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As long as Rin remembers, he is always trying.
Trying to be a good brother for his cry baby little brother yet smarter than him (he proud of that), protecting Yukio from mean kids in kindergarten, kick some asses that bullies Yukio in elementary school to middle school, even look after Yukio every time Yukio upset with The invisible fairies that Rin didn't know before he can see demons, and off course, making the best bento in the world that makes michelin star chef insecure every single time Yukio goes to school, yet. It seems it wasn't enough.
Rin always trying to be a good boy for Father Fujimoto doing his best to stop messed up things, to be kinder, to be softer, avoid useless fighting with some punks, at least before they cross the boundary, and using all his strength to help others, Rin doing his best to prove His Father that he has grown up.
Even though it's hard, SO.DAMN.HARD for Rin, but he is always trying and trying and trying. Never ever gonna give up,
But, you know? It's never enough.
Father Fujimoto died, partly because of him, because he can’t control his mouth. So that DAMN abomination, Satan, possessed Shiro’s body and as a cool person, Shiro died sacrificing himself for his demon child. Even after Rin promised to show that he has grown up, he couldn't keep that promise.
What a useless child.
All the time Shiro lived and raised him all rin could give was troubles, rin couldn't get good grades in school, can't control his temper to yell at shiro when he was angry, jump into a fight more than he could count and it always ended with rin getting hurt. and you know what hurts him more than anything? Shiro was disappointed and sad to see Rin like that.
"Why have you never been mad at me dad? why? Dad was never angry."
Shiro never scolded him, let alone raised his hand at all the antics Rin did, except... once slap, at that time…
Well he kinda deserves it.
Rin knows that everything he tries never ends well, he shouldn't expect anything.
should...not, but even so when Yukio thrust a gun muzzle into his head and asked him to die. Rin was shocked.
They are brothers, one pair of twins! How can Yukio do that to him?
Maybe because Rin caused Shiro's death, maybe because Yukio was already fed up with Rin, maybe because Rin is stupid. Stupid enough to not know or do something to help Yukio even after all the signs, Hell, What a bad older brother Rin is to Yukio, ignorant enough he didn't know yukio tried to kill himself. So.Many.Times.
Why did Yukio not tell him anything?
Why is Yukio not asking for his help?
Why did Yukio not trust him?
Why?
…
Wait. he did.
Once.
After Shura gives a freaking BOMB information about their Mom on Christmas(and their birthday).
Yukio asked for help. In an implicit way. Rin should have known. After all sixteen years living together, Rin Should have known.
But no he did not.
So maybe because of that, Yukio shot him.
Three times
At his head (because Rin is an idiot for connected all the signs)
At his mouth (because Rin too much talk and not enough listening)
At his heart (because Rin can't understand Yukio heart)
It hurts so much. And because of that rin drew his sword (his heart)
And the hell (heart) breaks loose.
— - - - —- - - - —-
Rin was used to feeling pain, but this pain was beyond any pain he had ever felt. The pain that comes from a breaking heart, from breaking one more promise, the promise he said to never try to hurt his own brother.
And seeing Yukio just walk away leaving a trail of himself with an icy back like that, to seek help from the enemy after rejecting Rin's help, while Rin was near him writhing in pain and burns, makes it even worse.
Oh father...
The ongoing blizzard seems like nothing to his blazing heart.
“Rin!"
"Okumura!"
Rin can hear his friends from all the ongoing chaos his heart makes. Desperate for his well being, desperate to make sure he is okay.
But no, dont.
He is dangerous, his control of his flame is gone, his heart is broken. Please. Don't come near him, he couldn't handle it if he hurt more of his precious treasures.
"DON'T COME NEAR ME!"
The flames didn't stop burning, scorching every inch of his body, every strand of his hair, every layer of his skin, every vain of his blood, every color of his eyes, every beat of his heart.
His flames burn himself in and out, endlessly, until nothing remains.
He is done, it seems like nothing is real right now. He is tired, not just because of his automatic self-cremation. But also for every fortune that comes to this second, that's just so many meaningless things that have happened to him and detrimental to those precious to him.
Maybe it's better if he just stops trying?
Maybe it's better if he just be gone?
Maybe he shouldn't have been born
...
Yeah...
Maybe...
After all, who would be happy to be born?
...
Especially to be born from damnation being like satan, literally yeeted out from his mothers womb like a blue rocket and had an ugly face like a blue baby angry gremlin.
Ew
He should have just died.
What else can he do?
just after being born the first thing he did was roasting people alive.
It's no surprise, then, that he has a talent for cooking.
Father Fujimoto should have killed him in that snow blizzard on the Yeti mountain and taken Yukio. He can rest in peace with his loveable mother, maybe if Father Fujimoto doesn't mind putting Rin in his mother's arms before killing him, it would be nice.
But then
Why?
Why when he uses the Kamikakushi Key it is open to him?
To Father Fujimoto
____ _ _ _ ____ _ _ _
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Kamikakushi Key or Spirited Away Key, can take the owner to wherever they desire
Desire itself is a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.
So…does that mean..
I wish to see him again?
Does Rin wish to return to the past? One more time for him to peacefully sleep with Yukio on the old couch.One more chance to taste those delicious flavors from father fujimoto homely dish that is made by love..He does… he always does...Though he never showed it, never said it, he is always searching for his father to appear somewhere again. Even though Rin knew that dreams couldn’t emerge even if a miracle came true.But yet, the key gave him that miracle. Even if it's only temporary…--- --- --- --- ---The sizzling sound of roasted meal, the strong smell of spices getting mixed up are the first senses he noticed when he walked to the old nostalgic kitchen.And then his father's voice…"You are finally home, huh?" He said while focusing on the meals he prepare"Where have you been loafing around?" His usual black priest coat is buried in a pink apron he wears. Taking his focus off the dishes he was making, and realizing the sudden appearanceShocked, "Who are you?" looking at the person who entered his kitchen out of nowhere, a glimpse of realization peep out from his eyes, missed from the dense young white-bluenette
Crap!
I forgot to wear my magic hood.
"Oh! Well…" father Fujimoto said while taking the hot steaming dishes to the dining table near Rin, "have a seat and try one of these"The steaming dish is Rin's favorite food! Some rice balls grilled with bonito flakes, butter and soy sauces. Father Fujimoto always made them when Rin was a child. Just by seeing the dish gives Rin a nostalgic feeling."First time i made this, give it a try""Uh su.. sure, okay" Rin stuttered by the sudden offer from Father Fujimoto.Rin takes one of the steaming rice balls into his mouth, it is very hot and so delicious but there's something missing to the familiar flavor."Its great but maybe a little bland, a bit of salt would be better" Rin said Father Fujimoto bit another one, "I thought so, this is the first time i made it from a friend"
Ah so that's why… but still, this taste sure takes me back….
GROOWWLL!!
Shiet, when was the last time I have eaten?
His stomach seems to want more.Father doesn't hold his laughter, "AHAHA ha, I made plenty so eat all you want!""T..thanks"father fujimoto looked briefly at rin then immediately averted his eyes, seems like he restrain something"You don't look well, are you getting enough to eat?" Ask Father Fujimoto
Like old times, fathers always make sure me and yukio have eaten or not, and it seems not only Father Fujimoto, other parents like suguro's parents especially his lovely-scary mother, shima's father even though in some harsh way and shiemi's mother always worry about their children have eaten or not
Why sometimes the form of affection from parents to their children is always related to food?
"It's a shame how they use you young guys in the special corps" father keeps blabbering
Why don't they worry for themselves? Why dont they make sure they have eaten or not. Has Father eaten? He looks unwell, looks like something is bothering him, is it work? Is it the little brat old me fighting again? Or is Yukio crying at school again?
A little bit of Father Fujimoto's voice slips through Rin's mind, "...my hands are full being a dad so…"Ah yes of course..Yukio and I used to be very difficult, it seems like both of us bring loads to dad's mind, if only I could lighten his burden as a child, because sure Yukio and especially me are hard to care for, it must be difficult to act like a Dad...
Doesn't it?
"Is it hard…being a Dad?" For a moment there was silent in the bare kitchen "Yeah i guess…" Father Fujimoto held his chin while processing his answer, "but i don't know what a Dad is"shifting his gaze to the two children who were soundly sleeping on the couch like nothing in the world mattered."Look at those brothers, the one with glasses is Yukio, He’s generous,”
Yes, yukio is always like that. Always great to be proud of…
“He is a hard worker,”
….tough enough to always count on…
“And such a kind kid,”
…always able to restrain myself and my poor whims…
“...he is jittery.”
although he is a scaredy cat.
“I am worried ..” But Yukio is amazing “…because he lacks confidence,”
What?
“ I want to help him, so I asked if he wants to toughen up and be an exorcist with me,”
well. That's good for him
“and he said he wanted to become strong enough…” Strong enough to be on one’s own, without his brother. “...To protect his brother.”
Protect...me?
..but…Yukio..
Who is gonna protect you if you are on one's own?
…."The one with his butt hanging out is Rin," interrupted by his name being called Rin startled "Huh?"Little Rin is asleep above his brother with his ass looming, snored loudly with a drool coming out of his mouth and his eyes half open. He was more like a drunk porcupine than a kid taking a nap. Even so, he is adorable. "He cares about his family and isn't a bad kid…" Father fujimoto goes on
After all my family is my heaven, but i was not a good kid
"But he get violent when he's angry and can't control his strength"
Yes, my bad. i am sorry, i am still trying
"so he makes a lot of enemies"
Even so, you are always there by my side. Why are you willing to do that? Is it to keep me aligned? to maintain me? to keep the others from me? After all, you did not fully be completely honest with me, only Yukio.
"Should I teach him how to fight as an exorcist alongside Yukio?"
No you didn't do that, you don't want to teach me how to fight, you don't want me to be an exorcist 'cause of that malignant flame, because it just makes it more difficult to control me right?
"I wondered that for along time" Father fujimoto sighed as if he had thought about the future of the world, "But gave up on it"ah, even though Rin already knew about it, he was still taken aback when the answer had neatly arranged on his plate"Huh?"
I am sorry
It's must hard to always be by my side with your sheeny mask. Truthfully, you don't want me to be alongside you and Yukio right? You shouldn't have saved me, I shouldn't have been bo…
"Instead, I'll teach him how to cook!"
Smiling broadly with full passion and glory, father Fujimoto spilled the tea, "That's why I've been practicing but…Anyway, this one will study here with me."
Wait...what?
"Why?" Rin dumbfounded by the unexpected proclamation"Because cooking is mental and physical"
Huh? W…wait a second, does that mean…after all this year's dad teaching me how to cook was because…
"He needs to learn how to control his power"
Like those old times when we made fish hamburger steak I always broke the eggs, dad always said it was too rough for them so that’s why I made those eggs cry…
Dad teaching me how to cook to helped me to control my power, dad helped me to be gentle
"...and to think about who he's doing things for"
those times when I mix the flour, fish meat and eggs too much, it gets pasty. And make the beaten bowl crying too
Dad teaching me how to cook to use my power to help others, to use my power for a noble cause
"After all he says he wants yukio to eat his cooking"
Yukio likes his food to have some grains. So i made a little texture on the steak so it taste little better
Dad teaching me how to cook so that i can gain another's faith, to belief in me
"It means everything that yukio isn't scared of Rin"
I remember I was struggling to make that, because I knew that Yukio would love a fish hamburger steak
And that time when we eat together, when I see his small and cute yet pleased and cheerful smile, Oh…no words can explain how happy I am.
Dad teaching me how to cook so that i can secure my blissfulness, my serenity, my heart and my life
After all
“It is the little things which reveal the chapters of the heart”. - Ellen G. White
&
The best portion of a good man’s life - His little nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love.” - William Wordsworth.
"Maybe it's wrong for me to be a teacher and a dad in the kitchen...but i don't know what's right anyway" Father fujimoto scrunched up his face as if he had just sipped a lemon"I am busy but yeah, I guess it's hard, but..."He turned his gaze back to his twin son "...when i look at them...i feel it's more that worth it": , )
There’s no word that can describe his blessedness face. After all… there is nothing can describe a parents love.
--- --- --- Rin lowered his head, after being attacked with the realization of the truth that he had been afraid of….now was replaced by various unbearable feelings that rose in his heart“Yeah.. “ Rin said “I can see that.”Rin couldn't hold back all the feelings and hastily stand up “well, i should be going”“Oh…sorry for talking your head off” Father Fujimoto said and throwing more than enough of the rice balls to Rin “here, take this leftover”“Uh?... thank you”“Just relay my message to The Vatican” father Fujimoto pleadedRin walked towards the door he had previously entered, “R..Right… well”
But wait…
“Good bye” Rin said unsure
Is it just like this?
Father Fujimoto turned around “Yeah, bye” Rin hand froze on the doorknob, unable to use it any further.
After all that happened, is it the end? Our talk…is it the last one?? my chance, my last chance to hear his voice, my wish to at least meet him, and the last time I tasted his homemade food.
Is that all? Can I meet him again? What if a miracle won't give me another chance like this?...The last time he gone.., i told him to never pretend to be my–t..that’s what killed him, I shouldn't do that, I must apologize, but, but- dad wouldn't want that, right?
Rin turned around to see his Dad’s back, the firm back that held so much weight, that previously held his little self when he cried, when he asked if he was a demon child, when… his dad so confidently denied it without hesitation…
Because everything he has given me, saved me, cared for me, raised me, embraced me, his patience whenever I made a problem, taught me to cook, taught me to always be kind, to use my power to help others…all of it...because…
He loves me…
“Dad…”His dad turned back to Rin “hm?” his eyes clearly knew his son was calling“...Thanks for everything” Rin smiled blissfully even his tears on the verge of falling“Aw” his dad looked back at him with full amour“It was nothing!”
In the course of time, a parent's timeless love does not require anything…
AND THAT'S IT! RIN CAN'T HOLD IT ANYMORE!
RIN RUN straight to his father's arms.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Rin hugs his dad so tightly, he doesn't want to lose him again. He knows he shouldn't do that even though Mesphisto said it will not make any difference because it’s wrong, because the dead cannot be alive again, because times can't just turn back just because of an embrace… but, Oh boy…do he ever wanna change that.“Dad! Dad th..ank you" Rin couldn’t help the way his chest and throat seemed to tighten to the point of suffocating him. His breath hitched in his throat"A..and sorry dad” Rin’s keep sobbing “I should have not yelled at you I shouldn't doubt you ‘cus you never doubt me, you always had been beside me, before. i am sorry so sorry” Even though his ribs were crushed, His dad returned the hug just as tightly as he could. “Hush..hush…it's okay Rin, it's okay, don't be sorry, I am right here now” thanks to that Rin cried even louder.His dad lets him shed his tears, brushing Rin's shaking back and frowzy white hair slowly with patience, trying to calm his son in his deep sobering Even though it hurts to admit it, The time he saw grown up Rin coming from that door, his first urge was to take the gun. He couldn't help it. The similarity of Rin with that abomination makes him agitated, damn Rin even has his white bluish hair! But he will never ever unrecognize his son, even if he turns into some animal-demon form, as a dad he will always know his son. His son, who is always full of energy, somehow looks like he was on the verge of deep misery. So he played the character of a busy exorcist slash dad and give a good portion of Rin's favorite food when Rin's stomach grumbles and then it turns out like this. It makes him sad to see his son crying in such a miserable state.What's happened to his brash, cheery and kind son to be in the state like this? He knew somehow Mephisto had a hand on this, some kind of time travel game? One of his messed up plans? Whatever it is, he is sure going to kick the demon's ass! whether he is a demon king or an old friend. God may be forgiving, but Shiro is not. "Calm down Rin, calm down...take a breath with me,""B..but dad ever..ting i-""Everything is alright Rin, just follow my breath first okay?"Rin nodded, Slowly but surely with his dad help Rin could calm down a little bit, although with puffy eyes and his voice and ears are still sore from all the crying"There you go, want some hot green tea? It will help you" his dad gave a hot cup of tea that had been prepared out of nowhere into his hand."Th..thank you" slurping the hot tea, bit by bit, in the old kitchen full of memories, side by side with his dad makes him more relaxed, and a small smile forms on his face again after a long time...His dad chuckled "there is the cute smile of my adorable son!"Rin blushed and pouted "d-don't call me that old man!"His dad ruffled his hair, Rin usually snapped at his dad when he did this, but for this time he longed for it."Wait, woah!" His dad suddenly stopped "looks who grew a pair of snubby horns!""Dad, please stop!" Rin blocked his new horns with his hand from his father's praying hands "I don't know how they just grew from nothing in a night! it's still fresh!"His dad shocked. "It is? What happened rin?""Uuh…" Rin lost in words, he don't know if he can and should tell his dad, the story would be making his dad worried"Its okay if you don't want to tell me" his father seems like reading his mind, "but if you will, i will try my best to help you son and don't be worried about me after all i am your dad, it is my job to hear and help you out"At first Rin is still hesitant to tell his dad, but when he sees the warm smile and the certainty in his dad's face that promise of strength and succor. Rin loses it.And then Rin tells everything from that time Rin knows satan living in Yukio eye, how Yukio shoots him and then his sword broken, that lead to his body own instant cremation, how he meet his demon self that nearly burns his friends, and then when he finally get a hold for himself Mephisto gives him the mumbo jumbo time traveling VIP movie seat for seeing his mom, dad and satan story, how the order making section 13 to applease that damn lucifer, how messed up place in there and slowly all of that turn into big blue tragedy, watching in chaos when his newborn blue gremlin self commit arson and mass murders in just a second after birth and observes how his mother lost her life for her sons.His dad just listens to him carefully, sometimes giving him placation and probing when Rin is having trouble telling what he has been through, pouring up his feelings and pent up emotions for all this time to his dad, somehow it makes him feel good even though just a little bit.".a..and then you take us, and mephisto said cus to making us to be w-weap-""Hush, Rin.." his dad shushes him out before he can continue, "whatever they said is not true, you knew it right? When i and Yu-your mom escaped"Rin nodded"I said that we could lives together, yukio and your mom and i as dad, we would tend our little but happy family lives together, we are gonna farming in our small farm far away from the other, we are gonna making some hot delicious rice balls together, eating them while watching the seasons changes every single year of our lives and that's very true."His dad held his cheek in his arm slowly and stared at his eyes, Rin can see there's a hint of tears appeared from his dad eyes that were filled with conviction"Rin, you and Yukio are my sons, I promised to her to raise both of you. Even if is not like that, from the start there's never a second in my mind a doubt both of you are my son""Dad.." Rin started to crying again"Oh my boy, you have been going through too much, but i know you are strong Rin""B-but dad its hurts, whatever i did, it-it seems didn't work, i broke everything i touch, i am so useless...even though i keep trying i-""Then keep trying Rin, that's what is good about you""Daad…" Rin don't know if he feels insulted or reassured"You know what the greatest strength is?""The one who can kick satan's ass?"His dad laughed "Close! But it's not that""Huh?""Listen Rin" his dad held his hand firmly close to his heart
"The greatest strength is not in Never Falling, but in Rising every time we Fall"
Rin stunned trying to comprehend what his dad has said"And I know you have that, well you see, you knew you did wrong and you want to fix it...even though the world seems against you, you still believe that you and the world will get better, You who are trying to live the right way are truly wonderful. So please keep moving forward and love yourself like that too."Tears seem to be coming from Rin's eyes. again. "The thing you shouldn't do is think yourself useless, please forgive your little self too...and please stop blaming something that's nobody's fault on yourself, okay?"His dad wiped the tears that kept flowing from Rin eyes"I know it hurts and seems hard, when destiny calls you like this Rin, but you must be strong, after this or before I may not be with you, but you've got to hold on"And then gently yet firmly embraced Rin's trembling figure
"Even Though this is just one time of an embrace, this everlasting embrace will always be with you…"
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It feels so long yet so fast. This embrace that holds Rin’s longing body for warmth and home feels like a blink of an eye. His dad's firm body against his, his dad’s familiar scent with a faint smell of warm rice steam, it’s like the petrichor that comes when rain falls he ever yearns.“D-daddy?” a small trembling voice broke the serene“Who is that?” another voice urge for answerThe father and son took off their embrace and stared at the two pairs of eyeballs which were still drowsy that belonged to the twins who had just woken up
Crap we forgot my and Yukio small version!
“Oh Ho! Rin! Yukio!” His dad woke up from shock and rushed to the twins.“He, He is just umm-my colleague” his dad answered the question too fast. Small Yukio tilted his head and stared intently at Rin's face, it made Rin feel uncomfortable with little Yukio's gaze that’s like a small professional detective, Yukio always has that in him, and it's terrifying.“But daddy, he looks like you and both of you h-hugged and cried? Do-do colleagues do that?” Rin could see the bars on his dad's head turning to give the right answer but not really ‘the right’ answer, “well, he is also my long lost nephew eheheh and we just met so can you both go to your bedroom and continue your nap? Oh yes and also take this warm rice balls i made this for both of you” “Yay! Food! Thank you daddy!” Little rin jumped and cheered, food always makes him and his tummy happy, “But did you give him too? He seems to need it,” said Little Rin while looking at Grown up Rin. “and oh, I am Rin by the way, why is your hair white? You're not an old man like my daddy, right? You're not sick right?”“No i-” Aghast by his younger self lots of questions, “I mean yes, i've got the rice balls, plenty. And uh thank you for the concern? And no i am not old and not sick it's just-well my natural hair” Rin really needs to learn how to lying“Wow! Is it true?” small rin's eyes twinkled and he rocked Yukio'’s excitedly looking for his brother accord “Cool!! isn't that cool Yukio?” Shyly Yukio answered his beaming brother “I guess, yes? nii-san” Skepticism seems to sprout from his demeanor whether it is from his own agreement or the vague answer he got.“Okay, okay now Yukio, Rin” his dad tried to stop before more complicated questions came out of the little twins “both of you don't want the rice balls getting cold right? If both of you want to eat in the kitchen me and him can go out for a little so we dont disturbing your eating,”“What whyy????” Said little rin hugging his dad’s leg “why not chat in here? With us?”“Yeah daddy, we dont mind, And also we-we don't know his name yet” said little Yukio also restraining his dad and Grown up Rin’s from running“Oh right! What's your name?” asked little Rin “I've given my name and this is my little brother Yukio. We are twins, so it's rude if you don't give your name, daddy said that so many times” little Rin pouted.Between the stern hesitant gaze from little Yukio and the curious demanding gaze from little Rin and his dad confusion Rin’s answer what first comes to his mind“Well uh, uhm i am Rin-Rinka”
Greeeaaat, why did that name the first ones to come to my mind!? Very smart rin, very smart! It’s not like I feel a connection with Satan, no! Big hell NO! But it's one of mom’s names. Yeah that’s it.
His dad looked at the grown up rin with shock and an unreadable face.“Rinka? Huh that sounds like mine, but what a strange name, but nice to meet you, Rinka-niisan!” said little Rin with big smileAnd at the same time Yukio answered with a bow. “Nice to meet you Rinka-san” “nice to meet both of you too” Rin smiled in returnSuddenly a loud cringe ringtone disturbed their little chat“aiish! It’s 5 o’clock, I promised to help Shura, I am sorry boys but I must go for a while, it won't be long, I promise!” his dad hurriedly goes to the sound and running out from the kitchen“Daddy is busy,” said little yukio sheepishly“Yeah” grown up rin agreed that little rin goes to take both of little Yukio and grown up rin’s hand “Yukio, Rinka-niisan, let’s eat the rice balls together in the playground!”“Wait, what why?” grown up rin startled with the sudden invitation“Nii-san you can just ask people like that”“Huh? Why not? The playground have nice wind and there's birds too, you love eating in there so maybe Rinka nii-san love that too”“Uh-if you say so nii-san” said little yukio meekly, he knows when his brother wants something it will be very hard to dissuade him, because...his older brother has that. Something that shines to the others…if-if yukio could has that too…“But da-your dad would be searching for us if we just gone..” said grown up Rin that grew some brain cells“Eeeh we can write and leave a message for daddy, ah i mean Yukio can and it won't be long to eat rice balls in the playground, and the playground is near and beautiful, and yukio loves it, and you will like it to Rinka-niisan, i knew it! so please please please! ” Little Rin begged with those irresistible blue big puppy eyes that can melt even a frozen queen-ice heart.And so…. The three boys go together to the park with their handful of steaming rice balls whose steam is carried by the wind. It's indeed close to the church and somehow grown up Rin knew the path to the said playground. It's strangely familiar...When the playground can be seen, little Rin hurriedly goes to an empty swing and throws his butt to a swing’s seat “Oh ho! The swing is waiting for us! Come Yukio you can have the swing seat with me and Rinka-niisan the other one!” With smiles little Yukio runs to the beaming adorable gremlin, leaving grown up Rin stunned in his heelsthe playground it's his favorite place to loosen up his worries, it's the same playground when the last time he had fired from his job and to shy to go home meeting Yukio, his dad and the other priest. It's the place where Yukio found him and finally bring him home, just before all the demons things come.Come to think of it, of course Yukio can find him at that time, it's their favorite place when they were child, it is a place full of memories.“Are you okay, Rinka-san?” little yukio worried“Ah, yes, sorry!” arise from his reverie, grown up rin goes to the other swing and getting pleased smiles from the twins in returnThey sit together for a while eating their steaming rice balls made in Daddy Fujimoto while enjoying the delightful evening atmosphere. It's peaceful , the weather is vastly breezy, even though birds keep flying to and fro to return to their nest and they can hear the birds sing a song in harmony, they could see the fluffy cloud moving in the sky and the warm red brilliance of setting sun spread between the clouds make beautiful pillars of light up the place.It's a lovely evening picnicWith his little self and little yukio Little Rin is right. He loves it.Suddenly little yukio shaking “Ni nii-san” dread comes out in his trembling voice, little rin immediately went into alert mode, knowing what's happening “The little fairies come again, Yukio?” “Y-yes”“Where??” little rin jump up from the swing and prepare to launch attack“On-on the corner nii-san” little Yukio pointed at one corner of the playground right under the shadow of a large, dense tree and indeed there's a hobgoblin jumping and chuckling at them.Without hesitation little rin bolt to the said corner, makes the hobgoblin flew further away“It’s running nii-san!”“Okay Yukio, trust in me!” little rins run fast at the place little Yukio directed.grown up rin stand ready to run, but stopped by a small body that trembles on his feet“No! please don't, don't leave me” little yukio hugged his leg tightly in shiver, Tears poured from his eyes covered with large glasses.It's heartbreaking yet seems a warm feeling spreads in his heart. his little version of his little brother hugged him tightly like he used to be before. He was sad to see it but also longing when his little brother was looking for help from him.“Ssh shh, its okay Yukio” grown up rin crouched and weep little yukio tears “i am in here, no need to be afraid, i will protect you” “B-but nii-san”“im he- i mean,” Rin tried to arranged words on his head “it;s okay, We will also going to follow him, so you don't need to be afraid, just calm down, take a breath, its okay” patting Little Yukio's shoulder to calm him down, his little yukio seems between crying and annoyed“I hate it”"Huh?""I hate my self"
What why? How? What's wrong? Why did my little little brother, Yukio, say that? It's because i am patting him? Doesn't he like that when he is this small?
"What! why?"Little yukio pouted a raging blizzard shine through his teary eyes"I-i always scared, I can't do anything except c- crying, I- i am useless, hopeless, a coward. Always being protected by nii-san," little yukio trembling more harshly, keeping his hidden rage in his tiny body "li-like in school with those bullies and now, e-even though nii-san can't see it but he always protects me, i hate it!"Rin shocked lost in little yukio spitfire "y-yukiio..""I ha-hate Nii-san too! He-he is always going away to do his own thing, he dont need me! He doesn't rely on me! Why? We are brothers, twins! w-why it so hard? Why doesn't he trust in me too?"And little yukio cried more loudly all the bundled up rage throwing up in his ugly cry "I hate it! I hate it! I don't want to be weak, I don't want to be a coward, I want to protect him! I-i want to be strong enough so he can rely on me! I want to be strong like RIN!! And trust in ME!!! HUWAAAAAA!!!!" "Yu-yukio…" rin didn't know what to do, what should he do when that big lump of feelings and painful contention came out of his little brother's mouth… so he just does what he knows. "Ssh ssh i am sorry, i am so sorry" Rin hugs little yukio quivering figure, "N-no Rinka san don't, It's true, i-i am useless, i am just a coward. i am weak-"
Okay, it's enough! Enough just for me who hates himself. I will never let yukio go through the pain of hating his own self!
"Stop! You are not weak, not a coward! You are not useless! Who dares say that!?" Rin needs to stop this"You are not all of that yukio believe it, you will become strong! You have it in you Hell! you are strong and smart and handsome many girls and boys will be coming to you""W-what?""It's true and dad and the other priest and me-i mean your Nii san are proud of you! Like... very proud! You are just that amazing!" "B-but I am not! It-its Rin that is awesome! Rin always brave enough to goes ahead even the opponent is scarier without a second times to think, he is strong, very strong always protect me and help the other even animals who needs him, he is not smart for school b-but he is smart at cooking and making everyone smile, and somehow knew something everybody else cant guest, Rin is amazing than me!"
Yukio really think highly of me.. too highly i am no more amazing than you Yukio
"NO! You are MORE amazing!” Rin screaming from his lungs “I mean teaching at 15 years old? And at the same time a full fledged exorcist with two meisters!""Wait Rinka san, what did you say?""Eh ah forget that…” startle a little bit but composing himself again“Yukio, you are more amazing and stronger than what you give credit for…” Rin arranges everything he knows, “w-when to think of it you also brave Yukio even though you are small, you can face demons and are brave enough to start learning exorcism!” everything he wants to say to his beloved twin, “You are smart! Smarter than the other kid even. Learning an advanced curriculum outside your age! Learn exorcism at your age even I, can't understand it“ pouring all at once so it can get thoughts to Yukio's heart, “Yukio, you are strong, dad just told me that the strongest strength is not literal strength like a punch! punch! kick! win! And never lose but in rising every time we lose, we fallen, but never give up and stand again…” trying to stop the disaster that he just knew, now was startled from this early on, “ Yukio, you always do that dont you?” Rin trying to connect the loose strings that both of them have, their strength.“You are strong everytime you fall you always get up and learn more to win the next time"
Afterall its Yukio who is strong that makes Rin become Strong
"Rin-rinka san?""So stop hating yourself and trust more in yourself Yukio," Rin brushing his little twin hair fondly
"You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think ah no i think you know you are smarter than other kids, don't you?" Rin smile and little yukio chuckled at the tease
"T-thank you Rinka san" "But still you need to tell your brother, he is not smart and you know it…" Rin scratching his un-itching head, acknowledging his own stupidness "so you need to tell him what you really feel or else he doesn't know"Seems worried little yukio fidgeting his clothes "But I-i don't think I can…""You can i know you can, and both of you need it too,”Rin gazes at Yukio's big teal eyes, the same eyes that he has, the same eyes which store burning flames and vorating blizzards "You know yukio? that your inner blizzard will blazing out if you keep them hidden for too long, and it's not healthy for yourself. Okay?"Nodding, little yukio answered "O-okay, i'll try""that's Yukio i knew!"And then both of them listening to the birds sweet melodies and breeze caress harmonies, savoring their serene dusk yet full of life...
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Time goes so swiftly, the dusk shine is nearly gone and the twilight sky slowly goes ashen, but little Rin has not come back. It makes Rin and little Yukio worry
“Let’s search for him” ask Grown up Rin
“Yes, I bet nii-san is lost,
again.”
little yukio sight
“
i hope he is alright”
Without further ado, Grown up Rin takes little yukio's hand and gets up from where they were waiting to start their search.
The playground is near a little dense forest and because the last time they see little rin runs straight to a dense tree near the said forest, they go to it.
When they go into the forest the temperature drops fast. On the sky the crowd of clouds forming, sending snowflakes to the terrain…The terrain is neither smooth nor harsh so little Yukio can still walk although Grown up Rin is worried because it is slippery from the snow and their surrounding getting dark (not a problem for him though, there was nothing different from his sight before and after dark)
“Are you sure you can walk?”
“Yes, Rinka-san,” said little yukio even though he nearly tripped over a rock
Stubborn as usual… well, I could use my flame but, wait, doesn't little Yukio already know about our heritage? Nah, whether he knows or not it’s not a good idea.
Little by little, slowly but surely they stroll around the forest racing with the dark and cold that's coming. Grown up Rin in front holding Little Yukio's hand in case he fell, and also to prepare whatever demons come through their way, Rin cant see them yet but he sure can feel an amount of demons lurking in the darks. And sure a giggling came from the bushes in front of them
“Rin-rinka-san…”
“It’s okay”
Rin walking closer to the giggling sound with little yukio following behind, beyond the bushes Rin could see a woman with
one
eye?
Wait what??
With white pupil that is surrounded with sclera as dark as an abyss
.
She has long unkempt white hair and ghastly pale skin, she wears dirty, tattered kimono that seems made by tree’s barks, she is dainty somehow but surely hideous.
“T-th-that’s yamaube” little yukio said with fear
“Yamaube?”
“Y-yes, yamaube or yamahime, they
ride in mountains and forests. Th-they
usually look just like ordinary elderly women, with no sign of their e-evil nature until they attack.” little yukio answered in a whisper “ D-don't they teach that too in cram school?”
“Well, that, uum Maybe?”
How can a going to be exorcist student already know that? Damn I really need to pay more attention in class.
“
OoH TheRe You ARE!”
The one eyed woman suddenly appeared too close to their faces with big smile full of piercing teeth
“AAaaAAaagh!” little yukio fall screaming, Grown up Rin felt his (human) heart almost pop out of his throat, in a split second Yamaube snatch little yukio and flew away faster than lightning
“WAIT!” Grown up Rin tries to catch them but every time he steps on the ground the ground changes into smelly black mush, Rin jumping and trying to reach tree stalks that suddenly turn into slithery eels, all those nasty things surround his body tightly making him hards to take a breath
Shit! Shit! Why is it always like this? No! I can't accept this! I can't lose my little yukio! NO! I CAN NOT LOSE HIM
AGAIN!
“GO AWAY!”
blue flames spreads, blowing everything up and obliterated whatever things that held him, within seconds the light gone...all can be seen just scorching dirt and ashes, there's nothing…at all
no sight of living being
no sign of Little Yukio…
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
In deep wilderness little yukio froze in his body on the arms of cold cachectic hands, he can't move, and to scared to do anything all he can do just stare to yamaube dreadful face. He is scared. He wants to cry, to scream for help, from anybody, from his brother…
It's always like this
After all that talking with rinka-niisan about being stronger, stronger enough to be reliable to protect his brother. All of that seems just sheer
nonsense.
Why always like this?
He is still scared, he is still weak, he is unreliable, and always needs help from others.
I hate myself…
“Ooh my,” Yamaube said, flying away to retreat at the blue light behind her and gazing at Yukio's pitiful states. “LoOk at YoU, ihihihiihihih so pAthEtic!!” Her laugh was so loud it made Yukio's ears buzz, his body trembled even more “oOh Oh DoNt ScArEd I’ll KeEp YoU SaVe IhIihIHiiIiIH'' cooed her
Waking up from his freeze, little Yukio shock and muttered “s-save?”
“SucH a fOol cUb! Ihihihihihihih WitHout KnoWing! YoU StanDing tOo clOsE to tHaT MeNacE!”
Wait a second did she w-worried him? The frightful
yamaube worried him???
Yukio little mind’s find it strange for a demon paying attention to humans (and shame for getting worried by a demon). isn't a demon always creepy? Scary? His experiences with demons always ends with him crying in fear.
But didn't his daddy say that not all demons are bad? He says exorcists also use demons' help, especially tamer exorcists making a contract with demons to do their job. So what about Yamaube? Can he compromise with Yamaube?
Little Yukio doesn't know if he can do that.If that is possible. But.. he must try his best doesn't he? So he clenched his fists and mustered up his courage. He must be strong. To be back, back home, to meet rinka-niisan, to meet his daddy, to find and meet Rin. (and scold him)
Let's try to be strong! I can do this!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Little rin cannot cry
He shouldn't be crying…because he is an older brother.
He should have been strong, strong enough to protect his little brother
Strong enough to keep harms away
Strong enough to make yukio feel safe
Strong enough to keep yukio smile
But… there he is…
Crying alone freezing with bruises all over his limbs in a dark forest in a deep hole, after clumsily falling when he trying to shoo away the invisible fairies
He is not strong…enough
He failed to achieve all of that,...
Yukio did not smile
Yukio did not feel safe
Yukio was scared, he cried,
It's always like this.
Everytime he tried to protect yukio he always end up in problem himself,
Why always like this?
He should be strong enough to help others, to help yukio. But he always ends up making more mess for them.
I hate myself…
Little Rin cried, all by himself, falling snowflakes covered his trembling body inside a deep hole, in a dark forest, with bruises and scratches forming from head to toe, red, blue and ugly, especially his left leg, its look swollen in dark blue bruises and so painful.
He is hurt, he is cold. He feels miserable. He feels alone, he is
scared.
He misses them, his little brother, his daddy, everybody in the church and rinka-niisan. He wants to meet them again. He should have listened to yukio and rinka-niisan, if they just eat the rice balls in the kitchen then, maybe this would never happen, they would be eating in the warmth of their kitchen until daddy gets home. daddy must be worried when finding them missing, and yukio and rinka-niisan too must be worried him for not coming back right now, maybe if he can meet yukio and daddy again he will be scolded
again
… rinka-niisan too (he looks like daddy).
But at least they are safe, aren't they?
Or do they try to find him right now?
….
No, Little rin can not let them in danger, little rin can not make them worried more for him, he must get back to them. To home, to rinka-niisan, to daddy, to yukio.
Little Rin doesn't know if he can do that. If that is possible. But.. he must try his best doesn't he?
Little Rin tried to stand but his left leg failed him, so he searched for help, reaching roots on the wall hole with his arms that felt less painful. And with strong hold he endured the pain and mustered all his strength to climb up
Let's try to be strong! I can do this!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Rin keeps running and running and running but he only feels like running in a circle.
His search for little rin and little yukio hasn't come to see the end
The forest is strange everytime he goes, every time he jumps. He always turns back to zero point, to the point when he has lost little yukio, when he burns up and ashen all living beings.
Again...
His stomach aches. All the memories of his baby gremlin-self incinerating peoples come back to him,
The heat from his brilliant blue flames.
The scream of people in pain
the smells of their burned corpses.
It's always like this
He is sick
His head was dizzy and his ears were ringing. He can hold it anymore… He wants to puke all he has eaten before…
He is pathetic
Even though He knows it...deep down… he just wants to protect all his beloved ones. His mom. His dad, father Fujimoto and Yukio.
But he always fallen to achieve that…
Why is it always like this?
After that talk with his dad about strength. About him being his son, not just another demon-weapon project.. after all of that seems just sheer
bullshit
!
I hate this!
He is fed up with this, with how he fell into that rabbit hole everytime he stumbled on a problem, everytime he became disgusted with himself, he wanted to stop. Stop obsessing about the thing he can't control, stop running in a circle of hating himself, hating his flame, hating his ownself and forgive what he did before. In the end all those things are in the past…( or now in the future? Damn this time travel thing hurt his brain)
He hopes to learn to get over himself. Get over it, keep climbing and jump out from that deep shit rabbit hole abyss
After all His dad said the greatest strength is not in never falling isn't it? But it comes from rising again every fall…
Let's try to be strong! I can do this!
So he takes a breath like his dad taught him before, slowly and deeply every breath he takes and out, making a puff of fumes coming from his mouth. He can feel his flame that was smoldering before becoming calm and warm, his headache slowly lessen, and his ringing ears softly gone.
He opens his eyes and sees his surroundings, eels of trees and the mushy ground are around him moving in tandem. That's not normal. That's not real. It's the same when he gets hallucinations and delusions when he sees Hachiro's eyes. When he helped shura. The forest where he stands and running in a circle before are an illusion from a demon.
He closed his eyes and took a breath, trying to focus on controlling his heart and the blue flame(demon) he has. He was scared and still scared with that flame after seeing how dangerous the flame is, how destructive it is, how terrifying it is. But...it's
his
flame, his own. Not satan. He shouldn't be scared of his own self, doesn't he? And he should have and can control it before. Moreover, His flame is also the one who helps him close the gehenna gate and save shiro's body, his flame helping him to save his friends from Naberius, from Amaimon, from zombies, from all those demons they come into. His flame also saved Kyoto from the Impure king! Even with the Ucchusma help. His flame is not all that bad. It helps him to save others. And didn't Shiemi say his flame is not hot? But warm. And Kuro said his flame is beautiful. So Rin will try to love that part of himself too….his flame (demon self.)
Rin focuses his flame on his chest... feeling the warmth spread through his body and beyond to his surroundings. In no time…azure flame ignited the forest and all the illusion of eels trees and mushy ground unraveled, leaving dense trees and white little flowers covered in snow.
And then he heard a whimper..
Quickly He turn around to see the origin of the sound, between trees there’s a
giant
spider as big as a car with mouth full of piercing hook and six of bloodshot eyes glaring at him
Shit.
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