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August 28, 2010Boybands were dead: to begin with. There was no doubt about that. You could ask MTV, Entertainment Tonight, any writer for Rolling Stones, even the fans. Nick had seen it, he had lived through the last moments of their life. Hell, he had even tried to keep them alive for a little longer, but the end result was that their fanbase had moved on, and they were no competition for the new, younger faces that Disney Channel kept popping out. Hell, even Aaron was too old for that particular demography. In short, the boyband phenomenon was as dead as… well, as something very dead.Which didn’t explain why he was in the middle of yet another World Tour, while making arrangements for the next one, that happened to include another boyband.“I hate this,” he muttered, leaning down on the couch. He was tired, every muscle in his body hurt, and he was this close to killing A.J and Howie since it was their fault that they had to keep singing ‘We’ve fucking got it going on’ after 15 fucking years. And every time he remembered the huge sold out arenas of those first years and compared them to the much smaller venues where they sang now… his heart hurt a little. And it made him hate the whole thing.“There’s another perfectly useable couch in your own room, Nick,” Kevin told him, in that same tone in which he would tell him that no, painting his head green wouldn’t make him look cooler, and that no, an animated video of any of their songs was not a good idea because it would probably take longer to make than the actual tour. The tone that made Nick wonder why he missed Kevin so much in the first place. “If you don’t like ours, you’re free to use that one.”“I’m not talking about the couch,” Nick frowned. It was not like Kevin to misunderstand him so much. It was probably Howie’s influence. Howie used to think that was funny after one too many viewings of Leslie Nielsen’s movies. “You know what I’m talking about! You hate it too, I’m pretty sure of that.”“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Kevin sipped his cup of tea, which was yet another sign of Howie’s influence, of course, since Howie drank tea as if his life depended on it. Nick wondered what Kristen thought about it, and then decided to ignore his own line of thought. After all, he still didn’t understand the arrangement of the Richardson—Dorough’s household and he was pretty sure he was never going to understand it. “My telepathic powers are greatly exaggerated.”Nick glared at Kevin. He missed the days when Kevin was so serious and humorless that he took everything at face value. Of course, those days were back when the Backstreet Boys were literally on the top of the world, and Nick didn’t feel as if every single thing he did in the world was useless.“THIS.” Nick raised his arms to encompass everything on the room, and, in his mind, everything that was going on in his life for the last, well, two to three years. “The endless rehearsals, the nights without sleep, the fact that we can’t have a real social life without it being plastered all over tabloids in the country and thus you can’t even call your boyfriend without everyone pestering you. And the fact that this all is a huge big joke where we are the punch line!”“Oh! I get it,” Kevin said smiling, making Nick feel a little relieved. At least now someone understood him. “Aren’t you a little too young to have a midlife crisis? Two years ago you were telling me that you loved all this.”“This is not a joke, Kevin. I thought you of all people would understand me! After all, you are the one who retired.”“And yet, here I am.” Kevin raised his tea cup as if he was making a toast. “And I know every single one of the routines, the new songs, and I’ve been in more than a couple of concerts. Do you think I would be doing it if I didn’t like it?”Nick frowned, looking at Kevin as if he had grown a second head. He hadn’t quite considered that Kevin actually liked doing those appearances. He had figured it was a combination of wanting to keep their fans happy and have a good excuse to visit Howie whenever he wanted without raising suspicions. The idea that Kevin enjoyed the stupid shows had never crossed his mind.“If you liked it, why the hell did you quit?” Nick crossed his arms. He didn’t want to re-think his whole position about Kevin’s retirement. But still, he had to know what was going on. He was curious.“Because he was stupid.” Howie came in, obviously having just finished his shower, as he was wearing only a bathrobe, fuzzy slippers and was drying his hair with a towel. “Obviously.”“Obviously,” Kevin agreed, kissing Howie as he sat next to him. It was as if they weren’t each married to someone else, as if they didn’t spend months apart, each with their separate families. Once again Nick wondered about the arrangement his friends had with Kristen and Leigh. Maybe Kristen had insisted that if she was going to share Kevin with two other people, she wasn’t going to share him with the world. That made some sense.“No, seriously, why?” Nick insisted, trying to make sense of the situation again. He was not going to let the small jealousy pangs he was feeling detrail the conversation.Kevin sighed, looking at Howie, who simply shrugged as if to say ‘it’s your story, you tell it’.“I really thought I was getting tired of it all,” Kevin said, honestly. “But it was mostly that I wasn’t ready to come back to that tour. After six months home, I was clawing my own eyes out of boredom, and I missed you all.”“You missed Howie, you mean,” Nick tried to joke. After all, Howie was a lot easier to work with when Kevin or Leigh were around, and Leigh couldn’t exactly travel around the world with them all the time.“And you, and A.J and Brian, believe it or not. I even missed going to sleep with all my body hurting because of the last concert,” Kevin insisted, putting his tea cup on the night table. “Yes, there were bad times, and moments when I wanted to throw it all through the nearest window, but all in all, I miss it. Why do you think I started the rumor that I might join you during the tour with NKOTB?”“Then why don’t you just say that and come back officially?” Nick was starting to seriously rethink his previous idea that Kevin was the smartest of his friends. He surely wasn’t acting like it.As if to add strength to that argument, Kevin had the gall to actually look embarrassed.“Because it would mean admitting that he was wrong to retire,” Howie smiled under the towel, and Kevin gave him a playful nudge on the ribs, making him yelp. “What? It’s true!”“But you didn’t have to say it like that!” Kevin protested. “It’s not just admitting I was wrong, it’s also the fact that if I do come back saying that, it might reflect badly on the group. So… this way is a little better. If the first time I join you in the NKTOBSB tour is a success, I can stay the whole tour performing, then announce I’m coming back. It makes more sense.”“In your head.” Howie shook his head. “Why are we talking about your nonretirement again?”“Nick is having…” Kevin began to answer, when Nick decided to interrupt him.“I was thinking about quitting after the NKTOBSB tour.”It was the first time he actually said those words out loud. He hadn’t even mentioned it to his brother (Because, as much as he had managed to repair his relationship with Aaron, he knew that he couldn’t keep a secret to save his life) or with… with anyone else. However, the reaction he got was not quite the one he expected. Howie didn’t look as if he believed him, and Kevin…Kevin laughed.“You don’t really want that,” Kevin said, but even when he was smiling it was a sad smile.“Trust me, Nick. You’ll be missing it even faster than I did, because you love showbusiness. Didn’t you tell me that, two years ago? And if you don’t believe me, ask JC, or Lance, or Chris. I’m sure they will tell you how much they miss this.”Nick frowned. Kevin rarely, if ever, mentioned Chris’s friends since they had left Jive. Not even when AJ had told them about his collaboration with JC. And Nick knew the other guys missed the job. After all, he had seen Chris’s new band more than once, and he knew that Chris never looked happier than when he had a new music project.But that didn’t change the fact that he was tired. And using their old time rivals as an example wasn’t fair. After all, JC had found a nice niche writing, and Lance was doing… well, everything, it was hard to keep track with him, and Chris had Nigels 11 that was definitively not a boyband. And…And Kevin had missed someone.“What about Joey? You think he misses it?”“Joey has Brianna and Kloey to worry about,” Kevin pointed out. “And even so, isn’t he hosting Family Feud?”“And he is still doing the stomps of Bye Bye Bye,” Howie added. “So I think it’s a safe bet to say that given the chance, Joey would go back to *N Sync in a heartbeat.”“But what about…” Nick tried to argue his way, but Kevin interrupted him again.“Justin doesn’t count on this argument. He has never left the stage, and he has been spreading himself to acting too, so you can’t say that he wants some ‘privacy’.” And once again, Kevin proved that he might be a bit telepathic, because yes, Nick had been planning on bringing up Justin to help his argument.“That doesn’t mean anything,” Nick pouted. He was starting to feel ganged upon. So yes, maybe the other guys still wanted the old tour life, but that was probably because their last tour had been when they were in their height of popularity.That had nothing to do with his feelings, and there was no way he was going to let Kevin and Howie convince him otherwise. He was tired of everything and no matter what, he couldn’t even remember why he had gotten into it in the first place.“Nick, trust me.” Kevin stood up, putting his hand on Nick’s shoulder. “You really don’t want to quit. Yeah, maybe you’re tired now, and maybe what you need is a vacation. Take some time to rest, and things will look different later on. Remember how you were the only one who didn’t want to take a break between Black and Blue and Never Gone? Even if you had your solo album? It’s going to be the same thing.”Nick rose from the couch and walked out of the hotel. He was not in the mood to hear more about how wrong he was.“Humbug,” he said, as he closed the door behind him.* * *September 6, 2010When Nick woke up that morning, he was feeling even more depressed than usual. It was supposed to be a rehearsal day, which meant spending hour after hour dancing the exact same song until everyone either was sick of it, or they managed not to make a single mistake. And after seven hours, he hated “Straight through my heart” as much as he hated “As long as you love me”.Sure, they had a new choreographer, sure, Wade was not Fatima, but they still did a lot of the old steps. And yes, they had lost the stupid hat dance from “All I ask of you”, but the most modern dance, the newest routine, the most exciting idea became stale after you repeated more than 20 times in a row. And some of the new steps could be also described as “having a seizure, in time with the music”. And they only had two months to get ready for the AMA’s. Not enough time if you asked him.“This is great, isn’t it?” Jordan Knight sat next to him, sweating but with a big smile on his face.“What? Dancing ourselves into a heart attack?” Nick raised an eyebrow, obviously unconvinced by the happy front put on by the older man. “Or giving everyone the satisfaction of knowing we can’t just let go of past glories?”“Man, who pissed on your cereal today?” Jordan laughed, and once again Nick felt as if everyone was treating his feelings as non important. As if what he felt, what he wanted, wasn’t really worth even considering.“Don’t you feel completely frustrated sometimes?” he asked instead, wondering if maybe, just maybe, he could make at least the younger Knight brother understand, he wouldn’t feel so alone. “That everything we do is just a huge waste of time? That we could be doing something more… useful with our time?”“I’m afraid you’re talking with the wrong Knight.” Jordan raised his arms, stretching his arms. Nick imitated him. They were going to keep dancing the mashup of Step by Step and Backstreet’s Back, and Wade had added a couple of steps that were murder in the arms and now he wished he had listened to Chris when he said that Wade Robson was the Spawn of Satan and convinced the others to keep Fatima, even if her steps were a bit outdated now.“What do you mean?”“Well, I kept going with my solo career, what little there was of it, when our band disbanded. Hell, I even opened for you guys, remember?”“Uh, no.” Nick frowned, not sure if Jordan was being serious or kidding. “That was for *N Sync. The other guys.”“I know, just kidding,” Jordan smiled. “The ones who put up with Wade for what? Four years? Still, my point stands. I even love rehearsing with a sprained ankle. You want to talk about getting cold feet and wanting to quit, talk to Jon.”“He seems quite happy to me.” Nick pointed out at the stage, where Jonathan Knight was laughing at something Brian had said. And yes, he had heard that the older Knight had been the first one to leave NKOTB way back then, but he had never paid much attention to them anyway.“That’s because Joey knows how to keep him happy,” Jordan answered, getting up from the chair to stretch better. “And no, I don’t want to know how he does it, I know far more about my brother’s sex life than I want to.”“Wait, Joey and Jon? Seriously?” Nick looked at Jordan’s brother, then to Joey McIntyre, who was watching as Wade demonstrated again the footwork for Step by Step to Danny, Donnie, AJ and him. “Wasn’t Joey the one who said he wouldn’t do any reunion show unless you guys got together for good?”“I still think he said that because of Jon,” Jordan said, not taking his eyes away from the image. “There had been some bad blood between us after all that happened back in ’94.”“See? That’s what I mean!” Nick said, even if in his head he was counting steps. They didn’t had much longer before the “Spawn of Dancing Satan” (term copyrighted to Chris Kirkpatrick, if you asked Chris) called them up again. “We’ve been at this for more than twenty years, and what have we got to show for it? Broken friendships, rehab clinic memberships, a lawsuit against yourself, having to hide your significant other from the press because of idiot homophobic jerks who would gladly make everyone else guilty for association as soon as you come out of the closet, and four knee surgeries because you ruined your bones stomping on a stage for years before your so called best friend left you hanging dry.”“Uhm… I’m pretty sure I’ve never lived at least the last three things on your list,” Jordan said, looking a little worried for Nick. “Stress is getting to you, huh? Maybe you really should follow Jon’s example.”“I’m not going to ask your brother and his boyfriend for a threesome.” As he spoke, Nick frowned at himself. Jordan had just told him something that was probably a big secret for NKOTB, and here he was, hiding his own boyfriend as if he was something to be ashamed off.“I would never suggest that,” Jordan said, smiling knowingly. The kind of smile that usually made Nick nervous. “For what I’ve heard, your own boyfriend is somewhat possessive.”Nick couldn’t answer. He just looked at Jordan as if he had grown a second head. Jordan Knight didn’t know about his love life, he couldn’t. Because they were always discrete, not like Howie and Kevin who had even kissed once during rehearsals, not caring that anyone could see them. No one knew.“Hey, I just pay attention.” Jordan shrugged, as if he hadn’t just uprooted Nick’s world. “Besides, if you can’t trust your fellow pseudo-band members, who can you trust?”“We’re not really bandmates,” Nick clarified. The truth was that they hadn’t discussed what would happen after the NKOTBSB tour finished.“Oh, then take it from someone who has been at this since you were four, paranoia is the best way to kill any good thing you can find in life.” Jordan hopped in place, getting ready for the next hour of Wade torture. “So call Kirkpatrick and tell him to get his ass down here. I bet with him here, you wouldn’t be as depressed.”“He’s just going to think I’m rubbing salt on the fact that they can’t get a reunion together,” Nick said, pouting. He just tried not to think about that. No matter if they all were friends now, the business relationship between the Backstreet Boys and *N Sync would be forever strained. It was as if a switch was turned when any of the band’s names were mentioned and they were back in 1998, when they hated each other’s guts. But at the moment, he had something else to worry about. “And really, how did you know about Chris?”“After I opened for them, Chris and I became good friends. We keep in touch,” Jordan answered quickly.“He told you?” Nick was now getting ready to hyperventilate. Sure, he had never talked with Chris about keeping their romance secret but at the same time he figured they would tell their respective bands and families first.“No, but it was hard to miss the fact that you were in every single one of his parties last year,” Jordan said, lowering his voice a little. It was obvious that he was doing it to keep Nick’s secret. “And I might be slow on the uptake, but when I walked on you guys kissing during Chris’s New Year’s party it pretty much was impossible to ignore.”Nick had the decency to blush. He was usually very careful when he was with Chris because he really didn’t want the same circus around them as he had seen around Lance and all his boyfriends. But in New Year, when he figured that every one of Chris’s guests would be either too drunk to care, or wouldn’t know who he was and wouldn’t out Chris.“Don’t worry, I won’t say anything,” Jordan said, as if he could read his thoughts. What was it about boyband members and telepathy, Nick didn’t know. But he seemed to be the only one who hadn’t mastered the trick. “But hey, think about this. If it hadn’t been for this whole business, you would’ve never met Chris in the first place. “Nick didn’t answer immediately. Instead, he was thinking about the age difference between him and Chris, and how now he really didn’t care about it, but back then? It could’ve been a huge thing. Especially because Chris wouldn’t have given him the time of the day. And then, when he wanted to answer, he was interrupted by Wade.“You two, up here, now!”“Time to earn our paycheck again, Nick.” Jordan got up on the stage, not waiting for Nick to follow. Which was all right, since he had given Nick a lot to think about.Like the day he had met Chris, way back in Germany, and he had only thought that sort of sucked that Lou had gotten a second group and didn’t even traded two words with the guy. It took almost five years to that grudge to die off and by then Nick had realized that, as cute and fun girls were, guys were far more interesting. And since ogling his own bandmates had felt a bit like incest to him, he had started looking around. It took him a while to notice Chris, but when he did… well, he had noticed.* * *August 12, 2001“You ok, Nick?” Chris approached him carefully, not like he had during the Teen Choice Awards after performing with Aaron, when they were in front of the cameras. And Nick was torn between feeling grateful that Chris was asking, and annoyed at the treatment. He was not made of glass. He could live with the knowledge that AJ could’ve died if it hadn’t been for Kevin. He didn’t need the baby gloves.“Yeah,” he shrugged, trying to look out for Aaron. The Teen Choice Award’s after party wasn’t known for its raunchiness, but lately, his brother had started to become a champion at getting in trouble. “What are you doing here?”"Well, I saw you here, and I thought I'd come and keep you company. It's not every day I see you without your four big brothers," Chris said, and in that very instant Nick could see regret crossing his features. "Shit. Sorry, I didn't meant to...""It's ok," Nick reassured him quickly. "I know the situation with AJ right now is a bit crazy, but we got to him on time. We can't just ignore what happened to him, and I don't even want to try. It was fucked up, yes, but I can't hide my head in the sand and pretend it didn't happen.""That's a very healthy way to look at it." Chris raised his soda bottle inviting him to toast. At first, Nick was puzzled. After all, he still wasn't sure why Chris was talking to him, but on the other hand, there was a chance for him to get to know him better. And Nick couldn't say no to that. Smiling, he raised his own bottle and clinked it with Chris's.* * *August 15, 2003"I'm just saying that if I wanted to invite the whole BSB, I would've called Howie." Chris was crossing his arms and that was not a good signal.Ever since the Teen Choice Awards, Nick had found himself seeing more and more of Chris in his house. It was not that he minded, it was just weird. Especially now that neither had a band. Well, sure, both groups still existed, they were just in hiatus, and Nick was working hard on Now or Never, but Chris didn't seem to be doing anything with his free time.Anything except hounding Nick."So, it's basically me and *N Sync? I don't know, Chris, I don't like those odds." Nick wasn't really looking at Chris, as he was trying to find where he had put the song list that he needed to get to Jive to start picking up the ones that would make it to the album. He had even taken advantage of Chris's continuous presence and managed to get him to do backup vocals to one.So he was really surprised when the shorter man was suddenly in front of him with a look that could only be described as 'flirty'."What about a one on one then?" Chris asked, and Nick had to swallow. While his mild attraction to his rival had never waned, and in fact it had grown stronger, he had never imagined that Chris would notice, much less act on the knowledge. He tried to pinch himself, only to find that it was a very complex maneuver when he had a short boybander invading his personal space. "I haven't invited the others either.""Uhm... Chris? What are you doing?" Nick asked, stepping back only to find himself with his back against the wall. He figured that it must look ridiculous, since Chris was a lot shorter than him, and thus, couldn't really be making him retreat. Of course, he was also still staring at him in a weird way that made his knees go weak. That was the one reason he could find to the current arrangement."See, I tried to be patient," Chris explained, putting his hands at Nick's sides, effectively pinning him to the wall. "I figured, you're younger than me, and when we started talking you were going through a bad time, but that was two years ago, so it really doesn't count. I tried making friends, and then I tried to call your attention in every way I could think off, short of moving into your house without asking you first. And it's one thing if you're not interested, but I know you've been drooling after my ass at least for three years, and my fortune cookie today said I had to take a big leap.""You take advice from fortune cookies?" Nick didn't quite squeak the question, but it had been a close call."Not the important point, Carter," Chris said, obviously annoyed by the interruption. "The point is simple. I've gotten tired of wooing you, so I'm taking a direct route. If you want me, I'm here. If you don't and I was just misreading things, then tell me so, and we'll forget the last 10 minutes, ok?"Nick didn't need to be told twice. Taking advantage of his position, he just leaned down to kiss Chris.It wasn't until six months later when he got the courage to ask why Chris hadn't done exactly that same thing, years before.* * *August 29, 2004"I'm sorry, Chris," Nick and Chris were sitting on Chris's couch, as Chris downed yet another beer. It had been a month since the last Challenge for the Children, and the first time Nick had been able to sit with his boyfriend since the news of the official break up had hit the internet. He blamed himself for that delay, because he had been working on Never Gone, and he had told Chris that it was a great time to end the Hiatus and talk to the others.He had no idea what had happened during Challenge, but the fact that *N Sync was officially disbanded was enough to tell him that it hadn't gone as Chris wanted."It's nothing," Chris answered, but Nick wasn't fooled. He knew Chris loved *N Sync, not just the guys, but the whole thing, and seeing him like that was too much. And now he couldn't tell Chris about the video he and Kevin were planning, even if he knew Chris would love it, or how it was as if they hadn't had a hiatus at all. Because he felt it was like gloating. He couldn't do that to his boyfriend. "I guess it was time to move on."Nick just hugged Chris. He didn't believe him, but there was nothing he could say to make things better. In fact, the only things he could say, would only help make the pain worse. After all, he was leaving for Japan in just three weeks, and that meant that he was going to leave Chris alone.He wouldn’t realize it until much later, but that was the first time when Nick started to hate the whole business of being in a band.* * *September 6, 2010As he took his place on the top of the stage, Nick realized that Jordan, Howie and Kevin had a point. There had been good memories along the way.It was just that it was very hard to remember them with all the bad ones.* * *October 18, 2010“Great party, wasn’t it?” Nick asked, hugging Chris close. He still hadn’t told him about either his idea of retiring, or about the fact that Jordan knew that they were a couple. But he figured that Chris had noticed that he was being more open about their relationship when there were people in the house.Sure, most of them where Chris’s friends from the band –this year, Lance, Joey and JC had been unable to attend, and while Justin had called, and he had tried to attend, he had been held up at one of the Social Network’s promotional events and thus no one who knew Nick and Chris was there to put two and two together.“Yeah, I think this time I knew half the guest list,” Chris joked, as he always did about the tendency his parties had to get party crashers. Once he had thrown a party for Nick, and half way through it they realized they didn’t know anyone in the club. Sure, it had been fun, but also a little strange as they had no idea how that had happened.“That’s because you let me and Mike make the invitations,” Nick said, kissing Chris’s neck. He wasn’t exactly friends with Chris’s new band, but he was glad that their relationship was not strained or tainted by past mistakes from other people. After talking to Jordan, Nick had realized that once they came out, if they came out, he would need the support of Chris’s band.“Very funny, Carter.” Chris turned around so he was facing him. “Besides you owed it to me after that year you thought it was a great idea to get me and Kevin to celebrate together.”“Not my finest moment, no,” Nick agreed. It had been before Kevin and Howie reached their agreement, and thus both men had been less than festive. Standing in the middle of their unresolved sexual tension hadn’t been fun for anyone involved. “But hey, it helped everyone in the end!”“If you say so.” Chris didn’t look convinced, but Nick figured it was because the end arrangement still made no sense. However, before Nick could continue his not so subtle seduction plan, Chris moved away. “So, Jordan called me.”“Oh? I didn’t know you two were still in touch.”“Yeah, good try.” Chris glared at him, but there was no anger behind the glare. Just worry, and that made Nick feel a bit guilty. “There’s one sort of decent actor in the Backstreet Boys and it isn’t you.”“What did he say?” Nick sat down, watching his boyfriend walk around the living room. He could just imagine all what Jordan could tell Chris, and none of it was good.“That you’re very stressed, and for some reason, he thought I could help you with that.” Chris looked amused, which was a strange reaction to knowing that their secret relationship was not so secret or that his lover was thinking about quitting his lifetime job. But then again, if Nick had learned anything from being with Chris for 7 years, it was that Chris never reacted the way you expected him to. “Care to explain?”“Preparing two tours and being accused of not knowing when to quit and being too old for the stage is sort of tiresome,” Nick finally said. “We’re going to perform in the exact same ceremony that will give an award to a 10 year old.”“Now you know how Kevin and I felt when we saw you and Justin in our groups,” Chris joked, handing him a glass of orange juice. While Chris still didn’t join Nick in his healthy lifestyle, at least he was very supportive of it. “Nothing makes you feel older than having a bandmate 10 years your junior.”“Seriously? I make you feel old?” Nick couldn’t help but feel insecure. The age gap rarely came into their conversations, but when it did, Nick hated it. He always felt as if Chris was not completely comfortable with it, and it helped to fuel Nick’s insistence on keeping the relationship secret.“You make me feel young,” Chris corrected, and, to Nick’s surprise, he jumped into his lap, once he was sure Nick’s orange juice glass was safely on the table. “But at the time? I was pretty sure Lou was waiting for the chance to replace me as soon as he figured how to break that contract clause every time I saw your brother.”“Oh, don’t remind me,” Nick managed to laugh. “Sometimes I was afraid of that, too.”“See? I bet it’s a law for boybands. Jordan used to have nightmares about Mark Wahlberg, and Mark was only one year younger than him.”“After seeing ‘The Happening’, I don’t blame him,” Nick deadpanned. “He might be a great actor, but that was just horrible.”“Funny,” Chris sighed with mock resignation. “Fine, don’t listen to me. After all, it’s not as if I know what’s the solution to all your problems.”“Oh, really?” Since Chris was straddling him, Nick could figure out by himself what the solution was, but he wanted to see where Chris took it.“Yeah, stop worrying about the past, or the future. Enjoy the day, and everything else will fall in place.”And then Chris proceeded to give Nick very good reasons to just enjoy the present, and forget his worries, at least for the day.* * *November 21, 2010If there was one thing Nick reallyhated was the red carpet part of the events. Everyone was trying to get a picture, or ambush them with questions. There was also the fact that whoever he invited was going to get pegged as Nick Carter’s girlfriend, and he couldn’t take the one person he wanted to take because if he did, everyone would think it was a sign of an impending reunion and then Justin would get pissed at Chris.So of course, when the blonde girl from Hollyscoop mentioned Lance and the idea of making *N Sync join the NKOTBSB tour, he couldn’t even form words about it and he knew that on camera, it would look as if he hated the idea. Luckily, he was saved by Joey and AJ’s quick “The nine of us would need to talk about it”, but even so, he spent the next four days after the show feeling like a nervous wreck.Because it had happened before. Not in a way in which he was directly involved but since he and Chris had actually managed to make their thing work, Nick had seen the ‘*N Sync reunion drama’ happen twice, and both had been storms that Nick didn’t want to relive.The first time had been just when Lance released his book. Nick still hadn’t read it when Chris came to his house claiming that he needed to hide for a while. Since “hide for a while” with Chris could mean anything from one week to five months, Nick hadn’t realized that this time, it was something serious.* * *October 30, 2007“I’m going to change my cell phone,” Chris said, turning on Nick’s Xbox. “And if anyone asks about me, I died, ok?”“Why?” Nick had been back in the States for just a month, before getting swamped with work now that Kevin was retiring and had no idea of what Chris was talking about. “Did the guys from the Reality Show start pestering you again?”“Oh, now that’s an idea!” Chris turned to see Nick, forgetting the Xbox. That happened frequently with Chris, his mood changed quickly. “I could tell them that I’m in. That would keep me incommunicado for six months, right? Way more than the shooting for Mission Man: Band”“I’m not sure…”“It was about the time you took for House of Carters, not that I could complain,” Chris continued, as if he hadn’t heard. “And if I do that, I will miss the fireworks, and that’s exactly what I need right now.”“Chris? What happened?”“Lance’s book is out.” With those four words, Chris seemed to believe he was explaining everything. The truth was that it explained nothing, because while Nick knew that Lance had been writing a book, he had assumed it was about being gay while famous, not something that would affect Chris. Unless Lance knew about Nick and Chris, and was pestering Chris to come out, although that was stupid, considering that Lance hadn’t want to come out in the first place anyway. “And even when he was sort of decent, I’m pretty sure Justin is not going to like it, which means he’ll call either JC or me, and Lance will call Joey and we’ll be stuck in a ‘he said, he said’ mess for at least three months.”“I’m pretty sure you’re overreacting.” Nick sat next to Chris, hugging his boyfriend. “You guys have been friends forever, whatever Lance wrote is not going to change that.”“You say that now, but you’ll be remembering my words next time you’re within earshot of a reporter,” Chris said sagely, but he let himself be kissed. Nick figured that was good enough.* * *November 21, 2010Chris’s words had been prophetic. For the next six months, every time Nick got interviewed, someone asked him what he thought about Lance’s coming out –even when he already answered that a year before- and his book, what he thought about the chances for an *N Sync reunion, and what he thought about Chris’s terrible decision making when he had appeared in Mission Man Band.And if that hadn’t been enough, he had also gotten to hear Justin and JC’s opinions on the matter, especially as AJ had started working with JC on new songs, and now, every time Justin crossed paths with Nick and the BSB, he sort of snubbed them, as if he didn’t see them.Apparently, the fact that they were JC’s friends, to Justin meant that they had picked sides.By the time the Unbreakable tour started, and Chris was again working with Nigels 11, the storm had quieted down a little, but that didn’t mean that it hadn’t taken its toll on everyone. It was about then when Nick had learned that one just didn’t mention the word “reunion” around JC either, because if anyone got defensive about the subject, it was JC.But then Lance had to get in Dancing with the Stars, and the whole thing had started again.* * *September 3, 2008“I’m going to cheer Lance at DWTS, want to be my date?” Chris’s voice sounded as if he was smiling. Nick wished that his iPhone came with video conference, so he could see him.“I thought that your date was going to be someone who won a raffle?” Nick asked, wondering what AJ, Brian and Howie would say if he told them he planned to spend his free month before the second leg of the tour started watching Lance Bass dance.“Oh, so you weren’t planning on entering the raffle?”“Why would I do that if by the time the tour is over I can have you in my house all the time?”“Oh, you heard then, didn’t you?” Nick realized he had said the exact wrong thing as his boyfriend’s voice turned from playful to tired.“Heard what? I’ve been only hearing my own voice for the past eight months, what did I miss?”“Oh, this thing Joey did for T.V. He convinced us to participate, and before I know it, Lance said the r-word again.” Nick sighed, as he understood what Chris was saying. Getting Lance to talk about *N Sync didn’t took much effort, but getting him to talk with Justin must have been a challenge for the champions.“I bet Justin didn’t take it well?”“Better than JC, who declared on national TV that we were never getting together again,” Chris sighed. “How long ‘till your tour is over?”“Six months, but I get another break in December,” Nick sighed. “Look, why don’t you come with me? That way you can get away of everything if you want.”“You finally want me to explain to your bandmates that I corrupted you?” Chris said, laughing, and that made Nick feel a bit better. “Not doing that. Howie is scary when he’s in his mother hen mode. You tell your guys about us, then I go wherever you want.”* * *November 15, 2010People tell me, you stay where you belongBut all my life I’ve triedTo prove them wrongWith Chris off doing his charity events, Nick’s house felt incredibly empty. And he still wasn’t ready to go and crawl into his bandmates’ pockets, since he knew that come December they would be all together again. Not only that, but Brian deserved some quality time with his family, and since Kevin wasn’t going to join them in the cruise, Howie really deserved to be with his husband and wives. Sure, he could call AJ, but calling AJ meant explaining to him all about the retirement plan, and why he felt lonely, and why he missed Chris so much.So instead, he was alone in his huge house, playing his guitar and singing to himself.They say I’m looking forSomething that can’t be foundThey say I’m missing outIf my feet don’t touch the groundSinging usually helped him to get things in perspective. Aaron said it was pretentious that whenever Nick needed to think about something, he would end up either singing the songs from his solo album or the ones from the very first Backstreet Boys’ album, but his younger brother wasn’t there to make fun of him. Aaron had decided to go into the recording booth again and maybe this time there would be an album at the end of the process.That didn’t mean that Aaron wasn’t invited to the Backstreet Cruise. They all liked it when Aaron was around now that he and Nick had mended their problems.As he kept playing, he started thinking about what Kevin had said. If he retired, would he really miss it all? Now he knew that Kevin missed it a lot, and was planning his un-retirement, but Kevin was one person. It didn’t mean Nick would miss it.Except, it was obvious that JC also missed it. Every time he saw the other singer in the studio with AJ, Nick could see that JC’s smile didn’t reach his eyes as it used to. And if Nick noticed, they all noticed it, since Nick wasn’t the most observant of the band.It wouldn’t be quitting music, since he would always have that. And he would always have his friends, because there was no way he would loss contact with all of them even if he wasn’t moving in the same circles.Chris didn’t stop all contact with his friends.And it hits me when I reach for youThat I’m afraid you won’t be thereMaybe I am in too deepExcept that Nick knew it was not the same for Chris now. Sure, Chris had new friends, and it was hard to come by his house unannounced and not see Mike, Dave or Ernie, but JC, Joey, Lance and Justin didn’t call as often as they used to when the hiatus started. Kevin was still in touch, but Nick knew that if he wasn’t married to Howie, he wouldn’t be around as much.Truth was, they would drift away, and it was something that Nick hadn’t even considered. Yes, there would be no 6:00 a.m rehearsals two days before a concert, or sound checks with only an apple for lunch, but that would also mean to miss the conversations before that, or the meetings ‘just for fun’ after the concerts.As Jordan and Kevin had tried to tell him, he had been focusing too much on the negative parts of the job.He switched songs, as he remembered how happy he had been when Lou had told him they were finally ready for the USA market. Sure, later on every single mention of Lou made him want to puke, but back then?It had been the best day of his life, right up until the very next best day of his life, their first American concert to a full stadium.Their first platinum record.Their first World Tour.The first concert back from their hiatus, when they realized that all their fans were still there, that they had been waiting for them.Too many happy memories, which he had just buried under a mountain of bitterness.It’s like I got the signals crossedWith messages I can’t decodeHalf asleep, never wide awakeAnd I’m in complete overloadAnd that was not counting the good memories off the stage. The day they had buried the hatchet with *N Sync, the day Brian had shared Baylee’s first pictures with them, when AJ had celebrated his first six months clean, Kevin’s wedding, Howie’s wedding, and the secret wedding between the two couples.Joey’s wedding, and Lance’s ‘ok, ok, I should’ve told you all before People’ party to which he had been invited as Chris’s friend, Justin’s birthdays, and JC’s ‘hey, let’s just jam together’ reunions.Running off to Las Vegas one night to stop his younger brother from getting married to one of Britney’s dancers, only to find out that it had been a ruse to get Nick there for a surprise birthday party.Kevin’s opening night for Chicago.And he wanted to give all that up for what? A couple extra hours of sleep every night? He couldn’t even say it was to spend more time with Chris, not when Chris was again up and running about his new band, when there was a chance that they would get a label and record their album for 2011.I’m just rackin’ my brain, babyPaying attentionBut I’m still lostAnd at all costsI gotta knowNick finished the song and lowered the guitar, decision made. He couldn’t quit, not really, and now he wondered why he had ever thought he wanted to.* * *November 21, 2010As he sat on his seat and got ready to listen to the award ceremony, Nick realized that he had never asked Chris what were his feelings about the whole secrecy thing regarding their relationship. He had told Chris he wasn’t ready to come out, and Chris had agreed, way back when they started dating, but after that, the subject had never come up. Chris seemed to be content with just following Nick’s lead.It probably had to do with whatever the same reason why Chris waited for the others to decide when and if *N Sync would reunite again, and never mentioned it when he was interviewed. Chris didn’t like to rock the boat.“Nick,” Brian whispered to him, as they listened on stage to the nominations for Favorite Rap/Hip Hop Album. “You ok? You look a bit distracted.”“Are you really paying attention to this?” Nick asked back, smiling as he saw the camera pan towards them.“No, but you’re usually better at pretending you are,” Brian answered, whispering low enough so only Nick would hear him. “Are you still thinking about that triple reunion question? Because you know it doesn’t matter. It’s never going to happen, even if we wanted to invite them.”“I was wondering, what do you think happened between them?” Nick decided to be honest. And while Kevin was the one to go when he had romance or life-threatening decisions, Brian was still his best friend, and the only one who really got him, even if Nick didn’t quite told him what the problem was. Thinking about it, if Jordan Knight knew about Nick and Chris, Brian probably knew too, and was only waiting for Nick to tell him directly. “I mean, they were as close as us and now…”“Small things tend to grow larger.” Brian shrugged, clapping as the winner was announced. Nick had no idea who had won, but clapped anyway. He would get a list later, and the only thing he had to pay attention for was their cue to go backstage and close the show. “Think about it, if when you got your solo album out, you hadn’t joined us in the lawsuit against Jive, we probably wouldn’t have taken it personally at first but… two years in, three years in of being reminded if it every single time you were out in public… That could take a toll.”“So it’s the business’s fault?” Nick asked. After Chris’s birthday he had decided to put his retirement plan on hold. But now, listening to Brian’s theory as to why *N Sync seemed to go out of their way to avoid each other, he was starting to second guess himself.“Nah,” Brian laughed. “It’s their fault. After all, the only thing they have to do is to sit down and talk about it, you know? It’s not as if they’re children who need a teacher to play moderator, all of them are adults so at this point? I’d lay the blame on them all. Although, to be honest, I’m not a big fan of the media either, since they keep trying to drag us into that mess. Sort of like Aaron and you.”“What do you mean?”“Why did you decide to do the House of Carters thing?” Brian turned to see him. It was the first time Brian mentioned House of Carters since he had refused to appear on the show, and it surprised Nick. It obviously showed on his face, because Brian shook his head, as if he perfectly understood his thoughts. Score another one for boyband telepathy. “Nick, I wasn’t going to interrupt your weird family therapy session, even if you wanted to broadcast it to the world. But in the end, it was what you both needed, right?”“So you’re suggesting that we put the five guys in a house with no way out and tv cameras recording their every movement?” Nick raised an eyebrow, joking, but his mind was somewhere else. He still remembered the years between Aaron’s last album and House of Carters, where he and his brother had been unable to be in the same room without fighting, but he really couldn’t remember what had started it. But House of Carters had fixed it, or, to be more precise, the day after the shooting had ended. Now, they were as close as they had been when the BSB were starting, before Aaron launched his singing career.If it hadn’t been for House of Carters –as stupid as the idea had been- he and Aaron would’ve never mended their relationship, and he would probably act just as Justin did whenever someone mentioned Lance. Hell, if he had listened to his mother, who had wanted him to forget about the BSB and focus on his solo career, he could’ve very easily ended up hating his friends over what his mother called ‘their betrayal’.He would’ve lost his friends, brother, and, given the timeline, he wouldn’t even have Chris.That was a sobering thought.“I don’t think we could fit the hits from the three bands in a two hour concert,” Brian said, breaking his line of thought. “But I wouldn’t be against the idea.”“Hey, it’s our turn,” AJ said, getting up. “And seriously, I think we should finish one mashup tour before planning a second one.”“If we add more dancers, Wade will have a heart attack,” Danny helpfully added, walking past them. Apparently having private conversations during award events was harder when your band had nine members instead of just five.“Or give us one,” Donnie finished, passing behind him. “But if you all have a death wish, can we leave the tour-changing meeting for after our show?”“It would skyrocket the ticket sales.” To Nick’s surprise, it seemed as if everyone in both groups had heard if not the whole conversation, at least the main points of it. It was the only explanation as to why Howie was now thinking about tickets sales when he hadn’t even heard the original question that had prompted the conversation.And he smiled, when he realized that not only it didn’t bother him, but he actually counted on it. It was what made them feel like family, what made the whole experience special and worthwhile. It wasn’t the first time it happened to him, either. As he thought back over all the years in the group, he realized that it always was the same way. The Boyband telepathy effect at its strongest, he guessed, and perhaps something more. No, perhaps it was like the Christmas spirit, when everyone was nicer just for December. Only this was more like the Boyband spirit. He just had misplaced his own for a while.As he finished putting on his performance outfit, he fingered the iPhone in his red carpet’s jacket’s pocket. He had about 15 minutes before their presentation started, which was not ideal as years of listening to Kevin’s advice on when not to spring surprises on the group told him, but he didn’t want to miss a moment more.Nick hit speed dial 1, fully aware that Chris would be in front of the television right at that moment. His boyfriend said he didn’t care about awards, which was true, but he never missed Nick’s live performances. And since Chris knew how nervous Nick was about this one, he would’ve watching.“Nick? What’s wrong? Aren’t you supposed to be unleashing the power of nostalgia right now?” Chris asked instead of greeting him. The wonders of caller id, Nick guessed.“I just wanted you to be the first to know I’m not retiring,” Nick said quickly, whispering as he saw the others finish putting on their costumes.“That’s… good to know,” Chris answered, obviously, confused. “Since when were you retiring?”“Long story,” Nick smiled, then looked around to see that everyone was ready. This was it, the moment of truth. As long as Chris was on board with him. “Say, remember when we talked about coming out to our friends?”“Whenever you’re ready, I am,” Chris answered without hesitation. “Although I must warn you that I’m pretty sure JC and Joey suspect something. There’s only so many times they can come up here and see you with me before they clue in what’s going on.”“What about now?” Nick smiled, feeling his heart beating wildly. He was as nervous as during his very first concert, and that was weird, but a welcome feeling. “I got everyone except Kevin right next to me.”“Sure, put me on speaker phone and after your show, you can go and hunt Lance. He’s over there, isn’t he?”“Yeah, we heard. Now, wait a minute,” Nick said, as he turned on the speaker and turned to see the others. He knew that Chris could hear everything he said, so he hoped his boyfriend would approve the lack of dramatic sense. “Guys? My boyfriend wants to wish us luck.”“Hey, guys, break a leg.” Chris’s voice could be heard through the speakers, and Nick knew that he was trying not to laugh.But what really surprised him was the reactions of everyone in the room. It was as if no one was particularly surprised. Of course, Howie, Brian and AJ had known Nick was bisexual ever since Nick himself had realized it, and Jordan knew about Chris, but he had expected a bit more of a reaction.“Thanks, Chris!” they said, with such great timing, that Nick started to suspect that everyone knew about them, and they only pretended not to for Nick’s own benefit.“Not a big surprise, huh?” Nick couldn’t help but laugh at himself. It was one of those things that he should’ve expected. Especially since he had that ongoing theory about telepathy among boybands.“The surprise was that you decided to tell us now, and not, you know, after the most important show we’ll do this year,” AJ said, in mock reproach. “So, if you don’t mind, we’ll ask for all the dirty details after we blow the audiences’ minds.”“We want your opinion on the show, Chris, so take notes of someone not your boyfriend.” Brian actually managed to sound as if he was talking seriously, making Nick’s smile grow wider. Brian usually didn’t ask for anyone outside the group for critique, and this was obviously done to make Nick see that they all were more than ok with his dating choices.“We have to go now, guys, or we would keep the congratulations going.” Joey walked out of the door, opening it just as one of the program’s assistants was going to knock on it. “Time to rock the place.”As everyone walked out, Nick changed the iPhone setting again so he was the only one who could hear Chris.“I’ll call you when this is over, “ Nick said, carefully avoiding names now that there was some extra audience. It was one thing to come out to his friends, but anything more than that required actual planning with Chris. “And, hey, after this?”“Yeah?”“I’d like you to join us on the last leg of the tour, we spend way too much time apart right now.”“Sure, count me in,” Chris voice sounded amused, and it helped Nick to continue.“And well, maybe you can help me with some ideas for 2012. We need something to top the reunion of two boybands, right?” Before Chris could answer –and Nick knew that his boyfriend knew exactly what he was talking about- he saw the assistant call to him urgently. “Gotta go. Talk to you later, love you.”Nick hung up, and put the iPhone on his jacket before running to take his place backstage.“Performing together for the first time on TV, New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys!”As the announcer finished and the music started, Nick smiled to himself. Sure, boybands as they were in 1999 might be dead, but there was no law that said they had to stay dead. And if Howie was right, and Kevin was coming back, that meant that the ten of them could also help *N Sync to solve their problems. And after that, who knew? Maybe lighting could strike twice.The only thing Nick knew for sure, as he stepped down to sing his first verse, was that he planned to enjoy the ride.