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They danced around the TARDIS console, expertly getting everything ready and steering the ship to the next destination that the Doctor had chosen for them.She couldn’t wait to show Yaz the fiery plasmafalls of Qobaltar, and excitement had been running high in her bloodstream ever since she remembered the existence of the place.
The Doctor brushed by her friend to take over the spatial interference control from her – not because Yaz couldn’t do the next bit, far from it, but because she knew Yaz loved working the winder of the accelerator that came in the next step.Her hands covered Yaz’s for a second, gently squeezing them and wordlessly telling her that it was okay to let go now, and after a moment they slipped out from underneath her palms, leaving her with only warmed-up metal to touch. The solid presence next to her disappeared, nudging her shoulder in the process, and with no small amount of pride the Doctor watched bright brown eyes flit away from hers and land on the winder.Yaz’s enjoyment was a beautiful sight to behold.
Their dance went into the next round, and after the push of a few more buttons and the cranking of two more levers, the TARDIS came to a wheezing standstill.Grinning madly, the Doctor grabbed her coat from the honeycombed steps and put it on with a flourish as she bounded down the dais. She didn’t need any verbal confirmation that Yaz was following her, she could feel her presence like warm lamplight at any given time, so she didn’t wait to grab both of the doors and throw them open at the same time.In front of them, a vast landscape of rocks and cliffs spread out, the stones glimmering in all shades of blue going from light early morning sky to deep prussian blue, while the electric crackle of the plasma rivers in the distance filled the air.She couldn’t wait to get Yaz out there. It was going to be proper brilliant.Unexpectedly, fingers brushed the inside of her palm, and the Doctor jerked away instinctively.She could hear Yaz’s shocked intake of breath more from the way her heartbeat stumbled than the actual air moving past her lips, and she turned to look at her friend with wide and remorseful eyes.“I’m sorry, I–”“No.”The Doctor’s jaw snapped shut at the harsh blow, Yaz’s lips set in a line as hard as the simple two-letter word had felt as it hit the space between them.There was so much consternation in her companion's face, pulling down the corners of her lips and her prominent eyebrows. Her eyes, however, were burning through the Doctor with determination and a good dose of anger. Seeing her usually so gentle Yaz like that was bewildering and made her feel out of her depth for a moment.Not saying anything further, the brunette grabbed the handles and jerked the blue doors closed again, completely ignoring the alien standing in her way, then stomped back towards the console. The Doctor was still rooted in place when she began moving around it with single-minded determination.With a jolt, the Doctor realised that she was starting the dematerialisation sequence.Her boots hit the floor in large steps. “What’re you doing?”“Taking us somewhere else.”“But the plasmafalls!” Her cry was willfully ignored. “Yaz!” She jumped into Yaz’s way to get her to stop but the other woman simply stepped around her, unperturbed. “What’s gotten into you?”A glowering look was shot at her right over the console. Suddenly, there was no more glee in Yaz’s features when she cranked the accelerator winder.Still, despite her utter shock about how things were turning quicker than the second moon of Abbatis, she couldn’t help but marvel and feel a good dose of pride as Yaz flawlessly manoeuvred the TARDIS to when- and wherever she wanted to go.
Without a hitch, without even the usual wheezing noise of the pulled handbrake, the ship landed as smoothly as a feather. Huh.A part of her wanted to congratulate Yaz for her first, and not to mention perfect, solo flight, but there was still such a tension in her friend’s shoulders and neck, that, quite frankly, she was a tad terrified to say anything at all when Yaz didn’t even acknowledge her impressive feat and simply marched towards the door.Something hit the Doctor right then – a possibility she hadn’t dared entertaining until the mixed scent of Yaz’s coconut shampoo and the molecular composition she’d come to associate with Sheffield wafted past her.Yaz wasn’t leaving her, was she?The TARDIS made a blubbering whorp and jolted her out of her petrification and into action. Double heartbeat pounding inside her ears, she ran after her. But it was too late.Yaz was already out the door before the Doctor could reach her and hold her back (hold her close, never let her go, trade every single heartbeat for another second with her), but the panic inside her kept her moving forward anyway.She needed to stop her, she needed to apologise for whatever she’d done to upset her like this, she needed to–Bright light hit her eyes, and for a second the Doctor didn’t see anything but Yaz’s silhouette against the blinding whiteness. Which was all that mattered anyway.“Yaz, stop! Please don’–”
She broke off and frowed when not only the crunch underneath her feet but also the slowly into focus swimming surroundings told her right away that this was in fact not Sheffield. Flabbergasted, the Doctor stopped three feet away from the now standing still brunette and looked around, blinking.Masses of water were moving back and forth noisily, waves were lapping at the unyielding shoreline made up of multicoloured pebbles as far as she could see. When she turned around, she was faced with a promenade and quaint little houses sitting in a neat row behind the TARDIS. Up above them the blue sky broke through the clouds here and there, and seagulls screeched as they circled the area for food.It was definitely not the sight she had expected, Sheffield or no.Frowning, the Doctor sniffed the air, then picked up one of the big pebbles at her feet to give it a good lick. The salty taste washed over her taste buds as she let it swirl around in her mouth.“This is…,” she started, words sounding a bit garbled since she was still trying to catalogue every molecule she could get her tongue on, “Brighton? Something like–”“ – mid-18th century, yes.”Yaz hadn’t even turned around to look at her, and that little action (or lack thereof) made something painful bloom inside her chest. She was so used to her friend constantly looking her way that the intentional denial of that simplest form of attention was already physically palpable.(It was a stark reminder why she tried to not get attached like that in the first place.)
She walked up to Yaz’s level and mirrored her look out across the sea. “Why?”“Cos this is me getting another beach talk.” Finally, Yaz’s warm brown eyes were on her again, although the light in them was more dimmed than usual. More guarded. “One where I get to actually say my piece instead of just listening.”Oh.The Doctor’s feet itched with the urge to run and hide in the TARDIS, her hearts not far behind. She had hoped that with their reluctant agreement on that beach in China everything had been said and done and she could simply lock all those emotions, all the pastpresentfuture pain, away, but apparently that wasn’t the case.She was going to lose Yaz at one point – that was a certainty.She didn’t, for all the lives of her, want to lose Yaz – that was also a certainty.However, it was also blatantly obvious that she’d lose her sooner than necessary if she didn’t grant her wish. So she did; it would hopefully be the lesser of two evils.(The Doctor had always been good at playing the martyr for their own selfish reasons.)Lips pressed together, she nodded. “But why here and now, of all the beaches in the universe?”“Cos it’s home and it isn’t, just like the TARDIS feels right now.” Yaz shrugged as if those words weren’t containing a thousand unsaid ones more. “And it’s nice and quiet around this time.”The first bit hit the Doctor square in the chest, and she took a shaky breath. And it’s my fault that it feels like that to her. It’s my fault that she’s not feeling comfortable with me anymore. “Been thinking about this for a while, have you?” It had been supposed to come out as a quip, maybe a lighthearted one even, but it was doomed to fall flat the second her tongue wrapped around the syllables all wrong.Instead of replying, Yaz turned away again and marched towards the shoreline, the stones clicking and crunching away under her soles. For a moment, the Doctor merely watched after her – how the sea breeze played with strands of short hair that hadn’t made it into her long braid; how her shoulders had a slight hunch to them despite her obvious effort to appear tall and unaffected – and strong in every way. Always so strong, her Yaz.The brunette finally stopped and sat down right where there was a significant downward slope in the ground. Trying to mirror her silent strength, the Doctor sat down next to her, paying attention to sitting as closely as possible without actually brushing against her friend in any way.Both of them watched the waves moving back and forth for a long time, not saying a word. The last time they had found themselves here (well, not here -here, but at a different beach at a different time, but the situation– her mind was rambling against the silence), it had been the Doctor who had caved first and started the conversation. But since Yaz had explicitly requested to get to say her piece this time, she sucked her lower lip between her teeth and pushed down every single word that wanted to fill the silence.Unsurprisingly, she started fidgeting and tugging at her sleeves instead.Yaz raised her hand to stop her restless movements just like she’d done a hundred times before, but then let it sink back to her own knees with a sigh. The Doctor wanted to reach for it and place it onto her bouncing knee herself.
She obviously refrained.Still, that little subconscious motion on Yaz’s part finally spurred the younger (so, so much younger) woman into action.Gaze steadily fixed on the horizon, Yaz cleared her throat and began quietly, just loud enough to be heard over the waves, “I respect what you said last time. What you want. Really. I just don’t get why you’re acting the way you are after telling me there can’t be more between us than we already are or have.”“How am I acting?” The Doctor furrowed her brows. What was she talking about?Yaz looked at her for a solid minute (actually it was forty seconds and six hundred and thirty-two milliseconds), her eyes flitting over the Doctor’s face as if they were a scanner cataloguing everything. At last, she chuckled mirthlessly. “You really aren’t aware, are you?”“Wouldn’t ask if I were.”“That’s a blatant lie and we both know it.”It was the Doctor’s turn to avert her eyes, and she focused all her attention on the grey pebble interlaced with white streaks right next to her left boot. It helped keep the shame about lying without thinking (and getting called out like that) at bay.“I’m sorry.”Would it ever be enough? Was it even possible to apologise enough times to make up for all the pain and trouble she’d caused Yaz over all those years?
Probably not.
Blowing all her breath out of her nose, the brunette looked out across the water again. “Whatever.”The Doctor closed her eyes.
It was only one word, but it contained enough emotion to make her gnaw and choke on it for another decades long prison sentence. Dismissal. Resignation. Hopelessness.Knowing Yaz to be without hope about something (about her) cut deeper than bones.“I’m–”Out of habit, she went to apologise again, but her friend cut her off with a firm shake of her head.“The way you’re acting…,” Yaz started instead, getting them back onto the original track. “There are all these little touches. Brushing me lower back with your fingers in passing. Covering my whole hands with yours when we’re piloting. How you sometimes stand so close to me that I can feel your breath one way or another. But as soon as I touch you in the most innocent way possible, you flinch away with that sad and scared look in your eyes and… It hurts.” A quiet huff. “Don’t get me wrong, I like it when you touch me, for obvious reasons, but it gives me hope. Hope that I’m not supposed to have. A hope that burns deeper than anything when it inevitably shatters every time you give me to understand that you don’t… don’t want me that way.” Yaz took a deep and shuddering breath and resolutely stared straight ahead, her voice cracking and fraying around the edges when she concluded with, “Or not enough. Doesn’t make a difference in the end anyway.”When she had thought two mere minutes ago that Yaz being without hope could be the worst thing, then she didn’t know what this was supposed to be.
Yaz wasn’t hopeless. The Doctor was giving her hope every day. Hope that was slowly killing her.She wanted to raise her fists to the sky and scream at the universe for being so bloody unfair.Instead, she stayed silent and waited for more things she could add to her list of failings to ruminate over during the hours in which her human companion slept.“I’m done with my rant for now,” Yaz announced, however. “Please say something. As long as it’s not another apology, I guess.”A sad smile tugged at the Doctor’s lips. “A simple apology wouldn’t change anything about how I hurt you, anyway. I truly wasn’t aware. I’m sor–” Huffing, she carded a hand through her hair, her fingers getting stuck in the wind-induced tangles. “I didn’t want to hurt you, please know that.” On the contrary.Matching the sad smile, Yaz nodded wordlessly, eyes still fixed on the horizon.“There’s something else I need to say. Although it might sound strange after complaining about you touching me without thinking about how it might make me feel…”The Doctor could hear the brunette’s heartbeat accelerating again, and without a doubt she knew what would come next.“You don’t need to–”“I do. Just this once. Because I don’t wanna live with the what if, with the regret of never having gotten to say it.” Her tongue flitted over her full lips for a fraction of a second, and the Doctor’s eyes were immediately drawn to it. “And I think you need to hear it, too. You need to know. Without a doubt. That there is someone who loves you. Which I do.”There was a beat of silence. Slowly, the Doctor lifted her head from where she’d been resolutely staring at her boots again, but she realised too late that that was exactly what Yaz had been waiting for until she delivered the final blow.With just a simple look from her warm brown eyes, Yaz laid her whole self open right in front of her.“I love you, Doctor. I’m in love with you.”The Doctor closed her eyes, willing her hearts to just be still. Willing her whole body to reign in the gooseflesh and not sing with joy. It proved to be futile, no matter how much her brain kept firing commands.“You can’t love me, Yaz. Not me as a whole. You don’t even know me. The actual me.” It was a weak protest, considering that at this point in time she didn’t even know herself, either. So how was one human supposed to do it?Her companion seemed to think along similar lines. “And whose fault is that?”Her own. Always her own.
“I can’t give you all of me. I don’t even know what all of me is.”With no small amount of distress she realised that she hadn’t even had that conversation with her friend yet. Would she prefer to go down that rabbit hole now instead of the one they were already in with one foot?
“Then give me what you wanna gi– or can give at least, that’s all I’m asking.”Hanging her head low, she shook it slowly. “You don’t know what you’re asking for.”“I didn’t spend almost four years stranded in the past and fighting my way back to you for you to tell me that I don’t know what I want.”Pain blooming inside her chest, the Doctor closed her eyes. So it had been four years.
Four years.
That was such a long time for a human, such a big chunk of Yaz’s life. Roughly five percent of her already too short lifespan. And that was if she was lucky. Chances were that it could be an even higher percentage if anything happened to her. If she got sick, or if–
Stop.
She couldn’t go down this road now. That was reserved for nights alone without any tinkering and maintenance to distract her. Without Yaz traipsing into the control room in her jammies, claiming she’d sleep better on the floor as long as there was the background noise of the Doctor working away than in the quiet of her own comfortable bed.A strange – but not unfamiliar – yearning for more of these moments seized her, and the Doctor imperceptibly shook her head in astonishment.Thinking back, Yaz had always known what she wanted. Be it getting back into a deserted warehouse to grab some seemingly important alien technology or refusing to leave her side come hell or high water. And an not insignificant amount of time it had been for the better that the Doctor had granted her wish.“You’re right.”Yaz’s head whipped around instantly. “Come again?”The brunette looked so baffled that the Doctor couldn’t help but chuckle for a second.“I tend to forget that you’re not the young woman– well, kid more like in the grand scheme of things– that started travelling with me all that time ago anymore. That you don’ need me to look out for you every second cos you’re nothing but brilliant in every way.” Until this point the words had come easy to her. Praising Yasmin Khan was a no-brainer and as logical as gravity pulling things down (speaking in an over-simplified manner) to her. It was the next bit that was hard. “So there’s no reason for me to keep pretending that I’m doing this to keep you safe from any kind of hurt, physical or emotional.”For the first time in what felt like weeks, Yaz seemed to be satisfied with what she was saying. The Doctor’s rewards were a small smile and a nod. “Good. Cos that’s my choice. Nobody gets to decide that for me, not even an overwhelmingly powerful alien.”“But the same goes for me, Yaz. I get to decide if I wanna save myself from that hurt, and no one else. Not even one of the greatest and smartest and funniest humans I’ve ever known.”The brunette nodded solemnly. “Okay, I get that. But may I just say… You’re already hurting. We both are. Don’t even try denying it. And we will be hurting at some point anyway because I know forever isn’t possible – so why not make that pain worth something at least? We both deserve to be happy, even if it’s just for a limited amount of time.”Obviously Yaz was right when she put it like that. And the Doctor knew that she’d given others the same speech just worded differently often enough and would thus be a by-the-book hypocrite if she didn’t follow it. But there was one thing her friend was wrong about.“You deserve to be happy, Yasmin Khan. You.”“Your constant need to play the martyr is getting really annoying.”“Sorry. Can’t help myself.”“I know. And I still love you for and despite it.”There it was again, that tiny word for such a big emotion. For a thousand emotions, really.And the Doctor felt every single one hammering away at the confinements she’d put them in, felt every single blow.How did Yaz manage to sit here, calm and composed, and not burst at the seams from the overwhelm of it all? How was her singular human heart able to take it when her own two hearts were struggling to keep up?Suddenly, it hit her. Because Yaz was human. Because humans were natural experts at being so full of emotion and pain every single minute. Because humans knew about time running out better than any Time Lord ever would. They definitely were better at making the most of it, that much was obvious.Maybe Yaz was right.Maybe keeping her feelings locked away would hurt her more in the long run as they withered and died in darkness, festering and turning into a cancerous creation that would slowly and painfully kill her from the inside out.Maybe–She hadn’t been aware of how tense she was, how tight her grip on the rocks underneath her hands was, until Yaz tutted in that unconditional caring way of hers and slowly reached out to brush her fingertips over the Doctor’s painfully white knuckles.Tingles shot up her arm, not just from the muscles releasing their strain, and she made a conscious effort to relax. It took a moment longer than she’d have expected, but her companion truly had the patience of a saint when it came to her, and simply waited until the last pebble came free with a quiet clunk.The Doctor wasn’t surprised when their hands properly slotted together, matching up perfectly finger by finger and callous by callous. However, her breath got stuck inside her lungs when Yaz gently raised their joined hands, all the way up to her face.The emotions hammered away louder. The walls cracked quietly.Yaz’s lips met her knuckles in a touch so soft it could be called reverent, and the Doctor had to quickly avert her eyes when Yaz’s big and dark brown ones opened and searched for them. The action was deeply ingrained by now, an act of self defence; only ever look when Yaz wasn’t, lest she might fall to her knees and worship the human like she deserved to be worshipped.“Don’t– Yaz, don’t– don’t do this to me.”“I’m not doing anything to you. I’m merely pointing out how absolutely stupid you’re being – the decision of how to go from there is still yours, Doctor.”The line between stupidity and bravery had never been so thin in her whole thousand or billion years of life.And was practically non-existent in Yaz’s shining eyes.The same way those emotions, those wants and needs, rushed past those now thoroughly damaged and broken walls, the same way the Doctor moved forward.She didn’t even think of asking, her hands simply went for the brunette’s face and pulled her in until their lips met halfway in the space between them.The first thing she noticed was that Yaz’s lips were definitely as soft as she’d thought they would be. The next thing was that she’d be addicted to them moving against her own for the rest of her life – this body’s, at minimum. She could feel Yaz smile by the way her warm cheeks moved under her palms, and the soft sigh accompanying it prompted her to push further, to gently nip at Yaz’s bottom lip and soothe over it with her tongue, to hope it would grant her entrance, to–The Doctor was finally jolted back into her head when a hand squeezed her thigh.Breathing heavily and quickly (where in the stars’ name was her respiratory bypass?), she pulled back and cut their connection, dropping her hands from Yaz’s face. Shit. What had she done?“I’m sorry, I– I don’t know what–”Eyes widening in what she’d describe as an onsetting panic, Yaz took a hold of her face and mushed their lips together again, pressing into her with not only her mouth but the rest of her body, too.
Something snapped inside her at feeling Yaz’s chest against her own, at feeling the love and want practically seeping out of her companion’s body and into her own, knocking those walls down even further.Whatever her brain was trying to tell her got drowned out by her need to feel more of Yaz and hide away with her, far away from Time and its reckoning, in a little bubble of their own where she could keep this magnificent human close forever.The Doctor got so lost in that impossible fantasy and the feeling of Yaz’s tongue dancing with her own that she must’ve blacked out somewhere along the way, for the next thing she noticed was that she was looking down at the other woman, while keeping herself propped up with one hand with the other wandering down Yaz’s side. Yaz’s fingers were scratching at the base of the Doctor's neck, eliciting a rumbling purr,
while
the others dug into her back.More. She needed more. Of Yaz’s swollen lips, of her breathy gasps, of all of her.Whining quietly in the back of her throat because the short distance between them was too big all of a sudden, the Doctor leant back down again for another kiss – gentler, slower this time.She could feel Yaz shudder underneath her when she nipped at her lower lip again (apparently this body was a bit bitey). However, the Doctor didn’t expect the immediate retaliation in the form of a less playful bite to her lip, coupled with a warning tug on her hair.
If she hadn’t been drunk on Yaz and thus out of her mind, she would’ve been embarrassed at the throaty moan bursting from her at the semi-rough treatment.Heat gathered in the pits of her stomach, hot and all-consuming, and without thinking about it she pressed her thigh forward where it had been sitting unmoving between Yaz’s legs until now, while her hand wandered from Yaz’s hip to slip underneath her shirt.There was a little nudge at her shoulder.“Wait.”Instantly, the Doctor pulled back, hearts beating wildly and afraid that she’d gone too far too soon. If it hadn’t been for Yaz’s deathgrip on the back of her coat, she probably would’ve tried jumping up (and possibly running), too. Where had her usually so impressive self control gone?Why couldn’t she beat that onslaught of emotion and want back behind her walls and barricade the cracks again?“I’m sorry. Did I–”A careful hand cradled her face, its thumb swiping over her cheek as Yaz looked up at her with more awe than she would ever deserve. “You’re alright– this is. Alright, I mean.” The brunette was as out of breath as the Doctor felt. “Just… not out here, maybe?”What?She had just speedrun over ten kinds of boundaries without even asking, and all Yaz was complaining about was the location?
But then again, it was probably what her friend had been wanting for a long time – so why did the Doctor keep expecting rejection at every corner, especially when she was the one who had tried (and failed) rejecting the possibility of them going down this road every chance she’d gotten?And she should keep rejecting it. She shouldn’t have let herself kiss Yaz, no matter how much she’d wanted to and definitely wanted to do it again now that she’d gotten a forbidden taste of it. She should pull back and–The thumb still resting on the top of her cheek twitched, and the Doctor exhaled shakily.No matter how she looked at it, no matter how her brain twisted and wriggled in its attempt to get a grip on the situation and quickly rebuild her walls, it all came back to the burning yearning that was sitting between her hearts.
The dam had broken. The walls had cracked. She had gotten a taste of Yaz that she’d denied herself for actual years and now she wanted the rest of it, too.Yaz had asked for whatever the Doctor could give her. And this? This she could give.Swallowing heavily, she searched her companion’s face for any trace of doubt and was confronted with nothing but love and more hope than she could possibly ever live up to.Courage, stupidity, and no line to separate them any longer.Her voice sounded incredibly hoarse to her own ears when she finally asked, “Are you sure?” By Rassilon, was she even sure herself?“About not getting bruises all over from all these pebbles? Yeah.”“You know what I mean.”Her voice was rough but firm when Yaz said, no, ordered, “Look me in the eyes, Doctor.”Just like minutes before, Yaz’s eyes were the downfall of every bit of reservation and misplaced rationality, and she surged forward again, capturing those addictive lips.Hunger grew inside her with every eager reciprocating movement of Yaz’s mouth and tongue against her own, and before she even knew what she was doing, the Doctor moved further. The slope of Yaz’s neck turned out to be just as much of an exquisite taste as her lips, and she greedily mapped the soft skin with her tongue.When she nibbled at her pulse point, a whimper vibrated against the Doctor’s lips, and she stored that information away for possible later use, together with the buck of Yaz’s hips against her thigh. With the movement came a breathy groan from both of them, but in Yaz’s case it ended with a pained cry, however.“Pebb- ouch!”Just like before, the Doctor shot up from her bent over position, alarm in her eyes.
“Oh stars, I'm so– I got carried away, sorry. But are you really–”“Doctor.”Her jaws snapped shut. Right. Yaz wanted this. Wanted her.
It still sent her reeling. So much that a good percentage of her brain capacity had said goodbye, judging by her next words (or rather her attempt at them):"So, um… how do we–"
"You could get off me an' help me up, for starters,” Yaz said patiently, not fazed in the slightest by the sudden lack of coherence from the woman on top of her. It was possible, even, that she was a bit chuffed about it, going by her small grin. “Then, a walk back to the TARDIS is in order, I'd say."Yes. That made sense. A lot of it. That made more sense than probably everything that had happened in the past ten minutes.
(How long had it actually been since Yaz had kissed her knuckles and sent everything tumbling? It shocked the Doctor a good deal to find that her feeling for time's passage wasn't working. All the other feelings, however? Well.)
Reluctantly, she pushed herself up and off, the physical contact to Yaz breaking off bit by bit.
Why did that hurt so much all of a sudden? Was that a premonition, a little taste of how it would hurt when they were separated for good?
Instead of shying away, of running and never looking back, from any further touch, she sped up her movements to the point of looking frazzled and frantic, needing to clasp her hand around the other woman's wrist to get any kind of contact again, all under the guise of simply helping her up.Yaz shot her a grateful smile and took her up on the offer willingly, but took her arm back as soon as she was on her feet to dust off her black jeans from whatever residual dirt had been on the pebbles.
Not knowing what else to do (definitely not staring as the brunette basically slapped her own butt), the Doctor skipped ahead towards the TARDIS.The ship was safe. Familiar. The old girl would tell her if she was making a terrible mistake, she was sure of it.She should probably use this tiny walk as a breather, as a moment to take stock of what was happening and how it made her feel (and how it was simply foolish and stupid and dangerous and… courageous), but all she was aware of was how her hand instinctively closed around Yaz’s when she’d hesitantly reached out and grazed the Doctor’s fingers with her own once she’d caught up, and how her hearts were beating frantically to match up with the erratic rhythm of Yaz’s.The blue door clicked open before the Doctor had even raised her hand, and she couldn’t help the fond smile spreading on her lips at her oldest companion.The TARDIS welcomed them warmly, the usually amber hues spotting an unfamiliar pinkish shift to them.
Without thinking twice, the Doctor reached out telepathically, asking if something was wrong, but she was met with nothing but a soft and content buzzing.
“What…”Confused, the Doctor let her gaze follow Yaz’s, and her eyebrows shot high as she noticed an all too familiar rectangular shape on the control room floor. Instinctively, she looked up to the tip of the glowing centre crystal that was slowly (innocently) bobbing up and down like a buoy. Cheeky, she thought quietly – instantly getting a quiet warble in return – and shook her head with a disbelieving chuckle. So that was how it was. With Yaz and the TARDIS teaming up on her on that front, she never stood a chance, she realised that now.
Used as Yaz was to her communicating in all sorts of ways with the ship, she didn’t even question what was going on and simply led them both towards the mattress once the Doctor had answered her questioning look with a short nod.One would think that falling into each other a second time was easier than the first, but as soon as the mattress was right at their feet, they both paused. There were some heavy implications to continuing whatever they had started here.Out of the corner of her eye, the Doctor saw Yaz’s throat bobbing as she swallowed heavily, and she was hit with a burning want to graze her teeth over that particular patch of skin. However, it was also a gesture of uncertainty, so she said:“We can go somewhere else, too, if you wanna. Can do something completely different, too. No biggie, really. If you reconsidered, then I fully–”Yaz sat down so quickly, the Doctor was tempted to assume a good dose of purposeful defiance behind the action. Those brown eyes were certainly reflecting the fire to go with it.When the other woman patted the spot next to her, the Doctor had to chuckle.As soon as Yaz had kicked off her shoes and scooted back to spread out her legs over the tangle of two distinctly coloured duvets, she did the same to her shoes, but instead of simply sitting down next to her, she knelt down right between her legs (that opened up instantly to make room for her, but she was trying not to think about that too much).
A quirked eyebrow was shot her way, accompanied by a lopsided grin, and the Doctor found herself unable to do anything but kiss it off her.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Yaz’s lips were as soft and inviting as before, and the second they parted under her own and strong arms wrapped around her neck, the Doctor let herself fall again – emotionally and physically.Yaz’s back hit the mattress with a quiet thud, and the young woman giggled against her mouth. The
Doctor took the chance to lick into her, and Yaz’s sweet sound turned into one of want that was still no less sweet to her ears.Seamlessly, they made their way to where they had stopped at the beach, the only difference being that it was Yaz’s hands searching and finding skin first this time.The Doctor sucked in a surprised breath at the sensation of warm fingers grazing the soft skin of her sides and lower back and she pulled back to look down between their bodies where the brunette had managed to pull both her shirts out of her culottes without her noticing.She shouldn’t have been surprised when Yaz immediately went to pull them back down, obviously taking her reaction as a sign of the Doctor not wanting that contact (so, so wrong). Instantly, one of her hands flew out to press down on Yaz’s exactly where it had been.“Doctor?” Yaz’s timid voice reached her.The hand she’d kept herself propped up with shook in time with her head. “Sorry if I looked… startled for a sec. Nobody’s touched me like that before– not in this body, I mean.”The look of uncertainty left Yaz’s eyes at that confession, and it was replaced with understanding and a spark of excitement.“Good startled, then?”“Definitely.”Yaz’s lips stretched into a beaming and mischievous smile, her hands splayed out all across the Doctor’s lower back, possessively almost, and the Doctor’s hips were pulled down to mould against Yaz’s.Her eyes fluttered closed at the unfamiliar but definitely good pressure against body parts she hadn’t had until recently (what were almost thirty years in the course of one endless life like hers, right?), and she bore down a bit further on pure instinct.
One of Yaz’s hands slipped out from under her shirt, and the Doctor was just about to make a protesting sound, but the complaint didn’t get any further than halfway from her brain to her mouth when the hand buried into her hair, the tight grip pulling at her roots a bit.Her hips stuttered forward again and something of a keen tumbled from her lips instead.Oh. Okay. She definitely did like that.The sensation tugged at something else inside her, and with a ferocity she wasn’t used to from herself (not like this, at least), she sought out Yaz’s pulse point on her neck and closed her teeth around it. She didn’t bite down properly, but she wasn’t too gentle either. Just teasing enough to make the skin under her tongue twitch and the hand in her hair tighten even more.How come she had never allowed herself to get this close? It was intoxicating, filling her whole body with a brilliant hormonal rush, making her feel light-headed. Probably because it felt like a herculean effort to stop. Because she couldn’t imagine ever stopping again.Her hands wanted to feel every inch of Yaz’s skin, her lips and tongue to taste it just as much. She wanted, she wanted, she wanted. The Doctor was faintly aware of strong thighs, strong from all the running they’d done together, pressing against the side of her hips and locking her in place, but it faded and blurred into one big and burning ball of sensation together with the different textures underneath her wandering fingertips (polyester, cotton, skin – gloriously warm skin), the change of tastes (last traces of the blueberries they’d had for breakfast, lingering molecules of perfume), and the flowing soundscape of Yaz’s ragged breathing (pants, whimpers, whines that made the Doctor want to give the universe to her).She was losing herself in the woman underneath her, touch by touch and kiss by kiss.With a sudden jolt of panic rushing through her and cutting through the haze, the Doctor pulled away from whatever she’d been doing – the fact that she didn’t even know was quite alarming on its own – and allowed them both a moment to breathe, maybe even reconsider.
The first glance down as she propped herself up on her hands proved to her that there was nothing to reconsider.Yaz looked the tiniest bit frazzled, more strands falling from her braid now than before they had started kissing again (although this had definitely surpassed mere kissing at this point), her eyes wide and pupils blown, chest rising and falling with big breaths.The Doctor tried her best to keep her eyes up and away from where the top two bottoms of Yaz’s blouse had miraculously come undone.Of course she knew that Yaz tended to look even prettier than she usually (always) did in the control room light than anywhere else, but right now the sight of her took the Doctor’s breath away even more.
Her eyes looked dark and golden at the same time as they reflected the light off the crystal pillars, and the shadows danced around her face perfectly, accentuating her dimples, the apple of her cheeks, her strong brows. She looked otherworldly as she lay there underneath her, cushioned on memories.They had spent so much time on this mattress already – always innocent and a respectful distance apart. Always with the Doctor scooting away as soon as she noticed that she’d gotten too close during a fit of restless slumber.The sudden change in, well, everything, gave her whiplash, and she hid her face in Yaz’s neck, hoping she’d find a moment of clarity there.
Not questioning, not hurrying anything along, Yaz instantly wrapped her arms tighter around the Doctor’s shoulders and pressed their bodies back together from head to toe. Her previously wild heartbeat calmed down right there against the Doctor’s nose.Finally, everything sunk away.That voice inside of her that she liked to call reason but was nothing more than self sabotage.The TARDIS.The universe.Time.The only thing left was the love she felt for Yaz, transcending everything. Never stopping.Wasn’t, technically, a heart bursting from love not also a breaking heart?Reluctant, the Doctor pushed herself up once more and watched as Yaz’s eyes fluttered open again, immediately searching for hers.She knew the next words she’d say would hurt and break their hearts again, but she had to make sure that Yaz knew. That she understood.Her voice almost refused to cooperate with her when she whispered into the space between them, “Please tell me you understand that this isn’t a promise of some kind of forever.”“I understand,” came the instant and equally quiet reply, accompanied with soft and understanding eyes and a smile that spoke of years worth of sadness.
The Doctor reached out to cradle Yaz’s cheek in her palm and gently stroked her thumb over the corner of that smile, holding her steady and unwavering gaze the whole time. “But also please, please understand that it’s not cos I don’t want it to be.”“I know that now. But if it’s all we can have, then I’ll happily take it. However far this’ll go or long it’ll last.”Three words got stuck in her throat. Three words Yaz had given her not even an hour ago and the Doctor yet had to return.But she couldn’t. Maybe not yet. Maybe not ever.It wasn’t that they weren’t there – because they were. Whispering in the back of her mind every time she so much as looked at Yaz – , it was merely that they were both said too much and not enough at the same time. That they were so big and yet way too small. The consequences were universe-altering.But she needed to say them. Or something close enough, at least.
“Don’t ever think I don’t–” she broke off, swallowing thickly. Yasmin Khan, I lo– “That I don’t want you, okay? Cos I do. Stars, I do. In so many ways.”It was easier to speak of want than of love, she figured, even if it left a slightly sour tang on the back of her tongue. But Yaz still looked at her with eyes full of wonder and comprehension, piercing right into her soul judging by the pang of something the Doctor felt inside her chest at the intense eye contact.The right corner of Yaz’s lips tugged upwards. “Show me. Just to be sure.”Banishing that last bit of her rational side to the backseat, the Doctor bent down and brushed her lips over Yaz’s. The words were more an exhale of relief and absolution than anything else when they ghosted from her lips to Yaz’s.“Just to be sure.”As it turned out, ‘however far this’ll go’ was determined to go quite far rather quickly.Within what felt like mere seconds, shirts had gone flying, and Yaz’s bra was next in line to go.
The Doctor marvelled at the sight in front of her and allowed herself a moment to take Yaz’s form in. Sure, she had seen her in swimming gear at least twice, but there was something magnificent having her breasts bared to her. Unsurprisingly, the other woman’s hands twitched on the mattress, undoubtedly about to move up and cover her chest, so the Doctor immediately covered them with her own hands where they were lying on the mattress.“Please,” she said quietly. “Let me look at you. Let me commit this to memory.”At that, the tension went out of Yaz’s shoulders, and she nodded weakly. “Okay. But how about making things even and letting me do the same?”The Doctor unceremoniously reached behind her back and pulled the ratty sports bra over her head with one arm without even breaking the intense eye contact she was keeping with Yaz’s chest. The laugh it earned her was worth the slight sting of when the garment had gotten stuck at her ear cuff for a second in the process.Looking didn’t stay enough for long, however, and soon enough the Doctor’s hands started moving. Their first stop was the underside of Yaz’s breasts, fingers gently stroking along the curve of them all the way up her side. Gooseflesh broke out underneath her fingertips, and with no small amount of amazement and hunger she watched as dusky nipples hardened further.Replacing her fingers with her mouth was a no-brainer.Both of them groaned the second the Doctor’s lips closed around Yaz’s left nipple and she began sucking – first gently, then with more zeal when Yaz tightened her hand in her hair again in response.
With her ears strained for any kind of reaction, be it positive or negative, she explored the brunette’s chest with her mouth and hands. She kneaded the soft and giving flesh, flicked her fingers over a nipple before pinching it, nibbled on the skin around the areola (which Yaz seemed to like just as much as the sucking, judging by how she keened and tried to press her chest further into the Doctor’s face).The Doctor only faintly noticed that one of her hands started a search for more skin and was wandering along Yaz’s side, further and further down, until it reached the rough material of her trousers. The strong thighs bracketing her twitched, and without thinking she reached down to squeeze one, relishing in the firmness of the muscle beneath her palm.No matter which part of Yaz she touched or tasted, everything felt absolutely perfect to her.
Suddenly, she was pulled back by her hair (stars, she really liked that), and her mouth detached itself from Yaz’s right breast with a quiet ‘plop’. With eyes dark as coal, Yaz guided her up, and before the Doctor could say anything at all, they were kissing passionately again (she liked that even more).Vaguely aware of Yaz’s blunt nails scratching along her bare back, she arched into the woman underneath her and deepened the kiss until their teeth threatened to knock against each other. Closer wasn’t close enough, though.More. She needed–The Doctor stopped her hand just shy of Yaz’s waistband when the sound of something else became louder than the noises both of them were making in between kissing.Slowly, she tilted her head and rubbed her nose against Yaz’s. “Your heart’s doing some serious double time there. Are you sure you’re alright?”“Course I am!” Yaz shot back instantly, almost affronted. The next second, she shyly looked away to the side. “That’s just… That’s just what happens when you touch me like that.”The Doctor froze, not knowing how to handle that information – or rather the implications of it. As so often, her overwhelm manifested in the form of babbling.“Oh. Right. Of course. You lot with your single heart. Easily agitated, that one.”Luckily, Yaz never held her awkward babbling against her, and this time was no different. The brunette simply started smoothing out the mess she’d made off the Doctor’s hair with a smile.“Didn’t think it were actually possible to hear someone’s heartbeat without putting something to their chest. Even if it’s just your ear.”“It is when you’re not human,” the Doctor explained immediately and not without a hint of pride. “I can actually hear your heartbeat most of the time if you’re not too far away. Like… a few metres are no problem at all, but I gotta concentrate real hard then. Definitely cuts off at around twelve metres. Not that I measured or anything.”Yaz looked at her as if she’d just grown a second head, then the blush on her cheeks deepened. The Doctor instantly wanted to nibble on the apple of her cheek.“So all this time you’ve been listening to me heart almost explode when you looked at me across the console?” Groaning, Yaz covered her face with her hands. “That’s so embarrassing.”Instantly, she tried to pry the hands away with her own while not losing her balance and falling onto Yaz. When she got at least one of Yaz’s eyes looking at her again, she said reverently, “It’s amazing. Beautiful. Not embarrassing. And, to be fair, I didn’t properly understand what it meant until rather recently.” She scrunched up her nose. “Thought you had some cardiac irregularities and that I needed to keep an eye out.”No, she wasn’t proud of taking so long to understand. But then again, she’d been more than busy trying to push down her own feelings. And then of course there was that desperate attempt of shutting everything down especially once she’d known that it was reciprocated.
“Lemme guess: Dan?” Yaz asked, an unreadable expression on her face. Apparently Dan had pestered her too about the elephant in the control room.Shaking her head, the Doctor huffed a dry laugh. Their friend surely was to blame for a lot of emotional turmoil. “The one and only.”Instead of saying something, Yaz snorted disbelievingly and copied her in shaking her head subtly. Then, “I’d rather not talk about him in this… this… right now.”The Doctor could definitely agree on that. She smirked. “What’s it you’d rather do?”“I’d rather you get back to what you’ve been doing two minutes ago,” Yaz shot back, any kind of shyness instantly forgotten.Grinning mischievously, she squeezed Yaz’s thigh, making her shudder. “D’you mean this?” Before the other woman could reply, she closed her lips around a nipple and sucked briefly, earning herself a whimper. “Or this?” Then, boldened by Yaz’s responsiveness, she let her hand wander up from her thigh to trace a finger along the skin right above the button of her trousers, letting it dip below once, twice. “Or this?”Yaz exhaled shakily, eyes only half open when she looked at the Doctor. “Yes.”“That’s not an answer to an or-question, Yaz.”There was a playful swat to her upper arm. “Yes to all of ‘em, idiot!”Matching Yaz’s grin, she briefly rubbed their noses together once more. “Your wish is my command.”As soon as the words were out, the button of Yaz’s trousers sprang open, and the zipper went down just as quickly. Right away, she pushed herself up and sat back on her haunches to both catch another look of all that bare skin and get rid of the tight black garment.
Unsurprisingly, Yaz tried to follow her up with her hands already at the fly of the Doctor’s culottes and her lips honing on whatever bit of pale skin they could reach.The tucked away button popped free before the Doctor had the chance to pry Yaz’s hands away.“Cheeky,” she chuckled, but the end of the word faded into a haughty whine when Yaz first kissed, then licked right up her sternum.Oh, this was distracting. Distracting and stoking at something in her core that she’d ignored in the favour of Yaz’s pleasure. It was tempting to give in to the tingling heat, to put her focus to chasing her own pleasure, but she refused.She needed to have Yaz first, simply because she didn’t know what would happen to her, to both of them, to everything she was keeping locked inside herself if she let Yaz unravel her first.So the Doctor finally took a hold of Yaz’s hands and pulled them away from her fly to slowly guide them onto the sheets. Yaz looked up at her in alarm, instant worry in her eyes that she’d somehow misstepped.Shaking her head and smiling, she gave a quick peck to those sinful lips.“First things first,” she whispered, and with a gentle but firm push to her shoulder, Yaz’s back hit the mattress again.
The brunette replied with something – probably a witty quip, because Yaz was quick and smart like that – , but it got lost somewhere between the Doctor’s ear and her brain thanks to how desperately she needed those trousers to go right now. So desperately, that she simply grabbed the waistband and pulled, not caring that she could potentially yank down more than just them.Yaz squeaked suddenly, and when the Doctor’s eyes instantly shot up from the garment in her hands she ended up staring. Staring and swallowing thickly at the sight of Yaz’s knickers not being where they’d presumably been seconds before. Oh.Right underneath the indents the trousers’ waistband had left on the soft skin of Yaz’s belly sat a trimmed triangle of black hair, covering Yaz’s mound and pointing to–Oh stars, could she already smell her?“I- um. I’m sorry. I didn’t–,” the Doctor stumbled over her own tongue, eyes flitting nervously from Yaz’s eyes to the fabric in her hands to the hint of pink she could make out between Yaz’s legs if she just squinted hard enough. “I mean… they would’ve gone at some point anyway, right?”A dark tinge was colouring the brunette’s cheeks, and her mouth was still opening and closing without a singly word making it out, but the Doctor decided to count it as a win that Yaz wasn’t reaching out and ripping the waistbands out of her hands and pulling them up again.
“You–,” Yaz started, then laughed disbelievingly and covered her eyes with one hand, “– are unbelievable, oh my God.”“That’s a good thing, though, right?”“I guess so. Now quit sitting there and staring and get them properly off me. And then you better take your own trousers off, too, while you’re already at it.”It was said in the same commanding tone that Yaz had used on the night they met, the first time she’d heard the young woman speak, and a shiver raced down the Doctor’s spine at it, albeit not an unpleasant one. Instead of resisting physically or verbally like she usually did when someone tried to order her around, she found herself scrambling around and pulling Yaz’s legs free of the trousers’ confinement.At the same time that the garment landed on the floor with a thud, the Doctor swung her legs over the edge of the mattress to shuffle out of her trousers.She had made it as far as almost pushing the waistband over her knees when the mattress dipped behind her and something very soft but at the same time pointy pressed against her back. It wasn’t hard to figure out that it was Yaz’s breasts, and she bit back a groan – which still managed to get past her lips when Yaz reached around her torso and started kneading the Doctor’s own while at the same time attacking her neck with her teeth.“Un-unfair” was all she got out for a long moment, and embarrassment spread on her cheeks when Yaz simply chuckled and hummed in fake sympathy.As good as it felt and as much as the Doctor wanted to simply lean back and let Yaz devour her, she still couldn’t. Not just because of those deep-seated fears she couldn’t shake off, but because she hadn’t touched and tasted every bit of Yaz yet.
Growling in the back of her throat, she kicked off her trousers and turned around in one fluid movement, throwing herself into Yaz and sending them both back into their previous position; the only difference was that Yaz’s thighs weren’t bracketing her hips anymore, but that the Doctor had one of them between her own.Before she could contemplate the possibilities of that little change in leg arrangement, warm hands ran up and down her thighs and made the sparse blond hairs stand up. At the same time, Yaz quirked an eyebrow at the Doctor’s underwear – whether it was because she was still wearing it or because of her amazing choice of pattern (dinosaurs with astronaut helmets) the Doctor neither knew nor cared for –
but said nothing.It had been too long since she’d kissed Yaz. She needed to rectify that, instantly.As their tongues touched and breaths mingled, her hand began wandering once more, aiming for all those centimetres and inches she hadn’t touched yet. Yaz was doing much the same (with the advantage that she could use both her hands in this position), and within seconds they were both panting between kisses as they grabbed and pulled and pushed at one another.It was only natural that one of the Doctor’s hands was suddenly on the apex of Yaz’s thigh and her thumb brushed the onset of wiry curls there.
Still, they both paused what they were doing immediately, and the Doctor lifted her head from where she’d been kissing and nibbling a path from Yaz’s shoulder up to her ear.They had already crossed more than a dozen lines at this point, but this felt like such a monumental one that she needed to stop for a second and check in.“D’you wan– Are you sure?”
She didn’t know if she was asking that for Yaz’s sake or for her own. Was she sure? Did she–“Please, Doctor. Please touch me.” To emphasise her words, Yaz canted her hips upward and further into the touch, and the Doctor bit back a groan at the small but powerful gesture. Of course she wanted Yaz. Looking into her limpid eyes, reflecting the Doctor’s own want and desire back at her from black pools, there was no mistaking it. Chances were that she’d combust (and possibly regenerate) if she stopped now, so close to feeling all of her.Simply nodding because words were escaping her at this crucial moment, the Doctor dipped her fingers lower, brushing through the patch of coarse hair until everything became warmer and warmer still. Alive in the most burning and marvellous way.At the same time that Yaz gasped, the world stopped.If the Doctor had ever believed in any kind of God, she would’ve muttered a feverish prayer at the first touch of silken and hot wetness. But since she wasn’t religious in any sense of the word, she could do nothing but stare at the sight of her hand between Yaz’s legs and wonder how in the universe she’d deserved this. Her.Her Yaz.Carefully, gently, she used two fingers to run through slick and pulsing folds, down and up again, collecting wetness and spreading it. Yaz’s eyes had fallen closed, and the Doctor watched in awe as shuddering breaths escaped from her parted lips and her chest rose and fell with them.
The strongest reaction yet happened when her fingers nudged against the swollen bundle of nerves on the way up; one of Yaz’s hands flew out to grab the arm with which the Doctor was keeping herself propped up, and her eyes shot open with a surprised moan.“Doctor!”She always loved it when Yaz said her name (maybe a little less when it was called in distress, to be fair), but this was the most beautiful way she’d heard it yet. Instantly needing to know whether it tasted sweeter, too, the Doctor captured the other woman’s lips at the same time that she pressed her fingers down just the slightest bit harder.Yaz jerked under her, their fronts ending up pushed together for a second, and a hand buried itself in blond strands again. For every guttural sound the Doctor stole from Yaz, she gave one right back as the pull on her roots increased.Her fingers were drawing lazy (no, not lazy. Curious. Mapping. Memorising) circles around Yaz's clit when the Doctor found that she needed more. Touching wasn't enough. She needed to experience Yaz in other ways, too.
With a healthy amount of reluctance, she pressed one last kiss to the corner of Yaz's mouth. Then, she wandered lower. Here and there she found one molecule of skin she hadn’t touched before, but those were rare at this point.Yaz keened loudly and bucked her hips when the Doctor practically wrapped her tongue around her nipple before sucking, and her by now pruned up fingers almost dipped further into her. She removed them quickly, just for a second.
It’s not that she didn’t want to sink her fingers into Yaz and feel her pulse around her, no. It was simply that that was something that she felt she needed explicit permission for first, and she was too absorbed in using her mouth in other ways to ask. Also, there was something else she wanted to do first.That didn’t keep Yaz from grumbling about the missed chance of more stimulation, however, and the Doctor happily took that as a sign that the brunette was eager to let her keep exploring.It took a lot of self control to not immediately cover the whole of Yaz’s centre with her mouth once it was within reach, but she forced herself to make a little detour over Yaz’s supple thighs first. Yaz bucked her hips in thinly concealed frustration when it was obvious that she had to keep making do with the movements of the thumb between her folds (the Doctor had been forced to switch out her fingers for her thumb because as much as she wanted them to be, her joints weren’t made out of jelly and didn’t agree with every angle she put them in), but the Doctor refused to be deterred.If she got her will then she’d soon spend a lot of time between those thighs, so getting acquainted with them in great detail was only polite.Being so close, the musky scent of Yaz’s desire was dominating everything. It brought an urgency to the Doctor’s nips and kisses and made her hold onto Yaz’s thigh and sink her teeth in with more force than intended. Luckily, Yaz didn’t seem to mind judging by the sounds falling from her lips, but the Doctor apologetically laved her tongue over the reddening spots nevertheless.But there was only so long she could hold back from going for what she wanted most.Shooting the handful of love bites she had left on both trembling inner thighs a last admiring glance (and decidedly not thinking about the surge of pride and possessiveness the sight elicited), the Doctor sought out Yaz’s eyes.“Yaz, I need– I wanna taste you.” The desperation sitting deep inside her chest bled into every shaky and strained word. “Can I– please, can I ta–”Yaz was quick to interrupt her. “Stars, yes. I think I’ll combust if you don– oh fuck!”She hadn’t expected such a violent reaction when she dove in and swiped her tongue through her compared to that first touch of her fingers, but far was it from the Doctor to complain. Especially when it was accompanied by a fresh wave of wetness right away.With her taste buds being positively overwhelmed with Yaz’s flavour, she could do nothing but moan in return as she flattened her tongue against her and tried to get every single drop. Her thumb abandoned Yaz’s clit, and she quickly wrapped her arms around Yaz’s thighs, pulling her even closer against her face, and used her thumbs to spread her folds open.Shooting a look upwards to check in on Yaz, she found the other woman’s face drawn taut in pleasure. A little nudge to that sensitive bundle of nerves with the tip of the Doctor’s tongue later, and Yaz’s screwed shut eyes opened wide, directly meeting hers.Both women moaned at the emotional connection that came with it.If the Doctor hadn’t been vaguely aware of the possibility for quite some time, and rather recently hadn’t begrudgingly come to the realisation that she was in love with her, she wouldn’t have gotten around accepting the fact that her love for Yasmin Khan had the power to put time to a standstill right now, as all her senses were flooded with this remarkable human she’d been allowed to call her friend for all those years.Thighs clamped around her head and Yaz’s pelvis ground forward, almost smushing her nose in. The moan accompanying the movement was dulled now since her ears were halfway covered, but there was no denying that the increased pressure against her core was in absolute agreement with Yaz.Meanwhile, the Doctor’s instinct told her to pin Yaz’s hips down, to take control like she always did, but instead of tightening her hold on her thighs or abdomen she did the exact opposite: going against her ingrained habits, she simply let her hands rest on the brunette’s body – one where her thigh met her hips and the other right below her navel.
The soft skin was warm underneath her palms, on the verge of becoming slightly damp with sweat.Yaz stilled all of her movements for a second, confusion evident in her eyes about the unexpected change of pace. The Doctor couldn’t even blame her since she was a bit taken aback by her own action (or lack thereof) as well.“Wha–?”But judging by the taste hitting her tongue, her companion wasn’t opposed to the idea of taking control of this situation. The Doctor greedily licked into her and hummed approvingly, closing her eyes demonstratively to get her point across without having to break contact with Yaz’s burning core for even a single millisecond.Fortunately, Yaz had always been quick to understand her.The brunette’s head hit the pillow with a soft thud and the tugging at the Doctor’s scalp increased, as did the rolling movement of Yaz’s hips.
It was tentative at first, but when the Doctor didn’t complain (and why would she?), she quickly gained confidence in chasing her pleasure that way. At the same time, the Doctor flattened her tongue against every bit of her she could reach that way and simply let Yaz grind out against her face.Doing nothing was intoxicating in its own way, she learnt. She didn’t have to worry about doing the right thing, let alone keeping everyone safe; she merely had to be there and let one of the greatest people she’d ever known take what she needed from her.Yaz always had a certain calming effect on her unruly mind, but this was a whole new level. Content with her place, the Doctor felt her general alertness about everything in her vicinity receding bit by bit, lick by lick, moan by moan.That was until Yaz shifted slightly. Instantly, her eyes shot open to make sure that nothing was amiss – which it obviously wasn’t.While one of Yaz’s hands was still residing buried in the Doctor’s hair (would it ever leave its new home there? Frankly, the Doctor wouldn’t mind if it didn’t), the other simply moved to seek out one of the Doctor’s resting on her abdomen. Their fingers slotted together seamlessly.Another wave of emotion washed over her at the gesture, and for a brief second she wondered if she’d accidentally let her telepathic barriers slip and reached out without meaning to. She hadn’t, to her great relief, but then again that also meant that the indescribable and all-consuming feeling inside her chest was all her own.The vehemence of it was terrifying.Something fought its way to the forefront of her mind again, something big and unspeakable.The Doctor might not have been able to say the words, but she was well able to write them – and so she did, moving her tongue with purpose again.In English, in Gallifreyan, in another dozen languages she could remember at this moment; there was nothing but the constant thought of I love you I love you I love you on her mind while Yaz writhed and rolled her hips against her.“Doctor, I–”The choked off groan interrupted her just as she was trying to come up with another handful of languages that had the same ring to them like the sound of Yaz’s laughter. The Doctor opened her eyes to not miss a single bit of what was hopefully about to happen.The grip on her hand tightened, as did the one on her hair. The flesh against her ears started tensing and trembled even further. A fresh wave of wetness hit her tongue, tasting slightly different than before.Without an ounce of hesitation, the Doctor squeezed Yaz’s hand back and diverted her attention to her clit. As soon as she started sucking at the nub, Yaz arched her back with a deep groan. It took all but two more dedicated sucks before the brunette went completely rigid, her whole body strung taut.There was no sound coming from Yaz apart from a broken exhale, but the gush of wetness hitting the Doctor’s chin and the distinct pulsing against her lips were evidence enough of what had just happened. Greedily, the Doctor moved her mouth down a bit to lap up what she could of her come.
One last shudder went through the young woman, then she went limp and slumped on the mattress; even her iron grip on the Doctor’s scalp turned lax.Silence – not counting laboured breathing and the ship’s constant hum – spread out as the Doctor gently licked her clean, closing her eyes and purring when Yaz clumsily tried to straighten out her now messy hair between little twitches of overstimulation.Sooner than the Doctor would’ve liked, the brunette gently nudged a finger against her forehead and signalled her to let up that way. With a pout, she acquiesced and rested her cheeks against Yaz’s love bite riddled thigh since she refused to move away and let this moment pass already.
There was so much she wanted to do to and with the other woman, wanted to feel her pulse around her fingers, her tongue, maybe go down even further if Yaz allowed it – she simply wanted to satisfy and give her everything she could want or need from her body for as long as she could.When she dared risk a look up again, she was met with eyes shining with raw emotion, and it almost knocked the breath not only out of the Doctor’s lungs but her respiratory bypass, too.
“Can you come up, please?” Yaz asked, her voice hoarse, and the Doctor found herself moving before she’d even given her body the command.
She took her time, though.
All that brown and soft skin still begged to be kissed and tasted, the molecules catalogued and assessed anew now that there was a faint layer of sweat in the mix, and she was determined to keep her records of Yaz’s body in peak condition right from the start. All in the name of science and posterity.She barely remembered to wipe her damp chin on her forearm before she bent down to kiss her. Warm hands instantly cradled her face, and the brunette managed to draw a whimper out of her with the eagerness in which she licked into her mouth, for all it was worth seeming like she was searching for the last remnants of her own taste on the Doctor’s tongue.The effect that it had on her was an undebatable reminder that, while having had her mouth on the most intimate of Yaz’s parts, kissing her would always be the top favourite thing to do from now on.
They parted slowly, interspersed with little pecks, and the Doctor found herself caught in that icecap-melting look of Yaz’s again.
How in the universe had she ever managed to resist for that long?The words tumbled out before she knew it. “Were that okay?”The left corner of Yaz’s lips quirked upward and a spark of mirth danced across her irises. “What? The kiss? You eating me out? Letting me say my piece on the beach?” What a woman, the Doctor thought with a quiet snort, then shook her head.
“I guess all of it.”“So much more than okay. All of it.”Relieved, she let herself almost drop completely onto Yaz, but used just about enough of her momentum to only land on her with half of her body, one leg between Yaz’s and one arm slung around her torso, right underneath her breasts. The thrum of her single heart was more calming than it should be, and suddenly the Doctor found her list of things to do to Yaz retreating to the background and making way for the undefeatable need to hold and be held.When Yaz started drawing lazy patterns onto her arm – was one of them saying I love you ? – , she finally gave in and nuzzled the side of Yaz’s cheek before letting her head drop onto the pillow, at last. A content sigh pushed past her lips, making the other woman shiver subtly and tighten her hold on her.Was this what peace of mind was meant to feel like?
Unexpectedly, something wet touched her nose, and her head shot up in alarm. Panic gripped her heart when she found damp streaks running down the side of Yaz’s cheeks, and her preliminary peace of mind went right out of the TARDIS door.“Yaz! What’s wrong? Did I hurt you? Do you regret it? Why’re you crying? What–”Swimming eyes met her own, and Yaz snorted after a beat of silence. Actually snorted.“I could ask you the same questions.”The Doctor frowned. Frankly, she was completely lost now. Nothing made sense.Sensing her distress as always, Yaz gently touched a finger to the Doctor’s cheek – it came back with a distinct liquid sheen to its pad.
Oh.
She was crying, too.
How hadn’t she noticed? How was it possible that she could still see all of Yaz’s features clear as day when logic demanded her eyes to be covered with a damp and sight distorting veil?There was probably an illogical and sappy answer to the latter, but she refused to indulge that side of herself now (she’d indulged it way too much in the past few hours). Right now she needed to focus on whatever was wrong.“I don’t know why I’m crying. I swear I’m alright. More than, actually.”Bright light shone back at the Doctor from tear-filled eyes, and Yaz’s until then timid smile broadened considerably. A short and blubbering laugh broke free from the woman underneath her, and only a second later the Doctor found herself pulled down again to meet Yaz’s full lips.As their noses were smushed together, the Doctor still found nothing she could make sense of, but with Yaz holding her close and smiling against her lips, their kisses a bit uncoordinated and clumsy, she found that it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. It actually felt perfectly right.If their tears mingled in the process, then the Doctor was fine with it, too. In a tragic way, it was beautiful to know that they were intertwining and merging in this way as well.It would’ve been easy to use this as starting point for a second round and postponing getting to the emotionality of what they had opened themselves – especially the Doctor – up to, but the second the Doctor found one of her hands wandering along Yaz’s side again and Yaz’s hip twitching in response, they both slowed down until their deep kisses became loving and playful pecks.Almost like a knee-jerk reaction, she moved to nuzzle Yaz’s damp cheek and kiss the last remainder of tears away, being so thorough and purposefully overbearing that the other woman began squealing and half-heartedly pushing at her.Still, that didn’t mean that Yaz let her get far away. Looking up at her, Yaz brushed a sweaty strand away from the Doctor’s forehead and tucked it behind her ear, gingerly running her finger along the shell of it. Her voice was quiet and pensive when she spoke up.“I guess it’s all just a lot to digest, innit?”That was one way of putting it. The Doctor’s brain certainly ran with it immediately, unfortunately to darker places than the cosily lit control room of her home.“I’m sorry if I were too much and–” She was instantly silenced with a finger to her lips and a stern look.“I said a lot, not too much. Nothing’s ever too much with you.” Smiling gently, adoringly, Yaz wiped at the Doctor’s cheek again. “Apart from your tendency to shut me out, I guess. But I got the feeling that things might finally get better in that department from now on.”Sighing, the Doctor allowed herself to finally abandon her towering position and let herself fall back to the side onto the mattress, right next to Yaz. It took all but two seconds for their bare legs to entangle and Yaz’s arm to wrap around her waist.She pressed her forehead against Yaz’s – not just because she was seeking the intimate contact, but also because that way they were too close to look into each other’s eyes. Despite what they’d just shared – physically and emotionally – , she was still a coward through and through.“I can’t promise, but I’ll try, okay?”“I know. I’ll take it.”That was Yasmin Khan for you, the Doctor figured as she screwed her eyes shut against the pain (and love) inside her chest. Always satisfied with taking what was given to her, even when she deserved so much more.Not knowing what else to do, she cradled Yaz’s cheek and tilted her head forward just enough to kiss her sweetly. Her voice was hoarse – not just from kissing – when she said:“I meant it when I said that I wanna tell you everything. Even if I did quite a poor job of actually following through with it so far.”Yaz snorted before she fell silent again for a moment that grasped at infinity. Then, unexpectedly, the Doctor felt the fingers at her back digging in and the brunette purposefully nudging her nose against hers.
“That’s something to deal with later, yeah? There’s something way more important to do first.”“Huh?” She was a bit confused now, especially with the shift in Yaz’s tone.The other woman pulled away so she could look at the Doctor again, her expressive eyebrows raised high in an amused manner. “Well, did you actually think that this was it? That I’m just gonna let you make me come and be done with it? Nuh-uh. I got you here with me, in a way I never allowed myself to believe I’d get– with one piece of clothing on too much” – she teasingly snapped the waistband of the Doctor’s boxers – “I might say. I wanna get to know you the same way you got to know me.” She paused for a moment, but when the Doctor didn’t immediately say anything, her eyes widened and she added, “If you want that, of course. Cos if not then that’s alright, too. I’d never force you t–”Now it was Yaz’s turn to have a finger pressed to her lips.
The Doctor aimed for shooting this more than brilliant woman in her arm the most genuine and reassuring smile she had in her repertoire. “I want to, I do. Just… gimme a mo’? This type of vulnerability doesn’t come easy to this me, as you have noticed. Me body’s very much on board with it, but me head… It were nice to get to ignore it for a little while, but all those thoughts an’ worries are fighting their way back and–” She broke off with a heavy sigh.Subconsciously seeking comfort, she shuffled closer and buried her face into one of her new favourite places: Yaz’s neck.The arm around her torso tightened, accompanied by tentative strokes up and down her back and Yaz carefully wiggling her left arm out from underneath the Doctor’s head so she could gently scratch the back of her neck and skull.The brunette shifted to first kiss her forehead and then let her lips rest there as she murmured, “That’s alright. Just tell me if or when you’re ready, and I’ll take care of you, promise.”The Doctor smiled into the warm skin right in front of her and breathed in the heady mix of sex, sweat, and simply Yaz, while her hearts slowly but steadily began feeling lighter than they had ever done since her last regeneration.“You always do, Yasmin Khan.”