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When Cas regained consciousness, he found himself staring at the dark sky. His view was blocked by trees surrounding him, but they couldn't hide the burning dots spiraling towards the ground. There were to many lights to count them all, raining downwards like meteors. Any other day, he would have been amazed at the light show, admiring the way the light spread across the sky and illuminated the darkness. He would have stared in awe, lost in his thoughts about the beauty of all creation. But not today.
It took him a moment to realize the discomfort in his chest, to actually feel the pain that rolled through his fast beating heart. Heaving one heavy arm towards his upper body he pulled at his white shirt, but he wasn't able to ease the pain. His brain needed a few more seconds to work out what he was experiencing.
Feelings.
Not that he hadn't felt some of them before. But they had never been this intense.
His pain wasn't physical – even though, as he was thinking about it, he suddenly felt pain from the hard ground he was laying on – this pain was emotional. The lights brought him pain.
Guilt.
He understood when he thought he could feel muscles clenching in his chest, when his heart seemed to tear any second. It was only then that he remembered what had happened.
Memories were flashing through his brain, and Cas moaned at the sensation of being stabbed in the guts when the feelings hit him.
Betrayal.
Metatron. The white chair. The cuffs. His grace. The trials – the not-trials.
It was the angels. His brothers and sisters, falling. Thrown out of heaven, spiraling towards earth, and it was his fault. Because he had trusted the wrong man.
He squeezed his eyes shut at the realization that he had let his kind down again. But at that thought an even bigger realization hit him.
It wasn't his kind anymore. He wasn't an angel any longer.
“I am human,” he whispered into the darkness and watched his breath, visible as white steam, swirl through the air.
When he couldn't take his own thoughts any longer, he forced himself to his feet. At the unfamiliar feelings of pain in various places and discomfort from laying on the ground he winced. He looked at his hand, balling it into a fist and stretching his fingers again, and tried to understand the new feeling of being in a body and there alone. No more grace, no more tucked away wings, no more voices calling out to him in prayers all around the world, whispering in the back of his head. No more 'angel radio'. For the first time he realized how quiet it was inside his head. Just him and his thoughts.
Trying to distract himself from the identity crisis he felt rising he had a look around, taking in the woods around him. Every direction looked the same as the other ones, and after a thorough consideration, he picked a random path and started walking.***Dean didn't see the falling angels immediately. The tears in his eyes blurred his vision and he couldn't take his gaze from his brother, laying pale and lifeless in his arms. He held the hand that Sam had pressed on Crowley's mouth, the one that had squeezed his own weakly at his brothers whispered last words: 'It's okay Dean. This is okay.' Little had Sam understood that this was far from okay.
Yes, they had reached their goal. As soon as Crowley's body had slumped together after having his soul cured, thunder and lighting rolled across the lands. A quick glance through the foggy windows had shown Dean that black smoke was rising everywhere, swirling through the cold and dark air, before being pulled towards the ground and sucked away, leaving small, red glimmering patches of earth behind. But Dean hadn't cared that all the daemons were being forced back to hell. He couldn't care. Quickly he rushed to Sam, who had collapsed onto the hard ground, and pulled him into his lap. He couldn't remember what he had said exactly, but he knew he had begged. Begged for Sam to stay with him. But Sam didn't.
It was Crowley who directed his attention away. In a weak voice, that for the first time ever sounded like it had actual emotions behind it, Crowley whispered: “Dean? Dean, something isn't right outside. Please Dean, have a look.” Dean only reacted to the third 'Please' of the former king of hell, whose face was now showing fear. It was a confusing sight, but Dean didn't stop to think about it. Instead he walked across the room and looked through one of the windows. He frowned in concern at the view. One of the lights came crashing towards the grounds near them, and Dean was able to catch a quick close look at it before it hit the nearby lake.
“It's angels,” he whispered, “They're falling.”Even though he wasn't quite sure what the falling of the angels meant, he decided to get himself to safety. He struggled to pull his limb brother into the back seat of his car, refusing to leave him behind. After a quick consideration he threw Crowley they keys to his chains and told him to run – even though the former daemonking protested, Dean wasn't able to deal with him right now. Shortly after he drove through the night, his gaze following countless lights crashing towards the ground as he made his way back to the bunker. ***By the time Cas reached a road that led through the forest the sun had started to rise. While he had been hiking he had worked through some of the new sensations.
Pain was a simple one, especially because it seemed to be omnipresent. Who would have guessed being human was so painful? As he had studied his body he had found several injuries – bruises, grazes, cuts. Since Metatron had healed him in heaven, he must have acquired them later. Cas found himself wondering if he, too, had fallen.
The next sensation was exhaustion. He could only guess, but it had been about five hours of restless wandering when he realized he couldn't keep his pace anymore. For the first time in his life, Castiel was forced to take a break. As he sat down on a tree stump he buried his face in his hands.
Shame, he understood. He heard gasping and realized that he was out of oxygen, that it were his lungs that were desperately sucking in air. Stretching his legs he tried to get rid of the burning sensation in his feet. In a surprisingly human way he ran a hand through his wet hair, only to find himself staring at the pearls of sweat that were covering his hands afterwards. When he felt a threatening, all-round burning feeling working its way up to his throat and liquid blurred his vision he shook his head, balled his fists and continued to walk. Counting trees as he was walking by he avoided thinking about feelings again.
His counting was only interrupted when he caught sight of the street. A deep sigh escaped his mouth, since he was now finally able to follow a direction without getting lost. He didn't know where the road would lead him or what he was trying to reach, but he wasn't able to think about that. For the moment, all that counted was to walk and to get somewhere.***As Dean walked through the door of the bunker, the first thing he noticed were the blinking lights all over the mapping room. The table lit up in various shades of red and orange, and the tables at the wall screamed all kinds of different warnings at him. The second thing he noticed was the folded piece of paper at the bottom of the stairwell. It showed only a couple of words in a hasty, shaky handwriting: Bunker's going crazy. Getting myself to safety. Kevin.
Dean let go of the paper and slowly it flew back onto the floor. He fell into one of the chairs and stared blankly at the walls. He was alone. Alone with the blinking lights that he didn't even care about.
When he pulled his phone from his pockets he had no idea how much time had gone by. It wasn't important. Nothing felt important. Still, he tried to reach out to Kevin, only to be told by some female machine generated voice that his phone was currently out of service. After a couple of seconds of staring at the screen he scrolled through his contacts and dialed Cas' number. When the familiar machine voice started to say the same words as before he hung up, angrily raising his hand to throw his phone across the room. In a sudden wave of exhaustion he let his arm sink again, staring at the phone.
His gaze empty he eventually got to his feat, scuffing through the empty hallways of the bunker to gather the things he needed. Wood, cloth, accelerant...
When the sun rose, he was sitting on a crate outside of the bunker. His face propped up on his hands he stared into the fire in front of him, the flames liking at the white cloth that his brother was wrapped up in.
'Goodbye, Sammy' he murmured and a single tear dropped down his face.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
As the sun rose above the treetops Cas had to stop again. His feet were burning and lines of sweat running down his face. The vessel wasn't used to long hikes and neither was Cas – he had preferred flying to walking. To any kind of moving himself from one place to another, to be precise. Exhausted he sat down on the patch of grass next to the road, turning his face towards the sky as he tried to calm his heartbeat. No more falling lights were to be seen. All the angels must have landed by now. Cas was only hoping they all had survived the crash. What would they do now? All the confused and scared angels that were roaming the earth now, with no idea how humans worked. After years on earth he only had a faint idea about humans and now that he was one of them, he still wasn't able to understand all the sensations. But he understood that it felt good to take this break. To rest his feet, his body. He was glad to feel that his breathing was no longer causing him pain in his chest, that his heart didn't push the blood through his body as fast as it could anymore. A soft wind dried the sweat on his face and helped his body cool down.
The sound of an engine made him turn his gaze away from the sky. A small, blue car was driving down the road that he had followed and the driver actually stopped as he noticed Cas on the ground. The passenger seat window lowered with a humming noise and a deep voice called out to the former angel: “You alright?”
Cas had to clear his throat before he was able to form an answer: “Yes, thank you.”
A short silence followed and the driver of the car doubtfully raised and eyebrow. He eyed Cas up and down, starting at his red cheeks, wandering across his drenched shirt down to his feet, stretched from his body as if they didn't belong to him.
“Need a ride?” The driver eventually asked and leaned over to push the car door open.
Cas could feel his heart skip a beat at the unexpected kindness and quickly got to his feet: “Yes, I would really appreciate that. Thank you.”
As he was about to get into the car the stranger stopped him: “Hey, I don't want to be rude, but at least take your coat off. You look like you are burning up underneath all your clothes.”
One foot hanging in the air Cas stopped his movement to remove his beloved trench coat. Immediately he felt some of the heat leave his body, blown away by the faint wind. He sighed as he let himself drop into the passenger seat, his back relaxing against the soft padding of the car seat.
“Man,” the driver commented, throwing him a quick look before starting his car again, “You look like you've been through some stuff.”
“You have no idea,” Cas whispered before he rested his head against the window and immediately fell asleep.***To fast Cas was woken up by the voice of his driver: “Hey man, no idea where you need to go, but I'm near my flat now. Figured a gas station might be best for you right now.”
Cas blinked and rubbed his eyes in confusion before he remembered where he was. Slowly he turned his head towards the man behind the steering wheel, and he felt like he could sense some pity in the guys eyes. In a sleepy voice he thanked his driver: “I do appreciate your kindness very much. I'm sorry I don't have anything to offer to you in return.”
“Nah,” the other man signaled his refusal, “It's fine. Just, you know, call somebody to pick you up. Don't think you should hike much farther.”
With a small smile he pushed some money into Cas' hand and the former angels eyes widened: “No, I can't take your money.”
“Sure you do, you need it more than me right now.” The man's voice was surprisingly soft and Cas got the feeling that the stranger had been in similar situations before. So he nodded silently, thanked him again and looked for the nearest payphone as the blue car drove off.***When his phone rang Dean laid on his bed motionless, staring at the blank ceiling. For a moment he considered not answering, but he eventually sighed and reached over to the nightstand. Another second went by as he stared at the unfamiliar number before he finally accepted the call.
His voice was quiet and empty. “Hello?”
“Hello, Dean.” The voice on the other side of the phone sounded exhausted and weak. Maybe it was that, but maybe it was just the fact that Cas had called that caused Dean to sit up for the first time since he had burned the remains of his brother.
“Cas.” The name sounded like a relived sigh and Dean took a deep breath because of the knowledge that Cas was alive.
“What's wrong, Dean?” For the fact that the angle was not very good at social interaction, Dean was often surprised at how good Cas was able to tell when something was off.
“It's...” Dean's voice suddenly broke and a croaky sound escaped his throat. He covered his eyes with his free hand and swallowed hard. In the end, he only managed to whisper a single word: “Sam.”
But Cas understood. After a short moment of silence Cas answered with sincere sadness in his voice: “I'm so sorry, Dean.”
He could feel burning tears working their way up to his eyes, and in a very untypical moment of desperation he asked: “Can you come here, Cas?”
“Sure,” the angel replied without hesitation before he fell silent. This time it was Dean who sensed that something was off.
“Cas? What is it?”
“I will be there as fast as I can, Dean,” Cas promised, “It's just... I have to fall back on conventional methods of transport.”
“Why?” The concern in Dean's voice was unmistakable and he rose to his feat, “Are you injured?”
“No, no Dean, I'm...” Dean could hear Cas swallow at the other end of the line, “Metatron took my grace.”
Shocked Dean let himself fall back onto his bed. For a moment he was speechless, not knowing what to answer. Then, he stood up and walked over to the nail in the wall where he had hung up his keys.
“Where are you?” He asked the former angel, “I'm coming to pick you up right now.”
“You might not want to do that,” replied Cas quietly.
“Why?” Dean was already walking down the hallway outside of his room.
“It was my fault. The angels. They fell because of me. Metatron tricked me and he...”
Dean's calm voice interrupted him: “I'm coming.”
“But I-” Cas tried to argue, but Dean didn't let him finish his sentence.
“I'm on my way.”
“Thank you,” he could hear Cas whisper.***The moment Cas was able to hear the familiar sound of the Impala's engine he felt a huge weight lift from his chest. He stood up from the concrete stairs by the gas station and grabbed the bottle of water next to him. He had bought it from the shop once he had understood why his tongue felt like sandpaper and his throat itched. His stomach was also causing new sensations to him, but he didn't have any money left to satisfy his hunger. That had to wait.
The car pulled into the parking spot and Cas sighed with relive. He opened the door and a mix of smells rose to his nose, a combination of sweat, blood and fire. It didn't smell good, but Cas was certain he didn't smell nice at the moment, either. What was important right now was the person waiting inside the car. Cas slipped through the door and in the passenger seat. His eyes naturally focused on Dean. Even though his own face didn't show it, the other man's appearance made him worry. Dean's face was pale, his hair a total mess and his clothes dirty. It was too shady for Cas to make out if it was only muddy dirt or a mix of nastier things. Not that it would have changed anything about their situation. Still, the most concerning feature were Dean's eyes. They had a dark shadow beneath them that spoke of exhaustion. The eyelids hung deeper than normally and a hint of red remained of apparently shed tears.
“Hello, Dean,” Cas finally said when he looked away from Dean, “You look bad.”
“Right back at you,” stated Dean, his gaze wandering across the bloodstains, the mix of earth and sweat all over his clothes.
Without another word Dean backed up the Impala and followed the road back the way he came. Their one hour drive went by in silence. But it wasn't the awkward, uncomfortable silence that Cas had sensed in humans around him before. There was just nothing to be said. They both knew the pain both of them were in, and they both knew they could do nothing to ease said pain. But the feeling of no longer being alone made it more bearable for Cas. It was like Dean had taken a part of his burden and in return, Cas had taken some of his. ***When Cas followed Dean down the stairs into the bunker, the other man cleared his throat and addressed him with quiet words: “So, you're human?”
“That seems to be the truth,” replied Castiel, letting his gaze wander across the room. All kinds of lights were flashing from different instruments, lighting up the bunker in an inappropriate colorful way. The image of one of the establishments Dean had taken him to before came across his mind, because it had been illuminated in a similar way.
“So you need to eat, drink and sleep?” Dean followed up on his prior question, leaning against a table in the library.
“Yes, I hydrated my body at the gas station. But I think it would appreciate some form of nourishment.” Disapprovingly Cas looked down towards his stomach.
Raising an eyebrow at the former angels choice of words Dean gestured him to follow, leading him into the kitchen. “What can I get you?” He eventually asked Cas while looking through some of the cupboards.
“You don't have to get me something. I am capable of doing this myself,” stated Castiel and crossed the room, but he staid behind the kitchen island when Dean didn't stop working his way through the storage.
Without turning towards Cas he muttered: “First of all, I'm not too certain you can do this on your own. Second, please just let me do this.”
For a moment Cas had the image of being cared for by a bigger brother in his mind, until he realized that that might be exactly what Dean tried to replicate. So instead of arguing that he had no specific interest in the kind of food he would use to still his hunger, he settled for a soft 'thank you' and sat down at the small table. Without hesitation Dean had gathered some bread, cheese, ham, lettuce and tomatoes on the kitchen island and prepared sandwiches for the two of them. While his hands were busy with the food in front of him and his eyes were occupied by the task, he mumbled some things: “If you are tired you can have one of the bedrooms. I think number 20 is empty but equipped with sheets and everything. Bathrooms are all over the place, just take what you need. If you need some clothes feel free to ask me, and if you want to clean your own stuff,“ with a knife in his hand he gestured up and down Catiels body, “you know where to find the laundry room. But I think your white shirt might be a lost cause.” In agreement Cas nodded and looked down towards the brown blood stains, starting at his neck and trailing all the way to the seam of the shirt. He hadn't yet thought about the fact that his one-for-all policy regarding his clothing might not be practical anymore. Not that he had any experience with it, but from observation he had gathered that humans did not sleep in their suits and coats. Dean's offer was very kind to him.
“Thank you, I appreciate that.” A weak smile pulled at the corners of his mouth. Dean didn't look him in the eye as he set two plates down at the table. At the sight of the prepared sandwiches Cas could feel saliva collecting under his tongue and he suddenly understood what humans meant when they stated that something was 'mouth-watering'. Even though he hadn't cared what kind of calories he would consume to keep his body functioning, Castiel was amazed at the first bite of his meal. It wasn't the first time that he had tried food, Sam and Dean had given him all kinds of things to taste. But his grace was too thorough in taking all the information in, so that he was able to taste every single molecule – which didn't make for a pleasant experience. But since he was now human, his tongue wasn't as precise anymore and the different flavors mixed in his mouth, resulting in a rather pleasurable taste. He nodded approvingly, which to his surprise led to a small smile on Dean's face.
Once they had finished their meal Dean threw him a quick glance: “Maybe you wanna have a shower before you hit the hay?”
Cas had heard Dean use the term before and he knew what it meant, even though it puzzled him what kind of person would think of such an expression. He nodded at Dean and carried his plate to the sink. Carefully he turned towards the other man: “That might be a good idea for both of us.”
Dean sighed, ran a hand through his hair and crinkled his nose at the feeling of oily skin. He, too, nodded, and they both headed off to the bed- and bathrooms.***The warm water of the shower mixed with some burning tears from Dean's eyes. He wasn't breaking down and sobbing, but he wasn't able to hold back some of the emotions. The image of Cas sitting in the place where he had served Sam countless meals worked its way into his mind, and even though there was nothing wrong with Cas sitting in that spot, it still felt gut-wrenching. But he had to admit that it still felt better than the thought of sitting in the kitchen on his own. He was glad that Cas was with him and that he seemed to have an eye on him. Dean wasn't too sure if he would have even moved from his bed if it hadn't been for Cas. Their unspoken agreement over the calm silence they shared felt soothing for his aching heart.
Dean shook his head and chased the emotional and feely stuff out of his thoughts. In a practiced manner he rubbed shampoo in his hair, only now noticing the strong smell of fire on his body. It took him way longer that day to feel somewhat clean and able to climb out of the shower. Once he had changed into his pajamas he heard a careful knock at his door.
“Come in,” he called towards the door and Cas, dressed in one of the men of letters bathrobes, slipped inside.
“Can I come back to your offer of clothing?” The former angel asked, his eyes wide with insecurity. It hit Dean that this was probably the first time Cas had to get ready to go bed.
“Absolutely,” he reassured Cas and gestured for him to come over to his closet, “Any preferences?”
“I haven't yet tried many clothes, so no, I don't know what I like yet.” Cas shook his head and Dean nodded. Quickly he grabbed one of his pajama pants and a plain gray shirt that he used to sleep in and slipped them into Cas' hands: “Try that on and then you can tell me if you feel comfortable. I won't look.”
Even though Dean wasn't sure if embarrassment was something that the former angel had a concept of – as an angel or now that he was human – he still turned his back and studied one of the guns at the wall while listening to the sounds of Cas changing. Once the other man murmured “I'm done.” he turned to face him. It was an unfamiliar sight to see Cas without his typical clothes, wearing pajamas made him look actually human. Since he was about the same height as Dean the clothes seemed to fit quite well.
“How does it feel? Are you comfortable?” Asked Dean, suddenly uncertain if Cas even knew how to tell whether he was comfortable or not.
“I...” Cas took a second to walk a couple of steps in Dean's room. He stretched his arms and watched the fabric of the shirt move before he stated: “This is unfamiliar. But I do think it is less confining than my suit, and I guess that is a good criterion to judge ones sleepwear.”
Dean smiled at the former angels attempt to objectify his comfort and slightly shook his head: “Cas, have you slept before?”
“I did fall asleep for a short period of time when a driver picked me up today.” Castiel stated seriously.
“So do you think you...” Dean hesitated for a second and rephrased his question without using the words 'know how to sleep', “Will you be able to sleep?”
When Cas looked towards the ground Dean got the first look of the new humans insecurity and slight fear of his new state. Nevertheless his voice was stable when he answered: “I watched humans go to sleep for a long time and I think I have a general idea of how it works, even though I don't know how skillful I will be. But I don't want you to feel obliged to worry about that.”
Dean's voice got soft: “Cas, I want you to come and wake me if you're having trouble sleeping, okay? All this human stuff must be pretty scary to you.”
Still avoiding eye contact Cas nodded: “Thank you Dean. If you have trouble with something, I want you to do the same.”
Tensing up Dean nodded once and gave Cas a weak smile: “Thanks. And good night, I guess.”
“Good night,” Cas whispered and slipped out of Dean's room. For a second Dean stared at the place where Cas had stood a moment earlier. A quiet voice in his head wished that the former angel had stayed and that he didn't have to spend the night on his own. With a deep sigh he got under his covers and pulled them over his head. Pressing his eyes shut he tried to fall asleep as fast as he could.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
When Cas had fallen asleep in the car, it had felt so effortless. One moment he had been awake, and the next thing he remembered was waking up again. But this time around it didn't seem to be that simple. Cas had lied down on his back, pulled the covers up to his chest and closed his eyes. But instead of falling asleep, thoughts were screaming and yelling in his head, fighting for his attention. Over and over again he felt Metatron slicing his throat and the sensation of his grace pouring out of his body. Again and again he saw his brothers and sisters fall from heaven, brightly shining points of fire rushing towards earth. And constantly he saw Sam, the gentle smile on the tall mans face that he would never get to see from a human perspective. Even though he couldn't exactly locate the feeling in his human body, he could tell that he missed Sam. The bunker felt empty, there had always been more people around when he visited. The fact that he was alone with his thoughts, no more prayers and angelic voices ghosting through his head, might also have contributed to his sense of loneliness.When he couldn't bear his thoughts any longer, he rolled to his side and pulled his legs slightly towards his upper body, a position he had observed with some humans attempting to rest. When that didn't work, he even tried laying on his stomach, but he couldn't quite figure out how to comfortably rest his head that way. It didn't take long until he got annoyed at his need to sleep, since he was absolutely exhausted and tired and still couldn't rest. After countless minutes had ticked by, Castiel finally drifted into restless sleep.He woke up again and again. It confused him, having to remember what exactly he was doing in the dark and in a bed, and then having to start over with trying to fall asleep. When he eventually gave up and decided to get out of bed, the alarm clock on his nightstand told him that it was half past four. Even though he knew that that wasn't a normal time for humans to get up, he couldn't stay in his room any longer.Imitating what he remembered from Sam and Dean's morning routine he made his bed and brushed his teeth. The first task was fairly easy to complete, while what he was trying to achieve by brushing his teeth was not absolutely clear to him. Since he lacked any clothes that he could wear except for the pajamas Dean had lent him, he just stayed in them. In the end he found himself wandering through the dark and silent hallways until he reached the war room. To his surprise he spotted a shimmer of light coming from the library.He found Dean sitting at one of the tables, hunched over a slim leather bound book. In an attempt not to give the other human a fright he announced himself with a whispered: “Hello, Dean.”Dean looked up to him and raised his eyebrows. His deep voice didn't hide his slight concern as he asked: “Where you looking for me?”“No,” Cas sat down on a chair opposite of Dean and folded his hands on the table. He stared at them as if he was seeing them for the first time. “I just gave up on trying to fall asleep. Who would have guessed that would be such a challenge?”“Did you catch any sleep at all?” Inquired the other man and Cas nodded reassuringly.“I managed to fall asleep a couple of times. But I somehow failed to stay in that state.” Slightly tilting his head he looked at the book in front of Dean. “What are you reading? Are you researching?”Cas heard a quiet sigh from Dean before the man answered: “Not really. Reading up on some angel stuff, since...” He paused and shifted in his seat, “Because, you know...”“They fell.” Castiel finished his sentence and looked at his hands again. He recognized the way his chest hurt from the day before, the feeling of guilt.“That, too,” Dean nodded, “but I was actually more concerned with... with your grace.”Cas looked up to Dean, questioning: “Why would you be concerned about it?”“I just thought, maybe you want it back.” Dean stated as if it was the only logical conclusion.“Oh.” Cas squinted at Dean while trying to figure out his intention, “Dean, Metatron used my Grace in his spell. So... It is gone, and there isn't a way of retrieving it.”“Hm,” muttered the human, studying the book in front of him. “Can you get... I don't know, some new grace?”Cas frowned. “No, that's not an option. An angels grace isn't replaceable like that. Just like you couldn't trade your soul with anyone and still be yourself.”“Oh,” was all Dean was able to answer. They shared a moment of silence, both lost in their own train of thoughts. Eventually, Dean was the one who began to speak again.“What happened with Metatron, Cas? If you don't mind me asking.”Slowly Cas took a deep breath before he retold the course of events the days before. What Metatron had told him, how he had killed the nephilim and what had happened when they returned to heaven. His voice got desperate and he gestured with his hands – not something his angelic version had done a lot – as he tried to explain to Dean what had let him to believe Metatron.Dean's voice was calm and collected when he interrupted Castiel: “Hey.” He reached across the table and gently rested his hand on top of Cas' folded ones. Patiently he waited until Cas looked up to him.“I am truly sorry about what Metatron has done to you.” Dean looked Cas straight into the eyes, his eyes opened wide and his eyebrows raised. It was the look he often had when he was very serious about something on his mind, “And Cas, I understand that this,” he gestured at Cas' body, “must be new and scary, and I can only imagine how strange you might feel right now. That's why I want you to know, Cas, that I don't judge you for what has happened. I don't think it was your fault, and even if it was, I don't care.” Slowly he shook his head and stared at the tabletop. “I... I need you right now, Cas. I can't afford to lose anyone else.” Dean swallowed audibly and forced a smile on his face when he looked up, “So you don't have to try to convince me. You don't have to argue or discuss this with me. If you want to, I will listen, but... Yeah, just that. I don't want you to worry about what I might think.” The human went back to studying the pattern in the table's wood.The former angel had to clear his throat before he was able to reply. “That... that really means a lot to me. And you are correct, being human is very confusing at the moment. I am glad that... well, that you are okay with me being around while I try to figure it out for myself.”“Just tell me if you need anything, okay? Or ask if something is weird. I don't mind.”Cas nodded and a soft smile pulled at the corners of his mouth. Suddenly the words just left his mouth, before he was able to think them trough: “I miss Sam.”He heard Dean breath in sharply and was certain that he had ruined the peaceful moment they had when Dean spoke in a weak, soft voice.“I miss him too, Cas. Very much.”Some seconds ticked by in silence, but it didn't feel uncomfortable. Cas' thumb absently stroked the patch of skin where Dean's hand had rested earlier and Dean stared at the pages of the book, even though he wasn't reading the printed words.When Dean spoke, it was so quiet Cas had to concentrate to make out what he was saying. “It should have been me. I am his bigger brother, I should have protected him. He should have outlived me, not the other way round.”Had he still had his grace, Cas wouldn't have hesitated to tell Dean that him being Sam's big brother didn't obligate him to die earlier, but something in his gut told him that that was not what Dean meant. So instead he took a moment to try and understand the feelings Dean might experience. “You feel like you let your brother down.” He carefully stated in the end.Cas studied Dean's face and Dean simply nodded. Still in a gentle voice the former angel added: “Do you think Sam felt like you let him down?”Dean looked up and met Cas' gaze, who had slightly tilted his head. “I don't think that he felt that way, no.” Dean whispered, and after a short moment of silence he shook his head. He smiled weakly and teased: “When did you get adequate in making conversation?”“I think my current state as a human might help.” Cas stated and straightened his head. When his stomach rumbled audibly, Cas felt his cheeks heating up as he experienced embarrassment.Dean actually giggled softly. “Speaking of. How about we get you something to eat?” Without waiting for an answer Dean got up and lead the way to the kitchen.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Preparing breakfast around five am wasn't something Dean would usually do. But he had to admit, this wasn't the time for 'usual' stuff. Apparently Cas hadn't gotten enough to eat yesterday evening and Dean wondered if the former angel simply hadn't noticed or hadn't said anything. He could picture both scenarios. He gathered ingredients to make fruit salad with yogurt, stacking the items on the kitchen island.
“Can I help preparing?” It was the childlike innocence and curiosity in Cas' voice that had Dean smiling, even though he felt terrible.
“Sure,” replied Dean and eyed the former angel, holding a knife and a cutting board in his hands. “How good are you with a kitchen knife?”
Cas took the knife from him and stared at it. “To be honest, I have never used one before. But I think the mechanics should be easy enough for me to understand.”
Dean nodded. He passed the former angel the bananas, just because he figured they would be the most fail-safe. Not many ways to mess up cutting a banana, right? He grabbed himself another knife and cutting board and started with some apples. To his relive Cas was peeling his first banana without a problem – Dean had been concerned he might assume you could eat the peel, but it would have been awkward if he explained it and Cas had known. He shook his head in confusion. Of course Cas knew humans didn't eat the peel, he had been around for centuries. Even though he was new at being human, he wasn't stupid. Still, he watched him as he sliced the knife through the soft fruit, but his fingers were always at a safe distance from the blade.
Cas pulled him from his thought when he absentmindedly asked: “Can I try a piece?”
Dean looked at him, his eyes furrowed in confusion: “Of course you can, you don't have to ask me for permission. Never tasted banana before, huh?”
The former angel shook his head as he picked up a round slice of the yellow fruit. He placed it in his mouth, and Dean knew he was staring at the other man, but he couldn't stop himself. Cas' eyes wandered to the corners of his eyes as he apparently focused on the flavor of the banana. His face didn't reveal what he thought. As he swallowed, he looked at Dean.
“Sweet,” Castiel commented, “and a soft texture.”
“Do you like it?” asked Dean, trying to get more out of the former angel than what sounded like a note in a dictionary.
“I think so?” Cas made it sound like a question, uncertainty speaking from his slightly squinted eyes.
Dean held out a piece of the apple he had cut. “Wanna try something for comparison?”
With a view that Dean could only describe as suspicion Cas took the piece of fruit from him. For a moment, he was busy with chewing. Seeing the former angel chew was something that Dean hadn't seen often before, and he caught himself just watching.
“This one is not as sweet as the banana. And it is more... dense.”
Dean raised an questioning eyebrow.
“I think I like it being more solid,” Cas stated with a quick glance at the banana, “but I'm not saying I disliked the banana.”
Dean smiled warmly at him and turned towards some of the other fruit he had picked out. “Wanna try some more?”
“Yes please, I would like that,” answered Cas and returned his smile.***Cas found that being human was mostly confusing. He was glad that Dean was very understanding of his situation and showed consideration at all times. He wanted to let him know how much that meant to him, that he was glad to figure this out in his presence, but he didn't know how to say it. It felt like too much at the moment.
Their breakfast had been interesting to him, even though it had been a lot to take in. Everything tasted different and when he thought he had an idea of all the different flavors, Dean had served him some fruit salad and he was astonished by the way the various flavors worked together to taste like something else again.
They had cleaned their dishes from today and the day before and ended up in the library, reading. Not because there was something they could research – they both read up on the falling of angels, even though they knew there was nothing to be found – but it was familiar. Sitting together between the books, concentrated silence between them, they knew how it worked. It didn't need effort to work stuff out between them, to cope with the loss of one of their team members or Cas to be overwhelmed by being human. It also took their mind off all the painful memories that were floating in both their heads. So they didn't talk about the fact that the reading was useless as research, because it functioned as something else at the moment. Cas found himself getting lost in old Greek letters about bewitching angels, and the interest that worked its way into his mind was something he could deal with. Grabbing books, looking stuff up, connecting facts and trying to understand something, it felt good. It wasn't new, it wasn't complicated and it didn't require feelings. He sighed silently with relieve.***Around noon Dean had cooked for both of them again – just some pasta, but Cas seemed to enjoy it – and they spend the afternoon reading. After dinner Dean felt too tired to keep staring at books, so he asked Cas if he wanted to do something else. The former angel looked at him like a deer caught in the headlights, apparently not sure what to answer.
“Just, think if there is something that you would like to do right now. If you feel like reading or if you would like to relax, think or take your mind off things, you know,” he tried to explain himself to Castiel.
The other man stared at the table for a moment before he answered thoughtfully: “I think right now I would prefer not to dwell on the thoughts in my mind.”
“Okay,” Dean nodded, “That's something to work with. Do you want to spend some time together or would you rather be on your own?”
“I feel calmer being around you,” Cas didn't hesitate to respond this time and Dean felt a wave of affection roll through his chest, “But what about you? I would understand completely if you want to be alone for some time.” Dean's heart ached at the thought of being on his own. Images of Sam dying in his arms came flashing to his mind and he quickly suggested: “How about we watch TV together? Think you would like that?”
With eyes widened Cas shrugged his shoulders: “I don't know. But I am willing to experiment.”
A slight smile on his lips Dean lead Cas to his room. He propped his Laptop up on the foot of his bed and leaned against the headboard, patting the spot on his left for Cas to join him. Cautiously the former angel climbed onto the mattress and imitated Dean's posture, crossing his legs at the ankles and folding his hands in his lap. Dean huffed, but it wasn't mocking: “Just make yourself comfortable. You might want to sit differently than me, so feel free to do things how you feel and not how you see me doing them.”
Castiel nodded and explained in a serious voice: “I simply don't know where to start...”
Dean frowned with a little bit of pity: “Don't worry, dude. We'll get you there.”
Cas threw him an appreciative smile and Dean started an episode of Friends. He normally wouldn't watch something so... uneventful, but at the moment he just longed for some calmness.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Castiel was okay with watching TV. It wasn't the most exciting thing, but it kept him busy enough that his thoughts didn't start to wander. He mostly enjoyed the huffs he heard from Dean from time to time, even though it was obvious he didn't feel well. The shadows he had noticed under his eyes the day before had deepened and Cas wondered how much sleep Dean had gotten, since he had been awake before him. His face was pale and his eyes missed the spark they normally had in them. Cas found it to be admirable that the human was still able to deal with him being new and different, since he had enough on his plate on his own. He wanted to help make Dean feel better, but he didn't know how. There was no way for him to bring back Sam and he hadn't much experience in comforting grieving humans.Cas was lost in his thoughts when he suddenly felt a weight on his shoulder. He looked around and found Dean sleeping, leaning against him. The other man's mouth stood slightly open and Castiel was able to hear him breathing slowly. The former angel panicked, uncertain of how to deal with the situation. He knew that Dean wasn't very fond of body contact and his own skin beneath his shirt tingled at the unfamiliar sensation of contact with another human. Staring at the moving images on the laptop he considered pushing Dean away, but he didn't want to wake him or make him feel rejected since he was already not doing too well.The decision was made for Castiel when Dean, still asleep, sighed softly and his muscles relaxed. He turned towards the former angel and rested his hand on Cas' upper body. At the contact Cas could feel himself calm down and his eyelids getting heavier, and before he was able to think about it too much, he, too, fell asleep.***Dean was awoken by somebody twitching next to him. As Dean felt his hand on another body that could only belong to the one other person in the bunker, his first instinct was to jump out of the bed. But he was distracted by a frightened, choked sound from Castiel's throat. The other man flinched and under his hand Dean felt the muscles tense. In the dim light of the laptop he could see that Cas' eyes were squeezed shut and his eyebrows pulled together. So instead of rushing as far away from the other man as he could, he gently shook him.“Cas,” he whispered, not sure if he wanted to wake him up or not, “Hey, you're having a nightmare.” Once more Cas twitched and his hands grabbed at the sheets. “Buddy, it's a dream. You're safe.” Dean continued to carefully shake Cas at his shoulder and one of the former angels hands grabbed his, clinging to it as if his life depended on it and another choked sound escaped his mouth.“Ow,” Dean protested and tried to free himself from the grip, “Okay, you need to wake up, Cas. Hey!”Finally, Castiel's eyes flung open. Disoriented his gaze wandered across the room. Dean squeezed his hand reassuringly and muttered: “It was a dream, Cas. You're safe. Promise.”Cas' eyes found his and the expression of terror slowly faded from his face. “Oh,” he gasped, barely audible.“'m sorry,” murmured Dean, “I know that feels like shit. But it's over now.”Slowly Cas released Dean's hand from his tight grip. “Sorry about that,” he whispered with a nod to their hands, “and about waking you.”“It's fine,” answered Dean and stretched his fingers, “Really. Do you want to go back to sleep?”Silently and with widened eyes Cas shook his head. Afterwards he cleared his throat. “What about you?”“Nah,” commented Dean, “I actually feel like I got an okay amount of sleep. I think I'll take a shower. Maybe you want to take one, too. Could help calm you down.”Cas nodded, rubbing his eyes. He felt the mattress shift when Dean got up and slowly he climbed out of bed, too. The human held out some clothes for him: “If you want to change afterwards. We should get you some cloths of your own, but for now, that's all I have.”“Thank you, Dean. I appreciate this.”Dean turned back towards his closet and pulled out some things for himself while he heard the sound of bare feet walking towards the door. The handle was pushed down, but Cas apparently paused for a moment.The words from the former angel where cautious and whispered: “And I'm sorry for sleeping in your bed. I know you're not fond of being in close proximity to other people.”“I didn't mind.” Dean didn't know where the quiet, but rushed words had come from, and he quickly glanced at Cas to check if he had heard him. Judging by the relived look on the former angels face he had, and Dean turned back to his closet while he felt blood rush into his cheeks. The door closed. Under normal circumstances he wouldn't have been okay with sharing his bed with another man, but when he felt he was close to falling asleep the evening before he was just glad Cas was by his side. He certainly hadn't meant to touch him, but since the other man apparently hadn't pushed him away, it didn't seem to be a problem. And, Dean reminded himself, Castiel had been an angel and still kind of was one, at least formerly. So it didn't even count as sharing his bed with a man. And he had to admit, it was his first night in weeks without waking up because of a nightmare – at least not of one of his own nightmares.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Barefooted Cas tapped through the cold corridors, his hands tightly closed around the clothes Dean had given him. The images of his nightmare still rushed through his head, making his heart race in his chest. It was irritating. It had felt so real. He had known about the concept of dreams and about nightmares, too. Often enough it had been him who woke up Dean when they were trapped in purgatory. Since Castiel didn't need to sleep at the time he had watched over the human, and all to vividly he remembered the cries and the shaking from Dean's body when he had nightmares. Now he was on the receiving end of a nightmare for the first time, and it made him feel awful. His body was tense, ready to react to a threat that wasn't there, and he felt scared.
The feelings became less intimidating when he locked the bathroom door and stepped into the shower. Dean had been right, the water helped calm him and his heart rate down. It also cooled down his skin and cleaned him of the pearls of sweat. But it wasn't able to wash away the images of his dream.
Castiel was rather certain that they would come again. He felt that he deserved the nightmares, because it was his fault that a lot of people (and angels) were currently suffering. But as he rubbed the shampoo into his hair and his breathing evened out, his thoughts slowly came back to reality.
Once he was clean and dry he took a look at the clothes Dean had provided him with. He put on the basic underwear and jeans before he grabbed the shirt. It was plain dark gray. When he pulled it over his head he could smell the familiar scent of Dean. Not that he would tell him, but wearing something that had been cleaned with the detergent he had sometimes noticed when he was still an angel, it calmed him down. The pajamas had lost that smell within hours and he had to admit he felt happy about dressing in borrowed clothes again. The human was right, he had to get clothes of his own, but right now he liked the way it was.
Cas looked in the mirror and tilted his head. Since he wasn't as muscular as Dean the shirt hung slightly loose around his upper body. The belt held the jeans secure on his hips. The sight was unfamiliar. He found himself resembling Sam and Dean, at least in the way they dressed (not too surprisingly, since he wore some of Dean's clothes). In some way, Cas found that it made him look a lot more... well, like a human. He didn't know what to think of that.
Eventually he made his way towards the kitchen. Before he reached it he was already able to hear music coming from the direction and he recognized it as a song from one of Dean's records. Dean had insisted on placing a record player in the kitchen so he could listen to music while cooking, and since he was the chef most of the time, no one had minded. Cas paused, still away from the entry to the kitchen and thereby hidden from view. He took a moment to listen to the music.
It wasn't the first time he heard music, when he was around Dean most of the time some rock songs were playing in the background. But as an angel, Castiel hadn't cared about the sounds coming from jukeboxes, radios or speakers. As a human, he quickly understood why. It was the same way it had been with food – instead of tasting everything together, his grace had broken it down into every single molecule. And with music, his grace had worked out every note, every instrument and every voice on his own. The song that was playing was familiar to Cas – Styx, Renegade, he remembered. But it sounded different. For the first time all the sounds – instruments, the voice – reached him together and played as a whole. Cas closed his eyes. The way the beat resonated with the voices, the way the rhythm held all parts in sync, the way the voices harmonized with the instruments... It calmed him down, it felt good. It sounded beautiful.
After a couple of seconds he turned around the corner of the kitchen, only to stop again. Dean stood with his back towards him and didn't notice Cas' footsteps over the sound of the music. The human was apparently preoccupied with something in his hands, but his head nodded to the beat of the music and he made small movements with his upper body. He didn't really dance, but he was obviously in tact with the song. Watching Dean in this small moment of mental peace brought a smile to Cas' lips.
When the instruments stopped playing and the singers followed along to the drums Dean turned to his side, a metal bowl in one hand and a whisk in the other, imitating the drums by hitting the whisk on the edge of the bowl. Silently he mouthed along to the lyrics:“Oh mama, I'm in fear for my life from the long arm of the law.
Hangman is coming down from the gallows and I don't have very long.”Once the instruments started playing again, Dean lively swung around and immediately froze when he saw Cas.
“I'm so screwed,” whispered Dean and Cas wasn't certain if he was meant to hear it. He pulled his eyebrows together in confusion. Dean put the bowl on the kitchen island and returned to stirring the contents. He spoke again, this time his voice was clearly audible - and less outraged than Cas had expected: “Still sneaking up on me and staring, huh?” Normally Dean would make it clear that he disliked being watched, but this time his voice sounded almost teasing, Cas noticed. He couldn't prevent the tips of his ears redden and he changed the subject: “I like this song.” Casually he nodded in the direction of the record player.
Caught by surprise Dean paused the stirring for a moment and watched Cas, as if he expected the former angel to take it back. When Castiel didn't, he inquired: “I thought you aren't interested in music?”
Cas sat down at the table and Dean added some milk to his bowl. “I wasn't,” the former angel confirmed, “but I just realized that I haven't been able to really listen to it as an angel. My grace picked the song apart, just like it did with food. When I heard the music a couple of seconds ago it was the first time I actually could listen to it, as a whole, I mean.” Castiel fell silent, suddenly embarrassed by his weird explanation. But Dean didn't seem to mind, he had turned around again and was standing over a pan on the oven (scrambled eggs, Cas realized, that's what he was doing). “That's great, man!” There was actual delight in Dean's words, “And do you like it? Music, I mean?”
“I think I do,” Cas answered and his insecurity came back and hit him, “but I've only heard the one song, so maybe I need to do some further research before I can answer that question.”
“I'll help you,” Dean offered, “If you want, I'll show you some more after breakfast.”
His smile was so honest and excited that Cas wasn't able to do anything but nod.***They sat in the library, in front of Dean's laptop. He opened the browser and started to show different music videos to the former angel. At first Cas was shy about having an opinion, trying to objectify the quality of the music. It took Dean a while to convince him that his taste in music wasn't something he could be right or wrong about. To elaborate he looked up a very sappy, romantic love song. The former angel listened to the music with the same concentrated attention he had given all the other clips Dean had shown him. Dean explained to him, that Sam had enjoyed the song a lot and he hadn't, but that it didn't mean either of them had been wrong. Though Dean did imply that if Cas was into hardcore emotional music, he would tease him about it.
“I prefer the heavier music. Like you've shown me before. The ones that sound stronger.” Cas stated after he had thought for a while. Dean could feel his classic rock loving heart jump happily and he went back to show Cas some more of his favorites. After a while he discovered that the former angel tended to like faster songs better than slow ones and that he was fascinated by singing.
They had spend an hour clicking themselves through different songs when Cas looked at Dean with a unreadable expression on his face: “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” Dean tapped his thumb on his armrest in the rhythm of the beat, “What's up?”
“What made you move to the music in the kitchen?” Cas tilted his head and watched him like a lab rat in an experiment.
Dean huffed. “I don't know. Just kinda happened. Why do you ask?”
More or less ignoring his question the former angel added: “You looked relaxed.”
Shrugging his shoulders Dean replied: “Yeah, I guess. Dancing does feel good, you know.”
“Hm.” Cas was still observing Dean. Irritated by being stared at he clicked through some more music videos until he found a song he liked. Eventually Cas broke his silence.
“Will you do it again?” His voice implied curiosity and something else Dean couldn't quite put his finger on.
Bewildered he raised his eyebrows at Cas. When the other man didn't elaborate, he shook his head: “I probably will, yeah. But why do you ask? Tell me,” he insisted.
Cas turned his head towards the laptop as he answered. His voice was calm, but something still bubbled under the surface: “I guess I was just wondering what it would feel like. And I might have assumed if I could see you again, maybe I could try it on my own some day.”
“You want to dance?!” The words sounded harsher than he had meant them to. But in his mind, the words 'dancing' and 'Castiel', aka former angel of the lord who's muscle memory probably had forgotten how form a laugh, just didn't go together.
A quick flash of hurt rushed across the now human eyes and Dean immediately leaned forward. “Don't take this the wrong way, I was just... surprised. You usually aren't the type of person to just... let go and go with the flow, you know?”
“Yes, that is accurate. I was probably just curious.” Castiel nodded understanding and turned his focus back on the music video that was currently playing.
Dean regretted that he had sounded so harsh. Cas had lost his angelic numbness and was so eager to try new things, maybe he could enjoy some light dancing. He still couldn't imagine Cas rocking out in a disco, but why not give it a try?
When the song ended he determinedly picked out a specific song that he thought Cas might like – Hot Blooded by Foreigner. When the drums and the guitar started playing, he tapped Cas' shoulder. The former angel looked at him, and as Dean started shimmying his shoulders with the rhythm of the beat, Cas' eyes widened. Dean leaned forward a bit, mouthing the lyrics to the song and added a steady tapping with his foot. For a moment he closed his eyes, pretending he was on his own, and rocked his head. Eventually he imitated the drums and with his hands.
When the guitar solo started he opened his eyes and smiled warmly at Cas. He still sat stiff in his chair, staring at Dean. “Just move with the music, Cas. Can't do anything wrong, come on.”
Slowly Dean got to his feet and pushed his chair back. He began playing air guitar, and once the singing started again, he sang along quietly enough that it wasn't audible. Out of the corners of his eyes he noticed the former angel's finger gently tapping against the table in rhythm with the beat. From the air guitar Dean moved on to focusing on his feet, and he wondered when he had last danced wildly. The job didn't really come with a lot of opportunities to do so and with purgatory and all the other shit that recently went down, he haven't even had the idea.
The song ended and automatically the next one started. The moment he recognized the starting tunes of Eye of the Tiger he groaned and grinned at Cas: “Oh yes, come on. That's perfect!”
Because the former angel still just stared up to him he eventually grabbed his wrists and pulled him from his chair. Gently he pushed one of Cas' arms away from him while pulling the other one towards him and repeating that movement taking turns pushing and pulling the arms. It didn't take long for Cas to understand what Dean was doing and it became less Dean leading than them moving together. Smiling Dean acknowledged: “There you go!”
He lead Cas a few steps to the side, giving them more space to move, and he let go of the other man's hands. To the beat of the music he moved his feat and swung his arms, a small smile on his lips. Cas had fallen back on smaller movements, but like Dean had done before he played imaginary drums and tapped his food.
Eye of the Tiger ended and Dean was about to walk back over to the laptop, but when You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC started playing, he simply played his air guitar again. He looked over to Cas, who still played his drums, and Dean began nodding his head in time with the beat, holding eye contact. The former angel understood a few seconds later and actually joined in by nodding his own head. Dean came closer, dramatically gesturing in the air. He walked around Cas while pretending to sing along, and it actually earned him one of the former angels rare smiles. He stopped facing Cas and jumped with the beat, grinning when the other man mirrored his action. He grabbed his wrists and for the last few bars they jumped up and down together.
A warm smile on his face and slightly out of breath Dean fell back into his chair.
“Thank you,” Cas smiled.
Dean was about to tell him that he didn't have to thank him when the next song from Green Day worked its way into his ears:“I walk a lonely road,
The only one that I have ever known,
Don't know where it goes,
But it's home to me, and I walk alone.”Frozen in his movement he stared at the screen, the lyrics screaming through his head. An image of him in the Impala flashed in front of his eyes, the seat next to him empty. The painful thought of having to work a job without his brother by his side came to his mind. He remembered leaving Sam alone with Crowly the other day. And when Green Day started singing “I walk this empty street, on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams”, the first tear dropped from his face. Guilt choked him because he had just been dancing even though his brother was dead.
Gently a hand was placed on his shoulder, and Dean leaned onto the table and buried his face in his arms. His shoulders were shaking, but he could feel the thumb that was softly stroking them.
Cas didn't say anything and didn't move closer, and Dean didn't want him to. The former angel had been right, he didn't like having people near him, especially while he was vulnerable like right now. Briefly he considered locking himself into his room, but the unobtrusive presence of Cas was actually the only thing keeping him from screaming and having a full on breakdown.
Eventually, all tears were cried. It took him some more time until he wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt and sat up again, avoiding Cas' gaze.
The other man's voice was calm: “I would like to offer you a hug, if you consider it appropriate.”
Dean huffed a choked laugh. But when Cas hold out his arms, he did hug him back and gave him a pat on the back. It was a short hug and they barely touched, but in Dean's opinion there had already been enough emotions in the last minutes to last for the next two weeks. Still, he appreciated the gesture from Cas.
“Well,” he eventually stated, “I would say you should practice your dance skills some more before you go public.”
“Depends. I'm quite good at dancing Viennese waltz. Picked that up a couple of decades ago.”
Dean shook his head. “Cas, you're always good for a surprise.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Dean needed some time alone and Cas could understand. The human had gone to his room and stayed there, so Cas' thoughts began to wander. Out of curiosity he eventually stepped out of the bunker, being greeted by a warm and sunny day. As an angel Cas' hadn't bothered to regulate his body temperature and therefore never felt the weather affecting him. As he blinked into the sunlight he could feel his skin tingle where the rays warmed him. Slowly he took a few steps away from the bunker, walking towards the nearby trees. He guided his fingers about the rough bark and looked up at the treetop. The tree was huge and Cas suddenly felt very small and unimportant. His angelic true form had been enormous and with his being came the burden of being a servant of heaven. As much as he missed being an angel, he admitted to himself that being human had it's advantages. Even though he was limited by it – no longer able to fly or use his former powers – he actually felt free. There was no task, no duty he had to act on.He climbed the hill until he was in the patch of sunlight directly on top of the bunkers entrance and sat down, his feet dangling over the edge. Leaning backwards he closed his eyes and concentrated on feeling the rays of the sun on his skin. Unconsciously he drifted through his thoughts, some more pleasant then others. Maybe he even fell asleep for short periods of time, but he couldn't tell.Some time had went by when the door to the bunker opened squealing. Cas sat up and looked down to the man stepping into the sunlight.”Hello, Dean,” he called, saving Dean from having to look for him. The man's eyes were widened in surprise when he looked up to him, a shade of red in them from the tears. Cas could feel sadness pulling at his guts and he silently figured that empathy was probably the best thing about being human. Mimicking the gesture Dean had done the day before he patted the ground next to him in an invitation for the other man to join him.Dean was quick to climb the slope and let himself fall down next to the former angel, close enough that their knees touched when one of them moved.“I enjoy the way the sun warms my skin. Never felt that before.” Cas stated and leaned back again. He felt Dean's gaze resting on him. After a moment of silence Dean laid onto the ground and placed his hands under his head, taking in the sunlight with his eyes closed. The moment was peaceful, a soft breeze whispering through the trees. In the end a cloud slid in front of the sun, pulling Cas out of his thoughts. His eyes fell on Dean, his pale skin and his sunken in-eyes, and the small frown even though he seemed to be relaxed physically.“Dean?” Cas broke the silence and waited until the other man opened one eye to look up to him. The former angel cleared his throat.“I'm new to being human. But I know that you are in pain and I would like to help. Since I don't know how, please let me know if there is something I am able to do.”Dean closed his eye again and mumbled: “You don't have to do anything, Cas.”Cas' voice was stern and showed a hint of stubbornness as he replied: “I don't have to, but I would like to.”This time he got Dean's full attention and the other man groaned when he sat up. “Cas, what's wrong?”“Nothing.” Cas reassured him, but Dean only had to raise an eyebrow to tell him that he knew better.The former angel sighed and avoided making eye contact. “It's just... I can sense your pain, Dean. You asked me to be here, but there is nothing I can do for you. I can't ease this pain. I'm not an angel anymore,” Cas hesitated, “Essentially, I am useless. More than that, I don't know how to behave as a human and therefor am a burden to you.”“Cas. Castiel.” The former angel refused to look at Dean, shame making his cheeks redden and fear his hands shaking. Somewhere deep in his guts a voice told him that Dean might send him away, and even though he felt like he would deserve it, the thought frightened him. A touch ripped him out of his train of thoughts when Dean placed his fingers below his chin and forced him to look at the hunter's tired face.“You don't need to do anything, you hear me? You are making all of this better, just by being here. By just being yourself. And I'm only saying this once, so you better listen: I need you, Cas. Just like that, exactly like you are. So stop feeling useless, because you're not, understand?”It took Cas a while before he was able to move. Fearing he might have lost his voice he just nodded.“Good.” Stated Dean, his voice rough, and he got to his feat and made his way back into the bunker. Cas just sat outside, his mind trying to work out what Dean had said to him.***Dean stomped back into his room. He was angry with himself, even though he didn't understand why he felt like screaming. What he had said to Castiel, it was true and he had meant it. He needed the former angel, he felt better around all of his awkwardness and curiosity. Even when he had still been an angel Dean had liked him, but now that he was human something had changed. Maybe, Dean thought to himself, he had new hope. Hope that without his wings and without angelic tasks and wars he might not vanish at the first opportunity. At the moment Cas didn't seem to plan to leave soon, and maybe it was this foolish hope that he was so angry at. Or maybe it was the fact that he had lost his brother, and instead of hurting all the time he actually felt okay when Cas was around. Hell, he had even danced with him!He locked himself in his room and placed his pillow at the foot of the bed. He pounded his fist into the feathers and grunted, repeating the action. Boxing into the pillow he eventually screamed out in rage, glad he had chosen the pillow and not something like the wall to punch, because at this point his knuckles would have definitely been bleeding.Finally he let himself slide to the ground, his back resting against his bed. His breathing was labored and sweat was running down his face, collecting in his shirt. When his heart wasn't racing anymore and his anger had faded, he quickly went to shower. The cold water removed the last remaining hints of anger and he felt a shimmer of guilt for walking away from Cas like that. He didn't know if it helped or worsened when Cas called him into the kitchen and the (former) angel had actually prepared lunch for both of them.It took Dean a while to close his mouth again when he had reached the kitchen. Cas had prepared a sort of salad and some sandwiches like Dean had made them the first night they ate together. To be fair, it was probably the only thing Cas was even remotely confident enough to try on his own. Seeds spread over the kitchen island spoke of a fight with a bell pepper and the tomato looked more like it had been ripped apart than cut, but other than that it looked absolutely edible.It was only after his inspection of the lunch that Dean noticed the worry in the corners of the former angels big eyes. He hurried to reassure Cas: “This is awesome, Cas!”The small wrinkles from the other man's face faded and were replaced with relieve. They sat down and ate together, Cas allowed Dean to season the salad since he hadn't known how to do so, and it tasted good. Dean made sure to tell the former angel and was pleased to see the corners of his mouth twitch at the praise. After lunch, Cas reached for Dean's plate to clean them up. The hunter pulled his plate out of reach and explained: “Oh no, you've prepared the meal, so I will clean up.”Cas sat back against the wall and watched Dean in silence as he washed their dishes (and cleaned up his bell pepper mess). A crocked smile appeared on his lips and Dean could tell that for the first time since he had become human, Cas felt like he had accomplished something.
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The rest of the day went by uneventful. They watched a few more episodes of Friends, but this time they didn't fall asleep. In the night, they both were woken by their own nightmares and decided to get up early. Cas took a shower and put the same clothes on, since he still didn't own anything else. When he came into the kitchen and Dean saw him, he announced:“Okay man, we really need to get you some stuff.”So, after breakfast, they got into the Impala and drove to the closest clothing store. It wasn't very big, but Dean doubted that Cas minded having a small range of options. On the contrary, he seemed to be overwhelmed at the sight of the store alone.Cas stepped into the store with a certain reserve. As an angel, he had never owned anything. To be precise, not even the body he walked around in or his clothes had belonged to him. He had never cared and he still didn't long for possession. So when Dean told him he got to pick what he liked, it made him unsure of himself.Slowly he walked through the aisles of clothing and inspected the items. Dean followed him patiently and let him take his first look without interrupting. But it didn't take long until Cas had to admit that he had no idea what he was supposed to be doing. The process of acquiring new clothes had never been of interest to the angels, so he hadn't even watched it before. He glanced at the other customers in the store as he turned towards Dean and lowered his voice. Trying to hide his embarrassment he whispered: “What am I supposed to do now?”Dean smiled at him encouragingly: “If you see something you like, you try it on,” he gestured to the changing cubicles at the other side of the store, “and if it fits, you buy it.”Nodding Cas grabbed the the item that was closest to him. It was a light blue shirt with comic-style clouds drawn on them. “Like this?” He asked and Dean obviously had to suppress a laugh.“Do you like it?” He asked calmly and Cas looked at the shirt in his hands.Slightly desperate he mumbled: “I don't know...”Cas was glad that Dean took the hint. With a pat to the back he told the former angel: “Okay buddy, buck up. How about I get you some different things to try on and you can figure out what you like, just like we did with the music?”“I think that could be very helpful,” sighed Cas with relive.Dean chuckled and send him to wait at the changing cubicles. Most of them were empty since it was a morning on a workday, so when Dean returned with an arm full of clothes they didn't have to wait.The hunter had brought him mostly plain shirts in different colors. When Cas was done trying the things on he had been given, Dean went to get him new things. Cas liked most of the dark colors – dark blue, black, grays – and various shades of red. Dean told him that if he liked a t-shirt, they could just grab it in a couple of different colors. When they had found some t-shirts that Cas felt comfortable in, Dean brought him different options for pullovers and things to wear over them.When he stepped out of the cubicle wearing a flannel the other man had picked out, Dean stepped in front of him and tugged it into place with a pleased smile. Without having to look into the mirror Cas knew he would take it.What absolutely displeased him was the fleece Dean had given him to try on. He pulled it over his head and stepped out from behind the curtain, brushing his hand against the metal pole. His jaw dropped when he received a light electric shock and Dean couldn't stop laughing at his face of indignation. Cas was quick to throw the fleece at Dean and to tell him to get it as far away from him as possible.Apart from the flannel they picked up a few sweaters in different colors, some jeans in a dark blue and a washed out black and a pajama of his own. After collecting some underwear and socks Dean insisted on also getting Cas a new outdoor jacket along with all his new clothes – and Cas decided to just go with it. They settled on a simple long, black coat, since Cas had disliked the leather jacked Dean had suggested.They stored their purchases in the Impala and visited a nearby supermarket, because Dean stated they needed to stock up on groceries (Cas wasn't able to tell). Dean was the one to collect most of the things they were going to need. Cas showed interest in some things (something about a pineapple really seemed to fascinate him) and Dean was happy to add them to their shopping. But about halfway through the shop Dean noticed that he somehow had lost Castiel. Since Dean was certain that Cas would not get lost inside a simple supermarket (he had been an angel of the lord, even though with him being new at being human he sometimes made the impression of being helpless), so Dean just finished his shopping on his own. When he had everything he wanted he was looking through the aisles for the former angel and found him in front of the magazines and books. It wasn't a huge section, but they did sell some bestsellers, children books and so on.Dean snuck up on Cas (even though he looked so focused he probably wouldn't have noticed him if he had stomped) and bend down to catch a glimpse at the title of the book the new human was reading. He couldn't hold back a smile when he read “Bees – From Anatomy to Zootechnics”. Even though he wasn't an angel any more, he was still... Well, he was still Cas.The former angel looked up to him and Dean spoke before Cas had the chance to think he was laughed at: “Wanna take it with you? Could make a bookshelf out of the board over the bed in your room.”Cas' eyes widened and he opened and closed his mouth. Dean pulled his eyebrows together:“What?”It still took Cas a moment before he croaked out two words: “Your room?”Dean stared at him for a second. Stating the obvious he replied: “Yes. Of course it's your room, if you want it to be. What where you thinking?”The other man looked away and shrugged his shoulders, and Dean simply grabbed the book from him and walked over to the registers. But he couldn't ignore that the faint red that had appeared on Cas' cheeks in combination with the hint of a smile on his lips had made him feel warm on the inside.***Dean's phone had rung twice on their drive back to the bunker, but it had been in the trunk with the hunter's jacket. The next time it was Cas' phone that announced itself.“It's Charlie,” Cas explained and put his phone on speaker. “Hello, Charlie,” he greeted and Dean called “Hello!” from the drivers seat.In her usual rushed way Charlie's voice bubbled from the speaker: “Hey you two! Thought I'd never get through to you.”“My phone's in the trunk, would have called you back if you had been patient for another three minutes!” Protested Dean, but Charlie ignored him.“Dean told me what happened to you, Cas,” she spilled, “I'm really sorry.”“I'm okay,” Cas reassured her, “Is there something on your mind?”Charlie's voice became more formal: “Actually, yes. I need to talk to you guys. I'm kind of in the area, would you mind if I come by for a visit tomorrow?”Dean was quick to answer: “Not at all. You're always welcome.”The smile on Charlie's face was audible in her voice: “Thanks guys. See you-”Cas interrupted her before she could hang up: “Is there something we should prepare for?”“No,” the woman warbled, “I'll bring everything with me. See you tomorrow!”When Cas was replying, Charlie had already hung up.“I do wonder what she is interested in consulting with us about,” he mumbled when he put his phone into his pocket. Dean parked the Impala and shrugged his shoulders.“It's Charlie. Either it's about the next comic con or she has found a hint on a dawning apocalypse. You never know.”“It isn't going to be the apocalypse, we have stopped that.” Castiel reminded him seriously.Dean sighed but huffed: “I meant it as a metaphor, man.”“Oh. Apologies,” the former angel stated, but Dean looked at him with a soft gaze.“How about I unpack our groceries and you put your stuff into your room?”***When everything was stored away Dean went to check on Cas. He found his bedroom door open and Cas sitting on the middle of his bed, staring at the single book he had put in the middle of the board over the bed.Dean leaned at the door frame and knocked. “Still pretty empty, huh?”“I love it,” whispered Cas, and he took a deep breath before he turned around to face Dean.“I've never owned anything before. Never had a room anywhere.” Cas swallowed. “I mean, it is your room and you paid for the book so it is yours-”Dean interrupted the babbling and walked over to Cas, sitting down on the edge of the bed.“I want to clear something up,” he began and Cas nodded an 'okay'.“The book is yours. It's bought with family money, and you are family. So it is yours, too.” Cas stared at him with wide eyes, his head tilted just a little bit. “Same with this room.”Dean took a deep breath, silently convincing himself to say what was on his mind. “I know you're not the one to stay around for long periods of time, that you have things to do – or at least you had. I don't know what you're planing to do, but,” he sighed and spit the words out before he would change his mind about saying it out loud, “I want to say, I like having you around. So this room is officially yours, if you want it. It would be nice if you stay.”His heart pounded and Cas still hadn't moved. He was about to get up and leave when Cas suddenly hugged him and whispered the choked words “I want to stay”.Dean hid his smile by hugging him a moment longer.
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Charlie arrived late in the morning on the next day and was greeted with a cup of coffee from Cas (it was one of the first things Dean had taught him to do, and since then Cas supplied everyone who wanted one (up to this point only Dean) with coffee). They made themselves comfortable in the library and chatted for a while, enjoying each others company. It was only when Charlie pulled out her laptop that they turned serious.“So,” Charlie explained in a rush, “some time ago I set up an algorithm that informs me when there are omens of possible ghost activities combining in an area. Basically it analyses the weather information, certain key words in articles and the presence of some chemicals in-”Dean interrupted her: “We know you are a genius. Just skip past the complicated stuff, okay?”With a huge grin on her face the woman nodded: “Sure. What I wanted to talk to you about is the fact that in the last few days, the ghost activities have skyrocketed. Normally I would get notified every couple of days of omens that actually showed that a ghost had apprehended somewhere. Now most recently those numbers have multiplied and haven't stopped since.”She turned her laptop around to Cas and Dean, the screen showing a map of the US with digital red pins all over the map. “I've checked, the program isn't faulty. Ghost activities are going crazy ever since... Well, you know...” With an apologetic look she gestured towards the sky.Cas had narrowed his eyes and stared at the map: “What are you trying to tell us, Charlie?”Charlie tapped a few buttons on the keyboard and a new image showed up. On the map with the red pins blue ones had been added – most of the time a blue one pointed exactly where a red one did, too. “I was quite confused what was going on, so I did some research. Turns out, nearly every place that showed signs of ghost activities, there has been a death in the last couple of days.”Dean looked at her: “So you're saying that suddenly all the people that are dying become ghosts?”Charlie didn't answer his question right away. Eventually she explained: “I'm not sure yet, but I figured I had to ask...” She turned to face Cas: “Do you think it is possible... Is it possible that heaven isn't just closed for angels, but for humans, too?”Cas tilted his head. “Oh,” was the only thing he could reply at the beginning. After thinking about it, he stated: “I haven't thought about it this way, but I guess it would be a logical conclusion. If heaven wasn't open to take in the souls of the people dying, they would stay around on earth. Possibly in the form of ghosts.”“So at the moment, everyone who dies and should go to heaven is stuck here.” Charlie concluded.“Hence the increased numbers of ghostly activities,” Cas added.“Well, how can we fix this?” Asked the woman and looked at the two men.Dean, who had fell silent and stared at the wall across the room, turned to Cas and spoke in a choked voice: “What if Sammy's still around?”Nobody spoke for a couple of moments. It was Charlie who eventually whispered cautiously: “Well... It might possible... If he... If he died after the angels fell?”Dean looked desperate when his eyes moved across the tabletop without actually focusing while trying to think. “I... I didn't pay attention... I don't know what happened first.”Calmly Cas placed a hand on his shoulder: “If he's still around, we will figure it out, okay?”Dean nodded. Then, without a warning, he jumped to his feet and ran out of the room. Charlie and Cas looked at each other in confusion before they got up to follow him. They bumped into Dean in the corridors in front of the bedrooms, he held his EMF meter in his hands and waved it around. It didn't light up. The three of them walked all the way through the bunker, but there wasn't a trace of EMF around.“Maybe he's clinging onto something else, something that's not in the bunker,” Dean muttered, his jaw clenched, when they had no place left to check.Cas pressed his lips together, and Charlie didn't commentate it, either.“If he is still around,” Dean asked no one in particular, “is there a way to bring him back? You know, with a body?”Finally Dean let the EMF meter sink onto the table in the war room. He didn't look at the other two.“Well,” Cas cleared his throat, “It would... it would require something very powerful... To create a body out of nothing. Since his is, you know...”Cas didn't finish his thought, but Dean nodded anyway. “So, research, then.” The hunter stated and made his way into the library. The other two followed him and Charlie gently tried: “Dean, you... I mean... You can't even tell if he... if he's still around, you know?”Dean turned towards her, his gaze stern and serious. “If there is any chance... Any chance at all that he is still here. Then I have to get him. I owe him that much. I... I...” His voice broke and he had to look away.Without saying a word Cas walked to his side, picked up a book about ghost related spells and began reading. Dean and Charlie soon joined him.***“I'm a bit rusty on reading Egyptian hieroglyphs,” stated Cas some hours into their research, “but I think this might relate to our problem.” Dean and Charlie looked up from their books, Charlie chewing on a strand of her red hair.“Translated this chapter is revolving around 'Returning those who's physics are gone' and the following pages explain creating a body. It looks kind of complicated, though.”Dean had got to his feet and walked over to Cas, looking over his shoulder. But from his squinted eyes it was pretty obvious that he didn't understand anything he was seeing (not that anyone could blame him. Egyptian wasn't a common subject in school, and even if it had been, he'd probably missed most of it).“Can you translate it?” Inquired Dean, grabbing a pencil and some paper to give to Cas. The other man nodded stiffly, apparently lost in his thoughts.“This might take some time though, as it isn't very straight forward,” he warned the others.“So...” Charlie stressed the o more than needed, looking innocently at the two men, “Um... If you don't need me... like now... I can stay here though...”“Spill it,” Dean ordered her.“It's just... I have a date tonight.” Charlie's face darkened at least three shades of red and the corner of her mouth lifted upwards unintentionally.Laughing Dean bumped his fist into her shoulder and shoved her out of her chair: “You go get her, sister. We'll keep you posted.”“Are you sure?” The redheaded asked and threw Cas a glance.Dean nudged him and he looked up from his papers, on which he had already started his translation. “Oh,” he commented, looking surprised that his opinion was asked, “Absolutely. We will inform you if your assistance is required.”“Thanks, you walking dictionary,” teased Charlie, but Cas just tilted his head in a short moment of confusion before he focused back on the book in front of him.Dean hugged Charlie and took her to the door.***It took Cas another few hours before he announced that he had translated most of the important parts. By that time Dean had cleaned the bunker from top to bottom out of impatience. He fell into a chair opposite of Cas with a deep sigh of relief and looked at the other man expectantly. But Cas kind of clung to the papers and hesitated.“Dean,” he carefully began, “You know... you know that this kind of powerful magic... that it comes with a price, right?””Sure,” the other man nodded, “what's the price?”“It doesn't say,” Cas admitted, his eyebrows pulled together and the corners of his lips pulled downwards.“I don't care, I have to do this,” insisted Dean, reaching over for the papers in Cas' hands. But the former angel held them out of reach, looking at Dean with outright desperation written all over his face. “You don't understand!” He exclaimed and Dean sat back in surprise, not certain how to react to the sudden outburst from the former angel.With a heavy thud Cas placed his elbows on the tabletop, hiding his face in his hands. “You don't understand,” he repeated, but this time it was muffled by the hands in front of his mouth.With a worried frown Dean reached over the table to gently pull on one of the hands covering Cas' face. “Hey, talk to me,” he encouraged, “What are you talking about?”When Cas lowered his hands Deans mouth formed a silent 'o' as the other man looked at him out of watery eyes.“Dean,” he lamented, his forehead covert in deep furrows, “I... I'm scared...” When he paused, Dean nodded reassuringly.“I'm scared to loose you to this,” Cas finally admitted. While Dean sat in his chair dumbstruck, Cas mumbled “I can't loose you again.”It took Dean a couple of seconds before he was moving again, but after that he stepped around the table and pulled a chair near Cas'. He leaned forwards and rested his lower arms on his thighs, looking up to Cas.“Cas,” he began not able to look the former angel in the eyes, “I get it. I really do. I... I couldn't bear to loose you again, either.” He had to swallow hard. “But this is my brother,” Dean added quietly, “I have to do this.”“I know,” answered Cas, his voice not much more than a whisper. Sadness was gleaming in his eyes when he held out the papers to Dean. But before he took them, Dean looked the former angel into the eyes: “When Sam is back, we'll talk, okay? Like, really talk, about feelings and all that shit. If you want to.”Cas was only able to nod. Gently Dean took the papers from his hand, but when he heard the other man sadly whisper “If you're still around then,” he turned back around.Dean crouched down in front of Cas, steadying himself by placing a hand on his knee. Trying to put as much weight into his words as he could he pledged: “I promise that you aren't going to loose me.”The former angel huffed, but there was no amusement behind it. “You can't promise that,” he stated, “there is no way for you to influence the outcome of the spell.”“I'll still try,” Dean smiled apologetically and went to read through Cas' translation.***The spell basically asked them to build a Sam-puppet out of things that represented him. They had moved all of the tables in the library to the sides, creating a big empty space in the middle. While Dean worked his way through the bunker gathering things to build his brother Cas drew the sigils on the ground, masterly guiding the dripping brush across the wooden floor. They formed a circle around the items that Dean had already brought into the library: Sam's favorite pen that had his name engraved representing his 'right hand', a whole lettuce to show his 'stomach's favorites', one of his running shoes to function as his 'movements way of behavior'. Some of the things were easy to think of, others left Dean confused. It took him a while, for example, until he decided what could work for Sam's 'darkest desire'. In the end he rummaged through the men of letters storage for a small vial of daemon's blood.The book had explained that only those who knew the person by heart could bring them back. It went further to reassure him that the items didn't have to be perfect, but as a whole they needed to point out the exact person they wanted back. When Dean was finished with the 36 things the books had told them they needed, he was quite pleased. Cas had helped him to assemble them into a form that kind of looked like a person (at least it was something that had a head and four limbs).But now they were facing the last item that Dean had ignored up to this point, because he still didn't know what it was:“The heart is to be represented by the item holding the lost to the veil between earth, heaven and hell.”“What could it be...” He muttered over and over again, staring at the empty wall. Cas sat on the ground, facing the circle, deep in his thoughts.“Did he have something with him at the church?” Asked Cas in a low voice.“No...” Dean answered him pensive, “Next thing was the Impala outside, and I brought his duffle bag inside with me a few days ago. Would have shown up on the EMF if it had been anything in there.”“Hm,” was all Cas added before some more minutes went by with them sitting in silence.“What about the weapons in the trunk?” Dean almost jumped when Cas spoke again, his thoughts had lead him into memories of Sam and him as children. “Is there one that Sam is emotionally attached to?”“Don't think so,” Dean mumbled and shook his head, “And there aren't much more things in the car. His phone was around I guess, but since we change them so often I don't think he would be too emotional about it.”“Nothing that played an important role in his life? Something to bring him back around some time?” Cas inquired, seemingly out of other ideas.Dean mentally looked through the interior of the car, the black seats, the glove compartment with his dad's journal and one of their phones, the wooden amulet dangling from the rear view mirror, the initials they had carved into--When he jumped to his feet his chair fell backwards and hit the ground, having Cas jump and gasp. Dean didn't notice though, he was nearly screaming: “I know what it is!”He repeated his word, already on his way to the door. “I know it now, Cas!”“What?” The former angel called after him, his hand clenched into his shirt after the fright.Dean turned around, a huge smile on his face. “It's the solider. The toy one in the door handle!”“What?” It was Cas' turn to repeat himself.Dean turned around again, on of his feet already on the first step of the staircase. “He mentioned it when he talked about the day he trapped Lucifer in the cage. He's emotionally attached to it. Wait there, I'll get it!”While Cas was still sat on the floor, Dean took two steps at a time.But as they were so close to bringing Sam back, something had to go wrong. Cas was only able to call out Dean's name when his foot missed the step and he lost his balance. Dean's head was rushing towards one of the metal stairs, and his hands were to slow to break his fall. With an alarmingly loud and dull sound, his forehead hit the edge of the step. And then, there was darkness.
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Dean felt a hand in his own. It was big and rough, but gentle. He tried to open his eyes, but the light was to bright and he had to close them again, a moan escaping his throat.“Dean.” The voice was dripping with relive, but it wasn't the one he had expected. Instantly his eyes flung open, no longer caring about the light that send pain through his head.“Sam!” It was a cry of surprise, of happiness and pain at the same time, guilt and relive.With warm, soft eyes the other man looked at him, a gentle smile on his lips. “Yeah,” he said quietly, “Yeah, it's me.”Quickly Dean tried to sit up, but suddenly the room shifted and the hand supporting his weight buckled and he fell back into his pillow.“Easy there,” Sam comforted him, holding him back with a hand on his shoulder, “You hit your head pretty hard, at least that's what I've been told.”“What happened?” Asked Dean, his eyes flinging over his brother, checking for things that weren't like they should be, but apart from tried eyes and pale skin, he looked okay.“I think you fell down the stairs,” replied Sam, but Dean groaned, propping himself up against the headboard.“I mean you, you dumbass.”The giggle from Sam's mouth was warm, and Dean noticed how it made him feel better at an instant. It had only been a couple of days that Sam had been dead, but he had missed him a lot.“Cas said the spell you two picked out worked well. Apart from singeing the floor in the library at least. Apparently he finished it after he had cared for you as much as he could.”Dean's eyes flew across the room when Sam mentioned the former angel. “Where is he?” He worried and tried to get up again, only for his brother pushing him back.“Cas's fine. He was with you the first couple of hours while I got some sleep, and then we switched. He's in his bedroom.” Sam smiled at him with his eyes big, the look on his face confirming that it was fine, that it had worked. That they were okay, back together.“How long was I out?” Dean managed to mutter, looking towards his nightstand for his phone.“Rest of the day,” Sam explained, shrugging his shoulders, “It's around eleven pm now.”“Oh,” Was all Dean could answer. Silence settled between them. When Sam spoke again, his voice was quiet and more serious. “Thank you. You know, for getting me back.”“Always.” Dean sighed, and after a couple of seconds he added, “Were you stuck? Like, not able to go to heaven?”His brother nodded. “Caught in the veil, but not always conscious. Always around the Impala when I was here, though. With the toy solider. Kudos for figuring that out, by the way.”Dean smiled at him. He took a deep breath, relieve flooding his body when he released it. His brother was back. He was back and he was fine.“Do you mind if I get some more sleep, now that you're up? I'm exhausted, to be honest.” Dean noticed the fatigue in Sam's voice and how slowly he blinked, as if it was hard for him to keep his eyes open. He was quick to shake his head.“Not at all, go ahead.” Sighing Sam got to his feet.“Thanks,” he said again, and before he walked through the door, “I owe you, Dean.”“No,” stated the other man firmly, “I'm just glad you're back.”With a smile Sam left his room.***Dean waited twenty minutes until he was certain Sam was in his room and asleep. His head hurt and his eyelids felt heavy, but he couldn't go back to sleep, not yet. When he placed his feet on the ground the room spun again, but not as bad as it had before. Slowly he got up, a hand on the wall for additional support, the other one pressed against his head to ease the hammering pain when he moved.When he stood in front of the door of the room next to his, he hesitated. His heart was slamming against his ribs, fear nagging on his thoughts.'I can't loose you again'Cas' voice breathed through his mind and determined he slipped through the door.“Cas?” he whispered into the darkness, steadying himself against the wall. He could hear movement from the direction of the bed and a muffled “hm?”“It's me,” he announced quietly.“Dean?” Cas' voice was sleepy, and then Dean could hear bed sheets moving before a dim light switched on next to his bed. The former angel sat in his bed, wearing his new pajamas, his hair messed up in a way that made Dean's heart miss a beat.“Hey, what are you doing up?” Cas got to his feet and guided Dean to his bed. “I pretty certain you have a concussion, you should lay down.” With a gentle push to his chest he made Dean lay down on his bed.“I promised you we'd talk,” answered Dean, distracted by the warmth radiating from the mattress Cas had been laying on seconds ago.Cas raised an eyebrow: “And this couldn't wait until tomorrow?”Dean shook his head slightly, to avoid the pain in his head to erupt again. “Thank you for getting Sam back,” he said while sitting up against the headboard. Cas wanted to keep him in bed by placing his hand on his chest again, but Dean pushed it away, getting himself on eye level with the former angel.“No need to thank me, Dean. I am glad to have him back, too,” stated Cas seriously. He looked at Dean and frowned, as if he was concerned the other man might fall to the side any second.For a couple of seconds neither of them spoke. Cas looked confused at the situation while Dean's heart raced and he tried to figure out how to start the conversation he wanted to have.Finally he asked: “What are you plans? Now that you are human, I mean?”Cas eyed him skeptically, as if he was uncertain how much damage his head had gotten when it had hit the stairs. “I don't know yet. I haven't really thought about it,” he admitted.“You like it here?” Inquired Dean.“I do,” agreed Cas simply.“And you would like to stay?” Dean asked further.“As long as you are okay with having me around, yes.” A hint of uncertainty had worked its way into Cas' eyes, showing that he wasn't sure where Dean was going with the conversation. It eased when Dean spoke again.“That would be forever.”One of Cas' rare smiles appeared on his lips (making Dean's heart stutter) and his voice was warm when he replied. “Thank you, Dean. I appreciate it.”“No,” Dean shook his head and sighed, “Damn it, I'm really bad at this.”“At what?” Cas questioned and tilted his head.“Come here.” Dean patted the mattress in front of him and crossed his legs, making space for the former angel to sit with him. Cas did as he was asked to and they sat opposite of each other.“Okay,” the hunter took a deep breath, “The last few days made me realize something, but I was too concentrated on having lost Sam. But now that he is back, it is screaming in my head, so no, this couldn't wait until tomorrow.” Cas just nodded, but his gaze was soft. Dean had to swallow before he was able to continue.“I like having you around, Cas.” He stated and looked the former angel into the eyes.“I know,” answered Cas, “You told me. I like it, too.”“No,” Dean barely waited for him to finish talking, “I mean I really like it. Being close to you and stuff.”Cas' eyes widened slightly and Dean's cheeks burned when something seemed to click in the former angels head.“Physically close?” Cas' voice was as calm and collected as ever when Dean felt like his was short from breaking.“Yes,” he responded and his breath hitched when Cas shifted one of his hands from his leg to Dean's knee. The hunter's skin tingled under the touch and he paused for a second before he added, “And emotionally.”At this Cas' gaze looked with his, both of them loosing themselves in the eyes of one another. “I enjoy it, too,” whispered Cas, and this time his voice sounded less calm and slightly shaking, and it made Dean bite his tongue.“I'd like to bee closer,” Dean confessed, and he could watch as the other man's cheeks slowly turned more red. The former angel just nodded. Gently Dean took the hand that had still been resting on his knee. Cas made their fingers intertwine, and it felt so different from Sam's hand earlier. Cas' hand was smaller, softer, and most importantly, it send lighting through Dean's body where their skin touched.“Would you like to...” Cas hesitated, but Dean smiled at him encouragingly, “Like, stay with me for the night? Sleep here?” The former angel's cheeks turned a shade darker.“Very much,” answered Dean and moved to his side, making room next to him.After some fidgeting with their bodies, the pillows and the blanket, they lay in bed side by side, their hands still together under the covers. There wasn't more contact, but they didn't mind.Dean closed his eyes with a smile on his face. It had been an definitely awkward talk, not big on the words they had used or on emotions. But it kind of fitted the emotionally scared hunter and the former angel that has only been human for a couple of days.It didn't take him long to drift into a deep and calm sleep.***Sam woke up some hours later. As the responsible little brother he was he went to check on Dean, slightly panicking when he found his bed empty. He knocked on the nearest bathroom door and looked in the kitchen for any signs of midnight snacking. When he still didn't find any sign of Dean he went to wake Cas. He knocked on the door, but didn't get an answer. Carefully he opened the door and peeked inside, the light from the corridor illuminating enough of the room to see. Sam quickly realized that there was no reason to wake Cas. The former angel laid on his brother's arm, Cas' hand placed on his chest. At the sight a warm smile spread across Sam's face and he closed the door without making a sound.Looked like he had missed a lot the days he had been dead.
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Cas was the first one to wake up in the morning - after a full night without a single nightmare, he realized. He felt the shape of another human next to him - his face next to a chest that calmly rose and sunk with each breath. Beneath his arm he could feel a soft and warm tummy. Cas couldn't imagine a better way to wake up in the morning. They hadn't cuddled up the night before, but since Dean had said he was fine with being closer, Cas assumed it was okay. He took a deep breath and inhaled Dean's scent. It reminded him of the woods and the taste of the chocolate bar Dean had given him to try - sweet and heavy, irresistible. Slowly he pulled his hand back until it rested on Dean's chest. Under his fingers he could feel the form of Dean's muscles and the soft movement of his breathing. Warmth was spreading from the other man's skin into his hand and all the way through his body, making his guts clench - in the good way. Lazily he let his index finger wander, just inches, but enough to feel even more of his hunter.His hunter. That's the way he understood the words that Dean had uttered yesterday, and he hoped that's what they meant. If he got to spend more nights with Dean by his side, he was more than happy. At the thought his heart seemed determined to jump out of his chest and Cas bit his lip.***The first thing Dean felt in the morning was how badly his head hurt. He scrunched his face at the sensation. The second thing was small circles being drawn on his chest. The wrinkles on his face were immediately replaced by a big smile. Blinking he mumbled “Morning Cas.”Cas' voice was calm but somehow softer than normally when he responded “Good morning, Dean.”The hunter looked down at the former angel and he felt his heart skip a beat at the view of the brown, tangled hair next to his upper body. Hoping Cas couldn't feel how his heart went crazy, since his hand was close to it, he said yawning: “Looks like we decided to get closer tonight.”“Do you mind?” Cas looked up to him and his blue eyes rendered Dean speechless for a second. A grin formed on the hunter's face when he explained: “No, I like it.” Cas' lips pulled upwards and Dean felt a sudden and strong urge to press his mouth to them. Instead he lifted his hand and gently ran it through Cas' hair, feeling the tip of his ears redden when Cas leaned into the touch. Dean could have stayed like this forever, soft touches and calm silence between them, but when his stomach rumbled he huffed: “Guess we have to get up eventually.”The sigh from the former angel made his stomach flip with excitement, but sadly that wasn't helping his hunger. Cas was the first one to sit up and stretch with a yawn. Dean couldn't help but stare when the shirt skidded up and exposed his hipbone. He swallowed and blushed when he found a smug smile all over Cas' face, telling him that the other man had noticed his gaze.“Shut up,” he muttered and got to his feet, hiding his face by turning around.“I didn't say anything, Dean,” stated the former angel, but Dean could hear in his voice that he was well aware why Dean was embarrassed.“But you were thinking,” protested Dean, to which Cas huffed.“I can't really stop that, Dean. And maybe I liked my point of view, too.”Dean turned around and raised an eyebrow.“What?”“Nothing,” responded Dean, “I guess I just didn't expect that from you. ”“Well,” the smug smile was back on Cas' face, “I'm human, remember. And maybe good for a surprise or two.”Dean blushed even more. “When did you get good at reading between the lines?”“I'm learning from the best, Dean,” Cas stated. Speechless Dean shook his head and muttered something about showering before he left the room.***Cas had showered the day before and therefore went straight to the kitchen - at least directly after brushing his teeth and sorting out his hair. At the kitchen table sat Sam, who had showered and was already dressed. Cas made a mental note to himself that he apparently wasn't a morning person in comparison to Sam. The other man greeted him with a big smile and a teasing “Well look who made it out of bed, sleepy head. Want some breakfast?”The former angel nodded and made his way through the kitchen. “There's some cut up fruit left in the fridge, if you want some,” commented the hunter, who was hunched over his laptop.“Thanks Sam, that is very nice of you.” Delighted that he didn't have to make any more ingredients Cas collected milk and cereals.“You're welcome. I usually leave some for Dean if I'm the first to be up, I can do that for you, too.” His voice was genuinely friendly, but Cas froze at his words. Quickly he filled two bowls and sat across from the hunter, hesitating.“Sam,” Cas eventually began, his voice cautious and serious. Still smiling the addressed looked up from his laptop. “While you were... while you were gone, Dean said it would be okay if I stayed in the bunker. Since you are back now, I figured that it would be appropriate to ask your opinion on the matter.” Sam opened his mouth to answer, but Cas held up his hand, frowning. “And I want you to know that I can understand if you want to be on your own with your brother.”Sam shook his head and his voice was soft, as if he was speaking to a child: “Cas, you are more than welcome here. You're family and I'm happy if you want to stay around.” The expression on the former angels face had softened and he was about to reply when Dean walked through the archway, his hair still wet from his shower.“I'm certain Cas will stay around, or do you have new plans?” Dean's voice was teasing, but he couldn't hide the shimmer of concern in his eyes. Cas was quick to shake his head and adding: “No! I just wanted to check if Sam was okay with it. Breakfast is on the kitchen island,” he explained when Dean walked towards the fridge. Dean made an appreciative hum and sat down next to Cas. For a moment they ate in silence, until Dean couldn't ignore Sam's overly pleased smile anymore. He let the spoon fall into his bowl of cereal.“It has been less than 24 hours, how, for the love of..., I mean, how could you possible know already?!”Sam's smile got even bigger (how was that even possible) and Cas looked at Dean with a confused frown.“Wanted to check on you yesterday but wasn't able to find you. So I went to wake up Cas and...” He grinned at the two men in front of him, “I'm happy for you two.”“Oh shut up,” commented Dean for the second time that day, suddenly very interested in his cereal.“No way”, grinned Sam, “Since I was the one who had to die for you to finally figure it out, I will most definitely enjoy this a lot.”“This had nothing to do with your death!” Dean protested seriously. Sam only raised his eyebrows, making one of his knowing bitchfaces.Dean grumbled something inaudible. Cas, who's face had turned so red in the last couple of minutes one might think it was about to explode, spoke while looking at Sam: “I don't understand... You're okay with this?”“Cas, I'm fucking delighted. Why wouldn't I be?” Sam's smile became less of a grin and more gentle again.Cas avoided eye contact with both men. “I thought you wanted somebody else for your brother. Somebody... Female, like,” he whispered but Dean still flinched, “Lisa or somebody.”The grin had vanished from Sam's face. “Sometimes I wonder if you think even less of yourself than Dean does of him, and that's saying something.” He closed his laptop and leaned forward, “Cas, I want Dean to be with someone he can be happy with, and you are absolutely perfect for that. I couldn't care less that you are an ex angel without a gender and as old as... I don't know, everything. If this works for you two, I'll go with it.”It was Dean who spoke first after the silence that hat settled between them. His voice was shaky, even though he tried to hide it: “Thanks, Sammy.”“Yes,” Cas added, “Thank you.”“Nah,” Sam grinned again, “Just means Dean has to shut up about Ruby now.”Cas' eyes widened. “You can't compare me to a daemon!”“Just a joke Cas,” Sam reassured him, but Dean agreed.“You're right, Cas. There is no comparison at all.”***After breakfast Sam and Cas decided than Dean should go back to bed and rest his head. Dean muttered something about them ganging up on him, but actually looked okay with it when he made his way back to the bedroom. The other two settled in the library, trying to figure out a solution to all the souls stuck on earth. Sam also spend a lot of time on questioning Cas about him being human, until he could see him became uncomfortable. “Scientific curiosity,” he explained.Dean was asleep when Cas went to check if he would join them for lunch, so Sam and he cooked some soup on their own - Cas had become actually decent with a kitchen knife. Although he said he found the soup pleasant, he made Sam burst out laughing when he stated it was a bit to 'squishy' for his liking.Around 3 pm a sleepy and slightly grumpy Dean joined them in the library, complaining that that he was missing all the fun. Sam brought him a painkiller for his head before he allowed the other man to stay with them. Dean still wasn't too upset about the fact that Sam and Cas wouldn't let him research with them and instead sat and listened to music in their company. Their research didn't bring up any results that day – strangely enough their problem seemed to be unique. In the early evening Dean insisted they would call it a day and do something together.Soon they found themselves in front of the TV with their dinner plates in their laps. It was difficult to find something to watch that all three of them enjoyed equally, so they compromised on a show that was only mildly interesting to them. But that day, it didn't matter. What mattered was the fact that it was the three of them, together and healthy (apart from a missing grace). It felt like a regular evening at home – something they had experienced hardly ever. There were no monsters to hunt, no emergencies to be dealt with, and none of them were possessed or under another evil influence.Dean couldn't have felt more at home, he thought. He was proven wrong when he felt warm fingers softly tugging at one of his crossed arms. Butterflies in his stomach he took Cas' hands and they rested them in the small space between their legs.Home and his family. In Dean's opinion, this was perfection.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Later that evening Sam announced he would go to sleep. Cas had to yawn and even Dean, who had spend the majority of the day asleep, had to admit he was tired. They wished each other good night and disappeared into the different bathrooms (one of the things Dean loved about the bunker – no need to discuss who got to shower first. They could all shower at the same time if they felt like it).
Cas had gotten ready for bed and sat in his room, the book on bees in his lap. He had tried to read in it, but failed to concentrate. Dean was still in the shower (the second time that day, Dean had informed him that he felt unclean after spending the whole day in his sleepwear), but Cas didn't want to go to sleep. Somehow the thought of being alone in his bed made him uncomfortable. He wasn't sure how he could ask Dean if they would spend the night together – was that something that you just asked? Or was he supposed to know that they would sleep in the same bed, because they did so yesterday? Maybe Dean didn't even want to spend the night with him, and it was a one time thing?
Human protocol was still confusing for him. He wondered if that was something every human experienced or if normal humans – the ones that hadn't been an angel before – knew instinctively. Cas knew that sharing a bed was something romantically involved humans did a lot, but for the majority of the time he had observed them it involved getting married to do so. He was aware that it had changed in the last years, but he wasn't certain to what degree.
Before Cas could panic completely over the thought what the relationship between him and Dean at the moment was to be defined as, a gently knock on his door interrupted his train of thoughts.
“Hey,” Dean's head poked through the small opening. His damp hair was sticking up in every direction and the smell of his shampoo filled the air. “When you're done reading, maybe you want to come over for the night.” The smile on Dean's face was warm and sincere, and Cas couldn't help himself but return it. Before he could answer Dean gently closed the door and the sound of footsteps was audible, then the door of the room next to him opening and closing.
Cas took a deep breath. Of course it was that simple, of course all he had to do was ask. Even if Cas broke social protocol – and he knew that happened a lot – Dean understood. There was no need to panic, because Dean knew him. He had been very accepting over the last days, been very patient with Cas' struggle to adapt to being human. Certainly he would understand that Cas was new to being close to someone, too, wouldn't he? The former angel swallowed and placed his book back to it's place over the bed. Barefooted he tapped though the dark hallway, but hesitated again in front of the door. Was he supposed to knock? Or say something to announce himself? To just open the door?
Before he could decide what to do, Dean's voice came muffled through the door: “Don't be shy Cas, come on in.”
Relief flooding through his veins he quickly slipped inside the room. Dean sat cross legged on his bed, his phone in his hand, but he quickly placed it on his nightstand.
“I apologize-” Before Cas was able to finish Dean already shushed him.
“Just come over here, would you?” Dean made room in his bed laying down and lifted the covers for Cas. The former angel wasted no time and climbed in on Dean's left sight, and the other man dropped the covers over them. They were warm from Dean and the smell of his shampoo – now more intense than in his room before – made his heart beat faster. They laid facing each other.
“How is your head?” asked Cas and looked at Dean's forehead. The other man pulled a face.
“I can still feel it, but it's getting better.”
“I am glad to hear that.” Cas lost himself in the green eyes of the man in front of him. Not that they hadn't spend a lot of time staring at each other, but they rarely were so close. The pattern in Dean's iris fascinated Cas, and so did the slight change of color from the pupils outwards.
“How are you?” Dean returned the question, and almost automatically Cas replied with “I'm fine, thank you.”
Dean huffed. “Sometimes I think I have a bad influence on you.”
Frowning the former angel asked: “Why would you be bad for me?”
“Do you remember there was a time when you asked me why you would lie to somebody?”
Cas nodded, his concern still visible in his tightly pulled together eyebrows.
“Well, and today you don't even think twice before telling me you're fine. I know I do that a lot, and I guess that's where you got it from, but has it occurred to you that I might really want to know?” Cas was distracted when Dean's hand found his and the tingling jolted through his body. He swallowed before answering.
“I thought that was the appropriate response to the question,” stated Cas honestly.
“Of course you would think that,” grumbled Dean and Cas was uncertain which of them he was angry with. But his annoyance had vanished when he explained to Cas: “If someone you don't know well asks, you respond with 'I'm fine'. But if it is somebody close to you, like me or Sam, we really want to know.”
Cas thought about his words for a moment, his eyes wandering about Dean's face. The sight of the other man's lips somehow made his guts clench, even though he didn't really understand why. He also noticed Dean occasionally looking down to his, too.
When he remembered what they had been talking about (was it always so distracting to be human?) he asked the question that seemed logical: “Then why do you say 'I'm fine' to Sam and me so often?”
Dean rolled his eyes as if he had expected Cas to ask. “I don't like to talk about feelings, you know that.”
Yes, Cas knew, but he didn't understand. Testing Dean's patience he inquired: “Why?”
The hunter just shrugged his shoulders, but Cas waited for him to answer, looking at him. Dean stared back, but eventually he sighed and looked away.
He made it sound trivial. “Maybe I don't want to be vulnerable.”
“Hm,” the former angel thought about it. His first instinct was to tell Dean 'I would never hurt you', but he knew he had hurt him more than once. His guts clenched again, but this time it didn't feel good at all. Even though they were close now, there were things that he couldn't make up for. Apparently the immense guilt he felt had shown on his face, because in a concerned voice Dean asked: “Hey, what's wrong?”
Cas shook his head, but this time it was Dean who didn't let up. It may have partially been due to the fact that Cas' eyes actually watered and he had to bite his cheek in order to keep the tears back. He hadn't cried before, because angels didn't feel emotions in the same way humans did, and he didn't want to start now. This was supposed to feel good, he was so close to Dean, but suddenly all he could think was that he didn't deserve it. That Dean should throw him out, because he had hurt him so bad that he felt like he had to hide his emotions so he wouldn't get hurt again.
Against Cas' will a tear formed and ran down his cheeks. Angrily he beat it away with his hand, trying to free his other one from Dean's and sit up, but Dean's grip tightened.
“Cas,” his voice was soft and worried, which only made Cas feel even more guilty, “talk to me, what's going on?”
In Cas' head angry voices screamed at him for letting Dean care about him after he hadn't cared for him enough. Cas sat up, even though his left hand was still in the grip of the hunter's, and turned his face away as another tear fell when his eyes overflowed. His vision was too blurred to see anything, but closing his eyes would make more tears flow, so he held them open. He couldn't hold back a choked sob that worked its way up his throat, and he felt like an idiot. This had been about Dean, and now he was being emotional and stupid.
Next to him the mattress moved and he heard the rustling of fabric moving. Pulling his knees to his face he tried to hide himself, even though his left arm was trapped between his body and his legs since Dean was still holding on to his hand. Cas made a high pitched noise of surprise when a hand touched his shoulder and pulled him towards the other man. Cas tried to resist, but balled up like he was he didn't have enough stability. Quickly he found the right side of his body leaning against Dean's upper body and an arm holding him close at his shoulders. Finally Dean let go of his hand, but only to wrap his other arm around Cas' pulled up legs. Another sob escaped Cas at the feeling of the hug, even though or maybe because he was still stiff and fighting it.
“I've got you, Cas,” Dean told him quietly, “you can let go. It's okay.”
The comforting words finally made Cas break. He was the last person to deserve them after what he had done. Once the tears started flowing he wasn't able to make them stop, they left burning paths down his cheeks and wet his clothes. He couldn't hold the sobbing back anymore and instead tried to muffle it by pressing his head to his knees.
Dean gently but firmly put his hand to Cas' cheek and redirected his head to rest against his chest. Over the noise of his crying Cas didn't understand everything the hunter said to him, but his voice was comforting and soft.
The first word Cas was able to force out of his mouth was a desperate “Stop!” but Dean didn't listen. He held him close and rocked them back and forth, telling Cas that it was okay. But it wasn't, it wasn't okay and Cas knew. Cas wasn't good enough for Dean and he never would be, and he couldn't remember why he had let this happen in the first place. Probably because he was selfish, wanting to have Dean to him even after what he had done to the human.
“I don't deserve this!” He cried out and finally, finally Dean loosened the hug, but instead of letting him go the hunter held him by his shoulders and forced Cas to face him. Through the curtain of his tears Cas looked at Dean, and he still wasn't angry at him, didn't scold him and tell him to go away like he should do.
But when Dean spoke, his voice was serious and he stared at Cas to make sure he heard every word: “You listen to me, you silly ex-angel. I don't know what has gotten into you, but if you're second guessing if you deserve to be here and with me, don't you dare. I want you to be here, right here with me, do you understand?”
The tone in Dean's voice finally lessened the intensity of tears streaming down Cas' face and when he wiped his eyes he could see Dean clearer.
“I've hurt you, I've hurt you too much,” he sobbed and tried to wiggle free from Dean's grip.
“Yes, you did,” agreed Dean, leaning closer to him, “you hurt me, but that doesn't mean I can't forgive you. And I hurt you, too, remember? I still want you, Cas, with me, close to me.”
Cas shook his head, not able to understand that Dean could actually mean what he was saying. After all that had happened, he didn't even deserve to live anymore, let alone to get affection.
“I killed you, Dean,” wept Cas, hiding his face in his hands. The tears were back.
“No, you didn't.” Dean's voice had changed, from desperation to surprise, from intensity to confusion. “You didn't kill me, Cas.”
The former angel's voice was quiet and muffled by his hands, but it was clear enough for Dean to hear.
“I did. Naomi made me kill you hundreds of times, over and over again, until I didn't fight it anymore,” Cas pulled the hands from his face and gripped the fabric of Dean's shirt over his chest. Dean was momentarily speechless, but the words ran from Cas' mouth. “I mourned you, but she made me kill you again, and again, until I became numb and I didn't care anymore, I didn't care anymore Dean, I just killed you. And I can still see it, I can see you on the ground, hundreds of you, and I have killed them, until there were a thousand Deans and Naomi send me to get the real you, and I was so scared. I was so scared I would actually hurt you, and I was so close, I-”
Finally Dean had found his voice and it was strong when he insisted: “Stop, Cas.”
The former angel actually fell silent, staring at him with big eyes and tears still falling to his wet shirt, his shoulders shaking violently.
“Cas,” Dean repeated, “I am sorry, I really am. But you are wrong.” To stress his words he gripped the other man tighter. “You do deserve this, and yes, even after all that has happened. And you know why?”
Dean paused and waited until Cas shook his head, just to make sure the shaken man actually followed him, “Because I have forgiven you. I have forgiven you a long time ago, but I did it again when Sam died and I'll do it again today. Cas, I forgive you. And I want you here, here with me, by my side and close to me. Yes, you deserve this. Please, Cas, stay with me.”
Cas sobbed again, but this time it wasn't violent and angry, this time it was exhausted. He looked down, breathing irregularly and shaking.
“Do you hear me, Cas? I want you to tell me that you understand,” Dean's voice was demanding, but equal parts pleading for Cas to understand.
In a weak and broken voice Cas whispered “Yes,” and “I understand” and “Thank you”, interrupted by sobs. When Dean pulled him to his chest again he let it happen, hiding his face in Dean's shirt and making it as drenched in tears as his own was. The hunter didn't hold him in place anymore since he wasn't struggling, instead one hand rested on his back and the other stroked his hair, making Cas' breathing finally calm down.
Cas could feel it explode in his heart, the strong feeling of affection and longing, and he finally understood what it was. It would have been easy to tell Dean, because it was true and Cas knew now, he knew what Dean meant to him and he knew he wanted to stay. To stay forever, with his favorite human that he would give everything for. But even he knew that it was to early for that, to new and to fresh to say the three words that he could feel in his heart. But he still felt it, and he knew that it was the reason it was going to be okay. The reason why, after everything that happened, they could be close. He finally understood, and he was able to stop his tears from flowing.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Dean held Cas until his last tear had dried and his breathing was calm and quiet against his chest. Never before had the other man let go like that, and even though it hurt him to see the trauma of what happened haunt him, he was glad that he had gotten through to Cas.
A few minutes after the last tear had rolled down his cheek Cas sat up, carefully freeing himself from Dean's arms. His eyes were red and his face pale, and both of their shirts had wet stains all over them. Cas' pulled an apologetic face and got to his feet.
“I'll get us dry shirts.”
“Just grab two from the dresser,” commented Dean and gestured towards the wall. Nodding Cas took the top two t-shirts out and gave one to Dean. The other man had already stripped out of his wet shirt, leaving him topless. Cas swallowed at the sight of his skin, seeing what he had felt under the shirt this morning and admiring the tattoo on the left side of his chest. Before Dean had pulled his shirt over his head Cas turned around, blushing and making is way back to the bed. Sitting on the edge he changed his own shirt, his back turned towards Dean in the hope the blood would leave his cheeks before the hunter saw it. Either he actually didn't or he had the decency not to comment on it. They got back under the covers and Cas felt like he had to get something of his chest, since he had interrupted the topic when he panicked earlier.
“Dean,” he began, even though the other man was already looking at him, “I want you to know that you can be vulnerable around me and I won't mind. Because I, too, truly want to know how you feel.”
A smile spread across the hunter's face and he lifted a hand to run it through Cas' hair. The touch was enough to make the former angel's blood boil and he had to focus on what Dean was saying: “Cas, admitting to myself that I want to be close to you – and actually being close to you, that's probably the most vulnerable I've made myself in years.”
“Oh,” breathed Cas, and he nodded understandingly. “I guess acting on one's feelings can be intimidating.”
Dean laughed shortly, “It is, especially if you want something to last and not fail like many other things have.”
“We won't let that happen,” stated Cas determined, reaching out to take Dean's hand back in his.
“Sounds like a plan,” smiled Dean, gently squeezing the fingers between his own.
Dean's hand felt rough, his skin a little bit too dry and some scars disrupting the smooth skin. Cas liked it. It felt familiar in a weird way, since he hadn't held Dean's hand a lot before, but he would have been able to tell that it was his if he had to find it in a hundred others, he was certain of it. He let his thumb stroke over the back of the hand, memorizing the feeling. Again he could feel the warmth spread from where their skin touched.
“Would you mind if I asked you something before we go to sleep?” Cas' heart was stuttering for a moment, suddenly worried about his lack of knowledge about humans. But Dean's voice was reassuring.
“Certainly, what do you want to know?”
“I...” Hesitating he pulled their hands to rest between their upper bodies, studying them. “I am still quite unfamiliar with a lot of things that concern humans. Even though I watched them for hundreds of years, so many things aren't visible from the outside.” Blood rushed to his cheeks when he continued. “Since I am human, I have encountered some feelings and... wishes... that I didn't know about. And sometimes I find myself wondering if they are normal. Like...” Gently his thumb drew circles on Dean's hand, and Cas lost the thread of what he was saying for a second. “I knew humans speak of longing for physical contact, and I thought I understood, even if I didn't experience it myself as an angel. But now, I... I feel this constant urge to touch you, Dean. Hold your hand, touch your skin. And I was wondering...”
Cas didn't know how to finish his sentence, suddenly feeling embarrassed about his words and blushing even more. But Dean smiled at him, and Cas thought he might see a hint of red in his cheeks, too. The hunter let go of his hand, and for a second Cas was afraid he misunderstood him, he wanted to touch him more, not less. But he calmed down when Dean used his index finger to slowly wander across the exposed skin of his arm as he answered: “Yes, that is normal. If you like somebody...” Dean grinned and blushed, pausing for a moment, “really like somebody,” he stressed, “humans tend to crave physical contact.”
Cas wanted to answer, wanted to ask more questions, but Dean's finger was gently touching his collar bone that was exposed by Dean's shirt and Cas felt like it was on fire, burning hot and tingly and exciting. Dean stroked it again with his thumb before he let his hand sink back into the space between them. When Cas still didn't answer, he shrugged apologetically.
“As you can see, I also want to feel you. Did I go too far?” A hint of concern worked its way into his eyes, so Cas shook his head while clearing his throat to get his voice back.
“No,” he croaked, “No, that felt... really good. May I... Would you mind if I do that?”
“Not at all,” declared Dean, but before Cas was able to do anything, the hunter took his hand. He placed it on his chest, holding it for a moment. “You're right,” he informed Cas when he let go, “it really does feel good.”***Dean couldn't remember when they had fallen asleep. All he could think of was Cas' gentle finger on the patches of bare skin on his arms and the base of his neck, and his own fingers gliding across Cas' arms until they couldn't keep their eyes open any longer.
Now that he blinked the sleep out of his eyes he couldn't feel Cas, only that his mattress dipped to his left, so he had to still be there. Turning his head he saw the former angel, laying on his side facing away from Dean, his knees pulled upwards and his hands under his head. It looked peaceful and easy, and Dean felt his heart swell at the thought that he would get to see Cas like this again and again. It might be the best future he had to look forward to yet.
Maybe he got it now, he thought, the reason why he had woken up to Cas staring at him a couple of times. And Cas' promise to 'watch over him'. It did feel good to see the former angel asleep and looking at peace, not worried or on the run. Maybe all that Cas had looked for in the past was that view of calmness, since he couldn't sleep on his own. There was something intriguing about watching Cas sleep, even though nothing actually happened.
Before Dean could get bored, Cas moved and began blinking. Dean could tell that he was confused for a moment, maybe over the fact that he was in Dean's room, but he could imagine the former angel still being confused about actually waking up from sleep, too.
In the softest voice he could find he whispered: “Morning Cas.”
Cas didn't turn around or answer, but the smile spreading on his face let Dean see that he had been heard and appreciated. A hand tapped blindly across the bed behind Cas' back and eventually landed on Dean's thigh with a satisfied hum from Cas. Dean smiled at the contact and took the hand into his own.
“Wanna get up?” he asked the man that had closed his eyes again. From the other side of the bed came a displeased sound that Dean could only interpret as a 'no'. Dean giggled quietly. Since angel-Cas had always been awake, he had always imagined him being a morning person. The thought of him as a not morning person made Dean happy, ideas like breakfast in bed and sleeping in until noon on his mind.
Cas tugged at his hand, pulling Dean closer towards him. “What?” Asked Dean in a joking voice, “Wanna stay in bed?”
“Only if you stay with me,” came a sleepy answer and Cas pulled at Dean's hand again. Dean hesitated. He had never considered himself a cuddly person, maybe because it felt to soft for his image. But he had enjoyed the gentle touches and the sleeping in the same bed, which was pretty close already. And he had to admit, he was tempted to just fall back asleep with the ex-angel in his arm.
Fuck it, he decided in the end and moved closer to Cas, pulling the man's back to his chest, an arm wrapped around his waist. A long, approving hum came from Cas and he took Dean's hand in his, stroking the bits he was able to reach.
“Let's do this properly,” he whispered at the back of Cas' head, eliciting a visible shiver from the other man, “lift your head, Cas.”
Cas made a questioning sound but did as he was asked, and Dean slipped his arm into the free space below it. “You can lay down again,” he explained when Cas didn't move – apparently Cas had watched humans for ages but never really picked up how they interacted. Not that Dean hadn't known before today.
“Wanna sleep some more?” He questioned the other man. The response was still sleepy, but genuine.
“Only if you are okay with it.”
“Oh, I'm very okay with this,” Dean muttered admitting. His nose was close to Cas' hair and he was able to smell his scent – it had gotten more intense and even better when Cas had become human. The sound of the former angels regular breaths calmed Dean down and made his eyelids heavy. Before he drifted back into sleep Cas' voice called for his attention.
“Dean?” the former angel murmured, checking if the hunter was still awake.
Too tired to form words Dean hummed, just like Cas had before.
“I am truly happy.” Stated the other man, and the importance of his words didn't get lost in his sleepy voice.
“That's great, Cas,” Dean answered mumbling with a smile and tugged him closer. A few seconds passed before Dean whispered: “I'm happy, too.”
Dean couldn't see Cas' smile, but he knew it was there. Just in case Cas made his joy known by squeezing Dean's hand in his own and pulling them up to his heart.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Once Cas and Dean actually got out of bed, Sam was already in the library and researching. The two men took their breakfast to him and joined the research, Dean announced he felt good enough to help again. But even with six eyes scouring the books they weren't able to pick up on any lead at all. Cas was certain that there had to be some kind of portal on earth to get into heaven, but they weren't able to find anything about it in the books that seemed to relate to angels and heaven. In the late afternoon their moods had become so bad out of frustration that they decided to leave the bunker for a while and get some fresh air. The three of them got into the Impala – Sam even offered the passenger seat to Cas, but even though Cas gave him one of his rare smiles he declared he would stay in the back seat. Sam looked relieved that in spite of the changing relationship between Dean and Cas, they still wanted him around in the same way they did before.
They drove to the nearest mall, not really looking for something but rather strolling and examining the shop windows.
Cas first thought that it couldn't be interesting to walk past dozens of stores without actually looking for something, but found himself strangely entertained by it. Now as a human he actually paid attention to the offers in the shop windows, thinking about possible uses and enjoying the bickering between Dean and Sam about each others interests. Occasionally he asked questions about things he had never paid attention to before – with more or less satisfying answers from Dean and Sam.
He learned that humans liked to cover their scents with strong smelling liquids (not that all of them smelled bad, but Cas found most of them too intense) in front of a perfumery. Cas liked the smells coming from a store that only sold different kinds of soaps much better, but Dean refused to actually go into the shop. The brothers made him test his eyesight by having him read continuously smaller letters in a shop window with lots of glasses, and to his delight he could read every one of them. Dean explained that there were differences in materials of jewelry that somehow justified some necklaces being sold for little money in colorful stores and some being sold for enormous sums of money in stores that were mostly silver, gold and white. Sam's comment that 'that was something women did understand better than men' didn't really satisfy Cas' curiosity and bewilderment. But Cas found it even more strange that in a store that explicitly stated to sell everything for a dollar, many things cost more than a dollar. He knew humans lied on certain subjects, but he thought to himself that those stores were pretty bad at lying. Knowing that lies are a sensible topics he decided not to ask Sam and Dean about it.
Many of the stores in the mall were selling clothes, and it didn't take long for Sam to put Cas in all kinds of different outfits. Even though he was now human and had some kind of understanding that he did like some things and disliked others, he still didn't understand much about the rules of dressing oneself. So most of the times when Sam asked him if he liked something, Cas just read from Dean's face what he thought and mirrored it in his response. Except for another leather jacket, he still didn't like that for some reason. But they did get Cas some more clothes – for example a t-shirt with a print of some place he had never been, but it was in a deep red that Sam claimed brought out his eyes, and a pair of socks that were all fuzzy and fluffy and Dean stated he could slide around in the bunker with. Sam also got some clothes, but he was quicker in finding things he liked and deciding to buy them. More than actually buying some of the things he tried on, Cas enjoyed the mood between the three of them. Sam was very considerate towards him and seemed to actually care about getting Cas some clothes of his own, and Dean sometimes blushed while looking at Cas' body when he had tried on something new. Even though the former angel didn't exactly know what caused that reaction in Dean, he knew that it made his own stomach flip in excitement.
Cas' favorite part of the trip was when they fount a giant bookstore, his eyes widening at the sight and his mouth forming a silent 'o'. Sam grinned at the sight of Cas and Dean sighed, explaining that he would visit a music store and come pick them up later. Sam showed Cas the basics of how to orientate himself in the store and explained that he could find him somewhere around the thriller section if he needed him.
The former angel spend some time just walking through the aisles. Angels had access to nearly everything they wanted, so he could have read all the books that he saw now – and more. But, as he had realized some time ago, angels were... well, conceited. Apart from obvious tasks and research he had never bothered to pick up a book. Now that he was human, he was...
Curious.
He wanted to know, he wanted to know as much as he could. And he knew his curiosity wasn't just limited to knowledge. Being human made him actually interested in the world around him. No longer was he a mere observer, he was a part of it. Of the world, of life, of humanity. Cas liked that thought.
Of course he ended up in the science section of the book store. The sheer variety of topics he could read about was overwhelming. Some things were familiar to him – understanding the laws of physics for example was part of his knowledge as an angel. Different fields had been declared to be not of interest to an angel of the lord – like knitting, programming and cooking. Some other parts had been superfluous, like gardening. If he had needed a flower to grow faster than it already did, he would have just used his powers.
But now everything was available to him, the books on the shelves just a small share of all the information in the world. Cas picked up some books, having a look at the covers and trying to decide what he wanted to know first. Some decisions were simple – he couldn't read about programming as long as he wasn't even very good at using a computer. And some things, like making paper snowflakes, didn't appear to be very useful.
There was a small section about sociology and once he had a look at those, he couldn't put them away. He hadn't known that humans observed themselves like the angels did, and that they documented their work so meticulously. They had worked out theories on how society functioned and why, and it intrigued Cas to learn what the humans thought. He knew what the angels thought, not that he always agreed with them.
His studies were interrupted by a pat on the back.
“Knew I'd find you here,” smiled Dean, a bag from the music store in his hand. “What are you reading?”
“Everything, Dean,” Cas explained and a shimmer of amusement lay in Dean's eyes, “I can learn about everything. All this time, all those years I spend on earth and never did I feel so much interest. And now, it's like I want to get it all into my brain, learn how everything works and what makes the earth go round. It is truly amazing and fascinating.” With both hands he gestured at the bookshelves, a soft sigh on his lips.
Dean laughed, but Cas could tell he wasn't mocking him. “I like your enthusiasm, Cas. How you get all... sciency and stuff.”
Cas smiled at Dean, glad that he was apparently fine with Cas' curiosity.
Dean gestured to the exit of the store: “Wanna get some dinner before we head home?” Cas nodded and together they went to get Sam. They found him sitting in a corner of the store, leaned against the wall and his nose buried in a thick book. He wasn't very pleased to leave the fantasy world of the book, but the promise of food lured him out of the store – though not before buying his book and one for Cas titled “Basics of Sociology”.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It was late in the evening when they finally got back to the bunker. They had eaten at a rather decent restaurant that didn't compare to the fast food they usually ate when they were on the road. Even Sam had been happy with the choice and his meal that mainly consisted out of vegetables (maybe even completely). Once through the doors Sam announced that he would take his book and vanished into his bedroom, leaving the rest of the bunker to Cas and Dean.They ended up in Dean's room again, listening to the record Dean had bought at the music store. Cas liked the music, but apparently not as much as Dean. After a few songs the hunter turned the volume down and sat down on the ground, opposite of Cas.“I have been thinking,” announced Dean, folding his hands in his lap and looking at Cas. The former angel looked as calm as always, as a response he tilted his head. Dean swallowed. “You know I don't like 'talks', but I would like to ask you something, if that's alright.”Cas' voice was firm. “Certainly.”“Okay.” The hunter had to clear his throat and shifted on the floor. “With our research about a gateway to heaven... Well I was kind of wondering. Hypothetically,” he stressed the next word, “if there is a way back,” Dean hesitated again, searching for the right words. Cas' expression was still as steady and indecipherable as it was most of the times. “Would you want to go back? I could understand.” He added the last sentence in an effort to get the truth out of the ex-angel.“I don't think anyone would want to have me come back to heaven, Dean,” doubted Cas, not breaking eye contact. But Dean did when he added: “That's not what I asked, Cas.”Bewildered the former angel squinted his eyes, and Dean could almost see his brain working to remind himself of the question.“You want to know if I would be interested in returning?” Cas wondered, and Dean nodded. No longer able to just deal with talking the hunter got to his feet and began clearing his desk, stacking some books and rearranging some papers. It kept him busy while Cas was thinking about the question. Even though it made him nervous, he was glad the former angel did think about it. It made him more confident that his answer would actually be the truth.When Cas spoke again Dean turned around in his chair, finding Cas sitting on his bed at eye level with him.“No,” the other man stressed, “I hadn't specifically thought it through until now, but I think I knew before. Maybe unconsciously, but when I became human I never intended to go back.”Dean nodded again, somewhat relieved, but something still nagging at him. Cautiously he added: “Maybe they could restore your grace.”Cas scrutinized him for a moment, Dean couldn't tell what he was trying to figure out. But it did make his itch to just get up and leave the conversation worse.“Do you intend to know if I would leave to restore my grace?” Cas' didn't sound judging, but Dean still blushed. Stupid emotional talks.“Yes. No. Maybe.” He shrugged his shoulders. The way Cas tilted his head Dean could already hear him saying “Dean, that is not an informative answer to my question”, but apparently Cas had learned enough about human conversation by now that he didn't. If he hadn't been so nervous, Dean might have made a teasing comment about it.“Firstly,” Cas began, his voice calm, “I don't think there is a way to get my grace back. Secondly,” he ignored that Dean tried to protest, “I like being human. I have to admit, I do feel very useless without my powers. It makes me a burden to others, especially since I'm unskilled in every regard to humans.” Dean protested with a “no”, but Cas held up his hand. In a weird way the gesture reminded Dean of how Cas used his powers and he shut up. “Please let me finish. So yes, there are some things that I do miss about my former status. Or my former being, whatever you want to call it. And I haven't thought about it much, but I don't think there is anything,” he caught Dean's gaze and looked – stared at him, “that would make me want to trade my grace for all this feelings humans have. Especially,” the former angel walked over to Dean and placed a hand on his arm, “especially all these feelings.”Blood rushed to Dean's face at the touch, but he told himself not to look away. Instead he smiled at Cas. When he spoke his voice was high, so high it made his cheeks burn even more: “Can you tell me about them?”Dean didn't know what had gotten into him. Usually he was cool and collected, even when he was around people he considered... interests. But at the touch of Cas, he began sounding and blushing like a freaking teenager and even initiated chick flick moments. He was somewhat annoyed with himself, but on the other hand he had to admit that it was pretty great.Cas yawned. “How about I get some minutes to think about it while getting ready for bed and I'll tell you some thoughts when we go to sleep?”It was obvious that Cas was nervous about what he said, he blushed just as bad as Dean had and he suddenly looked away. Dean made sure to agree quickly – how could he say no to that offer?***Cas could still hear his blood rushing in his ears when he was ready for bed and sitting in his room. He still didn't know what to tell Dean, and he didn't know what Dean wanted to hear. And to his annoyance cold water had neither helped clearing his head nor cooling down his cheeks. It was unfamiliar to him to have his body react to things without him being able to control it. If he still had been an angel, he could have simply redirected his blood flow. As a human, he could only wait and hope for his heartbeat to slow down.The knock on his door didn't help.“Yes,” he called, and when Dean opened the door with a shy grin on his face Cas worked up his courage to add: “Would you like to join me?”“I do,” responded Dean in a low voice and closed the door behind himself. Cas got into his bed, leaving enough space for the hunter to lay down next to him. He tried to cover the fact that the other man's voice made his blood boil, and the grin had made him want to get up and just touch his lips. Dean didn't hesitate to climb under the covers with him, immediately reaching out for the former angel's hand.Once their fingers intertwined Cas could feel how his nervousness became less intense and his heart – though still way to fast to call it calm – didn't insist on bursting through his ribcage anymore. Dean's green eyes found his and they anchored his thoughts. Though Dean hadn't asked again, presumably to not pressure Cas, it was suddenly obvious what the former angel had to tell him.“I feel safe with you, Dean,” he explained quietly, but definitely, “and I haven't felt this safe since god left heaven.”Cas was able to see the blood slowly gathering in Dean's cheeks. His stomach flipped, excited that he could elicit such a reaction from the human. “Wow,” mumbled Dean, “that's something to live up to.”“And I feel excited when I'm with you. Tingly.” The words had left Cas' mouth more or less out of their own accord. They weren't wrong, far from it, but the former angel wasn't certain how I-don't-talk-about-feelings-Dean would react to them. Surprisingly he neither got a snarky comment nor awkward silence, instead the hunter looked away and muttered “Me, too,” with a shy grin. Something pulled in his lower stomach and the feeling translated into an open smile on his face, delighted by the idea that Dean's body might feel as chaotic as his did. Dean reacted by squeezing his hand and running his thumb about the skin he was able to reach.“Dean,” whispered Cas, his voice suddenly shaky. He didn't even know what he wanted the hunter to say, and the other man just hummed. “When you do that... I think my organs are trying to leave my body.” The words didn't do justice to the way it felt, but he was new to all of it and he didn't know how to describe it any better.“In a good or a bad way?” Asked Dean, stilling the motions of his thumb as if to check if he was making Cas uncomfortable.“Good,” mumbled Cas, annoyed that his lack of words to explain himself had made the hunter stop touching him.“So...” Dean's voice was almost teasing when he freed his hand from Cas', “does this feel good?” His hand wasn't doing more than the day before, just gently running up and down the skin on his forearm. It still made the former angel's hear skip a beat and doubt his ability to speak, so instead he nodded, staring at the movement of Dean's hand.The hunter's voice was quiet and deep, sending a light shiver down Cas' spine: “I'd like to explore that further,” he was still smiling when he added, “some day.”Cas wasn't sure if he added the last words for Cas or himself, and he just nodded in a way that he hoped showed his willingness to do so. Suddenly Dean had to yawn, making Cas realize that it had become rather late and notice his own fatigue.“Should we go to sleep?” He asked the hunter and the other man nodded.Cas got out of bed and turned out the light, finding his way back in the dim light of the hallway shining through the gap between the door and the floor. He could barely make out Dean's outline and he tried to find the hunter's hand again. It irritated him when it wasn't in the small space between them, but he quickly realized why it wasn't.“Good night, Cas,” whispered Dean when warm fingers brushed Cas' cheek, leaving behind a trail of burning skin and a stuttering heart.“Good... Good night, Dean,” Cas managed to whisper and he could nearly hear Dean's smug smile. Dean's hand found his and it wasn't long before they both fell asleep.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
When Cas sleepily blinked into the darkness he couldn't quite tell why he had woken up. It was only when he closed his eyes to go to sleep again that he noticed the mattress being unusually flat, he didn't have to pay attention to avoid rolling into Dean. After that he also realized he missed the familiar body heat next to him. Out of the few nights he had spend actually sleeping now, most of them Dean had been with him. Now he felt like his bed was too big and empty.Figuring Dean had probably gone to the bathroom, Cas tried to fall asleep again. But the more minutes he failed to go back to sleep were more minutes that Dean hadn't come back until he finally worried too much to stay in bed. The former angel shuffled to the door and looked up and down the dark hallway. Quickly he noticed light shining under the door of one of the bathrooms. Mentally grumbling about the cold floor beneath his feet he made his way to the bathroom and knocked.“Dean?” he asked, his voice sounding half asleep, “Are you okay?”Shuffling noises came through the door before a curt, muffled voice told him: “'m fine, go back to sleep.”Cas was fairly certain that that wasn't how someone sounded who was fine, but he also knew that it was how Dean sounded when he was too emotionally taciturn to appreciate someone expressing concern. Contemplating what to do next he still stood in front of the door when Dean repeated: “Go away Cas. I'll come back later.”Cautiously Cas queried: “Would you like me to wait up for you?”“No.”Maybe it was the tone of Dean's voice, maybe it was the single-worded answer or maybe it was the rejection that made Cas too stubborn to leave. He could have asked what was wrong again, or he could have told Dean that he didn't sound well. But he knew Dean well enough to know that only would make him close up more.So instead, Cas chose the confrontational approach, even though he tried to keep his voice accepting: “Dean, I am aware that you are lying to me and I also know that you know that I know.” For a second he stumbled over his own words before he could continue, “So let me help you instead of pushing me away.”“Just go away,” insisted Dean, but he didn't sound as firm anymore as he had before.Cas leaned in closer to the door, in spite of the fact that Dean couldn't see him. “We talked about being vulnerable, I was and you took care of me and now I want to help you. So stop sending me away, I might not be good with social interaction, but even I know that it is rude.”“Dammit Cas, it was just a nightmare, I'll be back in a couple of minutes.”“That is not how this works, Dean. Get over being strong and invulnerable and just open the door.” From the inside of the bathroom Cas heard cursing, but also movement. A couple of seconds later the lock clicked, but Dean didn't open the door for him. So Cas did it himself, squinting his eyes against the bright neon light from the bathroom. Dean was sitting on the lid of the toilet, his face in his hands and one of his feet tensely bobbing up and down. Under his arms and down his neck big dark spots were visible. Before considering the situation further Cas closed the door behind him and locked it again. Not that he though Sam might show up, but maybe it made Dean feel safer.Cas sat down on the edge of the bathtub, as far away from Dean as possible. Since he had already invaded his personal space by insisting to come inside, the former angel didn't want to risk annoying him even more by being within reach or giving in to the urge to hug him until he felt better. He knew that Dean couldn't accept that at the moment.So instead he he quietly told him things that were true: “The nightmare is over now, Dean. You are awake now, and I am here for you.”Some minutes of reassuring words later Dean's foot had finally stilled, the immense tension having left his body. He still hadn't looked at Cas, hiding his face from him. Cas could only guess he had cried but didn't want Cas to see. He also hadn't said a word. Cas didn't come closer, neither physically nor with his words, too scared to flip Dean off and him getting angry again. He tried to figure out how he could give Dean a way out of his situation without him having to loose his face.“You seem less agitated,” Cas finally stated, still cautious.“Yes,” answered Dean simply, but Cas was glad he had responded at all.“Are you tired?” questioned the former angel, gazing over the slumped shoulders of the hunter.“Hm.” Dean only mumbled his agreement.Cas took a deep breath. “Okay. If you want me to, I'll go back to bed first, turn off the lights and wait for you. I wont be able to see you when you come back, but I can watch over you until you fall back asleep.”At first, Dean was mute again. It took Cas by surprise when he eventually did speak, even though he didn't refer to his offer.“I am an idiot, Cas,” Dean mumbled barely audible.Cas tilted his head and narrowed his eyes when he asked: “Why would you think that?”“Because, after all we've been through, I still refuse to let you see me like this. Because you basically have to tip-toe around me like I'm a fucking bomb that could go off if you get to close.” The hunter's voice was still muffled by his hands, but Cas was able to hear him.“I understand that you dislike conversations about your well-being.” The former angel wasn't certain where Dean was going with the conversation.“It would be easier if you were angry with me.”Cas sighed, “I know that it would be easier for you to deal with, Dean, but it would only make you feel worse. What good would it do?” Silently Dean shrugged his shoulders.In an final attempt to get through Cas explained: “I am not judging you, and I am not going to think less of you if you show weakness. On the contrary, I would feel better if you would allow me to be with you in times like this.”Dean nodded. Without responding to Cas he asked: “Can we go back to bed?”Again, Cas sighed. Calmly he offered: “Do you want me to go first?”“No,” answered Dean and finally looked at Cas. Like the former angel had suspected the hunter's eyes were red, but Cas deliberately didn't focus on it. “I would like you to take me with you, please.”“Sure,” he could feel his heart jump at Dean's admission, and he promised himself not to make Dean regret it. Cas held out his hand invitingly and Dean took it, his hand cold and covered in sweat. Reassuringly Cas squeezed it and repeated the words Dean had told him the day before: “I've got you, Dean.” The hunter gave him a week smile before Cas lead him back to his dark bedroom.“Wait,” he told Dean before they got int bed, “take your shirt off, I will give you a dry one. You can't be comfortable like that.”The hunter didn't say anything, but by the sound of fabric moving Cas guessed Dean had followed his instructions. Blindly he took one of his shirts out of the dresser and held it into the general direction of where he suspected Dean to stand, and he quickly felt the other man accept the shirt from him. Afterwards they climbed back under the covers.“Dean,” whispered Cas, “I understand that bodily contact can be comforting to humans at certain times. I also know that you usually prefer to keep a distance to other people, so I am uncertain whether you would like-”“Yes, please,” Dean interrupted his complicated explanation.A smile pulling at the corners of his mouth Cas instructed: “Turn your back to me and lift your head.” The mattress moved as Dean did and then Cas moved closer, offering his arm as a pillow to Dean and gently pulling him close to his chest. It was just like Dean had held him in the morning, partially because Cas had liked it, partially because he didn't really know how else to provide comfort. It was nice, feeling Dean's warm body against him and holding him close.Cas had almost fallen asleep again when Dean mumbled barely audible: “Thanks for not giving up on me.”Whispering into his ear Cas promised: “Never, Dean.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The next morning Dean and Cas found a very grumpy Sam in the kitchen, mashing fruits in the blender as if he tried to relieved his anger that way. Apparently Sam had fallen asleep over his book and slept in an uncomfortable position, but Cas wasn't able to figure out if it was the pain in his body or the fact that he hadn't finished his book that influenced his mood. Both men assured Sam that he could take the day off to read his book and that they wouldn't mind, but Sam was too stubborn to accept the offer.
So they all sat down in the library for another day of research, working their way through all the smoothies Sam had made leaving no fruit spared (Yes, even Dean drank them, although he made it known that he disliked consuming food in a liquid state). Since they had read basically every book that sounded like it might be connected to heaven, now they had to search through less and less connected lore. After a while Cas was the only one not getting restless, Dean flipped through pages without even looking at them and Sam was more concentrated on drawing doodles on his notepad.
“I'm going to take a run,” announced Sam around noon and shoved his chair back with force. Only a few minutes later he appeared in running gear.
“I'll be out for a while. When I'm back I can go shopping if you want, or you do it before. But I need to see something that's not letters on old paper for a change.” Sam was stretching, his long limbs all over the place.
“I'll make a run,” promised Dean, throwing the book in front of him shut, “I could use some time off, too. And you can continue reading your book once you're back.” His little brother gave him an appreciative smile and rushed up the stairs out of the bunker, taking several steps at a time.
Getting out of his chair Dean turned to Cas: “You coming?”
“I can continue researching,” explained Cas while looking up from a book, “I don't mind as much as you two do.”
“Come on, take a break. You need it, you're human now,” Dean insisted like a big brother caring for younger siblings. But Cas pointed at his book.
“But the souls out there need a solution.”
“Yes, and we're spend most of the past days reading. Now I'm going to take a break, and I would like your company. We can be back in an hour.” Usually Dean would have shrugged his shoulders and walked off, but with Cas it was different. He didn't want to spend his time alone when he had the chance to spent it with Cas. The frown on the former angels face showed that he was at least considering to accompany Dean, and eventually he closed his book, too.
“Okay,” his voice was undecipherable, “a one-hour break. We have time for that.”
Dean's joy didn't pull on his lips as much as it gleamed in his eyes, grabbing the keys to the Impala and heading for the garage. The ex-angel followed him obediently and sat in the passenger seat.
Time for just the two of them, Dean thought, his stomach flipping in anticipation of a simple drive to the store.***It wasn't the most exciting activity since they only needed a few fresh foods like fruit and bread, but the drive to the store was entertaining. They listened to one of the tapes they had all heard plenty of times before, Dean singing along and Cas at least occasionally mouthing some words. The purchase had been stored in the trunk and they had sat back in the Impala when Dean turned to Cas, an excited smile on his face:
“Can I show you a place nearby? It's only a half and hour drive and I think you would like it. We could go for a walk or something before heading back.”
For a short second Cas remembered the research that had to be done, but the smile on Dean's face shoved that memory out of his mind. His heart made a jump when he nodded, asking: “Where do you want to go?”
Teeth started showing when Dean's smile got even bigger, and the hunter turned the key in the ignition and backed the car up.
“You'll see,” he announced mysteriously, making Cas tilt his head in though. Dean quickly looked at him and grinned, and Cas' heart jumped.***“Waconda Lake,” Cas read on a sign at the parking lot Dean was pulling into.
“Yeah, have you been here before?” Questioned Dean, parking Baby in the nearest spot. Only a few others were occupied, it was too cold for people to come out to the lake and go swimming.
Cas shook his head. “It's my fist time. But I have to admit, I am doing a lot of things for the first time at the moment.”
“Yeah, but some things might be more important firsts than others,” threw Dean in, leading the way to the path that surrounded the lake.
Nodding Cas followed the hunter, walking towards the big body of water. As usual for this part of the US, the surroundings were mostly flat and sparsely vegetated, with green grass interrupted by patches of lighter color. At the edge of the water more trees were growing, and here and there some colorful flowers had broken through the ground. Because the land was flat, it was possible to look far into the distance.
But Cas wasn't that interested in staring into the distance. He rather ever so often threw a quick glance at the hunter walking next to him, blushing when he accidentally caught Dean doing the same. Wind was blowing through Dean's hair, making it look like somebody had pulled their hand through it repeatedly.
They followed the path along the water, occasionally brushing at the shoulders. Cas wasn't certain if it was pure accident, since he refused to walk further away from Dean even though there was enough space for him to do so. And since Dean also had enough space to sidestep if he wanted to, Cas didn't feel bad about it. Quite the opposite, he had observed humans walking alongside each other quite often.
When he remembered some of the instances he had watched, the memory of a young man and a young woman came to his mind. The angels had observed them strolling along the beach on a small part of the west coast in Australia. Since they were the first lovers of a newly trained cupid some angels had an eye on their well-being. Cas could remember a lot of giggling on the part of the woman and a lot of jokes on account of the man that Cas hadn't found interesting. They had been holding hands, kissing later that evening while getting sand all over their clothes and ending up in the backseat of the car... Cas huffed at the memory. When he had been there as an angel, he hadn't cared about what the two were doing at all. Now that he was human himself, the memory made him... Well, it made him tingle and want to take Dean's hand.
“Penny for your thoughts?” Commented Dean, rolling his eyes when he spotted Cas' puzzled look at him. “Figure of speech, Cas. I what asking what you thought about that made you laugh.”
“Oh,” replied Cas, implying that he understood (He didn't. Why would he trade a nearly worthless coin for his memories?). His cheeks turned red, suddenly uncertain if he wanted to tell Dean. He didn't want the other man to think that he compared themselves to the couple, considering how their walk on the beach had ended. When the pause was starting to become uncomfortable, he began stuttering: “Um... I was actually thinking about a couple... a couple that I observed a few years ago.” Dean teasingly raised an eyebrow, a grin all over his lips. “Me and some of my brothers were assigned to watch over them for a couple of days because of a newly trained cupid.”
“So what did you see?” Dean's lips twitched, and he had a mischievous gleam in his eyes. Cas could feel how even more blood collected in his cheeks, looking away so Dean couldn't tell. He didn't want to explain to the other man exactly what they had witnessed. Again the image of the two, walking along the water as they now did, popped into his mind. Cautiously Cas reached for Dean's hand, taking his slightly cold fingers into his own. “That,” whispered the former angel. His heart was racing, scared that Dean might not want to touch him outside of the bunker and that he might pull his hand back. The by now familiar tingling sensation spread through his skin, having him bite his lip.
Dean didn't pull back. He didn't even comment. But on his face, a genuine happy smile spread and his gaze softened. Rearranging how their hands were touching he intertwined his fingers with Cas'. Cas could feel his pulse in the arteries in his neck, pumping blood into his permanently red cheeks. His heart felt like it wanted to burst, too much positive sensations pulling it apart.
For a couple of minutes they silently walked alongside the water. It was only when Dean lead him to a turn in the path that ended in a small landing stage that Cas realized that they hadn't been wandering aimlessly, but Dean had actually had a place in mind that he wanted to bring him to.
“Wanna sit down?” The hunter asked, gesturing to the end of the landing stage. Cas nodded and followed Dean's example, sitting on the wooden floor with his legs dangling over the water. Sitting like that the shore was only visible across the water, as if they were on their own surrounded by the lake.
Dean moved closer until their knees nearly touched and held the palm of his hand out to Cas. The former angel didn't hesitate to gently lay his own hand into the offered one and Dean rested the back of his own hand on his leg.
Cas' heart beat fast and loud, and he stared at the water surface beneath his feet. He was pretty sure this was something considered 'romantic' – being alone, surrounded by water and holding hands. Not that he would talk about it with Dean – there was no way the hunter would admit it – but his stomach flipped in excitement.
Dean broke the silence between them: “When I was a kid, I wanted to become a pirate.”
Cas tried to picture Dean as a pirate – on a boat, his clothes torn, swinging a silver saber. He huffed at the imaginary picture.
“Apart from the boat,” he inquired, “isn't hunting at least kind of similar?” Cas remembered that he had seen Dean in torn clothes and swinging weapons that looked at least to some degree like a saber.
“Hm,” Dean seemed to consider the suggestion, “I guess I thought a pirate would have... less responsibility. You know, be free, do whatever he wants to do.”
The former angel nodded. Then he added: “When I grew up, I wished to be close to humanity.”
“At least one of us achieved his goal,” stated Dean, his voice surprisingly warm. Irritated Cas turned his head to look at the hunter, only to find the other man looking at him as well.
Cas had wanted to say something, but when Dean's eyes met his he forgot what it had been. Dean's face was only a couple of inches from his own, a soft smile tugging at the other man's lips. They had stared at each other before. A lot of times, actually, Cas remembered. But at the moment, the air between them felt electric, making Cas' heartbeat elevate.
The hunter's eyes seemed deep, as if Cas could see right inside of the human. As if Cas could still see his soul somewhere inside his eyes, in spite of the fact that he wasn't able to see it anymore since he had fallen.
Dean quickly licked his lips, and when Cas felt his heart hammer against his ribcage he bit his lip. As he looked back up from Dean's lips, he realized that the other man was also staring below his own eyes. Cas' breath hitched when something powerful pulled at his guts.
Maybe Dean had heard, because he looked Cas back in the eyes, his gaze now darker than before. The hunter leaned in a couple of inches. Cas' brain was suddenly foggy, a invisible force luring him to look back at Dean's lips. Cas wondered if they would feel like his hands – warm, but a bit too rough. They looked soft, soft and warm and inviting.
Dean moved in a bit more, then he paused again, maybe giving Cas time to pull back if he wanted to. But all Cas' brain was able to think was 'closer' and 'more' and 'Dean'. The former angel held his breath, able to feel Dean's on his face. Since he was back to staring into Dean's eyes, he was able to see when the hunter closed them – Cas' heart skipping at least two beats at that – and Dean crossed the remaining space between them, and then Cas could feel it, feel Dean's lips on his own, soft, tingly, and someone lighted fireworks in his body.
Dean pulled back before a full second had went by, their lips had only brushed for a moment. Cas still had his eyes closed, a burning sensation left on his lips were Dean's had been, lighting running through his body. He opened his eyes, and suddenly he felt dizzy, but Dean looked at him, and he smiled. A big smile was putting the small wrinkles into the corners of his eyes that Cas liked so much, because it meant Dean was happy and okay.
The world around Cas began shifting slightly, and it was only when Dean's voice worked its way through his foggy brain that he realized why.
“Breath, Cas,” instructed Dean, and Cas took a deep breath. He hadn't even noticed he had run out of oxygen, because all he could think was 'Dean'.
This time Cas leaned in, leaving enough space for Dean to move away, but instead the hunter came closer again and for the second time their lips touched. It wasn't only a short touch, instead Dean stayed and gently moved his lips against Cas', melting the last of the former angel's brain. Cas' tried to imitate the movement, he didn't have much experience with kissing, but he wanted to make Dean feel just like he did, fireworks and lighting rushing through his body. Again it was over to quickly, both of them having to take a deep breath and fill their lungs with air.
Cas smiled, and Dean smiled, and their cheeks were flushed and Cas lost himself in the affectionate look Dean gifted him with.
This was it, Cas realized. This was why he had thrown everything away, and why he would do it all over again. It was, and always had been, Dean. His Dean.