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A few spontaneous moments were nothing between friends. They couldn't be allowed to be anything. Arthur knew this, and he was certain Merlin knew it too. Arthur was going to marry a woman, and he was going to make his father proud. These were two things he saw as inscrutably necessary. They loved each other and knew that, but that would have to be put aside.That being said, all of the reasoning and self restraint in the world had not stopped Arthur from pining desperately over his serving boy. For years, he had been convinced that he had a more level head on his shoulders than most men. The way he felt about women came from a place of necessity rather than desire, and he lacked the passion and heat that drove most men to make fools of themselves. He secretly believed himself to be rather superior to them. That was until he started to pay more attention to how he felt about Merlin, and he experienced what he had witnessed in his friends tenfold.It hit him suddenly, like a tonne of bricks, one day when they were hunting together. Well, that's a generous way of putting it. Arthur was hunting, and Merlin was making a complete prat of himself, as per usual. Merlin had tripped over a log and landed face first in the mud, smearing his face with dirt in the process. Arthur had smacked him round the back of the head and cursed him, before helping him wipe his face. There was a moment in the closeness, when they locked eyes, and Arthur suddenly knew. He knew this was what he had been missing all these years. He felt it all spin into dizzying focus, and he'd had to sit down, claiming the heat had brought on a headache.Now, he could not stop thinking of Merlin. They didn't touch each other often - maybe once a month, but Arthur looked forward to it with such an all consuming need that he was, at one point, certain that he'd been enchanted. He hadn't, but experiencing this all for the first time alone was disorienting and quite frankly seemed entirely unfair, especially because Merlin seemed almost completely unbothered by it all. Merlin had told him he loved him, of course, but their friendship was a strong bond. For all Arthur knew, Merlin was like this with all of the knights. Some of them certainly looked at him the same way Arthur was sure he looked at him, and he had walked in on Merlin and Gwaine. Gwaine. Maybe Gwaine could help Arthur.It was nearing yule again when Arthur finally resolved to achieve some enlightenment through Gwaine. There was a point when Arthur would have laughed in the face of asking Gwaine for advice over love, and he knew he would not have done so if he was not so desperate. He cornered him after training one of the days, and tried his best to be casual about the whole thing, although he knew his nervous disposition was physically manifesting."Gwaine! You fought well today." He clamped a hand on his shoulder with an artificially wide grin as he brought Gwaine in slightly, lowering his voice. "I have a private matter I wish to discuss with you."An eyebrow shot up at that. "A private matter?""Yes. It involves... sensitive details.""Listen, if you've got some kind of infection you should really see Gaius about that. I'm no expert.""That's not- What?""Some of the men at the tavern have had a pretty nasty rash, and I'm not judging-""Gwaine. No. I did not catch a rash from a tavern boy.""Alright alright! I wouldn't tell anyone if you did, though.""This is about Merlin.""Ah. Has he got a rash?""No! Gods! Will you just listen for a second?"Gwaine's face was plastered with an aggravating smile. "Of course, princess. I'm listening.""Have you ever been in love?""I'm not in love with Merlin, if that's what you're asking. We're just good friends.""That's not what I'm asking. How would you... know?""Isn't it supposed to be one of those intuitive things?""I suppose." Arthur let out a sigh. "I knew this would be no help."There was a moment of silence as the realisation of the implications of Arthur's line of questioning set in. "Are you in love with Merlin?" Gwaine exclaimed.In a panic, Arthur pressed his hand over Gwaine's mouth. "Keep your voice down! Do you want the whole of Camelot to hear about it?"Gwaine tried to respond, but his voice was too muffled by Arthur's hand to be intelligible. Arthr withdrew his hand."Are you in love with Merlin?" Gwaine repeated, much quieter this time."That's none of your concern.""It is my concern if you're asking me for advice about it."Arthur pinched the bridge of his nose. "I just can't stop thinking about him.""Well, what's the problem? He feels the same.""Does he? Has he said that?""He doesn't exactly need to say it, Arthur. His devotion to you is almost embarrassingly obvious sometimes." Gwaine laughed, patting his shoulder. "Maybe you two should just communicate better.""Well we talked about it a bit. I suppose. Not really." Arthur sighed and brought a gloved hand to his face to pinch the bridge of his nose. "I'd just appreciate some clarification."Arthur turned the conversation over in his brain for several long days afterwards, and he was aware his distraction was impacting his work, but this was not a matter he could afford to take lightly. If he admitted the seriousness of what he felt for Merlin, the impact it would have on everything would be irreversible. Still, after much deliberation, Arthur decided he was going to lay all of his cards on the table with Merlin. He set a time aside in his head for when he planned to do this, and all seemed to be going to plan, until his world was suddenly, without warning, turned entirely upside down.Uther Pendragon died.---The halls of Camelot lay still and quiet, far too serene for Merlin's liking. The usual hustle and bustle had been subdued and those people he did encounter on his way to Arthur's chambers were not talkative. Even Gaius had nothing to say that morning, as they went about their breakfast with a solemnity reserved for the most terrible of occasions. This was, of course, the most terrible of occasions. It was not that Merlin anticipated levity on the day of a funeral, but he hadn't suspected things would be quite this melancholic. Uther Pendragon had become a tyrant at the end, and even those lacking sympathy for magic could see it, but mourning still came.Merlin did not bother to knock as he pushed open the door to Arthur's chambers. Predictably, the prince - king, was already awake. He was laid on his back, eyes open as he gazed up at the ceiling. Since Uther's death, Arthur had withdrawn into himself in such a manner as Merlin had not even known possible. The husk of the man Merlin knew to be Arthur Pendragon lay rotting in his bed most days, and today was no exception. He did not turn his face to the door as Merlin entered.Merlin set to work preparing Arthur's clothes and drawing him a bath, and as soon as everything was ready he looked to Arthur, whose only subsequent movement had been blinking.The warlock cleared his throat. "Sire?"There came no response."Your highness?"Still, there came no response."Arthur." Merlin said more firmly."I heard you the first time." Arthur grumbled, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand and sitting up. "What is it?""You need to get ready." Merlin crossed the room the way one might approach a wild animal. This was probably the best course of action; in his mourning, Arthur's boyish temper had deepened into a dark storminess that, for all Merlin would never anounce it, likened him to Uther. "We haven't got much time and you can't be late.""Must I go? Surely there are more pressing matters of state to attend to.""Arthur, it's your father's funeral.""Thank you, Merlin. I needed a reminder."Merlin could have come up with a retort and normally, even if he bit his tongue, his head would have been swimming with things to say. Not now, though. No. He could not stand to see the pain in Arthur's face, and he was certainly not going to do anything to further upset him. So, he pleaded. "...Arthur. It's one day and then you don't have to worry about it. Your father would have wanted you to be there."Arthur's face contorted with anger as he rose from the bed. He stepped towards Merlin. "My father? My father?! My father would have wanted me to be a more competent king! My father would have wanted me to focus on the kingdom instead of moping about over his death! My father would have been ashamed of how I've been acting! My father would scorn me for a thousand different reasons right now. I doubt not attending his funeral is going to be anything more than a drop in the ocean of reasons he would be disappointed in his predecessor." Seemingly deflated now, he slumped back onto the bed, sitting with his head in his hands.To that, Merlin said nothing. He wordlessly sat on the edge of the bed next to him, resting a hand on his shoulder.The sobs that wreaked Arthur's body were great and heaving, and as relentlessly unforgiving as the ocean in a storm. He all but collapsed into Merlin's touch, and drew his hands away from his face to wrap around the warlock's waist, burying his face in his shoulder as he clung to him."I've got you." Merlin's voice, softer than usual, cut through the cries as he tentatively hugged the king back. "Your father would be proud of you for so many things, and there are great things to come in your future that will bring pride on all of Camelot. I am proud of you."This did not at all quiet Arthur, and if anything only further dissolved his emotional state. Merlin said nothing more. It was quite some time before either of them moved, even after Arthur had stopped crying he remained, like a man in a shipwreck clinging to the flotsam. They were going to be late, but Merlin opted not to press the issue.When Arthur finally peeled himself away and stood, shakily, and crossed to the bath. He dipped his fingers in the water and flinched. "Cold." He muttered, then scooped up a handful and splashed his face. "Alright. I suppose I ought to get dressed."---The funeral of Uther Pendragon came and went, and for some time the new king found himself overwrought with grief, but, in time, the pain was dulled by distance, and Arthur learnt how to breathe normally again. This was in no small part thanks to Merlin, and although they never spoke of it, Arthur knew that Merlin had seen him at his lowest moments. For all that the past few months of mourning had brought him, he wagered that one of the worst things was how far his feelings for Merlin had been pushed out of priority. Of course, he still cared for Merlin, but he could not think for the grief, and that irritated him. Years of not being able to make sense of things and just when he was finally starting to understand, a thick, dark fog descended on his world, clouding his brain.Arthur Pendragon had been veritably swimming in his depression since Uther's death, and he had resigned himself to the grave of his bed in mimicry of his father's plight. Things had started to become easier, though, and on one of the days when he managed to make the journey from his bed to his bathtub, he decided it was time for him to get out of the castle. He needed to go on a hunt. Merlin was, of course, more than enthusiastic, and insisted that he make the arrangements immediately. It was before Arthur had the chance to ask him to stay for a while that Merlin had already hurried off.Two hours and a change of clothes later, and Merlin and Arthur found themselves alone in the forest outside of Camelot. Merlin had packed a lunch and was buzzing with an excitement that made it noticeably difficult for him to stay still at all.Despite his reservations (which still remained), Arthur was glad to be outside. The hum of nature was comforting, and the weather was crisp but pleasant as winter was beginning to thaw. The two kept a comfortable silence, something that had become habit since Uther's death, but Arthur decided today was as good a day as any to break it. Their usual long mocking spiels had dissolved into nothing but speech for the sake of utility, and although Arthur knew Merlin refrained from insulting him so as not to worsen his condition, it pained him. He wanted nothing more than to be called a clotpole. His thoughts were interrupted by Merlin tripping over a root, and he seized his opportunity with vivacity."You really are the most clumsy fool I've ever had the misfortune of meeting." Arthur laughed.For a moment, Merlin was taken aback, and Arthur feared he had been unintentionally cruel, then a smile spread across Merlin's face. "I think having a big brain must throw off my balance. I don't suppose you'd know anything about that.""Make all the excuses you want, you're still an absolute prat.""Takes one to know one."The ice truly was thawing. The day continued much like this, and though at first their conversation was a little stiff, the rustiness did not last long, and by the time they returned to the castle for dinner, Arthur was smiling more than he had maybe ever, and Merlin's face reflected that same shine.They dined together that evening, and spoke as usual.As Merlin stood to leave, Arthur grabbed his wrist. "Merlin." The man looked at Arthur, and for a moment Arthur almost accused him of sorcery because of the way his heart lept unnaturally into his throat. His breath caught as he met Merlin's gaze, something that he had not done for far too long. It took Arthur a moment to realise he was staring. "Thank you.""For what?""For today. I had fun.""Well, good. That's what I'm here for." Merlin's gaze softened as he smiled, patting Arthur's shoulder reassuringly.Arthur nodded. "Now get some rest."---"-I think I may have mixed up a poltus that could make Arthur feel more energetic." Gaius spooned porridge into Merlin's bowl."I don't think this can be cured with poltuses, Gaius. If the illness was anything like the things we normally deal with, I would have found a cure by now. It's been months.""I understand, but I really think this mew mix will do it.""It won't. The only thing that will do it is time and patience. He's in mourning, Gaius. His father died, this is a natural reaction to have.""It's been months. I fear that this state is caused by some sort of curse. Morgana's sorcery grows more powerful by the day, but if we find out what it is we can break the enchantment.""We have this conversation almost every day now, Gaius. It's not sorcery, he needs a different kind of help. He's been doing better, Gaius, he really has."Gaius sighed, finally relenting and starting to eat his own porridge. "I hope you're right Merlin.""I hope so too." Merlin's solemnity for the past few months had shaken Gaius slightly. He had adopted a seriousness that he reserved for Arthur, and it had been months since Gaius had seen Merlin genuinely smile. It concerned him, but this morning, Merlin flashed him a slightly nervous smile and Gaius knew things were at last getting better.---Over the next few weeks, Merlin slowly breathed life into Arthur again, and by the time it reached ostara, Arthur was able to attend the celebrations. The hall that had been silent and untouched since Arthur's coronation now exuded light and joy.There was much merriment to make up for, and Arthur drank his fair share of wine, and made the most of the feast. Merlin hung back slightly, keeping an eye on the goings on, but mostly revelling in Arthur's return to himself. It would be a lie to say that Merlin did not also have his fair share of wine. It was, after all, the first time he had been able to cut loose in quite some time.By the time the celebrations drew to a close, both men were sufficiently tipsy, and found their way to Arthur's room laughing and joking all the way. "-no seriously, you have the body strength of raw dough.""I'm far more dangerous than you give me credit for. I could easily beat you in a fight."Arthur, of course, took that as a challenge, and tackled Merlin onto the bed. Taken by surprise and, of course, unable to use his magic for fear of discovery, all Merlin could do was laugh heartily as they fell against the mattress together, Arthur propping himself up on top. "Point proven. I win.""Only because I let you, clotpole.""Careful or I'll teach you how knights really fight." Arthur flashed a grin, patting Merlin's cheek as a gesture of comradery and moving off of Merlin to lie next to him. "I'll go gentle on you. Wouldn't want to have to deal with George whilst you heal a broken arm. He's deathly boring.""Oh, wow, how considerate of you.""I do try.""You try to be a cabbage head more like." Merlin scoffed.Arthur very suddenly propped himself up, clasped the back of Merlin's head, pulled him in, and kissed him. There was not much thought involved in the movements, but Arthur had missed this so dearly, and he was so glad to have Merlin properly back that he didn't think he needed to think things through. Although taken by surprise, Merlin did kiss back, one of his hands reaching up around Arthur's waist to pull him in closer.The arm that was propping Arthur up gave way and he fell onto Merlin, abruptly breaking the kiss and smacking their faces together. "Fuck." Arthur raised a hand to his now bleeding nose. "Ow." He rolled off of Merlin.Merlin sat up, looking over at Arthur. "Sit up. Pinch your nose just above your nostrils and tilt your head forwards." Arthur did as instructed. "Does it hurt?" He nodded in response. Merlin stood up and before he could protest, left the room.Of course, it was sensible to assume that Merlin was going to gather something from the physician's room for his bleeding nose, but the new king found himself suddenly struck by fear at the thought that he had done something wrong. It had been months since he and Merlin had done anything more than hug every once in a while, and even before that it wasn't like it was ever regular. It was a few times. It meant more than that to Arthur, of course it did, how could it not? And he had been certain at the time it meant more than that to Merlin, but maybe he was misremembering. Maybe for Merlin it was a one - or closer to five - time thing, and now he had found someone else,
someone better than Arthur. So many people loved Merlin. It couldn't be hard for him to find someone who wasn't a complete mess all of the time.This train of thought was abruptly interrupted by Merlin reentering the room. In a moment, he was pressing a cloth filled with ice to Arthur's nose. Arthur flinched away from the sudden cold and Merlin rolled his eyes. "It'll numb your nose.""I like some warning before people shove ice in my face, Merlin." He took the ice from Merlin, holding it to his own face."Is it still bleeding?""Not much.""Good."Arthur mumbled a practically inaudible apology."What was that?""I said I'm sorry.""It's alright. Your idiocy makes for good physician's practice sometimes, and a nosebleed isn't too difficult to fix, as long as it's not broken.""That's not what I'm sorry about. I'm sorry for- well, I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable.""Well, you didn't." Merlin brought out a cloth, wiping the blood from Arthur's face."I didn't?" Arthur's breath hitched at the proximity. They had been this close a thousand times, but it still brought his heart rate up."No. You didn't." Merlin looked into his eyes for a moment before leaning in and, incredibly softly, kissing his cheek. "You should probably be careful if you plan on training tomorrow, or your nose might start bleeding again." Merlin placed his hand over Arthur's, lifting it so that the ice pack was lifted and he could see underneath. "It doesn't look broken." He took the ice from Arthur and placed it on the side table, raising the hand to his nose and pressing gently. "Does that still hurt?"There was a sharp intake of breath from Arthur at the pressure and unexpected pain. "Yes. Not too bad though.""Good. It might bruise for a few days, but you should be alright. If that changes, you should see Gaius."Arthur nodded. "Thank you, Merlin.""It's getting late. You ought to sleep." The sorceror leaned away, smiling thinly at Arthur and patting his shoulder."Wait." Arthur's voice came out far weaker than he had meant it to. He was the king and had no problem being commanding, but for some reason, moments like this brought out an intense vulnerability in him. It scared him slightly. "Stay." He spoke slightly more steadily now.Merlin had the decency to not make fun of Arthur's moment of weakness, and instead he leaned in and, in an instant, their lips were locked together. Arthur found himself pulling Merlin to sit on his lap, hands holding him close. Merlin let himself melt into the touch. It had been so long since they had held each other in a positive light, and the desperation was palpable. Arthur's hands carefully explored over Merlin's back, toying with the hem of his shirt and the waistline of his trousers. "Do you want me to take these off?" Merlin spoke almost in a whisper. There was almost a reverence to the situation that he was not inclined to break.Arthur's voice failed him and he instead nodded. Merlin slowly took his shirt and trousers off, and whilst he did so Arthur removed his own clothes. It had been so long, and Merlin was just as beautifully awkward as ever. Arthur couldn't keep the smile off of his face as he pulled him back in, kissing him again. Before long, both of them were fully naked and pressed against each other, lips locked in desperation. Merlin laid on the bed and pulled Arthur on top of him, hands roaming the expanse of his bare skin. Arthur could not grab the vial of oil kept by his bedside quick enough, and he dropped it more than once as he hurried.He held onto Merlin's hips as he gradually eased himself in, and let out a long, low groan of relief. He moved his hips, thrusting slowly at first, and gradually picking up the pace until they settled into a steady rythm. As he moved, Arthur leaned in to kiss Merlin's lips, his neck, his chest. His Merlin. Merlin Merlin Merlin. "I love you." He exhaled breathily. "I love you. I love you. I love you." He repeated himself more insistently, almost obsessed with the way the words fell off of his tongue.One of Merlin's hands tangled itself in Arthur's hair and, with a stupid grin on his stupid face, he said: "I love you too." Gods he was an idiot.Once, one of the knights he knew had been struck by lightning. The way they described that experience did not compare to what Arthur felt now, the electrifying intimacy of being with Merlin in this way. Arthur's movements became sloppy and desperate as he drew himself closer to finishing, and then he was over the edge, and he was saying Merlin's name over and over.Merlin held him, kissing Arthur roughly as he felt the tension melt out of his muscles. Merlin, on the other hand, was not done yet, and whilst he wasn't about to ruin the moment, Arthur noticed, and wasted no time in pulling out and moving down so that his head was level with Merlin's crotch.In theory, he knew exactly how this worked (he'd heard enough talk about these sorts of things from Gwaine and the other knights that he knew the details), but actually performing an act like this was dauning. Nonetheless, he was not known for his cowardice, and he took Merlin into his mouth slowly, keeping his eyes trained on Merlin's face for signs of approval or disapproval. Merlin's face showed only signs of approval.Merlin was not entirely expecting the sudden sensation, and it caused him to gasp out and grasp at the bedsheets. "Fuck, Arthur!" He yelled out in surprise.Arthur pulled off quickly, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. "Sorry.""No, no, don't apologise. Just wasn't expecting it." Merlin breathed heavily, running a hand through his hair and propping himself up on an elbow to look at Arthur properly. "Fuck, please keep going." Merlin's hand once again tangled itself in Arthur's hair and Arthur took him into his mouth again, and gripped on tightly as Arthur began to move his mouth. It did not take much to send Merlin over the edge, and he made a noise that Arthur thought was the most beautiful thing he had ever heard. Arthur swallowed, and pulled off, crawling back up to lie with Merlin.Merlin let his elbow give way and fell to lie on the bed, staring at the ceiling as he caught his breath. Arthur's head found its way onto his chest, and within minutes Arthur was already asleep. Rather than moving and risking disturbing Arthur, Merlin made sure the king was asleep before whispering an incantation that cleaned them both up and pulled a blanket over them both.---The next morning, there came a frantic knocking on Arthur's door. Arthur sprung out of bed, without fully remembering that Merlin was asleep, unclothed, in his bed. He pulled on a pair of trousers and opened the door to find Gaius standing there, wringing his hands. Gaius began to crane his neck around Arthur to look further into the room, and Arthur suddenly, all at once became very aware of the naked man in his bed. He stepped out of his room and quickly shut the door behind him, now standing in the corridor with the old man. "Gaius. Is this important?""It's Merlin, sire. He didn't come back last night. That isn't like him."Arthur snorted, hoping that he was adequeately concealing his nervousness. "Who knows where that useless prat is? Probably spent all night in the tavern again. You know Merlin.""Hmm." Gaius did not seem as convinced as Arthur had hoped he would be. "He hasn't been here this morning?""No. No of course not. If he'd have done his job and woken me up I would have been dressed to greet you, but evidently-" he gestured to the fact he was only wearing trousers "-I am not."Gaius seemed to take that as a satisfactory answer, and was just about to turn and leave when there came a loud clattering from within Arthur's quarters. Curse that clumsy prat. "What was that?""Nothing.""Do you have someone in there?""Nope.""You know, what you and Guinevere get up to is none of my business, sire, but I'd rather you didn't lie to me."Before Arthur had a chance to formulate a response, the door swung open, and a clothed Merlin stood there. He was evidently shocked to see Gaius, but played it off with a smile. "Sorry. Spent last night in the tavern. Was just helping Arthur get dressed."Gaius clearly knew now that at least one of them was lying, but he had absolutely no idea what there was for Merlin to conceal from him but not from Arthur. He felt a little wounded at the prospect of Merlin lying to him, and could not conceive of a reason why he would need to. "Hmph." He turned away from them. "Your breakfast's going cold. Come on." He then hobbled off down the corridor.As soon as Gaius had turned the corner, Merlin felt a smack on the back of his head. "Oi! What's that for?""I told him I hadn't seen you this morning. Now he knows we were lying. Gods, what'll he think?"Merlin's eyes widened slightly. "Oh. Right. I'd better go, um, sort that out then." He almost tripped over his own feet in his haste to follow after Gaius."I suppose I'll just get myself dressed and fed then?" Arthur called after Merlin, but he was already long gone.Gaius sat at the table in solemn quietude whilst Merlin shoveled his breakfast into his mouth, and only broke the silence when Merlin had finished his food. "Now, are you going to tell me where you really were last night?"Merlin almost choked on the sip of drink he had just taken."Were you and Arthur out together? If it's something magical I can help you, and there's no need to sneak around about it. Although, Merlin, how nobody's discovered your magic yet is a mystery to me, given how terribly you kept this secret from me.""We weren't out together. Gaius, there's nothing to tell you about.""Well there clearly is otherwise you wouldn't have lied!""Gaius. It's not important.""If it's not important then why can't I know?""We were sleeping together!" Merlin finally yelled, surprised at the words coming out of his mouth.Gaius was silent for a moment. "You were... sharing a bed?""Please don't make me spell it out." Merlin groaned in embarrassment.For a moment, Gaius was as motionless as a statue, then he just nodded. "I shan't tell anyone. You'd do well not to either. Not everyone would approve.""I know, Gaius.""...and Merlin?""Yes?""Thank you for telling me. I can't say I entirely know what you see in Arthur, but I approve." Gaius gently rested a hand on Merlin's, smiling fondly at him.Merlin's smile back was tentative, but
genuine and grateful. "Thank you."---The next few days passed uneventfully, and Merlin and Arthur did not explicitly discuss anything, but Arthur's mood was much improved. It was a week later when, after a quiet evening meal in his chambers, Arthur looked over at Merlin (who was absent mindedly bustling about, folding clothes), and felt suddenly compelled to tell him everything that had been concerning him. "Merlin." He called out, before really thinking."Hmm?"Arthur's mouth suddenly went dry in fear. This was stupid. He didn't need to talk to Merlin about this, surely the unsaid was enough."Arthur?" Merlin whipped around, evidently concerned by the lack of reply. "What is it?" He was on the lookout for a threat, but upon seeing no immediate danger, he visibly relaxed."I've been thinking-""Careful! You might do yourself an injury if you keep that up."Arthur could not contain his sarcasm as he rolled his eyes. "Ha ha. I've been thinking about marriage.""Are you thinking of proposing to Gwen?""No.""...right. Some other woman then?""No.""Ah.""I don't think I can marry.""Oh. Why's that?"It took Arthur a few minutes to properly compose himself and stomach an answer. The words that came out of his mouth were thick and clumsy, and it took every ounce of strength to force the difficult syllables out, but he was the king now, and such a position constituted bravery. And better display of bravery than vulnerability? He was sure his father would disagree. He did not care. His father would disagree with most of his decisions nowadays. "Because if I can't marry you then there's nobody I want to marry."For all his usual composure, Merlin seemed to be genuinely taken aback by that statement. Arthur did not want to give him time to respond, to say the wrong thing and make the moment of vulnerability dissipate, and all of a sudden, everything that he had been deserately avoiding tumbled out and was laid bare before them."I care about you, Merlin. I know we could never be together in the way that I could be together with a woman, but no woman has ever made me feel this way. And it drives me insane, because you're a clumsy prat and my manservant and you're my best friend. I don't want to ruin that - George is insufferable - and if I lost you I would lose a part of myself with you."Merlin was quiet for long enough that he could see Arthur become nervous. He turned the words over in his mind. Of course, he felt the same way, how could he not? But Arthur did not love every part of Merlin, because Arthur did not know every part of Merlin. Arthur loved the clumsy manservant he met, not the great sorceror Merlin actually was. Merlin had hoped that when Arthur finally found out about his magic it would be calm, and it would be planned. He had not got any sort of set speech or explanation prepared, but Merlin knew that he could not live with himself if he continued lying to Arthur after all of this. Arthur, who would give up the Pendragon line to be with Merlin. Arthur, who would disregard his father's rules to be with Merlin. Arthur, who was the king, but also the boy who laid his head on Merlin's chest, the boy who Merlin had seen sob so desperately. No, he could not lie to Arthur."Merlin?" Arthur ventured tentatively, evidently slightly disturbed by the tensely contemplative silence Merlin had assumed."Arthur I'm a sorceror."For the second time, Arthur Pendragon's entire world came crashing down around him.