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Matteo looked up from his phone just in time to spot David who leaned against the wall, listening to music and smoking a cigarette. Matteo hadn’t seen him since Monday which was why he was really happy right now to run into him. But he wasn’t sure if he should even say anything because their (much too short) conversation last Friday had abruptly ended thanks to Sara and Matteo had gotten weird vibes from David when they had said goodbye.
If he looks up now, I’ll say something, Matteo thought. His heart somersaulted in his chest. He was hoping and praying to a god only his mother believed in.
Three more steps and the moment would be over.
His heart stopped.
David lifted his head a little and his beautiful eyes widened when he realised that Matteo was there.
“Hi,” Matteo blurted out, similar to last Friday. His mouth always seemed to work faster than his head when it came to David. Usually, Matteo was always overthinking what he was going to say next. He was smiling a little; it was a nice feeling to not think as much for once.
David took a drag of his cigarette and blew the smoke out slowly, his eyes steadily on Matteo.
The way Matteo’s heart started racing, it almost made him dizzy.
“Hey you,” David finally replied. “Still here?”
Matteo laughed in surprise and shrugged his shoulders. “Just like you. The Detroit plans are postponed for now?”
The hint of a smile. Matteo wanted more, wanted to see those dimples again. “The music in Berlin isn’t bad either.” David offered him the half-smoked cigarette.
Matteo took it with an appreciative nod and leaned against the wall next to David. “So what are you listening to?” Matteo asked, “KIZ maybe?” They were pretty big in Berlin after all and also Matteo’s favourite band; he just hoped for some common interests with David.
David laughed loudly. “I’m more into Marvin Gaye.”
Matteo stayed silent. He tried to remember which genre Marvin Gaye was. He was pretty sure he had heard the name before but not a single song came to his mind right now.
“Motown,” David grinned broadly, “Detroit and all that. Here…” He took his headphones and scooted closer to Matteo, turning so they were looking at each other. Matteo’s heart was beating wildly while David put the headphones on him.
People say believe half of what you see, son and none of what you hear, but I can't help but be confused
The song started in the middle. Matteo thought he’d heard it before but he couldn’t place it. Mostly, he was surprised that David listened to that kind of music. When the chorus started it finally clicked; Matteo was glad he wasn’t absolutely clueless. “Yes, I know it!” He said with a smile.
“Oh yeah?” David’s eyebrows were raised, he obviously didn’t believe him.
“I do, I do,” Matteo assured him when he took the headphones off his ears, “Marvin Gaye. Love the dude!”
“Sure.” David stole the cigarette back from Matteo (Matteo had honestly already forgotten all about it) and took a drag.
Matteo stared at the motion mesmerised. “Uhm,” He cleared his throat, “Do you have plans? We could, uh, get high back at my shared flat and listen to Marvin Gaye or something.”
“I-“ David didn’t meet his gaze and Matteo expected him to say no. “That sounds like a great idea.”
“But?” Matteo asked, he just knew there had to be a but.
David looked back at him and smiled timidly. “Okay, yes. You don’t live at home anymore?”
They started walking, Matteo still with David’s headphones around his neck. “Nope. It was too much stress.”
David nodded. He seemed lost in thought when he said, “Yeah, I know the feeling.”
Matteo remembered their first conversation when David had joked about having killed his parents. The whole night after, Matteo had lain awake: when he had stopped thinking about David (every small detail of their conversation, every laugh, how much he had wanted to hold his hand), he had caught himself wondering if it were easier if his parents were just dead. It had frightened him.
They walked to the tram in silence. Matteo tried getting rid of his dark thoughts but without an idea what he could talk to David about, there wasn’t much of a distraction.
“What are your flatmates like?” David wanted to know, finally breaking the silence like that.
Matteo grimaced. “I’m hoping they’re not at home.” Because he knew exactly how they’d react; he was afraid that Hans could read it off the tip off his nose that he was- “Hans is quite something and Linn is mostly in her room. And then there’s Mia, who is the reason I’m in that flat now, which means she’s probably pretty okay.”
David smiled. “You like her, admit it.”
“Never.”
The rest of the way home they talked somewhat awkwardly about trivial things but despite the tension, Matteo felt as comfortable as possible. There was just something about David that made Matteo happy.
When they got to the shared flat, Matteo was nervous. He really didn’t want Hans to be there, it would just end in Matteo’s embarrassment. He wanted to get to know David better first before he introduced him to anyone.
“Hello?” He called out into the flat after unlocking the door. He waited a couple seconds but there came no reply. “Nice,” He murmured under his breath while taking off his shoes. David mirrored him and then Matteo led him to his room. “Make yourself at home.”
Matteo tried to stay calm when he suddenly realised that David was in his room and they were alone. Shit. Just don’t panic! He was just a bro, just like Jonas, with whom he hung out on a Friday afternoon. As he looked around his room, he was suddenly painfully aware how messy it was.
But David didn’t seem to care, he sat down on the bed and looked around the room. “It’s a bit bleak, huh?”
Matteo looked at his naked walls and the boxes that he still had to unpack. It embarrassed him a little. “I just moved in… I don’t know.” He shrugged his shoulders, wanted to talk about something else. David didn’t have to know that Matteo just hadn’t had the energy yet to try and feel like this was actually his home. “Uhm, do you maybe wanna drink something? Beer?”
“Yeah, cool. Thanks.”
Matteo quickly disappeared to the kitchen and took two bottles of beer from Linn’s shelf in the fridge. For a couple minutes he just leaned against the counter and hoped his rapidly beating heart would finally calm down. Just a bro, he reminded himself.
David was looking at his phone when Matteo returned to his room. “You can plug it into the sound system if you want,” Matteo suggested and pointed to the corner of the room.
“Okay. Hey, I could help you with unpacking?” David turned on the music and then took the beer from Matteo.
Matteo took a sip and nodded. “Sure, if you want to.” The task of unpacking suddenly didn’t seem as dreadful anymore. “But first…” He looked around until he found what he was looking for: a jeans lying on the floor, taking a small bag of weed and long papers from its pocket. “You wanna?” David nodded and Matteo sat down next to him and started rolling a joint. When he held up the finished joint with a triumphant “tada!” he noticed that David’s eyes on him seemed a little glassy. “What is it?”
David blinked and cleared his throat. “Nothing.”
It didn’t escape Matteo’s attention that David blushed slightly and he wondered if he was just as nervous as Matteo himself was. He leaned over the edge of the bed to find his lighter somewhere on the ground and he couldn’t help grinning. If he had to put a name to it, there was hope blooming in his chest.
They were silent when they started smoking. Matteo listened eagerly to the music and realised that Marvin Gaye definitely had much more relaxing vibes than anything he usually listened to when he was smoking with the guys. It took less than five minutes for Matteo to feel comfortable enough to lean back and stretch out on the bed. He couldn’t take his eyes off of David’s face, the way he was towering above him and smoking languidly. Matteo wished he was allowed to touch him, maybe to even-
Matteo reached for his beer bottle and took a large sip. When he looked back at David, he returned his gaze.
Like the sweet morning dew, I took one look at you, And it was plain to see, you were my destiny.
Matteo raised his hand and put it on David’s knee. He heard David taking in a sharp breath. With his fingers, Matteo was drumming gently on David’s leg. “My turn,” He mumbled.
David blinked in confusion and took a slow drag from the joint. Matteo watched the smoke pouring from his lips.
Matteo licked his lips. He hadn’t felt this good in a long time and it had absolutely nothing to do with the weed. “The joint, David,” Matteo prompted. His hand was still on David’s knee and he didn’t plan to remove it.
David who now realised what Matteo wanted from him, handed over the join. A moment later, he lay down next to Matteo.
And Matteo, because he was the biggest moron ever and was so surprised by the movement, choked on the smoke and he had to cough violently from it.
“Shit, are you okay?” David asked, turning to his side to look at Matteo with worry in his eyes, his brow furrowed.
“Yeah, I think so,” Matteo croaked eventually and covered his heated cheeks with his hands.
David fell back on the mattress and started laughing.
Matteo turned his head to see David’s laugh and even though his throat was still burning, he had to smile.
When David had calmed down a little, he also turned his head to look at Matteo. His grin was big and Matteo wanted to press his finger into the dimple in his cheek. Instead, he took another drag of the joint despite the smoke still hurting his throat.
They finished the joint, silently and just staring at each other. No matter how sappy it sounded, Matteo could probably spend the rest of his life like this.
But David had different plans of course. Instead of feeling sluggish like Matteo, he seemed energised. “Come on, let’s unpack!” He sat upright and looked at Matteo expectantly. When he didn’t move, David jumped off the bed and wrapped his fingers around Matteo’s wrist, pulling on it.
Matteo groaned in annoyance but couldn’t say no. He didn’t have that many things to unpack anyway so they would probably not take that long. He took his beer and watched David examining the boxes. Finally, he seemed to have formed a plan because he headed for the first box.
Matteo simply drank his beer and waited for instructions.
Surprisingly, Matteo quickly realised that unpacking could actually be fun. The awkwardness between the two had vanished — maybe because of the weed or maybe because by now they had spent enough time together — and they actually talked to each other. Mostly random things but Matteo enjoyed every second.
And then David started singing along to the music and Matteo hadn’t been prepared for it. His voice! His heart wanted to jump out of his chest. Matteo finished his beer and he was surprised how calm his voice sounded when he said, “You’re a good singer.”
David looked over at him with big eyes. “Sorry. I didn’t even realise I started singing.”
Matteo gritted his teeth. He shouldn’t have said anything. Now David probably wouldn’t sing again. “No!” He exclaimed, maybe a little too forcefully, but he wanted to be sure that David knew it didn’t bother him, “I mean- uh- your voice is incredible.”
“Oh. Okay. Thanks,” David murmured and turned away.
They finished up Matteo’s room and when he looked around, he was actually grateful that David had helped him. If he hadn’t, he probably still would have lived out of packed boxes a year from now. “Are you hungry?”
When David nodded, they went to the kitchen. Matteo thought he’d seen some frozen pizza in the freezer. It was probably Mia’s but since she was staying with Alex more often than not nowadays, Matteo didn’t feel bad taking the pizza. “What do you think?” He asked, holding up the pizza.
David raised his eyebrows. “Aren’t you Italian? Won’t frozen pizza be a huge blow to your pride?” He teased.
Matteo thought back on all their conversations and tried to remember if he’d ever mentioned being Italian. But he couldn’t think of any moment — which could only mean that David had found out in a different way. Matteo grinned, “Oh yeah? And how do you know that?”
David scrunched up his nose and shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t you know that there’s rumours about you?”
Matteo raised his eyebrows. “Rumours? Which ones?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” David laughed.
Matteo rolled his eyes. “Okay, so don’t tell me. But anyway, pizza?”
“Definitely. I’m starving and I’m not Italian.”
Matteo put the pizza in the oven and sat down at the kitchen table. He took out his phone to set the timer when he saw that Sara had messaged him. Shit, he had totally forgotten about her.
Matteo sighed and turned his phone to silent before turning it off completely. “Hey, David? Can oyu set the timer on your phone? My phone just died.”
“Sure,” David replied and sat down next to him.
When the pizza was done, David picked the olives off and offered them to Matteo with raised eyebrows. Matteo pushed his plate over and started picking the mushrooms off of his. “Mushrooms?”
“Give them to me,” David grinned before they fell silent to devour their pizzas.
Afterwards, they went back to Matteo’s room, more beers in their hands and David rolled them another joint.
Then they lay next to each other on the bed again. “We should do something with your walls. Posters or paint or something,” David mused.
If Matteo was honest, he hadn’t really heard anything after the “we.” We. David and Matteo. Matteo and David. Us. Lost in thought, he nodded, “Okay.”
“Did you even hear what I said?” David asked laughing. He blew smoke in Matteo’s face.
Matteo wondered how David would react if he suggested shotgunning right now. “Yeah, sure,” He assured him.
David shook his head disbelievingly but he was grinning. “I said that I think we should make your walls more colourful,” He repeated.
Matteo nodded. “Oh! Yes, okay. You can draw, right?” Too late, he realised that he could only know this if he had stalked David’s Instagram. They were probably even now.
“Also heard some rumours, huh?”
Matteo shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe,” He said conspiratorially.
He’d never wanted to kiss anyone as much as he wanted to kiss David right now.
His heart stopped.
There it was. The big revelation. The thoughts that had been in the darkest corners of his mind for so long. Finally free.
Matteo was scared but there was also euphoria. Suddenly he could accept the certainty why he hadn’t been able to feel for Sara what she was feeling for him. Shit- he had to break up with her.
Because David was the only person he wanted to kiss. Ever.
“Fuck,” He murmured. Overwhelmed by his feelings.
“Everything okay?” David looked at him worriedly.
Matteo hesitated. “What’s your secret?” He wanted to know.
David’s eyes widened and he turned his head to look at the ceiling. “What do you mean?” His voice sounded monotonous but Matteo was too preoccupied with his own thoughts to notice.
“Well, because everyone has a secret. This one big thing that they don’t tell anyone.” Was he making any sense? Maybe Matteo was just too high.
David released a deep breath. The bedsheets rustled when he turned to his side. “If you don’t tell anyone about it, why do you think I’d tell you of all people?” He whispered.
Matteo put the half-smoked joint away in the ashtray on the bedside table. He turned to his side as well. They were so close. “I have a secret. And I’d trust you with it.” His voice broke on the last word.
“Yeah?” David seemed surprised.
Their hands lay between them on the mattress. Matteo didn’t want anything more than to hold David’s hand. “Yeah,” He replied firmly. His heart was beating like crazy. “I am,” He closed his eyes, “gay.”
It was silent in the room. Only Marvin Gaye was crooning, “When I'm close to you dear, The stars fill the sky, So in love with you am I.” And Matteo would have laughed about the timing if he wasn’t so incredibly nervous. He kept his eyes closed so he didn’t have to see how David possible turned away from him or even left the room completely.
He jumped when he suddenly felt a touch to his hand. David hooked his pinky with Matteo’s and Matteo finally opened his eyes.
David smiled softly, his eyes were wide and Matteo didn’t see any judgment in them. “Okay,” He whispered, “Thank you for trusting me with this.” He fell silent for a moment before he added, “I trust you too.”
There were butterflies in Matteo’s stomach. Never before had he felt like this. He mirrored David’s smile.
“Come here,” David mumbled before stretching out his arms and wrapping them around Matteo.
Matteo’s emotions almost overwhelmed him. He wrapped his arms around David as well and hid his face against David’s neck.
David squeezed him tightly and didn’t seem to want to let go of him again. Matteo felt David’s heart thumping. “I wanna tell you my secret too,” David admitted quietly.
Matteo didn’t want David to feel forced to do so under any circumstances. He shook his head, “You don’t have to.”
“But I want to.” Matteo wasn’t sure if David pressed a kiss to his hair. Either way, his heart was going crazy.
“Okay.”
Surprisingly, David wiggled out of the embrace. He rolled back on his back and stared at the ceiling for a long time without saying anything. Matteo did the same.
“I-“ David cut himself off, took a couple deep breaths. He put his arm over his eyes.
Matteo wanted to hug him again, tell him that it was okay but he wanted to give David his space. He moved his hand closer to David until he felt David’s other hand close to his but still far away enough so they weren’t actually touching. It was all that Matteo could give him without being afraid to cross any unspoken boundaries.
David’s lips left a sudden laugh, it was humourless and sad. Quickly, he blurted, “I’m the T in LGBT.”
Matteo blinked. “Oh,” He mumbled before he even thought about it. Shit, if only he knew what that meant. He noticed that David was completely frozen next to him. Wow, he was the biggest idiot ever! “Cool.” David had reacted so well to his own coming out and now Matteo completely blew it. He knew that LGBT was an acronym. Lesbian, gay, bisexual and… fuck. A sign from above would be really nice right now. He sighed, “Sorry, but I have no idea what that means.”
“Oh fuck,” David finally seemed to be able to breathe again. “And I thought that was you reacting badly.”
Matteo shook his head. “No! No way! You’re you, some L, G, B or T doesn’t change that! Promise!”
“Are you sure?”
It broke Matteo’s heart that David still was this unsure. He nodded. “Absolutely. Can you tell me what it means so I don’t have to feel so stupid anymore? Or I can google it?”
That made David laugh. “Trans. The T is for transgender,” He explained.
“Oh! Okay. It means a lot to me that you told me. Thank you, David.” Matteo closed the distance between them and took David’s hand in his, squeezing it.
David whispered, “I like it when you say my name.”
“I like you,” Matteo blurted before realising what he was saying. It was worth it though because David looked at him with the broadest grin ever.
“I like you too.”