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He pulled a pillow over his head and willed the banging at the door to stop. Maybe if he ignored it long enough, it would stop.The last time he had heard banging at his door, it was officers notifying him of Rafael’s death. He had listed him as his next of kin. How sweet.
The sun was just beginning to rise. He had fallen asleep on the couch, waiting up for Rafael. He scrambled to the door, expecting him but was met with two officers dressed in blue. That only meant one thing. He didn’t even listen to the officer fumble over his words while trying to be compassionate.
He shut down completely. He didn’t know what to do. His mother was handling the funeral and he was rendered useless. He didn’t even cry until he had to tell Liv.
He asked for a few days off, without giving a specific reason. She was concerned, and with good reason. He sat at home the first day, waiting. For what, he did not know. Then it came. His phone rang, finally compelling to get of the couch. He trudged to his room and grabbed it off the charger.
“Hey, Carisi, just checking in. I get it if you don’t want to but I was just wondering if everything was okay, because taking a few days off out of the blue is a bit uncanny, especially for you.”
He had to tell her. She and Rafael had been good friends. The strangled sob that came out was unexpected. He let the wave of tears wash over him as he held the phone to his chest.
“Sonny? Are you still there? Is everything okay?”
It took him a moment to respond. “Yeah, yeah sorry.”
“Sonny, what’s wrong?” She was on edge now.
He shut his eyes, trying to keep the tears in. “Rafael’s dead.”
He was met with silence. It was his turn to ask if she was still there. She responded, “How did it happen?” Of course that was her first question.
“Uh, he got mugged. Shot and bled out.” He sounded cold and distant, even to himself.
Liv turned out to be his main support for the next few months. Even his family couldn’t hold a candle to her support. His parents had liked Rafael well enough, but his sisters had loved him. They took it pretty hard, especially for only knowing the guy for a few months. They tried to support him, but they just couldn’t grasp why it had hit him this hard. They had only been together not even a year. Liv knew, though. She had seen their relationship, even when it was purely platonic, thrive and bloom into something ethereal. She didn’t really believe in soulmates, but she made an exception for Sonny and Rafael.
She was the one who held his hand at the funeral. He left a mark, where he had gripped until his knuckles were white. Rafael’s mother had asked him to speak at the funeral, but he couldn’t. There was no way he could sum up how he felt. She understood. But Liv, sat with him in solidarity, comforting him without words. She stood and spoke, something how ironic it was that he died with no justice, but had fought for justice for so many.
When he was in the ground, she gave him a tight hug and promised him he would be okay. The squad later went out for drinks, at Forlini’s as a last homage to Rafael. Sonny didn’t drink, because he knew if he started, he would never be able to stop. No one had known about them. They had only started dating after Rafael left, after the trial. Amanda and Fin said nothing about it but it was clear they were unsurprised.
The next day he returned to work. Liv and Amanda imposed their maternal concern on him and only agreed to let him return after seeing the department’s psychologist. He lied his way through and was at his desk the same day. He was fine, he told everyone.
Until he wasn’t.
He went off on a perp. Liv sent him home, for the foreseeable future. He wasn’t one to argue with her, so he did as he was told. He lay in bed every day for a week, then returned to work. He was careful not to make another mistake like that again.
He fell into an easy routine. Get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep. Sometimes he would go to Amanda’s or out to drinks with the squad. He kept sober, because he knew he would spiral. Besides that, his activities consisted of laying in bed or on the couch.
The banging didn’t stop. When it did, the door swung open. Amanda. She had a key. She stomped into his room. “Up up up up. This is my day off, and we’re going out.”He had no choice. He got dressed and followed he down the stairs.“Sonny, c’mon say something. It’s creepy.” It was true. He hadn’t talked much since the funeral. No more imposing legal advice on his unassuming colleagues. No more long drawn out rants. Just what needed to be said. Nothing more.They stood in the coffee shop, waiting in line. He watched people go about their busy, disastrous lives. His used to be like that. Not a moment to even scratch his head. Funny how much free time one has after losing interest in everything.They got their drinks and finally, finally, Sonny spoke. “Let’s sit outside.” Amanda obliged happily and she held the door open as they made their way out. They settled down at an unoccupied table. Sonny let the spring breeze wash over him, even if it was mixed with the smell of trash and gasoline.“Sonny, you’re gonna have to talk about it eventually,” she prompted him. “I know you haven’t talked about it to anyone.”He drank his coffee. It was much too sweet and had a touch too much cream in it. That’s why you order it black, he imagined Rafael would say. He smiled at the thought.“We were gonna get married.” Amanda perked up. Her eyebrows shot up and she sat up.“You were only together, what a year?” She asked, incredulously.He smiled, “11 months. But I don’t know, we had already wasted so much time we could have been together and we just knew.”“So you were engaged.” She sounded a bit bitter, maybe because she hadn’t even know they were seeing each other.“Nah, nothing like that.” He shrugged and let his eyes wander. “We talked about it one night. He just said to me, ‘you know we’re gonna get married, right?’ and we talked about just going down to the courthouse one day and getting it done.”“Wow.” She didn’t say much, hoping it would make him try to fill up the silence.“I was gonna be happy for the rest of my life with him. He was really serious, he wanted the whole nine yards.” He looked down, laughing. “We even talked about kids, and somehow he wasn’t completely averted to the idea.”“Really? I thought he hated kids.” Amanda reached across the table and took his hand. “You really loved him, huh?” That was the kind of love she hoped to find. Unequivocal, passionate and perfect.He withdrew his hand and pressed it to his eyes. “I’m never going to be able to move on,” He croaked.“You don’t need to move on, you just need to get through this. You gotta remember to live. You can’t keep going like this, in bed every moment you get. It’s not healthy.”He smiled and wiped at his eyes. “I don’t know how.”“Well, for starters, you could go to therapy. Listen, hear me out, it could really help. This isn’t something you can go through alone. All of us have a breaking point.”He bit the inside of his cheek, to keep himself from crying. “I’ll see him sometimes, you know?” He laughed at Amanda’s expression, who thought he had really lost it for a second. “Not like that, I mean like I’ll see him in a crowd, but obviously he’s not there. And for a minute I think my life is back to normal. But then it’s like losing him all over again.” They were both silent. She didn’t know what to say. “I think I might try therapy.”She beamed and squeezed his hand. “Attaboy.”It’ll be nice. Going back to being human. Remembering to live, even if it is without him.