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Caleb sat up, staring at the floor. He was supposed to be sleeping but he just couldn't. The images of the day's events ran through his head. He had nearly killed them all. He had been tricked into almost killing the only friends he had had in many years.
“Hey, you alright there?”
He looked up. Beau had called out to him. She and Fjord had decided to take first watch. Caleb looked between the pair, scared out of his mind. He was so scared that they hated him, that they didn’t trust him anymore. The two people who, other than yasha, would have been really able to fuck him up the most in terms. If they had wanted, they could kill him.
“I'm sorry.” It was all he could say. He had nearly killed all of them and in fact had nearly died himself several times. The demon had tricked him into launching a fireball at his friends and that was something he was never going to be able to let go.
“Hey, Caleb. We know it wasn't you. You got… They messed with your head, just like Yasha. We don't hold either of you accountable,” Beau said moving closer within the little dome. Fjord shifted so he was on his other side.
“Yeah, we know you wouldn't hurt us like that on purpose,” the sailor said, resting a gentle hand on his shoulder.
Caleb glanced at Beau and they gave each other a look. They both knew what Beau had said earlier. Beau had been expecting this, expecting him to turn on them all in order to get what he wanted. Beauregard, in that moment, had made an unspoken vow that she would kill him if the time came. And Caleb didn't know whether to be afraid or comforted by that.
He looked away, towards his sleeping goblin friend who slept curled against his leg. He pet her head gently. He needed to keep an eye on her. She had killed Caduceus. It was on accident of course, but had Jester not pulled out that crystal, then for certain that would have been the end for the friendly firbolg.
“We got very lucky here, today. And I don’t know how much that longer that luck will last. Repeatedly we have been so very close to death’s door. Ever since Darktow. How long can we keep nearly escaping death before one of us goes down for the last time?” It was his darkest thoughts coming to fruition. Every day for the past five years he had been looking over his shoulder, trying to stay alive for long enough to complete his goals. But now with the Mighty Nein, he had nearly died several times, though each time he woke up he was looking up at one of the others, whether it be Jester or Caduceus healing him, or Nott or Fjord pouring a potion into his mouth. They had saved him over and over again. But in one night he had nearly died four separate times.
“I don’t know how much more luck we have. But we’re gonna stick together, and keep each other safe. And we’re gonna save Nott’s husband-”
“And then what, Fjord?” Caleb interrupted. “What happens when we saved Yeza? Nott is still a goblin. Who’s to say that Yeza won’t try to kill her when we save him? How will we be able to convince him that his wife is now a goblin?”
“I don’t know,” the half orc responded gently, “but we’re still going to do it. We’re a team. Hell, we’re more than that. Y’all are the closest thing to a family that I’ve ever had. No one has ever stuck their neck out for me as much as you guys have and I’ll forever be thankful for that.”
“I’m with Fjord. You all mean more to me than anyone in this fucking shit world. And I’ll be damned if I don’t try to help you all get you where you want to go, and that includes you, Caleb. I know you’ve got your demons. I know you’ve got shit you wanna do. And I wanna help you achieve a couple of those goals because those are the ones that line up with what
I
want to see in the world. So, yeah. We’ve had a couple close calls. But as long as we’ve got each other, we’ll be okay. And anything that tries to stand in our way will pay for it with their lives.”
Caleb didn’t speak for a few moments, just took in what they were saying, processing it slowly as he gently ran in his fingers through Nott’s hair. He never meant for any of them to get involved with his plans. But now they all sort of were. And that was dangerous for so many reasons. So, Caleb did something he hadn’t done in a very long time.
He began to cry.
First it was just a few tears trickling down his face. Then he gasped and it was like a waterfall rushing over him. He did his best to keep quiet, so as to not to disturb the others while they slept. He was shaking, his body racking with sobs and his lungs reaching for breath between the outcries. He felt Fjord wrap an arm around his shoulder, to which he just leaned fully into, needing the physical comfort, needing to use someone else’s spine.
“We’ve got you, Caleb,” Fjord said softly, rubbing his hand across Caleb’s shoulders and back.
Beau did the same on the other side. Quietly, they comforted him enough to a calmer state. He was still shaking, having not cried in many years, but he wasn’t crying anymore.
“You should get some rest. We’ll finish the watch and wake a couple of the others to take the other watches. We’ll wake you up in the morning, okay?” Fjord was the one speaking.
Caleb nodded, unable to respond vocally. Fjord let him go and he crawled back into his sleeping spot, pulling Nott up to hug close. It took a bit, but with some help holding Nott close, he eventually drifted off into sleep.