Archive of Our Own

Work Text

April, 2000
 
Issue One - Insects
 After surviving Y2K, Allen thinks they can probably survive anything. This isn't necessarily because he believed the rumors, that everything would shut down once networks were unable to comprehend the shift in the millennium, but because the resulting mayhem at the studio had tensions rising to an absurd and unmanageable degree. As it is, tension is consistently high in the band due to their mercurial guitarist, and watching Kanda cycle through migraines and take it out on the rest of them was a one-way ticket to high blood pressure and screaming matches.Made for a fairly inspiring creative process, though. So. Yeah. They’re like little cockroaches. Little, very lost cockroaches. But it’s fine. It’s fine. They can survive anything. “I fucking hate you,” Kanda hisses at him, picking a small twig from his bangs and flicking it away. “Now, now,” Lenalee smiles, voice shaky but attempting to sound pacifying. “It’s no one’s fault.”“I don't know,” Lavi adds, thoughtful. “I'm sorta with Yu on this one.”“Don't fucking call me that. I hate you, too.” Allen sucks in a breath and looks up at the blue, blue sky. Honestly, he’s a little bit with Kanda on this as well, but he isn't going to give him the pleasure of hearing that out loud. “At least it's a nice day,” he tries, but the levity doesn't really land well. “A nice goddamn day,” Kanda mocks in a, frankly, terrible English accent. “It’d be a lot nicer if we weren't stuck in the middle of nowhere. We just had to take the rental to go see a goddamn waterfall. It’s a waterfall - it's not even special - and it just had to be the fuckin’...I don't even know what it's called -”“I feel like TLC had some sort of cautionary tale about this,” Lavi cuts in, speaking over Kanda, who’s now just devolved into very uncreative curses and insults. “Stupid motherfucking Short-Stack is gonna make us fucking late -”“You agreed to come!” Allen snaps at him. It is mostly his fault, but Kanda didn't have to come. He could have said no.But Kanda’s not even paying attention to him. He’s working on grinding the heel of his boot into the gravel path, and Allen thinks that maybe their guitarist is picturing Allen's face there. “Listen,” Lenalee sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I don't think any of us are happy about this, but we need to figure something out.” She checks her watch. “We have about four hours to get back to Nashville in time for the show.”“It's an hour and a half drive!” Lavi nods, exuberant. “That's plenty of time! We’ll be fine!”“Need a goddamn cigarette, or a blunt, or something,” Kanda mutters to himself, continuing his soliloquy. Allen is somewhat concerned that Kanda’s gone deaf or insane - it's like the rest of them aren't there at all.Allen leans forward to snap in front of Kanda’s face. “Hey, Space Cadet, we -”Kanda wraps a firm grip around Allen’s wrist, cutting off his train of thought. It’s not painful, but it is assertive. Allen frowns deeply at the reaction it elicits in him. “If we are late to this fucking gig I am leaving - working with you is a goddamn hazard.”“Take a damn chill pill,” Allen hisses. “You’d have already left if you had it in you.”Kanda scoffs in disgust and throws his arm to the side, and Allen resists the urge to rub the skin Kanda had held on to. “If any of you fucks have a ‘chill pill’ I’ll gladly fucking take it.”“I think at this point Yu just doesn't want to be sober.”“You’re damn right.”“Kanda, you aren't helping,” Lenalee barks, and Allen notices him freeze. Lenalee is probably the only person he lets talk to him like that. “I’m separating you two. Go in front of us and stop buggin’ out. Allen will stay back here.”Kanda opens his mouth to reply, but ends up snapping it shut and turning on his heel.There’s a reason she's regarded as The Kanda Whisperer. They walk for a while - Lenalee keeps checking her watch and Lavi keeps making unnecessary commentary about the forest around them, but otherwise it’s almost peaceful now that Kanda’s shut his mouth. The birds are chirping and the sun is setting and Allen watches ants scurry along the path with them; they’ll make it back in time, they have to, he refuses to let them miss out on this. Unfortunately, Kanda ends up being their saving grace. It takes them much longer to get back to the car than it had taken to walk away from it, but they manage, and Lenalee climbs into the driver’s seat without a word. She’s probably the safest driver of the group, so she has the right idea. Lavi sits in the front as usual, since he’s so goddamn tall, and it leaves Kanda to sit with him in the back seat. Allen can't really fault Kanda too much for his irritation; this was all Allen’s idea, and they wouldn't have done this without his insistence. They agreed, but Allen can admit he’s a tiny bit spoiled by his friends, and they have an admittedly hard time telling him no.Even Kanda, who likes to make threats about leaving the band because of Allen, but’ll never make good on them. “Hey,” Allen whispers at his surly friend, for the sake of positive synergy and a successful show that evening. “Sorry.” Everything just moves easier when they aren't pissed at each other. Kanda glances at him from the corner of his eye and gives a sneer before turning away. “Whatever.”With a sigh, Allen lightly flicks Kanda on the leg. “That’s not a proper response.”“ Whatever ,” Kanda reiterates, not looking at him. “It’s - I guess it’s fine. We’re on our fucking way now, so. It’s fine.” He smiles and relaxes back into the seat, listening to the Blink-182 pouring from the rear speakers of the rental. That's about as good as it gets between the two of them, and Allen thinks that’s fine. Totally fine. 
June, 2000
 “Hello, this is Komui Lee.”“Oh, good morning! This is Sophia, calling from The Tote -”“I'm afraid I'm not familiar - how did you get this number?”“I got it from my boss. The Tote is...we’re a music venue. And a pub, I suppose. Our owner was recently in America and heard The Exorcists at the House of Blues San Diego. You’re their manager, right?”“I am…where are you located?”“We’re in Melbourne. My owner loves their sound, so he wanted to extend an invitation to play here."“Melbourne. As in…Melbourne, Australia?”“That's the one! Do you have an email? We can email you the details, and you can speak with the band before deciding.”“I have an email.”“Great! Just let us know. He has another location in Sydney, as well. He mentioned The Exorcists playing there, too.”“I’ll bring it up with them.”“Sick. Hope to hear from you soon!” … … …“ Lenalee ! We have research to do!” 
November, 2000
 
Issue Two - Koalas
 It's not the first time he’s been to Australia, but it is the first time he's been in November. It's hot . So hot. So fucking hot.Kanda, too - brusque 'I'm too manly to show pain or suffering’ Kanda, is losing composure. He squints up at the sky, grimacing deeply, and pulls out his ponytail for the tenth time that day to try to reorient it in a way that his hair doesn't worsen his condition. Allen doesn't think he’s succeeding, but he's not complaining. Watching Kanda's arms move, tendons shifting under his skin, is a holy moment; no one could honestly say they don't enjoy the sight of his calloused hands splayed flat against the nape of his neck, exposing his throat as he nimbly works on tying his hair into a loose bun. But Allen doesn't have a thing for Kanda. Of course he doesn't. How could he? Okay, he has a little thing. Tiny, minuscule, and all encompassing. Sometimes he can't look away, and sometimes that bites him in the ass. Kanda glances at Allen from the corner of his eye as he adjusts his bangs to keep them out of his field of vision, catching him red-handed. To play it off, Allen quickly shoves his chicken wing in his mouth; he forgot that it's a bone-in wing, though, so then he’s awkwardly trying to fish the bone out of his mouth without choking. The object of his obsession raises an eyebrow at him and smirks and Allen does something very similar to internal swooning. This fucking heat is getting to him. “Smooth.”“Sh-shut up,” Allen rasps back. “I'm hungry.”“You’re always hungry,” Kanda returns, crossing his arms. “Where the fuck is Lena? And our drummer.”“Our drummer has a name.”“Sure he does.”Allen sighs. He thinks that Kanda has a very limited retention for names and only has Lenalee and Alma’s stored in there. “They’re still at the hotel, I think. If you’re that worried, go find a phone box.”“I'm not worried, I’m aggravated. I've been sitting here with you and have to listen to you inhale your goddamn meal. And it’s hot as shit. You couldn't have even picked somewhere with indoor seating.”“This place has the best meat pies in Melbourne, though.”“I can't fucking imagine how you can rate something so fucking gross.”“We don't all live off of eucalyptus leaves, Kanda.” Kanda clicks his tongue and scratches his fingernail against the wood table they’re sitting at. He’s probably fairly used to them giving him shit for being so picky and such a strict vegetarian; Allen doesn't really care about Kanda’s diet, but it's fun to tease him. “Careful, you’ll chip your pretty nail polish,” Allen snickers around a large bite of flaky pastry dough and ground beef. Kanda makes a show of extreme disgust and flips him off, showcasing his already ruined black nail polish. “Dipshit. You're disgusting.”Allen shrugs and takes another bite of food. “I know you like to act like you hate me, but I know you don't. No need to be such a try-hard.” Kanda sneers. “Don't be so fuckin' sure. I hate you.”“Hmmm,” Allen hums, obviously teasing. “If you hated me you’d be about to beat the shit out of me.”“Wha-?”Allen flicks one of his honey barbecue wings at Kanda’s face, hitting him right in the cheek and howling in laughter as Kanda furiously swipes it away. Totally worth wasting the chicken wing. “I’ll fucking kill you, Beansprout,” Kanda snaps, leaning over the table to grab at the front of his t-shirt and yank him forward.Still snickering, he puts his thumb on Kanda’s cheek to rub the sauce off. “Look at your face! You're so pissed!”Kanda’s brows furrow and his cheeks flush as his eyes dart to where Allen had touched him before he just pushes Allen away back into his seat and grabs a napkin to finish wiping off his face. “Fuckin’ asshole.”Not one to waste food, Allen sucks the sauce on his thumb, and doesn't feel the least bit self conscious about it until he registers Kanda's expression. He’s completely frozen, eyes wide and lips parted as he looks at Allen, and Allen very quickly clears his throat and grabs a napkin of his own to clean his hands the rest of the way.Awkward. He probably shouldn't be sucking sauce off of his thumb just after having wiped it off Kanda’s cheek. Kanda seems to contain himself and snarls something under his breath before looking away. It's probably best to let that one go - no need to comment on that when Allen’s fairly certain neither of them want to mention it. They’re quiet for a bit - Allen doesn't really know what to say and his heart is beating a million miles a minute, but it ends up being Kanda who breaks the silence. Which is. Very weird. “Did you fix that shitty fucking bridge in Innocence ?”Allen blinks at him in surprise, but carefully sets down his drink and inclines his head in a small nod. “I believe so. I was thinking about a key change. I planned to show you guys when we got back to LA.” He pauses, trying not to fidget. “Thank you for trusting me with it.”Kanda snorts. “It isn't like you aren't going to run it by us in the end.”“True,” Allen laughs softly, conceding. “But thank you anyway.”“Whatever. Did you get the final set list from Komui yet for tomorrow?”“No. You know how he likes to take his time.”“He procrastinates, you mean.”“Yeah,” Allen agrees, still laughing. “But we already know we’re playing from the new album. Shouldn't be different from Sydney.”“We’d agreed it would be boring as shit touring with the same set.”Allen shrugs. “It would be, but there should be some uniformity. If Komui doesn't get anything together, we have something to fall back on.”Kanda sniffs in derision and takes a big gulp of his water before wiping his bangs back from his forehead. Allen does a stellar job not staring. He knows Kanda takes their live shows very seriously - Allen’s never fully understood why, but it's the truth. He gets the most anal out of all of them about it, even if he has the most aloof stage presence in the band. He keeps them all in time, powers through their minor mistakes with easily found riffs, and doesn't let them show up even a second late. Allen isn't sure if he’s afraid to disappoint their fans, or if it’s just personal principle, but he appreciates it nonetheless. “Hey.” Allen leans forward conspiratorially and Kanda moves back on instinct, eyes darting to Allen’s mostly empty plate of food. He suppresses his laugh. “I have an idea.” Kanda's gaze moves back to Allen’s face, and his shoulders relax when he realizes he’s not going to be assaulted by a second chicken wing. “What?”“You wanna keep it interesting, right?” Allen’s eyes gleam, and he notices Kanda’s watching him very openly. A good sign. “Let's put a surprise solo in one of our songs. Rise and Fall! Let’s put it in Rise and Fall.” Kanda's mouth twists in confusion. “What sort of solo?”“A guitar solo, Stupid! We don't even tell Lenalee or Lavi! It would be our little secret. I know you don't like disorder during shows, but this would be planned disorder! Doesn't it sound fun? We can correct after, and Lenalee and Lavi are fantastic musicians, they'll keep up.”Kanda seems to take a moment to consider what Allen’s saying, but slowly he starts to grin, and Allen’s a big advocate for Kanda smiling. It looks unbelievably good on him. “I don't think anything's more punk than mayhem,” Allen nods, leaning back in his seat. “Even if it's purposeful.”“Your eyeliner might come close,” Kanda jokes, and Allen laughs good-naturedly.“I do it to match your nails.”Kanda huffs in return. “For once, Beansprout, you have a good idea.”“I write most of our music.”That comment is disregarded. “We’ll work on it tonight.”The ‘we’ll’ does something funny to Allen’s heart. It’s stupid, because it makes sense and Allen is fairly certain it isn't personal, but it still feels nice to be included. Kanda’s very exclusive with his time. Allen opens his mouth to reply, but sees a shock of red hair barreling towards them at absurd speed. Allen could warn Kanda that he’s about to get tackled, but that would ruin the fun. “Yu!” Lavi jumps forward, wrapping arms around Kanda’s shoulders, eliciting a surprised, vicious growl, and hangs off of him for all of the three seconds it takes Kanda to overcome his shock and toss Lavi to the ground. “Don't fucking touch me,” Kanda snaps, and Lavi whimpers before moving over to Lenalee and trying to hang off of her instead. It doesn't go very well, and Lavi ends up on the ground after that as well.Allen, though, holds onto Kanda’s words, and thinks it’s unfair of his body to get even warmer considering the temperature outside. Even as close as Allen had been, Kanda hadn’t told Allen not to touch him.  
January 2001
 “ And there you are / standing ready to fight / blinding, blinding bright / blinding, blinding bright / go on and close your eyes, close them tight / hope the demons stop coming at night .”“ Noah’s Ark’s heavy above your head, heavier on your heart / you did your time, you did your part / but your life is over before it - before it starts.”
“Wash away the sin / wash it from your skin. Wash it away - away - away from within.”

“Noah’s Ark’ll leave you behind / everything’s as it’s designed.” 
“And there you are / standing ready to fight / blinding, blinding bright / blinding, blinding bright / go on and close your eyes, close them ti - Shit!” 
January, 2001
 
Issue Three - Pandas 
 They wont stop laughing at him. Even Kanda won't lay off him. It's rude and mean and to be completely honest if it was anyone else except him or Lenalee, he’d be laughing, too.“Al! You look like Gramps!”Allen can't say that he’s all that worried about his appearance, but being likened to an eighty year old man with perpetual dark circles and half a head of hair is fairly insulting. “Oh, shut up!” Allen returns, crossing his arms and focusing on Lenalee as she dabs concealer on his swollen eye. It stings at times, but he does his best not to wince. “Or you’ll be next!”“Sounding a bit like Yu, there,” Lavi laughs, and ducks when Kanda swats at his head. “Don't call me that,” Kanda snarls, as if his saying that for the eight hundredth time will convince Lavi. “Word, Home Skillet.”Allen groans at the same time as Lenalee and Kanda. Lavi never knows when to shut up. “Sorry if it hurts,” Lenalee comments, even if she is suppressing her own smile. At least she's pretending to be compassionate. “I'm fine,” he returns, and he mostly means it. “Not my first shiner.”“And not your last,” Kanda comments, like the asshole he is. “Let's not threaten each other,” Lenalee chides. “Allen is the face of our band. We need to keep him pretty.”“That's the only reason Kanda shouldn't give me a black eye?” Allen whines, disbelieving. “Of course not,” Lenalee returns, cooing. She is clearly patronizing him, but it's not malicious. It rarely is with her. She's a good band mate. “Also because I love you so deeply and also because brain damage would make it difficult for you to perform.”Allen huffs, not missing the way Kanda is sniggering and Lavi is rolling around on the couch with laughter. It’s not even that funny. “Maybe he should stop tripping over himself during shows, then,” Kanda offers, because he’s also a bitch. “I usually don't!” Allen exclaims, defensive. “There was a chord!”“There’s always a chord, Dumbass.”“We do play in a band,” Lavi agrees. “There tend to be chords.”“You got a lot of well wishes from fans, though!” Lenalee offers. It's not as comforting as she probably thinks it is. “That just means a lot of people saw it,” Allen groans, taking the mirror Lenalee hands him to take a look at her work. It’s impressive - he can't even tell he fell face first into the crowd last night. “I can't wait to see a tabloid with your face on it!” Lavi says, also not very comforting. “Pretty sure we need to be a lot more popular to get on magazines, Lavi,” Lenalee sighs. “I don't know. This was pretty funny. Maybe we’ll get even more popular!”“No!” Allen yelps. “No, this is not how we do it!”“What’s wrong, ‘Sprout? Scared?”“Absolutely! I’m already never going to live this down with you three! It doesn't have to be like that with the rest of our fans!”Lenalee places her hands on her hips and pokes Allen in the forehead. “Such a drama queen. No one will care come tomorrow.”Maybe she's right, but it doesn't make this any less mortifying. He keeps hoping that he won't have to ever talk about this again. Ever. “It’s gonna be fine,” Lenalee continues. She ruffles his hair before going over to Lavi and sitting primly in his lap. “There’s room for you, too, Al!” Lavi laughs, waving him over. “You can come sit on Yu’s lap!” Kanda immediately throws the nearest thing within reach at Lavi, which happens to be a water bottle, while Allen struggles valiantly to keep his blush down. Damn being so goddamn pale. “Ow!”Lenalee seems to side with Kanda on this one, and rightly so. “You deserved it.” Allen’s fairly certain the rest of his band mates aren't aware of his - does he call it a crush? - issue. Affliction. Obsession. Whatever. Kanda catches him looking, sometimes, but Allen finds he has a hard time avoiding the pull to observe him. He's gorgeous, of course, but there's something else - something Allen can't really explain or describe. When he looks at Kanda, it's not just his physical appearance that he sees; something like the slope of his shoulders or the grace of his hands or the set of his brow - these things that aren't necessarily beautiful, but are downright mesmerizing. But hopefully Kanda just takes it at face value, assumes Allen has eyes and can see that he's handsome, and leaves it at that. He doesn't need to look any deeper into it. Sure, Lenalee and Lavi are dating and it doesn't feel like some sort of omen for the band, but should anything happen between him and Kanda it would be disastrous. This is assuming, of course, Kanda had any interest in him in the first place. Allen’s fairly sure he’d have noticed something by now if he did. He decides not to sit on Kanda’s lap, because no amount of insanity could convince him otherwise, and Lavi blessedly lets it go. “So, Al. As an apology, I’ll run to the store for snacks,” Lavi starts, and Allen perks up, ready to forgive him. It’s really so easy to please him, he’s not a hardass like Kanda. “Should I get you some bamboo, or…?”Kanda blindly reaches for something else, this time finding Lavi’s Tamogachi, and hums it at his head. “No! John Bonham!”He scrambles violently, attempting to catch his Tamogachi, and accidentally knocks Lenalee in the face as he does. She yelps, and everything stops as the other three hold their breath. “Son of a bitch,” Lenalee bites out. “That hurt!” “Lena-baby!” Lavi cries out and wraps his arms around her waist, even as she tries to push away. She doesn't look weepy, Lenalee doesn't really get weepy, she just looks pissed. “I'm sorry! You know how much I love John Bonham! It was an accident! Parental instinct!”“Fucking hell, Lavi,” she snaps at him, and he finally lets her go with a dramatic pout. “Share the couch with John Bonham tonight then!”As Lenalee turns on her heel with a huff, Allen notices the skin around her left eye starting to yellow.  
May, 2001
 “Oh, man! That was great! Can’t believe you knocked that guy flat! I mean, I would have if you didn't, of course. I'm totally manly and also a protector type. Yu, my main dude, you are -”“Shut the fuck up. Get out of my apartment.”“You can't kick me out! Alma invited me!”“I don't give a shit. Leave me alone.”“...What are you doing?”“Nothing! Go away, Lavi!”“Sorta looks like you're doing something. What’s that notebook?”“None of your goddamn business! If you don't get out of my room right the fuck now, you’ll be laying on the ground next to the prick who made a pass at Lena.” “Hmmm, looks like you're writing music. Ah! I didn't know you wrote music, Yu! You've been holding out on us! Wait ‘til Al finds out!”“He won’t , because you won't fucking tell him!”“Aw, why not? Are you worried it's not good or something? You know Allen won't care. He’ll only tease you a little.”“I swear if you take another goddamn step I will end your life.”“Okay, okay, sheesh. Dunno why you're so embarrassed. I think it's romantic that you're writing an acoustic duet for you and him!”“Goddamnit, Lavi!”“Ah! I'm sorry! Fuck - ow! Alma! Come save me!!” 
First Studio Release: Apostle (1999)
 
Noah’s Ark

Soul’s Escape

Innocence

First, Second, Third

Home is Where Your Feet Land

Rise and Fall

The Demon in the Mirror

Save Me

Bloody Exorcism

Dark December

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

June, 2001
 
Issue Four - Owls
 He's been staring at the same spot on the ground for a very long time, but he doesn't even notice until his attention is pulled away from it.“Gonna make it, ‘Sprout?”Allen blinks and looks up, noticing Kanda sitting on the couch across from him. It's unnaturally hot in the garage today, but he looks very casual and relaxed, an ankle crossed over his knee, cheek resting on his palm as he leans against the arm of the sofa; he’s absurdly handsome. “Make what?”Kanda huffs in amusement. “You’ve always been a lightweight.” Allen frowns a bit. “I don't see what that has to do with anything.”Rolling his eyes, Kanda brings his cigarette to his mouth and takes a drag. “Means you aren't bein’ productive. Learn how to pace yourself, Genius.”Reaching next to him, Allen snatches up his CD binder and unzips it. “Fine then,” he sniffs. “What are we starting with?”Kanda watches him for a second, quiet, and Allen starts to feel a little fidgety. Strange, considering he also feels like he could also go for a little nap. “Why are you asking me?”“Are you going to contribute? ”“Sure.”But he makes no other moves, just keeps watching, eyes dark as they lazily regard Allen. He feels…not scrutinized but…observed? Allen licks his lips to try to help his dry mouth, and Kanda watches that too, eyes laser focused on his lips. It gives him crazy ideas, but Kanda is right about his lack of productivity because there’s no merit to them. Omens, omens, omens, Allen reminds himself; Kanda could just looking at a crumb stuck to him or something, and should Allen do something stupid because of a misinterpretation, it could ruin everything. His attraction is just really getting out of hand. Maybe he needs to ask and just get it out in the open? A question can be innocuous, it doesn't have to complicate things, and he’s feeling brave.“Kanda. I'm just…really curious…” Kanda raises an eyebrow at him and takes another drag, this time letting the smoke drift lazily from his lips. Allen wonders if he's high yet, too. “Would you want to kiss me?"Hmm, that wasn't the question he intended to ask. Oh well. Maybe he’ll worry about it later. Kanda’s eyes go wide. “What?” Allen doesn't know if he’s ever seen the guy so shocked. He’s quiet for a moment before seemingly getting a handle on himself. “Stop talking, Beansprout…You’ll embarrass yourself.”Allen hums and frowns. He thinks that's a rejection? It’s sort of vague. “Is that a yes or a no?”Kanda sneers. “I'm not hanging out with you when you’re smoking ever again. No , Dumbass. I don't want to kiss you.”Allen tries really, really hard not to let his disappointment show on his face, but he must end up not doing very well, because suddenly Kanda scoffs and runs a hand through his hair. He seems agitated. “Jesus. Why the fuck are you asking?”Allen looks away, maybe a little too far considering the twinge it causes. “Probably just projecting,” he mutters, stupidly. Kanda just turned him down, he could have played this off as a joke.Suddenly, he doesn't want to deal with this. He grabs one of Lenalee’s issues of zoo books, and focuses on that instead. Sometimes he gets inspiration from these, more so when he isn't sober. Maybe if he finds a good idea he can change the subject. “Oh, put that shit down,” Kanda bites, and his words are sharp like talons. Allen doesn't want to comply, it's easier to look at alligators, but Kanda’s tone leaves no room for questions. “What the fuck do you mean, projecting?”When Allen looks at Kanda again, he notices his eyes look a little bloodshot. Maybe he’s not so unaffected. “Who’s asking?”“Clearly me , Dipshit.”“Why the hell do you care? You already said no.”Kanda clicks his tongue and stares at the cigarette in his hand. “We tour in a band together, Allen,” Kanda returns, and Allen’s breath catches. It's not the first time Kanda's said his name - they've been friends for half a decade - but it's so rare that it has the same effect. “We shouldn't do some dumb shit like…”“I know . I know. I was just asking, shit.”Maybe asking wasn't as harmless as he thought. “Then why'd you look so goddamn sad?”Allen grimaces. “Not your problem, is it?”Kanda catches his eye, and he's so beautiful, and Allen is so gay, and he needs to leave before he says any other stupid shit. He makes a note - no more important conversations when he’s been smoking. That should have already been a rule, but to be fair, this has never been an issue. He and Kanda don't spend a lot of time alone, especially getting high. He sighs and tosses the magazine on the table before grabbing his CD player and standing. “I'll be in my room, writing. You can stay to practice, if you want.”They had meant to listen to music together, but Allen doesn't think it'd be the same now. This outcome is still way better than the alternative, though; bouncing back from this will be easy - they've bounced back from physical fistfights, so some awkward conversation won't be difficult. Allen isn't concerned about their dynamic. Kanda watches, silent, as Allen hefts his CD player and walks inside the house. It’ll be fine, they’ll figure it out. At least he didn't have to be sober for that. He doesn't know when Kanda leaves, and he ends up being too scared to check in the end - as he comes down, he feels the weight of everything settle down heavier and heavier in his chest, and he figures if he’s going to feel sorry for himself he might as well use it to write something. He stays up all night composing, and doesn't even feel tired until the sun comes up again. Once the exhaustion hits him, he pushes his notebooks and sheet music off his bed and onto the floor before sinking into his sheets and falling into a dreamless sleep.  
June, 2001

“Okay, Lena. This is operation ‘ What the fuck is going on with Yu and Al?’. ”“That’s sorta confusing for a title, Alma.”“Ugh, fine. What's wrong with Sourpuss and Short-Stack , then.”“Better!”“Alright, so you said Allen’s been extra devastated at the thought of interacting with Kanda for the past two weeks, right?”“Or something like it. He looks like he wants to run away when I mention band practice.”“Right?! Yu, too! I mean - Sourpuss, too! I mentioned Allen in passing the other day and he looked like he wanted to throw up! Even more than usual!”“Well, Lavi went ahead and told Allen Kanda wrote a duet for them and asked if Allen had seen it yet. Poor baby went so white. Also more than usual.” “Oh my god, Lena - do you think they kissed?”“Hmmm. I dunno. It's been such a long time coming, I feel like there would be less tension, not more.”“Ah, I bet Yu fucked up.”“Yeah. Same.”“I have a plan! We do a big jam session at Allen’s. Like, make it sound serious. You guys are coming up on the release of History , right? I bet there’s loads of reasons the four of you should be practicing.”“You're telling me! We just have the three goddamn stooges in the band and two of them won't man up and be honest with each other.”“For real! I think we just need to get them to hang out together in a really casual setting and they’ll get back to normal. Something has to change. They can't keep doing this forever. Yu is more irritable than ever.”“That’s really saying something…”“Okay, now that that's settled, come play me in Smash! I’m brushin’ up on my skills. I gotta beat your boyfriend or I’ll be a laughing stock.”“Laughing stock of where ?”“Basically anywhere he goes!”“Okay, okay, but just know you’re gonna lose against me, too.”“Lena!”  
July, 2001
 
Issue Five: Bats 
 “You really think a ‘Crazy Train’ inspired riff belongs in Vortex ?” Lenalee asks, settling into her seat. Kanda looks up at her from where he's tuning his guitar. “You just spent two hours trying to figure out how to fit an homage to Flea in Darkest Black.”  Lenalee huffs, messing with the pegs on the headstock of her bass, too. “Yeah, well,” she pouts. “ Blood Sugar Sex Magik is basically the entire reason you have a bassist.”Kanda seems very disinterested. “There are a lot of bassists, Lena. Could have found someone else.”It’s sort of crazy to think of how, for lack of a better term, whipped Kanda is for Lenalee considering he talks to her like that. Allen’s seen first hand how he’ll do just about anything she asks, and he’s laid more than one guy flat for disrespecting her. He’d almost think Kanda has a thing for her if not for the fact that she’s almost a surrogate little sister to him. “Listen, Yu. We owe a lot to the Chili Peppers. In fact, the first time Lena-Baby and I-”“ Shut up!” Kanda and Lenalee both seem fairly outraged at Lavi's commentary, and honestly Allen isn't too sure how long it's going to take before their drummer learns his lesson. He certainly hasn't yet. Allen looks down at his notebook, twirling his pen between his fingers. Working in the same room as his friends isn't always easy, but it keeps his brain awake and ideas fresh. He’s barely even distracted by Kanda’s presence today. “Hey, Lenalee. For A Cliche Ending you were thinking - what, F sharp minor?”She looks away from Kanda and grins at him. “Yes! Do you have the melody yet?” She sets her bass on the couch next to her as she skips over to him. Alma takes her spot and fiddles with her bass, even though he’s notoriously tone deaf. She leans over where he's stationed at and glances down at his notes. “Oh, I like that,” she comments with a nod, kneeling on the ground and pressing a finger to the refrain. “Nice throwback to the title.”“Well, I'm only using what you gave me.”“Pssh, you take anything we give you and turn it to gold. Shit might as well be Beanie Babies.”She folds her legs beneath her as she sits on the concrete with him. “You’re exaggerating,” Allen returns with a laugh, and it earns a gasp from Alma.“No! Al! She’s right! Be nice to yourself! I heard of this thing called self-care, and-”Kanda scoffs. “Alma, shut the fuck up about ‘self care.’ You already do whatever the hell you want. You don't need an excuse to be lazier.”Angrily, Alma decides to punish the room by using his foot to turn Lenalee’s amp up and violently strum several extremely dissonant chords.“Give me that,” Kanda snaps, swiping at the bass. Alma holds it just out of his reach, scooting away as Kanda snarls at him. Allen thinks Kanda could move his guitar to get at Alma if he really wanted to. All of them are batshit, probably. Not just Lavi.Lenalee leans in close to him and pokes his shoulder. “Hey.”Her voice is a low whisper, and Allen’s eyebrows furrow as he turns his attention back to her. “You okay?” She asks. He actually feels better today than he has in the two weeks since he made an idiot of himself. True to his expectations, nothing is extremely different with them except that they don't really interact with each other. Allen had thought he was doing a pretty standup job not making any discomfort he felt noticeable.But he doesn't like to lie to Lenalee. His eyes flit over to where Alma is relentlessly egging Kanda on, then back to her. “Can we talk later?”Her eyes widen a little bit as she nods soundlessly. Maybe she was expecting him to deflect - it wouldn't be unlike him. He looks down at his notes, then picks up the sheet of paper he'd been working on. “I was thinking about something. How do you feel about doing this unplugged?”She gives him a curious look. “Like, acoustic? What did you have in mind?”He hands her the sheet of loose leaf. “Me and you - just my piano and your bass.”She’s quiet for a moment, genuinely considering what he’s saying. He watches her gaze go unfocused for a moment, then she closes her eyes and smiles. “We’ve never done that.”“No,” Allen shakes his head. “It’s not incredibly common, but it’s unique, and it’s yours.”Her smile grows - she looks truly touched. “Alma!” She exclaims, standing suddenly. “Give me my bass back, you booger!”“Booger?!” He screeches with laughter, going to crawl off the back of the couch to evade her. He attempts to pull the bass with him, but fails miserably. Lenalee grabs the body of it and easily takes it from him. “Lena! I was using that!”“More like abusing,” Lavi snickers. Lenalee plops down onto the couch next to Kanda and flips her hair out of her face before crossing her legs. “Come on, Allen. Let’s fuck it up. Grab your keyboard.”He laughs, standing, as Lavi whistles. “Booyah, that’s my hot bitch!”When he returns with his keyboard, he sits on the ground in front of the couch and sets it in front of him. Not as easy to play as when it's on its stand, but more comfortable and he can be closer to Lenalee. This brings him closer to Kanda as well, though, and Allen’s heart flutters in his throat when he notices Kanda’s eyes on him. When he looks back on instinct, Kanda goes back to looking at his guitar. Okay, they’re a little weird, but at least they can stay in the same room together. Maybe. “I'm getting a beer,” Kanda cuts in, and he rests his guitar against the sofa before standing and heading into the house. Alma happily skips over to where Kanda had been sitting and hums, snuggling to the cushions. “He’s always been such a space heater!” Alma exclaims. “He kept my seat warm.”Allen rolls his eyes, forcing any nonessential feelings down very deep. “Good luck keeping that seat,” he comments idly, and adjusts the extension cord supplying electricity to his keyboard before leaning forward to mess with a few settings. “So, I was thinking something like this for the rhythm.” He taps away at the keys, swaying and humming as he does, doing his best to follow Lenalee’s vision. He wants to do her justice. Allen stops when Alma is pushed onto the ground next to him, and blinks in shock as Kanda falls onto the couch in his spot again, Miller in hand. He takes a long sip before pointing a finger at Allen. “Go an octave up.”Allen’s fingers hesitate over the keys before complying. Those are the first words Kanda's said directly to him since their conversation. It takes him a moment too long to come to the realization that Kanda is right. Playing in the fourth does sound better. Less haunting, more…regretful. He huffs out a laugh as he plays the rudimentary melody. “Look at you,” Allen jokes. “Acting like you're a musician for once.”“I’m always a musician, Jackass.” “Could have fooled me! All you ever do is play the same six chords in varying progression!”Kanda kicks his keyboard. “Bitch.”Alma leans heavily against Allen’s shoulder. “Ah, familiarity. Have you two considered putting your bickering behind a track? Like, uh, like in that new Backstreet Boys song!”“That’s…actually not a bad idea,” Lenalee says, sounding intrigued.“It sounds like a horrible idea,” Allen murmurs, mortified. “Worse than horrible. Whatever that is.”Lavi absently taps one of his high-hats. “Alma, you’re a genius. I’mma get you a medal. Lena, keep your cassette recorder close. Should be easy enough to get something good for Komui.”Allen does not want to immortalize him and Kanda speaking on a track. Absolutely not. Not even acting, not even fighting. It feels…not right. “Whatever,” Kanda sneers, and he takes another swig of beer. “If it works in the song, it works in the song.”Allen doesn't know what to say, and he certainly doesn't know what to feel. He turns back to his keyboard and positions his fingers above it. “Fine. I guess.”“Score!” Alma pushes heavily against Allen once more, and Allen has basically sonar hearing but still barely hears him whisper: “I’m glad you two are talking again.”Did everyone notice they were acting differently?? He doesn't reply to Alma, but he inclines his head in a slight nod. Maybe it bodes well. Maybe they’ll be better soon.   
July, 2001
 “So. I, um. Sort of. Hit on Kanda.”“Mmhmm? And?”“What do you mean , ‘and?’?!”“It's not like we didn't expect something like this.”“We? Lenalee! Who else?!”“Alma. Lavi. Listen, Allen, it's not like you’re subtle !”“What?! I thought I was being subtle!”“I don't think you’ve ever been subtle about it. You know you look at him a lot, right? And you've written, like, at least five songs about him.”“ How did you know that ? Who knows that? Does Kanda know that ??” “Pretty sure he doesn't.”“Oh, thank god…what? Why are you looking at me like that?”“Because you’re being stupid . You need to talk to him about it! Seriously! Let him know how you feel!”“That sounds miserable and also dangerous.”“It’s important. If you aren't gonna do it for your own goddamn happiness, at least do it for the band.”“...Lenaleeeeeeeee.”“Don't whine. Just talk to him.”“Ugh! Fine! Fine, I will. I'll talk to him. Fine.”“Good. You’ll feel better after, I promise.”“Dunno about that…”“You will.”  
July, 2001
 
Issue 6 - Elephants
 Lenalee is of the firm opinion that he should sit down and talk with Kanda, but that sounds downright disastrous. For one, what would he even say? Oh, sorry, shouldn't have implied that I want you to want me so terribly that I imagined you were into me, too. For two, it's Kanda, and even if Allen had the perfect words to say, talking with him is like talking to a brick wall. Third of all, somehow getting Kanda alone is so terribly anxiety inducing that it could bring on a panic attack. He doesn't know why he’s so afraid of Kanda all of a sudden. Maybe just because he knows things could get worse if prompted. On the flip side, Lenalee could be right and things could get better. They’re interacting together again (sort of), but Allen is still deeply uncomfortable, and he thinks Kanda is, too. Allen probably hasn't seen him stone cold sober since everything went down. In the end, though, he knew he was going to give in to her. It's Lenalee. Of course he was. “Well?”Allen taps his foot and stares at the floor of Kanda’s kitchen. He asked to meet here because it felt safe, because Alma is at work for the next five hours and he wanted to do this in a space that's comfortable for Kanda. “Lenalee knows what happened. You know. With…us.”Kanda scoffs and leans his hip against a cabinet. “Of course she does, fuckin’ blabbermouth.”“Hey! She basically tore it out of me, you dick! She - I don't know, she noticed something and asked me. I tried to give her the CliffsNotes, but she wasn't having it.”“So, what, then? What do you want?”He doesn't know. Well, he does know, but that's clearly not possible anymore. “I guess she wants us to, uh, to fix this. Not dance around each other.”“Is that what you fucking call this?” Kanda snorts. Defensiveness bubbles up in Allen’s chest. “What would you call it then?”“I’d call it 'stop being stupid and get over yourself.’ It's not a big deal. You were high.”Allen falters. Does Kanda really think all of that happened because he wasn't really in his clearest of mental states? “Yeah,” he frowns. “You’re right, I guess.”Kanda is quiet for a while, uncomfortably so, but Allen doesn't know what to say. “I'll ask again, Beansprout. What the fuck do you want? Not Lena.” Allen’s heart stutters in his chest. Kanda sounds…very curious. “Same thing. I want us to be okay.” It’s not even a lie. He really means that. He’s just omitting some other things he wants. “We’re okay,” Kanda assures him, and his tone is as close to genuine as Allen thinks is possible. Maybe on someone else it would sound forced or fake, but Allen knows he means what he's saying. “Don't freak out over something like that. ‘S not a big deal.” On the contrary, it feels like a very big deal, but Allen feels reassured nonetheless. He swallows, and then decides he might as well ask a few questions since he feels like he can stand to hear the answers now. “Were you…upset?”“...No. Does it seem like I’m upset?” “To be fair, I’ve never heard you not upset.”Kanda huffs a small laugh, and the sound is very nice. “I wasn't upset, Idiot.”“Because it’s sort of gross, right, I mean-” “Shut up . It wasn't gross. Stop fucking doing that. I hate when you do that.”“Do what?”“Self-deprecate. Back track. Stop worrying about what other people think so goddamn much.”“Well, I think I’ll always care about what you think of me,” Allen returns, putting his foot fully in his mouth. He feels his face heat, but doesn't elaborate. Even if he could find a not weird explanation, it would be weak. Kanda's watching him, a small grimace forming. Oh, that seems not good. “You shouldn't. My opinion of you doesn't matter. No one’s does except your own. Get a fucking backbone.” Kanda is starting to lose patience, so the best thing to do here is agree and disengage. But Kanda does this crazy thing to him that no one else does - triggers some deep, instinctual need to bite back. “Well, excuse me for wanting my friend to think well of me. We can't all be run by Skynet! Some of us have feelings!”Kanda snarls at him, leaning forward sharply, and Allen resists the urge to take a step back. Instead, he takes a step forward. It’s so goddamn irritating that Kanda does this. He thinks he's so much better than everyone else in the room. “There’s a difference between wanting someone to think well of you and relying on it, Stupid!”Aw, shit. Yeah. Yeah, he's right. “Whatever,” Allen shoots back, because he unfortunately has nothing better to come back with. And this is normally the spot where Kanda would jump on that and bask in his victory, but he…doesn't. He still looks angry. “I'm not a goddamn robot, you little asshole. Get over yourself. I don't give a shit whether you like dudes or chicks or both or whatever . Why the fuck would I waste my time bothered by that shit? There's more important things to care about in this fucked up world. And besides - no, you know what? I don't owe you a fucking explanation. Go fuck yourself.”Allen thinks that's maybe the most emotion he’s ever heard from Kanda, and it shuts him right up. He feels something like regret - no matter what else he feels or what else happens, Kanda is still one of his best friends. “You’re right…I’m sorry.”Kanda looks away. “That was all uncalled for. I just. It’s difficult. I know you said it doesn't matter what other people think, but to be honest it does make me anxious to think you might be…put off by me. Setting aside the fact that we work together, we’re friends. I value your place in my life.” To lighten the mood he adds: “Most of the time,” with a smile.It works, marginally. Some of the tension visibly releases in Kanda’s shoulders. “Fine. Then, to ease your simple little mind, you don't have any reason to be anxious.” Allen exhales, then laughs softly with the release of fear that accompanies Kanda’s words. “Thank you. Lenalee will be happy.”Kanda rolls his eyes. “And you?”He grins. “Me, too. Now that that’s settled, come with me to Blockbuster. I'm on snack and movie duty for tonight.”“No way,” Kanda shoots back, even as Allen turns to leave the kitchen. “Get your own goddamn movie!” He tries again, but he ends up following anyway. He always does.   
October, 2001
 “Right, and the label’s on board? We’ll do an official announcement with the release of the album.”“Yeah, all good to go, Chief.”“Great. I know they’ll be excited to hear it. I know they’re tired.”“You say that like it's not about to get even more tiring. They have some serious promoting to do.” “Well, at least it's all for a good cause. They should get some energy back now that we have the all-clear for the tour.”“Right. Guess the paycheck won't hurt, either. That bonus is pretty nice.”“It won’t hurt, but they’ll have some things to be more excited about.”“Ah, musicians. I forget us on the back line are the only ones that worry about money.”“Well, it’s been a long time since they had to figure out their own finances. That’s why we keep Fey around, after all.”“Don't joke like that around her. She’ll dump your workload back onto you. You should give that poor woman a break.”“I’m sure I don't know what you mean, Reever.”“Sure, Chief.” “Anyway! Thank you for the good news. I’ll share it with Lenalee and the others.”“Alright. Let me know if you need anything else. Wait…no. Let me know if, within the specifications of my job title, there’s anything else I need to do.” “Mmm.”“I mean it. Talk to you later.”“Goodbye.”

Second Studio Release: Black/White (2000)

Black/White

Merry Christmas/Happy Birthday

Blood/Red

Order/Disorder

Unknown/Known

Seeing/Believing

Night/Day

Beginning/Ending

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

December, 2001
 
Issue 7- Spiders
 … having been announced with the release of their third album, History of Everything. Although this is their second major tour in as little as a year and a half, we still found the group of four best friends sitting around their frontman’s garage with a few beers and a few more laughs - according to bassist Lenalee Lee, that's one thing that’ll never change. 
“We’re just down to Earth, I guess. There’s nowhere more comfortable than the place we basically grew up in. We don't need much.”

With a sound that feels like the love child of early 90’s grunge and classic 70’s album-oriented rock, The Exorcists are well on their way to fame.
Allen clicks away from the blog post, rubbing his eyes and leaning back in his chair. They're at Lavi’s, crowding around the only desktop computer between the four of them (five, including Alma, but he shares an apartment with Kanda, so he can't really be included in that) and this moment feels like it should be momentous, but he’s just tired. They haven't stopped to take a breath in weeks. “So, what next?” Lavi asks, and some of his usual exuberance is missing as well. They’re worn out.“Ask Komui,” Kanda grumbles. “He’s the one making all of these goddamn decisions for us.”“Brother only has our best interests in mind,” Lenalee tries, but it's a weak effort. It feels like all of this has been creeping up for some time now, crawling around in the background, growing closer and closer with each and every day that passes. “We should be happier,” Allen groans.“Oh, I’m fucking ecstatic,” Kanda returns, deadpan. “Can't you fucking tell?” He chuckles. “I guess this means we're still in it for the music.”“Well,” Lavi says, leaning over Allen’s shoulder as he takes over the mouse and also crushes Allen. “The check was nice, too. Got Lena and I a down payment on a house. Never dreamed we’d do that when we started.”Allen does have to agree. Being able to pay towards a few lingering debts did feel nice, although it brought Cross out of the woodwork. It’s like he can smell money from a mile away. Or two thousand, really, considering his godfather has been in South America for the last two years.“Are you ever moving out of your apartment?” Lenalee directs at Kanda. “Living with Alma can not be a pleasant experience. I mean. I love him but…I don't live with him.”Kanda snorts. “I’m trying. He’s just being annoying as hell about it. I'm about ready to lease him his own condo or some shit.”“He has you trapped!” Lavi exclaims, and Allen is bent forward even further. “Like a little fly in his web.”“Weird,” Lenalee murmurs, and Allen has to agree, but Lavi is always weird. He pushes back up, trying to get Lavi’s weight off of him, but fails. Lavi is just too damn big. “I don't know why I fucking indulge him,” Kanda mutters, but everyone is the group basically already knows. If Lenalee is his little sister, Alma’s his more annoying younger brother. As much as he’ll do for Lenalee, he’d do the same for Alma. Kanda seems to have a hard time telling him no and genuinely meaning it. “Because you're a big softie,” Lavi returns, to his own detriment. “You indulge him almost as much as you indulge Al!” Allen recoils, knocking his head against Lavi’s. “Ow!”“You think he indulges me?” Allen laughs, horrified and very confused. “He can barely stand me most of the time. Have you met him? Have you seen him?”“Of course!” Lavi chirps. “He cares! You should have heard how worried he was abou-”“Shut up!” Kanda snaps, and he hits Lavi in the back of the head hard enough that Allen nearly feels the impact. “Don't spout useless shit!”Um. What the fuck? Kanda doesn't get worried, especially about him. Oh, bad. Oh, bad, bad, bad. Bad for so many reasons. A solid four and a half months have passed since he and Kanda settled things, and so much has happened since then; things Allen doesn't really even want to think about. He was fine, he’d honestly had so many other things to worry about that he barely had time for self-pity, and it got better. But Allen has this terrible condition that flew past attraction an admittedly long time ago, and anything that could possibly spark the tiniest of hopes has his stupid goddamn tail wagging. Because his brain isn't working, he asks, “Worried?” Lenalee butts in before things get any worse, though. “ I’m worried about my sanity. Allen, please tell me you have a plan in place for A Cliche Ending live.”It takes him a moment, but he slowly starts to work again. “Uh, yeah. I mean - We’ll keep it like it is, and then it makes sense for that to be the final song on our setlist for each show. Didn't Komui talk to you about it?”There’s a split second hesitation, then Lenalee says. “No?” She's a bad liar, but he's grateful for the attempt. “Oh!” Lavi shouts, right next to his ear. “I wanna add a kickass solo to First, Second, Third! I've been thinking about it, and it would be so damn cool to add something new to it.”Even though his ears are ringing, Allen agrees. It was one of the first songs they ever played live. “Yeah - well, go for it. Let us know what you end up wanting to do and we’ll get it in there.”“Score!” Lavi clicks enter on the keyboard and leans back before stretching, leaving behind the truly idiotic AIM Away Message he’d set for himself. Allen will never understand his friend’s lack of shame, or how Lenalee deals with him. One would think a long term girlfriend wouldn’t be okay with her boyfriend’s AIM Away Message being: “if u WeRe my hOmEwoRK, i'D b doing U riTe now ;)Easy to forget Lavi is twenty-six and also about to go on tour with a band who’s started to gain actual traction in the industry. With a sigh, Allen stands up and turns, only to notice Kanda has disappeared. He shoots a look to Lenalee, who shrugs with a sheepish smile before pointing in the direction of Lavi’s front door. It’s cold outside, but his feet take him there before he has a lot of time to think about it. He isn't sure how long Kanda has been gone, but he knows why he left. Allen supposes they need to talk again - he just needs to be prepared for the inevitable rejection that'll come once more. He finds Kanda outside with a cigarette, bundled up in his sweatshirt as he stares out at the street moodily. He doesn't look at Allen as he approaches. “Go away.”Allen puts his hands in the pockets of his sweater and kicks his foot at the ground. “You doin’ okay?”Kanda sneers. “What, too stupid to know what ‘go away’ means?” Allen hums and goes to stand next to Kanda anyway. “You don't have to be worried about me anymore. I'm fine now.” For the most part. “I'm not worried about you,” Kanda hisses, and he flicks cigarette ashes onto the ground to accompany his point. “You're a big kid. You can take care of yourself. You can probably even work your own pull-ups now.”Allen takes a deep breath, working to keep them calm and level. He doesn't want to start anything with Kanda right now.“I know you're just being defensive. I don't want to fight.” “If you don't leave me alone, you won't have any choice.”Okay. Calm. Breath. Peace. Tranquility. “It's okay to care about a friend, Kanda…” Allen goes on, cautious. “You don't have to be weird about it because of what I said before. Let's just go back to normal, okay?”“Normal?” Kanda asks, still not looking at him. “You really are an idiot.”“Kanda! Come on, stop making this so damn difficult. I'm trying here.” Kanda pauses, then drops his unfinished cigarette to the ground and stomps it out. It’s unlike him to be wasteful like that. “It’s already difficult. You aren't subtle . I don't know what the fuck you think normal is but I see the way you look at me even now. I'm not worried, I’m - fuck. Fuck. Shit. Goddamnit.” He grinds his foot further into the ashes he left on the pavement. “How am I supposed to leave you be? Leave it be? Months and months of this shit - of knowing. And don't go all weepy on me, I see your fucking face.” Kanda makes a grumbling sound of agitation, and Allen stays silent. “ Yes , you asshole. Yes, I wanted to kiss you that day. Yes, I fucking lied and I do give a shit about who you want to fuck. There’s no goddamn normal. There hasn't been normal, unless normal to you means spending the better part of four motherfucking years looking at you and wondering if it would be worth it to give in to your goddamn attention.” Allen doesn't know what to say. He's genuinely speechless. “I guess it doesn't fucking matter if it's worth it or not anymore because the last six months have been the most annoying goddamn months of my life, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of walking into a room and feeling like you have eight goddamn eyes and they’re all staring into my fucking soul.”Allen opens his mouth to try again to say something and yet again falls short. “Well?” Kanda snaps, clearly also looking for Allen to say something. “Now of all goddamn times you don't have anything to say?”He inhales, then exhales. “So, you lied, because…?”Kanda huffs. “I'm not trying to complicate shit out here. We spend half our goddamn lives together, either touring or making music or what the fuck ever. Thought that'd be obvious.”It is, but it's still something Allen needed to hear out loud. “What now?” Allen asks, and Kanda doesn't answer. Maybe he doesn't know how to. Allen fidgets as he continues. “Sort of sounds like…you want to give in.” Still, Kanda stays silent, so Allen shoves down every little twinge of anxiety to reach out and brush the back of his hand against Kanda’s - Kanda’s hand twitches in response, but he doesn't pull away. “Your hand is so cold,” Allen comments, then slots their palms together.It's almost reactionary the way that Kanda’s fingers thread through his, which is surprising considering his reactions otherwise. “You know, I really was doing okay. Well, I was doing better, at least, but turns out I couldn't let it go after all.”Kanda exhales a heavy breath. “Me neither.”For a moment, Allen looks out to the street with Kanda - it's not incredibly interesting, but it gives him a moment to breathe. “So…four years, huh?” “Oh, shut it,” Kanda returns, and he goes to pull his hand away, but Allen keeps a strong grip on it. “No, I'm really curious!” Allen laughs, starting to feel lighter and lighter. “You're so good at pretending to hate me! I mean, I know you didn't, but still!” “You're pushing it, Beansprout.”As much as Allen wants to press further, he doesn't. Feelings are tightening in his chest, making him almost giddy, and he doesn't want to ruin that. “Alright, alright. I concede.” He moves forward and goes to stand in front of Kanda. “But can you blame me? I'm happy.”Kanda catches his eye, then softens a touch. “Fine. Yes. Four years.”“We've only known each other for five years!”“I know. It's been miserable.”Allen laughs and brings his other hand to grab Kanda’s free one. Kanda’s hands are so cold, probably from him being out here smoking. “We’re not stupid, okay? We aren't. This isn't…it can't be. It’ll be fine.”Kanda watches him, and he seems almost gentle. It's absurd and it makes Allen wanna pass out. He's gorgeous. “Okay.”“Alright. Okay. Alright. Do you still wanna kiss me?”He gets a laugh for that. “Yes.”“You should - you should go for that. You should do that.”Kanda’s hands squeeze his just slightly before he moves closer, and Allen, in all his excitement, reaches up to press their mouths together. Kanda tastes like cigarette smoke and weed and alchopops and Allen releases his hands to wrap arms around his shoulders. He draws as close as he can, tilting his head to the side, and only pulls away when Kanda tugs on a strand of hair. “We’re in Lavi’s front yard, Dumbass.”“Right, right,” Allen nods, and he pulls away. “Just…got ahead of myself there. I've wanted to do that for a long time.”“I fucking know.”Allen doesn't have it in him to be anything but exuberant. He reaches up and kisses the corner of Kanda’s mouth very quickly, noting the almost half smile it earns, before heading back towards the house. “It’s too cold out here, anyway. Let's go back in and see how long it takes Lenalee and Lavi to call us out.”Kanda snorts and rolls his eyes, but follows. “Unfortunately, it probably won't take very fucking long at all.” 
December 2001
 “Ugh, finally, Lavi. Finally. Yu was getting so damn unbearable.”“Funny, he usually says the same thing about you, Almito.”“You’ll break my heart! Don't say things like that! I can't bear to hear it!”“I'm sorry! I couldn’t resist - it was too easy, and I have a bad habit of slinging sick burns when I’m kicking ass in Mario Party.”“Ugh!”“Soooorry. Yu was worse than usual, then?”“Absolutely! He was always in his room playing guitar way too loud, and always bitching. About everything. I was about to shove their faces together if they didn't talk.”“Man, he really likes Allen. Hah! Take that! Good luck buying your next star now!”“Bitch! I won't forget that! …I thought basically everyone knew that but Al himself.”“Well, sure, but I don't think I ever really thought about the scope of it.”“Oh yeah, Dude. Yu’s got it bad. He’s totally head over heels. It was nearly love at first sight considering his personality.”“I just never thought he’d be the type .”“He isn't. Allen did something or said something and I swear about a year after they met Yu was a goner. I basically tore it out of him after you guys formed the band.”“He never told you why?”“Of course not! I tried to steal his diary but then he almost chopped my hands off so I just made my own assumptions.”“Which are?”“That Allen did something or said something. Yu’s kind of a simple guy - I'm guessing there was some singular moment somewhere and he just fell. He really loves Allen’s singing, so maybe something with that.”“Huh. I'm usually pretty observant. I'm a little pissed it took me so long to notice.”“To be fair, I live with him, and he’s like a brother to me. I've known him since we were nine. It's been like sixteen years now.”“Gross. Y'all old.”“You’re the same age as us, Bitch!”“Hm.” “Don't ‘Hm' me! Also, hah! Suck it! First place in Pedal Power!”“You won the battle, but not the war!” 
December, 2001
 
Issue 8 - Rattlesnake
 Allen is very glad for makeup, because he doesn't know how else he’d explain away the fact that ninety percent of his neck is marked up from Kanda’s teeth. Sure, Lenalee and Lavi and Alma are all aware - and relieved? - that he and Kanda have finally gotten over themselves, but Kanda is downright territorial, and it would be mortifying to have to address it. He’d ask Kanda to cool it, but he really doesn't want to. “We wanted to run everything by you four,” Komui starts, adjusting his glasses. He stands leaned against a wall in the studio, holding a portfolio of documents. “The US branch of the tour would begin in May, and it would run until we complete it in November in Prague - hitting thirty-two cities in between. Now I see your face, Kanda. It’s a lot, but we wanted to sit down and get your input on the cities we’ll be stopping in.”Allen is very torn. One the one hand…having thirty-two cities to play in, where people want to see them, is obviously a dream come true, and to be fair thirty-two cities in six months isn't even that bad. That's a little more than one city a week. He’s seen some bands hitting three or even four cities a week. Clearly this is to get them their sea legs - they’re used to tours on a much smaller scale.When they went to Australia last year, the opportunity had sort of fallen into their laps, and the idea of getting to play somewhere outside of the U.S. was something they couldn't ignore, but they haven't left the country since. “Well, we have to hit Edinstown, obviously,” Lena grins, leaning forward. “She’s right!” Lavi exclaims, throwing an arm around Allen’s shoulders. “I mean, it’s our lead single’s namesake and also the birthplace of our beloved frontman!”Allen laughs nervously. “Uh, yeah, well…” “Shut up,” Kanda groans. “You’ve heard Beansprout’s song. I don't think it’s a pleasant fucking place.”He appreciates that Kanda has his back, it makes him feel a little more comfortable with the idea, surprisingly enough. “Hm, well, that's true,” Lenalee returns with a small frown. “It’s your call, then.”He could probably explain the origin of that song, and maybe he should, but he thinks his lyrics have told his band mates it’s something of a sensitive nature. “Let’s do it,” Allen nods, and Lavi removes his arm. “You’re right. It just makes sense.” He turns a bit to catch Kanda’s eye and gives him a small, grateful smile. “It’ll be okay.”“Whatever,” Kanda sniffs, and he crosses his arms before turning away. He’s cute.“Well, we’ll continue the discussion. We’ll have to make some decisions somewhat soon so that we can announce the dates and start ticket sales.”“Komui…has the accountant made any projections yet?” Lenalee asks, and attention is turned to her brother in an instant.“Well,” Komui starts, and he looks down at his portfolio. “It’s going to be expensive, but there’s predicted to be a fairly large profit margin simply based on ticket sales alone. We aren't including merchandise or recordings in these numbers, but we stand to make a small fortune.”“So this one won’t be a loss,” Lavi jokes.Komui waves him off. “You haven’t toured at a loss for some time. Coupled with album sales, money isn't something you four should be concerned about.” “If we ever get concerned about money, just fucking shoot me,” Kanda grumbles. “So edgy,” Allen snickers, and Kanda shoots him a glare. It lacks venom, though. “We’ll reconvene here tomorrow,” Komui goes on, well used to their bickering. “Come with open minds and open hearts, please. I'm looking at you, Kanda.”“Hmrph.”Lenalee laughs and pats Kanda’s shoulders. “Great, well - we’re gonna go grab dinner. You two coming?”“Sure,” Allen grins, then turns to Kanda and huffs a laugh. “Or not,” he follows up, upon seeing Kanda’s pinched expression. “Got it,” Lavi nods, sagely, and Allen already doesn't want to hear what's coming next. He braces himself, and Lavi continues: “When Lena and I got together, we were the same. It's hard to wanna spend time with other people when things are so new.”Hm. Wow. Okay. A normal observation. “Right…” Allen returns, slowly. He gives Kanda a small smile. “Well, enjoy dinner.”“We will!” Lenalee chirps, and she puts her hands on Lavi’s shoulders to push him out of the room. “Come on, Komui! Buy me some sushi!”Her brother follows after her, but Allen doesn't miss the small grin he shoots at him and Kanda.And then they’re alone for all of about thirty seconds before Kanda grabs his hand and pulls it. “Follow me.”On instinct, Allen obliges and trails after him before he thinks to ask questions. “Where am I following you to, exactly?”He sees Kanda glance back at him for a moment, eyes flitting down to his neck before he turns forward again. Alright then. By the time Allen notices where he’s being led, it’s sort of too late to stop them. Kanda puts a grip on his wrist - not too tight but insistent - and pulls him into the men’s restroom.“Kanda,” Allen laughs nervously. “We’re at the studio.”“I know where we are,” he grumbles back, going over to the sinks and turning one on. He rips a few towels from the dispenser before running them under the water and stalking back over to Allen.“Wha-?”Kanda rubs at Allen's neck, at the makeup covering his bruises, and steps back once he’s apparently satisfied. A smug grin lights his lips as he taps against the skin of Allen’s throat. “Better.”Allen frowns deeply. “I don't have more makeup with me to cover those.”“Good. You look better without it.”Allen sighs deeply. “That's nice to hear, but what happens if it sparks rumors?” Kanda pauses, considering him. “You didn't think of that, did you?”“I - of course I did. I just don't care.” “Uh huh. I know you love scrutiny. You always rush in to participate in interviews.”“Shut up,” Kanda mutters, looking away. Allen reaches forward to wrap his arms around Kanda’s neck, and draws his attention back. “There’s plenty of skin that's easy to cover that you haven't marked yet, you know.” Dark blue eyes flash. “You’re a danger to yourself, Short-Stack.”Allen huffs out a laugh. “Maybe I like danger.”Kanda growls and surges forward, kissing him harshly. “Tease,” he mutters against Allen’s mouth. He feels hands push up under his shirt and he shivers at the sensation of Kanda’s warm fingers against his skin, then jolts when Kanda bites down on his bottom lip. Those insistent hands continue their march up his body, slithering against his skin as Kanda continues to work on his mouth. Allen doesn't think he’s ever been kissed like this, but to be fair, he’s never kissed anyone like Kanda. He kissed Lenalee, once. That was weird. And different. He doesn't know if anyone could kiss quite like Kanda, though, insistent and forceful and passionate. With a lot of biting. “Kanda,” he sighs, squirming as Kanda presses open mouthed kisses down his jaw and to his neck. “We should stop. We’re…at the studio.”Kanda gives his skin one last nip before pulling away and licking his lips. “Later, then.”Allen’s abdomen tightens at the thought as he nods breathlessly. “Later.” Dark blue eyes move along the length of Allen’s neck, and fingers, more gentle than Allen would have thought, brush over the sensitive skin there. “I did a good job.”Allen blushes through his laugh. “Kanda!” He moves past Kanda, then, to go to the mirror and survey the work done. “Kanda!” He repeats, a little louder. “Oh my god, I look like I was attacked.”“You were .”Goddamn right. The left side of his neck is just a mess of purple and red. “How am I supposed to cover this up?”Kanda comes up behind him, and Allen watches him through the mirror. “Don't. Maybe I pushed you down some stairs.”Allen laughs. “Pretty sure that's also not a good rumor to spread.”
“Discourse amongst The Exorcists. Are they on the verge of disaster?” 
Allen finds himself laughing harder. “Too real! Don't even joke!”Kanda presses a kiss to Allen’s ear before grinning against his hair. It's nice to be close to him like this - to feel his warmth and affection. Allen hadn't assumed Kanda would be so physically affectionate, but here they are. “Can you fucking imagine, though?” Kanda huffs before stepping away and waving his hand in the air. “How fucking quick do you think we’d fall from grace if we became public? Probably best I shove you down some stairs.”Allen fiddles with the collar of his sweater, trying to see if there’s any salvaging the situation. There isn’t. “I'm gonna start wearing fucking turtlenecks.” “Sounds like a waste.”“You're insane.”Kanda shrugs, then gestures in the direction of the door. “Ladies first.”Allen flips him off and sticks his tongue out. “Shouldn't that be you, then? Mr. Long Locks?”Kanda flips him off in return, but says nothing else as Allen runs fingers through his hair before going to leave the bathroom. He makes sure to try and keep his neck covered as much as possible, all the way back to his Civic. 
February, 2002
 
Issue 9 : Hummingbirds
 It's not very romantic, the way it happens.Allen wasn't expecting romance, to be fair. Neither of them are prone to sentimentality, so it isn't like there’s any room for disappointment. And he isn’t disappointed, but it’s still worth noting how unromantic the moment is. It's not like they were even ‘making love,’ as it were - no, Kanda had him face down into the mattress and crying into his pillows and his hands were gripping bruises into Allen’s hips and then Kanda whispered it to him and Allen came so hard he got dizzy. When Kanda collapsed on the bed next to him Allen crawled over, heart fluttering a million miles a minute, and held his face in his hands and kissed his cheeks as he told Kanda he loved him, too. Then he wrote a song about it and then they were crazy enough to release it as a single and then, as a product of their budding fame, Allen was basically dragged into an interview with NME about it. Saying no wasn't really an option to Komui who, stupidly, thought it would be fine if Allen could divert the conversation to promote their upcoming tour. It was never going to happen. What a journalist wants, they tend to get. “So you just released History of Everything , and now you’re out here pushing out singles. You four are quite the busy bunch.”“Well,” Allen laughs nervously, tilting his head in assent. “Best to strike while the iron is hot and all. It’s usually best to take advantage of inspiration or motivation when it hits you.”“Absolutely. And this is new, isn't it? Fans finally get to hear what it's like for Allen Walker to be in love.”Jesus fucking Christ. Right to the heart of things already. “I suppose.”“You keep things pretty private, though, don't you? I don't think anyone has a clue about who this mystery woman is.”Of course they don't. The only woman that he spends any time with is Lenalee, and it's already well-known that she’s dating Lavi. “You said it well enough,” Allen agrees. “I like to keep things private. It's not very fun to have your business on display.”“That sort of comes with fame.”“Sure, but we aren't very famous.”“You're here, aren't you? I know we aren’t The Rolling Stone, but we know who you are. In fact, about two hundred thousand people do, judging from your ticket sales. That's not even accounting for your new album.”“That’s still very new,” he admits. “Two hundred thousand is…a very big number. It’s easy to forget.”“I guess it's scary.”“Very much so. That's a lot of people who are counting on you, and as musicians you want to give them the best you can give. They deserve it.”“They deserve your honesty, too.”“I think you’re more curious than they are,” Allen returns wryly, giving the journalist a wry smile.“You'd be surprised,” they return simply. “In fact, I think there are plenty of female fans very curious about your love life.”They should have released the writing credits under Lavi’s name or something. This is ridiculous. “Maybe so,” he tries pleasantly. “We know a bit from the lyrics, though. It’s called Nightfall - a reference to your lover’s hair. The way it spills across the sheets, specifically. You said so yourself.”Goddamnit, Allen. Stop writing music. No one’s ever scrutinized him like this before, even though some other songs have had allusions to Kanda before. To be fair, they were vague enough that not even Kanda noticed, though. “I did,” he agrees, because there’s no point in attempting to deny it. “And in Night/Day , too. You talked about this same lover, didn't you?”If Allen had been holding something, he would have dropped it. “What?”“In the first verse, you draw parallels between nighttime and a person.”“I meant that in a very general sense,” he lies, and he’s glad he’s a good liar. This he thinks he can save. “ Night feels like a comfort, like consistency, like the way you can rely on someone you trust.” He can save it. He can totally save it. “You’re reading into that a bit much.”“And then in the bridge: Night and Day, like Moons and Suns, different and the same. Gravity feels like comfort, like consistency, like the way you can rely on someone you trust. Like the way you know your night will come and their day will follow.” Alright, this is really weird. “You’re certainly familiar with our music, but I wasn't referencing anyone in particular when I wrote that.”“Hm, and how about that lyric in Innocence ? Back from your first album? The one about running away alone, being found, then running away with the person who found you?”“That was - I wrote that about a nightmare I had once. I've explained that before. There’s a lot I talk about in the song that has nothing to do with me.”“That person that found you also drew parallels with the night.”“Remind me to never write a song with the word ‘night’ in it again,” Allen jokes, but holy shit does he fucking mean it. The journalist laughs with him. “So this isn't all the same lover, then?”“I wrote Innocence when I was eighteen. Of course not.” “It does seem unlikely that you’d be able to hide a woman under your bed this entire time.”“Five years would be a very long time to try to keep up a secret relationship.”“It would be. Unless you weren't with her at the time. Unrequited love, maybe?”Allen sighs, and makes a show of it. “I didn't realize gaining notoriety would mean so many mind games.”The interviewer takes it in stride. “They call it investigative journalism for a reason.”“Guess so.”“You really don't want to tell us about her, then. Is that her decision, or yours?”“It’s ours ,” he stresses, then closes his mouth. “Oh?” The journalist folds their hands together and leans forward with a smile. “So she also doesn't want the limelight then? Is she a celebrity as well?”“I would not call myself a celebrity,” Allen laughs. “You know what I mean, Mr, Walker.” Of course he does, but this is so damn draining. He almost just wants to confess everything so he can get out from under the microscope. But Allen doesn't like to lose. He hates it, in fact, and there’s only one thing he can think of that’ll give him some control back. Stop deflecting, start lying. “Alright, you caught me. Yes, she’s gaining fame as well.”He can only imagine the tizzy Komui and Kanda are in now. “Oh! Is she a musician as well?”Alright, keep it going Allen. The best lies have some truth in them. “She is. She’s fairly well known,” he pauses. “Perhaps not as much as I am at this time, but that’s the way she likes it.”“Same genre?”“Similar enough.”“She's a singer?”“No,” he returns, and then wishes he’d agreed. “She’s a pianist.”There, back on track. And by that he means away from Kanda. “Similar genre, but a pianist?”“Yes. She’s. Well, she’s - it's symphonic metal.”“There’s a few up and coming bands in that genre right now.”“Mmhmm,” he nods, noncommittal. “Do the two of you play duets together?” The journalist chuckles.“Absolutely, all the time.” That's not a lie at all. He and Kanda have made it most of the way through their first album by now - they've been turning each of their songs into acoustic duets. “Any chance for a collaboration?”He inclines his head in a nod. “Most likely.”“I'm guessing we won't get a name today, though.”“Ah, no,” Allen laughs. “No, we promised each other that we wouldn't kiss and tell.”“Do you think it’d cause a problem if you did, though? Lots of musical artists have partners.” “Dolly Parton’s been married to Carl Dean since 1966, and he’s still out of the public eye.”“Fair point,” the journalist nods. “Well, it was worth the shot. As you can imagine, whoever finds out who she is first will be pretty excited.”“That's a very odd thing to hear,” he chuckles, and he thinks maybe he hates interviews. At least the non-music related ones. “Well, maybe you and your girlfriend should discuss it. It might be worth it, you know. Our online forum is full of speculation about you and your guitarist.”Allen is so, so, so glad he’s got a good poker face? “That's just absurd,” Allen waves them off. “We’re talking about Yu Kanda? Fairly certain it’s well known that we barely like each other.”“I don't know,” the journalist idly comments. “Doesn't seem that way on the internet.”Fucking internet! “I suppose people see what they want to see,” he sighs. “Which is a strange enough sentiment in and of itself.” “I can't blame them too much. He seems to fit the bill for each of those songs mentioned, and there are a few snapshots out there that could be misconstrued.” He doesn't know what the hell they mean by that, but he intends to find out. “Anyway,” the journalist continues. “I’ll let you go on that one. Let’s talk a little about this upcoming tour you have.” He wonders just how panicked Komui is right now. 
May, 2002
 “Kicking off at the Regent feels like coming full circle, doesn't it? It was the first big venue we played at, so it seemed obvious to us to start things off here. The History of Everything tour is gonna be the biggest thing we've ever done, and it’s amazing that all of you decided to come spend this time with us.”“Of course they did, Al. Come the fuck on, we have the coolest fucking fans…Ah! And you hear that? Not the least bit humble! I love it.” “You would! Modesty isn't in your vocabulary! You’d - …Hey! A drum solo in the middle of me talking? Lavi, be original. You do that almost every - Kanda, not you too!”“Shut the fuck up, Short-Stack. They aren't here to listen to you fuck around.”“Fine. Alright. I guess they're here to listen to us fuck around. Kick us off, Lena! Show us The Demon in the Mirror !” 
History of Everything (2002)
VortexMemories of YouDarkest BlackOmIn ControlSnowfall in EdinstownOn the RunThis Sinking ShipForty-NineAncient HistoryA Cliché Ending

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

June, 2002
 
Issue 10: Sharks
 “Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday, Dear Kan-da (Yu!)! Happy birthday to you!”“None of you should be singing except Beansprout. Especially you, Alma.”“Aw! Yu! Come on! I came all the way to New York to see you on your birthday!”Kanda lounges in the chair he’s sitting on, sprawled over it without a care in the world. Considering he’s about four different types of inebriated, he probably doesn't. “Yeah, not cool, Yu!” Lavi adds in, pouting. “I do backup vocals! Sometimes!” Kanda points the rim of his beer at Lenalee. “You get a pass.”“Aw,” Lena coos, fluttering her lashes. She sits on the arm of the chair he’s sitting in before attempting to crawl on top of him. Allen doesn't think she's any more sober than Kanda is. “Get the fuck off,” he grumbles, attempting to push her off. Allen leans back on the chair opposite them, idly sipping at his cocktail as he watches. They deserve the break - it’s nice to be holed up in some ritzy New York hotel after six weeks of touring. They’re dog fucking tired. The only rule for the night is to not talk about the tour. They can't talk about the fans that hungrily circled the pathway out of the venue, or the way the bloodthirsty bookkeeper for that same venue attempted to cheat them out of a quarter of the profits; if they talk about music, they talk about music . “Oh, you guys totally missed it!” Alma blurts out, then throws himself onto the couch. “When I was at the casino earlier this chick was totally into me.”“Uh huh,” Lavi snickers, and plops on the couch next to him. “How long did it take her to find out you don't play for her team?”“About three drinks! Then she invited me back to her room and I told her I'd only agree if her boyfriend came, too.”Lavi descends into a fit of laughter, and Allen almost spits alcohol back into his glass. “Classic!”“Then we talked about Sex and the City for like an hour and I felt dirty for being a stereotype. She was dope, though. I got her digits in the end.” Alma stretches out and lays on Lavi’s lap with a big yawn. Knowing him, he’ll fall asleep like that - and knowing Lavi, he’ll refuse to move a muscle so that he doesn't wake Alma up, meaning he’ll also fall asleep like that. Kanda must know this, too. “You fucks can't stay in here. You have your own fuckin' rooms."“How am I supposed to move?! I'll wake the baby!”Alma makes a rather unimpressive show of snoring. “Oh, I’ll make you fuckin' move,” Kanda assured them, and Allen doesn't doubt him. He has seen Kanda physically lift and carry Alma more than once. “You think I give a shit about waking up that dumbass?”Alma snores louder.“Kanda, he’s napping,” Lenalee admonishes, and she nuzzles against his throat. Kanda’s eyebrow twitches. “Be nice to him.”“Yeah, be nice to me!”“I thought you were sleeping,” Allen laughs, and Alma shuts up again. He leans his head against the back of the chair he’s in to look at the ceiling, surveying the details on the small chandelier above them. It’s strange to think that two years ago a place like this wasn't even a realistic thought in their head. He hears shuffling, then his lap is suddenly filled with Lenalee. She hugs him close, as she did to Kanda, and kisses his cheek. “You're thinking very loud.” “Am I now? And here I thought thinking was a rather quiet pastime.” “Not with you!” Lena laughs. “Never is with you. Your thoughts are always loud. I can hear 'em loud as day, most of the time.” “What am I thinking then?”“The same thing we all are,” she returns simply. “This is really fucking weird.”He hums, then goes back to looking at the chandelier. “Pretty sure we had a rule somewhere in there forbidding existentialism from the conversation tonight.”“If not, we do now,” Kanda grumbles, and Allen chuckles. “Kanda’s right, though.” He goes on with a smile. “Why don't we start turning in? It's been a long day for us…Except Alma. Not all of us could get drunk and make friends at the casino.” “Hey!” Alma gasps. “That’s hard work! Don't knock it!”“Uh huh.” “Actually, I hate to say this, but Al’s right. It’s getting late,” Lavi nods, patting Alma’s head, and Kanda growls. “I just fucking told you to get the fuck out and you fought me. Beansprout makes one request and you're out the door?”“Well, Al is my special boy and also he beat the hardest levels in Mario 64 for me, so. I owe him.” Kanda gives a dramatic groan. “Ugh!”Lenalee starts to climb off of him. “Okay, we’re going. You boys get some rest. Don't stay up all night!”Allen rolls his eyes. “Goodnight, Lenalee.”Alma scurries up to Kanda and leans down to kiss the crown of his head, giggling when Kanda swipes at him. “Goodnight, Yu!”“Stop being gross! Leave me alone.”“‘S not gross to give your buddy a little goodnight kiss!” Lavi starts to walk towards Kanda, and Lenalee catches his arm.“I love you and don't want Kanda to beat the shit out of you. Come on! We’re leaving.”Lenalee gives Allen and Kanda a small, sheepish wave before grabbing both Alma and Lavi, and dragging them out of the room, a slight wobble in her step. “Finally,” Kanda sighs, and he seems to melt into the couch. “After a fucking decade, you’d think they know all I fucking want on my birthday is peace and quiet.”Allen chuckles as he stands and walks over to Kanda. “I'm sure they do know.”“That's even worse.”When Allen is close enough, Kanda watches him with unfocused eyes and holds out a hand; Allen dutifully takes it and helps his boyfriend up. He’s always lazy when he's fucked up - it would be weird if Allen didn't know him so well. Kanda tends to favor autonomy over almost anything else, but maybe the inebriation helps him want to rely on others more. It must be tiring to need to stand on your own two feet one hundred percent of the time.“Come on,” Allen smiles, and gently pulls him towards the bed on the other side of the room. “Let's go lie down. You’ll be more comfortable.”“Can't fucking believe Lavi listened to you.”“Well, I guess I'm the carrot and you're the stick.”“What the fuck?”“Nevermind,” Allen laughs, and he sits on the edge of the bed before urging Kanda to do the same. “Happy birthday, Love,” Allen tells him once they’re closer. He leans in close to Kanda and kisses his cheek.  “You, too.”Allen laughs and Kanda grimaces when he realizes what he just said before he crawls on the bed to lie down in the middle and pats the space next to him. After a moment, Kanda slowly follows. “You feeling okay? Think you’ll be good to sleep?”“I better be,” Kanda tells him. “I'm tired as shit.”Allen snuggles in close, and Kanda raises an arm to accommodate the position. “I'll keep watch over you.”Kanda plays with a piece of his hair, breathing slowly. “I…love you.”“I love you, too,” Allen grins. “I like that liquor loosens your tongue. You should tell me that more.”“Hmmm…if I drink any more you’d have to put me in a fucking facility.”“Guess you’ll just have to learn how to be sweet to me without getting wasted then.”“Yeah, yeah.”For a while after this, they lay there. Sometimes Kanda starts to doze, but he wakes up again each time, and they’ll share lazy kisses or quiet words, and Allen thinks that regardless of the possible consequences, he’s glad they pulled their heads out of their asses and got together. “You didn't get me a present,” Kanda murmurs as Allen presses a kiss to his Adam's Apple. Allen moves his hand down Kanda’s side. “I guess I didn't. We've been on the road - haven't thought about it that much. Sorry.”“There’s still time.”Allen picks up on what Kanda’s insinuating almost immediately. “Aw, does someone wanna get fucked? I guess I could try to get it up, but I doubt you could.”“Might as well give it a shot.”Allen laughs as he moves, pushing himself up on admittedly shaky arms before pushing Kanda to lie on his back and climbing onto his hips. “You just like to feel me, don't you?”“Fuck yeah,” Kanda answers, honest. “Touching you in any way is a fucking…it's stellar.”“Sap,” Allen murmurs as he rocks his hips, pressing his ass to Kanda’s dick. “Well then, let’s see what magic we can make.” 
July, 2002
 “I can't believe we finally made it, Babe.”“Oh my god, I know. And this room is gorgeous!”“Only the best for my little Lena-Love!”“You didn't book the rooms!”“You still deserve the best! No matter who’s giving it to you!”“Okay, that's very sweet. Fine. You get a pass.”“Don't I always?”“Lavi...”“Lena, look at this view. You can see the Basilica from here! Did you know construction on it started all the way back in 1882 and they’re still working on it? That's dedication.”“That is impressive. I suppose dedication is sort of the Catholic church’s thing, though.”“Fair. True. Gah! We’re here! We've never even been to Europe and we’re here . To play our music. To people who want to listen .” “It's absolutely insane to think about, yeah. Weird that five years ago we never even thought we’d actually form a band. Not really. Not an actual one. Allen really brought this whole thing together.” “He was pretty convincing! Never met such a charismatic fuck. He was born to be a frontman.”“Or even just a musician.”“For real…hey, Babe?”“What’s up?”“This is really fucking cool. I'm glad I get to do this with you.” “Oh…me, too. Let’s never lose this feeling, okay? No matter how scary or tough this might get.”“I won't, scout’s honor.”
August, 2002
 
Issue 11: Cheetahs
 “We can't fucking go on. Goddamn, look at Allen!”Komui wrings his hands, looking uncomfortable. “We're already here, Kanda.”“Kanda might be right, though,” Lenalee frowns, stepping closer to Allen. In his peripherals, he sees her reach out as if to touch him, but she stops herself. “Allen's not in any condition to perform.”“I can see that,” Komui returns, and his voice is shaky. Lavi taps his foot. “I can go do a two hour drum solo.”“That might be a bit much, even for you,” Lenalee says, voice wry.Kanda leans closer to Allen, pressing their shoulders together, and Allen grabs his hand. “I'm okay,” he exhales, and he feels Kanda stiffen next to him. “I'll be okay. Once I get out there and I’m singing, it'll be fine.”“You aren't fucking okay ,” Kanda hisses. “You’re shaking.”“I'm an adult. I can handle being back in my hometown.” Komui kneels down in front of Allen and takes off his glasses. “Allen, I want to ask you, and be honest with me: can you perform?”There’s a small outrage from his band mates, and Kanda’s grip on his hand grows uncomfortable, but Komui holds up a hand to shush them. “I can,” Allen insists, nodding. A small, fake smile graces his lips. “I sang through the flu once. I just need a minute. Maybe a beer.”“I'm grabbing the beer!” Lavi shouts, and he sprints off. Komui stands with a sigh. “Canceling the show now is only an option if it has to be,” he explains. “If Allen says he can do it, I trust him.” Kanda is decidedly unhappy, which is going to spoil his mood for the foreseeable future. It makes him play better, though, so it’ll be fine. “Whatever shitty thing happens will be your fault,” he spits at Komui. Komui flinches, then looks away. “What do you want me to do, Kanda?”“Cancel the fucking show!”“No…Kanda - my brother is right.”“Fuck you, Lena.”“I'm serious. Allen doesn't want our pity, and he wouldn't be here if he didn't wanna do it. Stop protecting him where he doesn't need it.”Kanda scoffs. “Fine. If everyone is so dead fucking set, we play.”Allen leans back a bit and stares at the ceiling. The dressing room they're in feels stuffy - too small and too lavish. He wants to run, he wants to go back home; he wants to sit in his garage and fuck around with his friends. He wants to laugh and play stupid songs they make up on the spot. But he can't complain. They got lucky. There are tons of musicians way better than them that don't ever get recognized. Their fans care about them, love them. He can do this for them. Allen takes a deep breath and looks Komui right in the eye. “I can sing. I can do it. I promise, I won't fuck up.”Komui smiles at him. “I trust you.”When it's his cue, once his band mates have started playing their intro and he walks on stage to join them, he saddles up behind the microphone with a smile plastered on his face and sings. He sings, and he sings, and he does well, he thinks. His voice doesn't tremble or break, he keeps his energy up, he responds to the crowd - then he sits at the lone white piano to perform Snowfall in Edinstown , and he cries. He doesn't sob, he doesn't stop the song, but he has to restart his lyrics at two different points. Being here, playing piano, it's just all too easy to remember. Too easy to fall back into old feelings, and before he even really thinks about how stupid of an idea it is, he blends Snowfall seemlesly into the lullaby his uncle had written for him. He’s never played it for anyone else. Not even Kanda. It's really only been played in parts, but he does it here, does it now, because he can't stop himself, and when he rolls to a slow ending and looks at the crowd with wet eyelashes, he sees a thousand lighters.In that moment, he hates himself a little bit for even considering complaining about their situation. It’s downright magical to sit here and see a crowd of people looking right at him and feeling with him. Kanda plops down on the piano bench next to him and knocks their shoulders together before situating his guitar on his thigh (acoustic, different from the black Fender he’d brought on stage with him) and finger picks along with his late uncle’s melody. It’s soft, and as unexpected as the rest of what had just happened, and he loves Kanda so goddamn much. He loves him enough that it feels fucking stupid to be so scared of the people in the crowd. When Kanda starts to strum the beginning of Nightfall, an acoustic version they’d made together, Allen knows he agrees, and he stares right at his boyfriend as he plucks away at the piano and they sing together. It sounds better like this, and he thinks it was always meant to be a duet. 
August, 2002
 “So, then you lied.”“Can you blame me?”“Not at all. There aren't many openly homosexual rock stars.”“I hesitate to use the word ‘openly,’ but no, there aren't.”“I suppose it would imply you’d made a public statement about the two of you, at the least.”“That’s what this is, isn't it?”“Yes! And I appreciate you calling me all the way from the U.K. to talk to me about it.”“You seemed very interested during our last interview. Figured I’d give you the pleasure.” “Thank you for that. So, what's your next steps? Do you think your popularity will fall off?” “Absolutely, but we have very cool fans. I'm not letting myself get too terribly worried about it.” “That's very big of you.”“What's the alternative?”“Fair point. So, piggybacking off of the news of you and your guitarist, what was up with that performance? Pretty emotional.”“I have a lot of history in Edinstown.”“You make that pretty clear in your lyrics. There was another song after Snowfall in Edinstown , though. Something as of yet unreleased? It was a different sound than we’ve heard from you before.”“Ah, yes. A lullaby from when I was younger.” “Will we get an official release?”“Probably not, to be honest, but I’ve been considering playing it during our recorded show in Prague. For posterity’s sake.” “I can respect that. It's no wonder you told me before that you like your privacy.”“I have a couple skeletons.”“Very mysterious of you! So, you really don't think things will change much from here on? With the way you do things, at least.”“You mean in relation to Kanda.”“Nothing gets by you!”“Hah, well, it's what I called to talk to you about anyway.”“Will he be upset that you did?”“He was, a little. We discussed it.”“He’s even quieter than you. Think you can convince him to give me a comment or two?”“Doubtful, but I'll try.” “I'm getting a lot of special treatment!”“I guess I'm just in a good mood today! But, to answer your question…no. I doubt things will change much. Might do a few more acoustic duets - that was nice - but that’s all. Don't expect any photo shoots.”“I wasn't until you just said it!”“You’ll be very disappointed.”“I’ll keep an eye out. You've lied to me before!”“You won't let that go, will you?”“Of course not. Why would I?”“ Anyway . You have your big scoop.”“Yes, I do. Thank you. I have a few more questions for you, though. If you don't mind.”“I have a few minutes.”“Great! Let me get my other notebook.”
January, 2003
 
Issue 12: Zebra
 “3, 2, 1! Happy New Year’s!”Allen lifts his champagne glass high, relishing the tiny ‘clink’s that ring out as they toast to the upcoming year. “Okay, what’s y'all's resolutions?! Because mine is still to beat Lavi in Smash!”“You wish, Almito!”“You’ll make me swoon,” Alma sighs, fanning himself wistfully and then downing his glass in one go. “My resolution is to find a way to sneak John Bonham out of the house and burn him in our fire pit out back,” Lenalee offers, nodding as she shoots her champagne as well. “You still haven't forgiven that thing,” Allen laughs, patting her shoulder.“Don't call John Bonham a thing!” Lavi cries out, offensive. “He’s Lena-Love and I's child.”“ Your child,” Lenalee insists. “I don't claim robots.” “You’re all idiots,” Kanda grouses, leaning against the wall. “Still don't know why I waste my time with any of you.”“Because you looooove us,” Alma smiles, and Kanda flips him off. “So, Allen, what's your resolution?” Lenalee asks as she sets down her glass and grabs the bottle to pour herself another. “I haven't really thought of one,” he admits. “Kanda? You?”“I don't fucking do resolutions,” he sneers at Lenalee. “I don't need to. If I wanna do something, I just do it.”“Then you two should make resolutions for each other! Think of it as a challenge.”“Hah!” Kanda barks a laugh, amused. “Yeah, alright. Beansprout, your resolution is to stop spending all your fucking money on food.”Allen gasps. “What I do with my money is my prerogative!”“Yeah, well you’re taking up all of my fucking pantry space!”“You don't use it! You eat like three things and they all have to stay fresh!”“You take up all the fridge space, too!”“Alright, now,” Lenalee laughs, hands moving in a placating gesture. “See, Yu? This is why you shouldn't have moved out to live with Al here. Do you miss me yet?” Alma asks, fluttering his eyelashes.“ Fuck no .” “So, Allen, what's your resolution for Yu?” Lavi asks, snickering. “I bet you’ll have a good one!”“Yeah, sure. Stop recording over my shit on the DVR with The Osbournes.” “Hey, fuck you! I wouldn't have to do that if you didn't have to fucking watch American Idol live!”“We have another TV! We have several in fact! Go watch your show in the bedroom!”“You go watch your shit in there! It’s my house!”“ Alright ,” Lenalee insists again, laughing even harder.“Look at them…they’re so domestic,” Lavi stage whispers to Alma, and Alma cracks up with laughter as if it's the funniest thing he’s ever heard. He and Kanda glare at each for maybe all of three seconds before they deflate and Allen laughs and Kanda…almost laughs. It could almost be considered one.“Fine, I’ll work on what I bring into the house. And I’ll buy a fridge for the garage so I don't hog the one in the kitchen.”Kanda sighs, still smiling. “Watch your damn show in the living room. It’s entertaining as shit anyway.”“Aw! They bounce back so quickly!” Alma coos. “They are in love. The tabloids weren’t kidding! What else are they right about?”“Almost nothing ,” Allen laughs. “It’s a good thing your little journalist friend has some integrity,” Kanda snorts. “Who knows what sort of shit they could misquote in a tabloid. You talk too damn much.”“You know, if you just gave a comment I wouldn't have to speak for us.”“No. Fuck no. That’s your thing. You open your mouth, I play guitar. That's how this works.”Allen rolls his eyes, and walks over to the champagne to pour himself another glass. “Your consistency is one of the many things I love about you,” he returns, drily. “Followed up by your cooperativeness and beautiful way with words.” Kanda sneers at him.“It’s so nice to be reunited,” Alma sighs, slumping against the couch. “I missed you guys! I can't believe you extended your tour! Who does that?”“Well…we did have to stop for like two weeks when Allen got laryngitis,” Lenalee shrugs.“That sucked, oh my god.” Allen drops his face into his hands. “That's never happened to me on tour before.”“And then everyone thought it was because of the news breaking about you and Yu!” Lavi laughs. “So scandalous.”  “It really could have been worse,” Allen comments. “I think it helps that we don't make out on stage.”“Now that I’d buy a ticket for!” Lavi laughs, and Kanda pulls out his hair tie to shoot it at Lavi. It hits him right in the cheek, making him yelp. “You’re too good at that!”“Also at least half of our fan base thinks Kanda’s a girl,” Allen grins, and Kanda pretends to shoot another hair tie at him. “And the other half is in love with him no matter what anyway,” Lenalee nods. “Hey, think we can go to Asia next?” Alma asks, kicking his feet off the edge of the couch lazily.“We? No way in hell are we bringing you on tour.” Kanda snips. “Don't you have a fucking job?”“I mean, not if one of you wants to be my sugar daddy. Or sugar mommy. I'm cool with that, Lena.” “I’ll adopt you!” Lavi offers. “And then you and John Bonham can be brothers.”“Hey, I’ll take it. I'm not that picky. I wanna go to Japan!”“Tokyo does sound cool,” Lenalee nods, thoughtful. “I hear there’s a gnarly underground street racing scene.”“How did you hear that?” Allen asks, appalled. Lenalee just shrugs. “Yu! How's your Japanese?!” Lavi hollers, way too exuberant considering how much he’s had to drink. He should be slumped in the ground by now.Kanda flips him off. “Just as shitty as you remember it.”“Well, if we go to China then Kanda, Lena, and I can be useful!” Alma puts in. “Allen too if we can teach him Mandarin by then! You pick up on languages like crazy, Dude!”“I'll do my best,” he laughs. “Mandarin’s tough.”“Ah, I believe in you,” Alma waves him off. Allen leans back in his seat and nods, feeling warm and comfortable from the alcohol and the company. It's always going to be nice to be able to come back to this, no matter where they are. Whether they end up in China, or Russia, or Columbia, or anywhere else in the world, they can always huddle up in one of their homes and be together. These people will always be a comfort, no matter how much time passes, and no matter how much anything else changes. On their first album, they had a song called Home is Where Your Feet land, and he thinks that’ll always be true. They can be anywhere in the world, and home will be wherever they are together. 
March, 2008
 “No. Not even for a fucking joke, no.”“Aw, come on, Kanda! It's just one song!”“ No. ”“Do it for me. For your loving, doting boyfriend and life partner.”“...Still no.”“Your sweet, precious, talented, smart, handsome -”“Okay! Alright! Fine !” “Yes! I was thinking we jump back onto the scene and release it as a single! Lena and Lavi are both already on board.”“Of fucking course they are.”“I can't believe I’m about to say the coolest six words ever: we’re getting the band back together !” “We didn't go anywhere.”“You are no fun, you know that? Absolute fucking spoilsport. I mean that we’re going to release a new single after two years of silence.”“We went silent because we were fucking tired. Thought we agreed on that.”“Maybe I'm not tired anymore.”“You know you can't do this every time you wake up and think you can rule the fucking world, right?”“Shush. Do you wanna make a comeback or not?”“Not into this fucking bullshit. I don't do this emo shit.”“Love, you did emo before they called it emo.”“The music. It’s whiny.”“It's perfect, because you whine a lot. Right now, for fucking instance. Now, come on, we’re meeting Lena and Lavi at the studio. Ah! I haven't said that in so long!” “Don't your fucking knees hurt? Why are you jumping around like that?”“I’m twenty eight years old. Why the hell would my knees hurt?”“My knees hurt.”“You're cute. It’s because you're ancient.”“I'm only three years older than you!”“Three in dog years.”“Oh what the fuck ever. Are we really leaving now? You're not fucking with me?”“The only fucking I'll do with you is in the bedroom. Yes we’re leaving now. I knew you'd say yes.”“Pfft. Only in the bedroom. Sure.”“Shut up ! Let’s go! If we’re lucky maybe we can get My Chemical Romance to collab with us!”“Fuck no! Allen! No! Get that idea out of your head right now! Stop running off, Jesus! Allen!”

Singles:

Nightfall (2002)

Coffee: No Sugar, One Cream (2003)

Roses have Thorns (1999)

Judgment (1998)

Circus (1998