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**************************************************Kevin only meant to go for a quick walk around the block, stretch his legs, get some fresh air before they all crammed back into the van to drive another hundred miles to yet another county fair to play the same six songs to a dozen seemingly identical bored witnesses.But then he turned the corner and saw the small carnival, set up in a vacant back lot. It looked shabby, old, a little grimy, but Kevin’s hoodie is just this side of too small now, and his shoes have a hole in them, so it’s not like he’s in any place to comment. And besides, the carnival looked more interesting than anything else he’d seen all week.Kevin drifted between the stalls, the small games and cheats. He paused, tilting his head as he saw a man with a bowler hat sitting with his boots on a table, idly sending a deck of cards in a flawless waterfall shuffle between his fingers.He smiled as he saw Kevin watching. “Welcome,” he called out, beckoning Kevin over. “Care to play?”“What’s the game?” Kevin asked.The man with the bowler hat smiled. “Place a bet and pic k a card.”Kevin frowned. “Sorry,” he said. He had no money, hadn’t in a while. Most of their cash went on gas for the van and food for five hungry people. Kevin’s stomach growled just thinking about it.“Wait,” the man said, as Kevin went to move away. “We don’t have to play for cash. We can play for something else. A kiss?” he offered. Kevin blushed, but something stopped him from walking away. He knew he should. But instead, he bet a kiss and took the deck of cards he was offered, fanning it out. “Clubs or Hearts?” the man asked.“Clubs,” Kevin said, feeling a sudden affinity for being beaten.The man with the hat smiled as he plucked Kevin’s selection from the fanned out deck. He turned it around, and the Prince of Hearts smirked back at him.And now Kevin owed a kiss to a strange man, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Because he'd never let himself have those kinds of thoughts about men, not really. He prayed hard every night to be the kind of son his parents wanted, to banish those kinds of thoughts form his head. But he bet, and it's the circus, so it's not like he'd be seeing this guy ever again, and there's no-one else around, let alone anyone he knows.Kevin took a deep breath and pressed his lips to the man's, eyes closed.The man chuckled against his lips and deepened the kiss for a moment more before he pulled away. He smirked. "First kiss is a serious power, boy. And you just gave it away."Kevin blinked, spluttered something, and staggered off back to the motel room that was home for the night.The next day, they drive past the now-empty lot. There is no sign of the circus. Kevin touched his fingers to his lips as he looked at the dead grass that flashed by and was gone out of sight.It wasn’t until the following evening that he found the small charm that had been dropped into his coat pocket. It was an imprint of a card with the Ace of Hearts embedded into the metal with a chain link threaded through a little hole at the top. Kevin held it in his fingers and felt his lips tingle with the memory of the kiss. Kevin blushed and put the charm back into his coat pocket before anyone else could see and ask him about it.
What did the man with the cards mean by a first kiss has serious power?
Kevin couldn't bring himself to throw away the charm. He kept it with him, and started to always make sure it was in his pocket every time he slung on his guitar to play.They could use any luck they could get.* * *It was two weeks later when Kevin had the first dream.He was in the circus once again, wandering the various stalls and games when he came upon the man with the cards."Hello first kiss," The man purred at him, cards dancing in between his fingers. "Finally came, huh?"Kevin's eyes were wide. "How did I get here? I, I..." he looked around, feeling the first tendrils of panic."Just a dream," The man said calmly as he pocketed his cards. Fluidly getting to his feet, he strode forward and grabbed Kevin's hand. He pressed a kiss to the knuckles. "Let's go, first kiss."Kevin's eyes were wide, but it felt like he didn't have any power at all as he was led away from the man's stall. Panic hit him, and he concentrated and pulled back.Kevin woke with a start, face flushed and covered with sweat. He bit his lip when he realized he had a hard-on, and glanced over to make sure his brothers weren't awake.They weren't.Kevin tried to will it away, because he had been so good at keeping those thoughts at bay, but it was useless.He quickly padded to the bathroom. He didn’t turn the lights on as he grabbed a wad of tissues out of the box next to the sink and took care of it, cheeks flaming with shame and guilt. He washed his hands and leaned heavily against the edge of the sink, praying for forgiveness.Kevin wasn't sure about a lot of things but he knew God was a forgiving sort.The trend continued for the next few weeks, his dreams invaded by the man with the cards, leaving him confused and disoriented, and more often than not needing a few minutes alone in the bathroom. The dreams were bad enough, but slowly, it started to seep out of his dreams and into his waking moments. Kevin found himself noticing, in crowds or random places, a guy with a hat, or a playing card dropped randomly in the gutter.He tried desperately to ignore the pattern.Kevin really didn't want to think what it meant he was now seeing these images in the real world, when before it was all in his dreams.* * *Things finally came to head in all places, Minnesota.When they pulled up to the hotel, Kevin spied the innocent looking Carnival across the road.The younger boys immediately started making a fuss, and Kevin dragged his feet as they went over, easily distancing and loosing his family in the crowd.He wandered the carnival alone.Another card trick guy was suddenly in his way, smiling at him. He was tall and all limbs. "So you're the one that has my friend all a twitter-patted," he said with a giant grin, flicking a card between his fingers.Kevin blinked. "Um, I'm sorry?""Don't be, little lamb," The guy nearly purred at him. "You may call me...B."Kevin leaned back as B leaned forward. "Oh, I'm gonna go now," he stuttered out, trying to politely extricate himself.B leaned back, smiling. "Too bad for me. But you might find what you seek if you go via the blue one," he said, waving a Ace of Hearts card towards a row of trailers and caravans.Kevin nearly bolted, dashing into the crowd before turning and reorientating himself to the row of caravans. He approached them slowly. He found another Ace of Hearts on the door of a caravan painted the blue of a summer's sky. He gently pulled the card out and stared at it.He was sure he had made no sound to indicate he was outside, but the door opened.There was his card guy, but he had no hat on this time and Kevin could see his eyes."So, first kiss, you decided to take a walk?" He grinned at Kevin."Um, B pointed me over here," Kevin said awkwardly as he held the card to his chest. "You've been appearing in my dreams!" He blurted out."I know," He purred, leaned in Kevin's space. Kevin was too shocked at the admission to even blink. "You gave me power over you."Kevin blinked. "You're not going to start dancing and singing and have goblins pop out of anywhere, are you?" He hadn’t meant to say that, the words had just...burst out.The guy blinked and then started to laugh. "What the fuck, first kiss? What kind of crazy world is that?"Kevin blushed. "Um, never mind." He toed the dirt and looked around, unsure of what was going to happen next.The man stood aside. "Want to come in?"Kevin froze, one foot already on the step. "First, I want your name."He seemed surprised, then pleased. "Mike. My name is Mike.""I'm Kevin," he introduced himself, stepping up and into the caravan."Two gifts," Kevin heard Mike murmur behind him as looked around the small, cluttered caravan.There were all kinds of deck of cards all over the place. A guitar off to the side and a wall devoted to trinkets. The hat was propped up on one of them."Are you like the mad hatter or something?" Kevin asked as he touched the brim."Don't like tea," Mike said and started rooting around a small fridge. "Want a water?""No, thank you," Kevin said. He wasn't supposed to take anything from strangers.But you're inside his caravan! A voice said in the back of his head. You kissed him.Mike shrugged. "Fine by me." He took one off and twisted the cap off, before taking a long drink from it. "How old are you, Kevin?""Seventeen," Kevin said before realizing he just gave his age to a total stranger. Who had been somehow stalking him in his dreams... He shook himself and tried to get control over himself, over this whole, mad situation."A year too early," Mike murmured sadly. He saw that Kevin was looking at his guitar. "You play, don't you." It wasn't a question.Kevin shook his head, trying to think clearly. "You're in my dreams! How?"Mike smirked and leaned back against his small fridge. "You gave me power over you with that kiss. And now with part of your name, more power.""Give it back!" Kevin snapped."You're rescinding your gift?" Mike asked incredulously. "Do you really want to do that?" He smiled as Kevin paused, spluttering. "But perhaps we are imbalanced. After all, you have given me two gifts, and I only one. Here." A card was pressed into his hands. "Take this. See you next year." And the next thing Kevin knew, he was outside the trailer, and he could hear Joe calling his name.Kevin felt confused and young as he stumbled towards Joe's voice."Dude, where were you?" Joe asked as he jumped on Kevin's back.Kevin automatically wrapped his arms around Joe's leg and shook his head. "I'm not sure. Down the rabbit hole?""Come on, Mom and Dad want to get some rest after all that driving."It was only in the privacy of the bathroom in the cheap motel did Kevin look at what he had been gifted.The card was exactly like his ace of hearts metal charm he had in his pocket all the time. But this time it is was an actual playing card, worn and heavy with age.Kevin turned it over, looking at the design on the back. It was a picture of the carnival, engraved in exquisite detail."Who are you, Mike?" Kevin murmured to himself. "And why are you haunting me?"He tucked the card securely in his wallet so it wouldn't get damaged, and tried to concentrate on the tour, on getting better, on helping to keep their little family together.And every night, he dreamed. Sometimes Mike was a fleeting figure in the background. Other times, Kevin was walking through the deserted carnival, no-one else in sight.Sometimes Kevin was busking right beside Mike's little table as cards danced in the air. But Mike was only a phantom, a hint of a shadow in the dreams. They never spoke.Kevin could only wonder what it meant and why him.* * *The seasons turned and the money got tighter and Nick got thinner and Joe laughed less.And then it was the day before Kevin's eighteenth birthday. They were stopped at some gas station, waiting for their Dad to figure out how much gas they could buy, when Kevin heard the music.He blinked and looked at the others. They were so absorbed in everything else they barely noticed him slip away around the back of the station.Following the music, Kevin bit his lip when he saw the Ace of Hearts on a door he knew hadn't been there before.Taking the card, Kevin pushed the door open and slipped inside."Hello first kiss," Mike purred behind Kevin, engulfing him in a hug.It had been such a rough few months that Kevin found himself clinging to Mike's warmth. "You? You’re here? Why are you here?"Mike chuckled, warm in Kevin's ear. "You gave me such valuable gifts, surely you do not expect me to squander them or be disrespectful." He squeezed Kevin tight. "I am here to give you the first part of your birthday present."Kevin blinked. "My birthday is tomorrow," he said blankly.Mike grinned. "Eighteen years ago, your sainted mother started her labour, and you started your journey to here. And so I start towards your gift. Part the first." He leaned forward and kissed Kevin carefully on the lips.Kevin sighed and closed his eyes. When he opened them again, Mike was gone, leaving only a lingering warmth where they had touched."Mike?" Kevin asked hopefully. He wasn't sure why he was calling for the card dealer. But it had been hard the past few months and Mike was the first friendly face he'd seen in a long time.He hurried out when he heard his family calling for him. "Bathroom break," he explained awkwardly as his mother gave him a scolding look.The charm was warm in Kevin's pocket. He wrapped his fist around it as they drove on and the sun set.Kevin slept badly, squeezed onto the edge of the bed he was sharing with his brothers. He tossed fitfully as the dream took him into the now familiar deserted carnival. "Mike?" he called out in the dream."Wakey wakey," the breeze sighed.Kevin sat up with a start. He blinked and rubbed his eyes, freezing as he realized what had woken him.There was a light tapping from the window. Shoving his feet into his sneakers and grabbing a hoodie, Kevin tiptoed outside.It was hard to describe what exactly was pulling him in this direction, but Kevin had a strong suspicion as to who it was.The charm in his pocket seemed warmer than mere body heat should have allowed, and Kevin wrapped his hand over it again and sighed as the warmth entered his body."Mike?" He called out.Like a mirage, Mike was suddenly there, standing on the edge of of the pool of light cast by the street lamp hanging across the parking lot. Kevin hurried over, gravel crunching beneath his feet. "Mike!"Mike smiled and held up a finger. His head bobbed slightly, as if he were counting down. "And happy birthday," he said warmly. "A present, to mark the moment of arrival." He held out his hand.Kevin looked at the small gift wrapped box and took it gently. "Thank you." "You're welcome," Mike grinned. "Open it!” he said excitedly as they just grinned at each other. It was the most normal, the most human, Mike had ever seemed. “I want to see your face when you see what it is."Kevin unwrapped the bow slowly, and peeled back the wrapping.Inside was a small wooden box. Kevin cracked the seal, and the air filled with the most amazing music. He instinctively slammed the lid shut, and the sounds of the night returned. He opened it again, tentatively, and had to close his eyes in wonder at the perfection of the melody.He opened his eyes as he closed the lid again. Mike was smiling at him, head tilted to one side. "There. That smile. That's what I wanted to see.""Thank you," Kevin said shyly. He paused, then, feeling a bit bold, pulled Mike in for a quick hug and kiss on the cheek. "It's, ah, it's perfect."Mike froze, then cuddled him back, and Kevin wondered if Mike was actually just as lonely as he was. "Can you sit a while?" Kevin asked quietly."Of course," Mike said and sat on the ground, his back to the lamp post as he pulled Kevin down and into his side like he already knew that Kevin would fit there.Kevin cuddled up immediately and wondered if he really was so starved for touch and affection that he was willing to get it from a near stranger.That thought made him pause. Was Mike really a stranger anymore, with him haunting his dreams and the gifts and this 'power' he gave to Mike over him."You're in my dreams, aren't you?" Kevin asked quietly."Was that a question or a statement?" Mike shot back."Do you always answer a question with a question?" Kevin said, laughing.Mike laughed and rubbed Kevin's arm. "It keeps things interesting."Kevin huffed angrily and Mike grinned, pinching Kevin's cheek. "Aw, you're all cute and huffy.""I'm not cute," Kevin muttered and looked away."Handsome, regal, utterly kissable then," Mike declared with a flourish of his fingers. But Kevin caught the echo of loneliness behind the light, teasing words.Kevin fidgeted a little on that last one. "Have you, y'know, kissed.." he trailed off, unsure what he was asking.Mike seemed unperturbed. "First kisses are squandered so easily these days. It makes them all the more valuable for their rarity."Kevin blushed. "Oh.""It was a very precious gift which you gave me," Mike said firmly, his thumb brushing Kevin's cheek.Kevin unconsciously leaned into the touch."Why did you give it to me?" Mike asked, voice barely a whisper.Kevin stilled and leaned away from Mike's touch. "We made a bet and I lost. So you got the kiss," he lied uncomfortably. He looked at Mike. "Why did you want my first kiss? And why me? You could've picked anyone else in the crowd.""It was you. You intrigued me," Mike smirked at Kevin, a hand coming up to tuck a curl behind Kevin's ear. “Always have, always will.”"Oh," Kevin said softly and went back to laying his head on Mike's chest. It felt nice, and comfortable, and right."Time for your last gift," Mike said at last as the very first rays of sunshine flickered up and set the horizon glowing. "And it's your choice. What do you want?"Kevin frowned. "I don't know. For things to be better?""What kind of things?" Mike asked gently.Rubbing his nose on Mike's shirt, Kevin just let it pour all out. Nick getting thinner, Joe laughing less, the tightness with money.He just wanted his family happy and well."You think money will make you happy?" Mike asked carefully."No," Kevin said. "But it would be one less, big, roadblock in the way. Besides, if Nick and Joe's careers took off, they'd be happy, and if it earned enough money for us all to live on, then Mom and Dad and Frankie would be happy and safe.""What about you?" Mike whispered into his ear. "This is your gift."There was no hesitation; it wasn’t even a real question. "And I want it for them."Mike nodded, nose brushing against the shell of Kevin's ear. "Intriguing." There was the faintest sense of a stutter in the air. "Go on, time for cake." He gently pushed Kevin to his feet.Kevin turned and grabbed Mike's hand before he could evaporate again. "Thank you. For my presents.”"You're welcome, first kiss," Mike grinned at him. Kevin glanced back at the motel and when he looked around again, Mike had disappeared with the last of the night time shadows.Feeling lighter than he had in the past few months, Kevin headed back towards the van.He sat on the bumper, unwilling to go inside just yet. The motel was stuffy and smelt of cleaning products, but out here the air was crisp and clear and the sunrise was amazing.He was jolted from his reverie by his mother rushing out. "Oh, sweetie!" she gasped, hand over her heart. "There you are. You worried me for a second."Kevin just smiled and held out his arms to give her a hug. She grinned, softening, and squeezed him tight. "Happy birthday, sweetheart.""Thanks Mom," Kevin replied, marveling in the warmth of the hug and that feeling of 'Mom'."We'll do something special today, special dinner or something," She promised him with a grin.Kevin saw it didn't reach her eyes and took her hand. "That's okay, mom. I know we're tight on money.""It's your special day,” she insisted. “You let me worry about that. We'll make it work."Kevin nodded. "After the show." Maybe he could talk her instead into going for ice cream cones or something.There was no ice cream after the show. There was an agent instead.An agent to talk to all of them about signing them, all of them.To Disney.Life got hectic as they were moved across the country and set up in a house. Kevin kept the charm and the card and the music box, and he tried to keep an eye out, but he saw no familiar be-hatted heads in the crowd, no casually dropped hearts cards. At the end of each day, no matter how much he wanted it, more often than not he just faceplanted into bed, too exhausted to even dream.He missed the dreams most of all.It came to Kevin one day in a rare quiet moment. He missed Mike.Kevin didn't even know his full name or even his birthday. And Mike had been so generous to him. The music box, the card and charm were among his most treasured possessions, and he always kept them close.Biting his lip, Kevin grabbed his laptop and started surfing on Amazon. It still felt a little weird, still gave him a bit of a thrill, that he had money to spend now, not a lot, but enough for this. Pulling up playing decks, he ordered several of them and waited for them to come.The cards arrived just in time for him to take them on tour with him, as they played as the supporting act for Miley Cyrus, and it gave him something to do to occupy himself between shows.Kevin was kind of creeped out at how well her and Nick were getting along. Nick was his baby brother and not meant to be looking at girls like that. It reminded him again how long they’d been doing this. He turned away as they sat down to chat, and kept sorting and shuffling his decks.When they pulled over for a rest stop, Kevin ducked away and found a lamp post. "Um, Mike. I'm not sure if you can hear me or not, but here." He laid his homemade deck on the ground. "I don't know when your birthday is, so, uh, happy unbirthday."The little stack, tied together with a bow, seemed so small and pathetic on the ground. Kevin winced, but he hadn’t rescinded a gift, and he wasn’t going to start now. He went to join the techs grabbing sodas and chips.He told himself he wasn't going to look, but just as he went to climb back onto the bus, he felt his gaze drawn to the lamp post.And the empty space where his gift had been.Smiling, feeling both lighter and more anxious than he had before, Kevin climbed onto the bus.* * *That night, Kevin dreamed.The carnival was thronging, the once-drab canvas now bright splashes of colour in the drawing night.Kevin walked through the crowds, searching, scanning faces and booths.Then the crowds parted, and there was the blue caravan, gleaming in the low light.He quickly walked forward to see Mike behind his little table and the cards Kevin had gifted him with dancing in his hands."Mike," Kevin said a little breathlessly, relieved."Hello first kiss," Mike grinned at him as he made the cards do tricks."Where have you been?” Kevin asked, drawing near. “I've missed you!"If possible, Mike's grin got wider and the tricks more intricate. “Missed you too, first kiss.”Kevin leaned against a tent pole and watched Mike flick cards in ways that seemed to defy the laws of physics. Other strangers seemed to come and go past them, pausing to watch before moving on. Only Kevin stayed. He watched the Carnival start to empty out as true night drew in.He blinked as he sensed someone coming to stand right beside him. He looked over, and Mike was right there; but it didn't feel awkward.In fact, it felt right.Mike leaned in until the tip of his nose was brushing lightly against Kevin's. "I really did miss you too."Kevin felt the press of lips against his cheek. It felt like they were all alone under the stars.Mike shuffled his cards and deposited them into a small box. He pocketed them and deftly folded up his table.Kevin took a step forward, unsure whether to try and help. "Um hi. Sorry if I was short before."Mike grinned. "Apparently you missed me.""Yeah," Kevin said softly, blushing as he toed the dirt.A part of Kevin knew this was just a dream. Perhaps that was why he threw his arms around Mike and held him close. "I really missed you," he repeated into Mike's ear.Mike chuckled and pulled Kevin in for a hug. "I guessed. Thank you for the gift. It was very lovely and thoughtful."Kevin blushed. "Wanted to make you something that reminded us of us.""Oh? Is there an us?" Mike asked in a drawling tone."Friendship wise, yes, at least I like to think so," Kevin said honestly as he moved his head away from the crook of Mike's neck.Mike pressed in against Kevin, bodies slotting together easily.Kevin's eyes went wide. Mike was pressed up against him and he was, he was...Kevin quickly detangled himself from Mike, chest heaving with air. "You were, you were...""Hard?" Mike asked quirking an eyebrow. "That does happen."Kevin blinked. "That's a sin," he said automatically and then clapped his hands over his mouth. "I'm sorry," he said through muffled fingers.Mike was watching him, but it wasn't an unkind or accusing look. "Do you believe that?” He asked gently. “Sin is used to label so many things. Do you think this is a sin?"He barely gestured, but Kevin blushed crimson as he realized he too was half-hard.Kevin turned to the side a little, hunching in on himself. "Sorry.""Don't be sorry," Mike said.Kevin sighed a little and he felt like he had to explain himself. "My family is very religious, and most of my life I've been told being with the same sex is a sin, but love is universal. It contradicts so many things, especially when I find myself looking at...men more."Mike waited, to see where Kevin was going with this."I want you,” he admitted in a rush, cheeks flaming. “And I think I’m attracted only to men, but after a lifetime of being told it's wrong, it's hard to separate the two, even in my own head" Kevin said softly, ducking his head a little.Mike's hand came up to cup Kevin's head. His face was so close, Kevin could feel the rhythm of Mike's breathing. "Love is also a big label," he said. Kevin barely nodded. Mike's fingers were warm and calloused on his skin, so real for a dream. "What do you believe? You know the answer, Kevin, you just have to look at it."Kevin felt his heart start to race. All the conflict and confusion he'd been trying to keep locked away burst forward, and he jerked backwards, flinching at himself and tearing himself out of Mike's touch.He gasped, and he was back in his hotel bed, staring at an unfamiliar ceiling, and filled with an irrevocable sense of loss."Dude! Did you just have a wet dream? Gross!" Joe cried out, kicking Kevin in the thigh."That's disgusting," Nick pipped up from the other bed.Ashamed and red faced, Kevin fled the bed he was sharing with Joe and headed for the bathroom, locking it behind him.He was still half hard as he slumped to the floor, leaning against the bathroom door. Bringing his knees up to his chin, Kevin fought the tears that wanted to come out as he wrapped his arms around his legs.There was a soft knock on the door. "Kev?""Go away Joe," Kevin muffled, wiping his nose on the back of his hand. He felt the door jerk as they tried to open it, and then both Joe and Nick called his name again."Go away!" Kevin said a bit more forcefully this time."We were just teasing you Kev," Joe said apologetically through the wooden door.There was a thump, and Kevin grunted and swayed as Joe and Nick shouldered the door open just enough to squeeze their way into the bathroom. "What's going on?" Joe asked."Nothing," Kevin lied as he turned his head to the side."That dream you were having was not nothing," Joe said firmly, crossing his arms and glaring at Kevin."How did you....I mean, why do you think I was dreaming?" Kevin asked.Joe smirked. "You were moaning."Nick wasn't smiling. "Who's Mike?"Kevin stilled and went deathly pale. "Who?" He stuttered out.Nick kicked Joe to stop him snickering. "You mumbled his name, a lot. And it's not the first time either," he added with an appraising look.Kevin swallowed. "I don't know who you're talking about," He managed to say without stuttering.Nick and Joe exchanged a look before they sat down on the edge of the tub and toilet."Kevin, you know you can tell us anything, right?" Nick said with a look directed at Kevin.Kevin swallowed hard and tried to think of a lie they'd believe. "Is this Mike guy at least cute?" Joe asked, beating him there. "Because I'd hate to think we were all losing sleep over someone fugly."Kevin blinked at Joe a lot. "What?" He asked in disbelief.Nick frowned at Joe and leaned over to smack him on the knee. He then looked at Kevin. "Kev, we know you like guys. We see you checking them out. It’s okay.""I, I don't check guys out," Kevin stuttered out as he ducked his head and wrapped his arms around his legs, rocking a little. "No," Joe teased. "I think ogle is probably a better description, you're right."Kevin felt like he was on fire with shame.Nick slid in closer. "You didn't think we'd care, did you?” he said, ignoring Joe. “Love is love is love," he added.Joe snorted even as he sat down on Kevin's other side. "He googled that. Watch out, he's got a whole folder of resources and stuff he's found online."Kevin half sobbed, half laughed as Joe and Nick both knocked his knees with their own."We don't care, Kev," Joe said softly, leaning his head against Kevin's shoulder. "Well, we care, but we don't care you like men. You like or love who you like or love.""That was almost poetic," Nick said at Joe."I know!" Joe said grinning. "I looked through your folder of resources."Kevin started laughing, soft, but with a sharp, hysterical edge. Immediately, both his brothers wrapped their arms around him.He brought a hand up to his eyes, wiping away the tears."Mom and Dad are gonna freak," he muttered."Sucks to be them, they'll just have to deal if they do," Joe said pragmatically, making Kevin laugh again."And besides, who says we have to tell them," Nick said firmly with a little sniff.Kevin and Joe looked at Nick."We're such bad influences on you," Joe said with a grin as he reached over to noogie Nick's head of curls.Nick batted his hand away. "Jerk." But he was giving them a small smile."Thanks, guys," Kevin breathed, feeling better about himself than he had in years.Joe leaned in. "No problem. But seriously, Mike?"Nick laughed as Kevin groaned. "Nope, not off the hook about that," he grinned. Kevin was glad Nick was smiling again."Mike...is complicated," Kevin said and heard his brothers protest. "I'm sorry guys, I'm still figuring things out here with him and until I know for sure, that's all you're going to get."Joe punched his arm. "Spoilsport. Is he at least hot?"Kevin groaned and let his head roll back to rest against the door with a thunk. "Like burning."Joe and Nick grinned and high-fived each other over him. "Now, can we get off these tiles, my butt is freezing," Nick asked.Kevin nodded and they helped each other up and slowly made their way back to bed.Joe pulled Nick onto their bed and they sandwiched Kevin in the middle."Guys, I think we're a little too old for this," Kevin said and then winced when he got an elbow in his back as Nick turned around."You are never too old for a cuddle," Joe declared as he got comfy.Kevin was going to argue, still vaguely humiliated by his brothers knowing he was on the edge of a wet dream, but the bed was warm and he was tired.He fell asleep instead.Waking up in Mike's caravan was an experience. Before he had always come into the Carnival by foot on the road."Kevin," Mike murmured and Kevin shivered when he felt Mike press up against him. "You came back so quickly."Kevin twitched when he felt hands settle on his hips."I just needed a moment to breath, sorry," he murmured, but didn't pull away.Mike smiled. "You okay?"Kevin nodded, smile small and honest. "Better than okay." Taking a deep breath, he reached out to pull Mike against him.Mike blinked in surprise but didn't stop Kevin and reached around to return the hug.They laid down on the mattress in the caravan. Mike moved them until they were comfortably spooned together. "Rest," Mike said. "It's okay."Kevin didn't dream the rest of that night, and woke feeling more refreshed than he had in years.* * *The rest of the tour passed in a whirlwind for Kevin. His brothers kept his secret and his parents were none the wiser.And sometimes it would be weeks between dream-visiting the caravan, sometimes it would be four days in a row. But now, it always ended with the pair of them snuggled together, feeling so warm and real.It was one of those times, alone in Mike’s blue caravan. Mike had Kevin's arms high above his head and lightly explored Kevin's face with kisses.Kevin let out a giggle."Did you just giggle?" Mike asked as he sat up a bit with a grin."Your whiskers tickle," Kevin grinned, wiggling under Mike.Mike hummed and dragged his whiskers deliberately across Kevin's cheek.Kevin gasped and stilled, suddenly, achingly hard.Mike grinned. "Now that's interesting."Any last lingering doubts about being gay had vanished. All Kevin wanted was for Mike to do that again, maybe pinning him down onto the mattress with his whole body."Again," Kevin rasped out.Mike grinned and ran his whiskered cheek down Kevin's cheek and then his neck.Kevin arched and twisted. "I wish this was real," he blurted out.Mike stopped rubbing. "You don't think this is?"Kevin smiled sadly and kissed the tip of Mike's nose. "This is a dream. A wonderful dream, but I'm going to wake up alone. And I don't even know if this is you, or a memory, or...." he could feel the dream starting to waver, feel himself starting to wake up.Kevin’s last memory was of Mike smiling sadly down at him, then he woke fully. He ran a hand down his face as he stretched out in his bed and tried to reorientate himself with reality. He was only partially successful.He felt out of sorts all day, snappish and grumpy. Joe and Nick finally got fed up and banished him to go get his head together before the show that night.Kevin stalked out of the bus and down the row of trailers, towards the roar of the festival. He needed to know what was real.He stopped dead in his tracks as a Prince of Hearts card floated down through the air right in front of him.Looking around wildly, Kevin didn't see anyone as he bent down to pick it up."Hey, up here,” a voice called.Kevin looked up into eyes he'd dreamed about. "Mike," he breathed.Mike frowned. "Have we met?” he asked, a flicker of recognition in his eyes. “Come on up, and bring the card that proves my victory with you."Kevin walked around to the back of the bus and climbed the ladder. He found Mike lounging on the roof of the bus with a few other guys.Kevin wondered if he really was still dreaming.The only other person he saw he sort of recognized was the guy who looked like 'B'. But he looked younger, less sharp and wary than the B in Kevin’s dreams.Kevin handed the card to Mike who took it with a grunt of thanks and placed his cards on the metal roof. "Full house, bitches. And no more trying to hide my cards."The guy who looked like B sighed and threw in his hand. "Fuck it, can't beat you even when I'm cheating. You and your fucked up deck." He stretched. "I want smoothies. You, new guy, take my seat."Kevin knelt down slowly on the warm roof in the space B had vacated."You know how to play?" One of the guys with gravity-defying hair asked. Kevin kept glancing back at Mike, who seemed absorbed in shuffling his cards with less grace and finesse than the Mike of Kevin’s dreams did."I think so?" Kevin said confused. "Oh, card virgin," A guy with an Australian accent said with a grin."You sure you want him playing with us, Mike?" This time it was the guy covered in tattoos who asked.Mike looked Kevin right in the eye, and Kevin wasn't sure if the grin was conspiratorial or not. He thought he knew Mike so well, and yet- "Yeah. It'll be fun. You in?"Kevin nodded. He glanced at the cards in Mike's hands and blinked.It was the deck. The deck he had made for Mike. His Mike.Kevin blinked again and swallowed and looked up at Mike’s face. He felt very confused as the cards were dealt out."Yeah, they're all hearts," the Australia confided. "Mike's deck is freaky.""Where'd you get such a weird deck anyways?" The guy with tattoos asked.Mike just smirked and Kevin had to swallow his gasp. He saw his Mike in that smirk. "From a very, very good friend," Mike said as they fanned the cards out.Kevin's heart was beating so hard he thought his ribs might break.He accepted his cards and fanned them out, held between his hands. The royal suite of hearts grinned back at him.Looking up from them he saw the others staring at their cards and Mike winking in his direction."Bets in?" He asked the others.Kevin glanced down. "Bet with Bill's chips, you can't do any worse than he has been," the Australian said. Kevin pushed a couple of the plastic disks into the pile in the centre."There ya go," The guy with the defying hair said."You know, you look very familiar," The guy with tattoos said."I guess I just have one of those faces," Kevin demurred, laughing nervously.Australian chuckled. "Lay off him mates.""You fuckers should also introduce yourselves, he's probably calling you idiots, 'you guys' in his head," Mike muttered loud enough for them to hear.Australian smacked Mike in the shoulder and looked at Kevin. "I'm Michael Guy, the one with the hair is Sisky and the one with tattoos is Butcher."Kevin swallowed. "Nice to meet you. I'm Kevin."He wasn't sure he was imagining it that Mike mouthed along as Kevin said his name. Kevin looked him in the eye, and saw Mike was staring back at him, his face a mirror of Kevin’s own growing confusion."And I've already said his name but in case you forgot it, the guy with the freaky deck is Mike," Michael Guy said."Less talking, more betting," Mike grunted out, breaking eye contact with Kevin to glare at his deck.Chips were tossed into the pile, cards exchanged out and Kevin tried valiantly to follow the game and wonder exactly how Mike was out here in the real world and not his dreams."Newbie takes all!" Sisky announced, snapping Kevin's attention back to the game. "Royal flush, nice."Kevin looked down at his cards and blinked. "Um, not really sure I meant to do that."Butcher laughed and ruffled Kevin's hair. "Beginner's luck."Kevin won the next three hands, and everyone but Mike threw in their hands. "We're outta here before Mike's cards and your freakish newbie luck get the clothes off our backs," Sisky announced. "Nice to meet you, Kev, rematch once your luck's worn off?" There were some slaps on the back, and then they were gone.And Kevin was alone on the rooftop with Mike.Mike collected his cards as Kevin just looked at him.He looked different than Circus Mike. The jeans were ripped, he was wearing a weird t-shirt and the hair looked like it hadn't been washed in a few days. Mike sighed and sat back, clutching his deck as he finally looked back at Kevin.They both stared at each other for a long time, mapping faces. Kevin was unsure what to say, whether to say anything.“Okay,” Mike said, breaking the silence. “Am I still dreaming?”“My question too. How about,” Kevin said, mouth dry. "Nothing either of us says in the next hour can be held as evidence of insanity." Slowly, he told his side of the story.Mike's eyes were wide as he listened, his hands gripping the deck of cards Kevin had given him. "You really did make this?" he asked. "Why is it so lucky?"Kevin shrugged, and dug into backpack he had dumped behind him on the roof. He pulled out the thick, soft bag he'd found for it, and produced the music box. "How does this work?" he asked, opening it so Mike could see it was empty even as music filled the air.Mike blinked as the familiar melody poured out. "I don’t know.""It was given to me on my eighteenth birthday," Kevin whispered. "In a parking lot while we still had a van. By you. In my dreams."And that also made Kevin think. If Mike was here, how did he grant his wish for things to be better for him and his family. How did he do anything that he had done.Mike sighed and shifted. "Okay, umm, still in the hour, right?” he checked, glancing around. “Well, in my dreams, we...we cuddled, and we..." He slumped. “You seemed so sad. In my dreams.”Kevin's hand touched his cheek, when he could still just feel the ghost of the stubble burn, the echo of Mike's scent. Slowly, telegraphing every move, he crawled over and gently pressed his nose into the junction between Mike's neck and shoulder.The scent was powerful and so familiar Kevin got half-hard just from that alone.Mike stilled. "Oh, okay,” he breathed, barely moving. “ That feels really, really familiar.""You smell the same," Kevin murmured, hands gripping Mike's t-shirt.Mike's hands were familiar shapes and weights, but the tentative touch was new. Kevin breathed deep, eyes closed, unsure what to do next.Mike leaned in, and his cheek brushed Kevin's, stubble rasping.Kevin stuttered, hips jerking just a little. "You love this," Mike said, like he was remembering. "You wanted me to hold you down. You kissed my nose."Kevin smiled as he pressed his lips to the very tip of Mike's nose. "Like that.""Exactly like that," Mike said and brushed his cheek against Kevin's cheek again.Kevin moaned and jerked up into Mike's grip.Mike chuckled. "Mike," Kevin moaned.Mike was breathing hard. "I've never slept so much in my life, I just wanted to be in the dream, with you," he admitted. "And I hated waking up, I thought you weren't real...""Same here," Kevin admitted as Mike reluctantly moved so that they could curl around each other.Mike kept touching, stroking. "You're really real? When I saw you, I thought maybe I was hallucinating," Mike admitted.Kevin blinked and pinched Mike's side. Mike yelped."Does that feel real enough for you?" Kevin asked with an impish grin.Mike lightly glared at Kevin and rubbed his side. "Brat."Kevin just cuddled in close. Unlike the dreams, when their surroundings faded away, here Kevin could smell and touch Mike, yet still feel the sun on their skin, hear the distant sounds of the tour."I don't want to let you go," Mike admitted. "I'm afraid you'll disappear on me again.""Me too," Kevin said softly. "And now that we've met in the real world, will we still meet in the dream world? And why exactly do we go there? What is the Carnival?""I'm sure it started in reality. I'm sure I went there. But you were there. In your hat."Kevin nodded, sitting up. "Ditto. And you in yours." He frowned. "Wait, I had a hat? I never had a hat, you did.” They stared at each other, eyes wide. Kevin tried to think. “Are there two versions of ourselves? Carnival versions, and us versions? What does it mean that we've now met each other, in this version?" The questions poured out of him, too quick to answer."I don't know," Mike said honestly.Kevin sighed and let himself lean back into the warm solid press of Mike's body. "I hope they're okay. Whoever they are."His cellphone beeped, and Kevin groaned when he saw the time. "I have to go play our set," he apologized to Mike. "Don't vanish on me?"Mike grinned. "I think I have to come watch, to make sure you don't disappear either."Kevin was stupidly aware of Mike in the side-stage as they played their set. Joe noticed him first, and shot Kevin a big grin between songs. But then they were being hustled offstage in the opposite direction, and Kevin lost track of Mike.There were signings and meet and greets, and then dinner with their crew, and all the while Kevin felt himself getting more and more wound up with the thought that maybe it was all just a hallucination after all.He tried to slip away, go find Mike's bus again, but Big Rob grabbed him by the scruff. "Come on, bus call."The bus was humming as Kevin slipped into his bunk.He was upset.He had lost track of Mike without so much as a phone number to prove that he was real. The only thing that calmed Kevin down was the fact that Mike was on the tour. So there was the chance they'd see each other again. Assuming Mike was really real.Kevin slowly fell asleep with these thoughts in his head.* * *He blinked, surfacing slowly in the carnival. He felt the laugh bubble up in his chest, and ran to find the blue caravan. He slowed as he saw Mike talking to someone, their back to Kevin. But he was wearing a long, thin top hat with a purple ribbon wound around the band.Kevin turned as he heard footsteps on gravel behind him, eyes widening as Mike, the Mike from the tour, came over. "Kevin?" he asked in confusion."About time," Kevin heard his own voice say. He looked over and saw his own face, eyes sparkling beneath the brim of the top hat. "We've been waiting for you forever.""What is going on?" Mike from the tour asked, stepping in to stand closer to Kevin.Mike’s doppleganger in the bowler slid his arm through top-hat Kevin's arm. "We were lost, and I found you, and my love found you," he said, nodding to Kevin and Mike in turn."But then you found each other, and that was enough of a link to bring me home," Kevin in the top hat finished. Kevin noticed that the carnival pair were gripping hands tightly."How?" Mike asked, voice choked. The question was ignored.Kevin put his hand in his pocket. Even in dreams, the charm was warm. He pulled it out and extended it, resting in his open palm, towards his doppleganger. "I think this is yours."Kevin in the top hat smiled at and closed his eyes as he extended his hand. His face was aglow as Kevin dropped his charm into his double’s palm. His double breathed deeply and opened his eyes to study the charm held between his fingers. “Thank you,” he said, reaching up to press it under the ribbon on his hat.Mike, the Mike from the tour, was digging into his own pockets. He held out something on a leather thong. "So I wouldn't lose it," he explained to his doppleganger's raised eyebrow.Carnival Mike wrapped his fingers carefully around the little charm and sighed as Mike from the tour let go.Kevin had a sudden realization. "We won't see you again, will we?"His twin laughed. "Oh, you will. In a mirror."A gust of wind blew through the carnival.Kevin blinked instinctively against the dust. When he opened his eyes again, he was staring at the top of his bunk and the bus was shifting gears.He felt the bus slow down and then pull to a stop. Peeking his head out of his bunk, he saw that the bus was quiet, everyone else asleep. Kevin swung his feet over the edge and jammed them into sneakers. As soon as the bus pulled into the driver’s rest spot and stopped, he was out the door.The night air was crisp, and he hugged his arms around himself, unsure what he was even doing up. A couple of the drivers were swapping places, and there were a few glowing cherries as the smokers took the chance to get a hit of nicotine before they drove on.Two arms wrapped around Kevin from behind, and Kevin tilted his head back, breathing in the already familiar scent. "Did you dream what I just dreamed."Mike nodded, Kevin's hair catching a little against his mouth. "Yeah. But you saw them. They found each other. They looked...""Happy," Kevin finished. His alter version's final comments were still swirling around his head."Yeah," Mike said softly as he hugged Kevin tightly, like he was afraid that if he let him go, Kevin would disappear again.Kevin watched the parade of buses pulling in, so like a row of caravans. One of them was even blue. "I want to be happy too," he decided out loud. "Like they were. In the end."He felt the soft press of Mike's lips against his cheek. "We've got a music box and a deck of cards," he said. "We've just found each other. I think we can make that happen."Kevin turned around in the circle of Mike's embrace and kissed him, long and deep, under the warm orange glow of the streetlight./fin