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Gazing down at his sleeping brother, Dean exhaled a thready sigh.In sleep, the worry lines on his face smoothed away, Sam appeared childlike and vulnerable; a fact which added more weight to the feelings of guilt Dean had been experiencing lately.
Just what had he done? What lengths had his love for his little brother brought them to?Rubbing wearily at his eyes, he turned towards the door. This was one of those times when coffee was as essential to him as air.He’d been the instigator of their relationship, the first to lay a kiss on his sibling’s lips, to add a sexual overtone to their brotherly love.
A line which should never have been crossed, the little Jiminy Cricket on his shoulder was whispering.Dean laid the blame squarely on his own shoulders, though that first kiss had been completely unplanned.
For the umpteenth time, Sam had been in danger, taken from Dean’s side to hell knows where, to have fuck knows what done to him!He’d managed to find Sam, save him at the last second from random demon number sixty-one… and in the impetus of the violent hug Dean had inflicted on his newly-regained baby brother, he’d put his lips to Sam’s. To this day, he still didn’t understand what had prompted him.He had been as surprised as Sam, a flush staining his cheeks at what he’d done. But instead of his brother staring at him with shock, a kind of awareness filled his eyes, as if Sam had been expecting something like this but hadn’t figured out exactly what.It was only later Dean came to realize that the continued fear of losing his brother had made him want to possess every atom of the person he loved most, and in every way possible. For a second, a smile hovered on Dean’s lips as he navigated the corridors towards the kitchen, recalling the aftermath of that day.
His baby brother had debated the pros and cons of the kiss, of what Dean could have intended by it, and as usual, Sam had managed to surprise him. His sibling hadn’t said another word to him, avoiding even being in the same room as Dean, until towards evening, Sam had presented himself in Dean’s personal space and kissed him back.
From then on, the sexual side of their relationship had grown exponentially, until it became difficult to remember when sex hadn’t been an essential part of their lives. Had it been the right way to go, though?
Fuck knows? The sex was awesome, the love they shared enhanced every touch, elevated every sensation to unique heights of pleasure, yet the guilt which had been niggling at Dean for a while now, just wouldn’t be silenced.They’d been boringly faithful, no more one-night stands, everything they craved was to be found in each other. Still, Dean felt his selfishness had robbed Sam of other options by drawing a perimeter around the two of them--a barrier keeping Sam prisoner within, while maybe outside, Sam could still have had a chance at a different life. His brother was only thirty-six, time enough for him to find a wife, have a couple of kids; add on a dog and whatever else had been the desire of a young Sam frustrated with the hunting life he’d been forced to grow up in.Effectively there was no reason Sam couldn’t give up hunting, and move out of the bunker which even now he still regarded as a mere workplace, not a true home.It was weighing on him that he should give Sam the chance before it was too late. It was up to Dean to back away but just the idea of not being able to love his brother sexually made him cringe in despair.
‘Shut the hell up, Dean,’ he muttered to himself while he prepared the coffee. ’It’s not always got to be about you!’ So when Sam pulled him in for a kiss, after stumbling drowsily into the kitchen, Dean fobbed him off with the excuse of ‘camel breath’, causing a frown to appear on Sam’s face.
‘You in a grumpy mood, dude?’ Sam asked. ‘Usually, you look for any excuse to fool around.’‘Nah. I’m good. Just tired, I guess.’ Dean retorted. ‘You want a coffee? "‘Dean. Come on! I can tell when you’re hiding something.’ Sam gripped the older man’s shoulder and turned him face-on.Dean lifted his eyes to look at his brother. Sam’s eyes were soft, concerned. Dean had seen the hazel irises change color according to Sam’s emotions.
When Sam was about to orgasm, they glowed amber, and to Dean’s memory it was the only time they ever did.
If he pushed Sam away, he’d never get to see that again.
A tender expression smoothed away the doubt on his features, and he returned Sam’s embrace. The guilt was still there but Dean realized he was too weak; he couldn’t, would never be able to surrender his brother into the arms of another. He’d just keep pushing down the feelings of guilt and maybe they'd fade away.‘Camel breath be fucked,’ he murmured against Sam's neck. ‘I love even that about you, Sammy. Sometimes I feel like a teen at his first experience. That’s how you’ve reduced me, dude.’
Sam grazed his sibling’s lips with his own. ‘Who’s the big girl now?’Dean’s eyes gleamed with repressed tears. This love they shared was so intense that at times it was physically and spiritually debilitating. Sam had always denied they were special, insisting they were normal human beings, though at times Dean wondered, but when his brother kissed him, when he was surrounded by Sam, there was no room for thought, only for love.The end