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It's a bright and clear morning in New York, and on the 50th floor of General Electric's subsidiary company's head office, 'SeeDee', a company that designs innovative see-through dishwashers (Jack: 'See. Dee. D for dishes; you can SEE the dishes! It's perfect!'), Jack Donaghy is bent over his large and suitably imposing mahogany desk. On this particular morning he has already spent three hours dealing with a series of unfortunate communication mix-ups involving several music retailers wishing to purchase stock, as well as one irate and slightly mis-informed evangelical religious sect who've chosen to protest outside the front door of the building, because some character within their ranks chose to believe GE is now funding the adult film industry. Their placards read, 'GOD HATES YOUR SEEDEE FILMS! HE WANTS TO SEEDEM GONE!'
Jack rubs his clean-shaven chin distractedly and sighs. Not since TGS existed has he had to deal with such a myriad of idiots in one sitting. As if reading his thoughts, the phone rings. Jack frowns at the interruption and picks it up:
'Jack Donaghy.'
'Mr Donaghy! It's Kenneth! Er, sorry sir...' There's a slightly awkward pause on the line as Kenneth readjusts his tone to one that's more serious, 'It's Mr Parcell, CEO of NBC.'
'Kenneth! It's good to hear that you're still grasping that horse firmly by the reins.'
'Thank you sir! But NBC doesn't really allow animals into the building, especially horses and they'd probably get stuck in corridors and the such-like anyway. Although it would save a heck load of time getting from the first floor all the way up here. Boy, if old Grandpa Parcell were to see me now he'd say I had almost risen as high as the angels themselves! Although HE usually was. High, I mean. On home made Applejack.'
The sound of Kenneth drawing in a much-needed breath to continue gives Jack an opening to interrupt, 'I see. I meant... Never mind. To what do I owe this pleasure, Kenneth?'
'Oh! I am sorry, sir. Ever since I became CEO, my brain whirs around so fast, sometimes I can't get a pig's snort in a slop trough out of it! Well. Sir...'
'You don't have to call me sir anymore Kenneth. We are, after all, now, technically...' Jack sighs and shifts uncomfortably in his expensive suit jacket, 'equals.' The moment he's said it, he can see in his mind's eye Kenneth's face screwing up into an expression that reads both deep thought and bewilderment.There's another awkward pause on the line, 'Oh. Well, yes sir. I mean, of course Mr Donaghy. I mean, ok Jack. No, that's much too... Mr Donaghy. Oh, my.'
Jack gazes, dead-pan, at his desk, and purses his lips, as if bracing himself against some internal force. 'Kenneth.'
'I'm calling about Miss Lemon, sir.' Kenneth gives a short chuckle and then snorts in derision, 'Miss Lemon! Imagine, a woman getting married and then KEEPING her maiden name! Why, that's as crazy as the time the mayor of Stone Mountain, Mayor Fuzzywiggles, ate his own trousers after he won the election third time in a row! I mean, I guess he was a cat. And his trousers were made of rabbit meat, so...'
Jack runs his hand through his hair impatiently, 'Kenneth, need I remind you that I am a very busy man? I have 32 protestors downstairs shouting about non-existent adult film content and an order for two hundred thousand CDs to reject. In addition, we are only two days away from launching our new SeeDee dishwasher, The Blusterizer: your washing up is its perfect storm.' He inhales strongly through his nose, 'WHAT is wrong with Lemon?'
'Oh, well nothing EXACTLY, sir. I mean, Mr Donaghy. It's only that she keeps turning up at my office to... complain.'
'That's what Liz Lemon generally does. Complaining about what?'
'Weelll, our new show, Grizz and Herz's ratings are reassuringly high this season, but it's mainly because people just love that hilarious dog! The other day, on the show, Grizz gave him a leftover chicken bone, and he said,' Kenneth begins to crack up laughing, 'He said, "What do you think I am? A CAT?!"' Kenneth loses it completely and fizzes with hilarity for approximately a minute before regaining control, 'But the thing is, Mr Donaghy, he's really the only thing people watch the show for and Grizz is unhappy because - and between you and me he's become a BIT of a difficult customer, if you catch my drift - because the dog gets a bigger dressing room than he does. And a bigger fee. And better costumes. And Miss Lemon thinks NBC shouldn't be paying animals more than people, but I disagree. After all, that dog is BASICALLY a person! He sure is funnier! Also, back in Stone Mountain, I was brought up to believe that animals have great ideas too. How else would we have ever got our "Mayor Fuzzywiggles' mouse and cheese hairbrush town" playground?'
Jack somehow manages to distill all of this information into whatever point Kenneth is attempting to make. 'So let me get this straight: you're calling me, the head of a highly innovative dishwasher company, who no longer works directly for NBC, to tell me about employees, who I have no jurisdiction over, and ask me to do... What, exactly?'
There's a hesitation on the other end of line that implies that Kenneth possibly hasn't considered Jack's point up until now. 'Oh. I was hoping you could tell me how to ask, no, how to MAKE Miss Lemon leave.'
Finally, a problem today that Jack can actually confidently solve. He leans forward in his leather chair and prepares to do what he does best: mentor. 'Listen carefully Kenneth, I'm going to tell you how to work Liz Lemon.' He can almost see Kenneth's face falling neatly into it's natural expression of earnest compliance. 'Tell Lemon that the dog is an equal employee of NBC to the rest of the show's talent. She will then probably make her mean, squinty badger face at you, which you should ignore. She'll try to scare you into submission by being a woman at you, but you will resist. Got that?'
'Yes sir'
'You'll then tell her that under the United States law and as an employee of NBC, that dog deserves the same rights as Grizz and all the other stars of the show, and by denying him the same basic human rights, she would in fact be going against the words and laws of the constitution itself. She's likely to squirm in her ethically sourced and slightly manly shoes at you, but all you need to do to finish it off is offer her a ham sandwich and she'll leave you alone. At least for an hour. And don't let her sing her Ham Song at you. It's... trying.'
Kenneth's problem thus solved - Liz Lemon always takes the ham sandwich bait - Jack internally congratulates himself and leans back in his chair as Kenneth showers him with relieved praise, 'If you don't mind me saying so sir, that's brilliant! Thank you! I will most certainly do that. I knew I could count on one of my BEST FRIENDS to help me out of a sticky situation!'
Jack clears his throat awkwardly, 'Well, I'd say we were probably more like... co-workers.'
This simply renders Kenneth completely over-joyed, 'Yes! Co-workers who are also BEST FRIENDS!'
'Well... if that's all, Kenneth.'
'Oh yes, of course. Sorry Mr Donaghy, us busy people should get back to being busy, eh?'
Jack is keen to get back to going through the details for the Blusterizer launch party - he is planning on creating an actual thunder storm in an exclusive Michelin starred New York restaurant, but the owners are concerned about their storm-damage insurance. He has Devon Banks on the case, but he can't be sure that the man won't try his usual tactics to steal all the glory. HIS beautiful dishwasher glory. However, he remembers one last thing, 'Oh, and Kenneth, tell Lemon that when she meets me at Frankio Giovanni Puccino's tomorrow night for dinner, she's not to wear her shoes that make her look like a Mexican lesbian.'
'YES sir!'