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Seungkwan had a charm like no other, he drew people in, never letting them go.
Chan fell for Seungkwan's charms long before he realized the complexity of the situation he had unknowingly got himself into.
Lee Chan had been twenty when he realized the reason he fell for Boo Seungkwan. It wasn't sudden, he fell for Seungkwan gradually— he realized it abruptly one afternoon but he knew that he has been in love with Seungkwan for a long time.
Falling for Seungkwan was easy. It was easier than learning his own name. Seungkwan was kind and warm, Seungkwan was synonymous with home, he was Chan's home, he's always been. Whenever Chan needed help, Seungkwan was there, be it as a shoulder to cry on or a dance partner or just something in between.
It is hard to not fall in love when Seungkwan laughed at all his jokes, showered him with love, took care of him like no other. Chan could call Seungkwan in the middle of the night and Seungkwan would listen, he loved that about Seungkwan but he also hated that about him.
Seungkwan was so used to taking care of everyone else that he rarely allowed himself to be taken care of, even when he is sick.
"Chan-ah I'm fine," Seungkwan whines in a nasal voice because of his cold.
"Move an inch from the bed and I'll never talk to you." Chan threatens, knowing all too well that he can never go a day without talking to Seungkwan.
Seungkwan pouts, considering the threat to be serious enough to make him stay in bed.
"Chicken broth or porridge?" Chan asks noting down Seungkwan's temperature in a notebook.
“You don’t have to do t-”
“Chicken broth or porridge?”
“Chan-ah.”
“Chicken broth it is,” Chan announces disappearing into Seungkwan’s kitchen.
Seungkwan has been living in this apartment for two years now and Chan had spent enough days in the tiny white-walled one-bedroom apartment to be considered a co-inhabitant. There was a running joke between their friends that Seungkwan and Chan lived together and Chan took his apartment on lease so that he has a place he can crash at when they fight.
Seungkwan had always taken these jokes lightly, he even joked around calling Chan his darling multiple times. Chan on the other hand had a tough time trying to suppress the flush rushing to his cheeks and his thudding heart whenever Seungkwan called him so.
None of that changed the fact that Chan knew Seungkwan’s apartment and his life far better than he knew his own. Chan managed a big share of Seungkwan’s household, they went grocery shopping together, Seungkwan chose the apartment and signed the rent contract with Chan beside him, Chan helped in choosing the linen and the shades, and whenever Seungkwan hosted a party or a dinner Chan was the co-host. They ate together at his house every weekend taking turns to cook.
Seungkwan’s tiny white-walled one-bedroom apartment was way more of a home to Chan than his one house. It wasn’t the apartment, it was Seungkwan who made it his home.
Boo Seungkwan is Chan’s home.
Only Chan cannot say it out loud to the world, because he’d rather keep his unrequited love under the covers than ruin his friendship with his best friend. Seungkwan is far more important than anything in Chan’s life. In the deep night when the darkness consumes him, he thinks about Seungkwan. Letting those feelings flow helps him calm himself. They may have never been together, yet just being by his side is enough to keep him going.
Cooking for him and taking care of his needs is the only way Chan can keep the secret locked away in the deepest chamber of his heart, buried away from the world, from his world— Seungkwan.
Chan knows the recipe of the broth Seungkwan’s mother made for him like the back of his hand, disaster prep in case he got sick, which he did. When he returns to Seungkwan’s room after letting the broth simmer, he finds Seungkwan dazedly peering out of the window.
“We’ll have good weather again, you can enjoy then.” Chan knows Seungkwan’s yearning for cloudy breezy afternoons.
“I hate it here, I want to go out and take a walk. We could bring hotteok to enjoy in the rain on our way back.” Seungkwan frowns.
Chan’s heart flutters in his chest involuntarily at Seungkwan’s words, he made sure to make plans with the younger in them.
Chan rests his palm flat against Seungkwan’s forehead, gently pushing his splayed bangs away before leaning down to plant his lips on his warm forehead. “We will. Just not today.” He whispers against his skin, lips ghosting over the skin with each syllable.
“Whoever taught you to check temperature like this?” Seungkwan muses, pushing the younger away with whatever little strength he had in his limbs.
“Halmeoni did. It’s the most accurate way of accessing body temperature since the lips are delicate and sensitive to everything.”
Seungkwan mutters something under his breath, telling the younger off with a wave of his hand. “I’m sleepy.”
“Sit upright, you’re not going to sleep until you get something into your stomach.”
“Please be fast.”
“Just a minute love.” Chan doesn’t even realize what he said, these terms of endearments keep slipping out, they came out naturally.
“What would I do without you?”
“Starve,” Chan snickers. “Don’t worry, I need you too. Always.”
Maybe it's just a few minutes, or perhaps it's less than a minute. But it feels like an eternity stretching on and on before Seungkwan mumbles a soft
thank you
.
*******
Chan is drying the dishes he had washed when Seungkwan softly pads into the kitchen. The busy hands under the running tap stop for a brief second as the younger turns around at the sound of Seungkwan’s soft step.
“Do you need something?” Chan asks, continuing on with the dishes in the sink.
Seungkwan’s fever came down a while ago, according to Jeonghan, their medical nurse friend, he just needed to rest for some time before he’d be as good as before. Chan knew Seungkwan couldn’t stay in a place for long, he expected the older to whine for a short walk or a game of UNO.
“Why are you doing this Chan?”
“Huh?”
“Why are you here taking care of me when you could be out with Yeonjun?” Seungkwan’s face is impassive, yet his eyes speak volumes, the guilt swimming in them is unmistakable. “He asked you out on a date and you said no.”
“Seungkwanie—”
“You’ve had the biggest crush on his since we were kids. Why did you ruin your chance with him?” Seungkwan asks, so small and meek, guilt gnawing at his heart. “You’re so stupid, Chan! Stop putting others above your happiness.”
Chan doesn’t know what it is exactly about it, but the way Seungkwan’s words are curdling into something bitter as they fall halfway out of his mouth makes him feel nauseous and horrible. “You’re not just someone for me. I’m happy here.”
Seungkwan breathes a sarcastic laugh crossing his arms, shoulders hunching closer into his torso as if he’s trying to make himself smaller. “Yeah right. You’re so happy to be around sick old me, cleaning behind me and administering medicines. That’s the definition of fun. Go out the weather is perfect, I’m sure Yeonjun would be up for a round of ice cream or something.”
“What even!?! I like it here wit—”
“No!” his voice raises for a moment like a crack of lightning before he struggles to reign it back in. “What is wrong with
you
Chan? Go out, date, fall in love! Do not spend the best years of your life cooped in with me. Just because I’m not into dating doesn’t mean you have to stop yourself. You’ve been around me since we were kids, there’s only so much you can bear me af–”
“Bear you? Seungkwan I think you need to rest. The fever is making you say crazy things, let's get you to bed.”
Seungkwan is unpredictable, especially when he’s sick, when he gets upset, it becomes an ordeal equivalent to volcano eruptions and tornado storms.“No. I can do it yourself,
you
need to go. Stop wasting your time on me and have fun.”
Something in Chan is angry and hot, dangerous like the melting molten knives over a kitchen stove. He’s not used to fighting with someone much less Seungkwan. He’s not used to losing his temper. But something in the way Seungkwan’s mouth is twisted, trying to be hard and cold and instead looking desperate and vulnerable, makes him feel a blinding, irrational need to bite back. “Shut up! Take a minute and listen to whatever shit you’re spewing, it makes literally no sense. I’m not a kid who can be influenced into doing something. I’m here because I want to. Yeonjun can find someone else for all I care. I like being here and you cannot kick me out.”
“I very well can. This is my apartment for fucks sake.” He grits his teeth.
“You know what the fuck I was trying to say. What, do you want me to do? Would you like it better, if you were alone right now? I’m as much as a resident of this house as you are, you need to—”
“Shut up!”
Both of their voices are raising, the argument dissolving into something that feels almost childish but is at its heart something much bigger, much sadder, much heavier than either of them can handle.
“Live your life, Chan. Will you?” Seungkwan practically shouts. And then, almost in a fit of passion, his eyes are fogged over and glossy, tears are welling up in his cloudy eyes, even as his eyebrows furrow together in what might be fury
“I am! This is a part of my life.” Chan says, and even though he thought he wasn’t that angry he suddenly realizes that he’s already halfway close to furious, hands clenching into fists and voice changing into what might be a defensive snarl. “I don’t know why you’re putting words into my mouth, but—”
“Because there has to be a reason, Chan! I’m not worth it all!”
“You fucking well are! You’re worth all the fucking effort and I’m not even doing half of what I should be.” Chan hisses, voice wobbling, and he stumbles just close enough to jab his finger jerkily against Seungkwan’s chest. It feels like a stab wound. “You don’t get it, whatever shit you’ve been on is clouding your sense. I like being here with you. I want to be here
every day.
You mean so fucking much to me Seungkwan! So
much.
No one can compare to you.”
“N-”
“I fucking love,” Chan yells.
Seungkwan stops dead in his tracks. “What?”
“I,” he says, voice shaking in what might be anger, what might be terror, what might be a whole lot of pain, seeing Seungkwan question his own worth pained him so much. “love you, Boo Seungkwan. Loved you for a long while now.”
And just like that, everything Chan had been suffering, alone, a major part of his life, everything he’s hidden from Seungkwan to not ruin their friendship, everything he’s kept secret from him because he was afraid that he would hate him, everything breaks through his walls and floods out in torrents.
“You're the only one for me, you're the only one that understands me. I look forward to seeing you every day, your smile lights up my entire world. On my darkest nights, you and your words hold me together. Every time you greet me as I open the door, my heart flutters. I dream about waking up next to you every morning for the rest of my life. When you are around my heart would skip a beat, I would always be worried that you’ll figure it out and hate me forever. I tried so hard to not show it, tried so hard to keep it a secret. I like being around you— so much. We go grocery shopping together, I help with the laundry, we dine together on weekends, I do all that because I love being with you. And it breaks my heart when you think low of yourself, you've placed all of the smiles in the world in my hands by just existing. Knowing you was the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m in goddamn love with you and everything you do. Don’t you ever fucking talk as though you’re not enough.”
“We say we're friends and I know that there's no way that I'll end up being with you. But friends don't look at friends that way, for me Seungkwan, you’re so much more than just a friend.” He gulps to try and swallow the burning sensation building in the back of his eyes.
The silence in the air lingers as the clock ticks. All his life Chan had held the secret in, reigning his thoughts over, hiding his feelings, pretending to be okay, skipping over his words, to not let Seungkwan know. But now that he does know… the silence kills him.
He’s waiting for the words, his heart hammers against his chest painfully, but unlike every other time now it’s out of trepidation. Chan expects the worse, he expects Seungkwan to kick him out, block on social media, change his passcode and shun him out of his life, he knows that’s what will happen, friends to lovers is a trope only fit for romance novels, in the real world there’s only regret and contempt.
“Say something. Please.” Chan begs him, he wants to hear the words so that he cannot hang on to any false hope— he doesn’t even want to entertain the idea of having his feelings reciprocated no matter how blissful the thought may sound.
"I'm not sure."
It's short and concise. It's what Seungkwan’s answers are always like when he’s taken aback.
The tears spring out of Chan’s eyes with full force, three words from Seungkwan are powerful enough to wreck him and make him regret everything he has said.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Chan, loses it, curling in on himself, cradling his head in his palms. This heartbreak was far too painful for him to bear.
Seungkwan lets out a choked sound at the back of his throat, rushing to his aid, only Chan doesn’t accept it. He pushes Seungkwan away and turns and runs, with the dishwashing rag still in his hand, even when Seungkwan frantically calls back for him, he doesn’t stop. He runs until his legs are squealing and his breathing is labored and constricted against his tear-stained face.
He doesn’t know how long he stays there, collapsed beneath some tree in an unfamiliar suburb street, the sun is long gone, even the crickets must've disappeared away for the night, it’s only Chan and the aching hollow in his chest. The regret of his unwarranted confession is sure heavy but it’s nothing against the sheer sorrow of having his feelings unreciprocated. Even though he believed to have thrashed all hopes of Seungkwan seeing him as more than a friend since the beginning, yet there must’ve been a small tendril of hope clinging onto him, that is the only way to explain the despair he was feeling then.
Whenever things were too quiet at night, his mind would drift to things he wanted to avoid. More often than he would like to accept, he had thought about how things would be if he gathered up the courage to fess up the truth and come clean about his feelings. He had imagined multiple scenarios, some more painful than the others, yet sometimes out of the blue, his mind drifted to cases of
what if— What if Seungkwan likes me back? What if we try dating? What if Seungkwan wants me to make the first move?
Every time Seungkwan held his hand and interlaced his fingers, whenever he pulled him to the inside of the road while walking, when he ran his fingers through his hair singing softly in his ear, when he looked at him with his bright shining eyes. It was in moments like these that Chan’s
what if’s
took over his rationale.
Even now, that he has been rejected by Seungkwan, his mind keeps on playing memories of the older, Seungkwan picking wildflowers for him because he said he likes them, their exploration trips together, the polaroids of them Seungkwan insisted on putting on his fridge, their movie nights which ended up in cuddles, Seungkwan’s ice americano, their dance lessons, ice cream walks, museum visits, cycle trips, drives,
Seungkwan,
everything about him
.
At that moment, everything in his life revolves around the older, it's so hard for Chan to reign in his tears, to not sob out loud like a baby, but does.
It is true that you never know how good you have it until you're reminiscing the memories of the times together. Seungkwan slipped through Chan’s fingertips faster than the grains of sand, he can only hold on to the memories now.
*****
Chan pulls himself up with difficulty, his mind is blank and his whole body sags with exhaustion. He only trudges home because he knows he should, without his phone or any money in hand, he is helpless, he ran out thoughtlessly because at that moment it was the only thing he could do.
The walk back is unfamiliar and peaceful— not the love-and-harmony kind, more like the kind that comes after a war, the kind that comes after a painful tragedy. The cool air nips at his face, drying his tears only for more to make their way down his splotchy red cheeks.
Chan’s own apartment had always seemed dreary and lonely to him, especially since he liked spending time with Seungkwan at his apartment, this night his own house would be even more lonely— a reminder that he isn’t welcome in the one place he had thought of as his own.
He takes the stairs, the burning at the back of his legs from the workout was far more pleasant than the ache in his chest.
The gasp which escapes his lips when he sees a very familiar figure sitting slouched against his door must’ve been noisy because even though his hands are limp by his side, he’s being swept into arms like they were made to fit together. He tucks Chan’s head firmly into the crook between his shoulder and neck. “Chan-ah,” he whispers. If he speaks any louder Chan thinks he’ll start crying. “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry I was an asshole.”
Chan has no idea how to react, he’s frozen with his hands limp beside his form as Seungkwan hugs him. Seungkwan’s hands are everywhere and nowhere at once—flitting around his back, at his shoulders, smoothing at the front of his shirt, checking for signs of injury, making sure he was alright. “Where were you? It’s been five hours! You left without your wallet and your phone, not even a jacket Chan—Are you cold? Here.” Seungkwan slips out of his own jacket and wraps it around Chan’s form. “Please don’t do this to me, slap me, call me names, throw things at me but
please
don’t ever leave like this.” Seungkwan makes a sound almost like a broken whimper, a fresh bout of tears dripping down to stain the collar of his sweater.
One moment Chan is frozen and the next he’s wailing like a baby in the empty corridor of his apartment. Seungkwan’s words, his concern, his red eyes, above all the worry swimming in his eyes broke something in Chan— something which couldn’t be fixed internally. Hot tears streamed down his face, and he squeezed his eyelids shut in the hope his tears would stop.
Seungkwan held him whispering
we’re okay,
running his hands up and down his back.
“Y-You don’t hate m-me?” Chan chokes out, much to Seungkwan’s horror.
“
No
! Absolutely not! I can’t hate you, baby, I
never
can,” he says, tightening his hold further. “I don’t hate you, I don’t.”
Chan goes on to say something but words broke up and all he could muster ended up being a stuttering jumble of sounds. Seungkwan tries not to jostle the younger too much as he punches in the password and pulls him inside. They needed to talk.
Seungkwan makes Chan sit on the couch and rushes to get him water. Chan’s wails had quietened down by the time he returns yet his choppy breathing and watery eyes remain.
“Chan-ah, I’m sorry,” Seungkwan started, taking a seat by the edge of the couch. “Please forgive me, please—I didn’t mean what I said, I was scared and upset and I took it out on you and— I can never hate you. Not a single bone in my body harbors anything but absolute love and adoration for you. When you looked after me, cooked for me, and tended to all my whims and requests with so much love and care, I had this— this stupid, stupid, insecurity which made me lash out at you.”
“When you confessed I was in shock, I was scared that this was some practical joke or a fever dream, I’ve liked you for years. All I ever wanted to do was to ask you out but the thought of ruining our friendship held me back. Even when you confessed I couldn’t stop thinking about what if we fucked up in the future, I want to be around you as long as I live, even if it’s a friend who is lying about his feelings. It was only after you ran out that I realized that all of that doesn’t matter. In my attempts of salvaging our friendship I was hurting you, and myself. When I saw you cry like that and dash out, I realized how badly I had fucked up but by the time I ran behind you, you were long gone. I figured you would come home. If you had been away even an hour longer, I would have gone to the police station.”
It's like children playing hide and seek. Everyone has been found, but the last child is still tucked away in their hiding spot even when the sun has started to set. Chan still doesn’t get it.
“What do you mean?”
Dull brown eyes look right at Seungkwan, peering into his soul with an emotion unnamed.
Don't look at me like that,
Seungkwan silently pleads to him.
Don't
.
“I like you, Lee Chan. And I’m an asshole for fucking up so bad and making you cry so much. Please don’t hurt yourself over the shit I did. I’m possibly in love with you and seeing you hurt kills me. I’m sorry.” Seungkwan drops to his knees in extreme submission, looking at Chan with glistening eyes, pleading with him.
Chan doesn't blink, doesn't look away either.
“Get up.”
Seungkwan blinks, trying to keep the hope from blooming up in his chest.
“Stand up Seungkwan,” Chan says, getting up himself and making his way to the older.
Seungkwan doesn’t say anything, following the command as the younger said.
Chan’s face betrays no emotion as he stands in front of Seungkwan, it’s like a switch has been turned off— the man who was so expressive moments ago was now blank and unreadable.
“I don’t deserve to be treated like this, when you said what you said, my heart shattered. All through the time that I was out, I kept on hating myself for opening my mouth and uttering those words. I thought I had ruined our friendship. You’re right, you were an asshole.”
Seungkwan grimaces at his words. “I’m so—”
“Let me finish.” Chan silences him, placing a finger on his soft, supple lips. “You were an asshole, an absolute idiot. I should hold it against you. But I can’t, I’m too far gone and way too in love with you to do that. You did wrong, but if you’re willing to improve, we can work it out. I love you Seungkwan, I reckon you already know from my little confession earlier.”
Seungkwan gives him a nervous grin. “Really?”
“One more stupid question and I’ll change my mind.”
But Seungkwan knew it was far from the truth, the grin on his face and the warmth in his heart was assurance enough for that.
“Can I kiss you?” Seungkwan whispers.
At that, Chan laughs, and before either of them can say anything he leans in and presses his lips against Seungkwan’s. His lips felt different, they moved tenderly, like they want to take a moment with every bit of Seungkwan's lips, his hands slowly moved to Seungkwan front, holding onto his waist, pulling him in slowly.
Seungkwan loved every bit of it, he couldn't keep his hands to himself so he let them wrap around Chan, immersing himself in the kiss as Chan’s tongue sweeps into his mouth, invading all his senses. Seungkwan let his fingers tangle around Chan’s hair, loving the way they brushed against his skin.
Seungkwan had thought about Chan’s lips a little too many times, he had imagined how it would feel like to kiss those lips, to run his fingers through his hair, to be the one making Chan lose his mind. Yet, none of it prepared him for the real thing— their bodies pressed together, his lips, soft, almost silken, and pillowy against Seungkwan’s own, the soft tickle of his breath, fingers carding through his hair as they breathed each other, the taste of their shared breath. This was better than anything Seungkwan could ever imagine.
“Um,” Chan says when he pulls away, grinning with wild, joyful delight at the dumbstruck look on Seungkwan’s face, “we’ll continue this when your stomach isn’t grumbling for food.”
Seungkwan blushes red at the sound of his hungry stomach. “We should,” he says pulling the beaming younger into the kitchen.
********
Chan and Seungkwan end up in bed soon after dinner, the dishes in the sink could wait until the next morning. Exploring each other’s mouths at the countertops and the crying from earlier had drained both of them, enough for them to retire to bed earlier than usual. Seungkwan suspects Chan to be on the brink of catching a cold, his own condition wasn’t much better either, sitting on the cold marble floor after being sick was stupid, but they’d decided to deal with the repercussions the next morning, for now, they just plan to sleep.
They had slept beside each other numerous times, yet tonight was nothing like
any
of the other times. Tonight, they didn’t have to school their heart to beat slower, nor did they have to stop themselves from letting their fingers reach out and caress each other.
Their intentions are extremely innocent, yet the blush on their cheeks and the hesitance in their minds keep them from doing anything.
They lay beside each other, facing the ceiling, waiting for something, only the something was unnamed and unknown.
Seungkwan builds up the courage and turns to face the younger. “C’mere,” He says simply.
The red blooming up Chan’s neck matches the blush on Seungkwan’s cheeks. For some reason, they felt like teenagers in love again.
He’s blushing up a storm, as he sidles down onto Seungkwan’s side of the bed. They turn to their sides, facing each other, and stare at one another for a few moments in silence. Seungkwan’s lashes are so frail, his cheeks so full.
“I’m so glad I have you,” Seungkwan whispers, nuzzling into Chan’s neck.
“I love you Boo Seungkwan.” Chan kisses Seungkwan’s forehead, a smile blooming on his face, it’s wonderful to feel so much love and adoration.
Seungkwan finds Chan’s hand, intertwines their fingers and squeezes his palm twice. It’s a slow process, intentionally done so, and somehow it feels filthily intimate—more than kissing, more than sex, more than hushed I-love-you’s against bare skin or slow dancing in the dead of night in someone’s backyard.
Thank you for loving me, you make my world a better place.
Seungkwan said it all without saying a word, he didn’t need to, because Chan understood it all.
He just does.