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–***–Lieutenant commander Montgomery Scott was yelling at one of his subordinates. "How could you lose a wrench down between the pergium sheets, ya clumsy lout! It's magnetic, and now it's sticking to the side pressing five or six sheets together.""I'm really sorry, chief, but can't we get it out with pliers or something?""Only if you can find me a pair of pliers that are nineteen meters long, can bend around two corners and not scratch the surfaces. Well, can you?" Scott sent the butterfingered lad away and started thinking. Worst place to lose something like that. We can't just pull it out, it would scratch those flexible sheets and if they're scratched they start to adhere to each other. We need something soft. A rope, but we can't steer it. An arm would be perfect, but it's too short of course. I wonder if doc has any remote-controlled prosthetic arms I could borrow? Or maybe . . ." Scott went to the Botany department, where he knew he would find Lily-Lee when she was off duty. "Hey, lass, how about giving me a helping hand? I've got just the job for you."–***–The ordinary protective one-piece could not be used on Lily-Lee since it was far too big. Instead, she was wrapped up in strips of no-stick synthetic silk until she looked like a green mummy. A balaclava over the head and a soft bag to put the wrench in, a look at the blueprints for the pergium sheet construction, and Scott was urging her to go in."You go on now. I'm sending you in between sheets five and six but I cannae be certain that is where the wrench is. You may have to come back out and go back in between six and seven. I'll hold the torch for you." Lily-Lee crawled slowly into the tight space and went further and further in. Scott's torch was soon of little use, and after she had turned the first corner she was in the dark. After ten minutes she came out, took a drink of water and went back in under the next layer. Scott was waiting outside, looking pleased. This was surely going to work. Now he heard her voice from down below."I've got it! I'm putting it in the bag now.""Well done! Come on out now so we can turn the unit back on. It's been down for almost an hour already.""How bad do you want it?" There was mischief in Lily-Lee's voice."What? No tricks now, lass. Come out.""Tell me I'm pretty.""Sure, sure, you're fine-looking. Will you hand me the bag now? Why are you staying down there?" Scott couldn't see her so she must still be below the first corner."I think it's very cosy down here. You should try it sometime.""COSY! That hellhole? Cramped and hot and noisy. Come out now!""Tell me I'm the sexiest woman on the ship, but in the form of a poem. Make it at least twenty lines long.""That's it, I'm getting the captain."Soon a little group was standing outside the pergium unit. Kirk, looking amused, Scott, looking impatient and Spock, looking on. Kirk was speaking in a soft persuasive voice."Lily-Lee, come out now. You're going to give Scotty an aneurysm. That is not a nice thing to do.""Well, is he getting anywhere on that poem I asked for?""No, he's just letting out a bunch of bad language. Come on, I don't want to have to make it an order." Scott's language was indeed getting very colourful and he was red in the face."First that clumsy lout and now THIS! Where can I find a real engineer around here? Next time I'd rather disassemble the entire unit, it would be faster.""True words. Almost as pretty as a poem." Lily-Lee's head was poking out between the sheets and the men standing there were startled. Scott grabbed the bag with the wrench and went off cursing. Kirk was called back to the bridge. Only Spock remained, watching Lily-Lee unravel the sweaty silk strips. He did not offer any assistance, but stood there anyway. He waited until she had taken off the balaclava before he spoke."As long as you have been on this ship there has been logical reasons for your actions.""Thank you, I guess?""Therefore I assume you have one now also.""Well, I think so.""And the reason for antagonising Lieutenant commander Scott would be . . .?""That this job was dangerous and uncomfortable and I wanted to make sure he never asks me again unless he absolutely has no other choice.""I see. Strategic incompetence.""Yes. I don't want to be his ferret. Now I'm thirsty.""Then let me accompany you to the recreation room on deck five." It sounded almost like a compliment. Almost.–***–
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–***–Spock had walked with Lily-Lee to the rec room and also made an attempt to explain the rules of three-dimensional chess but she was not paying attention. The room was nearly empty except for themselves."You seem distracted.""Just a little homesick, I guess. Do you mind if I talk to you a bit?""Perhaps it would be more efficient if you were to talk to a crewmember that is better at displaying empathy?""They are all human. You are the only one here that will understand how I feel so far away from my flock.""No, I will not. Vulcans do not "feel homesick".""Well, I can pretend that you understand me, and I know you don't spread gossip.""The latter half of your statement is correct.""Ferreting out that wrench made me feel very small and out of place. Maybe getting on this ship was a bad idea.""Why did your flock choose you to be their emissary?""Because I was flock leader. When Kirk asked us to send someone, we all knew it would have to be me. Or Sosusossosi, my aunt. I addition to that reason, I was not caring for a child. Most of the others were.""Would it not have been easier to send a male?"Lily-Lee looked up at Spock's face with surprise on her face. Her mouth twitched, and she cracked up with a laughter that sounded like hiccups. It took some time before she could answer."EASIER! You forget that they are territorial. NOTHING can make a male leave his territory voluntarily."–***–Spock had suggested a fruit drink to Lily-Lee, and they sat at the table with the chessboards. He had carried over one of the tall barstools for her to sit on."I miss being pregnant.""I am unable to relate to that.""I miss breastfeeding.""Perhaps I should ask if yeoman Rand could keep you company instead?""I miss having sex with everyone watching."". . .""Fine, never mind answering. I just wanted to say it out loud. I miss it. It makes me sad to think that the only way I can have good sex, sex the way I think it should be, is to go back to my home planet." Lily-Lee sighed and drank some from her glass."Hrm.""Yes, I know, I know, you are unable to relate, a Vulcan and all. Why would you need to go home for that? Thanks for listening, anyway.""Perhaps I should tell you about our holodeck?"–***–
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-***-McCoy was walking peacefully along the corridor when something came running up from behind and pushed his hips forward with both hands so that he lost his balance."Jesus, Lily-Lee, give me a warning next time, will you?""You have GOT to come with me to the holodeck! By the way, why did you never tell me that it existed? I had to find out from Spock of all people.""The holodeck? You are still getting used to the world here on the Enterprise. I didn't think you wanted to visit old earth environments and go on adventures. Besides, it's only a prototype, it won't be functional until the next generation.""From what I hear, it can be used." Lily-Lee moved her thick eyebrows up-and-down, up-and-down in a perfect Groucho Marx impersonation (which neither of them recognised)."You mean for sex, don't you? No, there aren't any such programs. Starfleet just installed it for us to test it. It only comes with a "simulated outdoor recreation area" setting.""Officially, yes. But there are some unofficial programs written by this crew that are being passed around. Almost all of them are very simple and features only a simulated partner in a room, with slight variations. Only one person can enter at a time. But there is one exception, a program called roman orgy.""You don't mean that Spock told you all this?""Not him, no. He took me to see Chekov and asked him to tell me. At first Chekov denied that there were any such programs, but when Spock made it clear that he had long known and chosen not to report any such unauthorized activities he admitted it. Chekov has actually coded the roman orgy himself. It allows multiple players, and the best part is that he has now combined it with the "simulated outdoor recreation area" setting, so it's outside! He is even beta testing it for me now. Hey, there he is!"Chekov had stepped out of the elevator and Lily-Lee ran up to him. Chekov looked a bit rumpled and when he noticed McCoy coming up behind Lily-Lee, he turned red in the face."So how about it, did it work?""There are some problems, but it is working, yes. The settings don't always congeal and the same characters show up in several places at once but it is running. Can I please go now? I need to get a shower before my shift starts. Here it is on a disc, please make sure it's not saved on any stationary device." Chekov left hurriedly."Doc, you've got an hour to spare, right? Let's go!" Lily-Lee grabbed his hand and tried to make him follow, but he stood firm."Now hold on one darned minute! What makes you think that I want to go and have sex in some homemade porn simulation?" Lily-Lee dropped his hand and all her white skin swirls turned a dark pink."You're blushing! I didn't think you had it in you to be modest.""It's not that! I am . . . humiliated, or humbled maybe. Do I actually have to ASK for it? Please understand that this is not something I'm used to. At home I'm considered beautiful, and besides that the male always wants to do ALL the women on his territory regardless. I don't even have to wait my turn, being leader and everything.""I understand, I do. But these simulations are not my thing, I like the real world with real things. Why don't you ask Chekov, he obviously knows his way around it?""Yes, but . . ." She hesitated and was silent."But what?""I know I'm not attractive the way a human would like it, but you seem to be able to overlook that. In the simulator I could look human and make it, well, easier, for you." She was looking down at her feet and crossing and uncrossing her long toes."No Lily-Lee, you don't have to do that. Don't change for my sake. You're fine just the way you are and don't let anybody - especially me - tell you otherwise. I'll be a gentleman and take you to the prom.""A gentleman, huh?" Lily-Lee looked up again and her embarrassment had already faded away. "I've heard about those. So how about if you pick me up from my place after dinner?""Yes, ma'm." McCoy was smiling.–***–
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–***–"Wow, the party is already in full swing. Look at that couple over there, they are finishing up already." Lily-Lee was pointing."Yes, and it's the same couple that is over on that side. The ones that are screwing against the . . . air. That is probably where the wall was supposed to be.""But those two are a different pair. There, see? He's taking his toga off and hanging it on a hook . . . in midair . . . and now it disappeared?"McCoy and Lily-Lee looked at each other and laughed. The program was working, yes, but it sure looked funny. Out in the middle of a beautiful field stood pillars, beds, triclinia and mattresses, tables with food and wine and at least ten copulating couples. One dark lady in a toga approached them, but she had a long way to go since they were standing at the far end of the field. Probably she usually met visitors at the door."Sooo, I guess we wait for her, right? It gives us a minute to take in the scenery.""Well, smelling it doesn't take long. They did the scents like stick figures. I can tell what they are supposed to represent but they are not much like the real thing. Here it smells of 1-bensopyran-2-on, which I guess is supposed to represent grass. But it's ONLY that one substance.""Visitors and honoured guests, welcome. This place could never be complete without you. Follow me and I will show the place we have prepared for you."McCoy leaned over so he could whisper in Lily-Lee's ear when they walked. "Did you say Chekov coded this?" Lily-Lee nodded and McCoy pondered. Well, now I know what he likes. Not very shocking, I suppose. Makes me wonder why he did a two-player setting, though."Honoured guests, take your seat on this accubita and tell us what you desire."Lily-Lee was quick with her answer, she had obviously thought this one through beforehand."Please send away all the men. They can go and pick flowers to make wreaths or something. Remove all clothes and trinkets, armbands and things. Have a seat on the floor, all of you. I'd like you to watch, okay?"The roman women did as they were asked, with many complicated moves. Taking off a finger ring was a drawn-out striptease act and they helped each other with everything, always on the verge of falling into passionate lovemaking amongst themselves. Lily-Lee was helping them with the undressing to hurry things on. McCoy was watching but remained seated on the accubita. It was pretty convincing the first time, but to see them become so overexcited from taking off their headbands looks a bit silly. What did I get myself into this time? And what, exactly, does she expect me to do here? It's just a simulation meant for watching and masturbating to, there is no way this prototype could include tactile interaction. Not INTIMATE tactile interaction anyway.When the undressing finally was finished, Lily-Lee urged them to sit down and then she came up and sat in McCoy's lap. Oh hell, she's serious! But Lily-Lee frowned and jumped down again."It's not right yet. You can't just sit and stare at us, you need to be busy with something and just slightly watching. Is there anything you can do? Filing your nails, braiding your hair, eating some fruit perhaps?" She turned to McCoy. "At home most of them would be busy with their children but I checked and there are no child characters in the program."
Well, thank god for small blessings.
Lily-Lee came back and sat in his lap again. Okay, time to be the gentleman I claimed to be and do something for her. We're NOT having intercourse, that's not negotiable. I suppose I have to get creative. But she was just sitting still, not making any advances or even touching him."Um, Lily-Lee? Anything wrong?""Well, it's sort of . . . OH PHEW! MY NOSE!" The woman to their left had started to eat an orange from the fruit bowl and the whole air smelled strongly like orange peel. Lily-Lee stuck all four fingers on her left hand up her nose to block it. "That's nasty! It's nothing but octyl acetate, but plenty of it. Maybe we should just go." Lily-Lee started to walk back across the field. McCoy followed her."We don't have to walk back, we can call off the simulation.""Yes, I suppose you're right. You can . . . what is THAT?" Across the hill came a merry company of ten men, carrying wreaths. Plenty of wreaths. An overabundance of wreaths. In fact, it was hard to even see the men under all the flowers they were carrying. McCoy and Lily-Lee laughed together."The holodeck was not what I had hoped for, but thank you for accompanying me anyway. It was very gentlemanly of you.""I guess it was a bit buggy outdoors, huh? I tell you, I'd prefer real bugs any day." Much to McCoy's surprise, this overused old pun made Lily-Lee laugh even more, so much that she had to wipe her eyes with her sleeves. The simulation was shut down and McCoy pushed a button to eject the memory disc. "You have a nice laugh. And I like it when someone appreciates my old gags.""They are all new to me. I think I'll try and see if I have learned enough to make some gags of my own."The door opened and McCoy saw Chekov standing in the corridor outside, eager to retrieve the disc before it got into the wrong hands. McCoy handed it to him while still talking to Lily-Lee. "Well, you can try it on me sometime.""What, you want me to gag you?" Lily-Lee looked up at him with raised eyebrows. Chekov blushed as he took the disc from McCoy, and walked away quickly."Chekov, wait one goddamn minute! It's not what it sounds like!""None ov my business, sir!" was Chekovs reply from far down the corridor. McCoy hid his face in his hands. How do I always get myself into situations like this? He turned to Lily-Lee and sighed."If you want to learn the language, I should tell you that what you said can be misinterpreted.""Oh, I know." She gave him a smack on the butt and walked away.–***–