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At first, Dean was excited. Dad finally sent him on his first real hunt. It was new and exciting and he got to wear his new thrift store fed suit.
Then Dean figured the case out, and read the diary of one of those nuns. They were murdered by the church for being found together and it made Dean feel sick. He felt that ache in his bones, the flare of being found out.
He had bought a little button with the colors on it, the blue and purple and pink mixture. Dean wore it on the leather jacket, right on the lapel whenever Dad or Sammy wasn’t around. But Dad knew somehow and suddenly he felt like he was drowning.
So he let the only thing that’s been his go up in flames because John knew. It wasn’t his anymore just like this leather jacket and the car and the gun he put in his hand when he was 3. It was never his.
— —
John looks Dean in the eye and says he thought his son would have a family, a normal life and it makes him crack a genuine smile.
“I do have a family.” He looks skeptical, but for the first time in Dean’s life, he doesn’t care.
John can do whatever the fuck he wants, but he won’t ever take them from Dean. They were the first thing that was ever his and no matter how hard he glares and spits Dean won’t let him win. He won’t let him win ever again.
He has his brother, his kid, and his… Cas. He doesn’t need a wife and kids to make him happy. He doesn’t need John. He’s got everything he needs right here.
”Now get the fuck out of my house.”
John squints his eyes and scowls. But he leaves eventually and it’s more of a relief than a tragedy.
Young Dean would’ve been so estatic. His family all together finally. Dean doesn’t feel that way anymore. He gave up hope on getting the family back together a long time ago. There’s only so much a guy can do.
The button returns to his lapel soon after and Sam sees it. And not for the first time, Dean feels emotions run in his veins instead of blood.
Sam doesn’t say anything, doesn’t make a face, doesn’t raise those eyebrows up to his shaggy bangs, all he does is smile, wide and soft, and goes back to his laptop. And maybe for the first time in Dean’s life, he feels like a weight is lifted off his shoulders.
Jack sees it in the kitchen when Dean’s making lunch. Jack’s sitting on the counter even though he’s not supposed to. Dean lets him when he’s not in the way.
“Dean, what’s that button on your jacket?”
He points to said jacket laying on the counter, button on full display.
Dean’s heart does pick up speed, but he can’t blame the kid for asking.
“It’s, um,” Here’s the big reveal. Dean’s 43 and he’s never said it out loud.
“It’s the bisexual flag. I’m… bisexual.”
“Okay!” Jack says cheerily. “What is that?”
Dean chuckles nervously.
“It means I like, uh, men and women.”
Jack nods like he understands.
“Like Aunt Rowena?” Dean raises his eyebrow and laughs as he puts a tray of bacon in the oven.
“Yes, like Rowena.”
Jack smiles widely and it melts Dean’s heart. There’s no judgment, no disappointment. Just bright eyes and hands reaching for the fries he cooked. Dean knows he choose the right family.
Dean and Cas go out later to get groceries and he’s holding the basket, inspecting two different types of peanut butter. Dean smiles when he sees and puts bread in the basket as he walks past.
Cas looks up about to ask the inevitable question of is there a difference, Dean, he can hear it in his head already, Cas’ voice like rough gravel on a sunny day, but he just tilts his head with a strange look on his face.
“What?”
“That button. That’s new.” Dean looks down and he feels his face heat up. He totally forgot about that.
“Uh... yeah.” Cas grins, soft and heart melting.
“It’s very pretty, Dean. Does it mean something?”
Dean was hoping it was gonna be easier since he already said it, but it still sticks in the back of his throat. He swallows.
“I’m.... bisexual. It’s the flag.” Cas’ face is unreadable, but suddenly he’s putting the basket down and hugging Dean.
Cas’ arms are tight around his shoulders and Dean freezes. He remembers to hug him back and places his head in the corner of Cas’ shoulder and his neck.
This probably looks weird to other people, two guys hugging in the middle of the sandwich aisle. Cas pulls back and it’s like agony, the way he looks in the harsh light of the grocery store. Like an angel.
“That’s great, Dean! You know, when I hung out with Charlie she taught me all about that stuff. Do you I think I should get one?”
Dean short-circuits.
“Uh, Cas, you aren’t bisexual.”
Cas rolls those blue eyes, making them look like waves at a beach Dean will never go to.
“Well, of course. I’m gay.” Dean blinks.
“What?”
“I’m gay... did you not know?”
He just shakes his head. Dean is monumentally confused. Cas is... he needs to sit down. So he does. He sits down in the middle of the floor, his boots scuffling against the aluminum and squeaking.
“Dean? Are you alright? This isn’t customary behavior-“ Dean pulls Cas down next to him. He feels dizzy.
“You’re.... gay?” Cas squirms a bit and Dean can feel his leg against his thigh.
“Uh… yeah.”
“But you’ve kissed women.”
“Well, we all make mistakes.”
“So you’re attracted to men?”
“Yes... Dean, are you okay?”
“You have been this whole time?” Cas looks at him and smiles.
“I’m pretty sure, yeah.”
Dean turns towards him, his hair against the edge of the off-white shelves, the colors of the rainbow shining in his pupil.
“Huh.”
Cas turns and looks at Dean, the little curl of black hair on his forehead. Dean thinks about all the times he wanted to kiss Cas, always biting his tongue.
“What?” Dean lays his hand on Cas’ cheek and his irises shine with that sick look of hope. Dean feels like they wasted so much time.
“Dean...”
“Not to be cliche, but please tell me you have a crush on me.”
Cas laughs surprisingly and grabs Dean’s hand. Cas grins and it’s everything Dean’s ever wanted.
“Yes, I do.” Dean chuckles and squeezes his hand back.
“Would it be okay if I kissed you?”
Cas doesn’t say anything for a moment and Dean thinks maybe he just made the wrong move, but Cas just nods and pulls him in.
They kiss on the floor in the middle of a grocery store aisle, Dean’s hand on his cheek, his other on the dirt-covered floor. He feels like laughing.
Cas raised Dean from hell and he finally kisses him after all these years and it’s in the middle of the peanut butter isle.
They pull back for air and Dean doesn’t think he’s smiled like this before. He’s never felt this free.
He doesn’t feel anger or sadness, all Dean feels is that sensation of drowning when he looks into Cas’ eyes. Cas blinks. He opens his mouth to say something and nothing comes out.
Dean grabs his hand and intwines their fingers together, Dean’s ring cold against Cas’ skin.
Dean stands up and Cas follows, face red. They don’t stop holding hands until they get back to the Impala.
He even holds Cas’ hand while he’s driving. Cas turns from the window and looks at him, his cheeks flush and eyes bright like stars.
He squeezes Cas’ hand. Fuck you, Dad!