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The ticking of the wall clock mingled with the relaxing pattering of rain on the roof and windows set an inviting mood for his late night reading. Eiji stretched his legs outward from the couch and turned a page in his book. Sing had been kind enough to wash the dishes after Eiji had cooked their dinner of pasta and vegetables. He was asleep now, exhausted from his daily workload. He knew the younger man took on far too much, but he appreciated the slight break from the mundane chore.As Eiji let his mind wander, he lowered the book and glanced around his living room. The light of the lone lamp he was using didn't reach far and the corners were painted in shadow but he could tell Buddy had wandered elsewhere. The dog had left his lap a while ago; surely tired of his half-hearted petting. It felt a bit chilly now.Eiji was used to being alone with his thoughts, but he always felt a pang of dread when they drifted to past memories as they tended to overwhelm him if he dwelled on them too long. Books proved to be a good source of distraction, but the weather seemed to be getting worse now and it kept him from focusing. He squirmed uncomfortably in the cushions.Eiji's eyes wandered around the room, landing on dimly lit trinkets and picture frames. The line of neatly organized hardcover books to the far left made him remember the condo they'd lived in for quite a while years ago. He and Ash. He pressed the book to his chest and huffed, closing his eyes. For a moment he felt truly empty, but a hint of coziness accompanied it. He opened his eyes while slowly sliding his glasses off his face, gliding fingers along the ear pieces for longer than he should have. Putting them down on the side table, he let the book drop to rest on the side of his leg.Intimacy was a rarity for Eiji. His feelings of loneliness held him captive throughout the years and he had come to terms with that. He hadn't really experienced any intimacy outside of Ash and he felt he was content with what little he’d given him. The winter of 1987 was one of those times he'd always recall with perfect clarity.Eiji tousled his hair by casually running thin fingers through it. He kept it tied up most of the time as it was a constant annoyance but hadn't bothered that day. He let his fingers move down his face and slide down his front, feeling a nipple pushing through his snug shirt and pausing to scrape it gently with a nail. Was just the memory of that morning really all it took to make him start feeling this way, even years later? Of course. It was all he had.Eiji's eyes fell down to his waistline. He hesitated for a moment, blinking, then started to unbutton his pants. Can't I just escape with this for a little while? He knew it would make him feel good and remember what Ash had wanted to do for him. He let his hand brush lazily through black threads of coarse pubic hair. This was one of his gifts to me. Letting out a small groan of approval, Eiji brought his fingertips to his slackened lips, sliding them under his tongue, moistening them as much as he could. He positioned them back down and over top of himself, sloshing the warm saliva around the head of his dick.Eiji recalled that neither of them had left the condo in three days. For no particular reason he could deduce, Ash had seemed to be in a slightly better mood than usual. Eiji had been feeling rather restless back then, similar to how he had been feeling tonight. He decided it was all right to pretend he could relive that chilly winter morning. His hand shifted to encircle himself as his eyes fluttered closed.-------The spartan curtains had done a fine job of shielding their room from the morning sun, desperately trying to alert them it was time to wake up. Eiji had been laying in bed for at least a half an hour, tossing about with intermittent sighs. Ash was still asleep on his stomach on the adjacent bed, head turned toward the wall. Eiji kept the covers up, trying to ignore the uncomfortable wash of heat over him... he was extremely aroused. This didn’t happen to him very often. He sighed yet again and lifted the sheet to stare at himself through cotton pajama pants."Annoying, isn't it?" Ash had stirred from the other bed. Eiji quickly let go of the sheet and slammed his arms down on the mattress, startled, then he cautiously adjusted to his side to face him. The blond's eyes were still tired and he had propped himself up on an elbow, blanket and sheets still coiled around his frame.Half yawning Ash asked, "Don't tell me you don't know what to do about it." He was goading him with a grin and Eiji could hardly believe he was asking him this. He could tell he was fiercely blushing now and averted his eyes. "Of course I've touched myself before... who hasn't?" Eiji mumbled, almost as if talking to himself.Ash's face morphed from cocky smirk to serious and thoughtful in an instant. His eyes intently focused on Eiji for a moment. He'd never seen him this blatantly embarrassed before, his face crumpled with annoyance and need. A soft smile crept up on Ash's lips as he watched Eiji start to bring the sheet up over his head, trying to hide. Ash fell backwards onto the mattress, shutting his eyes and enjoying the feeling of the surrounding blankets again."Do you want me to leave for a while?" Ash asked. Eiji fidgeted; no response. Ash shifted, inching out of his cocoon of warmth, now feeling tense. A minute passed in silence before Ash slowly sat up and rubbed an eye with the back of his hand. Now Eiji was the one in the cocoon of sheets. Ash tilted his head and flitted his eyes toward the window and its offensive radiance for a moment. "...You can come over here, if you want." Ash’s voice was deep yet whispered as if being purposefully hesitant on Eiji's behalf.Eiji’s small reply escaped from under the sheets. "Ash... mmm I..." A pause. "Can I really? But you... and I've never..." Ash took an audible breath. "It’s okay, I'll help you out." He had turned his attention back to the lump beneath the covers.Eiji popped his face out from below his protective barrier and whined a bit at him, obviously less embarrassed by now. "We've been here so long and, you know... I’m sorry..." Eiji trailed off and forced himself to partially sit up on his forearms and look at him. "I don't want to do anything if you're not up for it, though.""Mmm, I wouldn't bring it up if I wasn’t... stop trying to be so considerate." Ash sat up, feet hitting the floor. He smoothed out the crinkled sheets beside him. "Come over here. I wanna look at you when you get up."Eiji swallowed and tried to give him a confident look. Still settled into his own bed, he sat up and stripped himself of the sheets, staying still for a moment while hugging his knees. Ash didn't move. Eiji slowly let his legs down over the edge of the mattress and he stood. With hooded eyes, he meekly slid his feet across the floor.Ash looked at the front of him. "This is quite a picture we should take." Not knowing what to say, Eiji shot him a tiny pout. Tugging on one of his sleeves, Ash let him sit down. Eiji brushed his clothed shoulder against Ash’s bare one and settled his hands over his lap."It really is a treat to see your face like this." Ash was still smiling somewhat. Eiji tried to ease his own nerves by slowly turning his head and lazily pressing his warmed lips to the side of Ash's jaw. "Eiji...""You feel a little cold." Eiji murmured, shoving his head into Ash’s pale neck."I'm fine. ...How do you want me to touch you?"Eiji felt the soothing vibrations from Ash's voice. "Just, I don't... Whatever you're comfortable with. I just want this to go away." His hands shifted a bit in his lap. "But... I also really like being this close to you."Ash huffed through his nose. "The feeling is mutual." He brushed his lips over Eiji’s hair and combed it slightly with a few fingertips. He patted his back gingerly, signaling to let him move.Ash swiveled toward Eiji so that his shin now comfortably pressed against the dark-haired man's hip. He picked up waiting hands and moved them slightly from Eiji’s groin to rest on his thighs. He decided to gently press the back of his hand into Eiji's hardness against taught fabric. "You really haven't ever been touched by another person like this?"Eiji sighed expressing a feeling of pleasantness tinged with frustration. "Just on my own..." He furrowed his brow. "Is it that hard to believe? The way I am?" Ash's expression changed, perplexed, as he started to carefully rub his knuckles into the stiffness. "We're so different..."Eiji squirmed a bit. "And there's nothing wrong with that." His eyes began to close of their own volition, focusing on the subtle pressure.Ash suddenly flipped his hand around and clasped his palm around Eiji's length through his clothing. This gave Eiji a noticeable start and the languid moan that followed from his mouth sounded lewd on his own ears. He was astounded at how responsive he was with just this, but not surprised. He needed to feel this; to feel physical pleasure given by another person."Lay back for a minute so I can get better access here." Ash nuzzled his neck proddingly while weaving his fingers inside the back of the elastic in Eiji’s pajamas. Obliging, Eiji helped him work the restricting garments down his hips a ways, the pant leg cuffs now pooling at his feet, housing them from the creeping winter air.Sitting with his back upright again, Eiji unbuttoned his long shirt to get it out of the way. He let his own hands sweep over the tufts of hair at the base of his erection, examining himself for a second, eyes heavy-lidded and entranced. Ash watched him focus on himself while he reached behind his back to pull a blanket up over his own shoulders, seeking more warmth. Eiji moved both hands behind himself to lean back steadily on his palms."I still can't believe we're doing this, and that you want to." Eiji said quietly, slightly shifting his gaze to the side. His cheeks felt hot."Feeling good like this with someone you care about is important." Ash told him as a look of surprise came over his face. "I do believe in that."Eiji tossed his head back, trying to loosen up. "Maybe someday we can do whatever we want and not have to be so paranoid. I still want you to visit my home." There was hope dappled in his voice."Japan..." Ash shot him a tight smile as he reached for Eiji’s penis. “...it feels like a faraway dream.” Eiji’s erection had waned a little by now, but neither of them cared; they wanted to experience this with one another.Ash carefully handled Eiji’s length and began to use the pads of his fingers to lightly trace the heated skin. He looked to Eiji's face for a reaction. He held a fascinated stare and was breathing calmly, seemingly anticipating what he'd do next. The small feathered touches continued for a few seconds, then Ash tried swirling the edge of a nail around the head. Eiji shivered. Ash reached up and ran a palm across Eiji’s partially bared chest, giving him a reassuring gesture. Ash then began to maneuver Eiji's underwear almost completely down Eiji’s thighs and plunged his hand underneath to cup the weighty sack resting between his legs. Eiji's immediate reaction was to lurch forward and let out a forcibly hushed, ragged groan as Ash’s slender hand massaged him with practiced skill.After a short while of quickening and slowing the rhythm of his kneading, Ash stopped his ministrations and bent forward to press a quick kiss to the tip of Eiji's penis, enticing a high-pitched "ah" that caused him to smirk again.Wide-eyed, Eiji shook his head, as if to say you don't have to do that, as he brought one arm up to tentatively rest a hand on Ash’s chest. Ash covered Eiji’s hand with his own and squeezed while moving to smoothly dig the curve of his foot under the side of Eiji’s leg in an attempt to calm straining muscles."Try not to tense up too much. All it does is make you tired after." His tone was knowing.Eiji situated his hand back behind him and Ash looked to the jutting flesh below. Precum had started to form at the slit. He used his middle finger to firmly rub the underside of the head and more flowed out. He looked to Eiji’s face again, seeing that his mouth had parted and his breathing had become progressively deeper. "Spread it for me?" Ash coyly murmured as his foot massaged the underside of Eiji’s leg in anticipation.Eiji sluggishly drew one hand forward again to use his thumb and forefinger to smooth the wetness down over his hardness. The familiarity of pleasing himself returned and he let a short, breathy sigh escape his throat."Mmm, there's a lot of it... poor thing.” Ash observed. “You should do this more often. We have a bathroom, you know." Ash let a small grunt escape his throat but Eiji said nothing. He just cocked his head and grasped Ash’s hand, guiding it back to hover over his abdomen. Ash took the hint and lowered it again, fully encircling slick skin. Holding his dick firmly, he began to stroke up and down, slowly, with almost graceful motion. He heard a gasp with Eiji’s first drawn out and honest moan following it. Ash glanced at him to see pleasure and a bit of worry plastered on his face. Eiji felt the instinct to thrust into the strong hand but forced himself to fight it. He wanted this to be gentle, to not be so exhausted afterward. He could feel his orgasm building hastily now.Ash's pumping became somewhat faster and more shallow with the faint sound of wetness accompanying his caresses. He shifted his free arm to attempt to encircle Eiji's lower back and waist only to have it halted by Eiji’s hand. He took hold and hurriedly laced their fingers together, Ash easily welcoming the idea. His line of vision caught Eiji's stomach muscles starting to bunch and twist. Ash knowingly released the engorged flesh and moved his palm up slightly to cover the head as a few healthy strands of fluid coated it. He could tell Eiji was trying to contain his voice as a few relieving moans hit his ears. Ash let a small appreciative sound leave his own mouth as he noted the small mess his efforts had made.Satisfied and letting the magic of endorphins envelop him, Eiji slumped back against the bed with a heavy sigh. Letting him bask, Ash mindfully slid from the warmth of his blanket and shuffled along to their bathroom. The noise of running water in the sink helped dampen the almost awkward quietness that lingered in the bedroom. He returned shortly and made himself comfortable next to Eiji again who was still flat on his back, eyes veiled with the back of a hand trying to conceal sudden shyness.Ash had brought a washcloth with him, moist and warm. He laid it over the exposed portion of Eiji's stomach where sticky drops of ejaculate clung and wiped thoroughly, giving close attention to the pool of his bellybutton. Folding it over and bringing it down to cleanse the cooling length of his penis caused the other man to try and sit up."All better?" Ash asked, pausing in his work."I can do it, too, thank you..." Eiji flushed and avoided his eyes. He awkwardly cleaned the rest of the mess, finishing by dabbing the sensitive tip and then folding the textured cloth over again, setting it aside."I didn't think it could feel that good or... different with someone else doing it." Eiji smoothed a hand over his hair, his eyes following a small pattern of daylight that peeked through the curtains, now beaming over part of the bed."Yeah, it can... especially if you trust them enough." Ash confirmed. Eiji leaned on him again, angling his face down. He immediately noticed the ample bulge stretching Ash's underwear."How long have you had this?" Eiji’s eyes were curious as he bravely ran a few fingers across the smooth curve. "Do you want me to try-" He stopped, holding his breath. Ash craned his neck down to force him to look into his eyes. “Maybe. But not right now. I actually have to leave today to meet Max." Ash’s features showed some concern but remained kind. "It's all right, it'll calm down soon enough.""But you can’t-" Eiji started. Ash quickly grabbed his chin and pulled up a bit. Eiji pushed up into the kiss even before his senses could fully register what was happening. It didn't last long but the meaning in it was apparent."Something to look forward to." Ash appeared triumphant as Eiji displayed a candid smile.The beating sun had settled in the sky. Eiji adjusted his pants then reluctantly left the bed, pausing to lean down and hug the younger man. Ash watched him head for the window to open the curtains as he routinely did every morning, grumbling a little at the onslaught of bright light.-------It was pouring outside now, but the room had remained dimly lit, saturated in stillness. Eiji had lodged himself further down into the softness of the couch to gather more warmth and comfort. His arousal ached as he drowned in his memories. He pressed his palm to the very tip of his dick, fingers fanned out and undulating peculiarly. Trying to mimic the feel of Ash's lips quickly grazing him with an affectionate peck, instead he groaned with frustration and dropped his hand. He loved the feeling of recalling this memory from so long ago, but at the same time, it always came with the stark reminder that he was gone. He had teased himself to an almost burning sensation while he tried his best to keep quiet; it was so easy after all this time to just get it over with, like a routine task. Remembering this time of intimacy with Ash didn't invite itself very often as he was so conflicted. Was it all right to do this? Was he pathetic for it?Eiji's fingers were hesitating, wanting to pleasure himself into oblivion and hurry to get it done at the same time. An exasperated sigh broke the atmosphere surrounding him and he thrashed his back against the pillows. He felt like crying, but he forced himself to withstand his emotions.
Forget it.
Shoving himself back inside his pants and fastening the buttons again, he listened to the rain momentarily. The clock was still pushing time forward and he knew he should get to sleep. He wanted something he couldn't ever have again and he felt guilty, not allowing himself to believe what he knew was true.Still in a bothered lull from over-stimulation, Eiji clung to the book previously resting at his side and pulled himself from the couch. He walked carefully through shadow to his tidy bookshelf and set it on top of all the others; he would return to it later. It had belonged to Ash, after all. He let his fingers drag longingly along the cover as he turned to head for the bedroom, leaving the lamp's faint glow to guide him.Buddy had been napping down the hallway and his ears perked as Eiji strolled toward his bedroom door. It creaked open and he slipped inside without acknowledging the pup coming to greet him. The dog sat, waiting for him to come back out, tail swaying with joy.A few minutes with no movement from the room caused Buddy to let out a low whimper as he settled down onto the floor. The sheeting rain outside continued to muffle another whine, as if attempting to cleanse the house and it's occupants with unrelenting force.