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“What is it, Anna?” he asked, when they had driven a few hundred yards.
“It’s an omen of evil,” she said.
“What nonsense!” said Stepan Arkadyevitch. “You’ve come, that’s the chief thing. You can’t conceive how I’m resting my hopes on you.”
Alec walked down the pavement and kicked a small rock. Just like the guard in "Anna Karenina'' got hit by the train, it ended up under the wheels of a car passing by. The wind howled and the hood of his jacket fell off and ruffled his hair. The light of streetlights blinded him.He removed the headphones. Listening to an audiobook after a tiring day was a mistake. He discerned only some details but didn't pay full attention to the general plot for the second chapter in a row.Across the pavement strode a man. Right to the roadway. From behind approached a threatening humming of a car. The man didn't look around at all. Alec sprinted towards him. The man's foot was already on the road.Alec grabbed the sleeve of his jacket. The car was screeching, trying to slow down the speed. Dragged him to the pavement. Two cars flashed by, from one of them came a loud scared, "Fucker."The man clung to his jacket, breathing hastily. He smelt of booze. Drunk. He peered at the roadway as if it was an abyss that threatened to swallow him.His heart thudded but Alec managed to calm down a little. "Are you out of your fucking mind?" Maybe, screaming at a person who had almost died a few moments before wasn't very considerate but Alec's hands itched from fury. "You at least look around before crossing the road!"The man only clung tighter to him and muttered half-inaudibly, "I know. But please don't scream at me. I've heard enough of it today." He was shivering and, probably, if it were not for Alec, whom he was holding on to, he would have crumpled to the ground.Alec examined their surroundings, there was a park near. They could find a bench there."Follow me."The man complied and followed him. The palm was wet from sweat and squeezed firmly.When they sat down on the bench, the stranger wrapped himself around Alec’s body. Modesty wasn’t among his virtues, so it seemed. Or he still didn’t come to his senses and sought something to lean on.“You snuggle so trustingly,” chuckled Alec. “Aren’t you afraid I might be a serial killer? There is nobody in the park.”The man recoiled and stood up hastily.“Hold on, hold on, I am joking,” Alec threw hands in the air in a defensive gesture.The man sat down on the other side of the bench hesitantly. Alec was a little disappointed by that. His mussed hair framed a gorgeous smooth face, brown eyes, still a bit scared, but magnetizing. The stranger folded his arms on his lap. And Alec saw an engagement ring on his finger. Alec wanted to throw up from himself.“It’s not safe for you to commute on your own in that state,” he said. “This time no tragedy happened but it would be better to call a taxi.”The man nodded and took out a phone. He dialed the number and informed Alec that the car should arrive in ten minutes. An awkward silence sat between them. Alec resisted the urge to turn his head at the unknown man who with a forced interest watched a bird pecking something from the grass that started to turn yellow and fade.“You had a conflict in the family?” inquired Alec.The man gulped and after a moment nodded. “Nothing serious. As of late we argue quite often.”Sounded very much like his family before. Like his mother and father before.“You don’t want to talk about it?”A shake the head.“Then can I at least ask what your name is?”“Magnus,” he at last lifted his chin and properly looked at Alec. “And yours?”“Alexander, but please call me Alec.”“Okay. You have a beautiful name.”Now Alec averted his gaze. “Yours too.”The conversation struggled. They probably should wait for a taxi in silence. Alec could obviously walk away, Magnus was a grown man and was perfectly able to get to his house on his own. But the thought of leaving him still drunk and open to attack from somebody dangerous made Alec sit still. So he did the thing he always did when he needed to spend the time. He took out of the bag a copy of “Anna Karenina”.The man assessed the book. "Can you read to me?" asked Magnus. "I want to keep my mind off from what happened.""Okay." Alec opened the book with crumpled corners on the first page. "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.""Positive start," commented Magnus, resting his head on Alec's shoulder. "What is this book?""You must have heard about it, 'Anna Karenina'. Probably something about a woman who died under the wheels of a train after she cheated on her husband. But there's more to this book than this simple summary."Magnus sighed for some reason. "Yes, I do recall it."It was getting dark and hard to discern the letters. Streetlights didn’t work for some reason. Twenty minutes passed, but the taxi hadn’t arrived. Magnus made another call and was said that his car was stuck in the traffic jam.“Seems like reading won’t be possible anymore,” sighed Alec and put the book in the bag.“I don’t understand…” muttered Magnus.“What?”“We have read five chapters and there is no Anna. Only Oblonskys, Levin. Where is she? Isn’t this book about her? I saw the movie but can’t remember any Levin guy.”Alec guffawed. “God! The movies changed everything!” he exclaimed. “They are the reason why everybody is sure that Anna and Vronsky dance waltz at the ball. But Vronsky danced a waltz with Kitty!”“Then what do they dance?” asked Magnus incredulously. He raised an eyebrow with interest but maybe Alec just made it up because there wasn’t enough light. Even the moon hid behind the clouds.“Mazurka! During this dance, they commonly talked about feelings and confessed love and want to marry. This is why Kitty was waiting for Vronsky to invite her! And he, not even realizing it, betrays her and chooses Anna.”“But what’s the difference? Dance is a dance. Who cares what type they used in the movie adaptation?”Alec huffed. “I care! It doesn’t fit the historical period, firstly, secondly, it wasn’t like this in the book! It’s all just for a showy scene because the waltz is more intimate and close. But waltz wasn’t the time to confess your feelings!”Magnus laughed unashamedly.“What’s so funny?”“Your anger at the fact that the movie had changed the book slightly is hilarious. You remind me of my friend. She loves watching bad historical dramas and book adaptations with the intention to point out all the inaccuracies and discrepancies between the book and the film.The moon emerged from the clouds and a sparkle appeared in Magnus’ eyes that hadn’t been here before.“But it’s important!” almost whined Alec. “Authors don’t include details just to show off. If the author is decent, then every detail should serve the plot.”“You’re just like Tessa!” It was probably that criticizing friend of his. “She too insists that any detail is relevant. And when I say that an author could add a detail without giving it a second thought, just for fun, she resents. I don’t get it, judging by your logic, authors have an idea that if they insert an insignificant detail, they would come across as a genius.”Alec exhaled and grabbed his own arm so that he didn’t seem too obsessed and emotional.“No, only pretentious idiots do that. What I, and possibly your friend, mean is that mindlessly filling a book with useless details won’t make a book smart. No book is smart, by the way. What is important is how these details characterize the character, the setting, etc. Take mazurka, for example. It’s not just a dance. It’s the embodiment of Kitty’s hopes and illusions regarding Vronsky. And the moment he chooses Anna, the woman she looked up to and aspired to be like her, over her, her world ruins. She sees the truth. That Vronsky doesn’t care about her and doesn’t want marriage, they are too different. That Anna is not that perfect and noble. It’s a little detail and, yes, a simple reader won’t get anything from it. But when you try to dig deeper, you find a layer of new meanings and symbols. This is what a good detail is.“And the color of the tuxedo’s color doesn’t mean anything, that’s true. If it fits the person, from what fabric it’s made, that’s what really matters. It straight out of the gates shows if this person is used to the social class they dress like, how much is their salary. Not saying bluntly that a character is rich or famous, an author can tell the reader it through the meticulous row of details.”Alec inhaled deeply, trying to catch his breath after a few minutes of babbling. “Excuse me, books are my passion so to speak.”"No, no," Magnus waved his hands dismissively. "I never approached it from that point of view. But it's quite interesting," he rested his chin on his palm. "From now on I shall pay more attention to these little details.""I doubt you would be able to do it right away."Magnus furrowed. "Why?" he asked, a little upset.“I don’t say you will never be able to do it. But it is hard for us to grasp the meaning oflittle details and characteristics of society in books that were written even twenty years ago, let alone those from the nineteenth century. It requires serious preparation and a wide knowledge of the time. Make no mistake, I am so smart and got to the root of mazurka all by myself, no, I read about it in some analysis that wasn’t even about ‘Anna Karenina’.”Magnus glared at him and was ruminating over something.A car arrived at the park gates.“This is mine I guess,” Magnus got up from the bench. “Thank you for helping me to pass the time.”Alec followed suit. “It was a pleasure meeting you.”Magnus bit his lip, then looked at him with determination. “Can I have your number?.”That took Alec aback and he turned his gaze to Magnus’ ring finger. “Look, I understand that you have problems in your family but don’t you think that…”“No, no!” he exclaimed. "You got it wrong! I just enjoyed your company very much. Talking to you was so easy and informal, I haven't had such a joyous time having a conversation in a while. I have no ulterior motives, I swear!" he almost begged.Alec questioned whether this was a good idea but, truth be told, he rarely found himself in such a pleasant company. But the possibility that Magnus might have some hidden motives stayed real.“Okay,” he agreed nevertheless.Magnus snapped his fingers with excitement and reached out his phone to Alec. When he received a message “It was a joy to meet you. Magnus” and a purple emoji heart, they exchanged goodbye and Magnus weightlessly and with his shoulders straightened marched to the car.It occurred to Alec that this confidence and easiness suited him better than being stoop and sulky.And also that he got in deep trouble.* * *Magnus: Why is this book so painfully heterosexualMagnus: I'm in heterosexual hellAlec: oh i assure youAlec: you get to the part when kitty meets varvaraAlec: nothing heterosexual detectedMagnus: Okay, I'll trust you on thatMagnus: But I'm so sorry for Dolly. She still loves this man even though he cheated on her and he doesn't even feel slightest remorseMagnus: It is disgusting how he says that a fling can be excused by a several years of marriageMagnus: And nobody even judges himAlec: i wouldn't be able to love sb who did this. she's kinda dumbAlec: and later she forgives him and gives him sort of a carte-blanche to keep cheatingMagnus: Alec, you shouldn't judge people. Life's not easy like thatMagnus: And please don't say that you are victim blaming her. She did everything that was expected of her and Stiva didn't appreciate it no matter what he claims. Even if you are not satisfied with your marriage, cheating is not an excuseMagnus: He could at least discuss it with herAlec: well getting divorced at that time wasn't a piece of cake it would be described laterAlec: and I'm sorry for blaming her I didn't realizeAlec: the cheater and the person they cheat with are always at faultMagnus: Alec, you still approach this topic only from one side. As I said, life is rarely easy like that.Alec felt there was something personal behind his words. Magnus was too defensive. But it was not his place to dig deeper.Alec: okayAlec: whateverAlec: but tolstoy really can't write heterosexual relationships and make me root for themAlec: i still think that the whole war and peace was mary and natasha's hate to love story they didn't need these stupid menAlec: don't even get me started on nikolai's crush on the emperorAlec: and I will never get over the fact that war and peace's abbreviation is wapMagnus didn't reply for a minute.Magnus: DJKSDSDFHJVKSDLASKDCJKDKDLFVKDMagnus: THIS IS THE BEST THING I'VE SEEN IN MY LIFEAlec's face turned into a stupid smile.Alec: what moment r u reading nowMagnus: Anna's arrival in St PetersburgMagnus: Also I don't understand why a lot of them have English nicknames?? Dolly is Darya, right?Alec: I'm not sure but maybe it's because english culture was popular and they wanted to be its partMagnus: Oh, okayMagnus: Well, I'm gonna resume reading, I must be disturbing youAlec: no no it's no problem at all!But Magnus didn't reply and Alec had to stop avoiding doing his work.“Are you chatting with your boyfriend,” at Lily’s words Alec nearly dropped his phone.“No! He is just a friend!”Why was he explaining it? He didn’t do anything wrong.“Certainly,” she smirked, “and your red face is very plausible.”“It’s just hot here!”"Alec, it's autumn and too late to fuss over hot weather. And I advise you not to wear three layers of sweater, our office has good heating.""You have a lunch break now, right? Well, then go and eat," grumbled Alec.Lily victoriously strode from his desk.Alec leant back in his chair and pricked the skin on his thumb with the nail. A sting of pain. Shit. Pricked too deep.From the computer screen an arrogant and chin-up face examined him. Camille Belcourt. Her book was released not so long ago. Another model claimed to have written a book full of scandalous revelations after a public house offered her a generous fee for letting their copywriter to type everything and just put her name on it so that the book would sell better. Never in his life would Alec believe that she had even sat in front of a keyboard. Her greatest labor was talking for a few hours about herself to the voice recorder. But he had to admit it was at least not painful to read. Progress.Alec had read it twice, thank God it was short and had a lot of photos. When you didn’t have much to say but had to fill the arranged number of pages, photos, shamelessly taken from Instagram, came to rescue.When Alec at first imagined the career of a literary journalist, reviewing new popular books and having interviews with authors came to mind. And nobody could say he was wrong. His work really entailed all of these. The insignificant difference was the fact that he wasn't interviewing Donna Tartt, but talked with some models and amateur singers who claimed that they told the truth about their biography and behind the scenes. The truth you could read in Wikipedia without any problem and need to spend a few dozen dollars on a book. But they presented it like it was a God's gift that allowed them to see every dark side of their inner self and understand that popularity comes with consequences.If any of them really ventured to do so, Alec would be the first to read it. But alas, they revealed no secrets, only wrote trivial advice that all that it took to become famous was believing in your strength and aim for your goal. About the daily and nightly toil, ability to present yourself in the right light, a great deal of relationships with mighty people they were reasonably silent. Because all of this wouldn’t matter if fortune didn’t grace you with its attention.But the interview had to be taken so Alec diligently scrolled through the Wiki page. Sure, the list of questions had been sent to him beforehand, what topics were prohibited, to what questions Camille was going to give the same answer for a thousand time, but he couldn’t come unprepared. At least somebody had to do their work.Alec: I hate my jobMagnus responded surprisingly fast.Magnus: happens to all of us. Is something wrong?Alec: I'm interviewing an unpleasant woman tomorrowMagnus: don't judge people until you meet them in person. By the way, what's her name?Alec: Camille BelcourtThe reply didn't come for quite some time. Maybe Magnus didn't know who she was and googled her name to get some information.Magnus: so you are a journalist?Alec: yeah, write about literatureMagnus: coolMagnus: and how is it? You write about newly published books?Alec: yesAlec: sadly, I don't interview Steven KingMagnus: I assumed it was what literary journalists doAlec: I was as naive too but my hopes were crashedMagnus sadSuch dry messages didn’t feel like Magnus’. They had been chatting for a week and mostly about “Anna Karenina” but Alec noticed right away that he used too many emojis and spoke elaborately.Alec decided to change the topic.Alec: how's reading going?Magnus: I'm reading a ball scene. Still don't see the difference between mazurka and waltz. Not in the cultural context, but in terms of how it is danced.Alec: *rub hands excitedly*Alec: watch a video with dancing waltz and mazurka. The difference can be seen clearly.Alec: while dancing waltz, partners stand close to each other, it's quite an intimate dance. I guess this is why every film adaptation, easier to show chemistry between characters.Alec: I still don't excuse this tho!Magnus: okay, fine, you convinced me.Magnus: and why didn't you tell me about Kitty's crush on Anna?Magnus: "Kitty had been seeing Anna every day; she adored her, and had pictured her invariably in lilac. But now seeing her in black, she felt that she had not fully seen her charm. She saw her now as someone quite new and surprising to her. Now she understood that Anna could not have been in lilac, and that her charm was just that she always stood out against her attire, that her dress could never be noticeable on her. And her black dress, with its sumptuous lace, was not noticeable on her; it was only the frame, and all that was seen was she—simple, natural, elegant, and at the same time gay and eager."Magnus: This does not speak straight to meAlec chuckled and sent three laughing emojis.Alec: well, I’m not the biggest Anna’s fanAlec: as I said, she saved Kitty but the way she treats her husband is revolting. he wasn’t as bad as she made him out to be and didn’t deserve itAlec: I get it you think that everyone has their reasons but when you reach that moment, you will understand.He expected Magnus to defend his opinion. Even though Alec didn't agree with him on a lot of matters, Magnus often had a point.Magnus: I will believe you. But, considering how painstakingly the characters are written at this point, I doubt itAlec almost sent him a message about Alexey Alexandrovich but Magnus didn’t let him do it.Magnus: I have to excuse myself. My son flat out refuses to eat carrots so I have to leave you now.Magnus: good luck tomorrow at the interview.Son? He had a son? But… his appearance was so young. No more than twenty five. Then how old was he? And how long was he married? How old was the child?Alec had an urge to slap himself. Their marriage didn’t concern him. They knew each other for no more than a week. An insignificant amount of time. Magnus had no obligation to share details about his personal life, as was Alec.The phone buzzed.Izzy: slacking off workAlec: you are disturbing meIzzy: semanticsIzzy: I have a favor to ask of youAlec: what favor?Izzy: Simon is sickAlec: I still won't give him Neil Gaiman's autographIzzy: even if I had an incurable sickness and the only way to save me was giving it to me?Alec: noAlec: give the phone back to Izzy, you are ill, so I was toldIzzy: no, he’s really sickIzzy: and he won’t get better before the thirteenthAlec pursed his lips. On October 13 his sister had a fashion show and Simon was supposed to accompany her. It was her first big fashion show and she could use any support available. If he had to, he would break into the building but hug her before she went to the runaway.Alec: naturally I will go with youIzzy: actually jace agreed I just wanted to ask you not to get offendedAlec rolled his eyes.Alec: I’m surrounded by traitorsIzzy: really? you will really come? you don’t have to, I know such events are not enjoyable to youAlec: Izzy, for you I went to buy a dress on the Black Friday sale so that you won’t get crushed in the crowd, you think I can’t manage some fashion show?Izzy: thank you!Izzy: thank you!Izzy: thank you!Izzy: thank you!Alec: is your phone glitching?Izzy: I’m just expressing my gratitude to the best brother!Izzy: don’t say this to Jacce or he’ll stop giving his pistachio ice creamAlec: well, I won’t be giving you mine from now onIzzy: not a big loss I hate banana ice cream anywayAlec: last time when you gobbled up yours and we didn’t it didn’t seem soIzzy: what about tomorrow’s interview? bring me some juicy facts that won’t meet the official article!Izzy: for example, if they have a secret basement where they hide virgins and drink their blood. I want to be as fresh when I’m in my thirties!Alec: “their”?Izzy: and you say you do your job. Camille is married to Magnus BaneAlec: this name tells me nothingIzzy: for your information his collection I will wear next Saturday!Izzy: you you had to stumble upon their photos together, they look like godsAlec: thank you I’ll passMagnus… An odd coincidence. But people name their children all sorts of things nowadays. He once heard that a person was almost named D-503 after a character from a book. Alec wasn’t opposed to naming his kids after book characters, not in the slightest, in fact, if it were up to him, all his kids would have the nicknames of the characters of “The Gray House”. And something told him that naming a kid Blind or Grasshopper wasn’t normal either.* * *Jace: can you do me a favor?Alec: Clary is ill and you want me to go with you in her steadJace: thank god no! I don't want to marry my own brotherAlec: hey! I'm not that badAlec: WAIT WHATJace: was it that unpredictable? I guess it was bc you pushed your limits and pressed the Caps Lock button to express your surpriseAlec: I hate me siblingsJace: shit, and whi will be my best man at my wedding if not youAlec: WHAT WEDDINGJace: on ordinary one, I don't want anything excessiveAlec: and Clary agreed to this? WowJace: well she doesn't know yetAlec: throwing a wedding and putting them before the fact is my idea! Come up with something elseJace: no I meant that I didn't propose yetAlec: and what are you waiting for????Jace: if only Alec in the beginning of our relationshipAlec: STOP ALREADYJace; three Caps Locks in a row I probably should shut upAlec: exactlyJace: you need to help me out with the choice of a ring. I could do it myself butAlec: I know nothing about ringsJace: neither do I but I need help and criticismAlec: although I’m aware that you can’t criticize and become biased the moment you enter the store. everything that concerns you is the table “exit”Jace: will you come with me?Alec: sureJace: you are the best brother! don’t tell Max thisJace: good luck a the interview and bring me some juicy factsAlec: get in the line after IzzyJace: only for my sweet and only sister!“We arrived,” said the driver.Alec paid and got out of the car. Behind the white fence a white three-storey building with colonnade, upholding the portico roof, stood. Royals, okay.Alec rang the bell. The gates pulled open and a doorman in a smart gray suit led him to the house. In the swimming pool there was no water because the winter was approaching. But Alec assumed they had another one inside. Such a big house couldn't be stuffed only with bedrooms and big living rooms.“I will answer the door, no need to bother!” From inside Alec heard a sweet voice. Oddly familiar. Maybe in a film, maybe in a series, maybe…The door swung open. On the threshold stood a man in a blue suit. Familiar pair of brown wide eyes. His mouth dropped open but he only could make some incoherent sounds. Alec was no better.Alec leant on the wall, fearing his legs would deny him. What was he doing here? Alec’s gaze darted across Magnus’ face, frozen in a scared surprise.“Bapak!” a child's voice came from the house. “Who is this?” A boy scowled and clung to Magnus’ leg. He inspected Alec closely, scrunching up his face.“He’s…” tried Magnus. “He’s…”Alec wanted to sarcastically say, “Yes, Magnus, who am I?” but instead he blurted out, “What is happening?”“Magnus, darling, why are you stuck at the threshold?” asked a woman’s voice, under its surface calmness an irritation could be distinguished.Long fair locks fell on Magnus’ face when Camille approached him and her red manicured and sharp nails clawed into his arm.“I get it that you are an interviewer?” she addressed Alec. Her eyes tested him despite her welcoming smile.“Yes,” confirmed Alec firmly.Magnus looked at him like prey at a hunter. Waiting for his further actions. Would he shoot or let him live?“Then come in,” Camille took a step back, inviting him.Alec was escorted to the living room by a housemaid. He sat down in a chair. From the hallway he heard the voices.“Me and Max should go up to not disturb I guess?” Magnus asked.“No,” Camille cut off softly. “Don’t you want to support me?”“Yes, I do but you said yesterday that-”“I didn’t say anything like that yesterday,” she interrupted. “It’s a very important interview and you, as a good husband, should stay back and be supportive.”“But you are good at it yourself,” limply defended Magnus. “I also had plans to work on-”"So you imply that your work is more important than me, your wife?" demanded Camille.Magnus yielded. "No, sure not."“Then come with me,” dragged him into the living room.Alec sat down in the chair in front of them, Camille put her head on her husband’s shoulder. Magnus raised his eyebrow in a question as if such a simple gesture was out of ordinary. But beamed at even this crumple of care.“Shall we start?” offered Alec and, when Camille nodded, he turned on the voice recorder. “I presume we should discuss the process of writing the book first, do you mind?”“No, not at all.”"How long did it take you to finish the book?"About four months. I'm a pretty busy woman, shoot for quite a many famous fashion brands, and recently took up acting. But between all of this I could find time to write. And my husband helped me here and there."Magnus nodded more from a necessity than agreeing. He under no pretext looked Alec’s way."What was the hardest part of writing process?" such trivial questions."I suppose revealing the darkest sides of my career."Yeah, like buying this mansion, for example. Must have been very tiring. It's not a revelation if it could be read on any website with biography.Alec said nothing in a tactful manner."In your book you mention that getting married influenced your life drastically. How did you meet… Mr. Bane?" For the first time since the interview began Magnus gave him a look. There was something vulnerable and… broken in his features."Magnus, darling." Maybe it was just Alec's opinion nobody asked for but this automatic endearment had no attachment or tenderness. "Want to share?""Oh, so you don't remember?" Magnus sniggered, hiding his smiling face behind his palm. His posture relaxed. This was the person Alec had talked with and the park and texted morning through night, sincere and carefree."Or maybe it is you who don't remember?" reproached Camille.Magnus cowered, desperately trying to become smaller."No, no, sweetheart," he said in a intimidated voice. "It was the time when we had only started our separate careers. It was my first more or less big fashion show. I was dead nervous."“You are incorrigible, Magnus, talk about yourself on and on,” tutted Camille.“Yeah,” he stammered, “so Camille was one of the hired models. She had a dress on that was designed from scratch by me only. And even though I never met her before that day, it fit her like it was made specifically for her. Like some higher force guided me. It must have been destiny,” he forced a smile. Too sugar coated. And Camille had her chin up proudly and absorbed the praise, taking it as a given.“Thank you, darling,” she rubbed his cheek and Magnus followed her touch like a cat seeking to be petted. “You are not so bad yourself. Just a few wrinkles on your cute face,” he pulled away and touched his face frantically, seeking any imperfection. “Don’t fuss about it, I only said the thing nobody else would have told you.”Alec rolled his eyes. Madhouse. And there are ten more questions of this sort.“Can we move on to the next question?” he asked, not very subtle and the stream of insults towards Magnus stopped. He looked at him gratefully. But Alec pointedly averted his gaze and focused on Camille fully and Magnus lowered his head. Childish? Probably, but Alec had a right to be upset. Magnus was aware of the situation yesterday, so why didn’t he tell him?* * *"Alec, stop checking your phone every five minutes."Alec turned to Jace.Five days had passed and Magnus didn't get in touch. No word about the interview or "Anna". Alec didn't want to text first. It was Magnus who didn't tell him anything and he had a right to expect answers.“He didn't t respond?” asked Jace when they came into the jewelry store.“Who?”“Your boyfriend.”“I don’t have a boyfriend!”“Your suitor?” suggested Jace.“We’re friends!”“Okay, okay, just don’t scream, people are looking our way suspiciously,” a shop assistant examined them with a furrowed expression. “He’s your friend, fine. What happened?”“Didn’t we come here to choose a ring?”But Jace gave him no chance to change the topic."I'm good at multitasking."Alec clutched his stomach, pretending to be on the edge of throwing up.“So what’s the deal?” They approached the showcase with rings.“You won’t leave me alone, right?”“No,” he grinned."Well," Alec bent to the showcase, " he didn't tell me something important. I'm waiting for him to contact me and explain everything."Jace in his usual fashion didn't start to attack him with questions to inquire about who this mysterious man was. Alec liked him for this. For respecting boundaries."But why don't you write him yourself?" He asked a shop-assistant to take out three rings he liked."But it wasn't my fault!" defended himself Alec."Judging by what you said, no. But sometimes giving up your pride and making a first step to making up is better even if you aren't at fault. Maybe he thinks that you won't talk with him again. If he offended you deeply then you are free to demand an explanation but you could at least try to understand his point of view."Alec watched him assessing rings. He couldn’t demand from Magnus to be level with him as they only knew each other for about a month, give or take. When he touched the doorknob to leave, Magnus stood in the corner, hands clasped behind his back and mouth open to say something. But he gave Alec nothing besides a simple and short “Goodbye, Alexander. Travel safe” and went up the stairs.Pride couldn't be the reason because he had no problem talking with Alec all the time before and seemed like a lovely person. Alec scolded himself again. Magnus was married. Alec wasn't allowed to..."Which one is better?" Jace addressed him, holding two rings, one with a green gem and the other with a red one. Her arms were always covered in paint to elbows so she rarely wore jewelry, conscious of dirtying them. Alec turned his gaze to simpler rings, without gems or carvings."I will share another one of my wedding ideas with you."* * *It came late in the night when all normal people did what they hadn’t been doing during the day, and abnormal people, like Alec, were sleeping. A notification sound woke him up.Magnus: Tolstoy can't describe sex scenesAlec rubbed his eyes a few times. This is what he had to say? After what happened yesterday?Alec: What?Magnus: "Looking at him, she had a physical sense of her humiliation, and she could say nothing more. He felt what a murderer must feel, when he sees the body he has robbed of life. That body, robbed by him of life, was their love, the first stage of their love. There was something awful and revolting in the memory of what had been bought at this fearful price of shame."Magnus: I mean come on!Alec gazed at his phone for a few minutes, not knowing what to make of this.Alec: if this is how heterosexual sex goes, I thank every god in existence for making me gayWell, what else could he reply? Apparently, they had silently agreed not to talk about the incident. And Alec wasn't informed.Magnus owed him an explanation. But instead he sent him a dozen of laughing emojis.Alec: in war and peace tolstoy wanted to include a scene of the first night of helen and pierreAlec: but sofia, his wife, asked him not to do this bc it was really graphicAlec: god save sofia bers for saving our eyesLiving with Jace taught Alec how to masterly play down his feelings with humor. Saying "no" to healthy coping mechanisms was their family motto so it seemed.Make a first move and let him explain his point of view.Alec: Magnus, why didn't you tell me anything?A little vague but the meaning could be understood. Expecting him to be clear in what he wrote at eleven in the evening was audacious.Magnus: I was afraidMagnus: I'm sorry I acted that wayAlec: why were you afraid? You are a designer and this time giving an interview must not have been the first timeMagnus: when you said you're a journalist, I was scared that you, probably, wanted to get blackmail material. Such attempts were a thingAlec jumped on the bed.Magnus: thank you for not including our argument in the article. I wanted to ask you not to do it but couldn'tMagnus: sorry that it went that way and I ruined everythingAlec remembered Magnus, all uptight and dreading to make a move or sound. To get a venomous remark from Camille. And all his fury vanished. With a wife like this you didn't need any enemies, she guided you to the grave herself.Alec: it's fineAlec: it's not your faultAlec: and no need to thank me for treating you like another human being. I would have never posted, I swearAlec: you, sure, have no reason to trust meAlec: I’m not mad. not when I know whyMagnus: thank youWas not-ill-treatment so out of his normal life that he felt the need to thank everybody for any time he wasn’t trashed?Alec: it’s nothing, reallyAlec: also I think we will meet againMagnus: why?Alec: you have a fashion show on the thirteenth?Magnus: are you interested in fashion?Alec: no but my sister is a model and will be participatingMagnus: really? Who?Alec: Isabelle LightwoodMagnus: SHE??? SERIOUSLY???Magnus: I should've guessed, you are both drop-dead gorgeousAlec muttered his gratitude for the universe that it was night now and nobody would see his red hot cheeks.Magnus: but isn’t her boyfriend accompanying herAlec: yes but he fell sick and she asked me to go in his stead as a moral support brotherMagnus: it is very nice of you, Alexander. I am ecstatic to meet you againAlec's heart sank.Magnus: and tell Isabelle that I'm happy she agreed. Your sister is magnificentAlec: can't you say this to her in person?Magnus: I'm not sure if I'll have a chance. During the show I have no minute to spare. Something always goes wrong and I need to be there to solve the problemAlec: okay, I'll tell herAlec: you know when my sister first described you I had an impression that you were stiff and haughty. But you are actually very likableAlec: contrary to your wifeMagnus: thank you, Alexander, but I ask you not to insult my wife. I understand that it must have been unpleasant for you to listen to our bickering. but she participates in this fashion show, plus this week was exhausting for her. It doesn’t excuse her behavior towards you, it's trueAlec: Magnus, what I meant wasn’t thisAlec: she was decent. Yes, people are allowed to have bad days but it's no excuse for treating others badlyAlec: I'm more concerned about her treatment of you. If she allows herself to nag and insult you it's not fine. You are supposed to be the dearest person to her, she has no right to channel her anger and exhaustion on youMagnus: she didn't insult me, merely pointed out what I'm slacking atAlec: your skin is softer than my brother's and he wears masks to keep it smooth every dayAlec: she nagged you in front of a complete stranger with no qualms whatsoeverMagnus: I appreciate your care but don't stick your nose into my family's mattersIt was kinda too harsh for MagnusMagnus: sorry it was too curt. I just don’t want to wash dirty linen in front of you.Alec sighed.Alec: fine. then goodbye and good luck. now is half past twelve and all abnormals sleep at that timeMagnus: good night, AlexanderHis heart sank.Alec: good night to you too, Magnus* * *Alec was sitting in the first row and waited until the show ended. But when Isabelle arrived at the runaway, his palms hurt from the clapping.While they were driving to Manhattan, his sister was restless and couldn't sit still. A charm on her neck didn't match with the dress she was supposed to wear and hiding it under the clothing wasn't possible.Alec gifted every family member, save for his father, a charm. When he read "The Gray House" and Ancient gave Grasshopper a charm that would help him stand up against Sportsman and his people, this episode stuck in his soul. In the time of divorce his family needed support. Yes, they were just bracelets made from stitches and they held no real power. But when you give something a meaning in your head, this is when a thing starts to be powerful.His relatives wouldn't wear some small bags around their necks either. So he had to take liberties and take a step to the right from canon. Yeah, Alec violated the canon, what a shock.Although the charms were supposed to be worn on wrists, Isabelle chose to wear it around her neck.Nobody risked taking them off during significant events in their lives. Better safe than sorry. And Isabelle was more zealous about her charm than any of them combined together. She always found a way to keep it around and not part with it.But her dress didn't have sleeves or high collar, legs were out of question too as they were not covered. She was called behind the scenes before they could figure out a solution.And finally Isabelle showed up. Straight back, confident straide, no sign of uncertainty on her face. Lilac gown resembled a rose bud, ready to bloom at any moment. Alec clapped louder than anybody in the room because his sister was the best, it was an unbiased fact. Going back, she threw him a short glance and moved it to the brooch. Purple bracelet framed a lily on her chest as if it had been a part of design. He beamed.In the end Magnus made an appearance, bowed to the public and expressed his gratitude to the attendees and people who helped him in designing the collection. Alec knew nothing about fashion but to his mind the dresses were splendid. They rolled on the skin of the models as if they were made of sheer magic with a single wave of a wand, weightless and airy. Only a few accessories here and there but all in all they were quite simple yet alluring.But Isabelle, being a teenager and now occasionally, sewed her own dresses, designed them, took patterns, sought for materials, sewing and other things took her weeks. And only one dress entailed so much work. So making ten unique gowns wasn't a piece of cake.They were invited to an after-party and Alec couldn't leave his sister unsupervised so he accompanied her. The charm was tight around her neck again."You were great, I'm proud of you. Everybody applauded you," he said when they were driving to the after party."And you were the loudest," she sniggered."Don't say that Simon wouldn't do that.""True. He said he would beat your ass if you didn't applaud me as hard as I deserve.""I'd see how he manage that," he tucked her generously sprayed hair behind her ear."In 'Dungeons and Dragons'."Alec sighed, mockingly horrified. "What a terrifying prospect.""It was Magnus' idea," admitted Isabelle a few minutes later."What?""To make it look like a charm was a part of brooch."Alec melted. Magnus was immensely sweet and kind."Alec Lightwood? Having obscene thoughts about a married man? The world is going to collapse!" chuckle his sister."I… I… No!""Well, your cheeks tell me otherwise," she impudently pinched his cheek."We… we are friends… we met not more than a month ago," Alec tried to defend himself."Alec," Isabelle's voice turned serious, "I'm kidding. It's fine to have a crush, nothing to be ashamed of."But it wasn't just a crush. A few weeks ago, infatuation after a brief meeting. Magnus was handsome and nice, and after some time they didn't text only about "Anna Karenina". Magnus shared news about preparation of the show so that it would go without any problems. And attending it today proved how much Magnus cared and put effort. The theme was "Flowers" and the runaway was decorated in nature patterns, imitating leaves and petals. Garlands were like vines, twinning with each other peculiarly.Alec mostly talked about his family and job, complained about Sebastian, a man who worked in the gossip column and insisted on becoming a consistent part of Alec's life by being a bother.Magnus confessed one thing on the night before the show."To tell the truth, presenting a collection is an incredible feeling. People see for the first time what you had been working on for months and even may have fed up with. Their stricken faces and mouths dropped open are worth all the nights when I couldn't get a wink of sleep and friendship with a concealer that helps to hide eyebags."Not many people after ten years in the profession could talk about it with such sincere happiness. Maybe it was a sign that a person had made the right choice. Magnus was in his element from the little amount of Alec saw of him.“Yes, I know,” admitted Alec.Magnus was in a chipper mood and greeted him when they entered the building. "You two look stunning," he complimented."You look great too," they exchanged a hug. "Thank you for the invitation.""Thank you for coming. You must be tired.""No-no," said Alec, "you probably were on edge, organizing such a big event and making sure it went without a hitch."“Thank you, Alexander,” he affectionately shook his hand. “Come in and have a bite.”“Magnus, darling, here you are.”All at once Magnus' shoulders slumped and a poignant sparkle in his eyes went out.Her constant “Magnus, darling” lost all meaning like a word, parroted a few hundred times. And this endearment was as sincere as the words “It’s so funny” said to one’s joke when one wasn’t generous enough for even a small smile.“I’m greeting guests.”“Yeah?” she assessed him and Isabelle with a pompous look. “Then you can easily leave them be for a minute and help me tie the ribbon on my back, it came loose.”“Yes, sweetheart,” said Magnus more quietly than before. “Come in, guys, I will meet you later,” he tied the ribbon.“So sweet, Magnus, you have found yourself new friends. Catarina and Ragnor haven’t been inviting you to join them lately.”Every time she said something, he wanted to slap her in the face."They live in the opposite part of the city, it's not very convenient for us to commute.""Yes, I get it, it is the reason, of course," she dismissed. "This is why they aren't here.""They are away on business," Magnus tried."Of course."Magnus gulped.Isabelle grabbed him by the sleeve and dragged him to the side, noticing Alec rubbing his hands.“Was she as charming during the interview?” inquired his sister when they approached the table filled with snacks and champagne.“Pretty much so,” Alec took a sip. He raised it in the air and added, “For your successful runaway.”They clicked their glasses and drank champagne in one sip. Isabelle told him how it was like to be behind the scenes. Magnus had checked on everybody a few times to make sure that they had been fine. He acted nicely not only in front of the cameras, but even when he wasn’t in the limelight.Magnus and Camille stood together. Magnus chatted with his colleagues, as Alec assumed, and Camille was absorbed by her phone.When he got on the stage, everybody gasped and waited for his speech."I want to thank everyone who supported me. I value every kind word you said to me. Those who sewed the dresses, without your advice they wouldn't be as airy and magical."My immeasurable gratitude to the models who allowed the collection to shine. I always believed that a good person makes a good gown. You proved this right yet again. Thank you for putting up with my quirks, I assume I can be overly demanding because of my nerves."Alec wasn’t there during the preparation but nothing in Izzy’s words gave a hint that he might have some unpleasant quirks and strict demands. Everybody would want a grand event like that to not flop and Magnus, nevermind being busy with last minute problems, made sure that all participants felt good. He turned his head to his sister and she, as if sensing what he was about to ask, shook her head, confirming his suspicions.After some time of texting with Magnus, Alec noticed that he felt the need to say sorry for things that were out of his control or didn't exist at all."A special thank you for my sweet wife, who, surely," he tripped over his words when Camille narrowed her gaze expectantly. Mangus snapped his fingers a few times, coming up with the next line, "who showed the care and supported me at every step I took."Camille nodded with satisfaction and focused her attention on her phone, scrolling down.And constant "sweetheart" to Camille, gouged out of himself.Magnus bowed and leaped off the stage to the crowd and made it burst out with laughter. A wave of compliment and congratulations washed over him.Half of the guests had already left as it was past midnight. Alec and Isabelle decided to not stay back. Passing by the curtains, they heard Camille and Magnus arguing. To be more accurate, chastising and futile attempts to repel them"Magnus, how many times should I tell you not to snap your fingers, it's annoying," chastised Camille and let out an overly exasperated sigh."But it's easier for me to concentrate when I…""But it irks people," she cut off.Meaning it irked you, added Alec silently."And what was with that leap off from the stage?" she went on. "It was such an embarrassment.""It wasn't an embarrassment, people laughed…"But Camille used words as if they were a sword and blocked every shy attempt to defend, not even attack her, with a thorough answer."They laughed at you! What's more, you could break your neck, are you using your head a little? I'm ashamed of you."Isabelle huffed angrily and withdrew the curtain. "Those who are ashamed of others' actions are just too scared to do it or cannot afford themselves to be as carefree," his sister retorted and stamped her foot.“You are embarrassing me in front of everybody,” said Camille.“In front of whom?” asked Alec. “We are standing far from the crowd, I doubt people would hear us.”“You are making a mountain out of a molehill, darling.” She tutted. Magnus flinched at being called ‘darling’, as if it was worse than an insult. “I didn’t flirt with him, we were just exchanging pleasantries. You are just projecting your insecurities on me. Maybe you are cheating yourself, for example, with this young man,” she pointed at Alec with accusation, “and claim I do the same.”With this she left the room. But the clicking of her shoes could be heard even behind the closed curtain.Magnus flopped onto the chair and put face into his palms. He tried to hold his breath to stop the tears but one traitorous sob ruined everything. “I do everything to be perfect but this is all I get,” Magnus whispered. He wiped his face. “Thank God I at least was sensible enough to put on a waterproof mascara today.” He chuckled but it sounded like a cry.“Magnus,” said Isabelle softly and rubbed his shoulder, “don’t listen to her. Everybody loved it.”“Don’t pay attention to her rudeness,” whispered Magnus. “She’s just exhausted after the runaway.”"Well, I'm exhausted too!" claimed Isabelle. "But I don't snap at my brother for every mishap. And he, by the way, didn't even buy me flowers. Simon would never forget it!Alec giggled."I'm sorry, all flower stores are closed now. I will order a bouquet tomorrow and send it straight to your house.""Will be waiting," she winked. "Don't make a mistake, I love irises.""Don't worry, I won't confuse them with marigolds," Alec sighed too exasperatedly."You better try."Magnus, watchinging them bicker friendly, laughed himself and a long-lost spark appeared again in his eyes, not from tears or light but from cheerfulness."Thank you, honestly. I was nervous the whole day and needed to have a good laugh.""There is nothing to thank us for, Magnus," Isabelle yanked him to the table. "Come along or you won't have a chance to taste cheese, somebody gobbled it up already!""Hey!" huffed Alec.* * *Magnus: "I do value my idea and my work awfully; but in reality only consider this: all this world of ours is nothing but a speck of mildew, which has grown up on a tiny planet. And for us to suppose we can have something great—ideas, work—it’s all dust and ashes.”Magnus: you know, sometimes I think about the world. Specifically the fact that the reason our civilization exists is so... random. It all happened because millions of years ago some coincidence started the chain reaction and we are here. And if our far ancestors didn't somehow develop talking and thinking skills, we wouldn't be here. If some worldwide pandemic killed all of us we wouldn't be here. The fact that we exist is so fascinating because one step to the right or left and human kind wouldn't appear.. And all of our rules, norms and society expectations are so contingent, learning, working, getting money - we all made these the primary concepts of our life, they weren't given to us, we ourselves put these chains on us.Magnus: and we have to live in the society only because some ancestor of mine pondered on who made the stick and what its life purpose was instead of just digging holes with it.Alec: did something happen?Magnus: does something have to happen? Absolutely nothingAlec kept sending messages but got no reply.Magnus didn’t have a habit of diving into such bizarre thoughts. Something was definitely wrong. Alec called a taxi and it flew to Magnus’ house.Another argument? But every time Alec tried to talk with Magnus about them, Magnus claimed that it was fine and a usual thing. Problems at job? But the public was still praising his work, done at the fashion show. Something happened with Max? Magnus was overprotective of his son and fretted over any little scratch. It was almost unhealthy. Kids always bumped into things that laid, hung or stood, and he and his siblings had survived somehow.He rang the bell unstoppably, at the same time sending messages to Magnus and trying to get through to him. Alec almost decided to climb over the fence against logic and the laws of the USA when the gates pulled open and the doorman said, “Mr. Bane will meet you shortly.”Alec sprinted past him and banged his fists into the door."Wait a bit!" On the threshold stood Magnus with a painted eye and an eyeshadow in his palm. "I'm sorry for my unpresentable look."Alec crushed him with a hug. "Is everything fine?""Everything is great, Alexander, you needn't have come…""I feared something happening to you!" exclaimed Alec. "These messages didn't sound like you at all."Magnus lowered his gaze. "Sometimes such thoughts just dawn upon me. Not many people know it," he shook his head. "Come in, I'll touch up my make-up and join you."“Magnus, what make-up! You are not even leaving the house!”“But I have a pimple,” he groped his forehead. “Camille said…”"She says a lot of stuff! Even lie at times!""Don't talk about her like this," Magnus tried to defend her but it came up weak and unsure.""Oh my God, look in the mirror! You look like a model even in a crumpled dressing gown and smeared lipstick and half-painted eye!"Magnus' eyebrows went up as if he didn't believe his ears. But he nodded and headed to the bathroom.Alec came into the living room. Max, Magnus' son, was playing here."I remember you," he claimed, not stopping his play with dolls. "You came here to talk with bapak and mother. And bapak texts with you. Your contact is 'Literature advocate'," the kid grinned, probably proud of himself for pronouncing these two long words. He got to his feet and reached his chubby hand out to Alec. "I'm Max."Alec never paid it any mind but his brother's name was Max too. What a coincidence."Now you have to introduce yourself and shake my hand," Max pouted."Oh, yes, pardon," Alec did as told."Why are you here?" straightforwardly asked Max. "Mother is not here to ask your questions."Alec turned his head around as if Camille would jump on him from behind and accuse him of having an affair with Magnus again."And Camille, I mean mother is not here?""No," the kid resumed playing with his dolls, "she went away 'cause she has some important stuff. Bapak was very sad. I heard him talked with somebody about 'anniversary'. What is it?""It's some round date," Alec rubbed his forehead."What is a round date?" Max adorably furrowed his brows. He reminded Alec of his brother at this age so much his heart ached. Almost a year had passed since their last meeting."It's ten, twenty or more years together," explained Alec."Bapak and mother are twenty years together?" yelled the kid, exhilarated. "That's so cool! Means that they love each another so much, right?"Alec’s head drooped at this. If they were together for such a long time, the probability of divorce was desperately low. People often held on to the usual things until the end even if it was painful because starting anew was terrifying. Alec bonked himself on the head. What the fuck?"Why you hit yourself?" asked Max. "Hitting people is bad.""Because I have bad thoughts," sighed Alec. He could admit this at least to a child?"This don't mean you can hit yourself. Bapak says you can reprove a little and explain the reason but not hit."Alec let out a laugh. “Your bapak is very smart.”“And beautiful!” added the child.Very much so, agreed Alec inwardly."Look," Max took an armful of dolls and set them on the sofa near Alec, "that are my friends," he took them in rotation and introduced them to Alec, making him greet each of them. "This is Cat, bapak has a friend Cat," he had a blue dress on." He laid it on the sofa and took a doll with brown hair, braided in a plate. "This is Tessa, too bapak's friend. Bapak made her a plait but I will learn to do it too, promise!"Yeah, Magnus once mentioned a bookworm who complained about inaccuracies in films.Then the boy took a doll in a green suit. “This is Ragnor. My Uncle Ragnor is sulky but brings me treats and gifts.”Sofa bent a little. In front of Alec Magnus’ face, covered in makeup, appeared and Alec gulped heavily.“Don’t pay attention to me. Go on.”“I almost finished,” said Max and showed him the last doll. It had a paper cross on its neck. “This is Raphael. He is even sulkier than Uncle Ragnor and says that he hates us but bapak says he lies. But lying is bad?” he turned head to his father.“That’s right, but some people don’t get it,” Magnus patted his son on his head. “Blueberry, I need to talk to Alec alone, can you leave please and later we will play together?”Max pouted. “With Alecander?” Alec huffed out a laugh at this. When Magnus looked at him with a question, he nodded.Without any complaints Max jumped off the sofa and dashed from the room.But the conversation didn’t start. They were silent and hoped the other one would begin instead.“Why Blueberry?” And Alec came up with the most stupid question to strike up the coversation.But Magnus just sank back on the sofa, chuckling. “It is such a funny story. When Max was three, we watched an Avatar cartoon and he wanted to have a blue arrow on his forehead and painted his skin with Camille’s blue eyeshadow. She threw a tantrum because she was out of blue eyeshadow. When she cooled down her temper, I was washing the paint off Max’s face the whole day. Since then I call him my Blueberry.” His lips curved into a shining smile.“It’s sad,” after a pause, Alec said.Magnus sincerely wondered, “Why?”“She shouted at the child.”“Oh no, she didn’t shout at Max, God no! She shouted at me,” he said this as if it was excusable or fine.“It’s still not right.”“She screams quite often, she’s just short-tempered.”“I hope she at least says she is sorry later.”The way Magnus bit his lip told Alec that it wasn’t the usual case.“Max said she went away?” he changed the topic.Magnus’ face clouded over. “Some fashion brand offered her to participate in a photoshoot to promote something,” he said in a small voice. “She couldn’t stay back.”“Max said you had some plans,” Alec regretted saying this immediately.Magnus’ face fell into his lap and he was trembling.“It’s nothing,” contrary to his words, he sobbed. “It’s not the first time, I’m used to it.”Suddenly he jumped and hastily wiped out the tears. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to cry in front of you and burden you with my problems,” he fixed his gaze on a car that Max had left behind. “You must be thinking that I’m trying to draw your attention to me.”“Never came to my mind,” Alec hugged him. Magnus’ cheek was wet and hot against his. Arms, crossed around his back and clumsy, trembled, never having a chance to relax. Alec prayed for Magnus not hearing his thudding heart. The last thing he needed in this situation was learning about Alec’s improper feelings.Stop, what feelings? It was just a crush. That had gotten a little out of control but still bearable.“Crying is normal,” Alec assured him. “Needing to express your feelings verbally and physically is fine. Your grudge and anger are normal. Even if it's not rational.” But they weren't irrational at all. If Camille had a habit of skipping their anniversaries, Magnus was rightfully discontented with it. “We can allow ourselves to be honest only with those whom we trust. I don’t claim to be that type of person but if you crave it, then you can ‘burden’ me with your feelings. I don’t mind, I promise.”Magnus stiffened, his face rested against Alec’s chest and wiped tears off.“My mom died,” he said finally. Alec jolted. “Not recently, don’t worry. It happened… three years ago,” Alec reassuringly rubbed his hair. Magnus let out a muffled breath. “She had a mammary gland cancer but I learned about it when it was too late. Moreover, I didn’t visit her for a long time and therefore had no idea that something was off. Back in the day I didn’t have as much money as I own now to afford an expensive treatment. It came only after her death. I could buy everything besides the one important thing.”“She believed in the power of thoughts and wishes, believing asking the universe to help would save her. As she told me while dying, she sometimes felt better and this was why she thought the method helped.” Magnus wheezed.Alec said nothing. He, thank God, never had to live through anything like this. His brother Max almost got under a car when he got drunk. Doctors had managed to save him. The only death of somebody close he survived was his family's death. And his father had killed it with his infidelity.His hand musingly rubbed Magnus' back. "Thanks for sharing."“I don’t feel better,” admitted Magnus, tracing an unknown pattern on his chest. It sent thrilled shivers down Alec’s spine. “Thank you for listening to me. If you ever need to…”“Magnus,” Alec pulled away and twined fingers with Magnus, “I didn’t do it for my benefit. You are…” he stammered, “you are my friend. I care about your wellbeing. You owe nothing to me for treating you like the good person you are.”Magnus nodded and gulped. He often did this. Swallowed some things he wanted to say but was too scared to voice them.“Can I share anything else with you?” he asked.“Sure.”“Let’s go to the kitchen, I will make us tea,” he stood from the sofa.“No need to bother!”“Alec, I have a reputation of an attentive host and don’t want to leave my guest without a treat,” without further ado, he took Alec by the wrist and pulled him into the kitchen.On the wall hung a photograph, presumably, of the wedding day. Magnus in a white costume with a pearl necklace, hugging his bride by her waist and giggling, and Camille, blowing a kiss to the camera.Alec’s heart wrung but he gouged out a comment, “Pearl suits you.”Red colored Magnus’ cheeks.“Thank you. Personally, I think pearls fit with everything. It is elegant and not gaudy. The collection I made after the loss of my mother was called ‘Falling Star’ because on the day of her death, while her heart was still beating, I made a wish on a falling star. But it was a likely satellite.” He brushed it off like a nosy fly with a wave. “So I made a dress, embroidered with pearls , and they reminded me of the stars that fell on the Earth.”He set two cups of black steaming tea on the table.“Well, you must be tired from listening to my babbling,” Magnus played it down.“Not at all,” Alec took a sip of tea. “Tasty. No, I don’t mind listening at all. You somehow tolerate my voice messages about the symbolism of Anna’s black dress that go on for half an hour.”“I don’t tolerate them,” corrected Magnus, waving his finger, “I truly like it.”“And I truly love hearing about your work and your collections,” said Alec, putting his elbow on the table and resting his jaw in the palm. Magnus beamed. He must have been showered with compliments non-stop but it seemed like such interest was something unusual.”Contrary to his wife, Magnus never acted like a noble and stuck out his finger while drinking tea. He was out of this world but still painfully real.Alec moved his gaze to another photo. It had a woman and a man, holding, presumably, a little Max, and Magnus standing next to them.“It’s Annable and Malcolm,” answered Magnus his unvoiced question, “ Max’s parents.”“But I assumed you and Camille…”“No, no, she never wanted to give birth. And I respect this. From what I know, my mother initially didn’t want me,” he tucked hair behind the ear, “but people persuaded her that abortion is a sin. And I feel guilty for her.”Alec put his palm over his crossed hands. “It’s not your fault, it’s theirs. You learned from this mistake and didn’t make yours.”Magnus covered his mouth with the palm and coughed.“So Max, sadly, ended up in our house when they died in a car crash. There was nobody who could take care of him. And they were my good friends and did many things for me. Without Annabel’s support I would never be able to set up my own brand. I know you will revolt again but…” he sipped at his tea, “but I felt obliged to do it. And I didn’t want Max to end up with complete strangers.”“It was kind of you. ”Magnus pursed his lips."I was determined to keep him. Camille never saw Max as her son. What I will say now is bad but he is like a pet to her. She can take a selfie with him and squeeze his cheeks in rare moments she feels like it. And all the other times she just ignores his presence.”“Even a pet shouldn’t be treated in such a way,” Alec cut off.Magnus nodded after a pause. “Frankly, I sometimes regret adopting him,” he breathed out.Alec said nothing, encouraging him to elaborate."I love him, really. But sometimes I think that if it weren't for him, I would've left Camille." Alec spit his tea out. "My dad left me and my mother when I wasn't even as old as ten. I always took the blame for it for some reason. That I didn't help enough, that I'm… not important and easy to leave. I don't want Max to live in an incomplete family. And," Magnus hid his face in his palms from Alec, "it will sound so stupid and selfish, but I supposed that if a baby appeared, our family life would get better. That Camille would feel some attachment to him and then a new feeling would appear in his heart towards me. That she would stop cheating."Alec recoiled. Magnus chuckled bitterly. “I learned a year after my mother's death. Not something trivial like stumbling upon them in bed or sneaking to read their texts. No. She told me herself. Just to make me hurt.”Alec pulled the chair out and sat near. Magnus powerlessly fell on his chest.“After her death I couldn’t move a finger. I had to present my collection in a few months and I had only crude designs. Max was a one-year-old baby then and demanded constant attention. We hired a babysitter but I didn’t want to be absent either. I physically had strength to only change his diapers, feed him and sing him a lullaby. Then I flopped onto the bed, face in the pillow and prayed that I wouldn’t dream. I somehow worked in order not to let others down.“She claimed I didn’t pay her attention at all. Didn’t do what was expected of a proper spouse. Like supporting your spouse isn’t the thing a proper spouse should do,” he added through gritted teeth. “To her, she said, infidelity is like going to a shop, you buy what you don’t have at home.“She expected me to grieve for a month more or less and be back to business. Funny how people perceive grief and sorrow as something that shouldn’t last longer than a precise amount of time. You should recover in a few months, after you just want attention. Better if you bring some product like a book or a design out of it. Means you didn’t fail yourself and didn’t waste time pitying yourself.”“But why didn’t she divorce you then?”“Image. Whenever there is an event we attend together, people hype it up. It’s good for publicity. She needs a husband like a moon. That would appear occasionally, shine at her and give her his admiration, but don’t overshadow her. And doesn’t stick out when not called."And I'm too weak to set myself free. I'm afraid to open the door. Afraid there might be a cliff behind it.Alec wrapped his hand around Magnus’ shoulders. "You're not weak, you have stood your ground and up for your opinion to keep Max, a child without parents. You managed to cope with your loss on your own. It isn't weak.""Not on my own," cut off Magnus, "I had friends. And Max, when he learned last year, offered to listen to me. I didn't burden the kid with dark stuff, obviously. But we had a talk about death. About his parents. It went better than I expected. I was scared he would stop seeing me as his bapak," he sniffed, "but, as I've gathered, he took the news quite calmly. Maybe he couldn't fully comprehend the talk. A three-year-old child can barely understand what death is."“Still, it must have been very hard. When my parents went through divorce, I didn't want to divert my family’s attention from important matters to my silly little troubles.”"Oh, Alec," Magnus squeezed his palm.“And please don’t stay for a child,” begged Alec. “My parents tried to stay together for my little brother. But he, the only one who lived with them at the time, constantly heard them arguing and started drinking alcohol at fifteen. Your son is too young to comprehend what is happening but kids get it in the back of their head and may make an assumption that they are the reason.”“But that’s not true!” protested Magnus.“But we have a tendency to pass the blame on ourselves even when we didn’t do anything.”Especially you, he added innerly.Magnus stared at the blue tablecloth, pensive.“I just don’t want to be a bad father. I’m trying to find where I slack and avoid causing trauma,” he poked his finger at the book on the windowsill. Judging by the name, it was about parenting and bringing kids up. “But I’m not perfect. I get that shouting and breaking down and expressing your frustration at a child in such a manner is not healthy but at times it is far beyond my reach to be sensible. And I reproach myself for this. But I don’t want to be a bad father.”Alec remembered his parents. Of his mother, to be exact. She snapped sometimes too. But tried to fix the damage after.“We are doomed to fuck up our kids no matter what we do it seems to me. Either by being too protective or not paying enough attention. You can’t expect yourself to be a perfect father all the time. You’re a human and humans are the least perfect creatures on this planet. We have so many opportunities but we choose to make this world even more of a burning dump than it already is. You have your bad days too. You are allowed to have thoughts that aren’t right. As long as you acknowledge that you are wrong and try to be better next time, you will be ten times more of a decent parent than most people.”Magnus shook his head fondly. “It isn’t reassuring, considering the fact that the bar for being a good parent is too low. Some people think that buying food, clothes and providing a roof above your head is everything that you need to do. When it’s the bare minimum.”“I’m sure Max will become a good person. Not without his problems, but all of us have them. But you can’t save him from everything. If not you, then people around him. He should know that he can always come to you. So he won’t be scared to voice his big and small concerns to you when he needs your help. That you won’t judge him for his mistakes. You may scold him, yes, but in the end you are here to support and lend him a helping hand.”Magnus watched him without blinking for a long time. With no sound. Then he hastily tucked hair back and yanked Alec by the collar of his shirt. To his lips. Fingers digging into the shoulders, tugging him closer. Alec pulled back and shook his head, trying to catch breath. Magnus looked so defenseless and depressed. He just… he just… sought support, having no chance to get it in his family.It wasn’t right. Even if his wife treated him like garbage, Alec was a stranger that had no say in this matter. It was between them. And he would definitely be someone’s affair.Alec jumped from the chair and bolted for the door. Behind a patter of feet came."Alec! Hold on, please! Let me explain!"But Alec jumped over the threshold and stairs, making his way to the courtyard. By him passed a writhing garden, empty pool, and broken hopes.Shit, the gates are closed. He examined the wall in search of a way to open them. Frantically he looked behind. Magnus stood on the portico. Discerning his face from here was impossible. Now he would run after him. Alec turned back and groped along the wall. Nothing.The gates opened in a snap. As fast as a bullet Alec passed through them and dialed the taxi number, running away.He would never come back here again.* * *Magnus (3:36 pm): Alexander, answer me pleaseMagnus (4:24 pm): I'm sorry for doing it but please give me a chance to explainMagnus (5.38 pm): I beg you please don't ignore meMagnus (6:18 pm): Alexander, just tell me you don't want to see me anymore. Don't leave me hangingMagnus (7:46 pm): I'm at fault for not restraining myself. It was improper. I feel great remorse for what I did.A faint ghost of the kiss on his lips. Alec touched them subconsciously.Magnus consistently sent him a message once an hour as if he had set an alarm. He tried to explain and excuse himself. Assuming, probably, that Alec was indignant at his audacity. He must be. His father ruined his family and Alec considered infidelity to be one of the worst sins. But Magnus was hard to be furious at. Not only because he, against his better judgment, craved one more kiss. But also because Magnus wasn’t to blame for ending up in such a situation. He couldn’t be blamed for not being loved, respected and valued by his own wife. He wished to give love but one must store it in themselves if others didn’t appreciate it.Alec had already finished off five articles that were due before the end of the month. Lest coming back in his mind to the kiss, these smooth precious fingers and lips. Only one damned kiss and his principles threw themselves out of the window.It was wrong. Infidelity was a betrayal. You lied to a person who put their trust into you. It made them feel insignificant, not enough, questioning constantly what they do wrong, why didn’t you choose them. Being loyal was a conscious and moral choice, not an obligation or a burden. It meant choosing the person, not your selfish needs. It wasn’t a favor, contract, it was respect. Only those cheated who have no moral high grounds.But… Magnus had his morals. His care and reflection weren’t a facade. Alec always wanted to strangle Stiva when he said that infidelity was just a moment of weakness. If a person wasn’t able to keep their pants on, they would find an eternal number of excuses. But Magnus wasn’t Stiva. He felt remorse. Now Alec understood why he defended Dolly. He didn’t defend her, he defended his version he saw in her. Betrayed, lost and left with a child but too scared to fend for himself.And another question. Was it excusable to cheat if your partner had cheated on you? Did it count as breaking trust if you had been betrayed and used before? Was it justifiable to cheat if your partner is toxic and manipulative? Before Alec would say no, firstly a person should leave. Be the good guy until the end, even if it was a hardship. But reality as always was more complicated than just some abstract thought.But now Magnus was Anna… And Alec, so it seemed, was Vronsky. The funniest part, of course, Camille being Alexey Alexandrovich. Such a comparison was absurd. Magnus wasn’t an immoral and fallen person, Alec wasn’t a person to steal husbands. And Camille definitely wasn’t a cold but still loyal wife.Alec rolled over on the other side. Kitty and Levin never were his idols when it came to marriage, just a sugar coated version of a family Tolstoy yearned for. Believed, and kept wearing his wife out with constant pregnancies. He and Magnus once discussed that geniuses are zeros without helping wives near them who do all household chores without any complaint. But in this moment he longed for that dubious blessing of happiness that Kitty and Levin had. They made mistakes but still found their ways to each other. But for them, it seemed, other parts were meant.How ironic that it was "Anna Karenina" that brought them together.The phone buzzed again. Magnus, probably. Alec deliberately read his texts but gave no reply. Being seen but ignored stung in the heart.A call. Magnus never called. Decisive measures. Alec stretched his hand and hung up.Another one. Alec opened his glued together eyes. The screen said "Izzy".Alec plonked down from the bed. Shit. He had a meeting with Izzy and Jace in the cafe. He didn't make the bed, bursted open the wardrobe, slipped on the clothes that fell on him and made a bolt from the apartment, skipping stairs. Eleven and fifty. He could make haste and get there in ten minutes.Another call."Hello, Isabelle, I'm gonna be a bit late," he husked, jumping over the border."“By the way, I’m Jace and hurry up or we’ll eat up all the pizza without you.”When he finally reached the place, his sides and head ached and a nasty taste of blood filled his mouth. He worked out in the gym on the regular but even for him running five kilometers in five minutes was a feat. Especially not ending up under the wheels of cars whose owners swore extensively.Alec flopped down on the chair near Jace who along with Isabelle ate up pizza.“Don’t worry, we saved you three slices,” said his sister with her mouth full.“How generous,” Alec snarked, holding his heart.“How’s it going with Magnus?” after finishing off his part, asked Jace.Alec choked on pizza and coughed when the bite went down the wrong windpipe. “What?”Jace tapped him on the back.“Nothing,” mumbled Alec.“Nothing-nothing?” inquired Izzy suspiciously.“Isabelle, he’s married.”“And his wife is a nightmare,” she nonchalantly commented and sipped her lemonade with a straw.“It doesn’t mean I can make my claim.”“Alec, I get it father…”“Father’s fault wasn’t falling out of love with mother. His fault was using it as a pretext to cheat,” cut off Alec.“Alec, we rarely act logically when…” continued his sister.“It is an excuse.”“What happened between you two?” broke in Jace.“Nothing,” answered Alec with haste."He's in an abusive relationship," when Alec opened his mouth, Isabelle smacked his arm. "When I was with Meliorn, I was aware that something was wrong but it was too terrifying to break up. I dreaded ending up like mother. Betrayed and left and not enough." Alec squeezed her palm in a reassuring gesture.Jace spoke then. “It’s easy for us to judge people who don't understand the obvious. But what we don’t get is that not everybody views ‘innocent’ jokes and taunts as something that is not okay because they weren’t brought up in the same way as we were. They just can’t realize it. They don’t know another life.”Alec fixed a partially eaten piece of pizza with a look.Jace came into their family when Alec was twelve. Before he had been living with another adoptive father. He told them that Valentine, his father at the time, had drained him with exercising and learning till midnight. At nine he knew Latin, Gothic and a few European languages perfectly. What he didn’t know was that at his age children were allowed to play and get seven hours of sleep. He won every championship. What he didn’t win was his father’s good treatment. But once his coach noticed bruises on his spine and contacted the police.Many asked him why he didn’t say anything to adults. He and Izzy bothered him too. But Jace kept silent and at times repeated, “I don't know.”At first they assumed he didn’t know the reason. But later Jace explained that he didn’t know that such treatment wasn’t normal. His brother could play down his feelings by saying that at least his love for languages grew out of it, but behind he was desperately trying to find any reasonable answer why the universe allowed this to happen, trying to find some solace and that this wasn't completely futile. But his love for languages could grow up not surrounded by weeds that drained it and gave it no water.“I don’t have to play savior and help him get out of this relationship. He should do it, it must be his choice," after a long pause said Alec.“That’s true,” admitted Jace, “but if he doesn’t realize that this ill-treatment isn’t okay, he will fall into the same trap again and again. And you are not just acquainted with him now. You are his friend. And as a fairly new person in his life you can offer a new perspective on the situation from a different angle. Judging by what happened, you are more than a friend to him.”“You think his other friends didn’t try?” Alec folded arms on his chest in a defensive way.“I’m sure they did. But that doesn’t mean that you don’t have to try. Facta, non verba. You can provide a view none of his friends have. It doesn’t mean you have to intervene with his life. If he deliberately says that your advice is not needed, you should stop. Some people keep saying what one has to do, being told multiple times that their advice is not required. There’s a thin line between offering help and crossing personal borders.”Alec scoffed. Jace had a strange idea that his every line sounded more convincing if supported by a random Latin idiom and immediately turned into something intelligent and sublime.And as if on cue the phone buzzed and Alec picked it up.Magnus (12:25 pm): Alexander, I’m honestly ashamed of kissing you without your consent, I say this for a hundredth time (literally, I counted all the messages) and am willing to do it a million more times so that you forgive me. Or just say you want nothing to do with me and I’ll stop texting“Kiss?!” shrieked Jace.“You two kissed?!” echoed Izzy.“And you don’t respect others’s boundaries,” grumbled Alec.“Alec, you are not so innocent,” Isabelle whistled. “What’s with morals?”“It was him who kissed me, got it?'' he snapped back.“Yeah, and he also said that if you don’t want to stop texting, you should write to him,” pointed out Jace. “Why didn’t you do it? Alec, you’re playing with his feelings. He’s in a vulnerable situation. He doesn’t know what to expect. You act like shit by not giving him a transparent answer.”Alec pricked skin around the nail on his finger. “It’s not that easy.”“To me everything is clear! Malec!” solemnly said Izzy.“Is that some sickness?” Alec threw her an unimpressed look.“Yes, Love sickness.” Without further ado Jace stole a slice of pizza from Alec’s plate.* * *Magnus: so if you don’t want to answer my messages then I guess I will keep sending my impressions and opinions about “Anna” because I have no other place. Maybe you will grow indignant at some detail I overlooked or misinterpreted and text back. A boy can hope.Magnus: to some extent your apprehension for Anna is fair. Considering your family situation and the topic is sure to stir a discussion. She, obviously, is unfair to her husband and he is not the bad person she presents him as. But what baffles me is that she is incredibly honest with herself and even people around her.Magnus: “The chief thing I shouldn’t like would be for people to imagine I want to prove anything. I don’t want to prove anything; I merely want to live, to do no one harm but myself. I have the right to do that, haven’t I?”Magnus: to openly love a person, aware that you will be judged for it, is a brave act in my opinion. She may go against the moral principles but is true to herself, she doesn’t have lie in her, unlike Betsy who doesn’t think of infidelity so much and so deeply as Anna doesMagnus: also, kinda odd to say this but I’m envious of Kitty and Levin. Of their happiness, which is repulsing at times, but still. They are not perfect, sure, Tolstoy has… opinions I don’t agree with, besides after everything you told me about his relationship with his wife, I can’t see him as some old wise man, although many have such an image of him. Sofia made a huge contribution not only to contacting the public houses and rewriting the drafts, but to the books too, providing ideas, right? She should be at least acknowledged as a co-author.Magnus: and never gave it a second thought but really, it is such a strange confluence of events that Anna’s both husbands, by law and by heart, are Alexeys. Probably because Vronsky is not frequently addressed by his name.Magnus: btw, why some characters are addressed by their names and patronymics, while the others are by their surnames??? I would love to hear your opinionMagnus: “Vronsky, meanwhile, in spite of the complete realization of what he had so long desired, was not perfectly happy. He soon felt that the realization of his desires gave him no more than a grain of sand out of the mountain of happiness he had expected.”Magnus: to tell the truth, this is what I felt after the wedding. I naively and foolishly bore a hope that after tying the knot her feelings for me would bloom more intensely than ever before. And it was like this for the first two months. We almost never parted. She was gentler than she had been for the previous year. But then quarrels started again.Magnus: sorry for flooding you with thisAlec replied only to the second to last.Alec: Tolstoy once said that ending a novel with characters getting married is like ending a book on the episode when a character is attacked by a band of robbers. The reader is left hanging because problems only multiply after the wedding.Magnus: as much as I would like to deem this untrue, but it is true. Marriage exposed all the rotten and problematic moments I had chosen to turn a blind eye to. And couldn’t avoid them anymore when they started to stink it suffocated me and turned nauseous.Alec twined stitches around his wrist. As far as he could remember, Magnus and Isabelle had approximately the same wrist width so he could manage. Beside him laid a little box full of pearls. Alec had mercilessly tore the pearl necklace apart and had to collect all the pearls scattered around.Several days later and three dozens of unanswered messages Alec found strength to send a proper reply.Alec: Magnus, helloAlec: I want to say sorry for ignoring you. It wasn’t right to keep you waiting for a response that may not even have come. I needed time to digest the situation. It’s not an excuse for what I did, obviously.Alec: I ask you for a personal meeting to talk through and decide whether this friendship may continue or not.He hadn’t received any messages for a day. Either Magnus was too busy or too umbrage to Alec in return.In Instagram, to which Alec didn’t subscribe but recurrently, was posted a celebration post about the ten-year anniversary of the first meeting. The same story Alec heard in the interview was described here. But it didn’t give him a gleeful feeling. In most of his posts Magnus used an abundant amount of emojis, and even though Alec considered an extensive use of them a sign that a person cannot express their mind through words, it wasn’t Magnus’ case. His speech in person and in messages was neat and clear. He almost never used time fillers. So the absence of any emojis besides a single yellow heart in the end was alarming. Moreover, Alec noticed that Magnus primarily used a purple heart when he sent something he liked. For example, Chairman Meow’s photos at twelve in the morning.Besides, the words "broken" in relation to Camille and "stupid heart" about their first kiss and "idiotic actions" about mad things he had done in the first months didn't indicate anything good. Some would think of them as sweet but Alec took words to heart and respected people who used them carefully. And these words showed sadness under the facade of lies.But the worst thing was the firestorm of congratulations and hearts-bouquet-rainbow blizzard of emojis in the comment section. They saw only a perfect picture but quite faded paint started to peel.Magnus (10:13 pm): okay, let’s meet. Are you free on Saturday afternoon?* * *Damned traffic jam.12:46 p.m. And commuting to the cafe would take at least half an hour. And it had to happen today, not tomorrow, not yesterday. Today.Alec: im sorry Magnus but stuck in a traffic jam and will be late. very late.If after all ignoring and such a lame excuse, Magnus would stand up and leave with no words, Alec wouldn’t even get mad.Magnus: it’s fine, I understand, anything can happenAlec: do you want to talk about sth? I guess we both don’t have anything else to doAlec: what moment of “Anna” you are on?Magnus: Dolly contemplating what if she went down Anna’s pathAlec: ohYeah, good job Alec. You reminded him of his problems again. Right when you were trying to fix the shit.Alec: did you know that the episode with Kitty, Levin and their love confession happened in real life?Very subtle, Alec.But Magnus took the bait.Alec: Tolstoy tried the same trick with Sofia and both wrote in their diaries that it was successful. But one of Sofia’s relatives wrote that in reality Sofia couldn’t decipher anything.Three “Sofia” in one short message and sweating palms should do the trick and divert his attention.Magnus: that’s sadMagnus: btw, it occured to me recently that the description of Anna and Vronsky’s sex foreshadowed the end of the novel as it was compared to murder?Alec: bingo! good job! you start to get the pointMagnus: *trying to curtsey to my invisible interlocutor, sitting a the table, and people grant me with odd glances*Alec: sure it was gracefulShit, shit, delete, delete. But Magnus had read it already.Magnus: thank you, Alexander.That was close. Narrow escape. Alec: how’re you?Magnus: what do you mean?Alec: well, your Instagram post about your ten year anniversary was… weird. no real happiness detectedMagnus: you philologically analyzed my post? I’m flatteredAlec: Magnus, I’m serious, are you okay?Magnus: yesAlec: I don’t believe youMagnus: I don’t do myself sometimesAlec: that’s sadMagnus: you can’t even imagine* * *The cafe was packed with people when Alec pushed open the door. He glanced around but Magnus was nowhere to be found. He had left. 13:27 pm.“Alec!”From the corner table a waving hand, covered in rings, invited him to join.Alec, making his way through the crowd, approached the table and sank into the chair. “I’m sorry! There was an accident on the road.”“It’s nothing. I had a though you wouldn’t come at all and I have to stay here the whole day.” He gave him the menu. “You choose. I pay.”“Such things happened? That you were left behind?” Alec narrowed his eyes. “And no, I pay for myself. Besides, I’m late so it is only fair I pay for you as well.”“Yes, it has happened. And no, I’m not allowing you to pay for me,” he winked. And then blinked. “Sorry, Alec. I didn’t mean to.”The worst thing was the fact that Alec wanted to watch Magnus wink at him for the rest of his life on the loop.“It’s fine, let’s make an order and talk properly.”The waiter wrote Magnus’ order, cappuccino and a salad, and Alec’s, black coffee.“No wonder you are so gloomy all the time, you need to add some sugar into your life.”This sent Alec into a fluster and he concealed his embarrassed face with a menu.“About the kiss,” Magnus began, “I sincerely apologize for overstepping. It was a moment of weakness,” he grimaced, “but it’s no excuse. I’m married and I have my responsibilities even if my marriage has no love and my wife has cheated. I get it if you’re mad at me and…”“Magnus, I’m not mad.” He took a box out of his bag."What is this?""Open it.”Magnus opened the box with caution and gasped. He twisted the bracelet, inspecting it. It was made of two rows of pearls and had a small closed heart in the middle."It's a charm. My mother and siblings all have it.""And father?" Magnus inquired."He didn't deserve it."He didn't press further. "But why give it to me?""It brings you strength. To become stronger physically and internally. Inside the heart there is a thing that will help you to acquire strength. You need it.""Alec, I don't believe in the power of thoughts or…""There's no need to," explained Alec. "Sometimes things happen whether we believe they are real or not. Also under no circumstances should you open the heart."He felt like Ancient who gave Grasshopper a charm and warned him. And hoped Magnus would become stronger as Sphinx did.Magnus peered at him suspiciously but put on the charm nevertheless. It fitted like a glove. Alec exchanged a high-five with his inner self."Thank you, Alexander, but what about…""I should say sorry for my behavior too. I could've just said I needed time to grasp the situation and not ghost you.""You didn't do anything wrong…""I did," insisted Alec, "and I want to say I'm sorry.""You're forgiven," Magnus didn't loiter. "But what about our texting and conversing?"“I may sound selfish but I’d like it if we keep texting and all,” Alec folded hands on his lap. “I for the first time there is a person who likes my babbling about books. I appreciate your opinions you bring into the dialogue. You helped me to view Dolly from a different angle.”
Because at some point you are her. And I bear a hope you will keep fighting, added Alec silently.“But that’s not the only reason why I don’t want to end this relationship. Over this time I grew..” ‘attracted’ almost slipped his lips but he restrained himself," attached to you and can’t imagine a day passing without chatting with you. I like to listen to your complaining about clients who can’t make up their mind about what shade of green they want, another picture of you Max drew, about your wins and failures. I egotistically want to be a part of your day, your life.”
For a minute or two they sat in silence. Their order was brought, Magnus was drinking his cappuccino and gazing at him. Alec had an urge to rush out of here through the window. What if Magnus just wanted a closure after days of ignoring?“Thanks for sharing this with me, Alec. Truth be told, I too can’t imagine a day passing without messaging you. You are the first person, after Max, to whom I say, well, write ‘Good morning’ and I like reading your complaints about that Sebastian guy from the gossip column that is constantly spilling his coffee on you. We may not agree on certain aspects of ‘Anna’ but it is good, actually. There’s nothing to discuss if the views are absolutely similar. That’s why I want to continue our friendly relationship as well.”They stayed in silence for a good few minutes.“What collection do you dream of making?”“W-What?”“I just want to know more about your work.”And about you too.“Well, currently I’m…”“No, I mean what are you dreaming of making?”Magnus took a sip from his cup, slurping a little. “Something inspired by Barbie I guess.”“Why?”Magnus hesitantly glanced at him."As a child I really loved the 'Barbie as Rapunzel' movie. This scene when she made new dresses with just one brush made me realize that I wanted to be a designer. Also, this is the best Barbie movie.""Best Barbie movie?" Alec scoffed. Magnus flinched. "It is a universally acknowledged fact that the best Barbie movie is 'Princess and the Pauper'. Me and my sister knew the dance moves from 'I'm a Girl Like You' by heart and danced to this song every time we watched it."Also, maybe 'Barbie: Mermaidia' is one of the best Barbie movies. As a kid I always knew there was something between Elina and Nori. Who was this merman Nori ended up with? He's dull."Magnus burst out laughing. Tears ran down his cheeks, he wiped them away but they didn't stop. "Okay, I can't argue with this logic." Tears of joy suited him better than those of sadness.Their weird relationship would continue. But it didn’t count as cheating? Alec wouldn’t allow any more kisses or anything like this. And moral didn’t prohibit them from being friends. Everything was alright.* * *Alec failed all tasks successfully.Not thinking about Magnus in an improper way? Failed.Not dreaming of him and Camille getting divorced? Failed.Not falling in love with Magnus? Magnificently failedOut of all “Anna Karenina” characters Alec would never associate himself with Anna. And he didn’t. He was Vronsky. Like Vronsky broke Frou-Frou’s spine during horse racing and Anna’s life, in the same way Alec ruined Magnus’ not perfect but calm and familiar family life. With no remorse or intention.Over the last two month no one allowed any ambiguous gestures or touches or hints or touchy subjects… And for some fucking reason Alec’s heart wrung and rioted because of it. He set the rules himself. Nothing dubious.Camille played the role of Stiva. No punishment, no call of conscience he got for his sin, he was joyous in his lack of morality. But Magnus didn’t play the part of Dolly anymore. He resembled Anna more and more who revolted and strived to break free from a suffocating environment.Even though neither of them didn’t say it straight, both knew perfectly well that it was an affair. Emotional infidelity was still an infidelity. And none of them tried to cut the ties, only strengthened them and made new ones.At night Alec wondered if it was just like this for his father. This was how he distanced from his mother, fell out of love and couldn’t control his feelings for the other woman. But father didn’t stay with her. Was it a real thing or just a way of forgetting about the ruined marriage?Magnus changed his view not only at “Anna”, the book he had read at first during the divorce, but at his family as well.“My family had a hard time digesting and coming to terms with the divorce,” shared Alec, and Magnus rubbed his thumb. “Mom was able to function fully only after a year. Isabelle, looking for love, ended up in a toxic relationship. Jace managed the best, maybe because he had already had an example of a family falling apart.“Max, however, managed the worst. As I said, it was because nobody was near, we were studying in another city and couldn’t visit regularly. He started,” a gulp, “drinking. And got under the car,” Magnus quivered. Probably reminded of the similar episode.“We were sitting and holding each other, waiting for the news. All, except for the father. He must’ve been enjoying his almost gained freedom,” Alec spat the words. Magnus patted his head.“It is possible, but it may not be the case,” he said pensively, “you never asked him this?” Alec shook his head. “You can’t know for sure. He must’ve tried to reach you.”“I doubt,” Alec said in a hoarse voice.“These are your ideas that may not be true.”“He should revolt you,” Alec’ head found its rest on Magnus’ chest. “It wasn’t your fault that she cheated on you. A cheater will cheat even if you are the best person in the world. It’s not because you are bad, it’s because she doesn’t respect you.”Magnus reluctantly nodded. He tried to find at least the reason for bad treatment and be sympathetic. But some people didn’t deserve sympathy even if they had gone through hell. Because they turned the life of people around in it.Eventually, he asked for book recommendations. Alec, out of fun and ironic bitterness, offered to read “Madame Bovary”. Magnus did not like the joke.“I really hate when people ask me what my favorite book is," said Alec when Magnus asked about it. "Sometimes I reread the book and feel like it was rewritten from scratch after the last time, like it's an absolutely new one. I dunno, maybe it is due to the fact that initially I didn’t read it as attentively or just grew up.“But maybe, if I had to choose, it would be 'The Gray House'. I doubt that I would’ve liked it under any other circumstances but it appeared in my life at the right time. I needed to escape from reality. I didn’t want to burden my family with my emotions when they had enough of their own. This book has so many characters and I felt like I became one of them and got lost in their crowd and hid from my problems.”“What is it about?” asked Magnus.Alec ran his hand through his hair. “This book is very hard to talk about. At least for me. When you say that it’s a book about disabled kids in a boarding school, people assume it's about their hard life and don’t want to read it. In reality these kids are happier than many adults I met. If you say it’s magical realism, you take away the opportunity to interpret their games as a way of them denying the real world. The plot is not linear and it is hard to grasp what is going on sometimes. But its finale gently pushed me into the reality I wanted to escape from so much.”Magnus furrowed as if not understanding him. He probably didn’t. Talking about the books he loved was always hard for Alec. He didn’t know what to say because millions of thoughts wanted to leave his mouth but none was coherent enough. This is why he preferred writing about them. He could list all the points he wanted to cover beforehand and not forget anything. He always missed important details while talking and felt guilty later.How fitting that his favorite book wanted to avoid being explained and described as much as possible.“Who's the author?”“Mariam Petrosyan. She’s Armenian but the book was published in Russian. I even have an original edition that includes deleted scenes and translated the additional chapters myself. Shit, now I want to reread it.”Magnus laughed. “I guess this speaks for itself.” Alec tilted his head in question. "About this book being your favorite." He was staring at the floor. “I never had a book that gave me a sense of comfort or an opportunity to forget the real world. My mind always gets carried away if I had an argument before or something like this. I can’t focus and have to reread the same page several times, sometimes even out loud, to finally get the idea of what is going on.”Magnus shared his struggles more freely, not concerned with trying to appear flawless or without insecurities or failures.Whenever anything bothered him, he sought support he couldn’t find at home in Alec. Every instance of this reminded him of Camille’s words about infidelity and that it was just like buying a product in a shop. And an irking feeling that he was just used for his shoulder to cry on and a substitute ate him from inside, lynched on his joy of spending time with Magnus. He had offered to continue like this and hadn’t been opposed to it, but more often than not feelings weren’t rational."I have never understood why people use the words 'This is so cool, I would have never been able to do it as great' as a good compliment. In fact, it isn't a compliment at all." Magnus rubbed his forehead as if it was aching. He had come after promoting his new designs to his team and, apparently, something triggered old grudges and insecurities."If it comes from a person who had never done this, then I could do a bare minimum and still be better than them. It isn't flattering at all.”"And if a person is better than me, I instantly assume that they try to pity me and just lie for my sake. Because of course you will do better than me, your skill is way bigger than mine, you don't help me standing here and you underestimating your abilities isn't useful or reassuring at all."Because most of the time people say these words when they try to be sympathetic when you fail. But they never make it better." And typically after this he would expect Alec to point at his chest and let it get wet with bitter tears.Alec shared his worries as well and Magnus never declined to lend him a sympathetic ear.“Well, if you want to write your blog posts in French, then why not?”“Because my language is poor?”“Didn’t you say you have B2?”“Well, I misspell, I confuse some words, my vocabulary is poor and even though my vocabulary is quite broad, I still stick to this one word.” Alec counted on his fingers. “In English I can have at least some variety.”Magnus rubbed his chin. “Misspells can be easily edited.”“What if somebody points to them? Says that my language is too primitive?” Alec muttered.“What would happen? Like, the worst thing?”Alec fell silent. People would perceive him as stupid for not knowing basics and simple rules. Like, using a wrong preposition or confusing some words.That if he accidentally typed a lowercase letter instead of an uppercase, they would claim him as unprofessional. Thinking of insecurities like this, they seemed too insignificant, but little insecurities are like bugs. There were too many of them and they were too fast and sprinted in different directions. Killing a dozen little bugs is way more difficult than just a big one. When they climb you up, it is even worse.“Tell you a secret, Alexander.” Alec gulped. His full name shouldn’t sound so alluring on the lips of a married man. “Most people don’t care. If there’s a misspell, they would understand that it’s just a mistake. And people are not as captious as you when it comes to how a text is written. They wouldn’t probably even notice that one word appears too much in one paragraph.”“I’m not captious, I just read a lot and like when a text has a good style. But I wouldn’t criticize an unprofessional person for not being eloquent enough. It’s arrogant.”“See? You realize that judging people for something they don’t even claim to be good at is unfair. Your blog and language learning are your hobbies. They aren’t connected to your journalistic career. You do them for fun. Your hobbies should bring you joy, not be the other reason for anxiety. We all make mistakes, they are the process of learning. If you don’t make mistakes, you either don’t know that you do or just don’t make any progress.” Alec wanted to hug this man so much. And kiss. Shit, it was getting bad. No kisses allowed. Holding each other good. Kisses bad.Alec huffed to conceal his inappropriate thoughts. “Sounds hypocritical when coming from you.”Magnus looked away and tightened his lips. “Not being a bad parent is what any proper parent wants.”But Alec wasn't a person who shared many personal details. Unlike him, Magnus yearned to show his soul to the world but did no such thing because he had been burnt before and now preferred to keep himself to himself. Alec was his calm harbor where he could rest. And such transparency was delightful but voices in the back of his head stubbornly insisted that Magnus didn’t need him for anything else.Magnus (00:43): People want my achievements but nobody wants my struggle. They want their fashion lines to be as successful as my Falling Star was, but I doubt any of them would agree to be buried under the pile of deadlines and not being able to move a finger, deeming everything I do as pointless and constantly trying to not break apart and glue every falling off part on its place. I am grateful to those who supported and congratulated me on pulling off but what nobody understands is that I had to work through my blurry eyes, filled with tears, intrusive thoughts that told me that I failed my mother and couldn't help her. They want what's outside but don't realize that the inside is stuffed with skeletons and millions of missed shots.Magnus wasn’t whiny when he didn’t get a reply in a minute. But so used to Alec’s undivided attention, he was conscious if it wasn’t drifting away. Like he would lose Alec’s interest as it happened with Camille.Another ironic parallel. Magnus was tied hands and legs because he was afraid of losing his son. Max might not have been his biological child, there was always a chance Camille would want him. Out of spite of ulterior motives. And what if she would want double custody? And set him up against Magnus? Even though she dedicated not so much time to Max, unlike Magnus, she had a talent for getting under one’s skin and poisoning minds.Alec didn’t want to be somebody’s affair not only because he truly believed it was immoral and because his father ruined his family, but also out of quite selfish want to be the first priority. And in an affair you would always be left for somebody else, somebody you didn’t live up to.And oh the irony of fate, Alec was involved in an emotional affair with a married man. No matter how many times they called each other friends, it didn’t change anything. You could call black white and totalitarianism democracy, the truth didn’t change and adjusted to your words.And Alec was pretty sure friends didn’t think of each other late at night and imagined deftly arms, full lips, shapely legs while touching under the hem of boxers.But breaking this twisted bond was above Alec.Damned Anna Karenina and Alexey Vronsky. When did his life become a novel? Many people wished to fall between the pages of some romantic novel. But he was pretty sure they meant “Pride and Prejudice” and “Jane Eyre”. Ending up between the pages of “Romeo and Juliet” or “Anna Karenina” wasn’t that alluring. Especially in the body of Dolly or Anna.* * *Jace was driving the car and both he and Isabelle sang to Potential Breakup Song. This song because their unofficial hymn and even Alec, who had never been in a more or less serious relationship, screamed until his throat went dry and scratchy about dumping some imaginary boyfriend.It all began when Max was five. It played on the radio and he, sitting in a child seat, shook his hands in the air as if he held maracases. Since then his family had been doing it too and definitely sat with crossed arms, internally insulting his five-year-old version for having to put up with such humiliation.But now Alec plucked his ears with headphones and texted with Magnus. They had gone away to Paris for a week. In the photos Magnus’ appearance was… toned down. Like a sun behind the clouds. He still shone but not as brightly and blindingly.In his stories Magnus tagged people and complimented their dresses and costumes. For decency he posted one photo with Camille and his face forced in a smile.It pricked Alec again, the fact that there was no photo with him. Keeping relationship a secret was common for new couples and those who had affairs. Unfortunately, they belonged in the second category. Magnus had no intention of sharing him with the world and maybe it was flattering to be something he wanted to keep to himself. But not when he read comments about him and Camille being a couple people strived to be like. Nobody associated him with Magnus as if he was… unimportant, didn’t exist on his orbit.And how awful it was to feel like Vronsky. His wounded self-esteem in the scene in which Anna called her husband the best person in the world. The noble one. Him not being chosen. Left out in favor of the person who they supposed to hate. It all made sense now.Alec: hello, saw your photos, you look greatHe didn’t expect Magnus to answer fast as he was busy, he had other priorities than Alec, moreover, he had probably muted his phone, he…Magnus: thank you! does the suit fit well?Three winking emojis.Alec: seriously? You can put on my hole-y sweaters and go to the runaway with no problemMagnus: thank you again, Alexander! you know how to make a person feel desired.Magnus: shit it sounded wrongAlec: it’s fineIt wasn’t fucking fine.Alec stared stupidly at the word “desired”. Magnus implied Alec desired him. Not far from the truth. Did that averted Magnus? Or did he feel the same?“Alec!” a snap before his face. “Alec!” his sister raised her voice. “We arrived.”Mother dashed to them from the threshold and hugged them three. They rarely got together. Over the course of the last four years a new tradition appeared, an early Christmas dinner in the beginning of December because father couldn’t leave his family for Christmas, and mother had been dating her colleague Kadir and they spent real Christmas with him. But the fact remained the same, father was part of the family, besides Max lived with him. He was nineteen and studied in college and needed father’s financial support.From behind a not so very little brother now jumped on him and boxed Alec’s ears.“Did you listen to this stupud song again? I hate it”“Don’t lie,” said Jace, “I saw your Spotify.”Max didn’t grace it with an answer, just climbed down from Alec and hugged them by turns.“Don’t suck up to me,” his sister patted him on the head, “you won’t get your present before Christmas. I will give it to father and he will hide it.”“Well, I will find it!” Max stuck his chin up and stamped his feet to seem earnest.When Max claimed that he would stay with father after the divorce, it was a low blow. About a year Alec lynched himself, thinking that their little brother didn’t love them anymore because his siblings weren’t there to help him.But at the first post-divorce early family dinner Max cleared up that he made this decision because mother already had to take care of three children, college students, and he would be another burden for her. Seemed like silently deciding to hurt oneself in order to save the trouble to everybody else was an inherited trait. And causing pain nevertheless because they were very stupid to actually ask what the other needed too.After the first early family dinner Alec refused to attend them in the future. The wound, the grudge and the fury, which he kept under control for the most part of the year, emerged like Pandora’s box a few days before the date. Spending two Christmas family dinners was absurd, one together and pretending to be a real family and another one separately and truly happy.But this year Alec decided to give him a chance. He had no intention of forgiving his father. But he longed for understanding, stuck in a relationship with no prospect of anything good. And maybe his father knew this despair. He had to hope that father didn’t hate him in return after being given the cold shoulder continuously.They discussed the passing year at the table.“How did the runaway go?” asked father and forked a chicken piece.“Amazing!” his sister said mouthful.“Chew before talking, darling,” said mother, “or you will choke. We’ll wait.”Isabelle hastily chewed and swallowed salad and shared her impressions.
Everything was almost… normal. No accusing glances, no tension. Mother and father exchanged only a few words but didn’t pick a fight. The atmosphere hanging above them didn’t differ from their family dinners when Alec was ninteen himself.Max still dunked his dessert in ketchup. Dubious taste he inherited from his elder sister. Jace’s posture was straight and he sliced his meat like he was attending a royal reception. He wasn’t as cultured outside of such occasions but he always tried to make a good impression on Robert as he became his new father figure when Valentine was gone. Mother encouraged everybody to take a bite of her notorious blueberry pie and father slyly ate up the third piece.It wasn’t artificial. Just Lightwood-like. As if father didn’t leave. He may not live with mother anymore but he was here to talk to and hold.When their eyes met, Alec rapidly stared at his plate and tossed a piece of chicken around.“Alexander,” his mother addressed him, “is everything alright? If you’re full already, don’t eat. I won’t be offended.”“Everything is fine, mother,” he looked pointedly at father. “I want to talk to father personally.”In moments like this people choked on food or dropped the fork for dramatism, but in reality everybody stiffened and kept silent.Father pulled himself together first. “Sure, son,” he got up from the chair. “Let’s go to the living room.”Family photos stood on the shelves of the cabinet. Alec took one that had been made a few days later after Max’s birth. Mother was holding him and giggling which she rarely did. Isabelle stretching her arms to the infant, Jace and him were keeping her away. But there was no father in this photo. He took it. And when you took a photo, it felt like you weren’t there in the first place.“Alexander,” father called him and patted the sofa, inviting Alec to join. He sat down but said no word."How's the work?" father tried to find a topic to discuss.“Fine. They are filming a new adaptation of ‘Anna Karenina’ and offered me to write an article,” replied Alec with no enthusiasm.“I will read it,” promised father. “I read all your publications. Did you see my texts?”“Yes, I saw.”“But didn’t read.”“No.”He ignored all the messages from father, refused to accept gifts he had been sending. Father probably hoped the anger would subside. Time was ripe, apparently.“I actually wanted you to give me advice.”“Oh,” he clearly didn’t expect it. “Sure, Alexander, if it’s about work, I…”“No, it’s about my private life,” Alec interrupted.Father dropped his head. “Alexander, I know I wasn’t very acceptive when you came out but now your happiness is the only thing that matters to me. I hope your partner makes you happy.”“We…” Alec swallowed a lump in his throat. “We’re not dating. It’s complicated.”“It’s fine.” Father lifted his hand as if to pat him on the shoulder encouragingly but restrained himself.“It’s way more complicated,” Alec hugged his knees. “He’s married,” he admitted hoarsely, suppressing a sob.Father didn’t make a scene. No “Now you get it” and winning shit-eating grin. He just held him.“You have every right to not trust me,” he said finally. “But my intention never was to hurt you, not your siblings, not you, not your mother,” Alec snorted, unimpressed. “We can’t control what you feel. Unfortunately or not, my love for your mother has gone. And hers for me too. I just treated her poorly and she tolerated it for Max.”‘You don’t have to forgive him,’ Magnus had said. ‘But there is no hurt in trying to see the situation and from his point of view. Not for him, but for you.’“I’m not saying this excuses what I did.” Alec abruptly nodded. “But people rarely act logically under the influence of feelings. I fell in love.” It was like a deep knife cut. “We weren’t together long. But coming home I felt like there was something missing. It wasn’t home anymore. The only thing that indicated we were a family was marriage certificate and engagement rings.”“You could wait until the divorce!” shouted Alec.“I should’ve,” agreed father. “No day passes without me regretting it.”"Magnus isn't an immoral person," defended Alec even though father hadn’t accused him.“It is that man, right?” He got nothing in return. “I’m sure he is a good man. Neither you nor Magnus aren’t at fault for how you feel. What matters are your actions. If your feelings are based on mutual attraction and respect then this may end in something great.”“I… I have no idea what he feels. We… We just kissed. Under the influence of emotions. Never allowed anything more. I don’t know if he sees anything in me.”“Then you should ask. If Magnus doesn’t want it and you don’t wish to be his affair lover, you can break up. If he does, you can try solving the issue. It will not be easy. Divorce never is. Especially in a situation like this.”“But what if his wife will press him?” whispered Alec. “What if his son will hate me for ruining his family?”“Wow, Alexander, you’re in over your head,” chuckled father. Alec threw him an unimpressed look. “Sorry. But if you let these obstacles stand in your way, you will never get what you want.”There was silence again. Maybe they really had to clear everything up. They had met in the cafe to talk properly but it never happened. And later came the storm. Trying to avoid confrontation, they just dug the whole way deeper. Getting out of it wouldn’t be a piece of cake, they either would help each other or stay down and rot in it until they die.Anna died because she was ‘too moral’ as Magnus had said. Too sincere to hide her feelings. The same fate should dawn upon Magnus as well, literally and figuratively. But for this they had to get the grip of themselves.There was one question he would like to ask.“Why didn’t you come when Max's spine was broken after the accident?”Father stiffened. “I wanted, Alexander. Desperately. But I was in the courtroom and couldn’t leave.”“Okay.”So he didn’t have a good reason. Well, not everybody chose family over their work. Not everybody was noble. At least he wasn’t having sex, thank God for that.Alec stood up. “I didn’t forgive you.” Father’s face saddened for a moment. “Doubt I ever will. Not after Max. Not after cheating.” He glanced at the cabinet. “But I don’t want to cross you out of my life either. As I said, I doubt I’ll ever forgive you but you try to amend. I hope it’s from the heart. So I will try to step over my pride and be open to the dialogue.”Father patted him on the back."Don't hesitate to ask us for help. It’s you who always tries to help. You can’t bear the thought of burdening others. They can burden you with their stories all they want but you don’t give yourself the same luxury. You have an idea that if you share your problems, people would think that you want attention when others’ suffering are more valid than yours. But you are allowed to share, you are allowed to feel bad even when others have objectively or subjectively worse than you. Especially when it concerns your family. I assure you, neither Jace nor Izzy, nor your mother or Max or me will see it like that.”He wiped tears off Alec's cheeks with his thumbs. Alec wished Magnus could hear this. He should definitely tell him this.* * *
“My love keeps growing more passionate and egoistic, while his is waning and waning, and that’s why we’re drifting apart.” She went on musing. “And there’s no help for it. He is everything for me, and I want him more and more to give himself up to me entirely. And he wants more and more to get away from me. We walked to meet each other up to the time of our love, and then we have been irresistibly drifting in different directions. And there’s no altering that. He tells me I’m insanely jealous, and I have told myself that I am insanely jealous; but it’s not true. I’m not jealous, but I’m unsatisfied. But....”
The car was shaking and Alec almost never read while driving somewhere. But on occasions like this, when the book immersed him, it was hard to leave it be until he got home. Despite reading it before, the scene of Anna’s death never failed to scare him. The madness that had been breaking through Anna here and there and had been creeping its way all this time, finally released. Her unsteady and delirious thoughts and mind, not focused and constantly drifting away.But now Alec also knew the feeling. The atmosphere of not being able to stop the train, running in your direction at full speed and your foot stuck in the rails, that hung above them like the sword of Damocles. The despair and uncertainty. He shakily wrote his own stream of consciousness on a sticky note, attached over the last paragraph of the seven’s part.
“Lord, forgive me all!”
Yes, Lord forgive us for our sin, he prayed. May vengeance not hang its dawning sword upon us. For all my sin is love.* * *Magnus: I’m coming this Sunday!Alec checked the message for a hundredth time. The plane was meant to land ten minutes ago. The date was right. The place was right. He squeezed the stems of tulips. Alec had no opportunity to see Magnus’ face in real life so he decided to watch his interviews and in one of them he mentioned tulips being his favorite flowers.A screech went through the crowd. Alec abruptly raised his head.“They are here!”Alec figured that the place was so packed because Magnus and Camille were coming.Finally they passed through the gates. Magnus waved his hand and blew kisses to the crowd and elbows twined with Camille. She examined the people, and it seemed like her eyes stopped on Alec for a second. And then the catastrophe began.She turned to husband and her lips grabbed Magnus'. Alec clutched his teeth. It was a fraud. It didn't mean anything.Magnus hugged her waist. It was fine. He was just playing his role. But if it was the role of Dolly, Anna or a good husband, Alec couldn't figure it out.The crowd roared, camera flashes didn't let him see the two properly. But he distinctively saw Magnus' smile. After the kiss.
“Vengeance is mine; I will repay saith the Lord.”
Magnus once had peeped into his book and wondered why Alec wrote these words before the first chapter. For unknown reason the epigraph was omitted in his copy. Just like Anna and Vronsky forgot that after any sin came vengeance, Alec forgot it as well.
“Vengeance is mine; I will repay saith the Lord.”
They couldn't build their happiness on the ruins of Karenins family. Alec foolishly deemed himself smarter than them. That he would make them get divorced and then blissfully live with no remorse or hard feelings. Naive and stupid and presumptiois.Did he really plan to steal husband from the family? After the death of his family and divorce that had spat into his heart and trampled down his heart.
"Bapak and mother are twenty years together?" yelled the kid, exhilarated. "That's so cool! Means that they love each another so much, right?"
And, as usual, it was the child who suffered the most in divorce. Max, too young to grasp the complicated situation his family found itself in and as any child innocently believed that his parents were happy and that it was a normal thing for one of them to degrade the other.
“I’m not jealous, but I’m unsatisfied.”
Alec selfishly and shamelessly interfered with the private life of the family that wasn't even his own. As if he had a right to do it.
“Vengeance is mine; I will repay saith the Lord.”
To Alec's mind, many failed to understand the epigraph accurately. It didn't imply that society, for she didn't care about its opinion, or God punished Anna. No, she punished herself. First she lost her reputation, then son, then mind and life. She gradually fell into the abyss.The same was doomed to dawn upon Alec. He buried his morals and formed a bond with a married man and didn't cut it when things got out of control, let Magnus kiss him and then they started dating. The pattern was shockingly obvious.He should've shunned Magnus like a plague the moment he had developed a crush on him.If he continued like this, he would commit two sins, adulter and theft. He would steal the husband. And all these in the name of love. Love was an excuse for anything. It didn't make deeds any more noble.Alec dashed off towards the exit.
“Vengeance is mine; I will repay saith the Lord.”
Was Alec seriously so stupid to think that the press would let Magnus live peacefully after this? The moment they found out that he left his wife for his affair lover, it would make his life a living hell. It would call him cheater and bastard and other insults Camille never dreamed of using. Their carelessness would come back biting them.And this Camille's infidelity… What if it had never happened? Maybe Magnus had made it up? So that Alec would pity and stay with him, betrayed and so miserable. Having a wife like this, who wouldn't fall for his teary story?
“Vengeance is mine; I will repay saith the Lord.”
Alec found himself in a park. Weight in his palm. Tulips.He had to get rid of these damned flowers."Alexander!" Not now. Why now. "Why did you run away? I saw you when we passed through the gates. I and Camille weren't going to come back together.""Ah, so if you are commuting separately, it means you are free to take your affair lover along?" ‘Lover’, such a sublime word, was dirty in mud."What affair lover are you talking about? Alec, you aren't my lover!" These words felt like a million punches in the guts at the same time. "We are friends!"Alec laughed, unamused. "You don't believe in this bullshit yourself! Magnus, the fact that we didn't kiss or fuck doesn't mean it wasn't cheating.""But… But… " He was out of arguments. He didn't have very much in the first place. "Alec, listen, I get it that you must not be pleased with… ""You actually gave thought to the prospect of me not enjoying being the secondary character in your life? Wow!" Pretending indifferent and holding tears that threatened to pour down at any moment wasn't a piece of cake."Alec," sobbed Magnus. "Listen to me," a loud sniff. "I've been thinking how should we continue this—""No, Magnus, we shouldn't continue this relationship." Magnus took a few steps back as if these words slapped him. "I don't want to be an affair lover. It is convenient for you to appear at my threshold when you don't feel good at home, cry on my shoulder and leave and live as usual." Alec threw tulips into his face. They fell into the puddle of mud before Magnus' feet with rustle.Magnus rushed to pick them up and shake off the dirt."You try so hard to save them, " Alec huffed a laugh that sounded like a cry. Or cried and it sounded like a laugh. "Did you try as diligently to save your marriage?""Alec, you're mad but it doesn't mean you can insult me," Magnus held the dirty bouquet close to his chest."Oh yeah, only Camille can do so and get away with it. Double standards. But I'm just an affair lover, my feelings don't matter!" Tears blurred his vision and they streamed across his cheeks like from a broken faucet."Alexander, I'm trying to say that," Magnus reached out his hand to touch him but Alec pushed him away and hard."Don't touch me," with his face covered in snivel and red it must have been not menacing at all. "Deal with your fuckings shit and then tell me what to do. You had better not text me or approach me at all."Throwing flowers into his face seemed too little and insignificant of a gesture. So the next second Magnus' face smashed with Alec's copy of "Anna Karenina". Magnus tried to dodge but it slapped him in his cheek and left a burning mark."Read this and see what fate awaits cheaters," Alex glanced at the book in the mud. "What? Don't want to pick it up? As if give a fuck."Alec ran away towards the exit from the park. Towards the exit from this nonsense, lies and filth.* * *
Idris Gossip Column
Happy Families Are All Alike; Every Unhappy Family Thinks It's Unhappy In Its Own Way
Magnus Bane, a renowned and praised fashion designer, was caught in a very compromising moment. Seems like we witnessed a scene of dramatic break up between him and his, as the man called it, "affair lover". Oh, what an irony that the book that was thrown at his face along with the flowers and which Mr. Bane clutched so tightly is the infamous "Anna Karenina".
The question arises, will the train of cancellation ran over our lovesick Twitter-proclaimed bisexual "icon" or Twitter will bark but not bite yet again and swallow up this disgrace and continue praise him and support his not so eco-friendly fashion brand "Great Poison" after he posts another one of his obscene photos?
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Did you ever strive for acceptance? For a full and undivided feeling of being cherished and loved? I'm sure everybody did. Being loved means you are accepted. And not being accepted is the worst thing society can do to you.
But it so happens sometimes that we aren't needed by people who are supposed to love us. Or they at least don't want to burden themselves with the prospect of taking care of us. Society sees no necessity in keeping us in and bother itself with it. Such people may group together and find support and need in each other. Like the characters from "The Gray House" by Mariam Petrosyan.
Many people I talked with about this book seem to have trouble describing what it is about. We love it so much but have no words to describe it. Probably because The House doesn't want any intruders to come in. If a person is destined to become a part of The House, they will find their way. A little pretentious and over the top mystical? Maybe. But this is the part of what makes this book so alluring. It doesn't let anybody read it. Many drop reading it because the narration is unnecessarily complicated, too many characters to learn at once, too many things seem ridiculous. Citizens of The House say it "didn't let you in".
“I’m sorry but I can’t make it this Sunday.”“Oh, what’s the reason?” asked Catarina.“I don’t feel like it,” lied Magnus partially.Please, don’t press further. Please, don’t press further. Please-“Oh so you don’t have time to spend with your mere mortal friends after the successful runaway,” she teased him.Magnus opened his mouth to excuse himself but Catarina was faster.“See you when you leave Max at mine..”“Yeah,” said Magnus weakly.Catarina hung up.Magnus leaned back in his seat.I did well, he reminded himself.Was it odd to praise yourself for something so simple as declining the offer? Most people wouldn’t even think twice. To him it was like a feat.It wasn’t like he put down the offer to hang out with Ragnor and Catarina because he didn’t like their company and just came up with a weak excuse. But the last few weeks had drained him and he craved rest. And a new concealer, these circles were enormous.Again, Magnus scolded himself. Again you excuse yourself even though nobody asked you to.He sighed deeply. “This interview was going to be a disaster.”“Yes, it will be,” mumbled Raphael who still pretended to sleep, his head hung over his chest.“For a personal assistant you don’t assist that well.”“Personal assistant’s job is to provide you with information without hiding anything. I do just this. No let me have my rest, God sees I won’t have it when we face Morgenstern.”Sebastian Morgenstern.He had been hearing this name far more than he wanted to during the last two years. From a gossip column, if you squint, journalist who nearly ruined his career and reputation to a host of his own scandalous show. Magnus really admired the audacity some people had. They were refusing all conscience they probably had never even had in the first place when he had to muster all his will to refuse to go to the bar with his friends.But what wouldn’t a person do for some publicity?“We arrived,” said Elias as the car came to a halt. “Good luck.”He rarely added anything to “We arrived”. Magnus’ heart sank from appreciation.“Thank you. See you later. Hopefully, we won’t have to skedaddle to another country.”“The ride to the airport takes thirty minutes if we break the rules,” informed Elias and lit up his cigarette. “You better take care of the tickets by that time.”Magnus huffed a laugh and got out of the car. Adjusted the pearl bracelet on his wrist. The heart in its center glowed dimly with warm light. The staff already stood at the front door of the studio. They only nodded at his greeting.That’s nothing, Magnus sighed internally. Don’t take it personally.“Raphael,” whispered Magnus, “can you take my hand?”“No,” he said and patted him three times on the shoulder. Getting even one from Raphael was a sign of great support from him, few were granted to have three.“Thanks,” Magnus mastered a smile.“Don’t tumble on the threshold.”“You are so generous for sweet gestures today,” he commented when the staff showed the personal room.“Don’t get used to it, it’s my ten years’ norm,” Raphael sank into the chair.A stylist knocked. She applied some rogue to his cheeks and plastered down the strands that stick out. Three of them stayed silent. Magnus expected her to tear his shirt or throw a bucket of dirt over him. Who knew what to anticipate from Morgenstern? But she made a compliment to his lilac jacket and left the room after Magnus stammered a surprised “Thank you” to her.Magnus scratched his itchy shoulder.“Stop annoying me with your anxious face, she didn’t sneakily take a photo of you,” grumbled Raphael, glued to his phone. “Everything will be fine,” Magnus opened his mouth. “And stop thanking me, it’s getting annoying. Forget I’m here.”Magnus concealed a chuckle. “Yes, thank you for your support again.”“I said stop!” Raphael looked like a bristiling puppy who desperately tried to intimidate but failed and looked even more adorable. But he kept this observation to himself.Magnus stared at himself in the mirror. You’ll do great, you’ll do great, he kept repeating. It will be good for the sales.“Why did you agree to this?” asked Raphael, his eyes still on his phone.“I thought you wanted me to forget you are here?”“You have been doing so good since the divorce,” he continued. “Why do you deliberately let negativity invade your life?” Raphael finally looked him in the eye. “Not that I care, Catarina wanted to know,” he added.“Of course,” Magnus snorted. “But one thing I’ve learned from my marriage is how to grin and bear it. I would go as far as to call myself a master in it. One hour of passive aggression is nothing compared to ten years of it. I will take care of my emotional state later.”A concerned furrow. “Is it really worth it to disrupt your personal peace in favor of sales?”He said nothing. No use thinking of it now, he was already here. He couldn’t just run away now. Well, he was always good at running away from conflicts and the window would do just fine for it. But no. Besides, the rain started falling and he had washed this costume the day before yesterday. Sebastian wasn’t worth ruining it.A knock. Another girl came in and asked to follow her to the studio.Magnus got up and threw one last glance at Raphael. He chewed on the lip as if wanted to say something. But instead just said, “Good luck.”“I’m feeling like your favorite person now,” teased Magnus.“The faster you are done with this, the faster I go home so go away already.”True. There was nowhere Magnus would rather be than at home and playing with Max.“See you,” Magnus waved at Raphael and followed the girl.The audience deafened him with a roar of yells and applause. He closed his eyes and took in the positive energy. This would be probably the last good thing happening here. He better appreciate it.He exchanged a handshake with Sebastian whose eyes shined too predatorily. He fed off putting his guests in awkward situations. Be it needing to do something embarrassing or confessing their deepest secrets. The very embodiment of how the cancel culture didn’t work as it was supposed to.But this stare was too full of himself and conceited. The handshake too cold.Magnus clenched his fists to prevent them from shaking. Was it really worth it?“We finally have the pleasure to meet each other, Mr. Bane.”You mean the pleasure of you seeing the victim of your lack of basic human sympathy? Yeah, probably it was a pleasure to him.“I’ve heard a lot about you,” he said.“I bet you did,” Sebastian leisurely leant back into his armchair as opposed to Magnus who sat straight as stiff as a poker.He needed to take a breath and mirror his position. Faking the facade of happiness. Yeah, this was what he had been doing for many years.Even the chair tried to swallow him. He must’ve looked hilarious, laid back and clenching to the armrests. Magnus didn’t find this hilarious in the slightest though.“First of all, I want to congratulate you on your successful collection. You made a sensation. Sadly, I’m not that invested in the fashion industry, it’s called ‘Girly Dreams’, right?”Fucker. You know it very well. You’re not as subtle as you want to appear.“ ‘Childhood Slumber’,” he corrected. “Yes, it was inspired by my childhood memories of watching Barbie movies. I always loved the dress transformation scenes. Especially the one in Rapunzel.” He tucked the strand that had fallen on his forehead to seem more nonchalant.“How very sweet,” Sebastian let out a condescending laugh. “It’s like you are stuck in the teenage girl state.”Oh, shaming others' interests, nothing new.. If it turned out that his ex-wife cheated on him with this guy, Magnus wouldn’t even be surprised. And misogyny to add as a cherry on top.“My dear friend Isabelle Lightwood once said that society should finally admit that little and teenage girls just have better taste and allow themselves the luxury of watching old Barbie movies and the first four seasons of Winx Club. We would benefit from it immensely.”He gave himself a mental high-five.A lonely clap of two hands came from the audience. Magnus couldn't see where it came from but smiled nevertheless.“Well, now that you mentioned Isabelle…” continued Sebastian. “Are you two dating?”Magnus resisted the urge to tut and roll his eyes. The same questions again and again and again.“No, she is happily engaged as she announced not so long ago. I am not planning to ruin their happiness.”Fuck.No.He took the bait.No.He went still, preparing himself to the blow.But he could never prepare himself for what came next.“Oh I understand. I guess engaging in cheating once and ruining your own marriage was enough. I’m surprised her fiance lets her be friends with her.”Magnus made a few quick breaths. Gulped slowly.“Isabelle is a grown woman, she doesn’t care about what any man wants her to do. Even her fiance. Whom I am also in a good relationship with,” he gritted through his teeth.Remember what Catarina said. Ten seconds breathe in. Ten seconds don't breathe. And ten seconds breathe out. He must be looking ridiculous with a little puffed cheeks. But his mental state was more important than public image.Well, if he really cared about the former, he wouldn’t have come here in the first place.“By the way, I’m sure you saw the recent news about your ex-wife Camille and her interview?”This fucking grin. As if he would now open his mouth and bare his sharp shark teeth.“I’m not interested in her personal life,” said Magnus. “We live our separate lives after the divorce.”“Oh,” Sebastian raised his eyebrow but somehow his grin turned even more menacing. “Then I guess I should probably show this to you.”As if he wouldn’t have done it if he had given another answer.Across the screen appeared Camille’s face. Magnus hadn’t seen it for a year and didn’t plan on doing so. He pointedly stared at the cameraman in the corner.Unfortunately, he couldn’t stop listening.“Magnus and I had a very complicated relationship,” creeps went down his spine. “I felt like a princess at the beginning of our relationship. But since then it has been slowly falling apart.” A long sigh and a pause. Career in acting showed itself. “I guess my kindness played tricks on me. I wanted to break up a few times but took pity on him, hoping he would change, that he was having a bad time after his mother’s death.”Magnus locked fingers on his lap hard. Please stop. Get me out of here.“He was always locked in his study and never asked how my day went. And when I voiced that concern and asked how his day was, he replied, ‘Why do you care? You are so nosy.’ I never tried to do that again. But after some time he himself cornered me and demanded that I explain why I never cared to wonder how his work was. I was never in the right.”It’s him. It was him. He was neglected. Not her. It’s him. He was asking. Not her.“The situation with cheating was so hard to bear and comprehend. I, just like everybody else, learned it from the article. I couldn’t recognize the jubilant and energetic boy I fell in love with in that man.”It was him who didn’t recognize her. She was so caring in the beginning. She always called me late at night to chat about sweet nothings. She threw a tantrum if he didn’t pick up immediately and chose himself once in a while. She wanted him to abandon his needs and cater to hers.He couldn’t recognize himself either.“But now I’m happily married to my agent Ralph and am over him.”He was such an idiot. He reached out to him. Warned him. To be called a crazy ex and “exactly what Camille told me about”.“So I politely ask you to never bring up him in conversations with me.”Years of no contact went to waste now.Years of stopping himself from checking her social media.Years of restraining himself from replying to her messages about her reminiscing the past and saying he was the best person she ever encountered.Years of looking for answers why he was never enough.If he was that bad and she was that good and such a saint, why hadn’t she fucking left him. Maybe because he needed to drain him and feed herself, because he was just a source of self-validation for her.Magnus snapped his fingers once, twice, thrice but no proper answer came.He visibly shook and tears threatened to flood the room the next second and he wanted to run away and his legs turned numb.“Why are you shaking, Magnus?” asked Sebastian in a mock concern. “Is the truth that hard to bear?”Run away. Close the door. Run away. Close the door.First and foremost, breathe, had said Catarina. Count to ten.Breathe in. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eig-He couldn’t take in anymore.Now hold your breath, continued Catarina. Count to ten.One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen.And finally breathe out, to ten.One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight.“Why are you staying silent?”When you control your breathing. You control your bodily reactions. You are too focused on one single task to drift away to upsetting thoughts.Tears still here but didn’t brim. Progress.And finally, concluded Catarina. You aren’t obligated to play down your feelings and make a joke out of them. They matter. If it upsets you, you have the right to be upset. You don’t have to explain the reasoning.Magnus closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Then half-opened and stared at Sebastian as calmly as he could. “I ask you to stop bringing up the topic of my marriage. I came here to discuss my job. I will leave if this happens again.” He clenched his jaw and teeth.Sebastian clearly didn’t expect this. “What? It was just a joke. You take it too seriously.”Ah, gaslighting. His favorite. Why did he keep bumping up into narcissists after reading up so much about them? These two would make great friends.“I don’t take it too seriously,” he almost whispered, his voice still sore and tight from sobbing. “I feel bad.”“I see why Camille divorced you. You make a mountain out of a molehill.”Magnus stood up on his shaking legs. “I deliberately asked you not to bring it up. Yet you do it. Even when my agent sent you instructions which state that this topic is not allowed. I’m leaving.”He should’ve stride with his shoulder broad like a winner but he cowardly raced off, almost tumbling on the threshold. Fantastic.Raphael already waited for him at the door of the personal room.“Let’s go,” he said and hugged him.Wow, noted Magnus subconsciously. A hug from Raphael. I must be special.“Yes, you are, let’s leave,” murmured Raphael. Did he say it out loud?Thankfully, Raphael took his hand and guided him to the car because Magnus could see nothing but distorted silhouettes through his blurred eyes.Raphael tucked him in the car and told Elias to drive home.He gave a handkerchief to him. “Wipe these tears. painful to see you like this.”“My makeup must be ruined,” commented Magnus, seeing the purple eyeshadow left on the handkerchief.“This is what concerns you now?” exclaimed Raphael.Magnus flinched and went still. “I’m sorr-”“No, I’m sorry,” sighed Raphael and dialed somebody’s number. “I shouldn’t have screamed. And let you agree to this.”“I’m such an idiot,” nodded Magnus.Raphael said nothing and shoved the phone to Magnus’ ear.“Magnus,” said Catarina, concerned, “how are you?”“I’m fine.”“No, you aren’t. Be honest. At least with yourself.”He stayed silent. What did he feel? Betrayal? No, Sebastian never had his trust in the first place. Anger? Not precisely, he had no urge to scream and throw a tantrum. Upset? More close.“I feel like I’m an idiot.”Was this even a feeling?“Keep going,” encouraged Catarina.“Like I was so naive to believe that this could go any other way. I’m so pathetic. I did so well over the last two years. I’ve avoided her. And now this all is wasted.”“It isn’t wasted,” she argued. “Making a mistake doesn’t mean your hard work is wasted. You just have to learn from it.”“But what if I’m making the same mistake all over again?” Magnus watched as the cars went by in the window.“Then you need to figure out why and how to fix it.”“But I try so many times! Why does she still crawl down my skin even when I don’t see her?”“I don’t know the answer to this, Magnus. I can offer you support, but only you know what you feel.”Magnus growled. “Why the fuck I’m so stupid?” he implored. "I was so stupid to agree to attend this interview," sniffed Magnus.
"You did what you thought was the best," said Catarina. "Don't go hard on your former self, he couldn't know what would come. Now you know and can avoid making the same mistake again."
Magnus wished she wasn't talking with him on the phone but embraced him in her arms. Her peony perfume always calmed him down.An incoherent noise came from the phone. “I have to leave for the patients now.”“Oh,” sighed Magnus. “I’m sorry for disturbing y-”“None of this,” she cut off. “Inform me if something bad happens again. I’m ready to listen.” She hung up.Magnus handed Raphael the phone. “I want to think about it for a bit.”Raphael nodded and texted somebody.
“I guess my kindness played tricks on me. I wanted to break up a few times but took pity on him, hoping he would change, that he was having a bad time after his mother’s death.”
Huh, masterfully done. Even though it was him who was feeling awful at the time, she made herself the victim. Yes, he was in pain but she was suffering as well and helped and she was such a good person for staying with her horrible husband, please, admire her.
“I cheated because you didn’t dedicate time to me. If you did, I wouldn’t have done it.”
Translation: it is your fault I acted the way I did even though it was my free choice. Change for me but I will never be satisfied with your efforts.
She confessed right after he was promoted to a senior designer. Probably to knock him down a peg. So that he wouldn’t think he was any better than her and stopped being compliant. So that he would think “Where do I lack? What did I do wrong? What can I do to make her be like she was in the beginning, attentive and supportive? She was like this… right? Or was it my wishful thinking? It can’t be…”
Magnus unlocked his phone and found the record “Birthday”. Tapped on it. Then tapped again to stop it. He couldn’t listen to this in front of others. Not with them hearing it anyway.
“Raphael, do you have headphones?”
He expected him to reply like, ‘I thought you wanted me to leave you alone” but the man just silently unzipped his bag and handed him them.“Thank you.”He tapped on the record again.I still feel awkward doing this, said his voice from four years ago. Was he really so tired back then? He sounded like he would collapse on the spot. But I finally feel like I control something. Camille is away on business and Max is sleeping for a week so nobody should disturb me. Um… I guess I have to say that it was her birthday last week? I made her a dress she gushed about so much but couldn’t purchase. I thought it looked exactly like the photos she sent me. Jade color and covered in glitter like a bright constellation. But she said the collar was too high. I changed. Then she said it was too long. I changed. Then she said she didn’t have shoes to wear with it so she wouldn’t put it on. I… I don’t get it… If you don’t like something, why not say it straight away?It wounded Magnus right in his heart.Because you will never be perfect, he wanted to scream. Because it doesn’t matter what you do, you will never get back into the first months of your relationship. Nothing will become better. Because it was all a lie. Because it was all a fraud. A bait you swallowed absentmindedly.Magnus scrolled down and tapped on the record “The Door”. What was this about? Camille never slammed doors. She was great at staying reserved even when Magnus was on the brink of tears and crying.I’m such a coward, he wheezed. I’m such a fucking coward.Oh no. No. No. No. It was that one.I had made up my mind. I will talk about divorce with her. Before she came I had been so sure and calm. But the moment I heard the door lock, I went still. I was shaking. All but crying. I watched her through the doorway. She was texting with somebody. Was it some of her suitors? I don’t know anymore. All I know is that the mere thought of approaching her with this conversation is terrifying me. Nothing bad would happen. She never hit me. She never screamed. But the prospect of her saying, ‘You’re so ungrateful. So pathetic. I endured so much for you and this is how you pay me’ makes my leg tremble, he fumbled. I’m such a coward.A pause. Magnus hoped he would stop at this. But he knew better.
I’m a terrible father as well. Max asked me what happened when he entered the room and I, hastily wiping the tears, said, ‘Nothing. You’re imagining it, darling’.
You’re just imagining it. You’re just projecting.How many times did he hear this? Way too many. How many times did he hear ‘I love you’? He could count them on the fingers of his one hand.
And I’m an awful friend. I know how it feels to hear ‘You know’ when you ask ‘What’s wrong?’ Yet I did it. Ragnor looked so sad and Catarina appeared almost afraid. Why did I do this to them? They are the only close people besides Camille and Raphael I have. You start going through everything you’ve done fast forward to figure out. But there’s never a right answer. Maybe… Maybe… It’s not her who is a bad person but… Me? It’s me who made her defend herself? And she just adapted the strategies of self-defense? But I don’t remember being like this before… Maybe I’ve become like this… I fucking don’t know anything now…
No, no, no, you aren’t. You did what you could. You are in a better place now. You did it.Suddenly the phone was snapped out of his hands.“I will take it forever if you keep going,” said Raphael in his ear after he unplugged the headphones.Magnus scratched his forehead. Tears. Fucking tears. His eyes were dry and somehow he still was tearing up.“I- I didn’t mean to,” he explained.“I’m sure you didn’t,” sighed Raphael. “But you can’t do this to yourself. It wasn’t your fault that you bumped into her, you can’t run away all your life. But only you can decide whether she is worth obsessing over after you’ve parted your ways once again.”“How do you know I was-”“I just know. It wasn’t that hard.”Magnus fiddled with the pearl bracelet on his wrist. “Yes… Can I have my phone now?”Raphael studied him closely. “Do it once again and it flies in the garbagecan immediately.”“We don’t throw appliances in the garbage, it’s not eco-friendly,” pointed Magnus.Raphael made a poker face, threw him the phone and turned away.Magnus unlocked the phone. What should he do? The thoughts about her ambushed him from every corner. Buzzed around like annoying mosquitos. Crawled up like spiders. Bruh.Magnus scrolled the tabs. Oh, the article he hadn’t finished reading.
Not to sound like a fanboy (who I am) who sees hidden signs in the places that do not obviously have them but this book is great at queer-coding.
“I had never met anyone else so beautiful it hurt just to look at them. Noble was the only one. About a month ago he had knocked out one of my teeth when I locked wheels with him, coming out of the canteen. I’d never seen him up close before. I hadn’t even had time to think. I’d just stared and missed what he was saying. Next thing I knew the beautiful elf swung for my jaw, and that was the end of the rapture.” - Smoker
“If I were Ginger I wouldn’t be saying things like that, not under the heavy gaze of Noble’s burning eyes. In fact, with him looking like that, which is inhumanly beautiful, I’d have probably lost the ability to speak altogether.” - Tabaqui
“I straighten up and dutifully imagine Black. In all the shiny glory of his splendid muscles. It really is not hard.” - Sphinx
The first two lines are the thoughts of the characters who have no interest in the female cast of the book (which is magnificent, no doubt even though they play significantly lesser role in the plot, sadly) whatsoever and the third belongs to the boy who is in love with Mermaid but for all we know he can be bisexual or pansexual? I mean these were the thoughts I had while being in the closet. Literally. I was reading books in the closet because my younger siblings couldn’t turn down the volume of their games to less than 113. Well, maybe I never had a fleeting crush on a boy who knocked out my tooth but you get my point. I have a belief that nobody in the Fourth is straight, Noble is just that beautiful. Had I read this book earlier in my life, I would’ve said that I was bitten by him, not by a very gay spider my teenage mind came up with for some reason when my dad asked what turned me gay.
Magnus chuckled. He certainly hadn’t lost his sense of humor over the last few years. And passion for ranting about insignificant details because “I care”.* * *“Max, are you cold?”“No,” said the child stubbornly.“Then why do you hide your hand in the sleeves?”“I like it that way.”“You do? Maybe you should put on gloves?”Max shook his head.“Okay,” agreed Magnus. “Tell me if you need them.”“I’m fine!”With his face flushed from the cold and hat tossed to the side a little he looked unbearably cute. Magnus squatted and hugged him.“Why do you do this?” asked the child but circled Magnus in his small arms. Or tried at least.“Because I feel like it.”Good parents don’t show their love only as a reward. Their love is unconditional but the child can’t see it if they don’t show it, so he read.“Well, I feel like I want to eat an ice-cream!” claimed the child.Magnus chuckled. “Later, okay? It’s not good to eat it in the cold but we will buy it on the way home.”Max pouted. “But bapak…” he groaned.“No, let’s go to the playground, shall we?”Max nodded after a moment and tugged Magnus at his scarf, marching to the playground.“Bapak, look!” he pointed at the slide and ran towards it. “You’re so slow,” claimed the boy, climbing up the stairs. “When you come here, I will be older than you!” he screamed and laughed as sliding down.And ending up right in Magnus’ hand. “Aha! I caught you!” he started tickling him. “Who do you call an old, young man?”Max westled, trying to fight and escape. “Stop, bapak!” he giggled. “It doesn’t tickle when I wear a jacket!”In the end Max chose the swing. “More, bapak! I want to fly!”“Then hold tighter,” said Magnus and pushed the swing.Max laughed hard and even imitated a bird flapping its wings with one hand.“I said hold tighter,” repeated Magnus, leaning on the pillar. “Or I will call Aunt Catarina.”“No!” cried the child. “You will tell her I have a broken arm again. It was a little ouchie!”“Your bapak was scared, you can’t blame him.”“Aunt Catarina said you like to exag- exagge- exaggerate!” Max squealed with delight when Magnus pushed the swing again. Huh, Max learned a new word. In his absence while he was away, carrying out the runaway. He missed this one too.Magnus gulped. Camille too had said he had a tendency to overreact.Shit, again. He fought the urge to growl. Why the fuck did she get to live her happy life with the man she had cheated on him with and he had to deal with the damage she had done? And now thanks to her half of the Internet thought he was a shitty person. Raphael threatened to confiscate his phone, laptop and even toaster so that he didn’t check what Twitter had to say about him. And all these memes and jokes about him almost crying and panicking on the television were so fucking hilarious, so funny when a person is mocked and his requirements are played for laughs.“Bapak,” said Max in a half-whisper.Magnus snapped out of his reverie.“Is everything alright?” asked the boy.“I’m fine, Blueberry,” sighed Magnus.“No, you aren’t,” Max jumped from the swing and grabbed his hand. “You said that when you share it helps to feel less pain. Share it with me.” He pursed his lips and furrowed to, presumably, look more serious.Magnus smiled faintly and patted his head. “Thanks, Blueberry, but I don’t want to bear you with my adult problems.”“But why?”“Because they might scare you. I’m afraid that you will think you need to solve them. But you don’t have to. I’m a grown man and should deal with them myself. Not let a child to concern himself with things that aren’t his responsibility.”Max made a thoughtful face, tapping his little index finger on the pillar. “But how can I help?”“Max, it’s not your responsibili-”“But I want to help!” exclaimed the child. “Is it bad?”“No, it isn’t. But I want you to remember the thing that took me too long to learn and I still struggle with it at times. You don’t have to help people at the cost of your own well-being. You can’t help if you aren’t in the right place. And it will also make those who you help feel guilty for bothering you with their problems. You should be your first priority. People who truly love you won’t be mad at you for choosing yourself.”Max seemed to be worried.“I’m sorry, baby! I shouldn’t have drop this all on y-”“Can I at least hug you?” asked Max.Magnus nearly teared up. “Sure, Blueberry.”The boy made braggy-hands and reached out to him. Magnus grinned, “You’re quite heavy,” Max stomped his foot but looked too adorable. Magnus gave in and took the child in his arms, “Thank you. That’s more than enough,” he sobbed.After some time Max whined, “Bapak, my hands are cold.”Magnus snorted. “If I were petty, I would have said, ‘I told you so’.”Max folded his hands and demanded to put him on the ground.Strolling with his son’s little gloved hand in his, Magnus relished the view of the park, dressed in the snow. Snowflakes whirled in the wind, invited to the dance. The sun had already started to set. Right now he was so grateful to fate for giving him his son, his family, his life. Maybe he could’ve had this without living through constant feelings of doubt, guilt and shame but nothing could be done about it.The books didn’t lie. Understanding didn’t make dealing with consequences easier, but it gave hope it would end. He hadn’t fully solved his problems but it didn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy these moments.Max tugged his sleeve and pointed at the snowman they passed by. Actually, it was quite creepy with his stick hands and hole-eyes that watched them closely. He quickened his pace. Who knew what might happen.A bullfinch sat on the branch, stirring the snow to fall. He showed Max it. The child instantly wanted to take it home.“No, we can’t, we already have Chairman and he is rather jealous,” said Magnus.“But bapak,” whined Max.“No, you already asked for a guinea pig for your birthday.”“I will get it?!”Magnus stayed silent. He doubted Max was old enough to have a pet of his own. Once Chairman almost scratched his eye because Max held him too hard. And Magnus’ schedule usually was too loaded to take care of even Chairman, let alone another pet.Max pouted again. Then he stood still. “Bapak, look, is this Aunt Isabelle?”Magnus turned his head where he pointed. Towards them walked indeed Isabelle and some man. Not Simon for sure. Not Jace, her adopted brother she had introduced to him, either. But oddly familiar. Very similar to her.“It’s her, yes,” confirmed Magnus.Max dropped his hand and ran to her. “Aunt Isabelle!”“Max!” screamed Magnus.The boy ambushed her, almost knocking her down. But the man supported her.“Hey, hey, young man,” she said and patted his head, “it’s not polite to catch people off guard.”“Hello, Izzy,” Magnus said as he approached them. “I apologize.”“It’s fine,” she smiled and turned to her companion who turned away for some reason. “Hey, why don't you say ‘Hi’? You two haven’t met for two years.”Haven’t met for two years?The man reluctantly looked at him.Shit.Alec.“Hi,” he stammered and turned away again.Max furrowed at the sight of Alec which Magnus didn’t expect. He was an amiable child.“Max, do you remember Alec?” asked Magnus. “He was my… friend and visited us often at some point.”Max concealed his face in his scarf and nodded with hesitation. “Yes,” he muttered.“That’s so great Alec came back!” Isabelle broke the awkward silence. “You can now finally catch up with each other!”She knew perfectly why they had parted their ways. Did she try to smooth the embarrassing moment? Yeah, probably.Alec hummed.Damn, this was so awkward.“Yeah,” agreed Magnus, “I recall I have a book to retrieve. ‘Anna Karenina’, remember?”Alec nodded and stared at his feet. “I- I’ll text you,” he stuttered, “you haven’t changed your number?”Magnus shook his head. He hadn’t. But he thought Alec did. As he hadn’t answered any of his messages for two years.“Bapak,” Max grabbed his arm, “you promised ice-cream when we go home.” He dragged him along. “Let’s go.”“Y-yes, Blueberry. See you, Isabelle.”“Goodbye, Magnus,” Isabelle waved at him and she and Alec, who didn’t glance at Magnus, walked away.“Go, bapak,” groaned Max.When they bought a chocolate ice-cream for Max and a banana one for Magnus, he asked, “Why did you want to go so fast? You love Aunt Izzy.”“I want my ice-cream,” the boy bit his one.Magnus didn’t really believe it but Max was a stubborn child and would stay silent if one kept pressuring him, so he decided to ask him later.* * *As the closing credits of ‘Barbie of Swan Lake’ appeared on the screen, Magnus turned off the TV. Max had fallen asleep at least half an hour ago. But many times when he had thought Max was sound asleep and decided to put to bed, the boy opened his eyes and demanded watching the movie until the end.Magnus picked him up and moved him to his bed. But Max still clutched to his arm. It felt like only yesterday he decided to take him in after Annabel and Malcolm died in a car crash. A three year old lonely child. Magnus couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing these sweet eyes ever again.But it wasn’t the only reason. It all came down to feeling obligated in his life, right?Annable and Maclolm helped him immensely to push his label. First Annabel posted pictures of dresses he customized for her on Instagram. Magnus found himself under the avalanche of orders to sew the same dress as hers the next week. At first he did it all on his own but later he couldn’t deal with them without help. Malcolm recommended him a factory and financed him. He would’ve never made it this far without their support.Adopting their child was the least he could do to show his gratitude.Camille wasn’t ecstatic about adopting a child but said he would have to deal with Max on his own as she was too busy with the movie she was offered to star in. Female models are out of business quite early as they don’t cater to the audience's want of youth so she had to find a way to earn money somehow after it would inevitably end. Of course, these double standards of youthfulness and freshness don’t apply to men. As usual.Shit. He did so great this day without thinking about her. Why did he have to fail in the evening? She was like a small rock in a shoe which followed you everywhere until you could take the show off and get rid of it. Magnus wasn’t sure when he would get rid of this one though.Magnus tucked the duvet and left the room.A notification came. Then another. 9:13 pm. Too early to sleep.He checked it. It was from Alec. Two years ago a message from him would be the most constant thing in his life. Now it was both a surprise and a dread.Alec: hello. Kind of strange to text you after so much time. First, I have to apologize for what I did. I was upset but it’s no excuse to treat you like I did. Your personal life was damaged as well. If you don’t find it possible to forgive me, I understand itAlec: I by no means say we have to meet. You can keep the book. I’ve bought another copy anywayMagnus looked at the charm Alec made for him. He had had an urge to throw it away before. But he couldn’t.
"It brings you strength. To become stronger physically and internally. Inside the heart there is a thing that will help you to acquire strength. You need it. Also under no circumstances should you open the heart."
Magnus wondered what so important was inside this little heart that might sabotage everything. But he never opened it. Maybe he inherited some bit of magical thinking from his mother after all. Or he just wanted to believe in miracles.This pearl bracelet was the only thing that had been with him through the whole period of divorce and after it. The moment he asked for divorce he felt like somebody had taken his hand, the one on which the charm was, and guided him. Surely, his friends helped. But they had their separate lives and had no opportunity to babysit him all the time. So the only things he always had were himself and the charm. Surprisingly, it helped.Alec had left the city shortly after the whole “cheating reveal”, as Camille called it.“I knew this boy was here just to make a fast fortune,” she would say. Nevermind the fact that the article’s author was written right in the beginning. “He just hides behind the pseudonym.”Magnus had almost believed her. Maybe all these complaints about co worker Sebastian had been a way to divert attention. But, thankfully, Isabelle and Jace had shown him the photos of Sebastian and his other articles that all revolved around gossip about celebrities. Alec quit the job a week later and started working for ‘Downworld Daily’, much more respectable periodical than ‘Idris’.Magnus went to his bedroom and opened the bookcase.He hadn’t harbored any fury or anger for Alec. Mostly he was disappointed. Not in Alec. But in himself. It seemed back then that he had no reason to divorce Camille anymore. What would be the point if nobody would be waiting on the other side anymore?But he thought like this only until a certain moment.“Here you are,” said Magnus as he took the copy of ‘Anna Karenina’ from the shelf. It was a bit shabby after bathing in a dirty puddle at Magnus’ feet but he did all he could do to clean it up. Magnus flipped through until he stopped on page 808.
Throughout the whole book Magnus reminded me of Dolly. And he does share a few traits with her. But he resembles Anna too. His desperate search for happiness and way to express his love. But he can’t just cheat like Betsy or Stiva do. Like Anna, he is too moral for such shameful actions. But I don’t want this for myself, to be just a replacement and be a vessel for unrequited and unreleased feelings. But more than that, I don’t want Magnus to leave her because of me. Yes, this sounds conceited and too much to ask but… I love him. Love is selfish. I selfishly want him for myself. But at the same time I don’t want him to leave because of me. Because this way he chooses me. But I, first and foremost, want him to choose himself. Whether we become a couple or not, I sincerely wish he fights for himself. Even now I talk about my ‘wants’, but what about his? I truly wish he figures them out and finds his happiness. With or without me. ‘Anna’ doesn’t leave much hope neither for a cheater as Anna dies nor for a party who has been cheated on like Dolly. The thing is, life isn’t a novel that follows certain rules of storytelling. Life doesn’t give a damn about the fact that the characters should reach their happy ending. So the only ones who should care about doing so are ourselves.
Alec’s handwriting was neat as far as he could remember but this note was written shabbily and roughly. Presumably because he was in the car at the time.Hypocrite, Magnus chuckled to himself. Complaints that reading isn’t an activity for entertainment and passing time in a car but does this exact thing. And rants and rants and rants.Alec had loved him. Maybe he still did. All the harsh things he had said may have been true but this note must’ve been true as well. And he wanted Magnus to be happy. Not because Alec could do this but because Alec believed Magnus was enough to be the reason for his own happiness.He had wanted Max to have a full family. He had wanted Camille to love him and care about him. He had wanted Alec to not leave him. But what did he want for himself? That had been a mystery for him at the time.But not anymore. He wanted to enjoy his life, not to waste it, not to stay in the constant dread of being criticized and not meet somebody’s expectations. And he was still afraid of criticism and not meeting the standards but the fear was not as overwhelming as it used to be.So he chose himself. He didn’t run after Alec and ask him to forgive him. He would have time for it later. If Alec ever wanted him again, they would inevitably meet as he was friends with Isabelle.But at the time, Magnus chose himself. He still did it every day. Even when it was hard and it felt like everyone would judge him for doing so. He failed too. The occasions weren’t easy to accept. But without failing and learning, there’s stagnation. So Catarina must’ve been right once again.Magnus texted.Magnus: I forgave you. Are you free on Saturday at 5pm?The reply came rather fast.Alec: yes, I am. Where?After they discussed the details, Magnus didn’t know whether he should press further. Was it too late to try? Was it too early to find somebody else?Magnus: I’ve read your Tumblr post about The Gray HouseAlec: ohAlec: how was it?Magnus: you sure still like rambling about random details that have no significance to the plot whatsoever. I want to read the book now.Alec: they matter! All these points of view and time and third and first person changes make sense! They show how much characters are integrated in the House! Tabaqui talks in first person and present time because he lives in the moment! Combined with his loathe for clocks it all makes sense!Magnus sniggered. Same old Alec. Just the same as the day Magnus had fallen in love with him.Oh. Oh. Love.A fuzzy warm feeling appeared in his stomach.Magnus: as you say, nerd.Alec: don’t use dots at me!Magnus: don’t use exclamation marks at me.Alec sent him an emoji that stuck its tongue.They texted for an hour about nothing in particular like these two years hadn’t happened.Alec: it’s almost eleven, normal people sleep at that time. So goodnightMagnus wished him good night as well and put the phone on the bed table. After he put on his pajamas, Chairman barged into the room and meowed loudly.“I have fed you already, don’t ask again,” Magnus said and lied down on his bed.The cat kept meowing in the direction of the door.“I said no, Chairman,” he covered himself in a duvet.A cry.“Funny, you’ve learned to cry to beg for food.”Next moment Magnus leaped off the bed and dashed towards Max’s room.“Baby, Blueberry, what happened?” he held the boy to his chest.Max clutched to his pajamas and cried in it. “Don’t leave me.”“Shh, Blueberry, I will never leave you,” Magnus caressed his son’s spine. He must’ve had a nightmare. Poor baby.“But mommy left,” this casted a pang over Magnus’ heart. “And my other mommy and daddy left too. You can leave too,” he whispered.“They didn’t want to, it was an accident,” explained Magnus, hugging the boy tighter. “And mommy… She is too busy.”How could he tell a six-year-old that his mother never considered herself one? Parenting books hadn’t elaborated on that one."I feel," Max sniffed, "I feel like I ruin everything. I ruin clothes. I ruin home. I ruin your life. I feel like," a big tear crawled down his cheek, "like maybe you will be happier if I'm not here." The tears fell down on the bed.
Magnus wiped another tear from Max's face. "Oh, Blueberry." He pulled him into the hug. "You couldn't be more wrong."
"Don't cry, bapak," his son's small palms took his face and little thumbs wiped the tears from Magnus' face. "I don't want you to be sad. Not because of me."
“It’s not your fault,” said Magnus and kept caressing Max’s head. “But I can’t be happy when you aren’t.”“Don’t leave me,” pleaded the boy.Magnus winced. “Why would I do that?”“Y-You said you regret having me.”“In your dream?”“No, in the kitchen. In the old home,” stammered the boy. “When that man was with you.”Oh God. Fucking God.He almost said that he understood it the wrong way. But it would be lying.No hiding. No lying and manipulating. Even if it’s hard.“My baby,” Magnus took Max’s hands in his. “I’m so sorry. You can’t imagine how much.”“Do you not love me?” his son broke into tears once more.“I love you more than anybody in the world. Nothing can change it.”“Why did you say it then?” cried the boy.“Because-” Magnus hesitated. God, his hands were trembling. “Because I wasn’t in a good place back then. I felt like I couldn’t move or change anything in order to make things better. But in no way it meant I loved or love you less. But when we are upset, it’s hard to see the good side.”“You kissed that Alec,” Max squirmed. “You loved mommy.”Magnus gulped. “Yes, I did. I’m not proud of my past self. I shouldn’t have lied to your mother or you. As I said, I was feeling like I was trapped. Alec gave me hope. It doesn’t mean what I did was right. I shouldn’t have done it in the first place. But I did. And I can’t change that. I have to accept the reality as it is and do everything that I can to never make the same mistake again. I’m so sorry for what I said. I will never stop regretting it.”“What if you stop loving me too like mommy? What if you leave me and go with him?” his voice became a pleading whisper.Magnus’ eyes brimmed with tears. “Oh, my baby. You must know I will never do it. No matter what happens, you are the most important person to me. I’m your father and it gives me the greatest joy in life. Your mother… We chose to be together and sometimes people can’t do it anymore. But you found me, you are my child and this will never change,” he desperately kissed Max’s cheeks and forehead. “Never.”Max stared at the floor where Chairman sat and watched them. He picked the cat up and hugged it. Surprisingly, Meow didn’t mind. “I will always love you too, bapak,” he said finally. Magnus breathed out. The boy added in a hoarse voice, “Stay with me.”The boy fell asleep in his embrace, snoring and whimpering. A few tears landed on his black hair.Magnus woke up in his son’s bed, the boy clutching to him with his body and Chairman sandwiched between them.* * *“So,” began Alec, “what have you been doing during these two years?” He scratched his neck and sipped from his strawberry milkshake with a straw awkwardly.Magnus huffed to conceal his uneasiness. Didn’t he know? Probably not. The only connection Alec had to the fashion industry was through his sister who had become quite a famous model. Or did he mean his personal life?Did he plan to use the information against him and blackmail him? Camille used the knowledge about his family to trick him. ‘I get it, your father left you when you were ten, it couldn't have been easy for you to understand what a proper husband should do.”Bruh, her again.No, he reasoned. If Alec’s objective had been making money on me and my family drama all along, he would’ve already done it. He had learned enough. But he hasn’t. No reason to believe it has changed.“Well,” he said, “as you might know, I divorced, moved places, and produced two fashion lines.”“Impressive,” nodded Alec. “Must not have been easy. I’ve seen all the backlash and dirt that was thrown on you after the article. Nobody cared about me. You had to suffer it all on your own.”Magnus took a gulp of his coffee. It burned his tongue. “Yes, it wasn’t. But I wasn’t on my own. I had friends. I had my job. I immersed myself in the work. Ultimately, I’m grateful to you,” he admitted.Alec raised his eyebrow. “Grateful? Magnus, I ruined your public image. I ruined your marriage. Even now you have to deal with the consequences of my unjustified rage. I’ve seen the interview,” he looked down.“You’ve seen it?” asked Magnus. Alec glanced at him and nodded abruptly. “God, this is embarrassing.”“No, it isn’t,” claimed Alec. “You did so well. You didn’t let him insult you further and left. You didn’t downplay your feelings. You… snapped your fingers loudly. You weren’t as carefree before. Not with others watching closely and judging you.”Magnus smiled.“And you don’t conceal your smile. It’s beautiful,” Alec smiled back.“Oh, Alexander, you sure know a way to man’s heart,” teased Magnus, clutching his hand to heart playfully.“No! N-no, I…” he denied. “I’m not here to ask you to date me,” he hid his face with hands. “Gah!”“Alexander,” Magnus bent over the table and put his hand on Alec’s shoulder. “I’m joking.”“I know,” he still didn’t show his face. “But I want you to know that…”“That you don’t want to use me?” assumed Magnus.“Y-yes. If you accepted me as your friend some day, I would be the luckiest man on Earth.”“Then you are. As I’ve said, I forgive you. What happened has happened and there’s no way to change it.”“You’re right,” Alec finally put down his hands. His face had the most adorable blush Magnus had seen. “Thank you.”“Don’t mention it,” Magnus made a dismissive gesture with his hand. “To be frank, I quite missed your adorable rambles.”“And I missed your… all,” Alec chewed his lips and took another sip.“Alexander, you simply can’t act so sweet, I can’t handle it.”It was so freeing to express his affections without fear of judgment. Of course, there were people on the Internet who would say that he was a playboy and changed people like socks. But who else said he wasn’t up to their standards and had to adhere? Camille. And Magnus certainly didn’t want to please people like her.“Now, tell me more about The Gray House,” prompted Magnus when the waiter brought them their orders. The cafe was crowded and in its loud and boisterous laughter and steam of voices they found their peaceful and quiet world.Alec pricked on his chicken. “What do you want to hear?” he chewed on it.Magnus never enjoyed food ASMR but he’d listen to these sounds all night and day.Wind back.“Anything you want,” he dunked potato in the sauce. “You can rant about how present and past tense and first and third person affect the perception of the character.”“Don’t laugh at me, it all makes sense,” Alec threw him an unimpressed look. “Time isn’t linear in the House, it can intertwine. It is polyphonic, like a chorus. Every character has their own voice that can be distinctly heard and they add to the joint song. Sphinx lost himself for six years and in reality he was absent for like a month. And you can’t know whether this is truly some other world or just the imagination of impressionable kids. He went bald but it may have been the result of stress. Or something else, I’m not sure what causes it.”Magnus understood nothing because he hadn’t read it. But Alec talked about his favorite book so appealingly you had no choice but to fall in love with them even before you opened the first page.“Sure, whatever you say,” he said instead.Because teasing Alec and saying he was just connecting the random details was fun. The exasperation on his face. How he kept rambling even more.Alec shrugged. “How’s Max doing by the way?”Max… had a hard time letting him go today. Magnus didn’t lie about whom he was meeting today. The boy begged to take him along. Said he would stay silent the whole time.Magnus promised they would spend all tomorrow’s Sunday together. Max sniffed but agreed reluctantly. And demanded a guinea pig for birthday once again.“He’s… dealing with the aftermath of divorce.” Not a full lie.“Oh,” a fork with sushi stopped halfway to his face. “I hope he is fine.”“I guess most of the time he is. But no one can be cheery all the time.”“Yes,” Alec bit his sushi and changed the topic. “I saw you on the cover of Vogue last month. You looked gorgeous.” Oh, Alec, how could he make his heart dance with one single word. “Although I don’t understand why people like it when hair falls on their faces. You can’t see anything.”Magnis snorted. Typical Alec. “To be fair, people can’t see you like this as well. And you look like a rockstar.”“Or like you don’t have a comb.”“How’s your new job?”Alec’s eyes went wide as if he didn’t expect this.“What? You didn’t think I was interested in your life after the incident?”“Honestly, yeah. I thought you’d like to remove the memories of me completely.”“Well, I’m working with your sister. She wouldn't let me.” Alec gulped. “No worries, I wasn’t bothered,” he showed him the charm on his wrist. “I wouldn’t wear this to this day if I was mad at you.”Alec stared absentmindedly at it. Then in his eyes. Then at the bracelet again. “I think you are ready to open it now. The heart I mean.”“Huh?”“I said you can’t open it because all the magic will go away if you do it at the wrong time. I think you are ready now.”Now it was Magnus’ time to assess the pearl bracelet. Was he? If Alec, the creator, said so then maybe. “But what if I need support again? A miracle?”Alec’s smile turned mysterious. “You’ll still have it. Now the charm will be powered by another source.”“I understand you even less than when you rant about the books I haven’t read,” Magnus frowned.Alec chuckled. “You’ll get it. When you open it,” he wiped the sauce from his face.Magnus watched the charm closely once again. Another source? Alec didn’t strike him as a person who believed in magic or power of thoughts. His mother did and it killed her.“I know you don’t believe in magic,” Alec interrupted his thoughts, “knowing your story it’s totally reasonable you would feel apprehension about it. But as I said before, sometimes things work irrespective of the fact whether we believe in it or not. Even if the miracle isn’t caused by magic, it’s no less of a miracle.”Magnus adjusted the charm. The pearls glimmered in the light like dozens of beacons.“Okay, odd man. I’ll do it. But later.”“Sure.”“You haven’t answered about your current job,” pointed out Magnus when they left the cafe. “I know you work at ‘Downworld Daily’, right? How do you like it?”Alec nodded. “They hired me as a part-time author at first but then offered me a full-time contract. Nothing out of the ordinary, I still rant about books for living and interview writers but I am more content with it now.”“Have you interviewed Donna Tartt yet?”“No, but I’ll do it next month,” winked Alec.“This is awesome, Alexander,” Magnus threw himself at Alec and locked him in a hug. “I’m so happy for you.”Alec, still at first, melted and embraced him too. “Thank you. I’m happy for you too.”Then Magnus remembered one thing. “Shit, I’ve forgotten the reason why we even met in the first place!”Alec furrowed. “What?”“Anna Karenina! I left it at home. I’m sorry.”Alec only laughed. “Then I guess we have to meet again so that you return it.”“Or you can move to me and have it,” said Magnus before thinking. Then shut his mouth.But Alec teased him back. “Depends on how big your new apartment is. I’m planning to buy the Collected Works of Jane Austen and don’t have enough space. Think I can borrow yours?” He smirked.Magnus coughed. “I’ll think about it. Max isn’t sold on the idea of a new parent yet. Now let’s agree on a date?”“Yes,” agreed Alec. “I’ll text you.”He stood on tiptoes and brushed his lips slightly against Magnus’ cheek. Then smiled at Magnus’ dumbfounded face and waved goodbye.He resisted the urge to scream “YES!” and jump on the place. He would do that at home.So Magnus just waved back and skipped to the car. Elias waited for him at the parking lot and was smoking.“First to Catarina to take Max, then home,” he said. Elias hummed and started the car, turning on the radio.Magnus sank back into the seat and sighed with a wide smile on his face. His life had been improving for the course of the previous year. Surrounded by friends and Max sleeping on the couch next to him, he made a silent wish on New Year’s night. To find happiness. Very vague. But he couldn’t put it any other way. He couldn’t figure out what he wanted. But maybe he didn’t have to. Enjoying life was enough. Buying a vintage doll in an 18th century dress and not excusing this as a toy for Max was not a small win. Watching Barbie movies and not being called a stupid entertainment for kids wasn’t insignificant.Maybe just being content was enough.Melancholic piano sounds came from the radio.No, no, no, please. Not this song. Please. He could never listen to it without crying like a baby.His mother's baby...
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules
Magnus wiped the tears with the sleeve of his costume. Thank God Elias didn't ask if he was okay. But he must’ve seen it in the rear-view window.She had always wept silently by the end and Magnus had to pretend to have fallen asleep as he hadn't known how to react to this and make her stop crying.And the day she died they played it on the radio.The blanket had soaked in his tears, leaving several stains of eye shadow on the sheets. A pat on the head. Just like his mother had done when he refused to sleep after the first song. Magnus had jerked. But miracles didn't happen. It had been Ragnor who said that they had to move her to the mortuary.Magnus had learned about her cancer after nothing could’ve been done about it. He hadn’t checked up on her for a year by the time it happened, too absorbed in his factory and needing to control the newly established label.And she hadn’t reached out to him. Some acquaintance of hers told her about the belief that illness happens only when you think about it. To Magnus it sounded absurd but some people asked him why he couldn't just leave his wife if she was that bad or that if she didn’t beat him he wasn’t a victim so he had no right to judge whatever she had had on her shoulders at the time. He only wished he had been more attentive.
And someone way down here loses someone dear
His mother couldn't sing some other song to make him sleep? As far as he knew ABBA had a few albums.On the other hand, singing about capitalism and lack of money to a five-year-old child wouldn't have been a good idea either.Suddenly a thought clicked in his mind. The charm.Magnus took it off the arm. He rarely did it so it felt strange not to have a familiar tight embrace and weight on his wrist.What could be inside this heart? Some precious stone that was believed to have a supernatural nature? Some herb? Alec mentioned that the idea to make charms for his family came to him from The Gray House. Magnus regretted not having read it now.He closed his eyes and scratched the sides. Hm. It didn’t open. He pressed his nails deeper. Was it glued or something? If he ruined his fresh manicure with this thing, he would make Alec pay for a new one.Finally, the cover opened. But inside wasn’t a precious stone or herb or emptiness. There was a small photo. Smaller than one you would put in your wallet.Magnus picked it up. It was him. This photo was taken after his first collection was launched. Sales were low but he was the happiest man on Earth. Magnus remembered his cheeks burning from all the laughing.So this was supposed to help him? Magnus himself?Huh.So simple. So meaningful. Alec, a cryptic idiot.Magnus closed the heart. So this was what he meant by another source of strength.The car came to a halt. The door opened and Max jumped on Magnus, holding him tight and dropping his backpack on the floor of the car. He must’ve still been terrified of being abandoned.Magnus hugged him. “How was your day, Blueberry? Have you done your homework?”The boy nodded and still clutched to him like a koala.“Then fasten your belt and we are going home.”* * *“Bapak! Where’s my guinea pig?” whined Max.Magnus buttoned the shirt on his son. “Dearest, I’m sorry but you can’t have it. You are too little to take care of it. I promise you can have a pet after you are ten. Only three years to wait?”Max pouted and folded his arms.Huh, must’ve learned the last from Raphael. Next step would be speaking Spanish. Which was good. And probably insulting people in it. Which wasn’t as good.Magnus sighed. “I’m certain you will like your presents. When the guests arrive and you blow the candles, you’ll have them.”Max hurried to the front door. “Then they better come shortly or I won’t share my cake with them.”Magnus adjusted the tie on Chairman’s suit. The cat didn’t seem pleased to wear it.The bell rang. Max jumped to the lock but couldn’t reach it.Magnus opened the door.“Where’s my favorite Bane?” asked Catarina.“I’m here, here!” yelled Max.“Hm,” she looked around, pointedly avoiding the child, “can’t seem to see him. I guess I have to throw this doll away,” she shrugged.“No!” screamed Max and grabbed her legs. “I’m here!”She laughed and rumpled his hair. “Hello, Max. Happy birthday! You’re seven already. You grow so fast!”“Yes!” he smiled, showing the hole where a milk tooth once was. “Bapak said when I’m ten, I will have a guinea pig!”“Then you surely have to grow up fast,” said Ragnor and squatted to hug the boy. “Happy birthday, nephew.”“Happy birthday, Max,” grumbled Raphael and exchanged a handshake with Max. The boy looked super serious, glad to be greeted in an ‘adult way’.“Where’s Aunt Isabelle and Uncle Simon?” asked Max when Catarina, Ragnor and Raphael left for the living room. “They will come, won’t they?”“Of course they will.”Familiar voices came from outside.“Go to Catarina and others, I’ll wait for them.”Max ran away and Magnus checked behind the door. There stood Isabelle, Simon and… Alec. Magnus couldn’t remember inviting him.“Hello, Magnus,” said Simon as he noticed him. “Tell Alec that he can come in.”Alec looked uncertain. “I’m only here to deliver the present, I wasn’t even invited.”“Present?” asked Magnus.Alec pointed to the squeaking carrying at his feet. “You mentioned Max wanted to have a guinea pig but you won’t buy it for him. I thought maybe I could. S-sorry, I was too intrusive, you are his father, you know better, I must lea-”“Alexander,” Magnus broke him off with a wave of his hand, “I like it much better when you ramble about books. Isabelle, Simon,” he turned to them, “come in. I want to talk with Alec alone. And please, ask Max to come here.”“Oh, they’re gonna kiss!” whispered Simon.“Sure,” agreed Isabelle as they entered the apartment.Alec leant on the wall, scratching his fingers around the nails. “I-I’m sorry I should’ve asked first.”“Yes, you probably should’ve. But you see I didn’t invite you not because I thought you didn’t deserve it. No, Max is just quite overprotective and hasn’t come to terms with the prospect of me dating other people after the divorce.”Alec’s face fell. “Oh, I’m so sorry I’m so nosy I-”“Is this a guinea pig?” screamed Max and ran to the carrying.Alec glanced at him, absolutely terrified.“Yes, Max,” said Magnus. “Alec came to deliver it.”“Won’t he stay?” furrowed Max.“It’s your day, Max,” stammered Alec, “I don’t think I can interrupt the family ga-”Max watched him closely with a grave face that was uncharacteristical for a seven-year-old. “Are you bapak’s boyfriend?”Alec gulped. “W-we haven’t really talked about this yet.”Max nodded. “Do you love him?”God, so embarrassing. Magnus himself wasn’t ready to ask this question yet and now his son cornered his potential boyfriend.“It’s too soon to say this but I can say I quite like him,” admitted Alec.Wait what?Alec confessed he liked Magnus… to Magnus’ child.“My bapak has been through a lot of pain,” said Max. “I don’t trust you. But I trust my bapak. If you hurt him, I will set Chairman at you. His claws are very achy.”So his son was giving a shovel talk and threatened his potential boyfriend. Had Magnus been at Alec’s place, he would’ve freaked out and made off.But it didn’t bother Alec seemingly.“I guess I have to do my best,” he smiled and huffed awkwardly.“Then come in,” said Max and grabbed the carrying. “And I want a sibling for the next birthday,” he claimed. “I’ll call you Odetta. We watched a movie about Swan Lake recently,” he talked to the pet as he carried it into the apartment.“That was something,” sniggered Alec. “I guess I have to start thinking about the present right now.”“Yes,” Magnus agreed. He wasn’t sure he could handle another child now though. “But since you can officially come in so let’s go,” Magnus grabbed Alec’s wrist and dragged him inside.The celebration went smoothly. Max wanted to let Odetta out right away but when he saw Chairman’s suspicious stare at it decided it could wait. Alec promised he would bring a cage for the guinea pig next time he would be at Magnus’ place.Even though it was Max’s birthday, Magnus felt like a real birthday boy. He bathed in love and joy of being around his dear ones. Max couldn’t blow the candles on his own so he helped him. And made a wish of his own. To have more moments like this. Staying in this one would be impossible as well as always being happy. So he chose to be more realistic.Alec offered to help with cleaning up the confetti and plates after everyone left and Max uncovered his presents. A cheerful gasp and ‘Wow!’ came from the living room. Must have been Raphael’s bunny.Magnus chuckled. Max managed to win Raphael’s heart. Which was one of the hardest accomplishments to achieve. And he did it in one month. It took Magnus at least one year.He glanced at Alec who was washing the dishes. He hoped Alec would win Max’s heart too.“You know,” said Magnus as he threw the confetti in the garbage can, “I stupidly envied Levin when I was reading the book.” Alec raised his eyebrow. “I don’t know. It seemed like he got his happy ending way too easily.”“You think so?” Alec put the plate in the dish drainer. “Didn’t he have to go away to the countryside after Kitty rejected his proposal?”“Yeah, I know. But after. It was so easy for them. They confessed their love and married. And you told me about how the decipher thing went in real life and that it was a wishful thing Tolstoy wanted for himself. But still. It went too easy for him in my opinion.” He sat at the kitchen table.“Why are you telling me this?” Alec joined him and sat down in front of him.“Because after you left I reached the epilogue. The thing that stood out to me the most was the fact that Levin was hiding the cords from himself. I was so struck. I guess this was the moment I realized that happiness wasn’t a constant in life. It’s not that a happy ending wasn’t meant for my story. At times I felt like we were actors, playing the modern version of ‘Anna Karenina’. I’m supposed to tragically die and you are going to leave. But at that moment I realized that we aren’t Anna or Vronsky, or Kitty and Levin. We are we. And it’s written in our cards that we cannot ever be together or that we are meant to be. It’s my choice and yours. Well, I don’t know what you will choose.”Alec blinked a few times. Then more times. “Gosh, stop talking like we are in some book. I don’t know what to say.”Tell me what is your choice.“Tell me some random fact,” Magnus suggested.Alec made a thoughtful face. “Did you know that in the first draft Levin’s surname was Lenin?”Magnus snorted. “You mentioned it once, yes. Tell me something I don’t know.”Alec suddenly got up and moved the chair right next to Magnus. Then sat in front of him. “Did you know that you are the best person I’ve ever had the luck to meet?”If Magnus didn’t sit on the chair at that moment, he would’ve fallen.“I had an idea,” he teased.Alec’s shoulders relaxed a bit. “Did you know I want to be your boyfriend?”Yes. I had an idea. Yes. It would be my pleasure.But the squeaking guinea pig that was running away from Chairman Meow ruined the romantic moment.* * *A new notification.magnusbane just shared a post.
magnusbane: I’m grateful for many things. For autumn leaves crunching under my feet. For the heartwarming words and feedback my last fashion collection received. For my son Max who is currently bathing in a puddle of mud. For my boyfriend Alexander who currently fights him and tries to get him out of it. For my son Rafael who roars with laughter while watching them. For my life. For an opportunity to make my own decisions.
So my next decision would be asking a certain book nerd this: “If I were not myself, but the handsomest, cleverest, and best man in the world, and were free, I would this moment ask on my knees for your hand and your love!” So what do you say @aleclightwood? (I know you wanted to use the ‘War and Peace’ quote but I guess no luck with this).