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"We will go to the Earth. We will go to the Earth in this decade, and do the other things, not because they are easy but because they are tax-deductible." - Supreme Overlord Two-Prongs, the Second Bluish Era, Soupytime, Homeworld.
The Information Officer filed his packet for retirement like two tube-weeks after the crew returned to Homeworld. Maybe less. Anyway it was a record turnaround."I'm gonna build a little house, maybe on Lake Rutherford," he mused, cooing at the tiny pink hybrid Eric Travis and smooching him with all his purple tubules. "Make my own furniture, grill in the backyard, watch professional tetherball, you know, American dream."In reality, he missed his girlfriend. College was supposed to be when all the good boy-girl stuff happened, and the Information Officer had spent quite enough time playing grab-ass as a pimply teenager; no way was he going to miss four years of being a hot commodity. Even now in his nonogenarian purple tube, he twitched like a horny kid. Stupid Earth hormones: a minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.Vicky Dubcek sprawled on the Big Giant Throne with her leg hooked over the armrest and a little too much inner thigh revealed, but the Information Officer didn't care. In fact, he'd drilled a hole in the human shower (carved from a single enormous diamond and for the sole use of Homeworld's only human and her array of opalescent economy-sized bath oils) where he could come get an eyeful of Vicky's apricot colored flesh and surprising patches of hair."So, um. Vicky. How's it going? Still enjoying being Mrs. Giant Head?"Vicky scowled. "I am a forward-thinking woman," she insisted. "We've decided on Giant-Dubcek-Head. Everyone's hyphenating nowadays, you know?""Naturally," said the Information Officer."Anyway, I just got little Eric Travis down for the afternoon, and Biggie's out at his big giant minigolf, but if you wanna leave a message, you're more than welcome to do so at the sound of the tone."Then she picked up little Eric Travis. "Tooonnnnneeee," she intoned.The Information Officer bounced nervously on his gelatinous monopod. "Hi, um. Your Giantheadedness?"Vicky just blinked."Right," said the Informaion Officer. "I, um, request an audience with your Bigness to discuss the possibility of my returning to Earth. Thanks so much, love, the Information Officer from the team that went to Earth that time. Go Cougars."Vicky more blinked.The Information Officer looked around for a while before he realized his faux pas. "Oh," he said. "Click."Vicky nodded. "Thanks." Of course, it wasn't just Lake Rutherford that drew the Information Officer -- Tommy -- back to Ohio, even though they'd just gotten an IKEA and there was buzz about a Target. His original contract for the Earth assignment had committed him for the duration of some nebulous "adolescence," but further data he'd acquired both down on the surface and from military and training manuals suggested that the adolescent experience often spun out for years beyond its intended completion. In fact, some members of the species were diagnosed with a type of "permanent adolescence," symptoms for which included retail work, graduate school, vaguely stained pants and a propensity toward video games and canned spirits. It all sounded specious to Tommy but then, the one thing he'd been excited about -- the thing the Big Giant Head had sold him on -- back before this whole mission had begun was the prospect of going to a good human college. Maybe he'd even join a fraternity! Tommy had been dazzled by the idea. He'd practically embroidered the Greek characters onto his purple tubish uniform before he'd even left Homeworld.So much for that, he thought, when they'd received their orders and come back home. Six years on Earth and not so much as a single keg stand, and his one chance at fraternity life spoiled by a spider-filled danish.Two weeks after submitting his request, the Information Officer found himself roused from a nice mid-afternoon nap by a buzzing sound near his porthole. He peeled open the window."Oh, hey, Harry," he said."Beeeeeeep," said Harry."I got that," said the Information Officer."The Big Giant Head will see you now," said Harry, twirling an imaginary mustache with the gooey purple tentacles of his upper tube part.The rest of Team Cougar fell into place. The High Commander was out in the corridor, and even the burly Lieutenant swaggered alongside them, growling the whole way to the Big Giant Head's underground lobby and parking facility."I just don't get why Tommy gets to go back and we have to stay here," the Lieutenant warbled."Oh, hush," the High Commander said. "The whole time we were on Earth all you ever did was bitch, bitch, bitch. 'Look how tall and ungainly I am!'" the High Commander trilled, nearly mimicking Sally's human voice. "'My boobs are so cumbersome!' 'Don won't go down on me!'"The Lieutenant snorted. "Yeah, I was really a jackass, wasn't I.""And you couldn't even cook," said Harry, dejectedly.The Lieutenant's poking device caught Harry on the underside of the jaw. "Watch it, buster," the Lieutenant muttered. "SILENCE!"The Information Officer gave the High Commander a look. The throne room was empty but for the four of them, and they hadn't been making any noise at all except for the Lieutenant's impatient tapping and Harry's nonspecific chewing. The thunderous command echoed unimpressively around the gooey chamber. Then, with the unmistakeable creak of a pulley, a Big Giant Head, smelling of paint and baking powder, came shimmying down the wall."PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN!" it hollered.On the neighboring wall, a little nook was curtained off, and from behind it the Information Officer could see the Big Giant Head in his normal, purple form, working the levers with one tube and rocking little hybrid Eric Travis with the other. He grinned at Tommy."AH, NEVER MIND," he said. "I JUST THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE A NICE CHANGE --" He switched a switch and came out of his little cubby, followed by Vicky Giant-Dubcek-Head, who was pushing the little pink hybrid baby Eric Travis in a fashionably purple tram."Ahem," said the Big Giant Head. "Sorry for that, men."The team leaped up and saluted.Then they all settled back into their seats, the Big Giant Head took his throne under the dangling, cockeyed giant head he'd suspended from the ceiling, and Eric Travis started to wail."Now, now, shut your pretty little mouth," Vicky was saying, but the hybrid baby wouldn't shut his pretty little mouth until he'd been allowed to crawl back into his daddy's lap and suck a corner of his favorite purple tube toy."Fatherhood," the Big Giant Head sighed, tussling the boy's hair."Tell me about it," said the High Commander with his best exhausted air."So Tommy --"The Information Officer turned to look at his Supreme Overlord. "Actually, I'm thinking of going by Tommy again," Tommy said. "Tom, maybe. Yeah, I'm Tom."The Giant Head blinked his one big purple eye. "Very well," he said. "Tommy. I've looked over your proposal and I'll tell you this much. Based on your mission to Earth and the dozens or so publications I managed to subscribe to while I was visiting, this adolescence business seems to be quite the moneymaker. So what's the plan?""Wait, there's money?" the Lieutenant snapped. "Nobody said anything to me about money. If there's money, I wanna go. Dic- High Commander? Tell him I need to go too.""Well, the truth of the matter is, I'm not really in it for the money," Tommy said. "I'm not proposing a second expedition.""Is that right?" the Big Giant Overlord mused, more interested in something sticky he was trying to wipe from Eric Travis's pudgy cheek. "So what do you want, then?"The Information Officer took a deep breath. "I want to move there. To Ohio, I mean. To live." He nearly spilled the part about Alissa, but then Harry would want Dubie up here, and the Lieutenant would start crowing for Don, and the High Commander would never, ever shut up about Dr. Albright again."Fine then!" the High Commander said, suddenly seeming very put out. "I don't see why you needed us to waste our day coming down here to help you appeal to the Big Giant Head for a matter as simple as relocation."The Giant Head nodded. "Dick makes a good point, Tommy," he said. "Why have you come seeking my counsel?""Well, I want to go back to Earth," Tommy said. Then, in a lower voice, he added, "but I don't have any money.""Money!" the Lieutenant hollered. "Did you hear that, Dick? He said money again!""I heard him," said Harry."Tubes!" The Big Giant Head called. "High Commander, Lieutenant, Information Officer. Harry. Everybody just sit back down and let's try this again on a lower register." He dropped his own voice. "Eric Travis will never let me hear the end of it if we wake him from his nap."The Information Officer was growing antsy, and he tapped his smooshy purple foot against the purple marble of the floor and tried to resist the urge to make his argument again. Then, because nobody else was saying anything, he just went ahead and spoke. "I got to spend a couple months in college," he said. "And I feel like it's something I should finish up. After that, I don't know, but I'd be happy with a little garden to work on, maybe herbs, maybe I'll go ahead and take that Chinese cooking class... you know, retirement. I've put in eight decades of good service here and I think it's time for me to settle down.""So what do you need all that money for?" the Lieutenant asked."Tuition, books," Tommy said. "Incidentals. I mean, what if I want to get me and Alissa a hotel room?""You're going to see Mary?" the High Commander gasped.The Information Officer turned to him. "No," he said. "Alissa. I said Alissa.""Mary??!" the High Commander cooed."Shut up, Dick," said the Lieutenant."Laundry," put in Harry. "College kids sure do a lot of laundry.""Yeah, laundry."Then Eric Travis started fussing and everyone froze."Tommy," the Big Giant Head whispered hurriedly with half his mouth. "Your request is granted. Everyone else, please return to your quarters as quietly as possible, and do not return to my sight ever again. Operation College Again will begin in three, two --"Harry sneezed, and Tommy found himself in an unfamiliar dorm room, sheets pulled up to his chin in the dark. His human body felt prickly and tight, alien but still kind of familiar, like he'd left his chair for a minute and when he came back it was still warm and with his butt-print in it. The dorm rooms at Pendleton were crap; way worse than his old school and he realized that with a little direction he could have had the B.G.H. send him somewhere better, like maybe Ohio State, but very promptly he realized it was nice here in his old hometown, especially all alone and with the family gone, and plus, Alissa's dad worked here. He decided to make his first stop Dr. Albright's office, because she'd believe his story and plus she could tell him how to register for classes.Her door was closed, but through the glass he could see her at her desk, sitting across from Nina and enjoying a Waldorf chicken salad. He banged on the glass. "Dr. Albright! Dr. Albright!"She looked up at him, leaned in and whispered something to Nina."Come back during office hours!" Nina called, not moving from her seat."But Mary! It's me! I'm back from space!"This time Mary looked at Nina again, then looked horrified, stood up, opened the door and dragged Tommy inside."Hey, Dr. Albright," he said, trying for casual despite her vice-grip on his arm."Shut UP," she demanded. "Nina, would you mind taking my new schedule down to the registrar?" Mary asked, sounding nervous. "I promised I'd have it there before the semester started."Nina knitted her eyebrows but just nodded, and left with the schedule and a "sure thing, Dr. Albright, see you later."Mary grabbed Tommy and sat him down at the chair facing her desk."Um, it's good to see you too," Tommy said.Mary leaned close. "Dick?" she hissed, accusatory. "Is that you? Are you really back from space?"Tommy flinched. "What? No! Tommy! I'm the son, remember?"Mary took a step back. "Tommy?"Tommy nodded. "That's right, Tommy."Now Mary started to laugh. Tommy, who couldn't see at all what was so funny, just scowled."Ah-hah-hah-and you just -- you just now beamed down, or whatever? From..." she gestured vaguely.Tommy nodded. "Last night. I'm staying in one of the dorms here, apparently.""Where's Dick?"Tommy looked at the floor. "He didn't come with. He still has two more tours before he can retire, that young punk."Now Mary sat down too. "Did he... say anything about me?"Tommy thought. "He did tell us about this one time you and he got this hotel room across the Canadian border --"Mary held up a hand. "I know that story already," she said. "But you-hoo-hooo!" And there she was, laughing again. Finally she swiped at teary eyes. "You don't know, do you," she said. "Oh, Tommy-hee-hee-hee!" She opened a desk drawer, dug around, and came back with a plastic tigers-eye compact mirror. She flipped it open and turned it toward Tommy.He peered, only vaguely remembering how mirrors worked, but the little shiny screen was so small he couldn't find himself in the reflection which seemed entirely taken up with the image of an olive-skinned, dark-eyed young girl. He tipped the mirror around some more without any luck."I can't see anything," he said to Mary. "There's some girl in the way."Mary smiled and just watched him. He thought for a while, squinting into the mirror. He blinked and the pretty brown-eyed girl blinked back. He licked his lips at her."Hey Mary," Tommy said. "Would you mind leaving us alone for a minute?"Mary snorted. "Wait for it..." she said, and Tommy looked in the mirror again and it was shiny and clear."Oh my god!" Tommy shouted."There it goes," said Mary."I'm GORGEOUS!" Tommy hollered. He had math in the morning, and then an early lunch, and afterward he went to sign up for the track team before all the good electives got taken and he ended up with underwater basket weaving.Later, in underwater basket weaving, he sat around the side of the pool listening to the loud blonde instructress bark orders while he played with his bikini-clad boobs."Are they fun when they get wet?" he asked the girl beside him. "I feel like they'd be slippery."She shifted a little further away from him.He scanned the group. Twelve hot female freshpeople, in varying stages of undress, all kicking their feet and gently worrying strips of wood for maximum bendiness. Tommy wasn't so sad about missing track sign up after all, especially because of the group showers back in the locker room.And then he saw her, over there by the diving board. Alissa Strudwick in a red one-piece, her brow knitted as she worked a piece of wood into a circle. When she put on her goggles to submerge, Tommy ran over to her spot, dove in, and dragged her, coughing, to the surface."I think this girl needs mouth-to-mouth!" he shouted, pushing Alissa onto the pool's edge and pinning her by the shoulders."I'm... stop it! Get off me!" Alissa writhed.Tommy leaned in close to her ear. "Shhh," he said. "It's me! Tommy! But don't tell."With surprising strength, she pushed him away. "You're crazy," she said. "Coach Magness, this girl is trying to assault me."The big puffy basketweaving and swimteam coach came tromping over. She squatted beside Tommy."Is that true, young lady?"Tommy laughed. "Young lady," he giggled."Is this a joke to you?" the coach demanded.Tommy pulled at his bikini briefs. All around him, college girls were making good headway on their moist baskets, and Alissa Strudwick was standing near the diving board with her arms crossed, scowling."Well, yes," Tommy said, after a while. "I mean, underwater basket weaving?"Then she sent him to the showers and told him she didn't want to see his fat face for the rest of the day, and for reasons he didn't quite understand his eyes were already leaking before he raced from the pool area and went to scrutinize his new body in the locker room mirror.He was pulling on a pair of pink velour Juicy Couture track pants he'd found in his dorm room when Alissa walked in."What was that about?" she asked."It's Tommy!" he tried again, but she just shook her head. "I was afraid you were drowning?""Drowning?"Tommy sighed, and sat down on the bench. "Sorry," he said. "That was dumb."Alissa sat down beside him. "What's your name, anyway?"Tommy peered. "Tommy," he said. She kept staring at him. "Um... Tommy?""Okay," she said. "I had a boyfriend named Tommy once. He was a boy, though."Tommy nodded. "I remember," he said. He gave his boobs another squeeze and remembered in his dressing excitement he'd forgotten to put on a bra... or a shirt. When he looked up, Alissa was staring at his chest."Hey," he said. "I'm up here?" Gestured with two thumbs at his face. "Up here?""Right," said Alissa, blushing. Then she stood up. "Um, well, I'd better get dressed, I have Orgo.""I'm organic!" Tommy called after her as she headed for the shower, but it wasn't really loud enough for her to hear. "What the hell am I going to do?" Tommy asked Mary, over cheese steaks in her office. "I came back so I could be with Alissa, and now look at me."Mary did just that. "You know, you guys make pretty good women," she commented. "I mean, you're no Sally, but you've definitely got your own thing going."Tommy stroked his thigh. "I do, don't I."Mary cringed. "Please don't do that." Alissa lived in his dorm, on his hall, even. It was kind of an exquisite torture. Every morning he saw her in the bathroom, and every morning he'd duck into one of the stalls and hide so he could watch her shower. She was way hotter than Vicky Dubcek, and far less hairy, and the hair she did have was kind of bunchy and adorable and fun to watch her play with.Every afternoon he'd follow her to lunch, and he'd sit with his roommate -- a bushy-eyebrowed farmgirl from Wisconsin -- and pretend to talk about threshing equipment while he watched Alissa sip cranberry juice through a straw. Then he'd strip down to his bikini and they'd swim together, and once they even knotted a basket together, underwater. In some cultures, Tommy had told her, that would indicate that they were betrothed, but Alissa just laughed an uncomfortable laugh and said something about bagels before making an awkward exit.And then it was too much. He put in a request to the B.G.H., this wasn't what he'd been expecting, and could he please be issued another body of the male variety. No news came back from the Homeworld the entire semester.They were packing for fall break when the call finally did come in. "Incoming message from the Big Giant Head!" shouted Tommy's cell phone. Farmgirl Jen, who was packing her clothes into a military duffel, gave him a funny look."Ringtones," Tommy shrugged. He picked up the phone. "Yup?"The waiting list for male bodies of Tommy's age was over ten years long, and the waiting list for a retrieval vessel to take him back to Homeworld was even longer. The phone sneezed. "I'm stuck here," Tommy moaned, sitting in Mary's car in the parking lot and passing a joint back and forth. "How do you put up with it? The mood swings and the rage and the frightening monthly hemhorraging?"Mary shrugged. "You get used to it," she said. "I mean, Sally got used to it, right?"Slammed by a wave of homesickness, Tommy wished he could get Sally on the horn right now and ask her all the questions he'd been saving up, but without a transmitter/receiver like Harry Tommy was strictly at the mercy of the B.G.H.'s call schedule, and this was always a busy time of year for Intergalactic System Lords.He looked up, and saw Alissa loading luggage into the back of Dr. Strudwick's station wagon. Tommy slumped down in his seat."Why are you hiding?" Mary asked."Oh," Tommy said. "Makes it easier to stare at her."Mary gave that one a couple seconds and then agreed. "Fair enough."But Tommy was so busy slinking and Mary was so busy watching him slink and both of them were so distracted by the cloud of pot smoke that nobody saw Alissa come up to the passenger's side of the car and knock on Tommy's window."Hey," she said, and then coughed when he rolled the window down. "Got any big plans for break?""Studying, mostly," Tommy said, exhaling. "You?"Alissa shuffled her feet. "Um, well, my dad's going to a conference in Italy, and he's leaving me here so I'm basically just going to have the house to myself for the week. I thought maybe..."Mary elbowed Tommy. "I should leave you two alone," she said, not going anywhere.After a minute Tommy realized it was Mary's car, got out, and took a spot on the curb next to Alissa as Mary pealed away in a haze of stinky weed."Look," said Alissa. "I know we haven't really been friends this semester.""That's okay.""But... I know you watch me, and stuff. It's a little creepy."Tommy looked at his shoes, a pair of sassy Sketchers tennies with the toe-caps colored in. "Yeah, sorry about that," he said.Alissa turned and looked at him. "Still," she said."Yeah," Tommy said."You remind me of someone," Alissa said. "An old boyfriend.""Tommy," sighed Tommy. "I know.""So you knew him, right?" Alissa asked. "I mean, you made it seem like you did.""Yeah," Tommy said. "I knew him before he had to go. Leave town, I mean."Tommy rested a hand on Alissa's thigh. He was wearing pale green nailpolish today, and was pleased to note that his manicure was still impeccable. Alissa didn't push his hand away, and instead rested her own on top of it."Did you... go out with him?" Alissa asked.Tommy laughed. "No, no, nothing like -- well, wait. Yes. I guess I did."Alissa looked sad. Tommy backpedaled."I mean, but, all he ever did was talk about you," Tommy said. "Alissa this, Alissa that. He was crazy about you.""Yeah?" Alissa smiled. Her eyes lit up and the pink rose in her cheek and Tommy was wise enough to stop himself from kissing her right there."Yeah. He used to say all sorts of good things about you," Tommy went on. "You wanna hear some of them?"Alissa blushed an even deeper cranberry color. "Yeah," she said, shyly. "Um, want to go get a cheeseburger?"She stood up from the stoop and held out her hand to help Tommy to his feet, but once he was standing she didn't let go, in fact, she squeezed a little tighter."Tommy really really liked you," Tommy said, as they crossed the parking lot."I wish he'd gotten to come to college with me," Alissa said."He wishes that too," Tommy said. "I think -- I mean, I can't say for sure, but I think he might have been in love with you."Alissa stopped walking and threw her arms around Tommy's neck. "Oh, Tommy!" she squealed.For a minute, Tommy thought she recognized him, but then he remembered that as a girl he'd taken the name Tommy too. For once he was glad there wasn't a trouser snake tucked away down there to tip his hand as he held her close to him. "There, there," he said, patting her.When she pulled away, they held each other there for a second, two powerfully hot college chicks wrapped in each others' arms. The movie rights themselves would feed a small country. Tommy took a gamble and kissed her on the cheek and she squeezed his hand and starting racing toward downtown Rutherford with Tommy in tow.It turned out that a perfectly serviceable male body was available in Tommy's size right around Christmas, but he turned it down. This girl form was so soft, and fit him so well, and more importantly, Alissa liked it. Sometimes at night she'd come down the hall from her room and climb into his bunk with him and they'd gossip about which teachers were sleeping with which students, or watch movies together and giggle.For Christmas, she bought Tommy a red backpack that matched her own, and inside she'd gotten him a blank journal and a card. "To my best friend," she'd written."Best friend," thought Tommy, reading it and rereading it over the course of the day. "How about them apples?" And at night, he climbed up to the dorm roof and hollered at the sky, "SUCK IT, COUGARS!"