Work Text
Jerma could look at Ludwig for just a couple seconds and just think--
No, I don’t deserve someone like him.
And right as Ludwig catches wind of that stare he’ll look at Jerma and say
You look beautiful today,
and Jerma would feel his heart melt and his stomach flutter with butterflies.
But Ludwig was so great. With his blonde hair and his pretty eyes and sweet smile. He was so funny too, so good at what he does enough to have such a huge following of people waiting for more and more. And that goddamn
laugh.
His little giggle, his way of words and how the jokes slip out of his mouth so
fluidly.
It was so unreal to Jerma, he felt like that French bastard made him look like a zero compared to his ten out of ten.
And Jerma is old enough to notice the wrinkles in his skin, and he thinks with every smile and good selfie Ludwig sends him through text messages, he gets another one that makes him-- to himself-- look uglier. He always felt sick to his stomach looking at himself in the mirror after a long bubble bath spent doing nothing but
thinking
about Ludwig and his place in the physical world. He felt like a pathetic baby compared to the angel that was his boyfriend.
Every insecurity, Jerma could pick them out like they’re a neon color in a pile of monochrome hues. His stomach bulged out a little too far for comfort, and his muscles that he once had in his roaring twenties were deteriorating back to what he thinks he was built to be: just some pathetic skinny weirdo. He didn’t like that vision of himself. But he can never go back to his twenties. His eyes were too blue, too wide and his face was too weird looking. He swears he can tell his hair is thinning, and he can see gray hair coming in in multiple spots.
“Out of the bathroom Jerma! I gotta take a piss!” Ludwig called out, bursting into the bathroom. “You’ve been in here for like- two hours! How long do your bubble baths have to be?” He walked to the toilet, going to pee despite Jerma still being in the bathroom. Ludwig treats their bathroom like a public one, not afraid to take a piss when someone else is in there.
Jerma felt his face flush with embarrassment, and he looked away sheepishly. “Sorry, you know I like taking long baths.” He said, looking away with a sigh and forcing out a chuckle. “Plus the bubbles are a great ADHD toy when you touch them.”
Ludwig laughed, finishing up his pee and putting himself back in his pants. In which Jerma didn’t look, since he wasn’t weird and creepy and we don’t do that stuff here. “Just gonna let the bubbles soak into your skin to melt away the wrinkles, huh?” He chuckled.
Jerma paused, looking into the mirror with a big frown. “You- you
see
the wrinkles?” he said, looking intently at his face like he morphed into some kind of disgusting alien looking creature. He was so insecure about aging, the thought of Ludwig seeing the wrinkles
horrified
him.
Ludwig, immediately seeing what he did wrong, jumped in to save the day. “Hey! Jerma, I was just joking.” He said, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend from behind. Ludwig wasn’t too much taller than Jerma, but it was enough to make hugging from behind a cute and comforting experience for the both of them.
“You look amazing.” Ludwig said, “It was a joke, I was making fun of the old stuff, you know! You’re thirty-seven.” He quickly realized that saying that just made it worse, and Ludwig beat himself up on the inside for it. He knew Jerma was insecure, he knew he had issues with body issues and self confidence, but he still joked about the very things he knew would make Jerma upset.
Jerma frowned, “You think I look old too, huh?” He said, “Tell me your secret, how do you look so
young?”
He sighed, pushing Ludwig off of him and disappearing into the hallway of their shared home- now in Los Angeles. He went to the bedroom, getting into the bed and under the large white duvet blankets.
Ludwig quickly followed him out of the bathroom, not even washing his hands after his piss. He walked into the bedroom, “Jerma.” he said, sitting on the bed,
“Jeremy.”
He said, his voice sweet and kind. Ludwig always called Jerma by his streaming name-
Jerma.
He only called him Jeremy during serious or sweet moments, when he’s trying to get through to him.
When Jerma heard his full government name leave Ludwig’s lips, he uncovered his head and looked at his boyfriend with sad eyes. “What?” He said, trying to sound angry and upset despite the fact that-- in reality-- he truly was just
sad.
Sad and hurt and just sensitive.
“Look, I’m sorry dude. I- I shouldn’t have made that joke like that.” Ludwig said, a big frown on his face. “I’m really sorry.” He crawled into the bed, wrapping his arms around Jerma and pulling him in close. And Jerma, being himself, found it hard to resist the sweet, comfortable cuddles. His arms instinctively found their ways crawling around Ludwig.
“Listen Jerma, I think you’re perfect.” Ludwig said, “I don’t care if you have wrinkles, which by the way- you barely do!” he chuckled.
“Then why did you say I had wrinkles?” Jerma frowned, “And that I was old?”
“It was just a harsh,
‘you’re getting old’
joke, babe.” Ludwig explained, “I’m really sorry,” Ludwig apologizes for the third time for the same thing. “I think you’re the most
amazing
looking guy in like- the entire
observable
universe bro.” He said, giving Jerma a quick yet sweet peck on the lips- the type of kisses that get him to smile.
Jerma couldn’t fight it, a smile growing kindly on his lips. “I.. I’m sorry. For being so insecure.” He said, wishing he could pull himself together quickly and recognize when something is just a stupid joke- even if it hurts. Because he knows deep down Ludwig means barely any of the mean, teasing, or backhanded stupid things he says.
“It’s fine, Jeremy.” Ludwig said, “I’m here to help because I
love
you. You’re my boyfriend, you make everything for me feel so much better.” He ran his fingers through Jerma’s soft, gentle hair swoop. “Every insecurity you have is what I absolutely
love
about you.”
Jerma felt his heart flutter, and his smile never left his face. “You.. really?” he chuckled, as if Ludwig hadn't told him that about a million times before. Jerma just kept forgetting, or his brain made him think Ludwig was lying to make him feel better. Which truly never was the case.
“Yeah, of course.” Ludwig said, “I love you more than everything, and you’re the best thing to happen to me. Life wise and content wise!” He joked, laughing at his own stupid twist with his words. And Jerma, being himself, laughing along.
“Wow, so I’m just clicks to you? I’m a clickbait title?” Jerma said, and he was happy. Happy that Ludwig, with his magic, was able to cheer him up so easily. It made Jerma think he wasn’t really all that upset, it was just his brain tricking him into thinking something was way worse than it actually was.
Ludwig laughed, “Yep!” he said, pulling Jerma a little closer and cuddling into his chest. He sighed happily, his hand rubbing soothing circles on Jerma’s back.
Jerma laid there as Ludwig dozed off, basking in sweet quiet silence. His eyes closed and comfortable, he let his mind wander. But it didn’t go too far like usual, it stayed exactly where he wanted it to be. In the sunlight, frolicking in the fields happily. And in this calm relaxed moment, Jerma could think to himself for a second that.. He was lucky. He wasn’t stuck back alone in his home in Vegas, he was here. Here with someone he could finally say he truly did love.
Suddenly, he felt Ludwig leave the bed.
“I’M STILL LIVE!” Ludwig yelled, running out of the room and towards his streaming room. Then Jerma remembered- Ludwig was streaming, another TikTok reaction that his chat greatly enjoyed. Jerma laid there, staring at the door Ludwig left wide open and laughing to himself.
He laid flat, staring at the ceiling with a dumb little smile sat comfortably on his face. And from there, he just sighed. He truly didn’t know what else he could possibly ask for in life, because he had everything he needed right here.
He didn’t need to let his stupid insecurities ruin his life.
He was right where he’s supposed to be.