Work Text
THEME MUSIC:
'Allo 'Allo, we meet again,And just as before...We loved, we parted as fate had arranged;Now there you stand and nothing has changed.And so it goes, the same refrain, the final encore,You are my love, my only love,Once more!
Scene One - Café René, a bustling afternoon in December
(René is standing behind the bar, polishing glasses)RENÉ - (To camera) Good day to you all. As you can see, eet eez nearly Christmas in Nouvion: Pere Noel eez coming, ze goose eez getting fat... and ze British Airmen are likely to start showing a bizarre wish to eat brussel sprouts. We 'ave just a quiet, peaceful Christmas planned - no forged paintings, no exploding Christmas puddings, and hopefully some time beneath ze mistletoe with my waitress. Oh, 'ere she comes.(Yvette sidles up to René, behind the bar)YVETTE - René, you are wanted in ze back room. Eet eez Michelle of ze Resistance.RENÉ - Michelle? (He cringes and tries to escape, but Yvette stops him and guides him to the door in question). Oh, 'eck...(René enters the back room and glances around to find it empty. Michelle then theatrically appears from behind a curtain, giving René a fright)RENÉ - Must you really do that?MICHELLE - I am trained for stealth and agility-RENÉ - '-Like a phantom in the night.' Yes, yes, we know. Now what do you want?MICHELLE - (Somewhat taken aback, then gathering her dignity) Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once. (René rolls his eyes. Edith, Yvette and Mimi enter, intent on what Michelle is going to say). We 'ave received intelligence that ze newest plan for ze invasion of England eez being 'eld in ze German headquarters in ze Chateau, in ze personal possession of Colonel Von Strohm. Tomorrow evening, General Von Klinkerhoffen eez coming to visit and 'e will take ze plans from ze Colonel, for personal delivery to 'ilter. At ze same time, ze General will be holding a Christmas Party in ze chateau, to which all of ze officers will be invited, and furthermore, they 'ave arranged to import a convoy of err... 'ladies of ze night' from a nearby town for zheir entertainment.RENÉ - Well I'm sure zat's very lovely for zem.YVETTE - And what eez wrong with my flying 'elmet and wet celery, I'd like to ask?MIMI - Or my hydraulic accordion?MICHELLE - Quiet; zat is not ze point. Eet eez an opportunity for us to seize zhe plans.RENÉ - (Grumpily) I don't see 'ow.MICHELLE - We will 'ijack ze convoy, zen Edith, Yvette and Mimi will steal ze clothes of ze courtesans and take zheir places. Whoever eez alloted to ze Colonel for ze evening will search 'is private chambers for ze documents.EDITH - But, my honour?!RENÉ - Zat was last seen in 1912...EDITH - 'ow could you René? Have you no concern for ze reputation of your spotless, dearest wife?MICHELLE - (Interrupting) Do not fear Madam Edith. We will deliver to you a vial of pills - via a man who will be disguised as a Christmas fairy-wing seller - and you are each to give one to the German officer to whom you are designated. Ze pills will make ze Germans fall to sleep very quickly, before anything untoward can 'appen.RENÉ - (Gleefully) Sounds like an excellent plan. And for once, eet doesn't involve me...MICHELLE - Zat is not quite true.RENÉ - Why do I 'ave a sinking feeling already?MICHELLE - You will be needed to guard ze painted ladies whom we kidnap, in ze Resistance headquarters.EDITH - I'm not sure about this, Michelle... My husband alone, for hours, with women of loose moral character. 'e is only 'uman after all; what if he were to be tempted?(René tries to look innocent while Yvette and Mimi make eyes at him)MICHELLE - Do not worry, ze women will be tied up.(Edith looks somehat appeased, while René takes on a devilish smile)RENÉ - Tied up, eh? (René looks very thoughtful).EDITH - Now, I must go and attend to my poor mouzzer. She 'as not been well recently and ze pharmacist said 'e would prescribe something to give her a little more energy.RENÉ - Not too much more. We'll 'ave an 'ole in ze ceiling from her infernal banging, at zis rate...
Scene Two - Herr Flick's secret dungeon headquarters, the same afternoon
HERR FLICK - (Speaking on the telephone. He looks stressed, and is even more staccato than usual). Yes, Godfather.... No, Godfather..... I really am very sorry, Godfather. Yes, I realize that vas zhe third Gestapo staff car zhis month.... Completely inexcusable, I do agree, Godfather.... Zhe Russian Front?! But please, Godfather, allow me to make amends! ...Zhe hokey-cokey in skin-tight lederhosen? ...Yes, of course, quite inappropriate. Vat would you like for me to do? .... I apologize, Godfather, zhe telephone line is crackling. ....You would like 'Hans for the persuasion of Kitten'? (He holds the telephone away from his ear as shouting streams down the line). Ah, I see. 'Plans for the invasion of Britain'. Yes, Godfather... right away.... Heil Hitler! (He salutes with the telephone receiver, and then places it upon its hook, looking dejected).(Enter Von Smallhausen)VON SMALLHAUSEN - You sent for me, Herr Flick?HERR FLICK - Yes, Von Smallhausen. I have received an order from my Godfather, Heinrich Himmler. The Colonel is in possession of plans for zhe invasion of England, which he is charged to deliver to General Von Klinerhoffen when he visits zhis veekend, for zhe officers' Christmas party. We must intercept zhose plans, and make small but crucial changes before delivering them personally to the Führer, zhus bringing good favour and glory to zhe Gestapo. (Then quietly, somewhat sheepish) - And possibly buying me a replacement staff car.VON SMALLHAUSEN - Vith a little toy nodding poodle in the back, just like zhe last one?HERR FLICK - (Shouting) Be quiet, Von Smallhausen! Vhatever may happen between a Gestapo officer and his little toy nodding poodle is a private matter.VON SMALLHAUSEN - Yes, Herr Flick.(Enter Helga)HERR FLICK - Ah, Helga. (Looks at his watch) You are thirty-nine seconds late.HELGA - I'm sorry, Herr Flick. My stockings developed a ladder just as I was leaving zhe office.HERR FLICK - Zhen you may remove them.HELGA - (Happy to oblige) Yes, Herr Flick. (She does so, making a significant show of leg in the process, perching her feet on any convenient dungeon furniture. Von Smallhausen faints dead away with a loud clonk, to the floor; Herr Flick and Helga both completely ignore this). Vould you like for me to kiss you?HERR FLICK - Zhat vould be acceptable. (Helga kisses him passionately, while Herr Flick remains perfectly stiff and unmoving. They part. She is somewhat breathless, while he considers). Yes, zhat was indeed, acceptable. Now Helga, it is fortunate that you are here. I shall require you to smuggle myself and Von Smallhausen into the Chateau tomorrow evening, to perform some very important and secret Gestapo business.HELGA - And what might that be, Herr Flick?HERR FLICK - I cannot possibly say! It is a classified and highly delicate operation.VON SMALLHAUSEN - (Suddenly coming round) Vhat is, Herr Flick? Do you mean zhe mission vere ve're going to steal zhe plans for zhe invasion of Britain tomorrow evening at zhe party?HERR FLICK - Quiet Von Smallhausen! (Hits him over the head with a stick, such that Von Smallhausen falls unconcious again. Then, to Helga:) You vill forget zhat you heard any such thing.HELGA - (Looking rather worried) Yes, Herr Flick.HERR FLICK - (Looks thoughtful for a moment). Ah, but Helga... I zhink I have alighted upon zhe best way that ve shall achieve this, tomorrow.HELGA - (Looking more worried) Yes, Herr Flick?HERR FLICK - It is traditional for General Von Klinkerhoffen to import women of ill repute to his annual Yuletide gathering, is it not.HELGA - (Looks somewhat peeved by this) It is.HERR FLICK - Good. Then you shall provide me with some vimens' clothes.HELGA – (Starts to strip) Now, Herr Flick?HERR FLICK - No, not now! (Helga looks disappointed) I do not require zhe clothes of a voman German officer, but zhe clothes of a voman French peasant of dubious moral character...
Scene Three - Colonel Von Strohm's office in the Chateau, that evening
(Colonel Von Strohm, Lieutenant Gruber and Helga are all sitting in the Colonel's office, engaged in heated conversation. There are several-important looking papers on the desktop, and Gruber is fiddling with some parts and cylindrical shells from his little tank, which seem to be giving him trouble. There is a pot-plant on the mantelpiece, which may or may not be twitching in a suspicious manner).HELGA - ...so Herr Flick is planning to steal zhe plans from you tomorrow evening, so that he can deliver them to the Führer himself, and claim the credit for zhe Gestapo. We wouldn't get our Christmas holiday leave if the plans went missing!VON STROHM - Zhat's entirely unacceptable. He must be stopped!GRUBER - Yes, but Colonel, how does one stop zhe Gestapo? They do seem to have a pesky habit of... getting their own way. (He looks waspishly in Helga's direction)HELGA - (Rearranges her skirt in attempt to show slightly less leg). I don't know vat you mean.VON STROHM - (Decisively) Gruber's right. Like it or not, Herr Flick will probably find his way in here tomorrow. Vat ve need to do is make sure he can't get hold of zhe plans.HELGA - Can't you just give them to the General as soon as he gets here, so that if they're stolen, it's his fault, not ours?VON STROHM - Impossible. He has specifically ordered that we are to keep them safe until the morning after zhe party. The strongroom in the office is no good - that would be cracked in no time by zhe Gestapo. And zhe Gestapo probably know that - being zhe senior officer here (looks rather pompous) - it is I who am responsible for zhe safe-keeping of zhe plans.HELGA - So vy don't you just give them to somebody else?(They all look at one another, and then down toward the parts of Gruber's little tank held in his lap. The pot plant on the mantelpiece twitches.)
Scene Four - Café René, the next morning
(René is waiting tables when Officer Crabtree enters and sidles up to him) CRABTREE - Good moaning.RENÉ - (Is taken by surprise). Aghh! Oh, it's you. Come to ze bar where no-one can 'ear you.(They both head over to the bar area. Mimi and Yvette join them.)CRABTREE - I have a mossedge from Michoole.RENÉ - (Resignedly) Pass on your 'mossedge'...CRABTREE - 'The plins for the bumming of Brotten are no linger with the Coolonil'.RENÉ - 'The bumming of Brotten'?! What on earth does zis idiot mean?YVETTE - 'e means, 'Ze plans for ze bombing of Britain'. Zey are not with ze Colonel any longer. (To Crabtree) So, where are zey?CRABTREE - They have been mived to an intamoot pissage of Lifttonant Gribber's. A plooce that is vory prouvoot and dear to him.RENÉ - (His eyes widen) An intimoot pissage of Lieutenant Gruber's eh? Well, good luck, girls. I have a feeling you might be needing it.CRABTREE - (Deliberately, as he is just-about following) Michool says nit to wirry, as you will have the slooping pulls at hond. They should be here ony second.(Enter LeClerc, sporting several pairs of sparkly fairy-wings. He looks like a cross between a turkey and a Gay Pride parade)LECLERC - 'ho will buy some Christmas fairy-wings from an old Christmas fairy-wing seller? 'ho will buy-RENÉ – (Panicking, as the customers notice Le Clerc) -Oh, do come over here... old Christmas fairy-wing seller. I will buy a pair or two...(LeClerc joins René at the bar, looking pleased with himself)LECLERC - It is I (lifts his spectacles), LeClerc.RENÉ - I know that, you stupid old fool! Now, what have you brought?LECREC - (Produces a small packet from his pocket) I have brought ze sleeping pills that ze ladies are to geeve to ze German officers.RENÉ – Very good, now give them to me. (René takes the packet of pills and puts them down on the counter-top)(Enter Edith, pursued by an amorous Monsieur Alfonse)EDITH – (Giggling) Oh, Monsieur Alfonse, zat is so kind of you, but... I couldn't. Not while my 'usband is still alive, anyway!CRABTREE – You never knoo whit might happen in a weir.(René and Yvette give Crabtree a withering look)YVETTE – (to René) In a weir. Now zat would be interesting... (She smirks at René)MONSIEUR ALFONSE – (Very excitably) But, dear Madam Edith, I love you! I love you, I love you, I love you...EDITH – Oh! (She is overcome by his affection) Are you sure zis ees not just ze effect of zose pills from ze pharmacy I was fetching for my mouzzer? (She puts down a packet of pills on the countertop)Monsieur Alfonse – Of course, not, dear lady. My mind ees unclouded as always. I just feel full of ze energy with which to express eet! (He wiggles his eyebrows, and then spins Edith around and sweeps her into an embrace).EDITH – Oh, Monsieur Alfonse! (Extricating herself) But now I must attend to dear Mama. (She picks up a packet of pills from the countertop and heads upstairs).CRABTREE – So, you shall all moot at the crissrods tomorrow at four o' click.RENÉ – (Grumpily) 'Four o' click' it is...
Scene Five - A field near the road into Nouvion, the next afternoon
(A group of girls from the Communist Resistance are hiding at the edges of a forest, next to a field that borders the road.)DENISE – So, when ze convoy comes, you shall dash into ze road and prevent ze Nationalists from seizing control of ze car.LOIUSE – Certainly I will! Half of our assets are invested in zat brothel, and if ze Germans don't pay tonight, we won't have any more munitions to use against zem.DENISE – Zen good luck. And remember, Michelle of ze Nationalist Resistance ees not to be crossed.LOUISE – (Darkly). Ah, zat Michelle... (Cut to Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen, parked in Herr Flick's Gestapo staff car, in a lay-by on the road, just in front of a hedgerow that marks the edge of a field)HERR FLICK – (Looks at his watch) Helga should be here shortly vith zhe vimens' clothes.VON SMALLHAUSEN – But Herr Flick, how vill ve know vhen she arrives, given zhat you asked her to deliver zhe clothes vithout being seen?HERR FLICK – Do not worry about that, Von Smallhausen. Ve senior officers of zhe Gestapo have highly-evolved senses on such matters.VON SMALLHAUSEN – Oh, like zhe time vhen you thought it vas a prank caller on zhe telephone, but it vas actually your Godfather Herr Himler and you-HERR FLICK – (Hits Von Smallhausen on the head) – Quiet, Von Smallhausen! (Cut to Michelle and members of the Nationalist Resistance crouching in a hedgerow by the road.)MICHELLE – Ze car will be 'ere in two point five minutes, according to our lookout at ze level-crossing. At zat point, I shall hijack ze driver at gunpoint, and you will reveal yourselves only when ze car has stopped and ze driver has moved away. Ees zat clear?RESISTANCE GIRLS – Yes, Michelle.MICHELLE – Good. Then, 'ere eet comes.(A very full car is seen driving along the road, containing one driver and several scantily-clad ladies. At the critical moment, Michelle dashes across the field toward the car, brandishing a gun. The driver looks terrified and begins to stop. However, before she can intercept the car, Louise dashes forward from her hiding place in the forest, pointing a gun at Michelle.)LOUISE – You shall stop zis immediately!MICHELLE – Never! You should be ashamed not to want to 'elp your country!LOUISE – (Incredulous) Help my country? You would not know ze meaning of the phrase! Why, you... you... (she seems lost for words)MICHELLE – (Challenging) Yes?LOUISE – (She growls and drops her gun, then runs at Michelle) I will tear you limb from limb!MICHELLE – (Drops her gun also). It is you who shall be on ze rotisserie tomorrow morning. (She runs at Louise).(The two engage in the middle of the field and girl-cat-fight for a few moments; very flaily and ineffectively. During this, the driver shrugs and quietly drives off. Michelle and Louise then part, both panting, and staring at one another with great intensity - something new and hungry now in their eyes. All of a sudden something snaps – they crush together once more, but this time with violent passion, not passionate violence, and are atop each other in the long grass within seconds). (Cut to The Gestapo Automobile. Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen are rained upon by flying articles coming over the hedge: a red neckerchief, a pair of white ankle-socks, a beret, dungarees...)HERR FLICK - Ah, zhese must be zhe ladies' articles ve require (He begins to gather together the clothes)VON SMALLHAUSEN – Zhat may be so. But how are you going to seduce zhe General, Herr Flick? Zhese may be accurate (He holds up a pair of dungarees), but zhey don't look very... alluring.HERR FLICK – (Pauses) I shall use my high-powered, Gestapo sex-appeal. (He opens his overcoat to reveal a lacy basque bedecked with swastikas)VON SMALLHAUSEN - (Excited) And me too, me too!HERR FLICK - No, Von Smallhausen. You shall carry my handbag. (hits him over the head with said handbag).
Scene Six – A Resistance hideout, slightly later that afternoon
RENÉ – (Tyeing some bored-looking courtesans to a wooden pillar) Well, zat was a fine mess! Michelle was supposed to have taken out ze driver and replaced him with one of her own. But was she there? Was she 'eck!EDITH – (Limping) Yes, 'ow was I to know zat I would be 'it by ze winding handle when I tried to open ze door? Now my ankle is sprained and I can't walk.YVETTE – Zis will never do. Now we will be one person down for ze party, and obviously the most junior officer will get to pick last – which means that none of us will wind up in Lieutenant Gruber's room and ze whole mission is ruined!(Enter Michelle, wearing her overcoat, Louise's red bandanna, and quite possibly nothing else.)MICHELLE – Zat is not quite true. Madam Edith will stay here and guard ze courtesans, and René will take her place.RENÉ – I will not! (to Michelle) And where were you, anyway? Zis wouldn't 'ave 'appened, if you'd 'ave been there to do your bit!MICHELLE – I was... completing some very important diplomatic work with ze Communist Resistance. (Narrows her eyes) And you will help us, René; are you or are you not ze bravest man in France?EDITH – Oh, yes, René! You must!MICHELLE – (Aside) And besides, if you do not, I will shoot you.RENÉ – (Miserably resigned) Well, eet doesn't sound as if I 'ave much of a choice, now does it? Make sure you give me some of zose sleeping pills, Edith, I 'ave a feeling I'll need zem. (To Michelle, trying to save a scrap of dignity) But I will not wear ze one with ze kittens on the front...
Scene Seven - The German officers' Christmas Party, inside the Chateau, that evening
(The officers are chatting and drinking jovially in one of the main drawing rooms.)VON KLINKERHOFFEN – I've changed my mind, Colonel. You shall keep zhe plans safe for ten more days. Then I vill have returned from my holiday in zhe Black Forest, and vill take them directly to Hilter.VON STROHM – (Looks rather panicked to hear this) Yes, General...VON KLINKERHOFFEN – Good. Now, on to zhe entertainment! (He whistles at the doorman who, in turn, whispers a message to Helga)HELGA – (Standing by the door, very straight-backed) BRING. IN. ZHE. COURTESANS!(Everyone jumps. The door opens slowly, and in limp Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen, wearing assorted shards of Michelle's and Louise's clothing, with swastika-bedecked underwear peeking out from below. Helga looks very excited. Gruber nods and smiles approvingly. However, Von Klinkerhoffen and the other officers look highly unimpressed).VON KLINKERHOFFEN – Ugh, no! Take zhem away and bring some others.(Herr Flick looks scandalized by this, and is just about to vociferously object – before he realizes that he is undercover, so cannot – and is manhandled out of the door by the guards on duty)GRUBER – (To himself) Vat a shame; zhose ones veren't too far off...HELGA – (Looking somewhat crestfallen) BRING. IN. ZHE. OTHER. COURTESANS!(Vyette and Mimi sashay in, to the sound of wolf-whistles from most of the officers. They are wearing high heels and frilly lace – though not much of it. Gingerly, trying not to be seen, René creeps in after them, similarly dressed, but with a half-veil).VON KLINKERHOFFEN – Bravo, bravo! I shall have... zhat one (He points at Michelle, who then simpers to his side) Leopold?VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN – No, thanks, not today, zhat is.VON KLINKERHOFFEN – Very well. Kurt?VON STROHM – Oh, yes! Zhe little one. (Mimi scampers over to join the Colonel)(That just leaves René, who suddenly feels terribly on-show. He tries to pull his far-too-short skirt down a bit – but to no avail)VON KLINKERHOFFEN – So that just leaves... (He looks René up and down). Really, vere do zhese girls come from? Didn't ve pay for zhe best available?VON STROHM – Vell, it is France.VON KLINKERHOFFEN – But zhis one has a moustache!VON STROHM – It is France, General...VON KLINKERHOFFEN – Ok, vell who vould like...? (He gestures toward René, but all of the senior officers feign interest in a different direction. Gruber, however is transfixed). Ah, vell, no matter. But who's left: Gruber?GRUBER – (Very enthusiastically) Yes, please! (He checks himself) I mean, it seems rather a shame for zhe entertainment budget to go to vaste, so...VON KLINKERHOFFEN – Fine, fine. She's yours.
Scene Eight – Gruber's private quarters in the Chateau, the same evening
(Gruber has changed into a pink silk dressing gown. René is standing in the middle of the room in his courtesan outfit, looking thoroughly uncomfortable.)GRUBER – (Pulls off René's veil with a flourish) René! I knew it vas you! Oh, how vonderful!RENÉ – (Shiftily) Oh, yes, isn't eet...GRUBER – But vat are you doing here? - Oh, don't tell me (He winks at René) – I zhink I already know. I vas beginning to lose hope, honestly I vas. But how silly of me! For here you are, and I should never have doubted!RENÉ – (Still shifty) Mmm, if only you knew...GRUBER – But no matter all zhat. Ah, and vere are my manners? Let me offer you a drink, we can talk avile; it's only proper...RENÉ – (Seizing his chance) Ah, yes, a drink! Let me get zat for you, Lieutenant.GRUBER – Please, call me Hubert.RENÉ – Ok, erm... 'ubert... let me get zat for you. (He walks over to the drinks cabinet and pours two large glasses of cognac. He slips two pills into one of the glasses, and gives that one to Gruber).GRUBER – (Accepting the glass and drinking deeply) Here's to the most vonderful evening!RENÉ – (Joining the toast with skepticism) Oh, yes...(René watches Gruber keenly, looking for signs of the sleeping pills taking effect. Gruber, however, looks more perky than ever)GRUBER – Now, René, you must tell me vhat you plan to do after zhe war. Surely a man as... talented... as yourself (he looks René up and down in his scanty clothing) cannot vant to run a café for ever.RENÉ – Oh, I don't know, Lieuten-GRUBER – -Tsk, tsk.RENÉ - -I mean, 'ubert. I am a man of simple tastes and small things...GRUBER – (Perusing René's costume once again) Oh, I can see zhat.RENÉ – ...So running a café suits me well, really. Zat ees, if I don't suddenly become enormously rich and escape to Switzerland, or something (He laughs nervously).GRUBER – I vould be very sad to see you go.RENÉ – (Appeasingly) Ah, yes, well. (A bit more impatient, now) But tell me, 'ubert. Aren't you feeling at all... um, sleepy, by now? Perhaps a lie down?GRUBER - Oh, René! I thought you'd never ask!(Gruber thoroughly glomps René in a passionate-cum-puppydog embrace and manoeuvres him backwards until the back of René's knees hit the side of the bed. René collapses onto it, with Gruber atop him).RENÉ – (Panicking) Ah, 'ubert...GRUBER – Shhh, my sweet one. Let me look after you zhis evening.(Gruber shoos René back to lay down properly on the pillows and then climbs astride René's thighs. René expression conveys a mixture of anxiousness and resignation).RENÉ – (Muttering to himself) Now I really must be ze bravest man in France...(Gruber undoes the lacings of René's basque, then runs his hands across René's chest and tummy as if it's the sexiest thing he has ever seen.)GRUBER - Oh, René! Just to think you've been hiding all zhis from me for so very long...RENÉ - (dryly) It ees quite extraordinary.GRUBER - I should say! Oh goodness, you're such a dreadful tease. (He giggles and tweaks one of René's nipples, causing him to gasp loudly)RENÉ - Are you sure you're not feeling a bit sleepy? You know, maybe a nice quiet snooze...?(Gruber places a finger across René's lips to hush him, and then trembles all over at the contact.)GRUBER – No, no, I've never felt so full of energy; I could go on all night! Ah! I can't vait for you a moment longer!(He dives forward and kisses René passionately, pinning him to the bed. René flails ineffectively as he swallows a squeal. Then, something changes. René goes very, very still, and we see his eyes widen in shock and epiphany. His eyes close once more, this time accompanied by an almighty groan as he pulls Gruber closer with every limb, and kisses him back like there's no tomorrow...).
Scene Nine - The Back Room of Café René, a week later
(René and Gruber are exchanging heated kisses, hands roaming, René leaning back against the table. Both men are nearly overcome with passion).GRUBER - Oh, René!RENÉ - Oh, 'ubert!(René squeezes somewhere sensitive, making Gruber's eyes widen in delight).GRUBER - Oh, René....RENÉ - Oh-(He is interrupted by the door swinging open; it is Yvette)YVETTE - René, we need twenty-three more candles in ze- Aaaagh!... I thought you loved me, René!RENÉ - (Looking up from his prone position on the table, and trying to smooth things over). Oh dear Yvette, do not take on so. You know zat I will always...aaaghh! (He reacts in pleasure to something naughty that Gruber has just done beneath the table).GRUBER - (Smugly and cattily) 'Always be othervise engaged,' I think my dear friend René meant to say just zhen. Now if you vill excuse us...(He turns his attentions back to René, and Yvette leaves in a huff. They return to kissing, clothes becoming more rumpled; collars and jackets undone. But then the door opens again - it is Mimi).MIMI - (Aghast) René! You said zat you didn't 'ave a vacancy for a lover, and here I find you, in ze arms of zis officer!RENÉ - Now, Mimi, dear-GRUBER - (Like the cat who got the cream) -You are indeed quite correct, madam. René has no current 'vacancy' as you put it, as I hereby claim every. Single. Vun. Of his spare moments. (He punctuates the words with an action between their bodies that makes René quiver at each full-stop). Good day to you.(René shakes his head in awe of Gruber's lovemaking skills, and Mimi leaves, also in a huff. The men fall upon one another with renewed passion, only to be interrupted for a third time. The door slams open once more, and this time it is Edith - who looks at first shocked, then livid).EDITH - René! What on earth do think you are doing, in ze arms of zat 'andsome young man?RENÉ - (Is caught unawares, panics - Edith is much more ferocious than either Yvette or Mimi, and besides, she has the keys to his café - then summons some righteous anger) You stu-pid woman! (a long pause, as he tries to come up with an idea and Gruber surreptitiously straightens his clothes). Um.... Can't you see that I am assisting Lieutenant Gruber with 'is military first-aid course?GRUBER - (squeakily, for he's afraid of Edith, too) Yes, zhat's right...RENÉ - Ze German Army will only employ ze most proficient soldiers, you know, so it ees imperative zat ze Lieutenant has proper opportunity to practise mouth-to-mouth resuscitation before 'e's examined on eet. Do you not think, Edith, zat given ze kind custom zat ze officers 'ere show to our 'umble little café, zat it ees really the least I could do in thanks?EDITH - (Looking very humbled) Oh, I'm very sorry, René. Lieutenant, can I ever apologize?GRUBER - (Still feeling on the spot). Yes. Vell. Don't let it happen again.EDITH - Of course not! And maybe, Lieutenant, I could also assist you? (She closes her eyes and puckers her lips, trying to look desirable).GRUBER - (Panicking). Agh! I mean, perhaps not now, zhat is. René, maybe you and I ought to continue our discussion of... emergency procedures... elsevere? (He shuffles toward the door).RENÉ - Certainly, Lieutenant.(They both exit in a hurry through the café, past Yvette and Mimi who are wearing black mourning robes and sniffling pointedly in their direction). (Inside Gruber's Little Tank) GRUBER - (Suddenly shy) René, zhere is something zhat I have been meaning to say to you.RENÉ - Yes, my dearest, what ees eet?GRUBER - Well, it is zhat I feel for you... very strongly.RENÉ – I know...GRUBER - (He looks down to where he is currently 'feeling for' René, in particular, then blushes and giggles). But not just that. I mean, René, that I find... I love you, René. (He holds his breath, anxious to see how those words will be received).RENÉ - (Genuinely touched). 'ubert, I... (He takes Gruber's hand) ... feel for you, too. Very strongly. (He pauses to think). I must admit eet was a shock at first, but I 'ave never felt quite zis way about someone before. You 'ave bowled me over! Eet's like... finally coming 'ome.(Gruber looks over the moon, and they kiss fondly.)GRUBER - Zhen let us be together, my love! Come away vith me. I have not told you zhis before, but... zhe German Army's plans to invade England are in my possession. I vill sell zhem to zhe Resistance in exchange for safe passage for zhe both of us to Svitzerland. Zhen ve can be together, and free from all zhe troubles of var and life in zhis village.RENÉ - (A little in awe) You'd give up all of zis? (He gestures toward Gruber's uniform, his stripes of rank) You'd take such an 'uge risk... for me? (Gruber nods emphatically). Zen yes! I love you, 'ubert, and I will come with you!(Ecstatic, they kiss passionately to seal their pact... which is rather difficult in such a constrained space. There is a fair amount of jostling and several controls are inadvertently knocked.)(Cut to the town square. The afternoon is seemingly quiet as people go about their business, but we see Gruber's little tank begin to rock to and fro, even though it is apparently just parked. All of a sudden, its gun goes off, hitting a nearby Gestapo staff car. As the smoke clears, a confetti of paper shards rains down onto the cobblestones, which look suspiciously like scraps of the plans for the invasion of Great Britain...)
ROLL CREDITS