Work Text
Barbara, Ellen, Mandy, and Sadie had always dreamt of Hawaiian adventures, but their simplistic Amish lifestyle made that seem like only a miracle Jesus could achieve. Their taste buds craved organic
pineapples
. Organic food was common in their daily lives -- in fact, they
only
ate organic Amish produce grown in their
gaarde
-- but they had only tasted the elusive
pineapple
when they embarked on their once-in-a-lifetime journey to Indianapolis.
“I want to go to Hawaii some
dawg
,” Ellen said.
“That’s a miracle only God can provide to us,” Mandy said humanly.
“I will dream of it tonight,” Sadie said sheepishly.
Barbara stood off to the side with a doggish expression.
The girls went to sleep in their childhood bedroom, wearing plain nightgowns which they all shared, which complimented Barbara's full, lucious rodent-like face and showed off Sadies envious cheekbones which had all the men in town swooning over her. Their beds lined each side of the wall: an Amish tradition. The wall clock reminded Ellen of Barbara -- just as God said, sometimes the simple things in life have a great meaning. In this case, the meaning is friendship and Godly love.
“Your friendship is wondrous and great,” Ellen said with a preacher-like cadence to the room. “I’m so grateful God brought us together.”
The next morning, as if by some miracle, they woke up in a cruise port holding tickets to Hawaii. Sadie, Ellen, and Mandy squealed with excitement while Barbara bearly mustard a
smile.
“I can’t believe this,” Ellen exclaimed in a god-honoring way. “What a wondrous miracle.”
“God must have granted us this miracle,” Mandy thought out loud.
The speakers chimed.
Now boarding Pineapple Princess Cruises number six six six to Kauai.
“That’s us!” Sadie jumped miraculously in a god-honoring way.
They grabbed their suitcases which had also teleported from Indiana, and boarded the cruise. Onboard, they found pamphlets about tourist attractions in Kauai, one of which was the Polynesian Culture Center. As God had banned all women from receiving more knowledge than a forth grade education, they would have to rely on the Polynesian Culture Center to learn more about Hawaii.
The food onboard was not organic, but the girls did not care. At some point, Ellen got sick from the inorganic food and seasickness.
“I’m sick,” Ellen stated.
“It must be God punishing you for your lust for the organic
pineapples
that were not grown by the watchful hands of dear father,” Mandy scolded.
After four long and tiring days on the ship, they disembarked in Kauai. The whole time, they salivated at the thought of wondrous organic
pineapple
. However. Mandy coward in shame of being punished for lusting after earthly desires. They then boarded a smaller ship to the Polynesian Culture Center.
“I can’t wait to learn about Polynesian Culture,” Mandy said while staring across the murky water full of satanic intent to the Polynesian Cultural Center.
“I am also very excited to learn about their wondrous history at the Polynesian Cultural Center,” Ellen agreed amishly.
Once they arrived at the Polynesian Culture Center, they met a man named Ken. He had the classical look of a white man which all young Amish women desire in a husband: long blond hair which shone lightly in the sun and flowed in the ocean breeze, an miraculously average height of 5’7” and blue eyes which would have made even God’s sky jealous. Though what was especially temptatious to the young women, so temptatious they threatened to make them forget of their Saviour, were his ankles. The ankles were perhaps only so lust inspiring because of the feisty young man's outfit, which was almost as feisty as his personality.
Though they were in Hawai’i, ken was wearing a baseball cap bearing the symbol of the devil's playground of disney world in florida, a whorish tanktop of santa cruz california, tan cargo shorts which left much more to the girls imagination than they would have liked, and the garment which originally drew their attention to his ankles: the low cut bedazzled flip flops that seemed just strong enough that if he were to step through an organic
pineapple
, his foot would go right through.
That was his sign to see if the
pineapples
were ripe enough to eat. Perfectly ripe
pineapples
would splurt out juice like a cow being freshly milked, while unripe
pineapples
would crush, like Amish cream being churned into Amish butter. The Amish were experts in fresh milking and its products. Perfectly ripe
pineapples
satiate young women’s lustful desires, which was Ken’s area of expertise.
“Hi, my name is Ken,” Ken said feistily.
“My name's Mandy”, said Mandy coolly, summoning patients from the image of God in mind.
“Would you like some fresh organic
pineapple
?” Ken asked, tipping Barbara a wink.
Barbara chimed, almost imitating a grandfather clock just as her own grandfather had instructed her to when faced with a strange man, unimpressed with the stranger's attempt at flirting.
“What do Amish girls know about courting,” Ken asked haughtily yet coolly.
“Is it really so obvious that we are Amish? Our plain clothes must have given it away -- but we must dress plainly or else He will be angry and damn us to an eternity of fire and brimstone” Mandy replied, terrified that Ken did not appreciate the everyday blessings of the Lord.
“Even in plain clothes, I can tell the Lord blessed you with beauty,” Ken said feistily.
“It’s the little thingz in life that matter the most,” Mandy said annoyed, “not worldly things like beauty.”
“I know even the little things about you are beautiful,” Ken said feistily. He put down an organic
pineapple
he was holding. “What are you little birds who have been a million times blessed by our great Heavenly Lord and savior up to today?” Ken shot Barbara a feisty look.
Barbara clicked her tongue (much like a clock would tick) in impatience, ready to enter the Polynesian Cultural Center.
“We are going to the Polynesian Cultural Center” Sadie said with all the joy her heart could bear, “We will learn about making fire by rubbing two sticks together!”
“Did you hear about that in the brochure or something,” Ken asked feistily.
Ellen pulled a brochure from her tote bag, which she had kept as a souvenir from her wondrous childhood trip to Indianapolis. The title of the brochure read “Finding Faith in the Polynesian Cultural Center: gods summer home in Hawai’i?” and had images of an elderly man with long white hair wearing a sea green bathrobe. The man on the cover was circled in red, and that circle had more attention drawn to it by the large red arrows pointing towards the man.
“Wow,” Ken quipped feistily and incredulously, “Which cruise line did you take?”
“We took die Pineapple Princess cruise ship,” Ellen answered cheerfully, with the love of God in her heart. “We can see Polynesian music and how they lived.”
“Yeah, you might want to get another brochure,” Ken said flirtatiously, picking up the
pineapple
he had set down earlier.
“God is calling me to visit the wondrous Polynesian Cultural Center,” Mandy said firmly. “We must leave.'' With her sentiment being finished, Mandy turned on her heal and leg Ken in the dust, assuming her gaggle of God-Honoring women were following in her wake to the Polynesian Cultural Center.
“Do you think they have
pineapples
at the Polynesian Culture Center,” Ellen asked nobody in particular while trailing eagerly behind.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Once the Amish girls entered the Polynesian Culture Center, they approached the Hawaiian History wall. Photos of the
former
Hawaiian queen (removed because she was not ordained by god), Pearl Harbor, and Polynesian-style boats detailed the amazing infographics. They had learned a very general history of Polynesia on the
Pineapple Princess Cruise brochures, but the beautiful, life-sized
photographie
provided an enthralling experience. They were so awe inspiring that Mandy simply couldn't leave without taking various
photographie
for her family.
After a few minutes of Polynesian cultural centre inspired cultural bliss, the girls canoed across the lagoon near the Cultural Center. Ellen reflected on a specific set of
photographie
.
“It sure seems awful that Japan bombed Pearl Harbor and all those people died,” she said, frowning.
“God has his ways,” Mandy said, succeeding at her attempt to console Ellen.
“Let’s all say a prayer for God and the people who died,” Sadie said blissfully.
“OK,” Mandy said matter of factly. “Dear lord… Thank you for your gracious plan to make the world a better place, and thank you for not making the japanese bomb us on this glorious day. Thank you for kindly accepting those that perished that day into the great kingdom of heaven. and lastly, thank you for helping Ellen see the light, and quit her blasphemous reality tv talk show so that she could move to Indiana to be with us, even though she was terrible to her workers and denied your trangender sons and daughters a happy and fulfilling life. In jesus’ name we pray, a man”
“Amen” Ellen said nonchalantly, tactfully not commenting on the last segment of the prayer.
As they paddled, several ducks swam past. The tour guide, Sven, who had dark hair and dark eyes and a dark soul and a dark complexion and dark thoughts and dark clothes and dark eyeliner and dark energy and dark music tastes and dark chocolate(which he graciously offered them), struck up a conversation, which his bubbly personality aided a great deal in. only the finest of carbonated waters, such as LaCroix™(not spon) could compete with his personality, with was so bubbly that it canceled out all the dark aspects of the rest of him.
“Does everyone see those ducks over there,” Sven demanded peacefully. “We have several hand painted souvenirs with those exact ducks in our shop!”
“Wow,” Ellen thought, “What a coincidence that those ducks are here everyday.”
“They live here,” Sven explained in an arrogant, yet kind way which showed off his muscles that he had been blessed with due to carrying boats all day. Despite Ellen being Adamantly Amish™, she struggled to abstain from focusing her vision on Sven, despite knowing that abstinence is the only way to stay safe. She couldn’t help but feel desire for Sven, almost as much as she desired the
pineapples
earlier. she looked at him salaciously like one might look at a nice, tasy,
pineapple
salad.
Pineapple
salad was what ellen desired the most, yet she had never tasted such an ambrosiac delicacy.
Sven drew the group’s attention to the native plants lining the lagoon.
“What does everyone think of those plants,” Sven asked in a condescending, yet considerate way.
“I think God designed them perfectly,” Madny thought out loud.
“Umm actually,” Sven said, pushing up his glasses, “According to an old Hawaiian folk story, the sky father Wakea married Papa, who is believed to be a gourd. Wakea shaped Papa into a drinking vessel, who then
became Papahanaumoku, the earth mother. The gourd’s lid formed the heavens and the juice became the earth and clouds. The seeds became the sun, heaven, and stars. Together Sky Father Papa and Earth Mother Wakea formed the island of Kahiki.”
“Wow, that’s so interesting,” Ellen smiled.
“Are there any questions,” Sven asked kindly yet condescendingly while slightly flexing his muscles.
“Yes, actually,” Ellen said, raising her hand. “Is a gourd a type of
pineapple
?”
“Please hold all questions to the end.” Sven snapped, causing his muscles to jolt condescendingly.
“But Mr. Sven, what if the rapture happens before that? Do you want us to be raptured while curious? i dont think thats gods will '' Mandy stated matter of factly, driven by the sheer curiosity of the answer to Ellen's question.
“unfortunately i don't care. ask father stevens or whatever. anyway, we have many handpainted items that confomr to many religious beliefs, such as ducks, the cross, the buddhist alm, the star of david, the muslim cresent, the tikki idols, and the living embodiemnt of vishnu, who you can buy to legally own.” Sven said in a way that made it very appealing to buy all of the items, even the non christian ones. As he said this, his eyeliner began dripping, becoming less god honoring by the minute.
At this point Sven was bordering on satanic.
“This seems very appealing. Perhaps after the guided tour we should buy some souvenirs”, Ellen suggested.
“Do not fall for it! Sven, if that even is his real name, is just using his demonic charms to get you to fall prey to his
kapitalism
”, Mandy warned. “Remember what Jesus taught us in the New Testament, Ellen. We must not flaunt our wealth, because it is easier for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle than for a wealthy person to go to heavan. We must stride forward in the greatness of his strength just like we are told by Isaiah 63:1, otherwise the devil and his wiles may trap us into hell for eternity”. She looked at Ellen sternly.
“I still want some
pineapples
,” Ellen complained.
“I am beginning to think these
pineapples
are a devil’s test.” Mandy wondered aloud. “We will become Eve in the garden of Eden.”
“The beauty in this lagoon is truly of biblical proportion,” Sven winked, making eye contact with Ellen and Mandy simultaneously while his eyeliner continued to drip.
“Do you think the devil wears khol around his eyes,” Mandy whispered.
“I think, with all the trends among the youngsters nowadays, he must”, Ellen said. “After all, he has the same issues that many of those children do”.
“The youth are full of lust and temptation.”
“Right now, I am full of lust and temptation for
pineapple
”, Ellen panted, as if a spiritual force entered her body.
“What has become of you?” Mandy gave a horrified expression. “We need to go back to Amish country. The English world is too
tempting
and
sinful
for you, Ellen. I saw how you desired for Ken. I must pray over you.”
Mandy began to chant “
pineapples
release her innocent spirit”. As she did this, she dug through her purse for the rosary she kept on her for situations when the devil reared his ugly head. she began beating Ellen over the head with it - literally beating the devil out of her. “dear lord please release Ellen of her sinful temptations which she is too weak to handle on her owm. if she had followed your lessons like we are to do from childhood perhaps she would have the strength to pass this test, but she has been a naughty girl” Mandy said to the heavens, smacking Ellen's fivehead repeatedly.
“Whoa, it looks like the vibe of the Plynesian Cultural Center is inspiring some of our guests to have a deeply religious experience” Sven exclaimed, muscular face cheeks shining. The other boaters turned to look, whispering curiously and scandalously amongst themselves.
Tears began to stream down Ellen’s non-muscular, thin face cheeks, much like the tears of Mary the virgin, whose sadness makes the clouds cry with rain.
“You must atone for your sins.” Mandy commanded.
Ellen lowered her head. “Dear Lord and Father, and Jesus and Mary, I ask your forgiveness for my sins. The devil hath entered mine body and hath made me crave
pineapples
. I have also been craving a few men on this island. I ask your guidance for me to avoid sin. Wedlock is crucial to us Amish. Amen.”
“Did you say you’re craving pineapples and men,” Sven questioned loudly. “I can help you satiate your hunger.”
“You are sinful,” Mandy scolded.
“I get that all the time, usually as a compliment.” His biceps sparkled unnaturally. “If we get back and you still desire
pineapples,
maybe I can show you just what I mean.”
Ellen moved her eyes to the emo man. “Really?”
“Yes, we have many types of pineapples for purchase in the PCC shop. But if you
really
want a sinful experience, I can show you something really naughty - like a
papaya
.”
Mandy shot him a disgusted expression. “Choose your next actions very carefully, Ellen. I am your only Amish sister at this moment.”
“I don’t want to sin,” Ellen said hastily.
“its not so sinful to just
look
at the papaya”, Sven said, moving his eyebrow suggestively into the shape of a papaya.
“Perhaps I can sin a little bit…” Ellen proposed.