Work Text
There's this specific scenario Hyunjin dreams of. He finds himself longing for it every trip, family vacation, or school break since he was a teenager, wishful thinking nibbling at the back of his mind whenever he gets to spend some time away.It's quite simple, in a way, but Hyunjin spends a lot of time daydreaming about all the possibilities. Overall, it goes like this:Hyunjin steps out of the car, walks out of the bus, or hops off at the train station, whatever transportation he took to get to his final destination — he tries not to be too picky about it, but he'd like it better if he had the beach as his background if anyone out there ever minded listening to his prayers. Anyway, Hyunjin would make it to a foreign place and then bump into someone, somehow — maybe steal glances at the beach or morning breakfast, maybe meet a local with a dazzling smile. The important part is that he'd see someone and that someone would see him too.And fine, talking to strangers is hard, and in daily life, Hyunjin doesn't have half of the self-confidence people usually expect him to, but he'd find it in him the strength to strike up a conversation and learn a stranger’s name. That would lead them to a date, and from there — well sometimes a date is just a date, but it also could be that the date turns into something else. Waking up on a stranger's bed or waking up to an empty one, maybe stumbling back to his place during that sweet spot of time between being far too late in the night and way too early in the morning. Hyunjin is not asking for much, actually quite the opposite — he's all in for keeping it simple. The farthest they’d go probably would mean having a couple more days together, sharing trivia about their lives, brushing thumbs against the back of each other's hand, and sharing kisses before their expiration date ran due. No promises that could never be fulfilled, expectations about the future nor big, life-changing casualties for anyone.Their short but well-lived romance would burn and consume them both until their time ran out and they went back to their lives, taking the memory of a burning last touch as their only souvenir.It would still be love, it would be very much real — it just wouldn't last. And that was okay! Not everything was meant to stay. Impermanence had its own spark.Thing is, one day life does listen to Hyunjin’s wish but gets his order wrong. Or maybe not wrong per se — but definitely messed up, like when your americano order gets swapped and you get a mouthful of caramel syrup on your first gulp.Because Hyunjin always expected an uneventful vacation romance, a love he could leave behind like a sandcastle after a day on the beach. What life gives him, instead, is Han Jisung.
SPRING
The day Hyunjin first learns about the existence of Han Jisung, the world shifts but doesn’t move just yet.It's Chan’s doing, of course. The kind of thing Hyunjin doesn't think he could ever come across on his own, usually far too absorbed in his thoughts to notice the world around him. Chan is the opposite. His eyes constantly wander, looking for anything to catch his attention. Anything with the slightest hint of a spark, just enough for him to take that to the ones he loves and make them smile, a quick text that sometimes makes going out of bed seem a little worth it.Sometimes it comes in the form of a stray cat. Kids with backpacks far too big for their tiny frames. Some nice graffiti on a wall building. Cute cartoon pastries they wouldn’t muster the nerve to eat. A fish-shaped cloud in the blue sky. This time it doesn’t come through a Kakao Talk notification, but in the shape of ashy blonde hair, tall platform boots, and toffee brown eyes.Jisung barges into his life on a breezy Wednesday evening, and it’s funny because come to think of it, Wednesdays don’t seem the most fitting day of the week for life-changing events. Wednesdays are for early morning runs with Seungmin and afternoon Zoom meetings at work to spend an hour stressing over color palettes. Wednesdays are for scraping the leftovers from the weekend inside the fridge and taking a trip to the laundromat, stopping by Chan’s and Felix’s place on the way back, sometimes, when Chan asks for his help to work on lyrics. It’s not much, but it’s also not bad.This Wednesday, though, when Hyunjin closes the door to the tiny place Chan shares with Felix, what waits for him is not just the usual bloody slander, the bark of laughter, or cry of utmost despair coming from his best friend’s rooms due to the Overwatch and League of Legends online gaming sessions they join weekly. He’s still met with laughter, Chan’s giggles unmistakably squeaky from the kitchen, but he’s also met with something else. Someone else, actually, sitting on the couch’s armrest.“Uh,” Hyunjin mumbles, stuck on his spot and looking around, afraid he’s interrupting. “Hi… I’m… Here?”Chan whips his head towards the door so fast it’s a miracle he doesn’t sprain his neck. “Oh, Hyune, hey,” he smiles. The guy sitting on the couch is still quiet, silent, and unmoving in that awkward way you get when you’re out of place and wishing to be swallowed by the ground. Hyunjin feels bad for him, knowing the feeling all too well. “You got right on time! We just finished, right, Hannie?” Hannie’s entire body jerks when his presence is properly addressed in the room, and his startled state could probably have him nodding along to Chan’s words no matter what he said. He looks up from the backpack he’s holding close to his chest for the first time since Hyunjin’s arrival, and the mere sight of that pair of eyes is enough for Hyunjin to know this could change his life.“Yeah, of course, at least for now,” Hannie is quick to agree, head tilted to the side making his earrings jiggle.“This is Han Jisung,” Chan jumps in next, properly introducing them. As impressive and powerful as Hyunjin’s performer persona can be, everyone knows how awkward and fidgety he can get around new people when he’s not on stage. Judging from their brief interaction, this Han Jisung guy seemed to not be so different. “And this is Hwang Hyunjin. I don’t think I ever introduced you two before, right?”“You know far too many people, hyung,” Hyunjin replies. Chan is popular everywhere with everyone it’s hard to keep track, but Hyunjin is pretty sure he’d remember ever being introduced to someone with such big round eyes. “But it’s nice to meet you.”“You do,” Jisung agrees, friendly despite having both his hands shoved down his hoodie pockets. If it was other people, it would probably make them look rude. For this Han Jisung guy, it only makes him look a bit misplaced and silly. “Yeah, likewise.”They both share a small smile before looking away. Chan, always the extrovert and mood maker, makes up for their shyness and fills the silence with small talk, claiming they could be good friends because they’re from the same year before he takes a look at his phone and declares that it’s time for him and Jisung to leave so he can drop Jisung off, asking Hyunjin if he could wait until he comes back.Hyunjin watches them go, listening to the trail of laughter Jisung leaves behind when he’s talking to Chan and feeling more at ease until the elevator stops on their floor, taking Han Jisung away from his life as fast as he was brought into it.Not all big changes happen all at once. That happened somewhere back in March, maybe April. Hyunjin doesn’t really think too much about it after he leaves with Chan that evening.Time goes by like it always does, life happening between moments that will never be forgotten and days that are merely a blur. Every once in a while Hyunjin gets a glimpse of Jisung through Chan’s or even Changbin’s social media and realizes that he’s kind of always been there, but they didn’t come across each other until now.Maybe it’s the way it was supposed to go for them, maybe it’s just a big ball of bad timing and poor coincidences. It doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that ever since that day, the world started shifting a few millimeters every day. It goes unnoticed at first, but it’s only a matter of time until Hyunjin gets to realize how everything started changing the moment life brought them together.
SUMMER
The second time Hyunjin sees Han Jisung he gets to meet him beyond his name, so Hyunjin counts this as their actual real first meeting.Like most things in life, it happens on a whim and not in the way one expects things to go. Not that Hyunjin was expecting anything other than waking up ungodly early for the usual road trip listening to Chan’s cathartic curses in a heavy Australian accent and Felix’s SUV Mom playlist when Chan texted him about getting free tickets for an indie music festival all the way down to Busan. He also knew to expect muddy grounds, overpriced snacks, and being introduced to more Chan acquaintances than his brain could ever memorize, but what Hyunjin did not expect at all was to run into Han Jisung first thing after walking out of the car, much less to be spending the following two days under his roof.Hyunjin is still drowsy from the motion sickness medication and typing a text to Seungmin to tell him that they just arrived when it happens, bag almost knocking out a poor victim when he pulls it out of the trunk and flings it over his shoulder.“Woah, woah, hey,” he hears the person behind him say, words a bit hoarse but unmistakably playful. “Careful there.”“My bad —” Hyunjin starts, but then the cat eats his tongue.When he turns around, there it is: round eyes, an even rounder face. Puckered lips, bedhead sticking everywhere and an oversized One Piece faded tee thrown over old sweats that were promoted to pajamas at some point. Jisung’s hair is a dark brown now, and Hyunjin finds himself paying too much attention to how the new color suits him well.“Morning, sunshine,” Chan greets, closing the trunk and reaching for Jisung. He messes with his already disheveled hair, pinching Jisung’s puffy cheeks and making baby noises at him. “I know it’s early, sorry we kicked you out of bed.”“It’s okay,” Jisung grunts, blinking a few times. “It’s Saturday, Dad is already up and running and making sure it’s everyone’s problem, especially mine since we’re having people over. Is anyone else coming?”“No, just me, Lix, and Hyunjin — you met earlier this year, right?” Chan kindly introduces them, and it feels a little like deja vu. “But for good measure, Hyune, this is my friend Han Jisung. And Hannie, this is my friend Hwang Hyunjin.”“Hi, Hyunjin-ssi,” Jisung greets, bowing lightly. Hyunjin raises his hand, half-asses a shy wave, and smiles. “I remember you.”It’s not a big deal, but it makes Hyunjin blush. There’s something in the way Han Jisung, barely awake and dressed in makeshift pajamas, makes a point of letting Hyunjin know that he remembers their first encounter that makes something warm wash under Hyunjin’s skin, like hot tea spreading through his chest in December.“Hyune?” Felix touches his arm, snapping Hyunjin out of it.“I remember you too, Jisung-ssi,” Hyunjin finally says, a bit clumsy. He fixes the strap of his backpack on his shoulder. “Uh — Sorry for — hitting you with — yeah.”“It’s fine, it’s probably late karma or something like that,” Jisung waves his hand, turning his back to the front door to open it and let them in. Hyunjin finally takes a moment to look around and realizes they’re at an actual house, not an apartment, with an actual front yard. The place is not fancy, not really, but it’s cozy and pretty and something you, sure enough, cannot find back in Seoul unless you’re swimming in cash. “Are you hungry? Dad made stew before leaving for the restaurant and I guess he thought I invited all the members of NCT to spend the weekend. I hope they told you to bring food containers because you’ll be taking some of it back home.” Hyunjin stops eyeing the small herb garden and blinks. Jisung is still talking to him, dead serious even though there’s a lilt to his words that sound exactly like a smile. He seems to be the kind of person that plays around a lot once you get him talking, swallowing down his own introversion to make the people around him more at ease.It works because Hyunjin finds himself laughing, soft giggles coming out in the open. “Oh, no. To be honest, I didn’t know.”“I’m joking about bringing your own plastic containers, god knows just how many of these we’ve got to spare,” Jisung adds, holding back a giggle himself. “But seriously, I know we just met but I’m begging you to please give it a go and try the stew so the old man won’t be sad.” Hyunjin nods, and then Felix makes a point about how good the stew is, which makes Jisung instantly square his shoulders and swell with pride. “Four point five stars on Naver Maps, what do you think?”It’s still early morning when they get to Jisung’s place and the festival they’ll be attending only starts around noon, so they spend the next few hours lazing around. Between carrying their bags inside and settling down, heading back to the kitchen so Jisung can pour them a few bowls of stew, and getting ready to head out, Hyunjin comes to learn a few things:
Jisung doesn’t live in Seoul or Busan. He’s currently finishing college in Daegu but was born in Incheon, even though it’s been a very long time since he last called it home. His family moved around a lot when he was younger, so he’s kinda used to being from a lot of places and yet from none at the same time.
His dad used to be an Engineer, which is how he eventually ended up in Australia and Malaysia, but now owns a small restaurant in Busan, nearby a popular area of Haeundae Beach. Jisung talks about it with a huge grin on his face, and his eyes shine when he mentions how it was his dad’s dream.
Jisung wouldn’t call himself a singer or a musician — though Chan and Felix seem to disagree —, but he likes music a fair amount. He's getting a major in journalism and so far wants to cover music, has an internship in the field already, but never really thought of pursuing music itself as a career.
“Not a singer my ass,” Felix complains, pointing his stained-with-red sauce chopsticks towards his friend. “He’s a literal singer with literal gigs.”Hyunjin raises his eyebrows at that and Jisung whines. “I’m not a singer with gigs. I just play at my dad’s restaurant sometimes.”“I mean,” Hyunjin says, stuffing his mouth with rice. “That sounds a lot like a gig to me. And you produce some stuff with Chan hyung too, don’t you? You were working on music with him the first time I saw you.”There’s a deep sigh on Jisung’s side. “Yeah, but that’s all that it is. Music is something I do for myself and with my friends, and I want to keep it simple, you know? If I say I’m a singer or a musician then I might start feeling pressured to be good at it to deserve the title. I want to learn new skills so I can make new things, of course, but I don’t want to be good in the capitalist standards and spoil this one thing that makes me happy. You know what I mean?”Hyunjin thinks of dancing and all the times he’s died by losing his passion for it, bitterness and hatred eating him up with every new routine he rehearsed to perfection, too focused on being as good as people claimed him to be, but eventually void of value or meaning. He thinks of the bloody climb up from rock bottom, the slow process of making amends with a practice room.Then Hyunjin thinks of his painting gear back home, the sketchbook and camera shoved inside his backpack that he makes a point of storing away from other people’s eyes most of the time — not because he’s shy, but because he wants to keep it sacred.The conversation is mostly just the two of them now, Chan passed out over the table after pulling an all-nighter to drive them there, and Felix left his seat to at least get a blanket to wrap around his shoulders. Hyunjin shakes his head slowly, realizing how Jisung’s eyes are fully trained on him, attentive and curious. “Yeah,” he exhales. The weight of Jisung’s gaze doesn’t make Hyunjin self-conscious in a bad way, but it does make his breath hitch. “I do, to be honest.”Jisung hums in agreement. No questions asked, no buts or ifs. Hyunjin is almost sad he doesn’t question it, because a small part of him wouldn’t mind reaching for his bag, fishing his sketchbook from the front pocket, and letting Jisung flip through the pages of his bare soul. Turns out that Jisung and Hyunjin get comfortable around each other oddly easily.The discovery comes later that same day, when they get stuck with each other at the festival after losing their friends because they decided to join a mosh pit with no prior warning or established meeting point.Hyunjin is away from the crowd, watching the concert sitting on the grass up a little hill, and typing viciously as he tries to contact Chan or Felix for the nth time in the past forty minutes. Jisung flops down the grass next to him a couple of minutes later, coming back from his quick trip to the refill stations with two water bottles in hand.“I’m still impressed you didn’t join the mosh with them,” he says cheekily, handing one of the bottles to Hyunjin. Jisung stretches his legs, platform boots hitting the ground with a soft thud. “Suits your aesthetic.”Hyunjin scoffs. “What aesthetic? I’ve got the body mass of a walking noodle. Did you know that they call me Flour Boy back home?”“Great nickname for a band, by the way. But it’s, you know, the vibes ,” Jisung shrugs, waving his hands around. “Dyed hair, ear piercings, sharp eyes, looks that could kill. You’re fresh out of a Shonen manga or a Final Fantasy character sheet. I swear that coming from me, it’s a compliment.”“Well, you look like the type to enjoy a mosh pit, too,” Hyunjin replies. He doesn’t know a lot about games, but he knows just enough to get a gist of what it means. His cheeks burn, but Hyunjin blames it on the sun rather than thinking it could have anything to do with Jisung describing him as remotely attractive. “Especially wearing boots like that.”That sends Jisung into a laughing fit, his entire body shaking as he squeaks. “Come on now, you just said that to stroke my ego. Look at me, Hwang Hyunjin. I’m a fucking midget with social anxiety. Do I love the concept of a mosh pit? Absolutely yes. But consider this like me not meeting the minimum height requirement for a roller coaster ride.”
Look at me, Hwang Hyunjin.
Now, Hyunjin is looking at Jisung. Hyunjin is looking at his sleeveless shirt that goes far too deep, as if his exposed arms weren’t enough, just like he’s looking at the smudged eyeliner around his eyes or the way his hair flows every time Jisung takes his cap off and runs a hand through thick strands of brown hair before putting it back. Hyunjin is looking, because he quickly takes notice of the way Jisung’s nose scrunches when he smiles or the way his lips pucker into a pout when he’s thinking. Hyunjin is looking, and Hyunjin surely is seeing , maybe more than he should and would like to within such a short amount of time.“So what next?” Hyunjin asks then, trying to make an effort and look somewhere else.Jisung takes a good gulp of water before shrugging. They take a look at the festival’s lineup and schedule, Jisung points to a few names and recognizes them as Chan’s friends or acquaintances, makes an obnoxious gagging sound to a producer that has been mean to Chan and Changbin a few years ago, but claims that he’d be happy to follow Hyunjin to whatever concert he picks.They end up watching three whole concerts (a pick from Hyunjin, a pick from Jisung, and a third interest they both shared) before they finally reunite with Chan and Felix while walking across the grounds and between stages. Felix’s boots are covered in dirt and there are stains of dust all over his pants, but he’s smiling and bouncing on his feet like an excited puppy. Chan trails after him, a little worn out but smiling just as brightly.“Sorry to make you worry, we didn’t mean to go stray,” Chan breathes, downing what’s left of his water bottle. Felix proceeds to tell them about the first mosh pit, and how they were having fun with a friend of Chan and her girlfriend, but then Chan had to pull them away because Felix was this close to punching a guy staring at Chan’s crop top, but not in a nicely and appreciatively way of staring. Before they knew it, they were lost in the crowd with two poorly charged iPhones and no working service. “Did you have fun so far?”Hyunjin and Jisung share a glance, grinning at each other. They haven’t stopped talking for a single minute ever since they got left behind, from the most personal issues to the most absurd and abstract topics. They danced and jumped around together to JUROKEY’s most energetic songs, but also didn’t mind sitting down to take a break and enjoy Lacuna’s concert. Hyunjin snaps a few pictures of Jisung enjoying himself when Jisung isn't paying attention, and can't help but feel grateful when DPR IAN’s Nerves comes in the setlist and Jisung doesn’t mention the tears streaming down his face.It’s still June and too early to say, but Hyunjin already thinks that Jisung sneakily pulling a thin joint from the side of one of his boots out of the blue will be one of his favorite memories of this summer by far.Said joint almost goes off between Hyunjin’s fingers as he watches Jisung sprawled in the grass, golden hour light all over his face and thick strings of smoke coming out of his lips. “What?” Jisung quips an inquiring eyebrow at him, a lazy smile plastered on his lips. “You'd look good in a painting,” Hyunjin blurts without thinking twice. As soon as the words leave his mouth, dread washes all over his body like a bucket of cold water.“What?”“I mean —”Jisung flops to his stomach, resting his head between his arms. “Would you paint me like one of your French girls?”Hyunjin rolls his eyes so far behind the back of his head he can almost see his dark roots growing out in the back of his head. “Shut up.”“Aw, you're already telling me to shut it. This is like hitting third base.” There’s earnestness in how Jisung eyebrows are still quipped in amusement but not at the expense of Hyunjin. “For real, though, — that's — very nice. Thanks.”They resume smoking what's left of the weed in silence. Hyunjin’s eyes linger on Jisung for a moment. hoping his eyes register enough of this moment so he can bring it back to life again on a canvas one day.Later that night, after the four of them watched the closing act for the first day, they follow the mandatory routine of struggling to go through an entire ocean of people trying to leave the festival grounds all at once, discuss taking a cab only to give up a minute later and resume to walking to the second closest subway station so they can avoid the crowd.God blesses them with a rather empty wagon, and they even get to sit down. Chan and Felix are all snuggled against each other, wasting what’s left of the 7¨% of battery Chan had on his phone to look up take-out options to order as soon as they got home.They’re in the middle of bickering over burgers when Hyunjin turns to Jisung to ask if he will order anything and sees that Jisung is leaning on him, cheek squished against Hyunjin’s shoulder, fast asleep.Hyunjin is not a sick monster, so he doesn’t move a single inch for the rest of their ride. The mere thought of waking Jisung up makes him feel like crying, and when Chan recognizes the stop announced on the speakers and gets to his feet, Hyunjin gives him a nasty stare.The first time he met Jisung, Hyunjin remembers thinking Jisung looked like he could change his life. This time, when Chan gently shakes Jisung awake and his warm eyes land on Hyunjin — Hyunjin is sure of it.(And if Hyunjin wasn’t too absorbed looking at Jisung, maybe he’d have realized way sooner that Jisung had been thinking the same thing from the very start, too.) Hyunjin leaves back for Seoul when the weekend is over, but Jisung stays in his life.Not that he thought they would forget about each other first thing after their rented car took a turn around down the street, but Hyunjin didn’t expect them to keep in touch afterward. Not in his pessimistic and dramatic Pisces way, but objectively speaking for once: not all dynamics are meant to work long distance.Jisung claimed to give Chan a run for his money when it came down to being awful with social media interactions, and Hyunjin himself had way too many unread chats piling up in his inbox for being forgetful. He comes back home thinking of how much he’d like to have more of Han Jisung in his life, but also halfway done making amends with how the odds weren’t in their favor.“I understand where you come from,” Seungmin muses when Chan drops Hyunjin home the next morning, and instead of getting some sleep so he could face all the briefings he’s got to read, he decides to tell Seungmin all about his weekend. “But don’t you think it’s too soon to hold a funeral?”“I’m not holding a funeral,” Hyunjin argues, taking a spoonful of the stew he brought from Jisung. He’s got two big containers of it filled to the brim. The food is, just like Felix and Jisung promised, amazing. “I’m setting reasonable expectations to avoid being annoying or looking like a fool.”“First of all, you always look like a fool. Because you are a fool,” Seungmin points out, never missing a chance. “You’re underestimating how much this dude — and people in general — are willing to put the effort to accommodate you in their lives.”“Please stop being kind to me and go back to your usual sassy and sharp-tongued self or I’m gonna be sick.”Seungmin grins in a way it makes him look like a gremlin. “Being nice to you is very entertaining. I get to appreciate and love you as you deserve and witness how much it makes you suffer.”Turns out that like so many other times throughout human history, Kim Seungmin had a point.
[09:23 PM] Han Jisung
hey!! did you get home ok?
i know chan hyung didn’t fall asleep while driving because i saw him take two monster energy cans before sitting behind the wheel
and because he texted me earlier
but it could’ve been a hell of a ride for his passengers and i heard you get motion sickness ):
SO
i wanted to tell you this earlier, actually right before you left? but then i passed out in my bed and woke up late to catch my train back to daegu and had to run for my life
the good news is that i didn’t lose the train or my afternoon class AND my meds are working just fine because i didn’t die from anxiety in the process
sorry i’m rambling
what i meant to tell you is
it was really good to get to know you this weekend, hyunjin. you’re a very cool guy and a nice person and. uh. i don’t know. i know it’s hard to believe because i never shut up but i’m usually not like that around new people. but i felt comfortable with you when we were together. felix and chan and even changbin always talk about you and i see why. maybe we can keep in touch? if that’s okay of course!!
it’s even okay to say that? i feel like a kid oh my god i’m so sorry
anyway!!! have a nice week! see ya!!! :D
Hyunjin wonders if it was normal to feel this disoriented and giddy or if he just really had more of a penchant for dramatics than he thought.
[09:31 PM] Hwang Hyunjin
hi ~
i made home just fine! my body is all sore and i’d rather eat chalk than get any work done today though
i’m glad you didn’t lose your train and also didn’t die from anxiety!
anyway
it was really good to get to know you and spend these couple of days with you, too. i was impressed at how easy and nice things worked between us and was already kinda sad thinking we wouldn’t get to be friends. which probably sounds too dramatic but chan hyung’s sister told me it’s because i’ve got a pisces stellium and i trust her.
what i’m trying to say is: thank you for sending this text. i’d like to keep in touch, too =)
also don’t worry this is loser territory i wouldn’t be able to put it into words any better than you did
When Hyunjin leaves his bedroom and yanks Seungmin’s door open to embrace him in a tight hug, Seungmin screeches like a banshee as he tries to swat him away. When Seungmin asks him what that hug is about, Hyunjin snickers and tells him is both a ‘thank you’ and a taste of payback. FALL It’s harder to get into someone else’s world when you don’t have as many tangible tools to build intimacy, but they find their way to make it work.Hyunjin and Jisung might not know each other that well, not yet, but the short time they’ve shared in each other’s presence was enough for them to know they’d like to — and they hold on to that.It takes time, actual work, persistence, and communication, of course, but it’s not a bad thing. They slip into something like a side timeline, a routine of sorts between them that finds common ground and balances their schedules and personal traits. Jisung has difficulty keeping conversations going during the day, and Hyunjin is the king of dropping pictures or links with no context and going M.I.A for hours before coming back to explain what he even wanted to talk about. They make do with the cards they’ve been dealt, and so days pile in weeks and weeks in months. Hyunjin always thought about living a Summer Thing , but temperatures start dropping along the last handful of dried leaves before Winter and Jisung is still around. Actually, in a few more hours, he'd be way closer than around. Jisung would be there, a living thing in Hyunjin's apartment and not just the floating notes of his voice over the speaker.He'd be there, sprawled on the couch reading his weekly manga updates or pacing from the bathroom to the hallway while brushing his teeth because not even a mouthful of foam could make him stop talking.Jisung would be there, clinging to a specific mug from the cupboard, whistling playfully at the obnoxious amount of skincare products Hyunjin had in their bathroom, asking where they kept the tableware until he no longer needed directions. Jisung would carve a space for himself at Hyunjin's home, and then, in the blink of an eye, he wouldn't be there anymore.Thinking about it has been making Hyunjin’s palms clammy all week, so he tries to focus on other things. “Are you sure you don't want me to pick you up at the station?”Given who he's talking to, it's a pretty stupid question, but it's already too late when Hyunjin thinks twice.“Listen, I know you mean well because I live in the countryside and you go through this hell every day, but I’ve been to Seoul enough times to know my way around on the subway. Don't go looking down on me, city boy—”Hyunjin rolls his eyes. He stirs his noodles on the pan and decides to bite the bait just for the sake of it. “Honey, have you been so bitchless your entire life you can't see when someone is trying to spend more time with you?”Jisung scoffs so obnoxiously loud it's a wonder how he doesn't choke.“I just think it's very funny that you're saying that to the homeschooled kid,” There's some shuffling on the other end of the line, fabric brushing against the speaker and Hyunjin can almost picture him flopping onto his stomach, pressing his face against a pillow. “That's such a low blow, Hwang Hyunjin.”“Oh my god, that's not —”“Who knows, surely being homeschooled for most of my teenage years and the later incident regarding my sexuality that led to my parents getting a divorce contributed to my lack of self-esteem, great levels of social anxiety, and the overall voices inside my head that play a big role in my cycle of self-sabotage — but sure, go ahead and call me ‘bitchless’ —”“Shut up,” Hyunjin grins. “You're so annoying.”“Thank you, I try my best,” There's a brief moment of silence, then the sound of a deep breath coming in and out. When Jisung speaks again, his voice shifts to something soberer. “Look, I just don't want to impose on your schedule and plans.”“Hannie, that's the whole point — you're not some kind of problem I feel burdened to handle.”“I'm staying at your place for free and having you reorganize your whole day because I messed up and will be arriving in the middle of your shift, though?”Hyunjin turns off the stove, letting out a sigh that it's something between fond and worried. “How were you supposed to know I’d have to change my Saturday day off at the last minute when you bought your ticket two weeks ago ?”“I could’ve waited instead of having you leave early. It’s — I'm just trying not to get in the way of your life.”It's a little too late for that, though. They should've thought about it back when they first met, back when they spent a few days immersed in each other, back when they headed back home and still found ways to keep growing closer despite the distance.That was June, now it's November.“We've been getting in the way of each other’s lives ever since day one, dumbass. That's why we work so well together, isn't it?”Late-night talks and trauma dumping teach Hyunjin and Jisung that they share similarities even in what they wish they didn't understand each other on a spiritual level: like how it's hard to feel deserving of good things or allow themselves to keep them in their lives. This precious thing they found in each other, however, turns out to be an exception. Because Han Jisung is one of the best things to ever happen to his life, so Hyunjin refuses to let him go without putting up a fight. And said Han Jisung feels the same about keeping Hyunjin in his life, so they both can't help but allow themselves to be greedy and selfish for once.“Sorry. Sometimes I just forget that not everyone is like my mom and ask me to turn this down,” Jisung says, and Hyunjin knows him well enough to know he’s gesturing vaguely around himself all the way back in Daegu when he says this . “To not be so much.”Just like time, distance can be a cruel thing, he’s come to learn over the past months. Heartache festers Hyunjin’s insides from not being able to reach out and brush his thumb over Jisung’s hand and sooth his jitteriness.“Well, too bad for the ghost of your mother inside your head, she’s a bitch,” he spits, and maybe Hyunjin should feel ashamed of speaking of someone’s mom like this, but he doesn’t, not when it’s about Jisung’s mother. Chan assures him that ever since the divorce things have been getting better for Jisung and he’s okay now, but it’s hard to let go when every single thing he’s ever heard about the issue makes Hyunjin see red. “You don’t have to try not to take space — please do, as much as you wish. You make so many people happy when you do. Having you take space in my life makes me so happy, you have no idea.”There’s static on the other side of the line, and for a second Hyunjin is afraid he might have said too much. Then there’s a barely audible sniff that could break a thousand hearts, and Jisung’s voice shakes around the edges. “Thank you for that.”“Nothing to thank me for, love,” Hyunjin replies. And then, to give them a way out of that situation before they get too sentimentalist, he changes the topic. “Especially because all this is part of my big scheme to go meet you in the train station so we can be very gay and make a scene in public. That way I can pretend my life is a movie or at least record a potentially viral TikTok and make us rich.”“Oh, you were planning on causing a scene?” Jisung asks, already chirpier.“No, we’re causing a scene,” Hyunjin corrects, he can already sense Jisung’s spirits getting lifted and brightening up. He can’t help but feel his chest swell with joye, knowing he’s the reason behind it. “I’m also counting on you to reach all of your obnoxiousness potential. Are you with me?”And Jisung, of course, doesn’t miss a beat. All the way, no regrets. “Always am, babe.” Jisung arrives on a Saturday afternoon. His plans of making a dramatic scene just for the fun of it go down the drain as soon as Hyunjin watches him walk out of the train.Time stills. Next thing he knows, Jisung’s bag and luggage are on the floor and Hyunjin’s arms are caging his tiny frame as if trying to see just how much he could squeeze the young man in front of him before he turns into smoke. Jisung smells of honey and longing, and Hyunjin feels like his heart might explode.“You’re here,” he says, taking Jisung’s presence through balmy hands and itchy fingertips. It's like Hyunjin is finally able to let go of a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. “You’re actually here.”“I am,” Jisung agrees, eyes shining when he looks at Hyunjin with so much fondness it’s a wonder how it doesn’t pour out of his skin pores. “Guess I am.”When they head back to Hyunjin and Seungmin’s place, the apartment feels a lot brighter the moment Jisung walks into the living room. Seungmin gets home a few hours later and joins them for dinner — Jisung brought a considerable amount of frozen food from his dad, and he shares his tales about how traveling with plastic containers is an art he’s learned to master. With their stomachs full and cozy on the couch, they spend the rest of the night going through all their streaming catalogs looking for a movie, only to end up binge-watching all of Day6’s music videos as soon as Jisung and Seungmin find out they're both MyDays. Days fly by too fast and Jisung adapts to their routine so well it’s like he’s always been there. Hyunjin has no trouble picturing Jisung as a tangible part of life, joining his trips to the market for grocery shopping every Sunday, sitting at their usual table at the bar Chan plays, and whispering silly jokes to make Felix giggle when visiting museums. It’s like there was an open spot in every single aspect of his life in the shape of Han Jisung, just waiting for him to show up and claim his seat.“What are you staring at?” Jisung asks. It’s Thursday evening and they’re in the laundromat downstairs waiting for their clothes to dry. There’s no one else around at this hour, and the girl with pink hair working the night shift doesn’t seem bothered by them sitting on top of the washing machines.Jisung looks good there, feet kicking in the air as he scrolls down his phone, giggling every once in a while before turning the screen towards Hyunjin so he can see whatever silly meme Jisung found amusing. Jisung looks good, objectively speaking, but this — Jisung looks good because he looks like he belongs.Hyunjin tells him that, voice soft like he’s telling him a secret. Jisung’s joy at the words is quiet but clear.“That’s good to hear,” he says, and Hyunjin loves him so much that sometimes he could cry just thinking about it. “Because I feel like I belong, too.” Hyunjin spent a lot of time thinking of the next time Jisung would come, but he didn’t think of what it’d be like to watch him go.“This is me,” Jisung says weakly, watching as his bus takes a turn and approaches the station. “Time to get going.”Hyunjin chews on his upper lip and grips Jisung’s hand a little tighter. “You got something to eat on the way back?”“I’m taking so many chocolate tarts from that bakery down your street with me that if I was at the airport, the security staff would interrogate me.”Hyunjin laughs, of course, because Jisung is Jisung and always seems to know when and how to make him smile — but by the end of his giggling fit, the bus is already parked next to them and his stomach churns like he’s the one about to go on a four hours ride back to Daegu.“Text me when you get there?” he asks. “Or call me from the police station to bail you out when they arrest you for pastries trafficking, whatever.”“Slander!” Jisung interjects, exasperated. “It’s common knowledge I’d get arrested for joining or causing a riot. And to be honest, we all know the smart choice is to call Seungmin to get me out since he’s, you know, studying to be an actual lawyer. He’d leave me behind the bars for a day or two just to fuck with me, of course, but he’d come to the rescue at some point. But don’t worry, when the time comes I’ll make sure to save a few seconds of that one call granted to me by law to ask Seungmin to bring you along so we can look hot together for the press.”It never fails to amaze him how Jisung is always up to join whatever nonsense is thrown in his direction and make a whole scenario out of it. Hyunjin could hear him talk for days and is more than happy to go along with it. “It’s a date, then. I’ll make sure to pick a nice and fancy outfit.”There’s a pause. The driver walks out of the bus and calls for Jisung’s destination. The world pauses for a brief second while Jisung and Hyunjin share a glance. The passengers waiting in line start to get inside the bus.“Honey —” Jisung starts, but then Hyunjin is throwing himself at him, wrapping shaky arms around his shoulders.Hyunjin holds him tight, pretends that this is enough to stop Jisung from leaving, and allows himself to keep Jisung at arm’s reach just for another second. Jisung holds him back, eyes glossy and lips turned down, and Hyunjin hates himself a little for making things harder for them.“I love you,” Hyunjin breathes, eyes stinging with tears he won’t shed until he’s back home. “I really, really love you.”“You’re very important to me, I hope you know that,” Jisung murmurs, always better at words, standing on his tiptoes to place a soft kiss on Hyunjin’s forehead. “I'm glad we found each other. I’m glad we’re here even if right now — it fucking sucks.”They hug one last time and Jisung wraps his arms around Hyunjin so tight it hurts, but sadly not enough to overshadow his aching heart. When he finally goes up the small steps that lead inside the bus, leaving his sight, Hyunjin hopes he doesn’t see him turning his back and walking away in quick strides so he won’t watch Jisung go.Having Jisung as a physical presence in his life clicked strikingly fast. A few seconds into his absence were enough to give him whiplash. As he clung to the subway handles, thoughts foggy upon the void Jisung left behind, Hyunjin knew that coming home and not finding him there would be just as disorientating.
WINTER
Things change after that first visit. Not all at once, but gradually, just like the changing of the seasons. It’s a slow process, subtle changes in lighting and temperature every day until one day you blink and go like what ? when you realize it’s windy and cold outside again.Not that things shift between Hyunjin and Jisung per se — they keep their routine going. They meet another couple of times before the year is over, and Jisung even brings along his friends for New Year’s Eve. Minho is happy to meet Chan, who also shares the duty of being the oldest, and everyone takes Jeongin as their own child within two minutes after seeing him smile for the first time.The rooftop is swarmed with people, but they somehow find themselves a spot a bit removed from the party. The crowd seems to get more and more energetic as the clock ticks closer to midnight and Hyunjin knows he should be out there enjoying themselves with everyone else, but before he can raise his glass and welcome another year, he needs a time out.Next to him, resting his chin on top of his knees, Jisung scans the place from the top of the counter where he’s sitting before his eyes land on Hyunjin.“Look at us, huh?” Jisung says, the corner of his lips curling up. Hyunjin finds himself reciprocating the smile as he watches Jisung sip on the drink Chan bought but didn't drink and passed along to the first person willing to take it. “Introverts throwing their own pity party in the back of a very expansive rooftop on New Year's Eve.”Hyunjin scoffs, shaking his head. Maybe the ‘you're my soulmate’ joke has gone a bit too far. “At least we’ve got each other. Who would've thought, right?”Jisung opens his mouth to say something, but whatever stupid remark he was about to make doesn’t make it into existence. Instead, he lets an airy chuckle. “Not me.”And it's true, Hyunjin thinks — what were the odds? That they would’ve met, that they would’ve hit off, that they would both be willing to put the effort to grow this close, to take a permanent spot in each other’s lives, to be like this, whatever this even meant between them. Winter has already started, but Seoul has yet to be covered in white with the First Now. They're still here. Who would've thought?“Yeah,” he agrees softly. “Not me.”When they finally notice the time, they run back to the party, making it to their friends just in time for the countdown. Changbin teaches them a fancy trick to pop a champagne bottle, Felix cracks his phone five minutes into the new year while drunk texting his sisters, and Jeongin shrieks as he wriggles his way out of Jisung’s hold, refusing to give him a New Year’s Kiss for good omens.Hyunjin is still laughing at his friend's antics when Jisung leans against his shoulder, sulky and pouty like a kicked puppy, and his inebriated brain doesn’t think too much of it as he leans in and presses a soft peck to his lips.“There,” he says, a tipsy smile plastered on his face. Jisung is staring back at him, rosy cheeks and big eyes shiny like the fireworks they just saw earlier. “Happy New Year.”“Happy New Year,” Jisung’s words come full of love, even if breathy. It's only a kiss; it doesn't hold any special weight to it or change anything between them — kissing and holding your homies is just an average Tuesday within their friend group — so Hyunjin blames the fuzzy feeling he gets from it on the alcohol.New Year is fun, but it feels less like the start of a new year and more like an awakening. Hyunjin realizes there are more layers and colors to the love he feels for Jisung through a phone call.“By the way,” Jisung says a week before the said phone call, voice loud and clear filling the living room, just enough to make Hyunjin’s body react on its own and look up across the dining table as if the other side of it could be taken. He pictures Jisung there with him, taking that empty spot with his big round eyes and oversized hoodies. Now that he knows what his world looks like with Jisung around, every blank space has taken the shape of him. “Did you check out the link I sent you a few days ago?”Hyunjin stops scribbling on his sketchbook, eyebrows furrowed. The messy lines of his sketch stare back at him, and now the smiling old lady and her groceries bag he saw on the way home look like she’s waiting for the answer as well.“No, not yet, sorry,” he sighs a beat later, reaching out for his phone on the table to search through their message chat so he can find the link Jisung is talking about. “This week has been hectic and I forgot about it, my bad. Let me find it, yeah?”Hyunjin scrolls through a handful of poorly taken photos of their daily lives — a selfie on a foggy mirror after a dance lesson from Hyunjin, a snap of the fruit store from Jisung’s last grocery run in case Hyunjin ever wondered what a vegetable looked like, pictures of morning and midday and evening skies, dumb and blurry selfies while running errands. There were also strings of text messages checking on each other throughout the day, eventually escalating to a deep conversation related to political and personal issues that would be abruptly cut off by a meme or new topic at some point — and then all the voice messages, sometimes just a few seconds of nonsense and sometimes long enough to make up for a podcast episode.A tiny smile blossoms on his lips as Hyunjin swipes his thumb across the screen, chat bubbles rolling in front of his eyes. When he finally lands on the link Jisung is referring to, he’s taken to a ticketing website.“Holy shit,” Hyunjin blurts, straightening his back as he takes a better look. “SE SO NEON will be playing at your university’s festival?”“Yup,” Jisung agrees, popping the p to make himself sound cooler. “And I didn’t even tell you the best part yet. Guess who got cast to be press and cover the whole thing?”“No way,” he gasps, eyes and mouth wide. “Hannie, that’s amazing .”“Right?” Jisung says on the other side of the line, and Hyunjin can hear the smile in his voice, lips so stretched there’s no way it doesn’t hurt. “The whole festival thing is free, but there’s an afterparty and I got invited. I know it's last minute but I was wondering if maybe you’d like to come to Daegu for the weekend and be my plus one?”Hyunjin is still scanning the colorful list of artists and band names full of excitement, a yes already on the tip of his tongue when his gaze lands on the festival dates.“Oh,” he deflates immediately, shoulders suddenly heavy. It’s not like Hyunjin doesn’t know what waits for him when he rushes for his phone and checks his bank mobile application, but he does so anyway. His eyes start stinging, and it takes actual effort on his side to not sound so upset when he speaks again. “I — Sorry — I don’t think I can make it this time. Still running short on money to pay for my new iPad since the old one went to shit.”“Fuck, I’m so sorry,” He can almost hear a thud from how hard excitement falls off Jisung’s face. “I didn't mean to be insensitive — I just — I got so excited over it and the possibility of taking you with me — I forgot.”It was quite the sore spot for them: money, schedules, distance — issues that no power of will, friendship, or love could overcome. Jisung and Hyunjin would never hold it against each other, it was something none of them had control over, but it was hard not to feel powerless and consequently deeply frustrated.“No, don't apologize, what are you apologizing for?” Hyunjin rushes to add, voice softer. “I didn't get upset with you. It's just like you said — I got so excited with the news, the chance of seeing SE SO NEON live and screeching ‘MOTHER’ at Soyoon until she's left with no option but to take me as her child, and the chance of seeing you — only to see it get crushed in a matter of seconds because my bank account will be looking like a slaughterhouse for the next two months and I can't afford bus or train tickets. And I miss you so much —”Hyunjin misses him so much. So much sometimes he's afraid the void of Jisung’s absence might turn into a black hole and eat him up from the inside, so much Hyunjin has to take a deep breath to get a hold of himself and refrain from going to Daegu on a reckless whim every single week.“I know, baby. I miss you, too.”Hyunjin feels his chest constrict, so he decides to stop talking before he starts choking. “Some other time, then,” Jisung speaks, shifting to something soft and grounding. It’s second nature to him, Jisung is good at that — getting his act together and dusting dirt from his pants so he can help clear the mood. Sometimes it’s not enough to put the storm inside him at ease, but Hyunjin always holds on to Jisung’s comforting words like they’re a lifeline. “We’ll go and we’ll witness — not see, but witness , because I swear this is some real religious experience shit — Soyoon singing ‘A Long Dream’ and everything will be great.”Hyunjin’s phone rings on a Saturday evening. He’s huddled on the couch watching Felix, Chan, and Seungmin go at each other’s throats over the rules of UNO for the past fifteen minutes, recording the best parts of their fight to send in their group chat so the others can enjoy the show too. Minho and Jeongin start placing bets while Changbin tries to bring his own set of rules through the chat, but everything turns into background noise the moment Jisung’s name pops on his screen.Hyunjin sits up straight immediately, his heart skipping a beat. Jisung was supposed to be working at the moment, the University Festival he got called to cover as press taking place that weekend. Jisung shared a few things with Hyunjin over the day, like the coffee break table and all the snacks available, and Minho even sent them a whole photo album of Jisung posing in front of their door holding up his credentials before leaving earlier that morning.“Everything okay?” he asks as soon as he picks up the call. Hyunjin must sound really worried because the Third World War around the coffee table comes to a halt. “Hannie?”Instead of Jisung’s voice, Hyunjin is met with the crispy sound of poor service reception and the first chords that announce the start of a new song. He moves his phone away from his face and sees Jisung and his big smile taking over the screen.“Hey, you,” Jisung says, and he sounds so proud and happy with himself that it’s borderline ridiculous. If Hyunjin wasn’t already beaming as much as he physically could, he’d smile even more. “Would you have this song with me?”Hyunjin shakes his head, finding a better position while Jisung changes to his rear camera and gives him a full sight of the stage. He’s close, barricade close, and Hyunjin can almost feel his body drum with how loud the music is.His vision is already completely blurry from tears, but when Soyoon approaches her microphone and starts singing ‘A Long Dream’, Hyunjin lets out a choked sob that makes his entire frame shake.
The continuing days with suspicious night
At some point, I had changed a bit
When my faded laugh came out suddenly
A calm day when the blue wind stopped
At some point, I had changed a bit
When the heart inside of me got curious about you bit by bit
Jisung joins the song on the back, voice getting higher as they get closer to the chorus. He’s clearly making an effort to keep his arm steady so Hyunjin can keep watching, but the blurry images from when he starts enjoying himself way too much make the whole thing even better.
I want to shoot a movie with you
hold your hand and walk, run, fly with you
Why am I blooming when I look at you
I can change the world to be with you
So take my hand and walk run fly with you
After an unrealistic day flows by
When I want to pull you closer to me
It's a bit strange that I want to stop time like this for a while
“Next time,” Jisung yells at the camera so he can be heard over the loud cheers. “Next time we’ll be side by side for real. I’ll make sure of it.”
I want to shoot a movie with you
hold your hand and walk, run, fly with you
Why am I blooming when I look at you
I can change the world to be with you
So take my hand and walk run fly with you
When the song is over and Jisung finishes the call to get back to work, Hyunjin doesn’t move for a solid minute, eyes still glued to his phone screen.“I like Jisung,” he blurts, words falling from his mouth before he can even see them coming. “Oh my god, I like Jisung.”Everyone was trying their best to pretend they haven’t been paying full attention to him the past ten minutes, but this breaks the act. Seungmin stops mid-motion as he was passing a can of soda to Felix, and Chan opens and closes his mouth twice before he finally settles on what to say.“You’re only realizing this now?” Felix sounds so genuinely surprised it makes Hyunjin feel dumb. “For real?”His answer is very eloquent and a great representation of how he feels. “Wait — Uh — What ?”“Hyune, dear ,” Chan intervenes, and god he must be so fucked if, out of all people in this world, Bang Christopher Chan is in a position to be disclosing the news. “You two got a thing going on from day one.”There’s a solid moment when everyone can see realization dawning on Hyunjin’s head like a piano coming from the sky and striking a cartoon character. “Oh,” he exhales, a handful of metaphorical little starts floating around his head. Everything he once knew does a whole backflip inside his brain, and Hyunjin grips the fabric of his sweatpants vice-like as he takes a deep breath to gather his thoughts upon his most recent epiphany. “ Oh .”To be honest, as Hyunjin pried his eyes open, he kind of expected to see his entire life differently, to be faced with a big revelation — but everything looks and feels pretty much in the same place. “Okay,” he finally says, calm and composed. “Okay?” Felix asks, thumb stroking his thigh.“A-ha. Okay.” Hyunjin makes a point to reassure them, smiling softly before moving from his spot on the couch to join them at the table. “So, have you settled on whether one can or cannot add +2 cards over +4 cards, or are the weak links still bitching over it?”Jisung texts him when he gets home but Hyunjin is already asleep. Hyunjin smiles at the pictures Jisung took from the afterparty when he sees them the next morning, Minho piling up empty cups on their table as he made sure to milk the bar with free drinks to its last drop of liquor. There’s a specific voice message where Jisung’s voice is so slurred as he speaks nonsense about Digimon characters you can barely understand what he’s saying, and the more Hyunjin thinks about how Jisung is stupid the warmer his chest feels.So, come to think of it, there’s nothing new about liking Jisung. People always talk about love like it’s groundbreaking, but the oh-so-huge ‘L-word’ doesn’t make Hyunjin see things any differently. Snow keeps falling. Hyunjin and Seungmin go grocery shopping like they do every Sunday. His mom calls like she does every week and sends him new pictures of Kkami. Hyunjin loves Jisung. Life goes on.
SPRING
Spring arrives the same day Hyunjin blows out the candles on top of his birthday cake.He knows his friends are up to something because at this point it’s tradition for them so it's not a matter of if but what . Hyunjin is in his bedroom when the clock hits midnight, scrolling through social media and finishing his skincare routine, and then — nothing happens.He gets a text from his mother, but Seungmin doesn't yank the door open, walking in to look him dead in the eye and say “Congratulations on being the first of us to turn into a hag”. Felix doesn't blow his phone with so many messages and stickers it almost shuts down. Jisung — well, Jisung is new territory.Another minute goes in silence and Hyunjin is about to call it a night when there's a knock on his door.“You're late,” Hyunjin huffs, opening his door so Seungmin can come in and play his part.It’s not Seungmin. Instead, he comes face to face with a set of way too familiar big eyes and an even bigger smile.“Technically, I'm 12 hours earlier if we go by Brasilia’s Standard Time in South America,” Jisung says, trying to play cool. He's such a loser, and Hyunjin is no better.They keep smiling dumbly in front of Hyunjin’s doorstep for another moment before going for a hug. Hyunjin’s entire body goes lax the moment he takes in Jisung’s familiar scent and heat. It's been almost two months since they last saw each other, but finding their way around each other comes naturally like muscle memory.“Are you done?” Seungmin asks eventually, standing in the hallway in his pajamas. Hyunjin and Jisung pull away from each other. “Congratulations on being the first of us to turn into a hag.”Hyunjin throws his head back with laughter. There it is. “Thank you, Minnie.”“Wait, wait ,” Jisung nearly wails as he turns to Seungmin. He holds up a finger towards him, clearly wounded and exasperated and very Jisung-like . “Seungmin! What the fuck? I was supposed to be the first one to wish him Happy Birthday this time!”Seungmin smiles something wicked, clearly enjoying the utmost betrayal on Jisung’s face like candy. “As if. Better luck next time.” “It's so fitting that you're a literal child of Spring,” Jisung points out the next morning when they go out for brunch, watching intently as Hyunjin reaches for his third croissant.“Why, because I'm gay and that's the gayest season of the year?”“No — I mean — Well, that too,” Jisung splutters, caught off guard. He tries to throw a napkin at Hyunjin, but it doesn't land. “But I was going to say that Spring suits you because it's the season of metamorphosis — and, you know, things literally bloom around you.”His cheeks go red. Suddenly Hyunjin is not feeling all smart and funny anymore, but he tries to keep the act. “Are you saying that I changed your life, Han Jisung?”“Isn't that obvious?” Jisung sounds almost offended that this is even a question. “I spent a weekend with you and halfway through it I already knew me and my life would never be the same.”“And you still had the guts to keep a troublemaker like me around.”“Don’t you dare say it like it's a bad thing,” Jisung says, his voice quieter. His eyes are fully trained on Hyunjin when he speaks, and it’s endearing how serious Jisung gets when it comes down to this. “Having you in my life is probably one of the best and most important things to ever happen to me.” “Why are you trying to come for my neck?” Hyunjin whines miserably. “On my birthday?”“Because I know you feel the same way and sometimes it freaks you out because you think it's too much and you might scare me off,” he shrugs. “So there, I said it. You don't have to worry about it.”Jisung does this thing where he says the most heart-wrenching things with a bare face like he's talking about the weather instead of saying words that might give the people around him a breakdown. One of these days he'll give someone a stroke and Hyunjin is afraid he'll be the first in line. There’s this Chilean poet called Pablo Neruda that says you can cut all the flowers, but you cannot keep Spring from coming.And you see, the thing about Hyunjin and Jisung it's that it was hard to define a turning point between them. Looking at their bond kinda felt like collecting seashells at the beach, pretty little fragments spread across the time since they met. Some could be more colorful under the sunlight, but it was more of a matter of having a bucket full of moments that led them to be this close and intimate than one specific thing to pinpoint as a catalyst.So just like flowers bloom and fruits go ripe, Spring comes, and ‘love’ as Hyunjin and Jisung once knew inevitably metamorphoses into something slightly different but not unknown at all.It’s past 1 AM when it happens. They’re both in the kitchen, Hyunjin is leaning against the counter as he watches Jisung go through the kitchen cabinets looking for tea so they can drink something warm after walking in the cold on their way back from their night out.“You good, baby?” Jisung asks, finally finding a few tea packs and reaching for the cupboard.It’s April now, and even though the weather is slowly warming up, it’s still too soon to go out wearing only a jacket. However, Hwang Hyunjin is far too stubborn to give up on his styling choices once he made up his mind, even if that means spending the whole night feeling cold. Tired of seeing him teeth-chatter, Jisung shoves one of his hoodies — that have been claimed as property of Hyunjin and Seungmin’s household for a few months now — over Hyunjin’s head as soon as they walk inside. Hyunjin grunts just to not miss the opportunity of making a scene, but he’s feeling warm in and out when he whispers a soft thank you to Jisung.“All good,” he hums, closing his eyes. “You good?”“Needed a few glasses of water to avoid waking up like a corpse tomorrow morning,” Jisung chuckles loosely. “Other than that, I’m as peachy as the tea I’m making for us.”Comfortable silence fills the room. Warm, cozy, and still pretty buzzed — maybe none of them needed that extra round of plum-flavored soju —, Hyunjin closes his eyes and enjoys Jisung’s sweet voice as he hums a song to himself when he eventually realizes he can’t recognize.
Will you tell me about yourself?
You, who was seen from afar
I don't want to just watch without doing anything
Yeah, just tell me about you
“What’s the name of this song?” he asks, squinting. The way Jisung stills for a split second is almost imperceptible, a deer caught in the headlights, but Hyunjin knows him all too well to be fooled. “Oh, it’s yours?”Jisung looks conflicted for a moment, embarrassment taking over his features and making him look nauseated. Hyunjin doesn’t push it, knowing better than press Jisung into talking about his music unless he feels like it.“Yeah, uh — It’s called Close ,” Jisung shares at some point, fingers tapping against his mug as he blows air into it. “I wrote it sometime after the Busan Rock Festival.”Hyunjin knows the answer but whispers the words out in the open anyway. “After we met.”The corners of Jisung’s pretty lips curl into a shy smile. His cheeks flush a soft pink, but both of them know it has nothing to do with the tea. “After we met.”“It’s good,” Hyunjin hums. “I like it.”“You say that about all of my songs.”It’s true. “What can I say? I’m a huge fan.”Jisung laughs at that, eyes crinkling. He puts down his mug right next to where Hyunjin’s lays untouched, inching closer to brush Hyunjin’s long hair out of his face and tuck a loose strand behind his ear. Hyunjin melts into his touch as Jisung’s thumb rubs a gentle caress against his cheek, wishing he could drown in his gaze and warmth. After taking photography and art as a hobby for a while, Hyunjin realized that he’s started to perceive his surroundings a bit differently — as if sometimes time slows down for a while so he can take a better look at colors, textures, lighting, keep these small details for himself as resources for his artworks or mere souvenirs. Not all of the things he spots as potential artworks get to be turned into proper pieces, but Hyunjin can always picture them clearly; more often than not, he spots art all over his loved ones, be it Felix’s freckles, Chan’s sharp edges, Minho’s body movements. And right now, especially up this close, under the dim light of the kitchen, smudged makeup still waiting to be removed and hair falling over blown pupils, Jisung looks beautiful.This time, instead of snapping a picture, Hyunjin leans in and kisses him.He doesn’t know how long it lasts. It could’ve been a minute or an hour. All Hyunjin knows is that Jisung kisses him back, hands reaching for the back of his head as Hyunjin’s arms snake around his waist, pulling their bodies closer.It’s not an ideal kiss. Maybe you’d expect two people who know each other so well to be more harmonic, but Hyunjin and Jisung’s teeth clash and they don’t find the right pace right away, because turns out that when something inevitable finally happens it can be a little overwhelming.That is why things get considerably messy the moment they pull away from each other.“Wait,” Jisung says, frantically scrambling for his phone as soon as they pull away from the kiss. “I can’t do this, no way.”Every single bone of Hyunjin’s body is traded for ice right there and then. He sobers up in a split second when he sees Jisung take a step back, rambling to himself as he taps on his phone viciously. A nauseating wave of fear takes over him. It wasn’t the first time they kissed, but it was the first time they kissed like this and maybe Hyunjin had done something wrong. Maybe Hyunjin overstepped and now they crossed a line they weren’t supposed to. Hyunjin tries not to freak out, but it’s already too late for that.“Honey?” Jisung calls, concern in his voice as he places a hand on top of Hyunjin’s arm to shake him from his stupor. His touch almost makes Hyunjin cry. “Are you okay?”Hyunjin is panicked, mortified, and feeling completely insane, but instead of saying so he finds it in him the strength to choke a reply that is just another question. “What are you doing?”Jisung looks down at his phone screen and then back at him, uncertain. “Uh, trying to change my bus tickets?”The turmoil inside him increases. Hyunjin grips the counter and braces himself for the crash when he asks the next question. His voice wobbles. “Why?”“What do you mean, why?” Jisung offers like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Because my bus leaves tomorrow morning and there’s no way in hell I’m kissing you and then leaving first thing the next day.”Hyunjin took morphine once, back when he went through an appendix removal and the nurses gave him some to manage the pains of the surgery. He reminds the feeling vividly up to this day: how everything hurt and felt unbearably awful, and then suddenly all of it was washed away, giving room to a kind of relief he’s never felt before.Judging by the way Hyunjin’s labored breath fills the kitchen as tears wash down his face, Jisung’s words seem to work similarly.When Hyunjin finally finds his words again, the first thing that comes out of his mouth sounds so frail Jisung feels his heart break into pieces. “I’m so sorry. I —”“Oh, baby,” Jisung mutters, holding Hyunjin’s face between his hands tenderly. Hyunjin allows himself to be pulled into a hug, roles switched as this time he’s the one that feels oddly small in Jisung’s arms. “I know you’re afraid, but don’t worry. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”Jisung holds him tighter, and Hyunjin feels his entire body shake. They stay like that for a while, and just like their kiss, it could have been a minute or an hour. When Hyunjin’s tears stop and his shoulders no longer feel like an earthquake, Jisung holds his face again and stares him right in the eye, ever so kind and determined when it comes to them.“Do you trust me?” he asks, and Hyunjin nods without a thought. “Then let’s get a tall glass of water, brush our teeth and get ourselves tucked in bed. We're as good as ever, I promise.”In the end, they walk back to Hyunjin’s room in soft steps, cups of tea turned cold on the kitchen counter. Jisung washes his face with soap and falls asleep sitting on the toilet as Hyunjin goes through all the steps of his skincare routine. When he’s done, he guides Jisung to bed and they change before curling up under the warm blankets.They don’t kiss again that night, but Jisung still goes for his usual spot, pressing his face against Hyunjin’s shoulder and throwing a leg over him, and somehow this is even more intimate and soothing. Morning comes too soon. Hyunjin wakes up once, heart drumming fast as he thinks of what happened the night before. Before he can even start getting nervous, Jisung turns to his side and grabs him by the waist.“Go back to bed, dumbass,” he mumbles, voice hoarse. “Don't lose sleep over it. It's just us.”Hyunjin slumps back into the mattress. As he drifts back to sleep, he holds on to that.This time, when Hyunjin wakes up again, he’s fully sober and thankful for all of Jisung’s glasses of water. Jisung wakes up not much after, sitting up in the bed with his hair pointing everywhere. Once they shower, brush the foul alcohol breath out of their mouths, and make sure no one is going to retch in the bathroom, they put Seungmin’s fancy coffee pot to work and get themselves a mug each before finally moving to the couch.Seungmin comes out of his room when he hears shuffling, but upon seeing the two of them sitting straight and awkward in front of each other, he groans something about going back to bed and waking him up once they got their shit together and are in the mood for take out.After the door to his room clicks shut, it’s just the two of them and Hyunjin goes back to feeling nervous.“Hwang Hyunjin,” Jisung says, an octave lower. “You must be wondering why I called you here.”Hyunjin slaps him. “Don’t play with me!” he yells, throwing his head back in frustration. “I’m this close to freaking out again.”“Okay, okay, I’m sorry,” Jisung agrees, shoulders dropping as he exhales. He looks up at Hyunjin, holding out a hand to him. “Let’s talk it out, then.”Hyunjin’s eyes travel to Jisung’s smaller hand and then back at him. Jisung is smiling, calm and welcoming, and suddenly Hyunjin feels very foolish for ever thinking that an awkward kiss would be enough to mess up what they have.He reaches for Jisung’s hand and locks their fingers together. “Yeah, let’s do it.”“So, newsflash, we like each other,” Jisung addresses, a stupid grin on his face. “I mean, I’m pretty sure that was obvious from the very start and that everyone and their moms are aware, but we never addressed it until now. Thoughts?”Hyunjin looks down at his coffee to gather his thoughts before he speaks.“I don’t know, I just didn’t want to make a big deal out of it,” he shrugs, playing with a strand of his hair. “I love you in so many other ways, but somehow liking someone always puts things at risk. Guess I was afraid that liking you would get in our way, and I couldn’t have that.”Coming to terms with the fact that he liked Jisung was effortlessly easy, but addressing it was a whole other thing. Liking someone like that always feels like something so much more volatile and easy to screw up. And of course, Hyunjin knows his relationship with Jisung isn’t like that, this is not who they are. But it’s hard to move freely with ghosts on your shoulders, and sometimes it’s still hard to believe someone could love him as unconditionally as Jisung does.“What about you?” he asks, squeezing Jisung’s hand. “Why didn’t you say anything about it?”Jisung grimaces, scratching the back of his head. “For starters, because I understand where you come from. Also, I didn’t want to make you feel like you had to feel the same way about me or anything like that. I was fine liking you and leaving it at that. I didn’t want things to change just because of it.”“It’s so stupid, right?” Hyunjin exclaims, letting go of Jisung’s hand so he can dramatically throw his arms up in the air in exasperation. “I mean, okay, I like you! And what about it? Nothing has to change.”“Just for the sake of keeping things clear, though,” Jisung asks, quietly. “Can we be pragmatic about this just for a moment so we both can make sure we’re on the same page?”It’s the most Han Jisung thing to say, and Hyunjin loves him for that. “Sure thing, loverboy. Go ahead.”They end up spending the next forty minutes examining what could be counted as liking each other and what was just their average relationship, only to realize they really couldn’t tell.When they finally give up on semantics, both Jisung and Hyunjin are so stressed over how conceptually ridiculous this whole discussion is that they end up spluttering with laughter. “Maybe we should give up on trying to come up with a name for it,” Hyunjin offers, fingers carding through Jisung’s hair and watching as he kicks his feet in the air in frustration. “If anyone asks, I'm telling them you're my Jisung, whatever that means.”Jisung finger guns him. “Works for me.”“Then it's settled,” Hyunjin chuckles, a weight lifted off his chest. “Now that we got this out of the way, can’t you just kiss me instead?”Jisung can, and so he stretches out an arm and pulls Hyunjin by the nape, making him bend over to meet Jisung where he’s resting on his lap. He presses their lips together, and the topic is left behind.Snow is finally giving the first hints of melting. Seungmin walks into them making out on the couch and doesn’t look impressed in the slightest. They give up on ordering fried chicken when they spot containers of Jisung’s Dad’s stew in the freezer. Hyunjin goes with Jisung to the station later that day and still has to look away when he goes inside his bus back to Daegu. Jisung sends him a selfie when he gets home, wearing a beanie he stole from Hyunjin’s drawer. It's just them. Nothing has to change, so nothing does.