Work Text
Carter was relieved to be getting out of work on time for the first time in over a week. His shifts hadn’t been quite as fast-paced as they’d been over the holidays, which was a surprise, as he’d been expecting everyone to pour back into the ER to deal with the various ailments they’d ignored over Christmas. At least Kerry had given him a break and let him take a day shift since he’d worked second or third shift over much of Christmas itself. She moved around the schedule and left the evening shifts to Malucci and Luka, the latter of whom had recently returned from vacation and the former of whom always seemed to be on Kerry’s bad side to begin with.
He walked into the lounge and nodded a hello to Kerry, who was getting a cup of coffee.
“Hey Carter, thanks for sticking around a little into the evening,” she said. “I know this last week or two hasn’t been easy.”
“Not a problem,” he replied before he headed to his locker to get his coat.
“Any plans for the rest of the night?” Kerry looked over at him while adding cream to her coffee.
“Actually, yes. I’m going to see Jing-Mei. I haven’t seen her since she had the baby.”
“Oh. Do you know how she’s been holding up? Have you had the chance to talk to her on the phone or anything?”
“I talked to her last week, and it sounded like she wasn’t doing too good. I mean, I haven’t seen her come back to the hospital, so I guess she’s recovering well physically. But emotionally…she still seems upset. I’m glad everyone has backed off from talking about her.”
“Yeah, I shut it down,” Kerry told him. “She needs support, or privacy if she so chooses, not gossip. I let everyone know speculation was off limits and it’s none of our business.”
“Thank you,” Carter said. “I didn’t really have the energy to deal with that myself.”
“That’s what I’m here for. And you’re going through a lot of your own stress, so let me deal with the management stuff. You just take care of yourself and go support Jing-Mei. Give her my best.”
“I will. Good luck with the rest of your shift.”
He grabbed a cup of coffee to go and headed out into the cold January evening. He imagined a night like this felt even lonelier for Jing-Mei right about now.
What do you bring when visiting your friend who just gave her baby up for adoption?
Carter had wondered this ever since Jing-Mei had called to ask if he could spend time with her before or after one of his shifts, and he still didn’t have a good answer. He knew not to bring flowers; Kerry had squashed that idea when Jing-Mei was in labor on Christmas Eve. Obviously, he couldn’t get a baby gift for a baby who wasn’t with his biological mother. But if he showed up empty-handed, he worried it would look like he didn’t care.
Something to eat seemed like a safe bet, though—because after all, everyone needs to eat—so he knocked on her apartment door with sandwiches in hand; one for him and one for her. That is, if she was up to eating. If she wasn’t, he could leave the food with her for later.
The door opened, and Jing-Mei answered. She was wearing pajama pants and a hoodie and still looked exhausted, but she managed to give Carter a half-smile.
“Thank goodness you came; I was going stir crazy,” she sighed. “Come on in. I’m sorry if it’s messy, but I haven’t exactly had the energy to clean.”
“Not a problem.” They sat down on the couch, and he pushed a book aside. “I don’t think anyone would blame you right now.”
“Well, I blame me. I don’t even have a baby at home and I still can’t clean up after myself.”
“I know,” she sighed again and put her head down. “I shouldn’t say stuff like that. I still carried a baby for nine months and gave birth. In a sense of the word, I am a mother. But in the actual definition, like taking care of and raising a child, I’m not. I gave him away.”
“Still feeling guilty?” he asked.
“A little. I mean, like I told you in the postpartum room, I have the money. I have the living space. My son and I could have lived comfortably, and I know Frank has a nice place too. We had the means. It’s just that…we had fun
one time.
Who expects to come out of that with a baby? We never even went on a second date because we agreed this was just a fling, something for us to do and enjoy each other’s company for a night or two. Some healthcare professionals we are, huh? We didn’t exactly behave responsibly if you think about it.”
“Just because we’re doctors—or in Frank’s case, just because he’s a nurse—doesn’t mean we’re perfect. We still make irresponsible choices and have bad habits. I mean, look at what’s happened in my life over the last year. Not that this is about me, of course.”
“I still can’t imagine what he’s going to think when he’s older. The baby, I mean.” Jing-Mei blew her nose with the last tissue in a box. “He doesn’t know any better now, but I wonder how he’s going to feel when he learns that I didn’t feel strong enough to raise him.”
“His adoptive parents don’t seem like the type of people who would put it like that,” Carter replied. “I bet they would most likely explain that he was born to a mother who loved him and took good care of him when she was pregnant, but ultimately knew she wasn’t in a space to raise a baby. That he needed a home and two loving parents who were in a stable relationship. Not that…” He stopped, thinking he’d gone too far.
“I’m sorry. That last sentence was a poor choice of words. I doubt they’d say it that way either.’
“No, I understand. Frank and I weren’t exactly planning a wedding over breakfast the morning after we slept together.”
“What did he say when you brought him the adoption papers anyway?”
Jing-Mei couldn’t help but laugh a little. “He was…surprised. I mean, looking back on it, I get it. He obviously wasn’t expecting me to turn up, and I waited way longer than I should have to even tell him I was pregnant. I’m an adult; I should have pulled him aside to talk or called him as soon as I knew, or even before I was showing. I don’t know what I was afraid of.”
“Making him faint again?”
“Maybe.” This time, she laughed more. “Gosh, John, that’s the first time I've laughed or smiled in a while. Thank you.”
“Whatever I can do to help.”
She shook her head and got serious again. “Anyway. When he saw how pregnant I was, he just kind of said…’whoa’ and his friends left pretty much right after I came up to his table in the cafeteria. I told him that I needed to get his permission to give the baby up for adoption. And at first, I was worried he’d be furious, or that he’d refuse. He was kind of upset, which was understandable; the child is just as much his as it is mine.”
“But when I explained how some of my family members were going to react and reminded him that we were never serious about each other, he saw where I was coming from. He knew that even though we could be civil to each other, it was going to be unfair to the baby to have two parents who weren’t in love, and it was going to be hard on all of us to have him traveling between two homes all the time. I was surprised he agreed.”
“That takes a lot of strength,” Carter said. “It’s mature to realize you two will never be on the same wavelength to build a family unit. But hey, listen. It doesn’t necessarily matter how much or how little time you spent with Frank. What matters is that you agreed on a solution and you found two wonderful adoptive parents who will give your baby the best possible life they can.”
“You know, when I was talking to the adoptive parents before I chose them, I was really touched by their story.” Jing-Mei looked off into the distance and appeared to be thinking back to that first meeting. “Linda, the mother…she’d found out she was infertile, and then when she and James thought they would get to adopt, the mother backed out at the last minute and kept the baby. She said it was one of the worst moments of her life. Like having a child maybe just wasn’t her destiny. And I said, I don’t think it’s in my cards right now; that’s why I want to give you this baby. She was so excited. She and James both have good jobs; they have decent family values and go to church…probably the type of people my mom might like if he weren’t…”
She trailed off again. “I mean, I know my son will have a good home with them. When she was holding him, I could tell this was her dream come true. And they were even happy to agree to an open adoption. Before they left the hospital…but after you had gone back down to the ER…they said, we’re not looking to keep the baby away from you or hide details about how he’s growing up. I know they mean that.”
“So there’s hope then.”
“There is, but I also know now’s not the time to call them or ask for pictures or whatever. Linda said that she’d send me some a couple of times a year and we could keep in touch, and I was free to send Michael presents. They’ve been nothing but good to me. And I’m grateful that I found a good fit after reading so many profiles of adoptive parents and doing a few interviews.”
“When the time is right, you’ll hear from them,” Carter assured her. “But they need time to adjust just like any new parents, and you need space to heal physically and emotionally. This may take a long time to get past, and you may never truly get over it, so to speak. It gets better, though. There’s always something to hope for.”
“Here.” He opened the bag and handed her a sandwich and a bag of chips. “Do you feel like having anything to eat?”
“I don’t know.” She unwrapped the sandwich and made a face. “No, it’s not the food. I just…sorry. We…I…don’t have any paper plates.”
“That’s OK. I’m happy to just eat off the wrapper. I’m not as high maintenance as some people think I am. Or maybe if you have smaller, dessert-size plates we could use those?”
She shuffled into the kitchen and looked in her cabinets. “One clean one. I really have to run the dishwasher.”
“Hey, don’t worry about it. We’re casual here. When you came back last year, it’s like you and I never missed a beat in our friendship. I’ve known you a long time; I can handle not using a plate.”
“OK. Thanks for making me worry about one less thing.” She took a small bite of the sandwich and a couple of chips.
“How have you been?” she asked. “Am I missing anything good at the hospital?”
‘Not much. Kerry has kept everyone from prying into your life too much and getting chatty, and she asked how you were doing.”
“That’s good to hear. She was really supportive of me when I told her I was pregnant. I just wonder how this is going to affect my chief resident candidacy. Even though I’m legally entitled to maternity leave, I still have to make up the time I miss. Kerry said she wishes it weren’t that way, but it’s one rule she can’t change. You have to complete your full residency before you can do a chief year.”
“Work should be the furthest thing from your mind.” Carter said as he stood up and went to look for drinks.
“I’m out of drinks too,” Jing-Mei called out from the living room. “Yeah…again, sorry, but people don’t bring you food after you give up your baby for adoption and forget to grocery shop in your grief.” She couldn’t help but feel angry at how lonely being a biological mother felt when she didn’t have a baby at home.
“I could help.” He came back with two bottles of water. “How about I get you some groceries this weekend? What do you need? You can make a list or tell me and I’ll drop them off.”
“John, you really don’t have to do that.”
“No, no. It’s on me. Even if you only want me to get paper plates and you want to get out of here and shop for everything else on your own. Or we could go together. I need groceries too, after all; we may as well keep each other company.”
“I appreciate the offer,” she replied. “Actually, if you could do that while I get my apartment back in order…that could be really helpful. I can’t live like this forever. When I’m despairing about the adoption, I look around at this place and I only feel worse.”
“No problem. I have to work days this weekend, but once I’m off, I can get to the store. So just keep me posted on what I can get you.”
They continued eating, and Jing-Mei looked up at Carter. She noticed he looked a little run down and seemed to have something else on his mind.
“Are you sure you’re OK?” she asked. “You kind of dodged the question when I asked how you were.”
Carter didn’t know what to say. If he told her about his slip-up with the Vicodin, it would only burden her with problems she didn’t have room to handle. That didn’t seem fair. He decided he would share it with her someday, maybe months down the line when her pain wasn’t so fresh. So, he stuck with the generic answer.
“Work,” he shook his head. “You know, the fun just never ends. I was being pulled in so many directions the day you gave birth, and it took some time to let up. But things have slowed down a bit now. Mark is still out, but Luka’s back from vacation and Kerry’s been tormenting Malucci by making sure he gets all the worst shifts. And Cleo’s been taking extra shifts where she can. It’s fine. Just tiring, and I think the cold is aggravating my back pain.”
“So, same old, same old?”
“You bet.”
“Well,” Jing-Mei raised her sandwich. “Here’s to better times ahead for the both of us. We need all the hope we can get, right?”
Carter nodded. “Agreed.”