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It wasn’t how she thought it would end. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. Abby Lockhart, prone as she was to catastrophizing, had imagined every possible way that every scenario in her life could end. Try as she might to escape her childhood trauma and her self-protective negativity, she was who she was. And people didn’t change, not really.She grimaced slightly, as she did every time she thought this, remembering saying something very similar to Carter in that moment when she had been so certain he was going to propose. It was weird, stupid really, that she still found stupid little moments like that so cringeworthy. She thought about him rarely, they hadn’t spoken in about a decade, but if there was one Abby was good at, it was remembering every mortifying moment of her life.Nothing lasted forever. Abby knew that better than anyway. In so many ways, she’d always been in constant motion. There was never time to settle in and relax, feel safe, trust that everything – herself included – would be okay. Her mother, her drinking, her love life, her career, her brother, her son…so many other things…she was used to chaos. And darkness. Or…she had been. Life in Boston was…weird for Abby, to say the least. Calmer. Disconnected. Which…of course, was what she’d wanted. What Luka had wanted. What was best for Joe. It wasn’t that she was ungrateful, that she was complaining – of course not. It was just…a way of living that she hadn’t experienced in quite a long time. The closest she’d ever come to this easy life before had been during her time at Penn State. At least, the time she’d had there before Maggie’s antics had made everything…a mess. Abby knew that she was too old to still place this much of the blame for her mistakes on her mother, but it was easier that way. She was still, at her big age, afraid that if she pulled an appropriate amount of blame onto herself for her misdeeds that she would fall into the bottom of a bottle again and never come back out. Luka would tell her that she was being ridiculous. If he were here. Or at least reachable. But he wasn’t. And that was just the problem, wasn’t it? And how was she supposed to believe it wasn’t over when he was always gone?-Abby sighed heavily, rubbing her temples with her fingertips as she waited for the coffee to brew. She glanced over at the kitchen table, where her fourteen-year-old son was staring intently at some video on his phone while shoveling an obscene amount of sugar cereal into his mouth. You signed up for this, she silently chastised herself. You knew he wouldn’t stay tiny forever.Abby cleared her throat and rolled her eyes when Joe continued to ignore her. She poured her coffee and plopped down into the chair directly across from him at the weathered wooden table. “Hey,” she said, reaching out to squeeze her son’s forearm. Joe pulled his arm away as though he’d been burned. “God, mom, stop!” he exclaimed, without even bothering to look up from the tiny screen. Abby set her jaw, willing herself not to cry. She didn’t want her son to think of her as this weak, tearful, constantly broken person. She didn’t want anyone to think of her that way. “Joe,” she warned. Joe rolled his eyes and put his phone down. “What?” he demanded, as though conversing with his mother was an insult to his intelligence. Abby took a moment to regroup, deciding she was, in fact, not ready to tell him what she needed to say. “Finish your homework?” she said, not quite meeting his eye as she took a long sip from her mug.Joe rolled his eyes again, nodding. He took a long swig from a can of coke, causing his mother to scrunch her nose in disgust. He raised his eyebrows, as though daring her to tell him off about his sugar consumption, but Abby simply did not have the fight in her just now. It was a stupid battle, anyway.“Is he going to come back?” Joe asked, feigning nonchalance. Abby, caught off guard, took a moment to really look at her son. She could see the telltale tension in his neck and shoulders, the way that he wouldn’t look her in the eye as he waited for her response. Joe was so physically large – already nearly six feet tall – that it was easy for her to forget sometimes that he was still so young, so unscathed. She almost regretted having given him such a peaceful, sheltered childhood. Almost.But…she felt such guilt over all the trauma in his babyhood, even though she knew he couldn’t actually remember any of it, that she just couldn’t help herself. Well, that and she’d never wanted him to have to go through what she had. Who would want a smoking, alcoholic elementary school student on their hands?Abby cleared her throat and shifted uncomfortably in her chair. She took a long sip of coffee, desperate to put off this conversation for as long as possible. Because the truth was…she had no idea. She’d never had any idea. Although their marriage had improved substantially when they moved to Boston all those years ago, Luka’s tendency to visit Croatia and then…just…stay for months on end had never stopped. There was always someone who was sick, someone who needed help, some very compelling reason why he couldn’t come back just yet, but if she would just wait…just wait…Maybe that was just what life was. Maybe, she thought, it wasn’t all that unique that her life was always on hold. Maybe it was like this for everyone, in some way or another. Maybe all of her experiences with Maggie had just been training her to…be try to be patient. To…know how to carry on on her own. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and exhaled. “Mom? Hello?” Joe prodded, talking through a mouthful of braces and colorful cereal bits. Abby forced a small smile, trying to shake her trademark negativity off. “Sorry honey. Must not be quite awake yet,” she said with an awkward chuckle. “I uh…you know, I don’t know when your father will be back. Maybe you can try calling him later and ask him yourself?” She said gently. “Is he mad at you again or something?” Joe asked, narrowing his big blue eyes at her in such an accusatory fashion that it made her skin crawl. “I…don’t think he’s mad at me but…wha - again? What do you mean again?”Joe shrugged. “Uncle Niko was saying…uh…nothing. Never mind.” Abby’s brow furrowed and she felt bile rising up in her throat. She’d thought she was on good terms with Luka’s family. It hadn’t always been easy, with the language barrier and…well, the mistakes she’d made early on in her marriage to Luka.“Joe, tell me what he said,” Abby demanded, her voice deepening, growing eerily calm. Joe swallowed hard. He’d wanted to hurt his mother a little, maybe, but seeing the stunned, wounded expression on her face, he instantly wished he could take it back. “Um…”“You’re not in trouble, baby, I just…can you please just tell me what he said?”“I…well…you…um. He was saying he didn’t understand why dad took you back,” Joe mumbled, staring at a dent in the table, running a finger over it anxiously. Abby blinked, taken aback. “Recently, he said this?” Joe nodded. “Yeah, at the beach, that day when you didn’t come because you were sick from that dinner Antonija made,” he said matter-of-factly. Abby nodded, feeling nauseated. Not even angry, just resigned. Luka just wasn’t going to come home this time. Probably. It was easier to assume that than to hope for something different. At least she couldn’t be blindsided this way. “So is he?” “Huh?” “Is he mad at you again?” “Joe…can I ask..did you understand what he meant when he said that?”“What do you mean?” “Do you ever remember your father and I not being together? That he would’ve had to ‘take me back’?” She asked. “Uh…” Joe blushed, shrinking into his chair. “I mean, I don’t…remember it but…like…people talk about it.” “People?”“Uh…yeah…I mean like…cousins and stuff. Family.”Abby sighed heavily. “Oh,” was all she could manage to say. Joe had seen his mother in pain before, of course he had, but something in the way she just sat, deflated and glassy-eyed, perfectly still, was something he’d never experienced before. He wanted to fix it – or barring that, disappear from the room entirely – but he didn’t know how. “It’s not like they don’t like you…I just…think that you’re…really different than what they’re used to,” he offered, rambling. Abby nodded distantly. “Yeah, I know. It’s okay honey. Um. Come on, you’re going to be late for school.” The mechanical way that Abby moved, the utter silence of the drive to school was unnerving. “Mom?” Joe said gently when Abby stopped the car in front of the school. “Yeah honey?” Abby said, her eyes fixed on the steering wheel – unusual, because she was often effusive – largely for the sake of embarrassing her boy. “Mom, are you okay? You’re kind of scaring me,” Joe’s voice quavered in a vulnerable way that broke Abby’s heart wide open. “Um…yeah, honey. Of course. I’m fine.” Joe stared at his mother for a long moment, not quite believing her, but not really knowing what to do about it.
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“Honey, what’s wrong?” Maggie asked, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose as she held her iPad at the slightly wrong angle for FaceTiming. Joe rolled his eyes but let it go.“I think something’s not right with Mom,” he confessed.“Not right how, honey?”“I dunno. She just like…it was like almost like she was a robot and she just like..turned off.”“Ah,” Maggie replied knowingly.“What do I do?” Joe asked, sounding far smaller than he looked.“Oh, Joe. She’s the parent. Why don’t you let her do the worrying, okay?”“I…guess. But Gramma, I really think something’s wrong.”“Have you talked to your dad about this?”“Uh…well, no. He’s not here…”“Well, sweetie, I appreciate that you called me first, but I really think…that your parents prefer to work through their own things together.”“Are they getting a divorce?” Joe asked suddenly, his voice cracking.Maggie cocked her head to the side, brow furrowing. She set down her knitting.“Where would you get an idea like that?”“I dunno. Dad never comes home anymore. They don’t really talk that much and when they do it’s just Mom begging him to come home or them fighting. I know they don’t think I hear them but like. Even today, I was asking Mom if he was coming back and she said I should ask him. Like. I don’t know, I’m just a kid still, but that doesn’t seem exactly good, does it?”“Not exactly, no. I’ll see about talking to your mom. But Joe?”“Yeah?”“Go to class. If your parents find out you were talking to me in the middle of the school day…”“Okay, okay. Love you.”“I love you, too.”-“Mom? What the hell are you doing here?” Abby asked, pushing her hair out of her face as she entered the kitchen juggling grocery bags. Maggie looked up from her cup of tea and moved to help her daughter.Abby sighed and pressed the heel of her hand into her forehead, shaking off her bad mood.“Sorry, that came out wrong. Of course it’s great to see you. But we didn’t have anything planned, did we?” Abby asked, glancing at the calendar on the refrigerator.“No, no, honey. We didn’t. I just…had a little bit of free time. You know, the store isn’t all that busy in the spring, so I just thought maybe I’d check in on how you guys are getting by with Luka out of town and all.”Abby raised her eyebrows.“Oh…right…uh…well, thank you. I’m sure Joe will be glad to see you.” “How is Luka these days? How long has he been in Croatia?” Maggie asked, feigning casual conversation.“Mom,” Abby warned between shoving cereal boxes on top of the fridge.“What?” Maggie asked, trying to look innocent.“What are you insinuating?”“Oh, Abby, you’re a smart girl. And you have this nasty habit of leaving me out of the loop when things are bad. So what is going on, honey?”Abby narrowed her eyes at her mother.“It still really weirds me out that you’re so…”“Normal?”“Yeah,” Abby said, blushing. “I’m sorry, I know it’s been so many years and it’s not fair –““Abby, Abby, Abby – stop it. This isn’t about your issues with me. And I’m not offended. Stop deflecting.”Abby groaned and just continued to put things away.“Abby.”“What?” Abby asked, with more hostility than was warranted. Maggie rolled her eyes, knowing better than to take it personally.“I don’t care what the answer is. It doesn’t matter either way. But your son needs to know what the hell is going on here.”Abby simply blinked at her mother in disbelief.“Oh, Abby, I’m not judging your style of parenting. I’m just saying that he…I know you don’t want him to worry about you in any of the ways that you worried over me. And I know a lot of that is because of me being bipolar, but it seems to me your point was that you wanted him to have the childhood that you never did.”“Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean he’s worried? What are you talking about?” Abby asked, squeezing her eyes shut and rubbing the orbit of her right eye.Maggie stopped, caught.“We…talked.”“You…talked to my son? When?”“Am I not allowed to speak to my only grandchild?” Maggie asked.“No, no, that’s not – I’m just surprised. He’s a teenage boy, he never wants to do anything, so it just seems a little weird that – you know what, never mind.”“Honey, it doesn’t really matter. The point is that your son is convinced that you’re not okay, and frankly, I’m not sure he’s wrong to think that.”“I don’t know, mom, okay? I don’t know what’s going on with…with my marriage. But I just. I don’t know, I’ve been convinced my marriage was over before, and…it hasn’t been yet. So. Who knows?”“You may be fine with ‘who knows?’, and I may happen to think that’s totally fine, but regardless of whatever it is, just. He needs stability. I know you know how weird it is for anyone to look to me for that.”Abby nodded after considering this for a long moment.“It’s just…” Abby started, then stopped, suddenly embarrassed by how upset she’d been over Niko’s words.“Yes?” Maggie said, raising her eyebrows expectantly.“He said that Luka’s brother…doesn’t…that he thought Luka should’ve never taken me back,” Abby confessed, dissolving into tears.Maggie held her daughter as she sobbed and stroked her hair, uncertain what else to do or say.