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Erwin had time now, but he wouldn’t have time soon. There was no way around the inevitable, he had accepted this long ago; time sieved through him and washed away his fear, his doubt, his feckless mercy.His pen quickened as Mike stoked the fireplace awake. In the corner of the room, a long-case clock was peering down at him, standing in stoic judgement. Eight minutes left. In a scratch, he was done. Erwin flexed his aching wrist and read over the message just once. There was no need to check the cipher—he knew the code by heart and by hand. He blew over the ink, fanning it dry before folding the paper brusquely and handing it to his patient courier.“Take this to Grice before she departs,” he ordered, clipped and urgent. The young man nodded and fled down the hallway in a stiff march, his chin tucked into his chest.Erwin deflated with a sigh, and caught Mike watching the time. Three minutes left. The flames were hot enough.
Swinging on his coat, Erwin tossed his stack of old letters into the mouth of the fire, and made for the door.
✶
They stood in a neat row in Magath's office, hands where he could see them, heads held high."And this is your Beast?" General Stuttgart asked, plucking at his wiry beard. He was a proud man with a posh accent, and everything about him had Erwin on tenterhooks.
“Hanji Zoë, yes. They were our key to breaking through the naval blockade at Kori-ó-mar,” Magath said, appraising Hanji like prime stock. He moved a pace behind Stuttgart, close on his tail.“How many working years left?”“Ten, sir.”“And your Armoured?”“Zacharius has nine to spare.”“I see.” Stuttgart seemed to consider this, pacing up the room until he stood before Erwin. The general was shorter than him by the length of a cigarette. “Recent graduates, are they?”
“Our last generation of Warriors were exemplary assets, it was not easy to retire a single one of them,” Magath answered.“And your Ackermann?” General Stuttgart ambled towards Levi, stepping boldly into his personal space. He loomed like a fortress over the lieutenant, casting scrutiny in spades.“An exceptional field agent. He's been integral to multiple operations in enemy territory, the last of which you might remember as our victory at the Jade Harbour.” Magath continued, "Without him, the siege on Kandhara might have gone quite differently."Stuttgart scanned Levi up and down like a searchlight. Without warning, he reached out and seized a lock of Levi’s hair between his fingers, holding it to the light. “Black hair,” the general hummed, pursing his thin lips. “From the main branch of the family. We never did find any more of them on that island, did we?”“No, sir,” Magath answered. “But if infighting hasn't wiped them out entirely, the Fritz King will.”Levi’s face remained impassive, as still as an ice slate.“That’s a shame. We ought to have them here, serving. It’s their calling, after all.” Stuttgart released Levi’s hair, and wrung his fingers in his handkerchief. Erwin relaxed the fist that had formed at his side, and took a slow breath out through his nose. Stuttgart gave the row of Warriors a final sweep with his eyes, then said, “That’s enough. Our true introductions will be on the field—return to your stations.” The Warriors gave their stern salutes in unison, and filed out the door.All except, “Erwin. Stay a moment, the general would like a word with you,” Magath ordered. Erwin halted mid-stride. He caught Mike's wary eye as the other man slipped outside, but gripped his composure and held fast. There was no reason to be worried.Erwin heard the doors behind him latch shut, and made no move from where he stood. Magath's office in Liberio was smaller than his suite in the capital, but he made up for it by populating the space with expensive antique furniture, none of which Erwin was permitted to touch. Obediently, he dug his boots into the floor and waited for prompting.“Erwin Smith,” Stuttgart said, strolling towards the windows. Frost kissed the edges of the glass and snowflakes blew in soft whorls outside. The general pulled out a cigar from his breast pocket, then lit it with an elegant swipe of his zippo.Stuttgart was the fourth son of his name to hold the rank of a general in the Marleyan high command, but only the second to live longer than a decade in the position. He walked with the weight of his lineage in every step: deliberate, important.“Yes, sir.”“Theo speaks well of you,” he said. ”My own congratulations are in order, for your work in Kandhara. The Jade Harbour has been an ambition of Marley’s since my father’s time.”“Thank you, sir.”“I heard that you ran a tight ship out of Helos, wrangling my subordinates until you had your way. I can respect that—a man rising above his station." Stuttgart watched the courtyard as he spoke, sighing billows of pale smoke."I only did what I knew was necessary for the betterment of Marley.""Did you, now?" The general turned and looked dead into his eyes, from below his bowed brow. Erwin wondered if it would serve him to appear intimidated, but decided that Stuttgart wasn't such a man. He was familiar with men who were born with power ringing in their names, and he learnt that they usually liked a little challenge."Yes, sir," Erwin responded, holding Stuttgart's gaze. It crackled, like a live wire.Stuttgart took a long drag from his cigar. "How do you control him?"“Pardon?”“Your Ackermann. Before I’d been offered this post, General Larkine told me that the Ackermann was directly subordinated to the chief of the unit. Imagine my surprise, when the last I'd heard of Liberio's Ackermann was that he was an obstinate runt who needed a beating to obey basic commands. Now, he’s a globe-trotting assassin with a glowing record. You broke him thoroughly, then?"Erwin felt heat creep up his collar—indignation, impotent fury—and quashed it back down. “No breaking was necessary. I formed a bond with him at a young age, and earned his trust.”“You fostered a dependence?”“I don’t believe so. He is quite private outside of duty."“How do you discipline him?”“I don’t. Ackermann rarely makes the same mistake twice.” It was a half-truth: Levi never made mistakes out on the field. He followed orders to the letter, performed diligently, and returned home without a scratch. Levi, simply put, was perfect.But for that reason, he had to be careful.“No chemical coercion?”“Such prescriptions might interfere with his service, sir.”Stuttgart kissed his teeth, tapping his boot on Magath's fine carpet. "Scarcity be damned. When there's a hundred, they're hunted like pests; when there's only one left, he's too precious to tamper with." He made a contemplative rumble, from deep in his barrel chest. "How old is the Ackermann?"Dread thudded in Erwin's gut. He could sense the conversation careening sideways, though he should have anticipated it. Stuttgart was as shrewd as they came.“He'll be 26 in three days, sir.” Magath answered for him, tucked into his big chair. The other general hummed around his cigar. Erwin was waiting for it, he could feel the idea cresting over Stuttgart’s stout face.
He imagined grabbing that face in his fist and squeezing until it warped, until his deformed jaws cried for mercy.”Older than he looks, but old enough by far. Tell me, why hasn’t he given children yet?" There it is. "Ring up the unwed daughters of Lord Mayfair, any one of them would be happy to bear Ackermann children if it were by imperial decree. If not Mayfair, then perhaps Hoskin’s twin girls? They've just turned of age, and each could produce a child.” Stuttgart continued, his gears turning on an eager axel, “Imagine it now—we could rebuild the clan in our image, have each general command an Ackermann, just as Erwin does. They'd be the blades of the Empire, impervious to even the Fritz King, nothing could subdue them. What could stop us then? Theo, why don’t we start today, send a telegram to Helos, and…”Stuttgart trailed off, looking between Magath’s stillness and Erwin’s silence. His foot froze in its tapping. “What?” he huffed, “What’s the matter?”Magath cleared his throat, and swivelled in his chair. "Erwin had an… arrangement with the former General Larkine, before he retired. The Ackermann will not bear children for as long as he serves Erwin, and by proxy, the Empire.""He needn't have a hand in raising them," Stuttgart scoffed, "what would be the harm? Even you lot know how to milk a bull, now." He waved his cigar for emphasis, littering a pinch of ash on the expensive carpet, but Magath was only looking at Erwin, his eyes like molten pinpricks. Don't, they warned. Erwin's leather gloves whined in his fists. Don't. Then Magath centred himself in his seat, and began slowly."Sir, there is something you need to know about Lieutenant Ackermann."
✶
The first time Erwin met Lady Caroline Tybur, he had just turned 19, and walked with a veritable spring in his step.He was young and capable, at the top of his class and favoured by his mentors. Erwin dreamed big and dreamed hungrily; he fantasised of the world besieged by his ambition, bracketed by no walls. His hometown of Liberio, cloistered and sick with exhaustion, had not defeated him yet.And on the eve of his 19th birthday, Commander Magath pulled him into his office, and handed him a letter."Speak of this to no one," he ordered, as Erwin cracked the wax seal and plucked out its contents. The message was simple: he had been summoned to the Tybur estate by the order of the Lady of the House, with no elaboration as to why.Erwin supposed that it was not in the noble fashion to overstate a calling card, but he was puzzled over what business Lady Tybur could have with him. He had his suspicions, but one glance at Magath told him that it was the commander who had arranged something, somehow.The morning of his escort's arrival, Levi had risen early to press Erwin's uniform, fretting over how he never ironed the cuffs right, and sent him packing from their dorm room with a pat on his shoulder and a clipped, "Good luck, blondie.""I'll be back soon," he assured."Yeah, yeah," Levi yawned, squirrelling away to catch a few extra hours of sleep. Erwin wondered if Levi ever slept in his bed, since he sometimes returned to find one or two black hairs strewn over his pillow. He decided that it was a mystery for another day.One train and two carriages later, Erwin was in the countryside. It was the farthest he'd ever been from home, and he watched in open rapture as sheep and cows grazed the green expanse outside his window. This close to the southern border, it was not quite harvest season yet.Soon enough, the peaks of House Tybur rolled into view, growing larger by the minute. Erwin reviewed his etiquette, his posture, the sturdy clip of his armband, and held calm. He refused to be daunted now, not by anything.The Tybur estate was a sprawling mansion built in the pre-imperial style, bedecked by high columns and stone relief carvings. It was a relic of Old Eldia, but Erwin guessed that the Marleyan servants who led him through its winding halls had little idea of the fact. More secrets lay folded between the bricks of House Tybur than he could imagine, back then. He was guided past opulent lounge rooms, blooming gardens, wide halls with tall windows, until finally, Erwin stood before the main study.Behind a pair of finely decorated doors was Lady Tybur, reclining on a plush chaise. She beckoned Erwin inside with a lazy wave of her wrist and dismissed her servants, who shut the doors behind them with a clang, leaving Erwin alone with the lady and the stale air, smelling faintly of powder."My lady," Erwin bowed, just as he'd practised.Caroline Tybur was a thin-boned woman with a pale complexion, who looked quite drowned in the ruffles of her lavish dress. Her eyes and hair were black, in stark contrast to the blonde halo of Lord Tybur, who was absent from the house in all but his grand portraits. Lady Tybur watched Erwin with a discerning glower, until she simply said, "Sit."Erwin did as he was told, taking the empty seat in front of her."Serve yourself, if you’d like." She nodded towards the tea set and the sprawling selection of biscuits."Thank you, but I've already eaten." Erwin dipped his head graciously, palms rested properly on his knees.“Hm,” the Lady hummed. “You look about Willy’s age. How old are you?”“I’m 19, my lady.”Lady Tybur’s brow lifted by a degree. “Theo tells me you’re a reader. Are you pleased with our study room?”“It's most impressive, ma'am.”“What do you read?”“Anything I can, in Liberio. The military stacks are a diverse collection, it is a fair balance of moderns and classics,” Erwin answered, keeping his tone even. He could feel himself being assessed under the Lady’s steady eye, just as he was calculating her own intentions.“Any Alethe?”“Only one copy of her collected essays have been allowed in the internment zone, ma’am.” Another half-truth: the one volume that exists is because Erwin stole it while running errands outside the walls. It sits under a floorboard beside the radiator, where even Levi doesn’t know.Lady Tybur’s eyes narrowed until they became dark slits. “Tell me boy, do you think yourself clever?”The question gave Erwin pause. “I’ve been told I think quick, ma’am.”“Then let me be frank about your reason for being here,” Lady Tybur said, leaning forward. “You have been selected as a candidate to inherit the Colossal Titan, by the evaluation of Theo Magath. The previous holder of the Colossal was executed for desertion, and his Titan was placed on temporary loan until a suitable replacement was found. Theo tells me with some confidence that you are the best fit. What do you say, young man?”Erwin’s mouth fell open, but he shut it hastily. His mind raced and his gut spiked with adrenaline, running laps around the estate. It wasn't his inheritance that shocked him—he could sense that it was due—but rather the revelation of the previous Colossal's fate. Is that what happened to Leon? The last Erwin had seen of his senior Warrior was on a train platform, departing for Fort Salta. He deserted? Erwin gathered his wits."I would be deeply honoured, my lady. I will do all I can to bring glory to Marley with its power," a beat, then Erwin furrowed his brows in thought. "If it's not presumptuous, may I ask you a question?""Feel free.""If it is the Colossal Titan I am to inherit, then why have I come here, to House Tybur?"
Lady Tybur rested back into her seat. "You're here because you're meeting the current holder of the Colossal, and she's going to decide if you're truly suited for the job." For a moment, Erwin’s head spun in bafflement, and then it clicked. He met Lady Tybur's sharp eyes, and swallowed around air."…And what is her verdict, if I may ask?"She smiled, slow as dripping honey. "The Colossal's power is unique, you must know. Its destructive power is the greatest of all the Nine barring the Founder, and cannot be wielded by a weak will. You look to have strong shoulders, young man. I wonder—will they be enough to carry that weight?"Erwin was suddenly cold down to his fingers, and gripped his knees harder. He told himself he was ready, felt it thrumming in his chest. "Are there any other candidates?""Two, in fact. One in the Vergelt internment zone, and another in Nordheim.""I see. And when one is chosen, when will the procession be?""Don’t seem so eager boy, I've twelve years left in me yet.""Will you be serving Marley?" The question sounded silly the moment it left him. The Tyburs had not employed their War Hammer even once since the time of the Great War, and there was no reason that any of the Empire’s petty border squabbles would inspire their hand now."In a sense, yes. The Lord Tybur cannot dispose of me yet, even at the military's behest." Lady Tybur uncrossed her legs, and reclined heavily into the chaise. She laid her hand on her belly, until Erwin finally noticed the great swell of it, unmistakable even under yards of fabric."...My lady, you are with child?""My fourth. The lord expects me to live until I rear at least 10 more, do you understand?" Erwin shook his head, genuinely bewildered. 14 children? Such a family was unheard of, even in the poorest slums of Liberio. "Don't be coy, now. My husband has ambitions—I am the means by which a new dynasty is to be built, and from my body there will sprout a new age of Tyburs."The lady's words were sobering, but there was palpable melancholy to her stature, in the droop of her shoulders. Now that Erwin cared to notice, she seemed dwarfed by her own pregnant stomach, made small and strained in comparison. A new age of Tyburs. Her strange omens should have alarmed him, but in that moment, all that he could think of was how thin she looked, the fine bones of her hands, how the scaffolding of her body could even bear the weight of such a duty."But perhaps I've been too hasty. I haven't even introduced myself," Lady Tybur collected herself, and smiled smoothly. "You may call me Caroline. And you, young man?"On instinct, Erwin bowed his head and met her courtesy in kind. "Erwin Smith. It is an honour to make your acquaintance."Erwin would see Caroline thrice a year, each year, until his visits became those of official candidacy, and until those visits became of a trusted friend. He made a concerted effort to curry favour with the Tyburs, going hunting with Willy and helping to tutor Lara, but most of all, acting the dutiful student to Caroline. She had much to offer, pouring with knowledge and a spirit of inquiry.Her discursive wit was second to none, and Erwin often found her to debate high-flying hypotheticals and gossip about the latest scandal in the Marleyan parliament. Caroline, he learned, had little patience for the dallying of the peerage, and was a staunch critic of Marley's hawkish warpath—at least, behind closed doors. Erwin valued his time at House Tybur, even when they only amounted to him reading essays to Caroline until she drifted asleep, worn by a particularly difficult trimester. Though really, it seemed to him that all her trimesters were difficult.But more than anything, Caroline taught Erwin about pain. Constant, cleaving, rending pain."What happened to her?" Erwin asked quietly, watching Lady Tybur shiver in her bedsheets. Her lips were blue, and her eyes sunken. She had just given birth to her eighth child the night before, a terrifically violent event that Erwin had heard wailing down the halls of House Tybur."It's a postpartum hemorrhage," said the attending midwife, mechanically changing Caroline's soaked cotton wads. "She's lost enough blood to drain a man twice over, but the Titan keeps her alive. You needn't worry, this has happened before." Erwin gulped, half in awe. In the right light, even the Curse of Ymir could look like a miracle.He resigned himself to the lady's bedside, until, in the little hours of the day, she nodded awake."Oh, Erwin," Caroline croaked. "You came." She was sallow, a ghost in her sweat-soaked nightgown."The baby is healthy, ma’am, you did well. Congratulations.""Well, isn’t that just good…" Her eyes were unfocused, and the rising and falling of her chest came short. In a year, she'd be round and heavy with child once more. Erwin had been by her side through four of them, already.In the uneasy quiet, he watched her. Lady Tybur, the Colossal Titan, the greatest destructive force on the continent—bedridden and wheezing through dull agony. "Caroline," he began. She hummed her acknowledgement, head lolling on the slim column of her neck."Is this really what you want?" Erwin asked."...Hm?""This. All of this," he nodded towards the pan of blood at the foot of her bed. It reeked of iron and sick, swimming together in a nauseating slop. In the suite next door, her newborn baby began to cry, muffled behind hardwood. "Has it been what you wanted?" He knew her time was approaching, that fate was rushing towards them both.Caroline's eyes were closed, her lips parted thoughtlessly. After a long moment, Erwin decided that she'd fallen asleep, until she whispered, "...It has never been about what I wanted. Not for a moment in my life. Not since I was born. You don't get that, do you? You have always-... belonged to your body."Her words were plain, but Erwin could not decipher their meaning. He could not comprehend her willingness to endure, her compliancy. In the time that he had known her, she had not shown great affection for Lord Tybur or his ambitions, and while she was decent to her children, motherhood hung strangely off her, like a dispassionate affair she was only half-present to attend. Caroline was brilliant, as wise and as measured as the best of his mentors—if she was so pleased, she could have fled her husband long ago. So why hadn't she? Why did she persist with this life, with the constant taxing of her body and spirit, when death was just around the corner?
He recognized then, with a pang of familiarity, what Caroline could not speak clearly. He could see it all around him in Liberio, in those dreary streets where every inch of cobbled ground was a terrain of subjugation. He knew it when his father hung from town square, when his body swayed and dripped with larvae and everyone who knew him only scurried by, their faces turned from the smell. It was fear—the cold terror of being punished for resistance—a fear that turned into compliance, and a compliance that turned into humiliation. Every Eldian learned it eventually: how to give up their dignity and drop their heads like sheep.But not Erwin. He was better than that. He had a fight in him that lived and breathed fire, a clenched-fist conviction that seethed behind every obedient 'yes sir' and 'yes ma'am'. Befriend the Ackermann, ace every exam, secure the undivided favour of his superiors—anything to get him closer, to jam his fingers under Marley's foundations and lift. His dream had talons, and it was going to claw him forward over blood and hot coal until the day he joined his father, until he joined Leon, until he too had his name carved into Marley's pantheon of traitors. Nothing could stop him but the stony impasse of death.Caroline's baby shrieked in the next room, and broke his daydream. "Get her, will you?" she sighed, slipping back into unconsciousness.In time, Erwin would be invited to House Tybur for one final visit, accompanied by a military tribunal. Beneath the great estate was a chilled crystal cave, and in the cave there was a procession mount, where Caroline laid, sedated and prone. The whole of the Tybur clan was present to witness, all of her dozen children, dressed in immaculate white robes. They sang a hymn in a foreign tongue, and when they finished, Erwin offered his arm for injection."I'll see you in my memories," Caroline had said to him, grey and weary. "Be good now, Erwin." The years had turned her into a waif of her former self, but still, she managed to muster a flickering smile before the very last.The year after that, Erwin would use her Titan to raze the factory city of Mirkovol, and all 3,000 workers who once roamed it. From the height of a mountaintop, he watched survivors dig their way out of the rubble, scorched black and scuttling below him like ants, screaming as they ran. He was awarded a bronze cross for his efficacy—it would be the first of uncountable decorations.
✶
It was snowing, falling gently over the compound and crunching beneath their boots. Erwin stood with Magath beneath a gazebo, overlooking the shooting range. He was watching Levi in the distance, crouched beside the young Mikasa, firing at sandbags with a rifle that was nearly as long as the girl was tall. She shot once, missed by a foot, and wilted dejectedly.“Stuttgart will get his way. You can't bend him like Larkine—he's too proud,” Magath said, grinding his molars around a cigarette.His former commander was right, but it smarted anyway. "He's proud, but he'll listen to reason," Erwin argued, "we can't give up an agent like Levi now, not when the southern border is still being contested. Besides the nine months he’ll need to take off duty, who’s to say that he can even carry a child to term? What would a miscarriage do to his body? It’s not worth the risk, at any rate.”Magath shook his head, sighing. "Calm down, soldier. You just don't see it yet—Stuttgart is playing the long game, he's thinking decades ahead. If taking Levi off the field now means that he can secure even greater power 20 years from today, it's a trade he's happy to make. And where will you be in 20 years, Erwin?"It stung—worse than Magath's smoke in his eyes, worse than the frigid chill biting at his face."…Dead. I'll be dead, sir.""Right, so what good is your word to him?" Magath dropped his cig and crushed the fire out of it, turning on his heel."And yours? What about your word?" Erwin called after him.Magath halted, flakes of snow dusting over his buzzed head. "I've done all that I can for you two, but you're not children anymore. Whatever happens is between you, Ackermann, and the general.” A beat, as snow whipped between them. “You know, Erwin, I’m playing the long game, too." Then Magath fled in the direction of his office, leaving Erwin alone with a bitter taste in his mouth.Irritation flared in his temples. There were too many things to consider all at once, and they moved too quickly in his mind to sort them correctly. Magath had allowed Erwin to twist Larkine's wrist for years, and he naively believed he could rely on him when the old man’s retirement finally came around. Had his luck finally run dry? He had to find a way to stall, no matter what. Magath could still be coerced to act against his own interests if Erwin played his cards right.
He knew that his former commander had a secret soft spot for the both of them, something he’d long suspected to be the sentimental debris from losing his own son to the battlefield, decades ago. Erwin had taken notice, and slyly played the part of the soldier-son, the prodigal student that any father could be proud of. It was a weakness he was happy to exploit, to jack his pliers into and yank open if it meant keeping Levi safe.But what about Stuttgart? The man was undeterred by a single word they’d spoken. Once the idea took hold of him, he persisted with single-minded determination to assert his ambition. A new generation of Ackermanns, to serve our shining Empire. He surely had children of his own, and a wife—but the cost of targeting them would be disastrous, and there couldn’t have been a worse time.Another gunshot rang into the air, and Erwin’s concentration dissolved. Levi had taken the rifle from Mikasa, and seemed to be demonstrating correct shooting form. He shot again, and it was dead-centre. Then again and again, until his chamber hollowed and every bullseye was pierced through. Without thinking, Erwin began to walk to him."Listen kid, if you're holding it like that, you're only asking for the recoil to shatter your damn shoulder," Levi said, some distance away."But I was holding it like you!" Mikasa protested, plucking at the frayed ends of her big black scarf. It was the same one she'd worn since the last time he saw her, two years ago."No you weren't, c'mon kid, try it again." Levi stood and passed the rifle back to her. When he noticed Erwin on the approach, he straightened to attention."At ease, lieutenant," he said softly. Mikasa saw him as well, halfway through changing her magazine, and saluted stiffly. "And you, cadet,” he added."Welcome back to Liberio, sir!" she yelped."It's good to be back," Erwin shuffled into their space, towering over the both of them. "You've grown so tall, how old are you now?""I'm ten, sir."Erwin knew that Levi had a tenderness for Mikasa, though he was attentive to all of their young candidates in training. Mikasa was an orphan, like many other children shuttled into the program, but she had even less of a place in their world, with her foreign heritage and no surname to speak of. In Marley, the only ones regarded as lower than Eldians, were Eldians of mixed blood.He smiled a little, hoping to seem friendly. "And your training is proceeding smoothly?""Oh, well-" she stuttered, "Mister Levi has been helping with my shooting.""She keeps bruising her shoulder during practice," Levi said, "why don't you show the commander how you do it right, now that you know.”Mikasa baulked at the suggestion, drawing her face into her scarf. "I don’t- I mean... Okay," she acquiesced quietly, hefting the rifle into her arms and breathing out with a puff of white air.Her small hands adjusted their grip on the fore-stock as she curled her finger over the trigger, in and out, in tandem with her breathing. Eventually, she found her confidence somewhere down sights, and shot. Erwin could tell she still jumped at the recoil, and was trying to pretend it didn't hurt. An empty cartridge clinked onto the ground, and when a lick of snowy wind passed, they could see that she'd hit just shy of centre-target, only an inch off. Mikasa beamed, turning to Levi with a glimmer in her eyes."Did you see that?" she said."Yeah kid, I saw," Levi said, patting her on the head."Mikasa!" a high voice called, from the end of the range. It was Eren Jaeger, trailed shortly by Armin Arlert—two other candidates from Mikasa's class.Eren froze mid-leap as he noticed Mikasa's company, and fixed into a salute. "Welcome home, Warchief Smith, Lieutenant Ackermann!""Oh? The brat finally learned how to salute since we've been gone?" Levi ribbed."Wha- I've always known!" Eren cried, stomping in his boots. Levi scoffed and crossed his arms, and the two broke into a light bicker while Mikasa began to dissemble her rifle at the table.Armin strolled up to Erwin with his hands behind his back, wearing a shy smile. "Welcome home commander," he said, "how was Helos?"Erwin crouched down to eye-level. "It was fine, Armin, how are you? Have your grades been well?""Yes, sir, just as well as before. Will you be staying in Liberio for very long?"
"Just until the end of the year at most. There's a ceasefire along the south with the holidays ongoing.""Oh! Is it a truce?" Armin seemed to light up at the idea, shooting up like a stalk.Erwin laid his hand gently over the boy's shoulder. "Only for a little while.""Armin, we're gonna be late to the show!" Eren yelled, catching the boy’s attention. Him and Mikasa were packed and ready to go, and after a quick salute and wave, Armin joined in tow. "See you soon, sir!" he shouted, tumbling into the distance, leaving Erwin and Levi alone on the range.With the children gone, the two of them were quiet. Levi picked up empty casings that littered the ground, tossing them into a collecting crate. Erwin watched his back, the sturdy breadth of him, the way his muscles shifted beneath his coat. He wanted to say something, to subtly clue him in on the impossible task being levelled at him, but Erwin couldn't find the words. How could he? It was grotesque, the mere idea of it made him feel faint with anger."Erwin," Levi started, drawing him out of his reverie, "have you eaten yet?""Ah, no," he lied. "Were you… did you- want to go somewhere?""Yeah, I mean, it's our first time back in two years, might as well see what's new. If you're not busy," Levi added. He had his hands in his pockets, and his nose was pink."How about Magnolia’s?" Erwin hated himself for every word that slipped past his teeth. He immediately thought to bite back the offer, produce some sorry excuse—forgive me, I actually forgot I had urgent papers to sign—but couldn't muster the resolve."Shit, seriously? It's been so long." Levi cracked a smirk, and he nodded absently, "Sure, let's go. Lead the way, commander."So Erwin did, out of headquarters and into cobblestone streets, where townspeople flitted from shop to shop, scrambling to prepare for the Holy Day. Levi followed close behind him, though people usually made ample space for them both. Erwin's armband bleared red like a warning, but Levi's band was pitch black and donned a ten-pointed star, custom made for his special designation. They cut quickly past the crowd, and into the internment zone.Liberio had changed greatly since he'd last visited, and it made Erwin nostalgic to see. Before they had been stationed in Helos, most of the town didn't even have stone on its streets, and just four years later, they were constructing a trolley car line leading down from market square. The spoils of war had reached even the hovels of Marley, it seemed.Some things, however, remained just the same. Great smoke stacks still billowed from the north end of town, where iron and steel were being refined night and day, as ceaseless as the marching of the frontline. At every quarter hour, Erwin could hear the distant whistle of the rail train, transporting cars full of coal from the mines, where most of the townsmen earned their living. Even in the dead of winter, the tunnels echoed with pickaxe strikes and precision operated dynamite blasts. As long as there was ore to scratch out of the earth and hungry mouths to feed, Liberio would continue to work.Erwin and Levi shuffled into the clearing of market square, where a storey-high pine tree was mounted and decorated extravagantly, branches sagging with colourful bits and bobbles. Around the foot of the tree, a small company of children were holding a play. Their lead looked to be a boy with two-toned hair and a face too round to be older than ten, yelping just loud enough to carry over the crowd. Erwin regarded them for a long moment, then turned to Levi, and froze. The lieutenant was engrossed in the children’s scene, watching with open intrigue.“Ackermann?”Levi only pointed downstage, a twinkle of amusement in his eye. “Look, Erwin. He forgot his line.”Erwin followed his gaze, and found the boy actor standing stock-still, clearly petrified. The other little performers had stopped moving too, all turned towards their lead.“His mom’s going to come in any moment now,” Levi added, "she's been standing in the wings looking like she's holding in a shit."As if on cue, a large woman with an anxious stride tumbled onstage, kneeling before the boy with a rolled booklet in hand. It must have been his script, because the boy pulled it close to his face, drank it in, and then waved off the woman. The other children were giggling into their tiny mittens.Erwin was astounded that Levi could notice so much, from just a glance. "Your eyes are as sharp as ever, lieutenant.”Levi seemed lost in thought. "It's hard to miss. Everywhere we go, it's the same. Kids and their parents." He looked at Erwin then, and his eyes were a damp grey, dark like a deep water basin. Idly, Erwin wondered what Levi’s children would look like. Might they keep his eyes? He'd like that, probably. But looks were unimportant, if they were Levi's. As long as they were healthy, Erwin would be glad."Come on, weren't we headed somewhere?" Levi said, knocking his shoulder as he brushed past. Erwin returned to himself with a nod, and kept moving.Magnolia's was a quaint gastro pub past the square and across a narrow canal, all red brick and crawling ivy. It was the proud establishment of one Farlan Church, and named after the head barmaid, Isabel. The two of them were long-time friends of Levi's, both Warrior program dropouts that he'd kept in contact with, and Erwin regarded them warmly. When Erwin aged out of the primary stream and officially became Caroline's successor, he'd been worried that Levi would be lonely while he focused on training. His concerns were promptly extinguished when Farlan and Isabel circled into his orbit, and stuck.Erwin was grateful for them. The last thing he wanted was for Levi to be alone, in the end.The inside of the pub was warm and heady, dense with chatter and the smell of sizzling meat. Erwin scoured the dim sea of heads for a free table to claim, and spotted one tucked into the corner. But, before he could speak-"Levi? Is that you?" came a chiming voice, high as a sparrow. It was Isabel, squeezing past patrons to stumble towards them. She was carrying a small mountain of dirty dishes in one hand and a ring of beer mugs in the other, her apron stained with lashes of grease."Hey, beansprout," Levi said, "you're looking filthy.""Hey, hey, hey, that's not fair now! Farlan and I were supposed to surprise you guys first!" she whined, rocking on her feet. "We had a whole thing planned to visit headquarters and everything, how could you!""Too late, should've been faster.""Oh yeah? How about you manage a hundred customers before supper and tell me how much faster you can go!" Isabel jeered, but Levi was laughing then."Only a hundred?" he said, "I bet our youngest candidates could do better than that, and clean up properly while they're at it.""Hey!" Isabel yelped, kicking half-heartedly at Levi's shins while he snickered. The lieutenant liked to laugh with his shoulders tight up around his ears, hiding his mouth behind a guarding hand. It was always a little sly and edged with derision—the way his nose creased and his canines flashed sharply. Sometimes it jolted out of him as a high, surprised note, and other times it rolled from his chest, pleased and low. Erwin wondered if he could press the sound of it onto a vinyl disc and stow it in a hidden place, tucked between all his other illicit titles, never spun, never shared."-and Erwin, how are you?" asked Isabel, cutting through his thoughts."Pardon?" He cleared his throat, pulling back into focus. "Oh, I'm fine, thank you. Do you need some help with that?" he gestured vaguely towards Isabel's balancing act, looking more precarious by the second.
"Awh, don't you worry about lil' ol' me. Actually, why don't you two follow me into the back—I can arrange you a quiet table upstairs, away from all this-" she tilted her head in the direction of the rowdy bar, "-seasonal bustle.""Ah, there's no need-""C'mon, I insist!" Isabel turned and slipped through the crowd with expert nimbleness, towards the back of the pub. Without a choice, Erwin and Levi followed suit."Farlan!" she shouted, crashing through the kitchen doors. "We've got guests, look decent!"From deep inside a tiny office room, a messy head of deep blond hair poked out, squinted, then jumped in surprise. "Levi?!" Farlan shouted, scrambling from his chair.Levi only grunted his reply."What the hell? Welcome home!" Farlan jogged over to Levi, catching him in a light hug."God, you also reek," the shorter man grimaced. Erwin peeked into Farlan's office and found it overflowing with paperwork, loose sheets ringed with coffee stains sliding off his desk. The base chaos necessary to run a business, he imagined."Well, it's good to see you too, Levi." Farlan shot back, patting Levi's shoulders. "Look at you, man, it's been so long! And Erwin, thank you for coming by—you two looking for a table or just saying hello?""Get them the table upstairs, Farlan, it's too loud on the floor," said Isabel, before heaping her clanging plates into the sink.
"Is that so? Well then, one private table for our brave Warriors, coming right up!" Farlan said, leading the way. They shimmied into the narrow entrance next to his office and rose up a flight of creaking stairs, until they reached the upstairs flat where two rooms sat behind closed doors, and a short hallway opened to a sunroom. It was Erwin's first time on the second floor of Magnolia's, and he felt quite like a giant in the small space.Levi ran his fingers along the top of a photo frame and tsked at the dust. It was a picture of the three of them as candidates, cut from their class portrait. Farlan and Isabel had made it to the top of their class, trailing behind Levi, but it was Hanji, in the end, who was chosen as the Warrior to inherit the Beast. While most failed candidates continued to serve in the military as cannon fodder, Farlan and Isabel took their training and turned tail, living as civilians with Magath’s begrudging blind eye. In a drifting, half-formed way, Erwin envied them."Here we are," Farlan announced with a flourish, presenting the quaint sunroom and its picturesque view. They overlooked Liberio's rooftops, with its pointed peaks and sloping shingles, smothered under a roll of snow. Farlan pulled out chairs for the both of them and set the table neatly, even lighting a candle and placing it on the centrepiece. Intimate was the word for it, and Erwin froze in realisation."So, y'got any souvenirs from Kandhara for us?" Farlan asked lightly. "Or hell, anything from Helos?""You'll find out soon." Levi said, scanning the menu. He smiled a little from one corner of his mouth, wry.Farlan scoffed and crossed his arms. "Bah, now that just means you totally forgot. C'mon Levi, you were out for two years and nothing?""Who says I forgot? I just said you'll find out," he said. Below the small table, Levi's legs uncrossed and brushed with Erwin's shins. Without thinking, he recoiled from the contact as if it were an open fire."Yeah, yeah, I'll look forward to the same tin of fancy tea you send us every year," Farlan laughed, but Levi's face had turned perfectly blank.Erwin coughed away the rush of panic in his throat. "I'll have the bouillabaisse with orzo, thank you,” he said."Oh, ordering already, commander? That's no problem at all—and you, Mr. Ackermann?""…I," he broke from Erwin's gaze. "…I'll have the same. Ease off on the basil, though.""Two stews, coming right up. Just the water's fine, then?" Levi nodded, and Farlan took his cue to dash back downstairs, none the wiser. Erwin cursed himself in a thousand little ways in the ensuing silence, as Levi shifted in his seat and folded his arms over his chest.A sour spike of shame ran through his insides—he shouldn't have agreed to come. Erwin could hardly look at Levi without feeling some part of himself flinch, like an old reflex he hadn't yet tamed. What made him think something as trivial as four years would have withered that away? He could waste a lifetime apart from Levi and it wouldn’t mean a thing to his foolish heart.It was impossible to negotiate with how he felt, but he could plan around it, build dams to contain its leaping impulses. Erwin was a finely calibrated instrument of deliberate activity, not a hair out of place or a word misspoken. His body and his will were his domain, his estate, his first and last resistance.But something changed in Helos, the morning after the transmission from Kandhara. Some tectonic plate shook loose inside Erwin and knocked his foundations askew, and ever since he'd been bereft of restraint. Saying yes to one breakfast meant saying yes to another lunch, meant acquiescing to Levi cleaning his office, meant carving time from his daily regimens to share a cup of tea. Was it just the simple unwise-ness of a victorious haze? Was it loneliness? Erwin searched himself, and found only ugly half-truths, ideas he wanted to keep unshapen and unspoken in his mind.He resolved that it would be the last time he'd be so permissive. He knew how to disentangle himself from his lieutenant, how to slice at the invisible interstices between them. It was as easy as breathing.“You know,” Levi started, out of the blue, “if you’re busy, we can eat quick.”Erwin held air at the top of his lungs. “It's fine. Take your time and eat if you're hungry.” He looked down at his gloved hands, scrutinising the black leather. It cracked along the seams, running like lightning down his palms.“Alright. I won’t ask if you can’t say it, but… I can tell that something’s on your mind.” He couldn’t have been more merciful if he vivisected Erwin on the spot. “Moreso than usual, at least.”Erwin felt his traitorous mouth tug into a smile. “Am I so obvious?”“To me, you are.” Levi’s sharp eyes caught the candlelight and glowed. Erwin could feel them everywhere. He could feel the space between them like a static charge.“Are you… doing okay?” he asked.His tone was low and pointed, alluding to a darker time between them both. “I’m grown, lieutenant. I can control myself.”
At least, now he could.Erwin wasn’t proud of anything he did before, during, or after the decimation of Agrupta. He could barely remember the months after the attack, his nose buried in bottle after bottle, his mind unspooling in a pile on the floor. The high command told him that it was a central site of rebel control, a safe haven for the last runaway Alliance general. According to them, Levi had corroborated their conjectures while he was undercover, revealing that not only was Agrupta crawling with enemy militia, but that they were going to attack—and soon. Erwin saw the transcripts, lines upon lines detailing Levi’s findings, pressing the necessity of swift action from the military.
He knew that Levi wouldn’t lie to him, but somewhere along the way, he forgot that Marley could.And so, he went.
And so, between one blinding instant and the next, thousands of civilians—refugees, children, the sick and the enduring—were incinerated into nothingness. And Erwin, his very existence subordinated to the great state of Marley, could do nothing about it. Any retaliation on his part would violate the terms of his agreement with Larkine and strain his already tenuous equanimity with the high command. There was nothing to do but take it lying down, compacting his coal-black emotions into perfect crystals of submission.Which is why, even if he tried, he could no longer remember what happened after Agrupta.“Sure. If you say so,” Levi said. That gentle lull was still in his voice, like an unspoken afterthought.“I’m sorry if I worried you. It’s nothing, really. The new general is just rather demanding.”Levi snorted. “Right, Stuttgart. Thought I could get away from big-headed bastards like him when we left Helos, but they just keep following us around." He ran his fingers through his hair, his bangs falling in a handsome curtain. "Larkine was a fool, but at least he didn't ogle me like a creep. He's probably enjoying himself now, huh? Doing crossword puzzles, or whatever bumbling old guys do."Erwin knew for a fact that the retired general was doing nothing of the sort. "I suppose so.""Well, anyway. If Stuttgart gets on your nerves, Hanji can poison his kids, or something.""What?" Erwin chuckled, "Why would Hanji do that?""I don't know, it just seems like something they could do."It occurred to Erwin suddenly that Levi was trying to comfort him, in his strange, winding way. The idea of it bloomed warm in his core, chased down by a kernel of embarrassment. Levi was better to him than he ever deserved. Erwin wondered if Levi could decipher his mind for him. He’d let him crack open his skull and fish out his thoughts if it’d help any.Erwin shook his head and sighed. "It'll be fine. Stuttgart isn't the worst we've had to handle, and if he is, then, well…" he raised his glass of water in a toast, all forced casualness. "To Hanji, then."Levi met him halfway. "Heh, right. To Hanji."Their stews arrived shortly after, steaming hot. "And that's a Liberio special for you, good sir," Farlan said, placing down Erwin's dish, "and another one, for the gentleman with the delicate, basil-free palette.""Shut up, Farlan," Levi groused."Pardon me, I meant for the gentleman with the sparse and impolite tongue."
"Still a smart ass, huh?"Farlan only grinned. "Well, enjoy, you two," he said, "and thanks for stopping by. We use your reputation to boost the pub, so you better stay popular, y'hear? Or hell, go win the rest of the war.""We'll do our best," Erwin said lightly, and with that, Farlan was scurrying away once more.The soup stock was delicious, and the mussels tasted fresh—a rarity for how stringent their import laws were. Erwin wasn't hungry, but he tore into his plate anyway, just to distract himself from looking at Levi. The cloudy sky had begun to darken, and street lamps were flickering aglow. Below them, shopkeepers turned their locks and pulled in their curtains, settling in early to join their families for the holidays. Erwin watched a pair of street hounds cross paths, snapping at each other’s tails and kicking up snow.It could have been the melancholic onset of age, or his years abroad, but Erwin had no more anger left for Liberio. He had already forgiven it, just as he'd forgiven the rope that hung his father, or the walls that obscured their horizons. Even Liberio dreamed—he could feel it beneath his feet, howling in every alley. There was a dream aching through all of Marley, coiled and hungering in wait."Erwin," Levi said, splitting the silence. His stare went long, skimming over rooftops, into the distance. "What will you do, when the war's finally won?"A whip of snowy wind splattered over the windows. "Well, the first order of business will be to secure our new borders in the south.”“And then after that, what will you do?”“That depends on Marley, but,” Erwin pretended to give it some thought, “I suppose I’ll be training our candidates, and selecting a successor for myself. Then we‘ll continue to serve the national interest, wherever that may be.”“And then in nine years, you'll die.”“And then, I'll die.”Levi’s expression was unreadable, as still and as stoic as he'd ever seen him. Between one blink and the next, it suddenly occurred to Erwin just how much he'd changed since the time they were boys. Before, he knew how to tell Levi’s mood from the tight way he held his shoulders, from the anxious wringing of his little hands, the grinding of his jaw. He could tell when he was hungry and when he was tired and when he was sad, when he wanted to hold Erwin’s hand and walk through the market, along the canal, sharing that tin of hard candies that Levi used to barter from the laundry lady. And Erwin would let him, because he could never say no to him, and he'd take his hand and entwine their fingers until their palms met warmly and Levi smiled, small and shy. It was all Erwin wanted, before.Fully grown, he could no longer decipher a line on the other man’s face. He wore an impenetrable dispassion—ever the perfect spy, the perfect soldier, his perfect lieutenant.“Do you ever think about what you’ll leave behind?” Levi asked.“Not often, no. I think we’ve secured ourselves a very respectable legacy, all things considered.”“No, I meant-” Levi lowered his eyes. “What am I supposed to do, after you’re gone?”Erwin's hands tightened in his lap. “…Naturally, Mike will take over as my next-in-command, and then after him, Hanji. If Marley dissolves the Warriors unit and the Tyburs claim our six as they’ve been posturing to do, they’ll likely still retain your services.”“Am I supposed to be some glorified butler?”“I don’t know. It will depend.”“On what?” On if I win. “On what Marley does. We could just as easily break into another war, or busy ourselves with surveilling rebels for nine years.”“And if it didn’t depend on Marley? Or Magath, or Stuttgart, or anyone else? What would you want me to do?”“Live.” Erwin said, thoughtlessly. "As long as you're alive... That's enough for me."Levi kissed his teeth, brows bunching. He downed his glass of water in one go, and wiped his mouth with a napkin.Then, after a drawn moment, he spoke again, "Do you remember when we were kids, we had that assignment in class, that one where he had to write about what we'd do if we weren't candidates? Something about giving up your dreams for the Empire, to prove your loyalty."Erwin did recall. It was a standard allegiance test, the sort that Marley performed on him constantly. "I remember, yes. We had to imagine our lives if we were civilians, and then we were asked to stand and swear to reject it. It would count towards our chances at candidacy.""Yeah, that one. Do you know what Hanji wrote? It was some dumb shit, I still can't believe Magath bought it.""What did Hanji write?""That they wanted to be a burlesque dancer, and then a prostitute. They did a whole stage performance thanking Marley for saving them from a life of degeneracy and giving them a chance at honour." Levi huffed derisively, shaking his head. "Most of the kids did something like that, anyway. Most of them couldn't imagine being anything but soldiers. I know I said something ridiculous, some crap about a tea shop. Do you remember what you said again?"It was too bitter to admit. He thought about lying, or half-lying, or pivoting somehow. It came out anyway. "I told them that I wanted to start a family."Levi's brows lifted. "And they believed it?""Well… It wasn't all a lie. I had to give a convincing performance, after all."When he was young, Erwin figured that he would grow up and do what all boys did, what all boys were oughted to do. He knew the component parts of a family from the good citizen manuals after all—a mother, a father, their children, their children’s children. It was familiar to him, even if he didn’t have a mother himself, and even if he wasn’t particularly interested in girls. It was just another part to roleplay, just like being a boy was a roleplay, or a good son, or a diligent student. Either that, or it was like a fairytale, that somehow or another, he’d have for himself one day.And then, that life of fantastical normalcy died at the end of a looping rope. And then, Erwin had no more appetite for little dreams.Levi settled back into his seat, one arm slung back casually. "That's too bad," he said, smirking. "I would've liked to see how ugly your kids turned out."Erwin watched Levi's fine features across the table. He was beautiful the way a sword was sharp—unthinkingly, like he had no other way of being.He smiled too, then, a little wistful. "I'm sorry for depriving you the chance."
✶
It was afternoon the next day when Nanaba knocked on his office, short of breath. Her usually composed expression was pinched with urgency; Erwin started on his uniform before she even spoke."You've been summoned by General Stuttgart posthaste, sir."He followed her out into the hallway. "Do you know what for?""You didn't hear in the officer's mess this morning?""No," he lied, "what about?""General Larkine was found dead in his home, north of Helos. His wife, too." Nanaba's brows furrowed, and she picked up her pace. "Apparently, they'd been dead for a while until someone complained about the smell. Autopsy's not out yet, but they're suspecting foul play."Erwin mustered a look of grim surprise. "Larkine had only just retired. Could it have been a grudge from the past?""Who knows? He didn't seem the type to have bad blood about him." They crossed the snowy courtyard into headquarters, and after a quick ascent upstairs, they stood before a pair of wide oak doors. "Whatever it is, good luck." Nanaba said. Erwin nodded, and pushed inside.Stuttgart's suite was big, far larger than Magath's. All of Larkine's old furniture was crowded into one corner, and unopened crates replaced where they once stood. He must have been in the middle of moving in, before being interrupted by the sudden news."Hello, Erwin." Stuttgart said simply. He was sitting by the grand fireplace, comfortably sprawled on an ornate chair. Erwin closed the doors and trailed closer, his footsteps echoing in the empty space. "Take a seat," the general ordered, lips pursed around a fat cigar.There were no other chairs beside him."What have I been summoned for, sir?""I said: sit."
Erwin looked around for a bench or a stool, but there was nothing. It clicked, then, what he was being asked to do. He swallowed his pride and walked to Stuttgart's side, sinking to the carpet like a dog. Erwin could do this just fine. It wasn't the first time he took a petty debasement on the chin."There you are," Stuttgart said, puffing a ring of white smoke. It smelled like burning wood and tobacco. "You're a good height now. You were too tall before.""What have I been summoned for, sir?" he asked again, staring into the fire. He sat cross-legged with his hands in his lap, ever the diligent student."You know that Larkine is dead.""I do, sir.""It was murder. Him and his wife, murdered in their homes in cold blood. What do you make of that?""It's a tragedy, sir. They were elderly and likely could not defend themselves."Stuttgart took a patient drag, and tapped his cigar on an ashtray. He was rubbing his beard, pulling at the thick hairs on his chin. "You're too generous. It happens all the time in the capital—grudges between prideful men, political killings, power plays. My own uncle was drowned in his summer home. My eldest nephew? Shot by the thugs of his parliamentary opponents. Larkine served for three decades, he was bound to make enemies. I know I have. I'm as doomed as you are, boy." He laughed, rasping like gravel, then went contemplative for a moment. "But, I'm not afraid of death… I've seen him once before. I have a story for you, Erwin. Are you listening?"His blood was singing in his ears. "Yes, sir.""Good. You might like this story, so listen well. It happened before you were born, before your Ackermann was born, even. See, I'd just been promoted to the head of a certain special operations squad. We hunted all sorts of Eldian fugitives, like the ones who had tried to escape on the westward rail, or the ones who hid in the cities and sowed crime in the slums. But there was a special kind of fugitive we were always looking for the most. Back then, the Ackermann clan totalled over 30 members across two branches, and they were always exceptionally difficult marks. Even the untrained ones, if provoked, could bash a man's skull in with a paperweight. All of them were too grown and too tenacious to capture, so we had a policy of extermination. Unimaginative, certainly, but practical. In my day, it was unheard of for an Ackermann to pledge loyalty to anyone but the Fritz King. But of course, why would they?"He looked sidelong at Erwin, as if waiting for a secret to unravel. Erwin said nothing. The hearth crackled and snapped, and he was thinking about the smell of human skin, roasting."We'd gotten an anonymous tip," Stuttgart continued, "about an estate, south of Liberio, where the supposed last holdout of the main branch lived. I brought with me 15 men, all armed and experienced. You know how many I left with? Take a guess, boy.”“…How many assailants did you encounter?”“One. Just one Ackermann, the son of a bitch who’d tipped us off just to wipe out my entire squad, and leave me,” Stuttgart crushed his cigar in the tray and flicked open the top buttons of his collar, yanking it sideways, “with a little message for my superior. Look, take a good look now.”Running from either side of Stuttgart’s neck was a thick, gnashing scar, thorny like a rope of rose vine. It looked like a clean stroke that had healed messily, like stitching done by trembling hands. “Kenny Ackermann was his name. He wasn’t a little one like yours, no, he was a real beast, fought like a wild animal—killed 15 of my men in cold blood like it was nothing. Slit my throat open and told me he'd finish the job if I ever messed with him again. We thought he was the last of those devils, at least before yours came around."The general leaned forward on his knees, close enough that Erwin could see the pores on his nose, the whisks of his moustache. "So, Erwin. You're telling me now, that I ought to let the last Ackermann on this continent—the only one we've ever wrangled into submission—die with no progeny? To let that power slip from our hands forever?""…We had an arrangement-""With a dead man. Blessedly, too, Larkine was getting too old to even chew his food, let alone think. And poor Theo has gotten soft over the years, he must think of you two like the son he lost in disgrace." Stuttgart reached out and laid his hand on Erwin's head, combing through the neat part of his hair. "But, you see, it makes no difference to me if the whoreson is a bull or a broodmare. The Ackermann’s bloodline must live on. Do you understand?"Erwin didn't move. He made every effort to scrub his face of expression. "Levi is an irreplaceable asset, we can hardly fill his role with any other special agent. I can't advise that this is an advantageous time for such an endeavour.""Ah, but the war is nearly won—it was you who made sure of that, by insisting to prolong the siege on Kandhara." Stuttgart's words fell heavy, like a thudding gavel. "The next five years will see the Empire recuperating our losses and strengthening our forces, the Ackermann would have no better time to produce offspring. Or is there something else you object to? Tell me now, Erwin, that your hesitations are merely tactical.""My concern has always been for the betterment of Marley.""Then you’ll fuck him." Stuttgart said. He took Erwin's chin in his hand, and jerked it forward. "He'll listen to you, won't he? He's your hound. I've seen his records, boy, I know what he’ll do for you. Has he ever refused an order?""No, sir.""Are you impotent?""I am not, sir." He felt as if he was watching himself in a stage play, his own voice echoing from a mile away, and almost laughed at the absurdity of it all."So do it. Tell him to be ready to bear your children—you'd want it to be yours, wouldn't you? Any man would." Erwin felt heat flash down his gut, against his better sense, against every ounce of his own resolve."Aren't you curious what they'd look like? Tall or short, blonde hair or black hair? You've got good features, Erwin, strong features, and you're a big man, aren’t you? If you took that bloody armband off and waltzed around the capital, you'd have every little missus falling at your feet. It'd be a shame to put your good breeding to waste, so here's your chance. Or, perhaps…" Stuttgart smiled the way a guillotine glinted, and Erwin wanted to kill him right then and there. "You’d rather watch another man take him?"He'd had enough. Erwin smacked his hand away and stood up, rising to his full height. Say that again and I'll crush you alive. Before he could grit out a single word, a knock pounded on Stuttgart's door."Come in," the general intoned, nonchalant. He was buttoning up his high collar, tucking away the scar. The doors swung open, and on the other side there was Magath, carrying a thick folio. He was tailed by a small posse of officers, each looking as frazzled as the last."We apologise for the interruption, sir," Magath said, "a transmission came in from the capital, it's urgent news.""Of what sort?"Magath turned to his officers, motioning for the doors to be sealed before he spoke further. "The admiral of the fleet, as well as two colonel generals were found dead in their homes, their families killed as well. The archives of the state department have also been raided. There are no suspects as of yet."Stuttgart's heavy brow lifted, and he sat up straighter in his seat. "Erwin, you're dismissed. But we will return to this, understand?""Yes, sir," he said, saluting. Then he departed, feeling Magath's eyes on the back of his head, savouring the sound of the anxious officers like birdsong on the wind.“Could it be a coincidence?”“Four in one day is hardly a coincidence.”“But Larkine died at least a week before he was found-”“A terrorist cell?”“In the capital? That’s unheard of…”“Or the Alliance is staving off surrender with targeted attacks-“Erwin shut the door behind him. The cards were falling in slow motion, and, for a moment, he let himself breathe.
✶
Erwin was gasping for air. In and out, until his lungs ran fire, until his mind went faint and his thoughts scattered like worms in a carcass.
"Hah!"
In and out, like a piston, like a machine built to last, every gliding muscle and jointed bone assembled in proper order. The chains rattled, the bed creaked and whined on its frame. A pair of thickly muscled legs squeezed around Erwin's hips and locked him in place, heels jumping on the small of his back. He had nowhere to go."Inside…" Levi gasped, straining against his cuffs, "do it inside- hnh! " His arms were above his head, his black hair wild against the sheets. He shined with sweat, he glowed pink in the night; he was unbelievably, fantastically beautiful. Levi arched his back, shifting the angle inside of him, and Erwin moaned helplessly. In and out, in and out, the slapping of their skin growing obscenely loud. Levi was making small, lost noises with every thrust, his eyes gone dark and glassy. He was wet enough to drown in, and Erwin dived deeper."More, ah- I want it, I want it…" he whined, drooling from one corner of his mouth. Erwin descended onto his elbows to lick it clean, and captured his soft lips in a kiss. Levi squeezed around him, and Erwin fucked harder on animal instinct. He pulled out for a moment to take his knees and bend them over his shoulders, shoving back inside with renewed hunger, pressing deep enough to bump the head of his cock against his- "Aah!" Levi screamed in delight, throwing his head back. "There, Erwin! Fuck me right there, mmh- hah!" He was going to empty himself inside Levi. It was bright and immediate, roaring through every nerve in his body—he was going to take him and come, again and again, until Levi grew full and heavy with his seed.
"You'd want it to be yours, wouldn't you?"
It was hardly a question. Of course he did. Of course, of course. Levi writhed under him, he blushed and squirmed like the pleasure was trying to escape through his skin. He was gorgeous, and he was his.Then came the general's voice, steady and low, "So do it, boy." Stuttgart stood at the head of the bed. His shadow fell cold across Erwin's hot skin, and his silhouette swirled in plumes of smoke. They locked eyes across the bed frame, as Erwin's hips drove quicker into Levi, his cock swallowed over and over again by an ever tightening grip. He could feel it, that Levi was close, that he was going to come and tip them both over the edge, and fear sliced through him.This was wrong, all of this was wrong. He knew it in the leftover, chewed-up morsels of his brain, but the chains only rattled faster, the bed shook, and he couldn't control himself, he couldn’t stop moving, he was too close -
"Do you belong to your body?"
"Erwin," Levi gasped between their mouths, "I love you."Erwin was panting like a dog, his heartbeat pounding a mile a second in blinding terror, in lust."I’m yours."Then he shoved as deep inside as he could, and burst like a dam.
✶
Erwin jerked awake, his shoulders lifting off the bed, heart bruising against his ribs.His breath whistled from between clenched teeth. A thin film of sweat clung to his forehead and dripped down his temples. He felt a wet stain on the front of his pants, and grimaced in disgust. With a grunt, Erwin tore off his trousers and tossed his underpants into the wash basin, yanking on a clean pair. Shame scorched through his face, steaming down from his ears to the back of his neck. His stomach twisted and wrung like a washcloth, and he swallowed down saliva to keep from heaving.It was nighttime, and Erwin had slept through supper. Snowflakes caught the streetlights and glittered on his window. Letters from Willy and Lara Tybur sat unopened on his desk, next to the half-empty bottle of whiskey they had gifted him. His apartment in Liberio was neglected and cold, and he burned in its frigid air."Shit," he said, muffled into his hands. It slipped from him without thought or warning. Erwin sat heavily at the edge of his bed and chased air, pressing his face into his hands. In and out, in and out. He gnashed his teeth until they whined together, until he could feel the red pulse behind his eyes. There were lewd echoes of Levi rumbling in his ears; his breathy moans, his high, warbling cries of pleasure. From what corner of his mind did these sick fantasies arise? What the hell was he doing, dreaming of his lieutenant with his legs spread wide, begging to be fucked? Erwin groaned, helpless, dizzy.
He was still hard."Shit," he hissed again, curling into himself. He couldn't will his own heart into a steady rhythm, he couldn’t command his own body. He was losing control, and it started a panic under his skin. Erwin counted prime numbers, he mapped out supply lines and trench systems, he disassembled a bolt action rifle in his mind and put it back together, but none of it was enough. He dug his fingernails into his face until it tore open, and steam hissed from his wounds.Caroline's baby was crying.It was Caroline's baby, her tenth baby, the smallest one yet, so red and wrinkled. "Shh," he said, breathless. "Shh, you're fine, you're fine." Caroline told Erwin that she sometimes peeled her own skin off after her husband fucked her. He liked to take her face-down, smothered into the rug on the floor. When he finished, she'd go to the bath and slice off as much as she could of her abdomen, her legs, her breasts, until the semen between her legs dried and the crush of humiliation faded. She said this with a relaxed face, slackened by a tincture of opium, her baby wailing in the next room.Or did she? Their memories melted together like oozing wax. Sometimes, Erwin could feel that rug under his cheek, that bruising grip on his hips. "Fuck me," Levi sighed, from behind him.He jumped, leaping off his bed and crashing onto the floor. No one was there. The room was as still and as silent as when he awoke, racketed only by the harsh sound of his own breath."Calm down, soldier," he ordered himself, into a cup he'd formed with his palms, trembling and clammy with sweat. He was hyperventilating, he knew it before it started. This has happened before, he has done this before. Erwin wasn’t a stranger to fits of panic, but he hated it nonetheless, he felt lost and pathetic when it overcame him. He imagined it must be his punishment—the natural chaos of the universe scorning the futility of his neat order. It pulled him apart like twine, just to see him coil back up again, a little less taut and a little less perfect each time.He spent an eternity half-mad, sitting there on the ground, feeling his lungs take in the volume of the room twice over. Erwin held his temples together to keep from splitting down the middle, his whole body rattling like a storm-battered husk. The whirlwind spiralled.And it spiralled.And it spiralled. Inertia, air resistance, the laws of physics and finite energy. Everything loses momentum, everything dies. Erwin had accepted it, hadn’t he? Nine years left, just a dozen and change to begin with and just nine left. But he’d made peace with it already, he shook a deal with death and got his hands dirty. He wasn’t afraid anymore, he was in control, he could see what was coming and had power over the angle of its approach. Wasn’t that right?And it spiralled.And it spiralled.
He used to take Levi out to the square where his father died, he used to hold Levi's hand and walk over the rocks where his father rotted into maggots and bloated like a whale, but he wasn't thinking of it then, because Levi had spent his allowance to buy them ice cream, and they were sharing one cone together, passing it between their free hands.
“Hurry up, blondie,” he said, tugging his hand forward. Blondie, Levi used to call him Blondie, he used to joke it was because he forgot his name, his funny sounding name, too grown up and serious for such a weird guy-
“You really think so?”
“I’m just kidding, Erwin. I like your name.”
-then his heart hurt, his whole body hurt, and he wanted to see Levi again.
And it spiralled.
He only wanted to be near him again.
And it spiralled.Until, it began to slow.
Piece by steady piece, the panic subsided. By the time it whirred to a total stop, his throat had grown hoarse with wheezing and his thin shirt was damp with sweat. Erwin stood slowly, head buzzing, and stumbled into the bathroom. He reminded himself that there was a solid floor beneath his feet and four walls around his body. Erwin would survive. Whether he liked it or not, he would survive.He reared his focus onto the immediacy of his surroundings: the even pattern of tiles on his walls, the wonderful right angles of his bathroom mirror, the coolness of the air on his hot cheeks. Erwin showered with the heat turned up to scald, scrubbing himself raw and drinking from the tap in parched palmfuls. The water helped; Erwin's sharpness returned to him like a blade being worked on a whetstone. It let him think clearly, about the things he’d done and what they meant.
His dreams of Levi had returned, and they were posing a problem.Sex, to Erwin, was a passing fascination of a youth gone by. It was a discreet encounter after a banquet, a dimly-lit affair of too many clothes and huffing bodies, of men and women who, like him, were imagining other people. By the time Erwin was tall enough, his voice deep enough, his hair and clothes pressed finely-enough, he learned he could use sex in two ways. The first was for its slackening effect—for the way secrets would spill easy in the sweat-slick afterglow of climax, secrets that he otherwise needed to pull tooth and nail for.
The second was for vice, for something ugly and cheap. For four years, he refused to touch Levi, but for four years, he kissed him on the mouth of every dark-haired lover he could charm into bed. It wasn’t hard for Erwin to find people smaller than him, but the specifics—dusky eyes, hair blacker than coal, a serious, sour disposition—were few and far between. So when he could, he lavished in their company, stealing away the night in a lurid fog of fantasy and half-truths.It was easy to pretend, Erwin found. It was as easy as palming himself at night, and letting his imagination take over. Levi, you’re so tight, he used to think, thrusting wildly into the slick tunnel of his own fist, so tight and wet, just for me. It was only when he truly lost himself, when the rhythm of his hips grew jack-rabbit quick and the Levi in his mind’s eye was squirming and screaming, that he let himself think the unthinkable, giving life to the vile desires he killed by daybreak.
Fuck me, Levi would whine, high and needy, fuck me harder, harder, come inside me, I want your come, I want it dripping out of me, I want you Erwin, only you, you’re the only one. I’ll fuck you pregnant, Erwin would answer, panting so hard he drooled onto his pillow, I’ll fuck you big and round with our children, I’ll come inside your womb and give you no choice, then I’ll take care of you when you’re too heavy to move. Wouldn’t you like that? Levi, wouldn’t you like- Even now, it made him burn with shame. Under the shower, Erwin scrubbed his face harshly and let the sudden spike of arousal pass through him. There was nothing he hated more during his youth than this, when his body betrayed his mind and sat squat over his better sense. It wasn’t Levi’s fault that the sight of his neck and his graceful gait and his waist and his hips and his eyes and his wonderful little smile that cut through all the danger made Erwin stupid with want. It was unbearable, but it wasn’t his fault.
“You’re growing up, Erwin. It’s just part of being a man,” Magath used to say. But Erwin thought it was absurd—he thought many parts of being a man were absurd. He was good enough at playing the role, but the script was riddled with nonsense. And Magath was wrong, anyway; it wasn’t being a man that made him so foolish, it was just being himself—Erwin—wretched, pathetic, and damned to his core.
He shut off the water, and plodded out of his shower.
When he emerged from the bathroom, his pulse sat slow and strong against his ribs, and his mind was firmly reattached to his body. Erwin sighed gruffly out his nose and ambled into his living room, towelling down his hair.
His flat in Liberio was specially reserved for him while he served in the capital, but he’d long since scrubbed it of any personal affect, since there was no telling who could slip in while he was away. Nevertheless, it was strange to see a bare floor again, unobscured by teetering towers of books. The plainness of his surroundings unnerved him, and he ached for distraction.Erwin checked the wall-mounted clock, and found it just past midnight. Still an hour to go. There was ample time to spare before the meeting, but he couldn't stand the mire of his own thoughts anymore. He had to leave, and fast. Erwin got dressed proper, buttoning up a starched white shirt, slacks, and pulling on a warm coat. With some chagrin, he poured himself another finger of whiskey, and downed it all in one fiery gulp before making for the door.But when he swung it open in a rush, keys jingling in one hand, on the other side was only-"Erwin?"Staring up at him, bundled in his big scarf with snowflakes melting on the crown of his head, was Levi."…Ackermann?" Erwin blinked twice, incredulous."Where are you going?" Levi was carrying a brown bag, tucked into the crook of his elbow. Under the dim hall lamps, his cheeks were a dusty pink. Erwin's heartbeat stuttered in his chest."I could ask the same for you.""I was looking for you all day. You left base early, so I didn't know if you ate, and we're off duty tomorrow, so… Anyway, you don't have to have it now, but-" Levi offered up his bag in a crinkling fist, "happy holidays, Erwin."He stood stunned, taking a moment to process Levi's words. Erwin took the bag, and gingerly fished out its contents. Inside was a hunk of ham as wide as both his hands, a tin of tea leaves, and a loaf of soft focaccia. Levi had gifted him food. He always gave food as presents, ever since he was young."Hey, don't pretend to be impressed for my sake, it's just ham and bread. Like I said, you don't have to have it now if you already ate, but, knowing you-" he trailed off."You…" Erwin couldn't find the words. He cleared his throat. "Thank you, lieutenant. I'm embarrassed to admit that I haven't prepared anything in return just yet." They were still a day off from the Holy Day proper, but Erwin usually had the mind to procure something in advance for his old friend's birthday—at least before the shops closed their doors. He'd have to call in for a favour."It’s fine," Levi said simply. His gaze had left Erwin's face, and was floating above his chest."Is there anything that you'd like this year?""…Yeah, actually." Then, without warning, his hands rose to Erwin's lapels and pushed him backwards. He shoved hard enough to knock an average man flat to the floor, but Erwin reacted fast, and only teetered back on his heels. Levi shouldered into the apartment, slamming the door behind him and blocking the exit."Lieutenant?" he grunted, "What-""Larkine, the admiral of the fleet, and those two other shithead colonels." Levi said, low and stern. "I want the truth, Erwin. Or, if you can't give me that, then tell me that you had nothing to do with it, and I won't ask again."Erwin pretended to baulk. "…You'll have to elaborate on what exactly you suspect me of-"Levi grabbed him again and spun them around, pressing his back against the door until it whined on its hinges. "I'm not a fucking idiot, Erwin," Levi hissed, "If you're going to lie to me, do it now and get it over with."They were close, close enough that Erwin could see the crack in his bottom lip from where it split on his frown. Closer than they had been in years. Erwin reconsidered his approach. “Do you want me to lie to you?" he asked."Obviously not," Levi grumbled, "But even I know there are things you can't tell me. You're always off in your own world. In this case, I can't stand the idea that you're putting yourself in danger where I can't see you. Was I supposed to find out after they executed you and gave your Titan to some shitty brat?""That won't happen.""How do you know?""I have you, don't I?"Levi's eyes went wide, and he slackened his grip on Erwin's shirt. He stepped back slowly, carving out a gulf of distance between them. "Of course you do," he said. "But you're too reckless. If that's what you think, why don't you just tell me what this is all about?"Erwin considered him, then asked, "What makes you think I was involved?""Still playing dumb? Damn it, Erwin-""No. Just covering my tracks." If Levi suspected him, who else did? But perhaps this too, was only inevitable.
"Well, as far as I know, they're well covered. I just had a hunch, that's all. I was going to decide if it was true or not based on your reaction.""A hunch?" Nothing Marley could trace to him, then."I just thought you've been acting… strange. And you're already a weird guy, so.""Strange like how?"Levi shifted his weight between his soles, floorboards creaking. "You ever talk to death row inmates? I have. First, they're angry. They don't want to die. They don’t think they’ve done anything wrong, and they're pissed off about it. Makes sense, right? But then, the anger fades, it burns up. Their execution date gets closer and closer, and then, all of a sudden, they become kind of- light. They get careless, because they know they're close to the end. I don't know what's up with you, Erwin, but… It feels like you're close to the end of something, too."For a moment, all Erwin could do was stare. He'd been caught completely, netted and hogtied in Levi's intuition. Do you think yourself clever? Caroline would have laughed. Erwin was a grand tangle of endless double-think that Levi pulled apart, on either end, until he was just string again.“What did you really come here for, lieutenant?” he asked gently.“The truth. That’s all—whatever you can give of it.”Recognizing the resolve in Levi’s eyes, he collected his scruples, then decided."Alright," Erwin said, twisting the doorknob behind him. He slipped into the hallway, and beckoned Levi with an outstretched hand. "Come with me.""Where?""To the truth."Levi lingered at the door frame, plainly wary. Glowing street light framed the edges of his face and casted jagged shadows along his jaw, catching the small nicks and scuffs on his skin. In all the years they’d known each other, Erwin had given him nothing but scars. It was time he offered recompense, no matter how pithy.After a moment, Levi swallowed his hesitance and took Erwin’s gloved palm, skin on black leather.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Levi was already in bed by the time Erwin returned home that night, a lump of blankets and pillows piled on the top bunk.It had been a long evening of after-hours studying with Mike and Hanji; there was a history exam approaching, and it factored critically into their chances at official candidacy. For his part, Erwin already knew the entire curriculum from front to back, and was happy to stand in as tutor in place of their headmaster. It was common knowledge that Erwin, then only 15 years old, was the crowning achievement of Magath’s tutelage. He was eager to please and more tenacious than any of his peers, part and parcel to his natural studiousness and to the debt of gratitude he owed Marley.The state spared his life, and in doing so, owned it. He trained for Marley, he lived and breathed and ate for it—he had little choice elsewise. When his father’s seditious teachings were discovered, Erwin should have been the first to die, and yet, one way or another, he survived. The son shall not bear the iniquity of the father, neither shall the father bear the iniquity of the son, Magath told him, once. That means that you’re here to prove to me that my mercy was not in error, boy. And so, he did just that. Erwin studied and trained and he studied and trained in a ceaseless loop, for every part of him was destined to become a weapon in Marley’s arsenal. His hands—once nothing more than soft-jointed page-turners—would become rugged tools of battle. His eidetic mind—sharper than a flintstone and twice as bright—was beginning to demonstrate a prodigal talent for strategy. But most importantly, in his veins was the greatest weapon of all: the ability to turn into a Titan.Someday, he was going to offer up his blood for the glory of the Empire, just the same as every other candidate, but quicker than them, smarter than them, more dogged in his stride than a marauding beast.He had to do it, if only because they feared that it wasn’t the only thing in his blood, lying in wait.Erwin already understood that his father was wrong, and that his wrongness was so severe that it brought men to their door and looped a rope around his neck. He had repeated this routine dozens of times over to a rotating cast of proctors, until he could say it with a straight face and unblinking eyes. He already understood that he owed his life to Marley, and that he needed to redeem his father’s treachery. I pledge my allegiance to the 45 Stars and the Republic for which they protect: one nation, indivisible. This is my duty. This is what I must do. And so: he trained and he studied, day in and day out, in a loop that felt more like a spiral.“The tragedy of Lago, 1345,” he muttered under his breath, turning the key to his dorm room and shouldering in the door, “the devastation of Monte and the ravaging of Valle, 1344. The fall of Archenn and the founding of Helos, 939-”Erwin paused in his recital, and scanned the small bedroom. “Levi?” he asked. Normally, the other boy stayed awake until the early hours, busying himself with some menial cleaning task or another. That night, however, the room was silent, save for the distant whistle of winter winds.“Levi?” he asked again, stepping closer to the bunk bed. Erwin rose on his toes, and found Levi with his face turned to the wall, buried under his sheets. He was asleep and breathing soundly. Erwin hummed, and descended back to the floor.
He changed out of his uniform and into woollen pyjamas, rubbing his hands together in the chill of the room. It was the dead of winter, and his breath turned to fog in the pale moonlight. Erwin settled into bed with a shiver, tipping his head back onto his pillow while numbers and dates swirled around his head.
Lago, 1345. Monte and Valle, 1344. Archenn, 939.
From the top bunk, Erwin heard a small sniffle. Levi must have stirred awake while he was entering the room. He paid it no mind, and closed his eyes.
The republic of Marley is governed by three branches of government, the judicial, legislative, and executive. Power is distributed between the 45 provinces through the three sectors of civil-
Another sniffle, louder then.
“Levi, are you alright?” Erwin said.“...M’ fine,” said the other boy, sounding decidedly not fine.
“Are you sick?”
Levi sniffed again, like he was working through a clogged nose. “No,” he said.Erwin was starting to grow worried. Levi had a habit of hiding his injuries and pushing himself past the point of exhaustion. He was terribly young, but he had remarkable fortitude—as expected of an Ackermann. Though, Erwin suspected that it might have been something borne entirely of himself, too.Silently, he crawled out of bed and crept up the ladder to Levi’s bunk. Then, as gently as he could, he laid a hand on his roommate’s shoulder.
Levi's entire body seized, and he jumped away like a spooked animal. “Don’t fucking-!” he started, clambering to sit upright.
Erwin flinched too, raising his hands in surrender. “I’m sorry, I only- are you hurt? You sounded…” Levi was scrubbing his face with his sleeves, pulled long over his hands.“You sounded like you were crying,” Erwin finished.
A slice of moonlight filtered through their barred windows, just enough for Erwin to notice the wetness on Levi’s cheeks, the definite shine in his eyes. They must have both realised at the same time, because Levi gasped and squirrelled away, turning himself into a fortress of blankets.“Go away, stupid blondie!” he shouted.Erwin froze. He had never seen Levi cry, not for a single lash or strike or humiliating word spat his way. It was like the very axis of the universe had tilted, and Erwin was scrambling to gather his wits.“What happened?” he asked. As far as Erwin knew, there were no floggings that evening, and he hadn’t gotten word of a fight breaking out. “Did someone hurt you?”“I told you, I’m fine,” he exhaled shakily, “just go back to sleep. Stop being nosy.”“Levi, if it hurts, you can tell me. I won’t judge you. I’m your friend, I just want to help you if you’re in pain.”“Well, I’m not.”“Then why are you crying?”“I’m not!”Erwin frowned, and tried for a different approach. He lifted himself onto the bed, and sat cross-legged in front of Levi.
“Get off my fucking bed,” Levi spat.“I’m not going until you tell me what’s wrong.”“I said nothing’s wrong!” he said, voice cracking. “Nothing’s wrong, it’s just- it’s-… It’s my birthday, today.”
“Oh,” Erwin said, his brows shooting up his forehead. “Congratulations. Is that a bad thing?”
“Not really,” Levi mumbled.
“Did you want to celebrate?”“No.”When it seemed like Levi had nothing left to say, Erwin offered up something of his own, hoping to pique Levi's curiousity. “I don’t like to celebrate my birthday much either. My mother died having me. My father used to spend half the day at the place where her ashes were kept and the other half with me, so it’s always been a bit strange to go on celebrating. Now, I just think it’s just too much trouble to deal with.”
“…When is it?”“October 14th.”“Oh. You didn’t tell anyone.”“It’s not a very special day, at least in comparison to yours. You were born on the Holy Day—that means good luck, no?”Levi scoffed. “It doesn’t feel like it.” Then he turned to face Erwin fully, hugging his knees close to his chest. “I’m sorry about your mom, by the way.”
“It’s okay. I never knew her, really.”“Still. She would have liked to meet you. You’re really smart, and girls like you.”
Erwin didn’t know about either of those things—the latter more so than the former—but he nodded anyway. “Thanks, Levi.”“My mom would have liked you too, probably.”It was the first time Levi had spoken about his mother. Curiosity gnawed at Erwin. “What was she like?” he asked.“...She was really nice. And smart, not like your kind of smart, but in a different way. She could make just about anything taste good, like a magician. Every year on my birthday, she would make this kind of soup with these kind of dough balls,” Levi sniffed, and wiped his nose quickly, “it was seriously good. It wasn’t normal to make a big deal out of birthdays, but she always wanted to do something for me anyway. After she got sick, she couldn’t get out of bed anymore, so I learned to cook some things for her. But I wasn’t very good.”
Suddenly, it occurred to Erwin what the problem might have been.“Levi. Is this your first birthday without your mom?”
There was a phase shift in Levi’s expression. Everything that was once hard and sharp seemed to dissolve into softer shapes, into something devastating and childlike. All at once, the Levi that Erwin once knew—the brutish, coarse-tongued Ackermann—melted away into the boy in front of him, hunched over, his eyes brimming with tears.
He nodded, burying his head into his knees and sucking in a harsh breath.
“It’s okay to cry-”“I’ll kill you if you tell anyone,” he hissed, muffled into the crisscross of his forearms. “I swear, I’ll do it so fast you won’t even know what hit you.” Then he sniffed again, watery in his throat.“I won’t, I promise. It’s okay to cry if you’re sad, you know,” Erwin said. It was what he assumed someone in Levi’s position would want to hear, not that he cared to practice it himself. Sometimes, Erwin could feel it licking like waves, somewhere in the basin of his chest, when he thought too hard about all the things he shouldn’t. Tears for a traitor are a traitor’s tears, said the policeman in the nice coat, on the day that everything changed. Your father was sick, and for every sickness there’s a cure. Tell me, Erwin—are you sick too? “I left her behind,” Levi muttered, bunching into himself. “I- I was supposed to take care of her, but then they found me, and now I don’t know where she is.”
“Who, Levi? Your mom?”
He nodded again, accompanied by a ragged breath. Even while crying, Levi tried to be quiet.
“The rats probably ate her,” he choked out, “the dirty fucking rats and the cockroaches too. Fucking filthy.”
“They never exhumed the body?”
“I don’t know- I don’t know. Augh,” Levi shook his head, voice wobbling. “I don’t fucking know a thing.”Erwin reached out, without thinking, and cupped a hand on Levi’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Levi,” he said, feeling something tug inside him. “None of it was your fault. I’m sure your mom knows you did your best.”
Levi lifted his face then, his round cheeks striped with tears. “How? How will she know? She must have thought I left her, because- because she was too much trouble to care for- but I didn’t! I would never-”“She’ll know,” Erwin assured, shuffling closer to Levi and looping gangly arms around his shoulders. “She has to know.” Levi stiffened in his embrace, but made no effort to move away.
“I hate them,” he said, pressing his face into Erwin’s shoulder. “I hate all of them. Pig-headed fucking bastards, I’ll never forgive them. I never wanted this, I never wanted to be here.”
At Levi’s words, the tugging inside Erwin became a tide, a great ripping current that tore something loose within him and carried it to sea. Levi was nearly wailing then, his whole body racked by sobs, like he was holding in a storm far bigger than himself. It didn’t feel right, that someone so young and still so small ought to be as strong as he was, able to grit his teeth on a whipping post and stay silent through every beating. Erwin held him tighter, feeling a wet patch grow in the crook of his neck.“If I’d known it was going to be like this, I wish I'd never been born at all,” Levi continued, voice wobbling, “then maybe she could be living somewhere nice and clean and-
ugh. I hate this place. I hate it, I hate it-”“Levi, don’t say that-”“Say what? That I hate it here?” Levi pushed him away, shoving at his chest. “Well, sorry that if I’m not a perfect soldier boy like you, fucking prick-”“No, that you wish you hadn't been born.” Erwin looked at him, hard. “No matter what, you can’t regret being alive. It makes you doubt yourself, and everything that you do, and all the choices you make. And besides that, I’m glad that you’re here. Maybe not here as in the barracks, but- here, with me. We don’t talk a lot, but I like learning more about you, Levi.” He smiled a little, a bit sheepish. Then he swiveled to grab the handkerchief from his back pocket and offered it to Levi, who only stared at him, bewildered.
When Levi didn’t move again, Erwin took initiative, and gently dabbed at the tears rolling down his chin. He touched him as if he were something precious and volatile, bracing for when he would slap his hand away and hiss venom. But instead, Levi only lowered his eyes and sniffled, letting Erwin dry his face.“I’m sure your mother is glad that you’re alive, Levi.” Erwin continued.Levi’s frown deepened, and his bottom lip shook. “You don’t-” he inhaled sharply, “you don’t have to take care of me like I’m a baby. I can take care of myself.”“I know you can, but I want to help you, too.”“Why?”“Because I’m your friend, Levi.”“Tch, who said that? Fucking weirdo.” Then, after a beat of silence, he muttered, “M’ sorry.”“Don’t apologise, it’s okay. And about this, I won’t tell anyone, I promise. It’ll be just between us.”
Levi looked down, his mouth shaped like he was mulling something over. “Can you-… Will you stay here?”“Stay like how?”But Levi said nothing else, leaving Erwin to decipher his meaning. Resigned, he leaned sideways, until his head hit the cool cushion of Levi’s pillow. “Is this okay?” he asked.With a moment’s bashfulness, Levi nodded, and came to join him on the bed. He rucked his sheets up and over Erwin, tucking him in with surprising care. Laying face to face, Erwin watched Levi’s pensive expression, his nose and eyes pink from crying.
“Thank you, Erwin” he said quietly, half-muffled into his pillow.
“It’s nothing.”Then, without another word, Levi wormed closer and laid his small hand on top of Erwin’s, his skin cold to the touch. It was the first time that he’d initiated contact in the half-year or so that they’d known each other, and it blindsided Erwin with tenderness.“If it hurts, you can tell me too, you know,” Levi said.Erwin didn’t know what to say. He didn’t hurt, and therefore he had nothing to tell, and nothing to cry over. He wasn’t in pain—in fact, he wasn’t in much of anything at all. That was what he decided long ago, maybe even before his father hung limp in town square, or maybe from the moment he was born, when the first thing he ever did was take the life of another.
Tell me, Erwin—are you sick too?
“I’ll be fine, Levi,” he said. “Let’s go to sleep.”
✶
They crossed Liberio's town square under cover of darkness, ducking away from the curfew police and slinking close to walls. Erwin knew his way around as if it were the back of his hand. He led Levi past their childhood exploits—the stores they used to terrorize, their favourite climbing spots, the corners they’d meet at after lessons—and into a dingy alleyway in the north end of town.Tucked into a hole in the wall was a tiny pub, outfitted with a creaking sign that read, "Dot's and Crosses".Erwin knocked thrice in a broken rhythm. After a moment, a tiny peephole slid open, blinked at him, and shut again. The door swung open, revealing a short woman with pale hair and rimless glasses.
"Good evening, Rico,” Erwin said. He stepped inside and nodded to the stationed guards, playing cards around an oil lamp. When Levi trailed in, they all shot up to attention and mounted their rifles, forming a ring of silver barrels. Erwin quickly stepped into their line of fire."At ease soldiers. Close the door behind you, lieutenant. This is the Ackermann. He's here with me today as a comrade," he explained.One of the men made a quizzical face, leaning sideways as if to get a better look. "That's really him?" he said, lowering his gun. "Took you long enough, Erwin." The rest of the men relaxed, staring curiously at Levi."He looked taller in the papers," someone quipped."Show some respect," another chided."Pixis is waiting for you, though you'll have to be quick—I can't promise Anka is keeping him sober," Rico said, shouldering past the men and stepping behind the liquor bar. Erwin smiled, and followed her to where she was pushing aside boxes of stock, exposing a wooden trapdoor. She unlocked it with a heavy clack, revealing a staircase down into an innocuous, if dusty, storeroom. When he turned, Levi was already behind him, scanning everything with open caution.
"It'll be alright," he said. "Come."Levi never needed to be asked twice. He nodded and followed Erwin's lead, the two of them descending into the cold underground. In the storeroom, Erwin stepped around the floorboards until he found the one that didn't creak, and lifted it to uncover another trapdoor with a ladder, leading into deeper darkness. He felt around blindly for a light switch, zapping on a single bulb at the bottom of the drop. Erwin went first, gripping the sides of the ladder and sliding all the way down onto the dirt floor. A flight below ground level, the air was frigid, and he exhaled plumes of steam.
"Secure the latch when you go," he told Levi. When they'd both made it down, Erwin turned to the door at his side and knocked again, in a long sequence of raps and pauses. It creaked open a moment later, and on the other side was Pixis' adjutant, Anka. She had an unsmiling face and cropped brown hair, with a revolver at her waist and a rifle slung over her shoulders."Your lieutenant is joining us?" she said, straight to business. Erwin could tell she was eyeing Levi up and down, though she hid her curiosity well."We can trust him," Erwin said. "I trust him. He won't do wrong by us, you can swear it on me." There could be nothing he was more certain of, in his life’s compendium of gambles and half-chances.Anka seemed appeased. "I’ll take your word for it, commander. Follow me." She took them farther into the tunnel, illuminated by a long wire of exposed bulbs, flickering in the cold. Their path forked, and forked again, Anka navigating the maze with nonchalant expertise. There were doors at most every turn, leading to other entrances in the system, each guarded by an armed squad.
This particular underground network sprawled from the north of town to the very lip of Warrior HQ, unbeknownst to Marley, carefully concealed from view. There were tunnel systems burrowing through all of the city, some for illicit trade, others for tightly regulated trafficking, each kept undiscovered in small circles of sworn secrecy. One could easily live an entire lifetime in Liberio and never step one foot below the earth—or beyond the walls, for that matter."These tunnels…" Levi muttered, sticking tight to Erwin's side. "I thought they'd raided the last of them."Erwin knew that Levi was born underground, in a smaller tunnel system underneath the pleasure district. Years ago, when the Marleyan military police had gone on a mad goose chase for a woman called Olympia, they plundered the less conspicuous tunnels, flooding them with gas like they were smoking out rats. "Not quite," he said, "They underestimated the tunnels. There are paths far deeper than this one, leading out to where even I don't know for certain.""Who built these?”“We don’t know for certain. They're very old—they’ve been here since before Liberio’s walls came up, but we’ve had help with newer routes from the miners, in exchange for transit papers.”"Everyone's already inside," Anka cut in, breaking off their small conversation. She had stopped them before a shoddy wooden door, identical to the dozens they passed before. “Pixis! Letters from the teacher are here! And a special delivery, too!” she added, glancing at Levi.
Not a second too soon, the old man was bursting through the doors, grinning, “Is it my zinfandel?”
“No, sir, it’s Lieutenant Ackermann,” Anka deadpanned.Pixis blinked, his wrinkled smile flattening. “Oh, well. I’m still waiting on that wine, Anka.”
“I understand, sir. I’ll write them a strongly worded letter in the morning.” She stepped inside and towards the war table, where Gustav, Grice, and Kitz were sitting. There was a small stove that kept the room balmy, the excess gas aired out through a chimney vent in the ceiling.“Glad to see you could make it, Erwin.” Pixis said, taking his hand and giving it a firm shake. “I was afraid the last I’d ever hear from you would be in a mail card. And what's this? Is it for me?" He looked down to the brown paper bag Erwin had been carrying, crinkling against his coat.
“No, that's for Erwin.” Levi said, stepping in front of him.
“Oh, well, good evening, Mr. Ackermann. If it isn’t the season for happy tidings. And what did Erwin finally say to bring you here?”
"Nothing. The bastard won't tell me jack, I'm here because I need to know what stupid shit he's gotten involved in. Did you kill Larkine?"
Pixis didn’t flinch. “And if I answer that, you understand you'll be thus bound to our rules of secrecy at the threat of death?”"I'm not that stupid, old man," Levi spat. "If this gets out, then it's Erwin's death too. Just answer me already—did you kill him? Are you spies? Insurgents? Who are you?""I am Dot Pixis. You could say I'm the ringleader here, alongside Erwin of course.""What's 'here'? What are you the leader of?""Well, aren't you eager.""Answer me," he repeated, from between gritted teeth."I'm happy to. However, you might like a bit of a preamble. Come, take a seat," Pixis gestured towards the war table, "allow me to entertain you with an old man's story."
✶
Pixis cleared his throat, and set down his glass of red wine.“Many, many years ago, there was a certain group of unhappy men and women meeting in secrecy beneath Liberio. Among them was an infamous scholar who had believed he was Marleyan his entire life—until the day the police seized his publications, stormed his home, and sent him here, penniless. It was a time when Liberio was nothing more than slums on top of dirt, boxed in with concrete and bullets. As it turned out, the scholar was not the first, nor last of his kind. The internment zone was rife with former Marleyans who'd been suddenly labelled as Eldians in hiding, cast out from their high places in society, and turned into cheap labour in the mines. This particular scholar was too keen to be defeated laying down, however. He was a professor of history, and in particular, of ancient Eldia.“The police did not err when they identified him as Eldian, but what they did not know was that they too, were Eldian. In fact, the supermajority of Marley possesses Eldian blood, whether they are aware of it or not. Just inject titanizing fluid into the spine of any old Marleyan nobleman and watch him become a monster, just as you or I might. Well-" Pixis chuckled, looking between Erwin and Levi, "perhaps just me. But alas, they imprisoned the scholar because of his work in uncovering this simple truth, the fact of which would reveal the true motivation behind our century of subjugation: the more 'Eldians' trapped in the internment zones, the richer Marley grows. To oppose that, to declare that the original sin of Ymir is shared by all of Marley, is to disrupt the Empire's flow of capital and thus, its right to power. A fate worse than death, for a nation sick with greed.”Levi was sitting across from Pixis, arms crossed. If he felt any ounce of surprise or confusion, it didn't show in the steely set of his eyes. "Something like that… how do you know?" he asked sharply, "How do you know it's true? And even if it is, how are you going to make people believe you? No amount of propaganda will make any Marleyan willing to accept that he’s just another Eldian devil.""None of them need to believe it for us to take the capital," Erwin interjected. "What they ultimately choose to believe won't stop us from laying siege on the White Hall of Helos and turning their ministers into Titans, one by one, until the chancellor signs on our terms.”“What terms?”“Sovereignty from Marley, once and for all. Not to establish another Eldian Empire—we can’t afford to repeat the mistakes of the past, just as we cannot afford to continue enduring the injustices of today. What we need is to advance a new path forward.”It was his father’s dream first, authored by the calluses of his pen hand and then in the soot-black leather of his palms, dark and dirty after a day of work in the mines. Real dreams, Erwin learned early, weren’t borne in the head, or the heart, but forged by hands that gripped and worked and toiled. Real dreams, he also discovered, could not be killed.Pixis hummed in agreement. "Such is our situation, Mr. Ackermann. Our aim is to see the transition of Marley’s internment zones into autonomous regions, to liberate both ourselves and the scholar's truth, and to end this country’s reign of terror, but what we need..." Pixis folded his hands and leaned forward, his voice rattling on the word, "is power."Levi looked down. After a thoughtful pause, he asked, "And in the end, what happened to that scholar?" He caught Erwin's eye from across the table, tenderness in the slope of his brow. It was clear he already knew."He raised a fool for a son," Erwin said, "and was turned into an example of what happens to traitors. The rest of his cell was shipped to paradise, and with them, Liberio's entire resistance force. It was only because Pixis smuggled himself outside of Vergelt to pick up their pieces that we're even here today.""Don't flatter me, Erwin. I had an easy job of it with you around," Pixis said."So, all this time…" Levi stopped himself, reconfigured. "No, rather, why now? The war in the east is already four years in. Marley occupies a stupid amount of land across the continent—it's a little too late for this, Erwin. They’ll outnumber and overpower you, without contest.""I beg to differ. Four years of multi-front war has depleted Marley; the entire navy is no more than a dozen destroyers, our ground troops are exhausted and spread thin, and every major city has been blitzed to shreds, except those with internment zones.""They don't bomb us because even the enemy doesn't want Eldians to escape."
"A blessing in disguise. In the Empire’s desperation to keep the war machine marching, they turned the walled cities into industrial powerhouses, giving us lock and key to their chain of supply. If even one factory in Nordheim seized its stockpile of arms, it could turn its entire population into a standing army. If Liberio ceased to supply the east coast with coal, the great rail circuit that sustains the occupation in Kandhara would go silent. All of this has been in the making for years, planned for decades. It’s taken us this long to secure the upper hand, and now, we only need to flip it.”
"Hence, the killings in Helos," Levi said."Hence, the killings," Erwin echoed. "Grice’s wife has a team in the capital, but I supplied the marks and the intel. By this time next year, we will have Helos on its knees with help from our allies in the east. They will get what they want, which is the recovery of their occupied lands, and we will get what we want, which is freedom from Marley.""The Alliance is willing to work with you? The man who claimed their lands in the first place?" As was exactly the plan. "It won't be me—Pixis is the one coordinating our allies overseas. To the rest of the world, I'll just be a turncoat with no greater involvement."Levi huffed a little breath. "Who else knows about all this?""Only Mike knows the details, he lost his sister in the same raid that killed my father. Hanji knows just enough not to ask questions until the time comes. The rest of the Warriors will bide by me, I’ve made certain of their loyalties."
"And me? You had me operating blindly in a pointless war, just to maintain your cover? I'm supposed to be your right hand, Erwin, and you couldn't trust me?"
“In the case that we were discovered, I couldn’t implicate you.”
“But you could implicate the rest of your unit?”“Yes,” he admits.“We’ve been badgering Erwin for years for your service, if that changes anything,” Pixis slipped in. "It was his insistence to keep you out of it."Levi's frown curved deeper. "And now… after everything, you're involving me now.""…Are you upset with me?""Of course I'm fucking upset with you! I- I just-… I have to know what your reason is, for all of this. I'm pissed off with all these secrets and these big fucking surprises, but I believe in you, Erwin, I always have. Not Marley, not Magath, not any one of those shithead nonces in Helos—I believe in you. So why are you telling me this now? What are you trying to gain?"Erwin shouldn't have been surprised that he knew to ask; Levi was absurdly perceptive, keener than a hound. "Pixis, do you mind if I delay our meeting by another hour? I’d like to speak with Lieutenant Ackermann privately.”
"Not at all." Pixis nodded towards Anka and his men at the table, and rose from his seat. "Let's give our boys some privacy, shall we?" Then they each filed out the door, likely into some other war room with a wider selection of alcohol. The dusty wooden door scraped shut, and then, between one stove crackle and the next, Erwin and Levi were alone.
Erwin grabbed his crinkled bag of food and laid it out on the table, flipping open his pocket knife. "You were right, before. I didn't have supper after I left base. Let's share," he said."It’s late. You'll ruin your appetite for tomorrow," Levi murmured, his face still pinched in irritation."Is that a no?""No." He had already produced one of the many blades he kept on his person, and was slicing twine off the ham.
"I didn't mean to keep it from you this long," Erwin said, breaking bread, "I can't seem to stop worrying you, and for that, I'm sorry.""But for the rest of it, you're not sorry.""No, I'm not. I meant it when I said I didn't want to implicate you, in any case."
"Well, you've implicated me now."
A thorn of guilt tore through Erwin's gut. He pushed past it. "There’s no way to avoid it, now. Ever since you came of age, there had been talk about… what to do with you. After your first mission on the field, General Larkine approached myself and Magath about the future, and about you and your bloodline. You were statutory then, and he wanted to begin," he made a vague gesture, "expanding the family."Levi's knife stilled. "They wanted me to have kids," he said.
Erwin nodded uneasily. "Larkine didn't know about the overwrite in your medical records, he thought it'd be simple. Or at least, simpler. The way you are might have worked in our favour, because it helped me convince him to sign a deal, between just the two of us. In a way, it was his insurance that I would stay loyal to him, in exchange for leaving the possibility of you carrying children off the table."
"Why? What are they planning?""It's nothing remarkable. Your exceptional efficacy proved that Ackermanns could be assets to Marley, and they wanted to grow their holdings. And besides that, you're one of a kind. Larkine used to joke, that- well… he used to joke that his marriage was at risk around you.”“Fucking pest,” Levi hissed, sawing through the ham with more force than necessary.
Erwin laughed out his tension. “I know.”
“If you were going to kill him anyway, you should have told me. I would have done it for you.” Levi said. He rolled a slice of ham with some bread and cheese, and brought it to Erwin’s face. “Here, eat.”
Erwin resisted the instinct to bite it out of Levi’s fingers. “Thank you,” he said, taking it politely. He ate for a moment, collecting his thoughts. “But anyhow, that was the arrangement I had with Larkine. With him 'retired' and General Stuttgart in his place, I’ve been… unsuccessful at renegotiating our previous terms. Stuttgart is determined to see more Ackermanns in his lifetime, and with the war finally closing, he’s flippant about whether you’re on the field or not.”“I won’t let him. You know I wouldn’t let any of them touch me with their pig hands.”
“They know that too. It would be at their own peril if they tried to overpower you. That’s why they’ve always…” Erwin swallowed around nothing, and looked down at his gloves. “They always asked me to do it.”
“…Hah?” It could have been the arid heat of the room, or the dusky lamplight, but Erwin swore that Levi’s face grew pinker.
“They wanted me to have sex with, and impregnate you, lieutenant.” Erwin said, as plainly as he could stand. “I had good reason to refuse with Larkine, but with the kind of man Stuttgart is, he’s going to take much more to appease.”
Levi wrinkled his nose like a bad smell was rising. “Is he threatening you? Does he want to retire you?”
“Not yet, but he’s proud, and insistent. Something tells me he wouldn’t hesitate to give my Titan to one of our young candidates just to get me out of the way.”
“But you won them the war. He’d have piss for brains to kill you when you’ve still got nine years left to serve.”
“Just as much as he would to turn you into a broodmare when you're the best spy in the army," Erwin countered, "It's no longer about our present usefulness, it's about Marley’s future. He's legacy-building. He wants Ackermanns that he can subordinate directly, children that he can use as war dogs."“Our children. He wants to use our children as war dogs.”Erwin shifted in his seat. “Yes, in essence.”“...So what's your plan? Are you going to kill him too?”“I considered it, but another like-minded officer would simply take his place, nevermind that it would be suspicious to kill him while we're both in Liberio. Until spring at least, when Nordheim will be ready and armed, I have to remain below radar.”Levi sunk into himself, brows furrowed. He took a bite of bread, and sighed. “Okay. Just until spring, right?”“It could even be sooner, depending on how stable Helos can remain without its leaders. I’m telling you this now because I need your advice, moving forward. I'm not sure what exactly Stuttgart is planning, but we should both be ready. I can't imagine that you're at all interested in acquiescing to his demands.”“No shit, I’m not. Carrying for nine months?" Levi’s lip curled, "Not a chance. I'd only be a liability, nevermind that I don't need to be looked at like some sort of abomination. Who even knows how the baby would turn out, if it'd even survive at all.”“I feel the same way. I wouldn't want to do anything that would make it difficult for you to fight. But in this situation, I'm at a loss. What can I do for you now?”Levi seemed to think for a while, an absent sort of irritation on his features. Then, he raised his fingers and said, “Two options. Tell the general that it won't be possible while I'm on medicine. If I get off of it, it might take half a year until my body can be ready.”“Is that true?”“Not really. You never know, there's always a risk," Levi looked away, unexpectedly sheepish. "Or, I could find a doctor—Hanji knows one who won't talk—and get surgery. It’ll make it impossible for me to get knocked up no matter what, and the general can eat his own shit.”“Then the Ackermann bloodline would end with you.”“So be it, not my damn problem. My problem is if Stuttgart decides you're more trouble than you're worth because of me, and then the rest of this," he motioned to the breadth of the room, “goes to waste.”
“You're looking out for me,” Erwin said, more to himself.Levi's glare pierced through him. "Of course I am, dumbass! One of us has to! I need you to do what will save your own skin, do you get it? I'll talk to Hanji tomorrow, but if we need to shag anyway so that-""I don't want that." Erwin blurted, "I don't want to use you like that."The iron stove whistled a high note, coals sizzling. Erwin considered dousing it out entirely; he'd grown unbearably hot under the collar.
"Erwin," Levi muttered, low like a warning. "Get serious. We’re not kids anymore. Sticking it in me can’t be any worse than anything else you’ve done to maintain your cover.”
Erwin exhaled, and ran his hands over his face. He tried again to remember Agrupta and the months that followed, but it was patchy and incomplete. In a desperate fit of self-preservation, he gouged it from his memory, like a rotting limb cleaved at the joint. It can’t be any worse than anything else you’ve done. Levi was right—he was always right—but still, Erwin hesitated.
“You’re right. I’ve done things no one should forgive me for. Things that a better man would have prevented, things that have no other justification but my own naïveté. What we’re doing here is supposed to be penance, some ultimate payoff for all those deaths, and I want us to succeed. I want it so badly sometimes I feel out of my mind, but still, I…” he tasted his next words, ”I don't want to hurt you. If that's selfish of me, then so be it.”
Levi’s expression cracked wide, and for a moment, he poured outward. Soft surprise, confusion, and a dash of derision all writ large on his upturned brows. But as quickly as he opened, he shuttered close.
“You’re too late for that, stupid blondie,” he whispered.
Blondie. Erwin's stomach dropped. He had nothing to say.Levi’s hands formed fists on the table, and he drew them close. “Fuck,” he shook his head, “just do what you have to, alright? I’ll make the first move, and we’ll see what happens. If it helps any… I would rather it be you. If it had to be any man, I’d want it to be you.”Erwin felt something bright rise in his throat. “Why?”“…Why do you think? Fucking idiot.” Levi scoffed. "It's because you even asked. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what someone like me thinks. My opinion is worthless to the lot of them, I'm a freak that just happens to be useful. They're rotten men, and you're worth more than the whole damn bunch put together. So, just do what you have to, like always. I'll trust your judgement."
Erwin knew it then, as perhaps he always did, that his attachment to Levi was going to be the end of him. Levi was a collection of little dreams that Erwin could never have, strung together on a wing and a prayer. If he was a stronger man, he would have sliced away at their bond entirely and spared them both the trouble, but Erwin's heart no longer belonged to him, and he had no jurisdiction over its bleeding margins.
"Well, anyway," Levi continued with a sigh. "You have some important meeting with that drunkard, don't you?"Erwin could only nod. His words had fled him in a wind. When he looked up again, Levi was offering him another heap of ham and cheese. "Finish your food before you go, at least."
✶
By noon the following day, the sky had littered its last, and Liberio was muffled under a thick blanket of fresh snow.
Erwin blinked awake to the sound of children shrieking, a small gang of them playing in the street below his apartment. They had turned pieces of scrap metal into toboggans, and were zipping down snowdrifts as tall as sand dunes. The ghost of Pixis' foreign liquor sat sour on his tongue; they had parted ways late last night, before dawn, in the thick of the blizzard. Erwin slept uneasily, and awoke with his blood thrumming in his ears. It was still the eve of the Holy Day.
He rose with a grunt and washed up, spending an indulgent amount of time shaving and styling his hair. By evening, Erwin was due to coordinate a formal ball with the rest of his unit. But before then, he had an errand to run.He bundled up and took to market square, making a beeline for the Zacharius family bakery. The curtains were drawn, and a bright white sign greeted him at the door: CLOSED. Erwin knocked anyway, and put on his best stage smile.
It worked like a charm. Gift in hand, he made a quick trip to Levi’s apartment, nestled along the crooked elbow of the canal, and knocked twice at his door.
Silence.
He tried again—no luck. Erwin stood, puzzled. Levi would never sleep through a disturbance on his threshold, and nevermind that, he'd always been an early riser. Perhaps he'd made headway on his plans, and gone to see Hanji? Erwin considered making a stop at the scientist's flat, but stopped himself short. He was due to base in twenty minutes, and figured he'd see his lieutenant there, sooner or later.
Warriors HQ was all hands on deck by the time he arrived. The cadets had been put to work clearing up the snow and mopping down the halls, while soldiers zig-zagged from office to office, carrying out menial tasks for their superiors. Erwin made a quick circuit around until he found Hanji on the banquet floor, fussing over decorations.
“It’s uneven! Come, come down here- can’t you see?” they shouted to their assistant, perched at the top of a staircase. At Erwin's approach, Hanji brightened with a smile. "Ah, Erwin! It's good to see you, we're in desperate need of good judgement. Tell me, do you prefer the forest green, or the emerald?"
Erwin did a half-hearted scan of the drapery, and realised he could not tell the two colours apart. "The forest green," he said anyway."You know, I thought so too. Moblit! We have to do it again!" Their assistant deflated, and begrudgingly got to work. "So, how's it going, commander? Everything good for tonight?""Not a hitch so far. Actually, Hanji, I wanted to ask if you've seen Levi today?"Hanji tapped their chin, looking up in thought. "Well, now that you mention it, I did see him this morning in the mess hall! I wanted to get his help with something, but it looked like he was leaving in a big hurry. He even left his bowl of soup behind, it was a bit weird. I'm sure he's still on base, though."
Erwin hummed, perplexed. Levi never wasted food. "Thank you Hanji. I'll keep looking for him.""Why don't you try ringing a bell? He'd probably come running," Hanji laughed, before turning their attention back to the dire task of holiday decorating. Erwin decided to put it out of his mind for the moment, and marched towards the officer's quarters on the other side of base.
On the way, he brushed shoulders with Mike, and stopped for a chat."Is that from my family's bakery?" his old friend asked, pointing to the small box in Erwin's hand.
"Keen as ever, Mike. Your mother was very kind to open for me today."Mike huffed, unimpressed. "You get away with too much, just because you have a nice face."
Erwin assented with some humour. "I'm flattered you think so. By the way, Mike—have you seen Levi today?""Levi? Yeah, actually, it looked like he was on his way to your office. Seemed pissed off, but that might have just been his normal look. What for?""This is for him," he said, raising his gift in explanation."Hmph. You're pulling him by the nose, Erwin.""What do you mean?""Getting him gifts, going out for lunch, being all buddy again while you won't even say his name to his face?" Mike snorted, and leaned back casually. "Maybe you're not doing it on purpose, but you've got the guy chasing after a dead end."
Erwin couldn't be more stupefied if Mike had simply hammered his head in. "Huh?" Erwin said. The great gears of his mind ground to a halt."Well, it's none of my business what you two get up to in your free time. Just let him down easy if you have to." Then he was off with a shrug, making haste down the hallway faster than Erwin could think to have another word. Surrounded by passing soldiers, he swirled in bafflement. Pulling Levi by the nose? If anything, Erwin felt like the one being pulled.
Around the corner and up another staircase, Erwin stopped before his office. He unlocked it and let the door swing open. It was empty, if unrepentantly messy. Not like his office in the capital, which Levi had insisted on cleaning regularly after Kandhara’s surrender. And he had let him do it, instead of spitting up some cheap excuse like he normally did, sitting back with his papers while Levi dusted and wiped down every square inch of the room. Put simply, he liked to watch him work. Erwin had learned to restrain the urge to touch him in every way but with his eyes.
…Perhaps he was doing a little pulling.He couldn't help himself, even if he did feel a stab of embarrassment at the thought. He'd done well to paint a veneer of professionalism over their friendship for the past four years, but the paint was peeling; this close to the end, his reservations were chipping on their corners. But a little indulgence oughtn't ruin all his previous efforts, right? He just needed to make it to the spring—till spring, when they’ll storm the border police's office and raze Liberio's walls to the ground, finally, like he’d always dreamed of.And then what would they become? What would change? Erwin wasn't naïve. That tightness in his sternum that unfurled whenever Levi called his name, staring up at him with a knowing glance and a secret smile—it would be with him until the day he died. But so would the ghosts that sat sticky on his fingers, and the bone-deep knowing that they’d only multiply in time. No—that he would make them multiply. Trifold, five-fold, he would shove as many lives into the ground as needed to achieve his goals. And wasn't he so righteous for that? Measuring the weight of lives against the cost of his ambition, until the scale buckled and snapped on its beam.
He wondered if it would ever end, if there was a future where he could be sated, gorged on victory and safe to rest his head. If there was a future where he could concern himself with nothing but how to make Levi laugh, and how to make him happy, the kind of happy that glowed out of him and softened all his edges. Erwin could imagine it then, a life occupied by nothing but the rigorous taxonomy of all of Levi’s pleasures; how to touch him and hold him and kiss him just right, so that he might understand a fraction of Erwin’s wild affection. He’d ply him open with his fingers, with his mouth, just as he’d ply him with all the plundered riches of the world, with all the food and luxury he could thieve away. He’d be sustained on Levi’s attentions, eating the sighs from his mouth and drinking the tears of his ecstasy, wasting nothing, wanting nothing. He would be good at that life, Erwin decided. He’d be content with it.Or maybe he’d always be possessed, never satisfied, madness lingering in the very mulch of his corpse.
Regardless, he couldn’t afford the distraction. Erwin sighed and stepped into his office. He had mail to send, appointments to cancel, and a whole laundry list of requests to approve. He had to focus, and keep his gaze forward.
"Erwin!" …Levi? His head snapped to the source of the voice, strained at the edges. He looked back outside: there, slinking around the corner and towards his door, was Levi. He leaned heavily against the wall, hunched over like he was struggling to keep his balance.
"Erwin, they're-…" his breath came out laboured, shoulders rising and falling in a shallow rhythm. His arm slipped where it was supporting the brunt of his weight, and he had to catch the wall with both hands. "Those goddamn bastards-"Ice-cold panic jolted through Erwin's body, and he rushed over to Levi. "Lieutenant, what's the matter? Are you alright?" He gripped Levi's shoulder, and found him unusually pliable."Sedatives, in the fucking food- I could taste it…" he groaned. "Behind me, they've been following- look out…" His eyes had gone glassy, and his knees buckled. Erwin caught him against his chest, his gift box dropping to the floor. Inside was a tea tart—Levi's favourite—that crumpled apart on impact.
"Ackermann!" Erwin yelled. He'd gone limp, a deadweight in Erwin's arms. "Stay with me, just-"
In the distance, he could hear the rumbling of boots coming from both ends of the hallway, growing closer until two squads of armed soldiers appeared in a stiff array. They didn't look to be special forces of any kind, but they were all unmistakably Marleyan, and Erwin couldn't touch them. Pincered between the encroaching units, Erwin held his lieutenant closer, and braced himself.“What is this?” he shouted, “Who sanctioned this?”“Make way!” yelled the squad leader, loud enough to carry over a sea of helmets. At his bellow, the entire formation split down the middle, a stampede of boots shuffling in unison. Erwin froze, recognizing the familiar silhouette stalking down centre-lane.With a thundering roll of dread, Erwin realised what was happening—and what was to come.General Stuttgart walked with a wide gait, one hand casually tucked into an undone portion of his jacket. He appeared unarmed, but just seeing him felt like a pistol to the head, cool gunmetal on skin.
"Hello, Erwin," the general said. "I told you that we'd get a chance to return to our last discussion. Come, let’s get some privacy."
✶
With two dozen gunmen in tow, Erwin carried Levi in his arms, and followed Stuttgart’s lead.
The lieutenant had fallen unconscious, breathing deeply while tucked against Erwin's shoulder. He marked every exit they passed by, mentally charting escape routes and fire cover. Uncertainty tied knots in his gut, his mind moving at a blistering pace, calculating an infinite realm of possibilities.They had marched past Stuttgart's office and were headed towards the last suite on the top floor, where the VIP accommodations were. There, Stuttgart ordered his men into a single-file line down the length of the hall, barring all passage to and from the room. The general unlocked the suite, and curtly invited Erwin inside.
"Guests first,” he smiled. Erwin had nowhere to run. He held Levi tighter against himself, and stepped inside.
Erwin surveyed his surroundings. There was a king-sized bed with a luxurious canopy, a closet, an ensuite bathroom, and a single ornate chair at the foot of the bed, positioned forward. Positioned to watch. Erwin felt bile rise on his breath."Leave the Ackermann on the bed." Stuttgart ordered. Erwin complied, laying Levi down with a hand on the back of his head, as gently as he could. He was out like a light, as yielding as a doll—a densely-muscled, unexpectedly heavy doll."It's easier like this, isn't it? No matter how proud they are, the right dosage will make everything easier," Stuttgart drawled.
"…What in the goddamned hell is this?" Erwin spat. He had no more mind left for politeness.
"Consider it a standard allegiance test." Stuttgart locked the doors and ambled over to the foot of the bed, reclining into his seat with an exhale. "I have the right to know if I can trust the esteemed leader of our Warriors unit, don’t I?""Did you drug him? This is an obscene violation of-”"The last we spoke, I recall giving you a direct order, soldier. And what did you do? Tell me, Erwin, what did you do?"
"Nothing, sir. I did nothing out of conduct.""Not nothing, boy—think. You rebuked me. You questioned my authority by advising against my interests. Why? Because you think you're clever. I know your type, Erwin, it's in your blood." The general sat languid, the very image of nonchalance. "Your traitor father thought he was so clever too, didn't he? So we took you in, and we gave you a chance to correct his mistakes, and you did. You've done remarkably well for yourself. If you were my son, you’d be my pride and joy."Erwin had gone cold at the mention of his father, his blood draining from his fists. "I can't carry out your order, sir.""You can't, or you refuse?""I can't. The lieutenant is infertile. He can't conceive, any further action would be pointless."At that, Stuttgart laughed—a harsh, baying sound. He enunciated each word slowly, as if Erwin were a child, "I don't believe you.""What reason might I have to lie?""You're a good-mannered boy, Erwin. You might look and sound like a real man, but you're all soft inside, always waiting for permission. You must be the type to go slow with your women, pretending to care for what they think. What are you really like, beneath that façade?""I don't see what that has to do with the matter at hand, sir. Lieutenant Ackermann cannot bear children, this entire charade is senseless.""If he's infertile, then why the arrangement with Larkine? Why strike a deal to prevent an impossibility?""So that this precise scenario could be avoided, sir," he gritted out. "The Ackermann is my responsibility, I will not allow central to do what they please at his expense." Erwin drew in a breath, feeling splinters in his chest. He had to settle his emotions, he had to control himself.
"Then show me."
"What?""Come on, show me. If you fuck him now, and it doesn't take in a month's time, then who am I to argue?"
“…Excuse me?“"Are you worried you won’t get it up? You shouldn’t be. The army ought to find more of his kind, really. Strong like a man, but for the parts of you that care, he’ll serve you like a woman," Stuttgart sneered.Erwin could hardly think straight with the rage pounding in his ears. There were no obvious weapons in the room, but he could just as easily ram Stuttgart's skull against the wall until it gnashed into a bloody pulp, or tear out his windpipe with his teeth. And then what? He'd be court-martialled and interrogated and swallowed down the gullet of a mindless Titan, churned to shit with the rest of the resistance's plans. He was stuck, he was suspended between one hell and the next.
-just do what you have to, like always.
He tried a different approach. "You have no authority over what I or the Ackermann do outside of military protocol. Haven't we already demonstrated our fealty to the army? Ought we lay down our dignity too?""Careful soldier, let's not forget the basics. You're property of the state—that means, whatever a Marleyan tells you to do, you do it. If my men outside want you to shine their boots, you'll do it. If a street beggar wants you to give him a little song and dance, you'll do it." Stuttgart tilted his head, leering at Erwin. "Now, when I give you an order, you had better goddamn do it, and be grateful that I'm not ordering you to be fucked this time. And what are you so prudish for anyway? This is standard practice among the peerage. My father knew that the first thing you ought to do to trust another man is to take him to the brothel. You'll learn more about a man with his pants down than from anything that comes out of his mouth. And tell me, Erwin, tell me honestly, haven't you thought about it before?""Pardon?"
"Haven't you thought about fucking him? What it might feel like? Come on, be honest."Erwin was sick up to his ears. He held himself rigid, afraid to let himself move, lest his legs take him over to Stuttgart, where he'd squeeze the life out of him without a second thought. Of course he'd thought about it. Of course he dreamed about Levi, and imagined him when he was alone at night, in all sorts of vivid and vulgar ways, in lurid technicolor, in burning ardour. He'd wanted him since they were teenagers—since the time he discovered he could want anyone, he'd wanted Levi.
But this-This wasn't Levi. It was just his body—unconscious, prone.And he couldn't want this."Yes," Erwin answered finally, tight in his throat. "Yes I have.""Then, let me give you what you want.""You don't know what I want."
If it had to be any man-
"But I do. Because you're just a man, and because you understand the consequences if I can't trust you, aren't I right, Warchief Smith?"
-I'd want it to be you.
Was this what Caroline meant? Erwin could feel himself dangling above his own body, watching the world through a long tunnel. His hands weren't his, his arms and his legs and his guts and his bones were forfeit to the whims of the Empire, property of Marley. He could already imagine it then: it wasn't going to be him fucking Levi. It was going to be his shell, vacant, strung up like a marionette. He wouldn't be there."I want you to know something, Erwin." Stuttgart continued, "I respect you, I do. I respect any man who strives above his station. You've served the Empire admirably, you and your unit both. I want to give you a chance to be a part of this country's future, do you understand? I want you to have a legacy you can be proud of, at the end of your short road."
Erwin watched Levi where he lay, unaware of the turmoil unfolding before him. His black armband had folded on itself, the ten-pointed star crumpled against his bicep."When I die, my sons will carry on my will, just as I carry on the ambitions of my father, and just as he carried on those of his father. In that way, no one ever truly disappears, wouldn't you agree?"Carefully, Erwin leant down on the bed, his shadow creeping over the pale sheets. In one gloved palm, he cupped Levi's cheek, thumbing over the deep purple bags beneath his lashes. He hadn't seen Levi asleep since they were boys, when Levi would crawl into his bunk and lay curled against his side, his small fists bunched in Erwin's shirt. The strongest—that was what he was called, even back then.
“You don’t have to believe me,” his father said that night, over the gentle hissing of an oil lantern. Erwin was half-asleep already, his hectic head unravelling atop the softest pillow in the world, inside the safest room, tucked into bed by the gentlest hands. “You can keep living a normal life, like a normal boy, and I will still love you.”
“Why, Papa? Why do you love me?” It was the nonsensical, idle questioning of a child who was endlessly curious, never satisfied with any truth too plain.
“Because you are my wonderful son,” his father said, stroking over Erwin’s hairline. “Fighting is painful, and it is dangerous. It is easy to forget why we do it at all, when so often it only hurts to try. If I couldn’t love you no matter what path you chose, then I’d have no reason to keep fighting. That is why, Erwin, you don’t have to dream the way I dream. You can forget everything I said today. You can forget it all, and I’ll love you, always.”
Erwin strained to remember his father’s face. It didn’t come to him easily anymore. They burned everything that belonged to him when they hung him in town square, soot rising from that big black bonfire. Each piece of clothing, every last book, all his maps, his glasses, his wrinkled photographs; every last bit of him, gone. There was nothing in the world to keep him by, nothing that preserved what the gentle rasp of his reading voice sounded like, or the taste of his cooking, or the warmth of his big embrace. Only Erwin was left, haunted by a half-remembered ghost.
And soon, even he would be lost to the fire."Do you need direction?" Stuttgart taunted. "Do you need a guide on how to take off your trousers and stick it in? Or should I-""I refuse." Erwin said. He lifted his hand from Levi's cheek and straightened on his haunches, standing tall over the general. "I won't do it, and nothing you say will convince me otherwise. Do with me what you will, but the Ackermann is and will always be beyond your jurisdiction."For a tiny eternity, there was only silence.Stuttgart uncrossed his legs, and heaved a great sigh. He stroked over his beard, brows furrowed, eyes trained on the uncertain space between them. Then, he reached into his jacket, below the hollow of his armpit, and pulled out a revolver. Before Erwin could even flinch, Stuttgart pointed its gleaming barrel and shot twice, whip-crack quick.The bullets landed like burning punches in his chest and shoulder, smashing the bones in his clavicle and blasting a hole through one of his lungs. Erwin staggered back a step, the shock of the blows sizzling down his torso. There was no pain—only heat and pressure and iron in the back of his palate, but the pain would come soon, so Erwin had to act fast-"Sit down, boy. You disappoint me." Stuttgart snarled. He rose from his chair and prowled towards the bed, gun smoking. He shot again, straight into Erwin's gut and out through his lower back. Erwin stumbled and caught the drawers behind him, strangling back a groan. "Hardly a man at all, what's the matter with you? If you want something, take it!"He shoved past Erwin and reached for Levi, taking a fistful of his collar and shaking him like a ragdoll. "Look at him! Your precious lieutenant, out cold! You can't get a fuck like this if you paid for it! Pay attention, Erwin, and you'll see how sons of bitches like you get made."
"Don’t fucking touch him!" Erwin growled, lurching for the general through a deep pink mist.
"You should have been thankful!" Stuttgart yanked on Levi's belt, jerking his coat open and exposing the lazy splay of his legs, his narrow waist and hips. "I gave you a chance to make something of yourself but you’re too damn soft to appreciate it, you and your bastard hound.” He tugged up Levi’s shirt tails, popping open his fly and hooking thick fingers into his trousers. “Bah, how the mighty have fallen. Once, the Ackermanns were a clan of warriors. Now look at what’s left—just a runt of a whoreson. Pathetic-"There was a wet, choking noise.
There was an arcing ribbon of blood, blooming through the air, splattering onto the canopy and over pristine bedsheets.
There was the general, teetering on his heels and crashing backwards onto the floor, gripping his throat with both hands, dark red squeezing out from between shaking fingers. There was his face, aghast, too stunned to even whimper.And then there was Levi, rising off the bed, blade in hand.
He strolled over to where Stuttgart had fallen, with the easy stride of a poacher watching his snare line wriggle."You look good like this, general," he said, rumbling deep. "You grovel good."Then, he grabbed Stuttgart by his hair and lifted up, up, slicing through his fingers and into the soft meat below his chin. A watery protest bubbled up from the general's lips, turning into a thin animal wail, until there was nothing to be heard but the sawing shlick-shlick-shlick of a knife, introducing itself through the thick of a human neck.Levi grunted and tore into Stuttgart's spine, prying off his head with a rapturous fountain of blood. They met eyes across the arterial spray, drizzling out the flared ends of Stuttgart’s neck and down onto Levi's boots, soaking into the carpet. Everything smelled metallic, sharp and stifling, thick enough to taste it in the air."Disgusting," Levi muttered. He kissed his teeth and dropped the general's severed head, where it hit the floor with a dull thud, and stepped towards Erwin. The head rolled on its still-twitching face, mouth gasping around soundless words—like a dying fish, clinging onto life by the gills.But Levi was only moving closer.
"Levi-" he started, sounding small to his own ears.
The lieutenant crowded up into Erwin's space, his face impossibly close, blotting out the rest of the world. There was blood on his lashes, running dewy down the ends of his bangs, speckling over his lips.Then, with the gentlest exhale, he lifted a hand, and caressed Erwin's face.Erwin was paralyzed. He was pinned down like a bug tacked to a board. His gunshots had begun to heal, steam whistling from the punctures in his coat, but he couldn't feel a thing. All of reality had dilated down to the rough cradle of Levi's palm, the warm blood on his fingers, the hot trance in his eyes. Erwin felt smothered by them, he felt witnessed, pierced through to the very pit of his soul. His heartbeat was in his ears, quick enough that it flattened into a buzz.In slow-motion, Levi tilted his head, leaning in closer, and pressed a kiss to Erwin's cheek. His soft lips lingered for a sparkling infinity, as Erwin felt the ground beneath him dipping on its axis, the planet stuttering in its rotation. Then Levi pulled back, absolution on his breath, and whispered-"Good man."The air rushed back into Erwin’s lungs, and in a headwind, he was reanimated."Levi..? How did you-?"
One end of Levi's mouth curved into a smirk. "I'm not an amateur, Erwin. If I could taste a sedative, why the fuck would I swallow it?"“Then you, the whole time-” Erwin shook his head. Now wasn’t the time. He had to breathe, and he had to think.
But before he could get a chance to, the doors pounded.“General, sir?” came a bellowing voice, “Was that you? Are you alright?” It was the squad leader, booming from behind thin oak. It was all that stood between Levi, Erwin, and a hailstorm of bullets.Levi straightened like a rod, and cut Erwin with a familiar look. Give me an order.
Erwin had no choice, he had to decide now. The future, once laid out neatly before him, scrambled and rearranged dramatically. There was no more waiting until spring, no chance of returning back to normal after this. The squad leader shouted and banged on the door again, rattling its bolts, as Erwin focused on healing his gut wound. He signaled for Levi to position away from view, and peeled off his gloves, stepping over Stuttgart’s headless body.“Sir, we need a status! Sir-“
Erwin opened the door.“...Smith?”He met face to face with the squad leader, flanked by a parade of mounted rifles. Erwin leaned against the door frame, considering them. He wondered what he looked like to their eyes. Were they afraid of him? Disgusted by him? In awe of him? Two dozen soldiers, as much dogs of the military as him, and yet Marleyan by virtue of nothing more than which side of the walls they’d been born on. It infuriated him.He gathered himself, and spat a bloody glob onto the squad leader’s boot.
It happened all at once, in a dizzying burst of sound and motion. Between the squad leader’s indignant squawk and the first gun firing, Erwin raised his hand and summoned a thunderous bolt of power, loud as a cannon at close range. The massive bones of his Titan's arm materialised in a flash, exploding down the hallway with a cascade of broken glass. The soldiers cried out, caught in the tremendous grasp of his skeletal hand or toppled over by the blast, choking on smoke and debris. With a grunt of exertion, Erwin twisted the gigantic limb, demolishing the walls and knocking the men down to their doom.
“Levi!” he shouted. He tore himself from the interstitial tissue on his Titan’s arm, and extended a hand to where the lieutenant stood behind cover.Levi took his hand, skin on steaming skin, and Erwin pulled them both out, up over the bones and sliding down to the snowy courtyard, just as the alarm bells began to strike. Shit. All of base would be mobilised against them now. The steam would provide cover from the sniper towers, but if Mike or Hanji ran out…
He didn’t have time to consider it, hitting the ground running, scrambling for the gates. Levi followed suit, hot on his heels as Erwin summoned another crack of lightning, bulldozing down the metal fence with just his Titan’s hand, wide enough to grip together the four unwitting guards like a bouquet of flowers.
He could hear the sounds of a thousand boots rushing into the courtyard, and sprinted into town without a glance backwards. There were shots, blasting out pits of cobblestone, whiffing by a centimetre, and petering out as Erwin and Levi weaved into a shuffling mass of bodies.
They dashed through narrow streets and leapt over honking automobiles as a riot of voices shrieked and yelped all around them. Erwin ducked into an alleyway, skidding on ice, keeping Levi in his periphery."Traitors! The chief and his lieutenant are traitors!"“That way! They went that way!”
“Just grab them already!”
“Hurry, before they get away!”
“Erwin!” Levi called, slicing through the noise. Erwin spun around, and found that he had stripped off his blood-stained coat and cravat. “Give me your jacket, we can mislead them like this.” He complied in a flash, ripping off his overclothes and handing them to Levi, who tossed the pile down a forking pathway.“Do you know where you’re going?” he asked, breathing heavily. They’d been sprinting at a steady knot for an indistinct blur of time.Erwin nodded to the grate beneath his feet. “There’s an entrance to the tunnel system through the sewage, take one end of this with me and we can lift it-“
“And you can what?” cut in another voice.
Levi had his knives out faster than Erwin could turn to see who'd spoken: down the winding end of the alleyway, standing with his rifle mounted, was General Magath.
Electricity crackled. Erwin dug blunt nails into his palms until the skin broke, waiting on Magath’s next move. It was a standoff, two decades of history hanging between them, strained against unfeeling brick. Magath was the man who brought them both into this hell, and there he was, at the mouth of its exit.“Give it up Erwin, and we can salvage this!” he shouted. “You don’t have to run, you can still explain yourself and we can seek pardon from the high command!” Erwin listened closely to the air, and could hear no reinforcements on the approach. He gave them the moment to idle.“I killed General Stuttgart,” Erwin lied, watching the shock eclipse Magath’s face. “There will be no pardon from the high command by any measure of imagination. Did you know what he was planning? Did you assist him?”“No, what happened? Why did you transform?” Magath seemed confused, but he could have just as easily been feigning innocence. Erwin, regardless, was relieved.“I’m glad. No matter what happens after this, I would like to believe that we were more than just cattle to you.”“What the hell are you talking about? I’m ordering you to stand down, Erwin! Stop running, and we can still fix this!”
“No, we can’t.”“So you’re a deserter? Is that who you are, Erwin? Have you no honour, no loyalty?”“Loyalty I have, but not to any cause that you and I share.”Magath's eyes widened, quick on the uptake. "Traitor!" he shouted, gripping the forestock of his rifle and centering his aim on Erwin's skull. Levi flinched, but halted when Erwin signaled to wait. “Are you with the Restorationists? The cult of Ymir? Those Iron Empire freaks in Vergelt? For how long?” Magath said."Shoot me, if you’d like. You don’t have the right gun to kill me, and Levi has better aim." Erwin was gambling again, holding out for a miracle. He needed an answer from his former commander, from the man who practically raised him and, in his own way, protected them both. “I might be a traitor, but even you know that this can’t last forever. Marley is unsustainable. This empire is just as doomed as I am, for the same reason that you’re hesitating to shoot me now. I know you don’t believe what they say about us, because if you did, you’d never have taken me in, or any of the other orphans.”“We took you in to turn you into soldiers-”“And I’m a soldier disobeying orders, so treat me like one.”An indeterminate dash of time came and went, but Magath still hadn't pulled the trigger. A front of wind bowled down the alley, running cold teeth along Erwin's neck and cheeks. In the distance, a rail train whistled its departure and peeled out of Liberio. Drooping above them, the banners of the Empire rippled in the wind, hanging like mournful heads.
Then, with as much distraught solemnity as Erwin had ever seen in the man, Magath lowered his gun."...Go, Erwin," he intoned. "Take him with you and go. If I ever see your face again, I'll kill you without thinking twice about it, do you understand?"The tension unwinded out of Erwin's shoulders, and he cracked a little smile. "Yes sir, I understand." Then he turned to his lieutenant and ordered, "Take his gun, but don't kill him."
Quick as a lurching viper, Levi threw his knife into Magath's shoulder, landing hilt-deep. The other man hardly had time to cry out before Levi sprinted and pounced on him, wrestling the rifle out of his hands and shoving him harshly to the ground. Without a second of sentiment, he bolted back to Erwin, and gave him the gun."Erwin, you bastard!" Magath hollered, scrambling to sit upright.Erwin took aim for the bolt on the sewage grate, and blasted it open in a flurry of ice and shrapnel. When it came loose, he lifted the cover and kicked it aside, revealing a straight drop into a river of sludge.
With wordless resignation, he held his breath, and jumped down.
They landed with a splash, mud and excrement flying up in waves, sloshing around their knees. Levi sneered, turning his face up from the smell. "Fucking disgusting," he cursed.Erwin trudged over to the raised walkways and stomped the slush out of his boots. "We'll need to keep running," he said, "there's a safe-house near the river delta, at least 15 kilometers east. It might not be stocked, but it's our best bet for the moment.""The tunnels go that far?""I told you, they're very old." Erwin handed the rifle back to Levi on account of his marksmanship, and broke into a jog, heading deeper into the sewers."Why didn't you kill Magath?" Levi asked, following suit. "He'll only tell the rest of them where we went."Erwin made a sharp turn right, watching the rusted signs above them. In the deep archives of his memory, a map of Liberio’s waterway system spun and spun, until an escape route crystallized in his mind. Their footsteps echoed into darkness, a sharp staccato rhythm clapping down the tunnels."I needed to know something," he said finally.
"Know what?" Levi asked."If it's possible to overcome the prejudice that Marley has cultivated for its own survival. When the time comes, the world will need to do what he just did. If someone of his position can learn to recognize us as human, then it'll be possible, in some far future, for anyone else to."
"How is that a fair measure? He's known us since we were brats.""Regardless, I didn’t get shot back there. That has to mean something, right?""You're an idealist.""I have to be, lieutenant. It's how I've made it this far."
Suddenly, beyond the bars of an overhead storm drain, a troop of soldiers marched past, all clattering gear and clubby footfalls. Levi tugged Erwin away from the gridded light, pressing him close to the walls with a hand to his chest."Split up!" barked one soldier, "Search the alleys and the rooftops, raid every apartment until they’re found! They cannot be allowed to escape at any cost!"Below the earth, languishing in the stench of shit and wastewater, Levi scoffed. His hand was still firmly on Erwin’s sternum, pressing down on his heartbeat.
Erwin took his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, until Levi noticed himself and jerked away."We have to go," he beckoned.
"Right. Lead the way, commander."Erwin did as he was told.
✶
They ran.
Until the underground river narrowed into a trickling stream, and by some feeling in their bones, they knew they had left Liberio. Until they reached a wooden door, hidden behind a cascade of vines, and pried it open, revealing a pathway into impenetrable darkness.They ran farther.Until Erwin lost track of how much time had passed, and they only knew their way forward from the sound of each other and the damp touch of the walls. Until they exhausted their lungs and their legs, and settled on a brisk walking pace. Sweat cooled on their foreheads, and their heels blistered in their boots. They kept going.“Erwin,” Levi whispered. It was the first thing he’d spoken since they entered the secret passage.
“Hm?”“Is your leg okay?”“It's fine,” he lied. His left knee ached so much that he swore he heard it creaking, but it was easy enough to ignore with everything else on his mind. There were more pressing matters to attend to, his body aside.“Maybe I’m asking too soon, but,” Levi seemed to search for his words, “what’s going to happen now?”
Erwin exhaled with a slump of his shoulders. “First, I’ll have to get a letter to Pixis. I need to report on what happened and let him know that the current plan is off. They’ll probably send Hanji and Moblit on a manhunt for us, and Mike will likely face interrogation. But… right now, all we have to do is survive.”
Levi swallowed with a click, his throat dry and rasping. “I’m sorry,” he said.“For what?”“For sabotaging your cover and ruining your plans. I had an idea of what Stuttgart was planning the moment I tasted the soup and saw his guards, but… I played along anyway. I didn’t consider what it might cost you and your mission, and for that I’m sorry.”There was a dripping sound coming from farther down the tunnel, tinny and growing closer with every step. Erwin zoned in on it to keep his mind together, to stay inside his head. “Don’t apologise, Levi. You weren’t given much choice—I was. And with how Stuttgart was, something was bound to give, sooner or later.”“It should have been later. You could have had more time, or… I don’t know. This is a shit show.”“It is,” Erwin agreed.
A beat of silence, and then-“...What did you expect would happen?”“What?”
“When you pretended to take Stuttgart’s drugs, what did you think I would do?” Erwin asked.
“I don’t know. That’s why I did it, because I didn’t know.”“You would risk yourself like that?”“What risk was there? I told you, if it had to be any man, I’d rather it be-”“I wouldn’t do that to you. You-… why would I do that?”“You wouldn’t do what to me? Fuck me? I heard you back there, you know.”
Erwin stopped walking. Levi too, shuffled to a halt. Swimming in darkness, it was easy to imagine that he was just having a nightmare. A long, dreadful dream, down an endless hallway into nothingness. And when he woke up, he could restart the day, or even his whole life again. He could be eight years old, reading the good citizen manuals, looking at those cartoon families and wondering where his mother had gone. Drip, drip, drip.
“I meant the risk of pregnancy,” he clarified, flattening his tone. “Regardless of what you were comfortable with me doing in the moment, there could have been lasting consequences.”Levi grunted in dismissal. “A baby is easy to get rid of early on,” he countered.“Not by any safe methods. This is your health at stake, Levi, and I’m not gambling on that.”
“And yours was not also at stake? Is fucking dying not enough of a health risk to you? And why all the hand-wringing now? I’ve spent more time in enemy territory than most veteran agents, on missions drafted and sanctioned by you. I know risk, Erwin, I’ve had enough of it for a lifetime, and I’ll tell you what, playing dead for some geezer voyeur is still a hell of a lot safer than running guns halfway across the world.”
“…You’re angry at me.”
Drip, drip, drip.
“What? No, I- I was supposed to be apologising. Shit,” he sighed harshly. “No, it’s just… God, I just wish you’d be more selfish sometimes. This is all my fault, I’ll admit that, but you- you just chose to give yourself up, like it was nothing. Like the self-sacrificing bastard you’ve always been.”“You’re wrong. I am selfish, Levi.” Just like Stuttgart, just like Lord Tybur, just like Larkine. He was a fool to believe he was any different from all the other drunkards with dreams who came before him, willing to kill and lie and use another person’s body to get his way.
Caroline had told him to be good. It was her last words, spilled from a weary mouth, riding on a rattling breath. She had been used her entire life. Since the day she was born, she’d been confined and sequestered, then shoved face-down into a rug and made a vessel for one man’s legacy. Caroline had told him to be good, and he had failed her, continuously, and with fierce determination.It was getting hard to breathe.
“That’s not true, Erwin. I-… I don’t have the words to say it right, but- you’re not as cruel as you think you are.”“Your opinion of me is unearned. Everything I’ve ever done was for my own aims, to secure my own position within Marley. All those people- that first time, in Mirkovol. You were there, weren’t you? You saw me trample them, like bugs. And when it was over, I didn’t even feel anything. Wasn’t I supposed to feel something? It was 3000 people, whole human beings, just unlucky to be where they were. Tell me, lieutenant, aren’t I supposed to feel something? I kept wondering to myself why, and then I-… I…”
“Erwin? Hey, hey-” Levi’s hand landed on the flat of his back, a five-pointed brand of heat. Erwin grit his jaws together and sucked in air through his nose, eyes squeezing shut. But there was no reprieve from this—he could feel it rolling higher on the horizon, pressing on his chest, wringing cold hands around his neck. There was nowhere to run, and there never would be.In the staticky black wash behind his eyelids, unspeakable horrors were waiting for him, seething. He tried so hard to forget Agrupta, to bury it beyond recollection, but there it persisted, overflowing out of the bedrock of his memory, rendered in shadow and smoke. Human faces milled into cartilage, ribcages popping like balloons beneath his feet. Children, men, women, hapless grandmothers and grandfathers, those too weak to evacuate, those too strong to leave their families behind. An endless expanse of bodies bent into angry shapes, the smell of burning meat rising in the wind, a thousand voices hurdling in a crashing tide, crying out his name. And there, beneath it all—his father’s body, his distended stomach, overflowing with maggots. He was always there, he would always be waiting. Dripdripdripdripdripdrip.
“Even when I met you- when Magath assigned me to you, I thought I could…” Erwin’s head was starting to swirl. There wasn’t enough air in the entire world for his lungs. “I was supposed to get closer to you, so that I could control you, and I did. I used you for my own gain, just like the rest of them, just like I used Caroline, and Magath, and Mike, and-”“Erwin, I need you to calm down, just breathe,” Levi’s hand was moving, sliding up his back and down again. “C’mon, I’m not mad at you, okay? I promise.”“You should be—if you had any instinct for self-preservation at all, you should be. I lied to you, I’ve only ever lied to you. If you stay with me, I’ll only keep using you to get what I want, until the day I die, because I- I can’t stop myself, I can’t stop myself, I can’t- I can’t stop, Levi-”“Shut up!” Levi snapped. “Just shut the fuck up, for one second!” Erwin could feel him sliding past his flank, until they faced each other in the darkness. Levi’s hands travelled up his arms, where they settled on either side of face. “You’re having a panic attack,” he whispered, quiet as a revelation.
“I-” Erwin pushed past the strangling feeling in his throat, “I know. I know, I know. I’m sorry, I’m- ah…”
Levi’s thumbs brushed over his cheeks, “Hey, hey, don’t apologize. Happens all the time in the trenches, yeah? I’m not mad at you. Just listen to me, Erwin, focus on me, I’m right here.”“Why?” he choked out, shaking his head like a dog. He was cold, frigid down to his fingers, and still sweating up a storm. “Why- still?” There were better words, more precise words that he could have fished out of the swamp of his mind, but they all eluded him, slipping from grasp and comprehension. Why are you still here? he wondered, each and every time Levi looked his way. Why here, with me? “Because I want to be. Is that so hard to understand? I want to be by your side, Erwin, but If I’m just a burden-”“No,” Erwin shook his head harder, and grabbed Levi by the wrists. “No, no, no, you’re not. Not you.”He scoffed. “Then what is it? You say you’ll only use me, but you turned down Stuttgart’s order. You ask me why I’m still here, but don’t want me to leave. What should I do, Erwin? What do you want me to do?”
Erwin’s balance sloshed, and he struggled not to heave in front of Levi. “…You tell me,” he gasped, “I want you to… tell me what to do.” He’d been chief of his unit for four years, but he was still a soldier at heart, and there were times when he yearned for the base input of an order, fulfilled without question. And in a pitch black tunnel beneath the earth, running from fate and a military superpower, his brain buzzing and turning in his skull—this was one of those times.“You what?” Levi gawked. Then, with a quiet air of resolution, he said, “I want you to breathe, Erwin. Slow down, breathe with me.” His hands slid off of Erwin’s face and snaked around his neck and back, his arms coming up to rest around Erwin’s shoulders. They pressed chest to chest, such that Erwin could match the rhythm of his breathing to Levi’s, and feel the solid thud-thud-thud of his heart. “That’s it, just slow down a little. You’re always going so fast.”“I’m sorry,” Erwin said, muffled into Levi’s shoulder.“Don’t apologise. You’re okay, it’s okay.”“Don’t leave me.”“I won’t. And I won’t hate you, either. Even if you wanted me to, I wouldn’t know how.”“Why?”“Why do you think?” Levi squeezed tighter, his fingers weaving into the crown of Erwin’s hair. “Hold me,” he sighed, “just shut up and hold onto me.”
Erwin knew the sound of an order when he heard one. His hands came up to Levi’s hips, coiling around his waist, around the rifle strapped to his back, nose buried into the tender skin of his neck. He smelled like sweat and skin, like the room they once shared, like the home he used to be.
Levi was real. He was real and warm and he was clinging onto Erwin, and Erwin was clinging onto him, and they were somewhere between the edge of the world and hell, but they were together, finally.And then, for just a moment, Erwin was absolved. All of time skidded to a standstill around them, for everything good and soft and merciful in the world fit inside the span of Erwin’s arms, and nothing else mattered.The whirlwind lost momentum, and settled into a deep hum in the far corner of his mind. He sighed, and fell deeper into Levi’s embrace. The other man was stroking his hair, rasping his blunt nails gently into Erwin’s undercut, up and down again in thoughtless affection. The simple pleasure of it threatened to steal his breath all over again.It was Levi who spoke first, once more. “How long have you been having these again?”“...Since yesterday.”
“You told me they went away. You said you had them under control, before.”
“You had enough to worry about.”At that, Levi pulled back an inch. Erwin couldn’t see his face, but he imagined he was giving his usual irritated glower. “Your stupid blond head is the biggest thing I have to worry about—why do you think we’re in this mess in the first place?” He made a sound like he was kissing his teeth, “Are you okay now, at least?”“Better,” he said. Levi’s arms were unwinding around his neck, running down his shoulders and his arms, until his thumbs latched onto Erwin’s. His hands were balmy, and the pads of his calluses were rough and hard, but when Erwin gripped back and closed the space between their palms, he was warm—he was the warmest thing Erwin ever held.“You’re the only thing I worry about,” Levi said softly. “So don’t close me off anymore, because it won’t work. If it hurts, Erwin, you can tell me, I won’t judge you. I want to carry your burdens with you. That’s the choice I made for myself, and I won’t regret it, even if you lead me into hell.”Erwin felt it on the tip of his tongue, a delirious confession of what he’d tried to extinguish for so long. He swallowed it down, and said instead, “Thank you, Levi. For everything.”“Pah, don’t thank me too soon. We still have to get out of this tunnel.”“...We do, don’t we?”A few paces from where they stood, Erwin could hear the dripping sound again, marking the path ahead. He turned towards it, and began to walk.
✶
Erwin knew they were approaching the end of the tunnel when the smell of the air changed.
The oppressive, damp scent of root rot and mulch gave way to something cold and clear, made real when the toe of his boot bumped into a hard surface. It was a wall, and latched onto the wall was a ladder, lichenous to the touch. Erwin headed up first, the wooden rungs whining under his weight.
At the top of the ladder was a hatch door, heavy on its braces. Erwin pressed his ear to the flat of the door, and, upon hearing nothing, strained to lift it open. With the force of his back and shoulders, he pushed up on the cover, until whatever was weighing it down tipped and clattered onto its side.
Erwin poked his head out and scanned the premises. It looked to be a small bedroom, populated by a single cot and dozens of crates, crowding the floorspace. There was one window, but the view outside was blotted out by a wash of snow, strands of moonlight just barely slipping through. He could hear nothing but the thin whistling of the wind, thrashing some branches against the walls. It was a cabin, then, in some forested area. With a wash of relief, Erwin ascertained that they must have ended up in the woodlands near the coastline.
He crawled out of the hatch and squinted through the darkness, feeling blindly for any source of light, any switch or hanging pull chain.
“Levi,” he prompted, “your knife.”The other man unlatched the one at his hip—the clip-pointed tool he used to kill Stuttgart—and handed it over. Erwin reached farther and grabbed it by the blade, hard, until the skin of his palm sliced open.“Hey! What the-?” he objected. But Erwin only held up his palm, wires of orange-green electricity bumping off his skin, sparking out of his bleeding wound. It produced just enough light to locate an old lantern hiding in the far corner, tucked between crates of miscellaneous supplies.
Levi made a half-hearted sound of admiration. “You really are a Titan bastard. Who taught you to do that?”“One of the older Warriors, a long time ago. I was trained for over a decade, lieutenant.”
“Hmph. I’m not your lieutenant anymore, am I? With you as a fugitive and whatnot.” Levi appeared at his side, with what looked like a tin of oil. Erwin took it graciously, blowing dust off the lantern and pouring in the fuel.
“I suppose not. Unless you’d like to be, for whatever reason.”“You make it sound strange when you say it like that.”
Erwin smiled, just as the lamp came to life. Over the gauzy orange light, he saw Levi clearly for the first time in hours, or perhaps years. Even with his hair wiry and tousled, his cheeks speckled with flakes of browned blood, Levi was immaculate. It was a feat of restraint that Erwin had managed to keep his hands off of him for so long, when he was overwhelmed by his beauty with just a glance. Their eyes caught hold of each other, quiet, until Levi huffed and turned from view.“Cozy cabin,” he muttered to the floor.
“It seems remote enough that we might be able to stay here without suspicion for at least a week,” Erwin commented. The cabin was sparsely furnished, save for a low-rise bed and a stone hearth, but it was stocked with enough tools and amenities that Erwin couldn’t complain. The only other room sat behind a door that creaked open to reveal a tiled room, and in it, a wooden washtub.“Thank fucking god,” Levi said.Their first order of business, he declared, was to get clean. There was a sizable reserve of old wood and kindling in the cabin that they used to start the fireplace. Erwin was tasked with collecting as much clean snow as he could from outside, and leaving it to melt inside a hanging pot over the fire. He repeated the process until they filled the wash tub with boiling water, and the bathroom grew steamy.
“Couldn’t you transform a bit of Titan flesh and leave it in the water?” Levi asked, “Wouldn’t the vapour keep it warm?”“You know Levi, I have never considered that before.” Erwin admitted, though neither of them were serious enough to try it.Levi took the first go at the tub, closing the door behind him and leaving Erwin alone with the crates, the fire, and the silence. In his absence, Erwin managed to scour the cabin for a pen and paper, and sat before the hearth, staring down at the blank page. Outside, the forest was calm, racketed only by the occasional hoot of an owl and a sheer gust of wind, carrying billows of crystalline snow. Erwin peeled off his boots and palmed the ache from his soles, suddenly aware of the heaviness in his limbs. He was exhausted, but he needed to stay alert. They’d managed to get this far, but still, their lives hung in precarious balance.
The rest of it, he would have to figure out soon. Surely, Pixis had already heard about the development at Warriors HQ, and was either waiting for his word or inferring where he’d gone. But what of Pixis’ contacts in Nordheim?Without Erwin in the picture, their plan to capture Helos had been set back by months, or even years. Certainly, they could continue to execute the marks that he had supplied, and gouge out Marley’s centres of power, but the timeline was all off. Reality, hard as a wall of knuckles, crashed into him all at once.
As for the Warriors… The probability that any of them could be retired ahead of any further treasonous reveals seemed unlikely. But what did Erwin know? They had left Stuttgart in a gruesome state, and there was no telling how paranoid the command could become in the wake of a betrayal so obscene.
Erwin didn’t dwell idly on possibilities. He picked up his pen and, with a surge of decisiveness, began to write down the future.By the time he was finished, his neck was sore from the awkward angle on the floor, and his eyes had gone bleary. He resolved to find a book to slip the letter into, and sneak into a nearby town somehow. But with the snow so high, he’d leave tracks to and from the safe house—an unavoidable risk to form contingencies around. And what of the smoke from the chimney? They were safe at night, but they’d need to lay low during the day. Erwin squeezed at the twinge in his trapezius, rolling his head on his shoulders. Were there spare coats in the cabin? He would need a disguise. Perhaps he could grow his hair and his beard, just haggard enough to blend in-He felt a sharp tug at his collar, from behind.
Erwin craned around, and his heart catapulted into his throat.“Your turn,” Levi said.
The man was fully, unabashedly naked, and he loomed over Erwin, dripping wet. Pearls of water rolled from his hair down his toned chest and the pockmarked plain of his abs, catching on the fine scraggles of hair leading from his navel down to-Down to-Erwin tore his gaze away, scrambling to stand on his feet. His heart cudgeled against his sternum, so hard and fast it threatened to burst.
He slapped a hand over his eyes on instinct, blocking out the tops of his vision such that he could only see the shadows of Levi’s legs. “Levi, what are you..?” he started, staring pointedly at the floor.“Stop gawking,” Levi said, slipping past Erwin and towards the fireplace.
“I was trying to scrub the blood out of my shirt—didn’t work,” he explained. “The pants and the rest of it are fine though, they just need to dry. Give me your clothes, I’ll wash them too.”
Erwin didn’t say a word. He stood stock-still, barely breathing. After a beat of dumbfounded silence, Levi sighed. The vague shape of him bent over, and picked up the paper off the floor.
“This is your letter to Pixis? What’s the cipher?”“Yes.”“What?”“I mean- yes, it’s the letter. The cipher is my own. Well- it’s my father’s. And I’s. We made it together.”
Levi hummed, deep in his throat. Erwin peeked past his fingers, catching a sliver of flickering light, just enough to confirm that—yes, Levi was still naked, and he was moving closer.“I hope you aren’t this modest in the communal showers,” he said, low. Out from beneath Erwin’s pinky, Levi’s hands came into view, reaching for his shirt. “It’d be embarrassing.”“No- I… you just surprised me.”“You’ve seen me naked before.”
“We were children.” Erwin kept his hand resolutely over his eyes, as Levi’s fingers aimed higher, for Erwin’s throat, and undid the first button there.
“And now? Are we adults now?” Levi flicked open Erwin’s collar, his fingertips brushing the bare skin of his chest. One by one, button by button.
“Yes,” Erwin answered, his breath coming out in a rush.
“Good. So you know how to take off your own damn clothes.” Then, he retracted his hands and stepped away, leaving Erwin’s shirt hanging open. “Leave them in the wash basin next to the tub, I’ll handle it after I find something for us to wear around here. Hurry up and bathe, you stink.”
Erwin gulped and nodded, spinning around and marching to the bathroom. His ears were burning.
He did as he was told, peeling off the rest of his clothes and dropping them into the pan by the tub. The room was steaming hot and orange-tinted from the single oil lamp they’d found, sitting on a bench with a cut of lard soap. Erwin figured it was better than nothing, and got to work scrubbing the day’s journey from his skin. When he was clean enough, he descended into what was left of the tub water, and unwinded with a sigh.Relaxing came as a challenge to him, but even Erwin knew how to appreciate a hot bath. He tipped his head back and let the thoughts in his mind float from one compartment to another, unbidden. He thought about the birthmark on Levi’s waist, in the pale divot of his hips, and how it had been marred by a thin scar since the last time he saw it.
Levi was littered with scars, his body a collage of old wounds, all stacked on top of each other. Some of them were familiar—training accidents that Erwin stitched together himself, in the privacy of their dorm room. The rest of them, he had no idea of. He yearned to offer an apology to each one, to press his guilt and shame into the rough canvas of Levi’s skin with his open mouth.
So quickly did his imagination devolve, and so readily did his body respond in kind.
The truth was, Erwin had been attracted to Levi for so long that he could no longer even grow aroused without some phantom of him haunting the dim theatre of his mind. Normally, he would take the chance to touch himself, to squeeze out a quick release and get it over with, but Levi was in the next room, and he could hardly risk alienating him any more than he already had.
Haven’t you thought about fucking him?
He was a fool to answer Stuttgart’s question. He was a damned idiot with a death wish and a brainless tongue.Eventually, it would come up again, and he would have to be honest. Levi deserved that, at the very least. Because, even if-He took a breath, and submerged his head under the water, where it was quiet and dark and warm.
-even if Levi felt the same way, it didn’t mean that Erwin was at leisure to do with him as he pleased. He had a world of missteps to make up to him already, and couldn’t afford adding another one to the ledger. Not a single more, he resolved. He deserves better. With a bubbling exhale, Erwin lifted his head and rinsed the water from his face, smoothing back his hair. He reached for the bar of soap again, and was greeted by a familiar figure, standing at the edge of the room.
“Hey,” Levi said, closing the door behind him.This time, he was wearing underpants, carrying a folded stack of towels. His hair was still damp, dark streaks of it stuck to his forehead, and his chest and legs were bare. Erwin blinked and looked away.“Hello,” he said.“Found some towels for us.” Levi’s feet tapped on the tiled floor, coming closer.“Thank you.”
“Are you done yet?”
“Not yet. I just have to wash my hair.”“Let me do it.”“Pardon?”“Let me wash your hair for you.” Levi strolled up to him, dragging a stool to the lip of the tub and planting himself squarely behind Erwin. There he loomed, staring down at him from above, his expression unclear in the dusky orange light.“You don’t have to, I can do it myself.”“I know you can, but I want to do it for you.”At that, Erwin could only crack a nervous smile. “Okay,” he acquiesced, offering up the bar of soap.
“Tip your head forward,” Levi said quietly. Erwin complied, closing his eyes as Levi set to work lathering the soap between his palms and rubbing whorls of it into Erwin’s scalp. He hadn’t done this before, even when they were kids. It was achingly tender, Levi’s nails scratching into his skin and pulling at the hair on his temples.
“Your hairline is pretty good for such an old man,” Levi muttered.“Go easy on me, Levi,” Erwin said lightly. “Not everyone can age as gracefully as you.”“I meant it as a compliment.”“So did I.”
“...You can wash the soap out now.” So Erwin did, dipping his head back into the water and rinsing out the suds. When he was done, Levi was already waiting for him with a towel in hand. Wordlessly, he dried him off, ruffling the towel over Erwin’s head and wiping behind his ears. With one final tousle, he ran his fingers through the thick tangle of Erwin’s hair, and snorted.
“I changed my mind. You look like a kid like this,” he said, something sly playing on his lips.
“Is it for better or worse?”
Achingly slow, Levi leaned down to press his nose into the damp thatch of Erwin’s hairline. “Better,” he said, breathing in.
Ah, Erwin thought, with a plunging in his gut, I am the one being pulled.
“…Levi-““What did you mean when you said that Magath assigned you to me?”
Erwin felt his breath cut short. On instinct, he pulled away from the edge of the tub, but Levi’s arms circled around his shoulders and pressed down, gentle but firm. The message was clear: you will stay.
“That’s what you said, back in the tunnel, wasn’t it? I didn’t want to ask then, because it didn’t seem like the right time,” Levi continued. “So I’m asking now, not because I’m angry at you, but because I want-… I want there to be nothing left for you to hide from me, and nothing left for you to feel guilty over.”Erwin swallowed and wetted his lips. He took a steadying breath in and settled the roiling in his stomach, silencing the part of him that keened to run away.
“What do you want to know?” he asked evenly.“What did Magath tell you to do? Is that why we were roommates?”“In part, yes. When I was brought to live in the barracks, Instructor Magath tasked me with, essentially, becoming your friend. They recognized that you could not be controlled through force, and that you needed to bond with someone in order to integrate into the ranks.” He kept his tone as flat as he could, “So, I was given a mission.”“And you carried it out.”“I would like to think so, yes.”“So then why… I don’t understand—why did you stop, once you gained the Colossus? When we stopped talking and seeing each other, and you stopped using my name, was it because you ran out of use for me?”At that, Erwin spun around and met Levi face to face, water sloshing. “No! No, Levi, it wasn’t like that,” he insisted, shaking his head. “I never thought of you like that. I only listened to Magath because I- I couldn’t think for myself back then—I didn’t know what I wanted. My father was dead because of me and I couldn’t believe in anything, I had no right to refuse them. But with you, I… I really did want to be your friend. I liked that you fought back, that you never submitted to anyone, and that you trusted me to help you. I wanted to be close to you and- I believe I would have wanted it, even if Magath never put us in the same room.”“Then why?” Levi’s brows bunched together, “Why, for four years?”“Because I was afraid to become someone you resented.” He thought of Caroline and Lord Tybur, and all the memories he inherited when he gained the power to level cities. She was thrall to her own sense of duty, her pride crushed beneath its yoke. This was what he misunderstood in his youth—she was not afraid, she was simply trapped, the way a heart was trapped between two lungs.“At some point,” Erwin continued, “I stopped denying myself the truth—I hated Marley. I hated everything they did to us, to my father, to you and your mother. I was angry at their hypocrisy and their lies, and most of all, I was angry at myself for nearly forgetting who I was. I realised that I was in an advantageous position in the Warriors program, and I was ready to do anything to maintain the trust that I’d gained. After Mirkovol, there was no going back. I didn’t know how far I’d go, or if I’d eventually end up using you for my aims, as well.”
“And by using me, you mean not just as a soldier.”“Yes,” Erwin admitted, “I want to believe that it was the best thing for both of us. ”
“Even though you wanted to do it.”“…How could I not?” he asked, almost pleaded. Suddenly, he felt more naked than was possible, stripped down to muscle and sinew. “You’re wonderful, Levi. You’re extraordinary in every way, and you deserve a long and peaceful life, away from all this, away from me. I’m sick. The things I’ve done, only a rotten man could do. If I think about laying my hands on you, with everything they’ve done, I-…”
Without warning, Levi’s expression went dark, and he lunged for Erwin, grabbing his hands and pushing into his space. “These hands?” he shouted, fury in his grip. “The hands that stitched together the lashes on my back? The ones that wiped away my filthy fucking tears when I was just a mean runt? The same hands that took care of me, and Hanji, and Mike, and Nanaba, and all the others, without ever asking for thanks? You’re delusional!” He bent a knee over the edge of the tub, slipping into the water and crawling over Erwin’s lap.
“Levi- your clothes-”“Shut up!” he said, still fiery, “It’s because of you that I'm here today—I owe so much to you that I’m afraid I’ll never do enough to repay it all. You say you liked that I fought back? Well, I liked that you were patient with me, and that you were smart but you weren't a prick about it, and that you worked hard at everything you did. I don’t care that it was on Magath’s orders, I'm still grateful that I met you.”
Levi took Erwin’s hands, and pressed them onto his chest. “And I know,” he continued, “that none of this will bring back all the people you’ve killed—but I’ve dirtied my hands too, and the truth is, I’d do it all over again if it was even a little bit helpful to you. So stop-... just stop thinking about this thing between us like only you want it-” he dragged Erwin’s hands lower, down the swell of his pecs and the narrow cinch of his waist, “-because I do, too.”Erwin’s breath was gagged in his throat. In an instant, his underarms dampened, his face and gut bloomed with heat. Levi’s hold on him was unerring.
“What is it that you want, Levi?” he asked.Levi tugged one of Erwin’s hands down to his abdomen, pressing the palm of it to his lower stomach. “I want you to let go. Let go of your guilt and your shame, and put it in me. Put it all in me for one night, Erwin. I’ll carry it for you.”He gulped, blinking away the steam in his eyes. Erwin could feel the first strands of his own arousal begin to twist and tighten with Levi so close to him, dangerously near to where he stirred.“How?”Levi’s brows unknitted from each other, suddenly helpless, suddenly soft and wanting. “Touch me,” he whispered. “Please, Erwin.”It was a desperation he hadn’t seen on Levi in decades, a helplessness that struck him as impossibly vulnerable on the other man. Erwin’s jaw hung open, his fingers twitching over the warm, scarred expanse of Levi’s stomach. He was aching to feel him inside and out, to push all his admiration and yearning into the folds of his body, into every crevice where he opened. It garbled up his mind and scorched the ends of his reason—but still, he hesitated.
Then Levi leaned in, and pressed their lips together.Every part of Erwin sang like a harp string. Music overflowed from the buzzing of his bones, from the metronomic strikes of his heart and the churning orchestra of all his organs, trilling together as one. He was a choir on fire. He was being eaten alive by the smallest, sweetest kiss.And with that, Erwin closed his eyes, and let himself burn.
On pure instinct, he gripped the sides of Levi’s hips and rose on his haunches, flipping their positions.
“Ah!” Levi gasped, catching himself on the tub. A wave of water sloshed over the rim of the bath and onto the floor as Erwin barged between his legs, spreading his knees. It didn’t often occur to Erwin how much smaller Levi was—what with how large he loomed in his mind—but when it did, it thrilled him terribly.He dipped low and kissed him, chasing a newfound craving. They moved together as naturally as if they’d been doing so for years, like old lovers reuniting, like something ancient and inevitable. It was Levi who laved his tongue across Erwin’s lips first, tilting his head to deepen their angle as the low, desperate sounds between them grew indecent.
“Erwi- mh-!” He barely gave Levi a chance to speak, entirely occupied with the taste and texture of his mouth. Every swipe of tongue and hot puff of air felt like pure ecstacy, like rippling static between them.Levi arched into him, his hand snaking lower, lower, until he had Erwin’s half-hard dick in the tight grip of his fist. He jerked at it roughly, splashing water between their torsos.
“Mnngh!” Erwin groaned, loud and unabashed. He clutched the sides of the tub to avoid toppling over, dizzy from the blood rushing out of his head and into his groin. They broke apart with a string of spittle, breathing raggedly.
“Levi-”“Do you know how long I’ve wanted you?” Levi sighed, circling his thumb over the head of Erwin’s cock. He gasped and thrusted on impulse, chasing the pleasant sensation. “Do you remember when we moved dormitories into the building with separate rooms—do you?”Erwin could only nod and grunt, feeling himself stiffen completely in Levi’s teasing clutch.
“I was so fucking happy,” Levi said, his other hand coming up to Erwin’s chin, “every night for a whole month, I touched myself while thinking about you.” He yanked Erwin’s face in and stole a dirty kiss, all tongue and clacking teeth.
“Mmh-” Erwin pulled away, “and what did- what did you think about?”
Levi chuckled, his canines flashing. “I wasn’t all that imaginative. Mostly, it was you holding me down and fucking me hard.”Erwin was taken by a vision of Levi’s younger self—desperate and lonely and tangled in his sheets, one hand working furiously between his legs—and it tore the last of his restraint into tatters. He wrenched his dick out of Levi’s grasp and shoved it into the seam line of his underwear, where the slight give of the cloth told Erwin he was right on target.
Levi’s jaw fell open on a whine, his head lolling backwards. “Are you- hah, trying to fuck me through my damn underwear? Here, I can just-”“When you were imagining me, did I make you come?” Erwin asked, low and throaty. With a hand, he pressed the head of his cock more insistently into Levi, jabbing hard enough that he could feel a bit of it slip inside, enveloped in cotton.
“Ngh- mmh! Erwin, let me take it off-”“Did I make you come?” he asked again, pushing as far as he could go with the fabric straining around him.
Levi looked wrecked already. His face was a ruddy pink, and his normally furrowed brows were upturned with longing. Like a perennial bloom, Erwin was once again reminded of Levi’s easy allure, the erotic appeal of him doing nothing but breathing.He bit his lip and sucked in a breath, “Always.”
“Good. You did for me, too.”
Then he grabbed Levi by the waist and lifted him up, out of the water and onto the rim of the tub. He grunted in surprise and anchored onto Erwin’s shoulders, going easily with the manhandling. Erwin leaned in for a kiss, but Levi only pushed at his chest and slipped away, out of his grasp and onto the tiled floor.“Wait, ah-” he ordered, bending over and peeling off his soaked underwear. He wrung the water out, slinging it into the empty wash basin, then grabbed a handful of towels and flung them at Erwin’s face. “Dry off, then come outside. I’ll- I’ll get ready,” he said, darting out the bathroom door before Erwin could get much more than a glance at his bare ass.Still hard, Erwin stood for a moment in the tub, stunned. He could hardly believe what he had just done, and what he was going to do. Clarity passed through him for a startled second, and then he was towelling himself off in a frenzy, chasing after Levi.
When he stumbled out into the living room, Levi had ripped the thin bedding off the cot frame and laid it out in front of the fireplace, complete with a knitted shawl as a bedcover.“It’s still a little dusty, give me a second,” Levi said, patting down the mattress. When he was satisfied with his work, he straightened everything neatly and tossed a fresh log into the fireplace. “There, that should be good,” then he trailed over to Erwin, a rosy tint to his cheeks. He looked up expectedly, hands braced gently on Erwin’s chest. They were both naked in the cool air, wholly bared in the flickering firelight.“Levi…” He had nothing else to say, the thought began and ended with Levi’s name.“I thought it’d be nice by the fire—warmer at least. As long as you don’t mind the smell of it while we... you know,” he huffed, suddenly bashful.“I don’t mind,” Erwin said, as he leaned in and ensnared Levi in a kiss, pressing the lines of their bodies together from head to heel, skin on warm skin on warm skin.
They kissed slowly, deeply, savouring one another, until Erwin pulled away and dropped to his knees. He stared up at Levi as if in prayer, reverence beating in his chest, and pressed a kiss to his belly, above a zip of dark hair. There was holiness in this; there was a quiet kind of religion in the heat of Levi’s skin, in the rough catch of his scars on Erwin’s stubble. He could feel it in the cradle of his palm, in the thumb stroking tenderly along his cheek. He could feel it when he looked up and found Levi watching him with an eerie stillness, like an apex predator.The words bled out of him before he could think to stem the flow. “I’m yours,” he said, head spinning. “Not Marley’s—not Magath’s or Stuttgart’s, I belong to you, Levi.”A twinkle flitted in Levi’s eye, bright and fleeting. “I know,” he said. It was plain and clipped short, but it felt like mercy. “I know,” he said again, as Erwin kissed his naval, then dipped lower into the wild thatch of hair at his crotch and inhaled deeply. The slight musk of him, faint past the fresh scent of soap, hit like a headrush. Erwin burrowed closer, shameless.
“Hah…” Levi sighed, his fingers winding into Erwin’s hair. Spurred on, he poked his tongue out experimentally, running it wet and thick over Levi’s soft slit. “Oh,” he said, “Oh, no, if you keep doing that here, I swear I’ll fall over. Come on, get up-”Then they were tumbling towards the bedding by the hearth, where Levi reclined on his back and parted his legs, pale skin glowing in the light of the fire.
Erwin was hapless to resist, entirely bewitched by the sight. He crawled on all fours into the space Levi had made for him, seizing him by the hips and dragging him into his lap. Naked and spread out, Levi was stunning. His rugged, pockmarked body inspired the kind of awe that Erwin normally reserved for natural wonders—the ones that made him feel small and flesh-bound.“You’re the loveliest thing I’ve ever seen,” he whispered, meaning every word.Levi’s face warmed. “You’re not so bad yourself, blondie.” Then he took Erwin’s hand and brought it between his thighs. “Here,” he beckoned, “touch me here. I want you to feel me inside.” His voice had dipped into a lascivious roll, rumbly and a little needy on the edges. Erwin complied without another word.He ran two of his fingers down the length of Levi’s crack until they met the tight furl of his asshole, then dragged them up again to the throbbing growth at the juncture of his lips. It was unlike anyone that Erwin had ever slept with before—but then again, so was Levi. Nonetheless, he was confident that he knew his way around, vindicated when he swirled his thumb over the head of the growth and was awarded with a twitch of Levi’s legs.“Does that feel good?” he asked, circling insistently around the hard nub of it.“Of course it feels fucking good- ah!” He broke off on a gasp as Erwin began to tease the velvety rim of his opening, glistening with bathwater and his own slickness. Erwin slipped one finger inside, sliding it past the rough texture of his entrance and into where he was smooth and searing hot. Studying Levi’s expression, he thrusted in once, then added another finger, scissoring them apart.“Erwin!” Levi yelped, the thick muscles of his thighs locking around Erwin’s waist. “More… you can stretch me out, I can take it.”
Erwin had his doubts, what with how tight Levi was with only two of his fingers inside, enveloped within an otherworldly heat and texture. It was difficult to comprehend that Levi was real at all, let alone allowing Erwin to touch him like this. He pushed farther, twisting and hooking his fingers upwards, into the front of Levi’s stomach. Like a finely tuned instrument, Levi let out a high note, sweet and clear.
Erwin ducked low to kiss him while his fingers kept on pumping, muffling the sounds falling from his mouth. He moved his other hand back towards Levi’s dick, pink and engorged, and began tugging on it in a slow rhythm.“Oh, fuck-” Levi cursed, clenching down.“I love your voice,” Erwin whispered against his lips, “I love the way you smell, and I love how you feel inside, it’s so tight and hot-”“Shut up, pervert blondie,” Levi gritted out, red in the face, “you sound like a fucking virgin.”“You make me feel like a virgin,” Erwin said. He pushed another finger inside, feeling Levi’s walls contract and strain against the intrusion. Then he drove all three in knuckle-deep, the muscles in his forearm flexing.“Aah! Mmgh- Erwin!” Levi whined, arching his lower back.
“You make me feel born anew, Levi. You make me afraid, like I don’t know what I’m doing, like I’m going to lose myself too quickly,” his voice grated, rough in his throat.“Yeah? Is that right? I don’t mind- mh,” Levi’s legs opened wider, and the grip of his rim loosened. “Go ahead and lose yourself, Erwin—fuck me like a dumb virgin getting his dick wet for the first time. It’s okay if you come too quickly, I’ll just make you come again, how’s that sound?”“Can I?”“Hm?”“Can I fuck you?” he asked, guttural. “Can I put it in?”Levi practically gushed in response. “Yes,” he sighed, “yes, yes, yes. Fuck me, Erwin, please- hah,” then he lifted his knees, bending them back with his hands. “Fuck me hard, do it rough and stupid- ”With a deep, pleased sound, Erwin moved to kiss the corner of Levi’s mouth, then his jaw, down to the lithe column of his neck, sucking and nipping in time with the plunging of his fingers. Lust-mad, he pressed the flat of his tongue over the centre of Levi’s chest and dragged it all the way up to his throat, more beast than man.“Ah- mmh,” Levi rumbled, squeezing around Erwin’s fingers.He thrusted once, twice more, then he pulled his hand out and smeared Levi’s wetness over the length of his own dick, swinging heavily between his legs. He jacked it a few times in his fist, feeling it swell and throb with painful urgency. Then, he brought the sensitive head of his cock up to the plush parting of Levi’s slit, butter-soft, gliding it up and down playfully.Levi squirmed, his expression distraught. “Ngh, hahh, you- bastard!” He blushed from the peaks of his ears to the tip of his nose, red as a berry and just as sweet. Erwin could have teased him forever if it meant seeing him fidget in eager desperation. He pushed in a little, just enough to get a taste, just a lick of heat and pressure, then went back to smearing precum along the rim of Levi’s opening.
Like a whistling kettle, Levi made a high noise of frustration. “C’mon Erwin, fuck me!” he exclaimed, flushed and panting. He wrapped his legs around Erwin’s hips, hooking his ankles around his back. “Do it already, put it inside, please-” he was tugging him closer, nudging the head of Erwin’s cock back towards his hole, “I want you- mh, I want your-”
He cut himself off with a gasp as Erwin slipped the head inside, sliding in slowly, inch by molten inch.Erwin’s body shook with the force of his own restraint. He wanted to shove his cock in deep, he wanted to ram it all straight home, but he was big—too big, judging by the sharp hitch in Levi’s breathing and the tiny, involuntary contractions of his walls.“Levi, are you al-” but before he could finish, Levi planted his feet onto the mattress and shoved him flat onto his back, knocking the air from his lungs.
“Don’t you dare!” he growled, straddling Erwin’s lap and trapping him in place with the strength of his thighs. Then, before Erwin could even register what had happened, Levi rose on his knees and sank down on Erwin’s cock, taking him right to the hilt.
Oh, god.
Erwin threw his head back and moaned, pure exhilaration shooting up his spine. In an instant, he was swimming in warm, wet heat, his head humming and his gut swooping with pleasure.“Nnggh- hah, Levi- ah, Levi, Levi,” he babbled, planting his hands on Levi’s hips. There was a delicious pressure on the base of his cock, where the tight ring of Levi’s hole clamped down on him mercilessly. Finally, after decades of dreaming, he was inside of Levi—throbbing and sliding against his organs, bumping against the base of his womb.“Agh- hhah!” he exhaled harshly, eyes squeezing shut. It was almost too much to experience at once, his entire lower half pulsating with sensation. When he cracked his eyes open again, he found Levi in a similar state, his spine arched like a bow and his head tipped back in silent rapture. He looked exultant, eyes closed, mouth hanging open—he looked like proof of the divine.“Erwin,” he whispered, voice high and airy, “Stay here with me, please. Don’t ever leave me again.”
“…Where else would I go?”Levi seemed to regain some sense, opening his eyes and peering down at Erwin. “Back—inside your own head, where I can’t reach you,” he said. His hands came up to Erwin’s pecs and squeezed, using them as handles as he grinded on his lap, rising and falling in a shallow tempo.“I’m not- I’m not going anywhere. I won’t leave you, Levi,” Erwin said, gently thrusting up to meet him, feeling Levi’s muscles ripple and release around his shaft. Something was tumbling and turning in Erwin’s chest, unfurling its wings, taking flight. All of his scheming and his wicked ruthlessness, every obscene fantasy he indulged in, all the innocent lives he’d stolen, all his cruelty and shame and guilt and hatred-“I love you,” Erwin confessed, his every atom set ablaze. It should have been the most obvious thing in the world, but finally saying it felt like disembowelment. It was too much and not enough all at once; it was his intestines, strewn on the floor in oblation.Levi’s expression twisted, his brows lifting in shock. Then, after a beat, he bent over and cradled Erwin’s face, kissing his eyelids. Feather-soft, he dabbed away the tears pooling at the corners of his eyes, catching them before they could fall. “Don’t cry, Erwin,” he whispered.
“But it hurts.”“I know. That’s why you told me, right? I love you too, Erwin, I love you.”It was enough for Erwin—enough to justify every single second that preceded it, forever crystallized in time. They kissed, open-mouthed and tender, as Erwin winded his arms around Levi’s waist and held him in place.They fucked like that, in deep, gliding strokes, holding close to each other as the fireplace crackled beside them. Erwin swallowed his tears and focused on the sparks of euphoria coursing under his skin, howling down every vein and artery, gathered at each point where they touched.“Just like that- yes, just like that,” Levi rattled on, draped and boneless over Erwin’s torso. “You’re so big, oh- I feel so full, shit.”At Levi’s goading, Erwin deepened his thrusts, putting every ounce of himself into the motion. His balls bounced up against Levi’s entrance, slapping and grinding onto his ass as he pulled out to the tip and sunk in as far as he could go. Fucking Levi was pure bliss—it was one little agony after another, it was the out-of-mind pleasure of being skinned raw.“Ah, ah- mmh! Erwin, I-” Levi’s legs were starting to shake, the muscles in his stomach twitching. “Harder! Mmh, harder, harder, you feel so good-”
Erwin held onto Levi, vice-tight, ensuring that he couldn’t escape, that he could only lay there and take Erwin’s cock. Levi was stretching and molding around his girth, he could feel it in the way that each thrust met with less resistance, growing softer and more pliant. Steadfast, he continued spearing into him, mapping out the ridged, writhing texture of his insides.
Levi whined, his hips gyrating hungrily. “That’s it, that’s it- oh, mh!” Hard as a battering ram, Erwin slammed into Levi, jolting his entire weight upwards. “Fuck!” he cried, dissolving into a sequence of falsetto moans. “It feels good, it feels so good, oh, fuck- I’m- I-”“Come for me, I want to feel it,” Erwin beckoned, shifting his angle to strike even deeper inside. Levi’s dick kneaded against his crotch with each rock of their bodies. Feeling him nearing his end, Erwin slid one hand between them to rub at it frantically, feeling telltale spasms rack his core. It was all he could do to stave off his own orgasm, careening dangerously closer with each thrust.“Is that good?” he asked, knowing fully well the answer.“Yes! Yes, oh- mmnh, only you, only you!”“What was that?”“Only you, Erwin, I’ve only ever wanted you, all this time-”
With a sudden inhale, Levi seized, his muscles going rigid as whole body locked in place. Then he moaned out a long, broken note, his thighs jerking together, his walls squeezing rhythmically, glove-tight around Erwin’s cock.
Heaven, Erwin thought dimly, I must have cheated my way into heaven. Without a second thought, he flipped their positions, taking Levi’s wrists in his hands and pinning him to the bed. In the throes of orgasm, he was gorgeous—dark hair tousled, eyes shining, expression helpless. Fucking immaculate. Just as he began to catch his breath, Erwin slotted himself right back inside, savouring the way Levi shook and shuddered as he entered.Levi was screaming then, unintelligible, wetter than a thousand seas and tighter than a keyhole. Erwin laced their hands together and fucked him through his orgasm, frenzied, wild and unrestrained, bereft of thought or reason. He heard himself snarling, felt spittle cling to his lips, but he couldn’t stop moving, snapping so brutally into Levi that his knees burned where they chafed on the mattress and the skin of his cock grew raw and hyper-sensitized.
Harder, he heard Levi sob through a watery veil, in another dimension entirely. Don’t stop, don’t stop—harder! All the pieces of his parts gathered in and coalesced for one bright, blinding moment, then-They departed from their stations.
✶
Erwin couldn’t remember when he finally came.It crashed into him so violently that the impact knocked loose any recollection of the event, save for the uncanny sensation of total disintegration, and then, through it all—teeth in his arm.
He came to naked and flat on his back, covered in sweat, steam rising from a bite mark on his forearm. The tip of his cock was sore. A washcloth was being wrung out, somewhere nearby. The fireplace had dwindled, though the darkness outside had not. He turned towards the sound of trickling water and found Levi in the bathroom, cleaning between his legs, one foot propped on the bench.
Even hazy and half-present, the simple sight of him made Erwin ache.He watched Levi flush out thick strands of—what he presumed to be—his come, before he sat up gingerly and noticed it smeared all over himself, too, streaked along the dip of his pelvis. He mustered up enough decency to grimace.“That bite’s not mine, just so you know,” came Levi’s voice, hoarse in his throat. Erwin caught his eye as he stepped back into the living room, carrying a bucket of water and some towels, still entirely naked. He dropped the bucket by Erwin’s bedside and sank to his knees, holding out a hand.
Erwin’s mind struggled through molasses, unable to decipher Levi’s gesture. “Your arm,” he clarified, nodding towards it.
“Oh. Thank you,” Erwin said, offering it up for cleaning. He cleared his throat, “What happened to it?”“While you practically pissed inside of me, you bit down on your own arm like an animal.”“I- pissed? What?”“I meant you came a lot. Twice, actually, within a few minutes.”
Dread ran cold fingers down his spine.“Levi, I’m so sorry-”“It’s okay. I didn’t mind. I told you already, the chances of it taking are low. Besides—I’d faster die of embarrassment than get knocked up after one night.”“I thought you said that you never really know.”“No, I don’t,” Levi said, staring pointedly at him. “And maybe we’ll discover that this was a mistake in a few weeks time, but right now, at this moment, it’s true—I don’t know. All I know is that you fuck like a madman, and that I had a good time.”
Warmth crept up Erwin’s cheeks, and he ducked his head in deference. “I’ll be more careful next time,” he said, in lieu of fretting some more.“Did you have a good time?” Levi asked, pulling the washcloth away and into the bucket.“I think I almost died, Levi.”
His lieutenant snorted, smile curving like a fishhook. They met each other’s eyes
and broke into helpless laughter, as if they were boys again, stealing treats from underneath the table and sneaking out after curfew.
“Oh, come on, blondie, you’re not that old,” Levi said, swiping at his cheek.Erwin caught his hand and kissed the tips of Levi’s fingers. He couldn’t help himself anymore—he was light all over, disassembled and remade in Levi’s image, in his affection. Somewhere deep inside him, a beatific tune trilled on.
Levi drew a little breath and relaxed his wrist, letting Erwin kiss his knuckles like a knight in waiting.
After a moment of tolerance, he huffed another laugh, and drew Erwin in for a hug. They embraced, pressing tight as the fire died next to them and the world outside continued on its hectic axis.
Surely, their plans were in ruin. Pixis was probably scrambling to reach out to his contacts, while Mike and Hanji were struggling through the chaos they left in their wake. Liberio had likely been raided upside-down, bloodhounds and armed police pouring through its streets. Erwin only sighed, and held his lieutenant closer.“Sometime ago, I met a guy who reminded me a lot of you,” Levi said, low against his ear. “It was an encounter that didn’t make any sense at all, so much so that I wondered if I just made it all up in my head. But, he told me something interesting that I still think about today.”“And what was that?”“‘There are countless ways to reach the same outcome.’ Many roads to the king’s castle, and all that. I didn’t get it at first. I thought it meant that if something was inevitable, it would just end up happening, one way or another. But I was mistaken—the truth is, you choose what’s inevitable, and strive towards it, believing that there’s no other option.” Levi pulled back, and stared at Erwin. His eyes were the most lovely grey.“I chose you,” he continued, “and I’d choose you in every lifetime.”
The music, like dulcet honey, crooned on. “Thank you, Levi,” Erwin said. “I don’t have many blessings to boast of, but I count you among them, always.”
“Tch, modesty doesn’t suit you. A cock that fat is more blessing than most men ever get,” then he stood up, and threw the damp washcloth onto Erwin’s bare torso. “Clean yourself, and then get the fire up again, I'm getting cold. Also, I found some ancient jerky in one of the crates. Looks and tastes like leather but it should be enough for us not to starve overnight. You hungry?”Erwin smiled. “Yes, please. I’m starving.”
✶
He stirred again to the ticking of a clock, mounted over the fireplace.
It was quarter to six in the morning, dawn breaking through the lattice of branches outside their window. The fire had smouldered into soot, and their clothes from yesterday hung on a wire above the trailing smoke. They’d have to take them down soon, before the smell of ash steeped into their clean sheets and garments.Erwin blinked awake under a thick toss of blankets, half-clothed. There was much to do while the day was still young and tender, much to scout and map and devise for their next move. He needed to start the fire again. He needed to gather more snow for them to drink. He needed to kill something for them to eat. There was an endless lineup of things to do, and yet-He stayed exactly where he was. Beside him, Levi was fast asleep, breathing softly out of parted lips. Even unconscious, there was the slightest crinkle between his brows. His hair stuck up in places and sat matted in others, loose strands draping handsomely over his forehead.
The clock’s short hand inched ever closer to the nearing hour. The future was hurdling inescapably towards them both.Erwin laid back and pressed his cheek to Levi’s chest, over the drum of his heart.
He shut his eyes, content to wait.