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Title: 302 Author: Drunken_Hedghog Pairing: House/Wilson Rating: PG-13 (Violence, Language, Adult Themes) Warnings: Crack. Lots and lots of Crack. A very small amount of Ancient Greek, translated at the bottom. Did I mention the Crack? Genre: Crossover Crack Spoilers: Very small one for Distractions. Word Count: 1322 Disclaimer: If I owned any of it I'd be too busy playing to write fic. Summary: From the Better On Vicodin Crack!Fest "300/House Crossover: THIS... IS... PRINCE-TON. 'Nuff Said. Bogus points if you used Von Liberman. Double Bogus Points if you are ANYHOW 'historically' accurate." Note: Crossover!Fic prompt 4 for the betteronvicodin Crack!Fest.So many thanks due to savemoony and karaokegal; the former for looking over this and helping me out historically, the latter for being a consistently brilliant beta. Any remaining mistakes are my own. "What. The. Fuck?""House, does this place look familiar to you?""Which part? The two heavily armed groups of soldiers, the mountain range, or the sheer drop we're standing far too close to?""Just…all of it really. I can't put my finger on it.""Think quickly.""Why?""Because one of those heavily armed men is coming towards us and that sword doesn't look ornamental.""Wait, why is he almost naked?""Wilson, I will lend you my stash of Honcho later. Now I need you to stop talking so that I can work out how to stop the man in the helmet from killing us.""It's a strange-looking helmet, it looks similar to-""Wilson, shut up!""umeij, entauqa, tij umeij este?""What's he yelling?"*glare*"Fine, you can talk now, can you hear what he's saying?""I can't make it out, maybe when he gets closer.""You want the man with a long pointy weapon and a short sharp weapon pointed at us to come closer?!""The long one is a pike and the short one looks like a fairly ornate sword. Standard soldiers wouldn't carry something like that; he must be in charge.""Yes Wilson, now is exactly the time for a lecture on ancient armaments.""Wait, hold on, he's speaking Greek. We must be in Greece""oi twn Perswn kataskopoi este? Leipete V teleuate.""Why on earth do you speak Greek, you've never even been to Greece.""Well it's Ancient Greek. I took it in high school and then for credit in college-""Wilson.""-but I think he's speaking a different dialect-""It could be Persian for all I care!""No it's definitely not Persian, too Mediterranean.""Tell me you don't speak Persian.""Firstly, you're not the only one that speaks foreign languages. Secondly, it's technically known as Farsii these days. And thirdly, yes.""Seriously?""No House.""I hate you.""Tij umeij este? Dia ti deuro este?""So what's he saying, translator-man?""He wants to know who we are. Uh…oi apo toij qeoij aggeloi esmen. Qarrei, deuro Jj qeasomenoi thn machn esmen.""He doesn't look convinced, what the hell did you say?""I told him we were messengers from the gods, sent to watch over the battle.""Sure, you're from the god of Divorce and I'm from the god of Monster Trucks""The Hellenics didn't have Monster Trucks. They had Fiery Chariots.""Wilson.""And I'm not sure they had a god of Divorce. They did have Agape, which was spousal love as opposed to Eros, sexual-""Wilson, I really don't care. Why is he pointing his pike at us again, what's he saying to those men?""Maybe if you stopped talking, House, I could hear him!"*silence*"Okay...he seems to believe us. He's told the men that the gods are on their side so they are sure to win the battle.""What happens if they don't?""They'll die.""Wilson.""If any of them survive to catch us, we'll be executed.""These heathens have no respect for the gods.""Of course they'd probably interrogate us first, try and find out who we really are.""I'm guessing this isn't a Law And Order-style interrogation.""Uh, no. We'd be tortured in unimaginably painful ways.""I have a good imagination""I wish I didn't.""Wait, why are there so few of them?""What?""Oh crap.""What?!""Wilson, in your expert opinion, would you say those soldiers on the other side look slightly Persian?""Well the uniforms are fairly ornate which would be inconsistent with Attic and Peloponnesian dress.""That'll be a no then, will it? Fine, and if you had to estimate how many of those red-uniformed Greeks there are down there, what would your guess be?""Two or three hundre-oh crap.""That's why this is famliar. We saw that film last week.""We're in Thermopylae. They're all going to die.""You wanna go break the news to Leo and friends down there, or should I?""I would personally like to be as far away from here as possible.""Unfortunately we are stuck between the original rock and hard place. Even you couldn't climb that mountain and I don't think jumping off this cliff here will work either.""...""Wilson?""..."*smack*"Ouch! House! What the hell was that for?""You were ignoring me. It hurt. So I hurt you.""I wasn't ignoring you. I was thinking.""And? What is your miraculous plan oh great messenger of the God of Ties?""I...look, House, just because I like to look presentable doesn-""Wilson, in case it has escaped your notice, three hundred men down-""A thousand.""What?""There are 700 Thespians down there somewhere, as well as the 300 Spartans.""But they left.""Only in the film, there's no evidence they fled in reality. In fact they were probably Leonidas' first wa-""Who cares?! Those thousand men are about to be massacred; a thousand and two as soon as the Persians get to us. Now what the hell were you thinking?""Why does my cell-phone have signal?"------------------------------------------------"SPARTAauto estin!" The scream roused Wilson from his confusing dream. He massaged his neck, attempting to prevent the inevitable crick sleeping on the undersized couch in his office often caused. He followed the source of the noise to a post-op recovery room further down the hallway. Inside a man was wrestling with the two nurses and a security guard who were trying to restrain him."Anyone have a clue what language this guy is speaking?" The nurse could barely be heard over the emphatic screams of the patient writhing on the bed. She had managed to get the right arm of the man in a restraint but was having trouble buckling it."I might," Wilson called, carefully approaching the man. Avoiding the other flailing limbs, he held the arm long enough for the nurse to secure it. With one arm locked to the bed, the patient was quickly subdued. His cries continued while the nurse prepared a syringe."Qarrei!" Wilson yelled over the man's protestations. "Dr Wilson eimi. Ti kakon estin?""Leonidaj eimi! O twn Spartiatwn basile...basileuj ei..." The man gradually succumbed to the sedative as Wilson looked on in disbelief."House…" Wilson began, as he left the room.---------------------------------------Sometime later, Wilson was fighting his way through a particularly verbose journal article when House barged into his office"I hear my new patient has seen '300' way too many times."Wilson shrugged. "Could be a variation of Foreign Accent Syndrome. Any evidence he knew Ancient Greek before the stroke?""Cameron is getting a history from the family, but according to the wife he majored in Ancient History. Probably took a language course or something. More interesting is why a thirty year old man had a stroke after an appendectomy.""Especially before I had even introduced him to you," Wilson deadpanned.House shot him a look and continued. "Of course, the real question is what to do with him now he thinks he's Leonidas, Spartan King and we're all Persians.""Maybe the delusion is the result of whatever underlying condition-" Wilson began, but House cut him off."I was thinking more along the lines of inviting Von Liebermann for a consult and loosening the restraints.""House, you stalked the guy for twenty years, ruined his professional reputation and publicly humiliated him. Now you want to set a potentially homicidal patient on him?""Yup, seems fair.""Qeo me swzeij V moi orgizV," said Wilson, quietly.House grinned. "What's Ancient Greek for 'Blow me'?" A/N: Translations for those not used to Ancient Greek:1) "You, over there, who are you?"2) "Are you Persian spies? Leave or die!"3) "Who are you? Why are you here?4) "We are messengers from the Gods. Cheer up! We are here to watch over the battle."5) "This is SPARTA!" - Oh come on, I had to get it in there somewhere!6) "Calm down. I'm Dr Wilson. What is wrong?"7) "I am Leonidas. I am King of the Spartans."8) "God save me if I ever annoy you" (loose translation, the literal one is a bit complex)