Archive of Our Own

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'It won't be denied,

it just does what it does,

there ain't no way to kill it,

when it's coursing through your blood,

shoot an arrow through my heart,

the heart keeps on beating,

love don't die easy,

my love won't die easy.''

-Charlie Worsham (Love Don't Die Easy)

July 2015
There was a slight but still overly intoxicating, at least for Taehyung, smell of Yoongi's whiskey in their small living room. They opened the bottle just half an hour ago, but the way everyone was giggling uncontrollably and leaning backwards, already sleepy - their bodies felt so light - seemed as if they had been drinking since eight - the time when they finally got back home. The tip of Jimin's nose was a bit pinkish, it reminded Taehyung of the cartoon sailors that were sharing their shitty life stories on the deck of a ship over, not a glass, but a whole barrel of wine. His head lying on Taehyung's shoulder felt uncomfortable and heavy and the way he kept literally jumping from laughter at Jin's jokes annoyed Taehyung so much that he was huffing. Still, no one seemed to notice his discomfort. When just after they ate their dinner and Yoongi pulled out the bottle with clear liquid inside with a triumphant smile on his lips, Jimin started clapping excitedly with his tiny hands, claiming it would be his first time drinking. But Taehyung knew it wasn't exactly the truth. Jimin seems to forget that he was there, right next to him that night when they both felt a little bit too rebellious and drank a bottle of soju from their fridge on the balcony of their dorm. Weirdly, even suspiciously, no one questioned the missing bottle. Probably scared, they themselves don't remember drinking it.
Truth be told, Taehyung was not sure if it really was one bottle or two. But it surely was enough for him to despise the taste of alcohol and the next morning's headache. It obviously was not the same case for Jimin, who was pouring himself another shot, smiling dumbly.Taehyung huffed again, this time louder, getting Jungkook's attention who looked at him questioningly. He was sitting next to Taehyung on the bunch of pillows from their sofa and sharing a thin blanket with him. Taehyung rolled his eyes and nodded with his head towards drunk Jimin on his right shoulder. Jungkook laughed, shaking his head in what looked to be disbelief.Jungkook, the same as Taehyung, but for a completely different reason, the reason being Jin hyung, didn't touch the whiskey tonight, and Taehyung thought he had never had, not even a sip, of a hard liquid before.But Jungkook, rather than looking annoyed at their hyungs' antics, looked more embarrassed if his deep red dusted cheeks weren't a telling sign. He was definitely blushing. Taehyung frowned, watching Jungkook's sharp teeth biting his bottom lip so strong it looked painful. Taehyung pouted, instinctively reaching out to reprimand him, but stopped himself when he remembered Jungkook is not a kid anymore, or that is what he kept reminding him for weeks now. But how easy it was to forget that when his face was still adorably round and big eyes looked around with child-like curiosity, shining at every little thing, the look in them was so full of innocent love for life. Maybe Taehyung adored his eyes a way too much, also, maybe Taehyung adored Jungkook a way too much."You alright?" Taehyung whispered instead, nudging him lightly with his elbow to get his attention. Did he miss him getting a taste of that smelly whiskey?"Iahmhm....," it was Jimin's voice who answered him, slurring over his words so hard that Taehyung wasn't sure if they were not just some delirious sounds slipping out of his drunken mind. Taehyung ignored him watching how Jungkook's cheeks got even more red. His whole face was burning now.Impossible, he thought."Let him be, Taehyung-ah," said Namjoon, suddenly paying attention to him, he was the only one sitting or more like half lying on their worn-out sofa wearing only a pair of ugly green boxer briefs and white socks with dirty soles, so much for Hoseok breathing down their necks with cleaning mop in one hand and bucket of soap water in the other one. Taehyung didn't realise when he put the majority of his clothes off. However, it seemed he didn't realise either, too engrossed in Jimin's annoying behaviour, when the boring topic over work changed into something definitely easier to talk about."He's still a child, he doesn't know about these...,' Namjoon looked up, thinking hard, 'things," he said eventually, looking pleased with himself while slipping his big toe under the sock, kicking it successfully off his foot. Taehyung raised his eyebrows, fearing they soon would have to deal with not only drunk but also butt-naked Namjoon."While you know about them a little bit too much," said Jin matter-of-factly from his place on the floor, back leaning against the sofa, and he skilfully avoided flying socks. Jimin nodded feverishly, laughing his heart out and attempting to drink yet another glass, but he missed his mouth. Taehyung glared at him."He doesn't even look embarrassed about it," Yoongi pointed at Namjoon, noticing the unbothered and smug expression on his face."Things," repeated Taehyung with bewilderment. Jungkook giggled and hid his red face in his hands. It was, of course, not the first time they talked about the things, mainly girls, frankly, only girls. And Taehyung was sure Jungkook was well aware of them. But it looked like his older brothers struggled just as much as him with the 'stop babying Jungkook, sometimes also Jimin and Taehyung himself' rule.Well, Taehyung guessed Jimin, with his T-shirt all wet and smelly from the shot he missed, reached, and probably already crossed the wall tonight, Taehyung thought about it more like a fence, gappy and overall easy to break, between childhood and adulthood, teenage years seemed to be somehow missing."Innocent maknae," slurred Jimin again, his hot breath and something disgustingly wet getting in contact with Taehyung's naked skin, which he horrendously realised must be Jimin's saliva. Jimin laughed, getting a deathly glare from embarrassed Jungkook, while Taehyung, looking at the shade of his face, secretly couldn't agree more.***Taehyung was lying in his bed, feeling suffocated by all of his blankets on this hot summer night, he kicked them off a while ago. They were lying on their carpeted floor by the end of the ladder of the bunk bed above him. He hoped he will not forget and warn Jungkook in the morning to not stumble over them, as the boy was always nearly death-like shortly after waking up, walking with his eyes closed.He could hear Jimin's quiet snoring from the bed across the room, he looked peaceful, laying on his stomach with his mouth slightly agape drooling a little bit on his pillow. Taehyung found him cute. He smiled at his sleeping best friend.
The boy was out as soon as he accidentally tipped over a nearly empty bottle of whiskey on the floor. Hoseok and Jin had to carry him into their shared bedroom and tuck him in bed, which wasn't exactly easy in their also not-so-slightly intoxicated state. Taehyung left the living room after Namjoon too passed out on the sofa, wearing only his ugly green boxer briefs. No one really bother to carry him to the bed, everyone was too tipsy (or passed out) to deal with his weight. Taehyung wasn't looking forward to hearing all those retching noises in the morning. He should probably sleep, he thought to himself, he rolled over, showing his back to sleeping Jimin. But as seconds slowly passed to minutes, he found himself wide awake staring at the wall slowly blinking to moisture his dry eyes.At first, he wasn't sure what was keeping him awake, but with every ticking sound of their wall clock, the words Jin said not even an hour ago were louder and louder, suddenly the only noise in his ears. He groaned angrily, grabbed his pillow, and tossed it across the room."Great," Taehyung mumbled into the mattress, now missing his soft pillow."Hyung?" there was a quiet voice from the bed above him. Taehyung froze, holding his breath, hoping Jungkook would just shrug it off and go back to sleep. But not even ten seconds later he heard the rustling of covers which followed the creaking of the wooden ladder as Jungkook put one foot after another trying to get down carefully in the pitch darkness of their room."Hyung," he whispered again and Taehyung realized his voice is nearer than he expected it to be. He felt his mattress dip under Jungkook's weight. "Hyung, you're awake," it wasn't a question. Sometimes Jungkook does this, this little confusing thing when he acts as if he was older. He comes to him, puts his arm around his shoulders, and while patting his back soothingly he asks him what's wrong, or why is Taehyung crying, and then he listens, nods his head as if he understands every little thing that troubles Taehyung which, embarrassingly, sometimes makes Taehyung cry even harder.But Taehyung did not expect him to do it now when he was supposed to be sleeping."Hyung," he repeated, now surely hovering over Taehyung's back. Taehyung imagined him holding himself up by his arms put on either side of his body, he could feel them, their warmth. He hated warmth, but at the same time, it felt slightly addicting."Hm?" he said finally, the sound muffled by his mattress.He heard Jungkook taking a deep breath before stating again: "You are awake," as if he was not sure how to approach him."I know," said Taehyung simply, the words So are you, dying in his throat. "I can't sleep," he told him the truth.Jungkook was quiet, Taehyung only heard his slow breathing, and felt the warmness of his body above him, so close, but not touching him yet. Maybe Taehyung wished he would just close the distance and hug him, but Jungkook never does that, that's Taehyung's way of providing comfort, Jungkook asks questions.''Do you want to talk about it?'' there it was, this weird Jungkook hyung that Taehyung is still trying to get used to.He shrugged his shoulders, he honestly didn't know if there even was something to talk about, he wasn't sure why Jin hyung's words bothered him to the extent of not letting him sleep.''Can you hug me?'' he asked, keeping his voice quiet and unsure, avoiding the question. There wasn't a reason to feel this vulnerable right now. He felt frustrated. Maybe he should have drunk something to keep the tension away from his body. He lifted his head slightly and looked again at sleeping Jimin wrapped in his blankets, now only his nose visible, he looked like ssambab with all those ridiculous layers of blankets put over him. Suddenly Taehyung wasn't that sure about his soberness.''He looks so peaceful,'' he muttered what he thought about minutes ago, still looking at ssambab-like figure of his friend.''He drank too much,'' muttered Jungkook back right away, not seeming to think too much about the response. ''He will be sick in the morning.''Taehyung frowned, lips pouting: ''I guess,'' he breathed out, putting up all the energy left, he turned around, knocking unprepared Jungkook off his hands. He fell at the top of him, hard, their chests colliding. For a moment the fall took his breath away. The warmth radiating from Jungkook's body felt overwhelming and incredible, but still like too much, it was hard to breathe. Jungkook's big doe-like eyes found him, and even though Taehyung couldn't really see his face in the darkness, his eyes glowed, like they always did. And it was probably from the lack of sleep, or perhaps the collision took away more than his breath, brain cells most likely, but Taehyung swears his face gleamed, like an angel. He felt the sudden urge to touch him, touch his cheek if it was as burning as it looked to be.''You wanted to hug,''After all, he got what he wanted.''Yes,'' he laughed.They lay next to each other, limbs intertwined, not a single space between their bodies. Jungkook's head placed right under his chin, his hair tickling him under his nose, and the fresh smell of Jin hyung's expensive shampoo that everyone secretly stole without much shame, teased his sensors. He clearly remembered him coming out of their bathroom yesterday evening, drying his hair with a small towel, and even giving him a shy smile before he disappeared behind the door. Was it too creepy that he has been keeping a count? Exactly, two lines for this week, three for the last. It probably was.This pose felt weirdly intimate, although this was hardly the first time they shared a bed like this.Taehyung could feel a sweat gathering at the top of his upper lip, his hair was sticking to his forehead sweaty and there was even uncomfortable wetness between his toes that he couldn't really wrap his head around. But even though he wished he had taken his T-shirt off before sleeping, regardless of how disgusting his body felt right now, he was at peace, mind at ease.''Don't you think it's weird Namjoonie hyung knows so much about the stuff?' he heard himself asking all of a sudden. He wasn't even sure if Jungkook had heard him, if he hasn't fallen asleep, but his body stiffed against his for a while before relaxing again.''The stuff?' he asked after a bit of silence, his voice surprisingly calm, he hasn't even lifted his head to look at Taehyung.''You know, the-, ' Taehyung kept his voice just barely above a whisper, getting unexpectedly shy,' the adult things.''Jungkook looked like he was genuinely thinking about what Taehyung had just said:'' You mean the girls?'' he asked at last without much finesse.''Yes?''''Yes?''''Yeah,'' Taehyung admitted breathily.''I don't know,' Jungkook shrugged, 'I haven't given it too much thought, to be honest,'' he shrugged once more as if emphasize how unbothered he really was.''About girls?'' Taehyung blinked, rather confused.''Hm?''''You haven't thought too much about the girls?'' Taehyung repeated, eyebrows flying so high it nearly disappeared behind his sticky bangs.''Ah, yeah, I ... haven't,'' he said slowly and then shrugging for the third time. ''You have?''Without much warning, he lifted his head looking straight at Taehyung, suddenly looking intrigued.And has he? Has Taehyung thought about girls? The correct and most obvious answer should be yes, of course, he has thought about girls, who haven't, he didn't even believe whatever bullshit just Jungkook said. He didn't understand why he said that.But then, Jungkook looked so sure about his answer. How did he mean it he hasn't thought about them?Taehyung looked down, finding Jungkook's expecting eyes still on him.Taehyung gulped visibly. The truth was, there wasn't so much time to think about anything besides the work, not alone the girls. Yet, has he ever thought about them? Jimin or Jin hyung always found some time to fantasize about a cute girl they have met, going so far as fighting with each other who the said girl would rather date. Namjoon hyung never missed a chance to eye up some passing girls, only to get a reminder from Hobi hyung to close his mouth. But Taehyung was aware of the heart eyes Hoseok has for that petit background dancer with red dyed hair. And while Taehyung listened and joked around, he had never imagined himself in their place, he has never thought about holding a girl's hand, interlocking their fingers, and swaying them back and forth how he had seen it in his favorite dramas. He had noticed them and even felt mesmerized by the way the wind played with their long hair, but only after hearing exciting whispers from his hyungs.He felt trapped, not even understating why. ''I-I don't know?' it came out as a question.Jungkook squinted his eyes, his mouth forming a perfect pout, he looked him up and down as if evaluating Taehyung's answer. And he really reminded Taehyung of a little kid right now. Taehyung couldn't help himself, even if he wanted. He laughed out loud, breaking the spell, the weird intimate spell they both, at least Taehyung, had found themselves under. Only to be shushed by a sweaty palm over his mouth, he briefly met Jungkook's panicked eyes before they glanced to the side.Ah, yes, Jimin, Taehyung remembered now.''Sorry,'' his lips wrapped around the word without giving out a single sound.Jungkook just smiled and asked: ''What?''''Nothing, just... you are cute.''''Well, hyung is cuter,'' Jungkook replied immediately, then he yawned, his pretty lips stretching so wide, he put his head down on Taehyung's shoulder in exhaustion, probably not expecting Taehyung to say anything else.''I think Namjoonie hyung knows so much about girls because he is older,'' Taehyung came to the conclusion, only to not exactly believe it himself either.''That doesn't even make sense,'' Jungkook shook his head, his faded brown locks falling into his eyes.Mesmerizing, Taehyung found himself staring. Had he a thing for hair, he wondered.''It does,' he felt the urge to argue back, 'you just won't understand becau-''''Because what? Because I am just a kid?'' Jungkook raised his head, his tone defensive.''NO! I am sorry Jungkook-ah, I haven't meant it like that,'' but they indeed were the words on the tip of his tongue.''No, you did,' Jungkook said humourlessly,' You too think I am just a baby. Baby of Bangtan,'' he singed-song with pretended cuteness. ''Then why would you ask me, why does it even bother you so much?'' he scoffed.Taehyung felt warm blood painting his cheeks crimson red.''You also don't look like you give a damn about them...'' came Jungkook's quiet voice. Taehyung looked at him sharply, but Jungkook's eyes were looking down, probably making shapes out of things laying down on their floor.''That- I-I do, of course I do,'' he lied, voice getting stronger, he himself could hear stubbornness in his voice.''But you said...''''I said that to make you feel less ashamed,'' Taehyung responded impatiently, with frustration right behind his back, ready to jump at him any moment now. He prayed for this conversation to end already.''Ashamed', Jungkook spat the word out, testing its bitterness on his tongue, 'I don't feel ashamed for knowing what I want, hyung.''And when did his little Jungkookie grow up so much? He spoke with confidence as if he saw bright visions of the future that were no longer only his childhood dreams ready to be shattered when given a chance.''You are just a kid, Jungkook-ah,' Taehyung didn't understand why he was mocking him so much, 'you don't know what you want.''''I think it is you hyung, I think it's you who doesn't know,' Jungkook sighed in disappointment, sitting up, but not sparing Taehyung a glare. Taehyung looked at his bare shoulders, only now, when the sun was slowly rising up from the horizon, he realized he hasn't been wearing any T-shirt this whole time.Jungkook's words stung, but he knew he deserved them, although they stung even more, because he knew he was right.''We should sleep,' Jungkook cut the awkward silence, getting on all fours and trying to get out of Taehyung's bed. Taehyung grabbed his wrist, the look in his eyes wild. Jungkook pulled up one brow in question.''No,' Taehyung mumbled inaudibly, 'stay, please,'' he nearly cried the words out.Taehyung was well aware he had hurt Jungkook with what he has said tonight, the least he could do was give him some space for a night before they will be forced to interact tomorrow (today). Yet his selfishness had a rather strong grip on him lately.He watched as Jungkook slumped his shoulders at last, nudging his hip with his knee painfully, to move closer to the wall so he can lay down more comfortably. He didn't utter a word. He laid down beside Taehyung again, not even commenting on missing blankets or a pillow. He just laid there, eyes closed, breathing slowing and when Taehyung put his head on his naked chest, right over his beating heart, he didn't push him away.''Good night, Jungkook-ah...''''Good night, hyung.''Taehyung simply didn't deserve Jungkook.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

July 2015
When Taehyung entered the recording studio, he instantly knew he was alone, surrounded only by recording equipment currently hidden in the dark.
He looked at his wristwatch tapping it impatiently until it finally responded, showing glowing green numbers on simple grey background.
Twelve forty-five
He was only five minutes late. He grabbed his hip feeling slightly out of breath from running three floors down, not bothering to wait for the elevator. He didn't even finish his lunch, only a few slurps of his soup and a mouthful of Jungkook's rice, who, to be honest, didn't even notice, or simply didn't care, to satisfy the worst hunger.He reached with his hand in the direction where the light switch should be and right after, he squinted his eyes at the strong beam of white light attacking his pupils without mercy.The studio he was in looked exactly the same as the other three remaining ones in their building. Well, maybe with the exception of some minor details like that cat clock with moving eyes that Namjoon hyung hung up on its wall, it still terrified Taehyung to some extent.He let his gym bag slide down his left shoulder. Leaving it in the middle of the room, he took a few careful steps reaching for the simple black spinning chair, copies of which were in every single room of their company, apart from the toilets of course, and Yoongi's studio. Yoongi's chair was elegant, pitch black with red elements decorating the backrest which was also high enough that one can rest his back and head comfortably. It also smelled like expensive leather boots or a brand bag, not that Taehyung had ever had a chance to put his hand on either of those things. He just sometimes imagined what it would be like living in luxury. Among the other members, including Yoongi himself, it was Jungkook's favorite chair. He once told Taehyung that sitting in it, even doing nothing, felt as if he was someone more important, a music producer perhaps, than only a mere K-pop star which everyone could replace by someone more talented, more handsome, more than Jungkook with a snap of the fingers. Taehyung personally thought that Jungkook was unreplaceable. He promised himself to buy him the same one, if not better, to make Jungkook feel that he really was more than enough.He sat down, thankful to be able to rest his heavy body, and stretched out his legs accidentally kicking something soft under the desk. He glared at the cat clock on the wall and it glared back at him, its narrow black eyes moving from left to right and back from right to left.He pulled out his phone from the pocket of his jean shorts, but there was no message from Namjoonie hyung. Not in their one-on-one chat, not even in their group chat, both of them showing the last messages from today's morning. Taehyung shrugged, he believed Namjoonie hyung simply stayed behind with Hobi hyung two floors above him, practicing steps of their newest choreography, also probably with Jin hyung, because he didn't see him at the canteen, now that he recollects.He wondered if he should send a quick message into their group chat now that he was scrolling through it, maybe Jimin or Jungkook had a free afternoon. Or maybe he should rather go check the practice room and knock on the door to see if Namjoon hyung was there. He wasn't even sure what he wanted from him when he told him this morning to come to his studio after lunch around twelve forty. Eventually, he put his phone down, the screen on the wooden surface of the desk, right next to stacks of papers. He had already noticed them earlier. They looked blank, he wondered if Namjoon's printer stopped working again, printing out only white, and if luck was not on his side that day then black sheets. He curiously picked them up, but not expecting much, only to find crumpled and most likely used ply of toilet paper they were hiding underneath them. He thinks he also noticed one under the desk when he switched the light on. He pushed himself back on the chair and bent down, upper body lying on his legs. And sure enough, there it was, crumpled into a small ball, laying by the desk's wooden leg. Taehyung bent down even lower, nearly falling from his seat it if he wasn't holding himself up by the edge of the desk above his head. He was about to reach out his free hand to pick it up, when he noticed the other one, in the same state, further, almost by the wall, only this one looked somehow bigger. Maybe they were two, or three crumpled together?Taehyung furrowed his brows, ''Is hyung sick?'' he asked himself aloud. But he looked fine this morning, even dancing with vigor. Nonetheless, he got down on his knees to get hold of that big one by the end of the desk too. He picked them up, got back on his feet, and dusted his knees. He was finally grabbing the one still laying on the table, eyes searching for a bin when suddenly an expression of disgust replaced a confused one. He looked at his right hand that held crumpled toilet paper from the desk, feeling something nasty and rather sticky on his fingers and palm.
''Wonderful,'' he said crying out, there was definitely Namjoon hyung's snot on his fingers now.After throwing it out in the bin by the door, he frantically searched for Namjoon's wet wipes that he surely kept somewhere around, holding the dirty hand up all the while, thinking why the snot was so damn sticky. Then he finally found them, a blue package right next to the computer mouse. He grabbed it, pulled out at least three, and wiped his fingers clean. He didn't notice he accidentally moved the mouse attached by a thin black cable to the computer screen that lit up. So one can imagine why he suddenly halted when getting back to his seat.A deep blush immediately spread not only on his cheeks but on his whole face and even neck, he could also feel his ears burning. He covered his eyes quickly but to no avail, it has already tattooed on his brain.He groaned, frustrated, and ever so slowly he peaked through the fingers. It was definitely still there.Standing in the middle of the only candle-lit room was the lean figure of a young woman with wild curly dark brown hair falling on her shoulders. She was clothed in shiny red...yeah, that was undoubtedly a latex jumpsuit looking more like her second skin, with a cut-out in a chest area, perfect for her showing big breasts with ... were those golden chains?, on her nipples that appeared more scandalous than bare nipples themselves. The woman's outstretched legs were slightly spread, one of her hands leisurely on her hip, the other one held small white or grey square object, Taehyung couldn't really see it. Her presence gave off a powerful, dangerous, and dominating aura. She looked amused as if looking at something funny, something that was definitely there, but Taehyung could not see it.''While you know about them a little bit too much,'' he heard eco of Jin hyung's voice all of a sudden.Sheepishly, biting his bottom lip he stared at the big blue play button in the middle of the screen.''I think it is you, hyung, I think it's you who doesn't know,'' maybe Jungkook's voice didn't sound so mockingly that night, but it was what made him do the last step and with shaking hand, he pressed space on the keyboard.The video started playing with minor lag, the women's shoulders shaking from quiet laughter falling from her lips painted in bloody-red lipstick that matched her jumpsuit. There was another noise in the background, high-pitched crying, but it sounded a bit off, kind of like it was muffled by something. The woman in a red jumpsuit said something in her quiet, yet demanding voice, Taehyung was pretty sure it was in English, and the angle of the camera changed showing the second figure whose only desperate cries could Taehyung hear till now. And it was not like he was not expecting it, but the sight still made him blush. It was a man, he was lying down on his back on a dirty floor, his legs suspended high in the air by thick silver chains falling from the ceiling connected to dark leather cuffs around both his ankles, they were spread wide and shaking so much the chains were making a clinking sound. The camera zoomed in lower and the only thing on a big computer screen was a man's ass. Taehyung blinked, his heart started pounding rapidly in his chest taking his breath, his face the same colour as the man's butt cheeks. Taehyung had a fair guess about what have made man's ass look like this, judging by the wide wooden paddle by his side. The man's ass looked soft and meaty, his ass cheeks bouncing, Taehyung guessed his whole body must be shaking, and between them was a thin string that he didn't notice earlier. It was fairly long and white in color, but despite being so thin it looked strong, looking almost like a cable or a wire. Taehyung could not really see how long it was, as it extended out of the screen, but by the low vibrating sound coming from inside the man's ass, and the mysterious square object, he remembered in the woman's hand, he had an idea.''Jesus...'' Taehyung mumbled, not exactly aware of himself, and gulped down something heavy in his throat.The video did not stop there. The man's cries got only louder and louder and when the camera finally showed his face, it suddenly all made sense. A small red, everything in the room on the video seemed to be red, the ball was placed in between the man's stretched-out lips, suspended by black straps going around his cheeks and back to his head. There was a visible drool dripping down his chin on his neck and chest. His eyes were rolled back and wet from the tears, his whole face sweaty. Taehyung's own eyes looked blown out, his breathing irregular. All of a sudden dark shadow covered the man's pretty (did Taehyung really think he was pretty, looking like that?) face, there was a sound, and following immediately big gulp of spit landed on the man's reddish skin, right on his left cheek. And Taehyung moaned.He blinked, confused at the sound he made, only it felt like he walked out of the heavy fog. His hand shot to his mouth, covering it, but it was too late. A horrifying expression stretched out on his face. His eyes opened wide, pupils dilating, he looked around the room, momentarily forgetting where he was.What was he even doing? he cried frustrated with himself.Why was he watching porn videos on Namjoon hyung's computer? The porn Namjoon hyung himself has had to watch too. He buried fingers into his hair, tugging harshly, dull nails digging into his scalp. And then he remembered something else. The toilet paper, the dirty toilet paper on the desk and under it, the sticky substance that he originally thought was a snot, as if it already wasn't disgusting enough, touching someone's else snot... Taehyung wanted to cry or maybe death sounded more appealing.The sound coming from outside Namjoon's studio snapped him back into reality and he panicked, the video was still playing, the screen once again showing a man's red ass, cheeks spread wide with a woman's hand between them thrusting in and..., Taehyung panicked even more. He closed the video clicking on the red small cross in its corner at the speed of light. And just as he turned around and straightened his back, the door of the studio opened. Out of breath, red, sweaty, and smelly Namjoon came in, sports shoes in one hand, smoothing his hair with the other. Yup, without a doubt he got from the practice room, but Taehyung wondered if he looked the same when he sat on that black spinning chair, watching the man in cuffs on the screen, legs bent in knees and on both sides of the chair seat, while his hand...''Taehyung-ah?'' Namjoon's deep voice cut his unholy track of thoughts. Huh? Their eyes met for a short moment, but Taehyung quickly looked away. Did Namjoon see through him? Did his flushed face and panicky eyes give him away? Did he really close the window on the computer screen? The screen had to be still lit. He didn't dare to turn around and check. Actually, he really had to get out of this room, out of Namjoon's sight. Taehyung lifted up his chin looking in the direction of Namjoon's head, he didn't dare to meet his questioning eyes.''Hyung,' he choked out, not recognizing his own voice, but he didn't know what else to say, 'I-I,' he was sweating gallons at this rate, fuck it, 'sorry,'' he quickly got to the still opened door exiting the room. He could feel Namjoon's confused eyes on his back.Only when he turned around the corner at the end of the hallway, he let himself breathe again. Taehyung leaned back against the wall, feeling how sweaty his back was, the thin material of the T-shirt sticking to his skin. He put his hands on his thighs taking in big gulps of air through his mouth.What the hell that was? he really felt like crying.Somewhere in the building, he heard a distant sound. He couldn't stay here forever, Namjoon hyung too will walk out of the studio any minute now, he was sure of it. He shook his head hard, it's been only a video, an adult video, and he indeed was an adult. He wasn't even new to porn, he had definitely watched it before, he even jerked off last night in the shower releasing all the built-up tension. He wasn't embarrassed before, there was no reason to feel embarrassed now. He heard the sound of an opening door but he didn't stay to check if it was Namjoon or someone else.*When Taehyung finally opened the front door of their shared tiny dorm, after fighting with stuck keys in a lock for a good minute, the delicious smell of food got to his nose. Except, he knew for sure the dinner was no longer on the table, as it was shortly after ten at the night, and everyone, apart from Yoongi hyung, left before nine.After the incident with the video in Namjoon's hyung studio, he did not return to the canteen, fearing that after he ditched Namjoon, his hyung who haven't eaten lunch, yet might make there an appearance. Instead, he knocked on the practice room's door where Jin still struggled with the dance moves and Hobi looked like he gave up, sitting in the far corner by the mirror checking something on his phone and occasionally checking on Jin. When he walked in, Jin lifted his head, a focused look still in his eyes, but as soon as he recognized Taehyung standing at the door he smiled.''Did Namjoon tell ya?'' he asked but got back to practicing after hearing a low warning coming from the corner.''Hoba-yah,'' he said jokingly.Right, Taehyung still didn't know what Namjoon hyung wanted to talk about.Taehyung kicked off his shoes, not minding where they landed. He got straight to the bathroom, shutting the door behind himself as softly as he could upon noticing how the whole dorm was dark and quiet. The water on the tiled floor seeped through his socks, leaving his feet uncomfortably wet. He looked at the bathtub and their white curtain with blue dots usually hanging on a plain bar above the bathtub was missing. There were even clothes spread on the radiator. Someone was definitely here not long ago. He sighed hard, mentally preparing himself for cold water.The shower although cold still felt like heaven, he can enjoy a good shower until the temperature of the water is not freezing. He hung up the shower head back on the wall, looked up, and let a strong stream of water wash his face. His skin started to break up lately, feeling prickly and tight. The hot and humid weather left an itchy red rash on his otherwise smooth skin, so even plain water felt like a miracle.When he finally finished, the water was so cold it actually hurt. While rubbing his eyes he carefully lifted his foot stepping over the bathtub edge. The floor was slippery from all the water now mixed with shower gel; little bubbles were snapping around his toes. Supporting himself by a wall he lifted the second foot, but as soon as the heel touched wet tiles, it slipped. He had only a second to process, only a second isn't too much before his body jerked backward. He squeaked, embarrassingly high, and landed on his butt harshly, his head slammed against a bathtub, hard. He moaned from the pain, rubbing his nape and pouting.He heard fast steps only when they were right behind the door and before he could react, the handle moved and the door slammed open, revealing panicky-looking Jungkook in his pajamas and bed-messy hair. Did the crash wake him up?''Taehyungie hyung?'' he sounded surprised looking down at miserably slumped Taehyung on the floor. Taehyung blushed at his stare and put his knees tight to his bare chest, trying to cover himself up desperately as much as he could. The back of his head still ached and he could already feel the burning of his ass where it came to contact with firm bathroom tiles. It was already embarrassing but now with Jungkook staring at him hard, it felt just humiliating.''Hyung, are you alright?'' he asked uncertainly, taking one small step into the wet bathroom, noticing how Taehyung shied away.''Yeah, I'm fine,' Taehyung mumbled, watching mortifyingly as Jungkook stepped even closer to him, 'you can go, thanks,'' he told to his knees.But Jungkook didn't listen, of course he didn't, now he was only a breath away, Taehyung watched as his socked feet splashed the water. ''Thanks?'' Jungkook repeated, confused.''Hyung,' he got out unexpectedly, with a surprise in his voice, ''your cheeks, they are so red!''Taehyung groaned, of course, they were, Taehyung was sitting in a humid bathroom on cold and wet tiles, literally butt naked after he slipped on a slippery floor. It was the right time to feel embarrassed, even though he never has been around Jungkook, he wondered what had changed lately.Jungkook suddenly crouched down and in one smooth and swift motion, he put his hand on Taehyung's flushed cheeks, looking Taehyung straight into his eyes, searching. And wasn't Taehyung too young to die? Because he was sure his heart was failing him, why else it would be beating so fast he could hear it pounding even in his ears? He did hear about increasing cases of heart attacks among young people, but he never consider himself to fall into a mentioned risk group.Jungkook's palms were soft, like baby skin, and they smelled after the hand cream he used. The way they held Taehyung's cheeks was so gentle, they were actually barely touching him. His face up close looked absolutely astonishing, breathtaking. Even his imperfections, if any, made perfect sense. Taehyung wasn't sure when he started paying attention to what Jungkook looked like, but he was aware it made him feel things, things he sometimes understood, sometimes he did not. He blinked a couple of times trying to get over the glow radiating from Jungkook's face, but once again, it was nearly impossible. It was impossible to not stare.''-ung,' oh, he had stared for a way too long,' you are shivering.''Was he? Because he felt so hot. So hot if someone poured cold water on him a steam would evaporate from his skin.Jungkook waited for him to react in some way. ''Hyung, are you alright?'' but he got nothing.''Your lips are blue, let me find you a towel, you should dry up before catching hypothermia,' he said wisely already getting back on his feet, and Taehyung suddenly did feel cold. He watched as Jungkook looked for a single dry towel, but to no avail, everything in the bathroom was soaked wet. He seemed to realize that shortly after and turned back to Taehyung's shivering figure.Taehyung thinks he had to look really out of it because the look on Jungkook's face was anything if not pitiful. ''Wait here,'' he told him as if Taehyung could move, he supposed his body was in some sort of trance, did he hit his head that hard, it had already stopped hurting.''I will bring you something from our room,'' he exited the bathroom, not forgetting to close the door slightly to spare Taehyung from any further embarrassment. One could never predict when thirsty Jimin or hungry Jin would make their way to the kitchen and Taehyung didn't feel like explaining to another person why was he sitting naked on the floor, not moving and according to Jungkook, shivering. Well, technically he hasn't explained himself to Jungkook either.When Jungkook returned, he got back with not only a towel but with one of his oversized T-shirts and plain black shorts. And was Taehyung ready to wear Jungkook's clothes? It probably smelled nice, like Jungkook.He walked to Taehyung, crutching back down to him and he wrapped the towel around his head. Taehyung felt like a baby, but he had done nothing to stop him.Jungkook held his big T-shirt with an image of lama in front of him, looking sheepish. Taehyung remembered his nudity, blushing. He reached out his arms making grabby fingers and Jungkook gave him his T-shirt without hesitation. Taehyung swore he heard him say 'Thank goodness' probably happy and relieved that Taehyung is back and reacting.He put Jungkook's T-shirt over his head and slid into shorts, secretly enjoying the feeling of no underwear, The cotton instantly warmed up his cold body. It indeed smelled like Jungkook, like Jungkook's body wash. Was it Jungkook's sleepwear?Jungkook smiled at him and outstretched his hand helping Taehyung get back on his unsteady legs. His knees felt extremely wobbly while he stood beside Jungkook who was picking up his wet clothes from the floor, next, he got up and put them into the washing machine, adding laundry detergent and choosing the first program before closing the round see-through door.Later, when they again found themselves cuddling in Taehyung's bottom bed and Taehyung listened to the familiar sound of Jimin's snores, Jungkook asked again: ''Are you alright now?'' he wasn't looking at his, rather choosing to inspect the wooden surface of the bottom of his own bed above them.''What happened to the curtain?'' asked Taehyung instead.''Curtain?'' blinked Jungkook, he furrowed his eyebrows.''Yeah, the blue curtain that is always above the bathtub,' Taehyung reminded him,' it's missing.''Jungkook wasn't listening. ''Hyung, you really scared me back there, I tried to talk to you, but you just kept staring into space.'' he was now looking at him, desperately searching for answers on his face.''I think I hit my head,'' said Taehyung after a while of trying to come up with a satisfying response, only he should have thought more wisely. Jungkook's eyes widened comically, but before he had a chance to say something, Taehyung stopped him. ''It's fine, don't worry, I feel alright now,'' he even smiled, hoping he looked convincing. Jungkook only huffed.''I have accidentally torn it when taking a shower today, it was no longer to any use,'' said Jungkook scratching the back of his head, looking guilty as hell.''What?''''The curtain,'' he admitted.''Jeon Jungkook,' Taehyung whisper-yelled, 'because of you I almost killed myself, and suffered from extreme embarrassment,' he pointed at him a blaming finger, 'do you know how much my ass still hurts now?''''You said it's okay by now,'' Jungkook panicked.''My ass, Jungkook-ah,'' Taehyung repeated.''Oh,'' he coughed out awkwardly.''You should have at least dried it up,' continued Taehyung, ' it's really dangerous.''''I tried, but I got out of the towels quickly,' Jungkook shrugged, ' I was actually in our room looking for that portable fan when you suddenly screamed. I knew it was you, I heard you coming home earlier.'' explained Jungkook.''Oh, so that's why I am wearing your T-shirt and shorts now,'' Taehyung teased him.''Shut up, they are comfy.''''And I have never said they are not, Jungkook-ah,'' Taehyung got as far as he poked his nose jokingly and Jungkook finally laughed, already looking more relaxed.''You really are alright,'' he sighed with grand relief.''Told you so, also thanks for checking on me, you know, you saved my life,'' Taehyung poked his hip this time.''Sure,'' scoffed Jungkook, closing his eyes.***Taehyung had woken up all sweaty, noticing how there were more blankets than he remembered putting over himself when he got into a bed last night. Also, there was no trace of Jungkook, the mattress beside him cold. Jimin was just putting a jacket over his tank top that he liked to wear so much and before Taehyung managed to notice him that he was awake he left the room. He was alone now, only fainted sounds from the kitchen coming into his ears. He remembered he didn't eat last night after coming home and he considered he probably should put something into his stomach before fainting later in the middle of dance practice. Although it did sound a little bit dramatic, he was sure fainting itself isn't a really pleasant experience, no matter how tempting they have made it to be in dramas, no hesitating and showing it from different angles. Only after that, the character fell to the ground.He pealed the hilarious amount of blankets off himself and sat up, playing with his toes. He noticed how lightheaded he actually felt.There was a light knock on the door and he turned his head just in time when Namjoon hyung walked in. He was already showered, judging by his wet hair, and dressed in his gym clothes. It made Taehyung wonder what exactly the time was.''Hi,' he said lowly, easily crossing their room and after a short consideration he sat on Taehyung's bed right beside him.''Morning?'' questioned Taehyung. It was a rarity having visitors that were not his roommates, maybe with the exception of Jin hyung who crashed here on a regular basis, always coming up with a ridiculous excuse.Namjoon was looking at his hands intertwining his fingers back and forth, then he cleared his throat pointing at something by the end of Taehyung's bed that wasn't there when he and Jungkook got to sleep.''After you left the studio yesterday, you left it there,'' said Namjoon simply. And oh, he was right. Taehyung felt so embarrassed and ready to leave he hadn't even thought twice to pack his things. He blushed, remembering all the circumstances he was under yesterday.''Right, thanks,'' he bowed his head, trying to keep his voice light to not show any trace of creeping anxiety.They sat beside each other in silence that was stretching out more and more. Taehyung guessed Namjoon felt as awkward as him, probably not knowing what else to say. It wasn't like them, talking about even slightly personal stuff. Their relationship reminded more of two bros cracking jokes. But Taehyung knew from Jungkook how deep a conversation with Namjoon hyung could get. He just hasn't yet had a chance to discover it on his own.''Are you feeling alright?'' asked Namjoon and he probably saw the confusion written all over his face at his sudden and unexpected question, because he added right after, 'you left the studio so abruptly yesterday, you looked kinda off, I don't know and,' he halted as if not sure if he should continue or not, 'Jungkook told me you slipped in the bathroom yesterday and hit your head,' short pause, 'he- he said you behaved strange after that,'' he took deep breath and exhaled, meeting Taehyung's eyes, 'he's worried about you, Taehyung-ah, he wanted me to check on you.'' Namjoon pulled his hand over his back and Taehyung suddenly saw the hidden worry in his eyes, the tightness in his smile, and the honesty in his gestures.''I promise you, hyung, I am fine,' he smiled his biggest smile and nodded to emphasize his statement, ' I don't know what happened yesterday, I was probably just tired,' he shrugged, 'thank you for worrying about me.'' Taehyung found his hand and squeezed it firmly, showing support. He knew how hard it was for his hyung as a leader, to make sure everyone was healthy and happy. He honestly adored him for managing it so perfectly. And he felt a bit guilty for lying to him, only if he knew what it was, making him feel so confused these days.Namjoon squinted his eyes, then nodded. ''Alright, Taehyung-ah, I am glad you are feeling better,' he ruffled his hair standing up, ' got dressed and come eat your breakfast, there are leftovers from yesterday's dinner you didn't eat.'' he gave him a warm look. And he never considered Namjoon hyung as a father figure in his life, they were bros, he said that already, but currently, he gave off the 'father vibe'.''Yes, hyung, I will be there.''Namjoon nod shortly, seeming satisfied. He turned around, only to turn back. ''Taehyung-ah, I want you to know this,' he started, ' if there ever is something you would like to talk about, something that's giving you trouble, you can talk to me, ' he said like he meant it, ' I am here for you, for all of our members, we are family, remember?'' he scratched the back of his head, looking anywhere but at Taehyung.''Yes, hyung.''''Yeah,'' he coughed, embarrassed, ' I should go now,'' he turned on his heels and left.Taehyung spent the next ten minutes bawling his eyes out, luckily no one came to their room looking for him, namely not certain Jeon Jungkook.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

August 2015
Taehyung couldn't see anything. He tried to open his eyes, but whatever hard his attempts were, he stayed in the dark. He remembered rule number one of What to do in a dangerous and potentially deadly situation, it read DO NOT PANIC!. However, first, he wasn't completely sure if the situation he was in was dangerous, and second, he found it ridiculous even back then when he read it for the first time. One was bound to panic.Despite Taehyung being rather on the thin side, not sporting big and hard bulging muscles, that he could parade around, he was quite agile too, he could avoid punches as long as he was able to stand on his feet, without really fighting back. But being in the dark was pretty much a disadvantage on his side, as his abilities relied upon his sight, which he valued to a big amount.So he tried again, not letting anxiety paralyze him. Only this time, he found out he also couldn't move his arms or his legs. There was something cold and metallic around both his wrists and ankles, holding them in a place stretched out in all directions. He noticed he was lying on his back on a hard chilly floor. He tugged on his hands and heard the sound of something that reminded him of the rattling of thick chains. His arms didn't budge a bit. This isn't happening. This couldn't be happening.''Help!?'' he wanted to scream but it was hard to do through a foreign plastic object in between his lips, so the only sound he got out was muffled and unrecognizable: ''Hempfh!''Someone laughed, someone about whose presence he wasn't aware of until now. But after hearing the shallow sound of their laughter, he felt nothing else than their eyes boring into his skin. It was coming from behind him, not that far away from where he lay sprawled out, which had helped him to be more aware of the space around him. He imagined himself lying in the middle of a dank room being the main attraction.''Hupmhup!'' he was not going to give up, he felt ready to fight even though he was most likely destined to lose with his restrained arms and legs. He trashed with himself hard, pulling at the bonds hoping they would loosen up a little bit. He stopped only when an echo of the heavy steps reached his ears. He was shaking in fear, cold sweat cooling down his body, making him quiver.''Shhhh,' said the laughing voice, it sounded somewhat familiar, but through the fog of fear and something else, Taehyung was not quite able to remember.The person was right above him; it was impossible not to feel their presence with how close they were. ''It's alright,' reassured him the voice,' I am here now.'' And it was as if someone switched a channel on TV, getting bored of all the terror, because Taehyung believed them, bathing in the comforting words they sang to him. A soft finger touched where his chin was, slowly dragging lower along his neck, to his collar bones, and even lower through his bare chest, stopping just below his ribcage. Suddenly not only a finger but a whole hand was placed above his stomach and Taehyung realized it was actually holding him down. He shivered, but no longer from fear or desperation to escape, he felt something else, something horrifyingly familiar forming in the pit of his lower stomach and he wanted more. No scratch that, he might have actually needed more. The hand on his body was heavy, raising and falling, copying his breathing.''That's it,' said the voice again, ' that's my good boy,'' it continued to praise him more, leaving Taehyung to feel strangely proud of himself. He beamed in happiness, relaxing.The hand, still heavy on him, has started to move again, slowly caressing his stomach, drawing some nice patterns. Taehyung hummed around the gag in his mouth, satisfied.''Oh yeah?' hot breath touched his cheek,' does my boy like it?'' Taehyung nodded, blasting in a slowly building up pleasurable feeling. ''Do you want me to continue? Should I go lower?'' wondered the voice, now playing with Taehyung's belly button.And should he go even lower? The image itself was enough for Taehyung, just the image of what his hand could do to him was enough for his brain to send him into pure ecstasy. He nodded eagerly, hyperaware of every little reaction of his body to his touch, his voice, his breath, you name it.He finally gave him what Taehyung had so desperately needed. The hand wrapped around him firmly, stroking him up and down, oh how needy he was. He was falling apart in his hands, trashing around, whimpering and moaning around the plastic object in his mouth, his hot tears soaking through the blindfold covering his eyes, the pleasure felt so hot streaming through his veins, he might actually ignite. All because of him, all because of ...Taehyung woke up with a silent scream. He sat up abruptly, struggling to catch a breath, so he pounded his chest, feeling how sweaty it was until he wasn't able to inhale and exhale again, the air in their room hot and summery. He thought he must have bumped his head because it's been throbbing a little bit. It was still night outside, squinting at a clock on the wall, he had over two hours before he has to wake up.He groaned into his hands, feeling how his face started to heat up. This has been the third time this week that he had woken up while everyone else was still sleeping, out of breath, confused, sweaty, and upon everything ... needy from that stupid dream. A dream that made him blush up to the roots of his hair.It all started a few nights after Namjoon hyung talked to him in this room, asking him if he was feeling alright. He just couldn't forget about the video he accidentally found on Namjoon hyung's computer. Does it even count as accidental when he didn't close the window right away, but quite the opposite, he kept on watching it. Taehyung swears he has tried to forget about it, simply erasing it from his brain.When he had woken up all wet in the middle of the night with a heart trying to escape from his chest, for the first time, he thought it had been because it was still so fresh on his mind. But here is he now, two weeks later back 0on square one, hitting his forehead with fists in frustration. He keeps returning to a cold dark room, he is unable to describe it better as there's always a soft blindfold over his eyes, in his dreams. He finds himself naked, lying on his back on a hard floor, never able to move an inch, his position similar to the one from the video. The memory is tattooed on his brain probably for a lifetime.And then there is that person standing above him, talking to him and touching him all over his body, giving him a taste of the greatest pleasure. Taehyung has never seen them, never been able to touch them, but by now he remembers their soft shallow voice by a heart, even awake he feels a phantom of their touches, ever so gentle despite the position Taehyung was in. What Taehyung found weird, and to tell the truth it sort of annoyed him, every time he was about to find out who the person was, he had woken up. Only, he was afraid it's been his own cowardness, that made him stir in his sleep, that put the blindfold over his eyes. He was sure only about one thing. The voice did not belong to a woman. It took him maybe two nights to realize this little detail and a few more to properly acknowledge it. His subconsciousness made sure to remind him about it at any chance given. Yet, he still wasn't really sure what that meant. Maybe if someone would put down his blindfold for him the next time?He sat on his bed with his legs folded, massaging his temples, trying to clear his mind. He was slightly worried about getting back to sleep, afraid his wet dream would haunt him again.He felt safe hidden in his little corner. Privacy was such a non-existent term when living with six other people and on top of it all, sharing one room with two of them. Nonetheless, Taehyung thought it made all of them more private than they would be in some different circumstances. It has shaped them to value their secrets even more and try to 'stay out of the spotlight' in the world where the seven of them were the universe. So, Taehyung secretly enjoyed the current state of his freedom. It made him more courageous.Taehyung was not a detective, not even a scientist. He was a simple person who liked to appreciate things as they were without feeling a need to find out why. Why did Yoongi hyung like to produce music? Why Jin hyung took his bike around the city every Saturday morning before eating his breakfast? Why Namjoon hyung wrote lyrics with such a deep meaning to understand? Why was Jungkook so good at every little thing he tried and also why did he spend almost three hours at the mall in a clothes section only to get back home with bags full of, in Taehyung's eyes identical white T-shirts? Why couldn't Jimin control his liquor? Why was a male voice turning Taehyung on? Well, he has never considered adding himself to this equation.He snapped open his eyes. It was now or never.Taehyung was careful to lock the bathroom door; he didn't even dare to turn on the light, afraid it would give him away, coming through the crack under the door. The bathroom floor was dry this time as he tiptoed his way to the bathtub, he hid behind their new old-pink curtain. He slipped down by a bathroom wall sitting on his butt. His heart was racing again, he felt nervous but also embarrassingly excited.He pulled out his phone looking at his wallpaper; a photo of his younger brother and sister. The last time he saw his younger siblings was on a day when his sister graduated from high school, which was almost a year and a half ago. She wore the cutest lavender dress, looking like an angel posing for graduation photos in front of white blooming sakura trees, while she held up her diploma with the brightest smile ever spreading on her face. She hugged him and he congratulated her before she left to celebrate with her friends. That was the last time he saw her. He promised his mum and little brother to come home for Chuseok long weekend in September, only the promotions were around the corner shortly after the holidays and he had to practice hard. He told her he would come for New Year's celebrations, but they had to perform at the end-of-the-year show event. He spent watching fireworks with his members and many other people he didn't even know and they probably didn't know who he was either. He apologized to his parents and siblings but he has not promised them anything since, so when graduation of his brother came last May, no one felt disappointed he wasn't there. He sent him congratulations through the chatting app and felt like the shittiest brother asking for some newest family photos. He liked a cute selfie of his siblings hugging on a family trip the most, so he has set it as his background picture. He worked hard for them and for his parents, but at what cost? Ever since having those naughty dreams, he didn't even dare to think about his family, deep down he knew the truth and the shame it would bring upon them. The least he could do for them, once when his fame was over, was bring home a wife for everyone to see what a good son he was.His palms were sweating and he nearly dropped his phone while opening the browser app. Minutes slowly passed, but he only stared dumbly at the empty search bar. He could think of many options to type down, yet no one of them sounded quite right, and with creeping anxiety up his neck, about what he would find behind those words, his mind seemed blank at the same time. Mustering up courage now when facing the obstacles of his life was a lot harder. He had to put his mask of bravery back on.Taehyung cautiously, with trembling fingers wrote a single word, but before pressing the search button he deleted it, to add two more.Am I gay...Question mark.He has never been the one to question his sexuality. He has never even met a gay person or a bisexual. Taehyung didn't know much about sexualities. He heard about them a word or two on TV, but people who talked about it were mostly making fun or straight up making bullying comments. He had kissed Hobi hyung as a punishment before while he wore that bright red lipstick, but he wiped his mouth immediately feeling embarrassed that millions of people had seen such inappropriate behavior. But it was good for a show. Everyone laughed that day. Technically it has been his first kiss, although he didn't think about it like that before. He didn't really consider it to be a kiss. Yet, it has not put him out of balance, he didn't question his whole existence either.Also, he doesn't think seeing that cursed video on Namjoon hyung's computer of a man taking it up his ass was a trigger. If he recollects correctly, he watched it only because of Jungkook's accusations of him not knowing what he wanted, what he liked, and if he liked women. It probably has been on his mind ever since. He doesn't know what he had thought that day, what exactly he wanted to prove not only to Jungkook, but especially to himself, but after reading tons of articles online there was only one thing certain, or well, two. The first one, no one could tell him who he was and what he felt, and the second, searching through the internet was pointless, there was no one, only him, who could answer these questions.*Taehyung paced through his room with his hands behind his back, feeling a little bit restless. The day that has originally started earlier than he would appreciate felt like a rollercoaster. He felt high on adrenaline from dancing throughout his day, he felt low thinking about his siblings when he practised his vocals, and he felt anxious thinking about what was about to come.He sent Jimin a text earlier, telling him he wanted to talk about something. He overheard how Jin hyung complained, while he gestured comically with his hands, to Yoongi hyung, that Jungkook had offered himself to help him with his dance moves. If there was someone scarier than Hobi hyung, when it came to teaching, it was definitely Jungkook. So, they both have stayed behind. That allowed Taehyung to talk to Jimin alone. Taehyung didn't think of a plan, he didn't know what to tell Jimin once he enters their room. His only plan was probably to just ask, hoping Jimin wouldn't ask anything further.Jimin was his best friend when it came to his other members, probably he was his most favourite person among all the people on this planet, and he wasn't even exaggerating. He had mentioned earlier that living in such a little space with six other people made them more cautious, but if there was someone in Taehyung's life that knew him better than Taehyung himself, it was probably Jimin. Still, Taehyung trusted no one besides himself yet, to come out with something like this, something that made him vulnerable. Who knew how Jimin, such a sweet person to his core, would react? It sounded ridiculous, Taehyung was aware that Jimin was anything but supportive when it came to Taehyung and his life choices. But how could he trust someone else with his secrets, if he hasn't trust even himself yet? Taehyung might be scared to find out the truth, but thinking about it throughout the day, he figured it was better to know. It might spare him more than this frustration and embarrassment he has lived with now, in the future. Probably a life, if he felt like overdramatizing a little bit.Katok-katok his phone announced he got a message. It was a short message from Jimin saying he was almost home.
-Be there in five, where are you?-
-In the room- responded Taehyung putting his phone back into the pocket of his shorts.Now, when he knew Jimin was probably just outside their apartment building, most likely fiddling with his keys trying to guess which is the right one among the same looking ones, he was even more nervous. He started biting his nails, a little annoying habit of his he did whenever he couldn't control his overreacting mind.He remembered how his grandma put his fingers into salt, later into crushed chilli, trying to stop him from doing it. She has always said how pretty his hands were, going as far as teaching him her beauty tips. They spent a whole afternoon after the hard work on his grandparent's farm putting on sweet-smelling hand creams. It's been a while since he had used one, only doing so after Jungkook commented on his dry and breaking skin. But he always refuses to lend him one from his wide collection. So, Taehyung just gave up. He used Jin hyung's when his skin felt too itchy from too much dryness.Taehyung heard the sound of the opening of their front door, which was followed by loud fits of laughter. He was sure one of the voices belonged to Hobi hyung, it was nearly impossible to not recognize his powerful laugh.''Next time, hyung,'' said Jimin cheerfully, his voice just behind the door of their room. Taehyung wiped his sweaty palms into his shorts, and then the door opened, showing his soulmate. Jimin looked like he spent a great time in their hyung's company. His cheeks had healthy pink colour, his whole face was glowing. They mentioned briefly something about going out for a dinner date before they left together.''Tae-yah!'' beamed Jimin upon seeing him standing in the middle of the bedroom. Taehyung opened his arms wide and shortly after he felt Jimin's small and bony body around himself. He smelled nice tonight, he put on his new perfume, and Taehyung could smell the irritating smell of hair product from his hair. He has even changed into some fancy clothes, the first button of his dress shirt opened, revealing his smooth sturdy neck and ... that was for sure a hickey. The dinner had obviously been only a cover-up. Well, they had probably eaten too, Hobi hyung was a good hyung, he would never let Jimin drink on an empty stomach. Nonetheless, If Taehyung wasn't sure earlier he was sure now, asking Jimin for 'help' is a good choice, no, it's the best choice among the bad ones he was about to do.''Did you have fun tonight,'' Taehyung asked Jimin. He watched how the smile on his face faded, and Taehyung thought for how long Jimin felt bad for lying to him about his night escapades, which Taehyung wasn't sure why he lied about in the first place.''Oh of course,' Jimin quickly put back on his best convincing smile,' hyung took me to this new restaurant,' his expression suddenly dreamy, Jimin can be such a great liar sometimes,' Taehyung-ah I swear they sell the best barbeque there, you should come with us next time,'' he said encouragingly. And that was Taehyung's chance.''I think I would like to,' he nodded slowly,' but only if you will take me with you to the bar afterwards,'' his voice did not even quiver, he felt a sudden need to proudly tap his shoulder.Jimin stilled in his arms completely and took one warry step back, looking at Taehyung with such a shocked expression on his face that Taehyung wanted to laugh, only if he didn't risk so much.''How...''Taehyung pointed at his exposed neck. ''You have a hickey,' he shrugged. Jimin's eyes opened even wider and he quickly covered it with his small chubby hand.''Jimin-ah, I have already seen it,' Taehyung did laugh this time, 'besides, it's not the first time either.''It was a truth. Since Taehyung saw a pinkish kiss mark on Jimin's neck for the first time, many months have already passed, maybe half a year. He didn't question it at first, thinking it was just a heat rash, he did get them too from time to time after all, but over time as they appeared more frequently and they looked less and less as a rash, it got suspicious. Until Taehyung didn't hear the whispering voices of Hobi hyung and Jimin one night when he went to pour himself a glass of chilly water after waking up especially thirsty. Jimin wasn't sleeping in his bed like he usually does and when Taehyung passed the living room, he saw them both sitting on the sofa. He heard Hobi hyung scolding poor Jimin about how he shouldn't have taken a phone number from some girl. He forgot to ask Jimin about it the next day.Jimin looked so mortified, Taehyung wanted to hug him and tell him it is alright. He avoided his eyes, and when he finally spoke up, he kept talking to his toes.''I am sorry, Tae-yah, so sorry I haven't meant to keep it a secret, not at first at least,'' he slumped his shoulders and with a heavy sigh he sat on Taehyung's bed behind him. Taehyung listened, momentarily forgetting about his own struggles, he could tell Jimin wanted finally to talk about it.''I found out from Hoseok hyung, he told me about this one place a few months ago when we were-,' he coughed out embarrassingly, ' I just told him I felt lonely, you know,'' he grimaced, nervous.And oh, it has never crossed Taehyung's mind that Jimin felt so lonely to seek the attention of girls he met just for a night.''So I begged Hoseok hyung to take me there and he did,' suddenly he laughed, ' it was really scary, the first time there, it didn't help I was sober either, Hoseok hung didn't let me drink,'' he shook his head. ''When I thought about telling you, I wanted to tell you this big great story about how this life doesn't have to suck so much, but you have never asked and after some time it was earlier to come up with a lie,''Taehyung felt sorry for his friend, he felt bad that Jimin kept struggling so much with himself and he has never told him. But Taehyung was not the one to judge. He was actually happy that he told someone and even more than that someone was their Hobi hyung. He has to remind himself to not forget to do something nice for him, maybe actually take him to a nice dinner, Hobi hyung definitely deserved an expensive dinner, for being there for Jimin when he needed someone the most.Taehyung sat down beside his friend and grabbed his hand.''Jimin-ah,' he said softly, ' I am not mad at you, I have never been,'' he said truthfully.''You are not?'' he asked surprised.''Of course,' Taehyung nodded, ' I am so sorry you felt that way.'' he caressed the back of Jimin's hand with his thumb.''I am sorry, for not telling you,'' said Jimin ashamed.''It's alright, we,' Taehyung thought of some good words to say, ' it's sometimes easier to keep things to ourselves, especially if they are this big.'' Taehyung only hoped Jimin would remember his words later and forgive Taehyung too.Jimin smiled gratefully and finally looked up at Taehyung his eyes glistening with tears he kept holding.''Thank you, Tae-yah.''
No, thank you, Jimnie...
''So, you said you wanted to go with us?'' Jimin remembered his words. And oh, Taehyung had absolutely forgotten what this all was actually about''Yes,' he said firmly, ' I would really like to go.''Jimin frowned, looking him up and down. ''But you don't like alcohol or places filled with drunk people, and,' he gave him the look, 'there are many of them.''Taehyung bit his lip. He couldn't back off now, not after what Jimin told him about how he faced his obstacles. ''I guess I feel lonely too,'' it wasn't the biggest lie he had ever told someone.
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----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

August 2015
Taehyung honestly did not know what to expect. Various images of luxurious looking places raced with shady and hidden in the shadow ones through his mind. He didn't know which one would he prefer rather.
Luxurious was another word for famous; one can expect to meet top celebrities dancing drunkenly on its floors. It would also mean he would need to wear his cap and mask to shield his identity.
Jungkook liked to tease him about the uniqueness of his face which always shined through anything. He has chosen to ignore this stupid remark that may or may not made his heart beat somewhat faster.
The tires of the company's car squeaked and their bodies were jolted forward at the sudden halt of their car after rough thirty minutes of the ride. When Taehyung looked through the dark window tint, he first saw the dirty wall with red-brown bricks showing through the greyish outside paint. The place seemed vacant except for a few stray cats fighting for remains of food someone threw in the trash.
Taehyung sighed and while patting the baseball cap lying on an empty seat beside him, he thought: 'Definitely the shady one.' Shady meant no paparazzi with their big ass cameras or sneaky phone hands, but at the same time, it also involved danger."Here we are, Tae-yah," said Jimin from his front seat, sounding slightly nervous. Taehyung took his eyes off of the empty plastic bags dancing in the wind on the pavement. Jimin was looking at him, peeking behind his seat. He didn't appear so stylish today. His hair was a mess and the buttons of his sleek shirt were buttoned up to his neck, hiding a still prominent hickey, now, five days later, in the shades of faded yellow and green."Are you sure about this, Taehyung-ah," asked Hoseok with hands still on the steering wheel, as if ready to drive them back of this unholy place if Taehyung uttered a word. He was glancing at Taehyung through the rearview mirror with the same dubious look in his eyes Jimin was sporting this whole time.Probably not, Taehyung wasn't sure about this. He didn't feel like dancing around the sweaty stinky bodies of strangers, he didn't feel like drinking either, but he supposed a glass in his hand may help him to blend in a bit. Although in a place like this, the chances they were selling a regular sugar sweet coke were almost non-existent."Yeah, let's go!" he stretched the corners of his mouth, showing them the fakest smile ever, that quite didn't matched the dry glint in his eyes and opened the car's door.
Hot and humid air hit him immediately, adding wetness to his already sweaty face. He grimaced upon smelling the musty smell of urine and the acidic one of vomit. He eyed the darkest corners of the alley they had parked their car in, noticing the glistening eyes of a stranger. But they were not staring back at him, too busy checking out a pair of giggling girls holding their hands, that had just exited one of the buildings.The sound of slamming doors made him jump in surprise. The stranger blinked and when he saw Taehyung by the car, he smirked, getting out of the shadow."Come on, Tae-yah,' Jimin's hand touched his shoulder, 'it is more safe inside," Jimin whispered to him, pulling him by the sleeve of his shirt. Taehyung doubted it. Nonetheless, he turned around and followed Jimin and Hoseok. He could feel the eyes boring into his back until they didn't reached the corner.As soon as they walked into the shady building, Taehyung understood it was more a club than a bar. The bouncer in front of the entrance let them in immediately after a recognition shone in his eyes when he looked from Jimin's vibrant orange hair to Hoseok's polished look of an idol. He lifted a brow at Taehyung's pale face and thin frame reminding him more of a teenager than an adult. But he said nothing.The insides of the club perfectly resembled its outsides, the same shady and disgusting.Taehyung thought the place would be small with a low ceiling, but the walls were quite tall and out of his sight. There were no windows, so the places chandelier above their heads didn't light up, stayed in the pitch dark, and Taehyung thought they hid the most scandalous things happening here.
Even before the bouncer let them inside, they could hear loud music coming off the club's walls. The music now screamed into Taehyung's ears, he could feel the vibration inside his bones, and the ends of his fingers were tingling.It wasn't that late yet, only something after eight, but many people were already dancing to the chaotic music. Taehyung watched as they kept bumping and stepping on each other's toes, only to yell something incoherent afterwards.He felt warm fingers interlocking with his and when he looked down at his hand, he was surprised to find it clenched in Jimin's tight grip, shaking."It's fine,' he answered Jimin's worried look, 'just a bit nervous," he brought his free hand to his mouth and started to bite on his fingers. There was no way he would not puke just from the strong smell of the alcohol this place reeked of after they return back home,"Hey guys, you coming?" Hoseok's cheerful voice reached their ears and when they turned around, they saw him standing just a few steps behind, with two girls whose hair colours could brighten up the dimmest place and spread the flashes of their vibrancy on the frightened shadows.
Both of the girls looked quite short, however the high heels on their feet made them reach up to Hoseok's nose. When they noticed Taehyung and Jimin leaning against each other and sizing them up with their eyes, they stretched their free arms that were not wrapped around Hoseok's body and each pointed one suggestive finger, calling them closer.Jimin ran a hand through his mess of orange hair and smirking he stepped closer. He let himself be wrapped in one of the girl's tight embrace. She kissed him as soon as he put his hands around her thin waist restrained in a black corset with purple little bows decorating its sides.
Taehyung had met Jimin's ex-girlfriend before, he saw the couple kissing, but their kisses back in a day resembled only innocent pecks on the lips, after which they blushed and giggled, too shy to look into each other's eyes.
The way Jimin kissed this girl, could be described only as dirty. He more licked her lips than kissed them and the squelching noises were heard even through the obnoxiously loud music.
She had her arms around Jimin's neck, her sharp nails teasing his clothed back, while Jimin's palms moved from her waist to her hips, hoisting one in fishnet's leg up by the thigh. Taehyung coughed awkwardly when the girl's short skirt rolled up showing she wore nothing underneath. Hoseok laughed when he heard the choked up noise escaping Taehyung's lungs, but he didn't look affected, not as long as the second girl was busy skillfully massaging his shoulders."Let's get more privacy,' suggested Hoseok with a notable excitement and gently patted Jimin's shoulder to get his attention.
The second girl grinned wide, showing dimples in her cheeks. She took Hoseok's hand and confidently, pushing her chest up, she started walking, glancing at Taehyung, Jimin and the girl wearing a black corset hot on their heels from time to time.
They proceeded deeper into the building, leaving crazily dancing people behind.They walked under the arch with the seethrough curtain dividing two rooms of the club.
The atmosphere in here was calmer, with only a few people sitting on shabby looking armchairs put around short tables all over the room and facing the small stage with a single pole in the middle, empty at the moment. Under the raised up planks of wood, sat a woman with a cylinder hat on her head and a bow tie under her neck, she played slow comforting music on the big piano.They found the empty table, sitting around it. The girl in a black corset flopped down on Jimin's lap, sticking her ass up and moving her hips. They started to kiss again. Taehyung was aware of what was she doing, he looked away.
Hoseok was chatting with the second girl while she wrapped a curl of her mint hair around her finger, baffling her big fake eyelashes at him. She wore bright red lipstick that looked a bit smudged around the corners, and Taehyung wondered how many guys had she kissed already this night."So who is this cutie here,' the mint girl put her hand on Taehyung's thigh covered in his black slack pants, 'I didn't see him here before," her long, sharp and also minty nails scratched his thigh lightly, her hand moving ever so slowly up his leg in a teasing way."That's Tee" answered Hoseok and gave Taehyung a sly smirk, perhaps confusing the uncomfortable expression stretched on his face with the nervousness.
The girl's hand was right next to his crotch, nails now boring into his clothed leg, however unlike a touch of the man from his dream, it didn't leave him excited for more. Her hand on his thigh left light, he would be able to sway it away easily if he wanted. He was always holding him so strong it left Taehyung breathless."Well hello, Tee' the girl licked her plump lips, 'I am Sunny,' she said and gave him the biggest smile that lit up her whole face before turning back to glance  at Hoseok who nodded slightly.Hoseok stood up and muttered, "I will get us something to drink." Taehyung watched his figure getting further and further from where they sat.Sunny slid her leg over his thigh, her heavy ass right above his crotch. She placed her hands on both of his shoulders, bending her back a little and pushing her big chest up in a pride. She too wore a corset, but hers was baby pink matching the colour of her glamorous eyeshadows. The pleats of her skirt of the same colour made her ass look bigger as she swayed it from side to side in the same manner as the girl on Jimin's lap did. Taehyung wanted her to get off."Aren't you a pretty boy,' her hot breath touched his face, the velvet in her voice melting the words, 'so so handsome," Sunny whispered, her lips only a centimetre away from his. He noticed Jimin by his right side getting up from the armchair, pulling the girl in a black corset with him. They left towards the seethrough curtain hanging from the arch. Taehyung doubted they wanted to dance.Suddenly, a hand touched his chin, turning it back. "Where are you looking, Tee' teased Sunny, 'Diamond is Chim's for tonight, but you can have me,' she placed her mouth over his ear and whispered, 'if you want," she pulled at his ear with her teeth, playing with his earing, while Taehyung just sat there not knowing what to do. Should he touch her as Jimin's hands, with a need, grazed the other girl's, Diamond's skin? Sunny still kept moving her hips and mouthing at his ear, with the pleasure pulling at her facial muscles, she had to be enjoying herself.Hoseok finally got back, holding shots in his hands, but he wasn't alone. A girl wearing only panties with a loose tie around her neck danced around him.He eyed Sunny on his lap and smacked her ass. She yelped out of surprise and bit the soft pliable lobe hard. Taehyung grunted, he felt his ear throbbing in her mouth. She finally released it with the last lick of her tongue and playfully shook her ass, as if asking for Hoseok's strong, firm hand on her plush once more."You naughty girl,' he slapped her again, and Taehyung saw her ass cheeks bouncing, 'I leave you for a few minutes and the first thing you do, you find yourself someone else?" he took her by her long minty hair and pulled her up towards him."Our little slut, opened for everyone's cock, or,' his mouth was right over hers when he whispered, 'or just his?" Taehyung choked on his saliva upon the look Hoseok gave him, a look full of unspoken expectations and promises, before he kissed her hard, his fingers still tangled between the minty hair.They kept making out above Taehyung, Sunny's ass straining his thighs from time to time. He heard her moan into the kiss, while the other girl that came with Hoseok, continued to dance her little dirty dance. Taehyung watched as she moved her hips sinfully, touching and massaging her heavy breast with her hands, before spinning around, spreading her ass cheeks and showing a thin string of her dark red panties. The material looked thin and easy to tear apart, but Taehyung guessed, that was a purpose of it.Suffocation got into his head, it spread like slowly killing poison, taking his breath first, he panicked. Images of half naked dancing girl and a kissing pair above him blurred around the edges and waved in front of his eyes. Taehyung pushed himself up, nearly knocking the poor girl off and reached for the glass filled with alcohol to the brim. The strong smell got to his nose before a burning sensation spread over his closing throat, making him cough. Droplets of his hot saliva fell and glistened on the milky surface of the table. He brought his hands to his neck, scratching it with his blunt nails, while he teared up from the powerful flavour."Jesus, Taehyung-ah,' he heard Hoseok's laughter somewhere closer to him, 'are you alright?" a comforting hand of his hyung touched his back, patting it with a care."Yeah," he nodded and whispered through the fire in his throat, the uncomfortable sensation fading. When he opened his eyes he was met with Hoseok's worried face, but there was also something else dancing around his irises, a shining sparkle of amusement."You need to be careful, you are not a drinker, man,' he bumped his shoulder and brought his hand over his quickly beating heart, the drama in Hoseok's gestures always died as the last 'don't scare hyung like this."With alcohol running through Taehyung's bloodstream and slowly poisoning his organism, his body felt like floating, as if he sailed on his small boat, but unlike the last time when he drank, a nausea hasn't hit him yet. The light feeling, in which his mind bathed, made him more stupid, less cautious. He reached for the second shot, he wanted to enjoy the night without feeling like he had to. The need to force his body to react winning over his fear and humiliation.Taehyung wiped his mouth and eyed the dancing girl. He stood up and grabbed her by the hips, this time he chose to silence he cowardness whispering the warnings.The girl was taller than her friends, but still shorter than him, she didn't wear any shoes, but Taehyung noticed her red swollen feet and blisters on her toes. Her hair was short, barely touching her shoulders, and her natural dark brown colour contrasted with her light almost pink skin tone.He traced her body with his hands, feeling every curve. It felt strong under his palms, he could feel the muscles attached to bones and when she touched him, the wave of embarrassment washed over him as she caressed his skinny figure.He let himself be kissed, she devoured his lips with need and curiosity. She had sharp teeth, she bit and bit, until his lips didn't bleed. Taehyung felt like a statue sculpted into a rock while he awkwardly watched her feeding on his lips. She closed her eyes, long black eyelashes felt on her rosy cheeks, and she stood so close to his face, her pointy nose tickled his. While she looked pretty, did Taehyung find her attractive-pretty?As soon as Jimin appeared, breathing harshly behind the armchairs while his trembling fingers buttoned up his dishevelled shirt, but a satisfied smile rised up the left corner of his lips, pulling it into a smirk, the girl in Taehyung's embrace interlocked their fingers and pulled him towards the arch with curtain and up the stairs, hid in a dark, behind it.
They stepped into a lowly lit hallway with many doors, some were opened others closedwith noises seeping through them that made Taehyung's blood mixed with alcohol freeze.He wished for another bitter drink when the girl led him inside one of the rooms and shot the door by pressing Taehyung's back on the wooden surface. His mouth opened when a sudden breath at the background of a yelp forced out past his lips when the hard metal of handle bored between his bones.
The window without curtains above the double bed pressed against the filthy
bumps of radiator was casting a moonlight on an unfamiliar room with simple walls closing around the tiny space.
Taehyung saw the street, playing on his memory with the well known shapes of the parking lot where they left their car. Lit by the street lamps, the orange lights were reflecting on the cars shiny roofs.The girl pushed him on the bed. He fell face first onto a hard mattress smelling of body fluids, it made his stomach roll uncomfortably.
Taehyung's need to turn over brought a strength to his core, but the girl was quick to climb over his back, massaging his tensed muscles, yet he still couldn't let his body relax. She felt light even with all those hard muscles."Get off," Taehyung found his voice, but he didn't recognise it.
The weight lifted off his back and he heard how her feet touched the floor as the old wood creaked. He spun around and raised his chin at her towering body.
The lamp light from the street danced over her face. She stood there composed and confident in her actions, ready to do anything and everything Taehyung asked for."What's your name,' he cleared his throat into the silence.The girl smiled, getting closer again, she put her hands on Taehyung's outstretched legs. "Bambi," was her answer.Bambi's moves, unlike Sunny's, were less sultry, but still seductive, when she slid her palms up his legs, moving her whole body with her eyes high in the air. She looked Taehyung right in the eyes. While she danced downstairs the look in them reminded him of an innocent schoolgirl, now it was full of wild passion. She felt dangerous.Bambi stuck out her tongue, getting close to Taehyung's crotch, she mouthed over it and played with the zipper. He could feel the dampness seeping through the material of his pants. With her dandy eyes on him, Taehyung felt like under the radar. Yet he couldn't give her the reaction she expected. Not even when she undid his belt and unzipped his pants, playing with his cock under his boxers. She teased it with greatness, her skilful mouth and hands had to work miracles on other guys. Her unbounded actions contrasted with her innocent looking face. Taehyung could tell she ran everyone crazy.Taehyung let his head touch the stiff mattress when she pulled down the last piece of clothing off his lower body. His first reaction was to shiver when the cold air hit his sensitive cock."So big," Bambi moaned and licked a long strip from his head to his balls. He felt it slowly filling up under the sensation of her hot tongue. "I can't wait to feel it inside," she put her ass down, straining his thighs and his eyes opened wide when the sudden wetness touched his skin. She kept rubbing herself on his thighs while she stroked his cock. Her hands felt small, barely covering it. He was afraid sharp nails would draw blood. She worked him to full hardness, now mouthing on its head while folding his balls, pulling at his pubes. It actually felt good, better than he imagined it would. The tension seeped out of his body, his mind no longer drowning in anxiety and suffocation. He didn't notice he closed his eyes, not even tears of pleasure falling on his cheeks, he clenched bed sheets in his fists, thrusting his hips into the tightness of the wet mouth. He didn't know when he slipped when his traitor of mind and heart started to paint images and sensations completely different to what was happening in this dark room. But when a different type of tightness closed around his cock it felt like a harsh slap over his face or as if somebody spilt ice-cold water over his burning body.Taehyung opened his eyes, confused and lost. It was the first time he saw, the first time his eyes were able to pierce through the darkness, but the images of a toned male body with a musky odour, squinted, waved and spiralled until they didn't shape into a soft and curvy one. Bambi rode him with his cock deep inside her. She felt wet and warm. Taehyung felt her slipping on and off of his length, while her high-pitched moans cleared up his foggy brain.She supported herself with her hands holding Taehyung's calves behind her. Her arched back opened her chest, and her soft breast jumped with every lift of her hips. He watched her with furrowed eyebrows as she pleasured herself without him doing anything, not even the bare minimum. He looked down where their bodies connected and everything from the light weight of her body to the prominent curves of her big fat ass and bouncy heavy breast, from the soft features and sweet smell to her warm and wet cunt suddenly felt so wrong. What started as a curious dream continued as a terrible nightmare filled with his greatest fears with faces resembling monsters throwing away their disguisesTaehyung prompted himself on his elbows, barely able to support his own weight from how heavy his body felt, so close to breakdown. Bambi noticed his sudden movement, she blinked her eyes, probably confused, but then she smiled."You like it? Gonna fuck me good?" her hand slipped under his shirt and scratched his belly.Taehyung couldn't. He couldn't stand the moving and nearing walls of this room or Bambi's pretty but soft and weak body above him.
His lungs were closing, the air unable to pass through the tubes with anxiety building up barricades.
He pushed her off himself, and his soft cock slipped out of her wetness. He didn't care she landed harshly on the hard floor, with only a vision of escape in his mind. He tripped over the clothes over his ankles, stumbling a little before gaining his balance back. He pulled up his underwear and pants, not bothering with the bendy belt, he simply pulled it off of its loops. The walls were almost touching him, crushing on his head and stomach."I am sorry," he cried out, hitting his chest hard, giving a last glance towards the naked girl on the floor who was rubbing her back in an ache.
He left the room and ran. He ran and ran on his empty lungs and wobbly legs, passing horny people in the corridor and drunk dancers down in the club. They gave him strange looks, but he couldn't care less. He ran until he didn't stumble over his foot and fell down on the ground. Taehyung outstretched his arms at the last moment to soften the impact of the fall.He was finally able to catch his breath.He sat on his ass and brought his knees close to his chest, hugging them with his arms. His palms stung and throbbed. When he looked up, he found himself outside the club, sitting on the asphalt road with nothing only an empty space surrounding him.
Silent tears slid down his damp face while he watched the stars above him. Taehyung didn't feel his heart beating anymore.Drunk Hoseok and worried Jimin, who mumbled something about the upset girl, found him twenty minutes later. His tears had dried till then, and now only the salty matted trails on his cheeks were speaking about what he up the stairs.Jimin drove them back home, where Taehyung locked himself in the bathroom, bent over the toilet and threw up. The last hour of his life seemed to pass in the blink of an eye.Later, after he rubbed his body harshly and raw until his skin didn't turn pink, he tiptoed to the quiet bedroom which he shared with Jimin and Jungkook.His sight fell on sleeping maknae curled up under his blankets sleeping soundly on his bottom bed. Taehyung's heart sank. He climbed the leader of Jungkook's bed and hid himself in the far corner, pulling a blanket over his head.He cried himself to sleep.
October 2015
Days have passed, later weeks, and even those stretched into months. No one dared to mention that night in the club, no one, besides Taehyung himself, knew what had happened in the room up the stairs. After one week, Jimin and Hoseok were ready to spend yet another night in the company of Sunny, Diamond and Bambi, but when they asked Taehyung he declined, only the image of black rooms with just a bed inside sent him straight into a panic.It was the middle of October. Days started to shorten and nights prolonged. There were days when boys didn't see a single ray of sunshine. They woke up when the night still didn't lift and got back home when it fell again. Their bones felt weak because of the lack of vitamin D and another starvation masked as diet. But they still stood strong on their feet, dancing, singing and recording through their days before they fell half dead into their beds, their limbs still shaking under built-up adrenaline and tension even if their minds relaxed.When Taehyung woke up to a gloomy morning, he knew the day will be shit. He felt as if a new day had risen as soon as his head touched his pillow. He wore his shirt inside out and watched as Jungkook struggled with his long pants, stumbling over pantleg every time. His hair was still wet from a brisk shower he had taken before Namjoon didn't barge in, yelling at him to get out that he needed to take a dump. Jin threw a towel after him when he saw him leaving a bathroom swearing under his nose, telling him to dry them up, but it stayed uselessly hanging over Jungkook's shoulders.Jungkook didn't question why Taehyung slept in his bed instead of cuddling up with him, the morning after they got home from the nightclub. He ignored Jimin's and Hoseok's secretive looks they exchanged over breakfast and didn't mention Taehyung's burning cheeks. Truth be told, the boy ignored him throughout the day, he acted cold towards him even the whole weekend. Jimin joked his jealousy was showing, but Taehyung didn't understand why should be Jungkook jealous in the first place. He didn't know where they went that night and even if he overheard them somehow, Taehyung doubted the maknae would have liked to go with them. No, after he had opened up to Taehyung about his lack of thought about girls. But Jungkook kept sulking even on Monday, bickering with everyone who dared to breathe near him. So Taehyung had brought him dinner later that day which they enjoyed over their favourite games, racing in wins and fails with the scary-looking characters on the screen of their TV, laughing their once-full bellies out.Taehyung barged into their living room, tripping over clothes on the floor. He lifted his hand and shook his head when Jin offered him chicken and rice. He simply couldn't stomach its rubbery and hard to chew tasteless meat the fourth day in a row. He reached for a paper box of milk on the table instead, gulping it down. As much as Taehyung hated these monochromatic days full of endless practice, diets and sore cramping muscles, they had made his body so fatigued, that the only thing he could dream of were tables of yummy food. His mind probably started to react to the malnutrition. But it usually made him sick the next morning rather than hungry.Still, Taehyung didn't forget. The man from his dream lived inside him, he waited in ambush, lurking from every corner of his mind, he looked at Taehyung's world through Taehyung's eyes, and if till now Taehyung couldn't see anything, now he saw everything even things that were meant to stay unseen.They were in a car again, seven grown up men squeezing where there was a place only for five, while the company's driver was driving them right to the torture of the same battle they kept on losing for days now.Taehyung's cheek was leaning against a cold window, he watched the slowly rising sun above the waking up city with half closed eyes. There was a head in his lap, its heaviness only added an uncomfortable feeling to Taehyung's empty stomach. He reached up, playing with still wet locks which left wet patches on his pants, brushing his fingers through them. Jungkook's eyes were closed, soft snores leaving his open mouth and his hand subconsciously clenched Taehyung's fingers. He tracked down the reflecting shapes of the passing streets on his sleeping face with his eyes. Sometimes, over the last months, maybe even earlier, Taehyung felt like the naughty tongue of Satan was tempting his fate. Taehyung thought about it, Jungkook's words resonating in his ears, but it just sounded too good to be true. Maybe he was too distraught, too weak in his own anxiety, that his pathetic mind twisted whatever words left the boy's mouth that night to fit his narrative, to escape this unknown hiding deep inside his body. Maybe he desperately needed to break free from this loneliness. But whatever words were at the tip of his tongue, they got gulped down. They felt like rocks pilling up at the pit of his stomach."Hyung," mumbled Jungkook, slowly opening his eyes, and blinking out the sleep. He made himself comfortable on Taehyung's thin thighs as much as he could and finally interlocked their fingers. Even if his fingers were icy cold, the simple touch made Taehyung feel grounded and warm."Yes, Jungkook-ah?" he cleared his throat."Just how much longer,' yawned Jungkook and sniffled, 'I don't think I can do this anymore, hyung," Jungkook spoke quietly, his voice so weak as if it tore his body apart to even open his mouth let alone say something.Taehyung looked from frowning Hobi hyung who looked deep in his thoughts, to Yoongi hyung furiously typing something down on his phone, to Namjoon hyung arguing silently with Jin hyung and to a passed out and shaking Jimin, whose body got thinner as the clock tick-tocked its way throughout the days and nights. Taehyung got scared sometimes it's been counting down their time.Tick-tock only two hours of sleep today,Tick-tock ten hours of brainless dancing in front of a foggy mirrorTick-tock no lunch, no dinnerTick-tock dance and sing againTick-tock don't cry, don't breakTick-tock I don't care
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock...
Taehyung felt selfish for crying about his own stupid problems when there was no time for them. They were a team. Didn't Namjoon repeat them countless times, they were in this together? If only one link of their seven rings' chain breaks, they would fall apart. One single person was responsible for others' lives. But Taehyung felt like he was that weak link that would tear them to pieces in a world where they couldn't afford to fail.***"On the one, two, three and step forward,' their choreographer Son Sungdeuk counted by clapping with his hands, 'not one, two, step, Namjoon-ah,' his voice started to sound tired.Everyone looked at ashamed Namjoon with both of his legs left in the far-right corner of their formation, who was one step of their choreography ahead of everyone else."We will go again, from ta-ta-DA,' sang Son Sungdeuk and everyone sighed, 'set the music," he ordered while rolling his finger impatiently.Yoongi patted Namjoon's shoulder sympathetically, an annoyed grimace stretched on his face, while Hoseok rolled his eyes, not sparing anyone even a glare.They were dancing for four full laps the clock hands had taken already, repeating the same dance routine everyone seemed to know even from the last step to the first, everyone but Namjoon who struggled with the chorus part, crossing his legs awkwardly and being out of the rhythm every time the music played.Taehyung's head hurt from all the clapping sounds bouncing from the walls and loud music on repeat. His legs' muscles cramped with every step he took, and his favourite comfortable shoes suddenly felt a whole size smaller.Taehyung glared at Namjoon, argument hot ready to spill from his mouth. Instead, he threw his arms into the air, watching Namjoon's every move like a hawk in the reflection of the big foggy mirror.Everyone looked dead tired on their legs when the music started playing again. They moved like one man, even though their steps looked tired on the edges, and not as sharp as when they started a few hours ago. Taehyung paid close attention to the music, stepping forward on the third 'DA' leaving Son Sungdeuk's mouth, ready to roll his hips next, but even before Namjoon's body moved, he knew he has screwed already.Taehyung fell to the floor, his legs couldn't hold the frustration anymore. He banged his head on the dirty surface, grunting. Fast feet stomped around his curled-up figure and another body fell next to his. He heard heavy breathing and droplets of water as they landed on the floor. A hand offered him a bottle. He splashed his face and took a gulp, enjoying the song of heaven a cold liquid played inside his throat."Everyone, take a break," Son Sungdeuk shook his head, hitting the radio. As soon as the music stopped more bodies slumped down, kissing the floor. Some started to fight for a bottle to satisfy their thirst, while others massaged and stretched their sore muscles silently. Taehyung kicked off his shoes, moaning and whimpering from the pain. A damp T-shirt stuck to his body, an itchy rash already rising from his hot skin.No one was surprised when Namjoon stood up after gulping down a bottle, stubbornly trying to bring his body to the break from overworking in order to get it finally right. But also, nobody made a move to stop him. They have just watched, sympathetic but too drained out."Jungkook-ah, what are you doing?" asked someone, Jin, from his place by the mirror, with a hand over his eyes, watching the boy between his fingers. "Get some rest!"Taehyung lifted his head, confused. He was sure it was Jungkook's body lying next to his and Jungkook's hand that offered him the water a while ago.But instead, he spotted the maknae by the lockers going through another dance while nodding to the rhythm of the music playing in his earbuds.Jungkook was a perfectionist as long as Taehyung knew him. If someone stayed after the lights turned off and the music stopped playing, it was Jungkook. The boy practised until he could it, and when he could do it, he practised until he could do it perfectly, and if someone praised him for his powerful moves, he practised until he could praise himself. Jungkook was a hard working person. He worked hard to get everyone's approval. He danced with his heart and sang with his soul. Punching every obstacle straight to its weak point. Taehyung sometimes wished he could be more like Jungkook and less like himself.Jungkook continued to practice, ignoring the watching eyes. Taehyung suspected they'd made him try even harder. They've motivated him to be more fierce in his moves, to be faster and smoother, to sweat more.Taehyung's breath hitched when Jungkook's fingers grabbed the hem of his wet T-shirt. He first wiped the sweat dripping down his forehead, stinging his eyes before he pulled it over his head. Taehyung's mouth dropped open, his eyes nearly falling out of his sockets upon seeing glistening white skin stretched around the perfectly toned muscles of his chest. Taehyung knew, heck everyone knew, Jungkook had been working out. He picked it up at the end of the last year, spending his weekends building up hard and heavy muscles at the gym. When he didn't dance, he worked out, he sometimes worked out even while dancing.On ordinary days, Taehyung liked Jungkook's confidence, he proudly stuck out his chin and dusted off his shoulders, seeing how Jungkook glowed in his new confident self while crushing the remains of his old shell. But these days were not ordinary, at least not for Taehyung.He swore he had it under control, he didn't fall under the temptations of the evil prodding him for weeks now. He has been keeping it on a short lash, pulling at its steel bonds with a punishing force. But, oh, whom was he trying to fool? The monster with a male voice from his dream that has settled down near his heart has been starved for too long. But instead of hunger pangs making him weaker, killing him, they've turned him into an obsessed beast, wailing for his dirty pleasure.Taehyung felt as if his body erupted, hot lava burned every coherent thought before it had formed. Taehyung was aware his body was longing. He was in his twenties for God's sake. The familiar horniness after every physical activity was the only healthy response. Yet, the unfamiliar horniness after watching his best friend's muscular body, while tracking down every drop of sweat as it slid down his toned muscles and got absorbed into the fabric of his sweatpants, was not. Taehyung gulped down and his long fingers wrapped over his hard cock through his pants without him having any control over his hand."Uf," a big gulp of air left his mouth and he snapped back to reality with blinding lights and sounds of exhausting complaints of his members. He frantically scanned the room, purposely avoiding the dancing boy in his corner. To his relief, no one seemed to notice his weird thirsty gawking. Namjoon still struggled with the chorus and Jin seemed to fall unconscious by the mirror.It has been Jimin's body lying beside him this whole time."Am goin'to the bathroom," he prodded Jimin's thigh and sprang to his feet.Taehyung sat on a toilet inside the tight restroom stall, the wide door was nearly touching his nose. Every emotion seemed to leave his face as he watched his spent cock in his hand with the oozing cum from its head dirtying his fingers.He wasn't sure what just happened. Taehyung fought with his body while he sprinted his way here, but once it pulled out the suffocation-winning card he gave up.The great guilt and disgust were blending together inside Taehyung's heavy mind. Taehyung honestly didn't know what to do with himself. How could his life turn inside out in what seemed to be just one day, one sentence, one video, one night? With all honesty, he has been lost, spiralling not knowing where.The advantage of training in one building for years now was, he knew its every corner, every door. So when he needed to go to the bathroom, he found it in under a minute. The disadvantage, the others knew the building's corridors just as well. And when Taehyung got lost suddenly, it wouldn't take a long time to find him."Tae-yah? Are you in here?"Taehyung blinked, wiping his wet eyes, he thought he heard Jimin's voice.The cons of being a part of such a small company, apart from the fact that at times it seemed nothing really had a future, was that there were not many bathrooms inside."Jiminie?" Taehyung heard his own shaking voice.A few cautious steps copied his slow breathing, getting closer before the white door from his bathroom stall opened. There stood Jimin, eyes wide, looking down at Taehyung's exposed body.Getting caught while masturbating in a public restroom has never been on Taehyung's bucket list. Logically, he knew he should tuck himself back in, but it was his confused heart who was in charge of him.Jimin was looking at him with pity and sad understatement, he squatted down to get to his eyes' level. And there was no way Jimin knew what has been happening, right? Taehyung has never uttered a word about this matter. Sometimes, he was even too scared to admit it to himself. But didn't Taehyung say that if there was someone who knew him better than himself, it would be probably Jimin?"Jiminie, what's happening to me?"And Taehyung swore he wasn't a crier, he was a tough man with a great reputation among the people who knew him. He wasn't the one to break down easily.Jimin held him in his arms while he cried his poor heart out, not caring about Taehyung's nudity, not caring about the confined space of the bathroom stall, or about gross snot sticking to his T-shirt."Why am I like this?" Taehyung cried even harder, his starved body shaking so violently it scared Jimin. Taehyung has always been the bigger one between the two of them. He was strong with wide shoulders that could compete with Jin hyung's easily. And Taehyung's personality was even bigger, it was able to light up every gloomy room. The way he planted a seed of curiosity inside everyone he had ever met, left Jimin intrigued. Everybody wanted to be Taehyung's friend. Jimin didn't know a person who did not fall in love with his happy, cheerful and glowing best friend. But this Taehyung in Jimin's arms couldn't be more different to the Taehyung he knew."I swear, Jimin-ah,' Taehyung got out between sobs, 'I swear I didn't mean to," Jimin wiped his tears watching him with a broken heart."No,' Taehyung pushed his hand off, 'you have to believe me, I don't know what's happening anymore," he blabbered, his eyes lost and wild. "I didn't, I-I,' Taehyung forgot how to breathe, 'I didn't mean to watch the hyung's video, but Jungkook told me things on that night we drank, he told me things about girls and I-,' breath got stuck inside his throat failing to get out, 'I thought if I watch it, everything would be back to normal, but-" Taehyung started to hit his chest, pushing it out.Jimin's body locked, it was hard to tell what was happening inside the bathroom stall."-and then the dreams with Him started, it confused me,' continued Taehyung, 'it scared me because I liked the things he'd done to me, so when I saw you with that hickey on your neck, I had to ask, I had to know, but it was the worst, I hated every second of it, the way Bambi touched me, it disgusted me, and now He, no I, Jimin-ah, I swear I didn't mean to," Taehyung rattled on, his speech now incoherent, the things he said stopped giving any sense.His throat was closing the same as on the nightclub's night, barely any air was stretching out his lungs.No, no, Taehyung pleaded, a permanent mark formed on the place where he hit his chest with his fist.With black spots around the corners of his eyes his vision got blurry, he blinked to clear his sight. He saw Jimin's panicked face swaying from side to side. Taehyung felt drunk on his anxiety. Jimin's mouth kept opening, but Taehyung heard nothing only his own fast and loud beating heart.And all of a sudden, everything stopped, the monster no longer laughed into his ears, it released his throat, and it stopped punching and kicking his heart.Only this time, the bile raised up from his stomach and it was too late to warn Jimin, too late to put a hand over his mouth. Taehyung threw up all over the small bathroom stall and Jimin's T-shirt."Oh my God," muttered Jimin.img src=“https://www.google-analytics.com/collect?v=1&tid=[G-5RFH8TV7PX]

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

October 2015
"Oh my God," muttered Jimin and put a hand over his nose and mouth, trying not to breathe, but the smell of acid was too strong, it made him feel nauseous. He screwed his face up in a disgusted grimace, he felt the walls of a stall and slowly backed up. Jimin hovered over the sink and splashed his face with cold water. His shoulders raised as he took a few careful breaths.Taehyung watched the scene with an expression of horror written all over his pale face. New fresh tears pricked his eyes, as he looked around, suddenly hyperaware of his surroundings. Hot blood spread to his cheeks upon seeing the mess of his own vomit over his bare feet and the tiles. His shoes remained in the practice room. He pulled at his hair nearly ripping it off.He certainly didn't expect his day to go so wrong. Rambling about how his little world stopped giving a sense hadn't been meant to be said. But once he had started, there was no way out, not a brake he could had stepped on to shut his big mouth up. The train of his life has derailed from its path and wagons carrying the horrible truth burst into flames."Jiminie, I am so sorry," Taehyung felt absolutely horrified. He stood up and despite the lightheadedness hitting him, he walked out of the stall, putting warily one foot after another. His head hung low in embarrassment creeping up his neck."Let me-" he could at least try to extinguish the fire."Taehyung-ah,' sighed Jimin from the sink, his fingers wrapped around the porcelain slowly turning white, 'it's fine, just gimme some time, will ya?" satoori slipped from his tongue, and it was nothing like Jimin to sound so harsh."Sure,' Taehyung stepped back, his voice just above a whisper. He looked at his hands that shook as if they needed to hold onto something. He also noticed his still undone belt and unzipped pants, hanging low under his ass. His cock twitched awkwardly in the chilly bathroom air. He sighed and clumsily pulled his clothes up, covering his crotch with crossed hands, he distracted himself by watching his blue tinned nails. Taehyung felt so cold. Cold from the inside, cold on the outside. He wanted to sleep, sleep until everything wouldn't be as it should be.The ashen face reflected in a mirror above Jimin's head, when he looked up. Taehyung's hair looked dishevelled, sticking to every side. The vomit mixed with pouring blood from his bottom lip bitten down by Taehyung's teeth.The smell of acid still irritated his senses. Jimin counted to three, soothing his grunting stomach before it spilt its contents. He damped a green paper tower from a tissue dispenser under water. His T-shirt was ruined, the same could be told about Taehyung's pants, there was no way the vomit wouldn't leave a permanent sickly yellow stain.One hand touched his cheek, and the other lifted his chin, but Taehyung was quick to close his eyes, pressing his eyelids together so hard that not even a light seeped through."Tae-yah, look at me," pleaded Jimin softly, stroking his cheek with his thumb. Taehyung shook his head vehemently and put his hands over his ears. Maybe if he imagines nothing of this is real, it would vanish into thin air. Maybe Taehyung would vanish too. The idea of spreading his beaten wings and floating on the waves of nothingness, made him almost smile.Jimin's fingers wrapped around his wrists, pulling his hands back down, holding them between his palms, helping the boy to keep his balance. "Please," he tried again, patiently. But Taehyung only stubbornly shook his head again. His lips sealed the same as his eyes. Another tear was feared to fall. He sniffled.He heard Jimin sigh. "Alright,' their faces must be so close, as Taehyung could feel the words literally tickling his lips, 'you don't have to if you don't want to,' he put his hands by Taehyung's sides gently, 'but I want you to listen to me,' a tip of a nose touched his, 'can you do that, Tae-yah?" Jimin didn't move an inch, playing with Taehyung's cold fingers, forehead on the forehead, nose on the nose, he waited.Taehyung usually seeks the warmth and safe place only the human body or soul could provide him. He could bathe in their presence, cover himself with their deeply loving hearts. And Jimin is always the one, the first one, who steps out of the crowd full of ignorant people, bravely giving Taehyung a pat on his shoulder or holding his hand, to lead him out from the suffocation of his head, from the heaviness of his heart. Only this time, Taehyung thinks, he needed space, he missed the air that could help him tidy the mess fighting over the last piece of himself. And only after that, he could let himself soak in the comfort. But if so, why just the mere thought of losing the touch of Jimin's hand or the warmth of his breath, made his knees shake? Taehyung felt alone in a world full of people who wished him a good morning and kissed his forehead for a good night. The line between alone and lonely has always been so thin."You can just nod," encouraged Jimin, his voice so lovely and sweet. He felt his eyes on him."Don't go," pleaded Taehyung, yet his voice didn't reach his ears. Letting go of Jimin would be too much."I am going nowhere, Tae-yah,' Taehyung's heart soared, 'I promise," Jimin's hands squeezed his fingers, never ever thinking of letting them go. "Can you look at me now?"Taehyung bit his lip, the iron taste of blood made him bore his teeth even deeper, tearing the soft red flesh. "But you won't look at me," he exhaled sharply."Tae-""I don't want you to see me," Taehyung couldn't let Jimin see his eyes. He wasn't able to explain why. He wasn't sure himself."Okay,' agreed Jimin at least, 'I won't..." and even though his voice was low, it sounded strong and steady, unlike Taehyung's when he spoke again: "Are your eyes closed?" he checked.A pause. "I am looking down, Tae-yah,' steady but heartbroken, 'is that alright?" but Jimin's hands have started to shake."Eung,' Taehyung was slow to nod, 'that's fine," and with the last inhale he finally opened his eyes.He saw Jimin's back to black dyed hair with a rich fringe falling over his eyes, shielding them. He was looking down at Taehyung's dirty toes on cold tiles, avoiding his eyes, just as Taehyung had asked him. There was an ugly stain, going from the collar of Jimin's T-shirt down to its hem. Jimin had obviously tried to clean it up, as the T-shirt was wet, but the pieces of Taehyung's chocolate protein bar still stayed stuck with the acid from Taehyung's stomach to the white fabric."Oh my God," whispered Taehyung mortified, he felt his cheeks heat up and reached with his fingers, to clean the mess. "So so sorry,"But Jimin's hand had stopped him. "Don't, I told you, it's fine,' then he chuckled, 'it's not like I liked that T-shirt anyway," he shrugged, and Taehyung saw a small smile lifting up on his lips between his hair."You are just saying that," he mumbled. The truth was Jimin loved how the soft cotton caressed his from sweat irritated skin, or how it felt on a body fresh from the shower."Maybe," admitted Jimin.They have stayed in silence after, Taehyung too scared, Jimin too wary. Only their fast beating hearts were filling the space.But then one of them cleared his throat."Tae-yah,' Jimin swung his hands from side to side nervously, brushing the air, 'what had happened?"Taehyung licked his lips, he felt a need to bring his hand to his mouth and bite on his nice fingernails, but Jimin's grip was too strong."You won't judge me, will ya?" Taehyung looked at his best friend with uncertainty. His eyebrows furrowed and formed a line of worry in the middle of his smooth forehead. "You will still love me, right?" But how can someone love me, while I am like this? "Because I am not sure,' Taehyung looked up at the bathroom ceiling, stained from the water vapour, 'I am not sure if I can love myself," and it was a truth. In the span of the last weeks, Taehyung has been afraid to look into the mirror and see the eyes of the greatest sinner looking back."Tae-yah," Jimin momentarily forgot his promise, he was about to lift his head."No, don't," Taehyung had almost yelled, again closing his eyes, watching green-yellow patterns behind his eyelids."Tae-yah, I could never judge you,' Jimin didn't give him time for doubt, 'I could never not love you," he had been crying silently at this point, wet tears falling from his puffy red eyes, but he let them."Good, Jimin-ah, that's good,' suddenly every emotion left Taehyung's body, 'because I thin- no, I know, that I'm a-, I- I don't like girls," he said in one breath."Yeah...""No, you don't understand, I don't like them at all, I don't like them as I don't wanna kiss them or sleep with them or-,' Taehyung didn't realise he started to babble again, he blinked, 'What I meant to say is, is that I, that I am-" Taehyung had written that word once, one morning while he sat in their bathtub, hiding behind the darkness. "You know...""A gay?" helped him Jimin. He couldn't stand it anymore, he had to lift his head. Now he was looking at the bottom of Taehyung's chin, while the boy's eyes counted the ceiling's cracks."Don't say that," Taehyung cried while pleading."Why not?""Because it makes it feel more real," he looked down, meeting Jimin's red rimmed eyes. Taehyung had given up."But it is real, Tae-yah, NO, look at me,' he grabbed the boy by his cheeks when started to shake his head in disagreement, 'It is real and you are also real,' Jimin gave him small but honest smile, trying to sew back Taehyung's torn up soul, 'It is who you are and, ' Jimin made sure the younger looked at him before he spoke the next words, 'And I love you."The 'I love you' words have never sounded so meaningful coming from Jimin's mouth, spoken in Jimin's honest voice, while the most understanding eyes had been looking into his, as on that afternoon in the public restroom somewhere inside the corridors of their company building."And you should love yourself."***"Why did you tell me to not look at you earlier?" asked Jimin while brushing his fingers through knots in Taehyung's greasy and messy hair. With Jimin's naked chest, they've gotten rid of the stinky T-shirt, pressed firmly against Taehyung's back while they have been sitting by the door of the bathroom stall, Taehyung felt somehow at ease. He paid close attention and copied Jimin's steady breathing. Finally, some colour returned to his pale sweaty face, his nails too were back to their normal shade of baby pink. Shivers no longer ran through his body. He made sure to absorb all the love Jimin offered. Taehyung sometimes felt guilty for taking Jimin for granted."I didn't want you to see that disgusting part of myself," sighed Taehyung, drawing unclear shapes onto Jimin's palm. Concentrating on something specific helped him breathe and come down from what he guessed was a panic attack, more easier. Taehyung had experienced his first panic attack on that humid night while a girl with short hair fucked herself on his cock. And he had hoped it was his first and last time. He still felt disconnected from reality and slightly alert, even though feeling a hard floor under his feet and Jimin's warmth kept him grounded. He jumped at every distant sound coming from behind the door."I've seen many of your disgusting parts already," joked Jimin, making Taehyung scoff and pinch the skin of his smooth palm with his nails."You brat," yelped Jimin, slapping Taehyung's back teasingly, which made a low giggle leave Taehyung's mouth.Upon hearing that short, but still wonderful sound, a big heavy rock lifted from Jimin's stomach. He felt a big relief seeing Taehyung smile again. There was something heavy in the way Taehyung had talked, laughed, and behaved ever since the cursed nightclub night."Tae-yah, you know I could never find you disgusting, right?' Jimin's hand in his hair stopped moving and Taehyung shivered, 'No matter what you do or whom you love," he planted a soft kiss between his and ear. And right, Jimin was that type of friend that would help him hide a dead body instead of running to a police station.Still, this was Taehyung's fight and he would never let Jimin be one of the victims of something he alone has brought upon himself."But it's not natural,' Taehyung's shoulders sagged, 'I had always thought when the day will come I will," he gestured with his hands, failing to find the right words."Marry the woman of your life?" Jimin placed Taehyung's head in the juncture of his shoulder, massaging his scalp. Taehyung relaxed in his arms, enjoying how the tension and anxiety started to slowly leave his tired body."Yeah, something like that,' Taehyung grimaced, his expression bitter, 'Three children and all that stuff," he rolled his eyes. Jimin burst out laughing poking Taehyung's cute nose."How could you, when even talking about it makes you look like this?" Jimin continued to laugh while shaking his head."I know," Taehyung closed his eyes and yawned, his brain seemed to shut off. Everything has been too much lately and after he finally let his heart speak, it needed some time to heal and grow stronger. And bodies heal faster while asleep. "My sister always used to say I will grow up into a crazy old lady with tens of cats,' mumbled Taehyung, breath ticking Jimin's uncovered shoulder, 'but I want dogs instead," he pouted.And it has been so Taehyung to say something like this, thought Jimin on the verge of tears from how cute and funny his best friend could be without him really realising that. Jimin heart was full again.The hand resumed his movement in Taehyung's hair."I think the 'And they lived happily ever after' has never been for me," Taehyung's forehead smoothed every wrinkle, he was falling asleep. His head felt light and his body on a cloud.Floating, dreaming, not existing..."Don't say that, you will find yourself someone," Jimin traced the shape of Taehyung's face. Taehyung has always been handsome, he bathed in glory, and he could easily outshine everyone who stood next to him. Everyone loved to praise his small attractive face, starting from moles decorating his nose, cheek and even his eye. "Some boy who would love you the way you deserve to be loved," there was no doubt somebody would fall for this beauty or for Taehyung's pure heart, one day."I don't know, Jimin-ah," at this point Taehyung wasn't sure if Jimin's voice wasn't only a dream. He could no longer see or feel him. And dreams could be cruel once we open our eyes. They liked to take advantage of our naivety."If not, I will marry you,' they've been basically kids, too pure to speak about matters like this, too stupid to wear their hearts on a sleeve and too young to sell their souls to a devil named love, 'I will be a gay for ya."Jimin looked at Taehyung's sleeping form, at his hollowed cheeks, dark circles under his bulged out eyes and chopped lips with dried blood. Sharp bones stuck out in places they shouldn't, not even a big T-shirt could hide how thin he has become. But Jimin knew he didn't look any better. Night after night before closing his eyes he counted his ribs, discovering new ones once in a while. The last few weeks were taking a toll on them all. They needed a break, but more importantly food.Out of habit, Jimin wrapped his fingers around his wrist, frowning when his pinky barely touched his thumb. He compared his arm to Taehyung's and sighed.Everyone had demons controlling their lives, they were the strongest when we were at our lowest point. They fed off misery and vulnerability. Cheering them up for failure. Jimin felt like a hypocrite telling Taehyung how important is self-love when he too covered his mirror with a towel.Just as his head hit the restroom stall door, his phone rang. Jimin had almost forgotten him and Taehyung were not the only people in this world. He looked at Taehyung's wristwatch, but he wasn't sure how long they had been here, locked in the company's restroom, but must be long enough when they were looking for them.Jimin didn't answer his phone.***
November 2015
Taehyung loved travelling, he enjoyed getting to know different cultures, watching the habits of people he was not used to seeing back at home, or listening to the languages he did not understand. It all melted together into the unforgettable adventure he could later watch in colourful photos. And unlike the printed captures of his camera, it takes a longer time for memories to fade out.
The human brain is like a big chest or a drawer filled with the experiences we had once touched with our bare hands, saw with our dreamy eyes, heard with our sensitive ears, or smelled and tasted with our picky noses and tongues. And all those surfaces, sights, noises and smells and tastes have written themselves on something more precious than a piece of paper one can easily lose. It is written in our hearts and it has shaped us into who we are today.So when Taehyung captured a photo of Jungkook posing a V sign with his fingers in front of a plane, he knew as time would pass and he would look back at this picture, he would recollect more than his black hoodie and ripped jeans. And while this image could bring a smile to many people's lips, they wouldn't know about the windy weather styling their hair or the wetness of his socks that made him shake to his bones after he stepped into the puddle of rainwater right under the stairs."Ah, Jungkookie,' frowned Taehyung after the image loaded on his phone screen, 'Let's do it again, this one is blurry," he said as he zoomed in and out of the photo, pouting at the colours blending one into another, at its shaky edges and bad lightning."Hyung, you are taking too long," whined Jungkook, rubbing his hands together before warming them up with his breath. His fingers were angry red the same as the tip of his nose from the windy and cold weather.
Before they landed the pilot announced the current temperature in the city of New York was thirty-two degrees, to which Hoseok asked what did he mean by that. Taehyung was confused too as they were instructed to pack thick warm clothes after the manager Sejin hyung told them the north-eastern part of the United States was this year surprisingly cold. Taehyung even added hands and feet heaters to his backpack at the last moment. Truth be told, he saw some people on their flight wearing flip-flops, but he supposed it was more comfortable than the big winter boots in which his feet had been dying from overheating for the entirety of their flight.Later, Namjoon explained to them the difference between Celsius and Fahrenheit scales impatiently, but Taehyung found himself lost and when he looked at Hoseok hyung on the seat in front of him, he apparently wasn't the only one. Nonetheless, the weather app on his phone has been showing a roundish zero with the flying snowflakes falling around it. Taehyung might like travelling, but he has never said he was an experienced tourist. And on top of that, this was his first time boarding a plane to America."Just hold on,' pleaded Taehyung, pressing the big white button with his thumb, 'one, two, three, smile Jungkookie," only this time as the white flash from his phone camera was about to blind Jungkook's eyes to capture his grin and rosy cheeks forever, a big mass of people walked from behind Taehyung's back blocking out his view with their suitcases and big hats. When they passed, it was again only he and Jungkook with not even ten feet between them, both of them sporting the same look of offence. Jungkook pursed his lips before he burst out laughing."It's alright, hyung,' he tilted his head back, 'I am sure the first photo is perfect enough,' Jungkook took Taehyung by the sleeve, his cold fingers brushed over his skin, 'Come on, we should go now."But the photo was far from being perfect, observed Taehyung while lying down on his hotel bed. The boys had arrived inside the hotel lobby something after twelve in the afternoon. Taehyung doesn't remember ever feeling this tired from doing nothing the whole day long. The last few hours of being closed in the cabin of the plane with the same people breathing down his neck made him feel irritated so when they had finally landed and he made the very first step on the land of the country of his childhood dreams, his heart soared and his veins filled with the great relief. Only, this burning fire of happiness didn't last long after he realised, looking at the high technic cameras cramped inside their tour bus, the exact same people were about to follow his every next step. They had recorded him while he ate his lunch, they had brought the lenses while he listened to the presentation held in a reference room, they had zoomed in when he had talked about his goals and plans for the current tour and they had made the special cuts when the boys had fought over their rooms. Taehyung was sure he was about to see them again at dinner time.Taehyung brought his thumb and index finger to the sensitive screen of his phone, pulling at the image, he made it bigger, so now only Jungkook's smiling face has been taking up the whole screen. Since this summer the growing sprout has hit the youngest. His comfortable jeans no longer fit him, as they barely covered his ankles, and all his shirts looked too tight on him. Taehyung knew that because the clothes Jungkook couldn't manage to pull over his body made their new home in Taehyung's wardrobe. Taehyung had contemplated whether he should feel weird taking the maknae's clothes when all his life it was his younger siblings who had inherited the clothing he no longer used. But Taehyung observed, in his friendship with Jungkook he has never felt as being the older between them. And while at the beginning, Jungkook felt like his same age friend, for the last few months Taehyung has had the tendency to look up to him as his older brother. Although he wasn't sure if it was because of Jungkook's growing up body or the reason was Jungkook's sudden growth into an independent young man rather than a scared boy.Taehyung has been tracing the details of Jungkook's face for some time now, his finger engraving in its memory everything from the wideness of his forehead to the strongness of the prominent bones that have been shaping his jaw.Jimin sat beside him, fresh from the shower, wearing the white fluffy hotel bathroom robe. His feet left wet marks on the floor. He put his arm over Taehyung's back leaning into him. Taehyung felt the sharpness of his nose boring into his neck and short relaxed huffs of breath made the goosebumps rise up on his skin."Is it from today's morning?" asked Jimin after Taehyung again zoomed out from Jungkook's face, showing the giant wheels and bottom of the plane behind his figure. "I didn't know you guys had taken pho-,' the yawn cut out his speech short, '-tos-ah" he continued breathily."Hm,' Taehyung lifted his shoulders, 'just me, I wanted to,' he wanted to capture the pink morning breeze tinting Jungkook's puffy from sleeping cheeks, 'I don't know," Taehyung shook his head playing with the picture by zooming in and back out, blinking at every detail of the handsome face."It's pretty," Jimin smacked his lips and nuzzled into the crook of his neck."It's blurry,' was Taehyung's immediate answer while he observed the mole under Jungkook's lips he had not noticed earlier. Was it new? Taehyung had never counted Jungkook's moles before."Blurry doesn't make it ugly," sighed Jimin tiredly, ready for the afternoon nap in their new soft hotel beds."What do you mean?" wondered Taehyung. He found the second mole, right under the tip of Jungkook's nose.From the day Taehyung had panically came out to him after spilling his guts out, in the literal meaning of the phrase, in their company's bathroom, Jimin has never lost a day without whispering words such as "Because it is different doesn't mean it's wrong" or "It's only natural to fear the unknown", every time the insecurities pushed his shoulders low or the demons held his lungs in captivity of his anxiety. Every time Taehyung felt too drained from being the prisoner of his own mind. So he couldn't help but wonder if Jimin's words didn't hide a deeper meaning behind them."I don't know,' said Jimin truthfully, 'Do you have some other photos?" he asked curiously and prodded his chin up on Taehyung's shoulder, making him hiss and dodge Jimin's hip with the elbow."Sure,' smiled Taehyung back, ready to swipe to the right to show Jimin all the memories he had captured with his poor phone camera, but the tone of the notification went off and the next photo portraying dreamy cotton of clouds, covered the green pop-up window of the newest app Taehyung has installed into his phone. Under the name ShyFlower with the attached photo of a boy with light brown hair wearing a crown of hand-braided dandelions over his head, was a short message: "Are you still sleeping?"Taehyung felt Jimin stiffen against his shoulder, of course, he had not been fast enough to cover the screen with his palm or to turn it off. Taehyung blushed even though the message was completely innocent.The whole month had passed, it had painted the mountains white and filled the people's souls with joy upon the incoming winter holidays. And still, Taehyung struggled with who he was. Every time he looked in the mirror, he expected a stranger to stare back at him. But all he saw was his own pair of wide brown eyes, his nose and his opened mouth, and his messy hair surrounding his pale face. Taehyung didn't quite get how he could feel so different from the inside, yet still look like the old him from the outside. He didn't understand how his heart could beat this new song but his voice spoke the same. The same lies. His colours have stayed this familiar shade of light blue, but the need to stroke the brush with another layer of the colour to hide, to blend from the world and its prejudice better, grew bigger every day. So it was a big and scary step forward when one day Taehyung bore his brush into the red, painting his skin purple. He had downloaded a dating app and before proceeding any further, he checked the box with 'I am interested in men' at the very bottom.Taehyung hasn't put too much thought into it. While he was aware that putting himself out there could lead to potential risks even if he hid his true identity with a fake name and a photo of his family dog, he still had pressed the 'ACCEPT' button.Coming out to Jimin helped him to find and bring back the lost control over himself. He welcomed it into his life with his arms wide open as if it had never left him with his feet hanging from the cliff and with demons it had been shielding him from before, stepping on his fingertips. It came back with great violence gleaming from its eyes and actions. It dug the wooden stake right into their sinners of hearts wrapping its arms around Taehyung's weak body. However, when it turned its back to Taehyung for the first time, it felt so painful as if it had bitten itself out of his soul. Taehyung suspected the remains of his spirit were slowly bleeding out of him, killing him, leaving his still-alive body to rot in the arms of the devil.This new control felt weaker more like a plaster over his bleeding wounds, not like the tight stitches of a surgeon's hand. And band-aids can get wet or less sticky, they can irritate the skin easily, so when put over holes in his heart, the heart fought against the foreign object suffocating it. Droplets of anxiety seeped through the brown woven fabric. And Taehyung felt lost drying it up alone. That was until the ShyFlower boy from his dating app didn't send the message to LonelyMercury. Taehyung felt like fighting that night in its angry deadly orange colours shining from the night sky.He didn't know the real name of the ShyFlower boy, but he memorised the shape of his nose peeking through the rich light brown hair from his profile picture. ShyFlower has been a lifebuoy while he was the dying man on the waves of the endless ocean. It could help him stay alive but never bring him to a ship or a land.They have become something like friends in their sharing struggles. They fantasized together about Prince Charming riding his gorgeous white horse towards them. They cried in their messages about heartaches after they realised that Prince Charming could never love them.ShyFlower told him a little about his life, he made him sob over his story of a poor bullied gay kid but also planted the seed of a hopeful future in his heart. ShyFlower said he has been born in nineteen ninety-one, which marked him four years older than Taehyung. He told him he was in a relationship once and shared his first experiences about topics that made Taehyung's cheeks burn. Taehyung asked him if he had ever slept with a woman before and the one word ShyFlower sent back as his answer, made his mouth drop in surprise. Plenty."You are still in contact with him?" sighed Jimin sounding disappointed. Taehyung figured Jimin wasn't really fond of his new internet friend. He called it too risky, too dangerous, 'What if he finds out who you are?' or 'I am sure he's some old pervy man'. And Taehyung knew, of course, he knew, he was not naïve, just lonely and a little bit lost."It's alright, Jiminie,' he assured him, 'go take a nap before dinner or your head will fall onto your plate just like the last time," Taehyung tried to lift up the tension from the air. Jimin just pursed his lips, still gawking at the new notification on the phone's status bar. And the thing was, Taehyung couldn't really blame him. Yet, he couldn't make himself to ghost the ShyFlower too. Taehyung adored and appreciated Jimin from the bottom of his heart. He will remember the things he had done for him for the entirety of his life, but Jimin, he wasn't like him. Jimin liked girls and their soft features and weaker than men, bodies. The understatement in his words when Taehyung spoke about strong muscles and low-set voices never reached his eyes. But it was unfair to be mad because of it. After all, Jimin wasn't gay."Sure,' Jimin rolled his eyes. He stood up so suddenly and without a warning, that Taehyung who had been leaning against him this whole time, fell backwards, his head hit the pillow."Ya,' Taehyung prompted himself up on his elbows, 'that wasn't fair," he said with accusation in his voice. He watched as Jimin shrugged and laid down, showing his back to Taehyung. And when the notification on his phone went off again, he heard him scoff.Taehyung opened the dating app.
LonelyMercury: I am abroad now
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----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

November 2015 
Taehyung halted from his sleep. His body sprung up like lightning on a stormy night. He reached for his knees, putting his head down between his tights while the feeling of electricity flew through his toes to the fingertips. With his big palm over his mouth, he bit down on the flesh, tasting the saltiness of the sweat, to silence the scream coming from his throat. Breathing through his nose and smelling the air purifier Jimin brought with him, he scanned his surroundings, meeting the white walls of his hotel room with the familiar poster of New York City hanging above the second bed pushed to the far corner with the piles of bed sheets pulled over his roommate's sleeping form. Taehyung slowly put his hand down emptying his lungs with the last big exhale. He still breathed harshly, the sound waves bounced from the walls and entered back through his inner ear, they bestirred the cochlea filled with the fluid, sensitive to the vibrations. He kicked his legs out of frustration, his heels bounced on the hard mattress making the bed squeak.After two months, the dream that has never stopped to terrify him, was back. More vivid than ever or maybe Taehyung has only forgotten how breathless it could leave him after weeks of abstinence.Taehyung's brain worked on overdue. The lack of sleep or proper rest after a day full of recording, made him see things that were not there. His whole body prickled with the memory of cold bonds and hands all over him, he swore they felt so real he even rubbed his wrists, expecting to see deep red marks boring into his honey skin. The echo of the voice played the same words inside his ears like the overplayed Christmas song and the moving shadow of curtains dancing in front of a half-open window stirred the floating panic digging sharp nails into his nervous system, causing his body to react. The spiky cactus plant placed on the window sill behind the curtains resembled almost a hand if he squinted his eyes. It would be enough if its green thorny fingers grabbed the light textile, drew it aside and Taehyung would have nowhere to escape only to face what he has not been prepared to confront yet.Tonight was the first time the mystery man pulled the blindfold off his eyes and stepped straight under the light, letting the glow hit the face it had been hiding. And there must be someone bribing his imagination to spread lies like proofless filthy rumours because Taehyung did not expect his nightmare to get even worse. He has always imagined the lurking eyes of sin were stripping him of the lies he devoured throughout the day, but the ones looking up and down his bare body were the eyes he looked into every day. Instead of diabolic and in colours of unholy, they were soft and sweet, still shining with child-like curiosity. Taehyung looked straight into Jungkook's warm brown eyes and they were what had been haunting him while he shook on his bed glaring at the wall but not seeing it. Listening to Jimin's breathing coming from the second bed, but not hearing it and smelling the dirty polluted New York air, yet the muskiness tinted with the fresh scent of baby oil of the teenager growing up to the man hit his senses. Taehyung couldn't describe what Jungkook smelled like in one word, but his smell captivated him. It dominated every single cell of his existence, from the core to the epidermis. It made the tiny hair on his arms and at the back of his neck stand up from the excitement. But Taehyung has been terrified of his attraction. He has somehow made peace with his lack of interest in women, but looking at his dongsaeng with his new purple eyes, Taehyung needed to splash his face with cold water. He should wake up.The phone on the bedside table plugged into the charger for the night battery charge vibrated on the wood and lit up, the screen glowed up in the room for a few seconds before it turned itself back to black. Its reflection vanished from Taehyung's eyes.Taehyung brought his hand to his mouth, biting down on his pinky nail, considering. He didn't need to see a text of the notification. Some people from back home would write to him this late, but only one person ignored the different time zones and begged for his attention ever since he put his feet on foreign American soil.He grabbed his phone, unplugged it and stood up. Trying to stay silent proved to be rather difficult on the squeaky hotel floor while he made his way to the sliding balcony door. He put his palm on the cold surface of clear plastic glass, for a while watching as the heat from his skin formed blurry marks around his fingers, before he slid the door open by force.The November breeze hit him as soon as he stepped outside the hotel room, the harsh wind played mercilessly with his hair and freezing temperatures painted his cheeks and bare feet bright pink. He put his hands around his shivering body. His woollen pyjamas didn't put much fight with the rough weather.The number on the key from Taehyung's and Jimin's hotel room was 503 the same one that decorated their door, and every time, before the elevator door shut close, he pressed the glaring five in the circle with his finger, but from the outside, while Taehyung stood on the narrow pavement and found their room by their towels hanging from the rag, he counted four floors, not five. So, standing four floors over the crowded and full of young life New York street and over the road with beeping yellow taxis while imagining the stars and moon glowing in the night sky made Taehyung feel so far away from home.
When he from time to time wakes up in the middle of the night and pulls open the balcony door of their small living room, he sees green flat roofs with corrosion holes from the acid rain and endless concrete stairs of Seoul's uprising narrow streets. Well, on some nights he sees nothing only the weak lights of the shop signs flickering through the heavy smog. On both nights, he is killing his lungs. Still, he wouldn't exchange the toxic homey feeling for the more clean one at any cost.Taehyung unlocked his phone. He slid through the home pages with his index finger, coming to the last and he tapped on the glittering blue icon of his these days' most used application. Under the photo of the boy with a crown made of yellow dandelions was a circle filled with green and bolt letters of his newest message.ShyFlower: Every year when the first snow falls I... - the rest of the message was hidden inside the chat. Taehyung opened it impatiently.

ShyFlower: Every year when the first snow falls, I wish to meet someone and fall in love with them.

Over the message text in a grey rectangle was a photo. Taehyung's heart warmed up in the freezing night upon looking at the romantic photograph of the first snowflakes falling over the familiar scenery of his home. The image was snapped on the busy street from under the underground underpass if the last dirty step before the smooth and shiny surface of the pedestrian walk didn't speak volumes.Taehyung imagined ShyFlower boy stepping up the stairs in his red Converse caught on the photo, only to halt on his feet when a cold and wet flake of white cotton snow landed on his nose. It was a weird thought to send the message to Taehyung right away.

LonelyMercury: Does it count as my first snow when I am thousands of kilometres away?

Taehyung hit the Send button. And it was not like he believed in what they called 'the Cupid's dart' in high school, but the little romantic boy with desires inside him, sometimes made him see the possibilities through his pink glasses. And he is almost never fast enough to put them off his nose.The phone screen lit up before it could turn off.

ShyFlower: Maybe it will snow where you are soon too

Taehyung looked up at the dark yellow sky without the visible moon and its stars' companions lighting up his long and lonely dark night times. Not only a single snowflake could fall from the clear sky.

ShyFlower: Or you can wait till you come back home. I think it will count

Maybe if he painted the glasses' shades a more accurate colour.

LonelyMercury: In both cases, I will just keep my eyes closed.

But then again, what was the colour of cruel reality with a crumpled future? Was it blue like melancholy or black like a loss? If he at least could feel more grey, the shade between despair and euphoria. Grey normalcy, grey average. Yet, Taehyung felt dull.

ShyFlower: Why?

LonelyMercury: I am scared of what my body wants.

The full stop was absolutely unnecessary, observed Taehyung. It made his speech into the statement. Nothing less, nothing more. Taehyung spoke up the truth.

ShyFlower: Isn't love more about the heart than...

The next message came immediately after.

ShyFlower: Body?

If only he hadn't lost control over both.

ShyFlower: Are you alright? You sound a bit weird

Taehyung didn't answer. Pretending no one cared was easier than speaking up his truth.

LonelyMercury: Do you remember what you told me about the Us?

LonelyMercury: About the freedom?

At this point, ShyFlower boy had to find out there was something really wrong with him. He typed fast and with lots of misspellings.

ShyFlower: Noe youbspeak in riddles. Wha's happening?

LonelyMercury: I think I am about to do something really stupid.

Another full stop, another statement, another blocked escape. He thought about it before. He has been playing with the thought ever since ShyFlower told him about dark places shining with rainbow colours inside.

ShyFlower: More stupid than when you fucked a woman?

LonelyMercury: Possibly - typed Taehyung and turned his back to the never sleeping street of New York, he slipped back inside their hotel room and shivered upon feeling another difference in temperatures. The floor under his feet cracked the same when he made his way to his suitcase by the bed, but Jimin didn't move an inch. He slept under his suffocating amount of blankets and duvets, not caring about the tangy smell of sweat mixed with the bacteria. Taehyung envied him. His limbs felt tired, too worn out to carry his reckless decisions.When he looked up at his phone next, he had one unread message:

ShyFlower: Where are you?

Taehyung chuckled. Oh, how funny it was that the stranger cared about his actions' consequences more than Taehyung himself.

LonelyMercury: It's not like you can come here and stop me.

Even if there weren't thousands of flight kilometres between New York and Seoul, even if he opened his hotel room door and found ShyFlower with a bouquet of fresh dandelions in his arms, Taehyung wouldn't be able to stop. With the ShyFlower boy on his doorstep, there's a great possibility he would use him instead of a stranger.

ShyFlower: But maybe we can talk before you do it

LonelyMercury: Later - was Taehyung's last messages before he locked his phone and stepped out of his and Jimin's shared hotel room an hour before midnight. It was stupid, but Taehyung felt rebellious.***Taehyung couldn't possibly know where he was, the uneven pavement full of bumps and lumps under his winter boots led him through one shady alley to another. But it was too late to turn on his heels and run back with the tail between his legs, because he hadn't thought of sprinkling the path he had been leaving behind him in the dark with glossy tiny stones. Taehyung was sure he was lost. At this point, he has bitten his nails to raw bleeding flesh.He stopped under the street lamp to check his navigation application, but not even false light brought him a better source of warmth. Taehyung was scared his fingers would fall off any minute now.The application on his screen showed a zig-zag route highlighted in red, leading him between buildings he didn't know and telling him to pass the streets with names his tongue couldn't even pronounce. The woman's robotic voice spoke up with fabricated joyfulness as if she didn't judge his choice of destination where the black and white checked flag was stuck on its thin bar.The cold wind made him walk again and he passed many of the similar looking street lamps and lonely alleys, another twenty minutes might have passed before he ran into a small group of people.Taehyung was familiar with the fashion he had seen on Seoul streets. Korean people liked stylish clothes, with cute designs, but still simple and plain when it came to extravagance. If some of his friends back home saw a man in booty shorts with black torn up stockings with a grasp of pink skin sticking out of the holes or a woman in glitter covered cocktail dress showing her smooth and shiny legs up to her groin, they would write some nasty degrading comments on a forum as soon as their Galaxys connected to the public WiFi. They were drinking from a green bottle, smoking cigarettes and enjoying the cold night in loud bursts of laughter while high on nicotine, Taehyung hoped it was nicotine.Behind the pair and their other drunk friends, with pink flustering letters of Angel's Trap over the open door from where loud music nudged Taehyung's anxiety back to life, raised up Taehyung's destination, it grew big and materialised itself from the photo on his screen. He looked at the poster of an angel with black wings shooting an arrow at the flickering rainbow, taped to the concrete wall.There was no doubt where he stood. Right in front of his biggest fear while it grinned, showing its pearl white fangs instead of teeth. If it had bitten Taehyung already, he didn't have a single memory of it, but with his hazy from the spell and lure mind he stepped inside. *Taehyung has never in his life seen a place like this. A place where everyone and everything mattered regardless of gender, age, nationality or how they expressed themselves. The insides of the Angel's Trap looked rather wild than polished, with splashes of bright colours of all shades on the walls and floors, with paintings just as bright hanging crookedly in their frames and dangerously looking plants enriching the bar's every corner. The floors were crowded with people hopping excitedly on their feet, clapping, and nodding their heads to the rhythm of jazz music which soon replaced a sad ballad. Those whose feet hurt from tireless dancing were refreshing their thirsty dry throats with drinks served on a counter bar, but they continued chatting and giggling despite looking so worn out of the night. Everything from the untamed spirits of the bar to sorrowful music playing on Taehyung's heart strings looked out of place. But it also soared and burst into fire, beating joyfully at the circle of harmony each and every soul present made by holding a hand of a stranger with completely different beliefs.With only a five dollar bill inside his jeans' pocket worth one better drink, and no plans besides making himself a target for the first man who would come to him, he sat down on the high chair, his legs uselessly hanging in the air, and placed his hands, palms down, on the marble. He felt the wetness of one's spilt drink under his fingers, and while playing with the liquor with his fingertips he inspected the words on the bar menu written in a language he didn't understand, but rather than trying to remember a little bit of English he has learned in school, he pointed at the drinks with the prize matching his budget when the bartender in a rainbow open blaze and nothing underneath prompt his chin on his palm and flirtatiously asked him a question whose words haven't made much sense in Taehyung's brain."Good'j shin?" Taehyung's lips wrapped around the letters he had never pronounced together. His pointed finger shook with insecurity in front of his eyes. His grandmother has taught him to never stick out his finger if he doesn't want to poke someone's eye out, but his grandmother has never been abroad or dealt with a situation where body language is her best friend. And besides, it wasn't appropriate to think about his grandmother, who has taught him nothing only how to be a good and decent man, when in a few minutes he might be too high, too out of it, to care about decency, either."God's sin?" offered the bartender with a small smile. Taehyung watched as the bartender's middle finger stroked his own cheek. A wild thought crossed Taehyung's mind. He himself wanted to suddenly outstretch his hand and reach for the in short stubbles covered cheeks and chin. How would it feel to feel the roughness of a harsh beard instead of perfectly smooth skin tracing down his body?"Yeah,' Taehyung nodded eagerly, the proudness shining little stars in his eyes, 'four dolla," he raised four fingers while crushing the thin green five dollar note in his other hand.The bartender laughed, his cheeks rising and his nose scrunching with perfectly white teeth on display."Of course, angel,' warm touch engulfed his stretched fingers when the bartender's hand wrapped around them for a short while and gave him a light reassuring squeeze, 'four dollars' God's sin," he turned around with a wink.Now, Taehyung didn't think he resembled a gay man in his boring grey hoodie with a thick coat over his shoulders and scarf around his neck. He sported no accessories either besides small rings pierced through the sensitive skin of his ears and his nails were short, bitten to the flesh, unlike the bartender's long and glittery. He should had borrowed Jimin's hair spray to style his flat hair, but Jimin would be able to smell the sharp citrus fragrance the next morning and ask unnecessary questions.Yet, the looks and double-takes he got from not only the bartender but also other people, men, passing behind his back were anything if not seductive. And Taehyung had to scold his own heart which judged his every step and thoughts since he closed the hotel door behind himself, to feel more at ease.Unlike his last and first experience in the nightclub where he didn't feel like he fit in with women being all flirty and scandalous around him, while bathing in men's attention, the uneasiness lay simply in the lack of his experience. Can a gay man be a failure in his gayness? Taehyung has forgotten to ask the ShyFlower boy.The glass with the narrow stem standing on a broad base with a wide although almost flat bowl has been placed in front of him. Radiant colours played and reflected on his drink's surface and Taehyung grabbed the small pointy ball on the top of the pink paper parasol and mixed them together. But the lights same as the water, follow the laws of physics, so while the liquid whirled into nice and even circles, the vibrant colours stayed the same, untouched. Taehyung frowned and spun the wooden stick of the small umbrella. It rotated in the air, maybe just a millimetre above the drink's level before the larger and weightier part of the umbrella outweighed the whole thing and it dropped on the dirty marble. Things like this tend to happen in slow motion to which the human brain is not fast enough to react while watching the action happen through the eyes. So, Taehyung's reflexes were too behind, his hand too slow when it hit the bar surface, the tiny paper umbrella had already fallen from the edge.He blushed and clapped the palm over his mouth, laughing at his own clumsiness. Taehyung bent down squirting in between his parted thighs at the tiny offending folded round paper, frowning upon seeing dirty wet spots seeping already through. His legs were too high in the air to touch it with just the tip of his shoes. He straightened his back and put his elbows down supporting the heavy head with his fists, but the shadow caught the side of his eye and when he turned his head right, another paper umbrella was spinning between someone's thumb and index finger right in front of his eyes. The droplets of cold liquid touched Taehyung's skin."You seemed to like this," said the husky voice above him and Taehyung raised his head fast, nearly pulling the muscles at the back of his neck, only now realising the hand has to have the rest of the body too.There on the vacant high chair next to Taehyung's sat a stranger wearing a cocky wide smile stretching from one corner of his eyes to the other. With suggestively raised eyebrows he was looking Taehyung up and down and upon the look from the ocean blue eyes Taehyung shied away. He felt burning sparkles like fire piercing through his skin, burning everything in its way, trying to destroy if not demolish all of his layers to get to Taehyung's thumping core. Taehyung had never seen such fierce eyes before. Nonetheless, the stranger's features were on the much softer side. The shadow from his intense look didn't touch not even reach the honesty of dimples in soft looking cheeks if it were not for the untamed, light brown in colour, bristles.Taehyung gulped, charmed and captivated, but still puzzled and slightly uncomfortable with the blazes pricking his skin. He wished the intimidating man would blink just once to extinguish the flames."What?" Taehyung heard him laugh, the sound resonating in his ears reminded him of bell chimes when the vocal cords touched the edges of the word. He wasn't sure why men have been bewitching him into static sculpture these days so much."Gimme your hand," the gibberish from the thin lips didn't mix well with Taehyung's brain. He could only blink dumbfoundedly and open his mouth in a confused manner.It was probably from Taehyung's quite exotic look not resembling the ordinary American citizen if not from the dazed way he was biting his bottom lip, that the man realised Taehyung didn't speak English. Icy cold fingers, indicating the man had come not so long ago, wrapped around his thin wrist, sending spikes of freeze to the burning fire inside him and Taehyung hissed. The man tugged at his hand in his hold, he eased it up with his fingers and shortly after the wet paper umbrella was placed on Taehyung's opened palm. Taehyung inspected it. He liked the subtle ornaments of white flowers painted with a small brush on a brick-red background. The spiky tip that usually holds the tiny umbrella together has been missing, but the yellow paint with remains of glue adorned its opened top."Thank you," said Taehyung cautiously and touched the wet wooden pick, rolling it on his palm, while he tried to avoid the ocean blue in the man's eyes."You're welcome," laughed the man cheerfully, 'Do you like it?" a finger with black nail paint touched his, the tanned skin almost the same shade as Taehyung's, only the cuticle was pinker. Taehyung observed the shininess of the nail polish, the unevenness and bumpiness with which the inexperienced hand had put it on."I-,' Taehyung's hand closed, his fingers wrapped around the single digit the same as babies do, 'I like," Taehyung nodded after a while. "Pretty," smiled Taehyung at last. He didn't remember when was the last time this much English had rolled out of his tongue."Pretty like you," the man spoke with confidence, Taehyung felt the digit under his fingers moving. Now, Taehyung understood what the man said without much problem.No one has ever called Taehyung pretty. Jungkook usually describes him as jalsengida, his mother as attractive and Jimin uses the word cute. In high school, in English class, Taehyung's class read many texts where the word pretty followed the phrase like 'as a flower' or 'girl', the boys and men were 'muscular', 'strong' and 'handsome'. Was it alright to call Taehyung, a man, pretty? Did Taehyung feel pretty? Pretty like a red bouquet of roses, pretty like shining stars, pretty like soft sweater paws, or pretty like blooming trees?Taehyung raised his eyes, perplexed. Was this stranger man with his tanned skin and wild mess of blond curls surrounding his face like a halo, pretty? He was charming at least."What your,' Taehyung pouted, thinking hard, 'name!" his face lit up. "What's your name?" he recollected the phrase.The stranger showed his teeth and threw his head back, angel-like curls bouncing ever so slightly. He mumbled something under his breath, still smiling."My name's Samuel," he said warmly and invitingly, he finally blinked.Taehyung's heart skipped the beat, whispering to him its thoughts and encouraging him."Sa-myul," he tried to repeat, folding his tongue into the pretty sound of his name."And what is your name?" asked Samuel, back with his flirtatious smirk."Taetae," Taehyung felt pretty when Samuel flirted with him. He liked to be pretty. Pretty like a man.***Samuel's apartment was located over the railway station in the dusty looking neighbourhood, with many panel buildings of the same washed-out green, pushing at each other's leaning walls. They climbed the stairs because the elevator has been out of use as the bright yellow caution tape hinted, while holding hands. Taehyung noticed how small but still manly Samuel's hand looked in his.The hall lamps lighted up as soon as the sensitive sensor caught their movement on every floor. Taehyung stopped counting after the third one and rather than focusing on his cramping legs, he listened to Samuel speaking. From time to time he recognised simple words like baby, night, bed or cold, but also funny sounding such as shoot or saas, dad-aas or Taehyung's favourite mischuhvs.They stopped in front of the dark brown door with a round, shiny and in some places dull door handle. A small chain was attached to the right side of the door and pinned to the wall next to it. When Samuel pulled out the key ring with many jingling keys from his pants pocket, he unlocked the thin chain first. It hit the metal with a loud clanking noise. On the very top of the brown door was fixed a label with engraved letters of the name S. TAYLOR.Samuel twisted the handle and the door opened into dark black nothing, it hit something Taehyung's eyes couldn't see right next to it. He heard Samuel curse when the ear-splitting sound of breaking glass or porcelain reached their ears. But he couldn't care less, when next thing he knew, Samuel tugged on his hand which he has never let go and pulled him inside. They walked in between fragile shards, their high soles protecting them from the injury.Samuel's apartment smelled of cigarettes and cheap air freshener. It was small and crowded with furniture they kept bumping into. When they reached the kitchen, Taehyung smelled bacon and cheese along with something rather spicy. His stomach growled, but he was too nervous to fill it with food. Only one thing on Taehyung's mind led him through the messy apartment or held Samuel's cold hand. It made him sweat gallons and gulp down the words with hardly producing saliva in his mouth. He flushed the warnings his mind yelled at him. It suddenly offered words Taehyung didn't remember ever learning to escape this situation. However, Taehyung stopped thinking with his brain, even ignoring the heart hammering loudly in his ears and under his skin, pumping all the blood to his system. It made him feel lightheaded and wobbly on his feet. The tension radiating from the place and from the situation which could lead only to one outcome if he didn't halt on his feet soon, set his body on never-ending fire. Someone had to light a match over his dying bones because he has never felt so much passion and horniness as now when his sight fell on the single bed beside the desk table in Samuel's bedroom.When Samuel turned around, the blue in his eyes shone even in the dark, Taehyung's all being, from head to toes, burnt so much he lost control of which part of his body the flames were feeding on. He knew his eyes had to look too wild and blown out to be present. He heard his own fast breathing and smelled his sweaty clothes. His fingers were thumbing with a need to reach out and explore the man's inviting body in front of him. He wasn't sure what was about to happen, but he knew he had to do something before the eagerness devoured and consumed him whole.It felt so overwhelming but still not enough when Samuel's big hands wrapped around his waist, their coldness barely seeped through all the layers of clothing Taehyung was wearing. His clothing felt like too much."Off, off, off," he mumbled, almost crying, and tables were turned when this time it was Samuel who pulled the eyebrow up in question. But Taehyung has been too incoherent and too out of it, to bother with the annoying language barrier.He pleaded for someone to pull that fire out of him, to grasp and not care about the blisters melting the poor skin and maybe flush it and step on it, crush it till only hot charcoals mixed with ashes won't fly around. What has been happening to him?Taehyung kissed him, hard and harsh and wet, with punishing strength. His teeth pulled at soft lips, the plush pliable flesh tasted after alcohol and nicotine. Oh, so bitter. Taehyung felt like a wild untamed animal destroying and tearing up its prey.The force of the kiss took Samuel's breath away. He placed his palms over Taehyung's shoulders, pushing hard. And for the moment while ocean blue looked into dark almost black brown, Taehyung swore he saw his own reflection swaying on the irises."Shit, baby, what's gotten into you?" swore Samuel breathlessly, losing himself in the untamedness Taehyung's body has been high on.Taehyung's hands were wrapped around the man's neck, playing with the collar of his shirt when he spoke: "Sorry," he wasn't sure if English or Korean left his lips. But Samuel just shook his head and by the strings of his warm, too warm, hoodie he crashed their lips back together.Taehyung couldn't describe what he felt while soft pillows of lips moved against his, controlling him to his crumbling bones and smouldering ashes. There was a tongue, heavy and dominating, asking for the entrance and when hands suddenly painfully squeezed his ass his mouth opened involuntarily in a lewd moan. Their tongues fought in a wonderful fever inside his wet cavern, no one ready to lose."Come to bed,' whispered Samuel against his lips, 'I want you there," the strong arms hoisted him up as if he weighed nothing, and Taehyung's breath hitched at the showcase of strength. He threw him onto the bouncy mattress and almost immediately climbed over him, attaching his lips to Taehyung's chin and neck, licking and sucking, teasing with teeth, tasting his salty skin, while Taehyung trashed on the bed from the pleasurable feeling.Samuel took off his warm coat and with hands under his grey hoodie, he explored his hot skin, rummaging with his rough palms over his belly and ribs, grabbing at his waist. And if his harsh fingers would leave marks in the shapes of fingers Taehyung would remember this was no longer just his wet dream."So smooth, fuck' Samuel's lips moved against his skin, pushing the swear words into it, 'take it off, c'mon," he commanded and grabbed Taehyung's hoodie by the hem pulling it up and over his head messing his hair.Taehyung lay there half naked and needy in a stranger's bed, somewhere in the city of New York with fingers bored deep in blond curls while Samuel plastered his bare chest with kisses. The spiky stubble left him quivering for more. Taehyung didn't know that intimacy could feel this good, but now that he had the first taste, he wanted the whole meal."More please, more," he pleaded with tears in his eyes the same he would have pleaded to the man from his dream if it were not for the plastic gag always present in his mouth. But the dream could never come to reality. While this, he had to savour it, code the memory of the man's skin on his fingertips."Fuck, you are so sexy when you speak your language, baby," and it was so funny how much Samuel's words were turning him on when he understood only 'fuck' and 'baby'. But maybe it was more about the huskiness and hoarseness of his voice and less about the words itself.Taehyung could feel him over his tight while he rutted subconsciously on his thigh. And this was definitely new, the touch of the other man's hardness on his body, even more weird when it was because of him. Taehyung felt pride mixed with confusion that he could make someone crave the same affection too, by doing a mere minimum."Please," Taehyung found his voice. He tugged at Samuel's locks pulling his head up. They stared into each other's eyes. Samuel's lips were swollen from kissing and biting all over his body, his cheeks were flushed, and his eyes were teary from how harshly was Taehyung pulling at his hair. "Please," repeated Taehyung."What, baby?' oh and this 'baby' again, Taehyung loved to be called baby by him, 'What do you need?" Samuel slowly lowered his head, placing the last kiss on his navel not breaking the eye contact."I-I-," Taehyung answered by action. He grabbed his hard pleading dick through his pants. The outline showed and twitched in his grasp, he felt it pulsating. Taehyung bit his lip and caressed it up to where the wet patch was forming, immediately moaning at the touch."Yeah?' Samuel choked and hovered his palm over Taehyung's hand before pressing down, and Taehyung swore he saw heavens, maybe the God himself. And the cross of sinners God's thumb, dipped in holy water, burned into his skin felt so good.*Taehyung was lying on his back leaning on the headboard of Samuel's bed, his chest was moving up and down rapidly, while drops of sweat ran down his naked torso glistening in the lamplight lit up on the bedside table. His jeans were unzipped and belt open with a creamy white fabric of his underwear showing. His one hand was busy clutching bed sheets beside him in his iron grip, leaving them all rumpled under his fingers, while the other one, also clenched into a fist, rubbed against his thigh, not too daringly but at the same time not overcautiously close to his crotch. If the temperature inside the small room was too high before, now it felt almost suffocating. Deprivation of oxygen has been buzzing inside Taehyung's head, he was drowning in horniness, even the windows were there to witness it as they painted their glass canvas in fog.He watched Samuel standing before the bed footboard, his legs slightly parted while bare feet bored into the soft rug. Taehyung gulped when a finger freed the first button from its small tight loop. The collar fell loose showing only a minimum of tanned skin, but it left Taehyung breathless in anticipation, his hand gripped the bed sheets tighter, and he felt it shake, while his airways closed to stop his heart from jumping out of his chest.The second button popped open with only a snap of skilful fingers and Taehyung could lick and mark over those collarbones.With the third and fourth button, he couldn't resist what his body has been for asking anymore. He dug his nails into the pulsating flesh, almost going mad over the short relief, when the fairly light but still there, long and curly hair escaped from behind the shirt fabric. Taehyung had never fantasized about body hair before, that would be just a crazy thought, but the wild and growing like a forest hairs on Samuel's exposed chest looked so manly, and Taehyung was currently so high on everything that screamed testosterone or masculinity.Samuel's shirt has finally fallen open to the last button. Taehyung actually choked and drooled upon seeing the tanned and with freckles spat skin. He imagined himself caressing Samuel's naked chest. Would it be smooth or rough to the touch? Would the body hair tease and tickle his sensitive fingertips? Could he pull on it?His eyes teared up from lust when he seized up the expansion of wide shoulders with strong bulging biceps and swollen pecks of chest muscles all the way down to a soft stomach with the happy trail of abdominal hair going from the navel and ending somewhere behind the hem of Samuel's pants."Shit,' the word slipped past Taehyung's lips, there was so much neediness heard in his voice.He lifted his head and looked at the flushed face of the angel seducing him, but their eyes didn't meet. Samuel was staring down at Taehyung's body while biting his bottom lip with dedication and when he followed his intense gaze up from his rising chest and all the way down where the most heat cumulated, he found his own hand inside his boxers, only now feeling a hot touch of skin on skin or tightness of his fingers around himself. Taehyung cursed again and with the penetrating blue eyes digging holes into his skin, he moved his hand with vigour, bathing in the pleasurable feeling of being seen. He watched as his hand moved under the damp fabric, the red tip of his hard cock slipped past it every once in a while, only to ooze big gulps of clear fluid of his arousal, it left the skin under his belly glistening and uncomfortably sticky. He choked out a breathy moan he had been holding back inside his throat. His ears were full of squelching noises his hand around his cock made.This single noise seemed to be enough for Samuel to break his gaze. Taehyung heard him clear his throat but when he spoke his voice was still too hoarse: "Look at me, baby, just look at me, I want you to see what makes you so turned on," Samuel spoke as if he knew what Taehyung has been thinking, and Taehyung lifted his eyes as if he understood the meaning of the words.The look in Taehyung's eyes was no longer shy, and his actions spoke volumes when he eyed the bulge in the middle of Samuel's pants. He got on his hands and needs, slowly crawling closer to the man towering over the end of the bed. A tongue slicked his lips before he looked up. He could never get tired of ocean blue waves fighting on the surface of the irises. Taehyung could swim among them, get lost under the water where the outside world has been muted and the deeper he sank the less relevant it was."I want,' Taehyung whispered to the thumping tension inside the room, cutting it in half, 'touch... you," he demonstrated by putting his sweaty and wet from precum hand on Samuel's still-clothed thighs. The shy and insecure boy living inside his body the other day has been left outside the door, maybe he has returned to the hotel room and hid under the blankets to continue to live his boring life full of anxiety. And it was not like its claws had left him for good, he knew once the pleasure passed, once the night ended, he would have to face the consequences. Once again hid behind the mask of pretence and shut the closet door. He just wasn't aware of it now."Yes, baby," Samuel's voice broke, the words sounded so close to whimper. The whimper that resonated inside Taehyung's veins, and it was like a stroke of motivation, like a pat of proudness which pushed his hand further, closer to the hot crotch of the man. He pressed on the visible bulge with his palm just like Samuel did to him earlier, earning himself a cry. And Taehyung loved it. As much as he craved giving up control and hitting all assumptions about who he should be straight to their toxic point until they didn't bleed black and green, he loved the upper hand he had over the man who was visibly stronger and more experienced than him.He moved his hand in little circles, pushing and pressing, experiencing, getting comfortable and confident in his new skin. The bulge under his palm was hard. He was familiar with how it felt, but he had never experienced it as a third party and it left him to discover whole new sensations, the core of what he has been attracted to.The way he unzipped the slack pants was anything but slow with the impatience playing on the strings of his nerves.Samuel smelled like a definition of man. The smell was strong and overpowering, spicy and musky and so delicious it made Taehyung shiver and his mouth went slack, his throat clogged up with all the saliva his mouth was pouring down. He wore no underwear underneath, so the hard cock sprang free as soon as the zipper freed it from the restriction of material.Taehyung has seen dicks in his life, there was nowhere to escape when seven boys shared a place meant for two and a dog. They showered together when trying to squeeze into the short amount of time they had in the mornings and savour the warm water before bedtime, or before they fell asleep on their feet. Nonetheless, this felt like his first time seeing a dick except his own.Taehyung wasn't sure if dicks were meant to be pretty. Before, before all this mess inside his head started, dicks and everything sex-related were a sour point of every conversation. They were the culprit why so many people changed the topic when the subjects hit somewhere close and everyone who dared to speak openly about what was meant to stay behind the door was a perv, famous over the internet, but favourite only among their same perv-minded friends. Fortunately for Taehyung, they have locked the door."Pretty," Taehyung wasn't sure why he had said it, he didn't care it might have sounded awkward, but in his culture, dicks were definitely underrated and underpraised.He thinks he heard Samuel laugh breathlessly above him, but the hand definitely landed on his head. A finger removed the stray hair that were irritating his eyes, and a thumb softly caressed his feverish skin."You can touch it, if you want," Samuel's words sounded encouragingly even though still tinted with arousal. And touch?, Taehyung really wanted to. He might actually need to.He reached up his hand and slowly touched the invitingly looking vein right under the tip with a pointed finger. The skin felt smooth and rough at the same time, the vein under his finger pulsated in rhythmic thumps and along with the grip of Samuel's hand bored into his hair that seemed only to tighten, it made Taehyung yelp. He laughed to hide the nervousness knocking on the door, but his cheeks were already red from the embarrassment.Samuel wasn't a patient man, that much Taehyung figured out back in the bar, so it shouldn't be that shocking when the hand in his hair fell loose only for it to grab his wrist and rather forcefully place his palm over the dick. Taehyung's mouth fell open when he saw how easily long fingers wrapped around his wrist or how strong the grip felt. He couldn't move his hand even if he wanted."Make me feel good, baby," said Samuel and moved Taehyung's hand up and down roughly. And maybe Taehyung should just stop thinking, stop analysing his every move before he did it, so he again opened the closet door, inviting the wild animal inside.*Taehyung has been rutting his hips fast and feverish against the bare and hard muscular thigh. The angry red head of his cock dug painfully into the muscle and spilt so much precum it ruined it for any other use. All while strong arms held him close to the naked chest, not letting him lose his balance and fall down. Samuel didn't seem to mind the scratches Taehyung's nails left, and Taehyung didn't care about how deep and painful fingers bore into his skin, he only threw back his head and arched his back almost breaking it in half, there were salty tears of sweet and bitter pleasure falling down his cheeks damping his swollen lips, while his mouth fell open in a high moan resembling almost a scream. His ass pushed up, at this point, he has been more or less riding Samuel's hard cock, he felt it moving between his ass cheeks. The feeling of something hard sturdy and wet was so strange, that nothing he had ever experienced could compare to it. Hot and heavy balls were hitting the back of his thighs, Taehyung could feel them bouncing. The mattress under them squeaked in weak protests, and the headboard of the bed slammed against the wall with such force there was no way the neighbours behind it didn't hear them.Taehyung's hips rutted against the man's stomach, while Samuel laid on his back snapping his hips up and banging his naked heel against the floor.All sensations on Taehyung's skin, all the noises inside his ears and all the smells in his nose that had shot Taehyung's mind up to clouds earlier were suddenly fighting against each other, hitting all the right nerves and buttons making him chase the feeling of adrenaline from the war of his senses as if his life depended on it."Close, so close," Taehyung suddenly saw the ceiling and with the last snap of his hips, he was gone before he could finish the words on his tongue, he spiralled down the slide in euphoria.He let himself loose while he trashed in man's arms with white pleasure blinding him and sending him out of this world, somewhere behind its borders where absolutely nothing bonded him down to this lonely planet. The flames of punishing fire were finally satisfied after so long.He came down while breathing harshly, watching how his hot cum dirtied Samuel's stomach squirting out from his tired and pathetically twitching cock. Taehyung's shoulders moved up and down, all attempts to catch the breath that could relax his body were useless when he still felt a big thick and hard cock rubbing between his ass cheeks as Samuel chased his own orgasm. He listened to low grunts that changed to sharp moans and hissed upon fingers crushing the bones in his hips."Almost there, baby," promised the man.One particularly hard thrust sent him flying onto Samuel's chest. With his head placed over the fast-beating heart, Taehyung swam in a big bubble of comfort, letting waves of tiring pleasure and a refreshing feeling of peacefulness caress his skin, he bathed and turned around like an unborn baby in the mother's womb. The body under him trashed, nothing was left of him from the punishing force of Samuel's hands, his limbs felt like gelatine and his ass was used. And maybe that was the snap his mind needed to bring a pin. Taehyung watched it shine and reflect before his eyes. The sharp tip touched the weakly built walls of consolation one drink and Samuel's presence raised over him and for a moment Taehyung thought nothing would happen but the prolonged second passed. Someone snapped loudly inside his ears and the eager-for-revenge sun changing the moon dried up the ocean. He now swam in the hot lava burning him alive for what he had done. Taehyung screamed inside his head. It all came down.The curtains were raised and his cruel mind stepped on the stage, it was laughing at him this whole time, enjoying how he soaked in unholy pleasure while preparing for its grand reveal under the reflectors of reality.He hit the man's chest with his fist, trying to put as much space between his weak body and the hot skin luring him inside the trap. But Samuel has been too gone, his head too high to register his frail attempts.Taehyung slept with a man, it whispered into his ear, poisonous tongue spitting the truth of what he could no longer erase. He used a random man from the moment he showed him the cute parasol on his palm because that had been Taehyung's plan from the beginning, he wanted to end up in some stranger's bed and suck out everything their bodies could offer him for his own selfish escape. He felt cheap, like a whore working on the streets rotten to his core. How could this poor stranger still touch his disgusting skin?"Hey, baby,' the thrusting has finally stopped, 'are you crying?" a palm touched his forehead pushing his head up and back showing his tears stroked cheeks and blurry eyes that already looked to be in their own reality of the once again crumbling fortresses of his world. This was so fucked up, Taehyung was so fucked up, what was he even doing here? The problem no longer lay in the unnatural attraction he felt to his own gender but in the carelessness of his actions."I- Sorry," but it was too late for his apology to even matter. Taehyung forced his body to move, he pushed the stranger's arms off of his body, shaking like a leaf at a sudden drop in the temperature. His sharp bony elbow hit and pressed at the man's soft stomach"Fuck,' Samuel moaned from the pain, a hand touched him, but Taehyung felt the claws, a voice tried to console him, but that was a shriek inside Taehyung's head, 'what's wrong?"Taehyung fought him, he didn't know why, he should let himself be punished after all, but let's call it self-preservation why the criminals run away from the bullet even if they feel guilty."Taetae, stop!"Taehyung didn't know if he fought himself free or if Samuel stopped holding him by his shoulders, but as soon as there was no force holding him, he fell to the floor, his body too shocked to hold his weight. He crawled away to the empty wall. The harsh carpet made his palms and knees bleed and sting. He rubbed his aching spine while he searched for his things, but they were lost in the blind panic of his eyes. He couldn't even see the light calling at him he wasn't lost forever at the end of his tunnel vision.The creaking of the wooden floor didn't reach his eyes, he just saw naked toes in front of him, before the ocean blue switched the dark off.Samuel has been crunching next to him with confusion and worry written all over his angelic face and not even the messy blond hair falling into his eyes could hide the dark red shadow right over his left cheekbone.Did Taehyung punch him? He couldn't remember. What mattered, Samuel now had all sorts of evidence if he wanted to report him to the police, from the dried-up semen on his stomach to the bruise decorating the handsome face."Hey, don't do that," something pushed at his hand and Taehyung yelped from the pain mixed with a sting. He could feel the iron taste of blood at the tip of his tongue. When he looked down he saw his hand placed on his naked thigh while his middle finger bled from his sharp teeth. Taehyung blinked, no one has ever tried to stop him from his bad habits."I want go," said Taehyung, pleadingly, while he pressed on his bloody fingernail watching the droplets of blood breaking free. It felt almost good. Maybe too perfect to be good."Yeah, sure," a rough hand touched his naked back, it stroked and traced down every prominent bump of his spine before Samuel stood back up on his feet.img src=“https://www.google-analytics.com/collect?v=1&tid=[G-5RFH8TV7PX]

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Taehyung eyed the chair Samuel was standing behind while gesturing to him with open palms to sit down. Taehyung stood by the bathroom door frame with his freshly bandaged knees and a regular band-aid over his finger from the convenience store that usually doesn't last more than half an hour. Taehyung thinks they must have done something wrong when from two new rolls of white cotton bandages remained only the pins that had been holding them together. So, his scratched palms stayed uncovered and they still stung when the open wound breathed in the air, but at least his knees felt soft under the jeans' fabric.He cautiously stepped into the kitchen with ugly dark yellow-coloured walls with no matching green counters while staring at the plain butter toast on the plate and a glass of milk. The low rumble coming from his belly reminded him of the pangs and cramps his empty stomach has been spasming in."You looked hungry," Samuel gave him a sad look, he probably remembered his prominent ribs and sharp elbows or knees, and Taehyung hated this, looking vulnerable in the eyes of others. How was he supposed to be strong when people around him touched him with great care, carried him as if he wasn't able to walk on his own and never let him get hurt? Nevertheless, every time they blinked, he played and risked with the little independence he could say was his own. He was grown up enough to light a lighter but too human when the fire took over the world. And because he risked more than played inside the fenced and bubble-wrapped playground, climbing the fence and popping the bubbles, the invisible burns scattered his soul and visible ones were healing up on his skin. He once again pressed on his bleeding nail.Taehyung sat down on the hard wood, and gulped down the saliva wetting his mouth when the delicious smell of pastry got to his nose. Was it possible for that probably three days old bread to smell almost sensually? Maybe Taehyung has really been hungry after all.He grabbed the old bread, near to moaning when his teeth sank into the soft texture and the sugary flavour got to his taste buds, but as he chewed he realised how awkward it felt with two watching eyes at the back of his head and the hot uncomfortable presence behind him with the pair of hands clenching the top rail of the chair he has been sitting on.Samuel felt like a dad figure Taehyung has been missing so dearly in his life, controlling when he watched him eat but soft and caring when he had cleaned and wrapped up his knees. But there was a line they have already passed when Taehyung took him to the bed and shielded him from the father's firm hand. Or was it the other way?"You too,' Taehyung shivered in his seat, 'eat," he took the bread in both hands and tore it in half watching the crumbs fall on the plate. The single half of the small square toast looked too tiny to fill his starving stomach but he could endeavour the pain in his stubbornness until the breakfast's protein bar or lunch's shared pot of ramen in between the recordings.When Samuel cautiously took the half of the bread from his shaking hands and sat across the table on the second wooden chair, the light of dull regular life shone its rays inside the fucked up night as they shared the simple meal. No one uttered a word as they watched each other's filling cheeks or moving Adam's apples.***Taehyung paced from one side of the kitchen to the other, he had to walk with wary eyes on the floor watching where his bare feet stepped if he didn't want to explain the mysterious bruises rising up on his skin supposedly in his sleep. But he had already tipped over the poor fragile vase and when he tried to dry up the spilt water on the rug, the cloth he had been using left an ugly black stain as it has probably never seen the washing machine. Taehyung hid the oily spot under the fabric.He clutched his phone in his hand, the strong fingers close to crushing the metal frame, while he kept unlocking and locking up the display and checking the numbers of the slowly passing time nearing two hours in the morning. He had sent quite a simple but still tined with a panic message to ShyFlower even though he wasn't sure how his friend could help him in the situation he found himself in, but maybe just wise words ShyFlower has never been afraid to give him, would be enough to console him. Maybe together they would find out the solution. Has been Taehyung asking for a lot? Well, he surely is infamous for his selfish manners. But Taehyung hadn't counted much on luck, he had checked the clock and the time zone the Korean peninsula has been in, were three minutes before six in the afternoon. Only hope in him whispered softly to his ear to not give up yet.He heard the whooshing noise of falling water, slightly muted by the closed bathroom door. Samuel was taking a shower, probably struggling with the fixed showerhead to the wall as Taehyung struggled earlier, his hair was still wet and the cold droplets dripping behind the collar of his hoodie in not heated apartment while close to the winter, were making him shiver.Taehyung checked the internet connection of Samuel's home WiFi, he even refreshed their chat. He was aware ShyFlower worked until eight in the afternoon, as he had told him. And when the time on their wristwatches matched and Taehyung himself was busy with his own work, it was not too much of an obstacle in their 'relationship'. But now, living in two different realities, when in one country the sun was about to rise while in the other was ready to go down, he was not sure if he could wait another hour.The sound of the water came to a halt but Taehyung barely registered that when his phone screen lit up, but not with the notification he got a new message. His phone shined blue with an incoming call. Taehyung's finger shook about a centimetre above the Namjoon hyung's name. There was no other logical explanation for why would hyung call him this late, or should Taehyung say this early, if it didn't mean Taehyung was in trouble. Had Namjoon somehow figured out he left his bed and hotel room? Had Jimin woken up in the middle of the night thirsty or with a full bladder and noticed that the pillows Taehyung had hidden under the blankets, as he saw in the movies, did not resemble a human figure at all? If so, had he alarmed the others and were they rummaging through the hotel's corridors looking for him instead of sleeping? Taehyung should probably pick up the phone. He hated how this looked like the best solution he had.His thumb slid up the green icon and he slowly put the phone to his ear, breathing harshly into the microphone but not daring to say a word."Taehyung-ah," Namjoon's voice sounded awfully tired over the phone, but Taehyung couldn't really blame him, not when the clock ticked so late hour. "Taehyung-ah,' the exhausted hoarseness blended with big relief because even though Taehyung didn't speak, Namjoon could still probably hear him breathe, 'what the fuck?" short in words but so deep in meaning. A big trouble crawled up Taehyung's neck, he should probably prepare his ears for yelling."I know you are there,' Taehyung almost saw Namjoon pinching the top of his nose the way he always does whenever he is too done, too fed up to deal with their shit, 'so can you just say something?" he was getting angry if the sudden change in the force of the tone of his voice didn't say otherwise."Hyung,' said Taehyung quickly choking on the word, 'I am sorry," he did sound extremely regretful as he slid down the wall easing up the nerves by prodding his hurting finger.The bathroom door opened and the hot steam of water and soap got to his nose, when he raised his eyes, he saw the wet and half-naked only with a towel around his hips figure of Samuel stepping out. Taehyung gulped as fingers rubbed through the wet hair. The blond curls looked somehow longer now, almost reaching his chin and shading the soft features, shaping the devil from the angel. He watched as Samuel reached for the plain dark red T-shirt hanging over the armchair's backrest which stood casually in the middle of the room and divided the kitchen from the living room. He brought the fabric to his nose sniffling shortly while closing his eyes before he shrugged and pulled it over his head looking unfazed. Taehyung once again felt confused over the action so manly it should repulse him, but for some reason, he felt weirdly entertained over how his body reacted."Taehyung-ah, are you even listening," Namjoon's voice nearly screamed into his ear and he jumped from startle scaring Samuel who was searching for the second sock from the pair, he gave him a puzzled look. Taehyung just shook his head."Sorry, hyung.""Where are you?" the question was simple, really, but as Taehyung looked around the stranger's flat, from the ugly mustardy coloured wallpaper to the misplaced furniture and rug on just as ugly floor with the kitchen cloth hiding dirty stain and finally at Samuel picking up the used dishes before putting them into the sink for later washing, he gulped."Out?" Taehyung could not possibly tell him the truth, it was bad just as it already was. Confessing he has been sitting on the muddy laminate inside the apartment of a man he barely knew for an hour, equalled decapitation. What would he say anyway when Namjoon would ask why, they played cards or watched movies?"Out, yeah, right,' Taehyung wasn't sure if his anxious mind wasn't just fooling him, but Namjoon's voice sounded quite odd to his ears, 'what are you doing out?" he didn't believe him."I-I' Taehyung was not a good liar, he was scared his hyung would be able to hear the trembling inside his voice 'I went for a wa-walk?' and before Namjoon could form words from the heavy sigh leaving his nostrils, Taehyung added, 'I couldn't sleep," he did not expect the half lie, half truth to make him feel less guilty."What do you mean by you wanted to go for a walk,' exclaimed Namjoon and Taehyung was sure even Samuel could hear his voice outside the phone, 'in the middle of the night,' there was a short pause when Namjoon probably threw his hands in the air as frustration made him lose his cool, 'in the city of freaking New York?"But Taehyung said nothing more, he waited until Namjoon didn't regain his control. A heavy sigh was heard from the phone and Taehyung swore he stopped breathing for a while, expecting the worst.
"Just tell me where you are?' another heavy sigh, 'Where, Taehyung-ah, so I can pick you up?" it seemed Namjoon had given up on the early morning argument, instead he chose to believe Taehyung's lies. The sound of rustling clothes could be heard on the other side of the phone line and another wave of guilt and regret squeezed Taehyung's shameless heart.He raised his head looking straight at Samuel. He was looking back at him, the way his blue ocean eyes were staring back felt just as uncomfortable as when they looked at him for the very first time when they met that night. Taehyung couldn't really tell what about them it was that made him feel bare, as if they could read all of his thoughts without him saying a single word. The worry in them was evident, Taehyung felt like some fragile doll that can break at any moment now, a lost case. And maybe he really was. Maybe he shouldn't be playing in his father's boots and building up houses that could crumble on his head if the wind of real life full of responsible choices blew.Samuel looked slightly nervous. He sat on the armchair and played with the hem of his shirt, waiting for Taehyung to answer his hyung, even though he couldn't understand him."I-I don't know," he mumbled at last. He really had no idea.Taehyung might have been losing his hope too soon, but living with the mind screaming insults his way as its free time hobby, made him a man in despair. In the last few weeks, he felt too fearful to raise his eyes ahead to the positive future, his hand always too shaky to take the help. The familiar band-aid over his heart has been flapping since he had woken up from his dream this night. The glue either weakens up or the elastic strip tears in half when the yellow arrow of betrayal stabs the frail organ, as the brightest ones always tend to turn in the most wicked.The shadow fell over him and maybe a devil who played the thumps on the walls of his heart recognised the angel hiding behind those blond curls. Taehyung's human eyes couldn't see the outstretched wings but perhaps the force they flapped in held the monster back."Sixth Avenue," said the angel, once again forcing his finger out from the ruthlessness of his teeth."What?" Taehyung blinked."Taehyung, what was that? Who's there with you?" Namjoon's voice perked up with new hope and Taehyung was too slow to realise the mistake."A passer-by?" he tried, scolding his tongue for nearly letting him down. Taehyung was happy in his guilt Samuel could not understand his lie as he was afraid of what would happen if the small smile waves and the blue eyes tear those oceans out."Passer-by? Taehyung-ah, pass the phone, please,' Namjoon suddenly sounded more alive, and Taehyung's hand lowered as if he could hear the eager beats of his hyung's heart."Brother,' he said while shaking his hand, 'English," and answered the confusion written over Samuel's face while he eyed up his phone before taking it and bringing it to his ear."Hello?" *Taehyung was sitting on the passenger seat of the biggest Jeep he has ever seen in his life while cuddling up his scarf. The little number on the digital thermometer on the flickering radio's screen showed thirty-four degrees but Taehyung knew better than to believe American's system, because he has been shivering inside the car's cabin while his teeth chattered, making the annoying clicking sound inside his head. Samuel tried turning on the broken heater earlier by hitting and kicking the poor box, but after a dangerously looking fight of sparkles that had lighted up the dark insides of the car, he threw away the screwdriver in humiliating defeat and instead draped his coat over Taehyung's bony shoulders, even offering a pair of his fingerless gloves, but one look at Samuel's pink and dry hands quivering on the steering wheel made Taehyung shook his head shily.They were passing loud streets which attacked Taehyung's tired eyes with their colourful flashes of lights that the New York air has been literally gleaming with. Taehyung felt like inside a movie they sometimes watch back at home on their small TV screen as he followed colours dancing on his window. If he squinted his eyes, through the blinding lights he would be able to recognise billboards shining in lights of advertisements they have been playing on tower buildings surrounding them and many other cars. The traffic has been static. Every time Samuel pressed down on the accelerator, the Jeep came to a halt when his foot hit the brake next, in order to not drive over the high-in-spirits people crossing the crowded road. Taehyung wondered how much longer he would have to spend shivering inside the car's cabin while listening to the buzzing of the metropolis.*The strong white lights of reflectors lit up the street hidden in shadow that looked somehow familiar to Taehyung's eyes. Yellow taxis were still blocking the road and drunk people were not even thinking about going to bed as the lid of another bottle with strong liquid inside, fell open while they were running away from tired policemen chasing them with their truncheons raised high over their heads.Samuel twisted the keys inside the car's ignition switch to turn off the engine. The vibrations going through Taehyung's from a cold convulsing body stopped at once but the phantom of a tingling sensation teasing his bones has remained."We are here," Samuel broke the silence by clearing his throat. They did not speak a word since the low beep of Taehyung's phone announced the end of the call after the long conversation between Samuel and Namjoon back at the apartment above the railing station. And while Taehyung tried to convince himself the silence has nothing to do with the side glances Samuel had been sending him while carefully listening to his hyung hoarse voice, it proved to be difficult to console his anxious mind.Taehyung looked out the windshield and immediately recognised the old grey façade of the hotel at which they have been staying. He counted up to three floors, but the fourth one was hidden by the car's roof above his head. The hotel rooms behind dark windows were sleeping, some with shut-down curtains and others were probably uninhabited.By the big and too glamorous looking for such cheap hotel, entrance door, right by the short concrete column stood a figure with a black shadow over the face. Taehyung's throat closed up when he despite it recognized Namjoon hyung in the tall man with lanky limbs too long for his short torso. He has been dancing on his feet, stomping in untied boots while with hands under the armpits trying to bring some heat to his shivering body. It looked as if he hastily put a jacket over his airy plain pyjamas but forgot to zip it on and the long scarf over his shoulders hasn't been serving its purpose either."Thank you," Taehyung turned to Samuel eyeing his profile and secretly admiring the high nose and prominent cheeks bones of his face, his features looked somehow sharper, and his shoulders moved in tense inhales and exhales. Samuel's eyes were set on the road watching the shortening shadows, it was nearly three in the morning if the digital numbers on the car's radio didn't lie.Samuel blinked, forcing the corners of his mouth to move upwards in a forceful grimace, he gave Taehyung a short nod. Taehyung wished he could see the ocean blue one last time because the memory has already started to fade. The saturated colours were slowly dying away in his mind, they were becoming weaker by every minute, ready to give in to colourless thought, and the next time he would try to recollect it, nothing only words by which he had described it would appear.Taehyung raised his hand, he wasn't sure if it was shaking because of cold or worry, and with his heart racing in his chest, he touched Samuel's shoulder. It was only a light tap, barely there, but he felt him flinch and retreat closer to the cold window."Right," Taehyung was aware he sometimes wanted too much.His fingers felt up the hard muscle under the thin jacket and gave it one last squeeze before he let his hand slowly slide down, it looked rejected and pathetic, lying on the leather surface of the car seat."I am sorry," Taehyung spoke up to Samuel's back. He had to force himself not to run his fingers through blond curls peeking out of the beanie, he wondered how long will it take to forget how thick and tickly they felt when he was pulling at them not even two hours ago? "I ... go," Taehyung exhaled, but a swift movement caught his peripheral vision as he turned around, searching for the car's door handle."Wait," Samuel's throaty voice was quick to stop him. He touched his spine."Yes?" Taehyung swore he had never moved this fast, but then again, he had never feared losing a single memory."The coat?" Samuel nodded towards him; the sturdy fingers caressed the brown thick material draped over Taehyung's figure and they stopped by the edge, grabbing it.The quiet 'Oh' that escaped Taehyung's mouth sounded fake and disappointing even to his ears. Of course, Taehyung was just a foolish boy, always hoping when it was too late. He nodded and moved his shoulders back as a big and heavy coat was lifted off his body, the cold instantly penetrated right to his bones as a feeling like thousands of little sharp needles were bored into his skin. He forgot to wear his own jacket. The icy fingers wrapped around his wrist before they let him go.Taehyung's boots touched the wet asphalt and tiny to naked eye invisible stones crunched under their soles as he made his way to Namjoon warming up his hands with hot breath. The white car's lights seeping behind his back were accompanying him on the rough path.The storm flashing angry bolts of lightning full of electricity between the black clouds in Namjoon's eyes made Taehyung hang his head in shame. The Namjoon's aura hitting on his senses and attacking his conscience made him shrug into himself. He knew the first words Namjoon will say would be harsh, the exhaustion of his voice over the phone still played on his eardrums, so he didn't know what to think when a hand wrapped around him and Namjoon led him inside by such force as if he didn't want him to stay outside the safety of hotel's walls any longer.They walked together, hip by hip as a strong hold of a hand bored deep into Taehyung's hip. Namjoon's feet moved fast on the polished marble and while Namjoon took one step, it equalled Taehyung's hurried three. Taehyung kept his eyes on the ground, he watched their lightly reflecting silhouettes making their way to the elevators at the end of the hallway, right behind the reception.Taehyung knew he probably looked dishevelled with messed up hair from all the tugging and pale sweaty skin from anxiety or with the big scarf that appeared horrendous without a proper coat, but it was the only thing he could hide his blushing face behind. It still smelled after cigarettes, bacon and disinfectant; it was as if the fabric had soaked Samuel's presence.The first time he saw his face that night was when the elevator's sliding heavy metal door shut and he noticed a mirror by his right. There were bags under his eyes and crumbs from toast around his lips, his nose was pink, probably from the cold but otherwise, his face looked sickly white, almost blue or green as he fought the nervousness and nearing hangover at the back of his hurting head while the moving sensation of the rising elevator made his stomach sway uncomfortably. Namjoon's lips were pursed and sealed throughout the way, his eyes resembled only narrow slits and Taehyung was positive he was fuming as his nostrils moved dangerously.The door slid open with a ringing ping and they stepped out onto the straight hallway with flickering lights. Their footsteps were muffled by a dusty carpet with ornaments that led them to the end of the hall where at the door with number four hundred and fifty, Namjoon stuck a key with a familiar keychain into the lock. Taehyung's heart sank, deep down to the ground, as he realised that although the room looked familiar with its white walls and big sliding balcony door, he saw only one bed and the New York poster was replaced by the framed beach. They were in Namjoon's room."Sit," said Namjoon shortly and pointed towards the unmade bed, his voice sharp as the blade of a knife.Taehyung's knees buckled and he sat down, bouncing on the soft mattress and staining the sheets with his dirty clothes. Namjoon has never sat down, he stood right in front of Taehyung, legs spread wide and hands holding his hips, he looked furious as pure red anger slipped past his lips."What were you thinking?" he whisper-yelled and ran his hand through his hair in frustration, but that didn't seem to be enough as he started to pace around the room and stomp his feet."Hyung, I-" but Namjoon didn't let him explain."Were you completely out of your mind, Taehyung!?" Namjoon spat his name out, the saliva flew around his mouth like a hot fire of a dragon."Or are you just that stupid to not realise how,' he cut his speech short only to wipe his mouth, 'how dangerous that was?" the volume of Namjoon's voice increased and the sound ranging inside his ears made him want to cover them.Taehyung pouted, he felt slightly hurt and upset by the cruel words. He was aware his careless actions of tonight needed to be punished. He knew the consequences were coming and although he didn't feel ready to face them, he could force himself to endure them without shooting the arrows of rage. He usually knew when to keep quiet and don't argue. But calling Taehyung stupid?"Why would you think going to,' Namjoon clenched his fists, 'such a place was a good idea?""Such a place?" Taehyung asked almost inaudibly, not daring to breathe."Brothel, Taehyung, brothel!"Taehyung blushed dark red up to the roots of his hair, his eyes opened wide fearing to fall out and he forgot how to close his mouth as the acid raised dangerously close to his throat."I did not-"Namjoon didn't listen, he seemed to be completely livid. "What if someone saw you, Taehyung,' he shook his head and Taehyung wished he could just stop repeating his name, 'what if something happened to you, what if,' he suddenly halted on his feet, nearly stumbling and turned to face him and Taehyung flinched when he notice how wild, how blown out by the anger his eyes looked like, 'what if someone took advantage of you?"Taehyung couldn't find the strength to look away, the look in Namjoon's eyes felt almost hypnotising, with the power they held they wrapped their arms around his mind. The words fought so loud inside his brain, it made him almost cry and his ears bled with their swords.Taehyung wanted to ask how he knew, but maybe a better question would be what had Samuel told him."Taehyung,' his name on Namjoon's tongue sounded so breathless as he took one big step and grabbed both of his arms, 'tell me you weren't forced,' he shook him, the hold so strong Taehyung was sure it would leave bruises, 'please," Namjoon looked desperate, his eyes searched all over Taehyung's ashen face."Hyung, it hur-""Taehyung-ah, I swear if one of those sick bastards put a finger on you, if they touched you and you didn't want that, I-""Hyung, my arm!" Taehyung whimpered, it felt as if Namjoon's strong fingers were crushing his bones, he was scared it would snap in two. Taehyung tried to break free, he wiggled in the hold, but as he moved, the fingers bored only deeper."Answer me!" the powerful yell shook the walls and swirled the dust, it found its way inside every crack or gap, it bounced from every surface and tried to go through every barrier, physical made of atoms, or mental made of thoughts. Everything from muffled sounds coming from never sleeping New York street that penetrated the glass window to Taehyung's racing heart, seemed to stop, only the constant buzzing inside his ears remained. Taehyung could feel the cold sweat of pure fear running down his body and he shivered when the salty droplets damped his clothes."No," he uttered, his voice low."What no?"Taehyung gulped and lowered his head, his hand itched with a need to bring it to his mouth and bite till his nail didn't fall off, till the pouring blood didn't let his body dry, till he didn't feel the overwhelming pulsating pain he found himself grown addicted to."What no, Taehyung!?""I wasn't forced," mumbled Taehyung at least, avoiding the feral brown eyes in fear the bitten truth would seep through."Then why?"Taehyung hated to lie, he hated to keep things to himself, he sometimes couldn't stand what a paranoid man it made him, he was so tired of watching his tongue and analysing his actions. He let the need to taste true freedom outside his dreams win tonight. He heard it cheer earlier when it sank its sharp teeth inside Taehyung's skin, munching and enjoying Taehyung's true colours and looking forward to a main meal. Taehyung hoped it would make him feel full enough to eat dessert, to sin with a mouth full of forbidden fruit melting his taste buds with its overpowering taste of muskiness tinted with baby oil.Namjoon lowered himself, his knees hit the floor and he grabbed Taehyung's hands. The scratches on his palms started to sting again when the fresh wound was mixed with sweat. Taehyung bathed in the comfort of burning pain. He reminded Taehyung of Samuel when he kneeled before him on the muddy bathroom tiles of his apartment while bandaging and kissing his injured knees. But while Taehyung could tell the blond angel the truth if he knew the correct words, the thought of telling Namjoon made his blood run cold. Out of the blue, he remembered the video he had not-so-accidentally watched on his hyung's computer screen. After months of recollecting only the man in leather bonds presenting his vulnerable body, he suddenly recalled another figure, tall in high heels and curvy in the red body suit. The sound of high high-pitched woman's laugh played inside his ears when his memory pressed on the blue play button. A woman, dominating and dangerous, but still a woman.
"...if one of those

sick bastards

put a finger on you,"
"Because I am sick just like them,' Taehyung spat out mockingly (sorry for not being normal like you), he ignored the confused look Namjoon gave him, he knew he wouldn't understand, nobody seemed to do, and he refused to believe the sudden softness and pity swimming on brown eyes."I was being stupid,' is it what you wanted to hear? , 'it won't happen again,' you don't know how it feels to lock yourself up, 'I promise," I would risk again.Taehyung stood up on his feet, he towered over Namjoon's kneeling figure, looking bigger but feeling beaten up."Taehyung-ah, I didn't finish yet," Namjoon tried to sound threatening, putting on the mask of the leader, but failing in the boy that's older only by a year from him."I am sorry for waking you up,' Taehyung stood by the door, his fingers were wrapped around the handle and the cold metal soothed the irritation of his scratched palm, 'and thank you," he pressed down.As he was closing the door, shaking from overwhelming emotions that he could no longer hold over his head, he thought he heard a voice coming through the gap between door and wall, a voice that definitely didn't belong to Namjoon. But he couldn't be sure when at the same time his phone went off, vibrating inside his pants pocket.
ShyFlower: Are you alright? You are not sick.
Taehyung shut the door. img src=“https://www.google-analytics.com/collect?v=1&tid=[G-5RFH8TV7PX]

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

November 2015
"Hyung,' someone tugged at Taehyung's T-shirt, 'hyung, pay attention to me," a hand wrapped around his wrist and pulled, making him drop his phone. Taehyung watched with mouth open in surprise how the square thin box fell on the hard floor, it bounced on its edges, before it slapped right on the fragile screen, and Taehyung was positive he heard a crack."Jungkook-ah,' Taehyung whined and bent down, picking up his damaged device, 'that phone was new," he was almost afraid to turn it around while he stared at the slick black case with visible scratches from nails and white smudges from his fingers, while his own shocked face reflected on the glassy back."I am sorry, hyung,' Jungkook's fingers wrapped under his armpit and helped him to stand up, 'is it broken?" warm soft hand touched Taehyung's shortly before it turned his phone around, and when the rays of indoor yellow lighting created the faint rainbow where the smooth screen was shattered, they both gasped."Oh, no,' Jungkook stared at the webs of lines and tiny crystals that can cut one's skin very easily, 'you should have bought the screen protector," thought Jungkook aloud.Taehyung only glared at his dongsaeng angrily and caressed the visible cracks with his index finger, while a pout crumpled his face into an upset grimace. The delicate skin brushed against the split and the sharp sudden pain that reached the sensitive nerves at the end of his fingertip made him hiss. Taehyung lifted his hand, curious eyes inspecting the perfect slash. He pressed on the soft pink flesh with his thumb and watched as a single drop of crimson blood gushed out. He pressed some more, harder this time, almost feeling the hard bone, and a thin stream of red streamed down his finger, staining his nail. Taehyung felt strangely mesmerised by glistening droplets and he floated in addicting pain."Hyung,' Jungkook's voice reached his ears, breaking up the spell, 'are you hurt?" he sounded more panicky than Taehyung felt. Taehyung was weirdly calm about something that would make him freak out another time.Jungkook took his injured hand, he grabbed it swiftly and harshly. "You should be more careful, hyung," Jungkook hit his sides as if searching for something. "Ah, I think I used the last tissue this morning," mumbled Jungkook seemingly distracted by a simple cut."Jungkook-ah,' Taehyung rolled his eyes impatiently, 'it's alright, see, it's not bleeding anymore," he shook his hand in Jungkook's grasp, but the doe eyes opened wide all of a sudden and Jungkook's jaw dropped."Hyung!' Jungkook exclaimed, 'What happened to your hand?"Taehyung furrowed his eyebrows in question, looking down and then, Shit!, he pulled his hand away, almost aggressively."It's nothing," he mumbled and put his arms behind his back, interlocking the fingers and brushing them against the dip of his back."No, no, hyung,' Jungkook insisted, 'show me, I want to see," he once again pulled at the sleeve of Taehyung's T-shirt, stretching the poor fabric beyond its limits and Taehyung bored his fingers into the plush of his ass, not giving up that easily. But maybe he should have known he usually doesn't stand much chance when Jungkook pulls those big bulky muscles into use, when not even after ten seconds of the pointless fight, he felt his hands give in. The air whooshed around him, making the hair on his skin stand up at how fast Jungkook snapped it back."Hyung, it looks,' Jungkook bit his bottom lip and quickly glanced up, meeting Taehyung's eyes, 'bad," he said at least.Taehyung was aware the word bad was just an understatement. His palms looked bruised around the ugly slowly healing wounds, the scrapes that were yesterday an angry bright red colour, bleeding over every minor motion, became darker over the rest of the night as the scab began to form. Taehyung had to stop himself from scratching away the protective crust, but it has become somehow harder to not act upon the intrusive thoughts banging against his brain in the last few weeks."It is fine, really,' Taehyung clicked his tongue, getting annoyed and frustrated if the pink colour of his cheeks didn't speak for itself, 'It looks worse than it is," he wanted to retreat his hand again, but Jungkook's hold was too strong."What had happened,' asked Jungkook, pouting his lips and blowing soft cold air over his irritated skin, 'you didn't have them yesterday when we went to sleep," he stated wisely.And maybe Taehyung shouldn't be so surprised by how observant Jungkook's mind was, picking up the smallest details Taehyung was sure others wouldn't notice if he literally didn't wave before their eyes. Well, maybe Jimin would, yes, he definitely would."I fell?' Taehyung wasn't sure why his answer came up sounding so uncertain when after all it really was the truth, 'you know me how, 'Taehyung gulped nervously, 'how clumsy I can be sometimes," he looked from one side of the room to the other as if expecting someone might catch his tongue in a lie. While Taehyung never hesitated to stumble over every offending carpet corner or smash valuables when gesturing greatly with his hands to support his speech, strangely enough, only things around him got broken, torn, ripped or damaged in some way, while he only rubbed the red spot on his elbow or knee. But maybe panicky, anxious and with major suffocation ruling over the mind Taehyung, was bound to get hurt more easily."Does it hurt?" asked Jungkook."Not anymore," Taehyung shook his head and lifted his shoulders, appearing nonchalant.But Jungkook, while inspecting the wrinkly skin, came to his own conclusion: "It does look painful,' he looked concentrated in his own disappointment, 'Did you hurt your other hand too?" he wondered aloud and before Taehyung could have the chance to answer, he grabbed his left hand from behind his back. And maybe Taehyung should be concerned about how easily he was getting manhandled these days, but every time he tried to argue, his mind seemed to be latent, dormant in its charmed state."Hyung, did you take care of it?"And if holding both palms under the stream of lukewarm water while watching how it turned from transparent to pretty pink from gushing out blood and pressing on the most painful places, Taehyung did."Of course," Taehyung nodded, lying without a trace of shame in his eyes. He became good at it. The skill of scolding his face into an emotionless expression wrapped around him like a second skin, only this one was thicker, harder to penetrate, not even a sharp needle would get to the truth that would make him sweat and blush while scratching the back of his head.Only Jungkook's inquisitive eyes didn't know the boundaries, they tended to burn off the barriers made of protective shells. Curiosity mixed with a drop of worry always won over sensitivity and consideration of one's feelings. And Jungkook meant good, Taehyung knew the maknae enough to understand the purity of his heart, if that didn't make him sound rude. But Taehyung was afraid, Jungkook would pull out the arrow with a terrifyingly looking point instead of a simple needle."Is this why you called Jin hyung last night?" Jungkook asked with interest, but there was something else tinting his tone, maybe confidence if not belief?Taehyung blinked, momentarily breaking off the mask of safety, feeling perplexed. His hands trembled, giving off the anxiety climbing up the ladder from the back of his heels.Did Namjoon hyung mention something over breakfast, or was it over the steaming pot of soup? But didn't Jungkook just say Jin hyung?"I did not?" uttered Taehyung, sounding fairly baffled."Hyung,' Jungkook shook his head, the look in his eyes disappointed, 'I am rooming with Jin hyung, did you forget?" he said as if that could answer a million questions screaming at Taehyung inside his head, banging their fists against his scalp and threatening with a concussion from confusion.Taehyung felt like a cartoon character from his favourite children's series with bushy eyebrows raised high in the air, even above his head, with at least ten big question marks flying around him while two of his four fingers stroked his chin.Taehyung lifted his shoulders, he honestly didn't know who is who's roommate when, at the end of the day, they all end up pushing each other under one blanket, poking waists and shins with elbows, knees or toes. The Small Rented Soul Apartment syndrome has been following them even overseas."I am not lying, if that is what are you trying to say," Taehyung crossed his arms on his chest, sticking out the bottom lip in a pout, his tone the same defensive as his pose."Hyung,' Jungkook continued to shake his head, 'I heard Jin hyung talking with you over the phone last night," he looked Taehyung up and down, the eyebrows furrowed and the once soft features suddenly became as if carved into a stone as they stretched around the thin line of his pursed lips and angry eyes of accusation. The look made Taehyung shiver."I am not sure what you heard, but,' Taehyung stuck up his chin, the centimetre of height difference helped him to appear as superior, 'I did not speak with Jin hyung last night,"He saw the tongue poking inside of Jungkook's cheek, while the boy straighten his back and pushed his shoulders back to open his chest in authority, and Taehyung couldn't believe they were both subconsciously fighting over dominance with testosterone bubbling over a hundred degrees and showing fists with knuckles already bruised from mental fight.Jungkook didn't like when someone tried to argue with the truth he witnessed whether with his observant curious eyes or sensitive ears. He dared those who spoke otherwise with a simple gesture of a hand, but he always made sure to stand his ground. Jungkook could be stubborn like that."What did you hear anyway?" Taehyung got the message when a long finger pointed at him in a rude manner. He thought Jungkook is only provoking him to get the answers, he was aware of Taehyung's short temperament."I couldn't sleep last night,' Jungkook sighed and then rolled his eyes as if the annoying memory suddenly crossed his mind, 'Jin hyung kept staring at his phone, laughing and typing," Jungkook threw his hands into the air and groaned. Taehyung nearly laughed. They all knew Seokjin's little habit of not turning off the keyboard sounds, and every time they heard soft yet loud tap tap tap, they all swore their blood was near to boiling."I told him to stop and go to sleep and I think he did?' Jungkook suddenly looked deep in thought before he snapped out of it, 'but then he woke me up when he slammed the bathroom door and...,""And?" Taehyung hurried him up, he had not the slightest idea where this story was going."And he kept repeating your name,' the smile on Jungkook's lips was smug while he tilted his head, looking at Taehyung sideways, 'Oh,' he stuck up one finger into the air, 'he also mentioned Namjoonie hyung's name a few times, if that can help you remember." Jungkook was definitely mocking him, probably expecting that Taehyung would just give up.Only if Jungkook knew the true story of the great riddle Taehyung was standing in front of while the pieces of the puzzle kept fitting in too easily. And Taehyung has always been a good puzzler.***Taehyung's feet walked on the familiar dusty rug they had dirtied just a few hours ago with the wet mud from New York streets, and if he squinted his eyes, he could definitely make up dirt-brown in colour shapes of wrinkly soles of someone's boots in between the pretty ornaments in the dim lighting of single ceiling lamp above the last door at the end of the long corridor. With a rough arm around his waist, while trying to follow the fast step of his angry fuming hyung at three in the morning, Taehyung did not register the old wallpaper faded by the passing years or by the rays of sunshine that had to stream inside through the big window behind him.He did not remember the number of the room they had walked into, only its poster with melancholic sea, neither the number of steps they had taken from the elevator, his mind was too hazy and blurry yet sharp with panic back then.He clenched his broken phone in his right hand and the left one swished by his side in an almost angry motion. His mind swam in rage from all the unanswered questions demanding a solution while he was tiptoeing around another breakdown snoring at the back of his mind. So when he overheard Yoongi saying Jin was hanging up in Namjoon's room while they were eating a late dinner at the hotel's restaurant, he immediately took the elevator ride, ready to answer whatever Jungkook had heard the previous night and to tidy up his assumptions.Taehyung stopped in the middle of the hallway facing a row of doors with odd numbers. He didn't remember if Namjoon's door had what looked to be the paper remains stuck on the strong glue from torn stickers like the door with the number four hundred and fifty-one had or if they were sprinkled with blue paint that someone had definitely tried to clean with bleach if ugly hues of sickening pink were not enough of evidence like the door with the number four hundred and fifty-three had."Taehyung-ah? What are you doing here?" he didn't expect the door behind him would open.Taehyung turned around, the heels of his big boots crumpled the dusty carpet under him and he faced the open door between four hundred and forty-eight and four hundred and fifty-two."Jin hyung,' said Taehyung surprised but also relieved, 'I found you."Jin took one step forward and his hand holding the handle of Namjoon's door closed the opened room."Were you looking for me?" Jin appeared quite shy, his head was tilted forward on his long neck while bent in a half bow, he was looking at Taehyung's face through the thickness of his black eyelashes, but not meeting his eyes."Um, yes," admitted Taehyung, although the initial bravery with which he had pressed the sticking out four button on the elevator wall seemed to leave him when it noticed the wideness of his hyung's shoulders."Oh, really?' Jin looked around and nervously rubbed the palms of his hands, 'well I was thinking about having dinner you know?' the laugh that he uttered sounded strained, 'so, maybe some other time?" he pointed with both of his index fingers at the vacant space of the fourth floor and turned around rather quickly giving Taehyung a brisk glance at his handsome profile while the pearl white teeth were playing with the plump pink bottom lip."Hyung, wait!"Jin couldn't look more suspicious in Taehyung's eyes. Taehyung still wasn't sure what he was doing, whenever he even thought about it, his hands started to shake and his heart skipped a beat while a nervous sweat came out of his pores.He unlocked the cracked screen of his phone and squinted cautiously at the blurry pixelated letters of the keyboard before he hit the arrow enter.In the silence of the hotel's floor, a loud pang of the familiar sound of notification was heard and both of them, Taehyung and Jin, stared at the glistening rectangle behind the fabric of Jin's washed-out jeans.Jin's shoulders sagged in surrender, waving the white flag. Taehyung watched as he took one big inhale and exhale before he spoke, gesturing behind himself: "Come with me."The door opened with a creak, as all old hotel doors open, after Jin twisted the handle. They heard a rustle of bed sheets before Namjoon's confused face blocked out their view. He stood there with hands on his hips, his gaze falling from Jin to Taehyung."Did you forget something?" Namjoon blinked and looked around his hotel room while attempting to fix perfectly tidied-up pillows and duvets. Taehyung suspected he was trying to avoid Taehyung's searching eyes just as Taehyung was trying to avoid his whole presence."I thought you we-""Joon,' the nickname fell off Jin's tongue effortlessly, 'he knows,' he nodded towards Taehyung awkwardly standing in his hyung's shadow, 'Taehyung knows," Jin sighed and wrapped his arms around Taehyung's shoulders, pushing him forward. Taehyung tried to shy away to hide back behind Jin's tall and broad figure, but fingers bored into his skin and held him in place."Oh,' mumbled Namjoon, and hands that held the square pillow clothed in a white satin case shook, 'well, I mean it was about to happen,' Namjoon turned around, 'as you once said," he lifted his eyes and looked at Jin with what could be described only as understanding and sympathy, he gave him a small smile. Namjoon's whole face relaxed and he dropped the soft pillow back on the mattress before he sat down, his heels lifted about a centimetre above the floor."Well,' Jin caught on the catchy phrase, his voice rumbled above Taehyung's head and he could feel how a breath messed up his hair, Taehyung trembled when cold shivers ran down his body, 'we both know I was playing with a fire these days," soft bells of Jin's laughter rang inside Taehyung's ears.Namjoon grimaced and sighed, probably shaking his head at the carefreedom with which Jin has chosen to face the situation."How are you feeling though, hyung?" Namjoon asked Jin carefully and Taehyung saw how his leg started to quiver on the tiptoes. He raised it up, the socked feet matching the sheets' colour and hugged his knee.Jin's fingers on his shoulders started to draw small calming circles, playing with the fabric of Taehyung's T-shirt, before he spoke again, his voice a little bit smaller: "I- I am better than I thought I would be,' the body behind Taehyung tensed before it relaxed again with big exhale, the weight nearly crushing Taehyung down, 'No need to worry about me, Joon-ah,' suddenly Jin's laugh was back, stronger and steadier, 'it feels great to have a buddy, right Taehyung-ah?" Taehyung didn't expect a playful hand to touch his sides, he yelped and jumped on his feet, when devilish fingers tickled on his waist.With one hand loose on his body, it was easier to push the weight away, he pressed his palm against Jin's chest, right in the middle of his ribcage and broke free. Taehyung massaged his sore shoulders and when he looked up at Jin, he saw the red tint over his cheeks and wet shiny sweat running down his neck."A buddy?" asked Taehyung, he felt puzzled. The words exchanged between his hyungs were slowly, but still excitedly reaching his mind, but as soon as they opened the secret door, they found the space empty, the chair of his comprehension skills spun around in its vacantness."Yes, Taehyung-ah, a bu-,' Jin suddenly furrowed his brows, 'wait, how did you call us the other day, Joon-ah?' he closed his eyes, pressing the eyelids so tight together that the skin around them wrinkled, he looked to be deep in thoughts."Ah, yes,' Jin exclaimed and his eyes snapped wide open, the stare in them when he looked down on Taehyung was dreamy, 'We are flower boys, Taehyung-ah!" Jin sang cheerfully putting the fists in the air in a happy victory dance while he moved his hips from left to right.And it was most likely the melodic but still high-pitched voice of Jin's song that banged on the left hemisphere of his brain, when the understanding, sporting a cup of hot steaming coffee, leisurely walked in, a big yawn stretched its mouth wide to clear the heavy fog that everything was wandering and stumbling in. It took the chair. The red control beeped above Taehyung's head."So it is you!' the finger of accusation shook in the air, pointing at Jin's face. Taehyung once again unlocked his phone and turned the cracked and in lights flickering, but still definitely recognizable screen to Jin where the words of conversation in grey and purple stretched out, 'the ShyFlower, it was you the whole time?" Taehyung tapped on the name written at the top of their chat and a simple animation the app was coded in zoomed in to the photo Taehyung grew used to see.And Taehyung wasn't sure why only now, after all this time, he recognised the familiar slope of the nose with ever so small bump where the dorsum met the tip, when he spent countless minutes, probably nearing hours, admiring the boy with light brown hair and skilfully braided crown of summer dandelions.Taehyung's shoulders sagged when realisation once again hit him."Did you,' he whispered uncertainly, 'did you know it was me,' a cold shiver-like feeling ran down his back, locking his body in defence before the upcoming attack, 'who you were writing with?""I am sorry, Taehyung-ah," Jin probably saw and understood the hurtful expression Taehyung's face broke up into. But as soon as the hand reached forward to touch him again, Taehyung shied away and shielded his body with both of his arms, his eyes screamed betrayal with the sudden tears breaking free."Why?' Taehyung's voice came out hoarse and shaky as snot irritated the back of his throat, 'I don't understand."To other people, Taehyung might appear as a boy living inside a body that has crossed the line of adultness rather fast and unprepared, as he still sported some kind of childish look in his features. The world tried to put him in the same box as those who are carefree and innocent playing and shaping their future with the hands of their parents or older friends, too unresponsible and naïve to do that on their own. And while Taehyung might appear fairly young with a round face, no prominent cheekbones and big searching eyes, he felt as if he aged decades with each struggle, obstacle, breakdown and lie put over his head. What are the characteristics of ageing? Awareness? Taehyung has popped the bubble from which walls the sins had been bouncing away, getting to him only as half-truths, long ago. Weakness? Taehyung's arms shook over his head while trying to hold the heavy weight of what one calls experience, but Taehyung preferred mockery as he wasn't sure what this fight was good for when his face was apparently so transparent and his actions spoke for themselves. Stupidity? Oh, Taehyung felt so foolish, dense and absolutely humiliated."Did you have fun?" Taehyung spat the words out, watching the poisonous drops of his saliva flying from his mouth."Taehyung!' it was Namjoon who spoke from his right, still sitting on the hotel bed and bouncing his leg on the tips of his toes, he spoke with such surprise tinting his vocal cords as if Taehyung said something scandalous 'that is not the way how to speak to your elders, don't be disrespectful,' Taehyung heard the heel hit the floor with a loud bang, 'Apologise to hyung!" it was funny how the origins of their birthplaces always seeped through when they were angry. They coloured the tones of their voices in various accents of their country. Their uniqueness made them sound raw, angrier and more human like than the humble figures of idols the industry made them hide behind."Namjoon-ah,' the sound of the movement of Jin raising his hand swished inside Taehyung's ears, 'it is alright."Taehyung couldn't distinguish genuineness from fake, but in the pain of his own heart beating in stabs his back has been bleeding in, he refused to bow his head."Taehyung-ah,' Jin turned to him, facing the weak shield of his hands, 'why would you think something like this," Jin's voice was awfully sweet and Taehyung wished for another pair of hands he could cover his ears with so he wouldn't yell other cruel words."Because you were clearly enjoying yourself,' the anger rising from betrayal fumed in his head, it made him see more red with every blink, Taehyung was so close to the edge, 'knowing who I was and,' he needed to take a deep breath to scold his expression and calm down the shakiness of his voice, 'how hard it wa- it is for me!" Taehyung hissed from sudden sharp pain coming from both of his hands, he didn't realise, in a state of raw emotions controlling him, he dug his nails into his unhealed palms, to prevent the outburst, only the soreness made him more daring."Was any of that even true?"Now Taehyung is not the type of person to grab the hazardous match and strike an argument, he doesn't like his hair to be pulled or his nails to get bloody. He likes to think he prefers a mature exchange of opinions, no matter how foreign they sound to the other. He believes yelling and swearing result only in unresolved conflicts. But in order to stay true to himself, someone should lock up the outbreak of emotions that were busily and wildly snapping the bonds.Taehyung has been probably too stunned that he forgot to care, the same as he forgot to listen earlier, if Namjoon, gawking at the back of Taehyung's head, knew about the sick game Jin has been playing with him."Are you even,' with a single tear falling down his cheek he mumbled the last word aloud, 'a gay?" the turn his stomach made was not so much of nervousness than of excitement as his heart jumped from the thrill. Taehyung has been risking too much, putting his last hope out there and no matter how his brain assured him he was prepared to have it crushed, he couldn't believe the same person who had put the plaster over the wound in his heart was about to snatch it away. Taehyung would probably drown in red loneliness while choking on the overwhelming taste of iron.But Jin was quick to react, quick to nod. "You have no idea how much," he agreed vehemently with a big gulp of air escaping his throat. Jin's lips quivered into a sad smile and the wetness of sudden tears his eyes swam in, moved Taehyung's cold heart, they melted the icebergs.The storm has woken up, it swore loudly in confusion and madness. Taehyung lost the sense of what to think. He marched from one end to the other, feeling relieved that the help is so close, closer than a hand reach, but at the same time, his common sense tried to reason with him. But while Taehyung's insides fought, hitting on his emotions, his face remained stoic.Taehyung had never suspected any of his friends to be anything but straight, anything but normal, not after he experienced many encounters when they bathed in women's presence, always bulging up their muscles and dropping their voices. Taehyung felt sudden companionship and sympathy towards his eldest brother who appeared to all of them as a carefree soul cracking silly jokes along the way, who always knew how to cheer them up when their shoulders felt, who might not be the warm figure wrapping his hands around them when they broke down, but his hand has always come to ruffle their hair. Taehyung's heart cracked in guilt remembering the nights when they used to wail in Jin's lap, complaining about the hardships of cursed life. But every time Jin shared the same sofa with his own demons, they all closed the door, reassured before sleep. Only now Taehyung understood how strong, how so much stronger than him, Jin had to be. He let his hands fall down revealing his selfish self for monsters to come and feed on him."I am sorry, hyung, I didn't know,' Taehyung bowed his head, 'I am sorry,' he repeated, to cry the frustration out, 'I am such a horrible person, always thinking only about myself," he hit his forehand with his fist so hard he felt the bone crack when the air bubble between the joints popped."Taehyung-ah,' Jin got out panickily trying to stop him, but to no avail, he could only watch how a hard fist came to contact with the front of Taehyung's scalp 'Taehyung stop!" shouted Jin desperately and finally managed to get a hold of both of Taehyung's wrist preventing him from any other self committed harm.Taehyung could only stare at his thin wrists and feel the coldness of Jin's fingers around them. His knuckles were red from the impact, the throbbing, as always, addicting."What are you doing?' whispered Jin alarmingly, the voice at the back of his throat high from worry, he tightened his hold, 'why would you call yourself like that? Taehyung-ah, you are one of the most kindest people I know,""No hyung, you don't know what I did," Taehyung made up his mind, he had to make Jin really see him. He was keen on showing him his true twisted self gleaming in all the disgusting colours his actions had painted him in. He only needed water he could splash in Jin's eyes or over himself until the filter didn't pour around his feet leaving him bare. Taehyung wondered what his real self looked like skinned to the meat and bones, down to the ashes and beating core. Would his eyes ache or his gut turn from the burning ugliness if he looked at his reflection in the mirror?"You weren't here yesterday, you don't know what I did," Taehyung felt pathetic when all the memories from the moment he hastily put his boots on before he closed the door from his and Jimin's shared hotel room, to the bar screaming in all the colours of the world and to the hot touches of pleasure of man's hand replayed in his mind. His eyes stared into the vacancy and watched them, like a movie playing on his irises."Taehyung, but I do know," Jin's sigh tore the film's tape, the long and thin shiny paper with tattooed remembrances rolled out of the caster. Now, only the familiar New York's room swayed before Taehyung's eyes."What? How?""Let's just tell him," Taehyung forgot Namjoon was also in the room, he got used to burning stares and quiet thoughts of words Namjoon's tongue ached to tell reveal.They both turned their heads, almost in unison. But while Taehyung's eyes pleaded for the answers, Jin's face looked troubled."He's going to hate you," Jin got out in between his teeth, his voice so low Taehyung could only guess the meaning., but the quiet grumble like a laugh escaping Namjoon's mouth made him furrow his eyebrows."It is alright,' Taehyung didn't think he had ever seen Namjoon swaying his hand unworriedly, 'he can't dislike me more than he already does,' he uttered bitterly before, for the first time since today's early morning, he looked Taehyung straight into eyes and voiced out, 'Tae, it is all my fault, it is all because of me."  img src=“https://www.google-analytics.com/collect?v=1&tid=[G-5RFH8TV7PX]

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

July 2015
Namjoon's long finger was furiously pressing the elevator button glowing in light yellow on the wall, while the front part of his sports shoe tapped the shiny vinyl floor impatiently. He wiped the sweat glistening on his forehead with the back of his hand and sniffled when a pungent smell of body odour got to his nose, irritating his sensitive receptors. The rubbery band of his new activity tracking wrist watch felt uncomfortable around his wrist, he felt it vibrating on his skin when the words Break is over showed on the tiny round display and the sudden need to throw the poor device against the wall popped inside his head, it bubbled like hot a temptation in his veins.Namjoon felt dead on his feet, he was sure if tiredness had a smell, he was reeking of it. He was drawing and scratching thin lines of days left until the comeback in his mind while trying to remember ridiculously difficult dance moves which his legs refused to move in and record his words of wisdom in between nice melodies the voices of his bandmates sang, but most of the time he was short of air, the nervousness and uncertainty, if not doubt itself, whether they will make, were making him breathless. Namjoon has been carrying the weight of the fears and failures of his six brothers on his shoulders, presenting them under the light of professionalism and pushing the ugly human side back into the shadow. He sometimes hated being a leader, he might have in fact despised it. He liked to be responsible, to do things in order and to keep his place in a logical mess, but he could only purse his lips, while arguing inside, when he was ordered to teach his ways to others. Namjoon valued uniqueness, he liked to ponder about the individual approach of each person, he loved to watch, to be a quiet observer blending with the background.The indicator lamp above the elevator door lightened up shortly before the heavy thick door opened, showing the suffocatingly small cabin without a single mirror. Namjoon's eyes snapped up out of the habit, he blinked when the red light of the camera in the corner flickered. He wondered when his expression changed from shy to salty to just unbothered from being recorded almost every second of his adult life. He stepped inside and pressed the number one, he smiled when a familiar beep reached his ears. His stomach dropped with the swishing movement of the elevator cabin falling down on its metallic ropes, the speed could reach up to sixty-five kilometres per hour, he read somewhere. He also read what would happen to his body if one string of strong ropes snapped and the four-walled crib made of steel dropped down in an uncontrollable fall.He noticed the digits of time changing with the number of floors on the screen placed wisely above his head. He wondered if Taehyung was still waiting for him in his studio, he knew the boy rushed from the canteen only after a few bites of his lunch, as Jungkook didn't forget to mention when he saw him exiting the dance studio. It wasn't the first time he found himself confused over the irritating look in Jungkook's eyes and the accusing tone of his words. He wasn't a stranger to it, he did notice the protective hand maknae tended to wrap over his youngest hyung, but Namjoon has never voiced it out, after all, everyone had a soft spot for Taehyung, but maybe the sharp eyes of the observer in him witness something he was too scared to see yet.As soon as the elevator door opened and the long corridor lined with white walls showed up, he started to run again, his arms bent at an acute angle swished beside his body, but Namjoon was famous for his clumsiness. As much as he has tried to appear decent, he believed there were invisible threats tied around his limbs and whoever played with the crossed wooden bars above his puppet body, liked to challenge him or maybe just enjoyed watching him suffer. Namjoon knew he should have tied his shoelaces tighter or maybe given up on shoes that offered them.
He felt the tug, the familiar force his right foot halted at as the fabric tongue loosened up, the black thick string rolled under the soles of his feet. Namjoon thanked his quick reflexes that had sent the demand through the cords of his nerves, he didn't know if the message sounded PROTECT or SHIT, but his hands were fast to outstretch shortly before he could have landed on his face."Fuck," he swore loudly, the sound jumped from the closing walls when he noticed the tear going from the bottom of his shoe to the top, he could feel the cold air of buzzing air-conditioning flowing through the long hole. Namjoon moved his toes, he lifted them up and down and watched as weak threats holding the fabric together ripped and snapped. He certainly didn't mean to break his only pair of sports shoes today. He kicked the useless pair off his feet.He raised his head upon hearing a distant but still loud noise of clatter. The door with a soundproof panel installed only a few long steps from where he was lying on the floor was ajar and Namjoon sprung on his legs, he grabbed his torn shoes, and in a state of panic and a wild imagination, he sprinted towards his studio from where all the disturbing sounds were coming from, but all his worries were proved to be wrong once his eyes fell on Taehyung standing in front of his desk, his hands were clutching the backrest of his black spinning chair and deep red blush decorated his cheeks. He was looking at Namjoon's feet covered in dirty socks. Namjoon furrowed his eyebrows when he felt feline eyes raising up his body and cleared his throat when he heard a shudder escaping Taehyung's slightly opened mouth."Taehyung-ah?" he asked, noticing the expression of guilt and embarrassment swaying on the boy's features. But everything from the workstation pushed against the farthest wall, happily flickering in green and red lights, to camera setups placed hastily around the room looked to be in place.Their eyes met for a short moment, only Taehyung was quick to avoid his stare again. He reminded a deer caught in the headlights with how his body shivered and his lips trembled in unspoken excuses for why he appeared so tensed and edgy. His body language gave him away when his head on his long neck jerked towards Namjoon's desk subconsciously and Namjoon only now became aware of blue light shining from behind Taehyung's back, illuminating his figure, but before Namjoon could figure out what the gleaming and buzzing object Taehyung has been shielding was, he heard him choke out:"Hyung, I-I' his voice sounded strangled and hoarse as if all saliva dried up in his mouth, 'sorry," a loud gulp accompanied the word of excuse before he pushed against the tight space between Namjoon's body and the end of the curved desk. He ran out of the opened door, the tapping against the floor of his running feet was audible for a long time.When Namjoon turned back to his work desk and pushed the plain spinning chair on its wheels away, his hand flew to his mouth. It was the computer screen shining blue in the dimmed room, he immediately recognised the folder stretched on the half of the display with videos he had secretly downloaded from the adult websites. He blushed and groaned, remembering what he was doing last night when Yoongi exited his studio after sharing and discussing the newest track he has been working on.Namjoon wouldn't be surprised if he forgot to close the windows and turn off his computer with how tired, but satisfied, he felt when he pulled his pants back up.Did Taehyung watch them? Namjoon guessed the red cheeks and sweaty face of his dongseang, the same as the title of one of the videos highlighted in grey, with the cursor of his computer mouse in the top right corner where a cross in the red square usually appears, were enough of the answer.***Namjoon shouldn't be surprised to find the youngest of his brothers sleeping in the bottom of their shared bunk bed, with Taehyung's head on his naked chest placed above his heart, while the clear drool, slowly drying white, from the older boy's lips has been wetting his bare skin. His hair was messy from the pillow fight he puts on every night and his eyelids were moving rapidly under the attack of morning sunshine rays streaming inside in between the curtains. Jungkook's fingers were drawing imaginative pictures on Taehyung's with a blanket covered back and his lips quivered in the quiet melody of the song he was humming under his nose.Namjoon dropped Taehyung's backpack and jacket which Taehyung had forgotten in the studio after he left in a rush of embarrassment last afternoon, that were swaying in his hands, when he realised Jungkook was awake. It dropped on the carpet with a muffled but loud enough to wake the maknae from his morning nap, thud. His eyes snapped open, the shock mixed with fear, he was looking at the wooden planks supporting the mattress only a few centimetres above his head as if searching for his answers there, then he lifted his head in what looked to be a painful effort and noticed Namjoon standing awkwardly at the end of their bed with raised eyebrows."Hyung,' Jungkook tried to voice out, but his vocal cords must have been still tinted with the heavy cotton of sleep, so he coughed to clear the hoarseness only to freeze when a low grunt of discomfort was heard. They both watched, not daring to breathe, how Taehyung stirred in Jungkook's arms until familiar huffs of regular snores didn't ease the tension. Namjoon brought his index finger to his mouth, the tip touched his nose and he hissed."What?" Jungkook's lips formed an O-shape and he raised his chin a bit, emphasizing the question that died in his throat. Namjoon shook his head and, with his palms open, he pointed towards the things lying by the bed's leg which he brought from his studio. He was ready to leave again, but a hand Jungkook suddenly raised stopped him midway on his turn.Namjoon waited until Jungkook untangled heavy loose limbs squeezing his body, but before his bare toes could touch the floor, he stretched his arm and while supporting himself on his elbow carefully placed close to Taehyung's legs, he grabbed the second blanket hanging from the footboard and gently put it over sleeping body of his hyung, he didn't forget to smoothen the wrinkles the soft fabric crumpled into."Is it Taehyungie hyung's?" Jungkook bent down, he squinted at the backpack Taehyung used to fill with textbooks, now, because he could hardly afford to buy something pricey, he exchanged them for gym clothes and shoes, Jungkook recognised the bag very well, he was familiar with its worn-out shades of black and with the zipper where the fabric liked to stick in."Mhm,' nodded Namjoon cautiously and watched as Jungkook picked up the jacket, he folded it in half, stretching the sleeves and putting it inside the black bag, 'he left it-""Why do you have Taehyungie hyung's bag?" Namjoon couldn't even pretend Jungkook's tone was curious, it swam on waves of dabbing accusation without the need for words of blame to be stated.Namjoon crossed his arms on his chest, the muscles on his face hardened in what others understand as an intimate look with a problem coming their way."Jungkook-ah?" his voice dropped, but his eyebrows raised. He overcame the urge to lift a finger his mum used to threaten him with when he was a child and used to think if he spoke without a shake of fear and submission in his voice, people would not mind the disrespect he had been treating them with. Namjoon wished Jin would have been staying by his side and slapped Jungkook's head for daring to use his sharp tongue, instead of him. Truth be told, Namjoon felt awkward and uneasy when he was in charge of disciplining his younger brothers.But either Jungkook was manipulative in his selfish persona, or his humbleness was dormant, still drowsy from sleep until now, when he all of a sudden bowed his head and with a voice no louder than whisper he peeped: "I mean, Taehyungie hyung cares about his things too much to leave them,' he gestured with his hands to help him find the correct words, 'somewhere," he sounded apologetic and Namjoon could have pretended he did not know Jungkook meant you, to leave them with you instead of somewhere. Besides, now he had other problems to worry about."I think he was just in a hurry,' he scratched his head and looked around the room, avoiding the younger's big eyes, 'maybe he was perturbed?" a big word pushed on Namjoon's tongue. He hated how the nervousness betrayed him and revealed what he has been secretly worried about."Did you fight?" Jungkook's eyes grew even bigger when he understood, he opened his mouth, showing pearl-white front teeth between his lips. And although Namjoon raised his hands, shaking them dismissingly in disagreement, Jungkook didn't stop to think aloud: "I only thought he's being weird, not upset, he didn't look upset to me last night, hyung,' he pouted and squinted his eyes, "what did you fight about?""Weird?' Namjoon's in an anxiety and humiliation drowning mind could register only one word, 'Was he acting strange last night?" the truth was, Namjoon had not seen Taehyung since the accident in his studio happened. The text he sent him to reschedule the recording session stayed unanswered the last time he checked his phone, and when he got to afternoon dance practice, he learned Taehyung left long ago. But with everything that had happened, Namjoon didn't consider Taehyung could have been avoiding him. Was he being weird, as Jungkook said, because of him, because of the video he saw on his computer? Namjoon was aware of what type of videos he downloaded, he knew, thanks to Jin, who had sighed hard and rolled his eyes when he saw them, people might not understand where Namjoon's attraction was coming from. Namjoon himself wasn't sure why his body spasmed in wonderful shivers of white blinding pleasure when he imagined a slender dominating hand slapping him. It was sexy. Namjoon liked to use the word sexy, for lack of imagination or for the need to be simple and straightforward for once. He was horny and always ready for contrast, even outside the bedroom.
Maybe Jin's confidence in whom he was started to rub on him, but he didn't feel a need to hide or mask this part of himself, at least not until now after he found out Taehyung felt distressed the whole day, possibly, because of the video."That's what I said, hyung," Jungkook clicked his tongue impatiently, 'he did hit his head tough, however, he has been weird,' Namjoon sighed over moving in the same circle of repetitive words, 'for a long time now, I think ever since-," Jungkook cut himself short, it was obvious he only now realised he was speaking aloud, or at least loud enough for Namjoon to hear him.We-odd for a while? Odd in a bad freakish way? Hit his head? Namjoon felt alarmed."Can you speak to him?' Jungkook's eyes watched as he stared into the space, but maybe he didn't notice Namjoon was busy wondering, 'Please?""Speak?" Namjoon would like to speak to Taehyung, apologise if needed, maybe sit the younger one down on his spinning chair and explain to him how the adult world worked. But Taehyung has no longer been a child, there was only a year difference between them, he should know, nevertheless the pure soul everyone saw him as, it reaches behind one's comfort zone. Namjoon strongly believed purity and innocence were two different things."I want to know if hyung is alright," Jungkook looked at his feet, appearing shy."Jungkook-ah' Namjoon cleared his throat and smiled, his hand reached out to pat the boy's naked shoulder, 'why don't you speak to him yourself?" he asked instead, mistaking the way Jungkook's fingers played with the fabric of his sleeping pants for timidness. So he was quick to tilt his head in confusion because he was positive he heard Jungkook scoff and his features broke into an unrecognisable expression of annoyance which Namjoon couldn't match to the look of adoration Jungkook usually stared at Taehyung with."He wouldn't listen," Jungkook mumbled inaudibly causing the corners of Namjoon's mouth to lift and his dimples to show, he thought he recognised the self-doubt Jungkook hid his worries behind."That's not true, Taehyung always listens t-""He listens to you because you are older," Jungkook exclaimed, the frustration clear in the way he spoke. He took one big breath in, stretching his lungs, probably ready to continue, but a pillow that hit him in the side stopped him before his tongue could roll into words. It flew through the air with a swishing force and dropped directly on Taehyung's bag. They stared at it in silence."Can't you talk somewhere else?' the whine similar to Jimin's voice made them turn their heads. Namjoon saw him rolling his eyes before he pulled the blankets over his head, 'it's enough I have to listen to,' a naked arm poked out from under the fabric and a single finger pointed somewhere in the room, most likely aiming for Taehyung's and Jungkook's bed, 'them talking every night," Jimin turned around, the bed sheets shuffling under him. It was easy to imagine the pout adoring his lips with quiet huffs coming from under the blanket and reaching their ears."Sorry, hyung," the heavy sigh finally left Jungkook's mouth, his head jerked in a small bow even though Jimin couldn't see him and then he looked at Namjoon for the last time with an evident plead swimming on his orbs.Namjoon seriously needed a coffee. ***
August 2015
The plastic lunchbox Namjoon was holding dropped from his hands as soon as he heard the slam of their front door followed by hurried steps. The shadow, or more like a smudge of colours blending into a figure in its fast movement passed the crowded kitchen where he was standing by the dining table, messy with various pots filled with leftover food he found in their fridge.He startled and jumped on his feet when another thundering slam cut the calm night spreading in their tiny apartment. He walked towards the arch of the kitchen entrance just as Jimin ran past him, still in his outside shoes, wearing his jacket and beyond a doubt smelling from alcohol. Namjoon scrunched his nose in disgust when the sickly smell of something bitter and nauseous hit his senses.He stood by the corner, leaning against the cold metal which was soothing the continuous and stabbing pain in his head and helping the hisses of whistles inside his ears to calm down.At the end of the short hallway, he could see Jimin stopped in front of the closed bathroom door, he was breathing heavily, but Namjoon couldn't tell if from the short run or from the tears streaming down his cheeks and cries his body erupted into, probably from both. Jimin's fist collided with the hard surface of the bathroom door, which shook and vibrated under the force. The powerful hitting and smacking jumped from the walls and reached Namjoon's ears making him groan and cover them."Jimin-ah!" he heard himself groan, the room, the whole world was still spinning. Namjoon felt drunk, intoxicated on the painkillers he swallowed not even an hour ago to help him fall asleep and preferably stay dead to the surrounding world until seven in the morning. He was exhausted, more mentally, from never-ending quarrels and hairs pulling between the same-aged friends.Namjoon usually praised himself for his most of the time correct deductions, but maybe the chemicals inside the small rounded capsule made his brain drowsy and fogged his conception. He didn't even know they were outside, not sleeping in their beds."Tae-ya!" yelled Jimin in between the sobs while fighting with the door handle, twisting and pushing it down, but Taehyung had likely turned the lock. There was no light coming through the small gap under the door, but Namjoon was sure Taehyung was on the other side because the next thing he heard through the banging of Jimin's small hands balled in round fists and his continuous cries of pleads, were the unmistakable sounds of dry coughs, gagging and dry-heaving before the well-known sounds of wet retching made the blood inside his veins freeze. Namjoon felt shivers run down his back when droplets of cold sweat poured down his forehead. He took three long steps on the muddy floor towards sobbing and panicking Jimin and put his hand on his shoulder."What happened?" asked Namjoon breathlessly, the air stuck, bobbing at the end of his throat. Jimin didn't jump, but he didn't even sway his fingers away, Namjoon wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't noticed his fingers boring through his jacket.The squelching noises of vomit hitting the base of the porcelain toilet continued to mingle with gargling and coughing while thudding against the door. They were loud enough to wake up any light sleeper."Tae, open the door!" Jimin smashed his head against the wooden surface. His body relaxed under Namjoon's hand and when he took a step back a pinkish patch started to form on his forehead surrounded by wet strands of bright orange hair stuck to his skin. When their eyes met, Namjoon took a notice how puffy and bloodshot they were as if Jimin has been crying for a while, there were also white-red marks from nails coming from the top of his cheeks to the bottom of his chin as if he had pulled his fingers down his face from frustration.Namjoon grabbed the boy by both of his slender shoulders and turned him around. Jimin hissed when his body touched the door with force because of Namjoon's impulsiveness. But Namjoon knew he was doing the right thing, Jimin could be stubborn and pretty much nontalkative when emotions racked him.Namjoon repeated his question, swallowing down like a fire burning annoyance, he tried to keep his voice soft and gentle: "What happened?"Jimin's lips quivered, other wet tears feared to fall, before he said shakily: "I don't know,' his body slumped in Namjoon's arms and Namjoon had to put his leg forward to carry his weight, 'when we-I got back Tae wasn't there anymore.""Wasn't where?" Namjoon hurried him up while a bad feeling slowly but not so quietly moved closer towards him, he had to gulp down the dread sinking its dirty claws into the walls of his throat. The scratches have already started to bleed and burn with infection, it was hard not to spill the words he would regret later on."You know...,' Jimin lowered his head, his chin almost touching his chest and while biting his bottom lip anxiously he mumbled, "the club," he said the last word so low it was hard to make anything out, but Namjoon knew the answer before Jimin's mouth could have the chance to open and his lips to touch.The silence that has spread out in the narrow hallway of their apartment felt deafening. Jimin gave up on tears, he looked like he was trying to pay attention to his shaky inhales and exhales instead while piercing holes into the muddy from his shoes floor.The flush of the toilet and muted thump from behind the closed bathroom door reminded the pin stabbing the elastic but weak rubber of a balloon, it made both of them cut the silence with their voices."I am sorry.""How could you?"They spoke at the same time.Jimin's eyes snapped up. "I am sorry, hyung," he repeated, hardly masking the panic in his tone."Why would you take him there,' hissed Namjoon, he cut the layer of tactful and sensitive pretending."You know?" moaned Jimin, sounding horrified."That's not important right now, Jimin-ah," Namjoon snapped his fingers impatiently."Does everyone just pretend they don't kn-""I said," Namjoon sighed, the exhaustion seeping through every cell of his body, 'I don't care what you do as long as you are safe and it doesn't reach the media, but," he shook Jimin by his shoulders to make a point, 'persuading someone to go is not a right,' a whole second of silence stretched between them before Namjoon collected his thoughts, ' it's not a right thing, Jimin-ah."Namjoon has always been like this, explanative. He carefully used lengthy sentences in the belief he would be able to open one's eyes and see the right standing in front of them. Despite everything, despite open-mindedness and curiosity, he believed in the existence of good and bad."Tae wanted to go,' hiccupped Jimin and wiped the snot under his nose with his jacket's sleeve, 'he wanted to go, I didn't persuade anyone,' he hissed the words out with venom masked as hurt, 'he asked me to go and I agreed,' Namjoon had to jump back to avoid poisonous drops of Jimin's saliva from burning his skin, 'he's an adult, he's allowed to make bad decisions.""But look at him now,' Namjoon's fist knocked against the door, 'look at yourself, you are both crying and-""I don't regret anything if that's what you mean,' a finger dabbed in Namjoon's broad chest, he felt the sharpness of the nail even through the clothes, 'I am only trying to be there for him, face the consequences by his side, that's what friends do,' the corners of Jimin's mouth pulled into a straight line, but a fume flew out his nostrils, 'I regret nothing as long as he doesn't regret it, so stop,' Jimin's dirty shoes stomped after every word, 'stop telling us we can and cannot... DO,' he exclaimed the last word, 'we are allowed, we are allowed to live this life, it's messy enough without Bang PD-nim trying to control us, why don't you live yourself?"***
October 2015
Namjoon followed the faint sound of a song. It led him through the otherwise silent corridors of their company building, while he pressed on the number with Jimin's name written above it with his thumb every time the call disconnected.After Taehyung excused himself from their practice room all of a sudden with a flushed face while nervously stretching the fabric of his T-shirt down to his knees -Namjoon thought the heat stroke from mindless dancing for hours straight in a room without windows had hit him- Jimin stood up not even ten minutes later, he grabbed Jungkook's empty plastic bottle, shaking it meaningfully in the air and left without saying a word.Now, after another ten minutes had passed, Namjoon understood it must have been just a cover. Jungkook, whose sneakers were squeaking on the yellow rough rubber and leaving black scuffs from his shoe soles while his body moved in sinful moves, asked after Taehyung first, he even pulled out his phone only to pout when repetitious tones of ringtone came from the familiar black backpack blending in shadows of one of the corners.Namjoon's feet stopped in front of the blue door opposite Yoongi's studio, with a black stickman figure in a white oval, representing a male. He was sure the tones of Jimin's ringtone were coming right from behind this public bathroom's door. He was even able to recognise the voice and words Jimin's favourite singer was singing.He wetted his lips and hovered his fist above the door before his knuckles touched the cold flat surface."Jimin-ah,' he called, cutting the smooth flow of the music 'are you in there?" he knocked again, but this time the door opened under the slightest impact showing the tiled wet room. He scrunched his nose when a pungent, instead of antiseptic, smell hit him. He had to put a hand over his mouth to prevent a gag threatening to force the contents out of his stomach."You were long for so long,' he pushed out in between his teeth, his lips barely moved, which made the words of his speech hard to understand, 'I called you, why didn't you- what the hell!?" Namjoon's eyes were finally able to focus through the strong dazzling light on the two against the wall slumped figures lying over each other."What?" he blinked and shook his head as if hoping the image would disappear. He couldn't help the scream scratching up his throat, swaying between panic and shock. He let the door behind him close shut and didn't pay attention to the slam resonating through the room when they hit the doorframe.Jimin, whose naked chest, glistening from the thick layer of sweat, moved up and down in regular breaths, raised his eyes. His eyelids looked swollen and red with still wet eyelashes falling and sticking to his flushed skin. Dried tracks of tears made his cheeks look dull and gleamless, and when the corners of his lips moved downwards to the gloomy grimace the muscles under his skin around them almost didn't budge. He looked like a statue a skilful hand of an artist carved into the stone. Marvellous in its sensational solid curves shaped perfectly to resemble human emotions, but still motionless, static and without life; feeling on the surface, but hiding emptiness and hollowness inside if a metal chisel split the stone. The gaze in his eyes looked somehow heavy, almost as if he wasn't looking at anything, despite Namjoon's tall figure hovering above him and shielding the light.Namjoon noticed a movement and looked at the thin pale arm with fair and short hair erected, moving in the air while the fingers of the hand attached to the wrist played with the dark brown nearly black and matted greasy hair of the boy leaning his head on Jimin's bony shoulder.Taehyung's eyes were closed while throaty snores escaped through his half-open mouth. While Jimin's skin was tinted pink, Taehyung looked pale, not far from a ghost. His skin appeared thin and transilluminate with blue and purple trees of veins throbbing under it. There was blood oozing from his torn bottom lip, it stained his chin and left smears on Jimin's bare shoulder. His arms were wrapped around Jimin's waist, and Namjoon wasn't sure if so tight they pushed the muscles and fat back so only sharp ribs and dip of his stomach were visible, or if Jimin's body naturally resembled a skeleton."Are you two alright?" Namjoon asked, feeling how his tongue swelled inside his mouth, struggling to find the words in the current state of hysteria. He kneeled down and the disgusting wet mess of water flowing from the sinks and toilets mixed with hair and mud their soles left, soaked through the fabric of his sweatpants, leaving brownish patches on his knees. His hand shook in the air a centimetre above Taehyung's head, he could feel the heat his body was emitting, but he feared to touch him. The invisible force of awaking fingers of realization wrapped around his wrist and was pulling it away."Are you going to yell at me again?" Jimin's voice sounded as dead as he looked, despite the words inkling the fear.To say Namjoon wasn't expecting this question would be an understatement. But something in the way Jimin said it, hinted to Namjoon he probably didn't mean the unexpected outburst of emotions he got out through screaming a few seconds ago."Jimin-ah,' he let his still in the air hovering hand fall down, 'I have never intended to yell at you,' he pushed it up Jimin's leg, resting his fingers over his calf, hoping the action appeared more soothing than intimidating, 'I am sorry for what I said that day, you were right,' he took a moment to collect his thoughts, 'I was stuck in perfection and past."He inhaled through his nose, letting himself feel the cold humid air teasing his airways before expanding his lungs, but Jimin remained silent. He exhaled through his mouth."You know,' he started again, playing with his favourite catchy phrase, 'as a leader, I promised Taehyung's father to take care of his son. When I first met them,' Namjoon's eyes got lost for a minute in the waves of reminiscence, 'it was hard to see Taehyung behind that gigantic coa-jacket he was wearing. And although he's no longer that small kid with big curious eyes, it felt as if I disappointed not only Abeonim but Taehyung himself,' Namjoon couldn't help the sudden short nods his head moved in, 'But you were right, Jimin-ah, we indeed grew up.""It doesn't matter now, does it?" mumbled Jimin with one breath. He hurried the words out, sounding almost annoyed, while his eyes were stuck on Namjoon's fingers, they followed the digits' every movement, up the muscle, around the tendon under the knee and back down to the ankle. Jimin's skin felt icy cold, his leg shook despite the whole area of his foot carrying its weight."What do you mean?" Namjoon's mouth opened in question, he felt his eyebrows rising above his confused squinting eyes.He had might regretted whatever his mouth spoke that night as soon as he voiced out his thoughts, or maybe the arrow dripping with Jimin's poisonous but truthful words stuck in his body, focusing and aiming for his heart right from the beginning. He felt guilty in his ego, embarrassed in his stubbornness and he shuddered every time an apology pushed itself out of his mouth. But now, he found himself standing back on square one with insecurities and doubts.He noticed Jimin lifting his shoulders high, they nearly touched his ears, and Taehyung's head which had been resting in the juncture of his neck slid down. The unexpected movement must have brought some awareness to Taehyung's sleeping mind because his limbs jerked and he cuddled against Jimin's stomach, bringing his legs to his chest. He continued sailing on the fog of his dreams while hugging his knees."Jimin-ah,' Namjoon realised his alertness was put dormant after the abrupt comment with which Jimin had welcomed him in, it confused it, 'is Taehyung alright?' but now, it became harder to ignore the indicator lights shining in an angry red, the longer he looked at the state the\ sleeping male was in, 'He looks sick.""Yes, no,' came Jimin's answer without a place for hesitation, only the first emotions broke free shortly after. He sighed in frustration and bent his head backwards, "I don't know," his head banged on the cubicle he was leaning on and a single tear slid down his cheek, cracking the stone."He will be?" Namjoon tried to offer wisely.He saw Jimin freeze midbreath before his head pushed straight again, he eyed Namjoon with an unreadable gaze, but then the right corner of his mouth twitched upwards and a laugh, sounding actually more like a scoff, forced out of his throat and merely visible drops of saliva flew from his lips:"He will be," agreed Jimin with a sad smile, 'You always know what to say, hyung," he continued to scoff unbelievingly.Namjoon's muscles softened, his cheeks pulled down and the inner part of his eyebrows raised up while the faint lines on his wide forehead folded into empathy:"No, Jimin, I don't, believe me, I am searching for the right words most of the time," he found the courage to unravel the truth.Pulling down, if not snatching away, the mask of the burden his own self, imprisoned by a sharp mind, represented was a liberating feeling. Namjoon often found himself fetching the normalcy others hated to define themselves with. Once he showed his arms through the coat holes averageness wears, he was able to blend into the mediocrity people lived in. He hated to be seen as the clever one, when he himself didn't know the origin of his thoughts."Are you searching for them even right now?" Jimin's voice reminded him more of the snap of fingers, a flash of white movement in front of his eyes. He blinked."What?""You are looking at me weirdly," explained Jimin with the colour of hesitancy in his voice.Namjoon blinked again, only now realising the heavy stare he was boring into Jimin's body, but his own images were forming inside his brain, as if someone cut the nerves spiralling from the retina, and causing his blindness."I only wonder why these days, when I see Taehyung with you,' he squinted through the recognition of signals and whispers to make out the shapes and words, 'he's crying," and covered in remains of food his stomach didn't have time to digest, in vomit that emitted that pungent smell still present in the air, the vomit that must have been the case for Jimin's nudeness and his T-shirt to hang on the sink under the mirror where fog from their breaths made shapes around the wrinkly marks from people's hands."Because I am the only one whom he has right now," Jimin's answer was simple, even the look he spared his best friend was simply full of love, yet it was hiding the meaning running deeper into its dawn."What do you mean?" Namjoon wasn't fast enough to swallow the red-hot curiosity, it flew from his mouth like a lump of burning coal jumping with sparkles from the flameless ember. Everything burning was hard to hold."I can't tell you, hyung."Namjoon did expect that, after all, Jimin had already avoided all of the questions Namjoon had thrown his way, wrapped in indirectness.Namjoon didn't like to push, to beat out the truth, but he remembered he still was a leader. He considered himself bipolar."Jimin-ah, don't get me wrong,' his hand resting on Jimin's calf started to move again, but this time to soothe his own nerves, 'I understand that it probably is something personal that Taehyung wouldn't like to share with anyone but you,' Namjoon knew how to play with the correctly coloured words -he hated how his mind spitted the expression to manipulate, 'but if affects us, our group, I think you should tell me. We can't make this work if we are keeping secrets from each other.""So, does it, Jimin-ah? Because we can't afford to break," he wasn't going to stop once he started, not if he believed the demanding was a correct approach to do. They couldn't afford to be selfish, Namjoon recollected he had heard Taehyung himself say these exact words. Namjoon was too afraid to fail.There were days when Namjoon believed in the trust they have built among each other. They promised to sit in the circle every time when a crack disturbed the harmony of their relationships and deal with it as a team in order not to run and snitch."You want me to break his trust,' cried out Jimin, as if he was able to read Namjoon's thoughts, but hearing them from the other side of the cliff of meaning."I don't think he even intended to tell me,' Jimin mumbled after the thunderbolts in his eyes calmed down, 'it was by mistake. I cornered him,' he sighed heavily, 'I don't want him to do anything else he himself doesn't want to. He should have a right to have secrets," Namjoon was once again reminded what an angel with a clear, clearer than Namjoon, vision of right and bad Jimin has been.Namjoon's shoulders slumped down, he retrieved his lonely hand from the icy cold quivering body, his fingers slipped on the filthy floor instead."Did he mention me?" maybe he had one last question to ask before the anxiety ate him whole, it has already started to pick on the nerve-endings on his fingers and toes, making him especially jumpy."What?" Jimin seemed to be taken aback."Jimin-ah, would you tell me if he was mad at me?" only after Jimin shied away, Namjoon realised how his body leant forward, bending at the waist, his body language screamed not only curiosity but also impatience."Sorry, hyung, I don't think I understand," Jimin's head shook, his hands lifted and fingers straightened up, showing both of his palms. Namjoon recognised the gesture of surrender."Why would he be mad at you?' Namjoon wasn't sure if Jimin just wondered aloud, unable to keep his thoughts to himself, or if he wanted Namjoon to hear, 'I didn't mention to him our fight from that night and I don't think he heard us either," he raised his voice this time and pronounced each syllable of every word slowly and cautiouslyA strange belief, but definitely not new crossed Namjoon's mind: "Does it, the way he is,' he pointed at Taehyung with his chin, jerking his head backwards, 'have anything to do with that night?"Jimin's back straightened and Namjoon knew if it were not for Taehyung's weight pulling him down, he would place his hands on his hips in anger, "Why can't you let it go? He didn't go with me and Hobi hyung next time!" Jimin exclaimed furiously.Of course, Namjoon was aware of that, after all, he has been watching Taehyung like a hawk ever since the accident that had happened inside his studio. Part of him was anxious under what light Taehyung sees him, the other part was afraid of Jungkook's quiet anger and crankiness."And you don't have to worry, I don't think he would ever again, to be honest," Jimin laughed, his voice sounding unnaturally high, but Namjoon failed to see the joke."Jimin, I only think he went because of what he saw."They both were definitely familiar enough with the brisk cut through the air that frost everything moving, only Taehyung's breathy snores through his parted chapped lips kept the time running. As Namjoon has been looking at him, he thought about how he can still be asleep, if the voices resonating inside his ears were distant enough to smoothly find their way into the plot of his dreams."What he saw? What did he see where? You' Jimin's lips moved into unheard sentences only the last word was spoken aloud, 'You are not- What are you talking about?" Jimin looked as if he didn't know what to do with his limbs when his leg twitched, looking ready to kick into nothingness, or maybe he only lost control over their jerky movements."Taehyung saw,' Namjoon's arm shoot up to scratch the back of his head, 'the videos on my computer,' he continued to untangle the knots he could feel under his fingers, 'or so I think.""The videos Jin hyung is always teasing you about?" Jimin's previously raised brows moved down, the muscles joined them in the middle and formed a perfect V. It wasn't hard to imagine the chaos of black curved lines levitating above Jimin's head, tangled into confusion."Yeah, those," Namjoon nodded warily, holding his head in a mid-bow, looking at Jimin through the bottom of his upper eyelashes."So what about them?" Jimin's head tilted, the same as dogs do when thinking hard, and it probably wasn't the right time to ponder about the similarities in behaviours of these two kinds."They are adult videos, Jimin, for adults, you know se-,""You have porn on your computer?!" Jimin shouted but was quick to slap a palm over his big mouth, never the one to beat around the bush."Hm..., yeah?" although Namjoon could feel hot blood inside thin vessels behind the skin of his cheeks burning and erupting, he suppressed the urge to hide his face behind the collar of his T-shirt."But that doesn't, you are,' Jimin stumbled over his words, cutting the syllables short, 'wait!' Namjoon first didn't realise his own throat constricted when the muscles pulled its walls close, because he saw Jimin's Adam's apple bobbing, 'Are they man fucking woman type of videos?""Jimin, what the hell?!" it was his time to whisper-shout. He looked around the bathroom, watching with the side of his eyes blurry movement in the mirror before he gulped down the embarrassment."No, they are not," it felt as if giant strong hands grabbed the crown of his head and pushed it down. Namjoon's chin just touched his chin only for his eyes to revert back up after when Jimin's next words reached his ears:"Are you gay?!" he sounded breathless."What? No, when did I- ah, I meant the roles are exchanged, it still counts as straight porn. Why would you ask such a bizarre question, do I look like a gay to you?""Jimin-ah?""Oh," the corners of Namjoon's corners pulled down when the realization hit him, it nearly pushed out all the air inside his lungs, and he wasn't prepared for it, 'you didn't ask because you thought I, but...""Shit! I am so stupid!" Jimin's chubby fingers bored into his hair and grabbed the messy looking strands, pulling hard and shaking his head while fresh tears formed inside his eyes canals and fell along mouth opened in disbelief. Only it was Namjoon who fought with this emotion."Jimin,' Namjoon was afraid Jimin wouldn't be able to hear him through the weird piercing ringing that has spread around, 'is Taehyung gay?"..."Shit," Namjoon breathed out."I think you should leave, hyung," when Jimin's eyes found Namjoon's, they were full of furry and determination. But after Namjoon didn't move, simply because he couldn't make a single muscle jolt, despite the orders his mind was currently screaming at him, Jimin didn't protest, he didn't grab his loose collar, pulling it over his chin and forcing him to stand up. He continued to sit there with Taehyung cuddled over his waist.The repetitious silence they grew used to relying upon, had probably lasted only for a few seconds, a minute at most, but after Jimin finally found his voice, it felt like an eternity."He told me he felt lonely," he muttered."Huh?"Jimin cleared his throat, but the mucus running down and irritating the back of his throat made him still sound hoarse: "When I came home after a few drinks with Hobi hyung, like a month ago, he noticed a hickey on my neck,' he sniffled, fighting the hiccups, 'He told me he wanted to go with us next time because,' his shoulders moved and his upper body jumped under the force of air forcing out his mouth, 'because he was lonely," he managed to finish, before hiccupping again."But that was a lie.." Namjoon thought."I should have known.""Jimin-ah, how could you?' Namjoon shook his head furiously, causing the objects before his eyes to blend into smudges, 'I would also believe him. We all feel lonely, caged in this real-""Because he's not like me, damnit!" Jimin's powerful yell cut his speech short and Namjoon didn't know if it was his own heart his could hear inside his ears thumping so loud."Like you?""Do you know what I had done when things started to get hard? When I couldn't stand this repetition that leads nowhere?" Jimin asked him, but he certainly didn't want him to answer, he didn't even wait till Namjoon's eyes focused on his face because for how fast he has been shaking his head."You think I am a saint, hyung, but I am not,' a dark ugly laugh was heard bubbling, 'I drank, I drank the whole bottle of something I found at home. I wanted to feel joy, but the alcohol was disgusting, I despised the taste so much, but I think I got drunk too soon, too easily because the bitterness started to get addicting,' Jimin got out on one breath before his voice didn't start to quiver because of lack of oxygen soothing his brain, 'Hobi hyung found me, I remember I cried on his shoulder and begged him for help,' Jimin's eyes started to look more distant by every ticking second, 'He took me to Zephyr, the club, I think it was a stupid idea, but I found a new addiction, I don't even need to drink anymore,' he blinked, probably feeling too lost in heavy memories, 'Sex is good, hyung. Our bodies are so fucking responsive,' his voice jumped an octave higher, getting excited over imagination, 'That's the pleasure I crave, if my mind can't feel, at least physical is enough. But not him,' Jimin cried, he moaned in suffering and let the wet salty tear drop on Taehyung's forehead, they both watched as it cleared its path down, through the layer of dust stuck on his skin because of sweat, 'I wish he had believed me enough to tell me. Can you imagine how desperate you have to be to fuck a woman, to what, to make sure you are gay?"Namjoon didn't notice when he stopped breathing, he only felt the bumping of nerves at the end of his fingers. He also wasn't aware of hot liquid crystals falling down his red face, he only felt something very sad and ugly playing on the strings of his heart."You were right, hyung, we shouldn't be keeping secrets from each other."***"You wanted to see me?" the creak of Namjoon's studio door was accompanied by the sound of a familiar voice reminding Namjoon of his oldest hyung.Jin stuck his head in the tight space between the wall and wood covered in soundproof metal. He didn't look shy and there was nothing cautious or even timid in the way his whole body followed his head only a second after. His step was daring and cheerful. He carried himself with confidence while running his fingers through his hair."Oh,' Namjoon's eyes behind the glasses shot wide open in surprise before the right corner of his mouth raised in a half smile, 'come in," he dropped the paper he was reading in the faint light of the desk lamp. The sheet joined other piles neatly stacked one on top of the other and the mess of rustling empty snack wrappers that have been keeping his head straight on his neck throughout the night."Hoba is starting to get suspicious,' Jin's voice was coming from behind his shoulder while his hand reached for the creaking door's handle and he shut it close, 'I am sure he's only one night before accusing us of doing dirty in here," joked Jin after he turned on his heels, facing Namjoon's spinning chair and the man sitting crossed legs in it."So, don't be surprised if he refuses to pay you a visit," even though Jin's face stayed motionless, the snicker at the back of his throat was hard to miss.Namjoon could feel the muscles surrounding his mouth pulling his lips into a straight line and the studio for a short moment disappeared in a swift flash as he rolled his eyes.It didn't matter how much he doubted Hoseok - anyone apart from Namjoon - would be able to see beyond the thick and dull of colour straight line Jin has drawn in front of himself. Namjoon's heart always jumped when Jin's big mouth without a filter touched, or even slightly teased, the topic he has been afraid to face up. Too many what-ifs pushed his anxious mind to walk on the path covered with needles. Namjoon has always been bad at keeping secrets, his tongue already looked angry red and felt swollen under his teeth from how much he had been biting it.Out of the outer corner of his eye, he watched Jin's knees buckle as he bent down to place his hands on the old wooden chair he kept in the corner behind the door - similar to the ones students couldn't wait to curse about how tingly and itchy they made their bottoms feel. Four of five fingers pushed against the smooth surface of the backrest while the big thumb supported his grip as he dragged the chair on its two legs behind himself, the other two were stuck in the air. Namjoon's teeth ground against each other when the sound of metal drawing against the black tiles reached his ears. He gulped down the words of scolding when he saw the thin white lines the legs of the chair were leaving on their path, filling up the mosaic of the 'artwork' Jin has been working on from how many times he had grabbed the poor chair the same way.Jin dusted off the seat before he sat down. He eyed Namjoon shortly, stopping on his crossed legs, and mirroring him, he put his left leg over the right bent in a knee one."So,' Jin coughed and waved his hand in front of his face to clear up the dust making both of them sneeze, 'what did you want to talk about if not about you and me?" he asked and wiggled his eyebrows.Jin tried to suppress the laughter that threatened to fall from his lips when he saw Namjoon scoff, throw his head backwards and put both palms over his face."Ahuu,' Namjoon got out the sound of frustration, 'I sometimes wonder how Yeonho-""His name is Hyungu," Jin didn't bother to mask the annoyance in his tone, even his mouth opened in a yawn as if to show how predictable Namjoon has become.Namjoon sighed hard. He reached for the thin frame of the glasses resting on his nose and put them on his desk. He has never been able to remember the name of the guy whom Jin has been seeing. He could hardly make up his face, struggling to reach behind the memory of dark curly locks of beard and moustache adorning the man's under nose area and his chin. He didn't spend too much time walking along the memory - he would like to erase it from his mind completely - of one lonely night he spent squeezing on the plastic stool on their balcony with a man wearing Namjoon's own denim shorts and playing with Namjoon's own toothbrush between his lips with bits of white toothpaste dried on the wild curls completing his face. He remembered the five words - letter by letter, syllable by syllable - he pushed out of his throat when he caught the wavy shadow of his oldest hyung hiding behind the glass panel reflecting in the moon's light on their apartment parquets. As much as he adored Jin's bravery, he would rather skip the cringe circle of introduction his hands pushed him into and closed the doors behind him.Namjoon showed his teeth, masking the embarrassment behind the unbothered grimace. "Right, I wonder how he,' he awkwardly slipped the pronoun, afraid of messing up again, 'can bear with you."Jin blinked, appearing confused by Namjoon's speech."I am a very bearable person," he spoke, brushing off the imaginary hair from both of his shoulders while he straightened his back, fixing his posture in a sudden wave of confidence.Namjoon forced out the breath through his nostrils and the dull smell of his favourite shampoo spread in the air when the soft strands of his air danced around his scalp when he shook his head in a disbelief."I can see that," he might look scandalized but there was nothing Jin could surprise him with anymore."Anyway,' Jin's index finger pointed towards the ceiling to make a point, 'Hyungu is just a flirt," he said matter of factly."And a fling," Namjoon was too slow to bite down on his tongue."I am not the one to say no to a good fucking, Namjoon-ah," Jin never cared enough to put a napkin in front of his mouth when he spoke. He usually voiced out every word hopping around his mind, not bothering about how it may sound once it cut the air.Namjoon's breath hitched. He had to bring his hand - fingers wrapped in a fist - to his lips to cover the cough, but he didn't have too much time to recover when Jin continued: "You should try that too,' the sudden smile his face break into cleared all the wrinkles on his forehead, 'you are being too tense these days,' he pointed with his open palms towards Namjoon's on the chair crumpled body as if he was able to see the tension emitting out of his cells, 'I always told you, dating a computer screen is not considered that kinky, more like pathetic."Namjoon wasn't sure how the boiling blood of humiliation didn't yet reach his face to paint his cheeks red, but he could feel the first drops of sweat gathering on his forehead behind his bangs. "You know,' he pressed the back of his hand over the wet skin while he tried to come up with a reasonable answer, 'I am not going to risk ma-" he froze mid-sentence, looking down. A low chuckle with too much air broke free: "Our whole career just to get my dick wet," when his lips wrapped around the meaningful words while putting too much emphasis on them, he caught the swift movement in front of him. He was sure if he raised his head he would be met with one pair of eyes digging holes into his body."Always the responsible Namjoon. Why fuck a pussy when lube costs just three thousand wons?" he watched as Jin's palms met in a clap."But you know,' Jin squirmed on his seat, moving forward so that only the back of his tights were touching the chair's surface while his fingers wrapped around its edge, 'if you ever start to feel lonely of your own fingers, I am still available," he whispered close to his face and Namjoon would like to say he only imagine the smirk darkening the man's features. Yet, he couldn't say he didn't prefer the smug smile over the waterfalls of tears and mouth open in a silent scream of agony. His muscles still ached. Even a year later, he still felt the weight of the man he tried to carry, hold over the black abyss of rejection, while he watched him twitching in pain he failed to ease, only adding spark to the fuel with his useless wise words and pathetic pats."Oh my God,' the chair's legs Jin was sitting on lifted off the ground when his back hit the backrest while he tried to control the fits of laughter, 'I was just kidd...ing, you should... should had see..seen your face,' he exclaimed, struggling to catch his breath and stuttering over the words, he wiped the tears glistening around the corner of his eyes with his fingers."Sorry,' Jin put his hand in front of himself, his fingers outstretched, 'sorry,' his other hand touched his right hip, easing the dabbing pain from laughing too much. Namjoon's muscles jerked into a grimace, he glared at the shaking and in the waist bending figure.The next time Jin cleared his throat, he spoke with seriousness again: "I told you I moved on a long time ago, Namjoon-ssi,' Namjoon would like to believe that, but he caught on the dark glint like a shadow swimming on the wet surface of his hyung eyes, 'I thought I made myself clear, I do not sleep with straight men,' Jin blinked, 'And you know, this ass needs some good dicking,' a loud smack when Jin hit the back of his hip - flat palm dangerously close to taking the shape of his round ass - surprised Namjoon so much he jumped on his seat, 'nothing against your preferences,' Jin pointed towards Namjoon while swirling his finger, he failed to notice how Namjoon's stare lingered where his hand touched the tight stretchy fabric and a mark resembling a human hand coloured the light material in its shape before it disappeared again, 'but we two are not compati-"Namjoon blinked - he extended his hand in the space for no reason - and quickly, louder than he intended, he said: "Okay, okay, let's just move on!""I'd never taken you for the shy type, Namjoon-ssi.""Hyung, please," Namjoon moaned, close to embarrassment.
"Yeah, sure, so, what is this about then? Did you know I was getting ready, putting on my best fit for dinner when you sent that message? By the way, you sent that to our group chat, just to let you know. Next time deee-em me please, as I am not sure ho-"
Everyone was familiar with the way Jin expressed himself. Some people loved his stories sizzling with drama and Jin didn't hesitate to shake hands with everyone who knew when was the right moment to gasp, put a hand over their mouth or laugh. And then, there were people like Namjoon who were foreign to the party people slang, who pretended to be too slow - but they were secretly too uninterested - to follow the constant bzzz their words slurred into. But whilst Namjoon squinted at the moving lips without catching a single meaning, Jin didn't appear bothered by the lack of reactions coming from his small audience. He either believed his charisma could inspire the devotion in his listeners towards his persona, or he gave up on taking control over his flexing tongue."-swer Hoba's questions. This better be good, Namjoon-ah. Give me the fair reason why am I here and not dusting off the bed sheets with Hyu-"Namjoon of course contemplated whether this was a good idea or not. He was barely able to make up the tones and rhythm of music his legs were supposed to move in over his conversation with Jimin that played on repeat inside his ears. He couldn't recollect what, or whether at all, he ate for dinner, and after catching himself reading the same short paragraph of the song he tried to compose for hundred times - he remembered writing down the catchy chorus as soon as it crossed his mind, but instead of 'I love, I love, I love myself', the letters always formed '...we shouldn't be keeping secrets from each other...' words - he had enough.He knew he was going to regret it even before he mumbled: "Taehyung's gay."Namjoon thought he caught the sound of laughter, even Jin's eyes sparkled, but the sparkle died too soon when Namjoon's words resonated in his ears."What?' Jin choked on his saliva, probably not expecting this type of interruption, 'What did you just say?" he half whispered half shouted, his voice coming out unusually high. He reached for the strands of his hair and put them behind his ear, He turned his left side in Namjoon's direction as if to hear him better."N'thin," Namjoon's tongue bumped against the back of his clenched teeth whilst his lips barely moved, he spoke as fast as he straightened his back. The force made the little wheels under him roll and his chair was pushed backwards, but the edge of his desk stopped it from moving any further, 'I saiD NOTHING!" the strength of his voice raised with each syllable making him shout the last word."No, no, no, wait,' Jin breathed out, looking as intrigued as when he let himself lose in his exciting stories, 'Why so sudden?"Namjoon's eyes started to sting from how long he kept them open while he counted how many times Jin's long eyelashes touched his cheeks. He looked puzzled, maybe even taken back, but after the fifth wink when his eye glands started to produce salty tears, he blinked the fog away."Is this your way,' he started slowly, looking as if thought hard about his next words, 'how to make me stop seeing Hyungu and... what,' Jin squinted his eyes, tilting his head, 'get together with Taehyung?""What?" the vibration of laughter Namjoon couldn't restrain made him choke on his words."I know you are scared of the media finding out, but don't be ridiculous,' Jin mimicked the low chuckle, 'You got the kid wrong, I know a gay when I see one. Pha!" he scoffed, daring to look offended with the hand leisurely placed in the dip of his waist."You were wrong with me," pointed out Namjoon."I walked on you with literally three fingers up your ass!" reasoned Jin, crying out from frustration, his upper body sprung forward and he balanced in the air with both of his palms placed next to his tights carrying his weight when he lifted his butt from the chair he had been sitting on."Hyung, please,' Namjoon cringed over the memory, ' let's not talk about that again," he begged him, putting his head into his hands but wishing it was the hard wooden surface of his working desk instead, maybe he would be successful knocking himself unconscious if he banged his forehead against it."Oh, yeah sure, I am sorry, Namjoon-ah, my bad,""There was a woman," Namjoon slurred out, he almost didn't let Jin finish. He felt the sudden need to defend himself. Maybe he has been more self-conscious than he thought, or maybe he learned this weird tendency from Jin, to always state your right."Hm?""There was a woman on my computer," Namjoon even spun on his chair, the cheap imitation of leather rasped under his weight when he turned in his waist and extended his arm, the pointy finger only a centimetre away from dabbing into the turned off screen."I know, I saw that, but that doesn't make you necessarily straight,' here it was again, something close to hope mixed with sadness that awoke Namjoon's doubt, 'But Taehyung... The next thing you will tell me is that Jungkook is not in love with him."
Some nights, they found themselves in a state of limbo between the end of the day and the beginning of the night, too tired to sleep but too awake to 
rest their minds
. They would lie on their beds, eyes open, arms folded under their heads, legs outstretched, and discuss the maknae's behavio
u
r. They would joke or possibly 
ponder 
abo
ut how he 
longed to breathe the same air, savour the same food, and see the same sights as Taehyung did
 while he thought no one could see past the sleek of his behaviour.

On 
night
 similar to those, 
it
 was Jin who first let his thoughts wander and his words flow freely. "Ya, our Jungkookie is in love!" Namjoon 
vividly 
remembered Jin's little
 excited
 giggle as he commented on the photo Namjoon took with his phone
. The photo captured the 
maknae
 
starring at Taehyung
 with adoration, lost in his own world, while Taehyung posed 
in front of the camera lenses. Back then, 
Namjoon was certain Jin was only joking.

But as they la
y
 on the same beds
, 
fe
eling
 the same tingling sensation running under the skin
 of their 
hands, and realized that their 
legs
 had grown a centimeter or two over the past summer
 as they 
were suddenly able to reach the end of their mattresses,
 
their laughter began to sound strained and forced
. The once lighthearted jokes now carried an air of seriousness
 because everything began to look and feel too real.
Yet, despite the evidence as Jin liked to call it, Namjoon said: "We don't know that for sure, we shouldn't assume," he tried to be rational, not indulging in delusions."Namjoon-ah, do you have eyes? Then don't close them!" Namjoon already knew what Jin was about to say; these words were always on the tip of his tongue. "You shouldn't even squint them to make things less complicated. Even if Taehyung is gay, that doesn't mean he feels the same way for Jungkook. Jungkook will move on, eventually," Jin's perspective on the situation had shifted, and Namjoon hadn't realized when it changed."I did too," Jin added.It seemed as if Namjoon had missed the last words Jin whispered."Hyung, this isn't about you and Yeongu, not even about Jungkook,' or at least he hoped, 'this is what I wanted to talk about,"Jin raised his eyebrows and uttered: "About having another bitch in the house?' Namjoon cringed at the comment, 'But why with me? How did you even find out?"Oh, yeah, how does Namjoon know? He didn't think this out beforehand."I- Taehyung told Jimin and Jimin told me, maybe I made him,' Namjoon admitted, giving up, 'It's complicated, what's important is that Tae-"Jin interrupted him by placing a reassuring hand on Namjoon's leg and giving it a tight squeeze."Take your time," he reassured him, looking directly into Namjoon's eyes and offering his support.***"Alright," started Jin by clearing his throat. Namjoon's words still resonated in the thick air, but instead of cutting through the tension, they made it even harder to breathe.Namjoon didn't know what to feel. Perhaps he was embarrassed for revealing the secret that had been causing his head to spin, quite literally as every time Taehyung walked by, Namjoon's body turned to watch his dongseang's retreating back. Or maybe he was worried that he still clung to his selfish fears over the future. Whatever the case was, Jin seemed to be experiencing both if not more."I see,' Jin mumbled and stuck out his tongue to wet the lips that lost their shine. As he did so, they made a squelching sound. "But why are you telling me all of this?" he asked him, the hint of uncertainty evident, while raising up his brow.Namjoon wasn't sure when he lost his ability to read people's faces, or maybe it was only a pathetic confidence he believed he possessed. It made him torn between trembling under Jin's piercing gaze that danced on the borders of dangerous exasperation. Or did the single eyebrow pulling Jin's eyelid up represent only confusion with the purest desire for an answer?"Because you are ..." Namjoon decided to respond nevertheless, but stopped himself again as Jin's intense stare made him feel uneasy."Because I am gay too?" Jin's voice jumped when he laughed even his shoulders pushed upwards."You are..." Namjoon whispered, confident in his answer but still hesitating for some reason. Jin's mere presence had the power to break anyone into crumbles."I am,' Jin said simply, 'and so are ... I don't know ... five percent of the human population,' he pursed his lips into a grimace, 'what do I have to do with their sexuality? You are the one who told me that it's not a big deal," without a pointy finger jabbing into his chest, Namjoon still felt the hole of accusation burning under his T-shirt."I just don't know what to do!" Namjoon let his emotions take control."Why do you think you have to do something about it,' Jin reasoned with the same vigorous tone, 'Let Taehyung deal with it on his own,' he whined, 'I am sure he wouldn't appreciate other's prying into his business," despite Jin's words resonating withing Namjoon's bones, he didn't know how to walk on the direct path where the goal's lofty towers were rising over the smooth - never bumpy for one to trip - pavement."Hyung, you didn't see him, he looked so,' flashes of memory made Namjoon shiver, 'drained,' he mumbled."Of course, he wouldn't be fine,' Jin's laugh made him feel offended; he was close to putting his hand over his heart, 'You can't expect him to be okay when to whom he is attracted, whom he loves, can affect not only his life,' Jin extended his fingers and then folded his pinky and ring finger back, counting, 'cost him his career, but it can also bring shame upon his family," three of his five fingers where hiding under his wide palm."That's the reason why I have never come out to my mum, why I flirt with girls when members are around. Call me a coward, but it's not easy to be,' Jin trailed off, glancing down at his knees and speaking almost inaudibly, 'sick," he finished and Namjoon's eyes grew wide."I don't think people are ready to watch a girl kissing a girl and boys holding hands,' continued Jin, 'Who knows, maybe one day we will walk in that parade while wearing rainbow clothes,' he smiled over the imagination, 'but the day is not now, not even tomorrow,' his smile died too soon. "So if Taehyung is indeed gay, just let him be. He will tell us when he's ready," Jin shuddered and Namjoon blinked, his upper back rounded when he extended his neck to get a closer look because he thought he saw a tear glistening over the surface of his hyung's eye."Not that I regret ever coming out to you, I can never express how thankful I am for your support and you know,' Jin snickered and gave Namjoon a shy smirk, 'cover-ups. But sometimes I wish you could be clueless like the others.""I just wanted to be a good hyung for once," admitted Namjoon shyly. He was looking down, watching how the wide band of his silver kitsch ring rubbed against the dry skin of his fingers while he moved it up and down with his other hand. But not even the painful burning red marks the cold metal made when it scratched the first thinnest layer of his skin, distracted him enough from feeling worthless."Namjoon-ah,' Jin moved forward faster than Namjoon's eyelids closed in a blink, 'you are a great leader, the best we could have ever asked for," Namjoon shied away in a startle when warm palms engulfed his shaking hand. "But maybe,' Jin smiled sadly, 'leave the hyung-ing on Jimin.""If you are afraid it can influence us, destroy us, well,' a dark chuckle escaped Jin's lips, 'you are right,' he nodded, seeming unaware of the action. "One wrong step and BTS would become just a joke,' his lips pouted to wrap around the 'o' in the word joke, his accent slipped every time he became too eager while speaking. "We could become the hot topic on the internet or television. It's scary," Namjoon tried to focus on the soft sensation of thumb moving in circles over his knuckles because he believed the action, no, the gesture, was supposed to be reassuring. "the situation is not easy for you as leader either,' Jin's chin lowered but his eyes remained focused on Namjoon's face, 'I can understand that," Jin gulped."So can't a guidance help him a bit?" proposed Namjoon, his voice small, sounding breathless."You said Jimin knows, he and Taehyung are best friends,' Jin reminded him patiently, 'I don't think there is someone who can replace Jimin.""You are right, but," Namjoon sighed."But, what?"Namjoon closed his eyes. His hand jerked in need to place it over the bridge of his nose and squeeze out the bitterness by boring his fingers deep into the nasal bone. However, the weight of the foreign hands restrained him, so he could only count the splashes of colours twirling behind his eyelids."Do you think that Jimin really is the best influence when so much is at stake?" but was it truly just frustration that tinted his words? "We both know how reckless he can be. He took him to that place for fuck sake," Namjoon's hand slid out from Jin's grip when he let his body fall backwards. The old wood squeaked in protest when it hit the backrest of the chair."Then talk to him," Jin crossed his arms over his chest, spreading out his legs and pushing his pelvis up slightly. He dared him to not complicate his world."Can't you?""Me?' Jin's head tilted, 'To whom? Jimin? Taehyung?""Both?" Namjoon put his hand over the nape, the short hair growing there tickled his fingers when they brushed over the bristles. He pressed on the hard muscles of his neck which made his head bow. "But, you know,' he bit his bottom lip, 'without telling Taehyung that I know..."***
November 2015
Those who had the privilege of getting close to Namjoon, the ones who could confidently lock their eyes with him while emptying a glass of soju, often referred to him as a workaholic. Usually, when only one drink of bitter liquid mixed with his blood, he let it slip. However, there were times when his mind felt adventurous and his tongue became both too moist and numb from the liquid fire. In those times, he would drunkenly point with his finger into the hazy space, as if his tired eyes could make up the person he was imagining from the blurred colours, and say: "Have you met Yoongi hyung?' he would slur over his words, 'The guy never sleeps, I swear!"But while getting equally drunk giggles and applause from his friends as a response, he would suppress the feelings of jealousy, yet this time, swallowing them down only with his own saliva. He was afraid that any more bold sips of alcohol would expose his hidden envy.Other people, those who accepted his stern but respectful bows with a brief wave of their hands, knew Namjoon as a selfless leader who always put the achievements of his six brothers before his own. They recognised him by the praises and encouraging thumb-ups he gave to his fellow bandmates while walking behind their backs. Perhaps, it was the shadow from their broad shoulders that hid the true shape of his smile, or maybe it had never turned wavy and bitter, as the love and pride in his heart has always been sincere.But who in this world was so selfless to not be greedy? Certainly not Namjoon. So when it was the absence of windows that buried his grin in the dark, and the thick walls, ceilings and stairs hid him from piercing narrow eyes, he couldn't help but let the corners of his mouth drop down in exasperation. He had never allowed his heart, pumping desires instead of blood, to reveal that pathetic silent competition he has been engaging in. But every time he witnessed Yoongi's pale bony fingers restlessly dancing across the keyboard, while the black chaotic beauty of lyrics filled the computer screen, he pushed himself harder. Yet, his hand, clutching the pen between his thumb and index finger, began to tremble after three cups of black coffee without even a drop of milk or sugar to soften the taste of bitterness on his tongue.Namjoon nestled between the cream-white bed sheets, feeling his body sinking deeper into overly soft mattress. He reached for the duvet tangled between his legs and pulled it over his torso and up to his nose. Too fatigued to reposition his arms, he left them resting next to his head, unable to muster up the energy to move them.Namjoon sniffled when smooth fabric touched the tip of his nose. The powerful irritating smell of laundry detergent faded away over the span of the few days and nights they were staying inside the hotel in New York City. The faint fragrance was successful in calming down his high on alert senses from too much caffeine.His eyes were closed. The thin skin covering his eyelids wrinkled from how hard he pressed them together when the hum of weakening memory of Yoongi's words tried to fight the sleep fogging his awareness. He shivered when the freezing New York's November wind that twirled the silky curtains falling over the big windows got through the cotton of his duvet. And as soon as the lingering ashy scent of the cigarette Yoongi had smoked on the hotel balcony reached his nostrils, Namjoon buried his face into his pillow. His cough was muted by the softness and he fell asleep while battling with the familiar craving for the addicting burnt taste of nicotine.He remained oblivious to the faint glow coming from his phone placed on the nightstand next to his bed as well as he failed to notice the subtle vibrations that caused the water's surface in the glass to whirl when they travelled through the wood.Namjoon would describe the awaking from his dream as a bolt of lightning that stroke the growing sprout of a youthful tree on the meadow full of towering poplars, it was unexpected, sudden and certainly not appreciated.In a sudden jolt, his upper body sprung forward, only his head got entangled within the folds of the duvet. Panicked, he felt the slippery resistance at the crown of his head that pulled his body back down into laying position. His arms pressing into the squishy mattress behind him were not strong enough to support him. The fall took his breath away and his mouth opened. Namjoon could swear he saw how the air forced from his lungs took the shape of the clear fog in front of his eyes before it returned back to his swollen lips. His abdominal muscles contracted when he coughed out the dryness scratching his throat. A hoarse and confused What? rushed out between his teeth. And it was at that moment, when Namjoon turned his head on his pillow from left to right, that his eyes got used to the shady darkness in the room, that he saw the tiny crystals of dust spinning in the halo of light over his nightstand. His eyebrows pulled up and he extended his arm, reaching for the familiar object that he couldn't see but knew it was there. He accidentally bumped his wrist into the dull edge of the night table before his fingers clumsily wrapped around the metal frame of his phone. Eventually he brought it in front of his face. A groan escaped his lips when the blinding source of the screen light sank its beams into his sensitive eyes. His second hand found its way onto his face to prevent him from the future blindness while he kept moaning from the stinging pain. It took nearly a minute before he could make up the sticks and curves of the name written under the handsome face in the circle. Letting out another whine, he brought the burning display to his ear after sliding up the accept button. Only after the silence spread between the four walls, he realised what the ringing inside his head was."Hello?" Namjoon murmured but only a heavy sigh with too much air was heard at the other side of the phone call."Namjoon-ah!' Jin's voice yelled into his ear and he wanted to smash his head against that dull edge that left a bruise on the inner side of his right wrist, 'Thank goodness! I thought you weren't going to pick up," Jin's long sigh of relief left Namjoon truthfully puzzled."Hyung,' Namjoon couldn't help but whimper, 'what the hell?' but a yawn that forcefully gushed even more air from his lungs interrupted him mid-sentence, forcing him to pause, 'Do you know what time is it?" he asked.While not someone who typically cried, Namjoon was certainly familiar with the traitor tears gathering around his eyes that were born purely out of exhaustion. If they spilled, they would only add to the puffiness of his cheeks."I-," Jin faltered, the impromptu question caught him off guard and cut the consistent line of his thoughts. The characteristic rasping of blowing mouth that filled the breaks between the words, and the swishing of flowing air that one linked with the typical buzzing of phone call, faded out, even Jin's voice when he spoke again was coming from a distance: "It's one fo-""Hyung, that was just-,' Namjoon guessed he sounded as tired as he felt, 'just tell me what you want," he could only hope the annoyance too didn't tint his tone. He felt his lips moving against his will in his half slumber when the unconscious part of him took the control."Namjoon-ah,' Jin voiced out his name sharply, still from far away, 'you have to help me," but the pleading was breathed raspingly through the microphone right into his ear, 'something really bad had happened."As soon as the blurry disproportioned figure blocked out Namjoon's eye looking through the round installed at eye level of smooth surface, he grabbed the handle and flung open the door. The dry, hot air from the overheated hotel corridor hit him in the face, turning his skin red with a vapour of sweat pouring down his burning skin. He had to huff to prepare his lungs for a dose of boiling suffocation.Jin, equally drenched in sweat and wearing his favourite set of light flowy pajamas, opened his eyes comically wide when the thin part of the door that usually clicks into the lock, nearly hit him. He jumped on his feet, but luckily, Namjoon's quick reflexes saved him from losing his balance and falling backwards as sweaty fingers wrapped around his wrist just in time while the flimsy heel of his house slipper bent under his sole. Namjoon observed how Jin's fingers, only a few centimeters away from his face, loosened shakily from their 'ready to knock pose'.Namjoon turned his head from left to right. He squinted at the sensors sensitive to movement which began to turn off the row after row of installed ceiling lights."Come inside," he hissed through clenched teeth, 'quickly," he urged Jin to hurry by pulling at his hand.The tapping of feet covered in cozy winter woolen socks against the carpet and the soft squeaking of rubber under bare soles blended into the dull unharmonic mess of steps as they walked around Namjoon's room.
"Where's Yoongi," was the first question Jin asked as he also caught the cough-prompting and aired out by the wind smell of nicotine."Hm?" Namjoon turned around upon hearing a sound, only to find Jin standing right behind him with hands leisurely resting on his hips. He was prodding with the fingers sticking out of the open toebox the plastic bag filled with the empty beer cans that Namjoon and Yoongi drank under the glow of big city lights, pretending they could see the moon behind the smog."I was planning to throw it out in the morning,' Namjoon answered Jin's gaze. He took a deep breath when one can dangled before it tipped over, leaking its sticky mess out."You drank a lot,' stated Jin simply, counting the crushed tins, 'Should I worry about finding passed out Yoongi lying on the bathroom tiles?" he attempted to joke but his eyes didn't share the same emotion as his mouth, showing his two rows of teeth."He's probably in his room," answered Namjoon."Oh, is he,' muttered Jin absentmindedly, 'I thought you were rooming together," all of sudden he bent down, placing his palms on his tights and he lifted up the fallen can. "So damn sticky," he cursed under his breath and out of the habit he brought his hand to his mouth. But before the pink tip of his tongue could stick out to lick the bitter mess, Jin shook his head and chuckled over his own foolishenss.
The longer Namjoon was watching him, the more impatient he grew. Despite Jin's distressed phone call, his dishevelled appearance, and the messy-looking hair strands falling over his eyes, Namjoon couldn't help, but himself feel weary and on edge. The water teasingly close to the brim of his glass placed on the nightstand table enhanced the scale of the alarm clock standing on its two short legs behind it. When Namjoon stretched the tired muscles at the back of his neck by turning his head, it reminded him how fast the night was fading into sunrise. As he felt the last drops of patience mingling with his blood, he found himself losing his calm."Hyung,' he said sternly, blinking and closing his eyes, 'you said it's important, you begged to come to my room, but the only thing you are doing is commenting on my drinking habits,' and with an exhale he opened them, 'so, what is it?"Jin finally let go of the smashed can. He outstretched his knees and still showing his wide back to Namjoon, he pushed his shoulders back. "Right,' he uttered under his breath, 'how stupid of me to become scared in the worst moment possible," laughed Jin shakily. His arm shoot in the air and Namjoon thought he was going to scratch the back of his head, but instead, he dove his hand inside his pajama bottom pocket and took out his phone."You told me to talk to Taehyung,' Jin turned around warily, but instead of meeting Namjoon's eyes, he observed cracks and scratch marks under his thumb, 'I did."Namjoon was surprised the reason why he was awake at such an unholy hour didn't involve Jin's impulsive decisions. He was taken aback by hearing Taehyung's name falling from Jin's lips. Although Jin's words should have made him feel relieved, there was something about his cautious tone that made Namjoon hold his breath."But maybe not the way you would like," Jin admitted and grabbed his wrist. He twisted his hand forcefully and he placed his unlocked phone on his palm. Namjoon's fingers automatically wrapped around the frame."Did I tell you how Hyungu and I met?" Jin prompted a question."Through that app,' Namjoon could feel how his forehead began to wrinkle as memories covered by the shade of time started to push the app's name on his tongue, 'Swipe?""Swipe Heart," muttered Jin and Namjoon nodded over recognition. There was a story of possibility rushing on the surface, but Namjoon shook his head, scoffing over the silly thought crossing his mind. Not even Jin would be this stupid. He just had to wait for a reasonable and rational explanation."What about it?"Not even Namjoon was so stupid to be this naive. He took a sharp breath when Jin finally looked up, staring into his eyes before he jerked his head down and Namjoon finally took a look at the gleaming screen.He searched for it once. Out of curiosity itching behind the skin of his fingertips, on his sensitive nerves, he typed the two words into the search bar on his phone's App Store. However, he ended up deleting it before he could begin using it. He didn't even need to, especially when those same two words, written in decorative font, screamed from the top left corner of the app that was open on Jin's phone."Is that Soonshim?' he shouted suddenly, tapping twice at the photo of the white dog sitting obediently before the brick house visible despite the white smudge of the dog's happy wiggling tail, 'what is Taehyung's dog doing on an app like that?"The guilt present on Jin's face suddenly brightened as laughter burst from his throat. When Namjoon reconsidered what he had said, he had to admit it sounded silly."I meant," he stumbled over his words but Jin waved his hand dismissively."If you are asking if that's Taehyung's profile,' Jin's finger joined his, 'it is. I've been chatting with him for over a month pretending to be a stranger,' Jin answered a look of horror written all over Namjoon's face, 'you know a gay fellow," Jin added with a hint of humour, unable to resist turning a serious and weighty situation into a joke.However, the serious undertones crept back into Jin's expression, matching his eyes rimmed with red and his face drained of colour."Now, that you are too shocked to yell at me, can you help me?" he tapped the screen that started to turn shady again. With his finger, he traced over the words of the most recent message, the small numbers next to it indicated it had been sent only twenty minutes ago."What would you do if you found yourself in a house of stranger? In the middle of the night?" read Namjoon aloud before widening his eyes. "What?"img src=“https://www.google-analytics.com/collect?v=1&tid=[G-5RFH8TV7PX]

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“Taehyung-ah, wait!” Jin seemed to be the first one to snap out of the story, as Taehyung named it, that Namjoon had been narrating to them. It must have been his fingers that grabbed at the loose fabric falling and stacking in the wrinkled pleats on his back. Only when he felt the light pull stopping his right foot from reaching any further, Taehyung blinked and realised he was standing only a meter away, and with his hand extended, from the door leading out of the room, out of the hollow feeling panging in the middle of his erratically lifting chest. Taehyung didn’t know a betrayal had the power to make him feel so empty that even the hot blood, staining the walls of his veins, drained into the dried and crispy spatters of black-red.
“If you leave now,’ Jin took advantage of the shock that caused Taehyung to take a look around the space he was standing in, ‘nothing’s going to resolve. I know you are upset, I would be too, but all you have been doing is running away,’ the words that started to feel more like bullets continued to hit Taehyung’s back, ‘I was worried about you last night, I won't lie. As your hyung, I think that what you’ve done was dumb, careless and so dangerous, but,’ Jin already sounded breathless when he stopped himself to take a sharp breath in, ‘as someone who knows this feeling all too well, when I received your message, the first thought that crossed my mind was ‘damn, Taehyung really has some balls’!” Jin breathed out.
Taehyung was waiting for the true shouting ever since he accepted the surprising call back in Samuel’s kitchen. And now, the burning sizzling of angry yells resonating inside his ears made the few scabs melt into cautious pink streams.
“But look at you now,’ Jin’s voice kept getting louder and the wet spits of his words were flying from his lips faster, ‘This is no longer a fear, this is cowardice,’ he laughed mockingly, slowly awaking the gushing burst of the river without knowing, ‘And I know a thing or two about it. Everyone in this room is aware of who you are and what happened last night. You fucked a man?’ snorted Jin, ‘Well, I am sleepin’ with one nearly foa year now, Namjoon’s fillin’up hizass wid’toys butstilllikestits,” the pauses between the words and sentences were gradually disappearing.
“Hyung!”
“Shut up, Namjoon-ah!’ spat Jin impatiently. “So what are you going to do, Taehyung-ah, run away and cry into your pillow again?’ Taehyung could feel his T-shirt rising and he imagined how Jin threw his arms into the air from frustration, ‘while trying to change something that you don’t have any control over, just because this guy over here said boo?” another soft but offended plea of ‘Hyung’ was heard coming from where Namjoon was still sitting on his bed.
“Weren’t you listening to him,’ continued Jin a lot more calmly this time, as if he was losing his strength, ‘he was trying to help you, maybe in the most douche-bag way,’ another chuckle, reminding a snort, found its way into his throat, ‘but it still counts. So, don’t you dare, Kim Taehyung, to leave this room the same you did this morning,” exhaled Jin for the last time. And as if he knew that Taehyung’s shaking outstretched arm began to fall down before it hit his tight, he let go of the fabric between his fingers, daring him to take the final step.
Taehyung guessed a silence was what spread among them all next. He supposed Namjoon was chewing on his bottom lip and gulping down any thoughts before he could let them free as any time, when someone with bigger words than him took the initiative. He believed Jin’s shoulders were rising and falling while he was coming down from the adrenaline. But all of these were just assumptions collected at the back of his brain captured by the observation that shoved, no, thrust the discs of memories into his hands, acting as like a lifebuoy ring, when it saw him falling out of reality. The destructive flood, smashing with its waters all the barriers, was bubbling under Taehyung’s skin. He didn’t know if he imagined them, or if he could actually feel the lumps rising on his bare arms similar to the boiling magma coming to the light from the surface, turning the ground almost liquid.
“If you have something to say,’ noted someone, as if they could see the moving muscles on Taehyung’s face around his sealed lips, ‘just say it,” was it Jin or Namjoon, Taehyung couldn’t differentiate between their voices anymore.
Taehyung didn’t surprise only the two staring at his back, but also himself when he spoke, just shortly after they put the stop behind their words, but too soon for their buzz to die away: “I just feel so pathetic right now,’ he whined, ‘because apparently, I was so transparent. I wonder how foolish did I have to look to you, when you were happily bantering behind my back and lying with a smile right into my face.”
Taehyung took the air inside his nostrils. However, they had to spend an hour, if not more, closed inside the small room, that no freshness, no coolness remained inside the particles. If he breathed in to ease the fire, the heat acted just like a sparkle.
“LIKE WHY THE FUCK DO YOU ALL PRETEND IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL?!’ Taehyung spun around so rapidly that the world in front of him wobbled before his eyes settled on one spot, making Jin flinch, ‘For me, it doesn’t feel like nothing! ““I’ve never said-”“If you knew, why didn’t you come to me? Hyung,’ Taehyung was now looking straight into Jin’s eyes, he watched his reflection trashing from anger on their glassy surface, ‘Do you know why I texted you every night? You know because I told you,’ he watched how Jin shivered uncomfortably under his pointed finger, ‘I told you how lonely I was feeling and how I struggled to silence that monster banging against my head,” Taehyung grabbed at his hair with a desperate cry. Black soft strands wrapped around his fingers and he pulled and lifted them up, as if to show the cackling creature, the brute with its fists ready in the air, hiding in the shadows.Namjoon, who had been watching the scene happening while holding his breath and with the emotion breaking his stern face, lifted his hips and moved to the edge of the bed, his heels no longer bounced above the floor. He looked ready to stand up.“Do you know what it tells me?’ the glaze on Taehyung’s eyes looked wild, his fingers shook before they gave up and his palms dropped on his scalp flat, ‘It screams and laughs inside my ears that this me, but I don’t want this to be ME,” a plead of hysteria slipped of Taehyung’s tongue. Jin watched tear after tear sliding down his cheeks into the wet mess dropping on the collar of his T-shirt.“I hate how much I enjoyed the last night because it doesn’t make me full. I am so scared that I will not be strong enough to fight it next time and,’ Taehyung swallowed and stopped moving, only his black pupils run from left to right alarmingly, ‘It will come back,’ Taehyung’s lips barely unglued from each other when a quiet dread and panic slipped past them, as if he didn’t want the monster, momentarily feeding on his fears, to hear him, ‘it returned yesterday and it will come again and now that I know how it feels with just a random man, I keep imagining how he would make me feel. But I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I ca-” Taehyung’s mouth suddenly opened wide. His throat started to bob rapidly as he tried to catch a single breath of air, but it was flying away fast from his begging lungs. His heart dropped and the tremor shook his whole body. He knew what was forming in the pit of his stomach. He frantically searched for help in the blur.“Taehyung-ah, oh my God!” Namjoon was slow to notice that Taehyung’s hands, entwined in his hair, were pressing and pushing against his head with so painful, that it looked punishing, force as if he wished to crush and crack it.“Tae-yah, stop!’ shouted Namjoon, springing to his feet as quick as he could, ‘You are hurting yourself!” he cried for his legs to carry him faster but all they responded with was a lazy, nasty cramp, as if making fun of him for sitting for so long. He rushed past Jin, whose eye’s looked blown out, and his elbow came into contact with something soft when he reached for Taehyung’s forearms. Somewhere at the back of his brain, he heard Jin hiss.Taehyung could feel the hairs ripping off his scalp with an aching burn when something tugged at his arms. He expected them to hit the floor, hard under his knees, but the bone-crushing bang has never come. Instead, a breathy voice whispered somehow close to his ear: “Hey, can you hear me?’ Taehyung tried to focus on the wet finger touching his cheek and wiping his never drying tears, only to cry even harder when just a hazy shape of nothing obscured his vision, ‘Please!”“...oon…”“You have to breathe,’ a warm touch over his ribcage sent Taehyung’s head spinning, ‘or you are going to make yourself sick again.” He was still short of breath, lapping with his tongue hanging out of his mouth and tasting the choking air, but he finally found the way out in those last words.“I don’t care!’ coughed out Taehyung, ‘I want this out! It feels better when it is out!” his saliva added to the mess of his hot tears. He blindly felt a hand placed over his chest, attempting to push it down but it was gone all at once before his fingers could leave stingy scratch marks on its skin. (“What are you doing?”)“Namjoon-ah…”(“What are you saying? Are you even listening to yourself? You don’t want this!”)(“Jesus Christ, Kim Namjoon, I don’t think he can hear you! Just get him to the toilet before he spills all over the floor.”)
Two hands slipped past the gap between his together pressed arms and lifted him up. He felt them tickling him on his bare sweaty skin where the short sleeve ended. The touch on the sensitive nerve endings sent the signal to his legs that bent in knees when his heels raised from the ground. His last dying piece of dignity crying from humiliation took the steps for him, refusing to get dragged against the floor like a useless rag doll.Taehyung was thrown onto something so cold that when it came to contact with his skin it caused the hairs on his arms and at the back of his neck to stand up. His chin hit a firm object and his teeth clashed together. The unpleasant sound rang inside his ears, intensifying the pain the throbbing pain inside his head. As Taehyung began to focus on the pulsating pain, he realised that he could finally breathe again. However, with the first taste of satisfying air for his lungs, the demons, that had been silenced by his self-preservation, stirred to life with a rattle of their cheers. Taehyung felt as if the weight of his body had multiplied tenfold, it all accumulated under his belly button, sinking at the base of his lower abdomen, dragging him down into the pits.“Feels better … when it’s out,” Taehyung whispered between his rough inhales. His muscles strained when he tried to lift himself on his open palm only for his elbow to slam on the plastic put over the porcelain when his arm became too shaky. He brought his second hand down his body, right on his stomach where the hem of his trousers met with his skin.Taehyung didn’t wait for anything, he pressed down as soon as he felt the resistant muscle contracting against the soft tissue. The push forced his lips apart and a painful moan on the background of a gag rushed out. He didn’t know if he was so weak or the punch was so powerful, but he had to wrap his fingers around the edge of the disgusting toilet seat, his nails bent in reverse, trying to separate from the flesh.Taehyung poked his abdomen again, feeling the skeletons of the creatures that had settled deep down. But they simply didn’t care, just kept swimming in the dense fluid. Taehyung’s body trashed from heavy breaths. He jabbed against it roughly, imagining how his knuckles left the hollow of their shape where the golden started to tint blue from the forming bruise. Taehyung continued to pump the bile.“C’mon Taehyung-ah,’ a hand that didn’t belong to him touched his feverish body, ‘it’s alright, just get it out,’ the end of the balls of the fingers - Taehyung could almost feel the sharp nails - draped down his sweaty back, copying the crooked line of his spine, ‘you said it feels better that way, so just, for now…” the cold words teasing his nape were accompanied by the low hiccups of restrained cries as the fears wearying Taehyung out, splashed on the bottom of the toilet.*When Taehyung opened his eyes next, the humidity in the air confused his senses, the same as the gloomy space where the only source of light was the lengthy stripe of whitish gleam reflecting on the matted tiles coming through the gap between door and wall. His eyelids felt heavy and he was aware of every small movement of the eyeballs rolling behind his skin as he tried to focus behind the dark falling over the mysterious room. He jerked his head resting on something smooth, wet and cold when the deafening silence caused by the pressure inside his ears snapped and the low humming of the unheard melody of a familiar voice reached his eardrums.“Hyung,” Taehyung struggled to speak. His dry and chapped lips parted and the clot of dark blood filled the shredded pinkish skin, but no voice got out of his mouth, only harsh coughs. The sickening aftertaste on his tongue became more noticeable with freshly produced saliva, causing his stomach to churn in discomfortThe hand in Taehyung’s hair, untangling the knots, came to a stop. “Taehyung-ah?” voiced out Jin unsurely, his body behind Taehyung’s back tensed.“What happened?” the wet muscle stuck out to damp Taehyung’s lips. Enzymes in saliva melted the dried spots and when his tongue retrieved behind his teeth, the thick taste of iron added to the mess battling inside.“I’ began Jin, ‘I am not sure,” the swallow made the tone of his voice drop down. “Are you going to throw up again?” he asked after a while when the silence of doubt spread between them.Taehyung thought he managed to raise up his eyebrows but with the tiredness covering his every cell, he wasn’t sure. Only when the same nauseating odour that was attacking his sensitive tastebuds hit his nose too, his eyes focused on the grimy fluid of repugnant acid green and yellow colours, with the drops of toilet water ruffling the otherwise steady surface.Taehyung shook his head, his throat was burning with rawness and swelling closed his airways.Jin sighed: “Let me help you,” he mumbled at the same time as two strong arms engulfed around Taehyung’s torso, careful to not press too hard against his irritated stomach, and lifted him up into a sitting position. Taehyung felt a bit pathetic being manhandled like a helpless kid in their most vulnerable state, when it had been a while since he has learned how to hide under a duvet to bury his ugly tears-stroked face when he tied his shoelaces in the wrong way. His butt hit the floor, but the back of his knees stayed hovering above it when the heels of his boots refused to slide any further. In a curled position with hands touching his trembling tights so his back rounded, he watched how Jin bent forward and the gross reminiscence of Taehyung’s lunch swirled in pipes with one press of the flush button. The toilet lid fell close and with a surprised inhale, Taehyung found himself in the air again. And maybe it was the hitch that swished along his body or Jin’s shadow that towered above his figure before he squatted in front of him, but all of a sudden, there were fresh new tears falling down Taehyung’s cheeks.“I know, I know, Taehyung-ah,’ Jin made a face, his eyes swam in sorrowfulness, ’it’s alright.”“Hyung,’ howled Taehyung, ‘I don’t want this,’ he let his chin drop and watched how the clears tears slid down the slope of his nose before hanging from its tip, ‘I don’t want to feel like this,” maybe Taehyung didn’t know how exactly to explain what was baking under his skin, he was aware, if he peeled it off, he wouldn’t find there any monsters eager for his sanity; he knew the blood dripping from his fingernail, he became so addicted to biting, was his own and not the source of the creatures’ lives; even the pieces bathing in body fluids, he saw at the base of the toilet, were remains of the food he ate in last few hours and not the bones of their rattling skeletons. Yet, it was easier to accuse something no one beside him could see or feel than to admit how powerless he became in this war, “I don’t want to feel this to him.”“I understand, Taehyung-ah,’ Jin’s voice dropped, ‘more than you can imagine.”Taehyung didn’t know why was he nodding, maybe he remembered something, but the memory was too faint to materialize, or perhaps he nodded to shake his head next.“Hyung, I hate myself so much,” he put his hands over his tearful eyes, pressing the eyelids together and looking inside himself, at his ugly soul.“It’s okay, Taehyung-ah, because hyung loves you.”“Hey, cry it out, it’s fine, I am here, can you feel me?”As Taehyung sat there, slowly losing his balance because his brain couldn’t focus on a certain point, the frustrating "no" was on the tip of his tongue, ready to be voiced. He wanted to ask Jin what did he mean, until he suddenly could feel it. Despite no arms came to wrap around Taehyung to provide protection from any and all evil that lurked around every corner - however, it would be pointless, as the hatred existed within Taehyung, seemingly mocking him with a soft smile. Unlike Jimin, who always shielded him, Jin's touch couldn't be physically felt. The most responsive sensors under Taehyung’s skin couldn’t react to the warmth or coldness of his palms, or to the beats of a foreign heart against his chest.Taehyung looked through the gaps between his fingers. Jin was right there, his sweet breath mixed with Taehyung’s in the stuffy choking air, while the emotion written in Jin’s eyes could be read as understanding. Maybe Taehyung mistook that sympathy for pity amidst the blur of his tears, but in that moment, he truly believed that Jin could see him. It was then that Taehyung learned that comfort can take many shapes and forms.“Yeah,’ nodded Taehyung, ‘I can feel you.”*Both of them turned their heads when a soft knock spiralled its way through the mellow sobbing. Despite the dark ruling over the bathroom, they both could make up Namjoon sticking his head warily in the gap the door had made. His eyes were instantly drawn to Taehyung sitting on a closed toilet with his back leaning against the tank filled with water. The shiver of uneasiness run down Taehyung’s spine under the penetrating gaze that he could feel poking somewhere under his ribcage. The stare set on fire more questions than it answered and Taehyung was for a moment choking in the smoke full of inquiries prompting marks. He withstood the urge to flush himself down with the remains of unpleasant green and yellow staining the porcelain walls under the lid, when he was reminded of the disrespect he bore into his hyung’s soul.Despite painting all shades of red and pink over Taehyung’s face, when Namjoon opened his mouth to speak, Jin’s name fell from his lips.“Jin hyung, can I talk to you?” the question sounded more like a command than a plea and as Jin’s breath hitched, Taehyung knew he wasn’t the only one who noticed the shift.“Now?” even if the hand that shot in the air to scratch the back of Jin’s head could be read as a gesture of doubt, the irritation in Jin’s tone couldn’t be missed, same as the side-glance he threw to Taehyung’s direction.The fingers of Namjoon’s hand, resting horizontally on the door’s surface, closed into a fist and a shudder escaped his mouth in an impatient tremble: “Please?” his eyes slid from Taehyung’s face and got lost in the bathroom’s corners, drinking in its perfect untouched state despite the hysteric howls that were bouncing from the walls no long ago. Taehyung also wondered how no crack travelled down the mirror above the sink in a poor imitation of the familiar fracture covered by his clothes, lapping up all forms of pain the human heart can take.Even if he was busy following Namjoon’s gaze caressing with blazes everything his eyes could reflect on, Taehyung tried hard not to blush or bow his head in shame when the sudden heat of gawk hit his cheek. Namjoon might do his best to distract his mind, but the thoughts still screamed so loud on his face that there remained no place for doubt about what hot topic would the conversation be spinning around. And when Taehyung’s teeth came to bite on his bottom lip, a sigh blowing on his face confirmed that not only Jin knew too, he also knew that Taehyung knew. Not that it made the whole situation any less embarrassing.   * “What is it?” Jin’s voice pushed through the space of the doorframe even before his shadow could vanish on the bathroom tiles. His hand pressing down on the handle must have lifted from the metal as the lever jumped back into a straight position, but regardless of the gentle click drowning out the next uttered words as the lock pushed into the hole, the square piece of metal, that holds the door closed, jumped back almost immediately, leaving a well-known slit for voices to reach Taehyung’s ears.Taehyung’s eyes widened and with a sharp intake of breath, he felt the soft flexible bumps sticking out the inner side of his ears, and with his fingers, he pushed them inside the ear canals to block out all the sounds coming his way, before he could catch the whisper of his own name slipping of one of his hyung’s lips.“How- how is he?”“I don’t know. He’s kinda… not here. You saw it!” but the noises continued to come and curiosity, pulling at Taehyung’s wrist pleadingly, won, despite him putting his head between his tights and with the inner sides of his knees he was pushing against his ears while hitting the edge of the toilet with his heels. He raised his head, the roughness of his jeans scrapped at his cheeks and shoved his hair backwards, baring his forehead.“Yeah, did he-”
”Namjoon-ah, cut the crap,” the abrupt yell startled Taehyung. The bang, as the hard soles of his boots hit the floor, quivered the toothbrushes stuck in the porcelain cup on the shelf above the sink. Taehyung placed his hands over his knees to stop his legs from making decisions instead of him. “What do you really want?”“Hyung, did you hear what he said, what he did? It almost seemed … intentional,"“I know,’ it was impossible to keep track of airy sighs whistling Jin’s words out, ‘but are you seriously implying that he did it on purpose?"Taehyung didn’t like how the flying sparkles kept burning his skin every time the swords of the words with big meanings collided.He stood there, his ear pressed against the door. He listened closely to their voices and watched how the shadows of their energetic footsteps, moving by the gap under the door, ran across his feet. He felt like he was right there, in the thick of it all, even though the straight plastic plate hid not only his watchful judging eyes, but his whole presence. The dull throb of headache slowly raised from the back of his head - the kind that he usually got when he was too frustrated for way too long.“But he’s so skinny?”“Namjoon-ah,’ when something firm collided with the door from the other side and the vibration, travelling through the gaps between the molecules squeezing together, moved Taehyung’s skin in little circles, he jumped back, only the hands that pushed him away as a natural reaction, stayed stroking the surface, ‘ that’s not relevant, we all are just skin and bones.”“But it still bothers me,’ Namjoon’s voice came out as nothing but a huff, prompting Taehyung to prick up his ears, ‘You were talking to him, did he mention anything?"“I don’t think so, we really were just talking about, you know, the boys out there,” Jin laughed as if he was watching the same memory that unfolded in front of Taehyung’s eyes.It felt like they knew that he was there, but they didn't care. They spoke in hushed tones, as if they were afraid of being overheard, yet at the same time, their voices still sounded sharp as they were cutting through the door. They played a weird game of avoiding folding their tongues into the syllables of his name, where they thought he was too stupid not to turn and spin the screaming pronoun until the familiar letters, put together very precisely, didn't laugh into his ears.“Why are you looking at me like that?”A short space filled with hesitation spread the tension that even clasped on Taehyung behind the door. “Did you mean it?” the whisper of question slipping out like a nervous secret, made Taehyung tilt his head as he sensed the atmosphere shifting.“Mean what?” Jin sounded just as confused.“I overheard you two talking,” Namjoon let out a sigh “You always look at me like that, and the things you say confuse me,’ he must have finally mustered up his courage, ‘I just need to know,’ he continued, his tone pleading, ‘Is it true, or are you just…,” the rest of Namjoon’s words disappeared in a low creaking playing on Taehyung’s eardrums when he pushed on the offending barrier dividing the unawareness and humiliation. He envisioned himself throwing off the invisibility cloak and stepping into the room under dramatic light. But instead, the brightness of late winter day assaulted his eyes that got used to the peaceful dimness of tiled walls. And as long as the imagination played behind the eyelids of his squinting eyes, he put both his hands in front of his face shoving the attacker away.“Why does it matter anyway?” the tips of Taehyung’s big booths, which just barely crossed the silver door sill, were pointing towards Jin, who was showing the broad expense of his back and standing with hands on his hips, supported only by thumbs under the hem of his pants. There were not even five steps between them, so if Taehyung opened his mouth to utter a word or waved his hand, the heat of his presence would without a doubt graze Jin’s skin, and Taehyung was sure his legs were visible in the middle of Jin’s spread ones.However, as Namjoon talked with all the fervour while his lips glistened with the saliva slowly bubbling into the white foam - in the fever of considering possibilities and decisions - he must have thought it was his mind playing tricks on him.“It concerns me!”Taehyung knew he would stay hidden until his knees wouldn’t wobble from cramps if he didn’t step where the shadow couldn’t reach. He cleared his throat softly. Only if he knew whom is he trying to spare further embarrassment.“Oh,’ the bewilderment crossed Namjoon’s features before it settled on pure shock, ‘Taehyung-ah!” the way his mouth kept lapping as if more words - that Taehyung had never been meant to hear - fought to push out but the consciousness gulped them down, drew a picture of voiceless fish inside Taehyung’s mind.“Hey, buddy,’ Jin flashed him a weak smile, refusing to let the awkwardness linger, or maybe he just welcomed the interruption as the old friend behind whom he could hide, ‘Feeling better now?” he reached out and gently squeezed Taehyung's shoulder. The thumb pressing into the soft muscle beneath Taehyung’s clavicle, made Taehyung lift his head. Their gazes met, but Jin quickly looked away.“Yeah,” Taehyung nodded slowly. “Sorry that you had to see that,” he murmured, shifting his weight from one foot to another. He felt slightly uncomfortable, but was unable to lower his eyes from Jin’s face, even if the familiar heat started to creep up his neck.“It’s all good, ‘ Jin reassured him distractedly, catching the movement opposite of him, ‘What’s important now, is that you are alright,”A shy smile tugged at Taehyung’s lips.“I suppose.”His gaze flickered between Jin and Namjoon, he noted how Namjoon began to play with the ring on his finger, while the hand that stroked Taehyung’s shoulder lifted up to scratch behind Jin’s ear.“Hyung, I’ Taehyung gulped and tugged at Jin’s sleeve, ‘I am tired, can we go now?” and when Jin blinked, falling on his feet back to reality, Taehyung quickly put a palm over his mouth, his eyes became just two slits, he pretended to yawn.***The sunset over the city that Taehyung learned to hate from love, enhanced the tears glistening at the surface of his eyes in its powerful colours. He didn’t know if his cheeks were wet because of how the golden beams blended perfectly with the velvet red where the skyline met the first peaks of the highest buildings, or because the heaviness over his lungs and stomach spilled out of his pores in the weird sense of relief that Jin’s palm in the dip of his back represented. Taehyung was expecting radiant lava to erupt, but instead, the calming raindrops fell from his gloomy eyes over his dry soul.There was a cup in his hands, he played with the thin and rough threads of plastic under his fingers, rolling and pulling them out, while the hand on his body moved in a similar manner. The water with the fabricated aftertaste of chemicals - Taehyung guessed they were supposed to soften the fizziness of the minerals - whirled every time that familiar hum of the life he experienced last night climbed up to the window that reflected their figures. His eyes got lost on broad roads crowded with cars’ rooftops that played the same scenery of the setting sun. He wondered if he blended the same among the mass of bodies walking down the street a few hours before, that if someone’s eyes behind the glass observed yesterday’s night, he was only a head jumping up and down among the same looking strangers. Not realising Jin’s hotel room faced the west, while he enjoyed the sun rising over his bed, he thought he recognised the street lamps and buildings dressed in the similar coats he passed yesterday. He blinked at the billboards beginning to shine when the same colours of advertisement he set his eyes on from Samuel’s car, lightened up over the shadows. Taehyung couldn’t help, but wonder what the man with angel curls was doing now, if he was pulling up the slack pants from the previous night, ready to baffle a lost stranger with his cheerful laugh and intense stare to shake their world.“Have you ever tried it,’ there was a fog from Taehyung’s warm breath forming when he spoke, it hid behind the blur, that soon started to fade, the city shapes, ‘ignoring your feelings,’ Taehyung wasn’t sure how to frame it, ‘by burning them with pleasure?”He could not only feel, but also see, Jin moving behind him. The sharpness of his chin bored into his shoulder and a yawn stretched around his words: “What do you mean?” the second hand tickled Taehyung on his sides before Jin’s fingers wrapped around the curved handle of his cup. The plastic slipped from his palms and Taehyung was left only with colourful crumbles rolling on his skin and when he opened his fingers, he watched them fall to the ground.“I had sex last night,’ Taehyung started while observing the scabs that were trying to heal, pulsating with memory, ‘because I mistook the feelings for need. I thought if I do it right,’ he took the breath in, ‘it will go away and I will be able to live like Namjoonie hyung. Jimin told me to give the body what it wants, but,’ he drew a line, strangely reminding of a question mark, into the mist on the window, ‘what does it mean when the body was satisfied, yet my heart hurts?”Jin, whose lips teased the edge of the cup, let himself slur the liquid before, and with a satisfactory ahhh, he nodded slowly: “I have,” Taehyung waited until he gulped down the water he again filled his mouth with, but even if Jin’s throat bobbed to push it down, he said nothing more.“Did it work?”A cold drop fell on Taehyung’s neck where the collar of his T-shirt showed his naked skin, making him shiver. When Taehyung turned his head, he saw how once steady hand started to shake, spilling even more water. Despite the answer being written in the way Jin’s eyes watered and his cheeks flushed, he breathed out: “No,” the way his shoulders dropped and his back rounded while his mouth fell open, looked as if the admittance fought its way out after the long war of concealment. And Taehyung again was hit by the wave of their shared mutual understanding. “I still do it,’ Jin met Taehyung’s eyes and after a sad chuckle he answered the unspoken question swaying in them, ‘but it still doesn’t work.”Taehyung furrowed his eyebrows over the miserry trying to scratch at his heart too. “Then why?”“Because I learned,’ Jin reached out to wipe the water dripping to the collar of Taehyung’s T-shirt before it could soak through the fabric, ‘feelings can be overcome only by feelings themself,” he grimaced.Taehyung’s eyes widened when Jin’s lips started to quiver, but, quickly getting a grasp of his own emotions, he pulled the corners of his mouth into a fake half-smile.“You said you wanted to fall in love,” recollected Taehyung and watched Jin nod again.“I spent years chasing this feeling, as you would call it, that it almost became a desire. Sometimes, I can see myself loving them, but then,” he didn’t have to finish the sentence for Taehyung to know what the next words would be.As if a part of him detached from his body, the shadow wearing his face that wavered on the waves of see-thoroughness, left the shell made of bones and muscles in front of his eyes, leaving him in awe. Taehyung watched the ghost like figure moving back while the lights of the day ran across its skin until a shine of moon and stars didn’t reflect on the surface of his eyes. There, he recognised the ocean blue fondness that melted his facial muscles, only to become confused for a while when the blinding gleam began to fade. Now, a new memory brightened Taehyung’s smile, the phantom of gentle touch over his scarred palms made his heart skip a beat and he was about to put arms over himself to bore in that warmth, when the whole imagination vanished into the thick cloud before he had a chance to blink. There were many men who could worship Taehyung with love and he would let them, but every night would become a nightmare as he would awaken to cold buckets of longing for a specific embrace being splashed over his body.“I thought you would tell me what to do,” and not make me watch the future crumbling in front of me before it had a chance to happen.“I thought so too,’ Jin’s shoulders lifted up, ‘but I am afraid I would lead you on the same path of mistakes I am doing.”When Taehyung turned back to the lively city, only his own eyes on the glass - reflected in the room’s yellow light - looked back at him. He extended his arm and reached for curtains falling over the window’s sides.“Life sucks,” he sighed at least, not knowing if the ghost blinking at him, copied the movement of his arm or if Taehyung himself gave in to its wishes. The curtains were drawn close. img src=“https://www.google-analytics.com/collect?v=1&tid=[G-5RFH8TV7PX]

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

The bang of something falling slid into Taehyung’s consciousness and woke him up from his slumber. He lay with his knees touching his chest, boring the sharp bones into his ribcage in an effort to grasp the warmth that slipped away from his dream the moment the sound of reality echoed inside his ears.Taehyung opened his eyes and watched how the room slowly took its familiar shape. For the first time, since they have boarded in United States, he didn’t feel confused about where he was after he woke up. Maybe it was because the memory still felt fresh blaring in his mind like a flashback, or perhaps it had something to do with the weight pushing in the dip of his waist. However, when he looked down, where the blanket covered his body, he saw only crumpled fabric over his hips. He reached out his hand, smoothing out the creases, even playing with the cloth between his fingers, remembering how it felt when it rubbed against his skin when Jin’s palm moved in circles against his stomach, helping him to fall asleep.
”Did I wake you up?” Taehyung’s hand jerked back, as if he got burnt, when someone spoke. He thought the whisper of the same voice lost its way into his dream earlier, but when his mind had been creating pictures inside his fantasy as a response to the stimuli, he couldn’t be really sure.“Yeah… No?” Taehyung himself didn’t understand the slurs his tongue twisted into. He ruffled his hair, pushing back the messy strands falling into his eyes, before he lifted his head.The sight didn’t surprise him, he already became familiar with huffs of breaths mixing with water dropping in the radiator and reaching his ears.Jungkook stood by the wall smoothly merging into an open arch where the small hallway was hiding in the shadows. His upper body was leaning forward while he balanced on one foot and the toes of the other. His arms, lingering in the air, shook slightly, as if he was holding them outstretched for a while.Taehyung felt his head tilt to the side and watched how Jungkook’s chest lifted up at regular intervals. Only when his squinting eyes, still swollen from the sleep, once again stopped at Jungkook’s bare feet, he noticed his own winter boots, lying messily on each side of the room. He coughed awkwardly when he remembered how he kicked them off his feet the first thing when he and Jin entered the hotel room, and wondered if the sound, awaking him from his sleep, was Jungkook’s body tumbling to the ground.Taehyung wanted to apologize but the younger beat him to it: “What are you doing here, hyung?” Jungkook stretched his back and dusted off the white patches on his knees, pointing towards Taehyung still lying between pillows.Taehyung didn’t know what to say, as well as he didn’t understand the blood rushing to his face, nor the sudden urge to bite on his lip in embarrassment. It was nothing out of the ordinary to visit each other’s rooms. They did that all the time back at home.“I was tired.”It was odd to be asked: “My bed is the over there, why are you lying in Jin hyung’s?” when both of them could see the lanky handle of travel back sticking out between closed doors of the small wardrobe, and they knew how happy Taehyung was after buying his first suitcase shortly before flying. Even the jacket hanging on a cloth rack, moved to the wall mirror, looked too wide in the shoulders to belong to Taehyung.“Um,” Taehyung shot a look towards Jungkook’s neatly made-up bed and a giddy sensation whirled inside his stomach when he realised that out of the all beds, even if there really were only two choices, Jungkook chose the one facing the windows, same as him. It made Taehyung wonder if the boy also felt the stabs of betrayal, if the drop of his heart resonated within his nerves, when on the first night after the sun set too soon, neither the stars nor the moon were able to shine through the heavy light smog.“We came to cuddle,” with the drop of left shoulder Taehyung turned on his back. But only after his fingers brushed the empty sheets, his eyebrows scrunched in remembrance and realization, making his mouth open in a small o shape and bury his next words where ‘we’ became irrelevant. When he looked back up, his hand felt like on fire, glazing with flames under the piercing stare of two squinting eyes.Jungkook’s tongue first came to graze over his teeth before it dug into the inner part of his cheek: “Of course,” the bulge under his skin barely moved when he scoffed quietly and shook his head.Perhaps, because the brushes of fantasy, those awake only in Taehyung’s sleep, were still dipping the bristles into colours and painting over his perception, Taehyung didn’t understand what was happening. “Were we supposed to cuddle in your bed?” he asked Jungkook dumbly.“What?’ he was there when all shades of red, starting from light pink, exchanged on Jungkook’s face and he sat there with eyes glued on the boy when they all retreated as his hand came to knead the skin above his nose, ‘No, just, why did you have to cuddle with him?” Jungkook pushed the last word out of his tongue with such force it banged against the gates of Taehyung’s chest. He felt unexplainably offended.“What is that supposed to mean? I can cuddle with whoever I want!” exclaimed Taehyung, pushing back his search for the meaning that had to hide somewhere deep under the layers of riddles Jungkook was speaking in and the chaos that flew up on the surface took the shape of frustration, if not the anger, when he grabbed the blanket, still crumpling over his hips, and lifted it up in one swift and sharp motion. The cloth churned up the air and awoken Taehyung’s dozing mind.He caught the sight of pink muscle before it disappeared and showed up again as a swelling on Jungkook’s cheek.“But you always used to cuddle with me,” if the room wasn’t so small and the walls weren’t so close to each other, the words most likely wouldn’t reach Taehyung’s ears, and once he heard them, he wanted to laugh:“Jungkook, you are being childish,’ the smile pushed Taehyung’s cheeks up so he missed the glare sinking into him, ‘if you want to cuddle, come here,’ Taehyung lifted his hip and patted the mattress, ‘or we can cuddle in your bed,” he grinned, trying to ease the tension emitting from maknae’s twitching body.“Hyung, this is not about some,’ Jungkook looked up and pursed his lips, ‘stupid cuddles,” he groaned, kicking Taehyung’s offending boot into the space between two beds.“Then what?” the swap of emotions felt confusing, if Taehyung didn’t look down, he could imagine playing on a seesaw, pushing from the ground so laugh tickled him and swishing back down in confusing speed.“It’s you! You are always with Jimin hyung or glued to your phone these days. And don't even try to deny going out with Jin hyung in the middle of the night,’ there it was again, ‘I heard him talking to you. And today,’ Taehyung made the mistake of making an effort to catch Jungkook’s gaze, ‘you disappeared before finishing your dinner just to... cuddle with him?" Taehyung's poor boot didn't even have a chance to rest before being kicked again.Taehyung was seething as he watched how the younger thought he could point an accusing finger at him. The audacity of this kid to think he could intimidate him with muscles bulging under the sleeves of his suddenly too tight hoodie! But what really got Taehyung's blood boiling, were not the veins like roots stretching under the grey fabric - even if Taehyung obviously noticed them - nor the fists as the result of the anger clear in his eyes, it was the way his body was betraying him, reacting to the situation before he could even think. He cursed himself for not standing up to Jungkook's selfishness and hot temper when he got to know him. It was all his fault, and now he was paying the price. Regret gnawed at him as he realized the gravity of the situation.“Jungkookie, I don’t know what you are thinking,’ it was his pliant mind trying to submit that raised up Taehyung’s hands in defence, ‘but it’s nothing like that.”“How then?” snapped Jungkook back with fire instead of saliva, making Taehyung flinch. The reaction was instant, the shame spiralled into the weight of disappointment his father would slap him with if he saw how pathetically he lifted his shoulders and placed his hands over his face in a makeshift shield.“I-‘ Taehyung was glad to find his voice still vibrating at the back of his throat, ‘I am,” but no matter how hard he tried to put the words into the explanatory equations without revealing too much, they slammed against his teeth lacking the sense.“There’s a lot going on with me,’ the need to lift the weight of his chest started to feel addicting, especially after he discovered it was not really a burden pushing on his head, ‘I don’t know how to feel like my old self, and I am not ready to’ Taehyung pressed over the momentary freedom of heaviness where his heart was beating, ‘become this new me, but Jin hyung, he understands me.”“That’s it?”“What do you mean by that’s it, Jungkook-ah, I know you don’t think of me as your hyung, but you don’t even know what I am going through, so stop being rude!”They were arguing without a single pause to take a breath or prop a thought.“Of course I don’t know,’ Jungkook cried out while throwing his hands in the air and grasping Taehyung’s heaviness, ‘because you don’t tell me a thing! I can understand you too!”“You can’t, even if I-”“This again?’ Jungkook roared and smacked his tights, ‘Just stop it, hyung!”“Jungkookie?”“I am fucking tired of you treating me as a child!’ Jungkook looked around as if searching for another thing that could take the impact of the tip of his shoe and fly across the room in his own exasperation, ‘This is what it is about right?’ he asked but once again forgot to wait for the answer that could possibly ground him, ‘Ever since that night, you just stopped telling me anything.”“But I really can’t tell you, Jungkookie.”“Why?’ Jungkook breathed out, and as the mask of the furious, greedy man flickered when an invisible hand lightened up the small hallway leading into the room where they both were staying, the rawness of emotions beneath opened Taehyung’s eyes. But before Taehyung could utter something, Jungkook looked behind his shoulder and caught his breath sooner than it could reach Taehyung’s lungs:“No,’ he whispered, ‘you know what, forget it. Talk to hyung if you need, I don’t care.”Jungkook's sudden outburst left Taehyung stunned. He watched as his friend spun around and stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him.“What’s the kid’s problem?” murmured Jin as he crossed the line of parquet floor dividing the bedroom from the hallway.Taehyung shook his head, unsure of what had just happened. What had gotten into Jungkook? He knew he needed to talk to him.***Taehyung didn’t sleep well. Even if the hot shower helped his sore aching muscles, the throbbing inside his head remained. If he put his fingers over his temples, he would be able to feel the quick pulsating moving with his skin, possibly faster than the rapid beating of his heart when he accidentally switched the shower faucet wrong and the freezing water hit his shoulders like hailstones during a summer storm.He wiped the steam collected on the mirror with the back of his forearm and through the narrow strip that was again reflecting light, he saw his own swollen and bloodshot eyes looking back at him. With a heavy sigh, Taehyung gazed down at his hands trembling on the edge of the sink. Its coldness, touching the droplets on his hot skin, dried around the marks of poorly rinsed body wash his soapy fingers left.It was difficult to follow the streams of thoughts his mind woke up with and in order to not wear himself out when a new day was only about to rise, he shook his head, letting the wet strands slap his cheeks.“Taehyung-ah!’ a light knock on the bathroom door accompanied by the call of his name disrupted his already churning up musings even more, ‘I am heading to breakfast. Do you want to join me?”It took three seconds to translate the vibrations of sounds falling onto Taehyung's clogged ears into words. And when the fourth one started to tick, another knock popped the bubbles somewhere deep inside his ear canals.“Sure, hyung!” Taehyung threw behind his shoulder, hoping the sharp yell would squeeze through the keyhole or maybe find its way through the gaps in the walls.He glanced back towards the mirror, but his breath already fogged the narrow strip he wiped earlier. He was so pale that it became impossible to tell the difference between the blur of white glassy paint of tiles and his face, only the darkness of his hair was seeping through. Taehyung pinched his cheeks, hoping for rose pink to appear, however, his blood felt frozen inside his veins.“Just gimme a few,” Taehyung mumbled almost inaudibly.*Step your foot into the hotel’s restaurant and you would be greeted by the true human character. Sun was there to help you, refracting the night when it broke through the glass of wide windows. Where it caressed with its rays, there was a group of guests fighting over the most deliciously looking pastry or the juiciest sausage. Where it picked up the particles of dust, there were experienced hands sneaking a chair from the round table, when no one was looking, to sit down all of their friends.Taehyung was walking one step behind Jin, holding onto the cloth of his baggy T-shirt and letting himself be pulled through the people who were stumbling over the long tablecloths stretching on the ground. The sweet smell of freshly baked bread and the salty aroma of meat that was attacking their sensitive noses already before Jin’s hands pushed open the double door was now mixing with the tangy odour of mass of human bodies or the various aromas of body washes of those who took shower in the morning. Despite it, Taehyung’s stomach sang with joy, already in its own flavorful imagination.“Look at all that food,’ whispered Jin with excitement matching Taehyung’s, already taking two plastic trays and eating with his eyes while his hands reached for the food, ‘I don’t know about you, but I am definitely not complaining.”Filling their simple trays with dishes of all shapes, sizes and colours until their hands didn't begin to tremble, they eagerly sat around the round table, scratching the lines of impatience with their chairs’ legs.Taehyung was startled when loud, heavy steps coming from behind him stirred up the warm milk inside his bowl. When he lifted his head, he half expected his members, with minds still fogged from night sleep and lines from pillow creases imprinted across their cheeks, smiling at him from behind their own hills of breakfast, but an unfamiliar figure of bulky man approached their table. Taehyung's spoon froze midair and white milk along with the chocolate balls spilt back onto his cereals. Taehyung raised his eyebrow in a silent question, watching with bewilderment as the man wordlessly took the last empty chair and strode away. He watched his retreating back until it didn't disappear in the morning’s chaotic crowd.“When was the last time we ate so much? Such a shame we are leaving already,’ Jin chewed out the words, collecting the crumbs stuck in the corners of his mouth with his tongue, ‘Look at this belly, hyung is gaining some weight,” even if his vocal cords jumped with laugh, it came out with a strangely tensed aftertaste. And as if the stiff tones of Jin’s laughter weren’t enough, a leg shot in the air, lifting the weighty cloth and brushing past Taehyung’s shin. Taehyung took notice of Jin’s hand rubbing his own stomach in great circles as if he was trying to convince him that where his fingers dipped and traced along the curve of his waist was fat instead of air and stretchy fabric.“Hyung, you look the same as always,” said Taehyung and stirred the lukewarm milk, watching how chocolate balls spun in the white whirlpool, oddly taking the shape of Jin’s lips closing into an O.“Oh, do I? I don’t know, my pants feel somehow tighter?” there was a smack when the elastic band slipped from Jin’s thumb back and hit his flat stomach, ‘But, do you know what? I am happy about it. Our bodies change and there’s nothing wrong with that.”“Yeah…” Taehyung nodded cautiously.“Really, dieting so much, that can’t be healthy.”“Hyung, I know,’ the big spool Taehyung was holding, clanged when it hit the bottom of his porcelain bowl, ‘But I think you got it all wrong. I heard what Namjoon said yesterday. It’s not about food. I am eating well!” protested Taehyung and scooped up the saggy cereal balls whose dark chocolate brown began to fade, oozing out onto the waves of the calming surface of his now cold milk.Either Jin didn’t listen to him, or he refused to believe him, “I said nothing yesterday, but I saw what you were doing,’ his throat bobbed when he gulped down, trying to take the climbing up screams under control, ‘with your hands. Taehyung-ah, what was it then? It wasn’t the first time, was it?” he followed Taehyung’s gaze, setting on the shaking steel utensil in the unsteady grasp of Taehyung’s hand.“It’s not about my body,’ shuddered Taehyung brokenly, ‘It is a feeling? It feels as if an impostor was living inside me who makes me think and do all of those things. I was just trying to…,’ he raised up his empty hand from under the table, gesturing towards the bottom of his ribcage and up to his mouth, ’you know.”“It sounds crazy, I get it,” Taehyung let the spoon slip from his weak grasp and as the light brown milk splashed when the rounded surface grazed over the white liquid, a few sweet drops fell on his parted lips. He sighed, averting Jin’s gaze, too scared of what he would find there.“Never, Taehyung, never,” but with whatever words was Jin trying to assure him the monster bouncing happily in his stomach was real and not just an excuse he was trying to mask his real self behind, it was evident he didn’t believe him.All Taehyung could do was close his mouth around the wide metal and bite on his cereals which became too soft for his liking. He chewed slowly and methodically, not knowing what else to do in the presence of heavy silence where the buzz of life faded away.Jin rubbed his fingers against each other, getting rid of the crumbs stuck there by the greasiness of the butter. But neither his empty plate nor used napkins stroke Taehyung’s attention. It was the low grunt which knocked on Taehyung’s anxiety, twice, “You know, I was thinking. What would you say about meeting Hyungu?”Unsure if it was safe to let out the begging exhale of relief yet, Taehyung cleared his throat, “Who?”“Ah, you know, my date,” stated Jin casually and flicked the last tiny piece of his sandwich off his pinky.“The man you said you are with for a year?”“Yeah h- Oh, Jungkookie! Good morning!”Maybe because Jungkook’s step has always been light on the floor, despite his massive black boots, unlike the stranger’s from earlier, Taehyung didn’t hear him creep up on them, or perhaps the reason was a lot simpler, being Taehyung’s confused, expecting mind focused purely on Jin’s words.His eyebrows, knitted together, quickly raised up causing his forehead to wrinkle as soon as he heard his dongseang’s name. It would be a lie if he claimed the honest doe eyes weren’t already on his mind, watching him from behind. So his first reaction was to jerk and curl up, instinctively trying to guard off any potential danger by building up his protective barriers. He got scared that Jin managed to outsmart his guards and found his way through the maze of his brain.But Jin kept talking, tilting his head and his gaze slipped past Taehyung’s shoulder as if he was suggesting a real materialisation of Taehyung’s imagination stood there, “I see the bad mood hasn’t really left you since yesterday?”Taehyung turned around, faster than every movement he took today, when he heard a familiar hum, no too far from his ear. Jungkook was standing at the spot where the third chair used to be, his head bowed and half of his face covered by the bucket hat, pulled down so low it was almost touching the bridge of his nose. His oversized hoodie matching the colour of his boots made him appear as if a giant shadow came to life.“Jungkook-ah,” if there was something that has never felt too drained, even if Taehyung’s limbs refused to move no matter how nice he asked them, it was his imagination, braved shielded by his scalp. Not once Taehyung wondered if it would blast free, representing a whiff of colours he perceived the world as, if a doctor’s tool drilled a hole in his head. It sometimes liked to test his addiction, but Taehyung has never been an abstinent, when it spilled the glass of fantasy or delusions over his eyes. And as they slowly became drunk on his desires he had to grasp onto reality with his remaining senses. Same as now, when he didn’t feel the tingling inside his muscles but he surely saw his hand waving in front of his eyes. He also thought his mouth opened into the boy’s name but he became unsure when Jungkook didn’t even acknowledge him.“Um let me-” Jin coughed embarrassingly and his hands began hurriedly scooping up his belongings from the table while he looked around the overcrowded hotel restaurant, but another of Jungkook’s low hum stopped him,“It’s fine, hyung. I will find another place’ a smile that for sure had to mean reassurance, lightened up his features cast by a shadow of his hat, ‘and people to eat with. I am sure you two,’ Jungkook painted an invisible circle with his palms over both Taehyung and Jin, ’don’t want to be interrupted,” and before they had a chance to collect the meaning of what he said, they were hit by a gust of cold air. Jungkook spun on his heels and vanished the same way as he appeared, in the blink of an eye. A dear ache, with reminiscence of the previous night, tugged at Taehyung's heart and prodded his mouth open.“So,’ Jin awkwardly put his tray back down, ‘What do you say?” the question resonated inside Taehyung’s ears like a powerful crack of snapping fingers“Uhm,’ he got out a sound, ‘I am not sure, ‘Taehyung was still staring, transfixed, at the spot where now a couple was trying to sooth, with the last ounce of their patience, their son throwing a fit, as if hoping the black fabric would suddenly come into view, grazing along the couple’s skin. He blinked and twitched when a hand landed on his shoulder.“I mean, why?” “Please don’t get angry with me. I was speaking with Hyungu about you. You know how these things sometimes slip past your lips,' Jin mimicked the signature laugh Hoseok used to fill up embarrassing situations with when a silence stretched out for way too long."Anyways,' he began again after clasping his hands together, 'You know how I am, not the best at giving advice. I usually end up making jokes when a situation gets too serious.
But we both believe,' Jin coughed awkwardly, lowering the tone of his voice before he continued to speak as if he was reading a prepared speech from a piece of paper, 'it might be helpful for you if you met someone from the community, besides me, who can offer you support and understanding. Hyungu is a very kind and comforting person. He understands how hard life can be sometimes, better than anyone else that I know."Jin probably became aware of the pressure he put on Taehyung's unprepared shoulders because he quickly added, “Of course only if you want, I am not pressuring,” the sweat that covered Jin's hands made his palms so slick that when they grabbed Taehyung's trembling hands and gave his fingers a gentle squeeze, it felt like they were about to slide away because of all the moisture.“No, it’s alright, hyung,' Taehyung pulled out his thumb from under the tight clutch and stroked the sticky, pliant skin around Jin's knuckles, 'I would like to meet your special friend someday, only,' he hesitated, 'can I get some time to think this through?   ***Taehyung wasn’t someone who delved into his drawer that opened only with a secret key and pulled out a worn-out book with pages wavy from spilt tea and blurs of diffused ink from his tears. However, that didn’t mean he didn’t like how the sharp tip of his grandma’s fountain pen slid across a glossy paper with ease or that he didn’t spend hours crying over glimpses of memories. He just wasn’t a fan of overused expressions like ‘Dear diary’ or ‘Today was just another ordinary day’, he found them soulless and boring.Taehyung pressed on the cap of his brass pen until he didn’t hear the satisfying click and set it down on the tray table folded down above his knees. He watched it roll on the plastic until the metal clip didn’t stop it only a millimetre from the thin silky paper contrasting on a black background. He almost couldn’t resist and brushed the shiny and still wet letters of his handwriting with the ball of his index finger when the need to feel the slightly raised up ink twitched with his muscles. He picked up the freshly printed-out photograph from his beloved polaroid camera that he connected to his phone and waved it in the air, listening to the swishing sound the photo paper made when it bent back and forth. He smiled over the rays of dispersed light coming through the rounded plane window, drawing a rainbow on the white surface, before he turned it around.Taehyung still didn’t like the picture. He felt disappointed and his expression turned sour while his eyes ran across the chaos of blending colours and shaky lines surrounded by disturbing flashes of red and yellow plane lights. But more than the awkwardly sharp edges of each tiny pixel, he hated the memory the photo held, blaring the contrast between love and hate:The tingling of excitement from his first step on the foreign country soil still resonated within his bones, but as it crawled closer to his heart, it turned intense, violent and cold, soaking up his blood;The faith of the gained support that spread its wings over Taehyung’s falling shoulders and which blasted in the shape of a feverishly hot flame of the forbidden pleasure in Samuel’s embrace, now flew away and left him falling into a void;But mostly, what finally snatched away the flapping plaster, was the smiling face of the boy posing a V sign whose moles Taehyung used to count. He quickly wiped the pathetic tears gathering under his eyes when the joyful tones of Jungkook’s laugh changed into his recent angry yells.Taehyung crumpled the insulting photograph until it didn’t become just an untidy mess of creases and folds and tossed it in his travel bag.He stood up, ignoring Yoongi's questioning gaze in between the seats ahead of him, and disappeared into the dark hollows of the plane cabin.“Hyung,’ Taehyung whispered close to Jin’s ear, holding the thin swaying wire of Jin’s earphones between his fingers, ‘can I talk to you?”Jin looked up, groggy and surprised, his eyes fluttered in a disoriented manner while he tried to figure out where had gone the passionate tones of Adele’s powerful voice, that were now a muffled humming hovering around Taehyung’s head.“O-of course,’ he said rather warily, as he stuck out his head from beyond Taehyung’s side before he patted the empty seat by the window, ‘What is it?”“About what you said during breakfast,’ Taehyung scanned his surroundings, taking in the sight of Hoseok's breathy snores and the rhythmic bobbing of Jimin's head to the blaring music within his ears, ‘The Hyungu thing? I was thinking about it,’ he confessed as he plopped down, ‘and I agree. I would like to meet him.”Jin’s face brightened up with a smile, clearing the previous distraction fogging all his attention, “That is great, Taehyung-ah. He will be happy to hear that. I talked about you so much,” he chuckled.“Oh, really?” Taehyung squirmed on his seat uncomfortably and looked down on his knees, fighting the embarrassment crawling up his neck and cheeks, still in doubt whether he liked it or not.The door leading to the cramped plane bathroom, where one can watch how their own urine swung and twirled around the walls of a steel toilet bowl during turbulences, opened and closed with the same click, getting Taehyung’s attention. His face paled with slowly, but not steadily, growing horror and dread as someone’s horrendous, although unmistakable, pair of giant boots slammed against the navy blue carpet of the narrow plane corridor.Jungkook took one, two and finally three steps, before a pair of his heavy eyes, with shadows waiting to be slept off until the circles wouldn't fade out and disappear, sent him a glare from under the rich strands of his chopped bangs sticking to his forehead under pressure of stiff fabric of the black bucket hat. Taehyung ached to move, but he wished to sublime and escape through gaps in windows as an imperfect form of vapour even more.“Yes, I should-”“Hey, hyung,’ Taehyung’s impatient words drowned out whatever breathless excitement was hiding in Jin’s voice, ‘can I stay here?”“Uh, Namjoon was supposed to,’ Jin cut himself off, then gestured towards where Taehyung was seated, ‘but, you know what?’ he placed his hand close to his mouth and whispered, ‘Please stay, I am trying to avoid him the whole day,” leaning towards Taehyung, while his eyes followed the figure of their leader smiling politely at the steward standing by the first row of seats, Jin scoffed.Taehyung chortled as a response. img src=“https://www.google-analytics.com/collect?v=1&tid=[G-5RFH8TV7PX]

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

December 2015
Taehyung could feel his palms sweating. He knew this feeling, it mostly happened when his heart was about to escape the borders of his chest while he was standing with his quivering knees under the five industrial stairs, that made that clanging sound every time someone stepped on them, leading up to the stage that, with how small Taehyung usually felt, seemed to be endless. It also occurred as a natural reaction when his high school teacher called out his name and he was forced to stand up in front of the entire class while his panicking mind rummaged through the stacked-up memory boxes, only to find the formula of Archimedes’ principle under hundreds of the adorable cat videos he watched the night before. In one word, Taehyung was nervous, walking on the thin string of rope fifty meters above the deadly highway instead of sitting in the safety of four walls and four windows of the steel cage on the wheels closing around him and speeding up on the same road. He brought his hands to his legs and inspected the smooth textile hugging his tights so tightly it prevented the flesh from shaking every time the car’s wheels rolled through the road’s unevenness. Taehyung felt hot and uncomfortable, his fingers were boring into slick material, trying to cut through the firm resistance, but the leather didn’t surrender in its quality, no bits of rolled-up fabric were staying behind his nails and pushing on the raw tissue. And oh, how much he wished it would just give up under his blunt nails. If he could scratch a hole where it has been stretching around the flexion of his knee, just a tiny one, but still wide enough so his thumb could slip past its round edges and move left and right until the threads wouldn’t snap around his finger, showing the bruises tinting his skin. Maybe then, with a dishevelled presence, Jin would wrap him into a blanket before shouting at their company driver to turn the steering wheel.Taehyung didn’t feel as sure as a week ago, sitting next to Jin on a Namjoon’s seat accompanied by turbulences, he wondered what made his chin rise up in confidence, and if it really was his hand that drew a black shadow around his eyes an hour and a half back. Taehyung felt overdressed in Jin’s expensive pants, bent in a hem to fit his height, and he rather avoided searching for his reflection in the rear mirror as his over-lined eyes made him look like a fool. “Hyung,” Taehyung choked out, struggling to keep his hands calm, he wanted to believe only one layer of stubbornness was keeping him away from the saved evening. Jin turned his head slowly, his gaze was now tickling Taehyung’s cheek, the vapour of his breath fogging his nerves before they again didn’t find their way into a panic.Taehyung inhaled sharply, keeping the air trapped inside his lungs, he looked sideways, but was unable to move a muscle in his neck. “I don’t know anymore,” his voice came out shaky, slowly giving up into cries the anxiety loved to remind itself of. There was a rustling falling on his ears and shortly after, Jin’s fingers grabbed him by his chin, already trembling as his lips failed to keep his mouth from sobs. Taehyung didn’t put up a fight, he more felt like a doll pieced together from old cloths and rags, stitched tightly where his stuffed, round head merged into a floaty body. He watched Jin’s throat bobbing behind the fashionable scarf he wrapped around his neck and sighed over the effortlessness emitting from his beauty. Jin gave him a tight smile but he hardly masked the flush of excitement on his skin. It hasn’t disappeared since they landed at the Korean airport seven days ago. And since both of their hands wrapped around their passports in a silent gesture of ‘finally home’, everything has been about Hyungu. His name was falling from Jin’s tongue so often, that Taehyung felt like he knew him, despite never seeing his face or hearing his voice. “Nervous?” asked Jin, looking through his soul-penetrating glasses. His fingers pushed on his skin, making his lips form a pout.Taehyung’s shoulders fell, getting lost in his oversized coat, “It doesn’t make sense, I know,’ he shuddered, ‘Hyungu is just awesome, right, he will understand, right?” Taehyung basically summed up Jin’s poem in a few breaths. “It’s alright to be nervous. I can, uhm,’ Jin let go of his face to bring his hand inside his jacket pocket, ‘call him that-”“No!’ said Taehyung louder than he intended to and forced the stuck-up breath out of his mouth, ‘You wanted to see him so bad,’ he shook his head, ‘I just don’t want to mess things up, you know?” Taehyung didn’t realise his thoughts were falling off his mouth.“Taetae,’ a sudden nickname teased Taehyung’s ears, ‘there’s nothing you can mess up, Hyungu heard it all,” smiled Jin secretly.“Are you sure he won’t think I am,’ Taehyung looked around and caught a glimpse of his eyeliner-framed eyes screaming at him in an overthinking through the rear mirror, ‘weird or anything? I don’t have a lot of experience being,’ he bore his gaze into the driver's head, ‘you know,” he caught a bottom lip between his teeth. Jin’s eyebrows pulled together forming a perfect line over his deep eyes that ran across Taehyung’s troubled face in an emotion which, if Taehyung wasn’t too busy taking care of the anxiety climbing up the ladder that was leaning against the door leading inside his heart, would make him worry. “What if I say something wrong? Or wouldn’t know what to talk about?’ Taehyug shook his head from left to right, the questions cleared the path for his biggest worry, ‘What if I don’t fit in?” he whispered. “Tae, listen,’ sighed Jin, the safety belt extended as he turned his torso towards him, ‘You are an easygoing person, everyone falls in love with you, everyone wants to be your friend. Being gay,’ said Jin bravely, ignoring the awkward cough coming from the driver’s seat, ‘isn’t the only defining factor of our personalities. It doesn’t come with a rulebook on how to be one either,’ their knees were touching now, the hard bones bumped against each other when a foot stepped on a break, ‘Think of it as a detail we all have in common. Like a hobby,’ said Jin, making Taehyung scoff, ‘You like an art, right? And you have friends who are as passionate about it as you are, but that doesn’t mean you all have to like the same artists. It is that essence that connects you.And remember, Hyungu is aware that it is your first time, so he’ll understand any nervousness.”Taehyung looked up from their joined knees, grasping the little confidence as if it was the heat of a sun shushing the ravishing storm. “Thank you, hyung. Thank you for being here for me. I appreciate it.”“Anytime, Tae.”*When Taehyung found himself stepping over the threshold of the place hiding the forbidden pleasure in a shabby corner, with a bell whose song faded out in the yells full of enthusiasm, he instantly felt all eyes on him, reaching past the collar of the jacket he probably wouldn’t ever see again, forgotten on the floor of the tiny New York’s apartment over the railway station.When the heavy door got over the bump dividing the scrubbed bricks of the pavement and the polished tiles of the warm tea shop, welcoming them inside with a sweet smell of freshly baked pastry and the bitter one of a strong black coffee pushing to the foreground in dominance, he felt the same.Taehyung’s hands, pulling at the loose strings of his winter hat, crumpled the woollen fabric into an unrecognizable ball full of a ticklish mess of the fuzz growing around the pompom, while he stood by the showcase window and watched the small fluffs of falling snow melting sooner before they could touch the ground.A little child, no older than five, hopping in his mother's arms, leaned out of the safety of her tight embrace to catch the glistening dust in his baby palm. The boy smiled and his eyes became two crescents casting a delight over the chubbiness of his face, emphasized by the strings tied in a bow under his chin, that pushed the fat past the ear flaps framing his face. His pouted lips moved, pushing back to show the crooked set of his milk teeth when he no longer could hold back the adorable giggles scrunching up his button nose. The boy observed the complex of fragile icicles covered in sprinkles of spikes absorbing into the fibres of his knitted gloves and raised his hand when the winter sun melted it completely. When through the gaps between his fingers he caught a glimpse of Taehyung’s face swimming behind the glass, his small shoulders jumped in surprise. He pointed at him with a child’s boldness behind his gesture, screaming something to his mother. However, the young lady pushed his arm down and shook her head, throwing a brief glance at the sign hanging over the entrance. And Taehyung, squinting at her thin lips, trembling in the freezing drift of the wind, could almost hear the sound falling off her mouth. CLOSED, read the letters shaped together into a simple word.There were days, when Taehyung, while easing the T-shirt threats with a scissors’ blade until they didn’t give up into holes, with a vision to make his clothes don’t look so bland, imagined how fame would look like on his skin, secretly hoping he was standing on the final step under the door that led straight to the paparazzi’s cameras’ next target.For some reason, a private tea time in the vacant shop didn’t occur to his mind as one of the possibilities, not even after their faces have been printed on the front pages, after the successful closure of their first travel behind the borders, of the most famous magazines in their country over a week now.“Tae-yah!”A light over his head lighted up just as the owner, to whom they bowed as soon as they shut the cruel weather behind their backs, pulled at the string and turned over the blinds.Taehyung shot a look behind his shoulder, taking in the sight of Jin’s outstretched hand calling at him. A shy smile, lifting up the outer corners of his eyes, softened up Jin’s features and Taehyung’s gaze stopped at the stranger standing by his side, with an arm over Jin’s waist, patting his hip gently.Taehyung could feel the surprise pulling his jaw down and the dry irritating smell of wood burning in the fireplace at the other side of the tea shop and stopping his shivers, got down his throat, choking him.Hyungu looked nothing like Taehyung imagined him. He wasn’t sure if the heaviness of his winter jacket weighed him down so much that his shoulders barely reached past Jin’s collarbones, but he was without a doubt shorter by a few centimetres than his hyung. If he stood up in front of him, the coal-black strands of his hair tied at the crown of his head into a simple man bun would tickle him under a nose.  But despite his small build and lack of toned muscles, he appeared intimidating, and Taehyung, again, didn’t know if it was because of the fierce aura radiating from his narrow eyes dominating over his features or only the flames in the fireplace, dancing behind his back, painted him into this light. Nevertheless, once Hyungu caught Taehyung staring, it melted away with a friendly smile tugging with the trimmed beard adoring his cheeks and chin, same as the snow on the pavement behind the blinds, and he came closer to the Hyungu Taehyung pieced together from Jin’s stories.When the man pulled away to take a step around the table, the, unexpected among the simple shades of grey and blue, smudge of red attract Taehyung’s attention.
“Really?” Taehyung’s lips rubbed against each other and his brow jerked up in an amusement. He found himself busy following how the heel of Hyungu’s red Converse hit the tiles with a dull thud echoing off the walls, before he shifted his weight on the wide expanse of the shoe’s sole and bent his knee to push forward off his toes while the second of the familiar red pair was already lingering in the air.When Hyungu stilled - the rubbery toe-cap, that couldn’t really pride itself about its whiteness, tapping only a tiny step before Taehyung could feel his own toes crushing under the man’s weight - and reached out his open hand, waiting for him to take it in between his palms, Taehyung murmured, “Nice shoes,” and bowed his head in the humble greet. He glanced between the gap where Hyungu’s bent arm met his side and saw Jin’s shoulders shaking from the suppressed laughter, for sure remembering now the picture he had sent him back in New York.    *Taehyung had to admit he was wrong. And wasn’t it such a great admittance, the best one, relieving even.The speakers high above their heads, most likely hidden behind the colourful chains made of decorative paper rolled into tubes, mimicking the Christmas garlands, were whirling the jingly tones of Christmas carols right into their ears. That alleviating feeling, as if someone grabbed and threw away the rock pushing on Taehyung’s worries, streamed down his body when he watched how Hyungu’s head bowed to the rhythm of the melody while he appeared absolutely relaxed. If Taehyung had a chance, and powers, to look past Hyungu’s eyes, squinching with the sparkles of joy, the first word he imagined he would use to describe the current state of his soul, would be uplifted, carried away by the notes written on the music sheets as if he could see them jumping with melody every time a singer’s finger rang on the string.“Babe,” Taehyung blinked upon hearing the man speaking, falling back from under the Christmas tree. It took him a while to see past the red hats and knitted socks, but once his eyes settled on the couple sitting opposite him, the sight made him blush. He shifted on his seat and pressed on his tights with the heel of his palms to rub off the awkwardness making him grind his teeth.“Babe,’ repeated Hyungu, leaning towards Jin’s stiff figure, he bumped their shoulders together, earning himself a short glance and a stern smile, ‘try this, you won’t regret,” Hyungu was already eagerly scooping up the chocolate cake, which spongy dough gave up under the dull edge of his little fork when he pressed on it. Jin opened his mouth, probably ready to protest, if the way his hands shot in the air to push on Hyungu’s forearm didn’t speak loudly enough, but he choked and the unclear sounds left his mouth when the metal clang against his teeth.“-yunn…” Jin flashed him a glare, now not only putting a fight with Hyungu’s naughty intentions but also with the big piece of moist bread inside his mouth. Nonetheless, his jaws chewed the cake with vigour while his lips pulled into an upset pout, making Hyungu chuckle from amusement.Jin stuck out his tongue too soon, most likely feeling the sweet and sticky melted chocolate running down from the corner of his lips. And while Jin has always been a messy eater, there usually was someone who would toss a napkin on his face to hide the munched and in saliva coated bites of food before they lost their appetite. Yet, it seemed to be safe to say that Hyungu was not just someone. The man’s smile only grew, brightening up the glint on the surface of his eyes, he brought his index finger to the remains of topping on the plate and, coating the tip in the warm chocolate, his digit disappeared behind the plump lips.“Oopsie,” he giggled.Taehyung had never experienced a heat stroke when the temperatures refused to move the crimson dense liquid above zero, not until now. He wished the backrest of his chair was higher so he could bang his head against it from an embarrassment quickly spreading on his face and killing everything calm. He was burning. The desperate fanning with the collar of his shirt didn’t go unnoticed when it was soon his name wetting Hyungu’s lips.“Taehyung-ssi,’ he put down the dirty tissue, grazing it along Jin’s chin and leaving a smudge of brown on his skin, ‘would you like to try it too?’ his elbow once again met the soft flesh of Jin’s arm, ‘Sooki-yah, it was the most delicious cake you have ever eaten, right?”The difference between the usage of Taehyung’s whole name and the soft-spoken nickname Hyungu teased Jin with, despite it possibly slipping past his mind subconsciously, was too obvious in Taehyung’s ears.“I forgot how embarrassing you can be, hyung,” groaned Jin.Taehyung was sure his eyeballs fell off his eye sockets, swinging on the strong cords of nerves a few centimetres above the table and his steaming tea when blood tore the thin vessels under the skin of Jin’s cheeks and painted them hot pink. Taehyung tried to, he really did, but he wasn’t able to come onto the surfaces with at least one moment when Jin placed both of his hands over his eyes to mask his shyness.“Were we away from each other for so long?” he asked rhetorically, putting a finger on his chin, Hyungu pretended to be thinking.“Whatever, just,’ Jin finally lifted up his eyes, only to flick his head towards Taehyung, he didn’t look so surprised to already see him staring, ‘don’t call me like that when…”“Why?” Hyungu was back to poke Jin’s arm again and Taehyung's head was spinning from the number of touches the couple exchanged in the short amount of time. He followed Jin’s gaze, gifting Taehyung with a big gleaming smile that stretched his mouth so much that dimples appeared on his cheeks.“Taehyung-ssi, you don’t mind, do you?’ Hyungu laughed, not paying any attention to the small ‘Oh,’ leaving Taehyung’s throat with a heavy breath of realisation, ‘I heard Jeon Jungkook can compete with me in the number of nicknames he has for you, after all.”If a mortification had a sound with which its appearance was accompanied, it would probably be something close to a vacuum of deafening noise which absorbed all the happenings outside the membrane, and as soon as they touched the pulsating layer, they burst into the thuds of wild heart, pumping sighs inside ears. Well, at least, that was how shame usually felt on Taehyung’s skin, and judging by the quickly rising up chest where the outline of a beating organ could be almost seen, Jin’s experience had to be similar to his.Only Taehyung didn’t mind, when he closed the door of their company car, shutting the safety and nearing towards another where everything new was luring, he did so without any mask, coat or shield.What made him tilt his head and squint instead, was the assurance with which Hyungu said the lies, “Jungkookie doesn’t give me nicknames?” it came out as a question.Jin collected himself a way too quickly, snorting into the confusing silence, “Oh, right, he greets me with ‘hello, bear,’ or ‘how’s the most handsome man doing?’ every day. What a common occurrence.”Taehyung hid the blush behind the mug he raised to his lips, taking a sip of hot liquid and blinking off the tears of pain when the burning tea irritated the sensitive walls of his throat. “Whatever,’ he hissed, ‘I don’t want to talk about Jungkook,” Taehyung pursed his lips and locked up all emotions pulling at his facial muscles, ready to betray him. For that to happen, Jungkook would have to want to talk to him at first. And the forced formal bows of acknowledgement didn’t count.“Jin hyung told me, that you can help me, Hyungu-ssi,” Taehyung’s voice was small when it touched the plead coming from the bottom of his stomach. He guessed the embarrassment over Hyungu’s slip of the tongue was enough for an icebreaker.*They were alone, him and Hyungu, playing with the lid of soda, sending it with one flick of fingers along the rubbery tablecloth. As it brushed over its surface, it left a wet trail of fizzy drink with popping bubbles behind, before a palm didn’t catch it, slamming it against the table and bending the aluminium on its thin walls.Jin was kneeling by the fireplace, the sleeves of his winter sweater were pulled out and his boots were drying on the mat by the entrance door, while he was helping the owner pull out the Christmas decorations from their cartoon boxes, fighting with the protective foil that nearly caught the fire when he finally managed to throw it away from his from the static-electricity sticking skin.“Noona is my best friend, the owner,’ pointed out Hyungu when he noticed the wrinkle of confusion between Taehyung’s eyebrows, ‘and she likes Sooki, she befriended him almost immediately after I introduced them,” his eyelids closed for a whole second as he took in the sight of his boyfriend wrapping a ticklish garland around the owner’s neck. And Taehyung wondered what memories he was watching that made him smile so sweetly.“Noona!” he called, lifting up his hand in the air and when the woman turned around, the laugh still present behind the rose of her cheeks, he asked, “call me when it’s the time to place the star.”Taehyung saw how the owner’s shoulders jumped when she scoffed, as if her whole body was judging Hyungu’s poor hundred and seventy-three centimetres, “I didn’t bring a ladder this year!” she shouted back, spinning around when Jin’s hand pulled at the end of her makeshift scarf and hit his shoulder.“Sooki,’ started Hyungu again, still watching the scene happening in front of the fireplace, ‘probably told you it wasn’t always like this,’ he took a breath in, playing with the swirling oxygen inside, before he released it with a tired, ‘carefree, easy,” he emphasized, letting the exhale to fade out.“Jin hyung, he didn’t really reveal much about your relationship,’ Taehyung bit on his bottom lip, ‘although,’ a hot air from his mouth brushed past his teeth, ‘he talked about you a lot, Hyungu-ssi,” he said truthfully.“Hyung,’ Hyungu lifted up his hand, ‘just call me a hyung, please.”“H-hyung,” Taehyung bent his head politely but his eyes have never left Hyungu’s face.“Taehyung-ah,” he showed his teeth and dimples bored the cutest holes in his skin, framing the corners of his mouth.Taehyung wrapped his fingers around the glass bottle and poured the remains of soda into Hyungu’s empty cup, making the older man chuckle, “You are a great dongseang, Taehyung-ah,’ with his finger he spun the glass, letting it throw the flashes of light, until it didn’t stop a bit from the edge, ‘better than my younger sister. But I guess it’s more my mother’s fault when she made her pour vodka to the gentlemen when she was just seven,” something dark glistened on the surface of his eyes before he blinked it away and brought the rounded rim to his lips. “But she’s probably better now, my sister, it’s been years,” he broke off to gulp down the sugary drink.“You said that as if,’ Taehyung watched the dark liquid slowly disappearing, streaming against the glass, ‘as if you haven’t seen her in a while,” his words resonated at the background of the low tap as the bottom of the cup touched the rubber.“I ran away from home when she was in the third class,” he sighed and awkwardly observed the empty bottle they both drank as if it was alcohol instead of coke.“What happened?”Hyungu raised his eyes, meeting Taehyung’s curiosity, “I fell in love with my math teacher,’ he grimaced, chuckling almost inaudibly before he continued, ‘a man, Kang Boemin Seonsengnim.”“Oh,” Taehyung let go of the warm handle of his mug, his leg started to bounce and out of the habit, he brought his hand to his lips, biting down on his nail. He wasn’t sure what to reply.“Maybe ‘love’ is a bit too strong of a word,’ Hyungu again flicked the aluminium lid, but this time it dropped on the floor, and as Taehyung watched it fall, he was met with a feeling of deja vu, ‘but for my eighteen years old heart, it meant a world. Possibly its end if someone ever got to know,” the man sighed.“So you just… left,’ Taehyung searched for any sign of discomfort on his face, but other than the eyes that smiled with sadness and tiredness, Hyungu looked to be fine, ‘hyungnim?”Hyungu clapped his hands together when a fit of sudden laughter escaped his throat, ‘It may sound silly to you, as if I was exaggerating, but you wouldn’t guess how much the world has changed since I attended high school. It’s not even the best now, is it?”“No, it is not, “ Taehyung shook his head, feeling the weight of meaning behind Hyungu’s words. “Being… like this, it also seems like the world to me,’ admitted Taehyung, ‘I ran away too after all,’ he scratched the back of his head, scrapping at the memory of the blond-curled angel, and while leaving his hand there he said, ‘But I returned.”“You are lucky to have your hyungs, Taehyung-ah,’ nodded Hyungu, squinting at him when he lifted his shoulders uncertainly, ‘Sooki and Kim Namjoon,’ he declared, ‘Sooki told me you are mad at them,’ he pulled out his brows as if waiting for Taehyung to say something, but Taehyung just shifted on his seat, ‘that you barely speak to Namjoon-ssi.”“You know him? Namjoonie hyung…” Taehyung tried to change the topic, waving through the cloud of awkwardness, until it didn’t become clear again.“We met,” said Hyungu shortly, cutting through the tension.“Do you know that, Jin hyung-”“That Sooki is head over heels for your leader?” exclaimed Hyungu with dry humour.Taehyung bit on his nail strongly, pulling at the loose skin, the last layer before the red tinted his lips. “Yeah?”“Of course I do,” he threw his head back. It rested on the edge of the backrest for a while before he again looked Taehyung in the eyes, chuckling at his confusion.“But, don’t you mind that?” Taehyung moved forward on his chair, placing his palms under his chin and supporting the heaviness of his puzzled head.“He’s with me, not with Kim Namjoon,” he stated simply and both of their eyes got lost for a while on the man standing on his tiptoes to pull a string over the false tree needles. The plastic branch bounced under the weight of the sparkling globe when Jin’s fingers shakily tied a knot.“Because he’s straight,’ Taehyung felt his lips move again, ‘Namjoonie hyung said he doesn’t like boys,” Taehyung’s voice got louder when the memory, wrapped in the cold studio streaming around the air-dust flying away from the computer monitor, flashed before his eyes.“I appreciate what I have now, Taehyung-ah,’ frowned Hyungu, ‘one day, you will get tired of running,” Taehyung felt a hot gaze on his cheek, before a hand wrapped around his wrist. He looked down, noting the pale flesh contrasting with his. A strength pressed on his muscle, patting on his skin hurriedly, a finger plopped off from the bite of his teeth.“Why are you doing it?” Hyungu caught Taehyung’s hand before it met the table’s surface with a bump. He reached for a napkin he had been wiping Jin’s mouth with, waved it in the air and after the dried crumbs fell off, he pressed it against the pulsating stream, watching how the paper soaked red.Taehyung inhaled sharply, wincing at the pain. He jerked his hand trying to get away from Hyungu’s grasp, but not exactly expecting the success.Hyungu caressed his raw bitten nails, patting at the marks his teeth had left, massaging the pink healing flesh. “You sometimes run without using your legs.”“It’s not as bad as it looks like,” was everything Taehyung could utter before he hung his head low, ‘how did you learn to live with it?” he mumbled almost breathlessly, too exhausted to go further in his search for answers.“Live with it?” questioned him Hyungu, sounding almost offended. Taehyung licked his lips nervously, collecting the taste of the hot iron his blood left there. “You have to accept it, Taehyung-ah. Love it,’ he stressed out, ‘one day. It is not a sickness’ Hyungu’s voice broke behind the burst of emotion, ‘you are punishing yourself,” he glanced towards Taehyung’s hand covered in a red-white napkin with a jerk of his head.“No,’ Taehyung disagreed, ‘I am punishing the,’ he scanned the room but the only eyes studying his face were the narrow sad ones in front of him, ‘monsters inside me. I am fighting with them,” he mumbled at last.“Monsters?”Taehyung hurried with his answer, stumbling over his words, ‘The ones who made sin, those who make me look at men like that,’ he let it sink in, before he added, almost pleadingly, ‘I am not like this.”“You are not or you don’t want to be?” the question felt heavy, hitting on Taehyung’s heart filled with hatred, worries and guilt, pumping cries instead of blood. His hand stopped midair to wipe the tears running down his cheeks when Hyungu spoke again,“Taehyung-ah, when I came to Seoul for the first time, I was broken, quite literally. Without money or a place to go, not being for Hayeul noona I,’ Hyungu pressed his eyelids tightly together and shook his head, ‘But I didn’t come here to change something about me. The part of me.Maybe my mother isn’t the best mum ever, but she taught me what a love is. She loved my father and I came here to chase that feeling. And look,’ he outstretched his hand, his open palm pointing towards Jin pulling off the light brown packing paper, crumpled around the uneven object with sharp edges piercing through the weak material, ‘Don’t you want to feel love too?”“Hyung!” yelled Jin and triumphantly discarded the remains of pieces, damp from the humid summer and rainy autumn, stuck to the plastic covered in glitters. He raised a Christmas star above his head, calling Hyungu with an empty hand.Hyungu’s fingers slid off the napkin stained with Taehyung’s blood. “I thought Hayeul noona didn’t bring a ladder this year?” he yelled behind his shoulder before he leaned in and ruffled Taehyung’s hair, grimacing when the crispy dried hairspray came into contact with his skin.“Screw her!” laughed Jin back, earning himself a friendly punch from Hayeul’s fist. *The door behind Taehyung shut with a well-known faint click when he pressed his back against it. His head fell low and the ache pulled at the tensed muscles reaching from the baby hair at the top of his neck to his spine. He moved his shoulders up and down, trying to relieve the pain, but his joints felt too exhausted. The huff bobbing his throat sounded close to a sob.Taehyung kicked his boots off his feet and jerked when they hit the locker’s metal walls with a clang, echoing along the furniture surrounding him and whirled in front of the keyhole sucking it in before it opened its mouth in an excited squeal as it spread in their living room.Taehyung dragged his legs behind him, pushing on the door handle, he let the draught close it.He squinted his eyes in an unexpected attack of the light coming from the tall lamp next to their sofa, before he rolled them back, seeing white. He should have predicted it. If Jin was with him, he would be already complaining about the electricity bill.Taehyung shrugged off his weighty coat and let it fall on their shabby worn-out sofa, watching how the snow melted into the wool, creating a wet patch, seeping into the couch construction and dripping on the floor. Even if the damp spot would dry up till the morning, if left overnight the room would greet them with that familiar nose-sniffing, musty smell on their way to the fridge.He leaned forward to grab at the faint string ending with a plastic ball hanging from the lampshade, enjoying the pleasant tingle wrapping around his nerves and travelling up to his shoulder blades as his lower back muscles stretched out, but an irritating sound of throat-clearing made him stop.“Where were you?” Jungkook tugged at the fabric of his shirt, pulling Taehyung towards him.“Fu-,’ a curse rushed on Taehyung’s tongue, even going as far as hitting the back of his teeth, but he managed to gulp it down, dryly, ‘Jungkook-ah, I thought you were sleeping?” his arms were still trembling in the air, bent in an awkward angle, from the startle.But Jungkook asked again, “Where were you, hyung?” the sound humming close to Taehyung’s ear, before he turned him around.Taehyung gazed into his doe eyes, thinking of how his grandmother used to tell him that they were windows to the soul lying beyond their glassy surface. However, Jungkook had guards standing at their gate and crossing their swords, keeping him back from seeing what was hidden inside.He was surprised Jungkook was talking to him again, yet, he was still missing the gentle tone of his voice.He felt tired, so close to throwing a duvet over his head, that his bed’s calls escaping from his room, sounded almost sensual in his ears. But maybe, as the blades of guards’ swords sparkled in their fight to scare Taehyung like a fearful animal, he thought Jin’s sheets smelled more welcoming.“Let me go,” Taehyung pleaded, wiggling the white fabric out of the grasp of Jungkook’s fingers, but he hardly tasted the soothing nectar of freedom when a hand caught him again. Taehyung wanted to scream.“I asked you whe-”“I am your hyung, Jungkook-ah!’ he yelled and while his toes dug into the carpet that rolled under his feet to support his strength, he pushed against Jungkook’s chest, ‘Start treating me like one already! I am tired,’ Taehyung yawned, ‘and want to go to sleep, so,’ the top of his head touched where Jungkook’s heart was hopping on its path towards his life, ‘so let me go for fuck sake,” this time he cursed, pushing the words into Jungkook’s pyjama top.It was probably the swear words rolling out of Taehyung’s tongue so casually that made Jungkook halt.When fingers, marking tomorrow’s bruises, unwrapped from Taehyung’s wrists, his arms slapped against his tights and bounced there uselessly.Jungkook’s mouth opened but nothing but a dry laughter escaping, froze his warm breath. His expression was more sour than anything with that famous tongue pushing against his cheek.“Whatever,” huffed Taehyung and headed towards the room opposite his, spreading his arms to welcome Namjoon’s deep snorts.“Good night, Jungkook-ah!” he threw behind his shoulder out of a habit.“Where are you going, hyung?’ Taehyung heard him step forward, ‘Our room is- oh,”“Oh?” repeated Taehyung, frowning in confusion, ‘What oh, I don’t want to sleep in-”“You were with him, right?’ a scoff, ‘Where is he now?”Jungkook walked towards the door dividing the bright living room from the dank hallway. He pushed on the handle and the door opened with a creak, but Taehyung wasn’t afraid it would wake up the rest of his members, as no one rummaged in and threw their pillows to shush him when he yelled a minute ago.“Buying you a dinner? A midnight snack? What are you going to do after, ha?”Taehyung couldn’t believe what hidden suggestions were hinting from Jungkook’s daring mouth. The sudden need to place his hand over it, so tightly that the mocking words or angry saliva, spluttering between his his teeth, would no longer wet his face, soared within him.Jungkook didn’t understand how his words were scratching and scarring Taehyung’s wrenching soul. Taehyung has never thought about Jin in that way. He would let himself be slapped if Samuel’s name was dropped into the suggestive silence, for lies, but Hyungu begged him to stop running away.So, if Taehyung had to pause, abruptly - his knees would be reaching past his toes, raising his heels - as soon as he spun around, begging for his arms trying to build a shield in front of his eyes, Jungkook would be there, standing a step out from the shadow.But Jungkook didn’t want him. He barely looked at him in the span of the last few days. The sentences he uttered his way were short, emotionless. Taehyung didn’t understand why he bothered now. Was he screaming at him only to relieve his spoiled, selfish heart with his cruel words?“What’s your problem?” Taehyung broke down, shaking violently like a leaf rotting towards the winter’s wind. “Why does it matter to you with whom I was,’ he crossed his arms in front of his chest to bring himself some warmth in the middle of the cold waves of sweat rising bumps on his skin under all his clothes, ‘or in whose bed I want to sleep?”He didn't think Jungkook would say anything else, and even if he did, Taehyung’s hands were a second before slamming against his ears.“It matters,” but there he was, rubbing salt in the wounds, as if he couldn’t see them already red-swollen with inflammation.Taehyung wanted to scream in agony, so he did, despite his scrapping throat, “Why?!”“Because they don’t look at you how I do!” Jungkook howled, tearing his lungs with all the air gushing out from his saliva-spited lips.“What?”“Hah, of course,’ Jungkook’s hands, quivering next to his head, dropped along his sides, ‘you don’t see it. Why would you anyway?’ he showed his back to Taehyung, feeling the scrubs their jeans or naked skin left on the old wool under his palms, before he collapsed, knees first, ‘You didn’t bother to tell me any of this,' Jungkook’s fingers fisted the blanket rumpled around the pillows, ‘You ran to Jin hyung the moment he…““But he doesn’t feel the same way about you as I do, hyung. I love you,” Jungkook let down his guard. He lost all the strength in his pride that held his shoulders above everyone else's and fell over his bent knees, sinking into the pillows, a fortress protecting him from the world. The first sob slowly turned into a powerful wail, shaking Jungkook's shoulders. img src=“https://www.google-analytics.com/collect?v=1&tid=[G-5RFH8TV7PX]

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

What would you do if you stood over an abyss, crushing the frail sandstone under the bendy soles of your rock climbing shoes and watched how the crispy shreds fell over the sharp tops, cutting the sunrays into the full spectrum of colours? Probably took one wary step back until the whole surface of your foot wouldn’t feel secure while breaking dried, crispy straws of grass sticking out of the scuffed stone, and put your hands behind your back, in a swift motion, to soften the fall that would most likely take your breath away, as soon as your knees would start to wobble.So, why instead of doing exactly that, Taehyung took a step forward, ready to watch his soul bleed out when it pierced on the big words and even bigger statements? Were they perhaps so deep, screaming behind the heavy rainy clouds, already gathering around the lowest mountain peaks, so he couldn’t recognize their danger breaking through the fog into his ears? No, Taehyung stood right over them, far as a reach of a hand, hovering above Jungkook’s trembling body curled over his bent knees pushing on the soft wool of their sofa. And Taehyung realised, the crimson was Jungkook’s blood, not his, the mad thumps must have been the beats of Jungkook’s crying heart, because his own forgot how to bang on the hollow bones of his ribcage.“What did you just say?” Taehyung’s mouth felt dry despite the tears of shock clearing its path down his cheeks and wetting his lips. The bottom of his tights hit the metal construction, showing where the fabric met its end, but Taehyung didn’t jerk, not even a hiss left through the gap of his clamped teeth, despite its boring marks in his skin. He felt high on adrenaline, burying every tug of pain. And it was funny, because his muscles didn’t burn from running and a hot breath at the back of his neck didn’t prick his fear, but Taehyung still felt chased down, followed by his guilt.“Jungkook-ah, please don’t fuck with me,” he begged him. His heels lifted from the ground as his emotions overpowered him, throwing his body forward.Taehyung fell on his hands, palms sinking next to Jungkook’s crossed feet. His head was hanging low between his shoulders. He was shaking so much that he wondered why his bones weren’t rattling when they hit each other.Taehyung’s world was spinning, even if his body felt secure in the dip of a soft sofa mattress, hugging him from all sides. He had never called for hope to take the place inside his heart and the pace with which it ruled felt unknown, confusing how quickly it was reaching the peak of Taehyung’s desires if not dreams.“Stop!” he mumbled pleadingly, addressing the vicious chaos of screams he could hear. He pressed his eyelids tight together and a wrinkle between his eyebrows crumpled his skin like every time he was fighting a headache.Taehyung’s shoulders gave up soon after, his wrist bent straight and his elbows fell next to his torso, pushing the entire death weight of his body on his nails that stayed digging into the soft wool, like the claws of a wild cat.The first response pushing out a sigh from his mouth when his forehead hit something hard but pliable, yelled hot! So boiling it could dry up the droplets of sweat wetting his hair, but so soothing he could wrap the warmth around him and fall asleep.Taehyung has never counted how many times his and Jungkook’s skin came into contact since the day they first met, but he certainly was keeping track of the hours he spent missing it. Not even in his dreams he dared to reach his finger to impress its shape in the boy's flesh. But with how much disappointment his temptation felt every time he spun around and walked away from its craving, Taehyung shouldn’t have been surprised at how quickly his insides melted when it was just Jungkook’s calf under his cheek.Next words died along his thoughts, vanishing from where he stored them in his brain, clearing the space of anything but the touch. He should have felt embarrassed, even little disgusted with himself, especially when the mess of his tears and snot stuck to Jungkook’s bare leg or when his breath, coming out in the form of low hiccups, played with the light body hair curling there.He should have felt ashamed, pushing himself into Jungkook’s space and invading his safety forces, but all he felt was greed. Taehyung wasn’t strong enough to close his eyes and put a hand on his nose, his legs has forgotten how to run anyway, they would crumple under him and send him back to the pits.“Hyung,’ Jungkook’s voice sounded hoarse coming to his ears, ‘what are you doing?”The leg, pressing right in the middle of Taehyung's ribcage, moved, and in fear it was trying to wiggle out of his embrace, rob him of his safety, Taehyung’s arms tightened their grip around it. The tip of his nose felt cold when he pressed it against the muscle. His mouth opened to take an air in, before he could have suffocated, rather than to speak.“Taehyung hyung,” a movement caught Taehyung’s attention. Jungkook pulled up on his arms, a slit between his shoulder blades pushed his muscles together before he straightened his back to sit on his heels.“No!” begged Taehyung, tugging at Jungkook’s leg as if his life depended on it. His addiction got too strong to let it go.“Hyung, if you just want to break my heart later,’ he spoke and pushed up, ‘then go, your message would be clear.”Not even the thick fabric of Jungkook’s pyjama top could have stop the warmth from emitting when his back was shaking not even a centimetre before Taehyung’s face. Despite Jungkook being slightly shorter than him, his shadow swallowed him whole up.Taehyung shook his head, first slowly, then vehemently, “No, I,’ he gulped down the fear, letting his guilt speak, ‘Jungkook-ah,’ Taehyung lifted up his hands, with palms facing away from him, ‘I was blind, consumed by my own struggles and desperate to fix everything that I became so unaware of,’ he stretched his fingers wide when he felt muscles under the T-shirt moving, ‘others,” he whispered.Taehyung took a breath in and continued, ”I... I didn’t mean to hurt you, Jungkook-ah. I was just so caught up in my own chaos that,’ his hands slid up, nearing the collar of Jungkook’s top, ‘Can you please look at me?”Jungkook lifted his head, his hair was falling on his nape now, but his shoulders stayed locked up in place.“Right,’ Taehyung licked his lips, ‘Jungkook-ah, please understand that my ignorance was never intentional. I never imagined that you felt this way about me.”Junkook shook Taehyung’s hands away, finally turning around. “That’s not what I asked you, hyung,’ he looked at Taehyung from under his eyelashes, wetted by the tears, sticking to his upper eyelids, ‘Tell me the truth, are you and Jin hyung dating?” he said the words bluntly. His eyes, tinted red from crying, were watching Taehyung’s lips, breathlessly awaiting his answer, but Taehyung looked up as if the answer was written in the cracks of their ceiling. The question didn’t surprise him, if anything, it was just an unspoken response that could resolve everything, lurking behind the corner and jumping at the right moment, to fill Taehyung’s throat with words.“No,’ Taehyung breathed out, ‘Jesus, no,” he repeated, nearly laughing. “Jin hyung was like a stick I could lean on when falling, he was supporting me on this way but, Jungkook-ah,’ he took Jungkook’s hands, clasped in his lap, ‘There has never been anything romantic between us.”Jungkook’s thumb broke free from under Taehyung’s palm and as soon as it touched his skin, drawing circles around the knuckles of his fingers with his nail, Taehyung took it as a hint, “Just imagine it, me and him,” he joked, unable to restrain the giggles.However, the relief didn’t soften the frown wrinkling Jungkook’s face, as Taehyung expected, it still ruled over the emotion in his eyes, “I thought you wouldn’t mind it, even like it,” he stressed out.Jungkook’s statement shocked him, changing his little laugh to a breathy, “Huh? Why would I?” the corner of Taehyung’s mouth raised, showing his upper teeth. The confusion was clearly written all over his face.“That night,’ Jungkook’s right palm was now touching the back of Taehyung’s hand, the ball of his middle finger busy counting his knuckles, ‘when Namjoon hyung talked about his ... experiences..., ‘ he pushed on the joint of Taehyung’s pinky, trying to hide the sudden blush rising on his cheeks and observed how the finger flew in the air, ‘Do you remember it?” he coughed out.Of course, Taehyung remembered. He shuddered with a flood of memories. He shut his eyes, swimming through the waves of Namjoon's ugly worn-out boxers, the empty bottle of Yoongi's cheap whiskey, heavy in the air and poisoning his senses, and above all, the cocky smirk playing on Namjoon's lips.He knew he could never forget that night, the night it all started, right here on this shabby sofa they were now sitting.“You asked me if I didn’t find it weird that hyung has so much knowledge and then said-” “I think Namjoonie hyung knows so much about girls because he is older,” said Taehyung, lying on his bottom bed and combing his fingers through Jungkook’s hair tickling him under his chin, while the hot summer night made them both uncomfortably sticky with a sweat.
“That doesn’t even make sense, hyung.”
“It does, you just won’t understand because you are...”
 
“I know what I said,” Taehyung blurted out, the same shade of pink gleaming on his cheeks now.“So I thought,’ Jungkook continued to play with Taehyung’s fingers as if they were his own, pulling at them until the air bubble filling his joints didn’t pop with a loud crack and twisting them, watching the creases Taehyung’s skin made, ‘Jin hyung, he is older, he has more experiences, of course you would choose him over me,’ he lifted his head, his lips were pursed, stretching over the shape of his teeth, ‘Over a kid.”And the same as on that night many months ago, when the year just crossed its half, Taehyung panicked, “Jungkook-ah, that’s, you know that’s not what I-”“But me too,’ said Jungkook, his words, cutting through Taehyung’s hazy speech, felt like a hand on his mouth, shutting him up, ‘I also said some unfair things to you. I wasn’t treating you well. As you said, you are my hyung,’ Jungkook offered a faint smile, ’But I was living on this dirty imagination that if I could act like one, then you would accept me, ‘ his voice shook, shaping around the last words, ‘Only, along the way I started to act like a jerk, yelling at you, accusing you of things, ignoring you,’ Jungkook retreated his hand to put it over his face, ‘Can you forgive me?” he begged.Taehyung felt cold, as if missing something, when the warmth of Jungkook’s big palm, grounding him, disappeared.He closed his trembling fingers around the hand beneath his, fighting to keep his voice, bobbing with his throat, steady, “We both did pretty shitty,’ Taehyung heard the soft chuckle coming from Jungkook, ‘we both were selfish, but we were,’ he hesitated for a moment, ‘lost, above all. It is also my fault, I let you and never fought back,' he admitted, shaking his head, 'I feel like I disappointed you, before all of this started. I don’t know how to act like your hyung. Then I yelled at you, expecting you to respect me like one.”“But, hyung, you are-”“No!’ exclaimed Taehyung with a laugh, ‘I know what you want to say,’ his hand shot in the air, stopping just a bit before Jungkook’s eager mouth, ‘That I am the best hyung ever and I am just being too hard on myself,’ when Jungkook’s chin touched his chest, ready to agree, Taehyung sighed, ‘You always praised everything I'd done. Even my greatest lies were met with your compliments. I wonder how I didn’t see it, about what you feel for me,’ his heart was pounding now inside his chest, ‘But, Jungkook-ah, did you... ,’ Taehyung took a moment, scolding the loud beats of new fear, ‘did you know that I wasn't straight?” he asked, worried about the obviousness in his behaviour.As soon as Jungkook slowly shook his head from left to right, Taehyung released the sigh of relief he was keeping at the back of his throat.There was a hint of sadness in Jungkook’s eyes as he spoke, “To be honest, I actually had no idea,’ the hot air mixing with cold teased along the gaps of Taehyung's fingers, he has never let his hand fall, ‘You think about yourself that you are sick for loving men but, look at me,’ Jungkook punched his chest with his fist and his voice vibrated, ‘in my mind, I made you someone who you might not even be. I idolized you because I was,’ his head fell, only Taehyung’s weak fingers, pushing against his forehead, were stopping it from dropping lower, ‘desperately in love with you.”There was the last question raising, spitting from Taehyung's tongue before he could think, “So, does it mean, you are... also attracted to men?”Taehyung couldn’t see the smile, but the way the skin, tensing around the eyebrows, moved, hinted about it.“Honestly, I don't think I am,’ Taehyung's eyes widened, ‘It's confusing, and I can't really explain it myself. I think I may be a coward, I fear to dig in deeper,’ his words were muted by the resistance of Taehyung’s palm, ‘But I made my peace with the fact that I love you, a male, and I never looked anywhere else,’ a silence, that the big clock over the door made use of by announcing midnight, stretched around them, ‘Does it make sense?”“I... I am not sure.”Jungkook's confessions were like a balm to Taehyung's soul. With each one, his heart swelled, the newfound hope in him was pumping it to an enormous size. It felt so huge now, thumbing against Taehyung's inner walls, that it could enclose around the boy's whole body, head to toes, wrapping its arms around him and keeping him close.Taehyung wanted it, but he was a coward himself. Hopeless, yet, too wary, taking cautious steps, as no one has ever soothed his burns. His inner walls were growing harder with every knock on his gates.“I need to know what you think, hyung,’ Jungkook spoke as if he could see the chaos of thoughts reflecting on his face, ‘I've been honest with my feelings, I've said all there is to say,’ he blew the air on Taehyung’s hand, ‘You told me you don't love Jin hyung, but what about me? How do you feel about me?”*A legend said that every spirit - human, animal or plant - was tied to this world with love. Once they were ready to fulfill their destiny, the bond was sealed, just as Princess Jisun found her warrior and protector in a boy carrying the name Gyeong .
It had happened many years ago, when snowflakes were slowly falling from the sky, painting the world in a pristine white, a beautiful princess named Jisun was born in the Kingdom of Sanggang.
It was said she inherited the ethereal beauty of her mother Queen Saeah, who had, sadly, passed away on a late stroll during a snowstorm. The Princess's beauty was believed to be so great that even the God of Winter had to welcome her into this world.
On the same night and in the same storm that killed Queen Saeah, a young boy Gyeong lost his parents too, leaving him all alone.
The God of Winter chose Gyeong to be Princess Jisun's protector, feeling guilty for what had happened. They were bound together by the same tragic fate. However, there was only one way their love could grow and cherish - they had to witness the first snowfall of a  year together and share a kiss.
As years went by, Jisun and Gyeong grew up together, unaware of their intertwined souls. Gyeong became Jisun's closest friend and most trusted companion.
On one cold December evening when winter roses bloomed in the castle gardens, snowflakes started to fall. Standing side by side, with their hands almost touching, Jisun and Gyeong 's lips met in their first kiss, hugged by the warm embraces of their late parents.To this day, when the first snowflakes of winter fell, people believed that the spirits of Jisun and Gyeong reunited, dancing together under the ethereal glow of the snow. Their love continued to inspire and remind people of the beauty and magic that could be found in true love. The snowstorm hitting the mountains of the Korean peninsula and whirling along its lowlands in the middle of winter, wasn’t anything unusual. Taehyung remembered a fair share of snowflakes, nearing cotton with its size, covering the dried, thirsty fields his grandparents used to work on until their hands didn’t bleed from the splinters splitting from their shovels or rakes and piercing their skin. He remembered watching them while sitting behind the cold window that copied his breaths with the drawings of fog blurring around frost’s artwork. He always liked tracing his finger along the curls and twirls it left, even if they melted under the warmth of his skin, even if his hands became red and raw, cracking from the freeze attacking.The lamp next to their sofa was still on, casting a light that became more dim the more Taehyung’s eyes were running over their shadows blinking steadily and connecting to their feet.Jungkook’s question sounded heavy with a hum of fridge, blowing the cold air on its nearly empty shelves and cabinets, in the background or the regular tick-tock of their big clock.A bird, or maybe just a great particle of air, landed on their small balcony, hardly fitting a chair behind its railing, and the outdoor lamp, stuck to the brick wall next to the sliding door, lightened up, shining its beams on the maps of icy paths.Taehyung’s hand, patting his tights, jerked unconsciously, ready to rise up and feel the unevenness of the glassy surface.He stood up, leaving Jungkook with an open mouth and confusion in his eyes, behind his back.“Hyung?”Taehyung took three long steps, walking around the piles of pillows and the table on its short legs, to stop in front of the stool pushed to the wall they used to step on to reach the handle of the small narrow windows at the top.He remembered keeping this sight close to his memory, when the familiarity of the flat green roofs had been thousands of kilometres away, to fall asleep with a feeling of home, but he forgot to push away the curtains to take a look at them once he was walking on the well-known pavements.A night was clear tonight, perhaps the snow absorbed all the toxic dust their city was bathing in, storing the filth, frozen in its layers until the sun didn’t melt it into the spring floods, killing the fish that didn’t have time to adapt. Taehyung didn’t believe in victory.The snowstorm had stopped, no snowflakes dancing in the wind were falling before Taehyung’s eyes, but when he looked up, squinting through the hole the acid rain made in the sloped roof above the widnow, he knew those were clouds hiding the stars rather than the light smog. 
“Every year, when the first snow falls, I wish to meet someone and fall in love with them,” texted ShyFlower, waking up Taehyung's phone.

When their company driver twisted the round button of their car radio to tune to the news channel, rather than rolling his eyes over the bad English someone covered the popular Christmas song with, Taehyung’s head wasn’t nodding to the rhythm of his dreams, so when the monotonous voice of Song Sojin read aloud the notes she had taken while looking at her weather graphs and announced they should expect the first snow of this year, he heard it. He remembered looking at Jin sitting next to him and busily tapping his fingers on his phone screen. His thumb hovered over the send button only for a second before pressing it, but the little pause was enough for Taehyung to know he heard the weather presenter too. Funny, how both of them refrained from putting their noses on the car’s window to see through the tint shading it, but their muscles were aching.The movement behind Taehyung’s back got his attention and he took a step back, watching the white dot his nose left in the middle of the clearing fog from his breath on the glass. Jungkook wasn’t so lucky avoiding the little table surrounded by pillows acting like chairs. The ear-splitting squeaking as the metal rubbed against the floor reached him first before Jungkook’s quiet curse lifted up the corners of his mouth. And then he was standing right next to him, but instead of watching the unusual night, his eyes were running across Taehyung’s face.Taehyung wasn’t sure if he could hear the smack of Jungkook’s lips forcing apart before he took the air in to call his name again, but suddenly, he found himself speaking, “Let’s go to the beach.”His plead must had taken Jungkook by surprise when he uttered a small, “What?”Taehyung watched his reflection, pushing through the inside and outside lights, to frown.“But it’s freezing,’ said Jungkook and crossed his arms in front of his chest, stroking his naked arms as if to emphasize the weather’s cruelty, ‘Hyung, I asked you how-”“I want to watch the first snow with you,” Taehyung smiled and reached out his hand to slam his palm against the glass to hide the snowflake that first broke free from the captivity of clouds. Jungkook pulled up an eyebrow, observing how the window shook.“Is that your answer?’ he asked, surely sharing Taehyung’s hope behind his uncertain lip bite, ‘Because, hyung, you know the tale about Gyeong and Jisun.”Taehyung turned right, grinning at Jungkook’s profile. The doe eyes followed his movement without his body forcing a single muscle to use.“Do you want to watch the first snow with me, Jungkook-ah?” Taehyung felt daring when his fingers ran through the hair falling into Jungkook’s eyes, brushing it away and showing his troubled forehead.Jungkook tugged at the short sleeve that was struggling to cover the whole expanse of his biceps and moved with the naked toes of his feet. “I will get dressed, wait here!”
*
Their hefty winter boots were sinking through the layers of fresh snow and the waves of heavy sand, bounded together by the water that has soaked past, some of it even getting behind the raised up backs of the shoes, dirtying their white socks or scrubbing their naked heels.Taehyung was taking in the smell of the scarf wrapped around his neck and face, shielding his cheeks from the strong wind painting his skin red, and protecting his teeth from clattering against each other when, the especially freezing, whirl of wind attacked.Outside was as cold as Jungkook had predicted, if not more. They could see how the fog of their breaths turned solid once it left the safety of their purple tinted lips. And when the water of the uninvitingly looking sea splashed where the rocks of the shore met the first sand, they jumped away with a shriek tearing their lungs, scaring away the seagulls breaking the layer of ice with their powerful beaks, forming where the sea was motionless.Followed only by their own footprints disappearing in the shadow of the burned out lamps, their hands were brushing against each other. But as if their fingers felt too shy to reach, they were just awkwardly clenching and unclenching, masking it as the movement to stir up the blood in their numb vessels.“Do you remember how we used to sneak out when everyone else was sleeping ?‘Taehyung spoke with a wistful tone, as if there were decades diving the present and those memories, and not only a few years that could be counted on one hand, ‘Or so we thought, ‘he gave him a naughty look full of knowing, ‘To look at the stars? And we tried to capture the night sky, only the photo quality was so bad that all we could see was just a black screen?” Taehyung held his hands out with thumbs and index fingers extended, forming the letter L and bent the first joints. He could almost pretend to be looking through the camera lenses.“And then you bought the camera for your first salary. But not only you were so annoying showing hyungs the pictures,’ Taehyung eyed the boy kicking the lumps of sand with the tip of his boot, ‘but that way they had also found out why we were always so tired in the mornings,” he elbowed him teasingly, hitting the soft fabric stitched into puffs.Suddenly, Taehyung looked up, throwing off the hood from his head and pointed towards the only spark flickering through the sad cotton of clouds. “When we were in New York, I missed falling asleep while watching them,’ his finger, drawing the shapes of geometric shapes, dabbed toward the sky as if he could touch and disperse them, ‘And I thought, did you feel the same? The nights there were so...” Taehyung blinked, the lonely star imprinted on the surface of his eyes.“Bright,” mumbled Jungkook, helping him, continuing to boring holes into the slush, until the wetness didn’t soak through the material and touched his feet.“Yeah,’ nodded Taehyung eagerly, ‘I was curious if the constellations look the same from the other side of the globe. I felt lonely without them, ‘he curled his finger, writing a big J above their heads, ‘They remind me of you. I felt lonely without you.”A hand wrapped around his forearm. The coldness of Jungkook’s fingers seeped through his gloves and Taehyung’s jacket. He gently pulled it down, spinning Taehyung around in the process.“I was right there, hyung,” said Jungkook and grabbed at the loose fabric at his sides.Taehyung gulped at the proximity, looking down where gloved fingers were trying to get a hold of him, tugging and crushing the smooth layer of fleece sewn to the cotton under it.“I know, but I told you I was blind. Or maybe,’ his lips stayed parted until the admission didn’t find its way out, ‘just afraid to see. Not that anything has changed ever since, ‘a fear of the unknown clasped at Taehyung's being, ‘I still don't know if I can let myself feel, I fear what consequences I will have to face for being like this, ‘Jungkook’s hands stopped him from grabbing at his chest and ripping out his heart. Holding it on his palms for everyone to see, while the hot blood of his existence dripped down his skin. He would scream, “Don’t be weak, just beat!”“What if I wake up and everyone will hate me? Or worse, ‘an invisible hand of his fear took the thumping organ from his hold, ‘I find out that they left? Jungkook-ah, I am so terrified of the future, but, ‘Taehyung fought with everything that was left and put his heart back, stitching himself up, ‘I don't want to look back one day and wonder what if? Jimin is always saying this thing…”“We are allowed to live this life,” every echo of Jimin's words to war, repeated by Jungkook’s voice, sounded like something he was hearing for the first time; still too shocked and hesitant to accept them as true.“How I live is my choice, right?’ Taehyung didn't realise his eyes closed, still fighting even subconsciously, but he was quite enjoying the dark with small running balls of lights leaving smudged paths behind them, ‘Even if this doesn't feel like one I can make.”“I am also scared,” Taehyung's eyes snapped back open upon hearing Jungkook's confession. He turned to him, letting the winter wind slap his cheeks until they didn't glow in red.“Are you?”Jungkook ran his fingers through his hair in what seemed to be frustration. “I worked so hard to please everyone, to be, ‘he looked up, reading the word from the stars, ‘perfect. At this point, I think that all the hard work I've put in won't matter. That they don't love me but just the idol I represent, ‘he paused, his throat bobbing with emotions he didn't have time to gulp, then looked into Taehyung's eyes, 'I am afraid I will disappoint them if I ever reveal the truth. But, letting this go, honestly, it scares me more. It may sound cheesy but,' despite the night surrounding them, Taehyung noticed the colour rising on Jungkook's cheeks, maybe the waves of the timid sea helped to reflect the light, ‘I don't remember a day when I wasn't in love with you. So, if you want to give this a try-” Jungkook cut himself off in midair, standing there with mouth agape as more words tried to break free, but not a sound left past his teeth.The warmth of Jungkook breath was melting the thin coat of frost on Taehyung’s face, they stood that close. But as soon as his chest raised, pleasing his body with fresh oxygen, new icicles started to freeze, they stood that far.A snowflake fell on Taehyung’s nose, living its short life before turning into a single drop of water, shaking on his pinkish tip. He sniffled, scrunching his nose and let it find its way down to his lips, giving him the last words of encouragement, “I really want to.”The whisper full of longing rang in Jungkook’s ears, sending his head spinning. Taehyung saw it all, the rolling of his eyes as if he struggled to focus on the firm ground under all the snow and sand. He heard it all, the breath of his last inhale, spinning in his lapping lungs, hinting at the next coughing fit.Taehyung considered himself a devil, rushing forward, attacking when his prey was weak but he felt the same, once again forgetting to breathe.“Do you,’ he hoped the salty air full of fish would help him to catch his breath, ‘believe in legends?” Taehyung wished he could punch his chest, but Jungkook’s hand were still firm on his body.He saw how Jungkook’s eyes grew even wider, they were running between the snowflakes entangling between their hair and Taehyung’s quickly moving lips, not clear if from the cold or excitement.“There is this one that goes like- hmph?!”No, no, no what is happening? Alarm bells rang in Taehyung's head.His body was jolted forward, feeling as if it had collided with a fireball shooting its flames down his throat and unfreezing his numbed lips. They were moving against his own will, up and down, pouting and flattening, opening, yet never closing.
This is bad!
His tongue stuck out for the air, trying to curl around its particles, only to collide with something hard and sharp...“Auch!” Taehyung gasped, pushing against the body pressing against his, but his arms were weak in this world that felt uneven under his feet.Reaching out, he touched a bite mark pulsating under his hand and when the threads of his woollen glove scraped it, a sting made him hiss.During the last few months, his lips had been bleeding multiple times, the delicate pink skin was harshly torn apart by the demolishing force of his never-ending anxiety. Taehyung hated lip bleeds.But this one felt different. No warm liquid, tasting like iron, was oozing from the throbbing wound. It hurt to the touch, ached like a sore muscle, however as the wind slowly blew the pain away, Taehyung started to long for it.He looked at Jungkook who had an apology ready in his eyes. He stood a step away, bending forward and groping knees, as if the kiss equalled a marathon drying him of body fluids and oxygen. He wasn’t sure if the swollen of his lips moved to take the air in or to speak, but he couldn't care less, both were keeping him away from his new addicting source.“Hyung?”So the latter one, thought Taehyung dryly before he grasped at the collar of Jungkook’s puffer. His vigour crushing at the plastic zipper that was holding the jacket closed, pushed it down, or maybe he ripped it, forcing its dull teeth apart, same as his own biting the air. He bared Jungkook’s neck, damp with sweat and sticking the collar of his pyjama top to his collar bones.Taehyung smacked their lips back together, where they belonged, welcoming the fireball.Their second kiss was a lot more gentle, even if it didn’t start like it, but not less filthy. It felt as if their mouths, moving on the same path - but at the same time against it - were searching for the purpose, only, it seemed they had probably already found it.Jungkook kissed like a thirsty man, sucking Taehyung’s lips as if he thought he could drink up his soul. He kissed wetly, coating the pink skin with his saliva until it didn’t drip and Taehyung had never wanted to wipe it.“Fuck,” Jungkook swore while kissing, blowing the curses down Taehyung’s throat, they were now accumulating inside his stomach, singing their song of passion.“Fuck,” Taehyung agreed.He thought they had to look stupid, sinking down in the soft sand and with the snow reaching past their ankles while balancing on the tricky wet ground and shivering in each other arms. He thought they were quite out of it, with the tips of their noses bumping into each other, while the dirty mess, that stuck on their foreheads, blended when they collided, searching for the best angle as if they already were not close enough.Taehyung fisted the material of the offending jacket wrapped around Jungkook’s body, it felt rough but slippery. He wished to throw it away, sink it to their feed in his need to know if the boy’s heart was pounding as fast as his, satisfied but always greedy.Pulling away was more a choice of life than want, but they surely had a taste of death until, finally, the sea air didn’t hit their flushed faces again. Gasping after breath that had been stolen from them, they avoided each other's eyes while fighting the need to get lost once more.“I feel like this was meant to be,” said Taehyung after a while of their shared silence with the character of heavy sighs, “This is my answer, Jungkook-ah.”Jungkook’s laugh had to reach even to the flock of seagulls fighting over a fish over the boya swaying in the middle of the sea, “What are you saying, hyung? Are you suggesting I am your Gyeong?” he giggled teasingly, poking under Taehyung’s ribs.“The hell you are!’ Taehyung jumped back, throwing his hands in the air in an offence, ‘I am Gyeong!” he exclaimed, stomping his foot and splashing the slush of sand and snow over their legs, but no one of them seemed to mind, too engrossed in their childish fight, racing for the title of warrior.“I heard Jisun had a brother.”“Don’t you say,” Jungkook pulled up an eyebrow, waiting.“Yeah, he was even prettier than his sister,” Taehyung’s eyes were again wandering across the sky. With chin facing up, he let his face be caressed by the cold hands of winter. “And he was everything Gyeong wanted.”“But the evil stepmother,” continued Jungkook, easily tuning on Taehyung’s imagination.“There was no stepmother, Jungkook-ah,’ Taehyung shook his head, sighing, ‘Only social expectations.”Even before Jungkook’s low “Oh,” could fade out, Taehyung threw his head back. His whole body was leaning backwards, bending in the waist the most it could. “What was I so scared of? Why did I think I was cursed?” Taehyung became a bit hysteric once he found that the great weight of pulling him down was suddenly gone. He felt so light he could fly.“I was running for so long, for, ‘Taehyung looked at his fingers,  ‘for months, trying to escape, thinking something was controlling me. No,’ he shook his head once again, turning the world into a blur of dark colours and shadows, ‘someone. But Jungkook-ah, I was running for nothing. It was just me, all the dreams and desires,’ Taehyung looked around, searching for a cliff on this lonely beach where he could open up his wings and try to sail again. But the night was too dense, falling over the snowflakes.“There are no monsters,” he whispered, but it was hard to say if the words were meant to Jungkook or to himself.Taehyung was looking for the buttons of his winter jacket, tapping his chest until he didn’t feel the fabric loop around the cold round plastic.“Hyung, are you crazy?” Jungkook panicked, jumping in front of him and wrapping the flannel back around his body, but Taehyung’s hands were already pressing on his belly, hidden behind the last layer of his shirt.“See, it’s soft,” Taehyung nearly cried, dabbing his fingers around the bent hem of Jin’s pants and searching for Jungkook’s eyes, when he felt nothing, no skeletons were pressing against his skin.Only, Jungkook’s eyes were too high, even if Taehyung felt over the sky, the sand turned to the cotton of the clouds. He leaned in and pressed one rough peck on Jungkook’s lips, breathing in the words, ‘Jungkook-ah, I am attracted to men. I am gay!” he kissed him again with the desire to devour.The sound Jungkook let out was close to scoff, “I know,’ he breathed in between the kisses, ‘Hyung, are you okay?” he pressed the words against the tip of Taehyung’s nose, missing his lips when Taehyung bowed his head without warning.Jungkook’s worries were falling on deaf ears as Taehyung was busy rummaging through his pockets now, trying to get a hold of his phone, slipping through his clothed fingers and falling back to the bottom.He pulled it out, tapping on the screen impatiently, only to throw his glove away when no response to the touch got through the wool fabric. His skin immediately turned pink and the tingling sensation travelled through his fingers, swiping among the colourful icons.“What are you doing?” Jungkook asked and tilted his head, staring at the reflection of Taehyung’s face in the camera, blinking with the two seconds delay.“I knew it!’ Taehyung smiled at himself, showing his teeth, ‘Look, Jungkook-ah,’ his trembling finger pressed on the white circle at the bottom and next, the sound of the flash cut through the soft lullaby of sea waves, ‘There’s no one.”“Hyung, it’s you there,” mumbled Jungkook uncertainly and pointed at the blush high on Taehyung’s cheeks.“Yes! Just me!’ Taehyung's voice nearly cracked from the joy, ‘I couldn't look at myself for so long, fearing they would reflect in my eyes, but,’ the ordinary brown, well known on his irises, has never looked so pretty as now, gleaming with a twinkle of relief and hope, ‘it’s just me,” he repeated to himself; the weight of the statement had finally freed him, snapping the metal of his bonds.He brought his hands higher, feeling the support of his shoulder blades. Taehyung pulled at the muscles surrounding his mouth, which lately had become so lazy, until his cheeks didn’t raise and his eyes weren’t just two lines written deep in his skin.The next photo came out bad, with Jungkook's puffer jacket taking up a majority of the frame and the fluff of Taehyung's hood flying around his head like a halo, while hiding most of the boy's face, standing with a frown, casting a shadow on his eyes, behind him. Nevertheless, Taehyung felt content.“It has always been.”
*
Taehyung leaned against the outside wall. His eyes closed as soon as his head hit the bricks, not caring that they scraped on his cheek, or stained the pink with black grim. Shifting a bit to not fall to the ground when his feet wobbled on the icy pavement under him, he wailed, but only pretending to be crying.“Don’t fall asleep yet, hyung,” Jungkook’s arm wiggled under his armpit, supporting him against the wall, while he waved with the other one, scoffing at the light bulb that most likely frost, same as the little numbers on the touch screen next to the door handle, flickering the letters of ERROR.“Do you have keys?” Jungkook tried to ask him in between the loud clinging of his teeth and rushed to rummage through the pockets of Taehyung’s jacket only to find it empty.“No keys,” Taehyung coughed as the cold, he let in earlier with a tired yawn opening his mouth, started to scratch his throat. He blinked, looking through the small gaps of his eyelids and let his stare linger on Jungkook’s profile, eyes sliding down the slope of his nose and stopping on his lips.“Are we going to die?” he asked unseriously, a hint of humour slipped off his tongue, though as another cough filled his lungs, he grimaced, lifting his hand to his mouth, to silence it.“Don’t be ridiculous,” Jungkook replied absentmindedly, straining towards the flickering screen. “This stupid thing,” he muttered, cursing from frustration when not even a hot blow of his breath could fix it.“So, are we?’ Taehyung pushed up against the wall with his palms lazily, and before Jungkook’s arm, holding him up, could disappear, he intertwined their fingers, ‘Can I have one last kiss before we do? Maybe it will warm us up a little.”Turning around to face Taehyung, Jungkook was met with a pout, so exaggerated that it seemed to hollow Taehyung’s cheeks.  “Perhaps,’ he rested his forehead against Taehyung’s, ‘we have time for two kisses,” he whispered, blowing a suggestion on his lips.“Then hurry up!” Taehyung shouted, not willing to wait any longer. 
THE END
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