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I'm having issues talking and it's getting worser. Now, I don't want to speak to others anymore. It hurts me too much. What am I supposed to do now? I'm really trying my best to cope and it's not working. How do I even cope?
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How am I supposed to say "I love you". When I don't have a heart to feel. Am I supposed to lie and pretend have a heart.
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Why can't I be better? I'm really trying. But I always mess things up. I always do. One moment, I'm happy in a few minutes I'm feel with negativity. I should have done better. I should be better. I better be better. I'm always making promises to please others but always fail. It's my fault. Isn't it? It's been my fault. For ever. It wiil always be my fault no matter what.
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I should stop eating breakfast at my school to own up all my mistake. It's for the best. I deserve being starved. It's okay.
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Destiny to the dying fateFate to the dying age. It can no longer hide from what it can face. Shocked up in fear of their red liquid. Thinking about a knife to slit their wrist and thighs. Or should they grab a chair and a rope? Put the rope tied to the ceiling fan and shape it into a noose for their head to go in. Maybe? They will do that? But what they did do before?Did they write a suicide note to get a better grip to get to know themselves better? Better than everyone they ever met and seen in life. Living in a place filled with negativity and caution poisons the mind of children and adults.Nowhere for them the emotionless freak to go and feel free from the trauma others cause them. No one to talk to without being betrayed and alone month after a month on end. It's going to get the end of them.The end of their life. Their eyes which used to be the past bring warmth and light. Now in the present time, Their eyes bring coldness and dullness to their heart. Their own heart that's struggling to keep up with the emotions. Were their emotions overlapping or lacking in situations where they have to make a choice?Every Second. Every Minute. Every Hour. Every Day. Every Week. Every Month. Every Year. Every Decade.They feel like their memories are passing away like their emotions. Why should they live when they have no motive to live anymore? It doesn't matter. They won't even remember who they were. What they wanted to be growing up. The places they wanted to visit. Their desire is going to pass away like dust in the wind.Slowly but thinking to die.Destiny to the dying fate.
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Why should I seek it? I accept it and it always will be. It's useless now because it's my of what happened. I can't change the past now. Others will still remember what I have done. I can't forgive myself. I'm not even a good person. Like, have no motive. When I ask myself if I have a reason to live. My mind goes blank. Do I have a reason to go forever? Not anymore.It's so illogical how I feel so empty when I do things I like doing. Do I hate it? I don't know. Is there something that I'll try? No. I already gave up. Why? A bunch of suicide experiments and notes are full from most of my notebooks already. All, I can think about is my secrets, diaries, the future, and death. That's it. It's not okay. I need help but where? How can I fix my heart? I don't think my heart can be fixed.It's already too late. I already feel emptiness in my heart and pretend around people. For who knows long? 3 years? Since 5th grade? I started to feel emptiness. It's my fault. I should have known sooner. Ask for help from adults. Instead of balling it up and throwing it in the trash. Trashy memory. I can't remember how long I smile, loved, and had actual positive moments/feelings. It's way too late now. I'm an idiot. So stupid poor memories.
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I have this urge to hold my tooths not even caring about the blood. Keeping it with me forever in a bag. Sucking the blood with my tongue. It's so strange. It's not okay at all. I don't like sweets anymore. It makes my tooth hurt so bad that I don't want to eat anymore. It's a weird urge. It's not okay. But, I want to do it anyways. I think it's okay. I'm sure it is.
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Whenever I ask myself what's my motive. Most of the time it's nothing. It's hatred. I hate myself to bring pain.
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Changing all at once, But still dull insideNo matter, How many tears they shedNo one was thereTo hear, listen, care, be around, and be honest with themNo matter, How many masks they put on around othersNo one had yet noticed their painAnd their cry's to comfortTears after TearsUsed after UsedBetrayal after BetrayalBullied after BulliedSexualized after SexualizedRegret after RegretGuilt after GuiltMemories after Memories Slowly vanishing as the wind passes bySlowly forgetting who they areSlowly doesn't know the motive of their lifeSlowly want to rip their heart outBut, It's turning into an urgeBlood coming down their wounds and cutsCovering themSkin becoming slowly paleEyes coming dullGrabbing the knifeSlowly cutting the entrance to their heart.Slowly taking it and admiring itFeeling it between their fingersTaking the heartPutting it near their lipsA pink tongue covered with salviaSlowly coming outTeeth showing more and moreSuch pretty white teeth to chomp onOpening their mouth wider and widerTo see a pretty set of gorgeous white teethPutting the heart inside their mouthThe pink tongue covered with salviaDancing around to itThe juice taste so amazing and sweetBut, Staining their teeth with a white-to-pink fadeSlowly their teeth came downRed juice coming down at a slow paceFrom their now dark red up glossy juicy lipsRipped a piece outSo chewy and yummy to their tummyPack with so much flavorWho knew how it would taste to be amazing?Maybe their kidney would do the same.It's big and squishyWhat a shameIt's all part of their imaginationHey, At least they are being truthful to themselvesMore and more oftenIn the past, They lied to themselvesTo please others so they don't get hurt badlyThe good thing is that when they get hurtIt's that they slowly coming used to itBut, The bad part is that they slowly lose themselvesThen they can realize itWhat a pityWhat a poor pityA poor pity that they can't hold themselves accountableNow, In the present in 2022Even, Though they can't promise to findAnother motive to live againThere's a new promiseThat they are going to keep with them in the endNo matter what, They will be with them and don't cover for anyone anymore.
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Today I went to the buffet and get a cup of sprite and ice cream, 4 plates of food, Vegan sushi made me throw up 3 times. I didn't want to eat. But I did it anyway. I hate my self and I'll always will. Hatred is why I eat and starve.
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My hatred can turn into any emotions and switch back. But can it turn into love? Pure love. I don't think so. I can't remember when the last time I felt love. I don't know if it's hatred or empty ness. I don't know at all. Is it okay not to have a motive to live? Is it okay?
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I believe in the supernatural like skin walkers. I want to study religion and learn. Religion always had a big impact on my life. I want to write everything I know. The truth. The lie. And the theory.
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Leave me be, and Shut upUgh. They can't shut up.Always criticizing meBecause of my so called mistake.And, Keep telling me what to do.Because in their eyes.I don't live up to their standard.Even though, I don't see myself as human.Still mean I have a choice like others.I can chose what I want to do.I hate it all.Their stupid lines keep coming back to me.In a pitch dark room with no glow or shadows.Just me in my true form hearing.You are so quiet.Why don't you talk to others?It's none of your concern.Why are you so different to others?Please, Go away.Just, Let it go and stop being suspicious.Shut up your mouth.Do you think that your manipulative to others?Leave me alone.Are you scared of others?Give me a break.Why are you feel of emotions when someone do something to you?I need piece of quiet.Do you think more of yourself than others?Open the door to my freedom.
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I feel empty. I still feel empty. Do I need a reason to live? It feel so wrong to ask that question. It does. I'm so confused. Should I just give up or wait? Do I deserve life? I don't know. I feel so empty. My eye looks dull, skin is pale?, And terrible thoughts.I don't know why.Do I need help?So empty?How should I live in this world?Do I have to have emotions?Emotions, What a powerful thing.Tears after tearsMotive after motiveEmptyness after emptyness Help mayb3?Who needs what?Should I cry until I forget?
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Ugh. So many thoughts running at one.Can't keep up. Which one should I or they chose?Hold up. Who are they?Are they me or someone else? Is it a shadow or glow?
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The Gardner is so peaceful and quiet. They always dream of having a garden. A garden is full of Vegetables, Fruits, and Flowers to give to charity. That dream has to wait a bit longer before everything becomes much worse. Hopefully, It not going to ruin the plan for the garden. If it did, The Gardner will try their best to piece it together. What a precious soul they have. It might be kindness.
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I don't want to be alone on my birthday again. It's so lonely. Tears will fall again. Anger and sadness will fuse into one. The body is too weak as paper. Can't show any positivity in this void. It's dark and empty. No light will fill this void. It's already too late.
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I don't want to be alone on my birthday again. It's so lonely. Tears will fall again. Anger and sadness will fuse into one. Body will become too weak as paper. Can't show any positivity in this void. It's dark and empty. No light will fill this void. It's already too late.
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When I try to hit the ball during connections. I miss. It was high in the air. When I saw everyone's faces. It looks like they were judging me. Like I was useless. Am I useless? A brick wall in everyone's way. I went to the bathroom and start crying. I can't get rid of their faces out of my mind. I need something to drink to calm down. Malta? I shouldn't drink. I need one of those stress toys to squeeze.
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Why do I have to be bullied? I'm so close to hurting someone. I always think about hurting others. But manage to handle it. I'm going to explode. I can't handle this hatred. The hatred that has been trying to overfill and break my mask. I have been bullied since elementary. Just a child. I'm not going to hesitate if someone hits me. Bite one, Be prepared to be bite back.
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I want to change. This lifestyle is not for me. I always wanted to die in life due to my suffering. Suffering for what I believe to be my mistakes. All of the pain, I put others through should be 988 times worse for me. I just want to change. Let me be free as a bird. I want to be a good person. I believe a good person help others.
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Gr00medChild abuseSelf-HatredVerbal bulliedS*xu*l h*rssm3ntEmotional NeglectS*dulic*l thoughtsWitnessing an act of violence I only have one motivate to live. That is making medicine. Goodbye?
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I realize it has been a few months since I last posted a chapter, but I need to address some issues. The first issue is my schedule; I have very little time to write now that I'm doing after-school activities and have meetings every Tuesday and Saturday. That leaves Sunday to rest and write a couple of chapters. Teachers are assigning more classwork, quizzes, and examinations now that spring has arrived and summer is approaching. Which is bad because the last issue is a large project I'm working on for my YouTube channel. On my YouTube channel, I'm putting together an adventure exploration series. I can't say the exact date, but I know it's in March. That's all I have to say. Thank you to everyone who has been supporting me. I'm going to post a chapter on March 26, 2024 Youtube: Halyn Selcouth