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/falling/: Seeing him for the first time, seeing the way he smiled kindly and warmly, making eye contact every time Jeongguk tried to stutter out a response, he let himself fall.
*
What time you coming out?
We started losing light
I’ll never make it right
~
Jeongguk was ten when he first met Kim Namjoon.It wasn’t cool. He was a bratty boy with a hell lot of an attitude for someone so young, but all that attitude vanished when he looked over at the house next door and saw a boy who mostly resembled noodles, chilling on the porch reading a big book.It wasn’t cool because when Jeongguk decided to welcome the boy to the neighbourhood with a good old prank- this included shooting the boy with his Nerf gun- the boy had simply looked at him and smiled.And then gone back to reading like he wasn’t partially wet with soapy water.It wasn’t cool because Jeongguk’s mother, ever the friendly neighbour, had decided to welcome the new family the proper way, which included going over to the house with a box of candles, Jeongguk tagging along. It became even worse because Mrs Kim was really nice and then she introduced Namjoon, who was thirteen years old and tall and just. Really nice too.Seeing him for the first time, seeing the way he smiled kindly and warmly despite the fact that Jeongguk had barely a few hours ago soaked him in water- it made something settle inside him that he couldn’t explain.A deep sense of admiration, he thinks. Most boys, older or younger, ran away from Jeon the Terror. But Namjoon didn’t and that’s perhaps why he made a home in Jeongguk’s mind.Jeongguk ruled this tiny neighbourhood in Busan but that day, things changed.Things began to fall in place.~
If you don’t wander off
I’m so excited for the night
All we need’s is my bike and your enormous house
~
“What do you think about sneaking out and going for a bike ride?” Jeongguk asks as he doodles on a random piece of paper. He’s resting against Namjoon’s legs on the floor; Namjoon’s humming as he reads some boring book about the journey of souls or whatever.It’s comfortable. It’s home. Namjoon’s room has become something of solace and at nineteen, Jeongguk likes it better than his own. He doesn’t feel as alone and anyway, anytime spent with Namjoon is time well spent.Namjoon is back for a short while from university and Jeongguk makes sure to make the most of it.“Right now?”“Yeah,” Jeongguk says, not looking away from his meaningless doodle. It’s been a while since he’s done stupid shit like sneaking out with Namjoon, who’s a big university boy now, all grown up and mature and-“At midnight? Sure, why the fuck not,” he says instead, putting his book away.-and maybe, still the same boy inside.Jeongguk giggles; he feels Namjoon shift behind him and then hold out a hand and help him up. Then he stops giggling, because-Well, because now he’s face to face with Namjoon and that’s where things, i.e. his heart, starts to go to shit. It begins beating rapidly and it’s not exactly uncomfortable, but it makes him feel hot all of a sudden and god damn it, he really needs to stop reacting like this to Namjoon. It’s just Namjoon.Exactly, his brain purrs, it’s just Namjoon.Sneaking out isn’t exactly a big problem. Namjoon’s parents are sleeping and Rapmon, his dog, stopped giving a fuck a long time ago. Plus, Namjoon, despite how much Jeongguk wants to deny it, is an adult and he’s allowed to go out of his own house. But once upon a time, sneaking out used to be their thing. When they were kids still informing their parents of every move, sneaking out definitely meant a big deal. And for them, it wasn’t doing stupid shit like most kids on the block.No, Namjoon and Jeongguk were the kids who were friends with the dark, who romanticised the night sky and drew their dreams in the stars they saw. They’d take their bikes if they felt a little reckless- Jeongguk had begun keeping his in Namjoon’s garage- and ride around the neighbourhood for what felt like hours.It was silly, honestly, how much Jeongguk loved it. Loved it when he was alone in his room and lonely and he’d hear the clink of pebbles on his window, Namjoon’s dimpled smile asking him to come down. Loved it when they’d go to the park and stay on the cold ground, looking up at the sky, talking- just talking. He loved that the most. Talking was the hardest thing for him and yet, around Namjoon, the words never stopped.Coming back to the bleak reality was also hard. Mostly, not having Namjoon with him at all times just made things really hard.He was glad that despite getting out of their small neighbourhood and going to Seoul, Namjoon hadn’t really changed. He’d definitely become taller and broader and stronger, but his heart was the same, and so were his smiles.Jeongguk remembers seeing him for the first time, seeing him for all the times after when he was ten and clueless but Namjoon making him feel needed and respected, and him stuttering out responses until talking around Namjoon was as easy as breathing.They leave the house and he’s excited. The air is cold but bearable; it’s been a long time. Namjoon isn’t home that often but they try to maintain this. Maintain their friendship.Even if sometimes, it feels like there is more at work here. Something that Jeongguk doesn’t want to look into or rather, doesn’t want to hope for, because he’s afraid that once he falls into that trap, he’ll- break.Here’s the thing about them: Jeongguk is nineteen now and he’s close to finishing hell-school and moving to Seoul himself. Namjoon is twenty-one and he’s definitely changed since his gangly and awkward high school self. They’re old and they know each other well, maybe too well, and sometimes, Jeongguk thinks they look at each other- too long. He shakes the thought as soon as it comes, however, because it’s Namjoon.Something like that happens now as well. They’re unlocking the chains on their bikes and forego the helmet this time, but as they do Jeongguk feels Namjoon staring. He looks up to find just that and Namjoon giving him a half-smile as if Jeongguk like this is amusing.“What?” Jeongguk asks, suddenly feeling shy, suddenly finding himself back to being an unbearable thirteen years old and being extremely awkward around Namjoon, then his best friend for three years.“Nothing. You just look cute when you focus like that,” Namjoon utters simply and this, this is why Jeongguk has issues. Because Namjoon is straightforward and one can never tell if he means anything or if he’s just being himself. Jeongguk has a terrible habit of reading into things and overthinking everything so he doesn’t trust himself.“Hyung,” he whines, looking down and hoping his face doesn’t betray his emotions. “You can’t just say things like that, you know? I’m a shy, fragile boy.”“Fragile boy, my ass,” Namjoon snickers, getting onto his bike. “Shy, I can agree with. I can’t wait for you to attend university, you know? I have a feeling you’ll open up- in all sorts of ways.” Namjoon smirks and chortles as Jeongguk attempts to kick him.It’s good it’s dark. Because otherwise, Namjoon would have seen the all too visible blush on Jeongguk’s face.They ride their bikes in silence, Jeongguk allowing himself to cool down and Namjoon humming. It’s peaceful, it’s them, except it’s not.Something is different, and Jeongguk can’t put a name to it.~
You said someday we might
When I’m closer to your height
Till then we’ll knock around and see
(If you’re all I need)
~
When he’s thirteen and Namjoon is sixteen, things become- weird.It shouldn’t be. They’re three years into an amazing friendship and it’s perfect. Really. Jeongguk admires Namjoon, looks up to him even, despite Namjoon’s dorky habits like falling over his own feet or getting excited about space documentaries or yelling at Jeongguk for ordering seafood yet again. You know how I feel about crabs. How could you do this to me, he claims dramatically, and Jeongguk laughs.It’s safe to say that Namjoon is his best friend, which is weird in itself. How are you close with someone who’s three years older and infinitely cooler despite the above said uncool behaviours? You shouldn’t be. But they are. Namjoon’s always warm towards Jeongguk, shares abstract facts with him which go over his head. At sixteen years old, Namjoon is really fucking smart.The gap isn’t weird. But it becomes weird- or rather, it becomes more noticeable- when Namjoon leaves for the States during the summer for some funky course on aerodynamics (maybe) and comes back a whole different person.Jeongguk thinks that’s where the issues started. Suddenly he’s daydreaming about Namjoon in ways that should be terrible and sinful but Namjoon looks so good, especially when he still asks Jeongguk out for bike rides and playing beach volleyball which is even more terrible because it exposes how good looking Namjoon is.That’s when he realises the gap. Namjoon is older and mature and Jeongguk is a scrawny thirteen-year-old with a possible acne problem coming up soon.But since Namjoon does not change his behaviour, Jeongguk is forced to be as they were. All buddies and stupid facts and ice-cream in the last days of the summer.Except-Except, it triggers a bug inside Jeongguk and he doesn’t act the same either. Despite wanting this friendship more than ever, he can’t stop daydreaming about liking Namjoon. It’s sickening but also blush-inducing, heat travelling all over.Jeongguk begins to focus on himself and his body for the first time. Begins to take on more sports, manages to conquer over them and it’s not enough but what can a budding teen like him do, right?He feels desperate but he begins enjoying himself and forgets the desperation. Namjoon dates around and he doesn’t let that bother him but it does. It’s then that he notices how possessive he is, and he fights with Namjoon sometimes.And so in the middle of one such fight, Namjoon snaps back hotly, uncharacteristic of him but even so, Jeongguk had pushed a limit.“What, do you like me or something?”And Jeongguk feels his words dry up, feels his face get hot, sees Namjoon’s eyes widen and then look away, flustered. Sees Namjoon run a hand through his hair and look back apologetic.“I’m sorry, Guk, that was crossing a line.”Jeongguk is on his way to feeling mortified. Was he that obvious? “No, it’s fine, hyung, I was probably crossing a line. It’s fine. You…you’ll hang out with whoever is, um, cooler. Ha-ha.” He cringes internally, maybe screws up his face externally. Namjoon blushes but gives him a sad smile.“You’re cool, Guk-ah, don’t think that. You’re right, I shouldn’t forget my best friend just because I get a girlfriend, right?” Then he affectionately gets Jeongguk into a headlock and rubs his knuckles on his hair.Jeongguk laughs back. But he sees the line Namjoon draws. Best friend, girlfriend.He wonders if it’s worth it, daydreaming about something so much.Then he thinks, I’m thirteen and he’s sixteen and who the fuck knows, right?He thinks about giving up. But he doesn’t. After all, it’s Namjoon.It’s probably just a silly crush, anyway.~
Don’t you see me?
I think I’m falling, I’m falling for you tonight.
~That was then and this is now. Jeongguk is older, for sure. Or so he tells himself. He probably won’t be as woke as Namjoon is but he can try.He doesn’t think he can call it ‘love’. That’s too much, right? It’s a sickeningly sweet boy crush that’s been running its course way too long and Jeongguk would like his receipt back, thank you very much.The thing is, who can not crush on Namjoon? He’s brilliant. Even if people don’t crush, they admire the elder and Jeongguk nods his head as well. Because that is how it should be. Namjoon, his hyung for almost nine years now, should be applauded and given the best of everything. He works harder than anyone he’s seen, worked hard to get out of Busan’s sleepy town and onwards to ruthless Seoul where he thrives.Namjoon will leave in another two days, so after their bike ride they go to the 24/7 ice-cream shop nearby and get themselves their favourites.Sometimes, like this, it doesn’t feel like they changed. Doesn’t feel like there’s too much of a gap or how Jeongguk isn’t that much of an intricate part of Namjoon’s life, not as he once was.They order two of the enormous strawberry and banana floats, the ones that make Jeongguk’s head spin because he eats them way too fast, and makes Namjoon hiccup because he can’t really gorge on sweet things despite claiming to love them with his soul.They eat it anyways and of course, the above fore mentioned things happen. So one hour later it’s the two of them sitting outside the shop, three in the morning, trying to recover.They sit on the sidewalk and it’s totally not a cool or even a clean place to sit, but as if in some dreamy Hollywood-esque scene, they’re there. It’s cold and hard under their butts but it helps bring some clarity.“Hyung?”“Hmm?”Namjoon looks ethereal. Maybe he’s always looked this good and the rest of the world is blind for not getting it, for not looking at it. It strikes him hard sometimes how many people bullied him. How many were cruel to him.“Why do people fall in love?”Namjoon looks at him quizzically. It’s not an original question; it’s one of those overthought and overwritten concepts with beautiful lyrical language. But he trusts him to get it.“Do you mean why people love? Or do you mean what’s the reason that the word ‘fall’ is used to describe it?”Of course, he got it. Only he could, no one else. People just went with the flow of things and no one ever questioned the ‘why’, no one was curious enough. Only Namjoon was.“Yeah. Why do we fall, like, why isn’t there something else?”It’s silent between them. He can feel the dizziness in his head decrease steadily as the sharp air of the city clashes with his senses, feels his blood return back to its home. Feels: good. Feels: calm.Feels: a certain type of way for the man next to him.But he doesn’t know what to call it.“I think it’s because. Love can’t be controlled, right? Like it just happens. And no matter how hard you try, it’s like gravity; it pulls you down and spins you in the process. Like when you trip and can’t stop the fall. Maybe that’s why.”Namjoon doesn’t sound satisfied with it. That’s another endearing quality; Namjoon always asks and tries to answer but he has this thing where if he doesn’t like it, he’ll relentlessly think about it until one day you get a text with a whole explanation and maybe a couple of extra exclamations, his own form of a Eureka! moment.He watches as Namjoon bites his lip, chin jutting out in concentration, eyebrows furrowed. He loves that Namjoon takes every question seriously, that he cares. He loves the way he ponders and those explanatory texts and those silly little exclamations and also the “oh, sorry, I got carried away, ha-ha” both in text and person that follow. He loves it all.He finds himself inching even closer to the simplicity that is Namjoon.Like gravity, like love, that pulls him down. That makes him fall.Oh.Oh no.The realisation hits him like cold water after waking up. It’s startling and terrifying and yet, makes everything ever so clear.It wasn’t just a boy crush. Who was he kidding?“Makes sense,” Jeongguk mutters, turning away, feeling everything come at him at once. It doesn’t make sense at all. It does, but it doesn’t. Because if he was sure of one thing, it was that he crushed on Namjoon in the way young boys crush on their role models and look up to them. But that isn’t it, is it? Because a running commentary has started in his head and he thinks about all those moments when he didn’t just look up to Namjoon; no, he definitely dreamt about him in a way that wasn’t normal of role model behaviour.He doesn’t know what’s going on until he feels Namjoon’s warm hand (tries not to flinch) on his neck and then sees his concerned face in front of him (oh no). “Guk? You okay?”“Huh?”“You haven’t, uh, said anything in the last five minutes and you’re looking all spaced out. Was the float too much? I told you to be slower while eating it,” Namjoon chastises, lips turned down and eyebrows furrowed in. God, he hates it so much when Namjoon does the hyung thing, takes care of him, even though in the past he’d convinced himself to be okay with it.God, he’s so fucked.“Nothing, it’s fine, it’s chill,” Jeongguk says, removing himself from Namjoon’s carefully without seeming too obvious about it. Because he can’t control his emotions and Namjoon’s a generally good mood reader. And especially gifted when it comes to Jeongguk. “Just thought about something. But it’s no matter.”“Ah,” Namjoon says, getting up and brushing off his pants, holding out a hand to Jeongguk, who feels suddenly scared of it. Which is ridiculous. He’s held and hugged Namjoon so many times to be scared, what the fuck, Jeon. “Everything okay at home?”Home? Home. Right, that’s a thing still, that’s an actual issue in his life that Jeongguk doesn’t care for (anymore), but Namjoon does. Always makes sure to ask him about it but doesn’t really push him on it. He’s grateful for it.“Yeah, it’s A-Okay. I don’t know,” he shrugs helplessly. He hates talking about it but right now, with how things are zooming around in his brain at light speed, he welcomes it as a distraction. “Dad came back today to clear out some stuff. The usual happened. I’m glad you called me over.”“Of course.” Namjoon buries his hands in his pockets and gives Jeongguk another one of those long looks. “It’s going to be okay, Guk. You’ll be coming to Seoul soon.”“Yeah, I know, thank fuck,” Jeongguk intones, then moves towards his bike. The float induced dizziness has long gone and it’s okay. That’s all he asks for.“How are the applications coming along? Need any help? I’m still here for two days,” Namjoon replies, and Jeongguk gives him a weak smile.“It’s going well; it’s actually easy. Just a few more months, right hyung?”Namjoon nods and pats him on the back. Every touch feels electric. “Just a few more months, Guk-ah. Then you’ll be free.”But not from you. I hope never from you, Jeongguk thinks, before he shies away and bites his lip.They walk back home in silence.~
On this night, and in this light
I think I’m falling (I think I’m falling), I think I’m falling for you
~That being said, just because you realise you maybe love someone doesn’t mean things get easier.Namjoon leaves as usual and Jeongguk waves him goodbye, and then it’s back to carrying on. He throws in all focus onto his work and applications and school, his sports to work out any- frustrations. He’s doing okay. He doesn’t miss Namjoon that much. Their contact drops eventually because that’s how it’s been since Namjoon left for Seoul.He stays out of his home for longer periods of time, hangs out with his friends or sometimes gives that excuse and hangs out in the park like a lonely fucker.Just a few more months, he thinks. Makes it a motto, figuratively tattoos it on his heart and mind and everything in between. Just a few more months and then he’ll be out of the house that’s no longer home and not really look behind.Although, would things really change once he goes to Seoul and has Namjoon with him? Would anything happen between them? He doesn’t think so. Doesn’t hope to think so. Namjoon’s always taken the hyung role seriously and is always there to help him when he stumbles. He’d probably be disgusted with Jeongguk and his feelings or whatever the fuck that mush in his head is.It’s all he’s been thinking about ever since that night. Now that he knows it’s not a stupid crush, not like he’s been lying to himself about, that’s all he thinks about. The dreaming has intensified; the other dreams that follow making him hate himself even more.The world hates him, he swears it. He wants to groan in pain.He feels an arm sling around his neck and the sweet scent of tangerines following soon after, and-“Gukkie! Which crush you daydreaming about now?”-and Park Jimin’s sweet, high tone in his ear and then Jeongguk groans.Scratch that, the universe hates him.“Hey, Jimin hyung,” he deadpans. He feels Jimin draping himself over and resigns himself to his fate. “What are you doing here?”“Had to check on my favourite dongsaeng and his latest existential crisis, what else?”“Kindly fuck off.”Jimin gasps dramatically. “Is that the way to talk to your hyung?”“Please, kindly fuck off, hyung,” he deadpans again, earning a swat on his ear. Not that Jimin’s cut little hands can have much impact.“Rude,” Jimin sniffs but it’s clear that he doesn’t mind it. Jimin’s very self-aware of his tendency to come off as a menace. “So. Who’s the latest crush on your mind?”“There’s no one.”“Oh, so, it’s Namjoon hyung then.”“What the fuck,” Jeongguk splutters out, almost choking on his banana milk. “How the fuck did you know?”“In all honesty, I didn’t,” Jimin replies back, reaching out to pat Jeongguk’s back. “Wow, didn’t really think my guesswork would actually, you know, work.”“My statement from earlier stands.” Jeongguk stretches his arms above him. “Seriously, what are you doing back?”“Jesus, get off my dick,” Jimin says lightly. Probably sees Jeongguk’s unamused face. “Fine. Mom wasn’t doing too well and Jihyun has school so I took some time off from uni. Don’t worry,” he says, seeing Jeongguk react to the news about his mom. “She’s fine. Just got weak. Dad’s working. And I’m getting all my notes and assignments from Taehyung.”Jeongguk nods and it's silent, the comfortable kind, between them. Next to Namjoon, Jeongguk would say Jimin’s his go-to man. Though he’s two years older, he’s always felt closer to Jeongguk than Namjoon in many ways. Definitely his go-to man when his Namjoon feels are all over the place and he needs an outlet.He met Jimin in Taekwondo first, and then dance class. They have something of a friendly competition going side by side. It’s not the most intense of friendships- and that’s okay. Just handling Namjoon is a pain in the ass sometimes.“So, what’s the latest with Namjoon hyung?”“Nothing. Just maybe realised I’m in love with him.”“Oh, nothing new then. I’m disappointed,” Jimin says, checking his nails like the fucking diva he is. Jeongguk wants to chuck a shoe at him.“What the fuck do you mean, nothing new,” Jeongguk utters hotly. His feelings are definitely worth some dramatic reaction. Right? “I’m in love with Namjoon hyung? How is that not a matter of grave concern?”“Because you’ve always been in love with him?”“No? What the fuck?”“For fuck’s sake, don’t tell me you didn’t notice just how fucking obvious you are.”Is he? Does that mean Namjoon noticed too?“I- what, no, it’s like a tiny crush, okay-”“Dude, you’ve been giving him moony eyes since like. Forever. And you’ve talked my ear off about how amazing he is. That’s love, bro.”“Because he is amazing!” Jeongguk insists.“I didn’t say he wasn’t. Just that. You talk about him a hell lot more for someone who claims it’s just a boy crush, you know? Wow, I can’t believe you didn’t realise this.”If it is that obvious- which Jeongguk will and is totally going to deny- then that means he hasn’t been falling. No, he’s probably fallen. Like an embarrassingly long time ago.Someone please kill him.“Please kill me,” he groans at Jimin. Jimin, that useless troll, cooes instead and pats his cheeks rather patronizingly.“Baby, don’t worry. I’m sure he’s going to notice how buff you’ve gotten and oof, once you get to Seoul? It’s game over.”Honestly, Jimin is to blame for the kick he receives after that.*
/for/: Feeling something like being crushed under a boulder full of all his feelings, all pushing him off the edge and into the fall, into the great expanse of nothing- Namjoon was simultaneously his rope and his reason to wanting to jump off blindly into the abyss.
~
I’m caught on your coat again
You said, “Oh no, it’s fine,”
I read between the lines and touched your leg again (again)
~Jeongguk is accepted at Seoul National University. That isn’t surprising, though.Okay, maybe it is a little. It’s not that Jeongguk’s a bad student, it’s just that he’s always been more focused on his extra-curricular activities more than academics. It’s a surprise that he managed to get the scholarship since he was determined not to rely on his mom or his brother for funding his education.Seoul was going to be a new start.It’s Namjoon who comes to pick him up from the station, all tall and smiley and warm. So fucking warm, so like home and maybe Jeongguk hides an escaping tear before he reaches Namjoon and hugs him like he can’t ever hug him again.“Welcome to Seoul, Jeongguk-ah,” Namjoon whispers in his ear, and Jeongguk pretends like he didn’t almost shiver in response to how low it sounded. Comforting and- and electrifying, to hear.Seoul is nothing like Busan. It’s thriving and noisy and a burst of colours and people. It’s amazing how so much is happening in the city and yet, some coherency remains.Jeongguk thinks if he were alone, he’d be utterly lost. Probably forgotten his determination and run right back to his house. So he’s glad that he has Namjoon to guide him through the chaos.It’s strange seeing Namjoon in a place other than their tiny neighbourhood. Namjoon is wholly different from who he is back home. It’s not to say that he’s fake or anything. It’s just- the elder is more focused. Jeongguk can tell the difference; he may be warm with Jeongguk right now but there’s something else in his steps.For the time being, before the orientation starts, Jeongguk is going to be rooming with Namjoon, which is- nerve-wracking, honestly. Again, stupid, because there have been times when he’s lived in the Kim household for days, to escape his family drama, to find his solace. Yet, with the revelation he’s had a few months ago, everything feels new.Namjoon shows him around a little as they walk back, talking casually as ever. Pointing out a certain food outlet with a nice ahjumma that Namjoon visited during his finals week, a noraebang near his apartment that he visited with his friend Hoseok even though he couldn’t sing for shit. Jeongguk enjoyed hearing about Namjoon’s other life, hanging out with people his age.He also notices how a certain silence falls in place between them and out of the corner of his eye he can see Namjoon looking at him- and while looking at people isn’t a federal offence, it’s weird. It’s weird because when Jeongguk turns to ask Namjoon a question, Namjoon hastily looks away.“Hyung? You okay?” Jeongguk finally asks, unable to hold it in any longer. Normally, it’s Namjoon who asks this question. It feels strange on his tongue to reverse the situation.“What? Yeah, I’m fine, why?”“I don’t know…you keep looking away when I ask something? Did I do something wrong? Oh lord, is there something on my face?” Jeongguk asks, frantically wiping at his face, stopped by Namjoon holding his wrist rather gently- and blushing a little.What?“No! No, nothing, just,” Namjoon scratches his head as they wait for the traffic lights to change, the two of them in their own world amongst the people waiting to cross the road. “You changed a little, Guk. In a good way, of course.”Jeongguk frowns. “What do you mean?”“Just…have you been gorging on protein shakes or something? I swear you were smaller the last time I came to visit.”“Oh.” Jeongguk feels the heat on his cheeks. Then he gives a cheeky grin. “I mean, we did meet like, five months ago. And you didn’t come back for the summer.” They cross the road. “What do you mean, I was smaller?”Namjoon looks like he wants to be anywhere else but there. “I mean…you’re…buffer? What’s with all these muscles?”“Oh…I, uh. I took up boxing over the summer? It’s pretty intense in terms of training.”“Boxing? Who do you want to punch?”“Uh, lots of people. Me, when I mess up and hate myself so the mirror is one option. Jimin hyung because he’s annoying, you because you go into your self-hate mode I guess,” Jeongguk shrugs, then cackles a little when he catches Namjoon’s unimpressed face. Then he remembers what Jimin once said about muscles and catching Namjoon unawares. Deletes that thought immediately. “Looking good, aren’t they?”Namjoon looks at his arms and then nods. “Yeah. Yeah, uh, they do indeed. Look good, I mean.”“Wow, hyung, it’s okay. You don’t have to thirst after them so obviously.”“I- what? No, no I’m not thirsting over them, what the fuck-”“You only wish you could relate.”“Can you stop being a fucking brat, for like, five seconds? Please, and thank you.”And it’s back to them. Except, there’s a sort of weirdness present now. They were bickering, and then they were silent, but Namjoon still steals glances in what he thinks is cool and not obvious but it totally is. And Jeongguk tries not to react to those glances.In short, it’s fucking weird. How eloquent.~Meeting Namjoon’s best friend in Seoul, Jung Hoseok, is even weirder for several reasons:
Hoseok is loud. Like, really loud.
He’s got twice the amount of energy that both Namjoon and Jeongguk have, combined.
The way he reacts to Jeongguk is just downright suspicious.
“Wait, you’re Jeongguk?” Hoseok practically screeches, and Jeongguk just about avoids covering his ears rather obviously. For the sake of social etiquette.“Uh, yes. Hi, nice to meet you. You must be Jung Hoseok-ssi,” Jeongguk says, a little wary of what Hoseok meant.“Oh god, please,” Hoseok says, looking and sounding pleased and simultaneously outraged, “call me Hoseok hyung. I’ve heard so much about you from Namjoon-ah, I already feel like you’re a younger brother.”“Hoseok, please,” Namjoon gives a resigned sigh. Hoseok only grins widely in response. Jeongguk wonders what inside joke he’s missing, exactly.They’re at a street cart near Namjoon’s apartment. It’s small but the food smells amazing and even better, alcohol is served- and the ahjumma in question doesn’t ask for Jeongguk’s age. Which is good, because maybe he’s a few weeks short of turning the legal drinking age but he’s in a mood to let loose tonight.It’s cheap food and even cheaper alcohol and Namjoon’s treating him, so Jeongguk’s chill. It’s a way to settle into Seoul and whatever it provides. Jeongguk’s never been far from home and he already anticipates certain issues, like satoori.It’s amazing how naturally Namjoon slips into the Seoul accent. Namjoon did come from Ilsan, which is closer to Seoul, but he also spent some seven years in Busan. He switches back and forth between the two accents effortlessly when ordering food versus when talking to Jeongguk. He makes a point in his head to adjust his accent as soon as possible before university starts.This is where Hoseok met them. He’s a close friend of Namjoon and currently, Jeongguk feels scrutinised with how much Hoseok is…grinning at him. Then winking at Namjoon. Then Namjoon glares but gives a gentle smile to Jeongguk whenever he checks.“What did you mean by, you’re Jeongguk? Has Namjoon hyung been bitching about me a lot?”Jeongguk is teasing. He tends to rely on his bratty attitude when caught in new social situations. Plus, he and Namjoon had already begun drinking while they waited for Hoseok to arrive, and maybe his tongue is just a little lose. In a good way, of course.“Oh, you have no idea, Jeonggukie,” Hoseok sings, and weird, that’s not what he was expecting.“Please shut up,” Namjoon groans.“What is it hyung? What are you telling other people about me?” Jeongguk prods. Namjoon hides his face behind his hand.“Hoseok is being a useless fool. Please ignore him.”“I don’t think I want to,” Jeongguk grins back at Hoseok. He thinks he might get along with him. “Spill the goss, Hoseok hyung. Namjoon hyung’s been weird today anyway.”“Weird how?”“He was looking at me weird? And get this, he was all about how I’ve ‘changed’ and that I was small? He’s usually eloquent with his words.”Jeongguk really is making an innocent comment. He means nothing by this, but it means a lot to Hoseok, whose eyes get brighter. “Changed? That is a strange thing to say, indeed.”“Yeah. I took up boxing this summer, I guess I put on more muscles. I promise, hyung,” Jeongguk intones, turning towards Namjoon. “I’m still the same soft boy inside. I need hyung to protect me still.” He pouts.And oh lord, how Namjoon blushes. What the fuck is up with that? Distantly, he hears Hoseok chuckle, but there’s nothing amusing about this, right? It’s how they’ve always been.“I’m sure that’s not what Joonie is worried about, Guk-ah. Don’t worry,” Hoseok smirks. Jeongguk feels like he’s outside some twisted loop like he’s missing something big.They drink some more and it’s a little late, but he’s safe. Hoseok is incredibly gifted at making a home in Jeongguk’s heart with his warm personality, warm in a way that’s different from Namjoon’s. Who’s actually, physically warm, right now. As in, pressed against Jeongguk and making him feel things he does not want to feel, nope.He tries to pay attention to what Hoseok is saying, how he’s talking about a common producing friend of theirs (Yoongi?); recalls him saying that he knows who Jimin is from the dance scene in Seoul. He really does try.The problem is, he’s always found himself orbiting around Namjoon, getting drawn to him immediately no matter the gap or the time or space. It’s like Namjoon has the singular ability to mess up his path and make himself the centre of attention in Jeongguk’s life.It should probably be pathetic. But alcohol is a funny drink, it excuses all his thoughts and it definitely excuses what he does next, which is:Which is slightly brushing Namjoon’s leg casually, allowing his soju addled mind to run a casual finger over that one vein on Namjoon’s exposed thigh. He’s always liked it, the anomaly in Namjoon’s otherwise perfect physique. It’s mere curiosity that guides this action.Okay, maybe there’s a little bit of his teenage mind being its teenage self. Damn the last dregs of public decency.He feels Namjoon stiffen and withdraws his hand. Looks up and sees wide eyes, even if it’s a little blurry. Gives a grin for good measure. Gives a reassurance, I was just being a best friend, hyung, ha-ha.Then he does it again a couple of minutes later and okay, he knows this will be taken in a very wrong manner and what the fuck is Jeongguk doing, this is Namjoon-Namjoon who gently takes his hand and takes it away, as if he can hear the rational part of Jeongguk’s brain struggle to come back to the ground.“I think Jeongguk wants to crash, Joon-ah,” he hears Hoseok say, in a voice unlike the loud, animated one he was using barely minutes ago.“Yeah, I think so too. He’s practically sleeping on my shoulder,” he hears a deep chuckle. It feels far away. It’s strange in the sense that, while Jeongguk is no stranger to being drunk, this feels far removed. Distant. “I’ll take him back home, text me when you reach your dorm, yeah?”He doesn’t hear after that. He does feel Namjoon’s hand guiding him outside the cart and out of nowhere, the sounds of Seoul cascade all around him. Fall like curtains after a show. It brings him back to reality faster than he can cope with.What the fuck happened?“Hyung,” Jeongguk gasps, clutching onto Namjoon’s shoulder as if it’s a lifeline. “Hyung, what happened- I, oh god, I’m so sorry, hyung, I didn’t mean to-”“Jeongguk-ah, relax,” Namjoon says easily. As if he didn’t mind that Jeongguk definitely crossed some boundary tonight. He knows he did. “You had a little space out moment. It’s okay. It’s a new city, it happens. I’m right here.”“I don’t know why- I’m fine, I just felt removed-”“I know, Guk. It’s okay. Let’s go back home and tuck you in, yeah?” He feels Namjoon hold his hand, and while otherwise Jeongguk would feel mortified, it feels like the only thing that centres him right now.They walk back in silence. He knows Namjoon doesn’t have the best tolerance for alcohol, but the elder manages to walk steadily enough. Perhaps, he didn’t drink enough. He thought he had to take care of Jeongguk and, Jeongguk proved him right, touching him like that-“Hyung, I didn’t- I didn’t mean to touch you like that. I’m sorry.”They’re at the apartment. Namjoon doesn’t say much as he unlocks the door, and Jeongguk feels his nerves rising. He’s mad, isn’t he? God, he’s so fucking stupid-“Guk, stop panicking. I’m not mad.”And there is Namjoon, as warm and present as ever, a small smile on his face. Jeongguk looks for- for disappointment. For anger. For something that echoes what he is feeling inside right now. He finds none.“You’re not?”“Of course not, you’re drunk. I know how clingy you get when you’re like that,” Namjoon winks. “Plus, you haven’t been able to resist my thighs, I know.”“Hyung,” Jeongguk whines as he blushes. To outsiders, it would seem like Namjoon has double meanings, but Jeongguk knows better. It’s an inside joke.He thinks they’re an inside joke maybe.He feels tired and stumbles to the makeshift bed Namjoon has made in the room itself, very close to passing out.His thoughts are a mess, but one promptly stands out before he closes his eyes.I wish we were more than an inside joke, hyung.~
I’ll take it one day at a time
Soon you will be mine, oh, but I want you now (I want you now)
When the smoke is in your eyes, you look so alive
~Namjoon doesn’t act like it’s an inside joke, however.One of the many talents that Jeongguk has is being highly instinctual when it comes to people’s moods or the general environment around. And while it’s generally a blessing, it also sucks, because it means he’s way too sensitive to everything sometimes. And he feels overwhelmed.So of course, he notices that Namjoon treats him…differently.It’s not bad (maybe?). It’s two months into university; he enjoys his film major a lot. He’s settled well into his student dorm and he really likes his roommate Yugyeom.Unlike what he feared, he actually does see Namjoon a lot more. They meet at university, they hang out at the cafes or the libraries. Hoseok truly had adopted him, so he sees both of them often. Namjoon soon introduces him to Yoongi and his roommate, Seokjin. From Yonsei University, he gets to hang out with Jimin more and his boyfriend and roommate, Taehyung.Amongst people who are all older than him, Jeongguk is bound to feel infinitely smaller. However, this is where he sees a change in Namjoon.It’s nothing obvious- to the naked eye. They bicker. They sit in comfortable silences. They talk about everything and nothing.But all of these habits are layered with something new.The glances increase. Sometimes when they hang out, Namjoon sits closer than normal. He sees Hoseok exchange knowing glances with the other hyungs.Jeongguk should be thrilled. And he is, don’t get him wrong.He’s also just really fucking confused.The layer becomes a little more obvious when one night, Hoseok gets Jimin along with him (they share a dance class) and maybe Jeongguk’s a little more enthusiastic in greeting Jimin.“Hyung!” He exclaims, getting up to hug Jimin really hard. It’s been a long time. Sure, his relation with Jimin seems surface level but it’s not. Jeongguk doesn’t like saying it, but he does miss Jimin terribly. Perhaps, it’s just that Jimin tended to come back home more frequently than Namjoon and so, it never felt like a big deal when he came back.“Hey, Guk-ah. Getting a little happy, huh?” Jimin gives him that crinkly smile that makes his eyes disappear. Then his eyes widen, as if looking at something behind Jeongguk’s back. Jeongguk turns around to find Namjoon’s face akin to stone.Right, Namjoon and Jimin, despite being good friends with Jeongguk, never really got down to actually hanging out. Namjoon had heard of Jimin in the sense of Jeongguk just complaining about how annoying Jimin and his brother could be, and Jimin had definitely heard all the gushing Jeongguk did- but they never really hung out.Still, it doesn’t really explain why Namjoon looks so displeased.“Ah, hyung, this is Jimin,” Jeongguk begins, ushering Namjoon inside and letting Jimin sit beside him. Jimin looks a little wary but gives his cheery smile.But Jeongguk feels it. Feels something is off.“I know who he is, Guk, we did come from Busan,” Namjoon says softly, smiling slightly. But that smile doesn’t reach his eyes. Yep, definitely wrong.It’s awkward for five minutes before Hoseok does his Hoseok thing, which is burst out into some animated retelling of a crazy thing that happened today, and they all relax. As much as they can. Jeongguk catches up to Jimin and Hoseok is funny, even if he’s really loud, and he almost misses how tense Namjoon is next to him.Almost, because there won’t possibly be a day when Jeongguk is not keyed into how Namjoon is feeling or behaving.He goes for a bathroom break with Jimin and that’s where the agenda for his life goes awry. Mainly because Jimin obviously wants to be the menace in his life, as usual.“Whatever you’re doing out there, it’s working,” Jimin says as Jeongguk washes his hands, and Jeongguk looks at him through the mirror’s reflection. Jimin is leaning against the wall, arms crossed. “Namjoon hyung looked ready to kill me, damn.”“What are you talking about?”“Uh. You’re trying to make him jealous right? Isn’t that why you’re being extra touchy with me today?”“No, what the fuck? I missed you hyung, I’m not trying anything. Also, no, Namjoon hyung is just in a bad mood. He’s not jealous.”Jimin gapes at him and that sensation of missing something begins gnawing at his head. “Guk, I love you, and yes, I missed you too, but why the fuck are you so dumb?”“Hyung-”“No, before you whine about how mean I am- seriously? How are you good with people and listening to them but you’re utterly oblivious to what Namjoon hyung is feeling?”“I told you-”“No, he’s not in a bad mood, oh lord, but he definitely is going to be in one if we stay here a moment longer. He’s fucking green, Guk. Trust me.” Jimin walks out, leaving Jeongguk even more messed up.That’s not possible, right? Namjoon has always seen him as his dongsaeng, and he’s never really cared about who Jeongguk hangs out with. Jeongguk was always the more painfully obvious possessive one in their friendship. Except, when he does make his way back to the table, there definitely is something off between Jimin and Namjoon. Namjoon does not have his familiar warmth around, and his chin is all the way out. Hoseok seems amused, Jimin looks like he wants to bail.“You okay, Guk? Took you a long time inside,” Hoseok snickers.“Yeah, just Jimin hyung and I wanted to talk and got a little carried away,” he says, which is kind of true, but not the right thing to say, in retrospect. Because Jimin sighs, Namjoon clears his throat and glares at the street outside, Hoseok sips his stupid herbal tea as if he is now aware of something and Jeongguk- Jeongguk wants to yell. Maybe something along the lines of, Can all of you fuckers stop with all this ambiguity and tell me what the fuck goes on?Instead, he pays his share of the bill and gets set to leave, before the atmosphere makes him combust with anxiety. It gives him painful memories and he’d rather not have this replace those memories.He’s to sleepover at Namjoon’s tonight; they had a whole ‘recreation of the old times’ theme going on. This included watching all the Marvel movies, maybe watching Studio Ghibli movies if they wanted to and then talking in the darkness. Except, as they walk towards Namjoon’s apartment, Jeongguk can almost taste the sourness in the air. Namjoon is upset. But Namjoon being Namjoon, he will never express it.They wait at the sidewalk for the lights to change, letting the hustle and bustle of Seoul fill in their silence, letting the smoke of the eateries around them fill their senses. Jeongguk is not going to be the one to fill the silence- not this time.It’s not surprising that when the light changes, neither of them move.“Jeongguk-ah?”“Hmm?”“Do…do you like Jimin?”And Jeongguk thinks, god damn, was Jimin hyung right?What comes out is, “What? No, what made you think that?”(For the record, it definitely does not come out as calm as it sounded in his head.)Namjoon looks ashamed. They stand a little on edge, not moving, letting people pass them by. It’s like one of those film techniques Jeongguk learned about in class: the one where the lone protagonist stands and everything moves around him/her, oblivious to their suffering.“I…I don’t know, honestly speaking. I just didn’t know you were that close. Thought I’d, you know. Missed something crucial in your life.”It’s nonchalant and casual, but because Jeongguk is Jeongguk and he’s quite possible on his way to a thesis degree in Kim Namjoon, despite being thrown off by it a couple of hundred times, he understands what Namjoon is really saying. Or he hopes he does.
I thought I messed up. I thought I didn’t ask you details about your life anymore, and you went and grew up and you’ve changed, and suddenly you’re not little Guk-ah anymore. And I’m scared of that. And I’m sorry about that.
What he hears is, for a moment I thought you’d moved on and gone ahead and I was all alone.And these things, they make sense, but they also don’t because no, Jimin can’t have been right. Namjoon doesn’t…like him. He’s never implied it.Actions speak louder than words, his brain whispers.Namjoon clears his throat, makes to move again. “And, you did take a long time inside the restroom…I just wanted to confirm. And if it’s true, to congratulate.”Jeongguk thinks, God, Kim Namjoon, do you really think I would like anyone else when you exist?He catches up and begs his brain to follow suit. “No, hyung. Jimin hyung and I are just really good friends. You know that.” He sees Namjoon purse his lips and he doesn’t want to hope, because jealousy isn’t good…right? “That’s a horrible thought, oh god. He’s going to have a field day with that.” He tries to humour the entire thing. Bring Namjoon back. His warmth and smile, the understanding in his eyes.Namjoon gives him a very small smile back, but Jeongguk will take it. He’ll take it because the thing about hope is- it’s a fickle thing. It’s fickle, but oh so persistent. And so, against perhaps all rationale, Jeongguk gives in to the hope. Dips a toe in it.They reach Namjoon’s apartment and it’s dark; there’s a sliver of moonlight slanting in through the windows. The obvious course of action would be to plod ahead, switch on the lights and get things ready for movie night.But the thing with Namjoon and Jeongguk is, they’ve always been friends with the dark.“Why do you really care, hyung?” Jeongguk asks softly. Against all odds, against all logic, borrowing the bravery he gets from that hope he plays with, Jeongguk asks first.Namjoon grows still. Jeongguk thinks Namjoon will avoid the situation and leave, but Namjoon turns around. And looks…looks like all he wants to do is answer Jeongguk and then freeze the moment.“I don’t know, Guk. But I do know that I’m…glad he’s just a friend.”Perhaps, it’s the closest to the answer Jeongguk really wants to hear. In any case, it makes the layer on their habits thicker, more electric to touch.Jeongguk’s thoughts touch that electricity. God, I’ve fallen for you, hyung, can’t you see?He looks at him with what he’s sure is hunger and the answer in his eyes even though he knows Namjoon won’t understand.Or he might. He might because Namjoon is smart. He might and he might ignore it, actually. Namjoon sees him as his little brother still (right?). They’ve hung out almost every day and it’s totally not like Namjoon, that fucking genius, didn’t notice how he’s been the cause of Jeongguk’s gay panic since he was thirteen.He couldn’t have been more obvious than when he saw Namjoon come back from his vacation to the USA, all golden skin and muscled frame where once he was a spindly noodle boy and had said “Wow. Hyung. Your thighs. Wow.”Namjoon had laughed then. It would have sounded cocky except he’d blushed a little and done that stupid crinkly smile of his to hide how embarrassed he really was.Goddamn it. Of course, Namjoon knew. He had to.But in that dim moonlight, it looks like Namjoon would leave the question unanswered, and pretend that he doesn’t. To maybe spare Jeongguk?Jeongguk sighs and switches on the lights and breaks the moment. He sets to getting the DVDs out and the ice-cream tubs, and he senses Namjoon fidgeting before joining to help him.He thinks about how long he’s waited and how he’d given up hope, and how the hope was back but it balances itself (barely) on the tightrope between them.~
Do you fancy sitting down with me maybe
‘Cause you’re all I need
~He pats down the mattress next to him and waits for Namjoon to join him, to forget the fidgeting and the painful waiting.Waits for Namjoon to understand what he says through his eyes.
I really am not going anywhere, hyung. Because I can’t.
Maybe Namjoon gets it because he nods his head and sits down.They are close but the air between them makes the distance palpable;The movie plays in front of them but neither pay attention to what’s happening on the screen, until-Until Namjoon reaches between them and takes hold of Jeongguk’s hand, and holds tight.All their habits are the same, but the layers over it are new.*
/you/: Who was he to deny that there hadn’t even been anything else but a silent plea for Namjoon to like him back, to understand that the stars he had in his eyes were for the elder alone, and all he wanted was to be his?
~
According to your heart
My place is not deliberate
The feeling of your arms
I don’t want to be your friend, I want to kiss your neck
~The knowledge that Namjoon may possibly like him back- the thought doesn’t leave his head, no matter how much he tries.It’s funny how he has known Namjoon for the better part of his life, admired him in more ways than one- and it’s now that everything seems to be changing. He doesn’t know if that is good or not.When he was ten, it was admiration. When he was thirteen, it was a crush. Somewhere between that and now, things changed. Or more accurately, things just became really obvious. It was confusing, then it became predictable- Jeongguk was to have a silent crush and nothing more. And he was okay with it.But he never accounted for Namjoon to feel something for him, and that is what threw him off again.The next morning after the sleepover was representative of the limbo they were stuck in- something neither had the courage to name. Namjoon had cared. He’d cared that Jeongguk was friendly with Jimin, had even asked him about it- why?I’m glad he’s just your friend.What did that even mean? If Jimin was right about the jealousy- something Jeongguk still doubted- then what did this imply? Where did they stand?These questions float around them as they bid each other goodbye.Jeongguk should be happy. Right? But right now, all he feels is scared. Because it was okay when he was harbouring something that was one-sided. Now, the ambiguity of the whole thing makes his head ache. Maybe his heart.He doesn’t think anything will happen. Namjoon had a painfully high moral meter and a major hyung complex when it came to him.Yeah, he should stop hoping. He should give up on this futile thing, and stop holding out or waiting.So that’s what he does. Tries to reign himself back in and move on.However-~However, the night both Namjoon and Jeongguk celebrate their birthdays together is the night he allows himself to breathe in the hope once again.They decide to hold a combined celebration and get it over with, neither of them being immense birthday people but with Jimin on his side and Hoseok on Namjoon’s, their requests to not do anything effectively fall on deaf ears.They hold it at Namjoon’s place since he lives alone and has bigger space. The gathering is small, consisting of their friends and a few of whoever they wish to call from their departments. Jeongguk’s only called Yugyeom apart from Jimin and Taehyung, and it’s chill. As chill as any social situation for Jeongguk can be.At least Hoseok and Jimin kept their preferences in mind and let it be a lazy party, one where they could kick back and relax, a wonderful playlist courtesy of Yoongi and food and drinks as selected by Seokjin. They play silly games as they sit in a circle, occasionally chatting amongst themselves.Jeongguk feels- syrupy. Slow but warm, content in the warmth of the people around him. He’s never been one to make a lot of friends- but he can deal with this. The hyungs are admirable, Jimin and Taehyung are already his close friends, Yugyeom gets along with everyone well and Namjoon.Namjoon, who’s been his anchor pretty much all his life, who’s looking at him right now with- not his usual fondness, but a mix of that and something else. Deeper, as if it has a double meaning. But Jeongguk’s a little drunk and maybe he’s seeing things. Trying to feel the hope that’s been clamouring for attention ever since that night.Namjoon never stops looking. In between, Jimin whispers in his ears about how it’s because of how hot Jeongguk looks; Jeongguk swats him away and then gives Namjoon a smile.It’s too confusing, if he were to describe all of this in one word. A few months ago, Namjoon was just- Namjoon. Then he came to Seoul and suddenly it’s like the Namjoon of Busan was a figment of Jeongguk’s imagination, that in Seoul is where the real Namjoon exists- and where he courts the idea of liking Jeongguk.They blow out the candles on the cake Seokjin made- together. It’s one of those moments again, the one where Namjoon gives him one of those too long looks and then gives him a smile. For the first time, Jeongguk hesitates in returning them.He drinks to keep calm, to stop the anxiety- but he thinks, maybe it’s too late. Because he’s crossed over into that land of thinking over and over again, and no matter how much he tries his brain won’t stop. No matter the liquor he has or the food he eats. And because of everything- all the people around him, the liquor, the food-, he can’t escape. Can’t run. Watches everyone talking and laughing but feels like he’s watching it from a distance, watching one of the silent movies in class. Finds himself unable to hear what everyone is saying or zoning out until he feels steady hands on his hind arm, senses walking somewhere- finds himself in a dark room.“Breathe, Jeongguk-ah,” Namjoon says, hands on Jeongguk’s shoulders. Holding him, stabilising him and bringing him back down to earth. As he’s always done.“Hyung?”“Yeah, I’m here.”“I don’t…I don’t understand what happened- why am I in here?”“You were going to have an attack,” Namjoon says, rubbing patterns in his skin. A tactic he often used whenever Jeongguk had these attacks since he was young. “It’s okay. You’re okay; just focus on breathing.”Jeongguk does that. It’s not as bad this time; he takes relatively less time to get back in touch with his surroundings. Relaxes and begins to breathe normally.“Better?” Namjoon asks, still continuing to hold on.“Yeah. I don’t know what happened, hyung…”“That’s okay. Want to go step by step?”Jeongguk nods. Tries to form coherency in his thoughts. You see, Namjoon is the only one who’s been able to help Jeongguk. Whenever he was young and he felt like this, Namjoon was somehow always- there. No amount of his confused feelings for the elder mattered when Namjoon was present in all the ways that did. Knew what to ask him, knew what to not. It felt- grounding, to know that that hadn’t changed.“I…”“Take your time, Guk.”“I don’t think there’s anything…” then he stops. He stops because that’s a lie. He does know why. The issue with his spacing out earlier was his house situation, but lately, they’re related to the apprehension he feels around Namjoon. And maybe the logical part of him wants to cower and hide, but he knows that this can’t continue.“No, actually, there is,” Jeongguk says, looking up to meet Namjoon’s gaze. “I think I had this because of …because of you, hyung.”Namjoon stops rubbing the patterns. “Sorry, what?”“I…hyung, everything has been so confusing lately. With us. I don’t know if I’m reading into this but you’ve been behaving so strangely with me and I don’t know what I did to make this wrong but I can’t stand it, knowing I made you mad or upset or-”“Jeongguk, stop. It’s not any of that.”“It feels like it is. You just- god, you don’t stop looking and Hoseok hyung kept saying something the first time we went out, and then that day with Jimin hyung- what’s going on? Why does everyone know but me? Scratch that, what do they know that I don’t? I can’t stand it, hyung, I can’t stand this anymore and tonight you’re being even weirder. I-”“I’m sorry, Guk. I didn’t mean to do all that-”“I don’t need your apologies, just please tell me what’s going on so I can fix it.”Namjoon purses his lip, looks at Jeongguk then looks away. He seems scared. Nervous. Like he’s in a spot but he also knows that remaining in that spot is hurtful.“You’ll hate me for it.”“I think we’ve established, hyung, that I can’t hate you. So spill.”And it’s one of those long moments again, that moment in a show or a movie where the two leads stare at each other and wait for an eternity, except this is real life and dramatic things like that don’t happen. Namjoon looks at him like he always does, steady but also, a little nervous. And Jeongguk waits with bated breath.“Okay, here goes,” Namjoon says finally, and Jeongguk swears he hears something like it’s okay Namjoon, you can do this, which is another cute habit of his- speaking to himself. Namjoon then meet his eyes and says,“Jeon Jeongguk, I like you.”What.“Um. What?”“I…I like you?”“You’re not sure?”“I- no, wait, yeah- yeah, I’m sure. I just- I’ve been struggling to put this in words for some time and honestly, I wasn’t really ready to do it this way-”“Some time?” Jeongguk echoes, voice sounding weak.“Yeah, I had a whole letter to write and I was going to mail it to you because a text is overrated and I remember you once told me you loved old style confessions, I think you were like sixteen? Anyway. Yeah.”It’s safe to say that despite having an idea and inkling, Jeongguk is- to put it simply, shook.“You’re being real right now?”“Oh my god, is that not how you wanted it to go? Oh god, I delayed it, didn’t I? I swear, writing it was my first priority but uni has been kicking my ass, I knew I had to tell you after that day out with Jimin and the movies because like, who was I kidding? But maybe I should have texted you. Great, now I’ve gone and caused a panic attack, Namjoon what did you think-”“Namjoon hyung?” Jeongguk says, stopping the rambling of the elder.“Yes?”“Just shut up and kiss me.”Namjoon blinks owlishly, not expecting this. Which is hilarious. It’s all Jeongguk has been waiting for. However, Namjoon doesn’t move and Jeongguk, sighing, pulls him forward.They kiss and it’s nothing like what Jeongguk imagined. It’s a peck at first, but then it deepens. It’s fast and slow, burns both as hot as fire and as cold as ice. It hurts and it soothes and it’s everything Jeongguk could have ever wanted.He feels strong hands wrap his waist and he almost sighs into Namjoon’s mouth, how he’s always felt small and protected in front of the giant boy. It’s a clash of teeth and tongue now, Namjoon holding him up and leaning him a little backwards. It’s everything and nothing.It’s Namjoon and Jeongguk.He pulls away and Jeongguk sees the searching eyes, the ones that are there when he’s looking for answers of the universe. Sees the nerves and the hope and then a determination set in before he finds himself being swallowed up by them.How long has he dreamt of this exact moment? Too long. Maybe since he was thirteen and he became aware that maybe he didn’t mind the male species or rather, he totally wasn’t that into girls. Or rather, more accurately, in fact, he wasn’t into anyone but someone with the initials KNJ that he’d obsessively drawn in his sketchbook once.Maybe twice.Ok, a couple of hundred times, sue him.He’s dreamt of Namjoon and his lips and smile and dimples since he was thirteen. Before that, he admired him a lot, wanted to be him. Then he was thirteen and Namjoon came back from the USA and Jeongguk wanted to be with him.Falling for Namjoon was the easiest thing that could have happened.It’s not to say that it wasn’t painful though. It’s like a math problem that you know but it’s blank in your head when you’re giving a stressful exam. Suddenly 2+2 isn’t 4 maybe, because what if?What if Namjoon didn’t like him as much as Jeongguk liked him back?He tries to push it away because it’s here in physical testimony that Namjoon likes him, definitely (maybe). So what if he’s all knowledgeable and cool (and hot) while Jeongguk struggles to adjust to college, plays videogames obsessively and maybe might die eventually from the preservatives in the instant ramen he inhales? Namjoon always makes him feel belonged. Needed.Loved.Loved? No.Just fucking kiss him, you overthinking dork, his brain whispers harshly and that’s what Jeongguk does, promptly shuts down and kisses back, tastes the strawberry and chocolate cake they ate from earlier. It’s unique. It’s weird. It’s enjoyable.After what seems like hours but it’s probably a pitiful few minutes, they break apart again, but this time, very much out of breath. But it’s good. It’s the best kind of breathlessness, Jeongguk thinks. It’s home.“Wow,” Namjoon says finally into the silence of the room. Jeongguk can only nod. Wow indeed. He’d once had a phase where all he’d drawn was Namjoon’s face and got down the details to the last point, then promptly stuffed them inside his closet so it would never see the light of the day. He’d wondered what kissing them would be like and his then sixteen-year-old self had blushed really fucking hard. Like, he had a minor fever hard.Now, at twenty, he’s not that quick to blush and he worked on his thighs, and he’s not bad to look at. He flirts back just a bit if someone flirts with him but he doesn’t lead people on. He flustered people now; he is a big boy. Except when Namjoon comes into his view and it’s back to square one. Back to stuttering a little and watching Namjoon like he’s the moon and thinking he’s being slick when he’s probably lovesick.Namjoon is gorgeous. He’s always been so and Jeongguk’s never understood why the elder apologised for the way he looked. Maybe there’s a specific Namjoon bias he’s developed along the way but it’s not like it’s a lie. He’s not conventionally beautiful and perhaps that’s why Jeongguk liked him. Separated him. Thought, he’d be nice to draw, thought, I could sing sonnets about him and his dimples. He’s twenty and he never forgets just how much more mature Namjoon is and how technically he shouldn’t have gone for Jeongguk.But he did. They’d hung out as usual but everything between them just wasn’t how it was, how it used to be. It was a lot of long gazes and near touches that drove Jeongguk mad, but now he thinks, maybe it drove Namjoon mad as well.“Is this real, hyung?” He asks, licking his lips, a nervous habit of his. It doesn’t feel real, it feels like if he blinks or he moves from where he stands, the whole scene will shatter and all he will have remaining are the fragments of a dream around him.“I should be the one asking that,” Namjoon responds, still looking dazed. “You actually like me back?”Jeongguk’s haze lifts and he frowns. “Hyung, what the fuck?”“What? I’m not asking anything wrong.”“Was I not obvious enough?”“I, uh, didn’t want to assume anything or cross any boundaries,” Namjoon admits, looking sheepish. Jeongguk can’t believe-“Hyung, I’ve been crushing on you since I was thirteen, what the heck.”“I’m sorry, what?”“Yeah, did you think me checking out your damn thighs was some artist thingy?”“Yeah…yeah, I actually did think that…” Namjoon says and Jeongguk wants to maybe put a fist in his mouth and scream.“You’ve been my gay awakening, how can you not see that-”“In my defence-”“Like, here I am thinking that you knew and you didn’t want to hurt me by rejecting me so you never talked about it- I can’t believe it hyung. You’re supposed to be the smart one,” Jeongguk huffs. It just feels ridiculous. “How long?”“How long have I liked you?” Jeongguk nods. “I can’t pinpoint when, not like you can…I just. I just had this moment one day and I remember thinking, fuck, I like him.”The silence comes once more- but it’s not oppressive, not like it had been for so long. Namjoon clears his throat once more. “Remember that day we went to the art fair? At the carnival?”Jeongguk nods again. He remembers it distinctly as one of the best days of his life, because when he came back from it- things had begun to fall apart. “Yeah. What about it?”“You were fourteen or fifteen then. You’d begged your parents to go but they weren’t agreeing so you’d come in the middle of the night to ask me, and I didn’t want to- but you and you doe eyes just got to me, I guess.” Namjoon chuckles, a fond smile on his face. “So we went and I don’t know- I guess it was just how happy you were to be there, and the way you laughed and got excited over the art supplies and stationary- I looked at you and I knew then I really liked you. Then I realised you were three years younger to me and looked even smaller, and I had to go to university soon. So I tried to stop myself.”“Dumbest thing you’ve done, honestly, barring this stupid thing right now,” Jeongguk grumbles.Namjoon laughs. “Maybe. I don’t know, I just felt like I would never have been comfortable even if it was mutual, you know? And everything was shitty at your home after that- so I knew adding all this would be only more stressful. I even learned to ignore it after a while, because just being your hyung was good enough for me.“But then you just- grew up. I know that sounds cliché and stupid but, you became better. I don’t mean that physically. And when you came to Seoul after the summer…all of those feelings just hit me with the full force of freight train and I nearly shut you out the first day. Still, I didn’t want to mess things up. But then the Jimin thing happened and I’ve never felt jealousy like that, you know? That’s when I knew, I had to get my shit together. Except you beat me to it.”“Wow,” Jeongguk breathes. Thinks back to all that overthinking and wondering and pining, feels a little stupid for it. “Okay, I feel a little…affronted?”“It’s understandable. My face isn’t the easiest to read.”“Yeah, it fucking isn’t. Please get help.”“Roger that.”And that’s how it is for a while. They sit in the dark, sharing little events where they misread and misjudged, laughing over some of them (this is mostly by Namjoon; the reveal of Namjoon’s emotions leaves Jeongguk angrily squawking at how painful all of this was).They talk in the dark until the wee hours, and it’s how they’ve always been. They fall asleep somewhere in the middle of it and when Jeongguk wakes up, he finds Namjoon’s arm loosely wrapped around his waist, close but not too much, and it’s- perfect.He looks at Namjoon’s sleeping face- mouth a little open and faint snoring sounds- and thinking back to what he thought during the kiss: falling for Namjoon was the easiest thing he’d ever done.It just happened. It was never in question, his feelings for him, and Jeongguk was glad the elder had finally responded to the gravity pulling Jeongguk towards him, in kind.~
I think I’m falling (I think I’m falling), I’m falling for you
And maybe you, change your mind.~
Dear Jeongguk,
I know we rehashed what we felt and it’s been going good (thank you), but I promised you a letter and here it is.
It’s a lie to say I don’t know where to begin because I do. The story begins when a ten-year-old boy decided to welcome me to a neighbourhood by drenching me and then waving at me cheekily. I think that was the moment. The moment I thought, hey, you know what? Maybe this move to a small town isn’t so bad.
Becoming your friend, your hyung- it was the best thing in my life. I know you look up to me- far too much, I might add, and it’s definitely made me panic a couple of times- but maybe, your faith in me is what made me want to be better, to be worthy of all that respect you bestowed me with.
Being a significant other in your life- I’m scared of that role, but also excited for it. I hope you know that because we both don’t say much. Hah.
I want to thank you for never giving up, I suppose. I know I’m not the easiest- I hide too much and I struggle to express, you know that better than anyone- but thank you for holding on. For not giving up. It’s perhaps a silly thing to thank for but I feel like it must be done.
I’ve seen you grow up to be who you are today- and nothing makes me prouder. You’ve grown so mature, you’ve attempted whatever you wish for without fear, and I wish I could do the same. I’m going to try to be a better hyung for you. I learn so much from you every single day- I have ever since I met you. And I’m proud that I get to grow with you as we go through this new phase in our lives.
I’m sorry that I can’t say more. Originally, I had been planning for a whole confession, the why and how of it all, but…yeah, that isn’t going to happen. That’s okay. It’s the thought that matters, right?
I’m going to give you a better letter soon.
Until then,
With love,
Namjoon.
*End.