Work Text
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5eOgSat6vf8rhmvAAVQtOL?si=34e6699f4bc44beaLOGLINE: John, a spy from the MI6, is tasked with saving the entire organization from being disbanded by a mole working on the inside.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The stage is set with JOHN and CASS walking from the audience onto the stage. X is standing to the side of the stage, close to the audience, talking through an earpiece.
XJust continue down that hallway, you're getting close to the office where Stephen's drop off point is located. Brad should be waiting there. Queen's orders, and for God's sake, 006, 007, this man gets back to the MI6 ALIVE.JOHNAffirmative.CASSAffirmative.XQuit wasting time 007, I need you to get 008's exploding flashlight lockpick gun back from Brad while you're there, he stole it from 009 the other day.JOHNExploding flashlight lockpick gun...? Wait, I thought you didn't endorse this mission? You said you wanted nothing to do with this?XLet the record show that breaking into an embassy was your idea. But if you're already there, at least you can do something useful.JOHN
(smirks)
I knew you were a rule-breaker, too.X
(rolls eyes)
Just leave me out of this international incident waiting to happen.JOHNIsn't it more exciting that way? Only the best for me and my partner.CASSWhat's the difference between a little danger or excitement anymore, darling?
(she sings)
I GOT MY RED DRESS ON TONIGHT
DANCIN' IN THE DARK IN THE PALE MOONLIGHT
DONE MY HAIR UP REAL BIG BEAUTY QUEEN STYLE
HIGH HEELS OFF, I'M FEELING ALIVE.
JOHN
OH MY GOD, I FEEL IT IN THE AIR
TELEPHONE WIRES ABOVE
ARE SIZZLING LIKE A SNARE
HONEY I'M ON FIRE
I FEEL IT EVERYWHERE
NOTHING SCARES ME ANYMORE
(Spoken.)
All we have to do is go in, capture the target, and get out.CASS
(flirting)
And then what?JOHNWe leave the MI6 together. We share a cabana off the coast of Tahiti, Jamaica, Finland, Thailand, Anywherebuthereland. We go and never come back.CASSMmm... I love it when you talk like that-
(She sings, John embraces her)
KISS ME HARD BEFORE YOU GO
SUMMERTIME SADNESS
I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW
THAT BABY, YOU'RE THE BEST.
(Spoken.)
John... But you know we can't just leave like that. We have-JOHNResponsibilities to the Crown in England. I know. But after this- we run away.CASSYou make a compelling argument.JOHNPicture this. No breaking into foreign embassies, no leaks, no classified documents into the hands of our enemies, no internal investigations, no moles of the MI6, no more any of this. Just you, me, a martini-CASSShaken, not stirred.JOHNMmm. Us on the beach, that dress on the floor-X
(makes a retching sound)
You two know I'm still here, right?JOHN and CASS break apart immediately, CASS straightens her dress out, JOHN adjusts his cuff links.JOHNWe know. You're paid to listen to what we say. What you don't have to do is listen to everything we say!XEw. I now fully resent my job description listening to everything you two say during these missions. You know, this sounds like a great time to go over conduct with fellow 00s. I could find M to talk to all of us about professional boundaries.JOHNThat won't be necessary.CASSThank you for being so diligent, X.XAs your quartermaster, your next mission is to get a ROOM.JOHNDeal.CASSDeal.
JOHN and CASS sing while fighting enemies.
I GOT THAT SUMMERTIME, SUMMERTIME SADNESS,
SUMMERTIME, SUMMERTIME SADNESS,
GOT THAT SUMMERTIME, SUMMERTIME SADNESS,
I GOT THAT SUMMERTIME
I GOT THAT SUMMERTIME, SUMMERTIME, SUMMERTIME SADNESS,
JOHN and CASS burst back onstage, where BRAD is standing in the middle of the room, originally expecting STEPHEN, but isn't offended by the two agents presence.
BRADIf it isn't my favorite pair of agents. Cassandra Nazari, beautiful as always. And John Chase, you have the most horrid habit of surviving.JOHNThe fittest seem to do that.
(JOHN takes this opportunity to wink at CASS. She rolls her eyes, but is visibly uncomfortable with this scenario.)
But then again, you're still alive. Perhaps I was wrong.BRADCut the shit, Chase. You've figured me out. You'll take me in. I'll go to prison until someone dramatically breaks me out, and it's cat and mouse until the end of time. Aren't you tired of this, Agent?JOHNWe wouldn't have to keep meeting like this if you stopped purchasing leaked documents from the MI6.BRADYou may be right. But my only crime is buying for the actual buyer. You don't really need me, do you?JOHNI'm only asking once then. Who is your supplier?BRADFair enough. Mr. Chase, this time is different. You see I have a bit of an ace in my hand. You see, no good establishment runs with just one person, no international incidents without partners in crime.JOHNIs this monologue going somewhere?BRADWhy don't you tell Chase, darling?CASSJohnathan, don't take this the wrong way, but this mission has been different.JOHN
(JOHN isn't the best at hiding his emotions, he's PISSED in this moment, but trying to keep it cool for CASS' sake)
What? Why did he call you that?CASSI had to do this; I needed to do anything to find the mole-JOHNWhat does that even mean? What are you talking about?BRADIt means she's been working for me. Or with me, whichever makes you more... Je nais se quois...JOHNFor how long?CASSJust a couple of months. I had to get more information, so I did some research apart from the MI6.JOHNSo you committed treason?CASSIt's not that. I just separated myself from the constrictions of the 00 program to get some exclusive intel. I even figured out what department the mole works in at MI6.XWhat?JOHNThat's still TREASON CASS! I- This is too much. Do you expect me to believe either of you??BRADNo. No, Mr. Chase, I expect you to die.
JOHN lunges at BRAD, and they start fighting.
CASSJohn, M needs him alive, don't do this!
JOHN and BRAD struggle, while CASS tries to pull JOHN off. JOHN shoots his watch/gun and does the turn-around move from the barrel sequence of the old Bond movies, and a gunshot goes off. CASS screams.
JOHN
(Slowly sung)
KISS ME HARD BEFORE YOU GO,
SUMMERTIME SADNESS
I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW,
THAT BABY, YOU'RE THE BEST
The Bond theme mixed with Thunderstruck plays as a white sheet is placed in front of the stage to make this similar to a shadow show. JOHN gets dragged away from the scene, CASS tries to make up with JOHN, but he continues to get dragged away. M yells at JOHN and makes him hand over his guns, and fires him.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The sheet gets pulled away, and the stage is set like an apartment, with a pillow/blanket fort behind JOHN in pajamas (they were under his tuxedo the whole time) surrounded by ice cream cartons and tissues scattered everywhere. JOHN is in the middle of a dramatic crying session.
JOHNCass isn't calling me back. Why won't she call me back...
(beat)
Both of us are never going to be spies again...
(He sings)
I'M GOING UNDER AND THIS TIME I FEAR THERE'S NO ONE TO SAVE ME
THIS ALL OR NOTHING'S REALLY GOT A WAY OF DRIVING ME CRAZY
I NEED SOMEBODY TO HEAL,
SOMEBODY TO KNOW
SOMEBODY TO HAVE
SOMEBODY TO HOLD
IT'S EASY TO SAY, BUT IT'S NEVER THE SAME
I GUESS I LIKED THE WAY YOU NUMBED ALL THE PAIN
NOW THE DAY BLEEDS INTO NIGHTFALL
AND YOU'RE NOT HERE TO GET ME THROUGH IT ALL
I LET MY GUARD DOWN AND YOU PULLED THE RUG
I WAS KINDA GETTING USED TO BEING SOMEONE YOU LOVED
I'M GOING UNDER, AND THIS TIME, I FEAR THERE'S NO ONE TO TURN TO
THIS ALL OR NOTHING WAY OF LOVE GOT ME SLEEPING WITHOUT YOU
I NEED SOMEBODY TO KNOW
SOMEBODY TO HEAL,
SOMEBODY TO KNOW
SOMEBODY TO HAVE
JUST TO KNOW HOW IT FEELS
IT'S EASY TO SAY, BUT IT'S NEVER THE SAME
I GUESS I LIKED THE WAY YOU HELPED ME ESCAPE
NOW THE DAY BLEEDS INTO NIGHTFALL
AND YOU'RE NOT HERE TO GET ME THROUGH IT ALL
I LET MY GUARD DOWN AND YOU PULLED THE RUG
I WAS KINDA GETTING USED TO BEING SOMEONE YOU LOVED
AND I TEND TO CLOSE MY EYES WHEN IT HURTS SOMETIMES
I FALL INTO YOUR ARMS
I'LL BE SAFE IN YOUR SOUND 'TIL I COME BACK AROUND
FOR NOW, THE DAY BLEEDS INTO NIGHTFALL
AND YOU'RE NOT HERE TO GET ME THROUGH IT ALL
I LET MY GUARD DOWN AND YOU PULLED THE RUG
I WAS KINDA GETTING USED TO BEING SOMEONE YOU LOVED-
X enters the apartment, and the music comes to an abrupt stop. JOHN is basically in the fetal position with a blanket over his head, but he quickly rips it off and stands up quickly when he sees her.
XWhat the hell is this-JOHN
(wide-eyed looking back at X)
What are you doing here!?XM sent me here. Clearly I needed to come over sooner...JOHNM doesn't need to worry about me. I'm fine, everything's fine.XIf this is fine, billions of people should be on our watchlist.JOHNOh, no. This wasn't me. This all, this was just- my- my sister.XYou don't have a sister.JOHNI do. My sister's kids, my niece, and my nephew were over. They like ice cream and pillow forts.XAnd tissues-JOHNTissues?
(JOHN kicks a pile of tissues off stage)
Well, you know, kids...XI avoid children at all costs.JOHNThat doesn't surprise me. Anyway, you get it, they made this mess in the apartment. Not me.XAt 2 in the morning.JOHN
(Thinking he's gotten away with this ridiculous story.)
Yes. Exactly, you understand, I'm not sad.XJohn, you and I have met someone named Pussy before, and even she didn't act like this. She was awesome. Although, she was a traitor too. You liked Vesper, Madeline, and Elektra too. You know how to pick them, don't you, John.JOHNThat's not fair.XNeither is life.JOHNYou're right. Let's see, all within the last 24 hours, I lost the only job I loved, I killed a man, a handful of countries probably want my head on a platter, OH YEAH, my girlfriend and partner turned out to be a traitor to the Crown! You're right, I've had an easy life so far, and I just needed a lecture from you about how life isn't fair at this exact moment. What other motivational quips did you prepare about our lifestyle?X
(deadpan)
Us orphans make the best agents.JOHNThat was low.XM wants you back tomorrow.JOHNWhat?XSomething about Americans-JOHNAmericans?XYou know,
(puts on a bad Southern accent, still bored)
Yankees, wrong kind of football, cheeseburgers, guns, orange guy.JOHNI know what Americans are. Is there at least a beautiful woman with an another absurd name in this mission?XBe at M's office at 0500 tomorrow. I want to go to bed for the first time this week, so I'll be going. Do not mess this up for me. If you got fired, I got fired.
(walking out the door slowly as she's threatening him)
And if I got fired, do remember that I make high-powered weapons as a job. And I know where you live. Don't make me do my job for free.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
JOHN walks into M's office, and she immediately points at the chair, and JOHN promptly sits down.
MYou violate one of the most important rules of international diplomacy and break into an embassy?JOHNWith all due respect, M, the security was very low. It was barely a petty break-in. And it could've been worse.MI suppose you're right. My most elite agent in my entire program could've made a larger embarrassment of himself in front of an international audience. Unless... Oh wait, that's exactly what you did.JOHNWe had a lead, we were going to save-MTo save Cassandra's dignity after she led you into that trap? Because you certainly did nothing to save this country. For God's sake, Chase, you had one job. Remind me again Agent 007, what was it?JOHNTo bring in the information buyer for questioning.MExactly. And what did you do?
(Beat as JOHN tries to speak, but M immediately talks over him.)
You killed him! And because you failed, we still have no idea who in the MI6 is giving out information for God knows why, or ANYTHING useful! Currently, our allies want to find you for participating in the unauthorized activity of murder in THEIR embassy. Thanks to your mishap, all of these foreign ministers wish to disembody your head from your neck, and I'm seriously considering personally delivering it to them myself.JOHNThere are going to be other leads to follow. We're going to figure out who's doing this.MWe? Did you forget that the entire double-O enterprise is under investigation that no one has been able to solve? Every day, government secrets are being bought. The whole department is to be dissolved within the week.JOHNBut what about the mission?MYou're only getting one more chance at this mission, Chase. It's your job to find out who's leaking classified intelligence to our enemies. We have intel that Stephen Lightbourne was supposed to purchase the critical documents from the person you killed.JOHNFor real?MUpon weighing my options, though, you do have to be accompanied for this mission.JOHNPlease don't say X, I'd rather die.MNo. I no longer trust your judgement of picking partners anyway, considering the last one was another traitor. Your partner is my sister-
(beat as JOHN's face brightens up, he's always in the mood for beautiful women)
Get it together, Chase. My sister's son, Charlie.JOHNOh.CHARLIEOH my gosh, this is so exciting! HI! I'm Charlie. You sound so fantastic to work with, Mr. Chase.
(Stretches out his arm to shake JOHN's hand aggressively, even without JOHN extending his hand)
I can't wait to work with you. Wow, just wow. This mission is going to be just like when Matt Damon-JOHNM, why are you torturing me like this...MUntil next time, 007.JOHNWe have to go to X.
(CHARLIE starts to follow JOHN as they leave M's office, and CHARLIE reaches and grabs his guitar case as they exit)
What is that for?CHARLIEOH! I'm trying to get more practice. I thought if we could do a duet at some point on this mission, it'll be cool as best friends on like recon or something.
(CHARLIE grabs the guitar out of the case and starts to play "Wonderwall" as they walk around changing scenes into X's lab)
I've been working on this one song. If you sing it with me that would be so much fun. Oh my gosh, here let me just show you-JOHNYou know this is a workplace. We're not friends here.CHARLIEI'll only stop if you sing it with me.JOHNI'd put that guitar away while we're here. X doesn't like strangers or people in general. She's the best quartermaster in the lab, but she doesn't warm up to new people quickly-
(X grabs the guitar from behind CHARLIE, and he shrieks in surprise. X doesn't even look at him and talks directly to JOHN)
Speak of the devil...XWho is this?JOHNCharlie. He's M's nephew, my new partner. X, Charlie. Charlie, X. I assume you'll make fast friends.
(CHARLIE puts out his hand to shake, but X just hands CHARLIE the guitar's neck back.)
Emphasis on being friends, X.CHARLIE starts to grab and touch everything in the lab.XI don't have friends. I'm not even your friend. What's the mission?JOHNWe're still looking for the-
(makes finger quotations)
"Person of interest" inside the MI6.XWell, that's original. Here's the new watch. The gun still works the same way, but hit this button here, and there's a poison dart with a 45-meter range.JOHNYou're joking.X
(deadpan delivery as X starts to walk towards the next gadget past JOHN.)
I never joke about my work, 007. Speaking of which, did you get 009's gun back?JOHNThe exploding flashlight lockpick gun? No...? I don't know if you were listening, but I had a few other things going on at the time.
(X rolls her eyes and continues working on lab things, seemingly ignoring JOHN.)
I know you don't like the sappy stuff, but let me just say this. I don't know what you said to M to make her not shoot me in her office, let alone give me my job back. So thank you-XI didn't talk to M about you. This is the new woven steel technology built right into the case. It's bulletproof, fireproof, and if you squeeze the handle twice, there's a compact missile inside, one of the largest I've built.JOHNSo I've got some competition?XI would suggest seeking out a medical professional if you're able to compete with a meter-length rocket.
(beat)
New kid, don't touch that, it's a neurotoxin I'm developing!CHARLIEWHAT?XI'm pretty sure M is avoiding me right now. I think I ended up on the list for the
(uses quotation fingers to mock JOHN's previous use of them.)
"Internal investigation"JOHNI doubt you're on the investigation list. You work for me, and I got cleared from that list months ago with Cass-
(beat)
Well... Maybe we ended back up on it after that whole event.XI know you liked her.JOHNLiked her? She was my everything. I never would've met her if it wasn't for you-XAnd you're not the only one who misses her. Some people, they're your everything, they're forever.
(flippantly)
Some people betray the entire country with a low level intelligence buyer. You just never know.JOHNX! You were almost a person with human emotions for a second! I'm proud of you.XBehave 007... NEW KID DROP THAT!CHARLIEWhy? It's a gun shaped like a cigarette, it's awesome!XIt was one of the worst ideas that this lab had. Put it down, you'll shoot your eye out.CHARLIEBut there's nothing fun to do in here...XI really don't have time to deal with this. This lab is my everything, my entire life's work and worth is in this lab.
(She sings)
IF I WAS A RICH GIRL (NA, NA)
SEE, I'D HAVE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD,
IF I WAS A WEALTHY GIRL
NO MAN COULD TEST ME, IMPRESS ME, MY CASH FLOW WOULD NEVER EVER END CAUSE I'D HAVE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD,
IF I WAS A WEALTHY GIRL
THINK WHAT THAT MONEY COULD BRING I'D BUY EVERYTHING CLEAN OUT VIVIENNE WESTWOOD
IN MY GALLIANO GOWN
NO, WOULDN'T JUST HAVE ONE HOOD
A HOLLYWOOD MANSION IF I COULD PLEASE BOOK ME FIRST-CLASS TO MY FANCY HOUSE IN LONDON TOWN
ALL THE RICHES BABY, WON'T MEAN ANYTHING
ALL THE RICHES BABY, WON'T BRING WHAT YOUR LOVE CAN BRING
ALL THE RICHES BABY, WON'T MEAN ANYTHING
DON'T NEED NO OTHER BABY
YOUR LOVIN' IS BETTER THAN GOLD,
I KNOW IF I WAS RICH GIRL
SEE, I'D HAVE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD,
IF I WAS A WEALTHY GIRL
NO MAN COULD TEST ME, IMPRESS ME, MY CASH FLOW WOULD NEVER EVER END
CAUSE I'D HAVE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD, IF I WAS A WEALTHY GIRL
SOME BOYS KISS ME
SOME BOYS HUG ME I THINK THEY'RE OK
IF THEY DON'T GIVE ME PROPER CREDIT
I JUST WALK AWAY
THEY CAN BEG AND THEY CAN PLEAD
BUT THEY CAN'T SEE THE LIGHT
'CAUSE THE BOY WITH THE COLD HARD CASH
IS ALWAYS MISTER RIGHT
'CAUSE WE ARE LIVING IN A MATERIAL WORLD
AND I AM A MATERIAL GIRL
YOU KNOW THAT WE ARE LIVING IN A MATERIAL WORLD
AND I AM A MATERIAL GIRL
IF I WAS RICH GIRL (NA, NA) SEE, I'D HAVE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD, IF I WAS A WEALTHY GIRL
NO MAN COULD TEST ME, IMPRESS ME, MY CASH FLOW WOULD NEVER EVER END
'CAUSE I'D HAVE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD, IF I WAS A WEALTHY GIRL
'CAUSE EVERYBODY'S LIVING IN A MATERIAL WORLD AND I AM A MATERIAL GIRL YOU KNOW THAT WE ARE LIVING IN A MATERIAL WORLD AND I AM A MATERIAL GIRL LIVING IN A MATERIAL WORLD AND I AM A MATERIAL GIRL YOU KNOW THAT WE ARE LIVING IN A MATERIAL WORLD
AND I AM A MATERIAL GIRL
CHARLIE
(Holds up a random object but when X stares at him, he drops it, and it explodes. He screams)
Do I get a cool name like you? What about... C?XNO!JOHNNO!CHARLIEBut it's C for Charlie?JOHNThe name C doesn't have a good track record around here...XIt's like naming your boat "Titanic".CHARLIESomeone already did that though?
(X and JOHN immediately look at CHARLIE with a "WTF" face, even though CHARLIE is completely serious)
You guys didn't know that? There was a movie and everything-JOHNIt just won't work... Are we ready to go then, X?XI think so. I'm not giving the kid any weapons, though.JOHNSee you in the field, X.XI'll be here... Like normal...
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
X walks to the back of the audience, while tables get set up around the stage. This is the casino scene.
XThis mission is only for surveillance. Find Kelly Lightbourne.JOHNJust Kelly? No crazy names? No code names, no puns, double-entendres?XNo. Just Kelly. She's an affluent environmentalist for the UN. Hasn't spoken to her dad in years due to his fracking methods. Get her interested in working with the MI6, and you'll get more information on her father. That's it. No guns, no crazy weapons, nothing. Walk around the casino and find her.CHARLIECASINO?! This is just like Matt Damon, this is going to be so cool!JOHNExcept it's going to be nothing like that... Keep a low profile, we're just here to talk to one person.CHARLIEThat's almost exactly the plot of that movie... How are we supposed to find her? The casino's packed with hundreds, if not 5, patrons?JOHNWhat does she look like, X?XI don't know yet. Someone else in there should know who she is. Her dad's passcode is "Bottoms Up" apparently.JOHNI must be dreaming...
(He sings)
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS, GIRL, WE BACK UP IN THIS THING,
MONEY STAYS IN MY POCKET, GIRL, I'M LIKE A WALKING BANK,
TELL ME WHAT YOU DRINK, TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK,
IF I GO, GET THESE BOTTLES, WE GO ALCOHOL INSANE.
CALLING ALL THE GIRLS,
DO YOU HEAR ME?
ALL AROUND THE WORLD,
CITY TO CITY.
CHEERS TO THE GIRLS THROW DEUCES TO THE GUYS
NOW I GOT A CHICKEN AND A GOOSE IN THE RIDE
GETTING LOOSE IN THE RIDE
HATING ASS BOY, YOU CAN MOVE TO THE, MOVE TO THE, MOVE TO THE SIDE-
CHARLIE
BOTTOMS UP, BOTTOMS UP,
AYE WHAT'S IN YOUR CUP?
I GOT A COUPLE BOTTLES, BUT A COUPLE AIN'T ENOUGH
BOTTOMS UP, BOTTOMS UP,
THROW YOUR HANDS UP,
TELL SECURITY WE ABOUT TO TEAR THIS CLUB UP
JOHN
BOTTOMS UP, BOTTOMS UP, POCKET FULL OF GREEN
GIRL, YOU KNOW I LOVE THE WAY YOU SHAKE IT IN THOSE JEANS
BOTTOMS UP, BOTTOMS UP, THROW YOUR HANDS UP
BOTTOMS UP, BOTTOMS UP, BOTTOMS UP, BOTTOMS UP,
MY VISIONS BLURRED, MY WORDS SLURRED
IT'S JAM-PACKED, A MILLION GIRLS
AND I AIN'T TRYING TO LEAVE THOUGH
WE DRUNK, SO LET ME BE YOUR ALCOHOL HERO
CHARLIE
(with the obligatory wrist sign, CHARLIE's motivation in saying "Girls" is clearly different than JOHN's.)
CALLING ALL THE GIRLS, GIRLS
DO YOU HEAR ME, GIRL,
ALL AROUND THE WORLD, CITY TO CITY
(Spoken.)
JOHNThat has to be Kelly there. I'm going in.CHARLIEOh my god she's gorgeous...XOh my god she's gorgeous...JOHNKelly Lightbourne?KELLYOh, perfect!
(KELLY waves the bartender over, and sits him down on the barstool next to her. She completely ignores JOHN's introduction.)
Mr. Chase, I've heard so much about you from my father's database, your name pops up all the time. I was hoping we'd meet.JOHNYou knew I was going to be here? I didn't even use your passcode?KELLYIt's more than enough that you rose to the occasion. Or are you just happy to see me?
(she laughs to herself, JOHN keeps his cool as she addresses the bartender)
I'm only joking Mr. Chase. The bad one-liners are your job.JOHNThey're not all bad..?
KELLY giggles to herself flirtatiously.
KELLYSure they aren't. Two martinis-KELLYShaken, not stirred.JOHNShaken, not stirred.JOHNHow did you-KELLYI told you Mr. Chase, I know everything about you.
(back to the bartender who's handed them the martini glasses. He will continue to keep up and pass multiple drinks across the bar as KELLY asks for them)
Only the most expensive of everything else for me and my friend.
(Rap/sung.)
CAN I GET THAT 'TRON, CAN I GET THAT REMMY
CAN I GET THAT COKE, CAN I GET THAT HENNY,
CAN I GET THAT MARGARITA ON THE ROCK, ROCK, ROCK,
CAN I GET SALT ALL AROUND THAT RIM, RIM, RIM, RIM,
TRAY, I WAS LIKE YO, CHASE?
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN BUY ME A BOTTLE OF ROSÉ?
OKAY, LET'S GET IT NOW.
I'M WITHIN A BAD BITCH, HE'S WITH HIS FRIENDS
I DON'T SAY HI, I SAY KEYS TO THE BENZ
KEYS TO THE BENZ, KEYS TO THE BENZ.
MO-FUCKIN' RIGHT, YEAH, V TO THE TEN
IF A BITCH TRY TO GET CUTE, I'MA STOMP HER,
THROW A LOTTA MONEY AT HER THEN YELL SUCKER, SUCKER, SUCKER, THEN YELL SUCKER,
THEN I'M GONE, GET MY LOUISVILLE SLUGGER
EXCUSE ME? I'M SORRY. I'M REALLY SUCH A LADY,
I REP YOUNG MONEY,
YOU KNOW SLIM, BABY,
NOW BOTTOMS UP AND DOUBLE MY DOSAGE
JOHN
BOTTOMS UP, BOTTOMS UP
WHAT'S IN YOUR CUP
GOT A COUPLE OF BOTTLES, BUT A COUPLE AIN'T ENOUGH
BOTTOMS UP, BOTTOMS UP,
THROW YOUR HANDS UP,
TELL SECURITY WE'RE ABOUT TO TEAR THIS CLUB UP
(Spoken.)
KELLYYou are seriously so cute, I didn't expect a double-O to be this fun either! I'll meet you back in my room if you want to talk, stranger. Let's talk about saving the world, just the two of us... Something like that.
KELLY leaves the stage, JOHN goes to follow, but the bartender stops JOHN, pointing at the tab. He takes it, and scrutinizes the list.
JOHNTwo hundred pounds on the bar tab... With an added fifteen hundred pounds at the gambling table? No one's been playing any-
There has been little to no focus on CHARLIE during this song after JOHN met KELLY. CHARLIE has sat down in the audience, and has been playing poker at one of the tables.
CHARLIESo that's how you play poker, to 22! Got it!
JOHN grabs CHARLIE and forces him to stand up.
JOHNHow the HELL does someone manage to lose fifteen hundred pounds in two minutes?!CHARLIEI don't want to alarm you, Mr. Chase, but that sounds like a medical emergency. Weight loss should be a healthy and gradual journey. It's about loving yourself, king.JOHNNot weight!!! MONEY!! Just- Stop touching things. We're here to gather information. That's it...
(beat as JOHN touches his earpiece to speak into it)
X... I had no part in this.There is a pause, with no answer from X. She has left from her usual position standing in the theatre where she has been on every mission scene so far.CHARLIEIs she there? Why isn't she answering?JOHNShe's going to kill you regardless for wasting all that money.CHARLIEGuess I live to die another day then! Or is it no time to die? Live and let die? You only live twice? Tomorrow never dies? I forget the saying...JOHNI'm going to find Kelly. Don't go near another game table again.
JOHN and CHARLIE walk off stage. CHARLIE reaches to grab his guitar as they walk off stage, but he is denied opening it by JOHN.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
STEPHEN LIGHTBOURNE is sitting in the presidential suite of the hotel, sifting through documents at a desk. An ADVISOR stands behind him.
ADVISORSir, I know you're excited about this new element your company has found, but your focus needs to stay elsewhere. For example, you were running your company.STEPHENDo you know what would happen if I exposed this new element I've found?ADVISORYou didn't find it, sir.STEPHENIt was on my land, at my oil site. I found it, and it's mine.ADVISORThat's not exactly how that works...STEPHENDo you know what happens to people who find new elements? Do you know who Niels Bohr, Marie Curie, and Einstein are?ADVISORYes.STEPHENSo why is it that when I find a new element, I have to be silent? Why is it so wrong to want a Nobel Prize and become famous as Stephen Lightbourne: a billionaire oil monger AND a legendary scientist?ADVISORNo one in their right mind would give you a Nobel Prize, sir. You purchase leaked documents from the MI6 on the regular from a traitor to the organization. Your fracking strategies cause minor earthquakes every day all over the world. Your pipeline deals draw thousands of protestors every year. Your own daughter publicly speaks out against your harm to the planet, rainforests, oceans-
Every sentence about the horrible things STEPHEN and his company has done hasn't gotten a reaction from him, until the ADVISOR brings up STEPHEN's daughter, KELLY.
STEPHENTHAT'S WHY I NEED TO FIX MY COMPANY WITH THIS! I will go public with this element soon!
(slams his hand on a desk)
I just need to know what it does...ADVISORSpeaking of Kelly, her team was granted access to future drilling locations today that only your board of directors knew about. Do you have any idea how she got a hold of it?STEPHENWhat I do to help my daughter succeed with her own ventures is of no concern to you.ADVISORBut what you do in terms of this company concerns me. Deeply. If that intel got out, it would destroy both of you.STEPHEN
(threatening)
That's why that little piece of intel isn't going to get out. Ever.ADVISORYou can't be serious.STEPHENDon't ever tell me what I can and can't do.XMr. Lightbourne, you wanted to see me?
STEPHEN immediately switches moods.
STEPHENAh, yes. My informant. Anything new at the fancy MI6? Any updates on the double-O status?XYou aren't in a position to insult me.STEPHENOh, I would never insult a current quartermaster. I choose life; then you don't get served for life!
(laughs hard at his own quip.)
Get it? Because you don't have the license to kill?
X takes out a pen from her lapel and shoots to the side of STEPHEN like it's a gun. He barely reacts, but ADVISOR steps in immediately to disarm X. STEPHEN waves ADVISOR away.
XMr. Lightbourne, I didn't come here to be patronized by a businessman in over his head. I came here to deliver intel and receive a briefcase full of cash for it.STEPHENYou're no fun, X. Is there anything in those documents about the element? Does anyone else know about it?XNo one. I've scanned the entire database.STEPHENWhat about Mr. Chase?XHe's in the casino right now, as you asked. He's with Kelly.STEPHENI don't know why you aren't a double-O anymore. You're so much more intelligent than any of the staff I have on payroll.
A tiny dog comes on stage, and STEPHEN melts into a mess of blubbery adoration.
ADVISORCan we refrain from having the dog in the room at the same time there are visitors?STEPHENThe dog? Her name is Princess Buttercup and you will say it with respect and dignity, damnit!ADVISORSir, you're in a meeting.STEPHENX, are you bothered by her?XI couldn't care less.STEPHEN
(back to ADVISOR)
Then, are you saying my precious baby can't come in here because YOU don't want her here? Princess Buttercup is not interrupting anything! You are!ADVISORI understand, but-
STEPHEN raises his cane to the ADVISOR, who rolls his eyes and strolls towards the dog.
STEPHENAnd if I see ONE mention of my daughter's involvement in this company on that Twitter thing the kids use, I will know it was you.ADVISOROh, fuck you...
ADVISOR picks up the dog and leaves the room.
STEPHENNo, fu-
(The ADVISOR shuts the door as STEPHEN attempts to finish his line. STEPHEN clears his throat.)
Now that it's obvious, I can't trust anyone to test my new element in my labs. I need to know if this is worth anything as an energy source. Can I trust you?XI live for chemistry and weapons building, but I don't think I can do this for you. The risk of being discovered would be too high at my lab.STEPHENI want a Nobel Prize!XGo write a collection of short stories, then.STEPHENI already tried that! They didn't like it. I want this element to provide sustainable energy for neighborhoods that don't have it!
(STEPHEN slumps into his chair again.)
My daughter's right, I've made a whole mess of the world, and this is my chance to make it up to her...XThe world that you wrecked isn't my problem.STEPHENYou need to do this for me, and your name can be right next to mine in the shining lights! Lights lit with this element! If that's what it does. All I ask is that I get to name it. I'm thinking "Buttercuperanium" for my sweet baby puppy!XMr. Lightbourne, with all due respect, I work for money, not prizes or fame.STEPHENWhere's all the fun in that? Working for me, you could have it all! Just imagine it!
He sings.
TONIGHT I'M GOING TO HAVE MYSELF
A REAL GOOD TIME
I FEEL ALIVE AND THE WORLD
I'LL TURN IT INSIDE OUT,
YEAH I'M FLOATING AROUND IN ECSTASY SO
DON'T STOP ME NOW, DON'T STOP ME
'CAUSE I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME
HAVING A GOOD TIME
I'M A SHOOTING STAR LEAPING THROUGH THE SKY LIKE A TIGER
DEFYING THE LAWS OF GRAVITY
I'M A RACING CAR PASSING BY LIKE LADY GODIVA I'M GONNA GO, GO, GO THERE'S NO STOPPING ME
I'M BURNIN' THROUGH THE SKY,
YEAH 200 DEGREES
THAT'S WHY THEY CALL ME MISTER FAHRENHEIT
I'M TRAVELING AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT
I WANNA MAKE A SUPERSONIC MAN OUT OF YOU
I'M HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME, I'M HAVING A BALL DON'T STOP ME NOW,
IF YOU WANNA HAVE A GOOD TIME
JUST GIVE ME A CALL
DON'T STOP ME NOW
'CAUSE I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME
DON'T STOP ME NOW
YES, I'M HAVIN' A GOOD TIME
I DON'T WANT TO STOP AT ALL
YEAH, I'M A ROCKET SHIP ON MY WAY TO MARS
ON A COLLISION COURSE
I AM A SATELLITE I'M OUT OF CONTROL
I AM A SEX MACHINE READY TO RELOAD
LIKE AN ATOM BOMB ABOUT TO
OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, EXPLODE
I'M BURNIN' THROUGH THE SKY, YEAH 200 DEGREES THAT'S WHY THEY CALL ME MISTER FAHRENHEIT
I'M TRAVELING AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT
I WANNA MAKE A SUPERSONIC WOMAN OF YOU-
(Spoken.)
X, name your price.XI want five thousand pounds an hour for research. I want 40% of the profits of any technology I make for you. I also want to keep Kelly on board with the MI6 mission for a couple more days, so John Chase doesn't suspect anything while researching the element.STEPHENDeal.XIs it that easy?STEPHENI'm a billionaire. Money means nothing to me anymore. Let's shake on it, my dear.
During this piece, STEPHEN and X shake hands. X hands over a bankers box full of documents, and STEPHEN hands her a briefcase with giant letters "buttercuperanium" as a label. She holds her hand out, because that briefcase wasn't enough. He hesitates, but then hands her another briefcase full of money.
STEPHEN sings, dancing with X. She's still bored, unimpressed, even at the notion of the both characters getting exactly what they want in this moment. STEPHEN, on the other hand, is the most excited, gleeful character.
DON'T STOP ME, DON'T STOP ME
DON'T STOP ME, HEY, HEY, HEY
DON'T STOP ME, DON'T STOP ME OOH, OOH, OOH,
I LIKE IT
DON'T STOP ME, DON'T STOP ME
HAVE A GOOD TIME, GOOD TIME
DON'T STOP ME, DON'T STOP ME,
AH LET LOOSE,
HONEY, ALL RIGHT OH,
I'M BURNIN' THROUGH THE SKY, YEAH 200 DEGREES THAT'S WHY THEY CALL ME MISTER FAHRENHEIT I'M TRAVELING AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT I WANNA MAKE A SUPERSONIC MAN OUT OF YOU I'M HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME
I'M HAVING A BALL (DON'T STOP ME NOW) IF YOU WANNA HAVE A GOOD TIME (ALRIGHT) JUST GIVE ME A CALL
DON'T STOP ME NOW
'CAUSE I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME
DON'T STOP ME NOW
YES, I'M HAVIN' A GOOD TIME I DON'T WANT TO STOP AT ALL
LA-DA-DA-DA-DAH DA-DA-DA-HA
HA-DA-DA, HA-HA-HA
HA-DA-DA, HA-DA-DA-AH
STEPHEN flourishes, but X's walkie goes off for the audience to hear. JOHN's voice comes through.
JOHNX? I don't know what's going on. Maybe the signals are wrong or something, but we need to know what to do next-
(the sound of the two radios getting too close to each other happens)
Ah! Okay, I think we are getting closer to where you are-
X scrambles to her walkie, and tries to search through multiple briefcases. This is going to be a bit going forward that this character can't keep the multiple, plot-important briefcases straight.
XJohn! Go back to the floor now!STEPHENWhy did we do this elaborate number, I knew we should've cut it off, but that finale was magnificent!JOHN
(mostly taking a teasing tone, but X is NOT matching the playful energy.)
You know, X, it's unprofessional for you to have your radio off during a mission-XIf you have a problem with how I'm running this mission, you can take it up with M. We have less than a week until all of us get fired, remember?
(The whine of feedback radios coming too close repeats)
Chase, turn back to the casino NOW.JOHNI'm not bringing Charlie back there. There's no way.XNow. 007, that's an order.CHARLIEYes sir, bye!X
(turns off comms)
That was close...
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
We return to another pillow fort, this time with CASS. The phone rings.
CASSWhy did you pardon me, M?
The actor for M can fumble a bit here to get onto stage for comedic effect. The actor may not be ready from a quick change after just being on stage as STEPHEN.
MEasy. John asked for it.CASSDid he?MYes. Incessantly so. X was able to provide the documentation proving your innocence. With less than a week until the double-O program is dissolved, it'd be irresponsible for me to add you to any missions. Good day, Cassandra.CASSHe wanted me back. That's so sweet... But why in the world would he take me back?
She sings.
MAYBE I WAS STUPID FOR TELLING YOU GOODBYE.
MAYBE I WAS WRONG FOR TRYIN' TO PICK A FIGHT.
I KNOW THAT I'VE GOT ISSUES
BUT YOU'RE PRETTY MESSED UP TOO
EITHER WAY, I FOUND OUT I'M NOTHING WITHOUT YOU
'CAUSE WE BELONG TOGETHER NOW,
YEAH FOREVER UNITED HERE SOMEHOW,
YEAH YOU GOT A PIECE OF ME
AND HONESTLY MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT YOU
BEING WITH YOU IS SO DYSFUNCTIONAL
I REALLY SHOULDN'T MISS YOU
BUT I CAN'T LET YOU GO
OH YEAH
'CAUSE WE BELONG TOGETHER NOW,
YEAH, YEAH,
FOREVER UNITED HERE SOMEHOW, YEAH YOU GOT A PIECE OF ME
AND HONESTLY MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT YOU
'CAUSE WE BELONG TOGETHER NOW FOREVER UNITED HERE SOMEHOW, YEAH
YOU GOT A PIECE OF ME, AND HONESTLY
MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT YOU
(Spoken.)
I've got to call him right now-
CASS grabs the phone, it rings, and X picks it up.
XJohn Chase's phone, he's not available. Call back later.CASSWAIT! X! It's me!XJesus, Cass. How did you get this number?CASSM said you helped get a pardon for me, why are you acting like this?XJohn couldn't focus on the mission with you gone, so I whipped up some documents and saved your reputation myself.CASSWow. I didn't know you were capable of being nice.XI'm not nice, I didn't do this for you. My job is also at the double-O program, remember?CASSWell, I could've been back as a 00, but I don't think M is going to go through with it.XYou're not accepted back into the MI6 as a 00. That wasn't the deal. You were only absolved of international crimes against the Crown. You won't be granted 00 agency ever again.CASSCan you just put me through to John?XNo. He's busy. You don't have clearance to talk to him while he's on a mission, Cass.CASSX, don't give me any of that confidentiality stuff. You know who I am.
Over X's earpiece, the audience can hear Kelly.
KELLY (V.O.)So there's another woman?CASSWhat is John doing then?XKelly-CASSWHAT?!?!!
X reacts appropriately to CASS screaming in her earpiece.
XHuh? No, Cass, forget that- I'm going to have to talk to you later. This is a bad time, just-
(the line clicks.)
Well, that could've gone better.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
CHARLIE goes back into the audience, this time feigning being back at the casino, and lightly strums "Wonderwall" while KELLY and JOHN talk in the stage set like a hotel room. KELLY walks on stage with 2 martinis in hand.
KELLYRoom service-JOHNI didn't order anything, not even you...KELLYBesides our shameless flirting attempts then, why are you here, Mr. Chase? I read up on almost everything about you. I see only minimal efforts on your part towards environmentalism.JOHNI care about the environment? I recycle.KELLYThen you're here to stop my father's business dealings with me?JOHNMy means seem to serve yours.
KELLY sits closer to JOHN, pressing against his side.
KELLYThen you must have some opinion on how to solve the world's geopolitical atmosphere gaseous inequalities?JOHNWell, I-KELLYOr how to solve global climate change and its effects on the socioeconomic standings of the citizens of developing countries.JOHNI know that climate change... Is bad... And that it should stop... Changing...KELLYThen I'm left to assume our meeting doesn't have anything to do with me, does it? Are you trying to take my father down without any motivation then?JOHNYou're right, it's not concerning the environment. The MI6 is being sabotaged from within, and we have reasonable belief your dad knows who it is. If I don't find out who's doing this in a couple of days, the entire 00 program is getting shut down.KELLYIsn't that a good thing for you though? The transcripts from your previous missions suggest you've been wanting to leave the MI6 for quite a while now.JOHNAre you planning on telling me why your father is buying all of these documents?KELLYWell, where's the fun if there's no room to lay chase in the discussion, Mr. Chase? Aren't you supposed to be a simple effectual charmer first, and a servant of the crown second?JOHNI don't have time for what you're suggesting. If you chase two rabbits, you won't catch either one.
KELLY leans back in her chair.
KELLYSo there's another woman?JOHN
(suddenly defensive)
I'm wholly unattached. It was simply a reference to the mission.KELLYThen there's nothing stopping me from doing this-
KELLY leans forward again and starts singing.
ANY WAY YOU WANT IT,
THAT'S THE WAY YOU NEED IT
ANY WAY YOU WANT IT
JOHN
SHE LOVES TO LAUGH, SHE LOVES TO SING,
KELLY
SHE DOES EVERYTHING.
JOHN
SHE DOES EVERYTHING.
SHE LOVES TO MOVE, SHE LOVES TO GROOVE
SHE LOVES THE LOVIN' THINGS
(Spoken.)
X dials and calls CASS back. CASS angrily answers. They speak.
XOkay, Cass, we need to start this call again. If you could get into the computer system, you'd know that John's on a mission right now with a woman named Kelly. She's the daughter of one of the main buyers of the leaked MI6 info that the 00 programs have been trying to find.CASSIs this supposed to make me feel better?XNo. John needs to focus and not waste so much time with her.CASSHang on... Is that jealousy in your voice, X? You better not like John, or we're going to have problems.XOh my god, no.
(beat)
Not John... Ew.CASSWAIT.XShut UP! The only reason I called you is that John and Kelly are in a hotel room alone together!CASSWHAT??!!
They sing.
X
IT WON'T BE LONG, YEAH,
'TIL YOU'RE ALONE
WHEN YOUR LOVER,
CASS
OH, HE HASN'T COME HOME, OOH
X
'CAUSE HE'S LOVIN'
CASS
LOVIN'
X
HE'S TOUCHIN'
CASS
TOUCHIN'
X
HE'S SQUEEZIN' ANOTHER
CASS
ANOTHER!!
KELLY
ANY WAY YOU WANT IT,
THAT'S THE WAY YOU NEED IT,
ANYWAY YOU WANT IT
JOHN
ANY WAY YOU WANT IT
X
HE SAID, ANY WAY YOU WANT IT,
THAT'S THE WAY YOU NEED IT,
ANY WAY YOU WANT IT, OOH.
ENSEMBLE
NA NA NA NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA NA
NA NA NA NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA NA
JOHN
I WAS ALONE,
I NEVER KNEW WHAT GOOD LOVE COULD DO
KELLY
THEN WE TOUCHED, THEN WE SANG,
ABOUT THE LOVELY THINGS
X
'CAUSE HE'S LOVIN'
CASS
LOVIN'
X
HE'S TOUCHIN'
CASS
TOUCHIN'
X
HE'S SQUEEZIN' ANOTHER
CASS
ANOTHER!!
JOHN
ANY WAY YOU WANT IT,
THAT'S THE WAY YOU NEED IT,
ANYWAY YOU WANT IT
KELLY
ANY WAY YOU WANT IT
HE SAID, ANY WAY YOU WANT IT,
THAT'S THE WAY YOU NEED IT,
ANY WAY YOU WANT IT,
JOHN
OOH!
ENSEMBLE
NA NA NA NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA NA
NA NA NA NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA NA
JOHN and KELLY pull in for a kiss, but before actually making contact, JOHN speaks.
JOHNI missed you, Cassandra-KELLYWho the fuck do you think you're talking to?
JOHN suddenly pushes KELLY back, wiping his lips.
JOHNNo. Nononononononono, Kelly, I am so sorry, I can't do this, not right now.KELLYIt's fine. I get it.KELLY walks off.JOHNKelly, no! Wait!
(KELLY just keeps walking, and JOHN pulls out his phone.)
Call Cassandra.
The phone rings, but it gets the busy tone. In actuality, CASS at this moment of time is on the phone with X. JOHN walks off stage in the opposite direction as KELLY.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
KELLY is in the process of walking away, but X stops her.
XHey, wait, where are you going?KELLYDon't talk to me.XWe haven't met. Kelly, I'm X. I work with-KELLYYou're John's quartermaster. I know.XOh, really? You read about me? That's so awesome... I mean, it's not awesome that your dad's buying government secrets, and that you've read them, but it's awesome that you're here, with us! Helping us... Incriminate your dad for crimes against the Crown... You know what, can I start over?KELLYDo I have to be a part of this mission anymore?XYes, you've been selected as a vital informant in keeping the 00 programs afloat-KELLYThen I quit.
(KELLY goes to keep walking away, but X steps in front of her)
I'm not a spy, I'm not royalty, I'm not a scientist like you, what else do you need me to do?XPlease stay, Kelly. I know you're out here because of John; he messed this up. Big time. I apologize for that. But you are a vital part in all of this.
(beat as KELLY makes a move to go around X.)
I mean this in the most genuine way, and I don't want to be this person, but you and I, Dove, we're different from the others.KELLYDon't call me that. I take my position at the United Nations seriously, you can't reduce it to a nickname.
KELLY still makes another move to go around X. KELLY is almost successful, when X stops KELLY in her tracks with the next line.
XOh, I know. Maybe you take it even too seriously. I read up on you, too. I'm not the only one who likes secrets and spies here, am I? You think you're the only one bending the rules of diplomacy?KELLY
(defiantly)
I don't know what you're talking about.XI think you do, Dove.
(another beat, X is expecting KELLY to try to leave again, but she doesn't.)
And I think that you and I could do more than the MI6. You know, something like just us.
(She sings.)
During this song, it is increasingly evident that KELLY still thinks X is talking about the mission/work FOR the MI6. In contrast, X secretly wants KELLY to join her endeavor in building weapons and taking down the MI6 but also takes a romantic interest in her.
MANY TIMES I'VE TRIED TO TELL YOU
MANY TIMES I'VE CRIED ALONE
ALWAYS I'M SURPRISED HOW WELL YOU CUT MY FEELINGS TO THE BONE
DON'T WANNA LEAVE YOU REALLY
I'VE INVESTED TOO MUCH TIME
TO GIVE YOU UP THAT EASY
TO THE DOUBTS THAT COMPLICATE YOUR MIND
WE BELONG TO THE LIGHT WE BELONG TO THE THUNDER
WE BELONG TO THE SOUND OF THE WORDS
WE'VE BOTH FALLEN UNDER
WHATEVER WE DENY OR EMBRACE
FOR WORSE OR FOR BETTER
WE BELONG, WE BELONG, WE BELONG TOGETHER
KELLY
MAYBE IT'S A SIGN OF WEAKNESS
WHEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY
MAYBE I JUST WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY STRENGTH ANYWAY
HAVE WE BECOME A HABIT?
DO WE DISTORT THE FACTS?
NOW, THERE'S NO LOOKING FORWARD NOW,
THERE'S NO TURNING BACK
WHEN YOU SAY WE BELONG TO THE LIGHT
WE BELONG TO THE THUNDER
WE BELONG TO THE SOUND OF THE WORDS
WE'VE BOTH FALLEN UNDER
WHATEVER WE DENY OR EMBRACE
FOR WORSE OR FOR BETTER WE BELONG, WE BELONG
WE BELONG TOGETHER
CLOSE YOUR EYES AND TRY TO SLEEP NOW
CLOSE YOUR EYES AND TRY TO DREAM
CLEAR YOUR MIND AND DO YOUR BEST
TO TRY AND WASH THE PALETTE CLEAN
WE CAN'T BEGIN TO KNOW IT
HOW MUCH WE REALLY CARE
I HEAR YOUR VOICE INSIDE ME
I SEE YOUR FACE EVERYWHERE
STILL YOU SAY WE BELONG TO THE LIGHT
WE BELONG TO THE THUNDER
WE BELONG TO THE SOUND OF THE WORDS
WE'VE BOTH FALLEN UNDER
WHATEVER WE DENY OR EMBRACE
FOR WORSE OR FOR BETTER
WE BELONG, WE BELONG WE BELONG TOGETHER
X
(in more of a ballad)
WE BELONG TO THE LIGHT
WE BELONG TO THE THUNDER
WE BELONG TO THE SOUND OF THE WORDS
WE'VE BOTH FALLEN UNDER
WHATEVER WE DENY OR EMBRACE
FOR WORSE OR FOR BETTER
WE BELONG, WE BELONG
(Spoken.)
So can you stay?KELLYI can stay for now.
X smiles for the first time this entire show, and KELLY notices. X snaps out of it and reaches into one of her multiple briefcases around her. X digs around, and makes faces as she continues to reach into the wrong one.
XYou know, if you're into spies, I used to-
(beat)
I mean- I was going to show you this to give you some peace of mind and keep you safe in case John messes up again. I made in case you agreed to stay with the mission.
(X pulls out a new pair of heels for KELLY and puts them out in front of her.)
I thought you could use something nice in exchange for helping us save this dying international spy program and all.KELLY
(taps her foot on the ground lightly.)
Are these the famous poison dart shoes?XWhat? No, those were extremely dangerous. These are guns.KELLYI'm- Did you buy me Louboutin? Is this real?XWell, they're not exactly real? I got them at the Louboutin store. And I replaced the leather because I know you're conscious about the environment and animal welfare, so it's a vegan shoe. To be completely honest, there's not a lot left of the original shoe, because I had to retrofit the entire thing-
(pauses as KELLY tilts her head a little in fascination. X starts to ramble as she gets nervous.)
If you don't like them, I'm sure I could return them. Well, maybe not, and I don't think Ebay's going to let me resell them. I can't really wear them in the lab, but I'm sure I could find some-KELLYI love them. Thank you, X.
(Beat as KELLY puts on the shoes, X stammers because she doesn't want to admit her crush on KELLY. KELLY quickly hugs X and lets go.)
I'll see you later, X. I still have to think about all of this. I don't even know your real name. I can't just risk everything right now.
X sputters, about to spill everything to KELLY. If she wasn't under the confines of the MI6, she would've talked about everything right then.
XWait, no, that's not it. I just can't tell you anything yet. It's classified...
(KELLY again leaves the stage. X collapses onto a bench onstage, head in hands. She knows she messed up. X is alone for a beat when CHARLIE leans up from a table in the audience.)
JESUS! Where have you been this entire time?CHARLIEYeah, you know, I was backstage for a little bit, got kinda bored, came out here, got ignored some more, you guys had this excellent quartet moment thing, then this little duet, so I didn't want to interrupt that, but I thought I'd just say hi right now, and then you guys can just get back to what you were doing.XListen, kid. The grownups are on a mission right now.CHARLIENo, no, I get it...XCool.
(X opens up her computer, begins typing, and sees CHARLIE still standing there.)
Do you want to come back on stage?CHARLIEYes please.
CHARLIE comes up on stage and sits on the bench in X's personal space bubble. He knocks over one of X's briefcases that was previously next to her.
X
(With thick sarcasm)
Oh, you can just put that anywhere...CHARLIEAwesome. Thanks for being so cool, X.
(CHARLIE swings his feet back and forth, moves his thumbs around, drumming his fingers on the guitar case, etc. X is getting progressively more and more upset. CHARLIE then opens the guitar case and starts strumming Wonderwall again.)
So what can I do?XJust sit there. Silently.CHARLIEWell, that's no fun. Even the lovable sidekick is supposed to be present. I feel more out of place than Matt Damon fighting a war at the Great Wall... I think that-XYou're not here to think, kid. You're here to do exactly what John and I tell you to do. If you want to help, take this to John's room. He's in the hotel, probably moping again.
Without looking, X hands CHARLIE the wrong briefcase next to her.
CHARLIEOH COOL! This is sort of like Matt Damon too-
(CHARLIE pauses after opening the briefcase that has a green light inside, reflecting on his face. CHARLIE quickly shuts the briefcase.)
So, quick question...X
(irritated, gritting her teeth)
What.CHARLIEWhat's "buttercuperanium"?
X frantically snatches the briefcase from CHARLIE and shuts the case violently.
XIT'S NOTHING. You. Saw. Nothing.CHARLIEThen why does your other briefcase have a ton of money in it?XI meant to hand you the case with the comm systems.
(X's voice gets low and threatening.)
Not a single word to John about this. Now get out of here.
CHARLIE seemingly doesn't understand what just happened, but up for interpretation whether he's just ignoring what happened for his own safety, or genuinely has no social skills.
CHARLIE
(Calmly)
Okay. Bye X!
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
CHARLIE walks back onto the stage where JOHN is face first in the hotel room bed where KELLY left him.
CHARLIEX wanted me to give you this; she said you were sad.
CHARLIE walks to put the briefcase onto the floor by JOHN. When JOHN doesn't move to grab it, CHARLIE moves the briefcase a couple inches closer to JOHN.
JOHNI'm not sad. Why does she always think I'm sad when I'm perfectly fine...CHARLIEBestie, if you're fine, you have to flip over or you're going to break out. These sheets are not a high enough thread count for you to be wallowing in sorrow so boldly-JOHN
(face still stuffed in the pillow)
Please leave me alone. I'm not moving. Maybe I'll just smother myself. Is there a high enough thread count for me to do that?CHARLIEI mean, most sheets would be able to do that, but it'd involve moving too...JOHNGrab my gun, then. It's over there, it looks like a watch.CHARLIEOkay. Oh my gosh, this is just like when Matt Damon was trying to find a bomber- Is it this watch?
(CHARLIE picks up the watch and takes a close look at it, and shakes it around)
Mr. Chase, is this the one? It's not ticking at all. Unless-
CHARLIE brings the watch WAY too close to his face and starts clicking it. JOHN JUMPS out of the bed and runs to CHARLIE, screaming.
JOHNOH MY GOD!!
(JOHN takes a breath, hands on his knees in the tripod position, trying to recover from his boss's nephew almost shooting himself in the face)
Do you have a death wish?
CHARLIE is completely unfazed by this interaction.
CHARLIEYou're the one who wanted me to hand you your gun after saying you wanted to smother yourself. I don't think I'm the one with the problem here...JOHNUGH!X
(V.O. over the earpiece, not on stage)
M's got an update about this mission. Is this a bad time-JOHNYes.XThought so-JOHNYou can put M through. Being unemployed isn't the worst thing that can happen anymore.MWhy the hell has Stephen Lightbourne left the hotel? And why haven't you done a single thing to stop him? You had one mission, Mr. Chase, to find Lightbourne and bring him in for questioning so we could find the mole.JOHNDid he leave?MHe did, Chase. I'm so proud of you for not shooting anyone this go-around, but a smoking gun represents an actual effort on your part. Remind me, Chase, what have you actually accomplished since scene one?JOHNThat's not fair, M. We've been-MAnd why is Charlie telling me Kelly's trying to leave this mission? I gave you DIRECT intelligence to find out who's endangering the 00 programs, and you've wasted it! Look at what your charms do, Mr. Chase.JOHNThen I'll find Stephen Lightbourne. He couldn't have gone far.MWhen Stephen Lightbourne came into the UK, he crossed a line that the CIA wasn't able to cross. He also has his personal security team. You're running a dangerous game, Chase, bringing others who aren't trained double O's to go after him.JOHNI know...
(passively)
Where's Cass when I need her?MCassandra was absolved of any crimes, but she won't be reinstated as a 00.JOHNWHAT?!? Cass is back, and no one bothered to tell me?MDid you not know? There's no time to waste on that, you need to catch up to Stephen now. And if you could go about this piece of the mission without killing every single lead we hand you, that would be greatly appreciated...XIf I could intrude, M, I did finish 00 training-MOut of the question. Quartermasters do not go into the field.
(X rolls her eyes.)
You know the rules of the game, Mr. Chase. Go play with your friends. You're all dismissed to get Kelly back and detain the Lightbournes.
The line clicks. Without hesitating, JOHN gets into X's face, upset. X, still being upset she couldn't join the mission has a flat affect.
JOHNWhy didn't you tell me Cass was back? Why didn't she call?XShe did call.JOHNWHAT? Why didn't you tell me any of this?XCass was a distraction to you completing this mission, but obviously, her absence worsened things. You can contact her after the mission.
JOHN is about to protest when CHARLIE walks back onto the stage with KELLY, playing Wonderwall on his guitar as they walk on. KELLY makes a small smile at X while wearing the shoes she gave her.
JOHNKelly, you're staying? Are we-KELLYIf we don't talk about it, it never happened. Deal?JOHNDeal.CHARLIEAre we going to go on this mission or not?JOHNDid you miss the entire conversation where we said this mission would be too dangerous for you two? You're just civilians, not agents.CHARLIEI mean, yeah, I was backstage practicing my fighting techniques with Kelly. She's got a gun in her shoes, and I've got these!
(CHARLIE punches the air, he's surprisingly built.)
I'm basically a 00.XKeep those to yourself.
(beat)
I'm still not giving him any weapons.
JOHN and CHARLIE leave the stage. CHARLIE is extremely excited, while JOHN is just trying to get ready for action.
KELLY and X are left together on stage.
KELLYThank you.XIt's nice to see you back.KELLYI don't think I'm ready for a real mission, X.XJohn will be there. And you know, if he messes up again, I'll be here.KELLYThank you. Let's talk later, just us.
KELLY smiles, and walks off. X stands for a second, but doesn't follow. Lights go down.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
A brass cover of "Seven Nation Army" plays, mimicking the iconic Bond horns. JOHN, KELLY, and CHARLIE go to the middle of the stage, while X calls STEPHEN, one on each of the wings. STEPHEN is cuddling Princess Buttercup, the dog, when X calls.
XStephen, John Chase is heading to the warehouse.STEPHENLet him. He's going to be outnumbered anyway. It'll be nice to get rid of the pest.XBut what if you're wrong? Just give me a few more days to distract him while I can get a good idea of the element's capabilities. Then you can stand off with him. Kelly's with him too, so it's best if we don't show.STEPHENYou're probably right. I won't show then. I'd rather you spend your time researching the element.
JOHN, KELLY, and CHARLIE are basically in a montage as best portrayed through the stage. They go in a cardboard car (Think "Spies are Forever" and how they did their chase) and having the actors miming going into a warehouse. Instrumental is still going on through this dialogue. JOHN pulls them behind a stack of boxes, and the three of them are sitting behind it.
KELLYWhy did we go from a six-star resort to this dumpster fire of a warehouse?JOHNIt's not that bad...CHARLIENo, there was literally a dumpster on fire outside. We were just on the beach like Matt Damon.JOHNYou didn't just compare Normandy Beach to the beach resort we were at. I KNOW you didn't just do that.CHARLIEREGARDLESS, this place sucks, where are we?JOHNLightbourne then started buying the information directly from the mole here as well. This is where Stephen had been meeting the dealer, Brad. Before he died. For a completely unknown reason. A reason that didn't involve me at all...CHARLIEIf you say it like that, it makes everyone think you had something to do with it.KELLYIt's true. Did you kill someone?JOHNI have a license to kill. It's kind of my thing...
(CHARLIE and KELLY slowly scootch away from JOHN, wide-eyed)
Not you two! Are you kidding me? Get back over here, Stephen and his security team are supposed to come in at any minute! They're going to see you!
A door opens, and multiple people step on stage. STEPHEN is not there, and neither is X.
CHARLIEWho are these guys? Which one's your dad, Kelly?KELLYI've never seen any of them before.CHARLIEMaybe they're here to help us? Like the CIA?JOHNThey can't be those idiots. Would you just be quiet?CHARLIEWait-
(gasps)
Maybe they're robots. This is just like when Matt Damon was trying to break up the billionaires.KELLYMy dad was trying to do something with robots last year.CHARLIEOh my god, wig.KELLYRight? I spent months speaking out about how the project was a horrible idea, and that the mining and production process of the metal plates was poisoning a village in Greenland, but the robot idea was actually kind of cool.JOHNWhat?
(whispers as the new people come by where the three are hiding.)
Be quiet! X, what are we looking at? CIA?XEw. Not them... They're probably here to clear the area for Stephen. Just stay down, he should be coming in soon.
(X pulls out her phone to call STEPHEN, but JOHN answers his own phone.)
Who are these people?JOHNI just asked you that?XNever mind...
X shuts off her earpiece and calls STEPHEN again.
STEPHENHow's the element study going, Agent?XQuit the nicknames, Lightbourne. You said you weren't coming to the rendezvous point.STEPHENI didn't.XThen who is this at the warehouse?STEPHENOH! You know what, I completely forgot, I made some deals with another weapons manufacturer before hiring you to research the buttercuperanium. That is so silly of me, I told them I wasn't going to pay them if you were going to do all the work. And I told them that we'd be meeting here tonight.XWHAT?!?! Are you insane? Kelly's down there!STEPHENI just thought meeting them would scare you into doing the research faster, AND it'd give you a chance to practice your 00 skills, it was going to be a good time for everyone. They don't care about Kelly, they were only going to kill you or John.XYou weren't coming regardless-STEPHENIt was just convenient for me that you put John Chase there instead. The faster the MI6 dissolves, the better for me and you anyway. And what better ending is there than the death of the MI6's golden boy himself.XYou're a monster.STEPHENI'm a billionaire, X. I didn't get here by being a good person.XFuck you.X slams her phone shut.STEPHENNo, fuck you- Dammnnit.
X turns her earpiece back on and brings attention back to JOHN, KELLY, and CHARLIE, who have been frozen.
XGet out of there, John. Those guys aren't Stephen's security team.JOHNI can take them. X, four guys aren't an issue.CHARLIEYeah, they aren't.KELLYTrue...JOHNWould you two SHUT UP?XJust find the exit John, you have Charlie and Kelly, remember?JOHNShit.
(addressing CHARLIE and KELLY.)
We're bailing. Duck your heads and look for an exit.CHARLIEBut what about being a spy-JOHNThis is for everyone's safety.
(points to the theatre's actual exit.)
See that? We're leaving.
JOHN, KELLY, and CHARLIE start crawling towards the actual exit of the theatre, but the group of bad guys sees them.
THUG 1Do you work for Stephen?JOHNNo. We were just leaving-
(The group of thugs pull out actual gun-shaped guns, and KELLY and CHARLIE gasp.)
There's been a misunderstanding here, there's no need for this-THUG 2You were just leaving? You're not going anywhere until Stephen shows up. If he doesn't, we're going to kill you.KELLYYou wouldn't do that.
THUG 1 shoots their gun into the air.
THUG 1Do you think so?CHARLIEI've got an idea to distract them.JOHNThis better not be Wonderwall, I swear to God.CHARLIENo, better. It's a musical comedy. Just like Matt Damon.JOHNWHAT?!
CHARLIE takes a deep breath, shakes it out, and honestly just delivers this song. It's a big mashup, potentially the flashiest thing in the entire show. At first, the THUG characters are confused, but eventually work their way up to singing backup and dancing. CHARLIE is performing Variety-Show-level and going all out.
CHARLIE
LOOKIN' FOR A LOVER WHO NEEDS ANOTHER
I DON'T WANT ANOTHER NIGHT ON MY OWN
WANT TO SHARE MY LOVE WITH A WARM-BLOODED LOVER
WANT TO BRING A WILD MAN BACK HOME
GOTTA HAVE SOME HOT LOVE BABY THIS EVENIN'
I NEED SOME HOT STUFF BABY TONIGHT
I WANT SOME HOT STUFF BABY THIS EVENIN'
GOTTA HAVE SOME LOVIN'
GOTTA HAVE LOVE TONIGHT
I NEED HOT STUFF
HOT LOVE
LOOKIN' FOR HOT LOVE
KELLY
HUMIDITY IS RISING
CHARLIE
MMM RISING-
KELLY
BAROMETER'S GETTING LOW
CHARLIE
HOW LOW, GIRL? UH-OH
KELLY
ACCORDING TO ALL SOURCES-
CHARLIE
WHAT SOURCES, NOW?
KELLY
THE STREET'S THE PLACE TO GO.
CHARLIE
WE'D BETTER HURRY UP
CAUSE TONIGHT FOR THE FIRST TIME
JUST ABOUT HALF-PAST TEN
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY
IT'S GONNA START RAINING MEN!
KELLY
START RAINING MEN!
CHARLIE
IT'S RAINING MEN! HALLELUJAH!
IT'S RAINING MEN! AMEN!
I'M GONNA GO OUT TO RUN AND LET MYSELF GET ABSOLUTELY SOAKING WET!
IT'S RAINING MEN! HALLELUJAH!
IT'S RAINING MEN! EVERY SPECIMEN!
TALL, BLONDE, DARK AND LEAN ROUGH AND TOUGH AND STRONG AND MEAN
GOD BLESS MOTHER NATURE,
SHE'S A SINGLE WOMAN TOO
SHE TOOK OFF TO HEAVEN
AND SHE DID WHAT SHE HAD TO DO
SHE TAUGHT EVERY ANGEL
AND REARRANGED THE SKY
SO THAT EACH AND EVERY WOMAN
COULD FIND HER PERFECT GUY
IT'S RAINING MEN! HALLELUJAH!
IT'S RAINING MEN! AMEN!
IT'S RAINING MEN! HALLELUJAH!
IT'S RAINING MEN! AMEN!
KELLY
I'D RATHER BE DRY, BUT AT LEAST I'M ALIVE
CHARLIE
RAIN ON ME, RAIN, RAIN
RAIN ON ME, RAIN, RAIN
KELLY
I'D RATHER BE DRY, BUT AT LEAST I'M ALIVE-
CHARLIE
RAIN ON ME, RAIN, RAIN, RAIN ON ME
HOW'S ABOUT SOME HOT STUFF BABY THIS EVENIN'
I NEED SOME HOT STUFF BABY TONIGHT
LOOKIN' FOR MY HOT STUFF BABY THIS EVENIN'
I NEED SOME HOT STUFF BABY TONIGHT, YEAH-YEAH
I WANT SOME HOT STUFF THIS EVENIN'
I WANT SOME HOT STUFF BABY TONIGHT-
CHARLIE takes a beat, a deep breath and falls to the ground in a ballroom drop. KELLY starts clapping to start the audience if they're unfamiliar with the drop.
JOHNWhat the hell was that?KELLYArt!
JOHN starts walking towards the exit of the theatre. KELLY helps CHARLIE up to follow, who's still on the ground from the drop if that's possible(?), But one of the thugs puts CHARLIE in a headlock.
JOHNAre you KIDDING ME?
(JOHN points his watch/gun at the thug, who puts their own gun up to CHARLIE's head.)
How did you cock that up?CHARLIEYou can yell at me all you want. I've seen enough movies to know that distracting the bad guys works every time!JOHNShit.
JOHN and KELLY get walked off the stage by the other thugs.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
JOHN, KELLY, and CHARLIE are all sitting on the floor. CHARLIE is seated and playing "Wonderwall" again and trying to get JOHN to sing along.
CHARLIE
THERE ARE MANY THINGS THAT I WANT TO SAY TO YOU-
(pauses and looks at JOHN, prompting him to continue. He doesn't.)
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW, I SAID MAYBE,
YOU'RE GONNA BE THE ONE THAT SAVES ME
AND AFTER ALL, YOU'RE MY-
(pauses again, but this time JOHN is giving CHARLIE a death glare)
WONDERWALL,
I SAID MAYBE,
YOU'RE GONNA BE THE ONE THAT SAVES ME
AND AFTER ALL, YOU'RE MY-
(pauses again)
WONDERWALL-
JOHN stands up quickly. He's had enough.
JOHNFor FUCKS SAKE, do you know any other song??CHARLIEUm, no. You are not taking this attitude with me. At the beginning of the show, I already told you that if you sang Wonderwall with me, I'd stop.JOHNI'm not singing bloody Wonderwall with you. You've been singing it nonstop for two hours now.CHARLIEThen you already know the words. 5, 6, 7, 8-
CHARLIE hits the first chord, but JOHN grabs the neck of the guitar and pulls it away. CHARLIE tries to grab for it, but KELLY steps in the middle of the two of them.
KELLYGuys! We have to focus our energy on getting out of here, not whatever you're talking about! I just want to go home.JOHNDoes he know ANY other song?CHARLIEHe does.
CHARLIE starts to strum the beginning of "Don't Look Back In Anger" also by Oasis.
JOHNBloody hell. I'd rather go back to the torture at Casino Royale than be here right now.CHARLIEWhat happened at the Casino Royale?JOHNNever mind, you don't have the balls for it.THUG 1All of you! Chairs! Now!JOHNWell, this is closer...KELLYNow we don't want to know what happened at Casino Royale.CHARLIESpeak for yourself...
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
X, CASSANDRA, and M are sitting at M's desk, back at the MI6.
CASSM, you have to let me into the field to save them.MI will do nothing of the sort. You are not employed by the MI6 any longer. All you have is an expunged record, Cassandra. Your methods of espionage prove that my trust was misplaced in you.CASSI got closer to the answer of finding who the MI6's mole than John ever had.MYou and John caused an international incident together. You two are far from able to speak about any victories.
It is unclear to the audience at this point, and up for interpretation whether CASS at this moment knows that the mole of the MI6 is X or not. The two of them need each other in this moment, but whether CASS is reporting this next line out of unknowing, or trying to get into X's head can be left to director/actor choice.
CASSWe were able to figure out they were an MI6 quartermaster!XWhat?CASSWe didn't figure out who it was, but it's someone working close enough to agents in the 00 program to obtain all of the information that's been leaked.MCassandra, you are in no position to talk about this internal investigation.CASSBut I just told you-MYou are no longer affiliated with my organization, and any further pursuit of intelligence about this matter will land you in custody of the Crown.XThen let both of us go after John and the others. We could keep each other in check and assure you that both of us are keeping in the scopes of our practice.MYour scope of practice is confined to the laboratory and the organizations computers ONLY, X. You will stay there until the dissolution of the MI6 and take a position in nuclear chemistry research after.
X and CASS stand up from their chairs at the desk.
CASSThe MI6 is dissolving, M.X
(poisonously. X knows this is exactly what M has done to her and others)
I can't get a hold of John anymore. You wouldn't leave one of your agents in the field forever, would you?MI've done it before. You of all people should know that.CASSAnd your nephew? Charlie?MI'm not above that, either. The Matt Damon bit is exhausting.
(X and CASS begin to leave the office.)
You two will NEVER be double-O's again. Ever!
(CASS scoffs to herself.)
You're not agents! Get back here immediately! You'll both be captured!
(The two don't stop.)
Arrested!CASSWe're not above that.XWe're not above that.CASS
(with a smirk.)
Just like old times?XHell yeah.
X and CASS are fighting and using their weaponry to "run" through the MI6. CASS has more weapons at her disposal, X is satisfied using her pen/gun and hand-to-hand combat, while CASS is dependent on the random technology that X has made through the years. They quickly slip back into their ways, it's clear this isn't the first time they've worked together.
CASS
WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOD MEN GONE
AND WHERE ARE ALL THE GODS?
WHERE'S THE STREET-WISE HERCULES TO FIGHT THE RISING ODDS?
ISN'T THERE A WHITE KNIGHT UPON A FIERY STEED?
LATE AT NIGHT, I TOSS AND TURN,
AND I DREAM OF WHAT I NEED
CASS, being the agent who relies on X's weapons, needs to pull out the exploding flashlight lock pick gun out at some point and use it in some ridiculous way to get enemies out of the way.
I NEED A HERO
I'M HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO 'TIL THE END OF THE NIGHT
HE'S GOTTA BE STRONG,
AND HE'S GOTTA BE FAST
AND HE'S GOTTA BE FRESH FROM THE FIGHT
I NEED A HERO
I'M HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO 'TIL THE MORNING LIGHT
HE'S GOTTA BE SURE, AND IT'S GOTTA BE SOON
AND HE'S GOTTA BE LARGER THAN LIFE, LARGER THAN LIFE
CASS and X now make it to the warehouse and are fighting the thugs. JOHN, CHARLIE, and KELLY are rolled on stage behind basically pool noodle jail bars in rolling chairs.
CASS
SOMEWHERE AFTER MIDNIGHT
IN MY WILDEST FANTASY
SOMEWHERE JUST BEYOND MY REACH THERE'S SOMEONE REACHING BACK FOR ME
RACING ON THE THUNDER AND RISING WITH THE HEAT
IT'S GONNA TAKE A SUPERMAN TO SWEEP ME OFF MY FEET
I NEED A HERO!
I'M HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO 'TIL THE END OF THE NIGHT
HE'S GOTTA BE STRONG,
AND HE'S GOTTA BE FAST
AND HE'S GOTTA BE FRESH FROM THE FIGHT
I NEED A HERO
I'M HOLDING OUT FOR A
HERO 'TIL THE MORNING LIGHT
HE'S GOTTA BE SURE,
AND IT'S GOTTA BE SOON
AND HE'S GOTTA BE LARGER THAN LIFE
I NEED A HERO
I'M HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO 'TIL THE END OF THE NIGHT
UP WHERE THE MOUNTAINS MEET THE HEAVENS ABOVE
OUT WHERE THE LIGHTNING SPLITS THE SEA
I COULD SWEAR THERE WAS SOMEONE SOMEWHERE WATCHING ME
THROUGH THE WIND AND THE CHILL AND THE RAIN
AND THE STORM AND THE FLOOD
I CAN FEEL HIS APPROACH LIKE A FIRE IN MY BLOOD
OH! I NEED A HERO (HERO)
I'M HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO 'TIL THE END OF THE NIGHT
HE'S GOTTA BE STRONG,
AND HE'S GOTTA BE FAST
AND HE'S GOTTA BE FRESH FROM THE FIGHT
I NEED A HERO
I'M HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO 'TIL THE MORNING LIGHT
HE'S GOTTA BE SURE. IT'S GOTTA BE SOON
AND HE'S GOTTA BE LARGER THAN LIFE I NEED A
HERO (HERO)
I'M HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO 'TIL THE END OF THE NIGHT
HE'S GOTTA BE STRONG, AND HE'S GOTTA BE FAST
AND HE'S GOTTA BE FRESH FROM THE FIGHT-
(Spoken.)
Hello darling...
JOHN and KELLY are freed by CASS and X respectively from their chairs. Both couplets embrace each other, but in their own ways. CHARLIE is still sitting in his chair.
JOHN and CASS are much more hesitant, and there is a bit of an uncomfortable air between them. JOHN tries to pull in for a hug, CASS puts her hand out for a handshake. They aren't really able to negotiate this for a few seconds, but settle on the most awkward high five in existence.
KELLY and X however, are much more naturally reflective of how significant others act around each other and the two show a much more passionate response to saving and being saved. After assuring that KELLY is completely okay, X puts KELLY behind her protectively and points a finger in JOHN's face, clearly upset. There is now a clear separation physical and emotional between the two pairs, JOHN and CASS, and X and KELLY.
XHow did you mess this up so badly?JOHNYou were the one who said to leave!XChrist, I didn't say to get captured and endanger M's nephew and the most crucial asset this mission has!JOHNPlease, the only thing Charlie's crucial for is an Oasis cover band. You and Cass saved us. There isn't a problem anymore.XAre you serious right now? Cass isn't an agent anymore! Neither am I! We saved the two people who had no chance of making their way out of the mess that YOU made! You let them put a gun in her face!CHARLIEAnd me-JOHNWhat about me? I was captured too??X
(venomously)
I did not do this for you.
CASS recognizes that X is seconds away from losing it, she steps in and tries to be the peacemaker.
CASSWhat X is trying to say is that all of us are in trouble now. M didn't authorize us to come and save you.
CASS looks at X for reinforcement of her point. X looks at JOHN.
XI hate you.CASSRegardless, we have to leave, it's too dangerous.CHARLIENo, M wasn't going to just leave us all here, she wouldn't-
(JOHN, CASS, and X all look at CHARLIE.)
Oh, you're serious...KELLYGuys, we don't have a lot of time. We have to get out of here.JOHNAgreed. Let's figure out our next move back at the hotel-
A door behind them opens, and M walks in. CASS, JOHN, and X all freeze.
CHARLIEHi Auntie...MAll of you. My office. Now.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Everyone is back to the desk arrangement from the start of SCENE 2, but with everyone now on the other side of the desk, and M on the other.
MKelly, Charlie, you're dismissed from this meeting. As Americans, any consequences need to come from across the pond, not here.
KELLY squeezes X's hand, and leaves the office. CHARLIE stands up with KELLY, but starts rambling before leaving.
CHARLIEThank you, this was such a good experience, and if I was a citizen, I'd sign up so fast-MDon't push it. X, you're dismissed as well. Clean out your desk and leave the premises.JOHNWhy does X get to go?MShe's already signed a form of contrition and intent to resign from the 00 program tonight.CASSWhat?X smirks, takes her briefcases, and leaves the "office" area, and sits down close to the audience to finally get time to research the element.MAs for you two, you are to resign from the MI6 immediately. Cassandra, on top of violating the terms of never returning to the MI6, you and John could not find the informant and were unable to capture and question the buyer of said information.JOHNBut-MI'm not finished, Chase. You specifically endangered yourself and others without necessity, and in the most direct of terms, you are fired.
(JOHN and CASS look at each other, knowing what's coming next)
You will hand over your weapons and badges to the agents at the door, and you will be barred from service to the Crown forever. Any attempt to finish the mission will result in immediate discipline. I have to kick you out of the MI6 at least once a movie, Chase, you understand.JOHNOf course, but this is the second time within the last sixty minutes. Doesn't that seem a bit excessive, even for you?MDon't ever come back into my office again.
JOHN and CASS walk out of the office, and the door slams. They both hand over their watch guns. CASS has ten other weapons on her person in random places that she also hands to a guard. CASS and JOHN are escorted to the middle of the stage together.
The air between them is still extremely awkward, and the tension is just uncomfortable. CASS tries to make the first move, as JOHN returns to a familiar sour and cynical air.
CASSSo, how's life?JOHNWell, both of us just got fired, so not great.CASSRight.
(beat)
It was good to see you again.JOHNIt was.CASSIt's been a while since X and I have done a mission together. Was it five years ago now? When did you start?JOHNSomething like that.CASSJohn, I know you're mad at me, I-
(beat as JOHN doesn't turn around to face her.)
Do you want to talk about it?JOHNNo.CASSOkay.
(beat)
Did you enjoy the mission, at least? While it lasted, I mean?JOHNYou know what? No. I didn't. I couldn't stand Charlie. X is never easy to work with, Kelly was supposed to be our key to completing the mission, but I couldn't even talk to her because all I was thinking about was you. I couldn't stop thinking about how you would've loved Charlie and his stupid quirks. You love Wonderwall. You always know how to talk to X. You would've been able to work with Kelly and figure out how to find her father, and you would have accessed all of these stolen files from the MI6. Then, you would've been able to discover who the informant was in the MI6 and how everything would be perfect-CASSJohn, I-JOHNThis mission was the worst thing I've ever done in my entire career, and it's because you weren't there. And I'm so mad at you for being dismissed from the MI6 because you were so dedicated to finding the answer and you left me-
CASS comes closer to JOHN, and they kiss.
CASSThat was the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
JOHN sings.
JOHN
SPENDING ALL MY NIGHTS,
ALL MY MONEY GOING OUT ON THE TOWN
DOING ANYTHING JUST TO GET YOU OFF OF MY MIND
BUT WHEN THE MORNING COMES,
I'M RIGHT BACK WHERE I STARTED AGAIN
AND TRYIN' TO FORGET YOU IS JUST A WASTE OF TIME
BABY COME BACK,
ANY KIND OF FOOL COULD SEE
THERE WAS SOMETHING IN EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU
BABY COME BACK,
YOU CAN BLAME IT ALL ON ME I WAS WRONG,
AND I JUST CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU
ALL DAY LONG, I'M WEARING A MASK OF FALSE BRAVADO
TRYING TO KEEP UP A SMILE THAT HIDES A TEAR
BUT AS THE SUN GOES DOWN,
I GET THAT EMPTY FEELING AGAIN
HOW I WISH TO GOD THAT YOU WERE HERE
BABY COME BACK, OH BABY,
ANY KIND OF FOOL COULD SEE
THERE WAS SOMETHING IN EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU
BABY COME BACK,
YOU CAN BLAME IT ALL ON ME I WAS WRONG,
AND I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU,
OH NOW THAT I PUT IT ALL TOGETHER,
OH GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO MAKE YOU SEE
HAVE YOU USED UP ALL THE LOVE IN YOUR HEART?
NOTHING LEFT FOR ME?
AIN'T THERE NOTHING LEFT FOR ME?
BABY COME BACK, OH DARLING,
ANY KIND OF FOOL COULD SEE
THERE WAS SOMETHING IN EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU
BABY COME BACK, LISTEN BABY, YOU CAN BLAME IT ALL ON ME
I WAS WRONG,
AND I JUST CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU
I WAS WRONG, AND I JUST CAN'T LIVE-
JOHN and CASS are slow dancing in the middle of the stage, and start to slow down as the song winds down.
JOHNSo you'll come back?CASSAbsolutely.JOHNCassandra Theresa Nazari-CASSIt's just Tracy.JOHNJust, I had nothing planned. Let me have this. Cassandra Tracy Nazari, I-I love you.
CASS cuddles closer to JOHN.
CASSDo you mean it?JOHNI mean it. Will you marry me?CASSWeddings aren't my thing, John. It would all just be the end of me.JOHNI can wait. I'll wait forever if I have to. We have all the time in the world-
(The two of them continue to embrace and are slow dancing to a continued quieter ballad speed of the song being continued)
I'll move mountains for you, just to see you in a white dress for me.
CASS laughs lightly.
CASSYou talk like you're not the entire reason I don't deserve to wear pure white at my wedding...JOHNIt was all for you. You have to know that. Everything I do, have done, and will do is for you.CASSI missed you...
JOHN and CASS break their embrace. X is still not the focus in this scene but she is progressively getting more excited about the element.
JOHNIt's decided then. We finish the mission to save the MI6. Then we leave forever.
(KELLY and CHARLIE are interacting, and JOHN interrupts them.)
We're still going after Stephen.KELLYI thought you got fired?JOHNWell, yes, but no.KELLYSo you're asking two American civilians to help you commit more international crimes than you already have? And with your ex-girlfriend?JOHNCurrent girlfriend, but yes. We're going after your father, and we need your help to bring him in for questioning. Are you in?CHARLIEYes. Oh my gosh, this is just like when Matt Damon is fighting Fate itself, and he has to change his destiny-CASSI loved that one.
(JOHN looks over disapprovingly)
I mean...
CHARLIE stares excitedly, this is the first time someone's acknowledged his references. JOHN stares disapprovingly, but KELLY stands up for herself, breaking the rousing energy of the other characters on the stage.
KELLYI'm not coming with you. I'm going home.JOHNWhat? You can't! We're so close! Cass knows the mole is a quarter master, this is the closest we've got to.KELLYI can leave. And I will.
KELLY walks off stage away from JOHN, CASS, and CHARLIE. She wipes her eyes. Leaving is not something she wants to do necessarily, but she is doing it anyways.
JOHNWait, no- you have to stay with us-
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
X is now in the middle of the stage in the Q lab. STEPHEN picks up.
STEPHENAh, Agent, I hope this is about-XButtercuperanium doesn't need to have a naturally occurring radioactive isotope. It ejects neutrons with or without human intervention.STEPHENNot all of us got doctorates in our free time, X. I'm a rich, future Nobel Prize winner, not a rocket scientist.XIt's not rocket science, but sure, I'll dumb it down for you.STEPHENThank you. Wait-XButtercuperanium has the potential of being more destructive than uranium-235. The fission theoretically leaves five neutrons to collide with the other atoms. You could completely melt entire countries with just the vial you gave me if it's used to its potential.STEPHENProvide light to entire countries. The studying of buttercuperanium is for sustainable energy ONLY remember?XYeah. That. It's perfect, Stephen.STEPHENExcellent.XI've already gone ahead and created some weaponized prototypes. What you found could be a goldmine on a global stage. The US alone would be willing to purchase billions of dollars if I can refine it-STEPHENNo. I'm not selling this. I want to be a philanthropist. I want to win a Nobel Peace Prize. I want-XENOUGH about the Nobel Prize! Lobotomies won a prize, Stephen, that doesn't mean they were a good idea!STEPHEN
(takes a switch in tone, clearly offended by X's harshness.)
You work for me, X. You can't talk to me like that.XOh please. I stopped working for you when you ambushed your own daughter. I'm going to dismantle the MI6, but when I do, don't think I've forgotten about you...STEPHENIs that a threat? And if I wanted to sell the element, you should know I wouldn't even contact the States. Their enemies tend to pay so much more...XI don't work for the States, I don't give a shit what you would do with the technology I've built, because you're not getting ahold of it.STEPHENWell there it is... You just know I'd win the Peace Prize and you're trying to ruin it.XThe Peace Prize was put together after the creation of a weapon, just admit you don't know what you're talking about and move aside. They're not going to lend a payout to a billionaire who's just sitting on a raw element with the potential of becoming a weapon of mass destruction.
(beat)
More than once...STEPHENCan't a man dream?XA man?
KELLY comes into the Q lab, crying. X quickly scrambles to clear her workspace, tossing the buttercuperanium vial into the briefcase, YEETS every paper off of her desk, and shuts her phone before STEPHEN's next line.
STEPHENOH f-
(the line clicks)
COME ON!!!KELLYI'm going home... I just thought I should give you these back.
KELLY is still upset and reaches down to take off the shoes X gifted her. X stops her and pulls her hand back up, straightening KELLY out to look at X.
XWhat do you mean you're going home?KELLYIt's all too much. We could've died back there if you didn't save us.X
(is irritated still from the phone call she just left, and that KELLY wants to leave the mission again, slips back into her cold persona for a second.)
Well, maybe you should leave now. You know the endgame was to arrest both you and your father for possessing those files stolen from the MI6, right?KELLYWHAT?!?XI know you were trying to help by reading up on us, so you hacked into your dad's computer. But that's why John and Cass have been trying to get you to stay with them for so long.KELLYI don't even know what to think right now. They expected me to sell out my father for nothing in return?XIt's all in the mission notes, Dove- wait, what? You weren't helping the MI6 find-KELLYOf course not!XWhat about your work, though? Your charities, conventions, your entire platform is standing against what your dad stands for.KELLYMy dad's company! Not him! I would never help the MI6 lock up my dad for international incidents. I mean, we've got some problems, but they're like, normal family problems that people work through with years in therapy like everyone else!XI had no idea you were double-crossing us. Or me...
KELLY shoots a flirty grin at X, just to test the waters of this double-entendre.
KELLYYeah, well, a girl can play for both teams, you know...
(X immediately blushes and stammers.)
Aren't you going to get in trouble for telling me all of this?XNope. I've been fired too. I'm thinking about going freelance. Just working for whoever is paying me the most...KELLYGod, it feels like you're the only person I can talk to here... Besides Charlie, but he's way more interested in being John's friend. Or Matt Damon's. Or he thinks he's Matt Damon? He's in love with Matt Damon? It's unclear. You're the only one that's just a real person....XYou have no idea...
(looks at KELLY, and she's smiling. X sits back down at her chair she was previously working on the element in.)
How exhausting it is. You know, I started all of this wanting to be an agent? God knows there's no money in that though...
(X sings.)
I WORK ALL NIGHT, I WORK ALL DAY TO PAY THE BILLS I HAVE TO PAY
AIN'T IT SAD?
AND STILL, THERE NEVER SEEMS TO BE A SINGLE PENNY LEFT FOR ME
THAT'S TOO BAD
IN MY DREAMS,
I HAVE A PLAN
IF I GOT ME A WEALTHY MAN
I WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORK AT ALL.
I'D FOOL AROUND AND HAVE A BALL
MONEY, MONEY, MONEY
MUST BE FUNNY IN THE RICH MAN'S WORLD
MONEY, MONEY, MONEY
ALWAYS SUNNY IN THE RICH MAN'S WORLD
ALL THE THINGS I COULD DO
IF I HAD A LITTLE MONEY
IT'S A RICH MAN'S WORLD,
IT'S A RICH MAN'S WORLD
(spoken)
Just my luck, right?KELLYMaybe. But is it only a rich man's world that appeals to you? Has the time come to pool our resources?XIt may...
KELLY takes this opportunity to corner X in her chair and eventually sits on her lap as she's singing. X has been cool, calm, and collected until this moment. X is no longer in control of this situation, and she doesn't mind.
KELLY
YEAH, MY RECEIPTS
BE LOOKIN' LIKE PHONE NUMBERS
IF IT AIN'T MONEY, THEN THE WRONG NUMBER
BLACK CARD IS MY BUSINESS CARD
THE WAY IT BE SETTIN' THE TONE FOR ME
I DON'T MEAN TO BRAG, BUT I BE LIKE,
"PUT IT IN THE BAG, " YEAH
WHEN YOU SEE THEM RACKS,
THEY STACKED UP LIKE MY ASS,
YEAH SHOOT, GO FROM THE STORE TO THE BOOTH
MAKE IT ALL BACK IN ONE LOOP,
GIVE ME THE LOOT NEVER MIND,
I GOT THE JUICE
NOTHING BUT NET WHEN WE SHOOT
LOOK AT MY NECK,
LOOK AT MY JET
AIN'T GOT ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY ME RESPECT
AIN'T NO BUDGET WHEN I'M ON THE SET
IF I LIKE IT,
THEN THAT'S WHAT I GET, YEAH
The two of them take this time to slow the song down, singing in each other's arms. KELLY continues to sing.
I WANT IT, I GOT IT,
I WANT IT, I GOT IT (YEAH)
I WANT IT, I GOT IT, I WANT IT,
I GOT IT (OH YEAH, YEAH)
I SEE IT, I LIKE IT,
I WANT IT, I GOT IT (YEAH)
The two kiss, but X breaks the kiss.
XIf you join me, you're leaving John and the others, I don't work for them anymore... Are you sure you want to leave the mission?KELLYCompletely. I trust you, X. Do you trust me?XI- This is insane, Dove, but I do. But you shouldn't- I'm not who you think I am, Kelly, I'm-(beat)Probably way worse... I just can't tell you everything right now, it'll ruin so much...KELLYYou don't have to tell me everything right now. Everyone's got a past with secrets. I mean, not everyone's secrets involve a global spy agency, but that should keep things exciting. Let's get out of here.
(X starts to grab her papers and the briefcase containing the buttercuperanium. KELLY reaches out to guide X's hands to put the papers back onto the desk.)
And leave work out of this. You can come back tomorrow to clean out your desk.
X slowly places the papers onto her desk. KELLY starts to reach for the briefcase as well to place it onto the desk, but X pulls the case back quickly.
XI- I'm sorry, I'm not going to leave this here.KELLYSmall steps then.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
JOHN, CASS, and CHARLIE walk into the Q lab and start to look around. Of course, CHARLIE walks to X's desk, as he's familiar with it, but proceeds to touch everything and be of no help whatsoever, but JOHN and CASS instinctively split up and begin to look in desks.
JOHNAre you sure that the source of the data leak was from a quartermaster?CASSPositive. The IP address requesting the files was hard to make out, but it's registered to this lab.JOHNThen we'll find who's responsible and save our jobs. Promise.
CHARLIE is flipping through a folder marked "Classified". It is the folder and other papers X left on her desk from the previous scene.
CHARLIEIf we're looking through computers, papers on a desk in a folder labelled classified aren't important right?JOHNWhat? Of course it's important!
JOHN grabs the folder from CHARLIE, with paper-cut-causing force. He begins to leaf through the folder.
CASSJohn, Charlie was only trying to help.CHARLIEYeah.JOHNLook at this. What the hell is "buttercuperanium"?
CASS pulls JOHN's arm down so she can see the papers.
CASSI have no idea. The rest of it's all chemistry gibberish and diagrams, though... Did X mention to you that she was working on a side project?JOHNNo. But I don't think she would anyway...
CHARLIE reaches for the sheets that were outside of the folder and starts to look over it himself.
CHARLIEOh yeah! X gave me a briefcase with a vial of buttercuperanium, but I think it was an accident.JOHNWHAT?!CASSWHAT?CHARLIEYeah, back at the hotel. It glows green, and it's kind of cool. She said not to talk to you about it, though. She's scary.
JOHN is getting upset, trying to breathe through this interaction without blowing up at CHARLIE in front of CASS.
JOHNSo you didn't think to tell me about something important... Because you think my quartermaster is "scary"...CHARLIEYeah, she said it was supposed to be a secret. Secrets are the most essential parts of being a spy, you should know that. Oh my God, I'm a spy like Matt Damon in-JOHNYou already referenced Jason Bourne, you can't do it again...CHARLIEWhat, no, that was about "The Good Shepard". Do better, Mr. Chase.
CHARLIE goes back to reading X's papers about buttercuperanium, while JOHN looks at CASS furiously. CASS pulls JOHN to the side, knowing that she's the only peacemaker left in the group.
JOHNI'm going to kill him.CASSBefore you do that, let me talk to him.JOHNBut he-CASSJohnathan... I'll handle it.
CASS pulls JOHN's tie to bring him down to kiss his cheek. He lightly smiles and returns to the task at hand, finding the computer selling data to STEPHEN, aka, X's computer.
CHARLIEI don't want to be this person, but I don't think X was working for the MI6 when she was writing all of this up...CASSWe've figured that out already, Charlie. John and I have the spy work covered...CHARLIEBut I-CASSI think we have a proposal to make-
CHARLIE gasps loudly and squeals.
CHARLIEOH MY GOD, CONGRATULATIONS!CASSOh, Oh god, no...CHARLIEThat is so exciting, why didn't you say anything sooner?!?!CASSCharlie, not that kind of proposal-CHARLIEOh. Well, that's disappointing...CASSI mean, he did propose, but that wasn't what I was talking about-CHARLIEGIRL!
(takes his volume down)
Did you say no!?CASSI said later.CHARLIEOh. Oh, honey, not you being Carrie Bradshaw...CASSAnyway, what John and I wanted to talk to you about proposing-
(beat as CHARLIE starts smiling again super big, excited for the couple)
A new position for you.CHARLIEIs this because I haven't been fired as a double-O agent like you guys?
JOHN is still looking through X's computer, but butts back into CASS and CHARLIE's conversation.
JOHNYou were never an agent to begin with!CASSI was thinking, because X left, that you could be John and my's unofficial quartermaster?CHARLIEReally?CASSI know you want to be an agent, but this is a more natural step for you. And John and I still want you to be a part of the team. We just want you to be safe, and not being in the field with us is part of that.CHARLIEOh, so this is- And you want me to- Nope, I got it, I'll just- I'll go. I can't wait, I'm going to get started right now!
CHARLIE goes to grab another computer off a desk and walks off with it.
JOHNFinally. Let's get back to work-
CHARLIE comes back on the stage to grab the stack of papers X left.
JOHNI-
CHARLIE slowly reaches to grab a gadget sitting on X's desk. He knows he's interrupting something, but is just electing to ignore it, continuing to lead his carefree existence.
CHARLIEI'm almost done.JOHNAre you off stage now?
CHARLIE responds backstage.
CHARLIEYeah!
CHARLIE slowly comes back onstage to grab his guitar case, sliding his arm towards it, until JOHN breaks and hands CHARLIE his guitar with a guttural groan. CASS walks to the desk JOHN is near and sits on it.
CASSYou know he's just trying to be a part of the mission, right?JOHNI know. I just wish he wasn't.
(JOHN brushes hair back from CASS's face.)
But in the meantime, I've always wanted to be alone in this room with you...CASSDo you want to know a secret? So have I.
JOHN leans in for a kiss, and CASS moves in as well, when JOHN puts their watches in front of their faces. CASS gasps in excitement and quickly grabs hers.
JOHNJust about time.CASSWhere did you find these? Did you find-
JOHN pulls the plethora of weapons out for CASS that she recently had to give up. CASS reaches out and immediately starts to put them in their designated places.
JOHNOne step ahead of you.
The two of them freeze on stage, embracing each other. X and KELLY sneak into the office on the other side of the stage, giggling as they go. KELLY is running with her shoes in her hand and sits down on a chair in X's office as she sits on the desk.
XI can't believe I didn't tell you I had a private office.KELLYTo be fair, you haven't told me a lot of things. I still don't know your name...XYou know what, you're right. I'll tell you everything-
(KELLY lights up a little bit, but X falters.)
Soon. I'll tell you everything soon.KELLYI'm going to get you to spill something eventually...XHow about just one something, Dove. For now.
Sung.
I'M CRYING, 'CAUSE I LOVE YOU, OH,
KELLY
YA
X
NEVER BEEN IN LOVE BEFORE,
WHAT THE FUCK ARE FUCKING FEELINGS, YO?
KELLY
ONCE UPON A TIME, I WAS A HO
I DON'T EVEN WANNA HO NO MO'
GOT YOU SOMETHING FROM THE LIQUOR STORE
A LITTLE BIT OF YOU AND SOME MO'
X
TRYNA OPEN UP A LITTLE MORE
SORRY IF MY HEART'S A LITTLE SLOW-
KELLY
I THOUGHT THAT I DIDN'T CARE
X
I THOUGHT I WAS LOVE-IMPAIRED
They sing together.
BUT BABY, BABY I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO
I'M CRYING 'CAUSE I LOVE YOU, OH
YES, YOU.
KELLY and X freeze, and the attention goes back to JOHN and CASS, who unfreeze.
CASS
GOT ME STANDING IN THE RAIN
GOTTA GET MY HAIR PRESSED AGAIN
I WOULD DO IT FOR YOU ALL,
MY FRIEND READY BABY? WILL YOU BE MY MAN?
JOHN
WANNA PUT YOU ON A PLANE
FLY YOU OUT TO WHEREVER I AM
CATCH YOU ON THE LOW, I WAS ASHAMED
NOW I'M CRAZY, ABOUT TO 'TAT YOUR NAME
CASS
I THOUGHT THAT I DIDN'T CARE-
JOHN
I THOUGHT I WAS LOVE-IMPAIRED
They sing together.
BUT BABY, OH BABY I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO
I'M CRYING 'CAUSE I LOVE YOU, YEAH
I'M CRYING, HEY
KELLY
I THOUGHT THAT I DIDN'T CARE
I THOUGHT I WAS LOVE-IMPAIRED
BUT BABY,
BABY I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO
I'M CRYING 'CAUSE I LOVE YOU, OH YES, YOU
I'M CRYING, I'M CRYING, I'M CRYING
X and KELLY kiss while the music dies down. JOHN and CASS leave the stage taking X's computer and folders with them. X breaks the kiss and sits next to KELLY on her desk.
XKelly, I used to be a double-O agent.KELLYX, you don't have to tell me anything. I wasn't trying to pressure you into something you weren't ready for.XNo, it's time. I was Cass' partner for a year, under the title 005. I was caught and captured during my last mission, held for a couple months, shot a couple times, tortured a few more for information to betray the MI6. I'm sure you noticed this last night.
(X pulls up her shirt, revealing multiple gunshot wounds and a large cut going up her midsection.)
I can't legally say their name, but an enormous global network leaked 00 agents identities. Nobody rescued me, so I had to get out of there myself. When I went underground, I changed my name, my appearance, got a doctorate in chemistry, and returned to the organization under X as the head of the quartermaster department...KELLYI'm so sorry, I didn't know...XCass is really the only one who does. Well, did, until I told you. When M wouldn't let me return to work as an agent, I had this moment of clarity that I had spent my entire life protecting an organization that didn't give a shit about me. So leaked names, mission notes, weaponry designs, theorems, anything that would drive the highest bidder, as long as they didn't have any association to "speck-trey"KELLYYou're the mole. Cass was right when she said it was a quartermaster, I- I don't believe this.XIt gets more confusing. The highest bidder was always your father, Stephen. They originally accused him of using unregulated materials for drilling in the Commonwealth, but after he was cleared from that, I've been working with Stephen's company for a year now, trying to take down the MI6 from the inside.KELLYThis is-XStephen crossed the line when he set you up with John and Charlie to be captured at that warehouse though, that was something I couldn't forgive.KELLYX, this is all too much to believe, I can't just accept all of this-XI'll show you.
X pulls out her phone and speed dials STEPHEN. He comes on stage and picks up.
STEPHENAgent...
(Kelly looks at X in complete shock.)
I heard you've been drafting up weapons plans when I told you not to. I made it explicitly clear in our contract that the element is the new frontier of my company.
KELLY looks wholly shocked to the point of speechless as X puts out her phone for KELLY to see.
XI did make weapons plans, and they're all mine, Stephen. You're not getting any use of buttercuperanium, I'm taking them and selling the plans under my name. Walk away if you know what's good for you, Lightbourne.STEPHENDo you know why I asked you to research the element, Agent? This is the one thing that Kelly's finally going to be proud of me for!XIt's too powerful for that. You're wasting an incredible opportunity, and I won't allow you to squander it.STEPHENCome on, X, is this still about those black market weapons dealers? They weren't supposed to capture everyone, they were only supposed to fight you! They went rouge, and that's not my problem!XYou know what will be your problem? If you don't comply with my terms, I still have that audio clip of you admitting you'd rather sell the technology to foreign powers, and I'll hand it right over to the CIA!
STEPHEN laughs.
STEPHENDo you really think I'm scared of those idiots!?XOur deal is over, Stephen. You have 24 hours to give me the entire supply of buttercuperanium, or I'm going to take it myself.STEPHENOh please, you worked for British Intelligence less than 24 hours ago. You couldn't steal that element if you tried; the Crown doesn't take things that don't belong to them!!
Every character with a BIPOC actor pops out on stage to stare at STEPHEN when he says this. There is a long beat of staring, letting the audience laugh uncomfortably at this dark joke.
X, you have to improve on your threats and intimidation tactics if you're going to get a real reaction out of me.XI've met Kelly, I suppose you wouldn't approve. Of us-STEPHENHonestly, I'd be happy to. You have a lot more drive and ambition than the low life trust fund babies who've surrounded her in the past, I'm happy if she's happy with you.XFine. You want intimidation? I don't like Princess Buttercup. I'm a cat person.STEPHENYOU- YOU BITCH!!!X smiles, she got her reaction.XHand over the rest of the buttercuperanium, Stephen. Have a nice day. And fuck you.
STEPHEN is more upset about this last statement than any of the others. Think Regina when she realized the "diet bars" weren't a real thing.
STEPHENAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
X puts her phone back on the desk and looks at KELLY, who is still wholly speechless. Everything she thought she knew was a lie.
CHARLIE is now back strumming Wonderwall and is motioning that he's looking through the audience, through anything he can. As his line gets closer, he is on stage and finds X's office.
XI am going to take down your dad's company and the MI6. This is all for me and you, for just the two of us. I've been lying to you and lying to everyone else in my life for long enough, but now I'm telling the truth, I promise. Do you trust me?KELLYI don't know what to think... This isn't what I wanted!XI'm putting an end to your dad's energy company, isn't that EXACTLY what you wanted?KELLYPutting non-sustainable energy companies into nuclear meltdown isn't exactly environmentalism. I-I appreciate what you were trying to do for me, and usually it's the thought that counts, but this really can't be the right way to save the world-
(beat)
Do you hear Wonderwall?
CHARLIE doesn't even bother knocking as he barges through the door of X's office.
CHARLIEOh my god, that took forever. I was trying to find your office, because John and Cass want me to be their quartermaster now.
(beat)
Hi Kelly!
(X is FURIOUS, and KELLY looks at CHARLIE in shock. CHARLIE goes back to rambling.)
I don't even know where to start, though, which is why I need your help. They found these papers about buttercuperanium and a few other things in the Q lab, but they don't have anything to do with the "find the mole" mission, so I just wanted to know if you knew anything-XHow much did you hear?CHARLIEI- Hear of what?
X is speaking low and slow. CHARLIE isn't picking up on how deadly serious X is right now.
XKelly and I were talking about classified things. How much did you hear?CHARLIEI thought you were off the mission? I didn't hear anything. I just wanted to ask you how to be a quartermaster?KELLYX, don't do this.XHe's a serious threat to what I'm trying to accomplish, what I want for US, Dove! He has to go.KELLYHe said he didn't hear anything!
While finishing this line, X grabs one of KELLY's shoes on the desk, and fires at CHARLIE in a fluid motion.
XHe's a liability, Kelly!
The bullet strikes CHARLIE in the chest, and he grabs his chest and falls to the ground. It is up to the audience interpretation whether this discharge of weapon was an intentional act or not. KELLY screams and tries to go to Charlie's aid, but X points the shoe/gun at KELLY.
I am trying to what's right, for you, for me, for us! Do you trust me, or do you want to end up like-
CHARLIE's walkie lights up, and the audience can hear JOHN V.O. Through it.
JOHN
(V.O.)
Charlie, I swear to God, if you're messing around with quartermaster equipment, X is going to kill you. We're coming down there.XWe need to leave the MI6. Get going.
X and KELLY swiftly leave the stage, leaving CHARLIE still on the ground. JOHN and CASS quickly come onto the scene and see CHARLIE lying on the ground. JOHN quickly gets to his knees and props CHARLIE to sit up. CASS stares in horror, unable to move.
JOHNI shouldn't have left you alone.CHARLIEHey, maybe you can be like Matt Damon when he could talk to dead people-JOHNHow have you referenced every single Matt Damon movie without referencing the one people actually know?CHARLIEWhich one?JOHN"Good Will Hunting"CHARLIEI don't know, I didn't really like that one...
(JOHN is about to slip back into being irritated before CHARLIE laughs at his reaction and coughs weakly.)
It's okay... Can I-
(CHARLIE reaches for his guitar case, which has fallen over in the chaos. CASS opens it and hands CHARLIE his guitar.)
Just this once?
TODAY IS GONNA BE THE DAY
THAT THEY'RE GONNA THROW IT BACK TO YOU
BY NOW YOU SHOULD'VE SOMEHOW REALIZED WHAT YOU GOTTA DO
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT ANYBODY FEELS THE WAY I DO ABOUT YOU NOW BACKBEAT,
THE WORD IS ON THE STREET THAT THE FIRE IN YOUR HEART IS OUT
I'M SURE YOU'VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE BUT YOU NEVER REALLY HAD A DOUBT
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT ANYBODY FEELS THE WAY I DO ABOUT YOU NOW
AND ALL THE ROADS WE HAVE TO WALK ARE WINDING
AND ALL THE LIGHTS THAT LEAD US
THERE ARE BLINDING THERE ARE MANY THINGS THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SAY TO YOU
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW
BECAUSE MAYBE YOU'RE GONNA BE THE ONE THAT SAVES ME
AND AFTER ALL YOU'RE MY WONDERWALL
TODAY WAS GONNA BE THE DAY BUT THEY'LL NEVER THROW IT BACK TO YOU
BY NOW YOU SHOULD'VE SOMEHOW REALIZED WHAT YOU'RE NOT TO DO
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT ANYBODY FEELS THE WAY I DO ABOUT YOU NOW
AND ALL THE ROADS THAT LEAD YOU THERE WERE WINDING
AND ALL THE LIGHTS THAT LIGHT THE WAY ARE BLINDING
With this last line, CHARLIE dies. CASS cries silently while JOHN continues to hold CHARLIE. JOHN checks a carotid pulse with no avail. After a few beats of silence, JOHN breaks it.
JOHN
THERE ARE MANY THINGS THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SAY TO YOU
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW I SAID
MAYBE YOU'RE GONNA BE THE ONE THAT SAVES ME
AND AFTER ALL YOU'RE MY WONDERWALL
I SAID MAYBE (I SAID MAYBE)
YOU'RE GONNA BE THE ONE THAT SAVES ME AND AFTER ALL YOU'RE MY WONDERWALL
I SAID MAYBE (I SAID MAYBE)
YOU'RE GONNA BE THE ONE THAT SAVES ME (SAVES ME)
(Spoken.)
Charlie, I'm so sorry, this is all my fault.
(beat)
That's it. The missions off.CASSWhat? Johnathan, you don't mean that.JOHNYes, I do. It's too dangerous, and clearly, we don't have enough information to continue this. It's time to just give up before something happens to you too.CASSWe don't have time for this, darling. We are so close to finishing this mission!JOHNDon't you see? THIS is my legacy! Every single mission, everyone I get close to ends up like this!!CASSJohn, I know you're-JOHNI'm not sad!CASSI wasn't going to say that. I was going to say that you're-
(beat because JOHN looks back at her, still aware she could say he's sad.)
In a space right now that you can't see the bigger picture. We have to be so close right now to solving this. I'm going to give you a couple of minutes to regroup, but I want us to finish this.
CASS leaves the stage, looks back at JOHN, who covers his face in his hands with grief.
JOHNI don't even want to get close enough to figure out who did this...MATT DAMONYou volunteered...
MATT DAMON, dressed as Jason Bourne, comes on stage.
JOHNMATT DAMON??MATT DAMONOh no, I'm not actually here. This is all in your mind...JOHNGreat. I'm hallucinating.
(beat)
And my hallucination works for the CIA. We're already trying to find a mole on our side of the pond, Matt. We don't need your agency's help.MATT DAMONThe MI6 is screwed. The CIA isn't trying to interfere with that.JOHNWell, that's a first. Don't you have a dictatorship to dissolve?MATT DAMONI'm more concerned about you. You need to pull yourself together and finish the mission. Do you think every single spy hasn't been in your shoes right now? Do you think this is a unique situation?JOHNNo one else knows what I've gone through...MATT DAMONLay off it 007. We've all been there.
(sung)
YOU COULD NEVER KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE
YOUR BLOOD LIKE WINTER FREEZES
JUST LIKE ICE
AND THERE'S A COLD LONELY LIGHT
THAT SHINES FROM YOU
YOU'LL WIND UP LIKE THE WRECK
YOU HIDE BEHIND THAT MASK YOU USE-
KINGSMAN
AND DID YOU THINK THIS FOOL COULD NEVER WIN?
WELL LOOK AT ME,
I'M COMING BACK AGAIN
I GOT A TASTE OF LOVE IN A SIMPLE WAY
AND IF YOU NEED TO KNOW WHILE I'M STILL STANDING,
YOU JUST FADE AWAY
NICK FURY
DON'T YOU KNOW I'M STILL STANDING
BETTER THAN I EVER DID
LOOKING LIKE A TRUE SURVIVOR,
FEELING LIKE A LITTLE KID
I'M STILL STANDING AFTER ALL THIS TIME
PICKING UP THE PIECES OF MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU ON MY MIND
ENSEMBLE
I'M STILL STANDING (YEAH, YEAH, YEAH)
I'M STILL STANDING (YEAH, YEAH, YEAH)
ETHAN HUNT
ONCE I NEVER COULD HAVE HOPED TO WIN
YOU'RE STARTING DOWN THE ROAD
LEAVING ME AGAIN
THE THREATS YOU MADE WERE MEANT TO CUT ME DOWN
AND IF OUR LOVE WAS JUST A CIRCUS,
YOU'D BE A CLOWN BY NOW
AUSTIN POWERS
YOU KNOW I'M STILL STANDING BETTER THAN I EVER DID
LOOKING LIKE A TRUE SURVIVOR, FEELING LIKE A LITTLE KID
SEVERUS SNAPE
I'M STILL STANDING AFTER ALL THIS TIME
PICKING UP THE PIECES OF MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU ON MY MIND
ENSEMBLE
I'M STILL STANDING (YEAH, YEAH, YEAH)
I'M STILL STANDING (YEAH, YEAH, YEAH)
MATT DAMON
DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I'M STILL STANDING
BETTER THAN I EVER DID
LOOKING LIKE A TRUE SURVIVOR,
FEELING LIKE A LITTLE KID
I'M STILL STANDING AFTER ALL THIS TIME
PICKING UP THE PIECES OF MY LIFE
WITHOUT YOU ON MY MIND
ENSEMBLE
I'M STILL STANDING (YEAH, YEAH, YEAH)
I'M STILL STANDING (YEAH, YEAH, YEAH)
I'M STILL STANDING (YEAH, YEAH, YEAH)
I'M STILL STANDING (YEAH, YEAH, YEAH)
MATT DAMON
I'M STILL STANDING (YEAH, YEAH, YEAH)
I'M STILL STANDING (YEAH, YEAH, YEAH)
(spoken)
I'm not here to help you with your undercover mission. I'm just here to help you feel better about-
(gestures to CHARLIE's body still on stage.)
This whole situation...JOHNWhat makes you think I'm sad about this?! He wasn't even an agent, he was utterly incompetent, and he managed to get too close to the mole situation.
(beat)
He got closer than Cass and I did. This is X's office. She's the only one with the keys to this office, so what was she doing here if she's been fired too- Cass is going to be so upset when I tell her...
CASS knocks on the door of the office.
CASSJesus Christ, I don't know what's going on in here, but you've been talking to yourself for five minutes...
(MATT DAMON holds his hands up when JOHN looks at him, JOHN realizes that CASS can't see him.)
What are you doing?JOHN
(looks at MATT DAMON, away from CASS.)
What am I doing?MATT DAMONA good friend told me once, "It's your move, Chief".
MATT DAMON leaves the stage, and JOHN is left with CASS and his thoughts.
JOHNI'm- CASS, this is going to sound crazy.CASSWe've crossed that bridge already...JOHNX is behind this.CASSDarling, I knew that... Did you just figure that out?JOHNI- No?CASSI love you, but sometimes you can be a little thick.
(beat so JOHN can look back at CASS suggestively.)
Don't- Don't even try to make a one-liner from that...JOHNIf we find Kelly, we're going to find X. Let's go.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
CHARLIE's actor gets up and leaves the stage as the lights go out. When the lights come back, KELLY joins up with JOHN and CASS. They've left the MI6, but its unclear where they actually are. It is close to the MI6 building.
KELLYGuys, I made a huge mistake, I'll explain later, but we need to get away from the MI6 headquarters.JOHNWhy should we believe a single thing you're about to say?KELLYX is behind everything.CASSWe already know she's the mole. We'll go bring her in together, she'll be tried by Parliament, and the MI6 can move on from this. You need to go back to the States, the situations gotten too dangerous for you to stay.KELLYNo. No, it's so much bigger than that. She was selling documents to my father-CASSWe knew that too.KELLYBut she was also creating plans for a new element stronger than uranium. My dad was going to use it for clean energy, but she double crossed him, and everyone. My dad's on a plane right now to stop her. She told me that the MI6 isn't safe anymore, we have to go.JOHNSo you're saying-XThat I'm the most powerful person on this earth right now? You'd be correct. So powerful in fact, I'm leaving the next steps up to you.
JOHN, CASS, and KELLY all look at her as she comes on stage, smiling and holding something metal in her hands.
KELLYIt doesn't have to be like this.XOh, it does. I have people everywhere in the world to make sure this plan goes through.KELLYBut why?XYou want to make changes in the world? This is how you do it, Dove.JOHNYou won't get away with this.XI'm pretty sure I already have. In my hand, I have a dead man's switch. Within sixty seconds of me letting go of this button, all of Stephen Lightbourne's business holdings will enter a state of a nuclear meltdown.JOHNYou're bluffing. You wouldn't do that!XBut I did. I'm the main character now, John...JOHNPretty sure you're just overcompensating for the fact that you're a ginger.CASSOr unemployed.KELLYOr a bottom.XI have twenty-five percent of the dialogue in this show, I outsmarted the hero and the villain, I'm the main character.
She sings.
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
WHY DON'T YOU RUN FROM ME?
WHAT ARE YOU WONDERING?
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
WHY AREN'T YOU SCARED OF ME?
WHY DO YOU CARE FOR ME?
WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO?
X and CASS engage in fighting, but it's slow and more like a dance. CASS tries using her myriad of weapons as shown at the beginning of the act, but X was the one to create them in the first place. She disables everything that CASS tries. In hand-to-hand combat, Cass gets a few hits on X.
COME HERE...
SAY IT, SPIT IT OUT, WHAT IS IT EXACTLY?
YOU'RE PAYIN'?
IS THE AMOUNT CLEANIN' YOU OUT
AM I SATISFACTORY?
TODAY, I'M THINKIN' ABOUT
THE THINGS THAT ARE DEADLY
THE WAY I'M DRINKIN' YOU DOWN
LIKE I WANNA DROWN, LIKE I WANNA END ME
STEP ON THE GLASS, STAPLE YOUR TONGUE (AHH)
BURY A FRIEND, TRY TO WAKE UP (AHH-HA)
CANNIBAL CLASS, KILLIN' THE SON (AHH)
CASS gets her arm hurt, and JOHN comes to her aid. JOHN, when he recognizes that CASS is down for the count steps up to fight X. JOHN is more concerned with getting the switch away from X, but he isn't able to do so.
I'M THE BAD GUY, DUH
I'M THE BAD GUY
In this moment, there is a pause, as KELLY grabs X, and puts her in a drop and keeps her there. JOHN goes back to CASS while KELLY steps in. X is smiling and while she's not in complete control of her position right now, she's still enjoying the power KELLY is holding. KELLY isn't an experienced fighter, so instead of stage fighting, the two legitimately dance with KELLY in the lead.
I LIKE IT WHEN YOU TAKE CONTROL
EVEN IF YOU KNOW THAT YOU DON'T OWN ME,
I'LL LET YOU PLAY THE ROLE
I'LL BE YOUR ANIMAL SAY IT,
SPIT IT OUT, WHAT IS IT EXACTLY?
YOU'RE PAYIN'?
IS THE AMOUNT CLEANIN' YOU OUT
AM I SATISFACTORY? TODAY,
I'M THINKIN' ABOUT THE THINGS THAT ARE DEADLY
THE WAY I'M DRINKIN' YOU DOWN
LIKE I WANNA DROWN, LIKE I WANNA END ME
STEP ON THE GLASS, STAPLE YOUR TONGUE (AHH) BURY A FRIEND, TRY TO WAKE UP (AHH-HA) CANNIBAL CLASS, KILLIN' THE SON (AHH)
KELLY finally manages to take the pen out of X's lapel, because she's still wearing the shoes X gave her. X isn't intimidated with this, because she knows KELLY has no experience with weapons.
I'M THE BAD GUY, DUH I'M THE BAD GUY, DUH
I'M ONLY GOOD AT BEING BAD
BAD
The beat drops in the song as soon as KELLY finally shoots X in the lower abdomen area. X looks at her with a bit of shock, but returns to a cool and collected state as she continues to flirt with KELLY.
I LIKE WHEN YOU GET MAD
I GUESS I'M PRETTY GLAD THAT YOU'RE ALONE
YOU SAID SHE'S SCARED OF ME?
I MEAN I DON'T SEE WHAT SHE SEES
BUT MAYBE IT'S 'CAUSE I'M WEARING YOUR COLOGNE
At this line, KELLY tries to push hair out of X's face, it's a moment of shock for both of them, but X kisses KELLY's hand. X makes a point of releasing the dead-mans switch and dropping it on the floor and laughs painfully.
I'M A BAD GUY I'M, I'M A BAD GUY
BAD GUY, BAD GUY
I'M A BAD GUY
X falls, assisted by KELLY to the floor.
KELLYX, what did you do-XDove, I'm something of an environmentalist myself...
X's phone rings, and she reaches painfully to pick it up in her jacket pocket. She opens the phone smiling, knowing that STEPHEN is on the other line. He's laughing, uncharacteristically hard.
STEPHENAgent, I can't even tell if I'm mad at you or just so damn proud... What an incredible performance, blowing up quite literally everything I've built... But did you consider the lifespan of everything you've built?XI already know what you're about to say, Stephen. I had the decency to let the MI6 know your plans to steal my blueprints, and your plans to detonate the place in 3, 2, 1-
The stage goes dark, and a large explosion sounds off. The lights come back on flickering at first before coming all the way on.
The audience can react if they want to, but no one is about to react as much as CHARLIE who comes back on stage and is SCREAMING, running out the "MI6". Now the audience may actually react.
CHARLIEWhat was that??? You couldn't have waited a few more seconds??XNot my fault you're slow. And where's all my stuff????CHARLIEI didn't have time to get it!XAre you kidding?KELLYWhat? But you're supposed to be- I saw you-XI shot him with blanks. I wasn't allowed to give you or Charlie any actual weapons, so those shoes were worthless. As for Charlie, he had an entire different set of mission notes. I needed you, John, and Cass out of the building without blowing everything up.CHARLIEI was a real spy!!!!
MATT DAMON comes back on stage-
MATT DAMONYeah he was!
MATT DAMON takes CHARLIE and picks him up bridal style and they kiss.
JOHNYou knew about this? Why did you save us?XI didn't do this for you.
X looks at KELLY.
KELLYIf Charlie was shot with blanks, then-XNo, I'm MI6 staff, that's my gun. You straight up shot me... But every character is contractually obligated to live through a gunshot to the lower abdomen, that's literary fiction 101.KELLYI'm sorry, I didn't know, X-XAlix.KELLYWhat?XIt's Alix. You wanted to know my name, didn't you?
(KELLY hugs X.)
Ow, ow, ow, let's not...KELLYOh, sorry. Yeah, let's not...
KELLY helps X to stand up, but CASS comes up and punches X in the shoulder with her unaffected arm.
CASSAre you kidding me? That was our thing! I was supposed to be the only one who knew that! Also?
(gestures to her arm, which X hurt earlier while dancing/fighting)
Ow?! What was that for?XI'm sorry...
(gestures to abdomen)
But I really don't think you're going to win that contest today...KELLYSo this is it? The mission's over?JOHNI mean? Kind of? There's twenty some plot holes, but they never get answered in the source material, so this ending just feels more fitting...KELLYX mentioned that I was supposed to be detained after this mission for stealing the documents from my father, who stole them from the MI6, is that still happening?JOHNOh no, there's no more MI6. And I'm pretty sure half of the world's been blown up. You and X are free to go. Cass and I are leaving the life.CASSWe are?JOHNFor real this time. Will you marry me, Cassandra?CASSYes. Yes I will.
The two embrace. CASS half jumps out of JOHN's arms and pulls CHARLIE in. KELLY and X are standing to the side, for obvious reasons because they ditched the group, but CHARLIE holds out a hand for them to join. KELLY joins, but X hangs back, still holding KELLY's hand.
There is a sweet moment between the remaining characters, until CHARLIE reaches for his guitar case, and one of the stage crew hands it to him. He breaks apart from the group and starts to play "Wonderwall" and engages the audience in a sing-along of the repetitive ending of the song. The show ends.