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Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
That’s what humans say, isn’t it? Before they confess their sins to their priests and padres? And I have sinned. I have sinned so many times and to such a degree that I don’t deserve forgiveness.
I betrayed Heaven and the Host. I have never felt that I betrayed you though, Father; how could it be a betrayal to you when it was for one of your true chosen? I know I never really got to know you in your human body but…from what I remember of you in my fledgling years and in those few brief meetings when I thought you were merely a prophet I can’t think you would ever begrudge my reasons. You would probably look at me with hurt, sorrowful eyes and tell me you understood. That it was meant to happen. That it was your plan.
Well, even if it was your plan for me to betray my people and to fall into sin; I’m not sure I can forgive your intention. It has hurt. The pain of my wings breaking, of my grace diminishing, or being lost and human. Aside from the pain that comes with the wounds from the war that I constantly fight – it is those emotional hurts and the breakages in my grace that hurt more than anything else. To think this horrible pain has been your plan for me is…it causes me to doubt and lose faith in you. Not your power, but your tactics.
It wouldn’t be so bad, perhaps, if Heaven would one day forgive me my sins and allow me to return. But instead I have forsaken them completely for a single human’s love – which I don’t even know I have. Dean is what makes my continued existence satisfying but I am too cowardly to ask him how he feels, or to make my adoration of him known.
There are no other humans on earth quite like him. Not even Sam. HE is cunning and sly, but doesn’t allow the darkness to consume him. HE is entirely selfless and even if he did care for me as I do him I doubt he would allow himself to be selfish enough to be happy with me.
So while he continues to live I serve him. I will heal his wounds, be his shoulder to cry on, watch over his sleep, and fight his battles. But one day I will hold him as he leaves this world and his soul enters Heaven. I will not be allowed back into heaven to see his soul or be with him. And if this has always been your plan for me…well it is cruel, inhumane, and I hate you for giving me such life and then taking it.
“Cas?” Cas smiled, breaking out of his prayer and turning to smile at the flannel clad man hugging himself as he walked though the snow to where Castiel stood staring up at the stars. He felt filled with love and happiness and let himself relax and soften as the man came closer.“Hello, Dean.”
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When he was finally able to open his eyes again it was to find himself on the ground, inch deep in mud and with his head and body throbbing as if he’d been repeatedly thrown into a prick wall by some kind of monster.Oh wait, he had.“…Cas?” His voice cracked and he barely got the angel’s name. He’d been hunting alone – STUPID – and had managed to love his shotgun AND his knife – SO STUPID – and then had his arse handed to him. It was a miracle the bastard had left him alive at all.It hurt too much to move and forming words wasn’t working. Plus the angel was a thousand miles away for all it mattered – hunting with Sammy in Wisconsin.“…Cas? Buddy?” the words got stuck and he started to cough. It felt wet. Broken ribs and a punctured lung? Probably. He tried moving his limbs but everything screamed.“Cas? Can you hear me man? I’m in a bad way…” Dean had never felt right about internal prayer, it seemed even less like talking to Castiel than audible prayers did, but it was his only choice. “Damn critter got me good. I don’t know how I’m still breathing right now but…but I Might not be for long. Hurts to move, and the breathe, and my head hurts.
But I need to get some stuff off my chest before I go. I love you Cas. Always have. And not as my brother or family or any of that shit I usually say. It’s more than that. I’d life to a ripe old age and be at your side for all of it, sitting on the porch with a white picket fence. Maybe adopt Jack officially or whatever. One big happy family. That’d be nice. But I don’t think I’m gonna make it for that. Let alone to tell you face to face what you mean to me. I’ve always been too much of a coward and too afraid of my feelings to let you close.
I’m sorry. I should’ve let you close. I love you. With all my soul.
Look after Sammy for me, yeah? He’s not as strong as he thinks and without me around he needs someone and…you’re the only one I trust to take care of him. I love you.
Dean let his eyes fall closed, trying to ignore the pain from another wet cough that filled his mouth with blood. HE could hear the thundering of feet in the undergrowth nearby and thought he heard Castiel’s voice calling to him. Even if it was his imagination, it was reassuring to hear the Angel calling his name before his eyes closed.
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The sulfuric darkness that flowed through Dean’s veins with the blood that was barely flowing thanks to his demonic heart made him feel powerful and immense. But he knew that the self-loathing and hatred for his inner self was only made worse because of it.So when the first blade clashed with the pure silver of Castiel’s angel blade he couldn’t help but let his eyes fall to black and scream in the angel’s face, “Dammit Cas just end it!”“You want me to kill you?” Castiel’s eyes flashed with grace and he pushed Dean away and into the wall with his power to give them both some breathing room. “IF you want to die you know how to do it. Your blade must pierce your flesh.”“I can’t do it myself, dammit” Dean pulled himself away from the bricks and dust and stepped towards his friend with purpose, “I tried and couldn’t bring myself to push the blade in.”Castiel shook his head and once Dean was close enough, backhanded him across the face, splitting his lip. “Don’t be a child Dean Winchester. I won’t end it for you. End it yourself or come back to me.”“Come back to you?” Dean licked the blood from his lip and smirked at the angel, his eyes still black, “In what capacity does that invitation extend?”“What?” Castiel’s confused expression was met with Dean dropping his weapon and stepping into the angel’s space, their faces mere inches apart.“Come back to you? As a human and your friend? Giving you orders in battle? Or how you really want me?”“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”“Of course you do.” Dean reached out to grab Castiel by the waist and pull him flush against him, their hips flush and separated by only denim and cotton. Cas could feel the demon’s eyes look down to his lips before returning to his eyes. And when he felt Dean grind his growing erection against his groin his Enochian blade fell to the ground with a heavenly ring.“So…? Dean leaned forward and licked up Castiel’s neck. The angel was surprised and moved to push Dean away but the demon only chuckled. “Now now, pretty thing; you know pushing me away isn’t what you want”“I don’t know if I want you like this.”“You want me however I’ll let you have me.” He bit Castiel’s collarbone through his white cotton shirt and ground their hips together again.“Let me taste you…”“Dean…”
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“Do you know the story of King Midas?”“The dude who turned everything to gold when he touched it?”“Correct.”“What about him?”“Well…what you’ve found is an object called Midas’ Gauntlet. It’s what allowed him to turn things to gold.”“Awesome!” -~-~-~-
One year later
Dean hasn’t hunted for a while and when Crowley turns up on his doorstep to make an offer for the gauntlet it surprises him – what could a demon that literally owns the moon possibly need with a glove that turns things to gold?Sure, Dean had used it to make himself a nice place in the world. Comfortable, not too elaborate; and the Hand of Midas was locked away securely in a curse box. The only reason Crowley would even had known he had it would be because someone told him.“Who sent you?”“No one. A ‘client’ of mine could really benefit from your little treasure and is willing to sell me several thousand souls in exchange.”“No one owns the souls of others.”“Tell that to the Catholic Church. And as they say, man’s will is god’s will. Those souls will be mine for the low, low price of a pretty glove.” Crowley smirked and held out a scroll. “Shall we deal?”“What will you pay me for it?”“I’ll give you a certain blue eyed angel with a certain…Winchester-centric worldview.”Dean felt his stomach fall and his face go pale.“What have you done with Cas?”“Oh Castiel has been in my…shall we say employ? For many months now. After you left hunting for the comfy gold gilded life he sort of just…lost his edge and was quite easy to put in a cage. He makes a beautiful little songbird for Hell’s entertainment.”“Give him to me and we’ll talk.”“Perfect!”-~-~-~- It took far too long for Crowley to show up on Dean’s doorstep again; and when he did he was pulling a worn, hollow-looking Castiel along behind him. The angel was held with custom cuffs to bind his wrists and around his ankles.Crowley was walking him on a golden leash tethered to a silver collar around his neck.“Here’s your new pet darling, where is my glove?”“What have you done to him?”“Trust me sweetheart, not even half of what you’ve been wanting to but…he’s becoming fairly well trained.” The demon king turned to Castiel with red eyes and nodded towards the rocky driveway, “Down boy.”Castiel immediately let himself fall onto his knees. He hadn’t let his gaze meet Dean’s and the former hunter couldn’t help but wonder if it was from shame or if Crowley had just ‘trained’ him that well.“He’s not an animal Crowley.”“You say that but…he quite likes it. Don’t you pet?” Crowley ran a hand through Castiel’s hair and the angel leaned up into the small touch of affection eagerly. Dean’s stomach turned and he nodded.“Take the damn glove… It’s in a curse box in the living room. Just.. give him here and I want the keys.”“Of course darling.” Crowley through Castiel’s keys to Dean and headed into the house.No amount of gold and riches was worth seeing his angel reduced to being anyone’s plaything.
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Dean sat in the library. It was 2am and as strange as it would seem to Sam if he woke up and started to wander the halls, it wasn’t actually that unusual for Dean to be there such an odd hour.He was deep in thought and rubbing his forearm in that strange spot where he had somehow managed to bring Benny back with him from purgatory. It had been so long ago but purgatory stayed with him every day. Sometimes his forearm would ache in phantom sympathy for Dean’s longing for his lost friend.HE and Benny had shared a lot in purgatory before finding Cas. It had been intense and adrenaline fueled. Monsters would be killed, they’d be injured, and then they’d have amazing and reliving rough sex in the undergrowth and against a tree or cave wall to let off steam.It wasn’t that they were in love, of course not; it wasn’t even that they particularly liked each other when it began. But there had been trust and a mutual need.But then they’d found Cas and well…Benny wouldn’t touch him again after that. Something about belonging to another creature. A creature that could smite him with a thought. Dean told him he was full of shit. After all, no matter how he felt about Cas, the angel didn’t feel the same about him. Probably couldn’t for all Dean knew.He was so deeply lost in his thoughts, still rubbing his arm, that he didn’t notice when his angel entered the room.“Are you injured?” Dean started and straightened in his chair as Castiel walked across the room to sit beside him.“Nah I was just…thinking.”“What about?” Castiel looked concerned, taking hold of Dean’s arm and pulling it closer to inspect for any minor injures the hunter may not have noticed.“…about Benny.” Castiel tensed at the sound of Benny’s name but tried not to let his discomfort show.“I see.” He let go of Dean’s arms, “You were rubbing with where you carried his soul.”“Yeah…” Dean looked to his own arm awkwardly before pulling down the sleeve of his flannel shirt.“Do you miss him?”“Well yeah,” Dean scoffed, “He was my friend.”“And your lover.”“What?”Castiel sighed and leaned back in his chair, clearly tired and the early hours had always made the chick flick moments seem less terrifying.“You used to have sex with him. I could hear you across the forests – I always assumed that continued when you got back here.”“Uh…nah. Nah it…it ddidn’t continue.” Dean looked away awkward, “after we found you he wouldn’t come near me.”“Why not? Did I do something? Was he worried about my opinion?”“N-no he…He said that when he saw us together it was clear that I already belonged to you and that he shouldn’t ‘play with toys of celestial beings’.”