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Sometimes i wish i knew what it would feel like to be human
To be one of them
To belong
Sometimes i wish i knew how they would treat me if i knew all the right things to say, to do
If i wore the right colors
If i wasnt haunted by my past
Would they think i belong?
Would they accept me?
I know ive made so many mistakes
Havent i worked out just a few of them?
Havent i changed just a bit?
The marks on me refuse to let me let go of my past
In some twisted way ive created more marks in attempt to get rid of those already there
I have to take work to keep myself sane
While others can meander around in life with a mind i long to achieve one day
The marks ive given others by lashing out
I dont know how to make amends
Draco Malfoy closed his journal, cursing as it slammed shut slightly too loud for the hour. The eighth year of Hogwarts was turning out exactly as he thought it would be. In others words, shit. It was difficult for all of the Slytherins to come back since the whole of school thought if them as vile disgusting death eaters but the hexes in the corridors, the muttering that other houses didnt even bother silencing when Slytherins drove near- that was what bothered Draco most. He flinched thinking about the time in Herbology just yesterday. The cut a Hufflepuff gave him using a ‘misplaced’ severing charm still stung. Professor Sprout had barely reprimanded the girl, muttering a halfhearted ‘well dont do it again’ when she explained that she was ‘trying to collect stalks of amberroot’ and it was entirely an accident.
It was not an accident.
Everyone knew that.
It was worse for Draco. Everyone knew that too. Which i deserved he thought bitterly, ignoring the slight twitch his dark mark gave. I had been a death eater. I deserve anything and everything bad coming to me. I deserve to pay for what ive done to those people.
Draco stumbled out of bed and peered into the ornate mirror covered with serphents, making sure his appearance was impeccable. If his life was in shreds he had to have some semblance of control over it. Otherwise hed go completely insane. As if i hadnt already he thought wryly.
The cut still stung. Knowing there was no way in hell he could fall asleep tonight he got up, intending to borrow some essence of dittany from Pansy. She had a stash of medical supplies, much needed by the attacks towards the Slytherins lately. He went down to the shared common room of the eighth years, hoping not to see any other houses members in there. He hated the new ‘inter house unity’ shit that McGonagall preached about. It just didnt work, having all the eighth years situated in the same common room just made things uncomfortable. Not to mention Draco couldnt sit with his friends in there, theyd get glowers from any other person.
He couldnt really blame them for hating him though. He hated himself too, as much as he didnt like to admit it. Draco didnt have any more time to mull over himself any longer as he spotted the dark head of Pansy sitting on a beanbag near the fire , flipping through what looked like a journal of her own.
‘Pansy why are you here?’ he said, worried. ‘Go to your bedroom, its dangerous. Someone can come down.’
He took a step closer, seeing as she obviously didnt hear him. ‘Pansy i-‘
The head of thick black hair turned revealing someone who was not in any way Pansy. Draco hissed a took a long step back, drawing his wand out of reflex. ‘Potter.’
The young man seemed just as startled as he was, closing the notebook quickly. ‘Malfoy. What dyou want this time? Your people lost. You dont need to bother me anymore or did you forget?’
Draco sneered, hoping that the flash of hurt he felt didnt show. ‘I was going to the girls dormitory to Pansy. Not like i have to justify myself to you.’
‘You cant go into the girls dormitory. It turns into a slide.’ Harry said bluntly.
‘I have my ways.’ he smirked to himself, thinking of all the times he, Blaise, and Pansy would go into her dorm room and get high. Times were simpler then. Apparently Potter had a filthy mind as he blushed slightly.
‘Thats disgusting Malfoy. Go think about shagging your girlfriend somewhere else.’ he said.
‘Im not.. ‘ his voice trailed off. What was he even doing here talking to the bloody git? ‘Fuck off Potter.’
Harry frowned. ‘Pansy is probably sleeping now. Its in middle of night. Why are you even awake?’
He was right, Draco thought. ‘I said fuck off. Why are you even talking to me?’ preparing to swish away he turned around. Essence of dittany can wait.
‘Malfoy!’ Harry said, unthinking.
Draco turned back, drawing his wand again.
‘Seriously you can put your wand away.’ Potter muttered. ‘Whats on your hand, youre bleeding pretty hard?’
‘Its not a second dark mark Potter. I didnt get re-initiated. You and your whole damn crew are safe now remember? For the third time today. Fuck. Off. Nobody needs your goddamn hero complex anymore. The whole wizarding world is safe’ Draco spat, venomous. ‘so you can stop having your bloody head in my ass all the time.’
This time he really did leave. Up in his dormitory he paced back and forth til the morning, reflecting bitterly.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Im tired
I hurt all over
Being false to myself so i can be nice to another is bullshit
Fuck being nice
If im the chosen one why cant i do my own choosings?
Harry closed his journal with a sigh, exhaustion written all over his face. Malfoy had disturbed his usual writing time and by extension the rest of his night. Not like he even got much sleep anymore. The nightmares were enough for him to avoid sleep as much as he could.
Since the war the pictures of the empty bodies on the floor of the Great Hall were embedded in his brain. At nighttime it was worse, his nightmares of tears running down the eyes of everyone that he knew, silently asking him why he hadnt done more for them. Reminding him of his failures. Reminding them of those who had died in the battle that he had failed to protect.
Ron and Hermione didnt understand of course. Besides for that they were all over each other now that they were together, it was like Harry didnt exist anymore. There was nobody to confide in. Thats why McGonagall gave him a journal and instructed him to write at least a few lines once a day. It was helping, he supposed. He just wished it would help a little faster.
Vaguely he looked at his watch. ‘oh shit’ he muttered. It was breakfast and he was late. Again. Not like it even mattered, what would they do? Kick out the famous Harry Potter? Not unless they wanted to face massive public backlash.
Harry walked to the dining hall, dragging his feet. Once he came in he stayed by the entrance a bit.
‘Harry, hi! Come sit near me Rons being a git as usual.’ Hermione called.
Ron sputtered at the statement. ‘I just wanted to know if you could help with my History of Magic essay! i didnt finish it yet-‘
‘Didnt start it-‘ she corrected him.
‘Okay, didnt start it. But please help me’ Ron groaned theatrically. ‘ill fail otherwise.’
Hermione shook her head, a smile reluctantly sliding up her face. ‘Youre so damn lucky i love you Ronald Bilius Weasley.’
Ron turned towards Harry. ‘Mate what happened? You didnt tell Hermione and me to stop being up each others asses the way you usually do.’
He let the comment slide. ‘Malfoys up to something.’ he said.
Ron and Hermione gave each other a side glance, one that Harry irritably noted.
‘Harry- dont you think we finished with the war? Malfoy doesnt really look like hes up to something. Maybe youre just-‘ Hermione started.
‘Just what?’ Harry said, face starting to heat up. ‘Just being paranoid? Dont try to deny you were gonna say that. Dont give each other your fucking couple looks again either. If you want to say something say it out loud you fucking lot! I know shit you dont know and who was right in sixth year? You? Or the one youre calling paranoid right now?’
Ron moved protectively to his girlfriend. ‘Dont yell at her.’ he snarled. ‘Its not our fault youve gone mental.’
Harry blanched, shocked. ‘i went through a war. I died in the war and came back to fucking life. I killed Voldemort and youre saying im mental? WHO THE FUCK WOULDNT GO MENTAL FROM THAT?’ Harry took a deep breath, aware that half the hall was now staring at him. ‘Forget about it.’ he mumbled and walked quickly out of the room.
Ron bit his lip as though holding back more words and nodded briefly, Hermione pinching his knee.
Harry continued walking out to the common room. He had to catch his breath and calm down, not caring if hed miss a class or two. At the common room he picked up his journal and began to write a bit more.
I wish people knew what im going through
Nobody does
Not my best friends
Not my ex girlfriend
Its not easy being the one people look up to
When really i was just a sheep brought up to be slaughtered.
He thought back to when Voldemort touched him for the first time. The memory even brought him biting his lip in pain. Exhausted, he slumped back onto his bed and fell asleep. It was almost nighttime when Ron came into their room and mistakenly woke him up.
‘Oh shit. Look mate i wanted to say im sorry. What i said was mental i shouldnt have called you shit and stuff you know?’ he shifted his weight to one side then the other, obviously uncomfortable.
Harry looked at him with blank eyes. ‘Oh. Er its okay dont worry.’ hes probably right anyways. I am mental. Why should i hide it? Harry thought.
‘Okay good’ Ron smiled awkwardly. ‘Mate once were good do you mind.. Hermione and me wanted to use our room?’
Harry stared, not comprehending.
‘You know, to-‘ he made an obscene gesture, flushing slightly.
‘Sure i guess.’ Harry said. He got up and put his journal in his bookbag. ‘You should use her room next time. And dont touch my bed after.’
‘I cant go up the girls bloody stairs!’ Ron called.
‘Draco can you should ask him.’ muttered Harry. He sat down at the fire in the common room, staring into it. Of course Ron apologised he thought, he wanted to shag Hermione. He wasnt sorry.
It must have been a few hours later when Harry finally ventured back into his room. He didnt sleep the whole night, just staring at the ceiling.
Maybe they were right.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
I feel guilty
Is it bad to crush on someone so close to you?
Hes not mine
So why do i love him so much
Im embarrassed
I should be strong
But im just a child in my head
Draco Malfoy didnt go to lessons that day. He went to visit Theo instead. While some might have considered Theo to be an unsavory dick, Draco knew him as anything but. To add to that- Theodore Nott was his first crush. He had owled an invitation to visit a couple months back, Draco had not gone then. After the whole collision with Potter the other night however Draco owled back that he would be arriving early morning.
The second Draco floo’ed into Theos house he knew that something had changed. Smiling rather nervously, Theo opened his mouth to greet him but was instantly interrupted by a girl around Dracos age.
‘So who are you?’ she drawled, linking her arm around that of Theos.
Dracos heart leaped into his chest. Who the fuck was this girl, stealing his man? He glanced into his friends eyes surreptitiously, hoping his fear wasnt a truth. But it was only confirmed. His friend was head over heels for a witch.
Realising he was expected to answer, he opened his mouth to speak.
Theo didnt wait for him to answer. ‘This is my friend Draco Malfoy, we were friends since-‘
‘Oh. So thats the ex death eater, kinda hot. Im Astoria Greengrass, Theos- wait what are we again love?’ she batted her eyelashes, smirking at his obvious rage and humiliation.
‘Uh-‘ Theo couldnt finish the sentence, leading the two of them up to the room. The girl tapped him on his shoulder, murmuring something into his ear that Draco couldnt quite catch. Turning, Theo flushed. ’Astoria wants to get to know you for a half hour or so. Alone. I think ill go then.’
Draco glared, giving a tight lipped nod.
In Theos bedroom Astoria bounced down onto the bed not ungracefully. He finally got his tongue back, giving her his best Malfoy sneer. ‘What do you want?’
She looked at him appraisingly, taking in his slender but toned body. ‘You.’ she finally answered.
Draco felt disturbed and slightly nauseated. ‘Youre fucking nasty.’ he said.
Astoria smirked, not bothering getting up from the bed. ‘Whats the problem? Theo wants to save himself for marriage. He told me youre coming over today so i figured why not have some fun? Apparently he doesnt mind.’
He stared at her, mouth agape. ‘I mind, or does my opinion not count on this?’
‘Of course your opinion matters!’ she said, looking shocked. ‘You have a choice! Staying here and having fun with me is the better choice, obviously. But if you want you can leave. Ill just tell your friends at Hogwarts what a little faggot you are instead.’
Blood rushed to Dracos head making him feel faint. ‘I dont know what you mean.’
‘Of course you do. Theo told me all about it. I dont mind faggots but Hogwarts might. Doesnt everyone hate you already? Imagine how theyd react to this. And your family wont be too happy either.’
He sat down, head spinning.
‘I think that means yes.’ Astoria said. She pushed him down against the bed.
Draco grabbed his wand and held it out. ‘Take one step closer. I dare you.’
‘So you made a choice. Thats on you!’ she called out.
He didnt hear her as he floo’ed to the fireplace in Pansys room, feeling eternally grateful that Blaise was up there too. Bile rose in his throat and he took a few calming breaths.
‘Dray are you alright?’ Blaise frowned, sensing he was freaking out.
‘Draco! What happened love? Arent you supposed to be at Nott still?’ Pansy hugged him, squeezing him slightly too tight for comfort.
‘No. Never going there again.’ his eyes smoldered with rage.
His two friends looked at each other, obviously confused. Pansy broke the silence. ‘Spill. What happened?’
Weighing his options he decided to tell his friends. The rest of the school would know soon anyways, he thought. ‘Nott has a girlfriend, she was a bitch, so shes telling everyone im gay.’ he tried to laugh, insinuating how ludicrous the idea was. Draco Malfoy, gay? Never.
Blaise frowned. ‘Thats bad. We got to shut her up somehow. Hogwarts isnt exactly nice to you now anyways already.’
Nodding, Pansy agreed. ‘Whats the girlfriends name? I can try to mess her up or scare her.’
‘Astoria Greengrass, i think.‘ his voice trailing off, Draco tilted his head confused at his friends. ‘Why arent you surprised that im gay?’
They both burst into laughter. ‘Have you seen yourself?’ she said as Blaise nodded, calmed down but still smirking.
‘Mate it was obvious. The way you dress and your obvious crush on Harry Potter, every other second complaining and lusting over that bloody bastard. If we didnt know by now wed be really slow.’
‘I do not have a crush on him!’ Draco protested indignantly. ‘I hate Potter with his eyes and messy hair. He should cut it.’ he added as an afterthought.
Pansy smirked. ‘You think he’s cute.’
‘You think the Longbottom boy is cute.’ he wrinkled his nose with disgust.
‘No because he is! Not like Harry level cute- Draco dont look at me like that im allowed to say Potter is cute too- but hes cute enough.’
Blaise looked at both of them bemused. He could never understand how people could settle down in school but that was okay. They were his friends and he loved them both.
The three friends eventually fell asleep in Pansys room, forgetting the threat to Draco. At least they had some sleep for the events that would come tomorrow.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
I feel worthless
I might just be unable to help
I couldnt sleep last night
Again
Im keeping myself up again
I cant let myself sleep
It feels like torture
Maybe thats why i do it to myself
I cant hold on anymore
Harry Potter woke with a headache. He would have normally ignored it, but he didnt want to go to classes again. He could tell anybody who asked where he was that he went to the hospital wing, so it wasnt a big deal to skip. Madam Pomfrey would be okay with it. Probably, he thought wryly. It all depended on her mood. Stretching out of bed he put his robes on and headed out.
He must have only taken but a few steps until he turned back. If Malfoy was really up to something hed need his invisibility cloak and map. Shoving those two items into his bag he wandered about, his feet unknowingly taking him to the astrology towers.
Harry sat down upon the stone, legs dangling over the edge. It was just at this place two years ago when Dumbledore had met his demise. The look on his face as he toppled over the balcony, the empty gaze, the shriveled hand, his last words.. all of which Harry couldnt forget. He shivered uncontrollably. Brought back to the night when it all happened. When he first felt the realness of it all. He felt sick and tried to channel his thoughts elsewhere.
Dumbledore had raised Harry to die. But there were good parts of him too. Harry couldnt forget the kindly twinkle in his eyes as well, the fact that Dumbledore had really been his first mentor, his first person to really look up to. Besides Hagrid.
Where was Hagrid? his thoughts rambled. The last he had heard from him he was in France with Madame Maxime. A grin spread across his face as he remembered Hagrids blush when he told Harry where he was going for the next bit or so. Harry stretched, feeling slightly calmer. Now he could check on Malfoy.
Unrolling the map, Harry traced Filch’s dot, not wanting to be caught by the antagonistic janitor of Hogwarts. Thankfully both Filch and his cat were in his office with a Katy Abbott. Hannahs sister, maybe? It didnt matter. Malfoy was the object of his search, not some first- year. He furrowed his brow, trying to find the elusive blonde.
His thoughts wandered yet again. Malfoy must be up to something, he decided. He looked skinnier, paler, much like when they were in sixth year. And the other night, the blood on his hand? Something was off about that. He couldnt confide in anyone, which was the hardest part. Ron and Hemione were obviously not interested, and Ginny was upset at him after he broke up with her.
He couldnt tell anyone why he broke up with her, either. The main reason was that he himself didnt know. There was something missing. He just thought of her as a sister but he knew there was something else, something he just couldnt pinpoint.
Reaching down to look at the map he heard a muffled cry. Shit. He thought. The is definitely what was being planned and i didnt help at all. More people will get hurt and its my goddamn fault! He heard somebody running to the towers. Harry pulled the invisibility cloak over his body, ready to accost whoever was halfway up and getting closer.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
In pain
Floundering
I need help
Why would someone like him help me
Does he feel the same
Is my stupid childhood crush going to transform into something real
Im a terrible person
Dont deserve happiness
I hate myself
Draco woke up confused. There was something he needed to do. But what was it? Something important, he knew that much. Deciding to ask Blaise, he stepped out of bed and yawned, ready for once to start an enjoyable day. He went down to the common room.
The empty common room was a surprise, due to that it was usually filled with very loud eighth years, usually Hufflepuffs or Gryffindors. Glancing at the time Draco hissed, drawing a deep breath between his teeth. It was late. Really late. He must have missed breakfast. He looked at the schedule. ‘I could go to Charms.’
Walking through the corridor to the Charms classroom he felt a group of people watching him. Draco instinctively quickened his pace. The people followed. Through his peripheral Draco saw they were fifth year Ravenclaws, ones who werent friendly to any Slytherin to say the least. ‘Shit.’ he thought.
‘Oi!’
Tightening his fists, Draco turned around prepared for any insult theyd dredged up for him. He wouldnt take any of their shit anymore. He’d-
‘Alarte Ascendare!’ the biggest of the group screamed. Draco ducked as a picture frame was thrown high in the air above his head, missing him by mere centimeters.
‘Faggot Death Eater get the fuck out of Hogwarts.’ another of the Ravenclaws hissed, drawing his wand. ‘Sectu-‘ his voice faded out out as Draco slumped down to the floor, his memories accosting him.
The faded memories of that day two years ago coming back to visit him. His surprise as Potter burst into the bathroom while he was shaking, trying to calm himself. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Then he got that word hexing him and blood there was blood there was blood everywhere blood blood and his eyes faded to black but now there was someone shaking him out of his memories and the floor around him was clean and someone was carrying him up to the astronomy tower.
‘No no not him I dont want to kill him. Dont bring me here.’ he mumbled under his breath.
‘Draco?’ someone was shaking his arm. He opened his eyes. Potter hesitantly held his hand. ‘Are you okay?’
Draco looked up into his arch-nemisis’ eyes and all of the thoughts, all of the shame and pain that he’d been carrying for the last year and a half came rushing in all at once. He knew he shouldn’t be weak- especially in front of him- but he couldn’t help it. Tears pricked the corners of his eyes and trickled out. He curled up and let out a soundless scream, crying out for help from anyone. Potter watched, just as he had watched two years ago in the bathroom. But this time instead of hexing each other Potter held Draco close.
After a few minutes which felt like hours Draco calmed down, his tears slowing down to small drops. He sat up and moved away from Potter, trying to act nonchalant. Turning his head he noticed Potter biting his lip, as if he was trying to hold back a question. Draco let out a resigned sigh.
‘You can ask it.’
‘Why were they calling you that?’ Potter’s nose wrinkled with disgust, from the word or the idea Draco didn’t know. He hoped it was from the word.
‘I suppose everyone in school knows now regardless so it doesn’t matter if I tell you.’ he laughed bitterly. ‘I’m gay.’
Potter’s eyes widened with surprise at the blunt directness of the answer but he nodded. ‘Is that.. frowned upon in the wizarding community?’
Draco frowned, wondering if he was being spoken to with sarcasm. ‘God, Potter. You really were raised in a barn, werent you? Wizards are supposed to grow up, get married, and have children. Even if you aren’t pureblood there’s a limit to how open people are.’
‘I thought..’ Potter’s voice trailed off, ignoring the veiled insult. ‘Nevermind. So how did they find out? I’m assuming you didn’t tell them.’ he quipped.
Draco explained the saga, ending with the part where Theo’s girlfriend blackmailed him. ‘I don’t know how she told everyone at Hogwarts.’ he said bitterly. ‘The last thing I remember is when the fifth year Ravenclaws decided to have a go at me.’
‘That’s fucked.’ Potter shook his head, obviously upset. ‘I’m sorry, mate.’
Draco shook his head, ignoring Potter’s words. ‘Nevermind that, how did you save me from the sectumsempra? Even Dumbledore and Madame Pomfrey couldn’t save me exactly from when you did it to me in sixth year. I’ve still got scars.’
‘I deflected the curse onto a painting.’ Potter explained simply. ‘It’s got a rip but you’re fine, so.. wait.’ his eyes narrowed. ‘I gave you scars?’
‘Well, yeah. I mean I thought you knew that!’ Draco furrowed his brow, confused.
‘I didn’t know that! I didn’t mean to- I didn’t even know what the hex would do! How did those kids learn that spell?’
‘The Carrows.’ Draco bit his lip. ‘I mean, in that case I shouldn’t have tried to crucio you. I started it so technically-‘
Potter glared at him. ‘Still. That was a real dick move of me to make. I hurt you too, along with me hurting everyone else.’ He reached out an arm and subconsciously touched Draco’s chest where his scars would be over his robes. Draco flushed at the contact, his heart beating so quickly he felt it would fly right out of his body. He shifted his position on the floor, hoping Harry wouldn’t notice how red his cheeks were.
‘You didn’t hurt anyone, at least purposely. You did your best.’ Draco didn’t know where those words came from but he knew they were true and he hoped the other would know that as well.
‘Huh?’ Harry shook his head as though coming out of a daze and realised his hand was still on Draco. He blushed and took it off like he had been burnt. ‘Oh. Thank you. Draco, can i ask you something?’
Draco nodded, slightly wary and confused.
‘Last night- do you remember- you had a cut. What happened, are you okay?’ he noticed Draco tensing up and added quickly ‘I’m not accusing you. I’m curious.’
Shifting in his seat, Draco decided to answer. ‘In Herbology. A Hufflepuff decided that former Death Eaters don’t belong in Hogwarts so..’ he gestured to the cut on his hand. Noticing Harry was getting angry he continued ‘it’s okay. I’m used to it. Everyone here pretty much says it, to my face or behind my back.’
‘Professor Sprout did anything?’ Harry questioned, tight lipped.
‘She thinks I don’t belong here too.’ Draco said quietly. ‘And before you say anything- you and your friends do it too. But its okay. I don’t think I deserve to come back either.’
Harry looked down, obviously abashed. ‘Draco- I’m sorry. I’ll get my friends to lay off you and i will, too.’ he bit his nail before continuing. ‘And you do belong here. You saved my life, remember?’
‘Thanks.’ Draco mumbled, not meeting Harry’s eyes.
They heard footsteps and turned around quickly, wands at the ready.
‘Draco?’ a voice hesitantly called. Pansy Parkinson came from around the corner of the steps, Blaise Zabini following her. ‘Are you-‘ her eyes narrowed as she saw Harry.
‘Its okay.’ Draco said wearily. ‘He helped me. How did you find me?’
‘I heard some Ravenclaws boasting about hexing you near the Astronomy Tower so we looked for you.’ Blaise finally spoke. ‘Are you alright?’
Draco nodded. ‘Potter helped me.’ he said begrudgingly, for once the malice in which he usually said the name gone.
Blaise raised an eyebrow, although he stayed silent. Harry shifted where he stood.
‘If you’re all good now I should probably head to lunch.’ Harry said hesitantly.
‘I’m good.’ Draco said quickly.
Harry nodded, quickly leaving the balcony. The second he left Pansy and Blaise pounced on Draco.
‘What happened? Are you really okay, we heard about how Nott’s girlfriend spread your ‘news’ around.’
Draco shook his head, looking away. ‘I’m worried what my mother will think. You know, my father is in Azkaban-‘ his lip curled up in disgust. ‘-so it doesn’t matter what he thinks. But my mother..’ his voice trailed off, obviously worried.
Pansy put a comforting arm around him. Blaise, obviously heading Draco off before he could start freaking out, quickly intercepted. ‘Tell me, what happened with Potter? You seemed pretty close with him just then.’ he smirked.
Draco flushed, light pink covering his pale features. ‘It wasnt like that.’ he muttered. After pressure, he finally told Pansy and Blaise the gist of what happened.