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The second Yuta saw the club, he laughed.His front tire glided onto the sidewalk. The port was smooth slabs of dark stone, meeting seamlessly with the sidewalk. He angled his handlebars around a couple of people in sparkling dresses, smoking flavoured cigarettes, holding clutches worth more than every piece of clothing on Yuta’s body and his bike combined.A security guard eyed Yuta with interest as Yuta rummaged around in his jeans pocket and pulled out a keyring. His U-lock was rusty, the product of too many nights left out in the rain out back behind his work. His keys jangled, metal on metal, as he struggled with the lock, straightening up eventually with a grim expression on his face, hands smeared with bike grease. His rusty mountain bike pressed uncomfortably close to a motorcycle. The motorcycle wasn’t locked to the rack. Yuta could’ve tried to move it to the side, but seeing as it was probably worth more than his student loans, he decided not to risk it.“Can I help you?” the security guard asked.“I’m here to meet someone. He’s on the fifth floor—bottle service in the swan room.”The security guard’s eyes drifted down Yuta’s body, from his worn leather belt to his ripped jeans, down to his scuffed leather boots.Yuta allowed an evil smile to spread across his face. “I’m the entertainment. Although, his attention span is very short, so I doubt I’ll be here long.”“Alright, well…”The security moved to the side. He was frowning. Yuta shoved his grease-stained hands into his pockets and strode forward, tripping the motion sensor. The doors parted for him. A wash of air-conditioned air thrusted itself over his body, like even the building knew he didn’t belong here and was trying to blow him back onto the street.It was a hot night—probably too hot for jeans, but all Yuta’s shorts were scrunched up at the back of a drawer, bland pastels, thrift store finds, Walmart, Joe Fresh, and Old Navy, untouched since high school, partially because of the way they made his hips look, partially because they were uncool as fuck. With his bleached-blond hair, his black side shaves, the metal glinting in his ears, and the general fuck-the-world twist to his mouth, he could’ve passed as an eccentric rich boy with a penchant for rock fashion, although anyone who really knew what they were looking for would’ve seen through it in a second.He wove his way around a group of men in suits, all gathered around a glowing blue fountain. Most of them were staring at the guy standing in the middle, who was conducting a loud conversation on his handphone. Bass thumped through the floor. The sounds of gambling emanated from down a long hallway lit by a series of dim chandeliers.A bartender polished a wineglass, examining Yuta with a curious smile. Yuta leaned on the counter, chewing the inside of his cheek.“Can I get you something?”“Nah. Do you know where the swan room is?”“Take the elevator to the fifth floor. Follow the hallway to the end and make a left.”Yuta patted the bar mat, shooting the bartender a little smirk. Her smile deepened to something mischievous. Yuta thought about spending his entire paycheck on a handful of highballs at her station, chatting her up until closing time. He thought about the feeling of her glossy lips against his tongue. He thought about the press of her body against his, both fit, both wiry. It would be a good night.“Thanks,” he said, carrying on his way.The fifth floor was even darker than the first. Strips of golden light emanated from behind wall panels. The floor was black marble, the ceiling intimately low. Bass thumped from different directions, discordant. The smell of cigarettes and perfume hung heavy in the air.“I’m so tired of this shit,” Yuta muttered, scratching his eyebrow.A man in a patterned suit staggered out of a door to Yuta’s left. He gripped Yuta’s elbow, lurching towards the elevators, and vanished through another door. The door closed slowly, revealing a glimpse of golden faucets, folded stacks of towels, and white tile. Yuta slipped inside.The soap smelled like pungent flowers. Yuta scrubbed the bike grease off his hands, using his thumbnail to scrape it out from under his nails. He stuck his hands under one of the golden faucets, staring at his reflection in the enormous mirrors, as the man in the patterned suit vomited quietly in the farthest stall at the end. Yuta’s eyes were lined with black. There were chains around his neck. His black sleeveless shirt revealed sculpted shoulders, muscular arms; the result of stacking boxes of wine, balancing bussing trays laden with glasses, taking out bags and bags of garbage.He could leave. He could turn around, go back down the elevator, and bike home. He could take a shower and finish the six pack of Asahi he’d been three deep into when the text rolled in that had summoned him here.The door crashed open.Yuta jumped to the side. A familiar head of thick, black hair, a flash of pale skin, black henley riding up to reveal a sliver of Calvin Kleins. Yuta darted forward, catching Jaehyun’s shoulders before he went toppling into the garbage can.“Hey, hey, hey,” Yuta said. “Yuta?” Jaehyun leaned back against the counter, a smile stretching across his face. His eyes were barely open a sliver. “Is that you?”Jaehyun’s body curved back over the sinks. The back of his head thumped against the mirror. His neck was a corded expanse. His lips were dark red, stained from wine, and who knew what else. His waist, his shoulder, were rock hard under Yuta’s firm grip. Yuta’s reflection prowled between Jaehyun’s legs in their combined reflections.“It’s me,” Yuta said, with some difficulty.“You got my text?”“No, I just happened to be partying at the same monstrously expensive club as you. What a coincidence!”“I knew you’d come.”The toilet at the far end flushed.“Is someone in here?” Jaehyun seemed to come to, head lifting, eyes widening. He stared in the direction of the noise.“Some guy in a suit barfing his guts up.”Jaehyun sighed. “Sounds like everyone in this place.”Jaehyun’s shirt slipped to the side, revealing a sliver of shoulder. A dark red mark marred the expanse of pale skin. Yuta’s eyes zeroed in on it. His mouth felt tense, like he was trying to keep a mouthful of water from escaping.“What’s that?” “What…” Jaehyun blinked, confused, and then a grimness settled into his expression. His fingers grazed over the hickey. Memories Yuta couldn’t see replayed behind his eyes. “Oh. This. It was nothing.”“Wow.” Yuta’s face spread into a sharp smile. He couldn’t bring himself to look at his reflection. He couldn’t bring himself to look away from the mark on Jaehyun’s neck. “You’ve really taken our plan into action, haven’t you?”“And you haven’t?”“Who was he?” Yuta sucked in a fitful breath. “Someone from this club? One of your rich friends?”“Why should I tell you?” Jaehyun asked silkily.The guy walked out of the stall. The door banged shut behind him. He stood upright, an oddly dignified posture for someone so flushed, whose hair was so sweaty, eyes so bloodshot. He washed his hands, pointedly ignoring Yuta and Jaehyun, dried his hands on his pants, and exited the bathroom with a series of tottering strides.The door closed with a swoosh. “Who was he?” Yuta asked quietly.“Just… some guy.” Jaehyun’s voice was soft, but its sandy roughness still came through. “Some guy from the club before this.”“Was he hot?”“I guess?”“Was he cis?”“Does it matter?”“I bet you’d like that.” Yuta’s voice came out eerily soft. “Some cis asshole with a nice, big, flesh cock.”“Fuck you.”Jaehyun shoved Yuta’s chest. Yuta stepped back, leaving Jaehyun sprawled over the sinks. He turned to leave. He made it three strides before Jaehyun’s hands seized his shoulders. Yuta smacked into Jaehyun’s chest. He squirmed, shoving at Jaehyun with his elbow. They both went stumbling into the door.Yuta went slack, huddled to the side. Jaehyun’s body pressed against his hip, his shoulder, sandwiching Yuta against the door, pinning it closed. Electro synth music hummed through a speaker on the ceiling, drowning out the gasps rising in Yuta’s throat. Jaehyun’s sharp, sweaty smell was all around him, mingling with his cologne, and Yuta couldn’t seem to get enough of it, despite how deeply, how quickly he inhaled.“I’m sorry,” Yuta choked.“He was cis.”“It shouldn’t matter. I shouldn’t be mad. It was the plan.”“He was cis,” Jaehyun said, deep voice cracking, “and I hated it.”Jaehyun’s breath washed over Yuta’s face, cigarettes, liquor, and the bite of lime. The watch on his wrist glinted, Rolex, worth so much money, Yuta had stopped asking how much Jaehyun’s accessories were worth after he’d learned how much that watch had cost. He didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to be implicated in something so ridiculous.Jaehyun’s nose brushed against Yuta’s ear, and Yuta trembled.“Jaehyun…”“I hated it. Not because he was cis, but because he wasn’t you.”Yuta’s heart tore and raged behind his ribs. The three Asahi in his system did absolutely nothing to take the edge off. He turned, shifting in the cage of Jaehyun’s arms, until he faced Jaehyun directly. His head rested heavily against the door. The dim light glinted off strands of Jaehyun’s hair, which had probably started off combed back from his face at the beginning of the night.“Did you two fuck?” Yuta asked, barely a whisper.“I tried. I couldn’t.”“Jaehyun…” Yuta’s voice was plaintive. “You have to try harder.”Jaehyun’s eyes were so intense, Yuta was beginning to suspect his antics when he’d first stumbled into the bathroom were partially for show. His gaze bore into Yuta, brow slightly furrowed. His mouth was closed just so, evincing nothing of what he was thinking, dimples nowhere to be seen.“Fine,” he finally said, stepping back. He ran a hand through his disheveled bangs. “Fine.”“Let me go, Jaehyun.”“Okay. Yeah.” Jaehyun nodded. “I’ll let you go.”Yuta grabbed Jaehyun’s shoulders, whirling them around. Jaehyun’s back hit the aluminum door with a clang. Yuta pressed his nose into the bunch of fabric pressed between Jaehyun’s bicep and his peck, inhaling deeply, hungry for the scent emanating from Jaehyun’s armpit. Jaehyun lifted his arm, and Yuta pressed closer, sucking in breaths. A feral, hopeless sound rose up in his throat.Jaehyun was so, so still; as still has Yuta had been when he’d been the one pinned in place by the press of Jaehyun’s body. Yuta’s face slipped higher, lips landing on Jaehyun’s neck, and a tense whimper rose at the back of Jaehyun’s throat.Jaehyun’s week was filled with meetings with various representatives from his father’s company. Yuta knew this. It was part of the reason Yuta should’ve never come here tonight, the reason Jaehyun should be fucking someone else right now instead of making out with Yuta in a bathroom at a club Jaehyun could ask his parents to buy him for Christmas.Yuta sucked hard on Jaehyun’s neck, hard enough that the suction dragged Jaehyun’s skin against his teeth. The tension in Jaehyun’s body broke with a sigh, and immediately began to build again. His hands tangled in Yuta’s hair, gripping meanly, but not pulling him away.Yuta kissed up Jaehyun’s jaw. Jaehyun’s head tipped back, a ghost of a smirk flickering across his mouth, followed by a flicker of something far more helpless. Yuta didn’t bother stopping to examine his work. A hickey seemed humorously inconsequential, set against the sweeping, hopeless desire in Yuta’s heart to lay claim to Jaehyun in some way, any way, just a small piece, as if he ever could.“I’m yours,” Jaehyun whispered, as if reading Yuta’s mind.“Mine,” Yuta whispered back, against the side of Jaehyun’s mouth.Jaehyun turned. His thick, lower lip grazed against Yuta’s mouth. He regarded Yuta lazily, eyes glittering under heavy lids. His mouth quirked upwards into a crooked little smile. The boozy flush to his cheeks had deepened.Yuta realized he was grinning at Jaehyun, so widely he could feel Jaehyun’s breath against his gums.Someone knocked on the door. “Is it locked?” a muffled voice shouted.“I don’t know. I have to fucking piss.”Someone shoved the door. It thumped closed, held in place by their collective weights. Yuta felt around with his hand.“Is there a lock?” Jaehyun asked.“No.”Jaehyun grabbed Yuta by the front of the shirt, dragging him to the side. Yuta’s boots, Jaehyun’s dress shoes clattered over the marble tile. They hit a stall door, sending it flying into the toilet paper dispenser. Yuta grabbed Jaehyun’s shoulders, hauling them around. The stall door closed with an ear-shattering bang, just as the voices outside erupted in the echoic space, no longer muffled through the door.Yuta was ready for it, chin tipped, lips parted. Jaehyun’s mouth crashed against his.“What was… oh.” Someone laughed. “Look.”“OoOooooh,” another voice said.Snickers erupted.Jaehyun broke away with a gasp. “Johnny?”The snickers faltered.“Jaehyun?” a deep voice asked. “Is that you?”“Get everyone out of here. Tell everyone to stay the fuck away from this bathroom until I say so.”“Shit, okay.”There was a telling strain to the person’s voice who must’ve been Johnny. Footsteps filed out. Whoever’d had to pee did not get to go. The door closed once more, and silence fell, punctuated only by the electro synth coming through the speaker, the thump of discordant bass through the walls.“Do they know?” Yuta asked.“Johnny knows.”“Fuck.”“And maybe Shotaro.”“Jaehyun.” Yuta’s voice was strained.Jaehyun pulled Yuta against his chest. His peck flexed against Yuta’s arm as the stall door was wrenched open again. They went staggering, slamming back into the sink. Yuta pushed Jaehyun up, up, until he was sitting on the porcelain ledge. Jaehyun licked into his mouth, deep, wrenching kisses, the kind that started with jaws stretched wide and ended with lips puckered tight, over and over, like they were literally trying to eat each other.“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun said, into Yuta’s mouth.“I’m sorry too.”What they were sorry for, Yuta wasn’t exactly certain. For being so weak? For failing their plans?Yuta pulled Jaehyun’s shirt off. Muscles ripples as his arms lifted. The second Jaehyun was shirtless, Yuta pulled him against him, burying his nose in the curve of his neck. Jaehyun’s hands found their way to the front of Yuta’s jeans.No, the thing Yuta was sorry for had nothing to do with staying away from Jaehyun. He realized, as the word rose up in his mind, almost making its way out his mouth once more, he was sorry for ever suggesting they walk away from each other to begin with. Sorry he hadn’t seen how ridiculous of an idea that was. Sorry to Jaehyun, and also sorry to this thing between them; this thing they’d created, pulsing, clawing for life, which knew so much better than either one of them.Yuta didn’t know if Johnny was good for his word. He didn’t know Johnny at all. He’d met Shotaro once, walking with Jaehyun along the waterfront towards a café, and pretended he was Jaehyun’s friend, nothing more. He didn’t know any of Jaehyun’s other friends. He knew, in some abstract sense, that they were in a public bathroom without a lock.And yet, Jaehyun was so warm under his hands—skin coarse, muscles hard. Yuta yanked Jaehyun’s briefs off his ankle. They dropped to the floor on top of his shoes. Yuta kissed a line along the scar dipping underneath Jaehyun’s right peck, and then his left. Jaehyun’s fingers played in his hair.Yuta caught hints of Jaehyun’s scent, rising up from below—a sweaty, light musk, mingling with hints of his cologne. Yuta made it halfway down Jaehyun’s belly, kissing along his v-line, before Jaehyun’s grip tightened, pulling him back up.“I want to see your face.” Jaehyun swallowed. “Tonight I want to see you.”Yuta nodded.Jaehyun’s yanked Yuta’s jeans lower, shoving them with his foot. Yuta spread his legs as wide as they’d go, bound by the cinch of his jeans. He knew what Jaehyun wanted to do, because he wanted to do the same thing.“Oh god,” Yuta choked.Jaehyun was smirking again—a superficially lazy expression, but there was a contradictory tension to it, the rigidity of his neck, the clench of his jaw. Yuta pushed a finger inside Jaehyun, always so wet, even wetter ever since he’d started testosterone. He dragged his fingers higher, drenching Jaehyun with his own slick, and rubbed his fingers in a circle.“Oooh,” Yuta cooed. “I always forget how big you are.”Jaehyun laughed, ever the playboy, but still—that sense of emotion in his eyes never left; the little something more that complicated his expression, bringing to it a sense of pained awe.“I love seeing your handsome face.” Yuta sucked in a deep breath. Jaehyun had two fingers inside him, no prep, so much burn, just the way Yuta liked it. “I love sucking you too.”Jaehyun pulled his fingers out, lifting them to his face. He maintained eye contact with Yuta as he sucked them clean, and a breathless laugh, which was really more moan, rose in Yuta’s throat.“You taste so fucking good,” Jaehyun murmured viciously.“So do you.”They’d told each other these things before. It never seemed to get old. Yuta wanted to repeat them every day for the rest of his life, like a mantra; a worship. He positioned his fingers around Jaehyun’s clit, knuckles bumping into his pubic bone. It wasn’t a great angle, and the skin on Yuta’s knuckles was dry from washing dishes, but unlike Yuta, Jaehyun had never been overly picky about these things.Yuta jerked Jaehyun faster, watching Jaehyun’s head tip backwards, his mouth drop open. The angle gave Yuta a perfect view of Jaehyun’s pointy little fangs. Yuta’s eyes flickered between Jaehyun’s mouth and his eyes, which were fixed on Yuta. There was so much shame outside of all this, so much torment and incongruity, but in this moment, as they stared into each other’s eyes, Yuta knew there wasn’t one ounce of embarrassment or self-awareness between them.Jaehyun’s whines started up again; little strained things, so much higher in pitch than Yuta would’ve originally expected, falling in tandem with his breathing. Yuta leaned closer, hoping to hear more, and a harsh whimper rose in Jaehyun’s throat.Yuta fisted a handful of Jaehyun’s hair, squeezing. Jaehyun panted against Yuta’s mouth. Yuta listened to the hitch in Jaehyun’s breath, the quivering gasp as his orgasm crested, quick to pop as always.Yuta laughed in disbelief. “You’re so fucking sexy.”Jaehyun seized Yuta’s wrist, guiding him through the rhythm of his aftershocks. Yuta tongued against the side of Jaehyun’s mouth, eyes tumbling closed, only to be wrenched out of his debauched revery by the grip of Jaehyun’s hand on his wrist, leading Yuta’s hand between his own legs.“Your turn,” Jaehyun said.Yuta laughed quietly. Years ago, Yuta could’ve never done something like this—touched himself in plain sight while being watched so avidly. With Jaehyun, it was as natural as breathing. Jaehyun shoved a hand up Yuta’s shirt, twisting it out of shape, thumbing over one of his nipples, still relatively sensitive, even after a couple touch-ups over the years. Jaehyun’s fingertips were smooth, but his palms were calloused from all the weights he lifted, the pull-up bars he gripped. Yuta moaned as Jaehyun’s hand found its way even higher, sliding up the side of Yuta’s neck. Yuta’s shirt bunched up under his armpits, tight as rope.Jaehyun’s scent was all around him, and he could smell himself, too—or was it Jaehyun? He couldn’t tell anymore, but the fact that they were in a public bathroom seemed of little importance, because everything about this moment was theirs, including the space they occupied, their scents, their noises, their heat.“You always jerk yourself so fast.” “You like it?” Yuta’s smile was warped.Jaehyun bit his lip, releasing it slowly. Yuta jerked his clit faster, yanking it at a cruel speed, partially for Jaehyun’s benefit, mostly for his own. His wrist clapped against his thigh, echoing through the stalls. Jaehyun cursed softly. Yuta jolted forward, pressing his rictus of a smile against Jaehyun’s lips.“That’s right,” Jaehyun’s deep voice murmured. “Just like that, so fucking good for me.”Yuta’s moan was wretched. It crested, strained, and then broke off into a deep groan. Jaehyun massaged the sides of Yuta’s face with his thumbs.They met each other’s eyes. “Why?”Jaehyun’s smirk softened.“Why did I have to fall in love with you?” Yuta gasped. “I’m not good for you.”A bolt of pain twisted through Jaehyun’s features.“You have to let me go,” Yuta said.Jaehyun pulled Yuta into his arms.They both rested against the sink. It was a miracle it hadn’t broken off the wall at this point. Jaehyun wasn’t exactly light. Neither was Yuta, tiny as he looked. So much combined muscle—the product of rowing, and endless access to a private gym for Jaehyun; biking to work, hauling shipments, and climbing into dilapidated construction sites and abandoned buildings and generally having no chill when he got too drunk, for Yuta.“I honestly don’t think I can,” Jaehyun whispered.Yuta met eye contact with his own reflection over Jaehyun’s shoulder. His eyes sparkled with frustrated tears. His lips were so red, his skin so smooth and flushed. He looked like a sad doll in the soft lamplight. The line shaved in his eyebrow made him look young, rough. Jaehyun, entirely ass naked, still seemed to suit this place more than Yuta. This place, that mirrored the alien affluence of Jaehyun’s entire life.Still…“Neither,” Yuta said.Jaehyun’s shoulder blades flexed as he rearranged his grip on Yuta. Yuta’s eyes drifted closed, and for a moment, he gave into it—the warmth of Jaehyun’s bare skin, the hopeless desire for him to never go away.“I told my dad I’m not going to Europe,” Jaehyun said.“What? But, Jaehyun—”“I can’t do it.” Jaehyun’s voice was slack and throaty, dipping awkwardly, like it hadn’t been designed to utter such soft, sentimental things. “I can’t live without you.”“We broke up.”“I know. Still, if I stay here, at least you’ll be in the same city. I’ll know you’re out there somewhere, miles away, instead of across an ocean.”Yuta’s heart clenched. For a moment, he could barely breathe. “You know as long as you’re here, I won’t be able to resist seeing you.”“I know.”“Fuck, Jaehyun.”Yuta pulled back. Jaehyun looked wrecked, like it was six in the morning after a long drinking night, instead of midnight—shadows under his eyes, eye twitching, mouth slack. Wan, pitiful, and suffering, like a vampire who’d gone too long without a drink. Yuta devoured Jaehyun’s mouth all over again.Jaehyun moaned, kneading Yuta’s shoulder like he was giving him a deep tissue massage. Yuta’s bare pelvis pressed against Jaehyun’s, pubic bones sliding together. His legs beneath his knees were still tangled in his jeans. His shirt was still rucked up under his armpits, twisted beyond repair.“I love you,” Jaehyun gasped, as they broke apart. He pressed their foreheads together. “I’m in love with you, Yuta.”Yuta nodded. He knew. He’d always known, even when they’d decided to run in opposite directions. Making difficult decisions was different from looking away from the truth.“What are we going to do?” Yuta asked, for what felt like the thousandth time that month.Jaehyun moved Yuta’s head back, just enough that he could look him in the eye. His mouth quirked into a cute little smile, dimples puckering on both cheeks. Yuta felt a smile stretching across his own face in response. He didn’t have the strength to suppress it.“Come home with me.”“What about your dad?”“Fuck him.” Jaehyun sucked in a feverish breath, massaging Yuta’s shoulders some more. “He accepted my gender. He’s going to have to accept you if he wants me to be a part of this family.”Yuta ran his hand down Jaehyun’s waist, thumbing at the delicious curve of his hip. Jaehyun continued to watch him in silence.“I hate feeling like some ratty piece of shit in front of your family and friends.”“Shotaro will love you! They all will. And if not, fuck them.”Yuta sighed. He’d already weathered enough privileged, oblivious comments from Jaehyun himself. He could only imagine what he was signing up for, meeting everyone else in Jaehyun’s life. He thought about unlocking his bike under the watchful gaze of the security guard, riding home, and finishing the six pack of Asahi. He thought about going to work tomorrow, wiping tables down, shooting the shit with Xiaojun and Irene, and pretending like he’d never met Jaehyun, never treaded in these worlds where he so clearly didn’t belong.He was going to have to buckle down, and have some grit, because he already knew what his answer was going to be.“Alright.” He sighed, eyebrows rising, mildly exasperated. “Let’s go, then.”Jaehyun’s smile was bright enough to burn the club to the ground.
FIN