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"Chief!""Dr. Shepherd," Meredith smiled as she watched Derek turn the corner to catch up to her."Did you get a chance to look at the cases I sent you?"Meredith glared at him, "Is this you going rogue and all hot headed Dr. Shepherd again? Don't start giving me any trouble, please.""No," he chuckled, "But these cases did specifically find me. It's a good opportunity for the new interns and I already cleared it with Amy- she's gonna help. I just need your approval-""Done, I approved it as soon as I saw it this morning. I'm just giving you a hard time," Meredith laughed as she watched him go through a thorough explanation.Meredith Grey had officially taken the mantle of Chief of Surgery at Grey Sloan Memorial. It was destined to be hers even if she had refuted that statement over and over again. She was well respected, admired, and each attending was pleased with her leadership despite the challenges that the first six months had presented in both her professional and personal life.Now, a brand new class of interns graced the halls of the hospital and among them were interns who were determined to prove their worth. And were looking for second chances the way Grey Sloan was currently looking for theirs.And on the personal front, Meredith and Derek held steady. They were happy and had found some sort of agreement as their responsibilities had increased.Meredith scaled down on surgeries- and she had been happy too. She wanted to focus on the administrative side and most importantly be a mom at home. The last year spent between Seattle and Minnesota only proved that being a successful surgeon and a present mother took work. And she never went down without a fight.Derek had been recently appointed as the newest Director of the Residency Program by the chief. He wasn't fully happy about it considering the class he was given. Well, really only one intern if he was honest. His nephew had joined them and although they had tried to keep it quiet, rumors spread quickly and the young intern was tired of his peers thinking he was sleeping with Aunt.But their home life was thriving. Their kids were more than content with staying in Seattle, their sisters were happy and in love, and all seemed peaceful in the Grey Shepherd Household. It led to a peaceful coexistence at their work since there was no competition between any of them. And Derek had been at peace working under his wife. It surprised her in some ways and in others not at all. Things had changed. They had grown. And they were happy.And walking side by side in the hospital hallways was always a shining glimmer throughout the day."Oh good, glad you keep me humble," Derek nodded as they continued their trek, "We also need to talk about the changes we thought about earlier and how we're going to bring in senior residents-""Okay well that's gonna have to wait till tomorrow," Meredith shook her head as she took the cup in his hand and took a sip of his coffee, "We're busy tonight.""Are you neglecting your job already?" he jokingly scoffed as he took back the cup, "C'mon I had you down for at least a year, buck up.""Stop it," Meredith laughed as she nudged him, "You may lose your money there."Derek laughed along. He believed in her capacity as chief. He had been supportive and was determined to prove that no matter what she chose, he would be happily standing beside her."Okay so, I got Erin to stay with the kids tonight, they'll be too restless if they go with us plus they've got homework," Meredith continued to walk down the hall as he walked with her, "Amelia said she'll meet us at the school and Maggie said she and Winston might be a few minutes late," Meredith sighed, "You should ask Luke if he wants to join us, we can have dinner at the house after to celebrate."Derek stopped and furrowed his brows in confusion as he watched his wife make her way to the elevator, "Wait, what are we talking about?"It wasn't Meredith's birthday. Not that she liked celebrating that anyways. It wasn't any of the kids' birthdays either. He always remembered their special days. And the sisters or in-laws? Definitely not."Zola's presentation for the Pacific Northwest Scholars!" Meredith reminded him with a grin, "Her paper is a finalist for the amerit program, remember?"Derek blinked as he suddenly remembered the event. Their genius daughter had written a paper about a person who had influenced them. She submitted it and to no one's surprise, she had become a finalist. It was an accomplishment she had been very proud of. Tonight, she'd be presenting her paper and she'd be up for a scholarship for her future academic studies."You forgot didn't you?" Meredith shook her head as she teased, "See, this is why I'm the favorite parent!""No, no, I didn't forget-" Derek stumbled, "And you haven't clinched that title yet, she said she didn't have favorites.""Uh huh," Meredith grinned as she pressed the elevator button, "she says that because you say that when she and the other Little Grey Shepherds fight about who's the favorite."Bailey said it was Zola. Zola said it was Ellis. And Ellis said it was Bailey. But truly, he didn't have a favorite and neither did their mother. They were loved equally and loved for how different they each were. But the common thread between the three was how open and welcoming they were to everyone in their lives. How much they cared and how empathetic they could be at their young age. All traits their parents had."I did not forget!" Derek insisted, "And I don't have favorites!""You want to head over together? We could make it a mini date?" Meredith leaned up to press a quick kiss on his soft lips."Yeah, I'll meet you at your office," he nodded as he pressed another kiss to her lips before watching her step into the elevator.The elevator doors began to close when Derek suddenly put his hand in between the closing doors. Meredith looked up as the doors opened, revealing her husband once more, "Hey, uh, you don't find it weird? Because I find it weird. "Meredith pursed her lips, "What's weird?""Her paper is about-""Derek," Meredith rolled her eyes.He pursed his lips together, fully knowing the same thought had crossed her mind, "I'm just saying, it's normal if you think it's a little weird.""I don't care," she shrugged, "I'll show up for anything that celebrates our Zozo."She smiled brightly at him as she stepped back into the elevator.Derek gave her a curt nod and let the elevator doors close behind him. Meredith was right. Anything Zola Grey Shepherd did deserve celebrating."Hey family," Amelia walked up the stairs as she took her seat in the row in front of her brother and wife, "Look who's finally accepting his place in our chaotic mess of a family."A dark haired twenty something year old trailed behind her. Lucas Adams was the newest surgeon in the family. At least it was what he was working towards. He was Derek's favorite nephew and reminded Meredith of Amelia in many ways. When his application fell onto her lap, she remained quiet about it as long as she could. Until her final decisions were made with the input of her attendings. Unsurprisingly, both Shepherd siblings resisted.Amelia argued he wouldn't make it.Derek said he was a mess.And on his first day of internship, Lucas had made the worst possible mistake of informing the wrong family that their loved one was brain dead. It was then that Meredith told Derek the truth.Lucas was a bit of a black sheep. She saw a spark of the family genius in him. And he needed a chance. He was every bit a Shepherd.Amy and Derek didn't always buy it. Old wounds would be wide open and knowing Lucas' past, they weren't too sure he had what it took."And that's exactly why I'm hiring him," Meredith raised a brow as she snatched back the application from Derek's hand, "And both of you ganging up on me for this is not a good look for either of you. I like it better when you don't agree.""That's because one of us is always on your side," Derek shook his head, "The interns will claim we're playing favorites-""And he will resent us if he fails," Amelia finished, "And his mother will hate us even more-""I am not scared of any Shepherds," Meredith smirked before dropping it altogether, "Except your mother she-she kind of scares me.""Meredith-" Derek shook his head."It's done!" Meredith stood from her desk and made her way out the door, "Suck it up, it'll be fine!"It had been an adjustment, but in the end, both siblings pushed to bond with him one way or another."We aren't a mess," Derek shook his head as he read the program in his hand, "Not everyday at least.""Thanks for uh, inviting me," Luke nodded as he took the seat in front of his uncle, "Where's Bailey?""You're gonna be a bad influence on my kid aren't you?" Derek scoffed. Lucas had taken a liking to Bailey. He reminded him of himself at that age, and he distinctly remembered the bond he had with his uncle then. They'd become thick as thieves and Bailey loved having another male figure around."He's not gonna be a bad influence on our kid," Meredith shook her head before turning to the pair in front of her, " Bailey and Ellis are both home, did you see Maggie before you left?"Lucas furrowed his brows, "I was on Winston's service today, we finished early-""Um, I think they were right behind us," Amelia turned to look at her, "What was Zola's paper about by the way?"Meredith blew out some air. She wasn't ready to talk about it with anyone other than her husband."You're gonna have to wait and listen to her presentation," Derek shook his head, "She made us swear we wouldn't say anything.""Is it about her favorite aunt?" Amelia smirked, "C'mon you can tell me. It's about me.""Why would it be you? And how do you know you're her favorite aunt?" Lucas shook his head, "She has like a million others-""Your mother doesn't count," Amelia cut him off, "And stop interrupting me.""Yeah stop interrupting her-" Derek chided with a childlike grin."You invited me!" Lucas hissed."Both of you cut it out," Meredith shook her head, "It's not about you Amelia. Let yourself be surprised like we were."Amelia shook her head before turning to her nephew, "You know she wants to be neurosurgeon. She says she wants to be like her dad, but I'm pretty sure she really means me.""She does not!" Derek rolled her eyes.Lucas laughed and turned his attention back to the program he was given at the door.As the lights began to dim, Meredith released a heavy sigh. A strong hand gripped at the hand that picked at the skin around her thumb, "Hey, you okay?"Meredith shook her head, waking herself from the daze she had briefly been in, "Yeah, I'm fine."Meredith Grey was an expert at hiding away her feelings to everyone- except Derek Shepherd. He was an expert in all things Meredith Grey."You're weirded out because she wrote her paper about her aren't you?" he asked. His thumb caressed the back of her hand, assuring her he was right at her side."I'm not weirded out," Meredith shook her head. Her tone betrayed her true feelings."You know what Bailey would say?" Derek whispered, "He'd say you were a lying liar.""Bailey wouldn't say that!" Meredith scoffed, "Ellis maybe, but Bailey is too sweet for that."Her attention went back to the program. The second page had a picture of Zola with the title of her paper."What's wrong, Meredith?," Derek insisted, "You have that look on your face. I know you."Meredith peered at him through her lashes before closing the program shut."It's just-," Meredith gulped, "I don't talk about her and the few times she's heard anything about her or she eavesdropped, she's never heard great things about her. I mean she was there when Maggie told me about the letter. She heard the whole thing! So, I-I-I am just confused. That's it."Derek sighed as he continued to listen."And what kind of mother am I for letting her idolize her after all the crap she put me through-""Well she didn't write about her grandmother Ellis Grey," Derek whispered, "She wrote about the doctor who made advancements in medicine-""No, no," Meredith shook her head, "I think-""Wait, she wrote about Ellis Grey?" Amelia snapped her head, "Twist!"The parents glared at her."I think they want you to stop interrupting them," Lucas smirked, "Right, Uncle Derek?"Derek glared at the both of them, seemingly telling the pair to shut up, "Stop eavesdropping into my conversations."Amelia rolled her eyes and turned back to face away from them as their nephew followed suit."It is weird. But this has nothing to do with you being like her at all," Derek sighed, "And I know that Zola knows you and that she loves you. And this thing about Ellis, it-"Derek let out another sigh. He wanted to tell her that everything was fine. That Zola's choice of topic for her paper wasn't a big deal. But his own fatherly instinct told him something was up."It has nothing to do with you," he whispered, "You are her favorite parent."Although she loved her children equally, Meredith and Zola had a unique bond. A bond between daughter and mother that Meredith never had with her own. And they both cherished it deeply. Meredith could still feel the pain she felt when she overheard Zola confess to Derek that she wondered about her biological mother and why she had given it up. At the time, she had been heartbroken. But now, she was grateful Derek had handled it. With time, she came to understand that all her daughter wanted was answers. Never to replace her.Meredith turned to look at him softly before whispering, "She doesn't have favorites."Derek pressed a kiss to her head. He had his own unique bond with his daughter. Long ago he once told her she was the only medicine he ever needed. She was a fourth of his guiding stars. Another reason he was able to stay afloat after feeling like drowning. And the bond between father and daughter was an unbreakable one.A sudden voice interrupted them, "Our next scholar has chosen to discuss-"The words melted around them as Maggie and Winston both waved and took their seat next to the parents."Zola Grey-Shepherd," the teacher announced as their daughter stood from her seat and made her way to the microphone. She wore a perfectly tailored navy suit and a red blouse under. Her hair was neatly drawn into a half updo. She graced herself with confidence and determination as he eyes locked with her parents'. She gave them a brief smile as she began her speech.Derek took his wife's hand into his and turned to her, "Hey?""What?" Meredith whispered without taking her eyes away from her daughter. Derek loved these moments. The moments where Meredith lost herself in the greatness that their children were. All those years ago when she felt she wasn't enough or that she'd be a terrible mother were years wasted as the woman next to him had only proven that she was the best.She put them above everything. She loved them endlessly and without any conditions.Their home was filled with photographs of a perfectly content family. Drawings were on the fridge and some were even framed. It was all her doing.She was the anchor to the family they built.It was all so perfect. Even when there were moments when everything wasn't so perfect like those trips to Minnesota. But that was now in the past."That's our little girl," Derek echoed the words she once told him when they decided to adopt her. When Zola chose them.Meredith turned to him with a bright smile, "It's our little girl."The parents turned back to their daughter, fingers threaded in each others' hands."While at The Clinic, in Minnesota, Dr. Grey completed six different clinical trials that helped lead to advances in cellular regeneration related to liver disease," Zola spoke from the stage as the parents watched mesmerized.The little girl they had fought so hard for was growing up into a beautiful young woman. And though proud as they were, it also broke their heart just a bit.Zola held tightly to her note cards.She was up next. Carly would finish and then she'd be the next one up.She looked out to the audience and smiled at the sight of her Aunt Maggie making her way to the seats. She saw her family together.Clearly, her siblings had been left at home. Bailey wouldn't be able to sit still and Ellis would've fallen asleep. But she knew they were proud- even if Bailey played it off. Before he was picked up after school, he made it a point to find her and wish her luck. He gave her an awkward younger brother type hug and ran off to Erin.She loved her siblings. She loved her entire family.Her Aunt Amy sat next to her cousin Luke. He seemed a little bored, like he was hiding the fact that he was happy to be around family. But she liked having him around. He was like an older brother she never had and she kept Bailey distracted. She had seen how her father was nervous about bringing him home but over time, she realized they were once very close. Probably like Bailey and their dad.Behind them sat her parents. They whispered something to each other. Aunt Amy turned around only to get a glare from the pair.She must've said something inappropriate and her parents might've reminded her to filter herself. Zola nearly giggled at that. Her parents were good at that. Making her giggle and forget why she was nervous in the first place.Her dad was always trying to make them laugh with his cheesy dad jokes and her mom always brought him back down to reality. One look from her and the great Derek Shepherd was at her beck and call. They were the best parents ever. She loved them so much and she couldn't have had any better parents.Zola watched as she noticed the both of them continue their conversation until her mother leaned over to her dad and he pressed his lips to her head.Zola heard her name being called and stood from her seat. She looked at her cards once more and walked to her podium."Thank you, Mr. Ryan," She smiled, "Dr. Ellis Grey was a world renowned surgeon."Zola read her speech. She had a feeling it'd confuse her parents, especially her mom.She looked up to her parents for assurance and then back at her cards."While at The Clinic, in Minnesota, Dr. Grey completed six different clinical trials that helped lead to advances in cellular regeneration related to liver disease," Zola continued.But why was it suddenly so hot?"She began a seventh, but she unfortunately never completed it because she started exhibiting signs of early onset Alzheimer's disease."Suddenly, the lights were too bright.
I'm at the part where my grandmother get's alzheimer's- why is it so hot?- Why is the light so bright?
And a ringing sound was echoing in the room.
Where is mom?- Where's dad?-keep going-keep going-keep reading- it's not real mom is-Why is it so hot? Is that sweat on my forehead? Why was it dripping?
And she forgot how to talk.
It's not happening right now, mom is fine, mom is fine!
"Early-" Zola couldn't breathe, "Early Alzheimer's can be a genetic illness-"And everyone's eyes were on her.
Why is the room spinning? Why did I choose this topic? What was that ringing noise? Why? Why? Mom is fine! Just read it Zola!
The ringing noise. The bright lights. The sweat. The spinning room. The eyes on her. It was all too much.
Mom is gonna get it. Aunt Maggie. And my dad-. They all almost died. Mom and Dad almost died too many times and I'm gonna-
"It means my mom and my aunt will get it too. They'll get it. They're gonna die like my dad almost did and then they'll die. They're gonna die. They're all gonna die and I'll have no one!"Meredith rubbed her thumb on the back of his hand. He knew exactly what to do to make it better. He knew her quirks and he knew them well. Long ago he learned that her dark and twisty ways took her places that even she didn't want to go. He never let her roam on her own. He always hovered- stupidly hovered. And sometimes she just wanted to push him away. And even when she did, they always found a way back. And he never left her out in the dark."She began a seventh, but she unfortunately never completed it because she started exhibiting signs of early onset Alzheimer's disease."She paused. Zola's voice shook and her parents watched as she paused to take a breath."She's nervous," Derek whispered in an attempt to calm the worried mother next to him- but he knew better. He knew his daughter better to know that she wasn't just nervous.Meredith leaned forward. He was wrong and even she knew he didn't buy his own words."Early onset Alzheimers is- it means - it's genetic," Zola stammered. They watched as she reached to rub her chin."No, something's wrong," Meredith whispered back as she scooted to the edge of the seat and released his hand."It means my mom and my aunt will get it too. They'll get it," Zola whimpered.Their daughter began to fall apart right before their eyes."Derek-," Meredith gripped his arm, acutely aware of the scene in front of her.Derek was already up when he felt her strong grip, "She's having a panic attack-"He quickly walked down the aisle trying to rescue his daughter and stop the madness ensuing in her mind. He knew what that was quite well and he was keenly aware his wife did too. He could hear Meredith's steps behind him as she followed."They're gonna die like my dad almost did and then everyone's gonna die. They're gonna die. They're all gonna die and I'll have no one!"Her daughter's words echoed in her ear. And for Meredith, the walk seemed eternal. Like the room was stretching as they got closer and closer and Zola only got farther.Once they reached her, Derek cupped her face, "Hey, look at me princess, it's okay-"Meredith wrapped her arms around her daughter and led her off the stage, "We've got you, it's okay."Zola's eyes were filled with tears as she continued to whisper under her breath. The parents quickly helped her off.And the evening ended.The car ride was silent. Meredith sat in the back with her daughter, her arms around her as the girl quietly cried. She could feel her tears soaked through her shirt.Derek pulled to the front of the house and shut the car off, "You want to talk about it before-""No, I want to go inside," Zola murmured."Okay," Meredith whispered as she undid the seat belt securing her daughter. She looked at Derek through the rearview mirror and nodded. He'd go in first. Thank Erin, and let her go home. He'd encourage the kids to go to their rooms as quickly as possible so they wouldn't see their sister this way.At least that was the plan.Derek opened the front door and Zola pushed her way in with her arms crossed."Momma, daddy you're home!" Ellis shouted in her pajamas from her table. She was coloring another drawing. Bailey looked up from his book, "Hi- what's wrong with Zo?"Zola quickly made her way to her room as Meredith followed behind her. She could hear Derek speak to Erin and the kids behind her as she closed the bedroom door behind her, "Zola do you want to-""No," Zola cut her off, "I don't want to talk about it yet. There's nothing to talk about. I had a panic attack and didn't get-""Zola, that's not what I meant, baby," Meredith insisted.Zola pulled a pajama from her drawer and turned to her mother. The look on her face nearly killed Meredith.Her cheeks were flushed. Tears streamed down her face. And the painful awareness of the reality of the genetic markers in Meredith's DNA were written all over her face."I just want to go to sleep," Zola insisted, "Can you just let me go to sleep, please?"Other times, Meredith would lie in bed with her. They'd talk until Zola was asleep. It used to be Derek who'd chase the monsters away, but as she grew older, the inseparable pair would have these rituals of their own.But now her daughter didn't want to be a part of it. Not now, anyway.Meredith gulped as she hesitantly nodded, "Okay. Sweet dreams, Zozo."Meredith made her way to the door and closed it behind her. She felt her heart shatter piece by piece.Derek set both his hands atop the bathroom counter. He exhaled deeply. He could still hear Zola's words ring in his ear. They were like a broken record player playing over and over again.
It means my mom and my aunt will get it too. They'll get it. They're gonna die like my dad almost did and then they'll die. They're gonna die. They're all gonna die and I'll have no one!
He had tried to stop it. He had tried to cure it. He wanted to do it more than anything but he just couldn't. Meredith messed with the trial and his ambition in research had blinded him to what truly mattered. Now it all felt like an endless train wreck and his daughter was bearing the same fears he did.Derek jolted as he heard the bedroom door close."Bailey and Ellie?" Meredith stepped in front of the bathroom. She stood there as she took off the watch on her wrist."They uh, they're in bed," he nodded, "You're not staying with Zola?""She doesn't want me there," Meredith shook her head as stepped away from the door after tossing her watch on her side of the bathroom counter. She walked into the bedroom and kicked off her shoes. He watched as she went through the drawer and took out a fresh set of pajamas.He knew her well enough to know she had shut everything off. She was holding back her tears. Holding back her emotions. She was keeping it together. And failing miserably.Because when she shut the drawer closed, the photograph of a younger Zola stared back at her. A carefree, happy, smiling, four-year old whose only concern was to go higher on the swing.Now she was nearly thirteen and her anxiety had worsened. And the panic attacks had once again sprouted."That's why she chose her," Meredith mumbled, "It's why she wrote about Ellis. Because she's been thinking about it since-""Yeah," Derek leaned against the bathroom door frame with his hands stuffed in his pocket, "It makes sense."She continued to stare at the photograph, "What am I gonna do if I-""I promised you I'd remind-" Derek's head snapped up. He made a promise long ago. A vow. And he made that vow once more when they decided to give their youngest the wedding they never had. He'd promise it over and over again. As much as she needed to know she was not alone. She'd never be alone. Not by his account."You can't promise me that anymore," Meredith cut him off as she turned to glare at him, "because what's gonna happen if you die first?"Derek felt the knife through his chest twist as more scenarios twirled in his head."Meredith-""People get shot! Airplanes crash and people get hit by a semi in the middle of the road! We can't promise our kids something we can't follow through with-""Meredith-""No, Derek! Don't Meredith me and don't try to make it better when you damn well know you can't!"The door shut behind her.Closing any chance to comfort one another.And ending any security they had once felt.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"Hey so I know I'm on your service this week but is there any way I can switch to Dr. Lincoln's? Everyone is already saying I'm getting by because of you and Amelia so," Lucas searched for any signs from his uncle.Derek stared at the black screen in front of him. Mute. Unmoving. Stoic. Frozen."Dr. Shepherd?"Nothing."Uncle Derek!" Lucas hissed."What? Oh um, yeah, actually yes find another service," Derek turned the tablet on again."Hey, uh, you okay?" Lucas followed him, "We didn't hear from you after last night.""Adams?" Derek sighed as he looked up briefly from his tablet, "Go work."Lucas sighed as he stuffed his hands in his pocket he turned away before pausing and turning back, "If you and Aunt Mer need me to ever watch- I mean I know I got crazy hours but maybe Zo just needs- look I'm just tossing my name into the- you know what-""Luke," Derek stopped him before he could go any further, "Thank you."He watched as his nephew shyly nodded and ran away. Lucas Adams was proving himself. He was determined and fighting to prove he was up to the task of living up to the family name. Even if he was an Adams.And Derek couldn't deny that he enjoyed having his favorite nephew around. Even if it opened old wounds.He always expected work to be a distraction. But today, his mind was on his family. On his wife. And on his eldest. Derek walked towards the elevator and pressed the button. He needed silence. Complete silence.The elevator rang as it opened its doors, revealing the current chief of surgery. Meredith raised her head and made eye contact with the piercing blue eyes in front of her.He had left early that morning and didn't even bother to tell her. Did she push too much? What buttons had she pressed this time that warranted silence? Didn't he understand that this was frightening for her?Derek stepped into the elevator and pressed the button that she had previously pressed. His back was to her as the doors closed in front of him. The chilling silence hung in the air until he pressed the emergency stop and turned to face her."You okay? You didn't sleep at all last night?" he stuffed his hands in his white coat as he turned to face her."You didn't say goodbye to me when you left," Meredith hissed, "We don't do that, we tell each other when we leave so I don't have to pack the bags and the kids and run out to San Diego!""Why would you go to San Diego? Nothing's out there-""Derek!""You were asleep," he furrowed his brows, "You slept less than a full hour. You tossed and turned all night. I had an early surgery and I didn't want to wake you."He leaned down to kiss her quickly and brushed back a stray hair, "I'm sorry. I should've told you I was leaving but I didn't-I just- I wanted to let you sleep in for a bit."Her eyes searched his blue ones. How could she tell him the truth? How would she tell him that her heart had been shattered into a million pieces?She licked her lips and took a deep breath as she couldn't help the tears that welled up, "Zola kicked me out last night.""What?""She didn't want me to stay," she sobbed, "She got off the car this morning without- she-""Meredith," Derek whispered as he pulled her into a deep embrace, "It's gonna be okay. We're gonna find a way to help her.""What if we can't help her? What are we gonna do if we-" she sobbed into his shoulder.Derek pulled back and cupped her cheeks, "I don't know. I don't have all the answers right now but I know that we love our daughter too much to let her go through this on her own. We'll talk to her therapist, her teachers-""Promise me we're gonna do whatever we can to help her," Meredith swallowed a lump, "Promise me-""I promise," Derek wiped the tears from her cheeks, "I promise you that no matter what it takes, we are gonna help our daughter. We're gonna help our children and we're gonna do whatever it is they need us to do. Okay?"Meredith sniffed as she weakly nodded. It didn't go unnoticed to her that in this very place, she had previously broken down in tears asking why the universe was so unfair and cruel. Why the universe was so mean and wouldn't let her have a child. He had promised her they'd have a baby one way or another and sure enough, Zola had come into their lives soon after."I need you to promise me something," he pressed his lips close to her ears and closed her eyes. What he was about to ask of her would be something he knew was difficult for her, "Promise me you won't go numb. And if you do, I'm right here. I'm right here, Meredith."She released another sob and nodded again."He has a right to be pissed Maggie," Amelia shook her head, "You've been pushing his surgeries over and over again.""It's just that we don't have- Meredith!" Maggie sat up straighter as her sister-the chief walked into the room, "How are you doing? You guys left without saying anything last night.""I don't want to talk about it," Meredith sighed, "I just broke down to Derek in the elevator and that's all I can manage for today.""You sure?" Amelia asked as she watched her sit on the chair next to Maggie."No," Meredith answered shortly, "Who's pissed at Maggie?""Winston!" Maggie sighed, "He's upset because-""His surgeries keep getting pushed? Yeah, I've heard complaints from his patients you need to leave the guy alone," Meredith sighed as she pulled her legs on the couch and wrapped her arms around them, "We have interns now. Use them. That's how they learn."Amelia smirked, "See, even the chief agrees!""I just like things done a certain way," Maggie sighed, "And we don't have any senior residents-""Schmitt is taking over that-" Amelia rolled her eyes."Winston just knows exactly what I need and how I need it," Maggie finished, "I don't want any of the interns to royally screw up."Meredith glanced at Amelia with a telling smile. Both sisters laughed before Amelia spoke up, "He screws up one time- one time!- and you automatically think every intern is going to screw up? How many times did you screw up your intern year?"Amelia turned to Meredith who was shaking her head, "If you ask your brother he'll give you a list and Bailey will add twice as stuff to it.""I was also a screw up and so was Derek- at least that's what Addie says," Amelia turned back to Maggie, "What about you? You had to-""No! I never did!"Meredith listened to her sister go on and on about perfectionism and her need for it, "Zola is like that. She likes things done perfectly and holds everyone and everything to high expectations. She gets it from you.""Ha!" Maggie chuckled."Huh?" Amelia furrowed her brows, "I never realized that. She's a lot like her.""She is," Meredith nodded, "If I didn't know better, I'd say Maggie was her mother."Maggie eyed Meredith carefully, "Have you talked to her about last night yet?"Meredith shook her head, "She doesn't want to. And I can't push her because I don't want her to be angry and then totally shut me out but she-she-"Meredith swallowed, "She kicked me out last night and she's never done that before. Where the hell did she get the idea that we were going to get Alzheimer's?"Amelia shook her head, "She's a smart kid, Mer. You and my brother are raising three incredibly bright children. She was gonna put it together one day""Have you ever considered-" Maggie's phone rang, "Crap, Winston. I'll see you two later!"Maggie ran out of the room leaving Amelia and Meredith alone."You okay?" Amelia asked.Meredith blinked, "How did you feel when you were going through your own- I mean when your dad-""It's not the same thing," Amelia sighed, "My dad died. He was dead. You and Derek are very much alive. You are both here for her.""But," Meredith stared ahead before Amelia continued, "I used to have these nightmares where my mom would die."Meredith turned to look at her. She listened carefully."When my dad died," Amelia continued quietly, "I thought I'd lose her and she'd come in my room and would kiss me and tell me that she was there. And she'd always be there. She did it so I always knew I'd always have one parent.""Did that help?"Amelia shrugged, "I wish I appreciated it more then but now looking back I know she did her best. And I knew she was there. She's still there."Meredith raised a brow and nodded."Even though we have our problems," Amelia added, "She's there. I know my mom is there."Meredith's phone was next to ring. A familiar number stared at her, "Crap. It's the kid's school""And if we do that what could happen?" Derek asked quietly under his mask."Infarction of the internal capsule and adjacent basal ganglia," Benson Kwan answered. He reminded Derek of a version of Cristina. The intern who was solely focused on surgery and nothing else."Right," Derek replied, "You're good. Have you started thinking about your specialty?"Blue nodded, "I'm partial to neuro, sir.""You don't need to say that to kiss my ass, Kwan," Derek muttered, "You are allowed to branch out and you're still early in the game.""The game?"Derek chuckled as he thought back to Richard, "You have good hands, you're quick on your feet, you know your stuff. Just don't forget that there's a human side to all of this."The intern nodded."Alright," Derek sighed, "Let's close up. Clive has a spouse to get back to. Let's make sure he gets back to him."For a moment, Derek felt satisfied with his role as the teacher. What he was unaware of was the pair of eyes from above the gallery.Lucas watched silently. His uncle hadn't noticed him there and if he had, he probably ignored him just like the other times. His phone beeped with a page. Lucas rolled his eyes and made his way out. Away from the reminder that he had to work his ass off to prove himself.Derek walked out of the elevator with Blue trailing behind him."I want neuro exams every hour and if you see any changes, page me," he looked up to spy his wife and daughter walking in, "Hey, what are you doing here?""You didn't see your phone?" Meredith asked, "I called you before I got her-""I've been in surgery," he shook his head, "A trauma came in. What happened?""Nothing happened," Zola shook her head, "I don't know why mom-""She had a panic attack," Meredith whispered, "The school called. They asked to come pick her up.""Wait, what? What triggered it?" Derek turned to his daughter as he reached for her. She pulled away and shook her head."Nothing! I don't know! I'm fine!" Zola turned to her mother, "Can I just go to your office now? You said I had to stay in the office!""Zola," Derek chided, "You don't talk to your mother that way.""I just want you to leave me alone," she cried, "Can I please just go?""Zola, we are just trying to help," Meredith reached for her only for her daughter to pull back again."Mom, please?""Okay fine," Derek conceded, "But you're going to my office and you're staying in there. You're not wandering around. Down the hall, make a right."Zola shook her head, annoyed that he reminded her as if she didn't already know the hospital by heart.Meredith released a sigh and leaned against the nurse's station in front of her as both parents watched their daughter, "What the hell was that?"Derek rubbed his face and yanked off his scrub cap. His fingers ran through his messy curls before placing both hands on his waist in frustration, "I have no idea. She's never ever acted like this before."Meredith bit her lip and thought for a moment.
You want to know why I'm so unfocused? So ordinary? You want to know what happened to me? You! You happened to me!
"It's me she's pissed at," Meredith whispered, "She's pissed at me over the whole-""It's not your fault-""I was angry at Ellis," Meredith explained, "Even when I set aside all the crap she put me through, I was pissed at her for having it and I hated her for making me feel that way."Derek sighed as he turned when her phone rang.Meredith groaned as she read the page, "Pit. I'm needed in the pit.""Meredith-," Derek sighed."Don't," She put a hand up before taking a moment, "I can't be mom or wife right now. I need to be the chief."Meredith walked down the hall. Derek watched as she walked away. To anyone, they'd see Chief Grey making her way to a case. Determined to help and ready for anything. But he knew that on the inside she was pushing through. Barely."Teenagers, mm," Miranda Bailey hummed, "When Tuck hit that age, he would give Ben and I attitude for days."Derek turned to her and leaned against the counter, "She's never acted up that way. She had a panic attack at her presentation last week but she just- It's like she doesn't want us to help."Miranda sighed, "Teenagers have a way of telling you things without actually telling you. You just have to find a way to listen and to get them to talk. She still taking her sessions?""Every week," Derek nodded."See? You're doing your best," Miranda reached for his arm, "You and Grey are great parents, you are just experiencing the beauties of teenage years."She reached to grab her tablet, "Welcome to the club.""Yeah, I hear it's fun," Derek chuckled softly, "Thank you, Dr. Bailey.""It presented like textbook food poisoning," Meredith stared at the red book in front of her. She practically had it memorized and yet this case still baffled her, "And then it evolved into septic shock within hours."Teddy turned to her, "Do we have the source for infection?""Not yet," one intern, Jules Milen, suggested.The voices drowned out around her. So much had gone unsolved over the last few days. So much had clouded the perfect happiness she had finally felt.She was at a loss.And now she was at a loss again with this case. The interns had paged both Meredith and Miranda but they could not conclude a diagnosis. They brought in Teddy as the only available cardiothoracic surgeon and they were still unsure."Dr. Grey?" Bailey called out, "Chief Grey!""I'm sorry," Meredith shook away her thoughts, "Yes. Do that. All of you."Bailey smirked as she watched her former protege bring herself back to planet Earth.She turned to the interns behind her, "Take the rest of the interns and go research. Find something and then page us."Teddy smiled and followed the interns out of the room."Puppies," Bailey scoffed, "You sure about this class?"Meredith sighed, "I am. This place needs a second chance and they need a second chance, we're a perfect match.""Mm," Bailey sighed, "Alright well I'll wait for the page, you scrubbing in or-""Maybe but I doubt it," Meredith shook her head, "But I do want to follow up so please page me?""You got it chief," Bailey jokingly saluted her as Meredith walked out of the room, "Hey, Grey!"Meredith turned to look at her. They had been at each others' throats for a few months before she took over as chief. A lack of communication and understanding stood in the middle of a friendship and mentorship they had developed over the years."You're doing a great job," Miranda nodded, "You haven't burned this place down, yet.""And I plan on keeping it that way," Meredith couldn't help the slight laugh that escaped her, "Thank you.""What are you doing here?"Zola looked up, "Chief let me in here.""No she didn't," Derek raised his brows, "I know for a fact she didn't because you were mean to her out in the hallway."Zola looked up sheepishly. Her father knew her well. Derek sighed as he watched his favorite brown eyes lower."I went to the office and I didn't find you in there," Derek sighed, "I figured you'd be causing havoc in one of the labs."Zola was growing up. He knew that. He understood that. He had made peace with it a long time ago. He expected outbursts and had joked about it with his wife. And they'd seen some of it sprout when they were traveling back and forth to Minnesota. They didn't blame her. She was feeling a sense of loss and that feeling was something they never wanted any of their children to experience."Dad," she muttered as he sat down in front of her, "I didn't want to be so mean I'm just- I'm sorry. ""I know, princess. But it's not me you need to apologize to," Derek sighed as he plopped on the stool in front of her, "Hold those a little tighter.""Like this?" Zola maneuvered the instruments and looked at him for approval. Once he nodded, she looked back into the microscopes and seamlessly continued, "Were you scared? When you found out? Did it scare you?"Derek didn't need to ask what she was talking about. He knew exactly what she was asking.He could lie. He could tell her everything would be fine and there was nothing to worry about. That was his job as her dad right?"I'm scared everyday, Zola," he gulped, "I uh, I worry when she forgets her keys. Or when she asks me what day it is. When she forgets whose day it is to pick you guys up. I think I became even more scared when we decided we wanted to have kids."Zola played with the instruments again and pulled it out, "If I become a general surgeon, would you get jealous?""You're avoiding the topic," he observed, "And yes, I would."Zola giggled, "Maybe I'll be a general surgeon like mom-""Zola," Derek called out.He tilted his head as he searched her eyes, searching for answers. He couldn't find any."Mom has the gene doesn't she?" Zola set down the instruments.His daughter was bright. He knew that. When she found out what took Ellis Grey away, he knew she'd put one and two together. He just never expected the reaction he got out of it."She does.""Did she always know?"Derek shook his head, "She only found out when we she was pregnant with Bailey and she decided to have you go through genetic testing. She wanted to fight for you in case you needed any more medical attention and she wanted to make sure she'd be here for the long run."Zola looked back into the microscopes."I didn't want to know," Derek continued, "I was too scared but your mom, oh Zo your mom's always been the braver one.""What's gonna happen if she gets it?," Zola muttered quietly."Is this why you had questions about your birth mom?" Derek quietly asked, "Why you started watching your grandmother's old surgical videos?""I was an orphan once," Zola looked up at him, "I don't want to be one again. I don't even remember what that's like. All I've known my whole life is you and mom and Bailey and Ellis. What's gonna happen if I lose-""You're not gonna lose us," Derek leaned forward."You don't know that," Zola insisted.Derek suppressed a chuckle. She was just like her mother sometimes."Before we met you," he leaned his elbows on the table in front of him, "I started a surgical clinical trial to find a cure for Alzheimer's-""Like the Parkinson's one?""Yeah," he nodded, "I didn't want your mom to help because it hit too close to home. And then your Uncle Alex knocked some sense into me and told me she was perfect for it. Because she's- she's who she is."Zola stopped and looked at him."We learned some things," he continued with a soft voice, "But we didn't get far."Zola stopped moving the instruments, "What happened?"Derek pondered for a second whether or not he should tell her the truth, "If I tell you, you can't tell your mom I told you.""I promise," Zola nodded before realizing why her mother wouldn't want her to know, "She did something didn't she?""She tampered with it," he nodded, "For a good reason!""You must've been mad.""I was," he sighed, "Actually Zola I don't think I have ever been meaner than the day I found out she tampered with it."Zola furrowed her brows. It didn't seem like her dad. As far as Zola knew, he was always taking care of her mom. Always watching out for her. Even when they argued, her parents were never like other parents."At the time I thought I was angry because, professionally, what she did was wrong. She should've never tampered with it-""But?""But I know your mom does things because she loves so much. It's why I love her," he sighed, "And I was scared because-"He gulped."I know," Zola finished for him.He was angry once. So angry he had been cruel and said things he knew deep down he didn't mean. They were both good at fighting each other. They were good at aiming and shooting exactly where it hurt. Maybe it was that very reason that they also knew very well when they needed each other most. And right now, he knew his wife needed their daughter to understand that she would fight until the very end to know that she loved them. And he'd do the same. He knew his daughter needed her mother. They needed each other."You can't be mad at your mom over this, Zola," Derek whispered, "It's not her fault she has the gene."She looked down at the instruments before looking up at her father with tears in her eyes, "I don't want her to forget me."Derek stood and quickly embraced her, "I know, you don't. I know."He rubbed her back gently as he felt the tears seam through his shirt, "I don't want her to either."The elevator doors opened revealing the hallway she once walked down many times. She spotted Derek and Zola waiting by the door playing thumb wars. Zola giggled as Derek exaggerated a loss.He turned and smiled as he noticed her walk towards them, "Hey Zo, start walking ahead please."Zola nodded and walked ahead to the door. She pulled out her cell phone and walked towards the door."I'm on a four day regimen of antibiotics," Meredith sighed as she took his hand, "I hate today.""I heard, Link caught me up," he sighed, "Interns did okay?""They have a good teacher," Meredith wrapped her arm around him as they followed their daughter out, "Where's Lucas? I thought he was riding back home with us.""Owen let him scrub in on a trauma and honestly, he needs the practice," Derek shook his head, "This class is a little too selfish. It makes me a little worried.""Someone else is keeping me worried," Meredith sighed as she stared ahead before turning to her husband, "Did she talk to you? Has she said anything."Zola sat on a bench as she typed away on her phone. Derek watched her before licking his lips and turning to his wife, "Yeah. We talked.""And?" Meredith waited, "What did she say?"Derek sighed deeply. One glance at his daughter and his heart cracked. Another at his wife at it completely shattered.How the hell was he supposed to save them both?"She has questions that honestly I just-" he twisted his mouth unable to find the right answers, "She's a smart kid, Mer. She knows enough that I can't hide anything from her and what she wants is the truth. She wants the truth."Meredith closed her eyes, "I don't think I'm ready for that.""Me either.""Bailey did you do your homework?" Derek called out as he went through the countless mail envelopes."Yeah!" Bailey's voice called out as he ran down the hall. His socks helped him slide into the kitchen. He looked around confused before turning to his father, "Where's Lucas? He said he'd play with me tonight."Derek chuckled, "He asked me to tell you he was working tonight, bud. Sorry, a surgery ran long.""Aw man," Bailey sighed, "Will he be here tomorrow?""Uh, I think so," Derek smiled at his son, "I can play with you. If I haven't been replaced yet-""I don't think you can beat me at racing, dad" Bailey chuckled as he leaned against the counter."Okay, first off," Derek looked up at his son. He had a mischievous glimmer in his eye that reminded him of himself, "I have been the one to play with you hours on end before Lucas got here so I've had enough practice. Second, yes I can.""Okay, I'll set it up," Bailey exclaimed before running back to his room.Derek chuckled as he watched him run away and his wife walked into the kitchen."Woah, Bails, slow down!" Meredith called out, "He has your energy, I swear. He's a Shepherd all the way."Derek laughed, "Ellis do her homework?'"Reluctantly but she got it done," Meredith opened the fridge and looked through it, "Zola on the other hand didn't get to finish what she missed at school because she was apparently distracted practicing her sutures-""I have no idea what you are talking about," Derek offered nonchalantly as he opened an envelope and read it quickly."Uh huh," Meredith closed her eyes and reached to embrace his back. She pressed her lips against his shoulder and looked over it, "What is it?""Zo's report card," he muttered, "Straight A's. For the millionth time.""At her age I was arguing with my mom over wanting to dye my hair pink," she sighed, "She's a genius. Even if she's mad at me.""She's a little too smart," Derek hummed. "Her teacher wants to meet with us soon.""I saw the email and she mentioned it briefly when I went to pick up Zo earlier," Meredith replied, "We can meet with her next week when we're both off."Derek released another hum in agreement."Bailey's?""Solid grades," he shuffled the papers and showed her the other report, "We're gonna have to have an ice cream family date soon."Meredith chuckled as she released him and walked around the counter, "Unless Ellis' report says she's tormenting her poor teacher again.""She is not tormenting them," Derek laughed.Meredith opened the yogurt and put the spoon in her mouth, "Can I ask you something? And you'll be honest with me?""Yeah," Derek looked up and placed the report card back into the envelope, "What is it?""Do you think we made a mistake by staying in Seattle?" she whispered, "Do you think we should of gone-"Derek shook his head, "I would've followed you anywhere, you know that."His eyes dropped as he searched for words, "But when I look back, I think that if we had left we would've- Minnesota wasn't meant for us.""It was a good project though," Meredith sighed, "I think a part of me is stuck on-""What if we had cured it?" Derek finished for her knowing very well she still had questions and curiosity, "Yeah, same here. Kai says you've been hard to replace.""Oh, I'm sure David will manage," Meredith chuckled, "It could've been a fresh start for Zola.""It could've," he sighed, "but she made it very clear she didn't want to leave either.""Okay, I have another question.""Shoot," Derek reached for a glass of water."Does having Lucas here make you want to go back to New York?" she asked almost in a whisper, "Or at least closer to your mom?"Derek sighed. He thought about it, he couldn't lie about that. Leaving a life behind and firmly shutting the door wasn't easy. Especially when his own family began to grow and all he wanted was to share that with the other part.Meredith couldn't understand that yet. At least not when he was pushing to move back east. Now, she was at least open to the discussions because she could see how much every sister, niece, and nephew meant to him. And how much his mother missed on her grandchildren.But the ties in Seattle were equally strong. Each of their sisters- or at least his favorite sister- was in Seattle, their children were in Seattle, and their lives were firmly planted in Seattle.Leaving was hard. And honestly terrifying."The thought of being closer crossed my mind but," he sighed, "the kids have everything here. I can't do that to them unless we're all on the same page."Meredith nodded unconvinced, "Okay.""What?" He furrowed his brows."Nothing," she snorted, "I just said okay.""In that little tone you use when you don't believe me!" He snorted back.'Meredith set her spoon down, "I think that if my son was across the country and didn't at least call to check in, I would be pretty pissed.""She called you," Derek watched as she threw the yogurt tin in the trash and made her way to the room, "My mother called you. What did she say?"Carolyn Shepherd was a complicated person. She was overprotective. Overbearing. Quick to judge. All things that would've irritated Meredith. But she knew that the woman had also pushed the darkness as far as she could. She had five children to carry forward and darkness had no place around them.And for some strange reason, Carolyn Shepherd liked Meredith Grey. The feeling had grown mutual."She called looking for you because you didn't pick up your phone, Derek," she sighed, "You have a terrible history at not picking up so she was worried. She was just checking in."She reached to peck his cheek, "I can't be doing a better job at this extended family thing. That is your job. Call her please."If there were an award for a father and son duo who were so annoyingly similar, Derek Christopher Shepherd and Derek Bailey Shepherd would win it.Both were competitive. Overeager. Overcompetitive. And Overconfident.They were over- everything.Bailey's look of concentration matched his father's as his racecar swerved on it's final lap."Oh, no, no, no!" Derek groaned as his son defeated him for the second time. Bailey laughed as his watched his car reach the finish line, "Best two out of three?""That was the third race!" Bailey laughed as he turned to his father, "But I'll race you again?"Derek sighed as he checked his watch, "It's late bud, you really need to get some sleep."He pushed himself off his son's bed and took both remotes to put back in their place. Bailey thanked him as he pulled the sheets and tucked under them, "Dad?""Yeah Bails?""What happened with Zola?" Bailey asked curiously, "Why was she crying last night? I thought she was excited for her- whatever it was?"Derek released a sigh before plopping next to his son, "She's uh, she's having a tough time right now, Bailey.""Why?""She's worried about-" Derek paused, unsure of whether or not his son knew everything the way Zola did, "She was researching about your grandmother Ellis and she got a little nervous.""She's having panic attacks again?"Derek nodded surprised that his son was so aware, "She is.""Is she gonna be okay?""I think so," Derek nodded, "We just have to be there for her and remind her that we love her."Bailey nodded, "I'll keep an eye on her at school. I'll make sure she's okay.""Okay," Derek grinned proudly. He was proud his son had been turning out to be a good brother. He was reliable and kind. Even if he enjoyed bickering with his sisters- especially his youngest, "Get some sleep. Love you kid.""Love you, too," Bailey smiled as his father ruffled his blonde hair.Derek walked out of the room and made his way to the one across. His youngest was sprawled on her stomach drawing a picture. He chuckled as he made his way inside."You're supposed to be sleeping, Ellie," he sat next to her, "Momma tucked you in a while ago.""It's still one minute until my bedtime," she argued. That young baby voice she once had was gone. She had even gone through a growth spurt that had broken his heart just a little, but no matter what, the same stubbornness followed her around. And she would always be his little girl."Okay, well now my watch says the minute is over and you need to sleep," he laughed, "C'mon under your sheets. Hand over the goods."Ellis groaned as she passed him her coloring supplies. He helped her tuck back in."You're no fun, daddy," Ellis groaned."I know, baby girl," Derek chuckled, "I'm never fun when I don't give in to you.""Please daddy, another minute?" Ellis pleaded as she threw her big green eyes at him. She did the same thing her mother often did. She looked up at him with longing eyes and a slight grin. The kind of grin that told him she knew what she was doing and she knew it would work. She slightly quirked her brow until Derek released a long sigh."You learned that look from your mother," Derek shook his head, "You really need to sleep or else you're gonna be grumpy in the morning.""I'm not grumpy with you," Ellis smiled as she realized her tactics were slowly failing, "What if I promise I won't be?"Now she was negotiating. That she learned from him."Ellis-""Please," she pleaded again before whispering, "Just one more minute."Derek sighed again. Damn she was good."Fine but I'm counting it down," he returned her coloring book before sitting next to her."Maybe two?" Ellis grinned before seeing her dad's reaction. He wouldn't cave this time she could tell, "Fine, start the clock."Elsewhere, Meredith mustered the courage to enter the third room. Zola's.She took a deep breathe and knocked twice before opening the door slightly, "Hey, did you get through your work?"Zola looked up from her novel, "I just finished it.""Okay," Meredith gulped before sighing, "Zo, can we talk?"Zola closed her book and nodded. Meredith closed the door behind her and made her way to the bed."Mom?" Zola began, "I shouldn't have been mean earlier today. I'm sorry I was.""I know, Zozo," Meredith sat in front of her daughter and pulled a pillow to her chest, "I know you are. And I also know that everything you found out about Ellis scared you."Zola nodded without answering."I was angry at my mom too," Meredith whispered, "I was angry that she left me alone to deal with the mess she left behind.""You were?""I was," Meredith nodded, "I was mad that she refused to let anyone in her life and that she left everything up to me. I didn't think it was fair and I didn't understand why she did it. I didn't understand anything because she never talked to me about it. So I was mad."Zola listened carefully."I can't control what happens Zo. I wish I could," Meredith continued, "But, I can promise that I will do my best to not burden you. You are not alone, Zo. You never will be."Zola did her best to grin, "I know, mom.""Okay," Meredith reached to caress her cheek, "And it's okay to be scared and upset. Just try not to let it push us out, okay?"Zola nodded again."Love you, bug," Meredith reached to press her lips on her daughter's forehead before making her way out the door."Mom-"Meredith turned, "Yeah?"Zola stared for a moment, "Thank you."Meredith smiled gently, "Sweet dreams, Zo."Meredith walked out of Zola's bedroom and closed the door behind her. She watched as Derek closed the door behind him."Rough one?" she asked."Very," he sighed, "You?""Me too," she sighed back as she watched him make his way towards her. His arms enveloped him as her palms laid flat against his back, "They're gonna be okay, right?""I hope so," he answered, "We can always return them. I'm sure they're still taking back returns somewhere. There wasn't any age caps when we got 'em, was there?"Meredith laughed as she shook her head against his chest, "We can't do that!"
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"There you are," Simone hissed as Lucas sat next to her, "I thought you'd miss it."Lucas sat on the last seat of the row and passed water bottles down the row for each of the five interns in his cohort."I almost did," Lucas whispered, "Shoulda let you get your own damn snacks."He could hear Blue snicker from his place two seats down, "Let's not pretend you don't already know the ins and outs of this case. You're a Shepherd, your already a step ahead of us.""You sure about that?" another intern, Mika Yasuda, snorted next to Blue.Lucas stared at the both of them with a look of anger in his eyes. Ever since they had found out he was a Shepherd, he couldn't live anything down. For once in his life, all he wanted was to thrive without depending on any family connections. No help from his mother or his father. And none from his uncle or any of his aunts. He needed to prove to everyone he could do it.Perhaps Grey Sloan was the worst place to do that. He felt it in his core that being an intern here was the wrong move but he was limited on choices and he was stuck here."You know what-" Lucas growled."Hey the five of you?" Chief Grey turned from her seat and hissed, "Shut up before I ban each of you from the OR!"Lucas gulped as the rest of his peers sat straighter in their seat.Meredith Grey used to sit on these seats with the rest of her class. She could see George pass out the snacks as Cristina showed them to their reserved seats.Then, she became the attending presenting complicated surgeries and procedures.Now, she was the chief watching the attendings and the interns.Her husband's- Dr. Shepherd's voice echoed in the hall as he spoke, "This surgery is not the first of its kind, but it's the first one done here in the west coast-""And it'll be the first one done after the first surgery didn't take," Amelia took over, "We've been in contact with the lead researchers in New York to see how we can modify the technique-"Derek nodded before he continued, "And if we're lucky and at top of our game, we will have aided in helping a quadrapalegic into a parapalegic-""And we'll be the first to do it," Amelia beamed.They were beasts. The both of them. Amelia Shepherd and Derek Shepherd had each made a name for themselves. They had each tackled cases that tested their surgical excellence and mental capacity. They had suffered losses that made them want out of the game. And even then, they were both ready to come back and play again.Together, they seemed…like puzzle pieces that were struggling to fit. But when turned and pressed the right way, you'd prove they were perfectly matched."It's the kind of research and technique you could only dream about. And you will be able to see it here at Grey Sloan," Derek looked out to the crowd of attendings and interns, "Dr. Shepherd and I will select one intern to scrub in with us.""Any questions?"Interns raised their hands with an abundance of questions. The surgeons answered enthusiastically and effortlessly. This wouldn't be the first time Amelia and Derek would be scrubbing in on a surgery together. And she was sure it wouldn't be the last, either. They worked exceedingly well together and the hayday of their constant battling was long over. Now it was playful sibling banter, big brother reprimands, and little sister pestering that surrounded them. There was also a level of respect between the two. And Meredith was glad to see it.As they finished up, Chief Grey stood from her seat in the audience, "Thank you Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Shepherd."The room was filled with scatters of light chuckles."This is what we're known for. Groundbreaking surgeries that give our patients hope. We see them go home to their families and live a long healthy life. It's why we're doctors," Meredith continued as she stuffed her hands in her pockets, "For you interns, this will be the chance to observe two of world-class neurosurgeons at their very best. So take advantage. Ask questions. Take notes. Breathe in the majesty of life saving."The row of interns nodded inspired by what they had just seen."Dr. Derek Shepherd and Dr. Amelia Shepherd are highly regarded for their individual work but when they work together, it's incredible," the chief turned to the neurosurgeons with a smile before turning to the interns in the room, "You'll really get to see why you call them the Shepherd Super Surgeons."The room laughed extensively. It was a nickname the pair had earned from this class. Lucas had let it slip to Meredith once when he was venting about his uncle's lack of understanding.Meredith turned to the attendings on the stage, "The patient will be here at noon for labs and the surgery will be tomorrow morning. Right?"Derek nodded, "That's correct, Chief.""Okay, in the meantime," Meredith smiled and turned back to the room, "Let's get back to work. You've got lives to save."Derek and Amelia watched as the room scattered before turning to each other."Shepherd Super Surgeons?" Amelia raised a brow, "Is that what they're calling us?"Meredith giggled, "Adams let it slip one time and I've heard it thrown around every now and then.""The nicknames get worse every year," Derek shook his head."Well it's kind of hard to top McDreamy," Meredith shot him a smile before it quickly faded, "Listen I know this is about the patient, and your patient's wellbeing is your main priority but please keep me updated with results."The siblings turned to her with concerned looks. This was their chief speaking, not their wife or sister."The hospital took a big hit with the suspension of the residency program and getting our ranking and patients back has been a tough road," she sighed, "If all goes well, I'd appreciate it if you published.""Noted," Amelia nodded, "We'll update you when we finish.""You got it," Derek leaned against the podium, "Avery said something?"Meredith rolled her eyes in response.Derek knew the job well. He knew that she cared deeply for her patients. He knew that her priority was always the patients. But he was also highly aware that being chief came with additional responsibilities.Derek looked down at his wrist watch before raising his brows at his wife, "Okay, we gotta go if I'm gonna make it back before our patient gets here."Amelia watched as Derek and Meredith both made their way out the room, "Where are you two going?"Meredith shrugged off her lab coat as Derek turned to his sister, "We have a meeting with Zola's counselor at her school.""Oh, I remember those," Amelia smirked, "Mom would always freak when she was called in.""You're not helping," Meredith rolled her eyes."Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Grey," Ms. Ballard, Zola's counselor, shook each of their hands as she invited them to sit down, "Thank you for making the time."Zola Grey Shepherd was a well recognized scholar in every grade she had been in. She excelled academically and was incredibly social. She loved correcting her teachers and loved being the best. It was a trait they weren't always too sure who she had inherited from. Bailey wasn't too far behind. He struggled a little, was a little distracted, but his hard efforts always paid off. Ellis was a quick learner. She kept everyone on her toes but she was brilliant nonetheless. She just hadn't reached the same school her older siblings were at just yet.Today the parents of the Little Grey Shepherds were here for Zola. After her latest panic attack in school, her counselor requested a meeting.Both parents nodded before Derek spoke up, "Zola's report card came in. She's kept up with her grades in all subjects and has kept up with all her extracurriculers. I know it's been a challenge but she's not-""Derek-" Meredith whispered. She was nervous just as he was but she expected herself to be the one with a mouthful of questions.The woman chuckled, "No Dr. Shepherd, Zola is not struggling academically- well, you know her grades have slipped a bit but not because she doesn't know the content. Not in the slightest-""Is this about her panic attacks? She's seeing someone but she's had panic attacks here," Meredith interrupted.Derek turned to Meredith and reached for her hand."I know, Dr. Grey. I know how much you care for your children. They are both wonderful and have always had excellent comments from their teachers,"Ms. Ballard took another breathe, "But truthfully, we're a little stuck because we don't know what exactly could have triggered it."Both parents looked at each other confused."She was in the middle of science class," The teacher continued, "I spoke to her science teacher as well as the other teachers and they agree that it's Zola's favorite subject. She's always participating, involved in class discussions, she's ahead of her peers which is why she was recommended for the merit program-""So then what happened?" Derek asked, "Did something else happen?""You need to get to the point," Meredith raised a brow."We had a meeting," The counselor sighed, "Her teachers and I all met and we reviewed her academic progress over the years. Observed her carefully in social settings. Observed interactions with her peers-"A folder was pulled out and opened revealing all her academic notes and grades. A perfect report card each year. Extracurricular participation. High comments from all educators."We know our child is smart," Meredith furrowed her brows, "What are you trying to say.""Zola is easily bored in class," Ms. Ballard continued, "She participates but she's ahead of her peers. She thinks differently, her critical thinking skills are high, she has friends but she has a stronger sense of connection with her teachers because she's craving an opportunity to be challenged and to engage with people at her level."Both parents listened intently as they each scanned through the comments from her teachers.Zola Grey-Shepherd is a smart and inquisitive student who loves to learn.
Zola Grey-Shepherd demonstrates a passion for learning and is exceeding expectations
Zola Grey-Shepherd developed a strong sense of empathy and compassion towards her peers.
Talented.
Above standards
Thriving.
All comments of a model student who exceeded all expectations thrown at her.Ms. Ballards voice interrupted their thoughts, "All of these are signs of a student who is extremely gifted.""Gifted?" Meredith asked cautiously.Derek released a breath. A lightbulb went off as if telling him that there was the answer he had been searching for.How the hell could it have escaped him?"Yes," Ms. Ballard nodded, "I suggest that Zola move forward with neurological testing to understand how we can better fit her needs. Whether it's here or in a school that gives her the stimulating challenges she needs."The parents glanced at each other. With one glance, they both knew they were at different ends of a decision. An impasse."No!""You heard what she said, she is already way ahead of the kids around her age-"Meredith scoffed as her shoes clacked on the pavement of the parking lot, "I'm aware that she's a smart kid, Derek! But I'm not putting her under any more pressure and have her tested neurologically!"She kept walking as she heard him sigh in annoyance, "What if she isn't gifted? What would that do to her self-esteem-"Derek quickly stood in front of her and blocked the car's passenger door before she could make her way in, "You and I both know that Zola is much smarter than an average kid, we've been saying that since she was a toddler-""So you're suggesting that these panic attacks are solely because she's gifted? Can we please stop pretending that our daughter hasn't gone through any trauma-""I know she's been through a lot Meredith!""Her being gifted is not the only answer!""I know that! But if she is deemed gifted we can find her the right tools to help her, c'mon Meredith you know just as well as I do that if she is gifted, those feelings of anxiety-""I am saying no!" Meredith shook her head, "I will not pressure our child into thinking that she's some sort of genius and then-""What? Fail the tests? Say she isn't?" Derek pushed her."Zola is a perfectionist," Meredith gritted, "And she likes to know the truth of things. We can't just say this is some random test and not tell her the truth- you've said that yourself. What if it turns out she's not whatever the hell it is that woman said? What if-""Gifted. She said she might be gifted-"" -it really is just her anxiety?"Derek paced once as he sighed deeply. He let her continue."Do you know what's gonna happen then? She's going to be pissed. She's going to be angry - at us- and this will only add on to what she already feels! It will hurt her, you know that! I know that!"Derek put both his hands on his hips, "She's not-""Yes she is, Derek! You know our daughter," Meredith exclaimed, "She needs to be perfect. She has always done this. I am not putting my daughter under the same pressure I was once under. She's just a kid, I'm not doing that to her!""That's not what we're doing-""And I'm done talking about this!"He groaned. He knew he wouldn't get anywhere with her. He rubbed his face one final time before conceding the fight, "Fine. You win. We won't test her.""Thank you," Meredith muttered, "Can I get in now? We have to get to the hospital.""So she's a genius why does it surprise you?""It doesn't surprise me!" Meredith paced from one side to the other in the empty lab, "I know she's smart. I know she's incredibly curious about things-""That's not what the teacher said, you said the teacher used the word gifted," Alex muttered as he reviewed his patient's chart, "So what are you going to do? Are you gonna have her-""No!"She'd brought Alex back when she had stepped up as Chief. Jo had finished her fellowship in Boston and their contract at Mass. Gen. had officially come to a close. Working under Meredith Grey was tempting- and a very welcome home.Nothing fell out of place for the two friends. The same dark sense of humor and banter between them fell right back into place. He knew her well enough that many of her fears had stemmed from her childhood- which was just as sorted and twisted as his."Oh c'mon," Alex groaned, "Why not? You're kid's a genius what else could you want? At her age I was getting into fights-""Shut up, I got two others," Meredith pointed at him, "That very well could happen with Bailey.""With how Shepherd reigns him in," Alex scoffed, "I doubt it.""Ellis is a mini-me," Meredith countered, "According to her dad. She'll be the one fighting in the playground she already bit a kid when she used to go to day care here.""Yeah you may want to keep your eye on that one," Alex chuckled.Meredith paced around the room again as she blew out a breath. This wasn't an easy or simple decision. Or maybe it was and she was too scared that something could go wrong.Zola's panic attacks weren't new. They had begun about a year ago when Meredith and Derek took on a clinical trial to find a cure for Parkinson's in Minnesota. Both parents traveled often and on one occasion, Meredith had flown out on her own. Derek stayed behind and when her flight was delayed, Zola burst into tears and a wave of fear of plane crashes and death overwhelmed her. Derek held her shaking body and had to break the news to his wife.The months that followed weren't easy either. The trial was demanding and needed her time. A surgeon had suggested he had developed feelings for Meredith, bringing out a bitter side out of Derek again and instigating fight after fight.They were difficult months. Difficult months that tested them as a family. As a marriage. And as parents.And for a long time, it seemed that they had come out the other side safely."Derek wants to test her. He thinks the teacher is right.""Of course he would,"Alex looked up from his notes, "You should too. What are you so scared of? That some stupid test says Zola isn't a genius? Or that it says it does? It shouldn't change anything. It should help.""You're supposed to take my side!""Yeah well I've grown. I got one of my own," Alex chuckled.Luna. Jo and Alex had adopted her after Jo had lost a patient. She was Alex's entire world and Jo's light in life.Alex looked up at his friend, "If it were my kid, I'd test her."Meredith stared at him with a raised brow, "Look at us. Talking about our kids.""Yeah," Alex stood from his spot, "Yang would be laughing at us now.""I'm gonna kill your wife for hiring him," Amelia opened the door to her brother's office, "Every time I see him, it's like I'm seeing myself."She plopped onto the chair in front of her brother's desk, "I ask him to do something, he does the opposite. I tell him the sky is blue he says it's red just to piss me off. I am starting to understand why his mother-"Derek looked up with a loud groan, "You are describing your own teenage years, you know that? Now you know how mom and I felt.""Oh, please," Amelia scoffed, "I was a lot easier than him."Derek glared at her."Okay, sensitive topic," she moved to lean her head on the desk, "You think we're ready for tomorrow?""We are," Derek muttered, "Her labs are fine and we've researched our asses off. I just don't want to be overconfident and gets their hopes too high.""Yeah," Amelia sighed, "Were you like him? When you were an intern?""What are you talking about?" Derek didn't bother to look up at her."Lucas. A bit of a mess," Amelia elaborated, "Mer says she brought him on because he reminds her of me and I think she also meant you."Derek didn't answer. His stern face glared at the papers in front of him before he looked up, "Is Kai coming into town this weekend?"Amelia furrowed her brows. Derek had been supportive of their relationship. He -as well as the rest of the family- got along well with Kai and was truly happy his sister had someone who truly made her happy.But the fact that her brother ignored her question didn't go unnoticed. Lucas had always been the favorite nephew and every Shepherd sister knew it. He was like a practice run on how to be a dad."Um, no they have a conference," Amelia replied, "Why?""Meredith and I met with Zola's school counselor today," Derek leaned back on his chair and folder his hands on his chest, "Academically, Zola is so far ahead compared to her classmates. She's had flying colors all throughout school and she is inquisitive. She's never satisfied with what they teach because she wants to know more. She has questions that kids her age typically don't ask."He pictured a five year old Zola sitting on the couch next to him.
Derek had been working on his computer for the last few minutes. Zola had plopped next to him with a big book. It looked like she was struggling as the heaviness of the book weighed on her. Yet, he could see the determined little sparkle in her eye that told him she'd pull it up on the couch no matter what.
He eyed her curiously, "Zozo? What are you doing?"
"I'm gonna read this book daddy," Zola answered as she opened the giant book to the first page, "I'm working.""Oh, you're working," Derek held in a chuckle. He leaned over to see the book in her hand, "Can I see the title?"
Her little hand held down on the first page of the book as she turned the cover so her father could see.
He chuckled even more at the sight of an old edition of the textbook,"Boardman's Neurosurgery?"
"It's a brain book," Zola beamed at him proudly, "I'm gonna be a newosurgeon like you.""Neuro, Zo," he swallowed a lump as an old memory played in his mind, "Neurosurgeon."Amelia shook her head at the thought of her niece, "The kid reads about AVMs and clinical trials Derek, what did you expect?""She is also highly empathetic," he continued, "which I always thought she learned from her mom-""Meredith's a good mom," Amy whispered, "She's my sister and even though we had our bumps she's always there. She definitely learned that from her.""She mentioned she was highly inquisitive, creative, imaginative, and that sometimes she finds it hard to relate to peers because she's so ahead for her age, Derek nodded, "Her counselor and teachers suggested that she be tested to see if she is gifted."Amelia nodded finally understanding her brother's question, "What do you think?""I-," he sighed, "Yeah, I think I agree. I may be biased because she's my kid but Zola is so mature for her age. Typically, I put it on the fact that she has seen so much with Meredith and I but she's so much more.""And you want Kai to help," Amelia nodded, "What does her mom think?"Derek pursed his lips together. With a slight tilt of his head, his sister already knew the answer."Ah," Amelia gave him a nod, "She doesn't want to. She's scared."Derek tilted his head, "She talked to you about it?""No," Amelia leaned back on her chair mimicking her brother's actions, "But when it comes to being a mom I can relate. So much has happened that all you want to do is protect your kids from anything and everything."Derek shook his head. He understood what Amelia was saying. It made sense that Meredith wanted to protect her as fiercely as she was. He knew his wife was fiercely protective and was conscious about what kind of mother she wanted to be.Kind. Compassionate. Supportive. Encouraging. Loving.She was that and so much more."You should talk to Maggie," Amelia suggested, "She's a bonafide genius, remember?""Hey Derek!"Derek turned to look up at Maggie making her way down the stairs, "Mags, I was just looking for you.""Oh, okay, well," Maggie sighed as she leaned on the counter next to him, "My patient, Meryl Jones. You cleared her right? She had headaches after falling in her home-""Yeah, Griffith paged me earlier," Derek nodded, "She's clear to go.""Thanks," Maggie sighed as she looked at her brother's expression. She spent a long enough time with her brother in law to know he knew her well.She leaned against the counter and folded her hands together, "How are you and Mer? How are you handling the Zola thing-"Derek shook his head not knowing how truthful he could be, "Have you talk to your sister?""She told me she shut her out but Mer gets protective about the kids and I pretty much know why-""Yeah, well we know why," he nodded with a deep sigh. Derek leaned closely to her, "I need to ask you something that I've brought up to Mer before but-""I'm not getting in the middle of you and Mer's bickering-"Maggie's expression was priceless. She had seen enough of their fights to know that they were both overly complicated and being in the middle was useless because everytime, they would make up and move on."It's about Zola," Derek sighed with a slight laugh, "You know her just as well as your sister and I-""Dr. Pierce," an intern called out, "Oh, sorry, but uh, Dr. Hunt asked me to find you."Maggie nodded at the intern, annoyed at the interruption. Maggie had a close relationship with Zola. Maggie understood many of the things her parents simply could not.Zola was growing into a strong, confident, loving, young Black woman. And society wasn't always kind or understanding or really anything positive to a Black woman.Being raised by white parents was a different experience. They loved their daughter deeply, talked about race and made sure they did the work- Miranda Bailey had kicked Derek's ass about that long ago anyways- but sometimes, they couldn't understand things the way Maggie Pierce did. She was a strong, confident, loving, young Black woman. Their daughter looked up to her.And as Zola was growing into her own self, Maggie was a confidant she trusted. And both parents appreciated and cherished that."I'll be right there," Maggie called out before turning to glare at her brother in law again, "Find me later, please? I want to help.""Thanks," Derek nodded as he watched her walk away."I have no idea why he hasn't called Carolyn," Meredith sighed as she rubbed her temple. Derek was supposed to call his mother. Derek was supposed to get Carolyn off her back. Derek was supposed to be on the freakin phone with his mother. Not her.Miranda stepped in through the door and stopped midway, as if realizing she was too late to knock on the door. And she was.A sense of relief washed over Meredith as she raised a finger to Miranda, "You know what Carolyn, I will remind him again tonight but I really have to go. I'm needed."Miranda sat on the chair in front of Meredith and waited."I will tell the kids," Meredith smiled very briefly at the mention, "Okay, bye."A loud groan escaped the chief after she pressed the button to hang up."Derek's mom?" Bailey laughed."I swear, the Shepherds are just as complicated as the Greys," Meredith shook her head as she threw the phone on her desk, "He's usually great at calling his mother. Amy is the one that avoids her but lately he's been skirting around her and I'm the one that gets yelled at.""It's a good thing she likes you," Bailey laughed, "Listen, I came for a favor-""Please tell me you are not quitting," Meredith closed her eyes."No, no, I'm not," Bailey sighed, "But I do want to cut back on my hours here."Meredith furrowed her brows. She had stepped down from her position as chief after the chaos that was the previous year. Meredith had stepped down as director of the residency program and handed the reigns back to Richard. Richard implemented a more hands on approach for the residents that caused catastrophic losses. The program was on probation and effectively shut down when attendings began to fold and quit. Meredith and Derek had been among the attendings to submit their letters of resignation. And when everyone in the hospital turned their backs to her, she was more than ready to walk away.But she knew deep down this place was home. She wasn't done here and her children needed a stability only home could provide.Miranda had cheered her on as she stepped into her role. And like a true mentor, she helped whenever Meredith asked questions. But really, Meredith had been more than ready for her new role."I am not leaving my position as attending but I do want to reopen the clinic," Miranda explained, "I'll run it twenty hours a week and the rest of the time, I'll be a surgeon here.""That's a blow to our schedule, you know that," Meredith sighed, "You're the chief of general surgery-""So ask someone else," Miranda shrugged, "You brought in the Karevs who are both world class surgeons. Jo can handle it-""The Clinic is another expense that our budget can't handle right now," Meredith shook her head, "Even if Jo took your position as chief, I have to run it through the board and through the foundation to run it.""Grey," Miranda glared, "How much did you and the rest of your class gain from working at the clinic-""We learned a lot but it also took a lot-""I need a purpose that's other than cutting if you want to keep me here. You have daughters and right now, we're in a war for our rights!"Meredith eyed Bailey as she put pieces together, "Are you saying you want to revamp the clinic to a women's clinic?""Yes! And I want to expand and help women across the country because our damn politicians can't get anything right," Miranda exclaimed, "Look, at least tell me you'll think about it. It's what you do when people ask for the impossible of the chief!"Meredith laughed before releasing a long sigh. This was just what she needed. Purpose."I like the idea. I do, I really do. So as soon as I get approval, I am more than happy to let you revamp the clinic. I'll start working on the budget tonight.""Thank you!" Miranda stood, "You will not regret-""I know I won't. And I know it's in good hands," Meredith nodded, "But it may take some time to get the budget adjusted. We just revamped the residency program and I've stretched the budget to the point where I got looks from Avery.""So tell him to suck it up," Bailey sighed, "By the way, I overheard you and Derek talk about your little girl. How's she doing?""She's trying to learn how to cope again," Meredith sighed, "The attacks had stopped. They had really stopped and then out of no where she had one when she was presenting a paper on Ellis Grey-""Why was she reading about Ellis Grey?"Meredith shrugged, "Derek says she tends to need the truth about things and I rarely talk about my mother. But, she hears things from my sisters and from people who knew her that she asks questions.""And she got answers you didn't want her to have," Bailey nodded."I thought I had to worry about being absent," Meredith shook her head, "And now I gotta worry about my daughter thinking I'm dying of Alzheimer's."Bailey's phone went off with a page, "I gotta go. Incoming trauma, keep me updated with the clinic, Chief."Meredith watched as Bailey stood and walked away before she stopped at the door, "This job, is hard."Bailey furrowed her brows, "This job you have- that we have. It isn't easy. And I'm not talking about being the chief. Being a mother- a parent- is the hardest job you'll ever have. But I've found that going with my instinct, even when it's scary, is always the right call."Meredith nodded softly. Bailey always had sound advice to give. In the professional and personal aspect. It's why she was so respected. And why Meredith cared about her opinion and approval.Meredith smiled softly, "Thank you."Derek could feel the heaviness of the day as he walked into the chief's office and closed the door behind him, "Hey.""Hi," Meredith muttered as she watched him sit on the chair in front of her. She glanced up from her papers and peered at him through her eyelashes, "Are you coming in as my attending or my husband?""Husband," he clarified, "I'm done as an attending for the day.""You should go home, you have your big surgery tomorrow. You and Amy need to rest up," Meredith eyed him as she threw a stack of paperwork behind her."I wanted to check in before I left," he quietly replied as he watched her work, "We didn't leave things in a good way at the school and I don't to fight about this or leave it at that.""I know," Meredith dropped her pen and sighed as she leaned back on her chair, "I don't either but I also don't want to add the pressure onto her. And I definitely don't want to fight over this with you.""I get that, I do," Derek nodded as he leaned closer to her desk and folded his hands on top of it, "I just think that we need to talk about it more. That's all."He looked into her eyes and could see the resistance."We're not gonna reach any middle ground tonight, are we?" he asked with a heavy sigh."No," Meredith sternly responded."Okay," he leaned back on the chair as he grabbed a nearby journal she had tossed to the side of the desk earlier."What are you doing?""I'm gonna sit here without saying a word for the next hour," he didn't bother to look up, "If you're done by then, we'll go home together and if you don't, I'll head home and put the kids to bed. Either way, I'm gonna sit with you, in silence, as you work."Meredith couldn't help the small smile that tugged at the corner of her lips. Years ago, hell even months ago, this would've been an argument. Which parent was right which one was wrong. She'd dig in her heels and he'd dig in his.But not tonight. Tonight, her husband, who knew the demands of her job very well was sitting in silence right in front of her. Keeping her company. Because he wanted to.And right at this moment, it was all she ever wanted. Someone to have her back without overly hovering and needing constant reassurance. She didn't say it often, and she didn't need to. Because he knew that the small actions she did were her own way of telling him how she felt.When she wrapped her arm around his. When her hand reached for his own. When she leaned her head against his shoulder. A kiss in the morning. Giving him his coffee in the morning. Teasing over the silliest of things. An embrace on a difficult day. A quiet evening outside on their porch. Being intimate in the most tender of ways- and in many others. A simple smile."Derek?"True to his word, he didn't respond. He looked up from the journal with a questioning look."I love you," she whispered.She could swear that his smile could light up the entire room. It gave her comfort. And she knew that the simple smile he was giving her right now was more than enough to know that he felt the exact same way.They wouldn't fight on this. She could feel it. Disagree maybe, but the battling and constant warring was far behind them."I love you, too."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Once upon a time, she thought marriage would lead to boredom. Dullness. Monotony. Routine. She feared it and was certain it would lead to an inevitable demise of a boring marriage.Nothing made her happier than proof that she had been wrong. Because right now, at this very moment, Meredith Grey was anything but bored.She gripped the sheets until she was certain her knuckles had lost all it's color. She could feel the heat on her chest travel up her cheeks. She was certain she'd blow their cover as she tried to supress a loud, long, languid moan. She felt his hand travel up her navel as her right hand flew to the salt and peppered tresses of his hair hidden between her thighs.She was falling, falling, falling, and didn't know where or when to land.When she finally hit planet earth, she could hear his smug laugh as he pressed long open mouthed kisses up her torso, her neck, and finally her lips."Oh," she moaned, "that was.."She kissed him again as he chuckled into the kiss."What were we..?""You're taking them to school today, Zo doesn't have therapy today, Bailey has practice, " he kissed her neck again as he resumed the conversation they were having before the interlude, "but Erin is picking them up so he should be fine."This had become a norm with them. Sex and the mundane conversations of their every day routine."Right, ohh," she moaned as his hands wandered once more. She wrapped her legs around him as her own hands ran down the firmness of his arms, "Your big, big surgery-"He kissed her again as his hand slid up the thigh wrapped around his waist."-is today." Another kiss."I have to impress the chief," he whispered into her ear before nipping her lobe, "She's very hard to impress."Meredith giggled as she pressed another kiss to his lips and felt him roll over onto his back. She rolled onto her stomach and watched him through hooded eyes."That was a good way to wake up," Meredith sighed, "And a nice distraction from all the crappy things happening."Derek laughed as he reached for the phone on the night table and looked at the time. Big surgeries always made him nervous. He had been up for at least an hour tossing and turning before his final turn made him meet a pair of green eyes.What was supposed to be a gentle good morning kiss, turned into a long, passionate, round of sex. The kind that left them both breathless and yearning for more. Sex between Meredith and Derek was a form of communication between the two. A way of hiding away from the world. And a reassurance that they still had passion between them.But now time was reminding him that he needed to face the day and the responsibilities ahead of it. Their time in solace was over."I gotta get up soon if I wanna get there early," he muttered before groaning. He pushed the sheet off and tried to sit up before a palm pressed against him."Wait," she pressed another kiss against him before returning the open mouthed kisses against his neck, "We're not done.""We're not?" he watched as she kissed down his torso her teeth capturing one nipple before her hand wandered down his body.She looked up at him, lust and longing clouding her eyes before disappearing from his sight.And in a pleasurable turn of events, he was the one suppressing moans and clutching on sheets.Derek let out a long hiss, "We're not done.""Big freakin day today!" An overenthusiastic Amelia shrieked as she ran up to her fellow neurosurgeon.Derek sighed as he met his sister at the elevator door, "Big freakin' day.""Are you smiling because of the surgery or because you got laid this morning? You should've been here a lot earlier-"Derek frowned at his sisters lack of a filter and released a loud groan, "I'm not one of your sisters. My sex life is none of your buis- "Amelia chuckled as she waved him off, "You're right, I don't care. This is happening, we are really doing this?""It's really happening," Derek nodded as the elevator doors opened, "Did you see my suggestion for the surgery?""I did," Amelia sighed, "I was kind of hoping-""We can't let personal feelings in this," Derek stopped her, "We're attendings on this, he's an intern, he's not our nephew here. He made that clear.""No, I know that!" Amelia smacked his arm, "I was hoping you'd be swayed to give Milin a shot but I think Griffith is good. She's got quick hands and Maggie vouched for her too.""Okay, good, so it's Griffith," Derek nodded before they stopped at the door, "You want to do the honors?"Derek gestured towards the door. This was her case. He was just tagging along. He was being a supportive brother- something he was always accused of not being. And he wasn't always. But with time, and after a few near death experiences, he had changed.Amelia smiled as she walked into the patient's room, "Good morning! How are we feeling this morning?""It's here?,"Toby, a former patient of Amelia's, answered, "They're here? The stem cells are here?"Derek smiled behind his sister, "They're here. How are you feeling Kari? You ready to do this?"Kari had lost all sensation and feelings from her neck after a collision. Link and Amelia had done everything they could but sometimes you couldn't predict what happened in the OR. Her spine swelled and Kerry had become a quadraplegic.It was heartbreaking, but Amelia was determined to find a way to help. And now, she'd be able to see this home."Yes," Kari stared at both surgeons before turning to her child, "We're ready."No movement came from her except a slight nod.Derek nodded before lowering his voice, "It's my job to remind you of the risks to this surgery-""What else can happen to me?" Kari chuckled before her eyes landed on her child."You should listen to him," Toby nodded, "These risks can-""Toby," Kari looked at them, "There's no living without risk, remember?""Mom-" Toby gulped."Up until two years ago, I had that boring job I hated so much I'd cry in my car every day at lunch, but I was too scared to quit," Kari whispered to them. Derek took a step back to allow them a moment. He couldn't help but listen to the words coming out of the mother's mouth.And then you came home and you said, "Mom, I'm not a woman. And I'm not a man. I'm both. And I love you, but I don't care if you like it or not". And I realized how much of my life I've lived in fear while you, my child, who I made, was living your truest, most authentic life," Kari continued as tears ran down her eyes, "Your bravery is the reason I started really living, and not once in these last two weeks have I missed that safe life. Not once. I got to live because of you, Toby. Because you taught me that we have to throw ourselves in, right? All in.'"All in," Toby sniffed before turning to the neurosurgeons, "We're ready.""Okay," Amelia softly answered, "We'll get you ready."Both doctors smiled as they walked out of the room thinking of their own roles as parents. This wasn't just a patient. This was a mother. A mother who loved their child so much. Who learned from their child and was inspired to be a greater human being because of it.Amelia turned to her brother as they walked the hall, "I aim to be a parent like that.""Me too," Derek answered."Guys, we're heading out soon," Meredith called out, "Hustle please!"A grumpy Ellis trudged down the hall with her backpack in hand, "I don't want to go to school."Meredith suppressed a chuckle, "I told you not to go to bed too late, Ellie Belle.""I didn't go to bed late!" Ellis argued with a pout. She furrowed her brows as she crashed onto the couch, "Mom, did you sign my homework?"Meredith closed the fridge behind her and looked to her youngest, "I did. I put it on the table so put it in your folder before you leave it here."Her hand went up in the air as if she were trying to summon it towards her."Oh no little Miss Ellis," Meredith chided, "I'm not getting it. Go before you leave it here and I get a call asking me to drop it off."The little blonde girl groaned before she lifted herself off the couch and ran off to the table, "Got it!""Thank you," Meredith smiled as she watched her daughter make her way towards her.Years ago, Meredith would've laughed at the idea of a life like this. Of a husband at home with three beautiful children. Now, her life was completely full and she couldn't see it any other way. Her career was important. It made her happy and fulfilled but she'd give it all up for the kids she was raising. Their smiled brightened her days. They laughed filled her life with so much joy. And life without them was dull and lifeless."Mom-" Ellis called out."Mom!" Bailey ran down the hall with an alarmed look plastered on his face, "You need to come quick! Something's wrong with Zola!"Meredith looked up from the lunchbox, "What do you mean something's wrong?""She's sitting on the floor crying, I think she's having a panic attack, again," Bailey quickly explained.Meredith ran to her daughter's bedroom. Sure enough she sat frozen on her bed, her arms around her legs as she wrapped them closer to her chest.Meredith's heart ached at the sight, "Zozo, look at me, breathe."Bailey stood at the door and watched as his mom tried to soothe his sister. Ellis ran and stood next to her brother. If their mother had noticed their presence, they weren't aware."Zozo, deep breathes," Meredith guided her as they took deep breathes together. Her hands cupped each one of her cheeks. A move Zola's father often did when he witnessed this. It worked with Meredith just as much."What happened?" Meredith asked as she moved to sit on the edge of the bed next to her daughter. She looked up and saw her two other children shuffle out. She didn't want them to see this. But she also knew they were worried."I just-I had a nightmare that Dad-""Dad dying nightmare?" Meredith sighed. She knew the nightmare well enough."And you," Zola whispered, "I've never dreamt that before. I never dreamt being alone and I got so scared."Meredith rubbed her hands up and down her daughter's arms. She felt helpless, frozen, and week.Numb.She felt numb."It's okay, Zozo," the mother whispered, "I'm right here. You're not alone."Maggie looked up as she recognized the voices down the hall, "Hey, what are you doing here? Isn't it a school day or did I come in on a weekend again?"Meredith shook her head, "Zo, why don't you get started on your homework in my office, please?""Mom, I don't want to do-"Meredith reached for the tresses on her hair, "The deal was you keep up with your school work if you're missing class.""What about Dad?""He's busy with your Aunt Amy," Meredith sighed, "Please, go to the office."Zola nodded and moved to embrace her aunt before walking down the hall. Maggie turned to watch her. Something about these attacks seemed familiar. Something about Zola resonated with her. Then again, her niece had gone through so much pain and trauma in her short life."She had another one?""Derek and I woke up this morning- early- and had dirty, dirty sex," Meredith gulped, "My daughter woke up to a panic attack because she dreamt her parents had died.""That's such an odd and disturbing sentence," Maggie whispered."We're doing therapy, and she likes her therapist," Meredith assured, "She is doing well in school- well her grades have slipped a bit but-"Meredith bit her lip. She left out the part where her teachers said Zola could be gifted. For a moment, she contemplated it."I just- I don't know what to do," Meredith shrugged as her voice wavered, "I feel so lost and I am scared."Maggie contemplated the situation, "Let me hang out with her today. I think she needs to know she has a lot of people in her corner. It may help.""I thought you'd be shoe in for the surgery," Yasuda turned to Lucas, "I didn't think Griffith would shuffle it right under-""She didn't," Lucas cut her off, "She won it fair and square. She's good.""Of course you'd say that," Mika snorted, "You know, you're not exactly what anyone here imagined.""I'm not?""Nope," she sighed, "You screwed up on day one. We thought you'd wash out. Then you made it seem like you were sleeping with Dr. Shepherd-ess and then it turns out she's your aunt. Not to mention the Director of the Residency program is your uncle-""Shut up-""And by proxy that makes the chief your aunt," Yasuda lit up, "Wait, is that how you got in? Why the hell is everyone related here?""No!" Luke exclaimed, "That is not how I got in.""Okay," Yasuda snorted again, "I guess you're more Adams than Shepherd then, huh? Surgery didn't-""Dr. Yasuda?" the chief's voice cut in, "You're needed in the ER.""I didn't get a page-" the young intern checked her phone before looking back up at the chief. She stared her down until she got the point that she was being kicked out.Yasuda blinked and quietly stood up. Wordlessly, she left the room."You didn't need to do that," Lucas turned back to the OR, "I can handle my own mess.""I didn't do it for you," Meredith shook her head, "You know those two put up a fight when they saw your application- your own mother put up a fight. I didn't let you in here because you're related to them. You know the truth, so should they."Lucas said nothing."I can't have them saying that I'm playing favorites, either," Meredith turned back to the OR, "How long have they been in there?""Um, they're about to finish," he responded as he leaned forward.The quiet sounds of monitors echoed through the room. Both neurosurgeons concentrated on their work. Amelia decked in her typical purple crub cap with fireworks. Derek in his navy blue checkered cap. His favorite one had been temporarily commandeered by another excellent surgeon. Now it was tucked away safely with the others, waiting for another major surgery be decked out in."Okay let's pull the injector out," Derek muttered, "Dr. Shepherd, we're clear?""Yes," Amelia muttered, "Stem cells are in."Meredith watched as the two worked in tandem. They were brilliant together. They had developed a shorthand that was nearly impossible to match."I'm not like them," Lucas whispered, "I'm not…up to the standards all the Shepherds have. It's why I didn't want anyone to know I was related to them.""Is that self-doubt I hear, Dr. Adams?" Meredith turned to him, "That's not what I read in your application."Lucas turned back to the surgeons below."I didn't hire you because you're their nephew. Yes, you remind me a little of both but that's not why I hired you," Meredith continued as she watched, "I hired you for your fight. And if you can fight that luggage you're carrying, you can make your own damn name here"Meredith turned to him, "I know what having a name with that much weight feels like, remember?"It was living in shadows. Like you couldn't find yourself amongst giants that were well known by everyone.Lucas pressed his lips together, "Thanks."Lucas looked up from the surgery. The woman before him had been on his side since he had been there. She gave him a chance to prove himself and treated him like every intern. But even then, she stood up for him when he needed it."Hey," Lucas tilted his head, "You okay?""No," Meredith sighed, "I'm not."She stood and left the room as the interns applauded. The procedure was finished. Now they waited."You think it'll work?" Amelia asked as the stepped out of the surgery wing. They wore their caps and surgical robes as the strided through the halls of the hospital. Anxiousness and worry were masked with confidence."I'm cautiously optimistic," Derek sighed, "But I hope it does. You're gonna have to bring in Link when we run tests in a few weeks.""I'll never hear the end of it. I should thank him for giving me the tip on this research though," Amelia chuckled, "Hey that favor you asked? Someone decided to pay me a surprise visit and they're currently roaming around the hospital, I'm sure they would-""I can't ask them before I talk to Meredith about it," Derek shook his head as he reached for a tablet."I thought you already did-?""We tried," he muttered, "And got no where. We keep going back and forth and when it comes to the kids we have to be on the same page."Amelia nodded, "Okay, well when you're ready- if you're ready, they're upstairs.""Thanks," Derek made his way to the elevator and watched as the doors closed. He leaned against the railing as he let out a long breathe.It wasn't that Meredith was not willing to admit Zola had a gift. She was smart, they were sure of it. They were painfully aware of it. But Meredith also knew that her daughter had gone through enough of her own trauma in her small amount of years.As the doors opened he was greeted by a familiar face. And unexpected but welcome face. Zola perked up at the sight of her father."Hey!" Derek smiled. His smile dropped as he realized the time and date, "You're supposed to be in school, what are you doing here?"He looked up at his sister-in-law who raised a brow, "Someone wanted to catch her father in a surgery today but apparently we're too late.""Mom had me working on my history assignments in her office but they're boring," Zola rolled her eyes, "Can I please go look at the lab stuff again?""Okay, but you still haven't told me why you're here and not at the hospital. Did you-?""Dad, please?" Zola looked up at him with her pleading brown wide eyes. Derek was easy and folded at her beck and call just like he did with his mother and his youngest daughter.But he wasn't completely swayed as he could tell something was wrong he passed the tablet to his daughter, "Do me a favor? Take this to my office and wait for me there? I got something cool to show you.""Yes!" Zola smiled as she walked the opposite way."She had a panic attack," Maggie whispered, "Mer brought her in. She was worried about her and I offered to hand out with her.""Thanks," Derek nodded, "Did she-? Did Meredith say anything to you?""About Zo?" Maggie furrowed her brows, "She's worried. I'm sure you are too. You're doing everything you can, therapy, talking to her teachers. I know you'll figure it out."A pager went off on her phone. Maggie looked down and sighed deeply, "I gotta go. Let me know if you need anything or if you just need to talk."She cared. Deeply. Maggie had been a constant in their children's lives. She offered to babysit, take them to outings, and was always up for family dinners. She had insisted on never missing out on any part of their lives since she missed out on her own sister. Not that she resented her own life, but she had grown attached to the extended family she had in Seattle. She was such an integral part that when they revised their will, there was no hesitation in adding her name on to the children's guardianship.Derek nodded, "Thanks.""Dr. Bartley," Derek greeted as he opened the doors as he let his daughter in."Dr. Shepherd- and mini Dr. Grey Shepherd," Kai greeted back, "How are you? I heard you had a big surgery this morning, Amelia wouldn't shut up about it."Zola waved with a giggle as she walked towards the same monitor she had already worked on the last time she had sat in with her father."She never shuts up," Derek rolled his eyes, "What are you working on? Anything new on the Parkinson's trial?""Data analysis for the latest trial," Kai responded as they turned their laptop towards him, "which reminds me, David sends his regards."Derek leaned over the table and analyzed the data. He honestly enjoyed the science behind this project. He would've been thrilled to watch the project till the very end but the baggage that came with Minnesota was dreadful and made him vomit when he thought about it. Curing Parkinson's would've been amazing. Working with his wife on the project was incredible. And getting closer to a potential breakthrough in curing Alzheimer's was a dream."No he doesn't," Derek scoffed, "He wants to kill me because he thinks I held my wife back.""Can you blame him?," Kai chuckled, "She's been hard to replace. He's always muttering under his breathe that-""I did not hold her back," Derek countered fully aware Kai was teasing him, "She made her choice. I was just the supportive husband."Kai laughed before leaning closer to him."I was told you'd need me on a secret project?" Kai whispered as they nudged towards Zola, "With uh your kid. Is there something I should-?"Zola was oblivious. Mostly. Her attention was on the simulator but Derek was fully aware that Zola was onto everything and everyone.He lowered his voice, "You know those neuro-cognitive tests and puzzles that are given to identify gifted kids? Neuro-cognitive ability tests? You can run them right?""Yeah?"Derek turned to his daughter and back at Kai, "I need a favor.""Oh she's gonna kill you," Amelia watched amazed as Zola completed puzzle after puzzle."I know.""Meredith is going to murder you.""I'm aware," Derek gritted, "but look at her. She's breezing past them.""It's like I"m watching the U.S. Open," Amelia muttered.Zola continued to put puzzles together. Her face was covered with determination and complete dedication to her task. Kai watched carefully as they took notes. They provided instructions and occassionaly looked up to steal glances at Amelia. Other times, they'd note the concerned look on Derek's features.They took notice how there was one doctor in the family missing. Dr. Grey. They figured that Meredith must've left the task to her husband so no questions were asked. But when they took notice Amelia walked in the room, they slightly questioned it. And now Maggie was striding in. Something didn't feel right.The doors behind the siblings opened, "Hey, you paged?"Maggie stood between the siblings with her hands deep in her coat pockets. She stared at the scene in front of her as she processed the scene in front of her, "Oh my god, is she-""Yeah," Derek nodded once."And you-?""He did," Amelia answered in a sing song voice.Maggie was flabbergasted, "Does Meredith know?"Derek remained silent. Nothing came out. He couldn't even look at her.This was wrong and he was very well aware of it. His children- their children- were always the highest priority but no matter what, all decisions regarding the kids were made together. He never made them alone and neither did she. It was a mutual unspoken incredibly obvious agreement that was made long ago- except in major emergencies when one or the other couldn't make a decision for higher reasons. Even so, they were usually on the same page.Public school- but a good one. A really good one.Sports, art, dance, music, they could do whatever they wanted as long as they loved it.No football. Soccer yes, football no. They'd both seen and read too many cases with head injuries.They were on the same page, made equal decisions, talked it out and found middle ground in all things related to the kids.They were a team.Except this time, Derek flew solo and overstepped. Big time.Maggie turned to Amelia with a questioning look."Nope," Amelia smirked, "The mother of his children, the other person with fifty percent custody, does not know. Hey, what are you gonna do when she finds out?""Why are you making it sound like we're divorced?" Derek glared."These tests are the same ones I took when I was a kid," Maggie turned to Derek, "Why doesn't my sister know?"Derek sighed, "Because she said no.""So you're doing it anyway?" Maggie almost yelled before both Shepherds shushed her, "Derek, what the hell is wrong with you?""The counselor mentioned we should look into it," Derek quietly explained, "Look I know I'm gonna get in trouble with her over this- I am breaking all kinds of parent rules here but I'm desperate."Maggie turned to Amelia who shrugged, "I'm not getting in the middle of them. I am here as a supportive aunt. But you are the genius here. What do you think?"Amelia loved her nieces and nephews just as much. She stepped up when her brother couldn't, and she was attached to them just as much as Maggie. Ellis and Scout had an unbreakable bond with the latter often "taking care of him".She and Maggie were more than just supportive aunts.Maggie turned to her niece. A flashback crossed her mind as she thought of all those tests she had to endure. The panic attacks. The lack of connection.It made sense."Zola is bright. Brilliant. She's so much wiser than any other kid her age," Maggie conceded, "She's a lot like I was at her age."Derek watched his sister-in-law as she spoke, "What are thinking, Mags?""You're gonna have to bring in Mer.""What's going on? Did she have another panic attack?" Meredith rushed down the hall as she met Maggie, Kai and Derek at the door of the simulation lab.Derek crossed his arms as he pushed himself off the wall, "She's fine, she's-"After a peak in the room, Meredith could see Zola completing puzzles with her Aunt Amelia, "What is she doing in there? Why is she-?"Maggie reached for her sister, "She uh, completed some puzzles that are used for neurological evaluations.""Derek-" a warning voice began.Kai intervened as Derek kept his sight on his shoes like a guilty child, "Meredith, she's aced every single one at a level far higher than any other adult I've seen-""I'm aware my kid is smart," Meredith gritted through her teeth, "My question is why my kid is being evaluated without my knowledge or consent?"Maggie crossed her arms. Kai looked down as they shuffled their weight. Meredith's glare turned to Derek who slowly looked up to answer, "I gave consent."The anger in her eyes was obvious but she was cut off before she could even respond, "Without telling me?""Meredith," Maggie explained, "Based on Kai's time with her, Zola is extremely gifted. Which could partially contribute to her panic attacks."Derek's kept his eyes on his wife as he searched for any clues or changes in reactions."When giftedness is undiagnosed, it can contribute to behavioral changes," Kai explained, "Anxiety, a feeling of being untethered, a feeling that you don't belong-""Because you don't," Maggie added, "Her brain does not function like other kids her age, she needs to be around peers who can relate to her and the way she thinks."Meredith's eyes fixed back to Derek, "I'm gonna go see my kid."She opened the door and walked in there. Derek watched as her facial features softened at the sight of her daughter.He was screwed. Very screwed.Meredith had gone home with Zola and only left a message with one of the nurses. She'd be going home and meet the kids at the house.Nothing else. No text or call.Derek sighed as he unlocked the front door of their home. The home he built to grow a long life together.The house had been dark and his assumption was that everyone was asleep or at the very least in bed.Maybe they wouldn't fight about it tonight.Except Meredith walked out of the hallway with a very irritated look on her features, "Deck. Now.""I know you're pissed-""She's still up," Meredith hissed as she pointed at the hallway then at him, "I am not arguing with you here."She made her way towards the place they often had their conversations. Their discussions, and sometimes, their fights.Derek closed the door behind him and let out a sigh."What the hell were you thinking?" Meredith's voice was low when they were inside. Now, that was very much out of the window.Derek placed both his hands on his waist as he watched her pace around, "I was thinking that I needed answers-""Oh, you needed answers! And you couldn't bother to tell me that you were going to have our child neurologically tested?" Meredith snapped.Derek rubbed his face, "No because when I bring it up you put your walls up and say you don't want to pressure her! How are we supposed to help our daughter if we don't have all the answers we need!"Meredith shook her head as her hand gripped the back of the chair she was leaning on,"That's not the issue! That's not why I'm pissed! The issue is you went behind my back and had our daughter assessed without my consent! Not to mention telling the sisters first! You did something without talking to me- your wife- about it!""We did talk about it!" Derek exclaimed, "We talked! You just didn't agree-""So that gives you the right to just make decisions without telling me!""You're not the only one that's scared here. I'm just as scared and I'm in the dark just as much as you are!"Meredith rubbed her temple annoyed and aggravated at the dilemma. He went behind her back. He didn't tell her. He made a decision regarding their kids without telling her.He lowered his voice an octave, "If there's a chance I can get an answer-""Derek-""I'm sure as hell going to get it and you should be on the same page as me!""Will you please shut up, for just a second," she raised a brow, "You went behind my back. You did this without telling me."Derek sighed. All along he knew he was in the wrong. Even if he was desperate. Even if he needed answers. Even if he knew she deserved the courtesy and an equal say, what he did was wrong."I'm sorry I went behind your back," he calmly stated, "But I'm not sorry I had her tested. I'd do it again if I had to. I was not going to just sit-"Meredith scoffed as she crossed her arms defensively across her chest, "You think I'm just sitting there? That's what you think?"Shit. Derek blinked, "That's not what I said- it's not what I was gonna say at all!"He really wasn't. But this was a recurring theme with Meredith. The insecurity and feeling that whatever she was doing with her kids wasn't enough. And he'd be lying if he didn't say he never contributed to that."You know what," Meredith made her way inside, "You can sit there while I go try to figure out what to do about my daughter. That's how we do things now, isn't it?""Meredith-" the door slammed behind her before he could even get another syllable out.Parenthood. Nothing ever prepared anyone for it.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Zola was gifted.Gifted.She had also previously been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and had been officially diagnosed with giftedness.She had always been inquisitive and knew a little too much for her own good. She was highly empathetic and managed to insert herself in grown up affairs.Well that explained a lot.Too bad he'd been effectively kicked out of the warmth of his bed for the night. He knew he deserved it, he was very well aware of it. Still, he did not regret it.What a turn of events. This must have been what Meredith had felt every time she had meddled or intervened. Sorry for the consequence not the actual action. The action had a greater good, right?The silence enveloped the living room until a blanket slammed across his face."Ow!""You forgot your stupid ugly blanket," Meredith gritted as she moved around the couch.She was already in her pajamas, covered in a purple blanket, shielding herself from the cold. The annoyed features of her face told him she was still angry and unwilling to let him back in. As she turned away, Derek couldn't help but call out her name."Meredith-""No, I'm still mad at you!""Oh c'mon, Mer," he sighed as he reached for her hand, "At least let me explain-"Meredith rolled her eyes and pulled away, "No, I need you to tell me the truth. We're a team when it comes to the Little Grey-Shepherds, remember? That's the whole point of us raising kids together!"There was disappointment in her eyes. He'd let her down and disappointed her. And he hated seeing that. He hated feeling like he was never enough. No matter what he did, it'd never be enough.This time, however, he did drop the ball."You are supposed to be telling me this type of stuff. I trust you to do that. And you didn't, Derek," she argued as her voice slightly wavered, "I'm already in the dark with Zola and you going behind my back made me feel like I was there all on my own!"Meredith locked eyes with him as she continued, "If I'm in the dark, you should be in there with me or pulling me out, not leaving me behind!"Left behind. That's how she felt. Like he was the only one capable of doing the right thing and she was just going along with it. It wasn't fair to her. She should have been able to be a part of the decision and not just let the people she trusted most make the choice without her.And she didn't deserve anyone telling her she was just sitting waiting for a miracle."I'm sorry," Derek's gaze softened, "I wasn't gonna say you were just sitting there, I swear. I was the one just sitting there. I should've been talking to you and telling you why Zo needed those tests when you were ready. Not just when I was."Meredith stared at him, surprised at him taking ownership of his actions, "Yes, you should have."He nodded, "And I shouldn't have gone behind your back. I overstepped. I should have come to you, I'm sorry."Meredith searched his eyes. She saw the sincerity in his eyes and could see the remorse. He was genuinely only trying to do the right thing- even if he did them the wrong way. That sounded like something she'd do."Thank you," Meredith walked around the end of the couch and laid next to him. He wrapped his arms around her as her own wrapped around his torso."I couldn't sleep. I don't like sleeping alone, you know that," she muttered, "I have abandonment issues, remember?""I thought we worked that out in therapy," he retorted as he earned another chuck on his torso, "Ow! Will you stop?""No!" Meredith scoffed as she wrapped him tighter, "What are we watching?"Derek sighed, "Nothing, I was letting the time pass before I snuck back in.""Mm," Meredith hummed as she tightened her hold on him, "You go behind my back and still expect me to let you back into bed? That's bold.""You have abandonment issues," he countered, "It's my job to protect you.""I don't need that," she rolled her eyes as she pushed herself up to stare at him, "I just need the truth.""I know," Derek whispered, "I know you do."Meredith stared at him for a moment and fiddled with the fabric from his shirt with her fingers. She could feel her insides twist and turn."I was scared," Meredith confessed, "I don't want her to feel that her being gifted means that there are these high expectations on her. It's already enough that she's lost her birth mother, her birth country, she's had to see us almost die, it's a lot of trauma for our kid."Derek's gaze fell to the picture on the table. A picture of the children stared back at him. Zola, Bailey and Ellis. Three forces to be reckoned with. One of them had an internal struggle he felt helpless with.In the photograph, the three were in bathing suits splashing in the water with their mother taken about a year ago. He loved their time at the beach. It was a well deserved trip they had taken after both parents flew back and forth from Seattle to Minnesota.No panic attacks.No marital fights.It was perfect."I know," Derek agreed, "Her panic attacks aren't just because she's gifted, I know that. But it's a step forward. It's an answer to the many questions we've had over the last month.""Zola aced every one of Kai's tests?" she asked with a whisper.Derek pressed his lips together, "Every single one.""So what does that mean?""It means that we find the right tools to help her. And that we do everything we can to help her," he answered, "If we do nothing-.""We'd be holding her back and the anxiety may worsen," Meredith finished for him, "It could sprout more behavioral issues and she'd resent us.""I don't know about that last part," Derek rubbed his forehead, "I do know that she deserves us to find a way to help.""What did you tell her?" Meredith raised a brow. She knew her daughter would want to know why she was completing these tests.Derek chuckled slightly, "Kai told her it was part of the parkinson's research. Something about comparing the development of brains-""You lying liars, the both of you," Meredith shook her head before she tucked back into her chest, "Can we talk about this tomorrow? I just, I'm tired and-""C'mere," he pulled her to his chest and rubbed her back up and down, "We're gonna figure it out. It's you and me, remember? I'm not gonna leave you out in the dark."The sounds of the television soothed them. Neither knew what the heck was playing but as soon as the commercials played, Derek moved to change the channel."Don't change it," she stopped him."We don't even know what's playing," he scoffed."It doesn't matter, we'll figure it out when they're over," she mumbled against his chest.He let out an amused chuckle. He knew she hated when the channel was changed during the commercials but he was hoping this time would be an exception, "Okay."Derek Shepherd knew Meredith Grey perfectly well. He only hoped he knew his children just as much."Should we wake them?"Zola shushed her younger sister, "No let's let them sleep.""Why are they asleep on the couch?" Bailey asked. His hair was tousled in a morning mess. All three Little Grey Shepherds were still in pajamas confused at the scene in front of them."I don't know," Zola answered, "But we should let them sleep.""Who's gonna make us breakfast?" Ellis insisted."Ellis, we can get cereal," Zola rolled her eyes."It's Saturday," Bailey shook his head, "Dad makes pancakes on Saturdays!""Bailey we can make it one Saturday without Dad's pancakes," Zola insisted, "They probably had a long day yesterday-""You're not doing a very good job at whispering, you know that?" A mumble from their mother cut through their voice."What time is it?" Their dad's tired voice called out."Why aren't you in your pajamas, Dad?" Zola asked as she stepped closer to the parents, "Why do you have your brown blanket? Mom hates that blanket-""We fell asleep watching a movie, Zo," Derek unwrapped his arm from his wife, "I'm up, I'm up. Pancakes are coming-"Meredith chuckled as she watched him get up and make his way to the kitchen. For a moment, she had forgotten the real reason they were on the couch. For a moment, everything was perfect.Just perfect.The front door opened suddenly as Lucas stepped in. He took in the scene in front of him and furrowed his brows, "What happened here? Weren't you wearing that yesterday? Oh, did your wife-""We fell asleep watching a movie," Derek glared at him."Okay, well," Meredith wrapped her blanket around as she stood from her spot, "I'm gonna shower. I want chocolate chip pancakes please."The kids giggled as Derek furrowed his brow, "You're supposed to help-""Oh no," Meredith walked away, "You get to make them all by yourself today!"Derek turned to the young man with his backpack slung over his arm."Don't look at me," Lucas shrugged, "I just got off a thirty-six hour shift."The horn of the ferry boat blew loud and clear. Meredith walked across the deck until she reached her daughter and sat next to her."Hey," Meredith smiled, "How are you feeling?"Zola smiled as she stuffed her hands into her hoodie, "Mom, I've been good all morning, I promise.""I know, bug. I'm just checking in," Meredith chuckled lightly, "It's nice and chilly isn't it?""Dad said it was a perfect day," Zola smiled up at her mom before her smile faded, "You and dad fought about me last night, didn't you? It's why dad-""Your dad and I do not fight because of you, Zo," Meredith sighed. The guilt of her daughter knowing her well enough, "And we didn't fight.""Why did he have me take all those tests?" Zola furrowed her brows, "It wasn't a part of the trial Kai was working on, was it?"Meredith raised a brow at her daughter. She had always been observant of everyone. She was so incredibly quick on catching on when something wasn't right. Nothing ever got away from her."You catch on to us pretty quick, don't you?"Zola giggled, "You and Dad are pretty easy to read."Meredith laughed at her daughter's inquisitive nature. They remained in silence for a while before she spoke up again, "Your dad and I sat in his car on that dock for hours when we first started dating."Zola looked at the place her mother pointed out. She'd heard the story once or twice. The story about the guy and the girl in the bar. How they met and didn't realize they worked together. She didn't know the details of it- her parents didn't tell her everything, she was sure of that- but she was always up at attention when small details like the one her mother had pointed out came up."Did you know you loved him then?"Meredith took in a deep breath and slowly released it, "A little. I mean I knew that he was…I didn't know I could love someone the way I love your dad. I think I was a little scared."Zola pondered the answer for a moment, "I thought you never got scared?""Oh honey, I get easily spooked," Meredith chuckled, "But you don't have to worry about that. That's my job.""You didn't tell me why dad and Kai had me take all those tests,""Okay, well, here's the truth," Meredith pushed a strand of hair back, "You know how your Aunt Maggie is super smart? So smart she skipped grades?""Yeah?""Turns out, you're just like that. In your own way," Meredith explained, "You have a gift. A mind that your dad and I have to nurture. And that means we have to find a way to do it."Zola stayed quiet for a moment."Is that why I'm having panic attacks?""It could be one reason," Meredith shrugged, "So we're gonna go ahead and find a way to help you. It may mean a new school, Zo. Are you up for that?"Meredith watched as her daughter's mind processed her words a small blonde flashed before them, "Dad says we're almost docking."She wrapped her arms around her mother possessively, as if reminding her she was there too."Does that mean our boat ride is over?" Meredith asked jokingly, "Time to go back to reality?""No," Ellis sighed as she let her mom wrap her arms around her, "I don't want to go home yet."Zola giggled, "Me either."Meredith nodded as her arms tightly wrapped around her youngest. She pushed the wild blonde curls back as she watched her green eyes twinkle, "I'm sure if you tell dad, he'll say we can go on another ride."The trio laughed. Meredith gazed upon her young girls. Both so young. So innocent. Pure. Loud. Brave. Strong.Absolutely incredible.At that moment she promised herself that no matter what, those girls would always feel protected. They'd always feel loved by both parents. And whatever the future held for them, she was sure it would be extraordinary.They would never feel the pain she once felt as a child. Never.Elsewhere, three others stood by the railing."You used to take me on these boat rides all the time," Lucas chuckled, "Is this what you do with your kids now?""Every weekend," Derek smiled as they walked side by side with Bailey ahead of them, "It's nice to have you join us for once. I've been trying to get you-""Bailey asked me to come," Lucas looked at the young boy walking ahead of them.Derek nodded, "Yeah, he likes having you around. He's been surrounded by his sisters his whole life that for once he feels like he has a brother."Lucas chuckled as he turned to search for the blonde boy, "He reminds me of when I was a kid."They walked down the stairs in tandem, "Hey, Shep, about the surgery yesterday-""Stop calling me that," Lucas sighed, "No one's called me that in years-""I call you Shep. I gave your mom the idea for the name," Derek stopped and turned to his nephew, "Look Amy and I haven't been easy on you, I know that-""Stop, you did what you had to do," Lucas stuffed his hands into his jacket, "We made a deal, no playing favorites.""Trust me, I'm not,"Derek took notice how his nephew flinched at the mention he wasn't playing favorites, "I know it hasn't been easy since she made you tell everyone the truth either.""Yeah, well it was either tell the truth or let everyone think I was sleeping with my aunt," Luke grimaced.
The doors of the lab burst open, "Dr. Shepherd."
Derek nodded at his sister, "Amy-Dr. Shepherd, what do you need?"
The rest of the class started in bewilderment as Lucas Adams stood awkwardly at the front. This was it. Amelia was sick of it. She had given him a deadline and he failed to meet it.
"Dr. Adams would like to-"
Derek's eyes widened as he saw the panic in his nephew's eyes, "I-I don't think this is the time to-"
"Now, Dr. Shepherd, now is the time," Amelia clenched her teeth, "Dr. Adams?""Some of you have gotten the wrong idea about me. So I need to clear things up," he began monotonously, "Truth is, Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Shepherd are- uh- he's, she's, my mom is their sister so she's my aunt. He's my uncle. I'm a Shepherd.""Which, to be clear," Amelia crossed her arms with a smirk, "we are not now and have never been having sex."
The interns starred, surprised at the admission and speechless at the scene.
"With each other," Amelia finished as she nodded to her brother. Who burst into a cackle."This is disturbing," Dr. Kwan muttered under his breath."Oh, no," Derek continued to laugh, "Did they think that you two were-?"
The interns stared at their teacher as his burst of laughter filled the room. Lucas stood awkwardly as his head slowly turned to him.
"It's not funny," Lucas muttered as he glared at the man."No, no, it's hilarious! And you let them believe that?" Derek laughed, "Thanks for clearing the air there, the both of you really!"
Derek continued laughing as he made his way to the door.
The doors closed behind him as his laugh continued to be heard in the lab.
"Thank you, Dr. Adams," Amelia pressed her lips together and walked out of the room."It's not my fault Kwan saw you two walk out of the on-call room and you never said anything," Derek chuckled as they walked down the stairs.Lucas sighed heavily, "You know my mom and dad have always told me I'm the disappointment or that I'm not good enough-""You're mother's not easy, Shep, she's-""Yeah, I know," Lucas rolled his eyes, "My point is, I just wanted to not be a Shepherd. For once. I wanted to prove that the name wasn't the only thing opening doors for me.""Okay," Derek resigned"So if I don't earn something," Lucas reiterated, "Besides Griffith she's- she's good.""She is," Derek furrowed his brow, "What's going on between you and-?""Luke, I'll race you to the car!" Bailey called out from a few feet."You're on kid," Lucas chuckled as he avoided the question and ran after his young cousin.Derek watched the both of them run off. Lucas playfully ran ahead and slowed down giving the younger one a chance.Once upon a time, life was simple. He was an uncle who babysat. The fun uncle who was highly treasured by his favorite nephew- although he would never admit it.Then his heart was torn and he was betrayed by two of the closest people in his life. So he ran. Ran as far as he could. And left the boy behind. Without an explanation.His life was put together by the love of his life and fulfilled by three little lights. And the young boy who once looked up to him showed up at his workplace suddenly.He tried to push past the once feeling of failure. But it was staring right at him. Surrounding him no matter what."How long are you gonna be mad at us?" Maggie walked into her sister's office with Amelia in tow."Better not be long," Amelia sighed as she sat comfortably on the chair in front of the chief, "She already let my brother off the hook- who by the way- was the one who got us into this mess.""He's not totally off the hook," Meredith chuckled as she put down her pen, "You two took McDreamy's side behind my back. That's betrayal at its finest."Meredith smirked as she watched her sisters groan. She knew they meant well. At least they tried."What are you gonna do about Zola?" Amy asked."We don't know," Meredith sighed, "Derek and I are supposed to have a meeting with the principal soon.""Did you talk to her therapist yet?" Maggie asked.Meredith shook her head, "Not yet but we will."Maggie watched as her sister was lost in her own thoughts, "I can't believe I missed it.""Missed what?" Meredith asked."I was Zola," Maggie explained, "They used to make me do all those puzzles, hover over me with a stopwatch, take notes on a clipboard. I mean, I spent years of my childhood thinking something was wrong with me, I would sob-""And now you're reliving it with Zola?" Amelia asked.Meredith's eyes flicked between each sister."No," she shook her head, "I'm not reliving it. I completely missed it."Meredith sighed, "If it helps, I missed it. And her father- who is a neurosurgeon- missed it too."Amelia chuckled before turning back to Maggie, "What helped?""A kind child psychiatrist- which Zola has," Maggie pointed to Meredith who nodded in confirmation, "And she's got you."Meredith smiled. She thought about her daughter for a moment and asked, "Do you wish you had been surrounded by kids who understood?""Honestly?" Maggie nodded, "Yeah, I think it would've been easier.""Alright let's go ahead and close," Derek muttered under his mask as he passed his instrument to the scrub nurse."That was a lot," Lucas blinked, "You really had to take that much off the skull?"Derek looked up briefly, "We needed the exposure. The damage was too much for us to do a normal craniotomy.""Do we know if she'll have any deficits?" Lucas asked as he watched."Not likely until he wakes up," Derek explained again, "We did cut into his frontal lobe which means-""Her memory could be affected," Lucas finished for him."Right," Derek muttered proudly, "Nice job."They quietly finished, hoping that their efforts were not for nothing. They scrubbed out in silence until Derek reached for the towel. He turned to the young intern next to him who continued to scrub out.He looked tired. Worn. But Derek could see the rush of excitement and adrenaline in his face. Like when you give someone a present on a bright Christmas morning."You did good in there," Derek motioned to the O.R., "You should be proud. You had that face you'd make when someone gave you your favorite piece of candy.""Mom would always try to take it so you would hide it under my pillow when you visited," Lucas smiled, "But yeah, I uh, I practiced a lot and studied even more. I didn't want to screw up."Derek laughed genuinely. He had been watching him since arriving and had noticed the work he had put in. And he also saw how he was a little slower than the rest of his class. But Lucas' heart was always in the right place.The scrub room door opened. A wide-eyed, angry Meredith stood with her purple scrub cap on."Hey, are you finished?" she asked. He could sense the urgency in her voice. It was Monday, she wasn't supposed to be in the O.R. today.Derek nodded, "We just did, what's up? You okay?""I just got a call from the kids' school," Meredith shook her head."What happened? Did she have another-""No, Zola's fine," Meredith muttered angrily, "But Bailey is suspended.""Suspended?," Lucas scoffed, "What'd he do? Race a teacher down the hall?"Derek turned and glared at him with a clenched jaw, as if telling him to shut up."No," Meredith gritted, "He punched another kid."Both men furrowed their brows nearly identically, "What?""And nearly knocked him out," Meredith once again gritted, "They want us both in the office as soon as possible."Between the two, Meredith had always been the stricter parent. Not really strict per se, but she set boundaries. And rules. But she was also understanding. And loved her children so much. Derek on the other hand, had been the most doting. Maybe a little too lenient. Especially with his girls. He was wrapped around their fingers very tightly. And he was very well aware of it.Bailey had the fortune- or misfortune, depending on how you saw it- of being the only boy. He developed the same interests as his father and looked up to him no matter what. His father was his hero. His influence. His best friend and the person he looked up to most.But today, both parents were equally confused and frustrated at the situation at hand."You punched a kid-""I told you why I did-""Tell us again, because you keep saying you were defending Zola, but you won't tell us why-" Derek looked at him through the rearview mirror with an icy glare."I- he was just mean! Okay!""I heard you," Meredith turned around from the passenger seat to look at her son. "What I don't understand is why you had to resort to violence-""Because she's my sister!" Bailey desperately explained, "Dad always taught me that! He told me I always had to watch out for my sisters and I promised I would."Derek hit the brakes as soon as he reached the driveway of their home as he turned over to look him in the eyes, "I never said to punch out another kid, Bailey! That's not what I meant and you know it!"Meredith turned her head towards him, surprised at his outburst. He'd been the gentler parent, always. It's why the kids got everything they wanted from him. This had been the first time he'd genuinely snapped."You are grounded. No video games. No TV. You are only using your computer to complete your school work," Derek pointed, "No hanging out with your friends. You are not going to that movie with Austin and Leon. You are not hanging out with Lucas outside the house no matter how much he insists. And soccer practice is on hold-""You can't pull me out of soccer! They need me! We're about to-""You should have thought about that before you threw your punch!""But Dad, I was watching out for Zo-""Okay, I think we need to-," Meredith tried to calm him down to no avail. She watched him open the door of the car and step out.Derek slammed the door behind him as he walked out of the car and into the house."Mom-""Bailey," Meredith sighed, "What were you thinking? What did he say to make you react-"The boy remained silent. He crossed his arms and sat there, "I don't want to-""That's what you said at the office," Meredith shook her head, "You weren't ready to talk about it but we gotta know, Bails.""Okay, let's get off the car," Meredith unbuckled her belt, "We can talk about this later."Her son followed her lead and as they both stepped off, they followed the footsteps Derek had walked mere moments ago.As they entered the house, Bailey looked towards his dad with determination, "Dad-""Bailey," Derek gritted, "Go to your room-""Can I at least-""Derek Bailey Shepherd, go to your room," he didn't yell. He didn't scream. But the use of his full name was foreign to the young boy. Especially in the deep dark tone he used.Bailey trudged to his room with his head hung low.Meredith watched as the boy made his way down the hallway. She waited until she heard the door fully close to turn to her husband, "What the hell was that?"She'd never seen him as angry as that before. Not towards their kids. And she never expected him to. It was unlike him and it was like someone turned on a switch that was long shut off.He rubbed his face and chin as he looked up at her, "What?'"I get you're pissed, Derek, but you're being too harsh on him.""I know, I know I-" Derek sighed as he sat down. Both his hands covered his face in shame and frustration, "I don't know what to do-""His heart was in the right place," Meredith murmured, "He was defending his sister-""Meredith, I know that," Derek snapped up, "He still threw a punch. At a kid. He threw a punch at a kid, Meredith!""And so have you," Meredith argued, "As a grown ass man! Bailey is a kid. I don't know what happened. You don't know what happened, and the more you push him, the less he'll tell you-""Oh, Meredith-""He has this pent up anger, Derek! And he does not know what to do with it! He gets that from you, remember?" she let her hands fall to her lap as she motioned around her, "For the last few months our attention has been on Zola because she's having panic attacks."Derek paced around the living room as he listened."He's been patient, Derek," Meredith continued, "Because his big sister has always been patient with him. Dad used to go to all the sports games and now he can't because Zo is having an anxiety attack in the car. Mom is in the hospital working and doesn't even understand the damn sport like his dad, so it's not the same!"Soccer practice was replaced with therapy sessions for Zo. He had to sit out on some games on Saturdays because his daughter wasn't feeling well. And although it seemed that she was turning a leaf, it also meant that his focus was slightly more on her than his other two children. Indirectly and not purposely. And he knew his wife felt the same."He is trying his damn best to help his sister and he doesn't know how. You've been there! You know what it's like to be the brother who feels helpless with his sister!"Derek's head snapped up at the mention of his sister. He had once been the helpless brother. The brother who watched his sister go through her own problems in life. Granted, they weren't what his daughter was going through. They were worse.Derek sighed, "Yeah, I know!""He's a kid. He made a mistake. A big one. But he was just trying to watch out for his sister," Meredith sighed as she watched him make his way to the armrest of the couch, "He had good intentions and honestly I'm a little proud he punched the sucker out.""Yeah, the kid had it coming," he suppressed a chuckled before shaking his head, "It still doesn't mean he should go out there punching people-""You're right. He shouldn't," Meredith sighed, "I don't want him expelled or suspended and then end up in jail.""Okay, let's not even entertain that," Derek pinched the bridge of his nose before opening his eyes and looking up at his wife, "He's a good kid. He's a good brother and I am-""Scared," Meredith sighed, "You and I are both scared. But we can't take it out on them.""No I can't," Derek muttered, "What the hell is going on with our kids? Where did we-? Is is-?""I have no idea," Meredith sighed as she walked over to him. He opened his arms towards her, accepting the solace she was providing. He made room for her to lean against him, "I'm the one that's supposed to ask you that."He shook his head as his arms enveloped the woman in his arms. He leaned his chin against her shoulder and released a deep sigh, "How is Ellis the one not making us pull our hair out?""Give her time, you'll be bald by the time she leaves for college," Meredith released a slight chuckle before turning her head, "You need to apologize to him.""He needs his dad," She pressed her lips against his forehead, "And you need your son."—Bailey stared up at the ceiling with his arms crossed. A pout graced his boyish features as he thought about what happened throughout the day."You know your mom says you look just like me when your mad," his dad's voice interrupted his thoughts, "You didn't come down to dinner."Bailey didn't look at him. He didn't see how his father was leaning on the frame of the door with his own arms crossed. His eyes stayed on the ceiling and the pout remained on his face.Derek sighed as he recognized his own identical scowl on his son's face, "Bailey, I crossed the line."Derek walked towards his son and sat on the edge of his bed, "I was mean and I was too hard on you.""You didn't let me tell you what happened," Bailey muttered, "You always let me tell you and you ignored me because you were mad."Derek nodded, "I know. I let my anger get the best of me when I should've given you a chance."Bailey said nothing for a moment. His eyes stayed on the ceiling but his father could see he was dying to tell him the truth."You want to tell me what happened?""No," his son muttered."Okay," Derek nodded. He knew where his son's mind was. Too angry to listen. Too upset to say what he needed to say. Emotions twirling on the inside that they were too hard to put into words."One time," Derek sighed, "I was practicing my batting skills outside in the yard. I think I was about your age-"Bailey listened, but he didn't look at his father as he spoke, "I would throw the ball in the air until my dad got home and would hit it with my bat as hard as I could.""Did you hit a window?" Bailey asked with a mutter."Yeah," Derek chuckled, "I broke my dad's car window and he was angry.""What did he do?" Bailey asked, curiosity in his voice as his features softened."He was angry. Very angry. It was gonna be a fortune to get that window fixed so he wasn't thrilled when he realized I had broken the window," Derek shook his head, "But he didn't yell."Bailey twiddled with his fingers for a while."I hadn't thought about my dad for a while. He died when I was about your age, you know?," Derek continued, "I didn't mean to yell at you the way I did. It was wrong of me and I owe you an apology.""Thanks," Bailey mumbled, "I forgive you."Derek ruffled his son's hair, "You're a good son. A good brother. I just don't want you to think that all your problems can be solved with your fists."Bailey looked down at his hands, "Did you punch someone when you were a kid?""Yes," Derek nodded, "and as an adult. I punched your Uncle Mark when I shouldn't have. It solved nothing."Bailey's eyes stared at his fists. He'd heard of Mark and his father sometimes spoke of him. Not always, and when he did, there was always sadness in his voice."He said Zola wasn't my sister," Bailey muttered, "He was the kid who also had that competition with Zo and he was making fun of her for freezing."Derek stared at his son surprised and listened. This wasn't entirely what he expected."I didn't want Zo to hear," Bailey continued, "She's my sister and it's not her fault this is happening to her."Bailey rubbed his knuckles on his left hand. They were still reddened and still hurt."I'm not saying that what you did was entirely right," Derek clenched his teeth together, "But I'm glad you defended your sister."Bailey glanced at the matching blue eyes staring at him."You should always defend them," Derek nodded as gulped down a lump in his throat. His son was a far better brother than he could ever be. But now, it wasn't just Zola he worried for. Bailey's outburst wouldn't be the last. Derek could sense it.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"I will wait," Meredith sighed as she watched the door open, "What's wrong?""I did something," Link sighed, "And I just found out about it as I entered the hospital-"Meredith furrowed her brows as the door opened again revealing her husband, "Chief, I need to talk to you about the interns."The days past and they suddenly turned to weeks. Nothing stopped, everything just kept going and going and life at the hospital was busier than ever."Link was here first," Meredith raised her brow as she invited him to sit next to the chief. She shifted the phone, "Yes, I'm still here.""Whose on the phone?""UNOS," Meredith rolled her eyes, "Bailey asked me to call for her patient. Heart-liver transplant."Derek nodded and turned to Link, "What are in for?"Link looked between the pair, slightly embarrassed, "I uh- I need to talk to the chief.""Link, what did you do?" Meredith raised her brow."I slept with an intern," Link gulped as Meredith gaped at him, "It was an accident, we were drunk and we didn't even realize-""We are in no position to judge you on that," Derek shook his head with an amused smiled, "But you should stay away from elevators. They tend to push you against walls and make out with you."Meredith rolled her eyes as her husband chuckled at the memory, "Link, go to HR. They have paperwork for that now.""Right," Link stood from his chair awkwardly, "Thanks.""What do you want?" Meredith turned to the second attending in her office."I get we're still rebuilding our residency program after it's collapse last year," Derek explained, "But we are severely understaffed-""Pierce poaching Ndugu is screwing up the intern rotations again, isn't it?" Meredith asked as she paced with the phone in her hand."It's like she doesn't wanna give these kids a chance," Derek sighed, "She says they don't know how to do anything but how the hell are they gonna learn if she doesn't give them a chance?""You make a good point," Meredith nodded, "What about Altman and Hunt? Are they still fighting too?""Yeah," Derek scoffed, "How did we become the sane married couple of this place?""No idea," she chuckled before a voice from the landline called to her, "Yes, still here. Okay great! Thanks!"Derek raised his brow asking her for more."Bam! Bailey's got her transplant," she cheered, "Okay, uh, Maggie! Put Griffith on her service. She's good. I'll talk to Teddy and Owen.""Still doesn't solve our issue-""Offer chief resident to Schmitt," She smiled, "I'm sure he hates OB by now even though he wanted to stick to it. Poach him. Convince him to return to surgery. And then you can delegate responsibilities to him.""Solid plan," Derek nodded as he made his way to the door, "Thank you chief.""I am killing this chief thing," Meredith muttered to herself quietly, thinking he wouldn't hear her."Yes, you are" Derek called out as he closed the door behind him.Meredith smiled as she watched him walk down the hall through the window in her office. They'd come a long way in the recent years, and she had been very proud of them.If only she had been killing it as a mom.Zola had been having panic attacks at least once every other day. The discovery of her being gifted had changed the parents' perspectives.Bailey had been suspended for the day after punching another classmate. He had returned the next day and had faced the wrath of his father- he apologized but it still hurt.And her youngest? Well Ellis hadn't given them much trouble lately. And she hoped it'd stay that way.Meredith walked out of her office and made her way down the halls. Familiar faces, new faces, greeted her with smiles. She could see Amelia rushing down the hall as she made her way down the catwalk. She was surely being paged somewhere. Further down, the interns crowded Derek as he handed assignments. Maggie and Winston bickered with charts in their hands.The hospital was running smoothly. A professional triumph she was proud to hang her hat on.She had grown up here. Fallen in love and built her family. And now she was proud she could rebuild it once more.As she continued to make her way down the halls down to the lobby, a pair of voices caught her attention."Mom died, remember? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.""I wanna go home," an elderly voice called out.Meredith walked closer and recognized the intern trying to soothe the woman. Simone Griffith. She was a promising intern. Probably the most capable out of the bunch."Okay, well let me call dad-" Simone reached for her.The woman pulled back, "No, I said no! Get away from me!"The desperation in Simone's voice was familiar. The distress and fear was something she knew very well.Meredith walked over until she reached her, "Hi, can I help?"Simone blinked, prepared to say he had this. Meredith knew better, "It's okay I got this."She took the woman's hands and hers, "Ma'am can I help you? What do you need?"Simone watched as the chief's cool demeanor calmed down her grandmother. A kindness graces her as she extended her help."Shall we take deep breaths?" Meredith instructed, "How can I help you?""Can you help me find my daughter?"Meredith nodded, "I would love to."Meredith sat on the bench. The sounds of the sirens surrounded her as footsteps walked towards her."Chief," Owen smiled at her, "You okay?"Meredith looked up and smiled, "I used to call you that."Owen laughed, "That feels like such a long time ago."She looked back to the cars ahead of her, "How are you and Teddy?""You heard?" Owen noticed her grimace, "I don't know. I don't know how to talk to her sometimes and I think the working together is-""It's hard," Meredith nodded, "Being around each other for so long can be hard. I get it."Owen nodded. Of course she got it. And she still made it work."You'll figure it out," Meredith assured him, "I'm keeping you, you should go home."He smiled once more and made his way to his truck. Owen stopped and turned around as if he forgot something important."You're doing a great job, Grey," he smiled, "You're doing great."Meredith grinned softly as she watched him turn again and make his way. At least she could say she was succeeding somewhere.Another set of footsteps walked towards her. She instantly recognized them as well as the sigh that sat next to her, "Griffith scrubbed in with Maggie. You were right, she likes her.""Mmm," Meredith hummed as she continued to stare ahead."I was going to pull her out until I saw your text. She also told me why we couldn't find her earlier. I wanted someone to stay with her grandmother until she scrubbed out and Adams offered to stay with her since she's on a twelve hours shift," Derek continued, "I think he may have a bit of a crush on Simone."No response again."He said that when she finished, she sat wth her grandmother after she thought she was her mother," Derek whispered, "She went along with it.""It sounded familiar. Kind of like the time your mom wouldn't stop going on and on about her sex life with Richard," He chuckled a bit expecting a reaction from her but was only given silence again.His smile and voice dropped, "You promised not to go numb on me remember?"Meredith closed her eyes and inhaled deeply."It's not gonna be you, Meredith-""You can't say that," Meredith whispered, "I have the gene and years ago I made my peace with that. I did. But then my daughter decided to write about her grandmother and started having panic attacks because the thought of my having it is terrifying her."Derek sighed as he listened."I'm not scared for myself anymore Derek, I know what it is," she continued, "I am scared for the rest of my family. For my kids. I am scared that they will be stuck going along with living in my world. And that it pains them the way that it pained me.""I'm scared that I'm not gonna see them grow up. Fall in love. Find what makes them happy. Grandkids if they have them, all of it," Meredith confessed, "I am scared for something I never thought I'd ever be scared of.""I took time off, Derek. I stepped back, I took this job and took on less surgeries so I could focus on the kids," she sniffed back tears, "And I still didn't catch it. I didn't catch that Zola was having these fears and that Bailey was watching it all-""What happened with Bailey isn't your fault," he shook his head, "He just- he- Meredith he has my impulses, we've always said that.""It's still not enough," Meredith whispered.Meredith took the cake outside to the porch where everyone had been waiting. Smiles burst as they all began to sing Happy Birthday.Ellis smiled brightly as she watched her mother approach with the cake in her hand. She leaned on top of the table and peered to watch the chocolate cake with candles make her way over to her.It was a small celebration. Just a few of her friends from school, her aunts, their partners, uncles, and family.Still, it was a loud bunch. And a group that adored her. She could feel the affection from each of them as they congratulated her and smiled as her glimmering green eyes focused on the cake in front of her.As they stopped, her dad asked, "Ready for your wish, baby girl?"Ellis nodded and closed her eyes tightly. As she opened them she eagerly blew the candles out and the cheers and applause erupted from the gathered crowd. Both parents had been eager to celebrate and to bring everyone together at least once. It used to be a weekly gathering of at least a few friends but life got in the way and those reunions tended to slip by."Did you make this cake?" Richard approached Meredith as Maggie helped distribute it. He hadn't stepped foot into the hospital in a while. The last time he had been there was the day Meredith had welcomed the new interns."No!" she scoffed, "Of course I didn't. I am glad to see you made it today. You're missed at the hospital.""Well I couldn't miss Little Ellis' birthday," Richard smiled as he turned to the young girl happily enamoured with the attention she was receiving, "Heard the hospital has been thriving under your leadership.""I did learn from the best," Meredith pursed her lips into a tight grin before sighing, "And I'm lucky I have a good staff.""And you know how to run a tight ship," Richard nodded, "Derek doing okay with the new gig? Heard he and Amelia have a nephew in there?""Lucas Adams," Meredith confirmed as she nodded towards the awkward, ruffled hair, young man making his way through the pool of attendings and other well respected people in the hospital, "They were against it but I see something in him. Besides, he asked us not to disclose his family connections but when you start saying a certain phrase in the OR, everyone's bound to catch on.""Yeah, Bailey mentioned that," Richard turned to the direction Meredith pointed at and studied the young man, "Is he awkward? A little slow? Like he's in the room but also not there?""His first day," Meredith recounted, "He told the wrong family that their loved one was brain dead. Almost cost another patient a triple organ transplant. Derek and Amelia were pissed and ready to kick him off the program. I was pissed too but, I also knew I had to give the kid a chance.""So you-""Had him scrub in on a triple-organ transplant with Bailey," Meredith chuckled, "I needed him to appreciate that what we do is sacred. It not something to take lightly. Not everyone has what it takes."Richard chuckled in approval, "Reminds me of Shepherd.""Derek? Awkward? I'm married to the man, I refuse to believe that?" Meredith laughed as she reached for a slice of cake for herself, "I fell in love with him because of his confidence.""No, it's true," Richard confirmed, "You met him when he was the hot shot neurosurgeon but before that he was quiet, awkward, I swear I thought he'd drop the program or flunk out."Meredith giggled at the thought, "You know I've been married to him for such a long time and I swear it's like I still don't know everything about him.""Is that a bad thing?""No," Meredith assured him, "It's just he was such a different person back then it's hard to imagine him. He's so sure of himself. So confident it comes out as arrogance. But under all of that is this man who just wants to do good.""He always has," Richard nodded in understanding, "We all change, Meredith. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. But I like to believe that everything we go through changes us for the better."Meredith took another moment to think about it."You're not the same person who walked through the hospital doors all those years ago," Richard observed, "You've changed just as much.""Really? You think so?""Would that Meredith have all of this?" he motioned to the house, in the land, that once solely belonged to the man she was in love with, who happened to be married, "The kids, husband, all of it?""Nope," Meredith shook her head, "she would've laughed at the thought of it and Cristina would've laughed just as much. We'd be downing a whole bottle of tequila as we made of the idea.""See? Changed person," Richard grinned, "I wish your mother could see it now."Meredith shuddered. At this point, she didn't care very much what Ellis Grey thought or didn't think.Richard moved away to another group, she walked over to her husband who had been sitting on a bench, taking in the scene in front of him. This is what he had wanted all those years ago. A loud house filled with laughter, the way he grew up. And he wanted to share it with her. He smiled as she took a seat next to him."What do you think she wished for?" he asked as he wrapped an arm around her."Ellie?" Meredith giggled, "That her dad doesn't have another tree chopped."Derek laughed, "That tree was gonna damage the house!""She didn't know that! She was five!" Meredith laughed in unison with her husband, "How is she eight already?""Time just doesn't stop," Derek said wistfully, "One minute it was just you, me, and Zola now we're outnumbered."Meredith giggled, "She wanted a treehouse. All to herself. She said she was going to ask you to build one for her and I'm assuming she hasn't because her dad fulfills her every wish.""A treehouse?" Derek raised his brows, "Really? Well then I better get to work."Meredith laughed as her eyes went back to the three children laughing as Bailey tried to wipe frosting on his younger sister's face."We did good didn't we?" Derek asked quietly, "We have good kids."Meredith smiled as she turned to see him equally lost in the beauty of their children. She smiled as she turned back to them, "Yeah, we did good.""Dr. Grey! Chief Grey!" Dr. Adams voice echoed through the halls as he ran to catch up to her."Dr. Adams, slow down, this is a hospital," she chided, "We have patients!""Sorry, sorry! But Un-Dr. Shepherd- Dr. Derek Shepherd asked me to find you," he panted as he walked alongside her, "They did it! They actually did it!""Did what?" Meredith raised a brow expecting an elaboration, "What did they do?""Kari! She moved a finger-""I thought Griffith was on that case with the Shepherds," Meredith questioned."She was but Dr. Shepherd but on his service today," Luke explained, "You need to come with me, she moved a finger, Chief!"Meredith blinked. A frickin miracle had happened she followed the intern down the hall. She managed to catch both neurosurgeons exiting their patient's room. They stood slightly away from the room giving Kari and Toby privacy and giving each other a chance to speak privately."Is it true?" Chief Grey rushed to the hallway and met the two outside the patient's door, "She moved her finger?""She moved her finger! She pointed at me!" Amelia couldn't help the giggle that escaped her, "We- oh my god!"She lept into her brother's arms and embraced her."Dr. Shepherd?" Meredith turned to Derek expecting more of an explanation. ."I don't- I don't want to get my hoped up but she moved her fingers. And pointed at me," Derek heaved, "I just- oh I have a surgeons high right now."Meredith grabbed his arm and squeezed it, "Congratulations! Great work the both of you!""Thank you!" Amelia reached for her, "You took a chance on this and it paid off.""I did nothing," Meredith shook her head, "You did the work, I just signed paperwork-""You put your trust in us," Derek muttered, "Not every chief is willing to do that. Especially on something as risky as this."He knew that first hand. Risks like this meant the hospital had either a praise or backlash. It could make a surgeons career or destroy it. And worst of all, it was a risk on patient's lives."Your patient trusted you," Meredith shook her head again, "This was you and your patient. Take the win. Congratulations, you changed her life today.""This is your win," Derek turned to Amy, "You and Link brought this, I just helped.""Oh, we gotta publish!" Amy exclaimed, "We definitely have to publish!"Lucas smiled as he listened in to the doctors. This is why they were the Shepherd Super Surgeons. And why he was scared of their reputation and that he would never live up to it.Meredith walked away from the scene, leaving the doctors to celebrate their medical changing surgery.Another triumph under her belt as chief.The bed was warm. Too warm. She had pulled away from his embrace a while after she felt his breathing even out. They hadn't even had sex that night and yet she felt as if the bed was scorching. And it was impossible to sleep.At least that's what she'd tell herself as she got out of bed. Meredith pulled her robe on and tied it as she quietly walked down the hallway and into the living room.No sleep tonight. She could feel it. Just the natural beams of the moon splayed through the large doors and herself.She grabbed her laptop and began to search. For the same thing she had been doing over and over again.Several tabs open later, and a few hours after, a pair of arms slightly jolted her as they enveloped her small frame."You're hovering," she whispered, "What are you doing out of bed?""I turned over to hug my wife only to find her missing," He rested his cheek against hers, "I figured she'd find her way over here."Meredith reached to caress his face without taking her eyes away from the screen, "I couldn't sleep.""You know the light of the screen stimulates your brain-," Derek whispered."-and makes it difficult to sleep," Meredith finished for him, "I know, brain-man. I'm a doctor, too, you know. Probably better than you, now.""I'm not sure about that," he whispered as he kissed her cheek."Am too," Meredith teased, "See the Catherine Fox over there? It says my name on it. I don't see one with yours.""Whatever, what are you-?" Derek chuckled against her neck and pressed his lips before looking back up, "Oh c'mon Meredith, it's three in the morning, you should be asleep. Not researching Alzheimer's"He didn't even need to read an entire sentence to grasp where her head was at. He wouldn't tell her but he had read that same article in the elevator and in his office earlier in the day.Meredith scrambled as she turned to look at him in his eyes. In her own, there was some fear. Some fearlessness. And determination."I wasn't just researching Alzheimer's. I got side tracked," Meredith sighed, "I was doing other research and I made a list of schools in Seattle and outside Seattle for Zola. I just- I couldn't sleep."He glanced at the list on the notepad. Clearly, she had done her research. All of them had been science oriented. They had both met with the principle at Zola's school to talk options. After she suggested that Zola skip two grades, both parents were left unsatisfied. So options were thrown until the right one fell on their lap.Derek couldn't help but notice the surprising common thread between the schools."These are outside Seattle?" Derek furrowed his brows as he made his way around to stand next to his wife.Meredith swallowed the lump in her throat. Searching outside Seattle simply happened. It didn't even cross her mind what that would mean. Her mom instinct was on autopilot and she ran."Last year, we almost left to Minnesota because I was dangled a brand, new, shiny toy," she quietly answered, "Years ago, you were-""D.C. is nothing like last year, Meredith," he insisted as he sat next to his wife on the couch."No, it's not," Meredith turned to look at him, "But neither is this.""No," Derek sighed defeatedly, "It's not."They stared at each other for a moment. These decisions had often been in their hands and for one reason or another, they were never ready to jump off the cliff. And when one of them was, the other dug in their heels and made sure to stand their ground while the other jumped willingly. The collateral damage was their stability as a marriage and as a family. Were they really ready to climb down the cliff again?"Zola deserves this from us," Meredith reached for his hand, "She deserves a chance to be the best she can be the same way we did."They had both been given the chance to prove themselves over and over again. A luxury and privilege not many people had. And one they could offer their daughter."I don't know how I feel about leaving Seattle, but I know I would do anything for Zola," Meredith's eyes turned glassy, "I would do anything for those kids. You know that.""So would I," Derek nodded, "You know that."To their children. They were invincible.He was the dad that spooked the monsters under the bed away. The dad who willingly played princess tea party with his girls. The dad who coached soccer and went to as many games as he could.And she was super mom. Super freakin mom who could do anything and everything. Even when she felt like her mind was in a million places, her kids only saw the good in her. They saw how she was always ready to kiss their injuries away. Ready to read them story books before bed. Hold them when they were scared of lightning. She was their mom.Meredith stared at the computer in front of her before he spoke again."She didn't want to leave last year," Derek reminded her, "She was adamant on staying and her panic attacks were part of the reason we decided to stay.""Her diagnosis changes everything, Derek," Meredith shook her head, "You heard Maggie, she hated skipping schools. She hated feeling like the outsider amongst these kids who were all older than her."They'd both spoken to her sister about how to approach this. Maggie told them she could share her experience in hopes it would help. Share how she felt like an outsider in many ways and how terrified and anxious she felt when she thought she didn't fit in anywhere. And the parents listened. Meredith's mind worked a million hours per hour as she listened. And she had drafted plan after plan just like she would as chief of surgery. She was prepared."What if it ends up being the right thing?" Meredith questioned."Bailey? Ellis? What about them? They didn't want to leave either." Derek countered."I know, I know but," Meredith sighed.Three. There were three little kids to think of, not just one. The balance of it all was always the difficult part in making decision."There's no perfect answer, Derek," she shook her head, "I don't I-I just know that we have to look at all our options and do what's best for our family. Whatever that is."They silently stared into each other's eyes for a moment.This is where they jumped.Or not.This was where they both held hands and leaped.Or when one pulled back.This was the crossroads."Okay," Derek slowly nodded, "Let's start with our options here. And if the school here isn't enough, we look outside.""Okay," she agreed, "And we'll talk to the three of them."And with that. Everything changed. They both leaped. Together.And the small ears of their youngest child listening from the hallway, were ones they'd been unaware of. For now.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"Trick or Treat!"The door to her old home opened revealing their father inside, "I've got tricks but no treats. You wanna see one?"Groans filled the quiet patio as Amelia rolled her eyes, "The trick here is that he lets us in because we are freezing!""You are no fun," Derek moved over and let two superheroes, and a baby dumbo in before his youngest- dressed as a chef- stood in front of him, "I wanna see the trick!""That's my girl," Derek smiled.She always did.Derek reached behind her ear and opened his hand to reveal a quarter. Ellis sighed in wonder at the sight of the mysterious coin that appeared behind her ear. She took it and ran into the kitchen, "Dad made a coin appear from behind my ear!"Meredith giggled as she stood in front of her husband. He looked at her confused, "What? You want to see the trick? Because I still have a few I can show-""No!" Meredith scoffed as she shook her head in amusement, "You are such a dork!""Yeah, but I make our kids laugh," he leaned in to peck her lips before pulling back, "And I make you laugh.""You do. You do make us laugh," She kissed him gently again, "You're a good dad."He hummed as she pressed her lips again and wrapped her hand in his curls, "You're a dorky dad but a good dad who makes us laugh."He laughed again as he gave her another kiss.This had been the first time he'd missed out on trick-or-treating with his kids. The year before, Meredith had missed it due to a surgery. Neither of them had been happy about both predicaments but they also understood the demands of their jobs. And as long as their parents were home to count candy, they were thrilled.The tradition of trick-or-treating in Meredith's old neighborhood was one they had kept all these years. With Amy having Scout, it made it such a family affair. And the home was still wide open for everyone. The Grey Shepherds would crash when either had a late surgery. Amelia had even gone so far as leaving their old room empty as sometimes the kids would sleep over. What surprised them was that Lucas had chosen to stay with them rather than Amelia given that the house was now left to solely her. Maggie and Winston had their own place now. But really, that house was never empty."Okay you two, break it up," Amelia called out, "Ellis is staying with me. Lucas is taking Bailey out to that movie later and you two need to leave now if you're gonna drop off Zola on time."Derek rolled his eyes as he released his wife. He glanced at the kitchen and spotted his youngest kids counting candy."You sure you're gonna be okay with Ellis?" Meredith asked, "I don't want you to-""Oh my god, I've practically helped you raise your kids," Amelia sighed, "I'm an expert at all things Little Grey Shepherds."The parents raised their brows at her."Sorry, that's your nickname…that you gave them and call them," Amelia muttered, "I uh, I got a little-"It was a special nickname that only few were privy to knowing why they nicknamed that. And those that knew understood the importance of Mark Sloan and Lexie Grey."It's okay," Meredith smiled, "They are The Little Grey-Shepherds.""And you have helped raise them," Derek added, "You know you're more than just their aunt. You and Maggie both are.""Okay stop getting sappy," Amelia smiled as she waved them off, "Go!"Meredith walked to the stairs and called out for her daughter, "Zozo, are you ready?"Derek watched as his wife made her way down their old home, Amelia stepped closer to her brother, "You know you're more that Scout's uncle, too, right? I know you and I haven't always-""Amy," Derek whispered, "You and I both know you still annoy the crap out of me but you know I respect you. Besides, Scout already likes me better than you and Link.""Okay, moment's over," Amelia patted his shoulder, "Have fun with the wife."Derek laughed, "Bailey, Ellis your momma and I are leaving!"Bailey ran down the hall with a lollipop hanging out of his mouth, "Lucas said he'd be here soon and then he'll drop me off again here with Aunt Amy.""Okay, good," Derek ruffled his son's hair, "Promise me you'll be responsible.""You got it, Dad," Bailey high fived his dad before running to hug his mother."Please can I come with you, I promise I'll be good," Ellis came from her mother's side and wrapped her arms around his waist and looked up at him, "Pretty please.""Those pretty green eyes aren't gonna work on me tonight, Ellie," Derek chuckled, "Your momma and I have a date."Ellis sighed dramatically, "Fine."Derek laughed as he watched her mope behind her brother, off to count their candy with their Aunt Amy."Are you sure you're gonna be okay?" Meredith asked her daughter as she walked down the stairs, changed, and ready for the slumber party.Zola shook her head, "I went trick or treating like you asked. I've been excited for this for a week, I will be fine. I promise."Her mother wasn't convinced, "And if you have any-""I will call you, I have my phone" Zola finished as she handed her dad her night bag, "I promise I will call you."Derek squinted his eyes and turned to his wife, "I don't know Dr. Grey. What do you think?"Zola's arms dropped. Here they went again."I think she's just saying that to get us off her back, Dr. Shepherd," Meredith turned to him with the same amused look, "I'm rethinking this letting her go to the slumber party thing. We should prescribe a night home.""Mom!" Zola giggled, "Dad! I am fine, I promise. I really wanna go, everyone's going.""Okay, then Dr. Grey-Shepherd," Derek smiled, "Let's go.""Call me if they're any-""Get out!" Amelia closed the door behind them as they walked out.How long has it been since we've done this? Come out to the ferryboats?"Meredith popped a fry into her mouth and chuckled, "Before the house of candles.""That's so long ago," Derek wistfully whispered.A small little nook by the docks gave them the perfect view to the ferryboats. All from the comfort of their car."She hasn't called," Meredith glanced at her phone, "Maybe she'll really be okay.""She hasn't had an episode in a few days," Derek recalled, "Maybe we've reached a turning point.""I hope so," Meredith sighed. "I did something."Derek furrowed his brows before he bit on a fry, "What'd you do?""I told Zola the story about the ferryboats," Meredith shyly told him, "She was sitting on the boat staring off into this very spot and I don't know why but I told her. I didn't tell her I took you home that night- but I told her we stayed here for hours."Derek chuckled, "Is that why you wanted to come here? Reminisce on the good old days?""Things were easier back then," Meredith sighed, "At least I thought they were. I just had to get through intern year and then you showed up.""I came in to complicate your life," Derek shook his head amusingly as Meredith giggled, "Why the hell would I do that?""Oh, my life was already complicated, remember?" she chuckled lightly, "Besides, in the long run, we complicated each other's lives for the better. Thanks for bringing me here, by the way."He had planned it all. Take-out from their favorite place, wine, and the perfect view. Almost like all those years ago. They'd flirt and spend some time together. And if he was lucky- which he'd be- he'd take her down to the hotel he booked because they were already too far from home and their kids were on this side of Seattle."Why do you have a thing for ferryboats?" Meredith asked with a whisper, "Does it have to do with your dad?"Derek turned to her, "I never told you?""If you did I was probably drunk," Meredith joked, "I don't think I ever asked. I kind of liked the mystery"Derek hummed."I thought you said it to charm me," Meredith smiled as she watched his eyes dart back to the ferryboats, "I thought it was just some running gag of yours. Turns out you really got a thing for them."They laughed together, "Yeah, my dad used to uh, take us on ferryboat rides whenever he could. We'd just ride as long as we wanted. I think it's one of my best memories as a kid."Derek laughed as he thought of a memory, "One time, we were all riding the ferry- I don't think Amy was born yet, my mom may have been pregnant, but we were on the ferry and I hid down by the cars. My dad went crazy trying to find me and my sisters were pissed because they were late to some sort of thing."Meredith laughed at the thought of a child like version of her husband running around a ferryboat in the cold New York weather. She pictured Bailey with darker hair. A young boy with a sparkle of charming mischief in his eye. But truly, as sweet, kind, shy, boy who just wanted to garner a smile from everyone."I got in so much trouble and my mother never let me out of her sight again," He recounted as Meredith giggled like she had all those years ago in his car, "And when I was at Columbia, I used to ride the ferryboat to study. Destress.""I thought you liked the quiet?""Everyone left me alone on the ferry," he nodded before swallowing a lump, "Addison knew not to follow me unless I invited her along. Mark knew to leave me alone, especially after my dad died. It was my-""Sanctuary. I get it," Meredith whispered, "Now you take your kids on rides as often as you can.""Yeah, now I get to do that with them," Derek nodded as he thought about them for a moment, "Did you have that? A sanctuary? In Boston?""Anywhere that wasn't the house was my sanctuary," Meredith laughed, "I'd sneak out at night and get in cars with boys while my mother was asleep or in the hospital. I was a real rebellious child back in my day."He pictured a teenage version- a mix of Ellie and Mer. A pink haired, angry, teenager who was just begging for attention. For love from her mother but knew deep down she wouldn't get it. Because Ellis Grey was enamored with her job. Passionate and dedicated. And she was a trailblazer- to her credit. But somewhere along the lines a little girl trailed and barely got through.Derek laughed as he turned his head back to the rain, "Oh man, I'm in trouble with our girls."Meredith giggled, "It doesn't help that I'm still in cars with one."Derek laughed and looked out at the boats in front of them.The sound of the ferry interrupted them. A few moments of silence passed between the two of them."What did we talk about that night?" Derek asked quietly, "The night you brought me here? I remember bits and then we downed a whole bottle-"Meredith giggled, "I don't remember. I think we talked about why we became surgeons. You didn't tell me about your dad but you said something about wanting to help."He hummed again, "You said it was expected of you, right? Said your mother pushed you to go to med school?.""I guess so," Meredith shrugged, "That's why I started, anyways."Another sound interrupted them."And then we went to your place-," Derek continued reminiscing.Meredith giggled again, "And George and Izzie caught you sneaking out."They both laughed. They'd come a long way from being the young intern and the hot shot surgeon who fell in love with each other.Now they were established surgeons. Well respected surgeons. Parents to three children and happily married.And yet, still learning from each other. Still discovering new things that surprised them."I was watching you with the kids the other day," Derek whispered, "It was late- a Friday I think- I had just gotten home and I was standing by the french doors after I got home. You were sitting on the porch eating ice cream with them and they were in a fit of giggles."Meredith furrowed her brows as she listened."They were just laughing and laughing. It echoed all over," he chuckled a bit as he was lost in the memory, "And I just thought 'This is it. It's all I've ever wanted.'""You. The kids," He was lost for a moment before turning to her, "You gave me that. You've given me everything I could ever want."Meredith tried to think back to what he was talking about. Truth was, she had done that so many times with the kids over the last few months that she couldn't pinpoint when he was referring to. All she knew was that she'd scoop ice cream into four bowls. A mix of chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry. Maybe when they were older, they'd like coffee but for now, it wasn't on their menu. They'd sit inside and watch a movie or sit on the porch. He'd join them as soon as he would be home."I-," he whispered, "If anything were to happen to me-""Don't. Start," Meredith warned. She knew this speech, back and forth, "Please. Don't start.""I'm serious, Meredith," he turned to her as he let his hand wander to her jaw, "If anything should happen, I know they'd be okay with you. I know you'd be fine-"Meredith shifted uncomfortably, "You've said this before, you-"And then he was shot. And then there was a car crash. And then it was life or death."I shouldn't have brought your dad up," Meredith whispered as she felt her eyes water, "If I'd known you'd start-""Meredith. I'll stop," he whispered."Thank you," she whispered back as she looked back into her hands. An awkward silence lingered amongst them. He'd tried to bring it up before. The what if he died like he was supposed to all those years ago.It left her anxious and she shut him down every time. She wasn't interested in any 'the kids will be fine' or 'here's where those important things are' or 'I don't want you to be lonely' speeches. She couldn't even dare to imagine that being a reality. Ever.And the truth was neither was he. He had made promises far down the road that he intended to keep.The silence lingered and time passed. Neither would remember who leaned closer. All they recalled was that their lips slowly made their way towards each other. Slowly. Almost like they were new at this and didn't know where to start. Reigniting a flame that never seemed to dim.And finally the flames burst when they collided and got lost within each other, fighting for dominance and yet promising each other everything over and over again. Derek's lips left hers as they chased the all too familiar trail of her neck, leaning over the console as she kissed any open area she could reach.Everything they needed to say was whispered in fluttering passionate kisses. I love you. I need you. Don't leave me. I can't live without you. And even if I could, I don't ever want to.It wasn't what he planned. Nothing close to it. He had planned a night in the hotel. A romantic, sexy, quiet kind of night.The alternative was better, anyway. Because somehow, they ended up the same way they had all those years ago."We're too old for car sex," Meredith muttered as she felt his lips trail her exposed neck. She was sated and still landing on planet Earth.She pushed away from him and reached for her clothes- which had been skewered in all sorts of places.Her jeans and shirt on the floor. His shirt on the seats after she nearly tore it off and dropped it. His undershirt somewhere in the front seat. Her bra hanging on the headrest of the driver's seat.Derek chuckled as he buttoned up his pants, "Are you complaining? Because it didn't sound like you were complaining when I-""I am not complaining. I've never complained after that," Meredith raised a brow as she awkwardly tried to redress in the small space.She stared at him for a moment before he pulled her towards him again, "C'mere"Meredith giggled as her lips reached his. Whatever awkward conversation there was had all disappeared within moments.Their lovemaking had been a tangled mess of limbs and yet everything that needed to be said was said over and over again. The love, passion, all of it.Her fingers tangled in his hair as his reached under her shirt."Are we going for round two?" His lips wandered down her neck as he muttered."Maybe we should try getting to that hotel first," she muttered as she grinded against him -unintentionally.They both chuckled again into each other as their lips wandered once more. A buzzing sound interrupted them from getting any farther."Wait, wait, stop," she reached for the phone in her console and stared at the face that shined on the screen, "It's our kid."She gently pushed her very tempting husband away."Crap," Derek whispered as he helped her off. He already knew. Deep within, he knew what was happening."Zola, are you-?""Mom?" Zola pleaded through the phone. Meredith's heart stopped as she heard her tear ridden voice, "Can you come pick me up?"Meredith softly whispered, "Take a deep breath for me, I'm right here.""Don't hang up okay?" her daughter begged, "I'm sorry."They gathered themselves quickly before Derek opened the door, "Tell her we're on our way."He got off the car and switched to the driver's seat. He turned the engine on quickly and pulled away."Zo, I'm right here," Meredith consoled her, "I got you, let's take some deep breaths. We're on our way."The night shifted quickly. And their date ended."You two scared me when you rang the doorbell," Amelia whispered as she tiptoed into the kitchen, "How's she doing?""Better," Derek whispered back, "Mer had a feeling it might happen."Amelia shook her head as she watched her brother pour boiling water into two mugs, "I don't get it, she was fine when she left- I mean she was excited.""Anxiety creeps up on you when you don't expect it, you know that," Meredith whispered as she stepped into the kitchen, "Thanks for watching the kids. I'm sorry we woke you up.""Are you kidding? This was your home too- it still is," Amelia waved her off, "Besides Bailey and Lucas were up pretty late in the study. Your kid crashed a while ago."Meredith took a tea bag from the tin and poured honey into both mugs. She took a deep breathe, "I think it's time. I think we have to tell her.""Tell her what?" Amelia asked. Both parents looked at each other."Yeah," Derek nodded, "I think she should know that we're doing everything we know we can do.""Which is?" Amelia whispered again."You don't think it's going to trigger any more episodes?" Meredith asked oblivious to her sister in law, "I hate that word but I can't even-""I mean, we'd be turning her life upside down and the other Little Shepherds but she deserves to know and not just spring it up on her.""Seriously, what's happening?" Amelia pleaded, "There's nothing else that's wrong with Zo, right?"Meredith and Derek looked up at her."Meredith and I are looking at schools for Zo," Derek began."Schools that best tailor to her needs. Maggie was right, she needs more than what her current school can provide," Meredith added before she rubbed Derek's back. What was coming wasn't something he was ready to confide in his little sister yet."Okay," Amy glanced between the pair, feeling that there was more."There's one here in Seattle," Derek paused, "And the rest are outside of Seattle.""Oh," Amy blinked, "Oohhh.""Mom?" Zola's voice took their attention back."We should talk to Zo," Meredith took both mugs and made her way out of the kitchen. Leaving both siblings alone for a moment."Amy-" Derek muttered.Amelia smiled as she held in tears, "Don't. We talked about this last year remember. When you were leaving to Minnesota. We talked about this."Derek nodded."And I get it," Amy grinned forcefully and yet sincerely at the same time, "I do, I mean, I'd do anything for Scout. They're our kids."Derek grinned sadly, "I should go with-""Yeah, me too," Amy turned to make her way back upstairs as Derek walked into the living room.Derek made his way into the room with his wife and daughter."I'm sorry I made you guys pick me up," Zola fiddled with her fingers, "It's late and we woke up Auntie Amy and Scout-""Zola," Derek reached to embrace his eldest, "We will pick you up no matter the time or place.""Always," Meredith added, "You want to tell us what happened?""Layla, and Hannah and" Zola sighed, "Everyone just…I don't know. It was okay. We got into our sleeping bags and I couldn't sleep.""Were you feeling left out?" Derek asked."No," Zola fiddled with her robe again, "I laid there thinking about you."She turned to him and then to her mother, "And you.""What were you thinking?" Meredith asked."I thought about Dad's accident all those years ago," she mumbled, "And how you got sick a while back."The parents shared a look."And then I thought about Alzheimer's and Aunt Maggie too," Zola added, "And I couldn't talk to anyone about it because I couldn't breathe. And no one else gets it.""Zozo," Derek whispered as his daughter turned to look at him, "We're right here. We're not going anywhere.""Why is this happening to me?" Zola asked, "When is it gonna get better?"They were at a loss for a moment."You've seen a lot, Zo," Derek began, "You're a brilliant little girl with a gift that just needs a little more attention. And you've seen a lot.""And Daddy and I are gonna do everything,," Meredith swallowed a lump as her daughter turned her brown eyes to her, "everything, we can to help you.""Does this mean more therapy?" Zola sighed."Probably," Derek answered, "But there's more.""We've been talking about looking into different schools," Meredith broke the ice, "Schools with the right teachers, programs, all of it."Zola furrowed her brows. "In Seattle?""Maybe," Derek nodded, "There's a great one here that we think you'll like."Zola glanced between the pair and silently asked for more."And there's some outside of Seattle," Meredith conceded, "I know how you feel about leaving but we want to help you. And we've put a lot of thought into this.""But we won't pressure you," Derek added, "You will get a say no matter what. All that we ask is that you keep an open mind."Zola thought about it for a moment. She nodded and squirmed lower into the couch."Come here give me a hug," Meredith whispered. Her daughter quickly fell into her embrace, holding her tightly.Meredith and Derek glanced at each other. All those years of fighting over ex-wives, vets, and jobs were nothing.This fight they were braving together to find what was best for their family was the toughest thing they'd face. The biggest difference between it all was that they had each other.They would always have each other."C'mon Bailey!" Derek shouted as he watched his son kick the ball. He ran it across the field and tried to kick it as far as he could, "You got it, Bails!"He lined up the ball before kicking it with gusto. It missed the goal net and the young boy shook his head in dissapointed.He was off his game, Derek could see it. He adjusted the baseball cap he wore and stuffed his hands in his leather jacket, "That's alright Bails."Footsteps approached him and stood next to the worried father, "Hey, what are you doing here? I thought you were on call today?""I hit my hours," Lucas sighed, "Bailey invited me, I told him I'd come. How're they doing?""No goals on either side," Derek shook his head, "It's the second one he misses."Lucas mimicked his uncles pose indirectly. Both men stood side by side with their hands stuffed in their jackets."Bailey had fun with you the other night," Derek turned to look at his nephew, "He kept going on and on about it."Lucas laughed, "He reminds me of me when I was a kid. I kinda like having him around. I missed out on a brother.""You had your cousins," Derek furrowed his brow, "I mean you got the short end of the stick with three sisters but you had the other four cousins-""Not the same," Lucas shook his head, "Being surrounded by girls is-""Loud," Derek chuckled as he recalled his own youthful days. Back when his sisters- his very girly sisters were kicking him out of their rooms, hogging the bathroom, and giving him headaches."We're still surrounded by them,"Lucas chuckled.The laughed in tandem once more before focusing on the game again. Bailey ran across the field and looked for an open player. He passed it to a teammate and continued his trek."Your mom called me the other day," Derek muttered as he turned to his nephew, "I didn't pick up because I was in a surgery so I was sent a very angry text asking why you weren't answering your phone."Lucas didn't move. He grimaced slightly before turning to his uncle, "And you said-""Nothing," Derek shook his head, "I said nothing. So do me a favor and call her or at least answer a damn text. So she won't annoy me.""Isn't that what your wife said about you not calling back Nana?," Lucas chuckled as he checked his watch, "Oh I gotta go, I told Simone I'd meet her to study."Derek watched as his face briefly brightened as he mentioned the young woman. Derek liked her. She was smart, caring, and quick on her feet. She had the most clinical experience and she was always on top of her cases.Of course his nephew would set his eyes on someone like that."Study? Is that what you're calling your dates now?" Derek teased as he watched the young man slowly walk away,Lucas turned around and stepped backwards, "It's not a date.""Uh-huh," Derek remained unconvinced, "Hey uh are you flying home for Thanksgiving?""Is this your gentle way of telling me I should?""It's my gentle way of figuring out your plans," Derek raised his brow, "You should spend it here with us. It's better than flying back and forth on short notice."Lucas stopped for a moment and studied his uncle, "Did Aunt Mer tell you to ask me? She's usually the one who-""I'm not sure if she even remembers it's November," Derek chuckled. Some things never changed with his wife, "I'd like it if you spent it with us, you're practically with us all the time."Lucas nodded as he watched his uncle fumble. The last time they had spent a holiday together, his Uncle Derek was still married to Aunt Addie. Aunt Mer was no where near the picture."Look I get it, you probably want to go home and see-""No, no," Lucas shook his head shyly, "Uh, thanks. Yeah, I'll stick around.""Good," Derek nodded once in approval, "You better go, don't keep her waiting. The girls hate that.""And then what happened?" Meredith opened the closet door and pulled out a blouse and muttering to herself, "Ugh, it's like she did it on purpose.""Her BP dropped," Derek sighed as he finished grooming his hair, "I had Kwan run neuro exams every hour and when I called earlier this morning, she was stable."He turned to watch her redress herself, "What did she do again?""Spilled her cereal," Meredith fixed the collar of her sweater, "But it was more like she threw it. I don't know how the heck she did it but it spilled all over my blouse! I'm gonna be so late."She had gotten up early and made a quick breakfast as he helped with the kids' lunches. It was a big day. A big day in which they took a step forward in helping their daughter. And yet it sounded like their youngest was off to some sort of start this morning."That doesn't sound like Ellis," he shook his head, "Bailey? Bailey is the food fighter.""Well your little, baby girl was picking a food fight with me today," Meredith scoffed as she walked back into the bathroom to eye herself once more, "Are you gonna go back in again? On your patient?""I hope not. It'd be too much in such a short time, I don't know if she'll make it if I go back in," Derek walked out of the bathroom to put on his own shirt, "You sure she did it on purpose?"The two conversations were a switch between the parents, the married couple, and the parents. A balance of three personas that were sometimes at odds and sometimes in perfect harmony."Yes! No. I'm not sure but something's off with that one today," Meredith stood by the door, "Is this case too much? I know you've been overwhelmed with-"I'm fine, you don't need to worry, I'm fine," Derek sighed before turning to the door, "Hey Zo are you ready? You two are gonna be late.""How's Adams doing?" Meredith asked, "I haven't heard any complaints from him this week.""Still tumbling around," Derek sighed, "I invited him to stay for Thanksgiving by the way. Thought it'd be nice to have him stay.""As long as I'm not the one stuck with trying to burn a turkey, it's okay with me," Meredith grinned, "Did you figure out what was going on between him and Griffith?""Not yet," Derek shook his head, "They hang out after work but other than that I know nothing.""What good are you as my Director of the Residency Program if you don't know the gossip," Meredith teased, "It's bad uncle points too."Derek laughed, "I'll keep that in mind as I yell at them today.""Okay, I'm ready," Zola stepped into their bedroom begrudgingly, "Why can't we just switch my school? I don't want to see the schools in New York or Boston. This one should be fine.""Well you'd be missing the point, princess," Derek smiled at his kid, "We want to make sure you like this school before we even look at anything else.""Zola," Meredith chuckled, "Keep an open mind, you've got options. It's a privilege to have them."She rolled her eyes and walked out of the room earning a scoff and sigh from her parents.Meredith looked at her husband, "She's gonna hate us for this, you know that, right?""Well they're supposed to at one point, aren't they?" Derek joked and earned a slightly audible breathy chuckle, "Go. Drop her off. I'll pick her up later.""Dad," Bailey asked from his seat in the car, "If Zo goes to a new school, does that mean that we won't be together at school anymore?""I thought you two avoided each other?" Derek glanced from the rearview mirror, "At least that's what you were saying last school year.""She's not gonna have anyone to watch out for her," Bailey shook his head."You can watch out for me?" Ellis smiled at him. The both of them didn't always see eye to eye. Bailey loved to tease his younger sister, and Ellis loved to tease her older brother.But the thought of them reaching some sort of bridge was heartwarming. The tingling sense of guilt crept up within the father of three."Okay look," Derek turned to the backseat as he pulled over at his first stop, "There's a lot going on with Zo, I know that. Your momma knows that. And we know that it's been tough on the both of you but worrying about Zo is our job."Bailey and Ellis glanced at each other quickly."You two have been doing a good job at handling all of this," Derek continued, "And whatever happens, whatever we decide, I promise we'll keep you in the loop, okay?"Bailey smiled and nodded. Ellis looked down at her fingers before looking up and gave him a very thin grin."You're gonna be late, bud," Derek nudged him gently, "I'll see you later. Love you!""Bye dad! Love you too!" Bailey opened the door and ran off the car. Derek watched as the young boy caught up with a few friends. He laughed and turned back. Bailey waved at his dad and walked again once more.He hadn't had any anger outbursts since the first one. And Derek sincerely hoped it stayed that way. He hoped he didn't feel the burden of feeling the need to overprotect. Of feeling like his family was made of glass and anything could break it. So he had to defend it. Protect it. Keep it safe from everyone. Derek knew that feeling. He had it right after his own father had passed."Don't forget about me, Dad!" Ellis called out as she pulled him out of his trance, "I'm gonna be late if we wait here.""Okay," Derek laughed as he shook his head, "Let's go, baby girl."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Stupid school. Stupid snobby kids. Stupid anxiety attacks. Stupid alzheimer's. Stupid car crashes. Stupid thoughts that invaded her mind over and over again. Why did it have to be her? Why did she have to have those attacks?Zola sat on the concrete bench as she waited for her father. She watched as the students passed by from one end to the other. Over and over again in their red and khaki uniforms. Clearly they seemed fine.When her mother had mentioned the possibility of a new school, Zola was prepared to shut the idea down. She didn't like change. Change meant bad things were about to happen, and she wasn't ready for anything bad to happen again. Especially after a year in which her parents traveled back and forth and she rarely saw them. The feeling of not seeing them was so bad that at one point she had told Meredith that she was happy they had both gotten sick and wished for it to happen more often.Her dad chuckled and said she had gone a little dark and twisty.Now, the idea of a new school didn't seem so bad. None of her friends understood what she felt. She was bored in class. And her teachers had other students to worry about too. And skipping grades was an option she definitley did not like.But this school? SeaTac Science? This school was terrible.As her thoughts continued, a voice called out to her, "Zola Grey!"At the sound of his voice, his daughter turned around and smiled lightly. Why he had chosen to call her that, she'd never understand. She was a Shepherd too. Very much a Shepherd. In fact, she had been proud to bear both of her parents names because it showed off to the world that her parents were brilliant people. Brilliant doctors.A sudden thought hit her. Maybe he called her that because she had figured out how to get him to bend to her will the way her mother had. Yup. That was it."Hi, Dad."Once upon a time Zola would run into his arms. She'd crash into them and nearly knocked him over, earning the biggest smile she'd ever seen from her dad. Now, she calmly walked towards him. And she still saw the biggest smile on his face."Hey," He smiled as he wrapped on arm around her. She nearly reached his shoulder, "How was it? What'd you think?""Mmm," Zola made a face that told him everything. Her lips grimaced slightly, her brow was raised. She tilted her head just a bit as she closed one eye, Like she wanted to tell him the truth but just couldn't."Oh no," Derek sighed with a slight shake of his head as they walked slowly back to the car, "I know that face.""I didn't say anything!" she gasped, "Besides it's the only school we're looking at here in Seattle, might as well stop here and enroll me-"Derek squeezed her lightly as he chuckled, "Want a hot chocolate? It's chilly out today and you can tell me all about your day. You can tell me why you hate it.""Don't you have to be in the hospital? You have the residents and surgeries-""The interns have their placements, I finished all my surgeries and lectures," Derek smiled, "And I will always have time for you, princess. We can go to a little place I know by the hospital. You'll love it.""Okay," she smiled as he guided her back to the car.Her dad squeezed her tightly again before kissing the top of her head. She may not be the little girl who ran to her dad- she left that to Ellis nowadays- but she still needed him. And he was still around.They drove in silence, the complete opposite of what used to be their car drives together. She was always wildly talkative. She'd babble as a baby and make animal noises as he identified them for her. She'd go on and on about school and daycare. Meredith had once said she had learned that from him. The talking never stopped. But lately, she'd been a little more quiet. More reserved. Shy even.Once they approached a small cafe, she got off without any comment. He ordered a black coffee. She ordered a hot chocolate and a croissant.Zola wouldn't admit it so fast, but days where it just herself and her dad were some of her favorites. They were usually filled with jokes and he'd tell her a story about how much she and her siblings reminded him of their mother or himself. They made father/daughter memories that down the line, she'd remember with fondness."Do you come here a lot?" Zola asked as they sat outside, "I didn't even know this place was here and I've been to the hospital almost every day during the summer."Derek looked towards the table outside. A young couple sat closely to each other as they laughed together. He honestly didn't know why he was bringing his daughter here. Nostalgia?"I brought your mom here on our first date," Derek smiled as he turned back to his daughter, "She uh, was an intern and she was eating frozen pizza and left over grilled cheese for breakfast back then."
Think of it as an attending getting to know one of his interns.
He slept with the intern.
Barely knew her.
"That sounds like mom," Zola giggled, "Was she your favorite?"Her giggle ran across the empty cafe. Derek smile grew even bigger as he watched her. His children's laughs were his favorite sound. They filled his heart in ways he never knew they would.Derek crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair, a little surprised at his daughter's curiosity, "Yes but not because of the reason you think she was.""Then why?"Derk sighed, "She worked her ass off-""That's not a nice word-" Zola raised a brow."She worked really hard" Derek corrected himself, "and she was the most loyal intern I knew. I don't think the five of them would've made it out of their intern year if she hadn't kept them together.""What do you mean?""Well, usually when you're an intern the competitive side comes out of you," he explained, "Your mom opened the doors to her home."The golden years of the Frat House- now known as the Sister House- were filled with nostalgia and stories that would become legend throughout the halls of Grey Sloan."At one point we all lived together, your Uncle Alex, George, Izzie- not your Aunt Cristina although she practically lived there too," Derek continued, "Years later your Aunt Lexie and Uncle Jackson and Aunt April moved in. Everybody lived there.""Who are George and Izzie?""They were interns with your mom," Derek said softly, "They were all good friends. They were her family."A flash of an angry Meredith crossed his mind. She'd been so angry at his insinuation that Izzie and Alex move out that she had told him off at the end of the day. He didn't get it then, but over time he learned.Zola tilted her head, "What happened?""Uh, Izzie moved after she got sick and George was in an accident," he explained, "He passed away."Zola took notice how he became quiet. Like it was a memory he had suppressed and wasn't fond of reliving it."Did you have friends like mom when you were an intern?""Well we didn't all live together," Derek laughed, "But yes. My class of interns and I were all good friends."Zola drank her hot chocolate slowly, "Dad, are my anxiety attacks only because of the thing you and Dr. Bartley found?""No," Derek shook his head, "Your brain functions a little different from other children your age and it does increase your risks at having anxiety. But it's not the only thing going on.""How does my brain work?"Zola liked to know why. She liked to know how and why things worked the way they did. She had questions and follow up questions. And even after she'd research on her own and come up with more. She was insatiable for information."Well it's a form of neurodiversity," he began to explain, "Your mind is wired to synthesize information more effectively and quicker compared to the brain of an average person your age.""How does it do that?'"Your brain has a higher volume of grey matter in different parts of your brain." he continued, "There are other factors like brain plasticity or how the connections on your brain are created. It helps you process information faster."Zola nodded, "And the other reason I have panic attacks is trauma right?"So much. So much trauma. Her life had been full of it that Derek and Meredith had so much guilt."It is," Derek nodded slowly, "You've seen a lot. You've gone through a lot. And I'm sorry about that, Zo. Your mom and I never meant to-"Zola smiled, "It's okay. I know you didn't mean to."Zola was patient, kind, respectful, and empathetic. It was like she could feel their emotions and with a simple gaze, the world was at peace. This little girl that the universe brought to them, had brought a peace Meredith and Derek could never imagine. The lease they could do was find that for her."Yeah," he watched as she drank her hot chocolate and sighed, "What's wrong with the school? Why didn't you like it?"Zola picked at the croissant and grimaced a little."Well, the teachers seem great," Zola reluctantly answered, "The programs seem pretty cool but the kids are snobby. I don't think I'd make many friends there.""Really?""Mmhm," Zola sipped her drink again.Derek watched her, "Well then that's not our school?""Wait, we can't leave Seattle," Zola's eyes shot up to look at him, "What about Ellis and Bailey? They're gonna hate me-""Zola, Bailey is punching kids in the face defending you," Derek explained. His daughter raised her brows. She knew her brother had punched that stupid kid, rumors spread fast nowadays and everyone talked at the school. And when she got home, she knew that her father's reaction was not a good one, "And Ellis- well our work may be cut out for us there but I'm sure she'll understand."Zola chuckled a little as she thought of her sister. She had wanted a baby sister for so long and when she finally got her, she couldn't love her any more. Even if they were widely different."What if I like a school in New York?," Zola asked with worry in her voice, "They're gonna hate me and I don't want them to hate me..""They won't hate you. You're their sister," Derek shook his head, "Besides your mom and I are gonna figure it out. We always do, you know that."Zola remained unconvinced."If your mom and I teach you and your siblings anything is that you will always have each other," he explained, "As long as you respect your differences and appreciate them, you will always have each other."He wasn't the best at that. His sisters were terrible at it. Except Amelia. Amelia had been the good one despite the difficult path she had endured. She loved all her siblings- at a distance- but she loved them anyways. Even if she didn't always like them."Like Mom and her sisters?" Zola grinned, "And you and Aunt Amy?""Yeah, exactly, like that," Derek smiled as he watched his daughter drink another sip of her hot chocolate."Mr. Jaffee, how are you feeling?" Meredith entered her patients' room with two interns tagging along; Dr. Lucas Adams and Dr. Simone Griffith."Tell me good news!" the old man wore a fisherman's hat. He'd been waiting on a kidney for some time now and Meredith had been the attending on the chart. One of the few she'd been on now that she was chief.She missed being on the constant run of things but someone had to run the damn place."Dr. Griffith?" Meredith turned to her intern expecting a run down. The intern went on and on about the patient. Simon Jafee, end-renal disease."We need a pre-op chest x-ray and an EKG and we should be good to go," Simone smiled."You are gonna need to lose the hat for the surgery," Meredith smiled at her patient as she eyed the khaki thing on his head."Oh but my late wife gave it to me. It was a gift!" the man whined, "You know I caught 22 prize-winning bluegills in it!"Meredith laughed, "It's like I'm listening to my kid and my husband.""They fish? So they know how important it is to keep a lucky charm close." Mr. Jafee's face lit up like a kid during Christmas. He was hoping his doctor would be more understanding but his smile fell as he watched her shake her head."Yes, but my husband's also a surgeon and he would tell you that the hat's gotta go. So?" Meredith gestured to the hat, "It's done its job. It's time."As the man removed his fishing hat, a large, red, swollen, bump was revealed at the top of its head. Both doctors stared at it with confusion, "Okay, well-""It showed up a few months ago," he sighed defeatedly.Meredith nodded, "Okay well we're gonna need neuro to take a look. Unfortunately we cannot-""I called the grandchildren. Should I have waited?," he shook his head, "I was scared to come in because-""You thought you'd get kicked off the transplant list," Lucas finished absentmindedly.Meredith glared at the young doctor before turning to her patient, "Mr. Jaffee, we're gonna run a few tests before we can even begin with the transplant."The patient defeatedly leaned back into the bed as both doctor's exited. Meredith turned to Adams, "We're gonna need to run Oncology tests on this mass right now, pet scans asap with renal precautions, and you'll need ortho and neuro consults as well."Simone wrote in her notebook as Lucas stared at her notes."Adams, that was for you. What are you still doing here, go," Meredith commanded, "Find Shepherd and Lincoln!"Lucas nodded and scrambled away as Griffith nodded and made her way behind him."Dr. Griffith?""Yes, chief?""How is your grandmother? I haven't checked in-""She's good. Thanks for asking chief.""Okay," Meredith nodded, "Page me as soon as the consults and tests are ready."Simone nodded.This was Meredith's first and possibly one of her only surgeries of the week. She didn't expect it to go so wrong so fast. As she entered her office she removed her coat and sat on her chair and sighed deeply. Her phone beeped with a text message.A picture of Zola greeted her. She was drinking from a white mug looking straight at the camera with a smile on her face.Meredith smiled at the picture. Her daughter was with her father and apparently on a daddy daughter date."Hey," Maggie opened the door to Meredith's office and smiled, "I heard what happened a few nights ago, how's Zola doing?"Meredith looked up and sighed, "She's looking at a school today. SeaTac Science Academy, Derek's with her now. It's supposed to be the best in Seattle so we started there.""How'd she take it? Change like that can also be triggering."Meredith sighed. She knew what that was like when Ellis Grey took her in the middle of the night and ran out to Boston. But Meredith wasn't running. Meredith was searching. She was searching for the right thing."I know, it's what started this last year," Meredith sighed, "But we're starting here so she knows that we want her to feel comfortable.""And if she hates it? Are you considering her having to skip grades?""No," Meredith shook her head, "But we are offering her a chance to look into schools out of state. We have a few tours set up in different places. New Hampshire, New York, Boston-""Boston? You're looking into Boston?""I hate the idea of it, but it's Zozo," Meredith grimaced, "And I'd do anything for my kids you know that."Maggie leaned back and nodded."Are you gonna yell at me now for potentially moving? Or am I going to get the silent treatment?" Meredith raised a brow at her sister."No," Maggie scoffed, "Look I get it. It's your daughter- and I love your kids. I think you're doing the right thing.""Wow, look at you being all mature about it," Meredith gaped, "Okay what did you need? You came here for something other than to check on my kid.""I did," Maggie sighed, "The interns. Derek assigned Adams to me last week-""I know," Meredith raised a brow, "They're following their rotation schedule. I get it every week and he updates me on changes.""I know that except," Maggie sighed, "Adams is a little slow. I'm worried about him-""Okay, I get you've been having Winston do your rounding and scut work but you gotta give these kids a shot," Meredith debated, "It's how they learn.""No, Mer, that's not it," Maggie shook her head, "I'm worried that Derek is being a little too soft on him because he's a Shepherd."And there it was. She knew that it was too easy. She had a feeling it would break. Or at least crack."Derek? Soft? What makes you say that?""His sutures need work. He can't keep procedures memorized for the life of him-""Okay, let me ge this straight," Meredith raised a finger as she stopped her from listing anything else, "You are accusing Dr. Shepherd of taking advantage of his position as Director of the Residency Program to benefit his nephew? You think he's letting Adams slack off? That's what I'm hearing.""No- No! I mean," Maggie sighed, "Look, I know that they were close and I just want to make sure that we-.""He is tough on Lucas. You saw how he hesitated letting back into the O.R. after mixing up patient's next of kin-""Well that was earlier when he first got here," Maggie insisted, "I just worry that he may be getting pulled back in fear that he'll do something wrong. He was on Derek's service for two weeks."Meredith sighed. This was always the hard part. Working with the spouse. It wasn't all butterflies and rainbows and it wasn't always as easy as they made it out to be. It also didn't help that though they cared for each other deeply, Maggie and Derek were both competitive and sometimes they'd but heads- as attendings."I made the choice to hire Lucas. Derek and Amelia both fought me on it," Meredith whispered."I know. I remember how hard they were on him on his first day," Maggie agreed, "But I also know that now he's living in your house and-"Meredith clenched her teeth. She had been the one to push Derek to welcome his nephew to their home. The kid needed people. He needed his family and his uncle if he was going to survive the game.Maybe she had been wrong. Maybe Derek had been right when he told her it was too much for Lucas."Dr. Pierce, I will look into it," Chief Grey answered, "Thank you.""Mer," Maggie sighed, "Derek's like my brother. You know that. And Amy is my sister. But I-"Another sound rang through her phone."Dr. Pierce," Meredith stood from her desk, "I have a patient.""Please tell me you have good news," Meredith opened the door to the exam room and stood behind Amelia."Osteosarcoma," Link grimaced, "Sorry."Meredith stomped angrily-much like her youngest, "Dammit. Okay well what can we do?""Not much. It involves the frontal and occipital bone-""Such a pretty tumor just plopped there," Amelia shook her head, "Hello!""Well even if you can remove it-""I can!" Amelia grinned, "I do brains and those margins are gorgeous."Meredith rolled her eyes. She was in the middle of a spat between two excellent doctors who worked very well together but also fought to even agree on one miniscule thing. This wasn't miniscule. This was big. They could go on for hours."But there's nothing to close it. A rotational flap wouldn't work here," Link shook his head, "His immune system is compromised and a wound that big would worsen it. It would kick him off the transplant list."Meredith sighed before turning to the interns, "Both of you hit the books. Now. Find me something because we only have twenty-four hours."Amelia turned to the interns and back to Link as she listened to their chief's orders.Adams spoke up, "Where should we-""Seriously Adams?" Meredith rolled her eyes, "Go get everyone and search. Now!"The interns ran out of the room."Woah," Link raised his brows, "I haven't heard you yell at interns that way in a long time.""Yeah, I kinda missed it," Amelia questioned.Meredith sighed, "A doctor approached me saying that preferential treatment may be given to one of those two-""Adams," Link and Amelia answered in tandem."Wait, what do you know?" Meredith asked.Link shook his head, "Well he's a little-""He's trying, okay," Amelia stopped him, "He's trying."Meredith leaned on both chairs, "What about Derek? How's he doing as the director. I'm asking as chief."Link shifted uncomfortably."I like him. Derek's good and the interns respect him. And I'm not saying that because he's my kid's uncle," Link sighed, "Why?""You don't think Adams is getting preferential treatment?" Meredith paced, "Derek isn't playing favorites?"Link said nothing. And neither did Amelia."Lincoln?" Meredith insisted."I'm not sure," Link stuttered but turned to look at her, "But I think Derek may be part of the reason why he's falling behind."Meredith took notice how Amelia froze, "What do you mean?"Link glanced at Amelia and turned to Meredith again, "I know he's your nephew- and I know it may be hard for Derek to-""Spit it out, Link," Meredith gritted."His skills are not up to the same level as the rest of his class," Link quickly stated, "Dr. Shepherd may be a little forgiving due to the personal connection. I think he may be overprotecti-""He is not," Amelia stood from her seat and made her way out of the room, "And Lucas is trying. He'll get there, just give him time.""What about a rotational flap?"Simone rolled her eyes as she looked up from her book, "Didn't you hear Dr. Lincoln? He said it no.""Right, right," Lucas sighed as he continued scrolling through his laptop."Hey, aren't you supposed to know this already?" Kwan turned to him, "I mean seriously, what's up? Why are you here. You could've chosen any other program but you went with this?"Yasuda chuckled, "Yeah. We're here because we had no other choice."Lucas shook his head as he kept his eyes on the screen, "I'm not here because I have family here if that's what you're thinking.""You sure?" Jules looked up from her research, "With the names Shepherd and Grey in the family, I'm sure they could've set you up anywhere-"Lucas slammed his laptop, "That's just it! I don't want to rely on them. You don't think me being here is enough? That it isn't embarrassing? I didn't want you to know-""Okay, relax," Kwan chuckled, "We all got our own issues."Lucas breathed heavily. The truth was, he didn't have many options after med school. Grey Sloan was his only option after he didn't match to anything. Anything at all. He wasn't top of his class. Probably not even the middle. He had been widely surprised with an email from Grey Sloan had arrived but disappointed when he saw the signature at the bottom. Dr. Meredith Grey. He knew that name. He'd met her once long ago and she had been distant. But he saw how his uncle had been besotted with her- and how distant he had been with everyone else.When he agreed to a meeting, she promised his family connections had nothing to do with her decision. In fact, she didn't even pass it through her husband yet. This was his decision and his alone. So he agreed with the condition that his family connections remain private.Lucas Shep Adams had been the disappointment of his parents his whole life. And even though he knew no one had any expectations for him as a Shepherd, he still wanted the glory they all had. And he was determined to prove everyone wrong. And get rid of the damn chip on his shoulder.The rest of the interns watched as he calmed down and opened his laptop again."I don't know how you do it," Simone whispered, "I would crack under that pressure, I would-"She turned to him only to find his incredibly annoyed eyes on hers, "I just- they're a part of you and you don't want-"Lucas stared at her. Clearly whatever was on her mind had disappeared and another thought had taken over, "What? Griffith, what's wrong?""Oh my god, I got it!" She threw a book on the floor and climbed up the stairs.Lucas stared at her as Kwan's voice called him back."And another one bites the dust," he teased, "Your aunt will be happy to have her scrub in.""Scull and scalp transplant," Amelia stared at the images in front of her, "What do you think, Link?"Meredith watched as the two doctors debated."I've never done it but these studies are clear and concise," he nodded, "I think we can pull it off."He turned to the intern at the door, "Nice work, Griffith."Lucas' gaze remained on the floor. He didn't have to look up to know that Simone was proudly smiling. And that the chief had a glimmer of disappointment."Okay," Meredith nodded, "You two start on the tumor. Griffith your're scrubbing in with Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Lincoln."Simone blinked. It was a once in a lifetime procedure. One only done a handful of times and she'd get to scrub in."Dr. Grey-" Adams began to ask before she turned to him."Dr. Adams," Meredith turned to him, "You're scrubbing in with me."The young doctor nodded as he followed her. They scrubbed in silence unless she asked any procedural questions. He answered them after taking at least a two to three second pause throughout each step she took.Meredith looked up from her work, "Adams bring the kidney."Lucas lifted the tray and carefully took it to her. He watched as she meticulously took it and placed it in it's new home.This is what he wanted. To save lives and make a difference."What am I doing?" her voice pierced his thoughts."Oh uh, you are preparing the vessels for anastomosis," he nodded."Good," Meredith looked up at him as she continued to work, "You were slow today, Adams.""I just-I-" he stammered, "Sorry Dr. Grey, I'll uh-""Stop apologizing," Meredith looked at him, "Listen, I like you. You know I do. I went to bat for you against my guy-""Yeah, he was pretty mad at you when you brought me here," Lucas chuckled.Meredith giggled, "Lucas, I can't be your aunt in these walls.""I know that-""So you gotta prove you deserve to be here," Meredith looked up, "Don't make me regret it."Adams took his eyes off her steady hands and glared at her, "Yes, chief."Meredith went back to work. She truly hoped he did.Meredith opened the door to her home. Her home where she wasn't chief. Where Dr. Grey was put away and the title of wife and mom were resounding between each wall.A trio of faces greeted her from the breakfast bar and a handsome grin smiled at her."Hey," Derek grinned as he looked up from whatever he was chopping, "Welcome home, how was your day?"Meredith sighed in relief. It was like a bucket of corny sunshine had been thrown at her, and she wouldn't have it any other way. A pair of little arms ran her way and enveloped around her waist. Ellis squeezed her tightly before running back to her original spot."I am happy I am finally home. My kidney transplant went south but your sister and her baby daddy came to the rescue so," Meredith smiled at the warm smells of whatever was on the stove, "I am right on time for dinner.""We'll set the table, c'mon Bails," Zola smiled as she and her brother jumped off."Bailey how was school?" Meredith called out as she reached to her husband and gently kissed him."It was good," Bailey turned to look at her as he took the place mats from the cabinet, "No one punched anyone.""And it's not gonna happen again, right?" Derek looked towards his direction."I already said no, dad," Bailey sighed, "I promised.""Good," Derek watched as Meredith opened one pot, "Don't touch, you'll burn it."Meredith playfully stuck her tongue out at him and continued roaming."Ellie you want to help me finish this?" Derek turned to his daughter- who had proudly proclaimed she would become a chef. Since then, he always offered her to join him even if it had been for the smallest of things. He lived for her grins. Her smiles and giggles because he had wanted that baby for such a long time."No," Ellis burst the bubble with her high pitched voice. Derek turned to look at her, surprised at her answer."W-wait," he stuttered, "Don't you wanna-""No, thank you Daddy," Ellis repeated as she ran off to the dining table and helped her siblings.Meredith bit her lip as she had tried to suppress a slight laugh. She knew her daughter had been a daddy's girl since the second she had landed into this planet. Otherwise, she wouldn't have put her in such distress on the day of her birth.And her husband had been equally besotted with her that the heartbreak was clearly evident on his face."I can help," Meredith offered, "Put me to work."Derek watched his daughter for a second with a confused look. Something was wrong."Hey, Ellie," he called out, "You okay, baby girl?"Ellis turned from the table and smiled, "I'm okay."Meredith stuck a carrot in her mouth and watched her husbands heart slightly break. She had watched him be the father she always knew he'd be. Kind, generous, doting, loving. All things that she always wanted in one. She loved that her children had that. And she loved to see him in that role.But with the role of a parent, heartbreak followed. In the years that passed and they realized their children no longer called them mamma or dada. In the moments where they no longer needed to hold their hand so they could walk on their own. When they had that silly fifth grade culmination and they went off to middle school. They felt that heartbreak with their two eldest. They had yet to suffer so much with Ellis, but now it seemed her husband had his first crack."Whatever this is, it's gonna burn," Meredith called to him with a slight tease in her voice, "And it won't be my fault."Derek didn't budge for a moment."You can whisper instructions in my ear like the good ol' days," Meredith whispered, "Discreetly because the three little Grey-Shepherds are around."Derek turned to look at her and smiled, "Drain the pasta for me please?"Meredith smiled and followed instructions before he walked up behind her and whispered in her ear what came next.Some things never changed."It was a mass on the very top of his head and the poor man hid it under his hat. So Griffith found an article Callie wrote from years ago-" Meredith's voice echoed from the bathroom."Skull and scalp transplant? I remember that one, it was pretty impressive," Derek pulled on his pajama as he listened to his wife go on about her successful day from the bedroom."That's the one!" Meredith walked out of the bathroom and lied on the bed, "So now Mr. Jaffee has a new kidney and no mass.""Amy got clear margins?" Derek took off his watch and made his way to the bathroom and proceeded to brush his teeth."She did," Meredith sighed as she closed her eyes, "It's the first time I've scrubbed in on a surgery in a week and I feel good about it."She stared at the ceiling and smiled, "His kids and grandchildren were in the room after the surgery and he was so happy to have them all in there.""Sounds like a lucky man," Derek asked from the bathroom, "How'd Griffith do? She scrubbed in with Amy right?"Meredith opened her eyes as Maggie's words rang in her ears, "She was good.""Adams? He didn't screw up?" He rinsed his mouth and placed the brush in its place."He scrubbed in with me," she quietly muttered. Meredith closed her mouth as she watched him from a distance, "Derek-""Ellis blew me off. Did you hear that?," Derek muttered as he flopped on the bed beside her, "Ellis Grey Shepherd blew me off."All other thoughts evaporated as Meredith giggled and popped her head on her hand as she faced him, "Derek, she's eight. She's growing up, it was part of the deal.""She always humors me. She never blows me off. She knows all my tricks back and forth and she still humors me," he exclaimed, "She blew me off. She literally kicked me to the curb with no remorse in sight."Meredith rolled her eyes at her overdramatic husband.Dinner had been the usual. Banter between the siblings. The kids making fun of their father. A run down of their days along with the clatter of their dishes."Get used to it," Meredith giggled again, "How was Zola's day?""She hates SeaTac Science," Derek admitted, "She said the kids were snobby.""Snobby?""Yeah," Derek sighed, "And then she said she was scared that Bailey and Ellis would hate her if she liked a school somewhere else.""But why would they hate her?"Derek sighed before he could answer.Siblings were…strange. He knew that, he had four of them plus Mark. Sometimes they adored each other and sometimes they were ready to snap each other's head off. They could be insanely similar and widely different. Overprotective and completely dismissive. Such complicated things."Same reason why Amy and I were at each other's throats all those years-""Yes but you and your sister's fights were trauma induc-" A sudden realization hit her as her husband watched her face contour in understanding, "Oh."Zola was the oldest sibling and they could both relate to that on some level. She tried to protect her siblings every time something went wrong. She didn't acknowledge that she too was still a kid because the responsibility of being the eldest was never ending. They'd overlooked it. They'd forgotten that their shared trauma was also trauma on her. And sometimes, being the oldest meant butting heads with siblings."Yeah, our kids have been hit with some sort of trauma but," Derek sighed, "every time something happens to either you or me, she steps up and tries to shield them from everything. She tries to protect them as best she can and takes the short end of the stick."Meredith sighed as she thought about how Zola had stepped up when she had been in a coma. Derek had told her she insisted on keeping from the kids because they were "just to young to understand." The burden she carried was big."I would try to keep Amy in a bubble when she was a kid," Derek shook his head as he thought back to their childhood, "And she found every possible way to pop it - because she wanted my mom's attention- until she got in deep and the drugs and alcohol started."Meredith watched the light leave his eyes."And then I just," he sighed, "I left her alone.""It wasn't your fault and you did the best you could," Meredith whispered as she thought about her kids."Yeah."Meredith stared off into the distance for a moment. The silence of the moment made her think about the times her mother had left her behind in moments she felt she needed her the most. Conferences. Lectures. Surgeries. All of those took precedence over her. Ellis Grey wanted surgery and surgery only."I wish I had been a better sister to Lexie," Meredith whispered, "Sometimes, I think about how she just popped into my life and I did was push her away."Derek shifted and stared. Lexie Grey was an unspoken topic. He could count on his hands how many times she had spoken about her late sister since she had passed in the terrifying plane crash. He had been surprised when she didn't bring up naming their youngest after her. He had expected her to at least toy with the idea and the instant he brought it up, he was shot down with a glare."I was mad at Thatcher," she continued as she swallowed a lump of guilt, "I was angry that he had walked away and that everything I didn't have she did. I was mad that Thatcher had chosen her and that he forgot I was the one in the red wagon in that old picture. I told her to get her own life.""And I was angry with Maggie because Ellis did the right thing by her," Meredith's voice cracked, "And even though we share the same mother our childhoods were different. I got the short stick there too.""You were a kid," he whispered as his thumb wiped a tear away, "Your parent's mistakes are not your fault."For a moment, the pair sat in silence. Being a sibling- an older brother, an older sister- was riddled with moments of confusion. And they didn't want that for their children."What if we take them with us? The three little Shepherds? We can make it a family trip or whatever."Derek pondered for a second at her sudden change of topic, "Well, we said you'd go to New York and I'd go to Boston with Zo and we could both go to New Hampshire-""You just don't want to go to New York because your mother will force you to go see her," Meredith rolled her eyes, "Nice try, Shepherd.""So? You don't want to go to Boston either, Grey. The whole scheduling conflict excuse is bullshit and you know it.""I have no idea what you're talking about," she rolled her eyes, "Okay fine. We can reschedule her tours to be within a week. We could both go to Boston and New York and you'd have the perfect excuse to avoid Carolyn," she smiled, "You'd be too busy looking at schools for your daughter and taking us on ferry boat rides.""See, you do love me," Derek grinned as he pulled her on top of him."Why did Dad say you punched someone in the face for me?" Zola appeared out of nowhere. She hovered over her brother as he sat by a lunch table with a group of friends.They could be the closest of allies. At home. They could be on the same team. At home. They were often coming up with all sorts of plans to get their parents. At home.But at school, they were on their own. The age difference sometimes stuck out and Zola couldn't be seen with her brother for the life of her. Bailey was also staying clear from his sister- who tended to be overly bossy. He didn't need that at school."You already knew I got grounded," Bailey stuck a carrot into his mouth but kept his eyes on his tray, "You know everything that happens-""Yeah, but you said it had nothing to do with what stupid Benjamin said," Zola insisted. She sat across from him, "Why did you punch him?""You don't need to know everything, Zo" Bailey rolled his eyes, "Also, you don't know what he said so-.""He said I wasn't really your sister after he made fun of me for having a panic attack," Zola stared her brother down."How did you know?" Bailey furrowed his brows."I know everything," Zola rolled her eyes, "Besides, jokes on him, I have a higher gpa and he didn't win the scholarship either."Zola tilted her head confidently as Bailey rolled his eyes. If anything, Zola was the most confident of the three. She was the smartest and the wittiest. She was never in trouble and everything she did was the best. She had both her parents' ear and Bailey began to feel a tinge of jealousy over it.Until recently. He'd never seen his sister cry the way stupid Benjamin had described it. He'd never seen her walk into the house so upset. And he'd never seen his parents so worried.Bailey continued eating his food without looking up at her. He let out a sigh before looking at her, "You are my sister, Zo. I got your back."Zola smiled briefly at her brother, "Thanks.""Now can you please go? We were in the middle of a game!"
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"Mrs. Collins?" Amelia asked nervously, "Would you like me to run the last test again?""I would like you to run all the tests again," the woman gritted through her teeth as she gripped her son's limp hand. He had been declared brain dead hours ago and the intern had delivered the news- to the wrong family.
The intern gripped on Dr. Shepherd's arm and pulled her away to whisper, "This is Dr. Grey's triple organ transplant."
Amelia froze. This had been a surgery Meredith had been carefully working on and clinging on to hope for such a long time. And the family had nearly lost every drop of it until today.
She turned her head slowly and stared at him, "Then you had better go talk to Dr. Grey."
The intern gulped and ran down the stairs. He couldn't run fast enough and he could hear the footsteps of another intern running behind him.
As he reached the destination, he paused. Dr. Grey was being embraced by a family who was profusely thanking her.
"She's getting all three organs? All three? Are you sure?""They should be starting on the recovery soon," Chief Grey assured them, "Dr. Bailey will be performing the surgery-"
Lucas knocked on the window. She immediately turned and whatever smile was on her face, instantly fell.
He explained everything. He had screwed up. He had royally screwed up on his first day.
"Say it again, I want to make sure I understand." Meredith crossed her arms and stared at the intern. She couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth."I spoke with the wrong family so Liam's mom almost didn't get a chance to say goodbye so she's-she's upset." Dr. Adams cleared his throat. His left hand twisted his fingers on his hand. Chief Grey was intimidating to say the least. She was a no nonsense kind of person and she had just given them a long speech filled with expectations. He couldn't look her in the eye without feeling like he was about to hurl with embarrassment."I'm sure upset doesn't begin to cover it," Chief Grey glared angrily, "Is she saying goodbye now?""No." Adams shook his head.
Meredith paced from one side to the other, "I need more, Adams."
He looked up to meet her eyes. The warmth that Lucas once saw all those years ago, was all gone. She was angry and rightfully so. But something- someone else caught his attention. He looked over Meredith's shoulder to the man standing by the nurses station. He saw how he was listening intently as he placed his lamplight inside the pocket of his coat. Lucas knew the man well. He knew that glare. He knew that the look he was giving him was a look of disappointment. He'd very rarely seen it. And when he did, it was never directed at him. He recognized the steel blue stare and could practically hear the man's thoughts. Lucas knew he didn't want him here. At least he assumed he didn't. He hadn't even heard from him since he had last left New York. And even after his accident, he didn't keep in touch much. A far cry from his childhood years when he saw the man often. When baseball games were a norm between them.
Lucas gulped and turned back to the chief, "I-I-I'm sorry-"
"This isn't about you. We don't have time to make you feel better," the man called out as he approached them, "What the hell did you do? What did you screw up?"
Lucas stared at Dr. Derek Shepherd with his mouth open. He could feel it grow dry as it stood ajar with no words coming out.
Dr. Grey turned to the second intern, "Griffith?"
"The mom asked Dr. Shepherd to run all of the tests again," Dr. Griffith explained, "She's doing that right now.""And?" the other Dr. Shepherd asked."It felt like if she didn't, the organs wouldn't be donated" Griffith briefly glanced at him before turning to the two attendings."I just told my patient and her family that we found a match," the chief turned to the attending. The interns didn't miss how his gaze softened when her eyes met his."I know," he whispered.
Dr. Grey shook her head as she turned back to Dr. Adams, "What's the status of the patient?"
"He's uh brain dead-" Lucas stuttered."Yes. Obviously, thank you for that," Derek muttered, "She's talking about his vitals."
Lucas gulped again as his eyes looked around searching for an answer.
"Do you understand why I'm asking that?" Meredith exclaimed, "If the patient codes, if his heart stops-""You will be the one to tell that family that whatever hope they had- their one in a million match- just got wasted because of your mistake. Because you screwed up!"
Lucas' eyes fluttered between each of the doctors.
"Why are you still here? Go help Dr. Shepherd!" Dr. Grey ordered.
Lucas ran out of the room. He stopped briefly feeling like the room was spinning. And the breakfast he had that morning, was hurled into the nearest trash can.
"Five minutes?" Meredith stared at the bunch with a pair of scissors in her hand, "Five full minutes. It took you five minutes to respond to a trauma page? Shepherd, what kind of interns are you training here?""Guys, what have we talked about," Derek reprimanded, "Every single minute you're not in here is a minute you've wasted."Despite their challenges, he'd grown fond of the bunch. It brought him back to his own intern years and he was overwhelmed with pride when he watched them learn. Still, they needed all the help they could get, and honestly, he wasn't always sure he was the one who should be helping them."We heard there was a trauma," Kwan looked around at the room full with gurneys with bodies, "Where's the trauma?""If there was one, your patient would already be dead," Derek deadpanned, "Every year, Dr. Hunt sets up trauma training in the parking lot-""There are dummies, rain, and lots and lots of opportunities to fail," Meredith paced around and turned to the interns, "With purpose."Derek watched as she began to play with a pair of forceps she retrieved from a box. She stared at it for a while before throwing them back into the bin of instruments the interns would be using. She hadn't performed a surgery in a while, he could see it. And he'd read the board. She had been a little restless."But, we're in the age of minimally invasive treatment on open wounds- which is great- but doesn't help train young interns with little to no training," Owen continued."And you, brilliant minds of tomorrow, need all the training you can get, so," Derek pulled the sheet on the table in front of him, "We give you real cadavers. Fresh tissue, fake blood. The closest thing you'll get to a real body.""Surprise!" Meredith cheered sarcastically."And what are we supposed to do?" Lucas asked incredulously."Save him," Derek crossed his arms, "Dr. Hunt?"32-year-old male, stab wound to the left chest. B.P. is 90/40, tachy in the 120s, sats in the high 80s, Owen walked towards the cadaver and pulled on the knife to the side of its torso, "Let's go, you're wasting time!"The interns ran towards the gowns hanging on the racks as the attendings watched amusingly. The room was bustling with five overly eager, competitive interns who were fighting over who was right, what to do first, and who would do it."Geez, Shepherd," Owen shook his head, "When you said you needed help, I didn't think it'd be this bad."Derek shook his head. He'd done what he could the batch over the last few months but truthfully, they were focused on competing with each other and that never boded well for a hospital. He was hoping this would get them to pull their heads from wherever they were and force them to finally look each other in the eye and work in tandem."I warned you," Derek shook his head, "Honestly, I'm surprised the chief here hasn't fired me. Hey, don't you have chief things to do?"The chief had been sitting on top of the table next to the surgical instruments. She shook her head and turned to her two attendings, "They will get there. They just need time.""I don't think we have time," Derek muttered. The interns continued to fight against each other as the door opened revealing Winston walking towards them."Heard there was a trauma training with real cadavers," Winston watched as he approached the attendings, "Thought it was a lie.""Are you hiding from your wife again?" Derek asked as Meredith pushed on his shoulder, silently chiding him. Derek turned to her with a shrug, "What?""Keep me updated with their progress," Meredith rolled her eyes as she jumped off the table, "Winston, can you help these guys out? Before I fire both of them."Derek and Owen chuckled amusingly. They'd both seen Meredith Grey come far and high from where she started. One half of the twisted sisters was now their boss."You got it chief," Winston nodded as Meredith left the room. He turned to Derek and sighed, "How do you do it, man? How the heck are you two making it work?"Derek furrowed his brows, "What? Married and working together? Oh you should have seen us a few years ago, we were at each other's throats."Owen chuckled, "Yeah, you two were a sight. I'm surprised you're handling the Meredith being your boss thing so well.""I got bigger things to worry about now," Derek shook his head. Honestly, his children had been his bigger concern as of late. It rarely gave him time to really see that Meredith was his superior. If you asked him years ago, it would've been a blow to the massive ego he carried.The interns' bickering called his attention and those thoughts disappeared once more."We need access to give him blood," Jules commanded.Kwan shook his head, "So let's prep for an IJ.""That's where he's-""What about the entry wound," Yasuda asked."Beep, Beep, Beep," Winston called out. He could tell his sounds were only aggravating the interns more, but it kept them on their toes."Your patient's dying, BP is 60/40 still," Derek added, "These guys need an incentive.""I got one," Winston whispered, "Whoever uses the best critical-thinking skills on your patient will scrub in with me on an ax-fem bypass tomorrow."It was like a light switch had been turned on. The once irritated, overly worked interns had a shiny new toy they could fight over.Kwan eyes each one of the fellow competitors hovering over the cadaver, "I'm gonna do an emergency thoracotomy!""Not if I do it first!" Another yelled.Lucas stepped back and sighed deeply. He couldn't get a break. A thoracotomy hadn't even crossed his mind and now he felt out of his depths.Derek hung his head in disappointment at the four interns fighting against each other rather than working together to save a life.He looked up at his nephew, who stood over the cadaver quietly watching. Observing. Derek could tell that his mind was turning its gears. He wasn't just watching. He was taking it all in because he knew his patient would need something more.He just hoped Lucas wouldn't be too late.Winston broke him away from his thoughts, "I am running from the wife."Derek looked up at him, "You okay?""She treats me like a resident and I paid my dues, you know? I paid them at Tufts. I paid them while working under Maggie," Winston sighed, "She has comments on my surgical technique, everything! Even at home."Derek chuckled lightly, "Maggie is a perfectionist. She has always been the best and she likes things done right. You guys have been married for less than two years-""Then why does it feel like-," Winston shook his head, "Sorry, I know she's Meredith's-"Derek shook his head. The sisters could be very similar and very different. But he'd come to know the both of them quite well, and had butted heads with his sister in law a few times. Both on the professional front and personal front. But deep down, they both cared for one another deeply.A page went off and all five interns looked up to check.Dr. Simone Griffith pulled her gloves off and turned to the attendings. "Dr. Shepherd, it's the chief-"Derek nodded, "Go. Run. Get there in less than the time it took you to get here."Griffith ran out of the room as the rest of the interns returned to their work. Another phone went off. This time it was Winston's. The annoyed look on his face told him everything he needed to know."We did therapy on and off," Derek added, "But before that, work got in the way. I got a job out of state and took it. Mer was thriving here, and we were pretending everything was fine when it wasn't. It just got out of our hands- my hands."Winston turned to him and listened. Any advice was good- especially from the pair he respected."And last year, the job in Minnesota was also a strain but," Derek shook his head as he thought back to the many fights he and his wife had, "Don't let your ego get in the way. It's the worst thing you can do."He turned back to the interns. Lucas once again watched as Yasuda and Kwan shouted at each other. Milin tried to get her word in to no avail."These guys are gonna make me quit," Derek muttered, "Hunt, how are they doing?"Owen turned to him with a grim look, "They killed the patient."The elevator doors opened as Meredith stepped off and was greeted by the busyness of the emergency room.She walked towards the nurses station where Maggie was standing, "You paged?""We need a quick consult, Link is already in there and I have a surgery I need-" Maggie handed her the tablet before a man walked up to them."Where's Jarah? How-how-"Maggie sighed, "He is on his way to the O.R. He's losing a lot of blood and I will be sending an intern with some updates.""I'll have Dr. Shepherd let Dr. Griffith come down to provide that," Meredith looked up briefly as she reached for her phone, "I'm Dr. Grey, Chief of Surgery and I'll make sure you get upda-""He should be arrested," another man approached them. His face was seething with anger and frustration. Meredith could tell that he was upset and was holding back from attacking Jarah's father, "And you are-""He's the father of the other patient-""His kid gave my kid drugs," the man accused, "and now–and now he's got a broken leg-"Meredith stepped forward in an attempt to calm both of them. It would be a failed effort as both parents were agitated and desperate."My kid? They were at your house! Jarah doesn't even-"Meredith put her hands between them as she turned to Maggie, "Get security and get to your O.R."The men continued to shout over each other.Your child! Your son! Your fault! You You! You!Accusations of being a terrible father and being absent were hurled at one another. Emotions were heightened and she knew the feeling. But not as grave as this."Alright, alright, stop! Just stop!" Meredith shouted as she pushed the both of them away, "Both of you shut it! Do you know how hard it is to be a parent? You both do! I know you do!"Meredith's voice reached their level as she breathed heavily, "One minute they're small and tiny and laughing at all the stupid things you do and the next they're having panic attacks! They're fighting with kids at school and pushing you away!""No one gives you a manual! No one gives you a handbook. Every single one of us is out there in the dark raising these kids and doing the best we can. The men turned to each other as they listened to her, "I'm sorry your kids did this, I am. But right now, it doesn't matter who brought what."Both parents listened to her words. Parenthood was a shot in the dark most of the time. Every single one did what they could based on what they had. Sometimes it was great. Sometimes the choices parents made were terrible. But she was right, there was no manual. No guidebook."What matters is that they are alive- and that they stay alive!" Meredith sighed and licked her lips, "Can you please just- we're gonna do what we can to make sure you both take your kids home. Okay?"The men glanced at each other before one of them walked away. Jarah's father watched him leave the room and turned to Meredith with his eyes watering- filled with terror."Please," he begged, "Please save my son."Meredith's mind briefly thought about her own children. Zola. Ellis. And Bailey. She didn't know what she'd do if she was in his shoes. If one of her own was laying on an O.R. table fighting for their life, "We're gonna do the best we can.""Who did the tie?" Owen asked as the three men inspected the body.Kwan raised his hand proudly, "I did.""You left an air knot," Winston observed, "You also didn't take the time to do a proper assessment. You all just zoomed in on the obvious injury.""Well if Milin hadn't-" Kwan began."You know what Blue?" she defended herself before the rest of the pack yelled.Your fault. You did this. You did that. It's your fault."You know what? Why are we even fighting over this?" Kwan yelled, "This is a training exercise!""Can you just tell us what we did wrong?" Yasuda insisted."We could," Derek shook his head, "But now you gotta go tell the patient's family that your patient is dead. And their death is on your hands."A darkness enveloped the room."You gotta go tell his wife that her husband isn't coming back. He has, let's see, two young girls. And now he won't see one of them go off to college and the other start high school." Derek approached the interns slowly as he took in the faces of each intern. The startling realization that they weren't just practicing anymore had hit them. And that's exactly what he wanted."His mother's still alive and she is out of the state so who knows when she'll say goodbye and his brother's are going to have to cancel the fishing trip he planned for all of them next weekend."The four remaining interns slowly looked down at the body in front of them. They looked back up at their teacher with a heaviness they didn't feel before. All of them except for Lucas."He isn't just any patient. This cadaver was once a person," Derek crossed his arms as he explained, "He was a man with a life. A son. Spouse. Father, with kids who are probably at home still crying because he's not there."Every patient that had been on his table was someone important. He made them important. They weren't just numbers or statistics. They were a person. He'd been so sick of death that it was his mission to work his ass off and make sure they made it out with a second chance. And when they didn't, it hurt him deeply.He knew what it was like to change someone's life forever- with no way to change back.He knew what it was like losing a father- with no way to save him.He knew what it was like to be on the O.R. table- scared that he'd never see his family again.Being a surgeon was no easy feat. It took humility and understanding."In the real world, you would be out there telling the family that they will never see them again," Derek shook his head, "This person signed a release form- gifted his body to doctors- to learn how to save the next life."Owen and Winston nodded in agreement at the words they were listening to."So you can either compete to be the best and forget why you are doing this," Derek offered, "Or you can work together, learn, and give this person a chance to see tomorrow."The imaginary life he had presented to them could have very well been a true one. And that's why this mattered. They needed to learn to appreciate the importance of each surgical skill, so that when they had someone lying on a table, they wouldn't make stupid mistakes or let their own arrogance get to them.They would save a life. Not end one.The interns glanced at each other as Derek walked to another table and took off a sheet, "Try again. Give him a name. Make him a person.""Chris," Lucas muttered as the others' turned to him, "His name is Chris.""Chris it is," Derek nodded in approval, "Get to work.""How'd he do?" Meredith walked into the scrub room where Maggie was rinsing her hands."He's stable. Barely and by some miracle but he's stable," Maggie sighed as she watched Meredith, "You okay?"Meredith watched as they pulled out the patient out of the room, "Yeah. I'm-I'm okay""How's the school search going?" Maggie grabbed a towel and dried her hands.Meredith sighed, "She hated the school here. And there's another that focuses on children who are academically excelling but Zola is so-""So much more than that," Maggie threw the towel in her hands into the waste basket and stepped closer, "She's so much more.""She is," Meredith agreed, "She's empathetic, she's curious, insanely imaginative, and so creative. Did you know when she was younger, Derek was working on the sensor's for Callie's prosthetics, and Zola drew a zig zag that inspired him to design the sensors?""Wow," Maggie beamed, "A genius since then? I'm impressed.""Her name is on the article they published because Derek said one day she'd pick it up and take it even farther," Meredith laughed, "I don't even know if she still wants to be a neurosurgeon anymore.""Or even a doctor," Maggie sighed, "She can do so much.""She can," Meredith nodded, "Maggie, what if her fears are right-""Meredith," Maggie heaved, "We can't live with this notion that we're going to die the way Ellis did."Meredith closed her eyes as she shook away the thoughts that came with her mother, "When Ellis got sick, I was the only one who knew. I was the one who put her in the home, and I was the one who approved the surgeries, the treatments."There was a guilt that plagued Maggie when Meredith spoke about their mother- her biological mother. She hadn't been there to be her sister when she- perhaps- would've needed her the most. She wasn't there to help her make decisions. To help lift the burden of the secret Ellis Grey forced on her.But truthfully, Maggie felt some relief in not seeing it all first hand. In not having to suffer the way Meredith did. Because her parents were good. They loved her and took care of her. And though, Ellis Grey may have given birth to her, her mother was Diane."You hadn't thought about the kids in all this," Maggie whispered knowingly.Meredith shifted in her feet, "I used to tell Derek I didn't want my kids to go through that. That's why he started a trial all those years ago. And then Zola came into our lives and I stopped thinking about it."Meredith bit her lip. So much had happened since then."And then I got tested, found out I had the gene when I was pregnant with Bailey and it all came back again," Meredith sighed, "And he's good you know? Derek? He's good at helping me put it aside and he had his accident so we focused on just living.""But now it's all coming back and you have three kids. And one of them is very aware of what may happen," Maggie sighed. She crossed her arms and watched her sister spiral, "Mer, you can't stop living because of a disease that may or may not happen.""It's not just me," Meredith whispered.The weight of it sat with Maggie. Both of them had tested postive for a gene that predetermined a genetic disposition to Alzheimer's. And there was so much fear."I have three kids, Mags," Meredith whispered, "Whatever happens to Derek and I, I- I don't want them to be complicated like the Shepherd sisters and I don't want them to push each other the way I did with you and Lexie.""They won't," Maggie promised, "You've shown them not to.""How's Zola?" Owen asked as the three of them continued to observe the interns, "I hear you're looking at schools because she's gifted? That true?"Grey Sloan was a hospital filled with too much gossip. And it spread like wildfire.Derek sighed, "It's true. Zola is gifted and her anxiety has heightened. So we're opening up all our options.""Maggie says Zola's not too happy about it," Winston turned to him as he munched on a bag of trail mix."She is not," Derek shook his head. He thanked his brother in law as he reached for trail mix, "At least not with the one she saw here in Seattle."Owen furrowed his brows. He keenly repeated the statement in his head, "What do you mean here in Seattle?"Derek was about to respond when he heard the interns bicker again."Did your dad teach you to side coach so you'd take the winning shot every time?" Yasuda snarkily retorted to Kwan as they worked on the patient."Never had a dad but thanks for bringing in my personal pain into this," Kwan rolled his eyes.Derek rubbed his face as he glanced at Adams- who had his hands on a bleeder and was watching. Just watching."Remember when Meredith got fired?" Owen looked to Derek, "Christina got so pissed, Bailey said she started punching Karev because he ratted her out for what she did on the trial-""Wait, what?" Winston asked incredulously.Derek shook his head. The trial. Meredith fired. Zola taken away. All terrible moments in their life that he had tried to push back."Is this their version of that day?" Owen asked, "A Gunther?""Wait. Go back to Meredith being fired," Winston insisted, "I've never heard that story before.""I was too busy trying to find my wife who had stolen a baby that day, remember?" Derek turned to Owen, "Besides, you can't have a Gunther if they don't even know what they're doing yet.""Found it!" Lucas' voice interrupted him, "Pinprick hole in the pericardium."The three attendings glanced at each other. Clearly Derek was wrong. Someone- surprisingly- knew what he was doing.Derek grinned, "What's next?"Lucas nodded- appreciating the moment of approval, "We need to do a pericardial window.""Don't waste any time," Dr. Ndugu nodded, "Let's go!""Okat llet me do it-" Kwan reached over before Millin pushed him away."Are you kidding? Last time you almost-"Yasuda jumped in, "Wait a minute I should-""Oh my god, can you one of you just frickin' do it? Chris is gonna die on us!" Lucas yelled out. He didn't catch the look in the attendings eye but they all quietly approved of someone saying what needed to be said. What mattered was the patient."Kwan, how fast can you do it?" Milin turned to him.Derek watched them work in tandem, "Now we're getting somewhere."Meredith opened the door to the lab. The attendings stood in front of the four interns…who were hovering over the "patient""How'd they do?" she asked as she stood next to the Director of the Residency Program and the two attendings in the room."We're about to find out," Derek nodded, "Dr. Hunt?""B.P is steady, strong heart rate, responsive to stimuli," he smiled, "Chris is stable.""Chris?" Meredith turned to the attending in charge of the interns. She knew the meaning of the name. But it could've been a coincidence that the cadaver they were "saving" was named Chris like the once Shepherd patriarch. Especially since Lucas brought more and more baggage for Derek. Baggage he had once left behind or forgotten."Adams named him," Derek turned to his wife before catching the second question in her eye, "Don't start, this has nothing to do with me."Meredith hummed unconvinced as she turned back to everyone in the room."So now the question is who gets to scrub in with me?" Winston raised his brow as they watched the four interns wait eagerly."Well?" Meredith asked, "Who earned it?"Kwan raised his hand, "I did a pericardial window?""And I did his chest tube." Yasuda smiled."After I gave you the appropriate visual field with my retraction," Millin furrowed her brows.Derek sighed before looking at the fourth silent doctor, "What about you Dr. Adams?""I uh," Lucas shuffled his feet before shrugging."Dr. Adams?" Meredith asked again. Maggie's words rang in her ear about the intern before Owen's voice stopped it."You saw the hole in the heart.""Right but I only saw it because Millin was such a beast with the suction. After Kwan constantly reminded her. And Yasuda widened the incision," he fidgeted with his hands before shrugging again, "Without any of that, I would've had a clear view."Winston smiled. Owen nodded proudly, Derek turned to Meredith- who had been clearly impressed.Derek grinned and nodded proudly, "You used all the hands around you. Nice work.""Dr. Adams, you will be scrubbing in on an ax-fem bypass," Dr. Ndugu nodded before turning to Derek in approval, "I'll email-""Wait," Lucas called out, "Can't we-uh, can't we all do it?"The interns turned to him wide eyed in surprise. This had been a competition. And clearly he had won it fair and square. No one had given him a hand. Being a Shepherd didn't matter here. At least not this time.Derek turned to Winston and then to Meredith, "Sure. If Dr. Ndugu is okay with it.""I'll email you all the case details in a few hours," Winston nodded before walkin out of the room with Owen in tail."Nicely done," Meredith grinned at the four interns before turning to Derek and quietly muttering, "You sure he's your nephew? He was willing to share."Derek scoffed and chuckled before turning to make his way out with the chief next to him.The following morning, Derek stood over a plan of blueprints on a table he had set up in front of the firmest tree he could find."Daddy?" Ellis eyed his curiously, "What are you doing?"Derek looked up from his work and saw his little girl standing a few steps away from him with a softball in her hand. He smiled as he saw how the light bounced off her blonde tresses and how curiosity peaked through her green eyes, "I'm building you a treehouse.""I'm getting a treehouse?" Ellis eyes him widely, "Really?"The little girl beamed. Her delight was evident and he lived to see her smile. Even if it cost him. Whatever she wanted she got. She was his baby after all. The baby he wanted after making mistake after mistake. He loved his children all equally. And he adored how wildly different they were. He loved how Zola was so bright and how she put that brilliance to do good. He adored Bailey's fearlessness. It reminded him of how simpler things once were when he was a child.But Ellis was something else. She was the quieter one. The bolder one. The stubborn one with a streak of rebelliousness that he just knew she had inherited from her mother. And a streak of arrogance she inherited from him."You asked for a treehouse," Derek grinned, "You get a treehouse."Ellis gasped brightly before running into his arms, "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!"Derek groaned as he lifted her and embraced her. Her lithe arms wrapped around his neck and squeezed him so tightly."Ellie, I kind of need to breathe to finish it," he pretended to struggle."You're the best daddy ever," She jumped off before running to the house, "Zola! Bailey! Dad's building me a tree house but I can share it with you!"As she ran into the house, Ellis bumped into her mother who was walking out, "Momma! Daddy's building me a treehouse!"She ran again leaving her frazzled mother in giggles, "You spoil her! She has you wrapped around her little tiny finger.""Oh, who do you think she gets that from?" Derek teased as he stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jacket, "I think it should be done by Christmas.""Knowing you and how you spoil her, you'll finish it in less than a week," Meredith teased, "The other two never asked for one."Derek sighed, "The other two didn't have the same fascination with trees."Meredith giggled as she pictured her daughter climbing up her favorite tree. She had been so angry at Derek once when he was forced to cut down a tree near the house. He had received the silent treatment for nearly a week.He hated it."You're building her a treehouse while we're looking at schools for Zola in other states," Meredith pointed out, "You're sure you should build it now?"Derek let out a deep breathe. He couldn't and would not stand in the way of what was best for his daughter, but he also knew that Bailey and Ellis still had lives here. They didn't just stop."She hasn't made up her mind," Derek pointed out, "I'm not backing out, we agreed we would do whatever Zola needed-""Right but-""This is still our home. We are still here and the other two Little Shepherds are about to change everything they know," Derek interrupted, "Wherever we go I will build her a new one but for now, Ellie gets her treehouse here.""Okay," Meredith smiled as she thought of Ellis, "She hasn't called me momma in a while. Actually I haven't heard any of them call me that in a long time.""Yeah," he shook his head, "They're so big now.""I haven't forgotten them you know?" Meredith raised a brow, "I know our kids are making sacrifices. I know they-""Meredith," Derek turned to her softly, "I know you. I know how good of a mother you are, I see it every day."It didn't feel that way all the time. Especially now. Between Zola and Bailey, it felt that she was constantly doing the wrong thing. There wasn't a manual she could look at and she couldn't go to her mother the way other parents typically could.Meredith leaned into his side as he wrapped one around her. She laid her head on his shoulder and looked at the plans laid on the table. It would be a beautiful treehouse. A sense of a traditional treehouse with a deck and a lot of room for the kids."You're a good dad," she whispered, "You'd never forget who was on the red wagon."He knew exactly what she was referring to. He was there when she corrected Thatcher and reminded him that she was the one on the red wagon. Not Molly or Lexie. It was her.Derek didn't whisper anything back. He pressed his lips against her hair as he took in the moment."Hey!" Derek opened the door and smiled at his guest, "You made it!""Well you did invite me, didn't you? Am I late?" Richard smiled as Derek let him in, "Catherine's in Boston, she couldn't make it, sorry. She sends her regards.""No we just got started," Derek closed the door behind Richard as he welcomed him in, "She okay?"Richard removed his coat as he looked around to the crowd gathered at the dining table, "Oh, her flight got delayed so she stayed behind with Jackson and April. I wanted to spend it here. Keep the tradition going. I, uh, brought a pie.""Thanks," Derek took it, "How've you been?""Retirement is boring," Richard raised his brows, "I've been missing my teaching days but I hear that's your job now.""The chief's a hardass, I'm sure you've heard," Derek joked, "I'm not allowed to say no to her even if I wanted to."Richard chuckled as he followed Derek in. He looked out at the group laughing near the dining table at something Link had said. Richard had worked with every single doctor there. He knew them all well, "She knows what she's doing. How's your nephew?""You heard," Derek shook his head as he walked toward the kitchen and set down the pie, "I don't know. One day it's a piece of cake and other days-""Remember your internship days? You relied on Addie sometimes-"Derek laughed, "That's not true!""You were a little slow at the beginning," Richard insisted, "Give the kid some time. Let him make his own name, he'll get the hang of it."Richard patted his shoulder as Derek nodded, "Thanks."Derek watched as Richard made his way to the gathered crowd. He liked this. Having a loud home with friends and family gathered. He had this many eons ago when his father was still alive and he had tried to fill that void when he started having his own kids.As dinner started, the kids sat at a table set up for them while the adults quietly ate."Where's Kai?" Maggie asked as the sounds of the utensils clanged against the dishes.Amelia smiled, "They are in Minnesota. They promised they'd spend today with their family but they'll be back on Saturday.""They're hiding from Meredith aren't they?" Derek raised his brow as he teased his younger sister, "Still worried she's pissed because they ran the tests?"Meredith rolled her eyes as the table laughed."Could be a possibility," Amelia answered, "Maggie can you pass the peas?"Maggie nodded as Derek looked around the table. To his right sat his wife, his eldest daughter (who refused to sit at the kids table now), and Maggie. Amelia sat on the opposite end and next to her sat Richard, Link, and Lucas, One person was missing."Link?" Meredith looked up, "He's on call right?""Yeah, he was with Scout this morning so it worked out well for the both of us." Amelia smiled."Where's Winston?" Derek asked, "I've barely seen him outside the hospital lately."Maggie didn't look up, "He's also on call.""I thought Teddy was on call?" Meredith looked up, "I saw the schedule yesterday.""She was," Lucas looked up. "Griffith was on her service but then she said she'd be on Dr. Ndugu's.""Oh," Derek furrowed his brow, "That's unfortunate.""Zola, are you excited for your trip soon?" Maggie asked in an attempt to change the conversation, "I heard there's a school in Boston that's in the mix. I gotta say, I'm a little jealous.""Only you would be jealous of Boston, Maggie," muttered Meredith. No one else heard her except Derek who gently nudged her knee under the table."In the mix?" Richard looked up, "What does that mean? Is she headed to college already? I was only out of the country for a few months!"Meredith looked up at him with a slight chuckle, "No, um, Zola's been deemed gifted and we've been scouting schools that better fit her needs.""Outside of Washington?" Richard furrowed his brow, "Aren't there schools here?""Yeah," Derek looked at him knowing that Richard never had the best reaction to Meredith leaving, "Well, Zo has a variety of needs and Seattle has a school here but Zo's not convinced."Meredith took a bite of her food as she waited for Richard's response. He had been the closest thing she could call to a father. And the last time the possibility of leaving Seattle came up, they had been at odds for weeks."The school here is not too bad," Zola interrupted her thoughts, "It's still a possibility that I choose it.""That's not what you said a week ago," Meredith chuckled."But your parents are opening up doors for you, Little Miss Zola," Richard smiled at the young girl, "You have a chance that many other kids wish they did. You should take it and run with it."Meredith's head snapped to Derek who nearly choked on his bite. That was unexpected. A part of her thought Richard would storm out at the thought of Meredith Grey leaving Seattle- again."You think so, Uncle Richard?" Zola asked genuinely but with a little hesitance."Of course, you gotta at least see what's out there. It's like choosing a college or med school. You search, apply, and hope for the best," he smiled before he glanced between the parents, "Gifted? Wow, you two must be proud! I remember her first birthday, you two were just beaming with so much happiness."Derek and Meredith smiled at each other, as they turned to see their daughter. Wasn't it just yesterday that she was scrunching her face at cameras? Wasn't she just learning how to crawl? How to write her name? Where did the time go?Meredith turned to Richard and mouthed, "Thanks.""Does Bailey know?" Richard furrowed his brow, "You know how she reacted last time-""Yes, both of you were on a rampage of Meredith being disloyal," Derek intervened, "We haven't really made it a secret.""She's Bailey," Meredith elaborated, "She knows everything.""Where else are you looking at?""There's one in New York and New Hampshire," Meredith answered, "Another in Los Angeles-"Derek added, "We're looking at our options.""New York sounds pretty cool," Zola's fork stabbed into a piece of turkey, "Nana's out there so maybe-."Derek's eyes darted to his sister, "I don't know if we'll be able to see your nana this time, Zo."Another pair of utensils dropped."Oh my God, you're gonna see mom?" Amelia looked up with shock, "Are you seeing the entire sister clan? After last time?""Wait, does that mean you'll see my mom?" Lucas' eyes widened in shock and a little horror."Woah, woah, woah, let's backtrack," Meredith raised her hands as she noticed the stress level reach maximum level on her husband's face, "This is about Zola. Let's focus on that.""Well, Zo," Maggie smiled, "Whatever happens, I know it'll be great.""Yeah," Amelia grinned at her niece, "We're rooting for you kid."Zola grinned shyly, "Thanks."Meredith rubbed her daughter's back as she looked around the table.Her daughter- her children- were surrounded with so much love. So much support. And for that, she was grateful."So uh, Lucas, right?" Richard turned to the young man next to him, "I hear you're an intern at Grey-Sloan?""I am sir," Lucas nodded, "I uh, heard a lot of great things about you. I'm sorry I missed out."Derek's eyes flickered between the two before meeting Meredith's."How's it going so far?" Richard asked, "It's a unique program Chief Grey came up with."Lucas looked around the table. What should he answer? The truth? A lie? This was Richard Webber. The Richard Webber. He had been an infamous name in the Shepherd household long ago when his uncle was a student."I'm uh, very lucky to be learning from everyone there- err here," Lucas chuckled."Good, good," Richard picked at his plate again, "I've got some stories for you about your Uncle Derek here-""Richard-," Derek warned."Wait, you have stories about my dad?" Zola's eyes widened."How come I never heard these?" Meredith asked enthusiastically."Why did you keep them from me?" Amelia turned her head towards him, "We've talked through things and you've been holding out on me?""I think I reserved them for the right person," Richard chuckled before turning to Zola, "You'll hear them soon, future Dr. Grey-Shepherd."Lucas chuckled a bit, "I'm looking forward to them, sir.""You'll be surprised with this one," Richard chuckled as he looked towards Derek, "Trust me."Zola turned down her bed as her uncle Richard's words rang in her ear. An opportunity. Not many had it. Right."You know just because Uncle Richard says you should take advantage, it doesn't mean you should stay quiet about what you actually want," her mother's voice broke through her thoughts. Zola turned and saw her mother standing by the door."I know," Zola grinned."Are you worried about the school visits?" Meredith walked towards her bed and sat alongside her."A little," Zola twisted her mouth slightly, "I was excited for New York because I thought we'd get to see Nana."Meredith hummed, "I think Daddy doesn't want to bother all his sisters with their busy schedules."Zola nodded, clearly unconvinced.Meredith noticed her fidget with her blanket, "Any nightmares?"She shook her head, "Not lately.""Should I stop talking about it now?" Meredith smirked with a slight chuckle."Yeah," Zola giggled."Okay," Meredith smiled, "You okay?"Zola sighed, "Did Grandma Ellis expect you to become a surgeon?"Meredith's eyes widened, "I-yeah. She expected that out of me.""Did you always want to be a surgeon?"Meredith pressed her lips tightly before shaking her head, "No.""Why not?""You know, Zo," Meredith sighed. She was at a lot for words, "I don't even know why. I think it was because I thought I'd be lesser than her. It took me a while to understand that I was me and she was her own person.""You're a really good surgeon," Zola added, "Uncle Richard says you get it from her."Meredith smiled, "I like to think I get it from myself."Zola giggled again as her mother smiled. She treasured these laughs."G'night, Zola," Meredith pressed her lips on her forehead before standing up, "Sweet dreams."Meredith made her way out of the room and walked into another. A little blonde girl sat on her bed as she read the book on her lap."You didn't ask daddy for a bedtime story? You always ask him for a bedtime story.""He's with Bailey," Ellis muttered, "And I'm too old for bedtime stories.""Really?" Meredith asked with a raised brow, "You're too old for bedtime stories? That doesn't sound like the Ellie who used to fight me over marrying him."Ellis giggled. Long ago, she'd proudly proclaimed she would marry her daddy. No one could stop her, not even his own wife. And when she finally left outgrew that stage, she begged for her parents to have a big wedding. Because according to her, a post-it wedding wasn't a real wedding. A real wedding needed two people dressed nicely and a big party. In this case, her momma in a dress and her daddy in a suit.And of course they obliged."Oh, I don't think you could ever get too old for bedtime stories," Meredith sat on her bed, "Do you want me to read it to you? I'm a really good reader."Ellis looked up at her mother with a happy grin on her face, "Okay."The pair sat on the head of the bed as Ellis tucked near her mother's side. As Meredith read the book, the little girl fell sound asleep.Elsewhere in the kitchen, Derek walked into Lucas putting away some plates."Hey, you're still up? Don't you have an early shift?""I uh, wanted to help," Lucas threw the towel on the counter, "Can I ask you something?""Yeah?" Derek leaned on the counter."Do you think I'll make it?" Lucas asked almost shyly, "Residency? Do you think I have what it takes?"Derek blinked, "I think you have a road ahead of you, Shep."Lucas' eyes begged for more."But it's not impossible," Derek pressed his lips together, "You just gotta keep at it.""Not convincing, Uncle D," Lucas chuckled, "He can't even say 'uncle' right. He just says the vowels and it comes out like uh-dee."Derek chuckled as he thought back to his youngest nephew, "You're not jealous are you? You know you've been the favorite nephew for a good couple decades there, you gotta give Scout a chance-""Aha, see I am the favorite, I always knew I was," Lucas teased back, "I'm just glad Aunt Amelia isn't forcing me to be on daddy duty anymore."Derek nodded, "Hey, so the ax-fem bypass? Winston emailed me and told me you all did good."Lucas nodded. He had let everyone scrub in alongside him.He scratched the back of his head and looked up at his uncle, "Hey uh, Bailey asked if we could go to the batting cages on Saturday. I have it off. Is it cool with you and Aunt Mer if I-""Yeah," Derek nodded, "I'll run it by his mom but it shouldn't be a problem."Lucas grinned and made his way to his room before stopping and tracing his steps back, "You trust me right? You trust that I'll get better?""Shep," Derek sighed, "I trust you with my kid. Of course, I trust you'll get better. It's a matter of time."Lucas nodded and walked away. For a brief second, he believed his uncle's words."Where were you?""Reading to your baby girl," Meredith sighed as she walked to the bathroom to change and prepare for bed. She walked out of the bathroom and smirked, "I know we said this wasn't a competition but right now, I'm her favorite.""Yeah, whatever," he retorted as he pushed the comforter and let her climb into bed, "I'm building her a treehouse, I'll be her favorite again as soon as it's done."Meredith giggled as she climbed into bed, "Open your arms, I'm cold."Derek laughed as he embraced her, "Girls go down okay?""Fast asleep," Meredith confirmed, "Bailey?""Snoring just like you," he jested, earning a nudge to his chest, "Lucas wants to take him to the batting cages this weekend. You okay with that?""Oh you already said yes," Meredith teased, "He likes Luke, he's like a big brother to him.""Yeah, he does," Derek sighed, "Remember when he was little, he used to run into the room whenever there was a thunder storm and he'd rush into our bed."A flash of a younger Bailey crossed her mind. He'd push the door wide open and sprint his way to the bed. He'd tug on his mother's arm until she helped him up. Bailey would grip both parents' hands until he was fast asleep. And when he would finally fall asleep, Meredith would watch as her both Dereks would sleep nearly identically. Hands tucked under their head, slightly smiling lips, and hair touseled.And then there were other times.Meredith laughed, "It made for a few close calls. I remember that very clearly.""There was that one night," he whispered wistfully, "It was just raining non-stop and he ran into the room and Ellis ran in right after. Zola somehow sensed they were both in here and she also came in."She claimed she was not scared," Meredith released a slight chuckle, "She was only checking to see where her siblings were. That was her story.""Yeah," Derek smiled, "And it was all five of us. You and me with the kids in the middle."Meredith thought back to that night. Bailey had always been scared of lightning. He would run in with tears in his eyes but Ellis loved them. She'd stare out of her window for as long as she could just watching it all. Zola didn't seem to mind them too much. But that one night, that one night was a memory both parents cherished. They searched for solace within their parents and found it. They'd protect their children no matter what. As long as they could."We stayed in bed for hours the next morning while the kids goofed around. They laughed and laughed so much I was scared one of them would pee their pants," Meredith giggled before looking at the bed, "I don't think they'd fit in here if they tried.""No they wouldn't," Derek rubbed his temple, "It's my favorite memory. One of my favorites at least."When they were younger, things seemed to be simpler. Easier. The biggest thing the kids' would worry about was lightning. Whether or not the ice cream shop was open. If they'd go on ferry boat rides. Things were much more easier.Meredith hummed as she intertwined her fingers with his, "I want more of that.""What?""Memories," she whispered, "The good kind. Like that one, I want more of it.""Are you asking for another baby?" Derek asked with a hint of a twinkle in his eye, "Because we agreed that that ship has sailed. I even-""No!" Meredith nudged him again with a slight laugh escaping her, "Not another baby! Just-"She thought about the picture she had put away long ago. The little girl on the wagon only wanted her parents to love her."I don't have any happy memories with my parents. You have some with yours but I don't-," She sighed, "I just want more. I want our kids to be so happy and I want to be there for all of it."Derek stared into her eyes before leaning down to kiss her and whispered, "We'll make more. I promise.""And if I forget," she whispered, "You promise you'll remind me?"Derek shook his head slightly before smiling reassuringly, "Every day. I will remind you every single day.""Where's your wife?" Derek turned to the voice behind him and found Amelia and Maggie walking in the door."Last time I saw her was in the comfort of our bed," he answered, "I don't think you want the details.""You are disgusting," Amelia nudged him as she sat next to him, "Maggie needs married people advice and though I am in a very happy relationship, I am not one of them."Maggie nudged her proclaimed sister as she sat down next to her brother, "Amelia!""What?" Amelia shrugged as she watched Maggie sit on the chair on the other side of Derek, "he's married too, it's a different perspective. Ask Derek, then Meredith, and then take your pick."Derek glanced between the pair, "What's up?""Adams isn't on my rotation again? I have several procedures I think he'd be-""This isn't about Adams!" Amelia growled, "Winston is switching specialties because they keep fighting and Maggie's upset about it-""Amelia!" Maggie chided again."Is it true?" Derek's head shot up, "I heard the interns whisper about it in the lab but I didn't want to ask until he said something.""Why isn't he on my rotation? Adams-""Because he's on Meredith's" Derek explained, "This isn't about Adams. You okay?"Maggie eyed Amelia before turning to Derek, "Meredith quit Neuro right?""Uh, yes she's chief now," he grinned slyly, "If you haven't noticed. She's our boss.""No," Maggie rolled her eyes as she walked up to the chair next to him and sat down, "Years ago, she quit neuro for you."Derek shook his head, "Not for me, Maggie. It was so much more complicated-""Did you still love her the same?" she blurted, "I mean did you…"Derek put his pen down and turned his chair towards her, "Maggie, what's wrong?""Winston is changing specialties. At least he says he is but," she sighed, "he is saying he's doing it to save our marriage."Derek turned to Amelia who shrugged, "And you said?"Maggie twirled in her chair while she avoided Derek's knowing gaze."Ah," he nodded once before lifting his pen again, "She's doing the Grey thing where they avoid it until it explodes, isn't she?.""See, you speak Maggie, too," Amelia smirked, "I knew you'd get it.""I speak Grey," Derek nodded as he popped a peanut into his mouth."I"m not a-""You are so much like your sister," he muttered to himself, "You both like to avoid, avoid, avoid. She likes to do it with sex so sometimes it works-""Too much information!" Amelia yelled disgusted at her brother's sudden lack of a filter.Maggie rolled her eyes, "And you never answered my question!"Derek turned to her once and then to his own sister and sighed, "Look, Meredith and I have both made sacrifices for our marriage and our kids.""Still doesn't answer my question," Maggie insisted.Amelia watched the two as they continued."Let me finish and I will," he blinked, "Marriage takes work. It takes a little give and a little take. You don't lose yourself in it but you also compromise.""I can't respect the fact that he insists-""Your husband is seeing cracks in your marriage and he is trying to patch them before they get-""But I married him because I loved his passion. His passion was surgery- cardiothoracic surgery! It's what we bonded over!""Did you marry the surgeon or the man behind the surgeon?"Maggie stared at him for a moment. The question was one no one had asked. Not even her sisters."Who did you marry Derek?"Derek slowly turned his head to stare at her. He could see there was some anger behind her eyes. A frustration she was taking out on him. He'd be a liar if he didn't say that a reason why he had been so attracted to Meredith was the passion she had for surgery."Meredith quit neuro because she tampered with a clinical trial and broke my trust as her attending," he explained, "I let a few jobs go because she wasn't ready to leave Seattle. We've both made sacrifices."Derek grabbed his tablet and stood from the chair, "And for the record, I would love my wife, no matter what she chose.""Dr. Shepherd?""Yeah," Derek looked up at the intern as he observed Adams' sutures."I heard Dr. Grey is doing a whipple today," Griffith asked, "I was wondering if-""Wait, didn't you scrub in with Dr. Pierce last week?""I haven't scrubbed in with Dr. Grey," Millin raised her hand eagerly from another table, "We were supposed to operate on a patient two weeks ago but she was replaced by Dr. Bailey-""Are you complaining about Dr. Bailey, Millin? She's not gonna be too happy if she hears that you're complaining," Derek smirked with a raised brow. The rapport he had built with this class was one he was proud of. There was a fine line that no one crossed but there was a trust they had with each other.The interns chucked before Lucas looked up from his sutures, "Wait, I'm on general this week, shouldn't I be the one to scrub in."Derek rubbed his chin before clearing his throat, "Technically yes you are Adams."Derek walked to the front of the room and sat on the stool as he looked at the small class, "The rest of you have rotation schedules for a reason. This hospital has more than one surgeon. There is a reason why we have you rotate, now I had you all on one surgery last week, this time stick to your rotations."The interns sighed in disappointment. It was fair, even if they hated to admit it. Each of them had scrubbed in with a different attending in a surgery that blew their minds. Grey Sloan's residency program may no longer rank amongst the best, but there was no doubt that their attendings were the best.That or Grey Sloan was just cursed with tragedies. They couldn't decide."Adams, you're scheduled to scrub in. Go prep, Dr. Grey doesn't like interns who are not prepared," Derek indicated before turning to the rest, "Millin, you're right, with Dr. Grey as chief it's hard to catch her in the O.R. so I'll tell you what, you all get to watch in the gallery today."The interns quietly cheered and thanked him."Go get notepads, snacks, whatever you need, who knows when you'll get the chance to see her in there soon," Derek nodded."Are you gonna be there Dr. Shepherd?" Yasuda asked with a hint of tease in her voice. The other interns smirked and snorted. It was no secret to anyone at all that the Shepherd and Grey were- well Shepherd and Grey. They kept it professional in public but every now and then the interns would catch the chief throwing soft, tender glances at the director. And he'd lean next to her almost teasingly, whenever she was nearby. Glances were stolen, hands were placed on backs, voices were softened, flirting, everything. And the walls all whispered the great legend of Meredith and Derek.They had always been the stuff of legends."Yasuda, go before I put you on scut," Derek chided as he watched them walk out of the room leaving their director on the stool slightly shaking his head in amusement. He looked up at the only intern still working"Griffith, you okay?""Yes, sir," she didn't bother to look up as she concentrated on the sutures, "I'm just wrapping up on my sutures.""You called out last week," he stated. Not asked.Griffith looked up briefly before looking back down at her work, "I'm sure Dr. Grey mentioned my situation-"He nodded. He was aware her grandmother had Alzheimers'. She had roamed the hospital a few weeks ago looking for her daughter- Simone's mother. She had died on her birth."She did," Derek nodded, "I know how difficult it is. And I know that saying sorry doesn't help."A beat passed as Simone passed her stitch once. She paused and looked up. He wasn't her teacher, her director, an attending. He was just a person."No, it doesn't," Simone sighed."You know when my wife was a resident and she was dealing with her own mother," Derek moved to sit on the chair in front of her, "She buried herself in her work. She pushed people away and she felt like she was drowning."His wife. Not Chief Grey. Simone took notice how his voice had softened and how his eyes seemed to darken as he swallowed a lump."I thought she was handling it well because she was saying she was fine," he sighed, "but she was drowning."Simone blinked. It didn't seem like Dr. Grey."Residency isn't easy, and we're trying to change that here," he continued, "But your home life isn't easy either. So if I may offer you a piece of advice, don't push people away. Let them in. Trust them.""They-they don't get it," Simone chuckled sarcastically, "They're all competing to be the best and it's the only thing they have to worry about. None of them get it-""Maybe not all of them," Derek shrugged, "But you and Lucas seem to be getting along."He could see her briefly suppress a smile before leaning back, "Dr. Shepherd-""I'm not playing wingman to my nephew, I wouldn't cross that line. And I am talking to you as an attending who's seen several residents feel like the world is against them," Derek sighed, "Find someone to trust. Whoever it is, and when you feel like drowning, ask them to help. Whoever it is, let them in."Griffith blinked. It was an unexpected surprise to hear these words coming from a superior. No matter what was happening- if anything was happening- between herself and the intern who was his nephew."Don't flame out," Derek continued, "You've got potential I've rarely seen in residents."Simone smiled, "Thank you Dr. Shepherd."Derek smiled back before standing up, "Now get to the O.R. Dr. Grey is waiting for you and Adams."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"Reinforcements," Adams showed Simone a box of grapes and offered her. She had been sitting on the gurneys with a notepad on her hand, "What's this?"Simone turned her notebook to give him better access to her drawing. On her notebook, she had written some surgical notes and drawings in the shape of a clock, "It's um, just something I came up with to remind me of the steps for the surger today."Lucas studied the drawing carefully. He admired her for her brilliance. She was confident and focused. Always focused. And out of the rest of the group, she had been the most talented. Lucas glanced at her and smiled, "You checked in with Grey?""I did," Simone nodded, "You?""On my way in a second, Shepherd wants me to check in first," Lucas nodded as he popped a grape into his mouth.He studied the notebook before Griffith asked, "Is it weird?""What?""That she's your- and he's- they're," Simone giggled, "Sorry it's just that with that baggage, I'd run for the hills."Adams nodded as he took the notebook in his own hands, "I didn't want to be here. I knew that I would be under his shadow and Amelia's shadow all the time. And then I realized Grey was chief and it only made it worse. They're all surgical royalty and I-""Are here because you couldn't get anywhere else," Simone shyly asked, "That's why you asked them not to rat you out.""I thought it'd be easier. All my life I've been Shep.""Shep?""Yeah, it's my uh middle name but my uncle," Adams chuckled, "It was his nickname in med school so my mom named me after-""Got it, okay," Simone smiled. He'd been Luke, Adams, or Skywalker to everyone. Never Shep. And none of the other attendings had ever called him that. At least not in the hospital. There was a lot to him that she didn't completely know. Then again there was also a lot about herself she wasn't ready to share.Lucas sighed, "I've been tied to them or my mom and her other sisters-""Wait, are they all-""Doctors? Yeah," Lucas scoffed, "I just wanted to not be a Shepherd. Just once. And then I end up surrounder by all of them"Simone nodded and the sound of his phone ended their confessional."I uh," Lucas handed back the notebook to her, "Shepherd. Derek. I should go."He took the container of grapes and smiled at her again, "Thanks."Simone smiled gently, "Anytime.""Hey," Lucas entered the room where Derek had scans pulled up, "You paged?""I did," Derek nodded as he read something on his phone. He stashed it in his coat pocket before gesturing to the scans on the screen, "The scans for your patient just got back and Grey wanted to go over this but she got caught up."So, now you're a general surgeon?" Lucas scoffed."This isn't my area of specialty but I know the procedure and the Chief was very detailed on what she wants," Derek shook his head in amusement before turning serious, "The patient's pancreatitis formed a psuedoanurysm of the GDA right there."Derek pointed to the scans as Lucas carefully followed. He analyzed it carefully before stepping back."This is where the Kocher maneuver gets tricky so you're gonna want to be extra careful," Derek stepped back and glanced quickly at the intern, "You got it?""Okay," Lucas nodded as he noticed Derek become distracted with a text, "Everything okay?""Yeah," Derek looked up, "Erin was supposed to get Bailey from practice today but she's sick so I'm trying to get one of our back up babysitters to pick him up later today."Lucas raised his brows, "Oh uh, I may be able to get him-""No, you have this surgery and I need your head in this- you need your head in this.""And it is," Lucas chuckled, "But if I'm outta here earlier than maybe I can get him on my way home. C'mon you say so yourself, your kid likes me.""And he does but I also know you're here for this. For surgery. Not to be my kids' babysitter," Derek sighed, "Tell you what, If I can't find anyone and if you're out on time, you can get him."Lucas turned back to the scans and nodded. The attending took notice how he fiddled with his knuckles. One by one he twisted each finger. He could tell Lucas was worried. Nervous even. It had been something he had been doing as a kid when scary things happened."She's not gonna go easy on you, you know that," Derek sighed, "You sure you're ready?"Lucas gulped slightly as he tapped on the back of his hand. He was ready. At least he thought he was."Shep?""What? Yeah, I'm uh," Lucas looked up to him with a slight grin, "I'm good.""If this is too much for you, if you think you're not ready," Derek muttered quietly, "Now's the time to say something.""No I'm-""Sometimes the best thing a surgeon could do is step back," Derek advised, "Think very carefully if-""I got it, Dr. Shepherd," Lucas' head shot up, "I'm ready."Dr. Shepherd. Right. The reminder that within the four walls of the hospital, he was merely his teacher.And even though his last name was Adams, Derek was certain there was a spark of Shepherd in him. It was only a matter of time and a push in the right direction. A fostering of confidence, the way that Richard had fostered that when he was a resident."Okay Dr. Adams," Derek nodded as his phone beeped again, "Crap, I'm getting paged. I'll try to check in or to step into the gallery while you're in there."Lucas nodded before he glanced at the screen. Suddenly there was a weight on his shoulders again as his attending left the room."Dr. Adams?"Lucas turned once more to him with a questioning gaze."You can do this.""Dana," Derek walked into the exam room and extended his hand to the woman, "I'd ask how you're doing but I got Addison's email. You're son has a brain tumor, I'm so sorry.""Thank you," she nodded, "I'm sorry this is such short notice but I'm just-""Oh please, don't apologize," he shrugged, "I just saw the scans on my over here."Derek shook his head. Dana had been an old friend from New York. She had arrived to the doors of Grey Sloan insisting on setting an appointment with Dr. Shepherd. Whichever one just as long as it was a Shepherd, she had said. She had done this despite the fact that Addison had already emailed Derek telling him to expect a visit from Dana. She needed a surgeon- a good one. A great one. And she'd possibly need both Shepherds to help but given his history with impossible tumors, she pointed her towards him.As soon as Derek received the page, he had run to the front desk fully aware who needed him so urgently. If it had been any of his children, he'd receive the news personally. Or even from Erin herself."I'm so sorry," Derek gulped, "The scans show that the tumor has grown and it's encroaching on the brain stem. I have to get in there quickly if we're gonna-""Addie said you had a ten year old?" the woman gulped, "I took him to her practice in LA and they sent me here. She said he's around my Dan's age?"Derek nodded slowly, "I have three but my boy is around his age, yes.""He is the only thing I have, Derek," Dana sniffed back tears, "I would give up the entire world for my kid."Derek nodded. Any parent would. Any sane parent who loved their child would give up anything for their child. It was a weight and responsibility that carried no manual and had no tools. Just instinct and the knowledge of what they knew previously."Do what you need to do," Dana looked back into the room, "I'll sign whatever you need me to sign but please just save my son.""Fifty says he tanks" Yasuda asked as they watched the surgery, "He seems distracted.""Hundred says he gets kicked out," Kwan shifted in his own as Yasuda passed by him, "Griffith's good and Grey likes her. She should be fine.""Please, he's one of them, it's practically in his blood," Millin rolled her eyes."Kwan," Derek rushed in. He took notice how the interns sat up straighter and kept their eyes on the procedure, "I know I said you could watch Dr. Grey, but I need you on a case. Go prep my patient.""Yes sir," Kwan eagerly pushed his way out as he took the tablet from Derek's hand."Where are they?" Derek asked the other interns."Oh um, on the Kocher maneuver," Yasuda answered as all the interns straightened up.Derek nodded in approval, "Which is?"Down in the OR, Adams and Grey worked on a patient. Simone observed over them."Dr. Adams," Meredith looked up, "describe the what I'm doing.""You are mobilizing the duodenum and pancreatic head off the IVC," he answered as he gripped the retractor. He quickly glanced up to see that another surgeon had joined the rest of the interns. Lucas looked back down and shook his head.No room for mistakes, he repeated to himself, focus."And why are we doing this Dr. Adams?" she followed up.Lucas stared off into the monitor before shaking his head, "Oh, um, you want to remove all tissue anterior to the IVC."Derek was about to walk about when he heard the chief call out to her intern."Adams! Why are you spacing out, you have to follow me," she chided, "I cannot work if I cannot visualize the field.""I'm on it," he refocused."No you're not," Meredith sighed, "This isn't a skills lab and you are clearly tired. I'm sorry but you need to step back-""Dr. Grey-"Derek looked back down to the gallery. He noticed the panic in Adams' eyes and the frustration in Meredith's. When he had assigned Lucas, he was sure the kid could handle it. He was certain this would be the surgery he needed to boost that ego, that confidence, and make him believe he would- he could live up to the family name."Dammit, that's the second time he spaces," Millin shook her head, "Kwan's gonna have a field day."They didn't bother to check if their director had heard, and even if they did, they'd realize that he hadn't given that he had been too focused on what was happening down in the OR."No, Adams, I'm sorry," Dr. Grey looked up defeated and frustrated, "You are free to observe but you need to step back."But-""One knick to the patient's abdominal aeorta and we are done. So no sorry, you are done."Griffith stepped in as Adams handed off the retractor to her. Effectively ending his time assisting."What the hell happened in there? I thought it was going well and then I hear you asking him to step back?"Meredith turned from the drain to the doctor standing at the door, "Derek, you were in the gallery you saw what happened, he wasn't prepared-"Derek blinked, "You were being too-""No, no, Derek, I was not," Meredith stopped and pointed at him, "I was not being too tough on him-""You had Griffith by your side, you were waiting for her-""No, I was not! It's not my fault she was prepared and Lucas was not," Meredith shook her head, "Derek, you saw what happened. He was spacing out and he wasn't focused."Voices were raised. Frustration and dissapointment hung poignantly in the air. They were both great surgeons. Excellent teachers. But sometimes their egos, their pride, were too big to share the same space.But this wasn't about pride or ego. It was about the belief in their students, no matter who they were. Or who they were related to.Derek placed each hand on his waist as he shook his head "He was fine and knew each and every step before I let him-""Dr. Shepherd, that was before he had his hands on the patient. Not when, before. If this were any other intern. If this were Kwan or Yasuda, Millin or Griffith, would you be in here-?""What are you trying to say?" Derek crossed his arms and furrowed his brows. He hadn't expected such an accusation. He hadn't even heard it and he already knew what was coming."A concern was raised, Derek," Meredith whispered, "There was a concern that you were possibly-""What? I was possibly what?" Derek asked with a furrowed brow, "Dr. Grey?"Meredith gulped. She was the chief. She had to tell him upfront. She was the chief. This was her job. The marriage was outside the hospital, not in the OR."Dr. Shepherd, the attendings are concerned that you are not providing the rest of the interns with an equitable opportunity to learn due to your personal connection with Dr. Adams." Meredith breathed heavily. It was like she had just ran from a monster that kept running after her and she finally lost it.Derek remained quiet before shaking his head, "I told you this would happen.""Derek-""You brought him in. You hired him. I told you- Amy and I both told you everyone would say we were playing favorites and now you're accusing me of doing just that?""I'm not accusing you.""No, you're not," he spewed angrily, "But somebody is. I have tried to remain as neutral as I possibly can and kept his secret until Amelia told the entire class-"That is not on me," Meredith reminded him as she raised his voice to his level, "It's not my fault Lucas and Amelia couldn't keep things professional and gave the interns a reason to believe-""You gave me the job," he insisted, "I didn't ask for it! You said, 'Derek I'm making you Director of the Residency Program. I trust you.' That's what you said!""I did- I do trust you!" Meredith argued back, "But I am also doing my job as chief. And my job as chief is to listen to all of my attendings not feed your ego!"Derek paced around angrily. He could feel the blood drain from his face as he tried to control his temper."I am the one that bears responsibility if anything goes wrong, Derek!" Meredith continued, "You had the job, you know that!"Meredith could feel the frustration in every drop in her body. There was already so much happening at home. Zola's anxiety. Bailey's outbursts. The fact that she and Derek had been at odds about moving forward with Zola.She was also the chief of surgery in one of the most prolific hospitals in the country. People depended on her. Lives depended on her.She didn't need this problem now."I wouldn't have given you the job if I didn't trust you," she continued calmly, "But if any attending has any concern, it's my job-."Derek rubbed his face as he quietly asked, "Who raised the concern? Hunt? Ndugu? Altman?""I can't-" Meredith swallowed a lump. She couldn't tell him."Amy?" Derek asked again, "Amelia came to you.""Derek, it was not your sister! And I can't-""Pierce?"Meredith said nothing, "I can't tell you-"Your face says everything you're thinking. That's never changed," he muttered angrily, "Maggie brought it up, didn't she?""Der-""No, it's fine," Derek opened the door and began to walk out."Dr. Shepherd!"The doors shuffled closed as he stormed out of the scrub room. The other set of doors opened with Griffith running in."Dr. Grey you need to come in here!""Derek!" Maggie walked up to him, "Okay, I was a little mean earlier when you asked about the Winston thing and I think it's because-"Derek sighed angrily, "I don't have time, Dr. Pierce-"Dr. Pierce? He rarely called her that when they discussed personal matters in fact, he never called her Dr. Pierce unless they were in a professional setting. She was either Maggie or Mags- though she wasn't always fond of the latter.Maggie furrowed her brows, "I'm sorry, okay. It's just that-""You know the next time you're having a problem with how I run the residency program, I'd appreciate it if you gave me the courtesy of discussing it with me before you run to the chief," Derek stopped and faced her."Excuse me?" She scoffed. She hadn't expected Meredith to giver her up that way. There was a decorum chiefs were expected to follow."You couldn't talk to me about Adams you went straight to Meredith?" Derek asked."Derek-""Maggie, we've been discussing you needing to let them do their jobs in cardio, I brought in Schmitt and give you Griffith and yet you go to Meredith-""Really Dr. Shepherd? By my standards it seems like you don't want him to fail so you hold his hand every chance you get!""That's not what I'm doing!""He doesn't get enough practice-""You barely give any of the interns any chance-"The bickering caught the attention of the nurses and fellow colleagues in the hallways of the surgical wing. They could feel the eyes of everyone on them. The whispers and gossip would soon follow.Maggie shook her head, "How do you expect me to let him scrub in if he can't even remember the steps!"Margaret Pierce was a hell of a surgeon. Everyone in the hospital knew that. Derek had respected that. She wouldn't make accusations lightly. She wouldn't bring anything up unless it truly bothered her. Sure sometimes she seemed a little immature, but when it came to the profession, she was nothing but level headed. A true daughter of Ellis Grey and Richard Webber."No, Dr. Pierce, you're right. He is slow," Derek conceded, "He forgets the steps. He's too much in his head during procedures. I'm not going easy on him, but I know what he can handle. That's my job as Residency Director-!""So then what am I still doing here?"Both surgeons turned around to see a familiar face standing with a heartbroken, disillusioned look in his face.Derek sighed,"Lucas-""No, no, I get it," he looked between Derek and Maggie, "Guess I'll never be good enough, huh? Everything you said earlier was just a load of b-"Derek blinked, "Shep that's not what I-""That's not my name!" Lucas shouted, "It's Lucas."Derek stared at him surprised at his outburst."I just came to tell you I was leaving and was gonna get your kid," Lucas gritted, "It's all I'm good for, apparently, and the only way I'll get your damn respect.""Lucas? Lucas!" Derek tried to run after him before a voice called after him."Dr. Shepherd! We're ready for you," Kwan called out, "Or should I page Dr. Shepherd?The doors to the OR burst open."Chief, you got a second?" Miranda Bailey stepped in. She hadn't scrubbed in yet and she held a mask to her face. She was there to deliver a message. A message she never, ever wanted to deliver."I do not, my hands are in my patient. Griffith I need more visualization," Meredith sighed as she explored, "I don't understand what the hell-""I can take over-" Bailey stepped forward to look into the field expecting Meredith to step back and leave the room."Got it!" Meredith widened her eyes as she quickly worked. She quickly looked up at her former mentor, "You can handle whatever I'm needed for-""Dr. Grey," Bailey glared at her. Her tone commanded her attention, "You need to get your hands off the patient now!"Meredith froze. The last time Miranda had given her an order in such a tone had been during her residency years. In the years of LVAD wire cuts and tampered clinical trials. Now, she wasn't that resident. She was the damn chief of surgery and even she knew that when Miranda Bailey said stop, you stopped. Meredith slowly removed her hands from the field.As she looked up she realized something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong."Ben just called," Miranda slowly explained, "There's been an accident."Meredith froze, this was all too familiar. She'd been here before. She'd been in the middle of this story and it almost ended terribly."Where's Derek?"
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"Dr. Shepherd! We're ready for you," Kwan called out, "Or should I page Dr. Shepherd?Derek blinked before turning to Kwan, "Find Dr. Grey tell her to assign this to Dr. Amelia Shepherd, she should be out of surgery-""Dr. Grey's still in OR 2, just saw her in there. And Dr. Shepherd is also in the OR.""Dr. Grey's in-" Derek furrowed his eyebrow, "What do you mean? She was just out-?"Lucas was out. Lucas had just stormed out and he had watched the surgery till the very end. If Lucas had been dismissed there was no way Meredith could still be in there unless there had been a complication. Which to his bad luck, there was."I'm guessing there was a complication?" Kwan shrugged as he confirmed Derek's suspicions, "Dr. Bailey was supposed to be in there by now for an ex-lap."Derek sighed as he looked to the board. Kwan was right, Bailey was supposed to be next surgeon in the room and Amelia had her own surgery. Derek glimpsed at his own name on the board. He had promised Dana he would watch after her son. He made a promise her son would have a chance."Let's go," Derek turned motioned towards the doors leading to the ORs. He tightened his scrub cap as he ignored Dr. Pierce. She stook confused at the sudden outburst."Derek, we're not done!" Maggie called out as she watched him march away.A failure. An absolute failure. He was a failure as a son. As a brother. A husband. A father. And now he could add uncle to the list. Hell maybe even residency director for that matter. He was never good enough.At least, that's what Derek Shepherd felt every single time he let someone down. And today, he managed to hit a home freakin run. He let down Meredith, Chief Grey, when he was accused of playing favorites.He let down his nephew when he overheard him rant to Maggie.But in this OR, he had no room to let anyone down at all. This little boy needed to go home and by God, Derek would make sure he would go home safe and sound. Free of a tumor and on his way to recovery.In this OR, Dr. Derek Shepherd was perfect. Surgery was what had fed his ego for many years and what made him feel there was some sense of invincibility. The cold steril room reminded him that what he did with his hands required perfection with little room for mistakes. His reputation of being an arrogant ass was fed by his push for perfection.Derek carefully studied the monitor before grasping the probe handed by the surgical nurse."Now we identify the cerebellar tonsils," Derek muttered under his mask, "What's next?""You're gonna inspect the inferior vermis," Kwan answered confidently, "You think we'll get the whole tumor? .""I think so. Confidence is key in the OR. Confidence in what you can and can't do. This?," Derek replied as he reached for an instrument, "This I can do."Kwan nodded. He admired the surgeon's confidence. He wanted that. And he envied the way Lucas had been privy to the Shepherds' secrets as surgeons. It must've been a hell of a way to grow up.The silence in the room was disturbed by a sudden burst through the doors."Dr. Shepherd?" Owen called out with a mask over his face, "How long is this gonna take you?""I'm pretty deep in here Hunt," Derek peered from his microscope, "Everything okay?"Owen analyzed the situation. A young boy was on his table with his brain stem wide open. Any miniscule wrong move could compromise the surgery.And that's exactly why he had been the one to check in on him. Because Owen would know whether or not he could handle it."Chief needs the OR as soon as you can," Owen replied.Derek furrowed his brow as the strict concentration he had in mind was broken by the thought of the chief. When Meredith Grey was pissed, she left little room for communication. It was her way of putting walls up until she was ready. Clearly today all walls were up and Chief Grey had firmly taken over. And Chief Grey had sent Dr. Hunt in to remind him.Derek rolled his eyes as he felt his insides turn, "Tell the chief there's a ten year old-""Derek, just finish and close up as soon as you can," Owen sighed before making his way out. His tone changed from a professional one to a softer much more personal call.Derek took notice and paused for a second. He took a deep breathe in and proceeded with his work. Dr. Shepherd turned to the monitor and muttered something under his breathe. Once more, the OR had turned into a silent oasis. One where his focus was solely on the patient and the family in the waiting room.Dana loved her little boy. He was around the same age as his own son. He liked baseball and took baking classes. Ellis would like that. Bailey and him would be friends. Maybe if Dana allowed it, he'd bring Bailey over to keep him company. He'd want someone to do that if it was his son stuck on a hospital bed. A friend to let him forget and make him feel normal again. He had his sisters and they loved their brother. He'd have them to keep him company. But right now, his son was not on the table and his girls did not need to keep him company. Not now."Do you think I've been playing favorites?" Derek asked, "With Adams? Do you think I've compromised your learning here?"Kwan carefully thought of his answer, "Dr. Shepherd-""Nevermind," Derek sighed, "Now's not the time. We need to save this patient. Our focus is on him."Kwan nodded, "Yes, sir.""Okay, what's next?"Dana picked at the skin around her nails as she waited in the waiting room. Dana's eyes got a glimpse of a ferryboat scrub cap and stood up quickly, "Derek? How's-?"Derek smiled as he approached Dana, "We got the spinal tumor out and the spinal metastasis,. He will need radiation of the brain and the spinal chord, but your son is now on the road to recovery."Dana fell back to her seat as tears streamed down her eyes. Tears of relief.Derek sat on the chair next to her and rubbed her back, "He's on the road to recovery Dana.""Thank you," she looked up at him and put her hand over his, "Can I see him? Can I please see my little boy?""Of course," Derek nodded as he looked up. Owen stood not too far off waiting for him. Derek nodded and looked towards his intern, "Dr. Kwan is gonna take you up to see him and he is going to run neuro checks every half hour."He stood from his chair as he turned back to Owen. Something about the way he waited made him feel uneasy. Owen stood by the elevators with his brows pressed together, a look of concern and complete uneasiness was washed over him."This is why they say you're the best isn't it?" Dana's voice broke his observation. "You saved my son. How do I-?""Dana," Derek reached to reassure her, "You just take care of your little boy okay? And you page me if you need anything. I'll be checking in."His old friend followed the intern as he motioned towards their path. Derek turned back to Owen and clenched his jaw. He took a few steps forward and met him halfway, "If you're here to tell me that the chief-""Um, Dr. Nelson just got here and he is going to take over your patients and I briefed him on this one so he can check in with Kwan. Amelia is making sure everyone gets taken care of so he's got it"Derek took notice of how Owen didn't take his eyes off his own. He was assessing him."This one's personal I'd rather take this on myself," Derek snapped, "Want to tell me what's going on?"He wouldn't be surprised if she did. He had walked away and had left her alone in the scrub room. He knew her well."Okay, look I need you to keep calm for what I'm about to tell you," Owen gulped, "We received a call of a rig coming in with a MVC accident. Ben and the rest of the team answered it and it looks like-"Lucas had stormed out. Lucas had taken his car. Lucas had left.Derek's mind spun into an endless array of thoughts. A blindfold over him enveloping him with fear and rage and feelings he couldn't control."Spit it out Hunt," Derek froze, "Whose on the rig?""There were two passengers in your car-"Derek pushed him aside as he ran past him to the stairs."Shepherd!"As he pushed past the door, Derek's mind raced.
Way to go Shepherd. Failure once again.
"What happened?" Derek shouted as he ran into the ER, "Where's-? What the hell happened?"Maggie's head snapped towards him and noticed how Owen trailed behind him. Maggie grimaced as she stepped forward, knowing fully well that he was not in control.She pushed Derek back before he could storm into the trauma room, "Derek, he's stable. He is stable and he is awake so you need-"The door behind her opened to reveal Meredith who had fear and anger all over her face."Where the hell have you been?" Meredith yelled as she closed the door behind her, "Did you just-?""Meredith he just got here" Maggie turned to her, "Owen got him as soon-""You knew and you didn't pull me out sooner?" Derek turned to Owen with a bewildered look."You were deep in the boy's brain stem," Owen shook his head as he swallowed, "If the role was reversed-""You would damn well be just as pissed if it was your-""Derek!" Meredith urged. As he turned to her, he noticed the fear that was in her eyes. Something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong and he didn't even know where to start. Whoever was in that room was someone close."He- he, Derek my- Bai-our son's in there-" Meredith stuttered."It's not Lucas?" Derek furrowed his brows as he felt his heart drop straight to the floor and the blood drain from his face. His heart pounded in his head and everything around him seemed to slow down. A long buzzing sound echoed all over until a voice pulled him out.Lucas voice broke through her own, "A car passed a red light and-""What the hell were you doing? Were you even paying attention?" Derek yelled as he reached for his nephew, "How the hell did you let this happen?"He didn't feel when Maggie and Owen tried to push him back or when Meredith called out to him. All he knew was that his son was in a trauma room."I-I-I- he hit the passenger side and Bailey-""How did you let this happen?" Derek lunged again before being pulled back by Owen."Derek, not here," Owen muttered as he held him back, "It's not his fault it was the other driver who was over the speed limit and hit him. Stand down!""Get out," Derek gritted at his nephew.Lucas stared at him dumbfounded before glancing at Meredith. She was helpless and honestly, her face told him that he needed to leave. Right. Now."Derek," Meredith stepped forward and stood in front of her husband. She placed her hands on his chest, "Bailey is inside. We need to-""I trusted you with my son!" Derek continued yelling as he pulled away from Hunt, "You said you had him!"Lucas gulped as he felt all eyes on him, "We were at a red light. The guy ran-""I don't want to hear it-!" Derek cut him off as Alex pulled the door open."Hey!" he scolded , "You and Mer better get in here. Your kid needs you!"Both parents turned to the doctor. Alex Karev was in there. The chief of pediatric surgery. This wasn't good."Where's Derek?""He's in a surgery," Bailey answered, "He's in the hospital. He is safe."
Meredith released a held breath, "So then what's wrong?"
Bailey stared at her, "Meredith, there was an accident on 3rd and there were two passengers."
Meredith's heart dropped. Who was supposed to pick the kids up? Derek told her he'd take care of it right? He'd call Jessica to watch the kids since Erin was out. And if she couldn't, he'd cancel the rest of the day.
"Miranda, what the hell is going on?""One of the passengers was Lucas Adams," she swallowed. From mother to mother, she knew this news was among the most terrifying ones you could give, "And the second was little Bailey.""Bailey?""He's on his way to the hospital. Ben is in the rig with him. Alex is ready to take him in. Do we pull Derek out?"
The doors burst open again. This time Owen was right behind her, "I just went in. He's still working. Amelia is finishing a in OR 1 and Nelson is thirty minutes out. Do we tell Derek?"
Meredith froze. This is where it all pinned against each other. As chief, it was her duty not to disturb a surgeon in their work. The patient came first. As a mother, she needed to run to her child. As a wife, she knew her husband would need to know. And he'd resent her for keeping this from him. And she'd need him whatever the outcome was with their son.
"Okay you two go," Miranda sighed, "Griffith I'm scrubbing in, I'm taking over for Dr. Grey."
Meredith stood there. Frozen. Unmoving.
"Meredith," Miranda walked towards her, "Go to your son. I got this. Go"
Meredith pulled herself out of the trance and shook her head. She stepped back from the patient and ripped her gown off, "Owen, wait for Derek to finish his surgery before you tell him. As soon as he speaks to the family send him to the ER."
"Meredith-""You had this job before and you know him as an attending," Meredith shoved her way to the door as she stared him down, "His hands are in someone's brain. We cannot risk it and he will never forgive himself for making a mistake."Meredith ran out of the hospital and put her hand over her chest. She breathed heavily as her eyes looked up to the sky. The sounds of the busy city enveloped her as a paramedic rig made its way out of the driveway. No sirens were heard around but a few nurses giggled as they passed by and if she were honest, Meredith wanted to choke them this instant. Because who the hell could be laughing while her son was being prepped for surgery.But now was not the time to go numb.She had lost so much. He sister, her mother, her father, friends. People she loved no matter how much they hurt her. And she had somehow found a way to forgive it all and move forward. That's what she always did. She never froze. She moved forward.But this? This feeling of her heart being torn out and stomped all over and held on by someone who wouldn't give it back was unbearable. Her son, her child held it and was nearly crushing it. The worst part was he couldn't help it."Is he okay?" Lucas' voice broke through the thoughts, "He blames me but I promise you I did not drive recklessly after our fight. I would never do that!"She jumped as she blinked. She stared at him confused and dazed as to why he was there until she remembered the chaos in the ER that had happened mere minutes ago. She heaved before shaking her head, "He just went into surgery. He- he had free fluid in the abdomen so Karev took him in. It could be a liver lac.""Oh my god," Lucas sobbed as he ran a hand through his dark har. He paced once before looking up again, "Is he- his head CT-?""Clear," Meredith heaved in relief, "It came out clear, he- o-""Aunt Mer, I'm so sorry," he cried as he tried to step forward, "I-I-I didn't mean to- we were being safe. I had both hands on the wheel. I stopped at the red-""Oh my god," Meredith breathed out, "I- Lucas please for the love of God just shut-""He thinks that I-"His words turned into a buzzing sound that got louder and louder until something just…snapped."Lucas! Shut up! Can you please just shut up for a second?" Meredith shouted, "I get that Derek lashed out at you and I know you're scared! But, Lucas, right now, it is not about you! This is about my son and-""I know, I know," Lucas stepped back, "I'm sorry, I just- I told him I had it-""He was in a car crash. With injuries far worse than you can imagine. And he was mistreated at the hospital they took him to, all while he was awake and alert. Do you know what that's like for a surgeon? Do you know what's that for the wife?"The he they were talking about was Derek. He knew that without asking. Nothing else needed to be said.Lucas blinked as he tried to regain his breathing. He let Meredith continue, "Its the worst fucking feeling until your son is the one whose in a car crash. A child that you didn't think would ever be because for the longest time you thought you'd never have kids on your own so then suddenly you end up pregnant and raise him to be kind and good and he is! He's all of that until a car crash threatens to take it all away!"Meredith wiped her face as she breathed heavily."Our son is in an OR with our friend's hands in him trying to make sure that he is fine. That he'll get to play soccer like he loves to and he'll get to play video games, and try out for hockey like he had planned," She bit her lip as she suppressed a sob, "And I-I just saw my son like I saw his dad and I thought-"Lucas shook as he sobbed, "I didn't mean to hurt Bailey. I wanted to help so I said I'd get him. I didn't see the car pass the red, I did everything right!"There was a moment, a brief moment where Meredith truly saw how scared he was. She knew this kid didn't mean any harm. He would never hurt her kids purposefully. He had dinner with them every Friday. He played video games with Bailey and would go to his soccer games when his schedule let him. Lucas had helped Ellis with her homework and tried the pudding with the gummy worms she made. He had gone with Zola to the science exhibit because none of her siblings were interested in going.And the blood on his shirt told her he had tried everything to protect his young cousin. He was just as scared as she was."I know, Lucas," Meredith leaned in to hold him. Or to let him hold her. She wasn't sure, "I know."Amelia watched carefully as her brother angrily paced from one end to the other. She watched as his eyes were filled with rage, his hand gripped at his salt and peppered tresses while his other was placed at his hip. He was trying- trying- so hard not to yell, but she could tell he was about to combust."What the hell is taking him so long?" Derek gritted through his teeth, "He shouldn't be taking this long if-""Derek," Amelia cut him off, "You're wife is a general surgeon you know it could take some time."Derek rubbed his face with both his hands. Amy could see his eyes were red, as if he had been crying or at least trying to hold it in as best as he could."You-you said his head CT came out-""Karev cleared it. I can't formally give any assessments I'm family," Amy shook her head, "I saw it, it's just a mild concussion."He swallowed a lump and took a few more paces, "Amy what if-?"Amelia stood from her seat and gripped both of his arms, "Derek, listen to me. Your son is going to be okay. He may have a few broken bones, and he may need some time to get better but he will be fine!"Amy gripped his face and forced his eyes on hers, "What happened to you is not happening to my nephew. He will be fine. Do you hear me? Do you understand me? Derek Bailey Shepherd will be fine!"She wasn't sure who she was trying to calm down. Herself or her brother?She had seen his children grow up. She'd seen his youngest two take their first steps and had been there when they said their first words. Had gone to all the recitals, science fairs, and soccer games. She had been for there for it all because her brother had been her most favorite person in the world. Even when he was the arrogant jackass, she loved her brother unconditionally. She couldn't see him break down."This is my fault," he whispered as a sob escaped, "I let him go with-I-I told him he could go and let him-""No! Derek, stop!" Amelia tried to bring him back to reality, "This is not your fault and it's not Lucas' fault either. And you need to get a grip because your wife, your wife needs you and you need her! Do you understand? This is not your fault!"She could tell him that over and over again. Repeat it an infinite amount of times and sound like a broken record. But even Amelia knew her brother wouldn't forgive himself.There was so much noise. So much chaos. So many sounds beeping. People yelling. Footsteps running. So much damn noise echoing down the halls of a hospital that never seemed to have any peace."Chief, we need a signature-""Chief, Dr. Nelson needs-""Chief-""Chief-""Chief-"It was deafening and overwhelming. Meredith was overfilled and overstimulated with everyone's need and her own mind constantly playing tricks with her."Okay everyone shut up! I am not the chief right now! I cannot be the chief! You all know that so do me a favor find someone else and leave me the hell alone!"Meredith slammed the door to her office and slowly slid to the floor. There was a buzz of silence. No voices. No steps. No shuffling of papers. Just thoughts sprinting through her mind. Voices reminding her of the hell she'd been through in the past and the one she was in now. Her elbows rested on her knees as her fingers gripped between her hair. If she closed her eyes maybe the voices would shut up. No. They only grew louder. And the picture of a smiling blonde haired boy covered all her thoughts.God he was such a handsome kid. He had his father's smile, his charm, his blue eyes that were filled with a sparkle of delight. And there was so much mischief behind them. Like he was in on a joke that no one else was. In those blue eyes there was also such sweetness and tenderness. An overprotective might that told her he cared so much for everyone around him, especially his sisters. She'd give anything-everything to see those blue eyes open again.She had filled in all the paperwork as quick as she could. Stupid, she remembered thinking. They knew his name, Derek Bailey Shepherd.They knew his parents' names; Derek Shepherd and Meredith Grey.They knew their address and emergency contacts.Allergies and medical history- dammit he was born there.They knew her son.But consent forms and medical history forms were all a part of Grey Sloan Memorial's protocol. And she wasn't the chief then. She was the mother of the boy in the car accident.Two knocks shook her thoughts away."Meredith?" a voice called out, "Meredith, I need to hear you're okay. Can you at least answer?"She looked up at the desk across from where she was sitting. The name plate reflected her name as if it were a neon sign outside a bar. Calling her attention.Meredith sighed before reaching to unlock the door. She didn't bother to look at the person who stepped inside."Amelia is with Derek in the waiting room," Maggie closed the door behind her, "She says he's also going out of his-"Meredith said nothing. She stared ahead and blinked."Mer?""My son is in the same OR his dad was all those years ago," Meredith whispered, "I was in the OR across from that one being chief, while my son was brought in on a rig-"She was in an OR being chief. Being a doctor. Saving someone else's life.Guilt ate at her."I wasn't there for my-""No, no, no! Mer, stop," Maggie held both of her hands as she knelt down to her sister's level, "This is not your fault, do you hear me? This is not anyone's fault except the idiot who ran the red light.""I am his mother!" Meredith snapped, "My job, my only job is to protect him and I wasn't there!""Meredith!" Maggie placed her hands on her sister's knees, "You love your son- all three of your kids that you would give your life for them! We all know that!"Maggie brushed her hands on her sister's face and wiped the tears, "This. Is not. On you."Maggie's phone rang with a text, "It's Amelia. Alex is done. We gotta-"Meredith stood from her spot and ran down the hall before Maggie could finish.Alex pulled off his scrub cap as he walked into the waiting room. This was the third time he'd been in here with this family.And the second child he'd treated with them.He wouldn't tell them, but he was sick and tired of it. He was sick and tired of their most sacred treasure being in his hands. He just wanted his friend to be happy with her family."He had a grade 2, liver lac," he sighed, "We went in we repaired it and stopped the bleeding. He had no other injuries, no other ruptures, no fractures. He does have some bruises and a slight head head lac but not deep. He's a lucky kid."Alex noticed how Meredith choked a sob back. Relief flooded her body as she melted onto the chair, "He's okay. Bailey is okay."Derek swallowed, "His head CT came out clear? No bleeds?"Alex shook his head. The trauma this family had been too much. Post traumatic stress followed them at every corner they turned and Derek's constant questioning about a head CT didn't stem from his experience as a surgeon. And Meredith's need to repeat to herself that Bailey was okay stemmed from the many losses."Mild concussion but no bleeds, thankfully. You can look at the scans yourself, Derek," Alex passed the tablet to him before turning to Meredith, "Your kid will be fine, Mer. You guys need to get it together before you go in there to see him. He's tired so he's sleeping right now but he needs you two to be okay."Derek heaved as he watched Meredith melt into her chair."Thank you," she whispered before she felt a pair of arms around her. She surrendered herself to them and let herself weep for a moment.Meredith and Derek had been at each other's throats over their jobs but, they'd been a team throughout their children's issues. With only one blunder. Right now, they needed one another and even if it was for a brief moment, they'd hold on to the string that tethered the together.Amelia squeezed her brother's shoulder, "Whose with the girls?""Zola is uh," Derek whispered as he rubbed his wife's back, "Zo is at her friend Angie's house and uh-""Jo is with Ellis," Meredith looked up, "She offered after I got here.""I'm get them," Amy nodded, "I'll take them to the house and have them stay over. Don't worry.""Thank you," Derek whispered.Maggie stared at the pair from the frame of the door before Amelia pulled at her arm and took her with her.She had to run. Run as fast as she could as far as she could. Meredith had pulled away from Derek as soon as she heard the footsteps and made her way to the stairwell."Meredith-""I can't look at you right now," Meredith gritted before she turned to the next flight of stairs.Derek followed her and climbed up the stairs after her, "Meredith-""You knew he was with Lucas? You went at it with Lucas and then you let him get in the car with our-""I didn't-""You knew he was with Lucas?""I didn't know any of this was gonna happen!" Derek yelled back, "You think I would've let my son- that I wanted my son to be here now? That's what you think?""Derek, you-""You didn't tell me he had been in a car crash!" Derek spat out, "You chose to leave me out in the dark while my son was on his way on a rig-""You were working on a small boy, you don't think I know you? You'd never-""I had a right to know, Meredith!""Der-" Meredith suppressed a sob. Until she couldn't. Until she couldn't hold in anything because there was nothing else left to hold it.He wanted to reach towards her. He wanted to hold her and tell her it would be okay and promise everything would be fine. But at this very moment, Derek didn't know if everything would be alright. He didn't have the courage to muster and be the strong one."Mer-"She pushed him away as she continued up the stairs, "I need to get to my son.""Meredith-""Let her go," A familiar voice called to him from the steps below. Miranda climbed up step by step with her blue scrub cap firmly set upon her head, "She needs a minute, you know that. Let her go.""She's gonna blame me and she's right. I blamed her but this is my fault.," Derek gulped, "I let him get Bailey. I yelled at him before-""Did you cross that red light? Did you tell that moron in the other vehicle to cross the red light? Did you know your son and your nephew would be at the wrong place at the wrong time?""No, but-""Nothing." She stepped closer to him, "C'mon now, this isn't your fault. It is not Grey's fault. I'm sure you have been told this already so get it through your damn head!""What if-"No! Stop it!" Bailey yelled, "Derek, you are a good father! Meredith's a good mother! Accidents happen. You love that little boy and so does she! You did not do this!"A wave of deja vu hit him. He had told her nearly the exact same thing years ago when her son had been on the OR table.Derek sunk into the step and covered his face with his hands. Miranda Bailey had only seen Derek Shepherd cry twice. Both times were over his wife. Once because he chose wrong and the other because she had drowned."Derek," Miranda sat next to him and rubbed his back, "You two need each other right now. Even if you don't talk, you need to be in the same room. With your son."
Meredith gasped, "Bailey!"
The family looked at the young boy horrified and yet amused as he licked the frosting off his fingers one by one. Vanilla frosting covered his features as the sisters cackled.
"Wait," Derek shook his head, "Is this why you asked for a cake all to yourself? To smash your head into it?""Mmhmm," the blonde boy smiled as he licked the final bit of frosting off his pinky.
Meredith began to giggle until it turned into a full blown laugh. Zola and Ellis laughed until Derek caught on.
This is what he had wanted. He wanted to make his sisters and his parents laugh after days of being locked down. Days of missing out on school, living in a limbo of what was happening next, being away from friends. All of it. Everyone in the house had been bored and frustrated. And though tight knit as they may have been they had also had a limit.
"This was your plan?" Derek asked as he laughed, "Face plant all over a perfectly made cake?"
Bailey smiled as he took a napkin and wiped his hands, "This is my cake. I get to do whatever I want."
"But now we won't be able to have any!" Ellis exclaimed as her laughter died down."Yes you can," Bailey shrugged as he reached for frosting and wiped it on her cheek. He chuckled a little as she stared ahead dumbfounded at her brother's sudden attack."No fair!" Ellis blinked as she took some frosting and threw it back at her older brother."Yeah," Zola agreed as she took some frosting in her own hand and took her sisters side. She threw it at her brother and winked."Wait-," Derek furrowed his brow."No, no," Meredith shook her head, "you guys, I am not-"
And as soon as that frosting shot was thrown, another and another and another was thrown- much to parent's resistance. Bailey stood from his chair and chased his sisters. They shrieked in delight as they chased one another around the dining table and the living room and the kitchen. Both parents tried to call them in an attempt to protect them from injuries.
"Zo, Ellie-""Bailey," Derek called out as he made his way to the kids, "No running in the house you're gonna-""Dad, get dad!" Bailey shouted. His sisters attention turned to their father as they chased after him. Catching on to the trio, Derek bolted across the room."Derek don't encourage them!" Meredith called out from behind the dining table as they chased him around the living room, "They're gonna-"
She watched as he evaded them at each end and ran all over the living room and around the kitchen. Derek laughed as his kids nearly caught him until an idea crossed his mind.
"Not me! Momma!" Derek ran towards his wife, "Get your momma!'
Meredith's eyes bulged out of her sockets, "No! Don't-!"
The trio of Little Grey Shepherds hounded her on one side of the dining table, as she tried to run the other way, a pair of arms trapped her. They both slid onto the floor in a fit of giggles.
"No," Meredith protested, "Not in my hair!""If I go down, you go down with me," Derek laughed as the kids smeared their parents' faces with frosting.
The house echoed with their laughs. Laughs that resounded and bounced off the walls of each room and echoed in the empty woodlands.
Laughs brought upon a little boy whose birthday was being celebrated. A little boy who wanted a large birthday cake all to himself. A large birthday cake he'd sacrifice all in the name of making his parents and sisters laugh.
Meredith sighed as she closed her eyes. The warm small hand inside hers was the only thing she could feel. His fingers were like her own, long and lithe. Probably one of the few things he had inherited from her. He looked so peaceful. His side swept blonde hair had overgrown and yesterday she had mentioned him needing a haircut. Derek was supposed to take him over the weekend.That was the plan.She listened as each monitor told him her son's status. Sinus rhythm. He was stable."He wants a bike for Christmas," she whispered as she heard someone walk in and sit on the opposite side.Derek rested his elbows on his knees as he stared up at the monitors. For now, he'd take the punches, the shoves, and the glares. It was the least he could do for blaming her even if he wasn't ready to discuss it, "He's too tall for the one he has now."Meredith closed her eyes again. There was almost no Christmas. No new bike."When I got out of the hospital- after all those weeks," Meredith rambled, "I was sitting on the couch and he just ran to me and took the breathe right out. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me so tightly and said, 'Mom, don't go away again. Please don't go away again.'"Derek closed his eyes and shook his head at the dreadful memory of his children missing their mother. He didn't and couldn't hear it but it was how she coped. Rambling. By saying everything and anything that crossed her mind to whoever was in the room.She rambled. He went silent."And he stayed there for such a long time, I thought he had fallen asleep," she let out a soft chuckle as she reminiced back.The machines echoed the otherwise silent room. The tension was so thick between them, like a wall they built meticulously to keep each other at a distance."Derek, what if he-""He's gonna wake up," Derek shook his head refusing to hear the possibility, "He is going to wake up."Meredith closed her eyes and sighed loudly.Derek watched as she tried to hold on to the tears that threatened to fall from her eyes, Meredith-"Small groans interrupted the both of them as they jumped off their seat. Soft blue eyes fluttered as they adjusted to the light."Mom? Dad?""Hey, baby, we're right here," Meredith whispered as she reached for his blonde tresses."We're here, bud," Derek whispered, "How are you feeling."The young boy groaned and winced, "It hurts. This side hurts""I know," Derek explained as he moved to let him see it at a better view, "You just had surgery Bails, it'll be okay. We'll get you some more medicine in a minute."Meredith gulped as she watched Derek reach for the nurse's call button, "You have a few other injuries, baby, but you should be better soon. They're not bad."The parents glanced at each other as they swallowed a lump of relief."Does this mean no soccer or softball again?" Bailey groaned lightly as he winced with pain.The parents couldn't help the breathy chuckle that escaped them. Derek shook his head, "Sorry bud, no sports for a while."She pushed his slight curls back softly as he blinked again, "Where's Lucas? Is he hurt? Is he okay?"Bailey turned his eyes to his father searching for answers. Meredith noticed how Derek froze in place, unsure of what to reply."He's fine," his mom answered, "A few bruises and cuts but he's-"Derek turned to his wife. He didn't know what happened after she stepped out of the hospital. All he knew was that he was angry and he let it get the best of him.Meredith sighed and for a brief fleeting moment, both parents waved a white flag."Lucas will be fine," Meredith nodded, "We will all be fine."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"Miranda, what the hell is going on?"
Meredith could see the hesitation in her long time mentor's eyes. Miranda gripped onto the mask and shifted her weight before speaking, "One of the passengers was Lucas Adams. And the second was little Bailey."
Bailey. Her Bailey. Her kind, bright, smart, funny, charming Bailey. That's who she was talking about.
She could feel her breathe hitch as she mustered all her energy to ask, "Bailey?"
"He's on his way to the hospital. Ben is in the rig with him. Alex is ready to take him in. Do we pull Derek out?"
Everything seemed to slow down around her and all the noise seemed to tune out into nothingness.
Bailey was in a car accident. Bailey. Her Bailey. Her kind, bright, smart, funny, charming Bailey. Was in a car accident.
"Meredith?"
She stared at Owen as he asked something. Derek. She needed to find Derek as soon as possible. Now.
She tried to move from her spot but her body didn't seem to make any connections to the signals her brain was sending.
All she knew was that Bailey was in a car accident. Bailey. Her Bailey. Her kind, bright, smart, funny, charming Bailey. Was in a car accident.
"Meredith!"Meredith's eyes snapped open and made contact with a set of blue eyes. She blinked several times as her eyes settled on the figure in front of her. Someone must've dimmed the once fluorescent lights that brightened the room."You fell asleep," Derek whispered, "You should stay with Amy and the girls. I can stay with him for the rest of the night," he insisted.Meredith shook her head, "No, I'm gonna stay. If you want to go and-""I'm not gonna go either," Derek pressed his lips together, "Do you want me to ask them for-""I'm fine," Meredith cut him off as she stood from the couch and walked towards the monitors. The steadily beeped and assured her that Bailey was stable.Meanwhile, she could hear something else crash. And she wasn't so sure they'd be able to save it.All that mattered was Bailey. Her Bailey. Her kind, bright, smart, funny, charming Bailey. Who had survived a car accident.
Day 1 Post-Op
"Dr. Shepherd?" Griffith whispered at the door.Derek inhaled deeply as he turned to the door. He turned to the couch where Meredith had curled and fallen asleep again. Still in scrubs. He glanced at the monitors that told him his son was fine. Everything was okay.He quickly stood up and followed Griffith out the door, "Sorry Dr. Shepherd, but I just wanted to check in and ask if you or Dr. Grey needed anything? We heard about last night and I just wanted to-""Um, no, thanks Griffith," he quickly checked the time on his clock before turning back to her, "Shouldn't you be doing rounds now""We're about to start but we skipped peds given that Dr. Karev asked we give you and Dr. Grey some privacy," she nodded as she peered once again into the room, "He should come in soon.""Okay good. Thanks," Derek stuffed his hands into the pockets of his scrubs, "Did Dr. Adams come in today? Is he-?""No, I haven't seen him since we scrubbed in with Dr. Grey,'' Griffith pressed her lips together as she watched him huff out defeated. She rubbed her hands together as she noticed the worried look on his features, "Are you sure you're okay? I mean I know not totally because-"Derek sighed, "Yeah, I'm- thanks Griffith, you should get back to Dr. Hunt. He'll be overseeing you guys for the next few days."Simone nodded and took a few steps away before turning back, "If I see him, I'll let you know."He didn't have to press to know who she was referring to. He simply nodded, conveying as many wordless thanks as he could.As he walked into the room, Meredith opened her eyes. She blinked a few times before settling her eyes on him, "What happened?""Griffith came to check in. Said Karev would be in soon," he explained as he sat on the chair again, "Did you want coffee? Tea? I can go get you a cup before he-.""No," Meredith shook her head, "Nurses come in to-?""Katy is his nurse for the day, she was in here a few-""And you didn't wake me up?" Meredith stared at him."You had just fallen asleep she was in here at dawn," he tried to reason as she rolled her eyes at him.Meredith stuffed her face into her hands before standing to stare at the monitors again. She analyzed each number carefully before turning to her son and running on hand through his blonde tresses."Okay, one of us has to go get the girls," Derek whispered as he walked to the opposite side of the bed, "I can go check in on them and take them to school."Meredith shook her head before looking up at him, "Fine.""Meredith-""It's fine, Derek," she waved him off before making her way to the door, "I'm fine. We're fine. It's fine, drop it. I'm gonna get find Alex."Derek sighed deeply before following her out of the door and down the hall. She heard his footsteps and opened the door to an empty waiting room and groaned when she didn't hear the door shut behind her as intended."I swear to God, Derek, just leave it alone," she sighed tiredly as she flopped onto a chair and stuffed her face into both hands, "I'm not fighting with you right now, I can't!"Derek slammed the door behind him and faced her, arms crossed, ready for another round."No," he insisted, "You are blaming me for what happened and that's-""You're seriously going to act like a martyr? This isn't about you Derek!""No it's not" he scoffed, "But for every little thing that happens to the kids, any accident, you always seem to find a way to blame me. It happened last year when he hurt his wrist while you were off-""Okay, no!" Meredith stood up, "That? What you're about to say? That was different-""How was it different? That last time-""Think very carefully about what you're going to say, Derek!""-you were in Minnesota, Meredith!""What the hell are you trying to say?" She couldn't help the tears that had formed in her eyes, "Is this you once again throwing at my face how terrible of a mother I am?""It's what you've been doing!" he yelled back, "You've been trying to find a way to put all the blame on me whether it's Zola or Bailey, everything is my fault! You think I'm a terrible father and that I can't-""Don't you dare, Derek!" Meredith gritted loudly."You let me stay on with a surgery without telling me he was in the ER!""Screw you, Derek!" Meredith shouted, "You want to act like the victim here? Fine! But you are not going to pin this on me! I tried, okay! I tried by damn best to do both-!""Alright enough!" Maggie's voice cut through the both of them, "We can all hear you down the hall and this isn't helping!""Don't worry we're done here," Meredith stomped out of the room and made her way back to her son's room.Derek stood motionless and blinked. How did it all come to this?"Derek?" Maggie quietly asked, "Are you-"He turned and stomped out of the room as he took off his white coat, "I'm gonna go get my girls."
Meredith ran down the stairs as quick as she could. She opened the room to the ER and saw as the room bustled with patients. She didn't noticed when they all looked at her and whispered. She didn't notice when she almost crashed with another attending or when a nurse tried to hold her back.
She ran out the doors as she spotted Teddy Altman and Alex Karev waiting with yellow trauma gowns on.
"Where's Bailey? How bad is it?" she burst as she stood between both surgeons, "What's their ETA? What the hell is taking them so long?""Woah, woah, what the hell are you doing here? Go back inside!" Alex shouted as he tried to hold her back."Don't tell me to go back inside Alex!"
The faint sounds of sirens could be heard approaching.
"Meredith you need to go back inside, now," Teddy tried gently, "You are not the chief right now-""I'm not leaving until I see Bailey!" Meredith cried out.
The ambulance turned the corner into the driveway as the sirens loudly blared and the lights flashed.
The ambulance carrying Bailey. Her Bailey. Her kind, bright, smart, funny, charming Bailey. Was in a car accident.
"Grey?""Grey!"Meredith jumped as she turned to the voice besides her.Miranda eyed Meredith who stood motionless in front of the vending machine."How's little Bailey? I heard he's awake and should recover nicely."Meredith shook herself out of her trance, "Yeah, it uh,it was a liver lac but Alex repaired it and his vitals are good. He should be good.""Good, good," Miranda sighed, "How are you and Derek doing? These things are always-""I'm fine," Meredith inserted the money into the machine and pressed the buttons. The machine whirled until a bag of chips fell."Meredith Grey," Miranda scoffed, "I know what that means. You and-""Dr. Bailey," Meredith turned to her, "Everything is fine. We're all fine. I will be fine."Miranda raised a brow and shook her head, "Look, if you and Derek need some time off and need to go home to rest, I will happy to stay with-""No," Meredith curtly turned and shook her head, "But thanks."
Day 3 Post -Op
"Okay, I thought your dad was the kind of dad that encouraged you to play sports and was all anti video games'" Amelia scoffed, "How are you so good at this?""He can be. But he knows I like sports and I really wanted this for my birthday last year," he sighed, "Dad and I play together and I usually beat him and then Skywalker came and now I play with him.""Skywalker?" Amelia furrowed her brows at her nephew. She had volunteered to stay with him after overhearing that her nieces wanted to see their brother. If this had been her own brother, she too would be annoying her parents until they gave in and took her to Derek."Oh, Lucas," Bailey turned to his aunt, "I heard that's what they call him here so I call him that. It bugs him."Amelia chortled as she continued to aimlessly play at the controller, "You are good at this you know that? You might need to teach Scout when he gets older.""Do you know where Lucas is?" Bailey's voice softly asked as he pressed paused and set down the remote, "He hasn't come to see me. Is he okay?""Um he's okay," Amelia sighed, "He's-""Bailey!"The young boy turned to the door and spotted a blonde little girl running towards him. He had instantly recognized the voice the second he heard it."Ellis, it's a hospital," Zola's voice gently chided, "Mom and dad said we needed to talk softly!"Ellis stopped at the door and smiled brightly at the sight of her brother, "Bailey you're alive!""Hang on squirt you can't jump on the bed, you can hurt him," Alex warned as he walked in behind the pair.Amelia watched them walk in and kept her eyes firmly on the parents walking into the room. There was tension between the pair but they were making some effort to put a united front. At least for the kids.Bailey rolled his eyes at his sister's comment, "Of course I'm alive. Uncle Alex made sure I was, right Uncle Alex?""That's right," Alex turned to the third person in the room, "Hey, Zo, you okay?""Is he gonna be alright? Like really really alright?" she heaved."Zola," Derek whispered as he stepped forward, "He's gonna be okay, we promise."Zola stared at her father and took deep breaths before walking towards her brother's bed, "Bailey if you let this happen again, I promise I will make your life impossible, you hear me?""Zola," he sighed, "You and Ellis already do."Amelia looked up at Derek and chuckled lightly. He didn't return the chuckle. Instead he stared at his children.Alex joined in as he turned to the door expecting to see Meredith laugh at the comment that sounded like it came out her own mouth. Instead what he found was his friend frozen in place.
Day 4 Post- Op
"I don't need to tell you who this patient is," Alex turned to the group, "So you better not screw up in there, got it?"The interns nodded as the shuffled in the room and stood at the front of the bed."Whose presenting?" Karev asked as he winked at the young boy in front of him, "Get ready to be the center of attention kid."Bailey chuckled. As if he didn't enjoy it already.Griffith cleared her throat, "Derek Bailey Shepherd, age ten. Came in after an MVC where he suffered a grade 2 liver laceration. Dr. Karev performed-"Bailey blinked as he stared at the intern describing-whatever she was saying. He looked around at each of their faces and didn't find the person he had been looking for. Wasn't he supposed to be in this group of interns?"This is weird," Bailey whispered to his dad."I know," Derek ruffled the locks on his forehead and gave him a slight smile, "They're almost done I promise.""Okay Bailey," Alex heaved, "You've been trapped here for a few days now. I think it's time we bail you outta here and send you home. What do you think?""Yes, please," Bailey answered enthusiastically, "I wanna go back to my own bed. I even miss my sisters. I didn't think I'd ever say that."Derek laughed as Meredith shook her head in amusement. Their eyes made brief contact. As if they were ready to tease their son in unison. Instead, a combination of anger and fear met each other and whatever light banter was effectively dead."Okay then" Alex turned to the parents, "He shows no signs of edema, he's eating well, and he's lucky to be going home with two surgeons. I think we're ready to discharge."Derek sighed, "What about head trauma? We ran the-""Like a million times, Shepherd," Alex shook his head as he pulled the scans out on his tablet and showed him, "But you are gonna be home for a few days, Bailey, and you can't do sports for a few weeks. Sorry."Bailey sighed, "There went soccer finals. And hockey tryouts.""You can try again next season, sweetie," Meredith whispered as she gently squeezed his hand. He smiled at her and then sighed deeply, unhappy at the instructions his surgeon gave him."I'll have someone come in with discharge papers," Alex sighed, "Call me if you have any pain. Don't be a tough guy and listen to your mom and dad. I know it's hard but they're doctors and they know what to do."Both parents smiled gratefully before Alex turned back to his patient."Sometimes," Alex added with a wink, "I'll check in on you before you go, okay Bails?""Okay, Uncle Alex," Bailey chuckled and watched as everyone stepped out."I'll be back," Derek whispered as he stepped out of the room.The interns waited outside the room as Derek walked out and closed the door behind him, "Hey guys I just wanted to thank you for holding down the fort and-"He rubbed his forehead as he continued, "Look I know I've been out and the chief's been out but Dr. Hunt has covered for me over the last few days and he's had nothing but good things to say about you. All of you."The interns grinned thankfully and pleased at their teacher's words."And thank you for taking care of my kid. I'm never gonna be able to thank you enough," Derek sighed once more, "Anyone seen Adams?""Dr. Hunt gave him a few days to-," Griffith pointed, "He uh isn't ready to be back-""Got it. Thank you Griffith," Derek nodded knowingly, "Okay, go keep doing what you've been doing. I'll check in with you guys soon.""Ten-year-old male, abdominal pain, vitals show a B.P of 100 over 80 and a pulse of 120," the paramedic shouted as he pulled the gurney down.
Meredith pushed past Alex as she saw Teddy reach the gurney. Lucas stepped out of the rig and made eye contact with Meredith.
"He's awake," he shouted as Meredith followed the gurney in, "He's awake and he-he-""Bailey? Bailey! I'm here, can you hear me?" Meredith gripped the gurney as they pushed it into a trauma room."Momma it hurts. My stomach hurts," he winced, "It really hurts!"
It was like someone had torn into her chest and ripped her lungs out. There was no air, no room to breathe. Alex and Teddy worked on her son and for a moment she couldn't hear and wouldn't hear anything that was being said.
"Stomach is rigid, we're gonna need a CT," Teddy called out."There's free fluid in the abdomen," Alex shook his head as he moved the ultrasound around his abdomen"Get him a CT now," Meredith commanded, "And a head CT, now, Alex. Do it now!""You need to step outside, Dr. Grey," Teddy shouted."Altman, I am the chief-""Not right now!" Alex yelled, "You're his mother right now, not our chief so go outside!""Alex-" Meredith shouted as Bailey groaned in pain."Mer, go find Derek," he turned to her as he quietly muttered, "He's gonna need surgery. Find Derek."
Meredith froze. The world around her continued but she froze.
She knew what surgery was. She was acutely aware that surgery meant cutting someone open and risking everything to save a life. Any procedure-routine or not- could be catastrophic. And her son would need surgery.
Bailey needed surgery. Her Bailey. Her kind, bright, smart, funny, charming Bailey. Her Bailey who was in a car accident.
Meredith stared at the board as her eyes fixed on the doctors' names and the procedures. A busy day. A very busy board. With two surgeons down."Hey," Maggie stood next to her, "I heard Bailey gets to go home today. You must be so relieved.""I am," Meredith pursed her lips in a tight smile, "Thank you for helping with Zola and Ellis by the way. I know you've been helping Amelia.""Of course," Maggie rubbed her shoulder, "You don't need to thank me."Meredith fixated her eyes back on the board."What's wrong?""We are down one neurosurgeon for the next few days, I need to try-""So Derek is taking a few days off? I thought -""What are you trying to say?"Maggie blinked, "I was just asking-""I can do my job and I can be a mother at the same time, Dr. Pierce. You don't need to question everything.""Mer, I was just-"Meredith turned on her heels and stomped down the hall until she reached the elevator. She pressed the button once. Twice. A third until the doors opened and let her in.Maggie stared at her sister from far away- her sister she didn't quite recognize.
Day 7 Post Op
Meredith stepped out of the bedroom and adjusted the collar of her shirt, "What are you doing?"Derek stood by the breakfast bar packing two lunchboxes, "Lunch for the girls, we're about to head out. What are you doing?"His briefcase was by the door and he was dressed in a blue dress shirt with dark trousers. He was decidedly headed back to the hospital. Without warning."I-I was getting ready for- Derek I thought you were staying with Bailey today?""I thought you were staying," he furrowed his brows, "Your alarm went off and you didn't get up.""I didn't hear it," she rolled her eyes, "You just turned it off without asking me?""No-I-You know what, it's fine, I'll stay. You can go to work."She blinked as she watched him wrap up the lunchboxes. Anger coursed through her body."Don't do that," she raised her voice slightly Don't act like you're the only one splitting yourself in pieces to be home and do their job-""I never said I was the only one," he matched her tone, "You are the one who-""No you-""Ready!" Ellis' high timbered voice broke through their conversation, "Oh, I thought Daddy was going to take us."Derek placed both palms on the counter and stared at Meredith."He is, Ellie-Belle. Your dad is taking you to school and after he's going to work. He gets to decide now," she walked to her daughter and placed a kiss at the top of her head, "Have a good day at school. I'll see you two later."Derek leaned on the counter as he let a deep breathe out.She wouldn't- could not- let anything go. And as far as Meredith Grey knew, Derek Shepherd was the culprit of their son's accident. And she would never forgive him.Ellis eyed both parents, furrowed her brows, and shrugged.Amelia walked down the hallway. She opened the door and was surprised to find her brother sitting in the attending's lounge staring at the ceiling."What the heck are you doing here? I thought you'd be at home with Bailey?""Meredith is with him today." he rubbed his face. He adjusted himself and sat straighter, "He's fine, he's been good.""Oh," Amelia closed the door behind her and stepped closer,"You guys are taking turns?""Apparently," he muttered, "I don't get a say because I put him in the car with-""Derek-""No, it's fine. I'm good," he stood from the couch and reached for the styrofoam cup on the table in front of him, "I have an aneurysm I have to clip-""Lucas is staying at the house with me," Amy blurted. Derek froze in his place as he listened to her speak."He uh, he moved into one of the empty bedrooms and is staying for a while," Amelia continued as she watched her brother freeze, "He asked if I could pick up his stuff-.""Fine," Derek tried walked out of the room before Amelia stopped him again."He's asked about him," she blurted, "Bailey? He's asked about Bailey. He's worried so I told him he was home and he was getting better."She watched as Derek stuffed his hands into the pockets of his coat, the tension in his shoulders was evident."I know it's hard right now, Derek, but he does blame himself. And someday, hopefully soon, you need to forgive him," Amelia swallowed, "You cast these massive rays of sunshine around everyone when you are at your best but when you are pissed you have this massive shadow over you and-""Amy-""It's like a rainstorm over everyone-""Amelia, this wasn't just anyone in the car with him! This was Bailey! My son!""You don't think he knows that!" Amelia shouted back, "I get it, and I would be pissed off if I were in your shoes too! But if you don't forgive him- if you can't forgive him- you will never forgive yourself, Derek!"Derek heaved heavily as he stared at his sister."He didn't mean to put Bailey in any danger," Amelia's shoulders dropped as her voice softened, "He didn't mean to hurt you or Meredith as much as he did but he is carrying that burden.""What if I'm not ready?" he swallowed as tears formed in his eyes, "She blames me and she's right. I can't- I put Bailey in that car, Amy. I let him- and I don't think I can forgive my-""This. Was not. Your fault," Amelia stepped forward as she gripped his face, "If you can't forgive yourself, how do expect her to forgive you?"The lump in his throat was too much to swallow down and he couldn't hold anything anymore.The dam burst.
She heard him. She could swear she faintly heard his voice somewhere outside.
"Momma, where' dad? Am I gonna be-" Bailey groaned again, "Momma it hurts.""Hang on little guy, we're giving you medicine for the pain now," Alex tried his best to soothe him before he turned back to his friend, "Seriously, out, you need to find him now."
Meredith blinked before turning to his son, "I'm gonna go get him okay baby? I'll be right back."
Bailey groaned in some sort of acknowledgement before she stepped out of the room and spotted her husband.
"Where the hell have you been?" she blurted, "Did you just-?""Meredith he just got here" Maggie turned to her, "Owen got him as soon-""You knew and you didn't pull me out sooner?" Derek turned to Owen who had just arrived. He quickly met Meredith's eyes before turning back to Derek.
She told Owen to wait. To wait until Derek was ready and his hands were no longer on another child's brain. But now he was here. He was here and their son needed them.
"Derek!" Meredith reached for him. How she would tell him the news, she wasn't sure. She wasn't sure she could, "He- he, Derek my- Bai-our son's in there-""It's not Lucas?" Derek asked with a confused look.
Meredith froze. He knew Lucas was with Bailey. Derek knew Lucas was with Bailey.
"A car passed a red light and-""What the hell were you doing? Were you even paying attention?" Derek yelled at the source of the voice. Lucas blinked in surprise and fear as Derek asked again, "How the hell did you let this happen?"
The world seemed to stop around her. Everything was completely out of her hands. No matter how much control she could have, nothing was truly in her control. She didn't take notice when Derek lunged towards Lucas. Or when Maggie yelled at him. Or when Owen held him back. All she knew was that Bailey would need surgery.
Bailey needed his parents in the room. Her Bailey. Her kind, bright, smart, funny, charming Bailey. Her Bailey who was in a car accident.
"Get out," she heard Derek shout at Lucas.
It was like her body moved through the motions. She had no control except the knowledge she needed to get into the room, "Derek, Bailey is inside. We need to-"
"I trusted you with my son!" Derek continued yelling as he pulled away from Hunt, "You said you had him!"
Lucas tried to explain what happened but Meredith couldn't hear it. Not now.
"Hey!" Alex stepped out of the room and glared at Meredith. Then at Derek , "You and Mer better get in here. Your kid needs you!"
"Meredith?"Derek's voice shook her from her memory. She stared at the door from the kitchen as he removed his coat and hung it near the door. His briefcase was lying carelessly on the floor."I asked you about Bailey. Did he feel like eating today?"Meredith stared at him before shaking her head, "No. Not really. He uh, had some chicken soup but he wasn't really up for it."Derek stared at her for a moment as Amelia's words rung in his ear. He wasn't the only one who needed to forgive himself. He could see she was berating herself- torturing herself over and over again. She was good at it, he knew that."I"m going to-""I need to talk to you outside-" He walked towards the french doors leading to the back porch.Meredith sighed deeply from the hallway, "You know what Derek? I'm really tired and I have to go to bed early if I'm-""Meredith," he called towards her again. His eyes silently begged her to humor him.She rolled her eyes and walked across the room and through the french doors as Derek closed the door behind them."I really am not in the mood, Derek," Meredith sighed, "If this is about this morning-""No, it's not," he closed the door behind him, "I get it, you need to blame someone and you blame me.""Derek-""You are right! It's my fault. All of it, it's on me," Derek shouted, "Bailey, Lucas, all of it it's on me. I should've pushed for him to stay and not pick him up. It is on me.""Are you seriously, seriously-""I'm not making myself a martyr," Derek shook his head as his voice cracked, "I've been going over it over and over again because I can't get through the fact that I-"Meredith stared at him as tears formed in her eyes."Lucas heard Maggie and I fight over what you said before he left. I know someone else passed a read light and that was out of Lucas' hands but I shouldn't have let him get Bailey. I had the chance to hold him back and I let him go."A dam burst. A flood of rage and anger burst through as she stomped towards him and pushed him, "I hate you!""I know," he nodded as she pushed him again, "I know.""I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" she cried out as her hands made contact with his chest. Over and over, and over again with each time she spat out the feeling gnawing at her on the insides. All of the pain, the hurt, the anger, the fear, it was all coming out in the spec of a moment like water bursting from a dam."I hate that I hate you," she cried out with one final blow where she finally let the pain melt away into a puddle of tears and all the energy was finally blown over as she melted down. He fists stayed curled into a ball against his chest. She did hate him. She did blame him. The truth was that she hated that this was out of her hands. That one small decision had changed the course of their lives and briefly paused it with fear hanging like a sword over their head. She hated him."I know you hate me," he whispered as he held her. His hand cradled the back of her head as she cried into his shirt, "I know."
Day 10 Post-Op
"Okay, I brought your homework and a few assignments that review where you left off in math, english, science and history. You're working on the fall of the Roman Empire. That was my favorite so I can help you come up with a cool project from home before you-""Zola-""I wanted to let you rest so I only brought the basics last week but now I know you where you left off in math. I had Mrs. Barton too and I got her to show me her long term plans for the next couple of days and can guess the rest of the week so-""Zo-""Bailey," she turned to him, "Just because you're home all day doesn't mean you get to miss out and fall behind."Bailey stared at his sister, "Fine.""Here," Zola gave him a few workbooks, "Review this and then I'll teach you what's next. I guess it's a good thing I'm a genius""Zola!""If you tell me to leave you alone, Bailey, I promise you-""Zo!" Bailey rolled his eyes, "I'm happy you're a genius or whatever."
Day 14 Post-Op
"Incision's healing nicely," Alex commented, "I think you're ready to go back to school. I don't want you doing any sports or any PE in school and there's also several restrictions you need to follow but I think we're getting closer to the finish line.""Good, Zola's a genius but I miss school," Bailey sighed, "Don't tell her I said that.""Yeah, let's not," Meredith chuckled.After he finished his check up. Alex closed the door behind him with Meredith following him out, "You wanna tell me what's up with you?""What are you talking about?""You and Shepherd. You two are a set whenever one of the kids is in with something serious. He was here on his own for his first check up and now it's you. Is it the chief thing and the director thing? Are you guys super busy?""Alex-""Or are you two at each other's throats again?" Alex stared at her and watched as she rolled her eyes."My marriage is none of your-""Yeah except your child is my patient so it is my business," Alex gritted, "You two need to get it together. Whatever the hell it is cut it out.""Did you say this to him too or is this just a 'yell at Meredith' thing?""You were the one lying in my bed all those years ago, remember? I don't want you in there again."
Day 20 Post-Op
"I'm breaking HIPPA right now you know that?" Owen released a long sigh as he walked into Derek's office, "You're gonna get me arrested.""This is you asking for a consult from the neurosurgeon on call," Derek shook his head as he took the tablet, "My tablet ran out of battery so I'm looking at yours.""Yeah, let's pretend this guy wasn't the one who hit-""Hunt," Derek warned."Does Grey know you've been doing this? Does she know you've been checking this guy's chart every day even though you were both locked out-"This was checking in on the patient who was effectively brain dead."Meredith doesn't need to know everything Hunt-" Derek muttered as he scrolled through each scan.Owen scoffed, "Yeah except she's the chief."Derek looked up at Owen and shook his head, "His family is taking him off the vent? ""Tonight," Owen sighed, "Brain activity has gradually decreased. They were hanging on to the very last thread of hope but… Derek, what's going on with you and Meredith?""I don't get myself involved in your marriage, do I Hunt?" Derek glared at him.Owen shook his head, "If you don't make it right you're gonna lose her. And you'll never get her back."Derek ignored him as he went through scan after scan. Over and over again."This was a lost cause since the day of the accident," Derek scrolled to each scan, "We were too late."Owen watched as Derek opened the door and walked out of the room, unsure of who he was talking about."Daddy?""Yes, baby girl?," Derek turned to his youngest who had just run in from the hallway. He was sitting on the couch after helping Bailey into bed. He had finally returned to school but had arrived exhausted."Are you okay?" her green eyes blinked several times as she eyed him curiously, "You stopped building my treehouse."Derek smiled tightly as he opened his arms to welcome her on the couch next to him, "We're just a little busy trying to get Bailey back on his feet again. I promised I'd finish it soon.""Oh, okay," Ellis cuddled next to him as she wrapped one arm around him, "Are you and mom mad? Is it because I pushed Cassie off the swing?"They'd received a phone call from her teacher that morning. Ellis had been upset at a classmate and had insisted it was her turn on the swing. She pushed her off the swing and proceeded to climb on the swing. Apparently, a teacher's assistant had seen the incident and tried to explain that Ellis wasn't right in pushing her. Ellis refused to apologize until her father had insisted she write an apology letter.Derek shook his head as he felt his daughter tighten her arms around him, "Ellis, what you did in school wasn't right."Ellis pushed away from him and sat on her knees. She pouted slightly as she looked at him, "I know. I'm sorry. I won't do it again."Derek pushed her blonde hair back, "Are you feeling left out? You okay, Ellie-Belle?"Ellis blinked once. Then again, "You and momma still love me right?"Derek's heart dropped as his eyes softened. He pushed a stray strand behind her ear, much like he had done many a times to her own mother, "Ellis, we love you so much. So much."Ellis couldn't help herself and lunged over until her arms wrapped around his neck. She tucked her head between his jaw and neck and squeezed tightly, like she was scared to let him go."I love you so much, Ellis," he whispered as he stroked her hair, "so much."Meredith stood behind the sink as her daughters sat on the breakfast bar eating a late dinner. Derek and Bailey sat on the dining table each working on their own things. Bailey had some school work to catch up on. Derek had a case to work on and interns that needed assignments."Dad?"He looked up across the table to his son, "Yeah Bails?""Why hasn't Lucas come to see me?"Meredith peered over to the dining table awaiting an answer. This could go one of two ways. Either Derek told the truth or he could lie. She had a feeling what'd he do."He's uh," Derek blinked, "He's a little busy right now."Meredith rolled her eyes. Lie. Of course he'd go with the lie."He was careful, Dad," Bailey mumbled, "I was talking a lot and he was trying to concentrate when-""Bailey?" Derek looked up concerned as Meredith turned to the table once more."Is it my fault?" Bailey asked nervously, "Is he not coming to see me because it was my fault? Did he leave because of me?"Meredith could feel her insides freeze.Bailey blamed himself Her Bailey. Her kind, bright, smart, funny, charming Bailey. Who had survived a car accident.Derek leaned over and stared at his son's eyes- his blue eyes that matched his own, "Bailey, none of this is your fault. Not the accident, not Lucas moving. None of it is your fault."Bailey swallowed as tears pricked in his eyes."I need you to say it, Bailey," Derek whispered, "I need you to believe- you need to know that this was not your fault."Meredith watched the pair from a distance. She didn't notice when the tears spilled over and when her daughters had also turned to her brother."It's not my fault," Bailey whispered, "None of it is my fault."
Day 25 Post-Op
"You're quiet today."Zola looked out of the window as her mother drove, "I'm just tired."Meredith sighed and briefly turned to her daughter. She could tell something was wrong and her daughter wasn't being completely truthful, "Zola, I know you. You can tell me, you know?""I hate cars," Zola blurted, "I hate them and I hate people who aren't careful in them. I hate that people don't care and are wreckless and that innocent people get in accidents. I hate it, I hate it."Meredith didn't know what to reply. She turned to the passenger seat and reached to hold her daughter's hand as she pulled over to the nearest parking spot she could find. She turned the engine off and squeezed Zola's hand again."Zo, I'm so sorry," Meredith whispered, "I know it was scary to find out about Bailey and to see him in the hospital. I know it was a lot.""Why do bad things happen to us?" Zola asked, "Why do we always go through bad things? First dad, then you, then these stupid panic attacks and then Bailey. Why is it always us?"Meredith sighed, "I don't know, love bug. I wish I could tell you why but I don't know."She watched as her daughter fiddled with the skin around her fingers. Bailey's accident had affected her anxiety and she was doing her best just like the rest of them."I just wish we could run away from all the bad things that happen," Zola sniffed, "I hate that bad things always happen to us. It isn't fair!""It's not," Meredith shook her head, "I ask myself that a lot. And I get scared. And sometimes I just want to run and hide.""Why don't we? Why don't we just run away?"Meredith tightly pressed her lips together, regretting her confession to her daughter, "I don't know. But I know that I can't always control everything. So I go through all my feelings as best as I can.""You sound like Dr. Williams," Zola muttered as she looked down. Dr. Williams had been her therapist for some time now. She had helped tremendously but the teenage years had also creeped in."Well my therapist also said that some time ago so," Meredith slightly chuckled, "It's hard honey, I know this isn't easy but I've got you. You're dad and I got you."Zola slightly grinned before turning to her mom again, "Do you think it's gonna get better? Do you think the bad things will stop?"Meredith blinked."I hope so, Zo. I really hope so."
Day 30 Post-Op
"Come in," Meredith called out from her desk.Meredith looked up as Derek closed the door behind him. Things had been tense to say the least since her outburst. Since he confessed he blamed himself. Their conversations were quick and to the point. The silent agreement of switching days off for Bailey's sake had come to an end and they'd been working in the hospital at the same time for the first time today.She stood and walked towards the front of her desk as she stuffed her hands into the pocket of her trousers nervously, "Hey, what's wrong?""Just came in to tell you I'm headed home," he shook his head as he awkwardly stood in front of her, "Did you need anything before I head out?"Meredith scratched the back of her head and released a long sigh, "You're leaving already? It's pretty early-""I finished early and the interns are all on cases," he took a step forward, "Listen, um, I wanted to talk to you-""Good, because I wanted to talk-""I think I need to take a few days off," he finished, "With everything going on, the kids need one of us at home and I can let Hunt take over as Interim Director or um permanently if it's-."Meredith blinked, "Wait, are you suggesting that he take over permanently? Because of what happened with Lucas?""No," Derek scoffed, "It's not about that at all-""Because I do trust you as the director of this program-""Meredith," Derek rubbed the bridge of his nose, "I don't want to fight about this tonight.""Neither do I. And we shouldn't," she shook her head, "I'm chief and I don't owe you an explanation. I trust you as the director but I also have a staff that trusts me and I need to maintain that trust.""I get it," he looked at her and sighed, "You're right, I'm sorry. I overstepped. You're the chief, you made the right call. You have a staff that needs to trust you and Maggie came to you as an attending not your sister."Meredith sighed as she bit her lip."I didn't ever mean to imply you needed to choose your job or being a mother- I know you've made sacrifices for both and I know you're the best at both. You're a good chief. You don't hesitate and we trust you- I trust you," he continued, "Not just as the chief but as my wife and the mother of our kids."Trust. They'd come a long way with that. And yet it was still so fragile as if it were glass that could shatter into a million piecesOur kids wouldn't be as good as they are if it weren't for you. You keep it together when I can't and I-"Meredith watched as he sighed deeply. She swallowed as she let him speak."Meredith I was angry. I'm sorry."Meredith kept her eyes on him. He too was part of the staff that trusted her and sometimes their marriage got in the way of it. Sometimes it complicated it, "I wasn't going to do anything until I was sure that what Pierce said had any justification at all.""Mer-"Meredith stuffed her hands into the pockets of her dress pants, "Derek, he's a little behind but he does show promise.""He does," Derek agreed, "But he's not ready for some of the complex procedures Maggie does. I'm not easy on him. I know his limits. Richard did that with all of us. You know that.""I do," Meredith sighed, "But he also gave us a chance to prove we can. And he needs that. He can't stay in your shadow or in Amy's. And that's where he's at right now. Under the Shepherd shadow that you and all your sisters created. And if he stays there, he will resent you."Derek crossed his arms and sighed heavily."I resented my mother for it for years," Meredith whispered, "He's a smart kid, and he has what it takes. I told you, he needs a-""Push. And a chance. I know. I remember," Derek quietly muttered as he stepped backwards until he reached the armrest of the black couch. He sat against it and looked towards the floor before speaking up again, "I'm not taking the days because of him. I am thinking about our kids I promise.""I know you are," Meredith stepped forward and ran her fingers through his hair, "But I know us working together it's never been easy and if you want- I mean I don't want you to but if you really need to step down, I get it. I do."She swallowed before speaking again, "I thought about pulling you out of the surgery, I promise I did, but I didn't want to- I didn't want to cause any mistakes and I was on auto-pilot. But you are his dad and you should've-""Meredith-""I froze. All I could think-over and over again- was that Bailey had been in a car accident. It kept playing in my head over and over and I just froze.""You never freeze," Derek furrowed his brows, "But I saw how you froze this time and I saw you try to move forward. I knew you blamed me and I-""It was not your fault, and I was wrong for blaming you," Meredith swallowed, "What happened to our son was not on you. Or Lucas."Derek shook his head. She could try to say it over and over again, but it wouldn't fully shake the guilt he felt.As they stared each other for a moment, Derek pulled his wife closer until they were pressed together. She stood between his legs and leaned against him as he gently pressed his lips on her collarbone. He rested his head against her shoulder as his hands soothingly rubbing her back as she pressed her cheek on his side. Her fingers tangled in his hair."Hating you is exhausting," she mumbled against him."I know," he whispered back."I still love you though," she mumbled again, "I promised I would love you.""Even when you hate me," he mumbled back."Even when I hate you," she retorted with a slight breathy chuckle.Suddenly, the weight of the past month settled once more. Suddenly she'd come to a full realization that time wasn't frozen anymore. Not now."Bailey was in a car accident," she whispered against him.Derek's breath hitched, "Bailey was in a car accident.""But he's okay," she whispered as a lump formed in her throat as she finally…finally let the tears freely flow and the sobs overwhelm her. Releasing all the pain, fear, and suffering for the last few weeks.Derek tightened his hold as he finally consoled his wife, "He's okay."And he was. Her Bailey. Her kind, bright, smart, funny, charming Bailey. Who had survived a car accident, was okay.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"Anything?""No," she grumbled, "I swear to God if this crap comes out positive-".Derek sighed behind the door. He tried counting back the weeks they had last been intimate. It'd been a while ago. A long while ago. Before Bailey's accident? He raised his brows as he realized just how long it'd been. Things had only returned back to some normalcy for two weeks but their schedules had been on opposite sides.He crossed his arms and waited until she made a noise."Wait, Derek, there's something!"He opened the door and stood behind her, "And?""Oh," Meredith placed her hand on her chest and sighed with relief, "Negative. All three."Derek echoed her relief only to receive daggers at him from the mirror, "Oh you're telling me that sigh of yours was because you were distraught over not being pregnant again?""I can't. Seriously, no freaking way I can ever be again for multiple reasons!" Meredith threw the tests in the trash and opened the faucet, "You were there when I was told that if I was by some freaking miracle pregnant again-"He shuttered. The thrilling moment of holding his third child for the first time was overshadowed by the very real fear that his wife's life was once again at the edge of the line. Arizona had been clear, the placental abruption combined with Meredith's past history gave them little to no hope at ever expanding their family this way again. A third pregnancy could be catastrophic after Ellis' birth. Arizona had explained that another pregnancy could mean that her life could be at risk or the life of the fetus could be at risk."Yeah, let's not relive that conversation. I remember," he mumbled as he rubbed his face, "Besides, I'm too old for another one. You'd probably teach it to call me grandpa.""You'd be Grandpa D!" A giggle escaped her as she shut off the faucet and eyed him through the mirror. He shook his head but she managed to catch the small tug on his lips.Time, aging, growing old, all of it had been one of his incredibly few insecurities. Not necessarily the physicality per se but he saw how there was more salt than pepper in his hair. It reminded him that time was passing too quickly and he had been scared to miss so much with their kids.Meredith stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his neck.She pecked his lips before whispering, "You still look good, old man."He hummed amusingly as she kissed him again. And again. And another. A little deeper. A little longer before pulling back and pecking her lips again, "I'm sure the kids can manage for a bit. You wanna-?"Meredith giggled as she kissed him again, "We can't, one of those three is gonna walk in on us and we'll end up traumatizing them for life. We never taught them how to knock and even if we did they wouldn't care.""Oh okay," he patted her bottom gently as they kissed one final time and pulled away, "Alright well now that we've crossed out a possible baby number four-""You're having another baby?" A small voice called from the door of the bathroom.Both parents turned to the door before Derek turned to his wife. She raised a brow in an 'I told you so' look.Derek rolled his eyes before turning back to his daughter and smiled, "No, we are not having another baby, you are our baby girl and we're not even thinking about it.""Not even close," Meredith smirked, "You are our baby and that's that."Ellis smiled happily before frowning, "But I'm not a baby anymore.""Oh, that's too bad," Derek clicked his tongue, "Hey, you want to help me with waffles? Go get everything ready, I'm right behind you.""Got it!" Ellis ran out of the room as her dad turned to her mother and rolled his eyes before following her out. Meredith laughed. She was a handful. And more. But her dad was always up for anything and everything she wanted.She followed the pair out thinking about the three tests in the trash bin. She couldn't deny the fact that there was the slightest tinge of disappointment when she read the words 'not pregnant' on those sticks. But realistically, another baby was not ideal. They were busy. Too busy. A baby requires time, attention and patience. Besides, the bathroom and their bedroom had been finally cleared of any children's books and toys. It was nice to not have intruders so often.Derek had asked-once- if she preferred to look into adoption. She could still remember the way she nearly froze at the question and the lump that was hard to swallow."No, I-I think I'm happy with just Zo, Bails, and Ellie," she whispered as she tugged on the comforter."Okay," he turned back to his book without another word. She studied him carefully. Maybe this was his way of once again saying he wanted more. He did come from a big family after all. Five siblings and a soccer team of nieces and nephews. Why not add more?
Meredith sighed, "You're mad."
"No," he turned to her with a genuine smile. He closed his book and sighed, "I will gladly have as many as you want but-"
Meredith swallowed, "Ellis just started going to school all day and my rotation is full and so is yours-"
"You didn't let me finish," Derek kissed her quickly before smiling, "Look I'm a little happy you said that. I'm happy with the three Little Grey Shepherds, too. I think we're complete."
Meredith scoffed, "Little Grey Shepherds? Is that what we're calling them now?"
"It is now," he smirked as he leaned in to kiss her, "Besides, we'd have less time for this."
Meredith giggled as he hovered over and pressed kisses against her neck.
It was decided. A fourth wouldn't be in the cards. They had three when once upon a time, the possibility of one seemed almost impossible. They had been blessed.Besides, Ellis being dethroned from the kingdom she ruled over would be tragic.Saturdays were family days. Saturdays were for pancakes, waffles, soccer games, ferry boat rides, hot chocolate, or ice cream. For hikes and building forts. Movies and game nights.For entwining hands together while their children walked ahead of them in the hiking trail they knew so well.After weeks of fighting, it was comforting to know that they could still make their way back to one another. They walked in sync behind their children in the misty almost empty trail. The sounds of their boots hitting the leaves echoed alongside their chatter and giggles. Seattle rain seemed never ending and the three kids needed a break from the indoors. Clad in their jackets, they were up for a hike and were promised full fledged quality time as a family."He's doing better," she remarked as she squeezed his hand. She pulled the other in her black brown jacket and pushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear, "He's eating better, he's not tired as much. Hopefully Alex gives him the all clear soon."Bailey walked ahead with his sister. They wore nearly matching green jackets as Zola stood out in a violet hue. His entire recovery had been nothing short of great and though he was still a little weary, he had shown no serious signs of PTSD- much to the relief of his parents."He's still not happy about not finishing the end of the soccer season," he sighed, "And he hates that he can't try out for hockey.""There's always next year or he can try to work something out with the coaches," she pulled him closer and wrapped her arm around his waist, "Weren't we just bringing him home yesterday? How did we end up with three?""I know exactly how," Derek laughed as he rubbed her arm enjoying the warmth her body provided. Or providing her with warmth, he wasn't quite sure. Still the lightness of the day and the company he kept was almost perfect.Derek leaned down to whisper, "She's worried they're gonna hate her."He motioned to the trio walking a few paces ahead of them. They giggled as Ellis tried to run ahead. Bailey didn't follow as usual and Zola rolled her head in the way she always did when her siblings did something she found immature."Who? Zola?" Meredith blinked, "Why would she think that?""If she likes a school in another state, we'd be uprooting their lives here," Derek explained as he watched his wife keep an eye on their treasures, "She's worried they'll blame her.""That's not gonna happen," Meredith shook her head, "Those three are inseparable. Even when they try, they find a way back.""Mm, remind me when they're really going at it when they're teenagers and fighting over bathrooms and cars," he pulled her closer and pressed his lips atop her head.Meredith sighed as she continued her watchful gaze. In the midst of careers and motherhood, it was easy to forget how much effort it required to embrace the now. The small moments life provided. Somehow the pain and the memories of dark events managed to stay with her. They forged her life, made her weary of love and scared to dive deep into the unknown. It made her run.Now, Meredith Grey was learning the art of taking in what she had, even if it wasn't always perfect. But this moment was pretty damn close.Meredith whispered, "You were right all those years ago. Years went by and we didn't even realize it."Zola was nearly her height and Bailey was right behind her. Ellis was still growing but she had a feeling she'd have a growth spurt soon."Yeah," he whispered wistfully, "We need to tell them. We need to tell them that it may or may not happen before they fully turn against us."They watched as Zola stood in front of her siblings as she seemed to explain something to them. Bailey grew bored easily and turned to continue his trail. Ellis stayed, curiously eyeing her older sister."They're not gonna be happy at first," Meredith sighed, "Maybe we should just, wait a few days and tell them we're going on a trip. Wait until she makes a choice.""We should get going, it's about to rain," Derek pressed a final kiss to her head, "Hey! Let's head back."Derek gestured with his head. The kids turned to him."Something tells me we should get pizza.""This is the first piece of real food I've had in more than a month," Bailey made a sound that sounded like he'd been starving for years, "I missed it."His parents laughed."Pizza is not real food," Derek scoffed, "I mean it's food but not one you should be eating too much of.""Is that why you're eating the salad?" Zola raised a brow, "You know, he's saying it because of you Mom. Dad told me about the times when you would eat frozen pizza before work."Bailey and Ellis laughed as Meredith nudged her husband sitting next to her, "Why would you tell her that?""Ow! I thought that would stay between you and me, Zo," Derek shook his head and winked, "Traitor."Zola giggled. She bit on another piece before her dad spoke up, "You know New York is known for its pizza.""How would you know you barely even eat it?" Zola looked up at him, "I like Seattle's pizza, anyways."Zola gestured to her siblings. Bailey had been under the impression that she wasn't in fact moving anywhere. She hated the fancy school she toured in Seattle but no one- not herself or her parents- had ever mentioned moving. And she wasn't going to break it to them here in their favorite pizza place."Daddy, when are you gonna finish my treehouse?" Ellis chimed in, allowing to breathe in relief.Derek sighed as he turned to his wife, "Hopefully soon. This rain isn't really helping me here.""Ellis, are you gonna let us go to your treehouse?" Bailey turned to her, "Or are we going to be banned?""I am your favorite sister and Bailey is your favorite brother," Zola smirked."Mm," Ellis pondered, "Only if you can climb the tree. I don't want stairs.""Well it's kind of too late for that," Derek chuckled, "You need stairs.""No I don't," Ellis ripped off a piece of pepperoni from her slice and popped it in her mouth. Her green mischievous eyes betrayed her. She'd been teasing- an art learned from her father."Where in the world did you ever get the idea to climb trees?" Meredith laughed.Ellis shrugged, "Mom, I like days like this.""You do?" Meredith asked with a smile as she leaned forwards. Derek and Zola got caught up in some sort of conversation that Bailey joined as Meredith looked into her daughter's eyes."Mmhmm," Ellis nodded as she bit on her final bit of pizza, "They're my favorite."Her husband was right. So much of Ellis reminded her of herself. She was strong willed, stubborn, and determined. And she had the biggest heart. Meredith made every possible effort to show her daughter she was loved. Truly loved. And that she grew up nurtured without any doubt."Me too, Ellie-Belle," Meredith smiled, "I love these kinds of days, too.""Three down," Derek exclaimed as he entered the bedroom, "Out like a light."Meredith smiled as she watched him prepare for the night. As he brushed his teeth, she could see the soft definition of his muscles, his defined jaw and his unruly curls. To anyone, it'd be a typical man doing such a mundane task.Her mind however, had decided to play a game. A game in which it pretended that Derek Shepherd's hands were on her waist, slowly wandering up and down. Grazing her legs, her thighs, her torso. She imagined the weight of him atop of her as he-"What?" his voice shook her from her thoughts as he mumbled. She looked up at him still brushing his teeth, turning quickly to the faucet."We haven't had a day like today in a while," she shook her head and pushed the comforter down as he laid down beside her, "We haven't put them to bed this early on a weekend."Derek smirked and tossed the towel on the counter as he strolled to the bed. He climbed in teasingly and hovered over her."No," he kissed her once, "we have," and again, "not", and again.Her eyes fluttered open as they met with blue irises. And there it was.That look that quickly rendered her helpless and the look she hadn't seen in such a long time. Those eyes and that smile he was giving her could melt her all over again.And in the sanctuary of their bedroom, all was forgotten. All the fear, all the pain, it was gone. They could give in. They could finally give in."Hi," he whispered.She smiled, "Hi."Their lips met tenderly. Softly. Like they hadn't done so in years. It was like falling down a well, and there was no ground to hit. But falling was blissful. They didn't have this years ago. No space to feel shy and bashful. Their relationship was always burning and passionate since the moment he sat next to her in the bar.The sweetness and the tenderness was something they had grown into. He pushed her back gently and deepened their kiss. Her head hit the pillow and her hands were lost in his dark curls and his hands wandered down her body. Everything was lit aflame.She couldn't help herself when she grinded against him and when she moaned softly. She could feel herself desperately relinquishing any control. His hands wandered up her thigh until they reached the waistband of her pants.And with a sudden noise, they finally reached the end of the well and hit the ground."Mom! Dad!" an instantly recognizable voice caught their attention, "I can't breathe!"They broke apart and pushed themselves off the bed."Zola," Derek mumbled worriedly as he pushed himself off the bed and ran out the room with Meredith following after him."Is it ever going to end?"Derek blinked as he pondered the question."The panic attacks," Zola whispered, "Are they ever going to end?"The lake was quiet. Peaceful. The calming sounds echoed around them as he sat in the boat with his eldest. All things he hoped would help Zola after her panic attack the night before. It was spontaneous and completely unexpected. He pondered her question as he watched the stoic rod."What do you feel when they happen?""It's like," Zola sighed, "My heart starts pounding. I can hear it in my ears. And I can feel myself sweat and-and-,"He waited patiently."My brain won't stop. It just keeps thinking no matter what I do," she whispered.She turned to him, "Have you ever had one?"Derek blinked. Somewhere deep in his mind, a gunshot went off and the sounds of a little girl were muffled. A ferryboat horn blew and the sounds of a flatline rang loudly. Another gunshot, this time closer. And a truck horn blew loudly and a loud crash followed."I have," he muttered, "Especially after my accident when you were little. I couldn't- couldn't get into a car without feeling like the air out of my lungs was about to run out. The day we took Ellis home and I had to drive I-I-"Another flatline."I couldn't breathe," he whispered before turning to her, "It's different for all of us, sweetie, but you're not alone.""Panic attacks suck," Zola muttered as she leaned into her father. She was wise beyond her years. An empathetic child who carried too much on her shoulders and who had tried to suppress it. Because she was the oldest and her siblings needed her. He understood that. He knew where that thinking came from. He also knew that the newly found giftedness didn't help with her anxiety."Yeah," he chuckled as he kissed the top of her head, "they do.""Mom," Ellis asked as she stuffed her mouth with a handful of popcorn, "Why didn't dad take us fishing?"The trio were having their own morning. Meredith sat on the couch in between her two youngest with a bowl of popcorn in her hand. They sat comfortably in their living room huddled together watching some movie they had probably already watched a million times over. At least the kids had. Meredith could bet that if she had at least started the movie with them, she must've fallen asleep halfway through it.She turned to her daughter and explained,"Um, Zo needed some quiet. She had a rough night.""Oh," Ellis muttered as she tucked her legs under, "I thought weekends are family days."Meredith furrowed her brows, "Well, they are Ellie. It's just that your Daddy thought it'd be a good idea to go out fishing to get Zo back in the right headspace."Elli grabbed another handful of popcorn and stuffed her face. She turned back to the television and leaned her head onto her mother's shoulder. Things were changing. Zola had always wanted a baby sister and when she finally had her, she was more than thrilled. They were unstoppable together. Ellis followed her big sister everywhere and Zola always included her in everything. But lately, Zola had drifted and Ellis' innocent mind couldn't understand where she was or how she had drifted.Bailey had some idea and their closeness in age at a time where things were changing for the both of them, only made them grow closer.Bailey looked up with his brows furrowed, "Is Zo okay?"Meredith smiled reassuringly and nodded, "She is. She just needs a little space today and you know your daddy. When he's feeling overwhelmed he-""-goes fishing," the trio said in unison.Meredith closed her eyes and giggled at how well her children knew their parents."It's the quiet. I get it," Bailey sighed as he reached for popcorn, "I like it too."Meredith sighed. The youngest Grey Shepherds had to know the truth soon. At least be warned of possible changes. Though they had tried to be understanding, she wasn't willing to simply pick them up and leave everything safe in Seattle and travel into the unknown without giving them some notice. Ellis Grey had done that to her years ago, and no child of Meredith Grey would ever feel that way again. If they picked up their bags and left, they would do it together. Happily. Sort of. Or at least understandably.At least they'd know why and never wonder why."I know it's hard to get everything that's happening right now with me and Dad and Zo," Meredith reached for the control and paused the movie, "And I know it feels like the rugs or floors or whatever are being ripped right under you."She turned to her son, "And I know how scary your accident was. So, I just want to tell the both of you that no matter what happens- even the scary things- I will always be right here. For you," she giggled Ellis' belly before turning to Bailey, "And you. And Zozo. Even when I'm not, I am always with you. And so is Daddy."She twirled her head from one child to the next, "You're stuck with us whether you like it or not.""I like it!" Ellis giggled happily.Bailey chuckled- breathily like his father, "Me too."A knock on the door interrupted them."I'll get it!" Ellis jumped up and nearly tossed the popcorn bowl over, "It's gonna be Scout!"Meredith could've told her to wait but she knew better, and she knew who exactly was at the door."Hey," Maggie smiled."Aww," Ellis frowned before turning to the couch, "I thought it was Scout."Maggie stood at the door frame with her mouth agape, "Well hello to you too Ellis.""Ellis! That's not how we treat our guests, especially Auntie Maggie!" Meredith chided as she felt the sofa shift."Sorry Auntie Maggie," Ellis hugged her aunt as her brother ran up behind her."Hi Aunt Maggie!" He greeted her."Hey, it's okay. I get excited with Scout too," Maggie smiled as she embraced the pair, "And you look good! Your mom must've taken real good care of you didn't she?""We tried," Meredith sighed, "You okay? What's wrong?"Maggie sighed as she reached the couch and sat next to her sister. She watched the kids run to the kitchen before turning back "When I texted I thought you said Derek was out fishing with the kids. I'm sorry, I thought you were alone.""Zo had an episode last night," Meredith explained, "Derek thought it'd be a good idea to take her out."Maggie nodded."You okay?""I just needed some sister time and Amelia is out of town," Maggie sighed, "But you're busy, I-I-I'll see you tomorrow-""No, stay," Meredith insisted, "But you're not just gonna get sister time, you're gonna get niece and nephew time as well."Maggie couldn't help the smile on her face as the children ran back to their spots. Her sister was happy. Truly happy with the family she made for herself.She just hoped she too, could get there with her own husband."Aunt Maggie!" Zola smiled as she got out of the car, "I miss you!"The pair embraced as Derek got off the driver's seat and opened the trunk. He took out a cooler as he watched as his daughter happily embraced his aunt."Hey, I was just leaving! Your mom mentioned you were off fishing," Maggie grinned, "Catch anything good?"Zola beamed, "Yup! We caught trout. Dad says it's a pretty big one.""Well," Maggie laughed, "I know nothing about fishing so I can only assume you did good."Maggie high-fived her niece and ran back into the house. Her attention was drawn back to the man who was closing the trunk."Bailey looks good," Maggie commented, "I'm glad to see he's doing much better.""Thanks," he nodded, "You okay?""Yeah," Maggie nodded once, "See you tomorrow."She walked back to her car as he walked back into the house as the air lingered with tension."Your dad could live off fish for the rest of his life if he wanted to," Meredith laughed as she sat on her chair and watched him stand over the grill."You need to stop before I don't feed you," He turned to her playfully.She scrunched her nose and shook her head as she took a sip of the wine he'd poured over for her."Salt," he called out as his faithful sous chef stood a few steps behind him."Salt," Ellis echoed as she passed the shaker to him.Meredith couldn't help the laugh that escaped her at watching the pair. She turned to the grass plains where her eldest were throwing a softball to each other, "Bailey be careful please.""Yes, Mom," he sighed begrudgingly, "I am."They continued to throw the softball around as Ellis furrowed her brows. Her eyes wandered onto the start of what looked to soon become a treehouse. Her dad had started it a while back but he had stopped working on it. She had assumed that now that Bailey was better, he'd finish."Daddy?" Ellis asked. Her dad turned to look at her, "When are you going to finish my treehouse?"Derek sighed as he looked up at the construction, "Well chances are that this week there won't be any rain so I think I can continue soon. Sorry it's taking so long."Ellis hummed, "I want a big treehouse. One that I can play in forever."Derek smirked as he turned to his wife. She raised her brows amusingly as she sipped her wine."Forever?" he asked, "You want to play in there forever?"Ellis nodded. Her green eyes shimmered against the moonlight, "Mmhmm. I'm gonna go play with Zo and B. Can you tell me if you need more help?"Derek chuckled, "Yeah, go."The little girl ran down the stairs and joined her siblings. She was something else and her father knew it. It hadn't been intentional to just abandon the started construction on her treehouse. He had plans, big plans, for that house."You are wrapped around her finger," Meredith taunted from her chair.Derek shook his head, "I am. You are just jealous."Meredith contorted her face into a look of distaste, "I am. I'm jealous our daughter has all your attention.""Like mother, like daughter," Derek chuckled, "She also gets jealous and needs my attention all the time."She sighed contently as she leaned back comfortably in her seat and ran her fingers on the back of her scalp. It was a nice chilly night to be sitting on the porch as the warmth of the grill hit her. This was her favorite version of her husband. She loved Dr. Derek Shepherd, the surgeon, but Derek Shepherd, the dad and husband took the first place prize. He was always at ease, laughing, and joking around. Doing dorky dad things around the house and listening to the kids stories as if they were telling him the secret to living forever. And when she had him to herself, well, he was still McDreamy.There went her thoughts again, wandering into indecent territory. She watched as his lips touched the base of the beer bottle, how his fingers loosely held it by the neck and how his body relaxed. If they were alone, she'd approach him, press her fingers on the back of his neck as her hands snuck into his sweater. He'd turn around and kiss her, forgetting what he was doing in the first place. His lips would wander down her neck and she'd taunt him allowingher hands to wander to his chest. They'd travel lower and lower until the reached his-"You're doing it again."Meredith shook her head from her fantasy, "Huh? Wha- what am I doing?""You're staring at me like you're thinking of indecent things," He turned to her with a smirk before glancing at the kids playing away from them. They had no clue what was happening, "And in front of the kids? You are terrible. Terrible influence.""You're the one who brought out the wine," she retorted, "You're getting me drunk to take advantage of me all over again.""Mm-mm," he disagreed, "That was you. You got me drunk and took advantage of me."The twinkle of his eyes met her own. A promise of later. Definitely later."Alright guys, come eat!" he called out to where the children were playing. He turned to his wife and quietly added, "Before your mom eats something else."Her eyes widened as she reached for a cushion and aimed for his face.No fantasy could ever live up to the real thing. No matter what wild scenario she could come up with, it never lived up to his hands moving up her back as she moved above him. It didn't live up to his lips pressed against her neck and slowly made his way down between her legs. It didn't live up to actually making love to him.They were pressed against each other with only a thin coat of sweat between them as she writhed against him. She bucked back and forth chasing release. She could feel his fingers reach between them until they softly petted her. A moan escaped her at the sense of overstimulation.Meredith didn't know how long they'd been chasing but she felt safe. So safe wrapped in his arms as he let her take control. There was little she could control in life, but this? She could control this.She could control how she touched him. How she moved with him inside her. How her lips languidly bit his and earning a moan of desire. How she coaxed a whimper from him when she let her hands wander into dangerous territory. How she chased and chased for a climax.And now she desperately wanted to chase a climax. She needed it. They both needed it.His hands found her waist and before she could realize, he was hovering over her as his lips found her collarbone. He nipped gently at her flesh as she welcomed him home.She panted as his hips set a sensual pace, once more bringing her on the brink of ecstasy. She wrapped her legs around him until finally, finally, she shuddered in complete pleasure. He tightened his hold on her thigh and kept her in place, relishing the way she shattered right before him.He kissed her again, chasing his own pleasure, until the tension snapped.Derek found himself splayed on his back breathing heavily. He slowly turned his head to find a pair of hazy green eyes."Hey," he whispered tenderly. He reached to gently caress her jaw with this fingers.Her mouth was slightly parted and she hazily blinked, "Hey."Somehow, they pressed restart.The weekend came and went far too quickly as Monday rolled around and brought them back to their daily duties.Meredith looked up from her paperwork as the knocks on the door disturbed her, "Come in.""Chief," Lucas greeted her with a thin grin as he closed the door behind her, "You wanted to see me before I joined the rest of the interns?"Meredith motioned for him to sit across from her. He was still wearing his street clothes, but clearly, he was prepared to work."I did," she nodded as he sat, "I wanted to check in with you. It's your first time back in almost a month. And there was an accident-""I'm fine," he interrupted, "Shrink says I'm good to come back.""Yeah, on paper you're fine. And if you were any other intern, I'd probably say you were. But you are not just another-""We agreed that we'd keep a line between-""I know," Meredith sighed, "But I know very well that keeping the personal from the professional in this hospital is not an easy thing. And-"She paused."And?""I owe you an apology for yelling at you that night," she sighed, "And for not checking in with you as your chief or as your aunt.""Thanks. I know things were crazy with Bailey," he fiddled with his bag, "How's he, uh, how's Bailey doing?""He's been back at school for a few weeks and had pizza this weekend," Meredith smiled, "He's getting better.""The kid loves his pizza," Lucas smiled before frowning, "Listen, I didn't mean to just bounce and not talk to you guys. I just-""I know. I love your uncle but I'm aware he's an ass. You needed your space," she rolled her eyes, "I'm not justifying him- because he owes you a hell of an apology- but what I can tell you is that he was terrified. I know he was. This accident reminded him of a lot of things that he doesn't like to talk about-""His accident," Lucas nodded knowingly, "I remember. My mom called me saying it was a miracle he was alive.""Yeah," Meredith nodded, "How do you feel? About coming back? Are you sure you're ready for the OR?""Yeah. I'm sure," he said confidently, "You still think I got what it takes? Should I still- I mean I literally stepped away for weeks.""The goal of this new and improved program is to give interns the safe space they need to thrive. Had you come in any time earlier, your head would not be in the right place. I know that from experience," she giggled, "Besides, you don't have to prove to anyone but yourself that you have what it takes."Lucas nodded appreciatively before standing."Bailey misses you," she called out, "He's been asking me to say hi and to get you to visit."Lucas froze. He had bonded so much with the young boy over the last few months. In a world of sisters, he finally had a younger brother. Even with the other cousins, he never truly fit in with them. He was the black sheep. And despite the massive gap, he enjoyed having a younger brother. It must've been almost like what his uncle had felt years ago when he'd take him out to baseball games."Tell him I said hi," Lucas nodded, "Maybe I'll visit soon."Meredith nodded as she watched the aspiring surgeon walk out of the office.Shepherds. They were just as complicated as Greys.Lucas swallowed as he stared at the attending by the nurse's station. He stepped forward and cleared his throat, "I'm on your service today, Dr. Shepherd."Amelia swallowed and turned around, "Nice to have you on my service again, Dr. Adams.""Glad to be on your service, Dr. Shepherd," he nodded as he followed her steps"Good," Amelia smiled, "You talked to my brother yet.""Can we talk about something else?""I'll take that as a no.""Why are you concerned about it? If you want me out of the house just tell me""Oh no, I like having you around," Amelia smirked, "You help with my kid and help clean the house. It's nice having another adult around. Haven't had that since Maggie moved out."Lucas sighed, "He doesn't want to talk to me. He's pissed off and he blames me for Bailey.""He was a worried dad," Amelia looked at him, "You know him and his temper but you also know that he's protective and he's taken hits here in Seattle. Too many hits."Lucas shook his head, "Still doesn't-.""Dr. Adams," she looked at him sternly, "You are an intern. He is an attending and the director of this program. If you can't handle it, maybe you need to find another place to complete your residency.""Okay you and I both know-""Exactly," Amelia nodded, "So make a choice now because he's right there.""What?" Lucas' eyes practically bulged out of his eye sockets."Dr. Shepherd!" Amelia grinned as Derek stepped out of the room."Dr. Shepherd," Derek grinned back, "How's the world's most annoying sister?""Depends, how's the worst, most arrogant brother?"Derek chuckled before making eye contact with Lucas, "Dr. Adams.""Dr. Shepherd," Lucas dryly responded."Go run labs please," Amelia instructed before walking with her brother, "What was that?""What was what?" Derek looked around confused."You and Lucas," Amelia furrowed her brows, "Are you two ever going to-""Amy stay out of it-" He shook his head as he pressed his lips tightly. He couldn't talk to her about him. He couldn't talk to anyone yet."No!" she scoffed, "He is my nephew and you are my brother. I get you were scared but your son is fine. You didn't even check in on-""Stay out of it!""No! Get on top of it, Derek," Amelia hissed, "Before you lose the nephew who saw you as a God. You're pushing him away like you pushed me all those years ago-"His phone ran and he looked down at it, "Shit-""Derek! Don't avoid this!""I'm not," he stuffed his phone in his pocket before removing his coat, "It's Ellis' school."The Seattle rain echoed in the silence as Meredith and Derek sat in her black Audi. They'd been parked outside the school for over an hour now. It wasn't a date. It wasn't an escapade. It was a punishment. A terrible, terrible punishment for the two parents."We're terrible parents," Meredith mumbled as she shook her head, "We are genuinely the absolute worst parents."Derek kept his eyes closed as he shook his head, "We are not terrible parents.""The odds are against us," Meredith turned to him, "It's the third time we get called in for a behavior issue and this is her second."Derek sighed as he opened his eyes, "She pushed another kid again. And yelled at the teacher? I don't get it. She loves her teacher, she always has. She's a little talkative but she's never had problems like these.""You called it," Meredith shook her head, "We're raising monsters.""We are not raising monsters," Derek scoffed, "She's not a monster. They are not monsters.""I'm pretty sure they inherited your ability to deck people and my inability to control what I say," Meredith rambled, "And an unhealthy mix of our temper.""Meredith," Derek sighed as he closed his eyes again."I'm just saying," she scoffed, "Your swimmers couldn't control genetics somehow? They couldn't send off the parts where they're all overly optimistic and all sunshiney? Override my dark and twisty?"Derek laughed heartily, "I don't think it works that way. I don't think I get to choose."Meredith sighed as she looked out the window, "What are we gonna do?""A couple of weeks ago, after the first incident, she came to me and asked if we still loved her," he turned to his wife who had a look of worry plastered on her face."She asked that? Why didn't you tell me earlier-""We were at each other's throats and barely speaking to each other," he shook his head, "Plus I thought this was her way of getting out of trouble from pushing someone off the swing the first time."Meredith let a huff out as she slammed her head on the head seat.Derek turned away once more, "I think she's feeling left out.""Zola's panic attacks and Bailey's accident," Meredith agreed, "It's been a lot.""Yeah," Derek shook his head, "We put out one fire, and another one bursts into flames. It never ends.""You do know this is all your fault right?" Meredith smirked, "You're the one who wanted more. You made her a total daddy's girl and whenever she says 'jump' you say 'how high?'""I know the crash screwed with my head back then, but if I remember correctly," Derek cleared his throat, "You enjoyed it when I-""Derek!""Just saying," he chuckled as his eyes closed once more, "It takes two to tango. Besides, she's practically your clone. Stubborn as you.""What are we gonna do?" Meredith whined, almost childlike."Probably start off by finishing that tree house.""Why did you stop building the treehouse?" Meredith turned to him curiously."Bailey," He shrugged, "And the rain. It just hasn't stopped."Meredith thought back to what Zola had mentioned. Bad things always happened to them. She just hoped this wouldn't be another one of those bad things."Do you think it'll end soon? Crisis after crisis?""I don't know," Derek pressed his lips together as he turned the engine on, "I don't know.""Can't believe your kid is a scraper," Alex chuckled as he stuffed a mouthful of pasta into his mouth, "I always knew she'd be the trouble one.""You are no help," Meredith rolled her eyes as she spotted Amelia approach the table, "Hey, where have you been?""Early surgery this morning," Amelia pulled a chair and sat across from her sister, "Do you know if Derek and Lucas-""Nope," Meredith shook her head, "I know nothing. But I do know that Lucas is coming back soon so-""Which is why you should probably talk to Derek-" Amelia"That's exactly why I'm not going to talk to Derek," she scoffed, "I already said what I needed to say about it. I can't get in the middle of their personal weird thing they've got going on.""About what?" Maggie asked as she sat at the table. She noticed the awkward looks between each person, "Oh. This is a Derek thing and no one wants to talk about it because we're still not talking.""Yeah, what the hell happened there?" Amelia shook her head."Derek's ego was bruised when I told Mer he was going easy on Lucas," Maggie stuffed her mouth with a forkful of salad. Her look told Amelia she was expecting her to side with her."Well, why the hell would you do that?" Amelia scoffed."Amelia, leave her alone," Meredith shook her head, "She had concerns as an attending. Not as a relative.""You really think he was going easy on Adams?" Karev furrowed his brows together, "I mean the kid needs work but Shepherd's been on top of it, you know before he nearly punched him in the face.""Am I the only one here that thinks they need more than a little work?" Maggie stared at the people at the table."They are interns, Maggie. Lucas is an intern, we all started somewhere," Amelia glared at her, "It's not like Winston when he was your-""That's not fair and you know it," Maggie rebutted."Great, this is why I came back? To hear the sister chiefs bicker?" Alex groaned."No!" Meredith shook her head, "You came back because this hospital needs you."Amelia jumped in, "And you need to talk to your brother and my nephew.""No, I'm not getting involved anymore," Meredith pointed, "He'll just have to deal with Adams on his own. I'm staying out of it!"Amelia groaned, "Meredith-""I'm just saying, we've reached a point in our marriage where we pick and choose our battles," Meredith turned back, "And I know my husband so I am choosing not to battle this one. He has to be the one to talk to Lucas, I can't force him.""What do you mean pick and choose battles?" Maggie asked."Some fights aren't worth the constant fighting and I know that if I try, it'll be a fight. A big one," Meredith turned to Amelia, "So I guess you have to talk to him."Amelia tapped on the table as she stared at Meredith. Clearly she wouldn't intervene."This is a Shepherd problem, Shepherdess," Meredith grabbed her water bottle and stood, "Either you help him or he figures it out on his own."Meredith turned quickly and smirked, "Which he won't.""Please tell me there's dinner ready!" Meredith sighed as she closed the door behind her.Derek laughed from the kitchen, "Roasted chicken.""Oh, that looks delicious," she leaned in for a quick kiss as she heard footsteps run in from the hall, "Hey, guys, how was school?"She eyed her youngest knowingly. Ellis sat before the other two rambled."I got an A on the project Zo helped me on while I was out," Bailey beamed."Way to go, Bailey!" Meredith smiled proudly, "Did you have any pain today? Uncle Alex said he's close to giving you the okay for sports again.""No pain," Bailey nodded."Zo? What about you? Everything okay?""I'm okay," she sighed, "But math was kind of boring today."Ellis sat at her usual spot in the kitchen bar."No episodes?" Meredith asked.Zola shook her head, "Dad should I set the table?"As Derek nodded appreciatively, Meredith turned back to her youngest, "What about you Ellie? Aside from your earlier incident, how was the rest of your day?""Fine," Ellis muttered as she placed her chin on her hand. Maybe Derek was right, she was too much like her. Meredith didn't push any further. Instead, she leaned over and tucked a stray hair behind her ear."Ellis, what did you do?" Bailey asked curiously."Nothing," Ellis muttered again, "I don't want to talk about it right now."Meredith sighed "Well we do need to talk about it before bed-"She turned to Derek who was pretending to be oblivious to their conversation as he picked up a plate to take the table. She gently nudged him."Right," Derek quickly added, "We do need to talk about it.""What did she do?" Zola quietly asked as Derek reached the dinner table. He shook his head and returned to where the rest of the family was at."We need to talk to you guys about something," Derek announced."What happened?" Zola quickly followed him. Derek heard the nervousness in her voice and quickly turned to embrace her."Nothing's wrong, princess," he assured her, "We're okay. Everyone's okay, I promise."Meredith leaned on the counter and smiled, "Everything is good, Zo.""So good in fact, we were thinking about taking a trip to Boston and New York in a few weeks," Derek smiled, "What do you guys think?"Zola carefully eyed her parents. She knew what that meant. It meant that there were two schools they had liked and were offering her a chance to tour them.Every adult around her knew they were trying to give her the best options they could, but her siblings had no idea what was truly happening. All they knew was that Zola needed to find a school that helped her. What worried her was how her siblings would react. At her young age, Zola had always been caring for them. She took her job as an older sister very seriously. In fact, many would say she had taken it a little too seriously. Especially in the last several years when her mother had health complications and thins seemed to take a turn for the worse."That sounds like fun," Bailey smiled, "Would Uncle Alex be okay with me going since the surgery-""He said you'd be clear to go by the time we fly out," Mer smiled, "And your dad promised ferry boat rides, too.""Wait! Bailey, we're going on the ones he used to take when he was a kid!" Zola grinned excitedly."Are we gonna see Nana when we're out in New-""No!" a small voice croaked."Ellis?" Meredith asked, "Are you okay?""No! I'm not going and you can't make me!" Ellis yelled as she ran towards the doors leading to the porch."Ellis, it's freezing come back in!" Meredith called out as both parents chased after her, "Ellis!"Zola and Bailey watched as they ran after their sister."What's her problem?" Bailey turned to his older sister."I don't know but grab Dad's coat," Zola walked toward the coat rack, "I got mom and Ellis'. Grab yours too!"She had been too quick for them. Years of climbing on trees had paid off as she made her way to the foundation of a future treehouse her father had finished weeks ago. She climbed up onto the unfinished treehouse and held on to the bark with both hands."Ellis you need to get off," Derek pleaded, "Please! It's not safe, it's not finished!""I know it isn't!" she yelled out, "It's not finished because you stopped building it! You promised me you'd finish it and you never did!""Ellis, you need to climb off the tree," Meredith tried."Ellis, there was a lot going on, with Bailey and Zola-" Derek tried to explain.Zola and Bailey walked out of the house with their coats on. Zola had one for Ellis."Ellis, c'mon I brought your coat-" Zola tried."Zola, Zola, Zola!" Ellis yelled, "Bailey, Bailey, Bailey! It's always Zola or Bailey! No one ever thinks about me!""Ellie that's not true baby-" Derek tried to reason."NO!" she yelled before peering to see the four of them staring up at her.Meredith sighed and shook her head, "Ellie-Belle, please-""No!" Ellis yelled again, "We're not going to New York to see Nana or ride ferryboats! We're going because you want to move and you want to move us away from our home! That's why you stopped building my treehouse!""Ellis!""You want to move for Zola! That's why you want to go to New York and Boston! She gets to choose everything!""Wait, what does she mean?" Bailey turned to his parents."I heard them, I heard them!" Ellie shouted, "Mom said Zola needed a new school and Dad said yes!"Bailey looked between each of his parents and then to his older sister, "Zola I thought you said- that's not fair! Why didn't you tell me! Nobody ever tells me anything!"Zola swallowed before turning to her parents, "See? This is why I didn't even want to look anywhere else!"Zola turned angrily and ran back to the house."Zola!" Meredith tried to call for her to no avail, "Bailey!""Why didn't you tell me?" Bailey asked as he turned to his dad, "You should've told me.""Bailey-?" Derek tried only to be met with defeated eyes. Bailey turned away and ran to the house- the same trail his sister had just ran after, "Bailey slow down you can't-!"They watched as he ran to the house as quick as his legs could carry him. He was angry, so angry he had yelled. He never yelled. He had never been the kind of kid to throw tantrums or to burst out with anger. Until he punched a kid at school for Zola's sake and now. When he found out his parents were hiding something."Ellis Carolyn Grey Shepherd, you need to get off that tree right now!" Derek called as he turned back to the treehouse."Derek, go inside with the kids," Meredith sighed as she covered her face with a hand. He turned to her, questioning her, "We've got three fires, go put out those. I got this one."Derek sighed before eyeing the foundation of the treehouse. He turned back to the house and jogged to the door."Okay," Meredith shuffled the small jacket in her arms before tossing it to the foundation where her daughter hid. She sat on the floor by the tree, "Put it on. I'm gonna sit right here and when you're ready, we can talk."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Derek should have known that as soon as he walked into the room, he'd be entering war fire. He sighed at the sight in front of him. Never in their lives had they been so upset at each other that they had reached this point of finger pointing and blaming."You didn't say anything Zola! You said it was a school here in Seattle!""No one is telling you to move Bailey! Besides you said you would have my back!"Derek shook his head, "Alright, enough! The both of you! What has gotten into you? Since when do you two yell at each other this way?"The sounds of their yells blaming each other drowned out everything."I said enough!" Derek scolded, "Bailey, your sister didn't say anything because your mom and I asked her not to-""That's not fair! I'm on a soccer team! I have school and my friends and Lucas-""Who doesn't even want to talk to you anymore!" Zola scoffed, "He hasn't even stopped by-""Zola!" Derek cut her off, "That is not on Bailey and it's not fair. That is my fault. Lucas hasn't stopped by because of me.""You told him not to visit me?" Bailey's eyes widened."I never said that. No one did," Derek swallowed. This was getting worse. Far more worse."You still should have told me!" Bailey yelled, "I never get told anything and I'm always the last to know. It's not fair Zola gets to choose everything-""It's not fair? Do you think I want to have these panic attacks? Do you think I want to move away from everyone?""Yes! Because you love being Mom and Dad's favorite-""That's not true!""Both of you cut it out!" Derek tried again to no avail."I don't care anymore Zola," Bailey turned to his father with a furious look. Derek recognized it. It was far too similar to his own, "You lied to me! About everything!"He ran to his room and slammed the door leaving his older sister and father standing alone."Zo-""I told you this would happen," Zola whispered. Derek could see that tears had formed in her eyes and she was trying not to let them fall, "Now my brother and my sister hate me."She ran off."Momma, how much do you love me?"
Meredith smiled as she shook her head. The girl may look like a Grey but sometimes she proved just how much of a Shepherd she was.
"I love you to the moon and back over and over and over again," Meredith glanced to the rearview mirror where the giddy five year old kicked her small legs happily."That's a lot," Ellis giggled, "Mama, what if they don't like me?""Ellie," Meredith scoffed lightly, "They will like you. You are a bright, beautiful, and an incredibly kind little girl.""I'm not smart like Zo or B," Ellis frowned. She held on to her doll tightly as she looked out of the window."Yes you are," Meredith pulled into the parking lot and turned back, "You know Daddy said he'd meet us, do you see his car anywhere?"
Ellis perked up and searched out the window. She recognized the figure approaching the car and gleefully squirmed, "I see him! I see him! He's coming!"
Meredith giggled as she unbuckled her seatbelt and stepped out of the car, "Hey!"
"Hey," Derek smiled brightly, "I made it. I'm still in scrubs but I made it."
Meredith laughed, "Amy wouldn't switch shifts?"
He'd been stuck on call and had intended on switching with his sister- who was going through whatever the hell was still going on between herself and Owen. Or Wilson's friend. She couldn't keep up anymore.
Derek shook his head as he leaned down to quickly peck her lips, "She conveniently forgot. How mad is the general at me?"
"Not at all, she always forgives you. But she has first day jitters," Meredith shuddered at the chilly breeze, "And I haven't felt this nervous since we dropped off Zo. This is worse than when B started kinder.""We've done this before," he whispered, "Zola practically let go of our hand as soon as we stepped into the classroom and Bailey was fine. After he cried. But he was fine.""Yes but Ellis has- is- ," Meredith shrugged, "I don't know, I-I just- I'm not-"
Meredith swallowed a lump as she peered through the window towards the young girl. She was muttering to herself playing with the doll she insisted on carrying around.
"I don't know if I'm ready to let her grow up," Meredith whispered as she looked back to her husband, "I know, I know, I hear it and it sounds stupid doesn't it?"
Derek shook his head, "No. It doesn't. I don't think I'm ready either."
He reached to gently press her lips on her forehead before circling to the back seat and opened the door, "Is the big girl ready for her first day of school?"
Ellis jumped off her seat and straight into his arms. She'd long learned how to wiggle her way off the seat, "Daddy!"
Derek laughed as he helped her off the car and grabbed her backpack. The trio walked into the building until they reached the crowd of other forehead parents.
She shouldn't have felt so nervous. She'd done this twice already and her other two loved school. She knew Ellis' curious mind would be no different at all. And if she had inherited anything from her father, it was her never ending charm and ability to woo over people to her side. Her teacher had no chance.
She paused for a moment and watched the father daughter duo walk together hand in hand. This was her youngest. Her baby. Her clone- according to her father. The baby Derek wanted so much and she miraculously was able to have. The light at the end of the tunnel.
Soon, she wouldn't be dropping her off at kindergarten. She'd be off to grade school, high school and soon enough college. Time wouldn't be kind and who knew if she would even remember any of this down the road.
"Momma!" Ellis called out. She held out her hand towards her, inviting her to join them.
Meredith grinned and made her way to the pair. Her hand enveloped her daughter's and together they stepped into the unknown.
"Are you ready to talk yet?""No," Ellis quickly answered."Well are you cold?" Meredith tried again as she ran her hands up and down her arms."No!"She was. Meredith could tell by the slight shudder in her voice but she wouldn't budge. The stubborn tiny Grey wouldn't budge."Okay," Meredith whispered as she rubbed her hands together, "Well we've been here for a long time, baby, you need to come down soon.""I'm not coming down!"She could try to scare her off but Ellis was rarely scared of anything. She was fearless and braver than anyone she knew.Meredith looked up at the sky and saw the clouds gather once more. She'd get sick if they were caught in the rain. And Ellis sick was a nightmare. Once minute she could be a cuddle monster and the next a complete terror crying that her throat itched."Well it's looking like it's about to rain," Meredith tried again, "You're gonna get a cold. And you'll miss school. You won't see-""I don't care," Ellis grumbled, "You don't care and neither does Dad."Meredith sighed. There it was. The feeling her daughter was going through, "Is that what you're feeling? You think we don't care?"No sound came from the wooden foundations."Ellis," Meredith sighed, "I'm sorry you feel like we don't care about you. That's not something you should ever, ever feel. Because Daddy and I love you and we care about you so much."No one in the tree answered except the silence in the trees, "I love to the moon and back over and over and over again, remember?"Ellis wouldn't talk. She knew her daughter better than that. Tantrums meant she'd yell at the world until it heard her. And she was used to it, she was. Meredith had thought she'd outgrown them and had blamed Derek till the bitter end.But this wasn't a tantrum. And she wasn't yelling. She had gone silent. Completely silent."Okay, I get you don't want to talk about it right now," she conceded, "But can we please go back inside? I don't want you to get sick."There was a beat of silence. And slowly, the sounds of someone coming down the makeshift latter were heard."How the hell did this happen?" Derek asked as he sat on on his side of the bed clad in pijamas, "Our weekend had gone perfectly. This morning everyone was fine. How the hell did this happen?""I don't know," Meredith pressed her phone and threw it on her nightstand before joining him and crossing her arms. They both sat up and leaned against the headboard,She sighed deeply again, "She wasn't just feeling left out, Derek. She heard us, I don't know when but she heard us talking about schools and-""Zola blames me. Bailey blames me," he whispered."Ellis thinks we don't care about her," Meredith whispered back, "Our kids are really just""Yeah," Derek nodded solemnly, "They were at each other's face and being mean to each other. Like when Amy and I-""Like me with Lexie and Maggie," Meredith frowned.The silence lingered between them as they processed the chaos of the night."We should go to sleep," he squeezed her hand, "They got school tomorrow maybe that'll-""Give them some space," Meredith finished for him, "That's never worked well for either of us. Space just makes the problem bigger and-""I know," he whispered.The pair reached over to their respective night stands and shut the lights off. She furthered down into the bed until she felt his arm embrace her. The coldness of the outside seemed to ever so briefly go away."I was Ellie," she whispered into the darkness, "I ran and I hid from all my feelings when I was a kid because no one would listen to me. Ellis didn't understand me. I shoved them all down and ignored them."Derek blinked into the darkness as he listened, "She wasn't the comforting type whenever I fell and scraped my knee. She never scared away monsters or told me she'd pick me up whenever. And when she took me away to Boston, I didn't know why. I didn't understand.""Meredith-?""I get that she left because of Richard- I do, I get wanting to just," she swallowed, unwilling to finish the sentence, "But I don't get how- why she would,"She sighed again before whispering, "We left without a word. And I stayed quiet. I never said anything, it's why I left the doll when we fled to Boston. I kept my feelings to myself because if I didn't, I was weak. I was ordinary."Derek pressed his lips against her shoulder and rubbed it lightly."I never told her when I was scared or when I was nervous," she continued, "I never said anything because she wasn't always there. And I try, I try to be there and to show my girls -and Bailey- that I am there and that I'm also my own person and that I love what I do but sometimes it feels like I just can't do it anymore.""I can't give my all to everything without dropping the ball somewhere and that sucks."Derek knew how hard it was for her to find the words that truly expressed what she felt. He knew that from the days when they were first sleeping together. She wasn't one for talking about things- as much as he wanted- she wasn't one to constantly talk about it. And the first time she'd been so open, so vulnerable, he broke her heart.But now, here she was. Confessing her darkest feelings."And saying that out loud is just-," She sighed as she nodded her head."It's human Meredith," he whispered as he kissed her shoulder again, "We're not supposed to feel fine all the time.""And I don't want them to feel that it's okay to just- I-I don't want her to do what I did. Or Zola. Or Bailey," she whispered again, "I don't want them to suppress their emotions and not-"She released a heavy sigh and reached for his hand. Her fingers tangled along his, holding on to him tightly, "I don't want her to shut me out. And I don't want to shut any of them out.""How did you get Ellie off the tree?"Meredith blinked, "I waited for her. I sat there on the freezing ground waiting for her to be ready. And when she was, she came down."She could feel him nod, "You are always there for our kids. I know that- they know that. You could never shut them out.""Hey you got a minute?"Derek looked up from his papers to the voice at the door, "Yeah.""Can you check this out?" Maggie passed him the tablet in her hands and stood awkwardly at the door, "I tried to look for Amelia but-""It should absorb itself," Derek muttered as he handed back the tablet to her, "I'll have an intern run more scans."Maggie nodded before turning back."Mags," his voice called out."What?""I shouldn't have yelled at you that night. You raised a concern about me as an attending not your brother-in-law," he swallowed, "What I did was not right. I'm sorry.""Wow," Maggie sighed, "How painful was that for you?""Very, you may have to ask Winston to run some tests on me," he chuckled before wincing, "I'm not going easy on him but sometimes I-""Yeah, sometimes you protect him from the bigger cases. The ones where he's more likely to lose and the ones that aren't a trophy."It was an unconscious thing he'd done. Protect when someone didn't need protecting. He'd done it with Amy and he'd done it with Meredith. And right now, He didn't need any protection. He needed someone to support him. To push him in the right direction even if he fell. He'd pull back up and dust himself off.Maggie walked back into the room and huffed loudly as she slouched onto the chair next to him, "You know, you and I hadn't had a fight like that in forever.""Yeah, you and I used to team up whenever Amy and Meredith fought all those years ago, remember," he chuckled.The never ending fights between Amelia and Meredith caused the pair to grow closer. She'd run to him and ask for advice. He'd tell her to let them be. They were both headstrong and they'd figure it out. Eventually.Maggie nodded, "I should've known how hard it is to work with family. I mean, I'm having my own thing with Winston now and years ago Mer and I couldn't even look at each other. ""Yeah, we may need to revisit that working with family policy at the next board meeting," he furrowed his brow at the craziness this hospital allowed.The pair laughed together before Derek opened his mouth again, "Are you and Winston okay?"Maggie shrugged, "Is it really bad of me to feel that way? I mean, be honest, how- what- I just thought we were fine. I really did. I thought everything was okay and then suddenly he pulled the rug right under me.""You two did get married very quickly," he muttered, "You were still getting to know each other.""You said he was a good guy! You were all for it when I told you he proposed!""Of course I was! You were happy!""It wasn't the case when Amelia told you she was marrying Owen and she seemed happy," Maggie argued."Yeah? And how did that turn out?" Derek pointed out, "All I'm saying is that you are in the nitty gritty part. Marriage isn't always easy."Maggie twirled in her chair."Look I like Winston," he sighed, "And you clearly love him and he loves you. I don't doubt that. But you married the man you met. Not the surgeon. His surgical skills are not the reason you married him. ""Amelia is right about you."He furrowed his brows with a smile, "About what? What did she say about me?""She says you're a know it all," Maggie deadpanned, "Who doesn't really know it all."She wasn't wrong. His children were currently roving that.Meredith stared at the forms at her desk. This patient had been on the rotations of three different attendings with her head surgeon being Alex Karev."And you did everything?" Meredith looked up at the neurosurgeon in front of her, "You're saying there's nothing-""Sorry," Amy quietly answered, "There's nothing else we can do. The science just hasn't fully caught up to this and she is tired."Her patient was a nine-year old- Abby. A brain tumor had proven too complicated to remove after a failed attempt. It spread the cancer and shortened her life in a cruel, cruel way."And the parents? How are they doing?" Meredith asked. She had to be objective here. There was a clear line between what was happening and what wasn't.Amelia stared at her, "Her mom is distraught. She's heartbroken but I know that she's trying to do what's best. "No more surgeries. No more chemo. She would grant her daughter's final wish and take her home away from the beeping monitors and the hospital."Okay," Meredith sighed as she set the paper down, "God this must be hell for them.""I can't even- I mean it's just-" Amelia stuttered."You're thinking about Scout," Meredith quietly muttered as she passed the tablet to her, "I'm thinking about my three at home."Amelia nodded. Of course their minds had wandered there. Being a mother was ripping a piece of your soul and letting it wander on it's own. It was an open wound that you tried your best to keep disinfected because if it worsened, it'd be fatal.Meredith sighed, "Does it ever bother you?""What?""Everything," Meredith sighed, "Scout, Link, Kai, I mean how the hell do you balance it all without feeling freaking guilty. Scout seems to be fine, you and Kai are clearly very happy, and you and Link have somehow managed to find some middle ground. How the hell did you do it?""It's not easy," Amelia scoffed as she grabbed a chair and plopped on it, "When I'm with Kai, I can't stop thinking about Scout."It was a never ending fear and constant thinking."Has he eaten? Did he go down for his nap? Did a huge pot hole open and suck the entire hospital?"Meredith raised a brow. That last one sounded a little improbable…a little."There's no off switch as a mom, you know that," Amelia shrugged, "I mean, I know you and Derek do a good job at it but don't tell me you don't-""All the time," Meredith sighed, "And he's a good dad, you know? He's on top of everything. But even when I know he has them, I can't help it. I'm writing these budget reports and my mind just goes into mom mode.""Did he pick them up? Did he make sure Bailey didn't walk into the house with those disgusting cleats on? Did Ellis do her homework? Did Zola make sure to charge her laptop? It never ends!"Amelia blew out a deep breath, "And then a case like this pops out.""And kids get into accidents," Meredith closed her eyes."And it's hard to give everything you got without losing yourself," Amelia nodded, "I get it.""Cristina once told me I couldn't give one hundred percent to everything," Meredith muttered, "I wanted to strangle her. I wanted to throw her in a ditch and we fought for months.""Well we can't," Amelia raised a brow, "I mean we want to and God and the universe knows that but we handle so much it's freaking hard. It's okay if we drop the ball. No one makes it easy, I mean, if we let up just one bit we automatically get shit on.""It never ends," Amelia rolled her eyes.Meredith stared at Amelia for a second as she stared off at the picture behind her. It had been a gift she'd given Meredith on the day she moved into her office. A family picture they'd taken the day of Maggie's wedding. Maggie and Winston happily stood at the middle. On Maggie's side, the Grey Shepherd clan stood happily. The children smiling in the middle and the parents proudly standing behind them. Amelia was on Winston's right, carrying Scout in her arms. He was a baby then. So small, so precious."Ellis climbed up a tree last night after yelling at us that we aren't paying attention to her.""I knew she was trouble that one," Amelia smirked, "What'd you do?""I sat on the floor until she came down," Meredith swiveled her chair gently and sighed, "She said Derek and I don't care about her.""Is she jealous? Is that it?"Meredith shrugged, "Not it. She's still young to understand what's happening with Zo and why we're looking at schools for her. The idea of moving is unfair and scary to her. And I get it. I get why she's scared.""Well yeah those kids are just like you," Amy grinned, "They're scared of change."The Little Grey Shepherds. Maybe they had more Grey in them than she thought."Hey," Meredith smiled as she entered the office."Hey," Derek looked up and smiled brightly before turning back to his computer, "Checking in on me chief?"Meredith chuckled, "I'm checking in on my husband. You busy?"She meandered her way to his desk after closing the door behind her. He seemed focused on his task, the furrowed brow and quick diligent typing gave him away. He had been in a rush. He was in scrubs but his coat was thrown on the couch. She plopped herself on it and crossed her legs under her."Not really. I can't stop thinking about the kids. And I know you haven't either," Derek muttered as he quickly noticed her choice of seating, "So I'm about to discharge a patient and then I'm heading home. I'm calling it a day and getting them from school.""Oh, well, good luck getting them to talk to you. They were silent on their way to school," Meredith muttered, "Maybe your stupid corny dad jokes might do the trick."Derek laughed as he continued typing away, "Oh, don't pretend you don't like them. I've caught you laughing once or twice.""Once. And it was stupid," She retorted as she studied his face carefully, "Adams is here.""He has been since yesterday," Derek answered dismisively without looking up from the screenMeredith raised her brow, "He's doing okay?""He's on Amy's service," He looked up at her with a tired sigh, "You should ask her."Closed. Shut. Locked. She knew her husband well enough to know he wasn't ready to talk about Lucas and whatever they had going on. For all the optimism that Derek Shepherd carried, there was also a darkness that not many saw. And when they did, it was easy to blame it on his arrogance and compulsive need to be the best. What they didn't realize was that behind that facade, there was a man who had been beaten over and over again. A man who needed to prove something. Not many saw it, but Meredith Grey did.It was why they fit."You okay?" Derek asked as he noticed her gaze drift."Amy's patient. Her parents are taking her home," Meredith shook her head as she closed her eyes, "All these months all I've heard from them is how optimistic the family has been and today they are leaving because they've been told that there's nothing left to do. She's about Ellie's age."Derek sighed, "Abby, right? Yeah, Amy and I looked into some ideas but they're too risky and the family didn't feel they could go through with it no matter what we said. Karev was pissed."Meredith stood from her place. She paced around the room and nervously pressed on her knuckles. The switch that was never turned off was flashing and reminding her of her three children. She didn't understand how some parents had gone through things like Andie's parents. The choice between doing everything- even if it was unknown- to protect you child versus choosing to allow your child to live outside hospital walls was a choice she never wanted to make."Was there really nothing else that could be- I mean maybe Amelia missed-""Amelia doesn't miss anything you know that," Derek turned to face her, "She tried every angle but it was too close to Broca's area."Meredith continued pacing as she released a loud raspberry. Her husband watched her carefully. Those were reserved for times where she was overwhelmed- stressed. He would know, both she and their youngest had the same tell."Well you're the impossible tumors guy, couldn't you-?""Meredith?""I'm gonna ask you something. It's a little- well- maybe, I mean I'd get it if- I do but-," she stuttered.He furrowed his brows, "What is it?""The kids- Ellie, Bails, and Zo, having them, do you think it's-" she sighed heavily before stopping and throwing her hands up. They fell to her sides as she stared at him desperately, "Do you think me taking on this job is screwing them?"Derek closed his eyes and sighed deeply, "Meredith-""No, I mean it," she insisted, "Before any of this-""Zola had panic attacks before you took on chief-""Yes because I was flying back and forth to Minnesota and you and I were fighting and she heard some of it," their biggest fight had ended in him spending the night in the trailer and Zola shutting the pair out."Whatever is happening with the kids is not on you," he shook his head, "If that's the case then it's just as well on me. I'm here just as much as you are.""Yes but I'm their-""You are selling yourself short," he stopped her as he stood from his seat and rounded the desk, "You had the exact same thoughts when you doing the trial. You can do this, you've been doing this. It's not easy but the kids know you're always there for them. They know that and I know that."Meredith turned to pace the room once again. She didn't buy it. Not fully.Derek leaned against the table and turned to face her. He crossed his arms and looked up at her, "Is this the Ellis thing, isn't it? What she said-"Guilty. Her husband knew her well enough- too well."Out of the three, she's the happy one. The brave one. She's always keeping us on our toes. She runs around the house parading how she's the baby girl and gets us both to bend at her will," Meredith ranted, "And Zola and Bails were just as happy and they are at that age where they don't know if they love us yet or if they are starting to hate us-"Derek chuckled a little. Their teenage years would be some rollercoaster, they could tell."So I gave them a pass, but Ellis? Oh Ellis is making me pull every single strand of my hair because I thought," she stopped as she pictured the distraught little girl clenching the bark of the tree, "I didn't have to worry. I thought she was just-""Yeah, I know," Derek finished for her, "I get it."Meredith turned to face Derek. He stared back with a concerned look."Zola has severe anxiety. Bailey's losing control of his temper and Ellis is feeling unloved and I missed it. I missed all of it," Meredith summed up, "I screwed up somewhere here."The pacing continued for a while. Derek watched as she furrowed her brow and bit her tongue. He could see how she was holding in her tears and trying not to show too much emotion. Ellis Grey had done an excellent job at teaching her that."You are not their only parent," Derek muttered.Meredith rolled her eyes, "Oh Derek that's not what I-""No, I know what you meant," Derek raised a hand to stop her. His gaze didn't change from a concerned, "What I mean is, if we're gonna start placing the blame somewhere, you are not the only parent."Meredith exhaled. He was right, he was not the only parent and she couldn't blame herself. Not like this."We screwed somewhere here," Derek corrected, "We missed it."She shook her head, "yeah that doesn't sound any better.""Yeah," Derek pushed himself off the table, "I know.""Again, Ellis?" Derek asked as he peered through the rearview glass to look at his youngest, "You yelled at her again? What has gotten into you?""I didn't hit anybody," Ellis grumbled as she stared off the window, "And I didn't push anyone."Ms. Adams had mentioned that Ellis had yelled in class when being tasked to clean after they finished an art project. She didn't participate in math or any other subject. And during recess, she sat at the benches. All out of character behaviors.When she asked if everything was fine between him and his wife, he nearly laughed. Everything was…not fine. The world was crashing and everything was burning."I'm glad you could keep your hands to yourself but that doesn't justify you being disrespectful to your teacher," he turned to her, "What is going on?"She stared at him with her big green eyes, her eyes furrowed, and her mouth perked into a pout. Before she could answer the voices of his other two kids were making their way closer."Stop it.""I'm not even doing anything!"Derek sighed deeply as Zola opened the passenger door and threw her backpack in. She sat in the car without a word and her brother had done the same in his usual seat in the back."I'm doing great, thanks for asking," Derek answered to nothing, "Ellis is hanging in there and we are glad you said hello to us."No response. Just upset expressions and crossed arms. His stupid, corny, dad jokes wouldn't work much to his wife's dismay."Okay," Derek muttered, "Three against one.""Ellis go to your room, start your homework," Derek opened the door to the house, "Your mom and I are gonna talk about this later.""But-""Go," Derek said patiently but sternly, "To your room."She scoffed dramatically as she stopped down the hall. He grimaced as a loud clang was heard when the door was slammed closed.Derek shut his eyes and let out a heavy breath, "Sit down. Both of you."Zola's eyes widened. Bailey's mouth dropped."I'm not-!""I don't want-!""Now!" he scolded.The pair trudged to the couch and threw their backpacks on the floor. Zola slouched on the couch and crossed his arms. Bailey seemed to mimic her but had tucked one leg under the other."When Zola had her panic attack the night of her presentation, what did you say to me?" Derek turned to his son."What do you mean?""What did you say to me?" Derek asked again, "You remember what you said?"Bailey uncrossed his arms and fidgeted with his fingers."You said you'd watch out for her," he reminded his son, "You'd have her back, remember?"Bailey nodded solemnly.Derek turned to his daughter, "And you, what did you tell me about choosing schools out of state?"Zola sighed, "I said I didn't want to.""It's not your job to-to be the parent," Derek lowered his voice as he turned to Zola and then to Bailey, "And not telling you was a choice we made as parents.""It's our job," he continued, "Bailey I get it, I do. You have a life here. You have sports and your friends and-""Lucas. I had Lucas.""I know," Derek sighed heavily, "And you. You have-""No one," Zola deadpanned, "I have no one. My friends don't get me. Bailey and Ellis hate me. Everyone thinks I'm the weirdo! I have no one!""Zola, that's not true-""You said I was your sister," Zola turned to Bailey, "You said I was your sister and that you'd have my back! I didn't want to tell you because I was scared that you and Ellis would hate me. Momma and Dad didn't say anything because I didn't even want to look at schools.""Zo-""No, I don't want to talk about it anymore," a tear trailed down her eye as she pushed herself off the couch, "I told you they would hate me!"Derek watched her as she ran away. Another piece of him dropped. It wasn't as simple as he thought. Feelings and emotions were at an all time high with the three of them.Bailey turned to his dad, "I get it, okay? I do. I don't like it, but I get it."Derek rubbed his face and sighed, "I know you do, Bailey, I know."He plopped onto the couch next to his son and sighed as he listened to his son, "I'm not mad that Zola needs another school. I'm mad that no one told me.""That's fair," Derek muttered before turning to his son."I don't hate my sister," Bailey muttered, "But you don't tell me a lot of things Dad. You always say you and I are a team, but sometimes you don't tell me things.""Bailey," Derek sighed, "Some things we can't tell you because we're your parents and we just can't tell you just yet."Bailey slouched onto the couch with his arms crossed. His angry demeanor was so much like his father's."We should've at least given you a heads up," Derek conceded, "Sorry, Bails.""Why did Lucas leave?" Bailey asked."Okay," Meredith blinked, "I'm gonna ask one more time; Are you certain you are ready to leave. Signing these documents means you are foregoing any continued medical treatment here at Grey Sloan for your daughter."Jenny stared at the documents the nurses had given her earlier. Both women sat in the waiting room across each other. Jenny's face painted a picture of sheer exhaustion. The tear ridden streaks and the reddened irises told her she was getting little to no sleep.She looked up at the doctor and blinked slowly, "You have children, Dr. Grey?""I do," Meredith swallowed, "I have three.""Have you ever had to do this? Choose between your daughter fighting for a chance at life or letting them live their final days at peace? Because let me tell you, you can ask me the same damn question over and over and I will never be sure."Meredith nodded, "I understand.""She wants this. She didn't ask it of me. She didn't beg. She practically commanded me- yelled at me- without yelling, you know? It was just one of those loud things," Jenny let out a sob before inhaling deeply, "I don't-I-I don't want to lose my daughter but I don't have a choice. And I don't want her to suffer.""I'm her mom. I am her mom. And I have to choose for her."Meredith listened as Jenny broke in front of her. Consoling a parent was one of the hardest things she'd done as a doctor. Nothing was ever right. No decision you ever made was a guarantee at full happiness because the truth was that you couldn't well see into your child's future.And something like life and death was nothing compared to her own problems with her children. It was hard to compare with the woman in front of her but the weight of decisions over her children were heavy. If they pursued a school, Zola would get the help she needed. She would thrive. They'd find a therapist that met her needs and she'd be surrounded by peers who related to her. On the other hand, Ellis would be devastated. The episodes they'd recently witnessed would only worsen and she'd feel her voice silence. And Bailey? Well the pendulum could swing either way with Bailey.Jenny wiped her face before grabbing the pen. She scrawled her signature on the documents and slid the documents back to the chief of surgery.Sealing the fate of the future of her child."Bailey and Zola are both mad at me and I'm pretty sure you're mad at me too," Derek announced as he entered the pale green room.No one responded."I know you told your mom that we don't care about you," he tried again as he stared at the tent in the far corner where he knew she had been hiding. They'd made it her oasis years ago. A place she could go to whenever she was upset and needed to cool off. It had worked until she had the brilliant idea of a treehouse."Ellis," Derek attempted, "Ellis I know this is because you're scared about what you heard."A small hand peered through the curtain. Her green eyes peered out and looked up at him, "I don't want to move."Derek softly hummed as he crouched down to join her. His long legs stuck through the tent as he settled next to her, "No one said we're moving yet. What's going on?"Ellis held onto the rag doll and smoothed the yarn hair back, "Nothing.""Something's happening," he whispered, "The little girl we've been raising would never put her hands on anyone and she'd never yell at her teacher and she would never, ever say things to her siblings.""If we move," Ellis gulped, "We'd be leaving Auntie Amy and Scout and Auntie Maggie and Uncle Winston, Uncle Alex, Aunt Jo, Lucas-""That's a lot of people," Derek whispered."That's why I'm scared!" Ellis cried out, "And momma would forget me and you would forget me. Everyone would forget me.""Ellie-""Momma says she loves me to the moon and back over and over and over again," she sighed."She does," he insisted, "We do-""If you and momma love me that much, we can't move," she stared at him.Derek sighed helplessly. He was being pitted against the sword and the wall."Ellis, it's so much more than moving. We don't even know if we're gonna move," he shrugged, "What we do know is that we are trying to do what we can to help Zo and B and-""See? It's always Zo and B!""Ellie," he tried again as she crossed her arms."No! You're just like momma, you don't care."She pouted as she pulled her little legs to her chest.His phone chirped. He opened it and glanced at the message from his wife.
Running late. Don't wait for me for dinner.
He was pretty sure none of the kids would join him anyways.Meredith walked into the pale green room where a small bundle was slowly rising up and down. She stepped in quietly and sat next to it.Sometimes she couldn't see the resemblance between herself and her daughter. Other times, there was no doubt in her mind that she was her daughter. Now, it was all she could see. Her younger self angry at the world for forgetting about her.Meredith pushed her light hair back gently. She leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead."I love you Ellie-Belle," she whispered, "To the moon and back over and over and over again."She didn't know if she could hear her. What she did know was that she meant every single word she said. And she'd be damned if history repeated itself.Meredith walked into the bedroom and and stood by the door, "What did I miss? Why are you moping?"Derek laid on his back as his right arm shielded him from the light. He hadn't bothered to change clothes and apparently he hadn't bothered to prepare the bed."I pissed them off," he muttered darkly."Derek?""I can't Mer," he whispered as he shook his head. His arm fell to his chest, "I- I tried. I let him into our home. I tried to teach him. I tried to- I just-"Meredith sighed deeply as she dropped her shoulders. They were so heavy. So heavy and so exhausted."I let him get close to the kids and now Bailey is mad at me because-""He's mad at you?" Meredith asked cautiously as she turned to him, "Bailey. You told him what happened between you and Lucas the day of the accident."He nodded. Bailey must've been disappointed. He must've been angry and confused as to why his father had yelled at someone they both cared so deeply about."Oh," She sighed as she kicked off her shoes and climbed onto bed with him."When we found out he was a boy," he gulped, "Bailey, I mean-I uh, I thought about my dad. I thought about how he took me to the shop on the weekends. He'd let me help him with the inventory. We'd go to the park and he'd take me to games and I just wanted to be just like him."Meredith pushed back his hair as she listened."And I thought about Lucas," he confessed, "He's not a kid. He's not my kid but we used to do everything Bailey and I do now. I'd take him to baseball games. Go to his practices and games. Take him out to do things.""And then I left," he whispered, "And now he hates me. Bailey hates me. Zola hates me because she thinks the other two hate her and Ellis is mad and taking it out on everyone so there's that."Meredith turned onto her back. She swallowed a lump as she thought about her kids. They were tiny humans with big emotions and sometimes it was easy to take for granted. It was easy to forget that their children also had needs that she had to meet."Our kids aren't telling us that they need us," she whispered.Derek turned to look at her slowly, "What do you mean?""Our kids are yelling that they need us," Meredith thought back to Jenny and her daughter, "And I think we need to listen. We need to explain to them that these choices you and I make aren't-"She blew out a breathe as she tried to compile her rambling thoughts."They think we don't care but you and I both know the truth," she whispered, "Right now, they need us."He agreed, "Our kids need us."If she could blink and make the scary go away she could. But life didn't work that way. Sometimes instead of running away from the scary, you have to run through it."Mom!"Zola's voice called out from the hallway as she sipped her coffee. She listened as footsteps ran down the hall. Another pair ran down behind her and then another.Zola made it to the kitchen and stood in front of her, bewildered and still in her pijamas, "My alarm didn't go off! Why didn't you wake me up! We're gonna be late.""We're already late!" Bailey followed soon after, "We're never gonna make it!"Ellis reached the pair and looked around. Something wasn't right."You're not going to school today," Meredith calmly answered as she turned the page of the Anals of Surgery that was in front of her. She stood behind the kitchen dinner with a red mug in her hand, "You're staying here. With me. Go shower, get changed. We're going out.""Where's Dad?" Bailey asked as he looked around the empty living room and kitchen."At work," Meredith replied as she flipped another page, "He had a lot of stuff to do.""Where are we going?" Ellis asked.Meredith looked up and smiled."Why are we here?" Zola scoffed from the end of the bench. Next to her sat her sister, her mother and at the other end her brother.The last time they had been here was for one of Bailey's soccer games. A rare occasion for the five to make it but they loved to be supportive. Zola would watch from the sidelines and when she was bored enough, she and her mother would find themselves to a patch of grass and find shapes in the sky. Derek would stay and watch his son while Ellis would run back and forth from one parent to another.This time there was no soccer matches. No one to cheer for and no patches of grass to lay on. Just a playground with parents and toddlers."We should be in school," Bailey muttered."Mm, you should be," Meredith mused.Ellis kept her eyebrows furrowed. She kept her arms crossed and her legs tucked neatly underneath her. Stubbornness ran in the family. On both ends. But mainly on the Grey end."When you three were little, we'd spend every Sunday here," Meredith sighed, "Zola and Bailey would play on the play set and your daddy would chase after you."Meredith giggled as she pictured the pair running through the sand. Their little legs couldn't take them too far and Derek would always be just a few feet behind, until the pair decided to give him a real run for his money and split. Zola would run one way and Derek would run another."Ellis, you'd stay with me because you were so tiny but as soon as you started walking," Meredith chuckled, "You were right behind them. Daddy and I tried to convince you to try the swing but you hated it."Ellis uncrossed her arms and looked from one end to the other, "I don't remember."Next to her, Zola sighed, "That's because you were too young. Real memories don't start until you're like three.""Mmhm," Meredith agreed as she turned to Bailey, "By then you'd started soccer. And Ellis you didn't want to separate from Dad. And Zo, you and I would do what we do best. Lay on the grass."The quartet sat in silence for another moment. The sounds of children laughing surrounded them. If she could turn back time to the days when everything seemed so much simpler with her children she would. She'd tell that Meredith to hold on to those precious little moments in time because time was unforgiving and ungrateful. It took more than it gave."I know you're mad about us leaving," Meredith sighed, "I mean we're not even leaving yet, no one has decided yet but you're scared. And I get that, I do."She glanced at each child who refused to look at each other."Change is scary. Your whole lives you've only known Seattle and all the people we love her," Meredith continued, "But we are a family. The five of us. And we have to take care of each other. I didn't grow up with sisters the way your dad did, but I wish I did. Because I love my sisters very much. All of them."Christina. Lexie. Amelia. Maggie. They were her sisters. They would always be her sisters."And you have each other. No matter what happens with Daddy and I, you have each other," her voice broke as she saw the frowns on their faces contour into something else, "You can be mad, that's fine. You can hate the idea of leaving everything you know behind because when I almost left, I was terrified.""You were?" Bailey asked curiously."I have. I am. It's scary to leave what you know behind," Meredith explained, "But we're not leaving yet. Zola hasn't looked at any school and I know that if she decides about a school, your dad and I will talk to you. Because we are a family and we fought hard for each of you so we're not ever, ever, letting any of you go."The three of them turned to her. Any parent could've said that. But no other could mean it the way she did.Because Zola was taken away from them and the possibility of never seeing her again was very real.And Bailey had been a miracle. Natural conception had seemed impossible and when he made himself known, he was a surprise.And Ellis had been the one her father had insisted on. And when the universe was ready to take him, Ellis had been the glow that kept him on Earth."And one thing you should never do is doubt how much I love you. How much your Dad loves you," Meredith swallowed the lump in her throat as she tried to hold back the tears in her eyes, "Because we would give everything- everything- for the three of you."She could feel them softening up very slowly."I love you so much," she whispered once more as she eyed the three lights of her life.Meredith Grey was the daughter of Ellis and Thatcher Grey. The woman who only wanted to be a surgeon to want to be a mom and the man who didn't care enough to stay with her. There was no one there to hold her in the dark. No one to teach her to ride her bike. No one to comfort her when there was blood on the floor.Zola Grey Shepherd, Derek Bailey Shepherd, and Ellis Carolyn Grey Shepherd would never have any of that. They had a father who would stop the entire world for them. Who took them on ferryboat rides and fought the monsters under the bed. And a mother who would give up every inch of herself to make sure they were loved. She'd kiss the wounds away and read the books every night. They would have everything their parents did not. She made sure of it."To the moon and back over and over and over again?" Ellis' green eyes turned to her.Meredith let the dam burst and sniffed as she reached to embrace her daughter tightly. Zola hugged on one end and Bailey on the other. The four stayed in their embraced for a long moment."Over and over and over again," Meredith whispered.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Derek stared at the schedule on the tablet. He couldn't avoid it any longer no matter how hard he tried and he was fully aware of it.The door to his office opened and Amelia stepped in, "Knock, knock, how's my favorite brother doing?"Derek scoffed, "I'm your only brother.""That's why you're my favorite," Amelia grinned as she closed the door behind her and stepped closer to his desk, "Heard the chief's out? She okay?""Yeah, she's good," Derek winced, "Well, I mean health wise she's fine. The kids are going through something and she took the day to spend it with them.""Oh yeah, she mentioned that," Amy nodded, "How are you holding up?"Derek processed the question for a moment and shook his head lightly, "I keep asking myself what would dad do and I draw up blanks so.."Amelia sighed."But you're not in here to talk about my failures in parenting," he smiled lightly, "What's up? What do you need?""Can't I come in here as a good sister to check in on my brother?""No, it's physically debilitating to you-"Amelia rolled her eyes, "I will ban you from the OR if you finish that sentence.""Fine," Derek chuckled. He appreciated that they'd worked their way up to this type of bantering after years of anger, resentment, and bitterness, "What's up?""Kai is flying in today and I am hoping you can take over for me for the rest of the day," Amelia conceded as she fidgeted with the pockets of her white coat, "Please? They were supposed to be here on Friday for dinner but-""It's fine," Derek grinned, "I do need you to do something in exchange.""Oh really? What's that?""Have Lucas on your service."Amelia stared at her brother. He'd been open and receptive to Kai. Amelia had confessed to him that what she felt towards them was something she hadn't experienced before. Not since Ryan. Not since…So he would cover for her whenever he could. The exchanges were always in good humor. A brother/sister lunch or dinner. Snacks from the vending machine. Babysitting the kids to give him and Meredith a night out. Things that weren't far out of reach. And though she'd take any resident, she knew she couldn't take this one."No," Amelia swallowed a lump in her throat, "No, I'll have Kai meet me here after I'm done, thanks."Derek furrowed his brows, "Oh Amy, c'mon-""No!" she turned angrily, "I told you to fix it. I told you to make it better and instead you are pushing him away!""Amelia!""Get your crap together," she gritted, "He is your nephew. He is our nephew and his mom trusted us to watch out for him even though we argued that this place wasn't right for him. Do you think he's here for me? He's here for you!"Derek shook his head, "I'm not talking about this with you-""You forgave me for totaling your Mustang all those years ago. And when I stole your prescription pad to get pills and got high. And for having to keep me alive for three whole minutes until the paramedics arrived. And when I went off the rails after your accident and refused to answer your wife's page because we were fighting over you after a patient attacked her. You forgave me over and over again-""It's not the same thing-," he shook his head."And I forgave you," Amelia glared, "For leaving me alone and for making me feel like crap all those years ago over and over again!"The Shepherd siblings had a history many siblings didn't. They carried burdens at tender ages and had pain that was never spoken of. It was always met with silence. She despised it. He thrived in it. Both at opposite ends. It's why they were always at odds with each other. And the shared trauma was what glued them together. It was one thing to have a dead dad. Another to see the pool of blood around him."You need to forgive him. He is not a black sheep," Amelia spewed, "He is a young man who is learning and making mistakes just like we both did. And what happened that night was an accident. He wasn't high or drunk and I know for a fact that he took care of your kid as best he could. And he loves your kids! Especially Bailey."Derek looked down like a kid being reprimanded for stealing a cookie from the forbidden jar."Don't make the same mistakes we did years ago," Amelias stepped closer, "Don't be a jackass again.""It's not the same, Amy," he shook his head bitterly."What's the difference?"The difference was…well he couldn't think of one yet. What he did know was that the car accident his son and nephew were in had brought up a repressed feeling he thought he had gotten over long ago. It reminded him of a time where he was walking on the like of life and death. Of giving his wife the one hundred ten years he promised and raising the children they shared. Or of leaving them behind and letting them grow without their father- like he did. A recurring, heartbreaking moment that reminded him of too much."Be the brother who stood up for me when Owen kicked me out all those years ago when I told him about Christopher," Amelia whispered with tears, "Be the brother who held me so tightly so I wouldn't get hurt when Dad died. I know he's in there somewhere."
Amelia slammed the door behind her. How had things gotten so out of hand so quickly? How was she such a happy newlywed one week ago and now she was yelling in the hospital halls at her husband.
Maybe her brother was right. Maybe this was a big mistake and she was once again acting like a-
"Amy, you okay?""I-I," she looked around and realized where she was at, "Sorry I didn't mean to come in here I just-""Amy you ran into my office and slammed the door behind you," Derek chuckled lightly, "Either you and Mer went at it again or something is really wrong, which one is it?"
Amelia stared at him. She blinked. Now. She had kept this secret long enough. It'd been something she insisted on never telling and never speaking of. Especially to him. But now, she needed to say it.
"I've been keeping something from you.," she whispered with a tremble, "I had a baby."
She watched as he blinked in confusion. Like he couldn't properly compute what was coming out of her mouth.
"What?" he furrowed his brow, "I thought you said the test came out negative-""No. I was pregnant. In LA," she continued, "I swore Addison to secrecy and I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd freak out and so would mom and our sisters And they would say crap about me being a drunk-""Amy-" Derek dropped the pen in his hand and stood quickly from his chair, "Why didn't you say anything?""I had just left rehab and I was scared, okay? I was terrified and I had no one. I. Had. No one."
It clicked. The timing was right. It was a terrible, terrible moment in her life. She had hit rock bottom. Her fiance had overdosed and she awoke next to his dead body, "Ryan's? He was the-"
"Yeah," she barely managed to answer, "My baby was all I had left of him. And-""Amelia-""He had anencephaly so he lived for forty-three minutes," she smiled painfully, "I held him. Until I had to- until it was time. I named him Christopher. After Dad."
She swallowed the tears threatening to release from her pain ridden eyes.
Derek stood from his desk and walked towards her. Amelia gulped, unable to properly assess the look on his face. Disappointment? Anger?
"He donated all of his organs. I let him go. And it almost-"
What happened next surprised her. There was no hesitancy. No doubt when his arms pulled her towards him. And somewhere in the middle, she broke down. Because she'd kept this secret so guarded and protected. And instead of reprimanding her for keeping the secret like she expected, he accepted her. He did the right thing and just held her.
And finally, she shared it with her favorite person in the world. And the closest thing she had to a father; Her big brother.
Derek paced from one end of the stairwell to the next. He ran his hand through his hair as he heard a door close from the floor beneath him. Footsteps climbed the stairs until they slowed down approaching him."You paged?""You're on my service today," Derek sighed as he stopped pacing. He gulped as he looked down at his nephew."I'm aware." Lucas leaned against the wall and stuffed his hands into his pocket, "Did you need something?""Shep, I owe you-," Derek began before his nephew took a step back and shook his head."Don't even bother," Lucas scoffed, "I get it, okay?. I've been my family's disappointment my entire life and I don't live up to anyone's expectations as a Shepherd. And the one time where I actually thought I'd get some support, it actually turned out to be worse.""I'm trying to-" Derek tried only to be pushed further away."You were like a God to me," Lucas scoffed, "You were- you were invincible and all I ever wanted was to make you proud. But it turns out I'm just a disappointment to you as I am to everyone else.""Lucas, you're not a disappointment," Derek denied, "I never said you were a disappointment!""No but you treat me like one," Lucas shook his head, "You know what gave it away that I had something to do with the Shepherd freakin' Super Surgeons? It wasn't Amelia treating me the way she did. It was you!""Me?""Yes you!" Lucas cried out, "The way you constantly looked me over and gave the cases over to Kwan or Griffith. Or h-how you wouldn't let me earn-""I never treated you any differently than any of the other interns," Derek gritted, "I was careful. You hadn't earned them then and it doesn't mean you haven't gotten any better! You wanted to keep all your personal connections private and I respected that. I tried!"Lucas stared at him, "Mom was right. She always said Amelia was the best liar but she always said you were the one with the God complex."Game. Set. Match."Looks like she was right about you too," Derek stared back at him with his hands on his hips, "You're always looking for someone else to blame. It's what you've always done."They were once tied at the hip. You couldn't separate Lucas from Derek. And whenever Derek could break away from the hospital, he'd go straight to him. He was his favorite nephew.But now, they stared at each other like common enemies. People who hurt each other back and forth. With painful pasts shoved down over and over."Look I'm done trying to pretend that things can ever go back to when I was a kid. I'm done. So can we please just try to remain professional?" Lucas stood in front of him angrily, "Can you do that, Dr. Shepherd?"Derek clenched his jaw and nodded, "You can go to the pit, Dr. Adams. Find something to do down there."Derek opened the door and released a deep sigh. He dropped his briefcase and began to remove his coat when the sight in front of him made him freeze."Hey," Meredith turned to him and smiled from the couch. She sat with her legs crossed under her as she flipped through a journal, "You're home early. We ordered take-out and it should be here soon."Derek sighed at the sanctuary his home provided. A wife he adored. Three children who loved him. A place to hide from it all."Kids?""Oh, they're still upset with each other but in their own rooms. I forced them to spend time together earlier," Meredith chuckled, "so they needed a break.""You okay?" he pressed a quick kiss to her cheek."Yeah," she shrugged, "You know they're still not one hundred percent happy with each other but I'm- I- I think I did good today. It felt like I did the right thing, I don't know I'm probably wrong and it could backfire on me tomorrow when Ellis decides to burn the house down, so who knows."She shrugged with a slight chuckle expecting him to join her. Instead she turned to find him slouched next to her as his hand rested on his stomach and his eyes blinked at the ceiling."What happened," his wife whispered, "You seem so tired.""I tried to talk to Lucas today," he turned to her, "He shut me out. And I-I-"He rubbed his face with both hands knowing exactly what he meant."Derek-""I just," he gulped, "I can't get a hold of it. I tried to get it together for you and the kids and I did, I thought I did. I mean we were fine. And then Lucas shows up. And everything I thought I left behind just came back.""You said things to him," she whispered knowingly, "You said hurtful things that you didn't mean but you knew they would hurt."Derek Shepherd had been a different man before returning to Seattle. At least, that's how the tale was told. He was married to a woman who was very well put together. A New Yorker who was sophisticated, wealthy, and a brilliant surgeon. He'd lived in a brownstone, owned a house in the Hamptons, and had a successful private practice.It was hard to imagine him back then. Yet sometimes, those glimpses of Derek made themselves known.The man she knew now used to live content in a trailer, surrounded by silence. Loved to fish and hike in the early mornings. Enjoyed a beer while he stared off at the amazing view of the cliff. Worked his ass off to help as many people as he could. And hid all his past as deep as he could.She didn't push. Even when Wyatt had insisted that he open up, she respected the boundaries he placed. Because the Derek Shepherd after his father's death was also a different one."Derek," Meredith whispered, "That past has never gone away. You've just pushed it back as far as you could and pretended it was never there. I should know, I'm great at doing it.""When did you get so smart? When did you get all healed?"Meredith laughed a little, "Mommy and Daddy issues. And suicidal tendencies. And abandonment issues. Husband almost dying issues. Too many issues.""That makes two of us," Derek released a breathy chuckle. He nodded as he turned to her, "I'm gonna check in on the kids."She watched as he stood up and made his way down the hallway, pushing the past as far as he could once again."Your mom says that she forced you to spend time with your sisters," Derek stood at his son's door, "Must've been tough.""I forgot what it was like to be around them all day," Bailey muttered as he put away his video game console."The problem between Lucas and I had nothing to do with you Bailey," Derek stepped in as he closed the door behind him, "I uh, I was the one who overreacted and pushed him to his limit. I was unkind and I'm sorry for pushing him. It wasn't fair to you."Bailey hopped onto his bed and stared at his dad, "Did you tell him that you were sorry? You always say it's important to-""Apologize and mean it. I know. I drilled it into you and your sisters," he pressed his lips into a tight line, "I tried to talk to him but I think I made things worse.""Why?" Bailey asked.The confession had slipped. It wasn't something he meant to tell his son and quite frankly, he wasn't even sure why."I just- you know how sometimes things just come out? And you don't even know why?""Yeah?""I think that's what happened to me. And I was mean and I pushed when I knew I shouldn't have," Derek shifted uncomfortably, "I don't know how, Bailey but I'm gonna fix it. I'm gonna try."Bailey nodded, "I was mean to Zo. I was really mean to her. I told her I didn't care and I do."He fidgeted with his fingers as his father got close and sat on the bed next to him, "So what are you gonna do?"Bailey turned to him, "Apologize and mean it.""That's my kid," Derek reached to kiss the top of his head and pulled him closer. He could learn something from his son. He always did. His children- their children- had been the ones to teach them some of the most important lessons he'd ever learn. Now, his son was teaching him a lesson in humility and forgiveness, "I love you Bails."Bailey wrapped one arm around him, "I love you too, Dad."
Protect your sister. It's your job to protect her. Protect your sister.
Derek gripped his little sister as tightly as he could. He shut her mouth closed and pressed down as hard as he could. If he kept his hand on her mouth she wouldn't scream. She wouldn't yell.
But if he looked up, his dad would be on the floor…he knew that…Dad was dead. He didn't need to see him to know that.
He heard the bell cling as the robbers left. His grip on Amy loosened.
"Stay here," Derek whispered, "Don't move."
She was crying. Scared and in tears. Derek stepped over his comic book as he stepped closer to where he knew he'd find him. A pair of black boots stuck out from behind the wall hiding him
Another step. A final one.
He was right. His dad was gone. Blood piled around him and his dad was no more.
Derek jumped up and breathed heavily. He turned to the bundle next to him. Safe. He was safe. He was far away from that little shop in Westchester. Away from the scene where he heard the gunshot. Away from where his failures began."Derek, what's wrong?" Meredith slowly shuffled until he reached over to gently push her back down."It's fine, everything's fine," he whispered, "I'm go- I'm gonna get some water. Go back to sleep."He kicked off the blankets over him as his feet touched the cold wood. He made his way to the kitchen barefoot without grabbing his robe and without a light on. He tried to regain his breath as he opened the faucet and chugged down the water in the glass. He slammed it gently on the counter and stared ahead.He couldn't remember the last time he had dreamt that. He couldn't remember if it had been before or after his accident. Before or after the kids.The lights suddenly turned on. He turned to the culprit and sighed, "I didn't mean to wake you.""Which one was it?" she asked as she squinted, adjusting to the fluorescent lights. Meredith stepped closer as she wrapped the blanket tighter around her, "Car accident or plane crash? Or the bomb? Please don't tell me it's the bomb.""You still dream about the bomb?," he whispered as she got closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder."Don't turn this around, what was the nightmare?"Derek opened the faucet again and filled his glass once more. Meredith lifted her head to watch as he quickly drinked the water. He rinsed the glass and placed it in the rack without so much as turning to see her."Derek," she whispered, "What was the nightmare about?"Meredith pressed her lips against his shoulder, "We can talk about it, you know? I've gotten better at the whole listening thing. Ask the kids, they can vouch for me."He chuckled a little as he turned to her, "Not tonight just, not tonight.""Okay," she whispered.He searched for her, slowly making his way to her lips until there was nothing left to say. Her arms wrapped around him as he pushed her to the nearest wall. His hands snuck into her gray sweater until he lifted it and threw it somewhere next to her. She shivered as the cool air hit her skin and as his lips roamed. She was willing and open and warm and all he wanted was to hide as far as he could. And she would hide with him. She'd give him a safe hiding space until he was ready to come out of the hole he'd dig for himself. After all, he'd done the same for her many times before."My son plays baseball in the spring," Derek grinned, "He was playing soccer last season and now he wants to take on hockey.""That's a lot of sports," his young patient laughed, "I've only ever played baseball but now I want to learn how to bake next.""Really?" Derek raised his brows, "My daughter is the baker in our family. What's your favorite thing to make?"Dana entered the room and laughed, "Is Oliver talking your ear off again? I knew he would.""I think we've both been talking each other's ears off," Derek laughed, "Dr. Adams, present.""Okay my hope is that the tumor hasn't returned and that the treatments have continued to do their job which is keeping this thing as far away as possible," Derek smiled as he sat across his patient.Dana sighed, "His oncologist says he's been doing fine ever since you performed the surgery, I mean-""And he is," Derek smiled, "His labs came out as expected but we just have to be on the safe side, okay? I don't do things halfway, you know that.""Thanks," Dana nodded appreciatively, "Hey, uh, by the way, I heard about your son that day. I saw him in one of the rooms but I didn't want to intrude. How's he doing?"Derek pressed his lips together in a thin line. It was complicated. Physically, he was fine- he was recovering perfectly and even better than expected! But Derek knew that the toll of their latest dilemma's had caused exhaustion and pain."He is recovering nicely, thank you," Derek answered honestly."You and your wife? You're doing okay? It's tough things like this just happen, I mean," Dana sighed as she nodded towards her son.She was divorced, according to Addison. Oliver's sickness had proved to be too much and their marriage had crumbled."Yeah, my wife and I are," he sighed fondly, appreciating that problems involving their children hadn't- and wouldn't- escalate to such a level, "We're better. It was tough at first but we got through that bridge.""Good," Dana answered before Lucas coughed."Dr. Shepherd, scans are in," he passed the tablet to Derek with the tablet open. Derek studied meticulously each of the scans leaving no spot untraced."Oh my God. I just realized," Dana chuckled, "You're the little boy that used to follow Derek around in the summers. You're his nephew um, oh I remember-"She blinked as she tried to remember, unaware of the tension between the pair."Shep! That's what he called you. Addie used to say-"Lucas cleared his throat, "It's Lucas. I don't go by Shep anymore."Derek closed the tablet and handed it back to Lucas. If the tension had lingered, it was worse now. Lucas was making it clear that there was a line drawn and it was no longer professional. It was personal on many levels.Dana chuckled nervously before turning to Derek, "How's it look?"The neurosurgeon smiled, "Dana, there's no sign of the tumor coming back. He's recovering."Meredith felt a pair of lips graze the back of her head as she typed away at the tablet on the counter."Hey," she smiled as she looked up."Hey," Derek smiled back as he stood next to her typing at his own tablet."How'd it go with Dana?""Better than expected," Derek sighed, "We got clear enough margins and it looks like we'll be in the clear after some rounds of radiation.""Oh," The chief sighed with relief as she moved from the station, "That's such good news.""Yeah," he exhaled as he charged his computer and followed her."I need you to promise me something," Derek licked his lips nervously as he walked down the hall beside her."What's that?' Meredith asked as she opened the door to her office and stepped in. He stepped in behind her and closed the door."I know you don't like it when I talk about this but I need you to promise that whatever happens- if anything happens- you and the kids will be fine. You will- you'll move forward-""You're right, I don't like-""Meredith," he gulped before whispering, "I'm serious. I need you to promise me.""Nothing is gonna-""I need to hear you say it," he pleaded."This is the nightmare isn't it? It's what you dreamed about? What was it? The semi? The shooting? What the hell did you dream-""Meredith!"Meredith felt the heaviness of the promise weigh on her. She stepped forward and reached for him. Meredith placed one kiss on his lips. Then another, "I promise. But nothing is going to happen.""Thank you," he whispered before turning to open the door."You need to promise the same," she called out before the door fully opened.He turned slowly to face her knowing what was coming next."If we're talking worse case scenarios and nightmares," she whispered, "You and those kids. You'll take care of each other. You have to promise."His lips turned to a grim smile, "Nothing's gonna happen. I promise.""Uncle Derek?"
Derek quickly glanced at the rearview mirror and smiled at the small boy sitting in the back seat, "Yes Lucas?"
"Are you and Aunt Addie ever going to have kids?"
Derek laughed, "Are you getting tired of your siblings? You have a lot of cousins-"
"Yeah, but they're not fun like you," Lucas whined."I don't know Lucas," Derek sighed, "That's a grown-up conversation for me and Auntie Addie."
Derek continued to drive in silence as the little boy sat in the seat behind him. This was their fifth Yankee game he'd taken the boy to and it always felt like the first time. His brown wide eyes were always filled with joy and happiness as they watched and cheered. And yelled angrily. He wanted one of his own. He wanted a boy of his own to take to games, to coach, to call his own. He wanted the whole family thing that Addison just wasn't ready for. But for now, he'd settle with his nephew whenever he'd visit.
"If you have a kid, does that mean you'll forget about me?"
Derek blinked, "No, I could- Shep, I could never do that to you."
Lucas pushed his head back further into the seat before sighing.
Derek peered through the rearview and grinned softly. He looked nothing like a Shepherd- except the curls at the top of his head. He was all Adams. He was shy and reserved. But sometimes he'd done well with showing off the headstrong side of himself.
"You know, you and I share a name?" Derek peered again to the young boy. The boy's features crinkled into confusion, "Mmhm, it's true. When I was practicing to be a surgeon, there was a doctor- Dr. Webber- he was my favorite teacher and he would call me Shep. So all of my friends called me that.""Really?" Lucas' eyes brightened, "Is that true?""Of course it is!," Derek laughed, "And then when you were born your mom said she wanted to name you after me and went with Shep.""Why?""I don't know," Derek shrugged, "But you know what?""What?" the boy asked with wonder."I think Shep is better," Derek grinned."You're here!," Amy greeted as she opened the door, "Maggie said she couldn't come. But, Scout's upstairs if you want to go say hi."Ellis ran down the hallways until she climbed each stair to reach her favorite cousin."Ellis, no running in the house," Derek called out as he stepped into the house he once called home, "So what it's just you, Kai, Mer, me and the kids? You said everyone else had other plans, too."Amelia grimaced, "Well, I kinda lied.""You what?""Hey how many plates do you-" Lucas froze at the hallway frame as he locked eyes with his uncle, "I thought you said he wasn't coming?""I lied to you too," Amelia grinned before turning from one to the other."Amy-""Wait-"The door opened behind him as three little kids entered the house, "Dad, Mom says- Lucas!"Bailey beamed as he ran towards his cousin and embraced him."Hey kid," Lucas smiled as he hugged him back, "Heard you took a big slice a while ago. How are you feeling?"They high fived. Then back-fived. Then another hand movement. A handshake, like brothers. Like friends."We should have a secret handshake!"
Derek laughed, "You want a secret handshake? Okay, you make it up go!"
He recognized it the minute he saw it. Lucas has taught the old handshake to his son. Lucas had built a bond with him the same way that they once had. And now he was the one standing in the middle of it."Dad? Dad!" Zola's voice broke him from his trance."Sorry? I was distracted. What happened?"Lucas and Bailey were long gone. The hallway was empty and he stood in his same spot."I found them!" Meredith's voice could be heard from where she'd parked the car."Never mind," Zola chuckled, "She probably left them stuck on the ignition again."Zola walked into the living room leaving her father at the entryway alone again."I left them on the ignition. You should take them before I lose them again," Meredith chuckled as she closed the front door, "Hey, you okay?"I'm fine," he replied nonchalantly. He stepped towards where the dining table was set as Meredith froze in her spot. So that's what that felt like.Fine meant something was definitely not…fine."What the hell were you thinking?" Derek sneered, "He doesn't want to see me."Amelia shrugged, "It's a family dinner. He's family. You're family. We're family. We are having dinner.""He's right, Lucas hates his guts," Meredith added as she popped a carrot into her mouth. Derek turned to her and glared, "What? You're the one that's been moping around about it. Either you accept it or you have dinner and make it right. You can't blame Amy for this.""Thank you!" Amelia grinned happily at her sister defending her, "She's right, it's time you put whatever is happening behind you. Help me with the casserole."Meredith eyed her husband as the gears in his head turned, "You're not on call tonight so don't even try it. I know you.""Did you know he'd be here?" he asked."I did not," she answered sincerely, "But he's here and so are our children. Get over yourself."As she stepped into the dining room, she easily joined the small talk between Amelia, Kai, and Zo. Something about AVMs or whatever. He shook his head and joined them in the room. To his luck, he sat across from his nephew as his sister sat at the head of the table. For once, the kids had joined the table now that it was just them."Shepherd, David asked me to send his regards," Kai smirked, "He says you're missed out in Minnesota."Derek snorted, "Sure he wasn't talking about Meredith? I told you he despises me."Everyone at the table laughed- except Lucas who shifted uncomfortably- before Kai spoke up again, "Actually this time he meant it. He read the article you two published on the treatment you did on your quadriplegic patient. He was impressed.""Oh," Derek raised his brow surprised, "I still highly doubt he said I was missed."They chuckled, "Yeah, no, I lied about that.""A lot of lying today," Lucas muttered."What's that?" Amelia asked as she took a dish from her brother's hand."Nothing, uh, can you pass the salt?"Derek passed the salt over without looking up. The small talk continued"How long are you in town for?" Meredith asked as she tried to ease the awkwardness between the Shepherds. If Kai was looking to stay, Meredith wouldn't let them be scared off because of any Shepherd bickering."Actually, I'm uh, looking into making a permanent move," Kai grinned. Derek turned to his sister knowingly. Amy could take care of herself. She didn't need him to fight her battles or to approve of anyone. But that didn't mean it would stop him from teasing his kid sister. Amelia glared at him. Shut up she seemed to say."That's great," Derek smiled, "I'm happy to hear that. ""Um, Derek, are you still going to New York soon?" Amelia cleared her throat.Meredith turned to her kids who ate in complete silence. The well mannered trio didn't bother to look up at the mention of New York and they definitely didn't bother with any conversation."Amy," Derek motioned to the children before eyeing her."Oh, right, sorry," Amelia caught on, "Hey, your parents are still out there right?""No idea," Lucas shrugged."You haven't called her? You haven't called your mother?" Derek asked, "I thought I told you-""You don't need to worry, it's my business whether or not-""Not when she asked me-" Derek scoffed.Lucas set the platter down,"Oh is that why you've been so welcoming?"Meredith and Amelia glanced at each other as they bickered. This would get out of hand quickly if either of them didn't intervene.Amelia glared at her nephew, "Lucas-"Kai turned to the kids, "Hey, uh, you guys want to go outside for a bit."The trio nodded as they stood from the table. Meredith mouthed thank you to Kai as they all stepped out. This wasn't at all what she imagined the dinner to go like. She wasn't aware of how bad things had gotten between Derek and Lucas.Lucas continued, "Because ever since I got here, all you've been trying to do is boss me-""It's not my fault things haven't gone smoothly for you here. It's not my fault your intern year-""Derek," Meredith warned before he could say anything hurtful."You know what?" Lucas chuckled, "I thought we could be civilized here but apparently we can't""Lucas! Sit down! Derek, shut up!" Amelia ordered as she turned to her brother, "Our family is broken. It's been broken for years! And you know this!"Derek leaned back at his chair, "He's an adult now, not a kid if he wants to go-""And yet you insist on treating me like one!""I'm not treating you like a child," Derek shouted as he stood from his chair, "You came to us. You applied to Grey Sloan. We didn't play favorites- I certainly didn't! But we both opened the doors to our home and time after time you've pushed us!""That's not what I've done!""Derek, that's not fair," Meredith quietly added as she looked up at him, "He came to me-""You let every intern believe you and Amelia were sleeping together!""Only because she kept hovering over me and I begged you two not to blow my cover," Lucas gritted, "Besides, let's stop pretending this is just about me doing my internship here-""Lucas I'm sorry-" Amelia tried."You're right it's not," Derek stood, "This is about you being reckless and arrogant. You were the one driving and you were the one who wasn't focused. Just like you're not focused at the hospital!""There it is! You blame me for what happened to Bailey-""No, it's not your fault," Meredith grasped at her husband's arm, "We both know it's not his fault, Derek it's not the same thing as-""You have always been reckless Lucas," Derek yelled, "You're reckless with your life, with my kid, and with your internship. I have tried to keep you focused but clearly I was right when I told Meredith that letting you do your internship here was a mistake!"Amelia and Meredith stared at each other. Derek Shepherd had a terrible habit of letting his anger dictate what came out of his mouth. A terrible habit. And they both knew it stemmed from problems deeper than even he imagined."Don't worry," Lucas lowered his voice before turning to Meredith, "I resign my placement at Grey Sloan. You'll have my formal resignation tomorrow morning.""Lucas!" Amelia tried before he turned to her."And I'll be out of your hair tomorrow morning," he made his way to the door before he slammed it shut."What the hell was that?" Meredith exclaimed as she looked up at her husband, "What the hell did you just do?""I didn't do anything," Derek moved towards the kitchen, "I told you-""You pushed him out!" Amelia yelled as she followed him, "You pushed our nephew out!""I didn't-""Dad! Can you come help us please?" Zola's voice cut through, "Bailey was chasing Ellis and tripped. We thought it was a scratch but it's a pretty deep cut."She zoomed back out as Derek followed her out the kitchen. He left the two women in the kitchen without glancing back."It's the accident. Bailey's accident," Meredith mumbled, "He's been like this since the accident."Amelia sighed as she made her way to the kitchen sink, "Meredith he's been like this since forever.""What are you talking about?"Amelia grabbed a glass of water and sipped it, "Whenever something happens and he can't run from it, he's like a bomb that explodes. He's done it to you, to me, to my sisters, and now he's doing it to Luke."Meredith sighed, "He's also a hot headed asshole.""He is," Amelia agreed, "When my dad died, he didn't say anything. He was silent. Completely silent. He didn't even cry."Amelia looked up at her sister in law. The death of Christopher Shepherd had been something no one talked about. He had only mentioned it once, maybe twice and even so, it was very brief. So quiet."I didn't even remember when he held me back until he reminded me," Amy continued, "And then we sat at the hospital waiting room with mom. And he still didn't say anything. He was terrified and he never said anything."Meredith blinked. This had been something no one had ever talked about. It was a hidden secret about the man she shared a bed with and yet somehow she felt it was also some sort of intrusion, "He was scared."Amelia stared at her with a knowing look, "You've never wondered why Derek Shepherd has to be the best at everything? Why he has this compulsive need to overprotect? Why he yells and berates people when they make a mistake and get themselves into problems?""You never said anything," Meredith shook her head, "He's never said anything."It all clicked. It all made sense somehow. His Dad's death had impacted him in more ways than she had initially thought. It wasn't just a view of black and white that clouded him, it was a need to protect those he loved the most. A fear that mistakes on their part would cause him to lose them.Christopher Shepherd had refused to give up a watch. It cost him his life and Derek, at the tender age of twelve, was forced to watch it all.It was a big clue. And yet, she knew there was so much more missing."Dead parents screw us all Mer," Amelia gulped, "Even those you call McDreamy.""Do you have the first aid kit?"Zola passed her father the gauze prepared with antiseptic. She smiled as he noticed that she was already prepared, "What happened?""I tripped and fell," Bailey winced as his father cleaned out the deep cut, "I think I hit myself on the sprinkler.""Why is Ellie crying?" he asked as he took another gauze from his eldest. He'd been sitting on a chair as his son sat on the table with a deep wound on his knee. It may have seemed small but it was deep enough to infect. And the blood didn't seem to ever stop."She got scared when Bailey yelled," Zola explained, "It was pretty gruesome."Kai had taken her to the swingset to settle her down. They both watched from a distance as Derek did his best to help his son."Zo?" Bailey looked to his sister, "Sorry I was mean about you looking at different schools. I shouldn't have been mean to you."A small smile tugged at her lips as she passed her father a bandaid, "I know. I'm sorry I was mean about Lucas. It isn't your fault.""She's right," Derek sighed as he looked at both of his children, "It's on me. And the three of you shouldn't have seen what happened in there. I'm sorry."He finished cleansing the wound. As he sat back on the chair and looked on his two children who apologized and recognized his mistakes.."I'm gonna make it right, I promise," Derek whispered."I know," Bailey whispered. All his life, he'd only known that his father was a superhero. Some sort of hero who seemed to do no wrong.But even heroes were human. And Derek had been showing that side of him more often than not."You two are much better than I could ever be," Derek smiled, "For a long time your mom and I thought it'd be just you two but I remember telling her that you'd always have each other. And now you have Ellis, too."The two elder Grey Shepherds glanced at each other before looking at their dad."You three have a job to each other and that's to always watch each other's backs. Sometimes you'll piss each other off and sometimes you'll be each other's favorite person. But you should always- always- take care of each other."The kids nodded. Seemingly understanding their father's words and not understanding that their actions had mirrored the much more complicated fights between Derek and Amelia Shepherd."Don't forget that, okay?"The pair nodded.And the world turned back on its axis for one brief moment."Lucas is spending the summer in New York, what am I supposed to tell him," Carolyn yelled into the phone.
Derek winced. He'd just grabbed everything in his car and left. And he wasn't looking back. He was headed west. To start again. And to get the hell away from New York.
"Tell him I'm sorry," he muttered back, "But I just- I can't stay Ma.""Derek-""Ma, I gotta go."
He hung up the phone and froze. Was he doing the right thing? Was he really just leaving everything he knew behind? Was he abandoning an eleven year marriage?
What of the little boy who looked up to him? How would he explain that he wasn't abandoning him, he was just…running.
"Bailey's accident was not Lucas' fault," Amelia's voice broke him from his trance, "Just like Dad's death wasn't yours either.""This has nothing to do with Dad, Amy," he rolled his eyes as Amelia sat next to him in Meredith's old swing."Everything has to do with him," Amelia replied as she stuffed her hands in her jacket."You know my brother? Derek Shepherd?" Amelia smirked, "He is a good brother. A good husband. A good dad. A good son. I mean everyone pretty much thinks he's perfect but I know he is an ass when he's pissed. And I know he doesn't mean to be. He just holds it all in until he hits wall after wall."Derek shook his head as he listened to his sister."You've hit a wall with Lucas and you can keep hitting yourself or you can make it better," Amelia nudged him, "We made it better. Between us? You can do it with him."Derek took a moment to process her words."Owen said there was an accident and my first thought wasn't Bailey," he swallowed, "It was Lucas. And it sounds terrible but I just didn't think my son would ever-""I thought I'd lost Lucas the way I- and we had just fought and-""You're mad at yourself," Amelia observed, "Things were finally okay and then one little thing caused a fight and then he crashed. Kind of like you and your own accident."Derek nodded, "My kids would've grown up without their dad. Bailey would be angry at the world. Zola would be even more traumatized and Ellis? I wouldn't have even met her.""It wasn't you in the car," Amelia reached for his hand, "And you are not Dad. You are here, breathing, living, seeing your kids grow up into the amazing tiny humans they are."Derek nodded."And you get to make things right, because you are here," Amelia added.Make things right. That's what he had to do.Nothing was different about the bar. The Emerald City Bar had seen a lot. And there was a special meaning here given that it was where he had met the girl in the bar who would become the love of his life."I had a feeling I would find you here," Derek muttered as he sat on the stool next to the dark haired man."Seriously, you need to leave me alone," Lucas exhaled as he slammed the glass on the table.Joe made eye contact with him behind the bar and nodded, "Single malt scotch?""Yes, please," Derek grinned, "haven't seen you in a while.""That's because you're kids keep you busy," Joe chuckled, "Do you want another-""Yes," Lucas nodded instantly, "I'm gonna need it."Joe approached him, filled his glass and passed another to Derek. He left the pair alone to wallow in the awkward tension."You know I had a feeling you didn't want me here," Lucas shook his head, "Mom said your ego was too big to have another Shepherd here.""Your mom and I haven't spent more than a few hours in the same room over the last decade," Derek shook his head, "She has no idea what she's talking about."A moment passed between the two as they each drank their scotch."A couple years ago, I had an accident-""I know the story," Lucas rolled his eyes,"The semi hit you after you stopped in the middle of the road. You were some sort of hero before that and saved four lives-""What you don't know is that I was dead for a few minutes," Derek muttered as he downed the rest of his scotch. He hissed at the bitter taste, "I thought you had-."Lucas turned to look at him. Derek's gaze fell onto his half empty glass. That, he didn't know. His mother had apparently hidden how scary the accident had been. And it didn't help that Derek had practically refused anyone to visit with the exception of his mother. His sisters didn't listen of course, but he was clear about the nieces and nephews."My kids are showing signs of trauma and I am coming to terms that I have a lot of my own," Derek admitted, "I can't get a hold of it and when I was told you'd been in a car crash, Shep-""You thought it was me?"Their fighting didn't allow for the possibility that Derek had been scared for him. These last few months he'd thought that Derek despised him and his actions practically confirmed it."You got on a motorcycle crash in high school after finding my old bike," Derek turned to him, "You're a lot more like me than you realize, you know?"Derek grinned as his nephew chuckled a little."You're reckless like I was at your age. You dive deep into something without thinking about it like I used to. The difference is that you're not afraid to step up when things get scary."Derek was a runner. He had always been a runner and would most likely remain a runner. But Lucas was made of something different. He wasn't scared to face him head on and tell him his truths. He wasn't scared to walk away and let him know he was in the wrong. All he wanted was to be recognized for who he was. And what he could be. What he wanted to be."What happened to Bailey was not your fault. I was in the wrong for taking it out on you," Derek reached for shoulder, "You're a good kid. And I know your aunts and I have cast a huge shadow over you."Lucas nodded, "It's not easy you know. I thought that if I came here and kept my head down, I could do it. I don't want to cling to any name. I want to make my own.""I know," Derek nodded, "And I know you will. You're more than just a name."Lucas played with the glass in his hand, "I checked in on Bailey a lot."Derek turned to look at him as he spoke, "I would ask Griffith to check in on you and she couldn't say much but she'd let me know he was doing okay."Derek cleared his throat, "I'm sorry I left you alone all those years ago."And with that. Two white flags were raised.A war had ended.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Derek Shepherd disappearing was a frightening thing. It meant he was in some sort of danger. He was hanging off a cliff. Okay, a little extreme but nonetheless plausible. At least that's what her mind had told her.But last night was different. He kissed her head and walked out of the old house. She didn't get a chance to ask where or why because she had Scout in her arms and Ellis demanded her attention. When she walked after him, his sister gently shook her head. It's a Shepherd thing. Code for, I got him.Regardless, she felt awash with relief when she saw him standing in front of the OR board, pensive and lost in thought. A light blue scrub cap with waves sat firmly around his curls."You disappeared last night," Meredith whispered as she approached her husband, "I didn't know whether to wait for you or take the kids home.""And you went with taking the kids home," Derek smirked, "In my defense I did text you.""Which was appreciated, thank you," Meredith giggled, "Amy said she'd make sure you were here early. Where'd you go?""Uh, I was at Joe's. With Lucas," Derek furrowed his brow as he thought back to the night's events, "Then I crashed at the old house. Ask Lucas, he can vouch for me. Amy too.""Uh-huh," Meredith squinted her eyes at him, "Do I have to worry about any girls at the bar? Anyone wanting to take you home? Anyone wanting to make out with you?"Meredith raised her brow as she slightly shifted. He couldn't tell whether she was being serious or if she was teasing him."No, but you may want to worry about Lucas. Kid can drink me under the table," Derek shook his head.He earned another laugh from his wife, "Oh, so things are okay? Between the two of you? No more fighting and yelling? You two are good?""Mer," he turned to her, "we're good I promise."He leaned down to press a kiss to her lips."Okay," she whispered, "Wait, does this mean he's moving back in?""I… have no idea. I'd like him too but," Derek shrugged, "I don't want to push it. Last night, we were at the bar and we spent it talking. About his mom and when he was a kid. What he wants to do. It felt nice. I don't want to push him away again."There he was. The Derek Shepherd she recognized."Good," Meredith nodded, "Hey, uh-"She closed her mouth, regretting what she was about to ask. Amy's comments about her husband had left her curious for more. But just like her husband, she wasn't ready to push anyone away. And sometimes, Derek needed to be pushed enough for him to open up."What?" He turned to her waiting for her question."Nothing," She shook her head, "I was just gonna ask if uh- you're on the board for pro-bono surgeries today."He nodded, "I am, I already got through one and I have another in a few minutes I'm just waiting for-Skywalker!"Meredith laughed as she turned back to see their nephew in light blue scrubs and a light blue scrub cap."And that's my cue," she squeezed Derek's shoulder and smiled, "I'll see you later."Derek smiled back as the young intern approached him.Lucas couldn't help the chuckle that escaped him, "Skywalker? Since when do you call me that?""I vaguely remember you losing a bet over darts last night and me winning the right to call you that," Derek chuckled before handing his tablet over, "I got something for you and last time I checked you are still on my service."Lucas' excitement dimmed as he read the case and went through each scan, "An aneurysm? Really? I thought you had something big"Derek glared before stopping, "This is big Dr. Adams."Lucas sighed. Here was another speech."In every surgical specialty you will see more of these common cases than any of the big fancy once in a lifetime kind of cases," Dr. Shepherd explained, "you need to go back to the basics. Start again. Respect the fact that the smallest surgeries save lives too. Especially on pro bono day.""You're not gonna try to sway me to specialize in-""No," Derek shook his head, "I had my reasons to specialize in neuro and Amy had hers. You want to make a name for yourself right?"Lucas nodded."This is how you start," Derek approved, "You ready?""Hey, Shepherd," Meredith called out as she rounded the corner. She had spotted the familiar dark short curls."Hey, I have a trauma but Derek said he could take over-""He's on it," Meredith reached her, "What you told me last night. About everything having to do with your dad. What did you mean?""Um, the Derek thing?""Yeah, you said he needed to be perfect or whatever. What does your dad have to do with it?"Amelia blinked, "He never told you, did he?""About the watch? Yes, he told me. And he told me about holding you. I know the story."Amelia stuffed her hands in her pocket, "Did he tell you that after the guys left, he was the one to check on my dad? He's the one who saw him dead on the floor with a pool of blood around his head."Ellis Grey had fallen on the floor with her two wrists sliced open."No, he never-""Dr. Grey, do you have a moment?" An intern called from the CT room."I can't really break the Shepherd sibling code," Amy quietly told her, "You're my sister. I trust you with my life but I-I owe it to Derek to let him tell you his version whenever he's ready."Amy and Derek had come a long way. And Amelia and Meredith had also come a long way. There had been days when they fought over Derek when he had a catastrophic accident. Meredith was his wife, she was the one to make necessary medical decisions. Amelia wanted to do every surgery she could think of-herself. When Derek had recovered, he tried everything to stay neutral. He was her husband. He was her brother. It wasn't easy. But when Derek sided with his wife on a case, all hell broke loose. Amelia felt betrayed and she had fallen off the wagon. She never truly forgave herself for ignoring the page that could've prevented Meredith from experiencing the most horrifying moment in her life. Watching her brother cry over her body and push her away had been devastating. But she needed to hit rock bottom.And things got better. Meredith had even kept her first sobriety chip after they came to some sort of truce in her sock drawer to remind her that they were sisters. All was forgiven.Meredith gulped, "What if he never is? What if he's never ready.""He will be. Your kids need their dad," Amelia shrugged, "He is working through that right now. It's like when you and Maggie found middle ground when you found out you were sisters. When we found middle ground.""He'll get there," Amelia smiled and walked away."What do we got?" Meredith asked as she tightened her hair in a low ponytail. Dressed back into her navy scrubs, she had decided that the office had seen enough of her. Or rather, she'd seen enough of it."Take a look," Dr. Millin pointed, "It's bad, right? ""Oh," Meredith sighed, "That's a lot of mets."Milin nodded, "Stage IV colorectal. She's from out of town and presented with abdominal pain. I thought it was a bowel obstruction.""It is but look," Meredith explained as she pointed to the scans, "See that? It's spread throughout her body. Whose with her?""Her husband," the young intern sighed, "He's such a nice old man. They're both so sweet."Meredith looked through the window and licked her lip as another intern helped her out of the CT machine, "They always are.""Suction, please," Derek quietly asked as he worked with concentration. The intern with him had been quiet. No questions. No small talk. Just a quiet observer who'd answer when quizzed on the procedure."Wipe that pout off your face," Derek chuckled under his mask, "You get it from your mom. Bailey has it too.""I'm not pouting, I'm focused," Lucas countered, "I thought you'd go for a big tumor on pro bono day.""I never do," Derek mumbled, "I always do aneurysms."Lucas furrowed his brow. His relative had a history and reputation for doing the impossible. It irked his aunts and his mother had called him a man with an overinflated ego."Aneurysms are deadly and too many are fatal," Derek whispered, "And even more don't have the financial means to get a proper treatment. That's why we do this. To help."Lucas nodded, "I get it."Derek could hear a sense of disappointment in his intern's voice. It was true, Derek had always been chasing big neuro cases. He looked to do the impossible. He ached to find cases that others limited themselves on so he could be the one to do it. And though many would think it was a way to inflate his ego, he just wanted to give people a chance. He wanted to rewrite others stories the way it was often rewritten for him. Except, he wanted to write them for the right reasons.He just hated that for a moment, he had lost sight of the fact that even the simpler things could rewrite a story.Derek sighed deeply before speaking again, "Sometimes we don't notice it Shep, but the smallest things make a difference. And if you take that advice throughout your career, I promise you'll be great."Meredith walked behind her intern as the reached the patients' room. She sat on the bed with her husband, watching a video on a phone."Oh," the elderly man chuckled, "We were watching some old videos. We used to ballroom dance all the time.""So how's it looking?" his wife asked hopefully."Uh, Irene, Norman, this is Dr. Grey," Jules nodded to her attending, "She'll be going over with you what we found."Meredith smiled as she stepped forward,"Irene," Meredith sighed, "Have you been having shortness of breath?"Norman looked to the intern, "You said it was a bowel obstruction."Millin blinked, "I-I did-""It's what's causing the pain," Meredith interrupted, "But the cancer has spread throughout the body."Irene's heart shattered, "Can you operate on anything?"Meredith shook her head. This was the hard part, "I'm so sorry. Your immune system would be compromised and I would not recommend it. I do not foresee a good prognosis if he operate."Irene looked to her husband and reached for his hand. He did his best to comfort her and pressed his lips on her head.Millin sniffed."Oh, sweetie," Irene chuckled, "The doctor's not supposed to cry.""I-I'm sorry. I just- it's allergies," Jules sniffed again."Dr. Millin will set you up with a consult with a palliative care team," Meredith nodded as she motioned to Jules, "Again, I am so sorry."Jules reached for the tablet Chief Grey offered and walked out of the room."Millin," Meredith called out.Jules turned around, "Chief?""We have stairs for crying," Meredith squeezed her shoulders, "We don't do it here and never in front of the patient. Our pain, our hurt is never bigger than theirs. Their pain should be the biggest thing in the room and we need to honor that."Jules nodded, "Sorry chief. It won't happen again.""Okay," Meredith nodded with a brief smile. She couldn't help but feel as if she had been the one to cut the string of life shorter. But the truth was that this is all we had. One chance. One chance to live happily, like Irene. With whoever one wanted. However one wanted.Lucas watched as the woman slowly opened her eyes. He smiled brightly with relief. Her vitals had plummeted for a moment and they were scared things had taken a turn for the worse."Am I going to be okay?" his patient asked, "Did the surgery work?""Mmhm," Derek softly answered with a smile, "Everything went well. Dr. Adams will be following up with neuro checks every hour but for now, you rest up."Her partner smiled, "She could barely handle the headaches. Our kids had to whisper around her and well you know how that goes.""I have three," Derek shook his head, "I know exactly how that goes. I'll be checking in soon."The pair of doctors walked out of the room. Lucas looked back and looked at his work. They had been successful in clipping the aneurysm. A simple routine procedure gave a renewed sense of hope to a family.This is why he became a surgeon. Hope."Is that what it feels like?" Lucas asked as they approached the nurses station, "I've scrubbed in on a few cool procedures but this was pretty freakin' cool too."Derek nodded with a satisfied grin, "It's the high right? Surgeon's high. I used to get it in the OR, now it happens when I see the look of relief on my patient's loved ones. It never gets old.""I want to get better," Lucas blurted with confidence, "I know I've been called slow but I want to get there. I want to get better.""And you will," Derek turned to him, "You'll get better, you'll see.""Hey uh, Adams," a young intern approached him. Simone Griffith had been one of the few- seemingly- friends he'd make. Everyone else was competition."Jules is on a case with Dr. Grey and she needs our help with something.Lucas stammered as he felt heat rush to his cheeks, "Uh, yeah, okay what is it?"Derek furrowed his brows. What the hell was Grey working on in the cafeteria?"It's for her patient's husband, can you come as soon as you're done?" Simone asked.The pair continued their conversation as Derek tried to hide the tug on his lips as he looked back down at his tablet. He'd never met any of Lucas' girlfriends. To him, Lucas was still the small squirt running around him begging him to try on the blue hat with the ferry boats on it. The one he used for surgery.As they wrapped up, Lucas walked back to him after a moment and nervously asked, "So neuro checks every hour right?""Yes and keep me posted," Derek inhaled deeply as he passed him the tablet, "When are you gonna ask her out?""What? What are you talking about?""Griffith. She's cute. She's nice. You like her. She seems to like you. When are you going to ask her out on a real date? Outside of this hospital."An awkward beat passed as Lucas shifted his weight. Lucas could tell him his truth or he could keep the boundary he so desperately wanted. But this was his uncle asking. A person- fatherlike figure he trusted so much. Someone he looked up to and someone who seemed to have all the answers. Even when he didn't.He pressed his lips together in a thin line, "I uh, I did. She turned me down.""What?" Derek turned to him with his mouth agape."It's complicated," Lucas shrugged, "An ex is involved and uh- It's complicated.""Your Aunt Mer and I were complicated," Derek thought back to his heyday, "Look how we turned out."A successful marriage. Successful careers. A dream home. Three overly chatty children. A seemingly ideal life."I'm gonna go check in on our patient," Lucas was about to make his way before stepping back, "Hey, um I know things between us are...better but uh, I don't think I'm ready to move back in. I-I don't want you to get your hopes up, I mean-"Derek turned to him, surprised at the comment. He had expected this but somewhere deep within him, he secretly hoped they could pick up where they left off.He listened attentively, "I uh, I think I need to stay with Aunt Amy and have some-""Boundaries. I get it," Derek nodded, "just uh, make sure everyone knows your related and not-"Sleeping together. Involved. All the awkward things everyone had once thought of them. It was gross."Yeah, but I like that we can talk again," Lucas chuckled uncomfortably, "And uh, I'll visit Bailey and the girls and-""Our home is always open," Derek squeezed his shoulder before grinning and turning back once more, "Oh, Shep?"Lucas turned. This was his uncle talking."Amy? She hates it when you call her that. Go with Aunt Amelia outside the hospital," Derek smiled, "She's Dr. Shepherd here."Lucas nodded. Amy was a name only her brother got away with. And on rare occasions, his Aunt Mer. It'd slipped out once or twice and each time, she scowled at Lucas but never verbally said anything.Derek walked towards the elevator. His home would always be open for his nephew. Even when he wanted to keep that door shut. His wife did teach him how to take in strays after all.Cafeteria. Something was happening in the cafeteria with one of his wife's patient. What it was, who knew? But he was about to leave and pick up their children and she needed to know otherwise she'd freak out again.When he reached his destination, the sight completely surprised him. Clearly, this set of interns was a hopeless, romantic sort because the five of them had set up the cafeteria as a ballroom. An elderly couple danced together- like it would be their last.He leaned against the door frame and smiled. He was a hopeless romantic who couldn't help himself but visualize the life that could be for himself and his wife.Zola, Bailey, and Ellis would grow to be incredible people. They'd be kind, respectful, hard-working, and honorable. And he'd support whatever they chose to do with their lives. Maybe Zola would truly become a neurosurgeon. She'd be incredible and would be immensely dedicated. Bailey was a wild card. He'd briefly mentioned being an orthopedic surgeon and then an athlete and then an archeologist. And Ellis? Right now, she had settled on being a chef. But with the way she always managed to convince everyone to bend at her will, maybe she'd be a lawyer. Or she'd be a doctor too. Who really knew?And Meredith? Years from now, they'd both be retired. Well he'd be retired, Meredith not so much. But they'd both be living their lives, travel a bit, enjoy an empty nest- later on of course, and they'd grow old together. And maybe if the cards were played in such a way, they'd see their grandchildren. He could see it now.A pair of green orbs stared at him from a distance. She'd been watching him since she first saw him step in. She could tell his mind had drifted far into the future. She'd been doing it for a while now, too. She smiled shyly as his blue eyes found her. As if he'd caught her doing something mischievous.Derek pushed himself off the frame and walked around the room to reach her."So this is what you pulled the interns for?" he whispered in her ear as he leaned against the chair behind her, "I'm pretty sure this isn't in their job description."Meredith smiled, "I didn't come up with it. They did. I didn't have the heart to say no and what can I say I'm a sucker for cheesy love stories.""Mmm," Derek hummed as he unabashedly wrapped his arms around her, "I always knew there was some bright and shiny under the dark and twisty."Meredith chuckled, "You know every time I get a case like this- with a couple like that- I always try to think about where we'd be when we get like that.""And what do you see?" he asked as the man twirled his wife."You, trying to pull the scalpel off my hands as I refuse to give it up," Meredith retorted. She could feel him shake with quiet laughter as he tried to suppress it, "I see us in our home, sitting out on the deck. You, with your curls all silver, fishing and cooking trout. The kids, living their happy lives. Maybe a few grandkids.""I like the sound of that," he whispered.Meredith pulled him closer as she continued to watch the elderly couple for another moment, "I want that Derek."For a moment, it was just the pair of them watching this couple that loved each other all their lives. They were the only ones in the room, making broad promises into the future."Want what?" Derek whispered as he pressed his lips against her hair. It was as if the rest of the hospital had disappeared for a moment."I want to live a long life," she whispered wistfully, "I want that with you."
To take care of each other when we're old, smelly, and senile.
Post-it promises were forever. Even if people laughed. The best thing they'd done, was revel in the promise of choosing each other and their family. Forever.Nothing made sense anymore. Zola stared out the window as her dad drove down the road. She could hear him and Bailey talk about whatever it was but her mind just wandered. She did this often. She somehow found a way to tune everything and everyone out and just-"Zo?" her dad's voice broke through, "Earth to Zozo. You okay?""Hmm? Oh, sorry, I was just thinking about…something," she shook her head as she tried to clear her mind, "What happened?""Dad says he can make mac'n'cheese and that mom would be late tonight," Bailey repeated, "You sure you're okay?"Zola nodded but her father could tell that she wasn't completely okay.Derek pulled up to the house and turned to the backseat, "Okay, you guys go in, we'll be right behind you."Bailey took the keys from his father's hand as both of the kids ran out of the car."You know what your mom and I did today?" he asked, "We watched an elderly couple dance in the cafeteria. She was her patient and the interns rallied to give her a last dance with her husband.""That's sweet," Zola muttered as she continued to stare down at her hands."Where'd that brilliant mind of yours go, princess?"Zola rolled her eyes, "Can you stop saying that?""Saying what?" Derek asked, surprised. Sometimes her mannerisms were very much like her mother's and his responses were instinctual."That I'm smart. Or brilliant. Or gifted. Or whatever.""Zola-""Everyone thinks I'm some sort of freak. I don't want to be reminded of it all the time," she leaned back onto the car seat, "Even if you and mom think you lucked out or something it's caused a lot of problems.""It's not your fault, princess," he reached to rub her shoulder, "Your mom and I thought we were doing the right thing by keeping this from your brother and sister and we were wrong. You are the kid. We are the parents."Zola stared at the phone in her hands as she twisted it one way and another. Her anxiety could be loud and sometimes it could be quiet. So quiet, he wasn't always aware of how quick her mind wandered.Derek watched her helplessly, "Zo, I know you don't want to talk about it, but I really do think we need to revisit that conversation about scouting schools.""What if it's not enough?" Zola turned to look at him, "What if moving schools isn't enough and I still have anxiety?""Zo, anxiety doesn't just go away with one solution," he tried to reason, "We have to work through things to try to manage it. This was one suggestion we were given.""That's my point," she insisted, "What if I don't? What if I don't manage it?""What if we do?" he asked back. He refused to give up on helping his daughter. He refused to give in to the darkness and to let her sink in it any further.Zola fidgeted with her fingers, "Today at school, we talked about our biggest fears. It was some sort of project for health. All I could think of was you and mom in the hospital. Not working but-""Mom is fine," he whispered, "I'm here. We are both living and breathing.""I know," She shook her head, "But sometimes"She took a breath to collect her thoughts. A moment to rethink what she wanted to express what seemed impossible to."I think that we're, like, cursed or something." she blinked, "So much has happened it's like we're just destined to suffer or something."Derek exhaled. As a father- a husband- he wanted to protect those children. Shield them from the darkness that seemed to always envelope them. And give them a chance to live the bright happy life he and his wife were robbed from as children. And he knew Meredith wanted the same."Zo," he tenderly reached her shoulder again, "I promise you, I will do everything I can to help you feel- all of this- less. I promise you.""Is Daddy putting you to bed?" Meredith sighed as she stared into the phone. She suppressed a yawn as her youngest excitedly told her all about dinner while she leaned against the medicine cabinet in the almost empty hallway. Her hair was still braided up from the surgeries she'd scrubbed in earlier. She'd talked to the other two who gave her a run down of school and dinner."Soon," Ellis smiled, "-ish. Can I stay up to wait for you?"She wanted to blurt out yes. She wanted to fulfill Ellis' every wish given all the pain she'd felt in the last few weeks. But her health came first. And her temper. And to keep those two in check, she needed sleep.Meredith smiled, "No, Ellie-Belle, I may be home a little too late today. You have school tomorrow, baby girl.""Oh," Ellis pouted, "Okay."Meredith couldn't help the tug in her chest. There it was, the disappointment she was avoiding."But I'll be there for breakfast," she tried, "And Daddy can make us chocolate chip pancakes. Maybe he'll even make us waffles."Meredith wiggled her brows as she watched her daughter giggle behind the screen,"I can work on it. I'll get him to do it."Ellis said jump, Derek asked how high."Okay," Meredith smiled at the blonde little girl, "Go give the phone to Dad please. And go to sleep."Meredith watched as the little girl ran down the hall. Her blonde wet tresses bounced as she made her way to the living room. In the background she could hear her tell her father that momma wanted to talk to him. He reminded her to wear her slippers- the floor was cold and she had just showered- and to get ready for bed. Fifteen more minutes she asked. He offered five. She went for ten, she was great at negotiating. It was a deal. But Meredith knew better, she'd get fifteen one way or another."It's your fault I do what she says. You've corrupted our child," he turned to her as he leaned against the kitchen counter, "How'd the rest of your day go?""I'm exhausted," she sighed, "But Karev should finish soon and year two of pro bonos is in the books."She smiled brightly. Derek had always known she'd be a great chief. Even when he refused to subject her to the job, he knew she was right for it. He also knew that she was ready for more. Ready for what could be. Outside Grey Sloan. But this was a perfect fit. She was respected and admired."Congrats, Dr. Grey," he smiled proudly.Meredith yawned again."You should stay at the house with Amy," Derek sighed as he quickly glanced up to look at the dark skies, "Or stay in an on-call room. Get some sleep. It's late for you to drive. I don't like you driving late""Derek, I just promised our daughter I'd be there for breakfast," she refuted, "I'll just grab some coffee on my way home and-""Mer-""I'm fine to drive, I promise," she insisted, "I don't want to stay out here. I've been daydreaming about my bed. My warm, cozy bed with those big fluffy pillows on it.""Oh really," he smirked, "Anything else you day dreamed about in that bed?"Meredith smirked as she knew the answer he was looking for, "Cozy blankets."Derek laughed, "Okay, well let me know if you change your mind. I'll wait up.""Don't stay up too late please. I love you, and I'm grateful you want to stay up but you need to sleep." She shook her head fully knowing he would not listen."I don't sleep well alone," he shook his head."Imagine how I felt when you were at the bar with Lucas last night," Meredith teased as she moved from where she was standing and made her way to the hall.Derek laughed, "Touché. You got me there.""You were wide open," Meredith smiled, "I'm happy things are better between the two of you.""Me too," he nodded."Don't let Ellis sleep too late. Send her to bed. Now.""Can't hear you, line's cutting out. Don't fall asleep in the office. Love you," his voice mimicked static as the screen went black. She rolled her eyes as she stopped near the room of a patient of hers."Irene," Meredith sighed, "Are you feeling okay? How's the pain?""I'm okay. I'm waiting for Norman.""Did he go back to the-""No, no he's just outside calling the kids.""You have kids?""Three." Irene smiled, "What about you? Surely you must have children although I don't see a wedding ring on your finger."Meredith chuckled. Irene was a traditional woman of her time, "I do. I have three. And their dad is my husband.""Oh tell me about them.""My kids?" Meredith asked as she watched Irene enthusiastically nod, "Well, they're bold. Bright. Kind. Intelligent. Brilliant. The greatest gift my husband and I have given each other."And they were. And she loved talking about them, even to a complete stranger.Irene smiled, "They grow up in the blink of an eye don't they?""Mm," Meredith hummed, "I feel like I was just holding them in my arms yesterday.""Wait until you have grandkids," Irene muttered as she raised her life, "I have seven."Meredith smiled as Irene sighed with content, "Oh, it's been a long life. I've lived a very long, happy life."Meredith stood at the edge of the bed as she adjusted the oxygen, "I'm so sorry we can't do anything more, Irene.""Oh, no," Irene chuckled softly, "Wipe that look off your face. Don't be so sad.""I've lived a long, happy, life," Irene smiled, "With a lot of ups and downs. I lived through a lot. And I'm ending it with a wonderful partner. This life has never stopped surprising me."Meredith smiled as she tried to hold back her tears."Is your life like that?" Irene breathily asked, "Filled with love and so much happiness?""Your momma says it's time for bed," Derek walked into the bedroom prepared to put his daughter to bed only to be greeted with imploring green eyes."Five more minutes," She moved to kneel on her bed and pressed both palms together, "Please.'"No. Bed. Now," he shook his head. Ellis dramatically fell on the bed as he released a chuckle, "I swear, your mother probably has cameras watching our every move."Ellis giggled as he tucked her in."Comfy?""Mmhm," she nodded, "Daddy?""Yes baby girl?" He sat at the edge of the bed as each of his palms rested on each of her sides."I'm sorry I was mean to everyone. I know I hurt everyone's feelings."He sighed as his eight-year-old slowly shattered his head, "Sometimes we say things we don't mean. And sometimes things just come out. I know that happened.""Everyone at school thinks I'm mean now," Ellis quietly whispered, "I don't mean to be like that. I don't like being mean.""You're not mean," he gently pushed her hair back, "You made mistakes because you were mad. And your anger was directed at the wrong people. What are you gonna do to fix it?"She twisted her mouth before reaching to the drawer in the nightstand. She pulled out some cards filled with hearts and flowers, "I made these. I'm gonna give them to everyone I was mean to.""I think that's a good idea," Derek smiled, "Is there one for Zo and B?"Ellis grinned, "And you. And momma.""Ah," he smirked, "Can I have mine now."Ellis pondered his request before shuffling through the makeshift cards, "You can't read it in front of me."He smiled at the blue construction paper in his hand, "Okay."She slammed back onto her pillow and reached for the blankets. Derek helped her tuck back in before reaching down and kissing her forehead- just like he'd done many times before, "Sweet dreams, baby girl. I love you.""Love you,too," she whispered as a yawn escaped her, "Momma said she's coming for breakfast."Ellis Grey succumbed to a deep sleep with a little grin pulling at the edge of her mouth."Yeah," he whispered as he closed the door, "She'll be back for breakfast."As he walked down the hallway, he stopped at the first bedroom and stood at the door. Bailey really was his son. He splattered all over his bed, face down, as soft snores escaped him. That was inherited from his mother. Derek shook his head and gently closed the door. His next stop was his oldest, who'd fallen asleep with a book in her hands. Mind Your Head. His daughter had somehow grown out of fiction books and was now reading books and articles about brains and heart valves and mental health.She was looking for answers. She was always looking for answers. He gently pried the book off her hands and placed the previously tossed bookmark in it's place. As he set it down on her nightstand, she settled on her side.His kids were growing up. His kids needed him. And he needed them. He just needed to be enough. Even if it didn't always feel like he was.He stepped into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed. The card on his hand was meticulously drawn with a blue ferry boat in the front. Clouds graced the hand drawn sky and the water seemed as blue as ever.
Dear Daddy,
Sorry I was mean. I hope you forgive me because you are the best daddy ever. I love you forever.
Love,
Elly Belly.
P.S. I love my tree house. Even if it's not finished.
He laughed. He hadn't called her that since she'd started school. Meredith had shortened it to Ellie Belle and that was that. He reread the letter again. She'd gotten everything right down to the apostrophes and punctuation.He looked at the drawing at the bottom. A treehouse-incomplete- was drawn as five figures stood next to it holding hands.This was going straight to the office alongside the dozen taped to the wall on the side of his desk.His phone chirped in his pocket.I'll make it for breakfast. I promise.And just like that, he knew he'd be sleeping alone for the night.Meredith looked up at the flatline, "Time of death: 11:34."She ripped her gloves off and bit her lip tightly, the tang of defeat was a fresh taste in her mouth and she despised it."Anyone know where her husband is?" She looked up at Nurse Linda."I saw him in the waiting room on the phone," the nurse gulped.Meredith swallowed a lump and made her way out of the room. Her shoulders slumped as she took a few steps out of the room. Losing a patient was hard. It was an inexplicable pain that only surgeons understood. No one in medical school prepared you to be the one to tell a spouse they were now widowed or to tell a child they were orphaned. And it never got any easier."Oh Dr. Grey," Norman's voice stopped her in her tracks. She looked up to see the hopeful old man look back at her, "My Irene, how's she doing? I was just telling our son he should make his way up here."He stuffed the old phone in his pocket as Meredith placed a hand on his shoulder, "Norman."The elderly man looked up. He instantly recognized the tone."No," he whispered, "No. Not my Irene. Not so soon."Meredith blinked, "I am so sorry. We did everything we could possibly do but she went into cardiac arrest. And we could not revive her.""Oh," Norman muttered as he reached to lean against the wall."Norman, are you okay? Do you need-""Can I see her?Meredith nodded before walking him to say farewell to his partner. The partner who danced with him until she no longer could.Who had lived a life full of love and happiness."She promised," Ellis stared at the front door as she gripped the card in her hand."She's probably stuck in traffic," Zola tried."Or she's on her way," Bailey shrugged."I just said that!" Zola scoffed.Her brother shrugged as their father looked from behind the kitchen bar, "Elllis it's getting cold, c'mon eat your breakfast.""But she promised!" Ellis furrowed her brows, "Momma promised she'd have breakfast with us. You even made waffles!""She did text late last night saying she had to scrub in on an emergency surgery," he tried to reason, "She tried Ellie. I promise."Ellis stared at the door for a moment before carelessly throwing the card on the couch, "Fine!"She stomped away to her room. The door slammed loudly and echoed through the house."Woah," Zola looked up to her father. He'd made waffles that morning. He'd given them a heads up. Momma would be late. They probably wouldn't even catch her before school but they'd both be home for the rest of the day.He sighed heavily, "Grab your stuff guys, we're late for school."Meredith drove down the road with a sense of urgency. She'd slept less than a handful of hours but didn't care because she had promised her daughter they'd have breakfast. Waffles. She promised waffles together. She looked at the time on the screen. It was past 8 and she wouldn't make it. But she had to try. She had to try.Meredith Grey was a successful, grown, independent woman. Even if she was married and had children, she was all of these things. She'd made a choice long ago to pursue a powerful career. And along the way, she found someone she loved. It'd been a long journey between the two but eventually she knew she wanted more out of what they planted. She chose to accept more and opened herself up to a child. And even though heartbreak followed, so did three beautiful children. She was determined to let them see her as a proactive person who tried to have everything she wanted, even if it wasn't easy. And lately it was anything but.She quickly parked the car in the driveway and felt her heart drop as she saw her husband's own Cayenne missing. Still, she ran off the car, unlocked the door and looked around as she panted heavily.She missed it. They'd gone. She'd comforted the spouse of a patient, assisted in a complicated procedure, and saved a life all in one night but missed breakfast.Dammit.She threw her bag and sighed heavily as she trudged to the couch. A red construction paper folded in half caught her attention. She picked it up and instantly recognized the artist who drew the moon, a blonde figure and a smaller one next to it.The door opened to reveal Derek who shook his head when their eyes met."I missed breakfast," Meredith quickly blurted, "And I lost a patient. And Karev needed me to scrub in and Owen and I scrubbed in on a trauma. I got busy and I didn't mean to"He lifted a hand and closed the door, "Meredith, I know that. I know the job. I get it, we're both surgeons. I know, I know you tried.""Is she mad? Did she cry? How upset is she?" she rambled.Derek removed his coat and hung it on the rack behind him. He shook his head, "She's pretty upset. She was waiting for you at the door. Holding that in her hand.""Derek I didn't skip breakfast," she insisted, "I lost Irene. Karev had a complication. An MVC came in and I was the only general surgeon on call!""I get that. I do. I do because I'm an adult. I know your job is tough. I don't blame you. You don't need to explain yourself to me," he raised both hands, "But she is eight. She doesn't get it. Not yet. The other two know our jobs very well but this little one is still learning. And she's caught us at a time where we're both at a high in our career. I know you tried."There was no anger, no malice, no disappointment in his eyes. Only the look of a tired father who dealt with a stubborn, angry daughter."And I don't want to add more to your plate but we need to talk about Zola," Derek sighed as he walked towards her at the couch, "I know your tired but-"Meredith slouched on the couch next to him, "Did she have another panic attack?"Derek shook his head as he adjusted himself. He tucked one leg under the other and turned to face her, "We need to book those tours. She needs- she deserves the chance to find somewhere where she doesn't feel like the worst is following her everywhere."Meredith sighed, "She told you the cursed thing?"Derek nodded. It didn't surprise him that Meredith already knew. She was her confidant."Yeah," Derek whispered, "And honestly, I get why she's saying that. Accidents, bombs, planes, all of it's been hell.""Not all of it," Meredith breathily whispered, "This place has also given us a lot of good.""Yes," He rubbed his face to look at her. Of course it'd given them a lot. They were standing right on top of it all, "But is it enough for our daughter who hasn't even started living her own life?"Meredith swallowed. It wasn't just her life. It was Bailey and Ellis too. Their lives hadn't fully started."We owe it to them to carve a path where they will thrive," he quietly said, "We've put them through enough."Meredith nodded. They deserved that and more. So much more."I'll call Brookline. I liked what I saw on their site, it seemed good," she whispered, "And I'll call the school in New York too. There's one I thought seemed good. It's in the city."Derek rubbed his forehead as he watched her pace, "You okay?""She hates me," Meredith whispered as tears threatened to spill, "Ellis is my big karmic payback for being a ter-""No. Meredith, stop," he sat straighter, "I need you to stop saying that because you are not a terrible mother. And Ellis does not hate you.""She was expecting me. I promised her and I broke a promise," Meredith folded her hands together- careful not to fold the construction paper in her hand, "I told myself I wouldn't do this again.""You're not. You never have," he insisted as he motioned to the card in her hands, "Read the card. Read the card and remind yourself that even though she's upset right now, she adores you. And she always will."She turned her attention to the construction paper in her hands and looked at the drawing again. She opened it and read the words under the stars and moon she drew.
Momma,
I love you to the moon over and over and over again. I"m sorry I was mean to you. I promise to do better. Forever.
Love you to the moon and back over and over and over again,
Ellie-Belle
Meredith sighed as she slowly made her way to lay in her husband's arms. She rested her head against his bicep and melted against his chest. His arms wrapped around her and shielded her from her treacherous thoughts. And just like her daughter, she quietly promised herself she'd do better too.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"Dr. Grey?"
She could hear a voice. She just didn't want to wake up.
"Dr. Grey? Can you hear me?""Is she waking up?"
That voice. That one could make her shoot her eyes open. But she was exhausted.
"Anesthesia is wearing off," the shrill voice answered, "She should be awake soon. Dr. Grey? Dr. Grey? Your husband's here."
Meredith couldn't help it anymore, she fluttered her eyes open and was greeted by a pair of sky blue eyes.
"Hey," Derek whispered as he walked towards her and sat on the bed, "How are you feeling?""Like someone sliced me open again," she retorted as she grimaced. She closed her eyes as the door closed, giving the pair some much needed privacy, "I had a baby.""I know," Derek swallowed a lump and pressed a kiss to her forehead. Relief washing over him."Did you see her? Where is she? Where is-"
Derek gently pushed her back, "Shhh, shh, sh, don't get up. You just had surgery and it was the scariest hours of my life. Please stay still."
"Where's my- where's my daughter," she shook her head as she suddenly remembered the terrifying hours she had just gone through. A placental abruption. She remembered hearing that there was a chance the baby wasn't receiving enough oxygen. And then not much."Mer," Derek whispered, "I saw her. She's in the nursery. I saw her."
Meredith froze. Her mouth slowly contorted into a smile, "You did? How is she? Is she okay?"
"She's beautiful," he smiled, "She's this button little nose, ten little fingers and ten little toes. She's fully intact. She opened her eyes and I have a feeling those eyes are gonna be green in a few days. Just like her mom."
Meredith sighed, "We had another baby."
"We did," Derek chuckled as she slowly succumbed to the tiredness once more."We're really outnumbered this time aren't we?""Yeah," Derek chuckled, "We kinda are."
He reached for her hand as they both laughed.
"Has Zola seen her? How is she doing? What about Bailey? Zozo saw me in the kitchen-"
Derek nodded as he tried to calm her once again, "She is in the waiting room with Maggie and Amy. Bailey is asleep. They're okay, I promise."
Her mind always wandered to their children- her children as she once yelled at him. Now they had three. Three beautiful children who would be so endlessly loved by the both of them. They'd have both their parents and be smothered with so much love.
The door opened as a nurse walked in with a small clear acrylic cart.
"Dr. Grey? Dr. Shepherd?" The nurse carried a small bundle covered in pink and white blankets fussing and slightly whimpered declaring her presence, "Someone came to say hi."Before he left the hospital, they'd made plans to spend the day together. It was a rare occasion where the pair had a weekday off. One where it'd be just the two of them and the kids would be at school. They'd mentioned breakfast, drop-offs, a hike on Tiger Mountain Trail, lunch at the diner they both liked or take-out at home. Quality time between the pair.Instead, she'd fallen asleep on the couch. At least that's what it appeared to be. He must've slipped away sometime after because she was wrapped in a warm afghan that was often left behind on the couch. She could hear the pounding of a hammer on the nails coming from the outside and some faint 80s rock band playing in the background.Meredith sat up and stared ahead. She rubbed her eyes until they landed on a card on the coffee table. Right. She had missed breakfast and broke the little girl that was often called her clone. The pounding began again and she turned to see what the commotion was about.Derek could be seen outside hammering away at the wood he'd gotten for their daughter's treehouse. She wrapped the afghan around her and walked out to meet him."If you're gonna go with the 80s you can at least go with the Go-Go's. Eurythmics? Duran Duran? Y'know, something with taste," she teased as she approached him.He turned and chuckled as he reached to shut off the speaker he'd taken out, "Nobody hates the Ramones except you. And this was '76. "She rolled her eyes. Details, details. She didn't mind them but seeing the look of annoyance on his face was always worth it. The kids had- to her misfortune- acquired his taste. Or force fed his taste in music. She hadn't decided which was worse. But watching Ellis sing from the top of her tiny lungs in the back of the car was so worth putting up with his questionable taste."How long did you let me sleep?" she inhaled as she pulled the afghan tighter."Couple hours? It's half past twelve now," he figured as he turned back to throw the hammer with the rest of the tools."You let me sleep that long?!" her eyes bulged out as she counted back, "We had plans!""You had a long night and a hefty morning," He shrugged, "And technically nothing was cemented."She shook her head, "What would I do without you?""Many things," he smirked, "You'd do many things you just wouldn't have as much fun."She laughed. Genuinely.Many years ago, she'd come to terms that Derek Shepherd would never be her best friend. He'd never be her person.But he'd be her partner. And in many ways, that was more than a best friend or a person because together, they had built a life. A life she'd often mocked and resented for many years. But now, she could look at it from afar and be glad that they'd chosen each other. Even if it took them a few falls and trips to get there."Are you building the house for Ellie?""I am," he nodded as he turned back, "Deck's done and bracket's are secure so if she ever runs back up at least it's safe. But now I want to use those branches for the railing system. I want a top rail and balusters, I think she'll like that."Meredith bit her lip as she stared at him clueless, "I have no idea what you're talking about but knowing her, she'll love it."He laughed as he tossed a pencil at the table he was working on, "You want to grab lunch? Kids won't be out for a while, we can pick them up."The little diner he had promised wasn't too far off. It was also kind of empty at this time of day with little to no customers. They'd settled on coffee and a shared slice of pie. She wasn't hungry but he insisted that she have something fully knowing she hadn't had any food since the night before.He laughed a little as he cut in half the final bite. It was a rare occurrence for the pair to be on their own for such a long time. Between the hospital and the kids, their dates like these had decreased. They'd tried after they'd settled back in Seattle for good, but their children were growing and their needs were too."What?" Meredith tilted her head, "Why are you laughing?"Derek shook his head as he leaned back, "We went from dates in the OR to sneaking off a few minutes before we get the kids from school."Meredith laughed as she bit into the last piece he'd left for her, "I miss our OR dates.""You do?"Meredith nodded, "I miss the OR. I mean I'm happy being chief, I actually enjoy it but sometimes I just need to step in the OR and cut.""That's why I hated it," he agreed as he sipped his coffee, "You seem to be managing it well though. You've been good at delegating and everyone respects you.""I'm managing the hospital well," Meredith muttered as her gaze fell down to an empty plate, "Everything else is not well managed, Derek."Everything being her children. Her son and her two daughters who had been fighting with each other over decisions that were never properly made. Her eldest, whose panic attacks had worsened over the past year. Her only son who had been in a car accident and needed emergency surgery. And her youngest who felt alone and abandoned. All of it had made her doubt any confidence she felt in balancing the many plates she juggled. And a bruise to her confidence was a bruise to her ego. It made her feel useless and all the fears she'd suppressed had surfaced back up again."Meredith," Derek gently pushed."It wasn't like this with Zo," she sighed as she looked up to him, "She always got it. She always knew that momma worked and she was fine about it. I'd be stuck at the hospital and she was fine."That was true. Zola had wholeheartedly understood that her mother was a surgeon. A very important surgeon with a talent at saving people's lives. She was an empathetic little creature at such an early age."And Bailey was always busy- you kept him busy. You said his temper needed to be in check after the tantrums he used to throw in daycare so we put him in every sport so he barely felt it," Meredith sighed.Derek adjusted himself on the booth and leaned his arm over the back. He watched her battle with her feelings. The turmoil inside was something he couldn't remove. Not with words, not with surgery. That turmoil inside her was never ending."And Bailey loves being busy, he's going nuts in that house doing absolutely nothing," Meredith continued.He was close to being in the clear. So close but Alex was playing it as safe as possible and both parents were thankful to him for that."Ellis quit dance and flat out said 'No thanks' when you suggested soccer or softball so she wasn't busy. She's always been home or expected us home," Meredith shrugged.Derek laughed. She'd loved the idea of dance class but she hated the discipline that came with it. She was a completely free spirit and no one could tie her down.Each of their children had a different experience with their career. Each of them had a different reaction to the craziness that their parents' jobs were. And slowly, that understanding they once had began to unravel into panic attacks, fist fights, and tantrums."Zola had me at home for a while after the accident. Bailey didn't even have a chance to miss us because we kept him busy," he shrugged, "Ellis-"Meredith's head snapped, "Are you seriously about to say I should slow down? Because that's what it's starting-""I know better than that," he straightened up, "I know what your career means to you Meredith because I know you and I helped train you. And I know that if I even think about suggesting otherwise, I will have divorce papers served and you'll take the kids and run off with some idiot."She raised her brow unamused at the smirk he threw at her, "I don't need an idiot to run off to. I can run off by myself."Derek laughed before he leaned forward on the table. His eyes locked onto hers as his gaze softened."They're good kids. The three of them. They're such good kids because their entire lives, they've seen you do good," He whispered, "She's just-"He inhaled through his teeth, "-Feeling. She's strong. But when that little girl feels, she feels with every little inch in her body. And she's stubborn. Just like her mother.""She's not-!" She glared at him with a furrowed brow, "Okay, she is stubborn like me. She's a lot like me."Meredith sighed as she sunk further down into her side of the booth. Derek watched her as she pouted."You said she was like you," he quietly recalled as his blue eyes searched hers, "When she hid in the treehouse, you said that you ran and hid from all your feelings just like she did."Meredith raised a brow as he repeated the whispers she had shared with him the night Ellis had climbed up the tree into the unstable foundation of a treehouse he had just completed. She saw a lot of her younger self in that little girl. And so much of her was nothing like her. Meredith had worked to maintain her innocence, to shield her from the cruelties the world had to offer. She had failed Zola the minute the first panic attack happened. And Bailey had just experienced one of the cruelest obstacles."When I was a kid, I thought what my mother did was amazing," she sighed, "I thought that being a surgeon was incredible and I knew that she was… who she was. But I hated that she put that over me."The chattering in the diner seemed to dim. Her voice was slightly raised, slightly bitter, hurt by the years of emotional abuse that came with being Ellis Grey's daughter. Derek watched as she bit on her lip and tortured the skin around her fingernails."I mean it'd be different if she actually…" Meredith inhaled, "If she had to choose, I know she would've chosen surgery. Because she never gave me anything to think otherwise."Derek listened. No words came out as her words echoed in his head. Ellis Grey was a force to be reckoned with. A surgical legend that everyone admired. And he included himself in that list of admirers until he fell in love with her daughter and had witnessed how she couldn't see the extraordinary Meredith was."And when Maggie's mom died, I kept thinking about mine. What she took and what she gave," Meredith closed her eyes and slightly shook her head, "She took Maggie away from me and Thatcher and Lexie. But she gave me a gift to heal and I get to do that. I get to send people home with a second chance-""Yeah, you do," Derek understood that feeling more than anyone. When he'd been on the table years ago, he went over the procedure step by step. The way his wife would do it. He's sat in the gallery countless times as her hands fixed and cut all to send home a patient with their family."And Maggie's mom talked about her wanting Mags to have siblings," Meredith swallowed, "Ours have two each and they're at each other's throats every other day lately.""They get that from me," Derek exhaled deeply, "And Amy and the other three."Meredith chuckled. They were hard headed like Shepherds who fought until the bitter end."That day Bailey and Zola were yelling at each other," he sighed as he rubbed his forehead, "It was like watching Amy and I all those years ago."Meredith watched as he had his own moment of reflection, "I could hear my dad's voice yell in my ear 'Derek Christopher Shepherd stop fighting with your sister. It's your job to protect her. If you don't do it who will?'"Meredith watched as he toyed with a packet of sugar, he bent the packet at the corners until he tossed it to the side and looked up. He shrugged, "First time I had thought about him in that way since- well since Ellis was born."Unfinished conversations. Unfinished advice. Memories that seemed to fade away as the years went by. All things they both had and yet never shared."There was a napkin she had written on. Ellis- my mother not your daughter. I found it after I returned from Europe when her Alzheimer's worsened. 'Tell Meredith…' something. It was blank, it was empty. She never finished it."Derek tilted his head as the napkin piqued his interest."What she wanted to tell me, I have no idea but if I could go back, I would want to know. I would want to ask her if she ever thought about mending things between us."A part of Meredith Grey would always live in that world of wondering. A world of never ending questions because a relationship between a mother and daughter was brutally difficult. And hers was filled with difficulties, arguments, and fighting matches."I am left with a complicated, tangled relationship with my mother and I don't want that for my daughters," she swallowed the lump in her throat, "I don't want that for Ellie. I don't want her to feel that I would choose surgery over her because I-I-"Derek leaned forward and sighed, "You'd choose love. In the choice between surgery and love, you would choose our kids."An old conversation where both had shown some of their darkest colors. She blinked back tears because she knew he was right.In a fight between surgery and her children, her children would always win. No matter the cost. She would always do the right thing by them even if it cost her. She refused to make the same mistakes Ellis Grey made with her."You'd always choose our kids."Meredith blinked as her fingers danced along the edges of her table, "Do you wish you could go back sometimes? To talk to your dad?"She didn't miss the slight reaction she got from him. His face twitched slightly and a knot had formed at the base of his throat. His hands gripped at nothing as they slowly became fists. And the twinkle that was always found in his eyes had dimmed."All the time."Ellis kicked a small rock as she walked towards the gate. Her teacher had dismissed her claiming she'd seen her parents waiting but even she knew her teacher was lying. It was her dad only. Or maybe even Erin. Not her mom. Mom had missed breakfast even after she had promised waffles."You're gonna hurt somebody if you kick that rock any harder," a voice called to her, "You might even kick it at me."Ellis' head snapped up in disbelief. Her mom stood at the gate with her hands in her pocket and a smile on her face. For a brief second, she was happy. So happy she wanted to run into her arms and hold her so tightly."You broke a promise," Ellis crinkled her brows together, "You didn't come home for breakfast.""I know," Meredith promised, "I told you I would be home by breakfast and I wasn't. It's okay to be upset about it."Ellis kicked the rock again, this time hitting a different direction far from her mother."I am upset," Ellis pouted.The kids continued to walk past them and a mom or two turned to look at her. Dr. Grey was rarely at any school function. Everyone knew she was too busy. And those judgmental stay at home mothers couldn't understand that she could do both; be a mother and a doctor. Even if it came with sacrifices."Okay," Meredith sighed. Clearly, she wouldn't be forgiven soon, "Well Daddy's in the car. And I convinced him to make us waffles for dinner."Ellis said nothing but a small smile began to creep up her face. She gripped her backpack a little tighter by the straps."And he said he'd make them only if his favorite chef helped him," Meredith grinned fully knowing that it would work.Ellis Carolyn was a daddy's girl after all."Already?" Zola blinked as she looked up to her father."Mmhm," Derek nodded as he passed her a spoon and placed the ice cream bin in the middle of the pair, "Your mom emailed them earlier and got confirmation dates for both. We fly out to New York next week."Zola dipped her spoon in the chocolate ice cream and placed it in her mouth, "Have you told Bailey? He's gonna be upset.""Maybe," Derek shrugged, "Maybe not. We haven't told him but we are. Soon."It didn't sit well with her, "Dad, you didn't want to leave to Minnesota last year. You and mom fought a lot about it. And then you changed your mind and said you were okay with it and then she changed her mind."Derek shook his head. There were many regrets he had in life but the greatest one had to be that Zola had heard their argument outside their house. Tensions were at an all time high. He and Meredith had been fighting and the bomb finally exploded. He had stayed in the trailer until Meredith told him that Zola had heard. Everything. It was too much for a child."Your mom and I are uh," he dropped his spoon and looked her in the eyes, "Zola I'm sorry you had to hear-""I know," Zola pressed her lips in a tight line, "You apologized that day. And you and mom don't fight like that anymore. I get it."He nodded. Zola was wise beyond her years. A wisdom he never had at such an age and an understanding that adults were human too. Riddled with mistakes and little room to grow."Minnesota and D.C. were options that weren't right for us. We uh, we had our jobs in mind when our focus should've been on you three." '"Exactly," Zola shrugged, "It's not fair-""What's not fair?" Meredith walked into the kitchen and gaped at the scene, "Why are you two hiding in here having ice cream?"Zola giggled, "Ice cream talk Mom.""Yeah," Derek shrugged as if it was nothing out of the ordinary, "It's a Dad and Zola thing."Meredith rolled her eyes at him and stuck her tongue playfully at her daughter. The pair had always been close. They'd always had a bond that was seemingly unbreakable. She adored her father and he adored her. Clearly Zola was always meant to be his daughter. He knew it the second she was in his arms all those years ago.Zola giggled, "Mom, Dad was telling me about the schools.""Oh," Meredith made her way to the drawer and grabbed a spoon of her own. She looked into the bin and frowned. Chocolate was not a favorite of hers, "Well, we knew it had to happen. We just needed to set a date."She ate only a bit of ice cream in the spoon and threw it in the sink. Small footsteps raced down the hallway and into the kitchen."I knew it!" Bailey yelled, "Ellis! They are in here!"His jaw dropped at the sight, "And they're eating ice cream!"Another pair of footsteps ran down the halls as Ellis made her own appearance. She gasped, "That's not fair!"Both children had been a miracle and Meredith had been convinced they had been unsuccessful at getting pregnant before because Zola was meant to be in their lives. At least she believed that now. Years ago, she'd have a perfectly logical explanation. Now, she could care less. All she knew was that she was promised babies and she had them.Both blonde children were clad in pajamas, ready for bed. Their blue and green eyes sparkled in feigned anger.Meredith giggled, "If it helps, I caught the two of them about a minute ago."Derek dropped his head before smiling at them, "Hop on up, we have to talk to you."Meredith reached for spoons as her husband reached for another ice cream bin. Overly sugared little children were a nightmare. Overly sugared little Grey Shepherds were probably worse. But the news that they would be going forward with something they feared was the absolute worst. The parents hated disappointing their children. But what do you do when one of your children is in desperate need of what the others fear?Both parents glanced at each other before Derek spoke, "Okay the last time you heard about the maybe-possibly-could-or-could-not be happening moving thing, was not right.""So we're gonna try again," Meredith smiled gently, "Your sister needs more support. Not just from us."Bailey furrowed his brow and tilted his head. He quickly glanced at his older sister who played with her spoon, "What does that mean?""It means that we're helping Zola find a school that helps her with what she needs," Derek sighed."And some of those schools are not in Seattle," Meredith softly added. Their reaction was something she feared, "One school is in New York and the other is in Boston."Zola fidgeted in her seat. Derek watched as the stool she sat on shook. If Derek looked, he'd see she was moving her foot. Quickly. An anxious tick she'd developed over the last months. It was a small change. Little movements and little things that no one would've noticed. To some it was normal. And sometimes those ticks were silent.Derek reached to gently squeeze her shoulder. I got you he seemed to say as she looked up at him. She smiled, but the fidgeting continued.Ellis sighed, "Are we moving now?""No," Meredith shook her head, "No one has made any choices. We are just…opening our options."She had expected fireworks and yelling. Screaming and blaming like all those days ago when they pointed fingers and threw the blame at one another. Funny how the outright truth of things could sometimes change the perspective of a growing child."Mmhm," Derek nodded, "And when we do make a choice, you'll be the first to know. Okay?"The three siblings looked at each other, "Okay.""Zo?" Bailey turned to his sister, "It's gonna be okay. We promise."Ellis smiled at her big sister before digging back into the ice-cream.Zola grinned back. The fidgeting stopped."I think we can call that a parenting win," Derek proudly announced as he stood at the frame of the bathroom door."Ice cream, Derek?" she turned from the sink, "That's what you and Zo were doing, you health nut?""It's a daddy/daughter thing," Derek snickered proudly as he moved to grab his own toothbrush, "It started last year when she started asking questions about her birth parents. Big conversations happen over ice cream."He noticed through the mirror how she slightly shivered. A sore spot. An envelope with information they'd requested from the orphanage in Africa, sat on the bottom drawer in their work desk. She'd offered Zola answers, and Zola had gracefully declined.She wondered, but it didn't mean she was ready for answers."One fire out, many more to go," Meredith muttered, "Ellis said she didn't want a storybook, tonight."Derek furrowed his brow as he took the toothbrush out of his mouth. He wiped the excess toothpaste foam that slipped out of his mouth, "You've been reading one to her every night you're here for months now.""Not anymore," Meredith forced a smile as she put away her brush and toothpaste. She turned away and made her way out of the bathroom, "I have an early surgery tomorrow, I might be out before the kids are up.""Annie," Meredith walked in with a group of young doctors with her, "Good morning, how are we doing?""I'm ready to have this tumor removed. Please tell me we're getting it out today," Annie replied as her husband chuckled."She barely got any sleep last night," he sighed, "She's ready.""Good," Meredith smiled, "Dr. Griffith, present.""Annie Li, six centimeter hepatic adenoma. She is scheduled for a laparoscopic resection today," Simone confidently announced.Meredith listened as she continued listing off her surgery. She detailed the procedure with ease. There was a lot about herself that she saw in Simone. And she was good. Good interns were scarce."Okay, good," Meredith nodded before turning back to her patient, "Okay, we're gonna get you ready. Take you to the OR and we'll get to work. I've got you, okay?"Annie exhaled deeply before shuttering, "Thank you, Dr. Grey."Meredith nodded once and smiled before exiting the room. As they walked out the five interns followed her."Uh, Dr. Grey, will anyone be scrubbing in with you?" Lucas asked."Yes, Griffith will," Meredith turned to them, "She's the one who admitted her when she came into the ER with pain and I want you to watch your patient through."The intern nodded, "Thank you, Dr. Grey."Blue raised his hand, "Will we be able to watch?"Normally the answer would be yes. Of course it would be yes. It was a teaching hospital after all and they needed to learn. If she was going to bring the hospital back to it's high ranks, this is where she needed to start."No," she shook her head, "I want the gallery closed. I don't need an audience today. Go find something to do."The interns ushered away disappointed in the news. It was rare to watch her in action as it was, that her closing off the gallery was a punch to the stomach.Griffith's phone went off. A shrill sound echoed in the hallway as she quickly made to look at it. She glanced at the name and hesitated. The call went ignored."Aren't you gonna get that?"Griffith blinked, "I uh, it's my grandma."Meredith nodded. Simone's grandmother had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and she had confessed to Meredith that it had taken a toll on her. No wonder she saw a lot of herself in her."You should answer now before she calls again when you're in the OR," Meredith whispered as she carefully placed her tablet in the charging station."Dr. Grey, I'm sorry-""No, don't apologize," Meredith gently shook her head gently, "You're a doctor, but you're also a human being with a life outside these hospital walls. I know it's hard and I know being an intern doesn't make it any easier."Simone scoffed, "No, it really doesn't."Ellis Grey had been a thorn on her side during her own intern year. Now, she felt some guilt over feeling that but it didn't invalidate the fact that she felt trapped that year. She bore a responsibility and a secret she never asked for. It was a sword hanging over hear head. When it finally fell, every intern in that hospital had tried to help her- in their own twisted, sardonic way. But no one truly understood.And the one person she had trusted with that secret, suddenly had a wife. He owed it to her to at least let her pretend none of it was true by letting her scrub in on a surgery."I know what it's like to carry that burden. I couldn't stop thinking about my mother when I was an intern," Meredith sighed, "And now, I have three kids that constantly invade my every single thought. But while I'm in that OR, when I have a scrub cap on, I put them in a box. A small box in the back in the back of my mind."Simone listened intently."Because my patient is trusting me with her life," Meredith continued, "And as soon as I'm out. The box bursts open and they're back. It's hard, and it doesn't get easier. But I am here if you need to talk, okay?"Simone swallowed a lump as she fidgeted with the phone in her hand, "Thanks Chief."The phone rang again."Okay," Meredith whispered, "Be ready in two hours."Simone watched as the chief walked down the hallway and into the elevator.She picked up the phone, "Grandma? No, no, I'll be home later.""I don't like coming to the hospital," Ellis furrowed her brow as she stomped down the hospital hallway, "I should be in school. We're doing a new art project"Derek smiled as he tightened his hold on his daughter's hands. He wasn't in scrubs but wore his white coat. He'd have to take her back to school soon anyway. And the chief would probably suspend him but it would be worth it."You want to know why Momma loves her job right?" Derek asked as he walked his daughter up the stairs, "She asked to keep the gallery closed today and you are not supposed to be up here but I'm gonna show you."He opened the gallery door and invited her in. No sat in the gallery. Ellis looked around before she stepped in and her father closed the door. She approached the glass window and carefully looked through it."Retract more cepholad," the lead surgeon ordered.Ellis' eyes widened, "Is that mom?""Mmhm, that's your momma," Derek smiled as he sat next to her."This is gross," she looked up at him before turning back to the surgery and sitting on the chair behind her."Yeah, it is," Derek sighed as he sat next to her, "If you really want to go, we'll-""No, I want to know what she's doing," She scooted forward to get a closer look. Derek chuckled as he began to whisper what was happening on the table.Down in the OR Simone briefly glanced up and rolled her head. A pair in the gallery caught her eyes. She blinked. Dr. Grey would kill her. She had specifically said the gallery needed to be closed. No audience. There wasn't a need for it. Except the pair in the gallery seemed familiar."Dr. Grey," she quietly whispered, "We have eyes."Meredith shook her head, "I thought I said I wanted the gallery closed."Simone shifted ever so slightly, "Um, it's Dr. Shepherd and I'm guessing it's your daughter."Meredith quickly looked up at the intern confused before looking up at the gallery. Derek sat whispering something to the little girl next to him. Ellis swung her feet as she paid close attention. She wore a green jacket and her flower patterned combat boots. Both her hands lay flat on the chair as she swung her legs back and forth.Meredith smiled brightly at the curious pair of green eyes looking down- even if it was under a mask. Ellis realized her mom had spotted her and raised her hand. She wiggled her fingers and waved shyly. Meredith raised her brows before turning back to work. She motioned for the nurse to turn on the intercom."Dr. Shepherd, I think your guest might be a little too young for this," Meredith playfully announced. The rest of the OR chuckled."Oh, I think she can handle it," Derek stood to press the intercom button while winking at his youngest, "She's brave like her mother."Ellis' giggles rang in the OR."What is she doing?" Ellis turned to her father."Her patient has something called a tumor. It's dangerous to her body and she's removing it so her patient doesn't feel any more pain. She'll be able to go home and live a happy and healthy life. .""Oh," Ellis blinked as she stared ahead.Derek watched proudly as his daughter took in the sight before her. It surprised him very little to see her not flinch at anything happening. Then again, she sat with her big sister once as she snuck some surgical videos on her laptop."Your momma and I took a long time to get to do what we do. We went to school, practiced a lot, and practiced even more," Derek whispered, "And your momma sacrificed so much so she could practice the gift she's been given."Ellis turned to look at him with wide eyes. Innocence and wonder mixed with curiosity. Their daughter hadn't fully understood the weight of their jobs, but today, she'd understand a bit. One day, she'd hopefully understand the complexities of their jobs, the decisions they made, and their sacrifices.Derek inhaled, "You know how your momma says you and B and Zo can do anything you want? When you grow up?""Mmhm," the little girl nodded, "I told mom I wanted to be a chef""Exactly," he whispered, "Your momma didn't always have someone to say that to her. And even though she had to prove herself a lot. Now, she's one of the best surgeons in her field."Ellis turned back to the OR."Your momma loves you so much Ellie," he whispered, "she also loves what she gets to do. SHe saves lives and does her best to make sure everyone gets just a little lucky as she is. Not a lot of people get to do that."If Meredith was listening, she was pretending to ignore them. She continued to focus and work meticulously on her patient who was receiving a gift."She's amazing," Ellis whispered in awe, "Can we stay to watch until she's done."Meredith smiled brightly under her mask. Dr. Griffith noticed her eyes crinkle in a smile."I think you're pretty amazing too, Dr. Grey," Griffith muttered."I'm just doing my job," Meredith looked up, "Graspers please.""I should be writing you up. You broke the rules," Meredith announced with a smile as a figure approached her."Oh please, admit it," Derek leaned against the counter, "You liked having your daughter watch you."He smirked as Meredith stopped charting to look at him, "I did. I think it helped her understand a little, thank you.""Mmhm," Derek smiled as he leaned down to press a quick kiss on her lips, "She was impressed. I think she may be following in the Grey footsteps.""God I hope not," Meredith's eyes bulged out as she realized what she blurted out. She turned to her husband and blinked.He raised a brow. She'd always encouraged Zola when she announced she would be a neurosurgeon. She had even tried to convince her that general was better."Did I really just say that out loud?" She blinked."Yeah, you did," he chuckled as he crossed his arms. He furrowed his brows in confusion, "You really don't want her too?"Meredith sighed, "I just…She has very heavy names. Grey. Shepherd. And to top it off I insisted on Ellis. That's a very heavy burden to bear. I know I have Grey and that was difficult during med school and residency.""What about the other two? Their names are Grey-Shepherd-"Meredith stayed quiet for a moment and thought about her answer. Her children following in their footsteps was…complicated. It never was until she realized how similar they were to their parents. And that scared her."I will cheer them on, whatever they choose to do," Meredith shrugged, "But if I had my way, I don't know if…I sound like my mother. She said the same thing once-""That was different, and you know it," he shook his head, "You know they can handle it. You just don't want them to feel any pain because you care."Motherhood was complicated. On one hand, you wanted to give your children the world. On the other, you wanted to protect them from it. And that innate nature of protection was something that was gnawing at her.Meredith pursed her lips into a tight line, "I wish I could carve their lives into perfection. With no pain. No suffering. But I- we can't, so-"She shrugged. Such was the life of a parent."We can't protect them from everything," Derek whispered as he leaned closer to her, "No matter how much we want to."Meredith nodded and as she was about to respond, Amelia appeared out of thin air and stood in between the couple, "How much do you love me? Am I still your favorite sister?""Oh, what the hell did you do?" Derek asked knowingly."You did what?" Derek yelled as he closed the door behind him. He made his way to his desk as he let his sister ramble."I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to tell her, she started asking questions and we started talking and things got awkward and when that happens I just word vomit you know. I didn't mean to tell her you were going.""That's why she called twice today," Derek removed his coat and threw it on the hook. He shook his head and flopped onto his chair, "She's been calling since yesterday."Amelia scoffed as she moved to sit across him,"Why don't you just pick up the damn phone? Simple solution.""Amy-""No, really, you are mom's favorite and you always call. You're the freaking golden child and even the sisters adore you," she shrugged, "I'm the black sheep, I have a reason to avoid them.""You are not a black sheep," Derek shook his head."Derek," Amelia insisted, "This is about what mom told me when I was in New York. About what you promised. What she apologized for?"Derek exhaled before whispering, "I'm glad you and mom solved your differences."Amelia stared at her brother for a moment. They'd had their differences for years. It was a very thin line of brotherly love and fatherly protection that he tiptoed on for a long time. And in the past, she resented him. Now, she understood that a weight had been placed on him and when he seemingly felt like he had failed, he ran. He ran as far as he could and right now, he felt the stench of failure."You need to talk to her," Amy leaned her elbows on her knees, "You need to make peace with the fact that our childhood was crap and that it was not our fault. You need to do that and this is your chance."Derek leaned back on his chair as he closed his eyes. He wasn't ready for such a reality. He had worked over the last eight years to mend the failures of his past with his wife and children. He tried to give them everything, and he wasn't ready to face a dark past.His sister however, had lived lifetimes over him. And now she was the wiser."I hate you," he smiled, "You suck. You've dropped to sister number four.""Oh please, I'm number one and you know it- they all know it," she smirked."Did you like going to the hospital?""Mmhm," Ellis smiled as she scooted into the bed, "It was cool but it was also gross. I don't know if I want to go again.""Yeah, it kind of is. But it's also pretty cool to save lives," Meredith laughed before inhaling deeply, "I have something for you.""You do?" Ellis' curiosity piqued as she sat up."Mmhm," Meredith pulled a small box up to her lap and raised a brow, "I gave Zo a set of these books last year. She finished them in days and Bailey is now reading her set but this one, I saved it for you.""You did?" Ellis gasped as she opened the box. A set of tattered books were set in the box. They were slightly worn, a sign they had been read over and over again by their previous owner."They're a little old," Meredith nodded, "Your dad found them in the attic of our old home- where Aunt Amelia lives. And I want to pass them down to you."Ellis carefully pulled out one book and flipped through it, "You do?""Mmhm," Meredith smiled, "Zola and Bailey know a lot about my mom- because they've asked a lot of questions. But you haven't asked and I never wanted to- these books got me through some very difficult times. When I thought life wasn't easy, or when I felt I was lonely, and it was dark I read them."Ellis took another book out. And another until the box was empty."I wasn't gonna give them to you yet," Meredith continued, "I was gonna wait at least until you were ten but I thought, maybe we could read them together?"Ellis nodded happily, "Which one's first?"He wasn't even sure what made him do this. He had told Meredith he needed to finish some charts and prepare for their trip and yet here he was making his way to this damn place.It'd seen a lot from him. Darkness. Anger. Frustration. It took a lot. But it gave a lot.He knocked and stepped back until a familiar face opened the door."It's late. Very late," the woman raised a brow as Derek stepped in, "What was so urgent you needed to talk now?"Derek sighed heavily as he sat on the couch. He rubbed his hands together, unsure of what he was about to do."You remember that thing I told you I wasn't ready to talk about? A couple years ago when I first started? You've asked and asked and I keep saying no? Or you say it's all bullshit?" he asked as the woman sat down in front of him.Dr. Wyatt nodded, "I do.""I think it's time I start talking about my dad."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"Why doesn't she know?" Wyatt asked as she stared at him down. She sat with her legs crossed, a notebook in her hand and a pen lightly tapping it. Her gaze sternly fell upon him. She was a no nonsense therapist. Someone who didn't take any crap. From either of them.Derek fidgeted with his hands as he pressed lips into a thin line, "I don't know. She knows how he died but we never…"He drifted. He never liked speaking about it and he had never wanted to add. She'd asked once or twice. But she'd gottent he hint that he just didn't want to. And Meredith Grey- though amazing as she was- wasn't always the most sensitive. And he got that. He tried.But the true story of that day was a knot in his throat he couldn't untie."My wife has gone through enough," he shook his head, "She doesn't need anything more."Wyatt observed him for a moment, "You're an incredible surgeon. One of the best. You're on journals, reports, articles. You go give lectures at some of the most elite schools, people come all over the world for you.""What's your point?""Your job has always been a point of perfection," Wyatt leaned forward, "It's why you give yourself the chance to be arrogant. Because it's perfect. You worked hard to build a perfect career 's why you lashed out at Meredith the way you did- she stained your perfection when she messed with your clinical trial-""That's not-""It's why you were so angry at her for not wanting to leave to D.C-"He shook his head, "That was my own fault-""And for a good decade, you had the perfect family," Wyatt continued, "No issues with the kids. They've been happy and satisfied. Meredith has been thriving as a surgeon. And you've been at the top of your game. Everything has been perfect until it wasn't."Three brilliant, smart, kind children. A home that was literally dubbed, The Dream House. A wife who understood his thrive to excel and whom he loved passionately."I love my family," Derek shook his head, "The fact that they're experiencing difficulty with our situation- the accidents, the panic attacks- it doesn't make me-.""I know," Wyatt nodded, "But everytime something goes wrong, you revert to that scared twelve-year old. A twelve year old who blamed himself when his father was brutally killed."Derek stared ahead. Unblinking. The truth staring him down."You blame yourself for every imperfection life has thrown at you," Wyatt continued, "What you don't seem to grasp is how life is messy. And for some reason, yours has been one of the messiest.""It's late," Derek swallowed, "I should go home. Sorry I bothered you so late."He made his way to the door."Derek," Wyatt called back before he could open the door. He stopped. An internal part of him wanted to walk out and never look back.But he knew better. He turned back to her, hands in his pocket, ready to push back."You two have come a long way," Wyatt reminded him, "Don't push her away. Let her in."At this time of night, the catwalk had been empty. One or two people would walk across it but if he looked to the corner office, he'd see the blinds had been lowered. She liked the privacy, and hated the fact that the office had been such a public display. There aren't any pretty views anyways, Meredith told him as she lowered them once she'd settled in the office. And she had left long ago anyways.But something about knowing it was her space, her area, gave him a comforting feeling.Derek flipped the phone in his hands once. Then again. And again. A small rotating thing in his fingers that one little slip would cause it to fall over and shatter. But his very fancy almost 3.5 million dollar hands were equipped to not do that- even though he was tempted to. He leaned over the railing and sighed deeply as he finally stopped flipping.It was inevitable. Amy had opened her mouth and now he needed to call. If he called now, it'd be around ten on the East Coast. Maybe Carolyn would be asleep by now. A perfect excuse to not speak to her. I called, he'd say, No one picked up. She'd raise a brow and smirk, knowing very well her only son was lying.He clicked the familiar name on the phone and held it to his ear.It didn't even ring twice when she had finally answered, "About time you call your only mother.""I uh, I've been busy," Derek grimaced, "Sorry, I've been meaning to call you back.""Have you?" Carolyn asked, "Well, you called now, I suppose.""How are you ma?," he exhaled as he tapped on the railing.He could hear shuffling in the background and the echo of the house, "I'd be doing better if you called more often. Amy says you and the family are traveling to New York, when can I expect you?"There was some guilt. He'd been close to his mother and his sisters throughout the years. Called often, every holiday, until recently when his sister came back from a trip and shared with him a long overdue conversation. An old wound mended while his were still wide open.He stopped tapping on the railing, "Uh, soon. I'm not sure when we're set to fly out but I know Meredith wants to take a red-eye sometime this week.""Oh," the tone changed to one of disappointment, "So this is a business trip. Amelia made it seem as if-""It's not a work trip," he sighed, "But we do have things to do in New York."A pause of silence lingered, "Well I'm happy to see my grandbabies any way I can. I haven't seen them in some time. I bet Ellis already forgot about me.""Ma, I know you call Meredith and the kids talk to you," he snorted.Carolyn laughed on the other line before it went quiet again. She wanted to be as present as she could and the distance didn't help. And truthfully, she didn't enjoy traveling alone any more. So she did her best and her grandchildren still loved her."Derek?" she paused, "You don't sound too good, are you okay?""I'm fine, ma," he lied, "I'm just tired. I'll call you soon, okay?"Meredith had heard him the minute he'd entered the house. She'd managed to see the lights of his car make their way to the house. If her mind hadn't been clouded, she probably would've noticed the man walk in with a tired expression. One with exhaustion and completely depleted.But her mind had been on the fact that he had thought to bring their youngest to see her do what she loved. Save lives. He'd had the brilliant idea to help her understand what she so desperately had tried to explain. Derek Shepherd was indeed her knight in shining whatever."Hey," Meredith smiled as she looked up from the laptop. She pulled her glasses off and tossed them on the table with her laptop as she got on her knees, "Flights are booked, teachers have been notified, the board met- I was your proxy- We are set to go!"Her excitement was palpable. He could feel it, but he couldn't quite share it."Now, I really want to kiss my husband because I've been having really porny thoughts about him all day," She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed his lips, "Thank you for bringing Ellis today. You're a good husband."She kissed him again until she slowly traced a path down his jawline and to the spot where his jaw and neck met. Her lips lingered a moment as she nipped at the salty skin."Mer," he muttered, "I uh-""Mm," she kissed him again as her hands reached for the buckle in his belt, she moaned, eliciting a shiver from him, "This first, talk later."The belt clanged on the floor as her wands wandered the inside of his sweater, tracing the slight contours of his figure. She kissed up to his lips again, sending him into a profound sense of confusion. He could give in, let her ravish him until the sun was rising high and make him forget about everything. He could spend hours lost in her. Letting her hide him, shield him from the wound he'd just reopened.Except he was just too…tired."No, Mer," he gently pulled away as his hands encased hers, "I uh- I can't. I uh, not tonight.""Wait, what?" She blinked, "You're always in the mood, what's wrong?""Nothing, I just had a long night," he gulped as he tried to smile as best he could, "I need a shower and uh, I'll be back okay?"He quickly pecked her cheek and pulled away, making his way to the bathroom.Confusion clouded her mind.What. The actual. Fuck?He didn't notice the look of confusion on her face but he'd imagined it. He closed the door and removed his shirt. A sudden pang on his chest as it came flooding back like the sound of a gunshot."Derek? What's wrong with Daddy?"
Derek stared at the body on the floor. No pulse. No pulse meant he was dead. Dad was dead.
"Stay back, Amy, don't come closer!""Daddy!" She yelled again.
Derek opened his mouth to tell her. Nothing came out. Not a word. Not a single word. Just a buzzing sound all over the room.
Derek gripped on the edge of the counter and stared at the man staring back at him.What a coward."So New York first and then Boston," Derek muttered as he made his way to lay next to Meredith. His eyes were fixed on the ceiling as Meredith typed away on the computer."Yes," she confirmed as she rubbed her neck. She didn't push him anymore and hadn't tried to sneak into the shower with him. That probably would've done it, but years and years of reading the man she slept with taught her better."Did you look at the websites I sent you? New York Tech has a good STEM program I think she'll like but Brookline has a really nice social emotional program that I think she needs. We should ask about that in New York.""While we're at it, we're gonna have to go visit my mother," he grouchily replied.Meredith froze, "Wh-what? Why?""Because Amy has a big mouth and she doesn't know when to shut it," he muttered, "I called her while I was at the hospital. I told her I'd call to let her know the dates."This was all confusing. First, he tried to avoid her after years of insisting he wanted to be closer. He never answered her calls and kept his distance. Now, they were roped into visiting?"Okay," Meredith blinked, "Is that why you're upset? Is she okay? Is something wrong with her?""She's fine. I'm fine, nothing's wrong," he gently responded, "She's excited to see the kids.""Derek," Meredith closed the laptop, "What's going on?""I just told you my mother knows we're going to-""No, that's not what I'm talking about," she rolled her eyes, "You wouldn't call her back. You had a nightmare weeks ago, refused to talk about it, lashed out at Lucas during dinner-""Lucas and I are fine-""You are not," she insisted, "You are not fine. Derek I know you, I know my husband and you are not fine."After more than a decade married to him, she could tell you what every single one of his looks meant. The angry one when his face turned into a scowl. The playful smirk when he teased. The concentrated eyes when he was razor focused on a surgery. The proud one when he saw his children do something amazing. And the hungry one when all he wanted was her.He knew all his quirks. Every single one."Derek, what's going on? This is not like you, what's happening?""Nothing-""I don't want any post-it frames broken or rings hit with a baseball bat so you need to talk."
This is what you want? I'm giving you an out!
I'm not going anywhere.
Meredith! I said leave!
He sighed as he eyed her, "That's a low-""You don't have the best track record with your temper," she raised a brow, "I've earned the right to call you out on it."Still nothing but an empty silent response. Derek was a talker. A chatterbox. Chatty freaking Nancy that it irritated her to a certain extent. He needed to talk things out. He needed to hear what was wrong so he could fix it. So he could try to fix it. Even in their counseling sessions, he had been the star pupil and talked. Talked. And then talked some more.The silence terrified her."Fine," she shoved the laptop on the nightstand and turned her lamp off."Meredith-""No, I'm done asking. Every time I bring it up, you put up this wall and I'm not gonna try to climb it anymore," she settled on the bed and turned to face away from him.Derek stared at the scans in front of him and sighed deeply. He was a 46-year old male presenting with a glioblastoma. Aaron had come to him after several doctors had rejected any kind of surgery. Derek- ever the stubborn surgeon- had agreed to try. He'd try to remove it using a treatment he had developed himself.But now the damn thing had grown enough to a point where Aaron's speech had been terribly compromised. He knew what he wanted to say. He was fully aware of it. But the words just wouldn't come out. And it left his wife, Emily, with being the person to speak for him and with him.He always made an effort to keep a distance. Derek couldn't get too close to a patient because it would blur a dangerous line between and if the worse were to happen, it'd be a break he wouldn't be able to handle.But Aaron and Emily had been kind, persistent, and optimistic. It wasn't easy to try to pull away.Until the scans in front of him told Derek the worse."Shit," he muttered to himself as he stared at the scans."Hey," Amelia stepped in and sat on the chair next to him, "You paged?""Yeah," he leaned back on his chair and pointed, "Tell me that isn't what I think it is.""Crap," Amelia muttered as she studied the scans, "This is the patient you were telling me about isn't it? Aaron, was it?""Yeah," he shook his head, "Tell me I'm giving up too easily-"Perfection, the word echoed in his mind. He had been searching for a perfect solution for shrinking, removing, getting rid of glioblastomas and meningiomas that killed lives."Dr. Shepherd, you and I both know what we're seeing here," Amelia stepped back, "I'm sorry.""Dammit," he muttered as he swiveled his chair to the door. Meredith stood at the door, decked in her scrubs and a tablet in her hand."Is this Aaron?" she asked, "Please don't tell me it's your patient."She'd also gotten to know the family. She'd seen the rallying team in the waiting room and had watched them all be ecstatic with results. She'd grown fond of it. And their joy reminded her why they did this."It's him," Derek shook his head.She stepped forward and analyzed the scans, "What are you gonna tell them? Are you gonna try to resect it?""I want to try one last time," he sighed, "But I don't know, it's infiltrated too much. I'm worried about his quality of life.""You may want to wait. It's already risky enough," Amy added, "His speech has been compromised for a while.""Yeah," Derek stared at the scans again and released a heavy breath of air, "I hate these types of cases."Once upon a time, Meredith would've said Derek was a tumor junkie. And to some extent, that was true. But seeing his own sister suffer on a hospital bed made him more wary. And his intent to fight impossible tumors was even greater. But sometimes, he lost battles."Are you okay?" Meredith asked with concern in her voice.Derek pondered her question for a moment, "I told you I'm-""I'm asking as your chief," she straightened, "I know you got close to this patient. I know it's been tough. Are you okay? Or do you need anyone in there when you break the news?"Right. She was asking as chief. Not his wife. This is where she marked the line."I think I need to do this one myself," he sighed as he made his way to the door, "But thanks, chief."She couldn't help the way her eyes rolled as he walked down the hall.Amelia pressed her lips together in a thin line."Amelia" Meredith raised her brows expectedly."Alright, alright," Amelia shrugged as she turned to chase after him, "I'm going."Derek stopped for a moment before he opened the door to the exam room. There would be no surgery today but he still needed to break the news to the optimistic couple. As he entered, the pair had told him all about their recent trip to the Space Needle. They hadn't had a night like that in a long time. Ever since Aaron's diagnosis, life had been flipped upside down. And work had kept her busy.He was about to burst such a happy bubble."At this point," Derek folded his hands together as he watched the pair tighten their hold on each other, "I would say that we should begin to consider stopping all treatment."Emily released a sob, "But, I mean it had shrunk! It was working.""I know," Derek nodded, "But it's come back and this time, it's much bigger than we anticipated. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear and I know it's devastating."Emily turned to Aaron who was doing his best to console her while keeping it together himself, "It…Oh…Kay."Derek watched as Aaron try to make it better, even if he knew it wasn't. Emily tenderly reached to caress her cheek as she wiped her eyes."We have two kids," Emily turned to Derek, "Dr. Shepherd, we have two kids and we need to… is there really no way."Derek sighed, "I'd like to continue our current treatment with the medication, see how it progresses. And in a few weeks. We'll circle back and talk about options, surgery, if there are any."Emily squeezed Aaron's hand and nodded, "We're gonna fight this right? We're gonna-"Aaron nodded.As Derek stood to make his way, goodbye pleasantries were exchanged and a sour taste was left in his mouth. He closed the door behind him and locked eyes with his sister."I'm fine," he gritted through his teeth, "This is the job, you know this.""I'm not here as the chief of neuro," she softly answered, "I'm here as your sister and I know you and Mer are not in a good place right now. I lived with you, I can tell.""Mer and I made plans to go to the East Coast this week- to look at schools for Zo," He handed her the tablet, "I've already handed down most of my cases but this one, I'd appreciate it if you personally handled it."Amy sighed as she took the tablet in her hands. Her brother would talk when he was ready. All she could do was wait.And while she waited, she needed to keep this patient alive."You got it," Amelia nodded, "I'll keep you updated."Meredith walked down the catwalk and found him leaning against the rail."Hey," she stood next to him, "I just saw Emily and Aaron go on the elevator. She's devastated.""Yeah," Derek nodded."Derek-""I hate this part," he rubbed his face as he turned around to face the view of Seattle, "I hate getting to know them and then-"He snapped his fingers, "All hope is gone.""I know," she nodded as she reached to rub his arm, "I'm sorry."Meredith watched as his mind raced. He pushed himself off the rail and grinned unconvincingly,"Yeah, me too."She watched as he began to walk away. It didn't sit right with her that she had no idea what was happening inside his mind. That he was pushing her away like he had all those years ago when they just couldn't communicate. Dark days that haunted them. Dark days she never wanted to relive.She followed him down the catwalk, "This isn't the thing that's-""Meredith, I can't-" he turned to her"Okay so when?" she pushed, "When are we gonna talk about whatever the hell this is?""I just told my patient there was little I could do to keep him alive for his wife and kids," he stared at her as he quietly and angrily muttered, "You really want to push me right now?""Yes," she nodded as she approached him and lowered her voice, "I want to push you right this second because if I don't, you're never gonna tell me.""What if I'm not ready?" he searched her eyes, "You know better than anyone that sometimes people aren't ready so please Meredith, I can't talk to you about this. Not now!"Zola walked into the bedroom with a blanket in her hand, "Dad's on call tonight?"She jumped on the bed and sat next to her mother. Meredith smiled and set her notes on the nightstand as she helped her daughter settle in, "He is.""Mom," Zola sighed as she covered herself with the blanket, "I'm scared."Meredith blinked, "Because of the trip?"Zola nodded as she scooted down further on the bed, hiding away from the cruelties of her fear, "What if nothing comes out of it?"Meredith soothed her daughter's cheek, "Well we keep looking until we find a way to help you. We're not giving up on you, Zo.""Mom," Ellis' voice cut through them as she walked into the room, "I can't sleep."Meredith giggled as she watched her youngest hop on the bed and lay next to her sister."Is this gonna be a slumber party since Dad isn't here?" Meredith chuckled as a third voice interrupted them."That means I'm the man of the house," Bailey announced as he walked in and laid on the end of the bed.Meredith laughed as the girls bickered with him."You are not the man of the house!""No you're not."Meredith chuckled, "Want to stay the night here? We can watch a movie?"Zola raised a brow, "What about Bailey's snoring?""Hey," Bailey protested.Her mind wasn't fully clear of him. It never was. But right now, she could bask in the beauty of the three other treasures in life.The head of each department settled on small talk as they waited."Why are we here?" Amelia turned to the chief as she entered the room, "What's happening?"Derek entered behind her and closed the door. He glanced quickly at his wife and made his way to an empty chair next to his sister-in-law."Okay, that's everyone. Let's get started. This will be quick. I just have an announcement. I'll be taking a very brief leave of absence- as will Dr. Shepherd. So we'll need an interim chief to-""Not me," Bailey announced, "I ain't doing it."Everyone chuckled."We assumed," Meredith smiled, "Actually I already asked Dr. Hunt since he's been in the position before and his department is co-run by Dr. Altman. It's an easy transition.""It's temporary, right Grey? I'm not interested in doing this again for the long run," He raised a brow."Yes, and if you screw up, I will fire you," She grinned."What about the residency program?" Amelia asked, "Do you need someone to cover that while the both of you are gone?""I was hoping you could take over, Dr. Shepherd," Derek turned to his sister and smiled."Me? Really?," Amelia proudly straightened, "About time I got some recognition around here. I promise not to destroy your program."Derek raised his brow before she resigned, "Completely. I won't destroy it completely."The room echoed with chuckles as Derek turned to Meredith who didn't make eye contact with him."Out of curiosity," Maggie raised her hand, "Did you have any other considerations for interim chief?""I did," Meredith nodded, "But the board decided they wanted someone with experience to helm the programs in our absence. I'm the chief but I still have to run things by them."The board was still very much engaged in all things with the hospital even if they were spread out in different states. Arizona Robbins and Callie Torres were in New York. Jackson Avery in Boston. Richard and Miranda were both in Seattle. Who knew where Meredith and Derek would land next?Maggie nodded, "Just curious."Derek furrowed his brow and turned to her."They've also been generous enough to approve a complete overhaul of the clinic," Meredith grinned, "It will reopen next week to promote women's health and will provide services to any woman who seeks reproductive health assistance Dr. Bailey will be overseeing it after carefully curating a team."The staff turned to the former chief and applauded her efforts. Another move in the right direction. Dr. Grey had fulfilled everything she had set out to do. Provide space for her surgeons to grow and reinstate a residency program that lived up to it's previous legacy. In the process, she'd been cementing her own."Okay, stop it, none of that," Bailey waved her hands, "It's just one small dent in this mess our politicians have made so don't applaud until everyone has equal health care access. Then you can clap"Meredith nodded."Okay, please submit your budget reports and proposals by the end of the day," she stood from her seat, "Let's get to work."The attendings walked out of the room leaving only two behind."Meredith-"Meredith shuffled papers without looking up at him, "Are you ready to talk about it?""That's not-""Then I have to go," she moved to open the door."Meredith!""No, I'm tired," She turned to him, "I've got a lot on my mind with the kids, the schools, the hospital. You are choosing to shut me out? Fine. Right now, I have to go. Let me know when you're ready."Lucas watched from the nurses station. He lowered his sight back to the tablet in his hands as his uncle walked towards him."I didn't hear anything," Lucas muttered as his uncle reached him."You suck at lying," Derek sighed."Sorry," Lucas shrugged, "Word on the street is that you're going to Shepherd headquarters tomorrow."Derek scoffed, "Yeah, we're flying out tonight.""If my mother asks," he looked up at him, "I'm in my own apartment and not with Aunt Amelia.""If I see your mother, I will be running the other way. It's enough going to my mother's house," he muttered."Nana is not that bad," Lucas snickered, "Does she knock people off their pedestal? Yeah. Is she a little too honest? Oh yeah, but she's not as bad as my mother.""Yeah," Derek sighed, "You called your mom?""No," he shook his head, "And save the speech please? I know you didn't call yours either."Derek chuckled, "Remember when you were a kid? You would spend your summers in New York and you wanted to go on the Harley I had- before the crash. We'd go to the Yankee games and you'd always get popcorn."Lucas smiled fondly, "Mom would always be so pissed because you'd get me every snack I wanted and I'd be throwing up as soon as I was back at the house."They laughed together before Lucas spoke again, "And then you'd take me to that house out in the Hamptons you had with Aunt Addie and I'd run all over the beach."Derek nodded, "One of the few things I can say I miss about New York.""Are you okay?" Lucas asked."He is not because he's on his way to relive the joys of your childhood and teenage years," Amelia smirked as she approached the pair, "Sorry am I interrupting something?""You," Derek blinked, "It's your fault my wife isn't talking to me.""My fault? What the hell did I do? I don't talk about you with her. Our conversations don't revolve around you, you jackass."Lucas stifled a chuckle before Derek and Amelia glared at him. He coughed, "Sorry, but she called you a-"Derek glared again and clenched his jaw."I'll shut up now," he cleared his throat."You had to tell our mother. Now I'm pissed and can't even tell my wife why," he shook his head as the trio walked down the hall."Oh please, that's not my fault," she scoffed, "I may have snitched but it's not my fault Mer's mad."The trio walked together down the hall, "No, it's not. Sorry.""Yeah, yeah," Amelia shrugged, "You know she asked?""What?" Derek furrowed his brows together."Meredith. She asked about what why you've been on edge about-""Amelia," he tensed. Lucas looked up from the tablet, he'd rarely heard his uncle refer to her that way."Don't worry, I said nothing," her eyes widened, "I am only mentioning it because you are my brother and she is practically my sister- in a non-incestuous way- and she deserves to know. She's gone through a lot and so have you. The least you could do is open up.""When did you become the voice of reason?""When my fiance overdosed, my baby had anencephaly, and my brother almost died due to medical negligence," she shrugged, "I've lived lifetimes, brother.""Yeah you have," he sighed as he watched her walk away, "How's my nephew?""Standing behind you," Lucas deadpanned."I don't think he was talking about you," Amelia retorted. The pair were sometimes too much alike. The line between aunt had been blurred and sometimes they were more like siblings."Scout is doing good," Amelia smiled at her brother, "He was running down the hallway the other day and he tripped. I got scared for a second there because I expected a loud scream but I was pleasantly surprised when he just got himself back up and ran back to me.""He's still sticking things up his nose?""Nope. Now he's eating them," Amelia laughed, "As soon as you're back I'll bring him over."Derek nodded as he watched his sister walk away before beckoning her once more, "Amy!"She swiftly turned."How the hell are you fine? How have you-" he sighed, "How the hell are you fine after everything and I'm here trying to put together-"The pieces of a broken twelve year old boy. That's what he was doing. Putting back together the pieces of a broken twelve year old."I'm not," she chuckled softly, "I just make a choice every day and try to take a step forward. But that pain never goes away."He smiled gently.She walked away with her hands in the pocket of the lab coat. Over the years, the pair had developed their own set of secrets. Things their other sisters and their mother were unaware of. Things that ostracized them and made them only closer to one another. Perhaps that's why Amelia knew him best, really. The secrets they kept."Wait," Lucas blinked, "She had another baby? Before Scout?"Derek turned to him and blinked."None of my business," Lucas looked down again, "I won't bring it up unless she does.""Exactly."Meredith threw the envelope of documents into the tray. The last of her to-do list before she left for the day. Before she took the red-eye to New York and came face to face with the rest of the Shepherd clan. As if she didn't have a handful of them here. And the next generation as well.Carolyn had been insistent. She called him. Called her. And apparently called Amelia as well. She couldn't even blame her because if one of her own -whether it be Zola, Bailey, or Ellis, she knew she'd call until someone picked up.And their relationship had developed. It had developed in many ways that had become unexpected."He's alive," Carolyn gripped at her hand, "Meredith, he is alive."
Meredith stared off into the distance.
"I should've left. I should've listened to him. I should've gone to D.C. with him and we would've never- he wouldn't-""No," Carolyn gripped again, "None of that. You did the right thing for yourself and for your family. You knew what was right for those kids and this- this is not your fault."
Meredith snapped back to reality, "I'm pregnant."
"What?"
She couldn't hold on to the secret any longer. Not when his life was still on the line. She needed to say it out loud to someone. And if it were to be someone- it'd be the person who loved him the most besides herself.
"I'm pregnant and he doesn't know," Meredith whispered again, "I just found out this morning. He doesn't know that the last thing he-he-""Oh," Carolyn embraced her and held her as she froze, "He will. He'll know.""Hey, you got a minute?" Derek knocked twice as he stood at the door, snapping her back to reality."What?' she gritted angrily. The loud clang of the drawer told him she was in no mood. No mood for him.He rolled his eyes and closed the door behind him, "Just checking in, I'm ready to leave when you are. Just came to tell you I'll be downstairs.""You could've texted," Meredith moved to grab her briefcase, "Didn't need to come up here."Derek rolled his eyes and placed both hands on his hips,"Is this seriously how we're gonna be on a six hour-""You shut me out!" She spat out as she slammed her hands on the desk, "You. Shut. Me. Out!"He stood frozen, confused and with furrowed brows. He hadn't expected this reaction from her. He didn't think it'd be a fight that would explode this way."Seriously? " he raised his brows, "This is because of what happened last night? Because I didn't want-"This is not-" she scoffed at the insinuation. A distraction perhaps, "You call her at least twice a month- once a week even and then you suddenly stop so she has to call me-""Meredith-," he moved to lean on the armrest of the couch, anticipating a long fight."And it's not just about her! You snapped at Bailey, at Lucas, Amelia has to-""Amelia?" his eyes snapped open, "What does Amy have to do with this?""Are you pissed because of New York? Because of the school there? You've always wanted to be-""This has nothing to do with that," he spat out, "I would do anything for Zola, you know that! Even if it meant we had to move out there.""Then what the hell is going on?" she tried again, "I've been spilling my guts out to you, you made me promise not to freeze, and I get nothing?""Yeah, I know what that feels like, remember?" he snapped, "Look we're gonna be on a six hour flight with the kids, I don't want to fight. Not like this.""So then why won't you tell me?""Meredith I-," he stopped himself before shrugging, "I can't. Not right now."Nothing infuriated her than not knowing. Not knowing what a patient needed. Not knowing what was wrong. Not knowing how an intern had screwed up. Not knowing where she stood with Derek Shepherd."For the kids sake, we're not gonna fight," Meredith stared at him and swallowed, "But for our sake, I hope you find a way to tell me. Soon."With that she grabbed her bag and made her way to the door. Leaving it open.Suitcases were packed, arrangements were made, and tickets were in their hands. If the kids had been any younger, this sort of trip would've been more than a nightmare. But the worst so far had been the never ending questions.
Is Nana gonna let us stay over? What are we going to do in New York? Are we really going on ferry boats?
Eventually, they died down as they boarded. On one side, Derek sat with Bailey. Both entertained with whatever they had playing on the screen. On the other side, Meredith sat between her daughters, and read until the pair fell asleep.If the kids suspected any rift, they didn't mention it. Perhaps it had been due to the excitement of a trip requiring a plane. Something that only happened once or twice in their lives.The six hour flight seemed eternal, and eventually, Ellis had leaned over Meredith and Zola had done the same on the other side. Bailey rested his head on the window. Of the two parents, she'd been the most physically uncomfortable. But knowing her, she wouldn't complain. Especially if they were fighting. Derek unbuckled his belt and moved to grab his youngest as best he could."Here, let me take over," he whispered as he sat next to her and pulled Ellis into his arms, "You look uncomfortable.""I'm fine I got-" Meredith rolled her eyes."You've been shifting around trying to find a comfortable way to sit," he raised a brow, "Let me take over.""Fine," she conceded as he sat on the same seat his daughter had and pulled her in his arms. A great way to get closer to her, Meredith noticed, "I'm still mad at you."He turned to her, "I know you are."Their eyes met briefly, slowly trying to find a truce between the two. Long enough for the trip, but enough to remind them that this fight wouldn't be over soon."I'm still mad at you but I'm using you as a pillow," she put her head on his shoulder."Okay," he whispered as he settled his head alongside hers.For a moment, they sailed on smoothe waters. Both quiet and at peace as their kids slept.But that ended when Meredith lifted her head to look at him, "Why won't you tell me?""Tell you what?" Derek asked as he shook off any sleep that would've overtaken him."For a brain surgeon, you're kind of a moron," she shook her head, "Why won't you tell me what's wrong?"Derek exhaled heavily as he shook his head. It was as if rocks were on his chest and the fact that Meredith had caught on fairly quickly had worsened it."Derek, I'm your wife," she sighed, "We've come too far for you to shut me out like this."Derek pressed a kiss on his daughter's forehead as she shuffled a bit."And I don't want to shut you out. I just don't want to talk about it now because I'm not ready," he whispered again, "I'm not ready yet.""Will you ever be?""I'm working on it," he smiled gently."You can tell me anything, you know?" she whispered as she searched his eyes, "I'm not gonna run.""I know," he nodded, "I'm not running, either, I promise.""So then why does it feel like you are?""You think I'm running from you?""I think something's scaring you and you're running from it. I just can't figure out why."She settled her head between his shoulder and his neck. Something didn't fully sit right but she didn't have much of a choice but wait. Wait until he is ready."You're not-? I mean there isn't anyone-""What?" His eyes practically bulged out of their sockets, "You think I'm-""I'm just- look the last time we were distant, a stupid transplant surgeon was involved and the time before that, a fellow was involved. And you didn't want to-""Meredith," he laughed heartily before his gaze met hers, "Me not wanting to talk about it yet isn't because I don't want you. Besides you've already threatened to kill me, I think I've learned my lesson-""Did you do something illegal?" She continued to ramble, "Find out a deep dark secret about Amy? Lucas? Did Maggie tell you something? Because if she did I-""Meredith," he shook his head again, "It's complicated. And this trip to New York isn't- it's just-"She noticed the way he struggled. The way he couldn't truly muster the courage to tell her everything."I was in Wyatt's office that night," he offered. It was all he could offer, "I just needed a minute to process. That's it."Wyatt's office. It suddenly clicked and made sense. He didn't talk to her not because he truly didn't want to. He was finding a way. And he was talking to someone. Someone he trusted. Someone they both trusted and could help him. She'd been there once or twice. Stubbornly and cynically."Okay," she conceded, "I get it. I've been there. I've been not ready to tell you something and I've run to her. So if you are going to Wyatt or any other shrink, then I get, but Derek?"His gaze made their way back to her, "You'll tell me right? When you're ready?""I will," he nodded, "I promise.""You talk too much," a voice sleepily muttered, making the pair jump. Ellis adjusted herself again, "I'm sleeping here."They couldn't help the slight chuckle that escaped them as Meredith pushed her daughter's head back and rested against his shoulder again.Derek pressed his lips against her blonde hair and inhaled her scent. He should've been over the moon. His youngest in his arms and the love of his life wrapped around his arm.He should've been, but he wasn't. Instead, he felt suffocated. Like he was drowning.And there was no way out."There are my grandchildren," Carolyn beamed as she stepped out of the door and opened her arms to the family of five exiting the cab, "Look at you! Ellis Carolyn, look at you! Wasn't I just holding you as a newborn? When did you grow up?""I'm not that tall yet, Nana!" Ellis giggled as she embraced her, "See?""Bailey, you handsome young man, you look just like your father when he was your age!" She smiled as the boy went to embrace her as well."Mom says not the hair. Definitely not the hair," Bailey smiled as he also wrapped his arms around her."True but you have his smile," Carolyn ruffled his blonde locks and turned to the eldest Grey-Shepherd."And you, Zola, look at you," Carolyn beamed, "Let me see you, turn around!"Zola giggled as she humored her grandmother. She'd always done that as a child whenever she saw her nana. She loved the attention and had always twirled."Oh my goodness, you are a tall beauty," Carolyn grabbed her and held her cheeks on each palm, "The last time I saw you, you were still shorter than me. You carried some kind of medical doll your parents got you."Derek turned to Meredith and shook his head. She giggled a little as she pictured a young Zola carrying her own Anatomy Jane."Look at you now," Carolyn admired, "Stop growing, it makes me feel old.""Anatomy Jane, it's somewhere in my room," Zola wrapped her arms around her, "I missed you too."Carolyn placed her hands on both sides of her face, "I made cookies for you and your siblings. They're on the counter."Zola thanked her and made her way in.The next person to greet Carolyn was the woman who loved her son just as much or even more than she did."I'm assuming you're not letting him get around so easily ," Carolyn turned to her son's wife."Never have, never will," Meredith smirked as she stepped up the final step."Even better," Carolyn approved as she embraced her warmly. She closed her eyes before whispering, "It's good to see you, Meredith.""It's good to see you," Meredith whispered back.The quiet appreciation went without words. They had both seen darkness in the world. And surprisingly, they were more alike than they expected to be.Meredith stepped back and allowed her a better view of the fifth member. The one who'd been avoiding her."And you," Carolyn glared at the fifth member standing at a distance, "You don't call. You don't pick up the phone. It's like someone else raised you, care to explain yourself?""It's good to see you too, ma," Derek grinned, "I've just been busy.""Baloney," she pointed, "This one's a mother and chief of surgery and she still picks up the phone. You have no excuse. Even Amelia picks up the phone once in a blue moon.""Sorry," Derek nodded.As they stepped in, Carolyn turned to the two adults, "How long are you here for? I've set up a room for the girls, one for Bailey and one for you two-""Ma, Mer and I were thinking about getting a room in the little hotel in town."Meredith turned to the pair and joined Derek, "We don't want to disturb you with the three kids and we're really only here for just a few days.""Nonsense, this is your home," Carolyn eyed Derek before turning to her daughter in law, "And yours and my grandbabies. There's enough room for everyone and you are all staying here.""Ma-""That's that," Carolyn left no room for discussion, "Now tell me, how have you been?""Carolyn-"Derek furrowed his brow as he turned to his wife, "Carolyn? Since when do you-""Stop it," Carolyn insisted, "I rarely get to see those three. I want to spend time with them and I am going to. I'm not gonna be alive very much longer-""Ma-""-and I'm gonna spend every second I can with them.""Zola, Bailey, Ellis, I made cookies! Come tell me all about school while your dad helps your mom get settled. You two are staying in the one your sisters Nancy and Kathy used to share.""Bossed around by every woman in my life," Derek sighed as he nudged Meredith to the hallway."You're a very lucky man," Meredith laughed as she patted his arms and led the way, "Which room?""Third one down," he grabbed a suitcase, and walked down the hall. Meredith eyed a few of the photographs gracing the walls of the Shepherd home. She easily identified each sibling in each photo. Meredith made a mental note to ask Carolyn for an old album.As Derek opened the door, he let her into the bedroom first.Meredith looked around as she dropped her carry-on, "Bathroom?""In there," he nodded to the door. He shifted uncomfortably. The room looked nothing like he remembered. Any trace of his sisters was gone. Carolyn had changed it and transformed it into a guest room. She'd done that after each Shepherd child had come and cleared out the final memories of their childhood. Every single one had done that with the exception of one. Derek."I need a shower," Meredith sighed as she shook him out of his trance, "I feel gross after the plane ride.""You want company?" he smirked as he wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her, "Kids are busy with my-""Oh now you want to? After denying me the other night?," she gasped, "See, I know what you're doing and it's not gonna work. We are not. Having sex. In your mother's house. Besides, I'm still mad at you.""Who said anything about sex?" he raised his brows before smirking, "It's called water conservation.""No! There will be no water conservation or whatever and there will be no sex," she hissed, "It's your mother's house!""Mm," he hummed as he released her, "Fine. I'm gonna go settle the kids' rooms."Meredith chuckled as she watched him step out of the room and close it behind her.This trip would be more than a search for a new school. It'd be more than an opportunity to spend time as a family.Something told her that this trip would lead to big changes and new awakenings.She just didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The beige walls no longer existed. Now the hallway was a light blue, maybe gray. And the pictures of his and his sisters' childhood are no longer on the wall. They've been replaced with pictures and frame collages of Carolyn's grandchildren.A set for Nancy's, one for Kathleen's, and one for Lizzie's. A surprisingly new one with a scarce amount of pictures of Scout. One as a newborn. One in which he's being held by Amy. And another with the trio of his cousins back home. A last one with his uncle on his first birthday. He had been fussy all day long, but when Derek had him in his arms, he had settled.
"He's got magic baby arms," Meredith shrugged to Amelia as she snapped a picture with her phone, "Happened all the time with my three."
Meredith smirked and stepped out of the kitchen to join the rest of the group in the yard, leaving the two siblings on their own.
Amelia rolled her eyes as she walked to the counter, "He wouldn't settle with Link or with me. It's ridiculous. How did he fall for the whole Derek Shepherd is-"
"It's not my fault your kid likes me better," Derek smirked as he bounced a little around the kitchen, "You did the same with Bailey. He liked you more than Mer and I, remember? He'd see you and run to you."
"I had that kid wrapped around my finger," Amelia shook her head as she cut the small cake in pieces, "You know, actually, uh, remember when I was half asleep from being in labor and Link and I asked you and Mer-"
"Yeah," Derek nodded, "Are you finally backing out? Is this gonna be payback for him liking me better? Who's gonna be his godfather, Owen? Please don't tell me it's Owen."
Amelia laughed gently before placing a plate for him on the counter, "I uh, I signed a will. And you're his designated guardian if anything should happen to me or Link. You're still okay with that, right?"
Five years ago, there were snarls, glares and competition between the pair. Even farther away, the yells were fully blown arguments. Blame and reprimands thrown between the pair. Now there was a gentle rapport between the pair. They could tease each other, call each other out, but at the end of the day, the Shepherd siblings would forgive and forget. That was new.
Derek smiled gently and nodded, "Nothing's gonna happen. But I will always be here for the both of you. I promise."
Derek smiled as he reached the set of his own kids. A photo of Meredith holding Zola when she was about one. He is leaning closer to his girls. Behind the camera, Lexie. He had that day ingrained in his mind. It had been one of the last clear memories he had of her.
"It's Zola's first Valentine's Day," Lexie laughed as she stepped into position, "You need a picture."
"Do we really need a picture to remind us of what you just interrupted us," Derek raised a brow as he leaned closer to his wife.
"Oh c'mon! I just offered to babysit," Lexie scoffed.
Meredith laughed, "Well it's a good thing she won't remember what she almost saw. And your mother has been asking for pictures, we have to show off this little girl."
The next a picture of the Little Grey Shepherds, proudly standing in their fishing gear as they held a small fish each. One of Zola with a spelling bee trophy, Bailey with a soccer tournament trophy, and Ellis dressed in a pink tutu. She hated that thing the minute she quit dance and he found it in the kitchen trash bin a day later.A final photograph of the five Grey-Shepherds. The most recent he'd sent. Derek in parts of his suit, the jacket and tie both gone. Meredith in a white slip dress, Zola in a violet dress, Ellis in a green one, and Bailey in a dark blue suit. All five smiling happily at Amelia, who had taken the photograph.Their makeshift vow renewal they'd promised Ellis.
"She's gonna be pissed," Amelia sighed, "Mom's gonna be pissed you didn't tell her earlier."
"It was last minute, it's not a big deal," Derek adjusted his cuff sleeves, "I don't want her to risk getting sick by traveling across the country. Besides it's just the kids, you, Maggie-"
"And a good handful of our friends. It's a wedding," Amelia chuckled, "A backyard wedding, but a wedding."
"She didn't come to yours," Derek snorted.
"That was different," Amelia sighed, "And we mended that, so let it go."
He grabbed the jacket from the bed and put it on, "If I tell her she'll tell the other sisters and then-"
"Never mind, forget I asked," Amelia smirked knowingly before she stood up and approached him. She pulled on his tie and helped him, "You know, you didn't invite me to any of the other weddings either- with Mer."
Derek couldn't help the slight chuckle that escaped him. No one had been invited to anything. Not even to the original wedding Izzie had planned.
"We didn't invite anyone," he sighed, "We didn't have one. We scribbled stuff on a post-it and then city hall to speed up things for Zola. That was that."
"So why now? Why get all dressed up and have a party?" Amy asked as she stepped back. He'd been the one to walk her down the aisle when she married Owen. He wasn't too happy about it and had made it clear he did not approve. But when it came down to it, he swallowed his pride and wished her nothing but joy. He had even whispered to her how their dad would've loved seeing her off.
Derek sighed, "Mer almost died for the millionth time and our youngest has asked one thing of us. She wants to give it to her."
Ellis had insisted right before Meredith had fallen into a coma. And on a day when she was finally home, she'd woken up and proposed a vow renewal. He'd laughed but stopped as soon as he saw she was serious. Within a week, they'd invited a few friends and had used the old candles to decorate the yard with makeshift lanterns.
"Would the post-it have been enough?" Amelia quietly asked, "Or would you have-"
"If you're asking if you made a mistake by turning down Link's proposal, you did not," Derek whispered, "You were clear. You know what you want. You're allowed to want something different."
"Go get your bride," Amelia smiled, "I'm gonna go outside."
Derek smiled back before making his way to his room where Meredith was getting ready. No traditions would be followed. No hiding from each other, no parents walking anyone down the aisle.
In fact, their kids read their post-it vows. And it was perfect.
Derek smiled at the photographs before catching the scent of food. A wave of childhood memories enveloped him.Derek stepped into the kitchen with a sigh, "Cooking already?""You haven't had breakfast, I'm sure," Carolyn smiled, "My grandkids are in the living room playing with some old board games."Those old board games were probably missing a few pieces. They'd gone from sibling to sibling. Down to the next generation and now his own kids. They had been taken out during rainy days and holidays."That Zola has grown into a beauty," Carolyn's voice interrupted his thought, "Everytime I get pictures, her smile lights everything up.""She has, hasn't she?" Derek smiled proudly, "She's amazing. She's kind hearted, responsible, she's a great big sister and is always watching over the other two. And she's so smart.""You sound like your father when he used to talk about your sisters," Carolyn smiled, "She must be a little genius, too, with parents like you and Meredith.""Yeah," Derek nodded, "We uh, just found out that she's gifted. So technically she is a genius.""Was she?" Carolyn's eyes widened."Mm," Derek nodded, "But it's uh, kinda hurt her.""What do you mean?," Carolyn turned to the dishes behind her."Anxiety and panic attacks," Derek mumbled."What?" Her head snapped, "When did they start?"Derek stared at her. How was he going to explain the chaos that the last year had brought them? Minnesota, arguments, jealousy. And to top it off, this past year had brought the knowledge that their daughter was acutely aware of her mother's genetic past. An accident and terrifying scare with Bailey. And an increase in emotional support for Ellis. Life had been shaken once more for his family and he could practically hear the disappointment in his mother's voice."A year ago. Mer and I were traveling back and forth to Minnesota on a job-""Derek! Again?""She was offered her own lab," he defensively explained, "She couldn't pass it up. And I supported her. She made a choice and I stood by her. After the messes I made years ago, it was the very least I could do.""What happened? What happened in Minnesota that caused my grandchild to have-""That's not what-" Derek exhaled, "Zola's seen a lot, ma. She's brilliant and observant. And she knows things about us that we didn't even know she was aware of."Carolyn wasn't convinced. The disappointed glare in her face was once he'd seen often as a child.She shook her head with a raised brow, 'It's all those accidents. That little girl has been through so much at her young age. The plane crash, your car accident, Meredith in a coma. I've been begging you to leave that city for years!""Well you might just get your wish," he muttered, "That's why we're here."Carolyn stopped moving and turned to him, "What do you mean?""When she was deemed gifted, we were given a variety of suggestions to support her. Therapy, support groups," he sighed, "And one suggestion we received was to find a school that better fit her needs academically and emotionally. New York has an option Meredith and I both like.""Where else?""So far? Boston," he clasped his hands together, "There's a couple more but the ones we like best are those.""So she's here to look at schools?" Carolyn turned her gaze to the opening that led to the living room. She spotted the teen giggling with her siblings as she held board game money in her hands. Monopoly. It was her son's favorite growing up, too."She is," Derek nodded, "She's scheduled to tour one tomorrow."There was sadness in her son's eyes. Perhaps it was his own anxiety folding within him. Being a parent was difficult, especially when your child was experiencing a pain that you weren't familiar with."You know you used to have panic attacks," Carolyn folded the towel neatly, "After-""Those weren't panic attacks," he shook his head, "That was-""An intense episode of panic or fear. Otherwise known as a panic attack," she nodded, "I remember very clearly. And I'm a former nurse, I know the signs"Carolyn Shepherd was a woman who could spot lies and avoidance. She knew her children well and was never afraid to call them out when they needed the truth.Amelia had once described her as having no sympathy. Derek had agreed and sometimes- most of the time- it bit him in the ass.Derek stayed silent for a moment as he stared at his mother. He pushed himself off the counter, "I'm gonna take the kids outside for a bit. Get some fresh air."Carolyn watched as he made his way to the living room. Her only son had three children. And he brought them home.Finally.Meredith walked down the hallway. Each wall was decked out in photographs of the Shepherd clan. Kathleen's kids, Nancy's kids, Lizzie's. In the midst of the countless pictures, she recognized a small boy with his uncle.Lucas proudly sat next to Derek in what seemed to be a baseball game. Both in yankee caps smiling happily at whoever was taking the picture. The young boy had a small box of popcorn in his hands and Derek's dark curls poked under the cap. Who would've guessed that the wide eyed boy in the photograph would be reunited with his uncle once more in the hallways of Grey Sloan.
"Welcome to the program, Dr. Adams," Meredith extended her hand to the intern with a smile and noticed his hesitation, "This is where you shake my hand and say 'thank you'"
"Oh, uh, yeah," Lucas stood up and shook her hand appreciatively, "I just uh, I have a request."
Meredith stood and blinked, "You haven't even started-"
"I don't want anyone to know that I'm related to them," Lucas swallowed, "My Uncle Derek and Aunt Amy? I'd appreciate discretion."
"They're not why you're here," Meredith sighed, "You know that right? And your mother didn't have any influence either."
"I know," Lucas let out a breathy chuckle, "She didn't want me here to begin with and I know my options were limited."
"So then…why?"
Lucas sighed, "I have always been living under their name. Always. I don't even have the name Shepherd and everyone still assumes I get anywhere because of that connection. I haven't lived up to the Shepherd name and I don't want-"
"I get it," Meredith nodded, "I know what it's like to live up to a big name. Your secret's safe with me but you are gonna have to settle this with Derek and Amelia."
"Thank you," Lucas nodded.
Meredith landed on a collage frame of her own family. For years, it had been Derek sending photographs. He'd be the one to email and text the family. He'd been the one to keep everyone in the loop about how Zola wanted to be a surgeon, how Bailey had been thriving in sports, and how Ellis had developed a liking for nature. All tiny little details he'd shared. She tried her best to warm up to the sisters and she was successful sometimes. And sometimes, distance was better.But when your husband or your brother is lying on a bed with little to no hope in ever waking up, you are left with two options. Let the rift become greater or set a truce. And the Shepherd clan had extended a hand. They'd helped Meredith grieve. They'd let her take the lead in medical decisions- even if it meant standing up against one of their own.
"Meredith," Lizzie whispered, "You're his wife. I know you're his wife-"
"I don't know what to- I mean he and I had a plan. We talked about it-"
"Okay," Lizzie whispered, "You talked about it. You know what he wants. Trust that whatever you decide is what is best. He would tell you that. He trusts you."
"She's right," Nancy stared from afar and wiped her face, "You're the one who knows him best now."
Kathleen swallowed, "We're here to do whatever you need us to do."
Amelia watched the scene play in front of her, "Are you kidding me? That's not why I called you! You are supposed to tell her that I can do it! You are supposed to side with me! I can save him!"
"Amelia-" Kathleen stepped towards her.
"No! Screw all of you! You three barely talk to him and you," she pointed at Meredith angrily, "If he saw you now he would be-"
"Amelia, enough!" Carolyn yelled from her seat, "That's enough!"
Meredith held on to the tears brimming in her eyes. She'd heard enough from Amelia. Enough.
And a part of her knew it was grief and anger. It's why she had called their sisters and their mother. Because she knew he'd want them here. All of the very girly sisters.
Somewhere down the blurry line of pain, Meredith had forgotten that. But now they were here and they gave her space.
Meredith swallowed, "We're gonna wait the night. We're gonna wait and see what the numbers are because it's what he'd do."
It's what his training taught her to do. There was some hope. Some.
Her eyes landed on one final picture. She lightly laughed at the hilarity behind the photograph Amelia had taken of the five Grey Shepherds. She wore the simple white wedding dress her daughter had a love-hate relationship with, Derek was in her favorite blue tie, his sleeves rolled up and his suit jacket was nowhere to be seen, Zola in a violet dress, Ellis with a flushed face, and Bailey with his hair sticking to his forehead. They'd forgotten to take a decent photograph before the dancing and drinking began so that this was the best they could muster.Even so, that night had been perfect.
Meredith watched as Derek carried Ellis in his arms and danced with her from one side to the other, practically swaying her to sleep. The man had two left feet but watching him dance with his daughter reminded her of when he first held Zola in his arms on the day of their last wedding. Now they had three beautiful children and had once again promised to love each other even when they hated each other.
"You two," Cristina chuckled as she stood next to her twisted sister, "are annoying. You know that, right?
Meredith laughed, "Yes, we're disgusting, I'm aware. You've said it millions of times."
Cristina laughed, "You were both so scared back then. You came running to me telling me that he wanted babies and when he was about to propose, he came to me, freaked out about how he was going to do it."
"He told you?"
"Oh yea," Cristina sipped on her drink, "I knew days before you did."
"What did you tell him?"
Cristina stared off into the distance before shrugging, "I don't remember. But my point is, look at you and McDreamy. A big dream house, raising pretty happy babies, and married three times."
Meredith smiled, "He was supposed to be a one night stand."
"Well that didn't turn out so well, did it?"
Meredith hesitated to enter the kitchen. She swallowed a nervous lump before sucking it up and entering, "Hey.""Oh, Meredith," Carolyn turned from the cabinet and smiled, "Derek just stepped outside with the kids, I think he might be looking for the old baseballs in the shed. ""Oh," Meredith sighed as she sat on a stool, "That's-that's good. They were in the plane for a while and Bailey gets antsy."She turned towards the window and glanced outside. There they were, the four of them."You can stop being nervous now, you know?""I'm not nervous."Carolyn raised her brows and blinked."Okay, I'm nervous," Meredith admitted, "I knew you'd read me.""I know you well," Carolyn smiled, "You're a lot like me, you know?""I know. I remember," Meredith raised a brow, "Sorry we didn't give you more notice. I told him to call you.""Let me guess," Carolyn turned off the stove and stared at her, "he said he would. You just never checked in again."Meredith furrowed her brows, "Did I miss something? Did something happen that is- I mean, I just- I know Derek isn't the greatest with checking in but he's never avoided your calls.""How's Lucas?" Carolyn asked as she turned off the stove, "Has he been doing okay at the hospital?"Meredith shrugged, "He's trying. Residency isn't always easy and I can't imagine doing it with an aunt and uncle- who are world renowned surgeons- hovering everywhere. He and Derek started on a rocky note. Derek's been-""Hard on him.""And then he wasn't," Meredith sighed, "And then the accident and-""An accident? Meredith what happened?"Meredith sighed. She didn't want to relive one of the most terrifying moments in her life."Lucas and Bailey were in a car crash," she explained, "Someone passed a red light and hit the passenger side. Bailey had a liver laceration and needed surgery. Lucas was- it wasn't his fault but Derek blamed him."Carolyn could picture an upset Derek yelling at her poor grandson. Everyone knew he had been his favorite nephew but everyone knew how protective Derek had been of his children."It's been a lot," Meredith managed to whisper, "It's been a tough year."Carolyn knew better than to run and console her. She knew that Meredith Grey didn't let a lot of people in very often and if she was confiding in her, she needed to keep those boundaries."What else? What about Ellis? Derek told me about Zola. He told me why you're here"Meredith scoffed, "Well Ellis was completely fine until she accused us of not loving her and feeling left out. Derek's building her a tree house and she climbed up the unfinished thing and hid up there for hours.""And Zola, I just…I don't know how to help her," Meredith's voice cracked, "And I just want to help my daughter. She needs me and I don't know how to help her.""I stay up night after night, just thinking about…and Derek and I have been fighting over…And Ellis is feeling unloved. Bailey's accident… we're trying- he's trying and I'm trying but something's just not clicking and I can't- I don't know what to do."Carolyn studied her for a minute. She wasn't just her daughter in law. She was a woman, a mother, a wife, and a doctor. Someone who was asking for some sort of guidance in this game of life. A little life line."Are you okay, Meredith? You're not having-""No," Meredith inhaled sharply, "I'm not in a dark place like all those years ago when Derek... It's just…no one tells you how hard it is. To love your kids and have your heart crushed every time something bad happens."Carolyn Shepherd had raised five children. Five children who all became doctors. Fine professionals in their chosen fields. Two neurosurgeons, one OBGYN, one psychiatrist, and one…well she forgot Lizzie's specialty."It's like drowning. You're drowning in all this love and it's painful," Meredith swallowed, "How the hell did you do it?""Oh sweetheart, none of us know what we're doing," Carolyn shrugged helplessly, "We just do it."Zola looked at the photographs of her aunts in the living room. Her grandmother had so many photographs that she could see them all day. Her Nana had insisted that she and her siblings run off while the grown ups cleaned up the mess from their brunch. Not a mess really but it was nice of her Nana to let them off the hook."Zo," Bailey called out to her, "This one has dad in it."Zola turned around and walked towards her brother looking at the photograph on the shelf across the room. She looked at the frame with her dad holding a fishing pole with a man behind him smiling."It must be granddad," Zola mused, "He looks like Dad.""He never talks about him," Bailey whispered, "Do you know why?"Zola shrugged before a voice called to their attention, "What are you two looking at?""Oh," Bailey blinked as if they had been caught, "We were looking at pictures of dad, Mom. This one looks like his dad."Meredith stepped forward and smiled, "It is. It's his dad.""Why doesn't he talk about him?" Bailey asked, "I mean, I know he passed but he doesn't talk about him. Not really."Meredith sighed. It was complicated and long. And honestly, she didn't know enough to share with them. It wasn't her story to tell."Um, he'll tell you one day," Meredith pushed back his blonde hair, "You look like him right there."Bailey stepped closer to the photo. The boy in the picture was smiling brightly at the photographer. The same smile and same blue eyes.Bailey smiled, "Yeah, I kinda do.""I have a bunch more here," Carolyn walked in happily with albums in her hand, "Oh, Meredith, I promised Zola I'd show her a picture of your husband so I brought these out."Meredith laughed as her children ran to the albums and opened them one by one, "Oh, he is going to hate this.""I want to see!" Ellis stepped into the room and joined her siblings as Carolyn went through each picture with them. Clearly, she wasn't the only one with questions about his past. Their naturally curious children would have even more questions.Meredith stepped outside to the yard and spotted her husband sitting on a bench, staring off into the distance."Your mom is in there going crazy showing them pictures of when you were a kid," Meredith giggled as she sat next to her husband, "I'm pretty sure I saw the high school one you showed me years ago. The one with the sax and the hair-""Oh God," Derek scoffed, "Zola's gonna tease me for weeks.""Oh I think it'll be longer than weeks," Meredith laughed. She watched as she saw him stare off into the yard of his childhood home."You okay?" she asked with a whisper, "You were quiet at the table. I thought it was because you missed your mother's cooking."He pressed his lips together and turned to her, "I'm just a little tired. It was a long flight."Meredith sighed unconvinced, "She's a good cook. Now I know where Ellie gets it from."For all that was said about Ellis being a mini version of her mother, she had also inherited Shepherd traits that were far from the Grey genes. Cooking and Baking for example seemed to come from her grandmother. Not that Meredith was complaining.She was quite smitten watching her daughter ask questions about ingredients and asking if she could help.
Nana, why are we using that? Nana, can we add chocolate chips? Nana, can I have an apron like yours?
Carolyn had taken it all with stride, the way she had all those years ago when she'd stayed to help with her stubborn son's recovery.Derek briefly watched as she stared off into the distance and smiled gently, "How are you doing? You're not ready to run yet?"Meredith giggled, "Well it's just your mom, throw the other sisters at me and I may just hide away.""I'll hide with you," Derek stretched out his legs in front of him, "We can run off to the city and get on some ferryboats."They laughed together until it died down into a comfortable silence."I kinda broke down in front of your mom already," Meredith sighed as she looked up to the blue sky. They were so far away from Seattle. So far from home.Derek turned to her concerned, "What happened?"Meredith winced, "I told her about Bailey. And Ellis."Derek shook his head at her, "Mer-""Don't look at me like that. You told her about Zola," Meredith raised a brow, "And she was kind, she just listened. She listened as I told her how scared I was.""I wasn't gonna say-," he reached to hold her hand, "I just didn't know that you were still- I just didn't know. I'm sorry.""I didn't know either," Meredith gulped, "I didn't know I was still feeling that way."Those wounds as parents were wounds that'd never close fully. Guilt would follow and insecurity would lurk. Sometimes they'd forget they had one another. It was hard to truly open up with one another and rely on each other. They'd run to their sisters. To Mark or Cristina. Neither were here now. And their sisters were in Seattle.And here in New York, where they had no one else to run to, they'd have to face everything straight on and lean on each other more than ever.Derek wrapped his arm around his wife and pressed a kiss on her forehead. Meredith wrapped her own arms across his middle and settled against the crook of his neck, content with the comfort that both were a little broken, and slowly learning to heal. Or at least trying."What kind of panic attacks?""I'm sorry?" Carolyn looked up from the bookshelf as she set back an old children's book back in its place."You said I had panic attacks. After Dad died," Derek placed his hands in the pockets of his jeans and shook his leg nervously, "What did you mean? Because I've been trying to…and I can't remember."Carolyn thought back to the nights she'd hear him cry in his bedroom. She moved to sit on her armchair as she pictured her sweet boy, so angry at himself and so angry at how they stole his father from him that he'd shake in anger. In sadness and frustration. He was too young for that pain. And far too young to carry the burden of guilt."You'd hide in your room," Carolyn stared off into the distance, "I'd find you sitting in the corner of your room by the bed, with your arms wrapped around your knees and you'd be crying. Sometimes you'd be shaking and it was hard to bring you back."Derek leaned against the door and tried to think back. Nothing came to him. Not anything that she said seemed familiar."You blamed yourself," she swallowed, "And you tried to stay strong but you'd have these panic attacks because you thought it was your fault.""I can't- I don't remember-" he stared at her helplessly, suddenly feeling like the twelve year old boy trying to find some solace in his mother's arms."I know," Carolyn nodded, "You never wanted to talk about it. You'd get upset and every time your dad was brought up, you run and hide."Derek sighed and walked over to the armchair next to her, "A few months ago, Bailey was in a car crash- with Shep- and it was the scariest week of my life.""Meredith told me," Carolyn nodded, "How bad was it?""The car was totaled," Derek swallowed as he stepped in and sat in the chair that once belonged to his dad, "Which is the least of my concerns but it gives you an idea on how bad they were hit."Carolyn studied her son, "Bailey had major injuries right? What about Lucas?' Does his mother-""I don't know and I wasn't allowed to say anything," Derek explained, "Because we got in a pretty big fight before and after so-"Carolyn shook her head in disappointment, but knew better than to say anything. It was a rare opportunity to have her son open up after being the strong one for everyone for so many years. She wasn't about to push him away. Not when she had him back even for just a few days."He had surgery," Derek sighed, "He's been fine. More than fine, he's been really good."Carolyn reached to hold his hand and squeezed it tightly, "You must have been terrified. Both of you."Derek nodded."Meredith and I were at each other's throats again, because we were scared and because she needed to blame someone- and I get it, I do. So I let her blame me," he exhaled, "And I blamed myself. I still do."
"He- he, Derek my- Bai-our son's in there-" Meredith stuttered.
"It's not Lucas?" Derek furrowed his brows as he felt his heart drop straight to the floor and the blood drain from his face. His heart pounded in his head and everything around him seemed to slow down. A long buzzing sound echoed all over until a voice pulled him out.
Lucas voice broke through her own, "A car passed a red light and-"
"What the hell were you doing? Were you even paying attention?" Derek yelled as he reached for his nephew, "How the hell did you let this happen?"
He didn't feel when Maggie and Owen tried to push him back or when Meredith called out to him. All he knew was that his son was in a trauma room.
"I-I-I- he hit the passenger side and Bailey-"
"How did you let this happen?" Derek lunged again before being pulled back by Owen.
"It was an accident, Derek," Carolyn tried, "It wasn't your fault."
Derek shook his head, "I'm gonna go help Mer, put the kids to bed."He smiled gently at his mother before leaning to press a kiss on her head- like he'd done for many years."Derek?" Carolyn called outDerek turned from the hallway to look at her, "Yeah?""I need you to say it.""Say what?""I need you to believe that this was not your fault," she gently looked at him as she stood from her chair.
"Sweetheart," his mom whispered as she wiped the tears from his face, "It wasn't your fault. What happened to Dad was not your fault. Say it. I need you to say it."
Derek squeezed his eyes shut and let the tears flow once more as he felt his mother wrap her arms around him.
His blue eyes looked up at her, dark hair was stuck to his forehead as sweat dripped down, "It wasn't my fault."
Derek cleared his throat as he shook the repressed memory away. Suddenly, he understood where those words came from when he told them to his own son."It wasn't my fault," Derek quietly repeated.The lights had all been shut off in the hallway. All except one. Carolyn could hear the soft whispers between the married pair. She didn't mean to eavesdrop, and she wouldn't dare because she knew better- even though she was curious. She could however make out how they mentioned Zola and a school.They must've been planning out their big day for tomorrow. Zola would be visiting some fancy school out in Manhattan. Perhaps she could volunteer to keep her other grandchildren home and give them some space. Or maybe Derek would insist on taking them so they could ride the ferry boats. He always enjoyed riding them as a child.As she made her way to her bedroom, she turned to the set of photographs she'd hung a while back.A photograph of Zola looked back at her. She had a beautiful smile, always had. Her eyes glimmered brightly, showing a bright, intelligent child who'd just been awarded a spelling bee trophy. But deep down, she had fears that a child her age shouldn't have.Bailey's photo stared back. His pointed chin, long hair, and blue eyes reminded her of a young version of her son. But this little boy had just suffered a frightening accident.Ellis Carolyn had her own photo that wasn't quite a current version of her. She'd been in her dancing phase, as Derek called it. That mischievous grin reminded her of Amelia and the rest of her features were the spitting image of Meredith. This little girl had just been heartbroken at the idea of not being loved.And a final photograph of the five.She could remember the phone call so clearly. She could hear the joy and happiness in his voice. The thrill at sharing such happy news.
"How are the kids?"
"Uh, they're great!" Carolyn could hear the smile in his voice as he spoke, "They're more than great. They're happy and healthy and everything is great."
"Derek what did you do?"
"What? Why do you think I did something?" Derek scoffed into the phone.
Carolyn could hear the pitch in his voice that gave away his fibs, "I know you. I know when you do things. What's going on?"
Her son sighed into the phone, "Mer and I had a vow renewal."
"What? And you didn't tell me? Again?!"
"Ma," Derek chuckled, "It was just us and the kids and Amy and Mer's sister. The kids just read what we wrote on our blue post-it, you remember it?"
Carolyn struggled to keep it together. She would've loved to have been there. To see her only son promise the love of his life that he'd love her for the rest of their lives or whatever that blue paper said.
"I still would've liked to be-" Carolyn sniffed, "I'm happy for you and Meredith. I've always known she's-"
"Yeah, I know," Derek quietly finished for her, "I'll send you photos, okay?"
It was such a beautiful photograph of the entire family her son had made with the love of his life. A wedding dress, flower girl dresses, both of the Shepherd boys in suits- or part of it. And smiles on each of their faces.The more she knew Meredith, the more her intuition told her she was right all those years ago when she had given her son her blessing to give her a ring that meant so much to her. She was someone who saw the world in a way her son just couldn't. And his optimism had helped her accept love in her life.They just worked in their own way.But now, Carolyn could see the cracks. She could see where the pressure of the world was suffocating that happy family and how it sucked the air out of them.And as much as she wanted to protect them, all she could do was pray that they'd make it to the other side.Whatever that meant.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Meredith stared at the headline. She'd read the article twice over. Then once more.The Denny Duquette Memorial Clinic had been officially inaugurated as the Elena Bailey Memorial Clinic for Reproductive Health under the careful care of Dr. Miranda Bailey. The inauguration had made national headlines given the tumultuous times women faced. The headline was loud and clear
Grey Sloan Breaks Ground With Women's Health Clinic.
Ridiculous, she thought, as if women's health was groundbreaking. Dr. Addison Montgomery stood alongside the rest of the female team that would be overseeing the hospital. A few quotes from Bailey and a formal statement on behalf of the board. And a photograph of protesters with signs calling her surgeons and health care providers murderers.It was grueling and she couldn't imagine the difficulty it must've been for Bailey and everyone else."You okay?" Derek watched as she picked at the skin around her nail.She looked up at him and sighed deeply, "Um, Dr. Bailey opened the clinic and they ran an article about it. I was supposed to be there and I had agreed to an interview with her. She said it was fine after she knew why I would be out here but I still should've been there.""Bailey can handle it," Derek grabbed the watch from the nightstand and wrapped it around his wrist as he studied her face, "She knows how to handle things like this.""There's gonna be protesters outside the hospital soon," Meredith sighed.Derek nodded, "You didn't answer my question."She swallowed. How was it that she was in New York for her daughter and still felt a pull at the hospital."I'm just worried that something will go out of hand and people will try to trespass and it'll just be hell for everyone," she tossed the phone in her purse, "But I need to be here for Zo. We're here for Zo and Bailey and Ellis and my mind needs to be here. I'm here, it's fine, Owen can handle things and Amy-"She stood from the bed and grabbed her bag before her husband stopped her. He placed both hands on each side of her face, "Hey, hey, hey look at me for a second-""We don't have time for-""Just take a breathe," he softly suggested, "Everything is gonna go the way-""It goes," she hissed, "I know that. You always say that!"She couldn't fight the annoyance she felt when he wanted to solve everything. It was a habit he'd never broken. One that gave her comfort, and anger. And right this second, she couldn't decide what she felt."Okay so what do you need me to say," he whispered calmly as his thumbs gently circled her cheeks, "What do you need?"She exhaled as she thought, "Tell me we're doing the right thing. Tell me the kids are gonna be okay."He nodded with a soft smile, "We are doing the right thing. The kids are gonna be okay. We're gonna be okay.""You mean it? You're not just saying that to shut me up? Or because I told you too?""I mean it.""Well don't you look smart," Carolyn complimented her granddaughter as she stepped into the kitchen. She'd set a plate for her of waffles and eggs, "Are you excited about going into the city?""I wanted to explore the city not spend my day on a school tour," Zola sighed as she sat on the table, "I wanted to go to the theater, the ferryboats, and the Statue of Liberty.""Mm," Carolyn hummed. She watched Zola pick at the food placed in front of her, "Well, New York's kinda boring-""Nana," Zola giggled, "You know it's not.""It's not," Carolyn sighed, "But I can take you another day and we can watch a show. Or your parents can, whatever you want. Right now, you just need to focus on that school."Zola nodded, unconvinced and with a slight panic at the decisions on her shoulders."And if you don't like it, if this isn't the place for you," Carolyn tenderly cupped her cheek, "it's okay to say so. It's your future. You get to speak up. I'm sure your mom's already told you that."Zola grinned, "Mom says to let my voice be the loudest one in the room.""See," Carolyn grinned, "I knew she was a smart one."Ready, Zo?" Derek walked into the kitchen, "Good morning, Ma.""Sorry we woke you up so early," Meredith apologized as she walked into the kitchen, "She has to be there by eleven so she doesn't miss her tour.""Please, I'm glad you decided to let Bailey and Ellis stay behind," Carolyn turned to Zola who seemed distracted on her phone before whispering to Meredith, "It'll be good to give them a little attention while you're with Zo.""Thank you," Meredith whispered."I made breakfast if you want to-""Oh, we have to be out of the door soon," Derek sighed as he turned to his mother, "Sorry.""Well Zola ate breakfast and she's ready," Carolyn turned to the young girl in front of her and smiled."Okay so this school is in a good area," Derek explained, "Columbia is pretty close by which is nice.""You say that because you went to Columbia," Zola followed her parents into the busy building filled with students. They wore burgundy and gray uniforms. They sped past her and seemed determined to get to their destination, almost like ghosts just trying to pass by."A little but it has a really good science program, it's ranked pretty high in all the lists, it looks pretty promising," Derek continued.Zola turned to him with a look he'd known quite well. The same look she'd always given him whenever he tried to make something sound better than it actually was. And whenever Zola gave him that look, he knew he was in for a losing battle."Zo," Meredith rubbed her back gently, "Give it a shot. It may surprise you. Anything you want us to ask while we're meeting with the teachers?""No," Zola shrugged, "Why do you have to meet with them?""We just have a few questions," Meredith explained, "Don't be afraid to ask a few of your own. It's your choice, remember?"Zola raised a brow and returned, "If it was my choice we would've spent the day exploring the city.""And you will," Meredith smiled, "You're in your dad's hometown! Of course you're gonna get a chance to explore it."Zola looked up at her father who had his hands stuffed in his pocket.It was far from his hometown, but he had lived here long enough. But as he looked at the tall buildings around him, the busy streets, and the busy traffic, this was no longer home. Home was in Seattle. The quiet woodlands and the vast open floor home he'd built filled with laughs and shrieks of happiness. That was home."Tell you what," Derek sighed, "Explore this school, make a list of what you like and what you don't. When you're done, we'll do the ferryboats.""Promise?" Zola smirked."Would I ever skip out on a ferry boat? Especially with you?"Meredith raised a brow at her daughter, "He does have a thing for them.""Fine," Zola heaved as she turned around and marched down the hall."That," Meredith laughed as she turned to the father of her children "That thing she does when she convinces people to do what she wants. She gets it from you."Derek chuckled."Ass," Meredith huffed as she stepped out of the building angrily, "Stuck up, arrogant, ass-""He's a jackass but Zo may end up liking it here," he sighed as they walked in sync down the street."The first thing he asks is if we're sure Zo would do well at a school like this? What the hell was he implying? Why else would we be looking here!"Her shoes clicked loudly with every step she took. Derek was one step behind her as he tried to soothe things down, something he knew he wouldn't accomplish. The principal of the school was a little too arrogant for his own liking. Dismissive of questions and with"I know that, you know that, let's just take it one step at a time," he reached for her, "Let's let her form her own opinion and then take it from there."Meredith rolled her eyes and nodded as he pressed his lips quickly against her forehead, "Relax Mama Bear, it's gonna be fine.""What if it isn't?" she challenged, "What if this all fails and we don't-""We still have Boston!" he chortled, "Let's cross that bridge when we run out of options right now, we're finding our way. You made a good list, we have options.""We've got a couple hours before we have to pick her up, so what do you want to do?"They'd only been back in the city together once. Years ago without any of the kids. But even then, it had been on business. Any other time he had been back east with any of his family had been with Amelia or on his own or with one of the kids.Meredith thought about her options for a moment. She could continue pushing back, she could mope, call Grey Sloan and follow up, or…"Show me around," she smirked.Cliche. That's what they were. They were a freaking cliche in New York and Cristina would be laughing at her and making fun of how she let her husband take her to stupid Central Park like a freaking movie.But somehow it was a little familiar. They'd done this before. Escaped on their own to take walks and hikes. Away from the needs of a hospital and disassociate themselves from the two people that were most needed in the hospital. So it only seemed fitting that they'd do the same now. Hide away from the fact that they were both scared of what could come out of this trip.Meredith turned to study his face. He stared ahead as his blue eyes sparkled in the broad daylight. Somehow, he fit here. And somehow he didn't."Is this what you did with all your girlfriends in med school?" Meredith smirked as they walked in sync.He turned to her with a warm grin, "Oh, I didn't have many girlfriends in med school. You know that."She tightened her grip on his arm knowing fully well who the girlfriend was. In fact, she was currently in Seattle- their current home state. The irony of things."Mark was the one with many girlfriends, I was the third wheel," Derek further explained, "I was awkward and not at all what the girls were looking for. I think she started dating me out of pity.""That's hard for me to believe," She released his arm and stuffed her hands back into the pockets of her own camel coat. Suddenly she felt the need to retract herself back into her protective shell. It felt like it was the first time he had been truly opening himself to her."Really?" The absence of the warmth of her arm didn't go unnoticed."Mmhm," Meredith nodded, "I don't know, I guess I met you when you were this overly confident, enthusiastic surgeon who was climbing to the top of his game. It's hard for me to picture what Richard said.""What did Richard say?" Derek turned to her with his brow furrowed, "You've been asking Richard about my time in residency?"Meredith laughed, "Remember Ellis' birthday? He asked about Lucas and he might've mentioned how similar you were to Lucas."Derek hummed, "I was a very different person back then."He watched as a younger man sat on a bench on his own. A backpack rested on his lap as he seemingly read from some sort of textbook. He ran his hand through his hair and sighed in frustration."I can tell," Meredith replied as she shook him away from his thoughts.Derek shoved his hands in his pockets and nodded, "Ellis has been happy. No outbursts, no angry tantrums.""That's because she's been the apple of her Nana's eye," Meredith laughed."That's true. My mom has been spoiling her," Derek sighed, "She's always spoiled her grandkids.""And Ellis takes after her so she can't help herself," Meredith added, "The other two are happy as well. I like that they have her. I like that the kids are enjoying their time with her."Derek chuckled, "You think she'll survive the day with the two of them?""Oh, I think she can handle them," Meredith laughed, "She handled the five of you, that woman can do anything.""She likes you," he smiled, "She's always liked you. From the moment you told her you were dark and twisty-""She told you?" her head snapped to him as she released a surprised gasp.She hadn't expected to gain her approval after she'd gone off on a rant about being dark, twisty, and compassionate to murderers. She expected Carolyn Shepherd to hate her and tell her son that he'd made a mistake when he signed the divorce papers."Years ago," Derek chuckled, "When did you two start getting along so well? You used to call her Mrs. Shepherd and now you call her Carolyn-""I've been calling her Carolyn for years Derek, it just happened," Meredith turned to him as she reached for a napkin, "She gave me space and never forced me to be this cookie-cutter-kind-of-whatever-a-daughter-in-law is."Meredith exhaled, "And she stayed when I was losing my mind after your accident. She made sure I was okay when I found out I was pregnant with Ellis. She was there, Derek. I respect her.""She respects you too," he softly answered, "She's always respected you."That, she prided herself in. She never strayed away from who she truly was and had gained the respect of Carolyn by laying down exactly who she was. Carolyn had two choices. Accept her or decline her. But even Carolyn knew that declining her meant pushing her son away and this woman had chosen to be her authentic self. She admired her and knew she was the one for her son."You want to hear a funny story about when she took us to a musical?""She took you to a- what?" she fought the urge to laugh. It didn't surprise her that her husband had been caught up in everything that his mother and his sisters had an interest for against his own will. But picturing a pouting child Derek had amused her more than she had expected."Yeah, she likes the theater and had the great idea to take us to some sort of musical- I don't even remember what it was-""Did you like musicals when you were a-" she asked knowingly with a cat-like grin growing on her features."God no!" He laughed as he watched her giggle, "I hated them. And when it started, I managed to sneak out of there. I practically crawled out. I must've been Ellie's age. ""Okay, well, that explains why she runs away," Meredith continued giggling. She was pleased that their youngest daughter had inherited one mischievous trait from him, "so then what happened? Did she freak out?.""She didn't notice but my dad caught me outside, actually," he chuckled, "Since then whenever my mom and my sisters wanted to catch a matinee, my dad and I would catch a game or ride the ferry boats."Bells went off and the final key unlocked a door. Another puzzle piece was found."Ohh," Meredith gasped gleefully, "that explains the ferry boat thing!"Derek nodded with a smile. It was a pretty simple story actually. Nothing too crazy, no wild adventures. Just Derek and his father running away together from the antics of the women in their lives. It made complete sense."And then Amy caught on and she started ditching my mom and joined us," Derek shook his head."You and your Dad were close, weren't you?" scared of what would happen now that she began to poke around again, she reached for his arm once more and leaned against him."Mmhm," he nodded, "We were the only guys in a house full of girls so we stuck together."Meredith tightened her grip as she thought back to the blonde boy in his grandmother's home with his younger sister. He too had been his father's confidant. His best friend. And his father had been his hero. So much so that whenever he'd draw superheroes, his father had always been among the bunch from the movies he'd watch. They were a team. They were inseparable. And she loved that for Bailey."You and Bailey are like that," Meredith nodded, "You're stuck with women in the house and then you're stuck with the sisters and you two always stick together. It must be nice to have Lucas around."Derek smiled at her as he thought about his son and his nephew, "Lucas was uh, kind of in the same situation. And Bailey handles it better than I did. He's- ""Just like you," Meredith reached to thread her fingers through his curls, "He is just like you in every way."She grazed her thumb against his cheek ever so briefly before pulling him down to kiss him. Deeply. Like reminding him that their kids were just as much the best of them before he beat himself down for the parts he wished would disappear.He kissed her back, as if reminding her that the best of those kids was a part of her too.And as they pulled away with smiling faces, he pecked her lips again, softly. Relishing in the brief escape of the day."Mmm," he hummed, "Want to grab a coffee?""Do you miss it out here?""Manhattan?" Derek asked as he sipped his coffee as he looked around. The cafe was busy and if anyone heard his honest answer, they'd be kicked to the curb. He leaned in to her and whispered, "Honestly? Not really."She laughed at the way he smiled at her playfully."It's hard picturing you out here," Meredith smirked."Really? Why?""Well, we both know where Ellie gets her love of nature from and I don't know, when I met you, you were living in the crappy trailer-""My trailer was not crappy, it still isn't-" he tried to defend his beloved trailer that sat a few feet away from their home."Fine, but you were out on your own in the woods, fishing and doing all the nature crap. How'd that guy come out of this?" She grabbed her drink and took a long sip as she watched his brain turn its wheels.Derek thought about it for a moment, "The private practice. The people I was around with. School. A lot of things.""Mark and Addison?""Yeah, and Sam and Nai," he nodded, "And Addison's background. Her family was wealthy and she was used to a certain lifestyle, which kind of mirrored what my sisters' wanted so it made sense. At the time.""And your mom was close," she added, "You liked being close to her, right?.""It was more about uh, helping her out with Amy," he swallowed, "She was throwing herself off the roof because she was high on oxy. I had to be close to home."Meredith stared at him for a moment. He was lost in a long forgotten memory. One that clearly haunted him for years and that pushed him to an edge. A resentful one he couldn't get off of. She could push for more. Ask how it hurt him. If it was easy for him to step up. How hard it must've been. How much his mother relied on him and how much she kept him at bay. But, this had been the most he'd opened. And for now, it was enough.Meredith sighed, "Why'd you marry Addison?"She knew it was what he was doing. Distract him with something she already knew. The complicated past she was already aware of."See this seems like a trick question," he raised a brow, "Whatever I answer will get me in trouble.""It's not gonna get you in trouble," she giggled again, "I got all woodsy- flannel-wearing-nature Derek, I want to know suit and city and private practice Derek.""Is there a problem with woodsy- flannel-wearing-nature Derek?"She laughed again, "I would not be married to you if there was!"He nodded. The Derek before Seattle was different from the Derek who moved to Seattle."She was the right person- at the time," he turned to her, "I loved Addison- I mean you know it's not the same as what we-""I get it," Meredith rolled her eyes at his need to over explain, "I get it, you don't have to over explain yourself. We're past this. Keep going""I cared for her. I did and she cared for me. And she was brilliant. Kind. My sisters loved her. Still do- at least Amy does.Meredith nodded."Everyone said she was out of my league. Mark couldn't believe she'd agreed to go on a date with me," He chuckled, "I don't know, on paper it just…fit.""And then you got successful," she remembered a long forgotten conversation, "You became absent.""I did," he sighed, "It was a mix of things, too, now that I think back. I just…I was tired of…I was just an ass."Meredith turned back to her cup on the table, "Do you regret it? I'm not- I mean, I'm just, I'm trying to-""Do I regret hurting her? Yes. We both hurt each other but I tried blaming her only when I had my fair share of faults in the marriage," he admitted, "But if things had played differently- and I'm aware of how terrible it sounds, I am- I probably wouldn't have met you."There he was again. The blue eyed McDreamy who said things and did things. Suave and charming. Damn him.
How did you know Derek was the one?
Excuse me?
I know you hate me and all and you don't owe me anything. Nothing. No thing. What was I saying?
Derek.
Right. I want him to be the one. But I would know if he was the one. You knew, right?
You don't…I didn't…know. I just…Derek's the kind of guy…I just knew he wouldn't hurt me. I mean, not on purpose anyway. Not, the way I hurt him.
"Good answer," Meredith shook her head before raising a brow at him, "Did you practice that?"He laughed.Their hands were holding on to each other tighter than before as they walked back to the school."What if she hates it?""Well then off to Boston we go," Derek replied immediately with absolutely no hesitation."What if she loves it?""Well then we better start looking into homes. The kids will want a yard so something in the suburbs with space-""Something in Westchester? It's a commute but I think we could manage."Derek stayed silent for a moment, "We have options. It doesn't have to be-""It would be nice, admit it," Meredith sighed, "Carolyn would see the kids more often and they are used to having family around."Derek sighed, resigned to the idea that his wife was not completely wrong, "She said I used to have panic attacks as a kid."There it was. Another chest open. A quiet confession she could tell he was scared to make. The sparkle in his eyes dimmed as he looked through the crowd of adolescents making their way to them."Did you?" she whispered."I don't remember," he shook his head, "I just- I've tried to remember and it doesn't come to me, you know?"She did. She didn't need to tell him how well she knew the feeling of repressing things she wished she could forget."Funny isn't it?""What?" he turned to her with a questioning brow."The things we can't remember," she took a moment before continuing, "And the things we can't forget."She'd said it before to herself. Over and over again. It had become like a mantra after discovering how truly twisted life had been for Ellis when she ran from Seattle."Yeah," he exhaled before turning back to the crowd, identifying the soon to be teenager approaching them, "Here she comes."Zola walked towards them with her hands in her pocket. She pressed her lips in a tight line."Hey," Meredith greeted, seeing the distress in her daughter's face " You okay? How'd it go?""Anything you liked?" Derek asked."Um, yeah, it was fine," Zola sighed as she walked between them and walked ahead."You okay?" Derek asked as he quickly glanced at his wife.Zola nodded as she turned to face them. She had both hands in her coat and shrugged, "Yeah, but can we go home- uh to Nana's house? I'm a little tired.""I thought you wanted a ride on the ferry boats," Meredith asked, "Zo what's wrong?""Nothing, I'm just tired," Zola insisted, "I want to rest.""You know you can tell us anything, right?" Derek insisted."I'm fine," Zola glared, "I'm just tired. Can we please go back to Nana's house?""You're back early," Carolyn greeted as she heard them walk in through the front door, "The kids and I were ready to make some dinner. Did you eat?""Uh, no we haven't," Derek sighed as she watched her daughter run off to the room she was sharing with her sister for the night, "Can we help you with anything?"Meredith stood by the stairs watching her daughter disappear into the rooms."ActuallyI need a favor from you," Carolyn grabbed his shoulder, "I have a leak in the sink and I could use your help. You should take the old car, I don't drive it anymore but I have the keys here somewhere."Their voices drowned out as they stepped into the kitchen. Meredith followed her daughter down the hallway taking notice how she seemed to walk quickly as if trying to run away."Zo," she reached her as she slumped on the empty bed, "You okay, sweetie?"Zola pulled a pillow up closer to her chest and exhaled loudly, "I'm just tired. I'm fine.""Don't do that," Meredith closed the door behind her, "Don't say you're fine, when you really don't mean it."Meredith was an expert in doing that. She had always been an expert at convincing herself that everything and everyone was fine even if it was burning all to the ground."What if I am fine?" Zola's eyes followed her mother as she sat across from her."Zola," Meredith sighed, "I'm your mom, I know you very well and I know you. Everything is not fine."Meredith searched her daughter's eyes."What's going on Zo?" Meredith whispered again as she caressed her cheek."I had a panic attack," Zola quietly explained, "They were showing me some classroom and I felt so alone like I didn't belong. I started thinking about leaving Seattle and I started thinking about everything that's happened there and I got scared. What if it's not the right thing?"Meredith swallowed. Sometimes she felt like she was taking a step in the right direction. Sometimes she felt like she was so far away from it."What if it is and we just haven't found it?" Meredith asked. She could hear Derek's optimism come through her voice, as if she just knew what they both would say. They'd truly become a team."I just," Zola sighed, "I'm just scared."Meredith nodded, "Change is scary. And I wish I could tell you the fear will go away quickly but the truth is Zo, sometimes we have to go through the scary parts to get to the best part."Zola hugged the pillow tighter as footsteps approached the room, "Hey."The mother daughter duo turned to the door where Derek leaned against the frame, "You two up for a trip down memory lane with me?""Derek Shepherd." An elderly man called out, "Is that really you? I haven't seen you since you were a scraggly teenager."Derek chuckled, embarrassed as his kids chuckled around him. They'd seen the pictures, they'd laughed at the afro and the band uniform over and over."Stop," Meredith quietly chided."Mr. Johnson, I didn't expect to see you here," Derek smiled as he leaned against the counter, "Mom said you'd retired.""My son is running this store now," the elder man nodded, "He asked me to watch it while he took his daughter to her dance class.""Ah, Clive has a daughter!"Meredith watched the interaction from a few steps behind her husband. Clearly, they knew each other quite well. The shop seemed somewhat familiar to her, even if she'd never stepped into it before. She looked around and noticed how it seemed to be stuck in the past. The kids also looked around as they whispered to each other."He does," Mr. Johnson chuckled, "She's a cute little thing. And I see you got a couple of your own.""Oh, yes, this is Zola, Bailey, and Ellis," he motioned to each of their children who politely smiled, "And this is my wife, Dr. Meredith Grey.""Oh I've heard a lot about you," he extended his hand, "About all of you really."Meredith chuckled lightly. It was the first person outside the Shepherd home she'd been introduced to as Derek Shepherd's wife. She felt a small flutter in her chest as he introduced her and their children. Years ago, this would've been unthinkable. McDreamy and The Dirty Mistress with children? Impossible."My mother," Derek rolled his eyes as he turned to Meredith apologetically.Meredith smiled as she shook her head, "It's nice to meet you.""It's nice to meet you," Mr. Johnson, "You have a beautiful family, Derek.""I do, don't I?" Derek turned to the kids proudly before turning to look around, "This place hasn't changed much.""Not really," Mr. Johnson agreed, "We've thought about selling it a few times. But I couldn't bring myself to do it.""You're gonna sell it?" Derek's head snapped to him, "Clive's selling it?""It's just not as profitable as it used to be," Mr. Johnson shrugged, "The pandemic hit a lot of small businesses and it hit us quite badly. We had a few big-time corporate guys bring some offers but Clive's not ready."Meredith noticed how her husband swallowed and fixated on a spot behind the counter. He stared intently, lost in whatever world he was in."I know what this place means to the family, Derek," Mr. Johnson snapped him back to reality."It's yours," Derek cleared his throat as he shook his head, "You're uh, free to do what you think is best."Mr. Johnson nodded as he kept his sight on the man in front of him, "Right, right."Derek smiled. He would've gone anywhere except here if anything had been any closer. He regretted it the minute Bailey had asked why this small hardware store. Flashes of a younger Amy reminded him of the pain he'd felt that fateful day."Derek," Meredith whispered, "You're mom's sink?""Right," Derek shook himself from his own memories, "I need a pipe wrench. Mom uh lent out the old tools in the garage and I can't find anything in there."The man nodded as he pointed in the direction of the tools."Dad? When I start driving can I have your bike?"
Christopher turned to his son with a smile as he peered from the hood, "You want my bike?"
"Yeah," the dark curled boy nodded enthusiastically, "but I don't think ma will let me-""You can have the bike," Christopher chuckled."Really?" Derek's eyes widened with joy."Yeah," Christopher chuckled, "Just promise me you won't get into any accidents.""Deal!""What?" Derek took the change from the elderly man and stowed it in his wallet as he looked up at the elderly man, "Why do you keep looking at me like that?""It's just you," Mr. Johnson smiled and shook his head, "You look just like him. You're the spitting image of your father."Meredith noticed as his features softened."Say hi to Clive," Derek gently nodded, "C'mon guys let's go."As the family walked out of the small shop, the small bell at the top of the door announced their departure. The kids walked ahead of the parents 'as Meredith looped her arm around Derek's."Hey," she whispered, "You okay? You were lost for a minute in there."Derek turned to her and pressed his lips in a tight grin, "Yeah, it's just, I forget that some people say I look like my dad.""I've seen a few pictures," she whispered, "And I think you and Amy are the ones that look mostly like him.""Mm," she moved to wrap his arm around her shoulders as they continued to walk, "We're set for tomorrow right? We're set for Boston?"Meredith turned to him with a brow raised, "I think we need a day to decompress before we push another school at her."Derek watched as the siblings chatted. They clearly were conspiring something as their ears weren't perched onto whatever their parents were talking about."She okay?" Derek's brow furrowed.Meredith shook her head, "No.""You okay?" he asked quietly as he squeezed her shoulders."Now," she whispered honestly.He pressed a kiss to her head and rubbed her shoulder. He needed to get his mind from whatever this place was taking him to. His family needed him here and now."Daddy!" Ellis ran to him and wrapped her small arms around his middle, "Can we get ice-cream? Pleaaaseee?"Derek smiled and looked up to the other two who had pleading looks splattered on their faces, "You put her up to this didn't you?"Meredith laughed."You okay, princess?"Zola turned to him and grinned, "I'm okay. I just took a page from your book and came to the-""Quiet," Derek finished with a nod, "I was looking for some myself."Zola smiled softly at him before sighing. Dinner had been…loud to say the least. Carolyn had questions. Many questions. How was her day? Did she like the school? What did she like about it? What didn't she like? Did she make any friends?And then she went through the entire day with her siblings. Carolyn played monopoly with the pair. She showed Bailey their Dad's old hockey things. And she showed Ellis her Aunt Amy's old paintings from school. Apparently she saved a lot of things.Derek tilted his head and studied her, "Mind if I join you? I promise I'll be quiet."Zola giggled with a nod as she watched her father sit next to her. He sighed and stared ahead for a moment as the two enjoyed the silence in the backyard. It was almost as if they were back home. The silence enveloped them as crickets sounded off in the distance. The stars shined brightly above them as the cool air wrapped around the pair."I didn't fit in," Zola sighed."What?""The school. I didn't feel like I fit in there," Zola whispered, "I was trying to be open minded and try to talk to other people like you and mom said but it just-""Wasn't right," Derek finished for her."I wanted to like it," Zola continued, "If we have to move anywhere, I want it to be a place where Bailey and Ellie would be happy too."Derek exhaled. He closed his eyes and shook his head, "Bailey and Ellie are our responsibility, Zo. Let your momma and I worry about that."Zola had a natural instinct to take care of the people around her. Sometimes it was sweet, and it made her incredibly empathetic. But lately it worried him how much of a burden it had been on her to feel the need to be overprotective of her siblings. Had they really hurt Zola so much over the years with all that had happened in Seattle?"Dad?""Yes, princess?""What happened to your dad?" she asked shyly, "You went quiet at the store when he was brought up."He blinked, "You noticed that?""Dad, I notice everything. Even things you and mom don't know about," Zola shrugged, "You never told us what really happened."Derek looked down with a sigh, "It's kind of a harsh story.""Okay, now you really have to tell me," Zola's eyes begged for more. They begged for more than he was giving and a part of him wasn't ready to open himself fully. But his daughter was always one to find answers. And if he didn't give them to her, she'd go out looking for them.Derek shook at his overly curious daughter before sighing, "Okay, when I was your age, two guys came into the store he owned- the one we went to today- and they took everything they could. My dad was wearing a black watch Nana had given him and he wouldn't give it up.""So what happened?""They, uh," he swallowed before lowering his voice, "they shot him, Zo. He died.""How old were you?""Zo, it's a tough story, sweetie, I don't want you to have any-""Dad," Zola blinked, "I want to know everything.""I was your age," he whispered."You must've been really scared," she whispered."I was," Derek nodded, "Can I tell you a secret?"Zola nodded."I used to have panic attacks," he whispered as he pressed his lips into a thin smile, "Your Nana reminded me that I used to have panic attacks and hide in my room."Zola exhaled, "Were they like mine?""Yeah," he nodded, "I uh, I used to break out into a sweat and crawl to the corner of my bed and freeze. Everything around me would move except me and it was terrifying.""So you know how I feel?""A little," he shrugged, "I wasn't going to tell you but I figured that you should know that we're not perfect. I know you see us that way but, we're human Zo.""But you're a really important neurosurgeon," Zola shifted, "You're a board member, the residency director and people depend on you. You're always there for my Bailey and Ellis and me and your always-""That's my job, Zo" he smiled genuinely, "My job is to be your dad and give you everything I have. My job is to protect you and raise you to be a kind person. And make sure you know how amazing you are.""I would give up every single job I have to make sure you and Bailey and Ellie, and your mom, are okay."He continued, "I know that right now it feels like you're not. It feels like there's something wrong with you and that the world is too much. But I promise you, it will get better. And one day, you'll have everything you need to make sure what you feel doesn't get the best of you."Zola rested her head on his shoulder as he wrapped his arm around her and pressed a gentle kiss on her forehead."You're so brilliant and amazing, Zozo," he whispered, "You make me want to be a better person every day and I am so lucky to be your dad.""Hey," Meredith peered into the bedroom that once belonged to her husband, "Are you snooping through your Dad's old things?"Bailey turned around, his face giving himself away like when he was caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar. The one they used to stow condoms in."He had a lot of cool things," Bailey smiled."Mm," Meredith raised a brow, "It's like a treasure hunt? About Dad?'Bailey nodded enthusiastically, "Kinda a little too old for treasure hunts, Mom, but yeah. Kind of like that."Meredith hummed unsatisfied with his response."This was in one of the drawers," he sighed as he showed her a ratted paperback, "I think it might've been his favorite because it's ripped in some pages.""Oh," she walked in and sat on the bed with him, "The Sun Also Rises. It is his favorite but I don't think this book is right for you just yet."Her fingers tapped on the cover. It had been one of the first secrets he'd shared with her. She'd felt he had opened up everything but when his wife showed up, he was suddenly a closed chest all over again.Now, she wasn't so sure."What else did you find?" She turned to her son as she held onto the book."Some old pictures of him and his sisters. And Nana. And one with him and his dad. And I think Uncle Mark," Bailey took the pictures he found and showed her, "Mom, what happens if Zola likes the school here? Are we gonna move?""Zo hasn't made a choice," Meredith shook her head, "But if she does, chances are we'll move. How-how do you feel about that?""I don't know," he shrugged, "We've only lived in Seattle.""You're dad and I have lived there a long time too, sweetie," she sighed, "It's not easy for us but we'd do anything to make sure you're okay. And you and your sisters mean everything to us, we wouldn't do anything to hurt you."Bailey nodded as he carefully placed the pictures on the nightstand. He turned to her and smiled gently."Mom?""Yeah?""I'm sorry I scared you when I was in the hospital."Her heart broke at her son's need to apologize for something completely out of his hands. Something that was no one's fault except a man who wasn't paying attention to the road.Meredith sighed and stepped back into the bedroom, "Bailey, I'm your mom."She pushed back his hair and smiled tightly, trying to suppress the tears, "I am always going to worry.""Where'd you find it?" Derek leaned against the door and stared at the book in her hands.Meredith smiled, "Bailey was snooping. He's curious about things and I don't think I should let this stay in there. Anything else I should worry about him finding in there?""Nothing too interesting," he chuckled as he closed the door behind him and walked towards the bed, "Ellis?""Fast asleep, your mom wore her out,"Meredith answered as she kept reading the book, "She gave her some needles and they started a scarf. Then she read her a storybook and had her fast asleep. She is loving the attention."Meredith giggled as he climbed on the bed and kissed her gently. He pulled back and kissed her again, and again."I warned you," she kissed him before whispering and wrapping her arms around his neck, "No sex in your mother's house.""I didn't say anything," he whispered back with a light chuckle. He kissed her one final time before pulling himself off and flopping next to her, "I'm just kissing my wife good night."Meredith laughed. She knew better than that. He was pushing away whatever was bothering him and masking it with something else. She mentally debated what she was about to ask. She'd ask. One simple question only. If he talked about it more, she'd listen. If he didn't, she wouldn't press any further. She'd simply shut the book and suggest they'd go to bed. That's what she'd do."Am I right to assume that the shop was the same one where your father-""Yes," he cut her off as he swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat, "It was."His jaw locked. She noticed the way his teeth clenched together and how he rubbed his forehead with his right fingers. He'd done that whenever he was stressed.She wanted to ask more. There was so much she wanted to ask. But she couldn't."We should go to sleep," she whispered."Yeah," Derek whispered back as he pushed himself off the bed."Couldn't sleep?"Meredith jumped and gripped the glass of water tighter, "Oh!"Carolyn turned on a lamp light and slightly chuckled as she watched her daughter-in-law compose herself, "It's just me.""Carolyn, you scared me," Meredith exhaled."What are you doing up? You had a long day."Meredith wrapped her arms around herself, "Just thinking about Zola. She hated the school and it just feels like too much to take her to Boston for now. Which, by the way, do you mind putting up with us-""You finish that question Meredith and I promise you'll be forced to stay here longer," Carolyn raised both her brows with a teasing smile.Meredith chuckled as she moved to sit across from her."How has Derek been doing?" Carolyn asked, "Was he okay at the shop?""Derek is Derek," she shrugged, "You know him, he tries to make everything fine and-""And?""He's not fine," Meredith shook her head, "I don't know if it's what's happening with the kids but he's been distant. And quiet. And it's like he's so far away I cannot get to him. And today at the shop he was…lost."Carolyn nodded, "Derek had a hard time when his dad died.""I was surprised he came back to New York after he finished at Bowdoin," Carolyn sighed, "He had gotten accepted in different med schools and he chose to come back here.""You didn't want him to come back," Meredith understood, "He said he came back because of Amy.""He did," Carolyn nodded, "He wanted to take care of his sister and be a good big brother when he should have been focused on his studies.""He did quite well for himself," Meredith grinned softly, "He's a world class surgeon with an impeccable reputation.Carolyn laughed, "That's why his head is filled with air."Meredith joined in the laughter. Things would be different if she couldn't laugh about him with her. Carolyn had always been one to see straight through things and ready to call things exactly how they were.As their laughter died down, Meredith studied the woman. She had the same distant gaze her husband had."I love my son," Carolyn pressed her lips in a tight line, "But back then, before Addison and Mark, I knew he needed to be away from the place that took his favorite person in the world from him.""I was angry when he called me to tell me he was leaving for Seattle. I felt like I was truly losing my son," Carolyn turned away as she wiped her tears, "But, he met the love of his life there. And he's built the most beautiful family. It's so much more than I could have ever wanted for him."Meredith smiled gently. She would deny she ever cared for it, because Derek was a grown man and he knew what he was doing. But now that she had children of her own, she saw what that meant. To know your child had found someone they loved so much they were willing to offer their life forever."You should go to bed," Carolyn stood from her seat, "You have a lot on your mind and you need to take care of yourself if you're gonna be okay for those kids.""Carolyn?" Meredith called out as she turned to where the woman stood, "Thank you. For taking care of the kids?"She watched as her mother-in-law gently smiled and walked out of the room. Meredith sighed. The Shepherds were so complicated. So twisted in a maze of sadness and tragedy. Sometimes it baffled her how much she still didn't know and sometimes she understood the need to bury it all.She stood up and shut the lamp off.Tomorrow would be a new day.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
For all that was said about Ellis Grey Shepherd being her mother's twin, there were moments where she was practically a duplicate of her own father.She clung to the rails of the ferryboat as the wind blew against her face, her blond tresses blowing gently in the wind as she stared into the vast body of water. Derek watched with a slight smile on his face as her brow furrowed from his seat against a wall."Hey," a voice intruded his thoughts, "You okay?"He looked up to smile at Meredith as she sat next to him. She'd gone off to reschedule their flights and surgeries. She'd been on top of everything and had made sure Zola needed to be where she needed to be at the right time. This trip was all her doing and for that he couldn't be any more grateful. And he also knew that if he had tried to intervene in any way she'd bite his head off. She was the Little Grey Shepherds mother after all, and she protected them fiercely."Look at her," He nodded and nudged to the blonde girl at the railing, "She's just so concentrated. So quiet. So peaceful. It's like she's not even our kid. Which, speaking of, where are the other two?""They're off getting snacks," Meredith laughed, "Ellis, don't lean over too much, lean back a bit."The tiny blonde turned to her with a slight grimace. She took a step back and sighed as her chin once again rested on the rail.Meredith rolled her eyes. Typical of her daughter to give her even the tiniest of attitudes. She couldn't even begin to imagine what her teenage years would look like if she was truly like her."I'm gonna ask you a question and I need you to be honest with me," Derek said without turning to her."Okay.""Why did you reschedule Zola's tour in Boston for tomorrow?"He turned to her as if he already knew the answer and was just awaiting her to confirm his suspicions."We wanted to spend the day with the kids, I mean your mom agreed, Bailey and Ellis couldn't just stay at her house and not see the city," she chuckled before continuing her ramble, "I mean you're sitting over here drooling over how cute Ellis is like you haven't seen her do this a million times already.""Okay fair point," Derek nodded, "What else?"Meredith's eyes widened, "Nothing else! I'm being serious.""Right, it's not the convenient fact that Boston happens to be where you lived most of your life."She turned to him to meet his eyes. She'd been caught, those damn blue eyes could always see right through her, "Crap.""Yeah, 'crap'" Derek laughed, "What's going on?"God, he sounded so much like his mother. He'd apparently inherited her way of reading people and knowing what to say to get them to spill. It annoyed her and quite honestly, living with that quality could be annoying.Like this very moment."It's Boston," she scrunched her nose disgustingly, "It'd be different if I were going on a conference visit by myself or even with you, but there's a chance we may end up there and I'm not-"A sudden epiphany hit her. Derek had the same feeling when she offered New York and he didn't even bother to hide it. He simply avoided as much as he could and now she was doing the same by hiding behind her children's needs.She shook her head at his stupid smug look, "I get it now. New York has baggage for you just like Boston has baggage for me."Derek's laughter died down as he faced forward again, "Yeah, it's different when there's a chance you'll end up in a place you resent again.""We would look into the two places with all our childhood trauma," Meredith turned to him with a smirk."Yeah, we're a great team," he shook his head to his daughter who'd run back to him, "Hey, what'd you two bring us?""Nothing," they chorused before Zola offered a small bag of popcorn to Ellis who had run to the pair to eagerly grab her own bag, "But we can share.""Daddy," she pushed her hair back into place, "What are we doing next?""Well this ferry is taking us to the Statue of Liberty and I'm pretty sure you're all gonna ask for food so-""Pizza!" Bailey declared as he and Zola approached them with bags of chips in their hands, "We should get pizza.""Yeah, you claimed the pizza here was good and you don't even eat any," Zola teased."You know they're mean to me because of you," Derek turned to his wife who had been doing her best not to laugh, "And they have an affinity for pizza because of you.""Well if there was any need for proof they're my kids, it's right there," Meredith smirked as she reached to take some popcorn from Bailey's hand. She raised her brows at him as he furrowed his brows in slight protest. Meredith winked at the boy and earned a sincere smile. He offered her more, of which she kindly turned down."Okay, well besides your beloved pizza," Derek continued on, "What else do you want to do?"Giggles echoed as the front door opened. Carolyn turned to the archway that led to the front door with a wide grin."It's been years since giggles like that rang through this house," she smiled at the children that walked in, "Did you have fun.""So much fun, Nana," Bailey beamed, "Dad took us to see the Statue of Liberty-""And to the Hall of Science-," Zola smiled."And we went on the ferryboat!" Ellis shouted excitedly, "It was so much fun!"Carolyn laughed at the contagious excitement spilling from her grandchildren. In the short time she'd spent with them, she could see they were generally very happy children. They were caring and respectful and quite unique from each other. Zola gravitated heavily to her studies, always absorbing information and wanting to know more. Bailey also had a natural curiosity that particularly focused on how things worked. And Ellis couldn't and simply wouldn't keep still. She wanted to do everything and anything and yet, there was also a quiet nature to her that Carolyn couldn't decide if it was inherited from her mother or father.They were a perfect combination of their parents."It sounds like you had a day!" Carolyn beamed as she smiled at the proud mother walking in behind them, "Derek's still out in the car? Are you kids hungry? I could whip something up.""He's paying the driver," Meredith nodded, "Oh, no, thank you, these guys are still full with pizza.""Pizza? Oh, where did your dad take you?""That place dad used to take us when we were kids," Derek's voice echoed as he closed the door behind him and walked into the kitchen.Meredith took that as a cue and motioned for the children to go upstairs, "C'mon guys, let's get you three showers, Zo's got another big day tomorrow."Derek watched as his faithful trio followed their mom. He smiled at his wife before she disappeared."You loved it when you and Dad used to sneak off on your own," Carolyn chuckled, "You always looked forward to it."Derek chuckled, "I just told Meredith that story yesterday. She got a kick over how he first took me out to the ferry boat because I snuck out of-""Oh, you gave me a heart attack that day!" Carolyn burst into laughter, "Your father tried to calm me down right after I spotted you two make your way to the theater, Nancy, Kathleen, and Lizzie were in tears because they wouldn't stop laughing. They said that it was about time you ran away!"Derek laughed, "Can you blame him? He hated going there just as much as I did!"Derek wasn't one to talk about his father, Carolyn knew that. He kept him close to his chest and wasn't always known to talk about him even in the fondest of ways. Addison knew a lot, because she'd joined the family when the youngest Shepherd was looking for someone to understand her. And Addison had been kind to her, so Amelia trusted her with a sacred story. She wasn't so sure Derek had opened up just as much as Amelia had back then.But now, hearing that he had shared a sacred memory with his wife, well, that told her everything."You and your father were inseparable," Carolyn sighed as she watched his laughter die down, "You and Bailey must be the same?""We are," Derek smiled, "Although right now, Lucas is his favorite. He goes to most of his soccer games, takes him out on the weekends. It's nice."Silence lingered in the air as he tapped gently on the counter. He could hear very faint conversations in the upper floor coming from the kids and his wife. Never in a million years, did he think a moment like this would ever happen. To be in his childhood home, conversing with his mother, and his family upstairs."You seem happy," Carolyn observed. His eyes looked up to her. They were riddled with happiness and a tinge of curiosity."I do?""Mmhm," she smiled, "It's good. To see you with your family. You always wanted kids.""Well I did have a big family. A little crazy, a little messy, but it was good," he sighed as he took a seat opposite her, "Then Meredith came along and I wanted that with her. The good and the crazy. I wanted it with her."Not the messy. Carolyn noticed how he left that out and she was certain it was no mistake. Because 'messy' meant that someone had been hurt one way or another.Carolyn hummed, "Not to sound like an over intruding mother but how are you two doing?"Derek raised his brow and grinned, "Right, not intrusive at all-""I was there when you were unkind after the accident, remember?" Carolyn reminded him, "And I know how hard it can be with busy jobs and parenting.""We're…good," he smiled, "We fight and bicker over the dishes and carpool and drop-off and stuff like that but, we're good. We're really good."She was the messy one. He was the obnoxious over organized one. He was lenient and doting. She had to set her foot down. Total opposites. And somehow, they still fit together."Things with kids and big jobs can often-""Ma-""I'm just saying," she sighed at the sight of him shifting uncomfortably, "It's a lot with everything happening with your kids and it can be easy to take it out on each other. Don't leave each other out in the cold to suffer.""I get it, thanks," he nodded, "How are my sisters?""You should call them," Carolyn laughed, "I'm sure they'd like to see your children."To his relief, his phone rang, "Oh look your other daughter. You know the one that lives out in Seattle with me?"Carolyn rolled her eyes at what he was implying. Despite what people thought, Derek had been the most protective over Amelia. And the hardest. He had tried to shield her and protect her after witnessing their father die right in front of them. He'd promised her long ago he'd be the one to step up and take care of her. He'd watch out for her and he'd make sure she'd be okay. A few years later, he'd be standing over her, trying to revive her."Amy, c'mon, Amy c'mon!" it felt as if the compressions weren't enough. She was slipping from him and he could feel it, "She-she- did anyone call a freakin ambulance!""I called them, they're on their way," Nancy yelled as she ran out of the house, "I thought you said she was fine when she was with you! ""She was!" Derek continued compressing, "Check her bag, check if there's anything-""Oh my God, Derek," Carolyn whispered as she looked at him. He continued to compress. He couldn't stop. Not when he'd promised she'd be okay. Amelia needed to live.
He looked up from the lifeless body to quickly glance at his sister's direction. His heart couldn't fall any further and he was sure there was no heartbeat within him any longer, "Those are my prescription pads."
Carolyn swallowed at the memory and walked to the counter behind her, "I spoke to her last week. Send her my love."Derek nodded, "Hey, everything okay?"On the opposite line, he could hear the shrieks of an excited Scout, "Yeah, how about you? You doing okay?""I'm okay, mom says hi," Derek smirked at his mother as she reached for three mugs from the cabinet."Oh good, you're still in New York!""Yeah, we're taking the train to Boston tomorrow and leave back home the day after, what's up?""I got a call from Catherine. She's in Boston and wanted me to fly out to run some scans for her," she sighed, "But I'm tied here.""Have any symptoms returned?""She wouldn't tell me- Scout, don't put that in your mouth, take Dine-O- Can you meet with her? She just needs a quick consult?"As if on cue, Meredith stepped into the kitchen. He saw her whisper something to Carolyn and reach for the small basket of tea bags. They'd promised this trip was not a work trip- except for the occasional check in that was required by the chief. This trip was designed to focus around their children- and truthfully Zola. A quick break to reassess what they needed to find a fix to the rupture in their lives."I know, I know, I know it's not a work trip and you're focusing on Zo but" Amy sighed over the phone, "But she made it seem like Richard isn't aware which worries me.""What's going on?" Meredith mouthed as Carolyn poured water into her mug. Meredith smiled at her thankfully before aligning the other two. She looked up at Derek expectedly.He sighed in defeat as he pressed the button to place his sister on speaker phone, "What do you mean Richard doesn't know?""Well he's out here, Derek," Amelia's voice blared through the speaker, "Am I on speaker? Do you have me- who's in the room? Oh my God, is mom in the room? Is Na- get me off-""Amelia," Meredith leaned over to make sure Amelia heard her better, "Richard doesn't know what? What is he doing out there?"Amelia groaned, "He gave a lecture to the interns- unplanned he just popped in and he's here for a few days. But Catherine made it seem like she already knows what those scans are showing so you, Derek, need to get your ass over to her tomorrow. Please."Meredith sighed as she looked up at Derek, "It's Richard. We owe it to Richard.""Fine," Derek surrendered, "I'll meet with her tomorrow."Meredith pressed her lips in a tight smile. Work interfering with this trip was the last thing they needed. But the truth was that this particular situation wasn't just work. Richard was family. A father figure to Meredith, a mentor to Derek, and a close friend to Amelia. He was something to everyone.He took the phone and moved away muttering something about needing details and scans emailed to him as soon as possible."Well you two don't have it easy do you?" Carolyn asked Meredith as she took her own mug in her hands.Meredith shrugged, "Nothing ever stops at Grey Sloan.""I got that since the day I first stepped foot there," Carolyn chuckled, "Did you and the kids have a good day?"She couldn't remember a day where her focus had been one-hundred percent on the family she had. On the three children she never imagined, on the husband who showed her a different look at life. Even in their escapades to the beach here and there, an email would land or a phone call with a brief consult would never fail. This time, her phone didn't ring with any pages or emails. It didn't pull her away from her kids. Her phone's only job was to take as many pictures as possible.Meredith smiled as she thought about the photo she'd taken on her phone. She'd taken many. Far too many. Some candids where they were giggling. Somewhere they were purposely making silly faces at her. And some where they posed proudly next to each other. And a few where their dad popped here and there. She was certain he'd taken just as many on his phone and now their shared folder would be filled with an infinite amount of photographs."The best day," Meredith softly answered.If Derek Shepherd had a closed chest in the back of his closet, Meredith Grey had chains and locks at the doors of her closet. There was no room to even peek at it.Boston had always been a place she wasn't fully content with returning for and she had her reasons."What if this one's also bad?""Zola," Derek chided as he followed her onto the campus, "What did we say?""Open mind," Zola rolled her eyes.She walked with her hands stuffed in the pocket of her sweater and looked around. This time, her parents had elected an all girls school where they wore navy pants and navy polo shirts with the school emblem sewn on. She could already sense this could be the total opposite of the other schools."Brookline STEAM has one of the best science programs in the country and I know that Columbia has your attention because of your dad, but Harvard Med is right across the street.""Mm," Zola hummed much like her father, "But seriously, what if this one isn't-""There's another one in New Hampshire we can look at next," Meredith embraced her, "and if we can't find one well then we'll just homeschool you.""Now we're talking," Zola smirked."Nice try," Derek laughed, "She's kidding we're not giving up.""Okay, what do you need?" Meredith asked as she sat on a concrete block in front of her daughter, "Do you need to take a few deep breaths? You need a minute?"Zola shook her head, "I'm fine.""Okay," Meredith whispered, "You are an extremely gifted child. And we are just making sure you do great. And you'll do great in a school where other kids are as gifted as you."Zola turned to her dad who shrugged, "Don't look at me, I'm Team Mom."Their daughter glanced between the pair and shook her head. He was always Team Mom. At least until she'd batted her eyes and swayed him to Team Zola. But this time, she was sure she'd lose. His allegiance had been clear since the beginning of this whole ordeal.Meredith giggled, "We'll pick you up later.""Good luck, Zo," Derek called out as she began to make her way through the doors."Hey, wait a minute," Zola turned to them swiftly and paused as the other girls walked in, "What are you two gonna do for the rest of the day?""Nothing fun. Very boring stuff, Zo," Derek winked as Meredith shook her head and nudged him, "All the boring things you could think of."Zola rolled her eyes, "You do know that I know that Uncle Jackson works nearby too, right? You guys are gonna go look at something cool, aren't you?""See," Derek smirked, "This is why you're looking for a smart kids school.""Stop it," Meredith nudged him, "Don't worry about what we're up to. Go!"Zola sighed and turned back to the path she was on. Her parents stayed behind and watched as she disappeared in the crowd. This was the third time they were doing this. The third time they were looking at a school that promised a safe space for a child like Zola. And if all went wrong, it would be the third one she'd reject. Time and options were running out, and they were both unwilling to give up."You're terrible," Meredith chuckled as she gently pushed him."What?" Derek scoffed, "You don't think she bought it? She's probably thinking we're gonna go cure some crazy disease in the few hours that she's here.""We gotta go," she sighed as she looped her arm around his, "You've got your secret project."Derek sighed as they walked off the streets of her childhood town. Meredith had grown up here. She'd grown up surrounded by brilliant medical minds and shielded from what most would consider a normal childhood. This was where his wife had formed her tough skin that was hard to break through even when everything and everyone was against her. He wondered if there would be any grand revelations. Any big secrets that he'd uncover, but knowing his wife, the most he'd get was 'this is where my mother ruined me' sorts of things.And he wasn't interested in knowing the other million ways Ellis Grey had hurt her. Not when he knew enough."Richard's gonna kill me if Avery doesn't first," he muttered, bringing back their conversation to what they were heading to."Okay, run it by me again. Do you really think her cancer is back?""I haven't even seen the scans, Mer," he shook his head, "When Amy and I went in a few years back, we knew the risks. We knew we didn't take out the whole thing and that the tumor would grow. We just gave her time.""What's your gut telling you?""That Zola might pull a fast one on us," he smirked."Derek," she nudged him. He was avoiding the question. Which meant his gut was telling him something bad. And his gut- his instinct- was very rarely wrong."I don't know," he sighed, "I just know whatever we find, Richard should know.""So do I need to text you to tell you I'm here?""I had a feeling you were in town," Jackson smiled as he leaned in for a hug, "I heard some of the interns fawning over-""You know it was funny years ago, it's not funny now," Meredith pointed as they walked together down a hallway, "Derek's here for a consult, I tagged along.""And you left the hospital in the hands of?""A very capable staff that I've been leading for nearly a year, thanks to you," Meredith looked at him pointedly, "Everything's fine, We're actually here for other things, the consult was last minute.""What other things?""Brookline STEAM has an excellent program for gifted students and we're checking it out for Zola," Meredith quietly explained, "Zola's been identified as gifted and her anxiety has worsened and so have her panic attacks so-""Woah what? Panic attacks? What do you mean?""Yeah, she had a full breakdown at school because she researched Ellis and put the pieces together that Maggie and I may have it down the line," the sight of Zola freezing on the stage was one she'd never shake.Jackson opened the door to his office and invited her in. She sat on a nearby chair and watched as he poured a glass of water for her as she continued, "She's under stimulated at school so her brain just goes in seventeen different directions. And her dad's a neurosurgeon - which is what she wants to be when she's older- researched this very specific disease so she's highly aware of what it is. ""How are you doing?" Jackson asked with concern as he sat across from her."Not great. I stay up reading pages and pages about it and I think "If I cure it, I can help Zola," Meredith sighed, "I feel powerless and I hate it."Jackson stared at her. He seemed as if he were deciphering every word that she vomited at the last minute."I sound ridiculous, I know.""Except you don't," Jackson sat up straight as an idea popped into his head, "What if you tried?""Okay, reminder I am running a hospital and we can technically blame you for it," she pointed at him.Jackson shook his head, "You just said it was running under a very capable staff. And I know it is."He placed the glass of water on the table in front of them and walked to his desk, "There are a few research proposals that I think you'd find interesting.""Oh God," Meredith sighed as she leaned back against the seat. Proposals were the last thing she needed to read."You brought your wife to distract my son," Catherine laughed as they sat in front of the empty monitors, "Nicely played Dr. Shepherd.""No, she's here on personal business Catherine," Derek laughed, "But it's helpful that she's distracting him. You know between him and Richard, I'm gonna end up a dead man.""You worry about the scans, I'll worry about my husband and my son."The scans popped on the screen."Crap," Derek muttered as he took an instrument and measured."Two-millimeters," Derek answered as she stared at it, "You need more treatment.""Well you already know the answer to that-""Catherine-""And as my surgeon you cannot say a word. Need I remind you of HIPAA?""You are no longer in remission, and your family thinks you're in remission," Derek leaned closer, "You and I both know your husband is practically my wife's father.""Dr. Shepherd-"" I can't lie to Richard. He would resent me for the rest of his life and rightfully so," he insisted, "And he would be heartbroken if you didn't tell him that you were aware of-""Dr. Shepherd, you and your sister saved my life. You gave me the most precious thing anyone could ever give me, which is time. Time I spent with my husband, my son and my grandchild. One day you'll understand-""Everyone keeps saying that lately," Derek shook his head as he sat next to her, "You need to prepare him.""How would you prepare your wife, Derek?""I'd tell her every day, how much I love her," Derek swallowed, "And I'd remind her that the time we've had, has been everything I could ever ask for. Even if it wasn't enough time.""You'd think she'd be ready?""No one ever is," he shrugged, "But these kinds of tumors, they're the kinds of things that just continuously hurt families and I don't want that for you and Richard or Jackson."Catherine looked back at the scans, "I'm not the only one with these sorts of tumors you know.""I'm well aware," he nodded, "I know of people who forego treatment because they're financially unable to get surgery or lose the battle before it starts because trials are limited-""So what if you start a trial of your own? To cure cancers like this?""Catherine, I have a job in Seattle and a family that needs me. Besides, the only reason why I did the Parkinson's trial was because I pulled strings with NIH and because I wasn't the lead on it, my wife was. ""I'm aware," she nodded, "I'm also aware that you are a brilliant surgeon. I would have the foundation finance this in Seattle, Boston, wherever you need me to.""Catherine-""Just think about it," she reached for her bag, "While I think about how I'm going to tell my husband.""You should consider this Mer. I mean it's a chance to cure Alzheimer's!" Jackson exclaimed as he tossed another set of papers her way."And move my family halfway across the country for a job?" Meredith scoffed, "Jackson, Derek nearly did that and it nearly landed us in divorce. I did that last year, and the hospital crashed and Zola started having panic attacks!""Well you quit neuro for him-""No! I quit neuro because I tampered with a clinical trial," she shook her head, "I stand by what I did but as an attending now, I would be pissed with my resident too-""Meredith c'mon!" Jackson moved to fully face her, "You went into general because of your mother-""I did not do it because-""Okay fine, you didn't. But it was hard for you to choose it because of her," he sighed, "This could be a step forward into healing the wounds she left behind. These guys in Brussels are not you and besides these are in your areas of specialty-"He was right, and the opportunity to research this was highly tempting. It's why she had accepted the Parkinson's trial in the first place. For a shot to cure the disease that had haunted her for years.But now, her children took priority. And one of them was here for different purposes."I have a kid who has gone through a lot and is here because she's desperate for help- and she can't even ask for it. So I'm desperate to help her," she explained, "I appreciate that you're considering this for me, I do, but I have to think about her. I have to focus on her because if she hates this school-""Alright, alright, I'll back off," Jackson raised his hands in defeat, "Just think about it. If the winds send you this way, consider what I'm offering."Meredith stared at the documents in her hand as she heard footsteps approach her. She stuffed it in her bag as she looked up at Derek with a smile."Hey," he leaned down to peck her lips."Hey," she smiled, "How was your consult?""Terrible," he sighed as he leaned his head back and sighed."No," Meredith blinked, "It grew didn't it?""I can't say anything. She swore me to silence and Catherine is a very powerful woman," Derek sighed as he thought back to her offer. He looked up to Meredith's eyes. Who was he kidding, he didn't need to verbally say a word for her to know, "How's Avery?""Relentless. He's relentless," she retorted with a chuckle as they shifted their conversation, "Glad we both had an eventful hour.""Yeah," he shook his head, "This trip has been something else."For a moment he considered Catherine's words and her offer. This was not what he was looking for at all. They were here for one thing and only one thing only so he'd focus on that.Across from him, Meredith also pondered her own offer. A chance to cure the disease that took her mother away and the potential possibility of a long future."Derek-"He turned to her, "How long do we have until she's out?""Couple hours," Meredith glanced at her phone to check the time, "What do you want to do?"Derek smiled brightly as he quickly glanced between her lips to her eyes, "Show me around.""See I at least told you where I was taking you-""If you shut up," Meredith rolled her eyes as she continued to walk ahead of him, "I will tell you- but you can't tell Zozo because I'll never hear the end of it."They'd taken a car to a neighborhood outside Downtown Boston, from what he could tell. It was lined up with brownstone-like homes. He'd noticed how she became nervous as they got off and how she walked quickly, as if she had crossed these streets so many times."Okay," he furrowed his brow as they stopped in front of a brownstone, "Why would Zola-?""This," she stopped short of the steps on a black door, "Is where my mom and I lived when we were here. In Boston."And suddenly, a lock was picked. A small look into the years she didn't quite remember perfectly. Derek quickly looked between the building and her with a grin, "Really?""Mmhm," Meredith smiled as she searched for pockets but she wore her brown plaid blazer and she had no pockets to hide her hands in. She was left fiddling with the strap of her purse and scratching the back of her head, "There's really not much to show you here but um, I figured that we're staying in your childhood home so fair's fair. I should show you mine-""I thought I'd gotten that in Seattle," he stepped forward, "Your mom's house."Her mother's house. The Frat House. Alex's house. The Sister House. It was all the same thing and he'd found out so much about the love of his life through pictures, journals, vintage martini sets, and books."It's not the same, I didn't grow up there, I mean I did but she took me at five years old so it's not," she watched as he inspected the place, "This is where I used to cause all sorts of trouble and sneak out the window to meet up with boys and do all sorts of inappropriate sorts of things.""Pink hair? This is where she lived?"Meredith nodded as she looked at the building. A brownstone home. The second home she'd known in Boston and for most of her life the only one she remembered until Maggie showed up in her life.Derek chuckled, "You wanna go in?"Her eyes practically bulged out of her sockets as she practically leaped to keep him away from the steps, "What? No! That's not why I brought you-!""Oh c'mon it'll be fun!" he teased as he took a step."No it won't! Derek-" She stood in front of him, blocking any path for him to continue up, "I swear you ring that doorbell, I will run away faster that you can call out my name."He was teasing, she knew he was. He was still a boy at heart sometimes and it was quite charming when he was around their children. But now, it was the most annoying trait she could find about him. She was ready to bolt."Okay fine, fine" he surrendered as he took a step back and began to walk away.Meredith sighed in relief as she turned to the door. It was still the same brown door. She pictured a young girl with loose blonde hair running up the stairs. Another art piece ready to show her mom. But she wasn't there again. She was at the hospital and she'd have to stay with the new nanny she had for the week."So was this-" the sound buzzer interrupted his thoughts. His head quickly turned to spy the source of it. Meredith stood frozen in front of it and turned to him."What did I do?"Derek glanced between his wife and the buzzer, "You rang it. You rang the buzzer.""Crap," she froze, "crap, crap, crap, crap"Are we running or are we staying?" he glanced at the door. The last time he was in this position, Mark had pushed him onto Mr. Robinson's lawn and ran away faster than he could get up.No one opened. Not yet at least. And he was slightly worried that if they opened that door, she'd freeze and nothing would come out."We can't run!" She shrieked in a whisper, "It's too late to run!""Okay then you better-"A woman opened the door, "Hi, can I help you?""Hi," Meredith smiled, "I uh, sorry, I-""Hi," Derek stepped forward, "I'm uh Dr. Shepherd- Derek, this is my wife, Dr. Meredith Grey-""Oh if this is about the outstanding bills-""Bills? No, no, uh," Derek softly smiled, "No, uh this is actually her childhood home and we were hoping you would let us just you know, take a peek inside.""Uh, yes," Meredith tried her best, "Sorry it's just uh, yes, what he said."The woman stared at them for a second, "You're not from the hospital?""No," Derek shook his head, "We're not.""And we understand if you-""What the hell," she sighed as she opened the door wider, "It probably won't be our home for too long anyway. "Meredith stepped inside the once familiar home. Beige walls had been painted a light yellow. The portraits of a young, happy family graced the walls of the hallway. Ellis never had pictures up on the walls. She had random things she'd find in her trips or keep the walls bare. No drawings Meredith made ever decorated the refrigerator and they were never framed like the handprints Zola, Bailey, and Ellis had made in daycare years ago."Uh, Grace by the way," the woman awkwardly introduced herself, "My husband and I did a few renovations to it but before that it belonged to another family. How long ago did you live here?""Oh, uh, very, very long time," Meredith turned to her with a swallow, "Are you sure it's not-""Mommy!" The voice of a young girl echoed from a room."Oh," the woman said, "That's my daughter."The pair watched as she hurried past them and turned to them once more, "Listen, I gotta go help her. Feel free to look around, just please excuse the mess."Meredith watched as she disappeared into the kitchen where the young voice had come from."You sure you want to do this?" Derek asked her as Grace stepped into the kitchen. He noticed how she had inadvertently retreated within herself. She was lost in her own thoughts."We're here already," Meredith shook her head as she glanced up the stairs. If there was one thing she'd learned from Ellis it was to mark everything, "I wonder if-"She climbed the stairs and stopped to approach a room. The room seemed to belong to a little girl, much like she was when she inhabited it. This little girl loved pinks and yellows and oranges. She had unicorns and stuffed animals. Grace's daughter must've been not more than five.Meredith exhaled as she recalled the many times she'd lock herself in. The times she'd read the same book series over and over again. When she'd slam the door after yelling at Ellis that she didn't care for her and there was no way in hell she could tell her what to do.Meredith turned to the doorframe and sighed."Nope," she sighed, "They're gone.""What were you looking for?" Derek whispered as he stood behind her."She kept marking my height even after we left Seattle," her thumb grazed the area where those marks should've been, "She, uh, insisted on marking it well into my teenage years and I found it annoying.""Mm," he hummed as he thought back to the marks in Ellis' old study at the house. Zola hadn't surpassed Meredith's marks until they'd moved to their dream house. Now each of their children had their own marks on their own door frames. And she never failed to mark their height the day after their birthday, even if Zola and Bailey now rolled their eyes at the idea, "This was your room?""Yeah," she sighed."I want to be a surgeon," Meredith smiled. An acceptance letter to Dartmouth had arrived and now she was envisioning a future ahead, "I think that's what I want to do. How did you-""You don't have what it takes," Ellis told her point blank."What?""You don't have what it takes," she looked up from her journal, "You'll never make it. What else are you thinking? You need another plan.""Can we go? This was…I shouldn't- I gotta get out of here.""Yeah," he reached to rub her back only for her to pull away."Um, Grace," she stopped at the end of the stairs, "Um, thanks we're gonna get out of your hair now.""Wow. That was fast," she crossed her arms, "I mean it's not a big home but-""Our daughter is uh," Meredith awkwardly gestured to the door, "We gotta go. Thanks again. We're sorry we bothered you.""What kind of doctors are you?" Grace blurted as they were about to exit, "I just- my husband has a brain tumor the size of Texas and it's killing him because it turned out to be cancer. I just- we got three kids and we haven't been able to find anyone who can help and you two seem like a pair of fancy-"Derek stepped forward, "He's a patient at Mass. Gen? Harvard Med?""No," Grace shook his head, "And before you suggest Mass Gen. or Harvard, I should tell you that the doctors in both of those places have already said they wouldn't operate. And, I'm desperate. Can you help?"Meredith turned to Derek, "He's a uh neurosurgeon- I-I uh- I'm gonna step out for a second and let you two talk."Derek nodded once, she was running. Running as fast and as far as she could go. And she'd left him behind.She hadn't run. Not yet, anyway. He found her leaning against a fence staring ahead at nothing."Hey! You okay?"Meredith turned to him and shook her head, "I shouldn't have gone in there.""Meredith-""I didn't want to go in there!" she pushed herself off and walked away. Her shoes clicked angrily as she took step after step."You rang the bell-" Derek followed as best as he could."I did, after you nearly forced me to!" she hadn't bothered to turn to him and he could tell he wouldn't be getting her to anytime soon. Hadn't she been the one who rang the buzzer?"I didn't force you to," he scoffed as he tried to keep up with her, "You-""Why?" she turned to him. Her eyes were red with anger and glassy with the tears she'd tried to hold back."Why what?""Why do you have this need to fix everything and make it right? Why the hell can't you just leave things the way they are, dammit!""I don't do that! I didn't push you to go inside the house! You went in there because you pressed the buzzer, I didn't-""No, you do, Derek!" she yelled as her hands failed around her, the slight Boston accent she'd tried to get rid of years ago slipping out of her, "You try to fix every little problem that sometimes shit just can't be fixed. And sometimes I find it charming and other's- I swear Derek I can't stand it for the life of me!"Derek blinked as he watched her turn away and march down the street once more "Then why the hell did you take me there?"She didn't have an answer to that. She just knew that the feeling she'd had in that house rushed back into her. A feeling she'd thought she'd made peace with."Derek, just-" she huffed as she turned back to him once more, "I'll meet you at the school."She stormed off with her hand clutching the black purse slung over her arm.Derek stood in his place, his mother's voice ringing in his ears.
Don't leave each other out in the cold to suffer.
The little boy with curly hair fell onto the turf. He froze as he assessed what was happening until his mother came and picked him back up. She kissed the top of his head and off he ran again. Meredith watched from the bench she sat on as the mother hovered gently. Close enough to help him when he needed it, far enough to grant him independence and learning lessons.She felt the bench slightly shift and the wind change as a figure sat next to her. She exhaled with a slight shake of her head."How'd you find me?""You talk about this park a lot whenever you mention Boston," Derek said as he sat next to her on the bench, "You and Maggie both played here but never met. At least that's what you theorize.""I told you I'd meet you at the school," she muttered as she kept her eyes fixed in front of her and her arms crossed. Stupid Derek Shepherd and his stupid ability to memorize every single detail of everything."You also promised you wouldn't go numb, right?" he sighed, "And I'm not leaving you out in the cold."Meredith scoffed as she refused to make eye contact, "I'm not going numb. I just don't want to talk to you right now. You're the last person I want to talk to."Ouch. A slice in wounds that'd once healed. He'd been the person she'd run to when things went south. Even when she didn't want to. She'd trusted him. They'd built a trust. He wasn't her person the way Cristina was, but he'd been her partner- her husband. But right now, she just wanted to push him away.Derek sighed as he stood from his place,"Okay, you're right, I'll meet you at-""No, Derek," she sighed as she looked up at him and reached for his hand, "Just sit."Derek sighed as he sat next to her. He faced forward as they sat in an uncomfortable silence, "Sorry I made you ring-""You didn't," she muttered, "I had the chance to walk away and I still rang it."Derek nodded once, "I still shouldn't have-""Can we not talk? I don't want to talk. Can you just be here?" she pleaded with a glassy stare. It was her turn to remain silent. Her turn to call the shots like he had after they'd gone into his father's old shop.Derek nodded as he looked at the crowd of children playing. A small girl was leading a trio of kids up the stairs. She gently encouraged one after the other to go down a slide until she went down herself."I get it now," Meredith's voice broke through his thoughts, "I get that she thought she and Richard were gonna move out of Seattle. She had this whole vision of what her life would look like, Richard and surgery. Only for Richard to back out and leave her alone. So she ran. Ran as far as she could and was forced to bring me with her. Forced.""Meredith-"She shook her head, "She didn't want to be a mom. It happened with someone she just didn't love anymore and he left and she was alone. And that's why she gave Maggie up. It's why I-I-"She kicked a rock into the sand, much like her daughter kicked some of her own when she was angry."I hate that I get it," she turned to him, "I should be mad at her and I should be angry at the fact that no one stood up for me when all I wanted was for someone- anyone- to be there."He shifted his body to face her, tucking his right leg under his left and resting his head against the hand propped against the back of the bench."I dyed my hair pink," she chuckled, "I'd sneak out of the house, I'd get wasted with a bunch of morons, I was an angry kid. I got into Dartmouth. I did everything I could short of being hospitalized because I knew she was too busy for me."Derek watched as she relived her childhood and teenage years right in front of him. She shook her head and took several breaths before continuing."I keep asking myself what she would say if she met the kids," she confessed, "it's being in Boston, it's weird.""And it's being around my mother," he looked at her knowingly, "The fact that the kids are around her."Meredith nodded, "Zola sees her as this great surgeon- and she was. But I wonder what she would say if she had met them.""What do you think she'd say?""She'd probably tell me I was doing a lousy job raising them," Meredith chuckled as she uncrossed her arms and tucked her hands together on her lap, "She always had something to say about whatever I did so I would expect that. She probably wouldn't be the warmest either."Not that she'd want them near her. She'd keep the innocence of her children as far away from the coldness of Ellis. Some part of Meredith hoped that she'd be wrong. That perhaps, the bitterness she felt after Richard left her would ebb away and she'd soften at the beauty her children are. Thatcher had expressed regret at never meeting them. He had presents for them and Meredith had shared just how beautiful they were. It was the last thing he'd heard before he closed his eyes forever."But I also think she'd be a little jealous," she looked off to see a mother embracing her son, "She wanted the house, with the family, and the husband and the job and she wanted it all. She just wanted it with someone she couldn't have it with."The little boy she'd been staring at fell once again and stared at the floor. His face contorted into one of determination and before his mother could pick him up, he pushed himself off and ran away.Meredith turned to look at Derek. She met the blue eyes she knew she could never hide from. The blue eyes that understood just how complicated this web between Meredith and Ellis was."I wish she'd gotten to see how extraordinary my life turned out to be," she whispered, "That it isn't remotely ordinary."Derek nodded, knowing full well what she meant and why she'd said it. He wrapped his arm around her and kissed the top of her head.Ellis Grey had been gone a long time. Too long. She had been gone long enough that Meredith had built her own extraordinary life. A life where she had a perfect dream house, three amazing, perfect children, an amazing husband, and amazing job,
I just have to say this…the reason I want you to have the surgery is because I have this hope that in a year or two years or five they're gonna have a breakthrough.
They're gonna find a cure for Alzheimers'. And you and I will have another chance to get to know each other. You'll have a chance to get to know me.
To see that I am not even remotely ordinary. So.. I wish you would have the surgery but it's up to you mom. It's your life.
Ellis stared back at her with a blank stare, You remind me of my daughter.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"Is she-?""Uh-huh.""And she's-""She is."Derek turned to her with a smile on his face, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?""Parenting win here," she smiled back as their gazes fell back on the young girl. The pair turned back to their daughter. The sight of a happy Zola was something they were not expecting but something that made their hearts burst with joy. Until Derek realized what a happy Zola could possibly mean.His wife had just had a moment in which memories she'd try to suppress had come flooding back to her. The image of her in his arms resenting the fact that she had never mended the broken bridge between herself and her mother would be something he would never forget."Mer," he tilted his head as he was partially unsure of whether or not he should pop the bubble they had just created at the sight in front of them, "She likes it. She likes it here."Realization set off all the possibilities that were just opened.But Zola was happy. Genuinely happy. And apparently she had made friends. She stood opposite another young girl with pink glasses. They giggled as they observed some sort of gadget balance on a string.If Zola liked it here, and she was adamant. The choice would be made. Boston could be their next home."She's happy," Meredith sighed, "Let's focus on that for now, can we?"Derek studied her for a moment. The Meredith in front of him was a different one than a few hours ago.The one in the park had been a version of her inner child always seeking approval from her mother. Approval she wouldn't get in life. Not alive anyway. But, as she once told him, she can't go back and change things. All she could do was continue on.And that was exactly what she was doing now. Moving forward for the sake of their children. Finding solutions to problems that seemed greater than life. Anchoring everyone down and knowing things would be alright. And fighting for everyone no matter the consequence. It's what he loved about her."Alright, so which one of us is gonna embarrass her and ruin the fun?" Derek asked as he turned back to their eldest.Meredith rolled her eyes, "Well you're not gonna do it, you hate being on her bad side, you softy."He laughed.As if on cue, Zola turned to the pair and smiled brightly. She let go of the string gently and handed it to one of the girls."Bye Zola," a girl with pink glasses and crutches smiled back, "Hope we see you soon!""Bye Matisse, bye Sonata," she waved back as she made her way to her parents.She nearly skipped toward them until her hands nervously clutched at the ends of her fitted blazer."How'd it go?" Derek smiled as she approached them.She twisted her mouth into a smirk of sorts, "It was okay."Meredith wrapped her arm around her arms as the trio walked together to the car waiting to take them to the train station, "Just okay, huh?""So everything's fine then?"Maggie laughed through the screen, "Everything is fine. No one has had an accident and the hospital hasn't blown up. You left a steady ship, captain."Meredith sighed in relief, "What about the clinic? Are the protesters still-""Protesting? Yes, and they will be for the foreseeable future so just focus on you and your family," Maggie seemed to be walking down a hallway in the hospital. She was still in her scrubs and had just opened the door to an on call room, "How is everyone doing?""Everyones fine," Meredith shrugged, "Boston's still cold and so is New York."She'd refrain from telling her the secrets she'd shared with Derek. That was for his ears and his only. And Maggie's image of Ellis was far too different anyways."Okay, well give them my best," Maggie sighed, "We miss you guys."Meredith swallowed a small lump. She did miss her sister. Both her sisters; Amelia and Maggie. She missed her home, her friends, she missed it all. But there was a wave of relief from being away from the heavyweight of the chief's hat. And some excitement at the possibility that something new could be coming."We fly back out tomorrow on the red eye so don't worry," Meredith smiled. They exchanged goodbyes before pressing the button and walking back into the restaurant, switching roles from the chief to mom.Zola's voice was the first thing she caught as she walked back to the booth."-the spinning wheels create an angular momentum and that's why it was going so fast," she looked up at her mother and smiled, "Oh, I was just telling Dad about the gyroscope I was helping Sonata and Mattise with.""They exchanged numbers and they are going to update her on their progress," Derek eyed her pointedly as she sat down next to him, "She has her own research project now."Derek eyed her as if conveying a message. Zola had made friends. Zola had fun. Zola enjoyed her time at Brookline.This was different from what they saw in the schools in New York and Seattle."Oh, wow," Meredith smiled, "You're gonna be a hot shot scientist huh?"Zola smiled and raised a brow as both parents beamed with pride, "It's just a project their doing."The parents turned to each other as"I ordered lobster rolls," Derek turned to his wife, "How are things at the hospital?"Meredith sighed, "Protesters are still outside Bailey's but Maggie says they're under control.""You're worried?" he asked as he tried to read her face."If something goes wrong, it's my surgical staff that are the face of the clinic which means that I'm the face of the-"Derek shook his head as the waitress arrived with their food, "Well there's going to be protesters for a while. Bailey can handle it and it sounds like she is."Zola listened intently as she reached for a fry, "So we have to go home right? So you can head back to the hospital.""No," Meredith did not hesitate to answer, "We are here for you. So no more work talk, tell me about the school."The train ride had been quiet with occasional gentle bantering between the three. Zola brought up facts and information she'd learned at the school. She told them all about Matisse and Sonata and some of the other girls she'd met. As she spoke, Meredith couldn't notice the glimmer of excitement in her eyes. A glimmer of wonder and curiosity that had all but dimmed over the last year. Seeing her daughter that way put things in perspective. It made things right and felt like things were finally being put in place.Even if she wasn't quite ready for such a thing."Hey, go inside for a second, I need to talk to your dad," Meredith instructed as they got out of the car that drove them to Carolyn's home. It'd be their final night here and a part of Meredith was sad to leave. They'd spent almost a full week spending time together, exploring, and discovering so much more about the Shepherds.But the ambitious and professional side of her was ready and refreshed to return to work.Zola scoffed, "Are you guys actually gonna talk? Or are you guys just gonna end up-""Zola!" Meredith chided as she tried to suppress a laugh. Zola's brilliance was sometimes too much for her own good. Then again, it was their own fault for nearly being caught too many times.She watched as he made his way towards her with her hand wrapped around herself against the cold New York weather. Meredith tilted her head as she inhaled deeply, "It wasn't just me right? You saw what I saw? She was happy.""Zo? Yeah, I saw it too," he nodded, "And by the sound of it, we've reached the point where we've grossed her out.""We've been there for a while," Meredith laughed before her eyes softened, "You think she liked it enough? You think we finally found one answer to the million questions we have?""Maybe," he whispered back with one nod, "How do you feel about that? Can you see yourself outside Seattle and out in Boston?"Meredith swallowed a hard lump as she looked into his blue eyes. If there was something Meredith Grey had epically failed in life, it was blatantly lying to her husband. He knew her too well and she'd learned to trust him too much."I-I- I," she stammered, "Derek, it's Zola. We'd do anything for Zo. But we have our other two who may not be too happy about it and we'd do anything for them too.""Okay, well we also said we'd take things one step at a time so we'll cross that bridge when we get there but I need to know you'd be okay with this," Derek insisted as his eyes searched hers. His hands reached to cup her cheeks as her thumbs grazed her soft cheeks."I told you, my focus is her and the kids," she rolled her eyes, "Stop worrying about me."Impossible, he thought. He worried about her always even when she'd proven she didn't need his overprotectiveness. He'd watched her in the darkest moments and pulled her cold blue body right out of the water, and since then, his fear of losing her to the dark was a great one.His hands softly traveled from her cheeks to her shoulders as she rolled her head back with a satisfied sigh, "You want to go to bed? I can have the kids get their things ready, get our flight pushed up-"She laughed, "You're really dying to get outta here aren't you?""We're lucky we've escaped so far without seeing my handful of sisters," he sighed, "It's been a long trip."He was right. Their trips in New York and Boston had been one of the longest for each. He felt suffocated in his childhood home surrounded by his past when all he wanted was to focus on his children and his future. And Meredith had felt the rush of disappointment in Boston when she had felt she had overcome a never ending pain."What's different about this trip?" Meredith asked gently as she wrapped her arms around his waist, "You've come to see your mom before, what's different about this trip?"Her green eyes searched his own for any clues. Anything that would help her find a way to open him fully. In the decades she'd known Derek Shepherd, Meredith had never felt so clueless. He was good at masking pain and setting it aside to help everyone else around him. And sometimes, he masked that pain by lashing out. This time, he was just masking and pushing through. She could tell.Derek leaned down to kiss her gently, "I just want to go home." He kissed her again, "To our house," and again, "And our own bed," and again.Meredith couldn't help the giggle that escaped her as he continued to kiss her, his own hands wandered down her waist-"Okay," the door burst open as the pair quickly separated, "I gave you guys a few minutes to yourself but I draw the line at letting you make out on the porch."They both gaped at the person who just opened the door and interrupted their moment."Liz," Derek blinked, "What are you- what-?"He was practically ready to run as far as he could, but the surprise of her sister made him freeze right in his place. The memory of the last time he saw Lizzie was hazy. What he did remember was how often she'd call to make sure he was fine. At least it was what Meredith had said. Aside from that visit, communication was limited to text messages. Quick exchanges of how everyone was, a picture here and there, a question of some vague memory."You know he'd do the same thing when we went on dates with boys," Liz smirked as her focused turned to Meredith, "I'm sure you probably didn't expect the entire truckload to be here so I should warn you-"Derek's eyes bulged out as he processed the words that were not directed at him."What the hell? What do you mean truckload-" Derek pushed the door back and stepped in as another tall, lithe woman stepped out of the kitchen and into the hallway, "Kate, what are you doing here?"Kate had been the one with little to no communication with Derek- much to the surprise of everyone. She was there the days when it seemed like Derek wouldn't be back. She'd been a shoulder to lean on but had gradually distanced herself until there was a firm wall between the siblings that only worsened upon a visit Amelia had made a few years back.Surprising to say the least.Meredith and Lizzie followed Derek inside. Meredith could feel her organs twist and bend in all sorts of ways. She could muster her courage to deal with Carolyn, she'd developed a strong sister-like relationship with Amelia, Lizzie was decent, but the other She-Shepherds, she wasn't so sure she could deal with that."I came to visit mom and to my surprise both of your mini-me's were here," Kathleen crossed her arms, "Amy's been a bad influence and has made you disappear."Another pair of footsteps came clicking into the hallway. Derek exhaled loudly as he rubbed his face. This was not the return he expected…or the one he wanted."Kathleen! You're not cornering them already are you?" Nancy asked, "Oh, looks like you are."Her gaze shifted to the outsider who'd been standing like she was a target, "Meredith, how are you?"Nancy had been…tolerable. She called. Messaged. Not as often, but she also put in an effort. She'd been- as how Amelia would put it- forgiving.Nancy moved to embrace her awkwardly, "Oh hi."Meredith pushed back and did her best to grin but she was sure that the only look on her face was one of pure fear and reluctance."Your children are gorgeous, and so well mannered," Nancy complimented before turning back to her brother, "Clearly they don't get that from you seeing as you're still standing there with your mouth wide open.""When did you get here?" Derek asked with a stupefied look on his face, "Who told you we were here? What the hell are you-?""Hey, the kids are in the room," Lizzie nudged him, "We're just missing Amy and we'd be complete but we all know we run her off so, that's that.""We don't run her off," Kathleen scoffed, "She's Houdini, we've gone over this. She's here one minute and gone the next.""Well she wouldn't be if we weren't so dysfunctional," Nancy retorted. The sisters continued to quietly bicker. Something about running Amelia off and blaming her for all sorts of things. Something about insisting Derek forgive Addison and that's why he never came back. Something about how Lizzie thought she was high and mighty since she had been the one to save his hand."Oh my God," Derek rubbed his face with one hand as he stepped forward, "I need to get out of here.""Oh stop being dramatic, you grew up with this," Nancy rolled her eyes, "Zola says you ate but I made pie, come to the table."The trio continued to bicker as they made their way back to the dining room table leaving the married pair standing in the doorway.Meredith turned to her husband, "You said you could push up the flight?""Why would you tell them we were here?""I didn't.""Really?" Derek's eyes nearly burst out of their sockets, "Then why are they here? Why are they all here? How did the three of them-""You know, it's not often that I have most of my children on the same side of the country. The day will come when you understand what that feels like," Carolyn scolded as she set a dish on the counter top, "Besides you leave tomorrow, don't you? One night won't kill you.""Except it will," Derek blinked, "I can physically feel my organs expire as I am standing here.""Are you still whining?" Nancy pushed him as she stepped into the room, "Why don't you grab a dish and help with the dinner table, it's the least you can do, Ellis practically cooked half of these with mom and it smells delicious.""You just decided to show up?," Derek frowned, "No warning, no heads up. You just showed up and bombarded my kids- who barely know you-""And whose fault is that?" Nancy raised a brow, "Besides, would you have stayed if we warned you we were coming?"Derek straightened his posture as he let out a long breath. Being in this house, with his sisters made it seem like the walls were closing in on him. Like the air was pulling right out his lungs. The years he'd been away from the women of this house had been years in which he avoided many things. Nancy's reprimands. Kathleen's nagging. Lizzie's endless battles.Small sibling things of their youth and the big things that have recently been playing in his head. Nancy's need to make everyone fine. Kathleen's criticism. Lizzie's competitiveness.He loved his sisters, truly. But the constant reminders of his own failures were something he didn't need them to see.They couldn't see failure. He wouldn't let them. He had one job and one job only. To protect his sisters.
"That's not your job, Derek!" Nancy yelled as she stepped into the house.
"Yes it is!" Derek yelled back as he walked into the house. She'd been crying over the moron that broke her heart for the millionth time and he'd gone with the intent to confront him. But Nancy had managed to stop him, "Dad said I had to-"
"Yeah? Dad said that? When? When did he say that?" Nancy gritted, "You're not dad! Leave me alone!"
"That's what I thought," Nancy nodded, "Look-""Nancy, if you say anything or make Meredith-" he quietly warned with a deep voice."Will you relax," she rolled her eyes, "We have all waved white flags years ago. We are all at peace, you are the one who needs to come to the table. Mom, where's the wine? I'm sure we're gonna need it."Derek turned to Carolyn and shook his head before they both made their way into the dining room."Gifted?" Lizzie's voice pierced through the dining room, "Wow, Zo, are you sure you're your dad's daughter?"Zola laughed, "It's a little..a lot. Mom and Dad have been trying to help me find a school that'll help."Zola secretly hoped that her parents wouldn't bring up the panic attacks. The last thing she needed was her aunts to make a big deal out of it.Meredith smiled as she reached to squeeze her daughter's hand, "We're looking at a few schools out here that may fit her needs, it's why we're here.""There's one in Manhattan right?" Lizzie turned to Kathleen, "Yours went there?""Only Maddie," Kate shrugged, "The others didn't really qualify and we all know what happened when Lucas-""Stop bad-mouthing Lucas," Derek sat across from his wife and next to his son.Meredith took notice at how his shoulders tensed the minute he sat at the table. She inhaled deeply and exhaled before making eye contact with her. He pressed his lips in a tight grin, an apology written in his eyes.Meredith smiled back.Lizzie's voice cut through once more, "What about you Bailey? Still playing soccer? Or have we switched sports yet?"Out of the three sitting at the table, Lizzie had always been the most involved. She'd sent presents, texted to ask for pictures, called on birthdays and holidays, she put in the effort. She'd also been respectful enough to respect the distance her brother and his wife had placed despite nearly losing her brother. She simply respected them. And for that, they were grateful."I still play soccer and baseball," Bailey gently smiled as he reached for the glass of water."Baseball?" Kathleen turned to him, "Your dad used to play baseball. One time, our dad caught him hitting baseballs out in the yard. He hit it so hard he smashed the window of his car."Derek looked up at his sister. How did she know this story?Kathleen continued, "Dad was so mad I could hear him yelling all the way to my room."Derek furrowed his brows, "Dad didn't yell."He had just told Bailey the story not too long ago. He'd been so disappointed at how he had handled Bailey hitting another boy, he felt the need to remind himself that his father had been patient. He kept his temper in check. Unlike him."Mm," Nancy put down her glass and nodded, "He did, Derek. You stood there so upset until you ran in and locked yourself in your room. He felt so bad afterwards and Mom yelled at him. He took you out to a game the next day."Meredith watched as Derek was lost in his memories. He stared blankly ahead for a moment before blinking and shaking his head. She could see him freeze internally. A memory he held so deeply had just shattered in front of him."What else have you been up to, Bailey," Lizzie continued questioning her nephew."I wanted to play hockey this season but I missed tryouts," Bailey shrugged."Oh why's that?" Lizzie tilted her head, "Did your dad-""He had some health issues," Derek interrupted, "Don't start.""What?" Lizzie smirked as her fork grabbed a piece of pie, "I was gonna ask if you inspired him, geez. You used to play hockey.""Yeah, until the incident with Michael Boetcher," Kathleen snorted as she took a bite of her food."Kathleen!" Carolyn chided as she sat at the table.Derek's jaw tightened at her comment before going back to his plate.
"Derek, it was not your fault," he could hear his mother's voice through the door.
"Yes it is mom! I'm the one who decked him! I'm the reason he can't move anymore! It's all my fault!" Derek tugged at his curls as he shrunk down the wall. He didn't mean to do it. They'd been running that play over and over and over again. Michael had gotten up and had continued with practice. He was fine. He even pushed Derek in the locker room and continued to rough house until he walked home. He was fine.
And then he was not.
Meredith sighed. The constant banter and giving each other crap was something she wasn't completely used to. Not with the other Shepherd Sisters. Amelia and Derek often did the same but the age gap between the pair often meant that they'd bicker, he'd overhover, and she'd annoy him. And sometimes, he'd been the father figure. Their sibling dynamic was different."How's uh, Amy? She doing okay?" Nancy asked with her eyes focused on the food in front of her, "I uh, read the article the three of you published, it was pretty impressive."Carolyn looked up to watch as her son answered."She's fine," Derek deadpanned as he glared at Kathleen.
"She was cruel," Amelia sniffed. She'd even missed the cold Seattle weather while she was in New York, "They both were. They just aired out every little thing I did and they're never going to see past the fifteen year old who just-"
"Amy," Derek interrupted with a deep sigh, "They just don't see you as often-"
"Side with me, Derek!" she implored, "Just for once, can you try to understand what it's like to be the freaking black sheep of the family?"Meredith's voice pulled him back again, "She's consulting on the trial every now and then and she has her own research going on.""Oh that's good," Nancy raised both brows with a curt nod.The utensils continued to clammer. Awkward tension was in the air."Derek was mentioning how Scout and Ellis are inseparable," Carolyn mentioned as she tried to cut through the awkwardness."Scout's a cutie," Lizzie smiled at the married pair, "That picture you sent with Ellis holding him? So adorable."Ellis perked up at the sound of her name, "I'm his favorite. I like to help Auntie Amy take care of him."Meredith laughed as she reached to caress her hair. The rest of the table laughed as well.And for the rest of the hour, everything was fine."Want to hear about the time your dad almost cried over his best friend putting his favorite frog in the microwave?" Lizzie leaned in closer to the kids."Oh God," Derek slammed his head into both his hands as all three kids perked up."You know I didn't ever think of you guys moving over to New York," Lizzie's voice echoed in the room.Meredith turned to her from where she stood- in front of the pictures she'd stared at countless of times.Meredith sighed, "I didn't think so either."Lizzie stepped in and sat on the couch, "Mom has dozens of albums. Dad was annoying about taking pictures for every little thing and when he passed mom became the same way."Meredith laughed, "Your brother's the same way."In the short days she'd been here, she'd discover that Derek was a lot like his father. Small little habits, interests, gestures, looks."He doesn't talk about him much," Meredith cautiously said, "He uh, very rarely brings him up. I didn't know how he passed until much later."Lizzie nodded as she turned to a picture of the family- their family."He doesn't like to," Lizzie sighed, "it's a sore spot because he's the one who-""Found him," Meredith nodded, "Amy mentioned it."Lizzie briefly smiled until it faded away, "Amy? She lets you call her Amy?"Meredith blinked. Amy was technically reserved for Derek exclusively. No one had a right to it except her big brother. But it'd slip so often that she grew tired of correcting her."It slips," Meredith explained."I uh, I'm sorry we're all here by the way," Lizzie sighed as she stepped back, "I forget that it's not-""He's your brother. He's family and so are the kids, I get it," Meredith nodded as she sat across from her. She crossed her arms defensively and instinctually. Lizzie was the warmest of the three- aside from Amelia."You're family too, remember," Lizzie whispered, "And I mean it, your kids are freaking' adorable. You officially outdid us all and they've won the golden grandchildren award- my mom's reading to Ellis upstairs now."Meredith laughed, "Thank you."This had been what Derek had once wanted. To be home- his childhood home. To be surrounded by millions of Shepherds and to give their kids a chance to have that big giant family. But something had clicked. He'd been happy to be in Seattle with one sister and the many friends they'd deemed family. He'd been satisfied with sporadic calls and occasional visits.A beat of pure silence passed between the pair before Meredith spoke up, "What happened to Derek after your dad died?"Lizzie blinked, "What?""What happened?" Meredith repeated, "He mentioned panic attacks and he's been…off. I don't know how to help him. And I want to- I just- Zo's been having panic attacks and I think it's sort of set off things for him just as much as me.""I don't know. It's a mix of things, Mer," Lizzie shifted, "You have his star nephew out there, his sister that saw everything the day our dad died, his best friend died out there, you almost died, and he almost died, and clearly something's going on with the kids."Lizzie wasn't one to mince her words. She wasn't one to pretend things were happy and healthy. She reminded her a bit of Amelia really, and she also had a mean streak like the other two."I mean don't get me wrong, he can be an ass just for the sake of being an ass but Derek has been off for years," Lizzie shrugged before continuing, "He's just really good at hiding it.""He hides behind the job," Meredith stated. Flatly. Knowingly when in reality, a lightbulb had just gone off.He'd become a neurosurgeon after their dad had been shot in the head and after a fatal blow had paralyzed a friend completely.Derek Shepherd had been a man who hid behind the job at every point of fear."I guess," Lizzie sighed, "I like to say he hides behind being 'the golden child' but that's because I'm his sister. I knew him well then. You know him well now. You're his wife."And yet, why did it feel like she knew nothing? Perhaps she hadn't given him the proper chance. Perhaps life had just dealt them too many crappy cards to see it well. Maybe he had been just too good at hiding."How's Lucas?""He's really good," Meredith smiled, "Bailey really looks up to him and he's always chasing after him. It's cute."Lizzie laughed, "Sounds about right. He was always Derek's favorite so he'd take him out to games and go to his practices. He was heartbroken when Derek left.""Sorry I kept him there," Meredith raised a brow teasingly.Lizzie shrugged, "He made a choice. And honestly, leaving New York has always been the best choice he'd made."Meredith smiled softly before Lizzie asked another question."Are you okay?"Meredith blinked at the unexpected question, "What do you mean? Because you and your sisters are here? I'm fine.""Hey," Lizzie sat up straight, "I'm just asking. Derek had mentioned you were chief of the surgery now and I know very well how being a mom to three kids can be. How are you holding up?"Meredith straightened for a moment. Internally she was ready to explode. Ready to jump right out of her skin and run as fast as she could from all her jobs and just…breathe."I'm fine," she pressed her lips together."Bailey takes after you," Nancy declared in passing as she entered the kitchen with dirty dishes in hand, "Ellis is pure Meredith and Zo is a healthy mix of you two. They are cute.""Mm," Derek hummed as he cleared the plate of food remnants in his hand, "Thanks.""Guess I was wrong all those years ago about -""If you call her what I think you're about to call her-" Derek turned to face her angrily."Oh c'mon, give me more credit!" Nancy exclaimed as Kathleen giggled, "She's good for you Derek we all saw it when we were in Seattle. Right Kathleen?"Kathleen shrugged, "He's always had a thing about strong women, and she certainly-""Can you please stop talking about my wife? Especially if you're gonna start criticizing and finding something to diagnose," Derek muttered angrily.Nancy rolled her eyes at Kathleen as if they were quietly having a conversation behind his back.Kathleen set the empty bottle of wine near the trash bin and cleared her throat, "So, how are things with Amelia? She hasn't-""I told you she's fine," Derek turned to her and shook his head, "She's fine even if you practically called her a drunk and ran her-""Is that what she's telling you?" Kathleen scoffed, "I did not-"Nancy shook her head, "It's not our fault she pretended that good looking guy was Owen. That was all her idea!""She was desperate to prove to you that she was fine after you all ditched her at her wedding!" Derek shook his head as he took another dish, "Talk about something else, I'm not talking about Amy with you.""Told you he'd still baby her," Kathleen muttered to Nancy before turning back to him, "Why do you still defend her? You never heard-""Drop it," Derek looked up to her, "Amelia is fine. She's been sober for years. Her son is thriving, she's thriving. She is fine."Nancy stepped back and sighed, "Fine, how's Lucas? Surely you want to talk about that. You must be happy he's out there following in his hero's footsteps."Derek furrowed his brows as he turned to her, "What's that supposed to mean?"Nancy sat on a chair comfortably and looked at him, "Oh you know, he was always chasing after you like a little puppy. And when you left New York, he was devastated-""Nancy-" Derek sighed. He and Lucas had made peace. He didn't need the constant reminder of his failures with his nephew."I mean things were a little iffy for a bit," Nancy slightly giggled as she turned to her sister, "I mean all of us had to basically vouch for him in med school. How many times did you call Columbia? I mean that's how he got in, right?"Derek swallowed, "I didn't. He didn't ask me to. He got in on his own.""Oh please,"Kathleen rolled her eyes, "We all know his limitations, he barely cruised by-"Kathleen always had something to say about everyone. She was unforgiving. The psych in her made her less and less empathetic."Stop it," Derek placed the dishes in the washer, "He's fine.""I'm gonna need more than that Derek," Kathleen rolled her eyes.She studied his face as he closed the dishwasher. He looked away from her and made his way to the counter where another bottle of wine was at."Derek? What the hell are you hiding?" Kathleen moved closer to him.As if they'd been summoned, Meredith and Lizzie entered the kitchen."Oh, good you're telling her now," Lizzie blurted as she reached for a wine glass and another bottle, "Better now than when she finds out. Mer just told me. You must've been scared for Bailey."Derek's head snapped up and glared at Lizzie and Meredith. He wasn't planning on telling. He couldn't. Not when Lucas had made it clear that he didn't want his mother to know the truth about Seattle. To know that there was so much happening and little she could do."What are you talking about?" Nancy asked as she reached for her own glass and took the bottle from Derek's hand. She served a glass to everyone, "What happened to Bailey?Their eyes met once again. A silent conversation between the pair of panic and being unaware of what was shared between the siblings. Meredith blinked as she opened her mouth to speak, "He-""The accident," Lizzie glanced between Kathleen and Derek, "You're talking about the accident right?"A pin could be heard. A knife could be cut through the tension. And just like a rubber band, it snapped."Derek," Kathleen stepped to him, "What the hell happened? What accident is Lizzie talking about?"He froze. Instantly. How was he going to tell his sister that her son had been in an accident. That he remained unscathed physically but the mental and emotional scars were there. And he bore responsibility."He was in a car crash," he swallowed, "He's fine, he didn't-""And you didn't give me the courtesy to tell me my son was in-?" Kathleen stepped closer to him as she stared into his eyes. Daring him to justify his reasoning behind hiding a crucial point about her own son. The same look Meredith had when she had found out about Bailey.A mother's pain.Derek swallowed,"He asked me not to-""Bullshit-""Kate," Lizzie leaned over to try to calm her down.Kathleen pulled her arm away and pointed at her angrily, "No, if this was your son, if this was Michael, you'd be yelling at him too!""Lucas is fine," Meredith stepped forward, "He's fine. He was not hurt. Bailey was the one who was hurt and he was the one who helped-""Oh so now we're blaming Lucas?" Kathleen turned to Meredith with an infuriating look she'd seen on the faces of Amelia and Derek and lately, Bailey."That's not what I'm saying!" Meredith insisted."Oh you are just defending-" Kathleen gritted."Kate!" Derek yelled at her, "This is not Meredith's fault! This is on me, leave her out of this!"Carolyn stepped into the kitchen and stared at the five adults in the room. Her son was furious, pointing at Kathleen who yelled over him. Nancy tried to get an explanation from Meredith and Lizzie was playing peacekeeper.This is why they never had any more reunions. Too many strong personalities. Too much pain between adults who never fully healed as children. Too much resentment. It was all too much.Carolyn made eye contact with Meredith and sighed defeatedly.Nancy turned to her brother, "Why wouldn't you say anything? How the hell did you stay quiet about this?""This is just like Amelia all over again," Kathleen scoffed as she threw the napkin on the table, "Typical Derek, you never change!""Kathleen! Derek followed her out to the hallway and out the door, "What the hell's that supposed to mean?"Lizzie, Nancy, and Meredith stayed behind and stared at each other."What happened?" Carolyn asked, "What the hell happened? I was upstairs with the kids-"Nancy sighed, "Lizzie came in here talking about an accident with Lucas""Oh great, so now we're gonna blame me?" Lizzie shook her head as she turned to Meredith who had been rubbing her temple, "I'm so sorry I didn't mean-""It's her son," Nancy shook her head, "Try to understand-""She's overreacting! This was no one's fault!" Lizzie deadpanned.The sisters continued to bicker and ever so often Carolyn tried to get a word in to no avail."Okay, all of you, shut up!" Meredith's head snapped up, "He didn't even want to come here. He didn't want to come and visit any of you because he knew this would happen! He has been avoiding the three of you and for the life of me, I could not understand why!""And according to you, why would he be avoiding us?" Nancy asked as she proudly crossed her arms.Meredith stood dumbfounded. Did they really not see it?The shouting and yelling coming from the front of the house grew louder and the four women inside ran out to find the siblings in a shouting match."What did you think that I wouldn't find out?" Kathleen yelled."I told him to call you-""Oh please, like you couldn't call!""My own kid was in surgery Kathleen!"Two siblings who once fought over toys were now fighting over their children and their once compromised lives."And you were off playing the savior card all over again!""Savior card? Kathleen, it was an accident!"Throwing knives and wounding so deeply that scars would remain for a long time."Him applying to Grey Sloan was because he was following you! And your wife played along!" Kathleen yelled, "Don't pretend you don't get a kick out-""I did nothing wrong! And neither did Meredith! She gave him a chance and she's been rooting for him so you dare blame her!" Derek shouted, "He applied to a surgical program because he hadn't matched anywhere. He applied like any-""And your savior complex kicked in right? It's why he's there, isn't it?" Kathleen darkly chuckled, "You constantly need to fix everybody and put them in little boxes so they don't get hurt?"And no one could get in between. Because the words that would be exchanged between the pair, would be words they could never take back. They'd be filled with feelings of resentment, feelings of those only adults who had their inner child beaten down at one point. Parents who were terrified and frightened at how cruel the universe could be and how it could easily take away their most precious treasure."Kathleen-" Carolyn warned."You've done it since Dad died!" she spitted out.And there it was. The torturous words that stabbed through him like a knife on an open wound. A wound he hid from everything and everyone. And now, it was gushing out."She's not wrong-" Nancy muttered under her breath as she added salt to the wound."Nancy shut up," Lizzie nudged her before turning to her other sister, "Kathleen that was cruel and you know it!""Why? You all know I'm right!" Kathleen scoffed, "Let's stop pretending that Derek Christopher Shepherd made it out of here unscathed and unbruised!""Kate-" Carolyn warned.Kathleen shook her head, ignoring all warnings before continuing, "Derek has always felt the need to protect and be everybody's savior because he failed to do the one thing he promised mom he'd do!""Kathleen!" Carolyn yelled again."He said he'd take care of Amelia," she continued bitterly, "And look how that turned out!""Amelia is doing fine!" he yelled back, finally mustering some courage, "What part of that do you not understand, dammit?!"Kathleen stepped back, a smug look on her face. A face filled with rage and resentment"Because you had to play daddy to her when she ran to you again? Admit it Derek, you get a kick out of it-""A kick out of what?""And wait, why stop there?" Kathleen continued, "Your savior complex kicks in because you couldn't be one the day Dad died!"A fatal blow. She'd twisted the knife hard enough and lit it all with flames.It all came burning down.Every feeling. Every cruel feeling he'd once tried to drown down with professional success came floating to the surface. But this time, there was no saving it.He'd left the scene seconds after. Gave one glance to his wife and made his way inside. Carolyn followed, calling out his name, and in seconds they'd both disappeared inside the house."You had to say that?" Lizzie gritted, "You had to-""Lucas is my son," Kathleen yelled as she turned to Meredith, "The least you could have done was tell me and not hide the way you almost did with my-""No, No! It's not the same," Meredith yelled back, "I get you're his mother, I do! And I sympathize but Lucas is an adult who made a decision for himself."Her focus was on one thing and one thing only. Derek. Get to Derek before the darkness enveloped him once more. She ran into the house and made her way to the kitchen. Carolyn stood by the sink and stared out the window."Is he out there?""He is," Carolyn swallowed as she stared out the kitchen window, "He's hitting some cans he found.""Crap," Meredith muttered as she walked towards the door."Meredith," Carolyn called out, "You shouldn't-""You know what Carolyn," Meredith turned to look at her with a frustrated and exhausted look, "I know your son quite well now. Better than you. And Derek can't be left alone and you can't push him too far either. I learned that when he hit my engagement ring with a baseball bat all those years ago."Carolyn watched as the outspoken woman closed the door behind her, "He did what?!"Meredith closed the door behind her and stared at him for a second. His jaw was locked. His hands tightly gripping the baseball bat in his hand. Each hit was harder and harder breath uneven as he hit each can with gusto, "What are you doing?""What does it look like I'm doing," he scoffed angrily. He set a can and wham! The can hit the fence and bounced to the floor."Derek," Meredith sighed.He turned to her as he swung the bat and reached for the cans to hit them again, "Meredith, go inside, I just-""No.""Meredith-""I said no," Meredith clenched her teeth, "Now you can keep hitting those cans as long as you want and you can be pissed off but I'm not leaving you out here alone!"He turned and harshly hit the can harder."I'm not gonna say anything," she continued, "I'm just gonna stand here because you're not alone, and you don't need to be."Another clang."Your sisters were cruel. They said things. They hurt you and you're angry and I get it because I know you. I know you think it's your fault. Your dad's death. Amelia's addictions. Your friend from high school. The kids? You think you're not enough and dammit Derek you cannot believe all of that!"He hit another can angrily as his breath quickened."I'm not leaving you out in the dark anymore!" she shouted, "And I'm not gonna let you blame yourself when you damn well know that what your sisters said is not true!"He hit another can."Your dad's death? Michael Boetcher? Amelia? None of it is your fault Derek!"Another and another and another. Until there was nothing left to hit.Meredith could see him breathing heavily. His back rose up and down and the bat was loosely held in his right hand. He dropped it with a clang on the floor and turned around. Blue eyes glistened with tears as he gasped for air.Derek needed her. Her husband had been torn apart and destroyed with words in the front yard of his childhood home. The childhood home he'd have so many fond memories of. Where his sister tore him into pieces in a way she could never imagine. Not after hearing about them over and over again from Derek. He loved his sisters. He adored them. He found them annoying but he blamed it on the fact that it was because he was the only boy.And yet here he was, broken, angry, and frustrated because to his sister, everything was his fault.And that was a feeling he always carried. A feeling he carried and hid well behind the success and accolades his career brought."It's not your fault," she whispered as she stepped forward. She placed both hands on each of his arms gently until he flopped into her arms, finding what he so desperately needed.Solace."It's not your fault," she whispered again and again.And even then, she knew he didn't believe it.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"It's not your fault," her distant voice echoed over and over. And usually, that sweet voice was all he needed to be pulled right back but all the air had been sucked right out of him. There was nowhere to turn, nowhere to run to because her arms were around him. And this, this pain, this feeling of helplessness was one he hadn't felt in a long time.He tried pushing back. Pulling away because his kids were upstairs in the bedrooms that once belonged to him and his sisters. And he had to push through. He had to push through just like he had all those years ago.And his patients. He had patients, and he'd promised Grace he'd help her husband. He needed to get back to Seattle and see those scans and at least attempt to remove that tumor.He had to push through. He had to push through just like he had all those years ago.But he couldn't. He was far too deep in the depths of water.He was drowning.She had no idea where she was going. No idea where the dark roads led her. All she knew was that she needed to leave that damn house. To take Derek and drive as far as she could in Carolyn's old car. So she ran in, grabbed the keys, and drove.The roads had been empty. By now children were asleep, people were in bed shielded away from the day's events or the events daily life brought on.Not for Meredith. Not for Derek."You should pull over here," he whispered as his gaze remained on the window. The lights of the small town glimmered against the pitch darkness.Meredith glanced at him as she pulled over to an empty parking space, "Derek?""Coming back here was a mistake," he muttered, "We should've left for Boston with the kids and gone back home."She watched as his eyes continued straight on with that glassy stare that scared her. She sighed, "What Kathleen said-"He sniffed, "She was angry. She was pissed and she's right I should've told her, he's her son and if the roles were reversed-""Lucas is an adult trying to find his way and he asked you to let him. You did the right thing, he made a choice it's not on you," she whispered quietly, "And what she said about your dad-"Meredith wasn't going to let him justify Kathleen's reasoning behind her outbursts. She blatantly blamed Derek for an offense he had no control over. He had no control over her son's decisions. No control over Amelia's choices. No control over two heartless people taking away their most treasured person in the world.There was no control for him. And Meredith knew he resented that."She's always blamed me," he stared at the empty road ahead of them, "She, uh, always needed to find reasons for why people did things and why they were who they were. It's why she's a shrink."That doesn't make it okay to say everything she said. She had no right even if she was hurting. She crossed a line."He raised his elbow and leaned against the window, rubbed his chin, lost in thought. Meredith stared at him for a moment, not knowing how to continue or where to take it from here.She held everyone up, he once told her. She was the one who brought everyone back and made sure they moved forward. Because they could survive the darkness. She'd been in the deepest darkest hole and she'd been out over and over again. And she'd be damned if she let him stay there."Do you want to take a walk? The fresh air might do you good," she whispered, "We can walk for a bit or just sit here and-""I want a drink," he reached to open the car before quickly glancing at her, "There's a bar up the block.""Derek-"He shut the door behind him and stepped forward. Meredith watched as he continued his trek before stepping off and following him, "Derek!""What?" he turned angrily."You can't just go off and drink this-""I'm not drinking this away-""Yes, you are. You're drinking and you're running and you're hiding," she yelled, "I wrote the book on that remember?"He stopped midway and turned, "I'm fine.""You are not fine," she followed him down the block as he marched away, "Derek!""What?""I've been patient! I have given you space! I haven't pushed but right now you-" she wanted to keep yelling. She needed to yell and get it through his head that here she was standing in front of him. Not begging to be loved. Not begging to be chosen. But reminding him of vows scribbled on a blue post-it.This is when she pushed, "Your sisters blamed you for things that happened years ago-""I can't talk to you about this!"She stomped her way to him, "Why? Why can't you talk to me about it? Because you're scared I can't handle it? Is that it?""Meredith-!""I drowned!" she stopped and stood her ground as she watched him stop. She couldn't see his face but she could see him thinking. His back heaved as he breathed heavily."I drowned because what my mother said to me was enough to make me quit and I did," she continued, "And you pulled me out! You pulled me out! You knew something was wrong, you kept hovering and you went out to look for me!"He turned to look at her, "It's not-""Yes it is!" She yelled back, "You are drowning! In your pain. In your anger. And you stopped swimming! You're giving up! And you don't get to give up, remember! I'm no quitter and I'm not quitting on you!"Giving up was easy. Hiding the pain away was easier. And there were many ways to hide it. To mask it and pretend it was nonexistent to the world. Alcohol would numb it. Drugs would take it away, Amy once explained. Meredith had given out and pulled away. She stopped swimming.But Derek? Derek lashed out to the world. He was a heavy cloud of darkness and anger. A man addicted to his own success and ambition because it was the one thing that proved he was good enough. Good enough to help and do things right. His identity had revolved around it. He needed it to prove he wasn't some sort of failure. But when things took a turn for the worst, he took it all out on the ones he cared for the most.
I'm not anybody I ever thought I'd…I'd be….I try to make the right choices for Meredith. The kids. You. And I'm angry all the time. I'm miserable and I don't know what to do with it. All I do is hurt people. The last people I want to hurt and I just…I just can't get control of it. I don't know what to do anymore.
What was the point in trying to help if you were just…a failure?
I'm never good enough.
"This is me pulling you out," Meredith lowered her voice and watched him slowly break. She inhaled deeply, testing the waters. She stepped closer and whispered, "Let yourself be pulled out, Derek."For a moment they stood in silence. She watched as he mentally decided whether or not he'd take her hand, and let himself be pulled out before he drowned any further."Did you know they did the same thing to Amy?" he finally asked, "When she came up here for a case a few years back? With Link? Nancy and Kathleen? They brought out all her dirty laundry and aired it for an entire night and I just-""You were supposed to be the one on that case," Meredith whispered knowingly, relief washing over her. It was a step, "She wanted space from him and asked you to do it instead but you said you couldn't because Zo had something going on at school that week, I remember.""I don't know how she made it out," He swallowed a lump, "Every time I think I'm fine, something- someone- reminds me I was the one in that store and I did nothing. And everytime I just want to... I hid. I hid Meredith!""You protected your sister. You didn't just do nothing!" Her hands cupped both of his cheeks as he forced his eyes on hers, "You were a kid! You didn't know they were in there to-to-""To kill my dad," he finished for her, "I didn't. But I- Everything I care about, everything I love- I ruin it. "She stared at him and released him. She thought about what he would do when she'd spiral about her own trauma. This was the part where he would shut up and tuck his hands in his pocket or lean against a wall. Where his eyes would do that thing and he just…listened.This is when she listened."My dad got killed, I ruined Amy, burdened my mother, I neglected Addison, I hurt Lucas-""Derek-""And I hurt you," he turned to her with a glassy stare, "I hurt you over and over again and now I am hurting our kids. All because I am still that broken twelve year old who made a promise he couldn't keep. That's all they see. That's all I am."He pushed himself away and walked to the path he started on."Derek Christopher Shepherd, where the hell are you going?" she asked as she stared at him, "You can't just say that and walk away!""I'm taking a walk, if I stay there I'm-" he turned with his hands stuffed in his pocket, "Aren't you coming?"Meredith blinked, not expecting the invitation of sorts. He wanted her to walk with him. He was willing to…at least let her hover. Something he never did. He always pushed her away as far as he could and hid every painful thing of his past.This time, he was letting himself be pulled out.They'd kept to themselves for most of the walk. They walked down the block side by side, hands stuffed in their own pockets, with a small distance between the pair. A comfortable and necessary silence. Every now and then, she'd turn to look at him without a word. His sight dead set ahead of him, lost in some abyss she couldn't quite reach.Meredith opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Consoling Derek Shepherd, being the shoulder for him to cry had never fully been her forte. She'd stand by him no matter what, she knew that- he knew that. But his life had always seemed so perfect that she never really needed to comfort the Derek she'd seen over the last few weeks. The only Derek she'd truly, fully comforted had been the one scared to death over loud sounds."Don't you have to be in the hospital today? I could've called a car-"
Meredith rolled her eyes as she turned on the engine, "Will you stop, I told you I asked for the day off."
"I'm fine, you know?" he whispered as he turned to watch her. She was focused on pulling out the car and the road ahead of her, "I can do things on my-""Derek, can you just let me take care of you?" she turned to him as they reached a red light. He was practically done with physical therapy. He'd almost attained full range of motion, but Callie had insisted on continuing. He was a walking miracle, and she and Owen would be damned if he wasn't back in the hospital doing his miracle cases again.
He smiled as he reached over to touch her abdomen, the proof of their 'more' hidden under her oversized shirt, "How's the baby? You didn't have any morning sickness today."
She smiled as she hit the gas once the light turned green, "I still can't believe I let you talk to me into-"
A loud honk broke their bubble of happiness. She hit the brakes as a green car sped in front of them. Whoever the moron driver was, had run a red light and nearly missed her. He must've tried to speed at a yellow light but never made it.
She gripped the steering wheel as her chest heaved up and down. Derek's hand firmly on her abdomen, protecting her and the child growing within her. Meredith turned to him, and instead of seeing his protective look, she saw a panicked Derek. Heavily breathing, pale face, staring blankly ahead.
"Derek?" She pulled over to the nearest spot and parked. She unbuckled her seatbelt and reached to cradle his face in both hands, "Derek? You're okay. We're okay. I promise you're okay. Look at me, we're fine!"Meredith shook the flashback away. She remembered he had started therapy the very next day."How many times have you been back to Wyatt?"The question took him by surprise, "For this? Once."She searched his eyes but he was nowhere to be found, "It went okay?"He could open up or he could shut the door. But something about being far from home- from Seattle- just made it different."I ran. It went bad," He grimaced, "She started with her brutally honest talk and it was just too much. It's different when it's you and me because we're both stubborn and we need that- she's good with the both of us- but it felt like it was-""Kathleen. Not as bad but still a gut punch. She was brutal and the thing with your dad is still delicate," Meredith nodded, "Wyatt does that. She says something and sometimes it forces you to think and sometimes it makes you run."He pressed his lips together and nodded, simply acknowledging that he was listening.She raised a brow and slightly smiled, "I quit on her the first time. Yelled at her to give me my chart back. I even chased her down to the bathroom."Again another beat of silence."Were you thinking of going back?""I don't know," he quietly confessed, "I went to get perspective and I just couldn't get any.""Perspective on what?""The kids," his answer was honest, "Lucas and Amy. Us.""Why do you need perspective? What do you mean?" Meredith asked. She instantly regretted it, scared that he'd push back and decline to answer."It's different this time," he shook his head, "I used to just be angry at myself about Amy and how I failed her. I thought I'd mended things with her. I thought I was past it."Their footsteps echoed in the dark as she continued to listen. She knew Amelia had been his Achilles heel for years. She was his weak spot. A constant reminder of their childhood and the pain it carried. But they'd also grown so incredibly close over the last few years."I thought you and I were fine- and we are, at least I think we are," he sighed, "But now it's the kids. Zola's anxiety, Bailey's temper and accident, and Ellis feeling neglected-""You're not the only parent."His head turned to her, "Mer I'm not-""If we're gonna start blaming people, you are not the only parent," she reminded him like he had to her weeks ago.He nodded, unconvinced at her words."I know that you trust her because we've known her for a while but," Meredith tried again, "Therapy is hard. It took someone like her to get me to open up but we're different and maybe Wyatt's just not the right fit for you. Don't give up on it just yet.""Thanks," he grinned sincerely."Your welcome," Meredith sighed proudly. She offered her two cents and kept a healthy boundary. Progress. Shrinks would be proud."You changed the conversation," she watched him, "At the shop. As soon as he mentioned your dad, you ran"Mr. Johnson, Derek thought. He thought back to the moment in the shop where he'd told him he looked just like his father. He meant well, but somehow it only felt like he had twisted the knife in the wound. His father wasn't like him. He was better. He was a far better man than he'd turned out to be, and he sure was a better father. At least that's what Derek had been feeling.Derek turned to her, "You want me to talk? About my dad? You want me to talk about my dad?""It's not that I want to," Meredith replied, "You need to. You need to talk to someone. I'm right here. You can talk to me. I talk to you about my mother- drunk and sober-I can take it I-""If I'm gonna talk and tell you everything," he nodded, "I need that drink."There was nothing quite simple about this bar. She could tell it had been a well established place. It was busy but he clearly knew his way around when he found an empty booth. They sat across from each other until someone came to offer drinks.She'd settled with a white wine. Not tequila, not tonight. She wasn't trying to forget anything and not running from anyone.He'd ordered his usual. A single malt scotch. Some things never changed."I promised my mom I would take care of them," he explained as he stared at the single malt scotch in his hand, "I took the job seriously. I got jobs when I was a kid- mowing lawns, shoveling snow, anything I could get until I could really get one at fifteen. I promised I would look out for Amy and we know how that turned out."He shrugged."Why Amy?" Meredith asked knowing there was more to the story."Mom used to say she was the most like dad," Derek adjusted himself and leaned against the wall. His body facing the rest of the people, and yet retreating himself from the world, "And she couldn't always reign her in so, I promised."Meredith sipped her wine as she thought back to the endless amount of bickering she'd witnessed. His overprotective self had very clearly made it known that he didn't approve of her sudden marriage to Owen. They'd fought days before only for them to reconcile in time for him to walk her down the aisle."So I promised I'd watch out for her. And then I left," he quietly added, "I went to school. Came back for med school.""But you didn't move back in with your mom?""No," he shook his head, "Mark and I rented a shitty apartment. Hated living with him but it was close enough where I could come see them often and keep an eye out.""You were taking care of everybody," she swallowed."I didn't, that's the problem," he continued, "Over and over again. Even if it wasn't what I wanted, I did the right thing."He turned to the glass in his hand. He twirled the drink over and over until he downed the rest, hissing at the bitter taste."And then it just became too much. Too much failure. Too much pain. So I ran. I always run."Meredith studied him. He couldn't make eye contact with her. She could tell he'd tried to, more than once, but he was still protecting himself. And he downed the rest of the scotch to muster some sort of courage to tell her how he saw himself. A failure.Meredith pondered his words, "Cristina and I used to call you McDreamy all the time. You showed up, offered this once in a lifetime opportunity to a class of fresh, scalpel-hungry residents. You had this dark perfect hair, blue gorgeous eyes, a freakin' neurosurgeon who'd say all the right things, charming as hell, and y-you-"She exhaled, "It's like I don't know you- and I've been married to you for-freaking-ever. I have this picture of you with this perfect life in my head and sometimes you just…it's just…Derek it's a lot."Derek tilted his head a little, his eyes finally meeting hers, "Well, you were wrong. You can tell her that next time you call her.""It's not-no- it's not a bad thing it's just-" she sighed, "You just held on to that feeling for decades. You didn't let anybody in.""I couldn't," he scoffed, "I just…I didn't want anyone to feel the pain I felt. I couldn't let you feel it. I didn't want you to see it."But she had. Meredith had seen it all."You drowned. Remember? And before that I ran from Addison," he straightened his posture and leaned closer, "I broke you. I broke your heart the instant she walked in through those hospital doors. And to top it all off, I chose her. I had no right to burden you!""Will you stop that? I don't need protection! I've seen enough with my own mother, remember?" she scoffed, "Besides, you said it yourself, you ran and it's why you've been hiding from Carolyn because it reminds you of the night you ran from all of it and landed in Seattle!"Meredith Grey had finally cracked the code. She never truly understood what was the hesitation about Lucas. Sure she understood Amelia's hesitation, but Derek? She'd constantly ask herself why he had been so eager to reject his application.He licked his lips, guilt written all over his face."But you can't run from it anymore," Meredith reached for his hand, "I'm right here."Derek nodded as he looked down at their entwined hands. He sighed deeply, "I don't mean to. I don't want to keep you out like I do."Meredith swallowed, "What happened that day?""That day, two guys came in. Took the money and demanded he give up the watch,""The one your mom gave him," Meredith whispered, "For their anniversary. You told me that.""Mmhm," Derek hummed, "He uh, didn't give it up and they shot him point blank."Her gripped tightened, as if she was afraid he'd let go and pull away from sharing more. From opening more."I held on to Amy as hard as I could because she was about to run towards him. I kept hearing my dad telling me to protect her. It was my job to protect her. He said that once when we were kids. Said it about all of my sisters."He'd said to Bailey after he found out the real reason why Bailey had used his fists to protect his sister. Derek was clear, fists were not the answer, but protecting his sisters was something he needed to do."I held on tight to Amy because the gunshot scared me too," he whispered, "I couldn't let her go. I didn't want to. And then there was nothing but…silence. I didn't even hear the bell at the door when they left."She watched him slowly break in front of her. His eyes darkened as he relived the memory."I got up off the ground and I told her to wait where she was. I didn't- I-""You went to see your dad and you didn't want her to see," Meredith whispered as she pictured the young boy in the photographs, "Y-you walked over to-to check if-""Yeah," he nodded, "I stood over him. A pile of blood was around his head."Meredith closed her eyes. A vision of her own mother lying on the floor crossed through her mind."I reached down and put my fingers on his wrist. It was still warm. But there was no pulse."
I can feel a pulse in your wrist, you know what it means? It means your heart's still beating. And you can't be dead if your heart's still beating.
"His heart wasn't beating. He was dead," Derek pressed his lips into a thin line and nodded once. End of story.He spoke again, "No kid should have to see their dead dad on the floor."Meredith swallowed the lump that'd formed in her throat, "Who told your mom?""The police," he cleared his throat, "The owners of the shop next door heard the shot and uh saw them run off so they called and that was that.""You waited, didn't you? You waited right there until the ambulance came.""I did," he nodded, "And then I went to the hospital in a police car. Sat in the waiting room with a nice nurse."
You might've saved your mother's life
"Ma got there and uh, she kept a straight face," he quietly continued, "She didn't say anything at all. She didn't cry. She didn't speak. So I sat next to her and held onto her hand. She squeezed tightly when the doctor came to talk to us and…"Meredith watched as he lost himself in his memories once more."That's the only time I'd watched my mother cry," he quietly added, "We never talked about it again. Not even at the funeral. Maybe she was in shock then but she kept it together for the five of us.""And when everyone went home and we were the only ones in the funeral home," he could feel the lump in his chest as he was about to say it out loud, "I told her I would take care of them.""You were Zola's age?," Meredith quietly whispered."Yeah. I was Zola's age," he nodded, "I- I heard my mom praying once- or uh, I thought she was. Now I know she was talking to my dad. She was telling him that she didn't know what to do and I promised her what I promised him."A child making promises only grown ups could make. He'd been making them since he was the age of their son. So young. So young."Tell me a secret. Tell me something I don't know," he whispered as he laced his fingers with hers. They'd been hiding in the trailer for days. Days after she finally told him they could be extraordinary together. Days after the stupid corny house she'd made out of candles. A promise of a future together, because she was finally whole and healed.
She stared into his blue eyes and blinked. This was it. All or nothing. Sink or swim. Oh, that was a bad metaphor, she thought.
"I watched my mother bleed out after she sliced her wrists," she blurted.
His eyes widened. He expected something stupid or silly like she had once stolen something from the mall or whatever. But this was more than he expected. More than a baby step.
"I uh, I scared you with my dark and twisty didn't I?""That's not- Mer- I just," he stammered as he sat up, his eyes furrowing at the unexpected confession, "When?""I was five," she whispered as the sheets shuffled around her. She sat up and met his eyes, ready to tell him everything, "We had just gotten home after spending the day in the park. She was upset. She told me not to call anyone. Not to say anything. She told me not to be scared. Richard disappeared so…she was angry and tried to kill herself.""You were five? You were just-""Yeah. She wanted him to know but he never did. So we left for Boston and never looked back," Meredith raised a brow, "I've never told anybody that. Just my shrink but only because I had a breakdown after we lost Greta.""We don't get enough time with the person we love," Meredith whispered, "My mother lost the love of her life. Then she picked up our things, took us to Boston, and never looked back. She lost time with him and I was scared to have…I'm scared to want you as much as I do.""You were just a child," he whispered as he reached to push her hair back, "You were just a child and what she did, it wasn't your fault. You're not gonna lose me. I'm not gonna let you."Meredith tapped onto the glass. She could feel it bubbling, making its way to her mouth. A sly smile appeared until she just couldn't handle it any more.She was laughing. Laughing. She covered her mouth as she tried to contain her laughter once she noticed the panic look in her distraught husband's face.She's lost it, he thought, I broke her and she's lost it."I'm sorry," she tried to restrain her laughter until she laughed again, "I'm sorry it's not funny. It's not, it's really not. It's tragic. I'm sorry.""What the hell's your problem?" he asked with bewildered eyes as he watched her laugh."It's just," she sighed as she licked her lips, the laughter finally ending, "You and I met at a bar. And you came up to me with a corny, cheesy pick up line about me loving you if I got to know you. And then you asked me for my story.""What does that-""I said I had no story. I was just a girl in a bar. You were just a guy in a bar," she raised a brow, "And we have the most twisted stories anyone could imagine.""So what's your story?"
She turned to him. If only she could tell him. Then again it'd all be a forgotten memory anyways.
"I don't have a story. I'm just a girl in a bar."
Derek raised his glass. Finally, air.
"I'm just a guy in a bar."A clean slate. Fresh air. That's what they were in that bar. Two strangers determined to be nobodies for a night. Just a nightHe burst out laughing.Another scotch later and they were out the door. A weight lifted off one shoulder and another weight still on the other.She'd wrapped her arm around his waist, reminding him that there was no way in hell she'd let him run. Especially after opening up, even if it was just a small window.In the last two hours, she'd learned more about the man she called the love of her life. Ironic. All their relationship, they'd say they knew each other well. They'd seen each other in the happiest of times and in the darkest of times. And she was still learning more. Something told her that this had been the best version of him she'd seen. An open, vulnerable, man who was determined to do the impossible.Once they reached the car, he opened the driver's door. She stepped forward until she turned around."Mer?" he asked as he waited to close the door."What?" she turned to him, "What's wrong?""I can't go back to my mother's house," he whispered, "Not yet. Can we just… I don't know, I just can't go back there."She looked down at his lips. Then at his eyes again. Her breath quickened, and all her inhibitions had fallen. She leaned towards him and kissed him. Gently. Deeply. His soft lips kissed her back and his hand reached to cup her cheek. They separated long enough to catch a breath and kiss again until he pressed her up against the car. Her hands wrapped around his waist as her tongue asked for permission to explore. They were lost. So lost in each other. Like two strangers who had just met and were testing the waters.Derek pushed her against the car as he leaned in to kiss her. She was inviting and so, so tempting. She'd let him bare his soul open like he hadn't ever before. She listened, patiently and quietly. Made no assumptions. And didn't run.Her hands pulled him closer to her until there was nothing between them. Her fingertips teased the skin under his shirt as his hands tangled in her hair. He'd opened a chest full of treasure. Of secrets no one else knew. A door to the freakin' promised land that held all the secrets to Derek Shepherd. He trusted her.With all his secrets. His past. The baggage. The failures.All of it.Meredith pulled back and stared into his eyes, "I don't want to go back to your mother's house either."He nodded, "Okay."The receptionist of the little hotel he directed her to couldn't care less and took her time to check them in. A part of her wanted to climb over the desk and snatch the damn key card out of her hands. The sensible side told her that good things come to those who wait.But she was never one for waiting. Always one for hurrying.He slid the key card and pushed her in as he ravished her lips. She shoved her coat off and lost it somewhere on the ground as she watched him put the Do Not Disturb sign outside the door and lock it. He enveloped his arms around her waist as she pulled his lips down onto hers. The way to the bed was messy, bumpy, a road of unbuttoning shirts and shoving off sweaters.She giggled. He laughed.She bit his lip. He kissed her neck.He lifted her off the ground. She wrapped her legs around his waist until he found the bed.She ran her hands down his chest. Found the faint scar down his chest, another by his abdomen. And when her fingers tangled in his hair, she felt a slight bump- another scar.They were both covered in the history of their pain. Of their losses.But none of it mattered because he kissed the fear away when he roamed down her chest. Kissed her torso.They gasped at the touch. It wasn't lust. It wasn't a one night stand. Or a need to scratch the itch.It was two people, madly in love. Reconnecting. Finding each other again. Falling in love all over again.But not like the guy and the girl in the bar. Those two had grown up. And the two people in this room were broken people who'd finally learned to let each other in. Who were learning to walk together in their pain and not run from it. That there was beauty in it all.Intimacy at its purest form.Sex was communication for the both. It was their way of saying everything that needed to be said without any words.
I love you. I need you. I want you. I'm sorry. I forgive you. I'm scared. You're safe. You're alive. I'm here. We're still here.
All things they needed to hear over and over again with the cards they had been dealt.She stayed wrapped around him as he sat on the edge of the bed, lost in the scent of the lavender conditioner she'd used that morning. That intoxicating smell that took him back to the day he stood at her doorstep, telling her every detail of their last shared kiss before chaos reigned.They kissed until she pulled away, her fingers tangled in his salt in peppered tresses. Her eyes searched his until she found him, somewhere lost in the cloud of want they'd formed.
I've got you. I always will.
She didn't see a response. Just silent eyes taking in her silent words before he leaned in and kissed her. He flipped her onto the bed and pulled back. Still no words, until she saw a small response, one he'd verbally told her over and over again.
And I've got you.
She moaned as he moved and his hand held hers above her head. She couldn't help but sigh at the feeling of his lips against her neck, his mouth slightly ajar as they settled into a slow, sensual rhythm.It's all the communication they would need. For now.Post-coital Derek is usually snarky. Quick witted and ready for more. Even after the times of angry, make-up sex, he's always ready with some quick retort. Sometimes, he's quiet. But only when she needs to silence because she's hiding away from something she fears outside the comfort of their bubble. So he wraps his arms around her and they drift in silence.But this time, she's not the one hiding from the outside world. This time, she's shielding him. There's no witty banter, no innuendos, and no suggestions to go again.Meredith watched him through hooded eyes, his thumb gently scratched his forehead, a habit he'd do whenever he was lost in thought."On a scale of one to ten," she whispered, "How bad is it?""Eight," he turned to her with soft eyes, "It's an eight.""Derek?," she rested her weight on her elbow as she maneuvered to her side, her hand resting firmly on her head ready to listen."I-I," he exhaled, "This is the first time I feel trapped."She reached for his chest, invading his space as he opened the chest of treasure once more."I've never felt- not like this, I've never felt trapped like this," he admitted, "Everytime I came back home, I was certain I'd come just to check on things. I never had this feeling that-"He turned to her and swallowed, "I ran from failure only to return with failure."Meredith wrapped her hand across his cheek. In his eyes, she could see the shattered pieces of a twelve-year-old boy. A boy who had lost his hero, his best friend, the person he looked up to the most. That boy had grown up into a man who hid behind the facade of a heroic surgeon. But that surgeon was nowhere to be found."You aren't a failure," she whispered as her thumb ran across his cheek, "You've made mistakes. You've gone through hell. You've hurt people but you come back. You find your way back. Because you're a good man."
You're a good man, Derek Shepherd.
"Doesn't feel that way," he quietly confessed."I know," she whispered, "You have this big ego, this arrogance about you when it comes to your career. You made your career out of it. And I thought it was just because it was your way of charming people and I'll be honest, I kinda liked it when we started out-"She managed to get him to curve his lips upward just a bit. A bit.She exhaled, "But you hide behind that ego when you're scared. You hide behind it because it's the one thing you can control."Derek turned to look up at the ceiling, slowly processing her words.
You're not God, Derek
His career was important. He took pride in what he could do with his hands. In the gift he was given and the fact that his name was synonymous with excellent. He'd focused on perfecting it because he could perfect it. It was in his hands to control the trajectory of his career."You couldn't control what happened with your dad or how your mom reacted or Amy's actions. Liz, Kathleen, Nancy. You wanted to make it better but you couldn't so you ran and you hid," she continued, "But you can't control the pain. You can't control the bad."
I just can't get control of it.
"And what's happening with our kids? We can't always control the cards life gives us, because we're human," she sighed, "Trust me, if I could take away their pain in the blink of an eye, I would've already.""It feels like I'm not doing enough," he confessed, "You just have a grip on it all. Zo and Bailey and Ellis, you just…I see you and I see the kids and I just feel like I'm doing it all wrong. Like I'm not enough for them. And I just…I don't know what to do.""I don't either," she exhaled, "Honestly, I just try to make sure they know I love them more than anything and I would do anything for them.""They know you do-""And they know you do," she insisted, "I know you do.""I'm scared," he confessed, "I'm terrified that my mistakes, my temper, my arrogance will ruin them.""Well that makes two of us," She smiled before leaning in closer, her nose nearly touching his, "You would do anything for our kids. I know that. They know that. Zola wants to be a neurosurgeon because of you. And even if she doesn't, she adores you. And Bailey sees you as a superhero. He'd tell all his friends you had superpowers that could heal people, remember?She chuckled, "And Ellis is practically attached to you. She's a daddy's girl through and through.""We're both a little lost," she whispered, "But we'll find our way. We'll get there."He nodded as his hand reached to graze her chin. His eyes quickly glanced to her lips and back up to her eyes. He was still terrified, but the confidence in her eyes gave him hope.
This is the happy ever after part. And in the happy ever after part, the guy is there, all the time, saying things.
"You don't always have to be the strong one," she whispered again, "I can be your knight in shining whatever."He'd kissed her again. And again. And again. Until they'd made love once more.Her hands hid under her pillow as he laid on his side, softly caressing her bare back. Tracing hidden patterns and every now and then pressing a gentle kiss on her pouty lips.She was sure they'd been here for hours on end. Just laying side by side, breathing each other in, and basking in the silence.He wasn't whole. He wasn't healed. And honestly, neither was she. But tonight, they'd stitched up wounds they didn't know were still open.Meredith shifted slightly, "What are you thinking?"He smiled. What he'd been thinking was something he'd only ever told her twice before. Something he meant at the beginning of their mess. Something he meant when he almost lost it all. And something he means now when he's reopened all of his wounds and exposed himself to the one person he tried to shield himself from.The person he's tried to protect most and who didn't need any of his protection."You're like coming up for fresh air. It's like I'm drowning. And each time you…you still save me."The sunlight pierced through the small opening of the curtains. Derek rubbed his face and inhaled deeply.The last thing he remembered was Meredith's body wrapping around him and falling asleep. It'd been the first time he'd slept so soundly. No nightmares. No tossing and no turning.But now the bed was empty and he was all alone. He reached for the watch on the nightstand. 8:45. Crap. They should've been back at his mother's house hours ago. The kids would be up by now and have an endless amount of questions. Ellis would feel…he didn't want to think about it.Where the hell could she have gone?A door clicked open and closed gently, the smell of coffee enveloped the room."Hey, you're up," she whispered as she stepped into the room, "Brought you coffee.""When did you get up?" he sat up and reached for the coffee quietly thanking her as she sat next to him with her own cup."About an hour ago," she sighed as she sat down on the bed, "I was gonna wake you but you practically spilled all your dirty secrets and that is exhausting so I gave you a pass and went across the street for coffee.""That sounds like something you'd say to Bailey," he snickered."He's my son, he's got dirty laundry but no dirty secrets from me. Not yet, at least," she chuckled, "How are you feeling? How bad is it?"He set the coffee on the nightstand and smiled, "Five. Maybe six.""Mm," She hummed, "You know you're not done, right? And I'm right here, I'll always be here.""I know," he leaned in to kiss her softly, "Thank you."She pulled away and cradled his face in her hands. Something was different. Something had changed. But one thing just grew deeper."I love you," she whispered, "You know that I love you right?"Derek smiled gently before nodding, "I love you."Her heart fluttered as he kissed her again. And again. Thanking her for being the solace he so desperately needed. A solace he didn't know he needed.Meredith pulled back and shook herself out of the small bubble they were in, "You need to get up. We have to do the walk of shame to your mother's house where our kids spent the night and we have to catch a flight."Derek smiled before taking her hand and pulled her towards him as she let out a squeal of giggles."We have to go back," Meredith giggled as he peppered her kisses."Twenty minutes," he muttered amongst the kisses, "They can wait twenty minutes."She giggled until he kissed her deeply once more. Meredith wrapped her lithe arms around his neck and moaned lightly until a buzzing sound interrupted them.Derek groaned and searched the room. His phone was on the floor next to his discarded pants. He reached for it and answered."Amy?" Meredith watched as his brows furrowed. She sat up and kissed his shoulder. She could hear the desperation in her voice but could barely make out her sister-in-law's words."Wait, wait, slow down, are you okay?" Derek asked."Oh my God," Amelia sighed in relief, "You're alive!""Amy what's wrong?""Lizzie called and then Mom called. They said you and Kathleen got in some sort of screaming match," she hissed, "They haven't heard from you or Meredith all night and the last time that happened, you were on the side of the road dying!""That's not funny," he pushed himself off the bed after turning to his wife and shook his head, "We're fine, tell them we're fine. We're on our way back.""Derek," Amy pleaded. He could practically hear her wipe tears, "Don't do that again, please.""I'll call you when we land," he quietly answered before hanging up.Meredith watched as he quickly dressed himself, "You have to talk to her"Derek turned to her as he buttoned his pants, "Who? What are you talking about?""Carolyn- your mother," Meredith swallowed, "You have to talk to her so that you can move forward and be better for yourself."Derek reached for his shirt and sighed, "I can't let her see I'm in pain.""You don't have to," Meredith sighed, "She's your mom. She already knows you're in pain."If there was something Meredith understood deeply, it was a mother's intuition. And if her husband was going to get any better, he needed to talk.Derek Shepherd had never once in his life done the walk of shame to his mothers house. Not once. Mark teased him mercilessly over and over about it.But Meredith Grey was an expert. She'd done it enough times that she was sure her mother was in the hospital instead of home or she just didn't care. She did however, receive an extensive amount of conversation about safe sex. Birth control. Options. Her mother, on a medical front, had made sure she was healthy and safe.She gave Ellis Grey credit there.As they reached the front door, Derek jabbed the keys and quietly opened the door. He looked around and let Meredith in."Meredith? Derek is that you?"Lizzie's worried voice called through the hallway. She stepped in and let out a sigh of relief as she practically flew to embrace them."Oh my God," she sighed in relief as her arms clung around her brother, "We've been up all night. Are you guys okay? Please tell me your okay-""We're fine, we just needed space." Derek stepped back as Meredith moved away, " Liz what are you still doing here?""Mom was worried and I didn't want to leave her alone," she shook her head, "she said you yelled at Mer and we're hitting things with a baseball bat and you just disappeared."Derek sighed as he ran his hand through his hair, "Where is she?""Outside," she sighed."What about the kids?" Meredith asked."They had breakfast," Liz explained as she turned to her sister-in-law, "Zo, she uh-""She had a panic attack?" Both parents blurted.Liz blinked, "No, no, she's fine. She uh, she asked if you guys had gone out for the night. They slept through the whole thing. Poor kids, I thought they had heard but Zo said she slept through the night. So did Bailey and Ellis."She chuckled lightly as the parents pushed past her."Hey," she called out, "Listen, I know I'm not on your good side right now, but what Kate said, Derek-""Lizzie-""I don't," She swallowed, "I don't blame you. It's not your fault any of it happened. You know that right?"Derek nodded, "I know."Liz embraced him and glanced at Meredith who watched the whole exchange. She stuffed her hands in her pocket and shifted uncomfortably as she looked away, "She's good for you, you know?""She's right there," Derek chuckled, "She's listening, why are you saying it like she's not?""I know. Take care of her. And take care of your kids because they're so beautiful. They're your future Derek, everything that happened here is the past," Lizzie whispered, "Just…don't be a stranger, okay?""I'll try my best," Derek nodded as he pulled away. One more sister had sided with him. Three against two. They'd beat the odds.Lizzie smiled once more at Meredith once more, "Take care of him? Keep him in line."Meredith nodded once with a smile as Lizzie left. Of course she'd take care of him. They'd been taking care of each other for years and a promise on a post-it was waiting for them at home. It was a promise they'd intended to keep."I'm gonna check on the kids," Meredith nodded, "And get them ready. You need to talk to her.""Zo? Bails? Ellie?" Meredith called out as she reached the top of the stairs. She looked into the room Zola and Ellis had been staying only to find their shared suitcase at the door.She opened the door to her son, "We're home, we-"A delightful surprise awaited her as her favorite trio was lying on the floor in a fit of giggles. Bailey held a photo album in his hands, apparently one that belonged to her husband, "What are we laughing at?""Dad's high school pictures," Zola managed to explain as they offered the book, "We found a lot of them.""Don't laugh, it's not nice," Meredith sat on the floor with them as she reached for the book. She couldn't help the light laugh that escaped her as she covered her mouth. The teenager in question had an unruly round wild bush of curls, acne, and an incredibly lithe frame that was practically overpowered by the saxophone in his hands. Everything he'd once described to her once. He wasn't lying about it."I don't have many pictures," Meredith smiled, "But I think my pink hair was not as bad as this.""You had pink hair?" Ellis' eyes practically bulged out, "I want green hair!"Zola and Bailey couldn't help the second fit of giggles that escaped them."Okay, well, we can circle back to that in a few years," Meredith negotiated, "Um, did you guys hear any- I know that things were a little weird last night with Daddy's sisters-""What do you mean?" Bailey asked.The faces of the children in front of her were riddled with confusion. She sighed and rendered to the fact that maybe they had managed to preserve some innocence, "Nothing, never mind, I just, you three know you're stuck with me right? No matter what? I'm always gonna be there for you, no matter how far you are or how old you get? I'm always gonna love you."It was a sacred promise any mother could make. Almost a wordless one. And she was determined to keep it no matter what."We know mom," Zola smiled, "You're stuck with us, too.""What the hell were you thinking?" Carolyn yelled as he stepped outside, "You two disappear in the middle of the night after yelling at everyone and think it's okay to just vanish?""I'm not a kid for you to -""I saw you on a vent, remember? I said my goodbyes to you thinking I lost you like I lost your-""I'm fine," Derek whispered before she could finish her sentence, "I'm right here. Meredith was with me and she made sure I didn't do anything stupid.""And Meredith- oh Meredith likes to walk on the line-" Carolyn paced as she ran a hand through her hair."Yeah, she does, it's why I married her," Derek chuckled as he sat on the bench, "Ma, sit here. Get your blood pressure down.""You can't charm your way out of this," Carolyn sat next to him, "You've always done that since you were a kid-""I'm fine, look at me," he smiled, "I was angry. I'm still upset. But I'm here. I'm alive and I'm fine."Carolyn reached to touch his cheek, sadness glazing over her brown eyes, "What your sisters said-""I don't want to talk about what my sisters said," Derek mumbled as he looked down, "I don't want to talk about last night.""Derek, when he died I let you hide away from it," Carolyn continued to look at her only son, "I let you pretend you were fine and I let you take care of everyone.""I told you I would do it-""I was the mom, you were the kid," Carolyn shook her head, "that was my job. To take care of you and to take care of your sisters. I shouldn't have let you take so much on your shoulders.""You were alone," Derek could feel his eyes water, "Dad died and you were left with five kids and we weren't exactly the easiest.""No you weren't," Carolyn lightly chuckled, "I had to push through. I had to move forward because I had five kids to provide for. And it was scary."Derek turned to her with his brows furrowed, "You were? You always seemed so-""Confident? How many times have you let your kids see you like you were last night?"Derek blinked. Of course they hadn't. Even during Bailey's scare, he'd kept a straight, brave face. He wouldn't scare his children any more than they already were."I was so determined to keep going, keep moving forward, and to not let anything get in the way," Carolyn continued, "And everyone would say I had done it. I raised five kids who all went on to become doctors. That's what everyone saw."No one talked about the pain it was for Carolyn to put them through med school. The extra hours she'd put in the hospital. The extra shifts. No one knew the nights she'd cried herself to sleep. Not even her children."But no one knew was that my kids were somewhat heartbroken," she swallowed, "I tried to remind that I loved you enough for the both of us-""We knew," Derek nodded as he let the tears trickle, "Amy likes to tell everyone that you would tell us every night before bed."Carolyn smiled before continuing, "You promised you'd take care of her. And you did your best. You did-""I just wanted to…protect her. I wanted to take care of her- even when I didn't. I made a promise and I didn't-""I shouldn't have let you take on such a big responsibility. I shouldn't have let you believe she was your responsibility," Carolyn continued, "You and Amelia suffered the most. And I made amends with her. I did, but you-""I don't blame you," Derek sighed, "Ma, you were grieving. You were-""I know you don't," Carolyn nodded as she thought back to her youngest daughter, she and Derek had always been so alike and so different, "But you should know that you did everything right. You feeling as if you failed-"Meredith's voice echoed in his head, She's your mom. She already knows you're in pain."You didn't. You didn't fail," Carolyn pressed her lips in a thin line, "You were the kid. I was the adult. I was the mom and in my grief, I didn't remind you to- I let you-"Derek could see that she couldn't get the words out. She couldn't find a way to tell him everything and yet she'd found how to with little words. Parenthood wasn't perfect. Parenthood was difficult, no matter the circumstance."You've managed to make a life and you need to move forward with that," she swallowed, "You are raising three beautiful children with an amazing woman who understands your pain and your grief. So move forward. Move forward and leave behind all the things that went wrong because it's not on you. It's not your fault."Derek nodded as he wiped his tears away, "Last night, I uh, I told her the full story about Dad for the first time. I never wanted to tell her because I knew she had her own grief from her mom."Carolyn sniffed as she listened intently."I always hid away all the pain from Dad because I thought I'd let him down," he swallowed, "And every time something went wrong, I blamed myself. Mer said I hide behind my career."Carolyn nodded, "You've done that since you were a kid.""Yeah," Derek chuckled, "Having kids it…rips you apart into a million pieces. You see yourself in them. The good, the bad, the things you've tried to hide away. I see it all in my kids. And watching them grow has been the best thing and it's been the most painful thing that has happened to me."Carolyn reached for his hand, "It worsens when you see them pack their bags and move away."Derek laughed before thinking back to his kids, "I don't want them to live in that fear. I don't them to be angry at the world, to be scared that everything can be taken away. I don't want them to-to feel that.""Sometimes, we can't help what our kids go through," she gulped, "Life doesn't give us the cards we want it to."Life dealt the Shepherds an unfair card. And it dealt the Greys unfair ones too. Now, the Grey Shepherds had a few bad ones of their own. How they played the cards they had was up to them."I didn't run away from you, ma," his face softened, "I moved away from the pain of feeling like a failure.""You did the right thing. And look what you found," Carolyn nodded, "Let her in."He didn't need a name to know who she was speaking about. She always liked her. She always thought her view of the world complemented his. And she'd been right. She'd been right."Even if it scares you," Carolyn continued, "Let her in. You love her, and she loves you. And you two are going to trip and fall every now and then- parenting is that way- but you'll make it. I know that."He heard a faraway echo of giggles coming from an open window upstairs. Four giggles he'd give his life to hear every single day."Thank you," Derek whispered. He was finally releasing the tethered rope that held him down to the world of guilt and pain and moving towards a pasture where he was determined to give his children the chance to embrace…everything. And he wouldn't be alone. He'd have the love of his life to stand with.Derek wrapped one arm around his mother and embraced her. They sat in silence for a minute before she pulled away and raised a disappointed brow at him."Now, what's this about you hitting the engagement ring I gave you with a bat?"Derek groaned as he hung his head in disappointment.Meredith zipped the suitcase and reached for the phone cable on the stand. She'd showered, packed everything up and checked the kids bags. She'd called a car while Derek showered, determined to get on the plane and make it home. Everything was ready.Meredith furrowed her brow at the missing cable. Right, she thought, the kitchen, she'd left it in the kitchen while they ate dinner with the sisters.She made her way down the stairs and stopped at the frame. Carolyn sat at the table with a mug in her hands."Oh," Meredith stuttered, "I uh, I left my cable- it's-""On the counter," Carolyn smiled, "it's still plugged in."Meredith nodded, "Right, thanks.""I'm sorry he hit the ring with the bat," Carolyn's voice broke through the tension. She hadn't seen her since she told her she knew her own son better. Since she bitterly spoke to her after witnessing her husband be destroyed left and right. A bold move for any daughter in law. She was sure that Carolyn would despise her after that, maybe tell her never to return. Apparently, she was wrong."Yeah, me too," Meredith smiled as she twisted the cable in her hands, "I'm sorry I don't wear it as often. I'm just not so- I wear my band but I forget to put it on after surgery so it's rarely-""It's yours. What you do with it is up to you," Carolyn assured her, "You're all packed up?"Meredith smiled, surprised at the gentleness Carolyn offered, "Yeah, the kids are just packing some last minute things and Derek is finishing up. Thank you for letting us stay by the way. They really loved spending time with you.""They're beautiful," Carolyn gushed, "They are the best of you and my son.""And the worst" Meredith shook her head as she exhaled, "Stubborn and hot-headed.""And kind. Determined. Hard-working. Caring. Open. Loving," Carolyn laughed, "They're human just like you."Meredith smiled. They were perfect in her eyes. But the world would one day show them that even the kindest of people tripped."Thank you for taking care of my son," Carolyn quietly said, "I know you're a strong woman on your own but I know how good you two are for each other. And traveling here isn't the easiest and this trip- the ending- was like a nightmare."They laughed together before Meredith spoke, "Siblings are...complicated. And I know what you went through wasn't easy. I can't imagine it. And I don't want to."Carolyn smiled, "Well your kids are still young, most of their fights will be over TVs and who took what and who's taking longer in the bathroom."Meredith laughed before licking her lips, "Zola liked Boston. She made friends. She was smiling. But the other two don't want to move. What do I do? What do we do?"Carolyn pondered her question, "I could tell you that moving is the right thing to do, because it's a fresh start to a little girl who's seen so much and it'd do the others good to have a clean slate, too. I could also tell you that leaving would be terrifying because you'd be leaving everything you know behind."Meredith nodded at the unhelpful advice. She knew all of that. She'd weighed it on a scale and couldn't see which side tipped over most."But your instinct, that motherly instinct you have," Carolyn smiled, "That will tell you what to do. And even then, you'll doubt yourself. But it'll be the best chance you can give your kids.""Alright, let's hit the road," Derek's voice echoed through the house as he stepped into the kitchen. He clapped his hands together, "Sorry, I uh, I interrupted but the kids are on their way down."Meredith smiled at him, "I'm gonna go get my bag, and check that I packed everything. Did you bring everything else down?""Yeah," Derek nodded, "Kids' stuff is downstairs too."She left the kitchen and left the mother and son on their own.Derek sighed, "Thanks. For everything.""You're my son," Carolyn smiled, "You don't need to thank me. It's my job to be your mom."Coming home had been more than he had expected. He had closure he didn't have before. A feeling that he wasn't completely fine now, but he'd taken a step forward. The first step in admitting he wasn't pain free. He wasn't the stoic, firm, shoulder to lean on. She was human, just like everyone else. And that was okay."I need you to say it," Carolyn tenderly reached to caress her son's cheek once more. He was better. So much better.He had left a broken man whose best friend and wife had betrayed him. A young teenager who made a promise too big for his own good. A kid who'd lost so much.Now he'd come back a stronger man happily married with three children. A little scratched, a little broken, but determined to look forward. It was proof that his future was so much brighter than what he had once imagined."It wasn't my fault," he repeated.This time, he believed it.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Meredith inhaled deeply as her eyes fluttered open. The sheets around her reminded her she was not in her own home in Seattle and she was definitely not in her husband's childhood home.
She turned to the body next to her. Derek's breath was still even and his eyes remained closed and his arm remained loosely wrapped around her. Meredith turned to face him and watched as he slightly shifted.
This, the moment after, was still precious to her. Everything stopped then. The world outside ceased to exist and for the briefest of moments, it was silent.
The elevator bell rang as the doors slid open. The buzz of families, nurses, and doctors echoed throughout the hospital as she walked across the catwalk. Everything was busy. Nothing was quiet.She walked quickly down the hall, coat and bag in hand as nurses and staff greeted her and welcomed her back. As she reached the door to the chief's office, she exhaled. No silence yet, just a quick transition of power and then finally- finally- quiet.Owen looked up from behind the desk and smiled. He stood behind the desk and Meredith assumed that much like during his own tenure, he most likely spent little to no time here. He handed her a stack of paperwork, "Welcome back, chief. You were missed."Meredith sighed as she hung her coat and bag. She exhaled, took the stack of documents, and quickly glossed through budget and other administrative reports, "Can you stay on as chief for another week? I need a few days in the OR,"He laughed, "My chief days are over, this was a favor for a friend. Besides, you are doing a hell of a job. None of us could have done what you did?""Which was what exactly?" Meredith glanced up quickly."Oh c'mon Grey, you're selling yourself short," he snorted as he rounded the desk, "C'mon look at the residency program, Bailey's Clinic, you've hired a full staff again-""Are you buttering me up? What did you people do? How bad is the hospital? How bad is the department?"Owen laughed as his hand enveloped the doorknob, "Nothing, everything's fine. All the paperwork is in that folder, The schedule is ready for the week so transitioning back in should be a breeze."Meredith nodded, "Thank you. I owe you.""We'll call it even when you approve my vacation days without question," Owen raised his brows and left her at the door of her office.Meredith nodded once in acknowledgement as she watched Owen leave the office. She looked around as she walked around towards her chair.Her desk was neatly organized, the cabinets behind it had trays full of documents she'd left behind. Budget reports, monthly summaries. The walls were blank, with the exception of her two degrees everyone insisted she have up. Everything was the same, yet nothing was the same. She sat on her office chair, hands neatly folded on her abdomen and stared off into the distance.She hadn't seen the kids off to school. She'd left as they were about to sit for breakfast with a promise to see them later in the evening. She'd kissed the tops of their heads, held on to Ellis a little longer, promised to see her husband at work with a quick peck, and ran out the door.As she drove away, she thought about them. They danced in her thoughts throughout the entire ride to the hospital. Ellis had been better. Maybe she'd stop the outbursts at school. Bailey was in the clear and no complications seemed to make their way through. And Zola had been a little quiet, although she knew that the interest in Brookline may have something to do with that.Instinct. Carolyn told her instinct would tell her what to do."You're late," Amelia raised her brow as she watched her brother exit his car. He'd parked next to her and had arrived nearly at the same timeHe shook his head as he took his briefcase off and pressed the button to shut it, "Always something to complain about.""You were gone for a week, I gotta make up for lost time," she nudged him, "How was your flight? How's mom?""Flight was good, the kids are jetlagged though," he sighed, "Mom is...mom"Amelia laughed, "You know better than anyone that she can see through our crap with one glance.""Yeah," Derek shook his head with a slight chuckle, "Nothing escapes her.""Except you apparently, where did you and your better half sneak off too?" Amelia turned to him, "Better yet, why did you run off?"Derek heard a skateboard pass by them. If Lucas noticed them, he didn't make an effort to acknowledge them. He'd simply skated by until he reached Griffith further up."Kathleen found out about the accident," Derek sighed, "She yelled. I yelled. She said things-""Oh my God," Amy sighed, "C'mon he's an adult, it was his-""Amy-""No, listen, that wasn't on you and besides he made a choice, we respected it," she sighed, "We have to deal with him here not her. And you're the cool uncle and I try to be the cool aunt…well not anymore because I live with the kid and I have him help out with Scout but I still think I-""She blamed me for Dad," he flatly answered as he stopped walking.Amelia turned around and stared at him, "Oh no."Derek nodded. Amy knew better than anyone what that meant. She'd been pushing for him to open up and move past it. To accept that he had merely been a kid. Bad things happened and not everything was his fault. She knew her brother. And her brother knew her. They could be at odds, they could fight, but at the end of the day, they took care of each other."I'm fine," he sighed, "And I'm not just saying that. Mom and I talked. And I talked to Meredith, so you can check in with her- I know you will. And I- that's all I can tell you. It's too early to talk about it."Amy watched him walk away and swallowed, "Kai was offered a job in London."Derek turned to his sister, concerned written all over his face, "What? Didn't they just-""They're expanding the Parkinson's research and they were offered a lab there. They're considering it. They say it's a big opportunity and that it's what they've been working towards," she shrugged as she watched him search for words, "I don't want to talk about it."Typical. Both siblings opening for the briefest of moments and shutting off to avoid any more pain.Amelia stepped forwards until she reached her brother. He wrapped his arm around her and squeezed it slightly as they made their way to the hospital."Ow!" Lucas jerked up as he saw the culprit of the sudden swat to his head, "Is this a hazing thing? Because in case you didn't know, chief, it's illegal.""This is me as your aunt," Meredith gritted, "You didn't tell your mother about the accident?""He told her?" his eyes nearly bulged out, "He told my mother- I told him-!""He didn't!" Meredith nudged him again, "And I didn't know you didn't want her to know. So I was the one who opened my big mouth and opened the biggest fight of the century?""Between who? Mom and Uncle Derek? Oh, they've always fought," Lucas shrugged before turning back to his tablet, "They'll get over it. It's a Shepherd thing."Meredith watched him. A photograph of her husband came to mind. One the kids had been looking at- amongst the many in Carolyn's home- with his unruly curls sitting atop his head. Lucas gave her the briefest of whiffs of him. Of course he'd know of Shepherd things. But, once upon a time it would've been just a Shepherd thing. This time, it wasn't. And she wasn't about to divulge any details with him."Hey! Welcome home!" Maggie's voice was filled with joy and energy as she greeted her, "Are we still doing family dinner this Friday? I want to hear everything!""That's still a thing?" Lucas furrowed his brow as he looked up at the pair. They seemed unimpressed and merely blinked at him, practically screaming at him to scatter."I'm gonna go check in with Dr. Shepherd," Lucas nodded curtly and walked off leaving the amused pair."How'd it go?" Meredith asked as they walked down the hall together, "Owen said everything ran fine."Maggie nodded, "It did. It felt like old times with Hunt as interim chief but there's just something different about you being back. It's like something was missing you know?"Meredith scoffed, "You do know I'm not what makes this hospital right? I'm just one person, stop making it like I'm the-""I'm just saying," Maggie laughed, "It's good to have you back. How're the kids?""Oh, well they're spoiled from their Nana's attention," Meredith laughed, "But the school in New York was definitely not the one for Zo.""Oh," Maggie frowned, "What about Boston? What'd she think of that?"The truth was that not even Meredith knew. She didn't have a clear answer yet. She had an idea of what her daughter was leaning towards, but assuming her answer wasn't right. She needed a clear answer and she'd give her daughter time if she needed. So for now, no one would know."We haven't really talked about it," Meredith shrugged, "Derek's sisters surprised us and we weren't able to talk to her about it.""Oh," Maggie nodded, "Well, I'm sure you'll figure it out."Meredith smiled. Genuinely, "I hope so.""What do you mean about Derek's sisters? They surprised you? I thought you hated them?" Maggie's phone rang, "Oh, gotta go. That's Winston, and we are barely on speaking terms"Meredith raised her brows and watched as her sister walked towards the elevators. Clearly she missed a lot- even if it didn't feel like it."How are you and Winston?" Meredith asked as they walked down the hallway.Maggie sighed deeply, "How do you do it? You and Derek have these high powered jobs, and you two seem-""You've seen us, heard us fight," Meredith shook her head, "You know it's not always perfect."She had. Maggie had seen them live separately. She'd seen her struggle with visiting him to D.C. She'd heard a lot. But she'd also seen the glances and the flirting. She'd seen the way they managed to work through their issues. One day they'd be fighting, yelling at each other, and the next they'd be standing by the coffee cart laughing over something the kids did, a witty comment one of them made, a story about a patient. She'd seen Meredith lean on Derek and Derek lean on Meredith. She'd see it all."He still wants to switch specialties and it bothers me," Maggie sighed, "I don't want him to give up on his dreams because he thinks it's gonna make me happy! He says it's to save our marriage but he's-he's being a coward. He doesn't want to work through it."Meredith winced, "And what do you want to work through?""I wouldn't want to ever give up my passion," Maggie shrugged, "I just don't know if I can respect it."Meredith raised a brow and sighed as she clicked the elevator button, "Maggie, marriage isn't easy. I told you that when you two first got married. It's a lot of compromising. It's a lot of give and take. A lot of times, you'll win. And many times you won't. So, really take a moment to think about what you want."She knew that very well from experience. Sometimes Meredith would take. Sometimes she'd give. Sometimes they'd fight over decisions and sometimes she and Derek were clearly in sync. But it wasn't perfect."What do you mean?" Maggie blinked, "Are you saying I'll have to make a choice?"The elevator dinged, announcing its arrival.Meredith shrugged as she entered, "That's up to you."As the doors closed, Meredith couldn't help but think of her mother and the decisions she'd make. Many times she'd thought they'd both escaped inheriting many of her qualities. Others, they were clear as day. They were the daughters of Ellis Grey.A brilliant surgeon. A brilliant mind. Who'd made sacrifices for what she wanted most.The difference between the sisters was what they each wanted most."Can you be my uncle for a few minutes and not my attending?"Derek turned to Lucas from his tablet, "Crap. She called you?""No," Lucas shook his head as he leaned in, "Aunt Mer did."Derek smiled at the way his nephew regarded his wife."She said you and my mom had the fight of the century," Lucas sighed, "I told you-""You said you'd call her," Derek sighed, "You didn't. And we didn't mean to tell her. It just slipped. Sorry"Lucas observed him for a moment before nodding, "I got your email. I had the hospital in Boston send your patient's scans over so you should have access to them."Derek had made a promise in Boston. To help a man with an almost impossible to treat brain tumor. Grace- the current resident of the once Grey home- had explained how he'd been turned away. He'd been surprised, considering the brilliant minds in Harvard. But he also knew that sometimes, turning them away meant that quality of life had outweighed the risk.Derek however, was a risk taker. An arrogant one. And he'd made a career out of it."Okay, well," Derek sighed, "You wanted an impossible tumor right?"Lucas straighted, "Wait. Are you saying-""You better bring your A-game, Shep," Derek handed him the tablet, "You're with me on this one."Lucas swallowed.Amelia opened the door to the office and closed it behind her, "What happened in New York? How bad was it? I heard you barely made it out alive."Meredith looked up from her paperwork and shook her head, "He told you. I know he did. I haven't seen him all day but I know he told you. I recognize your tone."Amelia smirked as she moved to sit in front of her sister-in-law, "Kathleen has never been one to shut her mouth. She's got a worse filter than I do. And a cruel one at that.""I don't want to talk about her," Meredith winced, "I get you five are complicated but she crossed a line."Amelia nodded, "I knew there was a reason why I liked you.""Because I take your side when you and your brother fight," Meredith laughed, "He's fine by the way. He's…better."Amelia smiled."What's wrong?" Meredith asked, "You seem sad? Why are you so sad?"Amelia exhaled, fully knowing her brother would tell her anyways, "The Parkinson's trial is expanding. They've ordered an opening of a lab out in London."Meredith looked up with a surprised, but thrilled smile, "That's great! Is Hamilton going to be leading out there? I heard they got that guy from Harvard to continue leading-""Not him," Amelia sighed, "Kai was asked to do it."Meredith blinked, "What? Are they gonna take it? They're moving out to London?"Amelia placed both arms on the desk and dropped her head, "I don't want to talk about it.""You sound like your brother," Meredith rolled her eyes as the door opened once more."What the hell did you mean?" Maggie blurted as she shut the door behind her, "Why do I have to make a choice? Why can't we both find a way to be happy in our chosen career paths?"She sat next to Amelia and blinked, "What's wrong with her?""Kai was offered a job in London," Meredith sat back as she stoically explained."Oh," Maggie replied, "Amelia-""I don't want to talk about it," Amelia mumbled.Meredith sighed and shook her head, "Okay. I promised my kids I'd be home for dinner so I can't go to the sister house and help you both fix your problems."Maggie squinted at her, "We're not asking you to fix-""But," Meredith stood from her desk, "I can offer you a boost of serotonin with the kids. Bring pasta from that one place we like and you get a few hours of family distraction.""Early family dinner," Amelia looked up, "We're really a dysfunctional bunch.""We really are," Meredith laughed as she grabbed her lab coat."I have Scout tonight!""Even better!" the door closed behind her."You've been hiding," Meredith whispered as she entered Derek's office, "Haven't see you since this morning."Derek smiled as he stood from his desk and leaned in to quickly kiss her, "I've been working. I'm behind on some paperwork with the interns and I just took on a new case."Meredith pulled out the chair and sat across from him, for once happy she wasn't on the end he was at, "Grace's husband? What's his name again?""Daniel," Derek sighed, "I had Adams transfer over his scans. Now we have to coordinate when we can fly him out.""Mm," Mered hummed. She watched as he concentrated on the screen in front of him. The tired and worn out version of her husband had been left somewhere in New York. This one had rejuvenated, shed the skin of guilt that he carried for so long even if it was only temporary. Now he was back home ready for the next big case. Meredith studies him before asking, "How are you doing? How are you feeling?"Derek couldn't help the small grin that curved from one end of his lip, "You came to do a wellness check didn't you?"She laughed, "No, I didn't but I am checking in. It's what you'd do."Derek sighed as he turned to her, "I'm feeling better. Much better. Happy we're home.""Did you think about what I said? About therapy?""I did," Derek nodded as he leaned back, "I'm not going back to Wyatt but I am actively looking if that helps.""Good, I'm glad one Shepherd is doing better," Meredith smirked as she leant back."Amy told you," he observed, "About Kai?"She nodded, "I'm very confused but she doesn't want to talk about it yet.""If she starts spiraling-""She won't," Meredith smiled confidently, "Amelia is grown up. She has it together.'Derek nodded. Sure his sister had it together. She'd proven she was the stronger of the two but his own instinct told him to keep an eye out, "She does but she tend to lash out so just keep me in the loop?"Meredith nodded, "Are you making it home for dinner tonight? The sisters need a serotonin boost from the Little Grey Shepherds and Amy's little Shepherd so I invited them over.""I am not," Derek sighed with disappointment, "I'm on call, but it wouldn't be a bad idea to have them over tonight. It gives us one night before we try to figure out what to do about Zo. Besides, I think you need some time with your sisters. You spent too much time with me already, you need a night to complain about me.""That's not all we talk about. Our conversations don't revolve around you," Meredith rolled her eyes before sighing, "She liked the school. I could see it. I could tell."Derek slowly nodded, "She did and she won't say she did because she's worried about the other two."Meredith slouched on the chair as her eyes caught sight of a picture on the back cabinet. It was his favorite picture. The three Little Grey Shepherds sitting on the beach. Each of them pulled off silly faces as their father snapped the picture. They'd grown in the last year and a half. They'd matured a bit and had each developed more pronounced features."Bailey will understand, I think," Meredith tried to reason, "Ellis isn't going to be happy. Not at all. But we have to think about what's best for our whole family. And Seattle is just…I don't know Derek I think we do need to…to-""Leave," he finished for her, surprised at the "You think we need to leave.""Maybe Zo's onto something," Meredith sighed, "Maybe, this is a sign we have to leave. Cristina once told me I should leave after everything that happened."Derek nodded, knowing exactly what she was talking about. She'd come home angry the day Cristina left for Minnesota all those years ago."Accidents, shootings, air planes crashing," Meredith reasoned, "Now it's our kids? Is the bad luck hereditary or something? Is that why our poor children-""Stop it, it's not hereditary," he shook his head before leaning closer to her, "Are you- are you ready to leave Seattle?"That. That was the question she wasn't ready to answer yet. It's one thing to say something should be done and another to actually do it.
Being aware of your crap and actually overcoming your crap are two very different things.
"I told you-""I know," Derek nodded, "We'd do anything for our kids without resentment. I know that. I know you. I'm just checking in."He smiled, echoing her earlier words. She stared at him unamused before shaking her head and staring at the photograph once more."If we do leave Seattle," Derek tested the waters, ready to bring up the offer he'd received from Catherine, "We need to discuss what we'd do-""We need to talk to Zola first," Meredith stood from the chair and began to make her way out, "I'm off to get our kids and try to pry out what I can from our almost teenager."Derek chuckled, clearly this conversation had been paused for another time, "We practically have three at this point with those tantrums."Meredith turned and tapped on the door with a smirk, "Are we talking about Bailey and Ellie or Amy and Mags?"Derek pondered her question for a moment, "Make it five."Meredith giggled as she opened the door, "For the record Dr. Shepherd-""Yes, Dr. Grey?" He stood from his chair and stuffed his hands in his pockets."I do complain about you to my sisters," She teased, "A lot.""I expect nothing less," he nodded."How did you do it?""Jesus, are you trying to kill me?" Derek jumped as he turned to the source of the whisper, "What are you talking about? How do I do what?""Amelia and Meredith," Maggie shook her head as she leaned closer to him, "They hate each other. They genuinely hate each other.""Oh," Derek sighed as he dropped his head back into his hands. "Let them be. They'll figure it out."
He'd been an expert at it by now. He knew exactly what ticked each of them off and could practically predict when the next war between the two would be.
He tried to play peacekeeper but that had epically backfired on both ends with each woman claiming the other had no regard for each other. Or him. Or anyone.
They called each other selfish, self absorbed, disloyal, childish, pathetic, and shallow.
They had a full war. Declared by both parties with no white flag in sight.
So he had to be neutral. To prevent Meredith from pushing everyone away and keep Amy from spiraling.
Switzerland. He was Switzerland throughout some of their most heated wars. When Meredith called Amelia a child who had no right to weigh in on her husband after all she put him through. And when Amelia had called her shallow for disregarding everyone's feelings when she wasn't the only one who cared for him. When Meredith called her an imposter for trying to fill in her best friend's shoes and marrying her ex-husband. And when Amelia called her pathetic for being loyal to someone halfway around the world.
But after a brutal accident Meredith had faced, they had no more reasons to fight. He was done being in neutral when Amelia had chosen to attend another trauma instead of Meredith's. Meredith had been attacked by a patient who had no control over what he was doing. Postictal, his medical knowledge told him. Still it was his wife.
Amelia had spiraled once more and froze the instant she saw her brother over his wife's head, begging her to help. She slid down the wall and refused to move instead. Terrified. In turn, Derek refused to speak to her. Not until she sobered up and got her act together, he told her, or else whatever they had mended would end then and there.
So she did.
It'd take a month for the women to realize just how much they cared for one another when Amelia showed up to Meredith's hospital room after nights of disappearing. She offered her thirty day sobriety chip as a peace offering.
Still, the bickering didn't end.
"I can't! I can't ignore them. They're always bickering, it's maddening! Meredith is my sister- my biological sister whom I'm getting to know- and Amelia is practically my sister. She moved in with me. We're living in Ellis Grey's old house which was Meredith's old house but she also practically lives there and-"
Derek nodded nonchalantly as Maggie rambled about his wife and his sister. Something about cabinets and sledgehammers and fleas.
"-and now there's a hole on the wall and we don't even know where to start-"
Derek lifted his head with his brow furrowed, "Wait, hole in the wall? Which wall? The house will collapse if it's a weight bearing wall?"
"Were you not listening? Amelia mentioned opening up the kitchen and we thought it was a great idea until Mer-""That was last night? When you had Mer over late? That was the tequila talking," Derek nodded, "Meredith doesn't like change. You know that. It took her a while to warm up to you, remember?""Not the same thing!" Maggie shrieked, "And she and Amelia had already lived under the same roof! With you!""Why do you think Amy moved?" He grabbed his tablet and pushed himself off the nurses station, "You wanted sisters. This is what sisters are like. They're your problem now."
Maggie blinked as she followed him down the hall, "No, no, that's not-"
Derek chuckled as he turned to face her, "Maggie, give it time. Trust me, you three are gonna be practically attached to each other, Meredith won't be living in the Dream House much more than she will at the Sister House."
"The Sister House?""Yeah," Derek nodded as he walked away, "She's practically there when she's not home. It's better than calling it the Frat House.""The fact that you and Derek still have the old porta-crib, worries me," Amelia chuckled as she walked out to the living room where one sister laid on the couch, staring off at the ceiling and the other sat with her legs curled under her."Did you close the closet door?" Meredith sighed, "You left the cabinet open when you grabbed the plates.""And this is why I moved into your old house," Amelia rolled her eyes as she sat on the arm chair across from her, "You were right, we needed a dysfunctional family dinner. Even if it was without my brother."Meredith laughed, "He's worried about you. About the Kai thing."Amelia nodded, "I tend to spiral when people leave me.""Amy," Meredith whispered, "No one is leaving you. Maggie and I are still here."Maggie sat up, "We're not going anywhere. And even if we are, you've got us."Amelia kicked off her shoes and pulled her legs close, "I have this feeling that things are gonna change one way or another. And I don't like that feeling. I don't like not knowing what's gonna happen.""Me either," Meredith sighed as she turned to her Maggie who had fallen asleep next to her, "I thought I had everything under control. With the kids and Derek. And then the carpet slipped right under me. I feel like I have no options. Like everything is pointing to one thing and I'm terrified to jump."Maggie glanced at both sisters, unsure of how to comfort them, "Winston says I'm cold and selfish. I don't think I'm cold and I'm scared that the person I love might not be the right person for me."The sisters sat in silence for a moment as the fire crackled. Three sisters, afraid of what was to come next for each of them. Unsure of where their roads would take them.For years, they'd been each other's confidants. They'd been each other's partners in crime. Seen each other at their lowest and cheered each other on at their highest. A trusted circle and a village for their children.The question was, how much longer would that remain?"You're still here?"Yasuda looked up at him and yawned, "I'm on call tonight, sir."Derek nodded, "And you're staying in your van."Mika swallowed, "Oh, um, Dr. Shepherd, I-I-I almost had it towed so I parked it in the back lot-"Derek shook his head as he leaned over the nurses station, "I'm not gonna tell you to move it. I'm not gonna reprimand you. That's not what I'm doing."Dr. Shepherd- Derek Shepherd- had a reputation. He was suave, calm, collected. An arrogant son of a bitch but a damn good surgeon. A good teacher and a decent person. That's what she'd heard from a fellow at least."Is it supposed to be this hard? Intern year? Is it supposed to feel like you're dying every single day?" she asked, "I have no place to stay. I can barely afford food on my table. I am working non-stop and picking up extra shifts just to make ends meet.""It's not supposed to be this hard," he shook his head, "I mean, it's your first year, it's supposed to be hard, but not like this."Derek watched her for a moment as she rubbed her eyes."You're done for the night," he leaned away as his hand hit the counter."What? No I can't, I told Dr. Pierce I'd-""I'm sure Dr. Pierce will understand," Derek nodded, "Get to an on-call room for the night and get some rest, I'm not gonna have you burn out. I, uh, I think I have a solution to your problem. A temporary one but it should work out.""Dr. Shepherd, I don't want to-""Go. Get some rest," he insisted as he walked down the hall. Interns this late was no strange thing. They were often the ones to stay behind and monitor patients. The grunt work that every other attending had done in their heyday."If we're going to reopen the program, Chief, we need to make sure we don't make the same mistakes we did before," Derek pointed out as he skimmed through the applications."There has to be strict rules," Maggie agreed, "We've all broken them over and over again. And we can't say we haven't. We crossed lines-""Got too close," Amelia shook her head as she thought about her past would be mentees, "So close, we damaged them.""And some of them just," Bailey sighed as she thought of her own class of interns all those years ago, "Die.""Thanks," Meredith scoffed as she turned to Miranda, "Well that's why you're here. You're all heads of your departments and you've seen good classes and bad classes. So make a list, what do we need to do to change this place back around?"They'd been so determined. So focused that the list of efforts seemed almost impossible. And when the chief had asked him to take lead, he had poured all his efforts into earning the trust of the interns. To push them and teach them the greatness that the hospital's legacy was capable of doing.Richard Webber's shoes were mighty ones to fill. No one would be able to do it, but he'd learned from his former mentor, he'd make sure to pass it down.Derek furrowed his brows at the sight of another intern sitting on a gurney, "What are you doing here? I just kicked Yasuda to an on-call room. You have the house to yourself, go home.""Oh, I'm uh, reading the charts," Lucas briefly glanced up before returning to his documents, "I don't want to miss anything."Derek nodded. He'd read the reports over the last few weeks regarding all his interns. Lucas Adams had the same notes scribbled. Slow. Sutures need practice. Diagnosing a patient can be a challenge. It went on and on and on but he wasn't ready to give up on him yet."You do know you can't always be on my service right?" Derek nodded, "I have you on this case but you're gonna have to rotate to Pierce and the rest of them eventually.""I know," Lucas looked up to look at his attendance. His unruly curls on the top of his head were a mess from the constant tugging- a habit Derek had as well, "She told you about-""You not presenting a diagnosis correctly, yeah," He nodded, "It's kind of my job to know."Lucas shut the tablet off and sighed as his uncle sat next to him on the gurney, "I'm not like you. Or Amelia. I'm not this sponge that can just absorb everything.""What do you mean?""You two just always had it together," Lucas laughed, "I mean, I'd see you at Thanksgiving or Christmas and all you and your sisters would talk about was med school and internship and starting up your practice."Derek laughed as he thought about a younger Lucas running around behind him, wide eyed at everything pouring out of him. Wanting to be just like him and ride a motorbike like his Uncle Derek."Yeah well not everything was as easy as it sounded," Derek laughed as he pressed his head back to the wall, "I was slower than the rest of my class. A little behind because I was distracted. It wasn't anyone's fault but my own."Lucas turned to him, concerned at his very confident uncle's confession, "What did Nana do to you?"They laughed as Derek clapped his nephew's knee, "You're gonna have to put in a little more work okay? I know you know a diagnosis when you see it but tomorrow, we're gonna work on getting it out of that mind of yours faster, okay?"Lucas nodded appreciably as he felt the shift of the gurney as his uncle stepped off."She's engaged," he blurted.Derek turned with his hands in his pocket. He blinked a few times before stepping closer to him, "Simone?""Yeah," Lucas whispered, "She uh, she accepted a proposal from this guy who just-""Doesn't get her," Derek nodded. A familiar story to him, "Is it what she wants?"Lucas swallowed, thinking about what to say. Did she really want this? Or was she settling with someone?"I don't know. I don't think so," Lucas shrugged, "Any advice?"Derek sighed, "I let Meredith go once. I thought it was the right thing to do. She was dating another guy and uh, somehow we just kept coming back to each other."Derek shrugged as he thought about all the many hills of Meredith and Derek. The great love story with twists and turns that had prevailed even when tested the most."You let her do what she needs to do," Derek advised, "Just make sure you're there when she needs you.""Daddy!" Ellis ran to her father's arms as he lifted her up, "We missed you! Auntie Maggie brought pasta last night but it wasn't as good as ours and Auntie Amelia brought pie. That was good."Meredith laughed at her daughter's brief but thorough report. They were back to their typical routine. Get up. Get the kids ready. Settle carpool. Off to work."Oh, well, our pasta has a secret ingredient no one knows about, that's why it's the best," he kissed her cheek before looking around the room, "Get your stuff ready and check that reading log please?"He put his youngest down- noticing how close she was to the floor already and how soon she wouldn't be able to do this. She'd grown again. A few inches, maybe just one or two, but he noticed nonetheless. He rounded the corner to meet his wife, "Where'd the sisters go? You kicked them out?""Maggie has that big surgery with Winston today and Amy had to get Scout to daycare on time," she sighed, Meredith sighed as she leaned up to her husband to quickly kiss him, "We missed you last night.""Oh I'm sure you and your sisters did," Derek chuckled, "Zo and Bails?"Meredith wiped her hands on a towel and reached for her keyes, "Getting ready for school, can you take them? I gotta be there when Addison arrives today?""Addison is coming? Oh, that explains the protesters today. The OB and neonatal team that's getting trained are coming in from out of state, right?" Derek recalled Meredith talking about it on the plane back from New York, "I got the kids, you go to work. I'm gonna crash all day after in case you call.""In case I call, you pick up that phone please," she glared at him, "And Derek?""Yeah," he turned to her as he reached for a mug."Zo? We gotta talk to her," she whispered, "Alone."He furrowed his brows, "She didn't tell you anything?"Meredith shrugged, "No. She just said school was boring but she was happy to see her friends again and then changed the topic to something else."Derek sighed. Zola was closing them off. Trying to take them off her scent and skirt past the fact that she had an interest in what she saw in Boston. This was typical of her. The Eldest Daughter Syndrome was something her therapist had mentioned once. A burden eldest daughters felt when so much was on their shoulders. Maybe she'd been on to something then."I'll pick her up after school and we can go take her out to that place she likes," he nodded, "I can get Shep to help out with the other two."Meredith froze for a moment. The kids hadn't stayed with him alone since…the accident. Derek wasn't ready. She could tell. And if she was honest, she wasn't sure she was, "You, you're sure-uh- everything is-"Derek turned to her and shook his head, "If you don't feel comfortable, I can call Erin-""No," Meredith dropped her arms, "It's not- the kids love Lucas. I'm just- if you're okay with it- if you're ready, I mean- I'm okay with it. I promise. I trust you and I trust him."A wave of emotions crashed onto Derek. He had been so angry that night. He could still feel the feeling he had the night of the accident course through his blood. He was terrified he'd lose his son. Angry at Lucas- who bore no fault- and angry at himself.But if he were truly to move on from it, he needed to trust his nephew."I trust him," Derek nodded, "I do. He's a good kid."Meredith exhaled with a smile, "Okay. I gotta go.""Little Grey-Shepherds, you're momma's leaving!""Alright, last stop," Derek sighed as he pulled over, "Have a good day- oh Bails! Lucas might be picking you up today. Something about you taking him on in soccer?""He can't take me on," Bailey smirked as he eyed his father through the mirror, "Bye Dad, see you later!"Bailey jumped out of the car excitedly. He'd been back to his happy carefree self. Something both his parents had been thrilled to see."Can I stay with you at home today?" Zola turned to him and sighed, "I know you're tired but I can practically take care of myself now.""No you can't," Derek smirked, "You've missed enough days, you gotta go to school.""Please," she implored with her brown eyes, "I'm already a genius."Derek laughed heartily, "Nice try. I'm picking you up a little early. Your mom and I need to talk to you."Zola's smile dropped. He could see the slight panic in her eyes as she fidgeted with her fingers. She pulled at the skin around her nails and swallowed, "Is it about Brookline?"Derek reached over to wrap his hand around hers to ease her nerves, "You know part of our homework with your therapist is to check in with you. It's just a wellness check.""Okay," Zola nodded unconvinced, "You do know I know better right? We're gonna end up talking about it.""When did you grow up?" Derek asked with an incredulous look upon his face, "One minute, you're in my arms pulling my pens from my coat and the next you're off to college."Zola laughed, "I'm not going to college, Dad."A moment of pure silence passed between the pair,"Dad? Do you think Ellis and Bailey will stay close when we grow up? Like mom and Aunt Maggie and you and Aunt Amy?"Derek blinked. If only his Zola knew the full truth."You know, Zo," he sighed, "I wasn't always the best big brother to her.""What do you mean?""You remember the story I told you? About how my dad died?""Yeah""She was there," he swallowed, "She was scared and I tried to protect her but in me trying to protect her, as we got older, I just pushed her away. I wasn't fair.""It took a long time for me to repair what was broken," he smiled, "Sometimes you three are gonna disagree. You're gonna fight, you're gonna be angry, but as long as you find a way to respect who they are and they do the same to you, you'll stay close."Zola nodded before her father nudged her again, "You're gonna be late. You may be a genius but you'll still get in trouble for being late."He watched as she jumped out of the car and trudged up the walkway, meeting with a friend midway.A feeling gnawed at his chest. Something wasn't right. Something didn't feel right. He grabbed the phone from the cup holder and tapped on the screen. No calls, no texts. Maybe she was busy. Maybe she was just caught up in the day to day of the hospital needs.So then why the hell did he feel the sudden need to rush over to Grey Sloan?
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"I'm fine," Meredith laughed, "What do you mean you have a feeling?"Derek sighed as he kept his eyes on the road, "I just dropped off Zola and I just had a feeling."The more he thought about it the more ridiculous he felt. She was the chief. She was busy. She had so much on her plate already the last thing she needed was to calm down her overly, unnecessarily, nervous husband."Want to know what I do?" he could practically hear her smirk, "I wait for it to pass.""The last time I gave you that advice, the hospital blew up," he laughed, "You're not helping.""I'm fine, I promise," Meredith insisted as she walked down the hall, "Busy. Overworked. Overwhelmed but otherwise I'm great.""Take it easy please," Derek sighed. He was very well aware that the response would be a no. It wasn't going to happen."Nope. I can't. Not in my nature, don't know why you bother," she retorted, "Get off the phone and get home safe.""Fine, I'll see you at home," she heard him before she clicked the phone off and walked towards the security guard waiting for her.It wasn't a good day. None of today pointed to good."Okay, tell me again?"Marcus nodded, "Protesters are outside the clinic trying to block the entrance.""Okay, well it's not illegal to peacefully protest-""Respectfully, Chief Grey," he sighed as he gestured to the door, "There's nothing peaceful about it."She followed him out the door. She could hear the screams before he opened it. She could feel the pressure seething and once she had a clear view, the fear trickled in. Angry protesters held signs accusing her doctors of murder. They shouted as nurses tried to walk through only to be yelled at and harassed. The signs were stained with cruel accusations. All in the name of life. According to them. But didn't they know that was exactly what they were doing? Since when were medical professionals the villains? When did the world turn so black and white?Meredith sighed as she closed the door, "Is Dr. Montgomery in the clinic?""Yes," Marcus nodded, "She went in with Dr. Bailey but she was here early enough that they didn't see this chaos.""Okay, push those protesters back, I want every person in that clinic protected," Meredith ordered as she closed the door."No, Dr. Grey," he sighed, "We need to close it for the day-""That's not gonna happen," Meredith shook her head as she pulled out her phone, "Dr. Montgomery and Dr. Bailey are not gonna give in and I'm not going to go over their heads. This is their clinic.""It's not safe for them to be in-""Bailey," Meredith gritted on the phone, "What's going on?"Through the phone, she could hear the chaos in the clinic. She could barely make out Bailey's words, "We are not closing Grey!""I figured-""Meredith," Addison's voice cut through, "It's my fault. They're here for me. I took two planes. I didn't take the PRC-""It's not on you Addison. This is not your fault," Meredith calmly reassured her, "Do you feel safe in that clinic? Should we close-""Are you kidding?" Addison angrily asked, "That is dozens of patients! Not to mention the OB residents that traveled hundreds of miles-""There's a hundred people outside-" Marcus insisted before being cut off once more. Meredith's head snapped up and glared at the man."Then call for backup or call control!" Addison yelled again, "We are not closing, Grey! I don't care if you are the chief. This clinic. Is not. Closing!""Okay, what do you want us to do, Grey?" Bailey calmingly asked.This was a crisis. A crisis she was in charge of. The surgical department had sponsored this clinic. And she was a board member. Chief of surgery. This was on her."Keep it open," she agreed before looking up to Marcus, "Call for back-up, get more security. And do not leave that clinic unattended! I want security at those doors now!"Marcus exhaled as he walked out to carry on with his orders."She was fine. Meredith Grey was fine.Busy. Overworked. Overwhelmed but otherwise fine.Meredith stared at the protocol books on her desk. A solid two hours had passed and she was getting nowhere. Nowhere. And there was no way in freakin' hell she would get through any of them any time soon.A knock disturbed her thoughts, "Come in.""Hey," Maggie walked in and closed the door, "The clinic has dozens of-""I'm aware," Meredith nodded, "Addison and Bailey insisted on keeping it open. I'm preparing just in case.""I can see that," Maggie peered at the book curiously, "Wasn't your husband chief once?"Yes, he was. And everything that happened during his tenure was something she was unwilling to revisit anytime soon."He was on call last night. And he had a momentary lapse of panic this morning," Meredith shook her head, "Besides Hunt's here, he had the job longer than Derek."Maggie nodded, "Richard's here too.""Richard? Why is Richard here?""No idea," she shrugged, "I just saw him talking to Altman in the hallway."Catherine. Richard had found out about Catherine's prognosis. That's why he was here. It was the only possible reason."How'd your surgery go?" Meredith asked as she changed the topic.Maggie shook her head, "The donor was in an MVC. He bled out and didn't make it.""No," Meredith sighed, "So my patient's back on the UNOS list. I tasked Lucas with coming up with a treatment plan in the meantime."Meredith sunk in her seat. It was just hit after hit."Be honest, how much am I gonna hate it?"
Derek laughed, "Just because I hated it, it doesn't mean you will. We're built differently."
"Not that much," Meredith snorted, "I live to cut and so do you. It's why you quit.""Sometimes you'll hate it," Derek shrugged as the hospital doors slid open, "Sometimes you'll have to take hit after hit and sometimes the decisions you'll have to make will be awful-""Why the hell did you let me-""But you, Dr. Grey," he turned to her with a smile, "Will be excellent. I know it."
He flashed his signature grin as the elevator doors opened behind him.
"Have you seen Amelia?""What?" Meredith snapped her head back to Maggie.Maggie leaned on the chair, "She dropped off Scout at daycare but I haven't seen her since then.""No I haven't seen her," Meredith shook her head before her phone rang, "Crap. Crap, crap, crap, crap!" She quickly stood from her chair and reached for her pair of blue converse and walkie talkie."Mer, what's going on?""Crap!"Maggie watched as she ran out of the office and down the hall, "Meredith!"Derek walked into the empty house and threw his keys on the bowl by the desk. He sighed heavily as he removed his coat."Where the hell have you been?"He jumped at the sound of his sister's gruff voice coming from the hallway."Amy!" he exhaled, "What the hell are you doing here?""Crashing in Zo's room," she shrugged, "I was gonna go home but I didn't want to be alone. So I came here. And I was alone.""I was dropping the kids off," he gathered his breath and walked towards the kitchen to serve himself a cup of the freshly brewed coffee she'd obviously just set, "I have those, remember?""Mmhm, I also remember when you'd walk me to school," she snorted, "I hated it.""What's up? Why are you here?""I told you," she stuffed her hands in her pockets as she walked to the kitchen bar, "I didn't want to be alone.""You have your sisters," he set a mug in front of her which she gratefully took, "You usually go to them.""Are you jealous I go to my sisters? Is this you and your big brother jealousy?" she playfully glared at her brother as she watched him sip his coffee."I'm not jealous," he chuckled, "I'm glad you have them."So was she. With the biological sisters she had, she was more than grateful that the universe had given her Addison, Meredith, and Maggie. They were her true sisters."Your wife's busy and Maggie is going through her own thing," she sighed, "I don't- I-I can't go to them right now.""I get it," he nodded before yawning."Oh, you were on call last night," Amelia grimaced, "Sorry, I should go and let you-""No, you should stay. Keep me busy because I'm slowly losing my own mind.""What's going on?""I just have this feeling," he shook his head, "I'm just paranoid, don't listen to me."Amelia hummed as she studied her brother."Kai left?" he gently asked. His eyes studied how his sister gripped the mug and her body tensed. Her brows slowly raised as she searched for words.Ameli shifted, "Not yet. I think they leave within the week.""You're avoiding them," he confirmed, "You don't want to face them yet. It's why you're here.""Why does everyone leave?" she whispered as she tried to hold back tears, "Why do people get shot? Why do airplanes crash? Why do people attack their doctors? Why do people try to do good and get hit by a truck? Why do people leave me?""Amy," he searched her eyes, "I'm not leaving you. I'm right here. I know that I'm not the easiest brother and I'm not the best one either but I'm right here. Even when I'm far away, I am right here for you."Amelia turned to him and gently smiled. No, her brother was not leaving her.Their phones both rang.
Attn: Grey+Sloan Staff. Out of caution, stay away from the Elaine Bailey Memorial Clinic. The scene has been determined as unsafe due to ongoing protests. Remain under lockdown if you are in the building.
"Shit," Derek pushed himself off the counter."Wait, wait, Derek, wait," Amelia called out."If you're gonna tell me to stay-""No, I'm not gonna tell you to stay here. But I am gonna drive, hand over the keys," Amelia reached for the keyes as she shoved him to the coat rack."How's Kwan?" Meredith asked as she stormed down the hall."He seems to be fine," Owen quickly reached her, "Yasuda ran neuro checks, reported it was superficial.""What about Bailey and Addison? Have we heard about the trainees?" she looked out the window and saw the protesters still picketing outside. They seemed to be far much angrier than they were in the morning. And the amount of law enforcement had increased. Deep down, she knew it wasn't enough."Everyone's scared," Link explained, "Are they under lockdown? Is the clinic under lockdown?""Yes!" Meredith confirmed, "No one goes in and no one comes out until they get the protesters under control.""What about trauma?" Link asked, "Have you considered-"Owen chimed in, "We should put out a statement-""-all the interns are-"Meredith stopped midway as she locked eyes with a figure in front of her.Richard."Everybody stop!" she called out as she looked around, "We take care of our patients. We are not sending anyone home. Make space for the clinic overflow in the ER, and help where you can"The staff nodded as they walked away. She stepped closer to her former mentor. The closest thing she had to a fatherly figure."Richard what do I do?"The man stared at her sympathetically before shrugging, "Well you're the chief."Meredith snorted, "Thanks. Very helpful."Richard gently chuckled before stepping forward, "You're the chief. You know your staff, you know what they need. You don't need me or Hunt or even Shepherd to tell you what to do.""Right," Meredith gulped, "What are-what are you doing here?""I heard Addie was in town and I wanted to say hello," he looked around, "To my surprise, there's a million protesters around there and the clinic has been shut down.""They didn't want to," Meredith shook her head, "But a resident was hit with a brick with the words Montgomery Murders written on it.""Oh God," Richard gulped, "Bailey and Addison? They're alright? Is everyone safe?""They're locked down," Meredith nodded, "So far, they're okay.""See," Richard smiled, "You're Doing the right thing. You're keeping everyone safe. You were an excellent choice for chief. Always have been."Meredith heard chatter through the talkie. She lifted it closer to her ear before freezing. Her gaze slowly lifted to Richard."What?" he asked, "What's wrong? What's going on?"She swallowed."C'mon," Derek slammed the hand on the dashboard as he grunted, "Why the hell is there so much traffic?"He could've sworn that every lane was moving except the one they were in. He'd probably get there faster if he jumped out and ran."Okay, you need to relax," Amelia turned to him and then to the standstill traffic, "This is why I said I would drive-""You drive like shit."Amelia scoffed, "I'm not the one who stopped in the middle of-""You crashed the Mustang!""I was fourteen! And I was high! I had an excuse- a bad one- but, what's yours for being such an idiot?""Amy!""You started it!" she hissed, "I'm sure everything is fine. It's under lockdown as a precaution.""I had a feeling," he swallowed, "I had a freaking feeling."Amelia quickly eyed him before gripping the wheel, "I told them not to leave.""What?""Kai? I asked Mer if she would consider offering Kai a research position at the hospital," Amelia swallowed, "And uh, she said she would. So I told Kai and they replied that our relationship works because of the dynamic of our relationship.""Which means?""I don't have Scout on the weekends when they're here. And then they decided to move here and Scout was so much more present," Amelia continued, "They don't want kids, they made that very clear and it's unfair of me to ask them to change their mind. Link did that to me and I hated him for it.Derek watched as his sister nearly broke down in front of him, "You're right."Amelia turned to him with a glistening look, "I am?""You can't ask them to want something they don't," he whispered, "But you're allowed to feel the pain."Amelia blinked away the tears, "Not right now. I'm driving and you already think I drive like shit."Derek chuckled, "Amy?"His sister's eyes locked with his own. Practically identical blue irises."Thanks for the distraction," he whispered, "I know you're not ready to talk about it so…thanks."The traffic moved.A pregnant woman was lifted off the ambulance."What happened?"Marcus turned to Meredith and shook his head, "We were escorted them out of the clinic from the back- as protocol dictates-""So how the hell did this happen if you escorted them out?""A car came out of nowhere," Jo yelled as she walked in behind a patient. She turned to Owen and dictated name, condition, vitals, everything he needed to know to save her, "Dr. Montgomery is in the rig behind her."This was worsening. It was worsening and she needed to make sure everyone in the building was safe and sound. That everyone made it home."Okay, everyone listen up," Meredith commanded, "The entire hospital is under lockdown. No one gets in unless they are essential staff! We are on a hospital wide lockdown! All essential personnel will be escorted out and everyone else stays indoors until law enforcement clears us!"She watched another gurney make its way into the ER. This time she immediately recognized the patient. Meredith quickly made her way over, "Addison!""I was only clipped by a car," Addison's no nonsense voice calmly explained, "It's my shoulder""Okay we need to assess you-""Grey-""You were my attending years ago," Meredith turned to her sternly, "But I'm the chief now, and you need to be assessed before you go near any patient.""Tia," Addison swallowed, "Someone needs to take-""We got her," Meredith nodded before turning to Bailey, "You okay?""I'm hanging in there," Bailey nodded, "I'm gonna check in on Tia and get Karev on stand-by in case we need him."Meredith looked around. Chaos flourished everywhere.She was fine. Meredith Grey was fine.Busy. Overworked. Overwhelmed but otherwise fine."I'm sorry sir, I can't let you in" the guard insisted as he pushed the firefighter back, "You're not bringing in a patient""My wife is in there! My kid is in there!""Ben!""Derek," Ben turned around and shook his head to find Derek push through the crowd and make his way closer to him, "Did you just get here? They won't let me in?""What the hell's going on?" he asked desperately as Amelia pushed through the crowd, "Why aren't they letting anyone in?""Essential personnel only," The guard explained.Derek and Amelia checked their pockets. They groaned as they both realized that their hospital badges had been left in the house alongside their case notes and other work. No proof they were employees here."Why is it under lockdown?" Derek asked as he peered through the window in search of anyone they knew."You don't know?" Ben blinked, "The protesters got violent. Someone was hit by a car. Bailey won't pick up-""Who was hit?' Amelia asked as she noticed the blood drain from her brother's face, "Do you know who was hit?'"I don't know, I just heard it on the radio," Ben shook his head as he desperately turned to the glass door, "Don't they know you work here? That your wife's the chief? Derek?""You sure you don't know who the hell got hit?" Derek calmly asked.Ben realized why his friend had frozen, "If it had been Meredith, I would-""You don't know," Derek swallowed as he realized he wouldn't get any clear answer, "You're not sure. You don't know."Ben blinked, "No, I-I don't. It's why I rushed over.""Hey!" Alex yelled from the inside, "Let them in, they work here?"The security guard turned to the doctor yelling inside, "We have orders! Essential personnel only-""They're doctors here, two neurosurgeons and an anesthesiologist, they're essential! And one of them is on the board of directors. You really don't want to piss him off!"The security eyed Ben- clad in his firefighter uniform."What? You heard him, let us in. You want to see my medical license?"The guard stepped aside as the three rushed inside. They quickly made their way to the surgical wing, noticing the chaos inside the building."Bailey's in surgery," Alex explained as he pointed to a direction, "I'm heading to her OR now.""What about the daycare?" Amelia asked. She could feel a knot form in her throat."Kids are good in there, playing with playdoh," he nodded, "I was just there.""Karev, where's Meredith?" Derek desperately asked."Haven't seen her. I'm sure she's fine," Alex turned, "But one of your interns has a head injury and Montgomery is in the ER-""What?" Amelia asked desperately before bolting to the ER."Amelia!" Derek chased after her before turning to Alex, "Karev, If you see Mer tell her to text me to let me know she's alive!""I'm fine," Addison insisted, "I just need you to pop this shoulder in-""Not without some sedation-" Link shook his head as he tried to help the surgeon.Amelia ran into the room before, "Addison-""Amelia, tell him I'm fine!" Addison angrily gritted. She sat up on the gurney and eyed her, desperate to be liberated from the confined space. She was needed elsewhere, not on this damn gurney."You are not getting it popped in!" Amelia yelled, "Not like this!"Amelia turned to her coparent and gripped his arm, "Scout?""Safe, he's safe," Link nodded, "I gotta sedate her if-"No!" Addison groaned in frustration, "Derek, you tell him!"Derek pursed his lips together, "You're not getting it popped in without sedation. Have you seen Meredith?""I have a patient who is having a c-section because some idiot came after me!" Addison groaned loudly back in as she turned to Link, "Pop it back in, dammit!"A crash interrupted before Derek could ask about his wife once more."Kwan, are you okay?""I'm fine, it was just a superficial cut" Kwan answered as he tumbled when he tried to stand up.Intern. Hit. head. Right. Karev had told him."You could be concussed," Derek blinked as he turned to the second intern in the room, "Uh, Millin, take Kwan to CT, I'll be right in."Kwan shook his head, "I don't need-""You're off the floor, Kwan!" Derek shouted, "Get a CT!"Millin pulled him out of the room as Derek looked around, spotting another intern, "Shep! Where's Grey?""I-I was just- hey, I can't get the kids," Lucas yelled as he walked backwards to his destination, "I'm scrubbing in on a trauma and-""I'll get Erin," Derek shook his head, "Where's Grey?""I heard her in here a while ago announcing the lockdown. I have to go!" Lucas ran off leaving his uncle breathing in relief.A shout shook him away. Link had given in and popped in Addison's shoulder. With no sedation."I have to call Jake," he heard Amelia say, "If we don't-""Don't call him! I don't want to scare him or Henry," she retorted as she tried to sit up."Derek help me out here," Amelia glared at her brother.Addison stood, "I swear Derek, if you try to convince-""I have been losing my mind since the second I found out the clinic was under lockdown. Meredith won't answer my calls or my texts and I haven't heard from her. I won't be fine until I physically get my eyes on her and see that she's fine." he lowered his voice as he brutally opened up to his ex-wife, "I know you're my ex-wife and I should be the last person to tell you this but if you don't tell Jake, he will also be losing his damn mind! Call your damn husband, Addie!"Addison glared at her ex-husband angrily, "Fine. Call Jake."Amelia sighed in relief, "Okay. I'll be back."Link shook his head as he reached the bed.Derek made his way to leave the room."Derek!"He turned."She's fine," Addison whispered, "She was also yelling at me when I came in on the gurney. I had eyes on her."Derek exhaled before turning to Link, "Don't listen to her if she says she doesn't have any pain. You do everything to get her home safe.""Adams!" Meredith yelled from the end of the hall, "What the hell are you doing here! You're supposed to pick up-""I just talked to Derek," he shouted back, "I'm on a case, he said he'd get the sitter-""He's here? Derek's in the hospital?" Meredith's eyes widened. The hospital was under lockdown, how the hell was he here?"Yeah, I think he's the attending working on Kwan," Lucas nodded, "He was in the ER."Meredith exhaled, "Okay, you're scrubbing in with-?""Bailey and Hunt," he nodded as he showed her his phone, "I have the husband on hold, I gotta run-""Go, go!" Meredith turned to find the elevator doors open, "Alex!""What?" he yelled as he looked up at her. He was in a hurry, she could tell."How's the baby?""Montgomery is with him," he explained, "He's stable, we had a scare but he's stable."Stable. That was good. Not perfect, but good. So far."Okay keep me updated," she yelled as men in suits and police uniforms approached her.This she remembered. Derek was constantly questioned after the shooting. Hunt constantly coordinating after the storm. Bailey trailing with officers behind her after the fire.This she didn't enjoy.A stout man in a dark suit approached her, "Dr. Grey, I'm Detective Ramos. Can we discuss coordination with you?""Yes, in here please," she swallowed as she led them into the conference room.Derek tapped on his shoulder as he tried to ease his nerves. He waited for the computer to load the images as Kwans voice was heard over the intercom."What do you see?" Derek asked his intern.Millin studied the scan, "No bleeding or fractures. No traumatic brain injuries."Good," Derek nodded as he clicked on the intercom, "Kwan, you're clear but you need to go home-""I can't go home. I live alone. If I go home, I fall asleep and die and no one would know."Derek sighed. He was right. Things could easily take a sharp turn. He needed to remain with people around him. He turned to Millin, "Okay, you need to supervise him-""Dr. Shepherd, I don't want to-" she objected."He can't scrub in on any surgeries and he can't do any procedures." he shook his head "Only let him do notes and patient intakes."Millin rolled her eyes, hoping Dr. Shepherd had missed it. He didn't."Jules, I get you five are competitive and you two are the most competitive with each other, but if you're going to survive your intern year, you need to watch out for each other.""Dr. Shepherd-""Consider this an assignment," he shook his head, "He's gonna need regular neuro checks. Page me if he has any dizziness or headaches."Jules sighed, "Yes, Dr. Shepherd.Hours passed. Some things seemed to slow down. And when Meredith finally had a moment to breathe, the patient she promised Addison she'd care for was in the ICU. Meredith watched as they took her in her room and connected every IV and machine.Bailey leaned over the nurses station and watched. Patiently."Hey," Meredith approached Bailey, "They caught the driver and the lockdown has been lifted.""Oh, that's good." Bailey sighed. She turned back to the patient, watching every single step. Meredith could see the exhaustion in her eyes."Miranda, you should go home. I heard Ben was in the gallery-""I kicked him out, he shouldn't have-""He was worried," Meredith reassured her, "He was worried and wanted to make sure you were safe. You need to get home to your daughter and your husband and rest. Tia will be fine."Bailey exhaled, "Why is this happening? Why are we the ones…I just want to help. It's all I want to do."Meredith swallowed a lump in her throat. Miranda Bailey- Dr. Miranda Bailey- was never one to go down without a fight. She was never one to sit and watch. She was someone who took action.Meredith whispered, "If you want to keep the clinic closed for a few days-""No, no, we can't close it," Bailey shook her head, "It'll be open tomorrow morning."A doer. Dr. Bailey was a doer and a person she highly respected. She'd keep fighting."Dr. Bailey?" Lucas stepped from the hallway with a man next to him, "This is Brandon Marwood. Tia's husband."His eyes turned to Meredith and nodded before he walked away. Meredith watched as Bailey escorted Brandon into the patient's room. She watched as she explained to her the intricacies of her condition.She sighed in relief. This was a day for the books. Having to run around the hospital, directing traffic, yelling at security. Now all they needed was for Tia to wake up and meet her son.Meredith pushed herself off the nurses station and made her way to the elevator. She rubbed the back of her neck as she waited for the doors to open.To her surprise an intern sat on the floor. Her arms around her knees. Stoic and frozen."Yasuda? Are you okay?" Meredith stepped in and lowered to her level, "Yasuda look at me."It reminded her of her daughter. Sitting on the floor trying to assess the world around her while her insides trembled with fear."No," Yasuda shook her head, "I don't think I am.""Okay," Meredith swallowed, this intern was having a panic attack, "Let's take some deep breaths. In and out. C'mon."She helped the intern gather herself and quickly stopped the elevator. Waiting patiently for Yasuda to gather her breath."I'm sorry, I'm sorry,"Yasuda quickly made her way to stand, "I didn't mean to hide. I didn't mean to freeze! Surgeons don't freeze.""You aren't in an OR," Meredith assured her as she stood with her, "This was a traumatic and violent day. You didn't sign up for things like this, no one did, this job is not supposed to be like this. You are human and you are allowed to feel."Yasuda looked up to her and nodded."We're human," Meredith assured her, "We can only do so much.""How's she doing?" Derek asked as he hung up the phone. He stood next to his sister as they watched her and Alex care for the preemie they'd helped deliver."Jake's on his way up," Amelia sighed as she shifted her weight, "She's pissed at me but I know she needs him. And she's biting her lip which means she's in pain""Yeah," Derek turned away from the window and leaned against it. He tapped on the phone screen again, willing a text or a call."Still haven't seen her?" Amelia's voice cut through his thoughts"No," he shook his head, "Scout? How's he doing?""Link took him home," Amy smiled, "I saw him for a bit and stayed with him before Link finished. He's okay."Derek smiled before his eyes caught sight of his sister-in-law, "Mags! Where's Mer?""I haven't seen her since this morning," she shook her head as she turned and walked towards them, "You guys okay? When did you get here?""Hours ago," Amelia gulped as she stared at Derek, "Go find her. I'll stay with Addie-""Yeah, I got the kids," Maggie nodded, "I'll go check on them.""Thanks," Derek nodded as he pushed himself off the glass, "Zo's gonna have questions. It's probably all over the news now and I haven't been able to-""I got Zo," Maggie nodded as she watched him rush to the elevator.As the doors closed behind him a text arrived.
You're okay, right?
Derek sighed as he pressed the red emergency stop and clicked his daughter's contact."Daddy?" Zola's trembling voice echoed."Hey, princess," he sighed as he tried to mask his nerves. He ran his fingers through his hair and pulled on the ends, "Everything's fine, they lifted the lockdown.""Mom won't pick up her phone, I tried calling her a million times and she won't-""I know, I know, she's been with police officers and trying to make sure everyone is safe and-""Did you see her?""Yeah," he lied, "Momma's fine."Zola remained quiet for a moment."Zo?""You're coming home? The both of you? Are you coming home tonight?"Derek sighed. His daughter had another panic attack. The fear that she'd lose her parents- her mother- was still very real."As soon as we can, we're going home, okay?" he tenderly confirmed as he tried to imagine holding her in his arms, "Aunt Maggie is on her way to stay with you three for a bit before we can get out of here.""Okay," he heard his daughter swallow, "Can you tell mom to call me?"He pressed the emergency stop again, releasing the elevator, "As soon as she can."As they exchanged goodbyes, the hospital doors opened, "Derek-"The voice was instantly recognizable. And there was only one reason why that person was here."Richard," he turned to him, "Hell of a day for you to be here.""Yeah, Meredith had a handful today."At the sound of her name, Derek's head perked up"Have you seen her?""A while ago," Richard confirmed, "She seemed fine. A little overwhelmed but you know the job.""Yeah," Derek exhaled before he studied Richard, "You're here about Catherine?"Richard nodded solemnly, "She told me. How bad is it?"Derek stared at him for a moment. Catherine hadn't given him the clear to discuss her health. She held a powerful hand and he wasn't about to betray her trust, "Richard-""Years? Months? Tell me the truth," Richard insisted, "I just need to know.""We can never know. Not completely. And Catherine wants to do things her way and I know you're my friend but she's- Richard she's my patient. I can't break that trust unless you're okay with her looking for someone else. Amelia would say the same thing."Richard nodded, "You'll tell me. If I should be-""We're not there yet," Derek admitted as he clapped his shoulder, "It's all I can say. Just- just be there for her. Let her know you're her shoulder. Just be there.""Zo-Zo," Meredith exhaled as her daughter picked up the phone, "I'm so sorry-""Mom are you okay?" Zola practically yelled, "I talked to Dad and-""We're okay, we're fine, I saw Dad and he's good," Meredith fibbed. For the sake of her daughter's stability, a tiny fib was acceptable, "Everyone is okay.""I was so scared," she could hear Zola try to contain her tears. She had younger siblings and she was always the strong one for them. And she'd bet anything that Zola was hiding in that closet of hers."You remember the lion daddy bought you?" Meredith whispered, "I brought it to you when you had your shunt revision?""Yeah?""What else did Daddy and I get you when you were little? Tell me four more things. Four things that brought you joy."Zola went quiet for a moment. She was thinking. Some thinking was good for Zola."My sock monkey. And my teacup set," she giggled, "And then dad got me the stethoscope I wanted for my birthday when I was seven and the Tessa books you gave me for Christmas""Okay good," Meredith lightly chuckled, "I'm gonna be home soon, okay? Dad and I are both gonna be home with you and Bailey and Ellis.""Okay," Zola sniffed, "Ellis fell asleep a little while ago. And Bailey is in his room playing video games. I checked their homework. They finished everything."Meredith smiled as she pictured Zola bossing them around as Bailey resisted his older sister's commands, "You're such a good sister, Zozo. I love you. We both love you so much.""Me too," Zola's voice trembled just a bit."Okay, we'll wake you up when we get home okay?" She hung up the phone and made her way to the catwalk. The final hurdle to her office."Chief Grey-" Lucas called out, mindful of calling her anything but, "Chief!""No! No, I'm done. I'm done for the day. If you need a consult look for someone else please-""Not its' not-""Adams I'm not kidding," she gritted through her teeth as she walked down the catwalk, "I need to get-"She stared ahead at the figure in front of her. Equally frazzled. Just as exhausted. Most likely searching for her.Derek exhaled from the opposite side of the catwalk. The sight he'd been waiting for all day finally providing relief."-home," Meredith finished with a shudder."He's been looking for you all day," Lucas explained.Those corny, over the top romantic scenes where the guy gets the girl and they run to each other had nothing on this.They both tiredly made their way to each other until they crashed into one another. Their arms enveloping and gripping at each other. Meredith stood on the tip of her toes as she reached to wrap her arms around his neck, her face tucking in the sweet spot she'd often find between his neck and jaw. She inhaled his signature scent, breathing in the relief that she was safe.Derek's arms wrapped around her lithe frame. Holding her a little tighter and slightly swaying. His eyes closed as he inhaled the lavender smell he'd grown so fond of. It was a scent he'd recognize anywhere. So penetrating and comforting, that being surrounded by it provided a safety net.They were fine. No marks or scrapes. No scars or need for an emergent surgery.A whirlwind day ending in each other's arms. Safe.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"We were supposed to go to dinner with Zo," Meredith whispered into the dark. She could feel his hand gently move up and down her arm as he spooned her. He was still awake, and the closeness only meant he was still a little rattled from the chaos in the day."Truthfully, so was she."I know," he whispered back, "We can try again in a few days."She sighed, "I called her back after I missed her phone calls and lied to her. I told her I saw you in the middle of the whole chaos and that you were fine, I mean you were fine but I didn't even know you were even in the hospital you-"She rolled over after feeling his body gently shake. A slight chuckle escaped him, "What? What's so funny?""I lied and said I saw you in the middle of the chaos too," he answered. She could see his signature grin in the darkness, "We're a pair of liars.""All for the sake of our daughter's stability," Meredith shook her head, "We make a good team.""Yeah," he whispered as he pushed a strand back, "We'll make the time. We'll find a way, I promise."Throughout the mistakes and errors Derek Shepherd had made, he had learned one thing. His children, his family, were the most sacred thing he had. He'd been fortunate to have been able to see them grow into the incredible people they were. That thing he'd told her years ago, that feeling he felt was still very true. He could have the most awful day at the hospital and just one glance at his family made it all go away. They were just….coming up for fresh air. There was just no other way to say it.He knew Meredith felt the same way. He'd watched her become the most incredible mother who loved her children so fiercely she'd give up everything for them. He watched her set an example for their girls, watched how she taught Bailey kindness and sincerity, the gentleness she offered when they were hurt, the hugs she'd give when she came home.They had been a tight knit bunch, the five of them. And for a while, it felt like they were being torn in different directions. Like the ghosts of the past were haunting them and not letting them move forward. It was terrifying.Meredith smiled back, "I know."There was so much confidence in her voice, that any fear he felt, vanished.Derek leaned in to kiss her softly. She kissed him back with the same tenderness he offered before moaning, "Mm, I'm too tired for sex."He let out a breathy chuckle as he kissed her again, "I'm not asking for sex," he kissed her again, "besides your the one whose pulling at my clothes."Meredith pulled back and stared at him through hooded eyes, "I was scared. I know it didn't seem like it, but I was scared.""I know," Derek whispered back, "I was scared to."Years ago, she probably would've asked to turn the light on and to leave it on.She reached his lips again. Tired or not she'd have him. She'd lose herself in the security net that he offered.Tonight, all she needed was to be in his arms. And all he needed was to know she was safe.The thing about life is that it never slows down. There's never a moment to pause and just take it in. It's an avalanche of emotions and chaos that happens one after the other. The peaceful moments are little treasures.And a week later, there was still no peace. No little treasures. Just decisions after decisions- or the plans to make decisions. Three kids and flourishing careers made it hard to make them."Mom," Ellis' voice called out, "Remember that my playdate with Morgan is today!"Meredith gasped, "Is that today? I thought it was Friday!""It is Friday," Derek rounded the corner, "Zo, Bails, if you want a ride with me, I'm leaving soon!"Meredith watched as he stuffed his ferry boat scrub cap in his briefcase. She turned to him, "Daniel's surgery is today.""Yeah," he nodded, "Amy is scrubbing in with me today by the way.""Ellis! We gotta go, c'mon hon," Meredith called out."Mom, Dad," Bailey ran in with his backpack hanging on his back, "Remember I told you that Eric invited me to a movie tonight for his birthday? Is it still okay if I go? His mom said she could pick us after school."Meredith turned to Derek, "Wait, it's Friday!""Yes, I just told you that," he nodded before turning to Bailey, "If your momma's fine with it, I'm okay with it. You studied for that science test?""Yeah," Bailey nodded, "Zola quizzed me last night. She said I couldn't embarrass her in front of her favorite science teacher"Derek shook his head with a slight chuckle before his wife spoke again."We were supposed to have dinner at the old house tonight," Meredith explained, "It's Friday."Derek blinked with sudden realization, "Oh, right. Well maybe we can postpone tonight and do something tomorrow-""You promised to take us fishing tomorrow," Bailey interrupted, he looked up and noticed his mother's worried face, "Sorry, but he did. Mom, can I go?"Meredith sighed. Skipping their weekly dinners wasn't something she liked. But maybe this one time, it would be fine. Just once."Okay, yes it's fine with me as long as we pick you up," Meredith shrugged as a sudden realization hit her, "Wait that means that we can-""Uh-huh," Derek nodded knowing exactly what she was alluding to. If both Ellis and Bailey were off doing their own thing, there was nothing stopping them from talking to Zola.Finally.As if on queue, Zola and Ellis both ran out, "Ready!""Hey!" Meredith leaned over the counter with a smile, "Derek and I can't make it to dinner tonight, so we're gonna pass. We're spending the weekend with the kids, so-"Amelia looked up, perplexed, "Wait, what? You two never miss Friday dinners unless you're out of town."A true comment. The family dinners had fluctuant participants. There were dinners where there was a full house, where the likes of Richard and Catherine would show and sometimes the dinners were far more intimate and only the sisters and their significant others would show or just the sisters. But the family that had been consistent in hosting and joining were the Grey Shepherds. In fact, they had been the ones to begin such a tradition- if you could call it that."We've been meaning to spend some time with Zo and talk about Boston and New York. Ellis was invited for a playdate and Bailey is hanging out with Lucas," Meredith shook her head, "We're both off early today and we really have to make time for her. We have to be there for Zo."Amelia smiled nervously, "Are you guys leaving? Is it looking like you'll be-"Meredith shrugged, "We don't know yet. We just know we need to check in with Zo and we'll take it from there."Meredith noticed how she was lost in thought before smiling brightly and holding up a medical journal."Did you see this?" Amelia showed her the journal with Maggie's face plastered on its cover, "Maggie made the cover!"One thing Meredith appreciated about Amelia was the support she had for everyone in her life. The way she stood beside them even if she pushed them to let her stay. She'd been the only one willing to be supportive of her moving to Minnesota when everyone else had turned against her."We saw it this morning. I think Derek's feeling threatened by Zo's curiosity with cardio," Meredith laughed as she noticed her sister round the corner, "Hey! Congrats on the article! I haven't read it yet but it's already making a lot of buzz in the hospital.""And this picture!" Amelia gushed, "I mean, wow!"Maggie shook her head dismissively as she snatched it from Amelia's hands."I need you to request a retraction," Maggie hurried and clenched Meredith's arm, "Now. I need the hospital to call whoever-""Maggie?""You can do that right? You can ask for a retraction or correction or something?"Maggie was just as supportive. She cared so deeply for everyone and was always ready to step up whenever Meredith needed her. She was a wonderful aunt and the children cherished her deeply. Lexie was precious. No one could ever replace her. And out of all the things Ellis Grey had left behind, Maggie had turned out to be the best of them.Amelia stared dumbfounded, "Maggie what is going on?""I-ugh," she groaned before rubbing her forehead, "I said something that was printed and gonna make Winston hate me even more than he already does.""Is that still going on?" Meredith asked skeptically as she turned to Amelia."It never ended," Amelia shrugged."I may have referred to him as a glorified assistant rather than my co surgeon," Maggie admitted, "It reads terribly. I mean, I couldn't even- can you help?""Okay, well I know how that feels, I don't know how much it'll help if he's already read it-""Meredith, please," she insisted.Maggie rarely asked for these types of favors. And she was a professional through and through. But the way her marriage was crumbling made her heart ache. She knew how that felt. To feel like the person you loved most was just pulling away was such a treacherous feeling. Especially if things remained in the silence."I will make some calls," Meredith sighed, "Have you talked to him?""No- I mean yes but I can tell he hasn't read it so he's happy go lucky and excited," Maggie shook her head, "I can't even picture what he'll be like when he actually reads it. I can't go home yet even if I wanted to.""Are you still crashing with Amelia?"Meredith turned to Amelia who had a guilty look on her face, "Hey, you said that house was open to everyone. So, she's there as long as she needs to."Meredith sighed. The Sister Chief Trifecta was still intact. Despite each of them branching in their own little cocoons of marriage and kids, they were still there for each other. Sometimes it made her miss Cristina, but then she remembered that Cristina's happiness wasn't kids and marriage. It was surgery. And she was thrilled to know she was living in happiness.Meredith smiled sympathetically, "Talk to your husband. Don't let it drag out.""Says the happily married mother of three," Maggie muttered under her breath as she watched her sister walk away. She turned to Amelia with a sigh, "So uh, I think we're gonna gracefully bow out of dinner this week. I have a bad-""What? No, no, no, no! No! Teddy and Owen barely stop by now. Link is on call and Meredith and Derek just backed out," Amelia stood, "This is tradition! It's an important tradition-""Yeah, yeah," Maggie sighed, "I know, I know. It's important, I remember. But honestly, I think I just need some space. Just tonight."Amelia pouted."We'll do it next week," Maggie encouraged her, "Mer and Derek will bring the kids and it'll be a very loud bunch. Like old times.""Is this gonna be a thing now?" Amelia asked from her seat, "Dinners on Friday? It's the second one we do.""Yes," Derek nodded as he sat at the head of the table, "Pass the peas please.""You remember the last time you tried to invite me to dinner?" Maggie asked from her seat as she took the tray and handed it to Amelia. Derek and Meredith laughed.
Meredith laughed, "I told you we just lost track of time.
Amelia snorted, "I lived with them, I know that's code word for-"
"Read the room!" The two parents pointed to the children on the opposite side of the living room. Bailey and Zola had been sitting by their small table. And Ellis had been in her play pen toying with some blocks.
Amelia rolled her eyes, "Get used to it with them Maggie."
"So why are we having dinners?," Maggie asked politely, "What's going on?"
Amelia looked up at her brother and smirked, "Is this an epiphany after your near death experience?"
She turned to Maggie, "He has one every couple of years."
"Actually," he smiled, "This was Meredith's idea.""It was?"
Meredith rolled her eyes with a heavy sigh, "We've all lost so many people or we've almost lost people."
She turned to Derek who seemed lost in the weight of her words, "You once said that a big family was good. It was crazy and messy and that is what we have. We are crazy and messy. And we have this big house and it should be loud and full of people just like we once said."
They each looked around towards one another. She was right. Their village was huge, Alex, Callie, Arizona, Owen, but their family- their sisters- were right here. And they were the ones who had suffered most- who would suffer most aside from their kids if something should happen.
"Adams, you're late!" Amelia shouted as they turned the hall. He ran trying to catch up to his attendings, "Dr. Shepherd trusted you on this case and you are late!""I'm sorry, I know I am! You left without-""I'm sorry," Amelia turned around and stared at him, "Last time I checked, I wasn't in charge of your alarm clock. I'm not your mother Lucas, and you need to grow up and get your ass to the hospital. On. time!"Lucas swallowed. This was the first time he had been reprimanded by his aunt in such a way. His eyes turned to the attending behind her. Derek stood with his hands on his hips as his jaw clenched. He turned to Lucas, giving no answer. He put on his best poker face but he knew damn well Amelia had said everything he was thinking as well."Yes, ma'am," Lucas nodded, "It won't happen again."Derek nodded once and turned to Amelia, "You ready?"He opened the door, ready for battle."Daniel? I'm Dr. Shepherd, nice to finally meet you in person. I'm sorry it's under these circumstances," Derek closed the door behind him and extended his hand, "This is Dr. Shepherd, she'll be assisting me on this case."Daniel blinked, "Uh, both of you are-""We're siblings," the pair responded in tandem before Amelia extended her hand, "Pleasure to meet you. This is Dr. Adams, he'll be our intern on this case-""Nice to meet you," he nodded, "So uh, are we ready to go or am I gonna be left stood up? 'Cause I gotta know doc, I gotta know if I need to-to leave my girls settled or if I can give them hope."Derek studied the man. He knew very well what he meant. If life had given him an ironclad timeline, he'd make sure his kids and wife were set. Just like he'd told her."The last time we spoke, we told you awake brain surgery was the way to go given that the tumor is right in your motor strip," Derek explained, "We told you that we'd have a better chance at clearing the whole tumor out after assessing your scans. The newest ones, tell us the same thing. We need to be aggressive and the best way to go is by doing it awake. ""We're aiming to resect the entire area and a significant amount of residual," Amelia added, "It's a lot of tumor we're going after, which is why both of us will be operating."A beat of silence passed before he spoke again, "Listen if you think there's a chance then I'll go for the surgery. If you see no clear way then- then, just let me sign the AMA. I have a family that needs me."The surgeons glanced at each other before Amelia confidently spoke, "We're willing to take a chance if you are."Lucas glanced between his two relatives then back to his notes. He couldn't screw up. He simply couldn't.But he also couldn't help the fact that the confidence he saw in his uncle and the one he heard in his aunt, wasn't at all something he had.Derek walked into the scrub room with a heavy sigh.Lucas stepped in the room with a determined look in his eyes, "Hey, I didn't mean to-""I don't want excuses Adams," Derek shook his head as he reached for a nail pick, "I want you to get it together. It's the third time you're late this week.""It's not-""Monday, your alarm didn't go off. You forgot the date on Wednesday and today you depended on Amy," Derek turned to him with a look that reminded Lucas of his mother. That look the Shepherds had whenever they put on their high and mighty coat of all righteousness."Okay, I get it I screwed up-""I put you on this case because I believe in you," Derek turned full face at him, "Because I promised you but you are making it hard for me.""Uncle-""No!" Derek shook his head, "In here you are Dr. Adams and I am Dr. Shepherd. I am not giving you a free ride and I am not going to let you drown. You got it?""Yes, sir.""Good," Derek nodded, "Prep the patient before you scrub in."Lucas swallowed and walked into the OR, Amelia walked right in with her purple fireworks scrub cap on."Did you yell at him? He has that look he had when you told him he couldn't stay outside in the snow playing with his toy trains.""Is he like this at home?" Derek asked, "Does he forget things easily? Is he disorganized and anxious?"Amelia shrugged, "I mean he's always been like that. Kathy would've noticed something, right?"Derek shook his head as he thought about the notes he'd read weeks ago."Alright, well," Amelia exhaled, "I'm gonna go check on things in there before I scrub in."Derek watched as she walked into the OR, ordering everyone around.This could be one of the final surgeries he would scrub in on with his sister as an attending in Grey-Sloan Memorial. Years ago, they'd be competitive over the more complicated cases that came. The traumas, the tumors, who had the better plan, who had the best mortality rate, anything that could be a competition they were in."Oh you're scared," Derek glanced at his sister as he scrubbed over the sink, "That's good.""Well how is that different from having self-doubt?" he could sense Amelia's sad eyes on him. She'd just left rehab- again. She'd just recovered- again. He called her fragile. But even he knew she was anything but."Well you don't doubt your skills as a surgeon," he muttered, "I wouldn't let you scrub in if you did."
He could feel his sister's blue orbs staring at him. He turned to her and smiled.
"Well, I don't- I don't see the difference.""After Dad died, any time there was a loud noise, like a gunshot, you'd jump out of your skin. You got a hold of these firecrackers. I found you in the yard, and you were setting 'em off one at a time, until you didn't jump anymore," he slightly chuckled at the memory.
He could remember a stubborn Amelia standing angrily in the yard setting off firecracker after firecracker. He let her go at it for a few minutes until she stopped jumping. He could remember how she had turned around and stared at him, her brows furrowed as she stomped back into the house angrily.
Amelia looked back down at the hands in the tin. She scrubbed quickly.
"When you're scared you fight. You face your fear and you fight. And you fight to win. Your fight is much stronger than any karmic payback.Now, the siblings worked in perfect synchronization. They studied each other's cases carefully, provided advice, suggested new techniques, and accompanied each other on long surgeries. There was a trust between the pair that was hard earned.He appreciated that. And he hated feeling helpless at watching his sister feel lonely after the person she loved left. He didn't want to further add to the pain.He reached to tighten his blue ferry boat scrub cap that sat firmly atop his head."I. Need. It. Back," he eyed her carefully as she straddled him. His palms were flat on her thighs lightly grazing the soft skin and pushing up the cloth of the shorts she'd worn to bed into dangerous territory."No," Meredith grinned playfully as her fingers danced upon his ribs, "Finders keepers or whatever.""You sound like Bailey," he laughed, "It's my lucky scrub cap! I need it back!"
Meredith rolled her eyes, "That blue one you wear works perfectly fine! Besides you don't believe in luck in the OR. You have that thing you say."
"It's my ferry boat scrub cap!"
He had a thing for ferryboats. A stupid thing really. But that scrub cap had become sacred between the pair. He called it along with the post-it, the tumor on the wall, and their children. Amongst the major milestones, there was a scrub cap that reminded them both of the pain they were put through.
Meredith bit her lip as she slightly jerked against him, "If you find it you can keep it."
He shook his head lightly. Really, it had been his fault it was in her possession again. He'd left it in his lab coat the night he had surgery for the spontaneous CSF leak over a year ago. She'd held on to it claiming it'd brought her luck on the surgery she performed on Cora.
Derek studied her features. Her green eyes shimmered against the rare, bright, Seattle sun, her blonde hair tossed over her shoulders, and her eyebrow raised, daring him to win.
He reached up to capture her lips, darting his tongue against her lips as he felt her fingers tangle in his hair. He held on to her waist tightly and quickly flipped her over, pinning her under him.
He kissed her deeply. Slowly. His tongue explored each and every corner he could. She wrapped a leg around him, inviting him for more, begging him for more. He could feel the heat within her as she pressed up against him, begging for more attention. He situated himself better, let go of her hands, and let her wrap both legs around him until-
"It's in your sock drawer," he grinned as he hopped out of bed and ran to his destination."What?" she shrieked before sitting up straight, "No, it's not-!""Ha!" he cheered triumphantly as he held up his signature scrub cap and ran off with his prize, "Finders keepers!""Dr. Shepherd," Meredith smiled as she walked into the scrub room. She looked out the window and saw Amelia preparing and making final decisions."Dr. Grey," he greeted back with a smirk."That scrub cap looks good on you," she raised a brow.Derek laughed, "Well thank you, my wife kept it hostage for a good long time."She giggled, "Are you ready?""I wouldn't have scrubbed in if I wasn't," he smiled at her as he lifted his eyes from the task at hand The signature glimmer of the overconfident Dr. Shepherd was in his eyes, "What's up?"Meredith closed the door behind her as she peaked into the OR, "This surgery could be longer than you expected, right?"Lucas stepped in and listened as Amelia explained something on the monitor. She could see the apprehension in his eyes as he processed everything she said. This was the first time the trio would be scrubbing in together. She was certain that the residents up in the gallery were seething with jealousy."Not if everything goes according to plan. I should make it out on time," he looked up, "Why?""No, nothing, just making sure we're still good for today," she shrugged, "How are you feeling?""Second time you ask me that which tells me I should ask you," he tied his mask and moved to grab the bar of chlorhexidine, "How are you doing?"Meredith sighed, "I'm fine."She could see him grimace under his mask as he cautiously turned to look at her, "Oh God, what's wrong?""Nothing's wrong," she answered sincerely, "I really just came in here to check in. Y'know that's my job as chief."He turned to her once more as the suds trickled down his arm."Okay chief," he asked, "Can I ask you a question?""Mmhm," she hummed as she approached the sink and leaned against it, her green eyes stood out with contrast of the dark purple scrub cap she wore."If Zola decides that she really likes Brookline," he treaded carefully, "Are you really ready to see yourself out of Seattle?"Meredith Grey and Seattle were just synonymous. Grey Sloan was practically a part of her. She'd fought for it and with it for so long that the mild thought of her leaving had caused a civil war.She forgave everyone, because living in constant resentment was something she just wasn't willing to do anymore. But she never forgot the feeling of abandonment she felt the day when everything seemed to crash.The look of anger and spite in Bailey's eyes when she yelled at her that she was still "that" girl sleeping with married attendings.The distress in Maggie's face when she confirmed her suspicions.The look of disappointment in Richard. That hurt the most.Even Derek had his own reservations. But that was mere insecurity and jealousy over a man who'd imposed on their marriage. She was aware that if they'd moved then, her marriage wouldn't have survived. Just like it wouldn't have survived a move to D.C. It wasn't the right time then. But now, things were different."Back in New York, at the hotel? I was laying on a bed, thinking about you and me," she leaned against the sink as she watched him continue to scrub. Four full minutes. She had four minutes to be completely honest."About everything that's happened to us over the years and how it's affected our kids without us even realizing it," she looked up, "I thought about how I've been taking jobs over the years and accepting positions and I-I can be selfish and I've earned that-""You have," he agreed, "And you're not selfish. You just know your worth, there's a difference."Meredith shook her head with a breathy chuckle, "Zola is anything but selfish. And so is Bailey and Ellie. They are good kids who watch out for each other. Zola takes care of her siblings, especially when we can't- she is the best big sister ever."He smiled as he recalled the small pink t-shirt she'd surprised him with years ago."Bailey is out there defending her because he hates seeing her hurt and Ellis was worried she wouldn't see her brother again after the accident and would sneak into her sister's room when I was stuck in the hospital."She sighed as she heard the valve shut off."They're pretty freaking great kids, Derek.""They are," he nodded once more, "They're the most selfless, most compassionate kids. You're sure they're ours?"Meredith giggled. She watched as his face lit entirely with his massive smile, proud that he'd garnered such a giggle from her."We can't be selfish and just chase the next big job or the big surgeries anymore," she continued, "We've done it all, we've seen it all. It's their turn.""We have a chance to give them everything you and I did not have when we were kids because we are both still here," she continued, "No matter what that means.""So you're saying you're ready? If what we think might happen, happens, are you ready to take that jump?""I am very ready to leave Seattle if it's the best thing for our children," she whispered, "Aren't you?"Derek softly smiled and nodded, "I'll follow you anywhere you and the kids lead."Meredith grinned. Of course he would."What about our sisters?" her grin suddenly fell, "Maggie is really going through a tough time with Winston right now and Amy hates when she feels like people leave her.""Yeah, the whole thing with Kai doesn't help either," Derek agreed, "But, we're not abandoning them, moving for our kids sake doesn't mean that. They know it's been in the works for a while and they get that the kids always come first. They'll be okay."The doors burst open as a gleaming Amelia stepped in, "Alright, we're set! I'm ready to scru- oh, sorry! Did I interrupt?""No!" Meredith pushed herself off the sink and smiled, "You didn't! We just finished. Um, I'll see you two after the surgery. Good luck."Amelia eyed her curiously as she stepped out the door. Derek made his way to the double doors leading into the OR."What was that?" Amelia asked, "Was that your wife or the chief?""Both," he answered as a sudden tinge of guilt crept through him, "I'll see you in there.""He gets to scrub in because he's a Shepherd," Kwan muttered under his breath, "It's freaking nepotism at its finest."Doesn't mean he lives up to the Shepherd Super Siblings caliber," Yasuda shrugged, "Fifty bucks says he answers something wrong and gets kicked off the case within fifteen minutes.""Really," Derek's voice burst through the intercom, "What the hell did we talk about? We're this close to getting our asses off probation and you're making jokes about what one of your peers can do?"They quickly glanced at the intercom by the wall. Someone had left it on."Sorry, Dr. Shepherd," they all quickly stammered as they sat up straight."Kwan, you scrubbed in on a major surgery with Dr. Shepherd earlier this week and completed a corpus callosotomy. Yasuda, you assisted on a major cardiac surgery with Dr. Altman, Griffith and Millin, you both scrubbed in with Dr. Pierce and Dr. Ndugu on a major surgery that has now been published for the entire medical community to read. Get over yourselves!"These eager interns had a lot to learn. Every class had been the same. Eager, overreaching, high achieving, selfish, competitive. Just like he had been with Addison, Naomi, Sam, Mark and the rest of his class.Derek noticed Meredith step into the gallery, she'd pulled off her scrub cap, her tight blonde braids still in place. She glanced at the interns and walked to the intercom and shut it off. He shook his head and made his way to his patient."How are you doing Daniel?" Derek asked, "Sorry about the interns up there.""It's like kids in high school," he chuckled, "I, uh, teach tenth graders. They can be cruel but deep down they all have something going on. We all do.""Yeah," Derek nodded as he looked up to Lucas who wrapped up whatever pre-op he had been doing and walked into the scrub room.Lucas watched as the Shepherds performed an eloquent dance. They'd worked in tandem. Knew each other's next moves, finished each other's sentences. They'd make small conversation with Daniel, request instruments, all in a perfect fashion.Lucas learned Daniel enjoyed carpentry. He taught high school science and enjoyed his job. He liked the summer breaks even though the pay wasn't great. Time with his little girl was worth it."Why did we opt for an awake surgery, Dr. Adams," Derek asked under his mask."Oh, um," Lucas swallowed, "The tumor is right in his motor strip. It's part of the neocortex which is responsible for any voluntary movements so you want to preserve its function.""And how are we going to make sure we achieve that?" Amelia asked next."We'll ask him to move his right side, fingers, toes, shoulders. It'll help us see what functions he's preserved as you resect the tumor.""Correct," Amelia beamed, "Dr. Adams, you've answered well. Nice job.""Thanks," Lucas nodded as he continued to observe."Tell me about your little girl Daniel," Derek asked, "What's her name again?""Gigi," Daniel answered, "Georgina. Named after my wife's mom."Amelia chuckled."That's funny, my little girl is named after my wife's mom too," Derek replied, "Ellis likes to cook. I fish a lot and every time I bring home trout, she's ready at the grill to fry that sucker up."Daniel chuckled, "Yeah, mine likes to bake with her ma. She made a mess in the kitchen once- flour all over her head and stuff- and I could see my wife hold in the loudest scream you could hear. What about you uh, Dr. Shepherd? You got any?""A boy," Amelia answered as she took the skull flap and placed it in the tin, "He is not named after his mom or his dad. Well kinda, his dad's name is Atticus and my son's name is Scout.""Like the- really?" Daniel asked. Clearly he was fully aware of the name links."Yep. I wasn't a fan at first but we made an agreement. Scout could be his name as long as I got to choose his middle name and names were hyphenated."Derek laughed as he requested an instrument."What is his middle name?" Lucas asked with a furrowed brow, "I mean, if it's not too much to ask."Derek continued to work meticulously, "It's a good tumor. We have clear margins.""It's lower grade, too," Amelia quickly added before glancing away from the tumor and up at her brother, "It's Derek. Scout Derek Shepherd Lincoln. After my brother."Lucas smiled. It looked like he wasn't the only one named after the man."You know," Daniel's voice cut through, "It's kinda nice knowing that you are poking around my brain and have such a good relationship. I kinda find it soothing."Lucas laughed as he moved the suction closer. He agreed, it was nice to see the two siblings have such a good relationship.The surgery continued. Both surgeons worked quietly. Every so often asking questions to put Daniel at ease. Family was his favorite topic. He went on and on about Gigi and how they had wanted another but the tumor had put a stop to those plans.Amelia turned to Lucas, "Adams let's do that sensory check."Up in the gallery, the interns watched carefully and took notes. A few attendings rotated in and out of the gallery. Dr. Lincoln, Dr. Hunt, Dr. Ndugu, Dr. Altman. They'd all step in and make small talk with the chief who sat with her hands folded at the center seat of the front row.Maggie stepped in and sat in the empty chair next to her, "How's it looking.""Motor skills seem okay so far," Meredith commented, "Adams just checked and he can still move his right side which is good.""It's a big one," Maggie sighed.Meredith turned to her sister, "He read it, didn't he?"Maggie exhaled, "He thinks I don't respect him. He says I'm cold and that I don't see him as an equal."Meredith nodded, "It's not the first time he says that-""I know but I don't know how to fix it!" Maggie exclaimed as quietly as she could, "I respect him, I do. I-I-""But you don't see him as your equal," Meredith added, "You told him you didn't respect his choice."Maggie furrowed her brows, "You once left neuro for Derek-""It's not the same," Meredith shook her head, "I didn't leave it for him, I broke my attending's trust, that's the difference. My husband? The man who steps out of here, that's different. Besides I'm the one with the Catherine Fox Award, not him."Meredith smirked but noticed she got no reaction from Maggie. Maggie stared ahead at the surgeons performing their dance."Can you separate Winston from the surgeon?" Meredith dared to ask.Maggie sighed, "Derek asked me that once."Meredith nodded. Of course he had. They'd been on the same page when the sisters had problems. He was a little more defensive but tried to keep a distance. Having four sisters taught him that."I once told Derek I could live without him," Meredith recalled, "And I can. I can do it. And he could do it too. We have lives aside from each other. But I choose not to. And I'm happy I do because I love him and I love the life we have together. And so does he- I mean it's not always perfect there's days I want to run and get away from him because we spend so much time together and his perfect hair can be annoying and I know my rambling annoys him and he talks too much and I snore but we have a good life. And I'm sure he feels the same. We've made it clear, we're in it for forever."She paused for a moment as she thought about their conversation in the scrub room. They were about to cement a decision that could change what that forever looked like. It would've been scary years ago but now she was prepared and confident. Her instinct had told her that this might be the thing that their family needed."I'm happy for you but what does that have to do with me," Maggie shrugged."I'm just saying," Meredith shook her head trying to gather her thoughts, "Maybe consider if you want the same life."Maggie nodded, "Oh, by the way, you might uh-"She froze for a moment, "Never mind.""What? I might what?""No, you just gave me a lot to think about," Maggie stood as she shook her head, "Thanks."Meredith smiled as she looked down at her phone. She sighed as she stood and stepped out.Chief duty called.Derek smiled proudly as he watched Daniel move his leg. He had function in both areas."Okay," Derek swallowed, "That's good, that's very good."Dr. Adams looked up and nodded, "Neuro checks every hour right?""That's right Dr. Adams," Derek nodded, "Set alarms on your watch and phone, now before I leave.""Yes sir," Lucas nodded as he pulled his phone out. He was disappointed in himself. He should've been on time, he shouldn't have missed rounds and he shouldn't have made up stupid excuses. Now all Derek would see would be the teenager that he reprimanded that rare Christmas he spent in New York."You got the whole thing right?" Grace stood at the door with Amelia by her side.Amelia exhaled deeply as she made eye contact with her brother. She nodded once, telling him she'd already shared the news."We got the whole thing," Derek smiled, "The whole damn thing."Grace held her composure as tears flowed down her face, "He's gonna live- he-he's gonna-""He is going to need time to recover," Amelia added, "He has some weakness on the right side but it's normal after a surgery like this.""But I'll have him," Grace cried, "He's not leaving me?"Amelia wrapped her arm around him, "He's not leaving you."Lucas watched as the pair turned their surgeon roles on. They explained patient care, overnight routines, and continuous care. He watched how his uncle approached the married couple with empathy. How he made sure they both knew they were being taken care of.How he gave them hope. Real, honest, hope.As they exited the room Lucas swallowed, "Dr. Shepherd.""Yeah," Derek turned to him, "What's up?"Lucas sighed, "I just wanted to apologize for being-""Save it," he answered, "I don't need any more excuses. I defended you in there but I need you to get it together.""I'm trying-""I know," Derek sighed, "But you need to try harder. The notes I got back after my trip to New York and Boston, they worry me. It's telling me that you cannot get it together if I'm not here and that is not okay with me-"Lucas nodded, "I'm gonna do better, I promise.""Really?" Derek asked again. His eyes searched his face, "Because you won't always have me around to defend you from your classmates that accuse you of benefiting from having a cohort of relatives here!"Lucas swallowed."And I know I promised I wouldn't throw it in your face, I know I'm being harsh, but Lucas, I know you can be great," Derek said in a quieter tone, "But you need to get it-""Together," Lucas clenched his teeth, "I get it."Derek nodded, "Did you set those alarms?""Oh no uh, I got-""Dammit, Shep!""I'm on it, I'm on it," he turned his phone over showing him the alarms, "See, done.""Every hour Adams," Derek tightened his jaw before walking away. Something had to give.Meredith made her way down the hallway with her cell phone in hand. She didn't like the feeling she carried. A little anger. Some bitterness. Betrayal. She was proud of her. Incredibly proud. But a small part of her was not pleased at the fact that she had been the traitor when she couldn't tell the chief the truth up front.Meredith spotted her target and approached her."When were you gonna tell me you were feeling offers from other hospitals?"Maggie froze. She gripped the tablet tighter as she slowly turned her head towards her chief."I uh, always get offers when I publish, you know this," Maggie shrugged. Meredith noticed the tinge of hesitancy in her face and the slight waiver to her voice."So the offer from Chicago?" Meredith continued to ask, "That's not-""Dr. Grey," Maggie rolled her eyes, "If there is something I need to tell you, if the time should come that I-decide- I choose to-"She swallowed."Look I am responsible enough to give you the courtesy as my chief and my sister," Maggie faced her, "I am committed to Grey Sloan. This is my home."Something didn't feel right. She wanted to believe her sister was being truthful. She wanted to believe that everything was fine."Okay," Meredith nodded, "Thank you Dr. Pierce."Maggie watched her sister walk away. She sighed deeply before returning back to work."Ten bucks says she clings on to Ellis a little longer," Zola offered as they watched Meredith and Ellis walk up to the house of her best friend. Meredith had insisted on driving her over- even if the two girls went to school together."That's a losing bet," Derek shook his head, "Even I know that."Zola laughed before leaning against the driver's seat, "I think it must be hard to watch your kids grow up."Derek shifted to try to face her as fully as he could, "You think so? How come?"It was quite a bold statement from a kid her age. Then again, Zola was one of a kind."Well, I think it's as if you imagine they'll stay little forever and then they grow up," Zola shrugged, "It all happens so fast."Derek thought about her words. How true they were. How painful."When did you get so smart?"Zola tapped her head with one finger, "Gifted, remember?"Off the vehicle Meredith held on to her youngest hands, "You sure you don't want to go with us?""Mom! I told you I'll be fine," Ellis looked up at her, "This is my first playdate in a really, really long time."After her behaviors in class, Ellis had been effectively shut out. Temporarily. Her moments of being mean had cost her some friendships and Meredith wasn't so sure she was ready for a return to her social routine. Even Derek had agreed with her. But, Ellis had convinced them. She really wanted a shot to mend some bridges and a play date was her solution."Okay, well remember what daddy and I said," Meredith sighed as she rang the doorbell, "No hitting-""Be nice, treat my friends with respect, and follow The Golden Rule," Ellis sighed exasperatedly, "I know, I know.""And what's The Golden Rule?"Ellis sighed again, "Treat everyone the way I want to be treated."She was certain Carolyn had taught Derek that. It's why he repeated it to his own kids. If Ellis Grey had taught her a golden rule, it would've probably been along the lines of always having a plan for surgery. Which was important but she was glad the golden rule had a different meaning for their children."Okay," Meredith smiled as she stooped down to her daughter's level, "I love you. To the moon and back over and over again. And if you want to come home-""Call you and daddy and you'll pick me up," Ellis smiled, "I know. I love you to the moon and back over and over again too."Meredith smiled as someone began to unlock the door."Hi Ellis, come on in, Morgan's upstairs," Clara, a lithe woman with sleek hair opened the door. She seemed to be dressed in perfectly tailored high end clothing, and if memory served her well, she was one of those PTA moms. The kind who brought cupcakes and organized events. The opposite of Meredith Grey."Dr. Grey, it's so nice that you let Ellis stop by," Clara smiled, "She's been missed.""Yeah, well, she's been having a bit of a hard time lately-""Oh, we're aware of those incidents in the yard. We were worried there for a second that- oh never mind you- um I'm assuming you'll be taking off? Work duties?"Meredith swallowed, desperate to bite her tongue, "Um yes my other daughter has her own ting and my husband-""Oh Dr. Shepherd's in the car," Clara made a point to step to the side and wave to the vehicle.Derek furrowed his brow back in the car, "Who is she waving at?""She's weird," Zola mentioned as she stared outside, "She has another kid younger than me and she is like that with all the dads.""Oh, your mother is gonna kill me," Derek muttered as Zola giggled, "I'm gonna pretend I didn't see her."Clara stopped waving as she realized she was getting back nothing in return."Okay, well," Meredith stepped back as she fought the urge to say something to the ogling woman, "We have to, uhm go. Please call me if there is any-""Oh I will," Clara tightly grinned, "See you soon."Suddenly, Meredith regretted this whole play date thing. But who was she to rob her daughter of experiences she was robbed of.Meredith stomped back into the car and slammed the door shut."So how'd it-""Don't!" Meredith stopped him, "Just drive before I run in there and get my kid back."The drive wasn't too long. And whatever jealousy Meredith felt had somewhat ebbed away."You know, I've always known I was your favorite," Zola leaned closer to the seats in front of her with a smirk on her face. Both her arms leaned against the shoulder rests of their seats."You get your confidence from your mother Zola Grey," Derek began as he quickly glanced at his wife."No she doesn't!""No I don't!"They both responded in tandem before laughing. They all knew where that confidence came from."Why am I the only one going to dinner with you? Did Bailey and Ellie do something?""No," Meredith shrugged, "Your dad just finished a very successful surgery and I got off early. Nothing bad happened.""Why does something bad have to happen for us to spend time with you?" Derek asked, "Sit back, please, I don't want anything to happen to you.""Because something always does," she muttered as she slouched back. She watched the buildings and the cars through the window. They quickly passed them as her father drove down the street. She knew the way by heart now, they were going to the restaurant she loved at Pike Place. The one she always insisted on for special occasions."Oh," she suddenly blurted."Oh?" Meredith asked as she turned to face her, "What's oh?""This is about the school," Zola realized, "I'd say 'crap' but you always say it's not nice."Meredith turned back to face the road ahead. She turned slowly to see the smirk on her husband's face."That," he mouthed, "She gets that from you.""Why are you looking at me like that?" Zola asked as she looked up from her food."Like what?" her father asked."I don't know but you have that weird look on your face.""It's his McDreamy face," Meredith said as she covered her mouth. She swallowed her food and turned to her husband, "It's the sparkly eye thing he gets when he's thinking something cheesy. It's how he charmed me."Derek laughed."You have it too Mom," Zola made a face as she suppressed a laugh, "You both have this look on your face like you're excited or something.""I'm just happy we finally get to have some quality time with you," Meredith smiled, "I know it's been a lot with your panic attacks, Bailey's accident and Ellis' outburst and your dad and I threw a lot at you in New York and Boston. But you've been very graceful throughout all of it."Zola smiled, "Thanks. Still doesn't explain Dad."I'm thinking about the time you took your first steps," he admitted, "Your mom held you and she would just send you over to me and she was freaking out because she thought you'd take them in daycare."Meredith scrunched her nose as she recalled the events. She tried to be encouraging, but a small part of her was furious that the tiny little thing refused to take the first steps. Still, her instinct told her she'd be darting across the room in no time."Then one night," Derek continued, "I was just exhausted and so was your mom and we just played back this video of yours. And you walked. Right in front of us you just darted. I missed it on video. I couldn't turn it on."The mother and daughter laughed heartily."How did that little girl grow up so quickly into this beautiful young lady in front of me?" his heart slightly sank at the realization of the years that had passed. Soon, she'd be looking at colleges. Packing her things and heading off somewhere where she'd shine."You just darted right in front of us and I just," he sighed, "I missed it."Meredith watched as he lost himself in the last few years. He was right. One day, she was a smiling six year old claiming she'd be a neurosurgeon and now she was…finding herself. Finding a way to heal."You didn't miss it daddy," Zola smiled at both her parents, "I'm right here.""Lobster rolls are better in Boston," Meredith said as she chomped down on her roll, "New York may have pizza but we have lobster rolls."Derek shared one last smile with his daughter, fully knowing that his wife was pivoting. She knew he could go on and on. And they needed to solve a dilemma that was looming over their heads. Now."Aunt Maggie says the deep dish pizza in Chicago is better," Zola raised a brow."It's always a competition with all of you," Derek chuckled as he turned to his wife. She shrugged with a knowing smirk plastered on her face."Did you enjoy your time in New York?""Mmhm," Zola nodded as she bit into her roll, "I loved spending time at Nana's. I learned a lot of things about you."He smiled at her genuinely. His little girl had seen so much her entire life. For a while, it'd been easy to turn a blind eye. To think that he had been shielding her the way he had Amy. When the first panic attack had hit her that day in the park. He realized just how much he'd failed to see the cracks beneath the surface.Meredith nodded, "What about Boston?"Zola slightly squirmed as she leaned back, "It was fine."Zola eyed both her parents. She was aware that they'd seen how happy she was. How she made two new friends who got her. Who understood how hard it was to fit in somewhere they knew they didn't. Who let her forget for just one instant that she was Zola Grey Shepherd, daughter of the invincible general surgeon Meredith Grey and the legendary neurosurgeon Derek Shepherd.She had just been Zola."You liked Brookline," Derek whispered knowingly."We saw you," Meredith added, "You were smiling and laughing. You made friends."Zola sighed, "I still think we should stay here. In Seattle.""But you said the kids at SeaTac Academy were snobby," Meredith chuckled, "You didn't like it there, remember?""You had that face you make whenever broccoli is a part of your plate," Derek added as he watched his daughter fight the smirk on her face.Zola picked at her roll, "You two would have to give up your jobs. I don't want you to have to do that for me."There it was. Their very level headed daughter was thinking about them. She always did. She put everyone above herself but now, they were offering her a chance to do the opposite."Zola," Derek shook his head, "You're our kid. Your job is to grow into your beautiful self. Our job is to worry about everything else.""What about Bailey and Ellis? They hated me when they found out at first. Ellis hid in the treehouse that's still not finished-""It's almost finished!" Derek interjected before Zola continued."-and Bailey and I fought all the time""It'll be hard," Meredith sighed, "And you're not always gonna get along as siblings. Bailey has had a tough year and Ellis has also had a tough year. Maybe we could all use a new start.""What about Aunt Maggie? Aunt Amy? Lucas?" Zola asked, "We'd be leaving all of them behind. That's why we didn't leave for Minnesota.""We would," Derek nodded, "But your mom and I are your parents. And as parents, our first job is to take care of the three of you. And if leaving Seattle is the right thing, then that's what we'll do."Zola could see the concern in her eyes. The older sister in her wasn't convinced."Your aunts understand, you know that. They only want the best for you," Meredith added, "And Lucas would, too. And they could visit or we can visit. Just because we move it doesn't mean-""Mom, you run the hospital," Zola shook her head, "People depend on you and you're teaching the new interns, Dad."Meredith turned to her husband. She found a barrier for everything. There was no easy road."What if we told you that we're both really good at our jobs and we could probably find one in Boston?" she widened her eyes as if she was revealing something big. But really, she hadn't even told her own husband that there was a job offer on the table already. A big one."Mmhm," Derek agreed, "And I'm pretty sure I could find something to do. I think I'm pretty good at what I do. What do you think Dr. Grey?""Well I haven't fired you," Meredith shoved him lightly before winking at her daughter.He smirked at his daughter knowing he'd get a smile out of his self-condescending joke. He also had his own secret. His own secret offer that would let him establish it wherever he chose. And if Boston was their destination, then Boston it was.Zola fiddled with the remaining roll in her hand. Her parents were great doctors. They'd shine anywhere they went. She knew they had offers coming in left and right and had always chosen to stay in Seattle. There was some comfort to that. In knowing that she and her siblings would always come first. She had no doubt about that. But what if she never became as invincible as her mother? And what if she never became as confident as her father? What if, so many what ifs."What if I decided I didn't want to become a doctor?" she glared up at her parents. There was no shock in their eyes. No anger. No remorse.Until her father held his hand to his chest, "Call Maggie, I think I'm having a heart attack."He clutched at his chest dramatically as he watched his daughter stare at him completely unamused.Meredith rolled her eyes as she released a chuckle, "Despite what your clown of a father says, that's completely fine!"Zola watched as her mother shrugged and went back to her roll, with no care in the world. She meant her words. Truly."Zola, you can do whatever you want to do," her father smiled genuinely as he crossed his arms and tilted his head."Really?" Zola straightened. She blinked with some shock in her voice, "You wouldn't be disappointed?""Not at all!" Meredith exclaimed, "You are so intelligent. And so creative.""The whole world is yours to conquer, Zo," Derek added, "We will always be proud no matter what you choose to do."Zola watched as her parents had taken their stance. They'd have her back. Always. No matter what. They supported her. They believed in her. Even in the darkest moments, they'd always be there. They always had."You are going to make your mark no matter what you do," Meredith leaned in, "You have always been and will always be extraordinary."Their daughter may not have noticed it, but he did. He detected the tiniest waiver of her voice.Extraordinary. That's what she was. There was no better word to describe her."What are you thinking, Zo?" Derek asked, "Is it Brookline STEAM?""Mom, Dad," Zola stared at them for a moment, "I love it there!"Their faces burst into smiles as they watched their daughter go on and on about the programs she was introduced to."And they have an orchestra!" Zola beamed, "I want to join the orchestra and play the-""You want to join the orchestra?" Derek asked excitedly, "I was in band when I was in high school."Meredith laughed as she thought about the pictures they had found in Carolyn's house."That's not the same, Dad. I want to play the cello!" Zola continued, "Can I please play the cello if we move?""You can!" Meredith nodded, "When we move."The rest of the dinner went off with Zola excitedly sharing all she learned at Brookline. There was a glimmer to her eye- a sparkle- that was long dimmed. And now, it was bright. So bright.Dessert rolled by and the trio picked at the cheesecake as they listened to her daughter. She showed them pictures of her newly formed friends, the marine lab, the robotics lab, the music room, everything she loved at Brookline.The cheesecake began to slowly disappear.Derek stared at the final piece for a while as an old memory crossed his mind. He turned to his wife as he saw her set her fork down."Hey Zo?""Yeah, Dad?" she turned to him from the pictures she had taken in Boston."You want the last piece of cheesecake?" Meredith offered. After their daughter picked her fork and savored the bite, Derek turned to his wife and a grin.This was the right choice. They could feel it."Can we not tell them, yet?" Zola leaned over to the console as the car halted in the pick-up zone, "Please.""Zo? I thought you were excited about moving?" Derek asked as he quickly glanced at his wife."I am but," Zola sighed, "Just not tonight, please.""Okay," Meredith nodded reassuringly, "We'll talk about it soon. Not tonight, but soon."The back door opened as Bailey hopped in, "Hi guys, I had so much fun!"Zola plopped back on her seat as she looked at her brother. Guilt danced in her head, "What did you watch?"Bailey told her everything. From start to finish. If she cared about any spoilers, she made sure not to tell him, so she could enjoy his excitedness just as well. They reached their next destination and Meredith immediately jumped off the car to get their daughter.Meredith tapped her foot as she waited for the door to open. Clara opened the door and a furrow-browed Ellis dashed to the car."Ellis, wait for me!" Meredith yelled fully knowing she'd fail. She turned to Clara with a grim look, "What the hell happened?""I don't know," Clara shrugged, "One minute they were playing and the next they weren't. She was pretty happy until a few minutes ago."Something told her that Clara wasn't being completely truthful. Meredith sighed deeply, thanked the woman and headed back to the car. Ellis sat between her siblings with her arms crossed across her chest."You want to talk about-" Derek asked as he turned to help her daughter with her seatbelt."No," Ellis answered, "Not yet."Meredith swallowed as she shook her head when Derek silently questioned her.Zola and Bailey shared a look. Something had gone wrong on that play date."Couldn't sleep?" Meredith walked into the kitchen wrapped in a blue cardigan like robe only to find her husband standing over the kitchen counter reading a medical journal."I keep thinking about Bailey and Ellis. Bailey had the time of his life with his friends tonight and Ellis was miserable," he took off his glasses as he turned to her and watched her put water in the kettle, "You?""I keep thinking about the same thing," she sighed, "Ellis went straight to bed after her shower. She didn't want to talk about it.""Maybe she'll talk tomorrow," Derek shrugged."I can't wait to break the news to her," Meredith muttered."Yeah. She's gonna be hiding in that treehouse again," he scoffed.Meredith yawned before leaning against the counter, "Did you see how happy ZoZo was when she told us she loved it there? I haven't seen her that happy in a very long time."He hummed, "That big smile just makes everything so much brighter.""She has a point," Meredith turned to him, landing back on planet earth, "We do have to start looking for jobs."Derek sighed before turning to her fully. He crossed his arms and bit his lip nervously,"Catherine Fox offered me an interesting proposal?"Meredith raised her brow ready to jest, "Isn't she already married?"Derek laughed, "No, she uh, offered to fund a clinical trial to find alternative curative treatments for cancers."Meredith blinked, "Woah.""Yeah," he swallowed, "I uh, explained that my priority- our priority right now are the kids. But she did offer to fund it with whatever partnership I chose. Whether it's Grey Sloan or-""Somewhere in Boston," Meredith finished for him, "She offered you an out.""Yeah. And a stay. She offered both.""Jackson offered me a position in the foundation," she swallowed."The foundation? Doing what?" he furrowed his brow. His wife didn't belong in an office, he knew that."Um, it's a uh-""Meredith? What is it?""A research lab. Funded exclusively to find a cure for-for," spit it out, she told herself, "Alzheimer's."He froze. She could see the blood drain away from his face. As if someone clicked a reset button and he was trying to reboot somehow. It was failing. Because as hard as she was trying to patiently wait for all systems to reboot, she couldn't."Derek, say something," she leaned against the opposite counter.He blinked, "In Boston?""Yes.""Alzheimer's?""Yes.""Wow," he swallowed the bitter pill, "That's uh, wow."She knew she wouldn't get the same reaction she'd gotten when she brought him to the lab she was offered in Minnesota. The glimmer in his eyes that day was palpable. He stared at the name on her door and smiled widely. Insisted she take on the job. And when she invited him, he was hesitant. He'd offered his sister so he could stay home with their children. He took obstacles off the way for her to thrive in this new adventure.But that glimmer wasn't here. It was gone."Derek-?"He pressed his lips together in a tight grin before leaning in to quickly peck her cheek, "I'm gonna turn in. Try to get some sleep. Don't stay up too late.""Okay," she whispered, too tired to pull him back in.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"No test is gonna help us understand what's going on."
Ellis sighed, "So in five years you've made no advances, and there is nothing else you can do for me. I don't know how you do it. Day in and day out. Work with people with this awful disease."
"Oh, uh," Derek bliniked, "I-well, see, i'm not an Alzheimer's specialist. I just took a special interest in this case because of Meredith."
He watched as Ellis' face became cold.
"You're what happened to her.""I'm sorry?""I thought you were here for me. To offer me some hope. To tell me about some new treatment but you're here for her.""Dr. Grey-""An attending? A neurosurgeon? No wonder she's so unfocused."I don't think you understand-""Oh I understand perfectly," she gritted through her teeth, "I've seen men like you, threatened by a woman who's their equal. You just want someone to admire you. And you don't care about the damage you do to her along the way."Bailey got out of the car excitedly as his father parked near the dock. He quickly opened the door for his sisters and ran off to help his dad unpack the car."Oh no I forgot my cap," Bailey touched his head as he mourned the loss of his baseball cap, "Can I borrow one of yours?"Derek nodded, "I think I have one here.""Daddy, do you think we're gonna catch a lot today?" Ellis asked as she peered over."I hope so, Zo, do me a favor hon, grab these poles," he handed over his children's poles to his eldest as he continued to unload. This was what he needed.Time with his children.Time to enjoy the pure innocence they radiated. To throw around corny jokes that would definitely garner a laugh from them no matter what."Aha! Found one!" Bailey proclaimed. Derek looked up to find the blonde boy with blue eyes- a mirror image of his own- smile at him.Derek couldn't help the grin that slowly spread on his face. Bailey had found an old black Bowdin cap. He looked so much like him."It looks good on you," Derek smiled as he reached to adjust the cap.A sudden wave of nostalgia washed over him. In the last year his son had experienced one of the scariest days of his life. He'd handled it so well, followed every instruction Alex had given and then some. He'd made sure he kept up with school- with the help of his older sister and had happily bounced back into the Bailey that could just never stay still."Why didn't we just fish by the stream where you used to take us?" Zola asked, "Y'know, closer to home?""Because fly fishing is better in the Hoh River," Bailey answered as if the answer was an obvious one."Yeah," Derek agreed with his protegee, "And it's been a while since we've been fishing together. I wanted to spend as much as I could with the three of you."Ellis reached to hold his hand as they walked through the woods earning a bright smile from her father."I like fishing with you," she smiled, "Are we gonna cook the fish after?""If my sous chef is up for it, yes," he smiled down at her as he gently squeezed her hand.They continued their trek for a while until they reached their destination. The only noise around them were their voices and the lake flowing past them.Meredith stared at the budget report in her hands. She should've been at home fast asleep, enjoying the rare quiet that the morning's events had brought on. Derek had promised the kids a fishing excursion that morning and had awoken early. He'd quietly trekked around the room, preparing for the day, until he gently leaned over and pressed his lips against her cheek, promising he'd see her later that day.She sleepily nodded until she realized that there was no passiveness to his voice. As if nothing had happened the day before. No big decisions, no big revelations.She'd texted him later letting him know she'd be at the hospital catching up on paperwork. But truthfully, she'd been staring at the same paper for the last fifteen minutes trying to make sense of what happened. The old Derek wouldn't have kissed her goodbye. He would've played the silent card for the whole day."Tell me it gets easier.""What gets easier?" Meredith slightly jolted, took her glasses off, and looked up at the intruder in her office."This parenting thing," Alex plopped on her couch with his feet up on the arm rest, "Tell me that when they're Bailey's age it gets easier. Or just Ellis' age, give me some hope."Meredith burst out laughing, "Oh no. I can't lie to you because it only gets harder."Alex groaned, "How is Bailey?""He's doing good," Meredith smiled, "He started baseball again and he's happy to be out of the house. He's fishing with Derek and his sisters today.""Poor kid," Alex shook his head, "He's had a hell of a year.""Mmhm," she agreed, "They start growing and start paying attention and sometimes you know what to say and others you just don't. Enjoy Luna while she's young."Alex sat up as he pondered her words. He turned to her and noticed her blank stare,"What's up with you? You look weird, you're not even on call today. Why are you here?""I told you, the kids are off with Derek fishing and I had paperwork to catch up on-""Cut the crap, I know you," Alex stared at her. He stood from the couch and made his way to the chair in front of her desk, "What's going on?"Derek and I decided we're moving to Boston," she quietly admitted. It'd been the first time she'd say it out loud. Officially."What? Like for real this time?"Meredith nodded, "Yeah. Zola loved the school in Boston and Derek and I think it's the right thing with everything that's been happening-""Are you kidding me? I'm surprised you're still alive," Alex scoffed, "You deserve to run off to a happy ending. Have you told Yang? She's gonna get a good kick out of this!"Meredith laughed, "Not yet. I keep missing her and I want to tell the kids first."She exhaled and drifted once more. Alex tilted his head. In the years he'd known Meredith Grey, he'd known just how much Seattle meant to her. What the people here meant and why it'd been so hard for her to leave."It's a good thing, Mer," he added, "You've earned it. You both have."Meredith sighed, "I haven't told Maggie. And Derek wants to be the one to tell Amelia so please-""I'll keep my mouth shut," he nodded, "So what are you gonna do out there? Mass Gen? Brigham?""Derek got offered a job wherever the hell he chooses to," Meredith sighed, "Catherine is offering him a grant and letting him choose the partnership.""Okay, what about you?" he asked with a furrowed brow."Jackson offered me a job.""Doin' what?""Funding for a clinical trial," she swallowed the lump formed at her throat, "for Alzheimer's."Alex froze for a second, "You're screwing with me.""Nope, not this time," Meredith sighed, "Shut up, I know. I know what you're thinking.""You screwed with the first one-""I know!" she gritted through her teeth, "You don't think I know that? It almost cost me my marriage and my child because you had to open your big stupid mouth, remember?"She leant back on her chair as she thought about the decade past them. She'd made a choice. She stood by the choice. And Alex- being the ass he could be- had snitched. And it cost her a lot. Their friendship had become fractured but would soon repair."What the hell did Shepherd say?"Meredith swallowed, "Nothing. He said nothing.""Wait, you didn't tell him?" Alex blinked."I did," she clarified as she fidgeted with her hands, "He said nothing. He stood there. And then went to bed.""You think he's pissed?""I know he is. I mean I screw with his clinical trial, get him banned from the FDA, and then I get this?" she shrugged, "You know Derek, he's changed but he has an ego. And I've hit it a few times.""Yeah, but you two are in a better place now, right?""I-yeah," she answered truthfully, "We are. We're probably in the best place we've ever been which is why I am a little worried. That's all.""But you want to take it?""Once upon a time I wanted to cure my mother's disease. Then freaking Derek opened up a way and I went through it with him. And then I made a choice and it all came crashing down," she gulped, "And now my daughter knows too much and all I want to do is help. And if this is it, then that's what I want.""And?""And I want to watch my kids grow," she continued softly, "I don't want to worry about forgetting post-its and the day Zo came home or holding Bailey and Ellis for the first time or the first day of residency…I-I don't want to forget it.""So then take the job," Alex shrugged, "Shepherd has to understand. I mean he'll be pissed- jealous, he'll be jealous- but he'll get it."Meredith stared at him before focusing her eyes on the picture on her desk.Alex spoke once more leaving her with a lot to think about."It was his dream too, remember?"The house was too quiet for her own good. Maybe it'd been a good thing for her to spend the morning in the hospital.This house was not made for silence.Literally. This house was made for children running around, for messes to be made, and for laughs in every room.But at this very moment, it was silent and it's why she'd been sitting out on the porch with a book in her hand. Her eyes stared at the book in her hand but her thoughts were elsewhere. In Boston, Grey Sloan, even Switzerland. And somewhere down the halls of neurosurgery, where one case she wanted to close was still very much open.The sound of Derek's Ceyenee reached her ears. She turned to the direction of the vehicle and watched as he parked in the driveway. He got off, a dark green cap hiding his curls and welcoming grin aimed at her. He opened the door in the back and she watched as two familiar arms clung to his neck."Help, I've got an Ellis hanging on my back and she's too tall for me to carry," Derek playfully groaned as he stepped up the porch with Ellis clinging to his back, her giggles echoing in the woodlands. Zola and Bailey walked behind him with their gear in hands.Meredith laughed as she watched him put her down. She stood to welcome her kids and met them halfway."Did you guys have fun with Dad today?""We didn't really catch anything but we had fun," Bailey answered as he adjusted his cap and ran to embrace his mom, "We missed you."Meredith hugged her only son tightly. He'd always been so sweet and kind. The one to be physically affectionate and always reach out to her. She loved that."You guys reek of sweat and mud and water," Meredith scrunched her nose. She watched as Derek helped Zola put her gear down, "Go inside and shower, I already ordered take out."The kids ran inside after quickly embracing their mother. She watched as Derek made his way up the stairs. His boots thumping loudly with each step."Are you gonna send me to shower too?" he leaned in to kiss her softly, "Everything good at the hospital?"Meredith shook her head, "This thing with Bailey is getting worse every day. There were protesters when I went in and even more when I left but she refuses to close it.""It's open today?" he asked as he moved gear around the porch, "Is she still getting threatened?"Meredith nodded, "I tried talking to her again and she says she 'already has Ben wearing her down and I don't need to add to it'.""That sounds like her," He shook his head as he leaned against a beam with one hand on his hip, "You okay?"Meredith told him, determination in her eyes, "We need to talk.""What's wrong?" his brow furrowed."What the hell is going on with you?"Derek blinked, unsure of what she was saying, "What do you mean?""You're angry that Jackson offered me the trial aren't you?" Meredith crossed her arms over her chest protectively.He groaned, "I knew you were gonna bring it up again.""What the hell was that last night? Since when do you just say, 'Wow' and walk away?""Meredith-" He leaned on the beam.She pointed at him with her lithe, long finger, "Don't 'Meredith' me. What the hell are you so pissed about? That I got offered a job? That it's a job you would've taken-""That's not-""Because I thought we were over this! I thought we both grew the hell up and we supported each other! Last year you were moving heaven and Earth for me to work on the Parkinsons' trial and you were right beside me-""Meredith would you just hear me-""I thought after everything in New York, we were past the passive aggressiveness crap and that you trusted me enough to tell me-""Meredith! Stop and listen for a second will you?""No!" She yelled as she flailed her arms about, "Because it seems to me like you are jealous and are still trying to punish me for something I did years ago! You should be freaking happy that one of us got this! I get it. It wasn't you! Is it your ego? Is it you thinking that once again, you matter most? Because guess what Derek, I made a freaking name for myself- by myself! So me getting this job shouldn't be anything too surprising for you!""You think I'm jealous?" he asked incredulously. His tone remained calm. Cautious. He stood in front of her as his eyes slowly rose to meet hers. An incredulous expression, a tired one. This had been a recurring argument. She'd never fully trust him, would she?"Yes!" she exclaimed, "What other reason can I expect from you? What else in this world could explain why you would shut down on me this way? Can you tell me? Because I can't think of anything else!"He stayed silent for a moment. She could see that he was lost in his own thoughts. A river of unknown thinking just like those moments in New York."Derek, just help me understand!""I-Meredith-""Do you remember what it was like when Bailey was born?" she cut him off ruthlessly, determined to get her fair share in. She wasn't about to let him off the hook. Not this easily."I do," he answered in a quiet tone."And you remember what it felt like? To hold your son- your only son- in your arms for the first time. After everything you and I went through with the shooting and the miscarriage and Mark and Lexie, you remember that?""Yes-""And Ellis? You remember what it was like when you held her and you promised her she'd meet me. I wasn't there but you told me. You remember?""Meredith-""And Zo? You remember what it was like to meet her? For the first time and knowing she was your daughter," tears threatened to stream down her face, "That instinct, the gut feeling that told you that she was ours and you just had to keep her in our life? Do you remember?""Meredith-""Answer the damn question! Do you remember?""Yes," he lowered his gaze, shifted his weight, knowing full well where this road was leading to, "I remember it perfectly. I remember all of it.""Good," she swallowed her tears, "Because I won't remember if I do get Alzheimer's. You get to keep all those memories and I won't and that is not fair.""I won't remember what it was like to see Bailey when you brought him to me and how it felt to see this tiny little human that I called fetus or that I couldn't even look at our first ultrasound because I was too terrified. I won't remember how he opened his eyes and the relief I felt when I laid eyes on him.""I won't remember when Ellis was wheeled into the room and how I couldn't let her go when she needed to go back to the nursery. I won't remember how she smiled when I first held her and how Zola promised her she'd be the best big sister ever..""And I won't remember when Zola came home. When Janet stood at the door, holding my daughter and she told us she was ours," she wiped the tears from her eyes and stared at him, "And I am angry and jealous that you will.""You don't think I know that?" He raised his head, "You don't think I know that there's a chance you truly won't remember their names? My name? That you won't recognize them? You think I don't know that?"He couldn't help it. He straightened his posture and raised his voice. Derek quickly glanced inside to see if he spotted any sign of their children. He swallowed before he continued, trying desperately to keep them hidden from their own painful fight."That you won't remember Zola running to you when she took her first steps or how Bailey would fall asleep holding your hand or how Ellis insisted you wear a dress for the wedding we had for her back here?"It all came crashing towards her. Meredith had once made everyone around her promise. Her children wouldn't go through the same pain she would. She didn't want them to see her forget. What was the saying? Death was more painful for the living? Sure.It was a strange predicament she'd been left with. To care for the woman who had little to no care for her. Sure, she did her best. Yes, she was an incredible surgeon who tore down walls so she could be the surgeon she was. Yes, she was extraordinary. But none of that erased the fact that Meredith had been dealt with cards that no child should. Even Richard had admitted that. And it only became more painful when she had the sole responsibility of caring for her.And that, she didn't want for her children. Even if things were different between them. Even if they had their father.Life was known to make her pay for any sense of happiness."I know you're terrified about leaving our kids?" Derek continued," Of what might happen if they have to see you-""It still doesn't explain why the hell you are pissed at the fact that I got-""I'm not pissed because you got a job, Meredith! I trained you! I know what you're capable of!" he spat, "I'm not gonna stand here and hold you back or do anything for you to accuse me of that!"The gasket finally blew. The sound of voice echoed and he internally kicked himself for exploding."No matter what we do, it's always gonna follow us. It's always gonna be right there chasing after us and no matter what I-," he shrugged."What's always gonna follow us?" Meredith stared at Derek. It didn't seem to click. She was used to deciphering him, to knowing what he was thinking without needing to speak. She could tell what he was about to do with just one single flinch."I'm not scared for myself, I can handle it, I promised you I would and I meant it!""What are you talking about?""But our kids?" he shook his head with a swallow, "They don't- they can't- I can't leave it all on them if something- I can't do anything."He pushed himself off the beam and made his way down the stairs"Derek!""I need some space," he turned to her, "Don't follow me. Not this time, please don't follow me.""You just want someone to admire you. And you don't care about the damage you do to her along the way.""Derek?" Richard blinked as he stared at the visitor at the door, "What are you- is everything alright? Is Meredith okay? Are the kids alright? "Derek opened his mouth to speak but the words couldn't come out. He blinked rapidly and stuffed his hands in the pocket of his blue jacket."Oh no," Richard swallowed, "It's Catherine. I knew it was bad, how bad-""It's not Catherine," Derek shook his head, "It's uh-how'd you do it?""Do what?" Richard blinked."Adele. How'd you- how did you live knowing you were losing her?"Richard stepped back as he realized what he was talking about. Derek Shepherd had been the one to make the connection that Meredith had not only inherited Ellis Grey's looks, but her talent. And he'd fought tooth and nail for a clinical trial that might just prevent the same fate unto his wife."Come inside," he stepped to the side, letting his former student into his home. Richard observed how he was anxious. How Derek nervously shook his leg as if trying to prevent himself from exploding. It reminded him of his residency days back in New York.Derek stepped forward and walked towards the living room he swallowed as he looked around the house."You want to tell me what's going on?""If I tell you, you can't tell Catherine," Derek turned to Richard, "Not yet anyway. And you can't tell Maggie either. Or Amelia- especially Amelia.""Derek, are you alright? Is Meredith alright?""She's great, she's-" he paused and as he put together the pieces in his mind, "She's been offered a job at the foundation. They're giving her a lab-""I've heard this story before-" Richard crossed his arms as a similar conversation from a year ago echoed in his mind."-to find the cure for Alzheimer's," Derek finished.Richard felt a notch at his chest. Tightening as he realized what this meant. Meredith Grey was leaving Grey Sloan Memorial. Derek Shepherd would be following her. And nothing or no one could stop them. A job- a chance to cure Alzheimer's was a one way ticket out of Seattle."So what's wrong?" Richard asked, "Is it because-""No, no, It's not the job I'm pissed at," Derek swallowed, "I know I have a reputation and I've given every reason for people to think that I'm jealous but it's knowing that she has the gene and she might get it.""I've been wrapped up in my own mess and everything going on with the kids that it just," he paused, "The pain came back. The fear of not having control over it and losing her just- it came back.""Well you've never had control, Derek," Richard answered as he motioned to the couch. He watched as Derek hesitated slightly before sitting on the white couch, "No one ever does. Not when it comes to life.""As surgeons, our instinct is to control. Control bleeds, control vitals, it's what we do," Richard explained, as he sat on the opposite couch, "And you've always had a thing for needing control. The accident. The trial. Meredith's accident- the ferryboat and the attack. Your first marriage. Even back in New York."This was true. Even Meredith had been aware.
You have this big ego, this arrogance about you when it comes to your career. You made your career out of it. And I thought it was just because it was your way of charming people and I'll be honest, I kinda liked it when we started out but you hide behind that ego when you're scared. You hide behind it because it's the one thing you can control.
"You've always had this thing with controlling the outcome of a surgery, since your residency, it's been something you needed. You'd try to will your patient to live," Richard shook his head as he thought the raven haired intern desperately performing CPR on the first patient he lost, "It's what makes you a hell of a neurosurgeon. And I can only imagine it stems from your childhood and taking care of your sister-""I don't talk about my sister-""I know," Richard nodded, "And I respect her anonymity but it was once a hospital issue so this gets a pass."Derek huffed out a breathy chuckle."Control is an addiction itself," Richard continued, "We lose it and we don't know what to do with ourselves. And you chase it after something goes wrong like the shooting, remember that? You needed control of something so you were speeding, remember that?"Derek nodded."And I'm guessing it was the same when your nephew showed up at the hospital doors?"Derek blinked, "What do you mean?""Well you ran from New York didn't you? Away from Addison and Mark and your family-""What does that have to do with anything?""Well your nephew shows up and suddenly you're faced with the past that you ran from," Richard shrugged, "It reminds you that you never had control of the problem. Just control to push it away until it explodes."You'll never have control," Richard explained, "I thought I did."Derek looked up to his former mentor who was lost in deep thought."I was caring for Adele one time. I thought things were fine and one morning she woke up and got out of bed.""She walked out of the house?""Not that time," he shook his head, "I walked into the kitchen to find the stove on fire."Derek shut his eyes briefly. Meredith had often joked about burning the house down."I didn't want to but things got bad and I had to check her into Rose Ridge," Richard shook his head, "I watched her forget me, forget us, our marriage. I watched her fall in love with some stranger. And I watched her suffer. I had no control of any of it.""Meredith doesn't want that. She made me promise that I wouldn't put her in a home.""Mm," Richard considered the irony of it. She'd been the one to suggest placing Adele in one all those years ago, "Well even in that home I couldn't control what happened to Adele. Just like Meredith couldn't control what happened to her mother.""Meredith lives day in and day out with the same fear you do," Richard continued as he watched Derek nod in agreement, "She tries to hide it behind her work, the kids, and you.""Lately it's all she thinks about," Derek quietly mumbled, "I've caught her in the middle of the night reading about Alzheimer's research and she's left her laptop open to articles. She constantly thinks about it.""I'm watching my wife die from cancer now," Richard whispered, "Slowly, painfully. She hides it well but I know she's in pain."Derek couldn't help the shudder that ran through his body. He didn't want to see that. He didn't want to see his wife forget everything.The life they built. The children they'd raised. The love they shared. The pain they felt when it seemed impossible to get to where they were now. Even so, he did not want her to forget. Because it had been so worth it."Meredith's not dying. She doesn't have a diagnosis. She's living and breathing. Raising your kids and bossing everyone around."Derek chuckled."Let go of the need to have control," Richard pointed at the table with his index finger, "Because when you do, life finds a way to surprise you. "Meredith stared out at the vast lawn, replaying the events in her head over and over again. She should've known this was bigger than any jealousy he might've felt. She should have known that this was a matter of fear and worry. That he'd been the one to try to hold her hand when her mother said things and all she did was push away. She didn't know how to accept his hand, she was never taught to. But now, all she knew was to hold it tightly and gripping as hard as she could.What she didn't realize was how keenly aware Derek had been that their children could potentially have the same fate. She was, of course she was. She didn't want them to feel that they would have a burden to carry should her memory fail them. She didn't want them to feel unloved or uncared for. Her past shouldn't and couldn't dictate their future.After everything they'd been through, they deserved better.Nearly an hour passed and she could hear the Little Grey Shepherds shuffling around their rooms. The food had arrived, and now she was in her kitchen- their kitchen- setting up to eat."Do you need help?" Zola stepped into the kitchen."I'm just about done, but thanks Zo," Meredith smiled at her, "You know I used to hate Chinese but it was all my roommates would order back when-""Are they gonna hate me?"Meredith's head snapped up incredulously, "What?"She noticed how Zola shuffled slightly, similar to her father when he was uncomfortable or nervous. A rare occurrence."Bailey and Ellis?" Zola answered, "Are they going to hate me when you tell them?""Zo, Zo," Meredith rounded the corner and held her daughter's cheeks in each hand, "They are not going to hate you.""What if they do? What if they don't get it?"Zola's voice slightly waivered. It wasn't a panic attack, but it was an anxious, insecure feeling that she had deep within."It's okay. I know you're nervous," Meredith reassured her eldest, "I know you're worried. I know moving scares you because we've lived here all your life and if I'm honest, I'm a little scared too.""You are?""I am," Meredith giggled a little as she caressed her cheeks, "Your dad and I wouldn't be making this choice if we didn't believe in it. Bailey and Ellis might be upset and it's okay. They're allowed to be upset, it doesn't mean we don't love them or that they don't love us. And it definitely doesn't mean you don't love them."Zola sighed."You three have each other and no matter what you will always have each other even when you disagree, I mean look at your dad and Aunt Amy, they bicker all the time and they're still very close," Meredith laughed as she thought about the blue eyed pair, "And your Aunt Maggie and I disagree too, I used to disagree with Aunt Lexie all the time but at the end of the day, they were my sisters.""Did you fight with Aunt Cristina, too?" Zola asked."Before she left, we had the biggest fight ever," Meredith rolled her eyes, "It'll be okay. You let us worry about them. We're ready for the consequences if there are any.""Zo are you okay?" Bailey's voice interrupted the moment. The pair turned to him as he stood with his eyes on them, head tilted to the side, and face slightly worried.Zola sniffed, "I'm okay, Bailey.""See?" Meredith winked as she released her daughter, "Hungry Bails?"Bailey made his way over to the kitchen bar, "Yup. Where'd Dad go?""Um," Meredith thought for a moment, "He needed some time to himself and went for a walk. He'll be back later."Bailey furrowed his brow. His Dad wasn't one for completely disappearing until recently. Oh well, he thought as he brushed off any other thought.Ellis was the final of the three to step into the kitchen. She jumped on the chair by the kitchen bar and sighed heavily, "I'm hungry, can we eat?"When he first moved to Seattle, the first thing he did was purchase a piece of land and a crappy trailer. He didn't care he was so far removed from everyone in the world, in fact, that's exactly why he had purchased it. It was far away from the messes he'd left back in New York and isolated enough that he wouldn't hurt anyone any longer.Now, the land was anything but alone. Three chatty, happy, energetic children lived in a home he helped build with his own two hands and a woman he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. They were safe here.Derek stepped up on the deck and noticed the light out back. He walked towards the porch where he found his wife sitting on the couch with a pen in hand, reading an article. She was focused and concentrated. Absorbing whatever the article was currently teaching her.He could watch her this way forever. Watch how her eyebrow raised as her eyes skimmed each page. He could see it even through the thicker frame of her glasses- which she finally got after stealing his on multiple occasions."You need your own pair," he insisted as she took them off and placed them on the bridge of her nose, "You're going to hurt your sight and then you won't step into an OR-" .""Shut up, that's not gonna happen. My eyes are fine besides," she retorted, "they look better on me anyway."She clicked her pen multiple times before dropping it and reaching for a highlighter. She must've sensed him standing there just staring because her head suddenly turned, her ponytail bouncing just a little above the neckline of her Dartmouth shirt."How long have you been standing there?" Meredith turned back to her journal and highlighted her page."A little while, not too long," he replied as he stepped forward, "The kids?""Inside, asleep," she shrugged, "Or pretending to be asleep. They asked about you.""What'd you tell them?""That their dad was a moron and needed some time to himself?" she smirked."Really? That's what you went with?"Meredith chuckled as she threw the journal on the table in front of her, "I said you went for a walk. That you needed some space."He nodded as he looked inside the house."Are you done being a jackass or should I get your stupid blanket ready?" she raised a brow.Derek sighed as he shook his head, "I'm sorry I'm a jackass.""I know," Meredith raised her legs close to her chest protectively.He didn't like being one to just impulsively push away, she knew that. She also knew he had to step away before he said anything that could jeopardize any progress in their marriage. Before he said something he knew he'd regret forever.
Wow, you sound just like your mother.
"Where'd you run off to?"Derek shook his head. He meandered his way over to the empty seat next to hers and plopped down, "I was at Richard's.""Richard's?" she furrowed her brows, "Why were you at Richard's?""I needed some," he sighed as he put his feet up on the small table and released a loud sigh, "perspective.""Perspective?" she raised both brows, "On what?""You're mother is in my head," he slightly shook his head.Meredith nodded, "Richard's an expert at all things about my mother. Why are you thinking of her?""She said something, years ago when she was lucid, you remember?"She nodded, "She made you doubt yourself. She had ways.""I thought I was jealous," He admitted, "I wanted this feeling I had to be jealousy because I used to want to do the big jobs, the big surgeries, cases. I wanted to find the next big technique. I wanted to cure Alzheimer's. But this feeling was never about a job."Meredith sighed. This was him opening up. Letting himself be saved from drowning. This was them being the mature, married, team they had worked so hard to be. This was their lifeline.Their moment."I wanted to do it for you. I wanted to stop anything bad from happening before it actually did. I wanted to protect you and keep you safe…like I do to everyone," he sighed, "This year has just been one thing after the other with the kids that I just forgot.""What are you talking about? What did you forget?"He tilted his head as he gave her a knowing look."Oh," she understood. He forgot the fear he felt at the possibility of losing her."I have no control over it. I thought I once did but I have no control about what's gonna happen to you, or the kids, or even me," he blinked, "And that's terrifying. You said you'd been given this chance to do what I couldn't do-""Do you resent me? For messing with-""I meant it when I told you I didn't," he shook his head, "I just…for one second I let myself believe that this move would fix everything. But it won't. It's not gonna fix this fear we have or the fear Zo has.""This move was never going to magically make everything go away," Meredith added, "It's still a real possibility that I might get it, Zola's anxiety is probably never going away but this move might help manage it.""This fear you have is the same one I have," she exhaled, "And it worsens with every birthday and every single day that goes by.""I know," he nodded, "We're gonna live with it forever.""You should take the job," he turned to her, "Honestly, you deserve this opportunity more than anyone. For you, and Zola, Bailey, and Ellis."He swallowed, "For your mom. You deserve to get a shot at what has scared you all these years."Meredith wrapped her hands around her knees as she stared ahead, "She's been in my head too. In Boston? After I spoke to Jackson? After we visited the house? She was in my head. That day that she was lucid, she said that her illness should've been enough inspiration for me to have chosen a specialty.""It won't ever matter if I never get her approval anyway because she's dead but," Meredith swallowed, "I have to do this. I have to close this chapter with her and I think it means taking this job. I-I don't know why and it doesn't make sense but everything always leads back to her."She tightened her grip around her shin, "And I'm tired of running away from it. Maybe I just need to run towards it and just face head on."He nodded, "So we're doing this. We're moving to Boston. This is our next step."This could be our next step. He'd said that so long ago and when he said it, she remembered her heart dropping to the pit of her stomach. This time, it was different."This is our next step," she echoed, "Any ideas on how to break it to the kids?""No," he shook his head, "I have nothing.""Well, before we leave," Derek turned to her and watched as she was lost in thought, "I have unfinished business here.""What do you mean?""If I don't finish that treehouse before we move, Ellis might literally stop speaking to me and I don't think I can go on with that."Meredith laughed as she reached for him, thankful he broke the tension that would always plague them. Her arms wrapped around him and she tucked her head against his chest.Everything always led back to their family. Every fear, every triumph. Their problems were so much bigger than a job.Everything revolved around the life they'd made together.They stayed in each other's arms before Meredith spoke, "Derek?""Mm?""I know we just made up, but for God's sake please shower or else I will throw the stupid ugly blanket out again."There was something comforting in turning off the lights of their home for the night. In letting the natural moonlight shine in through the glass windows that took weeks to decide upon. Especially on a night like this one where there were too many reminders that all of this could vanish.The Little Grey-Shepherds had long gone and fallen asleep. Meredith walked into Ellis' bedroom where she lay sound asleep on her bed. Her bedroom had been painted a light shade of green after she demanded that the former pink walls be covered. Of course, her dad obliged and truthfully the room was much more reflective of her personality.Meredith leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss against her head. The sheets ruffled as the small child shifted. She was so much like her mother- physically and personality wise. Sometimes Meredith found it endearing and occasionally she worried it'd cause a clash between them in the far future. Stubbornness often clashed with stubborness after all.Meredith gently closed the door behind her and made her way to her son's room. Derek was right, he had inherited the same sleeping habit she had. Snoring. She turned off the lamp he'd left on before falling back to sleep and pushed back his blonde tresses.The last room she entered had sleek yellow walls, a teal bed, and photographs of her loved ones everywhere. Zola had been just as adamant to keep so many momentos as her father had. Meredith stepped forward and gently peeled away the new novel she'd been reading. She grabbed the blue bookmark from the night table and slipped it to the page she was reading.Her daughter had a fear. And she could do very little about it.But she'd be damned if she didn't try.Maybe tampering with Derek's trial had been something the universe had alway planned so she could take his torch and run with it as far as she could. It would never mean she'd be leaving him behind, it simply meant that this was her journey to complete.And his? His was to protect and to help her keep her afloat. To help her embrace the life she had always wanted but never knew she could have. To help her feel worthy of being so loved and to help her put down those demons that would always chase her.Maybe. Who really knew?What she did know was that their differences somehow balanced each other.At least that's how she liked to think of it.Meredith stepped out of Zola's room and closed the door behind her, a sudden wave of anxiousness nauseating her.She made her way to their bedroom and shut the door behind her. The rustling of the shower could lightly be heard from the door.Meredith looked around. The tumor was still on their wall, firmly set. A reminder of the night they both stayed up until she inspired him to return to the OR and remove an impossible spinal tumor.Their post-it? Still hanging on the wall, no longer in the broken frame she once threw in the trash bin angrily.On her bedside table, there was a frame of the kids. It must've been taken a few years ago as Ellis still had the baby face she had now outgrown. The three of them looked at whoever had taken the picture with giant smiles plastered on their faces. And on Derek's, his watch and another photograph of the married pair embracing one another. He'd had it for years and couldn't part with it.Why did such a terrible disease exist and why did it have to take a lifetime of love away?Meredith walked into the bathroom, breathing heavily as the near moment of panic took over. She'd made sure she closed the door firmly behind her and quickly took her clothes off.She watched as Derek pressed both his palms against the glass windows and let out a loud exhale as if he were trying to rid himself of the messes made. His overgrown curls stuck to his forehead and she was sure he hadn't noticed her presence when she opened the glass doors. She wrapped her arms around his torso and pressed her lips against his slick back. She felt his muscles slightly tense and his hands covering hers. He turned in her arms and met her green eyes."Don't say anything," she whispered as her hands slowly caressed the wet skin of his arms, "Please just…make me forget just for now."Forget that there was fear. Forget that they had baggage. Forget that their children had suffered the consequences of their past without them noticing.Forget that maybe they'd never be truly healed.Derek cupped her face and kissed her. The roughness of his hands explored her body, caressing every curve and crevice. He pressed her against the tile and loved her.Until she forgot.Bailey stood in front of the tree and watched as his dad lifted the hammer and smashed the nail.He was practically done, he could tell, even if he couldn't see him.He mentally kicked himself for not having this idea earlier and for being too sick to help build it. It was brilliant. A treehouse out in the yard? A place to hide out? Somewhere he could run from his sisters to? Genius. Ellis was a genius.Bailey adjusted his cap, "Dad! Can I help?"The hammering stopped. Derek stepped out of the treehouse and looked over the railing, "Bailey? It's just past dawn, what are you doing up?""I heard you," Bailey shrugged, "Thought you might need the help?""Bud, it's really early, you should go back to bed," Derek leaned on the banister and smiled at his son. He wore the ratted black Bowdin cap once more."Nah," he shook his head, "I'd rather help you."Derek grinned as he gestured for him to join him on the treehouse's deck. Bailey ran up the stairs of the staircase he built on one side of the tree. He couldn't decide between a ladder and a staircase until he witnessed his daughter climb up and hide on the deck months ago. Both were necessary. One for her adventures and the other for the parents to climb up and safely convince her to come back down.Not that they'd succeed anyway.Bailey happily stood next to him, "What do I do?""Hand me that piece of wood, please?" Derek motioned to the corner of the house, "Hold it steady here. Be careful please.""This is the frame," Bailey studied the wall, "For the window?""Mmhm," Derek nodded as the sound of a drill echoed around them, "We just need a few details and it's almost done."Bailey watched as his dad concentrated. They switched places and Derek repeated the same motions on the opposite end. They kept at it for a while until the sun was fully shining through the newly installed window."Okay, I think that'll do it," Derek announced proudly as he looked towards his son, "Want to go grab breakfast? You've been up for a while-""We're moving, aren't we Dad?"Derek froze, "What?""Zola liked the school in Boston."His father was at a loss for words, "Bailey-""It's okay," Bailey gave him a tight grin, "I get it."Derek's heart sank. He stepped back until he reached the nook he'd planned out and brought to fruition, "How'd you find out?""I heard Mom and Zo talk about it," Bailey sat next to him, "Zo's scared I'm gonna hate her. I was mean."Derek nodded, "It's not how I wanted you to find out. And it's not how your momma wanted you to find out either. We were gonna tell you together and we were just trying to figure out how to say it."Bailey stayed silent for a moment. He shuffled his feet and fidgeted with his hands. There was a lot Derek saw of himself in his son. He saw a young boy try to take care of the world around him. A young boy who just wanted to be his dad's…friend. Just like he did.He thought of his dad fixing the old Mustang in the garage. Thought of how he'd handed him all the tools he'd request. And how he promised he could keep his old motorbike when he was older. It's why he was good with his hands. He was always fixing things like his dad. And now, Bailey would do the same."I don't hate Zola," Bailey finally spoke, "I can't hate her ever because she's my sister. She takes care of me and Ellis. She doesn't fight with us. She always shares. She's a good sister."Derek nodded as he realized how mature his son was, "You can be upset. It's okay, to be.""I know," Bailey shrugged, "But as long as we're all together, it'll be okay."Derek reached to pull off the battered cap off his head. He wrapped his arm around his son and pressed his lips on the top of his head."I love you Bailey," Derek whispered."Love you too, Dad," Bailey replied before he gripped his dad's arm, "But can you let me go a little? You're squeezing me too hard and I can't breathe.""Okay, watch your step, don't try to peak," Meredith helped keep Ellis' eyes closed as they walked out to the deck, "Your dad and your brother got up very early just to finish this today and they're very excited to show you so don't peak!""I'm not peaking!" Ellis screeched as she carefully stepped forwards, "You have your hands on my eyes!""To keep you from peaking!" Meredith laughed as she looked up to her older children who had been climbing up the ladder to the gift Ellis had been impatiently waiting for."Y'know this pretty much proves she's the favorite?" Bailey turned to his older sister.Zola shrugged, "It's not like we didn't know.""She's not the favorite- we don't have favorites!" Derek called out from the bottom of the stairs, "Besides you two will be in there just as much as she will, I know you!"The treehouse had been finished. After such a long time, it was finally complete and ready for his children to hide in and plot out all their secret plans. It was such an obvious missing piece that he kicked himself over and over again for not thinking of it sooner."That's true," Bailey agreed as he turned to Zola who had her brows furrowed, "What's wrong with you? Why do you have that weird look on your face?""I don't have a face," Zola shook her head. She ran to the railing and leaned against it, spying her mother and sister impatiently waiting on the ground. Her dad made his way towards them."Okay, the baby girl is out!" Meredith called out as she spotted the pair, "And she's desperate so let's go!""Alright, Ellis," Derek proudly smiled. He clapped his hands together and stood in front of her, seeing the excitement practically radiate from her body, "Are you ready?""I have been ready!" she yelled."I don't think she's ready," Derek teased before he turned to the treehouse, "Let's call it off-""No!" Ellis yelled."Dad!" Zola cried as she raised her arms in desperation."C'mon, she's been waiting forever!" Bailey insisted.Ellis yelled once more, "I want to see it now! I'm ready! I'm ready! I promise I'm ready!"Meredith laughed, "I think that's as ready as you can get.""Alright, fine," Derek smiled. He couldn't help the giddiness he felt, "One-"He smiled at the way she slightly bounced with excitement."Two-"Meredith wasn't sure she could hold her daughter's eyes shut any longer and she was prepared to let her loose."Two and a half-"Zola and Bailey's groans echoed in the woodlands, "Dad!""Alright, alright," Derek laughed, "Three!"As Meredith released her daughter's eyes, she heard the gasp that escaped her daughter's lips.It was a beautiful treehouse. Derek had truly outdone himself, and her heart hurt knowing that it wouldn't be used as much as their daughter had hoped. Still, he was determined to keep his promise.He had sat on the porch for days staring at the trees of their land deciding which would be the best to install Ellis' long awaited wish. He'd been set on four stout trees that for the life of her, she could not remember their names. He'd pictured something smaller, but knowing him, she knew it would be a greater project. In fact, she was sure it would be big enough for the entire family to hide out if needed.What a gift her children had been given. A hideaway from their own hideaway home."What do you think?" Derek asked nervously.Bailey and Zola leaned over the beams awaiting her response. They turned to each other with worried looks."You should come up and see it!" Zola called out, "It's really cool!""Yeah, c'mon Ellie!" Bailey agreed, "Ladder's on this side!"Ellis remained frozen in place."Ellis? You okay?" Meredith asked as she rounded her way next to her children's father, "Ellis what's wrong?"Overcome with emotion, Ellis turned to them with tears brimming in her eyes, "I love it so much!"She ran to her parents and wrapped her arms around them. Tightly. As if willing them to stay this way forever."Thank you, thank you, thank you!" she shrieked excitedly.The parents laughed."Go thank your brother for helping this morning and thank your sister for choosing all the decorations," Derek chuckled as he encouraged her to run off.Ellis released them and ran off to climb the ladder leading up to the treehouse."Bailey! Zola! You're the best brother and sister ever!"The parents could hear the giggles echo throughout the land. Meredith wrapped her arms around Derek's middle with a deep sigh. Derek kissed the top of her head as his hand brushed her arm up and down.
I believe we can be extraordinary together, rather than ordinary apart!
"You remember you stood here and said we could be extraordinary together?" he asked as they heard the kids run around excitedly."Mmhm," Meredith hummed, "I made the House of Candles. We finally got it together and we were standing on the moon."
We're standing on the moon, Dr. Grey.
"You were right- not that I doubted you but," he whispered again, "They're pretty damn extraordinary."She smiled as she breathed in his scent, "Told ya.""Are they still up there?"Derek turned to the source of the voice. He'd been sitting on the steps of the porch for hours just watching his children."Yeah," he whispered, "I think they're gonna want to spend the night there."He took the glass of wine she'd kindly offered. A celebration for pulling off such a grand surprise."What do you think they're doing?" Meredith whispered as she settled between his legs and rested her back on his chest."No idea," he answered as she settled against his back, "Plotting their way to get another one?"Derek wrapped one arm around her torso and held her tighter. Her hand rested gently against his arm as her head settled in the crook between his elbow."Bailey knows about Boston," Derek whispered as he pressed a kiss against her forehead. He felt his wife tense up at the revelation."What?""He heard you and Zola yesterday and he said that it was okay," Derek whispered, "He said he was okay with it. And he meant it, I know he did."Meredith released a breath she didn't know she was holding on to, "Ellis?""No," she felt him shake his head, "I don't think she knows."Up in the treehouse, three children sat staring at the sky through the skylight his dad had thought of, their parents' laughs echoing in the background."This was a good idea Ellis," Zola quietly whispered."Yeah," Bailey agreed, "It was."Ellis didn't respond. She kept her hands folded on her tummy as she stared up at the sky."Ellis?" Zola leaned on her elbows and turned to her sister, "Are you okay?"Bailey laughed, "She is so excited she can't speak.""What's the point of a treehouse if no one wants to be your friend," Ellis whispered."Wait what?" Zola sat up, "What are you talking about? Who doesn't want to be your friend?""Morgan said everyone thinks I'm mean," Ellis explained, "She said she only invited me because her mom told her to. She felt sorry for me. And I don't want to go back to stupid school anymore."Zola turned to Bailey with widened eyes. They all loved school. Everything about it."Don't tell mom," Ellis whispered, "Or dad. They'll just worry."Zola laid back on the floor and reached for her sister's hand, "We'll be up here with you Ellis. We're your friends.""Yeah," Bailey added, "You have us even if we fight."Ellis smiled a little as she kept her eyes on the sky.They were right. She had mom, dad, Zola, and Bailey.That was enough.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
4:35.The numbers on the phone practically yelled at her that she should be asleep. Enjoy the last twenty five minutes the world has left to offer you before the sun shines too brightly through those big windows.Meredith gently placed her phone back on the nightstand and stared out into the darkness as she waited for the sun to make it known that morning was here. She'd been up for a while, fully aware that she'd need an overload of coffee as soon as she made the effort to get up. Help with breakfast, get the kids out, and get ready out the door by seven fifteen if she was taking Zola and Bailey and making it to work by eight thirty at the latest.But no matter how hard she tried to return back to the sweet abyss of sleep, her mind wouldn't let her sleep.Maggie needed to know Boston was her next move. Amelia needed to know otherwise she'd feel betrayed. She needed to tell Bailey and Hunt and the rest of the staff. And Derek needed to break the news to a class of interns that trusted him. And he needed to resign soon and recommend a replacement which needed her approval. And she needed to ensure Bailey was safe and the doxing stopped. She needed to tell Ellis and assure Bailey that he was a good brother for being so open to the move. And they needed to find a house. A big one with a yard and a treehouse for Ellie- even though nothing would ever top what her father built. And what about the dreamhouse? What would they do with their home? She and Derek hadn't discussed it. Would they sell it? Rent it? None of that sounded right, how was she just going to let another family-Meredith snapped up and gently pushed herself off the bed. She grabbed her robe and wrapped herself, watching how Derek slept peacefully. They'd made a very important decision and there were still so many things they needed to work out.She went about her morning quietly. A quick shower. A quiet minute to herself by the porch. A minute to read the journal she'd been meaning to finish over the weekend. A moment of complete silence to ramble in her own mind before the time came to wake up the kids.Meredith stood in front of the counter, pouring a cup of coffee. She could hear the soft shuffling of the kids in their rooms- even if Ellis had refused to wake up. She could hear a louder set of footsteps make their way around the hallway."Good morning," Derek rounded the corner and smiled at the sight of his wife, "You're up early, are you on your way out?"Meredith closed her thermos and nodded, "I'm about to. I got Bailey and Zola this morning. Ellis is running late, she slept in-""Okay I got Ellis," he nodded as he buttoned up the last button on his shirt, "Busy day?"To say the least, Meredith thought."Yes," she nodded, "And I need to talk to Maggie about Boston. Are you talking to Amy-?""Yes, I'll talk to her today," he nodded as he watched her search around for the car keys. She turned from one counter to the other. She moved the journals on the counter and sighed with relief at the sight of them, "Meredith, you okay?""I just- I," she sighed, "I have so much going on at work with Bailey and the clinic and then I'm thinking about Maggie and Amelia and how they're going to take it-""Meredith-""And then the house! We need to start talking about it! And we're due for a review with the accreditation program soon-""That's my job," Derek nodded as he placed his palm on the counter to lean on it, "You delegated that to me, I got that covered-""And the kids! Ellis!" she exhaled in desperation, "We have to tell her soon otherwise she's gonna hide in that treehouse again and-!""Meredith!""What?""We got it," he grinned as he stepped forward and put his hands on her shoulders. He rubbed them gently, "We will talk to the sisters. They'll understand. I'll settle the accreditation program stuff. We'll talk to Ellis, it'll work out. You go to work and kick surgical ass. Okay?"She wanted to believe him. She wanted to believe that everything would work out in their favor and that life would finally give them a damn break."I haven't scrubbed in on a surgery in a while," Meredith sighed as she tried to ground her anxious thoughts, "I think I'm having withdrawals."Derek smiled as his thumbs gently grazed her cheeks."I know," he nodded before placing a kiss on her lips, "You sure you got Bailey and Zola? I can-""No, taking them is keeping my head on straight, I got them," she nodded before placing another kiss on his lips, "Thank you."He smiled, "You sure you're okay? You need five almost perfect seconds?"Derek leaned in to kiss her lips as she laughed gently. Five almost perfect seconds. A nearly forgotten memory of when the world was turning right on its axis. Those rare moments of perfect bliss had been harder and harder to find lately, she felt."No," Meredith laughed into the kiss, "I'm gonna be late if you-"He kissed her again, "Stop thinking-""Oh no," Zola moaned as she entered the kitchen, "Can you two stop already? We get it! You don't get sick of each other.""Yeah," Bailey agreed, "It's kind of gross now."The parents laughed as they pulled apart."Well," Derek sighed, "That's it, we've hit a new milestone with these two. We're officially gross to them.""Dad, you guys have been gross for a while," Zola deadpanned.Bailey nodded, "We just don't say anything because we're nice.""Oh really?" Derek asked with a slight humor in his voice, "Well your mom and I are just gonna be grosser and grosser, here we'll start now-""No!" The pair yelled in tandem as they watched their father pull their mother into arms to kiss her once more."Okay, we need to talk before we leave," Meredith laughed as she pushed him away, "Bailey, Dad told me you know. I'm sorry you had to overhear and we didn't get to tell you the truth."Zola's head snapped from her parents to her brother, "Wait, you know? About Brookline?"Derek eyed her carefully, trying to assess if his daughter would panic, if his son would react badly."Mmhm," Bailey shrugged, "I'm okay with it, I think. I mean I'm sad because my friends are here, but it'll be good. I get it."Zola didn't know what came over her. The fact that she had been so worried that her brother would hate her for life? The fact that she had a family that had her back no matter what? That it could all vanish?Zola reached for her brother and embraced him tightly."Thank you, Bailey," she whispered as she squeezed him.Meredith turned to Derek and smiled. Something in this madness was truly right. And it was in the form of their son.Bailey hugged her back quickly, "Okay, now we're gross."Zola rolled her eyes as she pushed him away and grabbed her backpack."Okay, I hate to interrupt this gross moment between the siblings," Meredith sighed as she reached for her thermos, "But we gotta go. We can talk more in the car."The siblings nodded and reached for their things.When they were younger, Zola and Bailey bickered and fought. Often. Zola was protective. Bailey was over energetic. He was always ready to run. Zola walked, carefully. They were a yin and yang of sorts. Sometimes they loved each other and she'd hold his hand when they walked to the house from their car so "her brother wouldn't fall" Zola would say. And sometimes, they'd fight over toys.And the bickering still happened. The parents were sure there would be fights over bathrooms and chores and who did this and who did that. But the thing they were so proud of, was how they'd grown to take care of one another. And how they also took care of their youngest sister.Meredith didn't have that. She was an only child who had been self-described as terrible with sisters. Derek was known as the brother with a temper and a need to be the golden child. Overprotective and mom's right hand."You got everything?" Derek asked his kids, "You're not forgetting anything?"Bailey shook his head, "All good. See you later dad!""Yeah we're good," Zola nodded as she turned to him with a smile, "See ya later, Dad! Love you!""Have a good day!" Dered shouted out before he turned to his wife, "Want to be gross one last time?"Meredith sighed before wrapping one arm around his neck and pecking his lips one last time, "I'll see you at work."He watched as she turned to him one last time from the door, "Ellis, please. She needs to be ready soon!""I got her, I promise," he smiled as she grinned at him one final time before shutting the door behind her.He wouldn't tell her but he worried for her. He had heard her toss and turn all night. He felt her try to fall asleep with her head on his chest- a habit she'd formed after many accidents between the pair. He'd gotten up once when his eyes snapped open to find an empty bed and had seen her sitting on the porch staring off into the sunrise with a journal in her hand.Her mind had been wandering and he knew there was little he could do.Derek made his way down the hall and knocked on the first bedroom door, "Ellie-Belle? Time for school, baby-girl, are you ready?""No," Ellis muttered as she released two coughs he was certain were forced, "I'm sick. I can't go to school!"Derek furrowed his brows. If she had been sick and Meredith had noticed, she would've definitely mentioned it. She would've already taken her temperature and would have proceeded to give her something. She'd probably stay home and take care of her daughter herself.Derek opened the door and leaned against the door frame,"You're sick?"Ellis coughed as she pulled the blanket tighter against herself."Uh-huh," she coughed again, "See? I think I even have a fever. Look touch my forehead"The little girl tightened her grip on her blankets as if trying to hide the fact that she was already dressed in a light yellow shirt and blue overalls.Derek reached to touch her forehead and resisted the urge to laugh at her antics, "You know, I am a doctor. I know sometimes it doesn't seem like it but I can tell when a munchkin like you is sick, and you do not seem sick to me.""I am too," Ellis grumbled, "I don't feel good."Derek shook his head, "Momma said you overslept. You never oversleep for school.""I told you," Ellis blinked forcefully trying to get her point across, "I'm. Sick.""Ellis," Derek shook his head. He noticed how he used the same tone when he tried to get his wife to spit out the truth.
I usually just say 'Meredith' and then you yell at me.
"I just don't want to go to school today!" Ellis exclaimed as she pushed the comforter away and stood on her bed, meeting his eye level, "Please? Daddy, can I please go to work with you?"Had this been a few years ago, he was sure he'd fall for it. Hell he was ready to render to her completely and let her get away with missing school now with the little pout she was doing and the doey green eyes she was giving him, but he knew better."Ellis, you gotta go to school. You've missed a lot when we were at Nana's," Derek shook his head,"Is something going on at school? Something you want to tell me?"Ellis shook her head adamantly, "I just want to stay in my treehouse. I want to go to work with you."No. Something wasn't registering in his head and something wasn't right. Ellis loved school. She looked forward to meeting teachers and seeing her friends every autumn. She looked forward to coming home and telling him all about what she'd learn and even though she'd sluggishly do it, homework was done quickly and efficiently. Grades were good and teachers loved her. Genuinely."I'm not buying it," Derek shook his head, "What's going on?""Nothing," Ellis insisted, "Daddy, I really just want to spend the day with you."Derek smiled and shook his head, "How about I pick you up from school today and you do your homework up in the treehouse, huh?"Ellis entertained the offer in her mind quickly before grimacing and giving in, "Okay.""Okay," he smiled, "C'mon, we're gonna be late!""And you're sure you're okay with this?" Meredith asked apprehensively through the rearview mirror as she pulled up to the drop-off zone, "You don't hate me or dad for moving?"Bailey slammed his head on the headrest with an eye roll."Mom," he sighed, "I promise, it's okay. I get it. Zo would do the same if I was in her shoes.""No I wouldn't," Zola teased. Bailey nudged the front seat, earning a slight giggle from his sister, "I would, Bailey. You know I would. How did you find out anyway?""Dad told me.""Dad told you? I don't think he just told you," Zola scoffed, "C'mon tell the truth.""I told you, you talk too loud when you're in the kitchen with mom," Bailey raised his brows in a very Shepherd-like way.Meredith shook her head at the light banter between the pair. Sometimes they reminded her of Derek and Amelia. She wondered if this is what they were like at one point. Before the drugs and the alcohol, the ego and the jobs. Maybe this dynamic of having each other's backs was something they'd inherited from them.She wasn't like that. Not always. She could still remember how she tried to push Lexie away as far as she could and how she initially rejected Maggie when she arrived in Seattle. By all accounts, she had been a terrible sister. Now, she was grateful for them and she missed Lexie more and more each day."Okay, well Ellie doesn't know yet, so we're gonna keep this to ourselves for now. We will talk to her soon," Meredith swallowed as she turned to him, "Bailey, you are a good brother. A really, really noble brother and a very good son."He shrugged, "I know."Meredith laughed. Shepherd confidence. He truly was his father's son."Okay, well, go to class," she smiled, "We'll see you at home later today."The pair waved to their mother, exchanged goodbyes, and jumped off the car. Zola walked slowly as Bailey dashed towards the entryway.Meredith watched them until they turned into small specks, camouflaging amongst them loads of preteens. A small part of her ached knowing that their lives were about to change. A part of her was frightened to know that the five of them would be going on a journey to the unknown. But the bigger side of her knew that this choice, as difficult as it was, was the right one.But Meredith was notorious for hating change. Especially when the list of things to do only grew and grew every day.A ring disrupted her thoughts. She reached her phone, knowing that an email would be waiting for her. Her eyes scanned the subject line. Meredith blinked, surprised at the words in the email."What the hell?" she muttered to herself.A knock on her window startled her."You gotta keep moving! We got more cars coming up!"Meredith stared at the woman kicking her from the drop-off curb.How was she gonna move after reading that?"Look who's that? Who's that?""Unc Der!"Derek turned around at the familiar toddler voice and knelt down to his level, "Hey! There's my nephew! Where have you been, kid?"Derek walked towards the toddler and offered his arms. Scout happily took them and giggled with glee as his uncle gently tossed him in the air."Oh I miss when mine were this small," he pressed a kiss to the top of his nephews head as he continued walking towards the direction of the hospital.Amelia laughed, "No you don't. You just miss their cute voices and chubby faces. The rest of it? The tantrums? Not so much.""That's partly true but just you wait until he grows up, you'll be saying the same thing," Derek laughed, "I just dropped off Ellis, but before we left, she didn't want to go to school. She said she was 'sick' and I knew better so I sent her anyway but a part of me just wanted to keep her home with me and watch movies all day.""Oh that one is a handful," Amelia laughed, "She might be my protege on torturing you."Derek shook his head. In many ways, Ellis' sneaky behavior reminded him of a younger Amelia."Hey, you," Derek poked the toddler's belly earning a giggle, "When did you start calling me Uncle Der? I thought I was still Dee. Huh?"The boy giggled as his arms wrapped around his uncle's neck, "Unc Der""I'm Uncle Der," Derek smiled, proud at the new milestone. He turned to his sister and noticed her slightly worried brow, "How have you been? Haven't seen you in a few days.""Maggie's case- the one she published- reminded me of Christopher," she sighed, "It's like the universe is throwing all these curveballs at me just to make me suffer. Reminding me of what I've lost and losing people it kinda feels like crap."Derek held onto his nephew a little tighter. A gut instinct told him that he needed to be honest with her as soon as possible but how was he going to tell her that he was ready to move forward and away from Seattle?He'd be packing up his bags, his wife, and children and moving across the country once more. Thousands and thousands of miles away."Amy-""Hey, Meredith sent me a picture of that giant treehouse," Amelia bombarded him, "How the hell did you pull that off?""Oh Ellis is insistent and I really wanted to finish it for her," he explained, "They refused to get down last night.""That would've been pretty cool to have as a kid," Amelia laughed, "I probably would've hid in there and done all sorts of stuff.""Now I know where Ellis gets that from," he laughed, "You should stop by and see it, Zola went out with Mer to find things to decorate the whole thing and Bailey helped build it. They'd love to have someone to show it off to."Amelia laughed. If someone would've told her that she'd be bonding with her brother over raising children, she would've laughed. She would've said that there was no way her brother would be sharing parenting advice or even listen to her woes in parenting. She would've assumed he'd be judging her and telling her she was doing it all wrong- just like surgery. But even he had to admit that parenting came with no how-to pamphlet."They are good siblings," Amelia sighed, "I remember when Bailey would steal the girls' plushies and Ellis 'accidently' broke his Buzz Lightyear in return. Your house was a war zone for kids."Derek laughed heartily."Do you think he'd look like him?" she reached for his blonde tresses and gently caressed them, "I think he'd have my blue eyes like Scout or maybe Ryan's dark eyes but I don't know. It's hard to picture him sometimes."Amelia smiled as her son happily giggled in his uncle's arms, "I think he would've been such a good brother."Derek's heart sank. The pain his sister felt was one he couldn't even imagine. All those years ago, he didn't have time to fully come to terms with the fact that Meredith had discovered she'd been pregnant and had suffered a miscarriage in the course of one day. He'd been too caught up in his own mess- and a gunshot wound- to realize it. But Amy had held her son. She'd carried it to term and made a painful decision.He couldn't be the one to add to her pain. Not today."I think," Derek sighed, "He'd look just like you."
"This protocol is making Diane so sick that her esophagus tore!," Meredith followed Maggie to the attending's bathroom where she continued to pack her bag.
"You don't get it!" Maggie yelled, "I love my mother enough not to say 'screw it' and throw her down a damn drain!"
Maggie turned on her heels and stomped out of the room, brushing past Derek who had just entered the room and stopped at the sight of the sisters fighting.
Meredith breathed heavily as she processed the words her sister had spat at her.
"Meredith?" Derek asked, "Mer?"
"Don't!" she tried to push past him until he held her back and closed the door behind him, "No, Derek, let me go, just don't-!"
"She didn't mean it," he whispered, "She didn't mean what she said, she is hurting. She is losing her mother and she is hurting. She didn't mean to hurt you."
Meredith dug her fingers into his arms and she relinquished control. She hurt. Not for herself. But for her sister who was losing the woman she loved most in this world. And the woman who loved her back even more.
"I wanted to help her," Meredith sniffed, "I wanted to save her for Maggie, I wanted-"
"I know," Derek whispered as he caressed her hair, "I know you did."
She'd been in her office for at least an hour now. She'd been sitting in that damn office reading the damn thing on her screen over and over and over again.
Dear Dr. Meredith Grey,
Please accept this as official notice of my resignation as Chief of Cardiothoracic Surgery and Attending Surgeon at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital. It has been nothing but an honor to have worked, collaborated, and learned from and by such an accomplished body of world class surgeons. I am certain that my position will be filled by an exceptional surgeon and can only hope that my future ventures in Chicago are as successful as they have been here.
I would like to help in any way I can in the transition.
Yours Sincerely,
Dr. Margaret Pierce, M.D, F.A.C.S.
Chief of Cardiothoracic Surgery
Grey Sloan Memorial
Meredith stared at the letter. This must've been the hundredth time she'd read it and no matter what, she still could not believe it. It didn't register in her mind that Maggie Pierce was leaving Grey Sloan.Maggie Pierce was leaving Seattle.Maggie Pierce was leaving Grey Sloan Memorial.Maggie Pierce was leaving.The door of her office burst open with a bubbly Maggie making her way in, "Hey, you-"Maggie's smile dropped, "Oh God, you read it.""You accepted the job in Chicago," Meredith clenched her jaw, "You're leaving Grey Sloan."Maggie stuffed her hands in her lab coat's pockets, "I didn't mean to send that. It was an accident, I wanted to talk to you and Amelia about it first but-""I asked you about this and you said-""Woah, wait, hang on!" Maggie shook her head, "You have been out in other states searching for a school for your daughter! For all I know, you and Derek have already decided to-""The difference between us is that I was very clear with you about my intentions. I approached you the second I got off a phone call with The Heart Center and you said you would tell me if you were considering this," Meredith stood her ground, "Or was that all just some crap you-""I wasn't going to take it, I didn't think I would!" Maggie yelled back, "But then I-I thought about it! And I thought about where I stand with Winston! And I thought of you and I have to give myself this chance Meredith! I have to-""What about your marriage, huh? Winston? What about him?""He's not going," Maggie gulped, "So please save me the big speech about you and Derek are the freaking couple of the century and how your freaking post-it saved it because my marriage isn't the same!"Meredith could feel the tears brimming in her eyes, "You gave me so much crap when a job was offered in Minnesota-""I knew you were gonna be angry-""No Maggie! I'm not just angry! I am pissed! You had the nerve to yell at me for wanting to leave Seattle for a job and I stayed! You said I wasn't loyal! You-""I didn't stop you! You chose to stay!""Except you did! Along with Richard and Bailey and every single person who called me a traitor!""Meredith-""I thought you'd have the decency and that you cared about me enough to tell me to my face," Meredith quietly muttered.Maggie gripped the chair in front of her tightly. She could count on her fingers the amount of times she and her sister had fought to the point of yelling at each other.Meredith grabbed her tablet and left her office. The echo of the office resounding loudly.Maggie Pierce was leaving Seattle.Maggie Pierce was leaving Grey Sloan Memorial.Maggie Pierce was leaving.Meredith stared at the tablet in front of her and tapped on it as the words echoed in her mind. So much was changing in such a short time and she wasn't sure she could completely handle it now."Hey," Derek's cheery voice interrupted her thoughts as he greeted her with a chaste kiss to her cheek, "How was your morning? Are you feeling better?""I'm busy," she quickly glanced at him and stared down at the tablet to continue tapping away."You okay?" his brows furrowed as he tried to examine her expressions, "Something happened?""I'm fine," she rolled her eyes, "Did you need anything, Dr. Shepherd?"Ah, Derek thought. He was Dr. Shepherd right now. Things were tense in her mind and there was no way he was going to break her. Not that he should, she was the chief after all."Sorry, Chief," Derek studied her face as he shook his head, "I just got an email from the accreditation program. Jamara Blake? She wants to come in and do an initial review of the program before we begin the clearance process to get off of probation.""What?" Meredith's head snapped up, "You just got this now?"She hadn't expected any news any time soon. She wanted to have time to update any discrepancies in protocols and maybe hand the program off to the next chief for clearance. Now, it was just another thing added to her never empty plate."Yes," he nodded, "I forwarded the email earlier, I thought you would've seen it by-""I had other stuff going on, Dr. Shepherd," she rolled her eyes, "What is she looking for?""Everything we missed last time," he sighed, "A full staff, updated protocols, well-being of patients, ranking, and programs for the interns' wellbeing-""Okay," Meredith slammed her head into her hands before turning to him, "Are we ready for this? Is our program ready for her to come in or are we still a sinking ship?"She'd placed this in his hands after seeing how he had been Bailey's right hand throughout the previous process. He'd tried everything to save what he could. And had been frustrated at the fact that the chance to save the program had slipped through her fingers."No, we're still afloat," he assured her, "I do need to talk to you about certain details at a later time when you're less busy but we're ready for her."Meredith bit her lip. When the hell would she ever be less busy?She sighed, "Okay, I'll schedule a meeting with the attendings so you can go over whatever you need to with them. Everyone should be at their A-game for this. I don't want any mistakes.""You got it," Derek tapped once on the counter and nodded. He pushed himself off and walked down the hallway, concerned for his wife once more. She was fine this morning and suddenly it was a flip of the switch. Perhaps the lack of sleep, he thought."Hey, Shepherd, you got a minute?"Derek turned around and nodded at Winston who caught up to him, "Yeah, what's up?""I have a patient who I operated on this morning and she's possibly presenting with a bleed, can you check out the scans? I think it's chronic subdural but I want to clear my bases."Derek nodded as he took the tablet from him, "You're right. It'll reabsorb itself but I can send an intern to get her in for another CT in an hour. We'll play it safe.""I appreciate that," Winston nodded, "Hey uh, I hope I'm not overstepping here but can I ask you something? About you and Meredith?"Derek shakily laughed as he moved to continue his way down the hall, "Yeah?""A while ago, you mentioned you took a job out of state and Meredith stayed behind? Back when you worked at the NIH in D.C.? That's the one?"Derek winced. That damn city always came to haunt him no matter what."Okay you might be overstepping-""I just wanted to, I mean," Winston sighed desperately, "How did you make it work?""We didn't," Derek swallowed, "I've made a lot of mistakes in life but taking that job was the biggest one I've made. I left out of spite, because she told me to go and she didn't mean it but-"Derek sighed. It was complicated to explain. Too complicated."Why are you asking me this? What's going on?"Winston frowned in disappointment. It wasn't the answer he was looking for."Maggie got offered a job in Chicago," he explained, "Actually she got multiple offers out in the east coast but Chicago is the frontrunner.""She what?" Derek furrowed his brows together."Yeah," Winston shook his head, "I moved out here for her. I left a pretty good job out there and I don't regret it, but-""She's taking the job," a sudden realization hit Derek. It's why Meredith had been distant just a few minutes ago, "She's leaving for Chicago.""We can't make it work," he shrugged, "She doesn't respect me, I mean you read the article, you read what she said. I think this move might be it."Derek did his best to bite his tongue, "Winston-""She called me a coward. She said I disappear and protect myself," he shook his head, "We're not gonna make it.""I can't give you any advice here because my wife told me a few weeks ago that I push her away when crap happens and she's right," he sighed, "So, you two need to know if you want the same thing. If you don't, it's not gonna work. And you're not gonna know if you're here talking to me about it."Winston sighed, "You're saying we need to talk it out."Derek stood in the elevator, "Yeah, you need to talk to her.""You can be honest you know," Amelia blurted as she entered the scan room, "My brother hired someone to build that treehouse. You could say it.""Amelia-" Meredith muttered as she rubbed her temple. The headache she'd been feeling since she'd heard Derek's news just wouldn't go away."Why is it so dark in here?" Amelia hit the switch and turned to her sister, sitting on the couch, "You okay?"Meredith shook her head, "No. I'm not.""What's wrong?"Meredith turned to stare at her, "Don't pretend you don't know. I know you do. Maggie trusts you with everything she does with you first.""Know what?" Amelia furrowed her brows, "What's going on? Are the kids okay? Is Derek okay? Oh my god, please don't tell me he also has a secret tumor-""Amelia," Meredith gritted, "When were you gonna tell me that Maggie had accepted a job in Chicago?"It was as if the Earth had shifted right under her feet. Amelia froze in place as she tried to register Meredith's words."She what?" Amelia asked incredulously, "Meredith, what are you talking about?""I got a call last week from the Heart Center in Chicago asking me for references because they were interested in Dr. Margaret Pierce. 'She'd make a fine addition to their surgical staff,' they said," Meredith rolled her eyes, "They wanted to give her a lab with research for-""Meredith," Amelia sighed, "It's the article she published. Every time she publishes she gets offers from everywhere. You can't just assume-""So then why is there a letter of resignation in my inbox and why didn't she deny it this morning?"Amelia blinked, "So it's real, she's leaving?"In the past whatever years it'd been, the trio had been inseparable. To have one of them leave was a heartbreak Amelia wasn't so sure she could recover from easily."I yelled at her this morning about it and she didn't deny it," Meredith buried her face again in her hands before continuing, "I don't feel particularly proud about it before you yell at me about it."Amelia shuffled. It was as if someone had thrown another rock at her and waited for her to fall on the floor to point and laugh. She began to psvr around the room as a sudden realization hit her. Derek had tried to tell her something. Derek and Meredith had been looking for schools for their daughter. They'd gone so far to New York and Boston and all she'd heard was about his fights with their sisters and some peace between himself and their mother.She needed to know the truth and Meredith would have no choice but to tell her now."Are you and Derek leaving?"Meredith's head snapped up to look at her, "What?""Are you leaving? To New York or Boston? Because you just told me that Maggie is leaving for Chicago and Kai is gone and now I-I-I need to know if you and Derek and the kids are leaving me-""Have you talked to Derek?" Meredith clenched her hands in her fist, hoping and praying he'd gotten a chance to say his piece."You haven't denied it," Amelia swallowed and blinked rapidly. Her chest hurt as the truth made it's uncomfortable stay on her chest, "Oh my god, you haven't denied it because you are. I can't- Meredith, when were you going to-""Amy, Derek wanted to-""No!" Amelia yelled back, "It's Amelia!"She turned on her heels and slammed the door behind her.
Meredith walked into the waiting room. She stopped at the door frame and stared at the figure sitting. His head in his hands, pulling at the curls, his foot shaking nonstop.
She sat on the chair next to him and rubbed his back gently, "Have you slept?"
"Mm-mh," he shook his head."Did you eat? Do you want me to bring-""I'm not hungry," he swallowed as he kept his sight down.
Amelia had been in his place years ago. Not that she had cared then. Back then, Meredith was too lost in her own grief to even realize the pain Amelia was going through.
"She's gonna come out of this," Meredith whispered as she leaned her forehead against his head, "the surgery went fi-""She hasn't woken up," he turned to her, "If she doesn't wake up-""She will," she squeezed his arm, "She will wake up.""What if she doesn't? She could have a stroke, she could seize, he could've nicked a vessel and she could bleed out, it's a complicated tumor and what if- what if this is all she gets? What am I gonna tell my mom-""Okay, we're not gonna think about that right now," she whispered, "Amelia is gonna wake up. And she'll be back in the OR performing surgery in no time. I know it. I believe it."
She placed one hand on his right cheek and leaned in to press her lips on the left, holding him close and trying to chase the scary thoughts away. The truth was, that she too was terrified of not seeing her sister wake up.
"Dr. Shepherd? Dr. Grey?"
Their heads snapped up to the resident standing on the doorway. Both of their breaths stopped.
"She's awake. And she's asking for you."—"When the hell were you gonna tell me?" Amelia burst in through the office and slammed the door behind her."What are you talking about?" Derek looked up at her. He noticed the rage in her blue eyes. The way her nostrils flared and her hands were clenched up in fists. It'd been years since this type of rage was directed at him. Derek searched his sisters eyes for any indication as to why she was so furious, but even he wasn't too naive to sense that she now knew the truth, "Amy-""You're leaving for Boston. When the hell were you going to tell me? Were you even going to tell me? Or were you just gonna pack up and leave like you did when you left to Maine-""Amy-" Derek stood from behind his desk and tried to make his way towards her only for her to step back, marking a clear line between the two."No! I thought things were different! I thought you and I were different but you're back to hiding things from me and pushing me away!""You know why we went to New York!" Derek yelled back, "You know why we went to Boston! We didn't hide anything from you! I didn't hide anything! You know that Meredith and I are trying to do what's best-""For who? For you?" Amelia scoffed, "You can cut the crap with me Derek. You're running like you always do."They had a tendency to run. As fast as they could and as far as they could. It was their specialty. Something else the pair had in common. A need to run when the scary things happened."I'm doing this for my children, Amy!" Derek firmly stated, "You were the one who told me to make things right back home. I did. And now I have to make things right with my family, with my wife, and my kids. And that means if that means I have to move my kids out of here then that's a choice I will make with my wife!""And she gets to call all the shots again right?" Amelia gritted, knowing fully well she was digging up an argument left in the past, "You've known for weeks you were leaving, you let me go on and on-"Derek exhaled before calmly trying to step near her "Amy-""No! Screw you! And screw your wife and every single time you told me you wouldn't leave me like you always have," gritted as she stepped away, "You lied! You didn't tell me! You didn't tell me and I trusted you all this time and I told you I felt lonely and you knew you were leaving! I told you all about- ugh!""Amelia!" he called out to no avail as she stormed out of the office.Derek rubbed his face with his hands as she watched how she pushed past a body who was clearly about to make his way into his office. Derek froze. This person had heard everything. Everything he wasn't ready to tell him because he too had been abandoned by him years ago, and he was just beginning to make amends."What does she mean 'you're leaving'?" Lucas brows furrowed as he blinked in confusion.Derek blinked, "Lucas-""No, uh, now's not a good, Dr. Ndugu asked me to tell you CT scans were ready," Lucas stammered, "I gotta go.""Shep!" Derek called out. He hurried after him only to see him dash into the elevator and press onto the button.Closing any chance to reach him."Why does Amy know about Boston?" Derek slammed the door behind him as he walked into the chief's office, "I thought you were going to let me tell her?""Your personal problems with your sister have nothing to do with me," Meredith muttered as she slammed the drawer shut. She took a bottle of Advil out and swallowed a pill with no water."You said you'd give me a chance to talk to her, Meredith. How did she find out?" Derek leaned on the chair in front of her."She put it together, Derek!" Meredith stood up and met his eyes angrily, "You had all freaking morning to tell her. You said you'd tell her! It's not my fault you didn't do anything!""What is this about? You've been pissed all morning and you took it out on me at the nurse's station," Derek raised his voice, "Is this because you found out Maggie took a job in Chicago?"Meredith scoffed, "Believe it or not Derek, I'm running a freaking hospital! Everything doesn't revolve around you or Maggie or Amelia!""No it doesn't and you're right, I should've told her earlier," Derek placed both hands on his hips. His voice lowered knowing they were both riding on high emotions they couldn't simply control, "Winston told me this morning about Maggie. After I spoke to you. I'm assuming she told you right before. It's why you were angry. Is it true?"Meredith swallowed. There was no point in lying to him, not when he knew so much already, "She put in her notice this morning. I got an email with her resignation letter.""What?""She said she didn't mean to send it and I took it out on Amy thinking she knew and then she asked if we were leaving," Meredith shook her head, "It's how she pieced it together. She just-"Meredith exhaled loudly as she slammed her head onto her hands.Derek watched her carefully, "When's the last time you ate-""This morning at home-""Stop lying, the only dishes in the sink were the bowls the kids used," he shook his head as he reached for the thermos. Still full, he deemed it, "You didn't sleep last night.""I'm fine," she lied again, "I'm just-"A knock in the door interrupted her before she could respond, "Dr. Grey? Oh, Dr. Shepherd, I'm so sorry for interrupting, but there's a call for you or Dr. Shepherd, actually. It's from your daughter's school.""Which one?" they asked in tandem."Uh, Ellis," the woman answered, "They'd like to meet with you before the school day ends.""Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Grey, thank you so much for meeting with me on such short notice," the lithe woman invited them into the classroom and motioned to two chairs in a kidney table set up against a wall. They stepped in hesitantly, both quickly glancing at the opposite window where their daughter was. Sitting on a swing reading a book."Is Ellis okay?" Meredith asked anxiously as she sat down, "Is Ellis okay?""Oh she's great, I mean," Ms. Matthews sighed, "Is everything okay at home? Are you two okay? I don't mean to pry it's just I know you both have very busy jobs and they're immensely commendable-""Ms. Matthews, my wife and I spent every second we possibly can with our kids," Derek shook his head, "If you're about to insinuate that we don't-""I know, I know," Ms. Matthew sighed before smiling, "Ellis comes to school every Monday talking about how you all go fishing, and the ferryboats, and the pizza, and the hikes, I mean she can go on and on about it during our sharing time on Monday mornings."The teacher laughed before turning serious, "I just had to ask because she's also quite social. She has friends in every class in her grade level. And I know she hit a bump in the road after her brother's accident. It's normal for children to have bursts at school when things like this happen-"
Bailey, you're alive!
Meredith shook the image of her daughter running to her brother out of her mind, "He's much better now and she's been really good at home. She hasn't had any outbursts there.""Neither here. And she was very enthusiastic about school when you returned from your trip," she swallowed, "In fact, she tried so hard to make amends when she returned with all her classmates- we had a big conversation. She apologized profusely and gave out letters. But today, she didn't even try to play during recess. She asked if she could stay in and help me with anything like tidying up or setting up. She asked if she could have lunch with me."The parents quickly eyed each other as they took in their words. Their boisterous, joyful, social Ellis wasn't her normal self."I wouldn't mind it at all but it's quite unusual for her to stay in and not be with her friends. I asked if anything was bothering her, I offered some of my own snacks and a couple treats to see if it'd win over any secrets but I got nothing.""You're concerned she doesn't have any friends," Derek pieced together."The playdate," Meredith grabbed his hand, "She was off that night remember? She said she didn't want to talk about it but she was upset. She was very upset.""Can I ask who she had a playdate with?" the teacher asked."Morgan uh, I forget her last name," Meredith exhaled as she mentally kicked herself for not knowing such a basic thing.Ms. Matthews nodded, "It's interesting, they haven't really been friends lately and they were at one point."Meredith rubbed her forehead again, feeling the migraine creep up again."Dr. Grey, Dr. Shepherd," Ms. Matthews continued, "Ellis is quite a bright kid. She's so inquisitive and is immensely kind. I just worry that she's scared to tell any one of us the truth. And from what I hear, you two have magic powers with her."Sure. Except they both felt that those magic powers had dimmed lately."No one warned us. No one told us it'd be this hard," Derek muttered as he sat next to his wife on a bench in the schoolyard. They watched as their daughter quietly swung with the book in her hand. She was nearly done with it and clearly hadn't noticed them at all."We think we're getting the grip of things and suddenly we're hitting the ground all over again," Meredith muttered, "Something happened at that playdate."Ellis had been upset when she jumped in the car and when her family had tried to ask what was wrong, she refused to explain anything. And then her treehouse took her attention and life just moved forward."You think the other two know anything?""Maybe" Meredith shrugged, "If they do, they're gonna keep it tightly shut and one of us is gonna need to break them to tell."Derek shook his head, "That's not gonna happen. You saw them this morning."There was a truce between the siblings. One Meredith and Derek didn't expect. Meredith had been proud of how open Bailey was for his sister. And she'd been proud of how she'd protected him and watched out for him after his accident. They had taught her a few lessons in sibling relationships today. Reminding her of the painful strain she had with her sisters right now."Sorry about Amy," Meredith whispered as she turned to look at him, "I didn't think she'd ask about us and I was angry and thought I knew about Maggie.""I know," Derek sighed, "It's just that Lucas overheard as she stormed out of the office. He had that look he'd get as a kid whenever his mom took him home. I tried to talk to him but he just left."Meredith watched as he stared at their daughter. She hadn't noticed them sitting on the bench, still very invested in the book. Her blond locks hung loosely around her frame as she looked down at the book.He suddenly turned to her, "Sorry about Maggie.""Me too," she whispered before swallowing a lump in her throat, "I'm not mad that she's leaving. I-I'm proud of her. She's worked hard for the last whatever years she's been here and she deserves the recognition. But, I just didn't think..It's just…ugh.""You're scared," Derek finished for her. He knew his wife very well. He knew that changes like these were not always something she reacted well to.She closed her eyes and exhaled, "Everything's changing. People are leaving- we're leaving- and I-""You don't want to leave?" Derek asked as he tried to decipher her, "Is that it?""No, No! It's not that. We need this. Our kids need this," she exhaled, "I just don't like this feeling of not knowing what's next, you know?"Change was scary. Change was important. The opportunity for a change came very rarely and it often came with a door to start over. To press restart and learn from the mistakes that were made. And in some ways, she wanted to look at their big change in such a way. But sometimes, the small feeling of doubt crept in and she wanted to take it all back.But Meredith wasn't the same young, naive, intern that once stepped through the doors of Seattle Grace. She had grown into a world-class surgeon, climbed up the latter and became chief. She'd formed a family with a man she wouldn't let love her. She'd opened her life to so much.Was it really so hard to change once more?"You never have, Mer," Derek snorted, "And that's fine, I get it. You had a big change when you were a kid- when you were like her-"He motioned to the blonde girl sitting on the swings. A part of him imagined Meredith had been somewhat similar at her age."Your mom flipped your life upside down in the blink of an eye. She took you to a different state, hid out in an apartment, and you were so taken aback you just blocked it all out," he shrugged, "It's why you hate change. It's why you didn't want to leave for Boston when you finished your residency all those years ago."Meredith stared at him. Damn Derek Shepherd and his ability to know her well. Even when she thought he didn't understand her, he did. He knew the darkness, the twistiness, the brightness, and the resilience had formed her. That the world wasn't always so black and white for her and he had accepted that just as much as she had accepted his need for making the 'right' choice.They just…made sense together."You really need to go back to therapy," Meredith raised her brow as she leaned her head on his shoulder with an exhale.Derek chuckled, "Yeah, I do."A brief moment of silence passed between the two as they watched their daughter."Maybe we should've left then," Meredith mumbled, "They would've had a whole other life."He turned to her and noticed the slight pout on her face. He knew what she meant. They should've left for Boston when they both had a chance to. She would've ran from the pain Lexie's death had left and he would've left the pain that Mark's absence left as well. They would've never stayed in a city where a sister suddenly showed up and where another moved her whole life to.This life they had could have once been very different.He pushed back a stray hair behind her ear, "You need to talk to her. You need to talk to Maggie and make it right."Meredith moved her head and sat up straight, "Get off your soapbox, you're fighting with your sister too-""Yeah, but that's not new to us," he shook his head, "We've had worse fights than this- and this one's gonna go on for a while I can feel it- but we'll work it out. You, on the other hand, need to talk to Maggie soon. Before she leaves and you don't get a chance to tell her."Like Lexie. Before she left and Meredith didn't get a chance to say sorry for all the times she hadn't been her sister. She didn't get a chance to tell her she loved her. And that she had been the best thing to happen after the mess with Thatcher.Her sister had been the greatest thing Thatcher could have given her.Meredith sighed as she kept her gaze out to the swing set.The small girl's head popped up and spotted them. Ellis smiled brightly before she quickly grabbed her backpack and ran to them."How long have you been there?" she shouted excitedly as she reached them. She dropped her backpack at their feet, standing happily in front of the pair."For a while," Meredith sighed, relieved at her daughter's presence, "We practically watched you devour the whole book. Why aren't you playing with your friends?""It's a good book," Ellis shrugged as she tapped her fingers on the cover.Something didn't sit right with the parents."This morning you didn't want to come to school,'' Derek shook his head, "You were sick and now we're here because you didn't want to play during your recess time. Your teacher is worried and so are we."Ellis looked down at the book in her hands."We know you, Ellie-Belle," Meredith whispered, "What's going on?"No one wants to be my friend," she confessed. A soft sigh escaped her lips as she twitched her nose, "They say I was mean to them and that I hurt their feelings. I said I was sorry but they're worried that I'm still going to be mean.""Oh, Ellis," Meredith pulled her into her arms and embraced her tightly, not knowing who needed the hug more. Her or her daughter, "Sweetie, why didn't you say anything?""I didn't want you to worry. Bailey had gotten better and Zola hadn't had any-" Ellis shrugged, before looking up at her parents with tears in her eyes, "I wanted to be good again. I wanted to start over."Meredith gripped her daughter in her arms tightly before pulling back, "You are good. You are very good. You have always been good.""You made mistakes," Derek whispered as his daughter reached to hug him too, "We all make them. It doesn't mean you're bad and it doesn't mean all of this is your fault."Ellis nodded.Perhaps she didn't fully understand the weight of their words now, but perhaps later when she'd make the stupid mistakes only young adults would, these words would echo in the back of her mind.At least that's what the parents hoped.Because a lifetime of thinking that there was no way back from being bad was a cruel weight to carry for a lifetime.She should've gone home.She should've left in the car with Ellis and Derek to pick up Zola and Bailey and gone home. She shouldn't have returned to the hospital to finish up the stupid budget report.But if they were really going to leave, she couldn't just leave the hospital sink. Not when so much was riding on the line."Grey," Miranda stood at the door of her office, "You got a minute?"Meredith looked up and blinked, "Yeah, come in."Miranda closed the door behind her and studied her mentee closely, "Mm, you look worse than me. I thought I had a day.""Ellis is having a terrible time at school. Zola and Bailey are coming to terms with some things and ugh, it's just been a day," Meredith sighed, "How the hell did you do it when you were chief.""It's a delicate balancing act," Miranda sighed, "Sometimes you'll screw it up and there's nothing you can do.""That's a very honest answer.""I can lie and say it's easy but it's not," Miranda shrugged, "Uh, listen I hate to bother you with this but the doxxing is getting worse and I promised Ben that I'd talk to you about more security. And an escort to my car when I left this place.""I saw him last week waiting for you on my way out," Meredith nodded, "Are you still getting calls from unknown numbers?"Bailey nodded tiredly, "Indeed I am. Listen, I don't need you to do anything big right now, if it gets worse I will-""I'll get security for you and talk to the board about hiring something or talking to someone to look out at your house. I don't want this to worsen. You should consider staying elsewhere for a bit," Meredith reached for a post-it to write, "But I've got you, tell Ben not to worry."Miranda nodded and stood from the chair. Meredith watched as she made her way out the door tiredly. She turned to her once more."You know," Miranda smiled, "I used to think that I had to be here all the time to keep this place running, but it took time from Tuck that I'm not getting back. And it burned me out, it's why I quit.""Days like today make me want to quit," Meredith answered, "They make me feel like I'm not doing anything right.""You don't come in on weekends- if you do it's because that husband of yours takes the kids out fishing, I know because sometimes Ben and the boys will tag along- and those kids some of the happiest and healthiest kids I've seen," Miranda smiled, "Being a wife, a mother, a professional is such a position, even with all they got going on, I see it. I see how you try and succeed. You're doing something right."Miranda Bailey very rarely gave compliments. And when she did, she meant it with all her heart. She had a lot of that even if her past nickname indicated otherwise."Thank you, Miranda," Meredith smiled, not knowing she needed the small nudge of validation"Dr. Bailey?"She turned back one final time."You did well too," Meredith smiled, "With all your kids.""What are you doing on the old swing?"Maggie shrugged, "Can we really call it a swing if it doesn't actually swing anymore?"Meredith laughed as she stepped forward and removed an old nail, "I used to uh, catch my fingers here as a kid apparently and Thatcher put this here."She sat on the swing next to her and slightly swung, "I went to your place and Winston said you hadn't been staying there all week. You haven't been staying there for a while."Maggie nodded, "I think we got married too soon. We got tangled in this idea that we were always meant to be together and we had each other when we were both so lonely and we got married. We got married without knowing each other."Meredith sighed."Did you know Derek well enough when you signed your post-it?"Amelia had once asked her that. She refused to answer, claiming she wouldn't get involved between her and Owen."We had seen the darkest sides of each other," Meredith swallowed, "He'd seen me in my darkest and I'd seen him in his. We knew what we were getting into"Maggie shook her head, "He said I was like Ellis. That I was cold.""Oh," Meredith rolled her eyes, "Derek said that once. About me. I wanted to punch him in the face.""You're not like Ellis," Maggie turned to her, "I mean, I didn't know her but from what I heard, I know you are not cold.""But I am ambitious like she was," Meredith swallowed, "I just don't like it getting in the way of loving the people I love. My sisters, my friends, my husband, my kids. I want that, she just didn't want any of it and that was a choice she made.""She wanted Richard," Maggie shrugged, "Didn't she?""She did," Meredith sighed, "They were just too stubborn and too ambitious to set their jobs aside. And she wanted her career more than anything.""Coldness is in our genes," Maggie shook her head, "It's in mine at least, you lucked out."Meredith's head snapped towards her."Maggie," she cried, "You are anything but cold. Just because you want this job, it doesn't make you cold. You wouldn't be so heartbroken about Winston and you wouldn't know he also needed to chase his dreams if you were cold."Maggie hummed."You tried," Meredith sighed, "That's more than most can say. It's more than what Ellis can say."It didn't quite convince her sister, she could tell. Ellis Grey and her tendency to loom over them was sometimes greater than anyone could imagine.Long ago, Meredith had chosen to turn away from the coldness Ellis Grey had been notorious for. Some called it focus, a tool she used to stay in control of the gift she'd been given. Some said she just couldn't balance.Meredith chose to believe that she did the best she could because deep down, children and families weren't something Ellis Grey had in her cards for life. It was ordinary. And when Meredith had felt, for the first time ever, that she had found a great love Ellis had yelled out those cruel, cold words at her.
Listen to me, Meredith! Anyone can fall in love and be blindly happy, but not everyone can pick up a scalpel and save a life! I raised you to be an extraordinary human being, so imagine my disappointment when I wake up after five years and discover that you're no more than ordinary! What happened to you?
It would be the last lucid thing she would hear from her mother. Meredith would not let any cruel words be the last anyone ever heard from her."Maggie, I was mean to you," Meredith whispered, "I shouldn't have yelled at you about Chicago, I'm sorry.""Thanks," Maggie sighed, "I'm sorry that you found out the way you did. I should've been honest from the beginning and I should've told you that I was interested in the job."Meredith nodded, "I got scared. I don't know why but I didn't think that I'd be leaving Seattle and that suddenly you wouldn't be here.""Wait," Maggie straightened, "You're leaving? You're leaving Seattle?"Meredith swallowed a lump, "Zola loved a school out there. And Derek and I both have job offers that are too tempting to pass on.""Wow," Maggie blinked, "I mean, I knew it was likely going to happen, especially after Zola's panic attacks but this time, you are really leaving!""We might back out, we tend to do that! We have a history of threatening to leave and then staying with no good reason as to why we stay."They laughed together."Are you ready to leave? Are you really ready? I mean you've had chances before and even years before I got here, you were supposed to leave right?""I'm ready," Meredith sighed, "This time it just feels like it's the right move.""I'm not just chasing a job, I'm not being a trailing spouse, and I'm not running away from anything or anyone. I'm choosing to start again with my kids and my husband. I'm making a choice to give us a second chance and give those kids everything I did not have.""Spoken like a good mom," Maggie proudly whispered, "I think you're making the right choice. I think Zola needs this and I think you and Derek have been through enough here.""Chicago is good, too. They're very lucky to have you. You're an excellent surgeon," Meredith smiled."I am, aren't I," Maggie joked.The sisters laughed."Huh," Maggie wistfully muttered."What?""You don't think it's funny?" Maggie turned to her, "I left Boston, left my amazing parents who gave me what should've been the example of a near perfect family and now I am leaving Seattle because I chose my career. I'm okay with it because I have a family I love, a little unconventional but they get why I'm leaving.""Okay?""And you, who was raised by someone who only wanted her career," Maggie continued, "Are leaving Seattle with a family. And you are just as okay with that.""Hey," Meredith smirked, "We may have learned something from Ellis Grey after all."The sisters laughed. They were a mix of the best of Ellis, who managed to learn from the worst. If only she could see them now. Maybe, some wounds would be completely healed.Down the road a figure slowly trekked her way to the house."What are you two doing here?" Amelia grumbled, "Aren't you supposed to be packing for Chicago? Or Boston?""Amelia-" Magie sighed."Save it," Amelia shook her head, "I don't want to hear it. You both are clearly fine with each other since you're both leaving this godforsaken place.""Amelia, I'm sorry," Meredith apologized sincerely, "Derek wanted to talk to you. He wanted to be the one to tell you! I shouldn't have-"I'm not really in the mood to hear you justify your husband and the countless times he's screwed me over," Amelia walked away leaving the sisters on the porch, "Lock up when you're done!"The door slammed behind her as she stormed into the house."What happened?" Maggie blinked.Meredith sighed, "I kind of let it slip that you were leaving-""I got that," Maggie glared at her, "She knows you're leaving too?"Meredith raised her brows, "I was upset-""Meredith!""She pieced it together, I feel terrible about it, I do, okay!" Meredith stood up, "Amelia has big feelings and she has a lot going on with Kai and you and me. And I want to fix it but I can't because the only person who can fix it right now is her brother."Maggie shook her head as she watched her sister make her way to the car.So much for the eternal camaraderie of the Sister Chiefs.Meredith slowly closed the door behind her. Ten O'clock. It was past the kids' bedtime, but she was sure she'd still catch Derek awake."Hey," he smiled as he turned the corner from the hallway, "How was the rest of your day?"Meredith smiled as she watched him make his way around the kitchen. He reached for something from the fridge ready to hear the rest of her day."Bailey asked for security escort until the doxxing dies down," she sighed, "I think the board should consider renting something for her temporarily for her safety.""That's a good idea," Derek nodded as he pulled something covered in an aluminum cover.Meredith turned to the cabinet and reached for a glass. She filled it with water and sipped on it, a sigh escaping her lips. When was the last time she'd tasted such fresh water? She rubbed her neck and shut her eyes as she listened to him shuffle about the kitchen."Kids? They go down okay?""Yeah," he answered, "Zo and Bails had a good day. Ellis is doing better, but I'm still worried."Meredith opened her eyes, "Me too.""Did you talk to your sisters?" Derek asked as he set something on the counter."Amy is still pissed," Meredith shrugged, "I think you may need to take over that one.""I'll talk to her tomorrow," he sighed, "Mags?"Meredith thought about her sister for a moment before answering, "We're okay. Maggie and I are good.""Good," Derek turned to her and smiled, "Sit.""Oh, Derek, I can't talk anymore I'm exhausted and I need to see my kids-""I'm not asking you to talk, I'm asking you to sit," he moved away from where he was leaning to show what he'd been up to. A plate of whatever dish he and the kids had surely conjured up for dinner. Warm and ready for her to devour."Judging by the way you gulped down that water, you probably have three potato chips in your stomach and you haven't eaten a proper meal, so," he offered her a fork, "Eat. Now. If you're not going to take care of yourself, you better let me do it.""I love you," Meredith shook her head with a breathy chuckle, "You're my favorite husband."Derek stared up at the dark ceiling.No matter what he tried, he just could not fall asleep. Every time he'd close his eyes, the sight of Amelia would haunt him.Her blue eyes had been the same ones he'd seen when he'd packed up for college and left for Bowdin. They'd been the same sad eyes when he'd reprimanded her for getting home drunk and worrying their mother all night. The same sad eyes that looked down at their father's body in that old shop.He should've told her earlier when he had the chance. He should've told his sister that he was once again packing up and leaving. He should've explained that he wasn't simply abandoning her. He wasn't running.He was protecting his family, the way he once couldn't protect her.And then there was Lucas. Lucas, who had already felt like his favorite person had abandoned him. Who had the idea that he was a let down and a disappointment to the Shepherd name. How was he going to tell him the truth?Derek turned to the lithe body next to him as she turned to wrap her arm around him. Meredith tucked her head in the crook of his neck as her left fingers softly gripped the fabric of his t-shirt. He watched her slowly return to her deep slumber and only when her breath evened out again did he wrap his own arm around her.It's like she instinctively knew what he needed. Reassurance.He had to fix it with Amy. He had to explain things to Lucas. And he had to make sure his wife and children were safe and sound.He had to step up, and mend the broken bridges between two people he cared so deeply about.Derek sighed deeply, his eyes focused on the ceiling once more and sleep escaping him again.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"Please?""No.""Please?""No," Derek chortled, "I mean it. I don't want it. I'm flattered, but I can't.""Why not?""We have three kids, remember? ZoZo's anxiety just got under control and I really want to keep it that way-""I do too!" Meredith insisted, "And I'm in charge of the schedule so we can handle it.""I know we can but I don't want the job.""What if I told you that you had a very high recommendation?"
He scoffed as he looked up to meet her eyes. Meredith had been hanging over the counter of the nurses station like she used to when she was a resident except instead of light blue scrubs, she wore perfectly tailored trousers and a silk blouse. Her pristine white coat bore her name and her freshly minted title- Chief of Surgery. Her eyes full of mischief, ready to convince him and render him to her heart's desire. She used that high pitched tone she often used whenever she wanted something out of him. She'd taught it to their girls and he had no choice but to fall at their beck and call.
"I would say you're lying because who would think I'd make a good Residency Director?" He turned back to his tablet and read the notes of his latest patient.
Meredith patted the counter a few times as she studied him. He truly had changed after years of letting ambition lead his decisions. Or so she chose to think. He knew what he wanted. He chose his family over and over. He'd left that big job in D.C. and came home. He was still a hotshot and took on the cases that most wouldn't.
It wasn't always roses and rainbows, but it was different.
"Richard Webber," Meredith quietly divulged, "His recommendation was you and only you- and I agree. You should be the lead of this new program. I don't trust anyone else with this but you."
Derek stopped typing. Richard Webber was the last person he'd think would consider him for such a thing. They'd had their problems and their differences. But he was still a friend, he was family.
Meredith sighed, "So as chief- not your wife- I am asking you to consider taking the position."
Derek looked up at her and shook his head, "I got it tanked. I was in charge of helping Bailey get it together when Jamarah Blake-"
"That was not just on you, it was on all of us and you tried. You tried harder than most of us. And that's exactly why you should lead it," she argued, "And even though your tenure as chief wasn't always the best-""Yes, thank you for that," he scoffed."You believe in second chances. April Kepner is proof of it. You know what it means to be a resident and a doctor in need of a second chance. And this program is getting its second chance," she raised a brow. He didn't quite meet her gaze but didn't stare down at his tablet. Instead he momentarily stopped and thought about the second chances he'd been given.
During his career. During his residency. In parenthood. In friendships. In marriage. In life. He believed in them and had brought back residents in the era when he was chief. He'd given second chances every time someone successfully walked out of the hospital after being on his table.
"So just," she sighed, "think about it, okay?"
He looked up at her and smiled. Slightly.
"I'll think about it," he whispered.
Meredith grinned and thanked him briefly. He watched as she walked away with a slight bounce in her step.
"Oh," she turned around, "Ellis has her class play today! Don't be late!""Why are they looking at us that way?""I don't know," Zola shrugged, "Did you punch someone lately?"Bailey shook his head.The eldest two of the Little Grey Shepherds slowly made their way to the breakfast bar and sat on their usual stools. Breakfast had already been served. Scrambled eggs and fruit. The orange juice had been poured in their glasses. This was a weekend sort of breakfast. Not an entire one with pancakes or waffles but definitely not their usual rushed cereal or oatmeal. And to top it off, their parents stood side by side at the opposite side at the bar with a stare the kids couldn't quite decipher. The kind of look that was a mix of pride and mischief. And their parents- though doting as they were- were not mischievous. Well not their mom. But definitely their dad. At least in front of them."Good morning," Derek smiled widely"It is a good morning, isn't it?" Meredith smiled back at him before turning to the kids, "You should sit. Start on your breakfast."Mornings weren't necessarily a mom thing. She wasn't as cheerful as she was now and mornings were rushed and hurried. This was different."Did we do something?" Zola asked hesitantly.Meredith shrugged, "I don't know, did you?""Not that we know of," Bailey slowly answered with a nonchalant shrug. He reached for the fork and enthusiastically plunged it into a slice of melon and then into his mouth."Mm, you sure?" his mom asked again, "You're not keeping any secrets? Anything we should know?""No," they both answered in tandem as they quickly glanced at each other. They weren't known for skipping classes. They hadn't hidden any bad reports or test scores. Hadn't punched anyone out in defense of their sibling. And they definitely had not argued. Bickered? Yes. Fought? No."Really?" Derek asked, "Does the name Ellis Carolyn Grey Shepherd ring any bells?"Both siblings froze. Caught. The secret they had promised to keep up in that tree house was now wide into the open."Ellis told us not to tell you!""Zola said we needed to keep our promise-!""I- what?" Zola turned to him as the sting of betrayal hurt her, "I didn't say that!"He nodded, "Yes you did!"Had the siblings not been bickering with one another, they might've noticed their parents celebrate their victory by gently pressing their palms together. A silent high five. A celebration of a meticulous plan to have them come out with the truth. And boy, were they surprised it had worked."Alright, both of you stop it!" Derek commanded, "You're both at fault."The pair furrowed their brows at each other as they sat back down on their stools."Why didn't you tell us Ellis was having a hard time at school?" Meredith asked, "When did she tell you?""The day dad finished the treehouse," Zola sighed, "She told us no one wanted to be her friend."The parents glanced at each other. That'd been days before they had found out. Days before they had a phone call from her teacher. And even more days since they'd sat in the schoolyard watching her read an old book Meredith had passed down."And she told us we shouldn't tell you," Bailey shrugged, "She didn't want you to worry. We just wanted to be good siblings to her and keep our promise."The parents glanced at one another. All their children wanted to do was to take care of their youngest sister. They wanted to be the gatekeepers of her secrets. The guardians and the knights and protectors of one another. But it was also a burden that could grow and hurt. Ellis had a problem that they couldn't quite fix so easily. Hell, even Meredith and Derek were unsure of how to step in. So how were they going to let their little ones carry such a burden?"Listen, we appreciate that the two of you are getting along and that you're trying to be good siblings to Ellie but this is the kind of thing you have to let us know about." Derek leaned on his forearms to meet their eye level."We're your parents," Meredith reminded them, "It's our job to make sure you are okay and it's our job to worry.""We're gonna worry for the rest of your lives, even when you're adults," Derek shrugged, "But right now, you are the kids. We are the grown ups. And I get you're about to be a teenager and you're not too far behind- but, it's not your responsibility to be the parent," Derek nudged his head to his son."You always say I need to watch over my sisters," Bailey reminded him. He stared at his father with the same blue eyes he'd inherited, "You said it's my job to protect them-"Derek sighed. He didn't mean to place such a burden on his son at a young age. Not to the point where he was hiding secrets and keeping things. Bailey deserved to live a normal childhood, where the weight of the adult world problems didn't rest on his shoulders, "I know I do. I know I say that a lot but I'm still here and so is mom.""And while we're here, we will help you," Meredith added, "No matter what. So don't keep secrets like these from us. You'll get your chance to step in and help, but right now, we have to step in."Derek had been right. No one had said it would be easy. She knew it wouldn't be easy. She'd been fearful of making one wrong move and ruining every bit of their life. She didn't want them to carry burdens that weren't theirs. She didn't want them to believe that they couldn't come to her and ask for help the way she had been unable to all her life. She wanted them to trust her and to know that she had their backs no matter what.But this move to Boston had been terrorizing her thoughts. What if it only worsened things? What if they grew up resenting their parents for moving them? What if Ellis hid in that tree house indefinitely and never came down? What if things with Amelia never mended?The sound of a fork jabbing onto the plate shook her fears away. She turned to her daughter who had a questioning look on her face, "So are we gonna stop keeping it a secret that we're moving? We haven't told Ellis."Meredith and Derek glanced at each other. She was right. They had been keeping it a secret, and they couldn't any longer.Derek thought of Amelia for a moment. She knew there was a possibility of such a momentous decision and yet she'd been furious at him for taking that step.Would Ellis have the same reaction?"We'll worry about Ellis," Meredith brought him back from his looming thoughts, "We'll tell her soon.""Amy?" Derek called out to the figure walking in front of him, "Amelia?"No response.
Stop following me, Derek! I'm not a baby! Leave me alone!
I told Mom I'd walk you!
"Dr. Shepherd!"She stopped in her tracks and turned around, "Can I help you?""You can't avoid me forever," Derek shook his head as he approached her.Her fierce blue eyes radiated anger. Resentment. She wasn't willing to wave any flags and wasn't ready to put her weapons down any time soon. He'd seen that look when she was fifteen, rebelling against every rule in the book, and when they'd been at each other's throats over a job. When he'd been cruel and unfair.
But if you try to fight me over the leadership of this department, you will lose. My resume will kick your ass-
Oh my God, Derek! There is no limit to your narcissist-
I have been in this game longer than you at a much higher level.
Bite me.
"Do you need something, Dr. Shepherd? Regarding a patient?" Amelia hissed through her teeth. She wore her hair in a loose bun. A slight darkness around her eyes told him she'd gotten little to no sleep. She wasn't drunk, and wasn't high. He could read that by now. He'd been an expert at it. But she was at the start of a spiral and pushing everyone away.He wasn't going to let it get worse."Amy-""I will take that as a no," Amelia turned on her heel and stomped away.Derek sighed heavily and shook his head. If he ran after her, she'd only push him farther."I'm guessing this has to do with Maggie?" Richard's voice distracted him as he stood next to him."Oh it's a mix of things," Derek sighed as he greeted Richard, "You'll probably be pissed at me and Meredith soon, too.""Why? What did you two do this time?""I can't talk about it yet," Derek swallowed as he walked next to Richard down the hallway to the Board's conference room, "Hey, I have a question for you. What made you give Meredith my name as a recommendation to lead the residency program?"Richard blinked. That meeting with Meredith had been so long ago. It'd been weeks in when the board had realized a new director for the residency program would be needed after Richard had officially retired. A feat no one thought they'd even see. Nevertheless, he'd stay on the board, and come in when needed- if needed. But he'd been happy trotting around the world with his wife.Time he had finally learned he'd never get back."What makes you think I recommended you?" Richard raised a brow.Derek smirked, "It was Meredith's pitch for the job. It worked.""Meredith had mentioned that she wanted to turn this program into a second chance program," Richard shrugged, "I thought she'd lost it but as she explained it, it reminded me of something you told me years back.""What? What did I say?""'A good chief learns from his mistakes'", Richard nodded, "You've learned from yours, it's time you taught a new class just that."Derek pressed his lips into a tight grin, "Meredith said that when she asked me to take the position."Richard tilted his head and studied his features, "Are you thinking of stepping down? Is something going on? Is this about what we talked about the other day? You can tell me you know?""I know, I know, I uh," Derek swallowed the lump of truth that had formed in his throat, "I'm just worried about Jamara Blake's visit. I want everything to go smoothly and we still have some kinks to work out.""Well that's why we're here right?" Richard motioned to the door leading to the conference room.He opened the door and stepped in leaving Derek lost in his thoughts. He could hear Jackson talk about revenue or something of the sort."Has the ranking gone up?" Arizona chimed in through the image she was being projected from, "I mean I know we're not all about the ranking and what not but it'd help a lot-""I think what she's trying to say is," Callie interrupted, "Are we still in the pits?""No," Meredith shook her head, "Not in the pits but also rankings haven't been released, you know that and I don't expect us to suddenly jump back into the top ten or even twenty for that matter.""What about Jamara Blake?" Jackson asked from the end of the table, "How's that coming along, Derek?"Derek sat in his usual spot, rubbing his head as he listened to everyone's words. It seemed like eons ago when he was merely the head of neurosurgery and everyone in this room was either an attending or a resident. Never in his dreams did he imagine that two surgeons would have left for New York, one would be head of an entire foundation dedicated to medicine, another the chief of surgery, another a former chief of surgery, one the director of the residency program, and the other- a mentor to all- retired.Derek knocked on the table, "On paper? Everything's fine.""Uh, what's that supposed to mean?" Jackson furrowed his brow.Derek straightened his position, "Everyone is doing their part. The attendings are focused on teaching and we meet weekly to discuss the interns' progress. Dr. Grey restaffed all the surgeon vacancies we had, we have updated protocols to prevent everything she saw last time-""-Like the blood shortage," Meredith interrupted as she spun in her chair once. Avoiding eye contact with everyone."Exactly," Derek frowned, "Our attending our doing excellent teaching. On paper, we're great. We should be off probation.""I hear a 'but'," Richard added, "What is it?"Derek shook his head as he thought about the previous weeks. About the intern who was barely making ends meet. About the intern who was burning out taking care of her grandmother. Of the intern who hadn't taken care of himself and was overly competitive. The intern who was too involved. And the intern who just couldn't find his feet on the ground."We have interns who are living in their van," Derek eyed everyone, "Interns who are barely hanging on by a thread. We know what residency is like, we all went through it. Why do we make it hell for them when the real world's enough for them already?""That's how residency works, Shepherd," Richard scoffed, "It's how it's always been. You were running circles around New York with Addie and Sam and Nai and the rest of them with little to no sleep. It made you the surgeon you're now.""Is that really what we want our residents to get out of this? Is this what we want out of our second chance?" Derek asked. He turned to Meredith who scratched the back of her head.This was where personal relationships became a messy tangled web. She desperately wanted to side with her husband, but she needed to remain impartial. Objective. So listening to every detail was kind of a must.Meredith planted her feet firmly on the floor as she tried to resist the urge to twirl and disengage. Focus, she reprimanded herself, You need to focus. The kids are fine. Everything is fine!"Our job is to set them up for success," Derek continued, "To open a path for them so that when we step down, we know that the surgeons we've trained are more than equipped to be just as good if not better than we are."That was the legacy of this hospital. To produce surgeons that were at a higher level than most. To teach generations to approach their patients with empathy and care no matter how scalpel hungry they were. It was a tradition left by Richard Webber, and one Derek had planned on carrying forward."We can't expect that of them if we berate them and constantly put them down," Derek finished, "So, with that in mind, if we want to stand out, if we want to do better, we need to actually be better.""I don't know," Rchard tossed the folder of paperwork on the table, "I think it might be sugarcoating this profession. When I was director-""Richard, things have changed since then," Derek scoffed.Jackson's voice cut him off before he could continue to say anything else, "Okay, alright, enough. I hear you both. Mer, what do you think?"Meredith glanced between Richard and Derek. Be impartial. Be Objective. Be impartial. Be Objective."Derek's right, we have interns who need more support-"And to Richard's disappointment, she objectively agreed with the current director. She respected Webber and all his methods, but she'd also seen how time had caused things to change. She'd seen how the pandemic had hurt many and how grace was needed more than ever."Grey!" Richard and Bailey scoffed."-she's just saying they need more support-" Derek argued."They get meal stipends-""-they can barely afford their meals with that!""The hospital covers-"Meredith rubbed each side of her temples as the board members bickered with each other. She just couldn't deal with any bickering with the many thoughts running through her head.Ellis still didn't know about Boston. She was going to be angry at them and maybe even her siblings. Or maybe she'd be thrilled at the chance to start over and make new friends because right now no one wanted to be her friend and no one understood her big emotions. Her teacher promised to intervene. She'd promised them an update by today and maybe things would be better. And Zola and Bailey hiding things from her and Derek wasn't okay with her either. What kind of mother had she been to allow them to take on the role of parents. And speaking of disappointments, Amelia was still angry at her. She wasn't speaking to them and she'd been absent last week for dinner. Maggie's last family dinner. Maggie was leaving. Maggie was leaving for Chicago. Did she tell even Richard? She should've told him by now. Oh god, she needed to tell Richard. Not until they got the program out of the woods. They were leaving for Boston. And they needed to find a house-with a treehouse- and their Dreamhouse! What would be of their dreamhouse-?""It's our job to be tough on them," Richard yelled. Meredith shook away her thoughts and tried to tune back into the argument. What the hell were they arguing about this time?"Not if it's abuse!" Derek yelled back, "We need to be better than what was presented to us!"Crap. The residency program. Right."What are you trying to say Shepherd?""We created this board so that this hospital does better-""Okay, enough," Meredith exhaled, "A lot of us in my class made mistakes and none of us would be here if we weren't given second chances. I have a list of them and here I am sitting as chief.""I think we need a breather," Jackson exhaled as he looked down at his ringing phone, "Let's uh, come up with some ideas and we can revisit this later."Pleasantries were exchanged. People left the room, people hung up, until there were only three left."What the hell was that?" Richard stared at the couple, "Since when do you two think that your residencies were abuse?""Richard, that's not what I said" Derek tried."Really? What were you saying? Because it pretty much sounded like that to me!""It's not what he meant, Richard," Meredith sighed as she tried defending her husband- er Director of the Residency Program, "There's a difference between being tough on our residents and abusing them-"Which means their time needs to be respected. We can't expect them to be here all day and we can't overwork them. If they're starving and already burning out when their career has just started, it's on us," Derek explained.Richard blinked and glanced between the pair, "I didn't hear any of this when either of you were interns.""That was then, this is now" Derek exhaled before his phone went off with a page, "I gotta go, I have an aneurysm to clip."He stood and stopped just as he reached the door, "Richard, it's not personal. You were a great teacher- you still are- it's just-""I know," Richard nodded, "You go, we'll talk later."Derek squeezed his shoulder and closed the door behind him."Meredith, what's wrong?""I've got a lot on my mind, that's all," Meredith quietly answered. Richard was taken aback. Meredith Grey wasn't one to be so open or to even allow many to see her in any vulnerable state. She stood from her seat and paced around the room."It's Maggie, isn't it?" Richard commented knowingly, "I did the same thing to Maggie that I did to you last year.""You told her she was disloyal and just like Ellis?" Meredith raised a brow, she crossed her arms defensively as if she were bracing for the same words thrown at her."Something like that," Richard scoffed, "And just like then, I didn't mean it.""I know. You should tell her."Richard observed her for a moment. He'd also blamed the hospital's messes on her last year. He had thrown her mistakes at her and yelled that she wanted to destroy the program before she left. He'd regret it forever."Derek mentioned that I'd be upset with both of you soon," his calm demeanor worried her. Maybe Catherine had already broken the news. No, Derek would've asked for discretion just like she had asked Jackson for the same. Everything about their move would be on a need-to-know-basis and she made every effort to keep it that way.And Richard needed to know."We're moving our family to Boston," it was almost a whisper. A very quiet confession that she wasn't sure she was willing to share. Because when she tried to move, when she made decisions, the universe reminded her to screw herself, "Zola's anxiety stems from our problems here and she's been identified as extremely gifted. And there's a school out there that she loves. And enticing job offers for the both of us."A breath caught in her chest, "Everything is lining up for us and we have to do this for our kids."She watched for any reaction but she couldn't find anything but the moment where their relationship- whatever it was- nearly fractured into bits.
"There is no blood Meredith," Derek gritted as he followed her down the hall and into the attendings' lounge, "If I hadn't run in there you would've cut, taken all her organs out and by the time you would've excised the tumor and returned the organs, she would've bled out. You know it and I know it."
"Stop pretending this is about my patient! Stop pretending this is about trying to save the program because we both damn well know that a part of you resents me-"
"No, no," Derek seethed, "Do not pin your insecurities on me. Do not try to blame me for your inability to make a decision because I have been behind you every single damn step-"
"And just how far did that get you?" A voice cut between them. Richard turned to Derek angrily, "You had to be a cowboy and run in there, didn't you? In front of Jamarah Blake?"
Meredith sighed, "Richard-"
She'd had enough with arguing with Derek over moving and over transplant surgeons and the jealousy and the blame. She'd had enough with a nearly failed surgery that a fight with Richard was the last thing she needed.
"And you!" Richard turned to Meredith, "I expressly told you no!"
"You expressly told me you did not want to participate-"
"And as always it's about what Meredith Grey wants with no thought to the consequences it may have."
"The consequences being that she may have been dying-" Meredith argued.
Derek sighed heavily, "She didn't do the surgery Richard, she got out of there in time-"
"You two got what you wanted, didn't you? To ensure that this place goes up in flames alongside the residency program as you two walked out proudly."
"That is not-"
"Doesn't seem like it," Richard shouted back before turning back to Meredith, "Congratulations, Ellis Grey-."
"Richard, enough!" Derek shouted.
Meredith swallowed as she awaited his response."Congratulations," Richard smiled, "Catherine told me about the offer she made Derek, I was just waiting to hear if he'd accepted and where he'd accept it.""You're not gonna yell?" Meredith blinked.Richard chuckled lightly, "It didn't get me anywhere last time and it won't get me anywhere this time. Besides I know your little girl has been having such a terrible time and you-"He stopped himself for a moment as the truth of her words finally settled in.Meredith Grey was leaving Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital.Richard looked up at his former student, "I'm proud of you. You deserve to run off into the sunset with your family.""I don't know about a sunset," Meredith rolled her eyes before smiling gently, "But thank you."She watched as Richard stood from his seat and made his way to the door."Ellis Grey's daughters are leaving Seattle," he exhaled, "One for a flourishing career and the other for a chance to take care of the family she built. And for a flourishing career. If she could see the pair of you now."The door closed behind him leaving Meredith alone with her thoughts.Her life was anything but ordinary. She'd built a house a candles and went down swinging until she finally rendered herself to loving a man who loved her so deeply. She wanted the marriage, the kids, the life Ellis had denied.If Ellis could see her now, she'd be jealous. Because it was what she wanted with Richard. And what Richard was too much of a coward to have. And what Thatcher walked away from. And what Ellis shoved away leaving nothing but a personal life of bitterness and a thriving profession.Meredith exhaled and turned back to the Seattle skyline. There was no room for Ellis here. Not when she had so much in mind.Maggie was leaving for Chicago.Richard was fine.Bailey was fine and was willing to move for his sister.Zola loved the school in Boston.All that was left was to settle things with Amelia. With Lucas. And tell Ellis. They needed to find a house in Boston. Get the program cleared. And find a new home.Things were…falling into place.Ellis poked at her bowl of cereal as she processed her parents' words."So," she blinked a few times before looking up at them, "We're moving?"It took two whole days for the parents to muster the courage to confess the truth. Boston was happening. They were leaving the nest. They were moving. Off to new horizons. Off to a great adventure.Straight into the unknown."Yes," Both parents answered in tandem."When?" Ellis' green eyes seemed to darken a bit as she pried for more answers."Uh," Meredith braved as she watched her daughter on the opposite side of the breakfast bar, "We think it'd be better if we waited out the rest of the school year, I mean, you don't have too much time left before summer begins-""Okay," Ellis shrugged as she stuffed a spoonful of Cheerios in her mouth, "Can I have a banana before we go?"Meredith glanced at her husband. His brow was furrowed as a system rebooted within him. He expected tears and heartbreak. He was prepared to console her and promise her endless treasures until she partially came around to the idea- if she came around to the idea.Ellis' eyebrow lifted slightly before she widened her eyes and dropped her spoon with a clink to the bowl."Wait," she blinked.Both parents quickly glanced at each other before turning to her."My treehouse!" she exclaimed in sudden realization. She turned to her father with devastation painted on her face, "You just finished my treehouse! What about my treehouse?"Derek sighed heavily before leaning on his elbows and reaching closer to her. His heart clenched at the way her face had fallen. One minute she was all in, ready to dive deep into the unknown, the next she was faced with the realization that everything was changing. And like her mother, change was not something Ellis was overly fond of."We can't take your treehouse," Derek whispered, "You know that-""But you just finished my treehouse," Ellis shook her head, "I don't- it's not fair, Daddy you just finished it."There was no malice in her small voice. No tantrum-like tone. Just plain honesty and sadness coming from their child."I know, baby," Derek whispered, "I'm sorry."Ellis sighed and pushed her nearly finished bowl away, "I don't want the banana anymore. I'm not hungry.""Ellis," Meredith called out to her youngest to no avail. She had already run off to gather the rest of her things."She's gonna be pissed for a while," Derek shook his head as he took the bowl, "And she'll hide up there for days and then eventually she'll talk to us.""Are you saying that because she's your baby girl and you know her best?""I'm hopeful I'm an expert enough in all things about you that I know just as much about her," Derek raised his brow before leaning against the counter and crossing his arms," Which reminds me, I have to run something by you.""What?" Meredith reached for the bowl Ellis left behind and placed it in the sink. Ellis must've been devastated in her room. She must've been trying to plot her way to hide in the treehouse before they left for the day and who knew maybe she'd even try to move in there. Anything was possible with that little one."The trailer," Derek sighed, "I need to get rid of it before we leave.""What?" Meredith's head snapped up. Why hadn't she thought of the trailer? She'd thought of the dreamhouse and Maggie and Amelia and the kids. Of Richard and oh what about the sister house? Her mother's house? What about-?"I can't take it to Boston, it's a lot," he explained, "I thought about offering it to Lucas just in case he wants to get away from Amelia for a while but then I thought about- Meredith?"She wasn't looking at him anymore. Her gaze was focused on somewhere far away he couldn't reach.The trailer. The Dreamhouse. The Sister House. The treehouse. They were picking up roots and leaving.
You have family here, roots.
"Meredith, what are you thinking?""It's just," she snapped her head back at him with rapid blinks, "That trailer has so much history with you and me and us and-I-I-I just can't picture- I mean I knew it might happen but, now it's happening. It's really happening."Derek sensed her panic and stepped forward gently, "I don't have to-""No, no, you're right, and it's yours," she put both arms up to keep him at a distance. She needed the distance, "I can't- I- if you think it's time to sell it or pass it on then, you should do that.""Meredith-""No, no," Meredith shook her head as she reached for her keys. She gripped them tightly, "Can we stop talking about this now? I have a long day and we gotta go."
In the list of kisses she'd ever shared, every single one paled in comparison to kissing Derek Shepherd.
All she wanted was to know if he had a house. His grandparents' names. Where he grew up. His favorite flavor of ice cream. Where he spent his summer vacations.
And now, she was in his trailer. In his bed. Naked. Pinned under him as he kissed her. And she didn't give one ounce of a damn because it was exactly where she wanted to be. He moaned as he released her swollen lips and pressed soundly kisses on her neck. She sighed as she stared up at the skylight.
She could stay here forever. His hand in hers, his lips on hers. His soft skin caressing her own. She could just be here…forever. The way he made her feel was intoxicating. She'd felt seen, heard. Like she was on a pedestal and he was at her beck and call. Like…like…
Crap, she thought, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.
He was her attending. She was the intern. And this? This feeling of forever? She couldn't feel it. She just couldn't.
Because if she did, it meant she was in love. And if she was in love, she was risking losing that love.
And that she just couldn't bear.
Meredith swallowed as she let his lips continue their path throughout her bare chest. Her hands tangled in his dark curls.
Screw it. If this was falling in love, she would fall as deep as the well was with no way out.
"I have a trailer.""Um," Dr. Yasuda blinked at the man leaning over the counter, "Congratulations?""It's empty. It's in good condition, granted it's in Bainbridge so-""Oh," Yasuda exhaled, "Dr. Shepherd. That's very kind of you and I appreciate it but I can't.""Yasuda, I'm offering you-""I know," she shrugged, "And I'm assuming this trailer is on your property?"Well, yes but-""Dr. Shepherd, I don't think it'd be the best idea but, I appreciate you thinking of me. And for trying to help.""You've been living in your van," Derek emphasized, "You are an intern and it's-"Exactly, I'm an intern-""If this is about rent, you don't have to-""Again, I appreciate your help," Yasuda whispered, "I do, I promise. But, it's kinda weird and I'm not a charity case-""This isn't charity-""I know," Yasuda nodded, "I was just raised. I'm the oldest sibling out of too many and I earn what I get, Dr. Shepherd. I don't need a handout."Derek nodded. Sometimes good intentions weren't always received as expected. And over the months, he'd come to respect this intern. She knew how to stand her ground. She knew how to say no and how to help wherever she was needed. She was a little snarky, a little unfiltered, but she was good. And she'd be great. He could feel it."Okay, I get it," he smiled, "The offer stands if you change your mind.""Thanks."Derek hadn't noticed that Lucas had been standing next to him typing into his tablet. As he turned, he briefly made eye contact and sighed, "Can we talk later? I have some things-""Uh, I'm on Dr. Grey's service today," Lucas answered.""Find me as soon as you have time," Derek tapped on the counter before pushing himself off,, "Before the day ends"Lucas nodded as he returned to his work. It'd been days since he'd overheard him and his aunt yell at each other from outside his office. He didn't intend on eavesdropping, but he had a message to deliver and the yelling from the familiar voices had caught his attention.Uncle Derek had been a god to him in many ways. He was always the uncle who paid most attention to him. The one to tell him corny jokes, let him in on stupid family trivia, and take him to all the baseball games whenever summer rolled around. But all that had come to a halt when he'd disappeared.It'd be years later that they would somewhat reconnect, but by then, Lucas had already gotten in enough trouble that he was the family disappointment. Especially on the Shepherd side."If the Shepherds were my uncles or aunts I would not be ignoring them," a voice disrupted his thoughts.Lucas' head snapped up, "You turned down his offer."Yasuda blinked rapidly, "What? I don't know what your talking about-""You know, this could've been your way in," Lucas teased, "You're not gonna get it again. I didn't even get the trailer offered-""I'm not a nepo kid and I'm not about to, nepo kid," Yasuda gritted."Ouch," Lucas replied as he leaned on the counter. He leaned on his left elbow and rubbed his thumb on his index finger, "Being a Shepherd's not as easy as you think.""Wait," Yasuda tilted her head in confusion, "You didn't get the trailer offered? Wow, you must've done something so bad for that or you might've been staying in the big Shepherd home with the many rooms and huge yard. They have one right? I'm guessing it has a hell of a view and is worth a couple million.""I don't stay there. Not anymore," Lucas swallowed, "And it's the Grey-Shepherd home. Not just Shepherd.""Like I said, nepo kid," Yasuda sighed, "But, they're nice people. And Shepherd's a good director."Her phone went off with a page and she ran off. Meredith stepped into the nurses station and grabbed a tablet. She had time for one consult. Time to practice medicine very briefly before she was dragged into another meeting.Who was on her service today? Right, Adams. She looked up at the intern and noticed his gaze was set on something else- someone else. She followed it and landed on the young intern who had so far shown the most promise. Simone Griffith. She liked her. She was smart and quick on her feet. She also had a family history that she painfully carried with her. She'd hoped to be a mentor of sorts to her, a person she could trust.Meredith looked up at the intern in front of her and chuckled, "You are just like Derek.""Sorry?""Hopeful romantic. Or hopeless romantic whichever it is," Meredith answered as she nudged towards Griffith. It was no secret to anyone he was hopelessly smitten with Simone, "You even lean like him too.""I do?""He does this look and his eyes get all sparkly. And he leans on his elbow and rubs his fingers together, just like you're doing" Meredith chuckled as she pointed to his stance, "Must be a Shepherd thing.""Can we not say that?""What? Shepherd thing? Oh, Shep, C'mon-""You're calling me that now?"Meredith raised her brow, "Sorry. I'm around you guys all the time that Amy and Shep just stick but I've already been banned from saying Amy so-""Oh, no, Aunt Mer," he winced at his misstep, "It's just I get compared to them alot. Especially my uncle. Sometimes it's a lot.""Shepherds are a lot." Meredith smirked, "And your Uncle and Aunt are particularly a lot so I get it. Don't tell them I said that.""Yeah," Lucas pressed his lips into a tight grin. He'd been pleasantly surprised at the way Meredith had treated him despite the small amount of information she had of him. He was a Shepherd and his transcripts indicated that he needed support. A lot of it. She'd promised anonymity- as long as he was careful about it. And she'd convinced Derek to open himself up to the idea that his nephew was in Seattle after the massive screw up during his first day of internship. Lucas could still remember walking into the Grey-Shepherd home and seeing his aunt in his uncle's shirt. Her hair in a loose bun and a necklace made by a kid hanging on her neck. He'd never met this side of her. The warm mother of three was quite a contrast to the well put together chief of surgery."The last time I was on your service," Lucas stood straight, unwilling to disappoint her, "you kicked me off the field. You sure you want me on your service?""Today's a new day," Meredith smiled as she stood, "Tell me what we got."Lucas walked over to the bed, knowing his attending followed. This was his chance. A chance to impress the chief and to leave a mark. Not on a Shepherd, not on Derek, not on Amelia.An impression on his chief who believed in him and who carried a healthy amount of expectations of him."Seth Knight, presenting with abdominal pain, he says he's feeling no nausea, we ran labs, per Dr. Hunt's request, and they were clear, Lucas presented."Hello, I'm Dr. Grey," Meredith presented herself as she slid on her gloves, "I'm just gonna run a physical exam-""Listen," the patient moaned in pain, "I came here because this hospital is supposed to the best. So please, you gotta help me.""We are the best," Meredith raised a brow before turning to her intern, "What are you thinking Adams?He winced at the sound of his name, "Um it could be a positive McBurney sign.""Which could be caused by?""Appendicitis or diverticulitis-"Seth groaned again as he tried to sit up, "Look, can we do the teaching thing later? It feels like someone's dicing my intestines.""Okay, we're gonna help you," Meredith turned to her intern, "We need scans and tests. Here's what I want, open up the page."Lucas clicked on the orders page and pressed on each lab order. She detailed each blood test; blood count, metabolic panel, lipid panel, thyroid panel, and so on. CTs and things to watch for. She was specific and took her time to explain it all in detail. A stark contrast to the last time he'd been on her service. This time she broke everything down. Step by step. And it stuck."Got it," Lucas nodded, "Anything else?""Yes," Meredith looked around until she found her target, "Griffith!""Yes, Dr. Grey?""You're on this with Adams, make sure he gets a full work up," Meredith ordered. She could feel the cold stare of her nephew on her as she gave out orders, "Don't let him screw it up.""Wait, what?" the patient asked."Go with it, Seth," Meredith winked, "You're in good hands with these two, I promise.""What are you doing?" Lucas gritted through his teeth, "This isn't-""Uh, what was it that you asked of me when you were accepted here? Keep the nephew thing out?" Meredith flashed the tip of her tongue quickly, "Page me as soon as the scans are done!"Meredith smirked as she stepped away."You paged?" Derek asked as he entered the scan room, "I'm not on call today, I have to prep for another board meeting.""I know, I'm sorry," Owen shook his head, "We tried paging Amelia earlier and she has yet to get here, we needed someone asap and you're here so-""Is that a bullet lodged into his spine?""Yeah, we sent his labs for lead levels. The shooting was eleven years ago," Owen shook his head, "You and I have scrubbed in too many of these-""Yeah. And I had one in me and so have you," Derek shook his head, "Okay what's the plan?"Winston stepped forward and pointed to a scan, "Assuming you can remove the bullet in the spine, irrigate, close, and flip the-""I'm here," Amelia announced as she walked in, "What is he doing here? I'm the chief of neuro and I'm the surgeon on call."Derek sighed. A part of him wanted to answer back. Tell her it wasn't his fault that these two world class surgeons had already paged her and she was absent. It wasn't his fault they trusted him instead.But, he also was keenly aware she looked worse for wear. Tired, exhausted. Not drunk. Not high. And his gut instinct told him she wasn't there. She was still in a spiral and he couldn't do much.Owen exhaled loudly, "We don't have time for any of this Amelia we tried calling you-"The door opened once more, "Sorry, I got here as soon as I could my van-""What do you mean van?" Derek asked Yasuda, "Did you-?""I went looking for Dr. Shepherdess- er Shepherd. I went looking for Dr. Shepherd.""Okay, well she's here now," Derek sighed as he gave one final glance to his sister. His superior, "And she's right, she's the head of neuro and on call so I'll head out."Owen could sense something was off. He'd known the pair long enough.Amelia didn't bother to look back. Instead she focused on the monitors on the screen, "Are we doing this now or are we waiting for our patient to suffer more?""The scans are clear," Meredith sighed, "There is nothing that is showing us what the hell is causing the pain. No evidence of colitis, no ruptures-""No hospital has been able to find anything," Simone shrugged, "He's had multiple visits to in the last three weeks with prescriptions for controlled meds"It doesn't make any sense," Lucas shook his head, "There's no stranding, the appendix looks normal. We gotta be missing something, right?""Could he be looking for drugs? I mean he's visited almost every hospital in the area and almost every time he gets some sort of medication."Meredith shook her head, "I doubt it. Did you see anything in the labs-""No," Simone shook her head, "But his scans are clean and the other hospitals didn't find anything.""Chilaiditi syndrome?" Lucas offered.Meredith shook her head, "You would've seen it in the scans."Meredith clicked again and again. Nothing. She couldn't find a pattern in the recent images."Dammit," she groaned, "It sounds gross but I was hoping I'd be in the OR today."Simone laughed, "Should I discharge him chief?"Meredith clicked and clicked. An idea struck her, "Adams, should we discharge?""W-what?" his head quickly turned to her. One minute she was giving orders about what to do, the next she was asking for an opinion."Griffith wants to discharge, I'm sure she's got the papers ready," Meredith turned to him, "What do you think, he's your patient. Should we discharge him?"He'd lost patients before. He'd seen patients decline medical advice and try to persuade them otherwise and failed. He'd had successful outcomes and he'd seen surgeons celebrate victories he could only dream of. He'd learned a lot here and the lesson was nearly the same."No, I think we should take another look. Compare his previous scans from the other hospitals to these," Lucas shook his head, "I don't know, chief, something tells me we're missing something."Instinct. Gut feelings. Fight for the patient. Your instinct will nearly always be right.Meredith turned to him, "Is this a gut feeling?""I think so," Lucas nodded, "Yes! Yes. I want to uh, take another look.""Griffith?" Meredith turned to the second intern."Uh, sure," she shrugged, "Although he is testing positive for opiates."Meredith swallowed a lump in her throat. Her own gut instinct also told her something else was happening. This wasn't a simple case where she could shrug off a patient. Webber taught her that and it was why the Seattle Five had purchased the hospital. To do better."Okay, well, thanks for that," Meredith stood up, "Take a second look. Analyze each scan. Page me when you find something."The board meeting had been canceled.Thank God, Derek thought as he put his phone back into his pocket. There was some excuse over an overlap with meetings and surgeries and who knows what else. He could care less. He still didn't have a solution to their problems. All he had were needs. Needs he couldn't fill in because his own mind was filled with thoughts about moving. And children being upset with him. And wives having an anxiety induced breakdown. And nephews hating him. And sisters-"I didn't drop it in him-" Yasuda tried to explain before she was once again cut off."Are you seriously trying to defend yourself?" Amelia shrieked, "What is wrong with you?""Dr. Shepherd-" Yasuda twisted the light blue scrub cap in her hands."No, I am asking, I'm seriously asking, what the hell is wrong with you?""Dr. Shepherd!" Derek called out as he stepped closer to the two rising voices. He had just assured the board that things between the attendings were better. He had fought with Richard over treatment of the residents."What?" Amelia's nostrils flared with anger. Her blue eyes darkened as she kept her eyes at the figure walking towards her."Yasuda, find Dr. Hunt, you're on his service for the rest of the week," Derek ordered as the young intern nodded and ran off.Derek pulled Amelia into a storage room as she practically kicked and screamed.
You're not my Dad! Stop it!
What the hell are you doing drinking this?
Derek closed the door behind him as he tried to shut out the ghosts of their past, "What the hell is wrong with you?"Amelia scoffed, "What the hell is wrong with you? I'm trying to teach my intern, because apparently they can't focus! Aren't you the Director of this damn program? Aren't you supposed to make sure crap like this doesn't happen? That they don't screw up?""That was not-""She screwed up!""Well so have you!"Amelia breathed heavily, "Oh please don't try to come at me as if you're this high and mighty guy that has it all figured out! The wife, the kids, the perfect family. You're almost up to par with our sisters, that's what you're looking for, huh?""Amelia, you have no idea what you're talking about-""You think you're whole. You think you're healed. You think you have it all figured out, that you leaving will fix it and make it all better but it won't.""Are you high?" Derek placed both of his hands over his hips. He carefully tried to read her. The walls in the room seemed to push into them, tightening the tension as it slowly stretched out waiting for a rubber band to burst.He didn't want to snap. He didn't want to revert to the angry teenager, the angry brother who promised and failed and promised and failed.Amelia stood dumbstruck at his accusation, "What?""Are you high?" Derek asked again. He wasn't sure whether or not he wanted an answer but needed one, "Are you drunk?"Amelia snickered, "I am not high and I am not drunk."He believed her."Then what the hell is going on?" He angrily asked."What's going on?" Amelia asked bitterly. She was going to answer honestly. Brutally. She would make sure he knew exactly what was going one, "What's going on is that the handful of people that actually care- or appeared to care about me- are leaving me here in Seattle-""No one is leaving you-""-while they go off to Chicago and Boston and the other person who supposedly-""Amelia-""-cared is in Los Angeles and when she's not there she's somewhere in the country being a goddamned superhero. I am alone. I will be alone. I am always going to be alone and no one cares about that and that is your fault-""Grow up, Amelia!" Derek snapped, "None of this is my fault! I did nothing wrong. This is not my fault!"Typical of you to treat me like a kid and condescend me! You always want to fix everything because it makes you feel superior and the damn savior-"Complex savior. Failure. All of it came flooding back. And he was unwilling to let the damn burst any more."Amelia, Maggie isn't leaving you! Maggie has been given an opportunity that she has earned through her hard work. Meredith and I have made a choice-""Of course you'd take their side, you've been doing that for years," Amelia mumbled, "You take everyone's side, but mine!""I get it you're pissed at me," he gritted through his teeth, "You're pissed at Maggie, you're pissed at Meredith, and you're pissed at Kai. I get that you feel your feelings more than most of us and I get that you feel alone. I get it but it's not my fault!""You get nothing!""Except I do," he yelled, "Because I've been there and I've seen it- I've lived it and you seem to forget that! You're doing the same thing you did when you first spiraled as that fifteen year old and I'm sure it was the same damn thing when you spiraled in LA-""You have no right-""You did it after Meredith's attack-""Don't bring that up!""Get to a freaking meeting!" Derek yelled before he stepped back, "Get to a meeting and get yourself together. We all got crap going on and all you're doing is trying to find someone else to blame it on but the way you're feeling is not my fault. So stop running and get to a damn meeting or talk to your sponsor.""Oh please, you're one to talk. You're running from your crap!""I am not running!" He shouted, "I made a choice for my kids. I made a choice with my wife and you have no right to be angry at me about it!""You. Are. Running!" Amelia spewed, "You think that picking up your kids and your wife and taking them all the way to Timbuktu will fix everything! It won't fix you, Derek! Because deep down, you are still the same arrogant, selfish, narcissist who thinks he's better than everyone."Arrogant. Selfish. Narcissist. Savior Complex.This anger came from years and years of pain and anger. She was looking for something- someone to blame- for the pain.And he was just about done with it."Stay away from my kids, Amelia. Until you get to a meeting, until you get yourself together, you stay away from my kids," Derek darkly replied, "You can stay pissed and spiral out and end up in rehab again or you can get yourself together and go to a meeting and until you do, you stay away from my family, do hear me?"Her face softened at the mention of his children.
"Oh my god, I've practically helped you raise your kids," Amelia sighed, "I'm an expert at all things Little Grey Shepherds."
The parents raised their brows at her.
"Sorry, that's your nickname…that you gave them and call them," Amelia muttered, "I uh, I got a little-"
"It's okay," Meredith smiled, "They are The Little Grey-Shepherds."
"And you have helped raise them," Derek added, "You know you're more than just their aunt. You and Maggie both are."
He noticed the drop in shields. The way he struck a nerve with the threat of never seeing an extension of him."I love you and you are my sister and I made a promise to take care of you," he quietly added, "And I'm not going to stand here and watch you tear yourself down again. I can't."The tally marks marking each of his failures was far too high. It'd be too much to add one more mark.Amelia's hands hurt from her nails pressing onto the skin of her palms. She was trying everything not to break down.Amelia versus Derek. Shepherd versus Shepherd. They'd long buried these fights. They'd long put their swords away and had decided to make peace with each other. To hold space for their collective trauma and move forward."I'm not drunk. I'm not high," Her voice croaked shakily as she refused to look at him, "I'm tired and sleepless. But I am sober."Derek hesitated before closing the door behind him. He couldn't turn around to fix it. Not now. Not like this.How did they end up here again?Derek shut the door right behind him as he stomped down the hallway. He couldn't stay in that supply closet any longer. Not as long as he and Amelia were at each other's throats. He opened the door to the stairwell and stopped in his tracks."Mika?"She wiped her eyes as she pushed herself off the wall, "Dr. Shepherd-""Listen, what Amelia said-""Was unfair and quite cruel," Yasuda hissed, "I get she's my attending and I accept any and every consequence when I make a mistake-""I know that-""I don't have the family pedigree some other interns here have," she continued angrily. Derek was taken aback by her implication, "I know I'm risking my place here but this program is failing me. I am barely scraping by and I'm working night shifts at Joes to keep gas in my van. I shouldn't be doing that on top of the many hours I have to be here to learn my profession.""You're right," he nodded, "And offering a trailer isn't enough-""It's not," she shook her head, "I'm devoted to this job. But I'm an intern. And I take this seriously. I want to learn, but not at the expense of my dignity and this program promised differently.""I know! I'm sorry," he tried, "Listen, we're trying, we are. What happened out there was unfair and it will not happen again."Yasuda sniffed, "I have a patient-""Go-" home he wanted to say. He exhaled, "Take the rest of the day. You need to- just take the day, I'll cover your patients."She stared at him for a moment before running up the stairs.As he heard the stairwell door close, Derek hung his head. If it wasn't a surgery, it was a program, it was kids, it was his sister, it was his wife.When would he finally get it right?"Your nephew is on my service today, and I have him working with Griffith. I think they might end up going home together by the end of the day," Meredith smirked as she approached her husband leaning over the catwalk, "Oh, and I did what you asked me to do. I think he's doing better. I broke it all down, went over it twice, and this case does afford some extra time so, it's good."He nodded without turning towards her. His blue eyes staring far away somewhere in the view of the greenery ahead of them."What's wrong with you?" Meredith asked, "You seem frustrated.""That's because I am frustrated," he grumbled."Amelia," Meredith sighed knowingly, "I heard some nurses talk about it in the elevator""She kicked Yasuda out of the OR apparently and when she tried to explain herself, Amelia yelled at her," he shook his head, "She's always been tough on residents but never like this. She's pissed at me and she's taking it out on those kids.""It's not fair for the interns," he shook his head, "I tried talking to Yasuda and she said that we are failing our interns and we haven't learned from our mistakes.""Wait, what? Why?""She's moonlighting at Joe's," he sighed, "She's barely making ends meet and she has student loans to pay, and she's living in her van."This was why he wasn't completely happy at that board meeting. It's why he had brought up additional support for the interns. Because he knew his students better than most."Amelia yelling at her isn't helping-""Amelia's reaction is not on you. She's angry and she's mad and she's taking it out on them. And we're gonna do something about the interns, we will," Meredith wrapped her hand around the railing as she stepped closer, the opposite hand rubbed his back gently as she observed the lack of reaction, "Derek, what's wrong?"She could see his jaw clench and his hands turn into fists. The stress overwhelmed him and nearly took over every physical aspect of his body. But here, he couldn't use sex to mask it. He couldn't throw a punch or run away. He could go silent, not that she would let him."Derek?""What if I haven't learned from my mistakes?" he shook his head, "What if this really is me running? What if I'm just finding an excuse to run away-""You are not running away," Meredith insisted, "It's not you being overly ambitious and it's not me trying to chase any ghosts. We made a choice for our children and it's not your fault Amelia can't accept that.""She won't accept it," he turned to her, "She says this is me not caring about her and abandoning her.""You are not," Meredith put one hand on her hip, "You know that-""I told her to stay away from the kids," He turned to her and studied her face, "I was angry at what she said and I know she's spiraling but I let it get to me and it was in the heat of the moment so I told her she couldn't see them until-""Derek," Meredith chided with wide eyes."I know, I know-""That's not going to solve anything!" Meredith reprimanded, "It'll just make a bigger wedge between the two of you and that's the last thing you need!""I told her to get to a meeting first before she saw them," he turned to her, "Happy?"Meredith shook her head as he turned back to his hands. Derek gently pressed his fingertips together over and over, inhaling and exhaling as he replayed the fight in his head over and over again. It was like they were petty teenagers fighting again."I mean that's better than just banning her but," Meredith sighed, "Derek, the farther you push each other, the worse it gets. It happened when she married Owen, you were against it, and she told you to go to hell.""Well apparently I'm 'the same arrogant, selfish, narcissist who thinks he's better than everyone' so I think we're at the worst again," he shrugged.They were both known for their temper. Their bitter words and cruel swipes at one another. They'd had years of practice. Years to master what and how to say things.He shrugged, "Maybe I am.""You aren't that and you know it- I know it!" Meredith sighed, "You and Amelia are cruel when you're angry and you say things that you don't mean just to hurt the other person. What makes it worse between the two of you is that you know each other."He said nothing, instead he rubbed his hands together in silence."You need to talk to her. She is your sister and she is hurting and you are hurting and you will hurt more if you leave without speaking to her.""Yeah," he whispered.Meredith exhaled as she leaned against the rails with both her elbows, her back faced the view Derek had been facing. For a moment, she stared at the many people entering and exiting the hospital. The medics walking around, nurses running, patients waiting."It may not be the time to tell you this but you got me thinking about the interns, what you said in the meeting" Meredith exhaled, "What if we asked the foundation for additional funds?"He shook his head, "We'd need to have a plan on how to distribute it otherwise they'll think we'll just spend it on insignificant things since we asked for an increase when we rebooted it. We also need to make sure we know how to determine who needs those funds.""So then we make one," Meredith straightened as an idea struck her, "Wait. We can disperse funds as a-"A grant," he mumbled as the same idea struck him. Why hadn't he thought of it sooner?"That would work," she agreed, "Come up with a criteria on who gets it but that'll need their approval which will take time-""Not if we use the funds we already have. We have enough money in the program's budget that we can set up a grant, right?" he turned to her, "I just turned in the budget report, we should have enough-""It'd be enough for one intern for this year, but I can make it happen," Meredith nodded."If I come up with a criteria-""Present it to the hospital board for approval, it's got my vote and you can guarantee Bailey and Richard-""I'll get on it now," he pushed himself off the rail and ran off. He turned around quickly, "Hey! Did you say you have Adams on a case?""You're packing already? I thought they didn't need you until a few weeks?"Maggie turned to her from the cabinet, "I-they want me there soon. I've been trying to find you to tell you in person because- they want me there by the end of the week.""Oh," Meredith swallowed."So I'm uh, wrapping up my cases. Handing them off and I'll be on the committee for a new head of cardio via zoom or whatever you need," Maggie quietly added, "I know. It's fast. I didn't expect it either."She hadn't but Meredith blinked away the tears that threatened to form, "No, uh, it's fine. I get it."It was happening. It was all really happening and nothing was stopping it."What about you?" Maggie turned to place her sweater in her tote, "When do you leave?""Soon. As soon as the kids are off school and the program's cleared," Meredith shoved her hands in her scrubs' pockets, "At least we hope it will. Derek's got a few ideas he's working out and I still have chief stuff."A beat of silence."Did he talk to Amelia?""Oh, I think he made things worse," Meredith sighed, "You?""No," Maggie shrugged, "I tried but she locked herself in her lab.""I'm uh, gonna let you finish packing, I uh, gotta find Griffith and Adams-""Mer!"Meredith turned from the door."I'm gonna miss you, you know," Maggie smiled, "Besides we uh, we should celebrate all that's happening soon.""Yeah," Meredith thought about the first night they'd drank together, "We should."She shut the door behind her and walked down the hallway."Woah, you look like crap," Alex's voice called out."Shut up, you look worse," she smirked."What's wrong?""Nothing. Nothing's wrong," she rolled her eyes."It's the Maggie thing isn't it?""Why does everyone say that?" Meredith rolled her eyes as they continued their path down the hallway, "I have more than that going on.""Spill.""I've been trying to leave this damn place for years. Everytime I try, something happens that stops me.""Or you're just too attached," Alex shrugged."Alex" she chided, "I thought Maggie was gonna freak out because we were leaving- she freaked out last year- turns out she's leaving. And then I thought my kids were gonna be pissed, turns out Bailey is fine with it-""What about the munchkin? She's always a toss," Alex asked."Oh her only concern is the treehouse her daddy just built her which he will build again wherever the hell we move," Meredith rambled, "No shoe is dropping. I'm waiting for it to drop because…it always does. Car crashes, comas, fights over jealousy, something always happens and nothing is happening.""Is it really hard for you to accept that something good is happening? That maybe this is what should happen and it's finally time?"Meredith stared at him. Nothing had been in their way so far. There were no signs that this decision was wrong.So then why did she still have the feeling that this was all wrong?Her phone rang, "Adams. I gotta go.""You should stop by the house soon to play with Bailey," his uncle's voice startled him."Crap," Lucas blinked as he stopped kicking the soccer ball, "I was gonna go find you earlier. It's just that Dr. Grey has me on this and I'm-""It's fine," Derek shook his head, "Is this you focusing on said case?""Keeps my head clear," Lucas reached for the soccer ball and turned to the scan, "I uh, used all the scans he had at each hospital and put them all together. Like a movie. We were looking at tiny parts of a moment but if we look at the whole thing-""You look at the bigger picture," Derek nodded approvingly, "This must've taken you a while.""Yeah, but it was worth it. Simone's getting Dr. Grey now," Lucas nodded, "Hey, you needed me for something right?""Yeah," Derek sighed, "You were on Ndugu's service last week.""Oh, he told you," Lucas swallowed."Yeah, you did," Derek sighed, "You were distracted during the consult, you didn't have a surgical plan when he asked for one, when they tasked you with discharge papers-""I know, I know. I screwed up again," he threw the ball angrily at the wall. It narrowly missed the monitors."Why am I here? I keep screwing up," he raised his arms and dropped them, "I-I thought I was here on my own merit only to discover that you'd been put in charge of the program, you know what, you might as well just cut me, you're leaving anyway!""Don't be stupid, I'm not going to cut you out of the program," Derek scoffed as he motioned to a chair.Lucas watched him apprehensively. He couldn't tell which side of this person he was getting.Derek kicked the ball towards him and sat across the chair he'd previously motioned too."And you need to shut up about me leaving because that's not public knowledge yet," Derek sighed as he sat back."Well then maybe you should watch what you yell in your office," Lucas muttered. The soccer ball rolled under his foot before he turned to look at the attending, "Did you need something?""Look," Derek sighed, "My job as director is to keep tabs on all of you. Your abilities, your capabilities. Your strengths, your weaknesses.""You care," he continued, "Deeply. You take things to heart. And when you dive deep in a case, it has your complete attention with nearly no distractions. You are fixated on it until you solve it.""But?""You get distracted. Easily. You have poor disorganization skills, lack attention to details-""Yeah, okay, I get it-" Lucas rubbed his temple."I'm not done," Derek interrupted sternly- as if he were talking to one of his own kids, "Hyperfocus is also commonly found-"Lucas thought back to the last case he'd worked on with him. Even then he'd been reprimanded over time."Daniel," he realized, "I spent hours reading his case-""Exactly. And you did the same here. Dr. Grey also broke down everything for you, right? She had you make a list. She broke down her orders for you today and she gave you time with specific instructions," Derek nodded, "I uh, I think you should look into getting tested for ADHD."Lucas stared at him, "Okay, now you're just trying to pick things-""Lucas-" Derek sighed as he closed his eyes. He expected a fight from him, it'd be normal."You're trying to-""Shep! I'm not trying to pick a fight. It's an observation. It's my job, remember? As director?" Derek explained, "If you read articles on it, you'll find that a lot of the things I just mentioned will be on there. I may be wrong but it's not a bad idea to look into it.""My mother is a shrink. We're a family of doctors, shouldn't one of you have-""Noticed? Yeah, listen I get your relationship with Kate is complicated to say the least- God knows mine is- but being a parent is hard," he sighed, "It's hard being objective and looking at things differently especially when you see it everyday at work.""We didn't know Zola had anxiety until she had a full panic attack right in front of me," he swallowed, "Her mom had flown to Minnesota for a trial, I'd stayed here and we were at one of Bailey's games. Mer called and said she'd be missing her flight and Zo overheard. She panicked," he shrugged, "She was terrified that the plane would crash the way it-""Aw man," Lucas exhaled."Yeah. I should've seen the signs. She's had a lot of trauma and now we're here. We didn't see it coming," Derek pressed his lips together, "I'm not diagnosing you, I'm just suggesting you get it checked out."Derek stood from the chair and made his way to the door before Lucas asked a question he hoped it wouldn't, "What if that's not it? What if you're wrong?"Derek stared ahead as he thought carefully about his answer. He turned slowly to face his intern, "We'll cross that bridge when we get there. In the meantime, just think about it."The door burst open suddenly with another intern entering, "Oh, sorry Dr. Shepherd-""Oh, Griffith I was just on my way out," Derek grinned as he stepped out with Lucas' words ringing in his ears.If he was wrong- which he could be- he'd have to find another reason as to why Lucas still struggled. And he needed to help him get it together fast so that more strings wouldn't be left untied.Meredith had been surprised. Lucas' findings had saved their patient's life with just one endoscopy. She'd let him use the forceps to retrieve the foreign object out."Nicely done, Dr. Adams," Meredith praised as she scrubbed out, "Great save. If that toothpick had stayed in there it would have done more damage. I'm impressed!""Thank you Dr. Grey," he smiled, "But Dr. Griffith really helped."There was something sweet in witnessing young love. The beginning stages where one is too shy to confess any feelings or in this case, when one just couldn't be honest because the other already had a life. Meredith knew too well of that but she was hopeful that the universe would spin things into his favor the way it had for her."Oh, no, this was all you," Simone smiled back at him, "I'll start on the post-op notes.""Thank you," Meredith grinned as the resident walked out.Meredith sighed as she turned to Lucas, "You okay?""Derek said that uh, I should look into getting tested for ADHD," he reached for a towel and dried his hands, "What if I can't-""He's had that theory for a while," Meredith threw the towel in the bin, "He's been paying close attention to all of you but a few things stood out and when we met with all the attendings he had a lot of questions and a lot of notes on every single one of you, so, he didn't just randomly think of this.""How long?""He's your director, his job requires him to pay attention from the instant you begin your internship. It also helped that you lived with us and you spent time with him and Bailey, so,," she shrugged, "I know that you're pissed at him because you overheard that we're leaving so he didn't know how to tell you."He tossed the towel in the bin. In the blink of an eye it could all go away- right? No one in his family, the great Shepherd clan, had said a word. No one had the slightest inkling?"That would explain the black sheep thing," Lucas shook his head, "I never fit in and I never…why didn't anyone pick up on it.""Someone did," Meredith shrugged, "You're not a black sheep. You're not an outcast, whatever the outcome or decision is. You are more than that."He scoffed."I hated my name. I hated being a Grey. I hated that everyone knew I was a Grey and that everyone compared me to my mother. For better or for worse, I was always like her, I never escaped her. I even thought about changing my name for one second when I married your uncle and then I shook that thought away because I'm me."He shifted as he listened carefully, "Yeah but you still turned out to be The Meredith Grey.""Still doesn't mean I didn't live under her shadow. I've lived with her shadow my whole life," she shrugged, "Everyone in my class knew I was her daughter- my best friend called me out on it once. And Dr. Webber was chief then and the first thing he told me was that I looked just like her. I was pretty sure I got into the program because of her.""Well isn't that why I got in here? Because of Derek? And Amelia?""No," Meredith shook her head, "I mean it's a leg up but you have to give me some credit. You're not here because you're a Shepherd. You're here because you made your case as to why you deserve a chance.""I guess."Meredith chuckled, "You show promise. I mean, you've got some things to work on but many surgeons start that way. Look at Jackson Avery, he also had a legacy behind him- a mother who is a world renowned urologist and Harper Avery himself- the surgeon, not the ass- and he used to drop instruments in the OR all the time. Mark Sloan didn't even want to teach him at first.""Uncle Mark? Yeah, he yelled at anyone he didn't like.""Sounds like him. But he taught Jackson. And he became a damn good surgeon and now runs the foundation that keeps our hospital's funding up," Meredith whispered, "Shepherd's just a name. What you do with what you have is what matters.""How'd you shake off the feeling?" Lucas asked curiously, "About the name?"Meredith exhaled as she tried to find an honest answer. She couldn't."I didn't," she shrugged, "I just made peace with it."Lucas watched her make her way towards the door, "Aunt Mer?"She turned to him with a gentle look."You should call me Shep," he swallowed, "Sorry I snapped earlier.""It's okay, we all have our moments," Meredith smiled and raised a brow, "But, I won't do that here. I want updates every hour.""Yes, chief," Lucas turned to the empty OR. The Grey Shepherds would be leaving him to his own defenses soon. It'd be his job to either look into his uncle's findings or to keep drowning in his own mess.Derek peaked into the treehouse before entering. He smiled at the little girl with the small braid her mother had tenderly crafted before he took her to school. She laid on the bed in the nook with a workbook in her lap, her small brow furrowed in concentration."I'm surprised you haven't moved all your things in here."Ellis turned to look at him from her work and sat up straight, "What's the point? We're leaving anyway.""Mm," Derek hummed, "I know you're mad at me."Ellis twisted her mouth into an unsatisfied knot, "I'm not mad, it's just-"She exhaled as she tried to look for words. Derek watched as her irises darkened and as she searched for the right way to express her emotions. She was a tough one, his youngest. She was an intelligent girl with a bucket full of emotions. Sometimes she knew how to work through them but she was still a child. She was still learning."You're upset," Derek whispered as he sat on an empty chair slightly too small for an adult, "And that's okay. You're allowed to be upset. At me and momma.""I just don't want to leave my treehouse," she whispered, "I want to be a good sister to Zola. I want to be good but I'm also upset about it.""Just because you're upset, it doesn't mean you're bad," Derek explained, "It doesn't mean that you're a bad sister or that you're mean. "Derek grimaced at his own words. Amelia came to mind as he said them. She'd been angry. She'd been cruel. But so had he.Ellis quietly fiddled with the pencil she'd been using to complete her homework."Do you need some help?" he asked, "I'm really good at the math part. Although this new math you kids are learning gives me a headache.""No, I'm almost done," she smiled, "Mom said she would check it for me."He looked around. She had absolutely personalized it with drawings and her favorite things. Like an old purple knitted blanket, a pillow in the shape of a star both on the nook where a few books lay unopened. Zola's old stuffed animals were in a basket by the corner. Bailey's old soccer trophies. Ellis had brought a little of her siblings to the treehouse. To her space- their space."I love what you've done with the place," he smiled as he continued his visual tour."Thank you," Ellis returned to her work as her dad looked up at the wall. She'd taped up a variety of drawings, old postcards she'd insisted on buying, posters of insignificant things, some polaroids taken with the camera they'd bought Zola years ago- one of the Little Grey Shepherds standing proudly by the ferryboat, another of Ellis and Zola standing together in their dresses, another of Bailey with his softball uniform and his dad standing proudly next to him with a trophy, another of Meredith and Ellis sitting on a table with sunglasses and ice cream cones. Strawberry clearly. And a final one of Ellis and Derek, both pulling silly faces, air blowing into their cheeks and eyes wide open at the camera. He'd taken that when Zola had left her camera outside unattended and Ellis had giggled endlessly at the final result. A string of lights hung around the edges of the nook."I'm gonna find us a house with a treehouse," Derek announced, "A big one. And if you don't like it, I'll fix it until you do."Ellis' eyes widened in surprise, "You don't have to Daddy, you already built this one."For all the fuss that she'd been spoiled since forever, she'd been quite mature in this situation. Perhaps it was the childlike attachment she'd formed and the fact that this would always be her one true treehouse."I know," Derek smiled as he tenderly reached to push her hair behind her ear, "Just because we're leaving or just because Zo needs something right now, it doesn't mean we've forgotten about you or Bailey. We know we're asking a lot out of you."Ellis smiled, and before she could say anything a voice below them called."Dad? Ellis?" Zola bellowed, "Mom says if you guys don't come in for dinner she's gonna eat both your plates!"Derek smirked as he widened his eyes to his youngest, "C'mon, she had a long day today, she means it!"Derek tightened the tie around his neck. He stared at the indigo tie through the mirror hung up in the cabinet of his office.It had been a week since the board had finally approved all his changes, his suggestions, and even approved the grant he and Meredith had proposed. He just hoped all of it would be enough for Jamarah Blake to finally clear their program."You nervous?" a familiar voice called to him from his door. He slightly closed the door of the cabinet and sighed."That's the second time you adjust your tie," Meredith closed the door behind her as she approached him. There were no scrubs for her today, either. She wore black trousers and a navy silk blouse. Her hair loosely tied in a bun tucked by her neck, "You chose a good one.""What if I fail you? What if Blake tanks us again-""You are not gonna fail me," Meredith rolled her eyes as she reached for his tie. She wasn't sure whether she was reaching for his sake or her own, "You screwed up the knot again. I'm starting to think you do it on purpose just so I can fix it.""I'm a big boy, I can knot my own tie," he shook his head, "We haven't even presented Yasuda with the grant.""Because we just got the approval yesterday, Derek, and she had already left for the day" she rolled her eyes, "I paged her, she should be on her way up.""Leave it alone, don't touch it," She pulled on the tail of his neck tie, "Everything's gonna be fine. The program is going to get cleared. You did good, Derek.""We did good.," he sighed. He quickly glanced at the mirror and shut the cabinet. He loosened the tie slightly, "This program? It's your doing. I'm just following orders. You, Chief Grey, are a good chief.""You are doing it on purpose," She smiled as he approached her. She didn't bother with the tie again, instead she focused on how he gently pressed his lips against hers. Softly. A gentle kiss just to thank her for the unwavering support. To ease his nerves and her own."Derek, what's wrong?" she pulled back and ran her hair against his smooth cheek, "Besides the program, what's going on in your head?"Derek sighed as he stepped back, "Amelia is still not talking to me.""She's not talking to me either," Meredith sighed as she moved to sit on the ledge of his desk, "Maggies said she's sober. She's been staying at the house with her when she's not at her place packing."Derek hummed in response before the door burst open with Dr. Yasuda running in, "Oh uh, Chief Grey, Dr. Shepherd, you paged?"Derek stepped to stand next to the chief, "Yeah, listen we want to talk to you about-""Okay before you fire me, I quit!"Meredith glanced between Derek and the intern. She still sat on the ledge as she raised a brow, "You quit?""Yes. Before you fire me," she bravely swallowed, "I quit because, yes, I've made mistakes and I accept the consequences I receive but the only mistake that I constantly seem to make is not having enough money to work here.""Mika-" Derek sighed."I wasn't born with a silver spoon or the family pedigree to fall back on," she continued, "but my student loans are real. And the risk of my parents losing their home is also real-""Dr. Yasuda," Meredith tried to no avail."I think you both know I bust my ass for this program," she confidently straightened her posture, "I am devoted to this program but not at the expense of my health. I can't be devoted and work a second job or be constantly berated. And offering me a trailer doesn't cut it, so I quit.""Are you done?" Derek crossed his arms."Yes?" she furrowed his brow, "Was-was I not going to be fired?""No," Derek shook his head, "You were not. You've been selected to be our first recipient for an emergency relief fund.""We started this program with the intention of doing better," Meredith continued, "And that means helping where we can. And it's exactly what we plan to do.""It won't pay all your loans. It's intention is help you make ends meet so you don't feel the burnout you are feeling now," Derek smiled, "I listened to you and you're right, you do kick ass here so-"He reached to his desk and grabbed an envelope and offered it to the intern, "You still want to quit?""No," Yasuda took the envelope as emotion overwhelmed her, "I don't. I'm just getting started. Thank you.""You deserve it," Meredith smiled, "You have a surgery. Dr. Shepherd will talk logistics with you later."Yasuda walked towards the door before turning to the pair, "You have no idea what this means to me. Thank you for listening, Dr. Shepherd."The door closed behind her. Meredith turned her gaze to her husband, "You offered her the trailer?"He shrugged, "I thought I was helping."She laughed before both their phones went off, "Oh, that's for you. Jamarah Blake is here."Derek groaned before he made his way to the door."Hey"Derek turned as his hand gripped the knob, his bottom lip trapped between his teeth."I am a good chief," Meredith smirked, "And I chose a good director. You got this."He smiled as he walked out."I gotta say, Dr. Shepherd," Jamarah closed her notepad and turned to him. They'd been in the conference room for a while now after touring the hospital, the new facilities, and interviewing interns, "I am thoroughly impressed with how you've managed to turn this program around.""You left a heavy list," Derek answered, "It took us a bit but we stepped back and Chief Grey knew exactly what we needed to get back on track.""I can see that," she tilted her head respectively, "Let me ask you something. The last time I was here you and Dr. Grey- who happens to be your wife- had one foot in the door and the other out.""I don't hear the question," Derek furrowed his brow."Am I to expect any surprises?" Jamarah stared at him. Her brown eyes seeked the truth and there would be no way out."Dr. Grey and I will both be leaving at the end of the year," he sighed, "But we have candidates for both positions lined up and it'll be up to the board to decide who fills them in."Jamarah opened her notepad and took notes, "It's interesting you say that-""We didn't know we'd be leaving until recently when our family needs proved to be too big," Derek swallowed. This had been a major obstacle and a reason to shut the program down initially that he was sure she wouldn't clear them after his confession, "We're surgeons and teachers but before that we're parents. Just like these kids who are people before surgeons."Derek shrugged, "Our family takes precedence. We care about this program and we want to see it's clearance through."Jamarah tapped the notepad with her pen before speaking, "I spoke to every single intern in the program. I looked at their records and I was surprised to see that most were not nearly the top of their class the way that you've previously admitted them, their attending's notes are not the greatest, and they carry heavy baggage.""Dr. Grey's vision of this new program was to give those that showed promise a second chance," he explained. Not many understood but he did."And that's exactly what these interns are getting," Jamarah nodded, "You and Dr. Grey are a loss to this program, your names were repeated by each intern over and over again but, you've built a strong foundation."The door burst open suddenly with Lucas at the door, "Oh, uh, sorry, Dr. Shepherd. Dr. Grey and I have a patient and she asked me to come look for you. We need an urgent consult.""Dr. Amelia Shepherd isn't-?""She's in surgery and can't step out," Lucas shook his head.Any thought of Meredith trying to pull him out solely for the purpose of distancing from their visit was thrown out the window when he saw the desperation in her eye. She stood in front of the scans in her navy scrubs. She was supposed to meet him during his final meeting with Blake until he'd heard she'd been pulled in for a trauma."22, she was in an MVC, and presented with abdominal pain," Meredith explained quickly, "We went in for an ex lap and repaired her spleen. It went well. It was a relatively simple procedure. We were about to remove ventilation-""I did everything Dr. Grey indicated, we did everything right," Lucas added quickly. Derek glanced at the two."Tell me I'm rusty and that I'm not looking at what I think I'm looking at," Meredith stared at him.He shook his head, "You're not rusty. She had a massive hemorrhage it's gone into-""-the ventricular system," Lucas swallowed as he stared at the CT scan in front of him. It was exactly what Meredith had explained she feared. Their patient had stroked out. No matter how perfect the surgery had gone, they lost their patient."I can go in and do a formal exam in a few hours but-""She's most likely brain dead," Lucas finished for him again.Meredith exhaled and rested her forehead on her hand, "Adams, prep for an EEG and get me her emergency contacts if they've got them already."The pair watched as Adams shoulders dropped and he walked out of the OR, mentally beating himself up for the loss."I'm gonna go check on-""Yeah," Meredith sighed as she heard him walk out of the scan room. SHe reached to rub the back of her neck when her eyes met with the woman at the door."Ms. Blake," Meredith greeted, "I was going to meet with you and Dr. Shepherd but-""Duty called," Jamarah shrugged, "I'm sorry about your loss.""Thanks," Meredith swallowed, "Are there any questions you need to ask me or anything Dr. Shepherd was going to review?"She kindly nodded and extended a hand, "I think I've seen everything I needed to. I'll be in touch within the upcoming days.""Days?" Meredith asked as she reached for the hand, "We were hoping-""Yes, Dr. Shepherd explained your situation," Jamarah sighed, "Unfortunately, it's how the system is run. I will do my best to inform you swiftly."Meredith sighed as she watched the woman make her way down the hall. She turned once more with a pleasant smile plastered on her face."For the record," she returned, "I do think this new program of yours is just what was needed. Congratulations."Rare were the times Meredith was rendered speechless. Another box ticked in her list of things to do- even if it wasn't official yet.Things at Grey Sloan were turning around and it was swimming in clear waters."Wow," A familiar voice called out from the bottom of the staircase.Ellis peaked down to find her Aunt Amelia standing next to the stairs admiring the tree house."You really went all out with your new treehouse didn't you? Scout would love this so much he might just want to move in there."Ellis looked around, "Do you want to see the inside?""Are you kidding?" Amelia smiled at her niece, "I want to see all of it!"The end of the week came by a little too fast and Amelia knew she was not supposed to be on the premises. Much less in the treehouse her brother had built his daughter. But she needed to make amends and that started with him.Everything started with him. And she hated that."Woah," Amelia awed in wonder as she walked through the entry, "Your Dad did an awesome job. I heard Bailey and Zola helped too.""They built me a treehouse only for us to move," the little girl grumbled."I heard about that," Amelia muttered as she grabbed a pillow and sat next to Ellis in her nook, "You don't want to move?""Kinda," Ellis shrugged, "I like the idea of starting over but this is our home. It's our house. It's my treehouse that my dad built me. And you and Scout are here and we can't leave you alone. Aunt Maggie is leaving too.""Ah," Amelia nodded, "You know when I was about your age, your dad and I used to go bike riding. He'd go with me even though he was a teenager and he did not like hanging out with his sisters because I missed out on our dad taking me out bike riding."Amelia softly smiled at the memory."He tried to take care of me, the way Bailey and Zola take care of you," Amelia continued, "He doesn't always get it right because no one is perfect but your dad always tries to do the right thing. Even if it's not always what he wants. But what he really wants is for you and your siblings to get the best chance you can get, and I'm sure moving isn't easy for him either, but he's trying. And so is your mom.""I didn't like it when I heard," Amelia confessed, "Your mom is like my sister and your dad is my brother and the closest thing I have to a dad but I know that what he loves most in this world are his kids and he would move the world for you.""I have a good dad," Ellis whispered, "And a good mom. I love them a lot.""Me too," Amelia nodded."Ellis Carolyn!" Derek called out from the bottom of the tree, "Are you still up there?""Uh-oh," Amelia chuckled, "He used your full name. I know what that means.""I gotta go," Ellis stood up and quickly embraced her aunt, "Thank you Aunt Amy."It was the first time she'd called her that. Her father had made it clear she was Amelia. Aunt Amelia.But Amelia couldn't help but smile at the endearment. It felt right that an extension of her brother shared her nickname."You're welcome, Ellis," Amelia gently pulled back, "Go. Before your dad goes crazy."Ellis quickly used the opposite latter and climbed back down. Amelia could hear her niece tell her father how she was talking to her Aunt Amelia. He told her to wash up for dinner and could hear the giggles echo in the yard.Amelia popped her head out the window and leaned on the ledge she watched his face drop. In surprise? Disappointment?"I thought I told you-""I just came from a meeting," Amelia swallowed a lump, "Uh, you can vouch with Richard although it kind of defeats the whole anonymous thing but he uh, he came with me. He's been taking me to one every day this week because he was worried when he found out about Maggie and you two.""You've been going to meetings? You've been sober?"Amelia shrugged, "I've been spiraling but I'm good. Still clean."He stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jeans and exhaled, relief washing over him."You built a pretty good one.""I think so," Derek looked up at the house and smiled, "Ellis really likes it."Amy nodded, "Can we talk?""Are you gonna make me climb up there?""I mean," Amelia smirked, "Might as well live our childhood dreams of having a huge treehouse like this one."Derek nodded as he took the first step up the stairs and met her in the treehouse."Where did you find the time to build this?" Amy asked as he stepped in."I hired a few guys to help out some days but, don't tell my kids that. It ruins the magic," he smirked as he sat next to her in the nook she was sitting at."I knew it," Amelia laughed, "You were like that growing up. You always tried to keep me in a bubble and wanted me to believe in magic and wishes and unicorns.""You still believe in unicorns," he teased."What kind of moron doesn't believe in unicorns?" Amelia scoffed as her brother chuckled."I'm sorry," Amelia gulped, "I'm really sorry for the way I've treated you. For blaming you for how I feel when all you're doing is protecting your family."Amelia slightly chuckled, "I know it wasn't easy for you and Mer. I know it must've been the hardest decision you've made and that you're not running.""I'm not," Derek insisted. An echo of their fights rang in his ears as he swallowed his pride, "I shouldn't have said what I said. I should've been more patient-""I was spiraling and I needed someone to put me in my place," Amelia shook her head, "Your execution sucked but you had good intentions."They laughed together, briefly forgetting their fight and their cruel words tossed at one another."You were fine last year when we said we were leaving for Minnesota," Derek turned to her, "What's different now? What changed?"I guess I knew it wasn't going to happen?" Amelia shrugged, "I don't know it felt like there was a chance I'd see you if I were flying back and forth for the trial and with Boston it just doesn't feel that way. And Maggie was still here."She stared ahead and shrugged absentmindedly. The tears in her eyes stung as she looked up, suppressing them to avoid her brother's concerned gaze, "Everyone is leaving.""But you're my brother," she whispered as she turned to look at him, "And we've been together for some of the hardest things life has thrown at us. And somewhere down the line we managed to get through it. But this is where we meet our crossroads. I gotta grow up. Figure it out for myself, now.""Amy," Derek sighed. Amelia realized it had been the first time he'd called her that in weeks. Her eyes widened as they met his, "You've been figuring it out yourself for years. And you're not alone, you're anything but alone.""Scout," She smiled, "I fear he might be too young to deal with my craziness.""You've managed to keep people around you because you care about them so deeply," he turned to her, "I'm not abandoning you and neither is Meredith. We're just-""Taking care of your family," she pressed her lips together in a thin line, "like you protected me as a kid."He nodded. He'd tried and failed. Over and over again. But he wouldn't anymore. His sister was grown, and she was doing it all on her own. She was strong and she was resilient.But his kids were still young. Still little. Still needed protection."You go," Amelia smiled through her tears, "You go and be the dad of the century and build more treehouses and stuff. I'll be okay.""I know you will," He nodded as he stood up and made his way to the stairs, "You sure you don't want to stay for dinner? It's mac and cheese today.""Another time," Amelia smiled, "I need to make amends with your wife and I don't want to do it in front of the kids. I owe her better.""Okay, let's make a list, what do we want?"Ellis looked up at her dad with a glare, as if the obvious were right in front of him, "Well we already said a treehouse."Meredith laughed. Of course he'd already promised that. They'd been sitting around the fire table in the yard eating chocolate ice-cream. An evening very well spent. Ellis sat in the arms of her mother while the other two sat on each side of their father."Okay, that's number one, a treehouse," Derek popped his spoon in his mouth.Zola turned to him, "Our own rooms like we have here.""Oh we were thinking that now that you and Bails are in the hugging stages, maybe you can share a room like when you were little," Meredith teased."No!" tha pair replied in tandem."Okay, individual rooms," Derek chuckled, "Got it, anything else?""A yard. A big yard so I can play baseball and soccer," Bailey added."Of course!" Derek nodded, "Massive. We need a massive yard.""Can we get a dog? If we have a big yard, we can share-""Uh, nice try baby girl," Meredith chuckled as her fingers delicately combed her daughter's blonde locks, "You got your treehouse, let's not start on the dog thing.""We'll talk later," Derek mouthed before he noticed his wife's glare, "Momma what do you want in our new house?""Bathtub," she answered with no hesitation, "A big bathtub. What about you?"Derek shook his head, "Nothing.""Nothing?" Meredith echoed. The kids turned to him with looks of confusion."What does that mean?" Zola looked around, "Dad, what do you mean?"He chuckled slightly as he finished the last bit of the ice cream in his bowl, "I want three Little Grey Shepherds in a home, happy and healthy, and I want my wife thriving, happy and healthy."He shrugged as he pictured it. A new life. A new start. A beginning they so desperately deserved."That's all I want," he smiled at the four lights of his life, "I don't need anything else."Across from him was his wife, sitting on a lounge chair with their youngest in her lap. Years ago, if you had told him he'd been married to the girl he'd met at the bar with three children, he would've believed it. Because from the instant he'd kissed her, he knew exactly what he wanted. Even if he stumbled along the way. He knew they were just meant to be.Bailey stood from his seat suddenly, "Hey Dad, wanna play catch?""Aren't you tired from your game today?" Meredith scoffed as Ellis jumped off excitedly."I want to play!"Derek turned to his eldest, "C'mon I'm getting old, come play with us."His almost teenager rolled her eyes playfully, "Fine."Meredith laughed as the quartet stood excitedly from their seats and ran off to the grass. Bailey picked up a basket of softballs and gloves he kept at hand and distributed them. This is what she's always wanted. Even if she didn't always know she wanted it.A flourishing career- carved by her own name and talent.A husband who understood her dark and twisty ways and who loved her endlessly.And three perfect children with their own personalities.This was happiness.A sudden jolt in her chest took her breath away. She swallowed a lump.They were moving. The Grey Shepherd family was leaving Seattle. And nothing was stopping them. Nothing.Derek happily waltzed into their bedroom removing his watch, "Oh, they are rowdy tonight. Bailey still wanted to go at it for a while and I'm sure the girls were giving him a run for his money. Ellis has got a nice throw. It almost reminded me of Lexie for a second there."He walked over to the drawer stand to grab his things, "I'm gonna take a shower. Did you take one already or do you- Meredith?"His eyes fell to the figure on the floor. A word he'd never use to describe his wife was 'small'. She was anything but small. She commanded presence wherever she was. With compassion, with care, even in silence. You couldn't help but to notice the lithe blonde barking orders, rambling, or quietly observing.But now, she sat on the floor, curled up to herself, her arms wrapped around her legs, and her breath shallow by the corner of his night table. Hidden from immediate view. She seemed so…small."Meredith, what's wrong? What are you doing on the floor?" he asked worriedly as he stepped towards her"I'm waiting," she muttered with a swallow."Waiting?" he asked, "For what?""For the shoe to drop. For the universe to remind me that it hates me. For the bomb or the crash or the fire or-," she swallowed, "I'm waiting for the moment that everything goes terribly wrong and I'm waiting for-""Hey, hey, look at me-" Derek bent down to her level. His head telling him to keep himself collected and his heart racing at the sight of distress."The universe hates me, remember? It says 'Screw you, Meredith' and takes everything I care about away," she angrily answered, "All the times we broke up, the miscarriage, the shooting, the car crashes, the patient attacks, the coma, it hates me and everything is too good-""Nothing's going to happen," he wrapped both hands around her cheeks."It's too perfect- I mean almost," she continued with tears rolling down her cheeks, "I mean Amy is still pissed but, everyone is cheering us on and the kids accepted it and the program's almost fixed and you're looking for a house and- and -and I can't- It's just too perfect and I am terrified that it'll all go away.""It's not gonna go away-""I used to say I'd be happy alone because if it all fell apart I knew I wouldn't make it and you and the kids- I won't make it. I can't make it if something happened to you or the kids. I can't and it's just too right. It's too perfect and I'm just waiting because if I sit and wait, at least-"He could feel his own heart break as he watched her break down, "Meredith-""The last time everything was perfect there was a car crash," she whispered, "And it nearly took everything away. And then I almost died. And everything almost ended. There was no sunset to run off to!""I know," he nodded, "But nothing's gonna happen, we're okay, the kids are okay, it'll be okay.""I'm waiting to pay the price for the happy ending, Derek," she whispered, "Why do I always have to pay a price?""You're not gonna pay anything, we are okay. We're all okay," he insisted before she uttered the words that terrified him most."I'm gonna get Alzheimer's aren't I?" she gasped, "It's gonna be what I pay? Is that what the universe is going to take from me? Or God? Or whatever is out there because if it is, then what is the point of even trying to-?""Hey, hey, look at me, look me in the eyes," he redirected her gaze to him, a strategy he used when Zola had her own moments, "You do not have to pay for anything, you hear me? You've already paid more than enough in this lifetime and I'm not gonna let anything happen to us, I promise.""You can't-""I can," he nodded reassuringly as his thumbs rubbed the tears away, "I can and I am. We are leaving for Boston with our children. Zola is going to thrive and we will continue with the therapy and do family therapy to help the other two. Bailey is healthy, he hasn't been in danger for a while. And Ellis is good. She's okay. Everyone is okay.""Okay," Meredith swallowed as she hung onto each and every word that came out of his mouth. She clenched the fabric of his shirt."We're gonna be okay," he promised as he shifted to sit next to her, "Come here."She pushed herself closer until her head was buried in his chest. His arms soothingly ran up and down her arm as he whispered instructions to breathe.Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out.As the world silenced around her, she tried convincing herself that truly, everything would be okay. No matter what change came towards them.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Meredith had been holding the little girl's hand the last time he saw her. She was lost, he remembered. So Meredith needed to get her…somewhere. And then they were separated.
He looked around at the bodies, the debris, the people in gurneys, doctors, nurses, the red cross staff. She was nowhere to be found and this little girl was his only clue.
Derek bent down to her level and held her hand in both of his, "What? It's okay. Just think. Which way is she? Which way?"
The blonde girl looked around until her eyes focused on the American Red Cross tent that was set up. She had to be there. Right?
"What is it?" he asked as he watched the girl run off, "Good!"
Derek swallowed. No. Meredith was not there. He followed the girl down the maze of bodies, of people pleading for help. The scent of smoke and blood penetrated his nostrils and his heart beat faster with every step he took. The little girl ran behind the black truck the police had set up.
His breath quickened as he spotted the girl again standing in front of a railing. Silent. Staring off into the blue water. The vast blue water where he could spot the Seattle ferry boats.
She'd taken him there one night. They'd drank and had sex in his car again and then she took him home. And then they just happened.
He swallowed and bent down to the girl's level once more.
"Okay," he swallowed as the image of Meredith in the bathtub blurred his thoughts, "Use your words. Where exactly is Meredith?"
The little girl stared at the vast body of water. Her brown eyes blinked. The little girl in blonde pigtails, with the pink shirt, and brown sweater was going to tell him where Meredith was. Because if he couldn't find her, he'd break.
The little girl blinked before her small finger pointed out to the sea.
"Daddy?"
Derek swallowed.
"Daddy?"
He took off his jacket and ran to the railing-
"Dad!"
Derek's eyes opened as he inhaled deeply.It was a dream, just a dream, he told himself, A fucking nightmare of a memory he tried to repress.Another blonde girl stood over him. This one had her hair in one single ponytail, slightly tousled from the night and she still wore her favorite green pajamas. Nothing like what he dreamt of. Her small hands gently cradled his face."Mom says you overslept," she smiled, "You gotta get up. We're gonna be late!""Your momma's up?""Yes," Ellis yelled as she ran off, "She's in the kitchen!"Derek jumped up and ran straight into the shower. He'd tried giving her space. He tried letting her open up at her own time. But sometimes it seemed like he'd dreamt it all. As if two days ago she wasn't sitting on the floor against his side of the bed in tears.
"I'm waiting to pay the price for the happy ending, Derek," she whispered, "Why do I always have to pay a price?"
But this was Meredith. What else could he expect? If she didn't want to talk, she wasn't going to talk.He couldn't help but to think about how there was some truth in her words. Whenever happiness was at their reach, the universe found a way to turn it all upside down and give them some kind of hell.It was treacherous and unfair.He dressed and hurried down the hall. The noises of their children preparing from the day enveloping him. There should have been comfort in it. But today, all he could do was worry about the lack of talk coming from his better half. Even if she hated the hovering."Hey," Meredith's warm smile welcomed him into the kitchen as he made his way in, "Maggie leaves tomorrow morning and she asked if I could stop by the house to help her go through a few more things before she leaves. The girls said they want to go but Bailey is taking the opportunity to stay home. You two will be okay?""Yeah, I think he and I need to spend some time together," he swallowed as he watched her put in folders and documents into her black leather tote bag. She looked polished and ready to get on with her day but he questioned what kind of thoughts were intruding her mind.As if sensing his eyes on her she looked up and quickly flashed him a grin before blinking at his expression, "You okay?""Just tired, I guess," he swallowed as he approached her. Meredith didn't meet his eyes until he got closer, searching hers for any sign. Any."What?" her brow raised, as if she was expecting him to do something other than question her emotions. As if she were expecting her to sweep her off her feet and kiss her right then and there.Instead, Derek shook his head, "The other night-""Oh God, no we're not doing this," she shook his head as she placed her bowl into the sink, "I don't want to do this now. I already told you-""Meredith-""Will you stop looking at me like that? I'm-""Fine?" Derek finished for her as he watched her grab a mug of coffee."Yes. I'm fine," Meredith closed the cabinet with a resounding noise."Mm," he shook his head, "You want to talk about it?""For the millionth time, no I don't want to talk about it," she rolled her eyes, "There's nothing to talk about.""Except that you had a panic attack-""I got it!" she turned to him angrily, "It happened. It's over. Let's move past it.""You've been anxious about this for weeks. You were upset when I brought up the trailer, you were mad at Maggie, you're worried about the kids-""Derek," she hissed, "I am serious. Stop. Talking. About it. I don't want to talk about it. The only one who's making me more anxious right now is you."Derek sighed, "You know you've been the one who's been asking me not to shut you out these past few months but fine. I gotta go."Meredith mentally kicked herself, "Derek-""I gotta go, I have a busy day and so do you," he shook his head, "Bails, Zo, let's go!"Happy endings were the things of fairy tales. At least that's what she told herself when she made the house of candles and somehow things still managed to break. Happy endings were nonexistent. Because if they were, she wouldn't have had a miscarriage, her sister would still be alive, her mother would've miraculously made it through her illness, her husband wouldn't have been in a near fatal car crash, and her children wouldn't be suffering the way they were now.Happy endings were the things of fairy tales.Except, she and her family were finally packing up and leaving. And it would be fine. Nothing and no one was stopping them.Someone plopped a coffee cup on her desk with a sudden thump."What's this?""A uh, peace offering," Amelia shrugged, "I was mean and I said things I didn't mean and I blamed you for leaving and taking Derek when I shouldn't have. I was spiraling. I took it out on you and I was unkind. I'm sorry."Meredith blinked, "This isn't from your brother? You're not being his messenger? To apologize or check in on me? You're not hovering for him?""Wait, what? Why would this be his - no Meredith, I'm making amends. I am saying 'sorry.'""Oh. Thanks," she reached for the styrofoam cup and smiled.A memory quickly flooded her mind.
"I brought you breakfast," Derek walked in with a purple smoothie in his hand. She hated his cheerfulness. His stupid optimism and the stupid grin he had as he walked in. She scowled at him and yet his stupid grin wouldn't wipe off his stupid handsome face, "Okay, I know you're sick of it but this time I had them make a raspberry one smoothie instead of your usual."
How the hell could someone be so damn happy when the world around them burned? And to top it off, she was silenced- physically by the metal wires keeping her mouth shut.
"Mm," She shook her head angrily, waving him away. No, she seemed to say through those green eyes of hers, I want nothing. Leave me alone. Go away.
"You need to have something besides those- ow what are you doing?"
She grabbed the bucket of ice chips and swiftly proceeded to throw ice chips in his direction. Had this been differently, he would've taken it personal. But he knew better. He knew her better. She was angry at the world. Angry she was in this hospital room stuck in bed. Angry at the helpless patient who destroyed her body. At her supposed sister-in-law who was drunk and couldn't get herself together and help. At him for not letting her stay that morning. At everyone for treating her like fragile glass.
Ice chips flew across the room to his direction, "Alright, alright! I get it! I'm gonna leave it here and I'll leave you alone."
Her eyes softened. She didn't mean to hurt him. She didn't mean to be cruel. Her head slammed back onto the pillow.
Sorry, her eyes blinked at him.
"I know," he whispered as he approached her. He leaned in carefully and ever so tenderly pressed his lips to her forehead, "I'll come back after I check on the kids."
She knew his heart slightly crumbled at her piercing demands. But she also knew he understood fully why she had thrown ice chips at him. Why she needed him to stop hovering.
He hadn't left the room except to check on their children and to quickly shower but every time, he'd come back in an old hoodie and the same pair of jeans. The chair in the room was his bed, and another drawing hung on the wall across from her because each time, the kids had another one ready for her. He'd even managed to convince a frightened Zola to step into the room and embrace her. The metals in her teeth were scary but he'd promised she was the best medicine for her mom and she believed it. Only he could convince her of that.
"If you love me, you'll drink it!" he called out as he walked towards the door. She slammed her fist on the table before she noticed him freeze at something. She couldn't see his face but by the defensive stance, it was his sister he stared at. He walked away from the room, rubbing his face as he made his way to the elevator.
Meredith slammed her hand on the table, trying to get Amelia's attention. Amelia didn't turn.
Thump! Meredith slammed the table again. She could see Amelia exhale before turning to walk away. Meredith grabbed the plastic cup filled with a possibly disgusting smoothie and tossed it across the room.
Amelia Shepherd was hurting. Meredith Grey was in pain. And at this moment, there was no way they could coexist.
Amelia brought a thirty day AA chip a few weeks after. Meredith kept it in a box with the engagement ring Derek had presented to her.
Meredith didn't remember the entire speech Amelia had given her after she threw the smoothie at her. She knew it had something to do with not liking the feeling of loitering outside her room. Something about her brother ignoring her existence. Her fear of nearly losing someone else she loved. And trying to figure out how to make amends to her.It was a turning point for them.And now, Amelia Shepherd had grown up. Making amends was something she knew how to do. And she meant it."I didn't mean to blame you for the whole Maggie thing or let it slip out about our decision. Your brother really wanted to be the one to tell you.""I know," Amelia shrugged, "I was gonna find out one way or the other. I was just caught off guard. But you two are doing the right thing. I'm happy for you."Amelia gifted her with a genuine signature Shepherd smile.There it was again. Someone else was rooting them on for the choice they'd make."How'd you know it was Boston?" Meredith raised a questioning brow."There's no way in hell Derek's gonna go back to New York after what Kathleen yelled at him," Amelia scoffed. She moved to sit on the chair across from her, "At least not permanently.""After what happened last time, I wouldn't want to either," Meredith rolled her eyes. A ringing noise pulled them out of their conversation, "Complex trauma coming in from a rural hospital.""Isn't Owen here?"Meredith shook her head, "He and Teddy are taking some time off so we're short staffed for the rest of the week."The pair made their way to the emergency room where a frazzled cardiac surgeon met them."Hey," Maggie blinked, "I was paged? I'm not on call. I'm not even supposed to be here-""Winston must be busy," Meredith shrugged, "I paged whoever was available in cardio and I guess that's you. Sorry, we're short staffed today.""Wasn't that supposed to be fixed?""It is!" Meredith exclaimed, "But people get sick and they have appointments and need time off. Life happens.""Okay what do we have?""Georgia Arkins, 18, bull riding incident," Dr. Kwan handed over the ultrasound to Meredith."Crushed liver and tore her IVC. There's a big hematoma in the retrohepatic space.""Did we get scans?""They came in from a rural hospital," Ben explained, "They're up."Amelia studied them, "She's got unstable T10 through L3 burst fractures.""Please don't tell my parents," Georgia pleaded with pained words, "They'll freak out."Meredith sighed. Children asking to keep things from their parents was difficult to say the least. Even if it were a silly white lie."I need you to stay stable," Meredith whispered as she tried to soothe the girl, "Has this happened before?""Yes, and they always freak out. I've had a broken wrist, leg, and a huge cut on my back."The doctors turned to each other."This burst L3 fracture is too unstable," Amelia shook her head, "Without immediate surgery we're talking about paralysis. Once Maggie goes in and repairs the IVC, I will stabilize the spine.""Okay," Meredith nodded, "Let's-""I don't think I should go in," Maggie shook her head."What? There's a massive hematoma.""That is sitting in a minefield," Maggie pointed at the scans, "It's stable for now. Dr. Shepherd should go in and repair the spine. I suggest a posterior approach to avoid rupturing the hematoma. I can monitor. ""I don't agree," Amelia shook her head, "It can still rupture."The doctors turned to their chief who removed their gloves, "Dr. Pierce is right. Dr. Shepherd, you should go in first. If you don't, she'll be paralyzed."Amelia sighed and reluctantly nodded, "You going in?""You'll need the assistance, let's go," Meredith nodded."What's his name?""Sam Sutton," Lucas answered."And what was he doing?""Wingsuiting," Lucas answered again, "It's like parachute jumping but the suit is-""Jesus," Derek shook his head, "You're clear to go, Link. No spinal injury and no brain bleed. It's a freaking miracle.""Seriously?" Link turned around from his own set of scans, "No spinal bursts? That's why I brought you in.""Well, looks like you won't need me," Derek shrugged and turned to the only intern in the room, "Keep me posted."Lucas quickly glanced at him and nodded. They hadn't spoken in the days since Derek had expressed his concerns and Derek wasn't sure where Lucas' mindset had been.He marched down the hallways he knew so well until he reached the elevator. The doors opened to reveal Meredith inside, clad in her navy scrubs, blue robe, and purple scrub cap."Headed to a surgery? The bull riding incident?""Are you keeping tabs on me now?," Meredith rolled her eyes. He didn't miss the annoyed tone in her voice."Believe it or not, I'm actually not keeping any tabs on you. I know you don't me to," he faced the doors and crossed his arms, "So I'm not.""It's Amelia and Maggie's case, I'm going in for an assist," she muttered.He hummed in response. No words nor sentences. Just an indifferent hum that he only gave when he was annoyed or pissed."I'm not ready to talk about it," Meredith mumbled, "I'm okay. I haven't gone all dark and twisty, but I don't want to talk about it yet."She could see him exhale as his shoulders dropped. He looked up at the numbers on the elevator as it reached its destination. His stop. The doors opened and Derek stepped out but first, he turned to his hand stopping the doors from closing."I know," he pressed his lips together, "You need a minute to back away but you'll come back."The doors closed as he stepped away.Meredith enjoyed the brief silence in the scrub room. She watched as the surgical team prepped the OR and brought in their patient. The sound of the running water soothed her until the doors opened with a bickering pair walking in.Meredith rolled her eyes at their conversation."I'm just saying. There is no reason why you can't do your research here," Amelia followed Maggie in the room.Maggie rolled her eyes as she reached for a mask, "Amelia-""I mean my brother and I did our Parkinson's surgery in the OR next door! Meredith will approve everything for you before she leaves!""Amelia," Maggie turned to her, "We have a patient! I hear you but we need to focus on her. Can we focus on her please?"Meredith glanced at each pair. She hadn't expected this. She hadn't expected for Maggie to move on so quickly and for Amelia to try to stay attached as much as possible. She actually expected the opposite. Amelia had always been supportive albeit a bit scared but Maggie had always feared change. To see them bicker on opposite ends was quite unusual.Meredith shut off the valve and walked into the OR. Her sisters promptly followed and the trio worked in silence. They opened the patient and Dr. Shepherd quickly began with her repair."Are we just going to work in silence?" Meredith quickly turned to them."Why did you ask if my brother was the one who sent the coffee as a peace offering?"Meredith laughed, "He's hovering. And I hate when he hovers. It makes me feel like he thinks I'm this fragile little thing when he knows better than that. And he said something today that made me mad.""I know that feeling," Amelia chuckled, "Although with you, I've learned he is just a little bit overprotective."Meredith peered at her."Right. Team Meredith right now," Amelia chuckled, "Well it's better than leaving. Kai left and before they left, they made me fall even more in love with them.""Did you tell them that?""I did," Amelia shrugged, "But they earned that job. They want it and I know what it's like to be on that end, remember? With Link? It's why it didn't work out but with Kai I-I want to be prioritized, I want to matter. I didn't want them to go.""You do matter to them," Meredith tried, "They just have the same ambition you do. And they have a chance to follow it.""Can we keep all non-essential chatter to a minimum?" Maggie blurted, "It's a dangerous field.""Things with Winston are still bad?""I'm basically Ellis Grey to him," Maggie swallowed."You're not Ellis Grey. I would know, I grew up with her," Meredith muttered before the sudden sounds of machines interrupted them, "Crap, BP is dropping. Pierce, is that what I think it is?"The anesthesiologist held up the suction water seal full of red liquid. Maggie's eyes widened as she stepped into the lead surgeon role."She's bleeding out! The hematoma ruptured. Stop the fusion, we need to flip her."In any situation, Amelia would've perhaps deferred to Maggie, but this surgery was anything but simple, "Her spine is exposed, if we flip-""It doesn't matter! Pack it and throw some ioban on it," Maggie commanded, "Hang two units of blood, prep for an x-flap and a sternotomy."Everyone moved and did as they were told. Meredith and Amelia exchanged a glance before Maggie continued."Every second counts here people! Until we get this bleed stopped, this is my OR!""Georgia did well under the circumstances," Maggie explained. Meredith listened carefully as the Chief of Neuro and Chief of Cardio explained their procedures to Georgia's mother."But she's gonna be okay?" Mrs. Arkins asked."She should be," Meredith nodded, "But we would like to talk to you.""I should get my husband-""Actually," Meredith stepped forward, "We'd like to talk to just you, first."Mrs. Arkins read her expression, Meredith could feel it. She knew the role Mrs. Arkins had. She was a mother and a wife. Her job was to make sure everything and everyone was safe. And she seemed like the type of woman who stood her ground and fought fiercely for those she loved."Cody never wanted Georgia to go near a bull," Georgia's mother explained, "He'd give her a dollhouse, ballet slippers, a soccer ball, but she wanted boots, saddles, spurs. So he thought that when she took her first spill, she'd lose interest. She was laid up with a crushed trachea and we said 'no more'"She turned to her daughter, "She stopped talking to us. She wouldn't eat or drink. And that light in her eyes was gone. So if you're going to-""If she keeps doing this. It may kill her," Maggie interjected."If she doesn't stop, she could become paraplegic," Amelia added."I know that," the mother sighed, "But if I take her dream away, it may just kill her. Would you do that to your own children? Take any possibility away from them from ever accomplishing any of their dreams? Would you?"She turned on her heels and walked down the hall in search of her husband."Nothing is harder than parenting but sometimes you need to be the parent," Amelia shook her head."Would that have worked on you? When you were a teenager? Was your mom able to stop you?""Maggie," Meredith turned to her to shake her head in disapproval.Amelia's brows formed a deep vee between them, "I was using drugs to mask some real pain.""Maybe that's what she's doing," Maggie pointed out, "And maybe she's tired of people calling her selfish-"Amelia rolled her eyes, "Maggie, I am not calling you selfish-"Meredith had been on the end of that rope. Of being called selfish and disloyal. Both words were untrue and an offense to her character. She'd given enough over the years and finally, finally, it had been her turn to take. But taking wasn't always so"Both of you shut up," Meredith chided as if she were reprimanding her own children, "She's her mother. We did our job and we talked to her and clearly she wants her to live. She's not being negligent."Amelia stepped closer to Meredith, "You wouldn't let Zola, Bailey, or Ellis-""I wouldn't stop them, either. Seeing the light in their eyes dim is just as heartbreaking as seeing them injured. Because they have an entire life ahead of them and no matter how much we want to protect them, they will trip and fall," Meredith shook her head, "She wants to give her daughter her best chance at her dream. And maybe deep down, that mother is hoping her daughter changes her mind. I get it."She turned to Amelia knowingly, "My mother once tried to convince me not to go to medical school because she thought I didn't have what it took to become a surgeon.""I want to believe she was scared I'd miss out on what she did," Meredith swallowed, "Of being extraordinary."Maggie sighed as she turned to Amelia, "Are you really upset I'm leaving? Can't you be a little supportive? Mer is.""I wouldn't be your sister if I wasn't slightly annoying," Amelia smirked, "You go, Maggie. I'll be fine. You'll do amazing."Meredith smiled before turning to the pair, "Keep me updated. I want to know when she's up."Maggie reached to squeeze Amelia's shoulder before walking in the same direction as Meredith.Amy exhaled and rubbed the back of her neck. A tall figure caught her attention at the nurse's station."How much did you hear?""Somewhere along Maggie not being selfish," Derek smirked, "You okay?""I heard about the sky diver," Amelia approached him, "How is he?""Last I heard, stable. Adams is on that case with Link. He pulled out a freaking miracle, with that man," Derek shook his head, "How's your bullrider?""Stable," Amelia sighed, "Aren't you gonna miss this? I mean it's never a boring day here. It's a crazy trauma after crazy trauma."Derek chuckled as she bragged about the intricacies of working at Grey Sloan."You are right," Derek shook his head, "You're a brat.""Admit it you'll miss it," Amelia smirked before turning back to Georgia, "Her parents are gonna let her keep up with the bull riding and that is infuriating.""It's hard being a parent. Especially as they start becoming their own selves.""Says the golden dad," Amelia smirked, "I get it. We can only do our best. Your wife said the same thing.""Mmhm," he hummed, "How is she?""Who? Meredith? She's fine," Amelia shrugged, "She seemed fine. Why, what's going on?""She's been anxious lately and last night, the last drop spilled over," he explained with a long winded sigh, "I'm just worried and she won't let me in. At least not right now."Amelia turned to see her sister-in-law speak to the parents."You think she's gonna back out? About moving?"He turned to her, "You'd like that, wouldn't you?""I mean, just a little," she smirked before she looked at him sympathetically, "I don't think she's backing out. I think she's just trying to find a way to say goodbye.""What do you mean?""Derek, she's not like us," she whispered, "You and I sprint remember? We sprint because it gets too scary. She doesn't do that. She stands her ground and doesn't move because she's scared that if she does, something will break even if something is already broken.""But, you already know this," Amelia smiled, "You know her better than anyone in this world- I mean Cristina might be up there with you but, you know her. And she knows you.""She does run," Derek clarified, "Sometimes she runs. Depends on what the situation is. If she can, she runs. Other times she freezes. It's scarier when she freezes."He thought of the few times she did. Of when she pushed everyone away and gave up. Of when she couldn't look at him after he came home after his accident because she thought it had been all a farce. Of when she blamed him and couldn't move from nearly losing their son and blaming herself.Amelia's voice shook him away from his thoughts, "You okay?"Derek smiled, "Yeah, I'm good."He grabbed his tablet and a stack of papers and made his way down the hall."Are we?" Amelia called out, "Gonna say goodbye, I mean?"Derek turned with furrowed brows, "You know, I'm not dying.""You're leaving. It kinda feels like we should say goodbye," Amelia shrugged, "She is.""She's not saying goodbye to you or Maggie. She's saying goodbye to this place," he shook his head, "Besides we can't say goodbye because Ellis made me promise to bring her back to visit during the summers.""Is she visiting Scout or her treehouse?""Let's say Scout," Derek smiled as he earned a laugh from his sister, "We're not saying 'goodbye'."Amelia returned the same smile back.Derek stared at the monitor. There were no other unopened emails in his inbox. He'd gone through every single one and did not land on the one he was hoping to receive. He'd been hoping that Jamarah Blake would have a decision about their program by now. That the last few days of painful waiting wouldn't be for nought and that they'd be in the clear. His interns had worked hard enough for it and so had his fellow attendings.And he wouldn't leave this place comfortably if they weren't in the clear. The clock was ticking on his time here and he needed a decision yesterday."Come in," he responded as a knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. Derek turned towards the door and was surprised to find the person walking in, "Dr. Adams? What can I do for you?"Lucas closed the door behind him and swallowed a lump that had formed in his throat the instant he'd heard his uncle's voice, "The thing you told me about ADHD?""Yeah?""I uh, I started reading some articles," Lucas explained."Uh-huh," Derek nodded, "What are you thinking?""I think you may be on to something," Lucas quietly admitted with a quiet voice, "It just sucks that no one noticed anything you know? Because deep down, I knew something was different about me and no one ever said anything, I mean, we're a family of doctors for God's sake!""Yeah," Derek nodded as he let his nephew unload, "Sorry.""Why are you sorry, you left remember?" Lucas muttered, "It's not like you were there long enough.""Except I remember your obsession with transportation- especially aviation," Derek swallowed, "I remember you were obsessed with trains and then with planes.""You were obsessed with getting from one place to another. You knew everything like how they were built, tiny details no one would have cared about." Derek continued, "And then your mom would say you couldn't focus in school and-"He thought about the little boy running after him during Thanksgiving. He too had called him Uncle Der once and forced him to give him piggy back rides and pretend he was an airplane. But that was before he ran away to Seattle.Derek smiled, "I bought you that train set once, remember?"The signs were there. At least now that he looked back, he could see all the signs that pointed to Adams being neurodivergent. They were there and he didn't bother to notice."I'm sorry," Derek sighed, "I should've paid more attention. I should've picked up on it, while I was around""Thanks," Lucas swallowed, "What's uh- gonna happen if you leave and we don't get the off probation. Wh-what's gonna happen to us, I mean?"He was trying to figure that answer out himself."I'm not leaving for Boston until the kids are off of school," Derek answered, "We've got time and I'm confident we impressed them enough that we'll be in the clear."Lucas nodded."How's Sam Sutton?""He's flirting with the nurses and Yasuda," Lucas let out a chuckle, "She put him in his place twice.""Good for her," Derek smiled with a curt nod, "Hey, uh, the girls are spending the night at the Sister House-""Sister House?""Oh uh your place," Derek explained, "You should stop by the house. Bailey and I have the house to ourselves."Lucas smiled.If she closed her eyes hard enough, she was sure she could still smell the reek of the beer that was left when Izzie threw that party their intern year. She could smell the pastries she'd bake whenever she couldn't sleep. She could see the Christmas tree she'd let her put up and could feel the lights around her as she lay on the floor. She could see Alex sitting on the couch trying to calm her down as she panicked over meeting Carolyn for the first time. She could see George and Lexie dance it out with the rest of them in the living room. And she could see Cristina running up the stairs to crash in her bed.And before that, the memories were vague. Her father poured her cereal in the morning. Her mother studied at the kitchen table. She played alone in the living room with the Anatomy Jane doll.Some memories were vague and some were crystal clear."You don't feel weird about leaving?"Meredith turned to her, "Did you feel weird about leaving Boston? When you moved out here?"It was a valid question. Meredith lived her entire adult life here. Maggie was born and raised in Boston. Leaving a place you knew a long time was a big change in life."Oh yeah," Maggie laughed as she set the box on the floor, "But it felt right, you know? It felt like a no-brainer even though I was petrified."
"I spent all morning deferring to you and trying not to step on your toes? For what? Because I wanted you to like me? Well guess what? I'm kind of over that now!"
"Yeah, you definitely don't have to worry about me liking you."Theirs was a complicated and difficult road. There was no middle ground between the two when they had first met."Do you want to know the truth?" Meredith asked."Hey mom?" Zola ran into the room before she could tell Maggie anything else, "Aunt Amelia offered us some popsicles but she wants to make sure that it's okay with you first."Meredith smiled at her eldest. It wasn't too long ago that she was first walking in this very living room. That she hadn't been brought in through the threshold in her father's arms and into hers, forever cementing the fact that she was her mother."It's okay with me," Meredith smiled, "Just don't make a mess please!"Zola ran off to where her Aunt and Ellis had been. They'd been completing a puzzle on the table as Scout sat on his high chair munching on cheerios from his snack cup."I don't feel weird. And that's even scarier. We had decided to move to Minnesota last year and I backed out because it just didn't feel right. And before that Derek and I fought over D.C. and that was terrifying. And even before that, I had a fellowship locked in at the Brigham. And we stayed because Lexie and Mark's death scared me. So we stayed."Maggie stopped going through the box and turned to her sister."We always almost moved," Meredith whispered as she kept her eyes at her daughters giggling in the kitchen, "Something always stopped us but this time it's different.""Are you having second thoughts?""I thought I was going to regret it because of my past in Boston. I didn't want Zo to like the school there- selfishly. But she did. And I'm not- this move is for her. Not me. Or her Dad. But it feels good.""A natural next step," Maggie smiled as she reached for another box, "Maybe this was supposed to be fate, you know, for you to go back and-""And what?" Maggie never finished her sentence. And Meredith only noticed after the pause she took had been longer than expected. She turned to Maggie who sat frozen, her hands in the box, fixated on whatever was in there."Maggie? What is it?""It's the journals," Maggie swallowed as she held one up, "What did you want to do with them?""I thought we returned them to Richard?""He gave them back when he married Catherine, remember? You hid them in the attic and came in running to go through them when the whole thing with Marie Cerone happened-""God, she was ruthless," Meredith shook her head, "Cristina would read them for me to magic marker out anything remotely gross about Richard- sorry."Maggie chuckled slightly, "Yeah well there was barely anything about that remember?""I knew about her as a surgeon," Meredith sighed as she skimmed through a journal, "She wrote down all her medical notes. All her cases, her findings, and that was it.""If you could go back and ask her anything, what would you ask her?"The question caught her off guard. Meredith hadn't thought of it except the unfinished note she once found."What would you ask?""If she ever thought of me," Maggie answered sincerely, "If she ever thought of contacting me? That letter I found said she wanted to do cardio and that she talked herself out of it. I chose cardio. I wonder if she would've, I don't know, it's stupid but-""You wonder if she would've thought you were extraordinary," Meredith finished for her.Maggie let out a breath, "But then, I remember that she didn't let the inconsequential get in the way."That was the word she had used in the letter for Maggie. Inconsequential. And it was one she used in her videos over and over. She didn't let the inconsequential get in the way of her own surgical greatness."You know when Winston said I was like Ellis," Maggie swallowed as she skimmed through another journal, "I believed it. I thought 'I am just as cold as she is' and maybe I am. It's why I can't make it work with him."Meredith looked up at her, "You're not cold. You are not like Ellis. She was ambitious and driven and you're both of those things. But you don't push anyone away the way she did. She pushed Thatcher away because she loved Richard. Richard chose Adele because he was jealous of her success and that made her bitter. She wanted a career not a kid, and she thought the kid got in the way of everything she could ever want."Meredith swallowed. She was said kid. She would always be that kid.
"You have a child," the man in the brown jacket said.
"Don't say that!" her mother pleaded. Meredith kept an eye on them as the carousel spun over and over, "I won't listen!"
"Richard-"
"I'm sorry, I can't," the man walked away. Her mother cried.
"No please- please, please, please!"
"No, Ellis-"
"Richard, you can't leave me," her mother pleaded, "Richard! Richard!"
"She did the right thing by letting you grow up with Bill and Dianne," Meredith whispered as her fingers grazed the notes in the journal. She'd poured over them hundreds of times, "She did her best."Maggie turned to her, "You're nothing like her either, you know?""Look at that," Maggie nudged to the kitchen, "You open your arms to people. It might take you a while but you do. You have a family that you were brave enough to accept even though you thought you weren't worthy of it. You're not like her either."Meredith watched her daughter. They wouldn't know the feeling she carried in her heart. This belief that she stood in the way of her mother's career was one her daughters would never know. Because the career was great. The job was amazing. It gave her a high and it made her proud. And she worked damn hard for it. But she'd never compromise her children for it. Whatever choices she'd make in life, were with her children in mind. Always her family."She told me to be extraordinary- when she tried to- and I didn't get what she meant until years later.""You and I are not like her," Meredith turned to her, "We are the surgeons we are because we have her drive, but we did better. We're doing better.""What are you doing?"Meredith sighed and grabbed as many journals from the box as she could. Her arms held as many as she could and they nearly toppled over as she continued to pile them on, "I have an idea but if we don't do it now, if we don't do what I think we should do now, I'll never do it.""Okay, line it up, just like I taught you," Derek helped his son line up the golf club.Bailey seeked approval and with one swing, the golf ball traveled over the cliff and landed somewhere in the lake."Nicely done," Derek proudly congratulated, "You got a good swing. We can add golfing to your sports resume soon."Bailey laughed, "When did you start golfing?""Actually," Derek chuckled, "Your Uncle Mark invited me up to the roof and he was swinging this thing to calm down on bad days. We kept at it for a while to let out steam. ""Is that why you're teaching me? Because you had a bad day?""No," Derek smiled, "I wanted to spend time with you and-""And? What did I do?""You didn't do anything. That I know of," Derek looked at him mischievously before someone walking up to them caught his eye, "Hey, look who decided to show up."Bailey's head snapped, "Skywalker!""Hey, Bails!" Lucas greeted his young cousin as he ran towards him to high five him. Derek smiled as he hit the golf ball and watched it fly off the cliff, "Since when do you golf?""He said Uncle Mark started it," Bailey announced as he took out a club and offered it to his cousin."Uncle Mark was trouble," Lucas chuckled as he kindly refused the club and let his cousin mimic the actions his father taught him. He watched as Bailey lined up the ball and swung.Derek looked at his nephew, "He wasn't always trouble. I mean most of the time he was but he wasn't always."He swung again before insisting that Lucas take over and try for himself. Lucas finally agreed and swung the club harshly. He handed the club back to his uncle, "Is this why you invited me over? To swing at golf balls?""It's good for stress, right Bailey?"Bailey nodded and swung again."Mind if I run over to the house to grab a drink?" Lucas asked. It had once been the place he called home but now, he kept a distance, and it had been okay. Things had slowly mended.Derek nudged, "Help yourself."Lucas ran off, leaving the father/son pair once more.Bailey watched as his dad lined up his club to the golf ball. He assessed the distance and swung the club. The ball went flying over the cliff far away from distance."Dad," Bailey swallowed, "Did you used to do stuff like this with grandpa?"Derek's head snapped up. It'd been the first time his son had referred to his father that way. A word he wasn't sure he'd hear his kids utter given their family history."Yeah," Derek smiled. A wave of nostalgia crashed over him, "Before he died we did.""You were twelve right?"Derek swallowed. Bailey wasn't too far from that age. He was just shy from eleven."I was."Bailey walked to the bucket of golf balls and placed it on the tee. He lined up his club like his father taught him and swung the club."Promise nothing's gonna happen to you," Bailey's blue eyes met the ones who had passed them down to him. The identical pair that offered wisdom."Bailey," Derek sighed as he let the golf club fall on the floor. He wrapped his arms around his son tightly. He'd been the strong one in the last few months. Even throughout his accident, this small boy had put on a brave face. He was a trooper and had managed to take care of his sisters along the way. A burden no young boy his age should have.Especially if his father was right there."I know I've asked a lot of you, Bails," Derek swallowed the lump in his throat as he pulled back, "I know I've told you that you need to take care of your sisters and your mom and you've made sacrifices. I know you have and I know I've been tough on you and that's my fault. But as long as I am here, I promise you I won't let anything happen? Okay?"Bailey wrapped his arms around his dad again and squeezed tightly, "Okay.""You're the kid Bailey. I'm the Dad. You shouldn't have to-I shouldn't have-"There was so much he wanted to tell his son. He shouldn't have burdened him. He shouldn't have had to grow up so fast. He shouldn't have to listen in on conversation in secret. He shouldn't have to face the cruel world so early. He shouldn't fear that his dad would get taken away and that he'd have to step up in his shoes.Derek rubbed his only son's back and pressed his lips on his forehead, "You stay a kid as long as you can, okay? I'm still here, I got you."Somewhere in the distance, in the reflection of the stars, he could see another young boy with auburn hair and blue eyes. Lost. Because there wasn't anyone to promise that it would be okay. That he could stay a kid. That he didn't have to carry a burden only adults could.Somewhere, that small boy was starting to heal.
"I couldn't stay with him. I don't care that he's Meredith's father, I just couldn't take it! And then Richard! He- he-," Meredith watched as her mother, or what was left of her mother, broke down in tears, "Oh, what do I- what do I do?"
Meredith stood from the table and wrapped her arms around the woman, invading her personal space. She resisted, as Meredith had expected, but then something seemed to click.
"Meredith?"
She held her a little tighter, "Mommy?"
That morning her mother had rambled over Richard choosing his wife over her. It had happened a long time ago and yet it still tormented her. This was what had pulled her mother away. What had caused her to regret her. Her words from that morning had rung in her ears.
"I should never have had a kid," Ellis had told her. And now she was crying in her arms.
She would be different than Ellis, Meredith had decided that day. Cristina and George and Izzie and even Alex. She cared for them. Deeply. Maybe she wasn't ready for Susan and the rest of her father's other family but that was fine. She didn't need them now. But Derek? She'd try with him. They were on their path of trying after the messes left behind.
Ellis wrapped her arms around her, surprisingly, returning the embrace.
Meredith had discreetly asked Amelia to keep her daughters entertained upstairs. Zola had eyed her curiously, recognizing the journals she balanced in her arms but didn't ask any questions.She tossed another journal into the flames as she watched Every single page burn in the flames. The leather shrunk as the pages quickly became crumpled ashes. Maggie tossed another journal. The words disappear into nothingness.The sisters watched every painful memory, every painful word from the past disappear into thin air. The thoughts that they were simply ordinary. That they were unwanted. Unloved. All of it was gone.And the only memory that was left was the belief that Ellis did her best. And it wasn't great, but they took the broken pieces she left behind, and put together a tapestry of love between sisters. Between women who saw each other as sisters- their friends and sister in-laws, their person. Between spouses who believed in their greatness. Between children who would grow to know what it felt like to be so loved.That was the ashes of Ellis' journals left.The chance to start again. Burning the past and lighting up a damn bright future.Derek swung the beer bottle back as he stared off at the distance, "I still think you're a moron.""She's engaged, what do you want me to do, tell her I don't want her to get married because I love her?" Lucas placed the bottle on the table and shrugged at the stubborn man next to him.He liked this camaraderie they'd somewhat developed. Derek seemed to get him, like he used to as a kid."Yeah!" Derek turned to him, "Look, you love her right. It's not just this infatuation. You really love Simone, right?""If she doesn't feel the same way," Lucas shook his head, "I'm gonna lose my friend. And I rather keep her as my friend than lose her forever.""You'd rather be tortured," Derek swallowed the rest of the bitter drink before turning to him.Lucas exhaled as he placed the empty bottle on the table, "You say it like you know what that's like.""I do," Derek snorted, "Ask around the hospital everyone knows everything. "He'd heard the stories and he probably knew more than most of his cousins did and definitely more than he wanted to. But still, it gave him some hope that his Uncle Derek and Aunt Mer had overcome so much."I chose wrong," Derek swallowed as he thought back, "She had laid it out perfectly. And I was going to choose her. I wanted to choose her but I ended up choosing Addison and I was bitter. And angry. And I took it out on them. And I tortured myself because I didn't- I was a coward."Oh, I know, maybe what I should do is go out on a date with a vet because that seems to be something that sends you into a blind rage! Oh wait, but that won't work either, because I'm not Meredith Grey!"You're calling me a coward?""No," his uncle shook his head, "I'm saying, don't overthink it. You'll regret not fighting for who you love even if it's not the right thing to do."His Aunt Mer had been right. He had a lot in common with his uncle."You should crash here tonight, you've been drinking.""I can get an Uber," Lucas protested.Derek stood from his chair and took both empty bottles in his hand, "They'll get lost getting here and by the time they do get here it'll be even later and you have a big case so just crash here."Derek made his way to the door before Lucas stopped him."You know I'm not mad that you're leaving," Lucas confided, "I'm not angry at you. I'm bummed and it sucks but I'm happy for you and the kids.""Thanks," Derek pressed his lips into a thin line as he turned to face his nephew again, "The guest room has clean sheets."Lucas watched as his uncle disappeared inside. He had just a few more months left to prove to his uncle he was up for whatever standard they'd set for him. To prove he was no black sheep.Meredith closed the door behind her quietly. She made her way down the hallway and noticed the guest room had been shut the way all rooms were whenever they were occupied. She gently patted her way to Bailey's room and opened the door gently.She smiled at the sight of the blonde boy snoring soundly. Looks like he had gotten a bonding day with his dad and his cousin. And perhaps he'd even miss his sisters in the morning when he realized they'd stayed at their aunt's house.Meredith closed the door gently and made her way to her bedroom. She shut the door behind her and quickly glanced around. Soon, it would be empty. No furniture. No clothes. No tumors on the wall. And no post-it on the wall.This home would be empty.She patted her way around the room and bathroom as quietly and gently as possible. She slipped on her husband's old Bowdin t-shirt and a pair of shorts before slipping into bed next to him. Her arms circled around his waist, gently bringing him back from his slumber."Hey," Derek sleepily opened his eyes before shutting them again, his arms circled her body, "You came back.""I came back," Meredith whispered, "The girls stayed with the sisters. They said they wanted one last sleep over with their Aunt Maggie.""Mm," He pressed a kiss to her forehead and embraced her even tighter, "Shep is in the guest room. He stopped by and had a few beers, I wouldn't let him leave."Meredith smiled, "Okay."Her finger gently traced his sharp jaw, the stubble prickling her skin gently as she traced it slowly."Do you remember that little girl from the ferry boat accident? The one that got lost? The one that told you where I was?"Of course he did. He had just had a nightmare with said little girl."I do," Derek opened his eyes and searched for her green orbs. They sparkled sadly in the darkness, but he could stare at them all night nonetheless."I wonder what happened to her.""Her mom was in the hospital, remember?""No, I know that it's just," Meredith sighed, "I wonder what she's doing now. I wonder what happened to her. I wonder how she ended up.""How do you think she ended up?" he whispered.She turned away from him, let him spoon her and kissed her shoulder. Her eyes set on the tumor he once drew on."She found someone," she whispered, "Someone who loves her so much. Who'd give up everything for her. And they had kids. And they're beautiful. She loves them so much that seeing them in pain breaks her heart. But she'd do anything to watch their dreams come true."Derek wished he could see her eyes as she spoke."And she's happy," Meredith whispered, "She has a happy ending. Even if her story isn't finished yet, she's happy."Her hand found his and wrapped his arm tighter against her.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"Okay, so tell me again. Simone's engaged?""Yes.""But Lucas has feelings for her?""He thinks so.""He thinks so? Are you kidding me? He looks at her like-""Fine, he has feelings for her.""But he won't tell her?" Meredith asked indignantly, "Why won't he-""Because she's engaged, Derek explained as he placed a few bills into the tip jar and moved to the side to wait for their drinks. He turned to the table near the window where his kids sat to make sure they were still doing well, "And because if he says anything, he's gonna lose her as a friend.""Right," Meredith scoffed, a hint of sarcasm lacing her words, "Because being friends while harboring feelings for each other always works out.""I'm gonna pretend I have no idea what your talking about," Derek chuckled knowingly.Meredith giggled, "Okay, well, for what it's worth, I think she has those same feelings for him."She missed this over the last week—the simple act of sharing a conversation with her husband that had nothing to do with the sterile corridors of the hospital. The weight of schedules and procedures, meetings and budgets, interns and residency programs had burdened her days, leaving little room for any kind of dialogue other than medicine. That and the thoughts in the back of her mind about moving, the burdens her children carried, and the changes on the horizon."Mm," he hummed, "What about Maggie? How'd she leave things with Winston?"Meredith sighed, "Maggie is happy in Chicago and they decided that they are taking some space. Winston just got settled here and Maggie wasn't going to let this job just go.""That's gotta be tough," he shook his head."We were there once," she turned to him, the memories of their own complex marital crisis playing in her mind, "You were in D.C. I was here. You changed your mind. Maybe they'll make it work-""The situation's different, Mer," he shrugged, "Besides you and I had other problems on top of me being in D.C. It only worsened it.""So what? You're saying you don't think they'll make it?""I never said that," Derek shook his head adamantly, "I want them to make it, I like Winston. He wanted to make his marriage work and was willing to make a sacrifice in his career."Meredith shrugged, "But she's not wrong either. She worked hard for that job.""She did and she deserves to give it a shot. They'll figure it out," He hummed, "What about you? You okay since she moved? It's been a week and we haven't really talked about it."Meredith exhaled as the barista on the opposite side of the counter placed their drinks on the table, "I'm happy for her, I am. I mean she wanted this job, she deserves it. I'm not thrilled she left so soon but at least we'll be on the same coast soon.""Speaking of being on the same coast," Derek sighed as he turned back to their kids and motioned for them to join the parents, "Did you see the houses they sent us?""I did.""And?""And, it's a pass on both of them.""Meredith!""What?" she asked innocently, a playful glint in her eyes, "The first one had a yard that was far too small and the other one-"She froze as she tried to think of a reason why it just wasn't their next home."You're not backing out right? I'm not gonna bring home papers and then you'll say-""I am not backing out, our children need this and so do we," she responded firmly, a determined glint in her eyes. "They just weren't our home.""Nothing's gonna be our home until we make it our home," he shook his head, studying her with playful scrutiny."I know, I know," she sighed, "It's just that you had that house built for our family, for a future you envisioned and a future I was terrified of and now we're leaving. It's not easy, it's a lot of change for me."Derek pressed his lips together. She was right. Their home wasn't just any house they had settled on. He had imagined a future there and there was no one else he had ever imagined sharing that future with. Years ago, he had a crystal clear vision. Marry Meredith, build a home, have children,raise their family, and live a long life together.He could still see the apprehensive look in her eyes and the step back she took out of fear of a concept so foreign to her.Now, there was nothing but certainty in what they had made. And he was well aware that she'd do anything to maintain it as firm as possible."Alright," he grinned and leaned in to place a reassuring kiss to her cheek "I'll ask the guy to send more options. If he can find any."His phone buzzed, its intrusion reminding him that he was not entirely free for the day."So close," Meredith teased, peering at the screen, "You were so close to making it the whole weekend without a call.""Dammit," he muttered, retrieving his phone and answering the call, his tone shifting to professionalism, "This is Dr. Shepherd."Meredith chuckled knowing that he would soon be beckoned away from their day out as a family. A rainy weekend in Seattle meant that Bailey's baseball game would most likely be canceled. It meant that the family would go to their favorite cafe and order hot chocolate adorned with a generous swirl of whipped cream. It meant that they would catch a movie or return home for their own movie marathon. But if one of them was on call, it meant that they would for certain be beckoned away."Does it have whip cream?" Ellis asked as her small hands wrapped around the warm cup. She squinted slightly, then turned to Meredith, who placed a gentle finger to her lips and guided the kids to collect their drinks, motioning toward the door.Zola was the last to take her hot chocolate from the counter and watched as her family made their way towards the door. She was also aware of what the call most likely meant."How bad was it?" Derek's voice resonated as he spoke into his phone, his attention temporarily diverted. He turned back toward Zola, a reassuring smile curving his lips as she passed by him to join the rest of the family. "Have an intern take her to get CT, I'm a few minutes out. I'll be right there."Meredith circled her arm around his waist as he stepped out of the cafe, "Everything okay?""Yeah," he replied, a hint of weariness in his voice. "Bailey's patient had a fall, and she wants me to review her scans." The familiar rhythm of their lives as doctors was reasserting itself, reminding them of the responsibilities of a career they both loved sometimes took precedence over their family plans."Daddy, don't go," Ellis turned to him with pleading eyes, "You said we'd spend the rainy day together today.""Ellis," Meredith gently chided."I know I did sweetie," Derek sighed regretfully, "But someone's gotta save a life.""It's a beautiful day to save lives," Zola smirked as she walked backwards, "Can I go with you?""Zola," Meredith offered another maternal reprimand again, "You're gonna fall and spill your hot chocolate all over yourself and then you'll be the one needing to go to the hospital.""Wait," Bailey turned in a similar fashion, not wanting to be left out, "I should go. It's Saturday. Dad and I usually spend Saturday mornings together. It's our time.""Hi! I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere," Meredith's voice was tinged with a mix of playful exasperation and amusement,Derek exchanged glances with Meredith, a silent conversation passing between them as they navigated the delicate balance between their demanding careers and their family commitments. He was needed at the hospital and yet his heart desperately wanted to stay with his wife and children. Their moments together had been sparse and his two oldest were reaching the age where they would hardly partake in any family outings. But, lives needed to be saved."Alright,I know we promised to spend the day together but I'm the only neurosurgeon on call today," he winced slightly at the looks of disappointment, "I'll do my best to get back as soon as I can, okay?"They grumbled lightly before resuming their walk, the reality of their father's situation setting in.Derek exhaled before turning to his wife who had a brow raised, "Oh, I'm not gonna hear the end of it for a while aren't I?""Mmhm," Meredith's lips curved in a playful smirk, her brow raised in mock seriousness "I'm getting that 'Favorite Parent' title back, you know?""How about I just hand it to you now and we call it even?" A light chuckle escaped his lips in amusement and surrender."That's not gonna be enough," she smiled teasingly."What if I add in a night to ourselves?" his hand slipped to circle around her lower waist and pulled her closer to kiss her again."You're getting there," she giggled before nudging him away, aware of the prying eyes of their children who were not shy about calling out their 'grossness', "Go. Save a life and then tell me all about it when you get home. Need a ride?""No, you guys should make your way to the aquarium," Derek sighed as he began to search his phone, "I'll get a lyft or uber and meet you at home?"Meredith nodded and reached to chastely kiss him before he turned to his children for a round of hugs, "I love you. Please be good to your momma!"Zola's gaze followed her father's retreating figure, a mixture of emotions playing across her features."Zo, you okay?" her mother's gentle voice beckoned her. Zola smiled and walked towards her."He'll be back later, I promise," Meredith smiled as she wrapped an arm around her and led her the opposite way. Bailey and Ellis walked ahead of them as they sipped on the warm drink in their hand."He'll be late," Zola sighed knowingly, "Once he gets a case, a bunch come in and he won't be home until it's super late."Meredith laughed, "Well that's the life of an on-call surgeon.""I was in the middle of a hot chocolate family date and left three Little Grey Shepherds very upset. Not to mention their mother who will be very confused at the plot of the movie they're going to because she didn't watch the million others that came before it," Derek stepped into the scan room wearing his casual black hoodie and dark pants. His face was a mix of exasperation and humor as he sat on the chair beside his colleague. If this didn't require surgery, he'd be ready to dash back to his family as soon as possible, "This better be urgent.""Get over yourself, I got kids too. Besides, your wife's the chief, she'd have your ass fired if you didn't show up ," Bailey rolled her eyes as she pointed to the scans on the screen, "This is my patient, Maxine Anderson, the one I told you about. What do you see?""Not sure yet," he shook his head. His eyes turned to the residents behind him and then back at the attending who was staring him down. He knew that look. He knew that look well. It meant that she was angry and was trying to get him to fix whatever problem there was. And clearly, he was most likely at fault."Why are you two here? I thought at least one of you had the day off?" Derek asked Dr. Millin and Dr. Kwan. They stood anxiously in the back of the room as they waited for the results."I switched with Griffith," Millin answered."I'm on call," Dr. Kwan explained."Right," Derek turned to the scans again and pressed on the intercom, "Mrs. Anderson, did you feel dizzy before you3 fell?"I don't think so," she answered, "I just remember losing my balance and hitting my head on the sink. Maybe it's a sign.""Let's not get ahead of ourselves yet," he replied."It's a sign my time is up," the woman answered, "When a racehorse breaks its leg, they usually put it down."The resident behind him, Dr. Millin, nudged between the attendings and pressed the intercom button, "Max, you're not a racehorse!"Derek turned to his colleague, a bemused smile playing on his lips. Once again, Bailey glared at him with her signature no-nonsense death stare and he couldn't help but feel a sense of familiarity in their banter.He knew what was happening. He wasn't blind to it. He was no fool and neither was Miranda Bailey. She'd witnessed what happened when a doctor grew too close to a patient. It nearly caused her her medical license and her own confidence as a surgeon when Izzie Stevens cut an LVAD wire to secure a heart for Denny Duquette."Crap," Derek muttered as his focus shifted to the images in front of him, "It's an active brain bleed in the subdural space. I need to get in there now."Millin stepped forward abruptly, her voice tinged with urgency "Dr. Shepherd, I know I'm on Dr. Bailey's service but can I-""No," Miranda deadpanned, leaving no room for negotiation."No? Dr. Bailey-" Millin attempted to plead."I said no," Bailey insisted with a calm but firm voice. Her eyes narrowed at the intern, "You just confirmed my suspicion that you are too close to this case and to this patient."Derek observed the pair, his thoughts aligning with Bailey's concerns. He knew all too well the dangers of becoming overly emotionally invested in a patient's well-being. He'd been on both ends and seen it all."Dr. Shepherd-" Milin turned to him, hopeful he'd side with her."No," he refused, his tone changing, matching Bailey's "You asked me to switch you from neuro to general this past week. You're not switching back. Kwan, book an OR."Kwan turned between the doctors in the room. He was a little arrogant, a little hotheaded and overly confident. He also had the most experience out of all the interns in his class, "I don't mind switching-"Bailey turned to her, her voice unwavering and her gaze piercing, "Look me in the eye and tell me that you don't consider this woman family."The intern swallowed as her composure wavered. She couldn't."Millin," Derek rose from his chair, his voice filled with empathy, "You're off the case. And you're taking the day."She shook her head desperately, "I can-""No," he shook his head, "You need to be there for her when she's out. She's gonna need you."The two attendings left the OR and walked down the hall together in silence."You're doing a fine job with those interns," Bailey said as she pressed the button to summon the elevator. It hummed as it slowly made its way to the floor.He leaned against the wall and shook his head, "Why do I have the feeling you don't really mean that?"Miranda scoffed, her tone teasing, "'Cause I don't."She pressed the button again impatiently as she raised her brow at him, daring him to contradict her."Oh, you see, deep down I think you do," he smirked. Truthfully, his confidence was shaking. He had yet to receive any news about the residency program. He'd been riding on the interns all week, keeping them busy with labs and cases to avoid any further questions about the status of the program. He could feel his stomach knot at the thought of the program not clearing in the upcoming weeks."I don't," Miranda hummed.He shook his head, "How's the rental?""White walls and white carpet," she rolled her eyes, "Two teenage boys and a toddler have cost me the security deposit.""Mer said she increased security-""I told her it wasn't necessary," she shook her head, "And don't you start either. What you should explain is you having most of your interns on Dr. Lincoln's case?""Oh, they were to observe-""We agreed you'd let me take two a day, Shepherd! I had one missing almost every day this week?" she pressed the button again, "Where the hell is the elevator!""Who didn't show up? " He asked as he mentally reviewed the schedule he'd carefully curated."Griffith," Bailey answered as the elevator chimed, "And she's not here today either. All week she was missing and they needed everyone else on Lincoln's case.""Oh," he sighed, a flicker of concern crossing his features. He pushed himself off the wall and followed her into the elevator, "She, uh, she has a personal matter she's dealing with.""How personal?""The kind I'm not supposed to talk about because there's such a thing as privacy and the kind Chief Grey signed off on," he replied cryptically. The doors slid shut, "Sorry.""Two in the clinic, Shepherd," Miranda raised a brow, "And you can tell Chief Grey-"Derek shook his head, "Hey, you recommended her. She was your successor. It wasn't just my doing.""Whatever," she brushed him off, "Although, in the short time she's been chief, this hospital has thrived. She helped revamp the clinic, the interns need a little help but hey, it's getting back on its feet. I'd say I recommended the right person."Derek smiled as her former mentor gave her approval.Bailey's smile slowly vanished. A glimmer of realization crossed her features, "Oh no, I remember that face."Derek's brows furrowed in confusion,"What face? What do you mean?""It's the same face you make when you know something. When you're hiding something big. You had it last year when-," Bailey's tone shifted, her voice filled with sadness and disbelief.She pressed the emergency button in the elevator, coming to a stop and turning to face Derek, "You're leaving Grey Sloan."Derek's stomach churned with mix emotions. Last year was a mess. He and Meredith had turned in their notices and had officially decided to step down only for the hospital to end up in fire. They stayed with no regrets.This year, their decision was not solely up to them."We flew out to Boston and to New York to scope out schools for Zola and uh, she liked the school in Boston," Derek pressed his lips together as he leaned against the wall behind him, his gaze steady"And it just so happens that The Avery Foundation has offered an opportunity for Meredith and myself. We can't say no because everything is lining up for us to leave."Miranda stared at him, her expression a mix of wonder and concern. Though the woman was petite in size, she commanded the most respect. And she had earned it. She was driven, focused, and gave everything she could to each of her patients. She was wise and was never one to mince her words. Derek knew that well."You're not leaving just for jobs," she said in a whisper, her voice carrying the weight of understanding, "You're leaving for your little girl.Derek smiled. Bailey had put him in his place many times. She'd been a friend and mentor to Meredith. And a constant voice of consciousness in both their minds. He trusted her wholeheartedly."You once told me all of this meant nothing if I was alone," Derek reminded her, "I've got a wife and I've got kids, and you know better than anyone how hard it was for Meredith and I to get our crap together.""I know," Miranda grimaced, "Doesn't mean I have to like it."Derek snorted before his face softened once more, "Our kids deserve every chance we can give them. And moving is what's best for them. Especially Zo. She doesn't deserve to worry about her parents the way she has. She deserved better.""You're really leaving," she stated in wonder, "This time for real.""I can't speak for Meredith," Derek swallowed, "I know she'll want to talk to you in person about what she's doing but yes. We are.""Derek Shepherd." Miranda chuckled. She turned back and released the emergency button once more. The elevator hummed as it continued its trek, "I once thought you were just an arrogant neurosurgeon who had lots of hair, too many women, liked elevators and long walks at the beach.""Yeah, well, I hope times have changed that," Derek laughed heartily.As the elevator doors opened, Bailey released a heavy sigh, "You're doing the right thing, you know?""You think so?" Derek stuffed his hands into the pockets of his coat as his thoughts drifted to the uncertainties ahead."I do," she affirmed with a nod, "You and Grey didn't go through all that hell to not have a happy ending."The world of Ellis Grey Shepherd had been quite simple. Her family had been a haven of love and comfort, a place where her sister's perfection, her brother's kindness, and her parents' unwavering affection had enveloped her.But then her sister was scared of things Ellis just couldn't understand yet. And her brother was in a car accident. And before that, Mom and Dad had been traveling to another state to work. Now, her family had decided to move to a completely new place. A different state where she would be in a new school, have to make new friends, and have a new house. She'd have to leave her beloved treehouse behind.Her world had changed.But that was okay, because messiness was normal, like in Tessa's world. Tessa had lost her parents. Tessa had lost her home. Tessa's world was a little messier than Ellis' world but Tessa didn't let it make it her meaner. She stood up for herself and tried to treat everyone with kindness. Tessa's world changed but she was okay.If Tessa would be okay, so would she, Ellis figured. No wonder her mom loved the books."Are you almost done?" Meredith stepped into the room and stared at the blonde girl lost in the world of words she was reading.Ellis smiled as she looked up from her book. Her hair was still slightly damp from her shower and she hid inside the small corner tent, "I need two more chapters and I'm done.""You finished it very quickly," Meredith smiled as she settled onto the bed, the flower-detailed comforter haphazardly askew, embodying the balance between bedtime and the allure of stories that had become a nightly ritual for her daughter, "You really like them don't you?"Ellis nodded enthusiastically before her mother patted the bed, quietly indicating that it was time for her slumber. Ellis groaned slightly before pushing herself off the floor and making her way to the bed. Meredith helped her push the comforter and blankets down. She watched curiously as Ellis gripped onto the book as she settled in.Meredith snuggled in, "Want me to read? Just a bit?"Ellis nodded before she passed her the book and snuggled next to her mother, "Why don't they have a happy ending?"Meredith flipped through the tattered book, contemplating the question, "You know, I used to ask myself that every time I finished a book.""Is it because happy endings don't exist?"Meredith had always thought happy endings were crap. They didn't exist. They were elusive constructs, an illusion, a facade that hid the realities of pain, loss, and imperfection. If they did, her mother wouldn't have resented her or had Alzheimer's. Her father wouldn't have left. And her children wouldn't know any pain.But that was just life. Wasn't it?Meredith wrapped her arms around her daughter and pressed her lips lovingly on her forehead, "I don't think that's why, Ellis. I think it's because the author can't get enough of writing them so she always leaves the door open for more.""Did you used to read them a lot?" Ellis looked at her with wide eyes.Meredith giggled, "I used to wear red sneakers to school because I loved Tessa so much. I read them every chance I got. Over and over again."Ellis sighed."Want to know a secret?"The blonde girl nodded enthusiastically."Tessa Hobbes, the author of the books, is my patient.""She is?" Ellis excitedly widened her eyes as she sat up, "Wait, is she sick?""She is," Meredith sighed, "But, that's why she came to me. So I can help her.""Are you gonna ask her to sign some books? Wait, if I draw her a picture to thank her, can you please give it to her?"Meredith laughed, "Yes, I can. And maybe if she is up for it, I will ask her to sign some books.""That's so cool mom," Ellis beamed as she snuggled back next to her, "Mom, can I get red sneakers?"Meredith smiled and nodded before Ellis snuggled closer and wrapped her arm around her. Meredith relished in the warm little body embracing her and opened the book. Her voice gently read every word in the remaining chapters. Ellis listened, hypnotized by the way her mother eloquently transported her to another realm. To a realm where the girl wasn't always happy. Where she could be angry and upset. And it was still okay because she could apologize and make things right."...So maybe things don't happen the way we always want them to," Meredith read, "Sometimes they happen because there's something left to learn."Meredith gently shut the book and turned to the small blonde next to her. She wormed her way off the bed and set the bed next on the nightstand. She pulled up the covers and pressed her lips on her daughter's forehead."I love you, Mommy," Ellis mumbled as she shuffled slightly.Meredith smiled before whispering, "I love you too, Ellie-Belle."Her little girl could be so much like her sometimes. Intelligent, witty, observant, quiet, and stubborn. But the difference between the two would be that Ellis would always know for certain the depth of her mother's love."Hey, what are you doing here? Bails said you were going to the aquarium today," Lucas stepped out of the surgical ward and took a seat across from his uncle."I got paged for an emergency craniotomy," Derek put his shoe into one blue bootie, "Are you still on Lincoln's case? How's the wing glider?""Sam? He's stable" Lucas answered, "Had a scare earlier but he's good.""You're not in over your head, right?" Derek looked up at him as he slipped on the second bootie. His blue scrub cap was already firmly tied to his head."No, I'm fine. He should be discharged to a rehab facility soon if everything stays stable," Lucas grinned quickly, "Hey can I ask you something?""Yeah."Lucas placed his elbows on his knees and leaned forward. He asked quietly, "What's gonna happen when you leave?""Shep-""This isn't about me, it's about the program. I keep getting questions from everyone else. They keep asking me if I know anything about the probation status and I keep telling them the truth, I don't know anything," Lucas shook his head, "But I know you're leaving- and I get why- I respect it- but look I just think that the sooner you tell them-""Dr. Adams" Derek looked up, "I'm still the director of the residency program. When or if that changes, I will make sure to let our chief know first and then I will announce it to those I need to announce it to. Got it?""Yes, Dr. Shepherd," Lucas stood from his place and made his way out. The exchange between teacher and student was a reminder of the hierarchy that defined their professional interactions.Another intern pushed her way in and sat in front of him, "Dr. Shepherd, please, please-""Dr. Millin, the answer remains the same," he sighed as he stood up, "You are off this case for good.""We are not related. I rented out a room from her-" Jules quickly explained. The desperation in her voice was palpable. She was close to this woman. She cared for her just like her family."Listen I get the need for you to be in there, I do," Derek insisted, "But you cannot be in there and act objectively- I can't act objectively if I have you in there.""With all due respect, Dr. Shepherd," Jules insisted, "Everyone here is close. Everyone here has a personal stake that doesn't let them always act objectively."Derek didn't budge no matter how much truth weighed in her argument."The best thing you can do is wait for her and pray or meditate or do what you need to but go wait. I got her," he gently rubbed her shoulder before walking through the double doors, "When a surgeon is too close to a case, he'll make every mistake in the book because you're thinking about what you need, not what your patient needs."The leather bound books were once journals that belonged to a magnificent surgeon. To a complicated woman that wanted everything and had nothing but a surgical legacy to her name. And the more Meredith read those journals, the less the void was. The journals had allowed her to move forward and close wounds that Ellis had left open for her and Maggie.But now, those journals had turned to ashes. They were nonexistent. It was time to let Ellis Grey go in peace once and for all. And the pain that came with it. This time, with certainty.The little girl needed to find her happy ending and accept it once and for all.Maggie had left almost a week ago and her absence had been sorely felt. A third of the sister chiefs was missing and the Grey-Shepherd's impending move kept them busy. There were positions that needed to be filled, interns that needed attention, meetings, upcoming house hunting, and their regular day to day obligations.Life just never seemed to slow down."Hey," Derek opened the front room. He removed his coat and hung it on the rack, a tired smile gracing his features, "You're still up? I thought you'd be in bed by now.""I wanted to wait for you," Meredith jumped slightly before smiling as he reached over the couch to gently kiss her before making his way to the kitchen."How was the rest of your day?""I had no idea what the hell was going on throughout the entire thing, but the kids enjoyed it and that's what matters," She explained as she heard him shuffle about the kitchen. Derek chuckled to himself before she continued, "The kids tried staying up but they were wiped. How's your patient? Everything went well?"He exhaled loudly,"She is stable, thankfully. Turns out, she is close to Millin, so Bailey and I kicked her off the case.""You're kidding?""Wish I was," he tossed his keys on the counter carelessly. His eyes caught the journals, notes, and tablet sitting on her lap, "Are you working on the case you told me about? The writer with chronic pancreatitis?"She'd been sitting on the couch rereading charts and journals for an upcoming case since the kids had been sent to bed. She knew the chart back and forth and she could do the procedure with her eyes closed- though she'd never suggest it- so her eyes just stared at the black ink ridden pages as her mind wandered.She turned her head and watched as he made his way to pour himself a glass of the wine she'd left on the counter. Derek smiled at her before meandering his way over."Yes, Tessa," Meredith exhaled as the couch slightly moved when he flopped on it, "We've tried everything over the last few months and this is our hail mary. I asked Bailey to scrub in with me."Derek sighed as he read the notes she tossed to the side, "When's the surgery?""First thing Monday," Meredith casually answered as she shifted on the couch. She shuffled through her notes and shook her head, "I've gone over every detail of this case and I cannot-"Derek interrupted, "You're an excellent surgeon and she could not be in better hands.""You have to say that. You're my husband and I'm your boss," Meredith smiled lightly before he reached over and pressed his lips gently on hers, "And you were my teacher so if I fail it's technically your fault.""I mean it, you know that," he whispered before pulling back, "And you're not gonna fail. You okay?"Meredith looked through the copies of Tessa's scan. Any miniscule mistake could cost Tessa her life. Any mistake from Meredith's hand would rob her of any happy ending. She shut the tablet in her hands and tossed it alongside her notes onto the table."It's a complicated surgery and my mind is just everywhere right now, I can't-," She exhaled, "I'm just distracted.""Okay, well you can't be distracted while you prepare for this. So whatever is in your mind, get it out now. What's going on?," he reminded her. A surgeon's concentration needed to be focused and compartmentalization wasn't always their strong suit.Their feelings inevitably intertwined with their cases. Sometimes it was for the better. It made them fight that much harder for their patient. And sometimes, it amplified the pain in the face of losing a patient they had grown attached to. It was a dilemma many doctors faced and Meredith couldn't afford any distractions."The other night, when I went to the old house to help Maggie pack," she sighed, "We tossed my mother's journals in the fireplace. All of them."For a minute, he's filled with shock. He could still remember when he'd found the first journal. Her annoyed look and his fear that she was ready to kick him out of her house. Instead, she'd offered to clear out Ellis' office. Weeks later, he'd opened a box full of black leather journals and Meredith would start on a journey that she wasn't so sure she wanted to go on.But now it looked like she'd finally reached its end."Why? You and those journals-you go back to them-"As his gaze met hers, he could sense an unmistakable transformation within her. The subtle shift in her eyes conveyed a newfound tranquility, an air of resolution that seemed to emanate from the depths of her being. It was as though the act of releasing those journals had also unshackled her from a burden she had silently carried for an eternity."I let her go," Meredith shrugged.
The carousel never stops turning.
The nonexistent relationship between Meredith and her mother had always been complicated. She had admired her as a surgeon but had resented her for making Meredith's childhood some sort of emotional hell. She was a woman who was in love with a demanding career and with a man who's professional jealousy was greater than his own love for her. And Meredith had been collateral damage, left behind in the dust to tend to herself.She pushed herself off the end of the couch she'd been leaning against and crawled her way towards Derek. Instinctively, he opened his arms, welcoming her into her personal refuge. A sanctuary he provided where she'd always be safe. Her arms wrapped around him and her ear was pressed against his chest. It was such an intimate thing he could provide, safety in his arms. She could feel him softly hum, completely content with holding her and grateful she was opening up even if it took her time to get there."You've never been your mother," Derek whispered, "You know that right?""I know," Meredith smiled."What about the night before?" Derek asked with a whisper, "Why did you say that you were waiting to pay the price for a happy ending?""I was scared," she could feel her pulse rate increase knowing fully well what night he was talking about, "I thought about all the times we've tried to leave before and how something always stops us or something terrible happens and I got scared. I'm still scared. And I know you want to promise everything is gonna be fine but we don't know that. We never know that."The weight of uncertainty bore down on her words, the truth of their unpredictable lives hanging heavy in the air. Their journey had been one of triumphs and tragedies, moments of joy and heart-wrenching losses. The unpredictability of their past was a constant reminder that even the best-laid plans could be shattered by unforeseen circumstances.Derek's arms around her offered a cocoon of comfort, his touch a soothing balm against the anxiety that gripped her. He pressed a tender kiss to the top of her head, his fingers tracing soothing patterns along her back as he listened to her fears.His arms rubbed her back soothingly."Maybe Maggie was onto something," Meredith mumbled."What?""I think we need to leave for Boston sooner rather than later," Meredith exhaled, "We keep saying we're waiting because of the kids but they're ready. They know it's happening and the faster we get Zo the help she needs the better."Boston had been a move for her mother's sake all those years ago. It was a means to escape from the heartbreak the affair with Richard Webber had left. But for Meredith, it'd be a means to mend what was broken within her. And for her children, it would mean a new start. A fresh beginning where their parents would carve paths for their flourishing future. Where they felt safe."Are you sure? The program still hasn't-""We're not leaving for us," she insisted, "This is for our kids.""Okay," Derek whispered as he kissed her gently.They sat in comfortable silence. Relishing the warmth in each other's arms.She sighed against him, "You're gonna get rid of the trailer aren't you?"That trailer had its own history. It's own meaning and held something sacred for the both of them and for Derek.He'd arrived from New York a broken hearted man, lost and confused. He bought the trailer, a piece of land, took a job in a hospital with his former mentor and hid away from everyone else that knew him. It was a fresh start. A new beginning."I'm not gonna get rid of anything until you're ready," his answer was reassuring and yet she knew that it couldn't go with them to Boston. And it'd been forever since anyone had properly lived in it.She could still remember the first time he had taken her to the land. She had been insistent on knowing more about him. Derek Shepherd had been mysterious and deflected every personal question. She'd been deflective too, but at the very least, she had shown him her home. She wasn' even sure if he had one at the time. He told her to take things on faith and Meredith Grey wasn't known for doing just that. Until she'd hopped in his car and let him take her to an obscure piece of land.But, he was right. Yes there was fondness in there, but there was also pain. He had forced himself to try to make things right with his ex-wife and had tried to fix a permanently broken marriage. Addison was miserable there. He was miserable."I think you should sell it if you don't want to pass it down to Lucas," she caressed his arm gently and sighed, "I-I think that'll be okay.""Are you sure?" he could sense the apprehension in her voice and the determination to move onto the unknown. She wasn't known for going along with change, but she was trying."Yeah, I think so," Meredith shifted in his arms to look at him."Well," Derek sighed, "I guess that means one thing."She furrowed her brows before tilting her head to meet his. Her green eyes widened with wonder, "What?""We have to decide on a home in Boston.""Tessa Hobbes, 68, diagnosed twelve months ago with chronic pancreatitis. All medical and endoscopic attempts at treatment have been ineffective. Today she will undergo a whipple procedure to resect the damaged parts of the pancreas- and I'm a huge fan too."Meredith chuckled before Miranda turned to her silently questioning her."Ms. Hobbes is an author of a series of books and she is practically Seattle royalty," Meredith explained, "How do you not-?""Oh the Tessa books! Tucker read a few of those when he was younger. I read a few too," Bailey recalled before she turned to Meredith, "Let me guess, you're a fan?""Are you kidding? She's the reason why I wore red sneakers all throughout third grade! Ms. Hobbes wrote about-""It's Tessa," her patient insisted, "And I have your books ready. Zola, Bailey and Ellis. That's all of them, right?"Meredith reached for the book and excitedly glanced through them, "Yes, thank you, Ms. Hobbes-""Tessa!""Right," Meredith held the books tightly to her chest, "Tessa I do feel it necessary to reiterate that this is a tricky surgery. Are you sure you want to go through with it?""Oh, I am so sick, I am ready for this surgery," Tessa nodded, "And I'm prepared for every outcome. Besides I have an idea for a book so please do your best and save my life okay!""You sure you don't want to postpone and write your book?" Bailey asked."My story is not finished yet," Tessa insisted."We're gonna do everything we can. Our interns, Dr. Adams and Dr. Griffith, are going to prep you and we'll see you in the OR," Meredith smiled.She and Bailey stepped out of the room, "I'm guessing you have every single book of hers?""Uh, the kids do," Meredith sighed slightly embarrassed, "We gave Zola an entire set last Christmas and she devoured them and Bailey read them right after she did. And I gave Ellis an old set of mine after Derek found them in the attic."Bailey studied her, "You're not too close to this-""No, I'm not," Meredith shook her head confidently, "I know my limits, Dr. Bailey.""Alright, Chief," Bailey feigned a salute towards her."She's been stable all night," Kwan read her chart out loud as Derek and the rest of the interns paid close attention. Derek kept a close eye on Millin who had cornered herself in punishment. Her worry and fear was evident in her eyes."Okay," Derek nodded, "Keep up with the neuro checks, and don't let her get up without a nurse in the room."The interns nodded as they shuffled out of the room and headed for the next one."Uh, Dr. Shepherd?""Yeah?" Derek turned to Kwan as they continued their trek."How do you know?" Kwan asked, "When you get too close to a patient?"Derek sighed, "When you know the right thing is to let them go, but you can't because it'll hurt you when they do.""Sounds unfair.""It is," Derek nodded, "Death's unfair. You okay?""I lost my mother in the middle of my residency. It's why I quit midway," Kwan confessed as he stopped in the middle of the hallway. The other residents stepped into the room, "I understand what Millin is going through.""She's gonna need you. As her friend, not her loved one's doctor," Derek squeezed his shoulder.Kwan nodded, "I'll page you if with an update."Derek nodded with approval as he joined the rest of the interns in the next patient's room.Lucas watched Derek stand next to his fellow attendings with his arms across his chest. He could feel the pressure from the other two attendings awaiting his full report. Dr. Lincoln and Dr. Hunt nodded in acknowledgment to their longtime colleague and friend."Alright, Dr. Adams," Link nodded, "You're up.""Sam Sutton, 42, post-op day seven," Lucas read out loud, "Post upper and lower limb fracture repairs and right lower extremity gastroc flap. All Doppler signals are strong, there's no sign of infection, and-""And?" the patient asked, his voice enveloped with a mixture of anticipation and anxiety."He will be released to Seattle Rehab Clinic this afternoon," Lucas's smile was genuine, reflecting his satisfaction in delivering positive news."Oh, thank God," Sam sighed with relief, "I really, really want to get out of here. No offense."Derek nodded proudly as Lincoln offered instructions. He noticed how Lucas stood proudly at the front of the bed. He'd had some major losses over the last few weeks and his confidence had taken a hit. This was a win he could proudly hang his hat on. A complicated case that would surely be in medical journals in the upcoming weeks.Derek couldn't help but feel proud for the young doctor."Alright," Lincoln nodded once more, "I think that's it from us for now. We're keeping an eye on you and we'll be back later to discharge."The doctors exited the room together."Any word on the residency program?" Owen asked quietly as the intern exited the room.Derek looked around before shaking his head softly, "I hope we get word soon."Owen shook his head, "You know, I was certain you and Grey would pack your bags and leave when it got suspended last year.""Why?""Well, because it always seemed like you two outgrew this place years ago. That's why Cristina left," he shrugged, "I'm glad you didn't. I'm glad it's her as chief and you as director. You make a hell of a team."Derek smiled, "Thanks.""Fishing? Next week? I know he's not in the best spirits but I'll let Winston know?" Owen offered as he trekked back to the opposite end of the hallway.Derek nodded before he made his way towards the elevator. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and flipped through it. It'd been weeks. Weeks with no word or hint. Weeks without knowing if he'd failed or if he'd succeeded. He refreshed his screen only to find no new emails in his inbox. With frustration, he slammed the wall of the elevator.The program needed to be removed off of probation. Soon."Tessa," Meredith smiled from the door, "I'm here to check in. They should be in here to take you to the OR.""Oh, Dr. Grey," Tessa smiled, "I signed books for your kids but I never-""Oh, I have some, thank you," Meredith smiled, "We've met before actually. Before my mother moved us out to Boston, you read one of your first books at the local library. She took me and I heard you read it and you signed it after.""Ah, a true fan," Tessa smiled, "And now your kids are reading them.""My oldest finished them and so did my son, but the not so little one is right in the middle of the series," Meredith shared, "They're all going through some tough changes right now and I read them when I was having a messy childhood. I'm hoping they find some comfort in Tessa's stories like I did""I'm glad," Tessa smiled, "It makes me feel proud of what I've done. So much so that I have an idea for one more book. I even have a name for it. Tessa and the Rising Sun.""We can postpone this if you'd rather-""Are you kidding? I'd be in so much more pain if I postpone," Tessa sighed before wincing."I know I'm your doctor, and I know that I sound completely unprofessional but in the spirit of honesty and the fact that my daughters will probably hate me if I don't ask-""You may ask, Dr. Grey," Tessa chuckled."You never wrote a happy ending for Tessa," Meredith stuffed both her hands in her pocket."I'm sorry?""A happy ending. For Tessa," Meredith shrugged, "There's always this open ended ending and I always thought it was because you were waiting to write the next one but will she? Will she have a happy ending?"It almost felt as if she was asking the question for herself. Would she have a happy ending the way those old fairy tales told them? Would she finally be perfectly content?"I'm not one for happy endings. Tessa smiled, her eyes were filled with wisdom, "I tell children the truth. In a way that helps them hear it. And sometimes, life deals us with unfair cards and sometimes we get a happy lot. Life is messy.""And kids need messy stories," Meredith nodded in understanding."Kids need messy stories!" Tessa agreed, "And they need to know that just because it's messy, we pick ourselves up and keep going.""Will Tessa get a happy ending?"Tessa's eyes sparkled with mischief, "You're gonna have to read it to find out, Dr. Grey,""Uh, Dr. Grey," Simone interrupted from the door, "Sorry, we're uh, we're ready for her.""I'm gonna get to write that book right?"The two attendings stood side by side and watched as Tessa was being prepped. The silence was omitted by the sound of the running water."So Boston?' Bailey quietly asked."You know?" Meredith turned to her, "How did- who?"Miranda raised a brow. By now, she expected that Meredith knew better. She was Dr. Bailey, she knew everything that was happening in the hospital one way or another."Derek," Meredith's face tightened, "He wasn't supposed to tell you yet. I wanted to tell you.""Man can't keep his mouth shut if he wanted to," Miranda laughed."I'm not leaving the hospital in shambles. I'm not-""I know," Miranda nodded, "It's getting there. It's better than it was a year ago.Meredith nodded as she continued scrubbing, "I didn't think I'd do it. Much less move out to Boston. I still don't know if it's the right thing half of the time because Bailey has so much going on here, and Derek built Ellis that ginormous treehouse she begged him for. And I'm getting a big job out of it. I don't know, maybe this will all backfire.""Sometimes we do things for our children that we don't expect," Miranda shrugged, "They tell us it's easy. They tell us women we can do everything- and we can- not perfectly but we try. And when something goes wrong, we are harder on ourselves than anyone else. And still, the world points at you and says you are failing."Meredith shut the valve off and listened carefully."The truth is," Miranda shrugged, "We go by instinct. Sometimes it all goes right and sometimes we trip and fall. But your instinct is telling you it will go right. And if you fall, well, you, Meredith Grey, sure as hell know how to get yourself- and your kids- back up.""Well my instinct is telling me that I have to do this," Meredith smiled, "Not just for my kids but for me as well."The two women had been through a lot together. They'd seen a lot and had been on opposite ends and forces united on multiple occasions. Miranda Bailey had been Meredith Grey's mentor and friend. To hear her give an approval of sorts was something Meredith didn't know she needed."I was wrong for blaming you last year, I know that," Miranda turned off the valve, silencing the running water, and turned to Meredith."You are doing the right thing. For your kids and for yourself.""Thank you," Meredith smiled as she watched her mentor walk away.Meredith stared into the OR through the clear glass and watched as they prepared the final arrangements. Her hands would be the hands that determined Tessa's fate. She would be the one to give her a second chance or take it away. To give her another chapter, or write it's end.She stepped into the OR and thanked the nurse who handed her the towel to dry off. The nurse helped her into her sterile gloves and sterile gown. A seamless ritual performed by the people in the room until they released the ties when Meredith was ready. She stepped next to the table and took a deep breath in.Meredith held her hand up, "Scalpel."She pressed on the skin and watched as the blood indicated she had opened her patient. Memories and thoughts flowed through Meredith's mind.Her first patient Katie Bryce. She'd been a pain in the ass. Cristina had wanted in on the surgery and Meredith had promised her to help with the condition that she not scrub in. That promise went out the window when a certain attending told her to follow through on her patient till the end.She thought about Izzy and George. How they were both gifted surgeons and how their downfall had been something she had never expected.And Alex who'd turned out to be nothing like the jackass frat boy who called her a nurse.
The seven years you spend here as a surgical resident will be the best and worst of your life. You will be pushed to the breaking point. Look around you. Say hello to your competition
And then came Jackson and April who had been more than competition. They had been intruders, pushing their way in and threatening their careers.
Eight of you will switch to an easier specialty.
Five will crack under the pressure. Two of you will be asked to leave. This is your starting line. This is your arena. How well you play, that's up to you
There were five interns, five residents and one by one, they had left leaving her alone.Leaving her the last one standing.She had won the game.With steady hands, Meredith navigated the delicate terrain of Tessa's anatomy, determined to ensure that Tessa won her own.In the gallery, Derek sat with his tablet in hands. He watched carefully as Meredith maneuvered through the intricate surgery. It'd been a while since he'd been in the gallery on his own. Lately, it was often filled with interns and visitors. Colleagues and others who were attentive to the surgeons below. Grey Sloan Memorial was known for its brilliant surgeons. It'd seen the career beginnings of the likes of Cristina Yang and Callie Torres. It'd opened its doors to brilliant surgeons like Addison Montgomery and Arizona Robbins. And had been named after two brilliant forces, Lexie Grey and Mark Sloan.This was no simple hospital. And the doctor below was no common doctor. She was brilliant. Dedicated. Invested. And one of the damn best."Shep!"Derek's head snapped towards the door and smiled at the doctor, "You know you're the only one who still calls me that."Richard chuckled, "I thought I read the gallery was closed.""I'm the exception. I'm always the exception," Derek chuckled as Richard took a seat next to him, "Why are you here?""Oh you know," Richard shrugged, "Retirement is boring."The pair chuckled."I, uh, wanted to ask if you'd heard anything about the program yet?"Derek shook his head, "Nothing yet.""This is my legacy Derek," Richard stared at him, "And yours. And Meredith's. And every surgeon that came out of this program. I know you've got one foot in and one foot out but-""I haven't heard anything. And trust me, it's just as frustrating to me as it is for you," Derek nodded, "I know how much it matters. I know it's what's made our hospital what it is.""You let me know-""You'll be the first to know," Derek nodded, "Besides the chief."Richard nodded, "How've you been doing? You seem to be handling it well.""I'm moving my kids and wife off to Boston, my sister almost spiraled, my sister-in-law moved states, and my nephew is pushing my buttons but my kids are doing slightly better but Zo's anxiety is something that still has me worried," Derek shrugged, "Other than that, I'm doing great.""Lucas is still struggling?"Derek nodded, "He lost a few patients and he took it really hard. The case he's on now is complex-""The wing glider?" Richard asked. Derek furrowed his brows at the knowledge Richard had. The man had retired over a year ago and yet it seemed like he'd never left."Yeah him," Derek shrugged, "I think he's too close to it. I'm worried that it'll be a breaking point for him if something happens."Richard studied him carefully, "You had a patient once. I don't remember his name but he was in his mid 40s. Had two daughters and was married. There was a shooting incident out in the city that night and he was struck by one of the bullets. There was little to no hope and I remember Hamilton said you wouldn't stop CPR. It was one of the first patients that died-""Tomas Gonzalez," Derek blurted as he turned to Richard, "His mom wouldn't stop screaming in the waiting room after we delivered the news. I didn't leave until she calmed down.""It changed you," Richard nodded, "You were too close to the case and it hardened just a little. I didn't understand then, but now that I know you and Amelia better, I understand why.""My father," Derek curtly answered the unasked question, "It reminded me of my father. I felt like I had something to prove and I failed.""Maybe this case is that way for Lucas?"Derek smiled appreciative at his mentor's words. Maybe he was right. Maybe he'd been the one who was too close and wasn't giving Lucas any room to breathe.The pair looked down to the surgeon's work below. Meredith looked up at her intern and provided instructions, her hands moving about as she moved step by step. An intricate dance that promised a future."She's pretty great isn't she?" Richard observed."Yeah," Derek smiled, "She is.""You paged me?"Amelia nodded as she watched her brother walk into the OR, "Thought you'd want in on this with me. And it could possibly be one of the final surgeries by the Shepherd Super Surgeons.""Shut up," Derek shook his head with a chuckle, his eyes scanning the CT scans before him "What do you got?""Lindsey Allen," Amelia gestured towards the CT images displayed, "She tripped and fell in the shower and by the looks of it, the fall caused the metal instrumentation from her previous spinal fusion to break off.""C1 and C2 are compressing the spinal cord?",his gaze studied the images closely."Looks like it," Amelia nodded, "I'm thinking we go in for a revision and release the pressure?""I think so," Derek nodded, "Anyone waiting on her?""Her brother is in the waiting room," Amelia informed him. As the monitors loaded additional scans, the machine's whirring filled the room, "Seems like a pain in the ass.""Maybe he's just a protective older brother.""Still a pain in the ass," Amelia scoffed teasingly as the images loaded, "Aw crap. There is soft tissue edema and stranding and mid atlanto-axial displacement."Derek searched through the tablet, "That's because she has eosinophilia. Look at her labs.""Dammit," Amelia muttered, "Lindsay is allergic to the metal they used to stabalize her spine. We have to take the screws and plates have to come out."Derek exhaled, "We can't do this revision."Amelia offered, "We have to try to fuse her C1 and C2 vertebrae together.""With what?" Derek asked."What if we 3D print a matrix of coral and STEM cells. Her body can use it as a scaffold to fuse the vertebrae without any metal.""What Kai was working on?" Derek raised his brows, a mix of surprise and skepticism etched on his face, "Amy, that's too risky.""Oh, cut the crap, you made a career out of risks, I mean it's your surgical legacy. You have that big ass tumor on your wall. One of the biggest tumors of your career!," Amelia insisted."You just broke things off with them-""This isn't about me. It's about Lindsey. We can't just leave her paralyzed," Amelia scoffed, "She shares a duplex with her brother, he does everything for her, she just wanted to do one thing on her own. Just one! We cannot give up. It's not like us! It's not what we do!"Derek recognized Amelia's need to help her patient, "It's gonna take us a few hours to get it printed.""I can get on a call with Kai right now," Amelia insisted, "C'mon Derek, trust me."Derek sighed, "Alright hot-shot, let's go.""What am I concerned about?" Meredith whispered as Griffith adjusted her notes on her charts.""You're concerned about the JP output," Griffith turned to her and explained, "Which means that if it drops below 7, we need to transfuse.""Exactly. Monitor closely and keep me updated," Meredith ordered. She made her way to the door before turning around, "How's your grandmother?"Simone turned to her and smiled, "Not great. Her condition worsened. She still thinks I'm my mother and it's just terrible.""I heard you're engaged," Meredith smiled as she thought back to the news her husband had shared with her."Yeah, I guess so," Simone swallowed a lump in her throat. Meredith could see the slight hesitation in her eyes."Yeah, I guess so," Simone swallowed a lump in her throat. Meredith could see the slight hesitation in her eyes."You're not sure about it, are you? Your choice? To marry him?""Is it that obvious?""Believe it or not I'm quite familiar with love triangles," Meredith raised a brow as she thought about the triangles in her life. She'd been raised in one. She fell in love with her husband in one.Simone giggled softly, "Yeah, I've heard the stories."The Legend of Meredith and Derek would be forever woven into the fabric of Grey Sloan Memorial."He was married," Meredith sighed, "And he chose his wife- which was probably the right thing to do or not. It wasn't black and white. But, he chose her because-"
It's good that you're trying. You wouldn't be you if you weren't the kind of person who was trying to make it work.
You think so?
Yeah. It means I wasn't wrong about you.
"We wasted so much time," Meredith shook her head at the memory, "I dated a man who seemed like the right guy- because he hadn't hurt me- and Derek walked away. And we wasted even more time."And then there was so much more that happened afterwards. Sex and mockery. A surgical nurse. A clinical trial. A house of candles.Time wasted until it wasn't."My point here, Griffith is," Meredith reached for her tablet, "Don't waste your time doing the right thing.""Dr. Grey?""Use it to write your own damn happy ending," Meredith smirked, "Whatever that looks like.""You're 3D printing a matrix? How did you pull this off?" Meredith burst through lab doors and made her way towards where her husband and sister-in-law stood. She studied the intricate machinery as it worked, "Are you operating today?""That's the plan," Amelia answered as she looked up from her notes, exhaustion and excitement mixed in her eyes, "I called Kai and managed to get them to help with the printing and if all goes well we can do the surgery. The faster we go in, the better."Meredith glanced at her husband. He shrugged. He knew nothing more than she did about her sister's romantic woes. But this seemed like a turn in the right direction.Derek grimaced, "Which means-""You will not be making it home to dinner tonight," Meredith quirked an eyebrow knowingly, a playful smirk tugging at the corners of her lips. "Which means I'll have the pleasure of dealing with a trio of cranky Little Grey Shepherds."Amelia glanced at the pair, "Why? They're pretty good at understanding-""I don't know, It's the second day in a row," Meredith smirked as she recognized Derek's apologetic look. He hated disappointing his children, "I'm teasing, they do understand, they're pretty great about it. Have you heard anything from Jamarah Blake?""Everyone seems to be asking that today," Derek pressed his lips together as he shook his head, "Nothing yet. I'll let you know as soon as I do."The neurosurgeons' phones rang as incoming pages arrived."Lindsay's brother has some questions," Amelia rolled her eyes as she made her way to the door, "I'll go talk to him.""Go easy on him, he's worried," Derek shook his head. He empathized with the man. Derek knew what it was like to be the doctor waiting for a medical miracle."He is hovering," Amelia turned to him, "She wants the surgery. She wants a chance. Our duty is to give her the chance and he needs to let us."Derek sighed as he watched her turn back to the door and make her way out.Meredith's gaze lingered on her husband, "You're worried about her.""I'm always worried about her," Derek turned back to his wife, "How's your patient?""She's stable," Meredith smiled, "It was a hard surgery and almost everything that could go wrong almost went wrong but she'll be able to write her next book.""Next book?""She asked us to make sure she made it out of the surgery because she had an idea for her next book," Meredith smirked."Mmm," Derek continued to monitor the printer before Meredith's voice pulled him from his thoughts."The brick house."Derek furrowed his brow, "What are you talking about? What brick house?""The house with the brick exterior, and the cozy nook in the living room. With a nice archway that leads to the kitchen and the mud room in the back-"Derek leaned both of his palms against the counter, he pressed his lips together in a tight grin picturing the house, "The one in Dover?""Yeah," Meredith curtly answered, "That one."Derek's curiosity piqued, "What about it?""It has a vast yard. Maybe not as big as what we have but it's enough. Bailey would say it's enough-""And?""There are five bedrooms," Meredith paced back and forth the room, "Plenty of room for the five of us, like Zo said.""Uh-huh.""And there's a small treehouse in the yard," Meredith shrugged, "It's small, nothing close to what you built Ellis but knowing you, you'll probably scrap it and start from scratch.""What the baby girl wants, the baby girl gets," he chuckled.Meredith giggled before it died down, a sigh escaping her lips. She stopped pacing and stood across the counter, "And it's distant enough. And private like you enjoy."He smiled. She knew him well and knew why he'd distanced himself out in the land. The quiet. The silence. The peace. The solace."I knew it was our house the minute I scrolled through those photos," Meredith confessed, "I just wasn't ready to be ready."Derek nodded as he made his way around towards her, "What about the bathtub?"Meredith smiled, "Oh, you're gonna have to replace the sorry excuse for a tub they have in that master suite."Derek laughed heartily as pulled her closer, "What my wife wants, my wife gets."Her arms snaked around his neck.He pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, "Although you do know we don't have the final word-""Yeah, I'm very well aware we're outnumbered," Meredith giggled as she pressed a kiss on his lips, "I should probably start heading home. You'll be here late.""Mmhm," Derek smiled as she pulled away and walked towards the door."So wait a second," he furrowed his brow.Meredith turned from the door and held it open, "What?""Did I just witness what could be your very last surgery at Grey Sloan?" Derek couldn't help the grin on his face.Meredith's eyes widened playfully and grinned before she made her way out."He's not coming home again?" Zola asked as her mother pulled into the driveway.Meredith turned off the engine and turned to face her daughter, her expression softened. "He's helping Aunt Amelia with a surgery, Zo," she explained with a casual shrug. "He wasn't thrilled about missing dinner again either, but he promised to make it home by your bedtime if he manages to get out on time.""If he gets out on time," Bailey echoed as he opened the door and stepped off the car."He's not gonna make it on time," Ellis added as she followed her brother off the vehicle. The family made their way towards the door and stepped in. Meredith could see their begrudged looks as they removed their coats and backpacks. She placed the paper bags with their dinner and turned towards them."Okay, listen, I know he's been working overtime and so have I but maybe this will cheer you up," she smiled as she took the tablet from the counter and scrolled through it, "I think that your dad and I made a decision about the house in Boston."Zola and Bailey turned towards each other and then to their younger sister."You did?" they asked in unison as they watched their mother make her way to the living room."I thought you said we had final say?" Bailey asked, a hint of intrigue in his voice.."You do," Meredith grinned at her son, "That's why I'm showing you."The trio huddled around her and swiped through the photographs."I like the bedrooms," Zola commented."Yeah, and the yard is pretty big," Bailey looked up at his mother and grinned.Ellis continued watching as they scrolled. Her mother took notice how she patiently waited and as her opinions silently formed in her mind."Ellie?" Meredith gently asked, "What do you think?"Ellis exhaled, "Can dad make the treehouse bigger?"Meredith laughed as she thought back to the conversation she'd had earlier with Derek. The kids laughed along."Look, I know we're busy," Meredith sighed, "I know it's a lot for the three of you but, I am proud of the three of you. Of how you've helped each other and how far you've come."Zola grinned, "We're proud of you too.""Oh," Meredith grinned as she felt Bailey's arms envelope her. Zola and Ellis followed suit.Meredith could've sworn that this moment was the most perfect yet."She did great," Amelia grinned as they approached Lindsay's brother, "Her spinal cord was intact and the swelling is coming down."Derek nodded, "she should regain function in a few days."The doctors still wore their surgical robes and caps. They watched as Carlton sighed in relief at the sound of his sister's update."Thank you," Carlton smiled as he reached to shake both their hands, "She's my sister- my baby sister- and when we were little I used to follow her around everywhere. When she first got sick, I watched this person that I knew so well, start to fade away."Amelia and Derek turned to each other. It seemed like a familiar story."You want to fix everything," Amelia quietly added."Yeah," Carlton nodded, "I get she wants independence, I get she's ready for it, it's just-""My sister's a pain in the ass," Derek chuckled. He earned a slight laugh from Carlton and Amelia alike, "I get it. You want to fix it all but some things are out of your hands.""Yeah," Carlton smiled, "Can I see her now?"Amelia nodded and motioned him to the room.The siblings watched as Carlton stepped into the room. He took a seat next to his sister and waited- impatiently. They stepped away and made their way down the hall."You don't have to worry, you know?""I know," Derek sighed."Do you?" Amelia stopped her trek and waited for him to turn around."Listen, I'm your big brother, it's my job to worry but," Derek pressed his lips into a tight grin before she interrupted."Hey, I'll be fine," Amelia smiled genuinely, "I know for a second there it didn't seem like I would be but I will. You should worry about someone else.""Oh, no," Derek shook his head as he opened the doors to attending's lounge, "He'll be your responsibility when I'm gone.""Wait, what? Why me?"Derek smirked, "Why not you?""Because he is a mess. He has to do everything his own way. He doesn't take criticism well, he's stubborn- I mean, why did Meredith go against our recommendation? Because he reminds her of you?"He shook his head. He once thought that. He had initially thought it had been a little sentimentality that tugged on her and it was why she had insisted on admitting him. Then the truth was revealed. His wife wasn't one for sentimentality when it came to surgical training. She knew better and she knew what it was like to have the history of a relative constantly chase you."No, not me," he sighed, "You don't see it do you?""What? What don't I-"He waited for it to click. He moved towards the cubbies and pulled his bag waiting patiently."Oh," Amelia exhaled, "He's me. Dammit he's me."Derek laughed as he pulled out his phone, "Yeah, he's you. Or at least some of it. And you had to be watched very carefully so hen I leave, he's gonna have you here so-""No," Amelia shook her head fervently, "I'm not-""Yes you are," he nodded, "You are very capable of being someone he can go to. You should know that by now."She'd been his confidant and his friend over the last few years. A shoulder to lean on. He trusted her with his life and respected her skills as a surgeon. They'd come a long way from the overly competitive and selfish versions of themselves that had been at each other's throats.Amelia stared at him before shaking her head, "He drives me crazy, you know?""Yeah," he scoffed, "That's exactly how I felt when you were growing up and sneaking out in the middle of the night. Payback's a bitch, isn't it?"He laughed lightly as he made his way out of the lounge with his bag in hand. He promised he'd be out in time for the kids' bedtime. If he left now, he'd be able to wish them goodnight, shower, and make it to bed at a decent time.A chime stopped him. He pulled his phone on and was greeted by an unexpected notification. He felt his heart race faster and faster. For one brief moment, he considered leaving it alone and leave it for the morning. His mind firmly set on his wife and kids waiting at home.But truthfully, he needed answers. Now.He pressed on the screen once more and read the subject line. Above it, he noticed the chief's email cc'd. She'd be reading this email soon enough.As he scrolled down to read the email thoroughly, he held his breath.He thought of the interns. They had gone through enough over the years. He thought of the attending's who had all pulled their own weight and dropped their research to focus on teaching. He thought of Lucas who'd worked had to prove himself over and over again. And Meredith who trusted him with this feat with everything she had.His eyes scanned each and every word. Until he reached the very end.This decision changed everything.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"Your aunt is a badass," Simone strolled through the tunnel with a bag of chips in her hand until she reached the gurney Lucas had been sitting on. A book was open on his lap and he fidgeted with a pen in his hand.He looked up at her with a furrowed brow, "Which one?""Grey," Simone sat on the gurney next to him and peered at the book, "I mean they both are but I scrubbed in with her on the whipple today. I thought you were gonna scrub in, too."He nodded, "Yeah but my patient had a complication so I asked her if I could skip this one.""Well you missed out on a good one," Simone watched as he continued to study, "I've heard the rumors about her and your uncle by the way.""What rumors?""About how they got together. I heard some nurses talk about it once," she shrugged, "Is it true that she didn't know he was married? His wife just showed up?""Uh," Lucas turned to her, "It was complicated and it's not my story to tell."Years ago he'd overheard the gossip from his aunts and his mother. Uncle Derek had disappeared and left New York for Seattle. His Nana had explained that he was offered a job and that was that. His mother however, would go on to explain at Thanksgiving how Auntie Addie had followed him there only to find him with the 'slutty intern.' That had been his introduction to Meredith Grey.It wouldn't be until years and years later that he'd discover that the story was far more complicated than that. And when he finally saw things with his own eyes, it made sense.Derek loved Addison. That was true. But Derek was in love with Meredith. He'd lived with them long enough to catch the longing glances he'd aimed at her. To see how they were still unashamed to be constantly around each other's space at home and yet still being their own selves. He'd seen them flow seamlessly throughout the day with their children's schedules and their own schedules.They just worked. They made sense.
"I chose wrong," Uncle Derek told him, "She had laid it out perfectly. And I was going to choose her. I wanted to choose her but I ended up choosing Addison and I was bitter. And angry. And I took it out on them. And I tortured myself because I didn't- I was a coward."
Lucas turned to Simone, "Are you sure about what you're doing? About marrying Trey?""Lucas," Simone sighed before Lucas' phone rang with a page.A look of panic washed over his face before he jumped off the gurney."Lucas? What's wrong?"Lucas ran down the hallway. His voice echoed as he shouted, "He's bleeding out!"There was this version of Meredith that had changed throughout the years. Well, maybe not changed but evolved. Not many people saw it, and if they did, maybe they hadn't seen the full extent of it.They'd seen Dr. Grey. Dr. Meredith Grey. They'd seen the woman who had weathered through so much pain and heartache and had used it to fight tooth and nail for each and every one of her patients. They'd seen her step up as a leader, as a friend, as someone who could be an example to those who just wanted to give up.Not many saw how gentle she was with her kids. Even as they got older, she possessed a tenderness about her with a mixture of childlike mischief and wonder. As if she was discovering the world alongside them.Unlike the rest of the world, Derek had a front row seat to it all. He'd watched how protective she was. Watched how she listened intently as they explained their daily discoveries. He'd witnessed how patient she could be and how she'd whisper when she tried to soothe any of them whenever they scraped their knee. He watched how her eyes slightly glistened at every birthday celebration because she was grateful for another year but sad that her babies were no longer babies. He'd watched her slowly open herself to the abundance of love she had been surrounded with.No longer was she the young woman who had avoided him when he took a chance and approached the bar. Or the young woman who had stood in front of him in tears telling him that hating him was exhausting. Or the woman who had pushed him away out of fear of commitment. She wasn't the woman that let her mother's and her father's mistakes keep her from embracing the people around her. She didn't let their past infiltrate her presentThat woman had grown.This version of Meredith was a privilege to witness.She'd been so happy hours ago when she'd walked into the lab. She'd chosen a home in Boston, and she was optimistic about this grand move they'd make. She was happy. And he hated the fact that he may be the one to burst the bubble of happiness.He wasn't quite so sure how long he'd been sitting in the car watching her and the kids through the small window peeking through the door. . He watched them giggle and laugh. Surely they've each run down through their day already. Zola must've shared how her history class was so boring but her report had gotten an A. Bailey must've tried to distract everyone by making silly faces with his food- he may have been older but. Meredith would've chided him but deep down, she wouldn't have been able to at least smile at his antics. And Ellis would have surely told her all about how her teacher had let her read her favorite book after lunch. And Meredith had checked her phone a few times despite their no phones rule when they were eating together. She was counting down to check in on him, he was sure of it. Because he'd promised he'd try to make it to dinner. He promised he'd call in case he couldn't so she wouldn't worry. But he hadn't done either one of those things. Instead, he was sitting outside their home in his car while the rest of his family was inside their home.They were in their home. The home he built for himself and Meredith. And for their family. It had French doors and rooms for children. An open floor plan so no one ever felt alone. A peaceful view to keep them afloat when the outside world was all too suffocating to breathe.Just like now.The email wasn't what he wanted. It wasn't what he expected. Or what he had hoped.He had hoped that he would be leaving triumphantly and would be able to lift Grey Sloan from the trenches it was in. Those hopes all but dwindled when he read the email. So instead of striding through the front door with epic news, he'd been sitting in the car rethinking every decision he'd made with the interns.Grants. Additional skills labs. Increased pay. Schedules that ensured that each doctor received enough rest before they showed up for hours and hours on end. All of this and more hadn't been enough for the accreditation program.His instinct was to crush the phone in his hand and toss it against the wall. But his mind and heart dropped when he thought about the person who had entrusted him with the job.Meredith had blindly trusted him. She had looked him in the eye and told him he had been the right person to make things right.But now here he was, sitting in the car, waiting and watching. Needless to say he felt like a failure once more.He watched as Meredith checked her phone once more. Something must've nagged at her because she put her fork down and walked around the breakfast bar to make her way to the door. She stopped halfway as her eyes set on the black Cayenne sitting outside their home. That instinct of hers never failed. He saw as she slightly exhaled in relief.Derek exhaled as his lips pressed together in a tight grin. Meredith tilted her head and smiled warmly.She knew. Of course she'd know.Derek smiled back before opening the door and stepping out of the car. The brief walk towards the house felt like a lifetime, but as soon as he opened the door, an embrace of homely warmth and children's laughter enveloped him."Hey Dad!" Bailey greeted him, "Where have you been?"Meredith watched as he leaned in to press swift kisses to the top of each of their heads. She noticed the masterful way he hid the concern he had just seconds ago. It was an artform that both had learned throughout the years and one they could both see through very clearly. He made his way around the breakfast bar to press a peck to her lips. She flashed him a quick smile, promising that just for a few minutes- a few spare minutes, he was free from the entrapments of the hospital issues.And another blow to his all too precious ego."She didn't say the program was shut down," Meredith closed the door behind her as she stepped out to the deck, "She simply said that they needed more time before removing the probation status. We still have time."She watched as he shook his head from his usual chair, "We don't have time, Meredith. We're leaving and this program is still-""It's not your fault-," she sighed as she made her way to the chair next to him.His head turned towards her, "You know you are allowed to be pissed. You are the chief.""I know I can- and I'll probably bitch about it tomorrow at work but right now," she shook her head, "Derek, what is this about? It's not just the program that you're pissed about."Derek stared off into the darkness as he shook his head, "Richard's been going on and on about how this program is his legacy. And it is, he's mentored countless talented surgeons."Meredith watched as he swallowed a lump before continuing."It got me thinking about what we're leaving behind," he continued, "What legacy I leave behind. I'm leaving a failed program and my frail ego can't handle it.""It's not just your fault," Meredith whispered, "I knew this idea was a risk-""Meredith-""I pushed it on everyone-""It's not on you, either," he closed his eyes as he stopped her before she fell down the same slope he did, "It's not your fault."They wallowed in their own self pity for a moment as the Seattle skyline lit the darkness. This place had often been a refuge for their fights and for their moments of deep thought. For conversations that were far too much for the solace of their bedroom."I showed the kids the house," Meredith whispered, "They loved it."Derek smiled. At least there was one win today."I knew they'd love it. You were right to choose that one," Derek muttered before offering a brief smile, "I'm glad you got to tell them.""But you were right," Meredith sighed."About?""Ellis wants a bigger treehouse," she raised a brow teasingly as she earned a small, breathy chuckle from her husband. She watched as his light smile faded back into a worried frown, "You're worried about Lucas, aren't you?""And the other interns," his eyes closed as he shook his head, "When I tell them that the program is still under probation, they will be pissed.""Well we're all pissed-""-and then I will be telling them that I will be leaving," he turned to her knowingly. He saw how she didn't have a response for that because it was the truth. It was the brutal, honest truth.As if on queue, his phone rang."I thought you weren't on call? Meredith furrowed her brows."I'm not. It's Winston," he pressed the button before greeting the person on the opposite line.Meredith watched as he answered the call. He listened intently. His eyes widened as he slowly turned to her, "I'm on my way.""Derek what's wrong?" Meredith stood up as she watched him bolt up and make his way back into the house, "Derek?"He turned to her before stepping in the house, "Lucas. Lucas is what's wrong."There was blood on his gloves not too long ago. He was standing over a dead body not too long ago. He had… What the hell had he done?Simone opened the door and stepped out. Her eyes met his before she stomped in his direction angrily."What'd he tell you?" Lucas asked nervously."A month probation," Simone swallowed, "Why the hell would you-""Adams!"Derek stood by the door angrily before walking back into the office. Lucas gave Simone one last look before she shook her head and stomped away. He had asked her to help. He'd asked her to step in and put her hands in the body to save Sam Sutton. He had asked her to help except neither truly knew what they were doing. Neither knew what to do and Sam bled out.Sam Sutton died under their hands.Lucas stepped into the office solemnly before closing the door behind him. He stood in front of the director's desk awaiting whatever punishment would be thrown at him."You want to tell me what the hell you were thinking?" Dr. Shepherd's voice was sharp, cutting through the tense air.Lucas stammered, "The patient was dying-""Ndugu was on his way!" Derek interrupted. He held up a tablet with the reports detailing the nights events. Winston had called as soon as he discovered the scene in the O.R. Sam Sutton. His C.T had shown a grade I aerotic transection. He had hoped it would resolve on its own but it had transected. Ndugu had ordered for him to be transported to the O.R. as soon as Lucas paged. But Lucas didn't wait. He stepped in and opened him up. By the time, Ndugu stepped in. It was too late."You had no idea what you were doing! You page your attending and you wait! He was on the way!""There wasn't any time- Dr. Altman wasn't here- no other cardio-""There is a pecking order Adams! It's there for a reason! Knox told you to wait. Everyone told you to wait and you decided to go rogue? What the hell were you thinking?""I-I-" Lucas sighed, his gaze dropped to the floor as he swallowed a lump that had formed in his throat. He struggled to find the right words, "I thought I was doing what was in my patient's best interest. I didn't- I just jumped because I couldn't watch another patient die at my hands.""Well he did!" Derek tossed the tablet on the desk. Lucas flinched"You compromised your medical license! You compromised Dr. Griffith's medical license! You compromised this hospital and its surgical residency program! Do you know what the hell you could've done to the rest of your class?""Dr. Griffith shouldn't be reprimanded," Lucas stuffed both hands in the pocket of his coat. He fidgeted before muttering, "This is on me. I made the choice-""But she assisted. Blindly. Because you told her to trust you," Derek pointed out, "You don't do that to a fellow surgeon if you have no clue what you are doing!"Lucas blinked as he processed the words."You are suspended," Derek announced, "You are suspended for two weeks-"Lucas' head shot up, "Dr. Shepherd-""And after that, you will be placed on probationary status in which you will be banned from the OR. You will not get anywhere near the OR-""Not even in the gallery-""No!""How long?""Until I say so," Derek mumbled. His eyes quickly glanced at the door, "Get out of my office, your suspension starts now."Lucas hadn't noticed the door open behind him and he definitely didn't notice the chief step in. His eyes quickly glanced at her before he swiftly shuffled out. If he had stayed there any longer, he was sure she'd have more to say. More to add to the weight of the disappointment that was thrown at him.Meredith closed the door as he made his way out and turned to the Director of the Residency Program."Don't tell me I was too harsh on him," Derek warned as she stepped forwards."I left the kids at the house with Amy," Meredith mumbled, "It's true? He cut a patient open without an attending present?""Sam Sutton. Transected aorta. Altman is out, Ndugu was in surgery. and instead of waiting for another cardiac surgeon on call-""Derek, breathe," his shoulders were tense, the vein on his forehead nearly exploded, and his hair was a mess after the countless times he'd run his hands through it angrily."-he went ahead with the thoracotomy to cross-clamp the aorta only for the patient to bleed out because Adams had no idea what the hell he was doing!" Derek passed her the tablet so she could review the notes, "This is exactly why we didn't-""What about Griffith?" Her eyes skimmed the tablet. Her brows furrowed. She liked Griffith, she was a good doctor with the potential to be great. Maggie had called her the one to watch despite the fact that she'd been previously asked to leave her residency program. Meredith had high hopes for her, "I heard she was in there. She went along with it?""She did. So she's on probation and he's been suspended. Probation will follow after.""What? Why-?" Her gaze sharpened, "How long?""Until he decides to get his head out of his ass-"She rolled her eyes at his idiotic response, "Dr. Shepherd!""Until his impulses are under control!" he answered angrily before taking the tablet back and dropping it onto the desk. His hands were in a tight fist as he pressed them onto the desk and exhaled deeply, "Bailey suspended Warren for six months-""Ben was also a fourth year and his situation was different," Meredith sighed as her shoulders slumped, "We can't push back Lucas' learning so it cannot be six months especially if he does had ADHD and it's been undiagnosed-""He was reckless-""Derek-""I told you having him here was a mistake. I told you he was careless and that he needed to do things his own way-""We didn't know there was a chance he'd-""- and now he thinks he can get away with it because he is related to us!"Meredith's voice rose in frustration, "That's not why he does things! Have you forgotten what the hell it's like to be an intern with a damn legacy on your back? Oh wait, you don't because you didn't have that burden-""No I didn't, I had my own battles to fight. I didn't have a pathway already-""Oh, Derek cut the crap! You know what I mean!""So what, we're gonna excuse every misstep he makes on the fact that he is here under the Shepherd umbrella? That's what we're gonna do?""No we're not. But we are going to remember that we've both done stupid things. I did stupid things when I was a resident. I did things that should have gotten me suspended and fired and reported and I am still here," she sighed, "We all have done stupid things and I know you have too.""Meredith-""You've done stupid things too! You've let your impulses dictate medical decisions before and it's cost-"Derek's eyes snapped towards her, "Do not bring up Jen- This is not the same thing!""I didn't!" Meredith clenched her teeth together, "You did. And you know what he's going through so a little under-"Derek slumped onto his chair and shook his head, "What he did was wrong!""Yes it was," Meredith agreed, her voice unwavering,"But this program wasn't designed to break them every time they screw up. It's not what Richard did and it's not what you wanted when you took over. So figure it out Dr. Shepherd. Get your own damn head out of your own ass and figure it out!"Tension lingered in the air. This wasn't a match between Meredith and Derek- the spouses who had managed to solve their own issues. It was a match between the chief and director. A dynamic that wasn't always easy to balance. It's what caused them to be at odds with one another one too many times.The door burst open with a slight knock. Winston stood at the door, "Oh sorry, chief, I didn't know you were in here-"Derek's lips pressed together in a tight line as he quickly glanced at Meredith, "Are they here?""Yeah," Winston nodded, "His sister and his friend. They're in the waiting room."Meredith's shoulders slumped. They were talking about Sam's family. They were about to deliver what was possibly the worst news they could ever hear. Her brother and his best friend had died in the hands of a surgeon.Derek was right.What Lucas did wasn't right. His inexperience and his lack of restraint cost the life of a man with a family, friends, and a future.But then again, had he left him on the table to wait, Sam would've most likely not made it. It was a double edged sword and there were no clear answers."Do you want to talk to them and tell them what happened, chief?" Derek turned to Meredith as he picked up the tablet once more in his hands. He offered it to her, "Or should we?"Where Derek saw the black and white, she saw all the gray. It was always the dilemma between the pair"I'll handle it," Meredith glared at him before snatching the tablet, "I'm the chief, it's my job."Meredith stared at the blue converse on her feet. She wasn't a ten year old reading the storybooks anymore. She wasn't the little girl reading to escape the realities her life had given her. Granted, she'd lived a privileged life in many ways. And yet, she was always missing something.She was a surgeon. The chief of surgery to be precise. That's the job she had taken on and it was the job she was determined to finish on a high note.Except she had just delivered what could've been the cruelest news to a family that had expected their loved one to be discharged and released soon. And that weight was hard to shed especially when she was at odds with the person she was supposed to find solace in.But right now, there was no time to wallow in her personal grief. Her mind needed to focus on her patient.The elevator dinged as the doors slid open to reveal the ICU. Simone Griffith stood at the nurses' station with a tablet in hand."Good morning Dr. Grey," she blinked rapidly before stepping away from the station, "I-""I heard you were on probation," Meredith raised a brow before taking the tablet the intern handed her."I-I-I am I-I got here early to round on Tessa and- ," Simone swallowed nervously, "She's been stable. Her vitals look good, and she's in good spirits.""She's awake?""She is and the first thing she asked for was her laptop," Simone grinned before it quickly fell. She picked at the skin around her thumbnail, "Chief Grey, I wanted to say-"The chief looked up from the tablet expectedly."You warned us that we would need each other and I tried to be there for Dr. Adams and I get that what Dr. Adams and I did was wrong but I couldn't let his patient die. And Dr. Adams truly thought-," her shoulders dropped before continuing, "I know it was wrong. We should've waited for an attending. We were out of our league and I accept the punishment Dr. Shepherd gave us. I'm sorry."Meredith sighed, "You were asked to leave your program."Simone nodded slowly, "I was.""And Dr. Pierce spoke to me after that video was made public. The security that caught you destroying the scrub room because you raised concerns about how a black patient was being treated?"Dr. Griffith's eyes widened, "Right.""You care," Meredith continued, "You fight for your patients no matter the cost. And you'd do the same for the people you care about. I know that, I see it. And to tell you the truth, had I been the intern in your shoes, I probably would've done the same thing you did."Years ago, Meredith had done the same. She'd stood by Izzie after she cut the LVAD wire. A stupid decision that should have and almost cost her her career. And still, there weren't any regrets about her loyalty.Simone's eyes widened at the chief's confession."It was still wrong and you still lost a patient," Meredith exhaled.Simone nodded solemnly, "I know, Chief. It won't happen again."Being chief meant that she took the responsibility to straighten her interns. Griffith was no excuse. She had potential and had been deemed as the one to watch. Meredith wouldn't let her flame out so fast.She gestured to the room and walked in, "Good morning, Ms. Hobbes!""Tessa!" she rolled her eyes, "How many times must I tell you, Dr. Grey? It's Tessa.""As many as I have to say that it's Meredith," she grinned, "How long until I can bail out of here?""A few days," Meredith shrugged, "It really depends on how your recovery goes but I think we can send you home by the end of the week. You'll have to be a really good patient. Which means, you'll need a lot of rest."Meredith raised her brow teasingly as she looked towards the laptop on the tray in front of her patient."I will try," Tessa grinned, "I'm not a very patient woman, you know?"Meredith chuckled before turning to Dr. Griffith, "Dr. Griffith will continue to monitor you and if you need anything you have her page me. Okay?""Thank you," Tessa grinned, "Meredith."Meredith smiled as she walked out the door, Griffith trailed behind her as she listened to her mentor's instructions. She quickly jotted them down in her notebook."Also, find out if she has any next of kin or who her support system will be when we discharge her," Meredith sighed, "She strikes me as a person who's stubborn to the point where it's hard to ask for help.""Yes, chief," Yasuda nodded before she walked away. Meredith sighed with relief.Tessa had been a patient she'd grown fond of. She'd been funny, witty, and kind. All the preparation that went into her surgery had been worth the outcome. She just hoped this wouldn't be another unexpected disaster."Hey," Amelia's head poked through her office, "You paged?""I did," Meredith gestured to the door, motioning Amelia to close it. Amelia furrowed her brows but followed suit."Everything okay?""Yeah, it's just," Meredith exhaled, "Have you seen your brother?""Not since he picked up the kids for school," Amelia shook her head, "Why? Wait- have you been here all night?"Meredith scratched the back of her head. She must've looked worse than she thought, "Yeah. I had to deal with everything that happened last night.""So it's true," Amelia quietly added, "Lucas opened the patient and he died. Derek suspended him?"The rumor mill at Grey Sloan was quick. And news like that was surely to travel quickly."Yeah," Meredith nodded, "He cut open a patient and lost the patient on the table with no attending. It's what happened to Schmitt last year except-""He had no authority to do so," Amelia finished for her, "Dammit Lucas.""Mmhm," Meredith looked around, "It also doesn't help that last night we discovered we didn't get off probation yet.""What? I thought you said that was in the bag!""We thought so," Meredith shrugged, "And Derek feels responsible and he's supposed to break it to the interns today.""Can't we appeal?" Amelia asked as she pulled out a chair and sat."Well they said they'd be back in another six months for a final review. After that, if the program doesn't meet their standards, the program completely shuts down," Meredith nodded, "By then, we'll be gone."Amelia watched as Meredith sat back in frustration."I don't know. Maybe this is a sign that we shouldn't-""Hey," Amelia sighed, "We've lost a few good surgeons and we are still getting back on our feet. It was bound to take some time before anything ever went back to normal. You and Derek have earned the right to step back and leave the mess behind. You didn't cause this.""I hate that you sound like the sane one," Meredith smiled."I know, it's weird," Amelia shrugged, "Listen, it's probably the worst timing ever but I wanted to run something by you now that I'm here.""You okay? You're not quitting as chief of neuro are you? Because if you are-?""No! No, I like my job and I very much enjoy Seattle. Thank you very much," Amelia scoffed, "Um, but I've been thinking about how you and my brother are moving forward and starting new and I think I need to do the same.""Okay…""I'm moving out of your house," Amelia slowly explained, "Soon."Said house belonged to Thatcher and Ellis Grey. Then Ellis Grey. Then Meredith Grey. Then Alex Karev until he gave back the keys to Meredith. And for years after, it was the home of Maggie Pierce and Amelia Shepherd. And to many others who needed somewhere. Those doors were never closed.Meredith blinked a few times, "Wow. Okay. That wasn't what I…are you sure? Just because we're leaving-""I know," Amelia nodded, "But everything is changing. And everyone is leaving. It used to be Maggie and I there and you were there often and the kids would spend the night and we'd have these huge dinners but lately it just doesn't feel like-""Home," Meredith finished for her, "I get it.""There's this little apartment that's not too far from the hospital and it's close enough to Link too, so," Amelia stuffed her hands in her pocket as she stood from the chair. A shy smile graced her features as she shrugged, "I'm growing up, I think."Meredith smiled before another knock interrupted them. Winston stepped in, "Oh, sorry, I'm interrupting I'll come back-""No, Winston, I'm about to head out," Amelia called out before turning back to her sister, "If I find him, I'll text you.""Thanks," Meredith nodded as she stood from her chair knowing exactly whom Amelia meant. If she couldn't get through his thick headed hair, Amelia could. Or she wouldn't. It was always a coin toss between the two.Winston nodded at Amelia as she exited and closed the door behind him, "Chief Grey, I uh, wanted to talk to you about-""About last night. I had a feeling you'd be in here today," Meredith nodded as she motioned for him to sit. Dr. Ndugu sat on the chair across from her, "You were with another patient, I know this is not on you.""Right," Winston, "I just wanted to- it shouldn't have happened. But Sam would've- we would've lost him if Dr. Adams hadn't- it never looked good to begin with. I was too upset to tell Shepherd before he called in Griffith and Adams but, it was a bad call from the beginning."Meredith sighed. Her intuition was right from the beginning, "We would've lost him either way.""Yeah," Ndugu nodded."I will speak with Derek, I don't know if this will affect- I mean."Winston let out a breathy chuckle, "I get it. It's complicated. Lucas is his nephew, he's your husband, chief, director. It's complicated. I know.""Yeah," Meredith nodded. These dynamics in the hospital had been too much."Listen, I don't know if it may be inappropriate to ask you this but um, I know that you'll be interviewing for a cardio chief soon-""Oh, right, that," Meredith exhaled, "Yes, we will be starting the process soon. Why would it be inappropriate for you-?""Because I'm technically still married to your sister who was the previous cardio chief and I'm asking you to please consider me for the position," he straightened his posture to demonstrate some confidence."Winston-""I know it's complicated but Meredith, I am a good surgeon. I'm a great surgeon. I studied under Margaret Pierce and I was top of my class. I like to teach, I'm good at it, Derek can vouch for me-""I know he can," she nodded, "And I know you're a good surgeon and a great teacher. The only problem I have is that you think I'm hung up over you being Maggie's husband. You and Maggie are your own selves. I can separate that and judge you solely on your surgical skills.""Right," Winston nodded as he stood, "I appreciate that. Thanks.""You should call her," Meredith offered before he walked away, "She misses you."Winston pressed his lips together in a tight smile. This was his sister-in-law talking. Not his chief of surgery, "I miss her too."Meredith could see the sincerity in his eyes. Maggie and Winston had fallen in love so quickly and so deeply. They'd managed to find the light together even when the world seemed so dark. There was so much happiness and so much hope within them that the thought of divorce papers between the pair, saddened her deeply.Even if her sister had earned the job she currently had.Meredith gave Winston one last grin before he walked away. He was right. She needed to make sure all positions in the hospital were filled up before she left, especially if she'd be leaving before a new chief was selected.The mental checklist of loose ends only grew."What happened?," Derek stepped into the scrub room and stared at the scene in front of him, "That's Sam Sutton."
Derek watched as they draped the body. A chill ran down his spine as he spotted Lucas standing on the side staring at the void ahead, lost in the haunting aftermath of what had just happened in the room.
"How long has he been standing there? Why hasn't anyone brought him out?""He refuses to," Winston shut the faucet off and turned to him with his arms across his chest, "He opened him up and thought he could do the thoracotomy and cross-clamp the aorta but he- he didn't know what he was doing Shepherd. He was overconfident and he dragged Griffith into it."
Derek watched as his nephew stood frozen in the O.R. processing, replaying over and over again the madness that had just occurred. A part of him wanted to run in there and embrace him. To pull him out and promise him that it would be okay and that it wasn't his fault.
But he wasn't his uncle right now, he was his director. And his attending. And he'd been blamed for playing favorites before.
"I told him to wait, Shepherd," Ndugu shook his head, frustration in his voice, "I told him I was on my way in here!"
Derek exalted as he stepped into the O.R., "Dr. Adams?"
Lucas didn't turn. He stared at the nurses and staff as they cleaned the O.R. and removed the gurney. With Sam's body draped in the white sheet.
"Dr. Adams, we need to step out, now," Derek whispered as his hand gently touched the intern's stoic arm. He didn't move. He merely stared ahead."Lucas, we gotta go," Derek whispered again. The young man's brown eyes looked up at him, with turmoil and distress.Derek shut the faucet off as he shook away the images of his nephew. He'd been too harsh, he knew that.He'd let the anger of the night's events pile on him after reading Ndugu's notes. He let the outside noise take over what he knew was right. If he'd had nicked the aneurysm of the patient that was just on his table, he would've blamed himself for the rest of his life. Hell, he still thought of Jen Harmon and he still felt the anger boil over from time to time.The doors to the O.R. slid open to reveal his sister, "Hey, there you are. Have you been here all this time?""Yeah. I've been here since I dropped off the kids," he nodded, "Hey thanks for keeping them last night, by the way, sorry we just-" Derek nodded as he reached for a towel."What happened with Lucas?" Amelia stepped in, "Did he really-? Derek what the hell happened? What did you do?"Derek sighed as he pressed both his hands on the sink and shook his head, "It was…Amelia he stood there with his gloves…he just-"The image of a distraught and regretful Lucas was enough to shut him up. Derek was many things, among them arrogant and stubborn. But even he knew that Lucas had no ill intention and no ill will."Oh my god," Amelia exhaled as she turned to lean against the sink. She rubbed her temples before pushing away, "Where is he now?""I don't know. I suspended him," before she could yell at him, he shook his head, "Don't- I know-""Are you serious?" she shouted, "Derek-!""I know. I got enough from the chief this morning. I know! It's just," he tossed the boxes of masks off the shelf and pushed himself away, "The program didn't clear. The program is still in the trenches. I thought Lucas was getting himself together and then this happened. Amy, nothing is going the way I needed it to and I am pissed.""And you let it get to you," Amelia shook her head. She knew her brother too well,"So now what are you gonna do now?""I don't know," he swallowed, "I've been telling the interns that they're too close to their cases. Lucas was obsessive over Sutton, Milin had to be removed from a case, Kwan became attached because of her. Maybe I'm just-""I'm just too close," He closed his eyes and shook his head in disappointment."You are about to move across the country. You've done it before and you've left loose ends," Amelia whispered, "Don't do it again.""Should we have been punished?""What?" Alex looked up at her with a confused brow. He stood by the nurses station of the pediatric floor, "Punished for what?""The LVAD wire," Meredith swallowed as she scratched the skin around her fingernails, "When Izzie cut the LVAD wire we all stood in Webber's office and refused-""I didn't do anything-""And yet you didn't rat her out," Meredith raised a brow, "It was wrong. What we did was wrong and yet we- we're still doctors.""This is about the Adams thing," Alex studied her features, "He opened a patient without an attending.""So everyone knows?""Everyone knows," he continued typing on his tablet, "Poor kid. Stupid choice but, poor kid. How pissed was Shepherd?""He suspended him," Meredith muttered, "Which I don't fully agree with but he has to work it out himself that's why I hired him.""Ha. Separation of church and state?""It might dent my marriage again," Meredith quietly replied, "You didn't answer my question.""I think that if we didn't watch each other's backs we wouldn't be here," Alex answered sincerely, "It wasn't right and maybe we should've been punished or kicked out or whatever but-""We've saved a lot of lives," Meredith finished for him."Yeah," Alex nodded, "Some good has to outweigh the bad right? Besides you've gotten away with a crapload of things and you're the chief."Meredith rolled her eyes, "You're an ass."But he was right. She'd treaded on thin lines far too many times. Had she been anyone else, her medical license would no longer exist.
Do you have any idea what you've done?
Meredith exhaled loudly, "I shouldn't have gotten away with a lot of-""Stop it. You've always tried to be loyal and you've always tried to help. You've never done anything with bad intentions, Mer," Alex shook his head, "Besides we did get punished.""What?""The prom?" Alex rolled his eyes, "Remember we had to plan that crap?"Meredith laughed. That's why they had remained friends for so long. It's why Cristina had designated him as her person while she was gone. Because they both saw the different shades of gray the world had to offer."I'm gonna miss you when I leave for Boston," Meredith smiled at her friend."Yeah, yeah, we can have a big goodbye later," Alex smirked as he placed the tablet on the charging station.They weren't young interns anymore. They weren't first years who made stupid decisions like cutting LVADs. They weren't sleeping with superiors and they weren't messing with trials.They were adults. They grew up.Derek knocked on the door once.No response. He tried again and peered through the glass door.He knocked again, "Shep, I know you're in there and I'm being nice by knocking. I have a key."No one opened. Derek stared at the door before he finished his keychain and scrambled for the key. He should've known that Lucas wouldn't open the door. He'd yelled and he'd pushed and he'd made sure that Lucas understood he was pissed.The lock clicked and revealed an exhausted Lucas at the door. He opened it and remained blocking the entry way."What?""I was an ass as your residency director.""No shit," Lucas quipped."I'm not here as your residency director, Shep," Derek stuffed his hands inside his coat. He noticed how the young man's eyes softened slightly. Like when he was a boy and he had tried to console him after being reprimanded by his mother, "I'm here as your uncle who cares about you and feels like crap for treating you like crap when you need someone. Are you gonna let me in?"Lucas reluctantly stepped aside, "Might as well, you'll come in through the back."Derek followed him in and closed the door behind him, "Have you gotten any sleep?"They walked into the kitchen where Lucas slumped one of the stools and ran his hand through his hair. He regarded the question for a moment before he shook his head."Shep, what were you thinking?" Derek sighed, "What happened?"He pulled a chair out from the dining table and sat. He watched how Lucas looked around and shook his head, holding back the tears after a flood of bloody memories invaded his mind."I just-," Lucas began as a lump formed in his throat, "I couldn't lose another patient. I couldn't- I thought I was-. I got paged and when I ran in there I saw his chest tube was pouring blood."Derek listened. He watched as Lucas, visibly shaken, glanced around, holding back tears triggered by haunting memories."I paged Ndugu and a nurse told me he was in surgery. He sent word to prepare him for surgery because he needed a thoracotomy and by the time I got in there he," Lucas shuddered, "he was bleeding out into his chest and he was coding."Derek shook his head. It was a bad call all around no matter what."Simone was helping and I asked her to cross clamp," Lucas swallowed a deep lump, "I knew Pierce had mentored her to a degree but I told her- I convinced her. It was me. I just-"A few tears fell, "I wanted him to live. I needed him to live. I just-""I get it," Derek nodded, " I get it, I do-""No you don't!" Lucas erupted, "Because you and everyone else in the damn family are these freaking doctors who get published and get recognitions and that name- everyone says-""Awards don't mean anything-""I get it, I'm different. I went down the rabbit hole and looked at all the symptoms but someone should have caught it! Everyone in this damn family is a doctor and no one even thought-""Do you have any idea what it feels like to feel like a failure?" Lucas shouted, "I didn't want to be a failure. I didn't come here to fail! Much less fail you! I came here because it was the only place- I told Aunt Mer I wanted to learn from you because you didn't see me the way anyone else did!"Derek's face softened."And now you're leaving and all you'll know is that I was a failure," Lucas shook his head angrily, "And that fucking sucks.""Shep, you're not a failure," Derek leaned forward, "We've all lost patients over mistakes we made and we've lost patients. It's the hard part of this job."Lucas scoffed, "Easy for you to say. You and your sister are the Shepherd Super Surgeons. You're legends and I can't-""I cut a woman's brain in half after I nicked her aneurysm and I-," Derek let out a deep breath, "I didn't want to go back. I couldn't go back."This story had never been told to Lucas. He'd never heard of one of the darkest moments in his uncle's life.Derek's eyes darkened as he continued, "I couldn't face Meredith or anyone in that damn hospital without feeling like-"
You're not God, Derek
"This guilt you feel, this anger, this frustration?" Derek pressed his lips together and shook his head. There was so much of himself in Lucas. A need to protect everyone, a need for perfection, a need to conceal that sometimes it was too difficult to even breathe. The constant guilt that it was under his hands that someone didn't get a chance to live out the rest of their life, "You take it and you make sure it never happens again. You take this loss and you let it humble you. You will be a great surgeon Lucas, I promise you, you will.""You won't-""You don't need me or Amelia to be one," Derek quietly added before standing up and embracing his nephew, "And I do see you for who you are. I always have, kid."Lucas nodded solemnly. He was exhausted but a slight weight had been lifted. Just slightly.There was a bench outside near one of the hospital exits. It was well hidden and often empty. They'd claimed it as their meeting area when the day was over. It was their bench. If one of them was out late, the other would wait at the bench.Meredith walked out of the hospital and turned to what she expected to be an empty bench. To her surprise, Derek had been sitting, his legs crossed and phone in his hand. He fiddled with the screen as he apparently waited for her."I didn't see you all day.""I was in surgery most of the day," Derek stuffed his phone in his pocket before looking up, "And then I went to see Shep-""You were avoiding me-" Meredith interjected"I was not-""Yes you were! Because I pulled rank on you!" Meredith exhaled, "I thought we were fine! I thought you had finally put your damn ego aside and you were fine with me being chief. I thought we were over this.""We are! I did! We've been over this, I respect you and I get you had a job to do," Derek looked up at her with his brows furrowed, "But I am allowed to be pissed at the chief if I don't agree with her.""Derek-""Wait let me, let me finish," he raised a hand as he gently pleaded, "Just, let me finish."Meredith scoffed as she tossed her purse on the bench. She crossed her arms defensively as she stared at him."I understand your stance on Lucas, I do," he sighed, "I don't like it but I will get over it. You are the chief.""What about your wife?"He pressed his lips in a thin line, "My wife's trying to help me keep my head on my shoulders. I can't be mad at my wife."She sat next to him as she released an exaggerated breath, and he wrapped his arm around to pull her closer."I'm not too happy with the director either, just so you know," she muttered as she settled on his side."I know," he rubbed her arm up and down a few times, "We can agree to disagree. Besides, you were right.""I was?" she pulled her head up, "I mean, I was. What was I right about?""I don't want to put the interns down. Richard never did that to us," he muttered, "When Jen Harmon died, he didn't- he tried to bring me back and he knew that sending you was probably the best way to get me back. And when you didn't want to come back after the accident, he told everyone to give you space.""I didn't ask you to be the director of this program because I thought you could be Richard.""I know," he nodded, "But that's what I admired about him. That he understood. I wanted to do that. And I dropped the ball with Lucas.""You said you went to go see him.""Yeah," he nodded, "He's fine but he needs time off.""So that means-""His suspension has turned into a leave of absence and when he returns he will undergo mandated therapy during his probation," he pulled back slightly to look her in the eye, "Chief."Meredith smirked before she rested her back on her husband's shoulder. A feeling of satisfaction filled her knowing she was right. He'd figure it out. Her job as chief was…done. For now.For a moment, they sat comfortably in the silence. They let the faint sirens blare in the distance and the footsteps of others march down the streets and into the hospital."You know," he looked around and furrowed his brows. Meredith turned to him slightly and studied him, "This is the same bench where my mother gave me your engagement ring.""The one you hit with the bat?""Yes, that one" he hung his head and shook his head, "She sat here and she was upset that no one wanted to take her advice-"Meredith snorted, "That sounds like Carolyn.""Yeah," he smiled, "She gave me the ring, said something about dad wanting me to have it and when I told her she barely knew you, she said she knew enough.""After I told her I was a fraud?" She pushed herself off his shoulder and gazed at him."Mmhm," he nodded, "She said I saw the world in black and white and you didn't.""I don't," she affirmed, "Maybe that's why we work so well."He chuckled, "Yeah, maybe that's why."The pair missed dinner. Erin, whom they trusted with their lives, had picked up the kids and ensured they had dinner before sending them to bed. By the time the parents had arrived, they'd gone to each room, checked on them, and gone off to rest.Except that sleep was something that seemed to evade Derek. He had gently pried himself from his wife's arms before heading to the kitchen for a glass of water. A light coming from one of the children's bedrooms stopped him in his tracks."You are supposed to be sleeping," Derek chastised gently from the slight opening of the door. His eldest jumped slightly at the intrusion. She sat at the center of her bed, the bedside lamp on and a box filled with things he couldn't make out sitting in front of her."I couldn't sleep," Zola sighed.She was kind and bold. Gentle and confident. It was a combination of nature and nurture that made her so uniquely their daughter. He smiled at the confident smirk plastered on her face. Her eyes betrayed the fact that she had been slightly concerned and physically exhausted.Derek sighed as he opened the door a little wider, "Want to tell me what's wrong?"Zola's brow furrowed as she shook her head, "Nothing's wrong.""Zo," Derek sighed as he leaned against the door frame, "I know you so well I even know what the inside of your brain looks like."A soft giggle escaped Zola's lips, fully knowing what he meant. She'd heard the story from her mom and her dad. How she arrived at Seattle Grace Hospital and how he'd been the one to save her. How the palm of her hand touched his cheek and how in that instant, Derek knew she was his daughter.Derek watched as she giggled, a sound he treasured more than anything in the world."How many dads can say that?" he smiled as her giggled settled down, "Can I come in?""Mom showed us the house," She nodded and watched as he sat on the edge of her bed, "And I couldn't stop thinking about the move. You and mom are gonna quit your jobs. Bailey and Ellis didn't want to leave and now everyone is making this big sacrifice just so I-""You want to know why people do that?" Derek leaned closer to his eldest, "It's because you matter so much to everyone and because they love you."A faint twitch of Zola's lips betrayed the emotions within her heart."I know," Zola said, a small innocent smile formed on her lips, "Can I ask you a weird question?""It depends. Are you gonna ask me for a car? Because if you are, you'll have to wait until you're at least sixteen with a permit."Zola giggled as she shook her head, "If someone made a medicine that could make you live forever, would you and Mom take it?""You're still worried," he told his daughter, "You're thinking about Alzheimer's again."Zola played with the edges of an old stuffed toy she'd found in the box. They'd all been packed away except the small lion he'd gifted her years ago. She nodded softly before looking up at him.Meredith had been right. Moving sooner than later would be the right choice. It'd be a clean slate for them and most especially his Zola."Has momma talked to you about what she'll be working on in Boston?"Zola shook her head, "I thought you guys were gonna work in Harvard or Mass. Gen.?""Not quite, Zo," he sighed as he moved to sit on the edge of her bed, "She's been offered a job at the foundation with Uncle Jackson?""Wait, so she's not gonna be a surgeon anymore? I thought she loved being a surgeon?""She does. She loves to help. She loves to save lives and I think she's gonna love what she's gonna do," Derek smiled at his daughter."Which is?" she leaned her head forward expecting, waiting, urging him for more."She's leading a research program to find a cure for Alheimer's, Zo," Derek grinned softly, "She loves you and your brother and sister more than anything in this world that she's gonna fight tooth and nail for you."There were many qualities he loved about Meredith Grey. Beneath the tough exterior, there was a woman who loved and cared fiercely. She was loyal and kind. She was willing to break rules and take bullets for everyone she loved. He was living proof of that.Losing her was frightening, but his children losing their mother was terrifying."Do you think she's gonna do it?" Zola swallowed a lump in her throat, "Do you think she's gonna find a cure?"Derek shrugged, "She's Meredith Grey. She'll find a way. And if she doesn't she's not gonna give up until she does. She's stubborn that way."Zola giggled slightly as her father gently reached to playfully tap her nose."You know you and your siblings are stubborn that way too," Derek smirked."No I'm not!" Zola pulled back with furrowed brows."Yes, you are," her father chuckled, "I like it, I'm glad you are. It means you're not one to easily give up. And even when things get hard, you pick yourself right up and move forward."Zola smiled briefly. Her fingers fiddled with the crown in her hands nervously."It's not just Alzheimer's that I think about, dad," her tone shifted slightly.He sighed as he closed his eyes, "Zola-"He knew what she would mention. He was very aware that at a young age, his daughter had been exposed to so much pain that only added to the trauma. He felt the guilt of letting it all build up throughout the years and letting the trauma get so far.
I can deal with seeing stuff. My dad died right in front of me.
He could remember a chill run down his spine when Winnie, the little girl he'd saved all those years ago, had said that. A young girl of that age shouldn't have such a story to tell. And yet it seemed that his daughter had one too many to tell."I was little and I still remember Mom telling me why you couldn't come home. I remember visiting you in the hospital and I remember you couldn't hold me," she quietly added as her eyes turned to him, "And when Mom got sick I thought she was gonna…and when I start thinking about all of it, I get scared I'm going to lose you and mom."Who was he to tell her he'd be alive forever? How could he promise her something that he knew was impossible? He was a doctor and he'd seen death too many times. Hell, he wasn't supposed to be alive.But, it was his job to build castles in the clouds for her. To protect her from dragons and monsters. From the unknown. That was his job as her father."You're not gonna lose us," he shuffled slightly, "Besides, I like to think that we do live forever."Her eyes widened with curiosity, "You do?""I do," he smiled, "Some people think there's something after this and others don't. I have another theory.""What theory?""I think that no matter what happens after, I believe we live on through all the people we love."Zola furrowed her brows in confusion, "That's not the same, Dad.""Mm, maybe not, but," he sighed, "Many, many years down the line when your mom and I are very, very old and our time comes, you, Bailey, and Ellis are going to remember us."Zola listened carefully. Her eyes widened slightly as she leaned closer to her dad, her chin resting on her hand as she rested her arm on her knee."You'll remember all the ferry boat rides, the corny jokes, the way your mom lays on the bed with you to talk about things, the beach trips, the mistakes we made," Derek sighed. There were many mistakes he'd made, too many to count, "You'll learn from those, and hopefully you'll remember just how much your mom and I love you. And if you do that, I promise we will live forever."It's what his mother had whispered to Amy all those years ago when she cried about her dad dying. He held onto the belief and somewhere down the line, it seemed to be forgotten. Science and medicine told him otherwise."But right now, right this second," Derek smiled, "I'm right here. We both are."She looked into the box pensively."I love you, Zola Grey Shepherd," Derek declared, "I'd do anything for you, sweetie. And I'm gonna love you… forever."He'd write it on a post-it note for her. He'd frame it and he'd scream it out to the world. Derek Shepherd loved his children. Derek Shepherd loved his family. He'd do anything for them.Sometimes it was easy for him to pretend that his daughter was still small. That she was still quiet and small and still wanted to have princess tea parties. And sometimes he was reminded that she wasn't so little anymore. She was growing into a beautiful young woman and he couldn't have been any more prouder.His gaze fell onto the box of possessions in front of her, "What do you have in here? You're packing already?""Oh, it was in the back of my closet.""Are you still hiding in there writing in your journal?" he teased as he rummaged through the box. She asked him once for a light pen and he never saw it back. It was only after he searched the entirety of the house for her that he saw the reflection of the light through her closet door. She shared with him that she'd been writing in her journal the way her therapist suggested. Only she did it in the darkness where she could keep her secrets safe."Only sometimes when I'm writing something really important," Zola replied, her own grin mirroring his, "Or when I need to, like Dr. Williams asked me to do."Her therapist had been helpful. She'd been patient and kind and Zola felt safe talking to her. Derek and Meredith had been eternally grateful for that and he'd made a mental note to ask for recommendations in Boston. She'd offered virtual check-ins but the parents knew Zola would need more.Among the items, Derek picked up a slightly worn crown adorned with a scattering of feathers, its silver paint having faded with time, and a few plastic gemstones missing."Hey, I remember this!" he beamed, "You used to force me to wear this almost every night when you had your princess tea parties."Zola laughed, "You always had a really bad British accent.""Oh whatever. It made you and your mom laugh all the time," he smiled at the memory, "Your momma would get so upset if she'd miss them.""I think she liked them more than I did sometimes," Zola giggled, "I saw her tiger ears in here somewhere."Derek smiled as he remembered the first fight they had after Bailey was born. Meredith had missed out on massive surgery with Cristina and she had missed Zola's tea party on the same night. To top it off, their little girl had an injury during the day. The guilt ate her up. Since then, she made sure to never miss a tea party with their daughter. She was just magical that way. Even after swearing that she'd be terrible and that Zola would resent her, Meredith had been the most incredible mother."She always wore them backwards," he chuckled.The round children's table where she'd host her tea parties no longer existed. He couldn't remember where it was now but he could distinctly remember the glimmer in Zola's eye whenever she'd invite him to the table and place the crown on top of his head. And just like that, he was Princess Daddy. He played along for years and years until she'd outgrown them.Derek tilted his headZola took the crown from his hand and regarded it for a moment. Then, with a swift movement, she pushed the box aside and gracefully moved to her knees, inching closer to him. Her arms, slender and graceful, lifted the crown and placed it atop his head.A radiant smile adorned his face. For a brief moment, time retreated, and before him was his innocent three-year-old, casting magical spells with plastic tea cups."I love you, too Princess Daddy," Zola smirked, her brown eyes shining against the soft light in the room.And for a brief moment, everything was perfect.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Their last weeks in Seattle haven't been the kindest. At least the weather hasn't.It's been cloudy and gloomy and the inconsistent rain has been brutal. Accidents had poured into the trauma room and the kids had been stuck indoors for most of the time. Their regular routines had been interrupted.And though the rain had brought chaos, the rainfall and thunderstorms also brought one singular night of complete and utter peace. A singular night that ironically, brought its brightest glimmers of hope amongst the heavy clouds.Their bedroom was lightly lit by the fireplace and the couple was enveloped by the blankets and duvet. A rare quiet night where neither parent was on call and neither was quite ready to call it a night. Meredith was trapped in the warmth his arms provided. He lightly traced patterns against her arm, occasionally pressing his lips against her head. Those little things, the little reminders, gave her the much needed reassurance she often searched for.
I'm a girl with abandonment issues. You have to sleep with me from now on.
Okay.
The rain outside poured and the light from the television reflected on their faces when the door slightly opened revealing a small figure at the door with a bright green pajama."Hey," Meredith smiled at her youngest, "You okay?""Can I sleep in your room?" Ellis' small feet scampered into the room until she deftly hopped onto the bed. It was a question but mostly a statement.Meredith couldn't help the smile on her face as her daughter wormed her way between the pair. She shuffled away and made room for her.Derek's arms quickly opened to her and wrapped them around his youngest, "What's wrong?"Ellis had always been fiercely independent despite evidence to the contrary over the last few months. When her new bed was built by her doting father, she had been thoroughly excited to sleep on her 'big girl bed'."It's raining outside," she whispered as she pulled on the covers, "And I couldn't sleep.""Since when are you scared of the rain?" Meredith chuckled knowing that the little girl was definitely not scared of the rain. Not one bit."I'm not scared," she pouted defensively, "It's just warmer in here and Zola won't let me sleep with her."They had been certain that the days where their kids raided their bed had been long gone. They had been certain that their bedroom was their own again. But sometimes, they missed the scampering of little feet and the nudges in the middle of the night. Sometimes.The door opened once more and revealed another figure."Ellis, I told you to go to your own bed," Zola groaned from the door, "I didn't tell you to go to Mom and Dad's!"Without another word, Zola climbed onto the bed and rested in the middle of both her parents. Ellis was on one side. Unlike Ellis, Zola had been very comfortable finding her way to her parents room- when she was much younger. It took a lot of convincing for her to remain in her bedroom until she finally stopped barging in- to the relief of her parents."Is this a takeover? Are you both going to sleep in here," Derek chuckled as he shifted to make more room."Looks like it," Meredith looked over her shoulders and giggled, "We're only missing-""Why is everyone here?" Bailey stood by the door. He rubbed his eyes and yawned loudly."Apparently it's a Little Grey-Shepherd takeover," Derek smirked as he teased his kids, "You two know you have your own beds, right?"A flash of thunder caught everyone's attention. Bailey blinked a few times. It'd been years since he'd run into the room terrified of the thunder. Meredith's only son had grown and sometimes it was easy to overlook it but mostly, it was terrifying. And beautiful."Bails, c'mon," Meredith padded the spot next to her.He shook his head, "I'm okay, I'm going back to-"Another clap of thunder lit up the room. Bailey's eyes quickly flickered to the long window across the room. He should've -and almost did- outgrown the fear of lightning he once had as a young child. Yet, he couldn't help the slight startle."No, c'mon, you know you want to join," Meredith pushed the covers off of her and offered them to her son.He rolled his eyes and trundled his way over until he climbed between Zola and his mother. Meredith wrapped her arms around her son, her fingers lightly caressing the faintest of curls at the base of his neck before pressing a kiss to the top of his head.Derek pulled Ellis tighter as he handed Zola the television control. He glanced across the bed and smiled. Both parents were now at the edges of the bed. He used to share the bed with his wife. And her best friend. And even then he never shared it, he was just effectively kicked out. Now he was sharing the bed with his three children and his wife.Meredith smiled at the sight. It'd been a year of hell with all her children going through. Everything that their family was going through. Despite it all, here they were, in her bed, safe and sound. For someone who had felt nothing but abandonment and loneliness for so many years, she could not feel anymore full.All the promises they had made years ago- a house, a marriage, kids- it all came to fruition right before their eyes."Any idea why he's paging us?" Kwan asked as the interns walked down the hallway, "Is he gonna tell us Adams is officially dropped from-""He's not dropping him," Dr. Yasuda rolled her eyes. She noticed Simone's shoulders stiffening as Lucas' name was mentioned. He had been gone for the past two weeks, and she had been distracted just as much."Did anyone kill someone else lately?" Millin asked before they entered the skills lab.Kwan snorted, "No, but Adams-"Griffith snapped her head towards them, her eyes flaring in anger, her fists clenched tightly, and teeth clenched as she angrily gritted,"Shut up. Shut! Up! You have no idea what the hell you are talking about, and you have no idea what it feels like to-."The interns stopped in their tracks as she came short on words.What it felt like to what? Lose a patient? Make deadly mistakes? Have deadly consequences?"You better pray none of you ever go through that ever," Griffith clenched her teeth and angrily continued her path through the double doors. The interns stared at her, confusion etched in their faces as she turned around and angrily stomped into the skills lab.The door slammed as Derek watched the group enter the lab. Their faces were full of confusion. The last few weeks had been…interesting to say the least. They had been in skills labs more often. They had been in the clinic with Bailey more often and had been carefully selected for certain surgeries. Truth be told, he had barely seen them."Good morning," he smiled as they filed in and took their seats."Are we practicing our sutures today?" Yasuda asked as she looked around. The tables were empty. All the equipment had been shelved, and there were no notes on the board, "Or are we going to get a lecture?""Something's wrong," Griffith muttered to herself. The doors swung open and commanded everyone's attention. Lucas stood at the door, a nervous expression on his face. He swallowed as his hands hid in his lab coat.The last time he had stepped into the hospital, he had made the biggest mistake in his career. Then again, almost everything he did seemed like the biggest mistake. He didn't think he could face his peers. He didn't even think he could step back into the hospital. He was certain that Kwan would never let him forget, and Griffith would never forgive him. Everything was against him, and there was no reason as to why he should return.But the Shepherd Super Surgeons had been convincing enough. Not by lectures or by constant discussions but by example.Amelia Shepherd had returned after relapses, and her name was synonymous with a world-class surgeon.And Derek Shepherd had also weathered enough storms and had his career snatched away from him multiple times. Yet, here he was leading the next generation of interns into the world of surgery.Right?Lucas nodded towards Derek before making his way to his usual seat. He didn't notice the way that Simone averted her eyes or the way the other interns turned to each other. But he did notice that Derek kindly smiled.He watched as he took a seat, a soft exhale escaping him. He was nervous, and he was not too excited to be here again. The first time Dr. Shepherd had stood in front of the class was on their second day. Meredith had already prepared her speech and given it.He told them second chances don't come often.You're here because you're asking for a chance- some of you are asking for a second chance. We're giving you one. The only thing we ask in return is that you give your all so that our second chance isn't wasted."Good morning," he greeted them with a firm smile on his face. He leaned against the table behind him, both hands flat on the table, "It's good to see everyone this morning."Kwan raised his hand, and Derek couldn't help but feel slightly annoyed before he called on him."Dr. Shepherd, will we be assigned to new services this week? I was hoping I'd get to scrub in on-?""I'll get there Kwan, but first, I have an announcement," Derek nodded before he swallowed.
We're not asking you to be perfect because no surgeon is perfect. You will lose. You will lose battles. You will lose races. But this is not a race. It's a marathon. And every precious life on your table needs you.
"As you're all aware, this surgical program has been able to move forward despite its probationary status," he sighed, "A couple of weeks ago, we were hopeful that the accreditation board's visit would mean that we would be removed from said status."The interns listened intently with questioning looks on their faces."You did everything perfectly," He looked at each of them and smiled, "However, the accreditation program believes that it is too soon to remove us from probation so in a few months-""We'll be ready by then," Griffith stood, "We won't make stupid mistakes-""Griffith-""We will be ready," she stood firm as she looked around, "We will not let you down Dr. Shepherd.""I know you won't," he nodded."You should know that in a few hours Dr. Grey will be notifying that I will be stepping down as director of this program-""What?'"Are you kidding? Is this a joke?""Wait, what's gonna happen-?""Should we start applying elsewhere?""Is this because of what happened with Sam Sutton?""Okay wait, wait stop," Derek straightened his posture, "Everyone shut up for a second."The interns froze."I get it, you're scared," he explained, "I made promises and I made a commitment. But I also have a bigger commitment with my children and it's not a secret in this hospital that they've needed more of me lately.""That's not saying that I am carelessly tossing the commitment I made with you," he continued, "I am stepping down, knowing- trusting- that you will move forward and make this program yours. Got it? I'm asking the same thing I've always asked of you. To give this your all and not waste your second chance."Lucas raised his hand, "Do we know if uh, someone will step in as a director?""Yes," Derek nodded. He took notice of how he remained calm amongst his peers, "Pending confirmation from the board and the chief, you'll know soon.""Those are big shoes to fill," Yasuda muttered.Derek opened his mouth to speak only to close it once more. These weren't just doctors. He was once in their shoes and understood what it was like to need someone. For someone to have your back and to teach you how to get back up."Listen, just because I'm stepping down, it doesn't mean that you can't handle anything that comes your way," he stated, "This program isn't just big names who can perform flashy procedures. It was never about us. We've done our part. Now it's your turn.""What are you doing here?" Amelia took a seat next to him.Derek looked up from his laptop and smiled, "I'm catching up on paperwork.""In the gallery? You have an office, you know that right?""I haven't seen her all day," he motioned to the surgeons below. Meredith worked as the machines hummed. Her purple scrub cap stood out against the uniform blue, "If I don't see her and I have time I sit up here. It's quiet, it helps me concentrate.""You've done this before?""I used to do it more often," he nodded, "I did it during my residency and then when I first arrived here. I started doing it because she'd be down there working. I don't know why I stopped."Amelia leaned back as she watched the surgery below, "I had a patient who had a tumor and her sisters all had different cancers. They were rooting for it to be cancer- They were trying to be supportive," Amelia rolled her eyes as he snickered, "but it gets worse. They were carrying this box of ashes and kept saying it was the fourth sister who actually died-""What the hell?""Turns out they lost her in Reno and it was kitten litter in the box."Derek laughed, "Oh god, that's the worst story I've heard in a long time.""I don't know, it made you laugh," she chuckled, "They are thick as thieves and the youngest- my patient- is just trying to live life on her own terms."He hummed, "It's what you did."Amelia and Derek had a long standing, overly complicated relationship. They both lived in this Shepherd skin where everyone around them was just fine and they were both dying on the inside. It's why he had always been unnerved when she sporadically showed up in his life. And it's why she had always been so frustrated at him. Because they both knew the ghosts that trailed them started when they were in that store all those years ago."You know we do have to say goodbye, right?"Derek looked up from his notes, "What are you talking about?""We can't just not say goodbye and leave it at that," her blue eyes matched his own, gifts their father had inherited to the pair, "I almost didn't get to say it back then and I'm not gonna let you just leave without-""I can't do that, I can't say goodbye to you," he shook his head, "I do that, I am another person you lose and I cannot do that to you.""Everyone leaves," Amelia muttered, "Everyone leaves and everyone walks out on me but I get back up Derek. I'm not a kid anymore, you don't need to take care of me."He shut his laptop and set it to the side. She was right. She was more than capable of taking care of herself. Hell, she'd been the one to take care of him over the last years. She'd monitor him as he recovered from his accident -and fought Meredith to do so. She stepped up and helped them with their children. She helped him keep his head straight and find some sort of perspective when he couldn't find it. Her confidence, fearlessness, and bravery were all things she possessed. And the pain she endured had made her a better person.Sometimes, he needed more of her than she needed from him. Amelia Shepherd had truly grown up."So then what are we gonna do, give each other a big speech?" he smirked."You're an ass," Amelia nudged her brother, "You're a good brother. I know I made it hell sometimes but you are good.""You're right you did make it hell," he snickered as he watched her roll his eyes, "But you're also an incredible person, you're brave, you kick-ass in the OR. And you're an incredible mom to Scout when you were terrified about having him. You take more risks than any one of us and look at what came out of it.""I'm gonna miss you every day.""Me too," Derek whispered. He wrapped his arm around her lithe shoulders and sat in silence."You paged me? What happened?""I need your help, come see this" Alex instructed as the chief joined him. A directed kidney transplant had gone south, "I'm worried about leakage, if the leak's in one of the blood vessels-""It'll lead to bleeding and this whole thing would've been for nothing," Meredith observed once she was gowned and gloved.This surgery needed to go perfectly. Jacob Gonzalez was a thirteen year old boy who had been diagnosed with renal dysplasia and a solitary kidney. After years of treatment, it was time for a kidney transplant and his father, Eric, hadn't hesitated when he matched as a donor. Meredith had performed surgery to remove the donated organ merely minutes ago in the adjacent OR and had informed his wife that all had gone well. Now Jacob was on Alex's table awaiting for his father's gift.Meredith proceeded to assist Alex requesting a clamp and studying the procedures carefully. The doctors who had come up together efficiently danced with their instruments, step-by-step. In tandem just like they had for many, many years."Why do you have that face?""What face?" Alex furrowed his brow, "I'm working, I don't have a face."If she hadn't been so focused, Meredith would've rolled her eyes. She'd known Alex Karev long enough to know when something was bothering him and when someone was irking him."You have that face when something is wrong and you don't want to talk about it," Meredith looked up, "What's wrong?""Clamp please," He swallowed as the scrub nurse placed the instrument on his hand, "I heard Shepherd's stepping down. I'm figuring that you're up next which means you're freaking out.""I'm not freaking out," she scoffed under her mask, "I mean I was but it's mostly because I can't write the damn letter of resignation. But it's good. It's a move for our kids and our family and it's not ego or job driven. I feel good.""Yeah, whatever. I don't believe you," Alex shook his head."Well you should," she insisted before eyeing him carefully, "What the hell's wrong with you?"Alex sighed, "Luna had a BAER test, and um, we found out she's progressively losing her hearing."Meredith's heart sunk, "Oh, Alex-""The daycare mentioned it that they noticed she wasn't responding when they would call to her and suggested we check it out," Alex continued, "Jo is-"Meredith watched as he continued working. And as he continued to work his problem through in his mind."You don't know how to help because she's pushing you away? You're constantly fighting and barely speaking, right?" She finished for him, "I get it.""Do you?" he raised a brow before shaking his head, "You have it all figured out. You and Derek are batting three for three and have treehouses and ice-cream-""You were Zola's surgeon and Bailey's surgeon. Are you forgetting that?" she looked up with a raised brow, challenging his idealization of her successes in parenthood, "I know it's not the same. I'm sorry. I know."Alex sighed in resignation, "Me too."They continued working in silence for a moment before Meredith looked up at him again, "This weekend the kids crawled into bed with me and Derek.""Okay?""There's a point to my story, shut up and listen," she pointed at him with a clamp before handing it off to the scrub nurse."They haven't done that in years. I mean they were pretty good about sleeping on their own and they like having their own rooms, but when they were younger- on rainy days-, every now and then, they would run into the bed and we'd watch a movie."Meredith smiled as she the scampering of little feet replayed in her mind, "They'd fall asleep, they'd kick us to the edges of the bed, and snore so loudly we'd barely get any rest but it was perfect. Derek would let us sleep in the next morning and he'd make breakfast. I forgot what that felt like until last night."Alex snorted, "I still don't get what this has to do with me?""Everything was perfect," she shrugged, "My kids seemed perfectly happy and content.""But?""Then about a year ago Zo started having panic attacks. And then Bailey had his accident and he had a hard time with his temper and Ellis was feeling neglected," Meredith looked up, "They weren't just perfect and content. And Derek and I were fighting about it, blaming each other, yelling and screaming.""But, we did not hate each other- I mean we did but not like you think we did," she sighed, "We were just grieving this idea that we had that everything was fine and nothing could ever happen to our kids.""This is a life changing thing, Mer," Alex glanced at her before shaking his head, "Our whole lives are going to change.""Yeah," she agreed, "It is and what we're going through is very different, I know that too. But, if anyone can do it, it's the two of you."She glanced at their patient at the table. Jacob's father had given him the ultimate gift. A chance at a life. A chance to finish high school. Go to college if he wanted, get married. He had a chance because his father was more than willing to give all he had.She would do the same. She'd give every limb if she needed to and there was no doubt in her mind that the partner she'd chosen to raise children with would do the same. She and Derek would give everything. She thought of Jacob's parents. They were probably in the ICU, waiting hand in hand. Jacob's mother was probably holding onto her husband's hand as she waited for news about her son. All these parts of her- woman, wife, mother- waiting with her heart in hand to be told that everything would be okay. Meredith knew something about that.Parenthood was complex. It was fulfilling. It was hard. And it was worth it"This is the hard part, Alex. Moving forward when things don't go the way we hope for our kids. It's where we pick up the pieces and try to put it back together. Stronger. Better," she sighed, "Jo is grieving. She doesn't hate you. She is grieving the fact that her daughter's life is not what she imagined. But she will pick up the pieces with you. And Luna will be okay, she's got both of you."She could see his face crinkle under his mask in appreciation."You know for the record, I think you and Shepherd are doing the right thing," Alex muttered.Meredith smirked, "You think so? You don't think I'm gonna come running back after a week?""Not this time," he shook his head, "Doppler?"The doppler swished as he tried to listen to a pulse. Both doctors held their breath as they waited. There was nothing patient about it. Only precision and a quiet desperation that they had done their jobs. When the sweet sound finally penetrated the otherwise silent room, both surgeons released an exhale.They looked up to each other, sweet relief washing through their bodies knowing that Jacob would be okay.When Meredith Grey was five years old, her mother packed up what she could and ran away to Boston. Together, the mother and daughter lived in a small apartment. Meredith went to school and her mom's stomach got bigger. Then it wasn't. Ellis Grey started her fellowship at Mass. Meredith had started first grade. At least that's what she remembered years later.What Meredith didn't know at that time was that her mother was in fact pregnant and that she was struggling to merely breathe. Her heart was broken and her mind was focused on one thing only. Surgery.She had always been destined to be a genius surgeon and that destiny had been fulfilled at a great personal cost.Meredith understood that. She had almost understood what it felt like to lose the love of your life.
Now I have to raise my daughter alone. How am I expected to do that?
Mom…you did the best you could. You did the best you could, that's all anybody could do.
But she didn't. Instead, Meredith had done everything that Ellis couldn't. And she was extraordinary. Her life was filled with extraordinary."Hey!"Ellis looked down to the source of the very familiar and loving voice."Mommy!" She grinned broadly as she pulled her sketchbook close to her chest. Her legs dangled off the ledge of the treehouse as she swung them back and forth."Daddy knows you're up here?" Meredith asked, "or did you escape again?"She's been escaping quite often to that treehouse over the last few weeks. It was her sacred sanctuary. Where'd she go off and dream and hope and possibly plot out any kind of chaos."He said I had to go back when you got home," Ellis sighed at the sudden realization, "Bailey and Zola are finishing their homework, I think."Meredith raised a brow, "You know I'm the only one who hasn't been invited to see this super special treehouse your dad built for you.""I haven't invited you?" her brow furrowed in confusion and indignation."Nope."Ellis pressed her lips together tightly. How could she forget to invite her mom? She turned quickly to the tree house before offering, "Do you want to see it now?"Meredith grinned back at her daughter and nodded. A few more minutes in the house wouldn't hurt. Especially if she was up there with her. Derek would understand.Meredith watched as she turned back and dashed off before stepping up the stairs into Ellis' secret world. A luxury Meredith wasn't always sure she was welcome to. Ellis had spent many of her afternoons hidden away in the treehouse and sometimes she'd return quietly to her house. She'd run up there promising to finish her homework and return with drawing and illustrations detailing her life. Sometimes her siblings would join her and sometimes she preferred the solitude. It was a fortress of secrets.And she filled the entire space with every possible thing she could find that reminded her of each of her family members. It was her own world and her world was filled with everyone she loved. She had pictures of her siblings and her parents. And drawings and paintings. And books. It was a world she had curated for herself."Wow," Meredith gasped in awe, "You have a beautiful treehouse, Ms. Grey-Shepherd. You and your daddy really outdid yourselves."Ellis grinned as she nodded, "Look, mama, I put the picture that he took of us at the ice cream shop here."The little girl pointed to a photograph of the pair sitting on a table with sunglasses on and a strawberry ice cream cone in their hand. It was such a sassy photograph, one that had made Meredith laugh endlessly. If the Meredith Grey that had arrived in Seattle many years ago had seen that photograph, she would've laughed. Then again, that young woman hadn't thought any of this would be possible."I have pictures of everyone," Ellie motioned to the rest and turned in time to see her mother study them all. She detailed each photograph as if her mother didn't remember each moment. Meredith smiled at it all. Sometimes she saw herself so much in her daughter and other times there was this childlike optimism that she didn't recognize. She cherished it deeply."I love your treehouse, Ellie," Meredith whispered in awe as she moved to sit by the nook, "You are so creative."If Meredith could frame this moment, she would. Ellis, proud and content at her mother's approval, looked around the treehouse. She swayed lightly with her hands on her back."My teacher said moving was like an adventure," the little girl sighed, "she said it could be scary but that's what makes it an adventure.""Your teacher is very smart," Meredith grinned back, "I knew I liked her.""She is," Ellis agreed, "She said that it was starting a new chapter in my book."Meredith smiled. Sometimes, she craved to see the world the way her daughter did. Through wide open, curious eyes. Ellis knew that it was filled with people who desperately loved her and the thought of it being taken away had scared her deeply. But now, that rose colored view seemed to be returning."Mom, are we ever gonna come back?""Well, we'll visit your Aunt Amy and everybody when we can," Meredith offered, "And you know your dad and I still have important jobs here-""Are we gonna sell our house?"Meredith hadn't thought that her child would ask her that. She also hadn't noticed that the picture her daughter had been drawing was an amateur drawing of the dream home her father had built. Ellis pulled the sketchbook she held behind her back, letting her mother get a good look at the upside down drawing."No, baby girl," Meredith smiled, "We are not selling our home.""Bailey said we might," Ellis whispered as she let her mom pull her next to her. She leaned into the embrace she offered."Well, Bailey might've gotten the idea from someone at school but I can assure that Daddy and I don't ever want to sell it," Meredith promised as she shielded her daughter, "It's too special for us to sell.""So what's gonna happen to it?""For now, we don't know. We have an idea but we don't know yet," Meredith shrugged, "Can I see you drawing?"Ellis handed her the sketch book and sat next to her. Just like her siblings, her drawings had become art pieces set up in the gallery of their house. Meredith had always made sure that whatever they offered- art, music, success in school and sports- was appreciated. She celebrated each and every accomplishment and made them feel so extraordinary."I love this drawing," Meredith turned to her with a smile, "Can I keep it?"Ellis nodded happily, "You can keep it. That way you'll never forget our house here."Meredith pressed her lips to the top of her forehead. Maybe for now, her daughter wouldn't know the heavy weight of her words. And for now, she'd keep it that way. For as long as she could."You know," Meredith pulled her daughter closer until she was pressed against her, "when I think of home, I don't picture a house.""You don't? Why?""Because," Meredith shook her head, "I picture you and Bailey and Zo and your dad. My home is wherever you are."Ellis wrapped her arms tightly against her mom as she listened carefully."I think of seeing these pretty green eyes and listening to you tell me all about your day," Meredith smiled, "You're home, Ellie. Our family is home. No matter where you are."She could see a small smile creep onto her daughter's face before she echoed, "Family is home.""Hey," Meredith tilted her daughter's face to look at her, "You know how Daddy promised you a treehouse?""Yeah.""Well," Meredith smirked, "A long time ago- before you were born- your daddy promised to build us a house. This house. He had plans and ideas and he called it the dream house.""Really?" Ellis pulled herself away from her mother, her green eyes sparkled with curiosity, "Did you tell daddy you wanted a dream house? Like how I told him I wanted my treehouse?""No. I did not. It was his idea first," Meredith laughed as she thought back to the morning he first presented the blueprints."It's a classic Victorian design with an open floor plan."She wasn't ready. He was. She was terrified. He was certain. She pushed him. He pulled away. And yet, they still ran back to each other and eventually found themselves in the middle of their soon-to-be home.
And I was just gonna say that this over here is our kitchen! And this is our living room! And over there? That's the room where our kids could play! I had this whole thing about 'I was gonna build a house' but, I don't build houses because I'm a surgeon!
"But, I did build him a house of candles," Meredith turned to daughter with a smile gracing her features. This would be the first real story she'd share with her daughter about the Legend of Meredith and Derek.Her daughter's eyes widened with intrigue, "A house of candles?""Oh there she is," Derek smiled as Meredith opened the door. Ellis walked in beside her and ran to peek at what was being prepared in the kitchen, "I knew we were missing a little Grey-Shepherd.""Mama was up in the treehouse with me. I showed her everything," Ellis proudly announced, "Can I help you with the salad?""I can see that," he turned to the door and smiled as he saw his wife gaze at their daughter, "Go wash up and I promise you can help me finish. Ask Zo and Bails to help set the table, please!"He watched as she skipped away down to the hallway. His heart filled at the thought of his daughter's spark returning. It'd been missing after weeks of feeling alone and abandoned. Suddenly, it was as if she was given a cure to all the problems. And he knew who the cure was."She was showing her treasures up there," Meredith giggled as she removed her coat and placed it on the rack. She pushed up her sleeves and meandered over the kitchen. Her arms snuck up behind her husband and rested upon his chest. She pressed her lips between his shoulder blades and rested her cheek against his back savoring the sweet moment of bliss, "I didn't see you at the hospital, how was your day?""Busy," he relaxed into her embrace before quickly glancing behind him, "Clipped an aneurysm, consulted on a woman with non stop ringing in her ears which turned out to be an acoustic neuroma, and had a meeting with the interns today.""Mm," she hummed, taking in the smells of the roasted chicken he was cutting, "You told them you stepped down."She felt his chest as he exhaled."I did," he confirmed quietly before moving, "I left the letter on your desk."She tightened her hold on him, "Ellis showed me the treehouse. She has so many pictures up there of us and the other two. And Maggie and Amelia. And the time Cristina came to spend the holidays with us. And her nana. She has so many pictures of so many people and she loves them all so much.""Yeah, I'm pretty sure we're missing some of our pictures. She probably has them up there."Meredith laughed, "I wasn't like her when I was her age. I was lonely and usually stuck in the hospital waiting for my mother if I wasn't at school."Derek paused for a moment, he tilted his head slightly to get a glance at her before whispering, "You know you're not like her right? Those kids know you love them and that you'd do anything for them. You're a good mom, Meredith. All the love our little girl gives- all the love the three of them give? They get that from you."She hummed, lost in a thoughtful haze. Maybe she'd fully believe it one day but for now, she was comforted enough to hear it."The realtor called. We closed on the house this afternoon. ""We did? That's good!" Her nose pressed against his back before she pressed another reassuring kiss."Hey, you're clingy," He swayed lightly, "What's wrong?""I'm not clingy," she protested, "I'm holding my husband. I can't hold my husband?""You can, I'm not complaining. I like the holding," he chuckled before he turned to her, "But I also know you."He cupped her face and gently kissed her before pulling back and eyeing her carefully, "What's wrong?""Nothing's wrong," she couldn't help the slight giggle that escaped as his worried brow puzzled her. She smiled sincerely as she looped her fingers around the belt loops of his jeans. She looked into his eyes and paused for a moment. The last few months had been filled with so much worry, so much pain, so much anger and frustration. Zola's fear, Bailey's temper, the accident, Ellis' outbursts, the residency program, New York. It had all taken a toll on their lives. And when she looked back even further, she could see the other scars that marked them. The trainwreck, the ferry boat accident, the shooting, the adoption process, two births gone wrong, a collision, a sickness.Despite it all, they'd survived. They made it through. And for the briefest of moments, she could see a glimmer of hope in a place that once frightened her."I'm just really happy that things are looking so much better for the kids," Meredith whispered, "And for us."Their lives had been filled with an abundance of love when their children made their way into the world. Zola's curiosity, Bailey's ability to bring laughter, Ellis' creativity. It enriched their souls so deeply and sometimes they took for granted all the blessings they had been filled with.Derek smiled softly as his thumbs gently caressed her cheeks, "Even if we're-" he kissed her- "moving-" and pressed another kiss again- "to Boston?""Even if we're moving to Boston," she rolled her eyes before smiling into the last kiss he pressed on her lips, "If you keep doing that, whatever you got going on back there is gonna burn.""No, it's not," He pressed her against him as he kissed her deeply, her giggles providing sweet harmonies to his ear.When he finally pulled away, Meredith released a long winded sigh, "We are moving to Boston."Signed. Sealed. Done. There would be no backing out. No unsigned papers.Derek nodded, "We're moving to Boston."Bailey watched as his dad nudged an old crate with empty aluminum cans from the luggage compartment of his old trailer."I don't get it," Bailey furrowed his brow, "We're practicing with cans?"His dad picked up the baseball bat and made his way towards him."We're not practicing," Derek smiled as picked up a wooden bat from the grass, "Not today.""So what are we doing?" Bailey huffed, "Why are we here?""You're dad's losing it kid," Lucas teased from his spot. He'd been sitting on the porch quietly as he watched his uncle rummage around."I'm not losing it, Shep," Derek rolled his eyes before turning back to his son, "I was a little older than you were when my dad died. I uh, I was angry and I didn't know I was angry."Lucas turned to his younger cousin. He watched as the young boy hung onto every word his father said."And I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want to say the wrong thing and disappoint anyone. I wanted to protect everyone," Derek picked up an aluminum can. He tossed the glimmering can in the air and swatted it until the bat thwacked it far away. It traveled far enough but not too far that he wouldn't be able to find it when he was finished, "It's still hard for me to talk about things. I'm still learning."Lucas watched quietly before thinking about the weeks of silence that had gone between the two after the car accident. He thought of the way he hesitated to be open with him when he first walked through the doors of Grey Sloan."Why are we here Uncle Derek?" Lucas blinked at the tossed can before turning back to his uncle."You are here for moral support," Derek nodded once, "And you, son, are here to…"Derek sighed as he watched confusion cloud his son's eyes. Everyone had always said Bailey's eyes mirrored his own. Both were a deep blue that captured your attention and always had a glimmer behind them. Meredith said they were filled with mischief and delight. But sometimes, that blue was filled with sadness, anger, and disappointment. And Derek couldn't see that in his son's eyes any longer."We've asked a lot out of you. And you have been through a lot and kept most of it to yourself," Derek sighed, "You're gonna hit every can as far as you can for everything you are angry at.""Dad, I'm not angry-""That's what I once said," Derek smiled, "But you've got a lot of feelings and I've done a terrible job at showing you that it's okay to talk about them, which is why you tried to fix them with your fists," he moved to wrap his hand around his son's fists before letting them go, "So before we make this big move, this is your chance to be angry. At everything."He offered his son the bat. Bailey turned to Lucas who had no words of wisdom to offer. He merely shrugged and motioned for him to take it. Bailey moved to take the bat only for his father to pull it away."There's a catch," Derek smirked."What catch?""You're gonna make me the target, aren't you?" Lucas teased from his spot. He earned a laugh from his cousin and a glare from his uncle. Lucas raised his hands in defeat, leaving Derek to continue."Every time you hit the can, you're gonna say- with your words- what's making you angry," Derek explained, "I'm not gonna teach you to be destructive when you're angry. I'm teaching you to say what you're angry at. I'm teaching you to feel it."
You fight for your patients against the worst possible odds. But when things get messy personally, you're gone.
Derek offered the bat once more, "I'm teaching you how to let it go. So that next time, you can feel it and you can talk to someone. The hitting is a distraction for today.""So I can talk to you?" Bailey took the bat in his hands and adjusted his hat."I'd like that," Derek smiled, "And when you can't talk to me, you can talk to him."He turned to his nephew. Lucas offered a short wave in acknowledgement. Of course he'd be there for his cousin. He'd be there no matter what."Or mom or Zo or Ells. Or Aunt Amy or Aunt Maggie," Derek stuffed his hands in his pocket, "Anyone. Don't keep it in."Bailey gripped the bat tightly as he trudged down to the box of cans. He stared at them for a moment as his dad walked towards the old wooden porch and sat next to his nephew."What inspired this?" Lucas asked as he offered him a spare water bottle."You did," Derek sighed as he thanked him, "You were yelling at me all these frustrations you've had for years and a while back, so did Amy. And I did it to Mer too. He has that tendency."Lucas looked towards his cousin. Bailey tossed the can in the air."Must be a Shepherd thing," Lucas muttered. Derek nodded.
Thwack!
"I'm mad that we lost our baseball match and didn't make the finals." he said. He felt silly. He felt…odd.
Thwack!
"I'm mad I couldn't try out for hockey," Bailey said a little louder.Lucas grimaced, "Were you really gonna let him try out for hockey? I would've thought you wouldn't let him do contact sports.""He found out I played and used it against me," Derek shook his head, "You know a part of me is relieved he didn't get to do it. The thought of him getting hit out there scared the crap out of me after seeing it first hand. But my kid's stubborn.""That's also a Shepherd thing," Lucas chuckled.Derek nodded, "And a Grey thing."
Thwack!
"Amelia is moving out of Mer's old house," Derek commented, "Are you moving in with her?""Uh, no.""Oh," Derek furrowed his brow, "I'm uh, selling this old thing but I'm happy to-""No offense, but I'm not moving into this thing," Lucas scoffed, "I wouldn't be able to park it anywhere close to the hospital.""So then what are you gonna do?""Youth hostel with a roach problem," he sipped on the bottle, "What?""Youth hostel? With a roach problem? Shep-""I'm kidding," Lucas chuckled, "Aunt Mer told me to find some roommates and she'd rent out the house to us.""Really?" Derek furrowed his brows.That house had a deep rooted history. Meredith Grey had opened the doors to anyone that needed a door to open. And even when she'd moved on to the dream house, she was still often found there.Funny, now it'd be passed down to a new intern and his own set of roommates.
Thwack!
"I'm mad that I got a C on my science report!" Bailey called out."You got a what?" Derek's eyes widened before he composed himself and released a slight, frustrated groan, "I'm- agh, nevermind, not now, keep going!"Lucas chuckled before shaking his head, "It's fine, I got one too when I was your age."Derek shot darts at his nephew."Hey, I still went to med school. Give the kid a break, he's been through a lot," Lucas shrugged before turning back to his cousin. He noticed how he stared at the can in his hands. There was a little more gusto in the way he tossed the can in the air and the way he swung his bat.
Thwack!
"I'm mad that Benjamin said Zola wasn't my sister!" Bailey shouted.Derek swallowed, as if knowing where this was heading, "Here we go."
Thwack!
"I'm mad that I was in a car crash!"
Thwack!
"I'm mad that I couldn't be there for my friends because I was in an accident!"
Thwack!
"I'm mad that Lucas didn't visit me!"Lucas hung his head low before turning to his uncle again. "You sure this was a good idea?"Derek shushed him, "Listen."
Thwack!
Bailey pursed his lips together, his nose scrunched and his brow furrowed, "I'm mad that I wasn't a good brother when Zola needed me and when Ellis needed me!"Derek watched the sweat on his son's brow.
Thwack!
"I'm mad that I always have to be a good brother!"
Thwack!
Lucas furrowed his brow with concern, "Shouldn't you-""Not yet," Derek shook his head.
Thwack!
"I don't get to stay with my friends and I don't get to be mad about it because my sisters are going through something I don't get! And I'm mad that I feel that way! And I'm mad at mom and dad because-"His head snapped to his father. Derek leaned forward, both elbows on his knees as he watched and listened."Dad, I didn't mean it!" Bailey panicked. He'd never said something like that. He didn't even know he was so angry."Yes, you did," Derek nodded understandingly, "It's okay. Follow it through, keep going."Bailey heaved heavily. The grip he had on the bat loosened and the clang echoed in the woods as he released it."Bailey, it's okay," Derek called out again, "Let it go."A sob escaped the young boy, "I'm trying to be good and I'm trying to be perfect but I don't think I can do it anymore because I'm scared too."Derek pushed himself off the porch and ran to his son. His arms wrapped around the boy and held him tightly as he sobbed into his shirt. He'd been scared for a long time. He'd been scared after he saw his sister walk into their house with tear stains on her face. And yet he promised he would fix it. He was scared when someone had told him his sister wasn't his sister and yet he stood up for her. He was scared when he was on a gurney and yet he put on a brave face for his parents. He was scared when he found out his life would be flipped. And yet he accepted it and moved forward for his sister."It's okay," Derek whispered as he pressed his lips on his floppy blonde tresses, "It's okay, Bailey."The young boy wrapped his arms around his father tightly as he released everything he had been holding onto. Derek had once felt the same way. An overwhelming need to be perfect and to be dependable. An overwhelming need to protect everyone and to put a brave face. But it wasn't fair on the twelve year old kid then. And it certainly wasn't fair for the kid in his arms, now."I know you're mad. And I know you want to be perfect but it's okay. You are such a strong kid, you hear me? And you are good," he wrapped his hands around his son's face, "This pain you feel? This is the healing part, Bailey. You're healing."Meredith stared at the blinking cursor, her brow furrowed in deep concentration as she stared at the damn thing blinking over and over again. And over. And over. And over again. Punctuating her procrastination. She should've already written the damn thing weeks ago. She was chief for God's sake, and she should've already informed the board and her fellow colleagues that her time at Grey Sloan was coming to a close. She should've, but she didn't.As her fingers began to type, she felt a pair of warm lips on the back of her head, their soft touch breaking whatever ounce of concentration she had."I'm gonna get out of your hair for a bit."Meredith looked up from her screen as Derek reached for a pair of keys long forgotten on the tray left at their shared desk, "Where are you going?""To the trailer," he sighed as he slipped on his leather jacket, his brows knit briefly before he smiled, "I figured the kids are spending the night with Amy; you still can't get that thing written out-""I will write it! I just can't- I will write it!"He glanced at the monitor quickly and made out the two words she had typed.
Friends and Colleagues,
That's it. Three words and a comma. She spent nearly two hours in front of the computer screen, and it was all she had written. His eyes slowly met hers once more, and the slight stubborn determination she had slightly turned into a sheepish and frustrated glare, as if telling him not to even try to mention her lack of words.He chuckled before he stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jacket, "I found a buyer. He'll be here sometime over the weekend. I just wanted to go to the trailer and make sure it's ready to go."He didn't think the trailer would sell so fast. Frankly, he was certain he'd never get rid of the damn thing, and there was a slight comfort he found in that. But when someone had replied to the online post he'd put on the site he was sure no one used anymore, he had no choice but to face parting with his once-home.Meredith watched as his eyes became distant, "Are you okay?"He turned to her and shook away whatever thought he was lost in, "If you're thinking I'm still upset about the program-"Meredith shook her head, "It's your trailer, Derek. It's not just a small thing. We both know that trailer means something and you're letting it go-""It's time," he reached towards her, his hands gripping the back of her chair as he gently pressed a soft, lingering kiss to her lips. He pulled away and caressed her cheek gently, "It's been empty for months and we're leaving. I'm okay. I promise."Meredith shook her head, unconvinced, "Is it what happened with Bailey the other day? When he said he was mad at us?""No," He moved to lean against the desk and crossed his arms. He released a long sigh as he thought about his boy clutching on to him, "You know he's been angry this whole time and he's been putting on a brave face but when he finally said the truth, and he let me hold him, I can't explain it but I saw the weight lift off his shoulders. He needed that."Meredith nodded. It'd been a breakthrough for their son. It'd been a moment where his emotions hadn't balled into a fist or turned into mean words. It'd been a moment where he felt all of the emotions coursing through him and where his father had made it safe for him to feel them."You're a good dad," Meredith whispered.He pressed his lips together, thankful for the reassurance and yet a little unsure of how much he believed it. He tried, God and any other being out there knew he had, but he wasn't always sure about it."You do know I was joking this morning when I threatened to kick you out if you didn't shave right?" she raised a brow teasingly."I don't know," his face crinkled as he laughed sincerely at the change of tone. He made his way towards the door before turning back to her, "Maybe one day you'll mean it."The door slammed behind him as he stepped into the trailer. He turned on the lights and looked around. It had been empty for years. No dishes, no clothes, no remnants of anyone living there. Just a sheet over the mattress, a pillow, and a blanket left at the edge of the bed. It was hardly a bed at all.The first time he stepped into the trailer felt like a lifetime ago. Richard Webber had been after him for years. He tried to convince him to follow him to Seattle when he announced his departure from New York. He promised Derek he would be a department head in no time. But Derek had plans. He and Addison Montgomery had plans. They had purchased a brownstone, and he would open a private practice soon.They had plans. But those plans were never meant to be.As he looked around the trailer, Derek thought of his first year in Seattle. He packed his things and ran. He bought the land, the trailer, and he hid in there until Richard insisted that he needed to be at the damn mixer that was planned for the new interns.He had no interest in doing so. Instead, he walked into a bar, and the rest…was a long story.
"I'm having second thoughts, okay. Maybe this isn't for me."
"No one leaves Park Ave. as a favor. You need this."
"I don't have anything to prove."
"You're a one procedure hack with a house in the Hamptons," Richard took a step closer. His eyes locked on his, "You have everything to prove."
Derek swallowed as he heard Richard step away. He was right. He had a lot to prove. He had to prove that he was more than a one-procedure hack whose wife had cheated with his best friend.
He just couldn't show it, "I'm enjoying this talk. Really, thanks! You're as much fun as ever."
"Shep, you were falling asleep back there. This is your second chance. To prove how good you can be. Don't let fear of failure get in the way."
And amongst that story was a complicated triangle. Derek leaned against the counter. For a brief moment, the flash of a redhead appeared.Addison hated the trailer. She hated the confined space. She hated the lack of room to move around. She hated that she didn't have her giant closet to stuff her nine hundred dollar shoes in. She hated that he snuck out to fish. She hated it all.But the blonde that he met at the bar enjoyed their escapades in the trailer. She lounged around in nothing but oversized shirts and followed him to the lake where they swam—where he discovered she was a good swimmer. She understood that he needed his space to get away from everything and everyone.
I can't believe you would consider moving out of your trailer. The view alone-
Mm-hm, See the mist rise off the lake.
Yeah.
Yeah. I'm not moving.
She just got him.She always had.
Meredith wasn't a fling. She wasn't revenge. I fell in love with her.
The whole world could burn into flames, but in this trailer, the pair could be in their own oasis.The whole world could burn, and he could hide in here with his fishing gear and just… be.She was supposed to give him space. At least that's what she translated what he'd told her a while ago. He needed the space to gather whatever he needed to and to bid farewell to something that was just so…him.Yet, here she was, walking towards the stupid trailer like she had all those years ago.
What are you doing here?
I wanted you to know where I was so I thought I'd come and tell you.
"Hey," Meredith stepped into the trailer with a smile on her face. It reminded him of the times she'd surprised him and joined him."Hey," Derek looked up at her and smiled crookedly, "What are you doing here?""You've been gone a while, and the house is too big and too quiet," Meredith leaned against the door frame. A loud thud echoed as the door closed behind her as she watched Derek wipe, whatever the thing was, with an old cloth, "You almost done?"Yeah," he nodded slightly and gently placed the gear in its proper box that sat on the table. He closed it as he quickly looked around and took stock of the empty thing, "Aside from this, there's nothing really left in here. I just want to make sure it's ready for him to pick up—not that that's how I got it when I bought it."He turned back to dust off the cabinet with the rag he was using. Derek had been an organized person by nature, but months left abandoned meant that the trailer was bound to be in less than clean conditions."That was pretty fast," Meredith sighed. She removed her tan trench coat and carelessly tossed it on the couch behind her, just like she had many times in what felt like a lifetime ago. She smiled as her eyes glimmered with mischief, "I thought it'd take a while before someone picked up this hunk of junk.""Hey," Derek turned to her with a light frown, "This trailer was good to me when I first got here. It deserves some respect."Meredith giggled. This trailer, this land, had been a part of who Derek was. When the rumor swirled that he'd be selling those in favor of a house with his then-wife, she thought that the guy she had met in the bar had been truly gone, and whatever history they'd made would be just that. History."Besides, I remember you spending a few nights here very comfortably," he raised his brow before closing the cabinet above him, "You seemed to enjoy those nights.""Oh yeah," she raised a brow teasingly, "Especially when you slept outside on the hammock and left me alone to my abandonment issues."He burst out in laughter at the old memory. The old hammock may have been gone, but the memories of sleepless nights had not, "I didn't want to hurt your feelings and tell you your snores wouldn't let me sleep.""Oh, whatever," she waved him off as she looked around, "I can't believe you're actually getting rid of the trailer.""Mmh," he hummed as he offered her a water bottle he'd brought with him earlier, "Honestly, it didn't really feel like mine anymore. Alex and Izzie lived here. Then Alex lived here on his own. Owen lived here. And it's been empty for a while now."Meredith smiled as she brushed past him. She opened the door to the pathetic closet and smiled, "I turned you into a person who took in strays."He watched as she slowly took in everything about the trailer, just like the first time when she had shed her white coat and dropped it on the couch. She'd slowly given herself a quiet tour.
"Why does a neurosurgeon with a large salary live in a trailer?"
"To keep the mystery alive."
"Yeah, you did," he chuckled, "Were you gonna tell me you offered Shep the frat house?""Oh, right," Meredith sighed, "I meant to, I just forgot. Sorry.""It's your house," Derek laughed, "You're can do whatever you want, I'm just surprised.""It hasn't been my house in a while," she shrugged as she echoed his own reasoning, "And I don't know, I think it would help him if he had roommates. It helped me when I had George and Izzie, and Alex and Lexie. And April and Jackson. It even helped Amy and Maggie.""God so many people lived in that house, you really did pick up strays" they laughed together as they thought of the times when they shared that house. He had been patient about it, but he was more than eager for their house to be finished.His eyes wandered up and down her frame as he took her in. He took in the peaceful silence that had developed between them as they piled the years of marriage and partnership.She explored the empty cabinets, reminiscing about the night she spent asking question after question. A night that led to little to no answers and yet revealed everything.Sensing his gaze, she turned to him and was met with a pensive gaze. His lips slightly curled as he offered her a warm smile."What?""Nothing, just," Derek shook his head gently, "Just you."Meredith smiled at the way a curl stuck to his slightly sweaty forehead, "You know I never really noticed.""Noticed what?""You and the trailer are just like Ellis and her treehouse. You both like to hide in your own little world," Meredith giggled as she heard the chuckle she'd earned from him, "Remember, the night you first brought me here."He grinned, "What about it?""I'd been nagging you to show me your place or to tell me more about yourself, and you just kept telling me to take it on faith—which was the stupidest thing you could tell me if you think about it.""I was an idiot," he sighed before staring at her for a moment, "Be honest, if I had told you about Addison would it have changed things between you and me? Would you have gone home with me that night? "She thought about it for a moment before releasing a long winded sigh, "No."He nodded. He knew the answer before even asking it. But the regret was still there."I should have told you," he hung his head low as if he had been reprimanded and had been asking for forgiveness, "I know I should have told you."He kept a massive secret from her, and it blew up right in his face...and hers. His reasons for leaving Addison weren't so black and white. It was an irreparable marriage and she ended up as collateral damage. It broke her and nearly ruined her. And whatever trust she'd built before then had been broken."Things were complicated," she whispered. She languidly made her way to the tiny bedroom. Her eyes roamed the room as countless memories flooded through her mind, "We were so complicated."
"I just want to lie here for a few more minutes."
"I fell in love with you in this trailer, did I ever tell you that?"He turned to her. He had told her he realized he had fallen in love with her as he watched her drill burr holes for the first time."You brought me here after I told you I'd be keeping my pants on," she giggled, "I don't know, you just listed off a bunch of things that are so trivial, but I thought they are everything.""Izzie told me I had been falling for you long before that, but," her voice lowered as she recalled the night she first spent here, "But I was stubborn and I didn't want to- I didn't know-…""You're still stubborn."She scoffed and rolled her eyes."I was too scared to say it out loud," her voice faded slightly before she laughed and stepped closer to him, "So I didn't."His brows crinkled together, "Until you told me in the scrub room."She leaned against the shower door as she echoed, "Until I told you in the scrub room."She begged him. Actually begged him and yet he still chose someone else. Truthfully, she sometimes wished she could go back and push herself for begging. But it had been the first true time she had ever fought for love. The first time she was willing to risk it all.Meredith smiled as she took another step closer to him, nearly closing any space between the pair, "Your mother's maiden name is Maloney. Good woman, keeps a tight ship, and can read everyone like a book. You have four snarky sisters—except Amy. She's just a little crazy and she feels too much, but I love her, she's my sister.""Yeah, and she's watching the kids tonight, so we'll give the crazy a pass," he smiled as he tossed the towel somewhere on the counter.Meredith nodded, "You have nine nieces, six nephews—Lucas is the favorite, but he might have been dethroned by Scout."Derek chuckled, "Don't tell him that; he'll hate that.""You still enjoy a good single malt scotch—you can't keep tequila down for shit," she smirked, "and coffee ice cream is your favorite.""I've never seen you smoke a cigar—which is good because Cristina would kill you, especially after she—" she didn't finish the sentence. She'll kill him after putting his heart back together."You're still a cheater when it comes to crossword puzzles, and sadly you've roped Zola into helping you with the—""It's not cheating if it's teamwork-""-and you've roped the other two into fly fishing! You are a terrible dancer, which is why you don't dance in public—and unfortunately your son has inherited your skills at that," she took another step closer, "Favorite novel is The Sun Also Rises, favorite band is The Clash, your favorite color is blue—and you look damn good in it.""That scar on your forehead is not the only one you have," she whispered as she raised her hand, her thumb gently soothing the faint scar before she raked her fingers through his hair. Her lithe finger found the scar from a time she nearly lost him, "You have other scars. Like how your dad died when you were young, and you had to be the one to take care of your sister."Those are deeper. Those scars are invisible. And those scars hurt the most."You had all this land and you didn't know what to do with it," she continued, "Until you built a house for your wife and kids."She reached to wrap her arms behind his neck, her hands rested against the base of his head where her fingers tangled in his curls, "You're more than a surgeon and more than the director of a program. I know you, Derek Shepherd. This time, I really know you.""I'm not-""You used to run here every time you were fighting with yourself," Meredith smiled, "Whenever you are fighting with what you want and what you think is the right thing to do, you run here.""That's not true, I-," he mirrored her stance and pressed his lips together as he watched her raise her brow in amusement, "I can't hide from you. Even if I wanted to, I can't ever hide from you."That much is true. Derek Shepherd, thought hard as he'd try, could never hide away from the love of his life. She could call his bluff, she could call him out, she could save him in the moments where the world was just drowning him."You know, I know you just as well?" He quickly glanced down at her tempting lips before turning back to her eyes. The emeralds he found were often hard to read. But with time, he became fluent and knew when they were hiding secrets and when they were sharing secrets."You do?," she whispered back."Mmhm," he smiled, "You came here because you're avoiding that letter of resignation.""I am not!" she pulled back and widened her eyes at the accusation, "I'm not avoiding-""You're ready to leave but you're scared you're letting everyone down," he tilted his head, "You always are."There's not much he can say that would surprise her. He's the man that remembers details vividly. He could recall every detail of the moment he met Zola. Every shriek and cry he heard when Bailey and Ellis were born.And every detail of their last kiss. Of the one before a crash threatened it all. And the kiss they shared after they signed their post-it. Of the time he kissed her when he proclaimed he'd spend the rest of his life with her. The time he kissed her in the middle of the house of candles she'd built, promising a future no matter the fear. And the one before the past caught up with him in the hospital lobby.And the first kiss that was simply…the kiss."You're hiding, Meredith," he whispered, "You shouldn't be hiding."It felt like she was. It's why she had decided to join him in the trailer in the first place. To run from the fact that she was feeling the weight of her choices come down on her again."You're worried that you're letting people down but have you realized that all this time all you've done is put everyone else first before you.""It doesn't feel that way-""It is that way," he insisted, "You stayed because everyone was scared of what would happen without you. You knew that it would be okay and you made it okay for everyone.""It wasn't just them," Meredith shook her head, "Zo didn't want to leave and neither did Bails or Ellie. They weren't ready.""But now they are," He smiled before pressing a chaste kiss to her lips, "So are you."She exhaled lightly as her head dipped to stare at her shoes. Her bangs covered her face lightly, hiding her away from the truth that Derek Shepherd always seemed to know. She felt his index finger lightly rest under her chin, lightly raising her face towards him."You want to know what I see?"She raised her chin slightly, daring him to tell her everything."The person who stopped swimming? She found a way to swim again."She's taken aback. She thought she'd left that person behind long, long ago. She was a forgotten part of herself."This year, with the hospital and the kids? This family - our family- stayed above water because of you," he stepped into her space. Meredith couldn't take her eyes away from his own. She could see he's being honest and sincere. A vulnerability he has absolutely no shame in showing, "Zola feels safe because she knows you'll move heaven and earth for her. Bailey's accident scared the crap out of us and you didn't budge for one second- even when we were fighting, you made sure he knew we had him.""And Ellis? Oh you just knew exactly what she needed. You've made sure she knows she's not ordinary in the slightest," he swallowed a lump and Meredith could see he's filled with an overwhelming emotion.Their children are everything. Everything. And they've both had doubts and they've both blamed each other and they've let their past scare each other away."You've given a lot of yourself up, Meredith," he removed his hand and stuffed it in his pocket. He nodded solemnly knowing that he had asked just as much as everyone else had. He'd taken and he'd taken and he tried to give. But even he knew she deserved more."You know what? You-You're being selfish!""Well I have to be, Derek because you believe that your career is more important than mine.""You have more than earned the right to be as selfish as you need to be," he swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat.Those two strangers that had been in the trailer one night, those two broken lovers that hid out from the world, had grown up. There was no fear. No insecurity, no doubt. Just two people who built trust, and love, and a home. Who were still scared but were willing to brave it all no matter what.Their lips met. Slowly and sweetly. He pulled her closer, their chests pressed together until the palm of her hands snuck into the gray shirt he wore. He raised his hands as she pulled it off, their lips briefly separating before crashing once more. His fingers found the buttons of her jeans and he shoved them off. The once cold, small, confined space in the trailer became warm with their impassioned movements.Their discarded clothes left a trail leading towards the bed they'd shared years ago. And this time, she took the lead. She didn't hear the clank of his belt buckle when it landed on the floor, instead focusing on each and every touch, each kiss, and each caress. On the way his skin felt hot under her hands. On the way his skin tasted of salt, the way her body responded to his, and the scent that was so distinctly him.It wasn't until she gently floated down the old mattress that his blue eyes met her own. And before she could pull him down, her fingers slowly caressed his face, studying every wrinkle, mark, scar, and sun spot.Her eyes met his, and they stared at her like he was holding the world. Like she's a miracle and he has mere seconds to cherish it. And in a way, they are.He sensed her need to look away, to resume what they started because sometimes it's too much. It's too much to feel it all and yet she can't have enough of it. So instead, he wrapped his hand around her cheek and kissed her. Deeply. Like the world was ending and this was their last night.And when there was nothing left between them, no clothing, no pretenses, she took him. He groaned against her neck as her fingers tangled in his hair. Her other hand tried to cling to anything, anywhere and all she found was the softness of his tan skin. She let her hands wander across the whirls upon his chest and down to his ribs. Her fingertips caressed scars and marks until the traveled back to his shoulders.When her palms gently pushed him back, he relinquished all control. And truthfully he didn't care. He'd been trying to be in control for such a long time, that he finally succumbed to whatever happened. Not just in that moment, but in everything that could happen. In everything that would happen. He could put his beating heart in her hand and know he'd be safe.She sighed as he left fingerprints upon her body. When his lips whispered sweet nothings to her and when they reached to trail a pathway from her neck to her collarbone. When his palms traveled her back and his lips left soft marks. She was safe. She was loved. And there was nothing to fear as long as she was in his arms.He touched. He loved. He worshiped. And gave in entirely.There was nothing holding them back now. There was no one to hide from. The sounds of their love echoed in the aluminum walls of the trailer while the pitter patter of the rain drowned it out, once again providing sanctuary- for the both of them.The rain was still falling rapidly on the skylight. There was hardly any moonlight peering through, instead the light fixture above the bed provided a glimmer light, just enough to make each other out in the darkness."Montana."Meredith scoffed, "Montana?""I could fly fish out there, you know?" he smirked as he shifted. The sheet rustled around him as he reached to thread his fingers with hers, "Park the trailer out in the mountains, find somewhere to sit outside in the fresh air and the quiet.""Typical of you to hide out in the middle of nowhere," she smirked. She slowly sunk deeper into the pillow cradling her head. She rested on her side as he rested on his back. They'd found comfort in the sounds coming from the outside and warmth in each other's embrace."What about you?" He reached to kiss her lips soundly before falling back onto his pillow, he licked his lips savoring the taste before his teeth glimmered in the dim moonlight, "Where would you have gone if you hadn't come back to Seattle?""I probably would've stayed in Greece. No, Italy. Definitely Italy," she raised her brows with a grin and he couldn't help but to be infected with her playful mood."Why Italy?""Because I'd do nothing but lounge by an empty beach. I'd read books, sleep on hammocks," She smiled at the memory, "Nothing else would have mattered. And no one really cared about anything else out there so that's all I did when I backpacked out there.""You and I both know that's not all you-""I am not telling you any more stories about Death and Die ever again," she giggled, "Besides the weather out in Italy is far better than-""Don't trash my Montana dreams, Mer," he chuckled knowing exactly where she was leading to.She watched as his gaze turned to the rain falling above them. There's still this inexplicable torch of passion between the two of them. After a lengthy marriage and three children, they still look for each other. The sex isn't just simply sex and mockery, it's not just some carnal desire brought up from months of anger or lack of communication. Its intimacy. A moment to reaffirm that no matter how they started, what they had was deeper. What they have has grown into a true marriage. A partnership between two people who share their lives. Who celebrate each other's triumphs and mourn each other's losses. She's the first person he thinks of when he's had a terrible day at work. He's the first person she runs to when she wants to celebrate a victory. They're each other's company and each other's keepers. They fight, they yell, and they've learned to savor it all.It was a great, true love. And there was no end to it in sight."We should do that," he pulled her hand gently until she was pressed up against him and her arm was wrapped around his torso.She inhaled his scent as she pressed a soft kiss against his chest and let her lips wander up his neck until she reached his jaw, "Do what?""Italy. And Montana. We could pack some bags and the kids and just get away," he whispered again, "The five of us."He could picture it so clearly. He could see it so clearly and truthfully, he didn't mind being on a forgotten beach rather than the misty mountains. All he needed and all he wanted was the peacefulness his family provided. The joy his children gave him. And the abundance of love he had for his wife.Meredith pulled her lips away, her torso pressed against his as her hair cascaded down the side of her neck. He smiled at her knowing that once upon a time, she'd run. She'd run as fast as she could as far as she could. But now she was here and he'd captured her interest with a fantasy he'd' dreamed of. They were both here and they would never run."They're gonna grow up and they're gonna go off into the world," he whispered as he pictured a blonde lithe young woman, commanding her own kitchen. A young man with blue eyes out in the world being of service to others. And a dark haired, brown eyed, young woman in a white coat, "One day they'll be off carving their own path- maybe they'll be doctors, maybe not, who knows. And then it'll be you and me.She shifted slightly, "You and me?""Yeah," Derek smiled, "We could stop for a while and we can just disappear. Just be us."Meredith pressed a palm on his chest, her head dipping down until her chin rested on her hand. She smiled because the sound of it all, to run away and leave their problems behind, is one she's secretly toyed with many times. And he's always been good at promising forever. At whispering sweet fantasies and constructing castles on clouds because he's always been the optimist. He's always seen the good and he's always helped her see that there was always some light amidst all the darkness.There was always hope.She watched him for a moment, peering at him through her eyelashes as he promised the world and more. It's what he's always done. He's told her everything he could ever hope to hear.And yet a small window of fear sneaks in."I don't want to just cure Alzheimer's." she blurted, "And I don't want you to just find all these cures for these tumors either. I mean, I do want to find it and I do want you to do well. But I don't want to just do that, I want-"He pressed his lips together. They're both ambitious people. They're both driven and dedicated to a profession they worked hard to achieve. They're both excellent at what they do and their names are synonymous with world-class."What do you mean?""I mean," she sighed, "I want us to be good at this. At all of it, I want us to give those three kids a life that they can look back on and know that they are so loved. I don't-"She sighed, "I don't want them to feel disappointed. Or angry. Or sad, or heartbroken like we did when we were growing up. I want them to have better.""I want that too" he whispered as he reached to push a loose lock behind her ear, "I want that more than anything.""You and me, Derek," she whispered, "I want us."It's her turn to say it now. She's been terrified of change and terrified of the unknown. But one thing is certain.
This is forever.
She raised her head and met his lips with her own, a silent promise that this- what they have, and what they've fought for- has no ending in sight.Derek smiled, his signature grin plastered on his handsome face. He reached over to kiss her once more, his hand snaking under her. Her leg wrapped around him, and once again, they welcomed the rain as the soundtrack to their night.She told him she wanted more. She told him she wanted more of each other. She confessed all this without a single doubt in mind. And in the morning when he asks, she'll repeat it again. And again. And again. Because a life well lived, isn't just a life in the hospital like her mother gave her. Her kids deserved to see everything and anything. They deserved to kick down doors and break windows to get where they wanted to.Meredith wasn't scared anymore. There was nothing to be scared of.She watched as his chest rose with each breath."Derek?"He continued to sleep unaware of her whisper. She smiled before running a finger down the bridge of his crooked nose and down to his lips."Derek?"He breathed in sharply and slightly opened his eyes before closing them again and pulling her closer, "Wha's wrong? You 'kay? Cold? You want to go back to the house?"Granted the trailer is freezing and there was no central heating in sight. However, the warmth she felt in his arms was all she needed."No, I just," she exhaled softly before pressing a kiss to his lips, "I love you."She's not scared to whisper it into the darkness. She's not terrified to put down all her cards and risk it all. And she's not begging him to love her back.It's just a simple fact.Meredith Grey loved Derek Shepherd. And there was no doubt- absolutely no doubt- that Derek Shepherd loved Meredith Grey.He'd choose her over and over again.His eyes opened, the corners of his mouth turned into a gentle smile, "I love you."It's how it should have been from the beginning. Two strangers getting to know each other. With no walls and no pretenses. No secrets between them. Just a guy and a girl slowly but surely opening and promising the world. Deeply and irrevocably falling in love.They were greeted by the sunlight intruding through the curtains above them. He's always been a light sleeper, and this time, she's surprised when she still feels his heavy body wrapped around her. She can't complain too much because his arms and his torso are like a furnace and the brutal cold air from the rain is still plaguing the air.It feels like it used to years ago. Slow, hazy, and comfortable, wrapped in nothing but each other. A delicious ache in her muscles and a desire to stay in bed and relive the memory of his body moving against hers, of his lips caressing hers, and whispered promises they'd made to each other.But reality settles in when she reaches for the watch he gently tossed on the small nook he used as a nightstand.Her eyes widen as she drops it back down and shoves the crap cloth for a blanket off and carelessly tosses it against the man sleeping next to her, "Derek! Get up! We have to get up!"He groaned groggily, "What? Meredith come back to-""No!" she pulled her jeans on before tossing his clothes at him, "We're late. The kids are gonna be home any minute and they cannot catch us doing the walk of shame back to our own house!"Derek pushed himself off the mattress and shoved his shirt on, "Oh c'mon they'll probably wake up late. Amy won't bring them back until-""No, we gotta go," she insisted, "I'm gonna go back to the house and take a shower, okay? And when I come out, you're gonna have breakfast on the table!"Derek sighed in disappointment as he pulled himself off the bed and finished clothing himself, "Pancakes or waffles?"She quickly made her way to the door before he made an attempt to reach for her. Meredith turned to him one last time before she let the metal door close behind her one last time."Waffles!""I'm done with my boxes," Zola walked into her parents' room, the soft creak of the wooden floor beneath her echoing through the cozy space. Moving boxes stood half-open. The bed, once a sanctuary of rest, now served as a makeshift workstation, covered in stacks of clothes yet to be sorted and packed. "I labeled them and I put the donation box by the door."Meredith looked up to her daughter from her own spot, "How did you finish so fast?"Zola shrugged, "I kinda had a head start."Her eyes glanced towards her father who offered a knowing smile. Her box in the back of the closet had been labeled 'keep' as soon as her dad had walked out of the bedroom a few nights ago. Some things, though childlike as they may be, were too precious to let go.Zola lingered for a moment and watched as her parents continued packing. She searched through a box full of miscellaneous objects until she pulled out a deep violet ball of knitting wool, "Mom, you knit?""No, she doesn't!" Derek's head popped out of the closet, "Toss that in the fireplace, Zo!"Zola furrowed her brows as her mother laughed heartily."That's stuff we're getting rid of honey," Meredith explained, "But knitting is good for surgical dexterity."Zola nodded before tossing the knitting set back in the box. Her eyes flickered to a small clear shadow box hanging above their bed frame. She'd heard the post-it story several times. She'd read the vows in front of all her aunts and uncles and heard her parents repeat them as they renewed their everlasting promises.They promised to love each other…even when they hated each other. No running, whatever that meant. And they promised to take care of each other when they were senile and smelly. They'd always taken care of each other and they'd always taken care of her and her siblings."Hey, Zo, can you do me a favor and check on your brother and sister?" Meredith asked as she stood from the bed to reach for another box, "You guys can order a pizza if you're hungry?"Zola shook away her thoughts and nodded before stepping out of the room. She smiled as she heard her mother thank her but stopped for a moment before walking back into the room."Um, Mom? Dad?""You okay, princess?" Derek looked up, "What's up?""I know that you said you'd do anything for me," Zola exhaled, "But this is pretty big."Derek sighed as he tossed a shirt into a box, "Zo-""I just want to say 'thank you'," Zola smiled, "I'm really lucky you were my doctor that day and mom said she wanted to be my mama. You're the best medicine I could have."Those words had been echoed before. They'd been told when their children had been the lifeline they needed in difficult times. After accidents and attacks. After chaos that nearly ruined their lives.Derek dropped the shirt he had been folding and made his way towards his daughter. His hands tenderly cupped her cheeks just like he had done a million times before, "I told you, we'd do anything for you Zozo. Anything.""We're lucky you chose us, Zola," Meredith smiled, "We should be thanking you."The young girl that was standing in front of them was growing into a beautiful young woman with a kind heart and a brilliant mind.Zola smiled and walked out of the room."We lucked out with our kid," Derek sighed as he walked back to resume his task, "She's just so brilliant.""We did," Meredith echoed his sigh before looking at the room scattered with boxes. The boxes had slowly been filled with all remnants of the life they'd shared together over the last whatever years it had been. Once upon a time, it seemed nearly impossible that their lives could merge together so easily. She snored. He was a light sleeper. He enjoyed privacy. She took in strays. He was ready to jump in all the way. She was slowly learning to lean into the fear of having a happy ending. She probably wouldn't have guessed that this home they created easily merged two vastly different people.
I could always move back to the trailer
No, I want you here! I mean I may not always be so graceful about it but I want you here.
Their nightstands had photographs of their family and the special moments in their lives. On his nightstand, a photograph of the children fishing with him on Father's Day and another of himself and Meredith that they'd taken eons ago. On hers, a picture of the kids sitting happily on the couch with a baby Ellis sitting on her sister's lap and another where she and Derek had been smiling happily as their loved ones cheered them on after their vow renewal. Both nightstands were stacked with medical journals and books in their field. Their shared dresser with more family photographs and a giant spinal tumor hanging above it.This was their room.In their home.Now their lives were being packed up and moved elsewhere.Meredith looked around the boxes and let out an exasperated sigh, "Why do we have to do this? Why couldn't we just get the packers to do everything?""It's pouring out there, the kids are home, and they need something to do," Derek chuckled as he closed a box, "Besides, don't you have things you want to make sure make it to the new house?""I'm not an overly attached-""Say that to the tumor on the wall-""That was your idea," she smirked before she noticed an old brown leather garment he had tossed into the donation box, "Wait, what are you doing?""What? What did I do?" He looked up, confused as ever."That!" she pointed to the brown leather cloth hanging outside the box. She would recognize that anywhere."Oh, that," he shook his head, "It's my old leather jacket, it's just gathering dust here-""It's the leather jacket, it's not just any leather jacket," Meredith reached to pull it out of the box and grabbed it, "You barely had anything in that damn trailer, you practically lived in this before Addison showed up all those years ago."Derek smirked as he watched her slip on the jacket."Okay, I'm sentimental," She tightened her hold as if shielding herself from a cold nonexistent breeze. She removed it and extended it to get a good look at the old worn brown leather cloth. Bailey would fit in it soon. Not that he'd want it but she wasn't ready to part with it just like he was unwilling to part with her old Dartmouth shirt, "You know this would make a good prop for when you tell the kids about us when I get Alzheimer's. You could tell them how I wore it when I got cold at the ferryboats."She placed it carefully onto the bed as she turned to look at him. If there was any reaction he was doing a good job at hiding it. To anyone except her. She took notice of how his jaw locked and how he aggressively tossed something into a new box.He raised his head and shook it before moving back into the closet, "That's not funny.""Cristina would appreciate my dark humor-""Meredith-""Hey, if I have to hear you make corny ass speeches about you dying, you have to tolerate my dark jokes about Alzheimer's"He shook his head as he went back to his task. Meredith watched him as he kept his jaw locked, tension rested upon his neck as he went from the closet to the boxes.He'd made promises that he would make sure she wouldn't forget. But even his habit of promising her the moon and stars couldn't fix the anxious feeling that unwillingly followed her. He could be her knight in shining whatever, but she'd also proven she could hold her own. And for that very fact, she would make sure that whatever happened, her children knew that she did everything in her power to protect them from the pain she had felt for many years."The post-it.""What?""If I forget," she smiled warmly despite his frustrated demeanor, "Show me the post-it. And tell me about the guy and the girl in the bar."She moved the boxes between them before crawling onto the bed and sitting on her knees. He watched as she meandered towards him, her hands locking behind his neck as their eyes stared directly into each other."And then," she sighed, "tell me about the three kids that drove us crazy. And how they lived a very crazy and happy life in the dream house you built."
I am leaning into the fear of having a happy ending.
I don't even know what that means.
"There's a lot you're missing there Mer," he whispered, "It's not just about me and the kids. A lot of people need you here. You can't just say things like that and expect- Meredith I can't think about losing you.""You're not gonna lose me," she whispered, "Everything is gonna go the way it goes, remember. You just can't torture yourself about not being able to stop it.""Meredith-""You promised. I know you promised," she whispered again, "But one day one of us is gonna have to learn to live without the other. And I can do it Derek, I know I can do it- I don't want to ever do it but that's why you married me because I move forward so I need you to promise that no matter what, if it happens you will not torture yourself."Meredith moved forward. She always found a way to pick up the broken pieces and make something good out of it. She'd seen enough darkness to know that the sun would always rise again. Derek knew all of that. He'd told her an infinite amount of times that he was sure that she and their children would be okay should anything happen.What if she had drowned and he never saved her? What if he did crash? What if they never had each other? What if one of them lost the other?They'd had wills, documents stating what to do if they reached the end, signed deeds, and trusts for the kids should something happen to either one of them. Financially, everything was in order. But what they had, the one thing that neither could control was one that wasn't.
You're not God, Derek.
Once upon a time, the legend of Meredith and Derek was just that. Meredith and Derek. The guy and the girl in the bar. The intern and the attending. The neurosurgeon and the general surgeon. It was just the two of them. Just two people who fell deeply and irrevocably in love. But that story was so much more. It was heartbreak and pain. Love triangles and break ups. With a seemingly happy ending where three children enlightened their lives.The freakin' romance novel.The great love story."As long as you promise not to," his hands found their way to her waist as he pulled her against him, "I promise I will not torture myself."Meredith smirked in the way she always did when she got exactly what she wanted, "Okay.""Okay," he echoed before pulling her towards him and kissing her. It was soft. Gentle. The kind of kiss that was like they'd do it for the rest of their lives."Dad!" Zola ran back into the room, unaware of the conversation and slightly making her parents jolt as they pulled apart, "Oh God, you're doing it again!"Meredith pulled away as she burst into a fit of giggles. They were always interrupted at the wrong times. Luckily, nothing had gotten far at all between the married pair."What's wrong Zo?" Derek released Meredith as he shook his head at his daughter's reaction.Zola rolled her eyes, "There's a package for you.""A package? What package?" he welcomed the distraction before realization hit him, "You didn't open the door to any strangers, did you?"Zola smirked. She wouldn't do such a thing, she was a genius. She was smarter than that. Right?"Zola-!"Their daughter shrugged, "I don't know, ask Bailey. It's in the living room.""Zo!""It's too big," she called back as she ran out of the room, "You're going to have to come see it!"The couple stepped out of their room and curiously walked towards the living room. Bailey was standing over a box and gently held down the lids. A sly grin graced his face as the parents came in. His finger covered his lips, telling the family to go along with whatever plan he'd come up with."I have a package?" Derek smiled as he approached his son. He was different. The mischief in his eyes returned after being dimmed for a long time, "From who?""They didn't say," Bailey shrugged as he stepped back. He looked up at his father who smiled back at him.Partners in crime. Even when they weren't.Derek opened the box. Ellis jumped out of it in excitement, "Surprise!"Styrofoam peanuts flew all over the room as the little girl beamed with joy. Meredith let out an audible giggle at her children's antics. Her two eldest turned to her proudly."Ah," Derek sighed as his hands cupped her small cheeks. She smiled brightly at him and giggled when his thumbs caressed her cheeks, "An Ellis!""Did you like your surprise?" her toothy grin filled his heart."Are you kidding? I love my surprise," Derek grinned, "It's just what I wanted."Meredith watched her family. Zola ran over to help pick up the styrofoam peanuts as Derek helped Ellis get out of the box.Almost everything else, however, had already been packed. The house they'd built, the home they'd made had nearly been put away in boxes. She looked around for a moment and thought of the memories this dream house had.Zola's first time riding her bike in the yard. Bailey's first steps. Ellis coming home. Birthday parties and family dinners.As she watched her family, a ray of sunshine finally cleared her foggy mind. It all cleared up and it all made sense.
I'm happy now. You know, I feel like I know who I am. Plus, I think when you have someone in your life that you love- that you really love- I think that's… I don't know, I'm just..I'm really happy.
What happened to you?
What do you mean?
You're happy? You're happy now? The Meredith I knew was a force of nature, passionate, focused, a fighter. What happened to you? You've gone soft! Stammering about a boyfriend and- and saying that you're waiting to be inspired?
She reached for the discarded laptop on the counter and opened it.The words simply wrote themselves.Inspiration hits everyone differently. Sometimes it comes through strangers. Or a personal experience. A painful past. A heartbreaking event.For Meredith Grey, inspiration came from pain.The pain she felt when her father disappeared. The pain she felt in the hospital waiting for her mother to finally pay attention to her. The pain she felt when her mother shared her diagnosis. When she called her nothing but ordinary. When Derek Shepherd broke her heart and put it back together again. When she lost something she didn't know she wanted. When her best friend left and everyone else followed one by one. When the life she finally let herself hope for was nearly ripped away. When the man she loved was on his deathbed. When the fear her children secretly held onto crept up to the surface.Pain was everywhere.But this time, inspiration came from joy. Joy that her family brought her when they were happy with the mere simplicity of life. Joy when the giggles of her children echoed in their home. When her husband made any pain go away. When she closed a patient knowing she'd saved a life. When she spoke to a family and let them know their loved one had another chance at life.And maybe Ellis Grey hadn't understood it then. She was scared and terrified that this disease had been chipping away at all the pieces she was. And she was regretful that a life she could have had- a life she had once wanted- had slipped away. And time had been cruel as ever and let everything pass by.Now more than ever, Meredith understood that."Mom, are you going to work today?"Meredith looked up and smiled at the blonde boy who leaned over the counter to steal a glance at what she was typing."No," She shut the laptop closed and smiled. Inspiration came from pain, sure. But inspiration also came from joy, "Not today. I'm all done.""It was short, sweet, efficient," Amelia stuffed a forkful of food in her mouth and shrugged, "I liked it."
They'd deemed it the last supper. A last chance to have what was left of their family together, in their home, before it was officially time to leave. Amelia had offered to throw the family a get together with all the people they cared about. It was a chance for them to bid farewell to each other without the pressure of having to run around the hospital or to miss one another because someone had been paged to the ER.
They sat around the table their host had set up in the living room. The size of the kitchen made it an impossible place for everyone to sit together and the continuous rain effectively eliminated the option to have everyone outdoors. Alex and Jo, Miranda and Ben, and Richard, had been the small group that had joined them for dinner. The large dinners at the dream house with a vast group of friends and family had slowly diminished.
"It needed to be," Meredith passed a plate of peas to Alex, who sat across from her, "Besides everyone knew it was happening after Derek's announcement."
He shook his head, "I only announced I was stepping down as director. You're assuming everyone knew."
He passed a dish across the table to
"Honestly I could've sworn that they'd never leave, I mean Derek came back from D.C. and she turned down every offer," Alex said as he passed off the casserole down the table, "How much is Avery paying you?"
Derek laughed, "Enough for me to retire except she won't let me."
"Shut up!" Meredith groaned, "That's not why we're leaving and you know it. We're not moving because of the pay!"
The night had gone on with everyone offering their own words of gratitude and wisdom. Of quiet moments with each of them.
And it had been just what they preferred, a quiet evening. Not a grand gathering in the hospital grounds.
"Well we wanted to toast you but Amelia said-""I said you would've found a way to sneak out of the hospital without anyone noticing," Amelia finished Richard's sentence, "Meredith hates that sort of thing."There's moments when Meredith looks back at her residency and she wants to pull herself out of the narrative and change it. As if it were that easy to go back and correct all the mistakes that were so incredibly naive. She wishes she can go back and tell herself that this is just the beginning of a rollercoaster that will never end.She thinks about Izzie Stevens and the LVAD wires.
Nobody is leaving and nobody is dying!
She knew what was happening between Izzie and Denny. She knew Izzie was falling for him and she knew she should've said something. She should've but she didn't.She thinks about George and how he signed up for the army. Somehow their friendship simply simmered. She should've been there for him. She should've known it was him who had been hit by the bus earlier on.
It's George!
She thinks about Cristina and how she felt when she was finally leaving for Switzerland. She felt…unfinished. And she wasn't. She wasn't just getting started.
What do you need? An I love you or something?
And he thinks of Alex and all the times he had a chance to run away and search for Izzie. But he didn't, he stayed put and he made it work with Jo.
Yang left me her shares and her board seat. And she left me you, too. It's just us now.
She even thinks of the plane crash. Of Mark and Lexie and how they never had the chance to love each other again.Everyone either left or died. Meredith can still feel the haunting emptiness in those vacant spaces. Regrets plague her, and there's a yearning to go back and relive those moments, to make different choices. But she also knows that these moments are the moments that have shaped her and have marked her for the better or for the worse. And all those people she lost are the people she thinks of when she has a patient in her OR table. It's why she fights like hell to send them home. To help them have an ending that perhaps one day, she could claim as her own.The hospital doors swooshed as the Grey Shepherd family made their final entry through the hospital doors."Okay, remember those are for your old daycare teachers, they're going to be excited to see you.""You know where you're going right?" Derek looked up from his phone as he pointed to the direction of the bridge above them, "Second floor to-""Mom, Dad," Bailey groaned as he took the brown gift bags from his mother's hand, "I'm not a baby, I got this.""Yeah," Ellis agreed. She followed him as she lugged behind with her pink suitcase , "We got this."Meredith blinked, "Wait-""I will make sure they get there like the good big sister I am and we'll wait in your office when we're done, Dad," Zola snorted as she turned to her parents with a smirk, "Don't worry, I have my phone!"The parents were rendered speechless. The three Little-Shepherds had grown up into independent- well they were still children just older and wiser. And smarter. And independent.Meredith lingered behind as she watched them run up the ramp to the bridge. She turned to her husband with a furrowed brow.He scoffed before taking her suitcase and making his walk to the elevator, "Don't look at me, that's the Grey in them. It's why their name is Grey-""Shepherd! Grey-Shepherd!" Meredith pointed out as she followed him, "There's a Shepherd in there, in fact Bailey is just Shepherd!""I don't know, that looked like Grey to me," he smirked as the doors began to close behind them."Do you need help packing up what's left in your office?'"No, thanks," Meredith shrugged, "I should be done soon and then it's just handing off paperwork. Do you have any consults?""No, I'm just signing off on some charts. I handed off my patients to Amelia."Meredith hummed as she looked around. She could see it just like it had been eons ago. Scans and pictures and cards and letters all hung on the walls of the elevator. She could remember the way her heart skipped a beat when the doors slid open.
Hey. Come on in.
"How the hell did you pull off the proposal?"Derek laughed, "Uh, I pulled all my favors with maintenance. Richard made sure to keep you busy with Izzie."Meredith laughed, "Crazy things have happened in the elevators here.""Tell me about it," he muttered, "I had an intern push me into one and kiss me. Practically made out with me for four full floors.""I did not-! We were already in the elevator!" Meredith snapped her head and glared, "Besides you were the one who was talking about crossing lines!""That's not how I remember it," he smirked. He stepped into her space, just like he had a million times in that elevator. For a moment it was just the pair of them standing alone within the four walls that had seen every up and down between them."Did I cross a line? All those years ago? Did you ever feel that I-"
I'm not going out with you.
Did I ask you to go out with me? Do you want to go out with me?
I'm not dating you. And I'm definitely not sleeping with you again. You're my boss.
"Now you ask me that?" Meredith scoffed, "After years of marriage and three children? Now you ask if you crossed a line?""It's our last day at Grey Sloan, this is your chance to really tell me if I did before we move out of here and never come back. Although knowing you, we'll probably be back next week."Meredith laughed.Yes, he was her boss and she was the intern. It caused conflicts and everyone thought he was playing favorites until she proved herself over and over again. He had never played favorites and he hadn't given her surgeries after an hour in an on-call room like Alex had once suggested. He had been tough on her and had possibly been one of the attendings to expect more. And one of the attendings to get under her very last nerve."No," she answered sincerely, "I knew what I was doing when I waited for you with that bottle of wine. And I knew what I was doing when I built that house of candles. We crossed it together and I would cross it all over again."For a moment, they stay in this moment. This moment of realizing that what should have been wrong, what should have been forbidden, was not enough to stop what they had. They'd tried to prevent it but it was never enough to keep them apart."Besides I was the one who got you drunk and pushed you against the wall to kiss you," Meredith smirked.Derek's eyes widened, "So you finally admit you're the one who took advantage of me? It's taken you nearly two decades to admit it-"The elevator doors panged opened and revealed a pair of interns with desperate and anxious expressions-"Dr. Shepherd, you're needed-""Natalia Asaki-""Dr. Ndugu-"Looks like a grand mal seizure-""This is now neuro!""She's Ndugu's patient! I'm on his service!""Good luck with that," Meredith turned to Derek with a smirk and took her carry-on before exiting the elevator, "We need to leave by five if we're catching our plane!"Simone and Lucas continued bickering. Today was supposed to be easy. A quick wrap up of every case he'd handled. He hadn't even taken anything new on to prevent this very situation."Aright, Alright! Enough!" Derek snatched the tablet from Lucas' hands before stepping off the elevator, "Griffith, what's going on?"The interns followed him down the hall as Dr. Griffith explained, "Natalia Asaki. Stage II adenocarcinoma of the esophagus, she had chemoradiation two months ago and she's scheduled for an Ivor Lewis procedure tomorrow with Ndugu.""Which is why she's my case," Lucas muttered angrily, "She had a grand mal seizure and is on her way to get CT. We know it's your last day and you said no surgery but the other Dr. Shepherd-"Don't call her that," Derek muttered." -a trauma came in and she's stuck in surgery.""Did you say Ivor Lewis? You're in on that?" Derek turned to him, concerned, "Both of you?""Apparently," Griffith muttered, "Dr. Shepherd, we know it's your last day and we're so sorry to do this to you but we'd appreciate it-""I'll be right up," Derek handed Lucas the tablet back and watched them stomp down the hall. They were still angry with one another, "Griffith! Adams!"The pair of interns turned around in tandem."Get it together. Whatever crap you have going on, squash it!"
Each of you comes in hopeful, wanting in on the game. A month ago you were in med school being taught by doctors. Today, you are the doctors. The seven years you spend here…
Meredith shook away the speech she had constantly played in her head over and over again. She walked alone to her office and jumped at the sight before her."Oh God, what are you doing here?" Meredith asked as she closed the door."Did you pick a new chief or what?" Alex asked from his spot on the couch, "No one knows what you're thinking. All we know is that you are leaving and dumping us here.""Shut up, I'm not dumping anyone!" She removed her coat and grabbed an empty box. Her office was still full of books, papers, and frames. For an almost empty office, she had a lot to pack, "Grab those books over there, please."Alex groaned as he pushed himself off the couch and grabbed the books she motioned to, "You know this place isn't gonna be the same without you.""You said that last night," Meredith sighed, "And Bailey and Richard and everyone there."Alex chuckled slightly as he continued watching her pack."Don't you have a surgery you need to get to?" Meredith asked as she took the books from her hand."I do, I just," Alex stuffed his hands in his coat pockets and let out an audible sigh, "I was thinking about what you said the other day. About being a parent?"Meredith turned to him with an inquisitive gaze, "What about it?""You know for having the kind of mom and the kind of childhood you had, I think you grew to be a great mom," Alex smiled crookedly, "I would know."Meredith smiled sincerely."I've watched you grow into this incredible mother, this incredible surgeon," he shrugged, "And you've always said that Cristina was your person and then I was your person but you've always been your own damn person and a force of freaking nature.""Are you trying to tell me you're gonna miss me," She dropped the books in the box and turned to her friend. The friend who'd never judged- even when she thought he was an ass and when he called her a nurse. Alex Karev had been one of the most loyal friends she could've had."It's better than 'everyone is leaving and everyone is dying'," he smirked as he opened his arms, "Or some letter mailed to you."Meredith laughed, "Well I guess I should tell you that I did in fact recommend a chief but it won't be up to me and I haven't even asked the candidate yet."He crossed his arms and waited."It's you, Evil Spawn," Meredith nudged him, "If the board agrees, the seat's yours. And so is this whole mess."Alex smiled in appreciation, "I actually didn't come in here for that but I appreciate it.""So then why'd you come in?""I wanted to say goodbye properly before I scrubbed in," Alex pulled away before ruffling the top of her head- like he'd once done years ago.When Cristina Yang left for Switzerland, they'd said goodbye the only way the Twisted Sisters could. By dancing it out.But Alex Karev was no Cristina Yang. So there was no dancing it out or crying in an OR scrub room. There was just a mutual respect and admiration between two friends.And a proper farewell"You sure you packed everything?" He stood awkwardly at the bedroom door. It used to be Izzie's room once upon a time, "We can stay and help, the kids are knocked out in the old study.""I'm good," she smiled, "Besides I'm a grown up now, I have my own place."
Her old room had been practically empty with the exception of a few things she'd yet to pack. Her new apartment was not too far from the hospital or Link's apartment. She needed a fresh start after the several hits she'd taken over the last few years. Derek had helped her take boxes into the new place but that was as much as she had let him do.
"You are a grown up," Derek smiled. She'd been one for several years now and yet sometimes it seemed that she was that eighteen-year old who was figuring out the way of the world. Who was trying to figure where she fit."What time's your flight?""It's in the evening," he stuffed his hands into his pocket, "We need to stop at the hospital and get some things done.""Well in that case," Amelia raised her brow, "I will see you tomorrow, Dr. Shepherd.""How's she doing?"Winston quickly glanced at Derek and shook his head, "It was a new on-set grand mal seizure. Scans are about to come up.""Alright, Adams, what are the possible causes of new-onset seizures?""Meningitis, encephalitis, hypernatremia, or-""Dammit," Winston exhaled, "It's not any of that. It's the esophageal cancer.""It metastasized to her brain," Derek finished, "It's a localized met in the right temporal lobe and it's bleeding."Lucas felt his inside crush, "So what happens now?""We need to excise it immediately," Derek shook his head before turning to Lucas, "Book an OR. See if Shepherd is almost done with her surgery and fill her in.""You're not scrubbing in?" Winston turned to him in confusion."I won't have time," he shook his head, "Our flight leaves this afternoon so the safe bet is Amelia."A phone rang with a page prompting Dr. Griffith to urgently turn to her superiors, "I have a former patient in the ER. Can I-"She didn't bother for their response. She'd been out the door before they could excuse her and say she could sit this surgery out. Simone could feel her heart pound as she ran to the ER…and paged Dr. Grey.This was not supposed to happen. It was not supposed to happen. She should've been feeling waves of relief not waves of worry. The sterile white walls of the hospital corridor seemed to close in on Meredith as she briskly made her way to the scan room, the harsh fluorescent lights casting cold shadows on the floor."Okay, fill me in!""Her abdomen is distended and she's tacky," Simone shouted from the exam room the worry etched on her face like a somber paintingMeredith she clicked on the intercom, her fingers tapping anxiously on the desk, "Tessa, what happened?""It was a sharp pain," Tessa groaned, "I was just picking up my groceries. It was reflex- instinct! I just-""We told you not to for three months," Simone gently chided."Griffith, now's not the time," Meredith reprimanded as she waited for the scans to pop up on the screen in front of her. She picked at the skin under her thumbnail until it hurt hoping that what her own gut told her wasn't right. The scans loaded, unraveling an ugly truth. Tessa was bleeding out. All her work had been undone and she needed to be moved into an OR now. Meredith slammed on the intercom, "Book the OR now, I don't care if you need to kick someone out, Tessa takes priority!""I'm scared," Tessa pleaded as her sight caught a glance of her doctor, "I don't want to die. I still have something to say."Meredith ran into the room and gripped her hand, "I got you Tessa, I'm gonna do everything I can-""In my purse," Tessa swallowed as she was transferred to the gurney, "If something happens-""Stay very still," Meredith whispered, "I'm gonna take care of you. I will not let it end like this."Meredith watched as the nurses wheeled Tessa away. She followed, praying, hoping that her ending wouldn't be without a happily ever after."So it's spread to her brain?" Elliot asked. He stood diligently at his wife's side, his hand gripping her own as he processed the complicated news."Mmhm," Derek stood at the end of the bed with Dr. Ndugu next to him. Lucas lingered behind them as he listened to the prognosis, "If we don't do anything now, we're risking the possibility of more seizures, impairments, motor weakness. I know it's not the news you wanted or expected but we need to remove it now.""And you'll be removing it?" Natalia asked cautiously."Dr. Shepherd- Dr. Amelia Shepherd- is our chief of neuro and an excellent surgeon. It'll be likely that she'll be the one to do the surgery.""Why not you?""I"ll uh," he grinned kindly, "I will be unavailable-"Elliot gripped his wife's hand tighter, "You just said she needed this surgery now. What if this other doctor-""Dr. Shepherd-""What if she's not done with whatever she's doing and my wife has another seizure?" Elliot gulped, "I can't- we can't risk that. We need this surgery now."Ndugu stepped forward, "Dr. Amelia Shepherd is excellent-""Are you married Dr. Shepherd?" Elliot turned to Derek, desperation hanging onto every word.Derek nodded."If this was your wife, you'd fight for her wouldn't you? You'd make sure she'd get every possible chance to live even if it meant giving up your own wouldn't you? If the answer is no-""I would give anything for my wife," Derek nodded, "I would-"What Derek Shepherd would do for Meredith should never be put into question. He'd be fighting for her every single time even if it meant having to take a step back. He had learned that the hard way."You're right," Derek sighed, "Natalia needs this now. So I will take her up and if Dr. Shepherd is still unavailable, I will perform it myself. Okay?"The couple looked at each other before nodding gratefully."I thought you said we had to wait in Dad's office?" Bailey trailed behind his sister as they walked down the hallway."Dad was supposed to be there by now and he's not. Which means one thing.""What?" Ellis asked as she followed her siblings, "What does it mean?"Bailey rolled his eyes, "It means he's in surgery and Zola's gonna get us in trouble because she wants to watch!""I'm not gonna get you in trouble," Zola nudged him as they reached the elevator, "Besides he won't know that we're up there watching him.""Mom knew I was up there," Ellis commented. The elevator doors opened and the trio entered them. Zola in her confidence pressed the button. This place had been another home after all.They continued walking through the building until they reached their destination. The OR board.Zola searched for the name Shepherd, D. She smiled as she discovered that she was right. He was scheduled to be in OR 2 within the next hour.The screen blinked as it updated. Another familiar name appeared.
Grey, M.
"Mom is also working," Zola grinned as she made her way to the elevator, "Maybe we can watch them both!"Bailey's eyes nearly bulged out, "No! Not mom! She's really gonna get-""Mom does cool surgeries," Ellis' eyes widened as she remembered her afternoon with her father. She diligently followed her older sister, "Dad brought me once."Bailey rolled his eyes as he watched his sisters walk away. He looked around at the many nurses and doctors who seemed too busy in their own world to even bother to realize that three kids were wandering the hospital halls."Now's your chance to go back, Bailey," Zola placed her foot in between the elevator doors, preventing it from closing, "You sure you don't want to come see?"She smirked, fully knowing that her sibling wouldn't be able to resist the taunting. She knew how to get under his skin in the only way sisters knew how to.Bailey looked around. He'd never been into an OR gallery, in fact he'd never really been interested after being poked and prodded on, "Fine, but if we get in trouble, it's your fault!""I'm Dad's favorite," Zola smirked, "And I'm a future neurosurgeon, I can handle him."Her younger siblings groaned, "He doesn't have favorites!"
You know people run away from this line between life and death. You seem to stand on it and wait for a strong wind to sway you one way or another.
"C'mon Tessa, hang on for us," Meredith muttered as she took the scalpel. Her hands swiftly and efficiently began to move. There was bleeding. A lot of bleeding. The blood stained Meredith's gloves, as she desperately took the suction from her intern. The room seemed to close in on her as the seconds ticked away, each heartbeat echoing the urgency of the situation."What happened?" Dr. Bailey stepped into the OR and was quickly gowned and gloved, "What did she do?""She was just picking up her groceries," Simone explained, "It's pretty bad.""We're gonna save her," Meredith glared at her intern, "Dr. Bailey, I could really use your help!"Her mentor stepped in and took the suction as they searched for the source."C'mon Tessa, C'mon," Meredith muttered once more as she tried to shake off Tessa's frightened eyes from her mind."Hey it's your last day, you sure you can-""Dr. Bailey," Meredith looked up at her, her eyes flared with frustration, "I can do this- I need to- are you gonna help me or not?"Bailey raised her brow. She'd raised this surgeon. She'd taught her, she trained, this was her student who was now a fully fledged doctor. Dr. Bailey extended her hand, "Suction.""He's not even in here," Bailey muttered as they looked down in the OR. They could see the scrub nurses quietly preparing the room. They shuffled around as they set up instruments and turned on monitors. The doors burst open and a woman was wheeled in. The staff quietly transferred her from the gurney onto the operating table."Where's dad?" Ellis asked. Within moments, a figure stepped in. He wore a light blue scrub cap with ferryboats."There," Zola pointed, "That's him. He's gonna talk to the patient first and then he's gonna scrub. Then he'll be back"The children crouched down until only the top of their heads peered into the OR. They watched as their father reassured his patient and squeezed her hand.He turned to the staff, "The gallery is closed, right? I don't need an audience today."The trio crouched down."He's gonna get mad if he finds us!""Shh!" Zola shushed.Ellis pointed at the intercom and took note of the light being off, "They can't hear us. That's off. Dad turned it on to talk to momma last time and it turned red."Bailey stared at his sisters, "How come you guys got to do the cool stuff?"Zola snorted as she shushed her siblings again. She watched as her father appeared again. This time with his intern behind him. They tied their gowns and approached the head of the sleeping patient."He's gonna say it," Zola whispered, "He has to say it.""What? What is he going to say?" Bailey asked, "Is that Lucas with him? What is dad going to say?"Their dad turned to Lucas, "You want to do the honors?"He shook his head, "No, uh, it's the last one you'll say. You should say it."Derek looked around at the expecting staff."It's a beautiful day to save lives."Zola mouthed the words as he said them. She turned to her siblings and smiled, "Mom says it's when the magic happens. When he says that."In the OR, Lucas nodded as he echoed the words, "It's a beautiful day to save lives."Bailey watched as they worked behind the blue sheet someone had set up to cover what they worked on. He turned to the screens and watched as the poked and prodded on the brain. He would admit it was a little gross but it looked exactly like what his father had in his medical books and journals.They watched quietly, completely engrossed with each step and each movement.It wasn't until a long while later that Bailey turned to Zola and blinked."Zo," he cautiously said, "Where's Ellie?""So you're finally making the big move?" Richard smiled as he entered the kitchen where Meredith had been helping out, "It's really happening."
Meredith set the tonsils down and smiled, "This time it's really happening."
He'd often been on the defense about her leaving. He tried to convince her that this hospital's legacy rested on her. She fought against that. He tried convincing her with administrative positions. She had no care for them. He blamed her for its downfall. She resented him.
"I can still remember you in that ER, I asked Karev what were the common causes of post-op fever and he couldn't-""Wind, water, wound, walking, wonder drugs," Meredith answered automatically, "Usually it's wind."
Richard nodded proudly, "I could stand here and give you a big speech about how proud of you I am-"
"Please don't" Meredith pleaded. She didn't need the accolades. Especially from someone who had considered her his own daughter. Even when she resented it."I'll just say," he sighed, "This place- this city, the hospital, it won't be the same without you."
Meredith smiled gratefully.
She should not have snuck in here. She should not have left Bailey and Zola in the gallery and wandered off by herself. She should've stayed with her siblings and shouldn't have snuck away.She was going to be in big trouble. Big. Trouble.Ellis had paid attention to the OR board just as much as Zola had. She recognized her Auntie Amelia's name and her daddy's name. She even recognized her father's name. But the name that had stood out to her the most had been her mother's. She'd watched her before, not too long ago. And now, she wants to watch her again and see her save another life.What Ellis is unaware of is that sometimes, those lives her mother tries to save are not always saved. Sometimes her hands aren't as quick and efficient as the body demands. Sometimes a patient is just so tired, so tired of trying that it's easier to give in. Sometimes, there's nothing to do.Ellis walked into the gallery. She noticed how solemn it seemed to be. As if someone had broken something and they had gotten in trouble. She blinked for a moment before stepping in closer and crouching like a lioness ready to pounce on their prey. Her green eyes peered into the OR. They were still working quietly. She could make out her mother's violet scrub cap stand out amongst the blue gowns and caps. Her gown had been smeared with blood and her gloves were shoved into the cavity where she was working.Ellis closed her eyes."Suction," her mother's voice ordered, "Suction, dammit, suction."Ellis closed her eyes tighter as she listened to all the sounds. She was preparing to run out of the room and return back to the safety of her father's office when she heard-"There!" Meredith shouted, "That's it! It's coming from there!"Ellis quickly turned and looked into the OR. There was less blood this time and the room was quiet once more. Dr. Bailey helped her mother as they worked quietly. Ellis was captivated. Her mother's hands were saving this woman."Excuse me," a voice called out to her. Ellis turned to the door. Caught. She'd been caught. A young woman with a low black ponytail and white lab coat raised a brow, "Are you lost? You shouldn't be up here."Ellis looked down once more before turning to the woman at the door, "That's my mom. Don't tell her I'm up here.""Ah," the woman nodded, "You're Dr. Grey's and Dr. Shepherd's kid. I've heard of you.""Really?""Name's Mika. Dr. Mika Yasuda," she extended her hand. Ellis looked at it with hesitation before shaking it, "You know you really should not see this. It's pretty gnarly for a kid like you.""Suction!" Meredith shouted below them. Dr. Yasuda glanced into the OR before placing her hand on the young girl's back."Okay, we really have to go now."Ellis glanced back to the OR before it disappeared behind her. The last thing she heard was a loud piercing sound of a monitor.
To new beginnings…they're so much more interesting than happily ever after.
That's what Tessa had written in Griffith's old childhood edition of one of her books. Dr. Griffith had shown her the book as soon as she had scrubbed out. The words echoed in her mind as she sat outside the surgery wing. She fidgeted with her scrub cap as she stared blankly ahead into nothingness."You're in scrubs," a voice called to her, "You were in surgery?"Meredith looked up at the source, "It was such a high."Derek set his tablet down on the nurses station, "What did you-""Tessa Hobbes," she exhaled, the adrenaline still coursing through her veins, "She tore her abdomen and had nearly catastrophic bleeding. I got her in there on time and Bailey assisted and I nearly lost her and I know it sounds dark and twisted- I know it does- but it was- it was like candy but with blood. And I wasn't an intern but that rush, that feeling, was just like that first surgery."He watched as she came down from the precipice she was standing on."I haven't felt that in a long time," a wistful smile played on her lips.
You practice on cadavers…you observe…and you think you're gonna know what you feel like standing over that table but..that was such a high.
"Yeah," he whispered in awe. Her constant excitement and joy at saving lives was something he truly loved about her. Her need to be a brilliant doctor, a great surgeon, didn't come out of needing to outdo her mother. It was born and nurtured out of the fact that she cared and loved people. It's who she was. It's who she'd always be."Wait," she shook herself out of her momentary haze, "You're in scrubs. You were in surgery?He nodded twice, "Yeah. I saved a life today."
When did that stop being enough? Saving someone's life? That's more than enough.
Meredith smiled."Dr. Shepherd," Lucas approached Derek with a tablet in hand, "The paperwork you asked. Dr. Shepherd is still in surgery but she said she'd check the charts as soon as she was out.""Neuro checks every hours, Shep," Derek signed off before turning back to the intern, "Call me, if you feel like your drowning. I'm not gonna let you sink.""I know," Lucas smiled before turning to the Meredith who had been sitting at the benches, "Have a safe flight and uh, text or call to let us know you guys are safe. We don't need any more-""Go away now," Derek shook his head as he watched his nephew run off. He turned to his wife, "Ready?"This was it. The final time they'd scrub in the operating rooms of Grey Sloan Memorial as attendings. Any other time they'd be in the building, they'd request privileges. A long time ago, they had both scrubbed into a surgery together. They'd grown together. They'd worked side by side and curated a mentor-mentee relationship that would later fracture. Today, she was chief and they'd each scrubbed into their own surgeries. Shining, radiating, on their own. They could both shine together and apart. That was the point, right? To love each other for who they were on their own and who they could be together."Yeah," Meredith nodded, a smile radiating on her face, "I'm ready.""You found roommates?"
Lucas glanced up at his aunt, "I uh, put it out there that I was looking. No one's answered yet-"
"I think I may have someone in mind.""Who?"
Meredith sat on the chair across from him, "Griffith needs a place-"
Lucas' eyes widened, "She hates me. After what I put her through-"
"I already-""She hates me, Aunt Mer," he insisted, "I don't think- I don't think I can make it up to her."
Meredith watched him for a moment, "You screwed up. But all you can do is apologize and make her listen. Apologize every single time you can until she listens."
Lucas stared down at the beer in his hands.
"I know it's complicated because you have feelings for her," Meredith continued, "But you are going to need her and every other person in your class in your gonna survive your intern year. You're just getting started Lucas. Don't push people out and don't run from them."
Lucas smiled, "You really did a number on Uncle Derek didn't you?"
Meredith smirked, "Aren't I good?"
"Grey!" Dr. Bailey grinned as she turned to the person who exited the elevator, "Tessa is awake! And she asked me to give you this.""What is it?" Meredith asked as she took the stack of paper that had been put together by a black plastic binding. She looked at the cover. Her eyes widened.
Tessa and the Rising Sun A novel by Tessa Hobbes
"It's her last book," Bailey happily explained, "She had it in her purse because she wanted to make sure you got it no matter what happened. I just checked in on her. She says it's a thank you for saving her life or so she says.""Oh," Meredith sighed, holding the book tightly to her chest, she marveled at the tangible evidence of Tessa's second chance, "She got to write her last book.""She got to write her last book," Bailey affirmed with a slight giggle.The elevator bell rang again. This time Derek exited with a carry on in each hand, "Hey, have you seen our kids?""I thought you said they were in your office?""They're not-"The elevator chimed again. Dr. Yasuda stepped out with three children trailing behind her, "Uh, Dr. Grey? Dr. Shepherd? I think you're missing something.""Mom! Dad!" The Little Grey Shepherds ran towards their parents as fast as their feet could carry them. They gripped their carry-ons as tightly as they could before releasing them and letting them fall to the floor with excitement.""Uh, oh," Miranda muttered, "That sounds like they were up to something. Definitely your kids."The couple turned to their children with confused expressions, only to be bombarded by a whirlwind of excited questions and animated expressions."Your surgery was so cool!""What did you take out of your patient? It looked like a big cotton-""Where have you been?" Meredith blinked at Zola and Bailey. They excitedly surrounded their father with an infinite amount of questions.Miranda guffawed at the sight of the children. Their expressions were filled with wonderment and illusion. They'd seen Superman fly and Wonder Woman save the world with Lasso of truth.Derek and Meredith turned to each other as they put the puzzle pieces together."Where were you?" Derek asked, "You were supposed to go drop off the gifts and head straight to my office."If their father was trying to reprimand them, it wasn't totally working. Bailey shook his head as he stepped forward to explain, "We were in there but we got bored and we went searching for you."Zola blinked. It had been her idea to leave the office and yet her brother was covering for her. She smiled as she turned to her parents, "Yeah, we were just looking for you and we happened to find a gallery. We got confused."He didn't know if he was upset or if he had been proud his children got to see what had driven him for so long. Derek had worked for years trying to prove to himself and to everyone that he could be something. He wanted to save lives and write the wrongs that were written when his father was shot and when Michael Boetcher had been hurt. He thought his legacy was detailed in the impossible surgeries he pulled off, in the big shiny jobs he had been offered, in any and all his professional accomplishments. But now any legacy he'd leave behind, were in the three children he'd raise. That was his legacy"Uh-huh," Meredith raised a skeptical brow, finding it hard to believe that her children, who knew the hospital inside out, would get lost so easily, "I thought you said you had this."Bailey shrugged. His youngest sister stepped forward, her brows furrowed and her eyes filled with a need to fill her cup of knowledge."Momma," Ellis sighed, "Did she live? Did you save your patient's life?"Meredith blinked at her daughter and kneeled down in front of her until their matching green eyes met, "Yes Ellis. My patient is alive."Ellis' eyes widened. A smile crept up on her face before she tossed herself onto her mother and wrapped her arms around her neck, "I want to be just like you when I grow up. I want to be a surgeon and save lives and send them home with a happy ending like you."She'd never been rendered speechless like she just had been right now. She'd been the daughter that wanted to desperately follow in her mother's footsteps. To step out of her shadow and stand in the sun all on her own. It terrified her, absolutely frightened her to leave a heavy burden and legacy to her daughter. But who was she to stop her from following her own shining path?
"I want to be a surgeon," Meredith smiled. An acceptance letter to Dartmouth had arrived and now she was envisioning a future ahead, "I think that's what I want to do. How did you-"
"You don't have what it takes," Ellis told her point blank.
"What?"
"You don't have what it takes," she looked up from her journal, "You'll never make it. What else are you thinking? You need another plan."
Her mother had been terrified. Her mother was scared to leave her constantly chasing. And yet she still chased."Ellis Carolyn Grey Shepherd," Meredith could hear her other two excitedly talk with their father, "You can do anything- everything- you want to. You will be extraordinary."Her children were already extraordinary. They were kind, generous, respectful, loving, funny, stubborn, witty, and charming. They were everything she could never imagine would happen to her.
If you don't have babies or don't want babies with my crappy DNA, just say so! You don't have to avoid me and you don't have to make lame excuses about work.
Meredith, I want your crappy babies.
You do?
All of them!
"Wait," Zola turned to her sister, "Did you say you saw mom's surgery?"The parents giggled as they watched their children."You sure you know what you're doing?" Miranda interrupted their thoughts, "I do have two teenage boys and a toddler. That dream house could get destroyed.""Well it's a good thing we did some damage to it," Derek smirked, "You need somewhere safe while these protests die down. Stay as long as you need to."He extended his hand with a pair of keys. Their dream house, their family home would temporarily be in the hands of Miranda and her family. They'd offered it to her knowing she was still in the midst of fighting off threats and harassment. What better way to keep their home safe than welcoming someone who had been there for them from the very beginning. Even if she didn't always give their approval."You two have been the bane of my existence- especially you, Grey."Meredith scoffed, "Thanks."Miranda shook her head, "You are a brilliant doctor. A brilliant surgeon and I-"For a moment, Miranda was at a loss for words. Meredith stepped forward and embraced her, "Thank you for everything, Dr. Bailey."Derek turned back to their children as he let them have a moment. He watched as they giggled and jested with one another.One day, they'd be back. They'd be back with teenage kids or by themselves and relive all the memories they'd made there. They'd bring back new ones. They would make new ones.Home isn't a house. It isn't a building. It wasn't limited to four walls and some windows. Their home is and would always be each other.It'd be the laughs they'd shared. The jokes they made. The food fights and frosting chases. The tears and the rainy nights. The excitement after any of them accomplished something grand. The fear that they felt at losing each other. The comforting feeling of never being or ever feeling alone.Home was family."Hey," Meredith's voice broke him from his thoughts. She extended her hand and grinned brightly, "You okay?"Derek smiled back as he took her hand, "Let's go."The family walked through the hospital halls together until they reached the doors. A tug on his heartstrings told Derek to turn once more. To his surprise, he managed to catch his sister in her purple, firework patterned scrub cap, running towards the exit. She stopped midway and smiled.No big goodbyes. They'd promised.She raised her hand and waved slightly. Through tears, she offered a smile before dropping her hand and sticking it in her pocket. Derek smiled back and nodded. Some things were better off left unfinished.He turned back to the pathway his family had walked and followed."Hey, it's not raining anymore," Bailey admired as they left the building, "The sun's out."Meredith turned back to the building that raised her. It'd been a place where horrible things had happened. Where friends had died. Where she had so much heartbreak. Where friends fought to live. Where her own husband had been shot and where she'd lost so much.But it had also given her so much It'd been the place where she'd met the closest friends she'd ever have. Where she met her person. Where she met the love of her life. Where she met her sisters. Where she learned to be a surgeon. Where she met her family.It'd been a place where she'd learned to be the sun."Mom!" Zola called out, "You coming?"Meredith smiled.Cristina may have been right then, but she wasn't the only sun. She'd merely been one piece of a bigger universe filled with many stars.Derek placed the final suitcase in the cab and turned to Meredith, his head tilted, watching her take it all in one final time.
Where are we going?
Trust me
The place didn't matter anymore. It could've been Boston or New York or Seattle. Even New Hampshire or Los Angeles. But wherever her family was- that was home.Meredith turned away and made her way towards her family.Finally, through all the rain and heavy clouds, the sun would shine again.