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He never thought he’d willingly go back to Lawrence. Yet here he was, pulling into town. But then again, he never thought his old man was going to die, either. Stupid on both points.
He reached over in the seat and grabbed the bottle of jack. He held it between his knees to get the cap off and took a big swig, then put the cap back on and tossed it aside.
Nothing like a little liquid courage to get through this shit storm.
As he drove through town, everything looked pretty much the same. There were a few changes but not that many and he was not surprised at all.
He took the turn that led to his Dad’s house. Sammy would already be there. He felt it in the pit of his stomach. He hated to see that house again. But what’re you gonna do? Dad was dead and there were things to take care of.
When he saw the house, he felt for a minute like he was going to throw up, but he fought it back.
He pulled into the driveway and killed the engine. Running his hand over the dashboard, he muttered, “We got this baby.”
He got out and walked to the door. Hesitating, he didn’t know whether to just go in or knock. Luckily, the decision was made for him when the door opened and Sammy was standing there, grinning at him.
“Finally, jerk! I was about to think you weren’t going to show.”
Dean hugged him. “Yeah, like I would blow this occasion off, bitch.”
When Sam pulled away, he was frowning. “Are you drunk?”
“Not near enough.” He went inside.
Then he stood back and looked around. Everything looked smaller, somehow, and dingier even than he remembered. But then again, he had been gone for ten years.
He followed Sam to the kitchen and turned down a cup of coffee.
“So, what’s the plan?’
Sam sighed. “The funeral is tomorrow. That’s all taken care of. Dad actually had a funeral all arranged, bought and paid for.”
Dean laughed. “I guess he knew he was drinking himself to death. At least he planned ahead.”
He went out to the car to get his duffel, and took the last swallow of Jack. He walked back in, and asked Sam if his room was still available. When Sam nodded, he headed up the stairs to his old bedroom.
When he opened the door and walked in, it hit him like a freight train. Everything was exactly the same as when he left. It was clean but musty, and every last thing he’d left there was still there.
Sighing, he threw the duffel on the bed. He sat down next to it and put his face in his hands.
This was going to be a nightmare.
Sam yelled up that pizza had arrived. He took a deep breath and headed back down.
“There any beer?”
Sam frowned at him and nodded.
“Oh lighten up, mom. I’m a grown ass man. I drink. Get over it.”
They managed to chat amiably enough about what was going on in their lives during dinner. Then the conversation turned to the funeral tomorrow.
“Cas is gonna be there, you know.” Sam looked at his pizza.
Dean took a deep breath. He hadn’t thought about Cas.
“Yeah, well, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. He might not even talk to me.”
Sam looked skeptical, but nodded.
Damn, he hoped Cas didn’t try to talk to him.
Dean had a couple more beers and then headed to bed. He unpacked his only suit and hung it up so it wouldn’t be too damn wrinkled tomorrow. Then he laid down in the twin bed.
He’d forgotten how uncomfortable the damn bed was. He tossed and turned, trying to get in a position that didn’t hurt his back.
Then he started to cry. He hated crying, he never did it, but the tears just started and now they wouldn’t quit. He sobbed into the pillow so no one would hear him.
He cried for his dad, even though they’d never seen eye to eye on anything. He cried because he’d had to come back to a place he swore he’d never come back to. And he cried about Cas.
He never, ever wanted to see Cas again. He knew Cas hated him for leaving. He never understood why Dean had to go and even less, why he had to go alone. Dean knew Cas would have left with him. But he needed to be alone, to find his place in the world.
Even now, that made him scoff. Yeah, ‘his place in the world’ like he’d ever belonged anywhere.
He wiped his eyes on the pillow case and turned over.
He finally got to sleep around three, just from sheer exhaustion.
When Sam beat on his door, he practically had a heart attack.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m up.” He sat on the edge of the bed and wiped his eyes. At least he wasn’t hungover, that was a change.
He pissed and brushed his teeth, then wandered downstairs in his boxers. He grabbed a cup of coffee and went to the living room where Sam was.
“So, what time’s the funeral?’
“Eleven. You’ve got just enough time to shower and get ready.”
“Fuck, why didn’t you wake me up earlier?”
Sam said, “I tried. Several times.”
Cursing under his breath, he went and showered. He hated the suit, but put it on anyway. He didn’t need anyone’s disapproval today. He adjusted his tie and went downstairs.
Sam said he’d drive, but Dean nixed that idea. “I’ll take baby and meet you there.”
Sam sighed. “Just show up, please, and try to be on time.”
Dean fired up the car and drove straight to the liquor store. He bought a couple of airplane bottles of vodka and drank them in the car.
Then he drove to the funeral home. There weren’t many cars there, but that was no surprise. John Winchester was a disagreeable drunk with few, if any friends.
He parked and got out. Taking a deep breath, he walked inside.
And the first person he saw was Cas.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Cas was turned away but Dean could see part of his face. Fuck, he’d forgotten just how beautiful Cas was. He thought he had every inch of the man memorized, but ten years had dimmed his memory. Well, ten years and enough booze to fill a river.
Cas turned and saw him. He looked shocked for the briefest of seconds and then he smiled.
“Dean.” Hearing that deep voice sent shivers down Dean’s spine.
“Uh, hi ya, Cas.” Dean rubbed the back of his neck.
Cas walked up to him. “I wasn’t sure you’d come. It’s good to see you.”
Dean tried to sound nonchalant. “Well, yeah, wouldn’t be cool to miss the old man’s funeral. It’s… it’s good to see you too.”
Just then Sam told them it was time. Dean walked into the chapel and sat down next to Sam in the first pew.
He didn’t look to see where Cas sat.
The minister obviously never knew John Winchester. It was a pretty generic funeral, full of welcome to heaven and his family will miss him shit.
Dean turned his head and Cas was sitting in the pew behind him and just to his right. They made eye contact and Dean quickly turned his head back.
At last it was over. The old man was getting cremated, so there wouldn’t be any grave-side thing to endure. Everyone stood outside and then agreed to head to the house.
Apparently Ellen and Jo were getting food together.
Dean drove to the liquor store and bought a bottle of jack. He headed back to the house, resisting the urge to open it. He already had a warm feeling in his gut. Probably should have eaten something before he downed that vodka.
There were few cars in front of the house. Nothing surprising there, his dad had few friends. Dean was actually kind of surprised he had any.
“Good to see you, Dean.” Ellen said gathering Dean into a hug.
“Sorry about your Dad” Jo said. Dean smiled at both of them and went to find a glass and poured himself a shot of the jack.
Just then, Cas walked in. He was carrying a pie.
“Cas! You remembered…” Dean grinned.
Cas smiled. “Of course, I remember how much you like pie, Dean.’
Dean felt stupid. He quickly said, “Yeah.”
He went to the living room and found a place to sit. He sat, sipping his jack and wishing he could just down it and go for more. But Sammy was already glaring at him.
He listened to Jo and Garth tell stories of the good old days, how his Dad was such a fine mechanic and all. He wanted to hit something, but he just sat there.
Someone handed him a plate of food.
He picked at the ham, ate some potato salad and sat the plate aside.
He felt, more than saw, Cas pull up a chair next to him.
“So, Dean, how have you been?”
Dean turned and got lost in those blue eyes. They were still the bluest blue Dean had ever seen.
“Okay, I guess. Can’t complain. How are you doing, Cas?”
Cas smiled and Dean had to squeeze his leg with his hand, he wanted to grab Cas and kiss him so much…
He realized Cas was talking.
“... just working at the mill. You know, as an accountant.”
Dean nodded. “Good, that’s good, Cas.”
He let his eyes drift to Cas’ hand, just to see if he had a ring on. He didn’t.
Then Sam was talking about something that happened when they were young and grabbed Cas’ attention.
Everyone laughed.
Dean finished his drink and stood up to get another. Cas stood up too and followed him into the kitchen.
Dean poured himself another shot and leaned against the counter.
“So, Dean, married?”
Dean laughed at that. “Hardly. I’m not the marrying kind.”
He could have kicked himself for the look Cas got on his face. But it only lasted a second and Cas was back to smiling at him.
“Say, Cas, what would you say to getting out of here. Maybe go somewhere and talk?”
Cas tilted his head in that way that Dean didn’t even know he’d missed.
“Are you sure you want to talk, Dean?”
Dean tipped his glass up and drank it down. “Yeah, I am.”
Cas nodded. “Okay, but I’m driving. You’ve had too much to drink.”
Dean ginned and saluted. “Okay Cas, lead the way.”
They left out of the back door and Dean followed Cas to his abomination of a car.
“You still driving this fucking pimpmobile?”
Cas nodded and opened the passenger door for Dean.
When the were both in and Cas had the car started, he turned to Dean.
“Where do you want to go?”
Dean thought for a moment, then said, “How about the Roadhouse? If it’s still there.”
Cas nodded. “It’s still there.”
The drive was silent. Dean was wondering what he was going to say to Cas. He was beginning to be sorry he’d suggested this.
But it was too late now. Cas pulled into the lot and parked.
They got out and walked in. Cas led the way to a booth in the back. When the waitress showed up, they each ordered a beer.
Then Cas turned his gaze to Dean.
“So, Dean, what did you want to talk about?”
Dean sat and thought for a minute. What exactly
did
he want to talk about?
“Look. Cas, I need to tell you I’m sorry…”
Cas’ eyes flashed. “
Sorry
? What exactly are you sorry for, Dean? For leaving me in the first place? Or maybe you’re sorry for not sending for me like you promised you would? Oh wait, maybe you’re sorry for not sending me so much as a word for ten years? I waited, Dean. I waited for you for so fucking long. What part are you sorry for?”
Dean flinched. “I’m sorry for all of it. Fuck, I did you wrong. I wanted to send for you, but I was never in one place long enough. And then the years… the years got away from me. I’m sorry.”
Cas shook his head. “Too little, too late.’
Dean wanted to cry, he wanted to throw something, hit someone. But he sat there. He just sat there.
“I’ll find a way home if you want to leave, Cas.”
Cas looked up as the waitress brought their beers. When she left, he took a drink.
“If I wanted to leave, I would. I don’t. I missed you. I still can’t believe you’re here.”
Dean drank a huge swallow of his beer. He ran his finger around the rim when he put it down.
“I’m glad you don’t want to leave, Cas.”
“Well,don’t count your lucky stars yet. I might want to if you piss me off again.”
Dean grinned. “Then I’ll do my best to not piss you off.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
They sat in silence for a few minutes, just drinking their beer.
“So, Cas, did you get serious with anyone?”
Cas looked at him. “Not that it’s any of your business, but yeah, I did. I was with someone for four years.”
Dean sat for a minute, just taking that in. He hated that lurch in his gut.
“Uh, okay… what happened?”
Cas sighed. “Again, none of your business but… he wasn’t you.”
Dean visibly flinched. “Wow. I’m sorry.”
Cas looked angry. “Will you please stop saying that!”
Dean looked back at him with a sheepish look. “Yeah, okay Cas.”
Cas took a deep breath.
“So what about you? Anyone serious?”
Dean snorted. “Not even close. The longest I was with anyone is a weekend.”
Cas was shocked. “In ten years? Why?”
“None of them was you.”
They both sighed. Dean struggled to think of anything to say, but everything he came up with sounded lame.
Suddenly, Cas grabbed his wallet. “Time to go. I’ll drive you home.” He tossed a few bills on the table.
Dean nodded and followed Cas back to his car.
Again, no one spoke until Cas pulled up in front of Dean’s place. All the cars were gone except for baby.
Cas turned to Dean. “When are you leaving?”
“I’m not sure. Probably be here at least a week. Getting Dad’s house ready to sell, papers to sign, shit like that.”
Cas nodded, and Dean got out of the car. Dean leaned against the door.
“Can we go out again Cas? Just for old times sake?”
Cas held out his hand. “Give me your phone.”
When Dean did, Cas put his number in and then called his phone.
“Now we’ve got each other’s numbers. Text me when you want to get together.”
Dean smiled. “Thanks. Good night.”
Cas drove away and Dean stood watching until the car turned the corner and was out of sight. Then he went inside. Sam was sitting there at his laptop, and looked up when Dean came in.
“You and Cas talk?’
Dean headed for the kitchen to find his bottle of jack. “Yeah.”
When he came back with a glass, Sam sighed.
“You drink too much.”
“Dean chuckled. “Yeah. Yeah I do.”
“How did it go? With Cas, I mean.”
Dean took a drink, letting the warm liquid hit his stomach like an old friend.
“It went. I’m gonna hit the sack.”
He left Sam shaking his head.
Dean went to the kitchen and grabbed the bottle, and took it with him. When he got to the room, he stripped down to his boxers and sat on the edge of the bed, taking pulls from the bottle. When he finally thought he could sleep, he laid down and let the old, familiar drunken darkness take over.
He woke up with a headache, and his mouth tasting like shit, but it was better than most mornings. He groaned, got up and walked to the bathroom. He pissed, used some mouthwash and pulled his fingers through his hair.
He pulled on some jeans and went downstairs. Sam didn’t seem to be there, so he walked to the kitchen to find something to eat.
He was just finishing the bacon when Sam came in. He’s obviously been out for a run.
“Jesus, Sammy, are you still doing that?”
Sam frowned. “It’s good for you, Dean.”
“Yeah maybe, but at what price Sam?”
“I’m going for a shower.”
Dean wrinkled his nose. “Good idea. You reek.”
Sam yelled to save him some bacon over his shoulder.
Dean chuckled. “Yeah, like that’s gonna happen.”
When he was done, he tossed the plate in the sink and went to sit on the couch. He grabbed his phone and scrolled to find Cas’ number.
He grinned when he saw that Cas had listed himself as ‘the one you let get away.’
“Smart ass.”
He texted Cas, asking if he wanted to get some dinner when he got off work.
He waited for nearly an hour, trying to tell himself that Cas was probably just busy. When his phone finally chimed, he grabbed it.
Sure, Dean. I get off at five. I’ll swing by and pick you up.
Dean texted back a thumbs up emoji and sat back.
Sam had what seemed like an endless pile of papers they needed to go over and some to sign. Turned out, their dad had a life insurance policy from when he was in the army, and another from his job.
“Never thought I’d see a dime from him.” Dean shook his head in disbelief.
“Know what you mean. But between the insurance and whatever we get from the house, it will amount to quite a bit.”
Dean resisted the urge to drink. He wanted to be sober for Cas. It was the least he could do. At least, that’s how he felt.
When Cas’ car pulled in the driveway, Dean was showered, shaved and dressed as nicely as what he brought with him would allow. He walked out and got in the car.
“Hey, Cas.Thanks for going to dinner with me.”
Cas smiled. “I still don’t know why I said yes.”
Dean grinned brightly. “Because I’m adorable?”
Cas snorted. “Yeah, that’s why. Because you’re adorable.”
Dean pumped his fist. “I
knew
it!”
Cas snorted, and start the car.
“So, where to?”
Dean thought. “Are the burgers still as good as they used to be at the Roadhouse?”
Cas smiled. “Yeah, they are.”
“Then the Roadhouse it is!” Dean had some really fond memories of those burgers.
When they got there, they took the same booth they were in last night. They ordered, and Dean grabbed his beer when it arrived and look a long drink.
“You never used to drink as much.”
It was just a simple observation, but it kind of hurt to hear Cas say that.
“Yeah, well, I been through some shit in the last ten years.”
Cas took a sip of his beer. “I’m sorry, Dean.”
Dean suddenly felt like crying. He took a deep breath. “Yeah, thanks, Cas. But I put myself through most of it.”
It seemed like Cas was trying to lighten the mood. “So, where are you living now?”
“I’ve been in north east Texas for a couple of years. A little town named Bonham.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
He stopped by the side of the road and took a look at himself in the rearview mirror. He had a nasty cut over his black eye and his lip was split. He licked over his lip and hissed at the pain. Sighing, he took a long drink from his bottle and got back on the road.
‘The next town will be better’
It had become his mantra over the last few years. It was never true, deep inside he knew he just took his troubles with him. He wished he could talk to Cas.
But that wasn’t possible and he changed to thinking about the bar fight and how narrowly he’d escaped being arrested again. He cursed the guy who had made a move on him. Just another fucker who thought he was easy.
He drove all night, and ended up in some hick town in north east Texas. He found a motel he could afford for a night in and passed out.
“What do you do there?” Cas looked at him with curiosity.
“Mechanic. That’s what I always do.”
Cas nodded. The food came and Dean took a huge bite out of his burger.
“Goddamn, this is just as good as I remembered.”
Cas smiled, “Don’t talk with your mouth full.”
Dean opened his mouth and Cas shook his head.
“You’re still a jerk.”
Dean nodded, smiling. “Some things never change.”
They ate and when Dean was done, long before Cas as usual, Dean sat back with a satisfied sigh and drank the rest of his beer.
Then he reached over and put his hand on top of Cas’.
Cas looked at their hands, but didn’t take his away.
“I missed you so much Cas.”
Cas looked at him, anger flashing in his eyes.
“Then why didn’t you ever once call me? Or even write?”
Dean looked at the table. “I was ashamed, Cas. I thought I’d get successful and have a lot of money and we could make a life together. It never happened and the more I failed, the more ashamed I got.”
Cas squeezed his hand. “That’s stupid, Dean. I didn’t need you to be some big shot success. I just needed you.”
Dean looked at Cas sadly. “I know that now.”
Cas pulled his hand back. “Well, you should have talked to me. But then again, you never were much on talking about anything important.”
Dean looked away, signaling the waitress for more beer.
“Hey, remember when we were fucking in the park after it closed and almost got caught?”
Cas chuckled. “Yeah, I remember. Not one of your best ideas.”
Dean laughed. “Well, maybe not, but it sure was hot.”
They sat silent for a few minutes, lost in memories.
Then Cas sighed. “I need to go. I have to work in the morning.”
Dean nodded. “Yeah, okay. Thanks for coming out with me.”
Cas started to grab his wallet, but Dean stopped him. “I got this, Cas. I invited you, after all.”
Again it was a silent drive to Dean’s. When they got there, Dean turned in his seat.
“When can I see you again?”
Cas looked out the window. “I don’t know, Dean. I’m not sure this is a good idea. You’re going to be gone in a week.”
Dean felt his heart give a twitch. “Please? Come on. Cas. Just for old times sake?”
Cas sighed. “Okay, text me.”
Dean got out of the car smiling. He slapped his hand on the roof and then stood watching Cas drive away.
When he walked in, the living room was empty. He could hear Sam in the kitchen. He considered just going on up to his room, but he really wanted another beer, so he went in.
Sam was rooting around in the fridge. He looked up at Dean.
“We really need to go grocery shopping.”
Dean asked for a beer and Sam handed him one.
“Go out with Cas again?”
Dean drank a long pull of the beer. “Yeah, we had burgers at the Roadhouse.”
Sam looked at him in that way only his little brother could.
“What?’ Dean knew he wanted to say something.
“Nothing. I was just wondering…”
“Spit it out, Sam.”
“Okay.” Sam leaned against a counter. “I was wondering if you were going to try and get back with Cas.”
Dean snorted and took another drink. “I can’t. I don’t live here anymore, remember?”
Sam sighed. “It isn’t like you couldn’t move back. Live in this house. Get a job. You haven’t really been happy since you left here, Dean.”
Dean turned and walked away. He went to his room and sat on the bed. He drank the rest of the beer and cursed himself for not bringing another.
Cas looked completely devastated. ‘You’re leaving? Leaving me? How could you? Where are you going?’ Dean stood, trying to think of some way to put it that Cas would understand. His need to get away from this town, to make something of himself on his own. He just had to try. He needed to amount to more. Prove to his dad and to himself that he was worth something. Cas was crying so hard, his shirt was wet and his face was red. Dean drove away with the sight of what he’d done to Cas permanently etched in his mind.
He’d never forget the look on Cas’ face. He swore he’d send for Cas, just as soon as he found somewhere to be. He had to get out of this town, had to get free from his dad. He needed…
something
. He had really meant it when he said he’d send for Cas. But things just never worked out, never seemed right. And after a few years, he knew Cas hated him.
He threw the empty beer bottle against the wall. It didn’t break, just hit the wall with a smack and rolled back towards him.
“Fuck!”
He went to bed. Tried to sleep but it eluded him. Finally, when he heard Sam’s bedroom door close, he got up and went back downstairs to find something to drink. What he found was an old bottle of cheap whiskey his dad had stashed under the sink. He stood in the dark kitchen, drinking from it until he knew he could sleep.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The next day was just more paperwork and figuring out what to keep, what to sell and what to throw away. Most of John’s belongings ended up being trashed.
“Man, dad was a pig.” Dean shook his head at yet another drawer filled with useless shit and dirty clothes.
Sam nodded. “He was a drunk. Taking care of anything was not his priority.”
Dean thought a moment about his own room and made a promise to himself that he would clean when he got back.
When he figured out where he was, he went and got some breakfast. He smiled and flirted a little with the waitress, and then asked where she thought he could find work as a mechanic. She directed him to a salvage yard. When he got there, he walked up to the door of the house that sat in the middle of it and knocked. A gruff old man answered.
Before the day was out, he not only had a job, he had a room in the house. Bobby Singer was tough but kind, and Dean really felt like he could stay here awhile.
Dean texted Cas about dinner, but Cas said he was busy. So Dean went grocery shopping with Sam and they had a decent dinner and watched a movie.
“Sam, were you serious when you said there was gonna be a nice chunk of change from dad’s life insurance?”
Sam nodded. “About twenty thousand.”
Dean’s mouth fell open. “So, I get ten thousand dollars?”
Sam smiled. “Yeah. Any ideas about what you’re gonna do with it?”
Dean sat and thought for a moment. “Not a clue.”
Sam laughed, then yawned. “I’m beat. I’m gonna go to bed. See you in the morning.”
Dean said goodnight, got another beer and took it to his room. He sat on the bed, drinking and thinking, until he finally got sleepy.
When he woke up, over a cup of coffee, he texted Cas about getting together. He had to wait over an hour for an answer, but he figured Cas was busy with work stuff.
Finally, he got a text back.
Going to the bar tonight with some friends. Meet us there about ten?
Dean instinctively knew what bar Cas meant, and he texted back that he would be there.
He spent the day helping Sam go through their father’s stuff in the basement. It was beginning to feel like a never ending job.
“Man, I never realized Dad had so much shit!”
Sam nodded, wiping his brow and leaving a streak of dirt in its wake.
“Yeah, I know, but look. Here are some old photos you might like to keep.”
Dean grabbed them and sat down on a trunk to look. There were photos of his father and mother together, smiling like they they didn’t have a care in the world. There was one with his Mom holding him as a baby. One was him at about three with his Mom.
But what surprised Dean the most was the photo of him and Cas together. It was from high school and they both looked so damn happy. Anyone could see the love in their eyes.
Dean wiped his eyes quickly so Sam wouldn’t see. He stood up, shoving them into his jeans pocket,
“Yeah, thanks. Sammy. I think I’ll keep these.”
He’d long ago lost all the pictures of him and Cas on his phone when it got stolen.
He dressed as carefully as he could to go to the bar. He got in the Impala and drove to the only gay bar in Lawrence. He smiled when he caught sight of Cas’ car already parked there.
He strolled in, looking around for Cas. He spotted him, but Cas was leaned in close to some guy and speaking low. Dean felt a knot growing in his gut as he walked towards the table.
“Hey, Cas.”
Cas looked up and smiled. “Hi, Dean. Glad you made it. Uh, this is Kevin. Kevin Tran, this is Dean Winchester.”
Kevin’s eyes got big. “
The
Dean Winchester?”
Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah,
the
Dean Winchester in the flesh” He frowned at Kevin.
Cas elbowed Kevin in the ribs. “Yeah, it’s
the
Dean. Knock it off.”
Kevin looked very uncomfortable. He slid out of the booth. “Uh, I’m gonna go play some pool…”
Dean watched him go with a frown. He slid in the booth, a little closer to Cas than he needed to be.
“So, who was that?”
Cas frowned. “He works with me. And you were rude.”
Dean chuckled. “You two were a little close there, Cas. You going in for younger men now?”
Cas huffed. “He was telling me that he finally got up the courage to ask a girl out that he likes. And you’re not only rude, you’re awful. What possible difference would it make if Kevin and I
were
together?”
Dean leaned forward and kissed Cas. Cas was stiff for a moment then kissed back.
But then he pulled away. “What the fuck was that?”
Dean looked sheepish. “It was a kiss. I wanted to kiss you. And that’s what difference it makes.”
Cas looked incredibly angry. “You have
got
to be kidding me! You’re insufferable! You have no right to judge who I see, and you really have no right to kiss me.”
Dean looked sad. “But you kissed me back. I know you liked it, even if it was just for a second.”
Cas sighed. “Reflex. That’s all it was, a reflex. And I’m leaving.”
Dean put his hand on Cas’ shoulder. “Look, I’m sorry, okay. Please don’t leave. I’ll behave myself. I swear.”
Cas looked at him and then let out a breath. “Okay, but you better behave or I’m not only going to leave, I won’t see you again.”
Dean nodded. He signaled for a beer. When the waitress brought him he drank it straight down and asked for another.
Kevin came by the table and said goodbye to Cas. Dean nodded. “Hey man, nice to meet you.”
Kevin nodded back and left.
“So, tomorrow is Saturday. You off, Cas?”
Cas nodded. “I am.”
Dean took a pull from his second beer. “Wanna do something?”
Cas sighed. “Like what?”
Dean thought a moment. “I dunno, whatever you want. Movie, picnic, whatever.”
Cas appeared to be considering. “I guess a picnic would be nice.”
Dean grinned. “Great! I’ll pack us some food. Pick you up at, say, two?”
Cas nodded. “Okay, Dean.”
More of Cas’ co workers arrived and they played pool. Dean never got another chance to talk to Cas alone.
He was stoked about the picnic.
He got Sam to help him fix some sandwiches, added some fresh fruit and a few beers in a cooler. He drove to Cas’ and Cas was waiting for him at the curb.
“So, where do you want to do this thing?” Cas seemed cheerful
“I’ve got an idea. Just wait.”
Dean drove a little outside of town, turned down a dirt road and parked. He turned in his seat and smiled at Cas.
“Remember?”
Cas looked around. “Of course I do. We used to come here all the time.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
They got out and Dean grabbed the basket while Cas grabbed the blanket. They walked for a bit and then there was the meadow. Cas spread the blanket and they sat down.
“I love it here. It’s so peaceful. I haven’t been out here since…” Cas trailed off.
Dean knew what he was going to say. Cas hadn’t been back since he left.
“Well, here’s a beer. Drink up and grab a sandwich.”
They ate in silence, just taking in the peace. When Cas finished, he laid back on the blanket, looking at the leaves of the tree they were under, and the sunshine peeking through.
Dean scooted closer. Cas didn’t say anything, so he went a little closer still.
He bent over and kissed Cas. Cas kissed back for a few moments, then pushed Dean away.
“Stop! Just stop it. What did you think? You were going to bring me out here and I’d fuck you for old time’s sake? Take me home.”
Dean looked at Cas hard. “Every time I kiss you, you kiss back.”
Cas sighed. “I know and it pisses me off. I just wish I could quit you. Quit you for once and for all. Take me back, Dean, or I swear I’ll walk back.”
Cas turned and stormed back to the car.
“Fuck.” Dean grabbed the basket and the blanket and followed Cas.
There was nothing but stony silence all the way back to Cas’.
When Cas got out, he turned and looked at Dean.
“Don’t call me again, just go back to where ever you live now and leave me be.”
Dean stormed into the house. Sam was sitting on the couch and looked shocked.
“I’m leaving. Do what you want with the rest of dad’s shit. I gotta get out of here.”
Sam stood up and put a hand on Dean’s shoulder.
“Slow down, Dean. What happened?”
Dean just stood there for a minute. Then, “He hates me, Sammy. Says he never wants to see me again.”
Sam led Dean to sit on the couch.
“He doesn’t hate you, Dean. He loves you. Always has. He’s just hurt.”
Dean sighed. “I know that. But I can’t make it up to him. It’s been too long. I need to just leave him alone.”
Sam took a deep breath. “Look, I’m gonna say something now you probably don’t want to hear. But damn it, Dean, someone’s got to say it.”
Dean put his face in his hands.
“You need to stay here and try to fix things with Cas. The two of you belong together. You know it, Cas knows it, hell everyone knows it. Just get your head out of your ass for once.”
Dean turned his face and looked at Sam. “You honestly think I can fix this?”
Sam smiled. “I do. It’s gonna take work and time, but I think you can get Cas back. But the first thing you gotta do is stop running away. Stay here. Live in this house. You’re getting a chunk of money, so you’ve got time to look for a job. Hell, you can have my half if you promise to stay here and fix things with Cas. Start your own garage.”
Dean looked incredulous. “You’d give me your half?”
Sam grinned. “I would. I don’t need that money. Just promise me you’ll try to fix things with Cas.”
Dean gave him a tight hug. “I promise, bro. I swear I will. Thank you.”
Dean had to go back to Bobby’s, to get his stuff and tell Bobby he was leaving. It took him the better part of a week to get everything settled and get back. Sam had used the time to fix everything that needed fixing in the house.
They hugged hard and tight. “Thanks, Sam. I’ll never be able to make this up to you.”
Sam stood back with a grin. “Just get Cas back. That’s all I want.”
Dean stood and watched his brother drive away.
Dean went and had a talk with Ellen, who owned the Roadhouse. She agreed to Dean’s plan.
Friday night rolled around and Cas came in with Kevin and a couple of other co workers. They got beers and sat around talking.
When the spotlight went on, everyone turned to look at the stage. When Dean walked out with a guitar in his hand and sat down, Cas gasped.
Dean grinned, and said, “This one is for someone very special to me.”
Then he sang Your Song.
It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live
If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a traveling show
I know it's not much but it's the best I can do
My gift is my song and this one's for you
And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world
I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on
So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen
And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world
Cas had tears running down his face and Kevin was looking back and forth between Dean and Cas with an amazed look on his face.
When the song was over, everyone applauded and whistled. Dean looked sheepish and said “Thanks.”
He left the stage and went to the bar. Ellen handed him a shot.
He took a sip, then Cas was standing next to him.
“I thought you’d left town.”
Dean turned and smiled at Cas. “I only went to get my shit. I moved into Dad’s place. I’m staying.”
Cas nodded. “Okay… well, good luck. And thanks for singing that.”
Dean took another sip. “It always was one of our favorites.”
Cas turned and left.
Dean had arranged with the florist to deliver Cas a single red rose bud every day for ten days. No note, just the flower.
Cas called him. “Stop sending me flowers.”
Dean chuckled. “What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Cas sighed. “Look, I know it’s you. Just stop.”
“Can’t do that, Cas.”
Cas hung up.
On the eleventh day. Cas got a bouquet of ten red roses with one white one. The card read, ‘One for each of the ten years we missed. The white one is for the future. I love you. Dean’
Dean’s phone rang.
“You can take me out to dinner.”
Dean smiled. “Wait, who is this?”
Cas growled, “Ha ha, very funny, asshole. Just pick me up at six on Friday and take me out to dinner.”
“Yes sir! I’ll be there.”
Again Cas hung up without another word.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Dean was ready and at Cas’ by five-forty five but he sat in the car until five till six. Then he walked to the door and knocked. He was really nervous.
‘Shit, calm down. You got this.’
Cas answered the door. He was wearing tight jeans and a button down shirt that matched his eyes, sleeves rolled up to the elbow. Dean looked him up and down.
“You look really nice, Cas.”
Cas smiled. “Thanks. Now, where are you going to take me?”
Dean followed Cas to the car. “I was thinking Italian.”
Cas grinned. “Sounds lovely.”
Dean drove to Little Italy, the town’s best and only Italian restaurant. He opened the car door for Cas and guided him in with a hand at the small of Cas’ back.
They were seated and much to Cas’ surprise, he didn’t order anything alcoholic.
“Trying to cut back.”
Cas nodded and smiled.
Dinner was excellent. They each ordered the lasagna and it was delicious. They chatted occasionally, about nothing really. When dinner was finished. Dean asked Cas if he would like to get coffee somewhere.
“I can fix us coffee, Dean. Come back to my place.”
Dean smiled. “Okay, Cas, thanks.”
When they got there, Dean sat on the couch while Cas went and started a pot of coffee. While it was brewing, Cas came and sat on the couch with Dean.
“Dean, why are you doing this? I mean, why the song, why the flowers?”
Dean looked into those amazing blue eyes. “I want another chance with you, Cas. I want us to try again.”
Cas nodded. “It’s going to take time, you know. I want that too, but I’m still hurt and I don’t know if I can trust you.”
Dean nodded “I understand, Cas. But I’m gonna prove to you that I’ve changed. All I want is a chance.”
Cas smiled. “I’m giving you that.”
They drank their coffee and Dean went home, with the promise of another date next Friday.
Dean spent the following week looking for a location for the garage he wanted to open. He found two possibilities, and texted Cas about looking at them with him to help him decide.
Cas took a lunch hour and met Dean to look at the spots. They agreed that one was a lousy location so it was the other one that Dean signed a lease on. He stood, looking around and thinking how much work he had ahead of him. Smiling he started cleaning the front.
The next Friday came and Dean picked up Cas again. This time they went to the Roadhouse. Cas said He liked the food just fine there, and that Dean didn’t need to wine and dine him. They both had bacon cheeseburgers, cheese fries and a beer.
“If I keep this up, I’m gonna weight three hundred pounds.” Cas shook his head.
Dean smiled at him. “Then there’d just be more of you to love.”
They had another beer, then Dean asked Cas if he wanted to come back to the house.
“I’ve done some work on it.”
Cas said he’d love to see the place again, so Dean drove them home.
When Cas walked in, he whistled. “I’ll say you did some work! The place looks great.”
Dean had gotten some new living room furniture and put down new carpet.
“Thanks, Cas. It really needed it.”
They sat on the couch.
Dean looked down at his feet. “Can I… can I kiss you?”
Cas said, “Yes,” very quietly, and leaned over to kiss Dean.
It started out sweet but before long it was all tongues and nips and spit. They were both moaning and pulling each other closer.
Cas pulled back. “I’m not ready, Dean. I’m sorry, but I need more time.”
“I understand. Take all the time you need.”
“Thank you. I… I have to say, I really like this new you.”
Dean sighed. “I’m trying, Cas. I really want to do this right this time.”
Cas nodded. “I know. I can tell.”
Dean worked hard on getting the garage ready for business. Cas agreed to help him keep the books. They continued to date, and had make out sessions, but Cas was still resistant to having sex. Dean watched a lot of gay porn and was kind of nervous that he would develop carpal tunnel in his right wrist.
The day before the grand opening, Dean had flyers printed up. Cas took a bunch to work, Ellen took a bunch to put out at the Roadhouse, and Dean walked around, sticking them on car windows and asking businesses if he could post a flyer. Most places agreed.
When Dean opened up for the first time, there were three cars waiting. He took their information and went to work.
But then there was so many people wanting their cars worked on, he had to turn some away. He called Cas.
“Man, I need help! I gotta hire another mechanic.”
Cas told him he might know just the person and to hang on, he’d call the guy.
A half an hour later, Cas called back. “His name is Benny Lafitte and he’s on his way over. He’s a damn good mechanic.”
Dean thanked him profusely.
When Benny arrived, Dean liked the guy immediately. He hired him on the spot.
When Dean finally closed up for the day, he clapped Benny on the shoulder.
“Great to have you on board. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”
Just then, Cas pulled up. He got out and Dean walked over and kissed him.
“I’m a business owner!”
Cas smiled. “Yes, you sure are.” He turned to Benny.
“Hi Benny.”
Benny had a strange look on his face.
“Wait, you’re
the
Dean Winchester? Cas’ Dean Winchester?”
Dean looked between Cas and Benny. “Well, yeah, I guess I am.”
Cas looked a little uncomfortable. “Uh, Benny and I used to… well, we were together.”
It suddenly dawned on Dean. “He’s the one you were with for four years?”
Benny chuckled. “Yep, that was me. All Cas ever did was talk about you.”
Cas frowned. “That’s not true, Benny!”
Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “Look, I don’t want there to be any trouble between us. Can you work here, now that you know?”
Benny grinned. “Sure can,
cher
. Cas and I were over a long time ago. We’re just friends now. I was just surprised is all.”
Dean took a deep breath. “Okay! I really want you to work for me, man.”
Cas smiled and grabbed Dean’s hand. “I think it calls for a celebration. Your first day was a rousing success.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Dean and Cas went to the Roadhouse. They invited Benny to join them but he declined.
“Gotta get home to the old ball and chain.”
Dean was surprised. “You’re married?”
Benny grinned. “Yeah. Love of my life. Her name is Andrea. Married her just a little over a year ago.”
Dean smiled and shook Benny’s hand. “That’s great, man. See you in the morning.”
Later, at the bar, they had eaten and were in a booth with a couple of beers.
“Uh, Benny seems like a great guy. Thanks for suggesting him.”
Cas smiled. “You’re welcome. He was always a great mechanic and I just happened to know he was between jobs.”
“You, uh, stay in touch?”
Cas nodded. “Yeah, we parted friends. I know his wife too, she’s good people.”
Dean sifted in his seat. “He’s pretty big, you know, tall as I am and way more muscular.”
Cas looked at him with his head tilted.
“Dean, what are you saying?”
Dean looked down at his beer bottle. “I guess he’s really packing.”
Cas laughed out loud. “Oh my god, Dean, are you asking if his cock is bigger than yours?”
Blushing, Dean looked at Cas. “No! I mean… well… is it?”
Cas laughed harder. “No, for your information, you and he are about the same size. But really, Dean, what is this all about?”
Dean blushed. “I guess I’m just feeling insecure. I really want to have sex with you, Cas, and I get that you need time and all, but meeting Benny... “
Cas put a hand on Dean’s arm. “I know I’ve made you wait. But you don’t have anything to worry about. You’ve been wonderful, and you know what? Let’s get out of here. Take me home.”
Dean looked sad. “I’m sorry, Cas. Please, don’t go home yet.”
Cas looked at him and raised one eyebrow. “I didn’t say
my
home.”
Dean stared at him for a brief moment, then it dawned on him.
“Oh.
Oh
! Yeah, let’s go!”
Cas had to warn him to slow down on the way home.
They crashed into each other the second the door was closed. It was all warm lips, wet tongues, desperately grabbing clothes and rubbing against one another.
They left a trail of their clothes down the hall, like breadcrumbs if they forgot their way back.
When they got to the bedroom, Dean was naked and Cas just had his boxers on. They stood and kissed fiercely. Then Dean pulled away.
“Take those boxers off and fuck me.”
Cas laughed and pulled his boxers down and stepped out of them. He pushed Dean on the bed. Dean scooted up to the top and spread his legs. Cas stood there, just taking in the sight.
“You’re just as beautiful as you were ten years ago.”
Dean grinned. “You’re just saying that so you can get your cock in me.”
Cas crawled over him and kissed him. “That’s exactly why I said that. You’re actually old and ugly.”
Dean laughed. “Ha ha asshole. Just fuck me.”
Cas sat back. “Do you have a condom? I didn’t come prepared for this.”
Dean reached to the night stand and came back with one and a bottle of lube. “Like a boy scout, I’m always prepared.”
Cas grabbed the bottle and lubed up his fingers. He pushed one into Dean and they both groaned.
“Jesus, Cas, I’m not some blushing virgin. I don’t need that.”
Cas smiled. “I know, I just like to do it.” He pushed a second finger in and rubbed over Dean’s prostate. Dean threw his head back and gasped.
Cas wanted to keep it up, even considered eating Dean out, but he was too aroused to keep it up. He pulled his fingers out and opened the condom, rolling it on.
“Fuck I hate these things. We need to get tested.”
Dean nodded. “I agree, but right now, please just get on with it.”
Cas smiled. “You always were bossy.” He pushed in.
It was like coming home after being gone for years.
Dean wrapped his legs around Cas’ waist and pushed against him. He grabbed Cas’ hips and dug his fingers in.
Cas bottomed out and pulled back. He thrust back in and they both moaned.
“Dean… it’s…”
Dean moaned, “Yeah, Cas… I know.”
Cas pushed in and pulled back, faster and harder each time. Dean was holding on so tightly it was bound to leave bruises on Cas’ hips. Cas pulled Dean’s legs higher and leaned over, kissing him. It was wet and messy, but their tongues met and Cas groaned.
The past ten years just faded away. For Dean, all the pain, disappointment and failure was just forgotten. He was home, he had Cas, it was just like he’d never left.
For Cas, all the hurt, anger and disappointment of Dean leaving him was, at least for a time, forgotten.
Cas fucked him hard, just like he always had. They knew every inch of one another, it was like muscle memory, they just knew. Dean knew how to clench down on Cas’ cock, Cas knew just how to snap his hips into Dean.
Dean clung to Cas. He sang out Cas’ name over and over, like a prayer or a chant. Cas moaned.
“Cas… I’m going… I’m…” Dean came. Hard. He squeezed his eyes shut, saw stars behind his eyelids. His hole clenched down, unclenched and clenched again. Cas groaned.
Cas began to thrust in harder than ever, chasing his own orgasm. He leaned forward, thrust wildly and came.
He pushed in and out a few more times, then pulled out and laid on the bed next to Dean. They both tried to control their breathing, sweaty and sated. He ditched the condom in the trash.
Dean turned to Cas with tears in his eyes. “Cas, I love you. I’ve always loved you. You’re it for me, man. I know I hurt you. I’m sorry, I am so sorry. I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you, if you’ll just let me.”
Cas listened to him. He sighed. Then he kissed Dean. “Dean, I love you too. I never stopped loving you for a minute, even when I was so hurt and angry at you, I wanted to kill you. I just hope you’re past that now, that you’re gonna stay. Here. With me.”
“Baby, I will never leave you again in this life. I swear. I’m home.”
And he was. Cas moved in with him, they married seven months later. Dean never left town again, unless Cas was right there with him.