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There was a new face today. Not really all that new. He’d seen her face for a few days now, coming and going on and off for the better part of two weeks. But today it was noticeable. She wasn’t hunched over in the back anymore, shaking and holding back tears, dressed in sweats with unwashed hair. Well-put together now. A brunette, slender, pretty, with the type of smile that could light up a room and trap anybody’s heart in her palm.Ben immediately hated her, unable to look away from her braided hair and glittering diamond earrings.“Would you like to share today, Ben?” The chair asked, ripping his attention away from the new girl. She was a small wispy blonde haired woman who resembled a mop with her skeletal thin body and damaged hair. She smiled tightly at him, fake and condescending almost, like they all did.“Not today,” he said with a shake of his head that dislodged some ash from the cigarette dangling between his lips. It fell to his lap, on his faded black jeans that had smudges of paint and small holes around the inseams and knees.“Whenever you’re ready, we’ll be here,” her voice might have been dripping with sarcasm, he wasn’t too sure. His mother always said he imagined things to be much worse than they actually were and that people didn’t immediately hate him. He was inclined to not believe her, especially at the daily evening meetings he attended.Twice a day Ben went to group. Once at noon, when all these old assholes dragged themselves away from either retirement or their shitty day jobs, and again in the evening after everyone had eaten their supper and nagged their spouses. Or, like Ben, once they’d dragged themselves to their empty homes and heated up their microwave dinners. The latter was more likely, considering he’d had to hear everyone’s story at least twice a week. He might not know their names, but he knew their stories. And each one was just as depressing as the next.“What about you, sweetie?” The mop-like woman tilted her head and smiled weakly at the new girl. “You don’t have to if you’re not ready. We don’t force anyone to talk. Ben’s been here for a few months and we still haven’t forced him to talk.”Ben fought the impulse to chuck his Book at the chairperson from across the room. Instead, he glued his eyes to the girl sitting at the table next to the one he was lounging at. She looked terrified, honestly. Her eyes darted around the room, taking in all the polite smiles from the old men and women that filled the old restaurant they used to host these meetings. Ben couldn’t help but wonder what she thought of them and if she was just as cynical about the meetings as he was. Or about everything. No, she looked too damn happy. Too damn sociable.“I wouldn’t know what to say.” She spoke finally, with a voice that sounded like wind chimes—sweet and breezy and melodic. He huffed loudly, drawing the attention of a few of the men next to him. They looked at him like he was a rude asshole and they were right.“Would you like to tell us why you’re here?”Yes, Ben thought, tell us all what could have possibly brought such a perfect and innocent looking girl to this shithole. What could have possibly gone wrong in someone’s life that they sought this cramped room that smelled like burned coffee and stale cigarettes? His eyes raked over her. A white off the shoulder top that exposed the prettiest golden skin he’d ever seen, acid wash blue jeans and simple white sneakers. A large red purse was sitting on the chair next to her, big enough to hold all the world’s secrets and probably a few snacks. Her face was done up with makeup, highlighting pretty cheekbones and soft looking lips, big eyes and bright teeth. She fiddled with her hands and a large diamond ring caught the light, nearly blinding him with the shine. Ah, married. Not happily enough if she had landed here.“Well, let’s see. Hello, my name is Rey and I’m an alcoholic...”The words were out of his mouth before he could stop himself. Along with everyone else, he said, “Hi, Rey.”Rey’s heart was still pounding in her chest by the time the sharing part had ended. It felt strange, baring herself in front of all these strangers like that. She felt like she’d been flayed alive, the most shameful parts of her life exposed and on display for all of them to see. And yet there was a certain lightness in her chest that only intensified more and more as she drew to a close with her story. A sense of relief had washed over her when she heard a few sniffles. Someone patted her on the back, and then there was the chorus of “Thank you, Rey.”It felt good. Scary but good.The meeting finally drew to a close, with everyone standing in a circle in the middle of the room where it was empty and clutching hands. She stayed silent as they said a prayer. Her eyes scanned the room as their heads were bowed until she caught sight of him, the imposing, stony, and silent figure that attended every meeting.Ben. A specter in black with pale skin and red-rimmed eyes among a crowd of bright colors. A ghost with a surly streak and an unlit cigarette between lips that were plush and pink, starkly contrasting against his skin. He looked so angry but didn’t avert his gaze when she caught him staring. Never one to back down, she held his prickly gaze until she won, and he turned his head downwards to the ground like he was suddenly immersed in prayer with the rest of the group.Nights were the hardest to get through without a drink. When she came home, her husband was already asleep, and the kids tucked in. Even the dog was snoring away on the couch, completely disinterested in her arrival. Once Rey was wrapped up in her pajamas, face clean and hair dried, she sat at the dinner table with a bottle of half finished vodka in front of her, a glass of orange juice next to it.She’d been at the meetings more often now. At least a few times a week, when she could find time to leave the house and sneak away from the kids. But it felt like it wasn’t nearly enough. The urge was still there. The overwhelming and horrifying need to numb the yearning in her chest with just one drink. Or maybe a few. It didn’t matter, as long as she could sleep again. Or stop shaking. Just so she could get through one more fucking day when everything felt like it was tearing her apart.Poe didn’t understand. Or maybe he didn’t care. Either way, he was far more involved with his job and the new guy at the office to notice she was too drunk to cook dinner. Or that when she went to bed, she smelled like a bar. They slept on opposite sides, never close enough to accidentally brush up against each other. He hadn’t touched her in months anyhow. Why would he when there was someone else meant for his love?Rey wasn’t too sure why she picked up her cell phone and scrolled down the contact list until she found AA BEN. A hastily written text was sent before she could think about it too closely, and within a minute, he’d responded.
BEN: DONT
REY: WHY NOT?
BEN: YOULL HATE YOURSELF EVEN MORE
Rey had to admit it—he was right. She drank the juice and tucked the bottle away in the cabinets on top of the microwave, the ones that they used to keep things away from the kids. After turning off all the lights and checking the door locks, she tucked herself in bed next to her husband’s sleeping form. He huffed and rolled away closer to the edge, a man’s name falling from his lips as he sighed.It was well past midnight when his phone chimed. A blunt between his lips as he lay sprawled on his bed, he read the text message that lit up his phone screen. The number wasn’t saved in his contact list, but he knew it was someone from the meetings. One thing they constantly preached about was reaching out when you were tempted to drink, and sometimes people texted or called him even though he was fairly new and useless. Back in the day, there were pay phones next to liquor stores so people could call their sponsors. Now you could just text anyone on the list. Or everyone.
I WANT A DRINK BUT I DONT WANT TO DRINK
Ben laughed bitterly at the message. Not because their pain was funny or amusing to him, but because he knew what they meant. Everyone at the cult-like meetings did. They all spoke of the same cravings, the same innate need and addiction that constantly burned in the back of their minds, even when they ignored it.His eyes flickered to his closet, where a bottle of whiskey was hidden among boxes of memories and childhood treasures. There was a baggie of rolled up joints on his nightstand, openly displayed for anyone to see if they walked in, but the alcohol was something to be ashamed of. At least now it was.He typed out a one-word reply, not really feeling up to being someone’s emotional support drunk, but their own reply was immediate. Like they had been waiting with bated breath for his support.
WHY NOT?
Ben blinked at the two simple words. So simply but so fucking loaded, bordering on fucking philosophical. There were volumes and volumes of texts and literature and shit explaining every reason not to drink, but he couldn’t fit it all into a text message. Why not? They were all adults who made shitty decisions and over imbibing was just another one. Why shouldn’t this person just take a shot if that was how they wanted to numb themselves? Why shouldn’t he? Because his parents had given him an ultimatum. Continue down his criminal path of destruction laced with shitty decisions, mayhem, and be excommunicated from his family and cut off from his financial support. Or get his shit together and see his mother regularly.
YOULL HATE YOURSELF EVEN MORE
DONT DO IT
There was no response after that last message, and he hoped they had decided against it. Guilt crawled up his spine. Feeling useless, he let the joint go dry and put it back on the ashtray. Seven months ago he would have blacked out, but now his body had to put itself to sleep and it didn’t know how anymore.Laying in bed feeling useless and guilty and sweaty was the worst part of his nights. It was even worse than waking up from some nightmare that felt all too real. Flashbacks encoded into a fake reality where everything like he was trudging underwater. Every touch in his dreams felt like a slash to his skin, and the pain often sent him overboard. He woke up screaming and kicking some phantom that had already vanished at that point. The scars on his body throbbed. The one on his lower right side was always the worst, where a piece of metal had dug itself into his body after an ill-fated attempt to end his own life.
Phantom pains.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Ben always woke up an hour before group started, and he was thankful for how easy it was for him to get ready. A shower cleared his mind and body from the grogginess caused by tossing and turning all night.By the time he had wrapped a towel around his waist and exited the steamy bathroom, his dad was standing in the doorway of his small apartment with a crooked grin plastered on his face and two gigantic cups of coffee in his hands. Ben didn’t return the smile but grunted out a thanks as he took the ceramic travel mug. “Morning to you too, ears.” Han said.Ben hated how easily his father had forgiven him after all the shit that’d happened between them. He couldn’t understand it. Ben couldn’t possibly forgive Han for using that stupid nickname for all of his thirty four years of existence.“Shuddup,” he grunted at Han, turning on his heels and heading back to the bathroom to get dressed.Even worse than forgiving his son, Han was always far too cheery. It was unsightly. He much preferred Leia’s small but angry demeanor. Ben had obviously inherited his temper from her. His bullheadedness was from both parents, and the overall bad mood was something that was all Ben’s own.It wasn’t until he pocketed his wallet, keys, sobriety chip, and his cell phone he recalled the message from the night before. Again, the familiar feeling of failure flooded his senses, diminishing his already low mood. He thought about bringing it up to Han while they climbed into his old Ford pickup, but the whole point of the meetings was to be anonymous. It wouldn’t be very anonymous to go blabbing about it to someone who wasn’t in the group.He took a long drink from his mug, bright blue letters that spelled out his name glittering in the sunlight, while one of his long arms dangled out of the passenger side window. Leia had far too many hobbies now that she was retired and making personalized cups was one of them. For some strange reason, she had made a cup for him in all black, with cerulean letters and little butterflies all around. It was cute, and he adored it with every bit of his heart. Not that he would ever admit it to a single soul, except the woman who had suffered so much to bring him into the world. His phantoms manifested as a slender body encased in blue jeans and a yellow shirt. She shone like a beacon, bright as the sun that beat down on their heads and necks as Ben and Han walked up to the front doors where she was leaning against the black out windows. He swallowed when the scent of her hair carried on the wind to his nose and he felt a surge of need to bury his face in her hair so he could live in that scent forever and ever.Fuck. This was why they separated men and women in group. Indecent thoughts crawled far too easily into his mind when he was stark raving sober, without some barrier in his mind to stop him from experiencing these confusing and all consuming thoughts. Beside him, Han snorted, no doubt having caught the look on Ben’s stupid long face. “Well, she’s a looker,” he commented, mouth hidden behind the rim of his own hand decorated cup—wood brown with airplanes and hunting dogs. Instead of Han’s name, however, Leia had hand lettered ‘WORLD’S WORST HUSBAND’ on it. Ben knew Han treasured the cup almost as much as he did. “Yeah, not bad,” Ben muttered. They were too close to Rey and being overheard was the last thing he wanted or needed. He cleared his throat and nodded her way when they got closer.“Coming in?” He asked her.“Yes, I am. I was waiting for you, actually.” He had to actively stop himself from choking on the hot coffee, eyebrows shooting up as he coughed. Han slapped Ben on the back with a snickered laugh at his expense. “Oh? Me?” “I wanted to say thank you for last night.” It was Han’s turn to choke. Ben didn’t bother looking at his dad, his eyes locked on Rey’s as he tried to figure out two different things. One, what the fuck was she talking about? Two, what color were her eyes? “I didn’t drink. So...thank you.” Oh. It was she who’d reached out. Of course, Rey was the newest to group besides himself. She would have needed more help, more guidance. Everyone else knew better than to call him up for help. “Yeah, no problem. I get that way too.” He scratched at the back of his neck with his free hand. His dad patted him once on the shoulder and waved at them to signal his departure. Han never stuck around for the meetings, even though he had attended them for years and years. Once he’d escorted Ben to the door, he usually walked away and waited in his truck until it was over. Ben turned to watch his dad climb back into his truck, feeling too awkward to turn his eyes back to the pretty girl in front of him. Too scared that he would identify the exact shade of green and gold and scare her off. “I really appreciate it. I’m so scared that I’ll start drinking again.” “Don’t be. It makes it all worse. Just take it a day at a time.” She laughed, and that was what pulled his eyes back to look at her face. It was a beautiful sound, tickling at his ears and making him catch his breath. Had he really only seen her a handful of times? It felt like an eternity. “Yeah, I hear that all the time now.” “Because it works.” The door opened and one of the old men poked his graying head out to tell them the meeting was about to start. Ben opened the door and motioned for her to go ahead of him, coffee still in hand. He grabbed a book from the shelf next to the door and settled in one of the worn down stale smelling couches that lined one side of the long triangular room. They were all mismatched and stained, a few had holes and cigarette burns, but they were better than the metal chairs he could hardly fit in. To his surprise, Rey settled in next to him on the same couch, a big book propped on her lap and her purse on the ground between them.The meeting was opened with a prayer, and he kept his head up stubbornly. When they recited their little catchphrases, he lit up a cigarette and zoned out. Rey, however, gobbled it all up. Entranced by the words and stories the group weaved. She even shed tears and sniffled into a Kleenex. Part of him resented his cynicism and his inability to just believe in the words these people were saying. He wanted to be brainwashed. He wanted to belong with all of them.“Ben, would you like to share?” The chair asked him yet again.The third time this week. An earth shattering record. He shook his head and, with smoke still in his lungs, told them he wasn’t ready yet. He would never be ready. Ben wasn’t like them. He couldn’t just spill out his embarrassing truths and lay them all out so these people could just judge him. And now he had to worry about what pretty little Rey would think or say.It would be a disappointment for her to know that the person who she’d reached out to in a moment of weakness was so far beneath her. That she couldn’t count on him. “When you’re ready, we’ll be here,” the chair said. This time it was a short Asian man a little older than Ben, maybe mid or late thirties.Ben wanted to tell them all that they would wait for quite a while. He was in no particular rush to share his story with them. The man continued on, giving someone else the floor. Ben tuned them out and focused his gaze on the floor near his feet. The couch creaked as Rey leaned over, now close enough that their thighs were only centimeters away from touching. He sucked in a breath as waves of sweet, warm perfume washed over him. “Could I have one of those?” She asked, motioning to the box of Marlboros on his thigh.Ben could smell the cinnamon on her lips from whatever gum he was certain she’d been binge chewing lately. Replace a bad habit with another, preferably better habit, a trick every newbie was taught when they first come in. The more sugar in your habit, the better. “Of course,” he whispered back.Rey grabbed the box, and he swallowed thickly when her fingernails scratched ever so lightly over the fabric of his jeans. He tried not to watch her too closely as she raised one of his cigarettes to her pink glossy lips, but it was near impossible to ignore how they wrapped around the filter so preciously. When the lighter gave her trouble, Ben reached over to take it from her. Leaning even closer, he carefully flicked it and guarded the little flame behind one hand to keep it from going out.Rey’s eyes fluttered closed as she took a deep inhale, then released a thin stream of smoke from her nose. The smallest, tiniest, almost soundless moan escaped from her and the sound was like an ice pick to his eardrums and a match to the flame inside his belly. He pocketed the lighter and cigarettes, content just watching her smoke slowly as the meeting drew to a close. At some point he shifted his legs, doing his best to hide how his jeans were suddenly tighter around the groin, and angled his hips away from Rey. It would be even more mortifying if she learned that he’d popped a boner just from watching her mouth around a fucking cigarette. That was why she should sit on the other side, safe with all the other women and away from his perverse thoughts. But there she was. So close, yet so married and unavailable to him in more ways than one. Ben sighed and pulled out another cigarette.He would chain smoke himself to death if he couldn’t drink himself to it.By the time Rey had come home, their nanny had already put the kids to bed and Poe was shut up inside his office in the basement. Rey sighed, throwing her purse down on the large beige couch in their expansive living room. The whole house was in varying shades of beige and brown and white. Cream and umber and tan and khaki. Mahogany and copper. Eggshell and cream and bisque. All these different names for a bunch of comfortably trendy but safe colors picked out by some interior designer that she couldn’t remember the name of.It was all to Poe’s liking. The furniture, the wall colors, the kitchen pots and pans. Rey knew nothing about any of it anyhow. She was content in letting him do whatever he wanted, as long as she got to cook the food and clean up after the kids. Her life wasn’t difficult, not anymore and not by a long shot. Poe had a good job, though time consuming, and provided well for them. He didn’t fuss or complain if she bought new clothes or shoes for herself or the kids. If she asked for a specific high-priced item, then she would get it without fanfare. A new vehicle when she got her license, car keys wordlessly set in front of her at the dinner table with a peck on the cheek from her husband. A diamond and emerald tennis bracelet for Mother’s Day when he had to go out of town for a week to a real estate conference in New Jersey. There was nothing she didn’t want, that she couldn’t have. Except for the love of a man who wanted her. Except acceptance. Rey crept down the stairs that led to the basement, shoes abandoned by the front door where Rosa would pick them up tomorrow morning when she came back. By now, Rey was familiar with each creaking step and groaning floor board, so her descent was silent. The door was half open, enough to where she could soundlessly poke her head into the office where Poe sat in a leather armchair. A crystal glass of amber liquor in one hand, a cell phone in the other, a wide smile on his lips. Bright white teeth flashed as he read something on the screen. He was still in his work clothes, though his pristine baby blue shirt was unbuttoned with the sleeves rolled up. Poe had always been handsome. A charming and witty, flirtatious young man of twenty-seven when they’d met, he’d quickly swept her off her feet. He’d pursued her endlessly, and it had driven her crazy at first. They were two lovebirds in a whirlwind romance that ended in a shotgun wedding. He’d given her everything, and then promptly ripped it all out from underneath her years later when he’d learned that his precious little young bride wouldn’t always be his precious little young bride. Maybe if she had never changed. Physically or emotionally. Rey wished that she could have stayed that bright, naive girl that Poe had been so enamored with. He looked up, smile disappearing and replaced with pursed lips. A tired frown marred his brow. The cell phone was quickly tucked into the pocket of his slacks.“I didn’t hear you come down.” “You looked busy. I didn’t want to bother you.” Rey stepped inside his office, swallowed up by the thick emerald green high pile carpet and the dark brown wood-paneled walls. His office was dark, lit only by a single lamp and his computer screens. “Never too busy for you, Rey. Come over here,” he motioned with the hand that had held the cell phone.Rey walked over to him, coming to a stop in front of his knees. His warm eyes darted over her body, stopping only to trace the curve of her bare shoulder. For a second, something jumped in her belly, a hope that he would reach out for her and touch her finally. After months of waiting for him. When she bent down to place a lingering kiss on his lips, all she tasted was the scotch he’d been drinking. He didn’t open up for her, or move against her. There wasn’t so much as a sigh. When she pulled away, his eyes were still open and focused on her shoulder. “I’m taking a bath and then going to bed,” she whispered. Her voice cracked with the effort of holding back her anger and hurt. “Don’t stay up too long.” Poe’s smile didn’t quite reach his eyes when he said goodnight.He moved through time like it was honey sweet syrup. High as balls but sober, Ben lay back on his bed stark naked with a semi hard dick in his hands. He shouted at the walls, angry, frustrated, high. It’d been months since he’d had any type of release, either by his own hand or by someone else. There hadn’t been any interest in sex or orgasms until today when he’d seen Rey at the evening meeting dressed in another blouse that showed off her shoulders and arms and jeans so tight that he could make out every single curve of her thighs and ass. His dick had finally shown interest in something, someone, and yet when he tried to jack off, it wouldn’t cooperate. He couldn’t stay hard and he couldn’t cum. Everything was fucked. Ben finally gave up and let himself just lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling of his bedroom, counting the bumps and waves until his eyes fell closed and sleep overtook his worn out body. But within a few minutes, he felt the sharp cutting pain in his side and he woke up screaming again. Memories jerked him awake every few hours, ensuring that he wouldn’t sleep or rest peacefully.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Maz was the smallest woman Rey had ever seen, barely tall enough to handle the stack of paper and books in her arms. She strode in full of determination and big hair. Rey cocked an eyebrow and tried to hold back a grin as the woman hopped on the bench and adjusted her thick glasses. They magnified her eyes, making them look huge on her face. Her hair moved on its own, thick black curls blowing with an invisible wind. One of their waiters at the small brunch restaurant they had agreed to meet in was quickly waved down by Maz, who ordered them coffee and a plate of assorted pastries to eat while they made their relationship official. “Hello, dear.” She greeted Rey while arranging the books and papers semi neatly on the table. “I want you to stay away from that Solo boy.” Rey was taken aback, and she blinked at Maz as she processed the words and name. “Solo boy?” “You know who I mean. Ben. The big, tall, stupid boy that smokes like a damn choochoo train and gets high in the bathroom like we can’t smell his damn skunk weed.” Oh. Ben. Rey blinked again in surprise, not understanding why Maz would open their meeting with a warning about Ben, of all people. They’d talked in group and texted frequently when she needed extra support, or if Maz wasn’t around. “We don’t talk oft—” The waiter returned with the goods, pouring out coffee for a confused Rey and Maz. Rey leaned back in her chair to give him room and smiled politely, muttering a thanks while Maz shuffled papers and books around to make room. “Don’t deny it, girl.” Maz said, pushing a chocolate pastry towards Rey, voice stern. “I’ve seen those eyes he makes at you. You live long enough and you see the same eyes in different people. And those eyes? Those are the eyes that will land you in a bunch of trouble.” “But I don’t—” “All the Solos are a bunch of miscreants. Trust me, I’ve known them for longer than I care to admit. Han is no better even if my Chuey loves him. He’s not a very good judge of character.” “Isn’t Chuey your husband?” “Exactly. I would know him more than anyone. A shit judge of character. He married me, after all.”Rey sputtered around her pastry and Maz ignored her. The small woman opened the big book and slapped a few pens on the table. “Now, we get to go over the steps and how we work them.” She swallowed, looking at the thick blue book in front of her, worn and bent in places. There was a cigarette burn in one corner and a good amount of old coffee stained most of the cover. Everything in group seemed to be covered in coffee. But she quickly realized that the coffee and cigarettes and gum were the easy way to replace alcohol—to form another habit to replace the old one. “Are the steps the stuff that we say during the meetings?”Maz hummed around a mouthful of croissant and nodded. She pulled out a laminated sheet of paper and pushed it towards Rey. A thin finger decked out in various thick rings pointed to the first step. “Let’s start here, hon.”Ben’s fingers itched for something to keep him occupied. A pen or pencil, a paintbrush or a cigarette. Anything to keep him from overturning his kitchen table. Instead, he clenched both hands into fists and kept them out of sight. “This is the easiest way, Ben,” his dad said, trying to placate him. “I don’t need a sponsor, I haven’t needed one. I’ve been clean for seven months all on my own.” Ben said, emphatic and loud.His knee started bouncing erratically causing the table to shake. The anger and annoyance was overtaking him, he needed something to take it away before he did something stupid. “And you’ve done good, kid. Nobody is arguing with that. But the judge wants you to have a sponsor.” Han was calmer than usual. There wasn’t a trace of temper behind his carefully chosen words. Ben fought back the urge to scoff at him. “You’re getting off so easy, Ben. Just work the steps with Chuey, get your paper signed, and this will be over.” They made it sound so easy. Just work the steps, sign your papers, turn around, hop on one leg, bop it, twist it, go fuck yourself so you can keep your inheritance and keep making your shitty artwork. Just follow the steps, Ben. Ingrain the cult ideals into your brain. He stood from the table, letting his chair scrape loudly against the tile of the dining area floor. The coffee pot beeped, and he veered away from his stash of pot to pour himself a cup instead. “Just do it for your mother, son.” Uncle Chuey finally spoke up. His voice was gutter deep and dark. He spoke in growls with a thick Spanish accent from decades of hard drinking and cigarette smoking.Chuey had come over on a handmade boat from Cuba and led a whirlwind life alongside Han. Smugglers, bootleggers, drug dealers. Whatever the job, they’d take it. A life of federal crimes that would make any law enforcement agent foam at the mouth and rush to arrest them. And yet they wanted Ben to toe the line and follow the rules. Ben turned and gave his uncle a dirty look. It was unfair to bring up his mother. Everyone knew Ben was a damn momma’s boy, even when he was off the rails and fucking shit up. He drank his bitter black coffee and let it burn the roof of his mouth while Han and Chuey stared at the back of his head. Their gazes burned holes in his white t-shirt. Off in the distance, his cell phone chimed and his alarm went off. The evening meeting was only an hour away. He filled his lungs up with air and exhaled through his nostrils like an angry bull. It was unnecessarily loud in the quiet of his apartment. “Fine,” Ben said. “Fine. Chuey can be my sponsor.”Despite Maz’s warnings, Rey’s favorite part of group was Ben, with his ever constant black wardrobe and surly face that he hid behind. And very quickly, he was becoming the first and only person she reached out to when she needed a reminder of why she was doing this whole sobriety thing. His messages were short but constant, like his expressions and his clothes. He replied to her almost immediately every time.
24 HOURS AT A TIME
JUST WORRY ABOUT TONIGHT
EAT SOME DAMN CHOCOLATE
GO TO SLEEP. CANT DRINK IF YOURE PASSED THE FUCK OUT
I SMOKE A SHIT TON OF WEED AND THAT HELPS ME
Every night, once everyone had gone to bed and the house was quiet, Rey would slip out the back door that led to their backyard pool with her newly purchased cigarettes and a glass of apple juice. She missed the wine bottles she went through before AA, but the sugar in the juices seemed to help a bit. Juice and cigarettes didn’t help the intrusive thoughts, though. Nor did they block out the sound of Poe’s phone when it buzzed at two in the morning. Or the sound of him constantly chanting ”Finn” every time he tossed and turned.
CAN’T GET ANY.
DRUGS I MEAN. WEED.
ILL BRING YOU A JOINT OR TWO TOMORROW. AT GROUP.
MY HUSBAND WON’T LIKE IT
There was a pause. Ben was usually immediate with his responses, enough that she wondered if he sat alone on his bed just staring at the screen like she did. One of her eyebrows shot up when his response finally came and she laughed.
TELL HIM TO GO FUCK HIMSELF AND SMOKE A JOINT. IT HELPS.
GOOD NIGHT BEN
NIGHT DOLL
Rey stood from the pool chair with a silly smile on her face. Nobody ever used pet names with her. Maybe in the beginning, when Poe was still trying to charm her into his bed, he’d called her sweetheart. It always seemed forced when she tried to call her husband love or dear. But Ben seemed to say it naturally, whether in their text messages or during in person conversations. Doll. Baby. She liked it. Her heart hiccuped in her chest when he said it or when she read it. She drifted into her bedroom on light feet, crawled under the covers, and imagined Ben repeating the words over and over into her hair and neck. Against her lips. She fell asleep while thinking about how soft his mouth might be.It was after the meeting was over that Ben approached her. He wore a maroon polo shirt, unbuttoned and a little wrinkled. It fit him perfectly. The sleeves hugged his biceps tight and Rey had to look away when she caught sight of him because Maz was watching her closely. “Hey, Auntie Maz,” he said and bent down to pull Maz into a hug. Maz patted his head and grumbled a hello. Chuey wasn’t too far behind Ben, with Han and one of the other older members trailing behind him. “Hey, Rey.” Rey grinned at him and nodded at the others, too nervous that her growing, confusing feelings for Ben were obvious on her face. It was probably painted all over her body, the words they exchanged every night flashing neon bright so everyone would know. There was a nervous fluttering in her stomach when Ben moved past her, his arm brushing against her shoulder as he made his way to the coffee machine. “Coffee, Rey? I was about to get a refill.” Ben asked nonchalantly.The old heads were talking now, ignoring them as Han and Chuey recounted some story that involved smuggling tigers into Texas. She joined Ben next to the machine and grabbed a little white styrofoam cup while he poured coffee into a ceramic cup covered in blue butterflies. It somehow fit him perfectly. The sugar container was empty. She shook it and hummed in annoyance. Ben reached up to the cupboards over their heads to pull down another container, and Rey watched as the muscles in his arms flexed. His shirt rode up above the waistband of his jeans. She exhaled sharply and swallowed when she caught sight of a pale sliver of skin dusted with dark hair. His abdomen looked hard with muscle and she wished she could feel for herself. Ben put the sugar down in front of her and she jumped. Hastily, she poured too much into her empty cup, but Ben didn’t comment on it. Thank the stars. “I got you a little something,” he muttered, pouring the steaming hot coffee into her cup. It dissolved the sugar at the bottom and she watched as it disappeared. “Oh?” From his pocket, he pulled out a half-empty box of Marlboro Blacks. His smile was sly and mischievous when he opened it to show her the contents. Mixed in with the regular cigarettes were three neatly rolled blunts. Rey gasped and quickly looked around over her shoulder to make sure Maz was still talking to Han and Chuey. “I didn’t think you were serious,” she whispered to him like they were teenagers and their parents were right over there. Ben was clearly amused as he pressed the box into her palm, his precious crooked teeth flashing. “Relax, they won’t say anything about it. Maz is a huge stoner, believe it or not.” She could hardly picture Maz smoking weed with her serious expressions and stern voice. Rey admitted as much to Ben, who laughed and turned his gaze to the others.“You should’ve seen her when I was a kid. They think I don’t know, but they were swingers. My parents used to throw these huge parties once a month and send me off to my grandparents’ house. I would come back and the whole place would just smell like bad decisions and lube.” Rey choked on her coffee and it dribbled down her chin and chest. She hacked and scrambled for a paper towel to clean up, while Ben grinned from ear to ear and patted her back. The old heads turned to look at them and Rey couldn’t meet their eyes now that Ben had given her that far too revealing tidbit of information. “Jesus fucking Christ, Ben.” “Don’t be a prude,” he teased.“I’m not. I just didn’t need that image in my head.” “Welcome to the club. That’s the real reason I started drinking too much. I had to forget that shit.” Ben’s hand was still on her back. He was no longer patting it, though.His fingers were tracing the outline of her shoulder blades through the thin material of her blouse and she was vividly aware of her lack of a bra. He had to know because she caught his eyes lingering around her breasts and their now hardened points. A vivid image of him licking said points flashed in her head. “Hey, Rey,” Han called out.Ben’s hand immediately dropped from her back and he turned away to snatch his cup from the counter. Rey continued to wipe away the coffee from her shirt.“You want to grab some lunch with us? There’s this place we like to go to. Got good fish.” Han said.She hurried over to where they were gathered together, Ben following behind at a respectable distance, like he hadn’t just been looking at her tits. Rey hesitated for a moment, and she had the feeling she looked like a deer in the headlights as Han stared her down with twinkling blue eyes. Ben had warned her about this before. How the old heads liked to rope in the newbies with the promise of free food so they could squeeze out their “sob stories”. “I wouldn’t want to intrude,” she said, but Han and Chuey grumbled. “Nonsense, honey. We want to get to know you. Ben’s coming too, aren’t you?” Han’s eyes flickered to where Ben was standing behind her, hiding behind the rim of his coffee.Ben’s eyes narrowed over his cup and jumped between his dad’s face and hers. He shrugged but said nothing, like the embodiment of grumpiness he was. She couldn’t help the quiet huff of laughter before turning to Han and accepting his offer.They ended up sitting in a small booth with Rey sandwiched between Han and Ben. Both of them were larger than her and took up most of the bench. Moreso Ben than Han, who was a little taller than his dad and wider around the shoulders. Han had his elbows propped on the table as he read the menu, pushing her further into Ben’s side.Ben leaned back in the booth, one arm thrown against the backrest of the seat and brushing against her nape. It was almost too much to be so close to him, the smell of his cologne stronger than the fried food that lingered in the air permanently. She tried to control the fluttering in her stomach when he shifted in place, tried to keep it down to a minimum when he leaned across her to say something to Maz or Han. Part of her hated it. How she felt around him. The shooting thrill that took over her body when she saw or thought of him. It felt marvelous and addicting until she caught sight of the wedding ring that fit too tight around her finger and made her hand weigh a ton. Then it was like a bucket of ice cold water was dumped over her head and she was left shaking uncomfortably.There was guilt that came along with her undeniable attraction to Ben, but she deeply wished there wasn’t. After all, Poe was the one who’d stepped out of their marriage first and still was. Part of her wanted to do the same, even if the act wouldn’t hurt him. The rest of her just wanted everything to go back to how it was in the beginning. But neither of those were reasonable options. After they had all ordered, Han asked the real questions. How old was Rey when she started drinking? What was she having problems with? How could they help and support her? What was her story? How many kids did she have? What about her husband? She almost broke amid her answers. Despite the choking sensation of her throat closing up as she stumbled over words, Rey still answered each one. There was something about Han’s warm eyes that told her she could confide in them and that none of her truths would leave the confines of the small and crowded restaurant. Bite by bite of catfish and fries dipped in tartar sauce, she revealed everything.Far more than she told anybody during the meetings, more than she had told Maz. Her sponsor nodded, encouraging Rey while sipping on sweet tea and picking apart a salad. Ben listened on, a solid presence against her who would occasionally hum in agreement or squeeze her knee under the table where no one could see.
Rey’s days were long and lonely. The kids went to school at 7am and didn’t return until 4 in the afternoon. They were in a certain phase where they cared more about their video games and toys than their parents. And Rey found herself okay with that. She needed time to heal, time away from her family. As much as she loved them, they were also part of the reason she was hurting so much.
Rey had met Poe very young, when she was only nineteen and still stumbling through life with wide eyes and shaky legs. Naïve and in love, she ended up pregnant and married in less than a year. Poe could provide for them with a good job. He was older than her, more mature, better with money, and he knew so much more.
At twenty-seven, he’d had his life together. And Rey was happy to have a little family of her own. But it was only downhill after the birth of her children. And then it went from bad to worse between Poe and her, adding affairs and long nights at the office to their fights about money and raising their children.
Poe had gone from a loving, attentive boyfriend to a neglectful, resentful husband. And Rey had gone from her joyful naïve self to some pale, ghostly imitation of the girl she once was. Floating from room to room, day to day, doing her best to keep her kids alive and the home clean. Whether she felt even a glimmer of hope or happiness wasn’t important anymore. She herself didn’t matter anymore. Stripped of her identity and individuality, Rey existed as nothing more than a token wife and mother.
Somewhere along the way, she learned that a bottle of wine kept her from crying in the bathtub at night once everyone was asleep. Then she figured out that she could keep a healthy level of tipsy throughout the day to make her life just a bit easier. Everything was easier when she was numbed.
Once Rey realized nobody noticed or cared that she was drunk, it was easier to do it day in and day out until it became a habit to start mornings with vodka in her orange juice, a few glasses of wine with her lunch, an afternoon cocktail or three, and then more wine while she made dinner and ate.
Eventually, it spun out of control. Funnily enough, it was the nanny who caught on. A young woman named Rose they had hired very early on after the boys were born. It was Rose who had sat Rey down and asked her about the drinking and asked if she was okay. Rose was the one who told her about the meetings and how her friend had found them so helpful. It was Rose, a constant figure in her life who shouldn’t have cared nearly as much as she did, who took Rey to her first meeting. “And that’s basically it,” Rey said as she pushed her empty plate away from her. Tears welled up in her eyes, threatening to make a fool out of her. She blinked them away and sniffed.“You did good, kid,” Han said before pulling her into a hug and clapping her on the bed. “I’m glad you found us.” Rey felt like she would explode from the influx of emotions within her. She wasn’t ready for this kind of acceptance. She wasn’t ready for someone to tell her she was doing the right thing. And yet a person who was practically a stranger was embracing her and telling her she was. A stranger instead of her real family.“Thank you,” she muttered in a tight voice. “Do you need a moment, Rey?” Maz piped up from where she had been sitting quietly.Rey nodded, smiling and still blinking furiously. Ben stood so she could get out and Rey shot out of there as fast as she could. She dodged employees and wandering patrons as they ducked out of the small hallway where the bathrooms were. She stopped to lean against the wall, panting as sobs worked their way out of her chest and throat. Her vision swam with tears. A hand wrapped around her wrist and she was tugged and spun around into Ben’s chest, the fabric of his shirt soft against her cheek. He shushed her when she tried to protest, and she gave in, melting against him as tears spilled down her cheeks and through his shirt.Ben was there to shield her, and she let him. Strong arms wrapped around her, blocking out the rest of the restaurant with his enormity, making it easier for her to get lost in her pathetic little sobs and the scent of his shirt. Smoke, weed, and coffee. Something so wholly different to the light and citrusy scent of Poe. Far more comforting and real to her.She was a married woman. Married to an indifferent man who was having an affair with another man who didn’t give a rat’s ass if they were hurting her.Instead of pulling away, Rey buried her face further into Ben’s chest, accepting the warmth and strength he offered. He pressed his lips against her hair and she shivered in his arms. He kissed her forehead, and it was just like she had dreamed. It felt too good to be held by him and comforted. She wanted to crawl inside of Ben and be carried there forever, or at least until she could handle the world around her while sober. His arms could steady her shaking limbs. She could wear his warmth like a jacket.If he would let her. If only he would let her. If only there weren’t so many things holding her back from giving into it all. Ben was hot when he got back to his apartment, sweat beading on his back and neck, his hands clammy. There were only three hours until the next meeting. Three hours until he saw Rey again. She had slowly infiltrated his brain and was now a permanent fixture in his thoughts. She stuck out like a thorn, but she belonged there. Drowning him in her beauty and sweet voice.His shirt still smelled faintly like her sweetness and damp from her tears. He didn’t know why he’d done it. It seemed like the only logical response, pulling her into his arms when she was crying. There was something about her vulnerability that made him hard. It wasn’t about her body, or at least not just about her body, or her pretty features. It was the way her eyes filled with tears that made him dizzy with lust. It could just be because he hadn’t had any pussy in months, but he’d had longer dry spells. The reminder of her head buried in his chest and the way her little shoulders jerked with sobs had him reeling.He slammed his front door shut, letting the walls shake with the intensity. He barely made it into the bedroom before his dick was out and in his palm. Guilt washed over him as he jacked off to the thought of her so vulnerable and needy against him, but he pushed it away in favor of imagining her. Of Rey wanting him, needing him, seeking comfort in him. His own little fantasy of her doe eyed, with makeup running down her face from tears—and only he could comfort her. Nobody else, just Ben. He came with her name on his lips, thick ropes of cum staining the shirt that still had Rey's tears on it. When she went home after the meeting, she had expected to find the house empty. She’d hoped to find it empty so she could take a relaxing bath and wash away all of her ruined makeup. Her body felt wrung out, squeezed and battered. The meeting and the restaurant had taken so much out of her emotionally and it bled into her physically. Instead, she found Poe in the kitchen, humming as he prepared two sandwiches on their good plates. Plates that were not meant for snacks, but for special occasions like Christmas and Thanksgiving or anniversaries. Poe was dressed down in swim shorts and an open short sleeve Hawaiian shirt, his hair shiny and slick with water from the pool. “Hey,” she greeted him and Poe startled, his whole body seizing up at the sound of her voice. He whirled around, his curls bouncing with the violence of the movement. “Rey, I didn’t know you’d be here. I thought you had your meeting around this time.” Poe said, patting his chest and reaching out to hug her one armed, like he would hug a friend or a distant cousin, not his wife. “No—well, yes. They’re at noon.” She pulled away, very aware of the fact that the scent of Ben permeated every inch of her. The smell of his cigarettes and cologne clinging to her hair and shirt. But Poe didn’t seem to notice, instead returning his attention to the sandwiches he was preparing. “Who’s here?” It couldn’t be the kids. They were still at home and Rose knew better than to use the good plates on the kids. The sliding door that led to the backyard and pool opened and Finn stepped into the kitchen, shirtless and soaking wet. His smile was blinding when he caught sight of Rey.“Rey!” He exclaimed, arms extending in front of him for a hug. With a nervous laugh, she dodged him. “You’re soaked!” She protested, swatting half playfully at him. “Where’s your towel, you heathen? Did my forgetful ass husband not give you one?” Finn’s eyes flickered to Poe, who had finished making the sandwiches and was now moving to offer a plate to Finn. She tried not to scrunch her nose in disapproval of the plates or the mess in her usually pristine kitchen. Finn took the plate, grinning easily and looking from Poe to her and then back again.Her smile fell, mask slipping off as she saw a dark purple bruise on the side of Finn’s neck and another on his chest. Love bites. When Finn’s eyes turned to her once again, he must have registered her expression and understood what it meant. His throat bobbed as he swallowed. “You know Poe, always so forgetful,” he said, knuckles going white as he held the plate tightly in his hands. “Don’t you boys mind me. I’m going to take a quick shower before my next meeting. Order pizza for dinner and don’t wait up for me, Poe.” Her voice was steady and under control.The picture perfect calm and collected wife who was being taken advantage of by her husband and his lover underneath her own roof. Probably fooling around on the pool chairs she and her children used on the weekends and on hot summer days.Rey gave one last blinding smile and turned on her heel, heading straight for the bathtub upstairs, struggling to keep her tears to herself.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Married. Married. Married. She’s married.Her eyes caught the two and a half carat diamond ring on her finger. Shiny and clear. There was only one slight imperfection, hidden underneath a prong where nobody could see it. So symbolic. And then there was Ben, who caught her eye and breath. He sucked the air out of the room and her lungs. The way he looked at her, with an ever-present cigarette between his lips, made her body vibrate with pure want. The way his mouth pouted and his eyes seemed to beg for her made her want to crawl inside his chest and seek his warmth. Rey would bet everything precious to her that Ben wouldn’t leave her wanting or lonely. He resonated with her.The meeting ended and Maz made her way to stand next to Rey as everyone gathered in the center of the room like they always did. She slipped her tiny hand in Rey’s, tugging firmly to guide her away from Ben’s heated gaze. There was no other way to describe it. Heated, hungry, wanting.“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,” everyone chanted together.Rey’s lips moved along with the words, but her heart wasn’t in it. Ben was hunched over, hands stuffed in his pockets, as he avoided the men on either side of him. He kept his mouth stubbornly shut and Rey felt the beginning of a smile tugging at the corner of her lips.
“Courage to change the things I can.”
They locked eyes once again. She couldn’t help her smile. And Ben actually smiled back, lines gracing his stubbled cheeks and dimples coming to life. Precious crooked teeth flashed and Rey’s heart seized in her chest.“And the wisdom to know the difference.” She wanted him. She wanted him so badly it drove her crazy. Her grip tightened on Maz’s hand, drawing a small complaint from her.Ben watched on as Rey took a call after everyone had cleared out of the meeting hall. She leaned against her SUV, smoking and frowning deeply as she listens to whoever was on the other side of the line. He’s too busy memorizing the way her hair floats in the breeze to hear whatever Han is trying to tell him.He follows the curve of her legs from her graceful, delicate ankles to the shapely thighs that vanish under a flowing pastel pink and purple flower skirt. The t-shirt she’s wearing today is plain white, but he knows she’s not wearing anything underneath again. He’s a creep, perhaps, for knowing when she is and isn’t wearing a bra, but he can’t help it. Something about her has driven him past the point of obsession and insanity and Ben wants.“Are you listening to me, kid?” Han asks. Ben tears his eyes away from the woman who’s taken over his brain and turns to look at his father. Maz is standing next to them, arms crossed over her chest and eyes narrowed at Ben. She’s nearly two whole feet shorter than him, but he feels his spine straighten under her gaze. He clears his throat.“What?”But it’s Maz who takes a threatening step towards him, uncrossing her arms only to jab a pointed nailed finger into his abdominal muscles. Ben winces.“You stay away from her, Benjamin Solo. Don’t think that just because I changed your diapers, I won’t kick your behind. I love your mother, but if you get involved with that girl, I will kill you.” Maz’s fingernails are brutal as she emphasizes each word with a stab. Ben grimaces with each one but doesn’t avoid them. Avoiding Maz is just another recipe for disaster.“Leave him alone, amor.” Chuey says with a chuckle. Han is laughing too.“Yeah, leave me alone, Auntie Maz.”“Leave you alone? I’ll leave you alone when I’m sure you won’t fuck with my girl.”He doesn’t answer her, doesn’t promise that he won’t touch Rey or fuck with her because it would be a damn right lie. Ben knows that in his heart of hearts. If Rey came up to him and said she wanted to fuck around, he would give her everything she wanted. And the sad smile on his father’s face told Ben he knew it, too. That was probably why Han dragged Maz away with chuckles and promises to handle Ben himself.Ben turned to scan the parking lot to find Rey gone, and his heart sank. He wanted to at least say goodnight to her, but he had missed his chance. But there was always the chance that she would reach out to him again tonight, like she had almost every night before. He knew she liked to sit by her pool to smoke and drink a glass of apple juice to replace her drinking habit.“Come on, son. Let’s get you home before curfew.” Han said after he’d said goodnight to Maz and Chuey. Ben grunted and clambered into the old pickup, cell phone already in hand, just in case she texted him.“You know,” Han started again. Ben glanced over to find his dad scratching at the stubble on his chin. It was a nervous habit, one that they shared. “I know this time is rough for you. It’s been a year, after all. I was thinking if you wanted to stay with us tonight...”“What? A year since what?” Ben asked, confused.“Since the accident.”Ben’s face froze in a heartbeat as realization crashed into his like a two tonne bag of bricks. He looked at the date on cell phone. Han was right. “I hadn’t even realized.” Ben admitted.“That’s good, right? You’re over it or whatever.”Ben shook his head, then shrugged for good measure. Maybe it was. He hadn’t even thought about it lately. The event was there, etched into his mind and irritating his soul every moment of every day, just like his ever constant need to drink. It wasn’t something a person could just get over. He just thought about it less. “Yeah, maybe.”Han pulled up to the front of his apartment building and left the truck idling as they both got out. He usually walked Ben to the stairs and watched him until the front door was closed and locked, like that would somehow keep Ben from leaving as soon as the truck had pulled away. If Ben truly wanted to go get fucked up, he could. Nothing could stop him except his own will and maybe the thought of his mother’s disappointment. When they got to the stairs, Han reached out and grabbed Ben by the shoulder. He stilled and turned towards his dad, head tilting in askance.“I—uh,” Han hesitated, scratching at his chin again. “I love you, son.”Ben could count the times his dad had said those words on maybe one hand. One hand might actually be too many hands. He hadn’t even said it when Ben was in the hospital, pale and trembling from a lack of blood and shock.“I love you too, dad.”It was easy for Ben to say it. Easy because he wasn’t afraid to say it. Because it came out as easily now as a full grown man as it did when he was a ten-year-old boy with banged up knees and loose teeth. But Han looked shell shocked as he patted Ben’s shoulder and nodded. He gave him one final thump on his shoulder and turned around to stalk back to the idling pickup. Sleep wouldn’t come that night and Rey didn’t text. He lay in bed, half debating if he should try jerking off, but nothing felt right. Ben sighed, sprawled out underneath his thick duvet and reached blindly to find a blunt and lighter on his nightstand. He inhaled a puff and coughed, his throat raw. He needed to slow down on smoking weed and cigarettes; it was wreaking havoc on his lungs and throat. At some point, he had to give a shit about his health. Not tonight, though. Ben sat up and threw his legs over the edge, determined to tire his brain out.He worked out for the better part of an hour, working up an intense sweat. An hour long shower in the hottest water available didn’t calm his thoughts either. When he dried off and wrapped the towel around his hips, he let his feet take him toward his studio. A small room tucked into the corner off of his kitchen, barely large enough to hold maybe a bed and a dresser. Instead, it held his paints and canvases.A few completed works lay stacked and leaned against a wall, one or two pieces hanging on the walls and propped up against the window. He kept the blinds open so natural sunlight could pour in, just how he liked it. Ben walked in and stood in the middle of the room, eyeing a blank canvas he’d abandoned with just white primer splattered on. His brushes were ruined, paint dried up on the bristles he’d refused to clean in an act of self sabotage.Creativity and passion. Those things had dried up right around the time he’d stopped drinking. Every time he tried to do something, it hurt because it was so bad and stale. His work reeked of dispassion and regret and blankness. The stream he used to pull his work from had dried up and he had yet to figure out how to bring it back. And it was the most painful part of being sober. Not being able to pick up a brush and create like he wanted to. To feel a mental block that flashed nothingness in his brain when before it had been a relief to spill everything out on a white canvas. Building something beautiful out of nothing. His whole purpose had gone without his crutch.Ben sighed and picked up a small sketchbook he’d abandoned long ago on his stained desk in the room's corner. There was a pencil tucked into the pages, in between an abandoned sketch of a bridge and a completed sketch of his mother’s face. He turned to a blank page and headed back to his bedroom, the tip of the pencil already pressed against the sheet.Instead of sleeping—he tried to create again.“My mom wants the boys to come over for the weekend,” Poe said over the phone. Rey ashed her cigarette and nodded. He was slurring some of his words, and Rey knew he’d been drinking. With Finn, most likely. “You’ll get the house all to yourself.”“I will?” Rey asked. She looked over the hood of her SUV to where Ben and Han were talking to Maz and Chuey. “Are you working this weekend?”“The conference, Rey. It’s this weekend. I’m flying out early tomorrow morning for Boston for the conference. I’ll be back Monday evening.”“Wait, what conference? The yearly one is in December. It’s mid-June.” Rey knew for certain his conference was over the winter. There was always some issue getting in or out of Boston around that time. It was ridiculous to host a conference during the winter holidays, but they hassled with it every year. “It’s a different one. First year we’ll be attending on the company’s behalf. You know how it is,” Poe said. Of course, she thought, they would attend for the first time together. What a cover up.“You and Finn?” She asked. Her blood went ice cold in her veins, and she took a drag from the stolen cigarette to warm herself. Her eyes wandered to Ben and wished she could see how he could warm her up. “Yeah, me and Finn. Like always.” It sounded like he was smiling, happy, joking. She wondered if Finn was right next to him in his office and if they were sharing a laugh at her expense. “Yeah, like always.” Rey didn’t wait for him to say goodbye. She hung up the phone without another word uttered between them. Over the hood of her truck, she saw Ben smoking. His head is thrown back, smoke escaping from his lips, the long elegant line of his neck exposed. The skin is creamy pale and dotted with beauty marks. Rey wants to get to know each one of them personally. Kiss each one. Map them out with her fingertips and tongue. But she’s married. Married to a man who will spend a whole weekend with his lover doing god knows what. With Finn. Another person who isn’t Rey.Rey bit her lip until it hurt. Until the sharp, coppery taste of blood flooded her mouth. All while watching Ben.She’s never been much of a selfish person, but eight years of being spoiled has made her impatient. She wants Ben, and she knew for a fact that he wanted her too. That much is obvious in the way he sneaks glances at her tits and ass when he thinks she’s not looking. His eyes are always on her mouth when they’re talking.Would Ben let her do the things she’s always wanted to but couldn’t? She envisioned herself on her knees in front of him, willing to suck him off or be tied up. Fucked hard while he called her names that shouldn’t be used on ladies.But Rey is married, dammit.She sat by the edge of her pool, toes skimming the water and making ripples that travelled to the other end as she watched. There was a knot in her throat, thick and painful, that couldn’t be cleared, no matter how many times she swallowed. It’s not strange or out of place to be wanted by someone. Anyone. Rey wanted to be wanted. She wanted to be noticed, acknowledged, loved, wanted. Like in the movies, or books. Caressed by a true lover, seen by gentle eyes that are dilated with lust or love, thought of by someone. She’s never truly experienced it, even from Poe.There was nobody else before Poe, never having been one to date casually, always too focused on school or her friends. Had she known, she would’ve fucked someone else before Poe. Or maybe avoided him and buried herself even further into her books and work. Not everything about the relationship was bad, but it hurt so much. It all hurt so much. Being passed up and ignored. Traded in for someone else. First it was the job, then it was him—Finn. And why shouldn’t she do the same? Her husband was going away for a whole weekend to fuck someone else, to laugh at her with his lover, who he had the audacity to bring into her home where she and their children slept. Why couldn’t Rey do the same? Her mind wandered back to Ben. Tall, dark, and handsome Ben with his pouty lips and wide shoulders. His thickly muscled and solid chest that served as a perfect place to shed her tears. She closed her eyes and let herself fall backwards until the back of her head hit the concrete tiles that surrounded the pool. It smelled like chlorine and salt down there. Such a sharp contrast to the heady smell of Ben’s skin that was engraved in her mind now. Smoke and weed and coffee. Would he fuck her if she asked nicely? Rey turned to look at her phone where it lay discarded next to a glass of orange juice. It’s been a few days since she’s felt the full force of a craving, but she’s faced head on with a wave of need for a good stiff drink. Not wine. Straight up tequila or vodka to mix with the juice so she can just reach that point where everything feels soft and unproblematic. She wished she could drink until she forgot about Poe and Finn and the shape of Ben’s lips. The next day, Rey dressed up before the meeting with conquest in mind.Poe left early that morning with a small duffel bag and dark circles under his eyes. He hadn’t bothered saying goodbye, and she only woke up because she smelled his cologne after he’d sprayed it. Ever since she’d watched him leave that morning, all she could concentrate on was getting what she wanted out of Ben. She would have what she wanted.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Ben frowns down at his phone when it goes just as he’s toweling off from a shower. He expects it to be his dad saying he’s running late but no—it’s Rey.
WANT TO KEEP ME COMPANY WHILE I SMOKE POT FOR THE FIRST TIME?
He grins. He can’t help it. All he can think about is how cute she’s going to look with a soft smile and reddened eyes. It’s a good and rare excuse to see her outside of the meetings. They haven’t spent any time alone. Not since she cried on his shirt at the restaurant and that hardly counted because it didn’t last long enough. Ben had been on edge since the night before. All his thoughts were consumed by Rey. It was like a disease, but one he was happy to be infected with. She crawled under his skin and made a home in his chest cavity. If it wasn’t for the sanctity of group and her sham of a marriage, he would’ve asked her out by now. Probably even fucked her. That was all he could think about, too. Fucking her. He’d imagined all the ways he would make her come. All the ways he could ruin her body. He kept wondering how she liked it—rough and passionate or sweet and tender. Or how she’d look when he filled her up with his cum. He typed back a response. A loud and emphatic:
SURE MEET ME THERE?
Han would not be happy if they snuck away to smoke pot somewhere. Maz would beat him to death if they did it in the hall or even near it. He could bring her to his apartment, but it felt like inviting her into a lion’s den. The idea of her here, so near his bed, alone with him, was exciting but terrifying. He might not keep it in his pants then. Things might escalate out of his grasp.
HOW ABOUT I PICK YOU UP?
THAT WORKS.
He texted her the address to his apartment and ignored the prickles of guilt crawling up his body. Even his erection shrank away. It’d been a year now since he could drive. Not just legally, but the idea of being behind the wheel of a vehicle made his throat tight with panic. If Han hadn’t mentioned it the night before, Ben would’ve let the anniversary come and go without noticing. He was very much not over it yet, but at least he could use his time with Rey to ignore his pain. The one nestled in his ribs and stomach. Before Han can head out to pick him up, Ben calls him. Han picks up on the second ring and Leia is hollering up a storm in the background, already complaining about Ben not visiting enough. He pulls the phone away from his ear, wincing at the guilt she’s lobbing at him from miles away. “I got a ride to group. Don’t worry about picking me up.” He wants the call over with quickly so he can get dressed and shave the stubble that’s been growing on his cheeks and chin the past few days. “From who? You’re not skipping out, are you? You’ve been doing so good.” Han sounds worried and a little annoyed. Ben exhales, rolling his eyes as he leans in close to the bathroom mirror to examine the circles under his eyes. He should really get more sleep somehow. “No, dad. I’ll be there.” “I was meeting up with Chuey and Maz, anyhow. Cancel the ride.” He can’t blame his dad for not completely trusting him. “Dad, I promise. Don’t pick me up.” Ben wished he could scream it over the phone. Let me see her when no one else is looking! He wants to see Rey undone and unguarded, even if it’s just for a little while. There’s so much of her he can’t have, and this might be one of the few chances he has. There’s a crackling deep sigh from Han that’s distorted by the phone. “Fine,” he says. “Fine. But I’ll see you there, Benjamin.” He spies her suv pulling into the parking lot from his bedroom window. His phone goes off with a text from her just as he’s flying out of the door. She’s still looking at the phone screen when he raps his knuckles on the passenger window. Rey looks up like a scared bunny, tense and fearful. Ben looks scary sometimes, and he knows it. More than one woman has crossed the street rather than pass him by on lonely streets. It’s not just that he’s built like a battering ram, thick and wide, but his face just looks like a villain’s with his beak-like nose and angry pout. The bruise-like dark circles under his eyes don’t help him much either. Rey should be scared him. He’s not a good man. Hardly even a person. He’s covetous, wrathful, depressed, and deeply troubled. If it wasn’t for the few thin strands keeping him tied to life, he wouldn’t be around. There’s so much about him that would scare her away. And yet, Rey unlocks the doors and smiles wide when he opens the door. He pauses, looking at her bare shoulders and thighs. There’s a lot of skin on display and he’s surprised by it. There’s a little cardigan thrown over the center console that she would probably throw on for the meeting and its chilly atmosphere. The old heads keep it colder than hell in there. But there’s a lot of her to look at. The dress barely covers her tan legs, and he’s oddly obsessed with the shape of her collarbones and the dusting of freckles there. “Hey,” she says. He snaps out of it and clears his throat before clambering in. The seat is a little too forward for his legs and he’s forced to let them sprawl open to accommodate his, now very tight feeling, balls and cock. He gives her a mumbled greeting and paws around his pockets for a lighter and his cigarettes.Normally, he would ask permission before lighting up in someone else’s car, but her pack is balanced precariously on her beautiful thigh and there’s an ashtray with an extinguished cigarette already in there. And he needs something to distract him and cool him down. This was probably a mistake. Being in close quarters and alone with Rey is too much when he can’t do anything he wants. Rey drives off and they settle into a deep quiet. They’re headed towards the hall where group is. “Might want to park somewhere not too close to group.” She hums in agreement, and Ben puffs away at his cigarette until he hits the filter. It tastes acrid in his mouth and he’d much rather taste her. The back of the hall faces an abandoned lot with a dilapidated old building no one uses, except squatters sometimes. She parks facing it and leaves the truck idling. Ben takes it as a signal to reach for the pack on her leg so he can light up one of the joints he gave her. “I’m surprised you didn’t smoke one sooner,” he says when he notices all three joints are still in the box. “I imagined you by your pool with your apple juice, getting high while your husband got all angry.” Rey chuckled and turns on the radio. She turns it to a pop station and turns it down low enough so it’s just background noise. The melody is catchy and high energy. Not at all what he wants right now. But what he wants right now can’t really happen, so he settles for this. Rey leans in, elbows and forearms propped on the console. She’s close enough that he feels like he’s drowning in her perfume. He wants to drown in all of her. “Do you imagine me a whole lot, Ben?”
Yes. Every single second of the damn day.
“I wouldn’t say a whole lot.” He lights up the joint and takes a quick hit before passing it to her. “Hit it slow, doll.” He watches as she inhales, a bit of smoke curling out of the corners of her mouth. It does something to him, watching her be a little naughty, doing something they both know her husband is against. “Hold it in for just a bit.” He nods to tell her to exhale. “Good girl.” Ben takes the joint and hits it again, this time taking a longer drag. He’s going to be pretty damned stoned to handle all of this. “How long until it kicks in?” Rey sounds breathy and her words shake a little. Stealing a glance at her face and chest, he notices how flushed she looks. There’s a healthy glow to her cheeks. Natural, not enhanced by the makeup she usually wears. As much as he wishes that he’d made her blush so deeply, Ben knows it’s because of the weed. He’s still entranced by it, though. It’s a memory he’ll file away for later when he’s in bed, alone and unable to fall asleep, with his cock in his hand. “Here. Give it a few minutes and see how you feel.” Never in his life did he think he’d be teaching some suburbanite stay at home wife how to hit a blunt, but there he was. Watching said woman wrap her pretty pink lips around something that wasn’t him. Ben was fucked. Just not in the way he wanted to be. They sat in her SUV, passing his blunt back and forth. Rose had already texted her to say she would pick up the boys and take them to Poe’s parents for the weekend. Poe had texted her to say he had arrived in Boston, except his location was pinging in the city still. Specifically, in an apartment building she was familiar with—Finn’s. Ben had one long leg propped up on her dash and she didn’t bother admonishing him or mind the scuffs from his boots. It was kind of charming, she thought, how he always lounged and made himself obscenely comfortable wherever.“Got plans with your family for the weekend?” Rey asked to break the silence. He grunted in response, waving the blunt away when she tried to pass it back. Instead, he lit another cigarette. “You don’t spend time with them?” She tried for small talk again. “Yeah, sometimes. Not always.”His response was dissatisfying. To be perfectly honest, Rey wanted one thing from him and she was getting to where she didn’t care anymore. Consequences be damned. Maybe it was the pot or maybe it was mania driving her, but she twisted in her seat, bringing one leg up so she could rest her cheek on her bare knee. There was no missing the way Ben’s eyes tracked the length of her legs when the skirt of her dress fell away. He cleared his throat and turned towards the window, revealing his long and slender neck. It probably tasted salty and sweet and delicious. “Ben, can I ask you something?” “You’ve already asked me a bunch of stuff, but go ahead.” “Can I suck your dick?” Ben went statue still in his seat, and she wasn’t even sure if he was breathing until he sucked in a breath like he was injured. “Fucking excuse me?” He said in a strained voice. Rey tried not to laugh but failed, a small chuckle escaping her lips. She repeated the question, this time dragging out each syllable and over enunciating, “Can-I-suck-your-dick?” Ben turned to look at her ever so slowly. Slowly enough that she had time to study the wideness of his eyes, the pout of his mouth, the flaring of his nostrils. A smile crept on her face, making her cheeks ache with the intensity of it. Even her teeth felt like they were vibrating with the smile. “You’re fucking with me.” “I’m not fucking with you. I genuinely want to suck your dick.” “Why?” His voice dripped with disbelief. Rey shrugged, not exactly sure how to explain all the thoughts that crowded her head. She just wanted. “I’ve never done it and I want to. With you.” “Fuck you, Rey.” She gaped at the sudden and rude exclamation, then laughed at the bluntness of his statement. He stared at her with a mix of horror and disbelief. “I’m serious,” she said after her laughter had died down. Ben rubbed at the bridge of his nose, shaking his head. He probably still didn’t believe her. He probably thought she was being a tease. Rey was a small woman, slender and taller than average but still small enough to fit in the space between his legs. Climbing over the seats and into his lap was easy enough. Ben inhaled sharply through his teeth, a pained and sharp sound, when she slid down and into the small space between his legs. “Oh, shit,” he hissed. Rey’s hands found the lever underneath the seat and pushed it all the way back, his legs spreading further to accommodate her. Hands smoothing up the thick expanse of his thighs, she aimed for his belt buckle, movements slow so he could push her away at any point. He hadn’t said yes yet, but he also wasn’t stopping her. His eyes were wide, lips parted as his breathing got quicker and louder. She laid a finger on the button of his jeans, arching an eyebrow up at him in question. “Are you sure you want this?” His voice was shaky and breathy, husky and dark, like he was barely on this side of restraint. “There’s no going back if you do.” Rey nodded. She hadn’t been this sure of something before now. “Do you want me to?” The sudden wave of self consciousness and hatred was dizzying, ebbing inside of her and causing her to shrink back a little. If Ben noticed, he didn’t address it. “There’s nothing I want more right now than your pretty little lips around my cock, baby.”And just like that, the wave was gone, replaced by a rush of desire the likes of which she had never felt. Something lit inside of her, a fire, a resounding want and need. It spurred her on, made her finger jump into action to undo the button and zipper of jeans. Ben was already hard and straining against the silky fabric of his briefs, black—because of course they would match his all black ensemble. She really didn’t know what to do when it came to oral sex, there was no lie there, but there was no better way of learning the act now, debased as she was—high and on her knees in a shady parking lot with this big man spread out before her. His eyes were heavy-lidded as he watched her delve into his pants. She wrapped her fingers around the softest, thickest dick she’d ever felt. It was difficult not to gasp as she pulled out his cock. Thick and flushed the same shade of pink as his plush lips, it was heavier and definitely more than what she was used to or expecting. Her mouth watered and she swallowed, giving him an experimental tug. Ben groaned in response, deep and loud enough to make her pussy throb at the sound. One of his big hands flew out to touch the top of her head, curling around her hair ever so delicately, like she would break. She leaned into his touch, turning her head to catch the skin of his wrists between her lips and laid a kiss there, like the gentle lover she wanted to be. She moved forward and brought her face closer to the thick swollen head of his cock, hell bent on savoring the salty fragrance of his skin. Her tongue came out and licked his cockhead and his hips jerked forward, dick nudging against her lips and hitting her teeth. Ben moved his hand to cup her jaw, thumb brushing against her bottom lip. He looked fierce, eyes burning into her and fuck if she didn’t love the way he looked at her. “Open your mouth.” The deepness of his voice did something to her, made her pussy clench. She did as she was told and opened up for him. “Wide. Tongue out.” She wanted nothing more than to obey, so that was exactly what she did. When her tongue poked out, relaxed and soft, he guided her head down onto his hard length. “Just like that, doll.” His cock was velvet-smooth and tangy but so fucking good. She let her lips stretch out around him, taking him as deep as she would dare. When her inexperienced mouth couldn’t take any more, she looked up to see Ben red cheeked and wild above her with his eyes wide as if he was enraptured. The sight of someone—especially Ben—so undone by her actions spurred her and she relaxed her throat, willing herself on. Take it all, she taunted herself, take all of it and watch him lose his shit. “Fuck,” he moaned above her when she got near the base of his dick. Taking all of him was almost impossible. She pulled away, dragging her lips against the soft skin of his dick and reveling in the sensation. A moan escaped her lips as she savored everything about Ben, her pussy begging to be touched. She spread her knees wider so she could slip a hand inside of her panties and circle her clit. Ben caught sight of her movements. “I want to see,” he said, one booted foot tapping on her thigh. He reached down to grab the hem of her dress and pulled it over her head in one motion. Underneath, she wore only her panties, nothing else. Ben seemed to be pleased as fucking Punch, because he immediately grinned. He leaned back in the seat, watching her resume her slow licking and sucking while touching herself. Despite all of her inexperience, it all seemed to work for Ben. He moaned and stroked her hair and cheeks, occasionally saying something so filthy it made her hand move over her clit faster, made her more determined to keep her head bobbing over his dick. “You’re a fucking natural at this, doll. Look at you, taking so much of my cock in your mouth, and touching yourself. Such a beautiful little slut. Beautiful, perfect little thing.” When she moaned and her rhythm went off kilter, he noticed immediately, eyes drinking in her blissed out expression. She was tearing up with her efforts, tears and makeup blurring down her face. She was a mess because of him and so fucking close to breaking. “Are you going to come with my cock in your mouth? Yes? Fuck, baby, I want to fuck your face while you come.” She came. An explosion of pleasure licking up her spine and fluttering her cunt around an infuriating emptiness. Her mouth never left his cock because he never let her. Ben grabbed a fistful of her hair in each hand and guided her head up and down as she moaned around his dick, fucking her face until he was growling and coming in her mouth. Thick and viscous, hot and salty, his cum filled her mouth as he pulled his still hard dick out of her mouth. She wasn’t sure if it was to be swallowed, but there was nowhere to spit it out either. And spitting seemed like a waste of his perfectly good cum. It didn’t taste bad; it was just a lot. “Open your mouth and show me, baby,” he said in between pants. Rey looked up at him. Still a wreck—both of them were. When she took too long, he reached down and grabbed her face with a firm hand, squeezing until her mouth popped open and he made a sound like a purring cat deep in his chest. Content and spent, he patted her cheek. “Good girl. Swallow my cum.” And she did, eager to please him as she was.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Her body was still buzzing when they walked into the meeting hall. She was slick between her legs and floating while Ben seemed to have an extra bounce to his step, another cigarette hanging from his lips. It was still early, but Han, Chuey, and Maz were all there already, gathered at one of the long white tables with coffee cups sitting in front of them. Han was the first to catch sight of them when they walked in together, eyebrows nearly disappearing into his gray hair. Rey hoped to whatever higher power was in the room that it wasn’t obvious Ben had just face fucked her in the parking lot. “I was wondering who the hell was going to give this asshole a ride,” Han said roughly from his seat next to Chuey. The other two sponsors looked over at them, saying nothing. Rey excused herself to the bathroom while Ben stayed behind and got coffee, promising to make hers unbearably sweet while wearing an easy smile on his face. She silently implored him to not make it too obvious. Maz’s heavy gaze was on her as she headed straight for the bathroom. The woman in the mirror staring back at Rey looked rough—mascara and eyeliner pooled in the creases under her eyes, lips red and swollen. She looked…well, fucked. The sun visor hadn’t done a good enough job of showing just how used Rey looked. A thrill shot down her body, making her body shudder. Ben had done that to her. Ruined her makeup, stretched out her mouth, messed up her hair while forcing her to take his cock down her throat. It was worth it, though. Rey had loved every moment of it. She tried her best to fix her face with makeup wipes and lipstick from her purse, erasing any evidence of Ben’s dick. The bathroom door swung open and Maz stepped in, waddling on her short legs. Her all-seeing eyes bored into Rey, magnified by the thick lenses. “Are you involved with Benjamin?” Maz asked. Rey’s grip on her lipstick slipped, and she accidentally smeared it. She stuttered, but Maz cut her off. “Look, honey. It’s never a good idea to start something when you’re in recovery. Especially the beginning. You’re emotional, unstable, a fucking mess.” Guilt prickled just under Rey’s skin and sank its claws into her stomach. At least Maz hadn’t pointed out the obvious. That Rey was married, and that what she and Ben were doing was wrong. No matter how good it felt to finally have someone look at her like was worth something, it was wrong. She should feel bad. Even if she didn’t. “But—” “No buts, honey. No buts about it. It’s a bad idea. Trust me. Don’t get involved with that boy. What happens when you get busted, huh? What happens when he wants to go out with some other girl and he washes his hands of you? Will you be strong enough to not go back to drinking?” Rey felt like a fish out of water, her mouth opening and closing as her brain tried to catch up to Maz’s words. “I don’t know—” “I know you don’t know, sweetheart. That’s why I’m telling you now. Don’t fuck around with Benjamin Solo.” Ben set the styrofoam cup in front of Rey. She was sitting at the women’s table close to Maz, biting at her thumbnail and shaking her leg underneath the table. “You good?” He asked her quietly as he took a seat next to her. Hazel eyes flickered to him and she grimaced. Ben stiffened in his chair, suddenly hyper aware that he was breaching traditional meeting protocol by sitting next to her. But it was too late. If he moved now, it would bring more attention to the awkwardness of his situation. He leaned back and let his book fall to the table with a thud. Ignoring the fact that Rey hadn’t answered him, he turned his attention to his too hot coffee. Steam curled above the rim, and he watched it move, his mind replaying what happened in Rey’s truck. The way she’d come, how her lips looked on his cock, the desperate little sounds she made while trying to fit it all in her mouth. He pulled out a cigarette to distract himself and almost offered one to Rey, but she was already grabbing the box and helping herself. He chuckled quietly at the way she now automatically just helped herself to his stuff: politeness and niceties long gone. Ben wanted her to be like that around him, welcomed the idea, craved it even. Especially after what happened in her truck.Staying at the meeting was a waste of time when he couldn’t focus on anything anyone said, but he had no choice. He parroted their words back like usual, his mind full of Rey. She sat quietly, smoking and drinking the coffee he’d made for her. Nobody said anything to Ben directly, but Han had sighed loudly and given him a pointed look that said he knew something was going on. Ben couldn’t help it if he was just a little too close to Rey now, despite all the eyes on them. That should’ve been enough. Those few moments of pure unadulterated bliss with her crouched between his legs should have satisfied the gaping raw hole in his chest, but it wanted more of her. Needed more of her. The blowjob had only ignited something else, something even needier. He leaned forward while someone was talking, invading her space and capturing the hem of that too short dress between his fingertips. He tugged on it, wanting her attention, desperate for it. When she turned, an eyebrow raised in question, he mouthed—‘Are you okay?’. Ben wanted to make sure she was okay. That he hadn’t fucked up somehow. That she didn’t think it was all a mistake and didn’t hate him for taking so much from her. Most of her makeup was gone, but she’d reapplied that pink lipstick that made her look so cherubic and soft. He liked that color on her. Liked it even more when it was on his cock. It was all his fault that she’d had to take off the makeup and tie her hair back. He’d ruined it when he lost control. Maybe she didn’t like it rough. She hadn’t complained, but maybe it hadn’t been okay to treat her like that. It was her first time sucking a cock, and she’d made it really clear. “I’ve never done it before and I want to do it with you.” He should’ve been more gentle with her. She was worth being gentle for, even if his everything screamed towards violence and hardness and claiming. She looked sad. Her eyes went back to the speaker, but she snatched her cell phone from its place in her purse, slung over a chair. Ben didn’t want to let go of her dress. He wanted to crumple it in his fist and see if he could tear the fabric with just his nails. Tear it off of her. Show everyone those pretty little tits of hers with their precious rosebud nipples. He could claim her in front of everyone and god, rip that gaudy ring off her finger. Whatever man she was married to didn’t deserve her. She was wasted on him. What kind of man didn’t let such a beautiful girl suck his dick? Rey had looked at him like she’d never seen a cock so personally. Wonder and curiosity sparking in those beautiful eyes. Thin, clever, little fingers stroking every part of his member, tongue tasting every inch with a hunger he’d never seen before. Rey had seemed to like at the moment, but maybe he had read it all so wrong. Her fingers stabbed at the phone furiously, sending off messages back to back. Fuck. Had he fucked up that badly? What had he done?Ben couldn’t help the wobble from his lower lip as something grew in his stomach. Regret. Fear. Self loathing. Such familiar feelings. The same that had driven him to madness a year ago. His phone went off in his pocket and he had no choice but to pull away from Rey’s dress and fish it out.
IT WAS FUCKING AMAZING. YOUR DICK IS SO PRETTY. THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME SUCK IT.
CAN WE PLEASE DO IT AGAIN SOMETIME?
AND I THINK MAZ KNOWS.
Ben’s heart exploded in his chest, relief washing over him like a bucket of ice cold water. Rey didn’t hate him. Rey thought his dick was pretty, and she wanted to suck it again, and she was thanking him like he’d bestowed a special privilege on her. He should thank her. Ben put the phone down on the table and pulled out another cigarette to chain smoke himself to death. It was necessary now. Rey would probably kill him sooner than the cigarettes would—with her words and her mouth. Once he was more calm from the nicotine, Ben picked up his phone to message her back.
ANYTIME AND ANYWHERE YOU WANT DOLL
AND MAZ ALWAYS KNOWS EVERYTHING.
“See you, Ben.”Rey smiled at him, her keys in hand, once the prayer time was over and everyone was filing towards the door. Ben could practically feel Maz’s eyes stabbing him in the back of his head as he waved at Rey. They hadn’t had the chance to talk about anything besides the messages exchanged between them. How he was supposed to go back to his empty apartment and somehow live knowing that he couldn’t have Rey with him right that second, he didn’t know. Ben watched her go, his eyes glued to the swell of her ass in the peach colored dress she wore. Did she pick out her clothes before every meeting, intending to drive him mad? He wondered if Rey had known she would be on her knees with his cock in her mouth when she put on that dress. Had she texted him with that specific intention in mind? He let out a small laugh when the realization hit him that yes, Rey had probably known what would happen between them long before he did. He gave her one last longing look, committing the exact shape of her body to memory, before turning around and running right into his dad. Han had a look of pure amusement on his face, with a little of disbelief mixed in. Soft blue eyes stared him down, his lips twisted into one of those smirks Leia said they both shared. “It’s that damned Solo smirk. You two will be the death of me.” “Boy, we need to talk.” Ben tried to contain his eye roll. He really did. “Dad…” “No. This is happening. Let’s get in the truck. Come on.” He groaned, completely unwilling to have whatever conversation Han felt like having. He knew what it was going to be, but really didn’t want to deal with it. Ben wanted to go home, be alone, mull over what had transpired between him and Rey, replay every moment behind his eyelids. Still, he shuffled forward, dragging his feet the whole way while ignoring Maz and her damned eyes. Chuey had a look on his face that spoke a thousand words. Mind reading wasn’t necessary to decipher what those two had to say. Chuey was well versed in using his mean mug to communicate his displeasure clearly enough. And Maz was just Maz. Ben already knew she was pissed off that he’d fucked with Rey. She’d warned him plenty already. But he’d still gone off and done what he wasn’t supposed to.When Ben and Han were both inside of the pickup, Han started it up and pulled out of the parking lot. There was a tense silence between them, with Han staring straight ahead the whole time. He was obviously trying to come up with a way to tell Ben off. “Benjamin,” he started. Ben grimaced. He hated hearing his full name come out of his dad’s mouth. It always meant serious things were being said. “You’re a grown man. You’re what, twenty five? Twenty six?” “I’m thirty four, dad.” Han turned to look at him with surprise etched into his brow. “Really? Jesus, Ben. You should already know then! Rey is married. She’s a married woman, for Christ’s sake. With children.” “I know.” Ben was very, very acutely aware of the fact that Rey technically belonged to another man. A stupid, stupid man that couldn’t do right by her. An undeserving idiot. “I know, dad.” “Married women are off limits. And married women who are part of your group are doubly off limits. You could get kicked out for that.” Ben bit his cheek. Han was the voice of reason in this situation, but that didn’t mean Ben had to listen to him. Even if it made perfect sense. “Can’t get kicked out if we don’t get caught.” He felt like a teenager all over again. Rebelling at the drop of a hat, unyielding and unwilling to see reason. “Of course you’ll get caught, Ben. You couldn’t keep your hands or eyes off of her today. Walking in with a skip in your step like that? Making her coffee? Texting and giggling in the middle of it? Come on, Ben.” Ben scrubbed at his face, groaning loudly in the small stretch of silence between them. He knew it was wrong. And Rey probably knew it, too. But did it matter in the long run? All he wanted was something and someone to care for him the way nobody else could. Ben was fucking lonely. He was alone. Even with his parents, group, Chuey and Maz. None of that mattered because they weren’t what he needed. What he needed was someone who looked at him the way Rey did. That texted him all throughout the day to crack stupid jokes, or talk about what birds were in her backyard. He needed the fucking warmth of her skin against his. Her perfume surrounding him. His parents had each other. They had what they needed right there, at home, within reach. Day in and day out. Ben was alone. Every single fucking day, he was alone. Shut up inside, ticking down the time until he could finally die, buried under his bedsheets and mountains of failed paintings and drawings. And his many, many mistakes. He wanted to scream. Punch his father in the gut. Open the door while they were going down the road and throw himself out. These were only part of the feelings that led to the accident. Overwhelming and sudden. They drowned out everything else, choking him up and making him want to just stop existing. Ben pushed the heel of his palm against his closed eyes until bursts of intense colors swam in the pitch black of his mind. They ached. He ached. His chest ached. Everything was tight. “I know, dad.” He uttered the words after a few seconds had passed. “Do you?” Ben’s phone vibrated in his pocket and he dug it up. To his complete and utter relief, it was Rey. The only person besides his dad who ever texted him. Or contacted him at all, really. He exhaled sharply at the words on his screen. Blinked a few times and reread them repeatedly until they made sense. It was a simple question that he could answer with just one word.
DO YOU WANT TO FUCK ME?
YES
Another question came through immediately. Another stupidly simple answer.
CAN WE FUCK TONIGHT?
YES
“I just don’t want you to get hurt.” Han sounded drained and weary. Ben looked up from Rey’s messages to his dad. “Your mother and I can’t go through that again. Last year…” “I know, dad.” They pulled up to Ben’s apartment complex. Rey’s truck was there, parked all the way in the corner, obscured by his neighbor’s Kia and a bush. But Han was eagle eyed and smart as a whip. Ben knew he saw it as immediately as Ben did. “But do you really, son?” No. Ben didn’t know what they were doing, or what would happen. All Ben knew was that he couldn’t get over the married housewife with her sweet perfume and pink lipped smiles.“I’ll see you tomorrow, dad.” Ben climbed out of Han’s pickup and didn’t look back as he marched straight up to the stairs that lead to his apartment. Where Rey was waiting for him.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Did it really matter if she was in the wrong for driving to Ben’s house with the sole intent of continuing their affair? Poe was with Finn now. They’d been together all day long. She’d seen Poe’s location go from Finn’s apartment to the next town over, and was now pinging from a bed-and-breakfast. They were having a nice time together; she was sure of it. So was it really that terrible for her to text Ben with express purpose of getting fucked by him? Out of everything that she needed, seeing Ben was at the top of the list. She needed to feel wanted. She needed to know what it felt like to be held by those strong arms, kissed by those plush lips, fucked by that pretty cock she’d had in her mouth a few hours ago. By now, the high from the pot had worn off. She was still oddly relaxed and loose, but the fuzzy giddiness had worn off by now. So she was mainly sober when she pulled up to Ben’s apartment and shot off those messages to him.She asked him politely. Do you want to fuck me? Can we fuck tonight? His reply was swift and direct. More direct than her questions. Yes. Rey stood outside of his door, not feeling even a little foolish. She was ready to take that next step in what was sure to be a long line of mistakes. Mistakes that she craved. If they unraveled her life and caused everything to burn down, then so be it. If Poe didn’t care about destroying their marriage and her life and feelings, then why the fuck should she care? She heard Ben approaching before seeing him, his heavy steps loud as he walked up the metal and cement steps. Han had probably driven him home, like he did for every group meeting. She could only hope that he hadn’t noticed her truck parked. “Rey.” He said her name like it was a relief to see her. His keys were already in his hand. Under any other circumstances, Rey would’ve been awkward or unsure of herself and her actions, but that night she was determined to get what she wanted. What she came to Ben for. Him. All of him. She surged forward, grabbing him by the collar and pulling hard until he stumbled forward and pushed her against the apartment door. His body was hard and hot, his lips soft and wet as she kissed him. He let out a small surprised sound, freezing for a moment, then wrapping his arms around her waist. His mouth moved over hers, slowly at first, but gaining in desperation with each passing millisecond until his tongue was sweeping past her lips and over hers. Ben kissed like there was nothing left for them to do. Like it was the only thing keeping them alive. And Rey, having never felt that level of passion from someone before, could only stand there and take it, reveling in the deep growling sounds he made and the way he crushed her to him. She was nothing but a mess in his arms, boneless and breathless while he devoured her. His hands were everywhere. They trailed over her sides, squeezed at her hips, gently caressed her neck and jaw, cupping her cheeks so gently that Rey wanted to fall apart. All she could do was cling to him, her hands threatening to his t-shirt with how tightly they held on. She tugged at the fabric, trying to signal her need for more. More of him. More of this. More of whatever he wanted to give her. Ben responded by breaking away, panting and wild eyed as he fumbled with the keys and the doorknob. When he finally got the door open, they stumbled into a darkened living room. It was small and simple, but Rey didn’t care about studying his living space at the moment. He was on her again as soon as the door slammed shut. The keys fell to the ground with a clatter, her purse following behind them. It was a race between them to see who could strip the other the fastest. Both of them were eager and ready to expose every inch of flesh. Rey lifted her arms to let Ben snatch her dress over her head. Her hands were on the fastenings of his jeans, already reaching in to touch the heated skin of his hard cock. “Bedroom,” he murmured against her neck while licking at the skin right under her ear. She let herself be pushed back, trusting him completely to guide her way while she stroked his cock with one hand and tried to rip his shirt away with the other. They were a mess of desperate limbs and neediness, stumbling in his dark apartment towards his bed. When Ben was fully naked and had her standing at the edge of his bed, they finally stopped, eyes meeting for a brief second, while they panted together. He didn’t need to ask it out loud. Rey knew what the question in his eyes was. Was she sure about this? Rey nodded. Yes. This was probably the only time in her whole life that she’d been wholeheartedly sure about anything, ever. She was just a lonely woman trying to fill herself with a caring man. A man who clearly wanted her for who she really was. Faults and all. Ben had met her at her worst, when she was in the throes of withdrawal, shaky and pale and constantly crying. Maybe they hadn’t talked back then or known each other very well, but he had seen the emotional wreck that she was. And despite all of that, Ben was there, large strong hands on her shoulders, gently easing her back to fall onto his bed. He covered her with his body, parted her legs with his hips, staring down at her with eyes wide open. “Fuck, you’re so beautiful, Rey.” Those words knocked the breath out of her. She arched into his touch, spreading her legs wider for him. The head of his cock nudged against her opening, dipping into her slowly. He buried his face in her neck, pausing for a moment and inhaling deeply.“I’ve thought about this every day since I first saw you.” He moved back, angling himself to kiss her, teasing her mouth open so he could lick against her tongue while he pressed himself into her slowly. Filling her at a torturous pace, stretching her open with every inch of his thick cock. It was too much and not enough at the same time. The deep moan he let out when he was fully seated in her pussy was almost too much. Just knowing that he was as undone as she was made her clench. Rey couldn’t help the sounds she made as he pulled out and rocked back in. Like his kiss, Ben started slowly but worked up to a desperate pace. He was big enough that it felt like the wind was being knocked out of her lungs with every frantic thrust of his hips. It didn’t help that he crowded her, his mouth sealed over hers, his arms holding her impossibly close. She couldn’t think anymore, only feel. The beginning of an orgasm was quickly building in her lower belly. It had always been a fleeting thing during sex. Fickle and weak. But with Ben pounding into her, she could feel it ebbing inside of her. Climbing to shatter her apart. She could always make herself come when she was alone with her hands and fingers, but never during sex. It was a dangerous feeling. Overwhelming and burning her body.He moved her knee higher up, closer to her chest, and reached down between them to circle her clit. Rey whimpered and tried to move closer to him. She wanted more of him inside of her, even though she was full to the brim. He tested her limits, stretched her impossibly wide, but still she wanted him to crawl inside her body completely. With a few more strokes, she was screaming herself raw as she came. He rained praises on her, his mouth sucking a bruise on her shoulder as she writhed underneath him, muscles fluttering and clenching around his cock. His hips stuttered and sped up. He didn’t let up from her clit even though she was overstimulated and begging him. “Ben, please. Please, Ben. Ben.” “What, baby? What do you need?” His voice was impossibly low and deep, cracking with strain. She was wailing loud enough that it should’ve been embarrassing. But she couldn’t help it. Not when it felt this good to have him so deep inside of her. “You. I need you to come. Come inside of me, please.” “Fuck,” he growled. His fingers circled faster, his hips slamming into her hard enough that the bed protested. “You want my cum, doll? Want me to fill you up?” She nodded, barely able to comprehend words anymore. He had her right on the edge again. Ben came just as he'd pushed her over the edge again His cock buried as far deep as he could go. It throbbed in her pussy, each twitch sending an exploding heat that made her clench. It was the feeling of being filled, coupled with his deep animal like moans in her ear that sent her over.She clung to him while her climax consumed her from head to toe, not willing to let him go while she rode on wave after wave of pleasure. And throughout it, Ben held on tight. He stilled, chest rising and falling with heavy breathing. Their bodies were covered in a fine sheen of sweat, thighs and hips slick with their each other’s fluids. It should’ve grossed her out. Stuff like that usually did. But with Ben, she found herself not caring about any of it. He rolled off her, flopping back on his back and dragging her with him, so she landed on her side tucked in under his sweaty arm. Rey threw her leg around his waist, craving nearness and touch. Through the haze of their aftermath, she peered up at him. Their eyes met. A slow, soft smile spread across Ben’s lips. She let out a small laugh. Ben just looked so peaceful and soft, something completely new to her. She was used to his easy smiles and the sound of his chuckles, dry and sarcastic. But this? This was a satisfied, sleepy, blissed out Ben. And that was one of the most beautiful things she’d ever laid eyes on. Her heart swelled in her chest, thumping away like a galloping stallion. It bounced around in her ribcage and made her want to choke on nothing. They’d only known each other for a handful of weeks, but Rey knew that this would be the peak of her life. “My husband is out of town for the weekend,” she said, unable to stop the words from tumbling out of her mouth. Ben’s smile slipped a bit, a wrinkle returning to his brow. She panicked and sat up to crawl up his body so she could kiss it away. “I meant that I’m free. Until Monday evening.” “That’s good.” It really was. It meant that she could spend all her time with Ben. Nobody would be at the house. Not the kids, or even Rosa. She could take her time, get to know him and everything about him. What made him tick and smile and how to make him happy? She wanted to memorize every part of his body, what made him come the quickest. “Is he on a work trip or something?” Ben asked. Rey shifted her body, so her knees were on either side of his hips, his soft, sticky wet cock trapped between their stomachs. “No. He’s with his lover. A coworker named Finn.” “And you’re okay with it? That’s very progressive of you. Wait, does he know about this?” Now his frown was back in full force. Confused and alarmed.Rey shook her head. “No. He’s cheating on me with Finn. He claims they’re at a conference, but I know they’re not. And…I guess I’m cheating on him with you?” His mouth opened and closed, like he was searching for something to say but obviously at a loss for words. Rey didn’t blame him. It was a strange and complicated situation. His mouth finally snapped shut, and he gave her a full on grin. “Is it wrong that I like being the other man?”There was so much about Ben took her by surprise. This was one of those moments. Instead of answering him, she kissed him. She wanted to bask in the afterglow of their first fuck, feel his warm body against hers for the whole weekend.“Can I stay here for the weekend?” She asked when they broke away to catch some air. Ben nodded, his eyes lighting up instantly. “Yes. Please. You don’t know how long I’ve wanted you.”His simple words left her breathless. Wanted. He wanted her.
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Ben traced small circles on Rey’s back while they listened to the sound of rain pelting against the windows of his apartment. It was tranquil. Perfect. His movements seemed to match the sound of the howling wind outside. The storm had started out of nowhere, taking them both completely by surprise.Not that it mattered. They wouldn’t be leaving the apartment tonight. The whole night was theirs for now, and this was the most peace she’d felt in far too long, so she didn’t want to leave, anyway. Just listening to the sound of his breathing, feeling the warmth of his body as he pressed closer to her, the faint buzz of her skin as it echoed still with the aftershocks of her orgasms, was enough for right now. Enough to keep that horrible numb feeling at bay and enough to stop her cravings for more She sighed loudly when Ben’s fingertips dug into her muscles, working away the tension hidden underneath her skin. He hummed deeply, a rumbling sound that sent licks of desire down her spine, making her to squirm and shift her hips closer to him. He planted kisses on her shoulder, working his way down her bicep to her wrists. It felt heavenly to be splayed out on his bed, with his body covering hers. She’d never known closeness like this. Not just physically speaking, but emotionally as well. They’d only known each other for a few weeks, but Rey felt like Ben knew everything about her. But if he’d been paying attention in group, then he did. “Again?” He asked once he’d reached her fingertips. Rey whimpered and nodded. He rolled her over on her stomach and slipped an arm underneath her waist, lifting her hips up so he could push in from behind. Her body yielded effortlessly, still wet and slick from before. His cock filled her in one thrust, and their moans mingled. “You’re so good, Rey.” His words hit like daggers straight to her heart. They made her clench around his cock, gasping for breath while he snapped his hips into her. Ben pressed her into the mattress, his chest flush against her back. His teeth dug into the meat of her shoulder and she winced with the quick, sharp pain. Ben quickly soothed it over with his tongue. She forgave him when his thumb found her clit and he began his careful strumming. “You take my cock so well, doll. So good. Look at you. Fucking gorgeous.” He said in her ear, voice strained and low. It did things to her, made her want to stay in his bed forever. There was something about how he praised her because each time, her body reacted to the words. Her pussy tightened around his cock. She arched against his hips, wanting to take more of him, and Ben obliged. “You like it when I say nice things to you?” She couldn’t reply. She could only use her mouth for the pitiful little sounds that escaped her. Moans and whimpers. But he had to tell with how she pushed back against him, and by how wet she was. Filthy sounds echoed in Ben’s small room. Flesh slapping against flesh, the wet noise from her pussy, Ben’s panting and Rey’s cries. Rey hoped his neighbors wouldn’t hear them, even over the sound of the storm outside. “Come for me, baby. Come on my cock. I want to feel it. Please, Rey—” he cut himself off, his pace stuttering. Rey came with a wail. She’d never been so loud during sex before. There was just something about Ben that undid everything about her, rewired her brain, made her scream. The intensity had her sobbing. Not just from all the orgasms, or how good his cock felt, but it was Ben that made her feel so intensely. He buried his face in her nape as he spilled inside of her, chanting her name like it was the only word he knew. After Ben was done, he gently pulled himself out and held on to her ass while she lay face forward on one of his pillows. They smelled like him. She could die on his bed and be perfectly content with the turn of events. He could murder her, and it would all be okay. “Fuck, you cunt is a dream.” She felt his fingers delving into her slick folds. Touching and holding her lips open like he was examining it. Rey squealed when she felt him press a kiss to each of her ass cheeks, taken by surprise. She smiled weakly, her facial muscles numb. “I’ve never come so hard in my life, “ she said, words muffled by his pillow. Ben let himself flop down on the bed beside her. Immediately, he was holding her again, tucking her head underneath his chin and stroking her back like he had been before. The rain raged on outside. It whipped against the glass, the fat and heavy raindrops echoing almost as loud as her moaning. Some part of her brain wondered if Poe and Finn were alright. The four of them were playing a terrifying game, and she wasn’t sure who was winning and who was losing. But it was worth it to be around him. Ben and his sullen looks, his perfect cock, and his sweet words. “I want to keep you here forever. Just use you every time I want to fill that pretty little pussy with my cum. I’ll tie you to my bed and keep you warm.” His words had her melting all over again. He was sprawled out on the bed, long limbs taking over most of the space on the bed. The tips of his feet dangled off the edge. He was so big. Rey grinned. “You’re so charming,” she said in between quiet huffs of laughter. “And tempting. But I think Maz will get worried if I don’t show up for meetings. And Chuey will break down your door if you don’t.” He turned his head to the side, so she got the brunt of his dizzying smile. His cheeks dimpled and her heart squeezed further. If this didn’t stop soon, she would go into cardiac arrest, and that would be an awkward conversation at the hospital. How did Rey Dameron née Jackson die? Death by Ben Solo. And his fantastic dick. “Oh, I’d still take you to group. Just keep you on a tight leash so you can’t get away.” “Jesus Christ, Ben. You sound like a maniac.” She tried to sound horrified and disgusted, but her laughter was genuine as it bubbled out of her. Honestly, the words should’ve scared her. There was something thrilling about the idea of giving herself over to Ben completely. Just letting him take over every aspect of her life. He was a good man, if a little flawed here and there—but who wasn’t? The idea of clinging to him and only him was intoxicating, and she had to close her eyes to avoid the thrilling intensity of his words. The alluring pitch black that promised her the world she knew couldn’t be hers.Soon the bubble would burst and life would be back to normal. The sickly poisonous normal that tempted her to drink and drink until she felt nothing and slept. Maybe died of God was willing. “You’re a monster,” she teased, hoping he couldn’t hear the way her words wobbled with feeling. “It’s all your fault, doll. You’ve turned me into a monster.” His arms tightened around her and she wrapped hers around him as well.Ben was probably the least monstrous person in her whole life. The storm still raged on outside. They fell asleep as a heap of piled blankets and pillow, limbs entangled in each other and faces upturned so their breathing mingled. It was the closest she’d been to another person in years, and she realized then that she was deeply in love with Ben.
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Ben woke up to see Rey digging through his drawers, completely naked from head to toe and covered in love bites. He’d meant to be sweet with her, and he had, mostly. But in the middle of it all, he’d slipped up and hurt her again. It was difficult to keep himself completely under wraps around her. He was different with Rey. Gentler, yes. More talkative and just all around better. Rey made him better. But the darker streak lingered just below his skin, showing up every once in a while. His need to possess her, to claim her, to keep her by his side forever. At least he would have her for the weekend, thanks to her husband’s infidelity. She’d talked about his lover so easily, like it didn’t bother her at all. It would explain why she was here with him now, and why she needed a support system. Hers was shattered. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he sat up. Rey spun around, caught ransacking his clothing drawers. She held up a pair of his boxers and one of his old band t-shirts. Her hair was a mess and there was dried up cum all over her thighs and the mound of her pussy. “Have I told you how fucking beautiful you are?” He said and watched as she slowly turned pink. There wasn’t enough sunlight coming in for it to be his natural wake-up time, but it had rained all night long. He groped around his nightstand to find his cell phone, except it was nowhere to be found. It was probably still in his pants, which were somewhere in the apartment. “What time is it?” “Nine. I haven’t slept in this late in years.” She walked back over to the bed and crawled onto his lap, right where he wanted her. Rey smelled like him. He liked her better like this, soft, sleepy, covered in his cum. He kissed her lips and ignored her protests. While he wanted nothing more than to fill her up with more cum and make good on his promise to keep her tied to his bed, Rey wormed her way out of his grasp. “I need a shower. And food.”“Coffee?” It was too early for food. Too early to be awake too. Meetings didn’t start until noon and he was used to waking up with enough time to shower and get picked up. “Shit. I gotta call my dad.” He jumped out of bed, not caring that he was completely naked. Rey stilled by the bathroom door while he rifled through their clothes, trying to find his cell phone. His pants were in the hallway next to the studio, and his phone was dead. He groaned. By the time he had it on the charger, Rey was still standing there, watching him with those soft hazel eyes of hers. “What?” He asked, approaching her. “Nothing. You’re just…a lot.” He arched an eyebrow at her and tilted his head down to look her right in the eye. That sounded ominous. Ben knew he was, in fact, a lot. Not just physically speaking, but emotionally. There was a lot of him to handle—big feelings, small brain, big temper. But it still hurt a little to hear it from Rey, the thing he wanted the most in life. “Sorry to sound like a cliché, but I’ve never felt like this before, and it’s a lot.” She said, her eyes turning sad. He can see the sadness in her eyes flicker like a flame. And Ben gets it. He really does. Because he’s never felt like this before either. Ben has never given a shit about being better or making someone happy. With Rey, he does. He’s consumed with the need to make her happy, to steal her away from all the shit that makes her eyes look sad. So, he does the only thing he can—Ben kisses her. He can’t fix everything for her, but he can kiss her and fuck her until she stops thinking about it. Because he’s never cared before, so he doesn’t quite know how to help. He’s willing to try, though. For her. For Rey.Rey takes a lot longer in the shower than Ben does. Even after he’s done washing and rinsing off, she’s still under the water, humming softly while washing her hair.He traced the notches of her spine, unable to keep his hands off her. Now she smelled even more like him. His soap, his shampoo, his toothpaste. They had to share a toothbrush because he didn’t realize there wasn’t an extra, and that was probably the most intimate thing he’d ever done with someone.He watched the water trail down her body, the way it drips off the tips of her breasts. He stooped down to drink from them, tongue laving at her nipple. She tasted like soap and cleanliness. Rey giggled and batted him away, untangling her hair with the other hand. “You should go to the meeting before me. My dad will be here soon, unless you just want to skip group today?” “Skip? Is that a good idea?” She looks hesitant. Ben would be too if he hadn’t been going to every meeting for all those months. “You don’t have to. Just thought we could stay here, spend the day fucking. Eating. Getting high.” He wanted her all to himself. Didn’t want to share her time with all those old fuckers at the meetings. It was bad enough sharing her time with the man she’d married. For the first time in a long time, all Ben wanted was to be with someone instead of being alone. He wanted to get to know her, talk to her, kiss every inch of her gorgeous body. There was a soft smile spreading on her lips and a twinkle in her eye, like she was imagining the same things he was. Maybe they were the same person in some ways. Two sides of a coin. “That sounds nice.” When she was done washing her hair, Ben switched off the water and toweled her off. She giggled nonstop the whole time and told him she could do it herself, but he didn’t want to stop touching her. In the bedroom, she tried to get dressed, but he snatched his clothes away. “No clothes,” he said. “I want you naked for me all day long. All weekend long.” If she wanted to protest, she could. The clothes weren’t that far out of her reach. She could smack him or just jump up to reach them, but she didn’t. Rey’s eyes dilated, her pretty pink lips falling open just a fraction of an inch. Yes, Ben was a lot—but Rey liked him that way. He could tell. “I’m not going to group today. My head hurts.” Ben was in the bedroom on the phone, pacing from one side to the other while Rey lay on his bed. The last thing he wanted to do was leave the apartment. They had ordered food to be delivered, enough to last them for the whole day. Maybe they could take a trip to the store later to pick up some food to cook together, so he could pretend that she was his, but for now, he didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to be on the phone with his dad, either, but he had to.“Ben, I don’t think you should skip,” Han said. He clicked his tongue in annoyance, eyes on Rey’s feet and how they kicked in the air. She was laying down on her belly, scrolling through her phone, supple heart shaped ass begging to be touched. “Dad, I haven’t skipped a single meeting in months. It’ll be fine.” “Is it because of Rey?”Ben swallowed. Yes—of course it was. Han knew it. Ben didn’t need to say it out loud. In the background, he heard Leia ask who Rey was. Part of him was glad that Han hadn’t told her yet, but another part wanted to show Rey off to his mom. Rey was perfect. Leia would love her.“I just don’t feel well. I’ll be fine.” “Son, you need to be careful. I’m begging you not to go down this way…it’s dangerous. Your mother and I care about you so much.” “It’s not that serious, dad.” “Ben…” He can hear the worry in Han’s tone, mixed in with the disappointment. Ben wanted to care. He really did. He wanted to feel guilty for not going to the meetings, but how could he when Rey was right there? There was so much that he wanted, and sitting in a smoke filled room hearing the same people talking over and over again wasn’t one of them. “I’ll talk to you later, okay? I’ll be fine. Everything will be fine. It’s not like last time.” Nothing was like last time, because he had Rey now.Ben hung up the phone and tossed it to the side, not caring if it hit the carpet a bit too hard. He crawled on the bed where Rey was, wanting nothing more than to bury his face between her thighs. He’d been wanting to eat her out for a long while now. He dreamed of it. He wanted to tease and torture her with tongue and fingers until she was sobbing for his cock. “Is Han upset with you?” She asked. He grabbed her by the hips, making it to where she couldn’t move away from him. Trapping her between his body and the mattress. He kissed down her spine, giving each notch attention as he worked his way down to her ass. She was so soft and sweet. The last thing he wanted was to talk about his dad. He hummed, a vague response that didn’t actually answer her question. His teeth sunk into the flesh of her ass and she squealed like a captured mouse. It would leave a mark, just like the one he’d left on her shoulder and neck. Her husband would see it and know—know that she’d been with someone else and that he’d had his way with her tight little body. His cock twitched at the idea. “Ben?” She sounded out of breath. “Yes. He’s upset, but I don’t care.” He didn’t want to talk about it. Instead, he flipped her over. He grabbed her thighs roughly, fingers flexing around the thickest parts, and spread her open. Pink. She was dusky pink everywhere. Her lips, her nipples, her pussy. Ben wanted to devour her. She made a choked sound at when he first pressed a kiss to the top her pussy, right above her clit. Rey struggled, pulling at his head to stop him. “What’s wrong?” “I just—I’ve never…had anyone do that.” Ben wanted to scream. What kind of man was her husband? How could he not go down on her? Her pussy was so perfect and sweet tasting—she deserved to be eaten out as often as possible. He growled as he dove into her, licking and sucking until she stopped complaining. Her fingernails scraped against his scalp, sending shivers down his spine and goosebumps all over his skin. “That feels so damn good, Ben. Oh, my god. Just like that—”He hadn’t expected her to come so easily. She tugged on his hair so more and he let her recover from the orgasm, kissing the inside of her thigh up to her knee instead. Rey tried to pull him up her body, but he shook his head. “I’m not done down here, doll.” This was just the beginning. He wouldn’t let her go anytime soon. Ben was a lot. A lot more than she’d been expecting. Not entirely in a bad way, though. Just a lot. He didn’t seem to do anything by halves. He was either completely in it or out. And he was really all the way in with Rey. She’d never felt like this before. It was a combination of thrilling excitement and absolute terror. Rey hadn’t heard from Poe all day, and she hadn’t bothered messaging him either. All she cared about was being with Ben for the short time they had together. He fed her, bathed her, fucked her, then did it all over again. They lounged around the apartment completely naked, holding each other close, always touching. They skipped the six o’clock meeting, too. Rey hid in the bedroom when Han came over to chide Ben for not going to either meeting. She heard her name thrown around a few times. Han had to know she was there. They’d fucked on almost every surface of Ben’s apartment. She was certain Han could see it all over the place—the evidence of them. She probably should’ve felt more guilty for what she was doing, but she didn’t. She couldn’t. Not when Ben looked and acted like nothing else mattered except what was going on in his apartment. Between them. Rey burrowed into Ben’s pillows and blankets, letting his scent surround her. It was calming. Everything here smelled like him. Smoke, coffee, and weed. Her body buzzed. She was a little sore between her legs now, pussy lips swollen. Rey was certain she’d had more sex within the past twelve hours with Ben than she’d had with her husband during their seven years of marriage. Not even when their relationship had been exciting and brand new had it been like this. There was just something different between Rey and Ben. She loved Ben. She was in love with Ben. He made her heart skip a beat and her stomach fill with butterflies. Rey couldn’t remember if she’d ever felt like that with Poe. Ben was giving her all sorts of new experiences. Giving and receiving oral was definitely on that list of firsts, and both had been amazing experiences. She’d never come like that, or so much.The bedroom door swung open and Ben came back into the room with a sullen expression on his face. Rey opened her arms so she could hold him. Once he was in her embrace, she stroked his hair and cradled him to her chest. Sometimes, Ben just looked so broken. All she wanted to do was gather up his broken pieces and glue them back together. “Everything okay?” She asked, even though she knew it wasn’t. “Yeah,” he said. Rey knew it was a lie. Her chest was wet, and he was sniffling. “You can tell me anything, Ben.”Ben had never shared during group. He said the words—he prayed with them, sometimes held their hands during it, but he never shared or spoke up. Rey wasn’t even sure she knew much about him. Not really. She knew the court system had ordered him to attend the meetings twice a day and have his paperwork signed every time. She knew he didn’t think he needed Chuey or anybody else as a sponsor. Rey just didn’t know why. Why he was there, why he started drinking, why he didn’t want to drink anymore, why he was so desperate to cling to her. Rey knew why she did it. She was lonely and neglected. There were too many warring feelings inside of her that needed numbing. And she stopped because no matter how much she drank, the next day always came, and it was always worse because of the drinking. “Ben?” “Hmm.” “What’s wrong?” She didn’t expect him to answer. Rey was used to not getting answers. She was used to distractions and being pushed away. So it wasn’t a complete surprise when he held her tighter instead of answering. “They’re just worried I’m going to make the same mistakes as before.” Maybe it was too personal, but she wanted to know Ben. Not just his body or his kisses, Ben himself. “What mistakes?” He didn’t answer immediately. Rey expected to not receive an answer, especially not when he shifted in bed next to her and rolled them around so he was spooning her. With one large thigh, he trapped her underneath his body. He still hid his face, but this time it was in her hair. “Around this time last year, I tried to kill myself.”