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After their first meeting they became quite good friends with each other. Toshiro would go to the human world to visit her whenever he had the time for it and even if she didn't want to admit it, she was glad he was her friend.
Karin remembered the times when he come over and they didn't play soccer, instead as she got older they talked more about life, than play as children. Unlike her human friends he was wiser, so talking to him was different, for one he understood her struggles with this other "side" of her life. Her human friends would never understand why she could see the dead, or why she would get random headaches when they hang out because a hollow was near. With him she could open up completely, complain about all the ghosts that annoys her or the constant hollows that attacks her, without sound crazy.
He even helped her with her problems by teaching her how to control her reiatsu, that way she would no longer feel pain when a hollow is near.
He taught her how to use a sword, hence why she started taking kendo classes, he told her that since she could channel her reiatsu into a soccer ball, she'd most likely be able to do it with other objects as well.
From the deepest part of her heart Karin hated this life, she had always found ghosts annoying. But with Ichigo's powers gone, she was the only one who could protect her family. It was her turn to protect Ichi-nii now. At first it was buying stuff from Urahara, but as her reiryoku continues to grow, those simple methods were no longer enough.But she could no longer hate it when he became a part of her life, she learned to accept her habilites and made a good use of it. That little girl who was in permanent denial was no more, because Kurosaki Karin grew up and learned about the truth of her origins.
Karin was strong, but no matter what, she was still human, and unlike Orihime, Chad she didn't have a special ability that helped her in combat.
So when several menos class hollow attacked the town she was taken by surprise, Urahara was out of town and the other powerful humans were nowhere to be seen, she was the only one who could hold them off. Her powers allowed her to kill a few, but she had a limit. She was only a human after all.
The last hollow managed to take her exhausted body and thrusted its long claws right into her heart, killing her instantly. She didn't even have the time to properly react before her body was dropped onto the ground surrounded by her own pool of blood.
When she woke up again instead of pain she felt light and when she looked around she found herself in her house.
Damn, I'm dead...
Toshiro didn't quite like humans that much at first. It wasn't like he hated them. He just felt very indifferent about humans since they can't see shinigamis or ghosts. Also humans tend to be fragile, weak.
But then Kurosaki Ichigo and his friends appeared and changed the soul society completely. A mare human managed to stop an execution, managed to defeat several captains and captain class shinigami, not to mention, 3 humans managed to get into the soul society without dying, it was all just unheard of.Maybe he was wrong about humans, they were definitely not weak like he thought they were. But they were still annoying nonetheless. Who give them the rights to treat him so casually? He was a captain and they should treat him with respect.
Right before the winter war, he was sent to the human world and for some sick reason they were asked to attend school because Kurosaki Ichigo and his friends were in high school. Why couldn't those humans mind their own business and leave him alone? He was aware his hair color was unusual and he was a lot shorter than the average high schooler. But, that didn't give them the right to mock him about it.
Upon meeting Kurosaki Karin he decided humans really weren't that bad. Her friends all admired him and it was an attention he never thought he'd get in his life. When he was in the Rukongai, kids were afraid of him. But those human children gave him nothing but positive attention and admiration.
He wasn't used to it, but it felt different and he couldn't understand why it felt different. And Karin… why was she so important to him? He couldn't understand those new found feelings.
It's been so long since he last had a real friend. Matsumoto was his friend but she was his lieutenant, she took orders from him. Hinamori was his friend too, but they grew up together, she felt more like a sister than a friend. Kusaka was his friend, but…Toshiro wasn't sure if he wanted to consider Ichigo his friend. The substitute shinigami was friends with most of the high ranked shinigamis in the Soul Society, but they had never been particularly close.Karin was different. She wasn't afraid of him, she even tried to protect him when that hollow attacked them at the soccer field, even though she didn't know who he was, she was still willing to risk her own life trying to protect him. He admired her courage, her compassion.
When Matsumoto said jokingly that he was interested in a girl from the world of the living, deep down he didn't want to admit it, but it was the truth. He really was intrigued by that girl. Because of her he wanted to know more about humans.
Over time he realized that he could call her a friend, a real friend. He knew she trusted him, because of all the little things she talked about when he visited. And slowly he started to open up more to her as well. To the point that slowly she became is part of his life, and he would do anything to keep her safe.
Which was why he volunteered to help her control her powers when her brother lost his. She had told him about her headaches, and he couldn't help but worry about her. He wanted to give her the power to protect herself when he couldn't be there to protect her.
"Captain?" His thoughts were broken by his lieutenant who was already half drunk.
"What are you thinking about? You look so gloomy today! Let's be happy for them!" Rangiku said, handing him a cup of sake, which he pushed away easily.
He turned his attention to the happy couple at the party they were at. They were currently at Kuchiki Rukia and Abarai Renji's wedding ceremony, and unlike most of the people who were getting drunk, he decided to stay away to watch.
"I'm not thinking about anything. Leave me alone." He said simply. He didn't care about weddings, he was only here because they invited him and it was rude to decline it.
"Well your loss, the sake is amazing!" With that Matsumoto left him again to join her friends again.
He sighed and his eyes fell on Ichigo and his friend, they were having a lot of fun. But his mind wandered off to Karin again.
What was she doing? Was she out killing hollows? He was worried, she was a human, and a liin human shouldn't be dealing with the dead.His thoughts was once again broken, this time by a shinigami informing them about an emergency in Karakura. After hearing this Ichigo and his friends quickly went towards the gate. Toshiro's eyes widened as he followed them. At that moment he could only think about one person.
Karin. Please be alright.
He was not prepared to see what was on the other side of the gate. Neither was anyone else who crossed the gate. He couldn't move, his body was frozen in place, he didn't want to accept this. Karin's lifeless body was being tossed onto the ground by a hollow.
"Karin!" He started reacting again when he heard Ichigo's loud voice calling after his sister. Without thinking about anything else, all he saw was red. His body moved on its own and released his shikai, killing the hollow with all his anger.
He landed once again where the others were. He saw Orihime trying to revive Karin, but it was useless. She was already dead even before she hit the floor. Her soul was already separated from her body and it was nowhere to be found. Ichigo was holding his lifeless sister's body crying. His hands were stained red by all the blood. Rukia who was still dressed in her wedding kimono and the other humans who followed Ichigo all stood there watching the scene in shock.
Toshiro had seen blood many, many times. Either his own blood or his enemy's blood, and it never affected him. But seeing the blood of his friend he almost broke down.
He remembered during the winter war he stabbed Momo. This felt different, because he knew Karin was dead and even if they did find her spirit, she would lose her memories once she passes on to the mother side.
He just stood there, he couldn't do anything, say anything. His mind went blank.
"Toshiro!" He came back at Ichigo's broken voice. He was standing in front of him with Karin's body in his arms. When did he get there? "I'm going back to the house and check if her soul is there. And send her to the soul society… I know you guys were friends, so will you take care of her body for me?"
He still couldn't say anything so he only nodded and the others left him there with Karin's broken body.
With the others gone he finally broke down. He dropped onto his knees and hugged the girl's cold body towards him.
Her wound was still fresh, the blood hadn't even dried off yet. It stained his white haori when he held her to his chest. The tears he didn't know he was holding started dropping onto her face uncontrollably as he cried for his loss.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry Karin, you died because of me" he whispered. If only he had stayed away from her life, he shouldn't have let her fight hollows, it wasn't a human's job. She was alive and had a long life ahead of her. But now...
He took a better look at her. She was covered in her own blood. "Do you remember that time you asked me whether you looked good in that red dress? I didn't answer, I'll tell you now that you looked beautiful in that dress. But now... You are dead, dead covered all in red. You are still beautiful" He said bitterly.
She looked so peaceful, almost as she was just sleeping and she could wake up at any moment. Toshiro couldn't do anything but drown in sorrow.
Se was a friend right? He was a shinigami, and losing friends in battle shouldn't be so unusual, they were trained worriors. So why did it hurt so much? When Kusaka died he didn't feel like this. But he couldn't even stop crying now.
"Get up son" Toshiro raised his head and saw his old captain dressed in his shinigami uniform standing in front of him.
"Captain Shiba. I'm sorry, I…"
"It's ok, Hitsugaya-kun, what happened wasn't your fault, I'm to blame as well... Did you know what she said before we sent her to the soul society?" Issuing looked at him sadly. When he didn't say anything Isshin continued "Karin wanted to thank you. She wanted to thank you for teaching her how to control her reiatsu. She wanted to thank you for being her friend."
"How can you not blame me for this? If I…" he didn't deserve Karin's gratitude. All he did was put her in danger.
"Karin would be mad at me if I blamed you. Besides, like I said, this is not your fault. Come on, you should go back and rest." The man said gently, as he took Karin's body from Toshiro's arms.
He hesitantly opened a gate and went in without looking back. He didn't deserve Isshin's kindness.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Toshiro went back to his work like nothing happened, on the surface he pretended his dear friend didn't just die, he was a shinigami, a captain. He shouldn't be broken about what happened, he had so many people who depended on him so he couldn't appear weak. Besides... He was the youngest captain, he had to pretend everything is fine, or else how could he be fit to be a leader?
But deep down he was broken, sad, angry, and buried under regret. Karin died because he taught her how to fight and put her in danger in the process. In a way he was the one who held responsible for her entering this world of death and destruction when she was a human. She really shouldn't have been involved.
Many could argue that being a Kurosaki she'd get involved sooner or later, but he could have just left her alone or find a way to seal her power so she could have a normal human life, one that she deserved.
After an entire sleepless night he wondered back to why he decided to teach her. He should have stopped after her headache problem was solved. Yet he didn't, he taught her how to use a sword, how to fight hollows.
The deep, selfish part of him wanted to teach her because it was an excuse to be near her, he wanted her closer to his world. The logical part of his brain was always against it.
Now that she was dead, he knew that Karin would sooner or later end up in the academy, someone with her potential will either be found by a shinigami patrolling like Rangiku had found him or she'd end up going to the academy herself. Considering how the next entrance exam will be a month from now, all he had to do was wait, and maybe he will see her one last time before he stays away from her life completely.
Karin deserves someone better, someone who wouldn't hurt her like he did. He hoped she never remembers about him, sure it hurts, but it was for the best, she was better without him anyways.
Much like he expected she really was attending the academy. News started flying that a new prodigy has been found and many Captains have been interested in this new soul. Rumours have it that she already knows how to control her immense reiatsu and this entire time she was just hiding her true potential.
Toshiro decided to volunteer for this year's demonstration at the academy, normally he ignored those kind of events, because he hated the attention, but if it means he could see her at least once, then he doesn't care what he has to do.
At the academy they were surrounded by a sea of students and his teal eyes searched for a pair of dark blue ones. He knew she was there, even if she was unconsciously hiding her reiatsu, he could still tell how close yet far away she was. When he finally found her eyes, she looked at him with confusion, recognition and some other emotions he couldn't recognize.
He quickly looked away and brought back his indifferent mask. Now that he knew she was fine he can finally walk away from her life. Not like she would even remember him. If she associated with him he'd always end up hurting her like he did with all his loved ones.
"Captain… that…" Rangiku whispered once they entered the hall.
"I know, but let's go, she's fine now" he said.
"But… aren't you going to talk to her?" Rangiku asked again.
"No, we will inform Kurosaki and Shiba. They will decide what to do, it's not my business anymore." he said coldly, deep down it hurts so much. But he kept telling himself that it was for the best.
"Captain…" Rangiku looked at him sadly "captain you know, you deserves happiness too" she added.
"Enough Matsumoto, Kurosaki Karin was just a human, a human I was asked to train. If you are done talking, we have a demonstration to do" he walked away and Rangiku followed close behind.
When he talked about how the Gotei 13 worked there were a lot of students in the hall, but his eyes could only focus on one person in particular. She was at the back of the room, looking like she was bored of being there, but for some reason she still stayed as she studied him. And it made him wonder, why was she there if she clearly didn't want to be?
After the demonstration he left the academy and with one last look he decided to walk out of her life completely. He informed Ichigo about it. And the orange haired substitute shinigami arrived as fast as he could.
Toshiro didn't know what happened afterwards and he couldn't care, it wasn't his business anymore. Until Ichigo came to his office one day.
"Yo Toshiro!" Ichigo opened his door without even knocking.
"It's Hitsugaya" at this point he didn't even know why he still bothered correcting him, not like he would ever listen.
"Anyways, I want to thank you for finding Karin for me"
"I didn't do anything, I was just there" he said without looking up from his paperwork.
"Still thanks, I know you guys were friends, so I think this must be hard for you as well. I just want to tell you that Karin's remembering stuff" Ichigo said.
With this Toshiro looked up. "What? Souls aren't supposed to remember anything."
"Yeah but who knows, like me I guess she's isn't exactly normal. The old man is a shinigami and we are technically part of the Shiba clan. So I guess that helped."
"We weren't friends Kurosaki, she was just a human who can see ghosts and shinigamis. Now leave, I'm busy"
Ichigo was soon in front of him and he was so quick that Toshiro wasn't even fast enough to react before Ichigo grabbed him by the collar.
"Look Toshiro, I don't know what happened between you and my sister. And to be honest I don't care. It 's her life. But I know this behavior. I know you blame yourself for her death, so you want to avoid her to keep your distance but you know what? All you are doing is hurting the people you care about even more." He let the young captain go and Toshiro was still so shocked he couldn't even move or say anything.
"I wasn't going to say anything. But if you keep this act up, you might as well stay away from Karin forever." Ichigo added before he walked out of his office leaving the young captain alone in his office.
While he really did avoid her like the plague, he knew what was happening in her life. The Captains talked about her in one of their meetings, she was very powerful and they had the discussion of where she should end up after her graduation.
Momo told him about a week after the meeting that Karin was in the 5th when he visited her. And she was already a seated officer because unlike a lot of the graduated students. Karin already knew shikai, so she was given the rank of 15th seat.
Over the years he knew that Karin had looked for him. But he was good at avoiding her, always telling his subordinates that he was busy when he felt Karin was in his division.
Rangiku noticed this but she didn't comment on anything. She kept Karin company since he was too afraid to face her.
He really thought he could avoid her forever. But unfortunately for him she got promoted about a decade after her death and she was transferred to his division as his 5th seat. His heart almost left his chest that day when she entered his office with some files in her hands.
"Kurosaki?" He asked in shock.
At first she was formal and she explained how she was his new 5th seat, and she was just there to hand in her forms. He nodded without saying anything. Then she snapped.
"I don't know what the fuck is your problem. How long are you planning to avoid me?" She asked.
Her outburst broke him out of shock and he coughed while trying to compose himself. His indifferent face just made her angrier.
"I wasn't avoiding you Kurosaki, I'm a captain, and I'm always busy" he answered without looking at her. He was afraid that by looking at her he'd break his composure.
"I call that bullshit. I thought we were friends, Toshiro! It's been 10 years, 10 freaking years and you haven't even come visit me even once. When I come over to visit you all I get is your squad members telling me you are too busy for any visitors."
He looked up. She was upset, and her voice was breaking his heart all over again. "Karin, I…" he wasn't strong enough to keep his cold mask any longer and he was going to tell her the truth and ask her to forgive him.
Their conversation was cut short because Seireitei was under attack And they both knew what they had to do.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Humans lose their memories when they die and go to the soul society.
It was no different for Kurosaki Karin. She arrived at 14th district of east Rukongai with no memories at all but her name.
When she woke up she was so hungry that she couldn't even move. Fortunately she was saved by an old couple who was passing by the woods and they brought her home and fed her.
"Oh my, young one you eat so much. The entrance exams are near. You might want to think about going to the academy for shinigami." The woman suggested.
"Academy for shinigami?" Karin asked.
"Yes, they will teach you how to control your strong reiatsu as well." The man said this time.
Karin looked down at herself. "Alright, I don't think I have anywhere else to go… when is the entrance exam?" She asked.
"In about a month. Don't worry child, we aren't trying to kick you out. We both think someone like you deserves to be a shinigami, you will have a better life as a shinigami." The woman smiled at her, assuring her.
"Thank you" Karin forced herself to smile. She was so confused. Her head was trying to remember but she couldn't recall anything.
She started living with the couple who saved her, not soon after the first night she started having weird dreams at night. Sometimes she dreamed of a woman talking to her but she couldn't see her or hear her clearly, other times she dreamed of herself, with some other people, they were quite vague but she had an idea that this was her life before she died.
She had a brother who was a shinigami, she had a sister called Yuzu, all her friends, a white haired shinigami who taught her how to control her powers.
Karin had no idea if any of those things were real or not, but they felt real to her. She was happy in those flashbacks, so she really want to remember them.
A month passed very fast, it really felt like nothing to her. That morning her adoptive mother prepared her some food and she started her journey to her new start.
She passed the test with flying colors and ended up in advanced classes. Her teachers were surprised that she was actually hiding her reiatsu. Karin didn't know that she knew how to do that. But if her dreams were real then that captain taught her how to do it and her body must have been doing this unconsciously.
Around a week after she started her classes, she heard news that a captain and lieutenant were going to visit them and give them a demonstration and answer any questions they would have about the life of being a shinigami. She was a little curious, after all everyone was talking about it, so it must be a big deal, but she knew about shinigamis, she was pretty sure she had met some before coming to the soul society. Not to mention her brother was one too, Karin couldn't understand how that was possible, but her dreams felt too real to be just a fragment of her imagination.
What she didn't expect was to see the white haired shinigami who appeared in her dreams. The woman following him looked familiar too, but she couldn't figure out why. She was confused, but at the same time this just confirmed her dreams were real, they were memories, not dreams. If that's the case then her brother, sister, and father were real too.
The boy's name Hitsugaya Toshiro hit her differently. She started remembering small fragments of her previous life as he talked more and more about what being a shinigami was about and what the Gotei 13 expected from them.
She was sure that they used to know each other, otherwise he wouldn't appear in her memories. But she wanted to know what he was to her to appear alongside her family. Was he a friend? A teacher? Or was he something more?
If I knew him somehow, would he recognize me?
Karin knew pretty well that souls lose their memories when they come to the soul society. Families get separated from each other unless they die and pass on together. So maybe he wouldn't really expect her to remember him.
For the rest of the seminar, she wasn't paying any attention at all, her thoughts were focused on her memories, she was trying her best to remember him. This Hitsugaya Toshiro must have been pretty important to her back then.
She felt like she was so far yet so close to the truth. There was this constant black mass in her head preventing her from remembering everything.
By the end of it Karin simply gave up, she was too exhausted mentally to think about it. Maybe it will come back in her dreams again.
However that night Karin didn't dream about her memories, instead she dreamed of that woman who tried to talk to her. This time she could actually see her and she revealed to her that she was her Zanpakuto for the first time.
To her surprise the orange haired boy in her dreams appeared before her as well. Karin was pretty sure he was her brother, the one who is also a shinigami. Was he dead? If so why was he with them in her memories? Karin wanted to ask but it wasn't really the time since she can't even remember his name properly.
He was so happy to see her and even if she couldn't remember him completely, she was happy to see him too.
"Ichi-nii" she didn't know why she called him that, it just felt natural.
He was shocked to hear her call him that. Because he probably didn't expect her to remember him. "Karin… you remember?" He asked right after they broke free from the hug.
"Kinda. I know you are my brother, and I remember some other little things. But I can't remember every detail and everything is so confusing, I'm sorry, i can't even remember your name. It's like I have this huge block in my head preventing me from remembering." She explained honestly
"It's ok, you aren't supposed to remember anything…" Ichigo said sadly.
"I know… I don't understand why I'm remembering." She gave him a look "will you stay with me for a while? Maybe being close to you will help recover my memories. I couldn't remember your name, but I called you Ichi-nii. Is that how I used to call you?" Karin asked.
Ichigo nodded "I'm Ichigo, Kurosaki Ichigo. I'm your big brother, of course I'll stay with you. I will stay here as long as you want me. I'm never leaving you again Karin" Ichigo stopped walking and held onto his sister again.
Karin couldn't understand what he meant by that, but she felt a lot better knowing that she wasn't alone anymore.
Ichigo stayed for a while and her theory was correct, little by little his presence was triggering her memories and she started to remember very specific times and events of her previous life. Including the ones about that white haired captain. He was her friend and maybe more according to the deepest part of her soul. She wouldn't admit that to anyone yet.
When she asked her brother about him Ichigo told her with bitterness in his voice that Toshiro was an idiot and nothing else. She was confused but she didn't ask anymore, knowing that the captain was probably just busy. And not like she was free herself, they placed her in very advanced classes and she was trying her best to catch up.
Karin was doing fine in the academy, she remembered all the training she had before her death, so other than getting her Zanpakuto there really was nothing that they could teach her. And when she eventually graduated in less than 6 years no one was surprised.
She was placed in the 5th division as the 15th seat, and now dressed in official shinigami uniform, she thought she was finally worthy to see her long time friend Toshiro again. With the help of Momo she visited the 10th for the first time and was disappointed when some random shinigami told her that their captain was very busy and couldn't meet any visitors. That day she met Rangiku again, despite her not being who she wanted to meet the most, it was still nice seeing more familiar faces that she saw in her memories.
Time after time she tries to look for him and every time she always fails, there is always some excuse, either he was on a mission, he was busy doing something or she was too busy to visit the 10th. Karin soon realized that he was avoiding her. So she stopped trying to seek out to him all together.
She didn't like it at all, it hurt like hell. Why was he avoiding her? Weren't they supposed to be friends?
I thought he cared about me.
Maybe not, maybe she was just a human to him, and what he did was just his job. She was his job. Since she died, he no longer needs to babysit her anymore.
Karin has never let those silly emotions affect her, just like when her mom died, instead of crying and making her sister and father worry, Karin became stronger. And so she did, she worked hard and moved up in rank, she was fine with forgetting about the past and she had been ok with it for the past decade, until the day Momo called her to the office.
"Lieutenant Hinamori, you called, is there something wrong?" Karin entered the room as she bowed to her superior.
"Relax Karin-chan, I just called you to inform you about a transfer." The older woman handed her a folder.
"Transfer? Why am I being transferred?"
"Karin-chan, you are a shinigami with amazing skills, so both captain Hirako and I think someone like you is wasted being a 11th seat. Matsumoto-san told me recently that their 5th seat position is open and we want to promote you. Of course this is your decision as well, but think about it alright?" Momo said.
Karin froze from her place. The 10th? That's where Toshiro was. Did she even want to be in his division? "Thank you, I'll think about it." She said softly before she walked out of the office.
Karin decided to accept the offer. This was her job, she was proud of being a shinigami, proud of herself for getting this far, so her past relations or problems shouldn't affect her growth. Besides, Kurosaki Karin was not a coward, she would face her problems head on. If he didn't want to see her then so be it, she will just treat him like another superior, or strangers if he doesn't want to acknowledge their past.
She acted professional when she first entered his office. He was in shock when she talked and when he didn't speak she finally snapped.
Unfortunately for both of them, their conversation was cut short because the Seireitei was under attack.
"Kurosaki, go gather up the rest of the squad, make sure they know what they need to do, then stay put in the division, don't go out there unless I told you to. Is that understood?" Completely forgotten about their conversation, Toshiro got up from his seat and looked her straight in the eye. He was completely serious and Karin almost saw some emotions behind his eyes.
"You can't do that! I'm a 5th seat. I can take care of myself just fine." She fought back. Kurosaki Karin was furious, how dare he tell her to stand down when the Seireitei could go into war at this exact moment? Was her black shinigami uniform not enough proof that she was capable of fighting? She was no longer wearing the white and red academy unifirm, she was a fulltime shinigami.
"I'm your captain, and I told you to stay here. This is an order Kurosaki."
"Pardon me, Captain Hitsugaya. But I believe I'll be more useful out on the battlefield than I will be here." She said bitterly. She didn't understand, he of all people should know how capable she was, he was the one who taught her all she knew. So why was he preventing her from doing something he knew she'd be able to do?
Toshiro came over to her and hugged her to his chest. Karin stood there in shock, she couldn't even return his hug from the shock.
"Please don't make this difficult for me, I already lost you once, and it was my fault, this time I'll protect you." He said softly and Karin couldn't move. She was slowly overtaken by anger.
Karin pushed him away and stared at him "don't give me this bullshit now Toshiro. You ignored me for 10 years and now you say you want to protect me? You want me to stay put and lay low while you go and fight in the front lines? Fine I'll follow your stupid orders, but just so you know, I'm a proud shinigami, my uniform is the proof of that. And I want to be treated like one." Still angry she pushed him aside and tried to walk out of the door.
He stopped her once again. "I'm sorry. I really am. I think we should talk after this is over." She didn't say anything and walked out of his office.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
They won the war again, with the help of Kurosaki Ichigo and his friends. While Karin wasn't in the front lines, she managed to protect the squad while the captain and lieutenant were away, she was a shinigami after all, and one with a powerful Zanpakuto. Regardless of what Toshiro told her, she was going to fight.
She wouldn't really admit it to anyone but she was worried about Toshiro. She only sighed in relief when the war ended and the squad members welcomed their captain and lieutenant back with a huge celebration. Karin left as soon as they entered the courtyard. He was fine, so she didn't have to be there. She knew what was going to happen next, he still wanted to talk. But Karin wasn't sure if she was able to talk with him after everything, she wanted to but she couldn't.
However he spotted her wandering around the barracks alone after a while. Karin mentally cursed herself, she knew he wouldn't really be at the party.
"Karin" he called out to her. "Do you have a moment?"
"I do, but you know what? I don't think we have anything to talk about. I think you were pretty clear with your intentions when you decided to avoid me. And don't come with the you just wanting to protect me bullshit. Just admit it, I was nothing but a human to you. I was wasting your time." Karin snapped at him. Maybe she was a bit harsh on him, but how could she not be angry when he avoided her for 10 years.
"No! You know that's not true, I avoided you because I was afraid, when you died I…" he said slowly. Not sure how to continue.
Karin sighed "you felt guilty?" He nodded.
"Honestly… why are all the men in my life like this? First Ichi-nii and now you too." She grabbed her forehead. "Look, I'm not in the mood for this talk right now. Good night Captain Hitsugaya." She bowed and left him there confused about what she said.
The next day he received some transfer papers from her and he signed them without thinking too much about it, she was being promoted to lieutenant of the 8th division.
He wanted to talk to her about what happened but this time around she was the one who avoided him, and he couldn't do anything about it.
Their life went more or less back to normal again. They had to fix a few things but it didn't take too long. He heard that she was adjusting quite well in the 8th as a lieutenant. And he was happy for her, she totally deserved that position.
Maybe that is how things should have been all along? They just weren't meant to be. After all Karin was not the fragile human she used to be.
No. She wasn't fragile.
He thought this was for the best, he could just go back to his old life without all those confusing feelings that he couldn't understand. Pretending Karin was just another part of his job.
Sometimes lying to himself is easy.
One day Ichigo came over to his office again and he expected the orange haired man to yell at him but he didn't.
"Toshiro, we need to talk" the orange haired boy said calmly.
"Kurosaki, it's Captain Hitsugaya. What do you want?" He looked up from his paperwork.
"I want you to talk with Karin. She has been miserable lately."
"Why me?" Why was she miserable?
"Look, I know I told you to stay away from her last time, but I know there is something going on. Rangiku-san told me about how you are feeling, and I know you are both miserable."
"She's avoiding me. Not that I blame her." Toshiro admitted.
"I'll ask you the same question I asked you before, you blame yourself for her death, don't you? And because of that you tried to avoid her and distanced yourself from her."
Toshiro nodded slowly. "It was my fault. I was the one who got her into this life, I trained her, i taught her ways to kill hollows when a human shouldn't be doing that. It was not her job, but because of me she…" the white haired captain got up from his table.
"I was always against Karin getting involved but I can't control her life, having those powers was something she wanted and she was happy to have them because she could feel useful, did you know that Karin always felt useless in our family? because she couldn't take care of us like Yuzu, and she didn't have any ability to protect us from hollows like me. " Ichigo yelled.
A few years back he'd be grabbing the Captain's clothes and maybe slap him or something for putting Karin in danger, but he matured and he understood that Karin had her own life, and no matter how much he wanted to protect her, he has to trust her.
"I know she loved having them, but you of all people should understand that this isn't the life of a human. I don't care who your father was, Karin was still a human when she took on the responsibilities of a shinigami. I should have never got her involved. If I hadn't, she could still live her normal human life right now." He yelled back.
Will he be further away from her life? Maybe. But at least he wouldn't have to see her die at a young age doing something that shouldn't have been her responsibility in the first place.
"And who give you the permission to decide how
I
want to live?" Both men turned towards the door where Karin was standing with her arms crossed.
"Karin, what are you doing here?" Ichigo asked.
"Rangiku-san convinced me to talk with him. And I think it's about time we settle whatever that's going on between us, I'd like to have a closure. Don't you have a son to look after Ichi-nii?"
"Right, see you later Karin. Will you come over for dinner later? Yuzu wants to see you"
Karin's expression softened "of course, I wouldn't miss it"
When her brother left her face turned serious again. She walked over to Toshiro and directly gave him a glare.
"Karin, I-" she cut him off.
"Will you listen to what I have to say first before you give me the same protect me excuse you always say?" He nodded hesitantly.
"You and my brother are very similar, you know. You are both very protective of people close to you, and when something happens to the people you want to protect you regret and blame yourself for what happened. When our mother died, Ichi-nii blamed himself so much that he started to distance himself from us. Hurting us in the process. You really hurt me when you decided to avoid me." Karin said softly.
"I thought you deserved to have better friends. I'm not exactly the best person to be around, I know you don't blame me for what happened but I can't help but feel like I was a part of why you died." Toshiro said.
"What do you mean by I deserve better? You were my friend and I didn't want to admit it but you were more than a friend to me Toshiro, sure I had my human friends but they would never understand me like you did, they wouldn't understand why I have to leave in the middle of a soccer game because of sudden headache when hollows are near. They will never understand why I sometimes yell at the air because a ghost is bothering me. You've always been there for me. You taught me how to control my reiatsu when hollows come near so I wouldn't suffer those headaches, you taught me how to properly defend myself when a hollow appears, you trust me with information that not even my brother and father want to tell me." Karin looked at him with so many emotion that he wasn't expecting to see from her.
He was frozen in place by her almost confession. "You used to see me as more than a friend?" He asked not able to comprehend the emotion.
Karin blushed "of all that, you only focus on that line?" Toshiro nodded.
"Look, I had a crush on you, so what? You have always been this cool, mysterious guy who knows how to play soccer." She admitted.
She would never admit it to anyone but Toshiro was her first ever crush, at the time she didn't understand the feeling but later on as she got older she started to understand how feelings work.
"Do you still have those feelings?" He asked and this time he was the one blushing.
"Does it even matter? Look, that's not what we are trying to talk about here, can we just move on?"
Toshiro walked over to her and stood right in front of her, he brought her into an embrace again, when she fought to let go he didn't. "Karin, you've talked, so now let me talk. And it matters because I might feel the same. I don't know what this feeling is, but I think I like you. When I volunteered to train you, teach you how to fight hollows, I was selfish, I used it as an excuse to be closer to you, it's weird and I never understood it but you make me feel different emotions that I'm not familiar with, you made me open up like I'm doing right now. I could never be a part of your world, so I wanted you to be a part of mine." He felt her corresponding his embrace and he sighed.
"You know, you didn't need any excuse to be close to me. We were friends and friends don't need excuses to be with each other." She said softly as she hugged him, it felt good to be in his arms.
"I didn't know. I didn't know how relationships work, all my friendships are either work related, or somehow ends unexpectedly. Even my relationship with Hinamori changed when we grew up. But I really did mess this up big time didn't I? When you died and came to my world I didn't know what to do, so I became a coward and avoided you and the possible problems because I didn't know how to deal with it."
"Honestly you really did mess up. To me you will always be a dear friend, no matter what, it always hurts when you lose a friend, and I thought you didn't care, next time please tell me how you feel"
He separated from the hug and gave her a bitter smile "I didn't think this one through and hurt us both pretty badly. I understand if you don't want to forgive me, I wouldn't forgive myself either."
Karin sighed "I don't know. Heck I don't even know if I still have those feelings I had before, just give me some time?" She asked.
Deep down she wanted to go back to how they used to be, since she only agreed to talk with him because she didn't want him gone from her life, but at the same time another part of her doesn't want to forgive him just yet. Karin was conflicted.
Toshiro nodded "I understand, I'll stay away from you until you are ready to accept me again." He said seriously.
"What's wrong with you!? I don't want you to give me space, I just need time. Toshiro, I don't want you gone from my life." When he looked at her eyes he could see her determination that she wanted this relationship to work as well. "Let's just start slow, how about that?" She asked after a while.
He nodded and he promised himself he would do anything to get her back and fix his mistakes even if it takes him a lifetime to do so
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Toshiro often heard that real friendship will never be lost and he knew that saying was right. No matter how much hardships they go through they always find a way to come back to each other.
That's how he would describe he and Karin's current relationship. They tried to go back to how they used to be when she was still alive, like getting together to watch the sunset, have dinner together or simply talk about what they did during the day. They did that more often now that she was in his world as well.
But they haven't talked about the past, only about the present and the future, because even if they decided to start from the beginning and start slowly, the past was still a sensitive topic for them.
Even after all those years he still couldn't understand what love was, he knew
it was an emotion but he didn't understand why people had it, since it seemed to be so bad, from what he has seen so far. Hinamori got hurt because she fell in love with a traitor, Matsumoto was hurt because the man she loved died, his previous captain left all his responsibilities to him and abandoned them because he fell in love with a Quincy.
He knew that the feeling he had for Karin was love and he kind of confessed to her during their reconciliation. She told him that she liked him too. But now more time had passed since then, he was afraid to say anything because he wasn't even sure if she still feels the same way. Telling her would be risking this nice relationship they had just fixed.
Lost and doesn't know what to do next he went to see the person he was afraid to meet. Karin's father, his old captain.Isshin always seemed like a clown to outsiders, but people who knew him well knew that he was a powerful man and gets serious when he needs to be.
Arriving at the Kurosaki household, Isshin was already waiting for him there and welcomed him in like he was his own son.
"Captain." He said.
"Come on Toshiro! Don't be so formal with me, you can call me dad." On this occasion Isshin was acting like his usual self. So Toshiro decided to go straight to the point before he could tease him even more.
"I came here to talk with you." The white haired captain said seriously, almost business like.
Isshin sighed and his face turned serious. "I know why you came today, son. I guess you still haven't figured out what love is?" They've talked about this before when Toshiro came for answers. Isshin once told him that he will only understand when Toshiro himself falls in love.
Toshiro shook his head. "No, I know what it means… and I know my own feelings, but I don't know how to express them. I'm afraid that I'd mess up again." He admitted. His head low as he looked at his lap.
Isshin sighed, fully expecting the boy to come here and talk with him about this, and even if he never said any names he knew Toshiro was referring to Karin.
He should be angry at him, after all he hurt Karin for so long. But he couldn't. Toshiro reminded him so much of his son Ichigo, and he knew he was hurting himself too when he made that decision to give her space. He couldn't fault the boy for thinking avoiding her was the best option, he was young and made a mistake that only ends up hurting everyone involved. Much like what Ichigo did when Masaki died.
Besides, he couldn't deny Karin's happiness. Toshiro was a great person and he trusted him to be there for his daughter and make her happy.
"You've changed, as you fixed your relationship you learned to open yourself more and share your feelings more with her. Just do exactly that. Tell her how you really feel. Like you Karin changed as well, she's opening herself more as well." The older man could see change in both of them. They used to be closed off people who always hides how they feel, but ever since the incident, they learned to communicate with each other and open up.
"What if I mess up again? She told me that she needs time, how do I know that this is enough time?" It's been a few years since that conversation and Karin hasn't shown any signs of wanting anything more than what they already have.
"You won't. Trust me." Isshin gives him a little wink. "Knowing my daughter it might take her a while to answer you back if you tell her, but I'm sure she loves you back as well." He added.
"Thanks captain Shiba." He said softly.
"You know, you are quite lucky, you and Karin. You don't have to make a choice." Isshin said slowly. Sometimes he wondered how things would have been if Karin hadn't died. Would they still have a relationship like they have now? Most likely yes but it would be different. Isshin shook his head, Karin did die early so there was no need to think about the what ifs.
Toshiro's eyes widened when he realized what he was talking about. "Captain, do you ever regret staying in the human world?" He asked that question for the first time since they met again after Isshin was exiled.
"No, not at all. I don't regret marrying Masaki and living this life. For as short as it was, I was happy." Isshin said with a soft smile.
Toshiro nodded "I think I understand love more now." He said.
"Oh? What is it?"
"To love, means you are willing to sacrifice. I know I don't have to stop being the captain of squad 10, but I know for sure that if I had to choose I'd choose my happiness over my rank any time." He said.
He never truly wanted to be a shinigami. He did because if he didn't he could kill his grandmother with is powers. He never wanted to be a captain so young, he did because Isshin left and he was the best choice.
But it really didn't matter now that Karin was in his world.
Isshin chuckled "I'm glad you understand, but don't think too much about the what ifs, you don't have to. Just don't forget to invite me to the wedding." He teased playfully, enjoying Toshiro's blushing face.
"I'm leaving" still blushing, Toshiro got up from his chair and walked out of the door followed by Isshin's laughter and cries to Masaki's poster.
Later that night Karin was about to leave the office to find him, but he showed up in her office instead.
"I hope you don't mind, but I just came back from the human world, so I came to find you instead of going back to my office" he said softly as he waited outside her office door. Lisa was currently in the human world visiting the other visords so Karin was alone.
"What did you have to go to the human world for?" She asked curiously as they walked out of her division.
"Nothing important, I just had to do something. Anyways, the usual place?" He asked.
Karin nodded, ignoring his quick change of topic. She realized he doesn't really have to tell her everything. "Yeah let's go, I'm starving."
"Karin... There is something I want to tell you" he said after a while as they walked in a consistent pace.
"What is it?" She asked. She was a little curious, but could he want to tell her for him to look this serious.
"Nothing bad, at least I hope not. I'll tell you once we are at the restaurant." He assured her.
"So what did you want to tell me?" Karin asked once they settled down at the table.
"Karin. I know you want time, but I just want to tell you, this time more certainly that I love you." He said seriously.
Karin froze. He still loved her?
She still loves him too. So why wasn't she telling him?
"Toshiro... Can you give me some time to think about it? I... I'm sorry" she suddenly got up and left the restaurant before he could even say anything.
Why did she run? She wasn't even sure where she was going. She felt the same way right? So why didn't she stay and tell him that?
Without realizing she actually arrived at the 10th, Rangiku found her sitting in front of the gate alone."Karin-chan? What's wrong? Weren't you having dinner with captain?" She asked while she helped the younger girl up.
"Rangiku-san I messed up" she said softly.
"Tell me what happened, come on let's get you inside." Rangiku took her to her own quarters and served them some tea."Tell me what happened." The older woman asked.
"Toshiro confessed to me. And this time he was so serious about it I didn't know how to react. So I run, now I think I hurt him." She explained.
Rangiku sighed. She needed sake for this, dealing with those 2 was something else, but she wanted them to be happy.
"Let's start simple. Why did you run away?" She asked.
"I don't know. When he told me I just got scared and I run away."
"Do you not return him feelings?" Rangiku asked again. She was pretty sure that Karin returned those feelings. But he could be wrong."I did, well I think I still do. I know now that I loved him and I never stopped loving him even when he avoided me those years. During that time I told myself he will never love me, I buried those feelings so I could move on. When we reconciled again I told him that I had a crush on him. He wasn't sure about his feelings, but he said he liked me." Karin explained the best she could.
Rangiku nodded slowly. "If at that time you both confessed to each other in your own way then why aren't you together?" She asked.
"I told him that we should slow down and start from the beginning. Because I wasn't sure if I still had those feelings at that time.""If you are sure about it now then why did you run?"
"That's what I don't know." Karin said truthfully. She wish she had never ran from him.
Rangiku give her a small smile. "Karin-chan I think you are still afraid that this won't work out. You are afraid to change, your friendship is strong and I understand you don't want to throw that away. But you know being in a romantic relationship doesn't mean you can be friends anymore."
"You don't? But I thought..." Karin stopped herself after realizing how silly she has been."No, in my opinion to have a good romantic relationship you need to have a good friendship first. After all you need to trust them other person, you will be sharing a part of your life with that person.""I do trust him, when we talk about stuff I open myself to him." She said.
"Karin-chan, relationships aren't perfect and will never be perfect. There will always be little problems that you will find but communication is the key, if you don't express what you feel, your partner can only guess. You can be afraid of changing, but talk to him about it, I'm sure he will understand." Rangiku said.
Karin nodded "thank you Rangiku-san for the advice, I understand what I have to do now."
"No problem, just remember to serve me sake at the wedding!" She smirked.
With that Karin left blushing.Finding him was pretty easy, she knew him enough to know that whenever there is something bothering him, he'd be at his office working.She hadn't stayed that long with Rangiku but she knew he wouldn't be dining alone after she left.
He was not as shocked to see her as she thought he was.
"Karin?" He didn't sound angry or sad, so Karin was a little relieved.
"Sorry about before, I didn't mean to run away like that. And I want to tell you that I didn't run away because I don't feel the same. I do, I love you too. I ran away because I was afraid of change. It's silly I know but... You know me and feelings." Karin tried to laugh it off.
Toshiro chuckled. And she looked at him in shock. "Why are you laughing? I'm puring my heart out right now."
"We are both pretty bad at this. Your father told me it will take you a while to reply and he was right. You know I was afraid to confess too, I was afraid that I would mess up, we are very bad at this entire romance thing."Karin did laugh this time "and communication. Rangiku-san said I should've told you how I felt, and she's right so do you have time to talk right now?" She asked.
"I do, since you left I ordered take out. Let's eat while we talk." He said."Pretty romantic for a first official date, don't you think?" Karin commented sarcastically as she sat down in front of him."Shut up"