Work Text
3:48 pm; WIN'S POV
"Dean, where are you?" I asked as soon as Dean picked up my call."Chill, bro. I'm one turn away. Just wait for me there." Dean responded and ended the call.I am currently outside of the airport, waiting to be picked up. I just came back from England. It's been a while since I've been here. I got so busy with studies that I forgot to go on vacation and come back to my hometown.A not so loud horn distracted me from my own thoughts. As soon as I turned my head, I saw Dean leaving his car. I waved my hand and smiled at him."It's been a while. How are you?" I asked then gave him a light hug."I'm doing good. How about you? How were your studies?" Dean asked but I'm a little tired so I asked if we could continue our talk while on the road.On the way to the hotel where I am going to stay for a few days, I asked Dean if we could hang out and swim together some other time since I missed being in the pool. I also asked him if we could hang out tonight since I want to catch up with my friends."I will ask Pharm first since I only told him that I will just pick you up." Dean answered."Aw. So even after years of us not seeing each other, your only duty is to pick me up and not hang out with me? I didn't know my so-called best friend is this terrible." I pretended to be hurt and heard him laugh."You're really bad at acting. Anyway, Pharm might have already predicted that we would hang out. I just want to inform him." Dean clarified and chuckled which made me click my tongue."You really love Pharm, huh. You can invite him if you want to. Contact P'Pruk and Tul as well. Those two didn't know that I'm coming back, right?" I asked and got a nod from Dean.We continued talking and decided on where to go when we reached the hotel. I just changed my clothes since the weather here and in England is totally different. I feel so hot."Win, I just got a call from Pharm. He said he can't right now since he is with Manaow and Team." As soon as I heard that name, my mind went blank.It's been a while since I last heard his name from other people. Since I couldn't contact any of my friends most of the time while I was in England, no one mentioned his name to me. I was also busy and didn't have time for anything unrelated to my studies."Win!" Dean shouted. I looked at him, confused. "You're staring at nothing. What happened?" He asked."I was just thinking of something." I mumbled with a low voice but Dean was sharp and understood what I said."It's better if we talk over this when we get to the bar. Let's go! P'Pruk and Tul are on their way there already." Dean wrapped his arms around my neck and dragged me out of my hotel room.Our night started at the bar. Dean, P'Pruk, Tul, and I decided to have a drink after years of being away from each other."You didn't even tell us that you will come home." P'Pruk mentioned."It will not be a surprise if I tell all of you that's why I only asked Dean and of course, I already know that he can't keep secrets from Pharm so he knows as well." I explained."You planned it all along, huh." Tul spoke. "So, how was your life there?" He asked."It's hard but I guess I just got used to it. I already graduated in case you guys didn't know. I'm now learning how to take over of our business." I answered before sipping the beer in my glass."Is P'Waan taking care of you?" Tul suddenly mentioned which made me side-eye him."Hmm, yeah, a little since he's the one who's helping me most of the time while I am at the company. Also, I'm staying here for good." As soon as I told them that, they all looked shocked."What? Why? You guys don't want me here anymore?" I asked, laughing at their shocked expressions."No, no. Of course we want you here. It's just that a lot of things have changed and I thought you'll have a hard time getting used to it again." Dean said which I completely understand."I'll get used to it again. For now, since I'm still in the process of learning how to take over our business, I want to apply as a part time swimming coach or instructor in our university. I want to swim again. I didn't have time while I was there." I shared my thoughts with them and got a head shake from Dean."Why?" I asked him and looked at my two other friends."Nothing. Don't mind him." P'Pruk immediately said then diverted our topic to another topic.Our night continued like that. We caught up with each other until we were drunk. Pharm had to pick up Dean since he can't drive now that he also drank quite a lot. P'Pruk and Tul will be staying the night at my hotel room since I don't want them to go home this drunk. ~ I stayed at the hotel for a few days before going home. I needed to wait for P'Waan because unfortunately I couldn't find my keys and View was on their school trip when I arrived. The good thing is they both arrived at the same time and we had a little reunion because View had to stay here all by himself.I volunteered to accompany View to his school after our breakfast since I got free time now. I also decided to visit my university after.As soon as I dropped off View, I told him that I'll be at my university and told him to call me once he is done. When I reached my university, I was shocked to see how much it changed. The school improved a lot compared to when I was still a student.I was walking and watching other students walking past me when I saw a familiar figure a few steps in front of me. As soon as I realized who it was, I quickly ran and hid myself from that person. He looked around and good thing I wasn't there anymore.He smiled widely when he spotted someone he knew from a distance. Pharm came up to him while smiling widely as well. They continued walking to somewhere I don't know."Team changed a lot too." I whispered to myself.Wait, why am I hiding? This is not me. I shook off the not so visible dirt from my clothes then continued walking as well.When I reached the school office, most of my professors were shocked to see me there. They asked me a lot of questions then eventually asked me what I was doing there."Well, can I apply as a part timer of the swimming club?" I asked and then my head coach tapped my shoulder."We are actually in need of an instructor that will help improve the team because right now, only a few students joined the club. The members you left back then were having a hard time because they needed to train more and at the same time, train those who newly joined. So it really is much appreciated if you join us." He said and smiled at me.I smiled back and told him that I'm free any time because I'm not necessarily needed in the company right now so I can take part time jobs."Since you're already here, go to the school pool with me. I think they are training now." My head coach said.We left the office then walked towards the school pool. My head coach didn't even change a bit. He's still as cool as before and is still kind towards other people. He told me stories that had happened while I was away since I left even before I finished my third year here and continued my studies abroad.When we reached the school pool, I saw how the students were training and practicing. I also saw that the number of students who joined was low.I looked around the pool while the coach was talking to one student when my eyes landed on someone who just went out of the locker room. It was Team. My eyes continued following him until he reached the bench near the pool. He then talked to his three friends who I remember as A, Bee, and Sea.I flinched when the coach tapped my shoulder and signalled me to go with him. As I followed him, my eyes didn't leave Team, and before I knew it, our eyes met. He was shocked. His eyes widened when he saw me.He immediately turned his head away from me and greeted the coach. As I looked at him longer, I noticed how his body changed. It became more toned than the last time I saw it."What are you doing here, coach?" Team asked, diverting his attention away from me."Ah! You already know Win, right? Your vice captain when you were a freshman." Coach grabbed me on one shoulder and smiled at both of us.Team stuttered and tried to avoid my gaze which I completely understand why. "I remember him, coach." I interrupted so that the coach wouldn't see Team slightly panicking."Team is now the captain of the swimming club so whenever you have a question, which I doubt because I know you already know what to do here as a former vice captain, just ask him." Coach teased me and chuckled. I only gave him a light laugh as a response."I hope both of you will have a good working relationship." Coach told us then bid his goodbye after instructing Team about why I was there.It became more awkward when the coach left us. He is not looking at me at all that's why I initiated to talk."Long time, no see." I said and he only nodded his head."I need to go and train the first years. Just start whenever you feel like. Training starts after class and I know you already know what time it is. That's all." Team turned around and walked towards Sea. He left me there.I stayed there for a good 5 minutes, just observing him from afar before leaving. I couldn't say anything. I know I don't have rights and he wouldn't listen to me. Maybe sometime, he will let me explain, but for now, I'm just glad to see him doing well.I started working as an instructor to first years who joined the swimming club. Our coach told me that the seniors need to train because of the upcoming competition that's why they can't afford to let Team lose a lot of time training other students.Whenever I am there, Team will always try to avoid me. Whenever there's only the two of us, he will immediately leave or make an excuse. I understand why and I won't try to make him feel uncomfortable that's why I only talk to him about training, work, and other stuff. I won't initiate a serious talk unless he asks me to.
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TEAM'S POV
A few weeks passed by so quickly. Hia.. I mean, P'Win started working as an instructor here. I actually didn't know what to do but it was a good thing that he is not doing anything at all too. He is just working three times a week and that's a relief for me."So, did you two talk?" Manaow asked. I shook my head in response."Why?" She asked again, moving her face near mine."There's nothing to talk about." I firmly said.Pharm only looked at us, just listening to what we were talking about. Manaow stood up then sat beside me."But didn't you say you'll kill him once he comes back?" Manaow expressed her frustration."I did say that but there's no point in doing that now. Also, it's not that important anymore. I already moved on, the same goes for him." I explained because that's the truth. I don't want to know anything anymore. Time passed by already and it's nothing to me now. Is it really?Manaow shook her head and grabbed Pharm's hand. "Phaaarm, are you okay with that?"Pharm nodded. "As long as Team is fine with it."Manaow didn't argue anymore. I know she wants me to get things cleared between P'Win and I but as for me, I don't want to anymore. I guess I've already done my part and that's the end of it. There's nothing more for me to hear.
~
FLASHBACK
(A/N: The day Team knew that Win left to study abroad)
"Pharm, did you know?" I asked. I was crying at this point because I didn't know anything.Pharm only shook his head while trying to calm me down. "How about P'Dean? He knew, right?""I'm sorry, Team, but P'Dean didn't tell me anything either. So P'Win might have decided on this on his own and didn't tell anyone except the faculty." Pharm explained.I couldn't think of anything. I am a mess. I'm crying. Hia knew what I really felt for him but how come he left me hanging? He didn't mention anything although I know that he will eventually study abroad but I didn't expect it to be this fast. We were just happily hanging out yesterday.Wait.."Take care of yourself, Team." is the last thing he said last night when he dropped me off in front of my room.
Is that his final goodbye?
No..
Is it really..?
I hate you Hia.
But despite the fact that you left me hanging, I still tried to contact you. I tried everything. I called, I messaged, I even tried to reach you on all of your social media accounts but I got nothing in return. I felt like I was not worthy of any explanation.
I asked everyone we know but all of them knew nothing as well. I tried to talk to Pharm to ask P'Dean for me but he himself didn't know that you left. Until one day you replied to one of P'Dean's messages."Team, P'Dean told me that P'Win messaged him the other day." Pharm hesitantly told me.I sighed. "He didn't even try to check my message."Pharm patted my shoulder. "I'm sorry, Team but I guess it's time to stop."Pharm is right. I've been trying to contact Hia Win every now and then. It's been almost a month since the day we last saw each other and I guess I also have my limits. I'm tired of feeling like this."Maybe you are right." I smiled weakly. "But one last question, what did he say to P'Dean?"Pharm was hesitant at first but still told me everything. "P'Dean said P'Win was sorry because he left all of a sudden. He also said that he can't message anyone because of how strict his parents are and how busy he gets everyday since he has a lot to catch up on. That's all, I think." Pharm said and it hurts knowing that he didn't even mention me once."Thanks, Pharm. I'll stop trying here knowing that I am no longer part of his life." I bid goodbye to Pharm and walked straight to my dorm room, leaving him at the entrance of the dorm building.
~
PRESENT TIME
"Team!" Bee called me."What?" I frowned."P'Win is looking for you." Bee said then pointed at the direction where P'Win is.I immediately walked towards him. "What is it, P'Win?" He turned his head to me and signalled the first year student to continue practicing without him. I saw how flustered he is because I never once mentioned his name before and now that I did, I called him Phi."I just want to say that I need to go home early today and I guess I will only be here twice a week. I already talked to the coach so no need to worry about him." P'Win said."No need to say anything. It's not like you did that before." is what I said then turned my back on him.I felt him tapping my shoulder the moment I turned around. It feels warm but I shrugged the feeling off.He immediately removed his hand on my shoulder when he realized that we stayed like that for a couple of seconds. After that, I left him.The next hour, I didn't see him. He might have gone back home by now.
~ Our training continued like before even after the competition ended. The coach praised us for hoarding the gold medals and was very happy to see that even though the team members are low now, we somehow still managed to get to the top of the scoreboard.I was talking with A when I noticed that one person is missing."Who are you looking for?" A asked, looking in the direction where I was looking."P'Win didn't come?" I asked back, not answering his question."No, I didn't see him." A plainly answered."Isn't he supposed to be here? Why is he absent?" I asked again but this time I am getting slightly irritable and before I get mad, I saw the familiar figure with blond hair entering the school pool."Here he is." A said then left me there at my spot as our junior was asking for him.P'Win walked towards me, looking pale. I want to ask what happened to him but I realized that it had nothing to do with me."Team, I'm sorry I'm late. I'll quickly change now then gather all the students I was focusing on later." P'Win stated quickly then runs towards the locker room.I actually don't mind since I don't care about anything that relates to him anymore. I just don't want the new members to lack specifically we are low in number of members.The training continued. As I watch the members and my friends including P'Win I noticed how slow moving he gets as time passes by. The juniors noticed how pale he was getting and as a captain, I couldn't let this one go.I ordered the members to take a shower now and go home. I ended the practice early and talked to my co-members.I handed a dry towel to P'Win as he tried to sit on the side of the pool. "Thanks." He said then grabbed the dry towel."What happened? You look pale." I asked as I looked at him."Just feeling tired and a little headache." P'Win answered."You should've gone home early." I plainly responded."I can't." Those were the last words I heard when I saw him slowly losing consciousness. He nearly hit his head on the ground, good thing I was there to quickly grab him.I moved him to the bench near us. I used the towel I gave him earlier then dried his body and covered him with it. He got a high fever. I grabbed my phone near me then called Pharm.A couple of minutes passed by, Pharm and P'Dean ran towards me."What happened?" Pharm asked.I told them what happened in detail, in case they think that I overworked him. "I called Pharm so he could ask you, P'Dean to come here. I don't know where to drop off P'Win so maybe you know."P'Dean nodded. "Yeah, I'll take care of him now. You better shower and go home as well. Pharm will go with you."I let P'Dean take charge then followed what he said. After that, Pharm and I went home.
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8:09 pm; WIN'S POV
I slowly opened my eyes and felt a sharp pain in the side of my head. As I touched my forehead, I noticed a towel above it. I looked around and saw Dean sitting in the corner of my room."Oh, you're awake." Dean said. "You passed out earlier, right after the training. How are you feeling?"I recalled what happened earlier. I'm sure Team handed me a dry towel then as I dry my body, I suddenly felt dizzy and passed out."I'm feeling much better now. I still have a little headache though." I answered."Why did you suddenly get sick? It's not like you." Dean walked closer to me and handed me a glass of water.I drank the water then put the glass at my bedside table. "I was working too hard, I guess. I'm at the company from morning until before the club's training hours then when I get home, I study more. I've been doing that for I don't know how long. It's not like I'm having a hard time learning. I just want to finish it fast so I can spend more time at the club." I explained.Dean nodded his head then sat at the side of the bed near me. He grabbed the towel that he put on my forehead earlier then put it on the side."By the way, how did I get here? Did Team call you?" I asked in a husky voice."He called Pharm. Good thing Pharm and I were together. He then asked me to bring you home. I doubt he doesn't know where you live." Dean explained then grabbed his phone to maybe update Pharm that I'm now awake."He knows where I live but maybe he doesn't know where I was staying now." I told him as I properly sat on the bed, leaning my back on the headboard."Do you want to eat?" Dean asked. I shook my head in response."This is kind of out of the topic because you are sick but may I ask you something, Win?" He asked again and this time I nodded lightly."Three years ago, why did you leave without saying a word?" I took a deep breath when I heard Dean's question.As far as I can remember, I did mention that I need to study abroad as soon as possible because the pressure I'm getting that time is no joke."I mentioned to you once that I need to go as soon as possible, but at that time, I didn't know that Dad already booked me a flight that same day I spent my last day here with Team. So, the last thing I did was spend the night before my flight with Team. I didn't mention anything to him either because I know how hard it will be for him to accept the fact that I will no longer be by his side starting the next day." I explained as much as I could."But you two can be in a long distance relationship. Why didn't you do that? Why didn't you answer any of his messages and calls?" Dean asked further. I lowered my head and smiled to myself. I can sense that Dean is trying to ask anything that Team might have wanted to ask me."Dean, remember the time we talked during the club's trip when Team was still a freshman?" I asked then Dean nodded. ~
FLASHBACK(A/N: Swimming club's trip; Dean and Win: 3rd year students; Team and Pharm: 1st year students)7:28 pm
"Have you ever lost something?" Dean looked at me then asked."What?" I asked back as I don't know what he was talking about.As a carefree person, I don't have anything in mind when Dean asked me that. Yes, I was confused but then I thought, I really don't have anything that I can call mine."Have you ever lost an important thing in your life and suddenly you found it again?" Dean continued.I gave myself a good amount of time to think and went silent for a while."I never lost anything." I paused. "No. Even if I lost it, I didn't care as much. I never had anything important." I answered."Right now, I feel like I found it." Dean responded. I looked at him then gave him a light smile."The thing that you've been looking for?" I asked and he gave me a confused face."You knew?" He questioned and gave him a light nod.Dean and I were childhood friends. Of course I knew everything that's been going on with him. I may be a careless and happy-go-lucky person but I can be a reliable friend at times. I'm happy for him that finally, after looking for something for years, he finally found it."What about you?" Dean asked again and gave him the same answer from earlier."Like I said, I never had anything important." I gave him a light smile and he shook his head a little. I know he won't accept my answer. This guy knew me more than myself."I think, more like, you just never let anything be important to you." Dean pointed out and I honestly felt I was stabbed.
Maybe he is right. Maybe, I just don't want anything to be important to me. As someone who knew that nothing will stay with me forever, as much as possible, I try not to let anyone or anything be important to me because I know nothing will be mine forever.
I took a deep breath and sighed."Because there's nothing truly mine in the first place, and there's nothing that will stay with me forever." I said what I know is the truth.Dean looked at me and shook his head again. Completely disagreeing with what I said. "You cannot live your life like this forever. One day, when you found the one, you will do everything in your power to not lose him."I only gave Dean a light nod and looked at the distance. I wonder, will I be able to reach the time where I can say that something is truly mine and that will stay with me forever?~
PRESENT DAY
"You remember, right?" I asked again and Dean nodded."At that time, I only thought that if Team will have this much impact on me, and will be that important person to me, eventually I will have to give him up as well. Everything that I owned since I was a kid, I had to give them up eventually even though they became a big part of my life. Even though they became important to me, they still didn't stay with me for a long time. I thought, if I have to give Team up someday, why not do it now? I don't want him to get too attached to me to the point that he'll have a hard time when that time comes. He was the first person whom I called mine and important. The one I don't want to lose, but I ended up doing so. At that time, that's what I thought was the best way for us. Dad booking a flight for me also became my reason to leave him behind." I explained and I saw him frowning."Did you tell him that?" Dean asked and I shook my head. I smiled bitterly."I can't tell him that. That was my problem. I have a problem with myself. I already accepted the fact that nothing will be truly mine that's why when I realized he is the one we are talking about three years ago, I got scared of wanting him more." I responded."You only want to save yourself, Win." Dean already looked irritated. I understand since my reason doesn't make sense."You only thought of yourself. You didn't think about him and his feelings. You got scared of wanting him more then eventually have to give him up. You didn't even try to ask him and open up to him." Dean sighed then continued."Win, like I said before, you can't live your life like that forever. It's only natural to get scared but consulting your partner will help you more. That's why there's two people in a relationship. You can't decide what will be the future of a relationship alone. Two people have to help each other decide." Dean's words stabbed me straight in my heart.I heard him very well and I know it's all my fault. I hurt Team just because of how scared I am not knowing that it will cause more scars."I hate myself for thinking like that." I lowered my head and reflected on my decisions."For me, Win, I think what you felt back then is understandable but I won't say that that was the right decision. Your whole life, you lived with a thought of nothing will be yours and will stay with you forever that's why thinking like that at that time made you turn your back on someone that you can finally say that is yours. You got scared because you're carrying that thought until you found the one. When you found him, you didn't know what to do because he got so important to you and the fact that he became yours added to that as well." Dean tapped my shoulder."It's okay to be scared, Win, but like I said, in a relationship, two people need to talk things out and you failed to do that." Dean ended.I understand everything that he said and it hurts more now thinking how painful it is for Team. If this hurts me so much, how about Team? I didn't even explain everything to him and just left him behind. It took me three years to come back and appeared all of a sudden in front of him. He must've hated me.Dean grabbed his phone again and placed it in front of us."P'Dean." I heard a faint voice coming from Dean's phone. I know that is Team's voice.The phone lit up and when I saw that all this time Pharm is on the other line of the call made me shocked. I looked at Dean and he only gestured for me to speak."Team.." I spoke gently.I waited for him to speak again but the only thing we heard was a clashing sound and then the call ended. Dean received a message from Pharm afterwards."Pharm said that Team is okay, you don't need to worry. Maybe he doesn't know what to say or doesn't want to talk right now. Give him time." Dean said. I nodded my head a few times."I'm sorry for doing this but I don't want you to live like that again and I don't want Team to not know the truth that's why I took the initiative to ask you while they are on the other end of the call." Dean explained."We may be crossing the line and I'm sorry for that but both of you are important to us. If this is really the end of you two then at the very least, the explanations and questions Team needed back then were answered and as for you, I hope you live your life thinking that someday, something will be yours and will stay with you forever." I nodded my head again when I heard Dean say that. I completely understand him for doing this and I want to thank him for taking the initiative.I have planned to talk to Team when he asks me to but I thought that time will never come that's why Dean and Pharm doing this helped me a lot. I was afraid to take the initiative to talk with Team first about this matter that's why I only watched him from afar. Now, I have to give Team some time to think.
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TEAM'S POV
I decided to go home after P'Win passed out. Pharm decided to send me home but I didn't know why he decided to stay for the night."You're really not going home?" I asked, looking at him.Pharm shook his head and said, "No. I'll stay with you.""Why? P'Dean might get jealous." I asked and teased him.Pharm chuckled. "How long has it been since we got together? Never in those years have he felt jealous towards you. Also, it's been so long since I stayed the night here." Pharm explained.After we ate dinner and talked a little, Pharm's phone rang. He answered and mentioned P'Dean but Pharm only gave me a confused look so he decided to place his phone on the table between us and tap the loud speaker button. From there, we heard how P'Dean asked P'Win about everything that had happened before.I was silent the whole time and Pharm just kept holding and caressing my hand. It is the second time he's seen me like this. I have never once shown how vulnerable I am after the day P'Win left us.""At that time, I only thought that if Team will have this much impact on me, and will be that important person to me, eventually I will have to give him up as well. Everything that I owned since I was a kid, I had to give them up eventually even though they became a big part of my life. Even though they became important to me, they still didn't stay with me for a long time.I thought, if I have to give Team up someday, why not do it now? I don't want him to get too attached to me to the point that he'll have a hard time when that time comes. He was the first person whom I called mine and important. The one I don't want to lose, but I ended up doing so. At that time, that's what I thought was the best way for us. Dad booking a flight for me also became my reason to leave him behind."" P'Win's words echoed in my ears.I gripped Pharm's hand. Each question and answer, I can feel my heart being stabbed. I can feel it sinking. In the span of three years, I thought I finally moved on. I thought I was finally okay, but I guess I'm not. The pain is still there. I just decided to hide it and pretended that I am strong and okay when in fact I'm not.I reached out to him until I felt tired. Until reality hit me that he won't be coming back for me. I accepted the fact that we won't be seeing each other again and the fact that I don't deserve an explanation. I accepted it all, even the pain that it caused me.But then, he decided to come back. All of our memories flashed back. I remembered all of the moments we spent together. My heart started beating fast again when I first saw him. My heart is still longing for him.
Why? After all these years, after all this pain and suffering, why did you come back? Why is my heart still longing for you? Why? Why is it so hard to forget you? I'm finally doing much better than before. I already built walls that are stronger than ever, but why is that when I saw you again, the walls crumbled? Why did you come back?
I took a deep breath to keep my composure and to stop silently crying for a while. "P'Dean." is the only word I said."Team.." I heard P'Win on the other end. When I heard him say my name, I panicked then bumped into the glass of water beside me. I quickly ended the call after.I felt Pharm's arms hugging me tightly. "It's okay to cry. Let it all out, please. I'm worried you might keep everything to yourself again. I'm here, Team. I'm here." Pharm softly spoke to me and gently rubbed my back.I couldn't help myself from crying and sobbing. I kept all of it to myself for three years only for me to breakdown like this when I heard P'Win's reason and him calling my name again.~ An hour passed by and I already stopped crying. I asked Pharm if he could clean the mess and apologized after. Pharm agreed and didn't let me touch anything either because he knows that my eyes are blurry right now after crying for over an hour.Pharm and I decided to move from the kitchen counter to my room and spent the whole night there."Are you feeling much better now?" Pharm asked, gently rubbing my back. I only nodded my head."They might be worried after hearing the glass breaking earlier. Is it okay if I message P'Dean?" Pharm asked. He must be worried that I won't let him contact P'Dean since he is with P'Win."No need to ask, and thank you for taking care of this vulnerable Team." I smiled weakly and got a smile back from Pharm.Pharm grabbed his phone from his pocket then quickly sent a message to P'Dean. After that, we decided to watch a movie to distract me from thinking and spent the whole night together.~ Four days have passed already. I didn't see P'Win after that night. When I asked the coach about it, he only told me that P'Win needed to take a break after getting sick."Team, we don't have practice today right? I need to go home right after class." Sea asked after we finished eating lunch. I nodded my head in response.We are in the middle of exams this week that's why all club activities are temporarily suspended. I also have plans today because Pharm and Manaow asked me to have a group study at the nearby café.After class, I decided to wait for my friends at the pavilion near the library. I was busy messaging Pharm and Manaow when I sensed that someone was staring at me. I lifted up my head and saw P'Win a few steps away from me.I was about to walk out but I felt his hand grabbing my wrist. "Team, can we talk?" He asked.I turned my head and looked at him? "What's there to talk about?" I questioned.P'Win slowly let go of my wrist. Both of us are silent for a solid minute. No one speak. The only things I could hear are his breathing and the leaves from the tree near us that is being swayed by the wind."If you don't have anything to say, I'll go now." I said but got stopped again with his warm hand."Team." He started. "I know you heard everything from that night, but please let me explain it to you personally." He pleaded.I didn't react nor say anything. I just waited for him to speak again. P'Win took a deep breath then started explaining again."I never want to let go of you, but I can't help thinking about what Dean and I talked about before. I was afraid. I got scared of wanting you more in my life then eventually giving you up. I didn't think of what you will feel. I only thought of myself and how to save myself from hurting more in the future, not knowing that it will hurt you more." P'Win paused for a moment. "Team, I'm really sorry." He gripped my hand. I could feel how warm his hands were. I missed those warm hands that I once called mine.Silence filled us up again. I took a deep breath then sighed before speaking. "One question, why?" P'Win tilted his head a little then said he doesn't understand what I meant."Why did you come back? Why did you appear in front of me after all these years? Why didn't you bother contacting me? Why didn't you tell me about all of these? Why didn't you tell me anything?" I paused. My eyes are starting to fill with tears but I kept my composure. "Why am I not worthy of any explanation from you?"P'Win is slowly losing his grip on my hands that he was holding and before he could let go completely of my hand, I asked again. "What am I to you back then?"This time, I could feel my tears flowing down my cheeks. The words and questions I've been trying to keep to myself are now out. I never thought this day would come, the day we will talk again."P'Win, I waited for you to contact me for almost a month. I waited for hours, for days, for weeks, and it turned to almost a month before I accepted the fact that you really left me. Back then, I thought I was at fault. I thought I did something to you that made you think of leaving me. You don't know how much I blamed myself. How much I suffered when you left. You didn't even know that I was willing to stay with you until we decided to stop everything. You know nothing. You broke me multiple times, P'Win, and you coming back didn't help me at all." I took a deep breath and calmed myself for a few seconds."I thought I was finally okay. I thought I had already moved on from you. I thought I could finally be happy but the thought of you coming back to me still lingers in me. I still have this small hope of you coming back but I never thought that that small hope would cause me this much pain again. It hurts.." I'm having a hard time breathing because of crying hard. I'm sobbing so much. I finally said all of the things I wanted to say since the day P'Win left me."It hurts so much that I thought I would eventually lose myself." I started again. "Until i decided to build a wall and kept myself away from other people. The pain you caused me made me become like this. So why, why did you appear in front of me again?" I ended.P'Win's grip tightened. He wiped away my tears using his other hand. After all the things I told him, he didn't let go of my hand. Both of us are crying hard. I never once saw P'Win cry. I could feel how guilty he is. I could feel how sad and painful it is for him as well but I can't help but feel more pity for myself. I endured everything and thought of all those without knowing the truth and now we're here."I'm sorry.. I'm sorry for everything, Team." P'Win whispered but enough for me to hear.I calmed myself down and sighed. "Can I finally get the closure I've been waiting for for three years?" I asked.This is it. This is going to be our final encounter. I already heard his side, now I want the closure I got neglected to three years ago."Team.." He called but I only removed his hand from holding me."Let's end everything here, P'Win." I spoke again then wiped my tears away. "Let's both end our suffering. You hurt me and I know that this hurts you too so let's put a closure on this."P'Win wiped my tears as they flowed down my cheeks again. He softly and gently cupped my cheeks in between his warm hands.I sighed again, trying not to crack my voice. "Thank you for that short period of time, Hia Win. I felt the happiest at that time. That was probably the happiest time of my life. Thank you for bringing the best out of me and for loving this moody Team. I really appreciate it." I paused for a few seconds before continuing. "I really love you, Hia Win."I saw how P'Win cried. He never once cried in front of other people but he became this vulnerable in front of me.P'Win pulled me for a hug then whispered to my ear. "You will always be that one important person for me, Team. I'm sorry for everything that I have done and caused you. You don't deserve any of those and I'm really sorry it's this late. I'm sorry for being a coward, for hurting the most important person in my life." P'Win hugged me tighter. At this point, I couldn't help but hug him back."I'm sorry you loved this scared and cowardly senior of yours. I don't know what else to say except for I'm sorry but I'm thankful for you loving me wholeheartedly. You deserve more. I love you, Team. I will love you always and forever." P'Win ended.I buried my face on P'Win's shoulder as we cried and hugged each other. This is really the end of everything. We will finally be able to free ourselves from the past and from the pain this caused us.We stayed like that for a while. I actually don't want to let him go but I know I need to. After all, we decided to end everything here.As I rubbed his back for the last time, Hia Win slowly pulled away from the hug then cupped my cheeks again. He gently planted a kiss on my forehead. I felt my tears flowing down my cheeks when I closed my eyes as Hia Win kisses me. That was the softest and most genuine thing I have ever experienced for the last three years."I'm sorry, Team, and I love you. I always do." Hia Win said, leaning his forehead to mine."I love you too, Hia Win." I responded then pulled away from the hug. I smiled at him while letting my tears escape my eyes. This is a bittersweet moment that I know I will cherish forever."Goodbye, Hia." I said then turned my back on him. I saw him breakdown again. I want to hug him. I want him to hug me as well, but I know this is already the end.I'm sorry, Hia, but let's prioritize ourselves first, and if fate will lead us to each other again, I promise to be there for you again.Our relationship may have caused us this much pain but I will never regret loving him. The happiness Hia Win brought me will never be replaced by anyone. The love he showed and gave me is beyond my expectations. I can't thank him enough for loving me that much and giving me all of his. Everything might've ended here but i will always and forever love this blond senior of mine.