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Kaworu knocked at the door, smiling. Finally, everyone made it to Australia safely, and not missing any limbs. Shinji slumped against the apartment, waiting for their host party to open the door. According to Stuart, staying in some dumb shit's house was better than staying in some dumb shit hotel. Yet, it had been an hour, and no one had answered the door. "Alright, what the hell Stuart? You said they'd be here!" Shinji exclaimed, flinging his arms. "Please shut up shitstick, I'm sure they'll be here." "Yeah, like I'm believing that load of baloney! I'm going in!" Kaworu pulled Shinji's arm back. "Wait mate! You've got to be patient!" Shinji inhaled a sharp breath, looking down. "Kaworu, I've sat on a plane for 9 hours, ate only expired peanuts, and sat next to you imbeciles. I want to take a shit, and you will not stop me." With that, Shinji shook Kaworu's pasty hand off, and attempted to kick the door open. "Eren." Shinji called, snapping his fingers. Eren picked himself up from the ground, and head-butted the door open. Stuart shrieked and quickly shut the door. "What the fuck, Stuart?" Shinji said, crossing his arms. "I'm willing to let Eren bust the door open with his head again, but I don't think he can spare any more brain cells." Stuart took a deep breath. "I forgot to mention something to you guys. I did mention these guys were buddies of mine from college right?" The group shook their heads. Kaworu looked perplexed. "You went to college?" "Yeah well anyways. These guys are really cool and I don't need y'all fucking up my street cred by being fucking weird around them." "How the fuck are we weird??" Shinji yelled, holding Eren like a battering ram just in case. "Just BE COOL!" and with that, Stuart reopened the door. Tons of weed smoke exited the apartment and in front of the Gang sat 6 clowns, all who looked like Ronald McDonald except with dreadlocks. They were gathered around a giant bong. Shinji coughed and sputtered, waving his hand around the smoke. "Stuart, who the fuck are these guys?" One clown choked, and spit up a hairball of rainbow strands. "Shit, mom, knock first!" "Ginger! It's me, Stuart! Remember?" Ginger choked and began sputtering, before heaving up vomit. "Shit boy! You're the one who set my car on fire!" Another clown turned around, rubbing his red eyes. "So there's the fuckboy, the piece of shit has arrived." He honked his red nose, only for shit to blast out. "Fuck you Juicy! Fuck you Ginger! Fucking Ronald McDonald wannabe pieces of stoner shit! Fuck you!" Stuart sputtered. The room was still, silent for a moment. Everyone's eyes darted around making brief contact with each other. Ginger and Juicy made eye contact with Stuart, and everyone began to sweat with anticipation. Kaworu wasn't sure he could take witnessing another murder. Not after last time. Never again. Juicy stood. Shinji clenched. Eren shit himself. "Stuart! Fuck boy I missed you so much!" Juicy stood and ran toward the mouse. "Fuck Juicy I missed you too!" Stuart ran toward Juicy, and the two embraced, tears falling freely and sweetly. "Oh God I promised myself I wouldn't cry!" Ginger exclaimed, joining in on the hug. Kaworu took a step forward, hanky patting his eyes dry, wanting to join in on the hug as well, but Shinji's arm shot out and slapped him in the pasty chest. The sound reverberated off the walls, and Shinji slowly shook his head at the Australian boy. "Aw mate," Kaworu frowned. Wiping his tears with his gloved hands, Ginger turned to look at Stuart's companions. "And who are these chaps mate? Slags?" Stuart looked nervously at his friends. Shinji was wearing the same clothes he had worn everyday, plus a fannypack. Kaworu was wearing wet swim shorts, and he didn't want to know how or why they were wet. And Eren was lying on the ground, licking ants off the floor. "I actually have no idea Ginger, they followed me in here." Juicy rubbed his greasy hands together, chuckling."You remember what we do to outsiders, right Stu? Back in college." Ginger pulled out handcuffs and duct tape. "It's been 14 years mate, it's time for another round." Stuart screamed. "NO YOU CLOWNS! Not everyone is as open minded as the people we went to college with." Stuart briefly wondered why he was actually giving a shit what happened to the group of idiots standing behind him. Oh right, he didn't! But he did need a way home and he knew if he stayed longer than a week with Juicy someone would end up dead. Probably him. "OKAY... Okay. These guys are my...fff...rr...frriendssss..." Stuart gave himself a hernia forcing out the word "friends". Eren put his thumbs through his belt loops and hiked his pants up to his nipples, and then waved to the clowns. "We're in a band." "Same old Stuart Little," Antonio the 7 foot tall clown muttered. "Shut the fuck up Antonio. You don't know me. You don't know my LIFE." Ginger was extremely pissed off, but nobody could really tell because of his happy looking face paint. His face said "smile!" but his eyes screamed murder. He slowly put his handcuffs and duct tape away. "Fine. I'll show you guys to your rooms." The rest of the gang followed Ginger, while Stuart conversed with Antonio and Juicy in the living room. It took Shinji awhile to realize they were going down a set of stairs, into a dark hallway. "Hey, uh, excuse me Mr. Ginger?" Ginger turned around slowly, now holding a lantern. "What is it son?" Shinji began sweating, the shadows contouring the clown's face only made him more menacing like. "Uh, just where exactly are these rooms?" A smile spread on Ginger's red painted lips, from ear to ear. "Somewhere fun, reaaal fun. And secluded, and-" "What's up guys!" Stuart was perched on Eren's shoulder, eating a cracker. Ginger almost dropped the lantern, eyes going wide. "O-Oh Stuart! Where did you come from? I was just, uh showing them the caverns." Stuart nodded, "I know. Hey Eren you mind putting me down? I gotta find the can, I have to pee like a fucking Russian race horse. shit boy!" Ginger carefully wiped the sweat off his forehead, being extra delicate so as to not ruin his face paint. "Yeah buddy it's upstairs, you just walk past Lil Jon IV's room and take a left. If you make it to Billy Bob's room you've gone too far." "Thanks bro!" Stuart said, and made his way back upstairs. "Alright," Ginger said, his evil grin returning. "Where were we?" "Well mate you were showing us where are rooms were. And please hurry up ya decorated wallaby, I'm tired and I think Eren shit himself again." Ginger nodded. "Don't worry. We've almost reached your destination." "Why does this guy talk so fucking weird," Shinji whispered to Kaworu. Kaworu shook his head. "Aussie's are real friendly! What can I tell ya!" Shinji had a grave expression on his face. Something felt very wrong here. Something was very, very wrong here. "Ginger, why is there all these abstract nude paintings of you on the walls?" Kaworu's eyes hadn't left the walls the whole walk there. Eren was gone. Ignored and also extremely disturbed, Shinji followed the clown down the spiderwebbed path. Finally they reached Ginger's destination: their rooms. Ginger quickly ushered them inside a dark room, and shut the door behind them. "Oi mate!! Sure is fuking dark in 'ere eh? How bout we give one of them old switches a flip?" Kaworu said. Ginger flipped the rooms switch, illuminating the entire room in light. Shinji let out an ear piercing scream as he witnessed the horror that surrounded him. The room was filled top to bottom with Spice Girls merchandise, everything from the posters on the walls to the blankets on the bed featured either one or all Spice Girls on them. There was not one inch of clean wall space. "ALRIGHT!! I LOVE IT!" Kaworu squealed, diving onto one of the beds and spooning a Sporty Spice body pillow. "What the fuck??" Shinji said to Ginger, his facing turning in pure disgust. "What the fuck is this you... monster!" Ginger furrowed his brow and shrugged. "Chill bro... I went through a phase, okay?" Ginger turned to Kaworu. "What the fuck is his damage?" Kaworu hugged the pillow tighter. "Don't mind him, he had a bad run in with one of the Spice Girls awhile back. But honestly mate he's blowing it out of proportion and he needs to get over it." Shinji crossed his arms in anger. "Posh Spice slept with my prom date." Ginger whistled and rolled his eyes. "I give a shit. The sooner this wedding is over with the sooner you guys can get the hell out of my house." Eren crawled behind Ginger, and gave him a hug from the back. Ginger's eyes widened, and stabbed the unknown man behind him with his pocket knife. "Holy shit! What the hell bro?" Shinji yelled, running to Eren's unneeded aid. Ginger realized his attacker was just Eren, but felt no remorse. "You don't know how many people have tried to kill me on the streets mate. I did what had to be done." he explained grimly, wiping his knife off. As Eren lay bleeding on the floor, Ginger, eyes soulless and glossed over, turned around slowly and returned upstairs to his clown clan. "Oh my god! Eren are you okay?" Shinji cried, now holding Eren in his arms. Kaworu rolled his eyes and quickly slapped a bandaid on Eren's gaping wound. "There! Now he's all better!" He ran a hand through his hair. "Now about my fathers wedding. This wallaby he's marrying is apparently really important to him so we need this to go over smoothly alright?" Eren and Shinji nodded. "Okay Kaworu, I get you're Australian and all, but calling a woman a 'wallaby' is a little demeaning don't you think?" Shinji questioned. "No mate... she is literally a wallaby. A giant 6 foot tall wallaby." "Right on," Eren said weakly Shinji tried to smile, but the image of a six foot wallaby and whatever Kaworu's father looked like together was scaring him. Eren passed out in his arms, and to outisders, the two could be seen as Madonna and Child. "Well mates, it's toime to catch some shut eye! We've got a might big day ahead e' us!" Kaworu yawned, climbing into the Baby Spice decorated bed. "Like what?" asked Shinji, forgetting to tend to Eren's heavily bleeding wound. "Well, we ought to go sight seeing!" he yawned, turning off the light. Shinji shrugged, patting some paper towels on Eren before building a makeshift bed on the ground. "Like hell they'll make me sleep in a Spice Girl bed," he grumbled, putting on his night mask. Soon they were all asleep, Kaworu in bed and Shinji and Eren spooning in a pool of blood. Shinji dreamt Kaworu would notice him, Kaworu dreamt that Dwayne Johnson would crash his fathers wedding and propose to him, and Eren dreamt that he didn't get stabbed by a clown with dreadlocks. Elsewhere, Stuart was gambling away all of Shinji's life savings at a local bar with Juicy. "Juicy I've been meanin' to ask ya pal, what are you and the crew doing in Australia? What the shit happened to you man?" Stuart inquired, chalking up his pool cue. He blew the blue dust off the tip and turned to his old friend. "I mean no offense, but you're white and you have fucking dreadlocks." Juicy sighed and leaned against his cue. "Well remember how back when we graduated Harvard Law School, we had like this outrageous amount of debt?" Stuart nodded, gazing into the distance. "Well I had to do... things... things I'm not proud of... in order to pay that off." "Oh shit boy you pimped yourself out too?" "No I became a clown you fuck! We all did. We were going to ask you to join as well but you had already ditched us, murdering people over pies and ritz crackers or some shit." "Allegedly." "Yeah anyways. Our traveling circus came down under, and then our driver was eaten by a bunch of cannibals and we've kinda been too stoned ever since to really care and try and leave." The two were silent for a moment, and relished the peace while it lasted. --- Kaworu awoke from his peaceful slumber around 7am, and began his morning stretches. Shinji was still asleep, still crusty from Eren's dried blood. Eren, however, was nowhere to be found. Kaworu hopped out of bed and slapped on his favorite swim trunks and sunglasses, placed his straw billabong hat on his head, and dipped his nose into a container of sunscreen. He was ready to fucking party. "Get up ya lazy dingo! We got ourselves a right fun day ahead of us!!" Shinji groaned and rolled over onto his back and opened his eyes. He saw Kaworu staring at him straight in the face. Shinji screamed. "Fuck! why do you look like that? You almost gave me a stroke." "Wot, this?" Kaworu said, pointing to his face "Well I've had it as long as I can remember." "Hey where's Eren?" Shinji said, frantically glossing across the room. Kaworu shrugged and began applying sunscreen to his elbows. "Who cares what the little joey is doing or where he is. He probably went out into the jungle where he belongs. BUT CMON! I have so much Australian stuff I wanna show ya mate!" he grabbed Shinji's crusty hand and began pulling him out the door, causing Shinji to forget all about Eren. -------- Meanwhile, Steve Buscemi and Maury walked into their lair, also know as Maury's aunt's basement. Slamming the door, Steve yanked off his furry wallaby mask, clenching it in his fist. "I swear to fucking GOD, if I have to go through one more fucking cummies, I will shove my legs into my ass." Maury sighed, rubbing his temples. "Steve, chillax. Think about our plan. Our goal. Our revenge." he said, placing a hand on Steve's shoulder. Steve pulled away, sulking. "This is fucking gay Maury. Gay like Shinji and his nerd friends. How the fuck exactly are we going to kill them at a wedding?" Maury rolled his eyes, plopping himself on the ratty coach. "We went over this Steve. Once you say 'I do', I get this gun," he pulled the shotgun from his pocket, loading it. "I shoot them. Simple." Steve zipped off his fursuit, stomping on it. "Dumbass! Do you want 1298 people to watch you murder a bunch of kids!" Maury paused, setting down his glass of root beer. "Wait a sec, you mean the guy actually has friends he's inviting to this thing besides Kaworu and co?" Steve let out a heavy, angry sigh. "I've been dating this guy. Wearing this fursuit. For 3 YEARS!" Steve began to step toward Maury, who took a step backward. Sweat began to form on his forehead. "You told me Povich. You told me that it would all pay off. That you had an amazing plan and all I had to do was become a fucking furry. And all you were going to do-" Steve backed Maury against the wall "-was SHOOT them??" Maury let out a nervous chuckle, sweat pouring off of him now. He pulled at his collar. "Well uh.. When you put it like that boss-" WHAP! Steve smacked Maury hard across the face, sending him spiraling to the floor and into a puddle of his own sweat. Steve quickly turned and put his fursuit back on, zipping it up in a menacing fashion. "Well the damage is done," Steve said grimly. "My spirit is broken. I'll see you at the wedding." Maury rubbed his cheek tenderly. "I won't let you down." -------- Choking, Eren climbed out of the manhole, smelling of a overheated sewer. He was determined to find the bathroom, even if it meant wrestling the alligator. Putting his hands around his eyes as binoculars, Eren scanned the area for Shinji. Who was not there. Snapping his fingers, Eren climbed back down, hoping to find his brother. ---- Shinji adjusted his fanny pack, holding out a map of Australia. "Kaworu, I think the kangaroos are in the outback, not in the middle of Sydney." Kaworu chuckled, patting Shinji's back. "You silly Americans! Who told you that rubbish? A, what are they called in the west again, a book?" "I'm Japanese asshat. And no, I'm just taking, I don't know, a wild fucking guess." Ignoring him, the grey haired youth walked with stride in the bustling streets of Melbourne, feeling at home. Shinji felt extremely salty. "Look Shinji, I was born out here! I grew up here! I think I know where I can find a stinkin' kanga!" He popped his finger into his mouth for a moment, and then raised it into the air. He shivered. "Ah yes." he said, lowering his wet finger and wiping it onto Shinji's back. He narrowed his eyes. "They're near." --- Juicy, dazed and hungover, woke Stuart up with a shake. "Stuart... It's like 2 in the afternoon. I think we slept in."Stuart jolted upright, then snapped his head to face Juicy. "SHIT!" he yelled, "Aw shit."Juicy grabbed his head, "Fuck dude stop yelling!""The Monkey Train." Stuart whispered, nervously nibbling a ritz cracker."They're not done. They're gonna find us. They're gonna kill us. Dude, we owe them so much mon-" Stuart looked up mid sentence only to find that Juicy had already gotten the fuck out of there."Well screw you too then Juicy! I hope they find you first then!" Stuart raced out of the apartment, his cracker long forgotten. He had to make $1000k in cash by sundown or his ass was going to be served on toast. "Fucking Juicy! Damn asslaugh!" he grimaced, as he tried to find the nearest bank to rob. Maybe Ginger would be willing to help a frat brother. This was his war as well. ----- Shinji ran into the bathroom, crossing his legs and jumping. He ran to the nearest open stall, and prepared himself to release a major shit. "Brother!" a happy voice cheered, right before he placed his pasty ass onto the porcelain throne. "FUCK! FUCK!" Shinji screamed, shitting himself. Eren's head was in the toilet, smiling. He looked up at Shinji, cocking his eyebrows."What are you doing in here?" "Me? What the fuck are YOU doing HERE??" he exclaimed, flinging his bony arms around. Eren shrugged playfully. "You act like you've never had your head sticking out of a toilet before." Shinji slowly shook his head while closing the toilet lid. He was not having this. Not now. Not ever. "Hey wait! wait! I'm coming out! Shinji wait!" Shinji continued to close the lid. Block out the screams Shinji, just like father. Just then a giant fucking kangaroo burst through the bathroom wall, knocking bricks and shit all over the place. Kaworu was sitting in her pouch, munching some beef jerky. Shinji shit himself for the second time that day. "I told yA mate! I told ya these buggers lived in Sydney! Now grab that little Joey out of the toilet before he drowns, hop in me pouch and let's hit the town!" Stuart popped up beside Kaworu, eating eucalyptus leaves. "Make this bitch go to Bank of America. Stat.""You little twat, this is Australia, not America mate!"Shinji opened his fanny pack, taking out a bottle of vodka. It was going to be a long day. Eren climbed out of the toilet, dripping in water. Much like a dog, he shook himself off, and grabbed Shinji. Unnerved, the smaller simply unscrewed his bottle and chugged away his life."Let's go to Dad's house!" Eren cheered, climbing on the kangaroo. Kaworu grabbed the reins of the kangaroo, and with the whole gang now situated in the poor marsupials pouch, they headed off to prepare for the Australian's dad's wedding. --- "Here's the photos you wanted, boss." Ginger said, throwing 5 Polaroids onto a large wooden desk. The room was dimly lit, filled with cigar smoke and smooth jazz was quietly playing in the distance. The dark and mysterious figure behind the desk slowly scanned the photos. He took a drag of his cigar and slowly blew the smoke out into Ginger's face. "Stuart and Juicy are still alive." Ginger gulped. "Ah yes, sir, they are. Uh, they escaped before my guys could finish the job. I'm sorry." "Ginger, Ginger, Ginger," the man said, opening a drawer in his desk and rifling around. "You've failed me." "No sir, I promise I can do this. Let me take care of them myself." The man took out a gun and cocked it. "I've been waiting too long for this money. And you've taught me that if I want something done, I have to do it myself." He lifted the gun and shot Ginger in the chest, killing him. The man stepped forward into the light, revealing himself. It was Bob Saget, AKA Monkey Train.