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“I told you to wait.”
You hear Sam’s angry voice for what must have been the fifth time today. And as much as you know it comes from a place of concern, enough is enough.
“And I told you I could handle it. How many times should we go over this?” the exasperated side glance you give him says it all.
“It’s not on you to make that judgment. I’m—”
“The one in charge. I know!” You stop walking. Sam follows suit, both of you letting out a frustrated sound at the heat. “And you sure have a funny way to show it.”
That does it for him. Not in the way you expect a guy to lose his temper and say something harsh, but more in how his chest tightens at the meaning behind that. First, he has to see you take onto more troops than you can handle on the duo mission, trying to deploy, to distract them, so he could succeed and come unscratched. But by doing so, you disobeyed him, got hurt, and tired yourself out to the point he found you vomiting the moment he was able to rush to your side to take it from there.
And now you imply that this goes beyond the field.
The mission was barely a success. Your actions were key to that, but not in a way Sam considers sustainable. He doesn’t see your life as less or more disposable than his. To him, you’re his equal. But if he has to use his new title as Captain America to avoid casualties like this, or for him to take the bigger burden... He will.
“Oh. So you think it’s easy being the one to call the shots? Because it’s not, and you’re wrong. Almost as much to think you can go around dropping hints and thinking it isn’t going to affect us out there.” he says dead serious. “For God’s sake, Just say what you are thinking. If you refuse to retire to the infirmary, then that’s the last thing we can do to sort this out.”
You grunt in frustration, not liking how he turns this on you and keeps giving you orders.
“You wanna know what I think? Sure. Let’s start simple. You are a hypocrite if you think you’re the only one who can make sacrifices, and I’m sorry, but I’m not willing to accept your worries until you realize that I have my own too!” You say in a bit of a rush. “If we can’t put our emotions aside, maybe we shouldn’t work together at all!”
“So that’s it? That’s your big plan?” he retorts, incredulous. “Putting people at risk in hopes that we never cross each other in the field? It won’t do. If we have a problem, we work through it. ’Cause once we’re out there, it isn’t about us—”
“BUT IT IS ABOUT US, SAM! IT’S ABOUT ME.” You weren’t expecting to retort into yelling, but the situation got the best of you. “You think it’s no big deal seeing you risk your life for people who would have you replaced the moment you die? That I should be near by every time you’re sent off to the end of the world and pretend that’s a normal relationship? I GET IT! We are FAR from ordinary, but I’m tired of not talking about it.” Seeing Sam’s conflicted expression as he shakes his head brings you back to yourself. And as much as you want to feel regret, the main thing you focus on right now is how tired you are, finding the closest wall and letting yourself fall as the adrenaline wears off. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t—”
“Don’t.” He kneels down to do a quick check-on on you. “It’s fine. You’re hurt.” He whispers. “I can’t tell you what to do, but please. There’s a medical team in the building. I may not be your favorite person right now... But let me help.” You don’t answer with words, accommodating him to hold onto his shoulders instead and walk side by side.
“What you said back there, I—”
“I said it was fine. We don’t have to talk about it now.” He finishes instead.
You try to laugh it up.
“I was just going to say... That I don’t play favorites. So don’t stress about it too much while you do the paperwork.”
Against his better judgment telling him to remain serious, he snorts. Not expecting you capable of jokes now.
“And here I was thinking you chose this gig because you liked me best... I’m heartbroken.” He pouts jokingly.
The giggle that you share afterwards is nice, but it’s not enough to dissipate the tension that ensued moments before. And as much as that’s usually Sam’s job, you wished a certain third part was there to set things right, even when he had to submit himself to hear two versions of the same fight.
###
The room they put you in wasn’t half bad, but it felt cold once you were left alone with strangers. Sam having decided to give you some space.
The patching didn’t take very long, but your symptoms, combined with the difficulty to get here on your own despite not having big visible injuries, earned you a few extra tests. Having to wait for quite some time before getting a full diagnosis, you rub your face in an exasperated manner.
Your worry would’ve increased after the third hour if not for the knock on your doorframe.
“Heard sparks were going high today.” Says Bucky in a static pose while you roll your eyes at his lame attempt to cheer you up. Sam must have called him. Still, you accept his affections as he comes closer to place a kiss on your head, rubbing your back slightly. “How are you feeling, doll?”
“Who wants to know?” You smile in his direction and rest your head on his body. “The doctors haven’t told me everything, but I’m here in one piece. So that should count for something...”
“Oh, I’m sure. But how are you feeling?” He catches your eye, making sure you know what he’s really asking you about.
You sigh.
“So you heard... Why am I not surprised?” He shrugs, smiling again as he holds your hand. “I’m... Alright, I suppose. Feeling bad about Sam and how I treated him, most of all.” you avoid his gaze, not sure of how much he knows.
He muffles a sound of amusement.
“I don’t think Sam even has the time to feel bad about himself. I wouldn’t worry.” You look at him, confused.
“But I still do. I shouldn’t have treated him like that. He was right. I should’ve told him what I thought. Told you both, really.” You expressed, closing your eyes.
“And what would that be?” says Bucky, trying to weigh in for both of you. Worried that this was bigger than the three of you, somehow...
You let the silence lingers for a bit before voicing an answer.
“I haven’t been feeling so well lately, and I think it shows on my performance... Today was proof of it, I’m sure.”
“Weren’t you ambushed, though?”
“That wouldn’t have stopped me before! I know what I’m talking about, Buck.” You raise your voice a little, immediately remembering earlier and trying to calm yourself by resting your head back on the bed. Not wanting a repeat from before.
“Hey... I believe you. Just trying to understand, that’s all.” He sits in bed with you, trying to comfort you. “What do you want to do about it? How did it affect your fight?”
His interest sparks something warm in yourself, and you can’t help the caring eyes that meet his when you look at him. Bucky gives you the time you need to enjoy the intimacy, and starts caressing your hand and wrist with his own flesh. The simple action has you ignoring everything but his touch. And although you are certain you could fall asleep to it despite all else, you know he’s waiting on you to tell him the facts at some point. And It's better to do it while you feel the moment is right, so you start.
“I told Sam we shouldn’t work together anymore... Mostly because my reason for taking missions lately is the two of you, and I don’t want you risking your lives alone with how things are... Despite the pain, despite everything.” Barnes wants to ask further on that last part but senses there is still more to the story.
He is correct, so you continue. “But... in my head, if Sam isn’t willing to accept my sacrifice, then it defies the purpose, y’know? But how could he? I... wasn’t telling him— Telling you about any of this.” you take a deep breath, realizing something as you speak. “Maybe it’s time for me to step out completely.”
Bucky goes stiff, and you feel it immediately.
“That’s a big decision, don’t you think? We’re talking retirement?”
“Maybe... Ugh, I don’t know! But what else can I do?”
“I...” he shakes his head, sealing his lips before voicing anything else. “Can’t make that decision for you, and I’m sure Sam would feel the same.”
You look defeatedly at your lap, expecting that kind of answer.
“We can, however, just wait for a while.” he invites your head to rest back on his shoulder. “You’ll figure it out. Go back to the root of the problem and think… We probably won’t find the answer in this room, anyways. So let’s just make sure you’re alright, okay?” You still seem sad at his words, but the nod you give him before pecking his lips has Bucky feeling a little more at ease. The way your foreheads stay connected afterward is a close second when it comes to things that can effectively calm him down in a matter of seconds.
However, the moment is cut short by motion in the background.
One of the doctors comes in, not really acknowledging the partner currently by your side. Bucky takes this as his sign to leave after sensing he’s not needed for what it’s to come. You catch onto his thoughts without words, and look at his apologetic stare.
“You’ll be alright by yourself?”
“Yes, just go.” He nods, giving you a quick kiss on the cheek as he promises to meet you outside.
Dr. Anat offers you a smile.
“Not interrupting anything, am I?” She asks, thinking is a little too late to ask, but you shake your head nonetheless. “Good, because I’m cutting straight to the point and would prefer to deal with one soldier at a time.”
You furrow your eyebrows, opening your mouth to question her, but she beats you to it again.
“You are pregnant.”
You freeze. Hoping nothing more than to zone out and for time to stand still as you once imagined could happen to most people in this exact situation (as if you were in a movie...). But obviously, that doesn’t happen. You are painfully aware of where and who you are with right now.
More importantly, you are mindful that the two men you treasure with your life might have to get this news from you (should you decide to involve them). Judging from the fact that the woman in front of you is having a hard time looking you in the face. Fixing her glasses as she stares at the corner of your bed instead.
“For how long?” you trembled.
“10 weeks is our guess for now.”
“How is that possible?! I haven’t been missing periods for that long!” You start getting exasperated as the reality of the situation hits, no matter how surreal it might have been moments ago. Everything since the blip has felt like a blur in your head. Yet, you still feel the need to defend your case, as if that could change anything.
“Have you noticed anything different about your discharge? Such as quantity or color? Implantation bleeding gets confused with period blood quite often. It might explain why—” You don’t hear the rest or really pay attention to the information she’s providing you from her tablet. You pretend to, though, trying to be polite. The poor woman it’s trying her best to address the situation, knowing damn well what this could mean for you and the world depending on how you proceed with this pregnancy. All the while trying a little too hard not to mention anything involving the father. Fully aware of your situation (as most people from the inside were).
On the last point, you can meet halfway with her… The only thing on your head being the burden of delivering the news, and wishing you could ignore it as you weighed your options and decided not to keep this between you and the cautious Professional.
###
Bucky is shocked, to say the least.
Knowing he was across the hall was all you needed to target him first. Others could have handled it differently and tell both at the same time, but you couldn’t lie to his face the moment you set foot out of that room.
Whether he was open to admit it or not, his initial lack of response was very much on character. But his urgency to insist you should sit down as you explained everything... That he takes after Sam, and you can’t help but grin at the comparison.
“What—? I’m serious! You’ve been through hell these past weeks. I can’t even fathom how a literal child is growing inside of you right now.” His eyes widened, unable to look at anything but your waist every now and then. You roll your eyes at him.
“First off, I know you’re old, but we don’t consider embryos as literal children in this century.” He blushes at your words, remembering how often you lecture him on terminology these days. “Second of all, you said it yourself! After everything I’ve been through, how would it be possible for me to tamper with this pregnancy by just standing around?” You ask, genuinely incredulous as him until an idea crosses your mind. Bucky reads your expression immediately.
“What is it?”
“I’m not sure, but something just occurred to me and— Oh god, you have every right to discard the idea but... Would it be possible for cells to take after the serum? You know its properties better than me, and it might explain how... Y’know...”
You lower your head at the implications. Bucky’s eyes widening again at your words, not really having an answer for you.
“I don’t know.” He simply states. “I wouldn’t put it past us completely, but you might just have a stronger than average body in general. We know that… Better to spare those details to Sam, though.” he laughs nervously, trying to wave the tension.
“Spare me from what?” Both of your heads turn in a rush to the source of a voice you know quite well, hoping to guess how much he heard. Judging by his approaching steps and bewildered expression, not much.
Bucky clears his throat, giving you a look that can only express something such as ‘he’s all yours.’
Oh, to hell with that.
You punch his arm quite hard, letting him know how displeased you are at what he just did.
Sam is growing worried by the minute and decides to approach you first as he originally planned on the way here. Checking on you was his priority right now.
“Everything okay, beautiful?” he softly queries while holding and caressing both of your shoulders with his thumbs. You melt at the beautiful brown orbs staring at your whole being at this very moment, somehow making it easier to confide in him.
You take a deep breath and decide to go for it...
“Yes, I’ll live.” You reassure him, bringing a hand on top of his as you continue. “But there’s something you should know...”
###
Bucky was actually more helpful than expected, being a supporting source for most of the initial shock that overtook your boyfriend at the moment. Sam tried not to show it and give you his full attention, but you could see something small in his eyes hinting that now he was the one in dire need of sitting down.
From one moment to another, though, you find him hugging you with a raw emotion you can’t quite place… You’re a bit confused, but hug him back and feel some tears threatening to go down. Without knowing why… Something tells you this is to keep him grounded while still showing his involvement and support.
And you’d be correct.
It’s not that the former Falcon is scared of how this could go (for now, at least), but rather, he’s putting context to some of your hardships these last couple of months. He feels even more guilty for everything, but he’d be lying to say he is not impressed and admires you more than anyone else in this world.
Bucky and him share a knowing look mid-hug, having to ask something they’re not quite sure how to approach (the former rather than the latter).
“So what are your thoughts on this, sugar...?” He asks, not a trace of judgment on his eyes as he separates from you, still holding your arms. “I know it’s rather sudden, but just know we’ll follow you on whatever you want to do.”
“That’s right. The choice is yours. We’ll be here either way” Bucky backs up, making you somewhat more emotional, knowing his background.
Their support really means everything to you.
Looking at both of your boys appreciatively, you let the silence take over before answering truthfully.
“I’m not sure.” you smile apologetically at them. “I told James I was looking into retirement just a few moments ago but for totally different reasons... This really puts things into perspective.” You pause, thinking about your next words carefully. “Even so, there’s one more thing I need to talk about before anything else.” Taking a step back from Sam, you brush his arms as you go until only your hands are holding his. “Sam, I’m so sorry. I don’t want to ignore our fight because something else came up, even if you might feel more inclined to forgive me. You were right. Wherever we are, I shall tell you how I feel and expect the same for you… I want to focus on that, no matter what.”
He returns your smile with his own, furrowing his brows and wanting nothing more than to kiss you and tell you not to worry about it. But he’s listening, and he knows you wouldn’t want that. So instead, he says: “I’m glad we are talking about it, about anything really. Sorry if I’ve been dismissive lately. It’s not an easy position you’ve been in— Even before this. And I should have been more considered.” He turns to Bucky, still holding your hands. “I’m here for you guys, and I should know better than to carry the world on my shoulders by now. Please, keep holding me accountable.” He begs in good nature, and although that last part was directed at you, Bucky still meddles in to annoy him.
“Damn right I will. Being the devil’s advocate for you two is getting older than me. Grow up already.” Three different laughs fill the hallway as one of the soldier’s fingers points at you and Sam. It’s hard to take him seriously when he’s lecturing anyone, and you all know it.
“He’s not wrong, though… Should we cut him a break?” you say in complicity as Sam stares at you lovingly, humming in agreement as he goes for a kiss. You accept eagerly. Cutting it short as you look for Bucky again, inviting him to come closer with an extended arm and hugging both of them as he comes closer.
They reciprocate the action, and you start feeling hopeful for the future for the first time in a while. Having them by your side, knowing they’ll be there for each other and vice versa.
“You know I love you guys, right?”
“We’d be pretty suspicious if you changed your mind, given the circumstances.” The captain at your side replies with a smirk and a raised brow. “I love you too, sweetness.”
“Ditto.” says Bucky, ever the speech man.
The tears you were previously holding never come. But the same amount of emotion overcomes you until you can properly enjoy the moment.
Yes, there are big decisions ahead, but you can take them. You are not alone... Far from it, actually.
And you’re starting to feel like it again. What better news than that could have come your way today?