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What is the purpose of intellect?
Ahato pondered.It wasn't as if anyone cared for hers. What advice could a corpse give that the living couldn't deduce?She dug her claws into the tiled countertop beneath her.
What purpose did it ever serve?
Sure, she was smart when she was alive, but she still managed to get herself sanitized. So clearly, her intellect never helped much.How about when she was working under Kamabo? Did she ever need it then?Certainly not. She thought. It wasn't as if I was doing anything particularly hard.Her reflection stared back at her with tense shoulders and a persecuting gaze.Ahato averted her eyes to look down the sink instead.
Was my intellect ever of any value?
She tried to think back. Before the Metro. Before the Commander.Nothing but blanks.
There had to be something of worth in my mind. Otherwise Tartar wouldn't have had me work.
Though, that wasn't necessarily the case, was it?The soldiers certainly were far more cunning and level-headed. Selected for their specific assets they could apply to the tests. The cucumbers could relay information to each other across train lines in an instant.
What did I do?
She made music. Flavorless and ignorable music that anyone with half of a working mind would forget. Music that she dared to believe she put her hearts and soul into.
What use are hearts that don't beat?
It was hard not to laugh at the sentiment. Her hearts likely weren't worth anything back when they were beating. Certainly not enough for anyone to notice she deserted the military.And now that they've been rendered useless...
What have I done since? I made music that doesn't mean anything. Then I left the Metro, and continued doing nothing.
The ceramic edges of the sink were beginning to give her a headache. Reflecting the white light from above back at her with an aggressive glare. It stung her eyes, which long adjusted to the dark caverns of the Metro.
Now I have the audacity to hurt? I really am just a depreciating asset now, aren't I? I can understand why Tartar locked me away. Seems fitting for a creature as worthless as myself.
She left the lights on. The burn was comforting. Something that overpowered the soft glow of her suckers, and etched itself into the cold remnants of her skin.Her muscles began to hurt as well, beginning with a small spot by her shoulder. It felt as if a drop of water had splashed against the skin, and rippled up into the tense tissues of her neck, and down to the knotted fibers of her back.
A brain worthy of a beating, combined with a body that feels like it's taken one. What a lovely set of cards I've been dealt. A losing hand for a lost person.
Honestly, it's surprising that Ahato managed to scrape by anymore. Her muscles burned and ached as her eyes felt as if they'd pop out of her head at any second.
Is it enough to say that I tried? Am I enough for trying?
Ahato knew the answer.
Of course not. I shouldn't have tried at all. They shouldn't have wasted the resources on my failed attempts. An attempt without results is a net loss.
The ripples got stronger, carrying down to her knees as her grip on the counter weakend.She started to tremble.
What's the use of a corpse?
What value does a corpse bring to anyone?
What value do I have to anyone?
For a moment, the slow pulses of pain seemed to recede, drawing back as if they'd had enough of their torment.Ahato took the opportunity to straighten up her back, stretching it out to look at her reflection again.Her peace shattered when she looked up at herself.Her own face was staring back at her.Black eyes which sunk into her mantle. Veins that protruded from the side of her neck. Tentacles which hung limply as if they had nothing left to give.She was a corpse.A worthless, defective corpse.The ripples broke out in a wave. A wave that swept Dedf1sh off her feet until she landed flat on the bathroom floor.Her head hit the tiles with a splat, and she was left looking up at the searing light above her.
It was hard to look at anything else. Especially when it gave her a pain she so desperately craved. Not the ache of her body, or the ripples of her muscles, but a pain that proved something. Proved how weak she really was.
The white light began to turn into black splotches, and her hearing muffled as her pain increased.
She waited patiently for her vision to go black. Or for her ears to completely fail. But instead they started ringing. Like the dull hum of electricity when a room is completely silent.
Soon the sound was all she could hear. A constant drone that hurt just as much as the blaring lights.
Until a knock sounded on the door.
“Ahato, are you okay in there?” A soft sweet voice, with a uncharacteristic waver.
She was worried about her.
Instantly, Ahato scrambled up to her knees, trying desperately to appear normal as the panic set in. She tried to grunt an affirmation.
“Mhm!”
The door in front of her unlatched, and all the balance she worked hard to muster up fell away, causing her to fall to the floor again.
The door pushed open, revealing Callie behind it.
Ahato fumbled with her words, and tried to push herself up off the floor again. But the dark spots left in her vision made it hard to judge where anything was, so she kept twisting her hands in odd ways to try and stabilize herself.“Ahato! Are you alright?” Callie kneeled down beside her, blocking out some of the assaulting light. The dark patches in her vision still held strong, blotting out the entirety of Ahato’s periphery.The simple notion of being blind went from a comforting fantasy, to an ink-chilling fear. She couldn't see what was beside her. Even though she knew that the only things surrounding her were the walls, cabinets, and Callie.She couldn't find the guts to respond, instead freezing in place as she tried to talk herself out of the increasing anxiety that was building.
It's just Callie. She isn't going to hurt you. I can't let myself hurt her.
The dark splotches remained static, drowning out everything she could see. The waves of pain did the same.Callie’s breathing quickened slightly, and she placed her hand on Ahato’s shoulder.“Ahato! Are you okay?” She repeated. Her voice quickened in pace, as if Ahato was truly something to be concerned about.She couldn't let Callie worry over her like that. She deserved better.“F...f-fine,” Her raspy voice betrayed her, letting in a tinge of emotion that would certainly tip Callie off. She cursed internally at herself, and tried to keep her body from showing her current struggle.As expected, Callie picked up on the subtle shift in Ahato’s tone. She sighed, moving closer to Ahato, and holding her hand out for her. A sense of uneasy confidence seemed to wash over her.“What do you need me to do?”Ahato responded before she even had a chance to consider the implications of revealing something.“Lights.”Callie tilted her head, but after a moment, reached her hand up and flicked the light switch, swallowing them both in darkness.Her eyes felt the instant relief, but a part of her mind missed the pain the light brought with it. She knew it was wrong. To want something like that. But she couldn't help it. The pain from the lights grounded her in a way that nothing else did.The comfort the darkness felt wasteful. Comfort wasn't something a corpse needed. It was just another sunk cost. Something new that would be wasted on her.Callie's face was lit a dim blue from the faint glow Ahato’s suckers, shining on Callie's face. Her concerned expression cast shadows on her face, blotting out one of her eyes in the dark.“Is that better?”Ahato gave a small nod, but nothing more than that. She carefully attempted to inch away. Any distance between her and Callie would reduce her perception. Especially in the dark. Hopefully enough distance would save Callie.She stayed in place, but leaned slightly closer to Ahato. Her brow furrowed and she carefully reached her hand closer to Ahato, but she paused, holding it out halfway.“Ahato...please,” Callie started. Her voice was thick, as if something was caught in her throat, preventing her from finishing. “...please just talk to me.”Why? Why was Callie so intent on hurting herself like this? Why did she even bother putting in effort for her? It wasn't like she could do anything even remotely well. So why did she care?
Doesn't she knows a corpse has no value? Shouldn't she know that I have no value? Everything she does is just lost energy for her...
I don't want to hurt her like that.
Were the walls caving in? It was hard to tell in the darkness. It certainly felt like it, at least. Something felt... suffocating. As if Ahato had finally gotten her breath back, only for it to be strangled out of her again.
Why am I acting like this? Callie's an adult. She can make her own decisions.
But she's making the wrong decision.
If you care so much about her then why haven't you left her yet?
Is it possible that you enjoy hurting her?
The notion burnt itself into Ahato’s mind far better than any light ever could have. She pushed herself away from Callie, scrambling until she hit her head against the wall.A dull thud came to accompany the already familiar pain.And just that was enough to push her over.Ahato gasped. Not because she needed to breath, or because she even wanted to. To be honest, the sensation of breathing always felt uncomfortable. Having her lungs press up against her muscles was sickening most the time.But because she needed to scream.So she dealt with the discomfort of her lungs. Each muscle of her torso shifted, allowing her lungs to quickly expand.It was hard to tell when she started screaming. To Ahato, it felt the same to when she wasn't. All the vicious thoughts piled up behind her vocal chords, being let out in a choking, groaning scream.Her back arched, pressing her head deeper into the floor, as her claws scratched and scraped deeper into the floor’s tiles.She gasped again. And screamed again. Quieter this time. Shorter as well.It happened again, and again. Each breath carrying small, gasping screams along with it. Her body heaved with every single breath, making it ache with a tension which felt both new and familiar.Moisture seemed to condense in her face as well. Everything felt so wet. Strangely, she felt it in her nose first, but it seemed to make her eyes noticably damp.Why? Was water spilled on her face? Is something being pushed outside of her? It was all so new and confusing that she just kept quietly screaming.Callie moved forward, hand trembling as she held it out towards Ahato.“Ahato...Y-You’re crying,” She said. Her voice seemed to tremble as much as her hands. As if she was in similar pain. “Ahato, please don't shut me out! I want to help!”
“I-I...” She never remembered how talking while crying made her sound. It was hard to get a single word out, and even then it was distorted past recognition, making gargled sounds rather than words.
Callie sighed, and reached her hand just a little closer, almost closing the gap, but still leaving space between her and Ahato’s skin.“Just hold onto me.”It felt like it was her only option now. She reached out, shakily grabbing Callie's hand like a lifeline. Her hands unconsciously squeezed hers.
Why? Why did Callie open herself up to being hurt? Why is she still here?
Ahato thought those vicious thoughts would quiet when she accepted Callie's help, but they only got louder, and started to bite at her, making her sobs racked with guilt in tandem with the pain.Callie seemed oblivious to what her internal turmoil was about, and pulled Ahato up into a sitting position.
You're hurting her.
Her hand leeched comfortable warmth into Ahato.
You're a master manipulator, you know that? You managed to manipulate an angel into caring for a worthless corpse. You're not just worthless. You're heartless as well!
Warmth that she herself craved. A craving that pressed against her chest in an ache that couldn't be cried through. An ache that threatened to kill her if it was given chance.
She couldn't take it anymore.
Ahato pushed herself into Callie's hold, clinging to her like the leech that she was.
Callie froze for a second, before meeting Ahato with equal intensity, and wrapping her arms up and around her neck, letting the warmth fully engulf her.
Her crying didn't stop. She still heaved and sobbed, now with tears streaming down her face in a way that Ahato could never remember feeling. Though, a part of her is certain she has.
Ahato’s body broke down so easily that it felt familiar.
The warmth was at least calming, allowing her to slowly steady her frantic breathing.
She shuffled around, wrapping her legs around Callie too, feeling the comfort bleed into her.
Callie didn't seem to mind, only changing position to pull her even closer. One of her arms drifted down to her back, rubbing it in small, comfortable circles. She said no words, instead letting the sounds of Ahato’s cries echo in the bathroom.
Slowly, but surely, her breathing evened out, before coming to a complete halt. Her grip on Callie loosened, though she still held on tightly enough to feel her. She leaned her head on Callie's shoulder and just felt her body sink, heavy with guilt, shame, pain, and just plain exhaustion.
”Are you alright?” Callie asked, voice still laced with concern.
Ahato shook her head.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
That's a loaded question.
She didn't want Callie to know. Letting Callie know she was hurting her would likely result in either one of two outcomes. Callie leaving her, or her leaving Callie. It was simple math. Relationships shouldn't hurt, and a one-sided relationship of comfort is an easy way to make it start.
But, just like how her body craved the strong warmth of Callie's arms, another craved to tell her. To let Callie know everything. To lay the darkest, twisted, and blasphemous depths of herself be confessed, and leave the punishment up to Callie.
Ahato trusted Callie wholeheartedly. Whatever way she wanted to punish Ahato’s sins, she'd take. It wasn't as if she could offer much else besides her obedience.
She owed Callie the truth. That much was true.
“Why haven't you left yet?” She decided to just rip the band-aid off.
“W-What? Why would I?” Her voice trembled, almost in fear. As if the answer wasn't already painfully obvious.
“I don't contribute anything meaningful to this relationship.”
“Ahato, you know that isn't true.” She truly was heartless if she somehow was able to make Callie believe that.
“You offer me warm comfort when I'm unable to return. You give gifts and physical touch, when all I can offer is words. You put in effort to find time, but I can barely find the effort to support myself. I hurt you.” She was seconds away from crying again.
Callie sat in silence, still rubbing her back in soothing strokes.
Why wasn't she pulling away? It made no sense. She explicitly told Callie, so why hadn't she left?
Callie's voice lost it's tremble, now just being soft and gentle.“What makes you say that?”Was it that hard for Callie to see the truth? Was she really that tangled up in Ahato’s lies?“You...are an angel. Everyday you find a way to spread love. A love I do not return. You are holy. And I am defective.”Callie's body grew warmer, and she let out a shaky sigh.“That isn't true, I promise you...”“How? How am I not hurting you? What value does a corpse bring?”“You aren't a corpse. I don't know how I can convince you of that, but you aren't a corpse.”“Then what am I?”Callie went silent.Perhaps she was finally realizing how little value Ahato truly had.“To me,” She started. “you're a goddess.”“What... how?” A goddess, her? Either Callie is lying or she’s the sickest person to have ever lived to convince her of that.Callie pulled back slightly, only enough to look Ahato in the eye. She moved her hand from her back to her cheek, gently cradling her face.“Every day, you wake up, and take the day as it comes. You never complain, even when you probably should. When the day goes on, you check in on me, even if it's through a small text.” She pushed up Ahato’s chin, so she could look at her. “Those words that you think are pointless mean the world to me. You mean the world to me.”Why did she feel like crying again? They were all clearly lies, but she didn't have the heart or energy to dispel them. She held on tighter as tears gathered around the corners of her eyes.“B-but...” She tried to save her. Anything for Callie. She was willing to lay herself bare, and have the vultures come pick her clean. She was willing to unturn the smallest stone, just for Callie to throw it back in the ocean. She was willing to shine a light for Callie to shatter the bulb.But she never expected for Callie to keep the bulb burning. To leave the stones where they were. To shield her from the scavengers.“Why?” Ahato finally had the courage to ask.“Why? Why what?”She had to say it.“Why do you love me?”“Because you're lovely.”Ahato didn't know what to do besides cry. After going several years without it, it seemed like the only thing she could do now.She clung to Callie, scratching at the fabric of her hoodie with her claws.This cry wasn't as long as the first, but it felt just as intense.Eventually, her breathing stopped again, and Ahato pressed all of her weight onto Callie, feeling the exhaustion of it all. The pain had worn her down, and she could barely be bothered to move.She let herself lean her head against Callie's shoulder.“Are you alright now?” She asked.Ahato shook her head.“That’s okay.” Callie then moved her hands to cup underneath Ahato’s thighs. With a simple movement, she hoisted her up, carrying her up and out of the bathroom. “We can talk about it in the morning. I'll go get your heated blanket ready.”The darkness didn't feel suffocating anymore. The walls stopped closing in as Callie carried her away.It was so simple in the dark. With her arms and legs wrapped around Callie as she carried her away. What comfort could the light bring? The light is what got her into this mess.“Will you still love me in the morning?”Callie set her down on the edge of the bed, then moved her hands to her cheeks again.Ahato closed her eyes, bracing herself for the answer.She wasn't prepared for a gentle kiss to be placed against her eyelids.
Does she know that Octolings call this an angel kiss?
“Of course.”Callie pulled away to fumble with the remote, before pushing Ahato back, and tucking her in.The gentle heat of the blanket slowly quieted some of the ripples, leaving her to huddle in it's warmth.Callie moved to lay beside her, draping a careful arm across her, as she pulled up her own, much thinner, blanket.“I’ll still love you in the morning.” She reassured.