Work Text
SCROOGE
Author’s note: i wrote dis while sickIt was Christmas Eve and Ebenezer Scrooge was grumbling at his desk stabbing at his papers. “Bitches better pay up.” He grumbled. Bob Cratchit nervously looked over and blew out his candle then walked over to his boss’s desk. “Mr. Scrooge, might I be able to leave early?”Scrooge farted and glared at him. “BITCH. WHAT.”Bob shook and continued. “It’s Christmas Eve, sir! Might I also take my pay for the day?”Scrooge growled pulled out a single Shilling and flung it onto Bob’s face. “BAH-FUCKITY-HUMBUG!!!!”Bob picked up the coin and ran outside to find his children.“Golly gee, dad! We made a couple of shillings!”“Jeez whiz, kids! We’re going to have a feast tonight!” Suddenly behind him Scrooge was breathing heavily and angrily. “Uh… sir?”The kids spoke. “Tiny Tim is dying!”“God bless us… “ coughed the gravely ill child.Scrooge picked up Tiny Tim and kicked him onto oncoming horse traffic. “GO TO FUCKING HELL!!!!” The horse and carriage it was pulling violently exploded. Tiny Tim died. Bob’s jaw dropped.“SIR! MR. EBENEZER SCROOGE! THAT WAS MY SON!”“YOU’RE FUCK WELCOME! FREE FUCKING ABORTION!” Scrooge dunked his hand into Bob’s pocket to snatch some shillings out “THIS IS FOR THE ABORTION PAYMENT.”“JESUS CHRIST! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" He paused for a moment. "Wait... but you said it was free.”Scrooge turned around and lifted both his middle fingers up into the air as he walked along the sidewalk. He started agressively screaming “TELL ME! TELL ME! TELL ME! TELL ME!” repeatedly on and off scaring people that walked by him.Suddenly he spotted his nephew walking by. “OH FUCK NO.” He kicked down a cart full of flowers and hid in it.“HEY!” Shouted the seller. “WHAT THE HELL, MAN?”“TELL ME!!” Responded Scrooge accidentally revealing his whereabouts. “Uncle Scrooge!” Smiled his nephew. “So happy to see you here!!”Scrooge growled as he climbed out the cart. “What do you want?”“Want to go to my Christmas party?”“No.”“Oh okay.”Scrooge went back home barking “TELL ME!” Along the way. Suddenly he paused. “Wait... where the fuck is my dog?”Meanwhile back at home he was in his pajamas stabbing at his fireplace. “Die, die.”Suddenly a ghost popped out. Scrooge scowled and glared at it. “BITCH. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?”“It is I, Jacob Marley. Wow. Here I am.”Scrooge shot the finger at him. Jacob also shot the finger. “Ha ha I have missed you.”“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?”“Three bitches will be visiting you tonight telling you to stop it.”“OH HELL FUCK NO.”“It’s so you won’t end up like me, lulz.”Scrooge slapped him. “Ouch.”They awkwardly stood there staring at each other.“You… got any crackers?” “Yeah in the fridge. Knock yourself out.”Hours passed and The Ghost of Christmas Past showed up at the door.“WELL HOWDY DOO, MR. SCROOGE!” They said. “WE’RE GONNA SEE YOUR PAST!!”Scrooge pulled out a knife and flung it at them. “DIE.”The Ghost was startled and left.“Btich.”The Ghost of Christmas Present entered. “HEY YO SUP DAWG LIKE COMMENT AND SUBSCRIBE WE GONNA——“ He was instantly greeted with a cleaver flung next to his shoulder to which he made a u-turn and exited.Jacob Marley walked back in eating potato chips and dropped the bag. “EBENEZER! WHAT THE FUCK!”“FUCK UP!”“At least let the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come visit you!”Scrooge growled and then crossed his arms. “FINE!”The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come suddenly plopped in through the fireplace burning their butt and ran screaming in the living room.Scrooge went over with a broom and began slapping the ghost’s butt to put out the fire. “GAWD DAMN IT, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?”“I was going to enter the proper way but the others warned me of your knife throwing... and so I entered through the fireplace.” Jocob Marley gasped. “Wow, the final ghost always NEVER talks. You must be really fucked up in the ass, Ebenezer.”Scrooge shot the finger at him.“And this ghost doesn’t seem to have a personality.”“Ouch.” Said the ghost as it got up. “I need to take you to the future to show you what happens to you.”Scrooge sighed. “Let’s get this over with.”A portal opened up and the two walked through.“Could I come?” Asked Jacob.The portal shut.“Fuck… time to rummage through Scrooge’s wallet.”The two arrived in the future. “Okay, what happens?”The ghost pointed its finger over to a group of people celebrating. He walked closer and saw they were cheering over his death and dancing upon his coffin.“OH YOU FUCKS!” He screeched. “Yeah… I mean you flat-out murdered a child and made everyone’s life hell. You need to stop it.”Scrooge boiled with rage and exploded. “FUCK THAT SHIT! I’M GOING TO EXPERIMENT WITH CHEMICALS TO MAKE MYSELF FLY AND SHOOT LASERS OUT MY EYES!”“OH… OH… oh no, Scrooge please don’t do that. I forgot... that you can change the future to horrid ways.”“HORRID? NO! I’LL BE KING AND IMMORTAL! ALL WILL BOW DOWN TO ME.”“Oh fuck... what have we done.”“I WIL BE GAWD!! I WILL BUILD ROBOTS! I WILL TAKE OVER THE EARTH."The ghost began to internally sob feeling he failed his mission and then returned Scrooge back to his bed. He sat up and looked out the window seeing a person sweeping up the snow. “HEY ASSHOLE!!” Shouted Scrooge, “WHAT FUCKING DAY IS IT?”“It’s… Christmas?”Scrooge tossed out a bucket full of excrement at the man.“JESUS WHAT THE HELL, SIR!”Scrooge laughed manically and pulled out a giant flame thrower. “IT’S SCROOGING TIME!!” He ran out his house and began firing his flame thrower at everyone and everything.Scrooge had a happy day and everybody died! He never found his dog and then went into a crisis thinking maybe... he never had a dog.
Who was dog?
THE END.