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Rudi Gillen had heard enough. In fact, he had already listened to his entire cassette twice and was only relistening to selected fragments on his walk to the library. He turned off his Walkman and removed his headset.The case report for his elective class, Forensic Psychology II, was due at the end of the week, so he was taking all the time he could find to review the provided materials.The cassette tapes were interesting: they documented the accounts of interviewed criminals in a way that preserved more than just their words, but also their delivered feeling and cadence. There was a lot to be gleaned from that, much more than what could be gleaned from the written word or memory alone.Even the pauses: those were important, too. They conveyed an inner thought, something concealed, that the speaker was pondering if or how to express. While Rudi was no expert in forensic psychology, he knew that the thoughtless dismissal of every pause was a rookie mistake.Indeed, when dealing with criminals, or anyone with a heavy heart, for that matter, a keen ear for silence was almost essential to understanding. Rudi loved silence.Though he wished he could devote the evening to Forensic Psychology II, that was not sensible for his time budget. On the contrary, he was seeking a useful study aid for the Intro To Legal Medicine exam that was just around the corner. It would be his final exam of the semester, which seemed falsely distant. It was just over a week away.The early evening atmosphere was mild, and stepping into the library, he found the air too cool, for the air conditioner whirring at the entrance was set presumptuously high. Rudi rolled his eyes. It was not summer just yet, and turning up the cooling wouldn't make the time pass any quicker.Soon enough, exams would come to an end and Rudi would be able to drop his shoulders, if only briefly. Until then, he was wholly focused on academics. If anything, he wished time would slow down so he could extend his study plans. He was determined to end the semester with the top grades in each of his classes. He would not let anyone stand between him and his goal.Truthfully, only one person posed a threat to his desired status, and that person was the new exchange student, Kenzo Tenma. Rudi was determined to surpass Kenzo’s final grades after the humiliation of being overtaken during midterms.After spending each of the prior semesters being quietly respected—Rudi had heard whisperings of the genius at the top of the cohort—it was deeply unsettling to so quickly be dismissed because of this new student.In addition to being highly intelligent, Kenzo also possessed certain admirable traits that Rudi lacked: he was tall and handsome, with a merry, welcoming air about him. Being the only Japanese student in the cohort, he stood out like a sore thumb, but his charming smile and brilliant mind quickly won him many friends. He could be found chatting with his peers before and after just about every class, Rudi noticed.Perhaps some of these peers had also been drawn to Rudi during his first semester, but being classmates first and foremost, how could any relationship with them have developed into anything but competitive? Rudi could have friends outside the realm of school, but he saw no reason to befriend someone he was competing with every day. What was there to gain? He preferred working alone and allowing his peers to admire his intellect from afar.It would be redundant to mention that Rudi planned on studying for finals by himself. The study groups that formed during finals had always eluded him, seeming more like time sinks for social activity than stimuli for productive studying.He had been recommended a supplementary textbook by a professor and was excited to finally acquire it and study in solitude. The library was a peaceful sanctuary for him, a safe little box that promised productive silence, only interrupted by the whirring air conditioner, the occasional whisper, and clacking keyboards.With his cassette player in his pocket and headset dangling around his neck, where it often rested when he wasn't wearing it over his ears, he wandered until he found the legal section. He strolled down an aisle of books and quickly located a spine that read, "Law, Medicine, and Ethics".Bingo!He reached for the textbook, but his fingers hardly grazed the bottom edge of its spine. The book was too high up, even when he rose to his toes. Embarrassing as it was, he resigned that he would need to ask for assistance.Suddenly, he sensed a massive gravity behind him, and only an instant later, a hand was taking his desired textbook off the shelf. Quickly spinning around, Rudi found that looming behind him was none other than Kenzo Tenma.He stumbled back with a squeak, cushioned by the wall of books behind him as he collected himself from the surprise.The exchange student's height matched his grand reputation, as he practically cast a shadow over Rudi. Some would say that Kenzo was too often smiling for it to be fitting that he cast shadows over others, but aside from his bright smile, Rudi found the notion extremely fitting of the young genius.At that moment, Kenzo was not smiling."Hi, Rudi.""You surprised me," Rudi stammered.Kenzo handed over the textbook. It was a hefty hardcover: brand new, with a pristine, shiny finish.“Thank you,” Rudi croaked. His heart was still thumping loudly against his ribs from the initial startle. After quickly scanning the textbook cover, he glanced back at Kenzo.Something was off about the way he stood before Rudi, who was still leaning against the bookshelf to maximize the space between them. With his shoulders hunched up, Kenzo offered no eye contact with the doe eyes Rudi had quickly come to dislike. His black hair was a bit rumpled, too. Belatedly, Rudi noticed that his complexion was unusually red."What's up?"A strange apprehension was blooming in Rudi's chest just from the sight of his classmate. Though he told himself that he would have preferred to run off and begin studying, Kenzo's presence always arrived with a bit of exhilaration.Kenzo, Rudi's legendary and acclaimed opponent, was imminently before him, fidgeting. What could have rendered the genius out of sorts?A small paper in his hands crumpled slightly as he fidgeted, visibly searching for words but failing to find any.Rudi raised an eyebrow. "Are you alright?"“Yes, yes,” Kenzo quickly assured, his eyes still wandering. “Are you preparing for the Legal Medicine final?” He gestured at the textbook in Rudi’s hands.“Yes.”Kenzo simply nodded when Rudi failed to elaborate. Rudi smirked a bit as if to inquire if the interaction was complete, but Kenzo didn't notice, instead shiftily glancing around like a wanted criminal."By the way,” Kenzo peeped, “I was just chatting with some classmates, and they made—they told me I should ask you about this note?"Rudi's narrowed eyes landed on the little pink paper Kenzo was clenching. His patience was running thin, but he was likewise intrigued by his rival’s strange demeanour, and the residue of surprise was still thick in his chest."A note? What are you talking about?"Kenzo took a step closer, practically careening over his classmate, who could step back no further without falling through the bookcase behind him."There was a love letter in my locker today,” Kenzo whispered.Rudi flinched.Was he hallucinating? He needed a good pinch to verify that he wasn't, but not from Kenzo. Anyone but him would suffice.Their relationship had rarely surpassed a simple hello since the awkward exchange of “Nice to meet you”s of their first meeting, and suddenly Kenzo was mentioning love letters. It didn't make sense.“It has my name on it, so I suppose it is for me,” Kenzo continued in a hush, still fidgeting with his paper, “Everyone said you'd be able to tell me who it was from since you're so good at forensic psychology."Rudi felt assaulted by this avalanche of information. Was Kenzo messing with him? Were he and his friends simply looking to get a laugh at the loner student? What kind of person wrote anonymous love letters as a grown adult in medical school? Surely, this was some sort of prank.He recalled a particularly rowdy conversation surrounding Kenzo's seat during their morning lecture. He had tuned out the noise with his headset, but had that commotion been over a letter? Perhaps there was some level of truth to this. Upon reflection, it actually made a lot of sense.Of course Kenzo would be the recipient of a love letter. Everyone was enamoured with his intellect and effortless charm, and a day seldom passed without Rudi overhearing his classmates applauding these feats. This was just another opportunity for Kenzo to be the centre of attention, so of course Rudi had to be subjected to it somehow. He detested his creeping curiosity to read the letter. After all, he had visited the library to focus on his studies, not on Kenzo Tenma! But still, the prospect of being selected to read the letter was somewhat delectable.Carefully slithering out of the little corner Kenzo had backed him into, maintaining his textbook over his chest like a plate of armour, Rudi responded slowly."And you already showed it to your friends? They couldn't figure it out after reading it?""No!” Kenzo exclaimed, slightly loud for the setting. His almond eyes illuminated, suddenly impassioned. “It's private, so I didn’t actually share it,” he continued softly. "Whoever wrote this wrote it for me to read, not the whole student body."Rudi raised an eyebrow. "So I'm guessing the same goes for me?"If that were the case, Rudi was unsure why he had been approached at all.With twisted lips, Kenzo studied his pink paper, which he held with both hands as if one was not enough to protect it. Rudi watched as his doe eyes drifted across the page. By the rosiness of his cheeks alone, Rudi was inclined to think the situation genuine. It was unclear, however, whether Kenzo was pondering a response or if he was simply perusing his letter.Would Rudi be allowed to read it or not? Was he an exception or was this a waste of time? Wouldn't this have been a waste of time regardless? It was time to study."Just tell them I didn't know who it was," Rudi finally said.He had watched Kenzo squirm in search of an answer for long enough. The silence was telling: clearly, Rudi had not actually been selected by Kenzo to read the letter.At those words, Kenzo perked up like a sunflower in the morning."You can pretend to read it, though. For their benefit,” he said, a little breathless. With caution that bordered on comical, he peered over his shoulder. “I don't know if anyone followed me here.""Don't be ridiculous," Rudi snorted. The command was posthumous to say the least.Still, he took the letter as Kenzo handed it to him, the backside towards his face. Just to humour his classmate. And yet, he felt the wild pulse in his wrist as he grabbed onto it. Through the thin paper, he could parse the shape of the flowery border encircling the perimeter and the imprint of pen against the page.He could have easily turned the letter over and betrayed Kenzo's unwarranted trust not to read it, but he didn't, resisting his inexplicable curiosity. There was no explaining why his heart was drumming so fiercely as he pondered the backwards-facing letter in his hand, why he felt as clammy and warm as Kenzo looked.Deciphering the reversed imprint of the handwriting would be impossible to accomplish quickly enough, Rudi resigned, but he was quite certain that at the top of the page he had properly decoded two cursive words:
Dear Kenzo,
"So, you're studying for Legal Medicine?" Kenzo asked a second time, a little more collected than he had been a minute ago.Rudi snapped out of his trance with a startle, nearly dropping his textbook. He nodded furtively, clearing his throat before responding.“Yes. I need to do well on that final,” he said, faintly snarky.He returned the letter and Kenzo folded it twice before putting it in his breast pocket."Why don't you come and join us, then?" Kenzo offered a small smile, "We're all in a booked study room right now. I noticed you walking by. That's when I was urged to ask you about this."Rudi frowned.How many times would Kenzo mention that he had friends in a study group? Was it just to highlight that Rudi was solitary? Didn't he realize how unproductive that setup was?"It's probably best that I don't," he said.Rudi had no interest in lecturing his classmates on curriculum just so they could catch up to him. What would he benefit from that? All they had to offer in return was their respect, something his intelligence should have already earned him. They would only be demanding and selfish, sapping his valuable time like leeches, hungry for his knowledge. Even worse, they could ask him about Kenzo’s letter, which would be a whole other time sink.Indeed, school friends were demanding and selfish. They made one do things that one simply did not wish to do—a perfect example was right before Rudi, though he could scarcely accept the notion that Kenzo wasn’t getting at least a little pleasure from this.Kenzo simply nodded. "I see. Well, I’m sorry to have troubled you with this. Truly, I wouldn’t deliberately mean for anyone to know about it, but I was with some classmates when I found it in my locker."Again with the mention of his friends. Rudi silently shrugged his shoulders and began to walk away."Can I ask you one more question, Rudi?"Rudi stopped and glanced back at Kenzo, who was clasping his hands together as if in prayer.“Yeah.”“Do you actually think you would know who the letter is from if I let you look at it?”Rudi stifled a laugh. There was one way to certainly answer to that question, but Kenzo was too melodramatic to entertain it, so why bother asking?“Oh, definitely.”He wasn’t sure why he said it when he didn’t believe it, but at the other end of the aisle, Kenzo suddenly smirked, breaking into soft, melodious laughter. His amusement brimmed Rudi’s chest with warmth, and he realized that for some time the library hadn’t felt overcooled anymore."If you really want my opinion, Kenzo, this letter is pointless,” he continued. “I don’t need to read it to know that. We're in medical school. We don't have time for this kind of stuff."With little time for friendship, there was certainly no time to entertain fickle romance. Someone as intelligent as Kenzo should have known that.But no: Kenzo’s expression deflated."I understand what you mean,” he quickly said, “but I also think whoever wrote this must be really brave.” He paused and held a hand over his breast pocket, where he had tucked his note. “It's productive to be open and honest about how you feel, and I respect this person for doing that. I think that’s what matters here. This shouldn’t be reduced to a point of gossip, but something more meaningful."Kenzo followed his classmate to the end of the aisle, his doe eyes wide but indiscernible as always.“Do you agree?”Time seemed to stretch as Rudi registered Kenzo's words; they took longer to reach him than the space between them required. A faint echo of chirping sparrows tinged the air; apparently, someone had opened a window."It's easier to be honest when you're anonymous,” Rudi said, clenching his textbook against his chest, “We'd all be honest if there was no risk of negative consequences. Ask me that question again when the letter is signed with a name, and you'll get a different answer.""That may be true, but…"“Just tell your pals I couldn’t figure out who it was, okay?” Rudi huffed. He concealed the emerging tremor in his fingers by pressing them tightly against his textbook. “I wish you luck in your" — he paused, twisted his lips before finishing the sentence — "studying.”Kenzo bowed slightly and mumbled a small, “See you around, then,” as Rudi left to check out his book. After that, he put his headset on, though he did not turn on his Walkman. He would not risk being interrupted again. As he headed towards the exit, he passed by the private study rooms, walled with glass, and he found inside one of them a pack of his classmates sitting around a large table, Kenzo closest to the door.While his peers appeared to be happily chattering, Kenzo’s nose was deep in a textbook. Even half-concealed, he was easy to pick out, being the only brunet in the room. As if on cue, his head rose from his page. Rudi smiled faintly, waving hesitantly, but Kenzo hadn’t noticed him; he began speaking inaudibly to his peers, his brow deeply furrowed as he gestured at one of his many books.Since Kenzo wasn't going to notice him, Rudi hurried out of the library before anyone else could.What a tremendous waste of time to surround oneself with friends while studying. To steal notes, gossip, and speak of trifling letters. Just from the few seconds he had witnessed of the study group, he was grateful to have not succumbed to it. Time was of the essence if he was to return to the top of his class.All a school friend ever wanted was extra notes, a tutoring session, and an explanation of homework. All they did was want. Want, want, want. Someone as intelligent as Rudi wanted—no, he needed nothing in return, so why bother being dragged down? All he could ask for instead was some fun, some entertainment.Walking across campus, towards his dorm, he recalled the sheepish Kenzo, specifically his red cheeks and uncommon stammering. Did his friends find that entertaining? Was that really so amusing? Wouldn’t it be easier to study and leave everyone else alone? Wouldn’t that be more productive?By the time Rudi arrived at his dorm, a few raindrops had plopped on his head, and he became even more grateful that he had opted to study at home. In doing so, he had additionally avoided the grief of being rained on. His hand was on the door to his bedroom when he realized he had failed to turn on his Walkman the whole way home. The wasted time was a pity, but there was no use mourning it when he had so much studying ahead of him.He set his Walkman in a drawer where he kept a bunch of other cassettes and flipped his new textbook open with a thud. He had a lot planned for the evening, but equipped with a warm cup of black tea and soothed by the pitter-patter of rain against his window, he was finally ready to begin.So he began.As he revised late into the night, a picture gradually formed at the back of his mind, slotting together like a puzzle. Though he continuously tried, he could not expel it from his conscience. There was a student in his cohort: a girl, probably. She was seated at the desk in her dorm room. She had cast aside her notebook, a spiral one, and placed it over her textbook, maybe Microbiology, or perhaps Legal Medicine if she was studying ahead, after tearing out one lined page.Her textbooks had no need to watch her pour her feelings onto paper. All they had ever anticipated was pure fact and logic: not feeling, and especially not cowardice, which was certainly dominating the conscience of someone who would not deign to sign her scribblings with a name.After spelling out her affections on the scrap of paper, she carefully transcribed the words onto a finer piece of stationery, one that better suited her feelings. Perhaps something pink, something with flowers, even! Wouldn’t that be lovely? She folded it twice and inserted it into an envelope before planting it in Kenzo’s locker through the crack in the door the following morning.How strange. It was a quarter after midnight and Rudi was devastatingly behind schedule. His room was dim, for the natural light of spring that filled his room when he had first entered had vanished, leaving only his desk lamp to illuminate his workspace. He had convinced himself there was no point in turning the lights on, but he secretly understood that leaving his desk at this hour and passing his bed to flip the switch was practically a sleep sentence.He would have to deprive himself of even more sleep than initially planned to remain punctual for tomorrow’s deadlines. Unfortunately, his focus was insistent on wandering elsewhere, forming bizarre and complex scenes of someone whose identity he did not know, and as time continued to creep, anxiety rose up his chest and dizzied him. He downed a glass of cold water, but he remained exhausted and plagued by apprehension.He wondered if Kenzo was still awake and studying. Had he resigned for the night? If so, was he nevertheless ahead of Rudi? Had participating in a study group been beneficial? No. Of that, Rudi was certain.How many times had Kenzo read that love letter since he had first opened it? Was it sapping into his study time? Was he happy to read it? What was written on that magical pink paper? What message followed the two obligatory words, “Dear Kenzo”? Was the message formal? Informal? Superficial? Sweet? Innocent? It was certainly complimentary.The midnight wind howled and Rudi heard the echo of Kenzo’s sentimental words:“It's productive to be open and honest about how you feel, and I respect this person for doing that."Soon, Rudi's drawer was flung open and he was gripping his Walkman, which held an empty cassette. He cleared his throat and pressed Record.At first, all was silent but the bullets of rain tormenting the window, and Rudi stared silently at his Walkman.“I… I’m tired,” he eventually sighed. “I wish I could sleep, but I need to catch up.” He dropped the Walkman to his desk and buried his face in his arms. The complete darkness was pacifying.“I doubt that anyone else is studying right now,” he spoke into the wood of his desk, “There are no exams for half a week. I’m just really persistent. I know I’m the best student. I’ve just got to prove it.”His head rose as he grabbed the Walkman and hit the Stop button. He regarded the device with narrow-eyed animosity, his lips curled into a grimace that crinkled his chin. Sighing again, he leaned his forehead into a palm and pressed Record once more.“Just what is written on that letter, Kenzo?” He spat, “And why do I need to know? Why couldn’t you just let me read it? Why was there no name on the letter but yours? Why…”He rolled his eyes."Why?"A loud hum of thunder rumbled through the atmosphere. Rudi paused, waited for it to resonate.“Well, Kenzo? Let me hear it! Why won't you? I need to know what was written down, so please just put me out of my misery.”Once again, he collapsed into his arms with a groaning sigh. He began tapping his fingers in a rhythmic motion, slowly and then quickly, slowly and then quickly again, allowing his pace to match the rainfall for a few minutes until his lips parted.“Dear Kenzo," he whispered, "I…"And then he continued to tap for a very long time.The following morning, he dizzily awoke to the sound of cooing doves. Wincing through the sharp pain that wrenched his neck, he found his Walkman on his desk, just before the spot where his right hand had rested all night.Begrudgingly, he decided that he would have been much better off studying than succumbing to nonsense.He had hardly spoken any words. After that meaningless spell of silence, he couldn't afford to fall behind much further. There were still several exams he had not begun studying for. Rudi Gillen kept a diary when he was younger. He stopped sometime shortly after officially entering the medical practice as a Forensic Psychologist, with probably only a few entries following his graduation.Ironically, he recalled the beginning of his recorded diaries coinciding with his favourite elective class from way back when: Forensic Psychology II. This class occurred during the semester he had first met Kenzo Tenma, the semester he had been caught cheating on a final exam. Was there a connection between the start of his diary and meeting Kenzo? He couldn't recall. It probably had more to do with Forensic Psychology II than anything else.As Rudi prepared to revisit those bygone cassettes, he was certain that not a single recording would use the word “cheat”. It was a horrible word, and he disdained himself for having done it. Previously, he had disdained himself for being caught and lived in fear of being disgraced because of it, but with age, the crime itself had become the most regrettable.Surely, Kenzo’s name would be mentioned, especially in some of the earliest recordings. After all, the entries almost exclusively spanned his medical school career.Wary of the possibility, however small, of mixing up his professional tapes with his private ones, Rudi had taken to documenting his diary in handwriting when he began working for the police. He had sporadically written a diary as a child, but not with the same intensity of habit as he had developed with his recorded diary during medical school. The hobby dwindled soon after the return to paper, and so he stopped his documentation entirely.In the astonished aftermath of an unexpected reunion with Kenzo, Rudi found himself kneeling in the creaky attic of his house, a place seldom visited, mostly occupied by boxes of old cassette tapes and textbooks that he no longer referred to.He wasn't sure what to expect. In fact, he wasn't even sure what he desired out of revisiting old memories. Would he find the clues that Kenzo had been innocent all along, even though he had been a cheater, too?What would he think of his former self, who had found so much comfort in opening up enough to vocalize his feelings while no one listened? Rudi would soon find out.Each dusty box was adorned with a stripe of tape, marked with a name or several names: Roth, Klein, Weber, Baumann… Rudi recalled these cases like silhouettes shrouded in clouds. Being some of his first-ever patients, he couldn’t speak of them in detail.The box farthest from the crawlspace was different. It was the one he was looking for. Written over its rectangle of tape was not a name or list of names, but a single word: PERSONAL.