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We used to play in the water together…the happiest times of my life, when we were young and silly and didn’t have a care in the world. Then he grew up, and apart—but not really. He was always with me, even when he wasn’t. I wish I had seen that, before. I had so much more to talk to him about, like the worlds I’d seen and the people I’d met…I wish…
I wish I had told him.
* * * * *Whispers. Riku heard them all the time now, echoing through the towers of the castle and following him through the courtyards below. It was always people he loved most: Kairi, and Mickey, who would bow their heads and meet Riku’s eyes, hands clasped, and say in quiet words how they were worried, that they knew what he was going through, that Sora wouldn’t have wanted him like this.Sora wouldn’t have wanted a lot of things, Riku always wanted to retort. But he knew they were just worried, that they cared about him, that they just wanted him safe. So he nodded, clenched his fists, and promised to get better.This morning, the whispers were what woke him. Kairi wasn’t lying nearby as she had been tending to do these past few weeks (Riku felt himself drifting further and further off the ground nowadays). She was sitting by the window with Naminé, red and blonde hair mingling as they muttered to each other. Naminé’s shoulders were trembling. She was crying.Pushing up, Riku moved off the bed, his bare feet hitting the ground with a soft thud that caused the girls to turn and look at him. He stood, stepped over, and pressed his hands on Naminé’s shoulders as he kissed her head.“We were just talking about you,” Kairi said in a different tone, as if trying to cover up their conversation.“I know,” Riku replied simply. He picked up the shirt he had discarded on the floor last night (Sora used to do that. It was so annoying. When did I start?) and pulled it over his head, effectively concealing the web of scars cutting in random patterns across his torso—marks only Kairi and Sora had ever seen before.Naminé’s eyes were fixed on him still, blue and pure. “We’re so worried,” she breathed, as if Riku knew what she meant. And he did.“Don’t be,” he replied. “I’m okay. Really.”“You’re not yourself. Everyone can see it.”“Yeah.”“Riku—“ Kairi sounded almost frustrated.“Kairi.” He gave her a firm look—never annoyed. She softened immediately, and stood to step over and hug him tightly.He held her close, feeling her heartbeat against his skin.An echo of Sora’s life.He swallowed down the lump forming in his throat.“I love you, Riku.” She said it with purpose, as if trying to tell him something else.Riku knew. He stroked her hair back, kissed her forehead. “I know.”* * * * *
Even when we were kids, I knew it was him: the person that mattered most. I made a promise to protect him no matter what. I suppose I did, or else I wouldn’t be here…but something’s still pulling at me, begging me to return. But I don’t know how. I keep reaching and reaching, but somethings pulling me down, down, down…
* * * * *Riku is twenty-two when he dream dives again.Things are supposed to be looking up; Kairi is getting married to Olette soon, Roxas and Xion moved in together, and Lea and Isa are three dogs and two cats deep into adopting another animal. But Riku can’t stop feeling like as everyone moves on, it’s without him.
He tries. He really does. He packs up, gets out of the castle, finds a place near Kairi’s. He starts training young keyblade wielders as a master. He goes out drinking with Aqua, Terra, and Ventus, and they all hug him together, half laughing, when he ends the night drunk off his ass and crying into his vodka lemonade.But he still can’t bring himself to get rid of Sora’s clothes sitting in the bottom drawer of his dresser. He can’t throw out Sora’s old rom-com DVDs, or his gross stash of candy in the bedside table. He can’t stop buying the laundry detergent that he used to use, or eating the noodles and dumplings and orange spice tea he used to make him, or drinking the vodka lemonades he would mix up for them on movie nights with the bottle Riku stole from King Mickey’s cellar. And every time he feels like he takes a step forward, he finds himself falling back again.So, he dream dives. He figures its for comfort (even though there’s hardly anything comforting about battling and consuming other people’s nightmares). He’d be wrong, but he tells himself that anyway as he soars through the dark, endless world of dreams, now empty with no one to share it with. Before long, he feels himself falling into the world of his own dreams—and it’s darker, and there are whispers all around. Invisible hands are pulling at him, pulling him down, then up, until he loses balance and falls, then floats.He wakes up choking on a breath with tears on his face.He makes another vodka lemonade.* * * * *
Time doesn’t really pass here, but I guess I’m still waiting for him. I don’t really feel anything either, but I know I have to wait. He usually comes for me after I’ve been gone a while, so I know it’s just a matter of time. They say that this is final, but somewhere I feel like it can’t be. I need him to know. I need to say it to him.
* * * * *“It’s my fault.”“Kairi.”“I know it is. It’s my fault and you’re angry with me.”“That’s not true.”The wedding is postponed. Kairi is sitting on Riku’s couch holding cold tea. The surface of the liquid ripples as tears drip off her chin and into the cup.He’s watching her, his eyebrows low. “I’ve never been angry with you.”“But I know it’s my fault. He wouldn’t have died if it wasn’t for—“ She breaks off in hysterics suddenly, dropping her cup so it and the contents topple to the floor. Covering her face, she hiccups into her hands. “Riku, what’s the point?” she wails.He doesn’t know how to answer.“If he’s not here, then why are we?”Again, silence. “I don’t know,” he answers truthfully.“You feel it, too.”“Yes.”
“You’ve felt it from the beginning.”Whispers. “Yes.”She pulls her hands off her face to look up at him, all blue oceans of eyes and tears.
Sora.
An echo of him.“What are we supposed to do, Riku?”He stares at her. Then, he wraps an arm around her and pulls her close. She presses against him, gripping his shirt.They remain together for minutes. Hours. Who knows.“You know he loved you,” she breathes into his chest, as if her words could reach his heart.“He never…” he trailed off, but Kairi shushed him.“Don’t. He did. You know he did.”Riku wished he could bring himself to cry. “I know.” He whispers, and hates how he sounds.* * * * *
I loved him. I never told him. I hope I showed him. I hope he knew.
* * * * *Dream diving became a nightly occurrence after that. Riku felt like he was looking for something (someone) but he didn’t know what (who). That is, until one night as he soared the empty dreamscape, watching shapes warp like the colors behind eyelids in the absence of sleep, he spotted the tiniest fragment, like a mirror reflecting blue sky.
Riku landed. Walked over. The hands were already tugging at him, drawing him into the earth and up into the sky, pulling him apart, neatly dividing him in two directions. For a moment he stood, almost giving in to it; what would it be like to let them, whatever they were, win? What would it be like to be split in two, travel up into the dreamscape and down into the darkness?He felt himself pulling tight. His hair was yanked, baring his throat, and he closed his eyes, submitting himself to it. Why not see what happened? He had nothing to lose.
Sora.
The whispers again. They told him to move. Reluctantly, he put one foot in front of other. Then again.
Protect what matters most.
He reached down and picked up the shard, ignoring the yanking of his hair and clothes. Suddenly, he blinked into another dreamscape—blue, blue everywhere, with wisps of clouds and the idea of water beneath his feet. It was overwhelming, almost too beautiful. He thought it pathetic that it reminded him of Sora’s eyes.
I’ve never seen this before.
He tried a step forward. Whatever was beneath him was steady—or maybe he was empty. He began walking, ignoring the voices tugging his heart in the other direction.
You’re not supposed to be here.
You’re leaving her behind.
She’s still waiting on you.
She needs you.
Behind these voices was a stronger hum.
Riku.
He caught his breath and broke into a sprint. He was flying across the sky, running with all his might in whatever direction made the hum louder.In the distance, he saw a dim sparkling outline of what looked like a star. He felt like he was vibrating, his entire body on edge, his eyes prickling with tears. He knew what he had to do.Riku reached out and touched it.Immediately, warmth filled him—a familiar, sunny feeling that instantly threw him back in time. He was lying in his childhood bed with a mop of brown hair obscuring his view. He felt the sun on his legs and arms. Moments later, sparkling blue eyes met his.The humming was overwhelming, swelling into music resembling the sounds of a piano and violin that overwhelmed his senses and filled him to the brim. Sora was laughing at him, reaching up to wipe Riku’s weeping eyes. He looked different, but the same—a timeless appearance, like he could be any age Riku liked, but his skin would remain smooth and glowing, and his eyes would stay bright.“Sora.” Riku hadn’t said the name in years. It felt good rolling off his tongue.
Sora smiled at him, which had Riku sobbing harder until Sora leaned in to kiss him, and nothing else mattered in the world to Riku but staying here with him, forever, kissing him.“I love you.”And they kissed and kissed again, lost in the escape of the Final World forever.