Work Text
I have been sitting on this story since 2019! Yes, you heard that right! This story has been like it is for almost three years. First, I felt like I needed to add some scenes to chapter eleven and twelve, so I procrastinated because I was working on something else when I got that feedback. (Still haven’t added anything and won’t do it now either) Then, with the spread of Covid, I felt it was inappropriate to post the story as there is a flu outbreak and speculation about what they would be facing were it something else, something not yet discovered by Erudite. Then we moved on to a world full of lockdowns, people having trouble finding items they needed and now we are looking at inflation, food insecurity and so on. Did I mention yet that my story also discusses emergency preparedness? So I have been wondering when I should post this until I just told myself to get it over with. It’s fifteen chapters, one epilogue and then outtakes however the muse strikes. I am not going to put myself on a fixed posting schedule but I would image it’d be at least every other day. As the outtakes are not done I am more than happy to take your suggestions on board so feel free to comment or message me. Now, content and story origin:There are real medical problems out there that I have used and abused (slightly) to make this story work.Someone I met through the fandom tried to help me iron out some kinks in a still unpublished story and she got back to me all excited with a summary suggestion.What struck a chord with me was a phrase she used, and I ended up with ‘Stuck in you’ stuck in my head. I emailed her back what I had found, compliments of google, and she replied that it must be light-hearted and more a comedy to make it work. I hope I succeeded! Many thanks to PurpleTypewriter on AO3. Oh, before I forget it: I am using the trope of two issues making my couple perfect for each other again. You have been warned. Shutting up now…
Additional disclaimer, August 24, 2022: some readers may find the scenes of Tris/Four interactions disturbing until Eric gets to the point where he can request they stop being this affectionate
Tris POV
“Tris, wake up!” I groan loudly when Tobias’ voice is disturbing my slumber.“It’s Wednesday and you are going to be late if you don’t get up now,” he tries again, and I reluctantly open my eyes.“Hey,” he says, smiling at me. “Good morning!” “Morning,” I wish with a sleep roughened voice. “Thanks for waking me. What time is it?” I try to crane my neck around him and look at the bedside clock.“It’s just gone past seven, but you need to be in Amity bright and early,” he reminds me and moves off the bed.I throw the covers off and shiver.“Fuck, it’s cold in here,” I complain loudly.I hear a chuckle behind me and turn around to glare at him.“It’s February, Tris, it’s meant to be cold.”“Maybe outside, but not in here. My bed was nice and warm.” I look longingly at my blanket. I bet my spot is still warm.“Come on.” Tobias’ warm arms wrap around me and I snuggle into him.“Hmm, that feels nice,” I moan.“I made you breakfast,” he whispers into my ear.“You are the best,” I compliment. “Are you going to join me or do you want to crawl into bed while the sheets are still warm?”“I’ll change and join you for a bit,” he yawns.I hug him once more and then release him, heading into the kitchen before the bed tempts me again. My breakfast consists of a cup of tea, a bowl of porridge and a chocolate muffin.Sue me, but I am biting into the muffin before I even sit down at our little kitchen table. “The porridge is getting cold.” Tobias takes a seat opposite me.“I just wanted a bite,” I argue, feeling the need to defend myself. “Thanks for the muffin. How did you manage to snag one this early?”“The chefs had a little issue with some dependents sneaking in, we sorted it out and that was our reward.”I drop the muffin. “Sorry, here, it’s yours.” I push it over to him.“I got two, Tris. Eat! You have ten minutes left,” he reminds me.“Shit,” I exclaim and shovel the porridge into my mouth, washing it down with the tea.Tobias is laughing his ass off, but I don’t have the time to care.“I’ll eat the muffin on the train,” I exclaim while already running towards the bathroom. I am dressed and ready to go just as an alarm goes off. Did he really use his timer?I am holding back any sparing remarks and simply put on the hat, scarf, mittens and jacket Tobias is holding out for me.“Muffin,” he reminds me when I move to open the door and it appears in his hand like magic.“Thanks, I don’t know what I would have done without you.” I give him a quick kiss.“Go to bed. I’ll see you later,” I shout while running down the corridor. I make it to the train on time, but I did not beat Veronica.“Morning,” she shouts cheerily over the sound of the approaching train.“Morning,” I reply when we both run to jump into the first carriage.“I thought you were backing out,” Veronica states, eying me while I eat my muffin. “Why didn’t you bring one for me?”“I didn’t...” I start off but it comes out garbled with all the chocolaty goodness still in my mouth.“Chew and swallow,” Veronica admonishes.“Yes, mom,” I tease.“Watch it, I am still your superior,” she teases right back.“Tobias brought me one, I haven’t been awake long enough to have stepped foot into the cafeteria,” I explain.“You’ve got a good one there,”Veronica states, and I simply nod. For the rest of the way Veronica goes with me through everything I need to remember about dealing with Amity.I pay close attention in case there is something new.Veronica is a fantastic teacher and I am glad Max assigned her to me when I chose leadership. The possibility of having Eric train me was almost enough for me to pass on this opportunity, but I am so glad I didn’t.At forty, Veronica is the oldest leader to the Dauntless and, funnily, married to Max, who is four years her junior. Dauntless don’t care about those things, while Abnegation would have never allowed this union to happen.They have no children and she more or less adopted me when we started on my training.Veronica is tough. Looking at her you would never guess her strength, passion and knowledge. She is even smaller than I am, and it was the best encouragement I could get and made me keen to persevere and be the best I could be.She roped Tobias, Uriah and Zeke in for my physical training to show me how to defeat different opponents. Best decision ever! I learned so much and passed with flying colors when my workout routine finally paid off and I established some proper muscle mass and strengthened my core.We are now five months into my leadership training and Veronica thinks I will be done soon, making me the youngest leader ever and beating Eric by a couple of months.Today’s meeting in Amity is a new challenge, one I would have skipped had I been given a choice. “Come on, Tris, we are here.” Veronica’s shout garners my attention and we get up and prepare to jump.It’s only a short trek from the end of the tracks to the compound and we make it in good time. “Okay, we will split up in a minute, but remember - there is nothing to fear and it is mandatory for all leaders,” Veronica tries to ease my anxiety. “This is one of the last hurdles before you become a full fledged leader, Tris.” Veronica opens the door. “Be brave,” she whispers when I pass her.“Please tell Cedar and Birch that Tris and Veronica are here,” she requests of the girl at the reception desk. She looks at us wide eyed and hurries away. “Newbie,” Veronica whispers to me and I nod.Poor girl doesn’t know how to deal with Dauntless yet.The girl returns with two men in their thirties. They look the same, so I am assuming they must be twins.“Veronica, good to see you again.” The first man steps forward and shakes her hand before turning to me. “You must be Tris. I am Cedar, nice to meet you.”“Nice to meet your too,” I reply while shaking his hand.“Hello, Tris, I am Birch,” the other man introduces himself unnecessarily and I shake his hand. “Shall we?” He gestures to the hallway they emerged from.“Sure,” I mumble and look at Veronica.“I’ll see you in a bit. Have fun,” she winks. “This way, Tris.” Birch puts his hand at the small of my back and guides me to a brightly lit office.“Have a seat,” he encourages while closing the door.I decide to take the seat closer to the small radiator mounted onto the wall. Birch grabs a notebook from his desk and pulls a chair out so he is facing me.“First time seeing a counsellor,” he asks kindly.“That obvious,” I huff.“You are nervous,” he observes. “But there is no reason to be. We all have problems that we need to work through. Bad habits to break, good ones to ingrain. Some issues are more severe than others, but I guarantee you there is nobody out there who doesn’t have issues.”“Even in Amity,” I ask disbelievingly.“Yes, even in Amity. It is hard work to constantly pursue happiness,” Birch advises.“So, we meet over the next four weeks and then you sign off on my mental stability and whether I am suited for leadership,” I question.Birch shrugs. “Something like that. Dauntless only demands that I state there is no reason why you should not become a leader. It doesn’t matter what we talk about and how long we will see each other for. We can stop after those four weeks or we can continue to work on any issues you have.”I nod. “Okay, so where do we start?”“How about you tell me what you feel you should be talking about,” he encourages, and I groan.“Should be taking about is a big step away from wanting to talk about,” I declare.“If it was that easy, I wouldn’t have a job, Tris.”I mull this over in my head for a moment.“Growing up in Abnegation gave me a plethora of issues,” I start, and Birch nods for me to go on. “The constant need for putting myself last is still ingrained in me. I know I am not selfless enough to be part of Abnegation, but being selfish makes me feel bad and brings doubt to a lot of the choices I made.” Birch just looks at me, probably expecting me to elaborate. “I hate mulling over my decisions. I do not want to analyse my feelings on how I do feel versus how I am expected to feel by their standards. Yet I keep wondering how my parents would react to my behaviour. I got a tattoo, I bought revealing clothes that show my tattoo and yet I was afraid of being scolded for my appearance on Visiting Day...” I trail off, not sure what to say next.“It is rather common for transfers to need time to integrate themselves into the norms of their new faction. In your case, you went from one end of the spectrum to the exact opposite. From Silence, obedience and helping others it is a drastic change to the loud, sexually open and daring Dauntless. I think you have done remarkably well for yourself. First ranked and only the second Abnegation to ever transfer to Dauntless as far as people can remember. I think we should look at how your Abnegation upbringing helped you in Dauntless.”It is my turn to look at him expectantly.Birch chuckles and continues. “You learned self-discipline.” I nod. “You learned to put your own wishes and needs aside and work hard to achieve your goal without being side-tracked by all the entertainment and freedom Dauntless has to offer.” I nod once more. He is right so far, even if I hadn’t seen it this way before now. “I think even more important is the lesson you learned from birth on,” he pauses for dramatic effect. “You learned to make do with what you have been given, to appreciate the few materialistic items you got, but it also made you can think about all the different ways to use somethings. You have a knife, you don’t go looking for a gun, you simply use the knife. Others will often come up with an elaborate plan and then check if they have what they need to do it. You know what you have and what you can do with it and are able to react quickly and without overthinking. Overindulgence in choices and missed opportunities because they did not react fast enough was the handicap of everyone else.”Alright.“I can help you get rid of the habits you don’t think benefit you anymore. It will not be done overnight, but you will feel better knowing that you are tackling your issues.”“I’d like that.” I smile at him. The first real smile I give him.“Good. I want you to start off by thinking of something you deny yourself because you think it’s self-indulgent. It can be as small as not taking a slice of Dauntless cake with your meal because you know the chefs never prepare enough for everyone to get a slice.”“I like that idea,” I admit. “I tend to do exactly what you said and it really is time I take what I want. I deserve it,” I state boldly.“You do, and it is a great start,” Birch admits. “How are you finding leadership training in general?”“It’s great,” I gush. “The best decision I ever made, and I am glad I did not listen to my initial doubts and gave into my fears.”“What were they?”“I was worried about who would be training me and how my new position would affect my friendships.”“And you are happy with how your friends reacted and that it was Veronica who got assigned to training you?”“Of course, she is the best. We are very similar and she knows how to teach me in order to sail flawlessly through the program. I will be the youngest leader in Dauntless history whenever you sign off on my mental health,” I declare proudly.“That is an amazing achievement, Tris. Congratulations!” “Thank you, and may I just add that I am glad therapy turned out this way and not you expecting me to sit down and bare it all.” Birch simply looks at me. “You’ll try,” I state when I realize the truth.“Yes,” he nods. “I will as much as you let me,” he admits.“Tell me about your life in Dauntless. Your friends, your daily routine, what you do for fun,” Birch opens up the floor.“I like my life. As I said before, joining leadership was one of the best choices I ever made. Veronica is not just my mentor but also a substitute parent. We feel comfortable with those roles and she brings out sides in me I never knew I had. She is a fantastic role model,” I start off slowly. “I kept most of my friends from initiation. Some have jobs that allow us to spend more time together, others I see sporadically because they are always out of the compound.” I pause because I am not sure if I should add the next part, but if Birch is serious in helping me, then I need to ask for help in the areas I know I need them. “I live with Four,” I state and look up to see if he is reacting in a certain way.“He is your boyfriend,” Birch asks the obvious question.“It’s complicated,” I state. “We were attracted to each other during my initiation. He was my trainer. We were ... flirting and getting to know each other.” I pause once more. “He is a boy and my best friend, but not my boyfriend in the traditional sense of the word.”Birch sits up a bit more, looking at me with kind eyes and I know he knows most of what I might tell him, yet he is giving me the choice to voice it myself. Though I do appreciate it, none of the following words come out easier.“We both transferred from Abnegation. We know what it really was like growing up there and that made us connected in ways I find impossible to replicate with others. His childhood was difficult whereas mine wasn’t. I grew up in a home with parents who transferred to Abnegation and wanted to embrace the culture so much, they overcompensated with us children. Well, to get back on topic. We both like the other one’s company, he makes me feel safe and we both like that the other doesn’t expect anything. We love just hiding in our apartment instead of being dragged into the Pit for yet another party. People ... assume we are together and we don’t correct them. We like that it offers us the freedom we seek from well meaning friends who would meddle.”“So this is completely platonic,” Birch asks when I stay silent for too long.“No, I don’t think that would be the right word. We share a one bedroom apartment and we do share a bed. We hug and are affectionate and neither of us minds a kiss on the lips. It’s complicated,” I state once more.“Because of your diagnosis?”I flinch and it does not go unnoticed. “You know I had to read you file before meeting you, Tris.”“Yes, but it doesn’t mean I love talking about it,” I admit.“And that’s okay. We can table it for next time, if that’s what you want,” Birch offers.“I would like that. I thought I was ready for today, but it seems I was wrong,” I state.“I am not going to fail you if you are not ready to tackle your issues, Tris. I need to see that you won’t harm the faction and that’s all. Everything else is a bonus we offer to help you be the best leader you can be. Why don’t we call it a day and I give you some homework?”“I am all ears,” I smile.“First, I want you to do something selfish every day! Grab a notebook and write it down. You need to see that what you consider selfish is something completely normal and not extravagance.”I nod, I can do that.“The second thing I want you to do is look at yourself. Really look at all the things that bother you and pick one you are willing to talk to me about next week,” Birch instructs and stands up. “You did good, Tris. Some things are just hard to talk about, especially to a stranger, but I promise you, in the end you will see the benefits.” And with that I am dismissed and move back into the reception area to wait for Veronica.I don’t have to wait long and then we are on our way after a quick chat with Johanna about the provisions for March. “How did it go,” Veronica asks once we are back on the train.“As expected,” I reply. “He read my file, knows my birth faction and gave me homework.”“That’s not bad, Tris. As leaders we need to learn how to work past our own issues so we can advise our members how to do the same. We all need to be as whole as possible for Dauntless to work. Our jobs can be dangerous and the lives of others depend on us.”“I know, but it feels like the fear simulations all over,” I admit.“Tris, someone very smart who also lives with you once told me that fear doesn’t shut you down, it wakes you up. Utilize this,” Veronica encourages. “Come on, let’s head over to my apartment and raid the cupboard. I feel like baking!”And I laugh out loud because she once more sounds like a mom trying to make her child feel better.“Okay, something with chocolate if possible,” I suggest and she smiles at me.“Birch has you working on your selflessness,” she giggles. Just as promised she takes me home with her and shows me how to make chocolate muffins myself. Tobias is going to be delighted. “Come on, let’s drop some off at the office and then you can take the rest home.”Veronica doesn’t wait for an answer but moves to the door and only stops when she realizes that I don’t follow.“What’s wrong,” she questions.“Max is in an all day meeting with Eric,” I state lamely.“So what,” she snorts. “You can’t avoid him forever. Maybe ask Birch to help you work on your assertiveness. You need to learn how to put him in his place without leaving yourself open for retaliation. Believe me, his bark is worse than his bite. Pity Max decided to train him himself, I would have loved to teach him manners early on. But I got you instead so you won’t hear me complain,” she grins. “Come on, show him the fierce woman you truly are, Tris. Time is wasted hiding in the shadows and god forbid Max decides to put you two together on any projects,” she trails off and I hear her loud and clear. Max will most likely do exactly that.So I grab my bowl full of muffins and walk beside Veronica with my head held high.“Hey, Ron,” Veronica greets our office manager. “Have they started screaming at each other yet?”“You bet,” he laughs. “Started right after Max asked me to bring him your pet project.” Ron looks pointedly at me.“What,” I ask.“Oh, nothing much, just the suggested improvements for initiation that you and Four came up with. I simply put a pretty bow on it and left it on Max’s desk,” Veronica explains.“Oh shit, you didn’t,” I exclaim.“Tris, initiation was bad and we need to make changes for the better. Your ideas were good and Max agrees with me. Oscar looked them over too and he was all for it. It’s really just Eric who did not know we want to make changes and now he knows. Remember, you are going to be Dauntless’ youngest leader ever come next month. Show him why. Let’s go!” Veronica doesn’t wait, but marches towards the office door and knocks once before pushing the handle down. “Hi honey,” she walks in and I follow, closing the door behind me.Max is sitting behind his desk with a shit eating grin when she gives him a kiss and then sniffs her shirt.“Hmmm, something smells good,” he moans and she slaps his shoulder playfully.“I taught Tris something new today,” Veronica teases.“Is that so,” Max easily joins the banter.“Oh yes. You can’t call yourself Dauntless until you know how to bake with chocolate,” she moans her words out and Max grabs his chest dramatically.“One way into a Dauntless man’s heart is through his stomach,” Max states, winking at me, and pats his non-existent belly.“So, did you bring me any goodies?”“Tris,” Veronica looks pointedly at the bowl I am holding.“No,” I laugh. “You have your own. Maybe you should grab it from where you left it on Ron’s desk before he eats them all,” I suggest and Max curses while jumping up from his seat and runs outside.I can hear screaming and move closer to the door. Veronica joins me.It’s not long before Max drags Ron into the office.“Veronica, darling, Ron claims to have no idea what I am talking about,” Max is clearly pissed.“Oh no, Ron, I am so sorry, I thought I left the bowl on your desk. Silly me, look, it was right here the whole time.” Veronica bends down beside the doorframe and picks up her bowl. “Here, take one to make up for Max’s behavior.” She holds out the bowl and Ron doesn’t hesitate. He grabs one and runs back out to his desk.“That was mean, I could have hurt him,” Max admonishes.“Please I would have stopped you beforehand. Give me some credit. Muffin,” she asks as if nothing happened.“Hmm,” Max moans upon biting down into one. “These are good,” he compliments. “Eric?” Max turns his attention to him for the first time since we walked into his office.“No, thanks,” Eric states and I stare at him.“Take one, they are not poisonous,” I growl and Veronica chuckles.“Easy, Tris. It’s his choice,” she reminds me.Eric just stares at me and grabs a muffin out of the bowl Veronica holds out to him. He is looking straight at me when he almost savagely bites into it.“I understand what you said about manners,” I whisper not so quietly to Veronica.Max chuckles and Eric spits out through a mouth full of crumbs. “Fuck you, Stiff!”“Eric.” Veronica has that tone of voice I hear Hana, Zeke’s and Uriah’s mom, use way too often.“Tris, can you talk to Four about meeting with me this week,” Max asks me sweetly as if he wants to make up for Eric’s rude behavior.“Sure, but I am not certain about his availability. He is working the night shift for another ten days and basically crawls into bed when I get up every morning.”“There is no rush. We have another six months to prepare for the next group of initiates. Tell him to pop in when he has the time, hopefully before your leadership party next month.”Say what?!“Leadership party? Is that really necessary?”“Another reason for Dauntless to celebrate, Tris. You will be the youngest leader ever and this time it will stick for all of eternity,” Max gushes at my perceived achievement.“Why is that,” Eric growls. “If she can beat my record, others can beat hers.” He sounds like he is enjoying the fact that my victory is not there to last.“On the contrary, it will be almost impossible for someone else to beat her. Not only did it take Tris only six months, but her birthday is the day before the annual aptitude test,” Max states and Eric looks almost impressed.“Okay, we did not want to interrupt you for too long. Tris and I will call it a day. Don’t be long.” Veronica runs her fingers down Max’s chest and I avert my eyes. They meet Eric’s and he grins at me, clearly delighted to have caught my discomfort.“Tris,” Veronica steps next to me. “Go wake your man and hand over those muffins you made him.” She pushes me out the door after grabbing her own container. “We will work on your skills later. Eric will not know what hit him if he opens his mouth again.” Tobias is delighted to be woken with a plate full of muffins and he happily agrees to meet Max whenever he finds the time to make the much needed changes to initiation. We are both hoping that I am allowed to oversee it this year. Of course we talk about how my trip to Amity went in greater details than what I told Veronica. While he gets ready for work I run down to the cafeteria with some containers and grab us some dinner to eat in the quiet of our home.Before I know it he is gone and I am heading to bed once more alone.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Additional disclaimer, August 24, 2022: some readers may find the scenes of Tris/Four interactions disturbing until Eric gets to the point where he can request they stop being this affectionate
Tris POV
The week passes uneventfully. I am fully involved with the faction’s paperwork at this point, and Veronica promised me my own office by the end of my training.I only have to consult with her when there is something I have not encountered before today and honestly, there is not much, if anything at all, left. Today is the day I am returning to Amity. This time I am travelling alone as Veronica only goes sporadically.It’s bright and early when I arrive in Amity, but of course they are already up and running. “Good morning, I am here to see Birch,” I tell the same girl as last time and she hurriedly moves away from the counter and down the hallway.Weird! She seems more skittish than last time...“Hello Tris, welcome back,” Birch greets me and I smile at him. His good mood is infectious and I am relieved that Dauntless uses Amity and not Erudite or, god forbid, Abnegation, for its counselling needs.“Come on,” Birch gestures for me to go ahead and I walk over to the room we used last week.“Have a seat. How have you been,” he asks while sitting down in his chair and I reclaim the one by the radiator.“Good, successful,” I say with a big grin, and he nods approvingly.“That’s great! Let me her it,” he encourages and I follow through with apparent giddiness.“I ate Dauntless cake,” I start. “I baked decadent chocolate muffins and only shared with Four,” I continue, and he smiles at how satisfied I sound. “I did not feel like cooking and took food from the cafeteria one night... I took my full lunch break, locked the door and read a book.”“Work related,” Birch follows up.“No,” I smirk at him, “a romance from an author before society collapsed, Jane Austen.”“What else?”“I had the weekend off and made sure the alarm was switched off. Four is home at half past six and usually I get up and do some chores. This time I stayed in bed and it was really nice.”“Well, you seem to have made an effort. How do you feel about those things? Regrets?”“No, surprisingly not. It seems when I do something considered selfish on purpose and with intent I don’t have second thoughts. It’s just when I am spontaneous that it happens,” I admit.“And that will be staying with you for a while, Tris. What counts is your willingness and it will come easier to you every single time you decide to treat yourself.”Birch writes something in his notebook and then looks at me expectantly.“And the second task?”“I realized that I am not assertive enough when I am supposed to be, especially with people I am not familiar with. I need to work on this because, as a leader, I need to command respect and it has to be earned due to my behavior and not just by the position I was given.”“We can certainly do that and it is a great way to boost the image you have of yourself. I will give you a list later, but for now I just want you to sit back and listen,”. Birch demands and I relax into my seat.“First: believe in your worth; second: control your emotions; third: set clear boundaries; fourth: pick the right battles; fifth: rehearse; sixth: use positive body language; seventh: directly and clearly address issues; eighth: speak in the first person; ninth: ask for what you want and tenth: learn to say no,” Birch lists off and they are all valid points.“We need to look at the four different types of how people present themselves. Once you learn how to interpret their style you know better how to deal with them. Everything I am going to tell you I give you in writing to go over whenever you need to.” Birch looks at me expectantly and I nod to show him I understand and we can proceed.“There is submissiveness/passivity; passive aggression, aggression and assertiveness. Submissive people avoid conflict and often avoid to address issues at all. They keep the perception of peace but allow issues to fester as elephants remain in the room.” Guilty as charged. “Passive-aggressive people express negative feelings indirectly through actions instead of words. This may include a partial effort or showing up late for work.” Peter. “Aggressive people respond to circumstances by alienating others in a rude, obnoxious or hostile manner. Being aggressive allows your viewpoint to be heard but results in enemy creation and the inability to get things done.” Eric. “Appropriately assertive individuals thrive, especially in ambiguous situations. Assertive people stand up for themselves in a respectful manner that does not purposely or intentionally escalate situations. They foster honest and clear communication and generate results by positively controlling their environment. Assertiveness is a sign of confidence, pride and enables people to feel higher levels of self-esteem.” Birch pauses and takes sip of his water. “Assertiveness is necessary to manage workplace relationships , assignments and ideas. However, being assertive is not easy and it is important to prepare for specific or general situations to make sure you handle them well. I am getting back to our first list now to show you how to be appropriately assertive....”Birch continues to educate me about the finer details and I am amazed at his vast knowledge.“You sound like an Erudite,” I blurt out when he is done.Birch only chuckles at my outburst. “I wasn’t always Amity,” he confesses with a wink. He sits back up and looks at me. “How do you feel about being assertive right now?”“I wouldn’t say overwhelmed, but you certainly told me a lot of things I have to think through and see what to incorporate first,” I admit.“Good, it’s not easy, but a worthwhile goal. We should leave it at that and when we meet next week you let me know how you got on and the next topic you want to start working on,” Birch lets me know and just like that I am done for today. As promised there is an email waiting for me when I get back to the office, but I bury myself in work until it’s time to go home. Only then do I print the pages and take them home with me to read in bed.… Tobias is already awake when I open the door and the smell of chicken permeates the air.“Honey, I’m home,” I sing while putting my jacket and boots away.“Hey, you are later than usual. Everything okay,” Tobias asks, giving me a kiss in greeting before putting a glass in my hand.“Yes, I just wanted to finish a report and then I had some papers to print,” I nod my head towards where I dropped the stack of papers on the kitchen table.“Is there any special occasion for this?” I motion to my glass of alcohol and the dinner Tobias cooked for us. Guessing by the smell coming from the stove he followed my example and used more spices than we normally would. Yes, Tobias decided to join me in working on being more selfish and so far we are both happy with the results.Tobias looks like I caught him off guard, the hand going up rub his neck, followed by a pinch to the bridge of his nose is a dead giveaway.“It’s Valentines Day, Tris,” he says by way of explanation.When I just stare at him he huffs in annoyance.“I should have know you would not know about this new custom,” he mumbles.I set my glass drown in the table and hug him.“Then explain it to me, just like you did with Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years,” I softly request.“Valentines Day is the day of love, Tris. You give someone you like a card stating so, and then you treat your girl to a nice dinner and night out, followed by the best sex of the year. Well, according to Zeke, that is,” he smirks at me. “I thought we could enjoy a nice dinner together and then go down to the Pit for a little while. I want to experience this together with you,” Tobias states, and I find myself nodding before I even made the conscious decision to do so.“I’d like that. How much time do I have before dinner is ready?”“Just enough to freshen up if that’s what you want to do,” he encourages.“Thank you! It all smells delicious and I am looking forward to finally spending an evening with you... You are off today,” I ask, astounded I did not realize this before now.“Yes, they thought I did enough extra shifts and I am back to days from tomorrow on.”“That’s great, I can’t wait to catch up on all that has been going on,” I admit, kiss him quickly and run off to the bathroom.I am quick and even manage to put a nice dress on before Tobias calls that dinner is ready.It is amazing to see what a difference a few spices can make and we are both enjoying a leisure dinner with a glass of wine and lively conversation.“Come on, Tris, ready for the Pit?” Tobias is almost giddy with excitement and it is really nice to see him acting his age.Hand in hand we head out the door and down, mingling with the masses until we spot some of our friends. Uriah, Marlene, Zeke and Shauna managed to secure a table right between the bar and the dance floor.The lights are turned down and some reddish beams flicker through the dark hall.I didn’t notice before now that there is extra decoration up on the walls and buildings. You would think Dauntless too tough for red hearts with arrows through them, but they all seem to enjoy the visual reminder of why they are having another big party.The alcohol flows freely and I am on my second drink when Will and Christina join us.“She lives,” Christina shouts over the noise of the crowd and I just shrug.“I was busy with training and did not feel like venturing out on my own while Four was on night shift,” I state close to her ear so she will hear me.“Well, I am glad you made it tonight,” she shouts.“Me too, it has been too long,” I shout back and the others nod.Tobias’ arms sneak around me and his chin lands on my shoulder. “Drinks anyone,” he shouts, and heads for the bar with everyone’s orders.“Did you get any presents?” Christina is back to interrogating.I shake my head. “I did not even know what day today was until I asked why Four cooked me dinner,” I admit, and Christina sighs.“You will have caught up with all the new customs soon. Fuck Abnegation for being so repressed,” she says with a smile but it doesn’t take the sting out of her words.She looks over my shoulder and shakes her head. “You might want to go help your man,” she motions for me to turn around and I see Tobias and Eric nose to nose. Great, just what I needed tonight.I make my way over to them and step right in between the two seething men.“Tris, stay out of this,” Tobias growls, but I shake my head.“Will you please bring the drinks back to our table so we can enjoy some time with our friends,” I ask sweetly by whispering into his ear.He looks at me, then at Eric, and with a sigh he bends down, kisses me on the lips and grabs the tray with drinks.Once I am sure he will not come back I turn to Eric, who is looking at me accusingly.“Why won’t you two stay away from each other,” I ask, exasperated.“This is none of your business, Stiff,” he growls at me.“You make it my business if you are causing a scene,” I state point blank. “If you can’t tolerate each other then stay away. It’s really simple,” I admonish.“Afraid I will ruin your date night,” Eric smirks at me.“No, not really.” I shrug my shoulders to show I am not really bothered by this. “We had a nice dinner and will head home soon enough. Just wait until we are gone before you start your next fight, and I won’t have the duty to intervene. It’s a win-win situation for both of us.” This time I smirk at him and he growls in annoyance.“Fuck You, Stiff!”“No thanks,” I quip and turn around to leave.I return to our group and Uriah smiles at me. “You are getting better, Trissy,” he croons and I groan at the use of that name - again.“Work in progress, Uri, work in progress,” I state and down another glass amid cheers, hoots and hollers from my friends.“I want to dance,” an already tipsy Christina shouts to Will.They stand up and our friends follow.“Feel like shaking your ass,” Tobias shouts, and I look at him, surprised at the choice of words. His eyes are glassy and he is at least tipsy. How the fuck did he get so drunk so quickly? I search the table for clues and find a number of shot glasses. Great!I down another drink and stand up. Taking Tobias outstretched hand I let him lead me into the dense crowd. I follow him blindly as he is the only one who can see over the masses of people gyrating on the dance floor.I sigh in relief when I spot Christina and Marlene. Tobias pulls me in front of him and one arm sneaks around my waist, his fingers spread wide on my stomach, pulling me close and into his body.I close my eyes and let the rhythm guide us both.“You look sexy as hell in that dress,” Tobias whispers into my ear. “I don’t think I have told you this before now,” he continues and I open my eyes in surprise by his boldness.First, I feel hot breath and then his lips on my neck and tilt my head to the side to give him better access. “Hmmm, that’s nice,” I moan in delight.Christina catches my eye and winks while Marlene turns around to Uriah and they basically hump each other on the dance floor.I don’t know how long it has been until Tobias moves his lips close to my ear again.“Let’s head back home,” he murmurs just loud enough for me to hear and releases his hold on my stomach, grabbing my hand instead and we both wave at our friends.On the way out we pass multiple couples who look close to having sex against the walls, and I am not surprised to see Eric being one of them. How he manages to find a new girl every time I see him is beyond me. For the briefest of moments I wonder what his trick is, as it can’t be that charm and sunny disposition of his. Tobias’ leads me up to our apartment faster than one would think possible for me with heels. I am heading straight for the bathroom while he throws himself on the bed.I really don’t take longer than three minutes, but when I open the door I am greeted with snoring and the view of Tobias lying only clad in his boxers on top of the duvet.With a deep sigh I put my pajama on and manage to move him enough that I can pull the covers over both of us.I snuggle into his always hot frame and even in his sleep he puts his arms around me and holds me close. With one last contented sigh I close my eyes and let sleep claim me.… The alarm is beyond annoying when it blares way too early for my liking at seven in the morning. Next to me Tobias whines and groans, but doesn’t open his eyes until he feels the cold creep under the blanket when I lift it in order to get out of bed.“No, Tris, come back here and cuddle with me,” he pouts.“I have to get ready for work and so do you. Maybe this weekend,” I suggest an alternative, but the pouting doesn’t stop.“Come on, you are finally back on dayshift. Don’t go pissing your supervisor off, you might end back on the night shift,” I warn.“I am the supervisor,” he moans.“Then get up and make sure your minions show up to work on time after the party last night,” I admonish and he groans at the memory.“Sorry for falling asleep on you.” Tobias finally opens his eyes and looks at me innocently.“Nice try, buddy. Come on, we can have breakfast in the cafeteria and then you can drop me off at work,” I tease.“Fine,” he grumbles and throws the covers off.I am laughing all the way to the kitchen when I hear him curse on his way to the bathroom.It doesn’t take us long to dress and head out to the cafeteria where we find a tired looking Uriah and Zeke without any of the girls.“Hangover,” I simply ask and they both nod.I take pity on them and announce I will get them something to eat. I kiss Tobias’ bent head and grab a tray. Moving down the line, I stack four plates and pile eggs, bacon and sausage on top before grabbing glasses of orange juice. I am just trying to fit four cups of coffee onto the overflowing tray when I hear a mix between grunt and snort next to me. I look sideways and see a bleary eyed Eric standing next to me, impatiently waiting for his turn.“Are you alright,” I ask in the sweetest voice I can muster.“Don’t tell me you don’t have a hangover,” he pointedly looks at my tray.“Actually, I am the only one who doesn’t. Are you okay,” I ask, and gently touch the dark skin around his eyes without conscious thought.Eric’s head rears back as if I burned him.“Don’t touch me,” he growls.I just shrug my shoulders, grab my tray and head back to the guys who luckily are still sitting with their head down on the cold table.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Additional disclaimer, August 24, 2022: some readers may find the scenes with Tris/Four interactions disturbing until Eric gets to the point where he can request they stop being this affectionate
A good part of this chapter consists of Birch giving Tris a lecture about her fear of losing control. If you want to skip it scroll down to the last part, you won’t miss that much. At the time that I wrote this I did a deep dive in all the topics because I wanted to write some of her session and found the theme interesting. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, I didn’t save the source when I added it to the document or it simply vanished with the transfer from my earlier system into the word document I used. Kind of like fanfiction making it really hard to add links or even hinting a links.As this is rather short I am adding chapter 4 as well.
Tris POV
The rest of the week until my next appointment passes in a more relaxed fashion. Tobias and I finally catch up with each other and enjoy some leisurely evenings at home. Work has settled in a routine that could almost be considered boring, but I kind of like the almost predictability of my days.Eric and I avoid each other for most of the time, but manage to be cordial enough to not raise eyebrows when we have to interact with each other.I am still spending time with Veronica, but not as much as I used to.The third Wednesday in February dawns on a cold morning and once more I make the trek to Amity on my own. The receptionist is still the same skittish girl and she only ever relaxes around me when Birch is present. I take my usual seat and wait for him to grab his notebook and join me.“You seem eager this morning.”“Yes,” I beam at him. “I feel rather accomplished,” I state.“Let’s hear it,” he motions for me to continue.“I am getting really good at doing things for myself, just because I want to. Four decided to join me and it is really good for both of us to see the other one succeed.” Birch nods and I continue. “I also think I have been more assertive. I made sure to show my knowledge and the amount of research done came through for my last report about initiation. I am even finding my own way of dealing with Eric. I don’t have to do it on a daily basis yet, but so far I have been able to hold my own,” I state proudly.“It’s not about winning, Tris, but to be able to stand up for yourself and get your point across the right way.”“I know that, but I have dreaded every interaction with Eric since I set foot in Dauntless and he is losing the fear factor,” I explain.“Very well. What did you choose as today’s topic?”A loaded question! I sigh deeply and look up at Birch through half lidded eyed.“Can we tackle my fear of losing control before we move on to my file,” I ask tentatively.“If that’s what you want, then yes,” Birch replies and I sigh in relief.“To tackle the fear, we first need to understand it. What it represents and what you are able to do. Again, I will send you all the information later. It is a lot, but if we do this right you will be able to help others with the same issues. Not everyone chooses to have counselling or seeks advice, it doesn’t mean you can’t offer help on your own accord.” Birch takes another sip from his water before leaning back into a comfortable position, indicating he has a long speech coming.“One of the most prevalent fears people have is that of losing control. This is the fear where you feel as if you don't manage to control the outcome of future events, something terrible will happen. People who are chronic sufferers from such losing-control anxiety keep themselves continuously in a heightened state of stress with only brief, unsatisfying intermissions between fears.”Birch takes a few more sips of water.“The crux of the problem is the demand for certainty in a world that is always tentative and uncertain. It is precisely this unrealistic demand that creates the anxiety. You think that you must accurately predict and manage the future, not just have some probabilistic and uncertain handle on it,” Birch explains and I nod. “So, more often than not, people with losing-control anxiety are perfectionists. They demand perfect certitude, or near perfect certitude, and when they don't get it, they worry and ruminate about it. This is a formula for a rollercoaster ride that never ends until, of course, you die.”Jesus, that sounds like a very stressful life. I really don’t want that but am I really that bad? I don’t feel like a perfectionist but maybe I may have the tendency to become one?“So, the key to controlling your losing-control anxiety is letting go of your demand for certainty. In other words, giving up your unrealistic perfectionism about reality. Facing the inherent and unavoidable uncertainty of the future can indeed seem formidable, if you demand certainty. But letting go of this demand is the key to letting go of your fear. If you don't have to control the outcome; if you do not expect to predict with certainty what is by its nature uncertain; if you do not expect to solve a contradiction; then you are free to relax.”Birch poses to make sure I look him straight in the eye.“It is this contradiction between the demand for certainty and the reality of uncertainty that will continuously play out again and again without resolution, unless you give up the demand for certainty. It is you who must concede; reality won't ever give up its uncertainty for you. Existentialists refer to this state of letting go as confronting your angst. It is about accepting responsibility, not for the future, but for the choices you freely make about the future. What is in your power, Tris? You have the power to say, ‘I won't fear the future.’ You have the power to say, ‘I won't resign myself to living a life of fear.‘ You always have the power to say, ‘No more!’ to such a life. You need to be realistic, Tris, because what you don't have the power to do is to be omniscient. You don’t have eyes in back the of your head nor can you see all-knowingly into the future. If you are religious, then recognizing this desire for omniscience should appear to you as blasphemy because you are a mortal feigning godliness. If you are not especially religious, or if you are an atheist or an agnostic, then you are robbing yourself of your earthly happiness, the only opportunity for happiness you may ever have.”Birch pauses once more to empty his glass while I reflect on what he just said. Maybe hearing all this will already help my mind come to terms with things?Birch continues before I can come to my own conclusions.“This is not to say that you do not bear responsibility for the things that are clearly in your control. But what is in your control and what is not? Stoic thinker Epictetus gave us an answer to this question. He said that mental attitudes such as desires, hopes, wishes, and preferences are generally in your control while external things, including whether you get the approval of others, are not. You can indeed try to get the approval of others, or to change the course of the future in this or that way. You can also prefer that you succeed, and you can make reasonable judgments about the future. But none of this is identical to accurately predicting or altering the future. There is an indelible gap, and for the person who demands certainty, this gap is felt with deep visceral fear. This fear will not go away even when you are inebriated or tranquilized, for there is always the future, with its uncertainty, which bleeds through the flimsy veneer of all such makeshift, temporary hiding places. Tranquility is not an option unless you let it be. But don't you have to take reasonable precautions? Don't you have to work within the limits of probability to make rational choices? Don't you have to make choices based on the evidence before you? Yes, this is exactly where your freedom over the future lies. But this does not build a bridge of certitude across the divide between now and then. It is not a time machine that lets you go forward in time, find out the future, and adjust the present to accommodate the future. But even such a time machine couldn't avoid this gap. Even if you knew the future, you couldn't make your decisions now based on that future without, in turn, potentially changing that future. Let's say your time travel shows you how your marriage ends in divorce forty years down the road. Maybe you decide to divorce your husband in the present day so as to avoid a tragic ending to your marriage forty long years from now. But then you still don't know how things ultimately turn out because you have now changed the present, which will somehow affect the future. Instead, suppose you discover in your time travels that your marriage works out in the future, so you decide to remain married in the here and now. But then you have still made a decision that could affect the outcome in the future. Do you now avoid going to counseling because you are certain that your marriage will succeed? But in fact, this has become something of which you no longer can be sure, because you have now changed the conditions of that future. Thus, you cannot avoid the inevitability of living in a world of uncertainty, even if you had a time machine! How do you live in such a world without experiencing losing-control anxiety? You give up demanding certainty. But how do you do that? The answer to this lies in the cultivation of courage. Attaining serenity is possible only if you face the uncertainty of the future with courage. This means refusing to cave to the fear of uncertainty, forcing yourself to walk away from your rumination and worry, and to do something constructive with your life. It means having the courage to accept yourself as inherently flawed, as part of a universe that offers no guarantees, and as a being that lives imperfectly in this imperfect universe. Courage is not an extreme. It is neither blind fearlessness nor cowardice. It is, as Aristotle says, a mean lying between these excesses. If there is a truck rapidly approaching, it is not courage to fearlessly attempt to cross the road. But if there is no sign of a truck, it is self-defeating to be afraid, even if there are no guarantees that a truck will not suddenly appear. Blind fearlessness will get you killed while cowardice will keep you from living. Either way, you won't get across the proverbial streets of life. In contrast, courage involves looking both ways, making a reasonable, albeit never certain, judgment that you can proceed, and then doing so. Courage requires practicing this delicate balance, or golden middle, between being too afraid and not being afraid enough. It is only through such practice that you can acquire a habit of moderating your fear, which is exactly what being courageous is. There is no algorithm for calculating this golden middle. But there is, luckily, rational judgment grounded in evidence. Are you still with, Tris?”I blink at Birch and nod cautiously.“It’s okay to zone out. I know this is a lot and you will have to read through it all more than once. As your counsellor I have to go through it with you and we can talk about it again next time. There are no time limits but the material is complex, just like the issue itself. If there was a quick fix you would have been told by now. Ready for a little bit more?”I nod while trying unsuccessfully to suppress a yawn.“To overcome your fear of losing control, you can push yourself to act on the evidence, without demanding certainty, or in spite of your fear of the uncertainty. You can make a habit of this, not always and perfectly, but for the most part you should resign yourself to live by probabilities, not by guarantees. You must accept yourself as an imperfect being who is inherently subject to making mistakes about the future. It is important to stop worrying and ruminating now, not later. All these things really are in your control,Tris. Utilise them.” Birch stops once more and gets up to refill his water which he promptly downs.“So, I have already started on getting past my fear,” I ask quietly.“Yes, I would like to think so, Tris. You were afraid of what happens after initiation. Would you succeed and become a member or be cut and live factionless. The fact that you succeeded already eliminated a lot of your anxiety. You decided to choose leadership despite being afraid of how your friends might react and they all showed they truly are your friends. Once more you chose leadership despite your fear of getting stuck with Eric as your trainer, but you were willing to even deal with him on a daily basis if it meant getting where you wanted to go. So I really think you are almost past this fear, but being aware is the best push you can ever get to fully embrace what the future holds for you.”“Thank you,’ I state honestly. “I did not want to come here, and I now see how misguided that notion was. You are helping me gain as much control as possible of my live and so far the insight you provided is invaluable,” I gush and he smirks.“Not everyone is as open to change as you are, Tris. But remember, we still have more to tackle.” My smile crumbles and it’s Birch’s turn to sigh. “I am not the enemy, Tris. I am the guiding hand helping you become better until you heal yourself.”Birch looks at the clock and groans.“Okay, we are done for today. Over the next week I want you to keep up the good work and consciously work on everything that needs changing. Remember, it takes time and practice and that’s what you’ll have.”He rises off his chair and offers a hand to help me up. I take it and smile in thanks.“Take care, Tris, and I will see you next week.”… And with that I am lead out the door, I walk past the receptionist and make my way to Johanna’s office.Veronica delegated and gave me her morning meeting as I was already here.Johanna greets me enthusiastically and we get the issue of additional trains for the upcoming season sorted rather quickly.“I can see from your face that you are aware this could have been sorted with a simple email or phone call,” Johanna starts and I look at her in surprise. “Birch contacted me and Veronica and asked us if it was okay if I were to meet with you in my capacity as a trained counsellor instead of him,” she starts, and I can’t deny it hurts that they went behind my back.“As you know by now, Birch had to read your whole file and so did Veronica. He felt that you might be more comfortable talking to me when your fourth session with him concludes as we will enter a more delicate matter. We know you want lo leave the Abnegation behind, but there are some topics us females are more comfortable discussing with our own gender,” she softly states. “So, I wanted to offer you the choice, Tris. You can conclude your meeting with Birch next week without ever touching on your file, you can continue to see Birch and work on all your issues, or you can do it with me,” she offers.Okay, I did not see this coming. There is merit to what she is telling me and although I felt betrayed at first, I understand where they are coming from.“Can I think about this for a little while? Some of it doesn’t even involve my own issues,” I admit and I can see this admission is something Johanna did not expect.“You certainly can. Sleep about it, and whenever you make a decision you can simply tell Veronica or email either Birch or me,” Johanna concludes.“Thank you,” I state. “For the offer and opportunity,” I elaborate.“Don’t think anything of it, child. We all have our cross to bear, some are just more obvious,” she points to her face, “than others.”
I have a lot to think about and the way home is not long enough to do so.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Tris POV
Another week gone like the wind. Time flew and here I am again, on the train to Amity, but this time with Veronica in tow. She is here to receive my evaluation when my last meeting with Birch concludes and then she will bring me to see Max before we head over to Tori's. "Good morning, Tris," Birch greets me in the lobby while Cedar hugs Veronica."Come on back," he invites, and I follow him back into his office."How was your week?" The cheeky bastard has the audacity to pretend everything is normal."Rather interesting," I state, laying out the bait."Do tell,” he says, falling right into my trap."Oh, you know, Johanna gave me a lot to think about. Do I want to see you again. Do I actually want to talk to you? Are my issues too sensitive for a man to deal with? Just the standard questions when you meet a faction leader," I cheekily reply."Well, will I be seeing you again. Tris?""Oh, I will stop by to say 'hello' whenever I pass, but I will be taking Johanna's offer. Thank you," I state with meaning."Well, if you ever need a male perspective, you know where to find me," he teases."I wouldn't hold my breath," I state."I wouldn't dare to," he teases. "But all this aside, how did it go this week? Any improvements," he asks.I shrug. "It wasn't much now that I know what to do and look out for. I am seasoning my food more, I eat something with chocolate at least once a day, I am sleeping in when I can and I decided to have at least two nights where I don't do any work at all at home. No cooking, no cleaning, just something that I will enjoy instead. I read two books, I added some color to our apartment... oh, and I was able to spend a few minutes each day around Eric without showing negative feelings." I am immensely proud of that last one as it had cost the most self discipline on my part."That's good! Do you feel like you are equipped to keep progressing?""Yes, definitely," I state with conviction."Well, then I don't feel like there is anything speaking against you claiming the honour of becoming Dauntless’ youngest leader in faction history," Birch states and hands me two envelopes. One is addressed to me and the other to Veronica and Max."Congratulations, Tris." Birch stands up, walks over and gives me a big hug. "I have no doubt I will see you achieve great things in your future.”“Thank you!”“Come on, let me guide you out one last time and then you can go celebrate.”…"I can't wait for you to receive your stripes, Tris," Veronica gushes on the way back. "I knew you would be an amazing addition to the team the moment you decided to jump first. When Max told me about the little Abnegation girl I had a feeling we hadn't seen the last of you, and look at you now! My, how much you have grown. I am so fucking proud of you," Veronica states in all earnesty."Thank you, I hope I will be able to live up to your high expectations," I quip and she laughs."I have a feeling this is just the beginning and we have seen nothing yet.""Thanks to Birch that might be true," I admit. "He had similar sentiments," I add."Trust your counsellor," Veronica advises with a chuckle. "So far those fuckers have been spot on with everything they ever told me,” she admits almost reluctantly."Now, let's go over what you can expect for the rest of this day..."… Time flies and we are back at the compound before I feel ready.This is it! Come tonight I will be a full fledged leader.Max was expecting us, his door is wide open and Veronica doesn't hesitate to walk straight while I follow her quickly.Max just looks at his beaming wife and he comes around the desk to hug me."Congratulations, Tris. Have a seat." He gestures to the chairs in front of his desk and moves on to close the door."Here," he pushes a folder towards me. "This is your certificate and a list of benefits. The contract that you will be bound to. It's nothing you haven't gone over with Veronica before. Have a looks and then we'll all have to sign it before we can head to Tori's."Max is really giddy at the mention of Tori's and I look at Veronica as a way of explanation."He gets a new tattoo for every new leader under his command receiving his or her leadership bars.""Oh," I exclaim without meaning to."Yes, and I have been saving this beauty for today," Max states while grabbing a sketch from a drawer.“It’s beautiful, what is it,” I can’t help but ask.“A Celtic knot,” Max beams. “It’s a symbol for the circle of life. There is no end or beginning, it just keeps going on and on. There are different versions of it, depicting a more specific interconnection, but I liked the idea of continuity, the endlessness of nature and an uninterrupted cycle of life.” He smiles at me indulgently. “I think I always knew you were coming and saved it for this day without conscious thought,” he continues, and I look at him perplexed.“You are too much like your mother, Tris, even if you look like your father. She was my best friend growing up, and believe it or not, I still think that she was the one responsible for her big sister taking a chance on me, no matter how much both of them deny it.” He looks at Veronica. “So you see, for me it was always just a matter of time until one of Natalie’s offspring returned to Dauntless. The perfect circle,” he ends and I can feel moisture pool in my eyes.“I didn’t know...” I stammer and Veronica comes over to hug me.“We did not want to seem biased so we decided to not tell you in case the Abnegation side in you was too strong. We wanted you to join leadership, but we learned our lesson from Tobias’ refusal,” Veronica explains.“Well, now I feel like I need to get that tattoo myself,” I mutter and they both laugh.“Feel free to do so, but I would recommend waiting until you forget about your leadership tattoo... it does take the joy out of it for a while,” Max states with a serious look on his face.“Let’s get the paperwork out of the way,” Veronica urges, bringing us back on topic and I look through the documents in front of me. It really is all that I have gone through already and just an acknowledgment of the oaths I took and repercussions for neglecting my duty.The list of benefits is a bit of a surprise as there are some things I did not expect to find. There are the usual topics of housing and salary, but also some benefits tied to conditions. Depending on my family status I might face temporary deployment outside the compound, but I will be compensated with additional points, extra time off and preferential treatment when the next assignment outside Dauntless comes up. There might be some mandatory activities and meetings I have to attend and those will be compensated in time off or additional points. It all comes down to being rewarded for extra work.“This is just a formality, Tris. It’s more to assure you that you will be overlooked for some assignments more often when you have children,” Veronica elaborates without being asked to.“Can I talk to Four before we move ahead with the new apartment? I just finished decorating,” I add sheepishly to distract them from the real reason.“Tris, leadership apartments are part of the deal you signed up for. It is for the added security we must provide our leaders and it’s also good for us to be together. The apartments are spacious and when you decide to extend your family you won’t have to move.”I know Max means well, but I do feel a sting when he tells me this.“But what happens to Four? If he doesn’t want to move, does that mean I have to move alone,” I ask, and I can see the sudden realization in their eyes.“Why don’t we take a little bit of time to think through all the available options. Today is a day of celebration and not worrying about procrastination,” Max declares, and I sigh in relief.I am signing the papers and Max and Veronica promptly do the same.“Just out of curiosity... why is it just the two of you,” I can’t help but ask. I don’t mind that Eric and Oscar are not here, but that doesn’t stop me from wondering if there is a reason for it.“Oh, we learned in the past that it is not necessary to have all leaders present just for the signing of the documents and the tattoo. The presentation is where we will show a united front. It is usually the honor of the trainer to present the latest leader together with the head of leadership, and we decided to go ahead and do everything with you,” Max explains once more and I feel bad about asking so many questions until I remind myself that I am entitled to ask questions. This is my life, my future. I decide where I can.“Come on, let’s go!” Max gets up and Veronica has to remind him to grab his sketch as he left it behind in his haste.“And that’s why I love you,” he croons at her, and even I have to chuckle at how cheesy he apparently can be.…Two hours later I just want to get drunk enough to forget this day, but of course I won’t be allowed to. Tori applied a generous amount of healing salve, but, call it phantom pain if you like, it still feels like the needle is drilling into my flesh. It’s finally five minutes to five and the Dauntless are going to start arriving in the cafeteria soon.Tobias was excused early from his shift in order to cheer for me when Max made the announcement and he covertly got our friends caught up so they would be joining him.Finally, I spot Eric and Oscar making their way over to us and both eye me curiously.“Hurts like a bitch, doesn’t it,” Oscar comments, and I snort. “I felt like crying,” he admits in a whisper when he is close enough to give me hug. “Tell anyone and I will hunt you down after I publicly deny it,” he adds good naturedly.Eric looks at my throat and moves closer when Oscar moves to the side to chat with Max and Veronica.I know my eyes widen when he steps so close that I can actually smell his aftershave, but he doesn’t go in for a hug, which I immensely appreciate.“Congratulations, Stiff,” he tells me in his roughened voice.He does sound sincere, so I decide to be cordial. “Thank you,” I reply.Eric’s hand goes to his own throat and he seems surprised by his action, even more so when he realizes I am right in front of him and saw the whole thing.It must catch him off guard, for the next thing is more than surprising.“As soon as they let you go, try to get some ice for it.”Wow, really?! It feels like an alternate reality. Almost like a sim I can not manipulate...“Thank you, Eric,” I stutter out and he abruptly turns around and marches off to the side.The crowds are starting to fill the cafeteria and Max motions for all of us to climb up to the catwalk.Somebody had the foresight of putting the microphone up there and Max grabs it with a wide grin.“Everyone shut the fuck up,” he shouts into the microphone and it is as if someone hit the mute button. Utter silence prevails and I feel like giggling. Oh god, I am losing it!“I wanted to use the opportunity that you are all gathered here to make an announcement. Today is a fantastic day, a day that made Dauntless leadership whole once more. Our very own Tris surpassed all expectations and flew through her training. So, without further ado, I present to you our youngest leader ever, Tris Prior,” Max shouts and motions for me to come closer. When I am just a few feet away he gently touches his hand to his left pectoral and blows me a kiss.Only because I know where his new tattoo resides can I appreciate this gesture for what it really is.I step beside him and the crowd cheers. I can feel Veronica step next to me and put her hand on my shoulder while Max does the same on his side.“Dauntless was formed by those who blamed cowardice for society’s problem. Our founders believed that the only way to survive and thrive is to face our fears by showing bravery in the face of adversity,” Max recounts the story of how Dauntless came to be before handing the microphone over to Veronica.“We believe that justice is more important than peace,” she starts off, and the crowd joins in like Abnegation would in prayer. “We believe in freedom from fear, in denying fear the power to influence our decisions. We believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another. We believe in acknowledging fear and the extend to which it rules us. We believe in facing that fear, no matter what the cost to our comfort, our happiness, or even our sanity.”Right there I make the resolution to meet with Johanna as soon as possible. I want to be free from fears, no matter the cost to my comfort or sanity.Veronica continues while I mentally confirm my resolve. “We believe in shouting for those who can only whisper, in defending those who can not defend themselves. We believe, not just in bold words but bold deeds to match them. We believe that pain and death are better than cowardice and inaction because we believe in action.”Max takes over once more when the cheering finally ebbs and the microphone is able to carry his voice to everyone.“Today, Veronica and I have even more to celebrate! For us, personally, it is an honor to celebrate the return of another Wright to Dauntless leadership with you.” Some older Dauntless start cheering like crazy at that revelation while the younger ones look a little lost. “Tris has big footsteps to fill, but we have no doubt she will continue to live up to her ancestor’s legacy and will help our faction grow and strife. Let’s hear it for Tris,” he shouts and they all follow up with deafening applause, stomping feet and roars of approval.Max leads us off the catwalk and there are already people approaching to wish me well in person. Max seems to have a blast introducing me as his niece and Natalie’s daughter to the older members who, to my delight, start divulging stories about my mom.What I thought would be a nightmare to endure due to my fresh tattoo turns out to be a great time of story telling and really getting to know the more established members. It seems that they accept me as one of them sight unseen, even though I was a transfer.… After dinner the crowd moves into the Pit to celebrate with a party of epic proportions.My friends take their time to congratulate me and Christina interrogates me about my family ties but soon realises that Max and Veronica treated me just like everyone else and that there was no preferential treatment.Zeke and Uriah suddenly remember all those stories their mom told them about growing up in Dauntless and guess who was one of her best friends? Yeah, my mom really knew how to pick them! Time flies and I am finding I am actually having a great time even without alcohol. All my friends are at least tipsy and Tobias seems to be getting drunker by the minute. I am looking for someone sober enough to help me bring them all home when I suddenly feel something freezing cold being places around my neck.“What the fuck,” I exclaim while quickly turning around.“Shut up and just keep it on your throat, Stiff.” Eric glares at me, clearly annoyed by my reaction.I gently put my hand up to touch whatever he put around my neck and it feels like... frozen fabric?“What,” I start, but Eric leans closer to me so he doesn’t have to shout.“It’s just a wet scarf I put in the freezer. Keep in on so you don’t scratch when it becomes too much,” he explains almost softly.“Did you...” I start off and once more he interrupts me.“It doesn’t matter. Just keep it on, add more salve when you get home and most importantly, DO NOT TOUCH,” Eric repeats and turns to leave.I finally wake up from my stupor and my hand shoots out to stop him in his tracks.“Thank you, Eric,” I say with meaning.“Don’t mention it,” he replies, and I believe this is exactly what he expects me to do.“Uh, have you seen Max or Veronica by any chance? I could use some help getting the drunks home,” I add rather lamely and Eric sighs in annoyance.“Let’s make it quick,” he demands, and I look at him in astonishment. “Veronica and Max are busy,” he states matter of factly, but when I look at him questioningly he elaborates. “They are in the Max’s office fucking their brains out,” he states rather crudely.I take a deep breath to stop myself from saying anything else.“Thanks,” I mutter and start walking back to the table where I left my friends.It seems in the time I have been gone they started a new bottle and more shot glasses are littering the table.“Just great,” I groan when I see Zeke and Uriah dancing on the table, but I stop dead in my tracks when I see Tobias start unbuttoning his shirt.“Come on, Stiff. If you want to intervene it’s now or never,” Eric shouts gleefully from beside me.So I swallow the rising trepidation and march the rest of the way with fake determination. I am assertive, I am in charge, I repeat over and over again.“Four, stop that,” I bark. “Zeke, Uriah, get down right now or I will get your mother,” I threaten, and while it works wonders on the Pedrad brothers, Tobias is a whole different ballgame.“I don’t want to,” he whines. “Christina dared me to show her my tattoo and I am not a loser,” he continues, and I just want to slap Christina.“Yes, Trissy, let him show us his tattoo. Maybe next he can reveal his real name,” Christina shouts excitedly.I give her a nasty look and walk right over to Tobias, stopping his hands with my own. “I love you, but you will regret this in the morning if I don’t intervene,” I state quietly for only him to hear. Tobias stares at me blankly like he has no idea what I am talking about. Well, shit, he leaves me no choice. “You can either take my hand and let me bring you home or Eric will drag you back. It’s your choice,” I offer calmly and finally get his attention.“Eric can’t beat me and you will always do what is best for me. You don’t want me to ... be a loser,” he trails off, sounding unsure about what he wants.I move in real close in order to whisper in his ear. “I am doing this for your own good, Tobias. Do you want this to get back to your father,” I ask calmly.He rears back as if I slapped him, but I can see some of the fog clearing from his eyes when he stares at me intently. He nods almost imperceptibly and lets me guide him away from the table and drinks.“We have to bring the others home as well and Eric is willing to help, so I need you to be nice, Okay,” I ask, and he nods. “Good, here,” I reach into the pocket of my jacket and pull out a small water bottle I laced with painkillers that have been sipping. “Drink this while I get the girls and Will ready.” I shouldn’t have worried. Eric is back to being the unapproachable leader I remember from my initiation and has them all lined up and ready to go.I smile at him in thanks and he quirks an eyebrow in reply. Okay... Together we march them through the Pit and to the elevator bank. We are in luck and there is an empty car just waiting for us.“Uriah, Marlene, Lynn, Will and Christina first,” I state and push the button to their floor. With every new apartment we reach, Eric stays in the hallway while I bring my friends inside.Once done we head back to the elevator and this time I push the button leading to Zeke’s and Shauna’s apartment, which happens to be on the same floor as ours. Once more Eric stands guard over Tobias while I bring Zeke and Shauna inside. It seems to click that they are home and I can’t run out fast enough when they start undressing each other. Even Eric seems to have caught a glimpse when he looked up after hearing me run towards the wide open front door.“Think you can manage on your own now,” he asks and steps away from Tobias, who promptly falls over.“Shit,” I exclaim, and Eric chuckles darkly.I pull on Tobias, but he doesn’t budge. “A little help, please,” I groan out while trying to lift Tobias up. His arm slips and bangs against my scarf covered skin which doesn’t lessen the pain shooting through me and I cry out loudly.Eric sighs and lifts Tobias off me, carrying his whole weight. I rush over to our door and unlock it before holding it wide open for Eric to walk through. Then I run around Eric, opening the bedroom door wide and holding it in place while he passes.“Where,” is all Eric asks. I walk over to the bed, turn down the covers and indicate the right side.Eric dumps his load unceremoniously and marches back out into the living room and I hastily cover Tobias before following Eric. I catch him just by the door.“Thank you,” I shout after hm and he stops in his tracks before turning around. “I really appreciate your help tonight, Eric,” I state lamely, unsure what else to say to him. Thanks for not being an ass? Thank you for showing that you are human? I didn’t know you could care for anybody but yourself?“Tris,” Eric starts, but I do stop him.“I know you did not have to help and I never expected you to, so let me just say thank you and let us be done with it,” I ask.Eric rubs his neck and nods. “Just take care of your tattoo before you go to bed,” he repeats his earlier demand and I suddenly want to know why.“Why is this so important to you,” I blurt out. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate the advice, and the scarf is fantastic, but I feel like I am missing something,” I add quickly.Eric continues to rub his neck until he finally steps forward and takes my wrist. I shiver at the contact and look on with wide eyes as he guides my hand to the side of his neck and then lets go. I am still staring right into his eyes until he closes them. It brings me out of my stupor and I finally realize why he put my hand on his tattoo. I can feel the indentations and run my fingertips gently over the skin. My second hand comes up without conscious thought and I keep tracing the scars Eric has on his leadership marks. He shivers and I can feel goosebump rising on the previously smooth parts of his skin.“Thank you for looking out for me. What happened?” There is no way I can not ask.“I was too proud to seek help when I scratched myself and got them infected,” Eric states without emotion.“Shit,” I exhale softly.“So,” Eric opens his eyes. “Learn from my mistakes and take care of your tattoo. Don’t let your pride or,” he shudders, “your selflessness prevent you from asking for help.”“Okay,” I state without elaborating.“Good,” Eric nods. “Goodnight Tris.” Eric steps back and my hands fall down. Three more steps and he is out the door and it shuts almost too softly behind his retreating form. I take the scarf Eric gave me, wet it and put it back in the freezer before applying the salve Tori gave me. For good measure, I carefully wrap my throat with gauze to prevent accidents during the night and then get ready for bed.Tobias is a drooling, snoring mess taking up the middle of the bed and no matter what I do, he doesn’t budge. Grabbing a pillow and blanket, I head back to the sofa and fall into an exhausted slumber.… I am woken by a calloused hand running over the side of my face.Blinking heavily, I see Tonias crouched in front of the sofa.“Good morning,” I wish with a sleep roughened voice and he just keeps starring at me. “What’s wrong? Did you get sick?” I am sitting up before he can hold me back and scrutinize him from head to toe.“I am fine, Tris. I wanted to check on you and thank you for last night, it, uh, all came back to me,” he mumbles.“Come here,” I open my arms and make space for him to join me. We spend a few minutes cuddled up under my blanket until one of our alarms goes off.“Come on, let’s indulge and have breakfast in the cafeteria,” Tobias suggests and I am all for it. I am starving by now after having skipped most of my dinner due to the crowd of well wishers.
It usually doesn’t take either of us long to get ready and today is no different. Before long we walk into the almost empty cafeteria.“You go get the drinks and I will get the food,” Tobias suggests and off we go.I am just filling the second cup of coffee when I feel someone line up beside me.“How is the tattoo,” I hear, and I don’t even have to look up to know who it belongs to.“Not too bad. I put a lot of salve on, but it seems to be healing well. I put your scarf back in my freezer and will return it to you washed next week,” I promise.“Keep it,” he says just when I can feel someone else step close on my other side. I don’t have to look either to see this time it is Tobias, Eric’s face says it all.“Keep what?”“Four,” Eric grunts out his greeting.“Eric,” it sounds more like a snort and I look at both of them sternly. “Thanks for helping Tris last night,” Tobias adds begrudgingly, and I nod in approval.Eric just shrugs. “Leaders need to have each other’s back. I just made the first move,” he adds surprisingly cordial.“Huh,” is Tobias smart reply and I feel like staring him down again. Does he not realize the significance or is he really beyond the point of making amends?“Sit with us,” I offer without consulting Tobias. Eric offered a laurel and I am picking it up, making it grow into a bush.Eric looks at Tobias first and then at me.“I have work to do. I was just going to grab a coffee and then head to the office,” Eric explains.Wow, I have never heard him speak so much without shouting or growling.“Then I will see you there,” I state lamely.“Probably,” Eric agrees and with a nod in our direction he turns to fill a tall mug with coffee and walks out of the cafeteria without a second glance.“Was that as surreal for you as it as for me,” Tobias asks, and I turn back to look at him.“So I wasn’t seeing things,” I return, to which he shrugs.“Come on, let’s eat.”And with that Eric’s strange behavior is forgotten for the time being. We don’t talk while we eat but enjoy the company nonetheless.Tobias walks me to Veronica’s office and promises to pick me up for lunch later.
I am about to knock on the door just as it swings open and I suddenly find myself nose to chest with Eric. Strong hands grab my arms, lift me up and suddenly I am set back down in Veronica’s office while Eric closes the door behind me.I blink and look at Veronica who stares at me open mouthed.“Uh?”“Hmmm,” she nods to exaggerate her sound beyond the usual meaning.“Okay?”“I don’t know...”“Good,” I take a deep breath. “So, I am getting my office today,” I ask, and almost sigh in relief that I can still articulate in whole sentences.“About that,” she trails off and I have a weird feeling. “How do you feel about sharing space?”“I don’t mind sharing the office with you for a bit longer,” I start, but Veronica puts up her hand.“No, not like that. I do have an office for you, but it comes with a shared storage room,” she explains.“That should not be a problem,” I tell her and she smiles, clearly relieved.“Eric still has all his files in there, but he said he will make some space for you,” Veronica continues as if I hadn’t involuntarily flinched at hearing Eric’s name. “He was rather cordial about the whole issue, I expected more of a tantrum,” she continues, playing oblivious leader.“He was,” I ask rather dumbly.“Yes, did not put up a fight, just asked for some time to sort through his files and change the system. Maybe it’s best if you talk to him about it yourself,” she advises. “Okay,” she claps her hands, “let’s get you settled. Here,” she takes a set of keys from her drawer. “These are yours, don’t lose them or I will have to charge you the points for replacing the lock and they cost a fortune,” she laments. “Obviously your office is the one next to Eric’s, at the end of the corridor. Come on, I’ll show you.”Veronica stands up and heads to the door, so I rush to follow her.The office door already has my name on it and Veronica uses her own set of keys to open the door. It is just as spacious as her own office and I am relieved to see the artificial lighting is the one imitating sunlight and and that I have got a fake window as well.“Will you look at those green fields,” I tease and Veronica chuckles.“Want go go for a walk outside,” she offers and I smirk.“Only if you promise we can pick some flowers to brighten my office,” I tease.“Brat,” she smiles at me indulgently.I look around the office and spot the door to the storage area. I nod towards it and look at her in question.“Go ahead,” she encourages and I rush over to see what I am dealing with.Well shit! I let out a low whistle that I learned from Tobias.One wall is completely taken over by shelves with endless rows of neatly sorted files. There are multiple colors and I am sure it is a complex system Eric created himself. The other wall has office supplies and metal filing cabinets.Taking one last look around I walk back out and close the door behind me.“I feel almost like I should disinfect my hands before walking inside,” I laugh.“What?” Veronica walks past me, takes a look and backs out. She only nods and before I know it we are both bursting out in laughter.“I left some of the files you have been working on on your desk and someone will be stopping by to get your computer set up properly. I assume Tobias is working today?” I nod. “Good, then you know who to expect,” she teases. “Have a great first day and don’t hesitate to ask for help if you need it,” Veronica adds before hugging me. “Love you,” she sings and walks out the door.Once Veronica is gone I take my time exploring my new office. It is rather spacious and even has a sitting area.There are plenty of cabinets to store my files and I don’t even know why I would need a storage room. It makes me want to see Eric’s office, which I admittedly avoided so far. I am in the middle of digging through my drawers that have an array of stationary when there is a knock on the door.“Come in,” I shout and try to straighten my clothes.The door opens and Tobias’ head pops in. “Is now a good time to set up your computer,” he asks.“Come in. I can’t do much without it, so the earlier, the better,” I admit, and he comes in all the way.“Great, then let me work my magic,” he winks and cracks his knuckles. I ignore him while he works and continue my exploration of the content of my drawers. There is not much else to be found, just empty spaces waiting to be filled. “Tris,” Tobias tries to get my attention. “You need to set up a password,” he instructs and I head over to him. Without asking for permission I plop down on his lap and type away.“Maybe something harder to guess,” he demands before I can hit confirm.“What,” I ask in surprise.“ ‘Abnegation’ doesn’t make a very good password, Tris,” Tobias elaborates.“Then what else should I use? I want it to relate to me,” I lament.“Tris, that’s where most people get it wrong. Do something unexpected, add some capital letters and numbers. And no, ‘Number1’ will not work either. It is rather obvious too.”Well shit!I look at Tobias and then for some reason at the storage room door. I bite my lip to suppress the grin from showing and type in my new password.“Tris,” Tobias groans, and I smile innocently at him.“What? Nobody will ever guess that one,” I smirk at him.“ ‘4everEric’ is not what I meant,” Tobias whisper shouts.“Why? You are represented right at the beginning of my password. And you will forever be in front of Eric,” I teasingly reply.“That’s just wrong,” he states again and I shrug.“My password, my choice,” I declare and I know there is nothing he can do about it.“Yes, you are right,” he admits. “And yes, nobody will ever guess that password,” he states with absolute certainty. “But don’t get too smug,” he warns. “Let’s see how you feel when you have to type in that phrase every single time you need to confirm something.”“We’ll see,” I state and he finally leaves it at that.“Okay, let me show you the set up and some simple trouble shooting for the most common issues we get called for.”… And so we spend the next half hour going through a lot of technical stuff I never thought I would need to know, but I admit it doesn’t hurt and I will be happy not having to ask for help with simple problems that I should be able to solve myself. “It’s getting close to noon. Do you want to head to lunch,” Tobias asks and I look at the computer and the files. “Or I can go and get us something,” he offers and I smile brightly at him. “Take away it is,” he declares and gets up. “Any preference?”“You know what I like, surprise me,” I state. I am going nuts with my electronic files and email folders when there is another knock on my door.“Come in,” I shout, turning my screen so it is less accessible from a visitor’s viewpoint.This time it is Eric who walks in. No tentative head through the door to check what I am doing or who I am with. No, he walks right in like he owns the place and seats himself opposite me.“Hi,” I mumble, and mentally slap myself for sounding so weak and unsure. Eric ignores it and just looks at me.“Can I help you,” I ask tentatively.“That depends,” he answers cryptically.“On what?”“How much storage space you will need,” Eric explains and I see the light.I look around my office exaggeratedly.“I think I have plenty of space for my files for now. I don’t know how much I will need in the future, though,” I add.“Just as I thought,” Eric laments, and I look at him perplexed.“I am going to let you in on a little secret,” he states while leaning forward in his seat.“There are three other leaders and an office manager who all like to snoop. The best way to deter them is to have a system nobody can crack. They don’t know how you file and where, they can’t snoop beyond what’s in your bin or on your desk,” he elaborates and I nod. My time with Veronica showed me clearly how often she walks into Max’s office, just checking on things and keeping an eye on his work ethic, as she likes to call it. And yes, I have seen Ron in Oscar’s office, sifting through paperwork when Oscar was out for the day.They are not even afraid to be caught. For them it is normal to just walk in and have a look around. I am suddenly really glad thatTobias showed me how to protect my computer.“My computer is well protected,” I blurt out and want to slap myself. Really?Eric smirks. “That’s good. Let’s test it,” he challenges.“Okay...” I trail off and make space for Eric to take a seat. I don’t stray far and make sure I get a good view of what he is doing.He shuts down my computer and restarts it, hitting a button repeatedly and suddenly we are in a completely different setting. There is no demand for a password and I can only look on as Eric easily selects the administrator option and with the hit of a button he has access to my computer. “Fuck!” Only when Eric laughs do I realize I cursed.“It’s okay, Tris. I learned this the hard way too. Just saving you some time and embarrassment,” Eric explains as he continues to snoop through my files.“Here, how about you assign the administrator yourself and declare people allowed to use this override with their own passwords?”“That simple,” I ask.“No, you have to find people with the clearance that you trust enough to not mess with your files. Four is a good choice, a Pedrad not so much,” he explains and I get the gist.“Okay, what else,” I ask eagerly.“Caught on now, haven’t you,” he teases.“I want them to snoop through my things just as much as you do. So, what else,” I repeat my question.“Files.” Eric stands up and walks to the storage room door. “Come on,” he shouts while walking through the door. I hurry to catch up with him and feel the door close in my back.Eric turns around to look at me. “See all those different colors,” he asks, and I nod eagerly.“That’s just a fake system I invented to throw them off! All my files are stored in the cabinets,” he admits and I gape at him.“Then what’s in those folders?”“Random stuff that I do need from time to time. All red labeled files are people who are no longer in Dauntless. Green labels are former initiates. Black labels are Dauntless laws and operating procedures. The folders with red, white, gray and blue stripes are about projects with other factions or relate to something in that regard. The color on top indicates the faction represented.”“So all files have real documents inside that you want to keep on hand, but nothing snoop worthy even if they braved your system,” I recount.“Pretty much,” Eric admits. “And before you try the drawers I should tell you they are booby trapped. When you have something to file let me know and I will show you.”“Why don’t you show me now,” I ask curiously.“I thought it would be better to do just before you leave,” Eric states and looks like he won’t budge on this.“Okay,” I concede, “I will look for you before I call it a day.” I can hear the office door open and Tobias calling my name.“My lunch is here. I will see you later,” I state lamely and he nods before heading into his office through the connecting door.I do the same and find a grinning Tobias plating up food for us.Over lunch I am telling him about my computer and that I need better security and he promises to take care of everything once we are done with lunch.
The rest of the afternoon I spend doing actual work and before I know it, it’s gone past five. I shut my computer off and walk over to Eric’s door but there is no answer. The lights are off and the door is locked. Did he forget about me?
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Tris POV
The next day Veronica tells me that Max has sent Eric and Oscar on a two day trip to Candor. Apparently they wanted to have their security evaluated and subsequently improved for some time, and now that I am a full fledged leader Max gave in with the latest request for assistance. The faction is busy and with two leaders gone I find myself in constant demand.It feels like Dauntless fight like little children and I am the mom asked to judge the situation after persistent ‘he said - she said’ recounting.I never thought I would ever say this, but I am missing Eric. I highly doubt they will play this dumb in front of him.Saturday is supposed to be a half day in the office, not this time around. Some of the dependents managed to get their hands on some paintballs and guns and have had a go at the Pit. The store owners are pissed about the mess and difficult clean up, the control room is livid they did not catch the culprits on camera, and Tobias and Zeke made it their personal goal to track them down by scouring the security tapes for any evidence leading to finding out who did it.There is another party on in the Pit Saturday night and I am on call until Veronica takes over at six am.Tobias has to work the day shift on Sunday and I am so busy playing referee, taking drunks to the infirmary and just keeping overall peace that I am literally crawling into bed when he gets up. At least it’s cozy and warm.
I spend the rest of the day catching up on much needed sleep and doing some cleaning and laundry. Neither of us had much time and, minimalistic as we are, we have a limited amount of clothes.So, my new selfish goal for the next week is to treat myself to two new outfits without checking the price tag.
I return to work feeling refreshed and ready for my first full week as a leader. As coincidence will have it, I am stepping out of the elevator just as Eric throws open the doors to the stairway.He only grunts in greeting and doesn’t even meet my eyes so I am keeping my distance and letting him go ahead without more than a “morning” uttered myself.He unlocks his office door and then kicks the door shut before he is fully through. Wow, someone is in a really good mood!I decide to just let him get it all out while dealing with the faction and avoid him by working on emails and an upcoming meeting in Amity that I am taking before my first session with Johanna.After my resolution to face my issues head on I contacted her almost immediately and she was delighted with my decision.
For lunch I pre-arranged to meet Tobias, Christina and Zeke in the cafeteria and we plan on making some tentative plans about this year’s initiation.So, when the clock turns twelve, I walk out the door and head to the cafeteria. Christina is waiting for me just inside the doors and together we head in to choose our food and secure a table.We haven’t really seen each other as her job in the Pit requires different hours than mine. Due to the multitude of jobs that require members to work all sorts of hours, the shops in the Pit accommodate them by being open almost around the clock. We are making good progress in catching up when Zeke and Tobias finally arrive with their lunches.Zeke hasn’t been promoted yet, so he is often working under Tobias’ command and we have had dinner together a few times these last days when Shauna was deployed at the fence.“So, I talked to Lauren and she said to let her know what we decide and for me to make it happen with her boss,” I start and the others nod in understanding.“I met with Max about two weeks ago,” Tobias states. “He likes the proposed changes Tris and I put together and he wants us to work on overhauling initiation. He agrees that it would benefit all initiates to have more time, so we will most likely work on a twenty eight day routine instead of the twenty one days we did in the past.” Christina nods enthusiastically while Zeke looks less pleased.“Zeke, would you rather spend a week longer with the initiates or return to the control room,” I ask directly. “If you think you rather not train initiates then we need to know this now so we can train someone else to do the job,” I demand.“No, I will do it,” he admits. “I was just thinking that the extra week might give transfers more time to catch up and we will lose more Dauntless-born.”“I am aware, but we need to be fair,” I explain and Tobias and Christina nod.“We,” I point to the three of us in turn, “were those transfers and we know exactly why this will benefit them more than Dauntless-born, but it does not give anyone a good advantage if they are clearly not suited for Dauntless. We want to give everyone the chance to get to a more level playing field, so to speak.”“We feel that adding a week to stage one will give us, as a faction, the chance to really weed out the weak and not just those untrained,” Tobias continues for me. “Just look at Tris. She almost got cut in stage one and then she soared to the top.”“We also want to provide better security from infighting and ambushes. Nobody should feel the need to leave the faction like Edward had to,” I add and they all nod.“So we need to come up with a proper training plan and then we have to get it approved by leadership. With all this in mind I want you to take a few days to think about options and we can all meet Thursday,” I ask. “If you are scheduled to work let me know and I will arrange for you to have the morning off for a meeting,” I conclude and we finish our lunch with just regular conversation.
When I walk into the reception area I can hear yelling and look at Ron questioningly.“Max delegated the wall shooting issue to Eric,” Ron relays, and I sigh.Max could have picked a better day but maybe he did not see Eric before he made that decision.“Did they just arrive,” I ask curiously, and Ron nods. “Walked in about two minutes ago. Here,” he throws me something from beside his desk. “You’ll need those,” he states with a wink and I look down at the item. They look like plastic ear muffs.“What are these,” I question.“Noise cancelling ear protectors. Did you not use them during initiation,” he questions and I shake my head. “What has the world come to,” he laments. “Just put them on when you get into your office and you will be able to actually do some work despite the shouting.”I smile at him in thanks and head into my office. The volume of all people gathered in Eric’s office and shouting at each other is even worse and I don’t hesitate to put the protectors on.Wow! What a difference. I have to ask Ron how I can get a pair of these and set out to do so immediately with an email. The reply is instant and I follow it up with an email to commission my own set from the armory. Luck is on my side, they have them in stock and I can pick them up anytime.
Starting a new document, I decide to work on my own list for initiation. Anything I can think of, ranging from the shared bathrooms all the way to physical training. I am so engrossed in remembering my initiation and trying to follow the issues in a timeline style list, I don’t see my office door open or my visitor step inside until I see movement from the corner of my eye.I spin around in my chair and suddenly find myself with my face close to Eric’s crotch and my hands up on his thighs.“Shit,” I exclaim and close my eyes, taking deep breaths through my nose. I can feel my chin dip and my forehead landing on Eric’s belt, yet I don’t withdraw.I can feel his hand move slowly past my cheek and then suddenly my noise cancelling ear protectors are gone.“Tris...” I look up in surprise, for I have never heard Eric sound so mellow.My most likely wide eyes meet his slightly hooded ones and I can’t look away. Neither can he, it seems. It’s like we were hypnotized.The protectors falling to the floor with a bang brings me back to reality and I hastily remove my hands while rolling my chair back at the same time.Eric takes two big steps back and then moves around my desk, taking the furthest chair I have.“Sorry, I did not hear you,” I state rather lamely.“So I saw,” he admits.“Uh, what can I do for you,” I ask in order to get both of us back on track.“Never mind that. What the fuck were you wearing ear protection for?”Eric sounds more like himself now. I am glad, for it brings me fully back to my senses.“I needed to get some work done over the shouting going on in your office, so Ron lent them to me,” I state firmly.“You couldn’t wait a few minutes,” Eric asks, sounding annoyed.“I did not want to listen,” I declare and feel good at my selfishness.“I’m impressed,” Eric replies to my utter astonishment. He sounds sincere.“Excuse me,” I ask.“You doing something for yourself and keeping your stance about it,” he explains my own actions to me.I cross my arms and he smirks. “Don’t get your panties in a twist. It’s good that you finally leave that part behind. It was holding you back during initiation,” he states, and I gape at him. “Come on, you must have noticed it yourself or you wouldn’t work on getting past it,” Eric reaffirms his statement.“Fine, I am working on being selfish and assertive. Now tell me why you came over,” I demand and try to give him the look Tobias attempted to teach me. Judging by the grin I receive it’s not working yet.“Do you want me to show you how to work my real filing system and move past the booby traps,” he finally asks.“Of course,” I exclaim and jump up from behind my desk.“Lock your door first,” Eric demands and I do as requested without asking why. “Okay, come on,” Eric gets up and opens the door for me.“Normally I would use a special kind of door stopper, but since we both need to use the room this is kind of useless,” he explains.“Alright. Now the first thing you need to know is that every single drawer is wired to a sound granade. You open it wrong and it will go off. The sound is annoying, purposely too loud and it will stay on for thirty minutes if you don’t know how to shut it off again.” Eric looks at me and I nod to show I understand. “Give me your hand,” he demands, holding out his own. Assertive, I remind myself. I am assertive.Without overthinking I place my hand in his and he guides it towards the top drawer. Eric’s fingers move to manipulate mine, showing me how to gently open the drawer, where the wire and grenade are located and how to fully open the drawer without setting the alarm off.It feels really weird to have his fingers push mine around, but he is doing a good job in showing me what to do.He has me practice a few times in front of him until he is satisfied. Then he shows me what happens when the grenade is set off and especially how to stop the sound.I am the first one to admit it is loud and will do the trick to deter anyone messing around.Next Eric shows me the second safety feature. Ink. One wrong move and the culprit will be covered in bright green ink. The files are all protected so there is no worry about accidentally damaging them. All files are in special folders and Eric tells me how to commission them.Eric went through a lot of trouble protecting his files and I am wondering what is in them to make them worthy of such.“I can see the wheels turning, Tris,” he lets me know.“I am just wondering what type of files you are storing here to justify these measurements,” I admit.“They are just your run of the mill personal details files, but I did it out of principle to deter those snooping fuckers. They have no right to read confidential materials if they were not included in the original distribution and they are not required, as per law, to be informed.”That makes sense, so I nod.“Thank you for showing me all of this,” I state sincerely. “You could have let me sink. Why didn’t you,” I ask curiously.Eric looks slightly troubled. “Maybe I just felt like I needed an ally,” he admits almost too calmly for my liking.“Okay, Thank you. I really do appreciate this,” I add.“Let’s not talk about it,” Eric demands roughly and I take it for face value.“I’ll see you later,” I state, walk over to my door and proceed though it when I hear a grunt in reply.Typical male, I think to myself.Eric and I pass each other a few more times on Monday and Tuesday, but apart from nodding in greeting there is no further interaction. Wednesday comes faster than expected and once more I find myself up very early and on the train to Amity before the sun is up.Johanna asked me to meet her in her office over the barn to talk business first and that’s what we do. “Come on, let’s go for a walk,” Johanna suggests when we are done with official Dauntless-Amity business. I know it’s not a real suggestion but a demand, and I follow her out the door and step beside her as we aim for the now empty orchard. “I thought it might be nicer and easier to ensure we won’t be overheard. My office is private, but still accessible,” Johanna admits and I am grateful for her foresight.“How have you been getting on, Leader Tris,” she teases and I am once more grateful for the little icebreaker.“It was rather good,” I admit. “Eric and Oscar were sent on a two day overnight stay in Candor and it got a bit busy, but I have been taught well and there were no issues,” I declare proudly.“That’s great, Tris. Is there anything that you want to review,” she offers me the choice to back out for a little bit. But I have made up my mind the night of my promotion and I am facing my fears now.“I am ready to talk about it now,” I say quietly. Johanna just nods her head, but doesn’t say anything else.“I am not sure where to start,” I begin, but once more Johanna remains silent. Giving me the chance to sort through my thoughts.“I share an apartment with Four,” I finally start. “Birch asked me if he was my boyfriend and I had a hard time explaining the real dynamic to him. He is not my boyfriend, but my best friend and maybe something Dauntless calls a friend with benefits. We live together, we share a bed together. We probably have seen most of the other one’s skin exposed at one time or another and we share friendly kisses, but also on the lips. It is not romantic, though. We thought for a little while it was in the cards for us but quickly realised it was not that kind of deep connection. You read it in my file, and my fear landscape reflected it a bit strangely in my final test before becoming a Dauntless member,” I ramble on, but Johanna doesn’t interrupt me even once.I take a deep breath and then let it all out. “I have vaginismus,” I admit quietly.And then I am silent. Apparently I am silent for so long that Johanna feels the need to follow up.“Is that why you and Four did not progress into a romantic relationship?”I snort. “No, it’s more than that. We feel the connection we have through our upbringing and test results.” There, I have put it out there and she doesn’t seem surprised. Should have known. “But what’s more, Tobias is asexual. For him, the friendship and closeness we have is enough human contact. He wouldn’t be able to deal with a proper relationship and he doesn’t feel the physical need to be in one.”“And is this a problem for you? Did you expect more from him at one point,” Johanna asks calmly.“Yes and no,” I sigh. “We both thought we could be more, but we both realised that what we have is as good as it gets. I still want to have someone who is a full partner to me and one day children, but for now this is what I am more than happy to have and I don’t expect our relationship to ever go that way. We just get each other and we have each other’s backs. We socialise together and it keeps the awkward questions from others away. We are not lying to our friends, we just never told them how our relationship really is.”I am still struggling to explain myself properly.“It’s okay, Tris. I am not here to judge and I get what you are trying to say. For now, this is what works for you and what is the right thing for you until you manage to progress further with your condition.” She pauses. “Have you ever felt the need to work past your diagnosis? You know there are things you can do to train your body to react positively,” Johanna quietly asks.“I did not want to hear much from the Dauntless doctors,” I admit. “They are all so open with everything sexual and this was during initiation. I was still so deep in my shell...” I take a deep breath. “If it hadn’t been for the routine exams the doctors wanted to do, I doubt I would have known I even had a condition and not just a fear of intimacy.”“Do you think you have a fear of intimacy as well,” Johanna asks.“No, that was just the way of me knowing about vaginismus played out. I think my fear was that I will never be able to have sex and therefore no chance of a happy family,” I explain. “Being with Four taught me that. We are affectionate in our own way and I am not even bothered to show this in public. But sex is not an idea I am adverse to having if I find the right partner.”“Then maybe it’s time to really understand vaginismus and what you can do to open up,” she grins, fully aware of the double entendres.“There are five degrees of vaginismus. In first degree vaginismus you just experience some spasms of your pelvic floor muscles and it is easily cured, second degree is just a broader area of muscle spasms while third degree already prevents the doctor from examining you. Now, fourth degree vaginismus, which some people belief to be the highest category, your buttocks elevate involuntarily, you retreat and your thighs close. What doctors wrote down for you seems to be leaning more to a newer, fifth degree vaginismus where there is the addition of visceral symptoms, like sweating, hyperventilations, shaking, nausea, vomiting or even fainting.”I cringe at hearing a quite accurate recap of what happened when they tried to give me a pelvic exam.“Tris, a lot can be done, and it is not you personally who is responsible for your body’s reaction. There are a lot of different factors that can play into it,” Johanna tries to calm me down immediately and I am glad it’s working.“It is proven that a strict conservative moral education can elicit negative emotions. You grew up in Abnegation, Tris. I don’t have to remind you of their teachings and I think this one is stemming from your upbringing. One of the other factors is having a negative emotional reaction towards sexual stimulation. You gave your body not even the choice to have one, it clamped shut beforehand.” I once more nod in understanding. Hearing it explained to me this way is rather nice, way better than the almost judgmental way the Dauntless doctor approached me. “So, in my opinion I feel like you are in a good place to start on therapy, actual therapy Tris, not just talking about it. If you want to overcome this you will have to be patient with your body and work on its reactions. It will be baby steps, but each success will get you closer to having the family you want.”“I am ready,” I state, and I mean it. I want to have children one day and I can not have them without something going in first, as crude as that may sound. I am not uneducated. I know how babies are conceived and I heard enough to be aware that sex is supposed to be great. “I want children one day! That’s my end goal,” I say firmly. For my benefit or Johanna’s, it doesn’t really matter.“Great,” Johanna takes my hand and squeezes it, “Then here is what you will do over the next two weeks. We start off with graduated exposure therapy, which means systematic desensitization. You need to start a list of triggers or stimuli, Tris, and you need to rate them from least to most severe reactions. It might feel like a complete failure, Tris, but this is the most important step you will take to having children. The rest is just working on conditioning your body. Think you are ready?”“As ready as I will ever be,” I admit. “Two weeks,” I ask.“Two weeks should be enough, but if you feel you need more time there is no judgement here. Just let me know and we postpone,” Johanna states calmly.“Thank you, it really is easier talking to a female. A non-Dauntless especially,” I admit.“Do you feel already judged,” Johanna enquirers.“Yes, a lot in Dauntless is about sex. Everything is made to look sensual and intriguing. Tattoos, colored hair and haircuts so different than other factions, revealing clothings, alcohol, constant parties where they expect you to hook up, free condoms on the infirmary counter,” I list off and Johanna nods in understanding.She looks at me, contemplating what to say next.“I will have to talk to Birch first, but there might a another patient of his who would be a good choice to talk to. Their condition is not the same as yours, but their issues are relatable... Maybe, in the future, we can set something up. We’ll see when you passed the first few steps, Tris,” she declares, but I already feel better knowing that I am not alone out there.“Thank you, Johanna, for everything!” I move to hug her and she envelopes me in a fierce hug.“You can do it, Tris. Be brave,” she whispers, kisses my cheek and leaves me standing on the road leading to the train.
Still deep in thought I make my way home. Hopeful for the future that is just a little more within reach now.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Best laid plans and such. I had planned on pushing this out last night but alas, life is unpredictable. My kids are currently taking a break from the pool and I am utilising this opportunity.You can thank Anavallia and Libra18j for the increased posts.
Tris POV
“How did it go,” Tobias asks me when I get home Wednesday evening.“Okay, I guess.” I shrug my shoulders to show that I don’t really know how to answer.“Are you feeling any better,” he asks cheekily.“Why yes, I do,” I reply with my brightest smile. “It felt good to explain our relationship to someone and have them actually understand the dynamic. If you ever feel like talking to someone else, someone completely removed from Dauntless, go to Johanna. She is the least judgmental person I have encountered in my whole life. Johanna thinks this is not the end and that she can help me.” I admit the last part almost too quietly.“That’s great, Tris! You know that I am always there for you, if you need someone to talk to,” Tobias reminds me, and I smile at him in what I hope conveys gratitude.“I don’t know how my life would be without you,” I state, hugging him something fierce.“And you will always have me, Tris. Nothing is going to change that. And I mean NOTHING! No partners, friends, family...” the last one sounds a bit unsure.“I love you,” I remind him.“I love you too. I am so glad to have found you. You are the only person I completely trust to have my back, no matter what.”“I feel the same with you, never forget that. And no matter who I will have in my life, you’ll always have a special place in my heart.” I take a deep breath. “Enough of the soppy stuff. What’s for dinner,” I ask.“Leftovers,” Tobias reminds me.Yeah, I forgot that we took too much food the last two nights.“We warm it all up and share,” I suggest.“Sure.” Tobias turns to open the small fridge while I open the microwave.Our kitchen may be small, but we got everything we need to avoid using the cafeteria all the time.We chat about our work and what we plan on doing for our days off. Turns out we both have Sunday off and we want to spend the day outside. We tentatively agree to spend the day scouting outdoor locations for initiation if our idea goes through in tomorrow’s meeting.When we are cuddled up in bed I finally approach the thing that has been swirling around my mind since I talked to Johanna.“Tobias,” I whisper.“Yes?” He turns to look at me.“Johanna asked me to find my triggers and rate them...” I trail off.“That’s a wise idea,” Tobias confirms my own opinion.“I know, but I am worried that my triggers are different if it’s someone else doing the touching.”He looks at me wide eyed. “You want me to touch you?”“Maybe? I have to do my own testing first to know if there is any need for it,” I state lamely.“Tris,” Tobias chuckles. “I am pretty sure you are able to wash yourself down there, so that question is easily answered.”“Maybe,” I concede, “but what if there are finer points I need to figure out,” I ask.“Then I will help you as much as I can,” he confirms.“Thank you!” I hug and kiss him goodnight.My dreams are all over the place, but when I wake up I distinctively remember the tiny blonde baby I was holding to my chest.… Tobias and I join Zeke, Christina and Lauren in the cafeteria for breakfast before we head to my office.Eric is at the reception, looking through a stack of files on Ron’s desk when we pass. His eyes shine with curiosity, but he only gives me a nod in greeting before turning back to whatever he was doing.Tobias snorts and I elbow him hard in the ribs. I can hear the air leave him with an “oomph”.I have a nice sitting area in my office and luckily we all fit comfortably.“So, what did I miss on Monday,” Lauren starts us off.“Not much, just the basic starting point of extending initiation by seven days,” I explain, and she smirks at me before turning to Zeke.“Did you whine and complain yet?”Zeke only sticks his tongue out while Christina and I fist bump her.“It’s a great idea and will make for a more level playing field,” Lauren compliments and this time I am the one sticking her tongue out at Zeke.“Very mature, Tris, save it for Four,” he retorts and Tobias plants a quick kiss on my cheek. “You have loads to improve on,” Zeke sagely advises Tobias who only shrugs.“Okay, let’s get back on topic,” Christina snickers. “We extend training by a week but we still need to do something with them.”“And we will. We thought about building up general stamina while we follow a similar training pattern as before. Strength training and shooting. Strength training and fighting techniques. Give them more time to practice and have the fights we rate in the second half of stage one.”“Can we also overhaul the dorms,” Christina asks suddenly.“I would have to check with Max,” I admit. “Are they this shitty on purpose,” I turn to Tobias and Lauren.“No idea,” Lauren admits. “They were just like that when I was an initiate.”“I’d like at least some safety features added to see if we can avoid a bloodbath this time, or at least convict the culprit,” I state.“Hear, hear,” Christina agrees.“Any ideas,” I turn to the group in general.“I am not sure about cameras,” Tobias admits. “You need night vision to be able to catch something and they don’t come cheap,” he declares and I groan.“So Max will deny that request,” I admit. “Is there anything else we could do?”“Why don’t you catalogue all the areas that have night vision cameras and see if some of them are redundant? If there are non we could ask Max if we are allowed to borrow the spares he has hidden away. If it’s just for the time period of initiation he won’t have any reason to deny us.”“I like that idea,” I admit and write down the first points.“Uh, guys, What are we going to do about Visiting Day? So far it marked the end of stage one,” Lauren suddenly exclaims and I curse loudly.“Tris!” Christina looks at me impressed.“What? You can’t be around Veronica without picking up some things,” I state nonchalantly.“Fine,” Christina concedes, “but Lauren is right. Will we just give them a free day in the middle of training? They won’t have anything to tell their families,” she laments.Zeke snorts. “That will be the last thing on their minds,” he states rather smugly.“Why don’t we start a list and see where we are heading with all of this,” I ask exasperated.“Do a spreadsheet, Tris,” Lauren, ever so helpfully, suggests.“Fine,” I grumble and walk over to my computer.“Okay, go ahead. I have twenty-eight days set up,” I exclaim and they start shouting what they remember. It is rather funny seeing the whole thing come alive, but when they quiet down I realize we just transferred the previous initiation into the slots for day nine through to twenty-eight.“Come over here and help me out,” I shout.“Print one for each of us and we can make our own adjustments,” Tobias suggests.I do as recommended and we all work in silence for a few minutes.“Let’s compare,” I demand after a while.“Day one should be a fitness assessment. We need to learn about their strengths and weaknesses to enable us to really help them,” Lauren quips.“I like that,” I state and the others agree.“Will we do it for both Dauntless-born and transfers,” Zeke asks, and I look around.“I think it would be good,” I admit.“I thought we could go for daily runs with them, increase the distance or speed to challenge them further,” I add.“They need to bulk up and for that we need strength training,” Christina speaks up.“Sit ups, squats, push-ups, the whole nine-yards,” Tobias sounds really excited.“Looking forward to shouting at them while giving them icy glares,” Christina teases and of course receives such a glare in return.“No,” Tobias deadpans.“We should take them to the fence early on,” I suggest but the opinions are divided on that one.“We can’t just do nine hours of workout,” I exclaim, annoyed.“We did not say that we will push them for that long,” Zeke pipes up.“We just think that it would be good to test their endurance when they have to fight and then jump on a train the next day,” Tobias adds, and I huff in annoyance.“Oh, come on Tris,” Christina turns on me also. “It was rather fun to see you move like an old lady,” she admits.“Fine, then we need to come up with some other activities to occupy them,” I demand and Tobias looks at me. Yes, this is where our other idea comes into play.“Tris and I have an idea, but we don’t know how to integrate it,” Tobias starts off and garners everyone’s attention easily.“We thought we should do something like a scavenger hunt...” Zeke interrupts him right then and there with a loud cheer. “Glad you approve,” Tobias grumbles. “Send them all over the city or even Amity. Have them take the train and find their equipment in order to spend the night in comfort,” he manages to finish.“Oh, camping,” Zeke gushes and I look at him.“Did you have Dauntless cake today,” I ask and narrow my eyes.His own eyes widen and he looks at me innocently. “No, why would you think that?” He bats his eyelashes.“This is exactly why,” I point to his eyes and flutter mine exaggeratedly.“I am just a really friendly guy,” he starts but finds himself cut off by Lauren leaning really close.“You are drunk,” she screeches, and Tobias leans closer as well before quickly retreating.“Shit, Zeke, did you bath in whiskey,” he asks alarmed.“No,” Zeke giggles. “Shauna is back from the fence and we had a few body shots,” he moans that part. “I am doing great! You are looking at a very satisfied man,” he cheers, then screeches when I pinch him hard.Here,” I thrust my lunch sandwich against his chest. “Eat, while I ask Ron to get you coffee,” I state and type away on my tablet, hoping that Ron won’t mind running that errand for me.“So we train them in endurance and some basic skills and send them out on the scavenger hunt just before Visiting Day,” Christina tries to bring us back on track.“Something like that,” I agree.She nods in agreement. “I like it.”“Me too,” Lauren agrees. “It’s a different challenge than Capture the Flag. Small teams, find your way around the city and find the equipment. Use it correctly and we will reward you with a timely return on Visiting Day,” she recaps and I love it.“Oh yes, that’s what we should do.” I look around. “We start them off in Dauntless. Find backpacks in location A and then they need to show skills and knowledge to earn their equipment. We could send them on foot through the city, having different activities set up. Definitely knife throwing... Do you think we can incorporate the zip-line,” I ask excitedly.“No,” Tobias is firm and I give in straight away.“You are right, this is something special for Dauntless-born initiates. We don’t want to take that away from them,” I state quickly.“So have them use their skills to get all the equipment they need to spend the night outdoors. A twenty-four hour challenge and we will evaluate who used their skills and showed us some brains.” I am getting really excited.“This could work,” Lauren admits. “We need to fully plan the whole thing but the idea is great. Maybe we can get some people together and do a test run?”“Yes,” Zeke shouts and claps his hands excitedly.Just then there is a knock on my door and Ron walks in with a thermos and a few cups.“You are a lifesaver,” I exclaim and jump forward to hug him.He looks worriedly at Tobias who, to his credit, doesn’t change his expression at all.“Zeke, I need you to drink this.” I pour the coffee and hand him the cup. Ron is looking on in amazement as Zeke shows off his rather unimpressive skills as a comedian and makes an ass out of himself.“Shauna came back and they had a little party for two,” Christina explains and he simply nods.“I’ll be out front, let me know if you need someone to escort him home,” Ron offers, and I blow him a kiss in thanks.“How about we go check out the equipment and really evaluate the dorms when Zeke is done,” I suggest and everyone agrees with me.It is a gruesome task that takes way longer than anticipated but eventually we are all satisfied with what we have in our list for Max.We will meet again next week, but in the meantime it is up to me to talk to Max and find out about the state of the initiation facilities.It’s lunchtime when we split but I decline the offer to head over to the cafeteria together. I only wanted the sandwich that I gave to Zeke, the next thing on my list is a nap, which I can have in my office.I have a minuscule cloak room where I stashed a pillow and blanket, so I lock my office door, set my alarm and get cozy.I am having vivid dreams once more and I am back to holding that beautiful blonde baby to my chest. I am cooing and the little one nuzzles into my chest, seeking nourishment. A tiny fist moves into my top and I gently push the fabric away and guide the baby’s head to my enlarged breast. It latches on and greedily gulps down as much as it can suck out.Once done I cover myself and move my baby up to my shoulder to wind it. After a few gentle pats I can hear a loud burp come forth and I move the tiny human being back to check it over. The previously squeezed shut eyes are now wide open and I am staring straight into brilliantly grey orbs.“Aren’t you the cutest ever,” I coo.“Tris” I hear a deep voice whisper to me. I look at the baby in surprise but it hasn’t opened it’s mouth. “Wake up!”...“Tris,” a deep voice says once more, pushing through the fog and I suddenly find myself staring into a different set of grey orbs.My hand comes up on its own accord and finds new purchase on his cheek where I gently run my thumb over the slight stubble.“Hi,” I whisper.He doesn’t say a word but tilts his head ever so slightly into my palm, his eyes never leaving mine.My other hand moves from beneath the blanket and reaches out to his throat. I am dying to touch the scarred skin again, and it feels just as hypnotizsing as it did the time before this. My fingers trail over the marks until he closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and opens them again while slowly retreating.Suddenly I become aware of what I have just done and I scramble backwards and into a sitting position.“Shit, Eric, I am so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking to touch you so inappropriately. Maybe it was just the transition from that amazing dream to reality,” I am rambling.“I should have let you sleep,” he says, and I am stunned. He doesn’t sound pissed off or in any way sarcastic.“No, I needed to get up anyway.” I glance at the clock. “Actually, I am past my allotted time. Why didn’t it ring,” I wonder out loud and Eric actually snorts. “What?!”“Oh, it was ringing alright. So much so that I thought you forgot your tablet in your office when you went for lunch. When your office door was locked I went through the storage room,” he admits. “I turned your alarm off and tried to wake you instead,” he adds and I gape at him.“Thank you,” I state with as much sincerity as I can put into those two words.“Yeah, don’t mention it.” He rubs the pads of his fingers over his eyebrow piercing.“Well, I owe you a favor,” I declare and he smirks.“Be careful, Tris,” is all he says before standing up. Huh, did not even notice he was down on the floor.“I’ll see you around,” I shout after his retreating form and he just waves his hand over his shoulder without looking back. The storage room door closes with a resounding click.…I spend the afternoon working on my emails and making our wish list for Max look pretty.By the time I am done I find myself the last one in the office. I send a quick email to Max that I would like to meet with him to chat about my meeting with the initiate trainers and head home myself.Tobias is not home yet and I don’t feel hungry despite having skipped lunch. We still have some left overs, and with enough food to make sandwiches I am not bothering to cook.See, being more selfish is easy!I decide to go all out and read a book while having a hot bath.Abnegation was showers only and I fell in love with the bathtub when I was finally allowed to use it. I haven’t used it as much as I would have liked to, but the new me is catching up fast.I am sinking into the hot, scented water with a deep sigh. Yes, this is just what I needed to get rid of all the soreness I have been feeling.I decide to start on a new book that Christina gave me. The smirk when she handed it over should have warned me but the raunchy novel still catches me off guard. I find myself reading about a far away country where men wore some fancy type of skirts that showed their faction. The hero was saving the virgin maiden and took her back to his castle to claim her as his.I put the book aside after that particular scene and close my eyes, wondering if I will ever find that hero who will be able to claim me and make me his.I decide now that I am relaxed by the hot water it might be a good time to start on Johanna’s homework.Swallowing hard and feeling the heat pool in my cheeks, I purposely put my hands onto my breasts and circle them around my mounds. It feels nice and I know I don’t mind this, so I slowly run my hands down to my stomach. So far, so good.I spread my arms and my hands move towards my hips. I can feel a slight tightening of my buttocks and slowly push my hands down the sides. When I am past my pelvis and really touching my upper thighs I can feel my thighs move closer to each other, subsequently closing off any access to my most private parts.Shit, I was not expecting that!Deep breaths, Tris. This is just an evaluation. It is not a test you can fail. Think about that cute baby you had in your dream. Yes, that is one really sweet picture I try very hard to keep at the forefront of my mind as I run my hands down to my knees, sitting up in the process.Once I reach my knees I move my hands so they touch the inside of my legs this time while the palms stay on top.Crunch time! This is really going to show me where I need to start...As I slowly move my hands up towards the apex of my thighs I keep replaying the baby’s image in my mind. That’s the end goal. I want to have a family one day. I want to be a mom to someone.I feel my legs move closer to each other when I am halfway between my knee and sex.Those brilliant grey eyes. My baby looked so cute. I want that! I want to have a baby, for that I need to have sex. I want to conceive my baby naturally. My baby. Blonde hair, grey eyes... why does my baby have grey eyes?My fingertips touch my outer lips and I choke in alarm when my legs trap my fingers in an almost violent hold. Shit, that hurts! Oh god, what am I going to do?!I feel like panicking when I hear the front door open. Oh fuck!“Tobias,” I try to shout but my voice is barely audible. I swallow hard and wet my lips before I try again. “Tobias,” I shout loud enough to gain his attention.“Where are you,” he asks.“Bathroom,” I shout back. “I, uhm, I am having a bath, but I might need your help with a little problem?”“You sound unsure,” he chuckles while walking in. When he sees my face he must immediately realise that something really is wrong.“What happened, Tris?” He comes over and tries to visually check me over. The bubbles are in his way and all he can see are my arms in an awkward angle.“I thought the hot bath was relaxing me enough to do some research for Johanna," I beat around the bush but Tobias gets me anyway."And there was a problem I am able to help you with," he asks, swallowing hard."Look," I sigh. "My hands are trapped between my thighs and I have lost any feeling in them. It hurt like a bitch and now it's just numb," I admit and cringe when he throws his head back and laughs."It's not funny," I exclaim and my vision gets blurry from the tears pooling in my eyes."I am sorry, I know it's not supposed to be funny. I am just a bit relieved you need help with something this simple. Hand retrieval," he chuckles."Bite me," I growl and he bends down and playfully bites my collarbone."You smell good," he compliments while sniffing exaggeratedly. His hands run down my sides and arms and I can feel my body stiffen even more."Why don't you tell me something new," he asks kindly."I slept through my alarm and Eric had to wake me instead," I blurt out and his eyebrows raise almost into his hairline."Uh, what," he asks, dumbfounded."I had a nap instead of food for my lunch break. I set the alarm on the tablet to wake me up and fell asleep. My dream was really good and I did not wake up until I heard someone call my name. It was the weirdest thing ever... I was looking into my baby's eyes and they morphed into Eric's. That was not what I expected to wake up to," I lament. "I mean, my baby's eyes were grey and then to look right into his grey ones was just surreal. And weirdest thing ever, he didn't give me shit for the whole situation. He was rather nice about it until I went and screwed things up. I... I touched his cheek and leadership marks before I knew what I was doing," I admit in a whisper but of course he hears me."I am sorry, can you repeat that, please," Tobias looks at me disbelievingly."I said that I cupped his cheek with my hand, rubbed my thumb over his stubble and then I used my other hand to trace his leadership marks," I admit.Tobias whistles and I feel my body heat up. "He said nothing," he reconfirms."That's what I just said," I exclaim, annoyed at having to repeat myself."Well," Tobias looks rather contemplative. "Maybe someone managed to warm up that frozen heart," he murmurs."What the fuck? Why are we even talking about this? There are more important things to take care of right now," I state and gesture with my hands towards my thighs.Tobias leans back and smirks at me. "It's been taken care of, now we focus back on Eric treating you differently than the rest of the faction. He let's you touch him, he wakes you up without dumping water on you or screaming obscenities, he helps you get your drunk friends home safe, he greets you with a nod instead of a growl or scowl, he even worried about your tattoo," Tobias lists off and I do see where he is coming from."And I concede your point, but Eric told me that he is looking for an ally within leadership. He already helped me with all those nosey people snooping through other people’s offices...”“AHA, see? That’s exactly what I mean. He helps you and says he wants an alliance. Maybe that’s his codeword for all females he fucks.”“Don’t be crude.” I admonish and Tobias nods sheepishly.“Can you grab my towel? The water is getting a bit cold.” I state and within seconds I am engulfed by a warm, fluffy towel.“Thanks,” I murmur and he hugs me.“Don’t mention it,” he instructs and I chuckle.“You sound an awful lot like Eric,” I tease, and Tobias groans.“Despite repeating myself – don’t mention it,” he playfully growls. “Come on, I’ll fix dinner while you start writing your test results,” Tobias offers and I happily agree.I quickly write down the gist of what happened and then proceed to spend a nice evening relaxing at home with great company and an interesting book. … The next day I receive a message from Max before I am even out the door. He has some time right now to meet if I don't want to wait until next week, so I grab an apple and rush over to the office. Of course I happen to arrive the same time as Eric exits the stairway and he actually grins when he sees the apple being held solely by my teeth to free my hands for the papers I have been sorting through in the elevator. As I still don't have a free hand I just nod and walk over to Max's door, kicking instead of knocking. Eric, who walked right behind me, is laughing outright now, but then is kind enough to open the door for me when Max shouts for me to come in.I can't even convey my thanks, but Eric doesn't need that, he doesn't even wait, just keeps walking to his office."Whenever you are done staring after Eric you may come in and close the door," Max teases and I so want to stick my tongue out.Max takes the papers out of my hands and I quickly grab the apple and put it aside."We, that is the initiate trainers and I, have some improvement requests," I start and Max groans. “Just hear me out,” I demand and he gets comfy in his chair so I do the same.“Some of the equipment needs replacing,” I start and Max nods. “We all feel that the dorms are especially bad and wondered if that’s on purpose,” I phrase my question carefully. “We want it to be spartan, yes, but if something is broken we will fix it, Tris,” Max assures.“No, it’s more the way things are set up. It’s all co-ed and out in the open which most of us admitted to having had a problem with during initiation,” I start and Max sighs.“Tris, we won’t overhaul the whole system. Why don’t you start with the actual changes to initiation,” Max sounds exhausted.“Fine, but that doesn’t mean I give up,” I declare. “We want to extend initiation by seven days. We want to use the first seven days to enhance fitness and skills and then continue at the pace set in the original version.”“Elaborate.”“We want to increase stamina and muscle mass, we teach them fighting techniques, shooting and knife throwing, but we won’t rate them on fights just yet. We are aware that Visiting Day is on the eighth day of training and we thought it would be a good divider between training and rating or evaluation. The idea is to finish the seven day prep by having a scavenger hunt where they need to use the skills to get their equipment and stay a night out on Amity farms. A buddy system or small group system, we haven’t finalised this one yet.”Max nods. “I think we can get this one through, but don’t hold your breath for any renovations. I, personally, don’t see the need.”“It’s a good start,” I admit and we move on to chat about how I am settling in and my pending move into a leadership apartment.“Look, Veronica warned me to not force you to tackle some issues before it’s necessary and apparently this falls in the least important category. Without giving too much away she basically told me that this will sort itself out as you progress,” Max assures me and I am feeling relieved. “I just wanted to see first what you would say without knowing I will give in for now,” he smirks. “So, my beloved niece. Anything else uncle Max can help you with,” he asks rather cheekily.“I don’t know, maybe you can let us borrow the spare night vision cameras for the dorms?”Max stares at me blankly.“We figured they are too expensive to buy and install permanently as initiation is less than a month. We want to prevent any eye stabbing or harassment. The cameras are a deterrent and we will only check them if something happens that warrants it. Oh, while we are at it... can we add some extra cameras to the corridors leading to the chasm? We don’t have to monitor the chasm itself, but it will be good to see who is coming and going.”“Why would we need to see who is coming and going. If you want to monitor the chasm just put a camera right there. Might save a few suicides,” Max concludes.“I thought of giving those making out a bit more privacy but the suicide watch is a good idea if we can combine it with a transmitter to talk to the person straight away. That means we will have to have control room staff trained for these situations,” I continue and sigh. “What have I started,” I lament without really meaning it to sound bad.“Welcome to leadership, where the work never ends,” Max jokes. “I like the idea and I will talk to the control room supervisors to see what they think. Anything else?”I shake my head. “Good, then we will both meet again on... Tuesday. We have to make it an early one as I am heading for Candor or does Thursday suit you better?” I shrug. “Tuesday morning is fine with me.”“Great, now if you will excuse me. I have another boring faction meeting coming up,” he sighs and turns back to his computer, effectively dismissing me. I grab my papers and my now oxidised and unappealing looking apple and head over to my own office. This time I am prepared and set the papers down while I unlock my office.The rest of the day is just finishing as much work as possible before I head into my two well deserved days off.The increasing folder for initiation is the only one I take home with me to work on whenever the muse strikes. … Tobias surprises me with the announcement that he has to pull a double shift and a night shift the next day. Seems there is a second bout of the flu going around, striking everyone who did not have it before. It’s fucking March, people, just dress appropriately! So, when I suddenly find myself alone at home, I think it is the perfect opportunity to test some things out.Yesterday’s bath fiasco made me realise that I never have a problem washing myself down below during a shower or previous baths. What was the difference? Was it because I read the steamy novel beforehand and I was more aware of the sexual nature of my touches? Was it because I focused on where I was touching and approaching it with the knowledge that it will turn sexual if I manage to proceed?I, personally, come to the conclusion that it is similar to being selfish. If I do it unintentionally, I feel bad afterwards and question my choices. But if I plan on being selfish all is good. What if I need to stop thinking about touching myself while touching myself in order to be successful? Is that even something possible?I highlight this question for Johanna to answer when we meet next.In the meantime I have a shower and try to think about something else, anything really, to distract myself when I need to wash myself. I am too aware now and I already feel how tense my muscles are in preparation. Damn it!Tobias has to help me out next time. He was really good in helping me distract myself. Although his line of questioning was a bit uncomfortable. Why does he think I have mellowed Eric? That’s highly unlikely but maybe someday someone will be able to tame him and make him more human.Well, he is human, but he needs to learn to be more humane. Although he has been really helpful. His concern for my tattoos was a surprise, I am the first to admit. He can care about people. He showed this. He doesn’t like nosey people or he wouldn’t have gone through the lengthy process of securing the storage room.So why am I the one he is letting in? What is so different about me? Nothing comes to mind, but maybe it has something to do with where I am from? I grew up with the mantra of not expecting others to do things for me but to do them myself. To not seek people out because of what they can do for me but because of who they are.But Tobias is the same! I am still puzzled but the whole thing and my thoughts are all over the place until I am looking down and see my hand right in between my legs. As soon as my brain registers where my hand is my legs slam shut.“Fucking hell,” I curse loudly. Shit, why did I look down again? Yes, because I actually wanted to see my reactions to these scenarios. I use my free hand to pull my other hand free and luckily I am able to.On that low note I finish my shower and get ready for bed.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Tris POV
The next day I am harshly woken when a freezing cold body comes into contact with my warm form.“No, no, no,” I moan. “Go away,” I cry out and try to push Tobias to the side.“Come on, Tris, you don’t want me to get sick, do you?”“That’s unfair,” I whine and make space so he can lie in my warm spot while I grab my bathrobe to prevent the chill to seep into my bones.“Come back to bed, Tris,” Tobias complaints.I lie down with my bathrobe on his cold side of the bed and he pulls me in close.I screech whenever his cold nose moves too close for comfort just as his hands sneak under the fabric of my robe. I throw the covers off me and glare at him.“That was mean,” I declare and stomp my foot for good measure. “Fuck, the floor is cold,” I cry and grab a pair of thick socks.“The heating failed and the whole compound is cooling down fast,” Tobias explains and I curse.“Max is in charge this weekend, have you seen him?”“No,” Tobias replies and I curse a bit more.“Sleep, I will get ready and track Max down.”“Hot water is connected to the same system as the radiators. You might want to have that shower now or there will be no hot water later!”Shit!Tobias chuckles. “Your potty mouth is getting worse,” he teases.Well, apparently I am speaking my thoughts out loud now too. I rush through another shower and then make my way through the faction looking for Max. I find Veronica in the maintenance office, having a shouting match with one of the supervisors.I quietly step beside her and take her hand. It works and she calms down slightly.“So you are telling me that we neglected to sign the paperwork to replace a broken part for one boiler and the whole system broke in a chain reaction?!” Veronica sounds disbelieving and I understand her frustration immediately.“Who did you give the paperwork to and when,” I interrupt in order to get the facts straight.The man looks at me wide eyed and I suspect he knows something he doesn’t want to share.“Well,” I question.“We gave the form to Ron,” he relays.“When,” I ask, feeling exasperated by his unwillingness to divulge information.“I will have to double check,” he ducks his head and I know there is more.“The day,” I growl.“Yesterday,” he admits almost inaudibly.“And since when do you know that you needed replacement parts,” I follow up.He swallows. “A while,” he finally admits.Veronica is back to cursing but I hold her hand tighter.“Get a hold of Ron and get him to bring the form to us right away,” I demand. “Where do we get our spare parts from,” I ask the man.“They are made on demand within the department,” he admits.I take a deep breath to center myself.“So let me get this straight. You knew there was a problem, you filled out the forms required for the spare part yesterday and gave them to Ron. You need the form to be allowed to build the spare part from scratch in your own department and now you are blaming us for not signing the bloody form?”My own voice is rising now and I am ready to wring his neck when two strong hands land on my shoulders. I am pulled back and behind a large frame that blocks my view of the imbecile whose job was to keep Dauntless warm.I can hear footsteps and then Ron rushes in. He takes one look at me holding Veronica’s hand and Eric standing in front of us, effectively preventing us from advancing on the supervisor.“Here,” he thrusts the papers into Eric’s hands and steps in front of Veronica.“Those were on my desk when I got in this morning. This means they were dropped off after six yesterday evening,” he explains and the red haze in front of my eyes gets darker.“You fucking moron,” I shout over Eric’s form. “The flu is already making rounds and now you basically guaranteed that more members will be ill. Good job,” I seethe and Eric turns around. He looks worried at my outburst but only raises an eyebrow in question.“The infirmary will be full before we know it, we will be understaffed and it could all have been prevented if people thought ahead,” I explain. Eric nods in agreement but doesn’t budge regarding his position right in front of me.“I think we will need to get this sorted right away, don’t you think, Jonas,” he addresses the supervisor. “Here,” he takes the form and scribbles his signature on the bottom,” take this and get the new part worked on right away. Have an engineer examine the damage and send me a form right away with any other replacement parts that become necessary now that you fucked up.” With those words he turns around, takes my hand and leads Veronica and me out of the room. He doesn’t stop in the hallway, no, he and Ron drag us all the way to his office where he pulls me down beside him on his sofa.“What has gotten into you two,” he questions. “I never thought I would be the one telling you two to take a step back and calm the fuck down,” he growls and I growl right back.“I was woken to a fucking freezing body sliding into bed. I have every right to be pissed off,” I seethe and he looks at me incredulously.Even Veronica looks at me with her mouth hanging open. “Don’t tell me you were not ready to deck the asshole when I got there,” I state boldly.“Max is coming down with the fucking flu and with the heating broken it will be a disaster,” she whines and I wince.“Ron, where is Oscar,” Eric asks.“I’ll check on him,” Ron offers and runs out of the office.“Max is out,” I ask Veronica and she nods. “Are you feeling sick yet,” I follow up.“Maybe,” she admits. “We don’t have enough capacity in the infirmary to keep everyone there which means we will have to accept family and friends taking time off to look after those sick at home. Max is out, I might be out, then it’s just the three of you left. We need to borrow more nurses. Eric you ask Jeanine, Tris, you ask Johanna and I will talk to Marcus about having some volunteers from Abnegation come in and take care of the easier tasks,” she concludes and I gape at her.“Marcus is not allowed to set foot into Dauntless,” I declare boldly.“I don’t give a shit who comes for as long as we have enough people to take care of the faction and the sick,” she declares and I growl.“You let Marcus in and I will stay at home, guarding my fucking front door,” I scream. “Then you will be another leader down.”There is a loud whistle and then Eric roars at us. “Shut the fuck up, both of you. This is ridiculous behavior, what has gotten into you two? Are you PMSing?”I gasp at that but realize he is spot on for me. Veronica, on the other hand, narrows her eyes at him, steps forward and slaps him hard enough across the cheek that his head moves to the side.I do the first thing that comes to mind, which is moving my ass and sitting down on Eric’s lap to stop him from getting up and retaliating.Veronica huffs and throws herself onto the other sofa.“Don’t ever talk to me like that again,” she warns.“Then get your shit together and act like the oldest leader we have on the team!” Eric doesn’t think about the effect of his words before he speaks them. I am sure of that now.“The most mature leader, you mean, don’t you?” Veronica’s tone is ice cold and for the first time in my life I do see the utterly ruthless Dauntless leader that my aunt can be when needed.“Not at the moment,” Eric replies and I think I have to throw myself on Veronica instead of Eric.“You little shit,” she screams at him once more while I just keep wondering what alternative reality I woke up to. “If you were able to get up I would kick your ass so badly, your ego will stay bruised until next year.”“Excuse me?” I cough in shock at how this escalates. I can feel Eric’s muscles tighten under me and hastily turn around to keep him seated. I squeeze my thighs around his and grab onto the back of the couch, holding on for dear life.“Shit!” The air leaves Eric’s lungs audibly as I accidentally knock it out of him. It does the trick though and he stops trying to get up for a moment but a moment is all I need.“What is wrong with you,” I ask my aunt full of concern. She breaks out in tears and I am stunned.“Pregnancy hormones,” is all I hear.“Uh...” I look at Eric for help, but he doesn’t seem to know what to say either.At this exact moment Ron comes running back into the office but comes to a screeching halt when he sees us.“What the fuck,” he exclaims.“Just a preventive measure,” I declare, nodding at Eric’s trapped form under me. “She’s pregnant,” I nod towards Veronica who stopped crying but is hiccuping now.“Oscar’s out with the flu,” Ron adds.“Shit,” I moan. Okay, Tris, you can take charge of the situation.“Veronica,” I start softly and she looks at me. “Why don’t you go to my apartment and rest on the couch. It might be a good choice if you don’t come into contact with too many sick people. Four can set you up and you can email instructions out to everyone,” I suggest and she nods with a sigh.“I am fucking tired,” she admits.“Then go have a nap,” I recommend. “Just knock loud enough to wake Four and he will sort everything out for you. We both had the flu last time and it’s unlikely we will catch it again so you are good. We will take care of everything else,” I promise.Veronica nods but then smiles at me devilishly. The look says it all and I am glad she doesn’t voice whatever goes through her mind.She is already through the door, Ron hot on her heels to help her move some things from the office into my apartment when it comes.“Have fun,” she shouts and the door closes.I sigh in relief and let my head fall forward, but I am reminded where I am sitting when it hits hard muscle and bones.My head shoots up again and I stare at Eric. How could I forget I am sitting on his lap? Why hasn’t he pushed me aside yet?“You are nice and warm,” Eric states out of the blue, as if that would explain why he hasn’t moved me.There is no comeback forthcoming, so I keep staring at him with a blank mind. His arms come up around me and push me closer into his frame. When I am fully pressed against him he shivers.“Are you getting sick,” I ask tentatively.“No, I don’t get sick,” he states boldly. “I take good care of myself,” he boasts without letting me go.I laugh out loud at that. “You might try to take care of yourself but you still swap spit with every available female when the opportunity comes up. Logically you should be one of the first people to get sick,” I tease.“No, I don’t,” he replies and I snort.“Eric, you are one of the reasons the rumor mill has something to talk about, and I have seen you often enough to know how true they are. If it’s a female looking your way, chances are high your tongue will be stuck down her throat shortly afterwards.”“Judging by the way we have been looking at each other it would mean my tongue will be down your throat shortly,” he teases. “Which proves that you are wrong.”“No, because I am your equal, a co-worker, not some hussy out to get laid by a leader. How can you stand being used for your standing in the faction,” I ask, honestly curious about his reasoning.Eric doesn’t reply with words, he simply closes his eyes and holds me tight.I decide to give him a minute and then I will detangle myself.Why am I even giving him this time? Is it because he acts so differently with me? I have to admit I like being treated differently by the grumpy ass. It makes me feel special and gives me an ego boost I never expected, which makes it all the more cherished.This makes me think back to what Tobias said two days ago about Eric’s intentions. Are they really that pure and simple as to wanting an ally in the office?Tobias thinks Eric is up to something, but why do I still feel the urge to be his friend and give him this chance to prove he can be loyal? I mean, apart from initiation he hasn’t done anything to me. Thinking back, I realise even then it was not really Eric himself. Yes, he assigned me to fight Peter, but Peter did the bruising and landed me in the infirmary. Not Eric. Eric had Tobias throw knives at me, but those were meant for Al and I stepped in and volunteered to take the punishment. He hung Christina over the Chasm! No, Veronica told me afterwards that Max punished him for that. He was put on forced leave and then got stuck with paperwork for a whole month.I was told he failed to teach a valuable lesson about never giving up, no matter how strong the opponent is when he just punished her without explaining the reasoning behind not being allowed to give up.I can feel my eyes getting heavier and the heat is just so ... comforting.… I wake up to the sound of a door shutting quietly. Don’t ask me why that woke me when I am surrounded by loud snoring. I turn my head and look right at Eric. His head rolled back and rests against the back of the couch, his mouth is slightly open and he is snoring louder than I ever heard Tobias snore when beyond drunk.Surprisingly, his arms are still around me, holding me close to him.He is roasting and I can feel my shirt clinging to me with the moisture of perspiration.Eww...I slowly move backwards but Eric’s arms won’t budge and I am a bit trapped.“Eric,” I whisper.Nothing.“Eric?” I run my nose along his cheek because my hands are stuck under his arm and behind his back respectively.“Hmmm,” he sighs and readjusts me on him.Really?!The change in position allows me to finally move my hands and I gently push his arms aside, slowly moving backward over his legs.“No,” he moans without waking up. “Sooo good,” he groans and moves his hips forward.That’s when I realize one of my forearms is lying across his crotch and pressing against his erection.Shit!With renewed energy I detangle myself and stand up. I look down my body to take stock. The pullover is plastered to my skin and I pull it away, feeling the chilling effect of the still cold room.I check the clock on the wall and I am relieved to see it has just been a little over thirty minutes.Behind me the snoring has started again and I decide to run to my office for a change of clothes. I have never been more glad to have my gym bag stashed there.I make sure my office door is still locked and change quickly, praying to whoever is listening that Eric doesn’t wake up right this moment and decides to come looking for me.Seems luck is on my side and I put the sweaty clothes into the bag to take home to wash later.I don’t want Eric to get sick so I grab my blanket and pillow from the closet and walk back into his office. His position hasn’t changed and I put the pillow beside him and the blanket over him. Deciding to get started on getting the faction sorted I leave his storage room door open and do the same with mine to show him where I have gone.The first thing I do is contact the infirmary to get an update on the amount of patients with flu. The numbers are not good and I decide my next step is to find out about the maintenance work on the broken heating system.I walk out and over to Ron’s desk. He is gone but a note tells me he is gone to check out exactly that situation. Great! I add my own note to come and see me immediately and that there is no need for knocking. Back in my office I call Erudite and ask for additional medical personnel to cover around the clock care plus additional medication. Doctors told me we are running a bit low.I get lucky and my father picks up the phone when I call Abnegation and he is willing to send volunteers. Johanna promises me ten nurses for day and night if I can provide transportation.The commanding officer at the fence assures me they have enough vehicles to provide transportation if I am able to secure him two extra staff members for the next week.That is easily accomplished by calling in a few favors and a lovely threat to Peter to get his ass back to the fence or else.These are the moments I love ranking first! I pull a piece of paper in front of me and start my list. Erudite: 5 doctors + 5 nurses - need accommodationAbnegation: volunteers ? number - going homeAmity: 10 day nurses + 10 night nurses - need transportation Fence guards owed time off: Shauna, Peter, Joshua, Jane I pick up the phone again and dial the number for Abnegation. To my surprise it’s not my father but my mother picking up.“Uh, hi mom,” I start and I hear her yelp. “I am just calling to ask dad if he needs me to send transportation for the volunteers.”“Oh, Beatrice, I think he is organising a bus but we can let you know once we have the final numbers.”“Are you volunteering,’ I ask, unable to hide the excitement from my voice.“Of course I am. Will I be seeing you?”“I am pretty sure. We are down to two leaders,” I admit.“Oh no, don’t tell me both Max and Veronica are out sick.” Mother sounds a bit scared at that prospect.“Uh, Max is sick and apparently Veronica is pregnant. She had a minor melt down and I sent her to hide in my apartment. I presume she is napping for she said she was tired when she left.”There is silence on the other end.“Hello?”Nothing. I look down at the phone and it seems to be connected.“Mom,” I try again and I finally hear her breathing.“Are you okay,” I ask tentatively.I can hear her clear her throat. “Yes, I am fine. Just a little shocked to hear this,” she admits and it dawns on me that she has no idea that the cat is out of the bag.“So you are not excited to become an aunt,” I tease and finally hear her chuckle.“You know,” she sounds relieved.“The whole faction knows,” I admit.“Great,” she sighs. “I better go hide in your apartment too.”“No,” I exclaim. “Well, at least come and see me before you do.”“I will see you soon,” mom promises and I hang up.“Your mother is coming,” says a rough voice from beside me and the screech escapes my mouth before I can clamp it shut.“Shit,” I exclaim while I gulp big breaths of air.“Eric,” he teasingly corrects.“Are you feeling better,” I ask to distract myself.“I wasn’t feeling sick, Tris,” he tells me.“Yet you proclaimed I was ‘nice and warm’ before you fell asleep on me,” I state with a surprisingly blank face.“It is fucking cold, Tris. One would think it to be warmer giving that we are in March,” he complains gruffly. “And I don’t remember you getting up after you planted yourself on me to protect your aunt,” he admonishes.“It was nice and warm,” I admit with a grin.“Did you fall asleep too,” he asks and I look at him.“Yes, for a little while,” I admit, carefully weighing my words and options.Eric runs his hand through his hair and for the first time down I notice it actually looks messy and not styled. As in, he did not put any products in at all.I feel like touching it, so I decide to sit on my hands which, of course, Eric sees immediately.His eyebrow rises but he doesn’t say anything, yet I offer a lame excuse. “I am cold.” It’s not a lie.He wordlessly turns around and walks into his office, returning with the blanket and pillow seconds later.“Come on,” he gestures to my sofa.I grab my paper and tablet before I follow him.He sits down and pats the seat next to himOnce we are both seated he puts the blanket over both of our shoulders. It is intimate yet not uncomfortable.I show him the paper.“That’s good, but what we really need to work on is the heating,” Eric admits.“Ron should be back soon with an update,” I explain why I haven’t tackled this one yet. “We need accommodation for the Erudite staff. Any ideas,” I ask.“Dorms,” Eric suggests and I cringe.“Do you remember your initiation? They haven’t gotten any better. I suggested an upgrade, Max refused that request outright,” I admit without shame.“It’s the best option and we can separate them by gender if they want to. Give them some extra pillows, blankets and amenities and they should be okay for a few days."“Do we have all these things or do we need to buy them from one of the shops,” I ask curiously.“We’ll check what we have in storage and take it from there. The dorms have not been heated in a while and will be freezing. This is only a solution for when the heating is up and running,” Eric admits and I curse, which causes him to chuckle with glee. “You are turning into a real Dauntless,” he teases.“I was born Dauntless,” I declare with sass. No idea where it’s coming from but I am rolling with it.“That you were, even if you got stuck in Abnegation for a while,” Eric admits and I gape at him. “Tris, I am not stupid,” he starts and I chuckle.“Never said you were, Nose...”A rather vicious growl stops me.“Oh, shut up, Eric. It’s no secret that you transferred to Dauntless from Erudite. If you wanted people to forget you should have acted differently,” I admonish and it seems I have caught him off guard. “Now, first of all, you can’t keep going around calling people by any type of faction reference and not expect the same to be done to you. Second, don’t you ever growl at me like this. We agreed to a truce and that means you need to relax. I am not the enemy unless you make me into one. You won’t see me react like that to your teasing. Now, if you walk through the faction acting like you are the bee’s knees then you need to be prepared for new people asking about you. If you want to make them forget then you should try to go the less confrontational way and blend in more with the regular Dauntless.”“There is nothing regular about me.” Cocky Eric is back and he is giving me whiplash.“If you say so,” I say lamely.“I can proof it to you.” If I didn’t know better I would think he is flirting. For now, I decide to have some fun and play along.I make sure my eyes are fully open before I tilt my head and look up at his face. My whole body turns towards him and I run my hands up his chest and towards his shoulders. I gently bite my lip and his eyes get drawn to the movement.“How would you proof it to me,” I ask and I don’t have to fake the huskiness in my voice. My fingers move further along his collarbones and link behind his neck.“Tris...,” Eric starts but the door opens and Ron walks in. I have to give him credit, his steps only falter for a moment and then he pretends like there is nothing unusual about walking into my office to find me under a blanket with Eric, my arms around his neck and his face rather close to mine.“Good and bad news,” he states instead. “The heating will be fixed,” he puts a rather long list on the table and I don’t think twice before I take my pen and sign. “But they doubt it will be today.”“Shit,” I exclaim in chorus to Eric’s impressive curse.“Joshua knew you guys would react this way and wants me to tell you they have some space heaters that are used for tasks where you need to have a warm and dry environment. He will let us have all he’s got but they are not that many,” Ron warns.I look at Eric. “What now?”“Now my superior upbringing is going to help us out,” he boasts and I can see Ron looks surprised yet is unable to prevent the eye roll.I just clear my throat. Loudly.Eric ignores me and gets up from the couch and grabs my telephone. He keeps eye contact while he dials and then. “Hello Jeanine, I do need to borrow some equipment, if possible.” He waits for whatever she wants to talk about. “No, I think the staff you allowed us is plenty but our heating is going to be broken for longer than anticipated and we need to borrow everything that works like a space heater and is safe to be used indoors.” He listens intently. “Of course.” ... “Certainly” ... “Yes, I will look into that for you.” ... “If you insist.” ... “goodbye.”Eric turns back to us and gives us a wide smile.Ron is the first to cave. “And?!”“She has a different version to Joshua’s heater, an experiment of sorts. It’s past the prototype stage but not available for commission just yet. She is willing to make an exemption in return for a favour.” I groan loudly. “ Relax, Tris. This is something personal for her.”“Why does that thought scare me even more,” I ask.“She is not asking for our firstborn, Tris, she simply wants to be allowed to come and observe over the period that she is helping us out. She wants full access to medical files and observe patients when they are outside of their own homes,” Eric explains.“I think we have to run this by Veronica, I would feel better if we had three leaders talking it through,” I admit.“Don’t you trust me?” Eric sounds hurt. I put my hand out and lie it down on his chest, right where I can feel his heart beating.“It’s her I don’t trust,” I admit. “In the past she always had an agenda and it was not the one she publicly claimed it to be.”“Tris, she distanced herself from her past. We need to give her a fair chance. People can change,” he states.“Look, all I am asking for is that the three of us agree it is a good idea. That’s three out of five which would have put a vote in her favour. There will be no shouts about bias on your side if Veronica and I agree,” I explain gently.Eric looks me in the eye and then nods in concession of my wisdom.Ron clears his throat. “We need more boots on the ground. You two can’t look after the faction on your own with all this shit going on and I don’t have the authority to do half the stuff you guys do, so my help is limited.”“Do we have any backup plans for such a scenario,” I ask both of them.“Not that I am aware of,” Eric admits while Ron shakes his head ‘no’.“We delegate to the highest ranked supervisors in the divisions to make decisions on Dauntless business themselves and if they find themselves stuck they come to us,” I suggest.“That’s what they already do, Tris. We are the ones taking charge and ordering changes. They just execute and make sure things work for daily operations. No, we need to temporarily assign leaders and give them full power.”“Shit, and who do you suggest we choose for that? They need some training,” I add.“Hana,” Eric suggests, and Ron and I nod.“What about Tori,” I ask. Ron nods vehemently but Eric looks contemplative. “She knows basically every member, she is ex-Erudite and I think she might be a great liaison in getting the Erudite volunteers where they need to go. And that is something we still have to figure out,” I trail off and keep looking at him.“We can talk to her and see what she says. Why don’t we go and talk to Veronica? Ron, will you call us if we are needed here,” Eric asks.“Sure, you taking the radio?”Eric shrugs.“I’ll get them,” Ron offers and runs out.“How do you feel about temporarily promoting Ron,” I whisper.Eric leans closer and whispers into my ear. “Why are you whispering?”I feel goosebumps rise on my arms and shiver.“I don’t want him to overhear me asking if you think it is a bad idea,” I relay my thoughts.“He is a candidate,” Eric admits. “I just don’t know if he will be of greater value if he doesn’t stick around to coordinate for us. He knows the ins and outs of this office and procedures. I feel we will benefit of him guiding the substitutes.”Eric is so close, his breath constantly fans over my face and he smells really good. I don’t know why I did not notice this earlier, but I do now.A hand on my shoulder brings me out of my musings and I am staring into Eric’s enquiring gaze.“Are you feeling okay there, Tris? If you feel like you are getting sick you have to let me know,” he gently admonishes.“I am fine, just thought of something unrelated. Sorry!” No, not really, but he doesn’t need to know that.“Liar,” he tweaks my nose and I feel like he is treating me like a child.“Hey,” I whisper shout.“Do you two want me to leave you alone,” a teasing voice from the door says and I screech loudly with happiness.My screech must have startled Eric for his arms come around me and press me hard into his chest.“Hi mom,” I wheeze out and Eric’s hold on me loosens when my words register with him. His arms don’t fall down though and he simply turns his head towards where my mother stands in the doorway to my office.“Come in. Would you like to sit down,” I offer.“Sure.” Mom comes in and closes the door behind her. Apparently Ron left it open when he ran to get the radios.She eyes my throat and smiles brightly. “Congratulations,” she smiles brightly and I grin.“I’m Natalie.” Mom offers Eric her hand and he finally lets me go to shake her hand.“Eric,” is all he says.Of course Ron comes back at this moment.“Oh my gosh, when did you slip past me, bitch,” he exclaims, and I look at him in shocked surprise while I start to choke on my own spit. Eric helpfully slaps my back which is still conveniently close to his recently dropped hands.“If you were a better Dauntless you would have noticed me,” mom states calmly.“Whatever,” Ron mutters.“You are still a brat,” mom adds and I can’t hold back.“Excuse me, what the fuck is going on here?”“Language, Beatrice,” mom admonishes.“Beatrice,” Ron snickers as if he never heard my full name before.“There is nothing wrong with the name I chose for my daughter, Ronald Lindsey.”This time Eric can’t keep quiet either.“I take it you know each other,” I state lamely.“I babysat him,” mom explains. “Even changed his dirty diapers,” she adds and I can see Ron cringe.“Okay,” Eric tries to take charge. “That is all very nice. Ron, do you have the radios?”Ron holds up a bag. “Good, now can we set them up and get going? The faction won’t survive if everyone freezes to death.”“Seems you are cozy and warm over there,” mom quips and then slaps her hand over her mouth.“Problem fitting into the faction you chose,” I tease.“Let’s get going.” Mom stands up and we follow.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Tris POV
The radios work just fine and we make our way to my apartment to talk to Veronica.She is more than surprised to see mom but grateful for her presence. Tobias is hovering around in the background, unsure what to do while mom takes everything in but doesn’t comment further.We leave mom and Tobias in the living room in order to talk privately in the bedroom. It feels a bit weird to do this here but we might have to talk about things that Veronica does not want to broadcast.“Tori is a good choice and I support Hana’s temporary promotions as well. I am not sure about Jeanine coming over and hanging around Dauntless. She might have given up on hunting Divergents but it doesn’t mean that she won’t gain knowledge that she will use against us at a later time. Erudite was always one of our main allies when it came to sorting out differences between factions but I still want to err on the side of cauton. Tori might be a good choice to liaise with Erudite and I want you to deal with Jeanine, Eric. Okay, here is what I would like to do, I would like to ask Four to be interim leader as well.” She holds up her hand to stop my protest in its tracks. “He will have to agree himself, Tris. It’s his choice though and you will need to accept it either way. No need to protect him.” She looks me straight in the eye. “I know he had his reasons for declining the position in the first place but a lot has happened since. I want you to stay outside when I ask him. Eric, you may stay.”And with that I am pushed out the door while she calls Tobias in. Mom looks at me knowingly. I purposely stay silent.“You are aware he looks a lot like his mother,” mom starts and I sigh. “I am not going to pry, but I hope he is good to you,” she leaves the question open and I wonder what she knows.“He is my best friend,” I state quietly as to not be overheard by the others in my bedroom.“And that’s all he is,” mom pries.“It’s complicated,” I simply reply.She chuckles. “I bet it is. Abnegation is hard to leave behind, no matter how much you want to do so. Something always climbs back out of the pit.” She takes a deep breath and steps closer. “I hope you know that your father and I want you to be truly happy. Whether that is with Tobias Eaton or with someone like Eric...” she leaves the end open and I chuckle darkly,“Let’s just say that at the moment my relationship with Four is just what I need. Eric is just a co-worker I am starting to get along with.”“Maybe you do need some time to reflect,” mom cryptically states, but I don’t get the chance to follow up. The bedroom door opens and Tobias waves at me before they all step out. He comes over and hugs me to him. I know he needs the comfort and I return the hug, gently kissing his cheek when I look questioningly into his eyes.“I am doing it,” he states and my breath catches. This is big!Veronica claps her hands.“Can we please sit down and get this shit sorted? I am tired and freezing cold,” she complains.“Would you like some extra layers,” I offer. I could do with some myself.“Uh, if you don’t mind.”I get her a thick pullover and a scarf, grabbing the same for myself and mom.“Natalie, where are the Abnegation volunteers,” Veronica asks mom and I feel like slapping myself for never asking.“Still in Abnegation, I presume. Thought you could use the company, Ronnie.”“Always, Nat,” Veronica replies. I can totally see the family resemblance now. … “Okay, we have Eric shadowing Jeanine. Tori will keep an eye on the Erudite staff. Four, I think it would be good if you stick to the Amity that will arrive shortly and Tris you assign the Abnegation volunteers. Hana and Ron will work on running the faction under my guiding hand while I stay put and take care of all the paperwork.”Veronica leans back and sighs deeply.“Accommodation for the Erudite needs to be sorted. We thought about the dorms, but we need to get the heating going first. Joshua had a long list of replacement parts and it won’t get done today. He has some space heaters and Jeanine will give us more. It won’t be enough for each apartment to get one so we need to make a game plan,” I explain our dilemma.“We can ask those with bigger apartments to give away their spare rooms to friends. The more people together, the easier it will be to provide heat to all,” Eric suggests.“Why don’t you deliver the first ones to the crèche and daycare. Children are amongst the most vulnerable,” mom injects herself into the mix.“We need to provide supervision,” Four adds.“If I may suggest something,” mom interrupts once more. “We could house some families in Abnegation. We have empty houses and the community center.”I look at Eric, Veronica and Tobias. I think we all know that pride is not the right thing to hold onto.“We could ask the daycare workers to relocate to Abnegation with some of the families. It is just until we have the heating fixed. It could be for just a day,” I admit.“Then we will bring the suggestion up once Abnegation officially confirms the invitation,” Veronica concludes. “Eric?”“On it.” He leaves the apartment to get started.“We need to start on finding out who is out sick in their own home. Will you do that,” Veronica looks at Tobias who nods and leaves as well.“I think putting all Erudite into the dorms is a good idea. We can easily house them all in one if they don’t mind and this makes heating the space worthwhile.”“Not to sound rude, but what about the bathrooms? There is no privacy there and they will want to have separate ones for males and females,” I add.Veronica thinks about it for a moment.“We will open two dorms, put extra bedding and toiletries in. What is not taken up by Erudite is available to our own members. There should be enough that won’t mind sharing with Erudite if it means a warm space.”She is right.“Then I will get started on setting things up. Maybe Jeanine doesn’t want to stick around under these circumstances,” I tease and Veronica chuckles. “I bet she will keep an extra heater for just that occasion, Tris. Uhm, thanks for letting me stay here, I don’t feel good going back to Max. Maybe someone can check on him for me soon?” She looks at me imploringly and I nod. “Tris, something else. Eric offered to let you and Four have his spare room. You would be next door to Max and I wouldn’t feel bad about taking your bed away.”“Don’t worry about us, you take good care of yourself,” I state.“Four agreed to talk to you about it but I wanted to give you a heads up.”“If he is okay with it then I have no objections,” I explain and mom smirks again.“What?!”“Oh, you will see it eventually,” she chuckles.“Really?!”“Yes, really. Go and get things sorted. I am going to keep Veronica company.” Mom basically pushes me out the door. … Max is in bad shape. After I reassure him Veronica is just fine and staying in my apartment he visibly relaxes. I get him some soup and he eats it while I change the sheets and towels, and start a load of laundry.Afterwards I explain all that we planned and he agrees this is the best solution giving our misfortune of all this happening at the same time.The displacement of some Dauntless families bothers him but he agrees that we need to give them a choice.I leave with the promise of checking on him later and that I will keep him updated. On my way to the dorms I grab Tori and explain all that is going on. She agrees rather reluctantly to be interim leader and I get the feeling it has more to do being stuck with Erudite than leadership. She understands my reasoning that Tobias and I should not tempt them too much and the fact we all have to deal with different factions takes the sting off the request.After inspecting the dorms we make a list of what we need to make them more comfortable for our visitors and split up to get everything.Joshua brings the heaters upon my request and when I return with the first stack of fresh sheets you can already feel the difference in temperature.It takes a while to set up, as the quantity means many trips and there are not enough people around that I could take away from their duties to help me carry stuff.Eric radioes that Abnegation officially invited the families using the creche and daycare to come and stay. He is doing the rounds, offering the invitation and sorting through the sick as we want them to stay behind.Tobias is making progress as well but he has to resort to taking a doctor on his round though the apartments as a lot of members downplay how sick they are. Our list of people able to work is dwindling by the second and I am getting worried about this virus being different than the previous flu strain that took me out for a week.That worry gets so big, I finally can’t help myself and go to the infirmary to ask the doctors directly. They agree to do some testing but think it is just the extremely long winter in combination with working outside and our diet that made us more susceptible to coming down with the flu. If you ignore your symptoms instead of taking it easy... well, look no further than Max and you know what you get.The way we congregate in the cafeteria and Pit is another factor and we will definitely make better preparations for the coming winter. … This whole scenario is a herulean task, but we get it sorted by the end of the day.Erudite is taking care of the overflow patients from the infirmary. Amity has the apartments with sick people split in between them and the Abnegation are shadowing Amity, staying behind to take care of additional needs like what I did for Max. Make the beds, wash the laundry, clean up a bit.I see Jeanine follow Eric around like a guard dog its owner, but I never take the time to stop and find out more. I manage to meet up with Tobias when I bring mom and Veronica dinner. Mom isn’t sure if she should stay or go at this point and I use the opportunity, while she isn’t discussing this with Veronica, to take him into our bedroom.“What are we going to do tonight,” I ask him directly.“I don’t know, Tris.” He rubs his neck. “We can let your mom and Veronica share the bed and we will find somewhere else to go tonight.”“And where do you think we should go,” I ask calmly. I wanted him to bring this up himself.“Eric invited us to stay in his spare bedroom,” Tobias admits and looks at me to see what I am thinking,“And you are okay with that,” I ask, the surprise evident in my voice.“Yeah, I think I can do this for a night or two. We will just sleep there and that’s it. It’s not like he is my new best friend, but I do appreciate the effort he is putting in with you. If this is my contribution, it is something I can live with,” he adds.“Wow,” I state, “I never thought I would see the day that you and Eric bury the hatchet,” I admit.“So you agree to spending the night with Eric,” Tobias checks but I simply raise my brow, trying to suppress my grin, until he chuckles. “Are you in agreement that taking up residence in Eric’s spare room is fine until our heating works again,” Tobias rephrases and I nod.“That’s fine, I promised Max I would check in on him and I can do that better when we are close. If mom stays with Veronica I won’t worry about her either. Just so you know, Max keeps pestering me about moving into the leadership wing. He will use this to his advantage once he is better,” I warn.“We will cross that bridge when we get to it,” Tobias declares and we both move to pack a bag.Mom and Veronica came to an agreement also. Mom is going to stay here, to my relief and despite Veronica’s protests. The alternative was Veronica going home with mom and she did not want to do that either. … Tobias radios Eric and we agree to meet in the leadership wing.It seems we are first and Tobias waits for Eric while I check in on Max. He is asleep, so I leave him a note and something to eat on the nightstand.I quickly put the laundry in the dryer and leave. Eric has arrived and both men turn to greet me when I exit.“How is Max,” Eric asks.“Could be better. He should have stayed home yesterday from the look of it,” I declare. “He’ll live and just needs someone to check on him regularly. I did not want to wake him so I left him meds and food,” I add.“Okay, shall we?” Eric gestures to the apartment next to Max’s.He lets us in and I am surprised at how immaculate everything is before I remember this is Eric’s apartment and can not be compared to Zeke’s or Uriah’s. Those are a category on their own.“The spare bedroom is right through here.” Eric opens the door for us and I see the room has a double bed in it. “The bathroom is right here,” he opens another door. “It’s all yours, I have an en-suite in mine,”Tobias and I simply nod.“Did you eat dinner yet?”“I only snacked throughout the day,” I admit and look at Tobias for his answer.“The same,” he admits.“Cafeteria or take away,” Eric asks.“Are you eating too,” I ask, and he nods.“I am fucking tired,” I admit. ‘I don’t mind grabbing something real quick to eat here and then I just want to shower and sleep.”“Why don’t you shower and I grab the food,” Tobias offers and Eric nods. “Any preference?”“Whatever they have left,” Eric answers and I agree wholeheartedly.“I’ll be back soon.” With a quick kiss for me and a nod of his head to Eric Tobias is gone.Eric looks at the door and then at me. “I’ll get you some towels,” he says and moves away.Unsure what to do I grab some warm pajamas from my bag, Eric does not have a heater at home and it’s freezing. I am contemplating skipping my shower but I do need one.Eric knocks and hands me a stack of surprisingly fluffy towels when I open the bathroom door.“I am going to shower in the other bathroom,” is all he says before closing the door.I can’t help myself, I just have to bury my face in these towels. They are amazing! And they smell really good on top of that.I start the shower and strip before stepping into the spray. I should have checked the temperature first but the thought that we could be out of hot water never occurred to me. It’s fucking freezing and I can’t help myself, the scream comes involuntarily.I jump out and cover myself in the towel. I am just about to cover my dripping hair with another one when there is a rapid succession of knocks and Eric’s worried voice.“Are you okay, Tris?”Without thinking twice I open the door so he can see that I did not get hurt.“We are out of hot water,” I state nonchalantly.“Okay,” Eric eyes my towel clad body. “Maybe you should get dressed before you get sick,” he suggests.I smirk at him and make sure I am obvious when I run my eyes up and down his body. “Yes, I think that is a good idea. Maybe you should put some pants and a t-shirt on as well,” I reply.Eric’s eyes widen for a moment before he responds. “Watch it.”“Oh, I am,” I tease.I can see the smile on his face despite him hastily turning around and walking away. Busted! Once I am dressed I grab my hat and scarf and put both on before I head out into the living room.“What happened to you,” Tobias asks from where he is sitting in front of a few containers.“I found out the hard way that we are out of hot water and I did not want to get sick sitting in the freezing cold with wet hair,” I say as way of explanation. “Eric,” I shout loudly in the direction of his door “I am going to search your kitchen for plates and cutlery.”I hear a loud grunt which I take as permission to proceed. … Dinner is quiet and a fucking cold affair despite the hot food.“How many people are without heating tonight,” I ask.“A good few,” Eric admits. “We left most of the younger couples without. They can share body heat,” he explains.“Still doesn’t mean they won’t freeze to death,” I quip. “You can’t justify that reasoning and I don’t see you using body heat to keep yourself warm yet you have no heater.”“I could ask to join you, but I got a hot water bottle from Amity,” he replies and Tobias chokes on his food.I simply raise my eyebrow in a bid for him to elaborate.“You know what a hot water bottle is, don’t you, Tris,” Eric asks.“No,” I admit.He sighs and gets up. I can hear him start the kettle before he passes us once more to head into his bedroom. He comes back with a rubbery rectangle with a cone shaped top.He throws it at me and I catch it, testing the material in my hands.“It’s some kind of rubber, don’t ask me for details. You fill hot water inside, close it and it will retain and spread the head for most of the night.”“Okay, I am intrigued,” I admit.The kettle finishes and Eric grabs the rubber bag and heads into the kitchen. A minute later he returns and sits next to me. He carefully handles the hot water bottle and puts it over my legs. The heat is immediate, it is almost too hot for my liking.I pick it up and hand it back.“Okay, this could work. Did Amity bring them?”“Yes, a lot of them,” he admits.“Do you have more,” I ask eagerly,“Four doesn’t keep you warm at night,” he teases.“I want one for Max,” I explain.“Yeah, there’s a box in my bathroom,” Eric admits.“Why is it in your bathroom,” Tobias asks.“Because that’s where I dropped it when I went home earlier. I’ll give you a couple later,” Eric promises and continues to eat.I see him put the hot water bottle between his back and the couch cushion. We don’t linger in the living room, it’s just getting colder by the minute.I fill a hot water bottle and bring it to Max. He is awake and done eating, so I clean up while I update him about what we did so far.He doesn’t have anything to complain about or ideas on how to improve so I count it as a win for us.Once he is settled back in bed for the night I head home to spend the night cuddled up to Tobias in Eric’s apartment. The next morning dawns to my breath being visible inside the bedroom. I slept fully dressed and as close as I could get to Tobias. The blankets worked alright, but as soon as I lift my corner I feel like I am standing outside the compound during a snowstorm.“Shit, fuck,” I do a weird dance over the cold floor to the chair that holds my boots.Tobias grunts and buries his nose deeper in the covers.I can’t afford that luxury, my bladder demands attention. Once done I check the time and find it’s just gone past six. Not enough time to try and sleep again yet too early to head into the office.I start a pot of coffee and fix hot oatmeal to keep myself occupied and gain more warmth. I am also using this as an excuse to snoop around Eric’s kitchen. His apartment is a lot like Max and Veronica’s, so I kind of know where to look for things.I have been eyeing the oven for the last five minutes and finally give in.I turn the heat on full blast and open the door at an angle to let it out and into the room.Eric and Tobias haven’t moved yet so I am bringing Max some breakfast. He is asleep as well and I simply leave the bowl next to his bed and fold the dry sheets.Oh, the dryer! If the heating is still out I will definitely throw in a blanket later.Eric is in the kitchen, drinking coffee when I get back and he just nods in greeting. Yeah, not a morning person, I get it.“What are you hoping to achieve by leaving the oven on,” he asks me.“Taking the bite out of the air,” I reply. “It is freezing, in case you haven’t noticed, and I, for starters, had trouble sleeping being this cold. How was your hot water bottle?”“A poor substitute for a warm body,” Eric admits.“Let’s hope the heating will be fixed tonight.” I quip.“Yeah, I wouldn’t want to ask you and number boy to share my bed,” Eric grumbles, but he doesn’t sound against it. I can hear heavy footsteps and turn to greet Tobias before fixing him a cup of coffee while he fills his bowl.Despite Eric’s criticism he doesn’t leave his spot by the oven and we all divide up tasks for the day while the men eat. … Another long day with not much improvement. It seems Jeanine got fed up with Eric and tried to sneak around the compound on her own, which Tori prevented. Now she is glued to her side and I had to make immense concessions and promises to keep Tori happy enough to continue.The heating is still broken and it sounded like Tobias was close to decking Joshua.We all got together with Veronica for lunch in my apartment and decided to send more people to Abnegation, this time the elderly.Mom agreed to stay with Veronica until she can return to her own apartment. Max was a bit more coherent throughout the day and I think with a good disinfecting of the surfaces she can go back home in a day or two.Eric reported more people falling ill and we are struggling to separate the healthy and sick as it takes just one family member to get everyone else sick.The guards at the fence are reportedly healthy and we agreed with the supervisor to keep them out in the field. Out of the close to 2000 Dauntless, we have 800 reported sick, which is massive given the operation we run here.This is also the reason Joshua claims for not having the heating fixed just yet.It seems we have to ask Jeanine for another favor.Amity and Abnegation are sending more people to take over for our sick chefs and my personal list of people I owe favours seems to increase by the hour.Thank god we still have electricity or it would be like the middle ages I read about in one of Christina’s romance novels. So, the day ends with me exhausted beyond believe. The cold is getting to me, just like everyone else.I have cleaned up after members, I have disinfected my hands so often, I feel like I will never get the smell out of my skin again, and I have changed more sheets and started washers and dryers than in my entire life volunteering in Abnegation.Tobias doesn’t look so well either and let’s not talk about Eric. He denies being sick but to me his eyes look glassy and I can hear him sniff. His voice is getting hoarse, yet he refuses to even be touched by a thermometer. I silently boil the kettle for his hot water bottle even before I do Max’s. Eric takes it without rebuke and heads into his bedroom.Max is in good spirits and asking more questions about what the fuck is going on. His words, not mine.Tobias leaves to check on maintenance after dinner, it seems they are going to try and get the heating going with the parts they have already fixed. I am already in bed, a hot water bottle where Tobias is supposed to be and reading some emails on the tablet when all of a sudden the lights go out.The radio on the nightstand beeps and I can hear Tobias’ voice telling me that they triggered something in our electric circuit and they are working on fixing it before trying again with the heating. Tori, Hana and I promise to make the rounds and explain it to the residents.Eric is surprisingly absent, so I decide to check on him before I leave. When I approach his door I can hear moaning and groaning, and for a moment I wonder if he found a warm body to share his bed. Then I scold myself. I saw him look sick and head to bed alone. When should he have had time to go out and find someone, never mind the fact that there is no way he could have found someone this quickly.I knock tentatively on the door but there is no reply, so I gently open the door and try to peek in. Of course I don’t see anything in the pitch black room. I feel like slapping some sense into myself. These last days are just beyond weird.I grab the flashlight from my pants and focus the light on the floor. Eric’s bed comes into view and I slowly approach it, calling his name as I go.No reply at all.I can see he threw the covers off him and sweat is running down his face while his body shivers violently.“Fuck, Eric, why did you not tell us you where sick,” I ask needlessly.I don’t have to touch his skin to know he will be burning up.I don’t hesitate to walk into his bathroom and search his cabinet for medicine. I find some ibuprofen and decide that has to do for now.I do have the foresight to radio Hana and Tori that Eric is out sick and I will do my rounds once I took care of him. They promise to continue making their rounds.Waking Eric up is the hardest part, but it has to be done in order to give him the meds. Within seconds he is back down on his bed, eyes closed and the unrest continues.I am a bit at a loss here, so I do what feels right.I refill the water, grab a towel and wet it and proceed to wipe down his face and every other bit of exposed skin I can see.His clothes are sweat covered and I know I should change him so he doesn’t cool down too much.I manage to wake him enough that he can help with changing into a dry, long sleeved shirt. It is thin, so this is a good compromise.I grab my bedding from the spare bedroom and exchange them for his before stashing everything in the washing machine for whenever the power comes back on.Two hours later the electricity is back on, but Tobias is still stuck in maintenance.I am exhausted and worried about Eric, so I grab a spare blanket, warm from the freshly revived dryer, and lie down on Eric’s bed. The next morning I wake up roasting and sweating. For a moment I worry that I got sick as well, but then I realize I am cocooned by a set of strong arms and a mountain of blankets.Eric’s arms... I remember last night and relax, relieved that it is not I who got sick. Something is poking my back and I mentally curse myself for not emptying my pockets.My hand moves behind me and downwards, hoping to be able to reach the flashlight without waking Eric. I almost touch it when it shifts with Eric’s movement behind me.Shit! I use my other hand to grab it from its new position but come up empty handed once more. It seems to be evading me on every turn.I finally have enough and gently turn around. Eric doesn’t wake up and I don’t waste any time grabbing the offending item.Of course I am oblivious to reality. No, it was not my fucking flashlight. I remember leaving it in the living room just as my hands make contact with Eric’s sweatpants and the enlarged flesh that’s beneath.My hands retreat immediately and I eye his face for a few minutes to make sure he slept through all of this.Luck is at least once on my side and he sleeps through it all.I get up and have a look around the apartment for Tobias. He is not here. I leave a note for Eric and make my way to the office to start the day and find out what has happened over the course of the night.I find Tobias sleeping in my office, surrounded by paperwork and I let him rest while I work on other things. Last night seemed to have turned the tide for us. The heating is restored by noon and this makes a big difference to the overall mood in the faction.We agreed to keep the displaced families in Abnegation for another day so we have time to give the compound a good clean with disinfectant. It takes a week to get everyone with the flu back into the land of the coherent and functioning. They will feel week for another fortnight but at least they are all up and running.We have made a lot of concessions and leadership agreed that we need to make better plans for emergencies.That is a task Max assigned himself and Eric while they recuperate.Max moved into Eric’s apartment while they recuperate together, Veronica moved back into her sparkling clean apartment and Tobias and I reclaimed ours. All is good again, no, not really, but we are getting there.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Tris POV
Time flies, and before I know it I am back on the train heading for Amity.Johanna greets me enthusiastically and I once more thank her for allowing her members to come and help us out. We would have been doomed without the other factions and we all learned a valuable lesson in the process.We might think of us as separate entities, but we rely on each other to make this city work.Dauntless patrol and ensure the safety of everyone.Amity provides us with food, but also with medical support.Abnegation helps out without asking for anything in return and they don’t complain about shitty tasks and taking care of the sick at risk of their own health.Erudite has the knowledge to improve our way of life and helps us out when we need to rely on their skills.Candor was not suited to help us this time but that doesn’t mean they are useless to us. You need people who are committed to upholding the law and punish those that go against it.Let’s just say it’s a symbiotic system that works and makes us survive contrary to so many others. Johanna decided that I endured enough cold and instead of taking me for a walk outdoors she shows me one of their underground emergency shelters.It’s not for any specific emergency, she explains. It is for when there is a need to hide faction members from fire, natural disasters like extreme lightning or tornados or even if there should be an invasion.They have enough resources to house one hundred people comfortably for four weeks without having to go up. It makes me wonder if there used to be a need for all these in the past and if we have just forgotten, like we tend to do with valuable lesson learned by our ancestors. At one time we had this hive like mind that reminded us about how fortunate we were with every Choosing Ceremony and every history lesson. By just existing the factions bear the reminder of days gone by, peril and suffering. “Now, Tris, how did you get on? You did not cancel, so I presume you came to some conclusions you want to talk about?” Johanna looks at me kindly and I am glad that she only switched on the basic lighting. It is easier if I don’t have to face her fully.I chuckle, and surprisingly it helps ease some of the tension within me.“I think this is a reverse of my selfishness issue. If I plan to be selfish, I am absolutely fine. If I plan to touch myself, my whole body stiffens in expectation of what will come,” I start. “I ran myself a bath, I read a steamy romance novel and then I decided to run my hands over my body to see how it would react.” I take a deep breath. “I could feel my body tense just by me running my hands from my ankles to my knees, so I focused on my end goal.”I am taking another break to work on my breathing.“What is the end goal, Tris,” Johanna asks.“To have a family. To be a mom... I have been dreaming about the cutest baby with grey eyes since before I worked on your homework for the first time,” I admit.“That’s great, Tris. A goal like this will keep you going when it gets tough. Just remember that it will be worth it in the end.”“I know, but it did not work the way I hoped. My body just froze and then I managed to trap my hands between my thighs, and I am not talking about a gentle hold. It hurt and my hands went numb. I froze and couldn’t get out on my own.”“How long did it take for you to get out and on a scale of one to ten, ten being the highest, how scared were you with your hands stuck?”“Uh, at that time, I would say an eight? I don’t know how long I was stuck but I was able to call Four for help. He came home at a very convenient time,” I admit.“And you had no problem with him seeing you naked,” Johanna follows up.“There were still enough bubbles in the tub to cover me. All he could see were my elbows. He distracted me by making me tell him about something that happened that same day. I had a lunchtime nap in my office and slept through my alarm. Eric thought I left the tablet behind and came to turn it off but then he saw me asleep. He woke me up and the transition from looking into my baby’s grey eyes to waking up looking into his grey ones was just so surreal. By the time I was done telling the story my hands were free.”“Eric... hmmm... interesting,” Johanna mumbles and I groan out loud.“Not you too,” I whine.“How so?”Yes, Tris, explain to Johanna that weird relationship you have with Eric.“It’s complicated,” I state.“I am here for that,” she reminds me with a harty chuckle and I join in.“Fine. Four commented on Eric being different around me. Less menacing and more human. Eric wants an ally in the office and faction, and he chose me, of all people. I have to admit that we have had our moments...” I trail off, trying to put my thoughts together. “We seem to have these weird moments where we connect without meaning to.” Johanna just raises her eyebrow. “Veronica and Eric got into a heated exchange and I ended up sitting on top of Eric to keep him in his seat. Veronica is pregnant, but he was rather close to taking her bait and going for a physical altercation. I couldn’t let that happen.” Something occurs to me and I gasps out loud.“Something tells me you just had an epiphany.”“Sort of,” I admit. “I just realized that I was sitting on top of Eric with my legs around his thighs and my body did not react in any way. There was no negative or positive reaction. It was just for the purpose of keeping Veronica safe. I was so comfortable, I actually fell asleep on top of him.” Johanna makes choking sounds.“I am so sorry, Tris. That was rude and I don’t know what came over me,” she apologizes. I wave her off.“It’s okay, it was after the heating went out. It was freezing and he was just so nice and warm. I fell asleep on top of him, but he fell asleep too. I was just lucky enough to have woken first...” Johanna interrupts me again. “Eric fell asleep too? You must trust each other to do that,” she muses and it makes me pause. Do I trust Eric? To some extend, yes, I do. If Johanna is right, and I assume she is, for it does makes sense, then Eric trusts me on some level too. This would explain why he chose me as his ally.“Yes, he fell asleep. I woke up first and was able to leave without waking him up. My body was pressed so close to his and my hands were trapped, but I did not panic,” I hastily add. “What I am going for is that when I tried to detangle myself I came in close contact with his ... erection,” I whisper the last part and Johanna’s eyes bug out. “My body did not freeze up and my legs did not clamp shut. Thinking back it should have done that the moment I realized what was going on,” I admit.“And was there anything else like that? You sound like there is more,” Johanna prods again.I have to give it to her, she is good!“Maybe? It was different... I mean, he was sick, and I was cold. I slept with a separate blanket in his bed to keep an eye on him. I woke up with his arms holding me tight and covered by HIS blanket. He was aroused again, but my body did not panic. My prudish attitude was the thing that made me move back and pray he did not wake up when I grabbed him. In my defence, I thought it was a flashlight I had on me when I fell asleep,” I admit sheepishly and Johanna joins me when I laugh.“So, just to summarize. You were in close body contact with Eric more than once and even with knowing he was aroused, your own body was doing just fine?” She looks at me questioningly and I nod. “Does Four have erections,” Johanna asks bluntly and this time it’s my turn to choke on nothing,“I don’t think so,” I reply tentatively. “I never asked him directly, but with me he does not have them. At least not that I am aware of,” I amend. “I would like to think he would tell me if it were so because it would be a rather significant change.”“And otherwise, during a fight, when sharing a communal shower, a party... anything of the kind where your body realised someone else was aroused and reacted to it?”“Huh?” Johanna gives me a moment to think. “I have seen couples make our and grind on each other when next to me, but that did not make me react in a physical way, if that’s what you mean. I know their arousal is not because of me and I am happy my friends are in fulfilling relationships. My upbringing made me cringe in the beginning at seeing it but I got over that one fast. Dauntless don’t hide their feelings,” I explain.“Does that mean you talked to Eric about what happened?”“No,” I admit.“May I ask why,” Johanna prods.“I don’t know,” I state. “Maybe we just started this truce and I did not want to turn it into something it is not? Four jokes that Eric might ask his hook ups to form an alliance as a weird pick up line. I doubt he has to do that. They flock to him because he is a leader and I see him make out with a different girl at every party he doesn’t have to supervise. I think I did not want him to get the wrong impression,” I sigh. “I mean, what could I have said? Hey Eric, when we fell asleep on each other in your office I accidentally touched your erection. Want to help me get rid of my vaginismus?”Johanna looks at me. Really stares at me and then concludes “It could have worked, he likes a challenge”.She has to slap my back repeatedly until I am able to breathe properly.“Jesus, Johanna,” I wheeze. “Don’t do that again,” I admonish. “I really don’t want to open myself to that type of ridicule.”“But you would be willing to talk to someone in a slightly similar situation if it were anonymous,” Johanna asks,“Yes, I think I would. But come on, are you telling me that there are more people in Chicago with vaginismus?”“No, not at the moment. But there are other things out there that make people feel just like you do. I know Four is different but being asexual makes you not crave some of the things you want for yourself, so he is not able truly understand. The person I am thinking of seems to have similar hopes and dreams for their future - family and being able to have sex. I really need to talk to Birch,” Johanna mumbles the last part to herself.“If they are willing then so am I,” I state.“Good,” Johanna praises. “I will let you know more over the coming weeks. Now let’s get back to your actual therapy. Have you ever heard about Kegel exercises?" I nod. “Great, do them for the foreseeable future, twice a day. Next... I know this might sound intrusive, but during your period - are you using tampons or pads?”“Pads,” I admit. “Okay, here is what I want you to do. I want you to buy tampons and ask Four to hide your pads, making it a necessity to use the tampons when the time comes. Until then I want you to work your way upwards holding a tampon. Do it consciously first. Progress in small steps. Just run the tampon along your legs and upwards. It might take you two weeks to get anywhere close, you might not succeed at all.You do this maybe every morning, but every evening I want you to find something that can distract you. Listen to music, read a book, read the latest report on the tablet... it doesn’t matter for as long as it is something you like doing and that can consume your mind. When you do this, I want you to try and insert the tampon as well, the same way as you try in the morning. We need positive reinforcements for all the things your body involuntarily rejects. As you found out, we have to work our way into the zone first.”I nod to show I understand. Neither Johanna nor Birch have steered me wrong so far.“The way we will progress after you can touch yourself is inserting something. It can be your finger, a tampon or a tiny dildo. It will take time to progress through the steps. If you find someone willing to work with you through it all, great, but you can do it on your own.”Johanna looks at me expectantly.“So it’s like Pavlov’s dog?”“The principal is the same, yes. You have been researching?”“With the limited access I have, yes,” I admit.“It would be great if those who wanted to broaden their horizon had greater access to the materials needed,” Johanna agrees. “Jeanine actually agreed to improve the system and make the online library more accessible to all the other factions,” Johanna explains, and I chuckle darkly.“Will they monitor who borrows what? Another way to track down those who seem to be interested in more than just their own faction,” I phrase carefully.“Let’s give her the benefit of doubt,” Johanna states.We finish our tour through the faction’s hiding spots and emergency shelters and Johanna explains to me in greater detail the provisions they made for that occasion.They use the emergency shelters as well for emergency seed and food storage in case something happens to the existing ones. Amity are not just happy but they are prepared, and I like what I learn about them more and more with every visit. Upon my return to Dauntless I seek out first Veronica and then Max to tell them about what Johanna showed me today.Neither one knew about Amity’s preparedness but they agree this is something we have to look into.Max suggests a staff meeting, just us leaders and Ron, for Friday morning to talk about the last few weeks and all the changes we need to make to have Dauntless work and improve.The afternoon is slow and with not much official work I spend my time working on some proposals for the leadership meeting. Thursday is the day we decided to meet and talk about initiation.“Good morning, everyone. Zeke, are you sober this time,” I ask reluctantly.“Sure am.” He gives me a thumbs up and broad grin.“Great,” I conclude. “I had a chat with Max, and it seems we will get the seven-day extension and can borrow the night vision cameras. We will most likely have them permanently installed by the Chasm, which is a good thing. Max wants me to look into a communications system that would allow us to talk to someone who seems to contemplate suicide. This is work in progress and relates to the control room, but we will definitely benefit from it throughout initiation. The scavenger hunt idea was received positively but the renovations are a no go. Max told me that it does not need to be done just yet. Basically, they are happy to have the basics and if someone has a problem with communal showers, tough love.”“Maybe there is a way to change his mind,” Lauren starts, and I am all ears. “We could invite all leaders for a test run of the new initiation process. We won’t do a whole twenty-eight days, but maybe show them our changes and have the scavenger hunt. What I am mainly going for is to show Max, Veronica and Oscar how bad the dorms are. Veronica is pregnant, and Max will not be happy to have everyone able to see his wife naked,” she ends, and I feel like applauding here.“You are an evil genius,” I compliment. “This might work in our favour. We must get all our ducks in one row first to pull this off. Can we have everything ready to go by end of June and test it beginning of July?”There are shrugs and nods all around.“This way we can make amendments and maybe have refurbishments done in the remaining weeks until the real initiation starts. So this gives us, what, ten weeks to get it all together,” I ask.“We have the basics covered, Tris. Christina and Zeke had their training and know what’s expected. It is more a reconfiguration than a new programming,” Lauren takes charge.“Nose,” I tease.“And proud of it,” she sticks out her tongue. “At least I know how to use what I have upstairs unlike some others,” she looks pointedly at Zeke.“Hey,” he protests our laughter to no avail.“Really, Tris, all we need to do is show them how we want to train them in the first week and do the scavenger hunt. It can all be done easily in less than seven days for members as it is just going through the motions for us and we will progress more than quickly.”“We have a leadership meeting tomorrow. I will bring up the idea of a test run and let you guys know. We need more people than five leaders and four trainers for the test. And someone has to run the faction,” I admit.“Why don’t we get the ambassadors involved. Make it a teamwork experience,” Four suggests and I nod vehemently.“Great idea,” I compliment.“Can we make sure the dorms are extremely bad when we do this,” Christina asks out of the blue.“Huh?” I admit, she caught me off guard.“Oh, you mean give them the shitty pillows and blankets, make sure the mattresses are the most worn ones,” Zeke asks excitedly,“But if we are staying there too we’ll shoot ourselves in the foot,” I remind them.“We could call it playing a trick on them and make sure we have the nicer mattresses and pillows. This way if they figure it out it was all a practical joke,” Zeke reasons and I feel myself nodding without my consent.“We have to make concessions for Veronica, but we can do that with everyone knowing we are doing it,” I suggest and Lauren agrees excitedly.“You are a genius. Keep the pregnant lady happy, Max will see the difference between good quality and shitty equipment, just like we want him too. And if we play our cards right we can even get him to suggest that we have different shower times for males and females,” Lauren continues and we all agree this is the way we want to go.“I will talk to them tomorrow and let you guys know as soon as possible,” I promise.We go our separate ways shortly after.…Not long after that there is a knock on my office door and Eric enters. He locks my office door, then walks over to the storage room door and purposely closes it before turning back to me.“Let’s sit,” he demands and walks over to the couch, patting the seat right next to him.I am frozen in place, dumbfounded by what just happened."Now," Eric barks, and somehow this gets me going.I give him a nasty look when I walk over but he only smirks at me as if to say 'it worked, so what?'."See, that wasn't so hard," he cooes at me when I finally sit down beside him."What do you want, Eric," I ask tiredly."I want to offer you a deal," he starts. "I want to have a nice mattress and pillows in return for supporting your idea of doing an initiation test run."I can only gape at him, but then turn to look at the closed storage room door and back at Eric."Do I have to soundproof that door," I ask, feeling annoyed by Eric doing his own snooping.Eric shrugs. "Maybe start off by closing it all the way," he suggests."Great," I lament."So?” Eric looks at me questioningly."You will back the remodel of the dorms and you willingly participate in all activities," I demand."How about you explain things to me first," he suggests."We want to extend initiation by a week. we want to use this time to build muscle mass, improve fitness and teach fighting techniques," I start off. "We want them to gain the skills so when we start the fights on day nine, they will be able to show us that they can use what they learned but also show us that they understand the principles of warfare. Observe and listen, don't act on impulse, plan ahead, strategise," I elaborate."We will do all the excursions and capture the flag in the normal timeframe from day nine onwards, but we want to add a version of a scavenger hunt on day six where they need to show us the skills they were supposed to learn. For each mastered skill they gain equipment they will need to spend a night out in Amity, Johanna's consent permitting. We haven't finalised anything yet, but we hope to do the test run end of June, beginning of July, as you probably heard yourself. We plan on asking all leaders, all trainers and all ambassadors to participate in order to get enough people to work with."I look at Eric expectantly while he leans back against the couch cushion and grins at me as he mulls everything I just said over."You need someone to run the faction while we are all busy playing initiates," Eric states matter of factly."I was hoping to find out about your emergency planning first and use some of those back-up solutions," I admit without shame."I don't think that will work but it is not impossible." Eric doesn't give anything away."Well, we can always ask Hana and Tori to jump in again," I quip, and Eric nods in agreement."If you can get them to agree, that is," he cautions."We are taking Zeke and Uriah out of the equation, that should be incentive enough," I tease."Oh goodie, should I be excited to have Zeke times two around me again," Eric asks nonplussed."If you like to," I reply dryly."Watch it," Eric warns."I am watching it, alright," I lament, looking Eric up and down."Hey," he protests before his face changes and I feel like backing up while repeating 'oh shit'.He leans in closer, moves his hips until they are touching mine, and then takes my right hand in his so much larger one.I can feel the callouses and the warmth but completely miss it when he moves my hand and places it on his thigh. He then moves back to take my left hand and places it on the opposite shoulder, effectively laying my arm over his shoulder and neck. Then he turns to me and the movement draws me in close as of course I instinctively hold on to his shoulder and thigh."What are you doing," I whisper, staring straight at his face that is so close to mine."I thought you might want to add a feel to what you are watching," he replies seriously.I honestly don't know what to say, but for some reason I don't remove my hands or move back. No, I stay right where I am. My right hand gripping Eric's thigh, my left hand around his neck like I am pulling him in close for a kiss...Fuck me, no!"Eric," I whisper."Yes, Tris," he responds, his eyes focused on my mouth.I wet my lips and his eyes follow every single swipe.Really?!Eric's face moves closer and I am hypnotised, that's the only way to explain it, like the rabbit stares at the approaching snake until it feels the sting of the bite. Well, my bite never comes but I do feel Eric's nose run down my cheek and back up to my ear. He nuzzles into the hair just behind it and I tilt my head to give him better access.I can feel his hot breath on my skin, yet I sit and patiently wait for his next move."Tris...." It is barely audible, and then ...Bang, bang, bang.While it is actually a knock on my door, to me it sounds like a gun going off multiple times inside my room. It is deafening and I rear back in surprise. Eric closes his eyes but doesn't retreat."Yes," I shout.The door handle moves, but of course the door doesn't open, Eric locked it."Tris," I hear Tobias voice and sigh in defeat. I am never going to hear the end of it when he sees me inside a locked room with Eric."Just a moment," I tell him loudly.Eric's expression turns stony but he keeps his position on the couch, turned towards me, breathing a bit uneven from what I can tell.I keep staring at Eric while I walk to the door and open it for Tobias."Hey, are you okay," he asks, giving me quick kiss in greeting."Uh, yeah, I am fine. We were just discussing something confidential," I explain and motion towards where Eric sits on my couch.They nod at each other in greeting."I just wanted to see if I left my tablet behind," Tobias explains."I did not see it," I state while Eric looks around. Tobias walks over to the couch and lifts the cushions, one after the other, and lo and behold, there is his tablet nestled right in between the large cushion and the back."Perfect, that's all I needed. I have my lunch break at one, do you want me to pick you up," Tobias asks while already walking back to the door where I am still standing."Sure," I agree, and hug him goodbye.The door closes behind Tobias and I finally look at Eric. His face is neutral and does not give anything away. It's a pity, I would have loved a clue as to how I should react and proceed.Eric takes charge as soon as I stand in front of the couch."I want to have a nicer mattress, pillows and whatever amenities you all decide to give yourselves. I also want to be partnered with you for the scavenger hunt... let's call it team building skills as leaders, but effectively I am in it to win," Eric continues and I am so shocked by his last demand, I plop down onto the couch right beside him without caring that I almost land on top of his thigh. "In return I will fully support your idea to extend initiation by a week, the bathroom remodel, the gender specific separation or at least more privacy measures, and I will help you find adequate interim leaders so we can have all leaders, ambassadors and trainers participate in your trial run,” Eric finishes his list and I am quietly thinking things through.“Okay,” I finally agree, and Eric holds out his hand for me to shake.I reluctantly put my hand back in his, but he doesn’t pull me closer. He simply shakes my hand to seal the deal and gets up.“Make sure number boy knows what to expect so he doesn’t start a fight,” Eric throws over his shoulder as he leaves my office. I don’t reply in any shape or form, I simply sink back into the cushions and close my eyes, trying to regroup and find my way back to reality.Why does everything relating to Eric feel surreal since I got promoted to full leader?Eventually I get up and do actual work on the computer.Tobias picks me up for lunch but he can still tell there is something bugging me. He doesn’t pry and I am immensely grateful for that. The leadership meeting Friday morning goes as expected from my side. Eric backs me up as promised and Veronica and Oscar join in on most issues. The refurbishment is something only Eric supports, and I find myself backed into a corner, but we do have a solution for that already figured out.Max and Eric’s emergency planning is rather interesting. They want to create a bunch of junior leaders that will fill in if we find ourselves in a bind. Veronica will take some time off when the baby is due, Max wants to do the same so we would be two leaders down. I choke a bit when Max suggests that I will need to have maternity cover some time in the future. I politely remind him that I am only sixteen years old and have plenty of time for that so he should not count me in just yet.I am surprised when Eric presents their short list of who should receive training as interim leaders. Hana and Tori, I kind of expected, Tobias, not so much.Their suggestion is to train them on the job and meet with them regularly to keep them apprised of what is going on. Apart from that they are free to follow their chosen professions.I do bring up the question whether three is enough or if we shouldn’t have five back-ups. We finally agree that we will test out three and amend the number if necessary.I do mention Johanna’s emergency preparedness and that it would be good for us to do something similar. The question is how and where. Do we want weapons and some emergency rations in ours? How many people do we want to cover? There are too many open questions, but we all agree that this is a generally good idea and we all want to think and work on some ideas before the next meeting. It is not a priority but not bottom of the list either.We end the meeting with everyone having a couple of weeks’ worth of proposals and researches. The preliminary initiation test run is scheduled for the first week in July and I will have to let the guys know that we are now officially working with a timeline. That evening I sit Tobias down and explain Eric’s support and conditions, leaving out the weird behaviour leading up to Tobias knocking on my door.At night I fall asleep exhausted from doing not much more than sit in a chair and have a lively discussion.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
I am on a roll. You are welcome!
Tris POV
The following weeks pass in a blur of working on my emergency project, twice weekly meetings for initiation, avoiding Eric whenever I can get away with it and working on Johanna’s assignment. It is the second week of May when I finally return to Amity. I actually have valid business to discuss with Johanna this time and not just some lame excuse as to why I need to go over.The first thing I get squared away is the permission to finish our scavenger hunt with an overnight stay in Amity.The second one is talking to Johanna about our options for long term food storage and items that will be used up if we don’t need to avail of them in an actual emergency. Stock rotation is important, something I learned in Abnegation. Finally we get to the actual therapy session and I proudly explain to Johanna my success with the Kegel exercises and how distraction works best with me using a reward while I try to accomplish the tasks she set.Johanna, on the other hand, encourages me to keep going, positive reinforcement all the way and then explains to me that they have set up a system where I can either email or use a direct chat option with the other person she thinks I should be talking to. So, with a newfound self-esteem I don’t normally feel I use the given email address and send a short note two days after my meeting with Johanna.…
Friday, May 12, 2214
8:45 PM
To: Volunteer Two at Amity
From: volunteer One at Amity
Subject: Hello
Hi there,
I just wanted to say thank you for agreeing to talk to a complete stranger.
Hope we both find what we are looking for.
Volunteer One
… Yes, Johanna and Birch created two new email addresses and gave me access to Amity’s email system which, admittedly, not many people use. There is also a private chat forum that was created just for us.I do have the login details but I thought the email would be a good way to start.I still don’t know what to expect and I am unsurprised to not receive an answer for two days. When it finally comes it is not encouraging. …
Monday, May 15, 2214
5:25 AM
To: Volunteer one at Amity
From: Volunteer two at Amity
Subject: Re: Hello
I still don’t see the benefit of this but if you want to talk, I will listen!
… That’s it! Just one line, not friendly, not encouraging, not spilling their guts. Well, I did not expect them to, but I thought that if they agreed to have contact they were a bit more convinced this would do them good.Johanna and Birch don’t seem to be the type that would push something like that on their charge, so what changed?I decide to mull over what to write and not reply with haste. All good things will come to those who wait, isn’t that the saying? My day goes on as usual and by the time I am ready for bed I know what I want to reply. …
Monday, May 15, 2214
9:59 PM
To: Volunteer two at Amity
From: Volunteer one at Amity
Subject: ...
Well, the way I understand things, we have similar issues and could help each other feel more normal? Included? Not the odd one out?
It is not that I like the idea of someone struggling on a daily basis, just like I am, but it did make me feel better knowing about your existence.
I am not here to pry, I am not here to ask your name, faction or anything else that could identify you. I like the idea that I might pass you every single day and treat you the same way without you second guessing my motives.
Sincerely,
Volunteer One
… I hit send and try to get comfortable in bed but Tobias has the night shift and I am used to having his warm body beside me. It is the middle of May and not cold, but if you are used to something it is hard to break the habit of craving the perceived comfort it provides.I spend the night tossing and turning, and of course the next morning I show the signs of my lack of sleep. As fate would have it, this is also the day we have the next leadership meeting. Because we want to accommodate our interim leaders, who will attend for the first time, the meeting is scheduled for seven in the morning. Blurry eyed, skin red from my shower and hair in a messy wet bun I make my way to the conference room we use to host other faction leaders and their entourage.Seems I am the first one in and I use the time given to me to cross my arms on the tabletop and rest my head for a few additional seconds. I must have been really exhausted, I actually fall asleep. I wake up to female snickers, but also a hissed warning. “Leave her alone, she seems to need the rest.” I feel a warm hand on my back, rubbing up and down while putting on just the right amount of pressure. “Hmmm,” I moan in compliment for whoever is treating me so nicely.The hand doesn’t stop, noticing I am more aware, no, the languid strokes continue to my utter delight.“That’s nice,” I voice my agreement. I don’t open my eyes nor move, and the hand doesn’t recede.“What the fuck,” I hear. It is Tobias’ voice and it causes me to open my eyes and look at whoever gave me the amazing back rub.Eric just nods his head ever so slightly and takes the seat beside me, completely ignoring Tobias.I sit up, look at everyone seated around me and feel the heat rise in my neck, spreading quickly to my face. The burn almost hurts. The physical one, that is, the mental one is still growing stronger.“Thank you!” I turn to Eric and smile brightly. “That was just what I needed,” I compliment.Tobias sits down beside me with a huff.“Maybe you offer to take over next time,” I suggest and his eyes widen.“Tris, I am sorry. I am not sure why I said that,” he apologises but I am looking right at him and shake my head.“Maybe you might want to pass me and apologise to the right person,” I explain my annoyance gently and quietly.Tobias nods, squeezes my hand and turns to Eric.“Eric, I am sorry if that sounded rude. Thank you for rubbing Tris’ back, that was really kind of you.”Everyone’s eyes seems to bulge out but Eric simply nods and these two are done with the topic while the rest can’t wrap their heads around what just transpired.“Should we start? I am rather tired and would love to go to bed before my next night shift starts,” Tobias speaks up and the spell is broken.Max clears his throat. “Then let’s get started,” he announces. “Four, Tris, initiation?”“We are more or less done with the planning, we have a timeline and we know how we want to train and test the initiates,” I explain to the whole group.“When we hold the trial for the additional seven days we added to the beginning we will show you which methods we want to use to build strength and stamina. Those are our main concerns and the basis for the level playing field we are hoping for. We want to start them on weapons only during down time, as a bonus, so to speak, and the scavenger hunt will test if we succeeded,” Tobias adds.“I can’t wait,” Max sounds a bit sarcastic, but Veronica elbows him hard and gives us a big smile.“Moving on to emergency preparedness,” Veronica announces. “We all had some time to work on our ideas. Anyone come up with anything feasible,” she asks Oscar, Eric and me.I speak up first. “I met with Johanna and asked her to show me the choices we have regarding food for either emergency caches or emergency shelters. There are different things they can offer us, but we need to plan way ahead. They need to know what food to grow based on our choices. We can have canned goods or dehydrated food. Johanna also told me that Erudite is working on a freeze dryer for them, which will open new avenues. That might take a while as it is not a necessity and could be considered a luxury item. Amity wants to test it on their left overs first,” I explain. “What we need to decide is if we want food that is ready to eat but bulky, or if we want compact, lightweight food that is limited in its variety.”I pause to give everyone a chance to absorb all that I have said and ask questions if they arise.“What are the expected shelf lives,” Eric asks, and I smile at him.“The cans with ready to eat food have about five years shelf life, the dehydrated food about five to ten years. They won’t know the results for the freeze dried food until the machine is developed and tested.”“And what types of food would we get,” Veronica asks.“Dehydrated food is limited in its variety. Dehydrated meat is very popular in Amity, they also have dried tomatoes, bananas, apples and similar. When it comes to canned food, we can have whatever we want. Johanna said we could have stews and soups canned as they are, or we can have the different ingredients and throw them together for dishes ourselves. She showed me some samples of their own and it is a mix. Johanna suggested we should involve the chefs and use only dishes or ingredients that we already use, so when the time comes for the food to expire we simply use up what we have and not waste any. Due to the nature of the food having to grow we need to keep a close eye on all of this, there won’t be spur of the moment choices available. Johanna will have to know what they are planting for us in the next months already and next year they harvest and preserve. There are limits to the additional volume we can order, so we really need to make a proper plan. They won’t be able to provide food for two thousand Dauntless for a six month period at the drop of their head.”There is silence when it all sinks in.“Is Amity the only faction that has this type of emergency planning in place,” Tori asks everyone.“I doubt Abnegation stockpiles food, no matter what they were accused of. There are no warehouses full of things others might want or need. Whenever Amity delivers goods they are immediately divided up and given to the families and left overs distributed to the factionless,” I explain what I know.“Apart from their green experiments, I doubt you would get anything edible within Erudite that doesn’t come from Amity first. They are too conceited to think they will ever find themselves in a situation where they need emergency supplies,” Tori voices her opinion.I look at Oscar and Eric who both came from Erudite. Their silence speaks volumes.“Anybody know about Candor planning for anything like that,” Max asks.“Why don’t you ask Jack,” I suggest, but he shakes his head.“I don’t want to hear his opinion on how we are worried about nothing,” Max explains his reasoning,“It is our choice, but if you give him the facts that Johanna gave me he should see the reasoning and that is all he should take into consideration. For Amity and for us it makes sense, we are not forcing anyone to follow our example. If a fire breaks out in Amity over the summer, the whole harvest will be destroyed, maybe even their seeds, trees and barns. They planned ahead and won’t starve until the next harvest comes along, but they will not be able to provide for all the factions. We are dependent on Amity to grow the food we consume,” I reason and Max inclines his head.“I might approach him,” he agrees.“I am new to this conversation,” Hana begins but garners all of our attention. “I have to admit I never thought about half of those things that you just mentioned, Tris. To be honest, I agree with you on being prepared. We are Dauntless, our mantra is to be prepared so we can face harshness and adversity. Having extra food and weapons in safe locations is a wise choice. We live underground, the flu knocked us down. We were unable to operate on our own. What’s to say there won’t be another case of a different disease that Erudite doesn’t catch fast enough to inoculate the population. What about all the factionless people and their illnesses. Nobody is monitoring them... what if a fire breaks out, how are we going to contain it? Could we even get trapped here with our tunnel system? I think we owe it to our members to think through all these scenarios and make sure we can keep the majority safe.”Silence remains.“I am really glad I am not the only one thinking about all these things,” I admit loudly. “I want to take charge where I am able to make a difference.”“I’ll help you,” sounds off from my left and right.I look at Tobias who spoke and then to Eric, who spoke the same words as Tobias at the same time.Veronica claps her hands. “Great, why don’t you work with Eric on the food and Four can support both of you in scouting the best locations. Hana, will you, Tori and Oscar get together and play out different disaster scenarios? Max and I will go and talk to the other leaders and find out about their emergency preparedness and explain our reasoning. I personally want to highlight to Erudite that letting their doctors practice and treat the factionless will benefit Chicago as a whole. Anything else?”When nobody speaks up Max ends the meeting.Tobias yawns loudly and I follow suit.“Go to bed,” I instruct and give him a kiss on the cheek. “I might see you later.”“Come home for a nap,” Tobias suggests and I sigh. “I might.”“Good, you look like you haven’t slept at all last night.”“I couldn’t sleep on my own,” I admit.“We’ll figure something out,” Tobias offers encouragement.“Go, sleep,” I state, and physically push him towards the door. Once he is out I am letting out the loud yawn I have been suppressing until now.“Wanna go for coffee,” Eric asks from behind me.“I might have to borrow the whole machine for the day,” I lament and I hear a hearty chuckle. “It’s not funny,” I growl.“Come on, we can talk about our project while you inhale a few cups of coffee. And perhaps we can find a solution for your inability to sleep alone.”I look at him in surprise but he doesn’t comment. Eric simple takes my hand and leads me towards the cafeteria. His hand never leaves mine and we garner a few stares. Eric just has to look at them and they hastily turn away from us.“Be nice,” I remind him.“It’s none of their business,” Eric growls. “Maybe they never saw you hold a female’s hand before. You are more known to have your tongue down their throats and your hands all over them,” I tease.Eric squeezes my hand quite hard in retaliation, which I return in kind before moving closer and putting my hand purposely on his ass.His steps falters for just a second and then he proceeds to walk through the corridors and into the cafeteria. He only stops when we reach the coffee machine.“You know that Four is going to hear about this later,” Eric asks.“I have no doubt about it,” I admit.“Okay.” He grabs a cup and fills it close to the brim before taking a second one and filling it halfway, adding sugar and milk, just the way I like it.Without any further words spoken he puts both on a tray and pulls me back out the door. I don’t hesitate to follow and only when we reach the elevator do I realise that both of my hands are still attached to Eric. He uses our joined hands to push the button for the office, his hand never letting go of mine and my hand holding tightly onto his cheek. Ron stares at us when we walk past his desk and I wink at him, causing him to drop his mouth wide open.Once more Eric uses our joined hands to open his office door and drags me inside. He puts the tray on his desk and places his now free hand on my shoulder, using it to push me slowly backwards until my legs hit the couch. I follow his guiding hand and sit down.“Tris,” Eric starts, but then stops himself.I look up at him in expectation, but he doesn’t say anything else. He lets go of me and slowly steps backwards, my hand gliding from his ass to his hip before it drops into my own lap. I stare at it dumbly, unsure what the fuck is wrong with me.Seconds later Eric returns with our coffees and he takes a seat beside me, leaving little space, which is my fault. I am sitting squarely in the middle.“Tris, on a scale of one to ten. How sleep deprived are you?”“I don’t know,” I whine, which morphs into another yawn.Eric takes a sip from his cup and I do the same.“Come here.” He opens his arms and my body moves on its own accord.I pull my legs up and snuggle into Eric’s chest, his arms close around me, pulling me in tight.“Do you feel like you are able to work or do you want a nap first,” he asks me so nicely, I feel tears pool in my eyes.“I would love to sleep but I shouldn’t. I mean, I have never seen you this kind to anyone,” I trail off.“It doesn’t matter how I am presenting myself. What does your body tell you, Tris?”I yawn into his pectoral. “My body tells me different things. My mind tells me to shut the fuck up and sleep.” I can feel Eric chuckle before I hear the rumble in his chest.“I would guess you are overtired if you are talking like this,” he murmurs.“No, I am not. I am just surprisingly comfortable,” I admit with another yawn. “My body doesn’t want to move, it likes being close to you for some weird reason.” I know I am mumbling into his chest but I am sure he heard me. His arms tighten around me, but he doesn’t push me away or reply with words.I can feel his hand start to draw lazy circles on my back. It is mellowing my body further and making me feel like mush.My body melts into Eric’s and it feels like he was made for me. We fit perfectly. Soft and hard, bulges, ridges and everything else slotting together like puzzle pieces.I hum in contentment and Eric continues his ministrations. There is a soft knock on the door which I willfully ignore, but I do hear the door open and then Veronica’s voice.“Is Tris okay,” she asks Eric. “Ron called me because she acted so differently when you passed him,” she explains her reason for checking on us.“I am good,” I mumble loud enough for her to hear. “I am just tired. I haven’t slept last night but I don’t want to take the day off,” I lament.“Go home for a nap,” Veronica encourages.“No, Eric said the same, but I don’t want to. This is comfy,” I add and snuggle deeper into Eric. “It’s warm, it smells good and I want to stay right here.”I can hear Veronica inhale and exhale a few times. I don’t look but it sounds like she is trying to calm herself before she speaks.“Eric,” she questions.“It’s alright. If Tris wants to rest this way she can. Just hand me my tablet and I can work like this.”“This is inappropriate,” Veronica states.“No,” I grumble. “If I find it peaceful and if Eric doesn’t mind then there is nothing inappropriate. We are consenting adults, sitting on a couch, talking about work we should be doing.”“It doesn’t look like you are working,” Veronica quips.“I do my best work when I am half asleep,” I declare brazenly but lift my head to look at my aunt. She meets my eyes squarely, scrutinizing me before she finds what she is looking for and nods her consent.“Just don’t do anything you will regret later, Tris. I can always call Four to come and collect you,” she offers, but I shake my head.“He needs to sleep and not baby me. Eric is going to take good care of me. He is always nicer to me than he is to others. We have a truce, we are allies and allies trust each other to do the right thing.”Veronica looks at Eric and he answers something that I totally miss because I am burrowing my nose into his chest and put my arms around him.“Sleep, Tris,” I hear and I nod absentmindedly.Eric resumes his strokes on my back and hums.“Thank you for trusting me, Tris,” he murmurs close to my ear.“Hmmm, you are not a bad guy... you just need to show it more often to others...” I inhale deeply. “Someone who smells this good should not cause fear in people...” Eric’s chest vibrates with his chuckles. “Stop that,” I admonish. “You are comfortable... you shouldn’t be, but I love the way I fit into you... like you were made for me...”My eyes don’t open again and my breathing evens out when sleep finally claims me. … My dream is vivid, there is no other way to describe it, and Eric is starring in the main role. We are lying in bed and he is doing everything imaginable to make me feel comfortable. He is rubbing my back, he is hugging me, he is making me feel safe and secure and foremost loved. Dream Eric is nuzzling my hair, he his tracing lazy circles on my back and holding my hands in his.There is nothing sexual about any of these actions and it makes me feel whole, normal and appreciated as a woman.We move on to doing other couple things. He drops me in my office and walks into his, leaving the storage room doors wide open so we can talk to each other throughout the day. He comes to pick me up for lunch and holds my hand all the way to the cafeteria, smiling at everyone who looks our way, proud to be with me. We sit down with my friends and Eric and Tobias chat easily while he holds my hand on top of the table. We walk back to our offices, laughing and joking, letting the whole faction know just how perfect we are for each other.When I am back in my office and working, an annoying tapping starts disturbing my peace. It gets louder and more frequent and no matter where I look, I can’t find the cause. I call Eric’s name a few times to find out what the commotion is about, but he keeps telling me not to worry. Eventually I have had enough and ... find myself waking up!I am still cozied up to Eric. His arms are around me and he is tapping away on the tablet.“Hey,” he greets me when he sees me awake. “Feeling better,” he asks concerned.I just keep looking at him, taking stock of my position.“Yes, I think so. Thank you for letting me rest and use you as my bed,” I utter.“Don’t worry, it was quite a revelation,” Eric states ominously.I stare at him blankly. “What?”“You talk in your sleep, Tris,” Eric reveals and I feel like the ground should swallow me whole. Of course no such thing happens and I am faced with dealing with this on my own.“I am sorry if I offended you,” I reply carefully. “I don’t remember dreaming anything negative,” I admit.“Yes, you sounded like you had a nice dream.” Eric looks at me questioningly, but I remain silent. “You talked about what I was doing,” he admits.“What were you doing that made me talk about it,” I blurt out.“I was just rubbing your back to help you relax, stroking your hair and pushing it out of my way... you commented on everything, Tris,” he chuckles.“What else,” I ask.“I think you dreamed about going on a date,” he relays. “You kept talking about holding hands and not hiding from the faction. You used Four’s real name a few times, telling him to shut up while you giggled about something.”“Uh,” I utter.“I know his real name, never forgot,” Eric lets me know as if that was what I was worried about.“Well, it is good that I narrated only a small part of my dream,” I admit and see the curiosity peak in Eric.“Naughty dreams,” he teases.“No, but maybe the gist got twisted by what I did not say,” I quietly state.“Pray tell,” Eric looks intrigued.“I don’t think it is a good idea.” I move my head up a bit more so I can get a better view of Eric’s face.“Hmm, were you stepping out on him,” he teases, but he must have seen something on my face. “Fuck me,” he chokes out. “Tris,” he exclaims.“What? I did not say anything,” I state brazenly. “You did not have to,” Eric retorts.“I was not fucking someone, if you need to know. I was simply enjoying the dream of dating someone and Four was not having a problem with this person, neither did my friends and family.”“Naughty things must have occurred the way you were giggling and moaning,” Eric repeats himself.“No, he was a perfect gentleman.” I state with conviction.“There is no such thing as a perfect gentleman, Tris. All men want to get their dicks wet and that’s a fact.”“No, not in my dream. That’s why it’s called a dream, Eric. Why are we even taking about what I am dreaming about? I should be getting up and working.”“Then go ahead,” Eric invites.“No, I don’t want to. You are comfortable and I like it right here.”“You said the same just before you fell asleep. Tris, I don’t like the idea of you sleeping on me and having sexual fantasies playing out with other men,” Eric blurts out and I shake my head.“I didn’t...”“It was pretty obvious from the moaning...”“No, it was not. You are misinterpreting where there is nothing to be read that way,” I interrupt again.“I am not stupid, Tris. Those sounds were nothing else but you receiving pleasure...”“You are stupid, it seems. And oblivious, too...”“The fuck I am...” Eric growls and narrows his eyes. I am looking him straight in the eye. My face is so close, there is just a hand’s width in between us.“I did not have a sex dream. There were moans of pleasure from a nice back rub and shoulder massage, nothing else. If you don’t believe me then you should rethink your own actions before you fucking act like that again,” I shout at him until I realise what I just said.Eric puts the pieces together in the meantime and his eyes widen, his mouth pops open and he stares at me for the longest time. I don’t turn away, I return his gaze head on. His is never wavering and neither is mine.“This is just like a scene from my dream,” I whisper to myself, but Eric heard and swallows hard.“What did I do,” he whispers back, still staring into my eyes.“You held onto my shoulders, moved a hand into my hair at the nape of my neck and you kissed me...”Eric’s lips move closer, his fingers spread into my hair, anchoring me to his hand and making me his willing puppet. I could move away, I could turn my head and avoid his lips, but I don’t. I welcome them, figuring that it would be nice to compare the dream to reality.Eric’s lips are chapped and I feel the roughness when he moves them along mine. Both our mouths are closed but it still feels like the most erotic thing I ever experienced.I inhale through my nose and exhale through my lips, opening my mouth slightly.Eric does not take advantage, he simply presses his lips harder to mine and wets them with his tongue, subsequently tracing mine also.“Eric,” I moan his name and he finally pushes his tongue inside my mouth.There is nothing hurried, it is just an exploration of the unknown. Getting to know each other differently. Our hands don’t roam, the kiss doesn’t pick up steam and it doesn’t even feel sexual to me. It’s more a ‘hello, how are you? Nice to meet you. We can get along perfectly if we want to’ conversation without words.I don’t know for how long we stay like this, but when we finally separate there is some awkwardness in the room. The unspoken questions of ‘what was that?’ and ‘Where do we go from here?’.Before I can speak Eric puts his fingers over my lips.“Let’s keep it as the idea of a nice dream,” he tells me quietly and I nod.“We are good,” I ask.“Yes,” “It won’t happen again?”“I doubt it.”“Huh?”“We are good, Tris. Let’s move on,” Eric demands and pushes me aside gently to get up, but then he turns around to help me up.“Maybe we meet another time to talk about the food or do you want to get it out of the way now,” he asks.“How about one of us talks to the chefs and asks them for the main ingredients for their dishes or if they are willing to share their recipes,” I suggest.“Why don’t you do that while I have a look at the numbers,” Eric suggests, effectively dismissing me. We don’t cross paths again that day and I decide to email him my report of what the chat with the chefs brought.It might sound like the coward’s way out, but I can’t help but feel this is the better path to take moving forward. That evening I open the new email server from Amity and, to my surprise, I see I received another email. …
Tuesday, May 16, 2214
11:21 AM
To: Volunteer one at Amity
From: Volunteer two at Amity
Subject: okay
Maybe you are right and I could use a sounding board too.
I have hopes and dreams, but mine are more out of reach than other’s even though they are so close, I can touch them with my bare hands.
… Okay, that sounds ominous.…
Tuesday, May 16, 2214
6::47 PM
To: Volunteer two at Amity
From: Volunteer one at Amity
Subject: Re: okay
That sounds like an ominous challenge.
I simply want to have someone to love me unconditionally, a partner who doesn’t mind working with me through my issues to build the family I dream of.
It might sound simple, but for me it is anything but. I am working towards this goal but I still have a long road ahead of me.
Volunteer one
… I check on Tobias who needs to get ready for work soon and find him still passed out in bed.I gently shake him awake and he looks at me with tired eyes.“I know now what you meant with not being able to sleep alone. That was ridiculous,” he bemoans but gets up without further complaints. While he is in the bathroom I make us something to eat. I am just sitting down at the table when my tablet pings.It’s a new message on my Amity account and I am pleasantly surprised. …
Tuesday, May 16, 2214
7:13 PM
To: Volunteer one at Amity
From: Volunteer two at Amity
Subject: Re: Re: okay
That I do understand.
I literally held my dream in my hands today but it slipped through my fingers.
Being loved for just being myself is something I gave up on a long time ago.
I hated the ridicule, so I am not putting myself out there any longer. Why should I do that if I don’t feel like I am facing the person that could be it for me?
… No, that sounds so sad. Everyone deserves their shot at happiness, and being ridiculed for having a condition sounds just cruel.…
Tuesday, May 16, 2214
7:16 PM
To: Volunteer two at Amity
From: Volunteer one at Amity
Subject: Re: Re: Re: okay
Ridicule means the other person was just plain wrong for you!!
And no, it’s not you, it is them! Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.
Please do not give up on finding the one person who will not care about your issues.
I live with my best friend... We both have issues, we understand the concept, but not in the way that we really know how it is to be in each other’s shoes.
It’s... complicated...
Volunteer One
… I hit send just as Tobias walks out of our room.“You are working from home now,” he asks when he kisses me on the head in passing.“No,” I admit. “It’s more therapy related.”I keep it vague but Tobias clearly paid attention when I talked to him about my sessions with Johanna.“You are really communicating with the other patient,” he asks with a voice laced in doubt.“It doesn’t hurt and we agreed to keep anything that would go against anonymity out of the messages. Nothing that indicates our faction or relates to ourselves.”“Just promise me to be careful. I don’t want you to get hurt by someone figuring out who you are and making it public,” Tobias states with conviction.“Somehow I doubt Johanna and Birch would have connected us with each other if they thought something like this could happen.”I am sure that those two have nothing but my progress and success in mind.“That’s all I needed to hear,” Tobias assures me and digs into his dinner.We don’t talk much. Tobias keeps an eye on the clock and I don’t know if I should bring up what happened with Eric today or not.Time answers this for me and before I know it I am alone. Hastily I make my way to my silenced tablet and check if I have a new message but there is none and with a feeling of sadness I go to bed. The next morning I wake up before Tobias is even at home. My tablet is blinking with a message and I am surprised to see my writing buddy is already up.…
Wednesday, May 17, 2214
4:54 AM
To: Volunteer one at Amity
From: Volunteer Two at Amity
Subject: maybe
Maybe they were right and it is good for me to have someone else to talk to. Contrary to you I do not have a friend to rely on.
I used to have, but family and friends started the ridicule and in the end I turned my back on them. One could claim faction before blood, yet to me they are dead, same faction or not.
…
Wednesday, May 17, 2214
5:47 AM
To: Volunteer two at Amity
From: Volunteer one at Amity
Subject: Maybe ...
Maybe you will accept my virtual friendship. I do not have much more to offer than my understanding of what it means to be different, but all my wisdom and support is yours if you want it.
I still don’t want to know any details you are not willing to share and I still think it is wise to keep anonymity up, but I am here whenever you want to run something by me.
Do you want to tell me more about your dream and how it slipped through your fingers?
Volunteer One
…
After I send the email I decide to go all out and treat myself and my loved ones. By the time Tobias walks tiredly through the front door I have a dozen chocolate muffins in the oven. I am aware I have a new vice, which is spending my points on chocolate, but I find it more than worth it.“Couldn’t sleep,” Tobias asks me while grabbing a glass of milk in anticipation of the baked goodie.“I did sleep, but I woke early and couldn’t fall back asleep. Too much stuff going around in my head,” I admit.“Your new email buddy isn’t bothering you, is he,” Tobias asks full of concern.“No, not at all. They seem to be in the same position as I am, but without a true friend to confide in and who is supportive.”“Then what’s swirling around that pretty little head of yours,” he teasingly asks.“A lot of things,” I hedge, but Tobias knows me too well.“Tris,” he says almost in warning,“Yes,” I sing.“What’s up,” he asks again.“Not much, really. It’s just ... EricmighthavekissedmeafterItoldhimaboutadreamIhad.”“Fucking hell, Tris, you better repeat that slowly. All I got was Eric and you better spill it right now before I track him down,” Tobias growls.“Hold your horses,” I exclaim. “Don’t go making things up as you go. Eric did nothing wrong, it’s just that ... we kissed.” Silence.“And then we agreed to not talk about it again.”Still silence. He blinks and breathes, so he is alive and presumably well.“Tris...”“I know, I am not going to proceed with someone who basically fucks a different girl against the Pit wall every time we have a party, but there is just something there. He comes up in my dreams and then he is so nice to me, his ally in the office. My brain is confused and imagining things that are just not real. I know this, but still... there is a weird connection between us when you take his attitude aside. And he does take it aside when he is with me, which makes it even harder to distinguish fantasy from reality.”Tobias shuts me up with a hand over my mouth and then proceeds to take the muffins out of the oven, never ceasing eye contact.I am silent and waiting for what he has to say,“Tris, Eric is different with you, there is not doubt about it. But I hardly find him a suitable partner for you when it comes to your heart,” Tobias implores.“I know this,” I admit.“Good,” he takes a deep breath, “just promise me you will be careful.”“I will,” I promise. “I actually decided to follow our agreement and act as if nothing happened. We agreed to this and I will hold up my end of the bargain.”We eat our treats and when Tobias heads to bed, I head into the office early, taking some of my goodies with me. Ron is not at the desk yet but I leave him a muffin on his chair, out of sight of anyone who might pass.I hesitate for a moment when I pass Eric’s door, it’s illuminated by the light switched on inside.Mentally slapping myself I move on and unlock my own office door, stashing the muffins in the closet.I am just starting up the computer when there is a knock on the storage room door and I hesitate for a moment before calling Eric in,“Hey, you are in early,” he greets me.“Yeah, for some reason my body thought I was done sleeping way before my alarm rang, so I got to baking,” I relay and Eric comes closer, sniffing the air like a bloodhound.“Chocolate muffins,” he declares and I gape at him.“How,” I ask.“Doesn’t matter, do you have any you are willing to share,” he asks.“Maybe,” I hedge.“Ah, I see, we are bartering.”“Maybe,” I repeat.“Good.” Eric rubs his hands in anticipation. “I will get two cups of coffee and the promise from Ron that we won’t be disturbed for the next hour,” he offers.Huh, I thought it would be hard to get anything.“Okay,” I breathe and Eric walks out the door without another word. I simply get the muffins out of the closet and put them on the coffee table while getting my computer sorted.Eric must have double timed it, he is back before I can get any work done.“Where are ... ah, there you are.” He sits down and shoves half a muffin into his mouth.“Small bites and chew,” I admonish, suddenly feeling like I am impersonating Veronica.“Not ...yweat.” Eric tries to speak with his mouth full. A few chunks go flying and one lands on my hand.“Eww,” I shout, looking down at the rather large crumb with mixed feelings of disgust, fascination and renewed hunger, which disgusts me even more.Before I can overanalyse that last bit, Eric grabs my hand and brings it to his mouth, sucking the crumb in and licking my hand clean. Now I feel like I could be catching flies... that was weird.Eric reacts as if nothing out of the ordinary happened and keeps devouring his muffin while sipping his coffee to make it go down easier.Finally I decide to eat a muffin of my own and it tastes just as good as the first one.“Wanna.. talk... about.. food,” Eric asks and I raise my eyebrow in question - my mouth is still full.“You talked to the chefs yesterday,” Eric explains when he is about done chewing.I nod and swallow. “Yes, did you not get the email,” I ask in surprise.“I read lots of emails, Tris, and I wrote more too since then.”And he leaves it at that.“The chefs want to work with us on this and suggested delegating to them. If we want to they had some suggestions on how to create a few more jobs and take some pressure off Amity.”“They want to preserve their own food,” Eric guesses.“Yes, but they also want to take it a step further. It seems they already have a bit of their own system for those stationed at the fence. Did you know about this,” I ask.“No.” Eric shakes his head for emphasis. “Elaborate,” he demands and takes another muffin, rendering himself useless for another minute or two.“They cook more food than the compound needs and freeze whole trays for those stationed at the fence. A whole kitchen and pantry doesn’t make sense out there but they have freezers and ovens, and that’s how they feed themselves. I honestly never thought about it, but yeah,” I trail off.“They want to preserve their dishes differently than freezing them and test that out with the fence guard supply first. It sounds like that freeze dryer Erudite is working on needs to be ordered by us also.”“You mentioned jobs,” Eric asks.“Yes, they think that they will need more staff if they are to cook more and they are hoping we will talk to Amity and Erudite and see about an underground greenhouse of sorts...”“Of course, you talked to Jared,” Eric groans.“Yes, was that wrong,” I query. Jared is head chef and kitchen master, so to speak. He is the one in charge of everything food related.“No, but it won’t surprise you when I say that he his former Erudite with both parents working as botanists.” I shake my head. “Good, then add his former Amity wife working as his second and you have someone dying to grow his own produce.”“I fail to see how this is bad.”“It will only be bad if he is not Dauntless enough to reign himself and his wife in,” Eric admits.“So?”“I can talk to Jeanine if you talk to Johanna and then we might have to talk to Max,” Eric summarises and takes another muffin.I lean back against the back of the couch and close my eyes, holding the muffin in my hands while I think everything through.“Tris?” I hear Eric, but before I can answer I can feel hot breath on my hands and look down to see blonde hair descending onto my lap.“What the fuck,” I exclaim, and Eric rears back up, looking at me guiltily.“Did you want to eat that muffin,” he asks as if nothing happened.“Here,” I hold it out to him.“Thanks,” he grabs it and gets up.“I think we are done here, keep me posted?”“Sure,” I shout after him and then I am alone in my office.So much for staying away from Eric.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Tris POV
The next weeks pass in a blur of extra activities. Not only am I working on initiation and emergency preparedness, I am also busy doing my special workouts for my pelvic floor muscles multiple times a day. I am following the routines Johanna suggested and chat with my new pen pal, who doesn’t seem to be doing as well as I am.Then there are my friends that won’t be forgotten, and during the bit of spare time I do have it’s household chores and catching up with Tobias whenever our schedules merge enough to spend some quality time together. We are now at the end of July and about to start our little initiation experiment. The dorms are prepared, the gym got some new equipment and Hana and Tori are ready to run the faction with us being on standby if needed. We do have people assigned to night duty and all supervisors are stepping up to help keep us focused on initiation.We will be around as we have to eat in the cafeteria and cross the compound to get to where we have to be. We made concessions though and we will only do a three day show and tell of how we want to train the new initiates before we get to the two day scavenger hunt. That one we are not cutting short as we never did one before and need to iron out any problems now.We took the liberty of asking everyone for a small duffel bag with stuff they want to take and this way we will be able to assign the better beds to the right people. Veronica’s extra treatment will be announced when we get to the dorms the first time as a group and that’s also when we suggest the separate shower times.So, by Sunday evening I find myself in the office, finishing up paperwork that shouldn’t wait for a week before being dealt with and writing emails to Johanna and my new online friend.We did have some awkward moments over the last weeks, like when I got tired of signing my letters as Volunteer One and my partner never signed them at all. I suggested calling us ‘one’ and ‘two’ and that was shot down rather rudely. …
Wednesday, May 24, 2214
6:27 PM
To: Volunteer Two at Amity
From: Volunteer One at Amity
Subject: Call signs
Why don’t I keep One and I will call you Two?
This way it will be gender neutral but still a bit easier to communicate.
One
…
Wednesday, May 24, 2214
9:12 PM
To: Volunteer One at Amity
From: Volunteer Two at Amity
Subject: Re: Call signs
I do not plan on being second where I do have the power to do so. No thanks, call me Volunteer if you have to give me a name.
… Oops, they were a bit testy afterwards and never called me ‘One’, but I kept it up and they did not complain again.…
Sunday, July 23, 2214
5:32 PM
To: Volunteer two at Amity
From: Volunteer one at Amity
Subject: communication
Hey Volunteer,
I will be rather busy the next few days and might only reply at odd times. Thought I should remind you in case there is something you need to talk about.
One
… With that one sent, I switch off all electronics and lock my drawers. Tori and Hana will be working from Max’s and Veronica’s offices. I am just locking my door when I sense eyes on me.Eric is leaning against the wall next to his office, arms crossed in front of his impressive chest, covered only in a t-shirt, and looks at me expectantly.“Everything ready for tomorrow,” he asks.His tone of voice implicates there is more to his question and I look at him, unsure how to answer. “Are all the beds ready,” he clarifies and I finally see the light.“Of course, we will drop the bags off later and that’s how we assign the beds,” I explain.“That is a great idea, who is helping you,” he follows up.“Christina,” I admit.“Four won’t help you two carry all the bags?” Eric raises his eyebrow and I feel like slapping him.“He is still at work, handing everything over because Zeke will be gone too,” I explain although I should not have to.“I’ll help.” It comes out so fast, I think he surprised himself with the offer.“You don’t have to,” I give him an out.“I insist, Tris. I need to get more people on my side and Candor is a good one to practice on.”Oh, oh.“I wouldn’t hold my breath,” I mutter, but nod my head in agreement nevertheless.“Good, ready to go?”“Uh, I am meeting her after dinner.”“Then let’s go.” Eric offers me his hand and I take it because I do not want to look I am not his friend. I know I promised myself to be as normal as possible, but I still avoided Eric where I could get away with it because it was just easier. When you kiss someone and feel like there could be more before agreeing to never speak of it again. Then you pretend it did not happen but still have to work with that person, yeah, it makes things awkward.His hand is nice and warm - not sweaty, which I appreciate given the season.Eric doesn’t lead me to the cafeteria though, but to our apartments.Yes, our apartments, Tobias and I agreed to trial moving into the leadership wing together. Veronica promised me she would put a hold on our old apartment and Tobias can return any time he wants. If he wishes to, that is. Otherwise his status as substitute leader will give him the chance to request another apartment right here.We have our own bedrooms and I haven’t gotten used to that yet. I sleep extremely shitty every single night.“I tried to use up my left overs so I don’t come back to rotten food,” Eric explains his reasoning without any prompting.“Okay, that is something I should have done,” I admit without shame.“Just drop your food off with one of your friends or even Ron,” Eric suggests, and I nod enthusiastically.I haven’t been in his apartment since the flu incident and I am looking around, checking if I can spot any changes.I can hear Eric working around the kitchen, doors banging, the hum of the microwave and the ding when it’s done,Before I know it I have a steaming plate of food it in front of me.It is a weird mix of meat, potatoes and vegetables with a tomato type sauce, but I have to admit it smells and tastes divine. We don’t talk much over dinner, but Eric reminds me about our deal once more.“I have a nice bed,” he questions.“As nice as we could get away with,” I admit.“And we will have separate showers,” he follows up.“We plan on tackling that first thing in the morning when we have everyone together. Our plan is to tap into Max’s protectiveness of Veronica and Four is going to hype it up as well. Uriah and Zeke want to say they do not want to see their little sister naked while I return the sentiment. Lauren offered to eye Max a bit suggestively but I advised to stay clear of him. Veronica is one hormonal mess whose action can not be predicted by anyone.”“Okay,” Eric draws that out and eyes me speculatively. “You are still my partner for the scavenger hunt? Four knows about our agreement,” Eric asks again.“Yes, everyone is aware. Veronica, Tori and Hana are doing the final preparations for that one and they know your condition for agreeing to this trial is that you are partnered with me. They all know how competitive you are so it wasn’t a hard sell.”“Maybe I just prefer your company,” Eric teases.“Or you were afraid to be partnered with Four,” I retort and Eric shudders. “Yeah, thought so,” I quip and Eric glares at me. “What?! Sometimes the truth hurts,” I chide.“Come on,” Eric grabs the plates and rinses them in the sinks. “Where did you stash all the bags,” he asks.“My apartment.”“Then let’s go,” he commands and walks towards the door, holding it open for me. Christina is nowhere in sight so I lead Eric into my apartment. He looks around curiously.“Where are the bags? Spare bedroom,” he asks, heading for the door to Tobias’ room.“Stop,” I shout after him and to his credit he does so immediately. “That’s Four’s room, they are in mine,” I wave my hand towards the master bedroom.Eric eyes me curiously. “You don’t share a bed anymore,” he asks gently.“Uh, no, we are ...” I trail off, unsure how to explain my relationship.“It’s okay, Tris. May I enter your bedroom,” Eric asks once more with a tone that makes him sound like he would never raise his voice or loose his temper.“Go ahead, I have nothing to hide,” I state and then cringe, because, duh.Eric’s eyes are still on me and he seems to be evaluating something.“Come on,” he grabs my hand again and opens my bedroom door, pulling me inside.The bags are stacked neatly to one side, sticky notes with the names of who owns which bag attached. Eric looks them over and then at me.“Where is the rest?”“I was going to finish packing mine,” I admit.“We are still short two.”“Christina and Four. I’ll go check his room,” I offer and walk out the door. Just as I am about to open Tobias’ door there is a knock. I sigh and go to let Christina in.“Eric is here to help us bring the bags down and check everything over one last time,” I say in greeting.“Whatever,” Christina dismisses Eric’s presence easily.“Be nice,” I request, “He wants to work on his people skills,” I add in a whisper.Christina looks around. “Where is he?”“My bedroom. Go ahead,” I encourage. “I have to grab Four’s bag and then finish mine.”Christina shakes her head when I walk into Tobias’ room. None of our friends were told why we have separate rooms, but they know something is up.“Want me to finish packing,” Christina shouts after me.“Just grab the pajama from on top of the stack and underwear for five days,” I shout while searching the back of the closet for Tobias’ bag.Where did he put it?“Need some help,” I hear a rough voice behind me and look in between my legs to see Eric standing in the doorway, eyeing my rather unfortunate position.“I have no clue where he left his bag,” I explain. “I know he said it was packed,” I add.“You mean you did not see the bag right here by the door,” Eric asks with a grin, nodding his head towards the ground.I groan in frustration but get up and grab it.“Thanks,” I grumble, and he laughs.“Thirteen bags.” Christina gets our attention. “One trip or two?”“One,” Eric decides. “You take four and I’ll take five,” he offers.I can do four bags.Silently, Christina and I grab the bags and wait for Eric by the door.We make our way to the dorms faster than I expected and I feel a bit sweaty when we arrive.“Okay, I think I need to change my workout to include carrying bags around,” I admit.Eric and Christina both look at me. “What?! I have no problem admitting that I am covered in sweat from doing something I never had to do before. We will have to carry bags around with us for the scavenger hunt,” I remind them and at least Christina groans.“Why do you look so smug,” she attacks Eric.“Because I run every morning with a weighted backpack,” he admits and that’s news even to me.“Well, then you will be the one carrying ours when it’s time,” I demand.“We’ll see,” he hedges.“If you rather want to fall behind when I am too slow carrying all the things they want us to gather,” I goad and of course we both know I got him now.“Fine.”“Thanks.” I blow him a kiss.Christina looks at us with something akin to amusement.“I heard rumors that you two get along, but I never thought I would get to see how true they were,” she summarises.“Which beds are the nicer ones,” Eric asks and Christina gets distracted by pointing them all out. Eric throws bags onto those beds she points to and I do see him discreetly checking the tags before he picks a bag from the stack of our ‘priority’ pile.We have different beds this year. The bunk beds are gone and we are going with individual beds. The room is more than big enough to accommodate them and we are hoping it will help people rest easier if they do not have someone tossing and turning above them.We check the room over. Everyone has a pillow and blanket, the bathrooms are stocked with towels and toilet paper and we agree that this is as good as it gets.Eric and Christina find common ground when they both stare at the open showers in disgust and voice their hope for a remodel.It seems to catch them by surprise that they actually agree on something, but I find hope in that.… That night I am sleeping restless again, checking the time every five minutes, it seems.When morning finally dawns I have a shower and get dressed before I check on Tobias. He came home late and we did not get a chance to talk.He is up and waiting for me, a look of expectation on his face.“Are you ready,” he asks.“Why are you so excited,” I ask.“Because we might change initiation for the better,” he explains and I do understand his enthusiasm now.“Then let’s go and meet the rest,” I invite and we both head towards the cafeteria where we agreed to meet for breakfast before we start our experiment. Max reserved a row of tables for us for the time that we are doing the simulated initiation. Usually initiates would sit wherever there was a vacant seat, but he thinks we should use this time to make us approachable to the faction, and the best way to do this is for them to know where and when to find us.We seem to be the last ones arriving. Our group is thirteen people strong. Five leaders, four initiate trainers and the four ambassadors. Uriah is seated right in between Callum, Sean and Lance as if showing a united front is going to help him over the next days.“Zeke,” I hear an excited voice shout from right behind me and turn around to see a beaming Shauna run past me and hug a stunned looking Zeke.“Oh, oh,” Tobias mutters and I look at him.“I think he forgot that Shauna was coming back from the fence today, just look at his face. Wanna bet that their apartment hasn’t been cleaned since she left,” he wagers.“I saw it yesterday, he definitely didn’t clean,” I admit.“This is going to be fun,” Tobias whispers and I look at him appalled. “Zeke is getting his ass reamed,” he explains.“That might be, but think about poor Shauna cleaning that pigsty and then leaving again when she is done. No, that’s not going to happen,” I exclaim and heads turns my way.I make my way over to a contrite looking Zeke and a pissed off Shauna, who quickly realised Zeke’s mistake.“Hey girl.” I hug her from behind. “Want to stay in my clean leadership apartment with a well stocked pantry,” I whisper in her ear and she turns around beaming.“Tris, my best friend,” she exclaims loudly.“Thanks, I will do that,” she whispers when she hugs me in greeting.We take a seat and Shauna is out for blood.“So, sweetheart,” she looks at Zeke innocently. “What will I cook for dinner for us tonight,” she asks sweetly and Zeke visibly swallows.He looks left and right but sees only curious faces and not anyone willing to help him out.“Uh, you see, we will need to postpone our reunion... I need to stay in the dorms the next three days and then we will be doing a scavenger hunt that goes on over two days,” he tries to explain.“You are staying in the dorms,” Shauna repeats as if she never heard that bit before.“Yes?”“And where are you eating,” she asks.“Here,” Zeke answers truthfully.“Great, I will meet you here for all meals then.” She pauses as if she never thought about it before today. “Are you all sharing the same room,” she asks even louder.“Yes,” Zeke replies so fast, he definitely did not realise he should have thought about the repercussions.“And the showers,” Shauna follows up with an edge to her voice.“It’s communal...” Zeke trails off and looks at us. “Help,” he mouths to Tobias who shakes his head.“Don’t go looking at Four, he has Tris with him the whole time. I bet those two will make their own shower arrangements because I sure as hell don’t want other women to see my man naked,” Shauna exclaims, and I could not love her more at this moment.She knows we want to force Max’s hand for the bathroom redo, us girls talked about it more than once but I did not expect her to play it up for us.“You all can watch my man but there will be no touching, accidental or not. I hear about anything untowards and I will come looking for you,” Marlene pipes up and Uriah seems to be caught off guard.“Well, my girl is off limits. You happen to be in the bathroom the same time as her and you will avert your eyes to the ceiling or floor,” Will states.Oh yes, this is even better than a showdown in the dorms. This is public and Max’s face says it all. He is getting pissed already.“Let’s eat, then we’ll get started,” he commands with an edge to his voice and I do an internal fist pump.After that we quickly eat and say goodbye before heading to the dorms.… “Oh my god, I forgot how bad the smell is,” Veronica moans when we walk in.“You’ll get used to it,” Eric throws in and receives glares from all sides.“Watch what you say to my wife,” Max growls.“No, you will get used to it. It’s the same every year,” Eric explains with a deep sigh to show his exasperation.“Fuck no, that has to change! Max.” Veronica looks at her husband imploringly “I don’t care what needs to be done but you will find out the reason for this stink and take care of it once and for all. I don’t want my baby in here until this smells like fucking roses,” Veronica demands and Max nods hastily.“The bags have name tags, find your bag and you have found your bunk,” Christina exclaims loudly.“Veronica, we gave you a newer mattress and more pillows,” I shout after my aunt.“Thanks Tris, at least someone is looking out for the old pregnant lady,” she grumbles.“You are not old,” Max pipes up but he should have shut up while we were ahead.“I am old by faction standard and not a young mom like most of the other twenty something year olds. My doctor seems to remind me daily so shut the fuck up and thank your niece that she is looking out for me in your stead,” Veronica growls.Oh goodie, hormones on the prowl.I look around the room for my own bag and finally find it.“Excuse me,” I hear Tobias’ annoyed voice. “I demand we trade beds,” he follows up and I see him on the other side of the room, eyeing the bed right next to Zeke and then looking back to where I am standing,“No,” I hear from behind me and I really question my sanity when I do a little happy dance within.“Why are you sleeping next to Tris, Eric,” Tobias demands to know and I can see we garnered everyone’s attention.“Because she promised me she would be my training buddy throughout this trial,” Eric explains calmly.“It still doesn’t mean she wants you that close while asleep,” Tobias tries again and I sigh.“Can we please just get this training exercise started? We have three days and there is no time for a pissing contest,” I lecture them all, a warning clear in my voice.“Just shut up and listen,” Max sounds off again.“Showers,” Veronica suddenly exclaims and we all look at her in surprise. “Max, I forgot that they are open,” she shouts with dismay from the bathroom door.“I have to pee, so everyone stays right out there until I am back,” she shouts over her shoulder while disappearing.“Weren’t there individual stalls,” Christina wonders out loud from beside me.“Yes,” I hiss quietly to get her to shut up before Veronica comes back.“Then why is she complaining?” Christina doesn’t want to recognize the danger my nine months pregnant aunt represents.“Just....,” I start, but Max comes closer with a stern look on his face,“Christina, for the sake of everyone in this faction. Whatever Veronica says you either agree with or pretend it makes sense,” he warns.Christina looks at us wide eyed and when Oscar, Eric and Tobias nod vehemently she simply shrugs her shoulders.“Soo, Tris will be bunking with Eric,” she changes the topic effectively.“No,” Tobias states.“I want my training buddy close to me in case you have some nightly surprise exercises planned,” Eric pipes up. “This way we can both make sure the other one gets ready on time.”“What,” I ask loudly.“Hana, Tori, and and Harrison together with Veronica were in charge of a few things that we have no knowledge about. Did it never occur to you that they might pull a version of capture the flag on us,” Eric asks the whole group and from the looks of it nobody came to that conclusion. I can see weary faces all around. Oh goodie.“Fine,” Tobias growls, “but we still need to talk about the bathroom routine.”Veronica comes back just in time for the showdown.“Don’t worry, Four, Tris can be my shower buddy,” Eric says calmly while pulling me into his side and all hell breakes loose.I need to step protectively in front of Eric when Max, Tobias, Zeke, Uriah, Christina and Veronica advance on him.“Gender separation for bathroom time,” Max growls loudly and the others reluctantly step back. This is what we wanted, but their reactions were all genuine when Eric made his comment. The transition is hard and I am the first to admit that I actually shivered in delight at the idea.God, I do need to email Johanna later and ask if she can counsel me via email. I am not going to survive the next few days without embarrassing myself.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Tris POV
The next three days pass in a blur of activities. We quickly refresh target practice with guns and knives. Then there are combat skills and a simple workout routine that is supposed to help us build muscle mass and core strength.We take the obligatory trip to the fence with Veronica staying back and spending the day at the office.It is different now that I am a leader and I have to admit that we use this opportunity to talk to the guards about the new food system we are trialling. The reactions are positive enough to think about giving the go ahead for our chef’s emergency preparedness efforts. Now we are on day four and it already late afternoon.The scavenger hunt is going quite well so far and I am pleasantly surprised by Eric’s willingness to work together. Or maybe I just underestimated his need to win? Whatever it is, we hit all the targets and received our equipment while running through the whole of Chicago.That’s how I find myself alone with Eric, our backpacks and just an old fashioned map and compass jumping out of the train headed for Amity.As we trudge through the tall grass that looks ready for hay making I am putting all my trust in Eric’s ability to read the compass and map correctly. I did pay attention during the class but I have the strong suspicion that it would be best to let him do this without starting a fight about who is in charge.“We are getting closer“, Eric growls out and wipes some sweat from his forehead. “There,” he exclaims when we reach a clearing.“And now what,” I ask exasperated.“Now we look around for the next clue,” he states harshly.With that I turn around and ignore his groans and grunts. I purposely choose the more shaded side to look around and, just as expected, Eric takes the opposite end of the clearing.It doesn’t take long before I spot the disturbance in the grass, but I am holding back my sounds of triumph and glee.I follow the barely visible path and come across an area that has been dug up.“There is something here,” I shout, finally giving away that I got this one.Eric shouts for me to show myself and I stand up in between the tall grass, waving at him. “What do you think it is,” I ask when he is done inspecting the ground.“Only one way to find out,” he declares and grabs the folded shovel from our equipment stash.Without another word he gets started and digs, and digs, and finally he hits something that’s not soil.“How far down did they think they had to bury that,” I ask in annoyance.“Doesn’t matter, we don’t give up and we are rewarded,” Eric lectures me.“Pull it up and let’s see,” I demand and crouch down to help Eric move the soil around the rather large bag.It takes a good while, but when we are done we are looking into a huge waterproof bag that contains a tent, mats and sleeping bags. Of course there is another note and I rip it open before Eric has a chance to grab it.“You are probably exhausted, covered in grime and dirt, and wondering what’s next,” I read out loud. “Well, fret not more, we want you to stay right here. There is a stream as well as a food cache nearby. Coordinates are on the back. Good luck!”“Well,” I look at the back of the letter and then at us. “Are we going to set up camp and then go locking for the stuff or the other way around,” I query.Eric looks up at the sky and then around the clearing.“Let’s pick a campsite, set up what we can and then we will go look for the stream and provisions,” he suggests.“In the middle or sheltered by trees?”“Don’t think it will make a difference,” Eric grumbles.“Fine, then we’ll just see where there is a good spot.” We get lucky and there is a sandy spot towards the middle of the clearing.“We pitch the tent on the grass and cook on the sand. The grass is a bit on the dry side and I don’t want to accidentally start a fire,” I state.Eric simply grunts and unloads the large bag. It does take us some time to set the tent up. Neither of us have done this before and it is trickier than one would have imagined.Once done we decide to keep our gear on and track down the food first. It is a large box, suspended in the air and I have to climb the tree, boosted up by Eric’s strong arms, to get to the rope.There is a note on it, telling us to keep it the same way we found it in order to not attract wild animals.We just look at each other and know exactly what the other one is thinking.“Weapons within reach tonight,” Eric summarises.“We’ll bring it to camp first and come back for the stream with canteens and pots,” I ask.“Sure, and I will definitely have a quick rinse,” Eric declares and I gape at him.“What, still afraid to see me naked,” he teases, and I swallow hard.“Relax, Tris. I was actually thinking about going in as I am. I want to rinse out my clothes and put them up to dry at camp,” Eric explains, and I swallow hard once more, thinking about Eric just clad in boxers, sitting around the fire.“Won’t you be cold tonight,” I ask.“I have spare clothes,” he simply replies.What a shame, I think to myself and quickly turn around to avoid any of my thoughts from showing on my face.“Sounds good,” I croak.Judging by the chuckle I just know he knows the effect this scenario has on me. So back we track once more with our bounty. There is food and cooking equipment so we gather every container we can safely carry and take them with us on our hunt for water.We can hear the water long before we see it.The stream is neither wide nor deep, but it will do for our purposes.We fill the pots and canteens first, then we take our shoes off.I decide to follow Eric’s lead and wash my clothes. I know I do have shorts and a tank top in my bag and they will be absolutely fine with the temperature this high.Eric looks at me in surprise when I take my shirt off and rub the fabric together while holding it underwater, then he simply turns around and does the same.His back is absolutely gorgeous. Big, bulging muscles that move with every motion and to me it it like a mesmerizing dance. Like some people keep staring at dancing flames in fireplaces, I am equally enthralled.I snap out of it when Eric starts taking his pants off and I quietly turn around to do the same. I am really glad I saved my modest panties for today. Let’s just say I had a feeling it would be appreciated to wear the things Christina snuck in the over first three days and wear the underwear I actually wanted now.Once done, I wring out my clothes and move back to where I left my backpack. I use a small towel I brought to clean and dry my skin and then quickly put my fresh clothes on.When I turn back to check on Eric I am surprised to see him almost behind me. His back is still turned to me, but he is only wearing a pair of athletic shorts and no t-shirt.“Ready,” he asks and I look at him.“Don’t you want to put a shirt on,” I ask carefully. “You don’t want to get burned,” I voice one of my concerns.“I can’t find it,” he admits with a deep sigh.“Huh,” comes out of my mouth.“Might have forgotten to pack it. Doesn’t matter. What’s done is done and we will be back at the campsite soon,” Eric grouses and starts walking.I quickly follow and we make it back in good time, given that we are laden down with water and wet clothes as well as our backpacks. Eric puts a long rope across the corner of the clearing and hangs up everything we washed.“Dinner,” I suggest and Eric grunts in reply.“Better get started. I have a feeling it is later than we think.” We get busy, Eric building the fireplace and starting a small fire that he keeps adding bigger and bigger branches to.Meanwhile I am preparing our dinner. We have a selection of vegetables that we can roast in the flames with the help of some tinfoil that was with the food. They even thought to give us seasoning which will make everything more appetizing. I grab a metal tripod that was with the gear and place in towards the edge of the fire, ensuring the flames will reach. Then I place one of the pots with water on top.“What are you doing, Tris,” Eric asks when I take the pot off and put it right beside the tripod, out of the fire’s reach.“I am heating water later. We might want to have a coffee or decide to boil the vegetables instead,” I trail off.“Roasting should be more than fine,” Eric assures me.“Okay. Are you hungry or not yet,” I ask.“Just throw them in now, they will take a while and we might want to eat them cold instead of hot. The heat is still present and I, for once, would like my food cold,” he admits.“Thank god, me too,” I exclaim and he chuckles.“What now,” I ask when the food is roasting, the camp set up and the clothes drying.“Now we do whatever we want,” Eric replies and I look around.“Any ideas?”“Wanna make out,” Eric suggests teasingly, winking my way.“Sure,” I call him out once more and flutter my eyelashes.“Then come over here.” Eric opens his arms wide.“Uh, no, thanks. Why don’t you put on a shirt,” I ask.“Why don’t you put on pants,” Eric replies.“Touché.” Silence.“What do you think about the trial,” I ask in all honesty.Eric looks at me and leans back against his backpack, arms crossed behind his head. It makes his well-sculpted torso look even better.Please don’t drool, I tell myself.“If Max doesn’t change his mind about the refurbishments I think it was an overall success,” Eric admits and I smile at him brightly. “There are some minor flaws that need to be corrected though,” Eric adds and I motion for him to elaborate. “I agree with Four that we need to change the way the beds are arranged.”“You didn’t like sleeping close to me,” I blurt out, sounding more offended than I care to admit to myself.“I did not mind, Tris, but I doubt Four liked Zeke trying to take over his bed or that Lance appreciated it when Christina kept slapping and kicking him in her sleep.”“Okay, I understand that part. The new initiates don’t even know each other the way we do,” I admit. “So how do we arrange the beds to use the space properly without going back to bunks,” I demand to know.“Just push the headboards against the walls and line them up. That should work out better with a bigger space in the middle.”He is right, now that I hear it.“Okay, what else?”I am curious what he will come up with.“You should offer those initiates with existing skills an additional challenge so they stay focused and don’t lose out because they are bored to death and wondering what the fuck initiation is all about.”“And how do you suggest we do that?”“Offer the strong runners the chance to take a weighted backpack, offer those with plenty of muscle mass different workouts so they feel like they are also progressing and not just being stalled so the others can catch up. We want a more level playing field, but we have to ensure not to punish those that have a great overall fitness. Dauntless initiates are more likely to know all these things already and need to be treated differently. There might be some that need time to catch up, Shauna sure did and so did Marlene to some regard, but they still had an advantage of years growing up here.”“Do you feel like we are doing the wrong thing,” I ask, interrupting him.“No, Tris, I think this is the right thing to do. Other factions have different requirements. If you are trying to become Erudite then there is no way around an IQ test, and that shows whether you have it or not. You can’t learn how to be smart, but you can learn how to be truthful, you can condition yourself to be selfless, just like you are working on being more selfish. You can’t really learn to be brave, but you can learn how to work through obstacles like fears and practice till you react on instinct when you have to fight for your life. We need to see people showing they have the will to persevere more than the actual skill,” Eric admits and I almost gape at him.“You did not sound like that during my own initiation,” I remind him gently.“I am still learning shit as well, Tris. Nobody is perfect and if you think back to the beginning you have to admit I made some changes,” Eric challenges.“You were a grouchy asshole,” I throw at him.“I was a strict leader who took himself a bit too serious,” Eric admits.I do feel bad now, but not bad enough to stop this line of thought.“Maybe if you had thought about the consequences of your actions you would have acted differently in hindsight,” I offer a carrot.“Maybe,” he hedges. “I might not have taught you well about why we never give up,” Eric admits. I know Max punished him something fierce for his shortcomings, but I never learned how Eric really thought about it all.“You are also a sore loser,” I remind him and he gives me the stinky eye.“I never lost the annual capture the flag until you came along. You are smart and courageous, Tris. I did not count on you speaking up and standing your ground. I kind of counted on the other ones riding roughshod over you,” he admits and looks at me to gauge my opinion.“It’s not the first time you underestimated me,” I remind him.“I know, but I was never more content to be proven wrong.”Wow!“Thank you,” I state. No further comment needed.We are quiet for a little bit. “Are you okay,” Eric asks me out of the blue and I look at him, startled out of my thoughts.“Yeah, I am warm, the food is cooking and we did great today,” I summarise.“That’s not what I meant, Tris. Are you and Four okay,” he clarifies.“Yes, why wouldn’t we be,” I query.“You moved from a small apartment to the leadership wing and then you sleep in separate bedrooms,” Eric explains his thought process.“We are good, Eric. We are just not in a relationship where you need to sleep next to the other when there is a perfectly good bedroom free to be used. I am still not used to sleeping on my own,” I admit.“You seemed rather cuddly,” Eric says, and I gape at him.“What?!”“Uh,” he looks down and scratches his neck. I know that gesture from Tobias and Zeke. It means they blurted something out and are trying to find a way to justify saying it.“Yes,” I encourage with a big smile on my face. Come on, Eric. Let’s hear your made up excuse.“You were moving closer to me at night,” Eric finally tells me and I look at him hard. This actually sounds like he is telling the truth.“Okay,” I question him, more or less.“You know, you came over to my side of the bed and pushed under my blanket every time I moved towards the far side,” Eric elaborates.“I am sorry if it bothered you.”“No, it was fine. I thought you were used to cuddle up to Four so I did not want to say anything and piss him off further.”“Is that why you were gone every morning?” I am curious now.“No, I actually like to get up early and train before having a quiet shower. I am not the biggest fan of shared bathrooms either,” Eric admits and I chuckle.“Trust me, I doubt the guys are as bad as Christina and Veronica. Those two had just one topic in mind and that was that they rather had Max and Will there than Lauren and me.”“Max was talking about dick sizes and how horny Veronica gets,” Eric replies.“How they can not masturbate to relieve the tension because we are all sleeping so close and the fact that Max refuses to help her out because we are all sleeping in the dorms,” I counter.“Well, I can assure you Max had no problem having a shower with a happy ending for himself,” Eric trumps me once more.“Wow, really,” I ask.“Yes, unfortunately. I decided it would be good to shower after my workout in the gym after that. Did you never notice how fast the guys were with their showers from the second morning onwards,” Eric asks and looks me directly in the eye.“No, I was too busy keeping the peace with Veronica around,” I admit and Eric nods in acknowledgement of a rather wise choice.“Was it that bad during your initiation,” I ask.“I don’t know. I actually worked out every morning before the others got up and showered in the gym, just like I did now. Did Four never say anything?”“He did something similar in the evening,” I admit and Eric grins at me.“That means they did or he was too prudish to be around other people while naked.”“That was uncalled for,” I tell him sternly.“Tris, Abnegation is fucked up when it comes to being prim and proper. I would not even call it modest. They are repressed and afraid of encountering anything sexual. It was ingrained into you since birth. It was expected, but when I was an initiate I did not think about it the same way I do now. With age and experience comes more wisdom,” he tells me with a straight face.“Are you taking a piss at me,” I want to know.“No, I wouldn’t dare to. I know what happens to Uriah and Zeke when they piss you off,” Eric admits and I look at him in surprise. Did he really notice? “Yes, I know that you chat with Hana and that you just happen to visit their superiors when something they say or do annoys you. Did you not notice they stopped trying to prank you a few weeks ago,” Eric asks.Huh, will you look at that. He is right.Eric gets up and moves the food away from the fire.Has it been that long?He stabs his fork into the potatoes and it moves in with ease.“Done,” Eric proclaims.“Will we let it cool down a bit,” I ask.“Sure,” Eric puts everything on the rack and takes his previous seat. “Wanna make out,” he repeats his earlier question.“What will you do if I say yes,” I ask, curious as to what he will say.“Make out,” he shrugs his shoulders as if to say ‘what else?!’.“I got that part, but what next? We kiss, we touch and then what? When will we stop? After you have an orgasm? After you give me one? What about when you are satisfied? You are not the relationship type, Eric. You find a different girl every single time I see you with one,” I add.Eric swallows visibly and my eyes focus on his throat. His hand comes up to rub his neck again and I get my answer.“Don’t sweat it, Eric,” I laugh humorlessly. “I might not be Abnegation anymore, but I do have certain expectations and visions of how my future should look like. I am not made for random hook ups, no matter how often we seem to migrate to each other.”“Tris, I am not...”I cut him off by walking over and putting my fingers over his mouth.“Eric, I never expected you to act differently around me. It was nice to see that we do have chemistry, but I am more old fashioned than what it looks like when I am around you. You catch me by surprise and I go further with you than I would otherwise dare...”This time he silences me by pushing my hand away and pulling my head down towards his waiting lips.With an ‘oomph’ I land right on top of him and the way he was sprawled out makes the kiss even hotter.One of his hands winds its way into my hair, holding me tightly to him while his lips move in sync with mine.Oh god, I missed this. I really did, and it seems so did Eric. His other hand comes up and when it reaches the small of my back he pushes me into him so we are glued together. I am right on top of him, my height making my feet lie on his knees.We kiss enthusiastically and with passion, both of us similarly engaged.I can feel Eric’s hand wander and although it doesn’t stray far from my back, its new position on my ass makes me more than aware of what we are doing and where.Eric squeezes a bit too hard and somehow I end up shrieking into his mouth.I try to pull back but his hand is still in my hair, holding me in place.“No, Tris,” he whines and continues to kiss me.I move my hands in between us and gently push against his chest. To his credit, Eric immediately lets me go and I move back far enough to catch my breath without being tempted to attack his lips myself.“Why don’t we eat dinner,” I suggest and avoid his gaze.“Why don’t we talk about making out some more,” Eric suggests, and this time I glare at him.“Tris, don’t do that,” he implores and I glare some more.“I am not a random hook up just because we are alone out here,” I seethe.“Nobody said you were. Maybe I want to see where things can go,” Eric admits, and I still.“What?! No, no, no. We will not talk about this here. We will finish this fake initiation and then we can sit down and talk sometime next week. I don’t like to be ambushed and I like to think things through. I am sure you will feel differently after you have the chance to get your horny ass serviced at the next party.” I see he is about to speak up. “No matter what you say will change my mind. We can talk next week or not at all.”With that I turn around and prepare two plates. I don’t look at Eric when I hand it to him and I don’t look at him while I eat in silence. To his credit, Eric leaves me alone, but he sits rather close to me. When we are done Eric silently gathers the left over food and hoists the box up a tree, securing the rope tightly.“It’s late, Tris. We should go to bed,” he suggests quietly.I nod without looking at him and crawl into the tent. It is hot inside, we should have left a flap open, but it seems neither of us has been camping before today.Another lesson learned.“Tris, can we at least continue like we did before,” Eric asks me, sounding exasperated. He goes to lie beside me on his sleeping bag.I finally look at him and see his expression. The sadness almost makes me cave, but I remind myself to be strong.“I am not sure I can, Eric. This has to stop, you know. We need to think about things and clear the air, but I really do need some time to work things out for myself. I got to know you better, Eric, but I still think that you are not ready for the commitment I need,” I try to explain.“We talked about how people change, Tris, and I think you got to know me rather well. I will talk to you next week if you promise to not ignore me anymore,” Eric bargains and I have to admit that ignoring him is not the right solution. It was a temporary set up to give myself a bit more time to get a grip on my emotions and it was not fair to Eric.“I am sorry I was rude,” I start, but Eric pushes his fingers over my lips this time.“I get it, Tris. You needed a moment.”“I did, but I should have told you this instead of just ignoring you. That was rude and you deserve better,” I admit.“It’s in the past and you are talking to me now,” Eric soothes me.“Thank you,” I tell him honestly.“Definitely bigger groups for camping,” Eric blurts out and I laugh.“Yes, it would be smart to have at least four of them together. We can still rate them in twos, but when it comes to spending the night out here we need larger numbers. Anything could happen out here.”“Sodom and Gomorrah,” Eric teases.“I was thinking more along the lines of Peter and Edward,” I admit and Eric goes quiet.“I am sorry about Peter.” Eric finally says.“No matter what you could have done, he would have found a way to manipulate initiation and make it more favorable for himself,” I admit.“Yes, but I did not kick him out of the faction,” Eric replies.“You did not have enough evidence to do so,” I acknowledge.“Tris, he could have killed you,” Eric seethes.“But he was unsuccessful. Four saved me and the rest is history.”“What if he had succeeded,” Eric asks with an edge to his voice.“Then you most likely would have a different colleague,” I state.“Fuck that shit,” Eric exclaims, sits up and faces me full on. “Do you honestly believe Peter would have been allowed to become a leader?”I look at him in surprise. “If he ranked first he would have chosen leadership.”“I think you got something fundamentally wrong, Tris. Leadership is not an option for everyone. Just because you rank first doesn’t mean you are automatically offered a job within leadership. I ranked second and yet I did not get a chance simply because Four declined. I had the option to become a leader in training and wait for a position to become available. By now both of us would have been full fledged leaders.”It is my turn to look dumbfounded.“But why did everyone think differently,” I ask.“Because officially people think it is all about ranking, but that is not completely true. We have to make sure the right people are in the right positions or the faction will fail. Just because you rank first does not mean you are qualified for a higher position,” Eric reminds me. “Peter was always destined to become a fence guard. We might have allowed him to become an entertainment fighter, but we were certain the best way to keep Peter would be by keeping him at the fence for most of the time.”Wow, I did not see this one coming.“So if he ranked first he would have still become a fence guard,” I double check.“You bet,’ Eric replies with conviction.“Thank god,” I exclaim.“Amen,” Eric replies and winks at me when I snort.“Didn’t take your for the religious type,” I start.“Growing up Erudite nobody is, but I do think there is more to life. Good fortune, destiny... something deciding who deserves some perks. Life is full of ups and downs, Tris. It is nice to believe that someone has a plan for us to make it all worthwhile. We face trials in life to make us better, not to push us down. We put effort into things and we will come out stronger most of the time. Sometimes life throws us a curve ball, what we do with it is up to us. I am working on making positive changes to my life,” Eric admits and I feel bad for throwing all his past hook ups at him when he talked about wanting to see if we can have more, if there could be an us. “Come on, Tris. We should try to sleep. It’s pitch black outside and must be rather late.”Eric tries to get comfortable on his makeshift bed and so do I on mine.“This is bad,” I complain.“Tell me about it. I was spoiled by the mattress in the dorms,” Eric admits.“My real bed is so much nicer than the dorms,” I tease.“But you are not home. You are right here, beside me, trying to sleep on solid ground.”With the setting sun the heat left us and now the tent is finally cooling down. I realise I am still only clad in my shorts and top, Eric in his gym shorts.“I am going to crawl inside the sleeping bag,” I tell Eric.“I did not expect it to be that cold,” he admits and shivers.“Just crawl inside your own sleeping bag,” I advice and he does follow suit without another word.“They are thin,” he complains.“I figured that out myself,” I groan.“Are those you teeth or is someone going around the tent with some sticks rattling,” Eric asks and I feel like slapping him. I do and he catches my hand.“Shit, Tris, you really are cold. Get out of your sleeping bag,” Eric demands.“No!”“Tris, I want to help you stay warm. Will you please leave your sleeping bag for a minute?”“Fine,” I sigh and crawl out the top.Eric gets to work on my zipper and then does something to his own sleeping bag.Is he? No! “Get back in,” Eric tells me and I shake my head. “Get back inside the sleeping bag, Tris. Your teeth won’t stop their rattling until you do,” Eric reminds me and I reluctantly climb back inside.Eric pulls me into his arms and I can feel that his body is a bit warmer than mine, but not by much.“Why did you have to combine the two sleeping bags and why do you think we should sleep like this,” I start to argue.“Because we are both not dressed for a freezing cold night out in the open on Amity soil. We will share body heat and the sleeping bag will contain it while the tent will protect us from most of the elements.”“Don’t get any ideas. This is solely for not freezing to death. We still talk next week and until then we stay chaste,” I demand and Eric kisses my forehead.“I promise I will not initiate anything, but if you start it I will finish it,” he threatens and I chuckle.“Don’t hold your breath,” I advise.“I wouldn’t dare to, but based on previous experience I think it is safe to say that you like to be close to me while we sleep.”“Asshole,” I whisper shout.“Not into that,” Eric replies and I suddenly choke on my own spit.Eric pats me heartily on the back, pushing me into him with each slap to my back.“Really,” I wheeze out.“Really,” he solemnly swears and I almost start anew.“Come on, Tris, close your eyes and dream about my hot body,” Eric teases and I push my hand up his chest before I pinch his nipple.“Fuck,’ he shouts rather loudly.“We talked about it and it is not going to happen,” I tell him honestly.“Just shut up and hug me. I am cold,” Eric demands and I do as requested because I am freezing cold myself and he feels rather warm compared to my own skin.Eric puts both arms around me and pulls me closer to his armpit.“I don’t want to smell that,” I whine without intending to.Eric turns me so my nose faces the other way. I have to admit that it feels warmer being so fully embraced by him. Now what to do with my feet?I gently pull my knees up and push my frozen toes in between Eric’s thighs.He hisses but doesn’t move me away.“Goodnight, Tris!”The warmth is forthcoming now and I am getting drowsy. The last thing I remember before falling asleep is the way I feel safe and taken care of by Eric’s body so close to mine. With Eric’s smell in my nose I finally close my eyes and let sleep take over.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Tris POV
It’s a beautiful day and we are walking over a sunny meadow, hand in hand.“Come on, Tris, the surprise will be spoiled if you don’t hurry up,” Eric encourages me. Well, he tries to, bless his heart, but he still has a long way to go.“I am walking as fast as I can but we have been going for a while and I expected something a little different from this outing,” I fake pout.Eric stops to pull me in for a toe-curling kiss.“I love you, Tris. Come on... almost there,” he tells me and pulls me just a few steps further until I see a blanket with a backpack on top.“Okay,” I groan. “I am here, we have reached our destination.”“You used to be more demanding of romance,” Eric chides.“That was before I really got to know you,” I admit. “I don’t need it anymore. All I need is you to be around me. I feel loved and cherished by the way you look at me,” I state.“Come on.” Eric pulls me down with him and opens the bag, pulling an assortment of dishes out. He got all my favorites and I am starting to salivate. That hike made me hungry and I am looking forward to sharing my news with him.Eric plates up a little bit of every dish for me and tops it up with a slice of chocolate cake on a side plate.“Oh, this is good,” I moan when I dig in. “What did I do to deserve this,” I query and he shrugs.“Being with me; giving me a chance; loving me... take your pick,” Eric lists off.“I love you!” I bend forward to kiss him. “I would give you a chance anytime knowing what I know now.” I kiss him again. “I love you!” Eric kisses me and we have trouble stopping ourselves from going further.“Let’s eat,” Eric reminds me and hands me my plate once more. It doesn’t take long before my plate is empty and I decline a refill in favor of the decadent chocolate cake staring at me.“Shit,” I groan when I bite onto something hard. I grab a napkin and spit the chunk into it, staring down to see what I almost broke my tooth on.“What in god’s name is that,” I ask, staring at the green plastic ring. “Eric, since when do they bake green rings into Dauntless cake,’ I question, still staring at the offending item in my hand.Eric doesn’t answer and I finally look up to see what is the matter with him.I gasp as soon as I see him kneeling in front of me, holding out a real ring.“Yes,” comes out of my mouth unasked.“I didn’t ask yet,” Eric teases.“Semantics,” I retort.“Tris, love of my life. My partner, my equal in every way, my soulmate. Will you do me the honor of accepting this ring as a token of my commitment to you? Will you marry me,” he finally asks,“Yes.” I grin at him widely.“Good,” he nods and puts the ring on my finger.“Thank you.”“No, Tris, thank you for becoming my everything.”“And I am thanking you for not running the other way when you got to know me,” I reiterate.“All good things will come to those who wait.”“Really,” I tease. “Hmmm...” I tip my finger on my lips like I was thinking very hard about something. “Maybe we should slow down and wait until the wedding night before we have sex again,” I suggest and see his eyes widen.“If you really feel this way I would like one last chance to change your mind.”Eric doesn’t give me the chance to respond, he attacks my lips and I respond in kind.My hands find purchase in his hair and his grab a hold of my ass, moving up and under my shirt. His hands are surprisingly cold but it doesn’t really matter. I know we will be roasting and sweating in a few minutes.I push him back and straddle his stomach, making my mouth more or less even with his. The kiss feels like it is lasting forever but I know what will come next. The big reward for being a good girl most of my life. My reward for taking a chance on this grumpy, unhappy man I met when I transferred to Dauntless. Look who is happy now!I leave Eric’s lips and run them down his throat, over the leadership marks before I trace them with my tongue. I can feel his scars and lavish them with kisses. For me, they are part of the reason we are together. They got him to show me that he can be kind.I move a little further down to his collarbone and by now my ass is seated firmly on his groin. I can feel his excitement poking me and I am getting soaked rubbing myself against him.“Tris,” he moans and leans forward to kiss me, holding onto one shoulder to keep me firmly seated where I am.Oh yes, I am more than willing to play along.I sit up a little further and rotate my pelvis over his. His erection lines up with the seam of my pants and even though the layers we have on he is able to stimulate my clit.I pull my shirt over my head and then help Eric do the same. He kindly takes my bra off and then I move down to rub myself all over him. I want to smell like him, I want to make sure everyone passing me knows immediately who I belong to.I have read a lot of steamy fantasy romance novels, compliments of Christina and Marlene, and I can admit that I know why some of those beings scent their mates. It is part claiming and part showing off who you belong to. I wish I could to the same, but instead I lick my way around his body, moving further and further down until I reach the buttons on his jeans.Without hesitation I open them and push the fabric aside. Eric’s dick springs up and I take a moment to admire it. Every single time I am amazed by how silky soft the skin is. Why, I don’t care, but still... maybe someone knew that women were mesmerized by it and gave men the gift of women wanting to touch their erections.And yes, I mean erections as the feeling of a silky, yet rock hard penis is so much better than a soft one.Eric is more than ready for what I have in mind and voices his appreciation loudly when I lower my lips and engulf his flesh.“Yes, just like that. God, I love your hot mouth on me. Keep going, Tris. Yeah, just like that. Yessss… suck the tip.”Eric keeps this up the whole time I suck and lick. “Tris” is the only warning I get and I quickly move my head aside, using my hands to get him off. “My turn,” he mumbles after a minute of silence.He sits up and rolls me over so I am lying down on the blanket.My boots are gone in no time and my pants follow almost immediately.Eric takes his sweet time taking my panties off, celebrating the fact I am actually wearing a silky thong.“I have to admit I am pleasantly surprised,” he murmurs into my ear and then runs his nose down my cheek and neck, stopping on my collarbone for some gentle skin sucking before moving on to my breasts.There is nothing gentle when he sucks on my tits and I can feel my arousal increase and moisture pool at the apex of my thighs.There is not enough fabric to capture all of the liquid and I keep rubbing my thighs together to eliminate some of the tension.Eric grabs a hold of my thighs and pushes his hand right in between. He moans around my nipple when he feels how sopping wet I am.“God I love how responsive you are,” he groans.His thick fingers push the fabric aside and he slowly inserts first one and then a second finger while his thumb rubs my clit. He never ceases sucking on my nipple and it doesn’t take long before I come. Eric quickly chucks his pants and boxers, and enters me while I am still experiencing aftershocks. He knows how to keep my engine running and my body never gets a chance to cool down and relax before he coaxes moans and groans out of me.His hand finds my clit and his mouth my lips, his chest rubs over my nipples and all those stimulations together make me orgasm again within minutes, taking him with me over that not so elusive anymore edge.Afterwards we lay panting and sweating on the blanket. Eric knows I need a moment before he is allowed to hug me to him. Finally I feel the cold air having an effect on my body and I roll onto Eric, covering most of his body with mine.His arms come up and he is pulling me into him, seeking my lips once more.Something feels off though, it feels like there suddenly is fabric between us again. I can feel my shorts pulling tightly on my skin and pinching me around my ass when I rub myself on Eric.His erection is back and I look up at him in surprise. His eyes are closed and he looks just peaceful despite the bliss we just experienced.I can feel my soaked panties and once more wonder why I am suddenly wearing them again.I do get sidetracked when Eric’s hands grab my indeed cloth covered ass and moves me all over his dick. We are both moaning and I feel like I am going to explode any second. Ever so helpful I spread my legs wider and push my knees down on each side of him.The angle changes and it feels even better than before.“Oh yes,” I moan and do my best to keep up with the rhythm of his hands.I can feel tingles and there is a heat pooling down below that increases until it is all consuming.I push my hands onto his shoulders and my torso up while my pelvis moves down and my clit rubs him just right. I moan loudly when the orgasm hits me. Eric grunts and I can feel him twitch, moisture from both of us saturating our clothing.Eric’s eyes never open and his lips never seeks mine, yet his hands remain on my ass.With the waning euphoria clarity starts to set in and I realise that a sexual dream about Eric turned into me humping my still sleeping training partner until we orgasmed.“Fuck,” I curse quietly and Eric grunts.Oh god, what am I going to do. I just told him I am not going to jump into bed with him and now this?!Shit, shit, SHIT…I slowly detangle myself from his hands which are still holding me down and carefully creep out of the tent.The cold morning air helps me clear my head and I am wondering what I should say to him when he gets up. He will notice the state of his pants and then what?I decide to change my clothes while I am still alone and the cold air will give me the perfect excuse to do so.In the end I simply promise myself that I will tell him what happened if he asks. If he doesn’t mention it then I will not do so either.I start a fresh fire and put the pot up to boil water for our breakfast. I am just walking back with our food box when I see Eric leave the tent. I am still too far away to do more than wave when he looks my way, but to my relieve he takes his clothes from the line and retreats back into the tent to get changed.It doesn’t take long before he is back out, dressed in yesterday’s clothes, just like I am.We quietly prepare our breakfast and then we take the camp apart, storing everything as best as we can.We are unable to take everything with us onto the train so Eric stacks all that stays neatly in the middle of the clearing for whoever comes to collect it.We track back to the train tracks and then towards where the train departs from Amity. It is a good distance and we both are stuck in our own heads, no unnecessary words spoken.The train ride back we talk a little bit about taking care of the faction, but Eric never mentions our morning activities or how good we could be together.Maybe he really just needed to get laid and is feeling better already? With nothing else drawing him to me he doesn’t make any renewed effort to flirt, and I can feel the sadness creeping in.We jump off at the maintenance yard where Hana is waiting for everyone, collecting equipment.“You have the rest of the day to yourselves. Eat, sleep, do whatever the hell you feel like doing. Harrison, Bud, Tori and I got the faction covered.”“Thanks Hana.” I hug her and then trot after Eric, who did not take the time to thank her but marched straight towards the apartments.“I will see you tomorrow,” I shout after him, and he looks he me strangely before waving and entering his apartment. Tobias is not here, but from the look of it he was and I start a load of laundry with our used clothes from the past couple of days.Finally sitting down in my fluffy bathrobe, I open the laptop and decide to be brazen and get candid with my writing buddy.There are so many things on my mind, but what happened this morning with Eric and what it means is at the forefront. …
Friday, July 28, 2214
4:53 PM
To: Volunteer two at Amity
From: Volunteer one at Amity
Subject: Miracles do happen
I know it goes against everything we agreed on regarding anonymity, but you won’t believe it if I don’t tell a more detailed story.
I was out on a work assignment and had to share accommodation with the other person I mentioned, the one I work with.
Well, we needed to sleep close to each other and ended up in a quite compromising position. Long story short: my Vaginismus let me get close enough to this man while asleep to experience my very first orgasm when I woke up. He was still sleeping, thank god, but must have dreamed something related for he was all in and I am pretty certain he came. Nothing was mentioned and I made sure I acted normal.
I know this sounds rather bad, but to be honest, I wasn’t sure I was really awake until it was all over.
There is hope out there for us and I am more than willing to try and pursue my happiness more vigorously from now on.
Let me know your thoughts...
One
…
I read it through again and again, not happy with how the words sound but unable to do any better.Finally, I hit send and decide to relax in a hot bath with another steamy romance novel I borrowed from Marlene.… I just sat down in the steaming water when there is incessant banging on my door.I am tempted to ignore it and hope whoever wants to talk to me can just move on to one of the other leaders.I silently count to ten, but the banging doesn’t stop, so I reluctantly dry myself with haste and throw on my bathrobe. “I am coming, hold your horses,” I shout to whoever is outside my door while I walk closer, making sure my bathrobe is tied nicely,The banging stops just as I throw the door open.To my utter surprise what I see it is a wild-eyed Eric and not a random member who came calling.“What...” is all I am getting out before Eric steps up to me and presses his lips to mine with so much force that I take involuntary steps backwards. He follows and somehow my door closes after him.Eric’s arms move around me, one hand finding a strong hold in my hair and the other anchors itself to my back, pushing me oh so much closer into him.Don’t get me wrong, you won’t hear a complaint for me, but the suddenness of his behaviour still leaves me baffled.What the fuck just happened?!I stare at Eric wide eyed while I return his kisses just as enthusiastically as all the times before and see him glance past me for a second. Then Eric starts walking and he uses his body to manoeuver mine through the living room and into my bedroom.Eric turns us when I feel the mattress push against my legs, and we end up with him lying down on my bed and me draped on top of his muscular body.I don’t know what brought this on, but I am sure as hell not stopping to ask questions when the man who can make my body do things nobody else manages to elicit lies beneath me, letting me do whatever I want to him.I spread my legs and straddle his thighs, moulding my shape to his.It seems like we have been going at this forever when I sense a change.We never break the kiss but I can hear Eric mumble something against my lips.“What,” I ask, and Eric leaves my lips for a few seconds to utter the words that will forever define the way I will look at him.“If you are my number one, I don’t care about being number two for the rest of my life,” he repeats, and my head jerks up so hard, I knock my chin against his nose.I can hear it break just as I helplessly watch the blood start to rush out of his nostrils.“Shit,” I scream loudly. “Oh, my god, Eric... I am so sorry,” I ramble on while throwing myself to the side of the bed and grab a handful of tissues from the box.I quickly turn around and push them under Eric’s nose before I help him sit up.Scrambling off the bed, I grab a towel from the bathroom and bring it to him.“Come on, let’s get you to the infirmary,” I command, and Eric looks at me slightly dazed.I gently try to pull him off the bed, but he is too heavy for me.“A little help here,” I demand, and Eric follows through as if in trance.I take his free hand and lead him towards the door, slipping on my boots without tying them. The leadership hallway is empty and so is the elevator but we get some odd looks on the busy corridors leading to the infirmary.I am in luck and Marlene is just walking by the entrance when we arrive. She takes one look at us before stating room five is free.Eric barely sat down on the bed when Marlene and Ian, one of our very own Dauntless doctors, walk in.“Let me see your nose, Eric.” Ian doesn’t mince words and gets straight to the point.Eric lowers the towel and I cringe when I see his bloody face.Marlene comes with some gauze to clean up the now dried blood and hands Ian some more absorbent pads to take care of the small trail of fresh blood still coming out.“Deep breath,” Ian demands seconds before he puts his fingers down and straightens the break.Eric curses loudly and continues to do so when Ian is done.Marlene has been busy on the other side of the room and comes back with some plaster.“Take that shit away,” Eric growls at her.“Eric,” I admonish, and for the first time they all seem to realise I am in the room with them.“I am not walking around the faction with that on my face,” Eric states and looks at me defiantly.“So you rather live with the permanent evidence that I broke your nose than let the faction see that their leader is taking care of his injuries,” I ask. “Or do you plan on making me feel guilty every time I look at you,” I challenge.Eric gives me his own brand of a ‘what the fuck?!’ look, but it doesn’t deter me. I know way too much about him by now to fall for his public persona.I raise my eyebrow and stare at him purposefully.Eric doesn’t look away, but when he finally speaks it is towards Ian.“Put it on but make it quick. Tris and I have unfinished business to attend to.”I swallow hard and try my best to not let my face show any emotions even if I want to smile.Ian gets busy and I stare at his back until I feel a nudge.Startled, I look up to see Marlene holding out a stack of black scrubs to me.“What,” I ask dumbfounded.“You are only wearing your bathrobe and it’s covered in blood, Tris. Maybe you want to change real quick?” Marlene nods towards a screened off area in a corner.I look down at myself and see that it is rather obvious I am wearing a bathrobe and nothing else. Great, just how much did I show every member passing me? No wonder they kept staring...Without a word I take the scrubs and head off to change quickly.When I emerge, I see Eric sporting a cast over his nose, secured by an extended piece of plaster going up to his forehead, some medical tape holding it all in place.Marlene holds another set of scrubs in her hand as Ian tries to take his bloody shirt off for him.Of course, Eric is not happy with the idea, so I step beside Ian and take over.Eric doesn’t utter any further complaints when I remove his bloody shirt and drop it into the open bag holding my own bathrobe.Marlene hands me the scrubs and I gently pull them over Eric’s head, making sure I don’t touch his cast.Once more Marlene and Ian don’t comment on my involvement, and before I know it I have Eric’s painkillers and care instructions in my hand.“Come on, let’s get you home,” I state and take his hand in mine.I can see Eric’s shoulders relax and he willingly follows me through the corridors back to our apartments.I lead Eric back to mine and sit him on the couch while I clean up the bloody bed and let the water out of the bathtub.“Sorry you missed your bath,” Eric mumbles, woozy with painkillers and sounding rather strange due to his blocked nose.“It’s okay. Today was quite a revelation,” I admit.Eric doesn’t reply, but when I walk over to sit next to him, he lifts one arm and I cuddle into his large frame.His body is warm and comfortable despite his heavy muscles and I can feel myself dozing off.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
CynDLou, don’t fret, reviews sure do get me going and I appreciate every single one.Libra, don’t go back to the beginning, this chapter has all your answers, and Anavallia, you are going to love this one! (Sorry, I didn’t want to give myself away in yesterday’s email)
Tris POV
I am awoken sometime later by Tobias returning home.Someone must have told him about seeing us at the infirmary because he doesn’t act surprised to see us both resting on the couch, wearing only scrubs and Eric sporting his obvious cast.He just smirks at me and heads into his room to change.I look up to see what Eric thinks about all this but find him still asleep.I cuddle further into him and he sighs in contentment while pulling me closer.Tobias returns and quietly takes a seat on the coffee table so we can chat without having to raise our voices.“So, Eric...,” he trails off.“Seems like it,” I admit.“As long as you are happy, I promise I will try to get along with him,” Tobias promises.“And that’s why I love you,” I tease.“I love you too and if he hurts you, I will kill him,” Tobias swears solemnly.“That won’t be necessary,” a voice from beside me interrupts.“Sorry, I did not mean to wake you,” I whisper.“It’s okay. I heard the door but didn’t want to wake up from that fantastic dream,” Eric admits, and I swallow hard.“I bet it was better than the reality where I broke your nose,” I offer.“No, Tris.” Eric opens his eyes and stares at me. “I want the real you, not something I dream up.”At this point Tobias clears his throat loudly.“I will be in the kitchen preparing dinner,” he states and quickly heads over to the kitchen, closing the door firmly behind himself. I look back at Eric and shrug my shoulders.“You dream about me,” I ask tentatively.“More than I care to admit,” Eric states.“If it makes you feel better, I have had reoccurring dreams about you and I having a family,” I admit and Eric closes his eyes again, this time I can see some pain in them.“I don’t know if that is in our future, but I promise you that if you’ll have me, I will do anything in my power to give it a try... or agree to the necessary medical procedures.”I lean up and gently kiss him.“I think I would like that, having you, I mean.” I take a deep breath and then look him straight in the eye. “I still don’t know your issues and I don’t care. If we can’t have biological children, I am happy with having a partner I can trust and who fully understands that there are things that don’t come easy,” I admit and receive a gentle kiss on the lips.“I am not sterile, Tris,” Eric admits.“Okay,” I breathe. I am praying to anyone who is listening that my face is as neutral as can be.“I have erectile dysfunction,” Eric admits, and I can feel my mouth go slack.“Uh, what,” I ask, feeling more than confused. “But ... but I felt you having erections more than once... like back when we had the flu outbreak,” I stutter, and Eric’s eyes go wide.“What?!” It is Eric’s turn to sound like I am talking bullshit.“Do you remember when we shared a blanket in your office and I woke up before you, heading over into my own office and leaving you alone,” I ask.“Yes.”“Well, when I woke up my hands were trapped behind you and when I managed to free myself, well, I touched your erection through your pants,” I admit. “And when you were sick with the flu, while we stayed at your apartment? I slipped into your bed when I was cold and Four was stuck with the guys in maintenance. I woke up the next morning thinking I forgot to take my flashlight out of my pants... turns out you had another erection that I accidentally tried to grab in my attempt to remove the flashlight.” I pause and then remember what happened this morning. “Eric, you must at least remember what happened this morning or you would not have come knocking on my door the way you did,” I almost shout.“I do, but I thought that was something special. I did not know I had erections with you while I was asleep. Fuck, Tris, don’t you think I would have pursued you harder had I known? I knew you got me stirring but not that you got me stiff all this time...” Eric trails off and looks at me, clearly at a loss for what else to say.So I do what seems the most logical and that is to softly kiss him, which he returns in kind. We are both mindful of his injury and I am missing those heated kisses we shared before.“So, vaginismus,” he finally speaks up again.“Uh huh,” I voice.“Am I the exception to your symptoms?” Eric sounds rather cocky and I hate to rain on his parade but he got that a bit wrong.“No, vaginismus can be cured with a lot of patience and conditioning. Being with you just makes it easier to not focus on what is happening and just going with what feels natural. Being with you made me successful where my own experiments failed me so far,” I explain, hoping my words make sense for Eric.“So we are made for each other,” Eric states with conviction and I feel myself gaze at him.“Isn’t that a bit too ... scary,” I ask. “The prospect of just clicking with only one person...” I trail off when I realise how ridiculous I sound. Love at first sight is not just something for books. “Please forget I just said that.” I look at Eric imploringly. “I like the idea of having someone basically made for me.”Eric doesn’t reply with words but with soft kisses that get more heated until he bumps his nose and groans in pain.“Let’s take it easy,” I suggest with a smirk and he growls. “Stop that,” I admonish. “If you want to be more than co-workers then we have to really work on how we communicate with each other.”Eric just nods as Tobias open the kitchen door, poking his head out to check on us.“Oh, good, you are both able to pay attention,” he starts. “Dinner is ready if you want to eat,” he declares and leaves the kitchen door open. I stand up and offer my hand to Eric. He takes it but doesn’t use it to get up. No, he just holds it while we make our way to the kitchen.“This is all so weird,” I comment when he holds the door open for me.“If you want to, I can go back to being an asshole,” Eric replies drily.“Don’t you dare. You can save that for when we get the new initiates or the drunken and unruly members.” Tobias cooked a pasta dish and has already plated the food by the time we sit down. He eyes us with a lot of curiosity, and I am waiting for him to speak up.“I take it the scavenger hunt went well,” he teases.“It seems I found something that wasn’t on anybody’s list.”“What, I am just something you cross off your list,” Eric teases and I grin at him.“Only time will tell...”“That was harsh, Tris,” Tobias speaks up and both Eric and I look at him in surprise. “What? He kind of grew on me the more we had to work together, and it was rather obvious you two do have a connection. I had enough time to come to terms with the fact that if I wanted to keep you in my life, I would have to learn how to get along with Eric,” Tobias explains.“Excuse me,” I exclaim, and Eric nods his head as if to say ‘what she says’.“It was not obvious I like Tris,” Eric states with conviction, and it is my turn to nod vehemently.“Sorry to disappoint you, but they were betting on you two. We had a little bit of infighting as to whether it was cheating on the results to put the two of you together for the scavenger hunt.”Okay, I did not see that one coming.“So, you are claiming that both of us were obvious in our mutual attraction and the only ones left clueless were Tris and I,” Eric tries to clarify.“Well,” Tobias draws out his answer by taking a big bite of pasta and chewing leisurely. “Eric is not nice to anyone, that was our first clue. Then you, Tris, started going easy on Eric. I am not sure who else you confided in but what you told me clearly hinted at you thinking of Eric in more ways than just as a co-worker and that got me involved with the betting. The others might have taken that as a sign that there really is something there.”“Then why did you have to join the betting pool? It basically confirmed everything they said, you said so yourself.” I feel as exasperated as I sound, and Tobias and Eric both notice.Eric’s hand finds mine, not caring that he is holding it on the tabletop.“Tris, do you have any idea how many crazy theories were out there? It was getting ridiculous, and the amount of points and ‘I owe you’s’ on the line...”That gets my attention and I cut in.“People put up ‘I owe you’s’ instead of points,” I ask, hopifing for clarification and Tobias nods.“Did you win,” I follow up and he shrugs his shoulders.“That depends,” he carefully answers.“On what,” I demand to know.“Are you two a couple or just fucking,” he asks.I cringe and so does Eric.“You know me,” I growl and Tobias nods.“There are still people out there who do not know the truth, Tris,” he soothes my ruffled feathers.“As it should be.” I know I am sounding a bit unreasonable, but he is the one person I always confided in and who knows more about my medical history and struggles than almost anybody else in this city.“Tris, I could not really bet on you not fucking Eric because you had some issues, so I simply bet on you two starting to date and I bet it was going to be a serious relationship. There, uh, might be follow up conditions to be able to claim the whole pot, but so far I won some points and ‘I owe you’s’.”“Marriage and children,” Eric guesses and Tobias nods.“Well, we will see when you win the rest,” Eric simply states and Tobias gapes at him. “What? I am serious about Tris. She is the one for me, but it is not entirely up to me how the future will unfold.” He looks at me pointedly. “From what I can confirm is that if I get what I want, you owe us a few favours for your winnings.”And with that Eric digs in and leaves us to argue about whether or not our close friendship disqualified him from those bets and if he should have abstained on his own accord. It seems Eric has had enough because he ends up pushing a mouthful of cold pasta into my mouth when I am about to go at Tobias again.“Leave it be,” he advises and hands the fork to me while he goes for a second helping.Tobias nods and continues to eat his equally cold dinner.So with that we have come to an unspoken truce. … When dinner is over and the kitchen cleaned, we all head into the living room. It is not as awkward as I thought it would be and we spend the rest of the evening discussing the initiation trial and what we want to bring in front of Max for revision. When the clock turns nine Tobias excuses himself and wishes us a good night.This brings me to my first real dilemma, what will we do now?Eric solves it for me and leans down to kiss me gently on the lips.“May I take you to breakfast before work,” he asks me almost shyly and I smile at him when I give my reply.“I would love that. What time,” I ask.“How does seven sound?”“Like we would not have much time for anything,” I reply with a frown.“Why don’t you come over at half past six and I will cook breakfast for the three of us. We can have a little bit of quiet time when Tobias leaves for work and before we have to head to the office ourselves,” I suggest and Eric kiss me in response.“Good night, Tris,” he whispers and leaves me alone with my thoughts. It feels as if I go through my nightly routine on autopilot and by the time I wake up to my alarm blaring at six am I feel like I have dreamed it all.Nevertheless, I get ready for my day in the office and I have just started a fresh pot of coffee when there is a quiet knock on the door.I am reluctant to open it but chide myself for acting more than silly while I walk over to check who it is.I could cry with relief when I see Eric, banged up nose and all, on the other side of the door and, judging by the look on his face, he was plagued by similar doubts.“Come in,” I offer and step aside, leaving enough space that Eric can walk in before hastily closing the door.I am just wringing my hands and looking down at the ground when I feel strong hands on my shoulders, and I look up in surprise. Eric’s eyes hold mine and his lips slowly move towards me, giving me ample time to dodge or decline his advances.I do no such thing and when his lips meet mine, I push my arms up and twine my fingers into his collar and hair.We are lost to the kiss and only Tobias clearing his throat brings me back to the here and now.“Well, that is still something I have to get used to seeing,” he quips and continues into the kitchen.“I am glad this is real,” I state and take Eric’s hand, dragging him into the kitchen with me.He squeezes my hand in reply and I know we are on the same page once more.Tobias and Eric chat rather amicable while I go all out and showcase my improved kitchen skills. Veronica’s pregnancy cravings sure pay off now and both men moan in delight when I serve them eggs, waffles and chocolate muffins that I defrosted overnight.“I’ve got to go but I will catch you for lunch,” Tobias asks before kissing my head and waves towards Eric.“Is he going to be less handsy from now on,” Eric asks me with a slight scowl on his face.“I don’t think he needs to, do you,” I return the question.“It feels weird knowing I am not the only one kissing you,” Eric admits, and I am not sure what to say.I swallow hard and put my fork down. Eric’s eyes never leave me, and it is obvious he knows the next bit is important to both of us and our budding relationship.“Tobias and I are close,” I start, and Eric nods in acknowledgment. “We have a special relationship that is not sexual in the way the others thought is was, but we are so close that we show each other affection by not being afraid of body contact. I will not peck him on the lips if that bothers you, but I will never cut him out of my life,” I state with conviction.“I am a possessive man, Tris,” Eric declares and there is no remorse either in his words or voice. “I know now that you can be mine, but I have to admit if feels weird seeing him kiss you, hug you and just give everyone the image of you being a couple. I am not sure how I will react to seeing that. Not kissing him on the lips would be an improvement,” he adds.I lean over and peck him on the lips chastely, like I would do with Tobias.“Did that feel erotic to you,” I ask.Eric shakes his head no. “Intimate,” he replies, and I swallow hard.“There is not much Tobias doesn’t know about me or that I know about him. We never had to have secrets and have seen the other at their worst. I can’t breach his confidence and trust, but I think you two should sit together and talk about things.” I raise my hand to stop Eric from interrupting before I am finished. “You will feel better when the air is cleared, and it will be good for both of you as I don’t want to cut either out of my life.”“I will talk to him and tell him how I feel, but I don’t think there is much he can say that will make me feel better,” Eric admits, but I am glad for the concession he made.“Thank you, that is all I am asking for. Soooo,” I trail off.“Want to make out,” he blurts out and it breaks the last bit of awkwardness we had in between us.“Maybe in our lunch break,” I suggest with a wink.“Tease,” he challenges, but I simply shrug my shoulders, not giving anything away.“Can I call you my girlfriend,” Eric demands to know.“Please,” I reply and lean in for another kiss. It was supposed to be short and sweet but turns out to be neither. My tablet beeps, reminding me of my upcoming meeting with Max, and I reluctantly get off Eric’s lap.“Well, you really seem to be the distraction I need to get over my fears,” I state as I watch in fascination as Eric gently rubs over his slight bulge.I bite my lip and look on in fascination.“Can I ... touch,” I ask.“It’s rather soft,” Eric quietly explains, but I don’t care.“It doesn’t matter. I have accidentally touched it a few times, but never on purpose.”“Maybe now is not the best time to do this, Tris. We have to go to work,” Eric reminds me.“It won’t take long, I just want to feel it,” I explain and move my hand closer and closer. Eric’s own hands fall to the side and he grants me all the access I want.I gently place my hand over his crotch and feel the soft bulge. Without asking for further permission I bend forward and place both hands on each side of his zipper.I can hear Eric take a deep breath. “Tris,” he moans lowly.“Yes?” I look up at him and see his hooded eyes.“Maybe we can be a bit late for work,” he whispers, and I swallow hard, realising what he means.I look back down and move my fingers slowly towards the button holding his jeans closed. I have wanted to do that since the first time I noticed Eric, really noticed him.The button slips through the hole with ease and I lower the zipper until I can see a good bit of Eric’s underwear.I gently push the fabric aside and touch the bulge once more. It is still soft, but obviously engorged.“We should go to work,” Eric groans, but I shake my head. “Not yet, just give me another minute, please,” I beg.“Tris,” Eric starts but I interrupt him.“Relax,” I command.“I can’t relax if I know I will be late for a meeting with Max,” Eric growls in annoyance. “Tris, I really like you, but I don’t think I can relax enough to give you what you want...”Eric stops when I bravely push my hand into his underwear and touch his bare skin.“So soft,” I compliment and feel the flesh twitch in response.“I want to explore more later,” I exclaim and retreat from my current position. “Thank you,” I state more softly and kiss Eric gently on the lips.“Hmm,” Eric moans but gets up and closes his pants.I pout and he chuckles.“Tris, we have all the time in the world. We need to take it slow,” he reminds me.My pout doesn’t diminish. “I feel like we have been dancing around each other for months and that includes taking it slow,” I whine.“Are you ready for sex,” Eric asks bluntly.“No,” I admit. “You,” I query.“I don’t know,” he replies honestly.“We will find out,” I state with finality and we finally head out the door and towards the office. … We are holding hands and we are not hiding from the faction. Ron is the first to see us and his eyes basically bug out. We ignore him and head straight for Max’s office.Eric knocks and we both enter.Max is behind his desk, looking extremely tired. He perks up a bit when he sees our joint hands. “This is interesting,” he comments nonchalantly, but you can hear the glee.“So you placed the right bet,” I quip and he swallows hard before meeting my eyes.“Babies are expensive,” he reminds us.“And you have two leader salaries at your disposal,” I remind him.“Doesn’t mean Veronica is not spending the points left and right to make everything perfect,” Max bemoans, but quickly shuts up and eyes the still open door as if he expects my aunt to start screaming at him any second now.“I am happy if you are happy,” he tells me. “Eric, you hurt her and I will have a hard time stopping Veronica from making you factionless.”“I have no intention of ever hurting Tris.” Eric sounds really calm and sure of himself. “For me she is the culmination of all my hopes and dreams,” he admits, and I smile at him brightly. He returns my smile and kisses the back of the hand he is still holding.“That’s good but don’t let it show too much in front of the faction or they will dance on your noses for the rest of your lives.”Point taken.After that we spend a productive morning going through everything that we found valuable from our initiation trial. When we are finally dismissed it is past lunchtime and Ron lets us know that Tobias stopped by to pick us up for lunch and returned to drop off some food some time later. Without further comment Ron hands the sandwiches and bottled water over and we head into my office, locking the door and leaving the overhead lights off.Eric sighs and stretches while I dish up our lunch.He takes his spot right beside me and then puts his arm around me, holding me close while we eat.We are quiet but it is rather pleasant after the morning full of discussions and negotiations.There are a few minutes to spare when we are done and, from the way Eric’s posture changes, I can only assume it might not be pleasant what comes next.“I am not going to ask you for details yet but I want to share some of my history and how my issues started with you,” he begins, and I sit up in anticipation.Eric takes a deep breath and then sighs in frustration.“You don’t have to tell me now,” I say calmly.“No, it’s not that. It is just that I never had to put it into words before and I am frustrated with myself for not finding the right ones to start with. With Birch half was already in my file and he is really good in getting little pieces here and there without you having to tell the whole sordid tale at once.”“Just tell me what’s on your mind, a timeline doesn’t matter,” I encourage.“I grew up In Erudite, as you know. My parents are researchers, but medically trained…” he trails off, wetting his lips. “Since I can remember they have been talking about my penis size. With every bath, every check-up, it was always a topic that was openly discussed at the dinner table. They did not hold back in front of me. Erudite are all about facts and in a way that was more suited for a Candor than an Erudite they never ever let me forget that they deemed my appendage immensely underdeveloped and more than on the small side. I always felt conscious about those things.”Eric takes a small break and I kiss his cheek in support.“I was always an active child, I participated in most of the offered physical activities. Erudite are rather health orientated and, although they want their members to be studious, they also want them to live active lifestyle, which includes physical activities to relieve stress and get the endorphins flowing. A lot of those activities included having a shower afterwards, to get rid of the sweat. They liked the workout but did not appreciate people smelling more like factionless when they were done. They were kind enough to separate by genders, yet I got many comments for my penis size as apparently it was a topic that was allowed to be discussed... locker room talk. As we grew, their penises grew, mine did not, and I ended up showering at home or later than most of the others. It did not matter much by that time, Erudite are a bunch of gossips, just like every other faction bar Abnegation.”This time he kisses my head and I snuggle into him.“All the girls knew they should stick with the other guys and when I approached any of them they did not shy away of using this information to put me down. I,” he hesitates for a moment,” did some research on the topic and there is a broad term for what type of penis one could have. The concept of grower or shower... I never got to find out if I was a grower instead of just having a pencil dick, as by then I felt so demeaned and unworthy. Nothing would happen, no matter how much sexual stimulation I manually applied or what visuals I looked at. Birch told me this can happen and my case seems to be one of those where trauma causes erectile dysfunction. He kept telling me to be patient and work on myself so I can heal naturally as I always said I did not want to use chemicals just to have sex. Call me vain but I wanted to have someone for me and not what I represent.”He sees my confused face and elaborates.“Do you really think all those girls I have been kissing were doing it because of my sunny deposition or because they wanted to bag a leader,” he asks crudely.I cringe but reply.“Why were YOU kissing them,” I ask in return, and I can see remorse in his eyes.“I wanted to see if one of them could elicit a response from my body. I never was into any of them. I gave it a good try but it never went beyond some groping and kissing. Most of that happened in public places so I had an excuse to not take them home with me but leave the Pit alone,” he admits, and I finally understand what I have been seeing at every party. I simply roped him into the category of those making out and almost having sex in the Pit.“So it was like the story of the frog who had to kiss a lot of girls to find his queen, the one who would transform him and restore his former physical form? That’s what you were going for?! Well, the image you portrayed of someone about to fuck a girl against the wall in the Pit certainly looked real,” I admit, and he cringes.“Tris, you are the only woman who gets me stirring and even if you did not, for you I would take any pill needed to make you happy and satisfied in bed,” he states with so much conviction, I start to feel bad about not giving him a chance earlier.“Whatever you are thinking now, don’t,” Eric growls. It’s a more playful growl and not a mean one.“I just wish I would have given in earlier,” I admit. “It’s just that I thought you had sex with all those women, one night stand after one night stand and then what would you do with me? Which man would wait months or years to be able to touch his girlfriend intimately or have sex,” I ask.It is Eric’s turn to hug me to him.“I know now why Birch and Johanna connected us the way they did. It was not fully appropriate for them to meddle and interfere but they had our best interests in mind and I think I would not have you now had we not emailed beforehand.”“I know that, but what are the odds,” I lament, but he shuts me up effectively.“I love you,” he whispers against my lips and then he claims me thoroughly.“You are always on my mind, I dream about you and the future I want to have with you. I have never been in love before but I doubt it will get any better than this,” I talk around the proverbial bush.“Is that you saying you love me too,” Eric smirks at me.I shrug in response and he frowns.“I think this qualifies as me saying it should be love,” I reply carefully.“You want to be sure before you say it,” Eric surmises.“Fuck it,” I exclaim and throw myself onto his lap. My mouth meets his and before I know it out tongues battle a war that neither of us can win. “I love you,” I finally mouth against his lips.“I love you too, Tris,” Eric replies amidst soft pecks on my lips.“We have to get back to work,” he reminds me and I moan and groan in protest.“Come on, if we work properly now we can finish on time and be done with it until the morning,” Eric promises.“Fine, but I want you to pick me up the second you are done. We have dinner together and you still need to talk to Four,” I negotiate and Eric agrees readily.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Tris POV
I wouldn’t say time flies, but I am busy enough to not look at the clock every five seconds. When Eric comes knocking on my storage room door I am more than ready to call it a day though.For some reason we are both quiet on the way back home.“Would you like to eat dinner at my place,” I offer quietly.At first I am not sure Eric even heard me but after a few steps he tells me he would love to after freshening up at his place. So we split up in the leadership hallway and I busy myself preparing chicken and potatoes with vegetables on the side. It’s meant to be eaten cold, so I don’t bother with timing the different ingredients.Tobias returns while I am at it and he freshens up as well, leaving me to my own devices.Once done I decide I should grab a shower also. Tobias is done and reading a book in the living room. In passing I let him know Eric will be over for dinner and once I hear his grunt in reply I close my bedroom door. The shower is fantastic and just what I needed after standing at the hot stove for the last thirty minutes.Huh, I wonder what took Eric so long.Once I am scrubbed clean I decide to add some lotion to mark the occasion of having my brand new boyfriend over for dinner.I want to smell good and maybe feel good to his touch if we should get that far.I mentally slap myself to get back to my former self. When did I become so obsessed with anything sexual, I wonder. When I get back into the living room I find a scene I never expected.Eric and Tobias are sitting on the couch, drinking beer and talking quietly. There is no animosity and both smile at me when they hear me enter. They don’t stop for my sake though, and I am absolutely fine with that.“Where do you guys want to eat,” I simply ask and receive two shrugs.“Dinner and a movie it is,” I declare and nod my head in between Tobias and the screen we have rolled up by the wall.“On it,” he states, and I leave while listening to him explain our set up and where we got the movies from to Eric.I decide to bring all the dishes out instead of plating some food for each of us. Easier for second helpings and I can throw in the snacks too.I quickly cut up more veggies and grab the dip we use daily from the fridge. Johanna gave me the recipe and I have been forever grateful for it. It’s the perfect summer dish or to squeeze the first pangs of hunger when dinner takes too long.Everything is set up when the boys are done and Eric looks on in amazement as Tobias and I introduce him to one of our favorite pastimes.We do not have a large selection of movies, mostly what Tobias copied off our friends, but it’s enough that we do not have to watch the same movie over and over again.True to our friends’ Dauntless nature we have what people used to call action movies and I am pleasantly surprised Eric did not come across James Bond before today. Three hours later we are stuffed, the movie is over and it has gotten rather late for those of us who have to work the next day.Tobias excuses himself and heads off to get ready for bed first.I look at Eric and swallow hard.“I don’t want you to go home yet,” I complain.“We both have to work early,” he reminds me with a small kiss to my nose.“I know that, but we did not get to talk more,” I continue to air my grievances.“That may be true, but we have forever to do that. What is one evening watching a movie with good company,” Eric asks, surprising me.“Did you and Four make peace,” I ask, choosing my words carefully.“Tobias and I cleared the air,” Eric admits. I arch an eyebrow. “All that needed to be discussed has been talked about. We all have our cross to bear, it seems.”And with that Eric let’s me know they really talked the tough shit through while I was busy.“Good night,” I wish and lean up to kiss him goodnight.“Sweet dreams,” Eric returns and deepens the kiss for a moment before backing up and walking to the door.“I will pick you up and we go to the office together,” he asks through the already open door.“Of course,” I return and watch helplessly as he closes the door behind himself. Strong arms envelope me from behind and I inhale Tobias familiar scent. It is comforting but not what I really crave right now.“I am glad Eric turned a new leaf and for once made the right choice,” he whispers into my ear.“We are surprisingly right for each other,” I admit.“Yeah, I figured that when he told me what he went to see Birch for,” Tobias agrees and I swivel around.“He really told you all of that,” I ask.Tobias nods. “Yes, he said we need to learn how to put our differences aside because he is not going anywhere you are not, and as it seems the same is true for me he wanted to get it all out and done with. He sure has some issues, but I am glad he at least understands that I am not a threat. He can relate more than I hoped your significant other would. It made us more appreciative, I would say.”“Wow.” I am speechless and not sure what to say.“Give him time to think everything through, Tris. He will be back in the morning,” Tobias promises and kisses me good night. … Sleep evades me for a good bit of the night and when my alarm blares I am one cranky, overtired mess.The coffee and hot shower don’t improve my overall mood much, and when Eric finally knocks on the door, ten minutes after Tobias left, I am a bit annoyed with him too.My face must have said it all, for Eric takes a step back when I open the door and carefully gestures down the corridor without much more than a ‘good morning’.No hug, no kiss. Just a cautious side eye and him following my rapid pace. Ron is in the office when we arrive and, just like Eric, he takes one look at my face and bolts out the door with an probably imaginary errand.Eric leads me to my office and waits patiently to see if I want a kiss or not.When I look up at him he quickly pecks me on the lips and let’s me know he will see me for lunch.The door closes and I am left alone with my thoughts and no outlet for my mood. Luck seems to be on the faction’s side.I am not long in the office before Veronica pops in. What I hoped to be a social visit to take my mind off things turns out to be her distracting herself from being in labour. Before I know it I am asked to coach her and be her personal stress relief ball while she rails and rants at Max.I wish she wouldn’t refuse to take painkillers, but she insists on a natural birth and I am getting more and more convinced that I want to have the whole amount of medication made available as soon as possible when it’s my turn.That thought makes me think about how I treated Eric and hope to god I did not blow it already.By six in the evening Veronica finally gives birth and she and Max are able to welcome little Dawn into the family.I fawn over my baby cousin, just like I knew I would, and am moved to tears when they let me hold her. When I finally make it home it is close to nine and I just want to go to bed, empty stomach and sweaty clothes be damned.Tobias left me a note on my bedroom door that he picked up a night shift and that Eric stopped by.I quickly grab some left overs from the fridge and eat them while standing, straight out of the container we keep them in.I start stripping my clothes on the way to my bedroom, intending on heading straight through to my bathroom and jumping into the shower.When I open my door, t-shirt in hand and bra undone, I screech when I come to see a sleepy looking Eric propped up on my bed.He blinks once, twice and then he smiles at me, well, my chest, but he still smiles and it shuts me up effectively.I throw my sweaty shirt at his face and walk past him before firmly closing the bathroom door.Leaning against it, I take a deep breath to center myself and calm my racing heart. The shower is a good distraction and I don’t take long, just a quick soap and rinse. When I step out of the shower I realise, though, that Eric’s presence made me forget to take fresh clothes with me.Deliberating my options, I decide to just go with it and wrap the towel securely around my body. I planned on sleeping in my underwear, so the towel is more than adequate to preserve my modesty. With my head held high I walk back into my bedroom and see Eric made enough space that I can fit.Without a word I lie down beside him, towel and all, and he pulls me in close. No words are needed when I hug him back or when he kisses me.I am forgiven and he is there for me whenever I need him, even if I don’t know it until the moment he gives it to me.The kisses are rather chaste yet the best medicine. “How is Veronica,” Eric finally asks.“Good, they have a healthy baby girl and are over the moon. I wouldn’t expect Max in the office in the near future,” I tease.“We’ll make do,” Eric simply promises and moves on to the next question.“How do you like your baby cousin, Tris,” he almost sings to me.“She is the cutest baby ever,” I gush. “They even let me hold her,” I add.“That’s nice. How did that make you feel,” he asks carefully.“Good. I have no problem holding babies or being happy for others when they have one, Eric. I might have trouble having one myself, but I am not bitter or envious,” I explain.“Good! One day that will be you,” he promises and I swallow hard.“Eric, I am not sure about that. I do want kids and all, but I might never be able to give birth naturally. I would never forgive myself if something happened to our child just because I could not keep my legs open,” I explain my thoughts.“How would you harm our baby,” he asks while pulling me closer once more.“Vaginismus, well, the stage of vaginismus I am at, doesn’t let anything touch me down below. The one and only gynecological check up I went to ended up with the doctor touching my thighs and me cramping up, hyperventilating and shaking like crazy. I was basically passed out,” I admit, and swallow hard, waiting for Eric’s reply.“And yet you keep straddling me without problems,” he reminds me.“Yes, but that only happens with you. You yourself are a distraction for me. I tried touching myself and my fucking hand got stuck until Four could distract me enough that I naturally released it.”Eric gapes at me.“Uh, could you please explain that one to me, because the picture I have in my mind does not go with what you and Four have told me about your relationship.”“Johanna, as my therapist, told me I needed to find out my triggers and boundaries. Four was at work and I decided to have a hot bath, relax while reading an, uh, interesting book and then I decided to trail my hands down my sides and up my thighs. I managed to trap my hands in between my thighs and it was painful,” I admit. “So there I was, alone at home, in the bathtub with my hands trapped and panicking a bit when I heard the front door open and I decided to jump over the proverbial shadow and call for help.” I squeeze Eric’s arm to comfort both of us. “There were still enough bubbles to ensure propriety and Four was not sure how to help me so he took my rambling and distracted me by asking me to elaborate on a story. It was the day you woke me up when I had a lunch time nap in the office,” I add.“So talking about me got you out of your predicament,” Eric asks, sounding smug.“Yes, it worked every single time.”“See, I am just as special to you as you are to me. Tris, we were destined to be together, I just needed to get my shit together and show you what’s behind the asshole,” Eric offers and I go with his wording.“Well, said asshole hung my friend over the Chasm because he did not know how to teach a valuable lesson differently and said asshole had Four throw knives at me when I took over someone else’s punishment. But, said asshole also gave me a frozen scarf for my sore throat, helped me get my drunken friends home, decided I was a worthy ally to have in the faction, showed me his filing system and offered me shelter in his home.”“And this asshole loves his Stiff,” Eric teases, but I stay quiet.“Come on, Tris, do you really think I mean it this derogatory if I use it in combination with you,” Eric asks and I shrug my shoulders, but before long I can’t withhold the laughter.“Why are you here,” I suddenly ask when the thought comes back to the forefront of my mind. “I am not complaining, just surprised after the way I was this morning,” I add hastily.“Well,” Eric rubs his neck, “I had lunch with Four and he told me he heard you tossing and turning half of the night. Made me believe I wasn’t the reason you were in this shitty mood,” Eric trails off and waits for what I have to say.“He was right.” I sit up and hug Eric properly.“He told me about your chat yesterday,” I kiss his lips.“And I got to thinking and then I couldn’t stop,” I kiss him again.“Anything particular that stood out,” Eric asks and this time he kisses me.“Just how far you both have come. From being rivals that were out for each other’s blood to finding an understanding and confessing things to each other that before yesterday both of you would have used against the other had it benefited either of you.”“True,” Eric admits and his arms come up to really pull me into the kiss.I tentatively spread my legs and straddle Eric’s lap, happy my body is too busy responding to his kisses to shut the gates, so to speak.Eric’s hands move up and down my back before one hand finds a new home in the hair at the base of my neck.“You taste divine,” Eric says against my lips.“And you smell even better,” he moans now, his lips trailing sideways towards my neck.I move my head to give him better access and he nips, licks and sucks along my leadership marks.“My turn,” I moan and gently push Eric backwards until his lips detach. He settles against the pillow leaning against the headboard and bares his throat to me.Of course the first thing I do is trail my lips over his scars. Then I move on to nip and suck my way around his throat. The collar of his shirt is bothering me for some reason and after I pushed it aside for god knows how many times Eric simply takes it off.This, of course, opens up new avenues to explore and I do get carried away, yet Eric never stops me.His torso is my playground and I am having a blast. Just looking at this abs and pecs I feel like salivating. Eventually Eric stops me. “Tris, it is getting late, you should get ready for bed,” he suggests nicer than he should.“I am good, I did not plan on putting on more than a pair of undies,” I admit and Eric groans.“Don’t tell me stuff like that. Now I don’t want to leave,” he teases.I bite my lip and cock my head. Decisions, decisions. Fuck it!“Just give me a second to change and then you could ... spend the night,” I ask quietly.“Tris, we should take it slow,” Eric reminds me.“I know that, but I also know that I always feel better when you are around. I need the sleep, will you stay with me,” I pout and Eric laughs.“Yes, now get changed into something proper and come back to bed,” he demands and I rush over to the drawer holding my pajamas. It is only then that I realise my towel is barely covering me. I quickly look back to Eric and see him smirking at me. Yes, he enjoyed that view for a while, I am sure of it.That fact alone makes me brave enough to chose something that I received as a gift from Christina.Without looking back I grab it and rush into the bathroom. One set of black underpants and a skimpy lacy nightdress that barely reaches the top of my knees later I walk back out into my bedroom and find Eric lying comfortably in my bed. I am really glad I got a big one at this point in time.He doesn’t see what I am wearing until I slip under the blanket.“Fuck, Tris,” Eric exhales loudly.“Goodnight, Eric,” I kiss his lips and then turn left and right until I am comfortably enclosed by his arms.“Goodnight Tris,” Eric whispers back and kisses my head.It don’t think it takes more than a minute before I am sound asleep. … I wake up hot and covered in sweat, but that is not what woke me up. No, that honor goes to Eric’s fingers. His hands found their way into my clothes. One hand attacked from the top downwards and he is holding onto my breast for dear life while the other hand snuck in from down below and his thumb is tucked into the waistband of my panties.Then there is the crown jewel, pressed against my back, his erection - rock hard and not small by any measure. Pencil dick my ass, I think and can’t help the giggle.My whole body is shaking and Eric’s fingers hold on tighter, causing me to moan.“Tris,” Eric’s voice is sleep roughened and it sounds sexy as hell.“Hmm,” I reply.“Are you good,” he asks me.Is he serious? I am damned good, thank you very much.“Couldn’t be better,’ I quip and wiggle a bit to show him where his hands are and what effect they have on me. I may or may not have used this opportunity to rub myself against him.“That’s good but unfortunately we have to get up. It may be Sunday but we have to cover for Max and Veronica,” he reminds me.“They will come and find us if it’s urgent,” I argue. “Tobias knows where we are and Oscar lives on our floor,” I add. “Let him deal with everything, we are currently busy,” I declare and I can hear Eric snort.I rub my body over his erection. “Is this okay,” I finally ask.“Of course, is this okay for you,” he asks in return and his thumb rubs along my party line while his fingers squeeze my nipple too gently.“I am not made out of glass,’ I reply and rub harder against him.Eric takes his cue from me and pinches my nipple until it is just one hard bud and his thumb pushes lower and lower until he is almost touching my clit.I can feel my leg muscles starting to tighten, ready to move and protect me. “Eric, you need to distract me or your hand will be squeezed to death,” I warn.“Are you uncomfortable,” he asks me with concern, stopping his ministrations.“No, but my body needs to get conditioned to your touch,” I remind him. “I am thinking too much, distract me and do as you please,” I offer.“No, Tris, don’t say things like that. I want to please you, but you need to want me to.”“I do, believe me, I do,” I urge. “But my mind prohibits my body from progressing further than I want by thinking about what we are doing. I want you. I want you to touch me, to bring me to orgasm, to make love to me. I want whatever I can get,” I state honestly.Eric is quiet, absolute silence prevails. It feels like he even stopped breathing.“You are putting a lot of trust in me, I don’t want to disappoint you,” he states almost inaudibly.“I trust you to do what’s best for me. I trust you to help me overcome my issues. Whatever we manage to achieve together will be because of you.”“Tris, I love you and it was never about sex. It was always about you. I will happily live a life without sex if that means I can have you in it.”“And I appreciate the sentiment, but I would love nothing more than to experience everything with you. We won’t be having sex today, Eric, I doubt even you will get my body that far, but I want you to know that when it happens I am all in. I want it now, so I will want it then also. Okay? Whatever we do, I want it!” I make sure to turn my head so he can see my face and the fact that I am serious.He kisses me long and hard and I move my body against his like an animal in heat.It is getting hot and I can feel Eric’s hand moving again, but his kiss is keeping my mind on other things until...“Fuck yes,” I shout and feel the orgasm wash over me.Unfortunately my thighs close and Eric’s fingers, who rested on my thigh while his thumb rubbed my clit get trapped.“Shit, that hurts,” he whines and I bite my tongue to stop the ‘I told you so’ from leaving my lips.Instead, I push my hand behind me where I still feel him. He is hard and leaking and my thumb reaches the tip first when my fingers wriggle under his waistband. He is almost peeking out it seems... hmmm, I would love to turn around and see him.I continue to rub my thumb over the satiny soft and moist tip. The liquid just making my skin float over his with ease.Strong arms grab my shoulders and Eric turns me around so I am facing him, his lips crashing against mine while my hand fully disappears in his underwear now that I have better access,I do realise that his hand is freed, but I am in a mission so I don’t voice anything in that regard.“May I,” I ask sweetly when I finish trailing my lips down his abs and reach his bulge.Eric nods amidst a loud moan and I gently push his boxers down.His erection springs free and I am amazed by the look of it.I read books, I looked at pictures and I listened to all the girls talk, but damn, that is mesmerizing.A steel covered rod, full of blood, reddish in color and leaking liquid from the slit on top. The bulbous head and the rest of the shaft, all together perfect.“Wow,” I exhale and the hot air makes Eric shiver.I move closer and gently blow air over him and I can see goosebumps form on Eric’s pelvis.“Can I,” I ask, unsure myself what exactly I am asking permission for, but Eric nods enthusiastically.I know what the other girls say and what those characters in my books do, so I try it myself. My lips lower and I gently run them over the top.Intrigued by the texture, I stick my tongue out and run it slowly around the tip.Eric moans really fucking loudly, but this time I am too focused on my task to ask him questions. I am exploring him like I would a new dish. Touching his skin with my fingers, touching him with my tongue and of course smell and taste. The liquid on top doesn’t taste very pleasant, but the sounds Eric makes when I run my tongue around him and when I finally suck the tip into my mouth overpower the wish to gag. He likes it and I want to please him. To show him my appreciation. To see what I can do.I am powerful because he gives me the gift of stepping back and letting me drive.I have lost all inhibitions and Eric is not stopping me so I am going all out.My lips descend and I am taking as much of him into my mouth as I can. Only when I start gagging when he goes too far in do I withdraw him, but I take him back in and suck. I keep repeating this and it doesn’t take many rotations before Eric groans really loud and then barks at me to move off of him. His hand grabs my hair and he quickly lifts my head before I have a chance to follow his orders.Still, we are not fast enough and he ejaculates against my cheek.Eric is cursing up a storm in between grunts and groans and there are more spurts coming towards me.I am holding still, afraid of where it might land if I move now and before I can think about anything else I feel Eric reach out and then he wipes my face with a tissue from my nightstand.“Sorry,” he mumbles and doesn’t meet my eyes.I take another tissue and finish wiping my cheek before I simply move up his body and kiss him something fierce.“Don’t apologise! I love you and I sincerely hope you enjoyed this because I am more than happy to repeat this often,” I state.“Tris,” Eric starts, but I silence him with another kiss.“I love you and I absolutely love the trust and power you are willing to give me. You are baring yourself and I couldn’t love you more for it,” I state and Eric snorts.“I don’t think most people see it that way when they give or receive a blowjob,” he quips.“We are not most people, Eric,” I remind him.“I am aware,” he admits and kisses me. “Are you good,” he asks.“Perfect.” I smile at him.“Shower and breakfast,” he whispers into my ear and I shiver.“Hmmm,” I moan my agreement.“I will shower at my place and you come over for breakfast when you are ready,” he suggests and I pout.“Do you want to shower with me,” Eric asks and I am seriously considering it.“Next time,” I offer and he nods. “I want to condition myself as often as possible,” I add lamely.“Condition away,” Eric jokes and then grunts when I pinch his side.Eric gets dressed and leaves me after another searing kiss.While I shower I think back to what we have done and what our issues really are. My shower doesn’t take long and it has not even been ten minutes before I knock on Eric’s door.He takes a moment to open it, but when he does, he looks more than relieved to see me standing outside the door.“Oh thank god, for a moment I thought our couple’s time was over and work came knocking on my door,” he explains and I sigh.“We’ll find a balance. I am just glad we are able to be close whenever we want to.”“Come in,” Eric invites and I don’t hesitate.“Sandwiches okay,” Eric asks while walking ahead of me into his kitchen.“Yes,” I breathe out while staring at his ass covered by some tight shorts. Yummy! Eric makes me a plate and when he sits down beside me I start on explaining my ideas.“I was thinking we should have some basic rules and guidelines for our relationship,” I start and see Eric’s smile falter and shoulders sag,“Anything goes for me, nothing is off limits and the more you accomplish while distracting me, the better. I want my body to learn that yours is not the enemy and that your touch will always be welcome. I want you, any way I can have you. If we manage to have sex, great, if not, still good, because I have you by my side.” I take a deep breath. “I love you,” I wait for a response and get a smirk. “I also think that we should either walk around in our underwear when we are alone or naked.”Eric chokes on his food and I pat him heartily on the back.“Excuse me,” he wheezes out.“You are excused,’ I tell him with a straight face, “I want to get used to being skin on skin and having your hands on my body. I want my body to learn to trust you just like my subconscious already does” I continue.“Tris, we might not be ready for more,” Eric reminds me.“It doesn’t matter at the movement. I will be ready when you need me to be ready. I will be there with you when you make love to me the first time and I will be there when you can’t help yourself and fuck me in a dark corner somewhere in the compound.”Eric’s pupils dilate and his breathing picks up.“Would you like to fuck me in a dark corner,” I ask gently.“No, I’d rather make love to you in a bed where nobody can interrupt us.”“And we will, but now I just want to be your girlfriend and see where things are going.”“Okay,” Eric states.“Okay,’ I follow up.“Yes,” he replies.“Great! Oh, and just so you know, I am on the pill so we are all good,” I add and once more I catch him off guard, but then he chuckles.“God, now I finally understand Max. You were born to drive me crazy.”“Excuse me,” I blurt out.“In a good way, Tris. Just look at Max and Veronica. She keeps him on his toes and she is his equal partner in everything they do. That’s where we are headed and I can’t wait.”“Oh, okay,” I reply lamely. “For a moment I thought you meant something else,” I admit.“No, never. Come here,” Eric demands, holding his arms open. We get to spend the rest of the day making plans for our future, the faction doesn’t come calling and we don’t venture out. I meant to post this yesterday but I had a shitty day. Planned all week to run errands bright and early Saturday morning and hubby blindsided me with having to head to work five hours early when I was about to leave. Unwilling to change my plans, knowing it wouldn’t get better any other day, I decided to simply take the kids along. Half of you will know how draining it is to take three moaning and groaning kids into any store. After bedding, clothes and the home store I decided to skip the builders providers and, with a detour past the petrol station and McDonalds, headed home.The kids were beyond cranky and, given the fact it had been lashing since the night before, they just kept fighting with each other.Sooo, I decided to put all that frustration to good use and finished an angsty story I started some time ago. That makes it two more finished stories I can post after this one is finished. Yay 🥳
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Tris POV
Ten years later
“Welcome to this world,” I gush when I wake up and see Eric holding a precious bundle out for me to see. “Is she okay,” I can’t help but ask.“Absolutely perfect, just like her mommy,” Eric croons and I feel tears pooling in my eyes.“Natalie, say ‘hi’ to your mommy,” he encourages, but our daughter doesn’t even open her eyes to look at me.“Can I hold her,” I ask and try to sit up. I cringe with pain when I can feel the incision from the caesarean. Eric uses one hand to push a button beside the bed and the back comes up, helping me move into a more upright position.“They gave you something for the pain and to heal faster but it will still take a while,” he warns.“It doesn’t matter. She is here and I finally get to hold her.” I open my arms once more and Eric gently places our baby girl into my arms.Despite everything we went through to be together as a couple, having Natalie was the most daunting of it all.Having sex did take us a little bit longer than I hoped for. Not because it wasn’t possible, no. Mr Badass, leader extraordinaire, decided he rather wanted to be a wuss.God, if I think back to the day I finally have had enough… Flashback “Eric,” I whine.“No, Tris. We talked about this and I am saying it as often as I have to. I don’t want your body to associate me with any pain,” Eric growls.“Eric, I need you to be the one to do it,” I repeat my request.“No,” he reaffirms.“Eric, whatever my body will associate with you afterwards, we can work on making it a positive reaction every single time.”“I am not willing to take that risk, Tris.”“Eric?”“Yes?”“I love you,” I state.“I love you too, but I am not just going to deflower you after you have had a drink or two to numb the pain.”Shit!“Please,” I bat my eyelashes.“No,” he says and actually turns away from me so he won’t have to look at my pleading eyes.Okay, sneak attack it is.I walk up behind Eric and start rubbing his shoulders until I feel some of the tension leave him. Only then do I move further down his back, massaging his muscles as I go. He actually has some spots that do need some work and I make sure to get him nice and relaxed.I have made up my mind that I want to take this important next step. I know losing my hymen will be painful and I want it done before we have sex. God knows what my body will do to Eric if he should be inside me when it happens. And who knows what his own body will do with his penis being squeezed to death by my vagina. He might never get it up again!I let my hands roam and they move further towards Eric’s front. His chest, mind you, but I can feel Eric sigh, even if I don’t hear him.By now I know all his favorite spots, so to speak. I explored extensively and I will find my way around blindfolded.I tweak his nipples and run my palms over them repeatedly until he finally turns around and seeks my lips.I rub myself all over him and push one hand under his shirt while the other lands in his pants. I know how to bring him pleasure and I can feel that he is ready to go today. Yes, we still have days when there is not much going on, but who cares? Eric is the best cuddler ever and even if he can’t get it all the way up he still works on conditioning me. Slowly but surely I rid him off his clothes and then do the same for myself. Eric moans in delight when I rub my naked breasts against his back, and when I gently push him towards the bed he follows my guiding hand.We have no problem with nudity. Just as I suggested we walked around Eric’s apartment barely clothed and that soon morphed into locking ourselves in and just hanging out naked. Well, except for if one of us was cooking, lesson learned.Finally Eric turns to me and takes me into his arms.“I hate causing you pain,” he reiterates.“And I am telling you it has to be done and I’d rather you pleasure me while doing it than just shoving a dildo in,” I remind him of one of the ideas Johanna offered during my last session.Just as expected Eric growls at that. “Nothing else goes in but me,” he repeats himself and I smirk.“Then get the fucking job done so we can move on,” I demand and Eric shuts me up effectively,Soon we are both moaning and groaning, but Eric leaves my mouth behind to lick and suck his way down my body, taking my clothes as he goes.“Did you drink,” he suddenly asks me.“No,” I admit.“Good.” Eric moves aside and grabs something out of his nightstand drawer. “Here, those are the good ones they gave me after you broke my nose.”I look at the pills and then mentally shrug. Why not? I was joking about getting tipsy but this is not a bad idea. I dry swallow one and lean back while Eric continues to lavish my body with appreciation.Finally, he is kneeling between my thighs, holding them open with his strong elbows planted just inside, while he tongues my clit. This is something we learned along the way as well, brace yourself and have a backup plan. The first time Eric’s head got stuck he was in real pain and I spent some time making up for the slight bruises on his face. Lucky us, nobody asked where he got them.I can feel his pointer finger probing my entrance. We have done this before, baby steps all the way for me, and soon he is pushing his finger in until he reaches my hymen.Eric swirls his tongue around my clit in the same rhythm he swirls his finger inside me. Then he adds a second one, stretching me slowly.So far we did not go further than two fingers, but I can feel the give come easier this time and Eric does too. He adds a third finger and, while he sucks hard on my clit, he pushes them in quickly, breaking my barrier.While I did not orgasm, I did not feel as much pain I expected, just a slight burn like when you graze your finger with a knife but don’t cut too deep. My body doesn’t clamp down and I can see Eric looking at me in surprise.I smile at him, a real smile and not a grimace through pain that I honestly don’t feel, and I see his whole body relax.Guess he was tense while I was relaxed. Huh.Eric keeps lavishing my clit with attention but withdraws his fingers, cleaning them on a tissue. It it surprising how quickly I do orgasm after all of this and Eric comes back up to hold and kiss me.I snuggle into his form and thank him in my own way; showing him the love I feel for him. I don’t know how long we have been at it. Probably hours, but eventually we find ourselves in a position where Eric is right in between my legs, his erection prodding me down below.He looks at me and then rubs the tip from my clit down towards my entrance, sliding through the lips. I am so wet, he is gliding along my flesh with ease.I wriggle slightly and he pushes harder against my entrance.“What do you want, Tris,” he asks me.“I want you. What do you want,” I ask in return.“You, all of you if I can have it.”“Then take what you want,” I encourage.Eric looks me in the eye and kisses me hard while pushing down with more pressure.The tip goes in and we both moan.“Oh god, Tris, I don’t know how long I will last, but I think I am about to embarrass myself,” Eric groans.“I don’t care. We have the rest of our lives to perfect this. Remember, learning means working through things and we will do that. If you come before I do then that’s what’s going to happen. Now make love to me,” I demand and Eric pushes all the way in.We both moan at the sensation of being so fully connected. Most people consider this the most intimate you can get with your partner but not for us. Baring ourselves and putting it all out there and accepting what was given, that was the most intimate thing I will ever experience. This? This is just a reminder of how close we are.Just as he said, Eric doesn’t last long and he comes before I feel much, but he makes up for it by bringing me to orgasm time and time again afterwards. Well, that is after my body released him. You see, my vagina clamped down on Eric when he came and the blood flow was cut off, making it almost impossible for him to move. He was stuck inside me, but we knew this could happen and did not panic. We spent the time kissing and talking about how we wanted our life to be from now on.Eventually, my muscles loosened and the blood could leave Eric’s penis, letting it shrink and he was able to pull it out.By then I had agreed to move in with him and the rest is history, as they say. End of flashback “Hey, where did you go,” Eric asks me with a slight worry to his tone.“Just thinking back to how the baby making started,” I tease and he grins at me.“Good times,” he reminisces. “Getting stuck in you is my favorite part of it all,” he teases, but I growl. “I love the way your body holds onto me, making sure I am not going anywhere.”Okay, I like that sentiment.“I love you,” I tell him, but then I stare down at our daughter who finally opened her eyes. They are a murky colour and could be grey or blue, only time will tell.She scrunches up her face and starts wailing, and I look at her with wonder until Eric grabs her and checks if she needs a fresh nappy.“All clean,” he states. “Maybe she is hungry?” He offers her back to me and I look down at my hospital gown covered chest.“Just a moment,” Eric soothes our daughter and puts her in a small bassinet beside me. “I’ll help, be careful with your stitches,” he reminds me.Together we make short work of the gown and Eric even helps me put on the nursing top we bought.“Here you go, mommy is all ready for you now,” he soothes our screaming infant and hands her to me. I gently guide her to my breast and after a couple of tries she latches on, sucking greedily.“Oh god, that hurts,” I complain and Eric looks at me in surprise. “They are sensitive.”Eric nods because he knows that’s what I have been complaining about for the last months.“She is sucking hard and I can feel my whole body tensing in reply,” I go on.“Do you ... want to stop,” Eric asks with worry in his voice.“No, we just have to get used to each other. I remember Veronica complaining about the same,” I admit.Eric pulls the chair closer and sits right beside me, getting a good view of our daughter having her first meal.“They have gotten so big,” he says in wonder while staring at my breasts this time.“They’ll get even bigger when the actual milk comes in. Magic milk,” I tease and he sighs.“Yeah, but that means I won’t be playing with them for a while and just looking at those ... melons gets me hard.”“Eric,” I whisper shout.“What? I know we have to take a break and we will be busy with Natalie, but let me have my fantasies.”“Of course you can dream about them,” I allow with a wink. “Maybe you get to do more than that,” I tease.“God, I hope so!” Eric is all serious again. Natalie finishes and Eric takes her off of me to wind her. We are both pros when it comes to taking care of babies. Veronica and Max found capable babysitters in the both of us and appreciated it so much, we got plenty of practice time. I am just covered up when there is a soft knock on the door.Veronica pokes her head in. “Hey, can we come visit,” she asks.“Sure,” I agree and she opens the door further, allowing Dawn and little Chloe to enter.“Hi Tris,” the girls chirp. “Can we look at the baby,” they ask in unison and Natalie takes this moment to announce her presence by burping loudly.Veronica chuckles. “She sounds like she truly is Daddy’s girl.”“Probably,” Eric admits.“You’ll spoil her rotten, just like Max does with our babies,” she gushes and Eric beams. He actually thinks that’s a compliment, forgetting the faction taking a piss at Max for doting on his girls and fulfilling their every wish. “Hi baby,” Dawn croons to Natalie.“What is her name,” Chloe asks us.“Natalie Wright Coulter,” I declare and Dawn gasps.“She has my middle name?!”“Yes, honey, that’s the name I had before I married Daddy and Tris’ Mommy had before she married Tris’ Daddy. We like to honor our forefathers,” Veronica explains while I nod in agreement.“What about my middle name, mommy,” Chloe asks with concern in her voice.“You are named after your Daddy’s Mommy,” Veronica explains.Chloe looks at Eric and then Natalie. “Will you give the next baby your momma’s name,” she asks in all her innocence.“No, sweetheart,” Eric starts. “My mom has a really old fashioned name that is not Dauntless enough,” he explains, withholding the fact that we would never honor her this way even if she had a suitable name.“It can’t be that bad,” Veronica chimes in and I cringe.“Audhild” is all Eric has to say to have them in stitches.“Yeah, stick with our family members,” she agrees and gives me a fist bump.“Can I hold her,” Dawn asks, pointing at Natalie.Eric looks at me and I nod.“Yes, but you have to sit on the chair,” he agrees. Under our watchful eye Natalie receives cuddles from Dawn and Chloe while we watch on in amusement.Finally I can’t hold back the yawn and Veronica takes the girls home while Eric keeps an eye on Natalie and me while we nap. THE END Yes, yes, I know! There are so many things I could have touched on, added etc etc. This is why there will be outtakes. I decided to keep the story in Tris POV and you will have other people narrating the outtakes. I already have a long list but keep the suggestions coming nonetheless.