Work Text
Jesus Christ swaggered into school with his bad 😎 black leather jacket. He was feeling confident about his new smexy trainers, and it was the first day of senior year! When all of a sudden, he collided into a body. Because of his rock hard abs, Jesus stood standing, unfortunately for the other body, she fell down, grabbing the hem of Jesus' shirt, taking Jesus down with her. “Excuse me?” Jesus exclaimed, finding himself entangled in limbs with a small curvy girl. He looked down on the girl we was on top of, taking in her profile. His reaction was like Edward Cullen to Bella swan. Her fierce, passionate gaze, pieced his soul, revealing everything about him to her. Suddenly, she yelled at him:“You doofus, get off me”He scrambled to get off girl, leaving her to rid herself of the dust on he pants. “Im so sorry, ill clean that up for you”He smacked her ass in order to get rid off the dust. She froze, and Jesus quickly realised the mistake he made. “I- I didnt mean to do that- I- I'm so sorry. "“you pERVERT” she slapped him and stormed off—————————————————
(Time skip brought to you buy Sarah and duck)
—————————————————
It was 10:30, and time for geography class “Ugh, I hate geography” ,Jesus exclaimed, as he entered the classroom. Is eyes travelled to his usual seat in the back row, only to see it was already occupied. He stormed over to h i s seat, and yelled,“excUSE me biatch, thats my seat !!!!” he slammed his hand on the desk, and looked into the thief’s eyes. “I didn’t steal y o u r seat” the girl retorted, with a gleam in her eyes“But you stole my heart”, Jesus mumbled, but loud enough for everyone to hear.“What?”, the girl spluttered, she was taken aback by this unexpected plot twist“What?” Jesus replied, unaware of what he as just said. A voice called out from across the room, “what the fuck, is this allowed, what the fuck, is that allowed?”. Jesus suddenly realised how close he was to 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥𝘴 face. He stumbled back, and turned to face his best friend, sam sung, who gave him a knowing smirk 😏.“Shut up”, an insignificant character in this story cried, ”they’re having a moment, and as side characters, we are obliged to watch it and not puke” Sam sung strolled over, applying is cherry red chapstick (because he’s painfully gay) and pushed Jesus into the seat in front of the girl.“Have fun” sam sung winked, and sashayed away, still applying his cherry red chapstick. (guess why, it's because he's painfully excruciatingly gay)The teacher then walked in. He dropped a few fashion magazines on the table, then yelled at the class: “Listen up, I hate you, and I hate myself even more and I failed geography for a reason. Im going to put on a documentary about animal reproduction, and if you DARE to disturb me I will feed you to my son - the human one.”The teacher then promptly fell asleep, without putting on a documentary. the class immediately erupted into chaos “Do you wanna get out of here” Jesus tiny winked at the girl“Sure” she agreed “but not because I like you or anything”, she quickly confirmed.“I didn’t catch your name by the way” Jesus added hopefullyShe paused for a second, then hesitantly announced, "It's Shan.." They quickly left the classroom before anyone noticed they slipped out, and started heading down the corridor. Most unfortunately for them, the head teacher was about to turn the corner. Luckily, Jesus heard her loud clanky high heels, and with his quick reflexes, shoved Shan and himself into the broom closet.They were in near juxtaposition, when Jesus finally heard the high heels pass. “You’re direct, aren’t you” Shan said, grabbing the tie that had conveniently appeared around his neck and aggressively snogged him. ————————————————————————
(Time skip brought to you by dora the explorer)
———————————————————————— The bell rang as the new couple rushed out of school “Do you live alone?” Shan asked “do you wanna come over to mine tonight”“I live with my mum and dad” Jesus explained “but she’s convinced she and dad never fucked, which is weird. Im sure I can stay over”“Nice, she smirked” ————————————————————————
( Another time skip brought to you by yo mama)
———————————————————————— “Im home” Shan cried cried as she unlocked the door. She was greeted with a chorus of hellos.“Hello Shangamongacheesecheese” her mother approached her “who’s this hottie?” She asked as she winked at him "That's your name?" Jesus laughed, grinning like an idiot. She smacked him. "Don't you dare call me that, or I'll feed you to the children in my basement-""We dont have a basement dear," her mom interrupted, unfazed."Anyway, call me Lala." Shan - I mean Lala said firmly. She turned back to her mother. “This is my boyfriend, Jesus Christ” That gathered the attention of the rest of the house. All 3 other sisters ran to the room, and her father looked up from the newspaper he was reading.“Not bad sis” one of her sisters complimented."I mean, better than the last dude," said another."What last dude?" Jesus asked obliviously. There was an awkward silence. "Nevermind!" Lala said cheerfully gesturing around the room at three other identical versions of herself. "These are my sisters!""This is Tahmelapachme-" she paused. "Just call her Tinkywinky-""Or Kinkywinky," the first girl winked. "That's Dipsy," Lala continued loudly, pointedly ignoring Tinkywinky. "And that's Po.""Pleased to meet you...ladies." Jesus stuttered, running a hand through his silky, luscious, voluminous, flowy, beautiful hair."Anyway, we'll be upstairs if you need us," Lala said, grabbing his arm and pulling him towards her room. "Remember to close the door!" her mother shouted. --------------------------------------
( yet one more timeskip brought to you by daddy satan)
-------------------------------------- "Jesus...there's something I need to tell you," Lala said tearfully."What?" he asked dumbly. "You're pregnant? It's too early for you to know...are you cheating on me?""What the hell!" Lala screeched. "We've been together for less than half a day you dimwit! If anything i'm cheating on my other partner with you!""Wait what?""Nothing. That's besides the point.""What is the point then? If you're pregnant we're breaking up!" Jesus said mercilessly. "Well I can tell this relationship isn't gonna be long term, but anyway" she sighed, pressing a button underneath the bed they were sitting on.Suddenly, they were in an elevator leading to an underground basement with high tech gadgets like Tony Stark in the class cases around them. "My family is part of the Russian Mafia! And my mission is to kill you!" she cried. There was another long silence as Jesus looked at her, betrayed."I thought we really had something!" he exclaimed. "You were that loner goth chic and I was that cool kid with the gay-ass friend!""Yeah," she replied cooly. "I was young and foolish back then.""That was this morning!""People change.""Whatever!" Jesus screamed, turning to the door which had just appeared out of nowhere. "I'm done with this!"He walked towards the door angrily, but Lala ran after him. "No! Don't leave me!" she said sorrowfully. (Imagine Maria and Hamilton)"Okay," he said. "Meet me at school at five am tomorrow."-------------------------------
(timeskip brought to you by your español teacher)
-------------------------------------- Lala was having a mental breakdown. It was 5am and she was waiting for Jesus to arrive. She suddenly saw him and her heart rate sped up. She was so in love.Jesus caught sight of her and broke into a run to meet her. "I love you!" he cried. He picked her up in bridal style as she burst into tears."You do?" she sobbed."I do!" Jesus replied, immediately breaking into a perfect chorus of sad song by we the kings. "Youuuuuuuu and iiiiiiiiiiii" he sang. "we're like fireworks and symphonies exploding in the skyyyyyyyyy" He didn't even know the song till then but everything just fell into place. "With you, I'm aliveLike all the missing pieces of my heart, they finally collideSo stop time right here in the moonlight'Cause I don't ever wanna close my eyes
Without you, I feel broke
Like I'm half of a whole
Without you, I've got no hand to hold
Without you, I feel torn
Like a sail in a storm
Without you, I'm just a sad song
I'm just a sad song" Lala opened her mouth to join in. "With youuuuuuuu, I fallllllllll" Suddenly she collapsed to the ground, coughing blood. There was a bullet in her chest!!!! NANI !!??? The intercom turned on."Mwahahaa. This is what you get for not finishing your mission Agent Lala." "NO!" Jesus sobbed."Hold me!" Lala begged as she coughed up blood. "Lala I have to tell you something..." Jesus confessed."What is it?" she asked curiously."I...fucked your sister.""W-which one?" she asked, sin shock, tears streaming down her face."The blonde one..." he said regretfully."That's my mom!" Jesus looked for help, but only saw the mafia leader trying to run away. His eyes burned with rage as he left Lala to die, and grabbed the mafia person by the neck. "You shall pay for this!" he cried as he swallowed him whole."That was a crunchy one..."
THE END