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Atlantis, nearly two and a half years ago…
Evan watched in horror as the grainy video from the Genii showed the Wraith feeding on his CO, stealing his life inch by inch until Sheppard looked ninety years old at least…

They managed to rescue him – not before he was practically dead – but the Wraith gave him back his life, saved him, made him look younger, even. The infirmary staff said he was fine, no ill effects at all, but Evan was still lost in the horror, the sense of helplessness, the sorrow at almost losing something he’d never even had the chance to have.

That feeling of loss was swamping him, oversetting his emotional control, and, as the Colonel walked chirpily out of the infirmary, Evan grabbed his CO’s arm, dragged him into a nearby storeroom and sent a sharp mental command to close and lock the door.

Sheppard looked surprised and a bit confused, but Evan didn’t care. He just stepped right in against his CO’s body, slid his arms around the Colonel’s waist, and clung. Tightly. His face was pressed in against Sheppard’s shoulder as he shook with all the fear – all the terror – that had ridden his coattails for all these hours…

Nearly sixty seconds passed before Evan felt Sheppard slowly, tentatively, bring his arms up to reciprocate.
They’d been studiously ignoring the attraction between them for weeks… months even… but after this… Evan couldn’t ignore it anymore. Not and stay sane. He gulped heavily, feeling the tears so close, so very close… and then they were falling, running down his face, and Sheppard’s arms tightened around him as Evan let go. Safe in the arms of the man he loved, Evan’s tears of anguish-- of fear--of fucking relief, flooded out all over the Colonel’s fresh BDU top.
As he finally started to quieten, Evan could feel Sheppard’s head resting against his own, could feel his arms firmly holding him, his hands softly stroking Evan’s sides. Sheppard was murmuring, “It’s okay, Evan. I’m okay. It’s okay…” over and over again, and it seemed like the most reasonable thing in the world to just turn his head a little, and press his lips against Sheppard’s neck… trail gentle kisses up over his jaw and across his cheek until Sheppard turned his head towards him and their lips met and held, clinging to each other’s in the same way their bodies were. Evan could feel Sheppard’s – John’s – lips softening against his own, moving gently, lovingly against him, and he slid his tongue along the crease of John’s lips, asking for entry. A spark of intense emotion rose sharply through him as John’s mouth opened, welcoming Evan inside…

When the need for oxygen finally drew them apart, Evan snuggled his head in against John’s shoulder and tightened his arms. He felt Sheppard place a gentle kiss against his hair, and then Evan’s radio sounded in his ear, and he had to pull back… pull away, respond to the call, walk out of the storeroom and go to deal with some urgent matter, leaving John standing there, his lips reddened and slightly swollen, a mix of want and denial in his eyes…

***** *****

Atlantis, present day
It was 0330hrs when the alarm beside the bed softly sounded, and John’s eyes opened a crack. He blinked blearily as his hand reached out to silence it. Sliding his arm back in under the covers, he snuggled in a bit closer to the man he was spooning, murmuring softly. “’s’it time?” Evan’s voice, softened by sleep, wafted gently up from the pillow they were sharing.“Yeah,” John whispered back, but his arms tightened in defiance of the alarm’s message. “Don’t wanna go, though.” Evan wriggled a little, moving and shifting until he’d rolled over to face John, cuddling in against his warmth. “I don’ wan’ ya to go, either,” he murmured, his words half slurred, his leg burrowing in between John’s. “You’re nice ‘n’ warm ‘n’ snuggly, ‘n’ you’ve been off-world for a whole week. I want you with me.” He cuddled in a bit closer, fingers stroking slowly over John’s shoulder blades. “Yeah, me too,” John said, as he gently kissed Evan’s brow. “Shift change in a few minutes, though.” He was waking up more now, and the importance of slipping out of Evan’s room while the night guard was busy with changeover up in the Control Room was filtering into his mind. He and Evan had been following this pattern for a long time now, and as much as John wanted to have the right to stay with Evan all night long, he knew he wouldn’t risk his chance to be with him at all by running into the marines who spent the night hours pacing the hallways and keeping Atlantis safe. He ran his free hand up and down Evan’s back for a few seconds, feeling the softness of the skin between the various scars that spoke of a lifetime of military service, wanting just a few seconds more of this closeness before reality took back over. Evan tilted his head up then and found John’s lips with his own, and they shared some sleepy kisses. John could feel his body taking an interest, suggesting things that he and Evan really shouldn’t be doing right now, at 0330hrs, when John was meant to be sneaking back to the safety of his own room… but apparently his subconscious had different ideas, and, as their kisses became less sleepy and more intent, John’s hand coasted slowly down Evan’s back, until his fingers were sliding into the crease of Evan’s ass, feeling the slick glide of the lube around his entrance that still remained from their earlier exploits. Evan moaned softly and pushed closer to John’s body. “Got time?” he asked, his voice stronger now in response to the rising passion, and the hope of another round of lovemaking.“Maybe,” John murmured against Evan’s lips, letting his fingers circle and slide inside, just a little.Evan moaned deeply, his hips involuntarily pushing against John’s as his cock hardened into a solid shaft of want. Then the alarm sounded again – very softly, so that no-one outside the room would ever hear it – and John pulled back regretfully. “I’ve gotta go, Ev,” he said as he reached his arm out to quieten the alarm once more.“No,” Evan whispered against his lips. “Not yet, John. It’s been a whole week.” And he suddenly rolled John onto his back, settled himself on top, and licked his way back inside John’s mouth, wriggling enough to bring their cocks together. John felt the spike of lust hit him, spreading out through his whole body as he moved his hand back to where it had been before Evan’s sudden movement dislodged it, sliding two of his fingers inside Evan’s warmth and crooking them slightly to stroke over his prostate.“Oh, God, John!” Evan exclaimed softly. “Fuck!” He was thrusting against John’s body now, both cocks trapped between them, and John could feel the arousal swirling in his belly, in his groin, pooling at the base of his spine… He slid a third finger inside Evan’s body, his other hand busy finding Evan’s nipple to play with, as he sent his lips questing over Evan’s neck and up to that spot, just behind Evan’s ear, that drove him mad, stoking the flames higher and higher for both of them.As Evan’s movements became more intense, he reached for John’s lips with his own, slipping his tongue inside where he most wanted to be. The soft warmth of John’s mouth never failed to bring him to the cusp, and the heat in his belly was tightening and tightening and tightening… When Evan finally came, it was with a soft whimper of surrender. That sweet sound, along with the feel of pulsing warmth pooling against John’s stomach, tipped him over the edge too, and he let out a quiet cry of repletion as Evan slumped down against him, curling into John’s body and resting his head against John’s neck. They were still lying there, comfortably drifting in one another’s arms, when the alarm sounded a third time. John sighed as he flicked it completely off this time. He lifted his head to kiss Evan, sliding him off to the side so John was no longer trapped beneath his lover’s sated body. “I’ve gotta go, Ev. The next patrol will be past in less than five minutes.” “‘kay,” Evan murmured softly, already more than halfway back to sleep. “Love you, J’hn. You’re the best.” His hand reached up to caress John’s cheek, and then fell back to the bed as his breathing evened out.John smiled ruefully as he untangled his arms and legs and slid carefully out of the bed. He had no time to grab a washcloth and clean them both up. He couldn’t risk getting caught by his marines. It was the matter of a few moments to quickly throw on his boxers, sweatpants and t-shirt, and then sit on the edge of the bed to pull on his socks and sneakers. Settling his radio in his ear, John stood, double checked he was dressed properly, then turned and leaned down to give Evan one last kiss, his hand resting tenderly on Evan’s shoulder for a moment. There was no response, but John smiled softly at his sleeping lover anyway, wanting nothing more than to say, ‘to hell with it,’ and snuggle back under those blankets, feel his naked skin pressing all along the length of the man he loved, and fall back to sleep with Evan’s arms wrapped around him and his soft exhalations ghosting against his neck.Sighing sadly, John grabbed the Life Sign Detector from the bedside table and successfully made his way, unseen, from his XO’s quarters to his own in the next hallway across. He slipped silently through his own door and headed for the ensuite where he stripped down to boxers and wiped his stomach clean, grimacing at the thought of Evan waking with dried cum caking his stomach. There was nothing to be done about it, so, grabbing a new t-shirt, John climbed into his cold and lonely bed and scrunched up a pillow to simulate his absent lover. He’d had three hours sleep in Evan’s bed (after a very satisfying and energetic bout of love-making earlier in the evening, their passions fuelled by John’s week-long absence), but the rest of his night’s sleep would come now, in the safety of his own quarters, where no-one could arrest and jail him for being in love with the ‘wrong’ person. Memories of Evan’s softly whimpered sounds of ecstasy came back to John’s mind as he pulled the blankets a little closer, and it was with a smile on his face that John finally fell back to sleep.
***** *****
At 0800hours the next morning, John sat opposite Evan at the conference table, as he and Colonel Carter briefed Major Lorne and his team on their mission for the day. It was a visit to a regular trading partner, and should take Lorne’s team no more than five hours to complete. They would be escorting Dr Beckett while he provided his regular medical clinic for the locals, and in return, they should receive ten bags of grain that the mess staff could turn into tasty loaves of bread, muffins, cakes, and all sorts.“Do you have anything to add, Sheppard?” Carter asked John as she finished repeating all the known information about the customs and social norms of this planet.“Nope,” John said, his fingers resting against the edge of the table as he rocked slightly on his chair – he’d successfully managed to get it to balance on its back two legs and was enjoying the feeling of being, ever so slightly, airborne. “Oh!” He jounced forward as the chair fell onto all four feet, a sudden smile lighting his face. “Say hi to the Chieftain’s daughter for me, Major. Lilbeth, her name is. Blonde ringlets. Usually has a very nice… bodice, on her gown.” He smirked at Evan who rolled his eyes.“Yes, Sir. I’ll assure her that you’ll be along again next time, so she won’t start to go into a decline with the loss of your… interest.”John grinned broadly. “My… interest. I like that.”Carter smiled wryly as she closed the laptop in front of her. “That will be all. Major, your team departs at 1000hrs. Dismissed.”“Yes, ma’am,” Lorne said, getting to his feet as his team echoed his words and actions.John stood slowly and stretched, getting the last of the kinks out of his back. He and Evan had been particularly adventurous last night after their forced week of abstinence, and he’d twinged a muscle just above his right hip. Still, it’d been worth it to hear the very aroused sounds coming from his lover.Still smiling, John nodded at Carter and headed off to take care of his own duties for the day.
***** *****
It was late afternoon when Chuck radioed John to advise that Major Lorne’s team had missed their expected time of return, and were more than half an hour late to dial in an update. John passed his bantos rods to Teyla and, grabbing his bottle of water and a towel to mop up the sweat, he jogged lightly up to the Control Room.“Dial it up, Chuck,” he said as he came within range. The Stargate chevrons started to glow and then there was the expected ‘whoosh’ as the wormhole engaged. “Colonel Sheppard to Major Lorne. Do you receive?” John’s tone was calm and competent, just a CO chasing up one of his teams who were a bit tardy on their return. After a few moments of silence, John tried again. “Major Lorne, or any member of his team, please respond.”There was just silence, and John swung around to Chuck. “Shut it down, Chuck.” He sensed movement behind him, and turned to find Colonel Carter standing there, concern on her face. “Colonel, Major Lorne’s team have failed to return, and they’re not responding to radio hails. I’ll be leading the S&R mission. We’ll depart in ten minutes.”Sam gave a nod of approval and John moved swiftly away towards the armoury, radioing for both his team, and this shift’s standby-marines, to gear up asap.Ten minutes later, they were assembled in front of the Gate, watching as the event horizon burst into being. John tapped his radio one last time, “This is Colonel Sheppard. Is anyone receiving? Major Lorne? Dr Beckett? Anyone else?” There was no reply, and after ten seconds or so, John gave the word, and Ronon led the way through the Gate.It was a decent twenty-five-minute hike to the main village where Lorne and his team would’ve taken Beckett, but John’s rescue squad got there in less than fifteen minutes, moving at a fast jog. John wasn’t sure what had delayed Lorne’s team, but not responding to the radio calls had him feeling very apprehensive.They came into the village square to find it all in a flurry of activity. The Chieftain spotted them and came straight across. “Oh, Colonel Sheppard. I’m so glad you’ve come. There’s been an attack of some sort… We don’t quite know what happened. We didn’t see anything, and yet several of our people are injured, and your people too.”“Show me,” John said, his worry spiking. The Chieftain led the way to the hospital tent and, as John stepped through the flap at the entrance, he saw several locals sporting injuries of various types, along with Carson, and Corporals Reed and Rivers. Of Lorne and Sergeant Coughlin, there was no sign.“They were all unconscious when we found them, but they’ve come around now,” the Chieftain was saying as he crouched down amongst the wounded and gently patted one of the injured villagers on the shoulder in a comforting manner. “Barnes, Matthews, jog back to the Gate and get a medical team here to triage and treat these people,” John ordered, before turning back to the Chieftain. “Where are Major Lorne and Sergeant Coughlin?”The Chieftain shook his head. “I don’t know. Your people arrived and, as usual, set up in this out of the way spot for the privacy of the patients. And then there was a dreadful sound of fighting with shouting and some gun fire, and then… just… silence. We came running, but we found only these people here, all lying still as in death. And then they started to wake again.”John nodded, crossing to where Reed, Rivers and Carson were groggily pushing themselves to sitting. “Report,” he ordered, his tone terse.“There were… bandits, maybe, Sir.” Reed cleared his throat, fingering the wound on his head. “A lot of bandits. Maybe twenty or so. They had knives and clubs and they started stabbing and hitting people, and the Major ordered us to fire, but there were civilians all over, so it was hard to get a clear shot. I remember being struck on the shoulder and the leg and then… nothing until I woke up just now.” John nodded. “Lorne and Coughlin were both here with you?” he confirmed, and when Reed nodded, John felt his heart clench with the unwelcome knowledge that Evan had been abducted. “Right, we’ll assume they’ve taken them both through the Gate, then. You three wait here until help arrives.” He nodded once at Carson and was swinging away when Rivers spoke.“Colonel, there was something funky going on. It was like…” He paused and looked confused. “It was like we weren’t seeing all of them.”John’s eyebrows drew together, and he gazed uncertainly at his Corporal. “What does that mean, Rivers?”“Well, someone grabbed me from behind, Sir, but there was no-one actually there. And then one of the clubs hit my head and I don’t remember anything else.”John nodded slowly. “Okay, thanks,” he said as he turned away, making a mental note to mention the obvious concussion when the medical personnel arrived. The amount of blood coating River’s neck was a dead giveaway for a nasty head wound.John set the remaining marines he’d brought with him to providing what first aid they could. Once the medical staff from Atlantis arrived, they could then search the surrounding area for any signs of their missing personnel. He wasn’t expecting Lorne and Coughlin to still be on this planet though, not if bandits had fallen on the village and taken just those two men out of the fifteen or more who’d been in and near that treatment tent.Gathering Rodney, Teyla and Ronon with a look, John led them back towards the Gate. They passed Doctors Keller and Biro on the way, along with a cadre of nursing staff and orderlies, guarded by six marines, and John and his team moved to the side to allow them swift passage through the forest – John snagging Biro’s arm as she passed to mention Rivers’ concussion to her.When they reached the Gate, John directed Rodney to the DHD, and he immediately crouched down and pulled the cover off the control panel, hooked up his laptop and extracted the last fifty addresses that had been dialled. “We need a way to narrow that down,” John said, frustrated once again that the DHDs didn’t record the Gate dial-outs in order, instead providing a glut of Gate addresses to muddy their efforts to find where Lorne and Coughlin had been taken to. He was holding his worry tightly to his chest, not letting his fear for Evan’s safety get in the way of what needed to be done. “Well, Atlantis is on this list several times,” Rodney said, running his eyes over the information. “The locals don’t use the Gate much. This must represent almost a year’s worth of activity. And there’s a fair few other double-ups. I can clean this data up once we’re back in Atlantis and give you maybe fifteen or twenty addresses at the most, that we’ll need to search.”John nodded, signalling for Rodney to dial them home, before following his team through the wormhole.
***** *****
John stood under the hot water, frantically soaping himself clean. They’d been searching for thirty-two hours, but still hadn’t found any sign of Lorne or Coughlin. And if John were being honest with himself, it was the loss of Evan that was making him continue searching long past when his body was crying out for rest. Thoughts of their last private moments together kept resurfacing in John’s mind, even while they were searching planet after planet, filling his senses with remembered touches and tastes, remembered sounds and sensations. It was distracting, and that was dangerous.Colonel Carter had ordered John’s team to stand down for four hours, get clean, get a few hours of sleep, and then they could resume the hunt. John hadn’t been able to throw all the resources he wanted to at this search because Atlantis already had marines off-world involved in harvesting agreements, plus a long-term scientific mission with marine escort on another world. John knew he couldn’t strip Atlantis of protection just to find his missing lover – as much as he wanted to. Thoughts of what might be happening to Evan right now followed him into an exhausted sleep. But when he woke, three hours later, he was feeling somewhat refreshed and ready to get back to it.When he reached the mess, dressed in a fresh uniform and with clean socks inside his worn boots, Ronon and Teyla were already there, and by the time John had filled his tray, Rodney had stumbled in too. John gestured for Rodney to go straight to their team table, quickly filling a second tray for him and adding three mugs of coffee.They ate quickly, the food merely fuel for their bodies; all of them – even Rodney – feeling the overriding urge to get back out there and find their missing people.John had detailed some fresh troops to accompany them, and they were geared up and waiting when John’s team arrived in the armoury. Nothing was said, there was no need. It was a straight-out search and rescue – well, hopefully a rescue – extract the two captives by any means necessary. These unknown hostiles had taken his men, and John fully intended to get them back.They went through the Gate in silence, fanning out on the other side. There was no-one in the Gate clearing, and Rodney confirmed that the only life-signs were some way away – several small groups showing in a scattered pattern on the LSD. Ronon took point as they made their way out of the clearing by the only visible path. They’d been walking softly through the forest for about fifteen minutes when Ronon suddenly stopped, holding up his clenched fist in the Earth military signal for halt. It was the third planet they’d searched since their enforced sleep break, and John felt his heartbeat speed up. They’d found no sign of Lorne or Coughlin on any of the other planets they’d searched… Could it be…? He slipped forward silently, coming up alongside Ronon. “Smoke,” Ronon whispered, and pointed off to the side. Rodney pushed to the front, holding out the LSD and showing a cluster of life-signs about a mile distant in the direction Ronon had indicated.John considered for a brief moment, deciding whether to continue along the path or track through the bush to the source of the smoke. Decision made, he jerked his head to the side, watching as Ronon disappeared into the undergrowth, making almost no noise as he pushed the foliage aside so he could pass. Marvelling anew at the skill needed to move through the terrain without leaving any sign of one’s passing, John followed Ronon as quietly as he could, hearing the soft sounds of his troops behind him.The life-signs were just a hundred metres away when Ronon held up his fist again. He gestured for everyone to stay put and melted into the undergrowth. When he reappeared several minutes later, Rodney’s LSD showed four fewer life-signs, and it was obvious that Ronon had taken out the guards who had been patrolling the perimeter.Setting guards was a good sign that they’d found the right place, and when Ronon held up an empty gum packet, whispering that he’d found it on a path leading into the far side of the clearing, John felt hope blossoming in his chest. But that emotion was dangerous and distracting, so John clamped down on it, shoving it away and clearing his mind. Giving the signal to move forward, he followed Ronon the last few metres through the forest until a building came into view - a small brick dwelling with a couple of windows and a wafting plume of smoke coming out of the chimney. John glanced over at Rodney who obligingly tilted the LSD towards him. Two of the life-signs were overlapping – almost certainly their missing men, and the other three were spread out inside the building. John waited until everyone had had a look at the information on the LSD, and then, eyeballing Ronon and Teyla, he gave the signal to launch the attack. Ronon led the charge, kicking in the door and firing before it was even fully open, with Teyla and John right behind. Half the marines followed them in while the other half took up defensive positions around the house – one staying very close to Dr McKay, well aware of the importance of keeping the scientist safe.Inside the house, the guards had barely had a chance to respond, taken completely unawares by the assault. Ronon had shot two of them before John was even through the door, and Teyla had disabled the third. Looking around frantically, John couldn’t see his people – but then he spotted a door on the far side of the room. Pushing it open, he found Lorne and Coughlin bound together on the floor. They were bloodied and beaten, only half-conscious and clearly dehydrated. Relief flooded through him at the realisation that Evan was alive.It was the work of moments to cut their bonds free. “Major, Sergeant, I need you to wake up. We need to get out of here.”Coughlin blinked his eyes at John as if trying to bring him into focus. “Colonel?”“Yeah, come on. This is your rescue, you don’t want to miss it.”Lorne was slowly lifting his head too. “Come on Major,” John said, “on your feet.” He reached out and helped Lorne to stand, relishing the feel of Evan’s body – alive, safe – under his hands. “I’m okay, Sir,” Lorne rasped out after a few moments, kicking his legs out. “Just a bit woozy. Do you have any water? Food?”“Yeah,” John responded, immediately pulling out his canteen, unscrewing the lid and handing it over. He glanced towards Coughlin to check that Stevens was doing the same for him, and he was. John fished out a power bar and ripped the packaging. “Can you eat that on the way? We’ve taken out the troops that were here, but there’s a lot more in groups all around us. I’d like to get out of here asap.”Evan was standing straighter by the second, the water clearly helping to bring his mind into focus – or maybe that was the power bar he was hoeing in to. Either way, both Lorne and Coughlin looked ready to move out, and so John gave the orders, detailing one of the other marines to walk with Evan, because he needed to be the Military Commander here, not Evan’s concerned and worried lover.John led the way out of the cabin and across the clearing, but Ronon passed him almost immediately. John was used to that, feeling nothing but gratitude for Ronon’s strong tracking skills and ability to sense danger.They reached the Gate without encountering any resistance, and Rodney confirmed there were no life-signs in the Gate clearing, so they carried straight on, dialing the DHD and sending through their GDO code. John stood in front of the event horizon, watching with one eye as his troops passed through, the other eye on the forest, but nothing moved, and as the last of his marines disappeared into the shimmering blue wall, John and Ronon turned and walked through together.Dr Beckett was already in the Gateroom by the time John emerged from the Gate, and he watched as Evan and Coughlin were loaded up onto the gurneys and then pushed away towards the infirmary. John wanted nothing more than to follow Evan’s gurney, hold his hand, and reassure himself that Evan was safe and alive and found. But he couldn’t. That way lay disaster. So instead, he congratulated his troops on a job well done and directed them all to the armoury to drop off their weapons, and then on to the infirmary to be checked over.Colonel Carter was hovering next to his elbow, and John obediently followed her up the stairs to her office and gave a quick debrief on the essential points of the mission. “So Lorne and Coughlin made it to the Stargate under their own steam then?” Sam asked.John nodded. “Yeah. Dehydrated for sure, and probably starved, and there’s a fair bit of blood and bruising, but I don’t think they’re badly injured.” He hoped they weren’t badly injured.Sam smiled. “Well, that’s a relief. Good work, Colonel. Once you’ve been cleared by medical, you’re off-duty and you’re to have a long sleep. I don’t want to see you outside your quarters until late this afternoon.”John grimaced. It was barely 0800hours on Atlantis right now. Carter was ordering him to sleep the day away. Then again… he was pretty exhausted. Nodding his agreement, John sketched a casual salute and headed to the armoury to drop off his gear, stopping to have a word with the Armoury Sergeant.When he walked into the infirmary fifteen minutes later, most of the marines had already been cleared, and Rodney and Ronon were both gone as well. Just Teyla was left, and she approached as John came through the doors.“Rodney was keen to check that his scientists had not done anything foolish in his absence, and Ronon was hungry,” she explained. “I shall wait for you, John.”“’s okay,” John said. “Carter’s ordered me to sleep until late this afternoon, and I’ve got some food stashed in my quarters. You head off – let Ronon know we’re on stand down.”Teyla nodded calmly and slipped away, and John headed towards the knot of medical personnel working over the two men in the far corner of the infirmary. He could see Evan on one gurney, Coughlin on another, both with their top halves bared, having various wounds and contusions bathed and dressed. IV’s trailed from their hands to saline drips above their heads, and both men looked pretty exhausted.“What’s the word, Doc?” John asked, as he deliberately positioned himself between the two gurneys, being careful not to show a preference for either man. Doctor Beckett turned away from Coughlin’s bedside. “Ah, Colonel Sheppard. One of the nurses will do your post-mission check-up in a moment.”“How are our captives, Carson?” John asked, not willing to move away until he knew how Evan was.“Oh, not too bad, actually, as I’ve just told Colonel Carter. They’ve both been bashed around a little, but no head wounds. Both dehydrated, but we’re pumping fluids into them. There’re no broken bones, just bruising and some nasty cuts, but I’ve only had to stitch two on the Sergeant and three on the Major. They’ll heal completely, Colonel. Give them a day or so and they’ll be up and running again.”John let a smile grace his face. As Military Commander, he was allowed to smile when he heard that his men weren’t badly injured. “Not bad for a two-day ordeal then.”“Not bad at all,” Carson said. “Now pick a bed and sit, Colonel, and one of the nurses will be over to you in a jiffy.”John picked the bed opposite Evan’s so he could legitimately just sit and look straight ahead as if gazing into space. Only he wasn’t. His eyes were feasting on the view in front of him. Evan was back, a little battered but nothing too serious, and as John let his eyes roam over his lover’s body, he felt the cracks in his heart seal back over, knowing that this wasn’t the mission where he was going to lose Evan forever. Nope. Not this time. This time, he’d got Evan back. Safe and well – or almost well. It was enough.
***** *****
It wasn’t until 1700hours that John finally woke. He was feeling a little groggy after such a long time asleep, but that was to be expected. No-one’s body coped well with time-zone changes, and being awake for nearly two days, searching and hunting planet after planet after planet, then a short three-hour sleep, then another gruelling three-planet hunt, plus the adrenaline of impending battle, and then the euphoria – well hidden – of finding Evan and Coughlin safe… All of that was bound to mess with his wellbeing, and with his body clock.Throwing the covers aside, John rose and showered – taking the time to really clean himself, rather than the rushed and hurried effort of his last shower. Then he dressed and headed for the infirmary. Dr Keller was on duty, Carson nowhere in sight, and John was informed that both Sergeant Coughlin and Major Lorne had been released about an hour before, with strict instructions to return to their quarters and sleep.Feeling somewhat thwarted, John nonetheless smiled at Keller, and made his way up to the Control Room to resume his abandoned duties. He had two days’ worth of emails to catch up on, several teams to debrief in the wake of their off-world missions, and Evan’s duties to pick up as well.It was late when John finally left his office and made his way to the mess, and, as he was walking up the hallway from the transporter, he felt a weird sensation against his outer arm. Stopping, he actually clasped his other hand around his upper arm as he turned to look around. He couldn’t see anything, but it’d felt as if someone had brushed against him… as if he were walking through a crowded room.Feeling a bit unsettled, John carried on, entering the empty mess and scooping out the last of the congealed lasagne. It was well past dinner dining hours, and he was lucky there was anything hot left to eat at all. Sitting at a table in the corner, John wolfed down his dinner, slowly reflecting on that sensation in the hallway. And then he remembered Rivers saying he’d been grabbed by someone who wasn’t there, just before he’d been struck unconscious.John was on his feet in seconds, his hand on his radio as he swiftly exited the mess. “McKay, meet me in the Control Room in two minutes. Hurry.”It took John less than that to get there, and he was already harrying Chuck when Rodney appeared.“What did you need me for that was so urgent I had to stop one of my simulations?” Rodney snarked as he arrived.“I think we’ve got invisible enemies in Atlantis,” John said and wasn’t at all surprised to see the look of disbelief on Rodney’s face.“No, hear me out. Rivers said someone grabbed him on that planet but there was no-one there. And just now, in the hallway near the mess, someone bumped against my arm, but I was alone.”“And based on this, you think we’ve been invaded by invisible aliens?” Rodney asked sceptically.“Yes,” John said. “Look… my spidey-sense is tingling, McKay. Get with the program.”“Um, Sir?” Chuck said, interrupting them. “The life-signs distribution is all wrong.”“What?” John said, but Rodney had pushed in front of him and shoved Chuck away from the console. “They’re all clumped together,” Rodney said. “It’s as if your invisible aliens are rounding people up and securing them in various rooms en masse.”John glanced at the screen and immediately saw what Rodney meant. Well over half the life-sign dots were in groups, and at this time of night – nearly 2300hrs – there was no possible reason to explain that. In fact, it probably explained why the mess had been so deserted. There were usually at least a few scientists in there at any time, day or night.“Right, you and Chuck, start figuring out how to track them. If they’re invisible, they must have some sort of technology that’s doing that, right? I mean they were working with the bandits that attacked our people on PX4-347, so presumably they’re actually human, just with tech to hide themselves.”“Right, yes,” Rodney said, his head already buzzing with a million ideas as he grabbed his laptop and started configuring different searches.John nodded at Chuck, and headed down onto the Gateroom floor to have a word with the security detail guarding the stargate. Then he tapped his radio. “Colonel Carter, where are you right now?”“In my quarters,” Sam responded. “Why?”“I’m on my way. Be dressed,” John replied as he tapped his radio for a new channel. “Ronon, Teyla? Can you come straight to Colonel Carter’s quarters please? Be stealthy. Bring whatever weapons you have to hand.” He received two acknowledgements and began to make his way carefully through the corridors to Carter’s room, hyperaware of the air around him.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Sam’s door opened before John even reached it, the strength of his ATA gene no match for any door in Atlantis. “What’s going on, Colonel?” Sam asked, but John held up a hand for silence as he stood in the doorway, and a few moments later both Ronon and Teyla came into view. He nodded at them as he stepped into Sam’s room, and they followed him in.“We’ve got a foothold situation,” he said, and went on to describe exactly what was happening. When he was done, he radioed Rodney. “What’ve you got, McKay?”“It’s some sort of cloaking technology. We can see them as they turn their devices on and off. Presumably they’re moving around cloaked, but then flicking their cloaks off when they need to order our people to move to other rooms. We’ve spotted three, maybe four, of them so far. But I suspect there’s a lot more.”“How do we combat it?”“I’m trying to convert the internal sensors to emit a type of radiation that'll bounce off their cloaks, so you’ll be able to see the outline of the person. If you fire at that, it’s likely the bullets will go straight through the cloak. I don’t think they’re shields. But Sheppard – you need to be quick, because I’ve already caught one attempt at hacking the Stargate protocols to drop the Gate shield, presumably so they can bring their friends in.”John nodded. “Right, Ronon, Teyla, you’re in the Control Room protecting Rodney and Chuck, and making sure no-one gets in through the Gate.”He paused as they both acknowledged his orders and left. “Rodney?” John asked. “How many of our people are still at liberty?”“Maybe twenty or so. They haven’t hit our accommodation wing yet. So that’s our hallway and the one that Major Lorne’s room’s in. Oh,” he suddenly added, “they’re making a move in our hallway now.”“Right, you get that radiation thing going. Carter and I’ll do the rest,” John said as he swiftly moved out of Carter’s quarters into the hall, feeling Sam following behind him.
***** *****
With John leading the way, he and Carter headed for the armoury and stocked up with weapons for themselves and others.“The first bedroom in that hallway belongs to Lorne, so we’ll get him, at least, to help us take these guys down. If we’ve got time, we’ll grab as many others in that hallway as we can,” John said, as they moved swiftly through the corridors. He’d tried radioing Lorne, but there’d been no response – and that was fair enough. No reason to wear a radio if you were on medical stand down and meant to be sleeping.Sam followed behind Colonel Sheppard, quite willing to let John take the lead. This was his city in a way it wasn’t yet hers - and might never be hers for all that she’d wanted it to be. John had been here, in Atlantis, for three years longer than she had, and he knew the city like the back of his hand. She ghosted along the hallways behind him, trusting him implicitly.They reached Major Lorne’s quarters and John thought the door open, slipping into the darkened room and thinking the lights on a little. Sam slid in behind him, and the doors closed as John was crossing to the bed.He leaned forward and spoke softly, his hand reaching out to gently clasp Evan’s shoulder. “Hey, Lorne, I need you to wake up.”“J’n?” Evan mumbled, his eyes still closed and clearly barely awake. “Hop in. ‘s cold,” and he lifted the blankets up with one hand while shuffling back to make space. John heard Sam’s gasp of shock from behind him, and his head sunk forward as he realised there was no way that she could’ve possibly misinterpreted those words, or that gesture. Fuck!He slid his eyes to the side and saw Carter’s outraged expression, the tension pulsing through her frame that had nothing to do with the invasion. Swallowing heavily, he pushed that worry away to be dealt with later and leaned in closer to his sleeping XO. “Major, I need you silent but awake. We’ve been invaded.” Evan’s eyes sprung open at that and he blinked twice, before pushing back the blankets and sitting up. Ninety seconds later he was dressed and ready, strapping on the thigh holster John was handing him, and accepting the tac-vest and P-90 from a coldly silent Colonel Carter.“Rodney?” John whispered into his radio.“Thirty seconds, Sheppard, and I’ll be ready. But they’ve trapped everyone in our hallway, Lorne’s is the only corridor that’s still uncompromised and I expect they’re on the way there now.”“Understood,” John said. He lifted his eyes to Carter’s, easily reading the shock and anger in her gaze, but also the operational imperative to put aside all other matters until the invasion was dealt with. “Thirty seconds,” he said. “There’s no time to get more people. This is it.” He handed Evan another ammo clip, and then moved to the door. Carter came up on one side, and Evan on the other. “Now!” Rodney said into their radios, and John immediately thought the door open and they stepped out into the hallway, guns already firing as the shady images of people came into view. Rodney had been right, the bullets went straight through the cloaks, causing them to instantly deactivate, and within two minutes, the entire hallway was full of blood-soaked bodies, some moaning… others ominously silent. John, Sam and Evan went amongst them, kicking guns away, and disarming them, pulling out zip-ties to secure those that were still alive.“Rodney?” John said. “Have we got all of them?”“No, there’s one in every holding room, probably guarding our people. But I think they know something’s wrong, because the life-signs are all suddenly milling around and moving inside the rooms, and some are starting to disappear. You need to hurry.”Stackhouse, Smithers and Anders had all appeared in the hallway when the gunfire started up, and John quickly briefed them, as he and Carter handed over weapons. Then, with Chuck and Rodney providing directions to the rooms where their people were being held, they headed out to crush this invasion completely. John made his way to an unused lab in the science wing, where he found that the enemy soldier had started firing at the scientists, killing one and leaving two of them badly wounded. But whilst some of the scientists had scuttled into defensive positions, others had used their hand-to-hand combat skills, trained into them by Teyla and Ronon at John’s insistence, to overwhelm the gunman, and take him down. John quickly secured the captive, while calling for medical aid. He could hear others making the same calls, and turned to the room at large. “It’s going to take too long. There’re too many wounded. I need four of you to carry the injured to the infirmary. One take their shoulders, the other between their legs. Go as an entire group. Rodney’s made it possible to see the enemy, so you should be safe. Go!”And then he was off to the next location, only to find that those captives – marines – had overwhelmed the gunman the moment he'd become visible. An hour later, John, Evan, Colonel Carter and Rodney met in the Control Room. Rodney started talking immediately. “The city is free of the energy fields that indicate the presence of the cloaking mechanism the invaders were using. I’ve run several sweeps, and there’s nothing to suggest we’ve missed any of them.”Sam nodded. “Good. Sheppard?” “The surviving infiltrators are secured in the Brig – there are only four of them. The rest were killed – either outright, or while waiting for medical care. The infirmary’s full to the brim with our own injured personnel. We lost eight of our people–” John’s face pulled into a grimace of self-rebuke. He should’ve listened to Rivers’ comment and not just dismissed it as the ramblings of an injured man. “Some bled out before they could be helped, and one of the marines took a head shot as he was firing on the intruder. He did kill him though, before any of the civilians in that room were injured.” Sam sighed in frustration. It was never a good thing to lose people, and she’d lost eight of her Expedition personnel tonight.“Atlantis is secure, Colonel,” John finished up, “and all internal patrols have been reinstated. I’ll start interrogating the prisoners when we’re done here.”Sam nodded in acknowledgement, not meeting John’s eyes. The thrum of adrenaline was still running through her, but now that the action was over, it was leaving her feeling slightly nauseated. Unfortunately, she wasn’t at liberty to go and deal with it in private. There was still something that she had to address. “Very well. Rodney, no doubt you have things to see to.” “Many,” Rodney snarked as he spun around and headed off. John took the chance to catch Evan’s eye. He needed to get Evan in private, and explain what Sam had seen. They were both stepping away when Sam herself thwarted John’s plan.“Colonel Sheppard, Major Lorne,” she said quietly but with a layer of steel clearly audible in her tone. “Please accompany me to my office.”John’s face froze over with that neutral expression he used to mask his emotions, and he saw Evan take note of that, as they silently followed Sam. Once they were all inside and the door was shut, Sam took her seat and stared silently at them both, the feelings of anger, betrayal and outrage mixing uncomfortably in her stomach with the adrenaline-induced nausea. John was just starting to fidget under that glare, when Sam spoke. “How long?” she asked sharply… and then nothing else. Because nothing else was needed.“Two years and four-and-a-half months,” John responded tersely, knowing there was no point in trying to hide this, and feeling Evan stiffen beside him as the implications of John’s words hit him.“Major Lorne, do you concur?” Sam asked, anger evident in her tone. “How long have you and Colonel Sheppard been contravening regulations with each other?”Evan’s eyes were big and round, and all the colour had drained from his face, but his voice was steady as he answered. “I concur, ma’am. We’ve been… together for two years, four months, one week and five days.”Sam stared at them both, her mouth slowly opening as the truth settled in. Then her jaw clicked back into position and her expression turned steely. “I am struggling to believe this flagrantly illicit behaviour of two decorated Air Force Officers. You have been breaching not one, but two of the Uniform Codes of Military Justice for over two years! Not only are you in a same-sex relationship, but you’ve completely disregarded–” She broke off, shaking her head in disbelief. Then she swung her eyes to John. “Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard, you are aware that Major Lorne is in your chain-of-command?” Her voice was dripping with sarcasm.John didn’t flinch. He’d known this was going to be bad from the moment Evan had responded to the intimacy of his lover’s voice in the safety of his own quarters. “Yes, ma’am,” he replied stiffly. “I am aware that Major Lorne is my direct subordinate. I’m also aware of his importance to the military structure in the city and that, at the time we commenced our… relationship, we were the two most highly ranked Military Officers in Atlantis.” He paused for a moment, and then added, “And I’m also aware that he’s male.”Evan shifted slightly beside him and John dropped his head in acknowledgement of the silent warning. Why the fuck was he antagonising Colonel Carter? He should be trying to placate her. But even as he thought it, he knew it was pointless. She’d practically caught them in the act. There was no room for movement for any of them.Sam was gazing straight down at her desk, trying to wrap her mind around this. How could they have been so brazen? So reckless? So… God! It was an unbelievable betrayal of the trust that had been placed in them, an unacceptable betrayal of her. She was their Commanding Officer and she’d somehow missed that her two closest subordinates were fucking each other! Her mind started to push past the shock and she took a few moments to quickly work through the ramifications of this bombshell, and what needed to happen next. Eventually she raised her head and eyeballed John. “Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard, your self-confessed actions of the past two and a half years give me just cause to have both of you arrested and court-martialled. There is only one thing stopping me from doing that right now.” She gazed at him, her eyes boring into his, and John could see the urge to do just that in her expression. After a moment, Sam let out the breath she’d been holding. “You have the strongest ATA gene we’ve yet found. General O’Neill’s ATA gene is very nearly as strong, but he lacks the facility you have with the technology, and he’s needed on Earth. This makes you a very valuable asset to the Stargate Program and to Atlantis in particular. Consequently, my decision is that you will remain here, in Atlantis, continuing to fulfill your duties both as Military Commander and as ATA light-switch, to enable us to continue researching ways to defeat the Wraith, to further mankind’s understanding of the universe, and to keep the city and its occupants safe.” John nodded his head, swallowing thickly. Sam turned her head to Evan. “Major Lorne. You are not irreplaceable on Atlantis. Whilst your ATA gene is strong, it’s not as strong as Dr Beckett’s, and in light of this… situation, you’ll be returning to Earth as soon as this meeting is over. You’ll take with you a report that states that your mission to PX4-347 was quite harrowing and you returned to the safety of Atlantis only to find that it wasn’t safe, and consequently you suffered from a very nasty PTSD attack when Colonel Sheppard and myself woke you to assist with repelling the invasion, and you’ve requested and been granted an immediate return to Earth. You’ll submit to whatever psychological testing or support you’re ordered to participate in, and if the Air Force choose to discharge you, you will not fight their decision. If they choose to retain you, you’ll work wherever they place you – in the SGC with an off-world team, at Area 51 as a light-switch, or in any other branch of the Air Force they see fit to post you to, in any theatre of war on Earth – and you’ll accept whatever decision they make in that regard. At no point will you reveal the truth of this situation. And at no point will you make contact with Colonel Sheppard. Those are my direct orders. Are they understood?” Evan was white-faced and shaking slightly, but he nodded. John, however, wasn’t so sanguine. There was no way he was going to let them be parted – he’d barely survived the last two days while Evan had been missing. To have him a whole galaxy away, doing God knows what…! “If Evan goes, Colonel, I go. I formally request reassignment to Earth.” Sam’s face turned stony. “Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard,” she snapped, her voice dripping with anger and contempt. “You have no legs to stand on to request anything. Let me make this crystal clear for you. You have been knowingly and wilfully breaking the Uniform Code of Military Justice for two and a half years. You’ve compromised the chain-of-command in Atlantis by taking the 2IC of this base as your lover, and with those actions you’ve proven yourself to be morally corrupt. If you don’t accept the alternative I’ve offered of remaining here, in your current role, while Major Lorne returns to Earth, then you will both be going through the Stargate, and the documentation that will accompany you will be the formal charges for fraternisation and engaging in same-sex relations. You will both be court-martialled, you will both be jailed, and you will both have all remuneration paid to you by the Department of Defense for the last two years, four months, one week and five days reclaimed. If you have insufficient funds available to repay the monies to which you were not entitled due to your behaviour contravening the UCMJ, the Department of Defense will sell off your assets to meet the debt. Is that understood?” John eyed her with clear resentment, his face a stony mask, but his eyes were flashing in anger. “So how’s your relationship with General O’Neill going, Colonel?” he asked. Sam took the hit, it registered on her face, but then she leaned forward. “I endured ten years of not acting on my feelings for my Commanding Officer, Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard. And General O’Neill endured the same by not acting on his feelings for me. Neither one of us compromised our integrity. We waited until we were no longer in the same chain-of-command. By what I can tell, Major Lorne was barely in the city for six months before he was in your bed!” John’s eyes blazed, but it was Evan who spoke. “I’ve never been in John’s bed.” His voice was low and shaken, as if he wasn’t even aware he’d spoken, and Sam’s eyes widened for a moment, before she turned to John. “Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard, leave the room immediately and wait outside until I recall you.” “What?”
“Out! Now!”
John stood, glaring at Sam, before turning towards Evan. Evan nodded slightly, and John said, “I’ll be right outside,” before spinning on his heel and stalking out of the room.Sam swung her eyes back to Evan, her attitude suddenly dropping away. “Major Lorne, I’m going to ask you a question now, and I need you to give me an honest answer. Colonel Sheppard is no longer in the room, and this is a safe space for you.” Evan eyed her with bemusement, unable to process the far gentler tone she was using. “Major, has the Colonel used his power over you as your superior officer to force you to engage in a physical relationship with him?” Evan’s eyes widened with shock. “What?! No. Of course not.” Sam looked completely unconvinced. “Obviously he no longer needs to, Major, because you’re clearly committed to this relationship now, but I want you to think back to the very beginning, two and a half years ago. Did he, at that time, in any way coerce you into acting inappropriately with him? Did you feel a compunction to engage in this behaviour with him, out of fear of the consequences of turning him down?” Evan lurched to his feet, his hands clenched into fists by his side. “No, he did not coerce me. And I did not feel compelled to be with him. John isn’t responsible for this relationship, Colonel, I am.” Sam gazed at him, her lips pursed as she considered what he’d said. “Sit down Major, unclench your fists and explain.” Evan slowly did as ordered, his breathing not quite steady. “It was after the Colonel was captured by the Genii. I… I had to watch him being fed on by a Wraith – by Todd – again and again. Dr Beckett said John wouldn’t survive another feeding, he said the effects of the enzyme would kill him, and John had already aged to look about eighty. It was… it was…” He paused, huffing out a breath, his expression distressed. After a moment, he gathered himself and continued. “I led the rescue mission after Ladon Radim finally came through with the address of the planet. When we found John, he was nearly dead – he looked almost a hundred years old, but then the Wraith gave him back his life, just… put his hand on John’s chest and gave him back his years. It was…” Evan broke off again, shaking his head as if to flick away the remembered images. “We got the Colonel back here, to Atlantis, to the infirmary, and he was fine. He was laughing and joking and healthy, and looking younger than he had. But I wasn’t fine. I’d just watched him get drained of life, bit by bit, over and over again. I’d had to live with the knowledge that he was gonna die, and even if he wasn’t dead at that point, he was so old that he was gone… gone from here, gone from… from me. Carson released him from the infirmary, and I grabbed his arm and dragged him into one of the storerooms off that hallway, and I just… I hugged him. I stepped right up against his body and I hugged him… He didn’t respond for the longest time. He just stood there, all stiff with his arms by his sides… but I couldn’t let go, I just… I couldn’t let go. And then… then he did respond, and I… I lifted my head and I kissed him. I kissed him.”His mind flicked back to those moments in the storeroom, his terror, his relief that John was okay, that he’d survived the horrific ordeal of having his life drained completely and then returned to him. “We kissed until we were desperate for breath,” he said softly. “And then I just held him, laid my head against his shoulder…and… rested there, where I could feel his chest rising and falling. But then a radio call came and I had to leave…I had to just… go. And John was staring at me as I went, such confusion in his eyes…”

Evan caught Carter’s eyes and held them. “So you see, Colonel Carter, it was me,” he said. “I started this. John didn’t. I don’t think he ever would’ve.”“He should’ve found you later and told you no,” Sam said sternly. “He should have taken steps to post you out of his chain-of-command.”Evan huffed out a laugh. “He did find me later… in my quarters…”
Evan turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, weariness in every line of his body. He towelled himself mostly dry and walked out into his room… only to stumble to a stop, because Colonel Sheppard was sitting at his desk, resting his head in his hands.

Even as Evan stood, naked and still damp, rooted to the spot with uncertainty, John lifted his head and caught his eyes. “Major,” he said. Then he grimaced. "Please put on some clothes."

That got Evan’s mind and legs working together, and he crossed to the cupboard, pulling out some fresh boxers and finding his old, worn sleep pants. When he was decent, he turned to face his visitor.

“Evan,” John said, “we can’t. You know that, right? We… I understand that today was really harrowing for you, but…” He huffed out a breath, his eyes on the floor. “We can’t do this, Evan. I’m your Commanding Officer, and it’s… it’s wrong, on so many levels.”

Evan walked slowly across the room towards his CO. “I know. I’m sorry. I just… John, please. I can’t fight this anymore. I-I want you, I… It’s not just a crush, John. I know we’ve both been ignoring this, but I-I can’t ignore it anymore. Not now, not after today.” He tentatively reached out his hand and grasped John’s shoulder, feeling the heat under his palm even through John’s shirts. “Please… please don’t push me away.”

John slowly lifted his head and Evan could see the battle that was raging inside reflected in his eyes. John shuddered. “Evan, it’s wrong and it’s… dangerous – not just for us, but for Atlantis, for everyone.”
“Our job’s dangerous too, John,” Evan said softly, crouching down and resting his hands on John’s knees as he gazed up at him. “Either one of us could die at any moment. You, me, dead or horribly maimed or lost forever without even a body to reclaim and bury… You died today, John. I watched you die today.”
He was caressing John’s thighs now, running his hands slowly up and down, and up…

John shuddered again, reaching down to push Evan’s hands off, but Evan grabbed his hands, holding them as he stood up, moving closer, one of his legs between John’s, the other resting against John’s outer thigh.
John tilted his head up, his brow furrowed. “It’s not… Evan, it’s not that I don’t want to… that I don’t want you. It’s…”
“I know, but John, I-I’m sorry, I can’t…” and with his feelings swelling inside him and overwhelming him, Evan leaned down and brought their lips together again.

And that was that.

The emotions they’d both been repressing for all these months broke free, and within minutes their bodies were pushing against one another’s, their mouths sliding open in welcome, their hands roaming. Evan’s fingers were unbuttoning John’s top, pulling his t-shirt up out of his pants, his palms skimming across John’s chest, feeling the soft, springy hair, the warmth of his skin. And John was groaning into Evan’s mouth, all the fight going out of him between one heartbeat and the next, as he gave in and let himself have what he'd been wanting for months…
“So you see, Colonel?” Evan said. “John did say no. He said it was wrong, and we were putting everyone in danger, and I… I didn’t care. Because I wanted him. Because I love him.” Evan’s eyes were bright with unshed tears as he caught Sam’s gaze.She shook her head derisively. “You’ve shown appalling judgement, Major, and an unbelievable lack of self-control. I accept that there was no coercion on Sheppard’s part… just complete moral turpitude.” She paused for a moment, shaking her head again as she huffed out a disgusted breath. “I meant what I said. Colonel Sheppard’s ATA gene is essential to the success of this mission. The United States Air Force has invested too much money in this expedition for it to fail now, and for such sordid reasons. So… my offer stands. Do you agree to leave Atlantis? Will you stand by my report which will state that you suffered a PTSD attack and have basically demanded to be returned to the safety of Earth?”Evan gazed at her for a long moment, and then nodded, his eyes dropping to the floor.“Very well.” She reached up and tapped her radio. “Colonel Sheppard? Please rejoin us.” Her tone was courteous, if a little formal, but she didn’t want this mess spilling outside of this room. John was already coming through the door. He’d clearly been waiting just outside, and as the door closed behind him, he reached out for Evan, sitting down next to him on the sofa – so closely that their thighs were pressed together. He ran his hand around the back of Evan’s neck, pulling his head close so their foreheads were touching. “Are you okay?” he asked softly, and Sam sat and watched in bemusement… because Sheppard was the most emotionally shut-off individual she’d ever met, and to see him willingly touching another was very unusual and, frankly, quite disconcerting. “I’m fine, John. She wanted to know if you’d used your rank to force me…”“What?!” John exclaimed. He turned outraged eyes towards Carter.“It was a reasonable question, Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard, and it needed to be asked. Especially when Major Lorne said he’d never been in your bed. The implication there is that you’ve always gone to his, and it was quite likely that he’d felt unable to turn you away due to your superior rank.”“Have you seen John’s bed, Colonel?” Evan asked softly. “It’s barely big enough for a little kid. He doesn’t even fit in it. There’s no way we could share. That’s why it’s always been my bed. And… because if the CO visits his XO it could easily be about operational matters, but for the XO to be seen entering his CO’s room in the late hours? Much more likely to raise eyebrows.”Sam shook her head, the anger she was feeling spiking again. It was time to finish this. “Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard, Major Lorne has accepted the necessity of returning to Earth and undergoing whatever processes the SGC wish to put him through, then making a life for himself there in whatever capacity presents. Do you accept the necessity of remaining here in Atlantis, retaining your role as Military Commander and never letting the impact of the Major’s absence show in your daily demeanour?”John shook his head slowly, desperately, turning to look at Evan with devastation in his eyes at what was to come. “It’s the only way, John,” Evan said softly.“You’ve got five minutes to decide,” Sam said. “I’m going to set a timer on my computer, and you can discuss it for five minutes. But when that timer rings, either you’ve both decided to accept the offer as presented, or I’ll call for a security detail and have you locked in the Brig while I write up the charge paperwork, and then you’ll be escorted through the wormhole to Earth and straight into a court-martial.” She turned to her computer, brought up the clock and set the timer. “Your time starts now.”Sam clicked open the proforma used for transfer of personnel and began to fill it out for Major Lorne’s sudden and unexpected need to return to Earth following a nasty PTSD attack. But she could hear the men murmuring on the sofa, and out of the corner of her eye, she could see them caressing each other. At one point they actually kissed, and she huffed out a breath as she continued to type, but when the timer rang, she swung around to face them. “Well?” she asked, her tone frosty.“We’ll do it, ma’am, with thanks,” Evan said. “I’ll go, John will stay. Thank you for giving us this alternative.”Sam inclined her head. “Colonel?” John said, his tone conciliatory for the first time. “You said Evan wasn’t allowed any contact with me at all… But… please... Can we email each other?”Sam gazed at him. “Once a month. One hundred and fifty words maximum. Nothing personal.” John’s face fell and he turned back to face Evan, and Sam watched as Evan’s hand came up to caress his cheek. “It’s okay, John. We’ll work it out. It’s not forever. You’ll come to Earth sometimes.”John nodded and pulled Evan into a hug, burying his head in Evan’s neck, and they clung there until Sam coughed loudly. “Major Lorne, you have fifteen minutes to pack your personal gear and return to my office. The Gate to Earth will be dialled and you’ll go through without a backward glance. On your way to and from your room to pack, you will not speak to anyone. Is that understood?”“Yes, ma’am.” Evan disentangled himself from John’s embrace, stood and saluted, then left Sam’s office, his back ramrod straight.Sam turned her eyes to John. “I hope you realise that I’ve gone out on a limb here, Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard. By all rights, you should be heading back to Earth to face court-martial and jail, and I trust you realise the only reason you’re not, is because you’re a very valuable asset to the United States Air Force.” John nodded. He was sitting upright, back stiff, body tense. He didn’t know what was coming, but he was sure he wasn’t going to like it.“In order for this… subterfuge to work, you need to behave in a completely normal manner outside this room. I’m sure this will be easier for you than for Major Lorne, because you’ll still be in a familiar place, surrounded by your team and friends. All you’ve lost is your bed warmer.”“He’s not a bed warmer, Colonel!” John’s tone was explosive. “You don’t seem to get that. He’s not my fuck-buddy, he’s the man I fucking love! And now he’s going to be three million light years away from me, and the only contact I’m allowed with him is to send him one hundred and fifty words a month and not include anything personal. Which basically means I can say, “Hi Lorne, missing your ability to keep tabs on everything and everyone in the city, and stop all the crises from exploding before they get to that point. We’ve had a busy month – all the usual stuff. I can’t tell you that I was badly injured and spent a week in the infirmary, and I can’t tell you that I lost some more of my men to the Wraith and could’ve used your support, and I can’t tell you that my heart’s fucking bleeding out because you’re not fucking here and I can’t tell you that I–” He choked and stuttered to a stop, fists on his knees, willing himself to get better control than this. Then he raised his eyes to Sam, because he’d heard a weird sound…Sam was gazing at him, and a single tear was trickling down her cheek. She reached up and wiped it away and, her voice shaky, said, “Colonel, Major Lorne is currently packing in his quarters. I’d like you to check on him please – he was clearly distressed when he left my office. I expect you both back here in forty-five minutes. Dismissed.” Then she swung her chair around so her back was to him.John stared for a moment, and then slowly stood. “Thank you, Colonel,” he said softly, and left Sam’s office, walking as quickly as he could.Two minutes later, he thought Lorne’s door open and walked straight in, thinking the door locked behind him. Evan was clearly in the midst of madly packing, but he faltered as John came in.“What–”But John had grabbed him in his arms and was clinging tightly, shaking. “Sam broke. She was crying. She said we’ve got forty-five minutes. To say goodbye, I guess.”“Oh,” Evan breathed, and then he just let himself go, relishing the feel of this man in his arms. God he was going to miss this… miss John. Eventually Evan pulled away. “John, I had an idea.” He picked up John’s copy of War and Peace. “We’re not allowed to email anything personal. But I thought if we wrote our one hundred and fifty words in a single paragraph, so it’s not obvious unless someone reads the whole thing, then somewhere in the middle of the email we could slip in a line of code. I’ve written down the exact publishing details of your copy of War and Peace, and I’ll find an identical copy on Earth. If we start on, say, page eighty, and use the top line as the code, we can send a message. We need to run some of the words together though, so they can’t crack it.”John nodded, sniffing back the tears that had fallen while he’d been hugging Evan. “Good thinking. Okay, page eighty, top line. Always the top line? And each month the next page? “Every third page, I think,” Evan said. “Page eighty, eight-three, eight-six, and so on.”John smirked wetly. “Done. In the middle of the email, something personal.” He shook his head, tears threatening to spill over again as he looked at Evan. “I’m so sorry, Ev. I should’ve said ‘Major,’ not 'Lorne,' when I was waking you.”“No! John, no. This is not your fault. If anyone’s in the wrong here, it’s me. Because I’m the one that made this relationship happen. I know you wouldn’t’ve done anything about it, John, and you tried to tell me no…”“God, Ev. I wanted you so badly. I was only saying no because I was supposed to, not because I wanted to.”“I know, John. I know.”And then they were hugging again, and the hugging morphed into kissing, and then clothes were being shed in frenzied haste as the visceral need to feel each other’s skin took control – to be as close to each other as possible, in these last precious minutes before being forcibly parted. They fell on the bed together, naked bodies entwined as they followed the dictates of their pain-filled hearts, their mouths and lips and tongues meeting and caressing as they held each other close. As they drew apart from the kiss, panting and breathless, they suddenly slowed down by unspoken accord, letting themselves take their time, needing to remember, wanting to touch everywhere… soft spoken words accompanied gentle touches, their souls merging as their mouths and hands slowly built the passion to uncontainable levels. And then, as completion swept them away, they floated together in a haze of satiation, wrapped in one another’s arms for long, precious moments. Finally, reality intruded. John had always had an excellent internal clock, and it began to chime. “We’ve got twelve more minutes, Ev,” he whispered softly, following his words up with some gentle kisses. “We both need a shower, and you need to finish packing.”Ten minutes later, both of them clean and re-dressed, Evan zipped his duffle bag closed. John was standing very close, needing to feel the heat from Evan’s body. He lifted his hand and stroked Evan’s cheek. “Ev,” he said, his voice shaking, “you’re going to be all alone on Earth, and you’ll need support, and company. If you…” he swallowed, “if you find someone, then I want you to–”“No,” Evan said immediately, cutting him off. “No. There will only ever be you, John. I love you. And I won’t be alone. I’ve got my family there, John, and I’ve got friends at the SGC. I won’t need to… to find someone… for that.” He shook his head, tears glinting in his eyes. “I love you, John. And it’s not forever. We’ll find a way, I promise.”John nodded, holding his own tears back with difficulty. “Right. Sure.” He pulled Evan into one last hug, clinging, because this was it. Once they walked out that door, they had to keep this professional, even though his heart was shattering inside his chest. “We need to go,” he said, his voice catching.Evan nodded, drawing back. “I love you, John Sheppard, and I don’t regret a single moment of the last two and half years.” He bent and picked up his duffle bag in one hand, his unused canvasses in the other. John reached for the easel, and together they turned and left Evan’s quarters for the last time.Sam was waiting for them in the Control Room and, as they came into sight, she turned to Chuck and asked him to dial Earth.Chuck gave her a surprised look, but immediately complied, and Sam turned and handed the report she’d written to Evan, as he and John walked slowly past and down the stairs. Sam was speaking to Stargate Command, advising them that Major Lorne would be returning to Earth and then she leaned over the balcony and called out, “Good luck, Major Lorne. I hope everything turns out well for you. You’ll be missed here.”Evan nodded, clumsily reached to take his easel from John, and then – as ordered – walked through the event horizon without a backward glance.John stood shakily, staring at the wormhole and thinking how easy it would be to just step through. But that way lay court-martial and jail time, dishonourable discharge and Evan languishing in a prison. The wormhole cut off and John turned at the sound of Sam’s voice.“Can you join me in my office, please, Colonel Sheppard?” she called out, her tone the usual calm and courteous, warm and friendly tone, she usually used with him. “We need to discuss how to fill the Major’s duties until a new XO can be appointed.”Ignoring all the confused and distressed expressions on the faces of the Gateroom marines, John nodded and climbed the staircase to Sam’s office. His mind wasn’t here in Atlantis though, it was speeding through a wormhole, travelling more than three million light years in an instant, to pop out on another planet in another galaxy… His mind, and his heart, were with Evan… and the man walking up the steps in the Atlantis Gateroom was just the hollowed-out shell of Colonel Sheppard.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

John managed to weather the meeting with Colonel Carter to discuss Lorne’s replacement, agreeing to appoint Major Teldy as the interim XO until someone was sent from Earth with the specific administrative skills needed to manage the complexities of Atlantis. When they were done, Sam eyed John with distaste. “I’ve lost all respect for you, Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard. All respect. But I’m going to need to pretend just as much as you are.” Her voice was low and angry, the echoes of betrayal easy to hear. “Just remember that if this situation falls apart, then I'm still in a position to have you charged with your actions.”John nodded, saluted stiffly and got the hell out.He didn’t feel up to interrogating the prisoners yet, so he was just sitting in his office – his lonely office – staring morosely at the empty desk opposite him, when, a while later, Sergeant Coughlin knocked politely on the door frame.John glanced up and nodded a curt welcome, and Coughlin came in, turning to swipe his hand over the controls to close the door, before sitting in the visitor’s chair.“What can I do for you, Coughlin?” John asked, his mind three-million light-years away, wondering what reception Evan had met on Earth… had they been kind to him? Had they seen through the falsehoods and locked him up? Was he crying on the inside? Had he found a friend to support him? “Sir, I’m sorry to bother you,” Coughlin said deferentially, “but… Colonel Carter announced over the city-wide radio that Major Lorne had returned to Earth, and there’s a rumour going around that he had a mental breakdown. But that just doesn’t seem right to me. Is he okay, Sir?”John brought his attention to bear on Lorne’s teammate, considering him in silence for a few moments before responding. “I wouldn’t say ‘mental breakdown,’ but Major Lorne was distressed, yes. And yes, he has returned to Earth. I’m sure he’s sorry not to have had the chance to say goodbye, Sergeant.” Coughlin waved that thought away and leaned forward a little. “But Sir, it doesn’t make any sense to me. The mission to PX4-347 was rough, I grant you, and the torture wasn’t very nice, but it was no worse than a hundred other missions we’ve undertaken over the years. And, okay, there was the invasion, and losing so many of our people… I get the Major might have been a bit… unsettled, perhaps, to have been thrown into the middle of action here, in Atlantis, when we were both recovering from our ordeal. But he’s not the sort, Sir. He’s not the sort to have a sudden breakdown. And there were no signs of it at all. We watch out for each other, Sir. Is he…? Why did he go, Sir? Why did he go like that?”John gazed at the man. He knew Lorne trusted his team, trusted Sergeant Coughlin the most, but John wasn’t at liberty to enlighten him, even if he’d wanted to. He sighed. “Major Lorne suffered a PTSD attack when Colonel Carter and I woke him and he demanded to return to Earth,” he said, trying to keep his voice level.Apparently he’d failed, because Coughlin’s mouth suddenly fell open and he sighed out a knowing ‘Ohhh’ sound as he leaned backwards, his expression showing a wealth of understanding. “Colonel Carter found out. When you woke the Major, something happened, and Colonel Carter realised.” He shook his head. “Oh, fuck, Sir. I’m so sorry.”John’s eyes widened in horror. “What? Did… Did Lorne… What…?Coughlin took pity on him. “The Major never said anything, Sir, not a thing. He never even suggested he had someone, let alone who. But… we’ve been a team for nearly three years, Sir, from the moment the Major arrived in the city, and we’re close. I like to keep an eye on the people that are important to me, Sir, and so I kept an eye on the Major and, well… about five months or so after he arrived, he suddenly became… happier, calmer, more balanced. So I looked around for why, and… I found you, Sir.” John’s whole body was stiff, his eyes out on stalks. “Is it… Can people just… Do your Corporals know?” His tone was full of fear, of horror that he and Lorne had been so obvious that Coughlin had been able to see it, and maybe that meant everyone knew!“No, no, Sir. No. It’s not obvious. Not at all. You were both incredibly discrete. I’ve just got an eye for these things. And Reed and Rivers don’t know… they don’t see much beyond each oth–” He broke off suddenly, shrinking into his seat a little, his eyes widening as he realised what he’d just revealed.John huffed out a breath. “You can’t tell me things like that, Sergeant. I don’t want to know. Jesus!” There was silence for a moment while John processed that unwelcome knowledge, and Coughlin sat frozen in his chair, wondering if his CO was going to act on the intel he’d inadvertently shared.When John spoke, his voice was soft, hesitant. “Tell them to be careful, Coughlin. Very careful. If Carter gets hold of this, they’ll be court-martialled. She won’t let it go.”Coughlin swallowed, nodding his understanding. Then his brow furrowed. “Sir… Can I ask why you weren’t? Court-martialled I mean?”John snorted in disgust. “Because apparently the strength of my ATA gene makes me a very valuable asset to the United States government, Sergeant, regardless of who I’m fucking. So Carter decided that ripping us apart and holding me captive in a galaxy far, far away was good enough punishment.” Coughlin’s expression turned angry for a moment, before it settled again into neutral lines, and John shook his head. “I shouldn’t have said that. Colonel Carter is the CO of this base, and Ev–, Lorne said that I need to be grateful we’re not on our way to adjoining jail cells.” He lifted his head and caught Coughlin’s eyes. “I don’t need you fighting my battles for me, Sergeant. Please forget the disrespectful remarks I made about Colonel Carter.”“Yes, Sir. Sir, would you be able to talk to Reed and Rivers? They’re as confused as I was about the Major just leaving. Obviously they don’t know why – and they can’t know why – but if you could give them the party line I think it’d help.”John shrugged. “Yeah, sure. Get them to come here, Coughlin, I’ll have to work out what to do with your team anyway, now that Lorne’s…” His voice broke off and he drew a couple of deep breaths.Coughlin sighed, agreeing with the sentiment, then reached his hand up to tap his radio, but John interrupted him. “Can you give me twenty minutes or so? Please?” His voice was shaky and Coughlin looked at him with compassion. “Of course, Sir. No problems.” He stood and, quite unexpectedly, saluted, before slipping out the door and closing it behind him.John leaned forward on his desk, his head in his hands and let the misery take him.
***** *****
Coughlin had radioed for his two teammates to meet him outside their COs office in twenty minutes, but then he just waited there. Given the distress in the Colonel’s voice, he didn’t want anyone else disturbing him until he’d had enough time to pull himself back together.Ten minutes or so passed in silence, and then Dr McKay appeared around the bend in the hallway, walking swiftly towards the Colonel’s office.Coughlin stepped forward, into the Doc’s path and was treated to a snarky, “Seriously? You cannot have missed me coming! Get out of the way.”“The Colonel’s busy just now, Doc,” he said quietly. “Perhaps come back in half an hour or so.” “What? Half an hour? That’s ridiculous. He’s never too busy to see me.”“He is at the moment. And he’s about to be in a meeting. Is Atlantis going to explode if you don’t see him in the next thirty minutes, Doc?”“Well, no. Not exactly.”“Right then. Thirty minutes it is.” Coughlin nodded at McKay, hoping the touchy scientist would understand the unspoken message and go on his way.Rodney, however, was never much for subtle undertones. But he did have a healthy respect for the hand-to-hand combat skills of Sheppard’s grunts, so he decided that he had better things to do than argue with this marine, and he turned tail and left, grumbling as he stalked off.Coughlin’s shoulders relaxed and he went back to lurking outside his CO’s office for another few minutes, until Reed and Rivers arrived.Ringing the bell, Coughlin wasn’t surprised when the door instantly opened, and so he led the way into the room.Colonel Sheppard had his back towards them, busy pouring himself a cup of coffee from the coffee machine in the corner of the office. He turned around as the men filed in. There was only one visitor’s chair, so none of them sat, all standing at parade rest by John’s desk.He lifted his mug, taking a very welcome swallow. “Thank you for coming,” he said, settling himself comfortably on the balls of his feet. “You'll have heard that Major Lorne has unfortunately withdrawn his participation in the Atlantis Expedition and has returned to Earth for psychiatric support for his PTSD. I’m sorry his departure was too rushed to enable him to say goodbye to you personally.” He paused, and took another sip of coffee to give him a moment to steady his nerves. He did not like telling lies about Lorne’s mental state. It wasn’t fair, but the only other option that presented was to be jailed, and John couldn’t bear the thought of Evan in jail because of something he'd done. He drew a breath, and carried on. “Your team will be on stand down until I can appoint a new team leader. You might need to wait until the new XO arrives – which will probably be a month or so. I assume the SGC will find someone they can send on the next Daedalus run.”“Sir,” Reed said, barely waiting for John to finish. “Is the Major okay? Because I didn’t even know he had PTSD, Sir. He’s never had any problems with anything, and this has come right out of the blue, you know? And it’s–”John cut him off. “Corporal. The Major had a PTSD attack and requested an immediate return to the safety of Earth. He’s gone. I’ll let you know as soon as I’ve appointed a new team leader. Dismissed.” He was swinging away when Rivers spoke.“Yes, Sir. We’ll go now… but, Sir? Are… are you okay? You seem sort of… distressed.”John turned back and met Rivers’ eyes, seeing nothing but respect and concern. He nodded slowly, aware that he wasn’t controlling his expression as well as Colonel Carter expected him too. “I am, Rivers. This sort of situation is harrowing for everyone involved. To see a good man like Lorne in that… state…” He dipped his head, drawing another steadying breath. “I’ll be fine, Corporal. Dismissed.”This time when he swung away, John could hear the sounds of Lorne’s teammates – Lorne’s friends – quietly leaving the room, and he thought the door closed before dropping his head forward. Distressed, huh? Yeah, that pretty much covered it. Fuck!
***** *****
Coughlin followed Reed and Rivers as they made their way to the common room on Level Fourteen. They were the only ones there at this time of day, and Reed threw himself down onto the sofa. Rivers sat beside him, grasping his hand and linking their fingers together.“This fucking sucks,” Reed said, staring at the far wall. “There’s no way the Major had a PTSD attack, Sir.” He brought his eyes to meet Coughlin’s, where he was sitting in the armchair opposite them. Coughlin glanced over to check the door was shut, but still kept with the official word. “You heard the Colonel, Reed. He straight out said that’s what happened.”Rivers was shaking his head. “There’s no way that’s what happened. I’ve never seen the Colonel that off balance before. He was upset – really upset – so upset he couldn’t actually hide it like he usually does. And his voice wobbled when he said the PTSD stuff. I think he was lying.” He suddenly stiffened, a look of incredulity washing over his face. “What?” Reed asked. “You’ve thought of something. What is it?”Rivers shook his head, looking uncomfortably at Coughlin. “It’s nothing. Forget it.”Reed gazed at him for a moment, and Rivers widened his eyes suggestively. “Seriously?” Reed said, lurching upright, his face a study of disbelief. “You think the Major and the Colonel–”“It fits,” Rivers said softly. “We both know Major Lorne would never have left like that willingly.” He raised his eyes to Coughlin. “I think we all know that.”Coughlin grimaced, damning the perspicacity of his Corporals. Sighing in defeat he said, “You can’t say anything to anyone, okay? You need to keep this quiet.”“We’re right?” came two incredulous voices. “Yes,” Coughlin admitted. “You’re right, and Carter figured it out. Colonel Sheppard said that she’s not court-martialling them because of Sheppard’s ATA gene… so she’s just split them up and sent the Major back to Earth so they can’t see each other anymore.”“That sucks! This galaxy is freaking scary and full of danger and having someone to keep you sane and–and emotionally stable is really important!” Reed said indignantly.“They’re damn lucky they’re not standing in the dock right now, Reed, being court-martialled and on their way to jail for the next however many years!”Reed looked taken aback at the vehemence of Coughlin’s response, but then he nodded, his shoulders slumping.“And look,” Coughlin continued, “the Colonel said to tell you both to keep your heads down. Carter’s not going to let you two off if she catches you.”“He knows about us?” Rivers asked, horrified.“Yeah, well… yeah. Sorry. He does. And he said you need to keep your heads down. So do.” Coughlin stood. “I’m going for a gentle jog, let off some of this adrenaline in a safe place, so I don’t do something I’ll regret. I suggest you two do the same.”Reed smirked. “Okay, boss. We’ll go do something that’ll bring our stress levels down.”Coughlin huffed out a laugh, but then his face turned serious. “Be careful, guys. I don’t want to lose you two as well.”
***** *****
Rodney had waited the half-hour that the annoying marine had stipulated, and then he was right back there at Sheppard’s door, thinking it open and walking straight on in.“Rodney! It’d be nice if you rang the bell like everyone else does, rather than just waltzing in!” John snarked, very glad he’d managed to banish the tears a few minutes ago.“Well, I’m not everyone else, Sheppard. I’m me. And I've already had to wait half-an-hour because one of your stupid grunts wouldn’t let me in before. I’ve set up an auto-detector on the Stargate protocol that'll send out a burst of radiation every time an incoming wormhole is received, to check for any invisible people sneaking into the city. So that’s all sorted. And now I need you to come and turn something on for me. I’ve tried, Miko’s tried – it lights up for a split second then fizzes out. Clearly it needs your super-gene,” Rodney said, his expression reflecting his disgust with the Ancient tech playing favourites. “Come on.”“I can’t, Rodney, I need to go interrogate our prisoners. I’ll come when I’m done.”Rodney frowned, but John couldn’t handle any more emotions right now, so he pushed past his friend and left his office. Ignoring Rodney calling his name, John headed for the Brig.Nearly two hours later, John made his weary way towards Rodney’s lab. He’d completed the interrogations – with Sergeant Stackhouse’s help – and had determined it was a Genii plot. And yes, it had been a set up. The Genii had known of the relationship between Atlantis and PX4-347 and had deliberately turned up to capture the highest-ranking military personnel, knowing that Colonel Sheppard would hunt them down. They’d been waiting on the world they'd taken their prisoners to, hidden near the Gate, their personal cloaks activated, when John had led his people onto the planet, and they’d waited there until the Lanteans had returned with Evan and Coughlin, sliding, unseen, through the event horizon with the returning troops.John had typed up his report and emailed it to Colonel Carter, then shoved the prisoners back through the Gate to Genia along with their dead. Hopefully the matter was now closed, and the Genii would know that even with invisibility cloaks, they still couldn’t take Atlantis. He walked into Rodney’s lab and was immediately pounced upon as Rodney berated him for taking so long to do something so simple. John just smirked tiredly. He was feeling drained and empty… and embarrassingly close to tears. Evan should’ve been beside him as he conducted those interrogations. Evan should’ve been at the Gate with him, pushing the prisoners through. But he hadn’t been. And he never would be again. Schooling his expression to ensure nothing of his inner turmoil showed, John accepted the device Rodney thrust into his hands. It turned on easily enough, although it did ‘sizzle’ a little in his hands which felt funky. But that settled down after a couple of moments, and part of the top seemed to dissolve… and underneath was a screen. “It’s a data reader,” John said, laying it down. The device turned off immediately, and Rodney reached for it eagerly, but it stayed stubbornly dark. “Oh, I was hoping it’d work for me now that you’ve convinced it to wake up,” he snarked. “Try again. What data? How does it read it? What does it do with it? Is there data stored on it now?” He thrust the device back towards John, who sighed and took it, slumping lower on the lab stool.“What’s with you today?” Rodney asked. “You’re all… mopey. Even your hair is droopy. Why? What happened?”John glared at him. “I'm not mopey, Rodney.”“We heard that Major Lorne has returned to Earth,” Radek interpolated, coming across to join them. “I will miss his baking. He made lovely kolaches. I'm sorry he had to leave.”“You’ll miss his baking?” Rodney scoffed. “Yes, I will,” Radek said simply. “Was he all right when he left, Colonel? There were so few people who knew he was going.”John felt a lump in his throat. Damn Carter! She should’ve let Evan say goodbye to people, given him a send-off. This wasn’t fair on any of them. “He was okay, Radek. Upset, but… okay.”“Upset?” Rodney said incredulously. “The gossip in the labs is that he had a total mental breakdown in the middle of the invasion, put us all at risk, and then ran back to Earth because he thinks Pegasus is too dangerous. What sort of military guy does that? The scientists haven’t run away just because it’s scary here.”“He didn’t have a breakdown, Rodney! He… He had a-a PTSD attack. And it wasn’t during the invasion, it was when I–… when Carter and I woke him.”“Really? Huh! Guess you can’t trust gossip then. Now, try this again.”John snorted in frustration and dropped the device back down onto the desk. “I don’t want to do this now, Rodney. I’ve told you what it is. Can we please do this later?”“Why? What have you got to do that’s more important than this?”“Oh, I don’t know! Arrange a joint funeral for eight of my people? Pick up all of Major Lorne’s duties?” John suggested, frustrated.“Because he ran home to mommy and left you with all the paperwork?” Rodney said vaguely, his attention mostly on his computer as he typed up John’s description of the device.“He didn’t run home to mommy, McKay! Just… shut the fuck up!” Rodney looked up, startled. Sheppard rarely, if ever, took that tone with him.John was glaring at him, then his jaw shifted a little and a tiny gleam of moisture appeared in his eyes, and a second later he had swivelled on his heel and was storming out of the lab. “Huh!” Rodney said. “What was that all about?”“You are very stupid man, Rodney,” Radek said, gazing in the direction the Colonel had disappeared.“I am not! You take that back.”“No. I cannot take it back. Is scientific fact. You are blinded by your stupidity.” And Radek returned to his own desk with a strong suspicion of the real reasons for the Major’s sudden defection.
***** *****

Earth
Evan had known this wasn’t going to be a picnic. Colonel Carter’s report – which he’d managed to fish out of his medical file when Doctor Frasier had been called to an emergency leaving the infirmary temporarily unmanned – had been starkly brutal in outlining the PTSD attack he’d apparently had, impacting on the effectiveness of the military response to the invasion.He was angry about that, angry that Carter had used her power to sully his record that way. He’d almost have preferred to have been reprimanded for what he’d actually done ‘wrong’. Only if that had happened, John would’ve ended up in the jail cell right next to him – or maybe not right next to him… maybe in a different wing, so they’d never even see each other, wouldn’t even be able to hear each other’s voices. And yeah, okay, being back here on Earth while John was in another galaxy meant they still couldn’t see each other or hear each other’s voices… but at least this way, Evan could imagine John jogging along the piers with Ronon, the wind ruffling his unruly hair, or sparring with Teyla, or going off-world and enjoying hiking through nature… John was not a man well-suited to sitting in a small cell and living inside his mind for all the days and months and years they would’ve been incarcerated there, so really, having everyone think Evan was a mentally screwed-up fuckup was actually better.He sighed. His sudden arrival at the SGC, with no forewarning beyond the few brief words Colonel Carter had shared with Walter, had meant Evan himself having to explain why he’d suddenly abandoned his post in Atlantis and come through the Gate at a non-scheduled time. Landry had been oddly supportive – but then Evan had always gotten along well with the General. It helped if you were the sort of person who was prompt and reliable and capable… and able to guess the names of the people whose quotes dotted the General’s pep talks. The General had read the report Evan had held out with a shaky hand (shaky because he was only three minutes past leaving John and the tears were threatening) and had had him escorted straight to the infirmary. The letter had gone directly into Doctor Frasier’s hands, and she’d quickly scanned her eyes down it, slid it into his file and performed a full medical on him. It was just as she was finishing up that the Stargate had activated with an SG team coming in hot with wounded, and the infirmary had emptied of staff in seconds. Evan re-read the letter one last time, then slid it back into his file, lying back on the bed as the first of the wounded came through the doors on a gurney. He knew these guys would take up all the medical staff’s attention for a good long while. Until Doc Frasier was free and available to finish up with him and tell him where to go next, he was stuck here in his hospital bed. So, as he’d had a gruelling two-day off-world mission involving a lot of unpleasant torture, followed by a disturbed night of sleep with significant action repelling the invaders, and then a very harrowing time with Colonel Carter and having to say goodbye to John which had left him in an emotionally wretched state, Evan scooched in under the blankets, curled up, and went to sleep.
***** *****

Atlantis
Sam sat in her office staring blindly at her computer screen, outrage still simmering under her skin. It’d been a week since the invasion, a week since the night she’d uncovered the truth of Sheppard and Lorne’s perfidy, and she was still angry at the betrayal of the two senior-most military personnel on this base after her. She’d trusted John Sheppard - she’d trusted him to always make the right call, to always do the right thing. He shared so many traits with Jack O’Neill, and she’d assumed his moral compass was as strongly intact as Jack’s – but it wasn’t. Because Jack O’Neill had never acted on his feelings for Sam, and Sam had never acted on hers, either. Ten years they’d denied themselves the warmth and comfort of a lover, of a partner, and she’d expected John Sheppard to hold to that same code of honour. And he hadn’t.He’d failed her in that. And in failing her, he’d betrayed her. Betrayed her trust. Had knowingly fornicated with a man under his command. ‘Fornicated,’ she thought again savagely, not wanting to believe it was more than that. Not wanting to endow a casual-sex relationship with deeper feelings. John Sheppard had fornicated with a man under his command – and that concept was so fraught with illegal actions that it still made her head spin. Sheppard had been all upset that his lover was being sent back to Earth, three-million light-years away… but where was Sam’s lover? Where was her partner? The Air Force had sent Sam here, to Atlantis – her first big command – and she’d accepted the offer because it was the best thing for her career. But hearing Sheppard saying that Lorne would be so far away had just reminded her that Jack was equally far away and out of reach.A momentary lapse, a frisson of compassion sliding through her wrath, and she’d given Sheppard the chance to say a proper goodbye to Lorne. And she wished that she hadn’t. This was her first command, and Sheppard and Lorne had put her success here at risk with the stealthy concealment of their illicit relationship. If it became known that two of her officers had been flagrantly breaching the regs for nearly a full year under her command, eyebrows would be raised as her superiors questioned her competence. How could she not have known? How could she not have noticed? Sam sat and stewed, well aware that both Sheppard and Lorne had gotten off incredibly lightly, given their actions. She’d have been less shocked to learn that they were stealing supplies, or that they’d set up a prostitution ring! Anything other than sleeping together. Sheppard’s angry words came back to her, ‘not a bed warmer,’ ‘not a fuck-buddy,’ and when she thought back to that moment of shock, when she’d realised what was happening, she knew it was true… Lorne’s sleepy, love-filled voice coming softly out of the almost-dark of his room, the way he’d lifted the covers for John to slide in even while shuffling back to make space… those weren’t the actions of a fuck-buddy, they were the actions of a man welcoming his beloved in a familiar dance. How many nights had Sheppard lain in Lorne’s arms, while Sam lay alone in her cold bed up the hall, the only man she’d ever truly wanted a galaxy away from her? Abruptly, Sam shook her head, pushing those thoughts away. She wasn’t usually vindictive, and she didn’t like the way her mind was worrying against this situation. She’d done what she’d had to do for the good of the expedition, and that was that. Sheppard was here, Lorne was there. Sam was watching Sheppard, waiting for him to find someone new to fuck. Nothing yet, and she didn’t think he’d choose a guy because he had to know how precarious his situation was. She was sure he’d pick a woman and make it obvious he was dating someone appropriate this time. No, she wasn’t usually vindictive… But the isolation here was getting to her. At the SGC she’d built a niche. Everyone knew her and loved her, respected her, valued her, listened to her, sought out her opinions. She had Daniel and Vala, Cam and Teal’c, and of course Jack… Here, she’d had a good working relationship with John, a strained one with Rodney. And because Rodney had saved everyone’s lives so much, he was the golden child in Atlantis, not Sam. Rodney got the respect and the accolades – despite being a sexist asshole. And Sam knew that was John’s fault - John’s doing - too. Because he and Rodney got along so well, John had forged a way for Rodney to be accepted and valued here. Even the Pegasus natives were more respected and valued in Atlantis than Sam was. People talked with Teyla about personal issues, with Ronon about military assessments and solutions – or Sheppard, or Lorne. But not to Sam. She was just here to replace Elizabeth - a diplomat, head of the scientists, but not one of them. And head of the military, but Sheppard was the hero, worshipped by all the military personnel based here in Atlantis. They idolised him, adored him, would follow him anywhere, knew he would never leave them behind… And not one of them even knew that she’d do the same, because they never saw her, never came to her. Sheppard had the military in the palm of his hand.The military had rallied around, supporting each other in the wake of Major Lorne’s sudden and unexpected return to Earth, supporting Sheppard too. She’d watched closely, but couldn’t see any particular awareness in the marines showing they’d realised Sheppard was personally bereft – it was more that they realised he’d be missing Lorne’s easy competence, his capable handling of every situation in Atlantis. Lorne was almost revered on this base, and pushing him out without letting him say goodbye had left everyone with a question-mark over his state of mind. One that led them to close ranks and support each other more, leaving Sam on the outside.Oh, Sam had a lot of anger and resentment building up inside, and she didn’t know how to get rid of it. There was no Daniel to give her a hug, no Teal’c to listen as she babbled out her concerns and then offer her a few sage words of advice. No Vala to go blow off steam with. No Cam to… well, do whatever it was Cam did to help – bring her macaroons, perhaps. And no Jack. Jack, her lodestone. But he wasn’t here. And so Sam sat and stewed.
***** *****
John had settled. It was two weeks now since that explosive meeting in Carter’s office where his personal life had been put on display and ripped to shreds, and he was finally starting to get used to the cold loneliness of his bed. It wasn’t that he’d never spent a whole night there. He had. Frequently. It was just that he’d always known, in the back of his mind, that he was only in his bed because Lorne was off-world for the night, or because the Daedalus was parked off the East Pier. It was never because Lorne had been expelled from Atlantis and booted back to Earth.The first few nights had been awful, and it wasn’t until John intercepted a warning look from Carter that he realised his personal appearance was showing the lack of sleep. She’d been very clear that he had to keep up the front, to do his job without anyone realising he was mourning, and he wasn’t managing it. He knew she’d act to protect herself if he fucked this up. She’d have to, or face censure for her actions here in not immediately having them arrested. So John had sought out Carson and asked for some sleeping tablets. Despite Carson’s gently intrusive concern, John had managed not to reveal the source of his issues, and had slept nine hours straight-through the first night he’d taken a tablet. Obviously he couldn’t do that every night, because being on call twenty-four/seven meant just that. (It was actually twenty-seven/seven on this planet, but hey, a lifetime of knowing there were twenty-four hours in a day kinda stuck.) And so two weeks had passed, and John had accepted that Evan was gone – for now – and had managed to establish a sleep routine in his own bed that meant he rose refreshed each morning and looked like the competent capable commander he was supposed to be.The first databurst to Earth since Evan had left was going out in the morning, and John had yet to write his one-hundred-and-fifty words. Only that wasn’t technically true. He’d actually written more than two thousand words to Evan. Sitting in his office, wading through paperwork, trying to bring Major Teldy up-to-date on where Evan was with everything – not that John knew, because Evan was infinitely capable and didn’t need John’s involvement at all, except for the occasional signature if he decided not to forge it. But Evan’s desk was in John’s office, so he was peripherally aware of what Lorne did. All of that, and more, had gone into a document on his desktop, spilling his heartache and his trauma onto the page, knowing that Evan would never see it – and not really wanting him to, because it was all just so depressing. But it was actually helping. To write out how badly he missed Evan, how each waking breath was torture, knowing that the other half of his heart and soul was a galaxy away, doing who knew what. Sighing, John went to have a shower. Thoughts of Evan accompanied him, even in there, bringing him a measure of physical release even if there was no emotional comfort to be had, but still… it was a while before his attention turned to washing himself clean.He came back out into the bedroom, his movements languid as he donned his oldest sweatpants for sleep. Then he grabbed his copy of War and Peace, opened his laptop and sat down, ready to type. Nothing personal. Maximum one hundred and fifty words. God!John wrote inanities, the sorts of things that, if the SGC were reading the first and last sentence – which he guessed was possible – they’d expect a CO to say to his PTSD-suffering XO. Then he wrote the stuff he really needed to say to Evan, the personal stuff, the stuff that was coming from his raw and bleeding heart. He hadn’t always been open with his words, hadn’t been all that good at saying the emotional stuff… but with Evan ripped away from him and flung across the vast oasis of space, separated from him by untold light years, John’s emotional gates had opened and he was ready, willing and able, to say exactly how he was feeling.It took a while, but when he had exactly one hundred and fifty words – including the words to be encoded, joined together to throw off the code-crackers, he gave it one last read.
Hi Lorne, I hope you’ve settled well into Earth and the SGC. Lots of the guys are really bummed that they didn’t get the chance to say goodbye to you when you left. I hope the medical people are treating you well, and that you’ve had a chance to see your family. The last couple of weeks have been pretty challenging with some off-world missions and some stuff around base, but we’ve got Teldy in your role for now and she’s doing a good job. Iloveyou. Ifucking loveyou andI missyou sofreaking much. Didwe dothe rightthing? Ifeel asifI havehung youout todry. Radek misses your kolaches. Your team are doing okay, Coughlin came to see me when you left and I spoke with Reed and Rivers. They’ve hung your paintings in the common room for everyone to enjoy. You don’t need to worry about them, just focus on yourself. Bye, Colonel Sheppard.
Wiping the tears from his cheeks that his few, brief words of love and concern had evoked, John opened War and Peace to page eighty and encrypted his personal message, making it a series of nonsensical letter-strings. God he hoped Lorne had managed to get the same version of the book. Otherwise this attempt to communicate was going to be a total bust.Sighing sadly, John clicked send, knowing the message would slide into the package of data awaiting transmission in the morning. He closed down his computer and carried War and Peace back to bed with him. He’d been reading a couple of pages a night as a precursor to turning out the light and trying to sleep. Routine-routine-routine as Carson had said.Curling up on his side, he tried to lose himself in the intricacies of the Napoleonic wars on Russia.
***** *****
Teyla had noticed John’s low mood, and – being Teyla – had a fair idea of the cause. Not that there’d ever been anything overt, but she'd noticed the Colonel’s behaviour change halfway through the second year she’d known him. He’d still flirted with every person they came across, but he'd stopped accepting the offers of a warm bed and a loving companion. He was clearly skilled in letting people down gently – and in private – but to one as observant as Teyla, the signs were there.And so she set about doing what she could to support John in Atlantis, and to support his beloved, exiled to Earth. Her English writing skills were not strong, and so she approached Miko and asked for help, and Miko, being Miko, was delighted to offer her assistance to the esteemed Teyla Emmagan. And so Teyla was able to compose a lengthy email to Major Lorne that shared snippets of life for nearly a quarter of the expedition. Nothing classified, nothing that was even really mission related, just a series of short stories really, about Corporal Snade’s broken finger when he’d misinterpreted Teyla’s swing with the bantos stick, Dr Parrish’s delight in a new flower that was very similar to Earth’s pansy, Nurse Marie’s stumble in the mess that had deposited an entire bowl of soup into Sergeant Stackhouse’s lap – and the romance that might well be brewing because of it, and Rodney’s lengthy conversation with John on a very arduous trek through a mountainous countryside, where John had managed to distract Rodney from the vagaries of the track by ‘discussing’ the merits of Magneto versus Professor X, and who was the better warrior, Wolverine or Cyclops? Teyla included mention of various Athosians as well, and finished by passing on her own best wishes, and those of everyone in the Expedition, all of whom missed him and wished him well. When Miko had re-read the entire missive to her, Teyla had been very pleased. She’d managed to include three John-related anecdotes, all couched in terms that made it seem like she was really telling a story of someone else. Smiling, Teyla thanked Miko, and watched her click ‘send’ before drawing her into an Athosian embrace of gratitude, and leaving her to her work.
***** *****
Coughlin, Reed and Rivers had discussed it, and had agreed that each fortnight (the databurst went fortnightly) one of them – and one only – would include a little tale of Colonel Sheppard’s doings in their emails to the Major. They’d rotate the author, but they’d all be involved in agreeing which story to tell, and in ensuring it hit the right note of an irrelevant bit of interest. The other two would just write a normal email about their own doings as a team. It was all they could think to do, to support their team leader in exile.This first time was Coughlin’s turn. Most of his email was taken up with hoping the Major was doing okay, sorrow at losing him from Atlantis, and good wishes for his future. The tale they’d chosen for this email was the altercation in the barracks that Sheppard had resolved by being able to recite the names of the eight reindeer, thereby rendering all six marines who had come to blows over it, mute. It’d been hilarious at the time, to see Sheppard, half asleep, his worn sweats threatening to slide off his hips, shouting out the names over the rough and tumble in the marine’s rec room. Of course he’d added Rudolph at the end, before having all six marines tossed in the Brig for the night to cool off. Coughlin signed the email and hit send, hoping the tale would bring a measure of comfort to his team leader, all on his own, there on Earth.
***** *****
When the wormhole opened to Earth at 0600hrs the next morning, John was actually standing next to Chuck, watching as he dialled and pressed send on the data packet. A moment later, an incoming databurst was received, and the wormhole shut down instantly.John patted Chuck on the shoulder and headed for his office. McKay had written an algorithm that automatically unpacked the data and forwarded emails to the intended recipients, which meant that by the time John reached his office and booted his computer, any incoming missives from Earth should be sitting in his inbox.God how he hoped Lorne had had the chance to send him something. Anything. Even an empty email from Lorne’s email address would be enough! No, it wouldn’t… but it would. He just needed contact.John entered his password and immediately clicked on his email system. One hundred and eighty new emails. Fucking IOA! He ran his eye down the list, searching, searching… and there it was. John could feel his spirits lifting, a smile growing brighter by the second, as he moved the mouse pointer and clicked to open the email.
Dear Sir, Thanks for your support in my time of need, and for enabling me to take the best course of action and return to Earth. I’ve been welcomed back with kindness and understanding. General Landry’s been particularly supportive. I have counselling sessions twice a week to work through my PTSD and Pegasus combat experiences, and have been helping out in the labs with the Ancient devices that the SG-teams bring back through the Gate. I’m not Gate-rated at the moment, and my flight-status is currently on hold, until the psych clears me. I haven’t had the chance to go off base yet – Doc Frasier and the psych want to keep me close until they’re sure I’m okay, so I haven’t been shopping at all. But Dr Jackson offered to bring me back some second-hand books to read when he goes to Vegas on the weekend. Bye for now, Lorne
John read it through three times, then leaned back in his chair, the smile still on his face. After a few minutes of just basking in the knowledge that Evan had written these words, this email was from Evan, John started to parse his way through the information. Okay, there was good and bad. Landry was being supportive and everyone else was caring and kind. That was good. They’d stripped Evan of his flight status. That fuckin’ well sucked! Especially since the whole PTSD attack was completely made up. Fucking Carter had done this, she must’ve known that’s what they’d do to him, and she’d done it anyway – or perhaps on purpose, to punish them more. Because this was a mutual punishment. John hurt with the knowledge that Evan had lost his wings. And that he was trapped in the dull grey nothingness of the mountain, more than a kilometre underground, and not allowed out in case he reacted badly in public or topped himself. Fuck! But… even though he hadn’t managed to go hunting for War and Peace, Evan had obviously co-opted Jackson into doing it for him. John really hoped Evan had managed to impress on the rather vague archaeologist the necessity for the exact same edition of the book that John had.John pressed his fingers to his eyes. It was going to be okay. Evan was safe. He was safe and making plans. He had good people around him, and good people helping him out. Nodding to himself, John wiped away the incipient tears, saved the email to his desktop, and turned his attention to the myriad other emails that had flooded his inbox.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

The monthly emails continued – and yes, Dr Jackson had understood the need for the exact same edition of War and Peace that John had, thank goodness. John waited eagerly, month after month, for his one personal sentence from Evan to arrive through the Stargate, and although it warmed his heart to know that Evan was still thinking of him – and missing him – it did little to assuage the loneliness of his current existence. Fortunately, that wasn’t the only contact John had with the man he loved.Evan seemed to spend all of his spare time writing emails to everyone on base, and those emails could come fortnightly, when the regular databurst was exchanged with Earth. Evan could write to anyone else that he wanted, as many words as he liked, include photos and videos and personal information, and it seemed that he was taking complete advantage of that. A lot of the people he wrote to chose to share his news in the mess when John was sitting nearby, or in the labs when John was visiting Rodney or doing light switch duty. Teyla would share the content of her emails from Evan while they were eating dinner, and sometimes she would even ask Rodney to open her email on his ever-present laptop so she could show a photo that Evan had sent. And Coughlin actually took the trouble to come to John’s office, close the door, and open up the emails he, Reed and Rivers received, containing detailed stories of Evan’s daily life and photos of him with various SG-1 members. The second message Evan had sent John, had told him that Colonel Cam Mitchell had hit on him, and he’d turned him down, and John had been pleased to know that Evan was staying true to him, and not being lured away to have hot sex with other Air Force hotshot pilots. But the thing was, John was quite conflicted about Evan’s situation. John had been able to remain in Atlantis, in his own job, with no smear against his service record. And he had his team around him, and Evan’s team who seemed to have embraced him as well. He also had Carson, and Zelenka and Miko in the labs, all of whom were – or were fast becoming – close friends and were supportive of him and, he suspected, Zelenka at least had worked out that there was more between him and Evan than a purely professional relationship. But Evan had no-one. No-one who knew that he’d been an invaluable and much respected part of the Atlantis expedition. No close friends that he could turn to for an evening of beer drinking or movie watching, to try and assuage the jagged and gaping gash running through the centre of his soul. And so, deep down, John really wanted Evan to find someone to be close to. Except not Cam Mitchell. Because that hurt too much to think of. To imagine Evan engaging in hot sex with another flyboy was just unthinkable. So seeing a photo of Evan in the mess hall at the SGC, sitting next to Cam – and not just next to, because Cam was leaning right in against Evan’s side for the photo, left John with very uncomfortable twinges of jealousy in his stomach. He flicked to the next photo – one of Evan with Vala draped all over him, which surprisingly didn’t bother him at all. Evan’s emails to Coughlin had made it clear that whilst Vala had made several attempts to get Evan into bed, he was pretty sure she was just trying to make Daniel jealous. She was, apparently, pretty lonely, according to Evan, so he spent quite a lot of time with her, and by proxy, with the rest of SG-1 as well. John wondered if that meant that Cam had been given lots more chances to try and get into Evan’s pants? And then he sighed, because really, if Evan needed companionship, wouldn’t John rather he was getting it, then sitting all alone every night, sleeping in an empty bed like John was, having lonely showers and bottling up all of his emotions? Yes, yes, John would prefer that. Except… just not with Cam!Evan’s third email said he’d been allowed to move off base, and was renting a flat in a nice area, and that his former team, SG-11, had helped him move in, and SG-1 had thrown him a housewarming party. John got all the details of that party from emails everyone else had received, so he knew that Vala had thrown up on Jackson, and that Landry had made a cameo appearance, and that even Siler had come along to drink to Evan’s improved health and wellbeing. It made John feel happy that Evan had support around him, and sad that it’d taken three long months before Evan had been allowed back into the sunshine.John’s work was suffering, and he knew it. It wasn’t that he wasn’t perfectly capable of fulfilling the duties of the Military Commander of Atlantis, because he was. Even with Evan missing from his life, John knew he was competent and controlled and perfectly able to continue to fight the Wraith, explore the city, repel the Genii and organise enough trades with other planets to keep his people fed. The problem wasn’t him. It was Colonel Carter.Carter hadn’t yet cooled off from the discovery that he and Evan were – in her view – engaged in a tawdry fuck-buddies relationship. And she was actively hating on him. In public she was just as nice as she’d ever been, calm, courteous, respectful. But then she’d come to his office, or trap him in a hallway somewhere, and spill the venom that was growing inside her, reminding him that she held the power over him, making sure he realised how little she trusted him. It made it difficult to keep his balance and continue to do what was best for his people in the face of her constant bitterness. Before Atlantis, John had always operated in environments where his superior officers were, at best, critical of his lack of military decorum, his slouch, his disrespectful attitude, his sloppy salutes, and his non-regulation haircut, or, at worst, straight out hated him. But here, in Atlantis, he’d found a home. For three long years, he'd had a place to belong, and people he cared about who cared about him. He and Elizabeth hadn’t always agreed, and hadn’t always got along, but they’d sure as shit respected and trusted each other. And John was feeling the lack of that trust now…Two weeks before, he’d been badly wounded in an explosion and had been kept in the infirmary for eight days, all told. A nightmare of inactivity… in pain, grumpy and uncomfortable – and itchy as the wounds started to heal and the stitches became a nuisance. John had wanted Evan desperately, had wanted him to come and stand at the end of the bed so John could gaze at him as he gave his professional five-minute daily update on the happenings around Atlantis, checking with his CO for any input, before leaving to continue the running of the city and the mission. But of course, Evan wasn’t here. Instead, he’d had his team sitting by his bedside for hours on end, watching movies with him and playing games. But he’d also had Evan’s team visiting him. Not just Coughlin, which could almost be overlooked. But both Reed and Rivers had dropped in at various points to check up on him, and John had had to quietly ask Coughlin to tell them to stay away, in case Carter noticed.Coughlin was pretty pissed with the way Carter was behaving. She wasn’t overtly rude to anyone other than John, but Coughlin saw it in the little things. When his team – now led by the new XO, Major Zimmerman, returned with injuries, Carter didn’t seem to care. She never visited them in the infirmary. She never even came down the staircase to offer solidarity as they waited for the infirmary to send a gurney. He’d been talking to Stackhouse, and to Teldy, and they could both see a sudden shift in Carter’s attitude towards the Expedition members since Evan had left. It seemed as if Carter had lost all interest in their wellbeing. The only time she showed any animation was when one of the scientists came up with a new discovery, and then she had her grabby hands out, getting all the details and sending it through to Earth, quite obviously hoping for some sort of recognition from her superiors.And then, one day, when Evan had been gone for more than four months, John received a call over his radio to join Colonel Carter in her office.
***** *****
“You asked to see me, ma’am?” John said deferentially, as he paused in the doorway of Colonel Carter’s office. Sometimes, if he was polite enough, he didn’t get strips torn off his hide.“Yes, please come in, John, and close the door,” Sam said, and John did as asked, settling himself on the sofa.The moment the door was closed, Carter’s tone changed from courteous to curt. “The IOA have requested your presence on Earth, Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard. You’ll go through the gate from here to the SGC, but will return on the Daedalus. I expect you’ll be there for around six days, in meetings with various officials.” “Okaaay,” John responded, tamping down sharply on the sudden spike of excitement Carter's words had provoked. “What’s this all about?”“The IOA have asked for a debriefing on the military situation in Pegasus, and they’ve specifically requested that you attend in person to answer their questions. You’ll depart in two days’ time at 1400hrs, so you have until then to hand over your duties to Major Zimmerman. Dismissed.”John stood, saluted, and hightailed it out of Carter’s office before the grin that was building inside him could overtake his face. Two days! Just two more days and he’d get to see Evan! Moving as speedily as he could without attracting attention, John headed for his office, locked himself inside, and then just let go. He was laughing wildly, his head tilted back with the power of the emotions bubbling up and out, and he felt all his stress just washing away in the relief of knowing that he’d be seeing Evan… in the flesh. He could hug him. He could hold him. He could talk to him… tell him all about the shit he was living with, let Evan know just how fucking much John missed him. They could order in Chinese and eat it on Evan’s sofa, watching whatever ballgame was on, and then they could make-out for hours before retiring to Evan’s bed and getting onto the hardcore reunion sex. God! Tears were making tracks down John’s cheeks, the surfeit of emotion turning from glee to heartfelt relief. Up until that moment, he hadn’t realised how on edge he’d been, how hard it had become, being in Atlantis under the new angry-Carter regime. But now… he and Evan had been granted a reprieve. The fucking IOA had done what John himself had been unable to achieve – given him a return pass to Earth. John had actually, at one point around the three-month mark, tendered his resignation, only to watch in frustrated disappointment as Carter had torn it in half and dropped it in her wastepaper basket. So to have the IOA suddenly request him… Fuck! John wiped the tears from his face and slowly pulled himself together. Evan. He was going to see Evan. And that was all that mattered.
***** *****
Carter sat in her office after Sheppard had left, feeling the rage building inside her.Her jealousy had spiked the moment she’d read the IOA’s orders recalling Colonel Sheppard to Earth, but she’d held it together… right up until Sheppard had left her office, unable to hide his joy, his elation at the prospect of seeing his lover. Resentment was mixing dangerously with her constantly simmering anger to the point that it was now starting to overset her emotional control.It wasn’t fair! Sam slapped her hands down against her desk, feeling the sudden sting of pain and curling her palms up around it.Why should Sheppard be recalled to Earth? Why should Sheppard get to see his lover, when she was still stuck in Pegasus with an expedition of people who were turning against her, trapped millions of light years away from the man that she loved? Why should Sheppard and Lorne, who had contravened the regulations and broken the trust of every person on this base with their illicit affair, get to have a happy reunion, while Sam herself had no chance of seeing anyone that she loved anytime soon?Her stomach was churning at the injustice of it all, resentment flooding her veins until all she could see was Sheppard getting what he wanted while Sam herself remained in Atlantis, isolated and alone, Jack three-million light-years away from her, and as unobtainable now as he’d been for all those years as her team leader.Memories came back to her then… memories of ten years of yearning for Jack, but denying herself the comfort of intimacy because she hadn’t wanted to break the rules. So many times they’d pushed their feelings aside, down, away, hidden the depth of their emotions, pretended they didn’t feel more for one another than they were meant to… They’d been in constant peril and yet, despite the intense misery of nearly losing Jack on multiple occasions, having to watch him walking into danger nearly every day… actually watching him being hit with a staff blast to the chest and thinking he was dead, waking eighty years into the future and being told he was dead… Despite all of that, she’d still held her emotions in check, had still made sure to adhere to the rules that the Air Force set out for interacting with someone in your chain-of-command. In ten years, she and Jack had never acted on their feelings. Not once had they given in and taken what they’d both wanted, despite the constant life-threatening danger they’d been in.But Sheppard and Lorne had. Just because Sheppard had been drained by a Wraith, Lorne had thought that was enough for him to make a play for his superior officer, and Sheppard had had no sense of honour at all… had launched them both into an illicit liaison, defying the regulations, side-stepping their moral obligations, ignoring how wrong it was, just for the sordid chance to fuck each other. Sam was shaking now, her fists clenched as she felt a visceral joy in having exiled Lorne to Earth, leaving Sheppard here and alone and bereft for all these months, where she’d had the power over him. But now the bloody IOA had recalled him to Earth and the anticipation Sheppard had been unable to conceal was causing Sam’s stomach to churn at the thought of him seeing Lorne, hugging Lorne, fucking Lorne. Wondering at herself, that she could be this enraged, Sam tried to get a grasp on her emotions, but they were beyond her control, too intense, too strong to be contained. Her mind brought forth a suggestion, something that would help her to regain her balance, and she immediately reached for her computer, calming herself enough to type up an email to General Landry. Chuck didn’t question her when she asked him to open the gate to Earth for a millisecond as she sent her email through, and, smiling to herself in smug satisfaction, her emotions finally settling quietly about her, Sam retreated back to her office to read through more of the science team reports, looking for something, anything, any great new discovery that she could offer up to the SGC as proof of her worth as the commander of this far-flung base.
***** *****
When John stepped through the gate to Earth, he’d almost expected to see Evan waiting for him at the foot of the ramp, the grin that showed off his dimples firmly in place, bouncing impatiently on his feet, just as desperate to hug John as John was to hug Evan.But he wasn’t there.John’s duffle bag was taken from him, and he was directed to the infirmary for a full medical, and from there to General Landry’s office, where the General laid out the plan for the days that he’d be spending at the SGC. There was nothing earth shattering there – a lot of time allocated to meeting with the IOA, some time in the labs with the Ancient tech that the SGC teams kept finding and bringing back, and – oh! – some time scheduled to renew his competency on several of the choppers and planes that he’d flown regularly. Excellent!But underneath it all, was the simmering need to see Evan. No-one had mentioned him, and John could hardly ask where he was, but the last email from Evan had said that he still hadn’t been cleared by the psych for off-world missions, so he knew Evan had to be around somewhere.The moment General Landry dismissed him, John went on the hunt, visiting the mess, the gym, the labs… but Evan was nowhere to be found. Resigning himself to waiting, John headed for the locker room. He knew that Evan had an apartment off base, and Coughlin had given him the address that Evan had mentioned in an email, so all he needed was the spare key that all SGC personnel were obliged to keep in their lockers, and, having found it, he left the mountain.No-one answered John's knock, and when he let himself in, Evan’s flat was cold and empty. John tossed his duffle bag onto the coffee table before quickly checking the bedroom in case Evan was actually asleep. He wasn’t.Sighing at still not finding the man he was so desperate to see, John slumped down onto the sofa, pulled off his boots, and looked around. The room he was in was nicely proportioned, with decent – if clearly pre-loved – furniture, a good-sized TV and lots of paintings on the walls. John recognised Evan’s talent, shining through in each of the landscapes and smiled a little, feeling a sense of connection even in the absence of the artist himself. Shaking his head sadly, John made himself get up and check out the food situation. The pantry had plenty of options, and the fridge was filled with some meat and a number of slightly droopy looking vegetables. But the use-by-date on the meat was yesterday, so John took it down to the trash cans at the base of the apartment building, a sense of foreboding starting to build. Where was Evan? Because John couldn’t imagine the very well organised and supremely competent Major Lorne allowing his meat to go off. If he’d realised he wouldn’t be able to cook it before the use-by-date, he would surely have tossed it in the freezer. But he hadn’t. Which suggested that he’d left in a hurry.John went back to the bedroom, finding no signs of hurried packing, nothing to suggest that Lorne had deliberately chosen to holiday away at this point in time. A chill of despair ran down his spine as he remembered the smile Carter had given him as he’d stood in the Gateroom, waiting for Chuck to dial Earth. It’d been a smile of triumph, a smile of malicious enjoyment, and John had the horrible feeling that Carter had managed to engineer the situation so that John wouldn’t get to see Evan. Feeling very unsettled, John ordered in takeaway and sat in front of the TV watching a ball game, although he wasn’t really following it – his mind was too taken up with his missing lover. Eventually he grabbed his duffle bag and headed for the bedroom, pausing long enough to have a long, hot, shower, using Evan’s shampoo and body wash and revelling in the scent, before pulling on some old sweatpants and a t-shirt and climbing into Evan’s bed. The pillow smelled of Evan – and so did the bed sheets, and John snuggled down into the blankets, letting Lorne’s scent surround him. He was very worried about where Evan might be, and when he’d be back. But there was nothing John could do about it right now, so he pushed his worry – and his bitter disappointment – aside, and composed himself for sleep.
***** *****
The next day didn’t start very well. John had roused in the pre-dawn from a very erotic dream, Evan’s scent wrapping around him and a solid erection distending his sweatpants. Finding himself alone in the bed had dimmed his arousal somewhat, but the smell of Evan’s presence and the lingering effects of the dream were enough to have John sliding his pants down off his hips and taking himself in hand, bringing himself to orgasm with thoughts of Evan’s body pressed against his own.Floating down from bliss to the stark reality that Evan hadn’t come home last night was enough to shatter John’s mood though, and he left for his morning jog feeling worried and disappointed and angry. Angry with Carter, because his memories of that smile were rising again in his mind, leaving him feeling certain that she’d intervened to keep them apart.He showered and, grabbing breakfast on the way, was back at Cheyenne Mountain by 0730hrs, ready to meet with the IOA at 0800hrs. But first… he headed to the mess, hoping to find someone he knew and could therefore make subtle enquiries of about his former XO. Spotting Colonel Edwards – Evan’s old CO from SG-11 – John joined the food queue and selected an apple and a bottle of blackcurrant juice before looking around the mess as if trying to find someone to sit with. He caught Edwards’ eye and nodded, then crossed the room and tilted his head to the spare chair at his table.“Sure, Sheppard, take a seat,” Edwards said easily, and John sat down. Edwards’ team was sitting with him too, so John waited through the inevitable introductions, and then, when the conversation shifted to asking him about Atlantis and why he was here, John was able to give a brief spiel about the IOA, and then ask if the Colonel knew where he could find Major Lorne as John wanted to check in with him and see that he was going okay. “Major Lorne,” Edwards said, nodding slightly. “Poor bugger. He always was a little shocky – I was with him on the Unas planet, you know, and he reacted really badly to finding Ritter’s body. Vomited everywhere. I was disappointed to hear that he’d had a PTSD attack so bad it messed up your response to the alien invasion.”John kept the glare off his face by sheer force of will. “It wasn’t as bad as the rumour mill’s clearly made it sound,” he managed to grind out, forcing the smile to stay on his face. “We did repel the invaders, after all.” He smirked, and asked again, “So is he about somewhere? His men miss him a lot, I’d like to be able to give them an update.”“Actually, he’s off-world at the moment.”John stilled, and Edwards eyed him a little oddly before continuing. “There’s a boot camp for the newbies, and one of the instructors broke a leg. Lorne was tapped to replace him. It’s a two-week rotation, so I doubt you’ll get to see him. How long are you here for?”John’s hands were clenched into fists under the table, but he kept his expression neutral and his voice even. “I go back with the Daedalus, so five or six days, I guess. When does the boot camp wrap up?”“It’s only about Day Four, I think. I’ll let him know you were asking after him though.” Edwards smiled. “It’ll probably help to know that you guys in Atlantis still remember him.”John pushed his chair back, apple core in one hand, his empty juice box in the other. “Thanks,” he managed. “I’d appreciate that.” He nodded at the other personnel at the table and then left, tossing his rubbish in the bin as he cleared the mess doors. He headed straight for the locker rooms where he locked himself in a toilet cubicle, sat on the lid, and shook. He couldn’t make a sound, not in so public a space, but he also couldn’t have been anywhere that people could see his face. He’d banked so much on being able to see Evan, to hold him, to touch him, to breathe the same air as him… and now… now there was no chance. No chance at all. Despite not being cleared by the psych for off-world missions, Evan had been sent off-world on a mission. Fuck!John clasped his hands tightly between his thighs, his whole body shaking with the force of his held-back emotions. He could feel the tears prickling in his eyes, and knew he was moments away from a rather spectacular meltdown. His watch beeped and he glanced at the time. Five minutes and the IOA was going to start interrogating him. Taking a deep breath, John started the process of squashing all of his emotions back inside himself and locking them down tight. He was going to need all of his control to get through this meeting as it was, he didn’t need the bleak and hopeless tangle of his personal life intruding right now.Five minutes later, John lifted the lid, flushed the toilet and emerged, finding SG-3 getting changed to go off-world. He managed a smile for them, washed his hands, and left the locker rooms, heading for the conference room. On the outside, he looked calm and laconic, just like normal, but on the inside he was a mess. He hadn’t been totally successful at suppressing his emotions, and the anger he was feeling towards Colonel Carter was growing by the second leaving him feeling off balance. He wasn’t sure how well he was going to handle the meeting.
***** *****
Three hours later, John finally emerged from the conference room and bee-lined for the gym. He’d held to his composure by the skin of his teeth, through three very long hours of IOA needling, incessant questioning of every decision he’d made in Atlantis, and second-guessing his strategic briefing on conditions in Pegasus. And now he needed a way to get the tension out of his body.Colonel Cameron Mitchell was in the training room, warming up, and John’s face lit with savage joy, because this was the man who had hit on John’s lover. The man who had wanted to get in Evan’s pants. He was the perfect target for John’s anger.Mitchell saw him and smiled. “Hey, Sheppard, I heard you were here. I guess you’ve got some stress to burn after the grilling the IOA no doubt put you through.” He gestured at the mat in front of him. “I’m willing and happy to help if you want.” He smiled in jocular fashion, and John stepped onto the mat, nodding tightly.“Thanks,” he said, and then he attacked. Cam, though, was very skilled in hand-to-hand combat, having been trained by the Sodan, and John knew this wasn’t going to be easy. And that was all to the good, because John needed to get very physical to work off this rage inside him, and having a competent opponent meant he didn’t have to hold back.By the time John was feeling calmer, a good forty minutes had passed, and he and Cam had garnered quite the crowd. Bets were being placed and the onlookers were cheering – mostly for Cam of course, since hardly any of them knew John. He decided he’d got what he came for, and it was time to end it, so he launched himself at Cam, using some of Ronon’s wiley Wraith-downing moves, and moments later Cam was lying on the floor, pinned down by John’s arm pushing on his windpipe. After a few, fraught moments, Cam reached out his hand and tapped the floor, and John slowly let him go. He even offered him a hand up, not wanting to cause himself any problems with Cam’s obvious fan club. It was hard enough being the outsider – the guy who’d barely seen the inside of the SGC before disappearing through the gate to Pegasus – without also alienating the people who worked here.Cam reached up and accepted John’s hand, getting to his feet and wiping the sweat from his brow with his sleeve. “You need to teach me that move.”John shook his head, smirking. “That’s a Ronon special. Good for Wraith. You come to Atlantis, and Ronon’ll teach you himself.” Nodding, John slipped out of the room. He was feeling calmer, more sane, and he stood in the communal showers, letting the hot water wash away the last of the stress. For now. There was no doubt in John’s mind that he was going to spend most of the week in a heightened state of anger and frustration, but for right now, the adrenaline was dropping away, and he was feeling okay.Towelling himself dry, he headed for the infirmary to get the cut on his cheek seen to, and to ask for some painkillers for the bruises Mitchell had inflicted along his ribs. With all the other shit he was dealing with, there was no point also fighting against pain.
***** *****
John had, unfortunately, been right in his prediction that his anger wasn’t going to stay down for long. The only bright spot in the entire six days he’d been here was the afternoon he’d spent at Peterson, taking various different choppers and aeroplanes up into the blue of the Colorado skies and being signed off as still proficient.The rest of the days had been filled with utter bullshit. Reading between the lines, the IOA were considering pulling out of Pegasus – either by flying Atlantis back to Earth, or by sinking it again, removing all personnel and abandoning the peoples of Pegasus to their Wraithy-fate. John’s jaw was aching very badly after having clenched it so tightly for so many hours on so many days. To make matters worse, there’d apparently been some leakage of alien technology, and the journalists were circling, sniffing for more clues, trying to find the story that was going to break all over the world and make their careers. The IOA had asked John about his willingness to be the ‘face of Atlantis’ for the media frenzy that was sure to follow if the Stargate Program was declassified and the public was made aware of the fact that the US military, and several other countries, had been knowingly and with intent, engaging with alien populations on other planets – and in other galaxies – for well over a decade. John wanted nothing to do with it, but he wasn’t sure he was going to be allowed to bury his head in the sand… or in the waters off Atlantis. He'd answered all their questions, advised against bringing Atlantis to Earth, explained that Dr McKay was in no way suited to being the smilingly approachable scientific face of Atlantis for the world’s media, and tried to get the self-serving IOA delegates to understand how important it was that they continue to fight the Wraith and defend the Pegasus natives. The IOA hadn’t been convinced. And added to all of that… John had spent several hours a day in the labs, helping to initialise Ancient tech with his super-gene, and had had to listen to the gossip as everyone talked about Major Lorne who usually did this for them, and how affable and sweet-natured he was, and how sad it was that his PTSD had caused him so many problems, and how he’d let everyone down by freaking out during the alien invasion of Atlantis.John’s mood was very dark and very dangerous by the time he returned to Evan’s flat the night before he was due to board the Daedalus for the interminable journey through the stars to return to Atlantis and his actively contemptuous CO. He seriously considered going AWOL, cutting out his subcutaneous tracker and hiding somewhere nearby until Evan reappeared, then going on the run with him; finding a nice private island and living out their days in peace. Except they’d be hunted to the ends of the Earth because of their security clearances and the knowledge of alien worlds that they held in their brains. There was nowhere on this planet that they could hide, and if John failed to board the Daedalus, Carter would just enact her revenge and write up the charge paperwork, and the moment Evan stepped back through the gate to the SGC, he’d be arrested and court-martialled and tossed in jail.Despite the depths of his frustration and anger and his desperate need to see Evan, John just couldn’t risk doing that to him. But his mind was simmering with ideas. Because the situation on Earth was clearly destabilising, and he couldn’t leave Evan here, and he couldn’t handle returning to Atlantis with no chance of seeing him, no possibility of being in the same space as him again for the foreseeable future. One clear thought stood out, and that was that John was done being separated from Evan, and if they couldn’t hide here, on Earth, then they were going to need to hide somewhere in Pegasus. And that meant getting Evan to Pegasus. And luckily, John had just the genius scientist on his side that he needed for the plan that was forming in his mind.He sat and wrote a long letter to Evan that night, pouring his soul out onto the page, telling Evan everything that he was feeling and thinking and letting him know exactly how bad it had grown in Atlantis, with fucking Carter’s attitude. And then he encoded the letter, spending his last moments on Earth making sure that only Evan would be able to read what he’d written, because it amounted to sedition.When he was done, he sealed the letter and slipped it into Evan’s bedside drawer, underneath the lube and the dildo. John had enjoyed using that dildo – he’d even left Evan a very nice recording of him using that dildo, although he’d hidden it very well, knowing that if anyone else found it, he and Evan would be for the chop just as surely as they would be if John failed to board the Daedalus.And so he packed his duffle bag and reported back to the SGC, just in time to be beamed up.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Eighteen interminable days later, John beamed down from the Daedalus to the Atlantis Gateroom along with seventeen new marines and scientists that had all signed on to join the Expedition. He took a deep breath, feeling Atlantis humming in the back of his mind, a feeling of happiness emanating from the city as if she’d missed him and was happy he’d returned.Sergeant Stackhouse was coming down the stairs, Dr Zelenka behind him, but, beyond acknowledging John’s presence with a smile and a half-hearted salute, Stackhouse was soon immersed in briefing the newbies and then sorting them into two groups – sending the scientists with Zelenka, and taking the marines himself.Handing his duffel bag off to one of the marines guarding the gate, John mounted the stairs, feeling his pleasure in his homecoming washing away as his eyes fell on Colonel Carter, sitting in her office, staring at the computer screen. She hadn’t even bothered to come and smile at the new arrivals, let them know they were welcome and wanted! He knocked lightly on the door frame, and took a half step inside. “Reporting for duty, ma’am,” he said stiffly, holding his posture rigid.Sam looked up at him and read the tension in his frame, and a maliciously self-satisfied smile lit her face. “Come in, and take a seat, John,” she said sweetly, her tone definitely at odds with her expression.John moved into the room, closing the door behind him. But he couldn’t sit. “Were you responsible for that, Colonel?” he asked. “For getting Lorne sent off-world?”“Yes, I was.” She stared at him for a moment as her expression darkened. “You broke the rules, Sheppard, and you’ve got away with it because of your freaky genetics. But there have to be consequences. A little email to Landry, a suggestion that Major Lorne’s recovery might progress more smoothly if he didn’t have any reminders of his failure here in Pegasus, and voilà!” She smirked at him.John felt the black rage boiling inside him and he knew if he stayed in Sam’s office another moment, it was going to erupt, and God help her then! Turning on his heel, he stormed out of the room, heading straight for the gym. Luckily Ronon was there, and John launched his attack even while Ronon was smiling in greeting. But Ronon was nothing if not responsive to threat, and he countered John’s attack and then gave him what he needed… an outlet for the anger surging through his body.An hour later, John finally stood panting, his shoulders drooping, his body dripping with sweat, feeling the rage within him banked – for now. “Thanks buddy,” he said softly, rolling his shoulders, and felt Ronon’s hand clasp and squeeze him. “Anytime, Sheppard. Didn’t see Lorne then?”John raised his head sharply, his eyes meeting Ronon’s in fear. But there was nothing of condemnation on Ronon’s face, just acceptance and sympathy. John shook his head. “Fucking Carter got him sent off-world.” “Sucks,” Ronon said. “Yeah, you can say that again.” John eyed him for a moment. “Sorry for… you know, attacking you.”Ronon laughed. “Best workout I’ve had for a while. You’re unpredictable when you’re angry.”John shrugged. “That’s probably good, because there’s a fuck-ton of anger still in here.” Ronon nodded, squeezed his shoulder again, and then turned to greet a couple of marines as they came through the door. John slipped out past them and disappeared down the hall.He showered for a long time, letting the feeling of being home settle into his bones. But it wasn’t really home, because Evan wasn’t here. Feeling the weight of that separation resting heavily on his back, bowing him forward, John reminded himself that he had a plan, it was going to be okay, he just needed Rodney… But he didn’t get to go find Rodney, because as soon as he stepped out of his bathroom, he discovered Sergeant Coughlin sitting on his bed. The Sergeant lurched to his feet immediately, saying, “Sorry for the liberty, Sir, but I wanted to talk to you in private.”“Okay,” John said, trying to ignore his nudity as he crossed to his drawers and pulled out clean boxers. “What’s up?”“Carter,” Coughlin said succinctly. “But first, how’s Major Lorne?”John shook his head. He pulled his t-shirt on, taking a couple of deep breaths to settle himself. “I don’t know. Carter had him sent off-world to run a two-week boot camp. He was gone before I got there, and I was gone before he returned.” He exhaled angrily, pulling on his BDU pants and buckling them before sitting on the bed to do his socks and boots. “Tell me about Carter.”“Stackhouse and I want to talk to you together, Sir.”John lifted his head sharply. “That bad?”Coughlin nodded. “Yeah. With you gone, there was no target for her venom, so it sort of spilled over. We didn’t realise what you’d been dealing with, Sir.”“Well, that’s just the cherry on the cake, isn’t it? All right, where and when are we meeting? I assume we don’t want Carter to know?”“No, but we can meet in your office, Sir. It won’t look unusual for you to have us both there for a catch-up meeting. Tomorrow. After you’ve met with Colonel Caldwell and Major Zimmerman today.”John nodded his agreement. “Okay. 0800hrs tomorrow then.”Coughlin smiled grimly. “Thank you, Sir. And welcome back.” He hesitated for a moment, then reached out a hand and gently squeezed John’s shoulder. “I’m sorry you didn’t get to see him, Colonel. And I know he’ll be feeling pretty sorry about that too.”John felt tears prickling at his eyes, but he kept his expression even. “Thanks, Coughlin.” He nodded in dismissal, and watched as Coughlin let himself out. Shaking his head, John pushed himself to his feet. Clearly things had not gone well in his absence. But that was tomorrow’s problem… and so John headed for the Conference Room to meet with Colonels Carter and Caldwell and Major Zimmerman, ready to hear all about what had been happening in Atlantis while he’d been wasting his time on Earth and on the Daedalus.
***** *****
By the time John left the command meeting, he was feeling very weary. The constant battering of his personal emotions was draining, and he’d had to spend two hours in a small room with Colonel Carter, listening as she and Major Zimmerman brought both him and Colonel Caldwell up to speed on what had been happening since Caldwell’s last visit – and since John had been gone, of course, although he didn’t think Carter cared all that much about giving him any information.Major Zimmerman’s attitude had been unusual though. He’d been providing intel from a military perspective, and John had picked up on an undercurrent of discord between him and Colonel Carter which struck him as very interesting. Zimmerman had been one of Carter’s advocates before John had left; it was unexpected to see him at odds with her now. Caldwell didn’t seem to have picked up on it though, so John assumed he was just finely attuned to look for nuance, and sat slouched in his chair, listening as the others all talked around him. Finally he was free and he took himself down to the labs in search of Rodney.He found him in the middle of a heated discussion with Dr Zelenka, so, knowing from experience that these things couldn’t be safely interrupted, John hopped up onto one of the lab benches and settled in to watch the battle in progress. They were arguing over something that was so far beyond John’s understanding of physics that he found his mind wandering, and it quite naturally wandered to Evan and the vast distance that existed between them. His shoulders slumped and his expression turned glum, and that’s when Radek caught sight of him. “Colonel Sheppard? Is everything all right?”“Huh?” John jerked back to the present to find both Zelenka and Rodney staring at him. “I’m fine,” he said, “I just wanted to talk to Rodney.”“Excellent!” Radek said. “Then I shall leave you to enjoy his company, because I am not!” And he slammed his laptop closed and stalked out of the lab. John thought the doors locked and then looked around. “Is there anyone else in here, Rodney?”“No,” Rodney said, his eyes focussing intently on John. “Why? And what’s wrong with you? I thought you’d be glad to be back?”John shook his head. “I need… I need your help, Rodney.” His voice broke a little and he took a shaky breath.Rodney was staring at him. “What’s wrong? What’s happened? Why do you look like that? Is someone… dead?”John shook his head again. “No, no. Just…” He gazed at his friend, and knew it was time to come clean. “Rodney, what I’m about to tell you has to stay in this room.”“Okay,” Rodney agreed. “If you’d hurry up and tell me, I can hurry up and forget whatever it is and get on with the important work I’m doing of proving Radek wrong!” “No, I need you to do something for me.” John drew a deep breath, but it was still shaky. Rodney had come close now, right up into his space and was gazing into his eyes. “Just spit it out, Sheppard. You’re beginning to freak me out. Have you been infected with a goa’uld or something?”John huffed out a rather hysterical laugh. “No. I just… Rodney, Evan’s on Earth and I can’t leave him there. I need you to… to make me a spaceship to go and get him.”Rodney rocked back on his heels. “What? Who’s Evan? And why would I build a spaceship for you to go and get him? If he hasn’t got clearance, he can’t come here. And if he has got clearance, he should’ve just come on the Daedalus with you.” He was staring at John as if he were mad, and John wasn’t sure he was wrong. “Rodney, Evan is Major Lorne. And I… he and I…” He paused, unable to explain this properly. His hand rose unconsciously, rubbing against the back of his neck as he tried to explain, but his voice was coming in fits and starts as the misery welled up inside him. “We… we were… and then Carter… when the invisible aliens… and she… and he… and then I went, but… not there!” His voice was strangled by the time he’d gasped that out. Rodney gazed at him, his expression perplexed. “Well! That was the most incoherent explanation I’ve ever had the misfortune to listen to!” John slumped forward, elbows on his knees and head dropping into his hands, feeling woefully incapable of trying again.Rodney leaned back and considered the evidence with which he’d been presented. His mind flicked back to the night of the alien invasion, the rumours that Lorne had had a PTSD attack, Sheppard’s uncharacteristic reaction the next day to Rodney’s disparaging comments about his XO, Sheppard’s obviously distressed state now, and the fact that he’d just returned from Earth… where Major Lorne had presumably been recuperating. Being a genius, it didn’t take long for Rodney to put together all the clues. “Are you… No! Are you telling me that you and your XO have been fraternising and Carter sent him back to Earth because of it, but when you went to visit he wasn’t there?” His tone was incredulous, and John could do nothing but nod his head, where it sat, clasped despairingly in his hands.“Huh!” Rodney exclaimed. “That’s unbelievable! You’re gay?! How did I not know this about you?”John lifted his head, his eyelashes damp. “It doesn’t matter, Rodney.” His voice was croaky with unshed tears. “What matters is that I need Evan here, and he’s not here, and it’s all going to shit there, and I need a spaceship to go and get him. I left him a letter, and I told him to not get dead because I had a plan. But I can’t do it on my own, Rodney. I need you. I need you to build the spaceship.”Rodney nodded in agreement. “Of course you do!” He caught John’s eyes. “I still can’t believe you’re gay and you never told me!”“Focus Rodney,” John said, shakily. “That’s not the point. I need a spaceship.”“Okay,” Rodney said, shrugging easily. “I’ll build a hyperdrive unit and install it in a jumper. That should work. But we’ll have to hook up one of the naquadah generators to power it and I don’t see how you’re going to get that past Sam. She’s pretty cluey.”John’s face had lit with hope. “You can do it?”“Yes, of course!” Rodney said, drawing himself up and thrusting his chest out. “Genius here!”“How soon?” John asked.“Well, how urgent is it?”“Very.”Rodney looked at him for a moment. “Far be it from me to poke holes in your plan, Sheppard, but even if I build you a hyperdrive, modified to suit the small size of the jumper of course, and you go to Earth and retrieve Major Lorne – which, by the way, I’m still freaking out over – what do you plan to do with him once you get him back here? You can’t exactly just slot him back into the command structure and hope no-one notices.”“No,” John said. “I know. I… I almost didn’t come back, Rodney, but we can’t hide on Earth. So we need to hide somewhere here, in Pegasus. I was thinking of Planet Waterfall. It was nice, good environment, no native population, has a gate, no big predators…”Rodney slumped down onto his chair, an air of disbelief about him. “You’re defecting?”John nodded jerkily. “Carter’s really angry with us, Rodney. And she’s holding the court-martial over our heads. The moment I step out of line, she’ll write up the charge paperwork, and I can’t handle the thought of Evan in jail… because of me.”“You know, Sam’s been acting a little… odd, while you’ve been gone.”“Really? How?”“She keeps coming down to the labs and interfering with my management of the scientists. She’s directed them to other projects, ordered them to abandon experiments that would only benefit Pegasus and not Earth, and told them to switch their attention to finding tech that can be sent back to the SGC. I’ve had numerous complaints, but she wouldn’t listen when I took it up with her.” Rodney scowled. “She’s not the same as she was, Sheppard. She’s… it’s like she’s angry or sad or both. I don’t know! I don’t understand human emotions at the best of times! But there’s something not right.”John nodded slowly. “She was incredibly pissed off when she found out about Evan and me, and she wrote all that bullshit on Evan’s file about PTSD – which he doesn’t have – and fucking up the response to the alien invasion – which he didn’t.” His expression turned dark, his anger at those perfidious lies rising again.“But that’s… you could report her for that, Sheppard!”“And then she’ll just write us up for the regs we did break, Rodney. She holds all the power. And she made damn certain that Evan was off-world when I was on Earth, so we couldn’t see each other, and she’s been a complete bitch to me ever since she booted him off Atlantis. She hides it in public, but she catches me in private and it’s really nasty.”“Huh,” Rodney said, having to rearrange his mental image of his long-time crush. “So she’s looking for tech that benefits Earth to offset the fact that she failed in her duties as a commanding officer because she didn’t notice you and Lorne were… together?” He shook his head. “I still can’t believe you’re gay! And you never said anything! How long were you and Lorne fraternising for?”“Nearly two and a half years,” John said softly, and his shoulders slumped again, the deep ache in his heart reaching out to smother him.Rodney’s hand on his shoulder brought John back from his depressing thoughts. “It’s serious then? This thing between you?”“Yeah, yeah it is.” John nodded, pleased that Rodney seemed to be accepting the fact that he was gay and in a relationship with his XO.“Right, well. We need to get you a jumper to take, but obviously I can’t just modify one of the ones in the jumper bay because Carter’ll probably hear about it. So… there’s two broken jumpers down in the underwater bay. I’ll get Zelenka to help me, and we’ll use the parts from one to fix the other. Then we’ll fit the hyperdrive.”“How long will the journey take me? It’ll be a month or two, right? I’ll need a lot of food.”Rodney gazed into the distance for a moment, then he started snapping his fingers. “No, no, not at all. Look…” He swung around to his whiteboard and started drawing. “You take off from the underwater bay – I’ll disable the alert for when the bay doors open – and you open a hyperspace window to the next system over where we know there’s a space gate. You’ll have to get far enough away from Atlantis so the sensors won’t pick it up when you launch the hyperspace window, but it won’t be a long jump to that gate.” His excitement was contagious, and John nodded his understanding, gesturing with his hand for the next part of the plan. “Then what?”“Right,” Rodney said. His whiteboard marker flicked across the board as he quickly penned in another planet. “You go through the gate to the planet closest to the edge of the Pegasus galaxy. Then you use the hyperdrive to get through the void between galaxies, and emerge at the planet closest to the edge of the Milky Way, fly through their gate to… say… Abydos. That’s close to Earth, relatively speaking. Then you hyperdrive from Abydos to Earth, staying cloaked, and land in Lorne’s backyard, collect him and bring him back.” He swung around, smiling triumphantly, and John felt a grin lighting his face.“And you can do this?” he asked, needing the confirmation.“Easily!” Rodney crowed. “Or… not easily, but it’s certainly doable. Radek’s very good with the jumpers – but don’t tell him I said that. He can amalgamate the two jumpers into one working one, while I put together a hyperdrive. And then it’s just a case of stealing one of the naquadah generators and hooking it up.”“Timings? How long to build it, how long for me to fly it there?”“Ah… a couple of weeks to build it.” He swung back to the board, considering his sketch of planets and gates. “Probably two to two and half weeks or so to do the trip one way. It takes the Daedalus eighteen days, but even powered by a naquadah generator, the hyperdrive in the jumper won’t be as powerful as the Daedalus’ one. Then again, you’ll be cutting out the in-galaxy travel by using the Stargates. So it’s really just the hyperdrive sections – and the few hours normal flight in our local system at the very beginning of the journey. I think you could probably cross the void in about ten days. John’s face was lit by an inner joy. “So in two weeks I can leave, and in less than five weeks I should be on Earth, collecting Evan?”“Yes, pretty much. Don’t hold me to that though. I need to consult with Radek, and we’ll have to do the work quietly on the side, because, as I said, Carter’s pushing for all our time to be used on projects that will benefit Earth, so we’ll have to hide what we’re doing.”John nodded. “Okay.” He jumped down off the lab bench, his spirits rising exponentially with the prospect of seeing Evan in just five weeks’ time. Reaching out he pulled Rodney into a hug. He’d never done that before, but Rodney was going to build him a spaceship to go get Evan, and John’s emotions were all chaotic.Rodney was a little taken aback because Sheppard was notoriously prickly about his personal space, but he went with it anyway, hugging him back. John pulled away and slapped Rodney on the shoulder. “You’re a good egg, McKay. Thank you.” And then he jauntily exited the lab, feeling hope and purpose filling him. With the spaceship project on the table, he now just needed to sort out somewhere for him and Evan to live.
***** *****
John had spent the whole night with his mind in a whirl, planning exactly what he needed and how he was going to get it. By the time 0800hrs rolled around, he’d almost forgotten that Stackhouse and Coughlin had asked to meet with him, but he was alone in his office when they arrived, so he smiled and thought the door locked once they were inside.“So,” he said, gazing at them both, “want to clue me in?”“I’ll start,” Stackhouse said. “Thanks for agreeing to meet with us, Sir. It’s, um…” he sighed. “It’s been a very challenging month, and we hadn’t realised how much flack you’d been taking from Colonel Carter until you weren’t there to take it anymore.”John nodded. “Okay, but her beef with me is private, so why is she causing you problems?”“Well, you already knew that she was taking very little interest in the off-world teams, or any injuries that we sustained, not bothering to come down to the Gateroom floor, not bothering to come to the infirmary?”John nodded, and made a ‘go-on’ gesture with his hand.“Well, we lost four marines, Sir, while you were gone, across three different incidents, and Colonel Carter didn’t even attend their funerals. She foisted the duty off onto Major Zimmerman, but he barely knew them, so Coughlin and I gave the eulogies between us.”John’s eyes widened, his expression darkening in anger at Carter’s behaviour. His feelings only showed for a brief moment though, before he clamped down on his emotions. “I read the reports,” he said stiffly. Atlantis had a standard protocol in place to forward all mission reports to the Daedalus the moment the ship entered the Pegasus Galaxy, and John had had several days to review what’d been happening in his absence. He shook his head, frustrated distress mixing with his anger. His people had been dying here while he’d been trapped on the Daedalus, and Carter – uncaring Carter – hadn’t even had the decency to see them given a respectful send-off. “I was really sorry to see that we lost Sergeant De Gras – he’d been with us from the beginning.”Stackhouse nodded sadly, “Yeah, he was a good man.”“And Corporals Minchin and Jantz had barely been here four months!” John huffed, distressed once again at the loss of his people. “And God! Corporal Barnes’ wife must be due to give birth any day.” He shook his head despondently, the reality of being the military commander pushing down on him.“Stackhouse and I wrote the letters, Sir,” Coughlin said softly, agreeing with the Colonel’s sentiments. “Major Zimmerman would’ve done it, but he knew we could put a more personal slant to it.”“And Carter didn’t even attend their funerals?”Both men shook their heads and John pulled his neutral mask firmly into place over his face, his anger at Carter’s indifference tugging at him sharply. “I noticed there seemed to be some… tension, between Carter and Zimmerman in the meeting yesterday. Is that why?”The two sergeants exchanged a look. “Probably, Sir,” Coughlin responded. “But she’s also been messing with the rosters, and arguing for different mission priorities. It’s less about securing food supplies, and more about hunting for tech. She’s got a bee in her bonnet about finding things she can send back to Earth.”John nodded. “Rodney said the same thing.” He sighed, leaning back in his chair and gazing up at the ceiling. There was silence in the room as the two sergeants let their CO think. Eventually John tipped his head forward, shifting restlessly in his chair. “You said you hadn’t realised how much flack I’d been taking until I wasn’t here to take it… so what else happened?”“She’s been really unpleasant in meetings, Sir,” Stackhouse said, “openly criticising the way you’ve been doing things, and ordering Major Zimmerman to change things around. You’ll find a fair few alterations to things like the city patrols and even the team make-ups. Not AR-1 or -2, but the others.”John huffed out a frustrated breath. “Right, well…” His voice trailed off as he looked intently at these two men. Stackhouse had been with the Expedition from the start, Coughlin had arrived after the first year, and they were both integral members of the military hierarchy. And John trusted them both. Implicitly. “Look,” he started, then what he needed to say grew to insurmountable levels in his mind, and he suddenly shoved back his chair and stood, starting to pace. “I think… I think this is all because of me… of the issues she has with me. Personal issues. And, well, I’m, um… I’m…” He stopped, unable to tell them what he was going to do, because it was suddenly so much more enormous than when he’d thought up the plan in the dark loneliness of Evan’s flat, and even more enormous than when he’d been getting Rodney onside to build him the means of getting to Evan.Coughlin shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Sir, are you–” He cut himself off, glancing sideways at Stackhouse, and suddenly John knew that he needed to tell them everything. To explain all of it. He threw himself back down in his chair and leaned forward, elbows resting on the table. “I’m going to defect,” he said, his voice quavering, ever so slightly. “And so I won’t be here, to provoke Carter’s anger any more. And she’ll… she’ll probably calm down. Maybe.”Stackhouse’s mouth had dropped open in shock, but Coughlin was nodding. “Here in Pegasus, Sir?” he asked, matter-of-factly. “Will you be able to retrieve… um…” he stopped, and glanced again at Stackhouse. John nodded. “Rodney’s going to put a hyperdrive in a jumper for me.” He turned slightly, his eyes falling on Stackhouse. “Um, I, um, I need to maybe explain what’s going on.” Stackhouse nodded, his mouth still open, and a bemused expression on his face.“I hope you’re not homophobic, Nate,” John said softly, watching closely, but Stackhouse just shook his head, his expression morphing to confusion. “Good, that’s good. I um, Major Lorne and I, ah, we were, um…” Nate’s eyes reflected sudden understanding. “Oh, jeez! And that’s what Colonel Carter’s problem with you is, and why the Major left so abruptly? And why you’re defecting?” He huffed out a surprised breath, shaking his head slightly. “Is Major Lorne not okay on Earth, Sir? Is that why you’re planning this?”Taking a relieved breath that everyone he was having to tell about his sexuality and his illegal relationship were all taking it so well, John replied. “I didn’t get to see Evan, Nate. Carter got Landry to send him off-world as soon as she knew I'd been recalled to Earth.” The rage rose in him again, making his hands shake slightly with the force of it, and John slid them off the desk and underneath his thighs. “Things aren’t going too well on Earth anyway. There’s leaked alien tech, and the vultures are circling. The IOA’s considering full disclosure of the Stargate Program, and want me and McKay to be the ‘Face of Atlantis.’” He screwed his face up, not at all enamoured with the prospect of weeks – or months – spent touring different countries and talking at public events, or being interviewed for TV shows worldwide. “Also,” he continued, “I think they’re considering pulling out of Pegasus. They were asking me about flying Atlantis to Earth, and whether sinking her again was a feasible option. It all comes down to how much power's available, of course, but the reality of my situation – and Evan’s – is that Carter’s only kept us out of jail because of my gene, and my usefulness in Atlantis. Once the IOA pull us out of Pegasus, I’m not nearly as valuable an asset, and I’m pretty sure she’ll turn around and write up the charge paperwork, and that means Evan and I living out our days in Leavenworth.” He shivered lightly, the thought unsettling him.“Well, we can’t have that, Sir,” Stackhouse said. “So, what’s the plan, and how can we help?”
***** *****
John curled up in bed, snuggling into Evan’s pillow that he’d brought with him from Earth. It still smelled of Evan – of his shampoo and his aftershave – and the scent was calming, balancing.The meeting with Coughlin and Stackhouse had been surprising, more so because they were both fully in support of his plans – and because they’d both offered to help set up a base for him and Evan on Planet Waterfall (John sighed lightly at the memories of Ford and his penchant for naming things). It’d mean that the risk of gating to an unauthorised planet was spread, and Carter hopefully wouldn’t notice what was happening. It also meant that John himself didn’t need to get it all together within the next two weeks – because Stackhouse and Coughlin could keep taking supplies there for all the weeks that John would be gone on his one-man rescue mission.A surge of joy ran through him as he lay there, thoughts of Evan intruding, and John let them. He’d done enough for today. Now he could just lie here and think of his lover – his beloved – and know that soon they would be back together. His mind wouldn’t settle though, and he spent some time musing over having spent the last twenty years – his entire adult working life – with his loyalty given over to an organisation that would happily string him up for his sexual orientation. Sighing sadly, he mulled over the perversity of being judged for his attraction to men when it didn’t make an iota of difference to how well he did his job. He knew the fraternising part of all of this was bad – he shouldn’t have done that and he knew it – but he’d fought his attraction to Evan for months before caving, and, having finally found someone that totally understood him, that got him in every single way, and accepted and loved him for himself, he hadn’t been strong enough to turn down what Evan was offering, to walk away from that chance of happiness. Especially knowing that at any moment either he or Evan might be killed, and all opportunities for love would be gone. Anyway, he and Evan had done everything they could to ensure that their private lives didn’t impact on their professional duties, and he thought they’d done a damn fine job of it. And now he just needed Evan to stay safe and not do anything stupid, until John could be reunited with him. That thought provoked the realisation that the databurst to Earth would be going out in the morning, and John hadn’t yet had the chance to write an email for Evan. It hadn’t been in the forefront of his mind, firstly because he’d expected to see Evan on Earth, and then, when that had been thwarted, he’d written him the really long, two-page missive, sharing all of his emotions in one big data dump. But he wanted to let Evan know that he was safely back in Atlantis, and that his plan was afoot. Sitting up, John leaned across towards the desk, snagging his laptop with his fingertips and managing to get it safely to the bed. Then he bent his knees, rested the laptop against his thighs and started typing.
Hi Lorne, I guess you’re back from your offworld mission now, I hope it went well. I’m not sure if you know that I was recalled to Earth for a week, to meet with the IOA. I was sorry not to see you – everyone misses you and I’d hoped to catch up and see you in person so I could report back on how you’re doing. The meetings with the IOA were… well, you know me and meetings! It would’ve been great to grab a steak and have a chat. Hopeyou foundmy letterin yourdrawer plusthe flashdrive. Staysafe cosRis wellon boardwith myplans. Idesperately wantto holdyouin myarms. Iloveyou foreverEv. The flight on the Daedalus was interminable, but I did get to refamiliarize myself with the F302’s. And while I was on Earth, I did my reaccreditation for the choppers and airplanes in my jacket. Take care of yourself, Lorne. Bye, Colonel Sheppard.
When he was done – very careful to check it was exactly one hundred and fifty words, and that the amalgamation of words in the private message section looked reasonable and masked common words – John reached for his copy of War and Peace, turned to the right page, and started encoding it.The smell from Lorne’s pillow was still wafting around him, and John felt hope rising through him as he coded the section about Rodney. He was going to see Evan again soon. Just a few more weeks to live through first.
***** *****
Sam sat in her office, brooding, something that she did a lot of these days.The photos of her team sat on the desk next to her, but they barely brought her any comfort anymore. Her team were a galaxy away, and only Daniel ever really wrote to her with any regularity. She got the occasional message from Jack – nothing personal of course because he just wasn’t that open to sharing his emotions – and sometimes Teal’c would ask Daniel to include some words from him, but other than that, it was as if they’d forgotten she existed. She and Jack had only just let their feelings out when the Atlantis posting had come up, and the move here had separated her from that chance of love and affection, leaving her all alone again, just like those ten long years while she and O’Neill had been serving together and trying desperately to ignore the attraction between them. As always now, whenever her thoughts turn to Jack, Sam felt her anger and jealousy rising, because all the time that she’d had been alone and lonely in Atlantis, Sheppard and Lorne had been fucking each other! It always came back to that! Her visceral outrage at Sheppard’s actions was hard to contain, and it was coupled with the overweening contempt and disdain she felt towards an officer who would break his oath and take a subordinate to bed – even if Lorne had said it was him who’d made the first move, there was still an abuse of power with Sheppard agreeing, and Sam couldn’t get past that. She herself would never consider bedding a subordinate, and Jack had stuck to that code too. But Sheppard hadn’t. He’d wanted and he’d acted, taking his XO’s body and fucking him, ignoring the rules, ignoring the reason for those rules. And because of that, he hadn’t been alone… and Sam was. Even more alone and isolated, because the people here, in Atlantis, were never going to be as important to her as the people at the SGC. She stared at her computer screen, remembering how hard it had been, from the very first, to try and fit in here. She’d been sent to replace Dr Elizabeth Weir, but Dr Weir had been well loved by her people, and the expedition members, mourning the sudden loss of someone they’d respected – someone who had been a part of their expedition from the very beginning – had provided only a lukewarm welcome for this new Leader that had been foisted on them. The military had seen her as usurping some of Colonel Sheppard’s power, and the scientists had looked at her with fear, wondering what the shift to military leadership was going to do to the primarily scientific mission they’d signed up for. She’d worked hard in those early days to gain some acceptance, gain a foothold here, show the people that she was invested in their future, and slowly she’d started to make headway, had felt that the residents of Atlantis were starting to accept her. But then Lorne had gone, and in the wake of his apparent desertion, Sam had felt the chill descending as the Atlantis community drew together in their distress, distancing themselves from her once more.She no longer felt connected to the city or the mission or any of the scientific or military personnel who walked the hallways of Atlantis. And it was getting harder, every day, to pretend an interest. It wasn’t just Sheppard and Lorne’s perfidy that bothered her now, it was everything. Their illicit relationship was a symbol of this place, this alien city on an alien world in an alien galaxy, far, far, far, far, far, from home.Sam’s shoulders slumped and she slid down a little further in her chair. She wasn’t sleeping well. She wasn’t eating properly. She’d stopped exercising – not wanting to be in the gym with all the gung-ho marines that followed Sheppard without question. She was barely even managing to make herself shower every day. She’d never been invited to any of the social gatherings that happened and while she could’ve gone to base movie night – that was an open invitation event for everyone – it just seemed too hard. She’d rather curl up in her room and cry into her pillow, missing everyone from home, missing her team, missing the value and the trust that General Hammond had placed in her. She knew her moods were growing more erratic. It was hard to care about anything when she actually didn’t care about anything. Each day was greyer than the last, and there was barely any point in dragging herself out of bed. But she did, because she needed to prove her worth to General Landry and to Jack. She needed to show them that she could command this city full of civilians and military personnel, that she could get the best out of her people, that she could make them find technology that would help Earth in their battles against formidable alien foes. And then, maybe, they’d let her come home. The brief messages of thanks from General Landry were all the recognition she got now, and memories of General Hammond’s kindly face and the support he’d offered her so freely, the faith that he’d had in her abilities, all served to make her current reality even more stark.Sighing deeply, Sam felt the apathy rising again. She pushed it sharply away. Last week she’d found a reference in the Atlantis database – a huge repository of knowledge that had no index and no logic to the way information was stored at all and was, consequently a positive nightmare to try and navigate – but anyway, she’d found a reference to an Ancient outpost that sounded hopeful. It was listed as an energy outpost and she’d felt a tiny spark of interest that maybe there’d be a ZPM there, or some information about making or recharging ZPMs. She’d immediately radioed Major Zimmerman and made him roster Stackhouse’s team to go there this morning and check it out.The Major was getting harder to deal with, and Sam almost felt grateful that Sheppard was back. As morally corrupt as he was, at least he obeyed her orders. ‘Too scared not too!’ Sam thought to herself, a small surge of vindictive joy running through her. She’d screwed him right royally with her email to Landry. And Lorne had been sent off-world and Sheppard hadn’t got to see him. Just like Sam wasn’t getting to see anyone that she loved. Christ! She couldn’t even see Cassie! Did Cassie miss her? Did anyone? She was starting to wonder if any of her friends had even noticed that she was gone. Would they care if she died here in Pegasus? Probably not. She was so isolated now, so alone, so unwanted, but she was the commander of the base, she was the leader, and they could damn well knuckle down and do what she said. And Sheppard at least didn’t argue with her… not anymore, anyway. Sam smiled again. Then felt a chill run through her, because she didn’t used to be a vindictive person, or a sly person or a person who took pleasure in other people’s pain. And now she was. Shaking her head, she tried to pull her wavering concentration back to the computer screen and find something that might interest her enough to pull her mind out of the apathy and darkness that seemed to be invading, a little more each day.
***** *****
John had met with Zimmerman earlier that morning, and the handover had been brief – and a bit apologetic, as the Major had described the changes to John’s standing orders that he’d been obliged to implement. John had just nodded and thanked him for his exemplary service, and Zimmerman had gratefully gone back to being just the XO, confident in the knowledge that he now had Colonel Sheppard sitting between him and Colonel Carter in the command structure. He’d worked for several months now under Sheppard’s leadership, and couldn’t fault the man. He had no idea what Carter’s problems with him were, but Zimmerman did not share her contempt or disdain.He came up beside John now, resting against the balcony railing as the gate lit up and Chuck called out the incoming wormhole, and then confirmed it was Sergeant Stackhouse’s IDC.John moved away and down the staircase, greeting Stackhouse as he emerged through the Gate. “Jeez! Find much mud guys?” he asked, aghast at the head-to-toe caking of brown glug all over his men.“There was a bog, Sir,” Stackhouse muttered, and then he straightened as Carter came into view. “Colonel Carter, ma’am, I’m sorry to report there was nothing there. We found the facility, but it’d been cleaned out, ma’am. The terminals wouldn’t power up and it was just empty aside from that.”Carter’s shoulders slumped, and she nodded once, then turned away. John watched as she plodded up the staircase, not having said one word to the returning team. She hadn’t even asked if they were okay under all that mud! Shaking his head he turned back to his men. “I think you’d better wash that off in the communal showers before you head to the infirmary. Carson won’t thank you for muddying up his sanctum.”Stackhouse laughed. “Yes, Sir,” he said, and led his team away.John watched him go. There’d been something in the way he’d given his report to Carter… something in the posture of the other team members… Hmm…Making a mental note to catch up with Stackhouse after he’d been cleared by the infirmary, John headed for the gun range to meet with the new marines that had come on the Daedalus with him. He needed to put them through their paces, check their competency on the weapons stocked by Atlantis, and also introduce them to the Wraith stunners. Smiling lightly – he liked weapons – John strode purposefully away.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

John’s afternoon had turned out to be busier than he’d intended, but on the way to dinner he took a moment to duck into his office to check the rosters for the following day. He faltered a little as he came through the door and discovered Stackhouse and Coughlin sitting in the visitor’s chairs as if waiting for him. “Sorry, did we have a meeting?”Stackhouse shook his head. “No Sir, but there’s something I need to tell you.” There was an odd energy simmering about him, and John thought the door locked as he sat at his desk, feeling a little wary. “Okay, I was wanting to talk to you anyway. There was something a bit weird about the report you gave Colonel Carter.”Stackhouse’s face suddenly lit in an enormous grin, and John rocked back in his seat. “What?” he asked. “The facility wasn’t empty, Sir.” Stackhouse’s eyes were gleaming.“Okay,” John said, suddenly feeling a bit breathless. “What did you find?”Stackhouse took a bracing breath, and then blurted out, “We found twelve mini-ZPMs, Sir. Twelve of them. And Dr Matheson confirmed they were full. All full.” He grinned insanely, and John felt his own face reflecting the expression.“Holy fuck, Nate! Twelve ZPMs? But why… why…?”Nate’s expression turned serious, and he leaned forward a little. “It was what you said yesterday, Sir. About the situation on Earth going to pot with the imminent disclosure of the Stargate Program and the IOA’s intention to pull out of Pegasus. And it’s Colonel Carter’s attitude as well, wanting us to focus only on saving Earth and not caring in the slightest for the people of Pegasus, or for our own troops even. And I… I just suddenly felt that I didn’t want to come back and tell her we found ZPMs, Sir. I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of reporting that to the IOA, and I didn’t want to give them the chance to pull Atlantis back to Earth immediately if we suddenly had the power to fly her. I know it was wrong… and basically treason. But I just…” His eyes flicked away for a moment, then came back to focus fully on John. “I think my allegiance is to you, Sir, not to the IOA. And I don’t like the way you’ve been treated. Pegasus isn’t like Earth, Sir. It’s a very different ball game here. If Dr Weir were still in charge, I would’ve come back through that gate with my arms full of ZPMs. But she’s not. And she never will be again.” His expression turned morose for a moment before he continued. “But the fact is, Colonel Carter has no loyalty to the troops here, she’s got no loyalty to Atlantis or to Pegasus. Her focus is on Earth and her ties are to Earth. And if things really are destabilising there, and the IOA’s considering pulling out of Pegasus completely, well… I’m not that comfortable with that, Sir.”John gazed at him for a long moment. Then he flicked his eyes to Coughlin, who had stayed quiet through everything Stackhouse had said. “What are your thoughts on this?” he asked.“Nate told me as soon as he was out of the infirmary, Sir. And my first thought was ‘shit, that’s sedition.’ But then… What are loyalties, Sir? Where do our obligations lie? I’m with Nate on Carter’s attitude to the military here. She doesn’t care if we die, she just wants what she can get from us, and from the scientists. And that pisses me off, a lot. And with you and Major Lorne, Sir? I know you contravened the regs, and I know that the frat regs are there for a reason and really important, Sir, but it’s not like your relationship ever interfered with your duties, not at all. In fact, I’ve seen you order Major Lorne into some pretty risky situations, Sir, without ever once hesitating. And as Nate says, Pegasus is a long way from the Milky Way, and I like to think that we take care of our own. Except Colonel Carter isn’t one of our own, and I don’t think she wants to be. So… Nate’s found twelve mini-ZPMs, and I think, if we bring one back, McKay could use it to power the hyperdrive in the jumper and you’ll get to Earth a helluva lot more quickly. I’m not sure what to do with the others, but fetching Major Lorne seems to be a good priority.” He leaned back in his chair, satisfied with what he’d said.John stared at him, thoughts bouncing chaotically around inside his head. “Look, I… I, um… Evan and I, we’re kind of obliged to defect if we want any sort of freedom. But you guys… If you do this, you’re allying yourself with me and thumbing your nose at the whole military structure, the SGC, the IOA… This is treason, it is sedition, and it’s…” He huffed out a breath, emotions swirling around inside him. “Are you damn sure you want to take this path? Earth could use those ZPMs.”“So could we, Sir,” Coughlin said. “I assume that you and Major Lorne aren’t just going to sit on your asses on Planet Waterfall and have sex all day long.” John blushed a fiery red, but Coughlin just plowed on. “You don’t strike me as someone who’s going to turn his back on all the friends and allies we’ve made here in Pegasus, and ignore the responsibility that you’ve shouldered for all these years towards helping them. I think you’re going to be doing something, even from exile, to try and diminish the power of the Wraith, and to support the communities that live here. I’d rather join you in that, then be sent back to Earth. The wars on Earth seem so pointless, Sir, once you’ve been out here, fighting true evil. The petty bickering and squabbling over land or religious or cultural beliefs is ridiculous when you consider that out here, there are life-sucking aliens wanting to cull people like cattle. And I’d rather be here, in Pegasus, doing some small things to help, than back on Earth, fighting in wars that I no longer believe in, Sir.”“I feel the same, Colonel,” Stackhouse said softly. “If the IOA are going to pull out of Pegasus – either by making Atlantis come back to Earth, or by sinking it, then I’d rather be here helping, than there, doing whatever I’m ordered to do. What we do here is important, Sir. Helping these people, it’s important. And we don’t leave people behind, Sir.”John was feeling pretty pole-axed at this point. He’d only progressed his plan as far as grabbing Evan and making a home together on a Pegasus planet. He hadn’t got much beyond that, but Coughlin was right. He wasn’t the type to simply sit around and enjoy living with Evan to the exclusion of all else. He and Evan were both fighters, warriors, and he knew Evan would want to continue to fight the Wraith in some capacity, just as he did. And if Coughlin and Stackhouse joined them, maybe Teyla and Ronon would too. He felt a pang of remorse at losing Rodney, but Rodney had family on Earth that he cared about, and the prospect of a Nobel prize, so the likelihood of him defecting as well…God! Was John really considering encouraging all of these people to defect? It was one thing for himself and Evan, because their only other option was court-martial, disgrace, jail… but Coughlin and Stackhouse were both excellent marines, they could easily return to Earth, just like Rodney would.John huffed out a confused sigh. Shaking his head a little, he said, “I’m a bit… um… It’s a lot to take in, just right now.” Then he lifted his eyes and caught Stackhouse’s gaze. “What about your team, Sergeant? They must know you found the ZPMs. You said Dr Matheson checked their charge!”Nate nodded. “Yes, they do know, and they gave me their oath not to say anything. I told them about what you said, Sir, about the IOA pulling out of Pegasus. They’re all first wavers, Sir, and they’re loyal to the expedition, not to Earth. We all came, knowing we might not be able to ever return. I think that makes us less… willing, to bow down to the dictates from an organisation that tells us what to do without ever having gained an understanding of the conditions here. I’ve said it before. Pegasus is different to the Milky Way, and different rules and attitudes are needed. I trust my team, Sir. They won’t talk about the IOA’s plans, and they won’t mention the ZPMs. I told them I’d be talking to you about it. They won’t say anything, Sir.”John nodded. This was getting bigger by the second. But then again, if he was strung up for leading a rebellion, it wouldn’t be all that much different to being jailed for loving his XO. And at least this way, Evan probably wouldn’t be caught up in the fall-out, if Carter realised what was going on before John had managed to extract Evan from Earth.“Right, well,” he said. “My team’s got a mission tomorrow. We’ll detour past your ZPM planet and let McKay have a look, and bring back whatever he thinks he needs. I assume it’s safe to leave them there?”Nate nodded. “ATA-locked door, secure facility. It’s hidden in the forest, Sir, so no-one’s likely to stumble across it, and the planet’s unpopulated as far as we could tell, so there’s no reason for anyone to be there anyway.”“Okay,” John said. “We’ll pack a change of clothes so we don’t come back muddy like you guys–” He broke off suddenly, surprised by Stackhouse’s sudden guffaw. “What?”“There’s no mud, Sir. We did that on purpose, so Carter wouldn’t order anyone else to check the facility out. Remember MX3-948? The one with the mud wallow the moment you step through the Gate?” John nodded and Nate smirked. “We went there, jumped in, rolled around, got muddy as all hell, then dialled back to PY4-852 and dialled straight home to Atlantis.”John laughed. “Your ingenuity never fails to amaze me, Sergeant. Good work.” He gazed at both men, suddenly feeling a lot more confident with these men on his side. “All right. I’ll go now and talk to McKay about the ZPMs – I might take him to one of the unused towers on the other side of the city, so his screams of joy don’t raise any eyebrows. But he’ll probably need to modify the way he’s building the hyperdrive module to suit a ZPM rather than a naquadah generator.”The two Sergeants rose to their feet, and John did the same. “Look, I, um… thank you. Thank you for… for trusting me, for being okay with, um, with me and… Lorne, and for… for wanting to… to help, to be a part of this.”“You’re the best CO I’ve ever had, Sir,” Nate said simply, “and the only CO that could’ve possibly handled all the shit Pegasus has thrown at us. I’m proud to serve under you, Sir.” He glanced across at Coughlin. “James and I’ll sort out supplies and so forth for Planet Waterfall. Corporal Harrison is often rostered to the supply room, Sir, and he’s a first waver. I’m sure I can get him to look the other way as we gather up some supplies for your new home... and probably our new home too, because I don’t doubt you’re right with the way you’ve read the situation on Earth.” He nodded deferentially, and Coughlin did the same, and then they filed out of the room, and John sank back into his chair.“Fuck,” he whispered, everything suddenly feeling a hell of a lot more immediate, more real. “God, Evan. What the hell am I doing? I was just meaning to save you from a jail cell, and now I’m leading a rebellion!” Shaking his head at his own actions, at the way he’d just caved and agreed, supporting his men in their treasonous actions, John pushed himself up to his feet and headed for Rodney’s lab.
***** *****

Two weeks later
John sat on his bed, his team around him, and tried to calm his rapidly beating heart. This was it. It was time.It’d been a busy – and challenging – two weeks. Rodney had been over the moon with the mini-ZedPMs and had almost run through the forest to get to the facility Stackhouse’s team had found, slavering as he confirmed Doctor Matheson’s verdict that they were, indeed, all full. And that’d been after they’d fulfilled their authorised mission of the day to MY2-936, where they’d finally – finally – come across the culture that had manufactured Ronon’s pulse pistol. John had been in alt, bargaining away half the supplies in their tac-vests to get hold of nine of the pistols. The team had understood why he wasn’t setting up a traditional trading agreement with the pulse-pistol makers. The day Stackhouse and Coughlin had spoken to him in his office, John had invited his team for a movie-night in his quarters and had let Teyla and Ronon in on what had been happening… and what was ahead. All three of them had been fully in support of John’s need to retrieve Evan and to set them both up off-world, and even Rodney had been onside with Coughlin and Stackhouse’s decision to support John’s desertion and to possibly join him and Evan in their new lives. Teyla had offered her own community to John, but he’d declined, knowing that the SGC had long arms, and would no doubt order troops to search for signs that they were hiding out with the Athosians. He had no wish to bring trouble on anyone. Ronon had stated his intention to leave Atlantis and join John and Evan, and Teyla had indicated that she too, would prefer that course of action if John were to leave and Atlantis was to either be taken to Earth or sunk beneath the waves. Rodney had looked pensive, uncertain of what he wanted to do, saddened at the thought of losing all of his team, but not wanting to cut ties to his sister and niece, or to the science community on Earth. But regardless, they were all supportive – even of Stackhouse’s decision to hide the ZPM-find from Carter and the IOA, and so when they’d realised this new planet they were visiting was the origin of Ronon’s pulse pistol, they’d all completely understood why John had immediately started bargaining with the supplies he had on his person, rather than a long-winded trade deal that led back to Atlantis.They’d stashed the pistols in the mini-ZPM facility, knowing they’d be safe there while John, Stackhouse and Coughlin were still setting up supplies on Planet Waterfall. That was going well actually. Stackhouse had brought Corporal Harrison sufficiently onside that he was willing to look the other way as the two Sergeants liberated certain of the stores, and then Nate’s and John’s teams had taken the items to the planet and started to set them up. Coughlin couldn’t do much off-world because he was on Major Zimmerman’s team, and none of them were at all confident that the fairly newly arrived XO would be at all supportive of their decision to engage in treasonous activities.Carter had been particularly difficult in these two weeks, bitchy to John, reminding him of her power over him, and repeatedly telling him that he was unlikely to see Evan again for a very long time. It was only the knowledge of the jumper that was taking shape in the underwater bay, and the hyperdrive module that McKay was rapidly assembling, that kept John from taking rash steps to silence her vindictiveness.But McKay and Zelenka had pulled several all-nighters, and so the jumper was ready, the hyperdrive installed with a mini-ZPM to power it, and a spare ZPM secured in a foam-filled container in the back, just in case. And McKay had gone above and beyond, liberating a Wraith dart storage module from the alien-tech storeroom, reverse engineering the Asgard beaming technology and amalgamating it with the storage technology from the Wraith device. He’d made John three hand-held modules with the beam-storage technology, providing them with an easy-to-use ‘in’ button, ‘out’ button and a needle-gauge like a fuel gauge that would show how full the module was. He’d also bolted the original Wraith dart storage module underneath the jumper’s front console, in case the situation on Earth had deteriorated to the point that John felt the need to beam up people – like Jeannie and her family. Given the rebellious thoughts of John’s co-conspirators, Rodney had decided that Planet Waterfall needed to be significantly better stocked than just a couple of tents and some MREs. This was the motivation for him creating the beaming-tech storage modules and he’d provided John with an extensive shopping list which included things as far ranging as Doritos and ammunition and glamping tent supplies, scientific equipment and medical supplies and gardening tools, and warm clothes and coffee plants. Rodney was still undecided on his position in relation to defecting or returning to Earth, but if there was to be any possibility of him joining John’s little band of merry men – and Teyla – then there had to be a guaranteed supply of coffee!Zelenka had been let in on the plan perforce – he of course knew that John would be travelling to Earth to collect Evan, and had been smug in the face of Rodney’s disbelief that Radek had already known of their relationship. But with the disclosure of the mini-ZPM to power the hyperdrive module – and Rodney including the original Wraith dart storage module in the jumper re-build – it had been impossible not to share with him all the details of their plan. And he’d agreed. Just like that. He was a first waver, he’d turned his back on Earth right from the start, and he didn’t like Carter’s current tack any more than Rodney did – and furthermore, despite his constant fear of going off-world for the occasional mission, his morals apparently came down firmly in the ‘I don’t want to abandon the people of Pegasus to the Wraith’ camp. He wasn’t sure that he’d actually join John as a member of his new community, but he certainly wasn’t going to get in the way of John’s plans.It'd made John wonder how many others of the first-wavers might be unhappy when the IOA finally pulled the plug on Pegasus, and how he could let them have a path to stay with him if they wanted to. He left that in Teyla’s hands, not having enough time, amidst his other duties, to deal with such things.It’d been Teyla who’d come up with a way to cover John’s absence from Atlantis. Even with the mini-ZPM powering the hyperdrive instead of a naquadah generator, Rodney estimated it would still take John five to six days to reach Earth. That was a lot better than the two to two-and-a-half weeks he’d originally estimated, but still a very uncomfortable length of time for John, because the moment Carter realised he’d gone AWOL, she could dial Earth and have Evan arrested.Teyla had therefore spoken to Colonel Carter of an eight-day-long festival her people held at this time of year to give thanks for the bounty of the past year, to grieve for those they had lost and to renew bonds with those who remained. She told Sam that her teammates were considered to be part of the Athosian community now, and it would give offence if they did not participate in this festival, and so Carter had grudgingly given permission for John and his team to go to New Athos for just over a week. And so, the moment was upon them, and John sat on his bed in his quarters, his team around him, and tried to calm his rapidly beating heart. Because this was it. In twenty minutes, his team would head for the jumper bay and go through to New Athos with Rodney at the controls, and John would head for the underwater bay and make a break for the stars and the beginnings of his long flight to Earth. Rodney had disabled the alert on the underwater bay, and their time of departure was deliberately chosen to be 0200hours, when pretty much everyone was asleep, because John hadn’t wanted any sharp-eyed Gateroom staff to notice he wasn’t at the controls as the jumper lowered into the Gateroom. It was all set, and there was no more time.Gazing at his team, one by one, meeting their eyes, John suddenly smiled. “You guys… you’re… you know you mean… you’re very… you’re my… family. Thank you.”And his team all stood and crowded around him, hugging him tightly, and he knew, he just knew, that this was going to work out.
***** *****

Five days later
John sat slumped in the front of the jumper, waiting out the last few minutes before he’d drop out of hyperspace. The journey had gone very smoothly so far, just as Rodney had predicted. No alarm had sounded as he’d opened the underwater bay doors, and he’d cloaked the jumper before flying out of the bay and up through the water, then lifted through the atmosphere until he was in space. McKay had tied the mini-ZPM’s power into the jumper itself, not just the hyperdrive, so it’d only taken him a couple of hours to get far enough away from Atlantis that he could launch the hyperspace window without triggering any alerts, and when he dropped out of hyperspace a short time later, the sight of the space gate smoothly orbiting M3Y-128 had brought a very real smile to his face.He’d tapped in the address for the planet McKay had chosen on the edge of the Pegasus galaxy, and a few seconds later he was light years away from Atlantis, and he’d grinned as he launched the hyperdrive for the long flight through the void between galaxies. Some of that journey he’d been awake for – and bored – and some he’d slept through. The past months of stress and anguish had left him emotionally exhausted, and the extra sleep had certainly helped to calm him down. He'd emerged from hyperspace just outside the atmosphere of the planet on the edge of the Milky Way that the SGC had used to convey the message to the Daedalus about the bomb the Trust had planted in Atlantis back in their second year. He flew down to the surface, dialled the gate for Abydos, and zipped through the event horizon and out the other side, before opening another hyperspace window and setting the autopilot again.He’d had another sleep, wanting to arrive on Earth in the best possible state of mind, not knowing what he might find. The dial-up from Earth would’ve happened the day after John had left, and a message from Evan would’ve come through, but John had no way of knowing what it said – and it’d been over a month since he’d last heard from him. Anything could’ve happened in a month! John gazed out the front of the jumper, watching the blue and white streaks leading him towards Earth, and felt a surge of hope mixed with a deep longing. Evan was just ahead of him, and John was going to get to see him. He was. And then the alert sounded, and a moment later, the jumper dropped out of hyperspace into space normal, and John was staring at the red surface of Mars. McKay had said he needed to exit hyperspace far enough away from Earth that they wouldn’t detect the energy signature, so he was facing a four-hour flight to reach Earth. Settling himself more comfortably in the pilot seat, John pulled the jumper’s nose around, setting course for where Evan was, hopefully, curled up in his bed.The flight from Mars was long, but not boring, as John had thoughts – both hopeful anticipation and worried panic – to keep him company, and it was fun flying past the moon. He was cloaked, so the jumper was undetectable to the SGC’s sensors, and he piloted his way down through the atmosphere and circumnavigated the globe until he was hovering over the apartment building where Evan had his flat. John had been toying with where he might park – it all depended on the conditions in and around Evan’s home. The roof was flat – and there was a door opening onto it as well, which suggested easy access into the building – but it also meant that anyone might come up there and bump against a cloaked alien spaceship. Gaining height again, John flew to the nearby woods instead, found an empty clearing far from any walk paths, and brought the jumper down smoothly, landing softly. It was already cloaked so there was nothing more he could do to protect it, they just had to trust to luck on no-one stumbling across it. John lowered the ramp and exited the jumper, locking it up tight and then started the slow and arduous process of working his way through the forest to a trail, and from there to the outskirts of Colorado Springs. It was roughly 0400hrs by the time he reached a sealed road, and John brought out the mobile phone he’d bought when he was last on Earth and opened google maps. He knew his ground navigation skills sucked, and he needed to be quick, to get off the streets before it started to get light and someone recognised him.Forty minutes later, he was standing inside Evan’s apartment. He’d kept the spare key he’d liberated from Evan’s locker that first day when he’d still expected to see Evan on his trip to Earth, and so it’d been easy to get in. He tip-toed towards the bedroom, aware that he needed to alert Evan to his presence before Evan sensed an intruder and reacted with deadly accuracy… but he just wanted to see him peacefully sleeping first.The bed was empty. John’s shoulders fell as frustration welled, and he moved silently around the small flat, checking that Evan wasn’t in the bathroom, or in the kitchen having an early morning snack. But no. Slumping down onto the sofa, John dropped his head into his hands. Bloody hell! Had Carter realised what was happening? Had she dialled Earth and enacted her revenge? Fuck! Exhaling sharply, John knew there was nothing he could do right now. The sun would be coming up within the hour and he couldn’t risk being seen out and about. The best thing to do would be to get some sleep, then start packing Evan’s gear for him – assuming he was just off-world at the moment, or delayed at the SGC overnight for some emergency. Right, okay. With a plan in mind, John stripped off and had a very welcome shower – five days alone in a jumper without any washing facilities, doing pushups and situps and so on to keep himself active, had not left him smelling particularly nice. Once he was clean, he found a pair of Evan’s boxers in the dresser and pulled on a spare t-shirt from Evan’s cupboard – a little small on him, but not too bad. And then he fell into the bed, wrapped himself in the scent of his absent lover, and drifted off to sleep.
***** *****
Evan hadn’t returned by the time dusk fell, and John had been awake for the past several hours, trying to decide the best course of action. There was no way for him to find out what was happening – his only option was to wait until Evan returned to the flat, assuming that nothing had happened to him that would prevent it.Fretting and worrying was starting to impinge on his sanity, so John eventually left Evan a coded note on the kitchen bench, knowing that he might not necessarily find it straight away if it was hidden, and then left the flat and made his way through the growing darkness back to the jumper. Lifting it up into the air, he headed for Maine. That was as far away from the SGC as he could reasonably get, whilst still being in the continental US, and he needed to start work on getting the supplies on Rodney’s list. He landed on the roof of a 24-hour Walmart around midnight, tied a rope around a stanchion on the roof, and shimmied down the side, entertaining himself with thoughts of Batman. Then he pulled out his shopping list and got to work. Rodney had given him a credit card for someone named Robert Ingrim, which was apparently an alter-ego of McKay’s, and, regardless of the weirdness of Rodney actually having a credit card in a name that legally wasn’t his, it meant that John could shop for everything he wanted without alerting the SGC to the fact that he was on Earth. It took him three hours to complete his purchases, and when John had eventually paid for everything, he got three of the store-employees to help him push the multiple trolleys of goods outside, where he said he was waiting for a friend to come pick him up with their truck. Waving goodbye to the helpful staff members, he glanced around. There was no-one in sight. It was still a couple of hours until dawn and it was very dark, so John pushed the trolleys one-by-one around the corner into the alley, then pulled the Wraith hand-held storage module out of his pocket and pointed it at the first trolley. A white beam flashed out and the trolley completely disappeared. Oops! John hadn’t meant to take the trolley too! He looked at the contents of all the other trolleys – there were so many items, and it would take forever if he had to unload everything. Grimacing with distaste at the prospect of effectively stealing from Walmart, John pointed the storage module at the remaining trolleys loaded high with all the gear he’d purchased and pressed the ‘in’ button. They were gone in a flash of light, and John glanced around again. No shouts of wonder, no screams of fear, and no-one in sight. Excellent.Moving further along the alleyway beside the building, he came to his dangling rope and shimmied up it, pulling himself onto the roof, and untying and coiling the rope. He boarded the jumper with a long sigh of achievement. He may not have found Evan yet, but he’d crossed nearly three-quarters of Rodney’s list off in that shopping trip.
***** *****
Two days later, John was starting to get very edgy. Well, not starting to, he was edgy. Evan still hadn’t returned to his flat. John had spent the daylight hours sleeping, and the night hours roaming around the planet buying up the remainder of the goods on McKay’s list – plus a few things that he’d thought of himself – and now it was all done, and he just needed bloody Evan to reappear!This was day eight, which meant there was only one more day before his team would return to Atlantis from New Athos – without him – and Carter would go off the deep end when she realised that he’d gone AWOL. He knew that Ronon would probably stun Carter before she was able to dial Earth and get Lorne arrested – or else Rodney would remove the dialling crystal and hide it, to stop her. His team had his back… but he hadn’t wanted it to come to that. He’d wanted them to be able to say that John had just been gone when they’d woken that morning, and they’d been unable to locate him anywhere. They’d tell Carter that one of the kids had seen him dialling the gate in the wee hours of the morning, and he was just… gone. Without implicating them in any way.Sighing, John settled himself – with what good grace he had left – to wait. There was nothing he could do but sit here and hope that Evan would eventually come home.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Evan had just finished showering off the after-effects of his off-world mission when an SF appeared in the doorway of the locker room and told him that General Landry was asking to see him.Acknowledging the order, he slowly towelled himself dry, pulled on a clean uniform and sat to don his socks and boots. His mood was very low. It’d been nearly six weeks since he’d returned through the gate to the SGC and discovered that he’d totally missed John’s unexpected visit. That two-week off-world mission to help train the newbies had been interesting and fun, and he’d left the mountain feeling more alive than he had in a while. He’d actually felt that he’d been useful for once. And then he’d found John’s letter… tucked into the top drawer beside his bed with the lube. It'd taken him two hours to decode it, and by the time he was done he was fucking ropeable. So fucking angry he was shaking with it. Because John had been here on Earth, and Carter and Landry had conspired between them to ensure that Evan wasn’t. John had been here, in Evan’s bed, and Evan had been off-world, ordered at the last minute to take the place of another officer who’d broken a leg, even though he hadn’t been cleared yet by the psych.Evan had cried himself to sleep that night, John’s shirts snuggled in his arms, his head buried in the armpit of the shirt John had been jogging in, inhaling the richness of his scent through all the long hours he’d been asleep, dreaming of his lover, of his beloved. When he’d woken the next morning, he’d spent an hour hunting his whole flat until he found the ‘gift’ John had left. It was a flash drive with video footage of John masturbating in Evan’s bed, describing what he wanted to be doing to Evan as his hand stroked his own cock, and his fingers played with his own nipples and slid inside his own ass. He’d used Evan’s favourite toy to get himself off, and when he’d come, it’d been Evan’s name on his lips.Going back into base that morning had been hard… very hard. Talking to Landry like nothing was wrong had been one of the most challenging conversations Evan had ever had. But Colonel Carter had ordered him to say nothing, to reveal nothing of the situation, and Evan wasn’t prepared to do anything that jeopardised John’s freedom – even if his inner rage at having been denied the chance to see the man he loved was burning incandescent. He'd sent John an email – the requisite one-hundred-and-fifty-words – and his personal message had been full of regret and heartbreak and love, but it hadn’t assuaged the pain in his heart. Time had marched onwards, lonely week following lonely week, and Evan had been on another last-minute off-world mission – this time to a planet ravaged by the Ori plague where every able-bodied person was needed (in full PPE) to help nurse the sick. The rest of his time had been spent doing light-switch duty for the geeks, and he was heartily sick of thinking ‘on’. But three days ago, he’d finally been cleared by the psych and had duly been signed back on to full combat status, including getting his flight status back. And that meant he’d been allowed to join SG-12 when one of their members went down with gastro an hour before they were due to gate out. The feeling of finally being back in the saddle was one that Evan had relished.That boost to his spirits was waning now though, the dull-grey walls of the SGC pressing in against him and no closer to ever seeing John, and Evan sighed dejectedly as he secured his laces down the sides of his boots. He slowly rose to his feet and hung his towel in his locker, bundling up his soiled off-world gear and dropping it in the washing basket on his way out the door. He knocked half-heartedly on General Landry’s door and was immediately requested to enter. The General was sitting at his desk and, as Evan walked in, he pushed the documents he was reading aside and reached to pick up another piece of paper, holding it in front of him as he lifted his eyes to Evan’s.Evan remained at attention since he hadn’t been invited to sit. Clearly this was bad, because General Landry was generally pretty easy going with Evan. Not so with others, but he liked – or had liked – Evan.“Major!” Landry said, his tone curt. “This report–” he waggled the sheet of paper, “is from your psychologist. Can you guess what it says?”“Ah, that I’ve been cleared for active duty and my flight status has been returned?” Evan said, his tone making it more of a question, because if that’s all it said, the General wouldn’t be behaving this way.“And?”Evan shrugged. “I’m not sure what else it would say, General.”Landry glowered. “It says that, in the opinion of Dr Hewson, you are not suffering from any marked degree of PTSD and never have been. This report says that you’ve endured multiple events that have caused significant psychological impact, but you have dealt with them all appropriately, seeking counselling and utilising other strategies to retain your mental stability and health.” The General leaned forward on his desk, his expression taut and threateningly. “This report says that whatever the reason for your abrupt expulsion from Atlantis, it had nothing whatsoever to do with a PTSD attack of such magnitude that it could possibly have impacted on your abilities to perform your duties.” He slammed the offending piece of paper down on the desk and pinned it there with one hand.Evan swallowed heavily. Fuck! He’d done his best to appear adversely affected in the counselling sessions, to describe, in detail, all the weird and insanely scary shit he’d had to deal with in Pegasus. But apparently it was harder to fake PTSD than he’d thought.“What is the exact reason that Colonel Carter shipped you back to Earth, Major?” Landry asked, his tone steely.Evan gazed at him. He’d received direct orders from Colonel Carter to never reveal the truth of the situation. Direct orders. But now a General was demanding– Just at that moment, the door pushed open without ceremony and General Jack O’Neill stuck his head inside. “Howdy folks,” he said cheerfully. “Am I interrupting?”“Get in here, Jack. You’ll probably be interested in this. Major Lorne here was just about to explain how it is that he was booted off Atlantis for suffering a catastrophic PTSD attack, when his SGC psychologist reports that he doesn’t display any evidence of PTSD at all.”Jack’s eyebrows rose at that, and he sidled into the room, closing the door, and bringing his attention to bear on Evan. “Interesting,” he said, and leaned against Landry’s desk. “So, Major?”Evan’s voice, when he finally responded, was a bit shaky. This had the potential to go very, very badly. “I was ordered not to say anything, and to never reveal the truth. That order came from a Colonel. But you’re both Generals, so… are you ordering me to contravene the orders I received and to tell you what actually happened?”“Yes,” both men answered together.“Wait,” Jack added. “Which Colonel? Carter or Sheppard?”“Colonel Carter, Sir. Colonel Carter ordered me to keep quiet.”Jack and Landry exchanged a glance and then Landry said, “I’m your Commanding Officer, Major Lorne, I outrank Colonel Carter, and I am ordering you to explain exactly what happened.”“Yes, Sir,” Evan said, his voice still shaking. Jack suddenly straightened up and pushed Evan towards a chair. “Sit, you’re as white as a sheet. We don’t need you collapsing. Just tell us what happened, Lorne.” He waited until Evan was sitting, then took the other visitor’s chair. “Take your time, and tell us how this happened.” Jack’s voice was conciliatory now, calming, supportive, and Evan drew a deep breath, settling himself.“I didn’t have a PTSD attack, and I didn’t fuck up the action against the invasion, Sirs.” It was very important to him that he set that record straight immediately, because he hadn’t done anything wrong on a professional front, and it had been rankling for months that his superior officers had been told he was a fuck-up. “Okay,” Jack said agreeably. “So what did you do?”Evan took a moment, getting up his courage and knowing that within hours, he and John would be in a jail cell awaiting trial. “I’d been off-world for two days on a mission that went badly. We were captured, I was tortured for information, it was… not too bad, they didn’t break any bones. But Colonel Sheppard found us and rescued us, and we made it back to Atlantis. I was in the infirmary for probably eight hours or so, and then Doctor Beckett released me to my room, saying I needed sleep more than anything. And I did… I was desperately tired. And so I slept. It was probably mid-afternoon when I fell asleep, and it was dark when I woke. Colonel Sheppard was leaning over me, talking into my ear, but I think… I think he’d already said something to me, wanting me to wake without making a noise. And I guess… I guess I said something, or did something, that clued Colonel Carter into the fact that John and I… That we… That…” Evan stopped, huffing out a shaky breath through pursed lips, tears springing to his eyes with the pressure of remembering all that had gone so horribly wrong that night.“Ohhh, you’ve gotta be kidding me!” Jack exclaimed, leaning back in his chair. “You and Sheppard had been breaking the frat regs – and the same-sex regs, too, of course.”Evan nodded, his jaw locked, eyes on the floor. “Yes, Sir,” he whispered.“Well, go on,” Landry said evenly. “I didn’t realise any of that at the time, Sirs, I… John was just leaning over me, talking into my ear, saying there was an invasion. And so I got up silently and dressed, and we went and we… dealt with it. It was hard fighting for a while, and there were casualties, but we successfully repelled the invasion, caught all the intruders and turned off their tech, and then I was just thinking that maybe some breakfast would be welcome, when Colonel Carter called us into her office – Colonel Sheppard and I.” Evan stopped again, taking a few shaky breaths, and a glass of water appeared under his nose. He reached and took it, sending a brief, flittering smile of thanks to General O’Neill as he gulped the water, steadying his nerves.Placing the empty glass down, he continued with his tale. “Colonel Carter was just staring at us both, and I had no idea what was going on. Then she asked, ‘How long?’, and John said, ‘Two years and four-and-a-half months,’ and I… I just knew. I realised straight away that I’d somehow inadvertently let the cat out of the bag.” Evan paused again, wiping clammy hands down his thighs. “She asked me to confirm it, and I did… down to the number of weeks and days, and then she… she said that Colonel Sheppard was too important to the expedition with the strength of his ATA gene, and she wasn’t going to have the mission fail because he’d… he’d been fucking me… ‘Sordid’ she called it. ‘Such a sordid reason.’” A single tear broke free and trickled down Evan’s face, and he sniffed, wiping it away. “She said that John had to stay in Atlantis, continue to do his job, and never let anyone realise that he’d lost me. And then she said that I was a nobody and didn’t count and I was going to be booted back to Earth the moment we’d finished talking, and she ordered me to submit to whatever psych testing the SGC required, and to accept whatever posting I was given – or if I was discharged to just accept that and not fight it, and she wrote up a report that said I’d fucked up, that I’d had a PTSD attack and got in the way of repelling the invaders, and then she ordered me to never reveal any of this, and she ordered me through the gate.” Evan slumped back into the chair, all the tension suddenly dropping from his body as he finished the tale. There was silence in the room for several long moments, then Evan spoke again, his voice soft. “She ordered me to have no contact with John, but John fought that. He asked to be assigned back to Earth, and she refused. She said that if he wouldn’t accept the deal she was offering, then we’d both go back to Earth to face court-martial for what we’d done. She was very, very angry that we’d acted on our feelings, because she hadn’t. And so I talked John into accepting the deal, and then John asked if we could please email each other, and she said that we could email once a month, and not more than a-hundred-and-fifty words, and never anything personal.” Evan slumped even further down, shaking slightly and feeling nauseous. “And you’ve obeyed all of those orders,” Landry said speculatively.“Yes, Sir. Well, actually, no. Not the ‘nothing personal’ order. John and I send each other one line, in code, in the middle of each email. So no, I didn’t obey that part of the orders. So there you go,” he said, sniffing and pulling himself defiantly upright. “You can nail me for being in a same-sex relationship, for fraternising with my superior officer for nearly two and a half years, and for disobeying a direct order. I guess that’ll probably get me another year or two on my jail sentence, and John’ll be freed before me… or maybe not, because he was the more highly ranked officer, so maybe he’ll get more years because of that. Colonel Carter called us ‘morally depraved,’ and she sent John out of the room while she asked me if he’d used his rank to coerce me into having sex with him.” Evan’s jaw clenched shut at the memory. “He didn’t, he would never have done such a thing. He didn’t even start this. It was me, it was all me. I wanted him, and I couldn’t handle it after the Wraith drained him, and I was the one that started it, I was the one that went to him, and he told me no, he said we couldn’t, he said it was too dangerous, he said it was wrong, and it would hurt Atlantis and hurt the Expedition, and I didn’t care! I didn’t care because I love him, and we kept almost dying, one or other of us, constantly in danger and any moment could’ve been our last and I just fucking wanted him, wanted to hold him and hug him and kiss him and be with him and sleep with him warm against me, where I could feel his heartbeat and know that he was alive and okay and not dead! And I don’t care what the fuck you do with me now. Because living like this, with John in another galaxy, and not even allowed to talk to him properly or send him video messages, or see his face, is fucking horrific. And he came to Earth, he was here and I was sent off-world, for the first time in all the months I’ve been here, and don’t you try and tell me that wasn’t Carter making sure that I didn’t even get to fucking see him. And he stayed at my place, but I wasn’t there. And this is tearing him apart! He left me a letter, and he’s so close to the fucking edge! And I hate it! I hate everything about this situation, and I’d fucking rather we were both in jail. At least we might get to see each other occasionally, or call out to each other from our cells.” The tears were flowing freely now and Evan was beyond caring. He curled forward in his chair, cradling his head in his hands, and just let the tears come. He could vaguely hear voices in the background, O’Neill and Landry talking, but he ignored them both, too busy wallowing in the pain.Eventually, an untold amount of time later, Evan felt a hand on his shoulder. “Buck up, son. Pull yourself together.” It was Landry, and his voice was kindly, not scathing, so Evan tried to pull himself together, taking great sobbing breaths, and wiping the cascading tears from his cheeks. Finally, he straightened up, the tears still trickling, but feeling at least a little under control.Landry held out a laptop, one of John’s emails open on the screen. “Read me what the coded section says.”Evan nodded slowly. Glancing quickly at the email, he could see it was the first one John had sent him. He pushed the laptop aside. “It says, ‘I love you. I fucking love you and I miss you so freaking much. Did we do the right thing? I feel as if I’ve hung you out to dry.’” Evan recited it all from memory, not needing to sit and decode it again, not needing to see the coded words to remember the message. Every message John had sent him was emblazoned on his heart.Landry nodded and flicked to the next email, and the next, and the next. Evan recited all the encoded messages John had sent him, messages of love, of sorrow, of loneliness. Then Landry made him read his own messages to John, and these, too, were memorised. To send a message of love in as few characters as possible meant spending hours deciding on the exact wording, and then slowly coding the letters. It was easy to recall the words he’d sent to John, sharing his own feelings of love and isolation, of misery and of hope.When they were done, Landry returned to his own side of the desk. “You said Colonel Sheppard had stayed at your place while you were off-world, and that he’d left you a letter. Where is that letter?”Evan slowly unbuttoned his top pocket and pulled out a folded sheet of paper, covered in nonsensical words. He handed it to Landry, aware that O’Neill was still sitting in the chair beside him.Landry looked the paper over, both sides, then handed it to Jack. “To save us having to crack that code, how about you just tell us what it says.”“You won’t crack the code,” Evan said softly. “That was the whole point.”“What does ‘52’ mean?” Jack asked, pointing at the number that started the entire missive. “And here, half-way down the first page, ‘74’, and then this ‘103’ towards the end?” “It’s the key to unlocking the message,” Evan said. “It tells me how to decode it.”“Have you got this one memorised as well?” Jack asked, handing the paper back to Evan.“Of course,” he said softly as he carefully refolded the letter and slid it back inside his shirt pocket where it rested against his heart. “John wrote it. I’m never going to forget a single word of this letter.”“Okaaay,” Jack said. “Can you please share it, Major.” He saw Evan hesitate and added, “I can make it an order if that’s easier for you.”Evan nodded slowly. He knew he and John were both doomed anyway, letting these men know how close to the edge John was probably wasn’t going to add anything to the mess they were in. “Okay,” he agreed. And then, closing his eyes and imagining John sitting alone at the dining table in the flat, spilling his bleeding heart out onto the page, Evan recited the message John had left him.“Evan, God! You have no fucking idea how badly I was banking on seeing you, hearing you, smelling you, touching you. And then I found out that you’d been sent off-world for the entire time I was here on Earth. This is fucking Carter’s doing. She told me straight out she doesn’t trust me at all, and she doesn’t think I’ve suffered enough for what we did, and she had a smirk a mile wide on her face when I went through the gate, so I know she’s organised this so that we wouldn’t get to see each other. Bitch! She’s been a nightmare to work for – all supportive professional courtesy in public, and snide offensive barbs in private. I’m this close, Evan, this fucking close… If I knew I could do something without the backlash hitting you, I fucking would. I can’t believe she’d go this far to punish us, just because she never acted on what she was feeling. She’s still so incredibly angry and bitter that we just went ahead and let ourselves love when she didn’t. And how could we have done anything else? We almost die every fucking day! I don’t think she gets it. She sits in her office, and she administers the city, but she’s not out on the front lines, fighting the Wraith. She sees the dried-out husks of my men when we drag their corpses back through the gate, but it doesn’t seem to touch her. She recites the words of the funeral services, but it’s me that stands there and gives the eulogies for these guys who died fighting on the front lines against space vampires who suck your very soul. I’ve lost so many men, Ev, and you’re not here to hold me while I weep. You’re not here to stroke my hair and whisper that you love me and tell me that I’ve done everything I could to keep them alive. The SGC sent me two young Corporals, barely twenty, Ev, and I sent them on a milk run with Stackhouse’s team, but the settlement was hit and they freaked out when the Wraith materialised in front of them. Nate said he tried, he tried to get to them, he ordered them to run, and they didn’t, they just stood there, rooted to the spot, and the Wraith were sucking them dry while Nate and his men flooded them with bullets, but of course the bullets did fucking nothing because they were feeding straight off my men to heal themselves. Nate was damn lucky to get his team out with no further casualties. The village was decimated. We’ve moved the few survivors in with Teyla’s people. Hopefully they’ll recover in time. Carter just nodded when Nate came back with the bodies. Just nodded, turned to me and said, ‘Funeral service in two days, Colonel, arrange it,’ and went back into her office as if nothing had happened. Nate’s pushing close to the edge too, so’s Coughlin. Elizabeth cared, you know? She cared. She would’ve been down there, touching Nate and his men, giving them words of comfort and support, she would’ve followed them to the infirmary and sat there waiting to hear they were all okay. Carter doesn’t do that. I don’t think she cares about any of us. I think she did, until she found out about you and me, and now she doesn’t care what happens, just that the science guys keep finding things she can send back to Earth so she looks good. I wish they’d recall her and replace her. Even if they sent another civilian, it’d actually be better than this. I don’t know how much longer I can handle this Ev. I put in my papers to retire – I’ve done my twenty, but Carter just ripped them in half and said, “No way. You’re not going anywhere but a jail cell.” I think I’d rather we’d picked the court-martial option, except that ends up with you in prison and you’ve been in enough hell-holes here in Pegasus that I can’t handle the thought of you in another one, just for loving me. How can love be wrong? Teyla’s been being ultra-supportive and caring, even though I’ve been following Carter’s orders to the letter – and when I get no sleep for five nights running because I just lie there crying because you’re not with me, and I look like utter shit – Carter gives me this look that says I’m not holding up my end of the bargain. I need to make sure no-one ever knows that I’m grieving for you, Evan, and that’s so fucking hard. I think it’d be easier if you actually had died, here, in Pegasus, on a mission. At least then I wouldn’t have Carter watching my every move, just waiting for me to find another tasty morsel to sink my dick into. I’m not going to. You know that. I don’t want anyone but you. I’ll be celibate forever if I never see you again. Alone and celibate. But hey! On that note, I left you a present. I’ve hidden it really well, because if anyone found it we’d be in jail within minutes. And if someone does find it, you’ll need to say it’s a gag gift, and you switched it off after two seconds, the moment you realised what it was. Anyway, back to life in Pegasus… pretty sure Teyla knows, or has guessed in her freakily prescient manner. She comes to my office and reads me every email you send her. And I think others know too… I walk through the labs or the mess and I hear people talking loudly about the stories you’ve emailed them, and it’s nothing much – just that you’d activated three ancient devices, or that you went out to dinner with SG-1. Tell me C–” Evan broke off suddenly, and then resumed, “Tell me that guy who hit on you hasn’t tried again. Although, Ev… I said it when you left. I’ve at least got Teyla and Ronon and Rodney and Carson and all my guys here for support, but you’ve got no-one. I know you said you’ve got your sister and nephews, and you’ve got friends, and that Landry’s been really kind and supportive and everything, but Ev… if you need more, if you need someone to come home to, to hold you in the night, to wipe away your tears… then please. I’ll totally understand if you start seeing someone. And I want you to. I don’t want you to be alone and lonely. I want you to be as happy as you can be, and if that means letting someone else into your life then… God, Evan. I love you so much. I’m sorry, because here I am trying to set you free, and I fucking can’t. I can’t handle this Ev. I’m so close to not boarding the Daedalus, just so I can stay here and see you. But that won’t work. We can’t hide anywhere on Earth. So… I’ve got an idea Ev. I’ve got a plan, and I just need to get back to Pegasus to make it work. I promise this won’t be forever. So don’t get dead. Ronon’s watching over me like a mother hen with one chick, so I can give you the same assurance that I’m not going to get dead. Ronon won’t let me. He’s already thwarted a couple of rather foolhardy plans I suggested in the field, not long after Carter exiled you, when the world was so fucking bleak I wasn’t caring what happened to me. I think he knows too… or Teyla told him. Either way, my team are watching out for me, and I’m not going to leave you there alone Ev. Just hang on, keep doing everything you’re told to do, and it won’t be forever. Try not to fuck–” Evan stumbled a little,
“um, that guy that hit on you when you’d only been there a week. I don’t want to imagine you with him. Pick someone else, but remember that you’re mine! Sex is fine, but don’t fall in love with him, because that part of you is mine, Ev. Hey, I’m taking your spare key because I want to feel like your home is mine too, you’ll need to get another one cut. And I’m taking your pillow because it smells of you. I’d say sorry, but I’m not. You’ve got the pillow I’ve been sleeping on all week, and I’ve left you the shirts I wore – even the one I wore out running. I will say sorry for that, because it fucking stinks! But I wanted your scent, so incredibly badly, that I figured you might be feeling the same. I love you Evan. I love you so fucking much. If I don’t get to see you soon, I know I’m going to go off the deep end. So here’s my promise to you… I will get to see you soon. I’m going to make sure of that. I have to encode this now. The Daedalus is due to beam me out in about three hours, and I figure it’s going to take me that long to code it. So… I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t get to see you. I love you forever. I mean that. FOREVER. You’re it for me Evan, and I promise that we’ll be together soon. Just as soon as I can manage it. It’s not up to me, actually. I need help for this plan, but I know it won’t take too long, because I’ve got my own personal genius. I LOVE YOU, stay safe for me Evan, John.”
There was silence in the room when Evan finished his recitation. He knew he’d just dropped John right into the proverbial shit-heap by sharing his anger with Colonel Carter, his internal angst, and whatever it was he and Rodney were going to do to save Evan from this life he was leading. But he’d been ordered, and if nothing else, he’d get to see John at their trial. See his beautiful face, his hair, his hands…Landry’s voice broke the silence and Evan jerked a little. “Is Colonel Sheppard prone to exaggerating situations when he’s speaking just to you, in a personal sense?”Evan shook his head. “No. He’s usually pretty tight lipped, no matter what’s happened. He just says he’s ‘fine’ and I have to dig the truth out of him. Even… even when he loses people on missions, he still doesn’t really say anything, he just curls up around me and clings, and I hold him while he grieves.”The two Generals exchanged a look. Jack’s concern was rising, and rising quickly. The conditions that Sheppard had described were not good at all.“Were you aware of Carter’s subterfuge, Jack?” Landry asked, his eyebrows raised. He was aware of their relationship, and how close the bond of trust was between them.Jack shook his head. “No. I know she’s not happy in the posting. She feels isolated from her friends and family here on Earth, and she hasn’t been able to become part of the community there, as she’d hoped. But she hasn’t said much in the past few months. I just assumed she was starting to fit in a bit better when she stopped mentioning it. There was nothing to suggest that it’s as bad as Sheppard’s letter makes it seem.”Landry nodded slowly. “The Atlantis AARs have been concerning me for some time,” he said a little ponderously, as if he were thinking as he spoke. “There’s nothing overt, just the tone of the reports have changed and I’ve had an unsettling feeling in my gut as I read them.” He turned to Jack. “Have you noticed anything? I know you read them too.”“I did notice a downturn in morale, around the time that Lorne returned to Earth, but that made sense. Losing one of the command staff in such circumstances was bound to have a negative effect. Especially given that Lorne was reported to have fucked up a military response to a dangerous situation, and then fled the scary alien city to return to the safety of Earth. That was always going to have an impact on those who remained.”Evan flinched at that description and lifted his eyes to O’Neill. “I didn’t fuck up the military response, Sir, and I didn’t flee the scary alien city. I would never have left if Colonel Carter hadn’t ordered me to.”Jack nodded, a little apologetically. “Yeah, I can see that. But we only know that now. I’ve been watching this play out for months, and I assume that you and Carter and Sheppard are the only ones that know the truth? Oh, and maybe Teyla and Ronon from that letter Sheppard left you.”Evan nodded disconsolately, disturbed to think that the manner of his leaving had unsettled the residents of Atlantis, had left them feeling unsafe, unable to rely on the military to protect them.“What did Carter order Sheppard to do? I know she ordered you to say nothing, to accept whatever we did, to tell us that bullshit about the PTSD, and to only write this one email a month. But what was Sheppard’s side of the bargain?”“Stay in charge, never let anyone know that he was missing me, be a light switch, keep his head down, say nothing.”“What’s Sheppard’s plan, Major?” Landry asked.Evan shook his head. “I have no idea, Sir. He didn’t say, and I don’t know what he’s come up with.” O’Neill and Landry exchanged a troubled glance.“All right,” Jack said. “Look, you already know that you and Sheppard did the wrong thing, broke the rules, yada yada yada, so I’m not gonna yell at you about that. Carter’s actions are pretty questionable, and you’ve both had to deal with a whole lot of shit that had nothing to do with punishing you for what you’d actually done wrong. Right now, General Landry and I have some thinking to do, and some decisions to make. I don’t want to toss you in the Brig here until we’ve decided on our course of action. So here’s what’s going to happen… I’m going to release you for now, send you home. You look like shit. Go get some sleep, and present back here to the mountain at 0700hrs tomorrow morning. We’ll know what course of action we’re going to follow by then.” Jack caught Evan’s gaze and held it. “We’re trusting you, Lorne. We’re trusting you not to run. You’re clearly good at following orders, and you’re a damn fine officer – your self-confessed fraternisation notwithstanding. And you’re smart enough to realise that if you do run, it’s going to go much harder on you – and on Sheppard. So head home now, and be back here at 0700hrs tomorrow. That’s an order, Major. Kapeesh?”Evan nodded, feeling rather bemused that the MPs weren’t already handcuffing him. The shock of the last couple of hours was riding him hard now, and he got shakily to his feet. “Yes, Sir. I understand that I’m to go home and calm myself down, and then be back here at 0700hrs tomorrow, when you’ll give me your verdict on my actions. And John’s.”Landry nodded kindly as he said, “Dismissed, Major,” and Evan turned and walked out of the room.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Evan walked away from General Landry’s office, shaking slightly and feeling rather like a newly shriven penitent. He was just trying to pull his mind together enough to find his way to the surface and the safety of home, when SG-1 came around the corner and saw him.“Hey, Lorne!” Cam called out, grinning at him. “I heard you guys were back. Good mission?”Evan nodded slowly, willing himself to react normally. “Yes, Sir. It went really well.”“I guess it must’ve been nice to be back in the saddle,” Daniel said, “get back out there and be part of what’s going on.”Evan nodded again as Vala snuggled up against him. “Let’s all go back to your place and get takeaway and watch movies and cuddle,” she suggested lasciviously, and Cam quickly agreed. Even Daniel was nodding, so Evan said, “Yeah, sure, sounds good.” All he wanted was to be alone, but to say so would only raise eyebrows, and he wasn’t ready to talk about any of this – wasn’t even sure if he was allowed to talk about any of this.His spirits were so low and had taken such a pummelling, he was a little worried for his sanity actually, and feared that he might break John’s heart by doing something fatally selfish. So he smiled weakly and nodded, and let Vala, Cam and Daniel manhandle him into the elevator and out to the car lot, where they all piled into Cam’s Romero as he headed for Evan’s place.It wasn’t the first time Evan had entertained at his flat – and these three people had befriended him during the long months he’d been living back here on Earth. Vala was always draping herself over him and Evan was embarrassed to admit that he liked the touching, because his world had suddenly gone from being full of John to being bereft of any personal touch. And he knew Vala didn’t intend to take things any further. Daniel of course was just as he appeared, friendly and interested in everything. And Cam… well.Evan had only mentioned the first time that Cam had given him the come-on. Not wanting to upset his absent lover – or to waste his few personal words in their monthly emails – Evan hadn’t told John that Cam had tried it on several times over the months since Evan had been sent back to Earth. That first time, when Evan had said no, Cam had seemed to accept it, but in truth, he’d just bided his time, and whenever he could manufacture a way to be alone with Evan he did, and then he’d try again to get him into bed. It was challenging and uncomfortable, and Evan didn’t know what to do about it. Cam was a higher rank than him – two ranks higher in fact, being a full Colonel, and although he never used his rank as a reason, or tried to order Evan at all, Evan still felt awkward turning him down. Memories of Colonel Carter asking Evan if John had coerced him into bed, or if Evan had felt he couldn’t say no because John was his superior officer, often intruded when Cam was nearby, and Evan understood exactly what she’d been getting at. If Cam had been his CO, Evan might well have felt compelled to give in. But as it stood, he just kept saying no, and trying not to be alone with him. When others were about, Cam was actually good company, it was just when everyone else left…Sighing to himself, Evan watched the streets flitting past and listened to Daniel placing the pizza order over the phone, Vala interpolating various useless suggestions as he did so. And then they were there, and Evan led the way up to his flat, unlocking the door with Vala’s arms around his waist, and inviting them all in. “Sorry,” he said as he came through the door. “I’m not sure I’ve got anything much to drink. I was supposed to do the grocery shopping the day I was sent off-world.”“Doesn’t matter,” Cam said. “We can get someone to deliver. What’s everyone want?”Vala and Daniel put in their requests, but Evan demurred, saying he’d just stick with water. He wasn’t in the mood to get drunk, still feeling shell-shocked from the meeting with Landry and O’Neill. Cam tried to talk him into some beers at least, but Evan held firm, knowing the other man just wanted him to be tipsy and so an easier target, and eventually Cam gave up and rang the local liquor shop to place the order.The pizzas arrived at that moment, and everyone settled down in front of the TV, eating and talking, fighting over what to watch – Vala wanted a romcom, Daniel wanted something with at least a bit of science while Cam was arguing for an action movie with lots of explosions. Evan stayed quiet, his mind a million miles – or actually, three million light years – away, in Pegasus, wondering how John was doing, and wondering how the revelations he'd made to the two Generals were going to impact on John’s future freedom. He felt his shoulders slump as the three SG-1 team members finally agreed on Terminator.“This okay with you?” Cam asked, holding up the DVD box.“Yeah, sure, whatever,” Evan said, and flinched as three sets of eyes settled on him.“What’s up with you?” Cam asked, as he inserted the disk into the player. “I thought you’d be feeling relaxed and happy to have been cleared by the psych and back on an off-world team, but you’re acting all mopey.”Daniel frowned at that remark. He was sitting next to Evan on the sofa, so turned a little further towards him. “Is something bothering you, Evan? You can tell us, we’re all friends here.”Evan shook his head. “It’s nothing. Let’s watch.” He determinedly reached out for the remote and pressed play, ignoring the looks the other three were sending him. Relaxing back into the sofa, Daniel on one side, Vala curling up against him on the other, Evan tried to keep his mind on the movie, but all he could think of was John. John and his devil-may-care attitude, John and the implicit trust he had in Evan’s abilities, John and the passionate lovemaking he so enjoyed lavishing on Evan, John and the support he offered that helped Evan hold it together no matter what shit came his way. It'd been so incredibly isolating to be in another galaxy, completely shut-off from the man he loved.But tomorrow… would O’Neill recall John to Earth? Would Evan get to see him, at least, before they ended up in court? How long did it even take to convene a court-martial? Would they share a cell in Leavenworth? Probably not. Why punish them for fraternising and then give them the chance to continue the relationship? But at least they’d be in the same jail… maybe they’d be able to spend time together in the courtyard during the daily exercise hour. Or have meals together, talk to one another, lay eyes on one another. Fuck! Evan slumped further into the sofa, his arm curled around Vala’s shoulders, desperately needing some physical contact to ground him.And so the movie spooled out on the screen… and Evan’s mind whirled in ever increasing cycles of despondency – tinged with occasional spikes of bitter relief that the subterfuge was nearly over. 
***** *****
John had been sitting on the sofa in the growing darkness, wondering where the fuck Evan could possibly be, when he’d heard voices on the landing outside the door. His thoughts had been swirling in chaos for the past several hours because it was now nine days since he’d left Pegasus to rescue Evan, and his team would be returning to Atlantis within the next few hours – arriving there without him – and then the game would be well and truly up! His mind had been gnawing desperately at the problem, knowing there was nothing he could do to save Evan if Evan wouldn’t come home.And then the sound of voices had pierced his tense and unhappy introspection…One voice was Evan’s and John’s heart leapt with wild joy – but then he heard a woman’s voice, and a different male voice answering, and within seconds he’d launched himself off the sofa and run for the bedroom, pushing the door almost closed.Through the gap, he watched as Evan – Evan – walked into the flat, with Vala attached to his side, followed closely by Colonel Cameron Mitchell, and Doctor Daniel Jackson.His heart in his mouth, John tried to think what to do. He didn’t think he’d left any trace of his presence in the house out there. The duffle bags full of Evan’s gear that he’d packed in anticipation of departure were sitting at the end of Evan’s bed – but he’d left it for Evan to decide which movies to bring from his collection, and which of the paintings on the walls he wanted to transport to another galaxy. So there shouldn’t be any reason for Evan to realise John was here, in his apartment. Which was a good thing, because revealing John’s presence now would blow the whole plan out of the water. There was no way SG-1 wouldn’t report John for being illegally on Earth, and before he knew it, MPs would be pounding on the door to arrest him for going AWOL.But it was excruciatingly hard to hold himself back in that moment of seeing Evan coming through the door. It'd been nearly six months since he’d last laid eyes on this man that he loved, and it was far too long apart. John was never doing that again. His body quivering with suppressed emotion, John let his eyes feast on his beloved as Evan flopped onto the sofa with Vala still attached to his side. Cam was talking about getting someone to deliver some alcohol and Evan was declining – he actually looked really upset and subdued to John’s eyes, as if he was fretting about something, stressed out, even a bit overwhelmed, but hiding it. John’s concern started to rise. He wanted SG-1 to get the hell out of the apartment so John could come out of hiding and draw Evan into a long, long, hug – embrace the fuck out of him, until Evan sank against John’s chest and just let all of that tension go.John gazed in concern, wondering what had happened to cause Evan to look that way… almost shell-shocked. He was certainly paler than he should be, but he was putting forward a decent facsimile of himself. None of his companions seemed to have noticed anything wrong. And then Cam walked across the room in the direction of the bedroom, and John skittered silently backwards, opening the empty walk-in-wardrobe and going to ground inside.Luckily the footsteps stopped shy of the bedroom, and John could hear the muffled sounds of Cam ordering the alcohol, so he pushed the wardrobe door open a tiny bit until he could hear what was happening.The pizza arrived then, and the aroma wafted into John’s hiding spot, making his stomach gurgle uncomfortably, and there was an argument going on about which movie to watch. Eventually they picked Terminator, and John resigned himself to a long wait until they all fucked off and left him and Evan alone.Creeping out of the wardrobe, John returned to his watch-spot behind the bedroom door, his eyes glued to Evan – who was so deeply introspective that John doubted he was actually following the movie at all. Cam was sitting in the lounge chair to the side, but his eyes were flickering from the TV to Evan and back again constantly, and the expression on his face had all of John’s hackles rising. That Mitchell wanted Evan was clear as day, and John started to worry that maybe Evan had given in to Cam’s desires, and John was going to have to hide in the wardrobe and listen while the man he loved fucked a different flyboy.Shaking his head, John retreated to his hiding spot to wait for the movie to end, knowing that his jealousy was likely to make him do something unacceptably rash if he stood there watching Colonel Cameron Mitchell lusting over Evan for much longer. Getting himself comfortable on the floor, John reassured himself that, within hours, he would be leaving Earth with Evan at his side, and that’s all that mattered. 
***** *****
Jack had watched Major Lorne leaving General Landry’s office with a concerned eye. As the door closed behind him, he swung around to face the head of the SGC. “I’m a bit worried about that man’s mental state.”“Yes, me too,” Hank responded. “And Colonel Sheppard’s,” he added a little reluctantly.“Hmm. And Carter’s, too. It doesn’t seem like any of them have come out of this well.” Jack leaned back in his chair, staring up at the roof. “I can’t think why Sam would’ve done this.” He tilted his head forward, catching Landry’s eye. “Did she really have a hand in Lorne being off-world when Sheppard was recalled to talk to the IOA?”Landry nodded. “I received an email from Colonel Carter, two days before Sheppard came through, suggesting that Lorne’s mental health and recovery would best be served by not encountering his old CO and having all his memories of the dangers of Pegasus brought back to the forefront of his mind. It actually made sense, the way she put it. The email sounded concerned for Lorne’s wellbeing… but I remember thinking that Carter knew more than she was saying. At the time, I assumed that there’d been some problem between Lorne and Sheppard – maybe that Sheppard had been angry over the PTSD and the fact that Lorne had interfered with the response to the invasion. That’s how I read it. I was going to talk to the psych about it, because Lorne was still on reduced duties, but then Simpson broke his leg and there was a spot for an instructor on the two-week newbie course, and it seemed like perfect timing really. A soft off-world mission, no danger, just teaching which is pretty easy for a Major. So I assigned Lorne to the mission and he went off happily to do something useful.” Landry shook his head. “I don’t like being manipulated, Jack. Regardless of this fraternisation thing – and the breaching of DADT – Lorne’s always been an exemplary officer and I’ve had a lot of time for him. I don’t like thinking that I’ve had a part in Carter’s plan to screw them both over. Why the hell did she do it? Why didn’t she just have them charged for their crimes? Why keep Sheppard there, in his role, when he’d broken one of the military’s most important directives? Why send Lorne here under false pretences? The US Air Force has been paying a Major’s wages for months to a man that we thought we’d broken, but in fact, he was being severely underutilised because there was nothing wrong with him!” Landry’s face was red with frustration and Jack nodded his agreement.“Yeah, it doesn’t make any sense.” He eyeballed Landry. “One of us needs to go to Atlantis, Hank, and I think it should be me.”“You’re in a relationship with Carter, Jack. I don’t think this can be you.”“I can keep my professional and personal relationships pretty distanced. And I have a feeling there’s more going wrong with Carter than I’ve realised. Having someone she trusts there might actually help. I wasn’t lying when I said she was feeling isolated and alone, away from her friends and family here on Earth.”Landry nodded slowly. “So what’s your plan?”Jack glanced at his watch and made a quick calculation. “It’s 0500hrs in Atlantis right now, so there’s no point hurrying. Let me get some sleep, and I’ll go through in around six hours.” He paused for a moment. “I can at least talk to Carter and Sheppard – and find out what Sheppard’s plan to rescue Lorne is. Anything that involves Dr McKay has me a little worried.”“Are we going to have them jailed, Jack?”Jack shrugged, sighing deeply. “If Carter had acted properly, then yes, it would’ve played out that way, and there’d be damn all I could’ve done about it – or would’ve wanted to do in those circumstances. But the way Carter’s handled it, they’ve been punished already, and if they talk to the media about what was done to them, the President’s not going to like the backlash.” He sighed again, reflecting for a moment on Carter’s actions, and on Sheppard. “You know as well as I do, Hank, Sheppard’s a damn fine fit for Atlantis. I know you don’t like him, I know you’ve had issues with him disobeying your orders, but Pegasus doesn’t work the same way as Earth does – or even the way the Milky Way does. Sheppard’s unique out-of-the-box thinking is exactly what that posting needs. Given what’s happened, I’d like to think that we can reprimand him in some other way, but still keep him in that role. Probably bust him back to Major for contravening regulations. He led the military contingent as a Major for a full year and did a damn fine job. If we drop him back to Major and bust Lorne down to Captain, and keep them in different galaxies but let them communicate as they will… There’d be no chain of command issues if Lorne is here. I personally don’t care about DADT – it’s stupid to have it within the SGC to begin with, considering all the cultures we butt up against off-world, and it’s even more ridiculous to have it in Atlantis, where the American military are the only ones impacted by it. So if we just drop them both down a rank and keep them in their current postings… what do you think of that?”Landry nodded half-heartedly, clearly struggling with the decision. “Hmm. I don’t like it, Jack. Sheppard is in no way a model officer in my book, but I know you have a lot of respect for him. If you’d just told me about the fraternisation, I’d have reacted much more harshly and been happy to see them both jailed for it, but listening to Major Lorne reciting the letter Sheppard left? There’s no doubt in my mind that they love each other. It’s not just Sheppard wanting someone to let off steam with and choosing someone he could order to silence. I think they’ve got a really strong bond. And they were together for over two years, with nothing inappropriate showing in the AARs at all.” He pursed his lips in consideration. “They’ve been mistreated over this matter – badly, and I’ve been implicated in that mistreatment. So yes, I'll agree to your terms.” He paused and gazed consideringly at O’Neill. “What about Carter?”Jack sighed, long and slow. “Well, that’s a whole other kettle of fish. Speak of conduct unbecoming… Let me go through to Atlantis, talk to the people on the ground, see how the land lies, and then we can decide. But she’s made some pretty poor decisions, and obviously she won’t be remaining in command of Atlantis – or of Sheppard.”Landry grimaced. “Are you sure you’re up to this, Jack? It’s not going to be comfortable, dressing down the woman you’re in love with.”Jack eyed him sardonically. “Don’t know me as well as you think, huh? I’m military, first and foremost, Hank. I’m a Major General, and Colonel Carter has made some very questionable decisions. I won’t have any difficulty doing what needs to be done.” He pushed himself to standing. “I’ll gate out in six hours.”Landry smiled tiredly. “Okay. Thanks Jack. Your visit here was well timed.”Jack smirked. “Almost as if some higher power was at work, huh?” He slid out of the room and disappeared, and Landry sighed. This was going to be one hell of a tangle to unknot. 
***** *****
The movie finally drew to a close and Daniel stood and took the empty drinks into the kitchen as Vala uncurled from Evan’s side and followed him with the pizza boxes. Evan stayed slumped on the sofa, sunk in dejection, and Cam didn’t move either, neither of them speaking.Daniel and Vala reappeared, and Evan pushed himself up to his feet. “I’ve got an early morning,” he said, “we probably need to call it a night, guys.”“Sure,” Daniel responded. He glanced casually over at Cam. “I’ll walk home from here, Mitchell.”Vala instantly attached herself to him. “Ooh, I love a nice walk in the night air. I’ll come with you,” she said, and, after a brief glance at Mitchell who was slowly getting himself out of his seat, Evan accompanied Daniel and Vala to the door and bade them goodnight. He left the door open, standing there, waiting for Cam to leave, but when Cam finally sauntered across, he took the door out of Evan’s hands and closed it.Evan’s stomach clenched, suddenly aware that Cam had him right where he wanted him… and a whole, uninterrupted night ahead of them.John, who had emerged from his wardrobe sanctuary when he heard the end credits rolling on the movie, felt despair take hold. Cam was clearly planning to stay, and Evan was going to let him. He was going to let Cam stay here, in Evan’s bed, making love to one another, while Evan thought John was in another galaxy. He closed his eyes, unable to watch…Cam lifted his hand up and brushed it over Evan’s cheek, but Evan turned his head sharply to the side, away from Cam’s touch. Not deterred, Cam spoke softly. “It’s just us now, Evan. Just you and me. And you’ve been sad and distracted all evening. Let me help take you out of yourself for a while.” He stepped right in close to Evan’s body, tracing his fingers over Evan’s lips.But Evan put his hands on Cam’s hips and shoved, creating a space between them. “No, Mitchell. I’ve told you half a dozen times already. I’m not interested.”Cam sighed, not moving any further away. “Come on, Evan. You’re all alone, and whoever he is – this guy that you’re in love with – he’s not here and it’s not worth putting yourself through this much pain. I just want to give you some pleasure. Is that so wrong? You’re sad, and I want to see you smile. Whatever’s been troubling you all evening will look a lot better once you’re floating in a sea of bliss. Let me make you feel good… I can, Evan, I’m pretty skilled at bringing guys off. Let me touch you…”John, still hiding in the bedroom, was feeling a mixture of anger and despair. Cam was pushing hard to get Evan into bed, and he was sure Evan was going to cave… he was so obviously alone and lonely and troubled, and what Cam was offering would give him some respite from his worries… John’s jaw was tightly clenched from the sheer willpower he was using not to launch himself across the room, deck Mitchell and steal Evan away from him. He drew another deep, shaky breath, and reminded himself that he couldn’t reveal himself, or they really would have to knock Cam unconscious…Evan’s voice was shaking as he responded to Cam’s offer. “You’re not the guy I want to be touching me, Mitchell. I don’t want your hands on me. I just want… him. I love him, Cam, and he loves me. And it doesn’t matter that he’s not here, I’ve told you that I’m not interested. I’m not willing to compromise and just go for a tawdry orgasm. I want… I want to make love to him, not just get off with some superior officer blowing me.” His ire was rising, and along with it his despair, because he was all alone, and he did miss being touched. But not by Cam.Cam sighed, sounding frustrated. “Jesus! I’m not a girl. I don’t care who you’re thinking about when you come – we both just need to get off, Evan. You can pretend it’s him touching you, whoever your mystery man is. I truly don’t care, just as long as I get to blow my load with your hands on me.” He lifted his hand to stroke Evan’s face again, but Evan had had enough.He grabbed Cam’s hand and moved sharply, twisting Cam’s arm up behind his back. “I said no, Mitchell. And I meant it. Now get the fuck out.”He was fumbling for the door with one hand when Cam responded, his voice low and amused. “God, you’re one stubborn bastard, Lorne, but I’ll get you yet.” He was smirking as Evan got the door open and manhandled him out it, slamming it in his face.Shaking wildly, nausea clawing at his belly, Evan slumped down onto the floor, tears trickling down his face. God this was so fucked up! He was all alone, and Cam kept on harassing him, and John was in another galaxy, and Evan had dumped both of them in the shit with two Generals, and this was probably the last night he’d ever spend in freedom, and he’d had to fend off yet another round of unwanted sexual harassment, and…There was a touch on his shoulder and Evan jumped out of his skin, his arms coming up to defend himself as his face jerked towards the threat.John was crouched next to him on the floor, his body taut with suppressed anger, but his face full of love and compassion and caring, and Evan’s eyes grew big and round. “Holy fuck!” he muttered, “I’ve actually gone insane. Now I’m fucking hallucinating you!" He scampered backwards, away, trying to get to his feet, but failing as he shuffled across the floor, trying to put as much distance as possible between himself and his hallucination.“No, no, Ev,” John said, his heart almost breaking for what Evan had been enduring. “I’m real, I’m here, I’ve come to get you, to rescue you.” He was following Evan as he retreated, but Evan finally managed to get his feet under him and lurched upright, still backing away.“You’re not real. You can’t possibly be here. I’ve officially gone nuts. God, John!” The cry was heart-wrenching and John faltered, coming to a standstill. “Don’t you think if you were really here, that I’d fucking throw myself at you? I miss you so fucking much! But I’m going to get to see you, really soon, because O’Neill and Landry know everything… about Carter and the coded messages and I recited your letter to them, and they’re going to court-martial us… maybe tomorrow. So I’ll get to see the real you tomorrow. I don’t need a hallucination now, please, please just go away.”With his arms up, as if to fend John off, Evan backed himself into his bedroom and slammed the door shut, sliding down it and sitting there shaking at this turn of events. He hadn’t thought he was so close to the edge… and then his eyes caught sight of the duffle bags, lined up at the end of his bed, and he flicked his gaze around the room, seeing that his clock was missing from his bedside table as was the book he was reading and his bottle of water. Turning his head to the side, he saw that the dirty-washing basket was empty, but he knew he’d needed to do washing, it’d been nearly full.His mind in a turmoil of confusion, he pushed himself to standing, wiped his tears away, and slowly opened the bedroom door.John was leaning against the sofa, his hands clenched to either side, and a look of despair on his face. He’d been tried to decide whether to knock and force his way into Evan’s room, or leave him to recover his balance for a bit before trying again. Seeing Evan like that had ripped him to shreds, and knowing that Evan hadn’t believed it was really him…!And then there was the problem that Evan had mentioned – that he’d told Generals O’Neill and Landry everything… Clearly matters were about as bad as they could be. Were MPs about to descend on Evan’s flat, ready to arrest him? Did they suspect John was here? Had they baited the trap with SG-1?The bedroom door opened and John lifted his gaze up to meet Evan’s shocked eyes. “John?” Evan whispered, and John pushed off the sofa and took the three steps needed to get to Evan. “Yeah, it’s me, Ev, it’s me,” and then Evan was in his arms, and John’s heart nearly exploded with the sheer joy of feeling Evan’s body leaning against his own. His breath coming in big, shuddery gulps, John held Evan tightly against his chest, feeling him shaking with the force of his emotions. “I’m here, Ev, you can let go. I’ve got you.”And Evan did let go. Clinging to John, feeling those long, strong arms, wrapping tightly around his body, holding him close, he felt all the sorrow and desperation and loneliness and trauma of all these months apart welling up through his body until his tears overflowed and flooded down his face as he gave way to his emotions.John held him through it, rocking him slightly, so fucking glad that he was here right now, that he could give Evan the comfort of his presence as he dealt with everything that he’d been locking away inside of him. And John wasn’t immune, before too long he could feel the tears prickling at his own eyes, until eventually they were standing there, locked together, rocking softly and both of them crying with the sheer relief of being together again.Eventually Evan wound down to snuffles and sniffs, and slowly drew back, gazing up into John’s loving eyes. “It’s you. It’s really you. How the hell did you get here?” His fingers trailed up and over John’s face in wonder and suddenly he pushed up onto the balls of his feet and brought their lips together. John grunted softly, feeling the rightness of the connection. He sank into the kiss, desperate to taste Evan, to feel the warmth of his mouth, the soft glide of his tongue… As the kiss deepened a little, John felt jubilation infusing his entire soul as Evan responded enthusiastically.But a shaft of memory suddenly intruded, and he recalled where they were. He pulled sharply back from the embrace. “I’ll explain everything, Ev, but first – are the MPs on the way? Cos if so, we need to go right now.”Evan shook his head, looking a little dazed. “No. O’Neill said I should report back at 0700hrs tomorrow to hear my – our – fate. I’m really sorry, John. I had to… to tell them everything. They ordered me to.”John nodded. “It’s okay, Ev. I’ve got a jumper; we can leave immediately. I’ve packed all your clothes and toiletries and everything. It’s just the stuff out here for you to decide on. Everything else we need is in the jumper already.”“How…? How did you…?”“I’ll tell you on the way. But I think we need to go, Ev.” Now that the first wave of emotion at having Evan in his arms again had abated, the fear of being captured was rising again. “Even if you think you’ve got ‘til 0700hrs, I don’t want to risk them changing their mind. If they dial Atlantis now, they’re going to find out I’m missing. And even if they don’t, Carter might already know by now, and if that’s the case, she’s likely to send through the charge paperwork for you, so we need to get the hell out of here, right now.” He stopped suddenly, drawing in a sharp breath. “Shit. I never even asked you. I just assumed…”“If you assumed I’d want to be wherever you are, John, you’re right,” Evan said immediately, resting his forehead against John’s shoulder and just feeling him there, against his body. “What’s the plan?”“Jumper to Pegasus – it’s got hyperdrive. Then we’ve set up a new camp, off-world. On Planet Waterfall. Just you and me for now, but if the IOA decide to pull out of Pegasus, then some of the first wavers are going to join us. Ronon and Teyla, too, and your team.”Evan nodded, a little dazed, but willing. Very, very, willing. “Okay,” he said, moving slowly out of John’s embrace. “So you’ve packed all my gear except this room?” He gestured towards the living room, and John nodded.“Yeah, what do you want to bring? Be quick.”Evan started pulling pictures down off the walls – not all of them, just one here, one there. “Is there electricity?”“Yep. We’ve got that sorted.”“Right,” Evan said, turning to the DVD stack and quickly gathering the ones he wanted to take. “Food?”“All aboard already. Everything is, except your personal stuff and you.” John was rapidly packing the items Evan was selecting, and in less than five minutes they were all done. He pulled out the portable storage device and pointed it towards the duffle bags. Just before he activated it though, he paused and lifted the one with Evan’s clothes and toiletries in it out of the way. Then he zapped everything else into the storage module with a flash of light.Evan gazed in wonder for a moment, but then he suddenly jerked a little and turned sharply towards the wardrobe.Frowning slightly, John followed him. “I got all your clothes, Ev.”“Yeah, I know. I just…” Evan was on his knees on the floor, pulling up one of the floorboards. He stuck his hand down into a small cavity and when it re-appeared he was holding a zat gun. “So we can ensure we make it to the jumper, John,” he said, “and I had another idea too, but that can wait.”“Excellent. Let’s go.” John grabbed the one duffle bag that he’d saved, and led the way to the door. He stopped with his hand on the doorknob and turned back towards Evan. “Jeez it’s good to see you, Ev. I was going nuts without you.” He reached out his hand and caressed Evan’s cheek, smiling as Evan turned his face into the touch. “We need to go. I don’t want them to catch us. Let’s keep the rest for the jumper.”As Evan nodded his agreement, John lifted the duffle bag into his hand, opened the door and, together, they slipped out into the night.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

The hike through the late-night streets of Colorado Springs and out into the pitch black of the forest was completed in near silence. Evan’s mind was reeling with everything that had happened in the past few hours, scrabbling to find a footing in the sudden change in his circumstances after everything that had gone down at the SGC with General Landry and General O’Neill and the knowledge that tomorrow would’ve seen him jailed. Throw in an unwanted sexual proposition – which had only widened the jagged tear in his heart – and then thinking he’d gone mad and was hallucinating John… and it’d been one hell of a day all up!Evan was still trying to process everything, but he could feel the reality of John’s hand clasped tightly in his own, and every time he turned his head, John was pacing right there, beside him, duffle bag in hand, and that endearing smirk of his lighting his face as he caught Evan’s eyes.They’d been walking through the dark of the forest for nearly an hour – Evan trustingly following John’s lead as he slithered through the underbrush – when suddenly, right there before him, a puddle jumper shimmered into existence and Evan let out a rush of air, relief flooding him. It was real. John had really come. He’d flown a jumper here, through hyperspace. He’d come for Evan, just as he’d said he would.John was walking up the ramp so Evan followed him. And then the ramp was closing and they were alone inside the jumper… But instead of immediately taking Evan in his arms, John was dumping the duffle bag on the floor and reaching up into the webbing for a medical kit.“Give me your arm, Ev,” John requested, and Evan, realising what John was about to do, held out the arm with his subcutaneous tracker in it. He flinched slightly as John made the cut, but moments later the device was on the floor, and John was sealing the wound closed. He stomped his foot down onto the sub-q and when he reached down to pick it up, it was clear that he’d successfully neutralised it.“Right,” John said, “it’s destroyed. But we need to get out of here in case they’ve tracked you this far.”Evan followed John in a daze, moving to the forward cabin and taking the co-pilot’s seat as John powered the jumper up and lifted it into the air. John flicked his eyes towards Evan. “Sorry it’s all been a bit rushed. Are you okay?” “Um, yeah, it’s just. You’re real. You came for me.”John gave him a devastatingly loving smile. “Of course I did, Ev. I told you I would.”Evan nodded, but his eyes were suspiciously bright. There was nothing John could do right now, though. The prospect of being captured, moments before they made good their escape, was strong in his mind so he pointed the jumper straight up into the atmosphere, and it wasn’t until they’d reached space, and he’d set the autopilot to take them to the far side of Mars, that he turned again to Evan.Smiling gently, he drew Evan up to his feet, slowly threading his arms around him and pulling him into a firmly loving embrace, his head resting against Evan’s shoulder. “I’m here, Ev. I promised you I’d come for you and I have. Rodney and Zelenka took parts from the two broken jumpers to make one good one, and Rodney built a hyperdrive and some Wraith/Asgard storage modules, so I’ve got heaps of gear for us – including coffee plants. Rodney’s not sure if he’ll join us, but there was no way we were going to get him without coffee!” He drew back and smiled a little tremulously at Evan, and Evan nodded again, still looking a bit dazed.“Hey, it’s okay. I know it’s been shit for you, Ev. Even with the little you could tell me, I knew you’d be suffering.” John slowly backed into the rear of the jumper, his hands softly tugging Evan after him. Once there, John let go of Evan’s hands and moved the duffle bag up onto the bench seat on one side, then opened the other side and pulled out some bedding. Laying it down on the ground he fashioned a very comfortable sleeping platform, with a soft mattress, piles of blankets, and pillows, and then sank down, pulling Evan down to join him.Evan was still trying to get his head around this, but really, all he needed to know was that John was here with him, and so he let himself sink down onto the makeshift bed beside him, tucked his head in beneath John’s neck, and clung. The smell and feel of John’s body spoke of love, safety and support, and Evan burrowed in closer, taking an untold amount of comfort from John’s presence. They lay like that for nearly half an hour, John gently running his hands up and down Evan’s sides, and planting soft kisses against his hair, until Evan drew in a very deep breath. “I missed you, John,” he whispered, lifting his head. “I missed you so fucking much, it was like I couldn’t breathe.” And then he pushed himself up a little and his lips found John’s.John was more than willing to spend the next few hours while the jumper made its way to Mars refamiliarizing himself with Evan’s body, and so he responded to the kiss, feeling the stirring of arousal in his groin.He rolled himself on top of Evan, enjoying the brush of lips, sucking gently on Evan’s tongue, then letting Evan do the same to him. Evan’s hands were gripping his shoulders tightly, as if afraid to lose him again, but John let his own slide down until he was unbuttoning Evan’s BDU top and pushing it to the sides and pulling his t-shirt free of his pants. His hand slid up under the fabric, and he shuddered at the feel of Evan’s skin – warm and lightly-haired, soft and silky with firm muscles just beneath the surface. Evan shivered beneath him, and his mouth pulled away from John’s.“Skin… I want skin, so much. Please?” His voice was breathy and urgent, and John reared up, pulling his t-shirt off as Evan quickly stripped his own top half, and then they were on each other again, but this time their nipples were brushing over one another’s, the light shocks of pleasure spiking through them as their mouths spoke of all the desperate yearning and despair that had overwhelmed them for six long and lonely months.It wasn’t long before their pants and boots were going the same way, and then they were completely naked, and John paused, lifting himself up on his arms to gaze down at the man that he’d crossed galaxies to reach. “I know I never really said it much, Evan, not in person, but I… I love you. I know I’ve written it to you, but I… I wanted to say it too. Because being separated from you? It… It really fucking sucked, and I don’t want to ever live like that again.”Evan smiled sweetly up at him, his hands lifting to frame John’s face. “I know, John. I’ve always known that you love me. Thank you for saying it, but never doubt that I know how you feel. I feel the same way. And it’s been hell living without you. Thank you for coming to rescue me.” His eyes filled with tears, and as some overflowed and trickled down his cheeks, John leaned down and kissed them away. He lowered his body down until he could feel all of Evan’s muscled perfection beneath him, their turgid cocks trapped between them. “I packed lube,” he said softly. “Want to be inside me, Ev?” His tone was hopeful, and the unmet want of all of those months came through clearly.Evan smiled through his tears. “Yeah, I do. I really, really do.” He gently rolled them over, leaning down to kiss John again, knowing he was never going to get enough of this. A few minutes passed as they made out, their hands gently caressing flesh that had been denied them for far too long, and then John pulled away, breathing heavily. “Lube’s in the bench seat, Ev, just next to you.”Evan grinned and leaned across, lifting the seat up and spotting the lube immediately. There were half a dozen tubes at least, and he flicked his eyes down to John’s. “Planning a party?” he asked, and John smiled lasciviously at him. “It’s gonna take us five or six days to get home, Ev, and we’ve got nothing else to do here but enjoy being together.”Evan’s smile widened and then he threw back his head and laughed, the last of his tension washing away with the realisation that this was real, he was really in a jumper with John, heading for Pegasus, and there was no-one who could order them apart, no-one who could interfere if they literally chose to spend six straight days making love.“Sounds good to me,” he said softly as his laughter wound down. John’s eyes were soft with love and want, and Evan flicked the lid off the lube and gooped a decent amount out onto his fingers. Leaning forward, he found John’s willing lips again, and then let his hand slide down between John’s legs, searching and easily finding his pucker. Circling softly, Evan could feel John’s body hitching beneath his own, and he smiled through the kiss, loving the feeling of being able to affect John this much with such a simple touch.It wasn’t long before John was moaning softly, Evan’s fingers circling and then penetrating, finding their way in through the sensitive band of muscle at John’s entrance, and starting to open him up. Evan’s mouth had slid down to suckle against John’s neck, targeting all those places he knew John was particularly responsive to, and his spare hand was wrapped around John’s cock, slowly stroking as he relished the feel of the taut flesh that he’d been without for so long. John was writhing under his ministrations now, and Evan’s heart swelled in his chest. “God, I missed you,” he stuttered out, and then John’s arms were tightening around his body, pulling him into a frantic hug as their emotions derailed the intimacy, threatening to overwhelm them once more. Evan’s fingers had stilled inside John’s body, and after a few moments, John loosened his arms and squirmed a little, and Evan laughed rather wetly, and resumed his gentle exploration of John’s passage, scissoring his fingers, sliding in a third, seeking John’s pleasure centre and softly stroking across it.John jerked, a whimper escaping, and Evan knew he couldn’t wait much longer – neither of them could. The need to be connected, to be joined, was too intense. He pulled his fingers free and used the remaining lube to slick his tumescent cock, then, his eyes holding John’s, he slowly lifted first one ankle, then the other up onto his shoulders, shuffled forward and settled his cockhead right against John’s entrance. “Want me?” he teased, and John moaned – loudly. “Fuck yes! In me, Ev, please, now…” John’s eyes were tortured with want so Evan did what they both so desperately needed and pushed inside. It was obvious that John had been true to his word and had taken no other lovers. His body was tight, and Evan paused with just the crown of his cock inside, waiting for the burn to subside. When the tension around John’s eyes dropped away, Evan slowly pushed forward, further and further, until he was fully seated in his lover’s body and then he sank down until his entire torso was pressing against John’s, his face nestled in against John’s neck. “God, I love you, John. I’ve missed you… missed this… so much.” Slowly, Evan pushed himself up onto his hands and began to move, rocking his hips gently, creating just a small amount of movement between them, and he watched with joy as John’s expression softened and his eyes took on a slightly dazed glaze. He loved doing this to John, loved watching his face as Evan slowly took him apart.Softly and gently, Evan lowered his lips down to John’s and over the minutes that followed, they let their emotions surface and swirl around them, as their hands caressed each other’s skin intimately, and Evan moved from rocking to gliding, gradually increasing his pace, until eventually he released John’s lips and pushed himself up onto his hands again, elbows locked, and started to properly thrust in and out of John’s hot slick channel, listening to John’s groans as he slid across his sweet spot on every stroke, seeing the goosebumps all over John’s arms and chest, feeling John’s hand caressing his hip and watching as John fisted himself, stroking in time with Evan’s thrusts.John’s expression started to fracture, his breaths coming in short, sharp gasps, and Evan watched with heavily lidded eyes as John’s cock erupted, spurts of cum shooting out across his stomach and chest, some reaching as high as his neck, as John wordlessly cried out in ecstasy. Feeling John’s body spasming around his cock, Evan felt his own orgasm starting to crest. The pleasure coiled low in his belly swelled and erupted, the explosion surging through his body, and Evan moaned long and low as he gave himself up to the pleasure, eventually slumping down onto John’s sweat-slick chest and blissfully floating away.
***** *****

Stargate Command
O’Neill was used to overnighters at the SGC and actually had a room permanently allocated to him, so he’d had quite a decent sleep by the time an SF came in to wake him around midnight. He had a quick shower before donning his dress blues. He hated them – a lot – but this wasn’t a combat situation, and arriving in the persona of General O’Neill was important if he was going to fix this mess Carter had created. Shaking his head again as he tried to fathom Sam’s reasoning in doing what she had, Jack stopped in the mess for a quick bowl of Froot Loops, before making his way to the control room.

They had a ZPM at the SGC. It only had a small amount of power, so they considered carefully before using it, but Jack really couldn’t think of any other way to do this. Atlantis wasn’t due to dial in for another week or so, and he didn’t want to wait that long to resolve this. The details that Sheppard had shared in that letter to Lorne had raised this situation to urgent. It was quite clear that conditions in Atlantis were intolerable, and a spark of anger rose up as O’Neill considered Carter’s behaviour. Pushing that aside – because he only had the private ramblings of a disaffected man who’d been caught fraternising with one of his male subordinates – Jack asked Walter to dial Atlantis.He was waiting at the end of the ramp when the event horizon burst into being, and it was the work of mere moments for Walter to request – and receive – permission from Atlantis for the General to come through. Turning to wave at Walter, Jack quickly mounted the ramp and stepped into the wormhole.He emerged into daylight in Atlantis, the sun shining through the stained-glass windows, casting beautiful rainbow colours all around the Gateroom, and Jack felt his spirits lift a little as Atlantis herself settled into his mind, welcoming him home. And then he heard Colonel Carter gasp, and Jack lifted his head to see her standing, stunned, on the balcony. A moment later she was running down the staircase towards him, a bright smile lighting her face. “General,” she said, her tone full of joy as she came to a stop, about a metre away. “Welcome to Atlantis. We weren’t expecting you.”“No, this visit was unexpected on our end too, Carter,” Jack said. “Can we talk in your office perhaps?”Sam nodded and led the way up the stairs. Once they were in the office and the door was shut, she turned to Jack with a beautifully happy smile. “It’s so good to see you, Jack.” She took a step towards him, but Jack held up his hand. “I’m not here as Jack, Colonel, and I haven’t come for the purpose of visiting you. Certain matters have come to light that cast a very nasty cloud over your command here. Want to tell me what’s been going on?”Carter’s smile dropped away instantly and the colour slowly left her face. “Nothing’s wrong here, General. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She swallowed, her eyes twitching away from his, and Jack easily read the lie for what it was. “Carter, according to what I’ve been told, you’ve made some very bad decisions here… out-of-character decisions even, and certainly immoral decisions. This’ll go easier on you if you just tell–”He was cut off by the sound of the gate dialling, and Chuck calling out, “Off-world activation… Teyla’s IDC.”Sam’s face grew even whiter, the strain around her eyes more prominent, and Jack glanced through the window towards the Gateroom floor where a jumper was emerging from the wormhole – piloted by Doctor McKay – and rising sharply into the bay above.“Where’s Sheppard?” he asked. “Why isn’t he piloting?”“He and his team have been on New Athos for the past week,” Sam answered him tersely. “Perhaps he thought Rodney needed the practice.”Jack shook his head and opened the door. “Call Sheppard,” he said to Chuck who was manning the consoles, and Chuck immediately opened a channel on the console before him. “Colonel Sheppard, please report to the control room.”There was no response, and Chuck tried again. After a moment, when no answer had been received, Chuck tried Teyla. “Teyla, this is Chuck. Is Colonel Sheppard with you?”“No, he is not. He returned to Atlantis earlier this morning, Chuck,” Teyla’s voice responded. “Get them up here, now,” Jack said, and Chuck relayed the order.“Conference room?” Jack suggested to Sam, and she nodded jerkily.They’d just taken their seats when Sheppard’s team entered the room. “O’Neill!” Rodney exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”“General,” Teyla said calmly. “It is a pleasure to see you once again.”“Ms Emmagan,” Jack said, nodding his head politely, “McKay, Ronon. I understand that you’ve lost Sheppard?”“We haven’t lost him,” Rodney said defiantly, dropping into one of the seats. “We’ve been on New Athos for the past week, participating in one of the Athosian festivals, and when we woke up this morning, Sheppard was gone.”“Jinto says he saw Colonel Sheppard walking towards the Gate, in the hour before dawn,” Teyla continued the tale. “He asked if all was well, and John said that he had been recalled to Atlantis. But it seems that he is not here. Is this true?” Jack turned his gaze to Sam and watched as she nodded, her body tense. “That’s a very interesting story,” Jack said, gazing between McKay and Teyla. “Carter, can you please call Doctor Beckett to join us, and maybe Stackhouse and Coughlin as well. I seem to remember they were very loyal to Sheppard, and to Major Lorne, when he was here.” The letter from Sheppard had made reference to Carson as a friend, and to Stackhouse and Coughlin as being near the edge, in the same way Sheppard himself was, and Jack wanted them all in the room for the coming conversation.Sam looked surprised and uncertain, but, after a moment’s hesitation, did as ordered, and Jack sat in silence, watching John’s team for clues while they waited for the men to arrive. Rodney looked shifty, Teyla’s expression was calm in the extreme – except for a slight tightening around her eyes, and Ronon looked mutinous. But Teal’c had mentioned that was Ronon’s standard expression, so Jack couldn’t read much into that.Stackhouse and Coughlin arrived, followed a few moments later by Carson, who bustled through the doors and greeted the General with surprised pleasure, before finding a seat beside Rodney. “What’s going on then?” Carson asked, looking around.O’Neill took a breath and eyeballed Rodney. “Where is he?” he asked.Rodney narrowed his eyes. “Where’s who?”“Sheppard, of course. I know he was planning something big, and I’m guessing you guys being on New Athos for a week was the cover for him going AWOL. I doubt very much that you lost him this morning – I suspect you lost him five minutes after you left Atlantis.” He saw Rodney flinch, ever so slightly, and knew that he had them. “Sheppard left Major Lorne a long letter about how bad it’s been here, how the relationship between himself and Carter is totally blown, how he feels that Carter doesn’t care when his troops are killed by the Wraith. I know he’s not happy leaving Lorne alone on Earth, and that there’s someone there who’s been hitting on Lorne that Sheppard doesn’t approve of. I know he had a plan to rescue Lorne when he returned to Atlantis after the IOA briefings, and I know he needed his resident genius – that’s you, McKay – to help him enact it. So now I need to know what’s going on. This isn’t about Sheppard or Lorne – I’ll do what I can to protect them from their own actions. This is about Atlantis and the safety of everyone here.” There was utter silence, and it was Carson who broke it. “Are you… are you suggesting that there’s something going on between the Colonel and Major Lorne?” he asked, utterly flabbergasted.“I know there is,” Jack responded. “Major Lorne came clean on the whole thing. Told me and Landry how Carter had caught them out, but instead of having them charged with their offences, she decided to split them up, keep Sheppard here, and exile Lorne to Earth with a whole lot of bullshit on his file about what had happened here.” Jack slid his eyes over to Carter. “Do you want to dispute that, Colonel? Want to tell your side of the story?”Sam’s face was white, her mouth pinched shut, and she shook her head, her mind in turmoil as everything that she’d done came crashing back down on her. “Right,” O’Neill said, and his heart was aching for Sam, knowing how very badly she’d fucked up. Until that moment, he’d still hoped that Lorne had been lying – or exaggerating – and that Sheppard’s letter had been overblown nonsense from a disgruntled officer who’d been caught and was creating as much dissension as he could. Sam’s silence blew all of those hopes out of the water and Jack felt his anger stirring at what she’d done here. “Colonel Carter, I want you to leave the room.”Sam baulked at that though. “This is my command, Sir,” she ground out stiffly, angrily.“Carter, it was your command. But when you chose to hide the actions of your two most senior subordinates, and then treated your Military Commander like a morally corrupt asshole, and interfered with any chance he had to see the man he loves when he visited Earth, not to mention manipulating an Air Force General to ensure that you got your way… it stopped being your command. I’m sorry. But you can’t be an effective commander if you straight out tell the man in charge of your military assets that you don’t trust him, and then you keep twisting the knife even after you’ve ripped his heart out. You’ll be returning to Earth with me, Carter. Someone else will be taking over here. Although, I should mention that the political climate on Earth is rife with tension, and the funding for Atlantis is about to be pulled anyway. So you wouldn’t have been here much longer either way. But for right now, I want to talk to these good folks, and if Sheppard’s letter to Lorne was in any way accurate about the current emotional climate here in Atlantis, I very much doubt they’re going to talk in front of you. I’m ordering you to leave the room, Carter and to wait in your office.” He turned suddenly to McKay. “Can she do any damage from there?” Because Sam was sheet white and shaking, her eyes wide and dangerous looking, and Jack was unsure exactly what was going on.Rodney nodded. “A lot.”“Doctor Beckett, I think perhaps Colonel Carter is unwell. Can you please have her removed to the infirmary, probably in isolation where she won’t have access to any of the systems?”“Aye,” Carson said, his eyes wide. “You can’t do that, Sir,” Sam ground out, but Jack turned his steely gaze on her. “I can and I have, Colonel. You seem to have forgotten some of the basic rules of leadership, but a General can most certainly order a Colonel to be detained in an infirmary if he suspects that she’s unwell. And Sam…” his voice gentled right down, “whatever’s going on here, it’s not at all in character for you. Go with Carson.”Sam stood and stalked out of the room as Carson rose and trailed bemusedly after her. Two marines – for whom Stackhouse had quietly radioed – followed them both, guns held at the ready.The tension in the conference room was very high as the doors closed behind them. Jack let it sit for a few minutes, the room silent and everyone eyeing him. When he eventually spoke, his voice was soft but steely. “So… where’s Sheppard?”Eyes were darting backwards and forwards, but clearly no-one wanted to be the first to break. And then Ronon pushed back from the table, lunging to his feet and starting to twirl his pistol. “It was too fucked up. Sheppard couldn’t go on like that. And Lorne was miserable. Carter fucked them up. Sheppard’s gone to get Lorne.”“Ronon!” Rodney exclaimed. “You could’ve left that last bit out. All he has to do is dial Earth and they’ll pick John up on his sub-q.” Ronon swirled his gun once more, then pointed it straight at O’Neill, the sound of it powering up loud in the small room. “Gotta get through me to get to the DHD, McKay. No-one’s dialling Earth.” “Huh!” Rodney said, looking a little stunned. Then he tapped his radio. “Zelenka, I need you to surreptitiously remove the control crystal that allows the gate to dial Earth. Do it now. Hide it – but tell me where you’ve put it this time.”O’Neill raised his eyebrows. “Ah, Ronon. I don’t know you that well, but I do know that you’re a man of your word. So am I. I’m not going to try and dial Earth and get them to hunt Sheppard. If he’s gone to fetch Lorne, then I’m more interested in how the hell he’s managed to do that.” Ronon slowly dropped the muzzle of his pistol towards the ground as Rodney preened. “Ah, well, that was me.” “Yes, I assumed. The ‘resident genius’ part of the letter Sheppard left for Lorne kinda gave that away,” Jack said a little mockingly.“Radek and I installed a hyperdrive in a jumper – and a Wraith storage module, as well as some handheld Asgard/Wraith hybrid modules so John could pick up–” Rodney jerked a little, then turned to glare at Coughlin. “No need to detail the entire plan, Doc. The General gets the picture.”Jack did get the picture, and it wasn’t a very nice view, suggesting widespread disaffection with Colonel Carter’s leadership and a possible coup in the making. “How are you powering a hyperdrive in a jumper?” Jack asked, because that seemed pretty far-fetched.Grinning widely, Rodney explained about the mini-ZPMs that Stackhouse had found and hidden, and how he’d used one of them to give John exactly what he needed. Jack gazed at him wonderingly. The intelligence of this one man was staggering, and if he ever decided to turn his mind to evil… and then he realised that he sort of already had. McKay had made it possible for Sheppard to go AWOL, to fly his way to Earth to collect his very male, very in-his-chain-of-command lover. And every single person at this table was smiling and nodding along, so they were all part of this plan, and none of them appeared to have any problem with deceiving Carter, or backstabbing the SGC by hiding the ZPMs away.It was obvious to Jack in that moment that the SGC had totally lost control of Atlantis. It belonged to Sheppard and his intensely loyal troops now. Gazing around the room, his eyes lighted momentarily on Stackhouse then Coughlin, Ronon and Teyla before coming to rest again on McKay. “So are you planning a coup here? Were you going to topple Carter and declare yourself an independent colony, or what?” “No, Sir!” Stackhouse said, speaking for the first time. “Nothing so grandiose. But there are a lot of us that are very unhappy with the situation, and we weren’t planning on staying, Sir. My team were the ones who found the ZPMs and I made the command decision to conceal that fact from Colonel Carter and Major Zimmerman. And then Colonel Sheppard’s team came across the planet that makes the pulse pistols like Ronon’s, and he bartered for them with what he had on him, again choosing not to inform Colonel Carter. We’ve got those items stored off-world, and a whole lot of other things as well, to enable us to continue to fight the Wraith. Colonel Sheppard mentioned that the IOA might be planning to withdraw from Pegasus, and… well, Sir, some of us don’t believe that’s the right course of action. We’re planning to defect, Sir.” He glanced at Ronon, reassuring himself that Ronon’s pistol was still right there and ready to fire. If worse came to worst, they could stun the General and secure him somewhere, then steal a couple of jumpers with all of those who were aware of the plan and escape through the Gate.Jack nodded, pursing his lips. The troops here were obviously severely disaffected to have made these sorts of decisions. And by Stackhouse’s own account, he’d made the decision to conceal the ZPMs without Sheppard’s say so, so the loyalty to Sheppard over Carter was already down to the level of the non-commissioned officers. Jack turned his attention to McKay. “Have you got enough power to fly Atlantis to Earth, McKay, what with all these mini-ZPMs you’ve found?” Rodney gazed at him. “My politically correct response to that question is no. We have two half-full ZedPMs in use in the city, and that’s insufficient to power up the star-drive – it takes three ZedPMs working in concert to use the star-drive. Since the SGC and the IOA know nothing of the mini-ZedPMs – and they’re not actually here, in the city, anyway – no, Atlantis cannot fly to Earth.” Jack sat for a full minute, considering all that he’d been told, and all that he’d observed and deduced for himself. The people in this room were clearly unwilling to leave the Pegasus worlds to fend for themselves, and Jack himself could understand that – especially since Sheppard had woken the Wraith early, so all the bad shit that had happened since then was on his conscience. And clearly those loyal to him shared his sense of responsibility. Jack did too, to a certain degree. And if McKay refused to fly Atlantis back to Earth, then the only other option was to sink the city, and he didn’t much like that idea because it risked them never getting back here if the power failed and the shield stopped holding the ocean back. It was a lot to consider, but eventually he sighed and leaned forward, resting his hands on the table. “Okay folks, here’s what I’m thinking. The political situation on Earth’s a disaster. Alien stuff is leaking out every-fucking-where, and we’re about to go for full disclosure, and we’re expecting mass hysteria on a global scale as a result. The IOA want Atlantis either on Earth, or sunk back beneath the waves. I’m going to suggest another option. You guys stage that coup. Get everyone who’s not interested in being part of your Pegasus lifestyle into the Gateroom, and send them all back to Earth. Then maybe, at some future point, you might be willing to open negotiations with Earth and let us have a couple of the ZPMs, and maybe a few of the pulse pistols and the storage devices McKay’s built.” There were raised eyebrows and stunned expressions all around, but Jack powered straight over their shock. “When will Sheppard be collecting Lorne? I assume he’s been gone a week already. So when will he be back? One month? Two months?There was an exchange of glances around the table, then Rodney spoke. “He left eight days ago. We think the journey would’ve only taken five to six days.” Jack’s eyebrows disappeared into his hairline. “How so quick?” “Well, even with the small size of the jumper and the low-yield hyperdrive to suit the size of the vessel, it’s still powered by a ZedPM, and I used the ZedPM to soup up the jumper’s top speed as well, plus the jumper can go through the gates. So John flew from here to a space gate in the next system over, then gated to the planet closest to the void between galaxies. Four days to cross the void in hyperspace. Then he gated to Abydos, and used the hyperdrive from there to Earth. Five to six days all up.” “And he left eight days ago? But Lorne was off-world for the last three days, so Sheppard’s… what? Been hiding at Lorne’s apartment?” “Probably,” Rodney agreed. “And if Lorne’s been missing for all those days, Sheppard’s probably pretty twitchy by now, because he knew when we’d be returning to Atlantis, and when Carter would find out he was missing. He’ll be freaking out that she’ll dial Earth and have Major Lorne arrested for fraternising, because if Sheppard’s not here, then he can’t hold up his end of the bargain, can he? And that puts Lorne at risk.”Jack shook his head slowly. “Lorne’s not at risk, McKay, because he already told us everything yesterday, and we sent him home for the night. He looked like nothing earthly, and I was pretty worried about him. Didn’t want to lock him in a cell, given the shit he’d been put through already. But I was trusting him to present himself back at the SGC at 0700hrs this morning, and I’m guessing, if Sheppard’s been hiding in his apartment, that Lorne will have gone AWOL quite willingly, and will have followed Sheppard back to the jumper and off-world?”Teyla nodded immediately, and so did Coughlin, followed almost instantly by Ronon and Rodney. Stackhouse shrugged. “I didn’t find out until quite recently about the Colonel and the Major, Sir. I can’t answer as to the closeness of their relationship, or what the Major might do if he finds himself in the position of having to disobey an order from a General, or go AWOL with the Colonel.”“Major Lorne will leave with Colonel Sheppard, no questions asked, Sir,” Coughlin said. “I’ve been aware of their relationship for nearly three years, and there’s no question but that they belong together.”Jack gazed at him. “And it didn’t occur to you to report them?” he asked, his voice softly quizzical.“No, Sir. It didn’t interfere with their duties in any way that I could see, and we’re a long way from Earth, Sir, in constant danger. If it helped them to be strong for the rest of us, Sir, then I couldn’t see any reason to stop them.” The General was still gazing at him intently, so Coughlin went on. “I’ve seen the Colonel order the Major into some pretty dicey situations, Sir, without hesitation. I’ve seen the Major leave the Colonel in situations where he was likely to either die or be badly injured – when ordered to go, of course. If they could keep their personal lives that far out of their professional business, then it was no concern of mine, Sir.”Jack nodded, thinking that he hadn’t been able to do the same. As much as he prided himself on keeping his feelings locked down, he’d still refused to leave Carter when she was trapped behind the forcefield on that damn Goa’uld ship, when the Tok’ra armbands had failed them. “So you’ve known for the whole time, since they got together?” he mused. “How about the rest of you?”“I knew that John had found someone,” Teyla said softly, “but I did not realise who his beloved was until after Major Lorne had been sent away from Atlantis.”“You knew?!” Rodney squeaked. “I didn’t know a thing until Sheppard came back from Earth and asked me to build him a spaceship to go and get ‘Evan.’ I didn’t even know who ‘Evan’ was! And I certainly never knew Sheppard was gay!”“I only became aware on the day I told Colonel Sheppard about the mini-ZPMs, Sir, and that was after his return from Earth. He explained to me then, about his relationship with the Major, and that Doctor McKay was going to build him a jumper…”Jack’s eyebrows rose, signalling his surprise and disbelief. Clearly Sheppard and Lorne had done a damn fine job of hiding their relationship and not letting it impact on their duties in any way. Deciding he’d heard all he needed to, he turned to Rodney. “McKay, do you need to wait for Sheppard to be back to stage the coup, or can you do it without him? I’ll be taking Carter back to Earth with me, and it might be best if you do it before we go, because I suspect the moment I get back there, Landry’s going to be riding me about Lorne going AWOL, and when I tell him Sheppard’s missing too, that’s going to kick up a shitstorm. The IOA’s likely to pull the pin on the Atlantis Expedition on the spot and order you all back to Earth anyway. And if Sheppard’s still there, Landry will ping his sub-q and have him picked up. Orion’s in orbit at the moment, it’ll be a cinch to get him and Lorne on board and charged with being AWOL, if nothing else.”Rodney looked across at Stackhouse and Coughlin, reading something from their expressions before responding. “Well of course we can do it without Sheppard, but we need a couple of hours to nut out the details, General. We weren’t planning on a coup, just a defection, and while the concepts are similar, there’re still different logistics to consider.” He eyeballed O’Neill. “I must say it seems particularly odd for a General to be inciting an uprising.”Jack smirked. “It is. But I’m not your run-of-the-mill garden-variety General, McKay. I can see the writing on the wall. If you guys are going to keep fighting the Wraith, you’ll do it better from within the safety of Atlantis, rather than out there on an unprotected planet. And you’ll need the technology here as well.” He paused for a moment and looked around the room. “I meant it when I said that I hope you’ll open up for trade with Earth when you’re ready. Because I can see the next year being very dodgy for us, what with declassification and disclosure and all the alien tech that’s been leaked into the science community already. We’ll be lucky to manage the resources of Earth alone, without having to worry about Pegasus.”“What happens if the Colonel hasn’t managed to find the Major, Sir? You’ll return to Earth and Major Lorne will be in the Brig at the SGC, and Colonel Sheppard will be missing.” Coughlin said, his tone full of concern.Jack pursed his lips. “Look, I don’t condone what they did, but I also don’t condone the way Carter chose to handle it. I’ll do everything I can to ensure they’re free to go on their merry way in their souped-up jumper. And anyway, I definitely sent Lorne home last night, and you’re all pretty confident that Sheppard would’ve been there, waiting for him. I’m sure they’re well away from Earth by now.” He abruptly pushed back his chair and stood. “Right, I’m going to go and see Carter. I want a report from all of you, each and every one,” he eyeballed Ronon, “detailing everything that Carter’s done that made you feel that desertion was the best course of action. And you can have two hours to get your coup together. I need to come out of this squeaky clean, no whisper that I suggested it, which means you’ll need to kick me off the city too.” Leaving them sitting around the table, Jack walked out of the room and turned his feet towards the infirmary.
***** *****

In a puddle jumper, near Mars
John didn’t know how long he and Evan had laid there, their bodies merged into one, the sheer joy of being together wrapping around them… but eventually an alarm sounded in the jumper’s cockpit, and he felt Evan stirring.Sitting up, Evan gazed down at him, his eyes showing the depth of his love. “That was beautiful, John,” he whispered as he slid his spent cock free of John’s body and rolled off him.John pushed himself up, his limbs all soft and loose, and went forward to the jumper controls, taking the pilot’s seat and silencing the alarm. Mars was looming large in the viewing window, and John felt Evan come to stand behind him, his arms wrapping around John’s neck, resting against his shoulders, as they both gazed out the window.“Wow! That’s one hell of a sight.”“Yeah, it was pretty awesome when I dropped out of hyperspace here, but that was mostly because I knew I was very close to finding you, Ev.”Evan’s arms tightened slightly and John felt a gossamer touch on his hair as Evan leaned forward to kiss him. “Where now?” Evan asked softly.“Abydos,” John said, pressing the buttons needed to open the hyperspace window. Within moments, the jumper was ensconced in the blue and white streaks of interstellar travel, and John turned his head up to grin at Evan. “McKay built this hyperdrive from scratch so I could come get you, Ev.”“So he knows about us? And he’s okay with it?”“Lots of people know about us,” John said, swinging the chair around and pulling Evan down onto his lap. “And they’re all okay with it.” His hand brushed lightly over Evan’s back and he felt the shivered response. Leaning forward, he gave Evan a gentle kiss, relishing the knowledge that he could just do that now. Their relationship was no longer illegal – they’d turned their backs on all the restrictive rules and regulations that said they weren’t allowed to love each other. They were free now to let themselves love as they would, to let themselves take pleasure in one another’s presence, to let themselves indulge in carnal acts together, whenever and wherever they wanted to.Evan smiled softly, snuggling in a bit closer. “This’d be more comfortable if the chair didn’t have arms… then I could straddle you,” he said, and John smirked. “Oh, I got us a sort of camp chair for that,” he said, and Evan drew back to stare at him. John blushed. “Well, I wanted us to have… options, you know? We don’t have to hide this anymore, Ev. We’re done with that bullshit. If I want to touch you or…or have sex with you, I just can. No more ‘professional attitude in public’ crap. No more fear of being found out. No more skulking through the hallways making sure I don’t get caught. We can have sex in the great outdoors if we want to, where anyone could see us! We can just let ourselves go and… and enjoy this, and no-one has the right to tell us not to any more.”Evan ran his fingers gently down John’s face. “And you want that. You want the freedom to just… love me.”John nodded shyly. “Yeah… I do, Ev. I do. This last six months… it’s shown me how badly I missed you, and… and how much I need you, but it’s also shown me just how fucked up it was, to always have to be pretending and hiding what I felt for you. No-one cares! No-one but Carter. Rodney knows, and Teyla, Ronon, Coughlin, Reed, Rivers, Stackhouse, Zelenka, Miko… They all know about us, and none of them care.”Evan’s eyes had flared at the knowledge that his team now knew he was gay and had been breaking regs with their CO. But then John’s words sank in and he nodded happily. Everyone knew, and no-one cared. He felt a smile overtaking his face. “Okay, so… a public relationship that anyone who cares to look can see?”John nodded. “Yeah. I’d like that. To not have to hide anymore.”“So, where’s this chair you got us?” Evan asked cheekily. John pushed him gently off his lap and stood up. “I’ll get it, but I’ve got more ideas than that. I spent five days in this jumper all alone, thinking of all the ways we could have sex when I finally got to you. Don’t bother putting clothes on, Ev, I don’t think you’re gonna need them!”And Evan grinned as he watched John lift the bench seat in the back of the jumper and extract a very robust-looking fold-up chair, thinking that the future was definitely looking up.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Altantis
Sam was sitting in the corner of the isolation room, her mind in turmoil. The sudden and unexpected arrival of Jack – her one-time team leader and now her very-long-distance partner – had lifted her spirits immeasurably. But then he’d said he wasn’t there to see her, he was there as a General, and he’d said some very cutting things to her, and had then tossed her out of the room and had her incarcerated in this isolation room.Lorne had obviously broken his word, disobeyed her orders and spilled everything – to both Jack and General Landry – and Sam knew that she was going to be reprimanded over this. But why had Jack come? She’d rather have faced censure from Landry. At least there was no personal relationship there to muddy the waters.She curled up a bit tighter, trying to pull herself together, but memories from the last six months were flickering around inside her mind – the night of the invasion and her implicit trust in Sheppard, right up until his lover had sleepily invited him into the warmth of his bed. Her anger had surged at that discovery, and she wasn’t sure if it had ever stopped simmering. She’d been so enraged that Sheppard had betrayed the uniform and his oath and her – because she’d trusted his integrity, and he’d shown that he had none – and so she’d taken her revenge on him and his XO, making sure they both suffered as much as she was – separated from one another in just the same way she’d been separated from everyone she knew and loved. It’d been unfair, perhaps, to get Lorne sent off-world while Sheppard was on Earth, but she just hadn’t been able to face the prospect of them spending that time together, night after night, curling up in bed together, keeping each other warm, whispering sweet nothings, touching one another, bringing each other to the edge of bliss and tipping over into ecstasy… She’d been unable to think of them together and not feel the jealous rage surging up to engulf her, because she couldn’t just step through the wormhole back to Earth and spend a week in Jack’s company. And so she’d sent her email, and Landry had followed her advice. But that whole week that Sheppard had been gone, she’d been on edge, unable to settle, scared that Lorne wouldn’t have been sent off-world and fearing that Sheppard and he had managed to spend the time together. And that fear – and raging jealousy – had turned to bitterness and it’d overflowed onto everyone else here in Atlantis. She’d sniped and snarked about Sheppard at every meeting, and to everyone who’d listen, hating herself for it, but unable to stop the venom spilling from her mouth. Seeing Sheppard’s anger when he’d come back, thwarted in his desire to be with his illicit lover, Sam had felt such a surge of vindictive joy that she’d scared herself. She shouldn’t be taking such pleasure in another’s pain, but she had. And that had fueled her anger even more, because now she was angry at herself and angry at Sheppard for making her behave this way, and it’d all just spiralled out of control….And now General O’Neill had come to stop it all. Major Lorne had talked, Jack knew, and Jack had come. There was more to be said between them, Sam knew. She’d seen his face when he’d asked her to give her side of the story and she hadn’t said a word… he’d known then. He’d known that everything Lorne had told him was true, and he’d been disappointed in her.Tears slid down her cheeks as she laid her head on her knees, her arms wrapped tightly around her legs, and waited for the axe to fall.
***** *****
Doctor Beckett had let Jack into the isolation room in silence. He’d tried to share what he’d learned from examining Carter, but after the bit where he’d said there were no alien parasites visible on the scan and nothing showing in her blood work, Jack had held up his hand for silence. He’d work this out for himself. He knew Sam, he knew her at her most basic level, and this behaviour was so far out of bounds for her he had no idea what was going on.Stepping into the iso room, he spotted his quarry sitting on the floor on the far side, all curled up on herself.“Carter?” he called softly, and watched as Sam lifted her head. She dropped her arms and pushed up onto her feet, coming to attention, but she was shaking with sudden anger at Jack too – for not coming to visit her, for not hugging her or telling her he’d missed her, for berating her in that meeting in front of her staff, for tossing her out of the room and telling her she’d lost her command. She glowered at him, and he gazed back, all expression leached from his face.“Permission to speak freely, Carter… You can say whatever that is you’re trying to hold back,” Jack said, his voice level.“How dare you treat me this way! You’re supposed to love me, not ignore me and leave me all alone out here for months on end. And then when you do turn up, it’s just to shout at me and take my command off me. I’ve been getting all sorts of tech from the scientists and sending it back to Earth. I’ve done well–”Jack cut her off. “This is professional, Carter, not personal. As a General I can see that a Colonel has made some pretty huge mistakes.” He paused to see what effect his words had had, but when he saw only anger on Carter’s face, his own anger began to rise. “Yes, Sheppard and Lorne broke the regs and no-one’s denying that, but there’s a whole lot of evidence that shows that they never let their relationship get in the way of fulfilling their military duties or their obligations. You, on the other hand, let your personal feelings screw them over even more than if you’d just had them charged for their actual transgressions. You were angry that they’d acted on their feelings when you and I didn’t, and you were scared about how their relationship would reflect on you, as their oblivious CO. They were together for nearly a year under your leadership, Carter, and you never noticed. You falsified documents about the mental health and the actions under fire of a damn fine officer, and for that alone you’re gonna be busted down a rank. You carried out a vindictive plan against the man in charge of the military here, the guy who had the loyalty of the troops, and because of that, you’ve single-handedly alienated every single person in Atlantis. You say you’ve done well out here, sending tech back to Earth. But did you know they’d found twelve mini-ZPMs? Earth could’ve used a few of those. Did you know your staff had found a trading partner who can manufacture Ronon’s pulse pistol? Cos the SGC could’ve used some of those, too. No, you didn’t. You didn’t know these crucial things because you alienated the very people you were here to lead. Did you know McKay reverse engineered Asgard/Wraith storage devices? Cos we could’ve used those, too. You may think you’ve done well, but Carter, this is a fucking shambles.” He gazed at the woman he’d worked beside for ten straight years, the woman he’d grown to love, with her sharp mind, her sudden intuitive leaps of brilliance, her steadfast loyalty, and her compassionate nature, and he wondered where the hell those things had gone, because what she’d done to Sheppard and Lorne was appalling. Maybe he could see the reasoning for saying nothing, keeping Sheppard here and sending Lorne back to Earth, but the way it had been done was way out of line. There was something very wrong here.Even Sam’s expression was wrong, and Jack took a moment to consider her. “Sam,” he said softly. “This is me. I’m right here. What’s happened to you? What’s wrong? Beckett says there’s no alien parasite… I don’t understand what's going on.”The tears welled up in Sam’s eyes to hear Jack’s voice, so soft, so sweet, the voice he only used when they were alone together, and she slowly sank down to the floor. “I don’t know,” she whispered. “I don’t recognise myself.”Jack crossed the room and sat down beside her, and they shuffled back against the wall. Sam slowly collapsed against his side, crying, and Jack just held her, running his hand up and down her side. They sat like that for a long, long time, and then Sam started to talk, her words coming in jagged bursts, not like her usual organised and confident style at all. She spoke of the isolation, of not being accepted because everyone was grieving for Dr Weir, and of the scientists rejecting her because her arrival had turned the expedition from a science focus to a military outpost. She spoke of McKay being revered here, of everyone asking him for help before even considering her. She spoke of missing everyone – her team, her friends, Cassie, Jack… of sleeping alone every single night, in a city full of people who resented her. She spoke of Sheppard, of thinking he was just like Jack, of trusting him implicitly because of that, and then having that trust broken when she realised what he’d done… what he’d been doing with his XO. And from there, everything was just anger and self-pity and despair, spiralling down and down, as everyone rejected her and excluded her, the military pulling in on itself after Major Lorne’s sudden loss, the scientists being angry that Lorne had abandoned them, everything falling apart, trying to get everyone to focus on just tech for Earth but meeting opposition at every turn, of not being able to handle the emotional side of seeing the troops under her command coming back through the gate dead or maimed, of not being able to bring herself to lead the funerals, of not wanting to leave her quarters but forcing herself to, of not wanting to shower or wash her hair, but her military training making that happen despite her apathy, of not being interested in food, but forcing herself to eat. She spoke of her constantly simmering feelings of rage against Sheppard… Sheppard who had carried on with the support of every single person on the base, while Sam herself grew more and more isolated and detested and alone… The words petered out, and Sam lay in Jack’s arms, a shell of her former self.Jack had listened to everything she’d said, hearing what she wasn’t saying behind the words she’d shared - the loss of ten full years of respect for her professional opinion, the loss of her status as golden child of the SGC - and having to endure being replaced by someone as outwardly obnoxious as McKay, the loss of her team’s support and friendship, the loss of her close relationship with Cassie, the loss of Jack himself… He knew that he was gazing at a woman suffering pretty badly from depression, because he’d been there himself. He’d lived through the lack of interest in self-care, the apathy towards any activity, the mood swings, the self-recriminations and self-loathing that followed the loss of things that were so crucial to your well-being. He’d been pulled out of it by that mission to Abydos – a mission that was supposed to be a suicide run, and he remembered that he’d felt perfectly happy to think he could go out that way.He wondered if Sam was actively suicidal, or still in the early stages of depression. Perhaps her anger towards Sheppard and Lorne had actually given her something to hold onto, had kept her afloat.He was just trying to work out what he could possibly say… words were so not his thing and emotions were positively terrifying – when he heard the sharp staticky-crackle of a radio band opening and then a voice came over the city-wide comms system.“Attention all personnel. This is Sergeant Stackhouse and I’ve got a message to share that’s relevant to every resident of Atlantis, so please give me your full attention.” There was the sound of a throat being cleared, and then Stackhouse went on. “Myself, and those who stand with me, have taken control of Atlantis in Colonel Sheppard’s absence and in his name. You’ve all been secured in the rooms or areas you’re currently in, and you won’t be able to leave those rooms until we decide to open the doors. Please don’t panic. You won’t be harmed, but there’re some things that you need to know, so please listen carefully to Sergeant Coughlin who’s going to explain them.”Sam had stiffened in Jack’s arms when Stackhouse started talking, and now she pushed herself upright and sat rigid beside Jack, her whole body thrumming with suppressed emotion, as Sergeant Coughlin's voice took over.“Things have been happening in this city that are not acceptable, and it all started the night the invisible aliens attacked, roughly six months ago.” And then he carefully and methodically explained everything that had happened since that fateful night, starting with Colonel Carter discovering that her two most senior officers had been fraternising with each other and her subsequent actions in splitting the two up and falsely accusing Lorne of both PTSD and of disrupting the military response to the invasion. He described her contemptuous treatment of Colonel Sheppard for all the months since then, her switch in focus to saving Earth over Pegasus, and her part in ensuring that Major Lorne was off-world when Sheppard visited Earth. “Colonel Shepard returned from Earth deeply angry and disaffected, with a plan to retrieve Major Lorne and set up on an isolated Pegasus planet where they could safely be together,” Coughlin said clearly into the radio. “And many of us helped him. We were all in support of the Colonel’s decision to desert, because conditions here had become intolerable for him, and we none of us were willing to abandon Major Lorne on Earth. I realise that some of you will be shocked by the fact that Colonel Sheppard had been fraternising with his male XO for nearly two and a half years, but let me just remind you of how dangerous it is here, and how scary. Any moment might be our last. The Wraith are relentless and without mercy, and there are many other threats, both within Atlantis and out there in Pegasus. Colonel Sheppard and Major Lorne have kept us all safe, at great personal risk on many occasions, and if having the comfort of each other in the night helped them to hold onto their sanity and their compassion for others, then I have no problem with that, and neither do any of the other staff involved in this action.” Sam was shaking now; hearing her deeds laid out so bluntly like that, for every single person in Atlantis to hear, was filling her with shame, and, as Jack’s arm tightened about her shoulders, she leaned in against him, wanting the voices to stop talking now. But they didn’t. Coughlin might have finished, but Stackhouse still had more to say…“Colonel Sheppard left on his surreptitious mission to retrieve Major Lorne over a week ago. Some of you probably know that General O’Neill came through the gate this morning. He’d learned of the situation here in Atlantis, and was aware of Colonel Carter’s actions. He’s removed her from command and will be taking her back to Earth with him. But he also told us that the IOA plans to sink Atlantis beneath the waves and abandon Pegasus, pulling all staff back to Earth. The SGC’s been asked to declassify the Stargate Program, and full disclosure to the public is imminent. They’re expecting widespread panic – even anarchy – as six billion people discover they’re not alone in the universe. In light of that news, myself and my co-conspirators have decided that we will not bow down to the IOA’s decision. We do, of course, have the option of leaving Atlantis to join Colonel Sheppard and Major Lorne, to live off-world with them and continue to fight for the people of Pegasus that way, but rather than doing that, we’ve decided to hijack the city. As of ten minutes ago, we officially deserted from the United States Armed Services, from the SGC and the IOA’s authority over us, and we’ve set ourselves up to keep Atlantis functioning, keep fighting the Wraith and keep supporting the peoples of Pegasus.” Sam turned her head sharply towards Jack, her eyes wide with shock, unable to believe what she was hearing, but Jack just put his fingers to his lips in a ‘shh’ gesture, as a new voice started talking. “This is Dr McKay – which you should already know since I save your lives at least once a week! You’ve heard everything Stackhouse and Coughlin have said – Atlantis will be effectively cut off from Earth for the foreseeable future, although we do hope, in time, to establish relations between Atlantis Colony and Earth. But for now, we’ll be on our own. In two hours’ time, we’ll be opening a wormhole to the SGC to advise them of our decision to secede, so this is the point where you each need to make a decision. Anyone who wishes to return to Earth can do so then… you’ll be collected by armed personnel and sent through the gate with any personal belongings you want to take home with you. But be aware that we’re going to search your bags and your person, to make sure you’re not stealing any tech that belongs in Atlantis. If you decide to remain in Pegasus, it means you’re agreeing to serve under the command of Colonel John Sheppard and Major Evan Lorne, carrying on the mission we’ve fought and bled for – finding new technologies and ridding the galaxy of Wraith. Earth’s turning its back on Pegasus, but we’re not going to do that. As Coughlin told you, things have been going wrong here for a while, so it should come as no surprise to anyone that we’ve been dealing a little underhandedly with Carter’s regime. A little while ago we found – and concealed – twelve mini-ZPMS, so I can assure you that we’ll have enough power to keep the shield up for as long as we need. We’ve also found the planet that manufactures Ronon’s pulse pistol. We’ve traded for nine so far, and if you choose to stay, we’ll make sure every resident of Atlantis has a pulse pistol for their own safety. All right, that’s all the information you need to make your decision – please radio Chuck and advise him of your choice. And just so that you know we’re not making this up, each of our co-conspirators will now speak their support for this venture in their own voices.”There was silence for a second, and then, one by one, Teyla, Chuck, Reed, Rivers, Zelenka, Miko, Dr Matheson, the two Corporals from Sergeant Stackhouse’s team, and Corporal Harrison (from the supply room) each spoke into the radio, saying that they intended to remain in the newly formed Atlantis Colony. The last to speak was Ronon, who simply said, his voice gruff as usual, “It’s Ronon. Me too.” Then the radio went silent.Jack took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as Sam slumped against him, all the fight gone out of her.“Is this… did I do this?” she whispered into the silence of the room.Jack nodded. “You and me both, Carter. You and me both.” Her face crumpled as the true import of her actions hit her, but Jack was there, holding her tightly. Eventually as she quietened, Jack gazed around, seeing the viewing windows up high on the wall. He needed some privacy to convince Carter she was still loved, despite the shit fest she’d set in chain here. Knowing that they had a couple of hours before they’d be let out of this room and escorted – at gunpoint – to the gate, Jack pulled Sam to her feet and led her into the bathroom, closing the door carefully behind him. They may as well make use of the time by at least letting their skin touch. He knew people suffering depression often had very low – or non-existent libidos – but Carter was definitely in touch deficit, and that he could fix.
***** *****

Five days later
The jumper emerged from the gate on Planet Waterfall and John heaved a sigh of relief. The journey home had been much more enjoyable than the journey to Earth – mostly because he hadn’t been alone and worried out of his mind. He and Evan had spent five very pleasurable days making up for all the months that they’d been missing each other, but it was nice to finally – and safely – reach their journey’s end.He glanced up at Evan who was once again standing behind him, arms lying snuggly around his shoulders, and smirked at him. “Home sweet home, Ev.”“It looks really nice,” Evan responded, gazing out the front window of the jumper as they flew across the planet’s surface. “I’ve never been here before… but I’m wishing I’d thought to bring some painting gear. Look at that waterfall!”John laughed. “Don’t worry. I bought out all the art supplies at one of the best-known craft shops in Chicago. You’ve got enough supplies to last a lifetime.”Evan smiled at him, a cheerful smile, his dimples showing and his eyes glinting with happiness. Seeing Evan regain his sunny personality had been a definite boon on this journey. The Evan John had seen in his apartment that night, his mind tortured with problems and overwhelmed with misery, was a far cry from the companion John had spent the last five days with, making love in the blanket nest on the floor of the jumper – and in the camp chair, and on the padded benches, and over the front console as they’d watched the streaking blues and whites of hyperspace encapsulating their tiny craft, and, on one very memorable occasion, with Evan hanging by his hands from the roof struts in the back of the jumper, and John supporting some of his weight as he’d pulled Evan’s body forward onto his cock, shivering in ecstasy as he’d watched his engorged shaft disappearing inside his lover’s hot, slick body.John brought the jumper in to land behind the tiny tent village that’d been set up in the clearing he’d chosen. There was a big tent for him and Evan to share as living quarters, and three others so far – one a camp kitchen, one filled with computer equipment, and the last containing all their food and other stores… It was looking very welcoming, and John noticed there was also a fire pit that had been set up a little way away to ensure no flames would reach the tents regardless of the force of the wind.He turned to Evan as the jumper engines died, pulling him around to sit on his lap. They were both still naked. They hadn’t bothered putting clothes on at any point in the trip. The jumper’s climate control had kept the cabin at a nicely comfortable temperature, and there’d been little point covering up just to strip off again. John had discovered a real appreciation for skin touching skin on this journey. He loved the freedom of being able to touch his lover at any moment, to reach out and trail his hand over warm flesh, to wrap his body around this man he loved, to suck hickies into his skin without worrying who might see them and wonder about the identity of Evan’s lover. The lack of censure over their activities was intoxicating, and John had immersed himself in the chance to let go of all the boundaries he’d been hamstrung by and just enjoy being himself. In keeping with this new tradition of letting himself be free with touch, he shifted Evan slightly on his lap and leaned a little closer to kiss him. It was a soft kiss, a welcome home kiss, and Evan responded in kind. He too had appreciated the isolation of the journey, just the two of them, a chance to make up for lost time, to find themselves in each other again. And being able to gaze at – and touch – John’s naked body whenever he felt the urge was definitely a boon. “We should go check out our new place, John,” Evan whispered against John’s lips, and John nodded, his hand sliding up Evan’s thighs to softly caress his cock as he slid his tongue into Evan’s warm, moist mouth. They’d finished their last bout of love making only half an hour or so before dropping out of hyperspace at the edge of the Pegasus galaxy, so Evan’s cock was flaccid, but that didn’t stop John wanting to touch, to play. He knew that Evan enjoyed being handled at any time, and John certainly enjoyed the chance to touch him. Rolling Evan’s balls in his fingers for a few moments, John gently let them go and returned to caressing the enticing softness of his cock. And then he felt the flicker of a reaction, and he grinned. Evan had such a cool refractory period. Even John himself had proven that he was up for pretty much anything. Evan put his hand over John’s. “I want to christen our new home, John. My first orgasm on this planet should be in the tent I’m going to live in for the rest of my life. Come on, let’s go find our bed.”Swooping back in for one last sizzling glide of his tongue against Evan’s, John nodded his agreement. He wanted to check out their tent too. Evan slithered off his lap, and John felt the loss, but he stood and entwined their fingers instead, then thought the rear hatch of the jumper open. They stepped out into the sunshine and Evan gazed about him with wonder at this new home. “It’s beautiful,” he said softly, then turned to John and grabbed his other hand. “We can explore later… which is our tent?” he asked, his dimples showing his cheeky question for what it was.John lost no time dragging Evan in the direction of their living tent. The facilities in the jumper didn’t extend to showering, so they were both a little ripe – especially given how much sex they’d had in the five days they’d been inside the jumper, but neither cared. Six months apart had led to a constant need to touch, to hold, to kiss, to caress, to sit in each other’s space, to talk and to just be together in silence. It'd been a healing time and it was still a healing time.They fell onto the pile of furs on the floor of their new home and John shivered as he felt Evan’s cock pushing against his stomach. Somehow it was already more than half-hard and John slid his hand between them to stroke his lover’s erection, even while their mouths sought each other once more. Kissing had become a major part of their days… soft languid kisses, deeply passionate kisses, it didn’t matter, just the mingling of their breath, the gentle caress of lips and the slide of agile tongues had brought John many, many long hours of pleasure. In fact, he felt as if he’d been soaked in pleasure across all of these days, and he wasn’t ready for it to end.The furs were soft and warm against their skin, and John pulled one of the biggest ones over the top of them, creating a snug cave of sensory input, the pelts shushing over their bodies as they moved together. They were each happy to take any position in their love making, and so they were both open and ready, lubricant a permanent part of their last five days, and John’s fingers slid easily through Evan’s entrance, stroking delicately across his prostate as Evan shook a little from the intensity of the sensations flooding through him. He was already fully erect – it didn’t take much stimulation when the man touching him was John – and he shifted them about until he was settled over the top of John’s supine body, slowly lowering himself down onto John’s rigid shaft. Despite the number of times they had made love in the past week, the feeling of John’s cock sliding inside his body still made Evan’s eyes flicker closed as his attention turned inwards, the glide of that tumescent shaft entering his body, pushing up inside, joining them as closely as two people could be joined… Evan started to rock his hips, slowly, languorously, leaning forward to join his mouth to John’s, relishing the feel of his slick tongue doing delectable things in his mouth, even as John’s hands were caressing his sides and his back, settling on his hips in a show of ownership and togetherness that never failed to make Evan shudder with need and want. John was mewling in the furs, writhing beneath him and Evan’s heart was pounding in his chest, the sheer joy of being with this man overwhelming him. He lifted himself upright, wriggling his ass downwards into John’s crotch, feeling the scratchy pubic hairs against his butt cheeks as he took the full length of John’s shaft inside himself. John’s balls were pushing up against his entrance, and Evan slid a hand around behind himself, finding them and gently rolling them to and fro as he slowly lifted himself up and re-impaled himself, over and over again. John’s expression was floating between bliss and erotic abandonment, and Evan smiled to see it. This… this was them, together, finally able to just be themselves, to love as they would, to share their bodies without fear of anyone hearing them or noticing what was between them.He twisted a little more, sliding his fingers further down behind himself until he was able to slip inside John’s body, and then he stroked the tips of his fingers over John’s prostate as he continued to lift his body up and down on John’s cock, the pleasure rising inside him, just as John’s moans told him it was rising in him, too. John’s hands were still on his hips, his thumbs stroking circles against the sensitive skin there, and Evan moved his spare hand to John’s nipple, squeezing and twisting, as he sped up the pace of penetration, watching as John’s expression started to splinter, the three points of erotic contact taking him to the next level of bliss-filled ecstasy. Wanting John’s lips against his own, Evan withdrew his fingers from John’s ass and leaned forward, resting his stomach against John’s until his weeping cock was trapped between them. He could feel the stimulation over his shaft from their bodies moving together, and, as he stretched towards John’s face, he jerked a little at the feel of John’s chest hair tickling against his pert nipples. Then his lips found John’s and he lost himself inside his mouth for a while, the steady movement of their bodies against each other, the soft glide of tongue against tongue, all notching the pleasure higher and higher. John groaned against his lips, and started to thrust his hips up to meet Evan’s down stroke, and Evan knew they were both getting close. After all these days of nothing but exploring each other’s bodies, he was intimately acquainted with how John’s body felt in those moments before he climaxed. He slid his hand around to John’s ear and softly caressed the shell, knowing that brought him intense pleasure. With an incoherent cry, John’s body started to convulse beneath Evan’s. He could feel John’s cock, deep inside him, swelling and pulsing, releasing John’s slick cum to add to all the other times John had come in his body, and Evan felt his joy rising up and up and up, knowing he could have this, he could have John, this way. With a sharp cry, his consciousness shattered into a million pieces as his completion swept through him, his vision nothing but flickering bursts of white light, and Evan slumped forward onto the beautiful body of his lover, all conscious thought swept away in the aftermath of ecstasy.
***** *****

Atlantis, five days after the coup
Rodney gazed around the mess, his eyes taking in the sight of all the people who had opted to remain in Pegasus in the wake of their takeover. When they’d been frantically discussing the logistics of switching their plans from desertion to rebellion, they’d thought maybe twenty people would stay, but in fact, more than sixty intrepid souls had radioed Chuck to say they wanted to remain, to be part of the future here.Rodney had needed to make that decision too. When Sheppard had first said he was defecting, and that Ronon and Teyla, Stackhouse and Coughlin would be joining him and Evan if the IOA pulled everyone out of Pegasus, Rodney had been wavering over whether to stay with his team or not, especially given the primitive conditions on Planet Waterfall… But that had all changed when O’Neill had told them to take the city. With Atlantis under their control, they had access to the gate crystal that could dial Earth at a moment’s notice, and Rodney wouldn’t need to camp in a forest for the rest of his life, sleeping night after night on a camp bed that would hurt his back. He could probably still send messages to Jeannie, and maybe General O’Neill would allow messages to be transmitted the other way too. And O’Neill had even said he hoped that the Atlantis Colony would open trading talks with Earth in a year or two. So it wasn’t as if he’d never have the chance to communicate with his sister ever again. And so Rodney had made his decision to stay in Pegasus with his team, and he was feeling quite calm – even excited – about it.They’d spent the last five days sorting out the logistics of their new reality. Obviously, a lot of key staff had disappeared through the wormhole, and there’d been a need to rapidly close down a number of experiments for safety’s sake, but also to re-jig rosters and so on, so that they’d have people working in the kitchens at each meal, and security patrols running through the main areas of the city.Instead of setting one person up as the leader, the conspirators had taken the path of forming a council in these early days. Anything else would wait on John’s return, but there had still been decisions to be made and the most important of these was where to relocate the city to.A number of people had questioned the need to move Atlantis, but Rodney had pointed out that even with the new ZPM supply – Stackhouse’s team had gone to retrieve them almost as soon as the wormhole had closed down behind General O’Neill and Colonel Carter – the amount of energy needed to repel the Daedalus and the Apollo – and possibly even the Odyssey – was too great to be readily accepted. Others in Pegasus knew of their location too – like the Genii – and, given their reduced capacity to mount a military response, it was deemed sensible to relocate to somewhere new where no-one would be able to find them.There had been several suggestions and Rodney had said that since they had time – the Daedalus had still been two weeks out on the day of the coup, and any other response from Earth would take at least eighteen full days – they should carefully consider the conditions that would best suit the city and her occupants. He and Zelenka, along with Miko and one of the biochemists who’d chosen to stay, had put their heads together and come up with a list of desirable mineral parameters, and then teams had been sent out in jumpers to take water and air samples from several worlds.Rodney’s team had examined each sample carefully, and in the end, there was one planet that was perfect for them. It was in an out of the way corner of the galaxy, was outside of normal Wraith flight paths, had no dangerous land animals – or sea animals – and had the perfect balance of minerals that would keep the city from degrading, not to mention the perfect climate for growing coffee on the mainland.To help with feelings of solidarity in these early days, the entire population of the city had been encouraged to come together in the mess hall for breakfast each morning. This gave everyone the opportunity to share concerns and ask questions and so on, and also allowed the council members to share updates on the progress of various administrative matters. It was Major Zimmerman who stood up this morning, gazing around at these people who had chosen to throw their lot in with Colonel Sheppard and the small band of rebels who had hijacked the city, freely giving their allegiance to the Pegasus Galaxy over Earth, and he smiled to see so many calm and happy residents of the Atlantis Colony. He knew the command staff were surprised at his desire to remain in the city – they’d all expected him to turn tail and return to Earth with Colonel Carter and General O’Neill, but he hadn’t. When he’d originally been offered the XO position in Atlantis, he’d been ecstatic, and that enthusiasm hadn’t waned. He’d gained a great deal of respect for Colonel Sheppard during the five months they’d worked together, seeing his tireless care for the troops under his command, but also the acceptance and support he offered to the civilian science staff, and the open-minded approach he took to the various Pegasus cultures the city interacted with. Zimmerman had been in Atlantis for long enough to witness three ‘Colonel-Sheppard-specials,’ as the marines called them – instances where the Colonel put his own life on the line to save others, and he’d felt nothing but respect for the man. He’d been confused at the tension he’d sensed between Sheppard and Colonel Carter, but as soon as he learned of the great emotional burden the Colonel had been working under it had all made a great deal more sense. He was in no way homophobic, or even overly troubled by the breaking of the frat regs. Pegasus was scary as all fuck sometimes, and having someone to come home to no doubt made things a hell of a lot easier. And the loyalty the troops had for Sheppard spoke to the character of the man. No, the thought of returning to Earth hadn’t even crossed Zimmerman’s mind, and he’d been one of the first to radio his decision through to Chuck. He realised that Major Lorne would probably resume the XO position, working closely with Colonel Sheppard, but that just meant he himself would have the opportunity to assist and contribute in other areas.And one of those other areas was having a voice on the council. He’d been touched to have been accepted so readily into the small group of people who had supported Colonel Sheppard’s plans to defect, and had then thumbed their nose at the IOA’s short-sighted and insular politics and had taken the city for their own. And he felt that he’d made helpful suggestions as the days had passed and they’d put their heads together to come up with the beginnings of a Charter.Clearing his throat now, Zimmerman climbed up onto one of the tables and called for quiet. They always started by asking if anyone had any concerns or worries, and so he did that, but today there were none. People were settling into the new patterns, finding their feet with the diminished numbers in the city, and he smiled to see it. “Okay then,” he said. “If all went well with his mission to Earth, we expect that Colonel Sheppard and Major Lorne will probably reappear in the Pegasus galaxy some time today or tomorrow. It’s even possible they’re already here. Obviously they won’t know about what’s happened in Atlantis, so we’ll be sending Sergeant Coughlin, with Corporals Reed and Rivers to check out the planet where the Colonel’s set up their new home. Hopefully they’ll find them there, but if not, we’ll send regular patrols to try and make contact. In the meantime, Dr McKay and his team have agreed on the best planet for Atlantis to relocate to. The Daedalus is still eight days out from us so, ideally, we’ll wait for the Colonel and Major Lorne to return to the city before we up stakes and leave this planet. In fact, we’d like Colonel Sheppard in the chair when we make the flight. But Dr McKay feels we shouldn’t wait too long, in case the Daedalus received a message from Stargate Command about the situation here, and so increased her speed. This means that, regardless of Colonel Sheppard and Major Lorne’s status, we’ll be leaving this planet in three days’ time at the outside.” He paused as a slight swell of voices rose through the mess, then, as the comments subsided, he went on. “My last announcement is that the trading mission to MY2-936 was very successful, and we’ve managed to secure one of Ronon’s pulse pistols for each and every one of you. A schedule will be set up for you to attend the armoury and prove your proficiency with the weapon, and then it’ll be assigned to your keeping. Any questions?”There were none, although the sound of many voices rose again, all excited about the pistols, and Major Zimmerman hopped down off the table and smiled at the command staff who were sitting around the table eating breakfast. “I think they took that well.”Coughlin smiled widely. “There’s nothing that makes you feel safer than the ability to render an attacker unconscious, Sir.”Zimmerman laughed. “So true. Are you heading out now?”“Yes, Sir. We’ll check out the Colonel’s camp, but if they’re not there, we’ll leave a note telling them it’s safe to dial home.”“I still think we should’ve gone,” Rodney said plaintively. “Sheppard’s our team leader.”“And Major Lorne was Sergeant Coughlin’s,” Teyla said calmly. “They have not seen him in many months, Rodney. And you and I have things to see to here.”Rodney subsided in poor grace, but he knew Teyla was right. He was needed here with all the things that were demanding his attention at the moment. Zimmerman had waited with good grace for Rodney’s outburst to finish. He still wasn’t sure about the scientist, but he knew how much value Sheppard placed in him and so was prepared to be as accepting as possible. He turned back to Coughlin. “Fingers crossed they’ll be there, Sergeant. I think we’re all ready for them to come home now.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Planet Waterfall When John and Evan eventually regained a sense of their surroundings, they decided they should check out the supplies in the other tents and maybe find something to eat. Constant sex left them both hungry – it was something they’d laughed about in the jumper a few times as they’d been cruising through the void for days on end.The kitchen tent was well stocked – four boxes full of MREs and two boxes of power bars. Evan opened the first box and fished out his favourite MRE, digging a little deeper to find one that he knew John would enjoy. They’d finally bitten the bullet and put on some clothes, unearthing some boxers and jeans, before sitting on the rough logs around the unlit campfire to eat, the wind gently rustling the leaves in the trees about them, and the sunshine soft and warm against their backs.“Ahhh,” John sighed, tucking his empty packaging under the edge of the log to collect later. “This is definitely the life, Ev.” Evan spooned his last mouthful in and disposed of his own packaging, before turning sideways on the log and wrapping his body around John’s, one leg in front, one behind, and all of him pressed up against John’s side. He rested his head against John’s shoulder, sighing happily. “I’m so fucking grateful to you for coming to get me, John. You have no idea.”“Oh, I think I might have an inkling.”Evan laughed softly. “Yeah, sorry, I guess you do.”That sat in silence for a while, John’s arm resting across Evan’s shoulders as Evan snuggled closer.Evan was taking note of their surroundings, and the placement of one of the logs around the campfire was puzzling him. After a few moments of consideration, he laughed. “Huh! That one’s for McKay,” he said, pointing.John looked where Evan had indicated and saw a nicely sized log – its bark removed leaving only the smoothness of the wood – resting right up against the base of a tree. He laughed too. Rodney always complained that sitting on stools and so on hurt his back, so he’d no doubt coerced Ronon into setting him up an actual ‘chair’ – a log with a tree backrest. John felt a shaft of longing for his team. It’d been two weeks since he’d seen them, since they’d sat in his quarters the night before they’d all left Atlantis – John to voyage across galaxies, and his team to attend the 'festival' on New Athos. “Think they’ll come visit us soon?” Evan asked, accurately guessing the direction of John’s thoughts.“I hope so,” he replied. “It’ll be hard for them to get away undetected, especially since Carter’ll know I’m missing by now, and no doubt also knows you’re missing. She’ll be watching everyone extra closely. But hopefully they’ll get the chance to drop by – my team, your team, Stackhouse’s team. Someone should come, eventually.”Evan nodded, his hand starting to softly caress John’s thigh, the feel of the denim sending odd messages to his mind after so long touching only skin. His eyes were still on Rodney’s log chair though, and after a moment, he slithered out of John’s embrace and stood up. “Come with me,” he said, holding out his hand to John. “I want to check something out.”John stood easily, perfectly willing to go wherever Evan led. He wove their fingers together as they crossed to the far side of the fire. Evan’s expression had started out thoughtful, but when John glanced again, it was looking distinctly excited. “What are you thinking about?” he asked, curious, because Evan’s expression was now morphing to a mix of enthusiasm and adventurousness.Evan laughed, flicking his eyes up to John’s, their depths sparkling with anticipation. “I’m thinking about a picture I saw once, of two guys engaging in a vertical sixty-nine, and I’m thinking that Rodney’s camp chair might be the perfect spot to try it out.”John eyebrows rose as he tried to envision a vertical sixty-nine… Evan unlaced their fingers and stepped forward, carefully placing his hands on the log before pushing his legs up off the ground and into the air, until the soles of his feet rested against the tree. He was, essentially, perfectly upright, just upside down.John was drawn another step closer, and immediately saw the benefits of the position. His groin was exactly at the height of Evan’s mouth, and Evan’s groin was perfectly lined up for John… Evan suddenly dropped his legs back down to the ground and stood, the grin on his face reaching from ear to ear and making his dimples stand out. “What d’ya think? Are you up for it?”“Can you hold that position long enough?” John asked, knowing from experience that Evan’s answer would be yes. He was already unfastening his jeans, pushing them down and kicking them off, his boxers following straight after.“Sure. I swung from those beams in the jumper for long enough, didn’t I?”John had to nod at that. Evan had unsuspected strength in his upper body, and although John had been surprised at his ability to hold on for so long, that skill had not been unappreciated.“Anyway,” Evan continued, “you can help out by wrapping your arms around my hips and taking some of the weight.” He was naked now too, and John nodded his enthusiastic agreement, eyes wide and pupils already expanding with the prospect of what was to come. Evan stepped right up against his body and drew him into a deeply passionate kiss. It went on for several minutes, and by the time they drew apart, they were both sporting impressive erections, and John’s heart was pounding in anticipation of the pleasure that awaited them.“Ready?” Evan asked, and John nodded breathlessly.Evan carefully placed his hands on the log then repeated his previous manoeuvre, pushing his feet up off the ground until they were over his head, bare feet resting against the tree, his sturdy cock jutting out at a very enticing angle. John stepped forward, carefully positioning himself and slowly sliding his own eager cock into the warm haven of Evan’s mouth, before reaching his arms out and wrapping them around Evan’s hips. “This good?” he asked, whimpering slightly at the sensation of Evan’s tongue swirling around the crown of his cock and pressing against the nerve bed just under the head. “Mmm,” Evan hummed, and John took that as approval, leaned his head forward just a touch, and slid his tongue out to lap up the precum pooling in the slit of the deep red and wildly engorged cock that was bobbing enticingly in front of him. Evan was doing delectable things down below, and John locked his knees to help keep his balance before slowly sliding his lips over Evan’s crown and down, down, down, until his nose was buried in Evan’s pubic hairs. God! It felt amazing to be doing this standing up, and John slid slowly off and then on again, softly rocking his hips at the same time so his own cock moved in and out of Evan’s talented mouth. Evan couldn’t move his head much, so it was up to John, and he choreographed the movements, slowly increasing the thrusting of both his hips and his mouth, sucking Evan in deeper and deeper on each pass, feeling the hidden strength of Evan’s cock beneath the layer of silken skin. Evan was humming, and the sensations pushed up into John’s pelvis, making him swallow compulsively around Evan’s cock which just provoked Evan to whimper which led to another compulsive swallow, and things were getting pretty heated now. John shuffled a touch closer, knowing Evan could take his whole length and wanting to press in as far as he could, wanting to feel Evan swallowing around his cockhead, the same as he was doing. His whole body was covered in goosebumps, the caress of the wind against his skin, the fact that they were outdoors – even if there was no-one to see them – the brush of the tree’s bark against the back of his arms, and Evan’s mouth on his most sensitive flesh, Evan’s beautiful, gorgeous cock, sliding in and out of his mouth. John was lost in the sensations that were building, building, building inside him, and he sped up the movements again, knowing that Evan couldn’t hold that posture forever. Evan opened the back of his throat and John ground his cock in all the way, feeling the tightness closing around his head – “Holy fuck that’s hot!” John’s mind came back on-line instantly, his danger response rocketing into place at the sound of speech where no speech should be. In one swift movement, he pulled his mouth off Evan’s cock, stepped rapidly back to extract his own shaft and swung around to face the intruders, seeing Evan’s legs descending out of the corner of his eye. Adrenaline was flooding his system and his arms were up in defensive posture, and it took a moment for his eyes to accept that it was okay, these were people he knew. A long shudder ran through him as Evan’s hand descended on his arm, squeezing tightly. “It’s okay, John. It’s okay. It’s my team.”“Sorry, Sir,” Coughlin choked out, his eyes wide. “I didn’t think I had to tell Reed to keep his mouth shut until you were finished.”“That is the hottest thing I have ever seen,” Reed defended himself. “How the hell was I supposed to keep my mouth shut?”Evan could see John’s face closing down, his embarrassment rising, and he knew that any minute now, John would retreat behind his stony mask… and he couldn’t let him do that. He glanced across at Coughlin, “Is this urgent, Sergeant, or can you guys give us ten minutes?” As he spoke, he was sliding his hand up John’s arm and onto his shoulder, turning to face John and running his other arm down his chest and stomach, until his fingers were playing in the curls above his cock. John’s erection had started to subside with the shock, and Evan wasn’t going to let what they’d found together be lost. He heard Coughlin saying, “No problems, Sir, take your time,” and he reached up to kiss John. But John turned his head aside, his breathing erratic. Evan settled back onto his feet. “John,” he said softly, his hand caressing John’s neck, the other still playing with his pubic hair, “this is what you said you wanted. You said you wanted to be free to be who you were, to have sex with me wherever and whenever you wanted. This is our home now, and we should be able to have sex freely here. You told me yourself that no-one cares, that everyone knew we were gay and together and no-one cared. Please, please don’t hide yourself away, please don’t shut me out…”John swallowed heavily, the weight of more than twenty years of rules and walls and obligations and expectations and consequences crushing down on him. The sight of the uniformed marines – the uniform that had always spelled obedience and a need to hide his true self away – had derailed his newly found sexual freedom. And then Evan dropped to his knees and drew John’s cock into his mouth, one hand caressing his hip, the other sliding around behind as his finger slipped inside John’s body and ran unerringly across his sweet spot. “Fuck!” John gasped out, jerking slightly and consequently pushing his cock further into Evan’s mouth. He gazed down at the man he loved. Evan’s eyes were tilted up to meet his, his lashes emphasised in this position and his mouth stretched obscenely around John’s cock which was fast recovering its fullness. Another brush of a fingertip over his prostate, and John’s hands came down to rest on Evan’s shoulders, pulling him in a little closer. He was shuddering with need, and the need was fighting against the expectations… but Evan’s eyes didn’t falter, holding his firmly, the love and want and pride in him all reflected in the brightness of his gaze, and John felt the chains around his heart open and fall away. He could do this. He could be this person who got to have what he wanted, who didn’t have to hide who he was. He was John Sheppard and he was gay. He was in love with a man and very much in lust with him too. And right at this moment, the lust was winning as his hips jerked forward again and again, his cockhead butting softly against the back of Evan’s throat. Evan was smiling at him now, it was showing in the crinkles around his eyes, and John nodded at him, his body relaxing into it.Slowly, achingly slowly, Evan slid his mouth off John’s cock. “Okay?” he asked softly, and John nodded. Evan withdrew his finger from John’s ass and pushed up to his feet, drawing John into a tight hug. “See John, you can be yourself and the world doesn’t end. It’s okay. We’ve shed all the walls that were holding us back. It’s okay to be you.”John was shaking slightly, but he nodded against Evan’s neck. And then Reed piped up again. “Hey, I don’t mean to interrupt, but that upside-down tree fuck was incredibly hot to watch. Can you do that again, because neither of you have come yet, and I really want to see.”Coughlin was chastising Reed, and even Rivers was sounding a bit shocked, but Evan started to laugh. After a moment, he felt John join in. “See,” Evan said through his laughter, “they know, and they don’t care. They’re so okay with us being together that they want to watch us.”John turned his head to the side and caught Reed’s very hopeful gaze on him. Turning back to Evan he tilted his head down safely against Evan’s neck. “Want to give him what he’s asking for?”“Do you?” Evan asked, surprised.John nodded. “If I’m going to be me, then I should just be me. And I was really enjoying that.”“I didn’t know you had an exhibitionist streak,” Evan said, his tone teasing. “Okay, come on.”He pulled John gently across to the tree, and then drew him into a kiss, letting his hand settle around John’s cock, stroking lightly as his other hand slid back inside his body with ease. The kiss lasted for several minutes, the passion building slowly but surely, until the pleasure coursing through John’s body had made him all but forget they had an audience. Evan eventually drew back, catching John’s eyes before slowly laying his hands in position on the log and upending his body. John moved into position immediately, feeling wantonly needy, desperate to have Evan’s mouth on his body, equally as desperate to have his own mouth on Evan’s. He slid his cock through Evan’s softly moist lips, groaning at how incredible it felt, and then he had his arms wrapped around Evan’s hips again, and his tongue was out and licking Evan’s shaft. He was vaguely aware of a weird clicking noise, but he ignored it, too soaked in pleasure to care what it was. Evan’s cock tasted salty and John loved that. He sucked gently on the crown, sliding his lips just over the ridge and back off again, and, keeping up that motion, he loosened one of his arms and repositioned it so he could access the crack between Evan’s ass cheeks. Having someone caress your prostate while blowing you was incredible, and he wanted to give that to Evan, right here, right now. His fingers slipped easily across the lube that was a constant at the moment, and in through the ring of muscle at the entrance to Evan’s channel, and he felt Evan jerk as he found his pleasure centre, softly stroking it as his mouth slid all the way down Evan’s shaft, in a long, slow glide. John was gently rocking his hips into Evan’s mouth, pulling his own mouth back then gliding forward onto Evan’s engorged cock over and over again, all the while caressing inside the intimate spaces of Evan’s body, and he was loving it.Slowly but surely, John’s mind floated away, lost in the sensations of being here with Evan like this, being accepted for who he was, having people watching because they wanted to, because they were not just okay with this, but actively supporting his right to be gay and be out and proud. Evan groaned and John groaned with him, the sound waves reverberating around the sensitive skin on his cockhead, and John’s hips started to jerk forward in erratic fashion, chasing his orgasm. The heat was coiling tighter and tighter in his guts, and when he felt that ball of sensation at the base of his spine, he knew he was close. He pushed all the way into Evan’s mouth, sliding his own mouth as far down Evan’s cock as he could, then deliberately stroked Evan’s prostate once, twice, thrice. He felt Evan start to come, his balls tightening against John’s nose, and he sucked as hard as he could, giving Evan the stimulation he needed to tip over the edge. And then cum was flooding his mouth, and the hot, salty, taste of the pulses of semen was so fucking awesome that John’s own climax was upon him. It burst through him in rippling waves, lightning streaking through his veins and overwhelming his system. His vision whited out as he felt the heat of Evan’s mouth holding him, the flat of his tongue caressing that nexus of nerves that never failed to intensify his orgasm. He cried out, Evan’s cock still in his mouth, as his whole body shuddered with the intensity of the sensory overload. He wasn’t sure how he managed to stay upright, his entire body felt like it was made of mush, but he slowly withdrew his finger and let Evan’s spent cock flop out of his mouth, shuffling backwards to give Evan room to flip himself back upright. And then Evan was upright, and he was drawing John down onto the log, so John straddled him, their softening cocks snuggling against each other, as Evan wrapped his arms around John and just held him.Slowly their breathing settled and their pounding pulses calmed, and John sat, nestled around his lover’s body in a sun-filled glade on an alien planet with witnesses to his love-making somewhere behind him, and he felt incredible peace fill his soul. He’d been accepted for who he was, and there was no greater gift.Evan’s hands were soft on his skin, gently caressing his back, and John returned the favour, running the pads of his fingers over Evan’s sides, nuzzling against his neck, slowly lipping the soft skin there and starting to make a hickey. He liked leaving marks on Evan’s body, something he’d been unable to do before, while all the rules hemmed him in. His lips and tongue and teeth worried at the skin of Evan’s neck, and Evan’s hands kept running softly over his back, soothing him, calming him, letting him know everything was okay, and he could be who he was.Eventually John finished the hickey and drew back to admire it. A grin lit his face. “That colour suits you, Ev,” he said, and Evan laughed softly. He lifted his lips to John’s and they enjoyed a soft, sweet kiss. Then Evan drew back. “I think we have guests, John. Perhaps we should go say hi.”John nodded and slowly climbed off Evan’s lap. He was comfortably sore and he wriggled his shoulders a little as Evan stood up. “You okay? Didn’t overstrain your shoulders?”“Nope. I’m fine. You took a lot of the weight.”John smiled, leaning down to kiss him again. “Good.” He turned around then, catching Reed’s admiring gaze and Rivers’ too. Coughlin was sitting on a log on the far side of the fire, looking the other way, but his body wasn’t tense in any way. He wasn’t rejecting them, he just didn’t want to watch.Evan was passing John his boxers and jeans, so he slowly put them on, feeling a sense of rightness infusing his soul. If this was going to be his life, it’d be a good one.“We’re decent now,” Evan called out, and Coughlin swung around on his log, a grin lighting his face as he stood and hurried across the clearing. “It’s wonderful to see you, Sir, and to see you in such good spirits, too. Welcome back to Pegasus.”“Thanks James,” Evan said, reaching out to shake his hand. “It’s good to see you too. I missed you a lot.” His eye caught movement to his side and when he turned his head, Reed and Rivers were nearly upon him. Reed didn’t stop to make polite conversation, he just tugged Evan into a hug. “It’s fucking awesome to see you, Sir. I hated that you were thrown off Atlantis and booted back to Earth. Me and Rivers knew the PTSD thing was bullshit, Sir, and we worked out about you and the Colonel. The Sergeant said he’d known the whole time, but you hid it really well.”Evan thumped him heartily on the back until he finally let go. “Yeah, well, that was the old life, where we had to hide our feelings. We don’t have to do that anymore.” He grinned, shifting his attention to his last team member. “Rivers, I missed you too, you know.”“I’m not surprised, Sir. I’m a delight to any team leader. I’m sure my loss kept you awake at nights,” Rivers deadpanned, then moved in close and gave Evan a light hug, nothing like Reed’s effusiveness, but just as genuine. “We were really bummed that you got the fucked-up end of the stick, Sir. I’m glad the Colonel found a way to rescue you.”Evan grinned, reaching out for John’s hand and weaving their fingers together. “Me too. Think what I would’ve missed out on.”“I got pictures,” Reed said gleefully, “and some video footage.”John, who had been standing quietly, letting Evan have his reunion, felt his eyes go wide. “You… you took photos of us? And videoed us?”Evan squeezed his hand. “It’s kinda flattering actually, John, that he’d want visual records.”“Fuck yeah!” Reed said insatiably. “That was the hottest fucking thing I’ve ever seen, and me and Rivers are definitely gonna try it.”“I can recommend Rodney’s tree-chair,” Evan said, and then laughed at John’s expression. Squeezing his hand again, Evan tugged him forward to sit on one of the logs around the fireplace. “So, how are things in Atlantis? What’s been happening. Does Carter know I’m missing as well as John?”Coughlin settled himself on his own log and cleared his throat. “Things played out a little differently to what we intended,” he started, and John sat up a little straighter. That sounded ominous. Evan lifted their joint hands across until they were snuggly trapped between his thighs. “It’s okay, John. Whatever’s happened, we’ll deal with it.”John relaxed a little and nodded to Coughlin. “Go on.”And so Coughlin told them the whole story, from the moment General O’Neill stepped through the gate to the moment he, Reed and Rivers had departed Atlantis to come and see if there was any sign yet of Sheppard and Lorne. Part way through the retelling, Evan had unlinked their fingers and swung himself around so his legs were straddling the log and he was snuggled up against John’s side again, John’s arm wrapped around his shoulders. He’d needed the closeness, because this was nothing like the plan John had described to him.John himself was feeling utterly flabbergasted. When Coughlin finished speaking, John just sat there in silence. A welter of conflicting emotions were fighting for dominance inside him. Excitement was definitely there – excitement at the chance to retain Atlantis and continue the fight against the Wraith with the best of tech and weaponry; pride in his people, for taking the opportunity, creating a plan on the fly and enacting it with excellent results; and sorrow, because he’d been enjoying the sexual freedom that leaving the military behind had offered him, and if he had to go back to Atlantis and back to being the Military Commander, then he was going to lose that freedom.His arm tightened about Evan’s shoulders, and Evan lifted his head from where it’d been resting against John’s neck. “What are you thinking?” he asked, and John’s eyes met his. “That I’m going to lose you again,” John said softly, and then twisted a little, pulling Evan into a hug as if to deny fate the chance to steal his lover from him.“You won’t,” Evan said, his voice muffled because his mouth was being pressed against John’s chest.John loosened his arms and turned back to Coughlin. “I… I don’t know what to say. I… you guys have done an amazing thing, and you should be very proud of that. If we’ve got Atlantis, we’ve got the firepower and the opportunity to keep on fighting with much better prospects than anything we could’ve done from here.” Coughlin had been watching them closely as he’d been telling the tale, and he wasn’t unaware of the problems that John was having with the change in his prospects. He leaned forward a little, resting his arms on his knees. “Sir, I can see that you’re a bit troubled at the possibility of moving back to the city and having to revert to former behaviour patterns, and I want to suggest something.” His eyes flicked across to Reed and Rivers, sitting almost on top of each other on one of the other logs. “Everyone that’s stayed in Atlantis was made aware of your relationship with Major Lorne. We chose to make that information part of the radio announcement about the coup. They all know that you’re gay, that you’re together, that you loved each other enough to risk jail for fraternising and contravening the DADT regs, and that you loved the Major so much that you flew a jumper to another galaxy to go and find him. They know all of that, and they don’t care. We made it very clear that you’d be leading us, Sir, so anyone who chose to stay, made that decision with the full knowledge that the man who’d be in charge was gay. No-one cares, Sir. So please don’t think you’re going to have to hide what you mean to each other or risk shocking people. You also don’t need to worry about getting in trouble anymore. We’ve been writing a Charter, Sir. A Charter for the Atlantis Colony, and we’ve done away with a lot of the rules and regulations. We only have a small community, sixty-eight people, and that includes the both of you. We abolished DADT and Frat regs within the first ten minutes of considering what sort of a society we want to build. So what I’m going to suggest is that we go one step further, and actually build our Charter around sexual freedom. It’s something that’s been denied to a lot of US military personnel for a lot of years, and it sucks. It doesn’t affect me personally, but I’ve watched it affecting people I care about – these two buffoons,” he pointed at Reed and Rivers, “and the two of you, Sir, and it’s a cold, stark way to live a life, having to deny your own heart. So let’s write it into the Charter, Sir, and make it one of our core beliefs that everyone gets to be just exactly who they are, no hiding, no shame, no fear.” He leaned back, comfortable with what he’d suggested, and waited for his CO to consider his words.John had listened intently, feeling the sense in what Coughlin was proposing. Now he turned to look at Evan. “Do you think we can do that? Put sexual freedom in the Charter and make it what Atlantis stands for? Sexual freedom, safety and acceptance for all, an end to the Wraith…”Evan was nodding. “Yes, definitely. Of course we can. Coughlin said they’re writing out the rules by which our new society’s going to live and develop and grow. We should definitely make sure equity is a founding law in that society.” He drew a deep breath. “I’ve got an idea about the Wraith, too.” He looked a little nervous and John reacted instantly, tightening his arm around Evan and pressing closer. “What is it?”“Do you remember I took the zat from under the floorboards, the night we left Earth?”John nodded. “Well, I was thinking maybe McKay and Zelenka could study the technology and find some way to amplify the beam. We know that one shot stuns, two kills and three disintegrates. What would happen if we directed an enhanced beam towards a hive ship, then fired three times?”There was silence in the clearing as everyone considered that, and then Reed leapt to his feet. “That’s an awesome idea, Sir! That’s fantastic. The fucking hive ships would just disappear!”“Don’t get too excited yet, Reed. For one, I’ve got no idea if McKay can even do what I’m suggesting. But even if he does, I doubt it’ll be a big enough beam to completely disintegrate a hive. But I think it could, possibly, be big enough to disintegrate sections of the hive, and that could mean that it loses structural integrity.”“Two shots kill,” John said musingly. “And hive ships are partly organic. I wonder if that would work too? It’s definitely worth pursuing. If we could eradicate the Wraith, the people of Pegasus would be free to live their lives without fear.” He gazed at Evan, the love and pride he was feeling reflected in his eyes. Evan smiled softly back. It was nice to feel John’s good opinion of him. “So,” John said, dragging his eyes away from Evan and back towards Coughlin. “What’s the plan now? Are you meant to be retrieving us and bringing us back?”Coughlin nodded. “We are, but if you want some more time…”John shook his head. “No, you guys have shouldered this whole coup, and I want to help. Evan and I can be quite useful when we want to be.” He smirked, and Evan laughed. “That’s so true.” His laughter fell away. “I guess we’re going to need to find some clothes.”“Well,” Coughlin said, “you don’t have to, but perhaps it would be better to ease everyone into this slowly and gently. The free sex thing seems pretty easy when compared with public nudity.” His cheeks flushed and Evan realised that he’d been embarrassed to see them naked.“Right,” he said, “clothes it is. You should have pants on when you use the control chair anyway, John. Other people have to sit in that sometimes.” He smirked.John smiled, but then his expression turned serious. “Everyone’s gonna want to say hi, aren’t they, the moment we reach Atlantis?”Coughlin nodded, and Reed added his enthusiastic yes.John caught Evan’s eye. “I think I’d like to have a quick wash in the river.”“Good plan,” Evan agreed. “We haven’t bathed in more than five days,” he explained to his team. “The jumper had no facilities, and we’ve been… distracted, since we arrived here.”Reed crowed, and Evan shook his head, smiling to himself. The man really was irrepressible. “We’ll be ten minutes or so,” he said, and he and John slipped away towards the river.Left to themselves, they probably would’ve been gone for well more than ten minutes, but the urge to return to Atlantis, to see their people, to know for sure that things were okay there was riding them now, so they forwent any more intimacy and quickly washed themselves off. As they were wading out of the river, though, Evan reached out a hand and grabbed John’s arm. “I want to come back here, John, with you. I want us to make sure we have time when it’s just us, just you and me, and no-one else around, so we can do whatever we want with one another, without having to worry about other people needing us for things.”John nodded, he’d felt that concern too. Even if they no longer had to hide their relationship, they were still part of the command staff, and as such, they’d have responsibilities and obligations. He stepped closer to Evan, drawing him in against his body. “We will. We’ll make the time to come here for weekends and picnics and lazy afternoons.” Pulling Evan closer, he leaned down and settled his lips over Evan’s, enjoying the burst of warmth amidst the cool chill of the water. “I’d also like to spend more time in this river with you,” he whispered against Evan’s lips, feeling Evan’s cock stirring against his leg.Evan twisted around and pointed to the other side of the river. “See that tree branch that’s hanging out over the water? I want to try having sex by dangling off that. The water will take most of my weight, but it’ll be like in the jumper. It’s close enough to the far bank that you should be able to stand.”John grinned. “Sounds like a plan.” He could feel his own body stirring too. He was so used to the constant sex now, that any mention of intimacy had his cock twitching and stretching, coming alive, ready for the next round of pleasure. He’d have to get used to waiting until a convenient time. Sighing lightly, John led the way out of the river. They walked back naked, carrying their jeans and boxers, not wanting to put soiled clothes back on.Ten minutes later, they were dressed in clean clothes and ready to go, feeling a bit weird to have boots on their feet and fabric against their chests. “This is freaky,” Evan said. “It’s only been a week, but clothes feel funky.”“Yeah! It’ll take some getting used to.”Reed was eyeing them off. “Hey, Sir, can me and Rivers have a weeks’ leave here? And can we keep the jumper? I wanna try the whole ‘naked the entire time’ thing.”Evan laughed. “You want to try everything, Reed! You’ve never met an experience you haven’t wanted to try.” And as they boarded the jumper and headed for the gate, Evan recounted several experiences that Reed would’ve been much better off without trying. They were all laughing as the jumper breached the event horizon, and John felt his spirits rising. He had Evan, he had friends that accepted him, there was no longer any danger of court-martial or of having Evan ripped away from him. He was grinning as the jumper emerged into the Atlantis Gateroom and he waved cheerfully up at Rodney and Teyla, standing on the balcony looking delighted to see him and Lorne.Lifting the jumper up through the roof into the bay, John prepared himself to be thoroughly welcomed home.
***** EPILOGUE *****

One year later
The wormhole to Earth formed with a whoosh, and John, Evan, Teyla and Rodney all glanced nervously at each other. Then John cleared his throat. “Planet Earth, this is Commander John Sheppard of the Atlantis Colony in the Pegasus Galaxy. Do you read?”“Sheppard!” O’Neill’s voice sounded delighted and John felt the tension wash out of his body, all in one hit. “Can we have video, or are you restricting us to voice?”John nodded at Chuck. “Video’s fine, General.” The big screen behind the control consoles flickered and the inside of the SGC came into view. General O’Neill was standing in the blast window, Walter at his side, and his face was wreathed in smiles.“It’s good to see you, General,” John said. “I hope everyone there’s doing okay?”“Likewise, Sheppard. And yes, we’ve weathered the storm pretty effectively. There was a lot of shit flying for a lot of months, shouting and posturing, and political manoeuvring, but, as you can see, the good old US of A still has control of the Stargate.” He rocked on his feet, beaming broadly and John smirked.“America always falls on its feet, Sir.”“So it seems.” Jack’s gaze moved around, no doubt checking out who was standing with John. “Not that the call’s unwelcome or anything, but to what do we owe the pleasure?”“Well, we thought we’d say hi, General, and make sure you guys were still there. And we thought you might be interested to know that we’ve eradicated the Wraith, so Earth is no longer at any risk of an attack by soul sucking vampires.”O’Neill looked a little taken aback for a moment, but it was hard to tell how much. The man had a great poker face. “Well,” he said after a lengthy pause, “that’s good news. Well done. And thanks for sharing. I’m sure that’ll make a lot of folks feel a lot safer in their beds tonight.” He smirked and John smirked back.“We’ve also got a few scientists who are keen to know if the research we sent through nearly a year ago was ever published, General. And some of our people would like the chance to say hi to family members, if that can be negotiated?”“And what are you offering in return for us magnanimously forgiving you all for stealing Atlantis and seceding from Earth, Sheppard?” That voice wasn’t O’Neill’s and John watched as General Landry stepped into view.“General Landry, it’s a pleasure to see you well.” John had learned a lot about diplomacy in the past year, and he was going to give this his all; Rodney was desperate to know how Jeannie was. “We have a couple of mini-ZPMs we’ve earmarked for Earth, if that might be an acceptable trade. There are a few other things we’d like though, in return for the ZPMs.”“Sounds like we might need to nut out an actual treaty, Colonel.”“Actually, it’s Commander now, General. The Atlantis Colony ranking system is slightly different. I’m Commander Sheppard, head of the colony’s military forces, and I’m sure you’ll remember Sub-Commander Lorne?”Landry nodded. “Lorne,” he said, and then paused. John couldn’t read his expression and clearly neither could Evan if the subtle shifting against John’s side was anything to go by. “I suppose now that you have a new rank and live in a colony in another galaxy, you think I should forgive you for going AWOL with Sheppard?”Lorne cleared his throat nervously, but then Landry smiled. “You caused us a lot of embarrassment, the both of you. But it’s all water under the bridge now. The whole world has gone through a massive social and economic upheaval in the wake of full disclosure of the Stargate Program, and we’re willing to forgive a lot to reach trade agreements with allies who have access to things like ZPMs.”John glanced at Teyla for a moment, just confirming that she was happy with what he was about to say. At her slight nod, he turned back to the screen. “We’re willing to allow two representatives of Earth to come through to Atlantis, General, to discuss the terms of the trade agreement. Naturally they’ll be treated with the highest respect and their safety will be our top priority while they’re here. Oh! It’s probably wise to ensure that your representatives are in no way homophobic or likely to be upset at any of the more unusual practices that are accepted in Atlantis Colony.”O’Neill’s eyebrows rose. “Unusual practices, you say?”John smiled. “Atlantis has thrown open the doors and offered shelter and residency to people from any dislocated community across Pegasus, General. Our population is currently in excess of five thousand and growing rapidly, and I can assure you that there are some cultural norms amongst our people that are not widely accepted on Earth. Homophobia will be the least of your worries. We’ll send through a copy of our Charter for your representatives to read before they arrive. You’ll notice that the first Law of Atlantis Colony is the Law of Sexual Freedom. The others all flow from that one.” His voice was lower, rougher as he spoke those words, and Evan shifted in against his side, his hand reaching out to clasp John’s. John turned to him and unselfconsciously leaned in to kiss him. It came naturally to him these days, this basic human right, the right to touch the person that he loved, wherever and whenever he wanted to. Turning back to the screen, John noticed Colonel Carter walking up behind the Generals. She was wearing civilian attire though, not a uniform, with a white lab coat over the top of her blouse, and her hair was well past shoulder length. As she reached O’Neill, she put a hand on his shoulder, and he reached up to grip it. “John,” she said. “It’s good to see you, and you, Evan.” Her voice was tremulous and uncertain, and John found it hard to offer her a smile. But then Teyla stepped up on his other side, pushing close, her presence reminding him of the need for compassion for all people – and John remembered the diagnosis Carson had shared with them all about Carter’s mental health, and so he found one of his trademark smirks for her. “I realise you’re probably not pleased to see me, but I wanted to offer my apologies for the way I treated you both. My behaviour is unforgivable, I know that, so I’m not expecting anything from you, I just wanted you to know that I regret my actions, and I’m very pleased to see that, despite what I did, you still found a way to be together.” She nodded, once, and then turned and walked away, and John felt his shoulders relaxing. “Well then,” Landry said, “send through your charter, and we’ll pick our very open-minded representatives accordingly. When would you like us to contact you?”“Two days should be fine, General,” John said.As Landry nodded, John turned to Chuck and signalled for the wormhole to be closed. And then he walked, hand still interlocked with Evan’s, to the balcony, and gazed down. The Stargate guards this morning were from the planet Trillia. They’d been culled by the Wraith and had appealed to Atlantis with the hope of relocating their fifty survivors to the city they’d heard was accepting refugees and offering them new lives. The Trillians reminded John of nothing so much as the Amazon women warriors who had cut off their right breasts to better fire their arrows. The Trillians hadn’t maimed their bodies in any way, but they didn’t believe in wearing anything other than a very short grass skirt. Their noses were pierced with the bones of an animal which had been native to their world, and their skin shone with the grease they adorned themselves with every morning. Their unique appearance had caused more than one visiting dignitary to choke on their own saliva. Smiling to himself, John turned to Teyla. “Let’s have some of our Trillian residents on Stargate duty when the Earth delegation comes through.”Evan laughed, and Teyla rolled her eyes, but she made a note of it. She’d taken on the role of Governor to the colony, and she did it very well. Her people had finally joined her in the city, splitting their time between duties here, and duties on the mainland of this planet, where they’d set up a thriving farming settlement that serviced the needs of all their residents. Everyone who lived in the Atlantis Colony was rotated through the various activities that needed to be undertaken, both within the city and on the mainland, to ensure the survival of their population. The Charter had been embraced by all the initial residents of the city, and the refugees from each new Pegasus community who had sought a home with them had been asked to endorse the parameters by which the colony operated – freedom and fairness, safety and acceptance for all. Every single one of the more than five thousand residents were able to be exactly who they were without fear or favour, and were welcomed and wanted and valued.Turning to Evan, John gazed into his eyes. Yeah, he could be exactly who he was here, and he loved that freedom. He brought their linked hands up to his lips, and nibbled at Evan’s knuckles before placing an open-mouthed kiss against the back of his hand. Evan’s eyes widened, and his tongue slipped out to wet his lips. “Yeah?” John said softly. “Yeah,” Evan responded, and John leaned forward and drew him into a kiss that quickly became passionate. John shifted closer to Evan, bringing their bodies flush up against each other’s. He could feel Evan’s body reacting to his presence and, pulling away from the kiss, he turned and started to lead Evan out of the control room, calling over his shoulder to Teyla, “Evan and I’ll be late for the meeting, Teyla… maybe an hour late, maybe a little more.”“Very well,” Teyla called after them. There was no recrimination in her voice, but John had known there wouldn’t be. Sexual freedom meant just that. Unless there was an emergency of some kind, no-one batted an eyelid if people slipped away from their duties to attend to more personal needs. And attending to Evan’s personal needs – and his own – was exactly what John had in mind.They didn’t quite make it inside their new quarters – a lovely suite at the top of the North-west tower with stunning views in every direction – before they were undressing each other in their haste to reach skin. As they freed their bodies of their trappings and pressed against one another, John gave thanks, yet again, for the journey that had brought him to this point in his life. His mouth came down to meet Evan’s questing lips, and then there was nothing but pleasure and the joy of living his life exactly as he chose.
***** THE END *****