Work Text
Los Angeles
“ When you’re old your memory can fade, everything that happened, all your experiences can disappear, leaving you without a past. But maybe, just maybe, sometimes there are things you can hold into, there’s the hope that all the bad and good memories won’t go away, not completely.
And for me this hope is a photograph.
It’s one of the most precious thing I own and honestly I don’t mind if people look at it like it’s just a piece of paper, because well it is , but for me, for me it means the world. It’s my way to hold into the most important thing in my life, it’s my way not to forget” Sidney July 1963
My father wasn’t the most sensible person ever, he didn’t like to share his feelings and he barely showed any kind of affection to me and my siblings, but he wasn’t a bad man.
Sometimes he would just come back from a long journey and shut himself in his room without saying a word or a single “hello”. I could tell my mum wasn’t happy, I knew she was suffering by his side, but she would always shake it off with a “ He’s tired honey” , but I knew there was something more, something they didn’t tell us, but I wasn’t allowed to know, like I shouldn’t care about my family’s business, like I was a stranger who had nothing to do with these things. But I couldn’t tell them I didn’t like it, I didn’t like to have to act like the perfect son, always in his place, I couldn’t tell them that sometimes I wanted to do something more, to properly talk with them, but it wasn’t my role. I had to be what people expected from me. A good student, quiet and obedient son, always doing what mum and dad asked.
But sometimes he would feel guilty, I didn’t know for what, but when he did things were different. He came back home full of gifts for me, my little brother sister, but especially always with 13 roses for my mother. And everytime he did, my mum died a little more inside. She knew what that meant, but she had her role to follow too, so never my mum ever said anything about it, even when it was too much and she cried for hours in the kitchen, a bottle of wine in her hands
And this was one of those days.
After 3 weeks away, my beloved father was finally home. A new doll for Lauren, one of those metal house robot for Harry and the usual roses for my mother.
When he got closer to me, a fake smile on his face, I was so tempted to tell him everything, to tell him he couldn’t buy our silence with toys, that he couldn’t destroy my mother that way, but I didn’t. How could I do it?
So when he handed me my gift, I just took it as a corrupted person does with a criminal, who is afraid of. Because that was it , we were all afraid of him.
“You don’t open it, Ashton?” my father stated firmly. I swiftly moved my hand to unwrap the paper around it as he looked at me seriously, not a single emotion showing.
As my eyes landed on the little camera in my hands, I could feel my heart race in my chest. Photography was my biggest passion. I was so fascinated by it. The idea of frozing a moment forever was so incredible and unreal.
I turned it in my hands slowly just to prevent any damage. It was an Italian one, the design so elegant and classic. I only read about these new cameras, how I had wanted to have it, or at least to see one, and now that it was mine, it was in my hand I couldn’t believe it.
It was my favorite gift ever.
“You like it?” my father asked as my siblings got closer to see what it was.
“Yes father, it’s amazing really, thank you sir” I answered trying to get it away from Harry and Lauren’s little and incautious hands.
“I’m glad” he said nodding softly “ I know you like those damn things, but now that you have one I expect from you higher marks at school. Photography is just a pointless passion, Ashton, remember it. School will take you far, got me?” I smiled and said a weak “yeas” as my eyes watered.
Stupid passion, that was how he called without knowing how much I loved it, how much I needed it in my life.
I walked away swiftly before he could catch me crying, running to my room. I closed the door and threw myself on my bed. I shouldn’t be crying, I got what I craved for months, but his world were so harsh. He always wanted more from me, even when I was giving my best. I was already the best student in the whole school, but it wasn’t enough, it never was. The only thing he knew how to do was bringing me down, destroying all my dreams and passion.
“Honey?” I heard my mum say after a short knock on my door. ”Can I come in?” She asked sweetly.
“Of course mother” I said wiping my eyes and sitting properly on my bed. She entered my room quietly and sat next to me brushing my hair with a sad look on her face.
“You shouldn’t cry, you got what you wanted that’s all that matter, isn’t it?” my mother said smiling and wiping my still teary eyes.
“Yeah mum, you’re right.. It’s fine” I tried to convince her, but she knew me too well.
“ You’re my amazing son, Ashy. I’m proud of you, got me? Your passion isn’t stupid” she finally said giving me a long hug and leaving me in my room alone again.
**************************************************************************
I liked my birthday. It was one of my favorite days. When I was little my mum would always take me somewhere special, like from my tenth birthday when we went to the lake.
I didn’t even expect gifts, I just wanted to spend my whole day with my mum alone somewhere only we knew, especially after my siblings’ birth, when I had to learn how to share her attention and love with someone new.
Since my first birthday my dad wasn’t there. It was like he did it on purpose. He always had a job to do somewhere and never showed up. With Harry and Lauren was better though and that made me happy. He was a slightly better father for them.
But this year was different. He was here and I didn’t know what to expect. It wasn’t something special just a family dinner, but It still scared me. Anything could happen.
I was sitting between the youngest members of my family as my father talked about something I was minding listening to.
“So Ashton have you decided what to do after highschool? You know this is you seventeenth birthday, I expect you to take your own decision as a man now..you’ll start your last year”
My mum gave me an apologetically look as I smiled to her, before turning to face my father.
“ I will, sir. I still haven’t chosen, but maybe I could something regarding arts or-“ I couldn’t even have the time to finish before he slammed his fist on the table making everyone shiver.
“Arts? How many times do I have to tell you arts will take you anywhere, Ashotn?! I won’t let anyone make fun of me, one of the most richest person in this stupid twon, because of a son like you, got me? “ he screamed loudly as I nodded scared.
“I was kind to you, I gave you the chance to choose what to do with your life, but no you have to make me regret it! I talked with a friend of mine, you’ll study medicine and that’s all” he stated.
No one could say anything back. Even if I didn’t want to, my future was in his hands and I couldn’t do anything about it.
As soon as the dinner ended I rushed to my room and went to bed waiting for my mum to come and give me the usual goodnight. When she got in I smiled, but instead of just give me a kiss like usual, she sat next to me. “Close your eyes, hands out” she stated as I did how she told me.
Suddenly I felt something in my hand, I opened my eyes immediately and saw what I recognized as a roll for my camera.
“Mum, I can even, I-“ she shook her head and gave me a long chaste kiss.
“Now you can take all the pictures you want.. Happy birthday my love”
*******************************************A few minutes away from my home there was a little wood and in the middle of it a little lake, where I could swim. It was my favorite place in the world , always so quiet and calm, a place where I could make up my mind.
As always I sat by water and took my shoes off letting my feet feel the cold water. I took my camera in my head and tried to find something beautiful enough for my first picture ever.
“I think it’s too dark to take a picture, you should come back when the sun is up, not at midnight” Someone said suddenly said behind me, scaring me to death. I turned around to see a human shape standing a few feet away. I couldn’t see the face, because of the darkness and that scared me a bit. It could be whoever.
“Yeah you’re right” I answered trying to see him better.. “Maybe you could come a bit closer, so I could see you”.
He laughed a bit at my words, but did as I asked.
As soon as the moonlight hit his face, the first thing I thought was how handsome the stranger in front of me was.
He was perfect. From the blonde hair styled perfectly to his blue piercing eyes. His was tall and I really thin, nothing about seemed wrong.
He sat next to me by the water looking at me curiously.
“You like what you see? “ He asked making me blush hardly.
“What? No, what are you trying to say?”
Well he wasn’t wrong, I was gay. But it was something I had to keep for me, no one had to one.
“Nothing, just kidding” he said before winking at me. “So what is someone like you doing here? Don’t you know it’s not a good place?”
I scoffed loudly at his words.
Someone like you. Not a good place, what the hell.
“Someone like me?” I asked raising my eyebrows. He looked at me smiling and nodded.
“Yeah like you..a rich, spoilt kid” he said sure of himself, like he knew me, like he had any right to call that.
“You don’t know me, you can’t-“
“Oh c’mon” he scoffed “ your clothes are a clear message and that camera how much did it cost? Did your daddy buy it for you” he mocked as he stood up leaving me speechless.
“Now since bad people like me come here you better leave”
I sadly did as he told me leaving that stranger behind me. I didn’t care. It was my place, not his. He couldn’t treat me like that. I was the first to find it, at least I thought.
I marched swiftly through the trees as the lake seemed always closer.
I sat in my usual place and waited. And waited, and waited again.
I don’t know how many hours passed by, but I wanted to meet the blonde again, just to make him understand I wasn’t just a rich kid.
“I think you didn’t get the message yesterday” finally his voice echoed in my ears.
“Oh I did” I said without turning to face him “ I just decided to give a damn about what you said”
He sat next to me and looked at me in disbelief “ Ouch you cursed, how would mama and dad take it’”
“Ok you know what ? You have to stop! You don’t anything about me and you have any ri-“
“Then tell me” he took me off of guard as I looked surprised.
“You want to know about me?” he nodded lightly and smiled.
“Oh.. what you want to know?” I asked suddenly losing the ability of introducing myself.
“What’s your name?”
“Ashton”
“Age? “
“17” he nodded and thought a bit before talking again.
“Favorite food’” he said chuckling a bit.
“Oh that’s difficult…I really don’t know”
“Ok then biggest passion?”
“I love photography” I said without thinking a minute. “Cool, well I figured since you had that camera with you yesterday” he added.
“Biggest fear dear Ashton?”
“Don’t you think it’s a bit personal?” I said glaring at him. He shook his head and stood up, giving me his hand to do the same.
“No actually..I think we should get personal here or it will be boring don’t you think?”
I wasn’t sure if I could trust the still stranger in front of me, but something about the way he looked at me made me sure, made me feel like I knew, made me feel like I was with the right person somehow.
“My biggest fear is living the life I don’t want to “ he looked at me, but didn’t say anything.
“I’m afraid to stay alone for the rest of my life” he added then. We both stood there in silence for a few minutes, the only sound around us the night bird flying around.
“By the way I’m Luke” he finally said grabbing my hand and shaking it firmly. “and before you ask I’m 20, my favorite food is pizza, I think and music”
“You’re like a musician?” I asked as we both started heading to the wood again. “Kind, yeah”
“I gotta go now, lil kiddo” he said leaning in and giving e me a kiss on my forehead. I blushed hard as I tried to find my words to say something.
“I’ll see you again tomorrow I guess”.
The only thing I could do was nodding eagerly as he left me there still red.
******************
September 1963Luke was amazing, he truly was. There wasn’t anything I didn’t like about him. In these two months he was next to me everything was better. Not to be cheese, but that’s was the truth. My father could say anything and I wouldn’t care, because my only thought during the whole day was meeting him, being with him. The most fascinating thing about Luke was his life. The blonde was living how he wanted to. There was no one, who told me what he had to do or how to live, he was free.
He didn’t have a father who told me arts were stupid, he didn’t have someone who destroyed his dream. He completely lived because of it. Luke was a musician playing songs through the crowed streets of Sidney. I liked him, I truly did. I could stare at him the whole night. The way he talked, laughed everything was so precious and perfect to me. It didn’t seem wrong. For once my feeling towards another boy didn’t seem like a sin.Tonight was special, he had a surprise for me apparently. So I walked fastly and waited in my usual place, that now became ours.
The moon was already high in the sky when two strong arms hugged me from behind making me giggle loud.
“Goodnight curly” Luke said nuzzling his nose in the crock of my neck and leaving a kiss there.
“Hi Luke” I answered when he let me go. I turned around and smiled when he did the same.
“Are you ready for the surprise? “ he asked. I screamed a loud yes making him laugh. “Let’s go then”. We walked for almost a hour when we reached what I knew was the “bad” part of the city, at least that’s how my parents called it.
“This is my home” he announced when we found ourselves in front of a high building.
He swiftly took me inside as we ran on the stairs.
Luke’s place was small, but it felt like home. His clothes were everywhere, but I didn’t mind. His smell was all over the place and in that moment I wished I could stay forever here.
“You can sit.. do you want something?” he asked disappearing in the kitchen as I sat on the couch.
“No I’m fine” I said when he came back with two beers in his hand. “Too late” he laughed sitting next to me.
“Are you planning on getting me drunk?” I asked as he winked at me. “Maybe” he answered making me roll my eyes. I took a slip just not to look like a completely loser, when the strong taste hit me making me groan in disgust.
“Thanks god I don’t really want to get you drunk or by now I would be screw” he stated looking at me amusingly. “Ok listen I took you here, because I want you to meet someone” he added standing up and disappearing again in another room.
God he had a boyfriend already, or worse a girlfriend. I could I even think someone like him could lik-
“Curly this is my daughter Nova” he said with when he appeared again with a little girl in his arms. I could tell the baby girl was just a few months old. She was so tiny and sweet I couldn’t help but stare like an idiot. She looked like an angel.
But then it hit him. A daughter. He had sex with a girl. He was straight.
“Where’s the mother?” I asked trying to hold my tears back. I felt like a complete idiot.
“She’s not here” Luke stated sitting again next to me. “Oh I’m sorry for your loss” I said sadly.
“She’s not death Ash” he laughed making Nova move lightly in his arms. “I’ll explain to you” he took a deep breath and started talking again.
“Her name was Lena. She lived with me and her boyfriend. They were both actors and when he got Lena pregnant he just left. She was destroyed and blamed her baby for that. Fortunately I was there. I helped her through all the pregnancy and she seemed happy, but I was wrong.” He said playing with Nova’s hair.
“When she was born, Lena didn’t want to know anything about her. Two days after her birth, Lena left. She wrote me a letter, where she asked me sorry and to take care of her like she was mine. So I did. These three months were difficult, but I love this tiny little girl with all my heart and I wanted you to meet her, cause you’re important too Ash” he ended. I looked at him, but didn’t know what to say. I let my feelings drove as I leaned in and left a kiss on lips. He immediately leaned back making me froze in place.
“I’m sorry, please don’t tell anyone..i don’t know why I did-“
“Ash it’s fine. I want to kiss you too, god you don’t know how much I want it, but I got Nova in my arms. Let me take her back in her room and then I’ll come back to you” he said making me nod.
He wanted to kiss me. He liked.
As soon as Luke was back on the sofa he didn’t waste any time. He put his hand on my check and leaned in. Our lips were so close, I could feel his breath on me, but before closing the little gap between us, he told me something I’d never forget.
“I don’t think you’re a spoilt, rich kid. Never I have. I mean you’re rich, it’s true, but Ashton you are different. You trapped in this life, that’s too thin for you. And I am sorry I can’t give you what you want, but I promise one day you and I will be free”
And with that two soft lips were on mine. I actually didn’t know what to do, it was my first real kiss, but it felt so perfect.
Our lips moved in sync as my hand slipped in Luke’s hair pulling him closer. He bite my bottom lip, making me moan. As soon as I did it he let his tongue touching mine in a sensual way, that made shiver. He pushed me on his legs as I straddled his hips. Our body touched as our tongues roamed together. Before he could put his hands on me, we heard someone cry. He leaned back and looked at me apologetically.
“I’m sorry, gotta take this” he said giving me a last peck on the lips, before running to Nova. I laid on the couch, passing my finger on my swollen lips.
Luke was amazing and he kissed me. The most amazing guy in the world kissed me.
With that thought in my mind I slowly drifted asleep on the uncomfortable couch of the messy house in the suburbs of my city. And it was fine that way.
***********************
October 1963Luke and I started seeing each other even during the day. We spent entire days playing with Nova in his house, that was now our secret shelter. No one could destroy our little happiness. We were enough. It’s like we lived in our private and safe bubble, no one could destroy.
But if I only saw it coming.
I was spending the night at Luke’s like in the past weeks. I had to wake up at 5 o’clock, just to be sure my family would find it out.
I was getting dressed, when the imagine in front of me got directly to my heart.
Luke was on the bed, a peaceful expression on his face, as his arms were tight around the little girl. Nova’s short hair were on the blonde’s chest. It seemed like they were both sleeping at the same heartbeat.
I swiftly moved around the room, trying to be quiet, as I looked for my camera. I had to froze this moment forever.
When I found it, I went back to my previous position and took the picture. The noise made Luke open his eyes and smile at me fondly.
“You have to go?” he asked, letting a kiss on the baby’s head.
“Yup” I answered sadly getting closer to him. I sat on the side of the bed and leaned in giving a chaste kiss to the both of us.
“You’ll come back, later won’t you?” he asked. “ Of course babe”
I gave one last kiss to Luke, before standing up and leaving.
I felt so empty without them. I was so used to their company that even a few hours without them were too much. When I got home, I quietly walked to my room, but something was wrong. My parents’ door was open and it wasn’t usual. I was about to go look the reason why, when I heard someone pulled my hear and dragged me back to the living room.
“Good morning Ashton” my father said leaving me on the floor. He strongly kicked me in my stomach as my breath stopped in my chest. I automatically hugged myself as the man kept kicking me.
“Who do you think you are, mm?” He screamed “ You fucking think you can go around and be a fag without me knowing it?” he said.
“You fucking twat! You disgust me! “ he added as he kept hitting me in any way he could.
“I should kill you” my so called father said through gritted teeth.
“Suddenly I heard my mum screaming. I couldn’t really understand what they were saying, but I was glad my mum was trying to help me.
“Shut up you fucking whore!”
I felt someone pull me up. I looked into his eye, in the eyes of the man who raised me, and what I saw scared me. He was completely mad, I could see the anger in his eyes. I didn’t know what he could do to me.
“You’re gonna leave, ok? I’ll send you in another country! We’ll they straight you up again, fucking faggot”
He took me from my arm and dragged me to my room. Before leaving my dad kicked on last time and I passed out.
When I woke up the sun was up in the sky. Everything around me was silent, so I guessed no one was in at home anymore.
I tried to move, but I couldn’t feel my body, it was like I couldn’t control it.
“Ashton” I heard my mum whisper. I turned around and looked at the woman. She had a big bruise on her cheek, that made me shiver.
“I’m sorry mum, it’s my fault” she hugged me tightly and caressed me like when I was younger.
“No, honey. Don’t say it! It’s not ok?” she kept repeating to me.
“Ashton listen, you have to leave..You can’t stay here anymore..you need a better life”
I shook my head and started crying as my mother did the same.
“I won’t let you here alone, mum”
“We’ll be fine,honey..please before he comes back go!”
My mother was right. I couldn’t live that life, I couldn’t go on like that for the rest of my life.
My mum helped me get up and walked me to the front door.
“Are you sure mum?” She nodded lightly and hugged me for what seemed forever.
“I love Ashton. I hope for you the best. Go to that boy, be happy. I hope I’ll see you again.”
“Say bye to Harry and Lauren from me..I’ll come back mum” And with that I left the most important people of my life to be truly happy.
**************
“Luke! Luke!” I knocked on the door loudly.
After a few minutes he finally opened the door. “Asht-“
I didn’t let him finish and I hugged him immediately. He pulled me closer and kissed me.
“ What happened to you? Who did this to you?” he asked frenetically looking at me with teary eyes.
I just shrugged and took him inside.
“It’s not important now” I said when we got to his bedroom.
“I just wanna lay with you” I then added.
Luke hugged me again, but this time started kissing me. He first touched my sore eyes with his lips and then moved two my cut lip.
“Does it hurt ?” I shook my head and deepened the kiss. His hands roamed my body, touching every bruise with extremely sweetness.
“Make love to me” I whispered as Luke lips touched my chest.
He looked at me and stood again in front of me. His blue eyes connected deeply with mine.
“Are you sure ?”
“Yes, make love to me Luke” I confirmed. The blonde kissed me again, but this time more tenderly.
He made me sat on the bed and then hit the sheets with my back. “Nova?”
“Sleeping, don’t worry”
He began to kiss me again leaving marks all over my body. He took my clothes off before his.
Ii was perfect, laying there our naked body together, everything felt amazing. Although what happened, although what I lost.
It was all perfect from first kiss to the moment our body connected together.
Luke moved slowly making me moan loudly as I felt every inch of him inside me.
“Ash” Luke moaned even louder than me, making me shiver underneath him.
“You feel so good, curly” he added trusting hard inside me and hitting a particular spot, that made my mind numb.
“Luke, god” I half screamed as he kept touching that spot.
His eyes were locked with mine as we made love not just with our bodies, but with our souls. And when we laid there together, both smiling and whispering sweet nothing to each other, I knew everything was going to be ok. Because with Luke I wasn’t scared anymore, I wasn’t afraid of living my life like I wanted. I wasn’t scared of living my passion, I wasn’t scared of being myself.
We were happy and we lived happily together, even when I was miles away from home , even when life hit hard on us, because we were together and as Luke promised we were free.
*******************Los Angeles 2015
“So today in front of all of you, my family and friends, I want to tell you how much this photo still means to me. It reminds me about my life, about how lucky I was to meet Luke Hemmings, the man who today I can finally call my husband.
Luke since the day I met you, I knew you were the right person, the one. And I don’t regret anything. You saved me from an unhappy life. You taught me how to be free and live as I wanted to. Without you I wouldn’t be a photographer now and without you I wouldn’t have an amazing daughter. You and Nova were, are and always will be my happily ever after. “
All the room cheered up as Luke and I kissed for the first time as a married couple. I looked in his blue eyes and it felt like the first time all over again, because no matter the years, no matter what happens
This love will always feel like freedom to me.