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Kaworu's eyes fluttered open. He was just waking up after a successful night of robbing the 2nd largest bank in Australia. At least, he thought it was a successful night. He was kind of hungover and there was definitely bite marks on his ass. Also, he was lying next to sewer drain. But it wasn't the first time something like this had happened it him. He was Australian after all. He sat up and surveyed his surroundings. Shinji and Eren were passed out with their faces down in the gutter, and Stuart was nowhere to be found.
Kaworu began to shake Shinji awake.
"Aye mate! Get up! My dads wedding is today and we smell like a dingo's undercarriage! And where's Stuart? I think he promised me some weed last night.""I give a shit," Shinji mumbled, and sat up. He looked like shit. "Stuart's probably out paying off monkey face, that's why we robbed the bank anyways.""Monkey Train.""I give a shit!"Just then Stuart hobbled over from around the corner. He looked shittier than usual.
"So Stuart, you pay off Monkey Train?""Oh FUCK!" Stuart said. "I forgot!""You FORGOT? What the FUCK did you spend that money on then??" Shinji yelled.
"Cocaine.""ALL OF THAT ON COCAINE?" Kaworu said, angered and hurt.
"Nah buddy I didn't forget you," Stuart said, chucking a small sandwich bag of weed at him. Kaworu breathed a sigh of relief and tore the bag open.
Eren slowly got up, rubbing the dirt from his eyes. He looked around, noticing Shinji staring at his crocs solemnly, and Kaworu sniffing a line of white power at an impressive speed. Stuart was drawing a dick on Juicy's forehead, snickering.
"Friends, the ceremony begins at precisely 3:00 pm. It is currently 12:00 pm. If we calculate this correctly, I can devise a plan for us to break into the Clown family's neighbors home. Considering we destroyed Juicy's pad, the only choice we have left is to use other resources."
Shinji placed a tiny hand on Eren's shoulder.
"We destroyed any other resource possible."Eren nodded, hugged his knees to his chest, and began to roll around the deserted alleyway.
"Kaworu! Stop fucking getting high on your dad's wedding day!" Shinji said, screaming in his friend's ear."Fuck you Shinji! Fuck you and your crocs!" Stuart yelled, standing over Juicy, who was just know waking up.
"Oh man," he said, dazed, rubbing his dreads. "Did we pay off Monkey Train?""No we spent it all on cocaine, remember?" Stuart said, admiring his drawing.
"Aw shit. Well, maybe Monkey Train forgot about us."
----Bob Saget took a long drag of his cigar, blowing the smoke out into his assistants face.
"The wedding is today?" He inquired, putting his cigar out.
"Yes it is, Mr. Monkey Train," his assistant, Tim McGraw said. "But uh, I reckon we went and lost em sir, yessir they're about as lost as an apple fritter on a hot Kansas mornin'!"Bob quickly stood and slapped Tim across the face, knocking his cowboy hat off.
"You're not here to amuse me with your southern ways Mr. McGraw. You're here because I was told you're the best assassin south of the Mississippi. And I want Stuart and Juicy dead, you hear me?" Bob was only mere inches from Tim's face, who was sweating profusely.
"Y-Yessir."Bob slowly sat back down.
"Good, and if Kaworu and his gay little butt buddies have to die too," he waved his hand, "so be it. That wallaby will be my wife McGraw," he picked a photo of Steve Buscemi in a wallaby fursuit up off his desk and admired it. "Yes she will."-------------Electrocuting himself 10 times in the process, Juicy managed to hot-wire their getaway car. With the engine purring, Kaworu and co-hopped in the vehicle."Well mates, I hope you're all ready to meet the Nagisa family. Oi'm quite sure you'll have a delightful time." Kaworu smiled, his eyes very red. Shinji stayed apathetic, very dead inside.Eren looked at the side view mirrors, and noticed 5 black cars tailing them."Guys! Look! I think someone's trying to-""Oh shut the fuck up already Eren! This is going to be the twentieth dog you've spotted on the damn road. Like I give a shit!" Shinji snapped, crossing his arms."No, really! Just look-" Eren pleaded, continually turning to look at the tinted cars. Kaworu only laughed, and Juicy was blasting Beyoncé's platinum album.With a sigh, Eren pulled out a AK-47, and began shooting at the tires. The cars pulled out their own guns, firing away.
"THE FUCK!" Shinji yelled, pulling out his earbuds. Mad World could be heard blasting through the tiny speakers.
"Oi mate! I knew I should've paid off those student loans!" Kaworu said, weaving in and out of traffic.
"No dipshit! I think it's Monkeyface!"
"MONKEY TRAIN!" Juicy and Stuart said in unison.
"WERE BEING SHOT AT DO YOU THINK I REALLY GIVE A FLYING FUCK!""Think, Stuart! Think!" Juicy said frantically. "How do we get out of this?""Uhh... Eren! Shoot that gas station when we drive by! It should explode or something right?"Eren nodded, and as McGraw and his minions passed the gas station, Eren shot at the pumps. Nothing happened.
"Well that's disappointing," Stuart said.
Shinji nodded. "Yeah I definitely expected an explosion or some-" BOOM! The gas station fucking exploded, and all of McGraw's black vehicles flew all over the place.
"HOLY SHIT!" Shinji yelled. Juicy and Stuart high-fived, and then Kaworu accidentally ran their station wagon into a fire hydrant.----Bob Saget watched the news, slowly petting his cat, Mittons.
"Gas Station Explosion! Bad burrito, or something more sinister?" The headline read.
"Dammit McGraw," Bob said, flicking the TV set off and swiveling his chair to face the charred man that now stood before him. "Did you want to end up LIKE THAT?" he pointed a bony finger at Ginger's clown costume he had hanging up on his wall.
"N-No sir. Give me one more chance to make things right. The gang is headed off to the wedding now. I can get em' there boss I just know I can!""One more chance," Bob said. He pushed a button on his desk and Tim fell through a trap door in the floor, and landed in the garbage 9 stories below.
"One more chance."-------Shinji knocked on the door of the mansion, looking like he just got out of a car accident. Because he did. Kaworu had never taken driver's ed, thus his parallel parking led to setting the car on fire. Eren barked back at the poodle that was at the window, angered. A tall man answered the door.
"Son, I'm glad you could make it to the wedding. I'd be a mackerel roasting on a Melbourne fire if you hadn't showed up chap!" the man greeted, with a heart warming smile.Kaworu smiled, and father and son embraced.
Shinji was at a loss for words. "Hulk Hogan?""Right good to meet my little manta ray's cumbersome playmates! There's biscuits inside." The Hulk smiled, gesturing the group inside.Shinji turned to whisper to Eren. "This is a load of fishpaste to me, buddy. Why the hell is Kaworu's dad Hulk fucking Hogan, and my dad's like Gordan Ramsey but with brown hair and 5x more chill?"
Shinji walked inside Hulk Hogan's home, staring at the family portraits that lined the halls. They left him feeling uncomfortable. "Kaworu, why is Mike Meyers in all of these photos of you and your dad?"Kaworu turned to face Shinji, a solemn and dark expression on his face.
"Mike Meyers was my mother, Shinji. You know. Before the accident." he didn't elaborate.
"Shinji you're kind of an asshole for bringing that up," Stuart said quietly as he walked past.
"Get IN this kitchen, brothers! Feast on my tasty treats!" Hulk Hogan yelled from the kitchen. Shinji placed his tiny hands on his hips as he walked into the kitchen.
"Hey, have any of you seen Eren?" he asked."Oh yeah son, he was already naked on my bathroom floor, sleeping. I thought, you know what, I have enough on my mind right now. I'm not messing with that."Shinji shrugged. That's really the only way Eren knew how to fall asleep these days, with aid from the delicate embrace of ice cold floor tiles.
With that, Mr. Hogan rang a bell, bringing everyone to the dinner table, as well as the soon to be Mrs. Hogan."Son, this is my fiancée, Nancy. And before you ask, she cannot talk, but as they say, actions mean more than words. And we've DEFINITELY made that statement true in the bedroom, eh Nancy?" the Hulk chuckled, elbowing the 7 foot wallaby.
Shinji, Stuart, and Kaworu proceeded to throw up in their mouths, as well as Steve in his fursuit."H-How did you meet such a lovely lady father?" Kaworu asked, pulling in his chair.
The Hulk swooned, with a loving look at "Nancy".
"It was at the Jonas Brothers concert's mosh pit. I'd never seen a woman in my 90 years of living mosh with such rawness. Oi'd knew roight then and there she was my soulmate."Eren, who was suddenly at the dinner table, smiled.
"That's beautiful, sir."Everyone nodded, eating solemnly. Shinji was waiting for someone to say something about Kaworu's dad marrying a marsupial, but no one made it evident. Taking matters in his own hands, he whipped out his phone under the table.
Shinji: Eren is it just me or is the unblinking giant wallaby fucking weird???Immediately, Shinji felt a vibration and saw the text notification.Eren: Don't be fucking rude. - XxBitchesizMySONSxXTaken aback, and surprised, at Eren's harshness, Shinji ate dinner solemnly.
Stuart finished his supper first, a lovely dinner of flavorless mashed potatoes, chicken, and sliced carrots. He put his feet up onto the table and began to pick at his teeth with a toothpick.
"Hey Nancy, you's marsupials have a pouch right? I always wanted to like, ride around in one, maybe take a nap or two. Hang out in one. I bet it feels warm, and safe, like a hug," He looked around to everyone eyeing him suspiciously.
"Uh I mean, you have a pouch to hide my fucking DRUGS in, right Nancy?" Stuart let out a nervous laugh and sunk into his seat.
Steve groaned inside the suit. Death almost seemed like a comfortable option at this point.
"Aoright gentleman!" Steve said in the worst girly Australian voice every heard.
"I have your outfits for the wedding in the back room, if Stuart, Kaworu, Shinji, and Eren would be so kind as to follow me, I'll be happy to show them to you!" The voice was happy, but the man inside the costume was dead inside.
"Can't I come dearest?" Hulk Hogan said with a wink. Steve turned his lifeless looking costume in Hulk's direction as the rest of the gang headed to the back.
"Oh no, love! I have a different surprise for you, but you'll have to wait!" He, of course, was referring to Hulk Hogans murder.
"Oh I see," Hulk said with another wink, and slapped 'Nancy' on the ass as he walked away. A single tear rolled down Steve's cheek. Maury was going to fucking pay.
Shinji, Eren, Kaworu, and Stuart all followed 'Nancy' to her room. Inside were four mannequins. Two were dresses, and the other two were tuxedos, one extremely small though. Shinji felt a nerve break. Eren was beaming.
"....Nancy, no disrespect, but who are the dresses for exactly?"Steve let out a hearty chuckle, then choked. Hardly any oxygen in that thing.
"You and Eren are my bridesmaids, of course. Kaworu here is best man, and Stuart is the ring bearer." Steve rubbed his hands, or paws, together menacingly, his venomous smile hidden behind a smiling fursuit.Shinji tried again. "Yeah, I get that. But why is Eren's dress," he flung his arms wildly at the beautiful gown."all amazing, and mine is like, fucking, shit?" Kaworu shook his head, hurt."That's focking rude mate. My mum wore this when she died."
Steve looked back and forth. Did they actually want to wear these? His planned reaction for them to be humiliated was slapped in the face.
Steve took a deep breath. He would figure out another way to humiliate them. Perhaps, he would spill punch on them! And then of course he would stab them multiple times.He laughed, 'Oh Steve,' he thought to himself 'you cunning bastard! What will you think of next?'"Nancy, what are you laughing about?" Eren asked.
"Uh, I was just thinking about how beautiful you two will look in your dresses! Why don't you go try them on!""Yeah!" Stuart snorted, eyeing Shinji's dress. "Go try them on!"Shinji rolled his eyes at Stuart as Eren grabbed his wrist and pulled him into the bathroom to try on their dresses.
When they emerged, Eren lit up the room with his beautiful dress, white lace with gold detailing.
Shinji's dress was another matter. It had poofy sleeves and was made out of purple cellophane. He was queen of 80's prom. Shinji smiled knowing Eren would probably throw up on his own dress by the end of the ceremony, thus making him the most beautiful."Holy shit Shinji!" Stuart yelled suddenly, standing behind him. "There's a giant fucking spider on your back!" he lied.
"What the fuck!" Shinji cried. "Get it off!!"
Stuart jumped up and slapped Shinji on the back.
"Okay, it's gone!" Stuart said, returning the the group.
Not trusting of the small rodent, Shinji turned around and faced his back toward the group.
"Is it really gone?"
The group looked to find that Shinji was now sporting a "I eat dicks!" sign on his back.
"Yeah, it's gone," the group said in unison.
Eren admired himself in the mirror, twirling around. Shinji took a seat at a vanity, trying to do something with his hair. The options were limited.
Kaworu immediately wanted to take his suit off. Stuart wondered why his suit didn't come with pants, but didn't question it.
"Well boys, I'm just gonna go and. Put on my dress." Steve managed say, too excited to form words. They needed to execute this plan quick, too much time had been wasted.Kaworu raised an eyebrow. "Something's wrong here mate. Something real fishy."Shinji nodded grimly. "You mean how there was a shitload of tacks glued to me and Eren's high heels and the dart boards that have our faces?""Naur, I was thinking of how usually around this point when we do shit, you're crying!" Kaworu laughed.-----The gang arrived to the wedding over 2 hours late. Most of the guests had either left or were passed out drunk in the lawn of the church.
"Well sugar booger, it's now or never!" Hulk Hogan said to Nancy, rubbing his nose against hers. Steve recoiled within the suit. Eren threw up on his dress, and then turned and threw up directly on Shinji.
"God dammit Eren what the fuck!" Shinji said in horror. His dreams of being the most beautiful were crushed."I fucking told you not to eat those rotten strawberries!"Kaworu placed his large yaoi hands on Shinji's shoulders.
"Aw mate that's a shame. But listen, oi got a fresh set a clothes in the trunk of the car for you two. I brought them because I wanted to do costume changes in between events but what the fuck! You guys can wear 'em!"Kaworu jogged over to the back of the car and opened the trunk, pulling out two tropical themed bowling shirts and two lime green swim trunks. He whipped them at 78 mph at Shinji and Eren, knocking them both over.
"Olright! Try those on for size!""Aw for fucks sake!" Stuart said. "Juicy's fucking passed out on the lawn! Juicy wake the fuck up!" He kicked his tiny leg at Juicy's head.
Just then, the ground began to shake. The sound of 500 motorcycles approaching filled the air.Juicy immediately sat up and gulped.
"They're here."The motorcycles pulled up in front of the church, and the leader got off his bike and pulled off his helmet, his long hair blowing in the wind.
"TIM MCGRAW!" Stuart exclaimed.
"Stuart," Tim said, pulling out his gun and aiming at the mouse. "long time no see!"Pulling up his silky dress, attacked to Eren's thigh was a MFA1 Carbine. In less than a second, the boy had it in his arms and ready to fire. With an angry glint in his eye, he stood in front of his friends.
"Everyone. Run inside the chapel. Except for you Shinji. This wedding will happen, or so help me."Everyone immediately scrambled up and ran, Shinji's jaw still hung open.
Steve was pissing in his suit, Maury never said this was in the plan!"Eren, why? You gotta save yourself!!! How the hell did you get that anyway?" Shinji questioned, frightened.
"There's a katana taped inside your dress. Get it right now." Eren's eyes continued to be in lock with Tim Mcgraw, both aiming at each other.In awe, Shinji pulled out the sword.
"Holy shit...how the fuck did you even-""Shinji, this is our job. To make this wedding happen. We are bridesmaids. This is for Nancy. For Kaworu. FOR OUR FRIENDS!" With that final shout, Eren began firing away.Tim McGraw's evil henchmen were no match for Eren's powerful bullets. One by one they were killed as Eren mercilessly eradicated them all, cackling evilly as he did so. Stuart and Kaworu stood with their mouths hanging open, and Hulk Hogan had passed out.
Soon only Tim McGraw was left. He stood unfazed amidst the sea of dead bodies.
"FUCK THIS!" Steve said, at that moment finally deciding that enough was enough and that he should perhaps try a different plan. He tried to run away but tripped over Hulk Hogan, face planted into the ground and knocked himself out.
Tim slowly clapped, applauding Eren's efforts at stopping him.
"Impressive," he started.
"But now it's my turn.""I don't think so!" Eren said, and aimed his gun at Tim's face.
click.
out of bullets.
"AW GOD DAMMIT!" Shinji yelled, uselessly standing in the background with a big ass sword in his tiny hands.
"Shinji it's up to you mate!!" Kaworu yelled from the sidelines.
Shinji's eyes widened as he looked back and forth from Eren to Tim, wondering what would happen next.
Tim fired.
Eren fell down silently, bleeding onto the street.
"HEY WHAT THE FUCK!" Shinji yelled, and launched his katana at Tim's face, puncturing him right in the eyeball.
"OW! OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK MAN? WHO FUCKING STABS SOMEONE IN THE EYE?""You fucking! You shot my friend you asshole!" Shinji yelled, running to Eren's aid.
"And you think that means you can just stab me in the EYE?""Oh for god's sake," Stuart mumbled, pulling a glock out of his pants. He killed Tim McGraw. Finally.Another tall, dark figure stepped from the shadows, clapping slowly.
"Well, well, well. It seems Timmy couldn't do the job, but you, Stuart Little, did the dirty work for me. I have to hand it to you, I'm impressed." Bob Saget said, stepping over Tim McGraw's lifeless body."A lot of impressions have been made tonight, am I roight mate?" Kaworu nervously chuckled, looking around the room. No one laughed.Bob narrowed his eyes at him, but brought his glare back to Stuart."Even so, killing one of my men who failed me isn't going to save your patheitc ass this time, Little."Suddenly, multiple choppers appeared in the sky, dropping men holding weapons. Maury was one of them."Prepare to die, Shinji and..Er..en.." Maury said slowly, noticing a seemingly already dead Eren."Well fuck."
Once all his men dropped to the ground, the awkward moment of seeing another gang's henchmen dead on the ground, as well as another assassin, had been unveiled."Well, this is unexpected. But Steve dude, that entrance was pretty cool, am I right?""Wait, Maury, you mean Bob isn't with our plan?"Bob raised an eyebrow. "What plan are we talking about? Stuart Little and Juicy the Clown are on my to-kill list? And you two?""Well, his two friends Shinji and Eren were who we wanted to kill, actually.." Maury explained slowly.
Both parties were silent for a moment, before erupting with laughter."No way! This is too great!""Honestly! Wow, the world works wonders doesn't it?"
Bob and Maury continued to laugh at their good fortune for a few moments. In fact, the laughing probably went on too long. Everyone was beginning to feel uncomfortable, and Maury forgot what he was even laughing about.
Saget took a deep breath and wiped a tear from his eye.
"Why does Nancy sound like Steve Buscemi?" Shinji finally asked, somehow being the first to notice that Steve started talking in his normal voice again.
"Well shit guys, cats out of the bag!" Steve said, picking himself up off the ground and standing up straight. Slowly he began to unzip his fursuit. Shinji let out a high pitched yelp upon seeing what he thought was a Wallaby unzip it's skin. He passed out onto Eren, who proceeded to bleed all over him. Steve ignored Shinji's drama and stepped out of the fursuit.
Bob's eyes were wide with shock. He came to kill a rat and his clown friend and was instead witnessing a grown man emerge sweaty from the inside of a fursuit.
"My...love...is Steve Buscemi?" Bob stuttered, taking a step back. His hands were shaking, dropping his gun.
Maury scratched his head. "Yeah, Nancy is actually my best friend Steve. I followed a tutorial on deviantArt and made the suit myself!"Bob dropped to his knees, and began sobbing. His fursona needs would not be fulfilled. Steve was extremely uncomfortable at this point.
Eren began coughing blood into Shinji's face excessively.
"Gross dude what the fuck! Wait- Eren you're alive!" Shinji grabbed his near-dead friend and squeezed him, breaking his ribs again."Yes, I have unfinished business."
Bob stood back up.
"You have deceived me," he said slowly, pointing his gun at Buscemi. Steve put his hands up defensively."What the fuck man I don't even know who you are!""I've been keeping tabs on Nancy," He shuddered suddenly, "that beautiful anthropomorphic marsupial, for years now. Learning about her. I wanted to make her mine. And now I find out that she's ... she's... THIS?!" he gestured to Steve Buscemi with his gun.
"Hey what the fuck man, I have feelings you know.""Not for long," Bob said, throwing his head back in laughter. He cocked his gun, and began to pull the trigger.
A shot was heard. Steve screamed. Bob fell dead to the ground, revealing Eren, holding a nerf gun in his hands.
"Holy shit mate!! Did you just kill him with a fucking nerf gun?" Kaworu said, amazed at the boys skill.
"What? What the fuck no? I just shot him you dumbass!" Maury said, standing off to the sidelines holding a real gun.
"Eren!" Shinji yelled. "I thought you said you had unfinished business!""I did! I needed to buy a nerf gun."Eren pointed his gun at Shinji and shot him, the styrofoam bullet bouncing off of his unamused face.
Sighing, he looked around. "Well, what the fuck now?"Kaworu and Stuart shrugged their shoulders.
Eren was busy playing with his Nerf gun."Now it's time for you ALL to die!" Maury laughed, reloading his gun. Steve chuckled along, rubbing his sweaty hands together.
"What the hell dude I thought you were on our side?" Stuart said, baffled.
"Uh, uncorrect. I killed Bob for STEVE. Not you sacks of shit." Maury stated.Suddenly, the Hulk and Dwayne blasted through the church wall, the debris flew around the group. They were wrestling while wearing tuxedos.
Dwayne and Hulk stopped wrestling and composed themselves, wiping debris off of each other.
"Daddy!" Kaworu shouted, running toward Hulk Hogan with his arms outstretched. Hulk smiled wide, throwing his arms out waiting for his only son's warm embrace.Instead Kaworu ran right past him and threw his arms around Dwayne, who let out an uncomfortable laugh.
"You're going DOWN brother!!" Hulk shouted at Steve Buscemi, thrusting a giant sausage finger in his direction.
"Look man, I'm sorry I deceived you, sacrifices had to be made," he looked into the distance suddenly, as if remembering something horrible. He closed his eyes slowly. "Sacrifices had to be made.""What?" Hulk said, laughing. "You didn't deceive me! I knew you weren't actually a wallaby! What kind of sick fuck do you think I am!!"Steves mouth hung open.
"You knew.... for years you knew...""Chyeah, you had a big zipper hanging out of you the whole time""Ha ha! I knew too!" Shinji shouted suddenly, before recoiling after drawing too much attention to himself. He didn't really know.
"Anyways," Hulk stated, turning his attention back to Steve. "You tried to kill my son. For that you must die!""Hey what about us! He tried to kill us too!" Stuart said, referring to him, Shinji, and Eren.
"Yeah I don't really give a fuck about you guys."Hurt, Stuart took a step back. "Well, shit dude. I'll just go fuck myself then."Hulk turned his back on the mouse and his companions, facing his opponents.
Steve and Maury shit themselves instantly. Shinji, Eren, and Stuart hid behind Kaworu.
An epic wrestling match proceeded, perhaps the greatest fight to ever be witnessed by human eyes since Karate Kid 4. Dwayne threw his own punches while recording, the Journey to the Center of the Earth star was excited to update his vlog. Eventually, Maury grabbed Steve and turned on his jet pack, and blasted the fuck out of the wresting ring from hell.
The gang stood there, stunned. Eren was still bleeding all over the place, and Shinji was still wearing an ugly ass dress.
"Well, now what?" Kaworu asked.
"Well there's only one thing to do," Hulk said, turning to Dwayne and getting down on one knee. He pulled out a ring.
"Dwayne THE ROCK Johnson, I've loved you all my life. It's like you... it's like you wrestle my heart brother. When I'm with you, I feel like I'm still a relevant person. I love you Dwayne. Will you marry me?""Nah," Dwayne replied, and he also jet packed the fuck away.
Hulk Hogan hung his head in shame.
There was an uncomfortable silence, until Stuart slapped his greasy paws together.
"SO who wants pizza?"