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“Villains destroying your homes? Bad guys conquering planets and enslaving civilians? Thousands in debt over insurance bills?
Worry no more! Our team of elite heroes have liberated dozens of galaxies from villain scum of the likes of Lord Dominator, and the rising threat of the Hater Empire. We will not stop until every villain in the Galaxy is taken down and you are free from the oppressive tide of evil sweeping the Galaxy.
The Star Force Enforcement Force is here to help. We will make sure all evildoers get what’s coming.
Star Force Enforcement Force. For a better, safer, more civilized Galaxy.
If you suspect villainous activity on your planet, call-
Peepers shut off the monitor.
He turned to face Lord Hater, who was staring contemplatively at the screen.
Peepers sighed.
“Just when we got rid of Dominator, now
this.”
Hater tented his fingers, his brow bone furrowed.
Peepers continued. “I’ve been researching this ‘Star Force Enforcement Force’ group and they’re the real deal.”
Peepers went to the control panel and pulled up screens depicting a team of aliens in colorful uniforms beating up bad guys from other galaxies and throwing them into prisons.
“Forget Dominator, this new threat is greater than anything we’ve ever faced before, sir! It’s not just these guys-“
He gestured towards a screen showing the Star Force Enforcement Force standing heroically in front of crowds of cheering civilians.
Peepers pulled up another screen depicting a huge fleet of heavily militarized ships that dwarfed planets.
“These people have forces in the millions and have the best of the best new technology! They already have a massive presence in the Galaxy and have pledged to destroy all evildoers… I.e.
us.
”
Peepers faced Hater once again.
“What do you suggest we do, sir?”
Hater pursed his bony lips. Then he leaned back in his chair and waved a hand dismissively.
“
Psshhht
let them try!”
Peepers rubbed his temples and groaned. Of course he wouldn’t take this seriously. Even after the power and planning he displayed at what was now known as “the End of the Galaxy” he was still the same immature dictator Peepers knew and… uh, well, knew. Ahem.
Hater stood up in his chair.
“Now that I’m back on top, nothing can stop me! Definitely not some dumb do-gooders in stupid costumes. Come at me, Star Fork Importance Fort! Tremble before the might of LORD HATER! RAHHH!”
An unfortunate watchdog who happened to be passing by got hit with the full force of Hater’s lightning. He crumpled to the floor, sparking.
“Sir,
please
take this seriously! These are no Wander and Sylvia, these guys have weapons capable of destroying an entire fleet of warships! We can’t face this lying down! We need a plan!”
Hater was already walking out of the war room.
“Whatever, figure something out while I’m gone, because
this
handsome evildoer’s got a
date!”
“…a what?”
“A date with a pretty girl! Turns out that ladies are into guys who save galaxies from utter destruction- you know, to conquer it later- and look totally AWESOME doing it!”
Peepers had to admit, Hater had been pretty impressive that day. His display of power and the way he took charge over the army, and then
finally
showing interest in being the powerful dictator that Peepers always knew he could be- it had made the commander’s heart skip a beat.
Luckily everybody had their head in their hands when Peepers had exhibited that disgusting display of… admiration. Ahem.
“Don’t worry C Peeps I didn’t forget about you!”
Peepers was intrigued and slightly fearful of what he meant by that. He raised what passed as an eyebrow for a watchdog.
“I set up a double date with her ug- I mean- her sister!”
Wait. He didn’t mean…
“You got a date for
me?
With a… woman?”
“Yeah! I mean you were totally competent too, so I figured we both deserved some lady love today!”
Hater leaned over to Peepers and whispered smugly “she’s a total six by the way.”
“Sir, I don’t- how could- I- you-“
Hater put an arm around Peepers. Peepers squeaked.
“No need to thank me bud! You deserve it!”
Surely Hater couldn’t think… after all these years… Peepers’
complete
disinterest in the opposite gender…
Peepers sighed. He supposed he’d have to have this conversation with Hater sooner or later.
“Sir, can we talk about this for a second?”
Hater pulled away. “What’s up?”
Okay, so there were several directions that this conversation could go. On the one hand, he simply wouldn’t care. On the other…
Peepers shuddered to think of the potential ramifications this could have. He knew Hater wasn’t the most… progressive person in the Galaxy. His casual misogyny, which never really bothered Peepers until he found that he had a begrudgingly growing respect for that zbornak, was a good indicator of that.
So, what could happen if this went south? He could get fired, or tortured, or…
Peepers gulped. He might as well get this over with and accept the consequences with dignity.
“Sir… I need to tell you something. About myself. Something… that thus far, I have kept a secret from you.”
Oh no. He could see Hater becoming visibly angry now. His hands balled into fists and started crackling with electricity.
“
Peepers.”
“N-nothing out of disrespect for you, Lord Hater, Sir!” Peepers raised his hands in defense. “It’s just… it’s the reason I can’t go on a date with you. I I mean… with that girl.”
Spluedian slip.
Hater looked surprised. Did Peepers not appreciate all that he had to go through to get this date for him? Did he not care about this gesture of- ugh. friendship?
“Sir, what I’m trying to say is…” Peepers took a deep breath. Here it goes. Officially coming out of the proverbial closet.
“I’m gay.”
Hater was silent for a moment. Then he laughed.
“Ha! Yeah you are!”
Peepers blinked. Okay, that wasn’t the reaction he expected.
“You’re totally gay for not wanting to go on this date!”
Wasn’t that what Peepers had just said?
“Sir- what exactly do you think ‘gay’ means?” Peepers hadn’t even considered that Hater wouldn’t even understand what he was talking about.
“You know, dumb, lame, nerdy… like, totally not like me and how awesome and not gay I am?”
“Sir, that’s not what, I- what?” Peepers hadn’t even heard the word used that way in like the past ten years.
“Well, stop being so
gay
and let’s go! They’re waiting!”
Peepers massaged his temples. Would he really have to explain the whole concept to him?
Before Peepers started to attempt to explain, a look of realization dawned on Hater’s face.
“Wait, you mean you’re one of those guys who… like other guys? Like,
like
like?!”
Hater drew back seemingly in fear and said in a high pitched voice “
those are real?”
“Well… yes. I am, occasionally, attracted to other men.” Peepers braced himself for a reaction.
Hater’s face screwed into one of pure rage.
“RAAAHHH! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?” Lightning started crackling around him as he rose off the floor.
Peepers fell to the ground and started desperately scrambling away from the powerful, rage filled skeleton. His heart was beating furiously.
“S-sir! I never meant to-“
“After all these years, ALL THESE YEARS-“
Hater looked Peepers dead in the eye. Peepers’ breath left is lungs. Was this it?
“-Of me worrying about you stealing girls from me!”
“What.”
Hater calmed down and lowered back down to the floor.
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” He almost looked hurt.
Peepers blinked.
“Well, I didn’t know how you would… react.” He picked himself back up.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you can be somewhat… unpredictable sometimes…”
Hater raised a brow, confused.
“But like, what’s the big deal?”
…did Peepers really have to explain the concept of homophobia? After all, the Watchdog Homeworld was quite socially conservative. He knew many of the watchdogs on the Skullship initially enlisted due to that exact reason.
Hater sighed.
“Welp, more for me! See ya C Peeps!” Hater slicked back his lightning bolts which immediately sprung back into place, and left the room, eager to meet his twin dates.
Peepers stood alone in the empty room, dumbfounded.
Well, that could’ve gone worse.
Hater sobbed into his bedsheets.
“A-and then she said she wouldn’t kiss me if I was the last guy in the universe!”
Peepers gently rubbed Hater’s back in an all-too familiar scenario. Hater shoved another glob of ice cream into his mouth, not bothering to use a spoon.
“Oh, sir,” Peepers said sympathetically. “We can just blow up their planet in the morning. How’s that sound?”
Hater looked up with tears in his eyes.
“Really? You mean it?” He sniffled.
“Of course, sir,” Peepers hugged Hater as wide as his tiny arms would let him.
Hater wiped his nasal cavity with his blanket.
“Thanks, C Peeps. You always know what to do.”
Peepers gave him a watchdog smile.
“Don’t worry about it, sir. I’ll ready the planet destroyer now. It’ll take a while to charge.”
He hopped down off of Hater’s bed and was about to leave the room when Hater spoke.
“Hey, Peepers?”
Peepers paused at the door and turned to face him.
“Yes, sir?”
Hater twiddled his thumbs.
“Do you… like anybody?”
Peepers was taken aback.
“N-not at the moment, sir…” he said, avoiding eye contact.
“Cuz I was just wondering… what would you do if you had a boyfriend?”
Peepers felt like he had been shot.
“Like, do you have a type, or…?”
Tall, broad shouldered, green eyes…
Peepers shook his head
“Nothing in particular- besides, I’m already married-“
Hater bolted upright.
“WHAT?! to
who?”
“-my job.”
Hater slumped back down.
“Ugh, you’re so
boring!
Isn’t there
anybody
you’re interested in? Like one of the watchdogs?”
Ew. As if.
“Or another villain? It better not be
Wander.”
“Wh- NO! it’s not
Wander,
it isn’t anybody! I’m much too busy trying to re-conquer the Galaxy to date anyone, even if I wanted to!”
“But-“
Peepers waved his hand.
“End of discussion! Now, I have to prepare for tomorrow.
Goodnight,
sir.”
Peepers shut the door behind him. Hater fell back onto his bed and looked up at the ceiling.
Peepers was always so uptight about everything. Always getting on Hater’s case about being a “proper” dictator. Maybe if he had a boyfriend, he would relax a little and leave him alone. It was a whole new Galaxy out there, there had to be someone out there for Peepers. Besides, Peepers was a great guy! Well groomed, smart, second in command to the Greatest in the Galaxy… if he was a pretty girl, Hater might even date him!
Well, if Peepers wasn’t gonna do anything about his love life, Hater would do it for him. He shuffled around in his bed sheets for his phone. He found it, and opened the Applications Shop. He typed in a few words into the search engine and scrolled down until he found what he was looking for. He tapped the download button. A notification popped up.
Downloading Findr.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Swipe.
“Sir…”
Swipe.
“Sir!”
Swipe.
“SIR!”
“Wuh?” Hater looked up at his phone to see an angry Peepers standing on the table tapping his foot, hands on his hips. The watchdogs surrounding them blankly looked back at Hater.
“Are you even paying attention?”
Hater stuffed his phone in his robe and sat up straight.
“Uh, yeah, totally…”
“Alright. Then what did I just say?” Peepers crossed his arms.
Hater sucked in air through his teeth. What
had
he been talking about? And where was he? Why was he in this meeting?
Ever since they had blown that newly rebuilt planet to smithereens that morning, Hater had been distracted by that dating app all day, swiping through potential matches for Peepers. Problem was, he didn’t know what kind of guys Peepers liked. It was almost as if he wanted privacy and didn’t like Hater meddling with his personal business.
“Uhh, something something, strategy? Battle plans? Wander?”
Peepers made one of his frustrated Peepers noises.
“Well if you
had
been paying attention, you’d know that the Star Force Enforcement Force is continuing to be a growing threat. They’ve captured several villains including Mandrake the Malfeasant, Dr. Screwball Jones, Kragthar of Kraaaagttthh, and have even gone after retired villains like Something the So-and-So and the Black Cube of Darkness.”
He pulled up a page on the monitor of a list of villains currently wanted by SFEF. some of them had Xs through them indicating their capture. Near the top of the list were Lord Hater and the missing Lord Dominator. She had apparently evaded capture so far.
“Right now, they’re in battle with King Sourdough and their armada…”
He pulled up a news broadcast from GNN. It showed a fleet of SFEF ships in a shootout between the two armies.
“…and they appear to be winning.”
As he said this, the largest SFEF battleship launched a giant missile, blasting away the leading Sourdough ship.
The broadcast cut away to an irate former-king Sourdough being stuffed into a lunchbox by one of the costumed characters Peepers had shown earlier to Hater in the war room.
It cut away again to an excited reporter standing next to the five Star Force Enforcement Force heroes. He was interviewing the red one, who appeared to be the leader of the team.
“
Another villain successfully defeated by the Star Force Enforcement Force! Tell me, what is your next move to bring peace to our Galaxy?”
The hero puffed out his chest.
“Ha, ha! Well Neil, that is of course highly classified information. But rest assured, our goal of wiping evil from this galaxy will remain unhindered.”
He snatched the mic out of the reporter’s hand.
“And if
you
want to participate in our righteous mission-“
He pointed at the camera.
“-a recruiting office is located on every liberated planet. So if you’ve got the right stuff, we want
you
to enlist in the Star Force Enforcement Force cadet program. Help protect your galaxy against villain scum like Lord Dominator. And Lord Hater…”
The hero stepped off camera to reveal a squadron of captured, distraught looking watchdogs lined up in chains with SFEF soldiers pointing blasters at their heads.
The camera panned back over to the red hero.
“
We’re coming for you next.”
Peepers shut off the monitor. The room was silent.
“So you see, sir, we certainly have a formidable foe bent on destroying us. We’re discussing strategies to-“
Ping
Peepers swerved around to face Lord Hater. He was on his phone again. Of course.
“SIR!”
“Shut up right now I’m doing something!”
“Nothing could be more important right now than figuring out how to take down Star Force Enforce-“
Swipe.
“Alright, that’s it!”
Peepers marched over to Hater and held out a hand.
“Give it.”
“Aww, Peepers, come on!” Hater turned away and held his phone protectively against his chest.
“You can have it back at the end of the meeting, now hand it over!”
Peepers swiped at the phone, but Hater held it up out of Peepers’ reach. Peepers jumped up, grabbing at it, and making frustrated noises when Hater just held it farther away. One of the watchdogs snickered. He was promptly shot.
Finally Peepers stabbed Hater’s hand with his lightning bolt. Hater yelped in pain and let go. The phone fell into Peepers’ hand.
“Now let’s get back to the matter at-“
Peepers’ eye met the screen. His expression went dark.
“
Meeting adjourned.”
“But sir-“
“GET OUT!”
The watchdogs swiftly left the meeting table, bumping into each other as they scrambled for the exit.
Hater decided it was best for him to leave as well…
“OH NO YOU DONT-“
Peepers grabbed Hater’s cloak and pulled him back over to the table. Peepers shoved the phone in his face.
“What is this?”
“It’s a phone- OW!”
Peepers had smacked Hater with the phone.
“I mean what’s
on
the phone?!”
“…” Hater looked away, guiltily.
“Answer me!”
“It’s a… dating profile? That I made- for you?” Hater cringed fearing another blow from Peepers.
Peepers looked back at the screen. It was “his” profile page.
Commander Peepers
Gender: M
Age: 40 something? IDK
Looking for: men
Likes: evil, weapons, nerd stuff
Dislikes: do-gooders, the color orange, fun
Bio:
Second in command to the Hater Empire. Good cook. Pretty cool for a nerd. Great at hand holding.
His profile picture was a picture of him, shirtless, in the gym lifting weights.
When did he take this?
“Sir, I don’t- I can’t even-“ Peepers rubbed his eyelids.
“No need to thank me,” grinned Hater.
“Thank you?”
“You’re welcome.”
Hater narrowly avoided another slap from Peepers.
“Sir, didn’t I make it clear last night that I’m not looking for anyone?”
“You did, so I decided to look
for
you! Aren’t you soooo happy?”
Peepers did not look happy. But he never looked happy.
Hater sighed.
“I just think you’d be less uptight if you had someone to date. And then get married and have babies with.”
Peepers face palmed.
“Sir, I assure you, that is the absolute most distant thought from my mind right now. Now go to your room, your phone privileges are revoked for a week!”
“BUT-“
“Two weeks! AND I'M NOT FORTY!”
Hater growled and stomped his feet.
“
Grrrrrrrrr
YOU JUST DON’T CARE ABOUT BEING A NORMAL PERSON WITH FEELINGS! DON’T COME CRYING TO ME WHEN YOU END UP ALONE FOREVER! YOU GAY NERD!”
Hater ran out of the room fuming. Peepers shook his head and hopped down from the table.
Peepers dropped the phone into his bedside drawer, along with the others. He didn’t quite know why he kept confiscating Hater’s phones when he would just use
his
paycheck to buy a new one.
He sat down at his desk to do more research on SFEF.
Ping!
Just ignore it,
he thought.
It’s probably a notification from that stupid dating app.
Ping!
Peepers glared at his bedside table.
Ping!
Alright, that’s it, he was deactivating his account and deleting the app.
He tugged out the drawer, and grabbed the pesky phone. It received another notification.
JET wants to chat.
Peepers paused.
It would be rude to leave someone on read. Peepers may be evil, but he wasn’t rude.
He sighed and opened the app. He would just reject this guy real quick and be done with it. He was brought to “Jet’s” profile page.
His profile picture was of a buff goth punk lizard person with spiky red hair and leather jacket. He had sharp, pearly white teeth and was holding a machine gun.
Jet
Gender: M
Age: 28
Looking for: men
Likes: blasters, cats, villains
Dislikes: heroes, arachnomorphs, SFEF
Bio:
Goth guy looking for something casual with a smart, outgoing guy. Willing to cuddle. Really into supervillains.
A message popped up.
Wyd?
Peepers stared at the screen. He wasn’t…
un
attractive. He seemed to have some of the same tastes that Peepers had, and wasn’t looking for anything serious. Maybe…
No. No chance.
…although, it might get Hater off his back about this whole boyfriend thing. And make him see what a
terrible
idea this whole thing was.
Peepers groaned.
Not much, u?
Just chillin. Might go to
The shooting range
Later
U like weapons?
Oh yeah. I just bought like
20 mags I can’t wait to
Unload
Care to join me?
Peepers was hesitant. It did sound like a good time, and he was hot. Scientifically speaking.
He sighed.
When u wanna meet?
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Hater tapped his fingers on the table impatiently. Where was he? He was STARVING and Peepers was never late to make him breakfast. Even if it was always dumb and way too fancy for him to digest.
He slammed his fist on the table. How DARE he keep him waiting?! He was going to march RIGHT to Peepers’ room and shout at him until he made him some Grop darn pancakes!
He angrily pushed his chair out and stomped out of the dining room. He was right outside Peepers’ door, about to kick it down when his commander burst out, frantic.
“I am
so
sorry, Lord Hater, Sir!”
He rushed past the grumpy skeleton and ran straight to the kitchen. There was something… different about him. New haircut? No, he was wearing his helmet. Different colored eye?
Peepers set the table in a hurry. He presented a simple breakfast of scrambled eggs and bacon.
“Sorry it’s not up to its usual quality, sir,” he said, panting.
Hater disagreed! This was WAY better than most of the super sweet fancy stuff Peepers always seemed to make.
Peepers seemed nervous about something. He looked at the floor and tapped his foot.
“Sir?” He finally said.
“Mm?” Hater said through a mouthful of eggs.
“… I’d like to request the day off.”
Hater’s fork and knife clinked onto the plate. A day off?! Peepers hadn’t asked for a day off in… well, ever! Wait, come to think of it, he realized what was different about him. Aside from his helmet, he wasn’t wearing his uniform! He wore a button up shirt and tie, black pants and black heeled shoes. He still wore his gloves.
“Uh, why?”
“Well sir, I…” Peepers hesitated.
“I have a date.”
It took a minute for what Peepers had just said to register in Hater’s skull. When it finally did, Hater leapt out of his chair.
“YES!” he shouted, pumping his fists in the air and knocking over the table, sending dishes clattering to the floor, breaking on impact.
“Oops. So, what’s his name? What does he look like? Is he handsome? Is he coming over here?!” Hater asked excitedly.
“His name is Jet, he’s green, yes… scientifically speaking, ahem. And no, we have a date at a shooting range.”
… what the Grop kind of a date was that? Dates were supposed to be at fancy restaurants or movie theaters or walks in the park. Hater knew all this because he was an
expert
on dates. First ones, anyway…
“…so, what’s he like? Do you know anything about him?”
“Well, he’s smart, strong, and he makes his own weapons! He wants to test out a new high caliber blaster he spent months designing. We were up all night chatting…” Peepers looked at the floor.
Was that a smile? It was hard for Hater to tell sometimes.
“So, do I have your approval, sir?”
Hater nodded his head furiously.
“Yeah! Oh my Grop, I can’t WAIT to hear all about it!”
He grabbed Peepers who squeaked and bolted over to the landing bay. He dropped a frazzled Peepers into a small transporter and turned on the ignition.
“Now, be cool have a great time don’t flarp it up and tell. Me. Everything.”
He dusted Peepers off, straightened his tie, and before Peepers could even say anything, he kicked the engine, sending the small ship rocketing into space.
As Peepers struggled to gain control of the wheel, Hater looked off at him leaving the Skullship and sighed contently. He returned to the dining room to finish his breakfast. He stopped in his tracks when he saw the mess that he had left behind him. Probably should have had Peepers clean that up before he left. Ugh, he’d get one of the watchdogs to do it.
As he walked past the ruined breakfast dishes, he noticed that something else was different. Didn’t Peepers usually set out
two
sets of plates?
Some time later, after narrowly avoiding being hit by some passing asteroids when he temporarily lost control of the small ship because of Hater, Peepers arrived at the place.
He was of course early, as he hadn’t actually planned on leaving until a couple hours later. Lord Hater was just so eager for him to go on a date for some reason. Why had he been so insistent on meddling in his personal life? Well, not that Peepers really had much of a personal life. Most of his time was devoted to keeping the Empire running and making sure his boss didn’t do anything life-threateningly stupid. Maybe this was a good thing? He knew that focusing on work 24/7 wasn’t considered healthy by most people, but Peepers had yet to experience any negative effects.
Well, sure, he had several ulcers, chronic eye twitching, prematurely graying eyelashes, high blood pressure, and went through nineteen cups of coffee and six stress balls a day, but nothing serious.
And besides, it wasn’t like he never had any fun. He played video games with Lord Hater, watched movies with Lord Hater, played dnd with Lord Hater, stayed up late talking with Lord Hater, held hands with Lord Ha- uh, forget that last part.
Peepers realized he spent all of his free time with Lord Hater. It made sense, he had known him for all of his adult life and considered him his best friend. Though sometimes it seemed unclear whether Lord Hater viewed Peepers the same way…
Peepers was lost in thought as he walked past aliens with blasters shooting at targets inside the building. Admittedly not the best place to be lost in thought. He tried to find a spot that wasn’t taken to wait by, when he ran into someone tall and muscular.
“Hey watch where you’re- oh, it’s you!”
Peepers adjusted his helmet and looked up to see a tall lizard man with yellow eyes and sharp, pearly white teeth grinning down at him
“…Jet?”
The man took aim at a target with his homemade blaster and sent it splintering across the shooting range.
“Yep, that’s me. And you must be Commander Peepers of the Hater Empire, right?”
Peepers puffed out his chest trying to look as commanderly as possible.
“Why yes, yes I am.” He took out his own blaster, twirled it on his finger and blasted away the next target.
Jet watched the target shatter from the blast.
“Hey, that thing’s pretty powerful for its size!”
Peepers held his head up smugly.
“Oh, it’s just a standard issue Hater army sidearm. If you want, I can show you our rifles, designed them both myself, actually.”
Jet nodded his head.
“Yeah, for sure!” Then he looked at Peepers more closely with a strange look on his face.
Peepers felt around his face. Did he have something in his eye? Then he realized that Jet was looking at his clothes. Peepers looked around at the others in the shooting range. They were all dressed much more casually than he was. Perhaps he came a bit overdressed?
Jet himself was shirtless, wearing black cargo pants and combat boots, and had a sleeveless denim jacket with metal rhinestones on the shoulders covered in pins and buttons. Yeah. Definitely overdressed. Well, it was better than being underdressed, in Peepers’ opinion.
Jet shrugged and loaded another magazine. He took aim at another target and blasted it away.
They got into a conversation about the different weaponry they both specialized in, with Peepers becoming increasingly more impressed with Jet’s knowledge, for an amateur. He was much smarter than he looked. Not that he looked bad.
“So,” Jet said, cocking his blaster, “how’d you get into villainy?”
Peepers focused on the next target.
“Well, I’ve always been into evil, and when the opportunity arose, I took it. I gathered an army and allied myself with the most powerful bad guy around.”
“Oh, so
that’s
your relationship to Lord Hater. Just using him for power, huh? Pretty villainous. I like it.”
Peepers paused. Well, that was definitely part of it. But over the years, it had grown into something more than just allyship. On Peepers’ part, at least.
“Well, I mean, that’s not
all
there is to it, he’s certainly a valuable asset, but… I don’t know, it’s a little more complicated than that.” He was starting to get a little uncomfortable with where this conversation was going. He didn’t like being so open with people, especially someone he just met. He focused his attention back on the targets.
“… you know,” said Jet, “I’ve always wanted to be a villain myself. Just never got around to it. Too busy with my blasters, I guess.”
Peepers lowered his blaster. He slowly turned to face Jet.
“I know what you’re doing.”
“Huh?” Jet looked taken aback.
“You just wanted this ‘date’ to get insider knowledge on the Hater Empire, didn’t you? Well, I’m not about to give out all our secrets to a wannabe rival just because you're attractive… I-in a general sense.”
Jet held up his hands defensively.
“Woah, it’s not like that! I just…”
His face turned a deeper shade of green. Was he blushing?
“I, kinda have a type, you know? Villains. Something about you guys… pretty sexy if you ask me.”
Sexy? Peepers had never heard that adjective used for him before. Nerdy, angry, tiny- those were much more common.
Sexy. Huh.
Peepers’ face turned hot as Jet grinned down at him. Sexy.
Just then, the door burst open, and five aliens walked in, blasters already drawn. They walked down the aisle and one of them shoved a patron out of the way of the targets.
“Hey, flab drasser, the Grop you think you’re- oh- '' the patron looked up at the alien and gulped.
Peepers’ pupil shrank. That was…
The alien in red kicked the other to the ground and shoved a large blaster in his face.
“Silence. You wanna get on the wrong side of the Star Force Enforcement Force?” He charged his blaster. Another alien, dressed in blue, put a hand on his shoulder.
“Red,” she said, “we’re not here to cause a scene.”
Red looked at her, and back at the man trembling on the ground. He powered down his blaster.
“Consider that a warning. Remember to respect your authorities. Now scram.”
The man nodded nervously and scrambled out the door on all fours. The five members of the Star Force Enforcement Force took their places in front of the targets. The rest of the patrons timidly moved out of their way.
Jet clicked his tongue.
“Dang what a bunch of- Peepers?” He looked around in confusion as Peepers was nowhere to be seen. He walked around a corner to see a big yellow lightning bolt sticking out from behind a potted plant.
Oohh, this was bad, thought Peepers. He was caught completely off guard by what was presently the biggest threat to him and the empire! He had no army, no Lord Hater, what would they do if they saw him there?
Someone moved the plant away from him. He drew his blaster instinctively.
It was just Jet.
“Woah, hey, you okay?”
Peepers lowered his blaster with a sigh of relief.
“
Okay?!”
He whisper-shouted. “
That’s the Star Force Enforcement Force! The biggest threat to villains everywhere! I gotta get out of- “
“Pshh, you’re not scared of those guys, are you? You’re Commander Peepers of the Hater Empire! You can totally wipe the floor with these skuzz monkeys!”
“Maybe if I had an army, but they’re light years away right now! We have to- Jet?”
To his horror, Peepers saw that Jet was marching towards the SFEF guys.
What is he doing?!
“Hey, Star Force!” He shouted. Peepers slapped a hand over his eye.
The Star Force stopped their shooting and looked at Jet.
“Something we can
help
you with, buster?” Said Red.
“Yeah, it would be a real
big help
if you flab drassers got the Grop out of my Grop darn shooting range and went back to your stupid headquarters and minded your own flarping business.”
Red stepped away from his target and stood eye to eye with Jet. They were about the same height.
“
You wanna say that again?”
“Yeah, okay, beat it before me and my date kick your authoritarian butts into the next galaxy!”
Red shoved Jet into the wall, and Jet head butted him back. Soon there was an all out brawl in the middle of the aisle.
Peepers took this as a sign that he should leave. He slinked out from behind the plant and was almost at the door when…
“Hey, Commander Peepers!” Shouted Jet, who was grappling with the red SFEF soldier as the others tried to break them up. “Aren’t you going to get in on this? You’re a
villain
aren’t you?”
The Star Force Enforcement Force froze.
“…
Commander
Peepers?” Said the purple one, “second in command to the Hater Empire?”
“
Eep,”
Peepers responded. He suddenly found himself surrounded by blasters pointed at his head.
Red shoved Jet off of him, enraged.
“Oh, you’re going down today,
villain scum!”
“Surrender yourself, or we’ll shoot!” Said the yellow one.
Peepers reached towards his blaster, but one of the SFEF members shot it out of his hand. He yelped. As he held his throbbing hand, the soldiers moved in on him. No army, no Lord Hater, what was he going to do?
He shifted into a fighting stance and raised his fists. Well, whatever happened, he wasn’t going down without a fight.
“Heh,” Red chuckled, “cute.” He charged his blaster, ready to shoot, when a green fist collided into the side of his head, knocking him into the wall.
Peepers found himself being scooped up off the floor. He looked up, heart pounding, to see Jet with a maniacal grin on his face and fire in his eyes running them out of the building, dodging lasers.
They skidded outside and Jet jumped onto a motorcycle that was parked right by the door. He dropped Peepers on the seat behind him and revved the engine.
“Ever ridden a motorbike before?” He shouted over the engine and the growing commotion from inside the building.
“I-“ said Peepers.
“Well now’s a good time to learn how!” His grinning teeth glinted in the blaster fire. He activated the thrusters and launched them both into space.
Peepers hastily grabbed onto Jet’s waste as they sped off, Star Force in pursuit.
“A-aren’t you going to wear a helmet?!” Peepers shouted.
Jet laughed. “What, you suddenly care about traffic laws?”
“No, it’s just stupid!”
“Well, if you haven’t noticed Commander,” Jet flipped on the autopilot and, in a blatant disregard for road safety, drew his blaster and stood up on the seat, taking aim at their pursuers’ ships behind them.
“I’m pretty flarping stupid.” He adjusted some settings on his blaster and shot out a huge blast of plasma, taking out an engine on one of the ships. It spiraled out of control and crashed into another ship, leaving them both in a flaming wreck.
“
Woah,”
said Peepers, watching the carnage unfold.
The three remaining ships swerved to avoid the wreckage.
“
Oh, you’ll pay for that, villain scum!”
Said a voice out of a loudspeaker. Apartments opened up on the front of the ship, and launched out rockets. Jet blasted them out of the sky. The force of the explosions knocked the motorbike off course. Peepers dove between Jet’s legs and took control of the handlebars.
Jet cackled.
“More fun than you thought you’d have today, eh, Peeps?”
Despite the perilous situation, Peepers had to admit, it was pretty fun. Usually he wouldn’t ever let anyone but Lord Hater call him “Peeps,” but there was something in Jet’s crazed eyes that Peepers found…
alluring.
Peepers realized his heart wasn’t just beating from almost getting killed.
As he looked up with a wide eye at the adrenaline rushing lizard man, he almost collided with a passing civilian ship.
Drassit!
He thought,
How could I have let myself get distracted?
He straightened out the bike and cleared his throat.
“Here.
You
take the wheel while
I
handle the rest of these guys,” he said with a confidence that had been nonexistent back at the shooting range.
Jet smirked, sitting back down. “Sir, yes sir.”
Peepers got up, drew his own blaster, and adjusted it to the highest setting. He aimed and let out a blast that went straight through the windshield of the leading ship. It stopped in its tracks and the one behind crashed into it.
Four down, one to go.
This last one seemed to be the trickiest one. Peepers shot blast after blast and it dodged each one. Peepers furrowed his brow and thought.
“Hey, slow down a little,” he told Jet.
“What?! Slow down?”
“Just trust me!”
Jet sucked in air through his teeth, but did what he was told. He let up on the throttle, and decreased their speed.
Peepers crouched low in his seat. The ship was gaining on them.
Just a little closer…
When the ship was close enough, Peepers took a deep breath and leapt onto the ship, landing on its tinted windshield. The ship tried to shake him off, and Peepers skidded over the top of it and grabbed a hold of the tail fin. He wrapped his legs around it so he could use both hands to adjust his blaster to laser mode. He took aim at the ship’s control hatch and carved it open. He reached inside and grabbed the wires and yanked them out of their sockets, causing the ship to shake uncontrollably.
Peepers was knocked off and just as he thought that this might be the end, he felt a hand grab onto him. Jet grinned at him as he rode sideways on the bike. He yanked him back onto the seat as the ship exploded behind them, sending them spiraling towards a nearby planetoid.
“Jump!” Shouted Jet.
They both jumped off the bike, hand in hand, and hit the ground running as the bike crash landed behind them.
They both collapsed into the dirt, finally out of danger.
“Well,” panted Jet, “that was certainly… something.”
He turned to face Peepers, who was clutching his chest.
“Yeah,” said Peepers, “sorry about your bike, by the way.”
“Oh, it wasn’t mine.”
They laid there for a while, watching the explosions in the distance.
“So,” said Jet, finally. “I guess I’m a real villain now, huh?”
“Yeah, taking out a squadron of heroes would certainly qualify.”
Jet grinned at him. His grin fell, as his face turned into an expression of concern.
“Hey, are you okay?” He said, pointing at Peepers’ burnt hand. It was from when he was shot back at the shooting range. The skin exposed from beneath his glove was beginning to crack and bleed.
“I’ll be fine,” he said, “believe me, I’ve had worse.”
It was actually nice to have someone show concern for him. He felt an inexplicable warmth rising in his chest.
“So, uh, how you gonna get home?” Asked Jet.
Peepers got up and dusted himself off.
“Oh, I’ll just call the Skullship with my communicator which I’ve had… all this time…”
Peepers groaned and face palmed.
Idiot.
Jet laughed. “Hey, maybe next time we’ll just hang out at my place, huh?”
Next time? Peepers thought this was just a one time thing! He had work to do! Besides, he was really only doing this to appease Lord Hater… but at this point he couldn’t deny it. He
was
attracted to Jet. Maybe hanging out a few more times wouldn’t be so bad…
“Sure. It’s a date.”
Date.
Jet gave him a thumbs up. “Great!”
“Um, how are
you
gonna get back home?”
Jet kicked a rock. “Eh, I’ll figure something out.” He grinned at Peepers with his sharp teeth.
“You know, you were pretty cool back there.”
Peepers puffed out his chest. “Well I
am
the second in command to the greatest empire in the galaxy for a reason,” he said, attempting to hide a blush.
Peepers dialed the ship as he sat next to Jet on the ground. It felt nice, being in his presence.
Next time.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Hey guys! Just to get it out of the way I am NOT abandoning this fic. Got that? Ok. Cool.But it is going on hiatus until sometime in August or September, as I’m working on something BIG that will (hopefully) be finished by Wander’s 10th anniversary! (You knew that was coming up, right? It’s on August 16… or September 13th depending on wether you think the true premier was The Picnic or The Greatest idk Disney f’d up.)Anywhoser, I got to get to work on this thing in the meantime. I appreciate all your support for this fic! It means a lot.All that being said, later Hater!